# Is This Maturity?



## Nihil (May 22, 2019)

Recently, I’ve gone from being like David Lee Roth to being like Leonard Cohen. I’ve sold my electric guitar and amps. I’ve sold my N64 console and games. I’m selling my analog games, nonfiction books, and Star Wars toys. I’ve decluttered my home and taken down shelves. I’ve gone from having a lot of quirky interests to just wanting to work. I’m still interested in sexuality, but my girlfriend is just as cold as she’s ever been. She appreciates that I’ve stopped trying to get frisky with her. We now sleep in separate rooms. She suggested that I have sex with strangers, but I’m only interested in intimacy.


This change has been coming. People didn’t like the animated me. They didn’t like the music I wrote. No one wanted to play analog games with me. No one cared that I was a designer and craftsman. The gamers I’ve met have been into role playing games in which they fantasize about having sex with the female NPCs. They were in poor health, bombastic, and rude.


My voice has recently lowered an octave, and I now keep conversations to the bare minimum. Townspeople don’t seem to mind talking with me now. However, I’m still not interested in pop culture, sports, consumerism, religion, or political parties. I’m now just one of those soft spoken men. I can’t mention that I’m a godless socialist vegan hippie. These aspects would frighten people. From conversing with others online who claim to be like me, I understand that normal people would expect me to be just as hateful. However, I don’t even engage in schadenfreude.


My life now consists of doing the household chores, doing whatever my girlfriend wants to do, talking about what she wants to talk about, and making money. I’m now the person every girl I’ve been with has wanted me to be. I now watch TV and movies with her without complaint and take the opportunity to analyze the writing. I don't drink or enjoy pop music, but I can be there with her while she does. I have to draw the line when it comes to going out for a steak and watching drag queens. She really likes being alone anyway. My girlfriend has recently been suggesting we go to church. She knows I’m a nihilist, but she barely understands. Most people don’t understand my thoughts. People treat me like I’m crazy if I express them.


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## Gary O' (May 22, 2019)

Nihil said:


> This change has been coming. People didn’t like the animated me. They didn’t like the music I wrote. No one wanted to play analog games with me. No one cared that I was a designer and craftsman.......  Most people don’t understand my thoughts. People treat me like I’m crazy if I express them.



Who cares?
You took at least 50 years to get this way (the way you want).
Why change because of what others think?
Creative people are unique
They don't fit in what's deemed 'good'.
Man, if I was as creative as you, nothing could stop me, nothing.  

I really don’t have a creative bone in my diseased rack, but I enjoy writing.
Actually, it’s more torture than enjoyment.
 Mainly because I can’t get it down fast enough on the keyboard when it (whatever that is) comes.
Folks have said they enjoyed it, but that’s not my total motivation.

I’d imagine you have somewhat the same torture, but magnified.
Maybe it’s a tad masochistic, but deeply enjoyable.
Hey, opinions sometimes just get in the way.
I have editors like that.

Go for what you enjoy.
You’ve earned the time, whatever is left

Guess that's 'maturity'...not doing what others think you should


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## treeguy64 (May 22, 2019)

Wow, I sure couldn't live your life, N man. I guess a mostly joyless, hopeless existence may be for some, but definitely not me. I'm vegan, and a guy who was a hippie, in my younger days, but I'd rather have rectal surgery than be in the relationship you seem to be in, and/or live the kind of life you now lead. I have thought about selling my music gear, but I can't bring myself to do that, yet. Thirty years in the biz, out for the last twenty, and I still hope that I can get it going, again, even though I know I probably won't.


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## Capt Lightning (May 22, 2019)

Sometimes I think life is pretty meaningless, but I'm still determined to enjoy it whether it means anything or not.  
Too much of my early life was spent trying to please people, but then I thought, "Why the hell? They didn't change to try to please me".  So, here I am, a godless, right wing, omnivore.  I sometimes  I wonder if I'm a  bit crazy,  but I'm more afraid that I might actually be normal.   At least I'm in a happy, loving, accepting relationship and I definitely wouldn't want to be like Leonard Cohen.


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## Rosemarie (May 22, 2019)

You should never change yourself to suit other people. If they can't accept you as you are, you're better off without them. People who don't conform to current trends are far more interesting than sheep, who are afraid to be different. I feel sorry for folks who wear the latest fashion,not because it suits them or even because they like it, but because 'everyone else is wearing it'. There was recently a fashion for 'too short' trousers, with everyone looking as though their clothes had shrunk in the wash. No-one seemed to care how they looked so long as they were seen to be following the latest fashion. I've no time for people like that, I prefer a maverick who can think for themselves.


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## Geezerette (May 22, 2019)

I don't know anything about amps & stuff but frankly that "girlfriend" sounds like slow acting poison thats killing you.


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## rgp (May 22, 2019)

Everything one has been....is what makes them what they are. If that person is not criminal....no need to apologize......jmo 

As for talent....hell I can't even play the radio......


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## Keesha (May 22, 2019)

Nihil


Reading your posts is painful. 
Here’s your situational post you just made mirrored back to you. 


People don’t like or accept me being my authentic self including my girlfriend, the woman who I’m supposed to be closest to so I’m doing everything in my power to try and change in order to please her. 


I’ve sold and gotten rid of all the things that bring me pleasure and have even set up my own bedroom since my girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me anyway. She’s suggested I have sex with other people. 


I’m feeling so rejected  by society in general that I’ve even changed the way I communicate with others. It’s not my true authentic voice I use nor my choice of words but it seems to please others. Oddly enough I’m not really interested in becoming part of mainstream society. They seem very pretentious, boring and at times hateful yet expect me to feel the same but I don’t. 


I’ve gone from being a self fulfilled, creative , passionate , loner who enjoyed  life and the person I was to become a subservient doormat whom my girlfriend can take advantage of. Now I only talk about things my girlfriend wants to discuss, only participate in things she likes to do, only watch programs on television or listen to music she likes and I don’t even complain. 


My girlfriend doesn’t want an intimate relationship with me, isn’t the least bit interested in sex, feels far more comfortable with me sleeping in a different bed in a different room, and would even prefer if I slept with strangers rather than bother  her. She doesn’t share or like any of my interests yet  seems to really enjoy being alone . I have however become more interested in making money since this seems to please her greatly. 


Most of my life, I’ve been rejected by others and am used to it which is why I had  this lifestyle to begin with. My girlfriend seemed to understand and except  this about me yet now  doesn’t seem to even like the person I’ve become, let alone love. She drinks, goes to bar type restaurants , listens to music I dislike, eats meat, enjoys watching drag queens and is religious. All things I dislike. 


She’s basically my polar opposite and while it’s a known fact that opposites attract, there doesn’t seem to be any attraction in this relationship yet I keep trying to the point of losing my authentic self and it feels so foreign. 
Who is this person I’ve become that everyone else seems to be  happy with? I’ve stifled and suppressed my unique, authentic self to win the approval of people who don’t even like me, let alone respect me.


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## Aunt Bea (May 22, 2019)




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## treeguy64 (May 22, 2019)

Keesha's post needs to be taken to heart, N. Get out of that relationship, set yourself free! Find your happiness, again.


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## Nihil (May 22, 2019)

Thank you all for your responses. I’m going to attempt to use my creativity to make money. I plan to sell string art and abstract paintings on Etsy. I need to concentrate on paying the bills. I don’t have a lot of conventional knowledge. I’ve built and fixed practical items, but I only research what needs to be done rather than carry that knowledge in my head. I used to do mechanical work on my cars, but cars are now built so that I need a mechanic. I don’t have the aggressive and conformist personality of employers, so I’m not a candidate for most employment that pays well. I recently interviewed with a manager, an ex preacher, and assistant of an organization much like the one I left due to an injury. I let them know that I was previously sent to neglected stores to turn them around in a matter of days. The managers were concerned  I couldn’t be promoted if I weren’t willing to intimidate those below me.

I’ve been down to nothing a few times in my life. The difference now, is that I don’t aim to acquire anything. I’ve just been enjoying the feeling I get from nature and my surroundings. If I weren’t so scientific minded, I’d call this feeling spirituality.

I’ve always wanted to find at least one person with whom to enjoy at least one of my many hobbies. I’ve found a few musicians, but they’ve had destructive mental problems. I’ve never met a woman who understands me. All the women I’ve been with have wanted me to change. I’ve lost a lot of pretty women for being a free spirit. I’m too old to lose another one.


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## Nihil (May 22, 2019)

treeguy64 said:


> Keesha's post needs to be taken to heart, N. Get out of that relationship, set yourself free! Find your happiness, again.



I've never found happiness, and I've been looking hard and long. I have to accept what my father said. I'm 1 in 10,000,000. He used to say that was a bad thing. I also have to accept what a woman I talked to on a bench told me. If I continue to seek truth, I'll die a lonely man. My Gf is very much an introvert, but I'm an extreme extravert. I have to interact with people, or I'll wither away.


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## SeaBreeze (May 22, 2019)

Nihil said:


> I’ve gone from having a lot of quirky interests to just wanting to work. I’m still interested in sexuality, but my girlfriend is just as cold as she’s ever been. She appreciates that I’ve stopped trying to get frisky with her. We now sleep in separate rooms. She suggested that I have sex with strangers, but I’m only interested in intimacy.
> 
> My voice has recently lowered an octave, and I now keep conversations to the bare minimum. Townspeople don’t seem to mind talking with me now. However, I’m still not interested in pop culture, sports, consumerism, religion, or political parties. I’m now just one of those soft spoken men. I can’t mention that I’m a godless socialist vegan hippie. These aspects would frighten people.
> 
> ...



Nihil, I feel for you, I hear a lot of sadness in your post and I'm sorry you're going through this.  People do fall out of love, it happens all the time and usually one person leaves and goes out on their own.  Of course, if financially impossible, then sometimes they live together.

  Your girlfriend seems to be a very selfish person, not considering your likes and needs in life, it's a shame that there was no moderate 'in between' in your case, you shouldn't have had to get rid of _everything _that gave you pleasure and submit to _all _her wants.  You are a mature man, not a child.

She seems to have you whipped, stripping you of your personality and molding you into a robot who pleases her lifestyle.  It shouldn't be that extreme, there should be give and take in any relationship.  It should never be all or nothing at all, in my opinion.



Nihil said:


> I’ve been down to nothing a few times in my life. The difference now, is that I don’t aim to acquire anything. I’ve just been enjoying the feeling I get from nature and my surroundings. If I weren’t so scientific minded, I’d call this feeling spirituality.
> 
> I’ve always wanted to find at least one person with whom to enjoy at least one of my many hobbies. I’ve found a few musicians, but they’ve had destructive mental problems. I’ve never met a woman who understands me. All the women I’ve been with have wanted me to change. I’ve lost a lot of pretty women for being a free spirit. I’m too old to lose another one.



I know you don't want to lose what you have with her, because you very well may be completely alone.  Only you can know the situation you're in and if it's worth staying, I even wonder is staying would be permanent for you, she may have other plans in the future. 

I'm not a religious person either, but I do love to be out in nature, it  is beautiful, magnificent and very calming to the soul.  Maybe you can  do some things without her in the outdoors, it's possible you'll meet a  woman out there doing the same thing.

Your girlfriend has put you in your own room and made you give away  possessions that meant something to you.  I wonder now, if she were to  meet another man (or woman) she wanted to have a romantic relationship  with, where would that put you?  Could she have someone over and have  you there?  What if she suddenly wanted to live with someone else?

None of us were born to please another person completely, if it works  out that way then we're lucky.  But to get beaten down like you have,  stripped of your personality and made to be the male version of a  Stepford Wife, seems very cold hearted and drastic.     




Nihil said:


> I've never found happiness, and I've been looking hard and long. I have to accept what my father said. I'm 1 in 10,000,000. He used to say that was a bad thing.
> 
> I also have to accept what a woman I talked to on a bench told me.



It doesn't sound like you're happy now, perhaps you should just be yourself, you may feel less empty.  But that may take moving out.  You don't have to accept what your father said, or what some stranger said to you on a bench.  You don't have to answer, but what did she say to you?  All of us just give opinions with the information given us, it's hard for anyone to really know what's going on in your life unless they live it with you.

Hang in there, keep an open mind, think of yourself and if you're content to live like this even though there's no guarantee that you'll be with her in the future.  Weigh the pros and cons of moving out on your own and having your own free will again, whether alone or if you meet someone who cares about you more.  Good luck with your choices, I wish you the best.


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## Nihil (May 22, 2019)

I have 7 cats, and we love each other very much. They live in an ideal spot for freedom. It would be very difficult to relocate them. There is a church group that has been encroaching on my enjoyment of the wilderness outside my front door. However, they're not firing paint guns and cranking the Christian pop that often. 

I picked up a lot of interests to deal with my nihilism and hoped to find others who shared them. I mostly dream of bringing people together. I just can't find people who need people.


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## Nihil (May 22, 2019)

SeaBreeze said:


> I even wonder is staying would be permanent for you, she may have other plans in the future.



I don't think she would run off with another man. She’s not interested in straight men. She’s always been interested in gay men and nuns. She would rather be completely alone. She doesn't like it when men flirt with her. She says she's asexual. She says people make her think about her hypocrisies. She gets violently emotional when the subject of her hypocrisy is brought up. She doesn’t want to be around people, and people don’t like me. We have isolation in common. She appreciates that I do the things for her she doesn’t want to do for herself. If she did leave, I would still have a place with my cats, so that would be fine.


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## Keesha (May 22, 2019)

I’d rather be alone with 7 cats than sell my soul.


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## Nihil (May 22, 2019)

Keesha said:


> I’d rather be alone with 7 cats than sell my soul.



My "soul" was an invention to occupy my time, control the bullies, and meet women. The only thing that would make me happy is a commune. In the meantime, I'll settle for an occasional peck on the lips from a pretty woman.


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## hollydolly (May 22, 2019)

Nihil said:


> I don't think she would run off with another man. She’s not interested in straight men. She’s always been interested in gay men and nuns. She would rather be completely alone. She doesn't like it when men flirt with her. She says she's asexual. She says people make her think about her hypocrisies. She gets violently emotional when the subject of her hypocrisy is brought up. She doesn’t want to be around people, and people don’t like me. We have isolation in common. She appreciates that I do the things for her she doesn’t want to do for herself. If she did leave, I would still have a place with my cats, so that would be fine.



So is this woman using you just for a place to live then? ....a peck on the cheek?..cheap at the price I'd say!!


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## Nihil (May 22, 2019)

hollydolly said:


> So is this woman using you just for a place to live then? ....a peck on the cheek?..cheap at the price I'd say!!



I moved in with her. This is the best place I've ever lived. My main concern is losing this place. I'm only still here because I listen to her complaints about people. Ironically, she complains about people who complain about people. 

It's a peck on the lips. Being kissed is a huge thrill for me.


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## hollydolly (May 22, 2019)

Nihil said:


> I moved in with her. This is the best place I've ever lived. My main concern is losing this place. I'm only still here because I listen to her complaints about people. Ironically, she complains about people who complain about people.
> 
> It's a peck on the lips. Being kissed is a huge thrill for me.



So would she manage financially if you moved out?.... a peck on the LIPS...wow, that changes everything, I can see why you are hanging on...

I don't think you realise just how sad this is sounding...I really feel for you, everyone should have the best chance they can of living the life they want, we only get the one chance at it!!


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## Nihil (May 22, 2019)

hollydolly said:


> So would she manage financially if you moved out?



She's a banker. Right now, I'm unemployed due to an injury from working hard. It's been difficult to find work, as alpha males don't like me. I've been selling things to pay the rent. I have a good lead. I'll go to the temp agencies if that doesn't pan out. The last time I did that, I got a warehouse job. I worked hard, but the rednecks didn't like me, so I didn't get to stay on.


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## Trade (May 22, 2019)

Keesha said:


> I’d rather be alone with 7 cats than sell my soul.



I'd rather be alone with no cats.


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## Butterfly (May 22, 2019)

Geezerette said:


> I don't know anything about amps & stuff but frankly that "girlfriend" sounds like slow acting poison thats killing you.



Just what I was thinking.


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## Nihil (May 22, 2019)

Butterfly said:


> Just what I was thinking.



She smiles and makes conversation. I've lived long enough to know I'm lucky to know a person who will do that with me. People just don't like me.


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## Geezerette (May 22, 2019)

I worked in th mental health field for many years & there were 2 problems I found to be practically unsolvable .First is people who are addicted to and & thrive on chaos. Work with them & give them the tools to have a calm existence; they endure it for a while but the first chance they get they stir things up again. Cycle repeats. 
The other is people who go from one dysfunctional relationship after another, cannot sustain life by themselves & live by "Anybody is better than nobody."
It may not be that people dislike you; they may just be too wrapped up in themselves to give you any attention or encouragement.


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## AZ Jim (May 22, 2019)

This sounds cold and I don't mean it to be but it seems like you need to grow up, face reality and move on.  You are allowing a girlfriend to control the ONLY life you get here on earth. Take charge of your own happiness. Big boy pants....wear 'em...


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## Pepper (May 22, 2019)

I'm interested in the picture you displayed.  Are you in it?  When/where was it taken?  If it is of the church group you mentioned, pic is so retro looks like the 1960's.


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## Nihil (May 22, 2019)

Geezerette said:


> The other is people who go from one dysfunctional relationship after another, cannot sustain life by themselves & live by "Anybody is better than nobody."



My father was the same way until my mother got a hold of him. That turned him off from women for good. She confessed to me that she intended to use men and rob them. My father thinks she was sexually abused by her father. I've been with a lot of women, so I've seen some PTSD and know those ladies are a handful.



Geezerette said:


> It may not be that people dislike you; they may just be too wrapped up in themselves to give you any attention or encouragement.



People will actively ignore me in a group or attack me. Individuals think I'm weird, because I question the narrative. It's been that way all my life. That's why I'm content to be with anyone who will talk to me about anything. I'd live out my life with a male roommate if any guy got along with me and wanted to do the same.


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## Nihil (May 22, 2019)

Pepper said:


> I'm interested in the picture you displayed.  Are you in it?  When/where was it taken?  If it is of the church group you mentioned, pic is so retro looks like the 1960's.



That's a picture of people who lived communally in the past. That's what I've always wanted.


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## Nihil (May 22, 2019)

AZ Jim said:


> This sounds cold and I don't mean it to be but it seems like you need to grow up, face reality and move on.  You are allowing a girlfriend to control the ONLY life you get here on earth. Take charge of your own happiness. Big boy pants....wear 'em...



I thought I was growing up by getting rid of all my pastimes and focusing on working all the time. As far as moving on goes, I know I'm lucky to have anyone. I'm a pariah.


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## AZ Jim (May 22, 2019)

Nihil said:


> I thought I was growing up by getting rid of all my pastimes and focusing on working all the time. As far as moving on goes, I know I'm lucky to have anyone. I'm a pariah.


Don't be so hard on yourself.  Remember YOU are your own best friend.  Step at a time my friend...


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## Keesha (May 22, 2019)

Nihil said:


> I don't think she would run off with another man. She’s not interested in straight men. She’s always been interested in gay men and nuns. She would rather be completely alone. She doesn't like it when men flirt with her. She says she's asexual. She says people make her think about her hypocrisies. She gets violently emotional when the subject of her hypocrisy is brought up. She doesn’t want to be around people, and people don’t like me. We have isolation in common. She appreciates that I do the things for her she doesn’t want to do for herself. If she did leave, I would still have a place with my cats, so that would be fine.


She’s not interested in straight men, only gay men and nuns. 
So she’s only interested in people who have no interest in sex with women. 


Nihil said:


> My "soul" was an invention to occupy my time, control the bullies, and meet women. The only thing that would make me happy is a commune. In the meantime, I'll settle for an occasional peck on the lips from a pretty woman.


Your soul was an invention to occupy your time , control the bullies and meet women?
Haha. And how’s that working for you? :lofl: Well this explains a lot 


Nihil said:


> I moved in with her. This is the best place I've ever lived. My main concern is losing this place. I'm only still here because I listen to her complaints about people. Ironically, she complains about people who complain about people.
> 
> It's a peck on the lips. Being kissed is a huge thrill for me.





Nihil said:


> She's a banker. Right now, I'm unemployed due to an injury from working hard. It's been difficult to find work, as alpha males don't like me. I've been selling things to pay the rent. I have a good lead. I'll go to the temp agencies if that doesn't pan out. The last time I did that, I got a warehouse job. I worked hard, but the rednecks didn't like me, so I didn't get to stay on.


Ahhhh. It’s HER place and she’s been the one supporting you. That’s what I thought.,



Nihil said:


> She smiles and makes conversation. I've lived long enough to know I'm lucky to know a person who will do that with me. People just don't like me.





Nihil said:


> My father was the same way until my mother got a hold of him. That turned him off from women for good. She confessed to me that she intended to use men and rob them. My father thinks she was sexually abused by her father. I've been with a lot of women, so I've seen some PTSD and know those ladies are a handful.
> 
> People will actively ignore me in a group or attack me. Individuals think I'm weird, because I question the narrative. It's been that way all my life. That's why I'm content to be with anyone who will talk to me about anything. I'd live out my life with a male roommate if any guy got along with me and wanted to do the same.





Nihil said:


> That's a picture of people who lived communally in the past. That's what I've always wanted.


The picture is your ideal lifestyle but a peck on the cheek will suffice from a dysfunctional woman who gets violently aggressive 



Nihil said:


> I thought I was growing up by getting rid of all my pastimes and focusing on working all the time. As far as moving on goes, I know I'm lucky to have anyone. I'm a pariah.


From reading your posts I will congratulate you on getting just what you expected from life. 
It sounds like a ‘perfect match’ to me. 
Like S & M without the S. 

Note: Your posting style reminds me of another member here who posts similar threads to yours.
The content and end result is the same. You got what you expected. That’s how life is supposed to work so congratulations once again. She’s a perfect match for you. :yes:


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## SeaBreeze (May 22, 2019)

Nihil said:


> I moved in with her. This is the best place I've ever lived. My main concern is losing this place. I'm only still here because I listen to her complaints about people. Ironically, she complains about people who complain about people.
> 
> It's a peck on the lips. Being kissed is a huge thrill for me.





Nihil said:


> She smiles and makes conversation. I've lived long enough to know I'm lucky to know a person who will do that with me. People just don't like me.



Nihil, if you've been staying in her place all this time, and she interacts and gets along with you better than anyone has before, then you really should think more positively about your situation.  Also, if those 7 cats are yours, and she's okay with them living in her home, that's a big plus from the way I see it.  My pets are family and I think you feel the same about your cats.

Anyone in any relationship has to listen to complaints about things from their partners, that's part of the package.  When you come home it's nice to be able to share things that made you happy or upset you during your day, especially if you're still working.  After retirement, complaints lessen greatly.

She smiles, talks to you and gives you a friendly kiss now and then, from what you've said, that's a pretty nice thing you have.  I'm not sure why so many people don't like you, and I don't know if that's really how everyone feels or if you just interpret it that way.  In any case, your girlfriend seems to be a good match for you, your living arrangements even without intimacy seem to be ideal for your personality.   If she's a roommate rather than a lover, that's okay, don't take that friendship too lightly. 

I suggest you make a little bit of an attitude adjustment in yourself, don't look at the negatives, things can be so much worse for you.  You have a friend, you have a place to live where you're welcome.  Even if it's not the relationship you hoped for all your life, it is the one you have.  You should be more positive and appreciate the good things about it.

Bringing in some money will help with your self-esteem and make her feel better about your being there, because you would be contributing to the household financially, nothing wrong with that.  Take note of the good things in your life right now, it seems there are enough which shouldn't be ignored.  Living in a hippie commune when you're over 50 in the year 2019 just doesn't seem very secure or reasonable, and what about your cats?  You'd be happier if you were just thankful for what you have now, look to the future with some light in your heart and eyes, you won't regret it.


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