# living alone--but for how much longer then what ...and where? and who will help?



## boliverchadsworth (Feb 13, 2022)

all very mysterious to me.


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## Aunt Bea (Feb 13, 2022)

My only options are to stand my ground or buy my way into a full-service assisted living facility and continue writing some fairly large checks until the money gives out or I do. 

_"the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep" _- The Gambler,  Don Schlitz for Kenny Rogers


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## officerripley (Feb 13, 2022)

This is something I worry about constantly. I keep trying to get my Huzz to at least talk about this but he's in denial, keeps saying we don't need to do anything *yet* (by that he means "ever") but like I keep trying to tell him, depending on what kind of change we make to spend our final years, usually it takes time to get that set up, whether it's getting on a waiting list to move into some kind of senior housing, etc.


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## Packerjohn (Feb 13, 2022)

officerripley said:


> This is something I worry about constantly. I keep trying to get my Huzz to at least talk about this but he's in denial, keeps saying we don't need to do anything *yet* (by that he means "ever") but like I keep trying to tell him, depending on what kind of change we make to spend our final years, usually it takes time to get that set up, whether it's getting on a waiting list to move into some kind of senior housing, etc.


Yap!  Sounds like your typical "man about the house."  They talk about sports, the weather, what's wrong with the government and that new car/truck but they sure hate to talk about the really important issues.  How do I know this?  I read about these kind of men in several books.  Sorry you got one but it is really best to talk about these important issues so you can plan.  Good luck with that "hubbie" of yours!


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## officerripley (Feb 13, 2022)

Packerjohn said:


> Yap!  Sounds like your typical "man about the house."  They talk about sports, the weather, what's wrong with the government and that new car/truck but they sure hate to talk about the really important issues.  How do I know this?  I read about these kind of men in several books.  Sorry you got one but it is really best to talk about these important issues so you can plan.  Good luck with that "hubbie" of yours!


I think sometimes it can be that old thing (that I'm not positive but seems to be more of a U.S. thing) of "a man's home is his castle." Huzz grew up dirt poor, they lived in their car part of the time, this house we're in now is not just the nicest place he's ever lived, it's the *only* nice place he's ever lived, we worked really hard to finally afford this place, and he thinks if we ever downsized out of here, it'd make him a "loser." (No matter how nice the slightly-smaller place was.) So that's part of what I'm dealing with. But I've discovered, both talking with other gals IRL and online, that I'm a member of a really large club with this.

And you're right: it really is best to talk about this stuff--and someone else told me that I need to keep chipping away at it (and him)--but each time I bring it up again, he becomes more and more angrily determined that he's not changing his mind. And, he also brings my attempts to a close by telling me that I'll be able to do whatever I want very soon since he's on borrowed time since he's in his 70s and almost all of his relatives only made it into their early 60s. (He's correct about that; they really are a short-lived bunch, mostly because of being heavy cigarette smokers and believe that whatever a doctor tells you to do: do the opposite. However, he just had a yearly checkup the other day and the doctor said that he's doing great.)


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## jakbird (Feb 13, 2022)

"hate to talk about the really important issues"

Not necessarily.  I expected my wife to outlive me and took several steps to see she was in good shape.  That included moving close to her family, a paid off house, and as much as I could arrange for IRAs, pension and insurance to fund her staying at home.  She always left details like that for me to handle.  Other than making her aware of what was in place we didn't discuss it.  She never asked for the details.  When the time would come all the papers were in one place in the safe.

What I did not anticipate is being the one left behind.  Her last request was to take care of her nieces, since we didn't have any direct heirs.  Took some time but did as she asked.


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## katlupe (Feb 13, 2022)

Since I am already living in a senior living apartment building, I expect to stay here till I die. There are a number of even more elderly than I am, living here who have lived here for thirty years or more. So as long as I can keep caring for myself or just need a couple of hours a day of help I think I will be okay here.


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## Mitch86 (Feb 13, 2022)

The best way to live into very old age is to be MARRIED.  My wife and I are married 61 years. I am 86 soon to be 87 and she is 83.  We still live in our own house and my daughter and her family live across the street. She visits us for one hour every Sunday.

If my wife predeceases me, I plan to find some other candidate to be my spouse and keep going until I'm gone.  Singles are really cursed. Only the marrieds really live.


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## katlupe (Feb 13, 2022)

Mitch86 said:


> The best way to live into very old age is to be MARRIED.  My wife and I are married 61 years. I am 86 soon to be 87 and she is 83.  We still live in our own house and my daughter and her family live across the street. She visits us for one hour every Sunday.
> 
> If my wife predeceases me, I plan to find some other candidate to be my spouse and keep going until I'm gone.  Singles are really cursed. Only the marrieds really live.


That is your opinion only. I have not found living single to be cursed.........in fact, the complete opposite. Just because someone else does not do what you do or what you like does not mean it is cursed or bad. I could say the same about marriage.


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## MMinSoCal (Feb 13, 2022)

Mitch86 said:


> The best way to live into very old age is to be MARRIED.  My wife and I are married 61 years. I am 86 soon to be 87 and she is 83.  We still live in our own house and my daughter and her family live across the street. She visits us for one hour every Sunday.
> 
> If my wife predeceases me, I plan to find some other candidate to be my spouse and keep going until I'm gone.  Singles are really cursed. Only the marrieds really live.


I said this on another thread, and it is worth repeating here.  I'm single now, by my own choosing.  Sure, I've had a number of opportunities to be coupled since the breakup in 2018.  Based on my experience from that relationship, I can say that I'd much prefer to be happy alone than miserable coupled.  However, I never say never.  For the time being, being single works for me.


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## Devi (Feb 13, 2022)

katlupe said:


> That is your opinion only. I have not found living single to cursed.........in fact, the complete opposite. Just because someone else does not do what you do or what you like does not mean it is cursed or bad. I could say the same about marriage.


I agree. And I am very happily married.


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## HarryHawk (Feb 13, 2022)

My wife and I are moving into a senior community for that exact reason.   I am the one who initiated the plan.  It is somewhat selfish since it relieves me of one of my major concerns, what would happen to my wife when I'm gone.  I have worked my entire life with the goal of making sure she we would be financially set, I think it is equally important to make sure there are plans for social wellbeing and quality of life.   I personally do not think it is fair to say - my son can take care of her.  He has his own family and life. he should not have to assume the responsility of taking care of his parents.

Both of us have never been happier since we made the decision and now have a plan in place to live out the rest of the days for which we are blessed.


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## katlupe (Feb 13, 2022)

It also might be worth pointing out that sometimes a person outlives their spouse or children and may end up single. Maybe not their choice but it happens. I think that is why everyone has to make their plans not counting on someone else to be their caregiver.


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## boliverchadsworth (Feb 13, 2022)

I workded with a woman whose husband had a stroke. not sure how disabeled he was but she divorced him instantly.,,,,,--days/weeks 

if I had my choice I would have a companion an hour or so a day......and maybe some overnites or less......I am hanging a strong maybe on that 

and  maybe someone similar for me..hah  not likely but I am on the lookout--karma, ya know


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## palides2021 (Feb 13, 2022)

jakbird said:


> "hate to talk about the really important issues"
> 
> Not necessarily.  I expected my wife to outlive me and took several steps to see she was in good shape.  That included moving close to her family, a paid off house, and as much as I could arrange for IRAs, pension and insurance to fund her staying at home.  She always left details like that for me to handle.  Other than making her aware of what was in place we didn't discuss it.  She never asked for the details.  When the time would come all the papers were in one place in the safe.
> 
> What I did not anticipate is being the one left behind.  Her last request was to take care of her nieces, since we didn't have any direct heirs.  Took some time but did as she asked.


Sorry to learn that your wife passed away! It can be difficult, especially if it was unexpected. The same thing happened with my husband. He also left me behind. Sometimes I also ask myself where I'm headed, and my son reminds me to "Take it one day at a time, and enjoy today."


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## RFW (Feb 13, 2022)

I'm already miserable alone. Me being in a community would just poison the well for everyone.


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## dseag2 (Feb 13, 2022)

I have a partner who is 8 years younger and has been there for me through thick and thin, but after I saw what my mother went through in the past few months I don't expect him to bathe me and change my adult diapers.  Also, what if he passes away before I do?  I'm a realist.  I'm looking at all my options.  Assisted living may be the only choice.


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## Repondering (Feb 15, 2022)

I'll be 69 this year; I've never married; I don't have any close friends; I have one surviving brother and we live completely separate lives; I live alone in a three bedroom house on twelve acres of land in a rural hamlet of two dozen houses and about seventy five people.
My health is good and if I'm prudent and barring major catastrophe, the money should be OK too.
I'm not really happy but I am contented and also, I don't think I could ever possibly tolerate anyone else living in my house with me.

How long can I keep this up?  I'm conscientious to care for my health in terms of diet and exercise but eventually I expect to put the property on the market and hold an auction to unload the accumulation of objects and artifacts the family collected over the decades.  I'll keep a few of the better items and move into an apartment in town......seven miles away.  But look, I can still chainsaw firewood and snowplow the driveway and mow the acreage.....so I can put off the big changes until I start to seriously deteriorate with age.


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## StarSong (Feb 16, 2022)

Timing can be very tricky.  So far DH and I are doing just fine living on our own.  Should there be evidence we are no long able to do so and we seem unaware of our failings, our children will undoubtedly start having those difficult conversations with us.  

Until then I'm not going to stress over it.


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## spectratg (Feb 16, 2022)

jakbird said:


> "hate to talk about the really important issues"
> 
> Not necessarily.  I expected my wife to outlive me and took several steps to see she was in good shape.  That included moving close to her family, a paid off house, and as much as I could arrange for IRAs, pension and insurance to fund her staying at home.  She always left details like that for me to handle.  Other than making her aware of what was in place we didn't discuss it.  She never asked for the details.  When the time would come all the papers were in one place in the safe.
> 
> What I did not anticipate is being the one left behind.  Her last request was to take care of her nieces, since we didn't have any direct heirs.  Took some time but did as she asked.


Yes, same with me.  I thought that I was meant to spend the rest of my life with my wife.  As it turned out, she was meant to spend the rest of her life with me.  She passed away 8 years ago, at only 69 years of age.  Fortunately, I have now moved into a continuing care retirement community where I can move from my cottage to an independent living apartment to an assisted living apartment to a nursing care unit in the future, as needed.  My 4 daughters and their families all live within an hour's drive from me as well.  I'm 76 and in good health, but none of us know what the future has in store for us.  I have 2 sisters in their 80s who are in reasonably good health, but I also have a male cousin same age as me who has suffered a great mental and physical decline over the last decade.


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## Mitch86 (Feb 16, 2022)

Best advice for the very old like me at 86: live today as if it will the last day since it well may be.  Don't worry about the future since it may never arrive.


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## RFW (Feb 16, 2022)

Mitch86 said:


> Best advice for the very old like me at 86: live today as if it will the last day since it well may be.  Don't worry about the future since it may never arrive.


That's very sad, Mitch. But true.


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## Knight (Feb 16, 2022)

Expecting to take the dirt nap before my wife I've outlined all our accounts & she participates in how bills are paid. Finances are not a mystery to her. Outlining home & car maintenance another area she participates in, but just in case it's all written out. We have no debt, a new car.Ongoing home maintenance should last. If however managing a home on her own is overwhelming selling our home is an option but not before securing suitable residence. Our sons will check on her routinely. 

But we all know that something unexpected could happen. Expecting that is tucked away as deal with whatever, if it happens.


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## Packerjohn (Feb 16, 2022)

Some may wonder what the important issues in a marriage concerning an older couple might be.  Here is my list from experience:

1. A good will done with the help of a good lawyer.
2. Prepaid funeral plan for him and for her.  Never say, "he or she is going to die first so the other person got plenty of time to figure things out."  You just might be surprised who dies first.
3. Talk about what kind of funeral you want, how you want to be buried and where do you want to be buried.  Don't leave it to your spouse to figure all of this out when they are grieving.  Do it when both of you are cool, calm and collected.
4. Since my wife and I had appointed the other person to be the executor of the will, she put together a binder which had the following information: how to get into the apartment, cremation information, copy of last will and testament, birth, marriage and legal information, family contact information, banking details, pension details, application for a Canada Pension Plan Death Benefit and Gravestone information.

Yes, when my wife died, I was very sad (to put it mildly) but I knew what to do.  No funeral director was going to suck me for $20,000 plus while I was grieving.  I know they just love to do that!  By having discussed all those 4 factors above, I was able to handle her passing with much less stress than had we never discussed those very important issues.

If you ask my humble opinion, couples who do not want to or refuse to discuss the above issues are going to get themselves into some serious issues when the spouse dies.  Think about it!


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## JaniceM (Feb 16, 2022)

Packerjohn said:


> Some may wonder what the important issues in a marriage concerning an older couple might be.  Here is my list from experience:
> 
> 1. A good will done with the help of a good lawyer.
> 2. Prepaid funeral plan for him and for her.  Never say, "he or she is going to die first so the other person got plenty of time to figure things out."  You just might be surprised who dies first.
> ...


Good advice!

If I can add something:  (addressing this to anyone)- make sure whomever you put in charge is trustworthy.  
A mistake can mean beneficiaries are cheated, your final requests ignored, etc.

After both of my parents passed away, their lawyer's secretary said the law office didn't even have a copy of the will.  
People who think their attorney will handle everything are mistaken.


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## RFW (Feb 16, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> Good advice!
> 
> If I can add something:  (addressing this to anyone)- make sure whomever you put in charge is trustworthy.
> A mistake can mean beneficiaries are cheated, your final requests ignored, etc.
> ...



This. A death with no will is like a tragedy before a war.


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## JaniceM (Feb 16, 2022)

RFW said:


> This. A death with no will is like a tragedy before a war.


Yes, but my parents had a will.. but for some reason, only the 'executor' had access to it.  Boy was that a mistake.


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## Knight (Feb 16, 2022)

To piggy back on Packerjohns post. 

When preparing wills make sure the language in the wills addresses what you want to have happen. For example "per stirpes" is common boiler plate will language. That could have negative consequences of distribution of assets. Be specific about asset distribution.

Worth reading
https://regnumlegacy.com/per-stirpe...if,equally between the eligible beneficiaries.

Living wills should be in place filed with your health care provider. 

Pre paid burial expenses/plot/plots, fees for death certificates, cremation box if being cremated, viewing room are part of expenses not often thought of when making arrangements.

Last if children even senior children are to inherit then they should be aware of what your intentions are.


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## Alligatorob (Feb 16, 2022)

boliverchadsworth said:


> living alone--but for how much longer then what ...and where? and who will help?


A good question we should all be thinking about, living alone or not.

Me, I am hoping for a quick and unexpected death whilst I am still able to get around...  Not much of a plan I know.


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## Liberty (Feb 16, 2022)

katlupe said:


> That is your opinion only. I have not found living single to be cursed.........in fact, the complete opposite. Just because someone else does not do what you do or what you like does not mean it is cursed or bad. I could say the same about marriage.


Yes, katlupe:

https://www.flashpack.com/wellness/can-being-single-help-you-live-longer/


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## Kika (Feb 16, 2022)

katlupe said:


> Since I am already living in a senior living apartment building, I expect to stay here till I die. There are a number of even more elderly than I am, living here who have lived here for thirty years or more. So as long as I can keep caring for myself or just need a couple of hours a day of help I think I will be okay here.


My plan is to move from NYC to an over55 community in Pennsylvania.  Right now, I am four hours (on a good day) from my son and his family.  All my friends already moved from the city to other states to be closer to family.  I'm a little nervous (I'll be moving at the end of this year) because I've never lived anywhere else but NY.  I've been widowed twice, the last time 7 yrs ago, and the last survivor of my siblings.  When I move, I will be a little less than an hour away from my son.


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## Packerjohn (Feb 17, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> Good advice!
> 
> If I can add something:  (addressing this to anyone)- make sure whomever you put in charge is trustworthy.
> A mistake can mean beneficiaries are cheated, your final requests ignored, etc.
> ...


Very good and very important advice, JaniceM.  Getting someone very trust worthy to be the executor or Power of Attorney of the will is probably the hardest thing to decide because they have the power to sell your house, get into your bank account and even put you in a care home should they think that this is a nice place for you.  It should be someone much younger than you.  No use appointing someone older or about your age because they just might die before you and you'll be stuck and have to head back to the lawyer's office and fork out more money.

In my case I was my wife's Power of Attorney and she was mine.  We also had a backup Power of Attorney.  The person appointed does have a lot of work and just might refuse to do it.  A backup is very good.  By the way, don't forget to tell your Power of Attorney that you want them for the job.  Also, tell them there is a will and where the will is kept.  Things worked out pretty well since we were ready.  She had cancer and we knew that she was going.  However, even if you both are healthy there is always a chance of a car accident, drowning, shooting and who knows what else?  

As far as wills go, be careful.  Remote, greedy relatives who wouldn't give you the time of day or ever send you a birthday or Christmas card, suddenly arrive and swear what a wonderful relative you are when they smell that you left some money in the bank.

In my case, my lawyer has a copy of the will and she will keep it for 10 years.  I have the original in the top drawer of my filing cabinet.  I have advised my Power of Attorney and the back up Power of Attorney exactly where the will is.

Good luck getting these things done.  You will feel a lot of relief when you do get them done.


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## Jan14 (Feb 17, 2022)

I don’t think living alone is a curse.  Sure living within a good marriage is wonderful.  But stuck in a bad marriage is not good and lonely in itself. We just need to find meaning and connection in our lives via volunteering a part time job or online.  There are certain advantages to being single as well.


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## Jules (Feb 17, 2022)

Packerjohn said:


> In my case, my lawyer has a copy of the will and she will keep it for 10 years. I have the original in the top drawer of my filing cabinet. I have advised my Power of Attorney and the back up Power of Attorney exactly where the will is.


Our lawyer here registered a copy of our will with the government, one time minimal fee.  That copy is the official one.  If we hadn’t paid for that option, we would keep the will in our safe deposit box with the location known to the power of attorney and our families.  I don’t want to risk my will being destroyed by accident.  

Again, @Packerjohn those were all good points.  We don’t know how or when the end will come.


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## Autumn72 (Mar 16, 2022)

officerripley said:


> This is something I worry about constantly. I keep trying to get my Huzz to at least talk about this but he's in denial, keeps saying we don't need to do anything *yet* (by that he means "ever") but like I keep trying to tell him, depending on what kind of change we make to spend our final years, usually it takes time to get that set up, whether it's getting on a waiting list to move into some kind of senior housing, etc.
> Very risky talking to another about what you would like to do that combines the Two of you.
> Not all in a marriage will agree when the time to make more plans when one has already given so many years to the marriage. That is why marriage isn't a mutual respect toward more future plans.
> Some can't  agree with death on a mutual stand.
> ...


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