# Today's Funnies :)



## Pinky (Apr 2, 2016)

· [FONT=&quot]My goal for 201[/FONT][FONT=&quot]5[/FONT][FONT=&quot] was to lose just 10 pounds.  Only 15 to go.[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]Ate  salad for dinner!  Mostly croutons & tomatoes.  Really just one  big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce.  And cheese.   FINE, it  was a pizza.  I ate a pizza.[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]How to prepare Tofu:  1.  Throw it in the trash.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]       [/FONT][FONT=&quot]2. Grill some Meat.[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]Kids  today don't know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to  walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]Senility has been a smooth transition for me.[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school. [/FONT] [FONT=&quot]Me neither.[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented....I forgot where I was going with this.[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]I love being over [/FONT][FONT=&quot]6[/FONT][FONT=&quot]0.   I learn something new every day.......and forget 5 others.[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]A thief broke into my house last night......He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]My dentist told me I need a crown.  I was like:  I KNOW!  Right?[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.[/FONT]

· [FONT=&quot]PS:  Sunday, March 13, 2016 began Daylight Savings Time.  Hope you remembered to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.[/FONT]


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## Shalimar (Apr 2, 2016)

Pinky. Hahahahahahahaha.


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## Pinky (Apr 2, 2016)

Shalimar, I can so relate to all of those!


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## Falcon (Apr 2, 2016)

:lol1:   Pinky  

   Loved them all, especially the one about searching for money  with the thief.


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## mattc (Apr 2, 2016)

Yes there are great.Nine feet to the t.v. hahaha.


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## Pinky (Apr 2, 2016)

The one I like best is the dentist saying I need a crown, lol.


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## Shalimar (Apr 2, 2016)

I relate too Pinky!


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## SeaBreeze (Apr 2, 2016)

Pinky, thanks for the laugh.....toooo funny! :lol:


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## Bonzo (Apr 19, 2016)

Be kind to your dentis he has fillings to


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## Bonzo (Apr 19, 2016)

I hate my surname potato
all though not as much as my sister
jackie does


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## Guitarist (Apr 19, 2016)

Pinky,

Thanks, I needed that tonight!


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## Pinky (Apr 20, 2016)

This reminded me of the thread about Facebook and what people post on it.


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## Bonzo (Apr 20, 2016)

My great grandfather was a 
really funny man 
he was known locally as
the one liner comedian
his first gig was on the
titanic


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## Bonzo (Apr 20, 2016)

Did you hear about the bloke
who fell in to a machine at
the upholstery factory

luckly he's fully recovered


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## Bonzo (Apr 20, 2016)

Short bread 

there not making it
any longer


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## Bonzo (Apr 20, 2016)

If at first you dont succede

flush. And flush again


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## Bonzo (Apr 21, 2016)

A little boy asks his dad where does poo come from

he thinks for a moment and he says  you know we
just ate breakfast

yes answers the boy

well the food goes in our tummies and our bodies
take out all the good stuff and then whatever is left comes out
our bums the we go to the toilet and thats poo

the boy looks at his dad and asks what about tigger


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## Bonzo (Apr 21, 2016)

Help your local search and rescue

get lost


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## Bonzo (Apr 21, 2016)

I stole a police helicopter  

this morning

landed me in prison


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## Grumpy Ol' Man (Apr 21, 2016)

Bonzo said:


> If at first you dont succede
> 
> flush. And flush again



At this age, if you need to flush that means you WERE successful!!!  You were successful 1.) the various forms of medication don't have you so constipated the old saying of "s**t a brick" goes through your mind or 2.)  You succeeded in making it to the toilet before being surprised that there were "sliders" in that last episode of flatulence.


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