# Relationship Advice



## Pearlsandthings (Jan 2, 2023)

Im 64 and my significant is 70. We have known each other for 30 years but just recently (8 months) have been talking visiting. No sex since he has serious heart/health issues.  There is a woman from his drug using days that he still likes to support financially, pay to fix her car, buy her drugs, just give money to. 

This month its safe to say he has given her family $1000. He has known her for probably 20 years. He has supported her whenever she calls for money, without question. He quit using 5 years ago but she still uses and looks like a meth user. They have no relationship yet she still comes to him for money at least once a week. 

He seems to want a serious relationship with me yet when we talk, he has no plans to cut her out of our lives as we go forward. At this time, he wants me to be his lady and caregiver because he was recently told he needs a heart transplant. 

I had planned to be his 24/7 caregiver because I thought we were exclusive but he plans to support this old love, "he says" until he moves in with me after his heart transplant. I just returned home after a 4 day visit (we havent seen each other since October) and I took him a nice gift and home cooked foods but he had not even taken the time to have a nice Christmas gift for me. 

However, the old girlfriend called 30 minutes after I was supposed to leave, and she was crying, needing money and help with her truck. He told her he had a friend with him but he wouldnt call me "girlfriend" as he does to other people.  Our discussions about this seem to go nowhere. 

I have committed to being there as his transplant caregiver but my trust in him has been damaged and Im hurt by his emotional and financial obligation to a woman he knows is just using him yet he wants me to care for him. 

I need advice how to say I cant commit to you any longer during this crucial time in his life. I dont feel safe in this relationship anymore. Advice please


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## hollydolly (Jan 2, 2023)

Well I'm no Agony aunt I'm afraid, there are dozens wiser than me here who will no doubt help you more than I can.. but tbh with you to me it sounds like  he's looking for a Nurse.. his heart seems to lie with his  old girlfriend, but he realises he can't be with her now he's off drugs and poorly, and she's not capable of looking after him.. so he's keeping her sweet.. for whatever reason . I;m sure it was all commendable when they broke up 5 years ago when he became clean, for him to try and help her out.. but 5 years ??? ..  in the meantime he's  having you dance attendance on him.. and do everything he knows he can't get her to do.. ..

Sorry, if it was me  I'd be walking away from this very fast..


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## palides2021 (Jan 2, 2023)

Reading your story gave me red alerts. I wouldn't trust someone who enabled another woman to continue her drug usage. Why doesn't he push her to get treatment instead? That means there's a hidden past, and you are not privy to it.  Maybe she's getting it for him? Maybe, maybe, maybe....would constantly be interfering with your happiness. 

You will always wonder where you fit into his life. Are you just there to take care of him??? What about you? Where is your future with him? Since you've only been seeing him the past 8 months, then you really need to have a conversation with him ASAP. And if he skirts the issue or doesn't give you satisfactory answers, consider slowing down on your interactions with him. These are my thoughts. Good luck!


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## Murrmurr (Jan 2, 2023)

"my trust in him has been damaged and Im hurt by his emotional and financial obligation to a woman he knows is just using him, yet he wants me to care for him"

I'd say that ^

But after "and you want me to take care of you?" I'd add "I'm sorry, that's not going to happen." And then make it so. 

He is self-serving and has absolutely no respect for you.


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## Aunt Mavis (Jan 2, 2023)

Don’t walk, run.


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## Lewkat (Jan 2, 2023)

It should be patently clear to you that not only is he a user, he's an abuser in his own way.  By staying in this relationship, you simply become his enabler and a convenient door mat.


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## Murrmurr (Jan 2, 2023)

Don't mean to be a turd here, but the OP is asking "what should I say"..."how should I put it?"

She knows the relationship is pretty dead. How should she finish it off?


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## 1955 (Jan 2, 2023)

Meth user are a special class of drug abusers. It’s almost impossible for them to quit successfully. The only time they refrain is during a life & death crisis usually caused from the addiction. It sounds like your significant is at this point and as other have pointed out is just using you for a nurse. His fixation with his old girlfriend is probably because he understands her addiction and what it means to suffer without.

I’m surprised the medical system will give him a transplant. Usually they don’t because the relapse rate is so high and there’s more worthy people. Also, meth destroys your arterial system and they have a high incidence rate of aneurysms.

Most meth users just have a very sad ending. My advise is to cut your losses and get out. I would just confront him with the facts that you don’t feel safe and add that because you don’t see a happy ending it’s destroying your being to hang on.

I went through a similar situation (mental abuse) with my girlfriend where the relationship was destroying my health. Since she was living with me it was very difficult to ask her to leave. It’s has been almost 2 years now & I’m in a much better place both mentally & physically.

Hope the best for you!


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## Muskrat (Jan 2, 2023)

He probably spends a goodly amount of time worrying about her. If he cared about her at one time he probably feels he is all that stands between her and the street. You will probably never be able to change that…and he would never forgive himself if something happened to her that he felt he could prevent. It is a terrible trap. You are better off to remain his friend…but nothing else. Drug addiction knows no boundaries and as long as she lives she will come to him whenever she needs to.


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## Blessed (Jan 2, 2023)

Murrmurr said:


> Don't mean to be a turd here, but the OP is asking "what should I say"..."how should I put it?"
> 
> She knows the relationship is pretty dead. How should she finish it off?



Even when he gets a heart transplant, it won't fix the problem, he will still be the same brain doing all the wrong things!


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## NorthernLight (Jan 2, 2023)

Pearlsandthings said:


> I need advice how to say I cant commit to you any longer during this crucial time in his life. I dont feel safe in this relationship anymore.


Your words are good enough. You just have to work up the courage. You could preface it with something like, "I have something to tell you that you aren't going to like." 

He might challenge you, or he might take it better than you think. If he does give you a rough time, you don't have to explain. Just say, "I'm sorry, I can't."

Only you know whether you should do this in person or otherwise. If it were me, I'd do it by phone or email. Good luck.


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## Packerjohn (Jan 2, 2023)

1. Giving money to a "druggy" to buy more drugs is wrong.  The druggy loves drugs; no one else!
2. This guy must be very weak and needy and can't say "NO" to this old flame of his.
2. Red flag here:  You should only love 1 person at a time.  This guy is a "jack of all trades" type of guy and probably "master of none."  There are better men around.

I've been married twice.  My fast rule was to love 1 woman at a time.  It was a good rule and it helped me to sleep well at night.  No need to feel guilty and no need to look over my shoulder.

Good luck with this guy!  You are gonna need it!


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## Teacher Terry (Jan 2, 2023)

_Just be honest and say what you wrote here. He will probably try to convince you otherwise but don’t fall for it. Remember no is a complete sentence.  I think he is a user. 

You traveled to him with goodies and he didn’t even get you a Xmas present. He is just using you and don’t spend your remaining healthy years as a caregiver. _


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## mrstime (Jan 2, 2023)

*"I dont feel safe in this relationship anymore."*
That says it all get out now!


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## win231 (Jan 2, 2023)

Smart people trust their instincts.  Stupid people & people in denial pay the price.  The writing is on the wall in big black letters.
If you don't cut all ties with him, you'll be paying a big price - your safety & probably your life.


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## Jules (Jan 2, 2023)

The OP joined, posted this, and left one minute later?


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## Bella (Jan 2, 2023)

Pearls, you don't really need any advice. @NorthernLight is right. You just need to find the courage to say and do what you know needs to be done for your own well-being. Don't continue to waste your time, energy, and affection on a person who doesn't care about you and is just using you. Come straight out and tell him you're unable to be his caregiver. He'll ask you why not and try to convince you to help him. Don't elaborate, tell him again that you won't be able to help him. Wish him well, and then stick to your guns. 

My "advice" is to do yourself a favor and make a clean break with him. Cut off contact all together and don't see him again. If he calls, let it go to voice mail unanswered. Leave no strings hanging for him to reel you back in. Pearls, if he can give his drug-addicted girlfriend $1000.00 a month, he can afford to hire a caregiver. Walk away, you deserve a lot better.


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## Bella (Jan 2, 2023)

Jules said:


> *The OP joined, posted this, and left one minute later?*


I saw that, too, @Jules. My guess is that she perused the forum before deciding to join. She then composed her post and joined with the intention of posting it immediately.


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## Tish (Jan 3, 2023)

Listen to your gut, and don't be anyone's doormat.
There is no relationship without trust, not a decent one anyway.


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## Wren (Jan 3, 2023)




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## Pepper (Jan 3, 2023)

Loneliness and fear of being alone is the root cause of OP's problem.  Also low self esteem IMO


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## Alligatorob (Jan 3, 2023)

Be kind but firm with him and move on.  I am sure you know the right words to use.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jan 3, 2023)

As Janet Jackson asked "What have you done for me lately?" What is he doing for you? The minute I found out he was supporting another woman's habit, plus giving her additional money, I would have been "outta there". I don't get this "just recently (8 months) have been talking visiting." How can he be your S.O if you're only talking about visiting after all that time? What did I miss? How far apart do you live? If it's a long distance relationship, you have an easy out. 

That being said, I'd tell him you feel it's disrespectful and hurtful that he's so obviously emotionally involved with another woman and that you're no longer willing to stand for it. Have a nice life..goodbye. BTW...if you need someone to care for you...hire a nurse.  

@Jules  How can someone even post that much in only a minute?  Unless she copied and pasted it from a draft.


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## caroln (Jan 3, 2023)

He was recently told he needs a heart transplant and suddenly he wants a relationship with you?  Wake up!  He wants a free live in nurse and housekeeper.  Run!


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## Been There (Jan 3, 2023)

I think you already know the answer to your issue. You are just making sure by asking others that what you need to do is the correct thing. As an Officer in the military, I have never had a problem that I couldn’t resolve. Right or wrong. It’s good to have support, but the final answer is going to come from you.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just ask others what we should do to resolve any issues that come into our life? When you get an issue that needs attention, you may have to study the pros and cons before making a decision, but once you come up with an answer, you do what’s necessary and if you find later you made a mistake, you learn from it and move on. You don’t allow it to cripple you. We are not always going to be 100% dead on.


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## JaniceM (Jan 3, 2023)

palides2021 said:


> Reading your story gave me red alerts. I wouldn't trust someone who enabled another woman to continue her drug usage. Why doesn't he push her to get treatment instead? That means there's a hidden past, and you are not privy to it.  Maybe she's getting it for him? Maybe, maybe, maybe....would constantly be interfering with your happiness.
> 
> You will always wonder where you fit into his life. Are you just there to take care of him??? What about you? Where is your future with him? Since you've only been seeing him the past 8 months, then you really need to have a conversation with him ASAP. And if he skirts the issue or doesn't give you satisfactory answers, consider slowing down on your interactions with him. These are my thoughts. Good luck!


Yes, what she ^ said.


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## SeaBreeze (Jan 3, 2023)

Pearlsandthings said:


> Im 64 and my significant is 70. We have known each other for 30 years but just recently (8 months) have been talking visiting. No sex since he has serious heart/health issues.  There is a woman from his drug using days that he still likes to support financially, pay to fix her car, buy her drugs, just give money to.
> 
> This month its safe to say he has given her family $1000. He has known her for probably 20 years. He has supported her whenever she calls for money, without question. He quit using 5 years ago but she still uses and looks like a meth user. They have no relationship yet she still comes to him for money at least once a week.
> 
> ...


Don't stress too much on saying you cannot commit, the reason you can't and shouldn't is obvious to both of you.  He's her sucker, please don't be his.  Life is too short for this nonsense, do what is best for yourself in your golden years.  Time to care for and love yourself, he's already made his selfish choices. Good luck and welcome.


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## CallMeKate (Jan 3, 2023)

Pearlsandthings said:


> I have committed to being there as his transplant caregiver but my trust in him has been damaged and Im hurt by his emotional and financial obligation to a woman he knows is just using him yet he wants me to care for him.
> 
> I need advice how to say I cant commit to you any longer during this crucial time in his life. I dont feel safe in this relationship anymore. Advice please


Okay, I see that you know your relationship is pretty much over.  This may not be the popular opinion here, but I'd (maybe this makes me a jerk... doesn't really matter to me)  break that commitment to be his nurse after transplant unless he starts giving ME that same $1k/month he's giving the old girlfriend.  Seriously.... you're only 64 and this dude sounds like pretty much of a user.  Maybe there's a relationship out there that would make you happy like this one obviously isn't doing, yes?


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## Nathan (Jan 3, 2023)

So, what would you get in this 'relationship' besides the role of playing *2nd fiddle*?      It's a loser, spend your time more wisely.


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## Judycat (Jan 3, 2023)

This poster's problem is the reason I don't want to get into a relationship. Yes living alone, it is lonely at times, but a thousand times better than the mess she is facing if she commits to a relationship with this dude.


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## SeaBreeze (Jan 3, 2023)

JaniceM said:


> In other cases, a person knows an answer but simply wants/needs back-up from other people.
> I've come here (to forum) numerous times myself for that reason- like 'what do you guys think about this?'


Well said, forums like this are excellent for feedback and _respectful _opinions from other seniors.  I wish the OP the best, right now she's in a bad place.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Jan 3, 2023)

1955 said:


> Meth user are a special class of drug abusers. It’s almost impossible for them to quit successfully.


You are correct.This is why I am so happy for and proud of my son.He had a meth addiction for 7-8 years-late teens until age 27.I am talking a very heavy meth addiction.He last used on April 5,2007 and has never relapsed. Met his wife at an NA meeting a month or so later (she had been clean for 2 years at that point)and they have been married for 10 years.They have two little girls and are the best parents ever.

I can honestly say that I never thought that this would happen.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Jan 3, 2023)

And as for the OP-I hope she runs from that relationship as fast as she ran from this forum lol!


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## 1955 (Jan 3, 2023)

Mrs. Robinson said:


> You are correct.This is why I am so happy for and proud of my son.He had a meth addiction for 7-8 years-late teens until age 27.I am talking a very heavy meth addiction.He last used on April 5,2007 and has never relapsed. Met his wife at an NA meeting a month or so later (she had been clean for 2 years at that point)and they have been married for 10 years.They have two little girls and are the best parents ever.
> 
> I can honestly say that I never thought that this would happen.


I'm sure your support & love contributed to his success. Great picture too.


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## Bellbird (Jan 3, 2023)

hollydolly said:


> Well I'm no Agony aunt I'm afraid, there are dozens wiser than me here who will no doubt help you more than I can.. but tbh with you to me it sounds like  he's looking for a Nurse.. his heart seems to lie with his  old girlfriend, but he realises he can't be with her now he's off drugs and poorly, and she's not capable of looking after him.. so he's keeping her sweet.. for whatever reason . I;m sure it was all commendable when they broke up 5 years ago when he became clean, for him to try and help her out.. but 5 years ??? ..  in the meantime he's  having you dance attendance on him.. and do everything he knows he can't get her to do.. ..
> 
> Sorry, if it was me  I'd be walking away from this very fast..
> 
> ...


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## hollydolly (Jan 3, 2023)

Bellbird, why did you quote me..?


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## SeaBreeze (Jan 3, 2023)

Mrs. Robinson said:


> You are correct.This is why I am so happy for and proud of my son.He had a meth addiction for 7-8 years-late teens until age 27.I am talking a very heavy meth addiction.He last used on April 5,2007 and has never relapsed. Met his wife at an NA meeting a month or so later (she had been clean for 2 years at that point)and they have been married for 10 years.They have two little girls and are the best parents ever.
> 
> I can honestly say that I never thought that this would happen.


Wonderful success story, thanks for sharing.  You're a good Mom, and I wish your son and his lovely family a bright and happy future.


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