# Women Who Stay With Physically and Mentally Abusive Men, Why Do They Stay?



## SeaBreeze (Mar 20, 2014)

Yesterday, I was watching the Dr. Phil show on TV, and it was about a woman who was physically and mentally abused by her husband.  She already had a female friend who was actually killed by a husband with a very hot temper.  In both of these cases, the men were particularly controlling, limiting where the wives could go, what they wore, who they talked to.  They didn't even want them to have any friends, they wanted complete control. http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/2098

Living with these husbands, the wives were always in fear, "walking on eggs" around them, not to upset them into hitting, punching or choking them.  At the end of the show, a woman came on stage in a wheelchair, he husband had taken her for a drive to the woods, and pulled out a gun and shot her.  She struggled with him, and I think he ended up shot himself, and died.  She has been confined to a wheelchair ever since.

Today, I went to get a haircut.  The woman doing my hair had someone come in to give her money, she talked with the other hairdresser that she still ducks when he comes near.  We got to talking, and it seems that she divorced him after many years of physical and mental abuse.  He would beat her and call her names right in front of the children.  She said one day he went out of town on business, and she got up the willpower to pack her and her kids stuff, and get out of there before he returned.

I told her that life is too short to stay with someone like that.  None of us are put here on this earth to please anyone else.  If we're lucky enough to find someone who we click with, and treats us kindly, then we can share our lives with them.  To stay in an abusive relationship is just a waste of precious time, and very dangerous.  She said that she honestly didn't accept that it was a real problem for a long, long time...only at the end a light came on for her.

It's not only women who are abused of course.  I worked with a man who said his daughter repeatedly hit and abused her husband.  He said he tried talking to her about her anger and her temper, but could not get through.


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## i_am_Lois (Mar 21, 2014)

I could never understand why these women stay. Especially today when there are women's shelters & organizations that gladly assist these women, & their children too. 
I read the women have low self esteem and somehow believe they deserve to be abused.
Rubbish.
It would take more than low self esteem for me to stay in such a relationship.
I would have to have some psychological problems.
Maybe we need some new laws.
When a man is arrested in domestic abuse complaint, they should at the same time require that the woman to get a psychological examination and insist on her following up treatment.


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## SifuPhil (Mar 21, 2014)

i_am_Lois said:


> I could never understand why these women stay ...
> ... I would have to have some psychological problems ...



I could never understand it either. As you mentioned I think the problem has a psychological / emotional base. No one with a healthy level of self-esteem would stay in such a relationship. 

I made the mistake - once - of trying to intervene in such a relationship. It was like trying to teach a pig to sing. Such interventions are perhaps best left to the professionals, because talking common sense to them just doesn't work.


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## Vivjen (Mar 21, 2014)

Funnily enough, I do understand; but do not any way condone...

Mental abuse can be very subtle, and over months or years can just wear a person down; until they feel worthless, and can not sum up enough energy to move out, especially with children.

Financial issues often complicate things; leaving a home with no money and no prospect of any can appear even scarier than staying.

Control also plays a part; and a situation very difficult to break.

All those issues apply equally to men and women; and if children are involved but not being harmed themselves, the delusion is, better to stay for them.

I personally, could never stay, but I had the advantage of my own career, independence and money....how much easier does that make any decision?


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## hollydolly (Mar 21, 2014)

Excellent Post Vivjen, 

Having been in the position of living with domestic violence in the past, I absolutely agree with everything you've said!


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## Justme (Mar 21, 2014)

I count myself very fortunate that my husband and I have an equal relationship, and he has never raised his hand to me in nearly 45 years of marriage. We have many frank exchanges of views, but I always give as I get verbally. I could never stay in a relationship where the guy is violent.


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## Jillaroo (Mar 21, 2014)

_I know a woman who put up with bashings all the time, each time he would come back with roses and apologise profusely saying it would never happen again Pffft didn't last long as he kept at it until he almost killed her, she managed to call an ambulance for herself and when she came out of hospital she left him, she had 2 small children and she managed ok, but he left her a mess mentally.
           As Vivjen said it all boils down to how strong they are and the support they can get from outside the home as these men usually have so much control over the women and they are not game to look sideways in case they get another bashing.
               And if more women once they leave the home reported it to the Police and get him arrested the world would be a better place_


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## Falcon (Mar 21, 2014)

I read about this in the Ann Landers column.  And so many times the wife will say, "But I still love him."

My take on this: Then, why are you complaining to Ann Landers about it?   DUH !


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## Davey Jones (Mar 21, 2014)

They stay for financial support and place to live.

Dr Phil?


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 21, 2014)

Justme said:


> I count myself very fortunate that my husband and I have an equal relationship, and he has never raised his hand to me in nearly 45 years of marriage. We have many frank exchanges of views, but I always give as I get verbally. I could never stay in a relationship where the guy is violent.



Same here Justme, we are two of the lucky ones.  I agree Vivjen, that the mental abuse can be very subtle.  But when it comes to the physical abuse, especially with children in the home, Lois is right to mention that there are places like shelters for these women to go and have a much better chance of staying safe.


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 21, 2014)

Jillaroo said:


> _I know a woman who put up with bashings all the time, each time he would come back with roses and apologise profusely saying it would never happen again Pffft didn't last long as he kept at it until he almost killed her, she managed to call an ambulance for herself and when she came out of hospital she left him, she had 2 small children and she managed ok, but he left her a mess mentally.
> As Vivjen said it all boils down to how strong they are and the support they can get from outside the home as these men usually have so much control over the women and they are not game to look sideways in case they get another bashing.
> And if more women once they leave the home reported it to the Police and get him arrested the world would be a better place_



It's a shame when these men take advantage of a kind and forgiving woman, by playing her with flowers and apologies...after the first forgiving, the need for a second one ever, is a big red flag.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Mar 21, 2014)

Davey Jones said:


> They stay for financial support and place to live.



Not always. My youngest dd became involved in an abusive relationship when she was just 18. She was introduced to him by his mother,who dd worked with. His mother adored dd. He was fresh out of the police academy and 11 years her senior. 

We lied him OK right at first,but soon started seeing little things that bothered us. Probably never should have mentioned anything because she then moved in with him. He started to alienate her from her family and friends-it was always "just the two of them". Oh,and his mom and dad.

 I still never suspected physical abuse because I was "dumb" back then. Then,one Saturday morning,I got a phone call from my son in law who said that she had just called him,hysterical,and wanted him to come get her. She was at the police station,where she had just reported him for beating her so badly (strangled her and thrown her around the room like a ragdoll) that she was sure he was going to kill her.

 He was arrested,but then tried to force her to drop the charges. She ultimately gave in and tried to drop them-the courts would not allow it. He was given three years probation-which,of course,put an end to his dreams of a job in law enforcement. His mother was livid with dd for turning him in and ruining his career dreams. BUT,after a few months of being back at home and dating other guys,she "ran away" with him to a town a couple of hours away. The abuse continued,of course-both physical and mental. Worst three years of my life-I cried every day. My dd is smart,beautiful and not in the least short on self esteem. It made no sense at all. 

Long story short,her boss,who she became close friends with,gave her a book that was popular at the time "Who Moved My Cheese". Something in that book clicked with her-along with the fact,I`m sure,that she was just done with him,and she left him and never looked back. To my knowledge,he never tried to get her to come back. And the best part was that,unlike many women,she went on to have a couple healthy relationships and then met her husband and has been happy since. So many women go on to get with the same type of men over and over again.


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## That Guy (Mar 21, 2014)

Thankfully, it's been decades since grad school so I can't even pretend to have an answer.  But, we discussed just this at length on occasion.  Basically, it fills a deep unconscious need in both the abused and the abuser.  I can help with that but it will take years of therapy.  My fee is $500/hr.  Oh, but we are out of time.  Next week?


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## Denise1952 (Mar 21, 2014)

I just saw this post, I sure miss a lot of good ones somehow.  Anyway, I don't have much time right now, but I will be back with my thoughts on this Seabreeze.  I know one thing, for me it was feeling I deserved it, I know, sick as the abuser.

Denise


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## Jillaroo (Mar 22, 2014)

_*This is a story about a russian model who was bashed because she told her boyfriend she was leaving him, this is why a lot stay. It's disgusting what he did to this poor girl, i hope he is jailed for this.*_

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...ting-girlfriend-badly-looked-like-zombie.html


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## RCynic (Mar 22, 2014)

I can feel nothing but disgust for any person who elevates themselves, who can only establish their own self-esteem, by demeaning, abusing and subjugating another. They're worthless human beings. They should be dropped on some island where they have no one to abuse but themselves.


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## Denise1952 (Mar 22, 2014)

that's another strong motive, staying because you fear they will find you and kill you.  My X was dunking my head in the Coos River threatening to drown me.  He had a gun to my head during a party and everyone was laughing, high on drugs and drink, like it was a big joke, but it was my head.  Anyway, that is long time passed, but I hope women that are in those situations can escape, and I hope even more, they can recognize it way before, or heed any warnings they might get.  I don't know how anyone can be sure who you are hooking up with, but you can try to find out.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Mar 22, 2014)

Jillaroo said:


> _*This is a story about a russian model who was bashed because she told her boyfriend she was leaving him, this is why a lot stay. It's disgusting what he did to this poor girl, i hope he is jailed for this.*_
> 
> http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...ting-girlfriend-badly-looked-like-zombie.html



Yes,that is why a lot stay and for good reason. I talked to several professionals during my dd`s ordeal and they all said that that would be in the most danger-when she tried to leave.


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 22, 2014)

Mrs. R, thank goodness she finally left him before it was too late, her boss was a caring man.


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 22, 2014)

nwlady said:


> that's another strong motive, staying because you fear they will find you and kill you.  My X was dunking my head in the Coos River threatening to drown me.  He had a gun to my head during a party and everyone was laughing, high on drugs and drink, like it was a big joke, but it was my head.  Anyway, that is long time passed, but I hope women that are in those situations can escape, and I hope even more, they can recognize it way before, or heed any warnings they might get.  I don't know how anyone can be sure who you are hooking up with, but you can try to find out.



I agree completely Nwlady, you have to really be careful, because some of them will be obsessed with hunting you down.  I had a similar relationship with a boyfriend when I was young, luckily I got away from him before he did any real damage.  Glad you made it out too, we should all follow our gut feelings when it comes to relationships.  They should make us feel good, if not, there's something very wrong.


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## SifuPhil (Mar 22, 2014)

... and people wonder why vigilantes exist ... 

As always, they're despised until you need them.


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## ancient mariner (Apr 22, 2018)

You all are blaming the victim.  Shame on you.


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## applecruncher (Apr 22, 2018)

More necroposting.
4 yr old thread.


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