# I'm Incredibly Depressed



## Nihil (Apr 21, 2019)

My now ex girlfriend told me last night that whenever I touched her, she felt violated. I too have felt this way about other women. She's been giving me the cold shoulder for a longtime. Her interactions with me have been obviously disingenuous. She didn't appreciate my abilities and interests. She would only do something with me if it's what she wanted to do. I didn't appreciate her interests and abilities either. A while back, I let her know that I pretended to enjoy doing the things she likes, but she wouldn't do the same for me. That made her uncomfortable. We were together 16 years. Her daughter graduated high school, so I guess we're no longer staying together for the child.


I have no one to talk to. People seem like some combination of superficial, oblivious, and controlling. I'm too old to put up with people. I can't be a happy go lucky absurdist anymore. I'm stuck in hard cold reality by myself.


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## Falcon (Apr 21, 2019)

Looks  like  you're   posting a  "Pity Party".   Be like me:.....I don't  allow  myself  to get  depressed !  Such a waste
of time.


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## Nihil (Apr 21, 2019)

Falcon said:


> Looks  like  you're   posting a  "Pity Party".   Be like me:.....I don't  allow  myself  to get  depressed !  Such a waste
> of time.



I'm looking for some conversation and comfort. You've shown me that I don't want to be like you.


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## Falcon (Apr 21, 2019)

Awwww!   Too bad.


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## Nihil (Apr 21, 2019)

It's too bad that I'd have to pay someone to talk to me about depression.


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## Keesha (Apr 21, 2019)

Do you not have any free 1-800 numbers you could call?
Im not sure how to help you. I do know that sometimes hearing startling news that’s difficult to digest can instantly darken our reality. 

When I go through these types of phases I take one day at a time and make sure to treat myself with unconditional love and kindness. Sometimes to get my thoughts away from myself and the depression I focus my attention on others instead.


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## RadishRose (Apr 21, 2019)

Nihil said:


> It's too bad that I'd have to pay someone to talk to me about depression.



Nihil there are many people you might talk to without paying for it. You must have some friends or family that would. If not, well.... you still have us.

I know that lonely depression well. Sometimes it seems overwhelming, especially at our age. But hang in there. Try not to dwell but instead make plans, or even one plan. Better days are coming for you!


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## AZ Jim (Apr 21, 2019)

I think many others have more reason for depression than you.  Think positive.


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## Aunt Bea (Apr 21, 2019)

Nihil said:


> My now ex girlfriend told me last night that whenever I touched her, she felt violated. I too have felt this way about other women. She's been giving me the cold shoulder for a longtime. Her interactions with me have been obviously disingenuous. She didn't appreciate my abilities and interests. She would only do something with me if it's what she wanted to do. I didn't appreciate her interests and abilities either. A while back, I let her know that I pretended to enjoy doing the things she likes, but she wouldn't do the same for me. That made her uncomfortable. We were together 16 years. Her daughter graduated high school, so I guess we're no longer staying together for the child.
> 
> 
> *I have no one to talk to. People seem like some combination of superficial, oblivious, and controlling. I'm too old to put up with people. I can't be a happy go lucky absurdist anymore. I'm stuck in hard cold reality by myself.*



I don't mean to be rude or seem cold but this seems more like a tantrum than depression to me.

IMO the decription of your relationship over the last 16 years does not sound healthy.

Accept the fact that your girlfriend has decided to move on and begin building a new life for yourself.

I hope that you both find what you are searching for.


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## Nihil (Apr 21, 2019)

RadishRose said:


> Nihil there are many people you might talk to without paying for it. You must have some friends or family that would. If not, well.... you still have us.
> 
> I know that lonely depression well. Sometimes it seems overwhelming, especially at our age. But hang in there. Try not to dwell but instead make plans, or even one plan. Better days are coming for you!



I've got 7 cats. Thanks for being there for me.


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## Nihil (Apr 21, 2019)

AZ Jim said:


> I think many others have more reason for depression than you.  Think positive.



I don't do schadenfreude.


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## AZ Jim (Apr 21, 2019)

Nihil said:


> I don't do schadenfreude.


I am sorry.  I didn't get any pleasure from your plight.  What I was trying (obviously unsuccessfully) to do was suggest you pick up your chin, and try to move on.  I am sorry for your pain...


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## Keesha (Apr 21, 2019)

Just keep in mind that clinic depression isn’t a mood you can snap out of. 
Its more complex than that. Try and love and accept yourself just as you are including all your thoughts and emotions, no matter how negative they are. You are allowed to feel depressed. 

When I’ve been in deep stages of depression one of the very first steps of healing for me was to accept that I was a valuable human even while being depressed. It’s human nature to reject the things we don’t like and in doing so we reject ourselves yet don’t quite see it. Accept yourself as you are, including your depression. It’s not a separate entity. It’s a part of you and it’s ok to feel depressed.


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## Nihil (Apr 21, 2019)

Keesha said:


> Just keep in mind that clinic depression isn’t a mood you can snap out of.
> Its more complex than that. Try and love and accept yourself just as you are including all your thoughts and emotions, no matter how negative they are. You are allowed to feel depressed.
> 
> When I’ve been in deep stages of depression one of the very first steps of healing for me was to accept that I was a valuable human even while being depressed. It’s human nature to reject the things we don’t like and in doing so we reject ourselves yet don’t quite see it. Accept yourself as you are, including your depression. It’s not a separate entity. It’s a part of you and it’s ok to feel depressed.



I'm accepting that I'm depressed. It doesn't feel OK. Thanks for your feedback.


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## Keesha (Apr 21, 2019)

Nihil said:


> I'm accepting that I'm depressed. It doesn't feel OK. Thanks for your feedback.


You’re welcome. 
No it doesn’t at all and won’t for a while but each day that goes by that you love and accept yourself , including your depression is a step closer to transforming it within you. It isn’t easy but resistance can make it even more difficult.


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## Nihil (Apr 21, 2019)

Keesha said:


> You’re welcome.
> No it doesn’t at all and won’t for a while but each day that goes by that you love and accept yourself , including your depression is a step closer to transforming it within you. It isn’t easy but resistance can make it even more difficult.



It's not easy to resist. That's why I'm looking for friendly distraction.


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## Keesha (Apr 21, 2019)

Well you have come to the right place. :yes:


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## Nihil (Apr 21, 2019)

We're adjusting to going through a terrifying night. We had pent up disrespect for each other and ourselves. We had a box of wine. We learned that my daughter's subtly building disrespect for me has bloomed into a full blown power play. I remember that angst. It hurts. I kept going back to visit my dad as he aged. We'll see.


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## C'est Moi (Apr 21, 2019)

Hmmm.   Sounds like the "box of wine" is playing heavily in this mini-drama.


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## Falcon (Apr 21, 2019)

I think  you're  right  C'est  Moi.    TeeHee


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## AZ Jim (Apr 21, 2019)

Alcohol is a depressant.....


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## Keesha (Apr 21, 2019)

AZ Jim said:


> Alcohol is a depressant.....


Absolutely. That’s one of the reasons I don’t drink. It affects me in a negative way. 
Alcohol tends to exaggerate your current mood so if you are already sad then you aren’t doing yourself any favours 
End of lecture nthego:


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## SeaBreeze (Apr 21, 2019)

Nihil said:


> My now ex girlfriend told me last night that whenever I touched her, she felt violated. I too have felt this way about other women. She's been giving me the cold shoulder for a longtime. Her interactions with me have been obviously disingenuous. She didn't appreciate my abilities and interests. She would only do something with me if it's what she wanted to do. I didn't appreciate her interests and abilities either. A while back, I let her know that I pretended to enjoy doing the things she likes, but she wouldn't do the same for me. That made her uncomfortable. We were together 16 years. Her daughter graduated high school, so I guess we're no longer staying together for the child.
> 
> 
> I have no one to talk to. People seem like some combination of superficial, oblivious, and controlling. I'm too old to put up with people. I can't be a happy go lucky absurdist anymore. I'm stuck in hard cold reality by myself.



I'm sorry to hear that you two broke up after all those years Nihil.  I have to tell you my feelings about those who need to divorce also.  Life is too short to stay with someone who you're not really happy with, and that includes partners who aren't really happy being with you.

 Staying together in those situations is not healthy for either party.  If my husband wanted to leave me because another woman made him happier, I would let him go and not hold a grudge.  I love him enough to want him to be content with his life.

We were all born on this earth alone, none of us were born to please any other particular person.  If it so happens that we meet someone we click with, have similar interests and feel that we love each other, that's fantastic.  Then living together and dedicating our lives to one another is close to perfection. 

 But even if things start out good and then years later they turn sour, it's time to part and go our separate ways.  Living alone is better than living with someone who doesn't really appreciate you for who you are or love you completely.

  Once you're on your own, if you happen to meet someone else of interest, that's great....potential for a new relationship that may work out well and make you happy.  Hang in there, just accept it and try to be positive.  Do you have to move into another place, or is she leaving?


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## Shalimar (Apr 21, 2019)

One of the prevalent and damaging myths in our culture is that depression is a choice. No wonder people, men in particular, are loathe to admit that is how they feel. Imagine if you will, having a serious physical ailment and dealing with negative reactions from people. Seventy percent of the population will experience some form of severe depression at least once in their lives. It is an illness my friends, not a character defect. Perhaps if we learned to listen to each other more effectively, the rate of suicide among male seniors might not be so high. I applaud the op for his courage in speaking out. This is your first step toward healing.


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## Gary O' (Apr 21, 2019)

Nihil said:


> *I didn't appreciate her interests and abilities either. A while back, I let her know that I pretended to enjoy doing the things she likes *
> 
> 
> I have no one to talk to. People seem like some combination of superficial, oblivious, and controlling. I'm too old to put up with people. I can't be a happy go lucky absurdist anymore. I'm stuck in hard cold reality by myself.



Guess what just got freed up?

Hey, yer thinking too much about yerself
Quit lookin' in the mirror
Look around
Steer yer thoughts toward others

Just go to the mall, and sit at wunna those benches
Watch folks
It’s not only entertaining, but…..OK, well, it’s just entertaining

Anyway, it works
It gets yer mind off you
‘Cause, right now you sound freaking pitiful 

Reading over yer older posts, you got a lotta good sh*t goin’ on
Knock off the booze and get the ef outside

Then, the only thing you’ll pour is into knew creations

Yer prolly wunna those guys that can really create when yer down

That’s all I’ve got

I really can’t identify because I can’t even do dew
Too naturally high already


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## Shalimar (Apr 21, 2019)

. Again I reiterate, depression is not a choice, nor just some selfish act of self absorption. If I had just ignored my symptoms and tried to immerse myself in externals when I was severely depressed, I would be dead. To admit vulnerability requires strength.


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## Shalimar (Apr 22, 2019)

If that made me seem  pitiful to some, so be it. I got help, and got better.


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## Keesha (Apr 22, 2019)

Depression, from my understanding, is narcissistic by its very nature. That’s one of the things about it that makes it seem so pathetic but one of the reasons why a person needs help. 


Feelings of despair and sadness over an extended period of time can physically change our brain chemistry so even if we wanted to think differently, we can’t. This is why  clinical depression becomes more than just a ‘boo hoo’ feeling. 


Getting out of this self indulgent behaviour is a lot more difficult than some here suggest. There have been times in my life where I have had to resort to  taking medication to help change my brain chemistry but even taking this medication can cause some radical adjustments. Medications like these need to be started off slowly and monitored well to help the patient but when they work, they can make a huge difference. 


A drug that did help change my brain chemistry was called Effexor. Of course, like any man made pharmaceutical drug, it doesn’t come without unwanted side effects so although my thinking was changing for the better, it did create unwanted weight gain but when you are this depressed, it’s a side effect that can be dealt with at a later date. 


Clinical depression isn’t socially acceptable at all. As you can see from some of the comments on this thread, many will expect you to just pull up your socks and get over it and it’s not only unhelpful but difficult, if not impossible to do. Being mocked and ridiculed while depressed just adds insult to injury. 


It’s almost impossible to engage in any type of interaction with others while in a depression. 
The mind isn’t functioning normally. 
When a person breaks their arm, they can clearly understand that their arm is broken and go to the right people for help to get it fixed. When a persons brain is broken, there is no common sense reasoning. that the person can understand and if THEY can’t understand it then how are WE to. 


The brain is an organ in our body that can get damaged. Poking fun of members who don’t have normal healthy brain functioning is not only unhelpful but is somewhat sadistic. 
Expecting someone to think better when they simply can’t is unreasonable. 


Oddly enough I have yet to come across a thread where a member complains about an injury where other members jump in and ridicule them. It’s no wonder there’s such a stigma attached.


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## Shalimar (Apr 22, 2019)

On a somber note, the severity of depression in older men often leading to suicide ideation has been brought home to me in horrid fashion during the past year. Three physically healthy male friends killed themselves because they could not face the stigma of clinical depression aka mental illness, and subsequent loss of control over their own minds and the terrible strain on their personal lives.


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## oldman (Apr 22, 2019)

I have been diagnosed with seasonal depression. Every year since my Dad died and then when my mom died it worsened. There is no rhyme or reason for it, but it just comes over me; “Another Christmas season without mom and dad.” 

I don’t let it show or allow it to interfere with the family holiday festivities. I kind of block it the best I can, but when I am alone, that’s my time to mourn and feel sad. My parents were my best friends. 

When I was 8 years old, I made my dad promise that he would never leave me, unless he had to go away because he was in the Army and he agreed. As I got older, I knew that was an impossible promise for him to make, but he did and when he died when I was 24, I reflected back on that promise. (My dad died in a fire.) 

It’s strange how depression sneaks up on a person. My therapist told me that it is in my unconscious and that the holidays trigger it and that is what makes it appear. He suggested to keep busy during the holidays, which is easy, and to keep myself healthy and to keep around friends that are happy. 

When I was still flying and I would fly on Christmas Eve (every so often) I would feel at peace up in the sky and looking in the Heavens. I felt close to Mom and Dad. To some, it sounds weird, I guess, but it was really nice and a very calm feeling. 

So, my suggestion would be to keep busy, make a new best friend and just do things with the friends that you already have. Being around people and sharing time with those that have a positive attitude will help. My therapist also told me something that I thought was very prophetic: “Time does not heal all wounds. It’s what you do with the time that will heal the wounds.”


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## GeorgiaXplant (Apr 22, 2019)

Daughter is disrespectful? If she's a teen, yeah. Teens do that. Just FYI, it really is nothing personal; it's the nature of the teen beast.

Sixteen years with your SO? I hope at least some of them were good, but it sure sounds like it's time to part ways because you don't seem any more enamored of her than she with you. And guess what? Your depression could very well start to lift by simply "splitting the blanket" as we used to say. Never mind finding someone else. Learn to live with yourself first. 

When I recognize the signs of the black cloud of gloom descending, I make myself do something...walk, turn on my favorite music dig in the garden, sit in the sun, read any book that isn't a ponderous, philosophical tome. Something light and preferably humorous. Just do something. One of my responses to myself used to be "I'm too depressed to do anything."

I wish I could help, but unfortunately, we each need to find our own way. Sometimes that means seeking out a professional to point us in the right direction. I only know MY right direction. 

Good luck...and please keep posting, whether you feel like you're making progress or not. In the meantime, don't pull down the shades/close the curtains and sit in the dark, don't get too...too tired, too hungry, too anything.


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## Keesha (Apr 22, 2019)

Shalimar said:


> On a somber note, the severity of depression in older men often leading to suicide ideation has been brought home to me in horrid fashion during the past year. Three physically healthy male friends killed themselves because they could not face the stigma of clinical depression aka mental illness, and subsequent loss of control over their own minds and the terrible strain on their personal lives.


What a terrible shame this is. It shows how depression is still heavily stigmatized( not accepted)  by mainstream society. 
We live in a ‘physical pain suffering only please’ society. Displaying any acts of mental distress is forbidden. Then we wonder why there are so many suicides.
note: this isn’t to say that there aren’t those who are kind and accepting of depression as a mental illness because there are.


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## rgp (Apr 22, 2019)

Falcon said:


> Looks  like  you're   posting a  "Pity Party".   Be like me:.....I don't  allow  myself  to get  depressed !  Such a waste
> of time.




 Amen.......!!


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## gennie (Apr 22, 2019)

If your relationship is worth saving, work on it.  Get out of the doldrums.  Do something fun and exciting together.

If it is not worth saving, move on.  It is far better to travel alone than with an unpleasant companion.


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## C'est Moi (Apr 22, 2019)

All the "depression" discussion and I'll just say this; sometimes a situation caused by a change in our lives (such as the OP) cause us to feel anxious, lonely, etc.   This is simply a reaction to circumstances.   A relationship ending seems like a death, and in a way, it is.   

Many posters here have lost a companion/spouse in the past year and I'm sure they are feeling alone and sad, but hopefully the pain will lessen with time.   

As the OP was written, it seems to me that neither partner had much invested in the relationship, but cutting ties is difficult regardless.


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## Keesha (Apr 22, 2019)

True enough!


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## CindyLouWho (Apr 22, 2019)

C'est Moi said:


> All the "depression" discussion and I'll just say this; sometimes a situation caused by a change in our lives (such as the OP) cause us to feel anxious, lonely, etc.   This is simply a reaction to circumstances.   A relationship ending seems like a death, and in a way, it is.
> 
> Many posters here have lost a companion/spouse in the past year and I'm sure they are feeling alone and sad, but hopefully the pain will lessen with time.
> 
> As the OP was written, it seems to me that neither partner had much invested in the relationship, but cutting ties is difficult regardless.



Well said, C'est Moi. 
Unfortunately, we have to go through the pain and not around it before we can heal & move on; no shortcuts, that's just part of the process which makes us a stronger, better version of ourselves, when all is said and done.


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## jaminhealth (Apr 22, 2019)

OP:  Some folks never make 16 yrs in a marriage.  There had to be some good years there, right or not right?   Time is all you have OP unless  you have some dread disease that takes you first.   Why not be thankful for what you had and *be still* for some time now BY  YOURSELF with your 7 cats (I would have been gone long time ago) -- not a cat fancier, maybe one but 7....ummmmm

Get into *meditation* to help bring up your mood and your depression as I see it is *Situational.*..maybe you need your thyroid supported along the way but try to be thankful that you don't have a dread disease....

Get out in the fresh air, walk, in time meet new people in groups .... there is a lot to life than just 1 person for 16 yrs.

And box wine is not your answer, good clean water and maybe a glass of wine here and there.

Sorry to hear of your stuff, but many are alone in this life.


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## Prismatic (Apr 22, 2019)

*Just sympathizing.*



> I have no one to talk to. People seem like some combination of superficial, oblivious, and controlling. I'm too old to put up with people. I can't be a happy go lucky absurdist anymore. I'm stuck in hard cold reality by myself.



I've had two serious episodes of depression—one after divorce and one after unfairly losing a job—but everyone's circumstances and resources differ and I wouldn't try to offer advice. I guess I had what they call _situational depression_ and that is not the worst because situations can change. When your are really depressed nothing much helps, but I found some relief in exercise and in music. Reading too has always been a help to me. 

The most annoying thing for me was people saying "snap out of it." That is just exactly what I could not do.


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## Keesha (Apr 22, 2019)

Prismatic said:


> The most annoying thing for me was people saying "snap out of it." That is just exactly what I could not do.


Most people can’t relate to true clinical depression unless they have experienced it.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Apr 22, 2019)

Keesha said:


> Most people can’t relate to true clinical depression unless they have experienced it.



All too true. And people who "remind" you that there are others who are worse off or who tell you to "get a hold on yourself" or "snap out of it"  or "quit feeling sorry for yourself" are people you need to close your ears to. They don't know whereof they speak.


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## Keesha (Apr 22, 2019)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> All too true. And people who "remind" you that there are others who are worse off or who tell you to "get a hold on yourself" or "snap out of it"  or "quit feeling sorry for yourself" are people you need to close your ears to. They don't know whereof they speak.



I agree. There’s nothing like not being able to function whatsoever and have others suggest that you are just weak or have a character defect.


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## jaminhealth (Apr 22, 2019)

The OP's depression comes across as Situational.  I went thru a divorce and that was Situational and in time I healed and healed and healed.  Life goes on and we make things work.

Then in 1991 I was in a 10 yr depression and it was Clinical and it was a Sluggish thyroid....10 yrs of Anti Depressants and it was thyroid.

I'll never tell anyone to snap out of it.  We get over our issues in our time ....


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## Keesha (Apr 23, 2019)

At a quick glance the OP seems to be struggling through a depression due to the deterioration of his marriage which would make it situational and in the normal range of depression which everyone goes through. It’s just part of life. 
To make things worse it appears like he drank a box of wine which exaggerates current moods and is a depressant so perhaps felt much worse.

My following posts were written for the benefit of ANYONE going through a depression that’s turned from normal depression into a clinical one which IS a serious disorder that affects both men and women. Unfortunately in our society it’s still not ok to show these types of emotions; especially not for men. Women often comfort each other to a certain point whereas men attack men who display these types of behaviour. I understand the ‘man up’ thing. I just think it’s an incredible amount of external pressure placed that could either push a severely depressed man over the edge. 

I offer support for anyone suffering from severe clinical depression.


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## Victor (Apr 24, 2019)

Right. So many people will tell you that others have it worse, or this is common
or look on the bright side. They are clueless, out of touch, twits.
They act like they care but they know nothing.


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## RadishRose (Apr 24, 2019)

> Right. So many people will tell you that others have it worse, or this is common
> or look on the bright side. They are clueless, out of touch, twits.
> They act like they care but they know nothing.



Victor and All, my thought is they are not "twits" but agree (as others have explained), many people really are "clueless".

They just don't know; they can't. But a lot of these people are trying to help, do care and are trying to give you a better perspective. Some even get snappish about it because they are frustrated for you.

There may be more caring out here for you than you may realize, is all I'm saying.


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## norman (Apr 24, 2019)

This site is better than an hour session with my psychoanalyst.  I read every post, all 44 of 44 and my spirit has been lifted.  My psychoanalyst is the Thunderbird Bar.  I lift my spirits with either hand.  Cheer up our friend, nothing is forever.


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## jaminhealth (Apr 24, 2019)

So OFTEN the thyroid is missed by the MD's and I know that I went 10 yrs trying to get what I believed a sluggish thyroid supported, but  no I was just their numbers and doweled out anti depressant drugs.  Once I got to the right doctor and he knew about the thyroid, I was better in 4 days,,,,that was in 2002 and never depression since..thanks to desiccated thyroid support, food for the thyroid.


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## Falcon (Apr 24, 2019)

Some folks  just  LOVE  to be  miserable.


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## jaminhealth (Apr 24, 2019)

Falcon said:


> Some folks  just  LOVE  to be  miserable.



I don't believe that people LOVE misery...misery may love company but we'll just disagree on your comment.

I believe MANY have gone and are going thru life and not evolving to a well balanced being.  So many too medicate themselves with drugs and alcohol and I've seen so many in the AA rooms talk about their New Lives since they are sober and found spirituality....sharing their experiences on "smelling the roses"...  My dad missed that in his 95 yr life.


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## Granny Maggie (Apr 24, 2019)

After reading the original posters post I do feel that if they feel depressed than that must be weighing heavy on them no matter what the circumstances are that brought the depression. The thing is though there are obviously many other much better ways to handle this than going onto a forum and making a post about it in my opinion. I would say the majority of us here are not clinically trained and although we are willing to lend an ear and comment there are many more qualified professionals that could help this person out with their depression. It seemed like the depression was an issue enough that it was bothering them enough in there daily life. That to me is warranted more than just making a post on a forum about it.


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## jaminhealth (Apr 24, 2019)

Granny, I'm on another health forum and they have a large Psychology group and people post there for some "support and insights" and get both.  I did a little talk therapy many yrs ago and then did a lot of reading in some wonderful spiritual reading books and got a lot from Science of Mind teachings....all that for my own life...everyone has issues and it's good to put it out there sometimes and read what others have to offer.  

There is the saying, about hanging one's clothes on lines and when we see other's issues, we will take our own clothes.  Something like that.


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## treeguy64 (Apr 24, 2019)

I do know two guys, brothers, who wallow in their depression. Both live like hermits, one disgustingly unkempt. They do not live together, do not see each other. One is three years older than the other. Both have been in therapy for over thirty years. Think it helps?  As I see it, they have to pay people to listen to them drone on and on about their miserable lives. I could only tolerate a few minutes of conversation with either one, and only because both were childhood friends. The filthy one goes on and on about what a genius he is, and what a great artist he is. He paints excellent still life pieces, but that's it.  Neither one is open to any suggestions about getting out and about, getting a pet, developing new hobbies, etc. Yeah, I believe some people actually do choose to be miserable. They are afraid of becoming fully functioning members of society, afraid that people will see their (real or imagined) faults. We do have a self-proclaimed psychologist in here, at times, but I haven't seen her around in about six months. If she shows up she will, quite predictably, go on about the errors in my post, so stand by. Shally?  (Right off the bat, I know that the brothers, as above, give support to the idea that depression may have a genetic component. I know how these guys were raised, though, and that predisposed them to being depressed, in their lives, as I see it.)


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## Lara (Apr 24, 2019)

Seriously, eat your greens, fresh salmon(or Omega 3), take vitamin B-12, and either get some sun or take vitamin D. Voilá


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## Falcon (Apr 24, 2019)

Nihil,   What   do   your  7  cats  have to  do with this ?  You sound  like  a little  boy.


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## RadishRose (Apr 24, 2019)

Lara said:


> take vitamin D. *Voilá*



Voila'? I thought you said Vodka!


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## jaminhealth (Apr 24, 2019)

In my opinion, my comments I thought were helpful.   We all go thru losses and having a 16 yr relationship is something to be thankful for...I believe I said something to that effect.  If poster doesn't "get that" well, they have to go thru their time ..


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## jaminhealth (Apr 24, 2019)

treeguy64 said:


> I do know two guys, brothers, who wallow in their depression. Both live like hermits, one disgustingly unkempt. They do not live together, do not see each other. One is three years older than the other. Both have been in therapy for over thirty years. Think it helps?  As I see it, they have to pay people to listen to them drone on and on about their miserable lives. I could only tolerate a few minutes of conversation with either one, and only because both were childhood friends. The filthy one goes on and on about what a genius he is, and what a great artist he is. He paints excellent still life pieces, but that's it.  Neither one is open to any suggestions about getting out and about, getting a pet, developing new hobbies, etc. Yeah, I believe some people actually do choose to be miserable. They are afraid of becoming fully functioning members of society, afraid that people will see their (real or imagined) faults. We do have a self-proclaimed psychologist in here, at times, but I haven't seen her around in about six months. If she shows up she will, quite predictably, go on about the errors in my post, so stand by. Shally?  (Right off the bat, I know that the brothers, as above, give support to the idea that depression may have a genetic component. I know how these guys were raised, though, and that predisposed them to being depressed, in their lives, as I see it.)



And then there are the fortunate ones who can find contentment sitting in a swing on their porch and listening to the birds and seeing nature - this was my mom.  She came into this world with very little and appreciated so much...


----------



## Keesha (Apr 24, 2019)

treeguy64 said:


> I do know two guys, brothers, who wallow in their depression. Both live like hermits, one disgustingly unkempt. They do not live together, do not see each other. One is three years older than the other. Both have been in therapy for over thirty years. Think it helps?  As I see it, they have to pay people to listen to them drone on and on about their miserable lives. I could only tolerate a few minutes of conversation with either one, and only because both were childhood friends. The filthy one goes on and on about what a genius he is, and what a great artist he is. He paints excellent still life pieces, but that's it.  Neither one is open to any suggestions about getting out and about, getting a pet, developing new hobbies, etc. Yeah, I believe some people actually do choose to be miserable. They are afraid of becoming fully functioning members of society, afraid that people will see their (real or imagined) faults. We do have a self-proclaimed psychologist in here, at times, but I haven't seen her around in about six months. If she shows up she will, quite predictably, go on about the errors in my post, so stand by. Shally?  (Right off the bat, I know that the brothers, as above, give support to the idea that depression may have a genetic component. I know how these guys were raised, though, and that predisposed them to being depressed, in their lives, as I see it.)


Apparently depression can have a genetic component that can be passed down and make us more predisposed to depression. I think people also adopt behaviour to cope with their depression, like withdrawing from society and not caring what others think.  This can become their norm so inadvertently create their own depression without quite understanding it. 

Self awareness is something healthy mental functioning people have. There are many people in the world like this and it’s sad. Some people are just plain lazy and there is nothing you can do for somebody who refuses help. 

Some people get stuck in victim mode and stay there cause it’s easier. Having a conversation with these people is exhausting. 
Bad things are always happening to them and they never take any responsibility for their unhealthy attitude. It’s a consistent blame game of ‘woe is me.’


----------



## Ruthanne (Apr 24, 2019)

Sorry I made a post making light of the subject when it is nothing to laugh about.  Sometimes we do that.  So sorry.


----------



## CeeCee (Apr 24, 2019)

Ruthanne said:


> Sorry I made a post making light of the subject when it is nothing to laugh about.  Sometimes we do that.  So sorry.



There’s nothing wrong with a little humor...sometimes it even helps.

What I can’t stand are the ones that tell ya to get over it or they don’t get depressed as if you had a choice.


----------



## Lara (Apr 24, 2019)

RadishRose said:


> Voila'? I thought you said Vodka!


:thumbsup: Ha! You nut...a FUN nut!


----------



## norman (Apr 24, 2019)

Being deepy depressed is serious, you might consider going to your family doctor and explain that you had just ended a long time relationship and need help.  He will probably order you a mild anti depressant that will help you.    It is no shame to ask for help when you are depressed and can't pull out of it.  Life is to short to be sad.      





Nihil said:


> My now ex girlfriend told me last night that whenever I touched her, she felt violated. I too have felt this way about other women. She's been giving me the cold shoulder for a longtime. Her interactions with me have been obviously disingenuous. She didn't appreciate my abilities and interests. She would only do something with me if it's what she wanted to do. I didn't appreciate her interests and abilities either. A while back, I let her know that I pretended to enjoy doing the things she likes, but she wouldn't do the same for me. That made her uncomfortable. We were together 16 years. Her daughter graduated high school, so I guess we're no longer staying together for the child.
> 
> 
> I have no one to talk to. People seem like some combination of superficial, oblivious, and controlling. I'm too old to put up with people. I can't be a happy go lucky absurdist anymore. I'm stuck in hard cold reality by myself.


----------



## Victor (Apr 26, 2019)

There is some scientific evidence that shows that serious depression is predisposed inherited
but that it is not definite or certain for everyone. Sometimes there's not much others can say to
you except the usual advice.  But the OP and others may be too depressed to walk or eat or listen
to music. You can bring yourself down talking about it too much and who will listen? I rarely get
phone calls and when I call a friend, he usually doesn't answer or call back soon.


----------



## Nihil (Apr 26, 2019)

Keesha said:


> I think people also adopt behaviour to cope with their depression, like withdrawing from society and not caring what others think.  This can become their norm so inadvertently create their own depression without quite understanding it.



I cope with society by staying outside of it. I've noticed that people hold onto sentiments they want to hear. I notice there are even people selling these words to them. Many want confirmation that they live in a magical show starring them. Some want to sell the illusion of a fantasy world. 

People get confused and angry with me because I don't buy into fads. They think I'm either ignorant or stupid. In their eyes, conformity is an easy requirement.Conformity provides the comforting feelings people want to have.

Until the USA becomes North Korea, I'll remain outside society. I just have to dodge media and peer pressure. I've been sentenced to frustration and loneliness. If the government ever threatens me with torture, I will become a model citizen.


----------



## AZ Jim (Apr 26, 2019)

Nihil said:


> I cope with society by staying outside of it. I've notice that people hold onto sentiments they want to hear. I notice there are even people selling these words to them. Many want confirmation that they live in a magical show starring them. Some want sell the illusion of a fantasy world.
> 
> 
> People get confused and angry with me because I don't buy into fads. They think I'm either ignorant or stupid. In their eyes, conformity is an easy requirement.Conformity provides the comforting feelings people want to have.
> ...


I'm unsure of your message but I wish you well.  I hope you're feeling better...


----------



## jaminhealth (Apr 26, 2019)

Nihil said:


> I cope with society by staying outside of it. I've notice that people hold onto sentiments they want to hear. I notice there are even people selling these words to them. Many want confirmation that they live in a magical show starring them. Some want sell the illusion of a fantasy world.
> 
> 
> People get confused and angry with me because I don't buy into fads. They think I'm either ignorant or stupid. In their eyes, conformity is an easy requirement.Conformity provides the comforting feelings people want to have.
> ...



So were you expecting the 16 yr relationship to be the answer to your life's story?   Expecting that from another person is a heavy expectation on the other.  Too much GOOD life out there.


----------



## Nihil (Apr 26, 2019)

jaminhealth said:


> So were you expecting the 16 yr relationship to be the answer to your life's story?   Expecting that from another person is a heavy expectation on the other.  Too much GOOD life out there.



We've got a lot invested in each other's happiness, so we're awkwardly working things out. The plot twist is that my daughter is totally torqued, as she had other plans for her mother.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 26, 2019)

Nihil,

You are a prime example of what I was talking about and so am I. For whatever reasons, we don’t interact with mainstream society the same. 


You bring up the same feelings I have towards professional help in that you are paying someone to say the things you want to hear but a good counsellor won’t do that. A good counsellor is a trained professional who listens to what you have to say as an unbiased listener/observer and repeats what you’ve stated back to you so that you might better understand it. 


Sometimes we can get stuck in perpetual bad habits that keep us locked into an unhealthy mind set. Since we have no people around to give us feedback we don’t realize how out of norm we are to mainstream society but they will definitely let us know in a heartbeat. 


Society likes conformity because it’s predictable. People who abide to their faith, or social structure do so for many reasons but I would think it’s mainly to keep the pack they have predictably civil. If everyone follows suite on the fundamentals of socializing then it’s easier to have some more control  over the people and while we are human beings we still carry basic characteristics of pack animals. 


People don’t really get me either but who truly gets anyone? That’s why there’s a thread about it here on the site. “Do people really understand who you are?” Most people answered no and that they don’t expect people to either.


One of the negative things about depression is that you have too much time to think about things. Like Victor mentioned and I fully agree with him, sometimes talking about it or trying to dissect your emotional struggle can add to the depression but I certainly can empathize. 


Depression is without a doubt ,a narcissistic disorder and it’s sometimes really difficult to get out of this type of mindset without a good distraction which could be what brought you here. It’s a great distraction but the only problem with people who have been on their own for a long time is that they have been socially spoiled. 


They eat when they want. 
Sleep when they want.
Go outside when they want or don’t go outside at all if they don’t want to. 
Socialize with others when they want or don’t socialize at all. 


Depression and other mental disorders go hand on hand. We each have our own ways of dealing with it . Hibernating from the world is certainly an option but it has it consequences.


----------



## Nihil (Apr 26, 2019)

Keesha,

Paying someone to listen is a bummer. That's what friends used to be for. Perhaps friendship has become a commodity. I was just telling an old friend that he should ask his friend if he likes who he's becoming before he gets socked in the jaw. A friendly reminder is always better than a punch in the face.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 26, 2019)

Yes but how many friends do you have that will sit directly across from you and honestly help you?
They have their own lives, their own worries and concerns. Since society is conditioned to be nice then the chance of actually getting honest feedback is slim to none. That’s not to say there aren’t some great friendships out there, as I’m sure there are but they can’t be expected to help and even if they do , there is only so much they can do. Additionally as a friend most people don’t wish to burden the friend with their troubles. Even if they did console us at the time it’s more of a bandaid.


----------



## Nihil (Apr 26, 2019)

Keesha said:


> Yes but how many friends do you have that will sit directly across from you and honestly help you?
> They have their own lives, their own worries and concerns. Since society is conditioned to be nice then the chance of actually getting honest feedback is slim to none. That’s not to say there aren’t some great friendships out there, as I’m sure there are but they can’t be expected to help and even if they do , there is only so much they can do. Additionally as a friend most people don’t wish to burden the friend with their troubles. Even if they did console us at the time it’s more of a bandaid.



I understand that society is completely backwards and counterproductive. I'm pretty sure some wealthy and influential people like it this way.


----------



## Victor (Apr 26, 2019)

Nihil,
      your screen name signifies*  Nothing *or meaninglessness. Don't know  how to respond.
I am not a nihilist, are you?  It's a untenable philosophy that I am familiar with. It is easy having opinions
but not easy finding facts and  strong evidence for them.

Yes paying someone for therapy may be a bummer but the alternative is no one.
I do not recommend using your friends this way.
If he or she helps you and is worth the time and money then be glad for it. 

.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 26, 2019)

Nihilist -a person who rejects all religious and moral principles. 


If what we believe is projected onto others, it’s no wonder you have a difficult time with society
note: I didn’t mean that to sound judgmental. Just factual


----------



## Lara (Apr 26, 2019)

Nihil said:
			
		

> My now ex girlfriend told me last night that whenever...


Nihil is short for Nihilist? But you said you had a girlfriend in your opening post. That would mean you believe in love. Nihilists believe everything is meaningless. I think your first step on the road to recovery is to acknowledge that you are not a Nihilist because your life does in fact have meaning...proof being, you believe in love.

Whether or not you and your girlfriend are splitting up has nothing to do with the fact that you believe in love. You love people...not all but some. You probably love dogs or cats. You're capable of love. Own it. Focus on it. Nurture it. Enjoy the feel of it. Then reach out and show your love...because that feels even better.

I don't know if you're into drugs, alcohol, or violent games/movies/tv but if so, I would suggest removing yourself from that as it will rob you of all feeling. It will steal that pleasure from you. It will win. Don't let it win.


----------



## AZ Jim (Apr 26, 2019)

It's all too much for me.  I'll stick with folks who have a stake in life.


----------



## jaminhealth (Apr 26, 2019)

In my book of life, *Giving *says so much about a person.  To me that is* Love*..

It's just mind boggling some of the usernames out there.  So many are so negative and really bring the user down.


----------



## hollydolly (Apr 26, 2019)

treeguy64 said:


> I do know two guys, brothers, who wallow in their depression. Both live like hermits, one disgustingly unkempt. They do not live together, do not see each other. One is three years older than the other. Both have been in therapy for over thirty years. Think it helps?  As I see it, they have to pay people to listen to them drone on and on about their miserable lives. I could only tolerate a few minutes of conversation with either one, and only because both were childhood friends. The filthy one goes on and on about what a genius he is, and what a great artist he is. He paints excellent still life pieces, but that's it.  Neither one is open to any suggestions about getting out and about, getting a pet, developing new hobbies, etc. Yeah, I believe some people actually do choose to be miserable. They are afraid of becoming fully functioning members of society, afraid that people will see their (real or imagined) faults. *We do have a self-proclaimed psychologist in here, at times, but I haven't seen her around in about six months. If she shows up she will, quite predictably, go on about the errors in my post, so stand by. Shally?*  (Right off the bat, I know that the brothers, as above, give support to the idea that depression may have a genetic component. I know how these guys were raised, though, and that predisposed them to being depressed, in their lives, as I see it.)



_If you're referring to Shalimar, she's already posted on this thread.... post 24 _


----------



## Keesha (Apr 26, 2019)

She posted a couple of times and yes she has a doctorate in psychology.


----------



## chic (Apr 26, 2019)

Has anyone noticed Nihil hasn't been around and answering anymore? I hope he's all right.  Losing a close relationship is such a bummer. Especially for seniors.


----------



## C'est Moi (Apr 26, 2019)

He posted a few times a couple of hours ago.


----------



## Nihil (Apr 26, 2019)

Victor said:


> Nihil,
> your screen name signifies*  Nothing *or meaninglessness. Don't know  how to respond.
> I am not a nihilist, are you?  It's a untenable philosophy that I am familiar with. It is easy having opinions
> but not easy finding facts and  strong evidence for them.
> ...



Wow Victor, we wouldn't get a long at all. lol


----------



## Nihil (Apr 26, 2019)

Keesha said:


> Nihilist -a person who rejects all religious and moral principles.
> 
> 
> If what we believe is projected onto others, it’s no wonder you have a difficult time with society
> note: I didn’t mean that to sound judgmental. Just factual



lol. By your kind words, I'm sure you have no idea what goes on in my head.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 26, 2019)

chic said:


> Has anyone noticed Nihil hasn't been around and answering anymore? I hope he's all right.  Losing a close relationship is such a bummer. Especially for seniors.


Nihil has been around quite a bit. He posted in the thread today. We chatted back and forth. He also posted in Aneeda’s thread about God(s).


----------



## Keesha (Apr 26, 2019)

Nihil said:


> lol. By your kind words, I'm sure you have no idea what goes on in my head.


:lofl: That’s why I added that it wasn’t a judgment. 
Surely you can see the irony. Your not a stupid man.


----------



## Nihil (Apr 26, 2019)

Lara said:


> Nihil is short for Nihilist? But you said you had a girlfriend in your opening post. That would mean you believe in love. Nihilists believe everything is meaningless. I think your first step on the road to recovery is to acknowledge that you are not a Nihilist because your life does in fact have meaning...proof being, you believe in love.
> 
> Whether or not you and your girlfriend are splitting up has nothing to do with the fact that you believe in love. You love people...not all but some. You probably love dogs or cats. You're capable of love. Own it. Focus on it. Nurture it. Enjoy the feel of it. Then reach out and show your love...because that feels even better.
> 
> I don't know if you're into drugs, alcohol, or violent games/movies/tv but if so, I would suggest removing yourself from that as it will rob you of all feeling. It will steal that pleasure from you. It will win. Don't let it win.



Don't worry, I'm a hedonist. If something is causing pain at some point, I recognize it as a bad influence. I spend my time designing and creating arts and crafts.


----------



## Nihil (Apr 26, 2019)

Keesha said:


> :lofl: That’s why I added that it wasn’t a judgment.
> Surely you can see the irony. Your not a stupid man.



You're an idiot. Just kidding.



Does the "just kidding" help?


----------



## Keesha (Apr 26, 2019)

Nihil said:


> lol. By your kind words, I'm sure you have no idea what goes on in my head.


And yes I do have an idea what’s going on in your head because you’ve shared your thoughts and feelings with us. 
I’m not that different from you.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 26, 2019)

Nihil said:


> You're an idiot. Just kidding.
> 
> 
> 
> Does the "just kidding" help?


That’s isn’t at all what I said or even hinted at 
but I understand your insecurity.


----------



## Nihil (Apr 26, 2019)

Keesha said:


> And yes I do have an idea what’s going on in your head because you’ve shared your thoughts and feelings with us.
> I’m not that different from you.



Then you understand perfectly why I examine society and plan my course around it. You see how society is a horrible game. The only solution I've come up with is to build a self sufficient community and try to attract realistic minds.


----------



## Nihil (Apr 26, 2019)

Keesha said:


> That’s isn’t at all what I said or even hinted at
> but I understand your insecurity.



I'm glad you understand how insecure I am. It's as if I didn't have a grasp on reality, bought a lie, and then was shown I'd bought a lie.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 26, 2019)

Nihil
I wouldn’t have put all this time and effort into trying to help you if I thought you were an idiot but that’s ok. I’ll leave it alone.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 26, 2019)

My husband often has to remind me that most people are scared and insecure at times. 
They are just better at hiding it 
You aren’t that different


----------



## Nihil (Apr 26, 2019)

Keesha said:


> My husband often has to remind me that most people are scared and insecure at times.
> They are just better at hiding it
> You aren’t that different



Yes ma'am, I'll drink my orange juice. How much for a cup?


----------



## Nihil (Apr 26, 2019)

I'm through posting in this thread.


----------



## CindyLouWho (Apr 26, 2019)

I thought this thread was about reaching out due to depression. 
So many nice people here on the forum responding, trying to give feedback and suggestions to help. 
Being argumentative and difficult.will get you nowhere quick...might as well close this thread since it's been sidetracked....


----------



## jaminhealth (Apr 26, 2019)

Everyone goes thru ups and downs, clinical depression and some reach out like here...I chose to talk one on one to MFC therapist many yrs ago, and then I've joined support groups in person on and on but this is not what OP chooses for his life from what I can gather.   Talking to a boatload of strangers on the internet, to me, is not one bit of help.  At least in groups that are one on one, there are hugs and hands held sometimes etc etc...but on these monitors,. cold cold cold.   No one really gets to know anyone.

No matter what is put out there to the universe the person(s) involved will do what they have to do and figure it out as best they can  and what resources they choose.    There is no skipping around it, one has to go thru "IT"...


----------



## Keesha (Apr 26, 2019)

No it’s not, especially if you reject every bit of attempted help.


----------



## Pepper (Apr 26, 2019)

CindyLouWho said:


> I thought this thread was about reaching out due to depression.
> So many nice people here on the forum responding, trying to give feedback and suggestions to help.
> Being argumentative and difficult.will get you nowhere quick...might as well close this thread since it's been sidetracked....



One of the major symptoms of clinical depression is irritability.


----------



## CindyLouWho (Apr 26, 2019)

Pepper said:


> One of the major symptoms of clinical depression is irritability.


Yes, Pepper, I agree with that, I just think there is more to the story going on here, than that, that's all.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 26, 2019)

CindyLouWho said:


> Yes, Pepper, I agree with that, I just think there is more to the story going on here, than that, that's all.


I agree.


----------



## Gary O' (Apr 26, 2019)

Pepper said:


> One of the major symptoms of clinical depression is irritability.



Irritable, sh*t

Argumentative, more like it

And, in my very limited but very direct experience, the depressed folks I’ve been around don’t even have the gumption to argue

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and wager Nihil is feeling much much better.

And I’m glad to see that

Betcha he created some cool stuff in the last few days
It’s what happens to artists
Get low, sleep for days, get up…..freaking create

I’m ready for the next caller

Lines are open


----------



## SeaBreeze (Apr 26, 2019)

We all go through periods of time in life where we're down in the dumps, in a slump, seems everything is going wrong.  We can honestly say during those times that 'this is depressing', or 'I'm really depressed', that's natural and normal, in my opinion.  Life has its ups and downs, we ride out the downs until things get better, and celebrate the positives. 

 Sometimes I look at the 'big picture' and it puts my problems in perspective.  I think of children born with crippling diseases that never live a day in their life without pain and dependence on others for the simplest things.  I think of those who have spent their lives lacking vision, or those who have an accident that makes them paralyzed and puts them in a wheelchair.  I realize then how lucky I am and how my problems aren't as grave as I was making them.

I think Nihil has been involved in a bumpy relationship for awhile, and now things just came to a head with the separation.  It may prove to be a blessing in disguise, only time will tell.  IMO, he's just sharing this with us to get it off his chest and maybe get some constructive input from us, am I'm glad he did.

  Even though I already gave my thoughts on this earlier, I don't expect Nihil to take all advice and I don't think it's reasonable to assume that we know everything he's thinking or feeling just be reading a few sentences he wrote trying to describe why he's depressed right now.

In no way do I think he should run out to a 'therapist' or get a prescription for pills that may do more harm than good.  

Nihil, it's understandable why you're feeling down right now, sixteen years was a long time even if it wasn't perfect, and now it's over.  Maybe you guys will get back together and be more open with each other to improve on your relationship.  Maybe you both agree it's not worth saving.  Perhaps even if you separate for good, you can still be friends.

  In any regard, I do wish the best for you.  I suggest you try to do something you enjoy, try to stay positive and distract yourself by getting involved with a new interest or hobby.  Don't stop looking to the future, just because it's gloomy today.  Good luck and take care of yourself.


----------



## C'est Moi (Apr 26, 2019)

Nihil said:


> *We've got a lot invested in each other's happiness, so we're awkwardly working things out. *The plot twist is that my daughter is totally torqued, as she had other plans for her mother.



People seem to have missed this update.   I hope things work out for you.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 27, 2019)

C'est Moi said:


> People seem to have missed this update.   I hope things work out for you.



I did and yes Nihil , I’m an idiot.
https://thoughtcatalog.com/mei-mei/...aling-with-those-who-are-emotionally-damaged/


----------



## SeaBreeze (Apr 27, 2019)

Nihil said:


> We've got a lot invested in each other's happiness, so we're awkwardly working things out. The plot twist is that my daughter is totally torqued, as she had other plans for her mother.



I apologize Nihil for not seeing this post earlier, I did mention that you guys may try to work things out in my last reply.  Happy to hear that it's happening already, and I wish the best for you.  Hopefully your daughter doesn't interfere with your relationship and supports both of you instead.



C'est Moi said:


> People seem to have missed this update.   I hope things work out for you.



Thank you C'est Moi, I absolutely missed it, seems to have gotten lost here.


----------



## Shalimar (Apr 27, 2019)

In case anyone has concerns, therapists are not permitted to dispense scrips for drugs. Psychiatrists and MD’s are the only ones who can.


----------



## oldman (Apr 27, 2019)

SeaBreeze said:


> We all go through periods of time in life where we're down in the dumps, in a slump, seems everything is going wrong.  We can honestly say during those times that 'this is depressing', or 'I'm really depressed', that's natural and normal, in my opinion.  Life has its ups and downs, we ride out the downs until things get better, and celebrate the positives.
> 
> Sometimes I look at the 'big picture' and it puts my problems in perspective.  I think of children born with crippling diseases that never live a day in their life without pain and dependence on others for the simplest things.  I think of those who have spent their lives lacking vision, or those who have an accident that makes them paralyzed and puts them in a wheelchair.  I realize then how lucky I am and how my problems aren't as grave as I was making them.
> 
> ...




I just found out yesterday that my boyhood’s best friend from the time we were 5 until we were 18, died the day before from throat cancer. The news really floored me and I have been incredibly sad, not depressed, just sad ever since. I spent some time reflecting back to our years  and life together and it just made me even sadder. I will deal with this because I know as time moves on, I will feel a little better each day, but for now, I just need some time to mourn this loss. 

As I see it, the difference between being sad and being depressed is that being sad can be applied to a single event in one’s life, but being depressed is generally applied to one’s life and everything in it. Right or wrong, it’s what works for me.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Apr 27, 2019)

oldman said:


> I just found out yesterday that my boyhood’s best friend from the time we were 5 until we were 18, died the day before from throat cancer. The news really floored me and I have been incredibly sad, not depressed, just sad ever since. I spent some time reflecting back to our years  and life together and it just made me even sadder. I will deal with this because I know as time moves on, I will feel a little better each day, but for now, I just need some time to mourn this loss.
> 
> *As I see it, the difference between being sad and being depressed is that being sad can be applied to a single event in one’s life, but being depressed is generally applied to one’s life and everything in it.* Right or wrong, it’s what works for me.



Oldman, my sympathy for your loss, rest in peace for your friend.  I agree with what you said about being sad and depressed.


----------



## RadishRose (Apr 27, 2019)

Oldman, I am sorry for this loss.  As you know, grief is a normal reaction and a process. May your mourning lift quickly.  :love_heart:


----------



## oldman (Apr 27, 2019)

SeaBreeze said:


> Oldman, my sympathy for your loss, rest in peace for your friend.  I agree with what you said about being sad and depressed.



Thanks, SeaBreeze. Just wanted to add that I was told that my friend was ill about 2 months ago, but not to what extent. Now, I have some guilt feelings because I did not at least call. When we graduated, he enlisted in the Army and I went to college. Then, when he came home, I went into the Marines. He was in Vietnam and so was I. Supposedly, his throat cancer came from Agent Orange. His job was to carry the phone for his Colonel, so he never saw combat, although he was in a combat zone. I was in an Infantry Battalion before being switched to Recon. We shared a lot of stories a few years later at a class reunion, but then we became distant to one another. It just happens sometimes, I guess.

Sorry to go off subject, but it helps to talk about the loss that I feel.


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## oldman (Apr 27, 2019)

Thanks to all for the condolences. My mom once told me that she was tired of burying her friends. I guess this is an issue that we all have to deal with as we grow older.


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## Nihil (Apr 29, 2019)

I've decided that it's best if my ex and I are just roommates. She's put conditions on her love for me, and I'm not going to do conditional love. We're both through with ****** intimacy in general, so that won't be a problem. I can watch Call the Midwife with her and discuss how we interpret the episodes. I always go pretty deep, as the writing and directing are amazing. Other than that show, we don't have much in common. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not to participate in her social activities.

I have no problem being intimate with cats, but humans are a dangerous species in my eyes. As much as I see optimism as irresponsible, I still have hope that I will be able to be intimate with people someday. It must be a biological drive.


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## SeaBreeze (Apr 29, 2019)

Nihil said:


> I've decided that it's best if my ex and I are just roommates. She's put conditions on her love for me, and I'm not going to do conditional love. We're both through with ****** intimacy in general, so that won't be a problem. I can watch Call the Midwife with her and discuss how we interpret the episodes. I always go pretty deep, as the writing and directing are amazing. Other than that show, we don't have much in common. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not to participate in her social activities.
> 
> I have no problem being intimate with cats, but humans are a dangerous species in my eyes. As much as I see optimism as irresponsible, I still have hope that I will be able to be intimate with people someday. It must be a biological drive.



That sounds like a good arrangement for you two at this point Nihil, you can have each other for companionship when desired, and put intimate relations on the back burner.  Also, it's better if you don't force yourself to participate in her social activities if you're unhappy or uncomfortable doing it. 

 I hope this works well for the both of you.  I'm lucky enough to be in a happy long term marriage, but I know what you mean about humans, I often say that I like animals more than people.  But, I do believe that someday you'll meet someone unexpectedly and the two of you will 'click', a friendship may start, your interests may be more aligned and it may bloom into special relationship.  Never give up, you deserve happiness in your life, right now things sound doable for you...I'm happy for you, hang in there.


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## Nihil (Apr 29, 2019)

To be fair, my love turned out to be conditional as well. I was an absurdist when I met my Gf through a mutual friend. I was used to existing as a likable outsider. I was hoping I might ride out my absurdist personality with my GF while giving her insight into my actual thinking. This has just confused her and frustrated me. I was really looking for another absurdist. Now that I can’t pretend to be someone else in order to coexist with humanity, I just appear as a misanthrope to her. I needed her to see humanity they way I see it. That’s not fair to her.


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## C'est Moi (Apr 29, 2019)

Nihil said:


> To be fair, my love turned out to be conditional as well. I was an absurdist when I met my Gf through a mutual friend. I was used to existing as a likable outsider. I was hoping I might ride out my absurdist personality with my GF while giving her insight into my actual thinking. This has just confused her and frustrated me. I was really looking for another absurdist. Now that I can’t pretend to be someone else in order to coexist with humanity, I just appear as a misanthrope to her. I needed her to see humanity they way I see it. That’s not fair to her.



I'm not sure what all that means, but the best plan is to be yourself with people.   Then they will know YOU, and there won't be any surprises.   If there is true love, it's "warts and all" as far as I'm concerned.


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## treeguy64 (Apr 29, 2019)

I think it's a bad idea to live as roommates, if you're wanting to find a new relationship. I tried that, once, with a former gf, and it was very strange, when women I brought home kept asking me about my roommate. Most were not cool with having her around, once they knew our past. If you can make it work, more power to you, but even though I know attitudes have changed, in the last thirty years, I still think you're going to run into problems. If I met a woman I became interested in, and she was living with her ex, I'd be gone, like a cool breeze!


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## Pepper (Apr 29, 2019)

My two cents:
Call the Midwife is a great show.


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