# In Honor of Anti-Valentine's Day



## SifuPhil (Feb 14, 2014)

Here's a little piece I did a while back celebrating the Philstivan holiday of AVD - Anti-Valentine's Day.

Romantic Hell on the 'Net

Ahhh… Valentine's Day. When a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of romantic  love; of quiet times spent with his Lady Fair; leisurely strolls through  the park while exchanging meaningful glances…

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *Welcome to Hell !!!


*

More  likely you’ll meet some psychotic chick on Facebook who begs you to add  her as your friend. Then you two will start to send IM’s back and forth – all very innocent and above-board.


But not for long…


You’ll  discover some common interests, like pulling wings off  butterflies, or that you both collect Victorian killing jars from eBay. A  shared passion for poisons, perhaps, or a mutual admiration for the  grislier moments in history – for instance, you’ll both chuckle long  and loud over the exploits of Jack the Ripper.


Then, it hits you – you’re only _15 miles away_ from this wonderful woman! You quick fire off another IM, asking her to meet for coffee Friday night.


Done!


With  mounting anticipation, you drive for this fateful first meeting.  Will it be Kismet or kiss-off? The sweat flows from your armpits like  molten lava from the fifth ring of Hell. Finally, you arrive at the  coffee shop – half an hour ahead of time. You mindlessly cruise  through the book stalls (every coffee shop has books, and every  bookstore has coffee – *just another indication of Satan’s  successful invasion of our times!*) when suddenly, without warning,  a vision appears in front of you…


A vision of beauty, of  ultimate femininity and grace. Her eyes like hot coals burn into  your soul, her ruby lips a target too inviting for words. Hoping  against hope, you fumble out your replies to her questions as you try  not to burn your tongue on the double-mocha latte cappuccino with  non-fat sugar and hazelnut soy milk (*another sign of The Dark Lord’s  presence – you can’t just buy coffee anymore*).


Well, things go  well in spite of your awkwardness as she calls you for a second date.  She seems somewhat more … reserved … this time. As if weighty matters  were pressing down upon her … you want to offer your help but she seems  too independent, so you ineffectually sit and silently stare at  her. She gets upset and quickly stalks off.


You chase her out of  the store, banging into customers as you do so, and catch up to her in  the wind-swept parking lot. “*What did I do wrong?*” you beg of her …


“*We’re not on the same page emotionally*“, she icily snaps at you as she drives off, leaving you in a cloud of toxic exhaust.


Now, excuse me for being analytical, but HELLO  – we had so much in common, didn’t we? We both enjoy terror and  torture and the screaming laments of lost souls, right? We both got  kicked out of the Cinema 14 when we laughed hysterically during the  hacking scenes of “_The Yonkers Corkscrew Massacre_“, right? What  went wrong?


Romance – bah! A *pox* upon romance and love and Valentine's Day. Give me the flaming pits of Hell reeking of sulfur any  day – at least THEN you know exactly who your friends are …


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## Warrigal (Feb 14, 2014)

I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.

:lost:


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## SifuPhil (Feb 14, 2014)

Warrigal said:


> I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.



I hear that a lot.


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## Diwundrin (Feb 14, 2014)

Unfortunately I do.  We cynical types see the spikes and scales lurking beneath the fluff and fuzz of 'romance', that's all Poll, nothing to worry about.


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## Warrigal (Feb 14, 2014)

I don't worry about Valentines Day. I simply ignore it. No problem.


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## Vivjen (Feb 14, 2014)

With you all the way Phil; just change him/her and I am there!


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## Warrigal (Feb 14, 2014)

I like the legend of St Valentine but am unimpressed with the spending frenzy.
On TV tonight someone paid $1,000 for roses?
More money than sense and no sense of proportion.


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## That Guy (Feb 14, 2014)




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## Denise1952 (Feb 14, 2014)

You write well, that's for sure Phil.  As far as the topic, I agree but never heard it put into such a vivid description, lol!!



:flowers:so even though I'm not a valentines girl, I still hope all of you have a beautiful day, and I hope I have one too.  I tell myself it's a choice so I'm going for it, :love_heart:


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## SifuPhil (Feb 14, 2014)

nwlady said:


> ... I tell myself it's a choice so I'm going for it



I said the same thing when I got in the ring with those midget Jell-O wrestlers.

THAT didn't turn out very well ...


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## Denise1952 (Feb 14, 2014)

Warrigal said:


> I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.
> 
> :lost:


 LOL!  It would sort of be fun to get inside that brain, I bet those scientists would do hand-to-hand combat to win Phils brain when he's done with itlayful:


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## Denise1952 (Feb 14, 2014)

SifuPhil said:


> I said the same thing when I got in the ring with those midget Jell-O wrestlers.
> 
> THAT didn't turn out very well ...



Man, I am in awe of the things you've accomplished, well, I don't know if you won or lost??:wow:


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## SifuPhil (Feb 14, 2014)

nwlady said:


> LOL!  It would sort of be fun to get inside that brain, I bet those scientists would do hand-to-hand combat to win Phils brain when he's done with itlayful:



Oh, no, you do NOT want to be in my brain! Think of the most terrifying, most horrifying experience you've ever had, multiply it by 2, add Jack Nicholson's voice and Dr. Lecter's guile, and you won't even be HALF as close to what's inside me ... 


nwlady said:


> Man, I am in awe of the things you've accomplished, well, I don't know if you won or lost??:wow:



Depends on your perspective.

I lost the match, but the after-show party was to DIE for!


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## Denise1952 (Feb 14, 2014)

SifuPhil said:


> Oh, no, you do NOT want to be in my brain! Think of the most terrifying, most horrifying experience you've ever had, multiply it by 2, add Jack Nicholson's voice and Dr. Lecter's guile, and you won't even be HALF as close to what's inside me ...



I can fix what's inside you with a little, apple cider vinegar.  The brain??  I'll leave that to the pros




> Depends on your perspective.
> 
> I lost the match, but the after-show party was to DIE for!



this I gotta hear, tell me more?? (now how stupid can you get Denise, jus settin yourself up
 		 			 				:cheers1:


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## That Guy (Feb 14, 2014)

SifuPhil said:


> Depends on your perspective.
> 
> I lost the match, but the after-show party was to DIE for!


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## SifuPhil (Feb 14, 2014)

nwlady said:


> I can fix what's inside you with a little, apple cider vinegar.  The brain??  I'll leave that to the pros



Now isn't that just like a woman - always wanting to fix up what's broken in a guy? layful:

The pros? Heh ... five of my past shrinks are driving Porsches because of me and I'm STILL the same. 





> this I gotta hear, tell me more?? (now how stupid can you get Denise, jus settin yourself up
> :cheers1:



BWAAAhahahahahaha!

That would have to be another thread.

... a shorter one.


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## Denise1952 (Feb 14, 2014)

That Guy said:


>


 LOL!! Good'un!!


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