# Would you go to a funeral....



## debodun (Feb 10, 2016)

If your cousin's spouse didn't attend your parent's funerals, would you go to their parent's funerals?


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## AprilT (Feb 10, 2016)

Seems petty to play tid for tad with such an issue, I say go if one wants, do go if one wishes not to attend, but not based on such a reason.


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## FazeFour (Feb 10, 2016)

I don't like funerals. Maybe your cousin's spouse doesn't either. If you simply want to pay your respects, set the animosity aside.


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## BlunderWoman (Feb 10, 2016)

Funerals are always for the living. IMO I say always take the high road ..there's less looking back with regrets


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## SeaBreeze (Feb 10, 2016)

I wouldn't do anything out of spite for someone's actions in the past.  If I wanted to pay my respects to the family, I'd attend the funeral and hold no petty grudges.


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## jujube (Feb 10, 2016)

I vote for "the high road".   This "you-didn't-do-this-so-I-won't-do-that" could go on forever.  

That said, I don't blame anybody for not wanting to go to funerals.  I don't plan on going to mine.


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## fureverywhere (Feb 10, 2016)

I dunno, I still hold it against my cousins. We were never close but I remember my Mom's funeral. I was three months pregnant with my first daughter and Mom went suddenly. You think they could manage a bit more than a wave and Hey how ya doin' there?
Even a stranger you could manage a hug. I have never done funerals for that side of the family and that's okay.


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## jujube (Feb 10, 2016)

Before my family gave up on funerals and moved over to the "let's incinerate him and have a big party afterwards" school of thought, we had more than one dysfunctional funeral.

There was the great-uncle's second wife that arranged for someone to come to the cemetery right after the funeral and buy back all the flowers from her. That didn't go over very well.  

There was the funeral where a mentally-ill niece ran down the aisle of the funeral home and dived head-first into the coffin yelling, "______, _______, don't go!  I'm coming with you!" 

There was a great-aunt's funeral where a portion of the family was screaming accusations at each other in the parking lot outside the funeral home.  Before AND after the funeral, no less.  

But the best one was my father's cousin's funeral.  "Bud" had been messing around with the wife of a jealous man and had received a fatal dose of lead as a result.  Of course, the family story was that it was just a case of mistaken identity.  Sure.  Anyway, the funeral is about to start in a small country church.  The widow, "Beulah" (Big Beulah, as she was known in the family for _very_ good cause), had just been seated when the girlfriend slithers in, dressed in black from head to toe, heavily veiled.  She sits down halfway down the church and starts in. "Oh, Bud, you were too good for this world!  <SOB, SOB, SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF>  Bud, what am I going to do without you?  <SOB, SOB, SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF>  Oh, Bud, why did you have to leave us. < More sobbing and sniffing>"

Beulah gets up, steps out into the aisle, arranges her veil back, walks down the aisle and snatches the sobbing girlfriend out of the pew and proceeds to mop the floor with her.  I was not quite six, but I can remember the scene like I was looking at it on Facebook.  All I could see was Beulah's huge, yellowed-girdled-covered butt (her dress had ridden up) as she kneeled on the girlfriend and banged her head on the floor.  My mother was trying to get me to get down from the pew but no way was I going to miss THAT.   The men get Beulah off the girlfriend, hustle the girlfriend out, and get Beulah brushed off, properly covered and back in her pew.  The funeral proceeds.  Luckily there were no more fireworks at the gravesite.  

See why I don't like "funerals"?


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## Karen99 (Feb 10, 2016)

Wow Jujube..I'm impressed!  That funeral with Big Bertha "grieving" was priceless!  Thanks for sharing...

:rofl::rofl1:


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## Underock1 (Feb 10, 2016)

debodun said:


> If your cousin's spouse didn't attend your parent's funerals, would you go to their parent's funerals?



I'm not a big believer in funerals, but I certainly wouldn't base my decision whether to go or not on _that_.
Tit for tat is why we have a Mid East crisis.


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## Underock1 (Feb 10, 2016)

SeaBreeze said:


> I wouldn't do anything out of spite for someone's actions in the past.  If I wanted to pay my respects to the family, I'd attend the funeral and hold no petty grudges.



More like you please. :thumbsup:


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## mitchezz (Feb 10, 2016)

I wouldn't want someone with your attitude at my parents' funeral.


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## Linda (Feb 11, 2016)

All these posts have got me to thinking how much I like the movie:  Death At a Funeral.


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## Butterfly (Feb 11, 2016)

Underock1 said:


> I'm not a big believer in funerals, but I certainly wouldn't base my decision whether to go or not on _that_.
> Tit for tat is why we have a Mid East crisis.



I agree -- what somebody did or didn't do a while ago shouldn't influence a decision to go to a different person's funeral.  At a funeral, you are supposed to be showing respect for the deceased, NOT what members of his/her family did or didn't do in the past.

Having said that, I do not like funerals, and don't go if I can find a decent way out.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Feb 11, 2016)

SeaBreeze said:


> I wouldn't do anything out of spite for someone's actions in the past.  If I wanted to pay my respects to the family, I'd attend the funeral and hold no petty grudges.



Exactly. Not only petty but juvenile.


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## Babsinbloom65 (Feb 11, 2016)

jujube said:


> Before my family gave up on funerals and moved over to the "let's incinerate him and have a big party afterwards" school of thought, we had more than one dysfunctional funeral.
> 
> There was the great-uncle's second wife that arranged for someone to come to the cemetery right after the funeral and buy back all the flowers from her. That didn't go over very well.
> 
> ...



Sounds like there's a best seller in those funeral stories jujube.


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## Babsinbloom65 (Feb 11, 2016)

Funerals really are for the living more than the dead in my opinion and I go to very few funerals now days. Having said that, I will say this too...I would never not go to someone's funeral just because someone didn't show up for someone's elses.


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## Cookie (Feb 11, 2016)

I would go to the funeral if I felt I wanted to, but if I didn't really want to go and it was inconvenient, then at least I would feel free of any obligation to do so.


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## jujube (Feb 11, 2016)

Babsinbloom65 said:


> Sounds like there's a best seller in those funeral stories jujube.



"_Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral_" Gayden Metcalfe and Charlotte Hays offers the ultimate explanation of Southern funerals.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Feb 11, 2016)

Ooooo! Does it include recipes for funeral food? I swear that Southern funerals have the _very best_ funeral food. My all-time favorite is Hot Pineapple Casserole.


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## jujube (Feb 11, 2016)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> Ooooo! Does it include recipes for funeral food? I swear that Southern funerals have the _very best_ funeral food. My all-time favorite is Hot Pineapple Casserole.



Oh, indeed it does.


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## Sassycakes (Feb 12, 2016)

I'm facing a similar situation tomorrow. My Dad's younger brothers wife passed away 2 days ago. She was 90 yrs old. Her daughters don't bother with me because I am friendly with their brother who they have turned against. I found out my  Aunt had passed away through a mutual friend. The Funeral is tomorrow and even though it will be very 
uncomfortable for me ,since I know no one will speak to me,I will still go.


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## jujube (Feb 12, 2016)

You'll be glad you did, Sassy.  You're going to honor your aunt and to heck with it if her daughters don't like it.  Go in, do the "pleasantry shuffle" and talk to whom you want.  Don't get drawn into any unpleasantness and then go out and have a nice stiff drink and dedicate it to your aunt.


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## Sassycakes (Feb 12, 2016)

jujube said:


> You'll be glad you did, Sassy.  You're going to honor your aunt and to heck with it if her daughters don't like it.  Go in, do the "pleasantry shuffle" and talk to whom you want.  Don't get drawn into any unpleasantness and then go out and have a nice stiff drink and dedicate it to your aunt.


I

Thank you for the good advice,that is exactly what I will do.


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## Shalimar (Feb 12, 2016)

I agree Sassy. Take the high road. Honour your aunt, let the  canaille wallow in the muck if they must. You have class.


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## Ruthanne (Feb 12, 2016)

jujube said:


> Before my family gave up on funerals and moved over to the "let's incinerate him and have a big party afterwards" school of thought, we had more than one dysfunctional funeral.
> 
> There was the great-uncle's second wife that arranged for someone to come to the cemetery right after the funeral and buy back all the flowers from her. That didn't go over very well.
> 
> ...


Your experiences with funerals has me laughing and smiling.  I can just picture it all!  The worst thing that happened for me at a funeral is that I started laughing uncontrollably, it was my grandfather's funeral and he had done some pretty bad things to me.  

Back to the OP.  I would go to the funeral if I wanted to pay my respects but agree with the others not to do the tid for tad thing.


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## nitelite (Feb 15, 2016)

I do not go to funerals. I pay my respects when people are alive. I have made plans not to have a funeral of my own.


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## Cookie (Feb 15, 2016)

I miss most of my relatives' funerals because I live across the country. Only attended both parents' which was really pretty grueling and expensive, what with the travel, staying with relatives and taking time off work, so now I just opt out.


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## jujube (Feb 16, 2016)

RuthJD said:


> Your experiences with funerals has me laughing and smiling.  I can just picture it all!  The worst thing that happened for me at a funeral is that I started laughing uncontrollably, it was my grandfather's funeral and he had done some pretty bad things to me.
> 
> Back to the OP.  I would go to the funeral if I wanted to pay my respects but agree with the others not to do the tid for tad thing.



Oh my god, we did the same thing at my grandfather's funeral.  

It wasn't that we were laughing about him (as we loved him dearly), but at my foster brother's organ playing. 

My grandfather's favorite hymn was "The Old Rugged Cross" and my grandmother had asked him to play it while she went into the room where the coffin was alone to say goodbye to Grandpa before they closed the casket.  We were all in the "family room" next door.  My foster brother was a very flamboyant organist and started in on the hymn in an ordinary manner and then got "inspired".  He threw in arpeggios, he tossed in some glissandos, he improvised, he jazzed it up....you get the picture.  Liberace would have been jealous, is all I can say.   It got more and more elaborate.  And loud....very loud.

My sisters and I looked at each other and started laughing.  We tried to stop; we'd get stopped and then it would start over again.  My mother was hissing at us to shut up before Grandma came back into the room; we couldn't.  Finally, we decamped en masse to the ladies' room, where we finally calmed down and cooled down.  My grandmother would have had a heart attack if she saw us laughing like that.  

Afterward, she went on and on about how beautiful the rendition was and "how elegant".  Every time she'd start talking about it, I'd have to bite my tongue to keep from bursting out laughing.  There's no way I could have looked at my sisters or we would have started up again.

It's funny what makes you laugh at the wrong times.


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## Ruthanne (Feb 16, 2016)

jujube said:


> Oh my god, we did the same thing at my grandfather's funeral.
> 
> It wasn't that we were laughing about him (as we loved him dearly), but at my foster brother's organ playing.
> 
> ...


I can just imagine that.  I would've been laughing, too!


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## Debby (Feb 18, 2016)

You always tell the best stories and anecdotes jujube!  You should add 'authoring' to your list of accomplishments because it seems like you have a never ending supply of stories.

As for the OP, I think each case is different.  Just a couple months before my aunt died, I travelled to the little town where she was living and we had a three day marathon visit and when she died, I stayed home.  I went for her, not the rest of the family. 

I guess too though, if you think that your showing up might get a scene going because there's really bad feelings, then I wouldn't go because I would want to upstage the reason that we were all gathered.  Lots of variables I guess.


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