# Not that anyone is asking



## Murrmurr (Dec 14, 2020)

A promontory on the pacific coast called Bodega Head is where my life took a bad turn. Me and a dive-buddy just finished checking out this deep freshwater pond situated just inland from Campbell Cove. I’m not sure that pond has an official name but people in the area call it The Hole in the Head. Some guys working there thought we were going to dive it and asked if we had a permit, which we didn’t but that wasn’t the plan anyway, so we crossed the peninsula over to the west shore of Bodega Head and that’s where it happened. I stepped out onto a sturdy rocky shelf to find the best way down to the shoreline and saw it would be a tricky hike so I put on my wetsuit bc it was better than carrying it. Then I stepped back out even farther just to check again which was really stupid bc there was s strong gusty wind up there, and that was literally my downfall.

I might have posted about this somewhere already but this is a diary, so not only might I repeat myself sometimes, sometimes I won’t use spell check and the grammar and punctuation software. But I’m sure nobody feels pressured to read diaries so, yeah, sometimes I won’t bother with that stuff.

So anyway, I had a few non-life-threatening spine fractures, and bone shards got stuck in some lumbar and thoracic nerve roots, and my spine shifted out of alignment a few degrees here and there. Moreover, my liver was busted up a bit and some of the contents of my stomach splashed out onto the rock I landed on. Not a good scene. I had surgery and that fixed me up adequately and I healed fast and went back to work in less than 2 months but I had to take it easy for another month. But years along, when I started having severe back pain, my new doctor saw bone shards still in there, along with the misalignment being increased by a significant degree but I didn’t have the second surgery until about 5 years go when it was ok (and kind of imperative) for me to retire.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 15, 2020)

Collin’s mom, Tara, trusts no one (I can’t emphasize that enough) so I’ve always been careful to _offer_ advice and not just throw it out there when I see something I don't like. I’m careful what kind of questions I ask, especially ones about Collin. Basically, I try to come across as completely non-judgmental to a person who thinks everyone is judging her every minute all day long.

Tara’s mother was addicted to alcohol and heroin. She moved her kids from one dump to the next every few months or so, usually in the middle of the night, to avoid evictions. They were often without lights, hot water, and a phone because the bills weren’t paid. The mother’s boyfriends came and went and moved in and moved out, and she didn’t cook every day so a lot of times young Tara had to feed herself and her little brother whatever she found in the fridge, sometimes having to scrape mold off it first.

I’m not going to say Tara’s horrible childhood excuses her adult mistakes, but I will say it’s what caused her to make them and not care who was affected. But she seems to care about Collin. And maybe he’s the first and only thing she’s ever cared about since her brother, and she's not really great at it because she was never given the right tools. 

But getting to the point, Tara trusts me (“You’re not one of these judge-y do-gooder society people”) and she said she wants me to be a part of Collin’s life. She literally said that. That felt like she asked for my help without admitting she needs it. Whatever, it's a win for me because I get to be a part of Collin’s life, and a win for Collin because ditto.


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## Pinky (Dec 15, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> Collin’s mom, Tara, trusts no one (I can’t emphasize that enough) so I’ve always been careful to _offer_ advice and not just throw it out there when I see something I don't like. I’m careful what kind of questions I ask, especially ones about Collin. Basically, I try to come across as completely non-judgmental to a person who thinks everyone is judging her every minute all day long.
> 
> Tara’s mother was addicted to alcohol and heroin. She moved her kids from one dump to the next every few months or so, usually in the middle of the night, to avoid evictions. They were often without lights, hot water, and a phone because the bills weren’t paid. The mother’s boyfriends came and went and moved in and moved out, and she didn’t cook every day so a lot of times young Tara had to feed herself and her little brother whatever she found in the fridge, sometimes having to scrape mold off it first.
> 
> ...


I hope Tara continues to trust you, and that you are able to see Collin often. Hopefully, you have many years ahead of you to share your lives together.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 15, 2020)

Pinky said:


> I hope Tara continues to trust you, and that you are able to see Collin often. Hopefully, you have many years ahead of you to share your lives together.


The one thing I feared if it turned out I adopted Collin is that he'd be 10 years old and pushing his ol' man around in a wheelchair and missing out on sports and stuff. So this could be a great arrangement. I haven't forgotten that Tara has stolen from me. That was a year ago and maybe she's better, but I don't trust her a whole lot at this point. I mean I'm not about to be her sugar-daddy or anything. It's all about Collin, and I'll be there for him.


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## jujube (Dec 15, 2020)

Collin is blessed to have you in his life.


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## Kathleen’s Place (Dec 15, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> Collin’s mom, Tara, trusts no one (I can’t emphasize that enough) so I’ve always been careful to _offer_ advice and not just throw it out there when I see something I don't like. I’m careful what kind of questions I ask, especially ones about Collin. Basically, I try to come across as completely non-judgmental to a person who thinks everyone is judging her every minute all day long.
> 
> Tara’s mother was addicted to alcohol and heroin. She moved her kids from one dump to the next every few months or so, usually in the middle of the night, to avoid evictions. They were often without lights, hot water, and a phone because the bills weren’t paid. The mother’s boyfriends came and went and moved in and moved out, and she didn’t cook every day so a lot of times young Tara had to feed herself and her little brother whatever she found in the fridge, sometimes having to scrape mold off it first.
> 
> ...


That is “THE” best news I have heard all day!
I just hope you don’t get hurt again, but for Collins sake I would think it would be worth the risk.  He’s a mighty lucky little boy to have you in his life...and I so hope Tara continues to do better for the love of her son as well


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## MarciKS (Dec 15, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> The one thing I feared if it turned out I adopted Collin is that he'd be 10 years old and pushing his ol' man around in a wheelchair and missing out on sports and stuff. So this could be a great arrangement. I haven't forgotten that Tara has stolen from me. That was a year ago and maybe she's better, but I don't trust her a whole lot at this point. I mean I'm not about to be her sugar-daddy or anything. It's all about Collin, and I'll be there for him.


She's trying to trust you so try to trust her too. I'm glad you get to be a part of Collin's life.


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## Gary O' (Dec 15, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> But getting to the point, Tara trusts me (“You’re not one of these judge-y do-gooder society people”) and she said she wants me to be a part of Collin’s life. She literally said that. That felt like she asked for my help without admitting she needs it. Whatever, it's a win for me because I get to be a part of Collin’s life, and a win for Collin because ditto.


Don't think the situation could be much better.
Very happy for you guys.

Sounds like a good Christmas


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## Kathleen’s Place (Dec 15, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> A promontory on the pacific coast called Bodega Head is where my life took a bad turn. Me and a dive-buddy just finished checking out this deep freshwater pond situated just inland from Campbell Cove. I’m not sure that pond has an official name but people in the area call it The Hole in the Head. Some guys working there thought we were going to dive it and asked if we had a permit, which we didn’t but that wasn’t the plan anyway, so we crossed the peninsula over to the west shore of Bodega Head and that’s where it happened. I stepped out onto a sturdy rocky shelf to find the best way down to the shoreline and saw it would be a tricky hike so I put on my wetsuit bc it was better than carrying it. Then I stepped back out even farther just to check again which was really stupid bc there was s strong gusty wind up there, and that was literally my downfall.
> 
> I might have posted about this somewhere already but this is a diary, so not only might I repeat myself sometimes, sometimes I won’t use spell check and the grammar and punctuation software. But I’m sure nobody feels pressured to read diaries so, yeah, sometimes I won’t bother with that stuff.
> 
> So anyway, I had a few non-life-threatening spine fractures, and bone shards got stuck in some lumbar and thoracic nerve roots, and my spine shifted out of alignment a few degrees here and there. Moreover, my liver was busted up a bit and some of the contents of my stomach splashed out onto the rock I landed on. Not a good scene. I had surgery and that fixed me up adequately and I healed fast and went back to work in less than 2 months but I had to take it easy for another month. But years along, when I started having severe back pain, my new doctor saw bone shards still in there, along with the misalignment being increased by a significant degree but I didn’t have the second surgery until about 5 years go when it was ok (and kind of imperative) for me to retire.


Ow! You surely have a way with words. I could almost feel your pain


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## Murrmurr (Dec 15, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> She's trying to trust you so try to trust her too. I'm glad you get to be a part of Collin's life.


Clean slate? I could try that (You can probably guess I've been burned before)


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## MarciKS (Dec 15, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> Clean slate? I could try that (You can probably guess I've been burned before)


Giver her one chance maybe?


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## Murrmurr (Dec 15, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> Giver her one chance maybe?


I will. A fresh start. But I'll be paying attention.


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## MarciKS (Dec 15, 2020)

Atta boy?


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## Murrmurr (Dec 15, 2020)

Kathleen’s Place said:


> Ow! You surely have a way with words. I could almost feel your pain


The worst ever. That day particularly. But it's fascinating how you can get sort of accustomed to pain when it's chronic.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 16, 2020)

Here’s something I didn’t talk about before because, a) the situation is complicated enough (not that I thought I’d scramble people's brains, I just wanted to focus on less), b) I was afraid it would sound unbelievable (but believe me, I couldn’t make up this kind of crap). 
So here it is >

Tara stopped coming here for her twice-a-week visits with Collin when he was about 4 months old (Oct 2018) and no one knew where she went, not even her mom, Collin’s grandmother who I also allowed to come here to visit Collin. Then, right before Collin’s first birthday, Tara had twins. Even though they didn’t test positive for meth CPS took them anyway because Collin’s case was unresolved and Tara had not gone to rehab yet or any other services that CPS “offered” (they say “offered” but they actually mean “required”. Not that I’m sympathetic to Tara for not accepting the offers).

That’s when Tara finally checked into rehab and went to counseling and parenting class and all the other programs that CPS offers. Through it all, Tara kept saying she just wanted the twins back. Like a punch in the stomach for Collin, right? (Well, he was too young to feel it, so I felt it for him.) Tara’s CPS appointed attorney probably told her this was not a good tactic for getting her kids back, including the twins, so she stopped saying she just wanted the twins. That’s when she started visiting Collin again. By that time, he was almost 2 years old.

Ok, so now, about Collin’s father. He got out of prison about that time and he came to visit Collin also, with Tara. He served a little over a year for a parole violation. The original charge was either terrorist threat or domestic terror, I’m not sure. He threatened to kill his mom. He was tweaking hard at the time, was living with her, and she was trying to throw him out. She called the cops after he threatened to kill her. 
(He’s 35, btw. Tara is 25 or 26).

He’s the twins father too, and he and Tara visited them twice a week when they were little babies but not at their foster parents home; it was at the CPS visitors center here in Sac. All personal visits stopped when the pandemic hit. So Tara did face-time with the twins 4 days a week for 2 hours each visit, and sometimes their father was with her. (After he got out of prison. He’d gone straight from prison to rehab, voluntarily, and after the 90-day black-out period they let him visit Tara.). She did face-time with Collin 3 times in 6 months, 8 minutes the first time, 10 the second, and 6 minutes the last time. Collin’s father wasn’t with her for those. Aside from that, she text me once or twice a week – “How’s Collin doing? Tell him his mama misses him.” I saved all her texts. Dozens of them, all identical. They were presented in court but apparently had no impact.

This is a long story. That’s why I wanted to keep it trim and focused. Now, Tara has all 3 little ones. Collin’s twin siblings are something like 10 months younger than him. He also has (*sigh*) an 8 year old sister and a 10 year old brother. They live with their fathers but they sometimes spend the night with Tara (and the babies). I’ve talked to them by phone and they said they LOVE their baby siblings and they’re so, SO cute, and they sounded genuine about it, and when I say their names to Collin he smiles, so I’m not worried about them (how they are with him, I mean).

So, yeah, longer story now. But Diary, so...

I’m guessing that the scratches I’ve seen on Collin are from the twins. They’re about 18-20 months old now (I’m not gonna do the math). He doesn’t seem to like them. When I mention _their_ names he either makes a pout-face or he stays totally neutral. I get the feeling that he knows he's supposed to love them but that it just isn't happening. They probably grab toys from him and stuff – the grandmother told me Tara tells him he _has to share_ – and Tara said they follow him EVERYWHERE _all the time_. He shares a bedroom with them, and they still wake during the night, usually at about 2 or 3am she said, and that wakes him up, so I figure he’s not sleeping well. That’s probably why he’s gotten grumpy.

Well, he’s got a lot to be grumpy about, that’s for sure, but if he slept better he’d probably be less grumpy. 
But anyway, after all the above added background (noise) this post is about how he’s changed since being reunited with his mother and not seeing his “daddy” for a little over 2 months.


Oh boy, can he get grumpy. It’s really hard to talk to him then (to talk him out of it/into a better mood), he just does not want to hear it. 
He’s a lot louder (Tara doesn’t have an inside voice). After a couple days here he quieted down some but he talks louder, laughs louder and cries louder. 
He even plays louder. I guess the “right” word is aggressively; he plays more aggressively. Maybe it’s just because he’s older but, i.e., when he’s done building his usual trains and towers with his Legos, he throws them on the floor to watch them fly apart. My guess is he’s seen that happen when his younger siblings (maybe accidentally) smack his Lego creations out of his hand or something like that, and maybe he thinks it looks kind of cool. But maybe he doesn’t. 
He throws his toys a lot. Just picks ‘em up and throws them, and then he looks at me, and I just explain about the downside of throwing things and tell him he shouldn’t do it. 
He won't have anything to do with his stuffed animals. He used to hug them every morning and played with them off and on during the day. I tried to send them with him, but Tara said she already bought some for him.
He’s more demanding and insistent and he’s very emotional about it. Actually it doesn’t take much to make him cry. The word No suffices. Say No when he wants a cookie or whatever and he falls apart, and saying he can have one later doesn’t help at all. And I don’t know if this is drama or frustration or a ploy or if he really just can’t handle it. I mean, I know it’s not about a cookie or whatever but I don’t know what he’s trying to get across other than he’s having a hard time with everything. And I sure as hell don’t know how to fix it or even make it better. Or anyway, nothing I’ve tried worked.

And that last one is a tricky one because if I, say, held him and rocked him in the rocking chair, he might have more melt-downs just so he could be held and rocked. So mostly I just hug him and tell him that everything is going to be okay (maybe...someday, right?) and then I ask him what does he want to do today, or something like that, just to get his mind off it. Whatever _it_ is. Like I said, probably everything.


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## MarciKS (Dec 16, 2020)

It sounds like he's acting out. It's probably an emotional strain for him and he's got no way to verbalize it? Just keep track of it all. If you start seeing something worrying I'd contact that CPS lady. He may just need time to adjust. I just wonder if he's acting this way cuz he's not getting as much love as the twins.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 16, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> It sounds like he's acting out. It's probably an emotional strain for him and he's got no way to verbalize it? Just keep track of it all. If you start seeing something worrying I'd contact that CPS lady. He may just need time to adjust. I just wonder if he's acting this way cuz he's not getting as much love as the twins.


That's what his grandmother told me. She said both parents make over the twins all the time, all kissy and baby-talk. Where, with Collin, thery'll hand him some crayons and a piece of paper and tell him to "sit over there".


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## MarciKS (Dec 16, 2020)

poor little guy


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## Kathleen’s Place (Dec 16, 2020)

Yup...poor kid. If it weren’t for you, I’d say he probably doesn’t have a chance in hell in this life.  Bad enough that he has two questionable parents...and by that I mean questionable as to how long will they stay clean. Hopefully forever but...  And will they tire of both Collin and the twins when they get older, start talking back, and require more of them as far as the right kind of discipline and love goes?  Nobody has a crystal ball, and as much as I pray for best, the odds are not in Collin’s favor. Was he born addicted??  The part that stood out to me was his building his lego’s, or whatever, and then destroying his creation.  That just sounds...sad. And throwing his toys. I mean all kids do this sometimes, but not consistently, I don’t think. Maybe he was testing you to see of you would still love him no matter what.  Boy, Murmmer...I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes, but I’m 10O% glad that YOU are...if that makes sense.  I couldn’t handle the pain of what you are going through. If I was the full time parent I could, but not the way you have to deal with it. I think my BP just jumped through the roof regarding the laws, or lack thereof in this country. Children, thousands upon thousands, have absolutely no rights or protection from the evils in this world. There is no, none, zilch, reason why Collin or the twins should have been given back to the parents until they were worthy of the responsibility again. Whew!  Sorry. But it angers me right down to my soul. And I will also apologize for being so long winded. I simply do not know how to cap


Murrmurr said:


> Here’s something I didn’t talk about before because, a) the situation is complicated enough (not that I thought I’d scramble people's brains, I just wanted to focus on less), b) I was afraid it would sound unbelievable (but believe me, I couldn’t make up this kind of crap).
> So here it is >
> 
> Tara stopped coming here for her twice-a-week visits with Collin when he was about 4 months old (Oct 2018) and no one knew where she went, not even her mom, Collin’s grandmother who I also allowed to come here to visit Collin. Then, right before Collin’s first birthday, Tara had twins. Even though they didn’t test positive for meth CPS took them anyway because Collin’s case was unresolved and Tara had not gone to rehab yet or any other services that CPS “offered” (they say “offered” but they actually mean “required”. Not that I’m sympathetic to Tara for not accepting the offers).
> ...


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## Kathleen’s Place (Dec 16, 2020)

Kathleen’s Place said:


> Yup...poor kid. If it weren’t for you, I’d say he probably doesn’t have a chance in hell in this life.  Bad enough that he has two questionable parents...and by that I mean questionable as to how long will they stay clean. Hopefully forever but...  And will they tire of both Collin and the twins when they get older, start talking back, and require more of them as far as the right kind of discipline and love goes?  Nobody has a crystal ball, and as much as I pray for best, the odds are not in Collin’s favor. Was he born addicted??  The part that stood out to me was his building his lego’s, or whatever, and then destroying his creation.  That just sounds...sad. And throwing his toys. I mean all kids do this sometimes, but not consistently, I don’t think. Maybe he was testing you to see of you would still love him no matter what.  Boy, Murmmer...I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes, but I’m 10O% glad that YOU are...if that makes sense.  I couldn’t handle the pain of what you are going through. If I was the full time parent I could, but not the way you have to deal with it. I think my BP just jumped through the roof regarding the laws, or lack thereof in this country. Children, thousands upon thousands, have absolutely no rights or protection from the evils in this world. There is no, none, zilch, reason why Collin or the twins should have been given back to the parents until they were worthy of the responsibility again. Whew!  Sorry. But it angers me right down to my soul. And I will also apologize for being so long winded. I simply do not know how to cap


see?  I couldn’t even finish the post . But what I was saying is I don’t know how to capsulize my thoughts. That is whyI don’t send out Christmas letters anymore. They almost came close to manuscripts by the time I was done


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## Pepper (Dec 16, 2020)

Is Collin a toddler?  They're always crashing stuff down, particularly boys it seems.  Totally normal behavior.


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## Lewkat (Dec 16, 2020)

Well if what's going on at home with everyone making a fuss over the twins and ignoring him, no wonder Collin is grumpy.  The CPS counselor had better step in and alert Tara and the father, that this boy needs some serious attention and loving.  If not, trouble looms ahead big time.  These children are so close in age, we'd call them Irish triplets.   He's building up a heap of resentment and he's too young for this nonsense.


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 16, 2020)

Pepper said:


> Is Collin a toddler?  They're always crashing stuff down, particularly boys it seems.  Totally normal behavior.


Seemed like totally normal behavior to me also.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 16, 2020)

Pepper said:


> Is Collin a toddler?  They're always crashing stuff down, particularly boys it seems.  Totally normal behavior.


Yes, he's 2 1/2. He'll be 3 in June. I don't remember my kids ever throwing their toys. And maybe I just don't remember. My own kids' behavior is all I have to go on, you know? Sure they built block towers and toppled them, Collin did too, so maybe it's like that but it doesn't _feel_ like it. I didn't make a big deal of it, btw, because for one, I didn't know what to make of it. But I do take into acct the confusion that's always swirled around him all his life. By the time I got him he'd been in a receiving home, mother appeared and disappeared, father appeared out of the blue, etc., then he's sort of snatched from the only home he's known.

Totally normal behavior sounds great! That's comforting to know.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 16, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Seemed like totally normal behavior to me also.


Awesome. That's awesome. (As you know) I tend to overthink it sometimes. I'm not an alarmist, though, I want to assure you.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 16, 2020)

Lewkat said:


> Well if what's going on at home with everyone making a fuss over the twins and ignoring him, no wonder Collin is grumpy.  The CPS counselor had better step in and alert Tara and the father, that this boy needs some serious attention and loving.  If not, trouble looms ahead big time.  These children are so close in age, we'd call them Irish triplets.   He's building up a heap of resentment and he's too young for this nonsense.


They look like triplets, seriously. One of the twins is a girl but only her eyes look different from the 2 boys. Big, round, and light blue. The boys eyes are intense and steel-grey in color.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 16, 2020)

Kathleen’s Place said:


> Yup...poor kid. If it weren’t for you, I’d say he probably doesn’t have a chance in hell in this life.  Bad enough that he has two questionable parents...and by that I mean questionable as to how long will they stay clean. Hopefully forever but...  And will they tire of both Collin and the twins when they get older, start talking back, and require more of them as far as the right kind of discipline and love goes?  Nobody has a crystal ball, and as much as I pray for best, the odds are not in Collin’s favor. Was he born addicted??  The part that stood out to me was his building his lego’s, or whatever, and then destroying his creation.  That just sounds...sad. And throwing his toys. I mean all kids do this sometimes, but not consistently, I don’t think. Maybe he was testing you to see of you would still love him no matter what.  Boy, Murmmer...I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes, but I’m 10O% glad that YOU are...if that makes sense.  I couldn’t handle the pain of what you are going through. If I was the full time parent I could, but not the way you have to deal with it. I think my BP just jumped through the roof regarding the laws, or lack thereof in this country. Children, thousands upon thousands, have absolutely no rights or protection from the evils in this world. There is no, none, zilch, reason why Collin or the twins should have been given back to the parents until they were worthy of the responsibility again. Whew!  Sorry. But it angers me right down to my soul. And I will also apologize for being so long winded. I simply do not know how to cap


Collin was born positive for meth but if he was born addicted I wasn't told. I think probably he was because he cried a lot as an infant and had night-fright type behavior and did some self-soothing stuff (still does) but not anything alarming. Mostly he likes to handle this soft but highly textured blanket when he's upset and when he gets sleepy. I sent it home with him. His mom said he quit using it...but who knows?


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## Murrmurr (Dec 16, 2020)

Kathleen’s Place said:


> Yup...poor kid. If it weren’t for you, I’d say he probably doesn’t have a chance in hell in this life.  Bad enough that he has two questionable parents...and by that I mean questionable as to how long will they stay clean. Hopefully forever but...  And will they tire of both Collin and the twins when they get older, start talking back, and require more of them as far as the right kind of discipline and love goes?  Nobody has a crystal ball, and as much as I pray for best, the odds are not in Collin’s favor. Was he born addicted??  The part that stood out to me was his building his lego’s, or whatever, and then destroying his creation.  That just sounds...sad. And throwing his toys. I mean all kids do this sometimes, but not consistently, I don’t think. Maybe he was testing you to see of you would still love him no matter what.  Boy, Murmmer...I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes, but I’m 10O% glad that YOU are...if that makes sense.  I couldn’t handle the pain of what you are going through. If I was the full time parent I could, but not the way you have to deal with it. I think my BP just jumped through the roof regarding the laws, or lack thereof in this country. Children, thousands upon thousands, have absolutely no rights or protection from the evils in this world. There is no, none, zilch, reason why Collin or the twins should have been given back to the parents until they were worthy of the responsibility again. Whew!  Sorry. But it angers me right down to my soul. And I will also apologize for being so long winded. I simply do not know how to cap


My brother says the same thing. He won't be the man he could have been if he'd stayed but I can only hope he doesn't become the man I have nightmares about - heavily tattooed angry punk who drops out of school, won't get a job, hates life and doesn't give a crap about himself or anyone.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 17, 2020)

My 10 year old granddaughter makes me laugh. I asked her why she wears her socks inside out and she said it's because that seam across the toe hurts her. I said "Oh, so you're like The Princess and the Pea." She said "Okay, that was really uncalled-for. And gross."

I don't think she's ever heard of The Princess and the _Pea_...not Pee.


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 17, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> My 10 year old granddaughter makes me laugh. I asked her why she wears her socks inside out and she said it's because that seam across the toe hurts her. I said "Oh, so you're like The Princess and the Pea." She said "Okay, that was really uncalled-for. And gross."
> 
> I don't think she's ever heard of The Princess and the _Pea_...not Pee.


I presume you are going to buy her the book


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## Murrmurr (Dec 17, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> I presume you are going to buy her the book


Yep.


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 17, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> Yep.


You should buy the complete books of fairy tales by Hans Christian Anderson, she may have missed quite a few.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 17, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> You should buy the complete books of fairy tales by Hans Christian Anderson, she may have missed quite a few.


Oh crap. I told her it was an Aesop's Fable. I think she'd really like Hans Christian Anderson. I'll look into it. That'll be a nice Christmas present if it gets here quick enough.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 18, 2020)

Ariel, my granddaughter, sleeps on the sofa bed in the living room when she stays over. The Christmas tree is in there. She knows I put a lot of thought into decorating the tree.

Last night while I was sleeping she rearranged all the ornaments. It looks like utter chaos.


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## Pepper (Dec 18, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> Ariel, my granddaughter, sleeps on the sofa bed in the living room when she stays over. The Christmas tree is in there. She knows I put a lot of thought into decorating the tree.
> 
> Last night while I was sleeping she rearranged all the ornaments. It looks like utter chaos.


She probably thought she was helping Grandpa.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 18, 2020)

Pepper said:


> She probably thought she was helping Grandpa.


It was a practical joke. She's full of 'em.


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## Pepper (Dec 18, 2020)

Hilarious!  I love this girl!


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## Murrmurr (Dec 18, 2020)

Pepper said:


> Hilarious!  I love this girl!


She keeps me on my toes.


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## officerripley (Dec 18, 2020)

Ariel sounds like a great little gal and I also think she's got a wonderful grandpa!


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 18, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> Ariel, my granddaughter, sleeps on the sofa bed in the living room when she stays over. The Christmas tree is in there. She knows I put a lot of thought into decorating the tree.
> 
> Last night while I was sleeping she rearranged all the ornaments. It looks like utter chaos.


Chaos to you *beautiful to her *


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## Murrmurr (Dec 18, 2020)

officerripley said:


> Ariel sounds like a great little gal and I also think she's got a wonderful grandpa!


Her looks are deceiving; she's pretty, tall, and graceful looking, almost ethereal. But Ariel is no cupcake. Argues like an attorney and has a quick, stinging wit. She's joy to have around if you don't mind blunt honesty.
(and thank you, officer)


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## Murrmurr (Dec 18, 2020)

I'm crazy about Ariel, in case that wasn't clear


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## Murrmurr (Dec 22, 2020)

Ariel spent the night last night. This morning she asked why the inside of the toilet bowl looks “all scratched up” and I said it’s probably because, just before I moved in, instead of replacing the toilet, maintenance cleaned it with harsh chemicals. She asked how I knew and I told her I learned it when I worked as a plumber’s assistant.

her (always skeptical): But I thought you were a truck driver.
me: Well, yeah, that was after I was a plumber’s assistant and before I was a tree-trimmer.
her: Wow, so you’re like a Barbie.
me: 
her: You know, because you’ve had like a million different jobs.

btw, did Ken not work?


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## Murrmurr (Dec 23, 2020)

So I made friends with Collin's grandma (I'll call her Jackie) very soon after I got him and she still stays in touch. Jackie called me a couple days ago after visiting Tara and the kids, Collin and his younger twin siblings, and here's what she saw:

Collin sat on the couch all day moping. He wouldn't smile and he curled up in a ball when she tried to talk to him. He was told to go play and he yelled NO! He yells at his mom and he kicks and slaps her when she tries to schmooze with him. Tara told Jackie that he just sits on the couch like that all the time and he isn't eating - over the past 3 days Tara got him to eat one banana.

When Jackie told me this I said "He's depressed!" and she said yes, that's what she told Tara but Tara said "No, he has only child syndrome." I don't know if he's seeing a therapist... Well, he wouldn't be *seeing* one, except on Zoom ...but maybe he is and that's where Tara picked up that term. He was an only child when he lived with me, but technically I'm not sure OCS would apply here. Even if it does, Collin is depressed and I think he needs counseling and not over Zoom. How the hell can Zoom be effective with a 2 1/2 year old?

Tara didn't bring Collin over last weekend and this weekend is Christmas so she won't be bringing him over this weekend either. And maybe she won't ever because of how he's acting. And if it just depresses him to go back home then maybe she shouldn't bring him here, idk. I can't be calling or texting Tara all the time, or even often. She could tell CPS I'm harassing her. I can only hope _she_ contacts _me_ and then I can ask about him. I will text her a Merry Christmas message today or tomorrow and include "Hope the kids are in cheerful spirits" or something like that, and hope she'll come back with something more than "Merry Christmas to you too." 

Most of all I hope she brings Collin to visit over the weekends like she was doing till 2 weeks ago, and I hope that's not bad for him. Maybe this is the only place he feels loved and encouraged and it's the _best_ thing for him.


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## officerripley (Dec 23, 2020)

Oh, Murr, I wish I ruled the Universe; I'd have you and Collin back together so fast! Well, thinking good thoughts for you, hang in there and happy holidays (as much as you can anyway).


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## Murrmurr (Dec 26, 2020)

I'm officially no longer prohibited, so here's a fairly recent photo of "Collin"

 He'll be coming to spend the upcoming weekend with me


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## Murrmurr (Dec 27, 2020)

A week ago, Collin's grandma, Jackie, brought over some Christmas presents for Collin and the twins because she invited them all to her house for Christmas but they said they were going to stay home, so she came over all upset and crying and saying “You’ll probably see them before I do, so give them these. Oh, yeah, would you mind wrapping them?" She said she just couldn't even deal with it. Well I did mind, but I wrapped them and put em under my tree.

Last Friday, Christmas Eve, I get a call from her while she’s cooking turkey, asking me could I please, please bring the presents to her house because Tara and the kids and their father were going to be there in about 3 hours. So I guess she heard Tara say she wasn’t going there on Christmas day but she missed the part where she said they’d be there Christmas Eve.

I had my own plans but I chose to not let Collin and the twins down and I took the presents – wrapped and ribboned – over to Jackie’s 30 farking miles outa my way and got to my son’s house just as It’s a Wonderful Life was gall-dern ending.

When I got to Jackie's, Tara and all them were already there. It was my intention to leave the presents at the door because I have no idea where those people go and who they talk to or if they mask and all that, plus I didn't want Collin to see me. But Collin happened to be looking out the front window and saw me and started screaming “Daddy!” and pounding his little hands on the glass, and my chest felt like it suddenly filled with lava and my stomach churned. And that's when Jackie opened the door.

I can’t even describe the look on Collin’s face when he stepped out with his arms up to me, other than it looked like pleading, like his eyes were begging “Take me home!” By that time Jackie was gathering up the presents and Tara came to the door, so I asked her if I could just talk to Collin for a few minutes and she said “Of course” and then went inside. So I took Collin over to a chair on the front porch and he climbed up in my lap and squeezed my neck and cried really hard. And he talked while he cried but I couldn’t understand him because he was crying, but I clearly understood when he put his hand on his chest and said “Me?” with a question mark. Man, I almost farking lost it because it was like he was asking Don’t you want me? or Will you take me? or something to that effect. That’s what it _felt_ like.

I did my best to explain that he belonged with his mom and his family and all that, and I kept reminding him that I love him very much and he’ll come to visit me sometimes, and I said all that directly into his ear because he was still crying really loud. And that’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced in my life, except leaving him there was way harder.

Tara text me this morning. She’s bringing Collin over tomorrow instead of waiting till the weekend (like she said she'd do that day on the porch) because he woke up this morning saying Uncka Pwank? Uncka Pwank? (at home he’s not allowed to call me Daddy). She’s gonna let him stay until Wednesday.

Post Script: turns out Jackie is ...ehh... pretty flaky.


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## HoneyNut (Dec 27, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> And that last one is a tricky one because if I, say, held him and rocked him in the rocking chair, he might have more melt-downs just so he could be held and rocked.



Gee this sounds so sad.  I hope he is getting lots of being held and rocked the rest of the time.


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## Pepper (Dec 27, 2020)

This is an incredible story of love and devotion.  He is a beautiful child.  He deserves the best.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 27, 2020)

HoneyNut said:


> Gee this sounds so sad.  I hope he is getting lots of being held and rocked the rest of the time.


Definitely. I learned pretty quick he's not doing this just to get his way. It's something he needs.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 27, 2020)

Pepper said:


> This is an incredible story of love and devotion.  He is a beautiful child.  He deserves the best.


Thanks Pepper. He *is* a handsome guy, and he's a really good guy too. He does deserve the best and if he gets it he'll be a good man. That's my firm conviction.


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## Jules (Dec 27, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> She’s gonna let him stay until Wednesday.


Until you said this, I was feeling upset for you and Collin.  Finally some good news.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 29, 2020)

Good grief, this kid wakes up early! 7am and he's already drawn 4 pictures, fed the homeless cat that shows up soon as a light come on, and raced his Hot Wheels down Storm Mountain.

On my 3rd cup o tea.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 29, 2020)

For fastest mammals on land the cheetah's got nothing on a toddler who's been asked "Whatch'you got in your mouth?!"


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## Murrmurr (Dec 30, 2020)

Last year, I bought myself one of those Purple mattresses. They're basically foam mattresses but the design is unique and the foam itself is too. It's kind of jelly-rubbery stuff. And it's purple. Well, I sleep like a baby on it (no back pain) so I went back to the website to see if they had kid mattresses. They don't (cuz, lots of regulations) but they had *pet beds*. So I ordered a large (Great Dane size) pet bed for Collin. It's like 35"x47" - something like that - so it didn't fit the youth bed I got him, but that's okay bc the youth bed was too narrow (he's a big guy for his age). I built a tent to fit over/around it and he loved it even more. Anyhow, I thought CPS would take issue with one of their kids sleeping on a pet bed on the floor but both his workers loved it.


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 30, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> So I made friends with Collin's grandma (I'll call her Jackie) very soon after I got him and she still stays in touch. Jackie called me a couple days ago after visiting Tara and the kids, Collin and his younger twin siblings, and here's what she saw:
> 
> Collin sat on the couch all day moping. He wouldn't smile and he curled up in a ball when she tried to talk to him. He was told to go play and he yelled NO! He yells at his mom and he kicks and slaps her when she tries to schmooze with him. Tara told Jackie that he just sits on the couch like that all the time and he isn't eating - over the past 3 days Tara got him to eat one banana.
> 
> ...


My 2 1/2 year old great granddaughter got social services over zoom, and speech therapy, and several others service because she tested so behind when my daughter got her back.  She was 18 months delayed in speech.  Now that she adopted the services ended, but my daughter worked hard to catch her up.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 30, 2020)

@Aneeda72 - Collin still remembers his numbers and alphabet and all that, a relief, but I gave him some books for Christmas and he's totally disinterested. He used to love books. I sent his old ones with him but his mom probably doesn't have (or make) time for books. He's changed. That was expected but it can't be imagined, so you still get bummed and stressed over it. He'll be going to Head Start soon. His mom said it'll be an in-person classroom situation, which surprised me.


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 30, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> Collin still remembers his numbers and alphabet and all that, a relief, but I gave him some books for Christmas and he's totally disinterested. He used to love books. I sent his old ones with him but his mom probably doesn't have (or make) time for books. He's changed. That was expected but it can't be imagined, so you still get bummed and stressed over it. He'll be going to Head Start soon. His mom said it'll be an in-person classroom situation, which surprised me.


I think you forget she has twins, doesn’t she?.  So a young mother with three little kids and one of those kids would rather be with you so he has behaviors.    Plus I am not sure grandma is on young moms side.  When you got Collin was eating like he was denied food.

There is a difference between a child who chooses not to eat and one who is not fed as I am sure you know.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 30, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> I think you forget she has twins, doesn’t she?.  So a young mother with three little kids and one of those kids would rather be with you so he has behaviors.    Plus I am not sure grandma is one young moms side.  When you got Collin was eating like he was denied food.
> 
> There is a difference between a child who chooses not to eat and one who is not fed as I am sure you know.


Yes, I feel for Tara. This is as hard for her as it is for Collin. The twins made a complete adjustment bc they were only 13mo or around there. I sometimes wonder if it'd be easier for Tara and Collin if she stopped bringing him over, but honestly idk. And, you're right, Tara and her mom have issues.


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 30, 2020)

It might be easier for Collin now, but he will adjust in time.  It’s no different than hundreds of children who adjust to their parents divorcing, IMO.  I think you having Collin helps a great deal, therefore, IMO, you should continue to take him, if you want.

I would suggest you do not make a big deal over his not eating, if true, or his behaviors at his mom’s house.  As you know, children are great manipulators.  They really know how to work the crowd.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Dec 30, 2020)

I have not heard one good thing about Zoom therapy for kids. It`s definitely not the same.I have a few friends whose kiddos who have had to switch to Zoom and it is useless. The kids (teens,for the most part) are begging to go back to in person or they won`t bother at all.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 30, 2020)

Mrs. Robinson said:


> I have not heard one good thing about Zoom therapy for kids. It`s definitely not the same.I have a few friends whose kiddos who have had to switch to Zoom and it is useless. The kids (teens,for the most part) are begging to go back to in person or they won`t bother at all.


Collin was getting zoom family counseling but Tara said it was a waste of time; he fussed and wouldn't sit through it so she's going to wait until he can do it in person. She said it does him way more good to spend a couple days here with me. Gives her a break, too, but that's okay with me bc it's all the better for Collin for his mom to get a break. That's the way I look at it.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 1, 2021)

Wow. 2021 already. I only really got accustomed to writing 20 instead of 19 about 10 years ago...though it doesn't seem that long  

Collin and I had our little Christmas, just us, last Monday. All his old "baby" toys replaced with Leap Frog and Vtech learning toys, a few little monster trucks and a set of Peppa Pig (and George and Pedro) cars, and a racetrack for them with a loop-dee-loop that actually works. Also 6 new books and 2 sets of pj's. We took a gift to my 80 yr old cousin down the road and had potato soup with her. Collin didn't like the looks of the soup so he had a few crackers and some grapes. On Tuesday he was watching a cartoon show that he asked for by name while I checked my emails and had tea and I saw him get frightened for the first time - some villain character rising from the shadows and growling at the kid-hero characters - and I muted the TV and invited him to have tea with me. Turned the TV off and we had tea together.

He had 2 melt-downs on Tuesday, one while we were outside and I told him the playground was closed and again at bedtime, and 6 on Wednesday, the day I reminded him his mom would be coming to take him home; the day that every "No" and "Not right now" was a trigger, plus once when I said I needed to go potty and I'd be back in a minute, and lastly, when his mom came to get him. You can't talk him out of these meltdowns, you just have to ride 'em out and be there for him when they're over. I did find that getting the ice cream out of the freezer helps sometimes - I was like, "I'm just gonna make myself an ice cream cone while you do all that."

Spent New Years Eve mostly watching youtube videos until midnight, waited for the fireworks and shouting to stop, and went to bed. The last few years I stepped out my door at 11:59pm and yelled Happy New Year to all the neighbors who'd stepped out their doors. Weird that didn't even cross my mind this year.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 4, 2021)

I've been feeling off balance the past couple days; my energy level is super low but at the same time I feel really restless. It's kind of unsettling.


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## terry123 (Jan 4, 2021)

Well, you have a lot on your mind and its that time of the year.  I always feel unsettled at the start of the new year.  Be good to yourself.  I am trying to meditate at least twice a day.  Nothing fancy, but it does help me.  I treated myself to a few new books and Amazon got them to me today, so that will help me settle down some.  Take care of yourself and plan another visit will Collin soon!


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## Murrmurr (Jan 4, 2021)

terry123 said:


> Well, *you have a lot on your mind* and its that time of the year.  I always feel unsettled at the start of the new year.  Be good to yourself.  I am trying to meditate at least twice a day.  Nothing fancy, but it does help me.  I treated myself to a few new books and Amazon got them to me today, so that will help me settle down some.  Take care of yourself and plan another visit will Collin soon!


Man that's sure the truth. 
I meditate regularly, twice a day for sure, but I'm having a hard time turning my brain off. It's usually easy. I don't have an appetite lately, too. I'm thinking I need to force myself to get outside and walk more.


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## terry123 (Jan 5, 2021)

I have trouble turning the brain off too but I try to concentrate more on my breathing.  I try to start my day also with daily devotionals with my first cup of coffee.  The one for Jan 1 was "Living from my divine nature, I begin again".  My best friend and I have been giving each other a subscription to The Daily Word for over 20 years.  I read mine with a cup of coffee each day and she reads hers with a cup of tea.  

She lives in Center, Texas and I am in Houston and we rarely see each other but we email and phone each other every week.  I met her when I lived in Center.  Our daughters were in the same grade and grew to be best friends, roomed together at SFA, and both went to pharmacy school, graduated, and work as pharmacists now.  

We are more or less so different as she is a "yankee" and I am pretty southern.  I still cannot abide her cooking as they are bland to me and mine are too spicy for her as I cook Southern and "cajun"!  Through our daughters friendship I converted to her episcopal faith as I finally felt comfortable there.  Our little church there in Center is very small but the people there are very spiritual and I felt at home.  I was raised in the Southern Baptist faith but never felt like I belonged.  

I don't attend services here in Houston since the virus has pretty much dictated much smaller attendance.  So I subscribe to the pod casts and watch each Sunday.  Looking forward to Lent  and what I will let go of for it.  A good time to let go of certain habits and expectations. I try to affirm "Peace is mine and all is well"

Sorry to post so long but I am thumbing through my Daily Word as I type and certain phrases jump out to me as I read and type. I love it as its not any certain faith or Church.  They don't ask for money but I send a donation now and then.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 5, 2021)

terry123 said:


> I have trouble turning the brain off too but I try to concentrate more on my breathing.  I try to start my day also with daily devotionals with my first cup of coffee.  The one for Jan 1 was "Living from my divine nature, I begin again".  My best friend and I have been giving each other a subscription to The Daily Word for over 20 years.  I read mine with a cup of coffee each day and she reads hers with a cup of tea.
> 
> She lives in Center, Texas and I am in Houston and we rarely see each other but we email and phone each other every week.  I met her when I lived in Center.  Our daughters were in the same grade and grew to be best friends, roomed together at SFA, and both went to pharmacy school, graduated, and work as pharmacists now.
> 
> ...


It's a very nice post, Terry. Thank you.


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## Shalimar (Jan 5, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I've been feeling off balance the past couple days; my energy level is super low but at the same time I feel really restless. It's kind of unsettling.


  No wonder you feel as you do. The situation with Collin is uber stressful. I think, perhaps, you may not be aware of how strong and exceptional a man you truly are. You have my respect and admiration. This, folks, is what love looks like.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 5, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> No wonder you feel as you do. The situation with Collin is uber stressful. I think, perhaps, you may not be aware of how strong and exceptional a man you truly are. You have my respect and admiration. This, folks, is what love looks like.


Thank you, Shalimar. Very kind words.
I had a casual, fun conversation with a friend last night and felt motivated enough to go out and buy some groceries today, and even ate a hearty lunch. I feel quite a bit better. Fingers crossed, hoping Tara will text about bringing Collin over this weekend.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 5, 2021)

A young lady came around the corner at the store and caught me doing a happy dance, super jazzed that I finally found where they keep the friggin Q-Tips. She diverted her eyes.

Life is kinda pathetic sometimes. Woulda been nice to get a high-five.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 6, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> A young lady came around the corner at the store and caught me doing a happy dance, super jazzed that I finally found where they keep the friggin Q-Tips. She diverted her eyes.
> 
> Life is kinda pathetic sometimes. Woulda been nice to get a high-five.


We have done that before especially when we found toilet paper.  You’ve thought we found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow


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## Murrmurr (Jan 6, 2021)

Tara is bringing Collin over tomorrow and will pick him up on Saturday. Yay! It's been _gently_ raining off and on the past several days so I hope it rains while he's here bc I want to take him out and play in it for a little bit. My kids loved playing in the rain when they were his age. In any case, we'll puddle-jump at least. Gotta go get him some rain boots today so we're prepared.


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## PamfromTx (Jan 6, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I'm officially no longer prohibited, so here's a fairly recent photo of "Collin"
> 
> View attachment 141742 He'll be coming to spend the upcoming weekend with me


Precious little boy; God bless and protect him ~ always.  Those eyes are beautiful.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 6, 2021)

PamfromTx said:


> Precious little boy; God bless and protect him ~ always.  Those eyes are beautiful.


My favorite thing about that photo is the way he's looking at me.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Jan 6, 2021)

What a sweet little boy. The injustice in all this is sickening and Collin is the one suffering. I hope you have a wonderful visit with him and wish you many more great times together.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 6, 2021)

Ruth n Jersey said:


> What a sweet little boy. The injustice in all this is sickening and Collin is the one suffering. I hope you have a wonderful visit with him and wish you many more great times together.


Thank you, Ruth. I'm thrilled that his mom is willing to bring him over to visit, and especially that she's doing it for his sake. That's what she said and I believe her. IMO that indicates she's making progress, putting her child first, bettering herself.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 7, 2021)

Collin got here at about noon. He told his mom goodbye, she said "I love you" and he said it back and and took my hand and headed toward my apartment.

That was all new. This was the first time he didn't grab my pant-leg and bury his face in it to stifle his sobs, or look up at me with pleading eyes, the first time I heard him say "I love you" to his mom. 

I make changes in my apartment when I know Collin is coming to visit. Some are small, like moving his toybox to another spot, some more drastic, like taking down the big tent that surrounded his bed. I do this with the idea that, bit by bit, it will lessen the familiarity, break attachments, maybe help him realize that this is not his only home but rather a second home; Uncle Frank's home. This time I moved the area rug from the living room to the dining nook, and for the first time he noticed a change, that something was different. He said "Wow!" and then casually handed me his jacket and asked for crayons and a colorbook.

It was like he'd been dropped off at school. Part of me was glad for the strides he seems to have made. 

Later in the day I thought it'd be fun to get his tent out of the closet and set it up in the living room. That was a terrible mistake. That was me trying to retrieve old times, old feelings. Collin wanted absolutely no part of that tent. Obviously the old times and old feelings are there for him, inside. He's trying to forget them.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 8, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Collin got here at about noon. He told his mom goodbye, she said "I love you" and he said it back and and took my hand and headed toward my apartment.
> 
> That was all new. This was the first time he didn't grab my pant-leg and bury his face in it to stifle his sobs, or look up at me with pleading eyes, the first time I heard him say "I love you" to his mom.
> 
> ...


He is starting to adjust to his new life which is great!


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## Murrmurr (Jan 11, 2021)

A few visits ago I told Collin he could take his favorite stuffed rabbit home with him if he wanted to and he gave me a strange look – kind of sad and angry at the same time – and shoved it under my bed really hard and as far as he could. And there are other examples of him refusing to have anything to do with other “old” favorites, sometimes getting very emotional about it. It took me a while but I think I figured it out. I think this is his way of sort of burying the past. These things are a reminder of a gentler, care-free life. He’s trying to come to terms with his new reality. And I wonder how long before he decides it’s best to stop visiting at all.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 11, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> A few visits ago I told Collin he could take his favorite stuffed rabbit home with him if he wanted to and he gave me a strange look – kind of sad and angry at the same time – and shoved it under my bed really hard and as far as he could. And there are other examples of him refusing to have anything to do with other “old” favorites, sometimes getting very emotional about it. It took me a while but I think I figured it out. I think this is his way of sort of burying the past. These things are a reminder of a gentler, care-free life. He’s trying to come to terms with his new reality. And I wonder how long before he decides it’s best to stop visiting at all.


I doubt he will decide that


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## Murrmurr (Jan 11, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> He is starting to adjust to his new life which is great!


I knew that's what's happening but I've only just begun to accept it...sort of. Let's say I'm getting there.
It IS great. I mean, he has to, he has no choice, so in that respect, it's great. Harsh, but a necessary step forward.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 11, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I doubt he will decide that


I hope not. I will always be his respite and I hope he'll always know that.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 11, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I doubt he will decide that


By the way, Aneeda, you're comments have been very helpful. Including ones that were a bit like a slap and a sharp "Snap out of it!"   
Just wanted you to know that.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 11, 2021)

It's really interesting (to me) to go back and read these posts and comments. What painfully stands out is how much I waffle. I need to stop waffling. The good news is, I mostly only waffle here. I rarely do IRL.


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## Pinky (Jan 11, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> It's really interesting (to me) to go back and read these posts and comments. What painfully stands out is how much I waffle. I need to stop waffling. The good news is, I mostly only waffle here. I rarely do IRL.


Go ahead and waffle .. that's what we're here for


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## Shalimar (Jan 11, 2021)

Your situation is very stressful and uncertain, this is a good place to be vulnerable enough to take a load off, air your concerns, and receive positive feedback from your online friends. We want the best for you both.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 11, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Your situation is very stressful and uncertain, this is a good place to be vulnerable enough to take a load off, air your concerns, and receive positive feedback from your online friends. We want the best for you both.


Thanks, Shalimar.

When the maternity nurse handed me my first newborn baby the thought "Don't mess this kid up" ran through my head over and over. I had the same thought when 3 1/2 WEEK old Collin was handed to me like he was something I ordered off of Amazon. But life messes kids up. It's inevitable. You just have to teach them to make good choices, and learn from their mistakes. If not for 18 or more, I wish I'd have had him for a few more years. Now I can only hope he keeps spending time here for at least that long.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 12, 2021)

Maud

When my kids were little it was easy to keep girlfriends and dating a secret, especially when the babysitters were my brother and his wife; the kids could spend the night there, have a sleepover with their cousins. When they were old enough to babysit themselves they were 15, 14, and 12, Grant, Liam, Maud, respectively, and one evening I knew dating wasn’t a secret anymore when Maud asked “So, you gettin’ all _floss_ to go see Amy or whoever?” and rolled her eyes. (_floss_ might have been _flossed_, I don’t remember, but it had nothing to do with teeth.)

I said “You’re correct, it’s Amy, and yes, I’m taking her to dinner this evening” and Maud rolled her eyes again, gave out a short, disgusted sigh and left the room waving her hand above her head weirdly, kind of like how Queen Victoria waved to her subjects from the palace balcony. I have no idea what that meant but I knew it wasn’t “awesome, you deserve an evening out, have a good time” and I was glad I hadn’t corrected her grammar.

Soon after that, I started introducing some of the women I dated, the ones I liked well enough to invite to the house for dinner so I could see how they interacted with my kids. Concurrently, Maud, 13 by then, entered an intense (by intense I mean insane) emo phase. None of these women stood a chance. 

Except for Janae, who, right off the bat, told Maud, 15-years-old by then, that she loved her dress (this horrible black thing she picked up at a thrift store) and the wedged shoes and Letterman’s sweater that didn’t go with it. “You have a very unique sense of style” Janae said. Well, she didn’t lie. I don’t even think Madonna would have put an outfit like that together.

Janae serenely held her own all through dinner, and after a while Maud went a little bit easy on her. She threw a few verbal jabs but Janae disarmed them, and Maud would chuckle nervously every time. But the biggest shock came when Maud suggested they wash the dishes together. Relatively speaking, it was a very nice evening overall. Later Janae and I were having some wine out on the patio and when I saw some bedroom lights go out I told her I wanted to go check on the kids real quick. I checked on Grant, then Liam, and then Maud, and then I ran to my phone and dialed 911. Maud had swallowed a bottle of Ibuprophen.

She yelled at me to go home a number of times, but I stayed at her bedside all that night, holding and kissing her hands. Next day she still didn’t want to talk about it, still kept telling me to go home, and I still kept telling her I loved her more deeply than I’d ever loved anyone, because it was true. I finally left her and after 3 more days in the hospital they let me pick Maud up and bring her home. I spoke to her psychologist and her social worker and they gave us their cards and said call whenever we wanted to talk to them, and Maud chuckled.

A few weeks later Janae and I broke up.

The next 3 years were hell. And heaven. Maud was either slamming a door in my face or snuggling up next to me on the couch to get cuddles. She made me a pancake and sausage breakfast every Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day and on my birthday. When I’d hear her cry in her room, she let me come in and hold her and talk to her a good 60% of the time. (Once she was crying because she couldn’t get her black hair to take the purple dye). The other 40% she told me she hated me and to go away and leave her alone and never talk to her again. She often told me I just didn’t understand her at all, and she was absolutely right.

When Maud turned 18 and graduated from high school, I gave her the paperwork and debit card connected to her college account. She bought a car and went shopping for clothes. (At least they weren't used and they weren’t black.) Three months later, she enlisted in the navy. She signed up for 3 years. The day she left for Port Hueneme she hugged me for a very long time and we cried. She was eventually stationed all the way over at Virginia Beach, and saw Spain, Portugal, and other parts of the world. She became a computer technician, primarily keeping her ship’s hovercraft running properly. She saved almost all her money, deposited it into her college account, which still had 20,000 of the original dollars in it when she left.

When she came home I hadn’t seen her for about 2 years. The first thing she did was jump up and throw her legs around my waist and hug me like she did when she was little. The second thing she did was introduce her husband. A guy she met in the navy. He was divorced and had a 5-year-old daughter who lived in the Los Angeles area. They were shopping for a house down there, so whatever-his-name could live close to his daughter. I hated that guy. Right off, I hated him. But I had Maud’s welcome-home roast in the oven and they could smell it, so I invited the chuck-head to stay and have dinner with me and my little girl.

The daughter-stealing son-of-a-gun was polite, at least. Kind of quiet. Kind of a good-looking kid, too. Kid…_humf_, 5 years older than her. This guy was no kid. Maud was a kid. Maud was a _child!_ Oh, I threw a few verbal jabs at him but he managed to disarmed them, and Maud would laugh every time. That night I showed them to their room – _humf_, _their_ room. It was Maud’s room, with a twin bed. I smirked to myself when I thought about that. Then I thought again.

Four days later, Maud and her husband left for L.A. and a new life together. Over the next few years they gave me 2 beautiful granddaughters, and, of course, a sweet and very lovely step-granddaughter was part of the deal. And Maud’s oldest daughter, Lily, is now the mother of my 3rd great-grandchild, the pretty little girl whose photos I posted here.

They came to visit me not too long ago, and when I had Maud alone I told her I was the happiest I’ve been in a long time because I know now that she loves me.

“Daddy, I’ve always loved you.”

That night, the night Maud tried to kill herself? It had nothing to do with Janae and nothing to do with me. It was because of a boy. And if I ever find that little SOB I’m gonna nail his tender bits to a remotely located post.


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## hollydolly (Jan 12, 2021)

Oh my heart was in my mouth all the way through this story.... whew, what a relief that ended like it did... ( won't spoil it for anyone else )


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 12, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Maud
> 
> When my kids were little it was easy to keep girlfriends and dating a secret, especially when the babysitters were my brother and his wife; the kids could spend the night there, have a sleepover with their cousins. When they were old enough to babysit themselves they were 15, 14, and 12, Grant, Liam, Maud, respectively, and one evening I knew dating wasn’t a secret anymore when Maud asked “So, you gettin’ all _floss_ to go see Amy or whoever?” and rolled her eyes. (_floss_ might have been _flossed_, I don’t remember, but it had nothing to do with teeth.)
> 
> ...


I doubt it was the much to do with the specific boy as it was any teenaged girls emotional makeup.  My niece wore black as well as a teenager, but my brother and SIL wouldn’t listen. She just going through a phrase, they said.  She also attempted suicide.  They sent her away, to an out of state psyche hospital, God forgive their friends find out.

My daughter moved in with a fellow when she turned 18 and most of her life asked me “how could I let her do that.”  I replied “how could I stop you?“ Just wait and see I said frequently.  Well, sadly, she saw, that teenagers cannot be stopped from doing what they do. Now she has adopted her granddaughter.

I am glad your daughter is fine and your relationship is great.  It’s the same with my niece and my daughter.  Unfortunately, children and adults must just get through what they need to get through.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 12, 2021)

@Murrmurr I had a thought about your situation and have no ideal if it will be successful or not.  As the twins grow older and Collin continues to see you, there might be a problem that arises.  The twins might become jealous of Collin’s special grandpa and that might put pressure on the family for the visits to end.

This is just a thought, as I’ve never very been in your situation.  Have you considered offering to babysit the twins as well?  Is that even possible?  Would you be able to “handle” all three together for a short period of time?  Plus if the children had to be removed again, the agency would try to place all of them together.  Would you even want all three?

Since you are concerned about how Collin is treated by the twins, this would let you observe, interact, and possibly suggest strategies to mom as your relationship grows stronger and stronger.

Just a thought.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 12, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> @Murrmurr I had a thought about your situation and have no ideal if it will be successful or not.  As the twins grow older and Collin continues to see you, there might be a problem that arises.  The twins might become jealous of Collin’s special grandpa and that might put pressure on the family for the visits to end.
> 
> This is just a thought, as I’ve never very been in your situation.  Have you considered offering to babysit the twins as well?  Is that even possible?  Would you be able to “handle” all three together for a short period of time?  Plus if the children had to be removed again, the agency would try to place all of them together.  Would you even want all three?
> 
> ...


Thanks, Aneeda
I have thought about that...all of it. No, I couldn't handle all 3 if they were to need placement again, and I think that could happen - Tara's mom/Collin's grandmother told me that the father brought a 12pk of beer with them on Christmas Eve. There is thisr issue; they now live in a different county, so I think CPS would look at that community first. If they can't find someone to take all 3 in there, they MIGHT call me, but I think only after they exhaust their resources.

When Tara brings Collin over and when she drops him off, I make a point of taking a few minutes so say hello to the twins. They smile and say Hi. When Collin caught sight of me at his gramma's on Christmas Eve, I did go inside for a while to pick up and hug each twin and say Merry Christmas. 

I could "sit" all 3 of them here if Michelle helps. Alone, I doubt it..maybe for an hour or two tho. The twins are pretty wild, and I suspect Collin is as wild when all 3 are together. But Michelle would be happy to babysit them with me. I'll give this some thought, talk to Michelle, and maybe offer to babysit sometime.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 12, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I doubt it was the much to do with the specific boy as it was any teenaged girls emotional makeup.  My niece wore black as well as a teenager, but my brother and SIL wouldn’t listen. She just going through a phrase, they said.  She also attempted suicide.  They sent her away, to an out of state psyche hospital, God forgive their friends find out.
> 
> My daughter moved in with a fellow when she turned 18 and most of her life asked me “how could I let her do that.”  I replied “how could I stop you?“ Just wait and see I said frequently.  Well, sadly, she saw, that teenagers cannot be stopped from doing what they do. Now she has adopted her granddaughter.
> 
> I am glad your daughter is fine and your relationship is great.  It’s the same with my niece and my daughter.  Unfortunately, children and adults must just get through what they need to get through.


It was a rough period. I pretty much let Maud do her thing but worried every second, and I still had rules, curfew and clean rooms and such. Her mother died when she was young so I wondered if that was it, then I met her friends. We were close, then suddenly not, then close off-and-on, she hated me, she loved me, gave Dad the silent treatment, came crying to Daddy. All that could happen in one day...one hour! It was exhausting.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 12, 2021)

One thing Maud never did was argue with me. She talked, she'd try to reason with me, but we never argued. I think that was unique at the time. Oh, jeez, I remember my heart sinking to my stomach when she cut off her gorgeous long hair. But after the shock wore off, it actually looked pretty cute.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 12, 2021)

To brighten a crummy day (maybe yours too) more cute kids; my grt-grandson and other grt-granddaughter who live in Kentucky.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 14, 2021)

Ariel: Hey, grampa, I’m gonna be in there making up a stupid song so I’m gonna be sounding totally stupid, so please ignore it.

Me: Oh honey, I learned to ignore that a long time ago.


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## Aunt Marg (Jan 14, 2021)

So wonderful!

Hugs to you all, Mur!


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## Murrmurr (Jan 14, 2021)

Oh man, this kid kills me 

Ariel: Grampa, there's a dead moth on the wall. It's on the wall. Dead. How? Why is there a dead moth *on* your wall?
Me: Because none of his women-folk showed up.
Ariel (sadly): Aww-w. (a second later) Wait, what?


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## Murrmurr (Jan 15, 2021)

Collin's here till Monday. Yay!


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## Aunt Bea (Jan 15, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Collin's here till Monday. Yay!


Perfect time for Grampa to rustle up a memory!


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## MarciKS (Jan 15, 2021)

Have you ever noticed that wienie to beanie ratio is never right. I always end up with more beans. I hate that.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 15, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> Have you ever noticed that wienie to beanie ratio is never right. I always end up with more beans. I hate that.


That's why I make my own.


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## hollydolly (Jan 15, 2021)

**


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## MarciKS (Jan 15, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> That's why I make my own.


i do too but i can never get the ratio to work out.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 15, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> i do too but i can never get the ratio to work out.


How big is that can of beans??


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## MarciKS (Jan 16, 2021)

gigantic


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## Murrmurr (Jan 18, 2021)

Tara will be picking up Collin this evening and he knows it. He said several times today "Mama working". That's the excuse he hears when he wants to visit someone but he can't because they're at work. He doesn't understand what working is, he just reasons that if his mom is working then she can't come and get him. Anyway, I told him his mom works at home and her work is taking care of him and his brother and sister; cooking for him, giving him a bath, reading to him.... He liked that. It made him giggle and blush.

He still cries every time I mention that his mom is coming today (like during phone calls) but he used to cry for 15-20 minutes straight. Now he stops within 5 or 6 minutes. So, this tells me he knows that going home is part of the visit, but he’s bummed about it. Also that he trusts he will visit again. Hopefully, he can always trust that.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 21, 2021)

Max asked me to write mom's obituary. 

Full name of the deceased
Nickname (if any)
Date of death 
Age at death
City, State of residence 
Briefly summarize the story of or notable events in the person's life
Briefly, ey? Well that won't be easy. How unpleasant.

If she were here, she'd say "Just tell a joke."
I'm tempted.


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## Jules (Jan 21, 2021)

Tell many jokes.  You can find them and intersperse them with some facts. Say goodbye as Mom would have wished.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 24, 2021)

On Monday the 11th Collin had his first day at preschool. Tara said he came home happy and full of stories about it. So on Tuesday he was anxious to go to school and reluctant to leave. But on Wednesday he came home quiet and pouty, and on Thursday he didn’t want to go to school at all, but Tara took him anyway. That day, he had a meltdown at school, cause unknown, and Friday he got in a bit of a scuffle with another kid over a toy and got lectured about sharing, something he’s heard at home quite a lot because he now has 2 younger siblings, and the rule at home is “all for all”. There’s no mine and yours, there’s only ours.

I believe a child who’s nearly 3 should have a few things of their own. Things they are responsible for, that they can _choose_ to share or not. Choosing to share is quite meaningful. Generally, it makes you feel good even at that age. You learn kindness from that, and you feel good about yourself. Being forced to share isn’t meaningful at all, it makes you feel bullied and coerced. And ownership of things gives a kid a sense of control and power over something in their life, and he can learn about those things, too, which circles back around to responsibility – like the saying, with power comes responsibility.

Tara wants Collin to be a big boy but she’s not giving him the tools, or more accurately, in light of his age, she’s not offering the path to discovering those tools. He needs that to become a big boy, which she keeps telling him he is. With no rudimentary knowledge about responsibility and power and control, he’ll just stay a baby, one who cries to get what he wants and takes things away from others and fights over things mindlessly.

So, starting sometime next month, Collin will begin seeing a therapist.


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## MarciKS (Jan 24, 2021)

Why does HE have to see the therapist for HER shortcomings? God that's just so unfair!


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## Pepper (Jan 24, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> Why does HE have to see the therapist for HER shortcomings? God that's just so unfair!


If Collin is helped, that is the main consideration.  Think of it as Al Anon--he will learn to deal with mom's mishegas.


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## MarciKS (Jan 24, 2021)

Pepper said:


> If Collin is helped, that is the main consideration.  Think of it as Al Anon--he will learn to deal with mom's mishegas.


I get that Pepper. What I don't understand is why MOM doesn't have to take some kind of parenting classes for her failings. Why does the child always have to pay the price? You know? If she wants those kids so badly she needs to be the one to learn how to take care of them. A 3 yo shouldn't be held responsible for all of it by himself. He's been through enough. He's 3! He shouldn't have to be a big boy at 3 for crying out loud.


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## Aunt Bea (Jan 24, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> On Monday the 11th Collin had his first day at preschool. Tara said he came home happy and full of stories about it. So on Tuesday he was anxious to go to school and reluctant to leave. But on Wednesday he came home quiet and pouty, and on Thursday he didn’t want to go to school at all, but Tara took him anyway. That day, he had a meltdown at school, cause unknown, and Friday he got in a bit of a scuffle with another kid over a toy and got lectured about sharing, something he’s heard at home quite a lot because he now has 2 younger siblings, and the rule at home is “all for all”. There’s no mine and yours, there’s only ours.
> 
> I believe a child who’s nearly 3 should have a few things of their own. Things they are responsible for, that they can _choose_ to share or not. Choosing to share is quite meaningful. Generally, it makes you feel good even at that age. You learn kindness from that, and you feel good about yourself. Being forced to share isn’t meaningful at all, it makes you feel bullied and coerced. And ownership of things gives a kid a sense of control and power over something in their life, and he can learn about those things, too, which circles back around to responsibility – like the saying, with power comes responsibility.
> 
> ...


A therapist after only 5 days on a new job? 

I'm thankful that I grew up in a world where it was normal for little kids to get into a few scrapes and scuffles while adjusting to a new routine.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 24, 2021)

Aunt Bea said:


> A therapist after only 5 days on a new job?
> 
> I'm thankful that I grew up in a world where it was normal for little kids to get into a few scrapes and scuffles while adjusting to a new routine.


Yeah, they'll have him on ritalin by next Wed. 

Jeez, jeez, jeez, I hope not. I know that the preschool people asked Tara about his behavior at home and she told them how he comes here fairly regularly to stay a few days because he's very attached to me and so we're trying to transition him and all that. The therapist will be a state employee, basically; free to Tara, so one can only hope (beyond chance) that it's a well educated, intuitive, well practiced therapist but odds are it'll be a 20-something person, practically fresh out of a 90-day training program after maybe two semesters of Humanities or Social Studies at a community college who will arrive with a state-provided script and checklist in his or her folding briefcase. 

At least it won't be Zoom therapy over a phone. At least this person will see his face and his mannerisms and, I hope to God, can read them. And it won't surprise me if it's suggested that he start spending less time here; that he's weaned off the comfort he gets here and starts facing reality. And maybe that's not a bad thing. It's a lot for someone who isn't even 3 yet, but the state is notorious for damaging kids by just dropping them into stark realities, so it's not unexpected that that's what they'll do.


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## Pepper (Jan 24, 2021)

You're like the true mother in the King Solomon story, murr.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 24, 2021)

Pepper said:


> If Collin is helped, that is the main consideration.  Think of it as Al Anon--he will learn to deal with mom's mishegas.


Pepper! Yiddish?  



Pepper said:


> You're like the true mother in the King Solomon story, murr.


I feel like it sometimes. Just keep him whole!


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## Pepper (Jan 24, 2021)

Yes, I am teaching you Yiddish, @Murrmurr in honor of your mother.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 24, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> Why does HE have to see the therapist for HER shortcomings? God that's just so unfair!


True, Tara's the one who messed up, but Collin's the one who's feeling everything. It scares me that these state therapists are under-educated and don't have a lot of experience, so getting one with acumen is a crapshoot.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 24, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> I get that Pepper. What I don't understand is why MOM doesn't have to take some kind of parenting classes for her failings. Why does the child always have to pay the price? You know? If she wants those kids so badly she needs to be the one to learn how to take care of them. A 3 yo shouldn't be held responsible for all of it by himself. He's been through enough. He's 3! He shouldn't have to be a big boy at 3 for crying out loud.


She did schlepp through a parenting course...provided by the state, at the state-funded rehab place. One day a week for 6 weeks, a total of 12 hours, I imagine. She earned a pin (or badge or whatever).


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 24, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> On Monday the 11th Collin had his first day at preschool. Tara said he came home happy and full of stories about it. So on Tuesday he was anxious to go to school and reluctant to leave. But on Wednesday he came home quiet and pouty, and on Thursday he didn’t want to go to school at all, but Tara took him anyway. That day, he had a meltdown at school, cause unknown, and Friday he got in a bit of a scuffle with another kid over a toy and got lectured about sharing, something he’s heard at home quite a lot because he now has 2 younger siblings, and the rule at home is “all for all”. There’s no mine and yours, there’s only ours.
> 
> I believe a child who’s nearly 3 should have a few things of their own. Things they are responsible for, that they can _choose_ to share or not. Choosing to share is quite meaningful. Generally, it makes you feel good even at that age. You learn kindness from that, and you feel good about yourself. Being forced to share isn’t meaningful at all, it makes you feel bullied and coerced. And ownership of things gives a kid a sense of control and power over something in their life, and he can learn about those things, too, which circles back around to responsibility – like the saying, with power comes responsibility.
> 
> ...


I am glad Collin is going to see a therapist so many pluses to this.  

Different families have different rules, so toys for all is fine IMO.  I would support the rules Collin has at his house, and continue with different rules at his home with you.  But keep in mind, in this situation, your opinion matters very little.  Just like my opinion matters very little.  After all this situation, all for all, is real life in the real world.  As in preschool or in a divorce situation, where you learn that everything is everyones.  

Not everyone can afford separate toys for each child, and at this age it’s probably best.  I am sure Collin likes to play with the toys of the twins.  What if he complained all the time that the twins wouldn’t let him play with their toys?  What would you say then?

If Collin senses your disproved of mom and her rules, this could cause a problem.  Just my opinion.  The therapist will learn about his family life with mom and his family life with you.  But you must be prepared in case the therapist decides he should not see you, if the therapist decides your relationship is an issue.  I think mom would fight hard to keep you for her own reasons, free babysitting.  But there is a risk here IMO.

But I have no ideal what the therapist will say.  This situation you have would never be permitted in the two states I have done foster care in.

My granddaughter former great granddaughter has had lots of intervention and attends preschool as well.  (That is where she caught covid).  She just got retested and is still 9 months behind in all areas.  Collin hopefully will get testing to see if he has, indeed, lost ground by being with mom, gained ground, or stayed the same.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 24, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Yeah, they'll have him on ritalin by next Wed.
> 
> Jeez, jeez, jeez, I hope not. I know that the preschool people asked Tara about his behavior at home and she told them how he comes here fairly regularly to stay a few days because he's very attached to me and so we're trying to transition him and all that. The therapist will be a state employee, basically; free to Tara, so one can only hope (beyond chance) that it's a well educated, intuitive, well practiced therapist but odds are it'll be a 20-something person, practically fresh out of a 90-day training program after maybe two semesters of Humanities or Social Studies at a community college who will arrive with a state-provided script and checklist in his or her folding briefcase.
> 
> At least it won't be Zoom therapy over a phone. At least this person will see his face and his mannerisms and, I hope to God, can read them. And it won't surprise me if it's suggested that he start spending less time here; that he's weaned off the comfort he gets here and starts facing reality. And maybe that's not a bad thing. It's a lot for someone who isn't even 3 yet, but the state is notorious for damaging kids by just dropping them into stark realities, so it's not unexpected that that's what they'll do.


I think this might happen.  Had not read this before my other post.  The situation might be very confusing for Collin as you are starting to recognize.  You are becoming more and more attached and perhaps more and more judgmental of mom.  

My question is, if you became a judgmental person in the way your biological grandchildren were being raised, as many people are, how would the relationship go?  Not good I would guess.  So are your feelings towards mom bleeding over and causing Collin issues?  Ask yourself are you the issue?  Only you know the answer.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 24, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I am glad Collin is going to see a therapist so many pluses to this.
> 
> Different families have different rules, so toys for all is fine IMO.  I would support the rules Collin has at his house, and continue with different rules at his home with you.  But keep in mind, in this situation, your opinion matters very little.  Just like my opinion matters very little.  After all this situation, all for all, is real life in the real world.  As in preschool or in a divorce situation, where you learn that everything is everyones.
> 
> ...


At least in front of Collin, I'm very supportive with his mom. I wish she was open to my advice and suggestions, but she just isn't, so I have to roll with that. But I do want Collin to view Tara and I as friends and sort of co-parents...maybe not co-parents, but I make certain he sees us working together for his benefit.

I do disagree about the toy situation. If Collin is the big boy/big brother then I think he deserves a piece of property, a big-boy toy that gets put up where the little ones can't reach it, that he gets to play with on his own from time to time, maybe when his dad is there and it's something he and dad can play with together. An age-appropriate remote-control car would be ideal. He has one.

The CPS worker Collin had here in Sac County did not approve of him visiting me. The one he has in the county where he lives does. Moreover, the family court judge is the one who suggested it. So Collin got lucky there. But I am braced for the therapist to advise weaning Collin off the long visits, dwindling it down to a couple hours a couple days a week or something like that. But the county Tara lives in allows the parent a lot of room to decide things like that, like who can visit and for how long, so I expect I will have him for extended periods at least now and then for some time to come.


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## RadishRose (Jan 24, 2021)

Good grief, he's not even 3! A toddler, yet.

Why does he need therapy?


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## Murrmurr (Jan 24, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I think this might happen.  Had not read this before my other post.  The situation might be very confusing for Collin as you are starting to recognize.  You are becoming more and more attached and perhaps more and more judgmental of mom.
> 
> My question is, if you became a judgmental person in the way your biological grandchildren were being raised, as many people are, how would the relationship go?  Not good I would guess.  So are your feelings towards mom bleeding over and causing Collin issues?  Ask yourself are you the issue?  Only you know the answer.


I've been very careful about this. Tara is clinically narcissistic (my opinion), so she always feels judged, and I'm aware of that and stay neutral when we talk. I want Collin to feel that she and I cooperate, and that I like his mom. And honestly, I don't dislike her. She seems genuinely concerned about him, and seems to want to help him. But she's hurt that he acts like he doesn't love her...she's told me that, with tears in her eyes. So, she's got it rough, too, and I don't ever forget that.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 24, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> Good grief, he's not even 3! A toddler, yet.
> 
> Why does he need therapy?


The preschool decided he does. (more money for the state)
I can only hope he gets something out of it.


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## Lara (Jan 24, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> Good grief, he's not even 3! A toddler, yet.
> 
> Why does he need therapy?


Because he lives in California...as the say "The land of the fruits and nuts"   ...just joking


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## Murrmurr (Jan 24, 2021)

Lara said:


> Because he lives in California  ...just joking


That's pretty accurate, actually.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 24, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> The preschool decided he does. (more money for the state)
> I can only hope he gets something out of it.


All three of my great granddaughter are in therapy for various reason.  One started at 2 and the other at 3. (The 2 years old life was very complicated until grandma adopted her at Christmas, .

One of them was pulling her hair out, which has stopped since therapy.  She is non-binary and while we are support her and could care less how she dresses, I think school was/is a stressful situation for a girl who dresses and looks like a boy.  She started this when she was 5.


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## Pepper (Jan 24, 2021)

We used to say "tomboy" remember that, @Aneeda72 ?


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## Murrmurr (Jan 24, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> All three of my great granddaughter are in therapy for various reason.  One started at 2 and the other at 3. (The 2 years old life was very complicated until grandma adopted her at Christmas, .
> 
> One of them was pulling her hair out, which has stopped since therapy.  She is non-binary and while we are support her and could care less how she dresses, I think school was/is a stressful situation for a girl who dresses and looks like a boy.  She started this when she was 5.


My sister was a tom-boy. No surprise with 4 older brothers whose friends were also boys. People these days make too much of stuff like that. There's a lady who lives here who dresses like a man. Turns out she's been dressing that way ever since she was violently raped. You never know a person's reasons unless they tell you. People are too quick to judge these days, and to pigeon-hole people who do things considered out of *normal range* or whatever.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 24, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> At least in front of Collin, I'm very supportive with his mom. I wish she was open to my advice and suggestions, but she just isn't, so I have to roll with that. But I do want Collin to view Tara and I as friends and sort of co-parents...maybe not co-parents, but I make certain he sees us working together for his benefit.
> 
> I do disagree about the toy situation. If Collin is the big boy/big brother then I think he deserves a piece of property, a big-boy toy that gets put up where the little ones can't reach it, that he gets to play with on his own from time to time, maybe when his dad is there and it's something he and dad can play with together. An age-appropriate remote-control car would be ideal. He has one.
> 
> The CPS worker Collin had here in Sac County did not approve of him visiting me. The one he has in the county where he lives does. Moreover, the family court judge is the one who suggested it. So Collin got lucky there. But I am braced for the therapist to advise weaning Collin off the long visits, dwindling it down to a couple hours a couple days a week or something like that. But the county Tara lives in allows the parent a lot of room to decide things like that, like who can visit and for how long, so I expect I will have him for extended periods at least now and then for some time to come.


Yeah, not co-parents, never co-parents, wrong thinking.  IMO.  Grandfather would be a fitting title and you might ask Tara about that, if he can call you grandpa.  This makes sense in the world of children.

Grandparents have different rules, different methods of child raising, and grandparents are in the multiples which would go along with his peers situations.  In a normal marriage, there are four sets of grandparents, in a blended marriage there are 8 sets of grandparent.

Then there are foster grandparents at schools, children hospitals, etc.  Grandparents never end, and then great grandparents.  You could present this to Tara and to the therapist and *become Collin’s grandfather and cement your relationship that way.*

What do you think?  A way to be there for forever.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 24, 2021)

Pepper said:


> We used to say "tomboy" remember that, @Aneeda72 ?


Yes we did, and they outgrew it or didn’t.  Too many rules in today’s society which seems to need to label everyone.


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## Pepper (Jan 24, 2021)

I like that @Aneeda72 !  Talking about 'Grandfather' role for Murr.  *I'm getting to lazy to say his full name, he's not NY NY*


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## Murrmurr (Jan 24, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Yeah, not co-parents, never co-parents, wrong thinking.  IMO.  Grandfather would be a fitting title and you might ask Tara about that, if he can call you grandpa.  This makes sense in the world of children.
> 
> Grandparents have different rules, different methods of child raising, and grandparents are in the multiples which would go along with his peers situations.  In a normal marriage, there are four sets of grandparents, in a blended marriage there are 8 sets of grandparent.
> 
> ...


He calls me uncle now, Uncle Frank (well, Unca Pwank). But I'll talk to Tara about it. Maybe it'll be confusing for him, idk, but it's something she can discuss with his therapist, too. Collin only has 1 grandfather, and sees him very rarely so it's hard to say if he would feel any connection to the title or role of Grandpa. I wish I'd have had him call me grandpa from the start. Probably would have been wise. In hindsight, it is.

As he's maturing, he's understanding more, and as he understands more, he can be more open to changes, like changes in titles and who's role is what - or even just to accept the roles people play in his life. Maybe as his understanding develops, I can be grandpa and that will be meaningful for him. I would like that very much.


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## Aunt Bea (Jan 24, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> The preschool decided he does. (more money for the state)
> I can only hope he gets something out of it.


I'm afraid that the only thing the poor kid will get is a label that will follow him for the rest of his life.

Very sad.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 24, 2021)

Aunt Bea said:


> I'm afraid that the only thing the poor kid will get is a label that will follow him for the rest of his life.
> 
> Very sad.


Brings up another point - if his mom would get a job or get a career started and get off welfare and state-dependency, Collin wouldn't be owned by the state, you know what I mean? California is especially enthusiastic about labels. Of course, that spills over into the public schools anyway, so I guess there's no escaping it for him. And I've dealt with this kind of crap before, when my daughter was in gradeschool. She has what they now call ADD. They didn't have a name for it back then. But now it's not a diagnosis it's a label. Not that it's not a real thing but it has become a widely used label. Or I should say _mis_label. Anyway I had to fight the school So many times to just let her be. She made straight As, aced all her tests and stuff. They just didn't like it that she twiddled her hair and fidgeted in her seat and whatnot. I didn't mind being called when she was disruptive, but they'd get their panties in a bunch over the stupidest stuff.

Oh well, she's a very successful, happy person now, so she showed them.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 24, 2021)

Aunt Bea said:


> I'm afraid that the only thing the poor kid will get is a label that will follow him for the rest of his life.
> 
> Very sad.


We all have labels and they change over the years.  It’s not a worry now.


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## MarciKS (Jan 24, 2021)

I'm sorry but no offense...she does not deserve that child. JMO


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## Murrmurr (Jan 24, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> I'm sorry but no offense...she does not deserve that child. JMO




I do wish she'd work on herself but I don't think she sees where she needs it. She acts like she thinks she's close to perfect, but maybe that's just a front.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 25, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I do wish she'd work on herself but I don't think she sees where she needs it. She acts like she thinks she's close to perfect, but maybe that's just a front.


I don’t remember how old she is, how old is she?


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## Murrmurr (Jan 25, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I don’t remember how old she is, how old is she?


I'm not sure but I think she said she's 24, somewhere around there. She might have said 26. Not more than that. 

I have mentioned her horrendous childhood. Her mom, Collin's grandma, was a heroin addict who's been clean for about 10 years now. About the same time she went into rehab, Tara found her father and went to live with him but he died of cancer shortly after, like within a year, and from what I gather Tara lived on the streets for a couple years rather than go back to live with her mother. They have only *sort of* patched things up, and Tara tends to not let the grandmother see the grandchildren as often as she wants to; doesn't want her kids around their grandmother much bc she was a horrible person to Tara until Tara was abt 15 and she doesn't yet trust her mother - there's all this unresolved resentment and animosity and it sometimes manifests as hatred. So there's that going on, too - this tug of war over grandma seeing the kids and Tara punishing her for a miserable childhood. 

So, yeah, Tara needs work. She's not a happy person bc she really needs to resolve these issues. This is why she gets my sympathy; I feel sorry for her and I wish she could find a quality therapist but, of course, there's no way she can afford that. The whole thing is heart-breaking all around.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 25, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I'm not sure but I think she said she's 24, somewhere around there. She might have said 26. Not more than that.
> 
> I have mentioned her horrendous childhood. Her mom, Collin's grandma, was a heroin addict who's been clean for about 10 years now. About the same time she went into rehab, Tara found her father and went to live with him but he died of cancer shortly after, like within a year, and from what I gather Tara lived on the streets for a couple years rather than go back to live with her mother. They have only *sort of* patched things up, and Tara tends to not let the grandmother see the grandchildren as often as she wants to; doesn't want her kids around their grandmother much bc she was a horrible person to Tara until Tara was abt 15 and she doesn't yet trust her mother - there's all this unresolved resentment and animosity and it sometimes manifests as hatred. So there's that going on, too - this tug of war over grandma seeing the kids and Tara punishing her for a miserable childhood.
> 
> So, yeah, Tara needs work. She's not a happy person bc she really needs to resolve these issues. This is why she gets my sympathy; I feel sorry for her and I wish she could find a quality therapist but, of course, there's no way she can afford that. The whole thing is heart-breaking all around.


Wow, it is heartbreaking and sounds like despite all her challenges she is trying her best to do her best.  When I hear these stories I always so torn because this could have been me if I had not recognized, early on, the danger I was in from my horrific childhood.  Such childhoods are so hard to overcome.

I let my mother have access to my children, but she actually did not want much access.  She was more interested in my brother’s kids.  I do find it amusing that his children give her the brush off, where my children talk about how much they would have done for her had she chosen a relationship with them.  But she still ignores them.  Stupid woman.

Like is so hard and so complicated and it can be so sad for some of us.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 25, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Wow, it is heartbreaking and sounds like despite all her challenges she is trying her best to do her best.  When I hear these stories I always so torn because this could have been me if I had not recognized, early on, the danger I was in from my horrific childhood.  Such childhoods are so hard to overcome.
> 
> I let my mother have access to my children, but she actually did not want much access.  She was more interested in my brother’s kids.  I do find it amusing that his children give her the brush off, where my children talk about how much they would have done for her had she chosen a relationship with them.  But she still ignores them.  Stupid woman.
> 
> Like is so hard and so complicated and it can be so sad for some of us.


What I want most for Collin is to learn healthy ways to cope, because, including _by proxy_, he'll have a lot to cope with. He's got a load to deal with now and he's not even 3. And, you know, this is just the beginning. And I can only focus on him bc I'm just one person but when you think about the millions of other kids in this very situation right now, it's overwhelming.


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## Jules (Jan 25, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> And I can only focus on him bc I'm just one person but when you think about the millions of other kids in this very situation right now, it's overwhelming


What I was thinking.  TG, Colin has you.  Many don’t have anyone. 

Even mothers or fathers with a good solid background have difficulties raising kids.  When I look back at myself at 25, boy oh boy, did I ever make mistakes.  Tara is trying, at least.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 25, 2021)

Jules said:


> What I was thinking.  TG, Colin has you.  Many don’t have anyone.
> 
> Even mothers or fathers with a good solid background have difficulties raising kids.  When I look back at myself at 25, boy of boy, did I ever make mistakes.  Tara is trying, at least.


I believe she is. It's unfortunate that she still puts her feelings first - she hasn't got her priorities straight - but she wants to do her best for them; she _is_ trying, she just doesn't even know how to begin unraveling her own past and her mixed up feelings about it. To me, that's the sad part because she's not much use to her kids if that doesn't get squared away. And how can it if she doesn't have the proper resource?


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 25, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I believe she is. It's unfortunate that she still puts her feelings first - she hasn't got her priorities straight - but she wants to do her best for them; she _is_ trying, she just doesn't even know how to begin unraveling her own past and her mixed up feelings about it. To me, that's the sad part because she's not much use to her kids if that doesn't get squared away. And how can it if she doesn't have the proper resource?


I feel you are overly pessimistic about her.  A lot of people in her life probably are and that makes it even worst for her.  Until you have walked in her shoes, you have no ideal how hard her life is.  And it’s million times harder than you think.

As far as unraveling her past, and mixed up feelings about it, hmm, that is rarely achieved, if ever.  I am 74, still have mixed feelings about my past, still haven’t unraveled a lot, and I will die without closure or completely understanding.  She is very young to have so much to deal with.  Give her the benefit of the doubt.

Try walking in her shoes.  Even if she loses the children again, she is trying her best; that’s all she can do.  Is try and try again.  That’s all anyone can do.  IMO, people are judging her too harshly.  Do not let your wanting Collin influence you, walk in her shoes. How do you think you would have done?


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## Murrmurr (Jan 25, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I feel you are overly pessimistic about her.  A lot of people in her life probably are and that makes it even worst for her.  Until you have walked in her shoes, you have no ideal how hard her life is.  And it’s million times harder than you think.
> 
> As far as unraveling her past, and mixed up feelings about it, hmm, that is rarely achieved, if ever.  I am 74, still have mixed feelings about my past, still haven’t unraveled a lot, and I will die without closure or completely understanding.  She is very young to have so much to deal with.  Give her the benefit of the doubt.
> 
> Try walking in her shoes.  Even if she loses the children again, she is trying her best; that’s all she can do.  Is try and try again.  That’s all anyone can do.  IMO, people are judging her too harshly.  Do not let your wanting Collin influence you, walk in her shoes. How do you think you would have done?


I'm not criticizing her, I feel sorry for her because I know she won't get the help she needs bc she can't, and I know she's an unhappy person and I truly wish she could be happy, especially since that would be obvious to the kids; it would spill over.

I'm too old to raise a child. I just want Collin to be healthy and happy. Tara is trying her best, I'm just saying it's unfortunate she doesn't have the kind of help she really needs. Right now I'm it, but I'm basically a bandaid, or more like a respite, and that's not gonna to cut it for the long haul. This will end at some point fairly soon, I'm sure.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 29, 2021)

These foot cramps have been waking me up every morning lately, anywhere from 3 to 6am. Man, they hurt. At least they don't last long. I figured out months ago that if I put on my shoes or hard-soled slippers and walk around for a few minutes and then sit in a firm chair, it goes away pretty quickly. I used to roll around in agony for 10 to 20 minutes. That still happens if I don't manage to get my shoes on quick enough, before my feet and toes start curling up. The pain is almost unbearable then.

It starts with a minor back spasm, then a feeling of extreme heat sort of drizzles down to my hip, like a little lava flow. Then the calf of my leg, or sometimes both legs start twitching and that's when I jump outa bed to put my shoes on, because what happens next is horrible cramps in my feet. They start curling weirdly, slowly turning sole-side up, and my toes bend backwards. Looks freaky and it's extremely painful. I was prescribed muscle relaxers for it but they don't work. I think that's because it's a nerve thing, not entirely a muscle thing.

But it stopped now, so I'm gonna go back to bed. Collin's coming to visit till Sunday. I went and bought us some water-based paint, brushes, and a couple of poster boards and a big sketch pad. He loves to draw and he's pretty good at it, but this will be his first experience with paint.


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## Pepper (Jan 29, 2021)

I have that same thing with my legs as you.  So did my mother.  It wasn't uncommon to hear her yell, in the middle of the night, "Charley Horse!"  I giggle just thinking about that!


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## Murrmurr (Jan 29, 2021)

Pepper said:


> I have that same thing with my legs as you.  So did my mother.  It wasn't uncommon to hear her yell, in the middle of the night, "Charley Horse!"  I giggle just thinking about that!


This isn't a charley horse, though. I get those occasionally but I used to get them a lot more when I played ball. This feels and looks totally different. The twitching in my calves is almost constant. That was tested, and it's a nerve firing off when it's not supposed to. The root of your leg nerves is in your back, so something's going on there at the source...pinched nerve or whatever. When my feet cramp up really bad they look like the feet of a person with palsy, all curled up and facing the wrong way. It's so painful, and makes me think people with palsy must be in constant horrible pain.


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## Pepper (Jan 29, 2021)

Yes, I've gotten that feet, esp. toes all curled up thing.  It's so scary looking.  My leg pain is from my lower back and..............god it sucks to be old!


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## Murrmurr (Jan 29, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Yes, I've gotten that feet, esp. toes all curled up thing.  It's so scary looking.  My leg pain is from my lower back and..............god it sucks to be old!


YES! Age probably has something to do with it (in my case) but also I had a very serious back injury about 25 years ago and I was born with a defect as well, a non-crippling type of spina bifida. That's why I couldn't enlist in the military. I was in great shape but failed the physical because of that defect. I didn't even know it was there until then.

Anyway, it's sure a drag that you get those foot cramps. The pain is so intense! If you still get them, try what I do, walk around in hard-soled shoes until it starts to subside and then sit on something firm. For me, it's my office chair, which is kind of old and the cushion is all flat. It cuts the pain by half and can make it stop within 10 minutes or so.


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## Murrmurr (Feb 1, 2021)

Had a nice weekend with Collin. His mom and I walked him to the door (I carried his bags) and when she said goodbye to him, it's the first time I ever saw him ask for a good-bye kiss. She looked thrilled.

As usual lately he seemed off-balance the first day and was kind of emotional but not as much as the last visit. I think that happens because he's forgotten the big picture of his life here, like our daily routines and my physical limitations, but he remembers details like his toys and where some things are kept (but not everything). So it's kind of new but at the same time it's very familiar and he has to reset.

Like, for the first hour or two he wants me to play games with him that I'm not familiar with, and usually it's a "chase me" type game, and I'm not so good at that. I can chase a few times and then I have to sit for a while, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do when I catch him, or even if I'm supposed to, and it's very obvious that he's disappointed and a little angry about that. Obviously these are games he plays at home, and he doesn't like it that I don't know them because, in his mind, I should know them. Because the one thing he hasn't forgotten is me. I'm still a constant in his life.

So anyway, I've been letting this first hour or two unfold. It tells me he's getting plenty of playtime at home that he's enjoying it very much. But then we make up a new game so that we both know the rules, and we play that for a while. And then I _was_ getting his puzzles or his art supplies out, and he'd sort of settle into that "old" routine, but never 100%, which was a little awkward for both of us. So this time I just let him choose what he wanted to do next. He gave me this car and had me sit over there, and he took that car and sat over there, and when he said Go, I sent my car toward him and he sent his car crashing into it. And we crashed our cars into each other for a good 20 minutes or so. Then he went straight to his books and sat in my lap for a read. 

Collin brings me the same book several times a day -_ Pete the Cat; Crayons Rock! _It's about this cool cat who draws and colors a lot, and one day he decides to draw and color a picture of each of his friends, and then gives them to each friend as a gift. But his friends see something wrong with every drawing; Grumpy Toad says Pete got the colors wrong, and Callie Cat said it's close but something's missing (her whiskers), and so on. It's a brutal experience, and Pete gets really discouraged and so in school the next day he refuses to draw. He has given up the crayons that used to rock his world. His friends suddenly have a change in their thinking (like magic, so we don't know the impetus behind this, other than Pete's resignation...bc it's a toddler book, I guess, but whatever) and they all tell Pete to just Be Him and do his crayon thing, and it doesn't matter if the product isn't perfect. And the friends all draw pictures of _Pete_ that day in class, and Pete draws his masterpiece; he draws his crayons.

I'm not sure what Collin's young mind makes of this story, but of the several books he has here, it's obviously his favorite.

Both his parents picked Collin up yesterday evening and his father talked to me for a bit. He got a job and he's obviously very proud about it. It's a good job, too, with Caltrans; Calif Dept of Transportation. He'll be working on bridges and highways and the pay is really decent. And they hire parolees. Also, he'll move in with Tara and the kids today. He finally got his case transferred to a parole officer in that county. 

This could mean that I won't have weekends with Collin anymore. Knowing this, I offered to babysit all 3 kids if the need arises, which could be the death of me (Collin will be 3 in June, the twins will be 2 in April), so I said "for 2 or 3 hours", and Tara said she just might take me up on that. 

Now that both his parents live with him, it's possible this was me and Collin's last weekend together, and it's feasible that I'll never see him again.


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## Pepper (Feb 1, 2021)

A thousand hugs.  (((Murr)))


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## Aneeda72 (Feb 1, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Yes, I've gotten that feet, esp. toes all curled up thing.  It's so scary looking.  My leg pain is from my lower back and..............god it sucks to be old!


Same for me


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## RadishRose (Feb 1, 2021)

You're his father!
Or am I mistaken?


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## Aneeda72 (Feb 1, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> You're his father!
> Or am I mistaken?


Mir was his foster father, now he’s a family friend


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## Murrmurr (Feb 1, 2021)

Pepper said:


> A thousand hugs.  (((Murr)))


Thanks, Pepper. It's bitter-sweet, you know? He has to move on, that's a given and it's happening. I only hope that years down the road, if he has any memories of me at all (which is doubtful) they'll be good ones. But they might be associated with the trauma of a sudden unwelcome change, and that's how "false memories" happen and those are usually creepy, so if that's going to be the case I'd really prefer he forget.

If I taught Collin only 1 thing in the 30 months he lived here, I hope it's that he's a lovable person, a person deserving of love. He'll go far with that.


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## Murrmurr (Feb 3, 2021)

Finally, mom's interment and graveside service is scheduled for the 10th, exactly a month after she passed. We're advised to keep the number of attendees to no more than 20, to wear masks and distance, except each household can group together. Hers will be the second of five funerals scheduled that day.


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## Kathleen’s Place (Feb 3, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> These foot cramps have been waking me up every morning lately, anywhere from 3 to 6am. Man, they hurt. At least they don't last long. I figured out months ago that if I put on my shoes or hard-soled slippers and walk around for a few minutes and then sit in a firm chair, it goes away pretty quickly. I used to roll around in agony for 10 to 20 minutes. That still happens if I don't manage to get my shoes on quick enough, before my feet and toes start curling up. The pain is almost unbearable then.
> 
> It starts with a minor back spasm, then a feeling of extreme heat sort of drizzles down to my hip, like a little lava flow. Then the calf of my leg, or sometimes both legs start twitching and that's when I jump outa bed to put my shoes on, because what happens next is horrible cramps in my feet. They start curling weirdly, slowly turning sole-side up, and my toes bend backwards. Looks freaky and it's extremely painful. I was prescribed muscle relaxers for it but they don't work. I think that's because it's a nerve thing, not entirely a muscle thing.
> 
> But it stopped now, so I'm gonna go back to bed. Collin's coming to visit till Sunday. I went and bought us some water-based paint, brushes, and a couple of poster boards and a big sketch pad. He loves to draw and he's pretty good at it, but this will be his first experience with paint.


I get foot crams, ankle cramps and leg cramps and you are right, they DO hurt!!!! .  I’m trying to drink a lot of water, they say that helps...and now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t think I’ve had any for a couple of months!  **looking desperately around for wood to knock on**. I havevavfriend who swears by some leg cramp ills that she takes...will have to ask again for the name of them. 
Have fun with Collin


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## Kathleen’s Place (Feb 3, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Finally, mom's interment and graveside service is scheduled for the 10th, exactly a month after she passed. We're advised to keep the number of attendees to no more than 20, to wear masks and distance, except each household can group together. Hers will be the second of five funerals scheduled that day.


Will be thinking of all of you. Glad you finally get to have the closure.  Will say a prayer for Mom too


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## Murrmurr (Feb 5, 2021)

Kathleen’s Place said:


> I get foot crams, ankle cramps and leg cramps and you are right, they DO hurt!!!! .  I’m trying to drink a lot of water, they say that helps...and now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t think I’ve had any for a couple of months!  **looking desperately around for wood to knock on**. I havevavfriend who swears by some leg cramp ills that she takes...will have to ask again for the name of them.
> Have fun with Collin


I'm positive the cramps in my feet are caused by a problem my lower back because there's a sequence - a minor back spasm, same spot every time (right side), then extreme heat runs from that spot to my right hip and burns there for a while - and I say "runs" because it feel like a lava flow. When I feel that burning sensation in my hip, I know those foot cramps are gonna start. I can sometimes stop it by shifting the position of my lower back and hips just slightly. If that doesn't work I get to my feet asap and start walking. But sometimes my right leg goes completely numb and I can't walk, I fall to the floor. But if all goes well I walk for a few minutes and then sit on something firm and the spasm, the heat, and the foot cramps stop within 10 minutes.

I wanna try this thing a friend told me - pour some rice into a pair of socks about half full and shove another pair inside. When the cramps start, heat the socks in a microwave and put them on. So, your feet are in the inside pair of socks and the heated rice is between that pair and the other pair. Quickly shift the rice around so your entire foot and both ankles get heat, put on an oversized pair of slippers and relax. She said this works great for her.


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## hollydolly (Feb 5, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I'm positive the cramps in my feet are caused by a problem my lower back because there's a sequence - a minor back spasm, same spot every time (right side), then extreme heat runs from that spot to my right hip and burns there for a while - and I say "runs" because it feel like a lava flow. When I feel that burning sensation in my hip, I know those foot cramps are gonna start. I can sometimes stop it by shifting the position of my lower back and hips just slightly. If that doesn't work I get to my feet asap and start walking. But sometimes my right leg goes completely numb and I can't walk, I fall to the floor. But if all goes well I walk for a few minutes and then sit on something firm and the spasm, the heat, and the foot cramps stop within 10 minutes.
> 
> I wanna try this thing a friend told me - pour some rice into a pair of socks about half full and shove another pair inside. When the cramps start, heat the socks in a microwave and put them on. So, your feet are in the inside pair of socks and the heated rice is between that pair and the other pair. Quickly shift the rice around so your entire foot and both ankles get heat, put on an oversized pair of slippers and relax. She said this works great for her.


or you could use a microwave  heat pad like this which can wrap around your whole foot....

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Original-M...ugstore&sprefix=heat+pad,drugstore,150&sr=1-3

sorry for the long link... this is amazon UK... hopefully you'll find something like it in the US


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## Lewkat (Feb 5, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Had a nice weekend with Collin. His mom and I walked him to the door (I carried his bags) and when she said goodbye to him, it's the first time I ever saw him ask for a good-bye kiss. She looked thrilled.
> 
> As usual lately he seemed off-balance the first day and was kind of emotional but not as much as the last visit. I think that happens because he's forgotten the big picture of his life here, like our daily routines and my physical limitations, but he remembers details like his toys and where some things are kept (but not everything). So it's kind of new but at the same time it's very familiar and he has to reset.
> 
> ...


I don't think at this stage of the game, Tara will cut you off from Collin completely, Murr.  I think she may realize you are like his grandfather now and will want him to spend time with you.  If they can keep their lives turned around, that is.


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## Murrmurr (Feb 6, 2021)

Driving around with 10yr-old Ariel today

Grampa, is it okay if I say a dirty word?
You mean now? Sure go 'head.
Sh!t.
Sh!t, what?
What?
Well... I mean what ...why'd you say sh!t just now?
Because you told me I could.
Well yeah, but what was the reason?
Grampa, there IS no reason for dirty words.

Touche, Ariel


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## Murrmurr (Feb 11, 2021)

Collin will be here tomorrow to stay the weekend. It's been a couple weeks, just about. So, yay, that _wasn't_ his last weekend here.

The timing is kind of uncanny because I've been in quarantine since Feb 6 when I ...well, here's what went down; On the 6th I went to get the covid vaccine at our medical university clinic here, and they were screening everyone with the rapid covid test about an hour before giving us the vaccine. My test was positive for covid, so I was sent home and advised to quarantine until they could do an actual test (rather than a screening) there at their lab. 

So, hard as it was, and even with masks and evrything I chose not to go to my mother's funeral yesterday. Well, I haven't gone _anywhere_ since the 6th.

Anyway, Tara took the kids (Collin and the twins) to put flowers on my mom's grave this morning, just out of respect for my mom (and for me I s'pose) and then she called me after she got home to ask if I wanted Collin this weekend. She said she wished she would have called while they were at the cemetery because it's only about 20 minutes from my place (they live over an hour away). But I would have had to say No at that time because of the positive covid test. But it just so happened that right around the time Tara and the kids got home from the cemetery, my doctor called to tell me the first test was a false positive. Two re-tests (different from the rapid test) were both negative for covid-19. 

So because Tara waited, her call came after the doctor's did, so I could say Yes! Bring him over!


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## Jules (Feb 11, 2021)

Good news on both counts - no Covid and you have Collin for the weekend.


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## Pepper (Feb 11, 2021)

That was incredibly wonderful of Tara to visit your mom, put flowers, take the kids with her to the cemetery.  What a lovely thing to do--special.


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## Murrmurr (Feb 11, 2021)

Pepper said:


> That was incredibly wonderful of Tara to visit your mom, put flowers, take the kids with her to the cemetery.  What a lovely thing to do--special.


I thought so, too. Very gracious. When she does stuff like that it makes me hopeful.


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## Murrmurr (Feb 11, 2021)

Jules said:


> Good news on both counts - no Covid and you have Collin for the weekend.


I was sure it was an incorrect result, but still a relief to hear it from the Dr.


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## Kathleen’s Place (Feb 11, 2021)

How sweet of Tara to do that!!!!  That says a whole lot about her, I think, and maybe there IS hope that she is going in the right direction.  Says a lot about how she feels about you too


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## Murrmurr (Feb 16, 2021)

It was another great weekend with Collin. He didn't have school on Monday so he stayed 4 days this time, Fri-Mon. The problem with staying that long is it's even worse when he has to go...or that's what I expected, anyway. And, as usual, when his mom text to say she was pulling in, Collin started crying and telling me he didn't want to go. Every time my phone made a sound that day, he cried because he figured it was his mom. Whenever it's her who comes to the door to collect him, he's inconsolable, but when it's his father he cries but he calms down pretty well by the time they get to their car. Fortunately it was his dad this time.

Collin likes his dad. He loves his mom, he's told me so, and he tells her too, but he likes his dad's company. Mom is always busy with the other kids and all that and Collin doesn't like it. That's an assumption on my part, but I never see signs of abuse or neglect, and I know what it's like to have 3 little ones under one roof. Collin is obviously unhappy with his general situation but he's growing like a weed, still has a sense of humor, plays with his toys and stuff like always and is as inquisitive as ever, so I'm sure no abuse is happening. But some months ago, after his dad told him to stop crying because he's a "big boy", I told the dad that if he expected Collin to act like a big boy, he needed to treat him like one - take him on exploration hikes and do simple projects and chores with him _alone_, without the younger siblings. 

And he took my advice! 

Tara complained about it for a while, getting on the father's case for not including the twins and "playing favorites". But the guy stuck with it. Apparently it sounded reasonable and right to him. And it's apparent that Collin really enjoys their father-son time.

Collin likes to tickle my beard. It's white (all white now) and short. His father has a huge, thick black beard that's almost mid-chest length. Collin sticks both hands right up in there when his dad carries him.


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## Murrmurr (Feb 20, 2021)

So it turns out I'm eligible for a decent chunk of change for having a dependent in 2020 if I file a tax form, so I did. 

I haven't filed a tax form since I started getting SSI and retired from working back in 2014 (or 2015, don't remember). Collin's parents told me that if I file a tax form I could get around $3K for being sole provider of Collin. I filed and sure enough, I got money! Closer to half the amount they told me, but he was my unrelated foster son so maybe that's why. Doesn't matter, I'll take it.

Now I'm thinking I should file retroactively for the years 2018 and 2019. Collin came to live with me on June 1st, 2018, so not sure that would be enough months in that year to qualify, but he lived here the whole year of 2019 (and until Nov in 2020, so apparently, 11 months is a year to the IRS).

I won't be penalized for filing late because I'm not required to file, and I wouldn't owe any back taxes. Also, for 2019 I might qualify for an additional COVID relief payment that I read about. If you had a minor dependent, you can get that one.

So I think I'll go to H&R Block or some place like that. I did the 2020 filing through TurboTax online but I don't know if I can retro-file with them. Haven't checked it out yet.


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## Murrmurr (Feb 25, 2021)

Ariel enjoying yerba matê with grampa.


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## Murrmurr (Feb 25, 2021)

It's been a couple weeks since Collin's come to visit. Seems a lot longer. He'll be here tomorrow and stay 'til Sunday. Yay!

My apartment has a split-personality. Before Collin arrives for his weekends I stow my pottery pieces and a collection of unusual candle holders (some of which are over 2ft tall) in my closet and switch em out for the large sized toys stored in there (like his racetrack & drums), rearrange my office desk so that the pointy, hurty stuff is out of reach, move the large kitchen knives from the drawer into a large vase up on the counter, reattach the bed-rail to my bed, set up the lighthouse night-light in the bedroom, and remove all the knobs from the kitchen range. Plus other little things I didn't think of right now. ...Oh! Secure the sewing area; needles, pins, scissors into a lock-box, unplug sewing machine, and also stow my tool bag under my bed.

Then everything goes back the way it was after he leaves, and this looks like a grown man's apartment again. I used to do more than that but he's good at staying out of cabinets and leaving the books and vinyl records alone now, and some other stuff too.


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## terry123 (Feb 25, 2021)

Love the picture!  Have a great time with Collin.


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## Pinky (Feb 26, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Ariel enjoying yerba matê with grampa.
> 
> View attachment 152044


She's going to be a heart-breaker!


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## Murrmurr (Mar 1, 2021)

Just as I got to the front of the building where I got the second covid vaccine today, George, my CPS worker, called to remind me we’re getting close to annual home inspection time, which I think is in April, and he asked me if I want to “move forward”; to keep being a foster parent and accept more kids. I reminded him how hard it was to lose Collin but I didn’t have to, he remembers. And then I told him that I was just about to go in and get the vaccine and I need to think about it anyway, so he said he’d call me back in about a week.

So while I was sitting there waiting to be called to an injection table I wondered why I didn’t just say no to George right away, and that got me thinking about the pros and cons of staying a foster parent.

Pros

I still have a crib
I can request infants only (they’re light and they don’t get up to much)
I’d be providing daddy/grandpa-style comfort and security to babies who need it
I got way ahead on classes and in-services (that's like banking time and inconvenience)
Extra income (it would stop-start and stop-start but it'd be useful)
Keeps me feeling vital
I won’t consider adoption, so there’s no question they’ll all wind up with their parent(s) or adoptive parent(s)

Cons

I’ll have to child-proof the apartment…again
A baby will be getting me up during the night (but sometimes I gotta get up anyway)
I’ll have to find a sitter for when I start acupuncture and physical therapy in a couple months
I gotta get a new infant car-seat (in fact, I gotta put the back seat back in)
This would probably rekindle Michelle’s foster home idea (I just really don’t wanna revisit it)
I won’t consider adoption, so there’s no question they’ll all wind up with their parent(s) or adoptive parent(s)

I thought the Cons list would be a lot longer but there’s probably a bunch of things I can’t think of right now. Top of that list should be that Collin still comes to spend the weekend 2 or 3 times a month, so I need to think about how it would be for him to see a baby here and to not have my undivided attention. If I encourage him to be part of it, it could help him be a “big boy”, and maybe a caring person. But on the other hand it could make him angry and resentful.

Well I’ve got a week to think about it.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 2, 2021)

After a good nap and a decent night's sleep, I talked to George @ CPS. I'm going to let my RF license expire. No more foster kids.


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## Jules (Mar 2, 2021)

Seems reasonable.  Dedicate your energy and love to Collin.


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## Pepper (Mar 2, 2021)

CPS was lucky to have you @Murrmurr .  My second adult job was in foster care and adoption.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 7, 2021)

On the 10th I'll be going for a consultation with an acupuncturist. I'm kind of excited about it. Or hopeful, I should say. And I might get back to regular physical therapy again in a month or two. Waiting for a phone call about that. That'll be rough because I stopped going soon after Collin moved in (babysitter problems), and when the pandemic hit I _couldn't_ go, and I wasn't doing my therapy exercises as often as I'm supposed to. In fact, for the past 4 months I haven't been doing much of anything. So we're probably going to have to start all over again.

Anyway, my regular doctor wants to see me after the acupuncture consultation, just because I haven't been in to see her since Aug 2020. I'm going to talk to her about my hands. They shake for a couple of hours every morning, and when I do anything that requires a little extra dexterity, they don't just shake, they make a sudden, jerky movement. Like while I was writing on an envelope this morning, my hand jerked and I had to get another envelope and start over.

I looked up "shaky hands in the morning". Pretty specific, but a lot of websites came up about exactly that. All of them said stuff like "Medical professionals believe the cause _may be_...". May be neurological. I figured that much and I don't have a degree in medicine. Another cause _could be_ medication, but I take very low doses of a pain medication that isn't on any of the lists I read. Still, I don't feel it will be a waste of time talking to the doctor about it. I want to talk to my spine doctor about it, too.


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## terry123 (Mar 8, 2021)

I know how it is to do your exercises on your own.  After PT I try to do them but its hard to do on your own.  I would let other things get in the way. Its a good idea to tell all your doctors about your hands. Its never a waste of time  keeping your doctors updated.  I "google" my new symptoms too and get frustrated at the different things that come up.  I make a list and take with me to my Doctor and he always says"you have been doing the "google" again".  He knows I do it and doesn't mind as he goes over each one with me.  So let us know how the appt on the 10th goes.  Hope you get some answers.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 8, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> On the 10th I'll be going for a consultation with an acupuncturist. I'm kind of excited about it. Or hopeful, I should say. And I might get back to regular physical therapy again in a month or two. Waiting for a phone call about that. That'll be rough because I stopped going soon after Collin moved in (babysitter problems), and when the pandemic hit I _couldn't_ go, and I wasn't doing my therapy exercises as often as I'm supposed to. In fact, for the past 4 months I haven't been doing much of anything. So we're probably going to have to start all over again.
> 
> Anyway, my regular doctor wants to see me after the acupuncture consultation, just because I haven't been in to see her since Aug 2020. I'm going to talk to her about my hands. They shake for a couple of hours every morning, and when I do anything that requires a little extra dexterity, they don't just shake, they make a sudden, jerky movement. Like while I was writing on an envelope this morning, my hand jerked and I had to get another envelope and start over.
> 
> I looked up "shaky hands in the morning". Pretty specific, but a lot of websites came up about exactly that. All of them said stuff like "Medical professionals believe the cause _may be_...". May be neurological. I figured that much and I don't have a degree in medicine. Another cause _could be_ medication, but I take very low doses of a pain medication that isn't on any of the lists I read. Still, I don't feel it will be a waste of time talking to the doctor about it. I want to talk to my spine doctor about it, too.


I have one shaky hand, cause unknown neurological according to doctor.  Really effects my writing and, like you, the harder I try to control it, the worst it gets.  I rarely write anything anymore.  Then the shaking spread to both my legs.  Mostly happens when I lay flat on my back.  Hard to get an EKG.  Sometimes it happens when I sit. 

Since I have spinal issues and neurological issues probably a combination of both.  But you can also get the shakes with low magnesium, really bad to the point that it seems like advanced Parkinson’s shakes.  I know cause this happened to me.  Have the doctor check your magnesium levels.  I have to take a lot of magnesium and am still low on it.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 8, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I have one shaky hand, cause unknown neurological according to doctor.  Really effects my writing and, like you, the harder I try to control it, the worst it gets.  I rarely write anything anymore.  Then the shaking spread to both my legs.  Mostly happens when I lay flat on my back.  Hard to get an EKG.  Sometimes it happens when I sit.
> 
> Since I have spinal issues and neurological issues probably a combination of both.  But you can also get the shakes with low magnesium, really bad to the point that it seems like advanced Parkinson’s shakes.  I know cause this happened to me.  Have the doctor check your magnesium levels.  I have to take a lot of magnesium and am still low on it.


Thanks Aneeda, I hadn't thought of blood chemistry. I eat lots of nuts and other mineral-packed foods, and my blood tests have always looked really good, but I think it's been at least several months since the last one. Also, I just haven't had much appetite lately. So I'll ask the doctor to order blood work. She usually does anyway, but I'll ask, and I can get it done right there at her lab same day.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 8, 2021)

terry123 said:


> I know how it is to do your exercises on your own.  After PT I try to do them but its hard to do on your own.  I would let other things get in the way. Its a good idea to tell all your doctors about your hands. Its never a waste of time  keeping your doctors updated.  I "google" my new symptoms too and get frustrated at the different things that come up.  I make a list and take with me to my Doctor and he always says"you have been doing the "google" again".  He knows I do it and doesn't mind as he goes over each one with me.  So let us know how the appt on the 10th goes.  Hope you get some answers.


Collin kept me pretty busy. After he started getting around pretty well I used to have him exercise with me, but I wasn't doing full sets and wasn't doing them all - I'd stop when he had enough. I tried to make up for it by taking him for walks every day, but yeah, I got totally side-tracked.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 10, 2021)

I went in for an acupuncture consultation this morning and Dr. Yoon went ahead and did the 1st treatment. I had to lie on my stomach while he stuck the needles in, and then lie there for 30 minutes. Normally, I can't lie flat on my stomach for very long, but he made sure my back didn't arch so it wasn't a problem. In addition to the (painless) needles, I had a heat lamp on my back the whole time. That felt great! So now, if I have less pain, I'm going to wonder if it was the needles or the 30-minutes of localized heat.

Anyway, I'm supposed to go back in a week or 2 (they'll call) for the 2nd treatment and he asked for detailed feedback so I'm gonna keep a log, otherwise I won't have much for him in the way of details.


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## Kathleen’s Place (Mar 10, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I went in for an acupuncture consultation this morning and Dr. Yoon went ahead and did the 1st treatment. I had to lie on my stomach while he stuck the needles in, and then lie there for 30 minutes. Normally, I can't lie flat on my stomach for very long, but he made sure my back didn't arch so it wasn't a problem. In addition to the (painless) needles, I had a heat lamp on my back the whole time. That felt great! So now, if I have less pain, I'm going to wonder if it was the needles or the 30-minutes of localized heat.
> 
> Anyway, I'm supposed to go back in a week or 2 (they'll call) for the 2nd treatment and he asked for detailed feedback so I'm gonna keep a log, otherwise I won't have much for him in the way of details.


Yay!!!!. Glad today’s treatment worked and will keep fingers crossed for a long term affect.   Wouldn’t that be wonderful if this works out???


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## Murrmurr (Mar 10, 2021)

Kathleen’s Place said:


> Yay!!!!. Glad today’s treatment worked and will keep fingers crossed for a long term affect.   Wouldn’t that be wonderful if this works out???


It'd be great! I'd love to be able to reduce my pain meds. That's my goal.


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## hollydolly (Mar 10, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> On the 10th I'll be going for a consultation with an acupuncturist. I'm kind of excited about it. Or hopeful, I should say. And I might get back to regular physical therapy again in a month or two. Waiting for a phone call about that. That'll be rough because I stopped going soon after Collin moved in (babysitter problems), and when the pandemic hit I _couldn't_ go, and I wasn't doing my therapy exercises as often as I'm supposed to. In fact, for the past 4 months I haven't been doing much of anything. So we're probably going to have to start all over again.
> 
> Anyway, my regular doctor wants to see me after the acupuncture consultation, just because I haven't been in to see her since Aug 2020. I'm going to talk to her about my hands. They shake for a couple of hours every morning, and when I do anything that requires a little extra dexterity, they don't just shake, they make a sudden, jerky movement. Like while I was writing on an envelope this morning, my hand jerked and I had to get another envelope and start over.
> 
> I looked up "shaky hands in the morning". Pretty specific, but a lot of websites came up about exactly that. All of them said stuff like "Medical professionals believe the cause _may be_...". May be neurological. I figured that much and I don't have a degree in medicine. Another cause _could be_ medication, but I take very low doses of a pain medication that isn't on any of the lists I read. Still, I don't feel it will be a waste of time talking to the doctor about it. I want to talk to my spine doctor about it, too.


Could it be benign Essential tremor ?... a couple of years ago for no reason whatsoever  I started having really bad shakes in my hands. I couldn't write properly, it was embarassing in public if I held up a cup or a glass, I'd be shaking so much I had to hold it with both hands.

I was worried it might be PD because that's what took my father... but it transpired that it was Benign essential tremor ( neurological disorder) .. It disappeared  on it's own after about 2 years...  I only get the shakes now if I've been gripping something hard like a heavy shopping bag...


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## Murrmurr (Mar 10, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> Could it be benign Essential tremor ?... a couple of years ago fro no reason whatsoever  I started having really bad shakes in my hands. I couldn't write properly, it was embarassing in public if I held up a cup or a glass, I'd be shaking so much I had to hold it with both hands.
> 
> I was worried it might be PD because that's what took my father... but it transpired that it was Benign essential tremor ( neurological disorder) .. It disappeared  on it's own after about 2 years...  I only get the shakes now if I've been *gripping something hard like a heavy shopping bag*...


To the part in bold; sometimes 2 of my fingers will stiffen and painfully seize-up while I'm sewing by hand. That passes after a few minutes but it sure hurts.

I got links to a couple of articles about benign essential tremor when I did a search, and yes, the symptoms match up almost 100%. And like everything else I found on the subject, the specific cause/mechanism is unknown and treatment results are limited. I was also concerned about it being a precursor to Parkinson's, but after doing some reading I'm a lot less concerned.

I'm glad you mentioned that your shakes disappeared after a couple years. I'll still talk to my doctor about it, but that's encouraging. Michelle told me to do warm soaks for my hands and she's been giving me hand massages. Not sure yet that's helping but they're awesome! They do help with the arthritis pain for a few hours. (inflammation is mostly around my rt. thumb & wrist)


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## hollydolly (Mar 10, 2021)

Well  it does sound almost exactly like my experience of BET... and also I have OA in a few of my fingers which didn't help either. 

I had exactly the same problem with the seizing up of fingers when gripping things, my 2 or 3 fingers would curl up towards my palm , and I would remark to hubs that I was ending up with old witchy hands.. but it was very painful...  ..like I say it eventually went on it's own, no treatment  ( I wish the OA would do the same thing)


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## Murrmurr (Mar 10, 2021)

Ok, this is weird - I've had no appetite for _months_. I've even lost weight. 2 hours after getting acu-punctured I'm freaking starving! Had a big fat sandwich and a tall green smoothie and I'm still poking around in the fridge. Wonder if there's a connection? Did Doctor Yoon open my stomach chi or what?


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## terry123 (Mar 10, 2021)

Good for you!  Enjoy that new found appetite.  Hope it lasts and you gain back some of your weight.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 16, 2021)

Saw my doctor this morning for the first time in quite a while. I told her about my jaw-clenching and loss of appetite. I've had to start wearing a belt and my shirts are a bit loose, so I knew I'd lost some weight. I'm about 13 pounds lighter than last time I was weighed. Not a whole lot, but my weight hasn't fluctuated by more than a few pounds for decades, and the thing is, I just don't feel hungry. Nothing looks or sounds appetizing, and it's just not worth the hassle of cooking, so I keep nuts and berries and bananas around, and yogurt for protein. But I'll sit down and eat when Michelle cooks for me. And when I told my doctor that part, she started asking questions about my mood and about stress and worry, and we talked about Collin and how his parents are drinking again, and according to his grandmother that's always led to the two of them fighting, and they both have a history of domestic violence. And somewhere in the conversation I admitted that I've been quite a bit more obsessed with house-keeping lately, getting really uncomfortable with dust, grabbing the sweeper every time I spot a freaking crumb on the floor or whatever.

Well, she prescribed Zoloft. I don't like drugs. In fact, after Collin was given back to his mother, I asked the doctor to cut my pain meds from 4 a day to 3 a day, and she did. But she said Zoloft will not only help with all the stuff we talked about, it will also probably increase my appetite and help me sleep better, too. She said it takes a few weeks to start working, and meanwhile I might feel kind of crappy. awesome 

Also she ordered blood and urine tests. I saw the results already, on my online chart. Blood looks really good but there's a load of calcium in my urine and I'm guessing - only guessing - that could mean a kidney stone is trying to form. I don't have any pain or anything, but she might decide to order some imaging. Or I could be totally wrong.


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## terry123 (Mar 17, 2021)

I don't like drugs either but give the zoloft a chance.  I took it years ago during a stressful situation and it helped me.  My doctor gave me the lowest amount  and even then I cut them in half.  Take the amount prescribed and give it some time.  Then you might want to see about a lower dose if there is one.  I only cut my pill in half when I got the okay from the doctor.  Also my daughter is a pharmacist so she monitors my meds closely when I have a question.  My doctor even calls her sometimes as he says they don't get the extensive training about drugs.  They effect everybody differently and you have to find what works for you,


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## Lara (Mar 17, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Ok, this is weird - I've had no appetite for _months_. I've even lost weight. 2 hours after getting acu-punctured I'm freaking starving! Had a big fat sandwich and a tall green smoothie and I'm still poking around in the fridge. Wonder if there's a connection? Did Doctor Yoon open my stomach chi or what?


I can't believe this. I haven't been following this thread but just now I posted, in the entertainment section about a documentary I'm watching on Amazon Prime. I left the documentary to take a break so I haven't yet finished it. Then I came directly here because it popped up on home page as a recent thread, and only read posts 184- thru 195 that are totally related to the research findings in this documentary.

I think I'm meant to share this with you. This is what I posted just minutes ago in the entertainment section for "Last Movie You Watched"...I hope you can find it.

"The Gut: Our Second Brain". This is unbelievable information. Totally fascinating. We have an entire eco system inside our gut. The brain and gut are very similar and communicate with each other.

For years, scientists have known about the existence of another brain within our bodies. Our stomach functions totally independently and does far more than digestion. It reigns over a spectacular colony of one hundred thousand billion bacteria that have a strong impact on our personalities. Some diseases of the brain like Parkinson's and Alzheimers could stem from the degeneration of intestinal neurons.

The Chinese are coupling acupuncture (around the navel) with hypnosis and having positive results with depression, etc etc.

I can't even begin to touch the surface on all the info in this documentary


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## Murrmurr (Mar 17, 2021)

Lara said:


> I can't believe this. I haven't been following this thread but just now I posted, in the entertainment section about a documentary I'm watching on Amazon Prime. I left the documentary to take a break so I haven't yet finished it. Then I came directly here because it popped up on home page as a recent thread, and only read posts 184- thru 195 that are totally related to the research findings in this documentary.
> 
> I think I'm meant to share this with you. This is what I posted just minutes ago in the entertainment section for "Last Movie You Watched"...I hope you can find it.
> 
> ...


Thank you, Lara. I don't have Amazon Prime but my son does, and I have other streaming channels, 2 of which are documentary channels, so I'll look for it. Sounds very interesting. My Dr didn't say my appetite and the acupuncture were associated, except to say that maybe I felt like eating because the acupuncture relieved my pain. The first treatment didn't relieved the pain, but maybe it's what caused me to feel so hungry. I only had my appetite back for a few hours. It'll be interesting to see if that happens after the next few treatments. I have 3 scheduled in April. And I'm going to ask the acupuncturist what _he_ thinks about this. Maybe he'll want to stick a few pins around my naval, too.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 17, 2021)

terry123 said:


> I don't like drugs either but give the zoloft a chance.  I took it years ago during a stressful situation and it helped me.  My doctor gave me the lowest amount  and even then I cut them in half.  Take the amount prescribed and give it some time.  Then you might want to see about a lower dose if there is one.  I only cut my pill in half when I got the okay from the doctor.  Also my daughter is a pharmacist so she monitors my meds closely when I have a question.  My doctor even calls her sometimes as he says they don't get the extensive training about drugs.  They effect everybody differently and you have to find what works for you,


My PCP knows how I feel about drugs, so she'll start with the lowest dose, but then you have to increase it each week until you find the sweet spot...somewhere between "I feel like killing myself" and "I want to sign up for clown-school".


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## timoc (Mar 17, 2021)

Lara said:


> I can't believe this. I haven't been following this thread but just now I posted, in the entertainment section about a documentary I'm watching on Amazon Prime. I left the documentary to take a break so I haven't yet finished it. Then I came directly here because it popped up on home page as a recent thread, and only read posts 184- thru 195 that are totally related to the research findings in this documentary.
> 
> I think I'm meant to share this with you. This is what I posted just minutes ago in the entertainment section for "Last Movie You Watched"...I hope you can find it.
> 
> ...


Message to Brian the 'brain' from Gary the 'gut'.

Oh yes, it's OK for you up there in your ivory tower barking out your orders, while I'm down here in this smelly bog squirting all manner of juices to keep this hulk of a body going, and you are letting the hulk chuck all manner of meat and veg down it's gob which land with an almight splosh right here on my domain, and the pong, pheeeeeew, no wonder I have to send out the occasional fart.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 25, 2021)

I haven't seen Collin since Feb 28th, when his mom picked him up at the end of his weekend stay. I figured I'd see less of him after his father finally got to move in with his mom, but I can't help worrying because I know they're drinking again. And the CPS worker in their county closed their case after only 2 visits.

I text Collin's mom and asked how is he, has he been less emotional, does he seem better adjusted to life with the family?

She hasn't answered. And she usually texts me on a Thursday when she wants to bring him over for the weekend, to ask if it's okay. But sometimes she doesn't ask until Friday, so I hope I hear from her tomorrow.


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## terry123 (Mar 25, 2021)

I would have thought she would have answered your texts.  Sounds strange also that CPS would close the case after only 2 visits.  But I hear all over how backed up they are but still does not sound right to me.
Hoping you hear something tomorrow!


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## Murrmurr (Mar 26, 2021)

Tara finally text me back.

"how is he, has he been less emotional, does he seem better adjusted to life with the family?"

She said no to all those. But he's doing good at preschool, doing really well with potty training, and is sleeping through the night in his own bed - he shares a room with his twin siblings who are 10 months younger and he'd been sleeping on the couch. He looks sad all the time, she said. He only smiles and laughs when she turns on some music and they all dance...something we used to do every morning for exercise. Other than that he doesn't interact with his family much. 

She said her and Collin's dad aren't always on the same page about what to do. His method is to take Collin out for father-son time an hour a day. Tara doesn't like that. She thinks it shows favoritism, makes the twins feel left out. I disagree, and I've told her that a couple times already but I didn't say anything this time, hoping she'd ask if I want him for the weekend. She didn't.

I told her if I thought of anything that might help I'd let her know. He likes to paint. I'll mention that to her later today, and I'll tell her he has art supplies here - paint, brushes, easel, etc.

I think Collin will just always be an unhappy person. Kills me.


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## terry123 (Mar 27, 2021)

Will it hurt anything to just ask for some time with him?  Maybe ask if he could spend Sunday with you and do some painting.  All she can say is "no".


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## RadishRose (Mar 27, 2021)

It feels dangerous to me that they're drinking again.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 27, 2021)

terry123 said:


> Will it hurt anything to just ask for some time with him?  Maybe ask if he could spend Sunday with you and do some painting.  All she can say is "no".


She said they had plans.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 27, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> It feel dangerous to me that they're drinking again.


After a 12-pack of beer, they start arguing. She knows how to push people's buttons and he has anger issues. 
This is not a good combination.


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## terry123 (Mar 27, 2021)

It sounds like  it will all come to an end soon.  Hopefully if it does you can get custody of Collin.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 27, 2021)

terry123 said:


> It sounds like  it will all come to an end soon.  Hopefully if it does you can get custody of Collin.


I talked to my CPS worker about that. Even though Collin's family lives in a different county, he said I will be the primary "Resource Family" (foster) if they have to find placement for the kids again, even if I let my license lapse.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 27, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I talked to my CPS worker about that. Even though Collin's family lives in a different county, he said I will be the primary "Resource Family" (foster) if they have to find placement for the kids again, even if I let my license lapse.


I'll add - the reason for that is because Collin's mom, Tara, told CPS that she considers me his uncle/her family. She has no other family and the father's family are all addicts or former addicts or have unstable homes. So as far as CPS is concerned, I'm now considered Tara's nearest *relative*.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 27, 2021)

My 13 year old grandson is spending the weekend with me. I'm supposed to make sure he gets caught up on his school work. He and his sister have been doing remote school all year and it hasn't gone well. The grandson's grades were always slightly above average and his sister was an A-B student. Both of them are failing this year.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 27, 2021)

terry123 said:


> It sounds like  it will all come to an end soon.  Hopefully if it does you can get custody of Collin.


I should add - the CPS in their county closed their case, so no home inspections and no monitoring the kids' behavior or requiring the parents go to couples counseling. And I'm guessing they stopped going, which is a good guess. So the only way CPS could take the kids again is if someone around there calls to report domestic violence or child abuse. Thing is, they live in a pretty remote area where everyone minds their own business. That adds another layer of scary to the situation.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 2, 2021)

Well, I'm off to get the grandkids, Kirk, 13, and Ariel, 10. I keep expecting them to feel too old to hang with grampa, but it ain't hap'nin'. They wanted to stay all weekend but I reminded them the Easter Bunny's coming Sunday morning. Apparently, their not too old for that, either, so I'll be taking them home tomorrow evening.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 9, 2021)

Collin will be here this afternoon to stay the weekend. After he gets kinda settled we'll go pick up Ariel, "little mama".

Looking forward to a fun weekend. Both me and Tara are hoping he'll do better when she comes to pick him up on Sunday. If leaving here is still too hard on him, I don't want to keep doing this - traumatizing him all over again, repeatedly. She said she talks to him about the whole deal; who I am, who his family is, how this all happened and all that; and she said he's understanding it a lot more. I sure hope so.


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## RadishRose (Apr 9, 2021)

Have fun @Murrmurr . I so hope leaving won't be so hard on him this time.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Apr 9, 2021)

@Murrmurr good luck and I hope you have a wonderful  time with Collin.
I have a cousin who spent his weekends with my family because of a messy divorce. It was hard on him going back home but he still talks about the fun weekends we all had together and it gave him something to look forward to during the week. 
Its hard being jostled around and its different for every child but as he begins to understand more he may look forward to the visits and will be happy that you are in his life and how much you love him.


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## Aunt Bea (Apr 9, 2021)

I think that in another year or so when Collin starts school much of this will go away and become routine for him.

Another thought might be to have you help him pack up and take him home after having a little Sunday afternoon outing on the way.
Nothing fancy or expensive a stop at a nearby park/playground, ice cream stand, McDonald's, etc...

The important thing is not to give up on him.

Good luck!


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## Murrmurr (Apr 9, 2021)

Aunt Bea said:


> I think that in another year or so when Collin starts school much of this will go away and become routine for him.
> 
> Another thought might be to have you help him pack up and take him home after having a little Sunday afternoon outing on the way.
> Nothing fancy or expensive a stop at a nearby park/playground, ice cream stand, McDonald's, etc...
> ...


Also, his younger siblings will seem (to him) closer in age. They've always followed him around wanting to play, the sister relentlessly trying to hug and hang onto him. After a month or so, he felt pestered. Coming here was getting away from that. Tara says he's been interacting with him more, and they haven't been shadowing him nearly as much. They turned 2 this month, and Collin will be 3 in June. I'm sure their relationship will just keep getting better. Until their teens. lol


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## Murrmurr (Apr 13, 2021)

Collin spent the weekend with me. He told me his mom is mean and he doesn’t love her. When she came to pick him up on Sunday, he cried and begged me to send her away…and when I say begged, I’m not exaggerating. But I had to walk him out to her car and not punch her in the face. Did I feel like a monster? Yep. Does he see me as one? He must wonder why I keep giving him back to her even after he finally found the words to explain what’s happening to him; “Mom is mean. I don’t love mom.”

The Tuesday after I sent him home with his abuser, I went to a doctor appointment; a follow-up on the Zoloft prescription I’ve been taking for about a month now. She had me fill out a sort of mental health/mood profile. I scored in the low range, which means “nothing to worry about”. But I told her all about Collin, because it’s relative. I’m depressed and angry and I feel as helpless as I'm sure he does.

She asked me about his behavior, and I told her. He’ll be 3 in June. He still wants a bottle, still wears a diaper, has very poor language skills, and he cries A LOT. Two to four times a day he cried for 15 to 25 minutes, seemingly inexplicably. I mean, he laughed and played when he wasn’t crying, but when he wasn’t playing or crying, he just wanted to be held. We spent a lot of time kicked back together in my recliner, with him just holding onto me, touching my face and stroking my arm and laying his head on my chest, smiling kind of dreamily. I told her what he said, too, that his mom is mean to him and he doesn't love her,

His grandmother came to see him while he was here, and she told me that when Collin’s father had her alone, he told her that Tara is mistreating Collin, that he had to push her off of him at one point, and held her against a wall, telling her to leave Collin alone. He said he plans to split up with her and keep the kids, or at least Collin. She’s very loving toward the younger ones; the twins; but she’s not even friendly toward Collin. He said she’s verbally abusive, and it’s every day.

Collin's father told the grandma that Collin told his preschool teacher that his mom is mean to him. And you’ll never guess what the teacher did. She called Tara. She freaking told on him, and he got in trouble. Tara screamed at him and told him to NEVER tell anyone what goes on in their family. His father pushed her away, and told Collin he did the right thing and to ALWAYS tell someone when his mom is mean to him. And then him and Tara started fighting. In front of the kids.

So, anyway, I told my doctor all that; about Collin’s behavior and all the stuff his grandmother told me. I told her that it’s driving me freaking crazy, I’m all stressed out about it, I want to kill Tara and run off with Collin, I’m extremely angry, and I feel helpless because, sure, I can call CPS, but except for Collin’s obvious regression, what I have to tell them is 3rd-person hearsay. And I know what they’ll do with that…nothing. Not a damn thing. I know because it wouldn't be the first time I called CPS about Collin and Tara.

So, my doctor called them. She got as much info from me as she could, like what preschool he’s going to, what county he lives in, Tara’s last name, etc. Maybe she has enough clout to get an investigation started, idk. Maybe CPS will call me and ask questions. Finally. Or maybe nothing will happen. Probably.

I told Collin’s grandma to call CPS. You have to understand, I’m pretty much a nobody to them now, but she’s Tara’s mother. She has first-hand knowledge. She’s an actual witness – she’s seen Tara drinking a boatload of beer, seen how she treats the kids and how she treats the twins like a little Prince and Princess but mostly ignores Collin.

Whenever I've called CPS they basically ignored me. They closed his case and they act like they don't want to hear anymore about it. Every time I've called (3 times), they told me to only call if I see severe injuries or unmistakable ligature marks or obvious signs of neglect, like extreme weight loss or something. I was their buddy when I was Collin’s foster father. Now I’m just a thorn in their side.


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## Jules (Apr 13, 2021)

That poor little boy.  Tara probably doesn’t even know why she keeps him there.  Maybe the doctor’s input will start another investigation.  Fingers crossed for you and Collin.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 13, 2021)

Jules said:


> That poor little boy.  *Tara probably doesn’t even know why she keeps him there.*  Maybe the doctor’s input will start another investigation.  Fingers crossed for you and Collin.


I think you're right about that. When she finished rehab and then applied to regain custody, she told her CPS attorney that she only wanted the twins. Her attorney advised her against making an "exclusive request."

Her mom asked her why she won't just let me have Collin. I know why. It's because being the "winner" is more important to Tara than Collin's happiness and his future.


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## RadishRose (Apr 13, 2021)

Keep banging on the door until it opens.

The poor child. I wonder why his grandmother hasn't been more active with this child's plight.


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## Aunt Bea (Apr 13, 2021)

I feel bad for the poor kid to live under such stressful conditions at the ripe old age of 2.

Is there a financial incentive for Tara to keep Collin in her custody?


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## Murrmurr (Apr 13, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> Keep banging on the door until it opens.
> 
> The poor child. I wonder why his grandmother hasn't been more active with this child's plight.


Tara won't let the grandma (her mom) see the kids very often. She's not allowed at their house and they only visit her on major holidays.

The house they live in is owned by Collin's paternal grandfather. He's renting it to them; his son and Tara. So if Collin's father kicks Tara out, she pretty much has to leave.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 13, 2021)

Aunt Bea said:


> I feel bad for the poor kid to live under such stressful conditions at the ripe old age of 2.
> 
> Is there a financial incentive for Tara to keep Collin in her custody?


Yes, there is. Cash, food stamps, and free medical. The father works but Tara probably told the welfare office that he doesn't live with her, so her benefits probably aren't effected by his income.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 13, 2021)

It was on Sunday that Collin told me he doesn't love his mom and that she's mean to him. She picked him up a few hours after he told me that, and it wasn't til after they left that I remembered him telling me a long story when he first got here on Friday. I didn't understand a word of it. His speech is horrible, sounds a lot like baby babble except you can tell he's actually trying to say something. You know he knows what he's saying.

I realized he was telling me about Tara, what she does to him. He was probably telling me she yells in his face that he's a bad boy, and drags him to his room and slams the door. It kills me that I didn't understand what he was saying, but thinking back, it was probably this. And I smiled. I freaking smiled. He looked so puzzled.

God, this is killing me.


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## Pepper (Apr 13, 2021)

You can't react to what you're not sure you understood.  My grandson will be three end of May and that's how he talks, too.  Ask very simple questions.


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## Jules (Apr 13, 2021)

Now that you’ve had your shots, do you think the Welfare people would let you come over and talk to them directly.  Phone conversations are never as good.


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## Pepper (Apr 13, 2021)

Murr, Do Absolutely Nothing at this time.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 14, 2021)

Pepper said:


> You can't react to what you're not sure you understood.  My grandson will be three end of May and that's how he talks, too.  Ask very simple questions.


What kills me is what might be (or probably is) going through his mind. He told the teacher, he told me, he told my cousin when we went to visit her, and it didn't change anything. It didn't even make us mad. "We" sent him home.

All those times people say "this person fell through the cracks" or "the system let this person down"...I'm hearing that.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 14, 2021)

Jules said:


> Now that you’ve had your shots, do you think the Welfare people would let you come over and talk to them directly.  Phone conversations are never as good.





Pepper said:


> Murr, Do Absolutely Nothing at this time.


Ok so I got a call from CPS in the county where Tara and the kids live (with their dad). She started out saying "We're calling to ask if you have any concerns before we close this case." Well, Tara told me months ago that they already closed the case. And she stopped going to couples counseling and family counseling and taking Collin to speech therapy, so I believe Tara. But whatever, I told the CPS worker "Yes, I have concerns" and I told her what they were, including that both parents are drinking again. She asked me if I saw that with my own eyes, and I said yes, and I told her they drove home afterward with kids in the car, and it's about a 50 mile drive.

When I told her what Collin said, the CPS lady said "Well, he's a little kid. They say things that aren't necessarily true." Way to advocate, lady! He's not even 3 yet. He doesn't know how to lie yet. He's learning, though...from his mother.

Anyway I told her all my concerns. The rest is up to them. I'm not expecting much; the bar is set pretty low.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 14, 2021)

Pepper said:


> You can't react to what you're not sure you understood.  My grandson will be three end of May and that's how he talks, too.  Ask very simple questions.


Next time she brings him, I will. And I won't wait for him to open up to me because that didn't work for him last time. I'm just gonna ask stuff like Is mom being nice now? and Are you happy with mom? - stuff like that. And then let him talk.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 16, 2021)

I was once (twice, actually) a Woman

About a dozen years ago I had to use a walker to get around and my sister and kids came over whenever they could to help me out with everything. Mostly, my sister. I’d had 3 major back surgeries by then, living on unemployment and my dream house savings account. My friends had disappeared one by one, and I’d given up on socializing and dating.

I had a lot to be thankful for. The surgeries were helping and I had a really good physical therapist. I was gradually getting better, but the accident totally changed the trajectory of my life. I hated having to take my medications, there was nothing on my calendar but medical appointments, and time just seemed to be standing still.

Anyway, there I was in my mid-fifties, feeling way older, in constant pain, losing my hair. Anesthesia can do that, they said. Could be. I’m the only baldie in my family. Oddly, I did sprout hair on my back, with a very distinct part down the middle (surgical scar). I couldn’t scuba dive anymore, or go hiking or play sports or even ride a bicycle. I needed help with just about everything and I couldn’t drive very far. So, yeah, I was freaking depressed, and even though my kids and grandkids visited a lot and my sister came and helped every day, I was really lonely and depressed and absolutely out of my mind with boredom.

My sister suggested social media. I joined several social sites and a few Yahoo groups. That got confusing because one of the residual effects of the injury to my head is that I have a hard time remembering certain things. Names especially, and evidently, passwords fall under that category. So eventually I whittled it down to Facebook, one Yahoo group, and 2 social sites.

On one of those, I met a woman I’ll call Dee, and after a couple weeks we started emailing. The emails were funny and got pretty flirty, too, but it still sort of came out of left field when she sent me a photo of, let’s say, “all the cleavage”. Well, you don’t have to be depressed and in a crippling mid-life crisis with hair suddenly growing on your back to find that interesting, but it did make it _particularly_ interesting. For several months I willfully and quite enthusiastically enjoyed online shenanigans with Dee until it came to light that she was married. And so I ended it.

I ended it, but she didn’t. Not because I was all that and a bag’o chips – she knew my situation – but she wanted me to help her leave her husband. She wanted me to hire an attorney for her, buy her a plane ticket and let her move in with me. Her and her husband had major problems now, she said, and it was all my fault. 

Sure, you could say I was _unknowingly_ complicit, but I told her they had a major problem before I stumbled in. In a nutshell, I told her she was on her own, and that pissed her off.

She knew what social sites I was on, and about my Facebook and the Yahoo group, and she flooded all of them with a cherry-picked series of our emails and …sigh… photos of me. Very ~private~ photos. She also knew where I worked, so she found my employer’s email and sent him a bunch of that stuff too.

I got banned from both social sites, left the Yahoo group, and deleted my Facebook account. My employer said he wouldn’t hold my job open for me anymore. Oh man, and the lectures I got from my mom and my aunts…whoo-wee-boy! Worst of all, my daughter stopped speaking to me. For years.

I don’t know how but over the next few years or so it seemed like Dee could find me just about everywhere I went online, and she harassed me and my online friends relentlessly. I got super paranoid about the internet, especially social media, and I got rid of my computer. Dee’s wrath was worse than my accident, seriously.

In 2017, after a 4th surgery, I was back to using a walker. I'd had to quit working and move from my 3-br house into this little 1-br apartment. I was fed up with the pain, man. I was more depressed and lonelier than ever, thinking about just ending it all with a bottle of morphine. My sister brought me a PC and talked me into trying social media again. It had been good for me when it wasn’t life-ruining. Filled the hours, took my mind off the pain, helped me stop feeling sorry for myself. And I enjoy writing (wasn't much else I could do, actually).

So, I joined 2 social sites, but *as a woman*. I wasn’t taking any chances; left-over paranoia. And I’m not positive but I think Senior Forums was one of the 2. My sister and a neighbor lady helped write some of the posts because I was like, “Oops, I can’t say that, she’ll know it’s me!”, so I wound up a composite of myself and them. (It was kind of fun, actually.)

Anyway, my sister swears that Senior Forums was one of the two sites where I was a woman. So, shall we say my _feminine side_ might be on here somewhere, in old posts. I can’t confirm that because I don’t remember what name I used, and neither does my sister, so I haven't found "her". This would have been in 2017. And it wasn’t for very long because not really being myself got pretty old pretty quick. Plus the paranoia about Dee faded away. My daughter was speaking to me by then, too.


I’m doing great now, comparatively. No more morphine or baclofen, and I’m down to low doses of hydrocodone. I graduated from a walker to a cane, and then nothin' but my feet. I was daddy to Collin for 2 ½ years, and I’m still in his life. I can run pretty well, just not for very long, went hiking and biking recently, and haven’t needed any help around the house for a long while. 

And the icing on the cake; I met a very, very nice lady – in person!


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## hollydolly (Apr 16, 2021)

WoW!! What a story... that's incredible, what a terrible situation to have been in ... lemme ask you tho', what makes you sure Dee, won't find you here now ? ...we'll protect you if she does tho' don't worry...


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## Murrmurr (Apr 16, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> WoW!! What a story... that's incredible, what a terrible situation to have been in ... lemme ask you tho', what makes you sure Dee, won't find you here now ? ...we'll protect you if she does tho' don't worry...


It's been like 5 years since she's found me anywhere. Hopefully she met someone or worked things out with her husband or whatever. Plus, there's not much she can do to me now. Well, there's the pictures and that, but that's nothing now that things are good with me and my daughter and the rest of my family, and I'm retired so no worries there. No sense living in fear at this point.

Plus, you guys have my back, so it's all good.


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## hollydolly (Apr 16, 2021)

...and I wouldn't mind a little peek.... dunno about the others...


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## Murrmurr (Apr 16, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> ...and I wouldn't mind a little peek.... dunno about the others...


You guys are great. Man, I held onto that story for _months_. I thought people would get weirded out, or maybe even mad if they chatted with whoever I/she was a few years ago...lost in the archives, I guess.


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## MarciKS (Apr 16, 2021)




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## Pepper (Apr 16, 2021)

If you're worried about being found, why do you use your picture in your avatar?  Well??


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## Murrmurr (Apr 16, 2021)

Pepper said:


> If you're worried about being found, why do you use your picture in your avatar?  Well??


I stopped worrying about it a couple years ago. Things are good with me and my daughter, and I'm retired so no worries there. I just didn't see any point in wringing my hands over it anymore.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 22, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Ok so I got a call from CPS in the county where Tara and the kids live (with their dad). She started out saying "We're calling to ask if you have any concerns before we close this case." Well, Tara told me months ago that they already closed the case. And she stopped going to couples counseling and family counseling and taking Collin to speech therapy, so I believe Tara. But whatever, I told the CPS worker "Yes, I have concerns" and I told her what they were, including that both parents are drinking again. She asked me if I saw that with my own eyes, and I said yes, and I told her they drove home afterward with kids in the car, and it's about a 50 mile drive.
> 
> When I told her what Collin said, the CPS lady said "Well, he's a little kid. They say things that aren't necessarily true." Way to advocate, lady! He's not even 3 yet. He doesn't know how to lie yet. He's learning, though...from his mother.
> 
> Anyway I told her all my concerns. The rest is up to them. I'm not expecting much; the bar is set pretty low.


So, about that ^

CPS paid a visit to Tara. No action taken. But Tara said I'm not allowed to see Collin anymore.


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## hollydolly (Apr 22, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> So, about that ^
> 
> CPS paid a visit to Tara. No action taken. But Tara said I'm not allowed to see Collin anymore.


Oh nooo....1/2 expected by you I suspect... but that's just beyond heartbreaking for you... now you're left with imagining what's happing to that little boy!!

I'm so sorry Murr ...


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## Murrmurr (Apr 22, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> Oh nooo....1/2 expected by you I suspect... but that's just beyond heartbreaking for you... now you're left with imagining what's happing to that little boy!!
> 
> I'm so sorry Murr ...


Yeah, I gave it a 50/50 chance of going bad.

I will worry about him, and wonder. 

Hope the father does the right thing but I doubt he'll act quickly. Tara is extremely manipulative and he's not very bright. He's a good pretty guy, though.

Yep, this is f*cked up.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 22, 2021)

Cool! Some good news.

My younger brother just called and asked me to fill in for an absent coach at his son's elimination tournament this weekend (Little league). 
I'm on it!

Go Elites!


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## dobielvr (Apr 22, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Yeah, I gave it a 50/50 chance of going bad.
> 
> I will worry about him, and wonder.
> 
> ...


Do you ever want to drive by their house and see how things are going, from the outside?  
I'd be so tempted to do that.

Outside looking in.....


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## Jules (Apr 22, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> CPS paid a visit to Tara. No action taken. But Tara said I'm not allowed to see Collin anymore.


So you weren’t an anonymous source?


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## Murrmurr (Apr 22, 2021)

Jules said:


> So you weren’t an anonymous source?


CPS worker called me last week and I answered questions like "have you seen them drink with your own eyes". I told her Collin's parents shared a 12pk of beer after my mom's funeral, then drove the kids home. My answers plus details I gave my doctor (who initially called CPS) told Tara where the info came from.

But honestly, I wouldn't put it past CPS to tell her who it came from anyway.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 22, 2021)

dobielvr said:


> Do you ever want to drive by their house and see how things are going, from the outside?
> I'd be so tempted to do that.
> 
> Outside looking in.....


They live in a tiny remote village about an hour and a half away at the end of a long dirt road. You can't drive by, and they'd see me coming if I drove down close enough to see anything. There'd be a scene that Collin doesn't need to see and hear.


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## terry123 (Apr 23, 2021)

So sorry to hear this Murr. I think I would call the case worker who visited and demand to be told what happened!  There has to be something you can do!!


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## Murrmurr (Apr 23, 2021)

terry123 said:


> So sorry to hear this Murr. I think I would call the case worker who visited and demand to be told what happened!  There has to be something you can do!!


I decided to email George,  Collin's former CPS worker for Sacramento County. It was George who took the initial complaint and then contacted CPS in Collin's county. Then that worker called me to basically verify what was said in the complaint.

I don't expect to hear back from George until next week. He's gonna feel real bad about what's happened but I don't think he'll be surprised. He worked closely with Tara and pegged her as a habitual liar and manipulator. There's nothing he can do about this except put it in a report - something like, "mother is obstructing healthy relationships beneficial to the child as an act of impunity" and then file it with the original complaint. George documents _everything_ because he knows it can come in handy down the road.


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## terry123 (Apr 23, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I decided to email George,  Collin's former CPS worker for Sacramento County. It was George who took the initial complaint and then contacted CPS in Collin's county. Then that worker called me to basically verify what was said in the complaint.
> 
> I don't expect to hear back from George until next week. He's gonna feel real bad about what's happened but I don't think he'll be surprised. He worked closely with Tara and pegged her as a habitual liar and manipulator. There's nothing he can do about this except put it in a report - something like, "mother is obstructing healthy relationships beneficial to the child as an act of impunity" and then file it with the original complaint. George documents _everything_ because he knows it can come in handy down the road.


Good, wish you could get custody of that child.  You probably are but please document everything.  I had a friend that worked in Center, Texas that was a case worker and she always told me how important that was in her cases.


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## Pepper (Apr 23, 2021)

I realize I missed the prior page when I advised you to do nothing or as little as possible with CPS.  Too late, but my advice still stands.  The less you deal with them, the better.  I do so wish I hadn't skipped the past page before I chimed in.

When you invite the government into these types of situations the worst is usually the outcome.


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## Pepper (Apr 23, 2021)

ps
It is not unusual for a three year old to still want a bottle, be in diapers, speak gibberish.  Three years old is not too "old" for this behavior, nor is it "immature."


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## Murrmurr (Apr 23, 2021)

Pepper said:


> ps
> It is not unusual for a three year old to still want a bottle, be in diapers, speak gibberish.  Three years old is not too "old" for this behavior, nor is it "immature."


My oldest son Grant had a night time bottle til was nearly 3 and he was really hard to potty train, and that was fine because I knew why. But I know Collin, too. He's easy to teach because he understands difficult-for-a-toddler concepts on a level like I've never seen in a toddler before. My daughter was quicker than my sons. Collin is even quicker than she was.

His speech is worse than when he left last Nov. He strings more words together, and I catch a word here and there, but most of it is incomprehensible. He barely moves his lips and tongue while he talks, and he has like a concerned expression the whole time. And now I don't know if that's because he knows he isn't being understood or if it's because he's afraid he will be. His mother probably understands him but she's obviously not teaching him to pronounce everything better. I get that she's got 2 younger ones, but jeez, take 10 minutes!

Because she probably understands what he says is why I didn't do the way I did my sons...I had them watch me pee. I guarantee after one or two times, Collin would want to do it that way too. But he'd probably tell his mom that Uncle Frank has hair *there* or whatever, and she'd be writing _that_ down.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 23, 2021)

Pepper said:


> I realize I missed the prior page when I advised you to do nothing or as little as possible with CPS.  Too late, but my advice still stands.  The less you deal with them, the better.  I do so wish I hadn't skipped the past page before I chimed in.
> 
> When you invite the government into these types of situations the worst is usually the outcome.


I totally agree, and I was well aware that CPS in Tara's county acted quickly to close her case. For one, they didn't know her at all, and for another she lives quite a ways from their offices and it's not all good roads back in there. Plus it was snowy at the time. And also I know how CPS works. It's one of the most inefficient, inept, archaic systems in government, and that's as bad as anything can get. 

That's why I didn't call them myself. I told Tara that I "suspect" my doctor called them but she's not having it.


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## Pepper (Apr 23, 2021)

Thank you, Frank, for understanding my intent in butting in and giving advice.  I was kind of nervous you'd tell me myob.  I'm relieved.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 23, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Thank you, Frank, for understanding my intent in butting in and giving advice.  I was kind of nervous you'd tell me myob.  I'm relieved.


Oh, no problem at all, Pepper. I post this stuff on here because I _want_ advice and input whether it's easy to hear or not. So thank you.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 25, 2021)

Had a really good time subbing for team Elite's 3rd base coach this weekend. This was a Special Games double-elimination tournament put on by parks & recreation where my brother lives. Eight teams participated, Little League Major Division (age 9-12), and we were in excellent position to move to the playoff when the games were called this morning due to wind and rain. Parks & rec will decide if they can continue next weekend.

We had 1 loss and it was to a team who had a 9 y/o who looked 15, not exaggerating. Dude had bigger feet than our studly 1st base coach! When I can look a 9 y/o dead in the eyes, it's time to age-verify (checked out). And he had the skills of a 15 y/o veteran player too, so it was a good loss; nothing to be embarrassed about there.

Had a lot of fun and a stellar post-games BBQ.


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## Aneeda72 (Apr 25, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Next time she brings him, I will. And I won't wait for him to open up to me because that didn't work for him last time. I'm just gonna ask stuff like Is mom being nice now? and Are you happy with mom? - stuff like that. And then let him talk.


Record the conversation if it is allowed in your state


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## Aneeda72 (Apr 25, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> My oldest son Grant had a night time bottle til was nearly 3 and he was really hard to potty train, and that was fine because I knew why. But I know Collin, too. He's easy to teach because he understands difficult-for-a-toddler concepts on a level like I've never seen in a toddler before. My daughter was quicker than my sons. Collin is even quicker than she was.
> 
> His speech is worse than when he left last Nov. He strings more words together, and I catch a word here and there, but most of it is incomprehensible. He barely moves his lips and tongue while he talks, and he has like a concerned expression the whole time. And now I don't know if that's because he knows he isn't being understood or if it's because he's afraid he will be. His mother probably understands him but she's obviously not teaching him to pronounce everything better. I get that she's got 2 younger ones, but jeez, take 10 minutes!
> 
> Because she probably understands what he says is why I didn't do the way I did my sons...I had them watch me pee. I guarantee after one or two times, Collin would want to do it that way too. But he'd probably tell his mom that Uncle Frank has hair *there* or whatever, and she'd be writing _that_ down.


Letting him watch you, you would go to jail for that these days.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 25, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Letting him watch you, you would go to jail for that these days.


If I ever get the chance I'm gonna tell his dad to take Collin into the bathroom with him when he pees, and take his younger brother too, for that matter. Collin would learn so quick, I know he would. It's just that easy. And the sad thing is, Tara loses her temper the most over potty training issues.


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## Murrmurr (May 22, 2021)

"CPS paid a visit to Tara. No action taken. But Tara said I'm not allowed to see Collin anymore." (post #243)

So, about that - Collin will be here in about an hour! His mom will pick him up on Monday. 
Woohoo!

This is totally out of the blue, but I aint complainin!


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## Jules (May 22, 2021)

Wishing you and Collin a wonderful weekend.


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## Murrmurr (May 22, 2021)

Jules said:


> Wishing you and Collin a wonderful weekend.


Thanks, Jules. We're gonna have a party tomorrow.


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## terry123 (May 22, 2021)

Know you are having a good time!!  You are probably sleeping since its almost midnight here.  Enjoy tomorrow!!


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## Murrmurr (May 26, 2021)

So here’s the reason I got to have Collin for the weekend: 
2 weeks ago Collin’s mom, Tara, called her mother to say she’d wrecked her car and needed help. Collin’s grandma gets to the scene where Tara drove her van into a ditch, and now it wouldn’t start. Tara had one of the 2 y/o twins with her; Collin and the other twin were home with their dad, and they don’t have a second car.

The van was towed to the grandma’s house because her boyfriend is an auto mechanic, and grandma drove Tara and the baby home. She visited with her grandkids for a while and asked their parents if she could have Collin over the following weekend. They said yes, but when the weekend came, Tara told her mother that all 3 kids were sick so Collin had to stay home.

Last Saturday, Tara’s friend took her and the family to Collin’s grandma’s house to get the van, all fixed. Grandma wanted Collin that weekend (this past weekend) so she made up a story. She told Tara that my granddaughter, Ariel, was having her 11th birthday party on Sunday, and that Ariel wanted Collin to be there. Ariel actually turned 11 on the 4th (May the 4th be with her), but Tara doesn’t know that, and she said yes, Collin could go to Ariel’s party but only if he spent the weekend with me, not his grandma.

So, Tara left Collin with his grandma who then called me and told me this whole thing. I called Ariel’s mom and told her, and we decided to throw a second 11th birthday party for Ariel. Naturally, Ariel didn’t mind at all. Then Collin’s grandma brought him over here Saturday afternoon. Tara was going to pick him up on Monday, but she text me to ask if I’d keep him until Tuesday.

“pfftt! Not a problem.”

When Collin got here he had scratches all over his face and neck and bruises on his arms that were obviously made by adult fingers, as though he’d been grabbed really hard by the arms. And there were scrapes there too, as though he’d been shaken or (more likely) tossed. His grandmother suspects the scratches and bruises were fresh on the weekend Tara said Collin couldn’t go anywhere because the kids were sick. Likely so, because the scratches were pretty much scabbed over and the bruises were beginning to fade - green and grey-blue instead of purple and black-blue.

Collin told me his younger brother clawed his face and that the bruises on his arms were from daddy. I called CPS in their county and got the same ol’ “kids make stuff up” bs, but she told me to take lots of pictures and document everything.

I didn’t say anything to Tara when she picked him up, which wasn’t easy. Even harder was not choking her to death, but I did tell Collin that I’d see him again…because he was begging me not to make him go with her. Tara repeated "You'll see Uncle Frank again" and I hope that's true.

Sometimes people kidnap kids for a very good reason. You guys talk about bucket lists? That one’s on mine.


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## terry123 (May 27, 2021)

I feel for that poor baby.  I can see where that would be on your bucket list.  Will you call CPS and show them the pics.  What is it going to take to get that child away from her.  I feel for those twins, too.


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## Murrmurr (May 27, 2021)

terry123 said:


> I feel for that poor baby.  I can see where that would be on your bucket list.  Will you call CPS and show them the pics.  What is it going to take to get that child away from her.  I feel for those twins, too.


I'm not sure what it's going to take with CPS. I'm supposed to take pictures and write down things I see and what he says and how he behaves over several visits. I'm guessing they'll come into play if I ask CPS to open a new case or if I file a complaint with family court, like a request for custody or intervention. His grandmother is talking about trying to get custody of all 3 kids. 

She's a good person who loves her grandkids very much, but I'm not sure about her chances; she's kind of scatter-brained, a super-excitable reformed meth and heroin addict (ten years clean), and she has a nice big house but it's a squatter situation. The house was her mother's, it's in a reverse mortgage, and she hasn't told the bank that the mother died a few months ago. That's not gonna look good in family court.


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## hollydolly (May 27, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I'm not sure what it's going to take with CPS. I'm supposed to take pictures and write down things I see and what he says and how he behaves over several visits. I'm guessing they'll come into play if I ask CPS to open a new case or if I file a complaint with family court, like a request for custody or intervention. His grandmother is talking about trying to get custody of all 3 kids.
> 
> She's a good person who loves her grandkids very much, but I'm not sure about her chances; she's kind of scatter-brained, a super-excitable reformed meth and heroin addict (ten years clean), and she has a nice big house but it's a squatter situation. The house was her mother's, it's in a reverse mortgage, and she hasn't told the bank that the mother died a few months ago. That's not gonna look good in family court.


Can you just set up a CCTV camera in the house to capture _everything he says_, , and how he looks with regard bruising etc .?..surely that would be evidence ? 

This is such a heartbreaking story


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## Murrmurr (May 27, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> Can you just set up a CCTV camera in the house to capture _everything he says_, , and how he looks with regard bruising etc .?..surely that would be evidence ?
> 
> This is such a heartbreaking story


I could do that but I'm not sure how useful it would be unless I can show how he behaves at home. His grandmother says he's a totally different person when he's with me; smiles and laughs, talks a lot more, plays more...just generally a happier kid.

It is heartbreaking. It's really hard on him, and he's too young to know any good ways to cope with it. I hope he doesn't turn to self-destructive ways at some point. That's what a lot of kids in his situation do. And there's a lot of them.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 2, 2021)

Collin's coming this weekend! Yay!

But this is weird; Saturday is his 3rd birthday and his mom's text said "We're not going to have a party for him, so I thought you might like to take him this weekend."

The twins turned 2 in April and Tara invited everybody and their freakin goldfish. They had a bouncy house and everything.

Why doesn't she just give him to me, man? What's in it for her? If it's the food stamps, I'll comp the freakin witch.

Anyway, we are going to paaaartayy!


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## terry123 (Jun 3, 2021)

That is great news!  I am sure he needs it and you do to.  I always loved it when mine were 3, 4, and 5 as they were so innocent and yet would say the most amazing things!  He will have to have a cake and everything y'all like to do.  Please give us some pictures of your amazing time.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 3, 2021)

terry123 said:


> That is great news!  I am sure he needs it and you do to.  I always loved it when mine were 3, 4, and 5 as they were so innocent and yet would say the most amazing things!  He will have to have a cake and everything y'all like to do.  Please give us some pictures of your amazing time.


3 to 5 is a super-cute age, and yes, they say the most amazing things. With my own sons, at age 13-15 they grew closer to me, like most boys do at that age. Great conversations, good times watching sports, going fishing and camping and stuff. Such a cool time. 

My daughter was a daddy's girl up to about age 15. Then, she raged for about 10 years. Whooboy!


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## terry123 (Jun 3, 2021)

My oldest daughter had to have everything perfect and would cry if she made a "B" in her classes.  Five years later my second daughter was the complete opposite.  I did not expect her to be like the first one but she was a hoot!  She loved school but just to have fun!  She talked too much in class and loved being with her friends.  I dreaded report card time but she always pulled it out and managed to pass her classes.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2021)

I'm going to use "Collin"'s real name from now on. No reason not to since he isn't my foster son anymore. 
His name is *Paxton*. 

The black eye his grandmother told me about is a scrape as well as a bruise under his left eye. Tara said his little sister has one too. Little brother threw a large toy airplane at them. Tara said the little brother is becoming a bully. Paxton said it's true; that's what happened. I'm going to encourage him to tell his brother to knock it off. I won't teach him to defend himself by fighting (yet), I'm just going to teach him it's okay to be forceful and commanding with his voice.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 5, 2021)

Paxton (aka "Collin") had a great 3rd Birthday Party!


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## terry123 (Jun 5, 2021)

Love it!!  So glad for you both!


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## Murrmurr (Jun 5, 2021)

terry123 said:


> Love it!!  So glad for you both!


I sent his mom those photos and a few others. I hope it made her feel something, know what I mean? Guilt, embarrassment, self-loathing. Hell, I wouldn't mind resentment....just _something_.


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## katlupe (Jun 6, 2021)

Happy Birthday to Paxton!


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## Lewkat (Jun 6, 2021)

With all you do for him Murr, it takes Tara off the hook for ignoring his needs.  The only problem is, he has to spend most of his time with her.  What a good guy you are and he is obviously one happy boy with you.  Praying this all turns in both of your favor soon.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 6, 2021)

Lewkat said:


> With all you do for him Murr, it takes Tara off the hook for ignoring his needs.  The only problem is, he has to spend most of his time with her.  What a good guy you are and he is obviously one happy boy with you.  Praying this all turns in both of your favor soon.


It's possible (probably likely) Paxton will reject his mother's lifestyle*, or at least never feel comfortable with it and make better choices. And my door will always be open for him.

*she's a habitual liar, steals what she doesn't feel like buying, thinks welfare is a perfectly reasonable way to "make a living".


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## Lewkat (Jun 6, 2021)

Unfortunately we have too many like Paxton's mother who drain this economy, but we have such a lax system, it's almost impossible to fight.


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## Pinky (Jun 6, 2021)

What a wonderful birthday party you gave Paxton. He looks so happy -- what a little sweetheart. If I could, I would give him, and you, the biggest hugs.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 6, 2021)

Pinky said:


> What a wonderful birthday party you gave Paxton. He looks so happy -- what a little sweetheart. If I could, I would give him, and you, the biggest hugs.


Received. Thank you, Pinky.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 11, 2021)

Got a call from Paxton's grandma, Jackie, last night. After Pax's parents picked him up from my place Tuesday afternoon, they stopped by her place. That's where her boyfriend is working on their broken van. Jackie suspects Paxton's mom is using again; probably crack, she said. She got Paxton's dad alone and asked him about it. He said "yes, a couple of times." He denied doing any himself, and Jackie gave him a pep-talk about staying clean for the kids, and told him that him and the kids could move in with her if the situation gets worse. The situation being Tara's drug use.

Jackie knows it'll get worse.

I'm extremely worried. And I'm really, really angry.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 18, 2021)

Paxton's coming over for the weekend, probably until Mon or Tue. His twin siblings will be dropped off at their grandma's on Sat morning. His mom said she and his father want to have a date-day on Sat.

I wonder if she means a crack-pipe day. Probably.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 18, 2021)

Paxton's not coming till tomorrow morning. His mom said it got up to 101 degrees where they live, and she didn't want to make the kids suffer through the drive. They live over an hour away.

Makes sense.

And I just realized that Sunday is Father's Day. The twins will be home with dad on Father's Day, but Paxton will be here. And he was here on his birthday. It's just so strange. I'm glad he's too young to feel weird about it.


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## terry123 (Jun 18, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Paxton's not coming till tomorrow morning. His mom said it got up to 101 degrees where they live, and she didn't want to make the kids suffer through the drive. They live over an hour away.
> 
> Makes sense.
> 
> And I just realized that Sunday is Father's Day. The twins will be home with dad on Father's Day, but Paxton will be here. And he was here on his birthday. It's just so strange. I'm glad he's too young to feel weird about it.


Have a wonderful "fathers day" with him!


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## Murrmurr (Jun 18, 2021)

terry123 said:


> Have a wonderful "fathers day" with him!


Yep. My oldest son always takes me out for breakfast, and the younger one brings Chinese take-out for lunch, and we either watch a ball game or go fishing. So Paxton will be hangin' out with the boys on a leisurely Father's Day. Looking forward to it.


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## dobielvr (Jun 19, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Yep. My oldest son always takes me out for breakfast, and the younger one brings Chinese take-out for lunch, and we either watch a ball game or go fishing. So Paxton will be hangin' out with the boys on a leisurely Father's Day. Looking forward to it.


That's perfect!  Sounds like Paxton will get to spend time w/some real men on his visit w/you.
He'll be so happy...


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## Murrmurr (Jun 19, 2021)

dobielvr said:


> That's perfect!  Sounds like Paxton will get to spend time w/some real men on his visit w/you.
> He'll be so happy...


Paxton is especially loving toward my younger son, Liam. When the CPS worker told me I needed to start thinking about adoption, Liam and his wife said they would be happy to raise him. Paxton liked my daughter Maud immediately, but she lives in southern Cal, about 500 miles away, and Grant, my older son, lives nearby but he travels a lot for work and he and his wife normally travel at least twice a year for pleasure. So if adoption had happened, I'd have officially named Liam and his wife Paxton's Godparents. 

My point is, Paxton is close to my sons, especially Liam, so spending the day with them will be good times for the Little Man, for sure.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 19, 2021)

One of these is a little blurry. He didn't want to hold still.
This isn't severe enough injury for CPS.


 Tara says it's the 2 yr old brother. Paxton said so, too. Hard to believe.


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## hollydolly (Jun 20, 2021)

I mean it's possible... but usually to inflict injury you have to hit hard..and a 2 year old is rarely able to do that!!...Poor little soul .


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## Murrmurr (Jun 20, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> I mean it's possible... but usually to inflict injury you have to hit hard..and a 2 year old is rarely able to do that!!...Poor little soul .


Both of his arms, the front of both thighs, and his back have multiple bruises and scratches, too. One of his arms looks particularly bad. Nothing on his bottom. I see this every time he's visited this month and it looks worse every visit. Tara said little brother does the same to his twin sister except not as bad. Mostly he pulls her hair. If it's the brother, he needs to see a behaviorist or child psychologist asap. There's something wrong with that kid. If it's Tara or the dad, they need to be in prison.

Tara never saw an obstetrician while she was pregnant with the twins and nobody knows exactly where she was for the last 5 months of her pregnancy. She moved around a lot, probably didn't eat well, and obviously used drugs. They were born a few weeks premature at some birthing center 100 miles away and tested positive for controlled substances. A nurse there called CPS, and CPS took immediate custody and had both babies transferred to a local hospital NICU. The boy was smaller and more fragile than the girl. He had to be intubated and almost died twice. After a month in the hospital, they went into a foster home. Their foster mom was a nurse at that hospital and the foster dad worked there, too.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 23, 2021)

Yesterday, Tuesday, after Paxton had a nap and ate his lunch, we sat in my recliner together and I told him his parents would be picking him up at about 4pm. He cried, but he didn't fall apart and beg me not to let them take him like he usually does, he just teared up and snuggled up and said he didn't want to go. I told him he'd be back, and we talked about all the fun stuff we'd do when he came back. 

Close to 4 o'clock, I got a text from Jackie, Paxton's grandma. She said she just got a call from Paxton's dad and he told Jackie to tell me not to let Tara take Paxton. He and Tara were headed this way together when they got in a vicious verbal argument - with the twins in the car - and Tara pulled over and told their dad to get out. He did, and then he called Jackie, and she text me. "Don't let Tara take Paxton! Hide out at your cousin's house!! Go NOW!!!"

A minute later, Tara called. I didn't answer because I was thinking over grounds for refusing to let her take Pax, and the criminal aspects of that. I have no authority over Paxton, so I have no grounds for refusing to give him to his mother, and that would definitely be illegal. She wouldn't just let me say No Can Do and Goodbye. She'd pound on the door, screaming for her kid. She'd bust a window. She might call the police. I could be detained in handcuffs, if not arrested, and Tara would be going off about the whole situation while I was being questioned. And the cops might call child services, and they'd take forever getting here while all that other crap is happening. And Paxton and the twins would see all this. It would probably stick in Paxton's memory. Another trauma.

In the end, I'd never see Paxton again, that's for dang sure. So when Tara immediately called a second time, I answered. She said "I suppose you got a call to not give me Paxton. Well, let me tell you..."

I interrupted with what I had to tell _her. _I could hear the rage in her voice, so I sort of yelled at her to pull her car over, and we talked for about 10 or 15 minutes_. _Mostly I talked: I don't want to see anymore injuries on Paxton. If the little brother is doing it, get him some professional help. If _you're_ doing it, I will do whatever I can to take all 3 kids. Let his father have time with him, it isn't favoritism, it's what your son needs. Don't ever fight in front of the kids, ever. Either separate or go back to marriage counseling. And if you're doing drugs, go to rehab maintenance. Faltering is understandable, being a drug-addicted mother is unforgivable. 
And I pointed out that if Paxton was sent home all bruised and scratched up after his weekends with Uncle Frank, she'd want to kill me. She'd want me brutally tortured, and then dead and buried in a field. I told her I know what I'm talking about because I know the feeling.

What good our talk will do in the long-run, I don't know. She hugged me when she got here, and Paxton didn't completely fall apart when I buckled him in his car seat and said "See you next time, buddy." I hope there is a next time.


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## Jules (Jun 23, 2021)

Marital spats - they’d get back together and you’d be left without Paxton.  Poor little kid.

Is there a chance that Paxton has something that causes him to bruise easily.  Not likely, as you’d have noticed when he was little.


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## hollydolly (Jun 23, 2021)

Jules said:


> Marital spats - they’d get back together and you’d be left without Paxton.  Poor little kid.
> 
> *Is there a chance that Paxton has something that causes him to bruise easily.  Not likely, as you’d have noticed when he was little.*


I would guess before Murr answers, that the answer would be No..because it's not just bruises it's scratches as well


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## Murrmurr (Jun 23, 2021)

Jules said:


> Marital spats - they’d get back together and you’d be left without Paxton.  Poor little kid.
> 
> Is there a chance that Paxton has something that causes him to bruise easily.  Not likely, as you’d have noticed when he was little.


No, these are definitely injuries. I posted a couple of pictures, post #294. I have a lot of others, too.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 23, 2021)

Jules said:


> *Marital spats - they’d get back together and you’d be left without Paxton.*  Poor little kid.
> 
> Is there a chance that Paxton has something that causes him to bruise easily.  Not likely, as you’d have noticed when he was little.


Absolutely.

Jackie said the father told her that Tara is verbally abusive toward Paxton, but not physically abusive. He said the 2 year old is doing it. Jackie showed him the pictures of Pax's injuries that I sent her, and he started talking about reporting Tara to CPS himself.

An aside; we were all neighbors years ago, when I was in high school. Jackie's mom was my mom's next-door neighbor. Tara and Cole (the kids' dad) went to school together and then dated in high school. Jackie was sort of like Cole's second mom. Years later, my son tried to help Cole start a good career by recommending him to his worker's union, but the fool never showed up. And he's still unemployed.


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## terry123 (Jun 23, 2021)

So glad you had a good time with Paxton.  I could tell those were bruises from abuse by those pictures.  The father should report her.  I just don't understand how parents can let this go on.  Back in the day it would have been different.  No calling CPS if it even existed then.  A grandparent or a parent would have taken that child home with them and dared the abuser to even try to get the child back.  I saw my dad interact with his brother about his child and he knew my dad meant business.  The physical abuse stopped but I am sure the emotional scars remained with that child.  Back then nobody realized the emotional side of those things.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 23, 2021)

terry123 said:


> So glad you had a good time with Paxton.  I could tell those were bruises from abuse by those pictures.  The father should report her.  I just don't understand how parents can let this go on.  Back in the day it would have been different.  No calling CPS if it even existed then.  A grandparent or a parent would have taken that child home with them and dared the abuser to even try to get the child back.  I saw my dad interact with his brother about his child and he knew my dad meant business.  The physical abuse stopped but I am sure the emotional scars remained with that child.  Back then nobody realized the emotional side of those things.


I called CPS and the lady told me to email all the pictures I took. The worker who got them called me later and asked a bunch of questions, including what did the mother say about it and what did Paxton say. The worker downplayed his injuries and mentioned his healthy looking size and weight about a dozen times. Because I mentioned he was here on his birthday and we had a party, she asked for pictures of that, so I sent some and she said he looked like a very happy, healthy, un-traumatized child, and she didn't see any bruises on him. He did have some on his face and arms that day, and you can see the one under his eye in a couple of the pictures but it's pretty faint. The worker sort of used that to accuse me of lying or exaggerating.

But Jackie said that Cole said yesterday that CPS did show up at their house last week...after my call. The CPS person told them it was just a routine visit they're supposed to do within 6 months after closing their case. It was closed about 4 months ago. Cole said they just stood in one spot and looked around the one room, looked at the kids but not under their clothing or anything, and asked questions like "are there any drugs or alcohol in the house?" without looking in the fridge, and, of course, the answer was no.

CPS can't violate your rights. Like, they can look around but they can't look in any drawers or open any doors. They can ask you to do it, but you can just say no and they have to move on. They can't really do anything unless they see a kid who looks emaciated or has a large festering wound, is locked in a cage or tied to a bed. Oh, and they have to give at least 30 minutes notice before an unscheduled visit. In some counties, it's 24 hours notice. So, basically there's no such thing as an unscheduled visit. Well, unless _more than one neighbor_ calls 911 to say there's a crime against a child in progress. In some counties, 911 has a hotline to CPS but they don't use it very often. Cops don't usually notify CPS until after they get to a place and assess the situation.


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## terry123 (Jun 24, 2021)

That is just pitiful.  Even I can tell that child is abused.  It seems like everyday there is something else I don't get.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 25, 2021)

Cole, Paxton's father, is in jail. Plus Tara placed a restraining order against him.

I called her yesterday (Thur) to see how everyone was doing because I knew her and Cole got into a big fight on Tuesday, just before she came to pick up Paxton, and Cole went to stay with a friend that night. Anyway, she told me that on Wed morning, he went home to their house and the fight started again. It was over Paxton. Cole told Tara to keep her hands off him and Tara told Cole to, um, get lost, to put it in acceptable verbiage. Then at some point, Cole hit Tara, Tara called the police, the police called CPS.

Later, I got a call from Jackie. She said that while the cops questioned Cole he told them that Tara was using drugs and abusing Paxton. That's why they called CPS. CPS took a urine sample from Tara while they were there and it tested clean. Maybe because it was a few days or so since she last used, or maybe she keeps a collection of the 2 year old daughter's pee, who knows? I do think she's abusing Paxton, but CPS left him with her. Again.

Tara asked me to be her "support person." CPS likes moms like Tara to have a "support person." I said I would be that. It helps me have better access to the caseworker. Plus it means I'll keep getting Paxton on weekends. Also, since Cole's defense is that Tara is abusing Paxton I'm going to see if I can find out who his appointed attorney is and show him the pictures I have of Paxton's bruises and scratches. Might get CPS to pay closer attention and it might get Cole a lighter sentence. He's an idiot, though. He needs to stay away from Tara. But I hope he gets supervised visitation with his kids. And professional anger management counseling.

This just keeps getting messier.


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## dobielvr (Jun 25, 2021)

Sounds like things may come to light on their own, the way everything is playing out.

And, you won't have to do a thing.  Hang in there.  CPS is getting closer.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 25, 2021)

dobielvr said:


> Sounds like things may come to light on their own, the way everything is playing out.
> 
> And, you won't have to do a thing.  Hang in there.  CPS is getting closer.


I'm thinking the same thing. I hope we're right.


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## Jules (Jun 25, 2021)

It’s a hell of a situation and Paxton is one of the lucky ones because he has you.  Keep fighting.


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## terry123 (Jun 25, 2021)

This is worse than a soap. But maybe it will work out to your and Paxton's benefit.  Like your plan.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2021)

The Amador County CPS took the kids from Tara last night!! But they won't let me have Paxton. The worker is being a total snark-butt about it. She wants to talk to my Sac County CPS attorney first and that won't happen till tomorrow at the earliest.

Please cross all your fingers. Unless you have severe arthritis. In that case just send good vibes.

From what I understand from Jackie (and it's hard to understand Jackie, especially when shes excited) is that Cole was released from jail because Tara dropped all charges. But apparently she didn't cancel the restraining order, and the kids were taken because Cole was well within 500 yards of her and the kids; he's living with them. Moreover, for allowing the kids to be in an unsafe environment, CPS took them. She won't get them back until she finds a safe environment that doesn't include Cole. (They currently live in a house Cole's father owns)


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## hollydolly (Jul 1, 2021)

Well I can only wish everything you wish for Paxton and his siblings... that will be the best outcome...


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> Well I can only wish everything you wish for Paxton and his siblings... that will be the best outcome...


Thanks Holly.

I wish they'd let me take Paxton and not put him in a foster home way over there. And I wish they'd let Jackie/Grandma take the twins. That would be the best outcome.


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## hollydolly (Jul 1, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Thanks Holly.
> 
> I wish they'd let me take Paxton and not put him in a foster home way over there. And I wish they'd let Jackie/Grandma take the twins. That would be the best outcome.


..so I'm sure everyone here will wish that for you too...


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## Pinky (Jul 1, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Thanks Holly.
> 
> I wish they'd let me take Paxton and not put him in a foster home way over there. And I wish they'd let Jackie/Grandma take the twins. That would be the best outcome.


Could you suggest that to CPS? Surely, they should see that would be better than putting Paxton with total strangers.


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## mellowyellow (Jul 1, 2021)

I don’t know how you do it murrrmurr, the stress involved for you personally must be horrific, I know I couldn’t handle it, I would either run off with them and become a hunted fugitive or end up in a mental home.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2021)

Pinky said:


> Could you suggest that to CPS? Surely, they should see that would be better than putting Paxton with total strangers.


I included that in my voicemail to my CPS attorney and also the Amador CPS caseworker.

Jackie called again. The issue Amador has with placing the kids with family is that we might let the father near them, and they consider him dangerous. So happens I also said this is a safe home and I wouldn't let the father near Paxton unless he had a scheduled visitation. And I'm allowed to supervise visits.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> I don’t know how you do it murrrmurr, the stress involved for you personally must be horrific, I know I couldn’t handle it, I would either run off with them and become a hunted fugitive or end up in a mental home.


Don't think I haven't thought of that. Multiple times. I know people in Venezuela and a very kind lady in the US midwest.

But I'd be no help to him from prison.

It is very stressful! I'm a basket case right now.


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## mellowyellow (Jul 1, 2021)

I hope you are looking after yourself and related your situation to your doctor who should give you something to help you through this awful situation.


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## Jules (Jul 1, 2021)

Logic.  If only the CPS worker would use it.  The damage these sudden decisions by CPS can have long term repercussions.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> I hope you are looking after yourself and related your situation to your doctor who should give you something to help you through this awful situation.


Actually, I have an appointment on the 6th. Good timing.


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## terry123 (Jul 2, 2021)

Remembering you and Paxton in my prayers every day.  Good days are coming for you and Paxton, murr!!


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## Murrmurr (Jul 2, 2021)

CPS uses a tactic where they wait until late afternoon on a Thursday to take kids who aren't in immediate danger. They're "closed" on Fri, Sat, and Sun, and they close early on Thur, so this gives them 3 and a-half days of not dealing with anyone except the parents. I left voicemails, but I won't hear back from anyone until Mon, and that's if I'm lucky.

I text Tara a few minutes ago: What happened? How can I help?
Understand that I have to keep a level head. I have to come off as being supportive and helpful, and like it's as much about her as Paxton and the littler ones.

She text back that she'd just arrived at the CPS visitor's center to get her 2 hours with the kids. She'll call me afterward. 
She sent another text pleading her case; "In no way did I endanger my kids...I did not relapse...blah blah blah....call you at 11:00."


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## dobielvr (Jul 2, 2021)

RE: her relapse...remember you said she passed her urine test?
Or, do you really think she may have used one of the kids specimans for the test?

Can you tell if she's high by looking in to her eyes?  Or her movements?

Hoping for the best outcome for you and those children Murrmurr...


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## Murrmurr (Jul 2, 2021)

dobielvr said:


> RE: her relapse...remember you said she passed her urine test?
> Or, do you really think she may have used one of the kids specimans for the test?
> 
> Can you tell if she's high by looking in to her eyes?  Or her movements?
> ...


She did pass the urine test, but it could have been some days after she used. Her mother can tell when Tara is on something, and she told me Tara definitely was when she saw her a couple weeks ago.

Of course I hope she isn't, but she's dealing with a lot. She's got a 3yr-old and twin 2yr-olds, and fights constantly with their father. She wrecked their car and lives out in the boonies, and she gained about 80 pounds after she quit using. She's only about 5ft 2. She acts all badass but she's fragile. And she doesn't have any really good support, only bad influences. That's why I try to be the good support. But it's more for the kids than her.


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## dobielvr (Jul 2, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> She did pass the urine test, but it could have been some days after she used. Her mother can tell when Tara is on something, and she told me Tara definitely was when she saw her a couple weeks ago.
> 
> Of course I hope she isn't, but she's dealing with a lot. She's got a 3yr-old and twin 2yr-olds, and fights constantly with their father. She wrecked their car and lives out in the boonies, and she gained about 80 pounds after she quit using. She's only about 5ft 2. She acts all badass but she's fragile. And she doesn't have any really good support, only bad influences. That's why I try to be the good support. But it's more for the kids than her.


Well, hopefully all this support you give to her, it will ultimately trickle down to the children.

ETA: that made sense when I typed it...lol


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## Murrmurr (Jul 6, 2021)

New information.

Paxton's dad, Cole, had a long phone conversation with Tara's mom, Jackie. Tara was out for the afternoon so Cole felt free to explain what happened, why it happened, and what he's planning.

It was Cole who called the police the day he got arrested. He said Tara verbally berated Paxton for several minutes, getting right up in his face and yelling at him that he was a bad boy and she didn't like him. Cole pushed her away from Paxton and told her to leave him alone....forever. He told her HE'D take care of Paxton, and that Paxton was off-limits to her from now on. Then he took Paxton into the bedroom and shut the door. Tara went in and tried to grab Paxton away from Cole, and Cole picked her up under her arms and deposited her in the hallway. She went back in and started slapping and punching Cole, so he punched her in the arm and she ran out of the room screaming. He called the police and told them every detail of what was happening, and said he wanted them to come out there and bring CPS. And that's what they did.

Cole told the police and the CPS worker that Tara was mistreating Paxton and that she was using drugs. He told them all that Tara was very good to the twins, she only had it in for Paxton. He asked the CPS worker to take Paxton to my house.

The CPS worker did do a drug test on Tara while the cops were there, and it came up negative. But it was a cheek swab test, which is not real reliable. Plus, the kids had no marks on them, and Tara denied everything, and that's why the CPS worker didn't take the kids....not at that time. But she had further testing done on the swab, and it came up positive for methamphetamine and heroine. (the meth was probably cut with heroine, which is fairly common.)

Also, while the police were at their house, the worker told Tara to request a restraining order against Cole, which the cops filed immediately. Five days later, CPS took the kids based on Tara's positive drug test and the fact that she let Cole go back to their home while a restraining order was in place. So, basically, the CPS worker kind of tricked Tara.

The thing is, Cole knew the cops would take him to jail that day even though he told them that Tara hit him first and that she abused their son every day. But he knew that, if Tara didn't press any charges against him, it would only be a 5-day parole hold, which is protocol. She didn't press any charges. He was also sure that Tara would fail a drug test, and he was shocked when that first test came up negative. He told Jackie he was elated when he found out the second one came up positive. Also he knew he'd be drug-tested at the jail, and his would be negative for sure, because he's clean. He told Jackie he doesn't even smoke pot anymore, but he does like to have a few beers once in a while. Jackie asked him how often, and he said two or three times a week.

So, to summarize, Cole risked jail time to report Tara to CPS and protect Paxton. He hired an attorney. He wants to ask the court to let Paxton live with me and give him visitation rights, and he's gonna ask that Tara get custody of the twins. Only the twins. But I'm pretty sure it's not gonna turn out that way. I think there's a good chance Cole and Tara will both lose custody of all 3 kids, and that CPS will put them up for adoption. That will be sad for Cole, but it could be a really good thing for Paxton and his siblings, especially if they all go to the same family.

Meanwhile, the case worker is going to ask the foster parents if I can get visitation. The case worker's name is also Tara, btw. I talked to her on Thursday, and she said she'd call me on Tuesday...so, later today I should know whether or not they'll let me visit Paxton. And while I have her on the phone I'm going to ask if the foster parents are a foster-to-adopt home. If they are, that could mean the kids won't be bouncing from one foster home to another. But just in case that starts happening, I told Tara (the worker) that I'll foster all 3 kids.


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## Devi (Jul 6, 2021)

Fingers crossed for you. Glad that Tara got caught on the drugs. At last!


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## terry123 (Jul 6, 2021)

Devi said:


> Fingers crossed for you. Glad that Tara got caught on the drugs. At last!


Glad too, murr. God luck!


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## Pepper (Jul 6, 2021)

Who is Candace?  Tara's other name?


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## Jules (Jul 6, 2021)

Good for Cole.  He obviously cares about his children, though not quite capable of raising them.  

At least you‘re seeing some progress in the situation.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 6, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Who is Candace?  Tara's other name?


oops. Yes, but I'll keep using Tara.

Man, I proofread like 5 times. >sigh<


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## Murrmurr (Jul 6, 2021)

Jules said:


> Good for Cole.  He obviously cares about his children, though not quite capable of raising them.
> 
> At least you‘re seeing some progress in the situation.


He does care about them, and I think it's admirable that he recognizes he isn't capable of raising them. I feel sorry for the guy, but proud of him for putting the kids first.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 7, 2021)

Paxton's caseworker said she'd call me on Tuesday. Today is Wednesday and I haven't heard from her yet, so I nudged her with a voicemail this morning.

Meanwhile, another topic - Michelle and I married on June 22nd. So far, so good. We won't be buying a house and making it a foster home; Michelle decided to teach. She registered at a nearby college and starts classes in a couple of weeks. Meanwhile she's been taking some child development courses and works 2 or 3 days a week as a teacher's aid at the local Head Start preschool. She's loving it. For now, we're gonna live in my apartment but we'll start looking for a house in the next year or two.

"So far, so good"... Honestly? It's awesome. _She's_ awesome. We're super-happy.


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## RadishRose (Jul 7, 2021)

Didn't you just meet her last week????LOL-seems like it.

Congratulations!​


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## Devi (Jul 7, 2021)

Yes, absolutely — congratulations!


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## Murrmurr (Jul 7, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> Didn't you just meet her last week????LOL-seems like it.
> 
> Congratulations!​


It was back in February....or maybe early March? Several months ago. And it seems a lot _longer_ to me. (in a good way)


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## Murrmurr (Jul 7, 2021)

Picture time!
My great-granddaughter, Maddison, in her new blue jeans and brandishing her first 4th July Sparkler.


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## dobielvr (Jul 7, 2021)

Very cute....love the little levis.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 7, 2021)

dobielvr said:


> Very cute....love the little levis.


Especially from behind. Too freakin cute!


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## Jules (Jul 7, 2021)

What a stylish, young beauty.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 10, 2021)

There's an excellent chance we'll have Paxton this weekend! Both his parents requested CPS let him have every other weekend with Uncle Frank "so as not to interrupt his routine" and the caseworker agreed. She has to run a background check on Michelle first, then get approval from her supervisor, and then she'll call me. The background check won't be a problem. Michelle's never been in any kind of trouble, never used drugs, and she's going to child development classes and works at a preschool, so that's going to be a bonus.


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## terry123 (Jul 10, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> There's an excellent chance we'll have Paxton this weekend! Both his parents requested CPS let him have every other weekend with Uncle Frank "so as not to interrupt his routine" and the caseworker agreed. She has to run a background check on Michelle first, then get approval from her supervisor, and then she'll call me. The background check won't be a problem. Michelle's never been in any kind of trouble, never used drugs, and she's going to child development classes and works at a preschool, so that's going to be a bonus.


Congrats on your marriage and glad things are going well for you at last.  Know you are enjoying the day with Paxton.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 11, 2021)

Maddison


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## terry123 (Jul 11, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Maddison
> 
> View attachment 173233


That is adorable!!


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## Jules (Jul 11, 2021)

She must melt Grandpa’s heart and in a few years she’ll be breaking some others.


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## katlupe (Jul 12, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Paxton's caseworker said she'd call me on Tuesday. Today is Wednesday and I haven't heard from her yet, so I nudged her with a voicemail this morning.
> 
> Meanwhile, another topic - Michelle and I married on June 22nd. So far, so good. We won't be buying a house and making it a foster home; Michelle decided to teach. She registered at a nearby college and starts classes in a couple of weeks. Meanwhile she's been taking some child development courses and works 2 or 3 days a week as a teacher's aid at the local Head Start preschool. She's loving it. For now, we're gonna live in my apartment but we'll start looking for a house in the next year or two.
> 
> "So far, so good"... Honestly? It's awesome. _She's_ awesome. We're super-happy.


Wow! I just saw where you mentioned your wife.......and I said "What?" So had to search your posts. Congratulations! Wish you both the best!


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## Kaila (Jul 12, 2021)

Gosh, I'd missed all of your good news, till now, as well, 
@Murrmurr 

Congratulations, on marrying Michelle, 
and on your likely getting regular visits, with the little one.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 12, 2021)

Kaila said:


> Gosh, I'd missed all of your good news, till now, as well,
> @Murrmurr
> 
> *Congratulations, on marrying Michelle*,
> and on your likely getting regular visits, with the little one.


Thank you, Kaila.
Who knew, right?

We're on pins and needles waiting to hear from Paxton's new social worker. I keep leaving voicemails, not to annoy her but just so she knows I really want this to happen, because it would be best for Paxton.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 13, 2021)

katlupe said:


> Wow! I just saw where you mentioned your wife.......and I said "What?" So had to search your posts. Congratulations! Wish you both the best!
> 
> View attachment 173339


Thanks, Kat. I'm really happy I said yes. Michelle is beautiful, really smart, very caring, and she loves to play. Meaning she's playful like me. She likes having the grandkids around, too, and she's great with Paxton. It's been a lot more fun here with Michelle around. And I love when she says, "Mickey? I made food, honey."  
(Mick is my family nick-name)


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## Murrmurr (Jul 13, 2021)

Jules said:


> She must melt Grandpa’s heart and in a few years she’ll be breaking some others.


She lives really far away, about 500 miles, down in Burbank.  So I don't get to see her much but my granddaughter (her mom) sends me loads of pictures. I have 3 GREAT-grandkids. She's the youngest.

The other 2 live even farther away, in Kentucky. I've only met them once.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 14, 2021)

So I talked to 2 people at Amador County CPS (AmCo) and 2 people at Sacramento County Resource Family Approval (SacCo).

I will definitely have Paxton this weekend, Fri-Sun, and every other weekend going forward. Also, AmCo urged me to renew my foster care license, and SacCo is putting a rush on it. The reason is because AmCo might have to remove Paxton from his current foster home, and if they do they want to place him here even though it's out of their county. And the reason they might have to remove him is because his 2yr-old brother viciously attacks him every day, causing some pretty bad injuries. In fact, when I offered pictures I have of Paxton all bruised and scratched, the caseworker said "Oh, we have plenty." ...Holy frig.

I hope they get the 2yr-old brother into therapy. He might even need medication. I mean, he might have a disorder caused by Tara's drug habit while she was pregnant, it's not uncommon. He yanks the hell out of his twin sister's hair every chance he gets, too, but Paxton is his main target. That could be because their mother treats Paxton differently; she's cold and curt and angry, and the little brother was seeing that all the time.

Anyway, Paxton's gonna visit every other weekend, then probably every weekend, and then maybe he'll move in. And maybe his little sister will, too....aaand Michelle's wish will come true.


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## Jules (Jul 14, 2021)

Sounding positive.  Fingers crossed.


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## dobielvr (Jul 14, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> So I talked to 2 people at Amador County CPS (AmCo) and 2 people at Sacramento County Resource Family Approval (SacCo).
> 
> I will definitely have Paxton this weekend, Fri-Sun, and every other weekend going forward. Also, AmCo urged me to renew my foster care license, and SacCo is putting a rush on it. The reason is because AmCo might have to remove Paxton from his current foster home, and if they do they want to place him here even though it's out of their county. And the reason they might have to remove him is because his 2yr-old brother viciously attacks him every day, causing some pretty bad injuries. In fact, when I offered pictures I have of Paxton all bruised and scratched, the caseworker said "Oh, we have plenty." ...Holy frig.
> 
> ...


Gosh Murrmurr, remember just a month ago you were hoping something like this would happen, and here it is now...all happening right before your eyes.

So happy for you!!


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## terry123 (Jul 14, 2021)

Great news Murr!!  So glad for you and Michelle.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 18, 2021)

I picked Paxton up Friday evening from the CPS visitor's center in a small town about 55 miles away and took him back this afternoon. 110 miles round trip. From now on, they'll bring him to me every other Friday and I'll take him back the following Monday until he starts preschool and has to be back on a Sunday.

When I walked into the visitor's center, Paxton ran to me, his arms in the air, yelling "Unco Pwank! Unco Pwank!" and laughed himself silly while we hugged hello. The Family Services lady who works there said it was the first time she'd ever seen him smile, let alone laugh. She said he doesn't like to hug his mom, doesn't even like to say hi to her, and just mostly plays with the toys there during their 2 hour 3x/week visits.

When I took him back to the same place, I was confused because the doors were locked, so I called that lady and a few minutes later Paxton's foster parents came to get him. No one told me I'd be meeting them there, but it was good meeting them. We talked for a little while. They seem like good people. Paxton cried and said "No, no, no!" while the foster mom buckled him in his car-seat. She told me that was a first. He never cries when she picks him up from visits with his parents.

Her name is Jennifer. She asked me a few questions about Tara, Paxton's mom, and she asked what did I know about Paxton's history. She was shocked when I told her he lived with me from age 3 1/2 weeks to age 2 1/2 years. She said "So, to him, you're essentially his father." She also didn't know that Tara had only gotten her kids back last November, so she only had them for about 9 months when they were taken again.

That got me thinking. Family Court isn't going to look favorably on that. And I told Jennifer that Tara and Cole disappeared when Paxton was 5 months old, and weren't seen again until shortly before his 1st birthday. And they'd visited Paxton sporadically before that. Sometimes they didn't show up because they were high on meth, other times it was because they were sleeping all day. And Tara was pregnant with the twins at the time. The court will be given all that history. Problem is, the judges don't always read through the case file, and will just make a decision based on the case summery instead. That, and the parents' testimony.

But anyway, we had a great weekend. Went to Chuck E Cheese's, visited a farm, helped cousin Eileen plant a tree, and had a belated 4th of July barbecue with my sons and their families.

This is Paxton with his Buzz Lightyear water gun.


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## Gary O' (Jul 18, 2021)

That's a bittersweet post, bud.

Glad things came together.

The little ones are so precious.


Murrmurr said:


> "Unco Pwank! Unco Pwank!"


Oh, that's killer
That'd tear my heart out

Not much affects this ol' geezer....but the little ones.....whoa


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## Murrmurr (Jul 18, 2021)

Gary O' said:


> That's a bittersweet post, bud.
> 
> Glad things came together.
> 
> ...


Honestly, I could barely keep it together. After dropping him off I drove half the way home navigating through watery eyes.

It's gotta stop. I keep envisioning Paxton in the future, as a man, and if this keeps up it's not good. Not good at all. That shatters me.


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## Gary O' (Jul 18, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> t's gotta stop. I keep envisioning Paxton in the future, as a man, and if this keeps up it's not good. Not good at all. That shatters me.


On the flip side, you, sir, may be the example that pulls him thru.

My grandson sent me a text not that long ago
While doing his army stint

In it, he really laid it on
Busted me up into a blubbering heap of wet grey hair and sawdust

I really didn't know the influence I had on him when he was little


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## terry123 (Jul 19, 2021)

So glad you had a great visit.  That is the cutest little guy!!!   Hoping for more to come!!


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## Murrmurr (Jul 28, 2021)

Paxton's weekend is coming up. He'll be here sometime Friday afternoon. I was told by Amador County Family Services that his caseworker will call and ask if the twins can come, too. Mommy requested I have all 3 kids on Paxton's weekends. I talked to Michelle about it and she asked, “In the six months ‘Mommy’ dropped Pax off [almost] every weekend, did she ever ask you to take all 3 kids?”

No, she never did. In fact, Mommy never even took the twins out of the car when she'd drop Paxton off; never considered bringing them inside to visit with Uncle Frank for a while. I barely know the twins. I suppose Mommy figures I can handle all 3 now that Michelle is here to help, but I feel like she's forgetting what these weekends are about. Or she doesn't care.

Paxton’s foster mother reported to the kids' caseworker that Paxton's younger brother attacks him numerous times a day, and Paxton just takes it, just folds up on the floor and cries. The foster parents intervene, of course, but they haven’t managed to prevent it happening. I suppose that because Paxton does nothing in the way of fighting back, and suspecting his little brother might be targeting Paxton because Mommy did, the caseworker assigned Paxton a mental health worker. A child psychologist.

The psychologist assessed Paxton, and decided they're gonna meet a couple times a week. Her initial diagnoses are Significantly Depressed and Emotionally Detached.

Duh. Of course he is. Suddenly and permanently taken from his Daddy (me), from the very happy life he had here, and the only family and only home he’s ever known, not to mention all his belongings, _of course_ he’s depressed and detached!

And yet, at least currently, CPS is _still_ focusing on Reunification. Mommy is going to classes to learn how to be a good person. Naturally, that’ll go well. That’ll fix everything. Nothin’ to it, just change the leopard’s spots. And, if at first they don’t succeed, I wonder how many times Paxton will be put through this?


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## Murrmurr (Jul 31, 2021)

Having a fun, very busy weekend.


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## katlupe (Jul 31, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Having a fun, very busy weekend.


Did you take the twins too?


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## Lewkat (Jul 31, 2021)

Tara isn't going to change Murr.  You recognize this, sadly, the folks running the show are brainwashed into thinking they can change the world.  If the twins are with you as well, you at least can keep an eye on the one targeting Paxton and intercede.   That kid needs a lesson or two on being a decent human being.  God bless your patience.  Good job with Paxton.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 31, 2021)

katlupe said:


> Did you take the twins too?


No. Little brother cried when he couldn't come with. I might take one at a time; Paxton + 1.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 31, 2021)

Lewkat said:


> Tara isn't going to change Murr.  You recognize this, sadly, the folks running the show are brainwashed into thinking they can change the world.  If the twins are with you as well, you at least can keep an eye on the one targeting Paxton and intercede.   That kid needs a lesson or two on being a decent human being.  God bless your patience.  Good job with Paxton.


I agree. Or if she does change, it will be years from now, when she won't be able to deny the impact her actions are having on her kids; like when one is in and out of jail, one is a pregnant teen, another addicted to drugs, and they're all telling her to go to hell.


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## Jules (Jul 31, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> No. Little brother cried when he couldn't come with. I might take one at a time; Paxton + 1.


So who has brainwashed him into thinking that he should be going to visit with you.  You were never directly part of his life.  Tara wants her weekends free.


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## Tish (Aug 1, 2021)

Here is hoping it all goes well for you guys.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 3, 2021)

Jules said:


> So who has brainwashed him into thinking that he should be going to visit with you.  You were never directly part of his life.  Tara wants her weekends free.


I talked to the caseworker about this yesterday. SHE's the one who's suggesting I take the twins, too. I wish I'd asked her why but I didn't. I just told her I'd think about it. Today, I think not. When I picked up Paxton last Friday his little brother cried because he wanted to come, too. But starting next Friday, a CPS driver will be bringing Paxton here and I'll be dropping him off there on Mondays, so the little brother and sister won't be seeing me picking Paxton up, only dropping him off. Problem solved, and Paxton gets to have HIS weekends.

I only would have said yes because I'm a softie. But I'd have probably seen that it was a bad decision because Paxton probably would have become angrier. I figured I could work on bringing them closer, but maybe they're too young for that, and I'd have just made things worse for Pax. I'm sure they'll grow closer as they grow older...naturally, you know? If nothing else, they'll realize they have a lot in common.


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## Jules (Aug 3, 2021)

Paxton is your priority.  You can’t solve all the problems in that family, even if you are a softie.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 3, 2021)

Jules said:


> Paxton is your priority.  *You can’t solve all the problems in that family, even if you are a softie.*


Good advice. I need to stop even trying. No one is listening anyway.

We had a great weekend. Chuckie-Cheeses, a little-league game, and we played in the sprinklers here a few times. Paxton has become clingy. He always wants to sit with me me while I'm in my chair, and puts his arms around my neck a lot and puts his forehead against mine and says "Unco-Pwank" kind of soft and sweet. Turns my heart to molten moosh, but it makes me angry too. Life sucks for this kid, and it didn't have to. This was 100% preventable.


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## Kaila (Aug 3, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Paxton gets to have HIS weekends.


IMO, this is truly important, 
and the most appropriate, best thing, in this situation and at this time.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 5, 2021)

Occasionally, my legs go out, and suddenly it'll feel like they aren’t even there. They go completely numb and lose all strength. It usually happens when I get out of bed, and it’s weird because I can swing my legs out of bed and put my feet on the floor, no problem, but when I go to stand up, I just collapse. It’s only then that I realize I can’t feel my legs. Or my feet. After a few minutes my legs feel like they’re on fire, and the heat intensifies and then ebbs several times. It comes in waves, and it hurts like hell when each wave reaches its peak. I’ve actually yelled really loud a few times, that’s how intense it can get. It literally feels like lava is flowing through the veins in my legs and feet.

Anyway, that used to happen about every 3 to 6 weeks, but it hasn’t happened for several months, until early this morning. Must have been about 3am when I got up to go to the bathroom and when I stood up I immediately did a face-plant onto the carpet. My chin hit pretty hard because my not-fully-awake brain thought I was walking when I wasn’t, so my head and shoulders had all this momentum while the rest of me hadn’t budged.

The fall alone was alarming enough for my poor wife, but when I started getting the sensation that feels like someone’s taking a blowtorch to my lower extremities, she totally freaked out. Every time that sensation peaked, Michelle yelled “I’m calling 9-1-1!” And I kept yelling back, “It’ll pass! Just give it a few more minutes, I’ll be fine!”

Well instead of a few minutes like usual, the fire finally died out after about half an hour. And that’s when my legs usually just tingle, and maybe twitch a bit for a while. Usually. And then I can get up and walk around with my walker until the feeling comes back 100%. But that didn’t happen. Both legs just laid there….dead.

At 6am I finally told Michelle she could go get Josh, a close friend who lives upstairs. He helped Michelle get me to the bathroom (at last! >whew<) and dug my walker out of the closet. Even with my legs gone, just holding myself up on the walker stretched my spine, and after about 10 minutes of holding myself up and letting my dead legs act as traction, they started tingling and I could move them, and started walking…sort of. I had to use the walker till around 8 this morning, and I fell down a few times, unhurt. Michelle went to work late, but she called in so they’re ok with it. She was still kind of freaked out when she left, though.

I’m pretty freaked out too. I don’t know what’s happening. I mean, I know it has to do with my spinal nerves, somewhere between L4 and S1, probably, but I don’t know exactly what’s going on there. I’m really worried I might have to be back in a wheelchair soon.  

Fortunately, I have an appointment with my back surgeon next month. I asked my PCP for a referral last week because of a fierce, very localized new pain in my lower back. The surgeon's office scheduled me for an MRI on Aug 15th, and then I see the surgeon on the 22nd. So, that’s all good. And something that’s really cool; I can go to the medical center’s website and then log into my medical chart to see detailed results of the MRI before I see the surgeon. It’s cool because when you know what’s in the analysis, you can make sure the surgeon doesn’t skip anything, and you know what questions to ask.


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## Kaila (Aug 5, 2021)

That's definitely upsetting, for both of you, @Murrmurr 

Of course, it is good that you have those appointments already planned.
I wondered if anything you did in your movements over the past week, might have exacerbated this episode.  If so, avoid those!
Also, possibly modify _any_thing you can, that _might possibly make it any worse._

Perhaps some alternate method of swinging the legs out of bed, might possibly help to not bring it on? Such as placing a flat surface, partway, so you are not slinging them or sliding your legs all the way to the floor in one go.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 5, 2021)

Kaila said:


> That's definitely upsetting, for both of you, @Murrmurr
> 
> Of course, it is good that you have those appointments already planned.
> I wondered if anything you did in your movements over the past week, might have exacerbated this episode.  If so, avoid those!
> ...


Yeah, I need to slow that process down; like, not think I can just _spring_ out of bed like a 3rd-grader on summer vacation. 
From experience, I know that if I have my hips in a certain position before getting up I can prevent this happening. Just need to take my time.


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## RadishRose (Aug 5, 2021)

What an awful thing to have happened Murr. I feel so bad for you. It sounds serious but you recovered so it may not be as serious as it sounded at first.

 I'm glad you already have your appointments scheduled. I can't imagine what it could be. You think it's your spine? I wish you luck with your visit and I hope you don't need any surgery and that physical therapy will help to improve  your condition.


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## mellowyellow (Aug 5, 2021)

Don't blame you for freaking out, you've good cause I reckon, you don't need this worry and I hope you get better soon.


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## RadishRose (Aug 5, 2021)

Jules said:


> So who has brainwashed him into thinking that he should be going to visit with you. You were never directly part of his life. *Tara wants her weekends free.*


You hit the nail right on the head Jules!!!!!


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## Murrmurr (Aug 5, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> What an awful thing to have happened Murr. I feel so bad for you. It sounds serious but you recovered so it may not be as serious as it sounded at first.
> 
> I'm glad you already have your appointments scheduled. I can't imagine what it could be. You think it's your spine? I wish you luck with your visit and I hope you don't need any surgery and that physical therapy will help to improve  your condition.


I'm pretty sure it's my spine. The spinal nerves, specifically. There's a lot going on in there; I have a relatively mild birth defect - spina bifida occulta, where the back bones didn't completely close around the spinal cord (which is why the military rejected me), so there's a small gap that isn't supposed to be there. The SBO cause scoliosis, and then there was the horrible fall I took about 20 years ago, which caused spinal fractures and crushed some vertebrae. Years later, a result of the fall, damaged nerves branching out of my spine healed and sort of regrew (or rerouted) but they regrew in kind of a mess. And there's no fixing that. What my surgeon did is carve out some bone to make room for these little nests of nerve tissue so they weren't sitting on top of each other. That was causing horrible pain and temporary paralysis, like I had this morning. 

So I don't know if nerve tissue is still growing in there, or they're just touching each other or what. And I don't know if an MRI can capture images of nerves. I don't think so. My surgeon had no idea of the mess that was in there until he opened me up for surgery back in 2017. The MRI is probably mainly to check the hardware and the curvature and stenosis and stuff. 

I think there's a good chance he'll want to do another surgery. Not looking forward to that.


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## dobielvr (Aug 5, 2021)

Ouch!


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## Pinky (Aug 5, 2021)

How frightening for Michelle, even though you knew what was happening!
Hope your face is okay, Murr.

My son-in-law, who had scoliosis when he was younger, went through something similar to what you described, a few years ago, in the middle of the night. Daughter was so frightened, she called 911. His driver's license was suspended for several months.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 5, 2021)

Pinky said:


> How frightening for Michelle, even though you knew what was happening!
> Hope your face is okay, Murr.
> 
> My son-in-law, who had scoliosis when he was younger, went through something similar to what you described, a few years ago, in the middle of the night. Daughter was so frightened, she called 911. *His driver's license was suspended for several months*.


That's something I'm worried about. My driving privileges.

It's really interesting that your son-in-law had scoliosis and then had temporary paralysis years later. I'm going to look into that - the mechanics of it. Just out of interest. 

You know, I think there's a lot of people walking around with unseen spinal problems. Problems that don't show up in an MRI or CAT Scan. Minuscule anomalies that cause major pain, but also problems you wouldn't think are related. Like incontinence, indigestion or breathing difficulties.

My face is ok, thanks. A lasting impression of the carpet is tattooed on my chin, but I'll just skip shaving for a few days and let my demi-beard cover it up.


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## Gemma (Aug 5, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> And I don't know if an MRI can capture images of nerves.


It can.  https://www.houstonmri.com/blog/can-you-see-nerve-damage-in-an-mri-21873.html

A CT scan with contrast would too.  

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you.  I'll be thinking about you!  

You know, if your wife would have called 911 and had you taken to the hospital, you might not have had to wait to get tests done in mid August...they might have ordered them right there and then.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 5, 2021)

Gemma said:


> It can.  https://www.houstonmri.com/blog/can-you-see-nerve-damage-in-an-mri-21873.html
> 
> A CT scan with contrast would too.
> 
> ...


They probably would have given me some Vicodin and left me lying on one of those back-busting gurneys until a qualified MRI technician clocked in at 7 or 8 a.m. That's usually how it goes.

Plus, these episodes have always only lasted maybe 45 minutes tops, total. I was sure it would end "any minute now." Also, dragging myself around on a walker helps bring my legs back. I don't think they'd have let me do that in the ER. Certainly not without a couple of assistants.

I've had several MRIs and various scans, with and without contrast, and none of them caught the messed up nerve bundles in the vertebrae. I even went through 2 image-guided nerve root procedures when they may have been visible, but they just weren't noticed. They are mostly within the foramen, a tiny tunnel in the bone on each side of each vertebra, so it's understandable. They'd have to be specifically looking for these things, and position me in a certain way to capture an image. No one knew they were there until I was flayed open during surgery.

After I talk to the surgeon about this latest episode and some new symptoms, I expect he'll want a CT scan with contrast before moving forward with another surgery. And he knows what to look for.


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## CAKCy (Aug 5, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Occasionally, my legs go out, and suddenly it'll feel like they aren’t even there. They go completely numb and lose all strength. It usually happens when I get out of bed, and it’s weird because I can swing my legs out of bed and put my feet on the floor, no problem, but when I go to stand up, I just collapse. It’s only then that I realize I can’t feel my legs. Or my feet. After a few minutes my legs feel like they’re on fire, and the heat intensifies and then ebbs several times. It comes in waves, and it hurts like hell when each wave reaches its peak. I’ve actually yelled really loud a few times, that’s how intense it can get. It literally feels like lava is flowing through the veins in my legs and feet.
> 
> Anyway, that used to happen about every 3 to 6 weeks, but it hasn’t happened for several months, until early this morning. Must have been about 3am when I got up to go to the bathroom and when I stood up I immediately did a face-plant onto the carpet. My chin hit pretty hard because my not-fully-awake brain thought I was walking when I wasn’t, so my head and shoulders had all this momentum while the rest of me hadn’t budged.
> 
> ...


Did it happen to you any time other than when you get out of bed?


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## Jules (Aug 5, 2021)

Sending positive thoughts for you.  Hope tonight is much better.


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## terry123 (Aug 6, 2021)

So sorry to hear this.  Sort of wish you would have called 911.  They could have accessed your records and the doctor's notes I would think.  But I know how it is going to the ER on a 911 call.  You do have to wait forever.  Maybe if you call the surgeon your visit could be moved up a bit since this was so traumatic.  I really don't understand why the contrast was not done.  I have had several and always with contrast.  Mine have always been with the brain so maybe dealing with the back is a different protocol. Prayers for a good outcome and good answers! 














































prayers


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## Murrmurr (Aug 9, 2021)

terry123 said:


> So sorry to hear this.  Sort of wish you would have called 911.  They could have accessed your records and the doctor's notes I would think.  But I know how it is going to the ER on a 911 call.  You do have to wait forever.  Maybe if you call the surgeon your visit could be moved up a bit since this was so traumatic.  I really don't understand why the contrast was not done.  I have had several and always with contrast.  Mine have always been with the brain so maybe dealing with the back is a different protocol. Prayers for a good outcome and good answers!


Thanks, Terry. Sometimes my medical coverage won't pay for image w/contrast. Not sure why. I emailed the surgeon's office to see about moving the appointment date but the imaging has to be done first, and that one can't be changed. I've been doing fine as long as I take it easy, so haven't been getting as much exercise, but I'll catch up later. Also, my PCP told me to take the 100mg Gabapentin between my Norco doses, which seems to be helping.

Thank you for the prayers, little buddy.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 9, 2021)

Michelle finally agreed to let me post a photo.
This is my Marvelous Mrs. Murr....as sweet as she looks.



Also, the latest photo of my newest great-granddaughter, Mischievous Miss Maddie (aka, the Barefoot Princess). She's looking more and more like her mother


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## Murrmurr (Aug 9, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Did it happen to you any time other than when you get out of bed?


Yes, it used to happen several times a day, but that was before I had major back surgery in 2017. It's happened very sporadically over the past year, like, a handful of times, I'd say, but not before then and not nearly as bad as this last time.


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## PamfromTx (Aug 9, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Michelle finally agreed to let me post a photo.
> This is my Marvelous Mrs. Murr....as sweet as she looks.
> 
> View attachment 177983
> ...


Beautiful wife, @Murrmurr and that baby girl is stinking precious.  Will be keeping you in my prayers.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 9, 2021)

PamfromTx said:


> Beautiful wife, @Murrmurr and that baby girl is stinking precious.  Will be keeping you in my prayers.


Thank you, Pam. We're hoping to go visit Li'l Maddie before the end of the month.
Can't wait!


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## Jules (Aug 9, 2021)

You have beautiful women in your life, @Murrmurr!


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## terry123 (Aug 10, 2021)

Jules said:


> You have beautiful women in your life, @Murrmurr!


Ditto!! Beautiful.


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## Pinky (Aug 10, 2021)

Gorgeous! You are very blessed, Murr


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## Pepper (Aug 10, 2021)

Your wife has a real classy and intelligent face, as well as being a pretty lady.  You may have married above your station!  Years of luck for the both of you.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 10, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Your wife has a real classy and intelligent face, as well as being a pretty lady.  *You may have married above your station!* Years of luck for the both of you.


Oh, definitely. But I tried to tell her .


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## Murrmurr (Aug 24, 2021)

I've been so, so tired lately. There's a new kind of pain in my lower back lately, a bad one, really stubborn. I'll be seeing my back surgeon about it in a few weeks. So that's slowed me down, but I'm pretty sure it's the Gabapentin that's making me feel so tired. I doze off 2 or 3 times a day for well over an hour. That's no fun. My doc reduced the Gabapentin dosage by a lot, but I'm still tired about a half hour after taking it. So, last Friday, I stopped taking it 3 times a day. I just take it when I really have to; once, maybe twice a day. The upside is that it stops the excruciating leg/foot cramps I get. Anyway, I emailed my PCP and we're gonna figure something out with the meds. I hope the back surgeon finds the problem, then maybe he can fix it.

Paxton's coming over next weekend. This time his little brother is coming, too. His name is Landon. Their foster mom told me that Landon has been smearing his feces "all over the house." He's never done that before - I asked his former foster mom, his grandma, and his parents, and they all said Nope, that's new. This little guy is only 2 years and 4 months old and he's been thrust into 3 very different homes; hopeful adoptive parents for over a year, bio-mom's home for around 8 months, and now another foster home. I mean, no wonder he's acting out.

Landon cried the last time I picked up Paxton for his weekend. He wanted to go with Uncle Frank, too. Now that there's a driver bringing Paxton here (and I drive him back), he (Paxton) probably won't fuss too much about Landon coming along this time. I'm gonna take them to my nephew's football game, and maybe the zoo if we can get tickets for the day we want. Sacramento has a really great Zoo; natural environments and all that. Plus, Fairy-Tale Town is across from it.

Anyway, I hope the weekend goes well. I'm gonna be sure to thank Paxton for being an awesome dude by bringing his brother with him. What a great guy for that, right?

Today is only Tuesday. Doesn't feel like it.


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## terry123 (Aug 24, 2021)

So sorry to hear about the pain in your back getting worse.  Hoping you can get some relief soon.  Glad you are seeing Paxton again.  Is this the child that is being mean to Paxton?  Hoping for a good visit and saying prayers for your issues with your back.


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## Jules (Aug 24, 2021)

JMO, please avoid picking up either child this weekend.  That’s so hard when they’re small and want it.  You too.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 25, 2021)

terry123 said:


> So sorry to hear about the pain in your back getting worse.  Hoping you can get some relief soon.  Glad you are seeing Paxton again.  Is this the child that is being mean to Paxton?  Hoping for a good visit and saying prayers for your issues with your back.


Yes, Landon is the little brother who hits, bites, scratches, and throws toys at Paxton. Paxton would be covered with injuries when his mom brought him over on weekends. But since moving in with their new foster family, I've only seen one bite on Paxton; on his arm. No other injuries. The foster mom told me on Monday that the boys are getting along really well now. They spend a lot of time together and even hug each other when they get home from their separate pre-schools.

I can't wait to get to know Landon better. He's sure a cute little guy. He always runs to me for a hug when he sees me. If all goes well, and if Paxton is ok with it, I'm gonna offer to have all 3 of them for some weekend down the road. The little girl, Landon's twin sister, Zoey, is very stand-offish and wary (trauma related, I'm sure). She might not want to come to Aunt and Uncle Murr's house, so I won't pressure her. But maybe she'll gauge Pax and Landon's reactions after their visit here, and then decide to come too. We'll see.

If my back surgeon doesn't see something fixable I'm just gonna ask my PCP for a stronger pain med or dose increase. I've insisted on keeping dosages to a minimum for years now, but I'm over it. I just want to get the pain under control any way I can.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 25, 2021)

Jules said:


> JMO, please avoid picking up either child this weekend.  That’s so hard when they’re small and want it.  You too.


I will. With Michelle here to help, that's totally do-able.

Interestingly, while Paxton is a tall, thick brick of hefty bones and muscle, Landon's a tiny guy with the meat and bones of a bird. I'm not kidding. I've picked him up, and I was like, Whoops, cuz I expected some weight to him, you know? It was like picking up a stuffed animal when you're thinking it's the real thing. He's a twin, they were born premature, and their mom used a lot of meth during the pregnancy. Landon's twin sister is pretty robust looking, but he's undersized for his age. But he's catching up, though.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 27, 2021)

So the kids' knows-everything caseworker put the kibosh on Landon coming along with Paxton this weekend. Pisses me off. She wants me to have the twins every other other weekend and Paxton every other other weekend. So Paxton would be here only 1 weekend a month. He's already had his Unca Pwank weekends cut in half. So stupid. I don't get the point at all.

So Michelle helped me compose this email to the worker:

"I just want to clarify the goal of weekend visit arrangements.

Paxton and the twins have lived under the same roof for *less than a year* - the several months that they lived with their parents, and the few months they have lived in their current foster home. The twins lived for 2 years with the [foster family], and Paxton lived for just under 3 years with me. Due to covid restrictions from mid 2019 through the year 2020, the [twins’ foster parents] and I were unable to enjoy the family weekends and other gatherings we had planned for the children. Paxton and his twin siblings saw very little of each other during this lengthy period.

Beginning in Jan 2021, while living with his parents, Paxton arrived here for visits every weekend with injuries; mostly to his face, but often to all extremities as well. His mother said that Landon caused these injuries (I took many pictures).

While living in their current foster home, my wife and I have observed only one injury on Paxton; a distinct bite on the arm, obviously from a small mouth. Paxton told us that Landon bit him. I believe Landon learned from his mother that Paxton deserved being bullied, or is at least considered a “lesser person” than he (Landon) and Zoey.

The children’s current foster family is obviously diligent in preventing Landon’s bullying of Paxton. [Foster mother] says she is observing a budding closeness between Landon and Paxton.

This is why I disagree with separate weekends at my home for the twins and Paxton. They have experienced years-long separations, and the twins have experienced being treated differently from Paxton at their parents’ home. I feel that alternating Landon+Paxton and Zoey+Paxton weekends will help their foster parents break the “Twins vs Paxton” cycle. I feel it will assist the children in forming individual relationships with each other, as opposed to emphasizing that there is some sort of chasm between twin children and the non-twin child.

Please reconsider your decision about separate twin/ non-twin weekends.

Thanks,
Frank"


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## Jules (Aug 27, 2021)

Perhaps you’ve sent this, if not I have a comment.  You raised Paxton as your son for almost 3 years, he is your priority.  Maybe they don’t realize this.  You want to see him and will accept the others to help Paxton.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 27, 2021)

Jules said:


> Perhaps you’ve sent this, if not I have a comment.  You raised Paxton as your son for almost 3 years, he is your priority.  Maybe they don’t realize this.  You want to see him and will accept the others to help Paxton.


I will accept the others. I WANT to have time with them, I just hate this divide between the twins and him. He definitely feels it. He thinks there's something wrong with him because he has no twin. I want to help Pax be a buddy to his little brother and a champion of his little sister, as though those 2 aren't twins, but just normal siblings. I wanna stop this him vs them thing, a culture his mother built.

When Pax was living with me and the twins with the other foster family, and their bio-mom finally went into rehab and started doing what she needed to do to get them back, she told her CPS attorney that she only wanted the twins, not Paxton. Literally chose the 2 over the 1....because the twins made her special, a super-mom. It's sickening.

If she gets custody of these kids this time, I am going to lose what tiny bit of confidence I have left in the CPS system.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 27, 2021)

Jules said:


> Perhaps you’ve sent this, if not I have a comment.  You raised Paxton as your son for almost 3 years, he is your priority.  Maybe they don’t realize this.  You want to see him and will accept the others to help Paxton.


And I did send it. Believe me, it would have been a whole different email if Michelle hadn't done a lot of editing. Various expletives and questions like where in the hell she got her license deleted. That worker has known the kids, kind of, for 3-4 months. I've known Pax and his situation intimately all his life. Me and the twins' previous foster family are supposed to be part of the "team." Our input is supposed to be important. 

I hope the worker reconsiders. If she doesn't, then I'm going to ask for EVERY weekend, so Pax will have 2 a month and the twins 2 a month. But I hate taking part in emphasizing that some sort of difference exists between twins and singles so they must be kept separate.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 27, 2021)

Thanks a bunch for your comment @Jules . I'm really angry, but not at you for sure.


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## terry123 (Aug 27, 2021)

Good for you, Frank. I like the email.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 27, 2021)

terry123 said:


> Good for you, Frank. I like the email.


Thanks. I hope we get a good outcome.


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## Jules (Aug 27, 2021)

Hoping for the best for all of you.  I know you’re not mad at me, just frustrated with the system and some of the people working in it.


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## PamfromTx (Aug 27, 2021)

Good luck and good night.  I'm deliriously sleepy already.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 28, 2021)

Paxton's parents had a hearing before a judge yesterday. CPS asked that the kids not be returned to their mother! The judge told their father that if he separated from their mother, got his own place that's safe and secure, and had a steady income, he would be given the kids, but as it is the kids are now wards of the state. Their mom is a POS, so this is good news!

Next step is a trial where CPS will ask the judge to terminate the mother's parental rights and persuade the court that it's in the best interest of the children. If the father ends his common-law relationship with the mother and all that, he could maintain his parental rights. And that means this case could drag out for many, many months before either the dad gets custody or the kids are adoptable.

Meanwhile, the the kids will stay with their foster family, who, to me, seem to be good, caring people. But it's also possible the kids could come and live with me and Michelle and we could foster them....that's up to the caseworker and the court.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 31, 2021)

Last week I emailed my doctor that I decided to relent and try an increased dosage of my Norco. We've tried adding Gabapentin for breakthrough pain and a generic of Zoloft to help me manage living with pain, but all that stuff did was make me constantly tired and extremely dull, made my hands shake, made me feel off-balance, and gave me severe diarrhea.

I'm only 2 days into not taking all that stuff, just the Norco and an anti-inflammatory, and I feel SO much better. It's only ok at reducing the pain, but it does reduce it. But I feel like myself again, and that's more than ok.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 31, 2021)

Oh, and about the email in post #402; the caseworker said no, but a new caseworker was assigned. Her name is Christy.

Also, I talked to the kids' foster mom when I dropped Pax off to her on Sunday, and it sounds like she wants them assigned to another foster home sometime soon! I'll post more about it when I get more information. If it's true, Michelle and I are hoping we'll be considered.


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## Kaila (Sep 2, 2021)

I had a thought, I'll share with you here, in case it helps for you and Michelle to consider it as another possible good option,
 though I do fully know, that you and she know the entire situation far better than I do.

If the children are going to be moved to a new/different foster home, I would surely request that Paxton be moved to you instead,
And I would consider requesting in addition, that you have the twins come for regular visitations (with Paxton and you two)
rather than requesting all 3, to move in, initially.

It might be better for Paxton and for everyone, to be more gradual and measured about taking the twins.  You could then decide later on sometime, whether to request the twins to come more or fully.

Again, it's just an idea for you to consider, if it fits.


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## RadishRose (Sep 2, 2021)

I like Kaila's idea.

I think having all three kids all the time is going to be difficult. It's going to be difficult for your health and a strain on your new marriage eventually. JMHO.


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## Jules (Sep 2, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Also, I talked to the kids' foster mom when I dropped Pax off to her on Sunday, and it sounds like she wants them assigned to another foster home sometime soon!


This seems like a red flag for having all of them together.  It’s sounds like there were too many issues.  Maybe you can talk to her.  

Kaila’s idea sounds reasonable.


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## Kaila (Sep 2, 2021)

I like _my_ idea. 
Okay, only kidding!  I thought I'd add this bit of humor.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 2, 2021)

Kaila said:


> I had a thought, I'll share with you here, in case it helps for you and Michelle to consider it as another possible good option,
> though I do fully know, that you and she know the entire situation far better than I do.
> 
> If the children are going to be moved to a new/different foster home, I would surely request that Paxton be moved to you instead,
> ...


I like it, too. You know, I told Michelle from the get-go that I didn't want our home to be a foster home, yet here we are.

I'm really looking forward to talking to the new caseworker, Christy. Now that CPS has contested reunification, Christy will be taking over the kids' case soon. And if bio-mom loses her parental rights at trial, then CPS have to start looking right away for a permanent home via adoption. In CPS/Family Law, permanency is especially urgent in cases with kids who are 0 to 3-years old.

Michelle agrees with me that the twins' former foster parents would be great parents for all 3 kids, and they _want_ all 3. They're loving people, and they have a nice big home with a beautiful yard, in a nice neighborhood with good schools. They have family vacations every year and weekend get-aways and all that, and they're very open to us and the kids' "Gaga" being part of their family.

That said, if/when the kids are available for adoption, but the court decides that they should be separated because Landon is still violent toward Paxton, then Michelle and I will apply to adopt Paxton, and there's an excellent chance we would be approved. In the meantime, if he's placed here for foster care, and the twins are placed with their former foster parents, we'll visit back and forth to make sure the kids have a relationship. 

We keep in touch with the twins' former foster parents by email, and we've discussed this. Their adoption hopes are high, but we all know that CPS and Family Court can disappoint, so they're as mentally prepared for a let-down as anyone can be. Still, I know she'll cry if they don't get the kids. She already feels like the twins' mother and now she's dreaming about being Paxton's mother too.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 2, 2021)

The twins are coming here for the weekend!

I'm really pissed that their current caseworker insists on _not_ separating the twins. I know it would be better if Paxton came every time and bring one of the twins with, but since the caseworker doesn't believe me, I told her I'll do this _every_ weekend instead of every-_other_ weekend. That way, Pax still gets his 2 weekends a month. She agreed. So, we'll have the twins and Pax on alternating weekends.

But hopefully, the new caseworker will agree with me that Paxton + a twin is better for them, and if we can keep it at every weekend that'd be great too.


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## Kaila (Sep 2, 2021)

Busy and hopefully fun weekend for you!


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## Murrmurr (Sep 2, 2021)

Kaila said:


> Busy and hopefully fun weekend for you!


Thank you, Kaila.

I just finished making a bed for Zoey using parts of Paxton's old crib. I hope she likes it. Landon will sleep in Paxton's bed. And I spent a lot of time today child-proofing the apartment, because they're only 2. Michelle will probly do some tweaking here and there, but I think we're good.

We didn't plan a bunch of stuff because we'll mostly be getting to know each other better. Ariel will come over on Saturday and spend the night. She's tons of fun, and a good helper too. Plus there's a boat-load of toys here that they've never played with, so I think they'll have a good time.


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## senior chef (Sep 2, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> A promontory on the pacific coast called Bodega Head is where my life took a bad turn. Me and a dive-buddy just finished checking out this deep freshwater pond situated just inland from Campbell Cove. I’m not sure that pond has an official name but people in the area call it The Hole in the Head. Some guys working there thought we were going to dive it and asked if we had a permit, which we didn’t but that wasn’t the plan anyway, so we crossed the peninsula over to the west shore of Bodega Head and that’s where it happened. I stepped out onto a sturdy rocky shelf to find the best way down to the shoreline and saw it would be a tricky hike so I put on my wetsuit bc it was better than carrying it. Then I stepped back out even farther just to check again which was really stupid bc there was s strong gusty wind up there, and that was literally my downfall.
> 
> I might have posted about this somewhere already but this is a diary, so not only might I repeat myself sometimes, sometimes I won’t use spell check and the grammar and punctuation software. But I’m sure nobody feels pressured to read diaries so, yeah, sometimes I won’t bother with that stuff.
> 
> So anyway, I had a few non-life-threatening spine fractures, and bone shards got stuck in some lumbar and thoracic nerve roots, and my spine shifted out of alignment a few degrees here and there. Moreover, my liver was busted up a bit and some of the contents of my stomach splashed out onto the rock I landed on. Not a good scene. I had surgery and that fixed me up adequately and I healed fast and went back to work in less than 2 months but I had to take it easy for another month. But years along, when I started having severe back pain, my new doctor saw bone shards still in there, along with the misalignment being increased by a significant degree but I didn’t have the second surgery until about 5 years go when it was ok (and kind of imperative) for me to retire.


Oh, man. that is a bad one.  I can't even imagine what your pain must have been. I too broke my back when I fell off a roof and landed on a concrete driveway BUT my spinal fracture was nowhere near as bad as yours. Still the pain was excruciating. Thank God for morphine. After the Dr shot me up, the nurses told me later that I was actually laughing while waiting for the surgeon.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 2, 2021)

senior chef said:


> Oh, man. that is a bad one.  I can't even imagine what your pain must have been. I too broke my back when I fell off a roof and landed on a concrete driveway BUT my spinal fracture was nowhere near as bad as yours. Still the pain was excruciating. Thank God for morphine. After the Dr shot me up, the nurses told me later that I was actually laughing while waiting for the surgeon.


Yeah, I don't think I did a whole lot of laughing before surgery, but afterward, when the surgeon came in to talk about serious stuff like whether I'd walk again or not, I cracked up. I don't remember now what I thought was so funny...maybe because his timing was pretty laughable.

I was kept sedated for a couple of weeks. They didn't put me in a cast - there was a reason for that, but I don't remember what it was - so the sedation was mainly to keep me from moving around so that everything could start healing well.


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## senior chef (Sep 2, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Yeah, I don't think I did a whole lot of laughing before surgery, but afterward, *when the surgeon came in to talk about serious stuff like whether I'd walk again or not, I cracked up.* I don't remember now what I thought was so funny...maybe because his timing was pretty laughable.
> 
> I was kept sedated for a couple of weeks. They didn't put me in a cast - there was a reason for that, but I don't remember what it was - so the sedation was mainly to keep me from moving around so that everything could start healing well.


Could have been the morphine .  all I know for certain is that prior to the morphine I had a great deal of trouble NOT screaming. After the morphine I don't recall anything for 3 days. People said they visited me and brought me sodas and hamburgers but I never could remember that. Dr feel good and his magic syringe.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 3, 2021)

2 1/2 year old twins.

Holy Freaking Cow!!!


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## dobielvr (Sep 3, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> 2 1/2 year old twins.
> 
> Holy Freaking Cow!!!


 Good luck w/that!

You know you'll love it.


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## terry123 (Sep 4, 2021)

I remember when my girls were that age and I thought I would lose my mind!  So cute but got into everything!


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## Murrmurr (Sep 4, 2021)

terry123 said:


> I remember when my girls were that age and I thought I would lose my mind!  So cute but got into everything!


These two are never more than a few feet apart, so while they're getting into things there's a lot of jockeying for position, which involves pushing, which ends in falling, and then there's crying and apologizing and hugging, and we're good to go get into more stuff


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## Murrmurr (Sep 5, 2021)

I make home-made popsicles by pulverizing some fruit and veggies and a splash of juice in the blender.
Paxton's twin siblings happily nomming on their blendsicles:


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## Shero (Sep 5, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I make home-made popsicles by pulverizing some fruit and veggies and a splash of juice in the blender.
> Paxton's twin siblings happily nomming on their blendsicles:
> 
> View attachment 182295


Cuteness overload


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## Murrmurr (Sep 14, 2021)

I got some bad news yesterday. I've kept in touch with the former foster parents of Paxton's twin siblings/little brother and sister. They got the twins right out of the NICU. In fact, the foster mother, Melody, was one of their nurses (and foster dad, Mike, works at the same hospital). CPS took the twins the day they were born because they tested positive for meth, and their mom still had an open case (re: Paxton). They were born premature, underdeveloped lungs w/upper respiratory issues, and one of them was unresponsive and required resuscitation a couple of times.

So, the babies got healthy enough to be discharged, and Melody and Mike, both CPS-certified for _foster to adopt_, took them home. I'd had Paxton for 10 months at that point (he was 3 1/2 weeks old when I got him). When the twins were healthy enough, Melody reached out to me about  getting together so Paxton could visit his brother and sister, and since Paxton's parents had started coming here a couple times a week for supervised visits with Paxton, CPS said the twins could come over on those days. They were about 7 months old, just starting to crawl around. That went on until covid restricted physical visits.

When that happened, Melody reached out to me again and suggested having Google Duo visits (it's like Skype) for the kids. They really enjoyed it; Paxton showed little bro and sis his favorite toys, and Landon especially paid close attention to all the cool stuff, he sang the alphabet song to them, which Zoey especially liked, and it was all good. (I don't have a camera on my computer and no internet on my phone, so my upstairs neighbor actually came down with _his_ phone twice a week at 4pm so we could do this. Shout-out to Jacob!)

Anyway, Mike and Melody had the twins for 2 years, being assured all along that adoption was imminent. But a family court judge disagreed, and their mom was granted custody of all 3 kids in late Oct 2020. Eight or nine months later, CPS took the kids again, this time in another county. They've been in their new foster home for about 4 months now, and during that time Mike and Melody have been in touch with that CPS to let them know they'd like to adopt all 3 kids if the time comes. And it seemed that time was indeed coming when that county's CPS contested reunification at the Family Court hearing about a month ago.

(Finally) the bad news is, Melody found out yesterday, from the kids' CPS appointed attorney, that their caseworker, Tara, is IN FAVOR of reunification! Tara was assigned as the kids' _temporary_ caseworker. Their new caseworker is Christy. I don't know when she's supposed to fully take over, but she probably has by now, a month on from the hearing. The actual trial will be on Thursday the 24th. So you've got a caseworker who JUST took over the case from a temp-caseworker who's in favor of giving bio-mom custody, and who's supervisor wants to terminate bio-mom's parental rights. All this time, Tara gave me the impression that she was NOT in favor of reunification, and, as though she was building a case against Paxton's bio-mom, Tara asked to see those photos of injuries he got during the 8 or 9 months he lived with her. So I emailed them to her. And I'm sure she showed them to bio-mom.

So I have no doubt that if bio-mom is granted custody of the kids (within 2 weeks ), I'll never see Paxton again. She's not gonna let him come over here. She'll probably tell him I'm a mean, horrible man so he'll stop asking to go see Unca Pwank.

My hopes are pinned on the caseworker's supervisor and the kids' attorney, who will request termination of parental rights. And hopefully, Christy will get on board with that.


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## Pepper (Sep 14, 2021)

I'm so sad for you Frank.  My second job was in adoption/foster care and the focus, the big push, is always for reunification.  You, Mike, and Melody may be with your kids again.  Tara still may be in no position to care for them.

My heart goes out to you guys, but it's too early to give up hope.  Sorry, real sorry.


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## Pinky (Sep 14, 2021)

The system appears to be very screwed up. I'm hanging on to the hope that the worst doesn't happen. Someone (other than you) needs to put these kids first. That doesn't seem to be happening.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 14, 2021)

Pepper said:


> I'm so sad for you Frank.  My second job was in adoption/foster care and the focus, the big push, is always for reunification.  You, Mike, and Melody may be with your kids again.  Tara still may be in no position to care for them.
> 
> My heart goes out to you guys, but it's too early to give up hope.  Sorry, real sorry.


Tara (their mom) is so good at lying. So good, she does it all the time cuz it pays off. Plus, it's obvious that Tara (the caseworker) is naive or inexperienced or maybe just stupid, because Tara (mom) has pulled the wool over her eyes twice now; first time is when she closed the case two months early because the house was clean and mom passed a drug screening, and secondly, now, even after mom tested positive for meth, the father gave testimony against her, it's the second CPS case within a year, and these pictures prove she either abuses Paxton or allows Landon to abuse him or both. Even after all that. It blows me away, seriously. 

I guess the kids have to be half-starved, live in a cage, and have broken bones and internal bleeding before anyone "in authority" does what's best for them.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 14, 2021)

Pinky said:


> The system appears to be very screwed up. I'm hanging on to the hope that the worst doesn't happen. Someone (other than you) needs to put these kids first. That doesn't seem to be happening.


It hasn't so far. These kids are gonna grow up *knowing* that no one has their backs, no one gives a crap, and they're on their own.


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## Pepper (Sep 14, 2021)

It's not just the caseworker.  They only report what they think they have seen.  They have supervisors, and the supervisors have a supervisor.  That's the way it was where I worked, a million years ago I know but I doubt if things changed much.  I worked for a very famous adoption agency (one file I found was for Sammy Davis, Jr. & May Britt); when abortion came around they were all cursing "There's no WHITE BABIES Anymore!"  Anyway, they contracted with the city to take on foster care.    
They desperately try to reunify; so many times the kids wound up back in the same foster home that they came from, and often the kids were adopted by the foster parents.  Adoption is where I came in.

I'm not hoping for Tara to fail, but it happened more often than not, no matter how many times the kids were reunified with their "Natural Parents."


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## Murrmurr (Sep 14, 2021)

Pepper said:


> It's not just the caseworker.  They only report what they think they have seen.  They have supervisors, and the supervisors have a supervisor.  That's the way it was where I worked, a million years ago I know but I doubt if things changed much.  I worked for a very famous adoption agency (one file I found was for Sammy Davis, Jr. & May Britt); when abortion came around they were all cursing "There's no WHITE BABIES Anymore!"  Anyway, they contracted with the city to take on foster care.
> They desperately try to reunify; so many times the kids wound up back in the same foster home that they came from, and often the kids were adopted by the foster parents.  Adoption is where I came in.
> 
> *I'm not hoping for Tara to fail*, but it happened more often than not, no matter how many times the kids were reunified with their "Natural Parents."


Tara has failed, imo....as a mother. And it's not just the drugs; I'm absolutely convinced she has mental illness. My wish for Tara is that she get really good professional help. She's not a bad person, but she does bad things and I don't think she can help it. And that's not gonna change unless she gets professional help. But I'm talking _years_ of therapy, because her mental health issues go way back, and meanwhile her kids need to be out of the picture so they won't be victims of her mental instability.

Unfortunately, counties and states refuse to invest in experienced, qualified psychologists/psychiatrists. They give a piss-poor stipend to "counselors" who are reformed addicts and maybe earned an associate's degree in Humanities or something.


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## terry123 (Sep 15, 2021)

So sorry to hear this.  There has to be something you can do.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 15, 2021)

terry123 said:


> So sorry to hear this.  There has to be something you can do.


I think I'm doing all I can but I haven't contacted an ombudsman yet. That'll be my next step if the kids' CPS attorney isn't helpful. She's supposed to call me this week. She's NOT in favor of reunification. In fact, the only person who _is_ in favor is the kids' old caseworker, and she's been replaced.

Here's a new development (a good one...kind of): The kids' grandma, Jackie, called me last night. The kids' father told CPS that he has a drinking problem now, and he asked them to help him get into rehab. Two good things about that is, 1) he recognized the problem and asked for help; 2) CPS deff won't want the kids to go home if he's still going to live there...and he is.

Drinking is a major factor whenever police have to go to their house for loud arguments and/or domestic violence. And they both drink. She always says she only had one or two beers, but he says they get a 12-pack every evening and she drinks 1/3 of it.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 16, 2021)

Today I read the results of an MRI w/contrast that I had a couple days ago. Even though the surgeon anchored a rod to my lumbar spine, the vertebra at L5 has slipped down slightly in front of L4. It isn't causing any narrowing the spinal canal but it's pressing down on the nerve root there. Plus, there are 2 slightly herniated disks and one of those is pressed up against the nerve root on the opposite side. There's a few other things happening that aren't good, but the slippage is why I'm having a lot more pain than usual, and that plus the herniation is what's causing one or both of my legs to go completely numb; literally causing temporary paralysis.

I'll see the specialist next week, and I'm almost positive he's going to want to do another surgery. That's good, though, 'cause the pain is horrible and sudden paralysis of my legs is extremely inconvenient....and scares the crap out of Michelle.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 22, 2021)

My spine specialist doesn't want to do surgery yet....maybe because of covid, idk. Instead he referred me to the pain management clinic where I'll get a corticosteroid-anesthetic injection. If that stuff hits the right spot, I'll be pain free for 4 to 8 months. If not I can't go back for another shot at it for at least 6 weeks. Just the way the cookie crumbles. Getting the injection first can also further inform the specialist about exactly what's going on there. The images were really good but he said he can't tell if the pain is from the deformity that's there, or from the slipped vertebra, which in the same spot and only slightly out of place.

Good news, really. Tara's court date is coming up soon; Oct 7th; so I'm ok with waiting. Hope the injection works, though. That would be heavenly. I've had it before, and man oh man....heaven, seriously. For like 8 whole months.


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## terry123 (Sep 23, 2021)

Hope the injection works.  Good news too about Tara!


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## Murrmurr (Sep 23, 2021)

terry123 said:


> Hope the injection works.  Good news too about Tara!


It's good news I won't be having surgery because that court date is coming up soon and Paxton's fate is hinging on the outcome. I don't want to be recovering from or even preparing for a surgery during all this. 

If Tara loses her case, Paxton and the twins might come here to live. Or they might go to live with the twins' former foster parents who want to adopt them, all 3 of them. That is what I'm hoping for because that would be the best outcome for the kids. But I know how CPS and family court works, so the most likely outcome is that freakin Tara will get her kids back, and if that happens I doubt she'll ever let any of them come visit us again, ever.


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## Pepper (Sep 23, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I know how CPS and family court works, so the most likely outcome is that freakin Tara will get her kids back, and if that happens I doubt she'll ever let any of them come visit us again, ever.


If she needs something, and she will always need something, she will ask you.  Too early to worry.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 23, 2021)

Pepper said:


> If she needs something, and she will always need something, she will ask you.  Too early to worry.


Have I told you lately that I love you?

You're right of course. The last time Tara "boycotted" contact between me and Paxton (for purely selfish reasons) it lasted a few months. That's a significant chunk of time for someone who'd only been around for 36 months. I totally get why people refuse to testify in family court or even to just talk to CPS. You have to decide if you're gonna do more harm than good. And it's six of one to half-a-dozen of the other, imo.

On the plus side (aside from Tara's dependence), Cole, the kids' father, likes me. He advocates for me when him and Tara are arguing about the visits and stuff, and he doesn't let her slander me, especially in front of the kids. But she's cleverer than him.

In any case, my chips are all-in. I'm telling all I know and I gave the kids' attorney their grandma's address and phone number. She might be getting a subpoena. She has first-hand knowledge, an eye-witness _with video_.


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## RadishRose (Sep 23, 2021)

Frank I hope so much that you'll get the shot with eight months of no pain!


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## Murrmurr (Sep 23, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> Frank I hope so much that you'll get the shot with eight months of no pain!


Oh man, me too! The only down-side is that I'll be very tempted to do stuff I shouldn't, risking further collapse of that vertebra, but Michelle will be here with her eagle eyes and her, uh, "gentle" reminders.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 24, 2021)

We're expecting Paxton to arrive for the weekend at around 6pm.

Yay! I hope he likes his new bed. It's the same bed, I just built a platform for it. My CPS foster care worker wanted it off the floor. It's now 6 inches above the floor. No way he'll get hurt if he happens to fall out of it. Moot anyway, because he sleeps with us at night. He takes his naps in his own bed, though. 

Pax still has horrible nightmares, and that's why we let him sleep with us. He has them, but at least I'm right there so he can settle down and get back to sleep (for a while).


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## Murrmurr (Sep 27, 2021)

We took Paxton to the beach this weekend. It wasn't the first time he's seen the ocean but he doesn't remember seeing it before.



I chatted with his foster mom when I took him "home" on Sunday. She said "all the workers" met with her last week to explain that they're going to focus on reunification now, so they need her to help facilitate a smooth transition. That means they don't want her to gripe about anything when the kids start spending more time (unsupervised) with their mother. They'll start off spending 24 hours a week, then 48 hours the following week, then 72 hour weekends.

Weekends.

She says she's all for it. She actually said she thinks reunification is in the kids' best interest, but that was the workers talking. The foster mom doesn't know bio-mom at all. Caught a glimpse of her a few times, but that's it.

On Oct 7th, court will decide whether or not to terminate bio-mom's services, which will include unsupervised over-night and weekend visits, and weekly therapy for Paxton and his mother with a family counselor. The counselor will observe how they interact and suggest things Tara can do to form a close bond with Paxton. Sounds peachy but I'm extremely skeptical because the state doesn't employ well educated professionals, or even ones who've had adequate experience with clients who have real mental disorders. State funded family therapy is fluff. Scripted nonsense. Success is built-in to ensure continued funding and avoid having to re-evaluate and improve methods. And Tara is pretty good at pretending to be sincere and willing and selfless. And an innocent victim. While she was in rehab she had the staff eating out of her hand.

The kids' attorney is against reunification, but maybe she'll have to pretend to support all this BS. I'm gonna look online for cases where the child's appointed attorney disagreed with CPS. Might cheer me up.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 3, 2021)

We had a pukefest last night. The twins have their own beds, but at about midnight, 4 hours after their bedtime and 2 hours after ours, Landon woke up crying and Michelle brought him to our bed. Maybe 10 minutes later, Zoey tapped me on my eyelid, and I lifted her up onto the bed, too. And then I decided I may as well go to the bathroom.

The screaming and crying started just as I flushed and I ran back to our room to find Michelle and Zoey sitting up whimpering, with vomit dripping off their hair and down their faces, and Landon sitting there with a lap full of it, just staring at them.

I had a towel in my hand, so I wrapped it around Michelle’s head and she carried the kids to the bathroom. They showered while I changed the bedding. Landon didn’t have a fever and he didn’t eat anything you’d think would cause tummy troubles, so not sure what caused him to toss his cookies in the middle of the night. After they were all cleaned up I tucked Zoey into her own bed and Michelle carried Landon out to the rocking chair. Next thing I knew it was 6am, Zoey was tapping on my eyelid and Landon handed me my slippers, all smiles, like nothin' in the world happened.


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## Pepper (Oct 3, 2021)

Heavy crying & emotions can make a person puke.  Did he have a bad dream?


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## Murrmurr (Oct 3, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Heavy crying & emotions can make a person puke.  Did he have a bad dream?


Paxton has bad dreams every night, so maybe Landon does too...upsetting ones. He woke up crying the night before, too, so we let him sleep in our bed. I'm gonna ask his foster mom about it when I take them home.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 3, 2021)

I drive 110 miles round trip to pick up the twins and then another 110 to take them back to their foster parents. On top of that, we have the twins from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon, and on top of that we were awakened for a puke party last night.

I Am Knackered.

And I don't even get the point. When their CPS caseworker asked if the twins could have weekends with me, I figured she was considering placing them here for foster care. So I said yeah, sure, and renewed my foster care license. Plus, I was worried if I said no then maybe she'd put the kibosh on Paxton's weekends. Thing is, the twins hardly know me. Now that I've learned that the caseworker supports returning all the kids to their mom, I don't get why she even came up with the idea that the twins should have weekends with *Paxton's* "Uncle Frank." Makes no sense. It's pointless, really.

Anyway, Michelle is insisting I eat something now, and then I'm gonna nap.


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## RadishRose (Oct 4, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I don't get why she even came up with the idea that the twins should have weekends with *Paxton's* "Uncle Frank." Makes no sense. It's pointless, really.


I tend to agree.


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## Kaila (Oct 4, 2021)

I am not sure it even helps the twins, at their age, and in their situation.  With the long car ride for them, and sleeping in different places.
Unless giving the foster parents these breaks, make them cope with better patience, when the children are with them.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 4, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> I tend to agree.





Kaila said:


> I am not sure it even helps the twins, at their age, and in their situation.  With the long car ride for them, and sleeping in different places.
> Unless giving the foster parents these breaks, make them cope with better patience, when the children are with them.


Exactly, Kaila. It struck me last night, what's in it for them? Just more disruption to their normal routine. Landon cried once when I picked up Paxton bc he wanted to come to, but he was just curious...Paxton would be all jazzed about going to Uncle Frank's and Landon felt like he was missing out on something fun, or whatever.

@RadishRose - Thanks, hon. Seriously, I feel kind of alone wondering why we're doing this - I mean, if it's not bc the plan was to let us foster the 3 of them then why? I've got nothing against the twins, but every Thursday I have to hide a bunch of Paxton's toys and things because the twins break stuff. These things are nothing special to them, and that's understandable. 

To them, my apartment is just a place full of toys that happens to have a nice old man and a pretty lady in it. To Paxton, it's his _*home*_. And I'm still his Dad. When he and I talk 1:1, and I do my best to explain what's going on in his life, he always says "But you're really my Daddy, right?" Freaking chokes me up every time. I wanna say "Damn straight, dude!" but I can't. And not bc it isn't technically true, but bc if it was true then I would be culpable for all his suffering and all this turmoil, and Dad's just don't let this kind of crap happen. That's not a good model.


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## RadishRose (Oct 4, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Exactly, Kaila. It struck me last night, what's in it for them? Just more disruption to their normal routine. Landon cried once when I picked up Paxton bc he wanted to come to, but he was just curious...Paxton would be all jazzed about going to Uncle Frank's and Landon felt like he was missing out on something fun, or whatever.
> 
> @RadishRose - Thanks, hon. Seriously, I feel kind of alone wondering why we're doing this - I mean, if it's not bc the plan was to let us foster the 3 of them then why? I've got nothing against the twins, but every Thursday I have to hide a bunch of Paxton's toys and things because the twins break stuff. These things are nothing special to them, and that's understandable.
> 
> To them, my apartment is just a place full of toys that happens to have a nice old man and a pretty lady in it. To Paxton, it's his _*home*_. And I'm still his Dad. When he and I talk 1:1, and I do my best to explain what's going on in his life, he always says "But you're really my Daddy, right?" Freaking chokes me up every time. I wanna say "Damn straight, dude!" but I can't. And not bc it isn't technically true, but bc if it was true then I would be culpable for all his suffering and all this turmoil, and Dad's just don't let this kind of crap happen. That's not a good model.



Bless you Frank for being so good to these kids.
In my opinion lose the twins, sorry to say.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 4, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> In my opinion lose the twins, sorry to say.


I'm gonna email the worker today. I'll focus on the fact that it doesn't benefit them. And it doesn't. It's actually less beneficial than a trip to the local playground.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 6, 2021)

The Pain Management Clinic was supposed to cal last week but they didn't, so I called them. I called Thur and Fri, and hung up after being on hold more than 10 minutes, but got through today. I'm scheduled for a corticosteroid injection on Monday afternoon. The mix includes an anesthetic that's supposed to be long lasting. I sure hope it is. And while it's working I'm sure I can take less of my Norco tabs.

Effectiveness is solely reliant on the NP hitting the right spot. I've never been seen by her, I don't think, so I hope she knows what she's doing. Hope she's the one who attended my last procedure; nerve root injections. Aside from waking me 3 freaking times from the deep meditation I was doing, she was ok.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 7, 2021)

At 9:30 tomorrow morning, the trial begins for Paxton's mother. Court will decide whether or not CPS "services" will be terminated. Services include relapse rehab, psych counseling aimed at establishing a bond between her and Paxton, and whatever other programs the court orders that are steps to reunification. Paxton's grandma, Jackie (the kids call her Gaga) has been subpoenaed. No guarantee she'll be called to testify, but I hope so. 

Jackie can testify about Tara and Cole's drinking and drug use, about how Tara treats Pax totally differently than she treats the twins. Tara's mean to him. She's super sweet to the twins but she's super harsh with Paxton; talks to him like she doesn't even like him, like he's a thorn in her side, a POS. Plus, there's no question that about half the bruises I've seen on him are from her. And the twins pick up on that, and the little brother hits, scratches and/or bites him every freaking day. Interestingly, I've seen only one small bruise and one bite mark on Paxton since they started living with their foster family. And the foster mom says the kids have grown close and are actually loving to each other and enjoy hanging out with each other.

The kids have a new attorney. Jackie told me she's a bulldog, a lot more determined than their previous attorney. Plus, the previous attorney told me that the judge is already leaning toward terminating services. He (or she) has to base the court's decision on evidence and within the confines of the law, Tara's legal rights and all that, but I'm feeling pretty hopeful. Been there before, but I _have_ to be hopeful. It's all I've got right now.

And I'm trying to keep in mind that, if Tara wins this round, it ain't over. She's got to attend the programs, pass the drug tests, go to counseling, show adequate progress, and she'll be evaluated all along the way. She habitually "called in sick" the last time she got CPS services. So that's possible trip-up #1.

Cole's not supposed to be living with her, but he does. I don't know how him and Tara are going to keep that secret. I suppose they'll figure a way, but that's possible trip-up #2. She'll start getting the kids for overnight visits and weekend visits, and if Cole isn't there and she's trying to manage 3 toddlers without him and drugs or alcohol, she's going to get uptight and frustrated. The program facilitators and her psychologist will see that because when Tara's frustrated and angsty, it totally shows. Possible trip-up #3. 

And if the judge gets one bad report or poor evaluation, or hears of the slightest concern, there's no way the judge will give Tara any more chances. She'll be done.   So, yeah, even if the verdict goes her way tomorrow she's still an idiot, so I'm still hopeful.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 7, 2021)

Welp, I'm all stressed over the trial tomorrow but I need to go try and get some sleep.


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## terry123 (Oct 7, 2021)

Wish you could testify!!!


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## Murrmurr (Oct 7, 2021)

terry123 said:


> Wish you could testify!!!


The attorney asked if I'm available and then said she'd call me back. She didn't call back. 

I just got a text from Jackie; I think she's saying the trial is pushed forward because Tara and Cole changed their recommendation (??). I think it's about if they can live together. Also, Cole is back in prison for parole violation...because they're living together and they're not supposed to. Tara might be shooting herself in the foot.

Jackie's waiting to be called. Or not.


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## RadishRose (Oct 7, 2021)

Wow I know you're wound up Frank I don't blame you!

 Please try to relax and take care of yourself; it's the most important thing. You can't be a nervous wreck.

 I truly hope for the best and look forward to hearing about the result.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 7, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> Wow I know you're wound up Frank I don't blame you!
> 
> Please try to relax and take care of yourself; it's the most important thing. You can't be a nervous wreck.
> 
> I truly hope for the best and look forward to hearing about the result.


Yeah, I asked Jackie to stop texting me until it's over.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 7, 2021)

Court adjourned. Trial pushed forward to Nov 4th.

I'm sure the judge will remember that Cole violated parole and Tara was complicit, demonstrating their refusal to follow the rules, obey the law, get with the program. 

The way Jackie put it, Tara's CPS caseworker is "so far up Tara's a$$ it's not even funny." It wouldn't surprise me if the caseworker is getting her meth and/or weed from Tara. Jackson, CA, is a small, lovely old-timey town absolutely crawling with potheads and tweakers.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 11, 2021)

Had an interesting conversation with Paxton's foster mom when I dropped him off to her yesterday.

Apparently the chances of Tara getting the kids back gets slimmer by the day. Their father is back in prison for violating his parole. The terms of parole include that he has to live in Sacramento County, but he's been living with Tara in Amador County all this time. Also, the kids' new attorney discovered Tara has a criminal history that CPS didn't bother to look into.

So, the foster mom told me CPS is already looking at prospective adoptive couples and families. She said the court doesn't want to separate Paxton and the twins, but she (foster mom) gave a formal statement saying that Landon's violence toward Paxton started again, and it's worse than ever. Landon attacks Paxton every day, every chance he gets. In her statement she also said she thinks the best permanent placement for Paxton is with me (and Michelle). 

She said she wrote a whole page about how it's obvious Paxton loves me (and vice-versa), what a heart-breaking scene it is when I drop him off at her place, and how he talks about me all the time and asks to see me every day. She wrote that, in Paxton's mind, I'm Dad, and that, in her opinion, I am indeed Paxton's Dad and he belongs with me.

Also, she told me Paxton is self-harming. When she said Landon started attacking him again, I said "Oh, is that why his face is scratched up?" and she said "No, he did that to himself." She said that after he realized the twins went to visit me last weekend, he ran to his room and started clawing at his face. When she saw my reaction to that, she said, "You didn't know? So, he's never done that before?"

No, he's never done that before! Not as far as I know. It never even occurred to me that toddlers self-harm! But I knew it was extremely upsetting to him that I was taking the twins every other weekend and leaving him behind, and that's the main reason I stopped doing it. I told CPS "not beneficial [to the twins]" - cuz sometimes you have to pussyfoot with them and use their terminology and crap - but the main reason was because Paxton doesn't understand why CPS asked me to have "twins weekends" (*I* didn't even understand why) and it hurt him deeply....just another thing on a long list of emotionally damaging things, and I knew that.


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## Jules (Oct 11, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Paxton doesn't understand why CPS asked me to have "twins weekends" (*I* didn't even understand why) and it hurt him deeply...


It sure doesn’t make any sense but I’m not a supposed expert..  You have to wonder if this is SOP or just something this case worker thought up.


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## RadishRose (Oct 11, 2021)

The twins don't belong with you. It's gonna cause more trouble down the road, imho. Visiting with Paxton is good for Paxton and you, but you don't have a history with these twins and they have none with you. Like you said, it doesn't make sense.

I shouldn't say anymore about this. I'm certainly no expert, I'm just saying what makes sense to me and wish you the best.


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## Pinky (Oct 11, 2021)

How soon can the powers that be, put Paxton with you and Michelle? If he's self-harming, the sooner the better.

I can't see how it can be beneficial to the twins, Paxton, or you - to have the twins over. 

I hope they can get the ball rolling, and not waste any more valuable time in getting Paxton on the road to healing.


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## terry123 (Oct 11, 2021)

Pinky said:


> How soon can the powers that be, put Paxton with you and Michelle? If he's self-harming, the sooner the better.
> 
> I can't see how it can be beneficial to the twins, Paxton, or you - to have the twins over.
> 
> I hope they can get the ball rolling, and not waste any more valuable time in getting Paxton on the road to healing.


Same here!


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## Kaila (Oct 11, 2021)

Is the foster mom trying or hoping, to adopt the twins?


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## Murrmurr (Oct 11, 2021)

Kaila said:


> Is the foster mom trying or hoping, to adopt the twins?


No. The foster parents just adopted a 3 year old girt about 2 weeks go. They have 3 grown children and 2 still at home, plus the 3 yr old.

She told me that she would adopt Paxton in a heartbeat if they hadn't adopted the little girl. She said she can't understand why their mom favors the twins over Paxton; "He's so sweet, so kind and helpful. You've done a great job with him, Frank, and don't think that won't make a difference in his life." 

I know why Tara favors the twins. It's because they're twins. She has this messed-up idea that only Super-Moms have multiple births. It's sickening, cuz it's not about the kids at all, it's about people's impression of her.

Paxton's little sister's teacher told foster mom that she wants to adopt the twins but she doesn't want Paxton. Foster mom said (to the teacher) "You don't know what your missing" but she didn't try to talk her out of it because she'd like to see Pax & the twins adopted separately. They just do better apart. Plus, she's hoping I get Paxton.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 11, 2021)

Jules said:


> It sure doesn’t make any sense but I’m not a supposed expert..  You have to wonder if this is SOP or just something this case worker thought up.


I think it's the latter, an idea she came up with based on nothing.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 11, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> The twins don't belong with you. It's gonna cause more trouble down the road, imho. Visiting with Paxton is good for Paxton and you, but you don't have a history with these twins and they have none with you. Like you said, it doesn't make sense.
> 
> I shouldn't say anymore about this. I'm certainly no expert, I'm just saying what makes sense to me and wish you the best.


When the caseworker first suggested I take the twins every other weekend, I suggested it be Paxton plus one or the other every weekend, reasoning that I could help them learn to be closer and actually protective of each other, as opposed to Landon biting, hitting, and scratching Paxton.

She was all "Talk to the hand" about that idea; like I don't know my wazoo from a hole in the ground.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 11, 2021)

Pinky said:


> How soon can the powers that be, put Paxton with you and Michelle? If he's self-harming, the sooner the better.
> 
> I can't see how it can be beneficial to the twins, Paxton, or you - to have the twins over.
> 
> I hope they can get the ball rolling, and not waste any more valuable time in getting Paxton on the road to healing.


I honestly don't think the judge will allow us to adopt Paxton because of my age and health issues.

But a trial is scheduled for Nov 4th, 8:30am. The kids' attorney asked me to keep that date open as she may ask me to testify. 
I'm ready for that! This crap's gone on long enough; these kids need stability asap.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 12, 2021)

I went to the Pain Clinic yesterday all jazzed up thinking I was gonna get the epidural corticosteroid injection. It was for a consult. A PA asked me 20 questions and we played the Rate Your Pain game.

One question was "Are you okay?" because she could tell I was PO'd. She apologized, but it wasn't her fault. The insurance company just _has_ to have a "consult" ...still, after answering the same firkin questions every single visit for nearly a decade, which could have been done over the phone. But noooo, I had to shower and shave, find something smart yet comfortable to wear, and refrain from smoking the whole drive over there. 

Ok, not that tough, but I was in the mood for pain relief, not answering the same monotonous list of questions and pointing to numbers on that stupid pain-level chart.  "9. 9. Yep, also 9. It's always gonna be a 9."


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## Kaila (Oct 12, 2021)

Sometimes I wish we could remind them to read our chart, or look at our conditions, and ask _how they would feel_; or that we wish they could walk in our shoes for only 1 month....but I understand all the reasons they started asking that, repeatedly.

Because they _hadn't ever_ asked it, at so many times in past decades, to people they should have simply listened to. Ugh.

So now they are required to write down a number, endlessly, and we are required to be polite and patient, and to remember, it's not their fault.  I know, _you know all of that too!_

But now it is overused, when it shouldn't need to be asked again, or made into a full appointment, without any relief efforts made.

Perhaps you should have taken your avatar pumpkin along, and pointed to him as your replies;
Or better yet, washed him up and sent him, in your place!


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## Kaila (Oct 12, 2021)

BTW, Your Pumpkin _Double_, does not need a shave; 
He's still got that baby-face skin of his.


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## Kaila (Oct 12, 2021)

I had a thought, not for right now, but later , 
If you get to the point of making an all-out case for custody of  Paxton, perhaps you might involve your children in demonstrating that they too, want to help to create a whole family for him, which would provide lots of support and safety net, for him and your potential parenting.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 12, 2021)

Kaila said:


> Sometimes I wish we could remind them to read our chart, or look at our conditions, and ask _how they would feel_; or that we wish they could walk in our shoes for only 1 month....but I understand all the reasons they started asking that, repeatedly.
> 
> Because they _hadn't ever_ asked it, at so many times in past decades, to people they should have simply listened to. Ugh.
> 
> ...


With all the forms and questionnaires and charts I've filled out online and on paper, the only question that needs to asked is "Have there been any changes?"

Same with my address and phone number; do they really have to say those out loud when I finally reach the counter and there's still 5 people behind me? Can't they just ask if my address and phone number have changed? Or just give me a few digits instead of going all the way to the end of the zip code and barking out my whole entire phone number.

(I'm still miffed)


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## Murrmurr (Oct 12, 2021)

Kaila said:


> I had a thought, not for right now, but later ,
> If you get to the point of making an all-out case for custody of  Paxton, perhaps *you might involve your children in demonstrating that they too, want to help to create a whole family for him, which would provide lots of support and safety net, for him and your potential parenting.*


CPS is FINALLY at one with the kids' attorneys. CPS will recommend _termination of services_ for their mother at trial on Nov 4th. If the court agrees, she's pretty much done. She'll even lose her CPS appointed attorney; she'll have to actually hire one if she wants to appeal or whatever.

So, this means the kids are much closer to being available for adoption through CPS. Also, it looks like CPS is considering the current foster parents' recommendation to split the kids up - Paxton to one adoptive, the twins to another, because of Landon's frequent physical attacks on Paxton. Their CPS worker called me today and asked for the twins' former foster parents phone number. She wants to set up a visit to see if the twins remember them, how they react and respond to them. They were taken from those people (given back to their mom) when they were 22 months old. They're 28 months old now.

Whether or not me and Michelle will be considered to adopt Paxton, the worker didn't say. But yes to your comment; CPS sent each of my kids a form to fill out that asked about my parenting style, my financial responsible-ness, their involvement as family, and even if they could basically be back-up parents if anything happened to me. It was all good.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 12, 2021)

Kaila said:


> BTW, Your Pumpkin _Double_, does not need a shave;
> He's still got that baby-face skin of his.


That pumpkin might show up with a genuinely happy face before the end of the month   (< um...less creepy than that)


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## WheatenLover (Oct 13, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Ok, not that tough, but I was in the mood for pain relief, not answering the same monotonous list of questions and pointing to numbers on that stupid pain-level chart.  "9. 9. Yep, also 9. It's always gonna be a 9."


I hate the pain level chart. I always think that level 10 is akin to one cutting off one's arm without anesthesia. Plus, people rate pain differently.  I am rather stoic, but do not have a higher pain tolerance ... just because I don't show it, doesn't mean I'm not in pain. Plus, I can't decide whether my pain is level 3 or say, 7. I do know that my back pain can be so severe that it requires percocet to make it diminish at all (it takes away the pain completely, and nothing else works at all). I have taken it only twice in a few years, so I'm not well on the way to becoming an addict. I had saved the percocet from a dentist after having a tooth pulled.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 13, 2021)

WheatenLover said:


> I hate the pain level chart. I always think that level 10 is akin to one cutting off one's arm without anesthesia. Plus, people rate pain differently.  I am rather stoic, but do not have a higher pain tolerance ... just because I don't show it, doesn't mean I'm not in pain. Plus, I can't decide whether my pain is level 3 or say, 7. I do know that my back pain can be so severe that it requires percocet to make it diminish at all (it takes away the pain completely, and nothing else works at all). I have taken it only twice in a few years, so I'm not well on the way to becoming an addict. I had saved the percocet from a dentist after having a tooth pulled.


Aside from Norco, all the pain relievers I've tried make me sleepy. Probably because my liver doesn't function optimally.

I do my best with their stupid pain level charts, ticking off the number that's most honest, but I think they just use them to see if you're consistent. The problem I have with it is, (as you probably know) you can have 4 or more different types of pain in the same area and you can tolerate some types better than others. I suspect some person who worked for an insurance company invented that chart; some person with a healthy back.


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## dobielvr (Oct 13, 2021)

One thing about that pain chart is that your (my) pain level is different every day.  How are you supposed to gauge that?
I haven't had to do one in along time...but really it just depends on the day. 

I think they need it for insurance purposes too.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 15, 2021)

Got a text from this young lady named Alex who oversees the CPS visitors center, where Paxton and his siblings visit with their parents and grandmother. After I told the kids' caseworker that I don't think having the twins on alternate weekends is of any benefit to them, that had us back to Paxton coming here every other Fri through Sunday, but Alex just text me to ask if I'd like to have Paxton _every_ weekend. Oh hell yeah!

I'll pick him up every Friday and they'll come and get him on Monday! Yay!

This makes me wonder if CPS plans to let him move here if court decides to terminate services for his mother. The trial is on Nov 4th. So it's possible Paxton will be moving here in a couple of weeks! 

Also, the kids' caseworker called me yesterday and asked for the phone number to the twins' former foster mom, and I gave it to her. They want to set up a visit between the twins and their former foster parents to see if the twins remember them, see how they interact, etc. So it seems like they're thinking about sending the twins to live with the former foster parents, and Paxton to live with us. This is IF the court terminates bio-mom's services, which is one step closer to terminating her parental rights.

It could be several months before the kids are available to adopt, and maybe that won't even happen, but meanwhile, Pax might be living here and the twins might be living with the family who had them for the first 22 months of their lives.

*happy dance*


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## Murrmurr (Oct 15, 2021)

Also, my (renewed) Foster Care license came in the mail yesterday, now prominently displayed on the "family wall".


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## terry123 (Oct 15, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Also, my (renewed) Foster Care license came in the mail yesterday, now prominently displayed on the "family wall".


So happy for all of you!!


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## PamfromTx (Oct 15, 2021)




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## Murrmurr (Oct 15, 2021)

PamfromTx said:


> View attachment 189336


It's a good day.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 20, 2021)

From this coming Friday until the following Wednesday we'll have all 3 toddlers here; 3yr old Paxton and his 2 yr old brother and sister, who are twins.   

Their foster mother has to go out of state for a few days, and asked us to provide what CPS calls Respite Care. The last family that provided respite sent all the kids home sick; vomiting, watery stools, fever, and tummy-aches; so she asked me and Michelle to take them this time. My granddaughter, Ariel, will come and help, too, bc Michelle has school and a part-time job. 

This will be educational (positive spin). And probably the first thing we'll learn is that we definitely need a bigger place. Two adults and 4 kids in a 1 bedroom apartment. If nothing else, it'll be cozy. But I'm thanking myself for ignoring an impulse I had a few months ago to adopt a dog or two.


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## Jules (Oct 20, 2021)

What a heck of a system that ‘tries’ different people to see what works for babies/kids.  After 22 months it was pretty darn obvious that any of the kids were happy in their original placements and devastated when they were removed.


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## terry123 (Oct 20, 2021)

Sounds like you do need a bigger place.  Do you have some sleeping bags for the kids.  Mine used to like to sleep in them on the floor of their room.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 20, 2021)

Jules said:


> What a heck of a system that ‘tries’ different people to see what works for babies/kids.  After 22 months it was pretty darn obvious that any of the kids were happy in their original placements and devastated when they were removed.


In California (and probly most states) CPS shoots for getting young children into a permanent home by the age of 18 months. For some reason the Family Court judge was extremely lenient with Paxton and the twins' mom. (If I had to guess, I'd say they were meeting somewhere outside the courtroom.) He gave her not two, but three chances to start over - she dropped out of rehab twice, and each restart cost the kids 6 months.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 20, 2021)

terry123 said:


> Sounds like you do need a bigger place.  Do you have some sleeping bags for the kids.  Mine used to like to sleep in them on the floor of their room.


We already plan to buy a house next year. We were thinking 2 bedrooms, but we've decided to get a 3-br house.

When the twins were spending weekends here I made a bed for Zoey using parts of Paxton's old crib. It's really easy to assemble and disassemble, so it's stored in our closet until needed. Plus we have a folding cot stored under our bed, our couch converts to a double bed, and Paxton has his own bed.

If the 3 kids are placed here permanently, Michelle and I will have to sleep in the livingroom until we get a bigger place because, per CPS regulations, children over age 2 cannot sleep in the same room as the parents (at least, not until after the parents are granted full legal custody, and it's no longer CPS's concern). Still, we'll want 3 bedrooms.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 20, 2021)

terry123 said:


> Sounds like you do need a bigger place.  Do you have some sleeping bags for the kids.  Mine used to like to sleep in them on the floor of their room.


Oh, and also, CPS says No to kids sleeping on the floor, even if their on a mattress.

Paxton's bed (that he still has) was on the floor, and the home inspector liked it a year ago, but this year she said it had to be off the floor, so I built a platform for it on 5" legs. I couldn't buy a bed frame because it's an odd size; 3ft x 4ft. (It's actually a dog bed for very large dogs)


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## Murrmurr (Oct 24, 2021)

2 1/2 days down, and 2 1/2 to go. The kids will be picked up on Wed at 1pm. Have to admit I'll be watching the clock that day.

Things have gone pretty well, considering. Ariel's been a big help. Hope she's not worn out yet because the weekdays is when I'll need her most. She has school until 1pm, and Michelle works until about then, so I'll be pretty much on my own in the mornings. Then Michelle has school in the evenings and it'll be me and Ariel managing the kids' dinner, baths, and bedtime (and whining and arguments and toilet training and boo-boos).

We're expecting huge rain and hail storms the next couple days, so we won't be able to play outside, and we'll probably lose power, so no children's TV or radio, and maybe no phone from time to time. Me and Michelle cooked up a bunch of food that we can heat up on the propane stove, just in case, and I shoved a bunch of ice in the freezer to stick down in the fridge if needed. Snow blizzards are expected in the Sierras so it could get pretty cold in here if we lose the heater, but fortunately, we bought the kids some winter clothes already, and we have a ton of blankets.

It'll be bad enough I'll have to manage 3 toddlers on my lonesome for a big part of the next few days, losing power would make it feel much more lonesome.


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## dobielvr (Oct 25, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> 2 1/2 days down, and 2 1/2 to go. The kids will be picked up on Wed at 1pm. Have to admit I'll be watching the clock that day.
> 
> Things have gone pretty well, considering. Ariel's been a big help. Hope she's not worn out yet because the weekdays is when I'll need her most. She has school until 1pm, and Michelle works until about then, so I'll be pretty much on my own in the mornings. Then Michelle has school in the evenings and it'll be me and Ariel managing the kids' dinner, baths, and bedtime (and whining and arguments and toilet training and boo-boos).
> 
> ...


Yikes!  Good luck w/all of that. 
But. I know you Love it...


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## terry123 (Oct 25, 2021)

dobielvr said:


> Yikes!  Good luck w/all of that.
> But. I know you Love it...


Hope all goes well!


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## Kaila (Oct 25, 2021)

I hope the power does stay on.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 25, 2021)

Kaila said:


> I hope the power does stay on.


We were on alert all day, with instructions about which shelter to go to and all that, but the storm was actually relatively mild. I've seen far worse here. It didn't even drop that much snow up in the hills. 5 to 9 inches today.


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## Kaila (Oct 25, 2021)

Very glad to hear this from you, @Murrmurr 
Thanks for posting!


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## Murrmurr (Nov 1, 2021)

As usual, Paxton cried and held tight to my neck when I drop him off at his foster home. Yesterday his foster mom said, "Frank, you need to let CPS know that you'll take him. I see this every week, and it's heart-breaking. This child needs to be with you, Frank...it's so obvious you're his _Daddy_."

I almost started crying myself. CPS knows my history with Paxton but I don't remember ever coming right out and telling them I definitely want him if he isn't given back to his mother. So I sent the caseworker an email last night.

The foster mom did say he's doing really well at school; sings all the songs and dances the dances. And he's in the Excel Preschool because he knows his alphabet and numbers and shapes and all that. Most toddlers in the system didn't have someone teaching them that stuff.

But as I buckled Pax into his car seat yesterday, to take him "home", he put on a pouty face and said "I'm not going to be a Good Boy anymore." Man, that killed me in the worst way. It's like he was saying being a Good Boy isn't working because I still keep sending him back. He's as Good as Gold, and I still don't keep him. This is just messing him up so bad.

I told him he IS a Good Boy, and I love him, and I love him when he's good and I still love him when he isn't. But how do you explain to a 3yr-old that big ol', strong Dad has to obey a system that's totally messing him up, making him absolutely unhappy, causing him to just give up on being good cuz it ain't worth it? He thinks I'm complicit in this. And why wouldn't he? I just keep taking him back!

This is how monsters are made.


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## Pepper (Nov 1, 2021)

I love you Frank.


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## dobielvr (Nov 1, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> As usual, Paxton cried and held tight to my neck when I drop him off at his foster home. Yesterday his foster mom said, "Frank, you need to let CPS know that you'll take him. I see this every week, and it's heart-breaking. This child needs to be with you, Frank...it's so obvious you're his _Daddy_."
> 
> I almost started crying myself. CPS knows my history with Paxton but I don't remember ever coming right out and telling them I definitely want him if he isn't given back to his mother. So I sent the caseworker an email last night.
> 
> ...


Oh my, the poor guy thinking his being good.....isn't worth it.  What a crushing moment for you and him.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 1, 2021)

dobielvr said:


> Oh my, the poor guy thinking his being good.....isn't worth it.  What a crushing moment for you and him.


Tore me up, seriously.

I'm def gonna talk to him about this next weekend. I keep explaining things as well as I can, but he's just too young to understand what's happening and why. Plus, I've always avoided saying anything bad about his mom. I'm trying to think of a way to help him understand that the responsibility lies with her without making her out to be a horrible person.

I'm not sure how to do that.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 1, 2021)

Pepper said:


> I love you Frank.


Back at you, Peps.

Honestly. I really appreciate you.


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## terry123 (Nov 1, 2021)

Love you too Frank!


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## Murrmurr (Nov 1, 2021)

terry123 said:


> Love you too Frank!


Thank you, Terry. That actually makes me feel less lonely in all this. Michelle's very supportive, but she has work and school right now and I'd rather she focus on that. So when I talk to her about Paxton it's mostly just the more positive stuff.

I sent an email to the caseworker. She wrote back saying she'll keep it in mind but they're hoping to keep the 3 siblings together. We can't take all 3 until we're in a bigger house, and it's gotta have a large fenced yard.

I don't think they should keep them together. Paxton was not himself while all 3 of them were here. He was anxious, stressed, withdrawn; he didn't want to sing and dance, didn't want to ride his bike. I did get him to do stuff - we all played soccer and rode bikes and stuff - but it took a lot of encouragement. He's just really bummed around Landon. I had to put Landon in time-out 3 times for lunging at Paxton and clawing his face, and those were just the times he got that far. He spits at him, too. It's like he has total contempt for Paxton. I'm sure he picked that up from their mother.

I wrote back to the CW that, based on my experience with the family over the years, the twins should live separately but visit regularly. Like, if Paxton lived here then we could have Landon for overnight visits and some weekends (and Zoey, too, but at diff't times), and we could do that for years. I believe I can help the 2 boys accept and value each other as brothers, but it would take time. (which I'm willing to invest)

She probly won't listen, but I had to say it.

I also suggested counseling, especially for Landon. He has an explosive temper (like their bio-dad) and it's super obvious no one's working with him on that.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 1, 2021)

My youngest Great-Granddaughter was Baby Shark for Halloween. (escorted by Mommy Shark)


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## palides2021 (Nov 1, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> My youngest Great-Granddaughter was Baby Shark for Halloween. (escorted by Mommy Shark)
> 
> View attachment 192476View attachment 192478View attachment 192477


Adorable! Hope everything turns out.


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## terry123 (Nov 2, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> My youngest Great-Granddaughter was Baby Shark for Halloween. (escorted by Mommy Shark)
> 
> View attachment 192476View attachment 192478View attachment 192477


Too Cute!!


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## Murrmurr (Nov 11, 2021)

Update on Paxton's parents' trial. 

The trial that will decide Paxton's fate (and his twin sibs, too, of course) was postponed for 6 months. That's probably because their dad is still in jail. His release date is the 15th of this month, so there are probably other reasons for moving the trial forward 6 long months. In my experience, family court does everything in 3 month intervals. I'm going to assume that their mother gave the judge a good sob-story...as usual. She always professes (whines) that she's the victim in all this, and California is very lenient toward victims (whiners).

Anyway, Paxton and his younger siblings will remain in their foster home for the next 6 months. The foster family are very good people, and the kids have grown very attached to them. That's a problem, because 6 months from now, they'll be even more attached. 

The twins stared calling their foster mother "Mommy" within a month after placement. Paxton just recently started calling her "Mom". Last weekend he told me she IS his mom, and Tara (bio-mom) isn't. Plus he says his foster siblings are his brothers and sister and the foster parent's parents are Grandma and Grandpa. (He doesn't call the foster mother's husband "Daddy", though. He's clear on who his real father is, and won't give him up.)

The foster family love Paxton and the twins but the parents do not plan to adopt them, so even if the court terminates Tara's parental rights and the kids become available for adoption, 6 months from now they'll be taken from their foster family. That's gonna hit them like a ton of bricks.

(I feel like I already posted about this.)


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## Pinky (Nov 11, 2021)

@Murrmurr 
You are one exceptional human being. One day, Paxton will know how far you went to keep him grounded. I hope for the best outcome for him.


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## Pepper (Nov 11, 2021)

How old is Baby Shark's momma?  She looks like a teenager.  Is she?


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## terry123 (Nov 12, 2021)

Pinky said:


> @Murrmurr
> You are one exceptional human being. One day, Paxton will know how far you went to keep him grounded. I hope for the best outcome for him.


Still got y'all on my prayer list.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 26, 2021)

Pepper said:


> How old is Baby Shark's momma?  She looks like a teenager.  Is she?


She's 23 or 24, around there somewhere. It's not my job to keep track.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 26, 2021)

So after Paxton’s mom, Tara, had a hissy fit last time I picked him up for his weekend visit, the caseworker, Tara, cancelled all his visits.

~To avoid confusion (and extra key-strokes), caseworker Tara will stay Tara but I’m gonna start calling Paxton’s mom Cun… uh, nah. Um, let’s go with ...Lucy.  ~

So anyway, Lucy jumped all over my case because the twins cried when I picked up Paxton a few Fridays ago, because they wanted to come, too. But I have to go by Tara’s decisions, and she had decided that I can only have the twins when their foster mom, Jen, needs me for Respite Care - when she needs some time off. And then I'd have all 3 kids. So I was trying to explain this to Lucy but she wasn’t having it; ears closed, mouth in full operation. She was a total dink about it, and just kept repeating “It’s not fair! It’s not fair!”

Well it was perfectly “fair” when she used to drop Paxton off here every weekend, and never even took the twins out of her car or even had them so much as wave hello and/or goodbye to ol’ Uncle Frank. But what-the-hell-ever. So, the twins didn’t know me from Ironman p) until Tara decided a while back that I was to take them on alternate weekends.

And it was perfectly fair that Paxton started self-harming and spiraled into depression over that.

See, in Paxton’s mind, my home is his home. His _actual home_. So when I was picking up the twins for their weekend visits, in his mind I was taking _them_ home instead of him. And it caused real trauma, so I told Tara I wasn’t gonna do that anymore. And that’s when she said I could have Pax every weekend instead of every other weekend. See. she’d asked Jen about, and Jen said that, yes indeed, Paxton was very negatively affected every time I picked up the twins. He was self-harming, severely clawing at his own face and slapping himself; withdrawn, just sitting on their couch staring into space, sometimes for over an hour; depressed, and very emotional.

But apparently, Lucy figured that was fair.

Anyway, Paxton's weekend visits are now cancelled. At least until after the upcoming CFT meeting. CFT stands for Child and Family Team. As Paxton’s former foster dad, current part-time care-giver and honorary uncle, I’m on this team, and I will attend the meeting (via Zoom) unless Lucy says she doesn’t want me to and she has a good reason. But I doubt that Tara will think any reason Lucy gives at this point is good enough.

Tara is way late in scheduling a CFT meeting. It was supposed to happen back in October, and then another one every 90 days. But Tara’s been doing a sloppy job from day 1, so this isn’t surprising. Also, she told me that her decision to cancel Paxton’s weekend visits has nothing to do with Lucy saying it isn’t fair, and nothing to do with the twins or anything. Which is total BS. She just wanted to make her caseworker life easier.

Meanwhile, Jen says Paxton keeps asking “Where Unka Pwank? I go see Unka Pwank now?” 

May the Gods or Stars or Spirits calm his little heart. And mine.


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## Pepper (Nov 26, 2021)

I think the caseworker should be called 'Lucy' and Tara should be the original Tara, Paxton's mother. May I request a change?  Thanks everso!
How about Tara 1 for mother; Tara 2 for caseworker.
No, no, don't change horses mid-stream!


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## Murrmurr (Nov 26, 2021)

Pepper said:


> I think the caseworker should be called 'Lucy' and Tara should be the original Tara, Paxton's mother.  May I request a change?  Thanks everso!


You got it!


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## Devi (Nov 26, 2021)

Or Tara-Mom and Tara-Caseworker. Very clear, and no remembering anything.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 26, 2021)

Devi said:


> Or Tara-Mom and Tara-Caseworker. Very clear, and no remembering anything.


That's probly best. I'm kind of lazy on the keyboard is all, but I'll key-up.


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## Kaila (Nov 26, 2021)

T-mom, And T-Case???? 

Sorry this whole situation has not been going better, for Paxton, of course, 
as well as for you too.


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## Jules (Nov 26, 2021)

The system is letting down Paxton.  It’s obvious where and who he‘s loves and is happiest with and he should be the priority, not giving more chances to a mother who keeps failing him.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 30, 2021)

Date for trial isn't set yet, but CPS will definitely request reunification - returning the kids to their mother - and the judge has already said s/he finds just cause for that request.

I sent the caseworker an email explaining in detail why I oppose reunification, so she'll probably "forget to" send me a link to the Child-Family Team meeting (on Zoom).

I'll worry about Paxton, of course. But he's learned some good coping skills - or I should say he's learned that poor coping skills don't get the desired results, only very temporary ones and sometimes bad ones. He's been damaged emotionally, no question about that, but he's a sharp kid who has always given a lot of thought to the crap that's been thrown at him; breaks it down, examines it, assesses it...from a kid's perspective, but still, I believe he's capable of dealing pretty well with the challenges he'll face.


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## dobielvr (Dec 1, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Date for trial isn't set yet, but CPS will definitely request reunification - returning the kids to their mother - and the judge has already said s/he finds just cause for that request.
> 
> I sent the caseworker an email explaining in detail why I oppose reunification, so she'll probably "forget to" send me a link to the Child-Family Team meeting (on Zoom).
> 
> I'll worry about Paxton, of course. But he's learned some good coping skills - or I should say he's learned that poor coping skills don't get the desired results, only very temporary ones and sometimes bad ones. He's been damaged emotionally, no question about that, but he's a sharp kid who has always given a lot of thought to the crap that's been thrown at him; breaks it down, examines it, assesses it...from a kid's perspective, but still, I believe he's capable of dealing pretty well with the challenges he'll face.


I don't get it Murrmurr, how come they keep giving this woman (drug addict) all these chances?
Can't they see the damage that it's doing to these kids?


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## Murrmurr (Dec 2, 2021)

dobielvr said:


> I don't get it Murrmurr, how come they keep giving this woman (drug addict) all these chances?
> Can't they see  to these kids?


I've realized for sure this time they know the damage that it's doing but they don't want to change anything. idk if it's the funding or laziness or what. But yeah, they know they're cranking out kids with mental illness and personality disorders. All kids who enter the foster system get free mental health care for life. It ain't top-notch - on par with their parents' drug rehab - but you know, they gotta pay all the administrators and regulators a *fair* salary.


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## dobielvr (Dec 2, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I've realized for sure this time they know the damage that it's doing but they don't want to change anything. idk if it's the funding or laziness or what. But yeah, they know they're cranking out kids with mental illness and personality disorders. All kids who enter the foster system get free mental health care for life. It ain't top-notch - on par with their parents' drug rehab - but you know, they gotta pay all the administrators and regulators a *fair* salary.


imo..it's probably both the funding and laziness.

May be it's time to revamp the system, where 'the kids come first' and not the administration.


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## Jules (Dec 2, 2021)

Just speculating because I don’t know the system.  Likely the staff have a series of priorities that they’re supposed to strive to achieve.  Probably the number one goal is to keep the child/children with the natural parent.  If they don’t do that, there will be an explanation required why they failed.


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## Verisure (Dec 2, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> A promontory on the pacific coast called Bodega Head is where my life took a bad turn. Me and a dive-buddy just finished checking out this deep freshwater pond situated just inland from Campbell Cove. I’m not sure that pond has an official name but people in the area call it The Hole in the Head. Some guys working there thought we were going to dive it and asked if we had a permit, which we didn’t but that wasn’t the plan anyway, so we crossed the peninsula over to the west shore of Bodega Head and that’s where it happened. I stepped out onto a sturdy rocky shelf to find the best way down to the shoreline and saw it would be a tricky hike so I put on my wetsuit bc it was better than carrying it. Then I stepped back out even farther just to check again which was really stupid bc there was s strong gusty wind up there, and that was literally my downfall.
> 
> I might have posted about this somewhere already but this is a diary, so not only might I repeat myself sometimes, sometimes I won’t use spell check and the grammar and punctuation software. But I’m sure nobody feels pressured to read diaries so, yeah, sometimes I won’t bother with that stuff.
> 
> So anyway, I had a few non-life-threatening spine fractures, and bone shards got stuck in some lumbar and thoracic nerve roots, and my spine shifted out of alignment a few degrees here and there. Moreover, my liver was busted up a bit and some of the contents of my stomach splashed out onto the rock I landed on. Not a good scene. I had surgery and that fixed me up adequately and I healed fast and went back to work in less than 2 months but I had to take it easy for another month. But years along, when I started having severe back pain, my new doctor saw bone shards still in there, along with the misalignment being increased by a significant degree but I didn’t have the second surgery until about 5 years go when it was ok (and kind of imperative) for me to retire.


I sometimes wonder how I'd cope (psychologically) with being blind or paralysed or limbless or hooked up to a machine. I like to think I'd adapt and make the best of it but I worry that I wouldn't do very well at all.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 2, 2021)

Verisure said:


> I sometimes wonder how I'd cope (psychologically) with being blind or paralysed or limbless or hooked up to a machine. I like to think I'd adapt and make the best of it but I worry that I wouldn't do very well at all.


Yeah, if I'd have ended up like that after that fall, I'd have wished I died from it.

Fortunately, I knew (convinced myself) that I was capable of recovering, so I worked my ass off. And it was work, buddy, believe me. Interestingly, the harder it was, the more determined I got. Today, I'm not sure I'd be up to the challenge. That energy's been all used up.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 2, 2021)

Jules said:


> Just speculating because I don’t know the system.  Likely the staff have a series of priorities that they’re supposed to strive to achieve.  Probably the number one goal is to keep the child/children with the natural parent.  If they don’t do that, there will be an explanation required why they failed.


You're right on the money, there.

California Family Courts cherish their reputation for reuniting families. Like all social service institutions here, Calif tax-payers can sit back with a warm, fuzzy feeling in their sun-shiny li'l hearts without ever having to look deeply into the actual problems or fret over the failed outcomes (and utter waste) of their state's great generosity.


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## Verisure (Dec 2, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Yeah, if I'd have ended up like that after that fall, I'd have wished I died from it.


That's exactly what I am afraid would be my reaction.


Murrmurr said:


> Fortunately, I knew (convinced myself) that I was capable of recovering, so I worked my ass off. And it was work, buddy, believe me.


Only you can understand that. I don't know about the rest of us. And about _"wishing to have died from it"_ I see people who are blind or paralysed getting on with their lives. How they feel about I don't know but it gives hope that life is worth it even under their circumstances. Also, are the severe alchoholics and addicts who slump down on the pavement with nothing to live for yet they don't want to die. There just has to be some lesson we all can learn from them?


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## Murrmurr (Dec 2, 2021)

Verisure said:


> That's exactly what I am afraid would be my reaction.
> 
> Only you can understand that. I don't know about the rest of us. And about _"wishing to have died from it"_ I see people who are blind or paralysed getting on with their lives. How they feel about I don't know but it gives hope that life is worth it even under their circumstances. Also, are the severe alchoholics and addicts who slump down on the pavement with nothing to live for yet they don't want to die. There just has to be some lesson we all can learn from them?


Very good points. Well taken, too, so I'll qualify after-the-fact and say the _hooked up to a machine _part would be my red line.

This makes me think of my 34 year old nephew. He worked for a total of maybe a year and a half his entire life. He has a slight deformity in his foot; a whole bone is missing. It's one of the small ones but has definitely affected his posture and how he walks, and that causes him a great deal of pain, but he let's it keep him unemployed. He won't look into a job or career that isn't physically taxing. It's a shame because he's a clever guy, and he's very personable.


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## Verisure (Dec 2, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Very good points. Well taken, too, so I'll qualify after-the-fact and say the _hooked up to a machine _part would be my red line.
> 
> This makes me think of my 34 year old nephew. He worked for a total of maybe a year and a half his entire life. He has a slight deformity in his foot; a whole bone is missing. It's one of the small ones but has definitely affected his posture and how he walks, and that causes him a great deal of pain, but he let's it keep him unemployed. He won't look into a job or career that isn't physically taxing. It's a shame because he's a clever guy, and he's very personable.


We all carry some burden in life that only we understand.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 12, 2021)

I got an email invite to the Child-Family Team meeting. It said it’s for Paxton and his little brother, Landon, so I guess there’s gonna be a separate meeting for his little sister. Or maybe they just couldn’t fit her name in, or they only need to name 2 kids. Anyway, the other people at the meeting will be their mother and father, Tara-caseworker, a child psychologist, their teachers, their foster mother, and their grandmother.

One of the topics of discussion will be concerns about Paxton’s weekend visits here. That's were I'll come in. The only concern I’m aware of is his mom is ticked-off because I said I didn’t want to have the twins on alternate weekends anymore. That was a couple months ago.

I tried having them here for a few weeks, and it was terrible. Mostly terrible for Paxton because, from his perspective, this is his home - this is where he lived from when he was less than a month old until he was almost 3 - so when I picked up the twins for their weekends it was like I was bringing them to his house, and leaving him behind. And that’s after he’d been spending almost every weekend here for over a year. There was a couple of months gap last year (thanks to another CPS worker), then it was reduced to every other weekend this year, but weekends at home with Unca Pwank was Paxton's thing, his usual routine.

And having the twins here was also terrible for me (and Michelle) because, aside from them calling me grandpa most of the time, because they didn’t even know me, the twins are monsters. Those kids are absolutely uncivilized, no exaggeration. I realize that most 2yr-olds are, if you allow it, but those two act like no one has ever even _begun_ to train them. At all. And they’re 2-_and-a-half_.

Like, I’d say, “Would you like to take turns riding Paxton’s tricycle?” and they’d go all bug-eyed and bare their teeth and toss away whatever they had in their hands, whether it was a toy or a sandwich or a freaking glass of water, and just charge at it, flailing their arms, shoving each other in the face trying to get at it first. And of course it would be a tie, so they’d both grab the handlebars and have a tug-of-war with them, growling and shoving each other, and....jeeze, it was like being in the toy section at a Walmart while all the parents are on the other side of the store buying raw meat for these things.

The tricycle thing is just an example. They were animals most of the time. I had to put Landon in the time-out chair 2 to 4 times a day because he’s a vicious little sucker. And Zoey’s a screamer. When she doesn’t get her way, she screams with every bit of lung power she’s got. And you’d be surprised how much power is in those little sacs. I had to put the tricycle in the closet because the moment one got on it, the other would throw their stuff down and instantly attack, tooth and nail. Literally.

Anyway, for all the reasons above, I told Tara-caseworker I wasn’t gonna bring the twins home on alternate weekends anymore. The reason I gave was that it wasn’t beneficial to them, they weren’t really getting anything out of it because I was never a key player in their lives. Later that day she asked if I’d like to have Paxton every weekend, instead of every other weekend like we’d been doing for several months. Naturally, I said yes!

But then the twins cried once when I picked up Paxton, and Tara-mom was there and had a conniption and told the caseworker that she didn’t want Paxton to have weekends with me at all anymore, whining that it wasn’t fair.

But here’s my problem; for this meeting I need to find words to describe the twins’ behavior that aren’t inflammatory. I don't think I should use words like monster and uncivilized and Walmart. I need to get my point across with diplomacy, but I need to get it across accurately. Obviously, Tara-mom doesn’t give a rat’s heinie about Paxton’s feelings, so, even though I will mention that concern, I want my main input to be about how I’m too old and disabled to deal with feral children. But without the word feral.

So, if you're reading this, I’m taking suggestions. And I’m serious.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 12, 2021)

I'm gonna try to sleep now.


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## Pinky (Dec 12, 2021)

How convenient for Tara to use you as a babysitter for the twins. I thought that Paxton was supposed to be the focus. Nice that she farms them out so she could have a kid-free weekend. It's obvious she needs some educating on how to raise children. This is a case where the children should all be fostered, with an eye to being adopted. Tara is obviously not mother material.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 12, 2021)

Pinky said:


> How convenient for Tara to use you as a babysitter for the twins. I thought that Paxton was supposed to be the focus. Nice that she farms them out so she could have a kid-free weekend. It's obvious she needs some educating on how to raise children. This is a case where the children should all be fostered, with an eye to being adopted. Tara is obviously not mother material.


I can't believe they're going for reunification again. She'll get her poor kids back in about 4 or 5 months.

Whatd'ya wanna bet she'll be bringing Paxton over here every weekend then?

I told CPS everything I know about their mother; the drinking (after rehab), drinking and then driving with the kids in the car, the physical and verbal abuse of Paxton, I even sent photos of him all bruised and scratched up. I told them about the physical fights between their mom and dad in front of the kids, and her little sex for drugs business while the father was in jail.

And STILL, she'll get to take them home. I don't get it. And you can multiply Paxton by hundreds of thousands of other kids in California. It's no wonder there's an "uptick" in violence and shootings and crap. I mean, _duh!_


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## Murrmurr (Dec 12, 2021)

Ok, g'night. Probly.


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## Pinky (Dec 12, 2021)

Hope you can get some sleep, Murr.


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## hollydolly (Dec 12, 2021)

I wish I could give you advice Frank... but I wouldn't know where to start.  When is this meeting due to take place ?


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## terry123 (Dec 12, 2021)

Pinky said:


> Hope you can get some sleep, Murr.


Me too.


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## dobielvr (Dec 12, 2021)

Are these twins. you know...'monsters' and 'feral'...due to the fact that their mother gave birth to them while addicted?

Is that where their behavior comes from?

Gosh, I don't know what (nice) words you could use to describe them, so as not to make it sound so derogatory.

ETA...I hope everyone involved can come to a meeting of the minds.


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## Kaila (Dec 12, 2021)

I would leave out, when you're in the meeting, that part you added above, that you are too old and disabled......
they can see that you are older, and they have paperwork on you.
  And that doesn't help you to make the first most important point of emphasis, of yours, and of the meeting,
which is : that all you want is what benefits Paxton (so just focus on those points that relate to that!)

And side-line, if you need to add it,  that it doesn't benefit the twins to visit you, because they are not bonded to you, like he is, and that it just takes away from the close bond Paxton does have with you...which is great for Paxton. He is the one of the 3, who clearly benefits a great deal from spending time with you. And he needs that continued stability and loving relationship with you. He'll develop better with it!

The 2nd point, of yours to make, is to appear that you ARE an excellent adult to care for Paxton, and that he should remain able to keep and continue that relationship, with you, long-term and in any situation, he's put into.
(Reminding them that you are older and less able, does not aid or support your making that impression and that point.)

Include, if it comes up,  that you do support Paxton being able to have a relationship with his siblings, but not that they must be at everything he does or that all 3 must be together all of the time, or them having the exact same as he does in everything.
He benefits from some of his life being independent of them too.  Especially in his visits at your home and his time with you.

Those are just quick ideas.  I am too tired to re-check  myself, to see if I am sure of my ideas or not, Or if I agree with myself or not. 


Only use any of my input, if they fit for you!


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## Kaila (Dec 12, 2021)

P.S. Yes, I agree that at the meeting, I would *not* use *any* of those descriptive words for the twins or even their type of behaviors, that you used to explain it in your post here. 
If need be, if you are asked how they act toward or with him, then describe it in neutral words.  Just say what they do.  (His brother hits him or bites him, he's rougher than you've seen young children be...etc....)


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## Murrmurr (Dec 12, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> I wish I could give you advice Frank... but I wouldn't know where to start.  When is this meeting due to take place ?


We were asked if the 14th or the 21st was best. I said the 14th because then maybe Pax and I could have Christmas together, but a key player said she was only available on the 21st. So I said I prefer the 14th, but I'm available both days.

The *key player* is the young lady who manages the visitors center, where I pick up Paxton, and she's commented a few times about how happy Paxton is to see me compared to when he sees his mom. She sees a lot, so her input is important to me.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 12, 2021)

Pinky said:


> Hope you can get some sleep, Murr.


I got four solid hours this morning.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 12, 2021)

dobielvr said:


> Are these twins. you know...'monsters' and 'feral'...*due to the fact that their mother gave birth to them while addicted?*
> 
> Is that where their behavior comes from?
> 
> ...


Some of it is, but there isn't any severe damage. Like, no severe developmental delay, but I think it probably has effected their ability to control impulsive behavior. That doesn't mean they can't learn to control their behavior, they maybe just won't ever be able to control impulsive thinking, at least not without ongoing counseling.

Their mother only had the kids for 8 or 9 months. The twins were about 18 months old when she got custody, and Paxton was a little over 2 1/2 years old. I was and am friendly with the twins' first foster parents, and the foster mom struck me as way too permissive and not at all a disciplinarian. She and I had face-time sessions for the 3 kids a couple times a week for a few months, and it was obvious she just pretty much let the twins run wild. In fact, Paxton grew weary of the whole thing. He'd sit down and show them various toys and showed them how they worked, or he read them the books that he'd memorized pretty well, and they'd be on the other end just fighting and fussing and running around. Pax would totally light up whenever Landon paid attention, as he sometimes did, but mostly it wasn't very enjoyable for him. And it wore me out just watching them.

But to me it seems for the several months Tara-mom had them, she wasn't working on their behavior. And I'm sure she brought Paxton over here every weekend mainly to lighten her load. The father could see the issues the twins and he actually had some valid parenting strategies, but Tara wouldn't let him "intervene" in any way, always saying _she_ was the expert. Ironic, right?


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## Murrmurr (Dec 12, 2021)

Kaila said:


> I would leave out, when you're in the meeting, that part you added above, that you are too old and disabled......
> they can see that you are older, and they have paperwork on you.
> And that doesn't help you to make the first most important point of emphasis, of yours, and of the meeting,
> which is : that all you want is what benefits Paxton (so just focus on those points that relate to that!)
> ...


Thank you for that, Kaila.

I looked up synonyms for "uncivilized" but the synonyms are even worse - savage, for example.
I wasn't really going to make too big a deal of my "disabilities" but I should mention I have some physical limitations and chronic pain. The thing is, Tara-mom is well aware of those things, so I'm hoping the mediator and other people there will realize that Tara is knowingly asking me to do something that could jeopardize my health and the kids' safety, really. I will mention that I had to take extra pain meds while the twins were here because I had to chase after them (outside), break up their little physical fights, clean up broken glass, wash walls, etc.

Neither CPS nor the foster parent program discriminate against people with disabilities who are involved with their kids in care. They aren't allowed to hold it against me that I take medication and what-not. Even if I was in a wheelchair or blind they have to give me the same consideration as anyone else. But again, I won't make a big deal about it; I won't make it a sob-story, which I think is kind of where you're coming from, right? 'Cause, yeah, that would be unwise.

Thank you, again, Kaila!


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## Kaila (Dec 13, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> But again, I won't make a big deal about it; I won't make it a sob-story, which I think is kind of where you're coming from, right? 'Cause, yeah, that would be unwise.
> 
> Thank you, again, Kaila!



What I meant was, that my viewpoint is that _you_ don't need to be the one to bring that up, or to raise that topic, because you haven't hidden it or lied about it, they know that, and it is not the subject of the meeting.  
And it _doesn't help to get your viewpoint across to them, of what's good or not, for Paxton, so it doesn't serve_ you or Paxton, for you to remind them, or for that part to be given any time at this meeting.

Unless it does. 

Of course, _you _will know better than me, which details are pertinent, in your specific situation.  But I thought that the entire focus should be on, Paxton's welfare, and the twins, too; _their behaviors, their needs/difficulties/challenges,  _rather than about you.

(If someone _else_ brings it up, and you are asked to provide clarity on your abilities/actions/health, then you will, of course. That is better, was my guess.)

My understanding is that the main purpose, and the reason that  *you* are invited to be there, is to add your viewpoint of what is good for Paxton, because you know him uniquely and differently than anyone else there, whose views could *not* replace your perspectives and input on him, that only you can offer.

Btw, that person from the visitor center, *is very important*, as a third party, who observed Paxton at multiple times, so it's worth it to have her there at the meeting, even though that date seems ridiculous to me. But it's worth it to have her there. Neither Tara  can dispute what that woman observed.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 13, 2021)

Kaila said:


> What I meant was, that my viewpoint is that _you_ don't need to be the one to bring that up, or to raise that topic, because you haven't hidden it or lied about it, they know that, and it is not the subject of the meeting.
> And it _doesn't help to get your viewpoint across to them, of what's good or not, for Paxton, so it doesn't serve_ you or Paxton, for you to remind them, or for that part to be given any time at this meeting.
> 
> Unless it does.
> ...


Unfortunately, the lady at the visitors center who's most familiar with me and Paxton, Alex, won't be in the meeting. Her back-up person will be, and she's only seen me a few times. Plus she's less experienced than Alex. 

But the upside is, the meeting is tomorrow morning, and if visits resume soon after then Paxton will be able to come over for our little Christmas together.

I hope Alex briefs the back-up person before the meeting. She strikes me as the type who would do that, but we are pressed for time. Meeting is at 9am tomorrow.

Thank you again, Kaila.


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## Pepper (Dec 13, 2021)

Best of luck Frank!  I'll be wishing you well tomorrow!


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## Murrmurr (Dec 14, 2021)

At the CFT meeting I was told I can deliver Paxton's (and the twins') Christmas presents to his foster mother's house, but no more visits. His bio-mom knows I'm against reunification, so that's what she decided.

Paxton's grandmother got so disgusted she left the meeting.


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## Devi (Dec 14, 2021)

No more visits? That means Paxton can't visit you?

Sorry to ask, but I can hardly believe that's what they decided.

Very sad for both of you.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 14, 2021)

Devi said:


> No more visits? *That means Paxton can't visit you?*
> 
> Sorry to ask, but I can hardly believe that's what they decided.
> 
> Very sad for both of you.


Yes. His mother's decision. She said my relationship with him interferes with her parenting. I thought her abusiveness and the meth and alcohol was to blame, but what the hell do I know?


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## RadishRose (Dec 14, 2021)

I'm so sorry.
Maybe it's time to walk away from all this, and just enjoy your own life.

Things may change regarding Paxton someday.
But stay away from those twins, theyre nothing to you. Jmo.

Good luck to you my friend!


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## Devi (Dec 14, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Yes. His mother's decision. She said my relationship with him interferes with her parenting. I thought her abusiveness and the meth and alcohol was to blame, but what the hell do I know?


Well, dang. I can't believe the authorities chose a rote decision over what's clearly right. No thinking going on there! Sad.


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## Kaila (Dec 14, 2021)

That is terrible.
There's a fair chance that things might change in huge ways, in the future, and I hope they do.
In the meantime, I feel very sad, for Paxton, and for you.

He is better off to have had the time with you that he has had, no matter what, imo.  And again, I will continue to hope that this situation is likely to change, and we hope it will be soon, and that there will be something very positive, in the future, that we can't see right now.

Very sorry though, for sure, Frank.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 15, 2021)

Devi said:


> Well, dang. I can't believe the authorities chose a rote decision over what's clearly right. No thinking going on there! Sad.


Tara-mom is pretty good at convincing people who don't know her that she's sincere. She sincerely wants her kids, but that doesn't make her a good, loving mother, or even a decent person. In this case, she just doesn't like to lose, especially not to CPS.

That said, it's possible there is no law preventing her from getting those kids back. Either the caseworker is an idiot, or she has no solid evidence or legal grounds for terminating Tara's parental rights and going ahead with adoption. Or could be both.


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## Pepper (Dec 15, 2021)

I'm so sad for you (((Frank))).  I really promote what @RadishRose said.  Excellent advice coming from her heart.

Anyway, ain't over till it's over and I doubt that this whole situation is over.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 15, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> I'm so sorry.
> *Maybe it's time to walk away from all this, and just enjoy your own life.*
> 
> Things may change regarding Paxton someday.
> ...





Kaila said:


> That is terrible.
> There's a fair chance that things might change in huge ways, in the future, and I hope they do.
> In the meantime, I feel very sad, for Paxton, and for you.
> 
> ...


 Rose, that's where my head's at right now. I'll always love Paxton. I think about him all the time, and I worry about his feelings and his future and all that. He's hurt, and I'm hurting for him. But what's a guy to do, right? I did everything I could. I can only hope he always has that spark of curiosity and desire to explore things and learn. I think that will get him through. That and knowing he's lovable.

Kaila, I won't be surprised if Paxton and I find ourselves in this place again. He's young enough to forget our history together, so it could be kind of a new adventure. That part I bolded - I'm thinking that way, too.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 15, 2021)

Pepper said:


> I'm so sad for you (((Frank))).  I really promote what @RadishRose said.  Excellent advice coming from her heart.
> 
> Anyway, ain't over till it's over and I doubt that this whole situation is over.


They said in the meeting that there's 6 months to go, so yeah, things could shift again.

Yeah, I agree with Rose, too. I can't let this eat me up, and I need to be patient. And hopeful too.


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## Pinky (Dec 15, 2021)

I have no words to describe how sad and disappointed I am for you, and for Paxton. 

There _will_ come a day, when Paxton and the twins are older .. that their mother will not get away with her lies.

Hopefully, there will be a chance for these innocent children to turn themselves around and live a normal life.


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## terry123 (Dec 15, 2021)

I am like everybody else and just heart broken for you and Paxton!  What is the world coming to?  Hope it is not over!!!  Prayers for you Murr!!


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## Murrmurr (Dec 15, 2021)

Pinky said:


> I have no words to describe how sad and disappointed I am for you, and for Paxton.
> 
> There _will_ come a day, when Paxton and the twins are older .. that their mother will not get away with her lies.
> 
> Hopefully, there will be a chance for these innocent children to turn themselves around and live a normal life.


I hope your right, Pinky. The twins were only 18 months old when Tara got them back the first time and only 2 when she lost them again. Paxton was a year older. So, for the twins, it's like it's just normal to be in and out of homes and be part of this family and then a different one. And maybe that makes them better off - like they can cope with it better; they're in it to win it and can roll with what comes next. As I'm sure you can imagine, it's a lot harder for Paxton. He was all settled in here - this is Dad, this is my home, I love our routine - and then all of a sudden he was yanked out of it and ended up in a house of chaos.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 15, 2021)

terry123 said:


> I am like everybody else and just heart broken for you and Paxton!  What is the world coming to?  Hope it is not over!!!  Prayers for you Murr!!


Thank you, sweetie.


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## JustBonee (Dec 15, 2021)

Probably seems   like forever right now,  but as time goes by   and Paxton gets older,   he can seek you out on his own.  
Kids are  resilient,    and  don't forget what is important to them.
His mother would have a hard time fighting that.


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## Devi (Dec 15, 2021)

I'm kind of aghast. But I do recall things that happened to me even when I was a toddler, so perhaps Paxton will remember. They (the powers that be) will change their decision. If not, Paxton may seek you out on his own in the future. <sigh>


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## Jules (Dec 15, 2021)

What a system!  As you say, six months and things may change.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 16, 2021)

Devi said:


> I'm kind of aghast. But I do recall things that happened to me even when I was a toddler, so perhaps Paxton will remember. They (the powers that be) will change their decision. If not, Paxton may seek you out on his own in the future. <sigh>


I remember only 1 thing from when I was about 3 1/2. That was the day I found about a dozen lamb's tails on the ground at the sheep farmer's place. When my dad explained what those were and how they got there, I was horrified. I have no memories after that until I was 5. I remember my 5th birthday.

Pax's grandma promised me that she'll "keep my memory alive."


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## Della (Dec 19, 2021)

I still remember my second birthday when I got the big teddy bear. I still recall  my third birthday when I picked out my Irish Setter from a pile of puppies -- but it's not the specific memories that will matter most in Paxton's life.  It's the awareness of goodness and love in the universe that he got from you.

Every time he cried and you picked him up, every time he saw gentleness form you toward him and others, he learned that  kindness and love exist.  That will remain with him even if he doesn't see much of it in the next few years. 

Just as babies raised in institutions where they are left to cry, often never learn to bond and grow up unable to feel empathy, the reverse is true when they have had a good start like you have given Paxton.  No price can be put on that and nothing can ever take it away from him.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 19, 2021)

Della said:


> I still remember my second birthday when I got the big teddy bear. I still recall  my third birthday when I picked out my Irish Setter from a pile of puppies -- but it's not the specific memories that will matter most in Paxton's life.  It's the awareness of goodness and love in the universe that he got from you.
> 
> Every time he cried and you picked him up, every time he saw gentleness form you toward him and others, he learned that  kindness and love exist.  That will remain with him even if he doesn't see much of it in the next few years.
> 
> Just as babies raised in institutions where they are left to cry, often never learn to bond and grow up unable to feel empathy, the reverse is true when they have had a good start like you have given Paxton.  No price can be put on that and nothing can ever take it away from him.


Made me tear up a little there, Della.

I agree with what you're saying. His mother will do all she can to shape him into her image, and if that doesn't work she'll work on extinguishing his spark, so I hope that one of the things he got from me is the strength to hold onto the other things.


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## dobielvr (Dec 19, 2021)

Della's post reminds me of something my mother had printed on a piece of paper long ago, and it goes something like this....."you may not always remember what people tell you, But, you'll always remember the way they made you feel."

I believe this to be true.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 21, 2021)

I’m having a hard time sleeping lately because I keep thinking about how Paxton’s life sucks at age 3 and it isn’t ever gonna get any better, and he didn’t do anything whatsoever to deserve it. So I’m sitting here watching YouTube videos but they’re not sinking in cuz I’m trying to think what else can I do or what else can I think about so I don’t lose my freaking mind over the crap that’s happening to this poor little boy who loves me and depends on me when there's nothing I can do. Plus, I gotta sleep at some point just for my own health, so I gotta think of something that’ll help me relax, you know?

And it dawned on me; there she is, right in the next room, sleeping like a beautiful princess. And so I started thinking about when we “dated.” Back when everyone was scared to death of covid and afraid to get too close to people or be in the same room with each other, we did this sort of dating thing – like she’d cook or I’d go get some food and we’d meet out at one of the picnic tables, I’d set her plate down here and then set mine down over there, about 6 feet away – and we did this for like 4 weeks, or 6 weeks, something like that. It felt like a freaking year, and the anticipation was mounting, you know? Anticipation was building up and my mind was like, When is this thing gonna happen? Plus I was in that vulnerable age group, so while I’m sanitizing the take-out bags I’m asking myself am I even gonna live that long? I finally meet a woman who totally seems like Miss Right; am I gonna die before I even get to kiss her?

So after 5 or 6 weeks of that – I’m pretty sure it was about 6 weeks – she’s not sick, I’m not sick, we’re not hanging out with other people, and we’re following all the rules, so I meet her out at our table and I said “I’m gonna go get us some Chinese…would you like to come with me?”

And she said “Yes.”

So there we were, in the same car, sitting closer together than we ever had before, feeling all brave and unguarded. We didn’t even wear our masks. Totally threw caution to the wind. And just before I closed the car door for her I told her "I'm going to kiss you." So I’m driving along and we're talking, and after about 3 blocks she said “Weren't you going to kiss me?” And I go, “Yeah, but I can’t do it while I’m driving. I’m just waiting for a red light.”

So, being a man of my word, soon as we hit a red light, I laid one on her. A nice one, too. Not too wet, not too dry, not too, _too_ long. A nice one. And at first I was all jazzed because she smiled afterward, but then she didn’t say anything for a while. And I get a little uncomfortable when they go quiet. When they talk too much, that’s a story for another time. But she went quiet, so I started questioning myself, you know? Watching the road, wondering is everything ok? Did I mess up? Was that _too_ brave for the covid rea?

And then she said the cutest thing…kinda quiet, almost shy, she said “Here comes another red light” with a big ol' smile on her face.

That's when I knew, this has got to be the one. This is her! So that’s what I’m thinking about now. And now, Good Night.


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## Devi (Dec 21, 2021)

That was beautiful, @Murrmurr — thanks for sharing. I'm very happy for you two.


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## Pinky (Dec 21, 2021)

@Murrmurr .. even though things aren't going the way they should with Paxton _right now_, you are very blessed - and, you deserve it


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## terry123 (Dec 21, 2021)

Devi said:


> That was beautiful, @Murrmurr — thanks for sharing. I'm very happy for you two.


Me too!


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## Murrmurr (Dec 21, 2021)

Devi said:


> That was beautiful, @Murrmurr — thanks for sharing. I'm very happy for you two.





terry123 said:


> Me too!


It's a silly story and when I read through it before I hit post, I thought "Eh. Maybe you had to be there." But I hit post anyway (and no apologies).

But I like it because that whole "dating" period felt really old-school, like no touching, no making out....you know, the the kind of dates your mother _thought_ you were on.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 8, 2022)

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Paxton. Sometimes it hits me hard and I get emotional. It’s difficult to put into words how sad I am for him and how much I miss him. I worry about his future All The Time. If I had confidence in his mother’s character, I wouldn’t feel like this. If I felt she could protect and guide him successfully into adulthood and beyond, I would be nothing but happy for him, and it would be a whole lot easier to let go. But that just isn’t the case here.

If she gets custody, and that’s all but certain at this point, I will file a request with the court asking that CPS contact me if Paxton ever goes back into the system. Aside from that, all I can do is hope his mother's attitude and outlook have indeed changed, because I don’t want him to be in and out of foster care his whole childhood. The way the foster care system deals with troubled kids is grim, to say the least.

I'm trying to focus on other things, but like I said, Paxton is always on my mind. Thank goodness for Michelle. She nudges but never pushes me. Of all the things about her that I'm thankful for, right now I appreciate that the most.

I'm gonna leave in a few minutes; going to visit Paxton's grandmother, Jackie.


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## terry123 (Jan 8, 2022)

I have been thinking about this after our conversation the other day and wish I had an answer.  Still praying for all of you.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 18, 2022)

So at the CFT meeting last month, when it was my turn to talk I was interrupted not even a full sentence in, and because of a few words I used, I am now considered "dangerous if left alone with Paxton". I can only visit him with supervision, and only at the county visitors center.

For my contribution to the meeting I wanted to use an example of Paxton's ability for conceptual thinking and his understanding of nuance. His ability for conceptual thinking is easily at the level of a 5 year old. And the reason I wanted to discuss this is because his caseworker is refusing to arrange psychotherapy for him, or at least a family counselor. She said he's too young to benefit, which is ridiculous. He's old enough to have depression, anxiety, and abandonment issues. And my point was going to be that he's mature enough to benefit from counseling. (there are kids as young as 18months in psychotherapy and counseling, and benefiting from it)

What I said at the meeting was, "Paxton told me he doesn't want to live with his mother, so I explained to him that mommy is sick, and she's...." and 3 people stopped me right there; the caseworker, a therapist (for snake's sake!), and the moderator. So there it is, an incomplete sentence hanging out there with absolutely no context whatsoever, leaving an impression. I'm pretty sure it was the word "sick" that made them slam on the breaks, because they forgot I was talking to a 3yr-old. From their perspective, the word "sick" has another connotation besides "being ill" or "unwell".

The day Paxton told me he didn't want to live with his mom, I knew it was _partly_ because he felt rejected by her. (the abuse sure wasn't helping) So I told him mom was sick, and some people were taking care of her right then, and that's the only reason he was living with a different family. I told him his mom loves him, but they would have to live apart until she got well and healthy. And he _understood_. He understood every word, and that was my whole point. You have to use age-appropriate language, like the word "sick", but Paxton totally gets what you're saying, always.

Anyway, now I'm a "dangerous contact" because I might fill Pax's simple little head with bad stuff about mommy.

Fortunately, the last time I saw him I told him to stop worrying about me and all the crap going on around him, that none of it is his fault, and to just have fun. Every Day.


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## terry123 (Jan 19, 2022)

So sorry, Murr.  Will keep praying for you and him!


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## Murrmurr (Jan 19, 2022)

terry123 said:


> So sorry, Murr.  Will keep praying for you and him!


Thank you, Terry.

I filed a grievance letter with Amador Social Services, for what that's worth. I don't expect anything will come of it, but the caseworker will get a copy and I'm glad for that. At best, it will prompt her to have a civil conversation with me....at best. I asked for one in the letter. I even offered to buy her a coffee (if we talk in person).


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## Pinky (Jan 19, 2022)

Good that you filed a grievance letter, Murr .. I hope they take it into consideration, and something comes of it. They should be listening to you, for Paxton's sake.


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## Pepper (Jan 19, 2022)

For better or worse, Tara is his mother and that's what family reunification is all about.  Some of us get cursed at birth; others blessed, but no matter which it is, that's the luck of the draw.  That's part of their family reunification procedures.

If it seems a miracle that many of us survive mentally, that's because it is.  Old English law that the family is sacrosanct, each family run as kind of individual 'kingdoms', and some kingdoms exist in the third world.


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## RFW (Jan 19, 2022)

In my experience, CPS tends to lean towards the mother. To the extreme at times. I sympathize with you.


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## Pepper (Jan 19, 2022)

The foster child's family is designated by the term 'natural' family, or natural parent, or was when I worked in the field.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 19, 2022)

Pepper said:


> For better or worse, Tara is his mother and that's what family reunification is all about.  *Some of us get cursed at birth; others blessed, but no matter which it is, that's the luck of the draw. * That's part of their family reunification procedures.
> 
> If it seems a miracle that many of us survive mentally, that's because it is.  Old English law that the family is sacrosanct, each family run as kind of individual 'kingdoms', and some kingdoms exist in the third world.


I'd been telling myself that (the bit in bold) and that's why, at the meeting, I decided to focus on Paxton's need for therapy. He needs help accepting and coping with the hand he's been dealt, the worker knows that, and she's been dragging her feet for months while he gets more depressed and confused and forms his own little ideas about it all, like that life is bad because he did something bad. 

So what's got me totally bent outta shape now is that they shut me up right at the point where what I said was obviously misconstrued as "dangerous talk" and it always will be because I wasn't allowed to say another word. That's a violation here in Calif (within the realm of CFT meetings), so that's why I sent the grievance. 

Yeah, it'll be a miracle if Paxton grows up to be a fine upstanding citizen and good man. That breaks my heart. And not just for Paxton, but also the millions of other kids like him.


----------



## fancicoffee13 (Jan 19, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> A promontory on the pacific coast called Bodega Head is where my life took a bad turn. Me and a dive-buddy just finished checking out this deep freshwater pond situated just inland from Campbell Cove. I’m not sure that pond has an official name but people in the area call it The Hole in the Head. Some guys working there thought we were going to dive it and asked if we had a permit, which we didn’t but that wasn’t the plan anyway, so we crossed the peninsula over to the west shore of Bodega Head and that’s where it happened. I stepped out onto a sturdy rocky shelf to find the best way down to the shoreline and saw it would be a tricky hike so I put on my wetsuit bc it was better than carrying it. Then I stepped back out even farther just to check again which was really stupid bc there was s strong gusty wind up there, and that was literally my downfall.
> 
> I might have posted about this somewhere already but this is a diary, so not only might I repeat myself sometimes, sometimes I won’t use spell check and the grammar and punctuation software. But I’m sure nobody feels pressured to read diaries so, yeah, sometimes I won’t bother with that stuff.
> 
> So anyway, I had a few non-life-threatening spine fractures, and bone shards got stuck in some lumbar and thoracic nerve roots, and my spine shifted out of alignment a few degrees here and there. Moreover, my liver was busted up a bit and some of the contents of my stomach splashed out onto the rock I landed on. Not a good scene. I had surgery and that fixed me up adequately and I healed fast and went back to work in less than 2 months but I had to take it easy for another month. But years along, when I started having severe back pain, my new doctor saw bone shards still in there, along with the misalignment being increased by a significant degree but I didn’t have the second surgery until about 5 years go when it was ok (and kind of imperative) for me to retire.


Oh My Gosh!!!!! I am so sorry that adventure took a really bad and costly turn!  I hope you enjoy retirement, this board is a good place.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jan 19, 2022)

Pinky said:


> Good that you filed a grievance letter, Murr .. I hope they take it into consideration, and something comes of it. They should be listening to you, for Paxton's sake.


Yes they should because of my history with him. They don't know him.


----------



## Pepper (Jan 19, 2022)

Frank I am so happy you have Michelle to help you through this mess.  You've got a loving heart my friend.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 19, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Frank I am so happy you have Michelle to help you through this mess.  You've got a loving heart my friend.


I feel bad putting her through it with me. I used to go in the bathroom whenever I'd think about it too much, and see his little face in my mind and all that; I used to go in there so Michelle wouldn't see me be all torn up about it, but she made me stop doing that. She said something like "don't run to the bathroom, you run to my arms!" And she's right. It's a much better idea.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jan 19, 2022)

fancicoffee13 said:


> Oh My Gosh!!!!! I am so sorry that adventure took a really bad and costly turn!  I hope you enjoy retirement, this board is a good place.


Took me a year to recover from that fall, including several months of grueling physical therapy. But my doctors said they expected recovery to take at least 18 months to 2 years, so I was lucky.

I am enjoying my retirement, thanks, Fancy.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jan 19, 2022)

RFW said:


> In my experience, CPS tends to lean towards the mother. To the extreme at times. I sympathize with you.


Thanks RFdub. Paxton, the little boy I'm talking about was my foster son. He was placed here when he was just shy of a month old, and returned to mom when he was a little over 2 1/2 years old. Eight months later, CPS took him again, but they were in a different county so he was placed with a family there. The mom is/was a drug addict but she was also abusing him. At first CPS was going to place Paxton (and his younger twin siblings) up for adoption, but they changed their minds a couple months ago. Why, I don't know. It's crazy.

Paxton and the twins have been with the current foster family since June 2021. Their mother's final trial will be in about 6 months. I used to get Paxton every weekend because everyone agreed it was good for him, but the mom put a stop to that several weeks ago. She got mad at me, so the heck with what Paxton needed, you know?


----------



## RFW (Jan 19, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Thanks RFdub. Paxton, the little boy I'm talking about was my foster son. He was placed here when he was just shy of a month old, and returned to mom when he was a little over 2 1/2 years old. Eight months later, CPS took him again, but they were in a different county so he was placed with a family there. The mom is/was a drug addict but she was also abusing him. At first CPS was going to place Paxton (and his younger twin siblings) up for adoption, but they changed their minds a couple months ago. Why, I don't know. It's crazy.
> 
> Paxton and the twins have been with the current foster family since June 2021. Their mother's final trial will be in about 6 months. I used to get Paxton every weekend because everyone agreed it was good for him, but the mom put a stop to that several weeks ago. She got mad at me, so the heck with what Paxton needed, you know?


Nine times out of ten I respond to a domestic disturbance, kids are present at the scene and they always look visibly scared and confused. I saw it all too often and these was only so much I could do. I can't imagine what it's like now where I used to work.

RFdub sounds like it should be my new moniker.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jan 19, 2022)

RFW said:


> RFdub sounds like it should be my new moniker.


----------



## Kaila (Jan 20, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Yes they should because of my history with him. They don't know him.


I had been going to suggest you write a letter, so am glad you did.  It's worth a try, for any possible positive outcome.

On another aspect, a _Play Therapist _would be very helpful for him, and I would think it would not be difficult to document its appropriateness and effectiveness, with children his age.  (while those at that meeting did not comprehend the value of even talk therapy, for young children)

Also its important, for everyone, that you take care of yourself, too.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jan 20, 2022)

Kaila said:


> Also its important, for everyone, that you take care of yourself, too.


My appetite is a bit better, and Michelle always insists I eat after she gets home, too. She's sure that the more you eat, the more your appetite grows. Not sure if that's true, but I have stopped losing weight and even gained back almost 10 pounds, which is really good. I'm starting to sleep better, too. 

This will pass, this whole sh!t-show with CPS and all, I just need to do a better job handling the stress and worry. Worrying about Paxton's future is the worst part because of the stuff I can _imagine_ will happen. I've got to let that go. Gotta stop trying to see it. The chips will fall where they fall and worrying isn't going to change that. 

Thanks, Kaila!


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## hollydolly (Jan 21, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I'd been telling myself that (the bit in bold) and that's why, at the meeting, I decided to focus on Paxton's need for therapy. He needs help accepting and coping with the hand he's been dealt, the worker knows that, and she's been dragging her feet for months while he gets more depressed and confused and forms his own little ideas about it all, like that life is bad because he did something bad.
> 
> So what's got me totally bent outta shape now is that they shut me up right at the point where what I said was obviously misconstrued as "dangerous talk" and it always will be because I wasn't allowed to say another word. That's a violation here in Calif (within the realm of CFT meetings), so that's why I sent the grievance.
> 
> Yeah, it'll be a miracle if Paxton grows up to be a fine upstanding citizen and good man. That breaks my heart. And not just for Paxton, but also the millions of other kids like him.


I completely understand everything you say, your  stress, and your concerns, and sheer terror for little Paxton , Frank... but I can only say , if it's any consolation to you at all... some of us seriously abused children do grow up to be ' Fine upstanding Citizens''.. it can be done.. it might take us the longest route, with all it's twists and turns , but many of _are_ those Million to one children, who came through, _despite_ the odds!!


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## Murrmurr (Jan 21, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I completely understand everything you say, your  stress, and your concerns, and sheer terror for little Paton , Frank... but I can only say , if it's any consolation to you at all... some of us seriosuly abused children do grow up to be ' Fine upstanding Citizens''.. it can be done.. it might take us the longest route, with all it's twists and turns , but many of _are_ those Million to one children, who came through, _despite_ the odds!!


He knows what goodness looks like and feels like. I just hope he doesn't ever forget.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 25, 2022)

Pinky said:


> Good that you filed a grievance letter, Murr .. I hope they take it into consideration, and something comes of it. They should be listening to you, for Paxton's sake.


I got a response to my letter 4 days ago.

"Good afternoon Mr. Murr.

"I am writing to you to confirm receipt of your letter regarding your experience working with [the caseworker], one of our Child Welfare Social Workers. and the lack of mental health services for one of the children you reference. I have reviewed your concerns with that unit's program manager, [named], and have forwarded your letter to her so that she may follow up with [caseworker's] supervisor and with [caseworker]. If any other concerns come to mind, please do not hesitate to reach out to [aforementioned manager] directly. She can be reached at [#---].   

Please be assured that your concerns will be taken seriously."

That's pretty good, huh?


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## Pinky (Jan 25, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I got a response to my letter 4 days ago.
> 
> "Good afternoon Mr. Murr.
> 
> ...


It's a start 
This person appears to be taking your concerns seriously, which is a positive.


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## Kaila (Jan 25, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I got a response to my letter 4 days ago.
> 
> "Good afternoon Mr. Murr.
> 
> ...


It seems a lot better than nothing.  
Plus, at least it lets you know that they are not going to be pretending they lost it or didn't get it.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jan 31, 2022)

I didn't let myself nap all day, had a relaxing tea ritual, and took 3 muscle relaxers, 2 pain pills and a Benedryl about an hour ago and I'm still not sleepy. What da heck? Whuddo I gotta dooo?

It's been like this for like 3 weeks. I thought it was getting better for a couple days there; I slept a few hours one night and then for about 6 hours the next. Thought I was on a roll, but nope. And I hate to be in and out of bed all night because Michelle needs to sleep. It's useless anyway.

Is this an old-people thing? Doesn't this make you get even older even faster?

I gotta start doing something different. Maybe make that skirt I promised my sister months ago. I'll be so glad when we get a house so I can work in the yard and tinker around in a garage and fix some things. I'll break things and then fix 'em if I have to. Cuz I'm going batshit crazy lately.

Ok, one more cup of really warm tea and then I'm gonna go snuggle up to Michelle. Hope I don't wake her. At least she doesn't have to get up very early tomorrow...er, this morning. Later this morning.


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## hollydolly (Jan 31, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I didn't let myself nap all day, had a relaxing tea ritual, and took 3 muscle relaxers, 2 pain pills and a Benedryl about an hour ago and I'm still not sleepy. What da heck? Whuddo I gotta dooo?
> 
> It's been like this for like 3 weeks. I thought it was getting better for a couple days there; I slept a few hours one night and then for about 6 hours the next. Thought I was on a roll, but nope. And I hate to be in and out of bed all night because Michelle needs to sleep. It's useless anyway.
> 
> ...


I hope it's not an old people thing..because I've been suffering for months now, but actually I think I know what's causing mine... 

What time is it there ?... it's past 1pm here


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## Murrmurr (Jan 31, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I hope it's not an old people thing..because I've been suffering for months now, but actually I think I know what's causing mine...
> 
> What time is it there ?... it's past 1pm here


I posted that at about 5am. I usually start getting sleepy sometime bx 4 and 6 in the morning. The next day I'm drowsy right after dinner, at about 7pm, but I refuse to sleep then because I'd be up all night...or that's the logic anyway. But I'm up all night whether I doze off in the evening or not. I'm doing ok, but this worries me.


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## Murrmurr (Feb 16, 2022)

Michelle has got to be the best back scratcher alive, hands-down. Before I met Michelle it had been quite a long while since a lady scratched my back for me, but I do have references for comparison, and I can say with absolute confidence, my judgement is correct.

You know how some itches will travel? Michelle is excellent at predicting an itch’s path and final destination. And you know how some itches suddenly crop up with way more urgency than the one that's currently being scratched? She can predict those, too, with at least 93% accuracy. Plus, she knows precisely how gently or aggressively she should attack any given itch. 

Michelle is the Itch Reader.


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## Murrmurr (Feb 26, 2022)

I didn't sleep last night. Too angry at myself. This goes clear back to that CFT meeting. I'm angry at myself because I didn't say anything after those 3 ladies cut me off mid-sentence. Actually, I'm not mad cuz I didn't say anything, I'm mad cuz I couldn't think how to say it clean and calmly. I do have a quick temper. Depends on the situation. Like, I never go off on my kids or grandkids, or Michelle....only people I don't know.  

I'm thinking about that. I think it's true. I don't remember ever going off on a friend or loved one. So I guess strangers can really piss me off and I'll get right in their face and yell and poke their chest and all that, and I'm really foul-mouthed. Very foul. Well, aside from 2 words. There's 2 cuss words I never throw around unless I'm alone; like when it's just me and an electric tool that wasn't charged or something. But I don't just cuss when I'm mad and yelling; I cuss all the time. I like to cuss. I actually enjoy it. Which makes writing posts and comments on here difficult sometimes. I have to stop and think of nice words. Either that or restructure the whole sentence.

And that's what tied my tongue at that flippin CFT meeting. Hot-headed enough to yell and cuss, too hot-headed to calm down and think up a bunch of substitutions or restructuring. And I have to admit, I'm even more mad about that because it made me look like a ....a wussie. 

Michelle came in here at 3am and asked me if I'm ok and all that. And she said I need to let it go, but I can't. I said I'm trying to, and I am. I'm back to doing routine meditations. Except they're not as routine as they _could_ be. I meditate maybe 3 times a week. I used to do it 3 times a day. Even 4, on bad days. So I should meditate more. It really helps clear my head. It's very energizing, too, oddly. And I should get back to doing tea rituals regularly too. I've done them less and less during this covid stuff. Probably because there's a social element. It's weird to have ritual tea alone. (Michelle doesn't like the taste...very earthy and slightly bitter)

Well anyway, so fork those CFT witches, right?


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## Kaila (Feb 26, 2022)

It's understandable, Frank.  All very difficult.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 1, 2022)

Lil K was mostly quiet all day. Until around 4pm. She fussed from about 4 until 5:30, crying the whole time. Michelle finally made her another bottle, wrapped her up tight and took her to the rocking chair. She nodded off solid...K, that is. Then she woke back up at 8, so I freshened her up and fed her and we sat in my recliner and I talked to her for a while. She went back to sleep again at 9pm.

She's pretty stoic and still (when she isn't crying). I suppose that's typical for a baby who spent their first 5 weeks in a warm, quiet box at a hospital, not being cuddled or talked to much, only getting custodial handling. Paxton wasn't kept in a NICU, but he went directly into a receiving home, and he was very stoic. He didn't interact, didn't even smile until he was 4 months old. Drugs in the system might play a part in that stoicism, too.

But I think we'll grow on her.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 1, 2022)

Pixel the Cat's got this baby thing all figured out. While the tall, hairless human is distracted, grab his ham sandwich, help yourself to his tea, email a friend.

When he got up on my desk I squirted him with some water from a spray bottle and he didn't even flinch! Looked at me like, "_pphhfftt!_ Is that all you got, old man?"

So I turned the nozzle to "stream" and shot him again. He was all "Whatever. I was thirsty anyway."


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## Kaila (Mar 2, 2022)

I _had_ wondered how Pixel was making the adjustments.
Thanks for that post.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 3, 2022)

K found her _eat, play, love_ *groove already.

wake - 6am; eat, love
nap - 7:30am
wake - 9am; play, eat
nap - 10am
wake - 11:30am; love, play, eat (, music)
nap - 1pm
wake - 3pm; eat, play, love (, cry)
nap - 5pm
wake - 7:30pm; eat, play (, cry, bath), love
beddie-bye - 9pm
wake - midnight/1am; eat(, music), love
beddie-bye 2.0 - 3am

* denotes changes are possible or even likely in possibly the immediate future or possibly not


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## Murrmurr (Mar 3, 2022)

Yay! The g-kids are coming over today to stay the weekend - their first weekend with Lil K. They're stoked and so am I bc they can be helpful.


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## terry123 (Mar 3, 2022)

I remember those early days when mine were first born.  Good memories and no sleep!


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## Murrmurr (Mar 3, 2022)

terry123 said:


> I remember those early days when mine were first born.  Good memories and no sleep!


Yeah, my schedule looks almost exactly like hers.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 5, 2022)

So I finally talked to the Director of Social Services/CPS, Ms. Mills, the lady I sent my Letter of Grievance to.

I wasn’t at all confrontational. I kept my cool. I framed everything sympathetically. Like, I told Ms. Mills that, after the first reunification in late Oct 2020, "poor" Tara suddenly had 3 toddlers at home that she barely knew, and that she called me within a month and said she was totally overwhelmed, and that’s why I agreed to take Pax on weekends. I said it seemed clear to me that Tara’s frustration turned to anger, anger came out as abuse toward Paxton, and the whole situation caused Tara to relapse. And I warned Ms. Mills that after this upcoming reunification (in April), Tara is very likely to repeat this cycle of frustration, abuse and relapse unless CPS gets her some real help now, and then follows up after reunification for as long as they can…unlike the first time, when they closed the case after only 2 home visits and they didn’t even know anything about it. The case had just been transferred from Sac County not even a month earlier.

It _seemed_ like a fruitful conversation. Ms. Mills seemed genuinely interested in everything I told her, and she said she was really glad she talked to me and that she would definitely take my concerns up with the “care team” asap. She couldn’t tell me if Paxton was already in therapy because that’s confidential; she said “I can only tell you that we are seeing good progress generally.” 

She also apologized that I was interrupted and not allowed to speak at Paxton’s CFT meeting. She said that was all a misunderstanding, mine and the caseworkers. I argued that it was 100% the caseworker’s misunderstanding, not mine. I had _told_ the caseworker I would obey their rules about keeping things positive, but she came in there prejudging me as hostile. She acted with prejudice, period. And that caused irreparable damage. An apology can't fix that.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 14, 2022)

Remember the full head of black hair Lil Miss K used to have?
I guess this is what can happen if you wash it too much.


----------



## hollydolly (Mar 14, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Remember the full head of black hair Lil Miss K used to have?
> I guess this is what can happen if you wash it too much.
> 
> View attachment 213117


awww how absolutely adorable.. and that first hair just comes off anyway....


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## RFW (Mar 14, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> So I finally talked to the Director of Social Services/CPS, Ms. Mills, the lady I sent my Letter of Grievance to.
> 
> I wasn’t at all confrontational. I kept my cool. I framed everything sympathetically. Like, I told Ms. Mills that, after the first reunification in late Oct 2020, "poor" Tara suddenly had 3 toddlers at home that she barely knew, and that she called me within a month and said she was totally overwhelmed, and that’s why I agreed to take Pax on weekends. I said it seemed clear to me that Tara’s frustration turned to anger, anger came out as abuse toward Paxton, and the whole situation caused Tara to relapse. And I warned Ms. Mills that after this upcoming reunification (in April), Tara is very likely to repeat this cycle of frustration, abuse and relapse unless CPS gets her some real help now, and then follows up after reunification for as long as they can…unlike the first time, when they closed the case after only 2 home visits and they didn’t even know anything about it. The case had just been transferred from Sac County not even a month earlier.
> 
> ...


This is something I keep seeing in caseworkers in general. They are overloaded with difficult cases with barely enough time to study them properly. So prejudice does absolutely exist. It's easy when you already make up your mind about who to trust and no further investigation is necessary. Hell, even I am doing it right now because you seem like a good and honest man with your side of the story that I empathize. The difference is it's not my job to get it right. All in all, I can see and understand why these things keep happening but there is absolutely no excuse for potentially ruining people's lives when you could do better and choose not to.


Murrmurr said:


> Remember the full head of black hair Lil Miss K used to have?
> I guess this is what can happen if you wash it too much.
> 
> View attachment 213117


Cute!


----------



## MickaC (Mar 14, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Remember the full head of black hair Lil Miss K used to have?
> I guess this is what can happen if you wash it too much.
> 
> View attachment 213117


LOVE YOUR LITTLE ANGEL......even without hair.


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## Pink Biz (Mar 14, 2022)

She's so sweet!


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## RadishRose (Mar 14, 2022)

She lost it fast!


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## Murrmurr (Mar 14, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> She lost it fast!


It was sort of gradual. Sort of. The sides came off first but I thought she'd rock the mohawk for a lot longer. Seems like my daughter wore it for a year or so.


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## Pinky (Mar 14, 2022)

@Murrmurr 
What a sweetheart! I just want to cuddle her to pieces


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## Murrmurr (Mar 14, 2022)

RFW said:


> This is something I keep seeing in caseworkers in general. They are overloaded with difficult cases with barely enough time to study them properly. So prejudice does absolutely exist. It's easy when you already make up your mind about who to trust and no further investigation is necessary. Hell, even I am doing it right now because you seem like a good and honest man with your side of the story that I empathize. The difference is it's not my job to get it right. All in all, I can see and understand why these things keep happening but there is absolutely no excuse for potentially ruining people's lives when you could do better and choose not to.


Yeah, you hear this case-overload excuse over and over. Seems the simple solution is to hire more caseworkers. I'm only guessing here, but I think they don't because then the directors and supervisors would be paid less and/or get fewer bonuses and benefits. If I'm right about that, then the safety, mental health, and futures of millions of children is forfeited to ensure hefty salaries.

And I do think I'm right.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 14, 2022)

Pinky said:


> @Murrmurr
> What a sweetheart! I just want to cuddle her to pieces


I've had to stick Li'l K back together a few times after Michelle got done with the cuddling.


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## terry123 (Mar 14, 2022)

She is so beautiful!


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## Jules (Mar 14, 2022)

terry123 said:


> She is so beautiful!


She really is!


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## Murrmurr (Mar 16, 2022)

I saw my doctor yesterday, my PCP. According to her scale I've actually lost 30 pounds, not a little over 20, like I thought. 
And this loss has occurred over just the past year, after weighing the same (give or take 5lbs) since I was around 45.

So, now she's worried, too. She ordered some tests. I went to the lab for blood draws already and they gave me a fecal-test kit. 
Next, they'll look inside, see if something's going on. But the thing is, I'm _not hungry_. That's what's going on. She wants to make sure there's not something wrong with my organs or whatever, and that's ok. If it comes down to just my appetite, there's a pill for that.


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## PamfromTx (Mar 18, 2022)

I was wondering if you had posted more photos of that sweet little baby.  She is absolutely precious!!!


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## Murrmurr (Mar 22, 2022)

PamfromTx said:


> I was wondering if you had posted more photos of that sweet little baby.  She is absolutely precious!!!


Here's one....her first laugh! My granddaughter Mandy got it out of her.



Thanking my lucky stars Mandy's boyfriend is a better photographer than me.


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## hollydolly (Mar 22, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Here's one....her first laugh! My granddaughter Mandy got it out of her.
> 
> View attachment 214101
> 
> Thanking my lucky stars Mandy's boyfriend is a better photographer than me.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 22, 2022)

3am. Me and Li'l K were quietly watching lullaby videos and she drifted back to sleep. She's all curled up on this thing called a boppy pillow in my lap, doing little baby snores. I kind of hate to move her.

We're going to our doctor appointments tomorrow, her for an immunization, me for some lab work for the weight loss and a med review because because I decided against getting that injection in my spine. The PA at the pain clinic wants me and my PCP to discuss a medication called Buprenorphine. I haven't even looked it up yet. I always look them up, but Kailee's kept me so busy I haven't taken the time. I'll check it out after I put the baby in her crib.

She's doing really well. She was so stoic when we first got her, and she didn't move around much, but she's been very responsive the past couple weeks. When she's on her tummy she holds her head up and looks around, starting to grab at things - we lay her on her back on this pad that has colorful objects dangling from an arch over it. She's reaching up and grabbing them and does happy kicks. Her dark hair fell out and she's got a little bit of fuzz coming in now. It looks light. Very light blond.

She seems really happy. I better put her in her crib, then some soothing tea for Daddy.


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## hollydolly (Mar 22, 2022)

Just a quick description from the NHS website Frank...

Buprenorphine is a strong opioid painkiller. It's used to treat severe pain, for example during or after an operation or a serious injury, or pain from cancer. It's also used for other types of pain you've had for a long time, when weaker painkillers have stopped working.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 22, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Just a quick description from the NHS website Frank...
> 
> Buprenorphine is a strong opioid painkiller. It's used to treat severe pain, for example during or after an operation or a serious injury, or pain from cancer. It's also used for other types of pain you've had for a long time, when weaker painkillers have stopped working.


Thanks, Holly.

I also found this: Buprenorphine is an opioid used to treat opioid use disorder, acute pain, and chronic pain.

Firstly, that doesn't even make sense. Secondly, I don't have an opioid use disorder. This PA wants to get me off Norco. It was the very first time I've ever seen her. She doesn't know me or my history, she saw the word Norco on my medication sheet and went directly to the cut-off protocol. I've been seeing my PCP for over 5 years, and _she_ knows my goal is to take the lowest dose possible of ANY type of pain reliever. She also knows I'm in a lot of pain, it's becoming more severe, and it's constant.

This article also says: At increasing doses, unlike a full opioid agonist, the agonist effects of buprenorphine reach a maximum and do not continue to increase linearly with increasing doses of the drug--the ceiling effect.

Sounds like the relief has a ceiling. ?? Like you get adequate relief until your pain worsens, and then you're out of luck because you won't get more relief above a certain dosage. Or maybe "agonist" means something entirely not that...like something physiological; your cell's pain receptors or something.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 22, 2022)

I gained a little weight.

I either haven't mentioned actual weights on here, or I've said that I lost, say, 20 pounds when in reality it was more like 30 (didn't want to worry anyone), but anyway, coming clean, today the doctor's scale said I'm 141 lbs, which is a gain of about 6 lbs since this time last month. I'm about 6ft tall after a major back surgery propped up my crumpled spine a bit, and my weight hovered around 175-180 lbs for over 30 years, until I suddenly lost my appetite a year ago. I've been slowly but steadily losing weight ever since.

Lab work today said liver damage is probably causing the loss of appetite/weight loss, and since there's not a lot they can do about the damage, my doctor prescribed oxandrolone, an appetite stimulant. Problem is, one of the side effects is it can cause cysts on your liver...gah! It's a rare side effect, and I'll be on a low dose and probably for only about 6 months, but I'll have to have my liver checked regularly. An up-side of the oxandrolone besides better appetite is that it might also help with my pain.

And for pain, my doctor prescribed Cymbalta and also increased my Norco from 4 caps per day to 5. The cause of the (new) pain is my L-4 vertebrae slipped down onto and slightly in front of the L-5 vertebrae. So I have an appt with my back surgeon in 3 weeks, and he'll probably schedule me for another surgery. We already talked about it last month. The timing is good bc Michelle has a school break in April.

And Li'l K got an immunization today. She didn't like it at all, and who can blame her?

On our way home from the doctors, me and K stopped to get a week's worth of groceries, but at check-out I found out I left my wallet at home. The cashier was a real turd about it....as if I drag a 2-month-old with injection-induced crankiness along with me on major shopping trips, and then say "oops" at the last minute just to mess with people. _You have a nice day, too, ya little punk_.


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## Jan14 (Mar 22, 2022)

She’s darling.


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 22, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> 3am. Me and Li'l K were quietly watching lullaby videos and she drifted back to sleep. She's all curled up on this thing called a boppy pillow in my lap, doing little baby snores. I kind of hate to move her.
> 
> We're going to our doctor appointments tomorrow, her for an immunization, me for some lab work for the weight loss and a med review because because I decided against getting that injection in my spine. The PA at the pain clinic wants me and my PCP to discuss a medication called Buprenorphine. I haven't even looked it up yet. I always look them up, but Kailee's kept me so busy I haven't taken the time. I'll check it out after I put the baby in her crib.
> 
> ...


She is a beautiful baby girl, gentle hug from me.  Wishing the best for you and your health, thoughts with you all.


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## PamfromTx (Mar 22, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> 3am. Me and Li'l K were quietly watching lullaby videos and she drifted back to sleep. She's all curled up on this thing called a boppy pillow in my lap, doing little baby snores. I kind of hate to move her.
> 
> We're going to our doctor appointments tomorrow, her for an immunization, me for some lab work for the weight loss and a med review because because I decided against getting that injection in my spine. The PA at the pain clinic wants me and my PCP to discuss a medication called Buprenorphine. I haven't even looked it up yet. I always look them up, but Kailee's kept me so busy I haven't taken the time. I'll check it out after I put the baby in her crib.
> 
> ...


_Sending good, healthy vibes your way.  May the good wishes and warm thoughts of those who care about you send a little cheerfulness into your world and help you feel better._


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## Murrmurr (Apr 2, 2022)

Li'l K's grandmother came to visit her yesterday. Her name is Anne. She's only 41 and she looks a good 10 years younger. She hardly ever put K down while she was here. She changed her diapers, fed her, played with her and cuddled her, and K took to her right away. She brought a bunch of really nice gifts for her, too.

Anne wants to foster Li'l K, so she's looking at houses within Sacramento County (which is huge), but CPS will transfer K's case to the county that Anne lives in provided she passes the background check and home inspection, and she probably will. The Sac Co caseworker said K's mom has 30 days to enter rehab here, and if she doesn't she'll have to enter rehab in Utah, near where Anne lives. 

She talked about how K's mom got in on a bad path. She and her husband divorced 4 years ago, and their daughter went downhill pretty fast. Started using drugs, left home, got popped for shoplifting.

So anyway, I guess Li'l K's grandmother could come to take her home as soon as a month from now. The caseworker will keep us updated.


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## Kaila (Apr 2, 2022)

It will surely help that little girl along in her life, that you and Michelle have been giving her such good care, and were there for her, during this time, Frank.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 7, 2022)

Anne will pick up Kailee tomorrow at around 1pm.

Kailee's mom was arrested on Saturday for drug possession and the worker went to see her on Monday after her arraignment to ask if she would voluntarily agree to Sac County placing the baby in Anne's care in Utah. The mom said yes. 

By agreeing to that, in order to get Kailee back I'm pretty sure the mom will have to go to Utah to enter rehab and get reunification services, which includes visitation (after she's rehabilitated). I assume the worker explained that to her.

Anne called today. She said her approval process was expedited. She sat through two 2-hour interviews and then had her home inspected and approved for child health and safety the very next day. That's gotta be a record. She'd already been cleared by the FBI. They do the background checks. She sounded really excited....happily excited.

Anyway, I don't know if they're going to fly or if Anne's going to drive, but she'll be here to get Kailee tomorrow afternoon. She said she has everything Kailee needs, but we'll pack her clothes, bottles, and formula, and Anne can take em or leave em.

 Yeah, I'm bummed. Michelle is sad. But we're happy for Kailee, though. (it's pronounced Ky-lee)


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## Pinky (Apr 7, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Anne will pick up Kailee tomorrow at around 1pm.
> 
> Kailee's mom was arrested on Saturday for drug possession and the worker went to see her on Monday after her arraignment to ask if she would voluntarily agree to Sac County placing the baby in Anne's care in Utah. The mom said yes.
> 
> ...


@Murrmurr 
I know you and Michelle are going to miss Kailee. I hope you can feel content in knowing she is in good hands with her Grandmother. Ideally, it would be great if Kailee's mother could get clean. Perhaps one day, she will.


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## Jules (Apr 7, 2022)

You and Michelle have been warm and loving during Kailee’s essential first days.  You’re good people.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 9, 2022)

Knowing Anne was coming to get Kailee on Friday, me and Michelle took Li'l K to visit the kids and grandkids. Kirk and Ariel, especially, got real attached to her, and so did my youngest son's wife. So she got lots of hugs and cuddles and play, like "this little piggy" and stuff.

It was good to see how excited Anne was about taking K home. It was comforting. She hugged us and thanked us a bunch for taking good care of her granddaughter. She did take Kailee's clothes and the other stuff we packed. She plans to adopt Kailee if mom fails to get custody.

Anne said she'd write us every month and send pictures, and keep us in K's life and all that, but I told her I'd rather she didn't do that. She looked kind of dumbfounded, and Michelle looked at me like "What the...?" until I said "Hard to explain." Maybe Anne didn't fully understand, but Michelle did. I've been there with Paxton and it's just too painful. We didn't have Kailee nearly as long but....

You know what? It IS hard to explain. It's just best let her go and imagine she's happy and doing great.

Michelle went to do the shopping so I'm gonna go take the crib down and stow it away before she gets back.


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## Pepper (Apr 9, 2022)

You are handling the situation in the best way (((Frank)))


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## terry123 (Apr 9, 2022)

Pepper said:


> You are handling the situation in the best way (((Frank)))


Yes you are and most of us here understand your actions!!


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## Jules (Apr 9, 2022)

This time you have the benefit of knowing Li’l K is going to good home.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 10, 2022)

Jules said:


> This time you have the benefit of knowing Li’l K is going to good home.


Yeah, Anne seemed super nice, and she was totally excited that she gets to foster Kailee. She loved the little nursery we set up, and so Michelle offered her this wooden sign I made to hang above the crib - a pink  with kind of a fancy letter K on it - and she said "Oh, I'd love that!"

Kailee's caseworker said Anne has a nice 3-br house with a fenced yard. Anne called us when she got home just to say they made it there safely and she thanked us again. Couldn't be a better outcome for Li'l K.


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## terry123 (Apr 10, 2022)

Great outcome!  Its what I would do if it was my "grand".


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## Murrmurr (Apr 15, 2022)

I've decided not to have another back surgery. The new Rx, Cymbalta, is working pretty well so I figured Why go through surgery again? 

I'm on a real low dose right now but I see my PCP in a few days and I'll ask her about gradually increasing the Cymbalta and decreasing the Norco. She'll probly do that. If she does, then, in a couple months or so, I'll find out if the Cymbalta is working well because I take it with the Norco, or if it will work just as well alone.

Since I started taking Cymbalta, I haven't had even one foot cramp. I experienced a few onsets, but not the full-blown, excruciating, foot-distorting cramps I was suffering through up to 4 or 5 times a day. Also my legs haven't been twitching as much.


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## Pepper (Apr 15, 2022)

Also, Cymbalta is an anti-depressant.  I have tense muscles when I'm depressed, or especially anxious, and that gives me actual physical pain.  Do you think there is an element of that?


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## Murrmurr (Apr 15, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Also, Cymbalta is an anti-depressant.  I have tense muscles when I'm depressed, or especially anxious, and that gives me actual physical pain.  Do you think there is an element of that?


Might be. I hadn't thought of that. The back of my shoulders are "normally" all tensed up. They haven't been since that Rx was filled. Michelle noticed it bc she gives me back rubs, but I didn't put it together.


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## terry123 (Apr 15, 2022)

Don't blame you in trying to avoid back surgery.  My sister is doing the same.  Hope it all goes well for you!


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## PamfromTx (Apr 15, 2022)

@Murrmurr, you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 21, 2022)

*Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart.*

Wow. It’s been a whole year. Feels like 10. In a _good_ way. We’ve been through quite a lot together. There was that 3-day argument over washing the kitchen garbage bins vs just wiping them down the way I’ve done it for like 50 years, and in all that time not a single garbage bin collapsed under the weight of filth. I don’t spend $100 a year on bin liners for no reason. But hey, I’ll wash the stupid garbage bin twice a week…can’t be a bad thing.

Anyway, it's been a memorable year, hasn’t it? A year of really getting to know each other intimately. I know your dreams and goals, your inner self, your strengths and your fears. You know why I sometimes wear socks to bed (thank you for the two-dozen new pairs, by the way). And you knew I was lying to myself about never wanting to marry again. My mistake for judging all women by all the ones the few I dated.

Who knew I’d meet Miss Right at my age? Who knew I wouldn’t grow old alone here in my lonely little apartment, yelling at the people upstairs, “Turn it down, dammit! You call that music?”

I still can’t believe it sometimes. Can’t believe I actually fell in love a year ago, and it's the real deal. And I fall in love with you all over again every time I look at you, every time you walk through the door or pass through a room, every time I hear your voice.

Thank you for saving me, Meesh.* 


Forever Yours, 
Frank*


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## PamfromTx (Apr 21, 2022)




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## terry123 (Apr 22, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> *Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart.*
> 
> Wow. It’s been a whole year. Feels like 10. In a _good_ way. We’ve been through quite a lot together. There was that 3-day argument over washing the kitchen garbage bins vs just wiping them down the way I’ve done it for like 50 years, and in all that time not a single garbage bin collapsed under the weight of filth. I don’t spend $100 a year on bin liners for no reason. But hey, I’ll wash the stupid garbage bin twice a week…can’t be a bad thing.
> 
> ...


Beautiful, Murr.  To be loved like that is a wonderful dream!  Would love to experience that even at the age I am.  You both are blest to have found each other!  Congrats and many more years together to come.


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## Pinky (Apr 22, 2022)

What a beautiful tribute to Michelle, and to your marriage, Murr


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## Murrmurr (May 10, 2022)

Paxton will be 4 next month. He’ll have been living with his foster family for just over a year, He lived with me for a few months shy of 3 years before court ordered him to go live with his mother. He lived with her for about 8 months; long enough to know he’s miserable living with her.

After 3 months she kind of didn’t like living with him, either. So she started bringing him to me every weekend. The first time she brought him over, as he walked up to me, the look on Paxton’s face tore my heart up. His expression, in fact, his whole body said, “Please don’t make me do that again.” And on Monday, when I reminded him that his mom would be picking him up that evening, he screamed “No, No, NO!” and begged me to let him stay. “Please, Unca Pwank, please!”

I seriously considered grabbing him up and running. I’ve got a brother in Colorado, a nephew in Kentucky, a dear friend in Kansas and one all the way over in England. And I was single at the time, and no detective could have found out about the friends in Kansas and England. I considered it again when Paxton started showing up every weekend with bruises and scratches, first on his face and head, and then all over his body.

But I’d go to prison for abduction if I did get caught, and what good would I be to him then? So I did what the law requires; I reported his injuries and his Monday freakouts to his CPS worker. But as far as I can tell, _she_ didn’t do what the law requires. But Paxton’s father did. One evening, after pushing Mom off of Paxton, scooping Paxton up and taking him into a bedroom and locking the door, Dad called the police. Mom tested positive for meth that night, CPS took custody of Paxton and his younger twin siblings, and Dad got 90 days in prison for "physical violence against Mom" 

That was July last year, and Paxton and the twins have been with the same foster family ever since. They see their mother for a 3hr unsupervised visit every weekday after preschool. Paxton will be 4 next month. His grandmother told me that he reported his mother for abuse a few weeks ago. He told his preschool teachers and his therapist.

I’ve left a message with his new caseworker 3 times over the past week and a half. They’re supposed to call you back within 48 hrs. I’m still waiting for that forkin’ call. I just left a message with the director of CPS.


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## Pinky (May 10, 2022)

@Murrmurr  .. they see their mother for 3 hrs. unsupervised, every weekday?! What the!!!???

Good for Paxton for reporting the abuse. He's a strong boy. He's going to be okay.

Now, the new caseworker has to get his/her act together


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## Murrmurr (May 10, 2022)

Pinky said:


> @Murrmurr  .. they see their mother for 3 hrs. unsupervised, every weekday?! What the!!!???
> 
> Good for Paxton for reporting the abuse. He's a strong boy. He's going to be okay.
> 
> Now, the new caseworker has to get his/her act together


After finding some failures and discrepancies, the new caseworker is going over all 3 kids' cases with a fine tooth comb. And that's great, but Grandma said CPS is skeptical of Paxton's abuse allegations because he has no injuries - none that the foster mom can't explain. That's why I need to talk to them. I know what the deal is. He WAS physically abused by his mom, but mostly the abuse is emotional and verbal. How does a 4yr-old articulate that? He doesn't even know those _are_ abuse. He thinks it has to be hitting.

So I really need to talk to them.


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## Jules (May 10, 2022)

Happy 1st Anniversary to the Murrs.


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## Murrmurr (May 10, 2022)

Jules said:


> Happy 1st Anniversary to the Murrs.


Thank you, Hon. We went out and had a terrific dinner at the Texas Roadhouse and an exceptionally fun evening at home.


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## Murrmurr (May 21, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> After finding some failures and discrepancies, the new caseworker is going over all 3 kids' cases with a fine tooth comb. And that's great, but Grandma said CPS is skeptical of Paxton's abuse allegations because he has no injuries - none that the foster mom can't explain. That's why I need to talk to them. I know what the deal is. He WAS physically abused by his mom, but mostly the abuse is emotional and verbal. How does a 4yr-old articulate that? He doesn't even know those _are_ abuse. He thinks it has to be hitting.
> 
> So I really need to talk to them.


So nearly 3 weeks and 5 voicemails later, I finally got a call from the new caseworker's supervisor, Patty.

There's a hearing this coming Thursday, and Paxton and the twins will be given back to their mom.

CPS's policy is to call you back within 48 business hours. You hear that recording every time you leave a message. I suspect the caseworker didn't want to talk to me because she didn't want any "noise"...no info that would make reunification unjustified.

Still, I told Patty about his mom's physical abuse and she said that was interesting. I asked if his mom has an apartment or rental home yet and she said that was confidential. I asked why I'm not allowed any contact with Paxton and she said she'd look into it. I managed to keep a clean mouth and she thanked me for calling.

Child Protective Services does not protect children, it turns them into sociopaths and monsters. Sometimes it kills them. 
CPS is a scam and a danger to children. I despise CPS.

So much potential gone, happiness unlikely, self-confidence crushed. Paxton will grow up an angry, resentful person.

My boy's future is f***ed and I'm absolutely heart-broken.


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## hollydolly (May 21, 2022)

No words..I'm so sorry Frank...


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## PamfromTx (May 21, 2022)

Sending you hugs.  Hope things will change for the better.


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## RadishRose (May 21, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> So nearly 3 weeks and 5 voicemails later, I finally got a call from the new caseworker's supervisor, Patty.
> 
> There's a hearing this coming Thursday, and Paxton and the twins will be given back to their mom.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry and angry for you Frank! What the hell is wrong with these people. One can only hope they know what they're doing, that maybe the mom has been rehabilitated. I pray that's so.

I'm sorry I missed your anniversary my friend, but in spite of this news about Paxton, I am happy for you and Michelle. I loved that letter you wrote!

Don't lose hope for Paxton's future. Maybe it will work out.


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## Pinky (May 21, 2022)

Is the Grandmother still in the picture? Will she have access to them, so she can let you know how Paxton is?


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## MountainRa (May 21, 2022)

So very sorry to read this about Paxton. Truly disheartening.


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## Murrmurr (May 22, 2022)

Pinky said:


> Is the Grandmother still in the picture? Will she have access to them, so she can let you know how Paxton is?


a) Yes, she is, and, b) I think she will, but I haven't heard from her much the past few months.

All of Paxton's toys, his art supplies, computer tablet, movies, CDs, and his tricycle and bed are here. I sent all his clothes to his foster mother some time ago, and his grandmother took a few things. I'm going to hang onto this stuff until....actually, I'm not sure for how long. Maybe his mother will want some of it, maybe his grandma will.

Most of it's neatly arranged in an alcove of our bedroom, below the stars and big moon he and I made for that wall. The rest is in our closet.

I can't bring myself to just get rid of it. I'm not there yet. And maybe he'll want some of it at some point.


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## terry123 (May 22, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> a) Yes, she is, and, b) I think she will, but I haven't heard from her much the past few months.
> 
> All of Paxton's toys, his art supplies, computer tablet, movies, CDs, and his tricycle and bed are here. I sent all his clothes to his foster mother some time ago, and his grandmother took a few things. I'm going to hang onto this stuff until....actually, I'm not sure for how long. Maybe his mother will want some of it, maybe his grandma will.
> 
> ...


I would hold onto it also. You never know about the future.  I still have hope that you will have time with him again.  I still keep y'all in my prayers, Murr.


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## dseag2 (May 22, 2022)

I'm so sorry, Frank.  I know how long you have battling to make sure Paxton is in a good home.  This breaks my heart.  Please keep the faith!


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## SeaBreeze (May 22, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> So much potential gone, happiness unlikely, self-confidence crushed. Paxton will grow up an angry, resentful person.
> 
> My boy's future is f***ed and I'm absolutely heart-broken.


Oh my goodness, that is terrible.  I hope somehow Paxton can find some happiness and security in life, my heart goes out to both of you.  Very sad news, so unfair.


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## Murrmurr (May 22, 2022)

dseag2 said:


> I'm so sorry, Frank.  I know how long you have battling to make sure Paxton is in a good home.  This breaks my heart.  Please keep the faith!


This particular county where Paxton and his mother lives is huge but sparsely populated. There are several big farms and a big vineyard, then some quaint, tiny villages spaced far apart along the highway, then you pass through some small cities and little towns on your way up into the mountains toward beautiful Lake Almanor. (Head north from there and you'll see Mount Shasta.)

So anyway, Almanor County Department of Child Protective Services covers a lot of miles, and you've got honest farmers at the west end (out of Sacramento), and peacefully retired folks and a popular mountain resort at the east end. In between are meth lab operators, illegal pot growers, and people who hate the police and nosey people for various reasons. Those in-betweeners are rough, under-educated folks, and Paxton's mother is very well-suited for that area. And imo, so are most of the people who work at CPS!


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## Murrmurr (May 22, 2022)

Sent by Li'l K's grandma, Anne. Proves there are happy endings.

Anne's already talking about adoption, but K's mom will be given adequate opportunity to change her life, within the limits of the law.

Li'l K looks BIG! If you didn't know that Anne is very petite, you'd wonder what the heck she's feeding that baby girl!


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## palides2021 (May 22, 2022)

First of all "Happy (belated) Anniversary," @Murrmurr! Glad that things worked out for you in that area in your life! You are fortunate in so many ways, and to be able to give babies and children a loving home as foster parent is such a privilege and honor! Keep up the good work! Every little bit you do for these children helps them tremendously.


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## Murrmurr (May 25, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Just a quick description from the NHS website Frank...
> 
> Buprenorphine is a strong opioid painkiller. It's used to treat severe pain, for example during or after an operation or a serious injury, or pain from cancer. It's also used for other types of pain you've had for a long time, when weaker painkillers have stopped working.


Hey I just realized yesterday the new pain medication is Duloxetine, not Buprenorphine. My bad.

They're delayed release but long-acting. Relief is supposed to not wane at all for a full 8hrs, which means maybe 6hrs in the real world. I took one 30mg capsule 3X/day for one month but they weren't working very well at all, so the doc told me yesterday to take the 3 all at once; 90mg every afternoon, which is when I need them most, and I can take 20mg Norco in the morning, and 10mg at night, plus 600mg Ibuprofen.

So, today I started the new dosages. Supposed to take a few days or so to sort of build up in my system (more specifically, my brain receptors, probly).

Could be another name for Buprenorphine, idk.


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## hollydolly (May 25, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Hey I just realized yesterday the new pain medication is Duloxetine, not Buprenorphine. My bad.
> 
> They're delayed release but long-acting. Relief is supposed to not wane at all for a full 8hrs, which means maybe 6hrs in the real world. I took one 30mg capsule 3X/day for one month but they weren't working very well at all, so the doc told me yesterday to take the 3 all at once; 90mg every afternoon, which is when I need them most, and I can take 20mg Norco in the morning, and 10mg at night, plus 600mg Ibuprofen.
> 
> ...


have a look Frank.... https://www.nhs.uk/medicines/duloxetine/about-duloxetine/


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## Murrmurr (May 25, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> have a look Frank.... https://www.nhs.uk/medicines/duloxetine/about-duloxetine/


Crap. No wonder I've been so sleepy all day and then wide awake all-freaking-night. ugh

Man, what a drag. I'll give it one more month, though. I'll just have to keep a 30-day supply of 5Hr Energy shots on hand.

Thank you, Holly. I appreciate it.


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## Pepper (May 25, 2022)

I don't like delayed release.


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## Murrmurr (May 25, 2022)

Pepper said:


> I don't like delayed release.


Yeah, so far they may as well be a placebo.

This has gotten so frustrating. Pain is exactly that plus really boring. When I do something like wash dishes, wash clothes, cook, or especially vacuum and mop, I have to stop every 10 minutes and sit for 15 or 20, and then get back to it for another 10 minutes. So Michelle tells me don't bother, she'll do it, but then what do _I_ do? Sit all day except when I walk to the mailbox and back? I hardly ever bitch n moan, but I really hate this. I'm trying to accept that this is just where I'm at now, but my mind goes to a dark place sometimes and that sux.

I can accept it at some point if I just keep working at it. I have no choice, really. Not right now anyway, with a fairly young wife who has goals and a 4yr-old who could possibly knock on my door sometime in the coming months. I suspect his grandma will bring him over after Tara gets custody, if Tara allows it.

I'm just in a big fat long funk. Pretty sure it'll pass. Jeeze, this new med causes mood swings, too. Freaking-yay.

Some good news, though. I gained a few pounds. I now weigh a whopping 149.5 lbs. _fwee!_  ()

my normal is 185-190


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## dobielvr (May 26, 2022)

Pain is so depressing.
I always tell myself 'tmrw will be better' and try to believe it...


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## Murrmurr (May 26, 2022)

dobielvr said:


> Pain is so depressing.
> I always tell myself 'tmrw will be better' and try to believe it...


Because there's no way my spine will improve over time, I know the pain won't get better, so I tell myself to appreciate the amazing surgeons who made it possible for me to walk and even run. Tomorrow won't get better, but today I'm a million times better than I would be if not for them and my wonderful PCP.


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## dobielvr (May 26, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Because there's no way my spine will improve over time, I know the pain won't get better, so I tell myself to appreciate the amazing surgeons who made it possible for me to walk and even run. Tomorrow won't get better, but today I'm a million times better than I would be if not for them and my wonderful PCP.


Years ago, I mean like 40 yrs ...when I was experiencing horrible pain from my ankylosing spondylitis, I started to notice that my back and neck were starting to fuse all on their own.  When this happened, a lot of my pain in those areas subsided.  I still have some movement in my neck...thank goodness.

Have you had any fusing happen?  I bet a lot of your pain would hopefully end.

I'm glad you're in such good hands w/your medical providers.


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## Murrmurr (May 26, 2022)

dobielvr said:


> Years ago, I mean like 40 yrs ...when I was experiencing horrible pain from my ankylosing spondylitis, I started to notice that my back and neck were starting to fuse all on their own.  When this happened, a lot of my pain in those areas subsided.  I still have some movement in my neck...thank goodness.
> 
> *Have you had any fusing happen?*  I bet a lot of your pain would hopefully end.
> 
> I'm glad you're in such good hands w/your medical providers.


I don't know, but I don't think so. 

My back specialist orders an MRI every year or two, to keep track of progress and problems, and I look at them with him. I don't recall him ever saying anything fused or that he fused anything. 

So yeah, I don't think so.


----------



## Murrmurr (May 27, 2022)

I text Jackie this morning (Paxton's grandmother). I just asked how she's doing, but of course, I was curious about Paxton. Jackie said Tara (her daughter), got custody of Paxton and the twins yesterday morning and they've already visited her (Jackie) twice. She said Paxton seems much happier and more well adjusted than he was a few months ago, when he started therapy. That was good to hear. But I'm sure he was super happy to see his grandma _at her house_, and to be in his room there, and play with his own toys.

She was at work but she has "a lot to tell me" so she said she's gonna call me this weekend. I hope she brings the kids over sometime. Depends on if Tara lets her.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

So, I should talk about what happened that made Michelle dial 911 the other night.

Now and then, maybe 5 or 6 times a year, one or both my legs will go completely numb. Like, I'll get out of bed and put my feet on the floor ok, but when I go to stand up, I just drop straight to the floor. Sometimes it happens while I'm awake sitting in a chair, but then I can feel it coming. Starts with a burning sensation in the lowest part of my back, the heat travels down my leg, and then it goes numb. And sometimes it's both legs. 

Usually only lasts 15-20 minutes, and then they're back in business. It's a neurological issue from an old spinal injury, and it's been going on for about 2 years now.

So I was on my way to wash up while Michelle was dishing up some dinner for us, and without any warning whatsoever, my left leg and foot sort of went totally straight and stiff, and it like catapulted me several inches up off the floor and off to the right, and I slammed into the hall cabinets and then hit the floor. It was the weirdest freaking thing. For a second I had no idea what happened, but then my leg started jerking but it was still perfectly straight and stiff, like even my foot and my toes were pointing straight out, like a ballerina on serious point. But at the same time, the whole leg was spazzing out, jerking my body around. Looked like a seizure.

Then, both my legs and feet got a super severe burning sensation, and I mean like fire. It was horrible. I was so convinced my legs were on fire, I started slapping them. Like trying to put the flames out, and yelling the whole time.

Michelle totally freaked out, and started screaming "What's happening! Frank! My God, what is _happening!_"

That's when I realized I couldn't feel myself slapping my legs. They'd gone numb....paralytic numb. I couldn't feel them and I couldn't move them, but I could still feel that fire, clear to the bone, too. Excruciating pain, man. I never want to feel that again.

At the ER they shot me full of morphine, and the fire subsided a bit, and then a whole lot more. My left leg relaxed, my foot got back to normal, and I was all "Ahhh. Oh, man. Oh baby, this is awesome...this is like way better."   (no sh1t, Sherlock)

So anyway, the next day my legs were pretty ok. Sore - probably from the muscles totally seizing up - but ok enough to walk around. But my back was hurting real bad, so I got a little more morphine. Nice. Then they did a CT scan or MRI, I don't remember which. They found a non-malignant tumor IN my spinal column, right up in there against the spinal cord....you know, your nerve center, pretty much. The tumor's kind of small; about 3 centimeters long x 1 centimeter thick, they said. (I just checked; 3cm = a smidge over an inch) So it's kind of like a little worm nestled in there....where it does not belong!

My spine specialist and my new neurologist need a closer look to see if it's operable, so I have to go for more imaging next week. If it isn't operable, they'll keep checking it to see how fast it's growing. Really, if it's growing at all, I would think it _has_ to come out. It could be risky, is all. But it's not right to walk around with a worm in your spine. 

Meanwhile they'll inject it with a cocktail of stuff that includes corticosteroid, I think, and....I don't remember what else they said is in it, but it's supposed to make the thing shrink.

I tell you true, I wanted to bring some of that morphine home. That stuff is fantastic!


----------



## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

Oh, and cool news from Paxton's grandma. 

I'm leaving this here to remind me, because I need to get to bed.


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## hollydolly (Jun 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> So, I should talk about what happened that made Michelle dial 911 the other night.
> 
> Now and then, maybe 5 or 6 times a year, one or both my legs will go completely numb. Like, I'll get out of bed and put my feet on the floor ok, but when I go to stand up, I just drop straight to the floor. Sometimes it happens while I'm awake sitting in a chair, but then I can feel it coming. Starts with a burning sensation in the lowest part of my back, the heat travels down my leg, and then it goes numb. And sometimes it's both legs.
> 
> ...


What an an experience I hope you never have to experience that pain  again...

I know that standing up and falling down immediately scenario.. caused by your back. I have the same thing.. once or twice a year.. but my back doesn't go numb, it's excruciating pain, and my back is incapable of holding my body up, and as soon as I go to stand up I fall to the floor..

Morphine doesn't work on me..I must be the only person in the world it not only doesn't ease the pain.. but it doesn't give me any high that people report.. I remember the look on one ER nurse's face as she pumped ever more morphine into me over a period of half an hour  and it made not a jot of difference


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> What an an experience I hope you never have to experience that pain  again...
> 
> I know that standing up and falling down immediately scenario.. caused by your back. I have the same thing.. once or twice a year.. but my back doesn't go numb, it's excruciating pain, and my back is incapable of holding my body up, and as soon as I go to stand up I fall to the floor..
> 
> Morphine doesn't work on me..I must be the only person in the world it not only doesn't ease the pain.. but it doesn't give me any high that people report.. I remember the look on one ER nurse's face as she pumped ever more morphine into me over a period of half an hour  and it made not a jot of difference


My back doesn't go numb, either. Just my leg(s) and kind of up into my hips a bit.

I've read that morphine doesn't work for a rare few. I'm the opposite, I think. A total lightweight. Even the generic Cymbalta I started taking recently made me feel drunk as hell. I mean, it was kind of fun at first, but it was like being drunk 24/7, and those days were over before I was even legal age.

My doctor had increased the Duloxetine/Cymbalta but I had to back it way off within a few days. You're supposed to ride that wave for a few weeks until your brain adjusts to the chemicals, but, nah, no thank you. I kind of like my brain chemistry the way it is.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Oh, and cool news from Paxton's grandma.
> 
> I'm leaving this here to remind me, because I need to get to bed.


I got a text from Paxton's grandmother yesterday. She wants to come visit on Sunday. Paxton made a something for me and Michelle. She said he asks about me a lot, and he asked for a picture of me.  So I text her a few pictures of me and him together.

Now, this is crazy.......Paxton and the twins are living with their mom *in a freaking shelter*. CPS and family court gave her custody even though she's still homeless. Instead of getting them into emergency housing, they put them in a shelter. W...T...F...?????

That's why they go to their grandma's every day. And I know it's about money. The nearest emergency housing is in Sacramento County, so Amador County would have to transfer the case, and Sac would get the $federal. 

Sickos. CPS is flush with sickos.


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## hollydolly (Jun 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I got a text from Paxton's grandmother yesterday. She wants to come visit on Sunday. Paxton made a something for me and Michelle. She said he asks about me a lot, and he asked for a picture of me.  So I text her a few pictures of me and him together.
> 
> Now, this is crazy.......Paxton and the twins are living with their mom *in a freaking shelter*. CPS and family court gave her custody even though she's still homeless. Instead of getting them into emergency housing, they put them in a shelter. W...T...F...?????
> 
> ...


Just beyond Belief. I'm sorry for Paxton , and I'm sorry for the pain this is causing you Frank. It seems like it's an ongoing battle...


----------



## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

Anybody else feel like lighting one up?


----------



## hollydolly (Jun 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Anybody else feel like lighting one up?


No..only you... I think you need it...


----------



## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Just beyond Belief. I'm sorry for Paxton , and I'm sorry for the pain this is causing you Frank. It seems like it's an ongoing battle...


Paxton and millions of little people like him. _Millions_.

Why do we wonder what's wrong these days? No wonder youth have gotten so violent.


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## Kaila (Jun 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> So, I should talk about what happened that made Michelle dial 911 the other night.
> 
> Now and then, maybe 5 or 6 times a year, one or both my legs will go completely numb. Like, I'll get out of bed and put my feet on the floor ok, but when I go to stand up, I just drop straight to the floor. Sometimes it happens while I'm awake sitting in a chair, but then I can feel it coming. Starts with a burning sensation in the lowest part of my back, the heat travels down my leg, and then it goes numb. And sometimes it's both legs.
> 
> ...


Gosh that's an awful experience you had.  And terrible for Michelle, as well.  Thank you for sharing with us, more about what happened though.


----------



## hollydolly (Jun 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Paxton and millions of little people like him. _Millions_.
> 
> Why do we wonder what's wrong these days? No wonder youth have gotten so violent.


Remember, I grew up 1/2 of my childhood in the care system myself..


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I know that standing up and falling down immediately scenario.. caused by your back. I have the same thing.. once or twice a year.. but my back doesn't go numb, it's excruciating pain, and my back is incapable of holding my body up, and as soon as I go to stand up I fall to the floor..


Holly, has anyone taken a close look at that? Could be a misaligned disk or vertebrae.


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## hollydolly (Jun 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Holly, has anyone taken a close look at that? Could be a misaligned disk or vertebrae.


Not for about 15 years now tbh .. since then  I was just given cortisone shots... and after the third one over about 3 or 4 years  they said I couldn't have any more


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Remember, I grew up 1/2 of my childhood in the care system myself..


Oh yeah, I forgot. 

imo, the effects are long-lasting. Could cause life-long issues unless the kid meets the right people or person.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Not for about 15 years now tbh .. since then  I was just given cortisone shots... and after the third one over about 3 or 4 years  they said I couldn't have any more


I think the cause is correctable. I'm sure it is, but it's so minuscule no one has gotten a really clear picture of what's happening, and maybe they don't actually know what they're looking for - like they don't recognize it even when the do see it.

They'll find it eventually.


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## hollydolly (Jun 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I think the cause is correctable. I'm sure it is, but it's so minuscule no one has gotten a really clear picture of what's happening, and maybe they don't actually know what they're looking for - like they don't recognize it even when the do see it.
> 
> They'll find it eventually.


They're not looking any more... they just tell me to go to a chiropractor...


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Not for about 15 years now tbh .. since then  I was just given cortisone shots... and *after the third one* .. *they said I couldn't have any more*


Because it destroys bone. That's part of my problem now; back when I was injured, they unknowingly used too much. Fortunately, it's only effecting my spine. The rest of my bones are very healthy.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> They're not looking any more... they just tell me to go to a chiropractor...


Oh, I mean researchers. They'll find it, I'm confident about that. Not soon enough, tho.

A really good chiropractor can help. I loved the guy I went to back in the 90s. He was Chinese and a genius.


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## hollydolly (Jun 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Oh, I mean researchers. They'll find it, I'm confident about that. Not soon enough, tho.
> 
> A really good chiropractor can help. I loved the guy I went to back in the 90s. He was Chinese and a genius.


if only I could find a really good one..I've gone to all different ones , spent fortunes out of pocket... they just don't seem to exist


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## dobielvr (Jun 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Anybody else feel like lighting one up?


Depends on what it is?


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

dobielvr said:


> Depends on what it is?


I aim to please.


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## Teacher Terry (Jun 4, 2022)

Frank, I have read some of this thread and everything you talk about in regard to being a foster parent is true. 4 years after obtaining a master’s degree in social work I went back for a second master’s because I couldn’t bear to work with abused children in the system any longer. Good foster parents are also few and far between. Many do it for the money.

One of the social workers that I shared a case with was murdered in her house because she was severing the parent’s rights. This was in a town of 100k people and was 31 years ago. It took 20 years to solve the murder. I knew in my heart it was one of my clients.  My heart ached for all the kids and I just couldn’t be part of the system any longer.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

Teacher Terry said:


> Frank, I have read some of this thread and everything you talk about in regard to being a foster parent is true. 4 years after obtaining a master’s degree in social work I went back for a second master’s because I couldn’t bear to work with abused children in the system any longer. Good foster parents are also few and far between. Many do it for the money.
> 
> One of the social workers that I shared a case with was murdered in her house because she was severing the parent’s rights. This was in a town of 100k people and was 31 years ago. It took 20 years to solve the murder. I knew in my heart it was one of my clients.  My heart ached for all the kids and I just couldn’t be part of the system any longer.


I'm torn about renewing my license this year. On the one hand, I can give a kid security and the boost of confidence that feeling loved will give him/her. On the other, CPS and family court will very likely rip that all away. And I'm not sure what that does, make them not trust love? Make them angry and hateful? Or will it help them cope? Probly depends on the child, idk.


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## Pepper (Jun 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Anybody else feel like lighting one up?


Always.  Doesn't mean I can, but always.


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## Pepper (Jun 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Paxton and millions of little people like him. _Millions_.
> 
> Why do we wonder what's wrong these days? No wonder youth have gotten so violent.


Without abortions it will get worse and worse and worse.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Without abortions it will get worse and worse and worse.


Abortions aren't going away, I'm sure of that. Might take time to iron things out for equity's sake, but I really don't think that will take to long. June '22 is congressional election time.


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## Pinky (Jun 4, 2022)

I don't know that living in a shelter, albeit, with their mother .. could be healthy or best for the welfare of Paxton and his siblings. This just does not sound right.

I'm glad you'll be able to see Paxton. Thank goodness for his Grandma - bless her heart.


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## hollydolly (Jun 4, 2022)

Pinky said:


> I don't know that living in a shelter, albeit, with their mother .. could be healthy or best for the welfare of Paxton and his siblings. This just does not sound right.
> 
> I'm glad you'll be able to see Paxton. Thank goodness for his Grandma - bless her heart.


yes i agree, the grandma sound like the only one with her head screwed on the right way and is fully invested in Paxtons' welfare


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

Pinky said:


> I don't know that living in a shelter, albeit, with their mother .. could be healthy or best for the welfare of Paxton and his siblings. This just does not sound right.
> 
> I'm glad you'll be able to see Paxton. Thank goodness for his Grandma - bless her heart.


It's terrible. There's nothing pleasant about life in a shelter.

Paxton's mom won't let me visit him, or him me. At least not at this time. Maybe some years from now.


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## Pepper (Jun 4, 2022)

What happened to Paxton & the twins' father?


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

Pepper said:


> What happened to Paxton & the twins' father?


He's living with his brother and another guy. But when Jackie has the kids, he spends the day at her house, which is great for the kids.


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## Pepper (Jun 4, 2022)

Why are they not living together in this shelter?  Is it just for women & children?


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## Murrmurr (Jun 4, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Why are they not living together in this shelter?  Is it just for women & children?


I'm sure it's women & children only. Plus, the court is still refusing to remove the no-contact order they gave Tara about a year ago so she's just gonna let it expire. Should run out soon.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 5, 2022)

Happy 4th Birthday, Paxton!.

Unka Fwank sure misses you.
Be strong little buddy.


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## Pinky (Jun 5, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Happy 4th Birthday, Paxton!.
> 
> Unka Fwank sure misses you.
> Be strong little buddy.


Happy Birthday to Paxton


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## Pepper (Jun 5, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Happy 4th Birthday, Paxton!.
> 
> Unka Fwank sure misses you.
> Be strong little buddy.


My grandson turned 4 last week!


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## Murrmurr (Jun 5, 2022)

Pepper said:


> My grandson turned 4 last week!


Such a great age, especially for little boys. They get all adventurous and chatty. (whereas li'l girls get bossy and chatty  )


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## Murrmurr (Jun 11, 2022)

Oi vey. Got a call from my oldest son, Grant. He'd gotten a call from my granddaughter, Ali, about my other granddaughter, Mandy, both daughters of my youngest son, Liam. Apparently, Mandy called Ali because her co-habitant boyfriend of four years accused her of sleeping with his best friend and slugged her in the face. Well, Ali lives 600 miles away, but Grant lives within a few blocks of Mandy and her asshole boyfriend, so Ali called Grant and Grant called me to get Mandy and the SOB's address. I don't know the address, but I know the house, and it's only 5 or 6 minutes away from my place, so I told Grant _I'd_ go over there. While I'm on my way, Ali gives Grant the address. So I got there a few minutes after Grant. He's already inside. He checked Mandy's face and told her to get whatever she needs for work tomorrow, and worry about her furniture and clothes and what-the-fork-ever later, and that's when I walk in.

The freaking second I walked in, the asshole starts yelling at me about Mandy and the best friend, and I yelled "Shut the frig up! That's _not_ my problem and I'm not gonna hear it! Just sitcherass down and shut the frig up!" Meanwhile Mandy loses it and yells at the SOBBF "Don't you _dare_ raise your voice to my grandfather!" and Grant redirects her..."Ok, let's go find your work shoes." 

Then the a-hole is all, "Sir, I'm really sorry. I respect you highly, I just....." and I said "I know you hit freaking her. You Freaking Hit Her! And I am _this_ close, fugger. So sit down and Don't..._Talk!_" And Grant said, "Dude, you really need to do that.
Seriously."

So, Mandy came home with me. She'll need a ride to work tomorrow, because she and the SOBBF only have one car, and he works too. He messaged her on Facebook that he was suicidal. Rookie move. Mandy and I had some yerba mate' and did some deep breathing exercises, and talked. She's asleep now. I told her to stay as long as she needs to, but she might go stay at her mom and dad's. I'm closer to where she works, but they have a spare room.

She'll figure it out. But what a night.

Oh, she brought her cat, Moo-Cow, and fortunately, our cat and hers are getting along just fine.


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## Blessed (Jun 11, 2022)

The first thing you should have done when you arrived, call 911 with the address for reporting an assault. The guy should be in jail.  No man should raise his hand to a women at any time.

If she has bruising, you should take her to the emergency room in the morning to have her checked and the event recorded. If she wants, help her file charges.  At the least she should have this on record in case anything happens in the future.  

Oh, he's suicidal, poor baby, call him and see if he needs anything to accomplish the act you will be happy to bring it by.  

This just boils my blood.  My good Lord, I taught my son you never do that under any circumstance.  When he was a teenager, I told him he must always ask for permission for even a kiss, much less anything else.


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## terry123 (Jun 11, 2022)

Blessed said:


> The first thing you should have done when you arrived, call 911 with the address for reporting an assault. The guy should be in jail.  No man should raise his hand to a women at any time.
> 
> If she has bruising, you should take her to the emergency room in the morning to have her checked and the event recorded. If she wants, help her file charges.  At the least she should have this on record in case anything happens in the future.
> 
> ...


It should be reported and she should be checked out.  Murr, I had a terrible fall several days ago and after being checked out at the Hospital I am still finding bruises and aches that are normal.  So please have her checked out at the ER and report him for assault.  If you don't he will know he can get away with it and do it again.  This is all you need with your other troubles.  So sorry you are having to deal with this.


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## dobielvr (Jun 11, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Oi vey. Got a call from my oldest son, Grant. He'd gotten a call from my granddaughter, Ali, about my other granddaughter, Mandy, both daughters of my youngest son, Liam. Apparently, Mandy called Ali because her co-habitant boyfriend of four years accused her of sleeping with his best friend and slugged her in the face. Well, Ali lives 600 miles away, but Grant lives within a few blocks of Mandy and her asshole boyfriend, so Ali called Grant and Grant called me to get Mandy and the SOB's address. I don't know the address, but I know the house, and it's only 5 or 6 minutes away from my place, so I told Grant _I'd_ go over there. While I'm on my way, Ali gives Grant the address. So I got there a few minutes after Grant. He's already inside. He checked Mandy's face and told her to get whatever she needs for work tomorrow, and worry about her furniture and clothes and what-the-fork-ever later, and that's when I walk in.
> 
> The freaking second I walked in, the asshole starts yelling at me about Mandy and the best friend, and I yelled "Shut the frig up! That's _not_ my problem and I'm not gonna hear it! Just sitcherass down and shut the frig up!" Meanwhile Mandy loses it and yells at the SOBBF "Don't you _dare_ raise your voice to my grandfather!" and Grant redirects her..."Ok, let's go find your work shoes."
> 
> ...


Never a dull moment, huh?


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## Kaila (Jun 11, 2022)

That's awful, Frank. 
Thank goodness she has you, and that you and she have others to turn to, for back-ups as well.  Grant sounds great, of course.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 11, 2022)

Blessed said:


> The first thing you should have done when you arrived, call 911 with the address for reporting an assault. The guy should be in jail.  No man should raise his hand to a women at any time.
> 
> If she has bruising, you should take her to the emergency room in the morning to have her checked and the event recorded. If she wants, help her file charges.  At the least she should have this on record in case anything happens in the future.
> 
> ...


The issue there is that she's 24. The sheriffs office said they'll file my call under "incident" but they won't do anything unless she files a complaint.


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## Blessed (Jun 11, 2022)

@Murrmurr, I know she is a grown woman but the police should have been there when you and your son went to get her.  You never know what a violent person would do when confronted.  There would have been concrete proof of the assualt that could be used to obtain a restraining order.  It is up to her, if she chooses to press charges.  I know if she is of legal age, that is only a decision she can make or depending on the severity, in some cases, in some states, the police can decide to arrest and press charges.

I hope she never has to see this person again.  I just want her (and you) to be safe it this guy goes off the deep end.  It has been proven that the most dangerous time for a women who leaves an abuser, is the first few weeks.


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## JaniceM (Jun 11, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> The issue there is that she's 24. The sheriffs office said they'll file my call under "incident" but they won't do anything unless she files a complaint.


Please urge her to do it.
and to not let him "hoover" her back to him.


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## hollydolly (Jun 11, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> The issue there is that she's 24. The sheriffs office said they'll file my call under "incident" but they won't do anything unless she files a complaint.


Bet she goes back...


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## Murrmurr (Jun 11, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Bet she goes back...


Yep.


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## hollydolly (Jun 11, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Yep.


well hopefully if she does... then this clown will know not to mess with her again.. given he now knows he'll have her grandfather, and uncle to contend with... and _hopefully_ he'll have learned his lesson and treat her with the respect she deserves . She's got to understand tho' if she returns and he does it again.. he will NEVER change


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## JaniceM (Jun 11, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Yep.


Butt in.. you might end up saving her life


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## Murrmurr (Jun 11, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> Please urge her to do it.
> and to not let him "hoover" her back to him.


She didn't listen.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 11, 2022)

Blessed said:


> @Murrmurr, I know she is a grown woman but the police should have been there when you and your son went to get her.  You never know what a violent person would do when confronted.  There would have been concrete proof of the assualt that could be used to obtain a restraining order.  It is up to her, if she chooses to press charges.  I know if she is of legal age, that is only a decision she can make or depending on the severity, in some cases, in some states, the police can decide to arrest and press charges.
> 
> I hope she never has to see this person again.  I just want her (and you) to be safe it this guy goes off the deep end.  It has been proven that the most dangerous time for a women who leaves an abuser, is the first few weeks.





JaniceM said:


> Butt in.. you might end up saving her life





hollydolly said:


> well hopefully if she does... then this clown will know not to mess with her again.. given he now knows he'll have her grandfather, and uncle to contend with... and _hopefully_ he'll have learned his lesson and treat her with the respect she deserves . She's got to understand tho' if she returns and he does it again.. he will NEVER change


An issue I didn't mention (bc, short on time) - Mandy is an alcoholic and so is the SOBBF. Her father, my son, Liam, gave her a choice; go to rehab and you can live here with mom and I until we get you another job and into a house or apartment ~or~ do what you've been doing and ruin your life and your health. Her sister, Ali, said the same.

Apparently, that's a really tough choice. And Mandy chose wrong. I gave her some parting advice, but she just lowered my expectations by quite a bit. I'm still hopeful but I sure wish she hadn't been born such a stubborn, hard-headed little gal. She always has been.

Mandy...


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## Jules (Jun 11, 2022)

She’s a beautiful, young woman.  It’s sad that she doesn’t see this.


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## Pepper (Jun 11, 2022)

She's real pretty Frank.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 11, 2022)

Pepper said:


> She's real pretty Frank.


Chokes me up, for real.


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## Blessed (Jun 11, 2022)

Well, that kind of presents a whole lot of other concerns for you and her Dad.  Both of you have tried to help her get her life on the right track.  You can't fix it, she is going to have to hit rock bottom and dig her way out of the mess she is making of her life.  As hard as it is, you are just going to have to let her keep falling to her rock bottom.

The whole family needs to come together, and decide the best thing to do is step away if she gets in trouble.  When she calls anyone of you for help (including her sister) just tell her you love her but she has decided how she wants to live her life, there is nothing you can do to help her, she will have to help herself. This includes abuse by the boyfriend, finances and every thing else.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 11, 2022)

Jules said:


> She’s a beautiful, young woman.  It’s sad that she doesn’t see this.


It's killing her dad. And I don't know what to say to him....just "I'm here."


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## Murrmurr (Jun 11, 2022)

Blessed said:


> Well, that kind of presents a whole lot of other concerns for you and her Dad.  Both of you have tried to help her get her life on the right track.  You can't fix it, she is going to have to hit rock bottom and dig her way out of the mess she is making of her life.  As hard as it is, you are just going to have to let her keep falling to her rock bottom.
> 
> The whole family needs to come together, and decide the best thing to do is step away if she gets in trouble.  When she calls anyone of you for help (including her sister) just tell her you love her but she has decided how she wants to live her life, there is nothing you can do to help her, she will have to help herself. This includes abuse by the boyfriend, finances and every thing else.


Yeah, we have some rough roads ahead, I'm sure.

Last month, she almost died in the hospital ER. Alcohol O/D. It was an extremely unpleasant emergency medical detox. I told her rehab isn't like that, it's a treatment program, and a tolerable one. But the detox scared her, I think.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 11, 2022)

Jules said:


> She’s a beautiful, young woman.  It’s sad that she doesn’t see this.


She is. But she won't be for long if she doesn't start thinking and listening, and stops lying to herself and everyone who loves her so dearly. She's a tiny thing, too. Delicate-looking. I used to call her Tweety Bird and Little Bird. And she's so bright, an A student every year, and an avid reader. Such promise.

I'm telling you, man, I can't stand it.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 11, 2022)

Pepper said:


> She's real pretty Frank.


Can you imagine slugging that face? And he's like 6'4" and muscular!

I'd love to rip his face off his skull.


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## Pepper (Jun 11, 2022)

I know you feel helpless.  You are.  (((Frank)))


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## Murrmurr (Jun 11, 2022)

Pepper said:


> I know you feel helpless.  You are.  (((Frank)))


Can't force her to listen, can't make her break-up with the BF, can't tie her up. 

No avenues other than the one we're on.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 23, 2022)

For 3 weeks my left lower eyelid has been hurting. Just the lid. It constantly burns, more annoying than painful, but if you touch it even lightly, the burning gets real, real bad, and it stings too, but then it's ok after a few seconds, or like 5 seconds at most, and it's back to the annoying burning. Thing is, there was never any redness or a bump or any swelling at all. Just looked normal.

I _finally_ got to see a specialist today. He put a couple drops of dye in my left eyeball, and then pulled this microscope up to my face and took, obviously, a real close look. He's pretty sure he saw bacteria in the tear duct, which indicates it's probably all down in the lacrimal canaliculi, a sort of canal that drains tears from your eyes to the nasolacrimal duct, and then into your nasal cavity. That's why your nose runs when you cry. 

Had to laugh when he said canaliculi because it sounds like either an Italian dish, or even moreso, Italian cursing.....'eh, kissa my cana-le-cooli!

Anyway, he Rx'ed an oral antibiotic/antibacterial and I'm supposed to hold heat on my eye 4 to 6 times a day for about 10 minutes. Should clear up in a week. No idea where this bacteria came from. He said it's probably not from my cat - this bacteria is _everywhere_, it just doesn't usually cause an infection. But older people are susceptible because our eyes are less moist and not as efficient at self-cleaning.


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## terry123 (Jun 24, 2022)

Sorry to hear this, Murr.  Glad you saw  a doctor and have a treatment plan.  Have never heard of this but its good to know.  Does sound like a food dish!!


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## Della (Jun 24, 2022)

Sounds like a question to me (Can I lick your eye?) 

My left eye has been red, itchy and twitchy for a few months now so I called for an appointment and can't get in for a few more months.  It's not painful, though.

Bacteria!  I would have suspected the cat, too, or my dog who licks my face a lot.   She came trotting in with a dead baby rabbit in her mouth yesterday.  I screamed, so she dropped it, but I had to scoop it up for the trash and all the time I was thinking of how much dirt, germs and bugs she probably brings in every day.

I'll try the hot compresses along with you, Murr.

Sorry about your eye, but, when this popped up, I was afraid it was Mandy again, so I'm glad she's okay.  I hope she chooses rehab, if nothing else it might break the hold the jerk has on her.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 24, 2022)

Della said:


> *Sounds like a question to me (Can I lick your eye?)*
> 
> My left eye has been red, itchy and twitchy for a few months now so I called for an appointment and can't get in for a few more months.  It's not painful, though.
> 
> ...




A hot compress Buddy! Awesome!

We'll be dealing with Mandy issues for a while, I'm sure. Grant was so tempted to take the BF down, but he was aware that if he had, or if any of us reported him or asked the county to bring charges against him, it would probably alienate Mandy from her family and make her feel closer and more sympathetic to her BF. So we're taking her parents' tough-love advice - leave her to learn from her mistakes, be there when she asks for help, and keep insisting on rehab.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 28, 2022)

The 2 great-grandkids I've never met. Their dad is the oldest son of my oldest son, and was my first grandson. He's a factory worker in Kansas, divorced from a native of Kansas, and has split custody of their Kansas-born kids whose names sound very Kansas-y, so he ain't gonna be leaving there anytime soon.

Kage and his sister, LaKota





Kage looks just like his dad, minus the full beard and 'stash. She looks just like her mother 'cept purdier.


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## terry123 (Jun 29, 2022)

Love those boots!!


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## Pepper (Jun 29, 2022)

Beautiful children, fun personalities.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 30, 2022)

So I finished the antibiotic prescribed for this eye pain but it didn't get better at all. It got worse. I called the eye doc this morning and he said he wanted to see me this afternoon, which was awesome. 

He suspects something beyond his scope is going on, so he's going to talk to someone he knows who is expert at eyeballs - she's a professor at the medical university - plus he's going to get my PCP "in the loop" to all figure out together who I should be referred to based on what this eye doc suspects is happening.

He didn't say exactly _what_ he suspects is happening, only _where_ he suspects it's happening...somewhere in the inferior orbital cavity just under the eyeball. In order to see that area, we need to do imaging.

Meanwhile, my left eye still burns and aches relentlessly, and whatever it is could be causing the vertigo that started about a week ago, as well as this small, round light I see in the lower part of my left eye whenever I close both my eyes, like, to go to sleep. That started happening a few nights ago. 

Now that I know for sure that my heart and lungs are all good, I want to call my spine doctor to schedule another surgery, but now I'm going to wait until this eye thing is all dealt with. >tsk<


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## Jules (Jun 30, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Now that I know for sure that my heart and lungs are all good, I want to call my spine doctor to schedule another surgery, but now I'm going to wait until this eye thing is all dealt with. >tsk<


Damn this aging thing.  If it isn’t one thing …..


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## Murrmurr (Jun 30, 2022)

Jules said:


> Damn this aging thing.  If it isn’t one thing …..


...it's 5 or 6.


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## dseag2 (Jun 30, 2022)

Wishing you the best possible outcome, Frank.  Please keep us posted.


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## terry123 (Jul 1, 2022)

dseag2 said:


> Wishing you the best possible outcome, Frank.  Please keep us posted.


Yes, please keep us informed!  Prayers for a good recovery!


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2022)

Ok, so I found out what the eye doctor thinks might be happening, and it doesn't sound good.

In the After Visit report, he wrote

Follow-Up:
1. Refer urgent to ENT for left maxillary sinus eval, multiple visits requested
2. Refer urgent to neuro-ophthalmology for retrobulbar optic neuritis OS eval
3. Follow-up return for Refer urgent to neuro-ophthalmology to r/o retrobulbar optic neuritis OS eval
4. Follow-up return for Refer urgent to ENT for left maxillary sinus eval

So, jeeze, how many times we gotta say "urgent"?

Retrobulbar neuritis is associated with various _brain lesions_. That's a big Yikes. And the doc wants the left maxillary sinus evaluated because he suspects maybe there's a tumor or lesion in there somewhere. Already this morning (at like 7-freaking-a.m.!!) I got calls from the ophthalmology and ENT depts. So, they take the word "urgent" seriously... 'specially when you write it 4 times.

Interestingly, retrobulbar neuritis (RBN) is usually the first sign of Multiple Sclerosis. Patients with RBN generally have a family history of MS, and 65 to 80% of patients diagnosed with RBN develop MS. No one in my family has MS, but I don't know if any extended family does, or if anyone way back did...like before 3 grandparents ago. 

But the RBN thing is interesting because of the occasional temporary paralysis I get in my legs and my sometimes jerky hands. So I need to read up on MS to see how long the onset symptoms can last before the really serious, full-blown symptoms happen. I know it can progress slowly, but my legs have been doing this for like 4 or 5 whole years, so I doubt it's MS; I'm sure my old spinal injuries are the direct cause. 

Aaanyway, I don't like the sound of the after visit report. Sounds kind of scary, so I'm not gonna say anything to Michelle about it. Not until I actually know for sure what's going on. And I should know before the end of the month.


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## Jules (Jul 1, 2022)

Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts, Frank.

JMO, if I were Michelle, I’d be more upset if I didn’t know what is happening with you.


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## hollydolly (Jul 1, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Ok, so I found out what the eye doctor thinks might be happening, and it doesn't sound good.
> 
> In the After Visit report, he wrote
> 
> ...


Not that it's any help to you Frank, but both my m-i-l and my eldest brother have MS


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## Tish (Jul 1, 2022)

Sending you hugs and prayers.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2022)

Jules said:


> Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts, Frank.
> 
> JMO, if I were Michelle, I’d be more upset if I didn’t know what is happening with you.


She will be, but I can't handle it when she cries, and she might cry. She probly will. And I'm kind of a mess when she cries. I mean, if it's over something I can apologize for, or find or fix it, I'm golden, otherwise I'm kind of at a loss.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Not that it's any help to you Frank, but both my m-i-l and my eldest brother have MS


Tell me about it when you have time, if you don't mind. Either here or PM, doesn't matter.

That could be helpful.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2022)

dseag2 said:


> Wishing you the best possible outcome, Frank.  Please keep us posted.


I will, DC. Thanks!


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## RadishRose (Jul 1, 2022)

@Murrmurr , please don't panic. Some doctors are rather alarmist in attempt at caution. Steady on my dear!


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## Patricia (Jul 1, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> So I finished the antibiotic prescribed for this eye pain but it didn't get better at all. It got worse. I called the eye doc this morning and he said he wanted to see me this afternoon, which was awesome.
> 
> He suspects something beyond his scope is going on, so he's going to talk to someone he knows who is expert at eyeballs - she's a professor at the medical university - plus he's going to get my PCP "in the loop" to all figure out together who I should be referred to based on what this eye doc suspects is happening.
> 
> ...


Hopefully you will feel better soon.


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## hollydolly (Jul 1, 2022)

I honestly can't tell you a lot tbh Frank. ..because I simply don't know too much. My M-I-L  was diagnosed very early in her 30's by the time my husband was 15 she was permanently  wheelchair bound... he never questioned her or his father as to how or why it could have happened, just accepting it as a fact ( he's like that in life)... she's since died  from the complications of it, but not until she was in her 60's... but from what I understand she had the same type as my eldest brother  .. which is Primary Progressive MS ( PPMS)

 My brother is someone whose always lived on his last nerve, caused by Trauma in his childhood ( before I was born) and has had a pronounced and severe stammer all of his life.
  At  around his mid 40's, ( he's now in his 70's) he started experiencing blurred vision as well as poor colour vision which meant he had to wear sunglasses at all times ,  deep tiredness,  and bouts of dizziness which meant he had to stop driving for a living..  ..once he was diagnosed , he went through a period of deep depression, and further symptoms, but he;s never used a wheelchair like M-I-L, altho' his various symptoms come and go,  bowel problems. tight torso pain.. he's pretty much stabilised.. and  has bad and good days..


​


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## Pepper (Jul 1, 2022)

*(((Frank)))*


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## Pinky (Jul 1, 2022)

Frank, my nephew's wife has had MS since her late teens. She is now in her mid-40's. I know that, about 5 years ago, she bought a cane .. just in case she needed it. However, I think she rarely uses it. She is still working at the research lab, as far as I know. There is now very good medicine for MS patients.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I honestly can't tell you a lot tbh Frank. ..because I simply don't know too much. My M-I-L  was diagnosed very early in her 30's by the time my husband was 15 she was permanently  wheelchair bound... he never questioned her or his father as to how or why it could have happened, just accepting it as a fact ( he's like that in life)... she's since died  from the complications of it, but not until she was in her 60's... but from what I understand she had the same type as my eldest brother  .. which is Primary Progressive MS ( PPMS)
> 
> My brother is someone whose always lived on his last nerve, caused by Trauma in his childhood ( before I was born) and has had a pronounced and severe stammer all of his life.
> At  around his mid 40's, ( he's now in his 70's) he started experiencing blurred vision as well as poor colour vision which meant he had to wear sunglasses at all times ,  deep tiredness,  and bouts of dizziness which meant he had to stop driving for a living..  ..once he was diagnosed , he went through a period of deep depression, and further symptoms, but he;s never used a wheelchair like M-I-L, altho' his various symptoms come and go,  bowel problems. tight torso pain.. he's pretty much stabilised.. and  has bad and good days..
> ...





Pinky said:


> Frank, my nephew's wife has had MS since her late teens. She is now in her mid-40's. I know that, about 5 years ago, she bought a cane .. just in case she needed it. However, I think she rarely uses it. She is still working at the research lab, as far as I know. There is now very good medicine for MS patients.


That all fits with what I learned about MS a few yrs ago from an online journal by a guy who was diagnosed with it, and from that bio-movie about Steven Hawking. MS does progress slowly. Also, most patients get it at age 30 to 40, and most are men.

Pinky, I did not know it can be treated with medication.


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## Pinky (Jul 1, 2022)

Frank, my nephew's wife has changed her medications several times through the years.
FYI: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/multiple-sclerosis/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20350274


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> @Murrmurr , please don't panic. Some doctors are rather alarmist in attempt at caution. Steady on my dear!


Fortunately, I never really panic. But I have been running some worst-case scenarios through my head.

Worth noting, this doctor is an eye-doctor; an optometrist. So yeah, _he_ was alarmed, and maybe a bit over cautious, but he probly doesn't often hear the kind of symptoms I rambled off at him. I'd wager most people prefer over-caution to complacency. And if it turns out the "real" eye doctors find a problem, I'm gonna be mad at my spine doc, bc I've told him about a lot of these symptoms a number of times. He has tunnel vision; sees your spine, and that's it.

Michelle would panic.


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## Jules (Jul 1, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> and from that bio-movie about Steven Hawking.


If it helps ease your stress, Hawking had ALS.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2022)

Jules said:


> If it helps ease your stress, Hawking had ALS.


Oh yeah, that's right.


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## terry123 (Jul 2, 2022)

This doctor you saw is not a specialist in his field.  They are okay to prescribe glasses, etc but not to treat eye diseases or problems.  You need to see an ophthalmologist asap.  With my brain problems I have been advised to always see the specialist for my eyes and not an optometrist.  MS was one of the diseases  I was thought to have right before I was correctly diagnosed with a brain aneurysm.


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## Blessed (Jul 2, 2022)

I have never had a problem with my eyes that required a specialist.  My husband at one time had a problem, started with the GP, next to the opthamologist, then onto a eye specialist.  After all these doctors he was diagnosed with Ptergium, I think I spelled it right. When he was young he worked in the pool business.  The problem was caused by eye damage caused by the sun. The ptergium were growths on the eye from sun damage. He had to have surgery on both eyes to have them removed.  That took care of the problem.  Much later we had to deal with the skin cancer that took his life.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 2, 2022)

terry123 said:


> This doctor you saw is not a specialist in his field.  They are okay to prescribe glasses, etc but not to treat eye diseases or problems.  You need to see an ophthalmologist asap.  With my brain problems I have been advised to always see the specialist for my eyes and not an optometrist.  MS was one of the diseases  I was thought to have right before I was correctly diagnosed with a brain aneurysm.


Yes, the optometrist made 2 referrals, one to an ophthalmology specialist, one to the Eye, Nose, Throat group. Both of them called already, so I have 3 appointments next week incl one with radiology. So I'm sure we'll get to the bottom of what's up with the bottom of my eye pretty quick.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 6, 2022)

Saw the ENT guy yesterday. I got the All Clear. 

In fact, he stuck a little camera up my nostrils and I see could the inside of them on a monitor...and they were _very_ clear, as in nice and clean. I said "Oh wow, look how fastidious I am." I mean, if you can't have a little fun while someone's cramming a camera up your nose, then, what kinda world, right? Then I noticed this tiny internal flap move when I closed my airway, like you would when you go underwater, and I said "Hey! Look what _I_ can do!" 

In the After Visit Summary, the guy made a note: "66yr-old male pt, suffers vertigo and giddiness"

Giddiness? _Giddiness? _Because I was joking around? Using a word like "giddiness" in a 66yr-old patient's medical notes can trigger a social worker in the mental health department. That word's gotta go. I'm gonna tell his office to have it omitted. It's got nothing to do with my ears, nose, and throat anyway.  _sheesh_


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## Tish (Jul 6, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Saw the ENT guy yesterday. I got the All Clear.
> 
> In fact, he stuck a little camera up my nostrils and I see could the inside of them on a monitor...and they were _very_ clear, as in nice and clean. I said "Oh wow, look how fastidious I am." I mean, if you can't have a little fun while someone's cramming a camera up your nose, then, what kinda world, right? Then I noticed this tiny internal flap move when I closed my airway, like you would when you go underwater, and I said "Hey! Look what _I_ can do!"
> 
> ...


So thrilled for you, that's wonderful news.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 6, 2022)

Tish said:


> So thrilled for you, that's wonderful news.


Yep.

Tomorrow I go to the eye-sinus specialist. She'll try to find out what's causing the burning pain in my left eye (which is really bad tonight, and I can't sleep). And then, next week, I'm scheduled for a CT scan of my brain and optic nerve, and an MRI of my orbital-nasal sinus cavity. I hope they find the problem. I'm getting to where I can't handle this incessant eye burn. Feels like there's a tiny hot ember behind my lower eyelid. So, so annoying.


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## Tish (Jul 6, 2022)

Don't forget to update us.


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## Jules (Jul 6, 2022)

One doctor visit down and a few more to go.  At least the first one didn’t find any issues.  

Giddiness - he didn’t like your sense of humour, or maybe he really did.  Strange comment.


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## Kika (Jul 6, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Giddiness? _Giddiness? _


Giddiness can mean dizziness or spinning...sort of like vertigo.
Would that symptom be one of yours?


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## Kaila (Jul 6, 2022)

Kika said:


> Giddiness can mean dizziness or spinning...sort of like vertigo.
> Would that symptom be one of yours?


Yes, as a medical term, it means some of the symptoms you have, Frank,
without specifying what the cause is, which might be from major to minor, and be labeled as _giddiness._


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## Kaila (Jul 6, 2022)

I am glad they are thoroughly and promptly investigating, and looking to rule in or out, various possibilities, that the original doctor couldn't.

Hopefully, that one labeled the referrals as _urgent, because you're in pain, and because it would be a very distant future appointments, if it was labelled otherwise, _rather than that it turns out to be most serious scenario.

At the least though, I hope they will figure it out (soon) and have an effective treatment plan for you.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 6, 2022)

Kika said:


> Giddiness can mean dizziness or spinning...sort of like vertigo.
> Would that symptom be one of yours?


Yes. He probably said "dizziness" and the dictation program didn't quite catch it. I still want it corrected, though. Senior, possible brain lesion, giddy....red flag.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 6, 2022)

Kaila said:


> I am glad they are thoroughly and promptly investigating, and looking to rule in or out, various possibilities, that the original doctor couldn't.
> 
> Hopefully, that one labeled the referrals as _urgent, because you're in pain, and because it would be a very distant future appointments, if it was labelled otherwise, _rather than that it turns out to be most serious scenario.
> 
> At the least though, I hope they will figure it out (soon) and have an effective treatment plan for you.


What's the plan?


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## Jules (Jul 6, 2022)

Interesting when using Look Up here giddiness says dizziness.  I never thought of it being synonymous.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 6, 2022)

Jules said:


> One doctor visit down and a few more to go.  At least the first one didn’t find any issues.
> 
> Giddiness - he didn’t like your sense of humour, or maybe he really did.  Strange comment.


I went to see the eye specialist today. My optic nerve was tested; no lesion. My retinas were examined; perfectly normal. But I'll tell you what, there is _no_ humor in that whole department! 

So far, everything looks fine. Tomorrow I'll have a hearing test (mainly because I had to keep asking everyone in the No-Humor Dept to speak up), and next Friday the brain scans.

The eye specialist said I have very severe dry eye. I stopped on the way home and picked up some ...um... crap, forget what it's called but it's basically fake tears. My left eye still burns a bit but not nearly as bad after a few treatments. She said to do 1 or 2 drops 5 times a day, to gently wash my eyes (not eye_balls_) with no-tears shampoo once a day, and use a warm compress 3 times a day. She asked me about my A/C at home and in my car. I guess they can cause severe dry eye. 

That'd be so cool if that's the whole freaking issue.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 6, 2022)

Jules said:


> Interesting when using Look Up here giddiness says dizziness.  I never thought of it being synonymous.


I've never heard of that, either. In which case, I'll be very polite when I call and tell them to "edit" rather than "omit" the word giddiness.


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## Patricia (Jul 6, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I went to see the eye specialist today. My optic nerve was tested; no lesion. My retinas were examined; perfectly normal. But I'll tell you what, there is _no_ humor in that whole department!
> 
> So far, everything looks fine. Tomorrow I'll have a hearing test (mainly because I had to keep asking everyone in the No-Humor Dept to speak up), and next Friday the brain scans.
> 
> ...


Hopefully you will feel better soon.


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## Jules (Jul 6, 2022)

If you’re on Facebook, there’s a group dedicated to dry eyes.  They’re in worse condition than I am, but I still read their ideas.  

Because of all my other eye problems, I do the things that your specialist recommended today - the baby shampoo, the drops, the compress, etc.  I have a compress that goes in the microwave; it stays hot longer than a hot wash cloth.  Also I take 2200 mcg of Omega 3 from a fish source.  At night I‘m trying an ointment that the doctor likes.  Has anything helped me?  I don’t know but as the doctor said if I quit I might find out that it really was.  

Sometimes I use an eye cup to wash my eye if it feels like there’s something in it. Do you remember these?


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## Murrmurr (Jul 6, 2022)

Jules said:


> If you’re on Facebook, there’s a group dedicated to dry eyes.  They’re in worse condition than I am, but I still read their ideas.
> 
> Because of all my other eye problems, I do the things that your specialist recommended today - the baby shampoo, the drops, the compress, etc.  I have a compress that goes in the microwave; it stays hot longer than a hot wash cloth.  Also I take 2200 mcg of Omega 3 from a fish source.  At night I‘m trying an ointment that the doctor likes.  Has anything helped me?  I don’t know but as the doctor said if I quit I might find out that it really was.
> 
> Sometimes I use an eye cup to wash my eye if it feels like there’s something in it. Do you remember these?


My mom used an eye cup. And I remember her boiling it between uses. I thought, "Man, my mom must be old....she has to use a boiled eye glass."


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## Murrmurr (Jul 6, 2022)

Jules said:


> If you’re on Facebook, there’s a group dedicated to dry eyes.  They’re in worse condition than I am, but I still read their ideas.
> 
> Because of all my other eye problems, I do the things that your specialist recommended today - the baby shampoo, the drops, the compress, etc.  I have a compress that goes in the microwave; it stays hot longer than a hot wash cloth.  Also I take 2200 mcg of Omega 3 from a fish source.  At night I‘m trying an ointment that the doctor likes.  Has anything helped me?  I don’t know but as the doctor said if I quit I might find out that it really was.
> 
> Sometimes I use an eye cup to wash my eye if it feels like there’s something in it. Do you remember these?


Oh....no, I don't have Facebook, but maybe there's an online group or something.


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## Jules (Jul 6, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Oh....no, I don't have Facebook, but maybe there's an online group or something.


If you do decide to join, create a new name.  I never give them factual info.  

Maybe there’s a group on Reddit.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 7, 2022)

I got two reminder emails from the medical center. They're from radiology, but they just use MR, not MRI, so one email says 
MR BRAIN, and the other says MR ORBIT.  

I came *this close* to moving them to the spam folder.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 10, 2022)

Got a text out of the blue from Jackie, Paxton's grandma...

"Paxton misses you. He'll never forget you, Frank. And it's obvious to everyone that the time he had with you was long enough to shape the adult he will become. Paxton is going to be a good man, and I am grateful for that. He will be, too."

I asked her if she thinks I'll ever be allowed (by his mother) to see him again. She said "Be patient. Tara has to get over her jealousy first." Jealous that he loves me, she means.

It was good to hear that first part, but heart-wrenching at the same time.

Jackie also told me that Paxton kicked his family counselor. The counselor asked him what makes him feel angry and what does he do when he's angry, and he said he didn't want to talk about that. Mind you, Tara was sitting right next to him. The counselor repeated the question, and got the same answer. So she pushed him for an answer, and he got up and kicked her in the leg and screamed "_I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!_"

Well now she knows what Paxton does when he gets angry.

Professional, well-trained family counselors _do not_ press a client for answers, doesn't matter if they're 4 or 40. Rephrase it, maybe, but if the client isn't ready, or doesn't feel safe, like in Paxton's case, leave it for another time. Counselors who are stupid, like this one, can actually cause harm. And Paxton's reaction could get him labeled as "troubled" or even "violent". Kids with those labels get totally screwed over by the whole CPS and family court system...the very system that made them angry in the first place.

It should have occurred to this stupid counselor that *maybe* Paxton's mother is the source of his anger (she is). And maybe the way he reacted, with physical violence, is something he _learned_ from his mother (he did), and something he could be subjected to if he answers that question (definitely yes).



I'm going to write another letter to Amador County Director of Social Services/CPS. And maybe the DA's office needs a copy, too.


----------



## JaniceM (Jul 10, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Got a text out of the blue from Jackie, Paxton's grandma...
> 
> "Paxton misses you. He'll never forget you, Frank. And it's obvious to everyone that the time he had with you was long enough to shape the adult he will become. Paxton is going to be a good man, and I am grateful for that. He will be, too."
> 
> ...


From what I've read of your posts on this subject, seems he's a normal child and his behavior is normal under the circumstances..  I hope 'they' don't throw some psych diagnosis on him and start giving him 'meds'...


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## Murrmurr (Jul 10, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> From what I've read of your posts on this subject, seems he's a normal child and his behavior is normal under the circumstances..  I hope 'they' don't throw some psych diagnosis on him and start giving him 'meds'...


That would be tragic, and it's exactly what I'm afraid of. 

Also, if CPS ever takes Pax and his siblings again, he might be sent to a "special" foster home, with other "violent/troubled" kids.

This is one of the ways monsters are manufactured. State-manufactured, tax-payer funded.


----------



## RadishRose (Jul 10, 2022)

OMG.


----------



## JaniceM (Jul 10, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> That would be tragic, and it's exactly what I'm afraid of.
> 
> Also, if CPS ever takes Pax and his siblings again, he might be sent to a "special" foster home, with other "violent/troubled" kids.
> 
> This is one of the ways monsters are manufactured. State-manufactured, tax-payer funded.


It downright sucks that so-called 'experts' really don't understand children at all.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 10, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> From what I've read of your posts on this subject, seems he's a normal child and his behavior is normal under the circumstances..  I hope 'they' don't throw some psych diagnosis on him and start giving him 'meds'...


He WAS a normal, happy child when the court decided I had to give him back to his mother.


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## Jules (Jul 10, 2022)

The hopeful part is that Jackie feels he will be a good man thanks to you.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 10, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> OMG.


Counties save money by hiring poorly trained counselors and stuff. The state gives them something like $40K a year per child, they thrift-shop for services and keep the rest.

And thousands of innocent children per county get their lives ruined.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 10, 2022)

Jules said:


> The hopeful part is that Jackie feels he will be a good man thanks to you.


I hope Jackie doesn't let the system pound the goodness out of him.


----------



## Jules (Jul 10, 2022)

Jackie is a good person who will do everything she can.  She loves Paxton.


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## JaniceM (Jul 10, 2022)

Would the grandma be able to petition for custody?


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## Murrmurr (Jul 10, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> Would the grandma be able to petition for custody?


She tried, and as punishment her daughter (Paxton's mother) threatened to never let her see the kids again. Plus, she told the kids that grandma's a bad person. Jackie withdrew the petition.


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## Pepper (Jul 10, 2022)

Frank:  I'm going to write another letter to Amador County Director of Social Services/CPS. And maybe the DA's office needs a copy, too.

Absolutely.  You two love each other.


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## JustBonee (Jul 10, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> She tried, and as punishment her daughter (Paxton's mother) threatened to never let her see the kids again. Plus, she told the kids that grandma's a bad person. Jackie withdrew the petition.



It's hurts so much to read your posts about Paxton   ...  cannot imagine living with all of that anguish for so long.
Hope your efforts get some attention,  and soon!


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 11, 2022)

Jackie stopped by here yesterday. She promised Paxton a while back she'd check on me, and she was in the area (we live about 30 miles apart).

Before she left, I gave her this stuffed white rabbit that was Paxton's favorite stuffie. I told her not to say anything (or Tara might froth at the mouth), just put it on his bed and maybe he'll notice it. 

I told her the rabbit's name is "Bunny."

She said, OMG! Oh my God, Frank, that's _Bunny?!_ He keeps asking for Bunny! I thought he meant _any_ stuffed rabbit, so I'd give him one, but he kept saying, "No, where's Bunny?" Oh, believe me, Frank, he's going to notice!

And he'll know where Bunny was all this time; safe with Unko Fwank.


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## Pepper (Jul 11, 2022)

Beautiful, Unko Fwank, and so are you


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## Tish (Jul 11, 2022)

Oh my word, it is so sad that Tara holds so much resentment towards anyone the child loves.
She seems to be a very insecure person, I just pray that she doesn't take it out on the poor child.


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## terry123 (Jul 11, 2022)

Tish said:


> So thrilled for you, that's wonderful news.


Great news!


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## Murrmurr (Jul 11, 2022)

Tish said:


> Oh my word, it is so sad that Tara holds so much resentment towards anyone the child loves.
> She seems to be a very insecure person, I just pray that she doesn't take it out on the poor child.


It blows my mind how vindictive and resentful she is. That _is_ insecurity, I agree. She knows she's fallen miserably short of being a good mother but she blames everyone else for problems between Paxton and her. And the tragic thing is, if Tara is done with drugs, this is fixable. Their relationship is salvageable, all they need is a good therapist. They're getting a dime's worth, and she's making matters worse!

First, she has to admit that she's the ONLY reason her relationship with Paxton is a wreck. She made him angry, depressed, confused, and anxious, and now she's making him unhappy. She needs to tell him these were _her_ mistakes, that she regrets them and she's sorry they made him miserable, and then she needs to make a pact with him that the two of them will work together build a good relationship. Including visiting Uncle Frank and Auntie Meesh now and then.

He's exceptionally bright, he'll totally get it. And anyway, _every_ kid wants a better relationship with their mom. He'd totally be on board.


----------



## dobielvr (Jul 11, 2022)

Tish said:


> Oh my word, it is so sad that Tara holds so much resentment towards anyone the child loves.
> She seems to be a very insecure person, I just pray that she doesn't take it out on the poor child.


imo..
It's also sad that she holds so much power.
And, I'll leave it right there.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 11, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Beautiful, Unko Fwank, and so are you


I've been trying to explain how this whole thing feels...how it feels to me personally. I've compared it to losing a child who died and then keeping their room untouched, but it's not that. It's more like your child was kidnapped except you can't do anything about it because it was legal. 

This tiny infant comes into your life and you take care of him; feed him, clothe him, keep him clean, keep him safe, make him feel secure and loved. Then eventually he becomes self-aware, and you start to actually raise him; educate him, exercise him, expose him to people and nature, music and fun, teach him right from wrong, to love, to use judgement, to be confident.

So now you've got this beautiful 3yr-old kid who's happy with life, very happy with himself, and happy to share all that happiness with others, and then suddenly he's taken across 2 counties and plopped into a totally dysfunctional home with dysfunctional people, and it's totally legal. 

Within days after being "reunited" with his mother (tho they'd never lived together), Tara held Paxton down and shaved his head. Copious amounts of drugs and alcohol were stored and used in plain sight, and there was loud, foul-mouthed arguing, loud physical fights, loud music, and loud, bloody video games going on practically 24/7. There was no clear bedtime, Paxton usually slept on a couch, rarely brushed his teeth, and had nothing of his own....and he had no idea why.

That was the home he was moved to, and it was legal...."in the best interest of the child" in fact. Eight months later, he was in a foster home full of strangers.

I know I've said it all before. Bears repeating I guess.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 11, 2022)

dobielvr said:


> imo..
> It's also sad that she holds so much power.
> And, I'll leave it right there.


It's astounding that family courts make these parents practically untouchable once there's "reunification". When they give them custody, they give them the power to decide who can and cannot have contact with the children. If the grandparents are on the list of "cannots", they have to petition the court for "reasonable" visitation, and a minimum of several months will pass before the court schedules a hearing about it. Other family members don't even have the option.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 23, 2022)

Finally got the results of the MRI's, brain and orbital cavity. No lesions, but they did see "white matter hyperintensities" - bright spots on the brain’s white-matter, the connective tissue of the neurons - and in my case these hyperintensities are evidence of old white-matter injury, obviously from the serious fall I took years ago. You also get those spots when the small blood vessels of the brain get clogged or harden, or if your blood pressure is chronically low. So, they're not uncommon or anything, especially in the elderly, and it's nothing to really worry about, but we'll keep an eye on it.

The orbital images were also clear; no growths or infection or anything. So the burning in my eye is just "dry-eye". Well, I say _just_, but I've been looking into it...dry eye can be very serious. Feels fine as long as I use plenty of artificial tear eye-drops and do the warm compresses.

Bottom line - no lesions or growths. 

It ticks me off that I had to call radiology and ask about it, though. Did one of the technicians bring in donuts that day, or what? Turns out *Someone* just didn't get around to reading the images. Even the lady I talked to over there was taken aback by that. She went speechless for a minute. I hope Someone got her arse chewed out about it.


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## dobielvr (Jul 23, 2022)

Wow!  What a relief.  Great news all around. 
Happy for you.


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## Pepper (Jul 23, 2022)

*YAY!*​


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## RadishRose (Jul 23, 2022)

Sounds good to me, Frank! I'm so happy you're ok


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## Tish (Jul 23, 2022)

That's Excellent news.


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## terry123 (Jul 24, 2022)

Good news Murr.


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## Pinky (Jul 24, 2022)

Glad to hear of the results, Frank .. now, to deal with the dry-eye problem. Hopefully, there is something that can be done to not only alleviate, but eradicate it.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

Pinky said:


> Glad to hear of the results, Frank .. now, to deal with the dry-eye problem. Hopefully, there is something that can be done to not only alleviate, but eradicate it.


Yeah, that eye doesn't burn as bad since I got the artificial tears eye-drops, but it burns a little bit All The Time. Sometimes it gives me a slight headache. That's when I lie back in my recliner and do the warm compress thing.


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## Pinky (Jul 30, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Yeah, that eye doesn't burn as bad since I got the artificial tears eye-drops, but it burns a little bit All The Time. Sometimes it gives me a slight headache. That's when I lie back in my recliner and do the warm compress thing.


I wonder if there's something other than drops that would work better. I'm pretty certain there's a gel that may have a more lasting effect.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

I called Paxton's grandma yesterday evening to ask her when she'd have the kids over again because I want to see Paxton.

She said "I want you to see him, too. He asks about you every time he comes over."

She expects to have them for an overnight visit in a week or two, when Tara (Pax's mom) goes out for a night of drinking with her girlfriends. ...yeah, drinking. So anyway, Jackie will let me know when that's going to happen, and I'm going to go over there and hang out with Paxton. 

Jackie said we have to pretend like this wasn't planned; like, I was "just in the neighborhood, didn't know the kids were even there" and lalala whatever. So I'll make up some excuse to keep Jackie out of trouble, but what's Tara gonna do....call a cop? It's not illegal for me to see Paxton, she just doesn't want me to. But I don't care about that. 

I've stayed away from Paxton for Jackie's sake, so that Tara wouldn't stop taking her kids over there to their grandma, but Jackie said Tara's using her a lot as a sitter lately. Tara can't find another sitter, not for free, anyway, and sometimes she goes there just to get money from her mom and then leaves the kids while she goes shopping or whatever, and Jackie's pretty sure that isn't going to stop any time soon.

Anyhow, I'll be going to see Paxton in a week or two. We got a lot to talk about, me and him.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

Pinky said:


> I wonder if there's something other than drops that would work better. I'm pretty certain there's a gel that may have a more lasting effect.


I'll look into that and I'll ask my doctor when I see her next month. The ophthalmologist said don't use eyedrops that contain a preservative, but the ones my PCP prescribed _do_ contain a preservative. I'll ask her if she can Rx one that doesn't....but maybe my insurance isn't approving that kind, idk.

Thanks, Pinky


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## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

Whoa! Just got a text from Jackie asking if it's ok if her and Paxton and the twins spend the night here next weekend!!

Apparently, Tara said it's ok with her as long as Jackie stays with the kids. But she said they're still discussing it, she just wanted to check with me to make sure it's ok, and that we have enough room/beds/food. YES!


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## Jules (Jul 30, 2022)

A sleepover.  That’s great news.

I use Thealoz Duo, preservative free drops.  There‘re are more brands available now.  I think Systane has one now.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 31, 2022)

Jules said:


> A sleepover.  That’s great news.
> 
> I use Thealoz Duo, preservative free drops.  There‘re are more brands available now.  I think Systane has one now.


Systane is what the PCP prescribed, but this one has preservative added. If my insurance doesn't cover the preservative free drops I'll have to buy them OTC. But they're kind of expensive. Cost adds up to about $120/month. I'll ask my PCP to make sure to Rx the preservative free next time, and hope it's covered.

Yeah, even a day visit would be awesome but I'm pumped that Paxton might get to stay overnight. Jackie's having work done on her house, so floors and walls are getting torn up and there's going to be fresh chemicals and paint in the air on the weekend that Tara needs her to babysit, so Jackie used that situation to say "Why don't me and the kids just stay over at Frank and Michelle's for the night" and Tara said ok, but then she said "Let me get back to you." She's probably gonna ask if her friends they can go out on a different night. But I hope not.

In any case, there's no law and nothing on paper that says I can't see Paxton, but the only place I _can_ see him is at Jackie's, and she's been on eggshells with Tara, who uses the kids like weapons. I know it seems like a weird idea, Jackie and the kids staying a night here, but I'm sure Jackie knows what she's doing. She used to stay here almost every weekend when Paxton lived here. (strictly platonic)


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## dobielvr (Jul 31, 2022)

@Murrmurr 
Are you familiar w/GoodRx?
It's online, and you can get your prescriptions for much less $$.  You have to print out their coupon, or you may be able to text it.  (one of my lady friends does it online)

Check it out, I've used it a few times on meds my insurance won't cover.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 6, 2022)

Paxton _will_ be coming over with his g-ma and the twins for an overnight visit, but I don't know when; either this coming weekend or the next. Michelle and I are both stoked. Michelle thinks Jackie is a lot of fun, and she loves having little ones around. Needless to say, I'm totally stoked about seeing Paxton. It's been several months...last time I saw him was the afternoon of Christmas Eve 2021.

Jackie said he's changed a lot. He's kind of a bully. He yells a lot. He's destructive and argumentative. He's like that because he's hurt and angry. I would be too if a bunch of big strangers took my sunshine away; yanked me out of a secure, happy home and dumped me into a state of total confusion. Nobody is teaching him how to cope with all this sh1t, so he's winging it. He's taking lessons from an unstable mother, an equally confused father, and a bunch of other traumatized kids.

I hope I can help Paxton reconnect to what was taken from him, and somehow convince him that all that good stuff and all those good old feelings are still inside him. Also that this will be only the first of many visits. In fact, if anybody changes their mind about this upcoming visit, I'm gonna tell Jackie to text me every time he goes to her house, and I'll see him there. The CPS case closes next month; no one's gonna do anything about me seeing Paxton at this point.


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## terry123 (Aug 7, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Paxton _will_ be coming over with his g-ma and the twins for an overnight visit, but I don't know when; either this coming weekend or the next. Michelle and I are both stoked. Michelle thinks Jackie is a lot of fun, and she loves having little ones around. Needless to say, I'm totally stoked about seeing Paxton. It's been several months...last time I saw him was the afternoon of Christmas Eve 2021.
> 
> Jackie said he's changed a lot. He's kind of a bully. He yells a lot. He's destructive and argumentative. He's like that because he's hurt and angry. I would be too if a bunch of big strangers took my sunshine away; yanked me out of a secure, happy home and dumped me into a state of total confusion. Nobody is teaching him how to cope with all this sh1t, so he's winging it. He's taking lessons from an unstable mother, an equally confused father, and a bunch of other traumatized kids.
> 
> I hope I can help Paxton reconnect to what was taken from him, and somehow convince him that all that good stuff and all those good old feelings are still inside him. Also that this will be only the first of many visits. In fact, if anybody changes their mind about this upcoming visit, I'm gonna tell Jackie to text me every time he goes to her house, and I'll see him there. The CPS case closes next month; no one's gonna do anything about me seeing Paxton at this point.


So glad for you!!!


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## hollydolly (Aug 7, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Paxton _will_ be coming over with his g-ma and the twins for an overnight visit, but I don't know when; either this coming weekend or the next. Michelle and I are both stoked. Michelle thinks Jackie is a lot of fun, and she loves having little ones around. Needless to say, I'm totally stoked about seeing Paxton. It's been several months...last time I saw him was the afternoon of Christmas Eve 2021.
> 
> Jackie said he's changed a lot. He's kind of a bully. He yells a lot. He's destructive and argumentative. He's like that because he's hurt and angry. I would be too if a bunch of big strangers took my sunshine away; yanked me out of a secure, happy home and dumped me into a state of total confusion. Nobody is teaching him how to cope with all this sh1t, so he's winging it. He's taking lessons from an unstable mother, an equally confused father, and a bunch of other traumatized kids.
> 
> I hope I can help Paxton reconnect to what was taken from him, and somehow convince him that all that good stuff and all those good old feelings are still inside him. Also that this will be only the first of many visits. In fact, if anybody changes their mind about this upcoming visit, I'm gonna tell Jackie to text me every time he goes to her house, and I'll see him there. The CPS case closes next month; no one's gonna do anything about me seeing Paxton at this point.


It's not a few months is it?...it's 8 months ..a very long time in that little  toddlers life...


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## Lewkat (Aug 7, 2022)

Jules said:


> If you do decide to join, create a new name.  I never give them factual info.
> 
> Maybe there’s a group on Reddit.


Steer clear of FB, changes via there new Meta program spell nothing but trouble for users of that site.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 7, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> It's not a few months is it?...it's 8 months ..a very long time in that little  toddlers life...


Yes, that's why it's pretty customary that CPS starts talking about adoption if the natural parent(s) don't get their act together by the time the child is 18months. By then, they're too attached to their foster parent(s). I was set to adopt, I'd agreed to, but the family court judge kept delaying things (covid) and Paxton's mom kept manipulating the system. He was 2 1/2 when the court "reunified" them. He'd just turned 3 when CPS took him again and put him in the other foster home, and nearly 4 when Tara got them back _again_.

It's possible that if Tara had provided Paxton with a stable, secure, loving home, he may have forgotten me, but she didn't, and he hasn't. He's wanted nothing more than to come back here since the day he left almost 2 years ago.


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## Lewkat (Aug 7, 2022)

Lewkat said:


> Steer clear of FB, changes via there new Meta program spell nothing but trouble for users of that site.


*Their* not there.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 7, 2022)

Lewkat said:


> Steer clear of FB, changes via there new Meta program spell nothing but trouble for users of that site.


Thanks, Lew. I found a group that's part of my medical clinic.


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## Pinky (Aug 7, 2022)

@Murrmurr

Frank, I hope that this is the beginning of regular visits for you and Paxton. He needs some consistency in his young life - a stable role model. He also needs to see a positive female role model, which he will have in Michelle and his grandmother. I hope all goes well, and continues without issues.


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## Pepper (Aug 7, 2022)

So happy for Paxton spending time with you.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 7, 2022)

Pepper said:


> So happy for Paxton spending time with you.


Oh, man, me too!!


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## Murrmurr (Aug 7, 2022)

Pinky said:


> @Murrmurr
> 
> Frank, I hope that this is the beginning of regular visits for you and Paxton. He needs some consistency in his young life - a stable role model. He also needs to see a positive female role model, which he will have in Michelle and his grandmother. I hope all goes well, and continues without issues.


It will be now that CPS is pretty much out of the picture.


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## Kaila (Aug 7, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I'll look into that and I'll ask my doctor when I see her next month. The ophthalmologist said don't use eyedrops that contain a preservative, but the ones my PCP prescribed _do_ contain a preservative. I'll ask her if she can Rx one that doesn't....but maybe my insurance isn't approving that kind, idk.
> 
> Thanks, Pinky



That was excellent news about your brain results, in the previous posts, Frank.

About your eyes, I would not wait another month, while continuing to use one with the preservatives which are very well known to irritate sore eyes!

Either ask the ophthalmologist to prescribe something better for you,
or request that they inform your PCP, of the better options for you, and that are ether otc or are covered.

Perhaps you don't need the irritating script, and might be better off with non-preservative *otc* drops, such as SootheXP or one of the countless others.  It's safe to use any of those, more than 4 times a day, at least until your eyes improve, and then again whenever they flare up. 

And you might try cool wet compresses, as they sometimes help better for some people than the warm. And it would not cause any harm to try them.  Not very cold, just cool.


----------



## Aprilbday12 (Aug 7, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> A promontory on the pacific coast called Bodega Head is where my life took a bad turn. Me and a dive-buddy just finished checking out this deep freshwater pond situated just inland from Campbell Cove. I’m not sure that pond has an official name but people in the area call it The Hole in the Head. Some guys working there thought we were going to dive it and asked if we had a permit, which we didn’t but that wasn’t the plan anyway, so we crossed the peninsula over to the west shore of Bodega Head and that’s where it happened. I stepped out onto a sturdy rocky shelf to find the best way down to the shoreline and saw it would be a tricky hike so I put on my wetsuit bc it was better than carrying it. Then I stepped back out even farther just to check again which was really stupid bc there was s strong gusty wind up there, and that was literally my downfall.
> 
> I might have posted about this somewhere already but this is a diary, so not only might I repeat myself sometimes, sometimes I won’t use spell check and the grammar and punctuation software. But I’m sure nobody feels pressured to read diaries so, yeah, sometimes I won’t bother with that stuff.
> 
> So anyway, I had a few non-life-threatening spine fractures, and bone shards got stuck in some lumbar and thoracic nerve roots, and my spine shifted out of alignment a few degrees here and there. Moreover, my liver was busted up a bit and some of the contents of my stomach splashed out onto the rock I landed on. Not a good scene. I had surgery and that fixed me up adequately and I healed fast and went back to work in less than 2 months but I had to take it easy for another month. But years along, when I started having severe back pain, my new doctor saw bone shards still in there, along with the misalignment being increased by a significant degree but I didn’t have the second surgery until about 5 years go when it was ok (and kind of imperative) for me to retire.


Wow! Thank God you made it through all of that! How are you now? Do you live in pain? So sorry.


----------



## Murrmurr (Aug 8, 2022)

Aprilbday12 said:


> Wow! Thank God you made it through all of that! How are you now? Do you live in pain? So sorry.


I do. And I've had to be in a wheelchair twice, but I worked really, really hard, and it paid off. Lately, though, the pain has gotten pretty bad. I'll be seeing my back surgeon next week. If he can fix it, swell, if not, I'll see my PCP about changing or increasing my pain meds.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 8, 2022)

Kaila said:


> That was excellent news about your brain results, in the previous posts, Frank.
> 
> About your eyes, I would not wait another month, while continuing to use one with the preservatives which are very well known to irritate sore eyes!
> 
> ...


I wish I knew what the deal is with my eyeball. I saw an optometrist, an ophthalmologist, and an ENT specialist, and after an MRI and a 3D scan, none of them could find anything wrong. My eye burns, still, and it's still a bit sensitive to touch but it's not as bad as it was...like, it's gone from super, super ouchy to just really annoying, so there's obviously _something_ wrong.

I'll take your advice and ask the ophthalmologist to write the next prescription. And I'll also tell my PCP to read the ophthalmologist's notes. Sometimes doctors forget to do that.


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## Pepper (Aug 8, 2022)

You're a mess (((Frank)))


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## Murrmurr (Aug 13, 2022)

Welp, apparently I won't be seeing Paxton _this_ weekend, either. He's not going to Jackie's house, so she can't, in turn, bring him here.

In a way, I wish Jackie didn't tell me that Tara said it's ok for him to come over. I've been sort of obsessing about it ever since, and it's put me in a weird mood. Makes me kind of hard to live with, if you ask Michelle. But it's awesome she did tell me, because now I'm certain Tara won't report me to CPS again. She's reported me as intentionally interfering in her relationship with Paxton, a kidnapping risk, and a "dangerous contact" because she suspected I was teaching Paxton to reject her. None of that is true, of course (well, maybe except for the kidnapping part), but the caseworker took her at her word, no questions asked. So I wasn't allowed at the visitors center, the foster home, Jackie's house, or any place where the kids were. And I'm still not allowed at the shelter home where Tara and the kids live now.

Anyway, I got Paxton's bed, his little couch, and one of the cribs out of our closet, and pulled the folding cot out from under our bed. I didn't set any of them up yet; they're all just leaning against a wall in our room, bugging the crap out of me. Plus all Pax's toys and books and puzzles are back on the shelves. And it's not easy looking at this stuff all day every day. So yeah, I've been a bit moody.

And it's not about missing him. I don't look at this stuff and just miss him, I stare at it and all I can think about is all the crap they put him through, and the crap they're still putting him through. I see the kid I handed over, the kid I raised; this healthy, happy, sweet, socially acceptable toddler that I handed over to his mother, and she _immediately_ effed him up. And then CPS just endlessly pummeled him with more crap. So that very happy, sane toddler is now a messed up preschooler who desperately needs to get in touch with his past. That's how I see it, anyway, and that can't happen soon enough. That's why it's hard looking at all this stuff just sitting here - like an old photo album just waiting for him show up and go through it and remember, and maybe reconnect to happier times.

Idk, I just feel like it would fill his soul or whatever with missing pieces. Health supplements for his psyche. Kind of like what spinach is to Popeye, you know?


----------



## Pinky (Aug 13, 2022)

@Murrmurr 

Awww, what a bummer 

I hope you get to see Paxton soon. It sounds as though his mother is playing games, keeping him from his grandmother as well.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 14, 2022)

I text (texted?) Jackie asking for clarification.

Jackie is around 50, and we've known each other for over 20 years. Her mother and my mother were next-door neighbors. Anyway, she's a well-meaning person, and she's witty too, but she's a total ditz. A scatterbrain, easily distracted, and a rambling converser. But I needed to pin her down on what's up with this possible overnight visit, so I asked her to explain in detail as _clearly_ as possible.

So, Tara and Paxton and the twins live in this shelter home for homeless/displaced moms with kids. Well, because there's a lot of homeless moms with kids, and not enough rooms, the house administrators don't like you to just come and go as you please, especially for overnight. Sometimes moms and their kids go and don't come back, and their room sits empty, going to waste. So anyway, you have to get a pass; either a day-pass or an overnight-pass. Apparently, Tara used up all her overnight passes, or something.

But she finally got an apartment, and her and the kids will move into it this week. After that, Jackie is pretty sure she'll be "babysitting" about every weekend. I'm gonna ask if Tara wants Paxton's bed and his bike and toys and shelves. I'm pretty sure she's starting from scratch...again.


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## Jules (Aug 14, 2022)

Things are looking up if Tara  Jackie gets Paxton more often.

Edited Major typo on my part.  Sorry, @Murrmurr


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## Pinky (Aug 14, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I text (texted?) Jackie asking for clarification.
> 
> Jackie is around 50, and we've known each other for over 20 years. Her mother and my mother were next-door neighbors. Anyway, she's a well-meaning person, and she's witty too, but she's a total ditz. A scatterbrain, easily distracted, and a rambling converser. But I needed to pin her down on what's up with this possible overnight visit, so I asked her to explain in detail as _clearly_ as possible.
> 
> ...


@Murrmurr 
My error, referring to Jackie as Paxton's grandmother.
It's good that the kids will be in an apartment. Let's hope Tara stays on the straight and narrow.


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## hollydolly (Aug 14, 2022)

Pinky said:


> @Murrmurr
> My error, referring to Jackie as Paxton's grandmother.
> It's good that the kids will be in an apartment. Let's hope Tara stays on the straight and narrow.


I'm with you Pinks..I thought Jackie was Paxton's grandmother too


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## Murrmurr (Aug 14, 2022)

Pinky said:


> @Murrmurr
> *My error, referring to Jackie as Paxton's grandmother*.
> It's good that the kids will be in an apartment. Let's hope Tara stays on the straight and narrow.


No, you're right....she's Paxton's grandmother. Tara is her daughter.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 14, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I'm with you Pinks..I thought Jackie was Paxton's grandmother too


Yeah, she is.

Sorry...Where did I mess up?


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## hollydolly (Aug 14, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Yeah, she is.
> 
> Sorry...Where did I mess up?


I dunno..I just saw Pinks apologising for believing Jackie was the grandmother..


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## Murrmurr (Aug 14, 2022)

Jules said:


> Things are looking up if Tara gets Paxton more often.


You mean Jackie...his grandma.

Where'd I mess up?


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## Murrmurr (Aug 14, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I dunno..I just saw Pinks apologising for believing Jackie was the grandmother..


Maybe I need to go chug another energy shot.


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## hollydolly (Aug 14, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Maybe I need to go chug another energy shot.


well I just scrolled back  and read the last few posts.. I didn't see where you said anything wrong. Perhaps people got mixed up between Tara and Jackie when you said Tara was moving into an apartment with the kids.. perhaps they thought Tara was the grandma


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## Murrmurr (Aug 14, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> well I just scrolled back  and read the last few posts.. I didn't see where you said anything wrong. Perhaps people got mixed up between Tara and Jackie when you said Tara was moving into an apartment with the kids.. perhaps they thought Tara was the grandma


That could be it. But the whole thing gets confusing, plus I really have to work to keep my posts organized. I'm not very good at writing...at organizing it, anyway.


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## hollydolly (Aug 14, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> That could be it. But the whole thing gets confusing, plus I really have to work to keep my posts organized. I'm not very good at writing...at organizing it, anyway.


Well I've been following it , I think you do a great job.. there's a lot to tell.. and you do get your frustrations across well...


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## Della (Aug 14, 2022)

I agree that it's fine writing and I've been following both stories closely; Paxton's because I'm wanting his visit with Frank so, so much, and the eye thing because I'm having exactly the same problem.  I've been doing the drops and the heat mask and some sort of spray to disinfect around the eyes for about six weeks now and had no improvement at all.  I have to go to bed most nights around 8 because that eye is just done by then.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 14, 2022)

Della said:


> I agree that it's fine writing and I've been following both stories closely; Paxton's because I'm wanting his visit with Frank so, so much, and the eye thing because I'm having exactly the same problem.  I've been doing the drops and the heat mask and some sort of spray to disinfect around the eyes for about six weeks now and had no improvement at all.  I have to go to bed most nights around 8 because that eye is just done by then.


My eye is doing quite a bit better. It's still slightly burny-stingy, but nothing at all compared to when it first started. There was definitely something wrong. None of the exams or images caught it, but something was going on, and still is a little bit.

I still use the artificial tears drops when I need to, but I'm not convinced that's the actual problem.

I'm sad for you, Della. Are you also using an eye ointment?


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## Pinky (Aug 14, 2022)

@Murrmurr 
Sorry for causing confusion. Because Jackie is so young, I thought she wasn't Paxton's grandmother, but Tara's older friend.

Duh! Count this is a huge "senior moment"


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## Jules (Aug 14, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> You mean Jackie...his grandma.
> 
> Where'd I mess up?


OOPs on my part.  I know that Jackie is the Grandma.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 15, 2022)

Pinky said:


> @Murrmurr
> Sorry for causing confusion. Because Jackie is so young, I thought she wasn't Paxton's grandmother, but Tara's older friend.
> 
> Duh! Count this is a huge "senior moment"


Maybe you didn't realize it, but Paxton is Jackie's first grandchild and he's only 4. He just turned 4 last month. So she was about 46 when he was born. I was around 10 years younger than that when I first became a grampa.


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## Tish (Aug 15, 2022)

I can't believe Tara reported you.
My heart bleeds for you Frank, and for young Paxton.

She is such a


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## Murrmurr (Aug 15, 2022)

Tish said:


> I can't believe Tara reported you.
> My heart bleeds for you Frank, and for young Paxton.
> 
> She is such a


I was stunned, too. But I try to keep in mind the caseworker lied to Tara about me and lied to me about Tara. I don't know if she just got a kick out of the drama, or what her malfunction was, but she was hands down the world's worst CPS caseworker.

After I sent a formal complaint to the CPS director, that caseworker was investigated and fired. The investigation uncovered some serious crap on her, too, like she was doing drugs with drug addicted moms, and lying on their monthly reports in exchange for drugs. Her supervisor got fired, too.

Unfortunately, that doesn't un-do the harm she did to Paxton (and probly hundreds of kids in the same boat). And Tara still believes a lot of the lies she was told, but that might be by choice because she hates it that Paxton loves me. That's the real problem. She tried to _make_ him love her. That's an impossible thing, of course. And Tara just doesn't know how to mother. She's too selfish, too self-absorbed, extremely vindictive, and she's still an addict....definitely a


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## Tish (Aug 15, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I was stunned, too. But I try to keep in mind the caseworker lied to Tara about me and lied to me about Tara. I don't know if she just got a kick out of the drama, or what her malfunction was, but she was hands down the world's worst CPS caseworker.
> 
> After I sent a formal complaint to the CPS director, that caseworker was investigated and fired. The investigation uncovered some serious crap on her, too, like she was doing drugs with drug addicted moms, and lying on their monthly reports in exchange for drugs. Her supervisor got fired, too.
> 
> Unfortunately, that doesn't un-do the harm she did to Paxton (and probly hundreds of kids in the same boat). And Tara still believes a lot of the lies she was told, but that might be by choice because she hates it that Paxton loves me. That's the real problem. She tried to _make_ him love her. That's an impossible thing, of course. And Tara just doesn't know how to mother. She's too selfish, too self-absorbed, extremely vindictive, and she's still an addict....definitely a


I am so glad you reported her and that she got fired.
God only knows how many children and families she has hurt, as for Tara, you are 100% correct she is too selfish to be a mother.


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## Pinky (Aug 15, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I was stunned, too. But I try to keep in mind the caseworker lied to Tara about me and lied to me about Tara. I don't know if she just got a kick out of the drama, or what her malfunction was, but she was hands down the world's worst CPS caseworker.
> 
> After I sent a formal complaint to the CPS director, that caseworker was investigated and fired. The investigation uncovered some serious crap on her, too, like she was doing drugs with drug addicted moms, and lying on their monthly reports in exchange for drugs. Her supervisor got fired, too.
> 
> Unfortunately, that doesn't un-do the harm she did to Paxton (and probly hundreds of kids in the same boat). And Tara still believes a lot of the lies she was told, but that might be by choice because she hates it that Paxton loves me. That's the real problem. She tried to _make_ him love her. That's an impossible thing, of course. And Tara just doesn't know how to mother. She's too selfish, too self-absorbed, extremely vindictive, and she's still an addict....definitely a


@Murrmurr  .. Imagine how many lives and cases that caseworker messed up. It's good that she was finally caught, but it burns my a** knowing she got away with what she did


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## Murrmurr (Aug 15, 2022)

Pinky said:


> @Murrmurr  .. Imagine how many lives and cases that caseworker messed up. It's good that she was finally caught, but it burns my a** knowing she got away with what she did


Jackie thinks there's grounds for a lawsuit because the caseworker failed to request mental health services for Paxton, which is actually harmful; possibly long-term harm. And she also failed to sign and submit Tara's applications for 3 different rental homes. Either she just didn't want to deal with the paperwork or she'd get so stoned or whatever she'd forget about it.

Yeah, you can literally multiply Pax's case by the total number of children in the 25 cases his worker was assigned to at any given time. Some of the moms had over 4 kids.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 3, 2022)

Paxton and the twins are coming to spend the night on either the 7th-8th or the 8th-9th !!


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## dobielvr (Sep 3, 2022)

YAY!!


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## Murrmurr (Sep 3, 2022)

dobielvr said:


> YAY!!


I'm stoked!


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## Pinky (Sep 3, 2022)

WHOO - HOO!!!
HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!
Great news -  I hope you all have a wonderful time together


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## RadishRose (Sep 3, 2022)

Great news, Murr. I hope it all goes well and you have fun.


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## Kaila (Sep 3, 2022)

Coming to spend the night, where?  @Murrmurr 

At Jackie's, or with you and Michelle?
I hope the latter, but if so, then I missed a big something, and I hope I did!


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## Murrmurr (Sep 3, 2022)

Kaila said:


> Coming to spend the night, where?  @Murrmurr
> 
> At Jackie's, or with you and Michelle?
> I hope the latter, but if so, then I missed a big something, and I hope I did!


At my house, with me and Michelle.

But I messed up, though. It'll be on the 7th or 8th of OCTOBER....not in a week, but in about 6 weeks. But still awesome!


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## Murrmurr (Sep 3, 2022)

Yeah, I messed up - the kids will spend the night on either the 7th or 8th of October, not September. So, a whole month away. Still great news. Jackie's taking Paxton's parents to Sacramento's massive annual rock concert called Aftershock. I just hope plans don't change.


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## Kaila (Sep 3, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I just hope plans don't change.



We're all with you on that.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 28, 2022)

My grand-nephew's Little League team took the Regional Championship!

And because I filled in for one of the coaches for a few major tournaments, I got to be there.
I'm the one in the goofy white hat. (the hat serves 2 crucial purposes: it's our good luck charm and my sunscreen)

 

Me and the G-neph...



Post-game celebration..."Awesome! What are you guys having?"


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## Murrmurr (Oct 1, 2022)

Paxton's mom said he can't spend the night here, as planned for the 8th/9th.

Because he was a "bad boy". 

Freaking witch has no idea what she's doing to him. No idea.

No matter what, no matter who gets mad or doesn't like it, I'm going over to Jackie's next time Paxton's there. Jackie said she'll let me know when that is. And I'm gonna take him outside and talk to him, or even better take him for a little ride, go get lunch for everyone. What's his mom gonna do? Call police? "Come quick! My son's 'Uncle' took him to get us a pizza!!"


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## Jules (Oct 1, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> What's his mom gonna do? Call police? "Come quick! My son's 'Uncle' took him to get us a pizza!!"


She’s such a wacko *itch, she might.  As long as no one says anything, taking him for a special would be great.  Just make it spur of the moment so no spills the beans.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 1, 2022)

Jules said:


> She’s such a wacko *itch, she might.  As long as no one says anything, taking him for a special would be great.  Just make it spur of the moment so no spills the beans.


If I show up at Jackie's, she's afraid Tara will stop taking the kids to see her and dropping them off for her to babysit. But she can just say she had no idea I was going to show up. It's unusual and it's out of my way, so Tara would believe her. And there's several reasons why I'd show up there. eg, her house is next to my parents house and they lived there til they died. I could make up a story around that.

I totally get it. I do believe that Tara would cut Jackie off from her grandkids if she thought Jackie was helping me see Paxton, but his mental health is extremely important. I'll come up with something to make Jackie look innocent of "betraying" her daughter. That won't be hard.


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## Jules (Oct 1, 2022)

The one good thing is that Tara still needs a babysitter so she’ll likely keep her mom available long term.  Tara looks after Tara.  JMO, of course.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 1, 2022)

Jules said:


> The one good thing is that Tara still needs a babysitter so she’ll likely keep her mom available long term.  Tara looks after Tara.  JMO, of course.


I agree 100% ! She's always going to need her mom because she's a self-centered idiot who just wants to have fun and a lot of sex.


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## katlupe (Oct 2, 2022)

Sounds to me like she is enjoying being in the "power position" with Jackie and you. She knows she controls you two with her children. Dangerous!


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## Murrmurr (Oct 2, 2022)

katlupe said:


> Sounds to me like she is enjoying being in the "power position" with Jackie and you. She knows she controls you two with her children. Dangerous!


Narcissists with inferiority complex use the most mind-boggling, irrational, inhumane weapons against people they feel inferior to. And it's always emotionally-fueled but it's only about how _they_ feel. They're incapable of being loving, selfless, emotionally present mothers. At least not without help or even professional counseling. Tara doesn't just want to be seen as a good mom, she wants to be seen as a super-mom. And that invariably makes her a bad mom, in reality.

She's oblivious to the fact that she's effing-up her kids. She's blind to it 100%. And when Zoey gets pregnant at 13 or Pax goes to prison at 20, it will be our fault. She'll blame everyone who ever came into contact with those kids for longer than a day.


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## dobielvr (Oct 2, 2022)

And, hey, if they're not controlling and manipulating everybody..they're not happy.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 2, 2022)

dobielvr said:


> And, hey, if they're not controlling and manipulating everybody..they're not happy.


Boy, that's the truth. And Tara's pretty good - she manipulated CPS into returning her poor kids to an abusive, neglectful, drunken, chaotic home. Twice. She also convinced her caseworker that I didn't like her (Tara), that I judged her wrongly, that I was a chronic liar with a personal vendetta, and, like everyone else, I was victimizing her. Oh man, they love playing that victim card.

I've dated that kind of woman. They're absolutely exhausting. They literally ruin people.


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## Pinky (Oct 2, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Boy, that's the truth. And Tara's pretty good - she manipulated CPS into returning her poor kids to an abusive, neglectful, drunken, chaotic home. Twice. She also convinced her caseworker that I didn't like her (Tara), that I judged her wrongly, that I was a chronic liar with a personal vendetta, and, like everyone else, I was victimizing her. Oh man, they love playing that victim card.
> 
> I've dated that kind of woman. They're absolutely exhausting. They literally ruin people.


@Murrmurr 

As professionals, one would think caseworkers would be more savvy  to the manipulations of some 
mothers/parents.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 2, 2022)

Pinky said:


> @Murrmurr
> 
> As professionals, one would think caseworkers would be more savvy  to the manipulations of some
> mothers/parents.


I've lost all confidence in that whole system. I think maybe CPS hurts more kids than it protects. It doesn't practice oversight, that's for sure. I estimate 1 in 300 people employed with CPS is an actual professional with a relevant degree, and that's probably a generous estimate.

Also, they have a high turnover rate so it's common to get a caseworker with very little experience.


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## Tish (Oct 3, 2022)

Good for you, take the young one out, and enjoy the time you have together, it's no doubt the only normality that child has in his life.

It breaks my heart that she is now using time spent with you as a weapon over the poor child's head.


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## dobielvr (Oct 3, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Boy, that's the truth. And Tara's pretty good - she manipulated CPS into returning her poor kids to an abusive, neglectful, drunken, chaotic home. Twice. She also convinced her caseworker that I didn't like her (Tara), that I judged her wrongly, that I was a chronic liar with a personal vendetta, and, like everyone else, I was victimizing her. Oh man, they love playing that victim card.
> 
> I've dated that kind of woman. They're absolutely exhausting. They literally ruin people.


The thing is, these people are so good at their game...they've got a lot of people bamboozled.
Def. agree w/everything you've said.  ie: playing the victim, blaming others and trying to turn everyone against you.

I'm so over them...

I have to stop, or I could go on and on and on...


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## Della (Oct 5, 2022)

I remembered the date and came here expecting to see excitement about the visit... and then this. If my anger and disappointment is one thousandth what Murrmurr is feeling ... I just can't be sorry enough.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 7, 2022)

Della said:


> I remembered the date and came here expecting to see excitement about the visit... and then this. If my anger and disappointment is one thousandth what Murrmurr is feeling ... I just can't be sorry enough.


Jackie, Paxton's g-ma, called. She said that Tara, Paxton's mom, said she's "sure" she will get a weekend pass from the mission-house (where she and the kids live) to go to this concert.

Which means Meesh and I WILL have Pax and the twins this weekend 

But this is how Jackie put it - "Just assume I'll be dropping them off this evening around 7, and then picking them up on Sunday evening, and if anything changes I'll let you know ASAP."

But she said that after about the 10th time I called her over the past 2 weeks, so maybe she's just shutting me up. 

Whatever the case, Meesh is taking off work early today and skipping one of her evening classes so we can get all the beds set up, get more groceries, and put the knives and meds away and all that stuff.

So, we're just gonna get ready to party and keep our fingers crossed that Jackie won't drop a last-minute bombshell on it.

+


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## Murrmurr (Oct 7, 2022)

Tara text me. It's official.

Tara will drop the kids off with me tomorrow morning, and Jackie will pick them up late Sunday evening.

*Yay!*

I can hardly wait to see Paxton. And Meesh will be here all day tomorrow to hang with the twins so me and him can take walks and talk and just be a kid hanging out with his Uncle Frank, his buddy, his rock, his safe place.


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## dobielvr (Oct 7, 2022)

So happy for you dude!


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## Pinky (Oct 7, 2022)

I hope you and Paxton have a wonderful bonding time together, Murr


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## Jules (Oct 7, 2022)

Have a wonderful weekend!


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## Murrmurr (Oct 10, 2022)

My weekend with Paxton and the twins was kind of odd. It kept me sort of like off-balance. Maybe I can't read his face and body language as well as I could when he lived here, but, to me, it seemed like Paxton's emotional connection to "daddy-uncle" faded along with the memories....or at least, right up until the very last minutes.

When he first got here, he zoomed up my walkway yelling "Unco Fwank! Unco Fwank! I'm coming!" And soon as I stepped outside, he jumped into my arms and hugged my neck and buried his face behind my ear. But for most of Saturday and Sunday, it felt to me like he was just having a normal visit with an old uncle. Like, he wasn't clingy or anything like that, and he wasn't moody and depressed like he used to get when we only saw each other on weekends.

The only time he got emotional is when his grandma and I started putting his and the twins' shoes on them so she could take them to their mom. She got here at about 11pm on Sunday night, as planned. And the kids knew the plan, so it was no surprise when we woke each one to say "Gramma's here; time to go home."

I sat Paxton up, and he stared into the distance while I tied his shoes. He didn't look at me and he didn't, like, hold his feet up for socks or push them into his shoes to help me get them on. I thought maybe he was just groggy, but after I got his shoes tied, I looked up at him and tears were rolling down his cheeks. He hugged my neck and quietly said, "I don't want to go." 

You could totally tell by his voice and all that he knew it was a useless thing to say; it wasn't going to change anything. That's what history has taught him, you know? So I sat him on my lap and let him cry. And I rocked him and told him that I'm pretty sure we'll see each other again, and that he'll always be my boy, and I'll always love him no matter where he is....all the same things I told him last time I saw him (3pm, Dec 24th, 2021).

His gramma said that, provided Paxton "acts normal" after being here, me and Michelle might be "babysitting" fairly often from now on.

Equally joyful and gutting.


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## Pinky (Oct 10, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> My weekend with Paxton and the twins was kind of odd. It kept me sort of like off-balance. Maybe I can't read his face and body language as well as I could when he lived here, but, to me, it seemed like Paxton's emotional connection to "daddy-uncle" faded along with the memories....or at least, right up until the very last minutes.
> 
> When he first got here, he zoomed up my walkway yelling "Unco Fwank! Unco Fwank! I'm coming!" And soon as I stepped outside, he jumped into my arms and hugged my neck and buried his face behind my ear. But for most of Saturday and Sunday, it felt to me like he was just having a normal visit with an old uncle. Like, he wasn't clingy or anything like that, and he wasn't moody and depressed like he used to get when we only saw each other on weekends.
> 
> ...


Frank .. it must be frustrating for Paxton to not be able to see you more often. He's older now, and trying
to keep his emotions under control.

I sincerely hope that you will be able to continue seeing him more regularly. He knows you love him, and
he obviously loves you. That counts for a lot.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 13, 2022)

There's two sheriff's helicopters in our sky right now so I DuckDuckGo'ed "current helicopter activity, Sacramento." 

I found a website that says "Air unit assisted ground units on reports of subjects shooting at a group."


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## Murrmurr (Oct 13, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> There's two sheriff's helicopters in our sky right now so I DuckDuckGo'ed "current helicopter activity, Sacramento."
> 
> I found a website that says "Air unit assisted ground units on reports of subjects shooting at a group."


Report of a shooting at a high school. Some non-students went onto a local campus and shot a couple students with pepper-spray. Offenders escaped capture. stupid punks.

Can't fault any department involved for over-reacting.


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## terry123 (Oct 14, 2022)

Its a common thing here in Houston to hear sirens all night long.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 14, 2022)

terry123 said:


> Its a common thing here in Houston to hear sirens all night long.


Same. Our new house is in a much better area but the entire city is plagued with crime. Cops don't even bother with petty criminals. You report your stuff stolen or vandalized or whatever, they enter it into a data-base, and _bam!_... their job is done. Step 2, you call your insurance company and hope for the best.


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## hollydolly (Oct 14, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Same. Our new house is in a much better area but the entire city is plagued with crime. Cops don't even bother with petty criminals. You report your stuff stolen or vandalized or whatever, they enter it into a data-base, and _bam!_... their job is done. Step 2, you call your insurance company and hope for the best.


we live in as close to a crime free area as you can get .. but the Police here do the self same thing, whether here in the rural shires, or in the city with much more crime ... they're more interested in arresting people for hate speech..


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## terry123 (Oct 14, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> we live in as close to a crime free area as you can get .. but the Police here do the self same thing, whether here in the rural shires, or in the city with much more crime ... they're more interested in arresting people for hate speech..


I live in a pretty safe area and in a condo complex.  The only crime here is that people tend to break into cars that are not locked.  I can't believe people don't lock their cars.


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## Trish (Oct 15, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> we live in as close to a crime free area as you can get .. but the Police here do the self same thing, whether here in the rural shires, or in the city with much more crime ... they're more interested in arresting people for hate speech..


to be fair though, they are busy attending carnivals, learning dance routines for tik tok and, of course, doing coffee and sandwich runs for protestors


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## hollydolly (Oct 15, 2022)

Trish said:


> to be fair though, they are busy attending carnivals, learning dance routines for tik tok and, of course, doing coffee and sandwich runs for protestors


yes ... that last one particularity rankles with me


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## Lewkat (Oct 15, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I've never heard of that, either. In which case, I'll be very polite when I call and tell them to "edit" rather than "omit" the word giddiness.


Nothing to correct, Murr, it is a medical term.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 15, 2022)

Lewkat said:


> Nothing to correct, Murr, it is a medical term.


Yes, you're right; I looked it up.

Strange choice for a medical term when we're talking eyes and sinuses. Seems like one that would need clarification pretty often. I'm sure I'm wrong about that, but still, it's definitely one of the odd ones.


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## Lewkat (Oct 15, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Yes, you're right; I looked it up.
> 
> Strange choice for a medical term when we're talking eyes and sinuses. Seems like one that would need clarification pretty often. I'm sure I'm wrong about that, but still, it's definitely one of the odd ones.


It's pretty archaic all right.  We use some terminology that would make you laugh.  For instance, if a doctor allows a patient to have a shot of brandy or whiskey at bedtime, the order will read, spirits of fermenti, h.s


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## Murrmurr (Nov 3, 2022)

Yayha! We'll move into our "new" house next week!

And I've got a lot of crap to get rid of. I've saved every one of Paxton's toys since he started walking. I've got a crib and mattress that needs a new home worse than I do....stuff like that. Lots of it. But I'll sort it out; not as big a deal as my mind is making it. 

Time to order a lawn mower and stuff!


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## hollydolly (Nov 3, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Yayha! We'll move into our "new" house next week!
> 
> And I've got a lot of crap to get rid of. I've saved every one of Paxton's toys since he started walking. I've got a crib and mattress that needs a new home worse than I do....stuff like that. Lots of it. But I'll sort it out; not as big a deal as my mind is making it.
> 
> Time to order a lawn mower and stuff!


wooohoooo... you're going to be sooo busy.. fantastic news, but you must pace yourself Frank, don't damage your back more than it is..

How far is the new home from where you are now ?.. will it mean making new friends and neighbours ?


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## Blessed (Nov 3, 2022)

Such an exciting time.  I saw the picture of the home you posted.  Lookd like you both will be very happy there.  Keeps us updated as you make it your own, decorating, updating the garden how you want. Are you going to keep the little awning, I love it.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 3, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> wooohoooo... you're going to be sooo busy.. fantastic news, but you must pace yourself Frank, don't damage your back more than it is..
> 
> How far is the new home from where you are now ?.. will it mean making new friends and neighbours ?


It's only about 5 miles away, and a 10 minute drive, but it's a very different area...less crime, far fewer renters, quiet streets and lots and lots of trees. I've already gotten acquainted with the lady across the street and the guy next door. They seem really nice. The lady is a member of the Neighborhood Watch.

Yeah, I can't wait to work on the yards. There's some scruffy, useless stuff I want to remove, and stuff I want to plant. Removal will be easy after we get some rain (expected soon), and planting will wait until early spring. There's a pretty little shed in back for my new mower, weedeater, hoes and shovels and all that.

I'm stoked.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 3, 2022)

Blessed said:


> Such an exciting time.  I saw the picture of the home you posted.  Lookd like you both will be very happy there.  Keeps us updated as you make it your own, decorating, updating the garden how you want. Are you going to keep the little awning, I love it.


The awning stays.


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## Pinky (Nov 3, 2022)

I'm so excited for you, Murr! The days will fly by now .. so, get cracking!


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## Jules (Nov 3, 2022)

I’m glad you reported in today.  I was going to ask.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 8, 2022)

( re: https://www.seniorforums.com/threads/paxtons-father-is-in-pursuit.76466/ )

Paxton's grandmother ("Gaga"), Jackie, called me a little bit ago to tell me to expect a call from CPS. She reported Paxton's mom to the police for physical and emotional abuse and they referred her to a CPS intake person.

I hope they call. I have a lot to say.


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## hollydolly (Nov 8, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> ( re: https://www.seniorforums.com/threads/paxtons-father-is-in-pursuit.76466/ )
> 
> Paxton's grandmother ("Gaga"), Jackie, called me a little bit ago to tell me to expect a call from CPS. She reported Paxton's mom to the police for physical and emotional abuse and they referred her to a CPS intake person.
> 
> I hope they call. I have a lot to say.


If there's a God looking down on you, please, let the CPS call .. and really listen...


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## Pinky (Nov 8, 2022)

It's frustrating and heartbreaking, that Paxton and siblings have fallen through the cracks, so many times.
I hope that the-powers-that-be are really listening this time.


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## Blessed (Nov 8, 2022)

You need to tell them all that has gone on but try not to get upset, angry at them.  The do (CPS) deserve it but I hope they review the complete case from the time Paxton was born.  I want you to still be in the position of his foster parent.  If they decide to remove her parental rights, which they should, hope they see the Dad is not in the position to raise a child as well. I would hope that they would allow you the opportunity to adopt him if that is what the both of you want.


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## dobielvr (Nov 8, 2022)

Echoing what Blessed said.....Keep Your Cool.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 8, 2022)

THE KIDS ARE IN CPS CUSTODY!!!

Police stepped in and made sure the kids were taken from their mom! Jackie has a security device in her house and it recorded Tara hitting Paxton, screaming at him, and calling him names! Jackie called the police and showed the recording to them, and they forwarded it to a CPS intake specialist, and the kids were taken a couple hours later.

Jackie said one of the cops was particularly disturbed by the recording, visually upset, so she told him about how Amador County (where the kids are now) messed up 100% when they took the kids before and asked him to ask Sacramento County CPS to take the case. He said he'd look into it. It's real iffy, but with several complaints filed against Amador over the previous case, there is a chance...if the cop does look into it.

Anyway, the kids are currently with an emergency placement foster family. Jacki won't know exactly where for at least a few days, maybe not til next week or even the week after (that's how CPS rolls). They are together. I hope the people they're with are good-hearted and nice.


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## Jules (Nov 8, 2022)

Fingers tightly crossed that these kids are taken away from that malicious *itch. Somehow I feel that you’d be content to know that they’re all in a good place and safely away from her.  It’s heartbreaking knowing little innocents are being destroyed because of failure of the system.  Maybe there’s hope now.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 8, 2022)

Jules said:


> Fingers tightly crossed that these kids are taken away from that malicious *itch. *Somehow I feel that you’d be content to know that they’re all in a good place and safely away from her.*  It’s heartbreaking knowing little innocents are being destroyed because of failure of the system.  Maybe there’s hope now.


Absolutely. A loving, energetic, 100% sober couple  ...(or person)


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## RadishRose (Nov 9, 2022)

Thank goodness!


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## Teacher Terry (Nov 9, 2022)

I really hope that those poor kids go up for adoption. I was a social worker for 4 years working with abused children and it was such difficult work.


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## Pepper (Nov 10, 2022)

Teacher Terry said:


> I really hope that those poor kids go up for adoption. I was a social worker for 4 years working with abused children and it was such difficult work.


I worked for an adoption/foster care private agency that contracted with the city.  Although I saw sad/awful things I saw happiness and joy as well.  We had a great bunch of foster parents.  I started in foster care, then went to the natural parent dept. and also arranged adoptions.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 10, 2022)

Pepper said:


> I worked for an adoption/foster care private agency that contracted with the city.  Although I saw sad/awful things I saw happiness and joy as well.  We had a great bunch of foster parents.  I started in foster care, then went to the natural parent dept. and also arranged adoptions.


I almost PMed you about this last night.

Tara will argue crap like "I didn't hit him that hard" and "It was a really bad day" "First time for everything, won't happen again" and whatever else she can grasp at. But this is the 3rd time CPS seized the kids, and the 2nd time her parental rights are on the line.

Today at 2pm, she has a court hearing (if not an actual trial). In your estimation, just you guessing, *what are her odds of getting the kids back?* Also, I just want to mention she got kicked out of the "mission home" and her and the kids moved to a motel....on the county's dime. Also, she's not working and is, in her words, too busy to look for work.

And, per the kids' father, Tara's on 2 "casual" dating sites and leaves the kids with anybody who's willing to babysit while she has these sex-only rendezvous, and she's been emailing with various people about making sure the kids never see their dad and anyone on dad's side of the family and this old guy the kids call "Uncle Frank"....but I doubt he'll give the court all that info. He hacked her phone to get it. Plus, he and Tara are still under a no-contact order.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 10, 2022)

Finally got a call from the kids' CPS caseworker this morning. Her name is Shannon, and Shannon is a permanency worker, or whatever they title the person who's job is to place kids in a foster home that intends to adopt. 

I didn't get much information, like, she wouldn't tell me where the kids are right now, but she will set up visitation, but that depends on what happens in court today. It's clear there's a lot riding on this hearing. Tara could lose her parental rights, and if she does, Shannon will immediately make the kids available for adoption. 

She said younger applicant parents will get first consideration, and I told her I'm fine with that. Also, she said it's extremely unlikely Jackie will be their adoptive parent, but CPS will request an open adoption so she can still be their "Gaga". Also, I could still be their Uncle Frank.

She said she'll call me Monday.

In other news, we've started moving stuff to the "new" house.


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## Pepper (Nov 11, 2022)

Sorry, Frank, I have no answers for you.  I don't know what will happen except you will do your best to fight for them and I do believe you will be in their lives forever.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 11, 2022)

Results of yesterday's hearing: Tara (mom) is prohibited from any contact with the kids, and no third-party may contact the kids on her behalf. She requested visitation with only the twins. Request denied. (because she's accused of exposing them to Paxton's abuse)

Paxton was examined at a hospital prior to yesterday's hearing. Several abuse injuries were discovered, old and new, including a severe one on his spine and at least 4 on his head. 

Turns out his preschool teacher called CPS several times over the past 4 or 5 months to report suspected abuse. No response from CPS except the one time they asked Paxton how he got those scratches and bruises on his face and thighs, and he said "I fell." No further questions. 

Paxton and the twins are currently in a home with foster parents who are licensed to foster and already pre-approved to adopt. For the next 2 or 3 weeks, no one can visit the kids except social workers, home-health workers, and the kids' attorney, and they'll get half-days preschool for a little while. This is so the parents get more time with the kids than other foster parents get, so they can all get acquainted more intimately, and decide if they want to adopt.

This home is in El Dorado County, which indicates Amador County searched farther than normal to find appropriate placement. I'm taking that as a good sign. I'm assuming Amador CPS doesn't want to make any more glaring blunders than they already have.

El Dorado County is pretty and spacious. It has quaint towns and a few big cities. Folsom, Calif is in El Dorado County. The largest city within the county is South Lake Tahoe. There's lots of farmland and hills, rivers and lakes. Part of it is in the Sierras. I feel good about that, especially if the foster parents are typical EDC residents...decent down-to-earth folks.


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## Blessed (Nov 11, 2022)

I sill want Paxton with you.  I appreciate that the foster family is taking all 3 kids together.  I hope that the system will recognize that he has a very big attachment to you, having raised him from birth. I would think if they asked him where he would want to be it would be with Uncle Frank.  I know you could work well with the other family that might adopt the twins.  You would make sure that Paxton had a good, loving home and frequent time with his siblings,

I will pray every night that you will have the opportunity to be his forever Dad!!


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## Pinky (Nov 11, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Results of yesterday's hearing: Tara (mom) is prohibited from any contact with the kids, and no third-party may contact the kids on her behalf. She requested visitation with only the twins. Request denied. (because she's accused of exposing them to Paxton's abuse)
> 
> Paxton was examined at a hospital prior to yesterday's hearing. Several abuse injuries were discovered, old and new, including a severe one on his spine and at least 4 on his head.
> 
> ...


@Murrmurr 

Holding onto hope for the children. The tide has to turn, and it has to be *now*.

It saddens me that Paxton feels the need to lie about his injuries, to protect either himself or his mother.

I hope they find a good home, with a loving couple to grow with.


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## RadishRose (Nov 11, 2022)

It's telling that their mother only asked for the twins and not Paxton.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 11, 2022)

Blessed said:


> I sill want Paxton with you.  I appreciate that the foster family is taking all 3 kids together.  I hope that the system will recognize that he has a very big attachment to you, having raised him from birth. I would think if they asked him where he would want to be it would be with Uncle Frank.  I know you could work well with the other family that might adopt the twins.  You would make sure that Paxton had a good, loving home and frequent time with his siblings,
> 
> I will pray every night that you will have the opportunity to be his forever Dad!!


Knowing that when Paxton is 14 - a really challenging age for boys, when sex and violence and drugs and alcohol are just a few of the diversions and confusions - I will be 80. Who knows how far my spinal disease and deformities will have advanced, not to mention the arthritis. Will I have dementia? Be back in a wheelchair?

Paxton deserves....no, he NEEDS a strong, capable father figure. Someone who will take him hiking and camping, or practice sports with him, or build sheds and dog-houses with him  - whatever kind of physical stuff he's into. Playing his drums, even. Boys need physical outlets at that age, I don't care what anyone says.

I wish I was younger and healthier, I really do. Paxton deserves a "whole" father. He totally _deserves_ that. He's a great little guy under all the damage that's been done over the past year. He's helpful and really clever, and void of prejudice....or, he was, but I believe those qualities are still in there. And capable parents can bring his happiness back, and eradicate his fear.

If Paxton gets a great new dad, I will be super happy to remain Uncle Frank. If not, this dad-battle isn't over, I assure you.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 11, 2022)

Pinky said:


> @Murrmurr
> 
> Holding onto hope for the children. The tide has to turn, and it has to be *now*.
> 
> ...


He lied because she promised worse if he didn't. And the poor guy doesn't know who he can trust. The one time he told his teacher that his bruises were from his mom, the teacher called his mom, right in front of him! And he caught hell when he got home.

So yeah, it's extremely saddening when he lies about the abuse.


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## Blessed (Nov 11, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Knowing that when Paxton is 14 - a really challenging age for boys, when sex and violence and drugs and alcohol are just a few of the diversions and confusions - I will be 80. Who knows how far my spinal disease and deformities will have advanced, not to mention the arthritis. Will I have dementia? Be back in a wheelchair?
> 
> Paxton deserves....no, he NEEDS a strong, capable father figure. Someone who will take him hiking and camping, or practice sports with him, or build sheds and dog-houses with him  - whatever kind of physical stuff he's into. Playing his drums, even. Boys need physical outlets at that age, I don't care what anyone says.
> 
> ...


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## Murrmurr (Nov 11, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> It's telling that their mother only asked for the twins and not Paxton.


I hope the judge read her. I can't see how he couldn't. That *itch has no idea how transparent she is. Thinks she's got a real talent for this, you know?


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## Blessed (Nov 11, 2022)

I know you are older, I know you have health issues but that does not mean you can't be a great parent.  You have a wonderful wife, you are moving into a beautiful home.  You have so much to offer a child. If it is decided that he needs to go to someone younger I can see in some ways that might be good.  They need to consider where he wants to be, where he feels safe, loved and happy.  The other issues can be handled as they come up.  He will have brothers and sisters that are older than can fulfill some of those things.  He will have cousins to grow up with. Those are the things that make a good childhood, having the love and support of a big family!


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## Jules (Nov 13, 2022)

How did your move go?


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## Murrmurr (Nov 13, 2022)

Jules said:


> How did your move go?


Great! Tonight is our first night in the new-to-us house. Dinner will be delivered in about 30 minutes, and we're gonna enjoy it outside!

We got a LOT done and it looks really nice. One of the first things we noticed is how nice and comfortable the heat-and-air keeps this place. It's awesome.


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## Pink Biz (Nov 13, 2022)

Best of luck in the new abode @Murrmurr!


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## Teacher Terry (Nov 13, 2022)

Murmur, I think it’s great that you can stay in Paxton’s life as his uncle. I hope he ends up with great parents. The little guy certainly deserves it.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 16, 2022)

My back is killing me this evening. But it could be worse, though - my sons and a few of their friends helped us move, and my oldest son gave my wife the keys to his panel van and told her to take me to get a new barbecue and lawnmower and yard tools and stuff....to get rid of me while they did the heavy work.

But I've been putting stuff away and then switching the same stuff around. I've dug up some plants from the yard that we don't want, and prepared it for stuff we'll plant in the spring. But I'm not moving heavy stuff except when I can use furniture sliders or this old skateboard I have. 

Anyway, I'm gonna stop for a few days to rest my back.

Meanwhile, regarding Paxton (and the twins); the hearing is tomorrow. Judge will decide to either press charges against their mother, or order CPS to return her kids to her. I've offered to testify and/or to give CPS photos of Paxton's injuries that were obviously caused by adult hands, but their new CPS caseworker turned me down. The reason is, my testimony and the photos "are not relative to the case." She means the _current_ case.

As unjust as that is, the caseworker did say she feels they have some strong evidence, and all of it is recent. Plus they have eyewitness testimony from very reliable sources, including professionals.

That's very encouraging.

I still haven't been given permission to visit Paxton and the twins....not yet. But I understand. They need as much time as they can get to become comfortable in the new foster home and with the new foster parents. Foster kids normally have very tight schedules imposed on them, including school, up to 4 hours a day at the visitors center, therapies, doctor and dental appointments....basically, foster kids work all week and have weekends and some holidays off.


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## Teacher Terry (Nov 16, 2022)

I am going to send lots of love and light to those 3 boys holding that the judge will do the right thing and press charges.


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## hollydolly (Nov 17, 2022)

Teacher Terry said:


> I am going to send lots of love and light to those 3 boys holding that the judge will do the right thing and press charges.


it's 2 boys ( Paxton and one twin boy ).. and a twin girl  the boy and girl are twins


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## Pepper (Nov 17, 2022)

Even though I don't always respond, you know I hold you and your family close to my heart dear (((Frank))).


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## Murrmurr (Nov 17, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Even though I don't always respond, you know I hold you and your family close to my heart dear (((Frank))).


I know. Thank you, Hon.

I bleed for the poor little man every day. I know every day hurts him. At this point I just hope all this makes him stronger, but, in reality, I know it's wearing down his self-image and confidence. And hope, probably.

And while he sticks up for Paxton sometimes (when Tara isn't on a _total_ rampage), little 3yr-old Landon is learning how to abuse, and Zoey is learning how to manipulate people and how to keep her mouth shut and stay out of trouble but still get what she wants.

Zoey stopped talking, btw. She'll say a word or maybe two now and then, but that's it.

Landon is a tiny guy. The runt of the twins, you might say. He has underdeveloped lungs and heart, and Zoey was diagnosed with autism and PTSD, but Tara denies there's anything wrong with them and refuses to take them to therapy. Because _they're perfect. Paxton's the one who has something wrong with him_.


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## hollydolly (Nov 18, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I know. Thank you, Hon.
> 
> I bleed for the poor little man every day. I know every day hurts him. At this point I just hope all this makes him stronger, but, in reality, I know it's wearing down his self-image and confidence. And hope, probably.
> 
> ...


Y'know , the more you read of this, the more it beggars belief that someone knows exactly the abuse children are going through, and yet nothing .. at least nothing up until now is being done to help these children.

We hear so much in the media when  a child is abused and ultimately dies.. that ''no-one spotted the signs'', and sometimes even a care worker assigned to them overlooked something obvious.. .. and ''lessons will be learned.''.

.. but this case has you Frank, an educated man, a former foster father of one of the currently  abused children .. .. explaining, in _minute_ detail the abuse  from the biological family , and even the results of that abuse.. and STILL there's been barely any intervention..

In the UK in the same circumstances, where no-one is really listening.. we could go to the Media... I feel if there was anything else _you _could do... you would have done it by now... it's just heartbreaking, and shocking to know this is going on.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 18, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Y'know , the more you read of this, the more it beggars belief that someone knows exactly the abuse children are going through, and yet nothing .. at least nothing up until now is being done to help these children.
> 
> We hear so much in the media when  a child is abused and ultimately dies.. that ''no-one spotted the signs'', and sometimes even a care worker assigned to them overlooked something obvious.. .. and ''lessons will be learned.''.
> 
> ...


Court was yesterday. I don't know what happened yet - it's just a little past 6am. I didn't sleep well, and finally got out of bed at about 4. I'll probably get a call from Jackie sometime today, but she's working holiday hours, which is basically all day until about 9pm. I'll call the caseworker, but doubt she'll tell me anything.

Calif family law purports to cherish and protect the family. The family unit; parents and kids equally. Calif doesn't want to be a state that splits families up. It has this reputation for mending families and putting them back together. Looks good on paper. So, court-ordered counseling for Tara and Paxton, so they can, you know, work through their problems, is just as likely as an order to terminate her parental rights.

One thing in Paxton's favor is that Tara's _been_ going to parenting class and mother's counseling for a few months now (that's what she says anyway ). And that's good, because she's obviously failing - well, if you can believe a recording, an ER doctor, and Paxton's teacher. I imagine Tara's counselor gave testimony, too. Probably in the form of a written summary. But Tara puts on a really specific act for counselors and caseworkers and such, and I guess they buy it.

I've seen it and it's stupid. She makes her voice all child-like and weepy, and puts on this _I got a boo-boo_ face, and then her eyes get red and misty like she's on the verge of tears, and sometimes she trembles and gets all breathless. "I...I'm not doing meth, Frank, I.. >sniff< ..I swear I'm not. I s-s-_swear!_ uh-uh-wuaaaah!"

Oh _Gyawd_, it makes me sick!


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## Murrmurr (Nov 18, 2022)

Judge found in favor of CPS - Tara will NOT get Paxton and the twins back !!!

I don't know if he pressed all the charges, or even any of them, but he slapped her with a no-contact order; she is prohibited from any contact with the kids!

Their grandmother, Jackie, wants to be their foster-to-adopt parent but she sold her house to a guy who's evicting her right now.


*Holy Cow!* I just got a text from the twins' former foster parents...they'll be picking up the kids tomorrow! Paxton's new home! These are really good people, and they know everything about Pax, and they know the twins, even tho it's been a while, and they'll visit often! In fact, I told Mel, the foster mom, that we'll take a kid or two whenever her and her husband get overwhelmed (they have 3 little girls of their own) and she said "Oh, good, we were hoping you two could be our 'extra hands'."

Man, this is perfect!


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## dobielvr (Nov 18, 2022)

Omgosh that is such great news!!
They finally (CPS) saw the light.

I wonder what it was that led them to that decision......


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## Jules (Nov 18, 2022)

Finally!  A judge who listened to the honest experts.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 18, 2022)

dobielvr said:


> Omgosh that is such great news!!
> They finally (CPS) saw the light.
> 
> I wonder what it was that led them to that decision......


The court had an audio recording from Jackie's home security of Tara literally abusing Paxton, hitting him, screaming at him and calling him names, plus an ER doctor and Paxton's teacher testified about his bruises and scratches. The doctor said Pax also has older injuries on his spine, skull, and neck that clearly indicate abuse. He took xrays.

edit: and old injuries to his shoulders, too. Tears in the muscle, indicating she yanked him around by his upper arm, the doc said. Paxton told me that she yanked him up and threw him on his bed, and I reported it to his caseworker. That was last year.


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## hollydolly (Nov 18, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Judge found in favor of CPS - Tara will NOT get Paxton and the twins back !!!
> 
> I don't know if he pressed all the charges, or even any of them, but he slapped her with a no-contact order; she is prohibited from any contact with the kids!
> 
> ...


wwwwoooooooooohooooooooooo !! There is a God !!


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## hollydolly (Nov 18, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> The court had an audio recording from Jackie's home security of Tara literally abusing Paxton, hitting him, screaming at him and calling him names, plus an ER doctor and Paxton's teacher testified about his bruises and scratches. The doctor said Pax also has older injuries on his spine, skull, and neck that clearly indicate abuse. He took xrays.


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## Remy (Nov 18, 2022)

So much going on for you @Murrmurr. I'm glad you got moved but sorry about your back. 

This nightmare with the children. Poor Paxton. OMG. This egg doner should not raise children. That act she puts on is familiar though my own mother was not usually physically abusive. But they can turn it on and off in a split second. I'm glad she won't get them. I hope she never does. These children need resiliency to help counter the abuse they have endured. I hope you will be able to see Paxton often.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 18, 2022)

hollydolly said:


>


I know, man. That stuff was really hard to hear. (his gramma read it to me from the court report).

Mel said, if they're not too busy, they'll bring the kids over this weekend. She wants us to be her and Tony's kids' Auntie and Uncle, too.

Tony's out buying beds real quick...


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## Kika (Nov 18, 2022)

The outcome today is so great for all concerned.  You will be involved, the children will have a stable, loving home and everyone will have wonderful holidays.  Congratulations!!!


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## hollydolly (Nov 18, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I know, man. That stuff was really hard to hear. (his gramma read it to me from the court report).
> 
> Mel said, if they're not too busy, they'll bring the kids over this weekend. She wants us to be her and Tony's kids' Auntie and Uncle, too.
> 
> Tony's out buying beds real quick...


Unko Pwank..Unko Pwank... I'm baaaaackkk...   they're going to be words that will bring tears to your eyes...


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## Pinky (Nov 18, 2022)

@Murrmurr 

Hallelujah! At long last, the truth and facts have been _heard and understood _by the right person!
You and Michelle must be overjoyed .. and, I am overjoyed for you.
Many Hugs for you both


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## JaniceM (Nov 18, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Judge found in favor of CPS - Tara will NOT get Paxton and the twins back !!!
> 
> I don't know if he pressed all the charges, or even any of them, but he slapped her with a no-contact order; she is prohibited from any contact with the kids!
> 
> ...


This is absolutely excellent news!  I'm so happy for the children and for you too!


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## Murrmurr (Nov 18, 2022)

Pinky said:


> @Murrmurr
> 
> Hallelujah! At long last, the truth and facts have been _heard and understood _by the right person!
> You and Michelle must be overjoyed .. and, I am overjoyed for you.
> Many Hugs for you both


I can't wait til Meesh gets home. I texted her already and gave her sort of the nutshell version. She's pretty stoked.

Overjoyed is right! I'm just so happy for Paxton.


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## hollydolly (Nov 18, 2022)

I'm just so sorry the children especially Paxton had to go through this Trauma for no reason... , I know he's young and thank goodness that he was no older before he was removed, but as you've said yourself Frank, he's going to be traumatised and untrusting of everyone for a  while.. poor little mite..


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## JaniceM (Nov 18, 2022)

And an especially important thing- the children will all stay together...


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## Murrmurr (Nov 18, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> And an especially important thing- the children will all stay together...


Yeah, I'm glad about that. They've grown really close.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 18, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I'm just so sorry the children especially Paxton had to go through this Trauma for no reason... , I know he's young and thank goodness that he was no older before he was removed, but as you've said yourself Frank, he's going to be traumatised and untrusting of everyone for a  while.. poor little mite..


It's been the stuff of nightmares, literally. It's no freaking wonder he's changed; gotten sullen and angry. It's like night and day. He was such a ray of sunshine when they took him from here. But I know he'll be happy now. Tony's into sports and stuff, and Mel loves being a mom, and they're into educational toys and camping and swimming and all that wholesome stuff. 

Their 6yr-old daughter has never forgotten the twins. She adored them when they were fostered there, so she's pretty thrilled about the whole thing too.


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## RadishRose (Nov 18, 2022)

Doing My Happy Dance!




​


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## RadishRose (Nov 18, 2022)

Thank God those kids are safe now.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 18, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> Thank God those kids are safe now.


I'm so happy I almost can't take it. God, I hope there's not another hearing with another decision. If that witch gets another chance, I'm goin on the lam with 3 tots, I swear. A bald old man with 3 kids under 5 ...right, that won't attract attention.

Maybe they could pass for dwarfs?


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## terry123 (Nov 18, 2022)

So glad to hear this!!!


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## katlupe (Nov 19, 2022)

Such good news! I am so happy for you and especially Paxton. He deserves better.


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## Della (Nov 19, 2022)

I'm so happy to hear this but sad, too, just thinking about what a long hard road it's been for Paxton and the twins and of course all the heartbreak for Frank.

 I hope Tara moves across country, gets a tubal ligation, a job as a stripper, and some big man to try to control and abuse.  Deep down she has to be relieved, she never wanted the work of parenting, she just wanted control. 

May she never darken the children's path again.


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## JaniceM (Nov 19, 2022)

Della said:


> I'm so happy to hear this but sad, too, just thinking about what a long hard road it's been for Paxton and the twins and of course all the heartbreak for Frank.
> 
> I hope Tara moves across country, gets a tubal ligation, a job as a stripper, and some big man to try to control and abuse.  Deep down she has to be relieved, she never wanted the work of parenting, she just wanted control.
> 
> May she never darken the children's path again.


But as there's evidence, why can't she be prosecuted for child abuse??


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## Murrmurr (Nov 19, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> But as there's evidence, why can't she be prosecuted for child abuse??


I don't have many details, but there was this text from Jackie (Pax's gramma) that goes like this: "She still can't see the kids." 

I thought that wording was strange. I think the judge ordered no contact and then set a date for a hearing on the charges. I'm just guessing, though. And CPS/the state feel they have a pretty good case because they placed the kids in a foster-to-adopt situation.

If that's how it went down then the actual trial could be several months away, and Tara could just be on probation until then. And if she's found guilty, the state could ask the judge to give her so-many years of probation and psych counseling or anger management therapy instead of jail time. Judge will probably terminate her parental rights in any case. I don't give a crap about the sentence as long as she loses her parental rights forever.


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## JaniceM (Nov 19, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I don't have many details, but there was this text from Jackie (Pax's gramma) that goes like this: "She still can't see the kids."
> 
> I thought that wording was strange. I think the judge ordered no contact and then set a date for a hearing on the charges. I'm just guessing, though. And CPS/the state feel they have a pretty good case because they placed the kids in a foster-to-adopt situation.
> 
> If that's how it went down then the actual trial could be several months away, and Tara could just be on probation until then. And if she's found guilty, the state could ask the judge to give her so-many years of probation and psych counseling or anger management therapy instead of jail time. Judge will probably terminate her parental rights in any case. I don't give a crap about the sentence as long as she loses her parental rights forever.


True, no longer having access to the children should be the #1 priority.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 19, 2022)

Della said:


> I'm so happy to hear this but sad, too, just thinking about what a long hard road it's been for Paxton and the twins and of course all the heartbreak for Frank.
> 
> I hope Tara moves across country, gets a tubal ligation, a job as a stripper, and some big man to try to control and abuse.  Deep down she has to be relieved, she never wanted the work of parenting, she just wanted control.
> 
> May she never darken the children's path again.


Two years ago (almost to the day) Tara was about to get custody of her kids. This was after the 1st time CPS took them. Paxton was 2 1/2 and had been living here since he was a newborn. Tara knew he was extremely attached to me, and at that time, she just wanted the twins, who were about 18 months old.

I told Tara that I'd raise Paxton, that she could just _not_ pick him up on the date the court said she could go get her kids and take 'em home. I told her, maybe he'll want to go live with her when he's 8, or 10, or 13, and when that time came, I'd let him (if it was safe).

She agreed to that! We had that agreement. But we also agreed not to tell anyone except close family. But she told her social worker. She was being altruistic....she was gonna be getting food stamps, and she said she only needed them for 2 kids, not 3. That messed everything up. The court ordered her to come and get Paxton.

So you see, she never really wanted him. She wanted me to keep him, she just didn't want him to call me Dad, is all.

Yeah, she treats them like pets.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 19, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> True, no longer having access to the children should be the #1 priority.


Their new foster parents are friends of mine. They'll keep me updated on court-related stuff. 

CPS usually keeps foster parents in the dark, but since this is a possible adoption, they'll probably keep Mel and Tony informed of all the legal matters. And Mel and Tony will keep me informed because they know I can keep my mouth shut.


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## Pepper (Nov 19, 2022)

​


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## Tish (Nov 19, 2022)

*Sigh* It really breaks my heart to hear of Paxton's injuries, but it also has me enraged that his teacher reports to CPS were ignored. 

Congratulation on your new house.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 19, 2022)

Tish said:


> *Sigh* It really breaks my heart to hear of Paxton's injuries, but *it also has me enraged that his teacher reports to CPS were ignored*.
> 
> Congratulation on your new house.


For MONTHS. Many months, in fact. And her most recent report was called in the day before Jackie called the police after she saw her home security video. Cops sent the vid to CPS and that's when they finally did something. ...because a cop had seen it?


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## Tish (Nov 20, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> For MONTHS. Many months, in fact. And her most recent report was called in the day before Jackie called the police after she saw her home security video. Cops sent the vid to CPS and that's when they finally did something. ...because a cop had seen it?


Oh God Frank, that is absolutely horrible, how can they justify being so negligent? 
That poor little guy, it just breaks my heart.


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## Pepper (Nov 21, 2022)

Poor kids, caught up in such drama at such a young age.  They need peace and stability and hope that's granted to them.  Thank you Frank for your Big


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## Murrmurr (Nov 21, 2022)

Mel, Paxton's foster mom, asked his new caseworker if they can bring him to visit me and if it's ok for him to talk to me on the phone. The thing that pisses me off about that is the actual caseworker is on vacation and the back-up worker doesn't want to "go out on a limb." I don't blame Mel for asking, she wants to keep the kids, and so she's being a good team-player.

But it could be weeks before the worker gets back to her. This person is newly assigned and went on vacation a day or 2 after CPS took the kids, so when she gets back, she's gonna have to review the whole case, hearings and all.

Mel said in a text that Paxton asked about me as soon as they got to her house. I told her to let him know I'm a dear friend of hers and Tony's. She text again that she told Paxton that and he started singing a song called "I'm So Happy."

She told the worker that when she asked if he could call and/or visit me. And yet.....

Mel also text me on Sunday morning saying Paxton had nightmares Saturday night, and asked if there's anything she could do. Paxton has had nightmares or night-terrors, since infancy, so it might be a brain chemistry imbalance due to prenatal drug exposure, and maybe the actual terror from abuse and watching his parent's horrible fights exacerbate that, or keep the brain chemistry from becoming balanced naturally.

I told her I rocked him until he was 2, of course, and when I only had him on weekends (sometimes 4-days long) I started laying down next to him and used white-noise from a fan, this stuffed bear that projects stars onto the ceiling, and sometimes gentle music. That worked until the abuse got worse. Then all I could do was hold him and let him cry and tell him I was sorry, and he's so brave, and I love him, and I was trying to help him.

When I do finally get to see him, unsupervised, I'm going to explain how Family Court and CPS works. I'll explain it at his 4yr-old level. In fact, I found a few videos that do that, but they make both systems sound unquestionably ethical and even care free, so I'm gonna explain it from a much more realistic perspective. He has to know I tried to keep him safe, despite what we're up against, and that I'll keep trying because he's worth it; he's a good boy, and smart and talented and 100% lovable.

I'm also gonna tell him that I totally believe Mel and Tony feel the same way.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 21, 2022)

In other news:

My back is not much better and it's effecting my legs. I even fell down a couple days ago when my legs suddenly went weak, like they just turned off. I was outside, fell against a brick border and buggered up my knee pretty good.

I haven't rested my back enough. I keep finding stuff to do around the house and in the yards (or, for my UK friends; the gardens). So I'm going to work harder at not working too hard.

By next spring, I want to have assembled a small swing set and built a teeter-totter, and we're gonna buy a kiddie pool. I like the ones that convert to a sandbox. Or maybe we'll just get a sandbox, because, imo, running through a sprinkler is way more fun than sitting in a little pool. So, yeah, if anything, it'll be a sandbox. Ooh! Better yet, a tree house! Our orange tree is really big and chunky. I'm going to test it out to see if it's strong enough for a tree-house! It's about 10 years old, so I bet it is.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 21, 2022)

Tish said:


> Oh God Frank, that is absolutely horrible, *how can they justify being so negligent?*
> That poor little guy, it just breaks my heart.


There _is_ no justification as far as I'm concerned. I'm 100% convinced both systems, Family Court and CPS, are tax-dollar greedy and flat-out dishonest.

You can multiply Paxton by millions. Every single year, children's protective and social services messes up millions of kids, babies to teens. The suicide rate, the substance addiction rate, and the crime and incarceration rate for foster kids and former foster kids are all disproportionately high. The system _literally_ produces people with mental illness, substance dependency, and criminal tendencies. But popular politicians don't talk about these numbers, and popular media very rarely publishes them.


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## Pinky (Nov 21, 2022)

@Murrmurr 

How maddening that the system is as screwed up as it is, when young lives are at stake.

It's so heartening that Paxton wants to see you so badly. With your love, love from his new family and home, he will pull through.

As for _you_ ... PLEASE don't over-tax yourself physically. I know you're excited being in your new house,
but things can wait to be done.


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## JaniceM (Nov 21, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Mel, Paxton's foster mom, asked his new caseworker if they can bring him to visit me and if it's ok for him to talk to me on the phone. The thing that pisses me off about that is the actual caseworker is on vacation and the back-up worker doesn't want to "go out on a limb." I don't blame Mel for asking, she wants to keep the kids, and so she's being a good team-player.
> 
> But it could be weeks before the worker gets back to her. This person is newly assigned and went on vacation a day or 2 after CPS took the kids, so when she gets back, she's gonna have to review the whole case, hearings and all.
> 
> ...


This didn't occur to me til I received an email newsletter, it was about California but the problem is much more widespread..  I don't mean to butt in, but knowing you have Paxton's best interests in mind, PLEASE advise his foster parents to not allow that little boy and his twin siblings to become victims of psychatric drugging..  certainly they've all been through a lot, but this all-too-popular practice (especially among foster children) is NOT the way to address it...


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## Murrmurr (Nov 21, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> This didn't occur to me til I received an email newsletter, it was about California but the problem is much more widespread..  I don't mean to butt in, but knowing you have Paxton's best interests in mind, PLEASE advise his foster parents to not allow that little boy and his twin siblings to become victims of psychatric drugging..  certainly they've all been through a lot, but this all-too-popular practice (especially among foster children) is NOT the way to address it...


We actually talked about that when she was foster mom to the twins (infancy to 18mo/old). They were born underdeveloped and developmental milestones were delayed. The CPS social worker suspected Little Zoey was autistic, so they talked to Mel & Tony about therapies and medications.

Mel & Tony are both nurses. She's a hospital RN, he's in diagnostics (like, imaging and testing). So neither of them like the idea of putting kids on medication, but they have the knowledge to know when it's truly needed and that it's almost a always temporary treatment.

That said, she told me they won't even consider giving Paxton a sleep medication of any sort. She agrees with me that there's a 95% likelihood the nightmares will go away when he feels safe.


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## JaniceM (Nov 22, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> We actually talked about that when she was foster mom to the twins (infancy to 18mo/old). They were born underdeveloped and developmental milestones were delayed. The CPS social worker suspected Little Zoey was autistic, so they talked to Mel & Tony about therapies and medications.
> 
> Mel & Tony are both nurses. She's a hospital RN, he's in diagnostics (like, imaging and testing). So neither of them like the idea of putting kids on medication, but they have the knowledge to know when it's truly needed and that it's almost a always temporary treatment.
> 
> That said, she told me they won't even consider giving Paxton a sleep medication of any sort. She agrees with me that there's a 95% likelihood the nightmares will go away when he feels safe.


Again, I don't mean to interefere.. but when kids are put on psych meds it's NOT 'temporary.'


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## Murrmurr (Nov 22, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> Again, I don't mean to interefere.. but when kids are put on psych meds it's NOT 'temporary.'


For tots, it is. ...or, it's supposed to be. Very young children can only be prescribed "mild" psych drugs in extreme cases of abuse, and only while they are getting psych therapy/counseling. It's not common, but psych drugs are sometimes prescribed for very young victims of sekshual abuse, physical abuse, or environmental deprivation ("caged kids").

Mel & Tony know this. All prospective foster parents have to take that class. You can't get licensed without it. They also know CPS fails badly at monitoring the medications of kids in the system. Unfortunately, foster parents only learn that part through experience.

PS, You're not interfering. I appreciate your input!


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## Murrmurr (Nov 27, 2022)

Paxton's father is in jail. Arrested last Friday night on 4 charges of robbery and 1 charge of attempted robbery. This guy, man. I don't get why in hell he craps on every opportunity that comes his way. He was lucky enough to be accepted into a really promising job-training program, on track to become a well-paid state employee in California's transportation department. He was becoming liked by CPS - personally liked, because he's very likeable. He had fairly liberal visitation, and CPS was considering letting him have his kids on weekends.

None of that's gonna happen now. If he's found guilty, he'll immediately lose his parental rights. That will help Tara lose hers, because CPS is a believer in guilt by association. He'll be in prison for years...if guilty. That will effect his kids self-image, self-esteem. Paxton was already being torn down every single day by his evil mother.


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## Pepper (Nov 27, 2022)

If it helps free the children.........

Reminds me of my maternal grandfather, Willie the Bum.  He wasn't a criminal though.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 27, 2022)

Pepper said:


> If it helps free the children.........
> 
> Reminds me of my maternal grandfather, Willie the Bum.  He wasn't a criminal though.


I can't get over how freaking stupid this guy is. He threw away a great future that totally included his kids. And in the process, totally f**ked his kids' psyche, and possibly _their_ futures.


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## Pepper (Nov 27, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I can't get over how freaking stupid this guy is. He threw away a great future that totally included his kids. And in the process, totally f**ked his kids' psyche, and possibly _their_ futures.


Because this dope thought he wouldn't get caught.

eta
The dope had too much hope


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## Jules (Nov 27, 2022)

Robbery?  Did he use a weapon?


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## RadishRose (Nov 27, 2022)

My goodness, WTH is wrong with him?


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## Pepper (Nov 27, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> My goodness, WTH is wrong with him?


Can't face reality.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 27, 2022)

Jules said:


> Robbery?  Did he use a weapon?


I don't know. I'll look up "robbery" and find out.


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## RadishRose (Nov 27, 2022)

That would be armed robbery.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 27, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Can't face reality.


That's it exactly. Just so mind-blowing because I've known this guy for years and he comes across as a really nice guy, a decent person who's made common mistakes and was climbing up from them. And he seemed so sincere about bettering himself, and like it was for his kids' sake. I'm just really disappointed.

But futch 'im. Freakin idiot.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 27, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> That would be armed robbery.


Ah yeah. Thanks!


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## Murrmurr (Nov 27, 2022)

Jules said:


> Robbery?  Did he use a weapon?


Per website Find Law:

"Robbery is theft accomplished by violence or the threat of violence. Unlike theft or burglary, the crime of robbery almost always requires the presence of a victim who is threatened with bodily harm. If a weapon is used, or the victim suffers an injury, the robbery may be charged as 'armed' or 'aggravated' robbery. The element of force sits at the core of the crime of robbery..."

So, an idiot and a scumbag.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 27, 2022)

Pepper said:


> *If it helps free the children.........*
> 
> Reminds me of my maternal grandfather, Willie the Bum.  He wasn't a criminal though.


Yes, the farther removed from their parents, the better off the kids are.

I've been waiting for *permission* to see Paxton since the 7th. His father's had regular visitation since the 8th.

The foster mom said Paxton asks for Unko Fwank e-v-e-r-y day. She feels sad for both me and him. If I don't get a call from the caseworker on Monday, I'm gonna call the director of CPS. She and I have spoken before, once when I complained that no one was listening to me about the abuse. That particular conversation was 2 years ago, but I'm sure she'll remember me.


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## dobielvr (Nov 27, 2022)

So, mommy and daddy can't get their sheet together....
Sounds like they weren't meant to be parents.


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## Pinky (Nov 27, 2022)

I don't know how you keep your patience, Murr. I would be pulling my hair out.

Here's hoping Paxton gets his wish to see you, very soon.


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## RadishRose (Nov 27, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Robbery......almost always requires the presence of a victim who is threatened with bodily harm


We learned in the insurance company..."you burgle a building, but you rob Bob."


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## Murrmurr (Nov 27, 2022)

Pinky said:


> I don't know how you keep your patience, Murr. I would be pulling my hair out.
> 
> Here's hoping Paxton gets his wish to see you, very soon.


If I weren't bald....


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## Murrmurr (Nov 27, 2022)

dobielvr said:


> So, mommy and daddy can't get their sheet together....
> Sounds like they weren't meant to be parents.


I'd love to tell the court "Told you so!"


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## dobielvr (Nov 27, 2022)

dobielvr said:


> So, mommy and daddy can't get their sheet together....
> Sounds like they weren't meant to be parents.


I apologize.
That wasn't a very nice thing to say.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 28, 2022)

dobielvr said:


> I apologize.
> That wasn't a very nice thing to say.


I've said much worse. And you're right; they weren't meant to be parents. They shouldn't be parents. They make a good argument for forced sterilization.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 28, 2022)

dobielvr said:


> I apologize.
> That wasn't a very nice thing to say.


I'd love to tell the court "Told you so!"

What I meant is, I've been telling CPS and Family Court that Paxton's mom is abusive for 2 years. I've sent them photos of his injuries, and they were bad. I wrote letters, made phone calls, filed complaints, and none of them did anything except ask his mother "Do you hit Paxton?" As if she'd say "Are you kidding? I beat the crap out of him." And prohibit me from seeing him; they did that, too.

I'd love to get in the face of the judge who's given her 3 chances....so far.


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## Blessed (Nov 28, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I'd love to tell the court "Told you so!"
> 
> What I meant is, I've been telling CPS and Family Court Paxton's mom is abusive for 2 years. I've sent them photos of his injuries, and they were bad. I wrote letters, made phone calls, filed complaints, and none of them did anything except ask his mother "Do you hit Paxton?" As if she'd say "Are you kidding? I beat the crap out of him."
> 
> I'd love to get in the face of the judge who's given her 3 chances....so far.



At this point it won't make a difference.  What counts is you know where he is, the family that may become his forever family that will include you in his life.  They know how much you mean to this precious child. I would still say you should put your name down for adoption if things go wrong with the other family!


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## Jules (Nov 28, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I'd love to get in the face of the judge who's given her 3 chances....so far.


Are Family Court judges in CA elected positions.  You could work for whomever is running against her next time.


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## JaniceM (Dec 14, 2022)

Any updates??


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## Murrmurr (Dec 14, 2022)

Jules said:


> Are Family Court judges in CA elected positions.  You could work for whomever is running against her next time.


No, they're appointed. I think only State Supreme Ct judges are elected by the public.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 15, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> Any updates??


I got pictures of a very smiley Paxton. His foster mom sent them via text. I can't post them. The state forbids it until after he's legally adopted. But he looks really happy. His foster parents said he's "such a sweet boy". They took my advice on how to help him sleep better - he was having nightmares - and they said it helped a lot.

His foster mom came over on Tue to pick up bags of clothes, socks, underwear, and Paxton's favorite toys, his tricycle, and his electronics...tablet, keyboard, and learning toys. The clothes were for all 3 kids; their grandma brought them over. Their foster mom sent me pictures of them playing with the toys. They looked excited.

CPS scheduled a visit!! I got a call saying I can see the kids on the 21st for a 1-hr supervised visit. 

This happened the day after I left a message with the Director of Social Services of Amador County. These are Amador's case visits, but they're held at Sacramento County's visitors center so that the foster parents don't have to drive 65 miles to Jackson. But I'm almost 100% certain that the person who supervises the visits is an Amador County CPS worker. I really, really hope so, because that person has to write a report about the visit, and when that person sees how Paxton reacts when he spots me walking toward the visiting room (which has glass walls), I know they're going to included it in their report. He's gonna lose his mind, like he always does when he hasn't been able to see me for a while.

His reaction will no doubt result in me & Meesh being able to visit him and the twins at the foster home, and them visiting us here...unsupervised. Not very long ago, *I* supervised certain people who visited Paxton.

But I still want to know why the long wait, why I had to go over people's heads, and why I have to be supervised. They act like I held the bag open while his dad emptied the cash registers of those liquor stores.


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## JaniceM (Dec 15, 2022)

I'm really glad to hear he's doing well.. and the other kids, too.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 20, 2022)

I get to see Paxton tomorrow. It'll be great seeing the twins, too. It's at the stupid visitors center, but I'm still stoked. Not gonna sleep well tonight but that's ok. I'll just look older and more worn out than usual. Maybe that'll make the staff say "We should let that poor old guy visit these kids at home."

I don't think I mentioned that my back specialist had new imaging done for a closer look at the tumor on my spine. As one of Schwarzenegger's most quoted quips goes, it's not a tumor. Doc said it could be an artifact, something stuck to the table or the gown or whatever. So, one less thing. Always good. But also one less reason for another back surgery, and I'd kind of like to have one.

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. Fingers crossed it will be the only visit at the visitors center, and that all subsequent visits are at either my house or theirs.


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## Jules (Dec 20, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I'll just look older and more worn out than usual.


Just give that great big smile and hug when you see Paxton and they’ll see the real you!


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## Pinky (Dec 20, 2022)

@Murrmurr 
I'm so very excited for you, and know how happy Paxton will be to see you. 
Hopefully, his reaction will be duly noted. It's time you two were able to see one another more often.
Enjoy your time together.


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## RadishRose (Dec 20, 2022)

Have a great time!


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## palides2021 (Dec 20, 2022)

Glad you're seeing Paxton tomorrow and that he's in a good foster home. Even better is your spine not having a tumor. Wonderful news overall!


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## terry123 (Dec 21, 2022)

Great news!  Enjoy your visit!!  So happy for you!!


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## Murrmurr (Dec 21, 2022)

Well, the whole building heard Paxton yell "Unco Fwank!" when he spotted me. The visit supervisor was indeed a caseworker at Amador County. She was pretty stunned that my visit had to be supervised. She told that to the kids' foster mom, Melanie, and Melanie said "Nobody understands it. I think he and Michelle should be able to have them on some weekends and overnight." The worker said she'll recommend "liberal, unsupervised visitation" in her report.

Paxton came running to me, and the twins were right behind him, all of them yelling "Unco Fwank!" Paxton jumped in my lap and the twins huddled against my chest, all smiles and giggles. My visit was from 11 to noon so I packed us a lunch and brought a jug of chocolate milk. Paxton picked out a book that was there and I read to them. Paxton could recognize 14 words when the court gave him to his mom, when he was 2 1/2. He's forgotten. We went over some letter sounds but I didn't push it. He'll get it back; his love of learning. 

He told me how his mom hurt him and I told him he doesn't have to worry about that now. He can relax and have a good time. He said he's happy at Melanie's but he misses me all the time. I told him I'm going to come to his house and he can come to mine, too. (Paxton's new bike arrived yesterday so I planned to visit them at Melanie's on Saturday whether their caseworker said it was ok or not, and it's not like I'd have been arrested or something.)

Great visit! But now it's nap time...for me.


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## Pinky (Dec 21, 2022)

@Murrmurr 
Awwww, I have tears in my eyes .. I feel that, from now on, things are going to get so much better.


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## Jules (Dec 21, 2022)

Pinky said:


> @Murrmurr
> Awwww, I have tears in my eyes .. I feel that, from now on, things are going to get so much better.


Agreed.  For Frank and Paxton.  Finally!


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## terry123 (Dec 21, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Well, the whole building heard Paxton yell "Unco Fwank!" when he spotted me. The visit supervisor was indeed a caseworker at Amador County. She was pretty stunned that my visit had to be supervised. She told that to the kids' foster mom, Melanie, and Melanie said "Nobody understands it. I think he and Michelle should be able to have them on some weekends and overnight." The worker said she'll recommend "liberal, unsupervised visitation" in her report.
> 
> Paxton came running to me, and the twins were right behind him, all of them yelling "Unco Fwank!" Paxton jumped in my lap and the twins huddled against my chest, all smiles and giggles. My visit was from 11 to noon so I packed us a lunch and brought a jug of chocolate milk. Paxton picked out a book that was there and I read to them. Paxton could recognize 14 words when the court gave him to his mom, when he was 2 1/2. He's forgotten. We went over some letter sounds but I didn't push it. He'll get it back; his love of learning.
> 
> ...


What a great visit, Murr.  An early gift for you!


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## katlupe (Dec 22, 2022)

I am so happy for you and Paxton! Now you can all get back to living life and hopefully his mother is out of their lives.


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## Lewkat (Dec 22, 2022)

So glad it turned out well for all of you Murr.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 22, 2022)

Lewkat said:


> So glad it turned out well for all of you Murr.


Their mother had court yesterday. The caseworker isn't gonna tell me how that went but the Foster mom and grandmother will, soon as they know. The issue is whether the home security video shows abuse or just bad parenting; it shows her hitting Paxton, screaming at him, and taunting him and calling him names. It also shows a fight between the mother and father with a lot of swearing.

If the judge judges those actions as abusive, s/he will terminate the mother's parental rights and possibly charge her criminally. If not, s/he'll order parenting classes, anger management classes, and a psych assessment, and then treatment if that results in a diagnosis. If the mother is still "eligible for services", taxpayers will cover all that. If not, she has to. And if SHE has to, she just might. She really wants to win this case, not to get her kids back, but because she despises the foster mother, "Mel".

Mel was the twins' NICU nurse. They were born early, underdeveloped even for being early, meth in their systems, one to the point of requiring withdrawal, and had to be on breathing machines. When they were strong enough to go to a medically equipped home, Mel volunteered to foster them. They were returned to their mother 18 months later, shortly before their second birthday.

Paxton went, too, of course. I was his foster dad from when he was about a month old until a few months before he turned 3. For the kids it was an unjust, environmentally jolting, and just plain bad reunification, and crushing for us fosters, too. But we'd become friends, which is working out to be a great thing right now. Mel's husband Tony and I get along great, and my wife, Michelle came along at the tail end of all this, but she and Mel became fast friends, and we feel like one big family.

Mel & Tony have 3 daughters of their own, so a total of 6 kids now. I just know Michelle's gonna be in heaven when they all come to visit Uncle Frank and Auntie Meesh (she had to have a hysterectomy when she was 26, i think...or 28, so no kids).


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## Lewkat (Dec 22, 2022)

If the judge does not adjudicate their mother as being unfit from what you say here, Frank, he/she needs his/her head examined.  No child should be in an atmosphere such as this.  Here, in NJ, they'd be in a foster home system in a NY minute.

Prayers that this all turns out well for those children.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 27, 2022)

My supervised visit schedule for January was emailed to me...one visit, mid-month. 

You know how you can fill with rage so immediately and thoroughly you can't see straight? So yeah, I don't remember the exact date, but it's 1 visit for 1 hour for the whole month.

I called the caseworker and had a stroke of luck....she was there. But she's adamant that nothing's going to change because she's a new caseworker under a new supervisor and a new administrative assistant. And all these people have to start over.

I probably shouldn't have called while I was still angry.


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## Jules (Dec 27, 2022)

Bloody h*ll!  What a stupid system.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 27, 2022)

Jules said:


> Bloody h*ll!  What a stupid system.


I'm thinking it's time to talk to an attorney.

This is a CPS guideline right out of their book: "...children with frequent family contact while in foster care experience improved emotional well-being and positive adjustment to placement."


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## Pinky (Dec 27, 2022)

Who writes these assinine rules?


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## Murrmurr (Dec 27, 2022)

Pinky said:


> Who writes these assinine rules?


Actually, that one - _frequent family contact while in foster care improves children's emotional well-being_ - that's a good rule. That one's basically saying foster kids need to see family, and I consider myself family....but maybe CPS doesn't. 

Although, I was Paxton's dad, essentially, and all 3 of the kids call me uncle, and that particular guideline refers to "extended family" which according to CPS includes important people in their lives, like teachers and so on. So I'm sure it applies.


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## Pinky (Dec 27, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Actually, that one - _frequent family contact while in foster care improves children's emotional well-being_ - that's a good rule. That one's basically saying foster kids need to see family, and I consider myself family....but maybe CPS doesn't.
> 
> Although, I was Paxton's dad, essentially, and all 3 of the kids call me uncle, and that particular guideline refers to "extended family" which according to CPS includes important people in their lives, like teachers and so on. So I'm sure it applies.


I didn't mean _that _rule .. sorry, should had been more specific.
One hour, once a month


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## Murrmurr (Dec 27, 2022)

Pinky said:


> I didn't mean _that _rule .. sorry, should had been more specific.
> One hour, once a month


Ah yeah! One hour a month! That's crazy stupid.


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## Pepper (Dec 27, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I'm thinking it's time to talk to an attorney.
> 
> This is a CPS guideline right out of their book: "...children with frequent family contact while in foster care experience improved emotional well-being and positive adjustment to placement."


Yes, this is an excellent idea.  Family Law.  I used to work in Family Court.  Extended family visitation cases were not unheard of.  A poor unfortunate might have had me in locum (loco!) advocatus, as a paralegal was allowed to do that in NYS Family Court.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 2, 2023)

I took our Christmas tree down yesterday. I'm disappointed Paxton didn't get to see it. He has 2 favorite ornaments. One's a tiny bear on a tiny golden swing and the other is a little farm boy holding a bushel of apples. I also put out photos of my grandkids with Santa, and of Paxton with Santa on his first and second Christmases. He's familiar with these things, and I wanted him to see them.

I showed them to him when we had face-time, but the twins were on too, and his foster mom and a foster sister who's his age, so there were a lot of distractions. I could tell he wasn't happy about that.

I contacted my attorney. He's looking into it; looking to see if there's anything I can do besides complain. He'll get back to me.

Paxton stammers horribly. It's severe. He already stuttered. That started a couple months after the first reunification. So he stutters, stammers, and his speech is as bad as when he first started talking, so he's really hard to understand. You struggle to understand what he's saying as much as he struggles to say it, and his worker STILL hasn't gotten him a speech therapist. And he'll be 5 in June. That means he probably won't start kindergarten until 2024, and that's good. Gives him time to catch up.

And the quicker I get unsupervised visits at my house, the quicker he'll catch up. I kept all his favorite beginner-reader books and one of his educational toys, a Leap-Frog device that teaches word recognition and simple math and stuff.


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## Blessed (Jan 2, 2023)

If his new family is new a good school district they will make sure he gets speech therapy. My son had trouble with his r and s sounds, he got the therapy he needed along with work at home and it cleared up really quickly.  I know Pax will be fine once his world is stable and secure.

I feel for you, I would be crushed if a child was taken from me.  I often worry if something happens between my son and his wife, would I lose my grandson?
He is not my son's bio child but we have been in his life since he was six months old.  They lived with me for 3 1/2 years, he just sees me as grandma, I never want to lose that.  Hopefully, everything will fall into place and you will get time alone with Paxton and the twins.


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## Pinky (Jan 2, 2023)

I hope Pax's new family will agree to some one-on-one Facetime between him and you. They should
understand that's what he needs.

Are you privy to knowing how all else is going with him, in relation to family dynamics?


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## Murrmurr (Jan 2, 2023)

Pinky said:


> I hope Pax's new family will agree to some one-on-one Facetime between him and you. They should
> understand that's what he needs.
> 
> Are you privy to knowing how all else is going with him, in relation to family dynamics?


His current foster parents and I have been friends for 3 years, ever since they fostered the twins (from birth to 18mo), so they let us have face-time twice so far, and they're anxious for unsupervised visitation too. 

They have Paxton and the twins, 3 children of their own, and they're fostering an infant, so they've got 7 kids, and the oldest is only 9. So we told them we'll babysit any of them at any time, and have them for weekends and overnights, and we planned to get together on holidays and birthdays...we were going to be family.

I'm gonna ask her if CPS said no more face-time, but I think probly the foster parents are just too busy.

Foster mom is "Mel" and foster dad is "Tony." After the second time CPS took the kids and they were placed into a foster home in another county, me and Mel & Tony met for lunch at least once a month, and Tony has come to some of my nephew's ball games to watch me coach. and we mostly talk about Pax and the twins. 

So, yeah, they keep in touch about how the kids are doing now, and Mel asks me for advice sometimes; like what works for Paxton's nightmares, what kind of food he likes, what kind of music and stuff like that. And they keep telling the CPS worker about my history with Paxton, and that I'm a good guy and they don't understand why I can't see the kids. They get the same excuse I do...."we must keep the children safe."


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## Pinky (Jan 2, 2023)

CPS should be listening more to Pax's adoptive parents. They would know best what his needs are.
The system seems to require a big overhaul.

It's great that "Mel" and "Tony" are your close acquaintances.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 2, 2023)

Pinky said:


> CPS should be listening more to Pax's adoptive parents. They would know best what his needs are.
> The system seems to require a big overhaul.
> 
> It's great that "Mel" and "Tony" are your close acquaintances.


Yeah, the whole system needs a complete overhaul. Amador County CPS is particularly bad. They've had to go to court several times over the past 2 decades for actual criminal activity. 

And Paxton's first CPS caseworker in Amador was fired for literally doing nothing. Pax was supposed to be getting mental health counseling with a child-psychologist, him and his mother were supposed to get bonding classes, and she was supposed to go to parenting classes, but the worker just stuck all the requests in their files instead of sending them on for approval and action. Plus, she didn't sign and return Paxton's mother's applications for 3 different apartments...just stuck 'em in mother's file. And this went on for over 6 months, so her supervisor was fired, too....for literally doing nothing.

If you ask me, the current caseworker is doing nothing as well. Seems to be a systemic problem.


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## Pepper (Jan 3, 2023)

"If you ask me, the current caseworker is doing nothing as well. Seems to be a systemic problem."

When I would visit CPS offices due to my job in foster care & adoption I was astounded as to how many cases each worker was assigned.  The average, as I recall, was 600! cases per worker and this was in the 1970's.  I imagine it's worse now, not better.  Overwhelmed, they were overwhelmed.  Even the most caring worker was swamped to the point of madness.

Definitely not shielding your worker.  You're right, it's systemic.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 3, 2023)

Pepper said:


> "If you ask me, the current caseworker is doing nothing as well. Seems to be a systemic problem."
> 
> When I would visit CPS offices due to my job in foster care & adoption I was astounded as to how many cases each worker was assigned.  The average, as I recall, was 600! cases per worker and this was in the 1970's.  I imagine it's worse now, not better.  Overwhelmed, they were overwhelmed.  Even the most caring worker was swamped to the point of madness.
> 
> Definitely not shielding your worker.  You're right, it's systemic.


That's why I try to stay calm and work with Paxton's worker. It's really hard to not get angry when I talk to her on the phone, especially when she gets smug with me, and she does almost every time. My voice gets kinda shaky, so I know she knows she's pissing me off - actually, I think she likes it. I think she _wants_ me to flip out and call her an effin lazy-arse byitch, then she could just stamp "no contact" on my arse and be done with it.

But anyway, yeah, nation-wide, Child Protective Services needs better training, much better pay, and improved departmental and inter-departmental communication and coordination. And that will entice more and better employees.

Amador County is underpopulated. It's in the foothills. It's seemingly endless miles of forest hills and sloping fields dotted with farms and quaint villages. It's also where you'll find rednecks, pot growers, and meth-heads...there's not a whole lot to do there besides hunt squirrels, go camping, and hang out at Lake Almanor. Since that's how it is, Amador County CPS probably has a fairly big caseload, but Sacramento County's is probably 10 times larger, and that's probably not an exaggeration, but Sac Co CPS is way more organized, caring and efficient.

Paxton loved when his Sacramento caseworker visited us, and she seemed to enjoy it too, but I know dang well she visited dozens of other kids on the same days, and no doubt ones that broke her heart. It's a heart-wrenching job that probably seems futile, and the workers get cussed out a lot by a bunch of state leeches who feed their babies a steady diet of chicken McNuggets and soda pop. They deserve better pay and better training and better support within their various departments.


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## Trish (Jan 4, 2023)

Murrmurr said:


> That's why I try to stay calm and work with Paxton's worker. It's really hard to not get angry when I talk to her on the phone, especially when she gets smug with me, and she does almost every time. My voice gets kinda shaky, so I know she knows she's pissing me off - actually, I think she likes it. I think she _wants_ me to flip out and call her an effin lazy-arse byitch, then she could just stamp "no contact" on my arse and be done with it.
> 
> But anyway, yeah, nation-wide, Child Protective Services needs better training, much better pay, and improved departmental and inter-departmental communication and coordination. And that will entice more and better employees.
> 
> ...


.... and when the kids grow up they repeat all that they have learned and the kids of the kids who never had a chance just continue it on.  

Sometimes though, someone who can make all the difference comes along, someone like you, your wife and Paxton and the twins' new family.  However frustrating it must seem at times, you know you are making a difference and they (especially Paxton) will always remember that.


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