# Did you find it hard forming friendships with your children?



## grahamg (Nov 15, 2020)

This may seem like another silly question, and yet some "parenting experts" do try to tell you to be wary of trying to be your child's friend, rather than their parent, (advice I mostly ignored).

However, I think it fair to say my own father was a stranger to me, at least until I was six, (not that he wasn't living in the home, but he came in from work late, as us children were being packed off to bed at 7.00pm, or 7.30pm sometimes).

I believe I found it very easy to form a friendship with my daughter, overcoming obstacles placed in our way fairly easily for ten years at least, and if the opportunity arose again, probably could do so as easily for a second time, but a generation ago things were very different weren't they, and my father was probably brought up to keep himself a bit distant, and did all those things his generation were known for, such as failing to tell his children he loved us, even though he did, (as I've said elsewhere, my parents didn't tell each other they loved their wife/husband!).

So, did you find it difficult forming a friendship with your child?


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## Gary O' (Nov 15, 2020)

grahamg said:


> So, did you find it difficult forming a friendship with your child?


Not at all.....when they became adults


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## grahamg (Nov 16, 2020)

Gary O' said:


> Not at all.....when they became adults


Your issues were with the previous generation I believe you've told us, but great to hear your positive view of your relationship with your own children.


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## Rosemarie (Nov 16, 2020)

I think we should ignore so-called experts and do what seems right for us. Children need discipline and guidance...we should be parents first. If we are on good terms with our children, it obviously makes life more pleasant for everyone, but we shouldn't be regarded as friends.


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## grahamg (Nov 16, 2020)

Rosemarie said:


> I think we should ignore so-called experts and do what seems right for us. Children need discipline and guidance...we should be parents first. If we are on good terms with our children, it obviously makes life more pleasant for everyone, but we shouldn't be regarded as friends.



I'd give "expert opinion" a health warning too, when it comes to raising our children, because they dont seem to have all the angles covered when they try to raise their own I suspect, or would be my argument. However, it would be wrong to completely dismiss any input from outside the family where necessary, over all kinds of things perhaps, about the schooling of our children, or where difficulties in the home are getting out of hand in some way, (even without any violence where of course that's a different matter).

I just wanted to throw this comment I found on another thread in this section for your thoughts on it, which I'll quote anonymously: _"No one person is more important than another."  _

I want to try to assert I was right to make friendship an important part of my relationship with my daughter, because I was in fairly special circumstances I feel, (I wont go into them again here), and her mother was providing the authority figure role in her life, even though I wasn't a complete walk over myself when it came to it. The comment I've thrown in above is in my mind because assertions about whether or not you can be a friend to your child, slips into all the questions I have in my mind about "equality" generally, (you may have seen some of my controversial comments on this, as I claim "equality" can mean whatever anyone wishes it to mean almost, and is a moveable feast). Are we treating our children as "equals" if we hold ourselves apart from them so far as friendship goes, I'd suggest not, but I do know this friend whose love life was pretty complicated, who suggested as you do, he had to provide a stabilising role.


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## MarciKS (Nov 16, 2020)

I never had children. I'm friends with my mother now but I have always had a strained relationship with my father.


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## Ken N Tx (Nov 16, 2020)

Gary O' said:


> Not at all.....when they became adults


 and they choose their friends like I do..


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## Pepper (Nov 16, 2020)

When my son was born I said to my husband "We just gave birth to our best friend."  And he is, and was, and always will be.  The saying "Do onto others?"  The same should be said for how we relate to our children.  I am unanimous in that.


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## Aunt Marg (Nov 16, 2020)

I have a solid relationship with all of my children, with a few who I am closer to, and no, I am not suggesting or saying that I love the ones who I am closer to _more_, I am simply saying that I am closer to them than the rest, and I'm good with it.

I've never viewed my relationship with any of my kids as a friendship. I'm their mom, the end. Sure, my daughters and I come across as sisters when we're together, but were not friends, and I'm good with that, too.


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## StarSong (Nov 16, 2020)

My current relationships with my 30-somethin children would be more accurately described as close friendships than parent-child.  
Although they still lived at home, once they started college we began transitioning pretty rapidly.  

I much prefer this version of my relationship with them.  My kids are freaking awesome if I do say so myself.  Which I do.  Often.


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## Gary O' (Nov 16, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> I have a solid relationship with all of my children, with a few who I am closer to


Reminds me of a poster I made in another life;



Oh, and while thumbing thru my poster file, I ran across this one
It may not be pertinent to this topic, but...kinda cute;


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## Rosemarie (Nov 16, 2020)

StarSong said:


> My current relationships with my 30-somethin children would be more accurately described as close friendships than parent-child.
> Although they still lived at home, once they started college we began transitioning pretty rapidly.
> 
> I much prefer this version of my relationship with them.  My kids are freaking awesome if I do say so myself.  Which I do.  Often.


My own children are pretty special too, but then, they were brought up by me so I think I can take a lot of credit for the way they have turned out.


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## Pinky (Nov 16, 2020)

My daughter and I are closer than I ever would have imagined a parent/child relationship. For this, I am so grateful.


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## grahamg (Nov 17, 2020)

Pinky said:


> My daughter and I are closer than I ever would have imagined a parent/child relationship. For this, I am so grateful.


Your comments made me do a little research:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...g-intimacy-your-child-when-adolescence-begins

Quote:
"TWO PATHS TO INTIMACY, I believe that there are two paths to intimacy in human relationships whether between dear friends, romantic or marriage partners, or between parent and offspring.


The easier path is through _combining human similarities_ to create a sense of common interests and concerns, creating closeness together through sharing likeness in this way. 
The harder path is through _encompassing human differences_, working around individual incompatibilities and working through interpersonal conflicts in this way. "
Couples who say they are entirely alike and never disagree may be suppressing authentic diversity and sacrificing significant intimacy. For example, between an authoritarian parent with a high need for obedience and an anxious teenager with a high need to please, compliance can be at the expense of communication. “With my dad, I make myself easy to get along with, but harder to really know.”


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## asp3 (Nov 17, 2020)

My father was always distant and usually busy for most of my childhood.  I recall playing chess with him when I was younger but as soon as I started to win he lost his interest in chess.  My mother was never much of a playful person.  However I do recall playing scrabble with the family sometimes (My mom or my folks and sometimes my younger sister) and I remember those times fondly.

When I became a parent I wanted to be more available for my son and then my step-son after my new wife and I married.  We continued to play games either as a family or just with me and one of my sons.  My sons generally got less interested in playing with dad and I wasn't really interested in the video games they were playing but we continued to play board games and card games together from time to time.

I have a really good relationship with my step-son and think of him as a friend.  My biological son and I have a more complicated history from his junior year of high school on but we've been getting closer over the last few years.  We do share a love of wine and hopefully one of these days he'll join us for wine tasting with or without his girlfriend (we like her so with is fine.)


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## oldman (Nov 17, 2020)

grahamg said:


> This may seem like another silly question, and yet some "parenting experts" do try to tell you to be wary of trying to be your child's friend, rather than their parent, (advice I mostly ignored).
> 
> However, I think it fair to say my own father was a stranger to me, at least until I was six, (not that he wasn't living in the home, but he came in from work late, as us children were being packed off to bed at 7.00pm, or 7.30pm sometimes).
> 
> ...


Your dad didn’t come home late, you went to bed too early.


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## grahamg (Nov 17, 2020)

oldman said:


> Your dad didn’t come home late, you went to bed too early.


Do you think my mother gave us a lot of choice, with seven to pack off to bed, (all born within nine years)?

She could be fierce!


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## Mr. Ed (Nov 17, 2020)

Don’t get me started about parenting, my dad was a complete screwup. I wish time permitted me to tell him to his face


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## Pinky (Nov 17, 2020)

My daughter is an only child. She is equally close to both myself and her father. I was an at-home parent and did a lot with her every day, such as taking her to parks and the library for story-time, in order to have contact with other children. We played board games every night after dinner, and when older, she introduced me to computer games. We share other interests, such as books and movies. She also didn't leave home until she married a few years ago, which was a lot longer than I stayed in the family home. I think having a lot in common has kept us close.


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## AnnieA (Nov 17, 2020)

Friendship wasn't my parent's goal when we were children.  Providing stability (and the discipline required for that) within the context of a loving home environment, teaching responsibility and ethics, developing our talents were their focus.   They were the parents; we were the children.  They loved us and we knew it, but we also knew the boundaries.  Now that we're all adults, we're friends.    They managed to do this working hard outside the home.  I watched my dad come in a lot of evenings during planting and harvest seasons with just enough energy to shower and eat while mom worked horrible hours (surgery doesn't have a set schedule and safety laws no longer permit anesthetists to log the hours she did back then).  I am so very thankful for them!


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## Murrmurr (Nov 17, 2020)

Gary O' said:


> Not at all.....when they became adults


Ditto. I raised two sons and a daughter without their mother. She died when they were still very young. So I was just their parent and all the roles that go with that when they were kids and now they're my best friends.


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## jerry old (Nov 17, 2020)

AnnieA said:


> Friendship wasn't my parent's goal when we were children.  Providing stability (and the discipline required for that) within the context of a loving home environment, teaching responsibility and ethics, developing our talents were their focus.   They were the parents; we were the children.




Children are wild folk, the application of rules, do and don't s are the role  of parents.
If they hold grudges, so be it.
Go virtually anywhere in public, you will see kids that have had no discipline-you wonder what type of
parent's they will be.


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## AnnieA (Nov 17, 2020)

jerry old said:


> Children are wild folk, the application of rules, do and don't s are the role  of parents.
> If they hold grudges, so be it.
> Go virtually anywhere in public, you will see kids that have had no discipline-you wonder what type of
> parent's they will be.



I don't think most hold long-term grudges for appropriate discipline administered by loving parents.  Kids want boundaries for their developing emotions.


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## grahamg (Nov 17, 2020)

jerry old said:


> Children are wild folk, the application of rules, do and don't s are the role  of parents.
> If they hold grudges, so be it.
> Go virtually anywhere in public, you will see kids that have had no discipline-you wonder what type of
> parent's they will be.


My daughter was a pleasure to be around, even when very young, and you could talk to her if she did start copying another kid playing up to seek attention, (I told her she was an interesting person in her own right).

There was one quite memorable incident on Blackpool beach in the UK, where would you believe there are "sand pits" for children to play in, even though there is a large sandy beach, (come to think of it perhaps its needed when the tide is in?).

Anyway a grandfather was there, along with a group of children, or family of children, mum and dad, and those kids were okay, but a bit rowdy perhaps. Our daughter played away happily in the sand, maybe it was the first time at the seaside, so she was very young.

The grandfather with excellent, dry humour said, "We'll have to move away from this trouble maker", (pointing at our child)!

We laughed anyway, and there were other instances where watching my daughter play rowdily with friends children in the back garden, was a pleasure to behold too.   .


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## FastTrax (Nov 17, 2020)

Gary O' said:


> Reminds me of a poster I made in another life;
> 
> View attachment 133694
> 
> ...



ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gary O' you outdid yourself with the Matthew/Notmatthew picture. Reminds me of Meet Joe Black with Anthony Hopkins and Brad Pitt.


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## Phoenix (Nov 17, 2020)

My children are and have been my dogs and cats.  I had no problem being friends with them.  My husband's children are impossible to become friends with.  They are users.


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