# Definitive Anger vs Distorted Anger.



## Ronni (Sep 11, 2018)

Reading a blog about relationships, and I came across this interesting information.  They made the distinction between definitive anger and distorted anger. 

Anger is a fact of life, and depending on your personality, you're gonna get angry a lot or a little.  It's not a comfortable emotion for me, but that's me.  Lots of people I know move in and out of the emotion of anger freely and frequently.  I am very slow to anger, so I don't experience the emotion very often.  

Anyway, the blog explores why people get angry, and made the statement that we tend to anger when our sense of "right" is violated or disturbed, and that it can lead to one of the two types of anger...distorted vs definitive anger.  They further posited that much of the anger that people experience is that distorted kind, and went on to give examples...the traffic was moving too slowly, our spouse didn't do things the way we wanted or expected etc.  

I get where they're coming from, but I'm not sure I completely agree.  Anger is a complex emotion.  i don't think it's just that black and white.  I mean, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been on the receipt end of someone's anger, when it wasn't even ME they were angry at, I was just a convenient, though completely wrong, target.  

Who's to say when our feeling of anger (any feeling really) is distorted?  Just because YOU don't get angry at the traffic doesn't mean that because I do I'm weird or wrong or anything.  Right?  

Of course, if my spouse cheats on me, then I think that's a good time to have definitive anger, right?  

So, they go on to suggest thinking about our anger in terms of it's helpfulness or not in being shared, might it improve things or hinder things if I shared my anger, or should I just let it go.

Well, OK, but in my experience anger is a reactive emotion.  There's no thought behind it.  "I think I'll get angry now."  Nope.  It just IS, and often we simply lash out without thought.  Anger is a very volatile and labile emotion.  At least *I* have some runway to my anger, I can feel myself building up, and it's at that point I typically just go take a walk, stop discussing whatever and separate myself from the person and the subject for a while until I can calm down.  Of course, it's taken me about 60 years to get to that level of control, so there's that.  

What are your thoughts?


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## Gary O' (Sep 11, 2018)

My temper is embarrassing ugly

Definitive?

Distorted?

I’ve got a whole lot more adjectives than those

Anyway
I’ve learned to suppress it
Chopping wood or anything physical helps

Praying, even though not wanting to in the moment, is the big help
_
*'Of course, it's taken me about 60 years to get to that level of control, so there's that'
*_
yup


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## Meanderer (Sep 11, 2018)

My two words are Reaction and Response.  We don't get to choose our reaction....but we can pause and choose how we will respond.  It takes practice with the little things, so we are ready for the big things, when they come along.  The Bible says " a soft answer, turns away wrath".  I like that.


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## RadishRose (Sep 11, 2018)

Of course I've been angry many times. I don't know what kind it is,, but I just HATE that feeling.


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## ClassicRockr (Sep 11, 2018)

I've gotten angry, but definitely don't throw things or cuss a lot. I've gotten angry at my wife, but after calming down and talking to her, I lighten up fast, say "I'm sorry" and "I love you". We both know why I got angry, but love it when we make up.


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## Knight (Sep 11, 2018)

Something to ponder today. Was my anger when I did get angry definitive or distorted? I'll draw up a chart separating  the situations that I can remember. Definitive one column, distorted the other. 


 Now I have a project to do today. Ain't retirement great?


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## Olivia (Sep 11, 2018)

All anger is distorted. It's always because of not getting (or think you're not getting) what you want. It starts with infancy when the child is hungry or has a wet uncomfortable diaper. He wants food or attention to what's making him feel bad. And lets everyone know about it by getting really angry. 

Think about it.


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## Lara (Sep 11, 2018)

Gary O' said:


> My temper is embarrassing ugly. Definitive? Distorted? I’ve got a whole lot more adjectives than those.
> Anyway, I’ve learned to suppress it. Chopping wood or anything physical helps
> Praying, even though not wanting to in the moment, is the big help
> _*'Of course, it's taken me about 60 years to get to that level of control, so there's that'
> *_yup


I'm really impressed with your self control. It shows strength :cheers:


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## Keesha (Sep 11, 2018)

Olivia said:


> All anger is distorted. It's always because of not getting (or think you're not getting) what you want. It starts with infancy when the child is hungry or has a wet uncomfortable diaper. He wants food or attention to what's making him feel bad. And lets everyone know about it by getting really angry.
> 
> Think about it.


Totally agree!


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## Keesha (Sep 11, 2018)

Gary O' said:


> I’ve got a whole lot more adjectives than those
> yup



Me too!


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## fmdog44 (Sep 11, 2018)

I have no anger issues but I am famous for having very little patience.


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## Chucktin (Sep 11, 2018)

I think it's a failure that built into society. The fact is people react. No doubt about that. Sometimes the reaction is joy, sometimes sadness, sometimes anger (and others). We have not been maturated in a way to express anger in an ideal way. But ... (there's always a but) What is the ideal way. Hmm.


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## applecruncher (Sep 11, 2018)

Olivia said:


> All anger is distorted.* It's always because of not getting (or think you're not getting) what you want.* It starts with infancy when the child is hungry or has a wet uncomfortable diaper. He wants food or attention to what's making him feel bad. And lets everyone know about it by getting really angry.
> 
> Think about it.



Your generalization makes people seem selfish and childish for getting angry.

If I'm a victim of a crime or injustice (robbery, assault, rape, arson, discrimination, hit & run driver, etc.) I'd be very angry - justifiably - and it wouldn't be "because I didn't get something I wanted", or because I wanted attention.

I was angry about Sept 11/WTC, as were most people, and not because we didn't get something we wanted.


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## Olivia (Sep 11, 2018)

applecruncher said:


> Your generalization makes people seem selfish and childish for getting angry.
> 
> If I'm a victim of a crime or injustice (robbery, assault, rape, arson, discrimination, hit & run driver, etc.) I'd be very angry - justifiably - and it wouldn't be "because I didn't get something I wanted", or because I wanted attention.
> 
> I was angry about Sept 11/WTC, as were most people, and not because we didn't get something we wanted.



And now you're angry because the way I described "anger" is not the way you would have liked me to have described it. Anger doesn't solve anything ever. It only makes things worse--all the time. Think road rage for one.


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## applecruncher (Sep 11, 2018)

Olivia said:


> And now you're angry because the way I described "anger" is not the way you would have liked me to have described it. Anger doesn't solve anything ever. It only makes things worse--all the time. Think road rage for one.




Yeah, I'm furious.  Absolutely seething.
:laugh:

WTF does road rage have to do with anything?

Never mind.

So you don't have an answer or don't want to answer and you're in a hissy because I proved you wrong. Okay.  You can try to insult me if makes you feel better.  rgp hasn't been around lately so now it's my turn.  Thanks, but I have better things to do than bicker back and forth with you.


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## Olivia (Sep 11, 2018)

I guess I'm just too dense to understand where you proved me wrong.  I don't mind admitting to that, but I  really don't understand why you're getting so worked up.


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## Keesha (Sep 11, 2018)

Anger is a distorted emotion. We don’t think clearly when we are angry and say things we wouldn’t normally say. Our heart rate usually increases, rising our blood pressure and we aren’t in our regular homeostasis. 
People can become abusive and lie, cheat, steal, and murder from not being able to contain their anger. 
We think differently when we are angry which is why I think it is a distorted emotion. When my husbands angry he looses it in 0 to 60 and says all kinds of hurtful things he wouldn’t normally say. When I’m angry I say things I regret saying. 
We aren’t ourselves when we are angry.


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## Ronni (Sep 12, 2018)

Here's where I think it breaks down.  

Anger is a human emotion.  It's not a pretty one, but it falls within the range of the many emotions we as sentient beings feel.  So I don't think you can realistically say "don't get angry."  Or "don't feel angry."  Because anger just IS, sometimes.  It's not something we can control, it just wells up as a response to a situation.  

But here's the thing.  Someone else mentioned this, but it's been part of my life strategy for a lot of years now.  Just because we FEEL a certain way doesn't mean we have to RESPOND in that way.  Don't let your REACTION become your RESPONSE.  I am slow to anger, but yeah, I feel angry from time to time, however I know that if I unleash that, I will have regrets because I tend to get a bit out of control.  So when I feel anger welling up, as I've mentioned earlier I will take a walk.  It might be round the block, or round the coffee table in another room, but I remove myself from the situation/person until I've calmed down.  I don't want the way I'm feeling to become the way I respond. 

I can't control what I feel, but I CAN control what happens after that.


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## dkay (Sep 12, 2018)

Distorted anger:  Someone cuts you off almost hitting your car, you get really mad, lay on the horn, speed up so you can catch up with them at the stop light so you can roll the window down and do some fist shaking, obscene gesturing, using every offensive word you can think of etc. etc....until you see that it's your next door neighbor whom you really like. Next thing you know you are waving at her, making a motion like "call me". You realize that in your narrow margin of thinking that your neighbor and probably no other person, woke up that morning saying, "gee, I think I'll annoy someone this morning by deliberately cutting them off in traffic.'

Definitive anger: when someone starts to target you, follow you without your knowledge. You end up a victim in a home assault and robbery. He eventually gets caught after assaulting 3 more women and a couple of convenience store robberies. You are terrified when you testify against him. His lawyer begins to question you trying to make it seems like it's your fault. The offender sits there with a smug smile on his face thinking you dont have the courage to withstand the barrage of questioning heaped upon you by the offenders lawyer.  Suddenly, the fear goes away and anger begins to rise. You are "pissed". Your lawyer, if he is any good, is now aware of the shift in your emotions.  He uses that anger in a controlled way to get the monster off the street. It was the anger that gave you strength to tell the story in a cool, calm manner while looking at the offender and his lawyer directly in their eyes. No more tears, no more shaking, no more looking away from that smug face.

Sure I get angry. I've also discovered that removing myself from a situation is the best thing to do and sometimes that means a permanent departure on my part. I've done that three times in my life-two were "friends" and one was a relative. My life improved 100% without them.


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