# True Bar Stories ..



## BlunderWoman (Apr 7, 2016)

Ok here's the bubble gum one...I'll try and tame it down..

One of the regular married barfly's came in with a big old purple eye. So I said OMG what the heck happened to you? She says "My husband caught me cheating last night." So I say " Dang woman you took him to your house?" She says " No it was in the car in the parking lot." So I say " Did your husband drive up on you?" She says " No it was the bubble gum." I say " The bubble gum? What the hell? What does that mean?" She says " You know there was bubble gum down there." The guy at the end of the bar heard it all and sat silent. When this other guy came out of the bathroom he said " Hey Doug, did you lose your bubblegum last night?" So Doug was known as 'Bubbles' forevermore.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 7, 2016)

*The Pity Sex Guy..*

I really hated this guy most of all I think. He would walk past a woman and actually tear up and say " I'm sorry for staring. It's just that you look so much like my wife that passed away 6 months ago. Can I buy you a drink?" Then the women will say something like " Oh..you poor thing...yes sit down..it's okay." Then he would begin his slimey reel and it worked quite often. Occasionally  he would go to the john & if I thought the woman was sober enough I would tell her " Look if I get caught doing this I will lose my job I'm trying to help you..his wife is ALIVE. He's a LIAR. He's married..RUN..."

OK Phil your turn..


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## vickyNightowl (Apr 7, 2016)

BW,I can't imagine what youu have seen and heard,lol


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## Wrigley's (Apr 7, 2016)

Lol!!


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## Guitarist (Apr 7, 2016)

Oh, never mind ...


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## Wrigley's (Apr 7, 2016)

Guitarist said:


> And there I was, peacefully looking at Quarter Horses for sale, and saw this thread title, and thought, "True Bar" -- great Quarter Horse name!
> 
> OK, maybe you have to be a QH person to get it ...
> 
> OK, back to the Quarter Horses ...



And how about Lost My Bubblegum?


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## Shalimar (Apr 7, 2016)

Oh lord, W. lolol.


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## Guitarist (Apr 7, 2016)

Wrigley's said:


> And how about Lost My Bubblegum?



Big horselaugh, Wrigley's.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 7, 2016)

vickyNightowl said:


> BW,I can't imagine what youu have seen and heard,lol



Too much Vicky, too much lol  The worst part being when my friends expected me to go to a bar on my night off . NOPE. That would have been like not having a night off at all.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

*The 'You're Beautiful' Guy*

This was a very sweet guy who was not the sharpest crayon in the box. He was sweet though, so you kinda felt bad for not liking him. Why did I not like him?...
He came in sharp every day after work about 5:30 pm. He would pull up a stool and say " Hello beautiful." I would give him his drink. When other people would pull up a stool he would turn to them and say " Isn't she beautiful?" After two drinks.. " God you're pretty. Did I tell you that you're beautiful?" And this would go on until closing time every single night. It was like water torture. I lost my mind and snapped one night " Bill! You said I'm beautiful you said it you said it if I hear it again I will go insane! Completely insane! Please stop!" Then I felt bad because I hurt his feelings. It was awful.


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## Shalimar (Apr 8, 2016)

BW, I get it. I really do. I absolutely go postal when peeps repeat the same thing ad infinitum. Gaaaaah!


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## Wrigley's (Apr 8, 2016)

Men who keep repeating that you're beautiful don't know what else to say. I don't go to bars much but I've sat next to *that guy* a few times. They are inept, unimaginative doofusses who annoy everyone.


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## Shalimar (Apr 8, 2016)

God forbid he should talk to a woman as if she were a person. Lol. Sad, really. We are all just people, regardless of gender.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

Wrigley's said:


> Men who keep repeating that you're beautiful don't know what else to say. I don't go to bars much but I've sat next to *that guy* a few times. They are inept, unimaginative doofusses who annoy everyone.


Yes. You will see the other regulars scoot 2 stools away & do not want to sit next to the You're So Beautiful guy.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

Shalimar said:


> God forbid he should talk to a woman as if she were a person. Lol. Sad, really. We are all just people, regardless of gender.



The people who view you as a fellow human being are treasures.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

*The Tip Thief *

These women will make an excuse to go back to the table or the bar pretending like they forgot something and steal the tip their boyfriend/husband  just left you. They will smile and look you straight in the eye when they do it. They have no shame.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

*The Mean Drunk*
I had some situations arise from mean drunks. Amazingly I never had a problem with a female. I was just lucky because you have your female mean drunks as well. 
I'll share 2 of those stories..
*Ist guy-*  I'm the only bartender because it's a slow night . It's a slow night and close to closing time. The regulars have left. There is one very big blond man who has not been in before up at the bar. I'm not talking to him because he's an ass & I'm cleaning and getting ready to close up. I tell him " Okay drink it up I have to have that glass off the bar." He already had last call earlier. He sneers at me. I tell him " You have 2 minutes left. Drink up". He sneers. I go to take the glass off the bar and he grabs my arm and says " You touch my glass and I'll break your arm!" He has a hold of my wrist with a death grip. Now I'm not playing. I grab a hammer out from under the bar and tell him " Party's on & one of us is about to bleed! You can get your butt out of that door on your own or you can go out in a cop car!" He let go and left, but he waited for me in the parking lot. I saw him. I called the cops and they were happy to give him bracelets.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

*The Mean Drunk*
*2nd guy*- I'm working in a large disco club by the airport. I walk past a table and this man grabs my arm and says " Gimme back my money b.. or I'll break your arm right now!" I tell him " I'm not your waitress. Let me get your waitress." He won't let go he's twisting my arm. He says " Don't lie to me wh.. you're my waitress give me my money now or I'm breaking this arm!" I look at the 3 people at his table .. a couple ..and a woman that's with him. I recognize fear on their faces. No one is going to help me the music is loud loud..the manager is all the way across the dance floor and this guy is about to break my arm. I feel a pain shoot in my arm . I look for an equalizer. He's a big big man. My eyes land on a big heavy glass ashtray on the table. So I spider it and grab that ashtray & pop him hard right upside the head.  Snap, crackle, pop, Rice Krispies he's down , he's out, he ain't getting up. I'm ready now to fight the wife if I have to. She looks at me and says " Thank you so much" . Poor woman. They haul him out in an ambulance & I'm fired. My manager said I should have 'come and found him' . That's right he was covering his own butt. That happens a lot. Lousy managers. The good news was I broke his jaw good. They had to wire it shut hahahaha.


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## SifuPhil (Apr 8, 2016)

Shalimar said:


> God forbid he should talk to a woman as if she were a person. Lol. Sad, really. We are all just people, regardless of gender.



Why do you say that? Huh? Why? Why? Why do you say that? Huh? Why?


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## Shalimar (Apr 8, 2016)

Philly, into the corner for a time out! By the way, where are your bounce stories??


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## SifuPhil (Apr 8, 2016)

I was working club security one night when in walked 2 guys that I immediately named Flavor Flav and Pants Boy.

Flavor Flav was your typical gangsta wanna-be - little guy with rapper clothing from head to tail, topped by a huge puffy rapper hat. Tons of gold jewelry, including a neck chain big enough to anchor the Queen Mary.

His buddy Pants Boy was wearing his jeans so far down that you could see the globes of Uranus. Seriously - his Calvin Kleins were getting plenty of air.

As the night wore on Pants Boy behaved himself, but Flavor Flav started touching the dancers inappropriately. I warned him twice, and each time he puffed up and said I wouldn't dare touch him. Each time I smiled and said "Don't. Dare. Me."

Third time he bothered a dancer. I came from the bar end of the club down to the dance area. He's sitting on a stool with his arms crossed, giving me the Gangsta Glare. I asked him to accompany me to the front door, He just stared at me and said I wouldn't dare touch him. Pants Boy came up behind me to get me in a bear hug. One elbow to his mid-section ended that sillyness. Then I grabbed Flavor Flav by his big ol' gold chain, dragged him out of the club and told him one last time "Don't. Dare. Me."


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

SifuPhil said:


> each time he puffed up and said I wouldn't dare touch him.


silly dum dums *snicker*


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

*Mr. Potty Pants*

This very wealthy well known man came in got very drunk, got on the phone to call someone. He yelled " Bartender..miss bartender.. my feet are wet." He was still on the phone. He had wet himself and was standing in a puddle. Good grief.


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## SifuPhil (Apr 8, 2016)

LOL!

Had a customer get very aggressive one time at closing. He refused to leave and tried going behind the bar to attack the (female) bartender.

I caught him in a wrist lock and put him down on the floor. This meant both of my hands were occupied. 

Suddenly, someone is pulling my ponytail, HARD. Looking in one of bar mirrors I see it's a female. I release one of my hands from the guy, reach back and put HER in a wrist lock. She's wailing and moaning all the way down to the floor, but still holding my ponytail with a death grip.

I look up through the tops of my eyes and notice my "friends" - the owner, the bartender, the bouncer - all standing there on their thumbs with their mouths open, staring at the tableau in front of them. Finally gal lets go of ponytail, cops show up ... turns out she's the bad guy's sister.

Nothing like keeping it in the family.


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## Shalimar (Apr 8, 2016)

Philly, lolololol.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

*The Creepers who think you have a 'for sale' sign on your forehead*

The creepers come in many varieties. The worst ones are the ones that act normal before they pull out  the creeper routine. The creepers can come from any walk of life, any background. I really can't stand them. There were waaaaay too many I'll give 2 examples.

*Creeper 1*- Diamond dealer brought me a diamond bracelet in a fancy box and wanted me to take a ride in his fancy car after I closed up. I told him I did not accept gifts or date the customers. I was ticked off and griping about him to the cocktail waitress who said " He's right up my alley. Which one is he?" So, unfortunately some women are at fault for making these creepers think all women like to be bought like livestock. 
*Creeper 2*- He was the worst one. He really hurt my feelings. I thought he was a friend of a sort. A very wealthy man who came in often and was jovial. Then one night he offered me an indecent proposal. I hate him. I felt betrayed... and stupid.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

SifuPhil said:


> LOL!
> 
> Had a customer get very aggressive one time at closing. He refused to leave and tried going behind the bar to attack the (female) bartender.



I feel so cheated. Dang. Why didn't I ever have a bouncer? That crap happens a lot.


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## SifuPhil (Apr 8, 2016)

BlunderWoman said:


> I feel so cheated. Dang. Why didn't I ever have a bouncer? That crap happens a lot.



_Everyone_ should have a bouncer! 

The first time I ever bounced was in New York City at a fairly large and famous strip club. Being 18 years old, there were a lot of things I had to learn about the world.

The bouncers there knew it. They told me there was a problem in the women's dressing room. I ran to the back of the club, burst through the dressing room door, only to find all of the dancers - gorgeous, long-legged 18-25 year olds - posing naked on chairs, countertops and the floor, laughing their brains out.

I went into instant brain lock and was blushing the rest of my first night.


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## Shalimar (Apr 8, 2016)

Too funny, Philly. Yes, I imagine having a bouncer around might, I say might, be advantageous on occasion.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

*The Vomit Queens
*
Usually these are the women who drink those silly sweet drinks to excess on the weekends & can never hold their booze. They spew. It's gross. 

The one funny one was when these two young women that looked like beautiful models came in and sat up at the bar. They began to shoot tequila shots. I told them " You might want to slow down there not everyone can handle tequila." They said " Oh not us we can handle our liquor!" I went back to minding my business. Men sat up at the bar they crowded around these two beauties buying them more shots. Then it happened... One of them spewed like a fire hose all over the bar all over the men next to her. This created a mass gag reflex and other spewers. It was a nightmare I tell ya. She passed out face down at the bar in her own vomit. He girlfriend was in the bathroom hugging the toilet and just left her there. 
I WAS NOT a happy camper that night .


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

SifuPhil said:


> _Everyone_ should have a bouncer!
> 
> The first time I ever bounced was in New York City at a fairly large and famous strip club. Being 18 years old, there were a lot of things I had to learn about the world.
> 
> ...


wow can't believe they hired someone so young and green. Someone who hired you saw something in you they liked.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

*The Wannabe Strippers who later want to die..*

These are the ones who over indulge and lose their dang mind. 

Had one blond skinny one just pop up on a table and start taking it all off to a crowd of cheering men. That bar was not a strip club. I had to come out from behind the bar grab her clothes and actually dress her like a toddler in the bathroom, stick her in a cab & send her home.


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## SifuPhil (Apr 8, 2016)

Shalimar said:


> Too funny, Philly. Yes, I imagine having a bouncer around might, I say might, be advantageous on occasion.



Oh, I could tell you stories ....

...

... oh, wait - I AM ... 

The local Burger King has banned me, though - I threw out too many of their customers!


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## SifuPhil (Apr 8, 2016)

BlunderWoman said:


> wow can't believe they hired someone so young and green. Someone who hired you saw something in you they liked.



Well, I always looked older than my age and already had a few black belts at that point.

It also didn't hurt that I knew a lot of the local bent-nose guys.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

*The Married Men That Like To Make Their Wives Feel Bad*

These are the men that will keep coming on to you in front of a blushing, sad, embarrassed wife. I consider them scum. I never speak directly to them or look at them. I speak to the wife only. Forget  the tip. Us sistas got to stick together.


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## SifuPhil (Apr 8, 2016)

BlunderWoman said:


> *The Wannabe Strippers who later want to die..*
> 
> These are the ones who over indulge and lose their dang mind.
> 
> Had one blond skinny one just pop up on a table and start taking it all off to a crowd of cheering men. That bar was not a strip club. I had to come out from behind the bar grab her clothes and actually dress her like a toddler in the bathroom, stick her in a cab & send her home.




LOL - the power of alcohol!


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## Shalimar (Apr 8, 2016)

Wow Philly who knew? You have connections? Part of the "family" no doubt.


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## SifuPhil (Apr 8, 2016)

BlunderWoman said:


> *The Married Men That Like To Make Their Wives Feel Bad*
> 
> These are the men that will keep coming on to you in front of a blushing, sad, embarrassed wife. I consider them scum. I never speak directly to them or look at them. I speak to the wife only. Forget  the tip. Us sistas got to stick together.




And then there was The Lady and The Pet.

Woman comes in one night, just a regular Wednesday, no big deal, middle of the week and all.

She is gorgeous - dressed in black leather and stiletto boots. The second she walked through the door my head swiveled her way.

A moment later in walks in, ON A LEASH, a guy. She's pulling on the leash. He's dressed in a revealing little sort of jumpsuit.

They sit down at the bar like nobody's business. She orders a mixed drink for herself and a small glass of water for her pet. He waits until she takes a long draught of her drink, then starts to vigorously lap at his glass of water. 

This goes on all night. The regulars were shocked into silence for the first time. The dancers loved it - finally, a GUY being subjected to discipline and domination. The Lady and The Pet became regulars after that, and once I got The Lady's permission I spoke with The Pet, who proved to be a very intelligent man.  

Life is amazing.


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## SifuPhil (Apr 8, 2016)

Shalimar said:


> Wow Philly who knew? You have connections? Part of the "family" no doubt.



"Used" to have connections - they're all gone now. Don't know the new generation, not sure I'd want to.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

*The Stalkers*

These are in no way funny. They are scary dangerous men. The spider that waits in the dark. For some reason they obsess and fixate on you. I had two of them. I will tell one story only because the other story is really bad.

This one man kept calling me and calling me. I thought he was a random obscene phone caller. I had no idea he knew who I was and where I lived. I don't know how he knew where I lived unless he followed me home. 

I was sitting home on my night off watching a movie when I saw my front door knob being turned. I went to the door I said " Who is it?" He said " I'll be in in a minute." Then I said " Get away from my door right now!" He said " No way baby I'm coming in." I grabbed a knife out of a drawer and waited. He never came in.
 The next night at work I got the regular nightly call from the obscene phone caller only he changed his usual routine.. he said " I didn't get you last night. Someone came down the hall. Don't worry tonight I'll be back." That's when I connected them. I had a cop friend of mine go home with me that same night and help me move to a temporary motel.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

Shalimar said:


> Wow Philly who knew? You have connections? Part of the "family" no doubt.



LOL lovely surprises


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## Shalimar (Apr 8, 2016)

BW, that is scary stuff.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

SifuPhil said:


> And then there was The Lady and The Pet.
> 
> Woman comes in one night, just a regular Wednesday, no big deal, middle of the week and all.
> 
> ...



LOL LOL LOL


Yup. Phil I had a guy offer to pay me 20 bucks for every time I called him a 'piece of sh..'. I said "NO! You disgusting pig!" He said " Here's twenty that's good too. May I buy you some shoes?"


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

Shalimar said:


> BW, that is scary stuff.



Yes it is. Shali the other one was way worse .


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## SifuPhil (Apr 8, 2016)

That stalker story IS scary, BW - hope it all turned out okay. As you can imagine things like that happened to the dancers a lot.

The POS story is hilarious!


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

SifuPhil said:


> That stalker story IS scary, BW - hope it all turned out okay. As you can imagine things like that happened to the dancers a lot.
> 
> The POS story is hilarious!


One turned out ok after I moved. The other.. well it's just a very bad story


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

*My favorite story*

This old man comes in and sits at the bar. He starts up a tab. He sits there smiling and drinking all night. At closing time I ask him to pay his tab. He says " I can't. Sue me. I'm an inmate of a nursing home down the road." I laughed my butt off. It was a good one. Hey he deserved some fun. I paid his tab and called him a cab and paid for that. Funny old man pulled one over on me


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

chat you guys later I have to go to my daughters house


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## SifuPhil (Apr 8, 2016)

Guess there's one in every bar. 

I had a guy couldn't pay his tab. I went all puffy on him, until he told me he was Italian, on SS disability and was a WWII vet. 

I melted, paid his tab and it became a weekly thing.

Wonder whatever happened to him - good ol' Tony Cha-Cha (he'd get up from his stool every so often and do a little cha-cha LOL)


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## fureverywhere (Apr 8, 2016)

Oy that I don't have any bar stories. In my youth someone would exclaim " I never saw a chick drink so much!" then someone would carry me home. No stories I can remember


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## Wrigley's (Apr 8, 2016)

SifuPhil said:


> _...._The first time I ever bounced was in New York City at a fairly large and famous strip club. Being 18 years old, there were a lot of things I had to learn about the world.
> 
> The bouncers there knew it. They told me there was a problem in the women's dressing room. I ran to the back of the club, burst through the dressing room door, only to find all of the dancers - gorgeous, long-legged 18-25 year olds - posing naked on chairs, countertops and the floor, laughing their brains out.
> 
> I went into instant brain lock and was blushing the rest of my first night.



I was 17 when I was sent to work with a construction crew. I hung a door and the guys told me I did it wrong, it was making a weird sound.

"What kind of sound?"

"Well, it sort of bumps and then it grinds. Just go open it, you'll see what I mean."

Yep. She bump and then she grind.

And I was done for the day.


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## SifuPhil (Apr 8, 2016)

Wrigley's said:


> I was 17 when I was sent to work with a construction crew. I hung a door and the guys told me I did it wrong, it was making a weird sound.
> 
> "What kind of sound?"
> 
> ...



LOL! 

Good thing there were no lap joints ...


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

I have 2 more observation/stories to tell & then I'm done


*Laurel & Hardy*


These are the best buds ,the regular guys that come into your bar and make it a second home.
They just play pranks, laugh, play darts or pool and joke all night. These are the guys you like 
to see walk in the door. They're happy.. they aren't trouble makers..they treat you like their
buddy. They are also very good for business because other patrons like them too.


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## BlunderWoman (Apr 8, 2016)

*The Boogie Man*
This was the scariest person who ever walked into my bar. It was close to closing and the bar emptied out. I was alone. A tall large man dressed in black with a jagged scar running the length of his face and a flat black hat walks in and up to the bar. I am gripped in fear because every gut instinct I have is telling me to run. I'm fully aware that the Devil has just walked up to my bar. I don't say anything at all. I just look at him. He looks at me with those eyes of a death reaper and says " Would you like to know your future?" I quietly say " No. Not at all." He stares at me hard and drools. Drool drops land on my bar top. I am now physically shaking. In walk one of the street working girls and her pimp. She says" Howya doing pumpkin? Give us a drink?" I tell her sure and pour them both a drink. She and the pimp sit up at the bar. The Devil says nothing and turns around and walks out the door. The scariest man I ever had in my bar. The street angel tells me " We saw him come in
and we wanted to make sure you were okay. That is one scary mofo huh?" I tell her " Bless you bless you. I owe you a big one Honey & thank you also Honey's guy." They stayed until I locked the doors and walked me to my car. Never judge the street angels, they are human beings & sometimes they save your life in the tight spots.


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## Shalimar (Apr 8, 2016)

Eek, BW.


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## SifuPhil (Apr 8, 2016)

Wow - Reaper story. 

Although I have to say - if it wasn't for the scar, that could have been me. I drool sometimes. layful:

Laurel and Hardy - yep, some regulars you actually don't mind seeing. It's always a mix.


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