# Love and affection



## Wren (Sep 8, 2016)

Were you lavished with love and affection as a child or were your family more reserved ? Has it affected you at all ?

My father was a very cold man who could not express affection, mum was a bit softer and we always had a goodnight kiss from her but neither ever said, 'I love you' I don't think people did so much in those days

I've always been very affectionate, especially with my daughter, lots of cuddles and let her know I love her, my friends and I always kiss when we meet and when we say goodbye, I think it's important, certainly now as we're getting older, to let people know you care, one day it may be too late ...


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## Carla (Sep 8, 2016)

Only when I was very young. That was when my parents still got along. They showed no affection to each other, but I didn't know any difference. My parents rarely hugged or kissed us until we were adults. How it affected me-I guess minimally. I learned to become more comfortable with it, but it took time.


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## Warrigal (Sep 8, 2016)

We were not raised in  an emotionally demonstrative family but I was never in any doubt that we were loved.


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## Falcon (Sep 8, 2016)

Warrigal said it for me.  + being well provided for.

 They were the best parents anybody could ask for.


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## fureverywhere (Sep 8, 2016)

I can still close my eyes and feel the warmth and smell the fragrance of my Mom's robe. She would rock and sing to me until I was almost big enough to squish her. Hearing gospel music makes me feel all warm and fuzzy...she knew every tune. I've always been kissy huggy with animals and small children. As I've gotten older I've learned huggies are lovely with adults too.


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## orangefeather (Sep 8, 2016)

I grew up in a family where no one said 'I love you'.  I had to teach my mom when I grew up.  The first time she said it, she was so shy, but after she got used to it, she was ok.


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## Shalimar (Sep 8, 2016)

I grew up in an ice cube. It made me far too self reliant, with a tendency to live in my head. I am warm, but not that easy to know, at least according to some of my friends. Loving with kids and animals. A little more reticent with adults. Such are the 
perils of a feline nature. Lol.


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## Butterfly (Sep 8, 2016)

My parents were not too demonstrative, ether, particularly my father.  I was always well treated and well taken care of, but never fussed over or coddled.  I don't remember whether they told me they loved me or not.  But I figured they did.  Maybe it was a generational thing.  I got the idea that the purpose of being a child was to learn how to grow up and be a responsible adult and take care of yourself.

After I grew up my mother became my very best friend.


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## IKE (Sep 8, 2016)

Outward shows of love and affection growing up not so much but I always had food in my belly, clothes on my back and a roof over my head till I left home and went out on my own at around age 15.....that's all I required.


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## jujube (Sep 8, 2016)

I was a only child/only grandchild for my first five years.  I was loved and coddled within an inch of my life.  We lived with my grandparents until I was two, so I had four adults whose prime objective in life was to dote on me.  Of course, when the "little interlopers" started showing up after that, I wasn't the sole darling any more but I still had more love and care than I think most people did.  I consider myself very, very lucky.  I had the best parents and grandparents in the world.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Sep 8, 2016)

Yes, I was lavished with love and affection. But never spoiled even though I was an only child. When I think back, members of my family had many different ways of showing it. Some with hugs and kisses, acts of kindness above and beyond. My Dad didn't show it outwardly but I was absolutely,positively sure he loved me with all his heart. Just something I could feel. He was always there for me no matter what.


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## Sassycakes (Sep 12, 2016)

I come from an Italian family,so there were always kisses and hugs. My Dad was the gentlest most loving and caring man. He has been gone 24 yrs now and the Children,Grandchildren and Great grandchildren talk about him all the time and how much they miss him and his generous caring ways.My Mother was very loving also,and every girl grandchild and great grandchild has her name Elizabeth as part of their name. Molly Elizabeth,Carley Elizabeth,Sara Elizabeth, and many other kids also.


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## Capt Lightning (Sep 15, 2016)

I can't help feeling that any love I received was conditional.  My parents lived in a very 'binary' world - everything was black or white, right of wrong.  There was no middle course with them.  Anything we did, right or wrong, was seen as reflecting on them as parents.  This was especially true of my mother although my father was a bit more easy going. 

On reflection, I think mother felt that life had dealt her a 'bad hand' and underneath her hard shell,  she was quite insecure and afraid or criticism.  I wanted them to be on 'my side', but they weren't.


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## Ameriscot (Sep 15, 2016)

My parents were only affectionate to each other, and the kids only when we were very young.  They never said they loved us.  I'm just the opposite - very huggy, and tell people I love them.  My youngest son was very affectionate and open and he sometimes embarrassed my parents and other people by telling him he loved them.


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## bluebreezes (Sep 15, 2016)

My parents were both dramatic narcissists, trying to outcompete the other. There was a popular psychology book at that time called Games People Play, and in that there was a game called See What You Made Me Do? That was parent's game day in, day out.

Us kids created our own life and occasionally were noticed by our parents. I remember my dad once promising me if I learned to play the guitar, he would buy me a nice one. I did learn and then he went out and bought a nice guitar for himself and wouldn't let me use it. This kind of thing happened much too frequently in our young lives. I found love and acceptance with friends' families, in particular my high school boyfriend's family who knew what was going on and smothered me with acceptance. It was a great relief to leave for college and never look back. Although I tried a few times to establish some kind of relationship as an adult, it was the same script over and over.

I raised my son completely differently and we have a close and loving relationship.


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## Ruthanne (Sep 15, 2016)

When I was very young my parents were affectionate towards me.  My mom complimented me often.  My dad called me his "little peanut" and because I was a tiny kid.  My parents didn't say I love you much if at all that I can recall but my mom liked to make  and buy gifts and things to show her love.  I can't recall all of my childhood and that may be a good thing..


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## maggiemae (Sep 15, 2016)

Wow, this thread brings back some memories.  Some not so good.  I was raised by my mother and grandparents (they lived with us, no father present).  I have an older sister and she was loved so much by the whole family.  Not to say I was not loved but it was just different with me.  I can remember from a young age my mother and grandmother saying they were hoping for a boy when I was born.  My mother even had a boy's name picked out.  And my grandmother even said "I was so sad when you were not a boy."  Can you even imagine as a young child hearing this how I felt?  I spent my whole life trying to "please" because I thought I was such a disappointment to everyone!  My Grandfather on the other hand must have noticed and he took me under his wing and we did everything together from growing vegetables, fishing and just being friends.  Heck, he bought me my first car but would not let me drive it until I learned how to change a tire.  There was not a lot of "I Love You" or hugs but I made sure with my children and grandchildren there would be no doubt how precious they are to me!


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## QuickSilver (Sep 16, 2016)

I don't know..  I was raised in turmoil..  Love and affection one day... Beatings and verbal abuse the next...    I never could be sure what kind of day it was going to be.,   It depended on my mothers mood.. and if my father came home drunk or not.


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## Buckeye (Sep 16, 2016)

Lots of sad stories on this thread.  I think we need a group hug.  :love_heart:


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## maggiemae (Sep 17, 2016)

Yep, Hoot N Annie, I did not realize how many of us had some sad experiences growing up!  But on the "Up" side, seems like we learned and became better people for it!  ((HUGS)) to all of you!


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## Wren (Sep 18, 2016)

I didn't go into too much personal detail when I started this topic but can identify with many of your posts, thanks for sharing, and a great big hug to all from me too ! :bighug:


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## debbie in seattle (Sep 19, 2016)

This post got me thinking............no, my mom wasn't affectionate towards me.   Never realized it before....never thought about it.


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## bluebreezes (Sep 19, 2016)

I feel like it can sometimes take a long time to realize and understand things about our parents' lives that may have affected our childhoods. In my case, I was oblivious to the influence that alcohol played in their lives and didn't realize until about 10 to 15 years ago that they were alcoholics.


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## Ruthanne (Sep 20, 2016)

Wren said:


> I didn't go into too much personal detail when I started this topic but can identify with many of your posts, thanks for sharing, and a great big hug to all from me too ! :bighug:


and here's one for you:


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## Brookswood (Sep 20, 2016)

My family was not soft, fuzzy and warm all the time, but I new I was loved and cared for, even when my parents were angry with me.


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## Cookie (Sep 20, 2016)

Of course I knew my parents loved me, although they were not demonstrative -- they had their own problems dealing with each other and getting their lives back together after WWII. My mom was an excellent cook and would make us special treats and was very generous.


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## SeaBreeze (Sep 20, 2016)

I was lucky enough to feel true love from my parents and siblings as a child.  I always felt secure and well taken care of, even though we didn't have a lot of money.  Not excessive hugging, kissing or saying 'I love you' in my everyday life, but the feeling was there and hugs or comforting words when needed most.  To those who didn't have a very loving experience in their early life, I admire your moving forward and making the very best of your life....love and warm hugs to all of you.


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## asp3 (Jun 2, 2020)

Like others who've posted in the thread I knew I was loved but I wasn't lavished with love and affection.  My parents are both somewhat reserved and I'm fairly sure they both had a hard time showing love of affection.  I don't recall when they were ever physically affectionate with each other.

During college I took a psychology of love course and one of the books we read for the course was Leo Buscaglia's Love.  It's been too long to remember what triggered my doing it but after reading the book when I went home I started hugging my parents and saying I loved them.  After a while they started doing the same thing and they are now more affectionate and loving.  I think it was always inside of them but they didn't know how to show it.

Personally I had a very difficult time being affectionate towards others as a teenager.  One of the things that helped me was taking two semesters of massage when I was in college.  It helped me learn how to touch people and feel comfortable doing so.


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## grahamg (Jun 16, 2020)

Does this fit in here?


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## Wren (Jun 16, 2020)

I started this thread in 2016, would never have imagined that, 4 years later we would be unable to show affection because of a virus.........missing my hugs and kisses


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## MarciKS (Jun 16, 2020)

Wren said:


> Were you lavished with love and affection as a child or were your family more reserved ? Has it affected you at all ?
> 
> My father was a very cold man who could not express affection, mum was a bit softer and we always had a goodnight kiss from her but neither ever said, 'I love you' I don't think people did so much in those days
> 
> I've always been very affectionate, especially with my daughter, lots of cuddles and let her know I love her, my friends and I always kiss when we meet and when we say goodbye, I think it's important, certainly now as we're getting older, to let people know you care, one day it may be too late ...


I would not say lavished. I was hugged and kissed but only at bedtime. It has affected me in the sense that I'm always very huggy. Have been forever. This lockdown/distancing stuff nearly did me in. Some of the young men at work have felt sorry for me and have been hugging me. They're little sweeties. We all get our masks on and look the opposite direction as I tell them "just don't breathe on me." ~Giggles~ (And before anyone gets all judgmental we are fully aware this is not keeping us safe.)

I forgot to add that as a child I was verbally abused like a lot. So I've never felt very loved. Let alone wanted.


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