# losses, etc.



## JaniceM (Jan 12, 2022)

I'll start by saying one of the many things I like and in some cases appreciate about forums is the chance to get input etc. from people who aren't in this area.  A couple of years ago, I posted a few 'local oddities,' and it was very helpful to hear from forum members who had the same viewpoint as me:  there is something very wrong with this environment, and, straightforwardly, people around here are really messed up.  

One example is life and death means nothing to them.  They just plain don't care.  So that's why I'm bringing this question to this forum.

How long does it take to fully realize that somebody who's always been there for a very long time, isn't there anymore...  and how to get through it when you have _nobody???_

In recent months, I've experienced 2 devastating losses.  First, my "furbaby" cat who'd been with me for 12 years died.  Now, recently, I learned the only person who'd been a real friend in this city died last month, after being an important part of my life for nearly 14 years.  

I don't know how to process all of this, or what to do in general...


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## Chris P Bacon (Jan 12, 2022)

I don’t know where it is that you’re located but a grief support group might be worth looking into. You could do an online search for such groups in your area. I know of other people who fond solace in them. I’ve heard of groups for both the loss of pets and the loss of friends and family. Maybe one or the other, or both, might be of some help to you. Good luck.


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## Ceege (Jan 12, 2022)

Just as this virus is unprecedented, so is what we are going through.  After 50 years together, I never thought that one of us wouldn't be there when the first one passed away.  Or, that I wouldn't see him for a month before that.  I knew for several years that I would outlive my husband because of his COPD.  But I didn't expect his passing to be like it was. 

Everyone I know has been touched by this in some way.  I don't really think it will be over for me until the virus as been ended and we can get back to spending time with family and friends freely.  

A grief support group is a good idea.  And, there are grief forums you could check into.
https://www.google.com/search?q=gri...IAd4KkgEDMy45mAEAoAEByAERwAEB&sclient=gws-wiz


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## bingo (Jan 12, 2022)

i  am sorry that you are  going thru the emptiness..losing  the most precious loved ones...that's what  is the worst  pain..
we recently  lost our only friend that we had here...and our beloved little  old dogs..
hugs


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## Don M. (Jan 12, 2022)

Over the past 10 years, I've lost most of my old friends....people I worked with, and even a couple of old schoolmates that I kept in contact with, for decades.  The last one was a neighbor who passed last year.  Anymore, I just maintain close contact with family members, and keep a cordial, but fairly distant relationship with a couple of the locals.  At my age, I really don't want any more "close" relationships, only to see them go their way.  My only real concern, at this point, is staying fairly fit and healthy, so I don't leave my wife alone.


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## Gaer (Jan 12, 2022)

Wish I would have contacted a support group when my husband died in my arms.  I thought I have to learn to cope with this by myself.
But, It took four years before I got back to being me.  I guess I stopped eating because I was skin and bone!
Like you, I lost my precious kitty at the same time.  The first year was so hard.
In retrospect, The ideas of talking to people about your loss is a good idea.  Sure hope you get through this and feel better.


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## Sylkkiss (Jan 13, 2022)

Loss of beloved pets, friends, or loved ones repels on lookers away from you. Most often if someone doesn't come to you with a hug, a sorry, a pint of ice cream or a casserole within the first day or so, they won't be coming. You wait for calls from folks you thought cared and they don't come. And when you venture back out into the world they smile that sad smile and hurry on away. You are not invited to that house gathering 'cause well... who are you going to talk to and no one wants to hear about your dead cat, husband, wife, mom... again. It's a party; you're going to spoil the mood.

And so you sit there in your lonely house and hope to hear from someone while you look at the place where they used to sit or eat or play. And the day's are too long without them and the nights are full of tears and tossing and turning and you talk to yourself and cry 'cause that's just crazy....

Yeah. Loss of loved ones is a lonely business and the ache is forever but it fades into the distance like time. Let it fade.


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## Jeni (Jan 13, 2022)

I think many of us try to cope ourselves but talking with others can help.
I have found support and great ideas chatting with people ... 
i am Often surprised when a golden nugget of information or inspiration occurs if you engage in conversation even with past friends/ and acquaintances..... as it is sometimes difficult  to meet new people but i still try anyway.


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## RobinWren (Jan 13, 2022)

When my DH suddenly passed away the grief was unimaginable. Unless one has lost someone close they really don't get it. I was in a support group within about six weeks, and I was so glad to find others who had gone or who were going through the same life changing circumstances as myself. Reach out, there are many who will listen and take very good care of you.


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## officerripley (Jan 13, 2022)

Sylkkiss said:


> Loss of beloved pets, friends, or loved ones repels on lookers away from you. Most often if someone doesn't come to you with a hug, a sorry, a pint of ice cream or a casserole within the first day or so, they won't be coming. You wait for calls from folks you thought cared and they don't come. And when you venture back out into the world they smile that sad smile and hurry on away. You are not invited to that house gathering 'cause well... who are you going to talk to and no one wants to hear about your dead cat, husband, wife, mom... again. It's a party; you're going to spoil the mood.
> 
> And so you sit there in your lonely house and hope to hear from someone while you look at the place where they used to sit or eat or play. And the day's are too long without them and the nights are full of tears and tossing and turning and you talk to yourself and cry 'cause that's just crazy....
> 
> Yeah. Loss of loved ones is a lonely business and the ache is forever but it fades into the distance like time. Let it fade.


This is sad but so, so true too much of the time.


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## Packerjohn (Jan 13, 2022)

There is no fast answer to your question.  When it comes to a spouse dying on you, well, I heard it said that some men marry again after only a few months.  Then on the other hand, I have an old school buddy that when his wife died some 25 years ago, he never remarried.  I know that life is short and sooner or later you have to get on with your life.  I lost my wife who was a soul mate and the "love of my life" and I will always love her in memory.  However, no use living in pity.  We have to get on with life, yes, even with Covid around.


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## Gaer (Jan 13, 2022)

Sylkkiss said:


> Loss of beloved pets, friends, or loved ones repels on lookers away from you. Most often if someone doesn't come to you with a hug, a sorry, a pint of ice cream or a casserole within the first day or so, they won't be coming. You wait for calls from folks you thought cared and they don't come. And when you venture back out into the world they smile that sad smile and hurry on away. You are not invited to that house gathering 'cause well... who are you going to talk to and no one wants to hear about your dead cat, husband, wife, mom... again. It's a party; you're going to spoil the mood.
> 
> And so you sit there in your lonely house and hope to hear from someone while you look at the place where they used to sit or eat or play. And the day's are too long without them and the nights are full of tears and tossing and turning and you talk to yourself and cry 'cause that's just crazy....
> 
> Yeah. Loss of loved ones is a lonely business and the ache is forever but it fades into the distance like time. Let it fade.


This is so true and wonderfully written.


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## Sassycakes (Jan 13, 2022)

I remember like it happened just yesterday. When I was a Freshman in High school my best friend died. Our High School made us go to her funeral mass. My heart was broken and when we were in Church I needed to cry but was afraid the Nun's there would get mad at me. Then I looked around and a girl named Rose was crying and the Nuns didn't discipline her so then I knew it was ok for me to cry.


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## Liberty (Jan 14, 2022)

Grief comes in waves.
The price we pay for loving is grieving.  May we all find the "joy in sorrow".


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## JaniceM (Jan 15, 2022)

Thank you all for your responses, very much appreciated.


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## Ruthanne (Jan 15, 2022)

I'm very sorry for your losses.  I know it's hard and painful.  I've had them also and at the time I felt so bad I didn't understand how to get on with my life and also couldn't understand how others grieving got on with their lives.  It seemed impossible then.  All I learned to do was to put one foot forward after the other.

That was the best I could do so I just kept doing that.  I allowed myself to grieve too and at one point I went to a grieving support group.  There were only a few sessions because not enough people showed up.  I found it helpful still.

Things do improve in time.  I still have moments of great pain and grief but not nearly as many anymore.  Best wishes to you.


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## JaniceM (Jan 16, 2022)

Thanks Ruthanne.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jan 16, 2022)

I'm *so* sorry for your losses Janice! I can relate to losing a pet. They *are* like our babies. We had our cat, Audra, for 18 years and had to have her euthanized after she had been in the hospital for about a week. I've lost many loved ones during my life. One of my best friends died unexpectedly in January 2020 and just a little over a month ago, my beloved DIL died unexpectedly too. I still haven't processed her death. I still think to pick up the phone to call and tell her something. I still have to give myself a reality check every day that she really *is* gone! I'm praying that I'll understand the why and be able to make peace with it. The biggest help during this grieving process has been my friends, both ones I know in person and *online friends, *some of whom I've known for a decade and a half and others I've made right here on SF.

I can't imagine not having anybody. So I hope posting your thoughts and feelings on this forum will provide you with some measure of release and comfort. I hope we can be a good source of support for you Janice. You shouldn't feel alone during this time.


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## JaniceM (Jan 17, 2022)

OneEyedDiva said:


> I'm *so* sorry for your losses Janice! I can relate to losing a pet. They *are* like our babies. We had our cat, Audra, for 18 years and had to have her euthanized after she had been in the hospital for about a week. I've lost many loved ones during my life. One of my best friends died unexpectedly in January 2020 and just a little over a month ago, my beloved DIL died unexpectedly too. I still haven't processed her death. I still think to pick up the phone to call and tell her something. I still have to give myself a reality check every day that she really *is* gone! I'm praying that I'll understand the why and be able to make peace with it. The biggest help during this grieving process has been my friends, both ones I know in person and *online friends, *some of whom I've known for a decade and a half and others I've made right here on SF.
> 
> I can't imagine not having anybody. So I hope posting your thoughts and feelings on this forum will provide you with some measure of release and comfort. I hope we can be a good source of support for you Janice. You shouldn't feel alone during this time.
> 
> View attachment 204054


Thank you...


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## RadishRose (Jan 17, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> I'll start by saying one of the many things I like and in some cases appreciate about forums is the chance to get input etc. from people who aren't in this area.  A couple of years ago, I posted a few 'local oddities,' and it was very helpful to hear from forum members who had the same viewpoint as me:  there is something very wrong with this environment, and, straightforwardly, people around here are really messed up.
> 
> One example is life and death means nothing to them.  They just plain don't care.  So that's why I'm bringing this question to this forum.
> 
> ...


Janice I'm so sorry about your losses. At our ages, I think we've all tasted this kind of grief in one way or another.

However, that fact doesn't ease your pain. See other's examples and input as a "reaching out" to you. In a way, you're not alone as you fear.  Talk to us about it as much as your need to.

I agree with others that a support group might be very beneficial to you. Remember, you have friends here. Maybe you can rescue a senior cat?


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## JaniceM (Jan 17, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> Janice I'm so sorry about your losses. At our ages, I think we've all tasted this kind of grief in one way or another.
> 
> However, that fact doesn't ease your pain. See other's examples and input as a "reaching out" to you. In a way, you're not alone as you fear.  Talk to us about it as much as your need to.
> 
> I agree with others that a support group might be very beneficial to you. Remember, you have friends here. Maybe you can rescue a senior cat?


When I can move to a new apartment, I might consider adopting another cat, but it won't be anytime soon.
Kitty can't be replaced, but one thing my friend said after I lost her was I should keep my heart open in case another cat needs a home at some time.


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