# How Much Leeway Should Be Given For A Disabled or Handicapped Person's Attitude?



## WhatInThe (Oct 9, 2015)

How much leeway should a physically disabled or handicapped person be given as far as their attitude? Not about opening doors or helping them carry something nor is this about someone who had a stroke, brain damage etc.  But should a physically disabled person also be given leeway on opinion, how they talk & treat people and/or their overall behavior just like a physically fit or capable person etc?

Dealing with a person with a lifetime disability who's attitude and talk would've got them punched in face in a bar. Personally I think they were given a lifetime too much leeway including few bothering to confront or disagree with them and now get cry baby upset if someone disagrees with them or challenges them on their attitude or behavior. They were always a bit snobbish but now you it's like walking on egg shells around them. 

I've known many with a physical disability or injury that wanted to be treated normal period, nothing special. Now this person seems to want a pity party when things don't go their way.

Mentally, socially, academically should a disabled person be treated the same as a physically normal person?


----------



## Falcon (Oct 9, 2015)

They seem to be taking advantage of their disability and I'd rather not be involved in the conversation.


----------



## fureverywhere (Oct 9, 2015)

It depends on their age and a bunch of other factors. But no, they don't get to be totally obnoxious and then play the disability card. Somebody like my Dad is different. He's 93 and will go on tangents where he doesn't even know where he is going..." So when do you think that dog of yours is going to eat you in your sleep? I watch Judge Judy and those kind of dogs are bloodthirsty, you can't be too trusting...". Yup Dad, he's snoring in my lap, I'll call you on the weekend. Or hubby has back and leg pain sometimes and gets grumpy. I understand pain sucks so unless it's super ridiculous I'll let it go.


----------



## WhatInThe (Oct 9, 2015)

The senior person here had physical issues since childhood. In some respects they were able to do a lot, not as much as they lead to you to believe but they were independent. One of the issues now is they refuse help and give a lecture of how independent they are/were. When they accept help they try to micromanage every move. If you put something on a shelf or pile it better be in the exact spot down to the quarter inch. Then when in conversation or dealing with an issue you cannot disagree or if you want to drop the issue or move their response is basically don't shush me-not what happened but how they interpret it.

And as noted 'sounds like someone is taking advantage of their disability...'. Prime example they refuse to use a cell phone boasting how everyone including stores and offices let them use their phone. We frequently get a call from an unfamiliar number. They also ask for embarrassing or pesty/pesky favors in public that others would not ask for. They fail to realize people are doing stuff for them because of their disability and not because they are right or their situation requires it.

The most damaging part of their attitude they think they know everything there medical is because of their disability. They learned a lot of doctor speak over the decades BUT nothing new simply parroting a medical definition and protocol. They don't believe in fitness or vitamin information and ASSume everyone will fade & die like their parents and patients 1/2 century ago. They have a pill and procedure for everything attitude. And boast their medical plan covers everything so they don't have a worry.


----------



## jujube (Oct 9, 2015)

A few years ago, a friend of mine "inherited" her disabled brother and his wife from her parents when her mother died and her father had to go into care.  

Both the brother and the sister-in-law had nighttime "accidents" but refused to wear adult diapers, so the mother would get up at least once a night and change the bed for one or both of them.  Her reasoning was that it was they were "embarrassed" by wearing diapers (but apparently not embarrassed by making their elderly mother get up and get them cleaned up?) and she wasn't going to make them wear diapers.  They were both very demanding about other concessions as well.

My friend (who was still working) made it very clear to them that they had three choices:  come live with her and wear diapers at night as she was NOT going to get up once or twice a night to change beds,  hire someone with their money to be a night-time caretaker or go into some sort of assisted living.  Last I heard, she had them at home but it wasn't working out well.


----------



## WhatInThe (Oct 9, 2015)

Here they give the "embarrassed" excuse too but it's used to not mentally deal with an issue. I think they resist help or advice to maintain an image of independence.

In the diaper case as with many issues they were smart to force the issue with ultimatum. At they were honest with them. When others view honesty as in insult then they didn't get the answer they wanted to hear.


----------



## fuzzybuddy (Oct 18, 2015)

There's something more to your question. Apparently, a disabled person is bugging you. Being a disabled person myself, I know I went through a huge range of emotions-not all of them are proud moments in my life. Please tell us more about this person and your relationship.


----------



## Shalimar (Oct 18, 2015)

Obviously I know very little about the specifics, but it seems to me that this individual may be using their disability in order to be a high chair tyrant. If so, it is not reasonable to expect to be completely exempt from the behavioural rules that apply to the rest of us simply because one is disabled. I would set reasonable boundaries and maintain them. I counsel disabled vets on a regular basis, and while compassion is encouraged, I do not suggest that their colleagues or loved ones give them carte blanche to behave any way they wish, regardless of the impact on other people.


----------



## Linda (Oct 18, 2015)

I can't say too much as I really haven't been close to anyone with a physical disability.  Well, except for myself and my brother and our back and leg problems, but maybe I would be cranky anyway.   That's just a joke I threw in for myself as I've been hurting every time I stand up today.  My brother stays pretty positive about it all.  Anyway, I was thinking that a lot of people with mental problems like to pull the disability card too, but then I've never been in their shoes so I shouldn't comment.  I used to have a sister-in-law who would always threaten to kill herself if things weren't going her way or pull a bunch of "stuff" (I'm trying to think of a nicer word than crap but I can't right now) because she was worried she might spontaneously combust!  And then her stupid psychiatrist or therapist or whatever told her that, while it's happened to a few people, it's not likely to ever happen.  There were a lot of other things too but I don't want to have a roast about her.  She died about 20 years ago and to this day I still am not sure if I should have given her more leeway in driving our family to wits end or not.  But I do think everyone should over look ME when I'm crabby because my back hurts.


----------

