# Is it a good idea for my son and I to move in with my cousin?



## WheatenLover (Jun 4, 2022)

I'd like to get some opinions on this, as I've probably not thought of everything.

My cousin lives alone in a tiny town in Massachusetts, about 1.5 hours from Boston. He is confined to a wheelchair because he has multiple sclerosis. He is a widower, and we are the same age. Both of our mothers, through whom we are related, were German immigrants to the US. He is a good guy - former fire chief, president of school board, former teacher. He is one of my most admired people because of how he is handling the adverse events in his life.

I suspect he is very lonely, and I feel very sad about that.

He said that my dog and my adult son (who lives with me) are both welcome. My son thinks this is a great plan. Cousin said his maid will come right before we arrive, so that I (voluntarily) can keep the house clean. That is no problem, and my son will help. My cousin needs some help, and my son is willing to do that if he is not at work. College tuition is a lot cheaper in Mass than in PA, so my son can go to school there.

We are familiar with the town my cousin lives in, since I lived in Mass for 20 years.

My cousin has a huge barn filled with antiques from his deceased wife's shop. He wants my son to sell them all, and he will pay my son a 30% commission for doing so.

My cousin has two Australian Shepherds and a fenced area for the dogs to go out, so that will thrill my dog, Aidan.

He has a 2-story house, and bedrooms and a bathroom are on the second floor -- he can't go up there.

We would take my cousin to run errands - his truck is outfitted for his wheelchair. I will do the cooking. We will take our cousin out to eat, or anywhere he wants to go.

My son will help my cousin when his aides don't show up. The only thing is that I will not help him with anything that requires strength (don't have any to speak of yet), and or anything that requires seeing him undressed. I just can't do that. Or won't. I guess if it were an emergency, I'd have to.

My cousin will not charge us rent. He's just thrilled that we may move there -- he's been suggesting that for months.

I am worried about what happens to us if he dies. His daughter refuses to have contact with him, and she is inheriting the house. My son says we can save money simply because we won't have to pay rent, and that we will just move.

Mass has good social services, so I am not worried about the quality of medical care or about getting insurance. 

The big drawback is that this will leave my husband all alone, with no friends. He doesn't like people except those in our immediate family, and he despises my cousin. I don't see my husband very much (we are separated), but we talk on the phone. 

What do you think?


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## Jace (Jun 4, 2022)

Wow!  _Sounds like a plan..and what you've said sounds  mostly positive.
But...Do you think you should have "something"  in writing...just in case..
and to "cover" some of the points you, yourself are questioning ...have doubts about.   JMHO 
Good Luck!
_


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## WheatenLover (Jun 4, 2022)

Jace said:


> Wow!  _Sounds like a plan..and what you've said sounds  mostly positive.
> But...Do you think you should have "something"  in writing...just in case..
> and to "cover" some of the points you, yourself are questioning ...have doubts about.   JMHO
> Good Luck!_


No, something in writing would be nice, but would be very insulting. In our side of the family, our word is our bond.


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## Blessed (Jun 4, 2022)

Have you ever lived with the cousin before?  Maybe a test of a couple of weeks staying there, make sure it is a good fit for everyone, even the dog.

You would also have to discuss how to handle an emergency.  If he were to become ill, would you be able to make medical desicions for him?  How are his bills set up to be paid? Are they set up to be automatically be paid?  I have mine done that way. If I get hurt or sick, everything is taken care of.  If not would he allow you access to his finances during that type of situation?

My husband was set up on her account so he could write checks if needed. He would also pay her bills if she was traveling or staying with other family for any length of time.


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## Alligatorob (Jun 4, 2022)

Sounds like you need to resolve what happens to the house when your cousin passes, otherwise a good plan.


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## MountainRa (Jun 4, 2022)

I’d go for a trial period then all involved sit down and re-examine the situation.
frankly, I’d be worried about the daughter even if she is not currently in the picture.


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## Jace (Jun 4, 2022)

MountainRa said:


> I’d go for a trial period then all involved sit down and re-examine the situation.
> frankly, I’d be worried about the daughter even if she is not currently in the picture.


I agree! And, "along the way"..have written down the Pros&Cons..
To be sure.


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## Jace (Jun 4, 2022)

@Blessed..good points to be considered!


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## Lewkat (Jun 4, 2022)

Wow, I find it hard to believe that college tuition is cheaper in Mass. than in Pa.  Considering the excellent colleges all over New England, none are cheap that I can think of.  One of my best friend's son went to college in Bloomsburg, PA and it was not cheap, but not uber expensive either.  Checking between the 2 states though, you are right Wheaten, they are a tad less expensive depending on the type of school.


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## Knight (Jun 4, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> No, something in writing would be nice, but would be very insulting. In our side of the family, our word is our bond.


Nice that your word is your bond. Better though to get anything in writing that you would want.

Like once you are used to living rent free and you don't inherit the property being kicked out in your later years because his daughter wants the proceeds of a sale might not be in your best interest. 

You & your son are in effect care givers. Emotionally & at times physically, your cousin should recognize that above the companionship you will be providing. 

While it might sound greedy now, getting something in writing now to assure your well being in your later years would be wise.


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## Jace (Jun 4, 2022)

@Knight...all well stated


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## Pinky (Jun 4, 2022)

In theory, it sounds like an ideal situation .. however, the reality may not be so. As suggested, a few weeks trial may be a good idea.


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## RadishRose (Jun 4, 2022)

It may be a perfect plan. 

Just be sure to realize you will be doing all the cooking, cleaning, care and feeding of not one but three dogs; grocery shopping and laundry. Not to mention chauffeur duties.

Your son will be working and going to school, doing his own laundry and homework. He may not be available for much more than picking up dog poop and taking out the trash. 

I wish you the best of luck.


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## spectratg (Jun 4, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> College tuition is a lot cheaper in Mass than in PA, so my son can go to school there.


You need to check with potential colleges to determine what will qualify your son as a resident of Massachusetts.  Simply moving there is not sufficient.  I had looked into that from one of my daughters who went to U Mass Amherst.  My brother-in-law lives in Massachusetts, but simply claiming that for my daughter as her address would not have been sufficient for her to qualify for in-state tuition, since she had not been living there in prior years, including not going to high school there.  We paid out-of-state tuition, but still fairly reasonable, and she got a high-quality education.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 4, 2022)

Alligatorob said:


> Sounds like you need to resolve what happens to the house when your cousin passes, otherwise a good plan.


We'll just move out. I just don't want to get kicked out. My cousin's daughter is not speaking to any blood relatives or those married to them.


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## UncleVinny (Jun 4, 2022)

Money well spent may be for you  to have a consult with a Family Law Attorney. All well and good that your cousin wants you there, BUT, his daughter may be problematic down the road. You do not need to inform your cousin that you are seeking  counsel either.

If the  daughter gets a bug up her keester and decides that you are trying to undermine her inheritance, she could, COULD mind you, make bogus accusations against you and your son. From there it might get ugly...and costly.

Forewarned, is forearmed. Don't take anything for granted. Capiche?

U.V.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

Sounds ideal to me. It would be great if the daughter allows you to rent the house after your cousin is gone. Talk to her about that if you can. She'd have monthly income, you wouldn't have to move.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 4, 2022)

Knight said:


> Nice that your word is your bond. Better though to get anything in writing that you would want.
> 
> Like once you are used to living rent free and you don't inherit the property being kicked out in your later years because his daughter wants the proceeds of a sale might not be in your best interest.
> 
> ...


The plan is to save our money, and to live relatively frugally. We will pay our share of utility costs, food, etc. I will do the housekeeping and cooking. My cousin does recognize the companionship is invaluable to him -- he is very excited about this plan. My son will do a lot of stuff, too. My cousin used to be maximally active and he has projects he can't do -- or can't do alone. The big barn, once emptied of antiques, will be full of his trains and tracks. Someone has to build the set, and it will mostly be my son.

I asked my cousin if he wanted anything at all in writing, and he said no, "our word is our bond". 

I don't want to inherit anything from him. But the saved money will do a lot toward my son and I being able to move elsewhere.


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## Leann (Jun 4, 2022)

I can see the positives to this as there are many. However, I'm concerned about the future. Since aging is inevitable, will you be okay going up and down the stairs? You mentioned the bedrooms and a bathroom are on the second level. Also, will your son want to move out once he finishes college? And what happens if your cousin's health declines and he needs more one-on-one help? Will that be provided by his insurance or social services? Or will that fall to you and your son to do? 

I'm not trying to be negative so I hope I am not offending you. As to your husband, you mentioned that you and he talk on the phone so you don't need to live nearby him, do you?

I don't know the residency laws now as they pertain to college in MA but my daughter went to UMass Amherst years ago. We weren't residents of MA at the time so we had two options back then. Pay out-of-state tuition which was quite high OR she could sit out a year, work and live full-time in MA, prove that she provided 51% or more financial support for herself and then she could qualify for in-state tuition. That's what she did and it worked out well.


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## Kika (Jun 4, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> My cousin's daughter is not speaking to any blood relatives or those married to them.


Do you know the reason for the daughter not speaking to family?  
Does she speak to you?  Your son? 
Is she aware of the possibility of you moving in with your cousin?
Does she live close to her father?
Does she have a good relationship with him?

In addition to all the good advice you received above, I think you might want to have these questions answered for yourself and your son.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 4, 2022)

spectratg said:


> You need to check with potential colleges to determine what will qualify your son as a resident of Massachusetts.  Simply moving there is not sufficient.  I had looked into that from one of my daughters who went to U Mass Amherst.  My brother-in-law lives in Massachusetts, but simply claiming that for my daughter as her address would not have been sufficient for her to qualify for in-state tuition, since she had not been living there in prior years, including not going to high school there.  We paid out-of-state tuition, but still fairly reasonable, and she got a high-quality education.


We will definitely check on that. It looks like with driver's license, voter registration, payment of income taxes, a regular job, and continuously living in Mass for a year will do it. In addition, my kids were all born in Boston and I am a retired member of the Bar. So hopefully this will be enough. We need some kind of lease or caregiver agreement with my cousin, is the only other thing that may be required.

My son plans to live and work in Mass for a year before he begins attending college.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

It's a sweet deal for all concerned. The way I see it, the daughter is a non-issue at this point, and probably for years to come. If she won't let you rent the place, you'll have banked enough for another move, including truck rental, boxes, and that stuff.

I'd go for it.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

"some kind of lease or caregiver agreement with my cousin, is the only other thing that may be required."

If your cousin has medicare, your son can go through them to become the official caregiver. They will even pay him a monthly stipend.


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## Kaila (Jun 4, 2022)

I would want to try a visit, first, to see what unforeseen things might occur.
 Plus, there are many excellent ideas in the posts people wrote above, that I would consider, as well.

It seems like a very big decision, to me.


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## Blessed (Jun 4, 2022)

I do not know what Medicare might cover for caregiver or in home care.  I did not look into when my Mom lived with me.  When she first came to live with me at 85, it was not hard, just the normal stuff.  Rather quickly, it became harder.  Dementia set in, she would get up during the  night and not know where she was.  This led to falls, then came she could not bath (I took over all her personal care).  Then came the incontinence and diapers.  Still it did not bother me.  Eventually I had to place her into care because she would remove the diapers and fling you know what around the room. Then go back to sleep and wet the bed. I had a waterproof matress pad on the bed, but I had to change the bed everyday.  I had to wash bedding everyday in addition to everything else. Then it got to the point I could not get her in the shower chair and had to do bed bathing.

My point being, just becauase he is funtioning well, it can all go really bad, really fast. You and your son must really research and know the responsiblity you are taking on.  Do the trial run so you both really know what he needs and expects. If he gets really sick it may fall to you to place him in care even if he thinks he does not need to it.  You must have in place a health directive, a power of attorney if this happens.


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## John cycling (Jun 4, 2022)

Having a trial period of 3 or 4 weeks is a good idea.
How do you feel about going up and down the stairs, for the rest of your life if you stay there that long?

You could discuss with your cousin creating a life estate for you, in cause that circumstance arises.  This would allow you to live there for the rest of your life, regardless if the property was transferred to his daughter.  Here's the California Law and it's probably similar there:

A Life Estate "is an estate which is limited in duration to the life of its owner, or to the life or lives of one or more other designated persons."  Example:  "grantor A may convey the land in question to grantee B for the life of B, or A might convey to B for the life of a third person X.  Thereafter upon the death of grantee B (or the third person, X), the estate reverts to grantor A, or to grantor A's successor."

A life estate may be given by grantor A at any time, including by leaving the life estate in his or her will.

@dobielvr, the owner could still sell the house, but the life estate would continue.  Alternatively, the owner could limit the estate to a certain period of time after death (or sale of the property or whatever), which would not be a life estate.


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## dobielvr (Jun 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> "some kind of lease or caregiver agreement with my cousin, is the only other thing that may be required."
> 
> If your cousin has medicare, your son can go through them to become the official caregiver. They will even pay him a monthly stipend.


Jumping off your post....
My parents had Long Term Care insurance.  They paid me to be their caregivers for 8hrs a day.
I had to keep track of everything I did and hand the ppwk  over to them every week or two to get paid.


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## dobielvr (Jun 4, 2022)

John cycling said:


> Having a trial period of 3 or 4 weeks is a good idea.
> How do you feel about going up and down the stairs, for the rest of your life if you stay there that long?
> 
> You could discuss with your cousin creating a life estate for you, in cause that circumstance arises.  This would allow you to live there for the rest of your life, regardless if the property was transferred to his daughter.  Here's the California Law and it's probably similar there:
> ...


This was really confusing for me!   The Life Estate
The part I didnt like was, if I read it correctly, that if you wanted to sell YOUR house...you had to check w/you B person to get
their OK?

I decided against.  It didnt sound like it was for me.


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## Jules (Jun 4, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> No, something in writing would be nice, but would be very insulting. In our side of the family, our word is our bond.


You and your cousin would know about the ‘words’ but that doesn’t mean others in the community would.  See a lawyer to at least get some neutral advice.  Iron out all the details. On the surface, it seems like a win/win for you and your cousin.  

Look after yourself.


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## Em in Ohio (Jun 5, 2022)

I question why he is bequeathing the property to a daughter that doesn't speak to him?  Is he legally able and willing to put the house in your name?  I see the daughter as a potential (almost guaranteed) problem.  I personally would seek control of all his matters in writing.  Otherwise, there are too many unknowns.  (Good-faith agreements can have devastating consequences.)  If that can be accomplished, it seems like a mutually beneficial arrangement.


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## JonSR77 (Jun 5, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> I'd like to get some opinions on this, as I've probably not thought of everything.
> 
> My cousin lives alone in a tiny town in Massachusetts, about 1.5 hours from Boston. He is confined to a wheelchair because he has multiple sclerosis. He is a widower, and we are the same age. Both of our mothers, through whom we are related, were German immigrants to the US. He is a good guy - former fire chief, president of school board, former teacher. He is one of my most admired people because of how he is handling the adverse events in his life.
> 
> ...



As a disabled person, I have to say that interacting with the disabled is absolutely not an easy thing to do.

I would highly recommend that all of you get together and have a few family counseling sessions with a therapist.

Then, if you think you want to try this...I would try it out on a temporary basis for a few months, so you can get an idea of what you might encounter in the process.

You could easily wind up in arguments and confrontations and ruin relationships.

As far as your husband is concerned? That is an issue as well, especially if you suspect there is some risk of suicide.

That would seem another issue that should be addressed with a professional counselor.

Whatever time it would take out of your week, to see counselors to address these problems, will, in the end, save you much more time and save you a lot of grief.


Sorry about the difficulties.

Take care.


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## fuzzybuddy (Jun 5, 2022)

Hey, it's room and board in exchange for taking of the guy. Wills and estate planning are nice touches, if you intend to live there the rest of your life, but how about living with the guy for a few months first?  Instead of an estate attorney, you may be searching for a good criminal lawyer, since you strangled the guy. The estranged daughter????? I feel you want to move, but feel guilty about your husband.


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## Teacher Terry (Jun 5, 2022)

It sounds like a win win for everyone involved.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 6, 2022)

Blessed said:


> You would also have to discuss how to handle an emergency.  If he were to become ill, would you be able to make medical desicions for him?  How are his bills set up to be paid? Are they set up to be automatically be paid?


Excellent point, thank you. I will talk to my cousin about that.

We can't visit him for a couple of weeks, although I agree that would be best. My son can't get off work. I cannot drive very far (a few miles) because I'm still recovering from chemo.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 6, 2022)

Jace said:


> I agree! And, "along the way"..have written down the Pros&Cons..
> To be sure.





UncleVinny said:


> If the  daughter gets a bug up her keester and decides that you are trying to undermine her inheritance, she could, COULD mind you, make bogus accusations against you and your son. From there it might get ugly...and costly.
> 
> Forewarned, is forearmed. Don't take anything for granted. Capiche?
> 
> U.V.


Capiche! I won't take anything for granted. I've decided to draft a written agreement to protect myself. I am a retired member of the Mass Bar, so I can do that myself. I do not want to inherit the house. Yesterday, my cousin said anyone who takes care of him will be well-rewarded. I said just knowing you are okay and have us around so you won't be lonely and stuck in the house is enough for me. He insisted, and we left it like that. I really am not looking to inherit anything from him.

The way I see it, we get free rent, which will save us $1000/mo and allow us to pay my husband's life insurance. One of my other sons said he would do it, but his word is not his bond. He's made one payment, and we'll see what happens. It is nothing for me to keep up a house that has been freshly cleaned by my cousin's maids, so after I get there, he won't have that expense. We expect to contribute to the bills for utilities, and to pay for our own food. He has geothermal heat and a/c, so his bills aren't high. And he has a generator so we won't freeze to death if the power goes out in winter.

My son is going to help with chores, and help my cousin do his projects - the biggest being a big barn filled with a train layout.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 6, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Sounds ideal to me. It would be great if the daughter allows you to rent the house after your cousin is gone. Talk to her about that if you can. She'd have monthly income, you wouldn't have to move.


I won't mind moving. Mass itself is a drawback -- too much cold weather and snow. OTOH. tons of stuff to do. It's the best state for that I've ever lived in. Also, I have friends there and in New England in general, and it will be great to see them again. I am glad I am very familiar with Mass after having lived there for 2 decades.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 6, 2022)

Leann said:


> I can see the positives to this as there are many. However, I'm concerned about the future. Since aging is inevitable, will you be okay going up and down the stairs? You mentioned the bedrooms and a bathroom are on the second level. Also, will your son want to move out once he finishes college? And what happens if your cousin's health declines and he needs more one-on-one help? Will that be provided by his insurance or social services? Or will that fall to you and your son to do?
> 
> I'm not trying to be negative so I hope I am not offending you. As to your husband, you mentioned that you and he talk on the phone so you don't need to live nearby him, do you?
> 
> I don't know the residency laws now as they pertain to college in MA but my daughter went to UMass Amherst years ago. We weren't residents of MA at the time so we had two options back then. Pay out-of-state tuition which was quite high OR she could sit out a year, work and live full-time in MA, prove that she provided 51% or more financial support for herself and then she could qualify for in-state tuition. That's what she did and it worked out well.


My cousin has an aide who comes in daily. He also just put in a new thing you sit in to go upstairs. I can't remember what that's called. 

If my son moves, I am going with him. I can't take care of everything by myself. Keeping the house clean will be easy. My son will do the vacuuming and anything else that gives me a lot of back pain. He will not start college for a year, so he can meet the residency requirements. My cousin intends to get more help if his health declines. He doesn't want to go to a nursing home, and I definitely wouldn't be able to do everything for him alone when his health declines further.

My husband is not going to be happy when we tell him we are moving. When I was planning to move to Atlanta, and asked him to come along, he said he wouldn't go, and if I did, I would be ruining his life. Intellectually, I realize that I cannot let him dictate how I live my life. It is not my fault that he refuses to be friends with people who are not in his immediate family (me and our kids). I am I highly sociable person, and I've lived a cloistered life for too long. I'm still living a cloistered life because of recovering from cancer treatment and Covid, but at least I have my own place.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 6, 2022)

Kika said:


> Do you know the reason for the daughter not speaking to family?
> Does she speak to you?  Your son?
> Is she aware of the possibility of you moving in with your cousin?
> Does she live close to her father?
> ...


Since her mother died of cancer 4 years ago, she has not and will not speak to anyone on either side of the family. 

The daughter's SO and my cousin don't get along very well. She has no relationship with him, even though he has been steadily trying to keep in touch with her via email. She lives about 1/2 hour away from her father.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 6, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> "some kind of lease or caregiver agreement with my cousin, is the only other thing that may be required."
> 
> If your cousin has medicare, your son can go through them to become the official caregiver. They will even pay him a monthly stipend.


I will check on that. A friend of mine here was paid that way to be a live-in caregiver for her mother.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jun 6, 2022)

You've gotten some good advice, particularly what @Blessed replied. I know "word is bond" is important in familial and even close friends situations but if your cousin becomes very his daughter may try to exercise her rights at that time. It seems you're assuming you can just move and find a new place when the time comes. What if it takes time to find the right, dog friendly apartment...where will you stay until then? 

I worked with a nurse who married a nice man when they were middle aged. He had three children. One was a daughter she felt she had built a close bond with. When her husband passed away, maybe seven years after they married, she found out he hadn't updated his will and his children still inherited the house. They in essence kicked her out and she had to find an apartment fairly quickly and she chose one in our city...not at all like the suburban environment she had been living in. The upside is she was closer to work.  Your cousin's daughter doesn't sound like a reasonable person at all, based on the fact that she wants nothing to do with family, so I'm not sure how practical @Murrmurr's suggestion would be. I've found that people can be particularly ruthless after someone dies, especially when assets are involved. She sounds ruthless already.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 6, 2022)

Kaila said:


> I would want to try a visit, first, to see what unforeseen things might occur.
> Plus, there are many excellent ideas in the posts people wrote above, that I would consider, as well.
> 
> It seems like a very big decision, to me.


It is a big decision. The choices were whether to move in with Trent, move to Atlanta, or move to California.

Atlanta is way too expensive.The rents have gone up a ton since March 2020, when I was last there looking for a house to buy or rent.

My son can easily find a job in CA that pays more than he makes here -- and have a lot more choices, too. We would have only moved there if a friend of his rented us her house for $400 a month. It's a suitable house, and the friend is moving out and is wealthy, so she doesn't need the rent money. BUT this "option" would depend on whether the friend agreed that the dog and I could live there too.

Which leaves my cousin, who has been asking me to move in with him for a year. I'm quite happy where I am. My daughter, however, is moving out and we won't have enough money to pay our bills (rent, utilities, food, car insurance, gas, car maintenance, and vet bills) if we stay here.

We could move in with my husband, but I would immediately become the cook, maid, and everything else. Plus, my son would have to pay for a maid to come and clean the house. My husband doesn't do housework. He'd also have to pay for an exterminator because the house now has a huge mouse problem.  The exterminator would have to tent the house for 3 days. Basically, this is a no-go. I cannot go back there.

My cousin, wheelchair-bound as he is, is a person who mostly takes care of himself. He has always been one to do everything himself, no slacking. It will, I'm sure be a relief to him to have my son and I there -- I think it must be very wearying to do all that he does, especially when he has to do it from a wheelchair, and with one paralyzed hand.

Really, my cousin needs us as much as we need him. I am looking forward to being good company for him, and to helping him out. I am really looking forward to taking him places (with my son along) that are outside of his town of 1,500 people. Like to museums in Boston and Worcester, and to the Apple Festival, and tons of other places that are wheelchair-accessible. He needs his life back, and so do I. These grand adventures probably won't take place until next spring, depending on how bad Covid is then. I hibernate in the winter.

The only drawback to our adventures will be going places when they are not crowded. We'd wear N95 masks since we don't want to get Covid. 

Also, I won't have to sell my car and buy a beater car, as my son wants me to do. I bought the car for driving in snow, and it has a ton of safety features on it (Subaru Crosstrek). We will need a car like that because it snows a lot in Mass.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 6, 2022)

Blessed said:


> I do not know what Medicare might cover for caregiver or in home care.  I did not look into when my Mom lived with me.  When she first came to live with me at 85, it was not hard, just the normal stuff.  Rather quickly, it became harder.  Dementia set in, she would get up during the  night and not know where she was.  This led to falls, then came she could not bath (I took over all her personal care).  Then came the incontinence and diapers.  Still it did not bother me.  Eventually I had to place her into care because she would remove the diapers and fling you know what around the room. Then go back to sleep and wet the bed. I had a waterproof matress pad on the bed, but I had to change the bed everyday.  I had to wash bedding everyday in addition to everything else. Then it got to the point I could not get her in the shower chair and had to do bed bathing.
> 
> My point being, just becauase he is funtioning well, it can all go really bad, really fast. You and your son must really research and know the responsiblity you are taking on.  Do the trial run so you both really know what he needs and expects. If he gets really sick it may fall to you to place him in care even if he thinks he does not need to it.  You must have in place a health directive, a power of attorney if this happens.


Oh yeah, it dawned on me to research MS, and to ask my cousin what his prognosis is. 

Also, I have to reiterate to him that we don't know what my prognosis is. I had a very fast-growing cancer, stage 3, and it is one that often returns. I already know that if the cancer returns, or I get another type, I am not going through chemo again because it was such a horrible experience and I'm not going to spend whatever the rest of my life is going through that again. I am still recovering from chemo a year later, and although I am doing much better, cancer treatment uses up 2-3 years all by itself.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 6, 2022)

dobielvr said:


> This was really confusing for me!   The Life Estate
> The part I didnt like was, if I read it correctly, that if you wanted to sell YOUR house...you had to check w/you B person to get
> their OK?
> 
> I decided against.  It didnt sound like it was for me.


When I was going to buy a house, I thought about having my kids inherit a life estate in the house, so that none of them would ever be homeless. Of course, if they all agreed, they could sell the house. I can think of problems with this coming up in their lives, especially since all 4 would have to agree. 

As it turned out, house prices went up so fast that I couldn't afford a house. The one I wanted went from $150,000 to $250,000 for a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath house, right when Covid started. I wanted to pay cash with money left over for my support.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 6, 2022)

Jules said:


> You and your cousin would know about the ‘words’ but that doesn’t mean others in the community would.  See a lawyer to at least get some neutral advice.  Iron out all the details. On the surface, it seems like a win/win for you and your cousin.
> 
> Look after yourself.


I am a lawyer, so I don't need to hire one. I have reconsidered this word is your bond since others may try to interfere with the arrangement. So I am going to put in writing what we each expect from one another, etc. It will be a legally binding contract.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 6, 2022)

OneEyedDiva said:


> You've gotten some good advice, particularly what @Blessed replied. I know "word is bond" is important in familial and even close friends situations but if your cousin becomes very his daughter may try to exercise her rights at that time. It seems you're assuming you can just move and find a new place when the time comes. What if it takes time to find the right, dog friendly apartment...where will you stay until then?
> 
> I worked with a nurse who married a nice man when they were middle aged. He had three children. One was a daughter she felt she had built a close bond with. When her husband passed away, maybe seven years after they married, she found out he hadn't updated his will and his children still inherited the house. They in essence kicked her out and she had to find an apartment fairly quickly and she chose one in our city...not at all like the suburban environment she had been living in. The upside is she was closer to work.  Your cousin's daughter doesn't sound like a reasonable person at all, based on the fact that she wants nothing to do with family, so I'm not sure how practical @Murrmurr's suggestion would be. I've found that people can be particularly ruthless after someone dies, especially when assets are involved. She sounds ruthless already.


Let's say my cousin dies. Hopefully that would be at least a year after we get there. We would have saved enough money to be able to move, and we'd go elsewhere, fast. We can keep our expenses down so our nest egg is untouched, and that will help a lot in being able to exit stage left.

We can't foresee the future, but we can foresee problems that might arise, and have a plan that will be put in place if they do arise. In our current situation, that nest egg would be used up within a year, and we wouldn't have enough money to frugally live on.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jun 6, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> It is a big decision. The choices were whether to move in with Trent, move to Atlanta, or move to California.
> 
> Atlanta is way too expensive.The rents have gone up a ton since March 2020, when I was last there looking for a house to buy or rent.
> 
> ...


Well if you don't have enough to pay your expenses now, moving to Cali should be off your list. It's expensive there, then there's the drought and water rationing to contend with. Moving in with your husband sounds like a bad idea as well IMHO.  I'm glad you reconsidered putting the arrangement in writing. Didn't realize you're an attorney...cool. When the time comes, I hope you'd be able to move as quickly as you anticipate. Wishing you the best of health WL and certainly hope your cancer does not return.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 6, 2022)

OneEyedDiva said:


> Well if you don't have enough to pay your expenses now, moving to Cali should be off your list. It's expensive there, then there's the drought and water rationing to contend with. Moving in with your husband sounds like a bad idea as well IMHO.  I'm glad you reconsidered putting the arrangement in writing. Didn't realize you're an attorney...cool.


Well, I'm retired. The move to CA is my son's idea. I've never had a desire to move there. My cousin has provided the perfect solution, among them all, and my son agrees.

P.S. Besides the drought, there are earthquakes and fires.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jun 6, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> Well, I'm retired. The move to CA is my son's idea. I've never had a desire to move there. My cousin has provided the perfect solution, among them all, and my son agrees.
> 
> P.S. Besides the drought, there are earthquakes and fires.


Yes, the move to your cousin's is definitely a better option than the other two. You're right about the earthquake and fire issue. A good friend lives there and although she always tells me she won't be in harms way due to the fires, some not that far from where she lives, I always check with her anyway when a new one breaks out.  I have another online friend who was also close to one of the recent fires. It's frightening.


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## Kaila (Jun 6, 2022)

Your additional posts now make a lot of the issues more clear to me,
@WheatenLover 
 and I can now see that as a decision between 3 options, it becomes easier to see how this one seems better than the other 2.

Also, I had been planning to ask you what a plan b, would be, if *you* get sick, with anything really, *before* your cousin does. 
How would the arrangement work then?
Then, when your ability to do your part would change, and your own needs would be different too, and how would those increased needs of yours be met, if you needed a lot of care at some point?

I hope it all works out very, very well!  For you and for your son and for your cousin!


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## Kika (Jun 6, 2022)

It really does sound like the move with your cousin is the best option for you at this time.  Just be sure to have some "what if" plans in place for you and your son should something happen to put a glitch in your plans.  

I like living by: Plan for the worst and hope for the best.


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## Jules (Jun 6, 2022)

Your cousin seems like a good man who really needs help.  You’ll need power of attorney for health.  Even though you’re qualified to write up an agreement, it’s still safer for all of you to have someone neutral review it.  It will show anyone involved that you’re not trying to control him.  Good luck with all your decisions.


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## hollydolly (Jun 6, 2022)

Is there any reason your cousin might die before you ?.. is he particularly old.. and other than the MS is he sick ?


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## Leann (Jun 6, 2022)

Kika said:


> It really does sound like the move with your cousin is the best option for you at this time.  Just be sure to have some "what if" plans in place for you and your son should something happen to put a glitch in your plans.
> 
> I like living by: *Plan for the worst and hope for the best.*


I agree @Kika. After reading this thread and wondering what I would do if I found myself in the same position, I'd make the move, too. And like you, I try to plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Good luck @WheatenLover. Sounds like you'll need packing boxes soon


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## dobielvr (Jun 6, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> I am a lawyer, so I don't need to hire one. I have reconsidered this word is your bond since others may try to interfere with the arrangement. So I am going to put in writing what we each expect from one another, etc. It will be a legally binding contract.


Do you have to have it notarized in order for it to be legally binding?

I'm in the process of obtaining signatures for an agreement I've written for a couple members of my family.  So, wondering if I should have it notarized.  Thx.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 8, 2022)

dobielvr said:


> Do you have to have it notarized in order for it to be legally binding?
> 
> I'm in the process of obtaining signatures for an agreement I've written for a couple members of my family.  So, wondering if I should have it notarized.  Thx.


I get everything notarized so I don't have to worry about disputes regarding signatures. That's for my own personal contracts and other documents, and those of my family. For instance, since my husband's handwriting illegible due to his strokes, we are having a life insurance change of beneficiary form notarized, even though it is not required.

Some things, like wills, should or must be notarized. Regular contracts are often not notarized.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 8, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Is there any reason your cousin might die before you ?.. is he particularly old.. and other than the MS is he sick ?


No, MS is his only ailment. Sure, he could die before me. I could also die before him, based on the cancer that is now in remission. We talked about that a couple of days ago.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 8, 2022)

Em in Ohio said:


> I question why he is bequeathing the property to a daughter that doesn't speak to him?


Because he loves her and his two grandchildren.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 8, 2022)

JonSR77 said:


> As a disabled person, I have to say that interacting with the disabled is absolutely not an easy thing to do.
> 
> You could easily wind up in arguments and confrontations and ruin relationships.
> 
> ...


My husband isn't at risk for suicide. He wants every available means given to him, no matter what, if he is in danger of dying. He would rather be in a vegetative state than die. He will not go to a counselor, period. 

My cousin would likely be all for it, as would I. Thank you for your advice.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 8, 2022)

Kaila said:


> Your additional posts now make a lot of the issues more clear to me,
> @WheatenLover
> and I can now see that as a decision between 3 options, it becomes easier to see how this one seems better than the other 2.
> 
> ...


My cousin is aware that if I get cancer again, I will not seek treatment. I will seek assisted dying or other options before things get too bad.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 8, 2022)

OneEyedDiva said:


> You've gotten some good advice, particularly what @Blessed replied. I know "word is bond" is important in familial and even close friends situations but if your cousin becomes very his daughter may try to exercise her rights at that time. It seems you're assuming you can just move and find a new place when the time comes. What if it takes time to find the right, dog friendly apartment...where will you stay until then?
> 
> I worked with a nurse who married a nice man when they were middle aged. He had three children. One was a daughter she felt she had built a close bond with. When her husband passed away, maybe seven years after they married, she found out he hadn't updated his will and his children still inherited the house. They in essence kicked her out and she had to find an apartment fairly quickly and she chose one in our city...not at all like the suburban environment she had been living in. The upside is she was closer to work.  Your cousin's daughter doesn't sound like a reasonable person at all, based on the fact that she wants nothing to do with family, so I'm not sure how practical @Murrmurr's suggestion would be. I've found that people can be particularly ruthless after someone dies, especially when assets are involved. She sounds ruthless already.


At this point the daughter has no rights to the house and no legal right to control her father's life in any way. She is not in any danger from me ... I am not looking to inherit anything. My son has the means to move us immediately into a hotel if things suddenly went badly.

My son has a "nest egg" that will help a lot in finding a house to rent, if that comes up. We would probably move to another state -- one that doesn't have tons of snow. Also, among our friends and family, we have people who would be glad to take us in. I've never asked, though. Even with my cousin ... he has been asking me for over a year to move in with him.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 8, 2022)

fuzzybuddy said:


> Hey, it's room and board in exchange for taking of the guy. Wills and estate planning are nice touches, if you intend to live there the rest of your life, but how about living with the guy for a few months first?  Instead of an estate attorney, you may be searching for a good criminal lawyer, since you strangled the guy. The estranged daughter????? I feel you want to move, but feel guilty about your husband.


I feel unwarranted guilt about my husband. He will be alone because he refuses to have friends. The people I have introduced him to over the last 35 years have never been good enough for him. I don't understand his attitude.


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## JonSR77 (Jun 8, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> My husband isn't at risk for suicide. He wants every available means given to him, no matter what, if he is in danger of dying. He would rather be in a vegetative state than die. He will not go to a counselor, period.
> 
> My cousin would likely be all for it, as would I. Thank you for your advice.


again, sorry about the difficulties.

best of luck

take care


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## OneEyedDiva (Jun 8, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> At this point the daughter has no rights to the house and no legal right to control her father's life in any way. She is not in any danger from me ... I am not looking to inherit anything. My son has the means to move us immediately into a hotel if things suddenly went badly.
> 
> My son has a "nest egg" that will help a lot in finding a house to rent, if that comes up. We would probably move to another state -- one that doesn't have tons of snow. Also, among our friends and family, we have people who would be glad to take us in. I've never asked, though. Even with my cousin ... he has been asking me for over a year to move in with him.


I'm glad you have plans B and C. I was thinking if you couldn't find a place right away, should it become necessary, you'd have to stay in a hotel. One of those extended stay places would be best, I guess. You say at this point, she has no rights to the house. Does that mean she was written out of the will? The concern was not now but after you cousin passes, if you and your son were still there at that time. Your cousin sure is a nice one if he hasn't yet written her out of his will, considering how she's treating him and the family!


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## WheatenLover (Jun 9, 2022)

OneEyedDiva said:


> I'm glad you have plans B and C. I was thinking if you couldn't find a place right away, should it become necessary, you'd have to stay in a hotel. One of those extended stay places would be best, I guess. You say at this point, she has no rights to the house. Does that mean she was written out of the will? The concern was not now but after you cousin passes, if you and your son were still there at that time. Your cousin sure is a nice one if he hasn't yet written her out of his will, considering how she's treating him and the family!


My cousin's daughter has to actually die for her to have any rights to the house. Plus she has to be the beneficiary of it! Without a dead person who had a will naming X as beneficiary, X has no present rights to the living person's property and money.


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