# Polyamory



## Serenity4321 (Jun 6, 2021)

I think it's ok to discuss this?? If not I have no problem having a manager delete the thread.
This came up a few weeks ago ..a friend of mine told me her daughter is involved with the polyamory crowd. I didn't know what that meant and was shocked and surprised once I researched the practice. I do not know anyone who is polyamorous but it seems some kids in their 20, 30, 40s think it is a good idea and seem to cite the divorce rate as one solution to the problems in marriage. Apparently single, engaged, married people are all involved.
I keep seeing the jealousy factor and resultant hurt as the main problems but then if it is by mutual consent are those risks 'worth it' to some?

 The concept is really strange to me but as I kept thinking about it, I started to wonder if it is possible there could be benefits??? Personally I would never be involved but maybe that is a result of the norms of my generation.  I keep thinking since it is mutual consent, does it have advantages?
Obviously, anyone who is very religious will see it as totally wrong. 
 LOL I have kiddingly said polygamy sounds good..If I had several husbands, depending on my mood, I could spend time with whichever 'suited my fancy' at the time  
Would love to hear opinions, thoughts ideas...

In case you are not familiar with this ...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory
Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved.[


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## win231 (Jun 6, 2021)

IMO, it's a way to legitimize something bad to make it sound acceptable.
Reminds me of a co-worker who said, "The first thing I do when I get home from work is suck down a 6 pack of suds."
I asked him, "Isn't 6 cans of beer excessive?"
"Oh, no," he said.  "Beer's good for you."


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## officerripley (Jun 6, 2021)

Not a new practice; I suppose it might be a different thing (but at least related, in my opinion) but I remember as a kid (a lonnnng time ago, sigh) hearing about "swingers clubs", a spouse-swapping get-together for a weekend or whatever. And apparently it wasn't all unfounded rumors: the last woman my dad was married to told me that her sister & brother-in-law were "swingers."


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## RadishRose (Jun 6, 2021)

Probably since before we stood upright.


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## Alligatorob (Jun 6, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> Probably since before we stood upright.


Yep, probably much older than our current concept of marriage.


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## JonDouglas (Jun 6, 2021)

I'd think it would pair well with increased STDs.


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## officerripley (Jun 6, 2021)

Alligatorob said:


> Yep, probably much older than our current concept of marriage.


"Current" is right; for most of human history, a "traditional" marriage was almost always a man and however many wives he could afford. So there's "traditional" and then there's traditional.


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## Chet (Jun 6, 2021)

Attaching a fancy name to the practice does not give it any credibility. It's only cover for loose morals.


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## Chris P Bacon (Jun 6, 2021)

I don’t think that it’s anything to be worried about. Sometimes in marriages one of the partners (sometimes both) are polyamorous without the other spouses knowledge. That usually doesn’t go over very well when revealed or found out about, I’d think. If the only choices are monogamy or abstinence, then polyamory would seem like an option that may well catch on one day. I think that parenting might be difficult in such a situation but it’s nice to have options, especially for those beyond or not having the capability to parent children. People like choices. How many channels does your TV pull in? Do you only eat one type of food? If you don’t want to be polyamorous I think that you’ll have the option not to be but why deny others the freedom?


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## officerripley (Jun 6, 2021)

Chris P Bacon said:


> I don’t think that it’s anything to be worried about. Sometimes in marriages one of the partners (sometimes both) are polyamorous without the other spouses knowledge. That usually doesn’t go over very well when revealed or found out about, I’d think. If the only choices are monogamy or abstinence, then polyamory would seem like an option that may well catch on one day. *I think that parenting might be difficult in such a situation* but it’s nice to have options, especially for those beyond or not having the capability to parent children. People like choices. How many channels does your TV pull in? Do you only eat one type of food? If you don’t want to be polyamorous I think that you’ll have the option not to be but why deny others the freedom?


Parenting might not always be difficult. Somebody found in the basement of a museum or someplace in France the old journal of a Catholic priest who wrote of his time with French navy in the Caribbean back in the 1500s, I think. The priest was talking to the chief of a hunter/gatherer, foraging tribe, a tribe who had a relaxed, fluid approach to marriage; the priest told the chief that the tribe's approach to marriage was heinous and sinful. Chief says, "Oh, yeah? What's sinful about it?" Priest: Why, the way you practice marriage, the men of your tribe don't even know which of the tribe's children are yours! So therefore you don't even know which children to love!" Chief: So what? All of us adults in this tribe love all the children equally. Priest: No no no, you only need to love the children you know are yours! Chief: Sorry, but seems like our way is better since all our kids are loved by everybody; thanks but no thanks.


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## Chris P Bacon (Jun 6, 2021)

officerripley said:


> Parenting might not always be difficult. Somebody found in the basement of a museum or someplace in France the old journal of a Catholic priest who wrote of his time with French navy in the Caribbean back in the 1500s, I think. The priest was talking to the chief of a hunter/gatherer, foraging tribe, a tribe who had a relaxed, fluid approach to marriage; the priest told the chief that the tribe's approach to marriage was heinous and sinful. Chief says, "Oh, yeah? What's sinful about it?" Priest: Why, the way you practice marriage, the men of your tribe don't even know which of the tribe's children are yours! So therefore you don't even know which children to love!" Chief: So what? All of us adults in this tribe love all the children equally. Priest: No no no, you only need to love the children you know are yours! Chief: Sorry, but seems like our way is better since all our kids are loved by everybody; thanks but no thanks.


That’s a wonderful way of looking at that! Thanks for sharing!


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## Jules (Jun 6, 2021)

Chris P Bacon said:


> Sometimes in marriages one of the partners (sometimes both) are polyamorous without the other spouses knowledge.


That’s called cheating.


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## Chris P Bacon (Jun 6, 2021)

Jules said:


> That’s called cheating.


Yep, a rose by any other name …


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## MarciKS (Jun 6, 2021)

I have a stupid question but I've always been curious....

Do we know of one single solitary couple that's managed to stay faithful to their spouse the entire marriage or is this some ridiculous myth. 

Seems to me the "polyamory" is the new normal relationship these days. Maybe that's why people put "it's complicated" on their marital status. LOL


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## Alligatorob (Jun 6, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> Do we know of one single solitary couple that's managed to stay faithful to their spouse the entire marriage or is this some ridiculous myth.


Hard question to answer, most folks don't talk about it.  But I suspect it is not so uncommon, just not universal for sure.


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## MarciKS (Jun 6, 2021)

Alligatorob said:


> Hard question to answer, most folks don't talk about it.  But I suspect it is not so uncommon, just not universal for sure.


I have a feeling if they exist they are very rare.


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## Lewkat (Jun 6, 2021)

We called it. having an open marriage.


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## Pecos (Jun 6, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> I have a stupid question but I've always been curious....
> 
> Do we know of one single solitary couple that's managed to stay faithful to their spouse the entire marriage or is this some ridiculous myth.
> 
> Seems to me the "polyamory" is the new normal relationship these days. Maybe that's why people put "it's complicated" on their marital status. LOL


I have, and it was easy for me. Probably because I was smitten so hard that I never recovered.


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## JonDouglas (Jun 6, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> I have a stupid question but I've always been curious....
> 
> Do we know of one single solitary couple that's managed to stay faithful to their spouse the entire marriage or is this some ridiculous myth.
> 
> Seems to me the "polyamory" is the new normal relationship these days. Maybe that's why people put "it's complicated" on their marital status. LOL


Yes.  It's not that uncommon.


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## mellowyellow (Jun 6, 2021)

It's sick.


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## MarciKS (Jun 6, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> It's sick.


Welcome to the future.


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## Patch (Jun 6, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> I have a stupid question but I've always been curious....
> 
> Do we know of one single solitary couple that's managed to stay faithful to their spouse the entire marriage or is this some ridiculous myth.


At almost 75 years old and married to a beautiful lady for 55 years... she is the ONLY person I've ever been intimate with.  Working on the road many years.... the last 15 years before retirement, 2000 nights in hotels... I will admit there were "thoughts".  Those thoughts seemed to always return to the vows I had made, the family whose lives my straying would adversely affect, and witnessing the lives of so many people I knew or worked with that I did not want to mirror.  I do believe we both came from rural, 'old school' roots.  We've enjoyed a trust that has helped us weather storms through these 55 years that would have been so difficult had we not been totally committed to each other and our family.

There are some of us still out there.  I do believe, we are a vanishing breed.....


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## Devi (Jun 6, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> I have a stupid question but I've always been curious....
> 
> Do we know of one single solitary couple that's managed to stay faithful to their spouse the entire marriage or is this some ridiculous myth.


My husband and I, for 37 years so far.


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## mellowyellow (Jun 6, 2021)

This is what true love looks like
An elderly man sitting outside of his car door spoon feeding his wife ice cream


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## fuzzybuddy (Jun 6, 2021)

polyamory- I had to look it up,  it's a new word for a really old practice. Having multiple partners before marriage is not illegal, nor is it unknown. I do believe there may be some health issues, if one is not careful-pregnancy being one of them. And you do have to select your friends well. If your morals are a deterrent to the practice, of course you aren't required to perform. And the practice is not for committed, or married relationships.  The reasons are obvious. I don't know, it may be a better way for some to find a more compatible mate?


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 7, 2021)

officerripley said:


> Not a new practice; I suppose it might be a different thing (but at least related, in my opinion) but I remember as a kid (a lonnnng time ago, sigh) hearing about "swingers clubs", a spouse-swapping get-together for a weekend or whatever. And apparently it wasn't all unfounded rumors: the last woman my dad was married to told me that her sister & brother-in-law were "swingers."


As I understand it, swingers are couples that interact with other couples? I have heard of them for a while...seems weird to me but again if there is consent from all involved, isn't that what matters?


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 7, 2021)

JonDouglas said:


> I'd think it would pair well with increased STDs.


I would agree but the argument against is precautions need to be taken in all cases. Seems they would understand  that the fewer partners, the easier the control/prevention of STDs


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 7, 2021)

Jules said:


> That’s called cheating.





Chris P Bacon said:


> Yep, a rose by any other name …


In polyamory all are consenting ...so can it really be called cheating?


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 7, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> I have a stupid question but I've always been curious....
> 
> Do we know of one single solitary couple that's managed to stay faithful to their spouse the entire marriage or is this some ridiculous myth.
> 
> Seems to me the "polyamory" is the new normal relationship these days. Maybe that's why people put "it's complicated" on their marital status. LOL


Oh I think there are many who have been faithful..I was for all 50 years.  Polyamory seems to be close to _open marriage_..which has been around.
This was just the first time I knew someone who was involved...


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 7, 2021)

fuzzybuddy said:


> polyamory- I had to look it up,  it's a new word for a really old practice. Having multiple partners before marriage is not illegal, nor is it unknown. I do believe there may be some health issues, if one is not careful-pregnancy being one of them. And you do have to select your friends well. If your morals are a deterrent to the practice, of course you aren't required to perform. And the practice is not for committed, or married relationships.  The reasons are obvious. I don't know, it may be a better way for some to find a more compatible mate?


I agreed with you before I started reading about it from others' POV. The health issue is true no matter how many partners but of course easier with just one.
I was raised Catholic (non-practicing now) so the morals issue would have been true for me except now I am trying to be non-judgmental and have and am trying to consider right and wrong from all angles. 
As for committed relationships, I still cannot get my head wrapped around the idea that married  and other committed couples can be polyamorous..but there are those who say differently.


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## Jules (Jun 7, 2021)

Chris P Bacon said:


> Sometimes in marriages one of the partners (sometimes both) *are polyamorous without the other spouses knowledge.*





Serenity4321 said:


> In polyamory all are consenting ...so can it really be called cheating?



I’ll repeat my statement that’s called cheating.


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 7, 2021)

Jules said:


> I’ll repeat my statement that’s called cheating.


So sorry I did not connect your statement with the one just above it...


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## 911 (Jun 7, 2021)

Polyamory = Friends with benefits.


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## terry123 (Jun 7, 2021)

My sister and her husband just celebrated their 52nd wedding anniversary and have never been happier.  They have had many troubles but not the issues of cheating.  Mainly trying to make a living farming all these years.  They both have college degrees but he came from a family of farmers and inherited the land.  He also had a mentally retarded brother that he had to take care of when his parents died.  The other brother and sister moved away and he was expected to see about the land and the brother.  My sister fell in love with him in  college and knew the challenges he had before him.  

I admire them both as they have met their challenges and stayed together for over 50 years.


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## fuzzybuddy (Jun 7, 2021)

Serenity4321 said:


> I agreed with you before I started reading about it from others' POV. The health issue is true no matter how many partners but of course easier with just one.
> I was raised Catholic (non-practicing now) so the morals issue would have been true for me except now I am trying to be non-judgmental and have and am trying to consider right and wrong from all angles.
> As for committed relationships, I still cannot get my head wrapped around the idea that married  and other committed couples can be polyamorous..but there are those who say differently.


As an ex-Catholic, atheist, now, some can have a moral issue about polyamory, but that's up to them. Others don't feel the same.. If it's legal, morals don't matter.  You can't implant your morals on others. Personally, if I were in a committed relationship, and there was any infidelity, they'd find their clothes in the gutter.  I believe the open marriages are more like roommates with benefits, than true marriages. Marriage and polyamory are incompatible.


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## Sunny (Jun 7, 2021)

What about all the marriages described in the Bible with multiple spouses?  Polygamy has been around for a much longer time than monogamy. Who are we to say it is wrong or right?  The mores of society are changing all the time.

My husband and I were boringly monogamous, but if people find other ways of life satisfying, and everybody concerned is happy with it, why not?


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 7, 2021)

fuzzybuddy said:


> As an ex-Catholic, atheist, now, some can have a moral issue about polyamory, but that's up to them. Others don't feel the same.. If it's legal, morals don't matter.  You can't implant your morals on others. Personally, if I were in a committed relationship, and there was any infidelity, they'd find their clothes in the gutter.  I believe the open marriages are more like roommates with benefits, than true marriages. Marriage and polyamory are incompatible.


 I agree with your statement of marriage for me, and am trying to understand why others feel differently..That's just me..


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 7, 2021)

Sunny said:


> What about all the marriages described in the Bible with multiple spouses?  Polygamy has been around for a much longer time than monogamy. Who are we to say it is wrong or right?  The mores of society are changing all the time.
> 
> My husband and I were boringly monogamous, but if people find other ways of life satisfying, and everybody concerned is happy with it, why not?


Well said Sunny and that is how I feel especially asking who am I to say they are immoral...and their choice is right or wrong. What may be wrong for me could be right for someone else

My husband and I too were monogamous and never considered or wanted anything else...as far as I know  He is gone now, died 8/19/19

I like your attitude


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## officerripley (Jun 7, 2021)




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## Serenity4321 (Jun 7, 2021)

officerripley said:


> View attachment 168238


TY...William James. huh? I haven't read him for some time...


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## fuzzybuddy (Jun 7, 2021)

I had a buddy in the Navy, He said, "At any time, anything can happen with two people". With all the moralizing, etc., I have to say he proved that statement, over, and over. Much later, I remember having a hospital conference, where another buddy was getting married to a nurse on my right, and was having sex with the nurse on my left. And the psychologist was having an affair with another nurse, and his wife was the nurse on my left. So polyamory, is just a new name for an old practice.


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## Chris P Bacon (Jun 7, 2021)




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## JimBob1952 (Jun 7, 2021)

WASPs don't do this kind of thing.  Too many thank-you notes to write.


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## Martha Ferris (Jun 7, 2021)

Serenity4321 said:


> I think it's ok to discuss this?? If not I have no problem having a manager delete the thread.
> This came up a few weeks ago ..a friend of mine told me her daughter is involved with the polyamory crowd. I didn't know what that meant and was shocked and surprised once I researched the practice. I do not know anyone who is polyamorous but it seems some kids in their 20, 30, 40s think it is a good idea and seem to cite the divorce rate as one solution to the problems in marriage. Apparently single, engaged, married people are all involved.
> I keep seeing the jealousy factor and resultant hurt as the main problems but then if it is by mutual consent are those risks 'worth it' to some?
> 
> ...


I just discovered that my oldest daughter and her husband are in an intimate relationship with another couple and have been for a year.  They are now buying a big house together and all supposedly share the same bed.  I was shocked because it was completely unexpected and I also wondered about the logistics of sharing the same bed.  I do not disapprove however as long as that relationship does not adversely affect the kids.  I have two beliefs concerning relationships:  What two consenting adults do in private is no ones business but their own AND the more people you have in your life who love you the better off you are.


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## Martha Ferris (Jun 7, 2021)

Chet said:


> Attaching a fancy name to the practice does not give it any credibility. It's only cover for loose morals.


Who decides what is moral?  Why is what consenting adults do in private anyones elses business?


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## Martha Ferris (Jun 7, 2021)

fuzzybuddy said:


> polyamory- I had to look it up,  it's a new word for a really old practice. Having multiple partners before marriage is not illegal, nor is it unknown. I do believe there may be some health issues, if one is not careful-pregnancy being one of them. And you do have to select your friends well. If your morals are a deterrent to the practice, of course you aren't required to perform. And the practice is not for committed, or married relationships.  The reasons are obvious. I don't know, it may be a better way for some to find a more compatible mate?


One must take the same health precautions as one would in any intimate relationship and married couples do engage with spousal consent and even participation.


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## JimBob1952 (Jun 7, 2021)

Every experiment in "free love" I've ever read about ends the same way, in a big mess of jealousy, rage and ill-will.   Humans are humans and will behave as such.  

Otherwise, sounds like fun.  Too bad I'm too old for for such activities.


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## Keesha (Jun 7, 2021)

A member here used to be in a polygamous relationship. Maybe this person will jump in and add their viewpoint and experience.


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## JimBob1952 (Jun 7, 2021)

Keesha said:


> A member here used to be in a polygamous relationship. Maybe this person will jump in and add their viewpoint and experience.



I was going to make a joke about getting the whole group to join in, but I decided not to.


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## Chris P Bacon (Jun 7, 2021)

Martha Ferris said:


> Who decides what is moral?  Why is what consenting adults do in private anyones elses business?


What happens behind closed doors or within closed minds is no business or concern of mine.


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## Chet (Jun 7, 2021)

Martha Ferris said:


> Who decides what is moral?  Why is what consenting adults do in private anyones elses business?


Society decides what is normal.


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## Keesha (Jun 7, 2021)

Chet said:


> Society decides what is normal.


Like **** they do.


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## Martha Ferris (Jun 7, 2021)

Chet said:


> Society decides what is normal.


But it is not carved in stone.  Norms are constantly shifting.  It used to be normal to own slaves in the south.  The question is who if anyone is it hurting?  That should be our concern.  Consenting adults in private.  What they do is between themselves.  If an action is not interfering with the rights of others nor hurting anyone then we need to mind our own business.  If you don't like it don't do it.


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## Chris P Bacon (Jun 7, 2021)

Normal, abnormal, just words


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## Keesha (Jun 7, 2021)

JimBob1952 said:


> I was going to make a joke about getting the whole group to join in, but I decided not to.


If this person does join in and contribute, I think you will be genuinely surprised.


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## Keesha (Jun 7, 2021)

Martha Ferris said:


> But it is not carved in stone.  The question is who if anyone is it hurting?  That should be our concern.  Consenting adults in private.  What they do is between themselves.


Absolutely right.


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## JimBob1952 (Jun 7, 2021)

Keesha said:


> If this person does join in and contribute, I think you will be genuinely surprised.



I don't care that much.  I have a wonderful marriage and would never do anything to jeopardize it.  Morals aside, I think people who engage in this kind of behavior are promiscuous idiots.


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## Keesha (Jun 7, 2021)

JimBob1952 said:


> I don't care that much.  I have a wonderful marriage and would never do anything to jeopardize it.  Morals aside, I think people who engage in this kind of behavior are promiscuous idiots.


There’s so much I’d love to say but it’s not my place.  You are entitled to your opinion. I really hope this person comments here on the topic. It’s fascinating . I personally can’t relate to anything you’ve said regarding the topic.


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## Keesha (Jun 7, 2021)

Actually I got polyamory and polygamous mixed up. Polyamory is about ****** and romantic relationships with more than one partner. Polygamy involves being married to more than one partner and it often involves a religious element to it. The person I speak of was in a polygamous marriage.


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## JimBob1952 (Jun 7, 2021)

Keesha said:


> There’s so much I’d love to say but it’s not my place.  You are entitled to your opinion. I really hope this person comments here on the topic. It’s fascinating . I personally can’t relate to anything you’ve said regarding the topic.



The topic is polyamory.  Polygamy is a whole different thing.  

I'm sorry you can't relate to things I say, and I'll leave it at that.


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## Keesha (Jun 7, 2021)

JimBob1952 said:


> The topic is polyamory.  Polygamy is a whole different thing.
> 
> I'm sorry you can't relate to things I say, and I'll leave it at that.


Yes as you can see from my previous post and I’ll leave it at that.


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## ohioboy (Jun 7, 2021)

JimBob1952 said:


> The topic is polyamory.  Polygamy is a whole different thing.
> 
> I'm sorry you can't relate to things I say, and I'll leave it at that.



Words of similar import. POLY = MANY: Amory = amourous.


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## Keesha (Jun 7, 2021)

JimBob1952 said:


> I don't care that much.  I have a wonderful marriage and would never do anything to jeopardize it.  Morals aside, I think people who engage in this kind of behavior are promiscuous idiots.


I don’t care that much either. I’m not sure what exactly you thought I was getting at but i also have a wonderful marriage and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize it. 
Morals aside, I don’t have a clue about the character of such people. Since I thought the topic was about polygamy and I know someone who shared their experience about it, I thought I’d mention it. The person who shared this lifestyle shed a completely different perspective which was the furthest from promiscuous. I found the story very interesting.

Then again, why would I even answer such a topic? It must mean I have some type of interest and if I have such an interest that must mean I have no morals. If I have no morals that must mean I’m a ‘bad’ person.
 A female bad person. 


If I share joyous positive experiences , I’m considered a show off. If I offer an answer to a question , I’m considered a know-it-all. If I have a different point of view, Im considered aggressive. If I offer something unbelievable, I must be lying. If I offer kindness, I’m being pretentious or manipulative. If I offer humour, I’m considered anything from inappropriate to rude.

And heaven forbid if I ask someone a personal question via pm, that  could be considered stalking by some. 

Lately I don’t seem to be doing anything right so I think it’s time to say goodbye. I seem to rub people the wrong way and I don’t know how to be anyone else but my annoying self.

Maybe I just need a long break ……

Later boys & girls? Can I still use those terms? 

Talk care.
Stay safe. 
Live, love & laugh… hard.


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## Becky1951 (Jun 7, 2021)

Keesha said:


> I don’t care that much either. I’m not sure what exactly you thought I was getting at but i also have a wonderful marriage and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize it.
> Morals aside, I don’t have a clue about the character of such people. Since I thought the topic was about polygamy and I know someone who shared their experience about it, I thought I’d mention it. The person who shared this lifestyle shed a completely different perspective which was the furthest from promiscuous. I found the story very interesting.
> 
> Then again, why would I even answer such a topic? It must mean I have some type of interest and if I have such an interest that must mean I have no morals. If I have no morals that must mean I’m a ‘bad’ person.
> ...


Keesha please don't let others run you off. I enjoy your posts and comments. There are always those who feel superior and try to make others feels dumb, incompetent or anything they can think of.


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## Pecos (Jun 7, 2021)

Becky1951 said:


> Keesha please don't let others run you off. I enjoy your posts and comments. There are always those who feel superior and try to make others feels dumb, incompetent or anything they can think of.


So do I and I hope you stay.


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## Devi (Jun 7, 2021)

Keesha, don't go. The heck with those who make you feel bad. Tell them to buzz off ... and use the Ignore button.


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## Jules (Jun 7, 2021)

Ditto what Pecos, Becky & Devi said.


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## Chris P Bacon (Jun 7, 2021)

I  Polyamory!


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 10, 2021)

Martha Ferris said:


> I just discovered that my oldest daughter and her husband are in an intimate relationship with another couple and have been for a year.  They are now buying a big house together and all supposedly share the same bed.  I was shocked because it was completely unexpected and I also wondered about the logistics of sharing the same bed.  I do not disapprove however as long as that relationship does not adversely affect the kids.  I have two beliefs concerning relationships:  What two consenting adults do in private is no ones business but their own AND the more people you have in your life who love you the better off you are.


Good for you..I have to admit years ago I would have been shocked and judgemental. I have mellowed over the years...maybe matured is a better word? 
 Now I see all the moral issues differently but I do still wonder about this polyamory thing. The redeeming value to me is all are aware and consent to the 'lifestyle'. I still think jealousy could be a big problem with resultant hurt feelings but isn't that true of other situations as well.


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 10, 2021)

Keesha said:


> A member here used to be in a polygamous relationship. Maybe this person will jump in and add their viewpoint and experience.


I would welcome that  I think the std issue would be a problem but I still think Polygamy could have advantages...but I would not go there...


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## AnnieA (Jun 10, 2021)

Martha Ferris said:


> I just discovered that my oldest daughter and her husband are in an intimate relationship with another couple and have been for a year.  They are now buying a big house together and all supposedly share the same bed.  I was shocked because it was completely unexpected and I also wondered about the logistics of sharing the same bed.  I do not disapprove however as long as that relationship does not adversely affect the kids.  I have two beliefs concerning relationships:  What two consenting adults do in private is no ones business but their own AND the more people you have in your life who love you the better off you are.



I can almost see lawyers salivating over the eventual sale of that home, human nature being what it is...    How old are the kids?


----------



## Serenity4321 (Jun 10, 2021)

JimBob1952 said:


> I don't care that much.  I have a wonderful marriage and would never do anything to jeopardize it.  Morals aside, I think people who engage in this kind of behavior are promiscuous idiots.


And no doubt you are not alone in your POV...I just more and more want to _live and let live_ and not be as judgemental as I once was...btw...I am not calling u judgemental, I just know I once was and sometimes still am...but I am working on it...


----------



## Serenity4321 (Jun 10, 2021)

*Keesha,          PLEASE don't go. Your posts are so informative and enjoyable to read...we need you here.

*


----------



## JimBob1952 (Jun 10, 2021)

Serenity4321 said:


> And no doubt you are not alone in your POV...I just more and more want to _live and let live_ and not be as judgemental as I once was...btw...I am not calling u judgemental, I just know I once was and sometimes still am...but I am working on it...




Doesn't really matter if I'm judgmental or not.  I believe people have a perfect right to behave as they please as long as no one gets hurt.


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 10, 2021)

JimBob1952 said:


> Doesn't really matter if I'm judgmental or not.  I believe people have a perfect right to behave as they please as long as no one gets hurt.


I just wanted to make clear I was thinking about me and no one else when I was posting about being judgemental..


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## JimBob1952 (Jun 10, 2021)

I just wanted to make clear I was thinking about me and no one else when I was posting about being judgemental..
[/QUOTE]

It's possible (I think) to be judgmental and yet take a "live and let live" attitude.   For example, I don't smoke weed and don't find it interesting.  But I think people who do smoke it have every right to do so.


----------



## drifter (Jun 10, 2021)

I guess I'm a little old fashioned. I did bump into it as a much younger man, but the whole idea turned me off. What they did
was entirely their business, but what I objected to was the attempt to bring others into togetherness. I suppose I was hasty but I dropped out of a circle of friends. I think that's when I took up golf. But dang, where are they now?


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## AnnieA (Jun 10, 2021)

Keesha said:


> I don’t care that much either. I’m not sure what exactly you thought I was getting at but i also have a wonderful marriage and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize it.
> Morals aside, I don’t have a clue about the character of such people. Since I thought the topic was about polygamy and I know someone who shared their experience about it, I thought I’d mention it. The person who shared this lifestyle shed a completely different perspective which was the furthest from promiscuous. I found the story very interesting.
> 
> Then again, why would I even answer such a topic? It must mean I have some type of interest and if I have such an interest that must mean I have no morals. If I have no morals that must mean I’m a ‘bad’ person.
> ...



(((Keesha)))   I think maybe you're misunderstood because you think independently. So many people are narrow-mindedly conservative or liberal and are threatened by that. Thank you for your 'Keesha' insights and I look forward to reading them again after your break.


----------



## AnnieA (Jun 10, 2021)

Serenity4321 said:


> I still think jealousy could be a big problem with resultant hurt feelings but isn't that true of other situations as well.



That and other worries as well. I also worry about group permissibility when there are children and even older teens in the household with free ****** mores outside a committed couple (regardless of whether they're bio parents) raising children.

****** abuse of children in a traditional two parent home is often perpertrated as much by the denial of the passive parent that enables the active abuser.   I wonder how the dynamics of that might be stronger if there's one adult abuser and several more adults in denial within a home?    Also, it tends to be that the more adults involved in a 'family group' the more there's potential for other kinds of abuse.  Think of fundamentalist Islam ...multiple wives who group think in parenting young girls to have no rights.  Parenting negotiations aren't easy with two, and it seems logical that involving more people has the potential to complicate that further.   Dunno if there's much research yet for the health of children in multi-parent homes in Western culture.  There's reams and reams written about step-family issues; I wonder if a multi-adult romantic situation within one household might play the adults and children against each other in a similar fashion.


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## mellowyellow (Jun 10, 2021)

The meaning of self-indulgence 
*excessive or unrestrained gratification of one's own appetites, desires, or whims.*

Those poor kids will be screwed up for life.


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## Martha Ferris (Jun 11, 2021)

AnnieA said:


> I can almost see lawyers salivating over the eventual sale of that home, human nature being what it is...    How old are the kids?


In their thirties.  Yes, I was wondering the same thing.  What if this does not work out?


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## AnnieA (Jun 11, 2021)

Martha Ferris said:


> In their thirties.  Yes, I was wondering the same thing.  What if this does not work out?



If there are no minor children involved, then I wouldn't worry about it.   It sounds like an unwise decision financially but people make those every day.   I would advise that they try their sleeping arrangements for awhile before buying the house.  The two who don't get an outer side to the bed aren't going to be comfortable.


----------



## Martha Ferris (Jun 11, 2021)

AnnieA said:


> If there are no minor children involved, then I wouldn't worry about it.   It sounds like an unwise decision financially but people make those every day.   I would advise that they try their sleeping arrangements for awhile before buying the house.  The two who don't get an outer side to the bed aren't going to be comfortable.


As I said if someones actions don't interfere with the rights of others or hurt anything or anyone then what consenting adults do in private is none of my business.  They have been together for a year.  Still can't figure out the bed arrangement.  Not my cup of tea.


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## AnnieA (Jun 11, 2021)

Martha Ferris said:


> They have been together for a year.  Still can't figure out the bed arrangement.  Not my cup of tea



Sounds like they've worked it out then.  Maybe they flip for turns for the two outer sides of the bed or determine it by who has to get up to pee in the night. The arrangement isn't my cup of tea either but as a very light sleeper with periodic insomnia, I do find the logistics interesting. 

As for your consenting adults bit, I totally agree.


----------



## asp3 (Jun 11, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> It's sick.



My how judgmental.  If it works for people and all involved are happy, why would it be sick?


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## asp3 (Jun 11, 2021)

It will probably be no surprise to many people here that I am polyamorous.  However I choose to live monogamously because that is what my wife wants.  We did have an open relationship for a while, but she eventually wanted to close it again and we did.

I've known a lot of polyamorous people and they all have various levels of success in their relationships.  There are many different types of polyamorous relationships that work for different people and groups of people.

The biggest difference (at least from the perspective of most of the poly community) between polyamory and swinging is that the focus on swinging is sex, whereas polyamory focuses on loving relationships that often include ****** intimacy but don't always include a ****** component.

I find nothing wrong with monogamy, but it isn't what I would strive for myself.  However it does work well for most people and I would definitely say it's the default human relationship model.

Sometimes people do cheat in polyamorous relationships because they break a rule agreed upon by their partner or partners.  It's just like cheating in a monogamous relationship where one has pledge to remain faithful to one's partner.

I haven't been active in the poly community for years but was fairly deeply immersed in it in the mid to late 90's.  Just as people with other shared interests meet for potlucks, conferences, parties, etc... that's what the folks I knew did.  I'm sure some people envision such meetings as the lead up to indulgent orgies, but I haven't seen that happen.

I just wish I'd known about successful poly relationships in my late teens or early 20's.  I'd have understood that the kind of relationships that I desired were possible and that the standard monogamous coupling was only one option for living one's life.


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 11, 2021)

asp3 said:


> It will probably be no surprise to many people here that I am polyamorous.  However I choose to live monogamously because that is what my wife wants.  We did have an open relationship for a while, but she eventually wanted to close it again and we did.
> 
> I've known a lot of polyamorous people and they all have various levels of success in their relationships.  There are many different types of polyamorous relationships that work for different people and groups of people.
> 
> The biggest difference (at least from the perspective of most of the poly community) between polyamory and swiThank you


Thank you for sharing..I am very curious about it and totally non-judgmental. I have a question though..I do not understand what is the purpose of getting married if one is committed to polyamory?? Seems that means they want to have more than one 'significant other'. 
Seems to me unless children are involved there is no point?  I have always thought faithfulness was a given commitment in marriage.. though we all know that is often not the case. So then why marry?


----------



## Serenity4321 (Jun 11, 2021)

asp3 said:


> My how judgmental.  If it works for people and all involved are happy, why would it be sick?


I think there was a time I too would have thought Polyamory was totally morally wrong..I have changed my mind on that and especially since all involved consent, imo  it is certainly a step better than adultery or other cheating


----------



## asp3 (Jun 11, 2021)

Serenity4321 said:


> Thank you for sharing..I am very curious about it and totally non-judgmental. I have a question though..I do not understand what is the purpose of getting married if one is committed to polyamory?? Seems that means they want to have more than one 'significant other'.
> Seems to me unless children are involved there is no point?  I have always thought faithfulness was a given commitment in marriage.. though we all know that is often not the case. So then why marry?



There are two types of marriages, legal ones that bestow individuals with certain rights to the two people in the marriage.  Then there are ones that I don't really have a name for.  It's similar to the religious portion of a marriage for those in traditional marriages.  It binds the two people (in the case of a traditional marriage) together through their shared beliefs in marriage (often joining in the eyes of their creator.)

I've known several poly people and groups who've had "joining" ceremonies to add another person to their group and/or to join together a member of a group with someone else.  It really depends on the dynamic and structure of the poly relationships the people share.

I think that many people like to have some sort of commitment to others either individually or as a group and that is why some polyamorous people have marriage like rituals and relationships even though they have multiple relationships.

One common poly model is for a person to have one primary relationship and one or more secondary relationships.  This is the model I would gravitate towards if I were to be poly again.  In this case my marriage to my wife is important because that is my primary relationship.  I wouldn't necessarily feel compelled to have any sort of formalized relationship with a secondary, but would consider doing so if that is what the secondary wanted.  Of course my wife would have to agree that our primary relationship would allow formalized secondary relationships.


----------



## asp3 (Jun 11, 2021)

Serenity4321 said:


> I think there was a time I too would have thought Polyamory was totally morally wrong..I have changed my mind on that and especially since all involved consent, imo  it is certainly a step better than adultery or other cheating



I consider there to be a huge difference in calling something morally wrong and calling it sick.


----------



## Aunt Marg (Jun 11, 2021)

Serenity4321 said:


> I think it's ok to discuss this?? If not I have no problem having a manager delete the thread.
> This came up a few weeks ago ..a friend of mine told me her daughter is involved with the polyamory crowd. I didn't know what that meant and was shocked and surprised once I researched the practice. I do not know anyone who is polyamorous but it seems some kids in their 20, 30, 40s think it is a good idea and seem to cite the divorce rate as one solution to the problems in marriage. Apparently single, engaged, married people are all involved.
> I keep seeing the jealousy factor and resultant hurt as the main problems but then if it is by mutual consent are those risks 'worth it' to some?
> 
> ...


I'm super old-school/old-fashioned, so am 100% against such.

In my mind I think... why get married. If people want to just play around their entire lives then stay single.


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## Sunny (Jun 11, 2021)

> One common poly model is for a person to have one primary relationship and one or more secondary relationships.  This is the model I would gravitate towards if I were to be poly again.  In this case my marriage to my wife is important because that is my primary relationship.  I wouldn't necessarily feel compelled to have any sort of formalized relationship with a secondary, but would consider doing so if that is what the secondary wanted.  Of course my wife would have to agree that our primary relationship would allow formalized secondary relationships.


Asp, have you seen the TV series Big Love? I don't remember which channel showed it, maybe HBO. It's about a Mormon family in Utah with an arrangement similar to what you describe in the above paragraph. The man has three wives, each in her own house, but the houses are all next door to each other in a lovely suburban community. The first wife (the first one he married) has a sort of "head wife" status. The wives are all friends, in fact they call each other "sister wives." The guy takes turns spending nights with the various wives.  Their "arrangement" is kept secret from the neighbors.

Of course, this being a TV series, they make it more interesting by having one of them the daughter of a cult leader where polygamy is carried to extremes, including child brides. I don;t remember too much more about the series, it was a while back. Maybe it's streaming on one of the channels.


----------



## Chris P Bacon (Jun 11, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> Those poor kids will be screwed up for life.



Lots of today’s kids (and yesterday’s kids too) were or are “screwed up for life” by parents in monagamous relationships. If nothing ever changes, including the way that people relate to one another, then nothing ever will change. Polyamory basically means  - many loves, not unlimited ****** adventures. The focus seems to be merely on the ****** aspect and not on the loving parts that can be there. I don’t see more love in this world as a bad thing at all, let alone something that might screw things up from what they already are.


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## asp3 (Jun 11, 2021)

Sunny said:


> Asp, have you seen the TV series Big Love? I don't remember which channel showed it, maybe HBO. It's about a Mormon family in Utah with an arrangement similar to what you describe in the above paragraph. The man has three wives, each in her own house, but the houses are all next door to each other in a lovely suburban community. The first wife (the first one he married) has a sort of "head wife" status. The wives are all friends, in fact they call each other "sister wives." The guy takes turns spending nights with the various wives.  Their "arrangement" is kept secret from the neighbors.
> 
> Of course, this being a TV series, they make it more interesting by having one of them the daughter of a cult leader where polygamy is carried to extremes, including child brides. I don;t remember too much more about the series, it was a while back. Maybe it's streaming on one of the channels.



I haven't seen that one but I have seen some episodes of sister wives.  That seems more like polygamy as opposed to polyamory.  Polyamory generally allows for any of the people within a group to have multiple relationships.  There is one form called Polyfidelity where the group must decide whether or not to allow another person or persons into the group and all people within the group only have relationships within the group.

I've met people with many types of relationships.  I've met Polygyny groups where the woman has relationships with multiple men who do not have relationships with any other women or men.  I've met poly couples who are both bi and each have secondary relationships with people of any gender identification they're attracted to.

The key to having successful poly relationships is well understood and accepted relationship agreements and the ability to communicate about one's needs and desires and those of others in the same relationship or outside relationships.  I've generally found that communication in poly relationships is somewhat better than standard monogamous relationships because there isn't a general agreed upon understanding of what the relationship is.  However I've also definitely seen poly relationships blow up due to bad communication.


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## asp3 (Jun 11, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> I'm super old-school/old-fashioned, so am 100% against such.
> 
> In my mind I think... why get married. If people want to just play around their entire lives then stay single.



When you say you're 100% against does that just mean it isn't for you or do you think others should be prevented from having poly relationships?

Having or wanting a committed long term relationship to one person does not preclude one from having other relationships as well as long as both people in the committed relationship agree that outside relationships are acceptable.  I can see it might seem like wanting one's cake and eating it too for you.

Once again the reasons for getting married can be legal and/or financial.  Sometimes the primary couple limits procreation to themselves in which case it's helpful to be married for the status of one's children.


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 11, 2021)

asp3 said:


> When you say you're 100% against does that just mean it isn't for you or do you think others should be prevented from having poly relationships?
> 
> Having or wanting a committed long term relationship to one person does not preclude one from having other relationships as well as long as both people in the committed relationship agree that outside relationships are acceptable.  I can see it might seem like wanting one's cake and eating it too for you.
> 
> Once again the reasons for getting married can be legal and/or financial.  Sometimes the primary couple limits procreation to themselves in which case it's helpful to be married for the status of one's children.


I'm against it all the way around.

I think for the most part older people like myself do not approve of such lifestyles, especially those like myself with traditional values.


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## asp3 (Jun 11, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> I'm against it all the way around.
> 
> I think for the most part older people like myself do not approve of such lifestyles, especially those like myself with traditional values.



So do you think that people should be prevented from living their lives in ways you don't agree with?  That is how I'm reading what you wrote but I want to be sure I am understanding you correctly.


----------



## Aunt Marg (Jun 11, 2021)

asp3 said:


> So do you think that people should be prevented from living their lives in ways you don't agree with?  That is how I'm reading what you wrote but I want to be sure I am understanding you correctly.


You're reading my words correct.

I didn't say people should be prevented from living their lives in ways I don't agree with, I simply find the lifestyle disgusting being the old-fashioned traditionalist that I am.


----------



## AnnieA (Jun 11, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> Those poor kids will be screwed up for life.




I can see where parents' polyamorous lifestyle might be unhealthy for children is several ways.  But I think it's no more harmful than the ever shifting partners of serial monogamy.


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## Elsie (Jun 11, 2021)

Serenity4321 said:


> Thank you for sharing..I am very curious about it and totally non-judgmental. I have a question though..I do not understand what is the purpose of getting married if one is committed to polyamory?? Seems that means they want to have more than one 'significant other'.
> Seems to me unless children are involved there is no point?  I have always thought faithfulness was a given commitment in marriage.. though we all know that is often not the case. So then why marry?


Exactly!!!!!!!   I'd love to hear from many who have been into polyamory or into polygamy for awhile if they have deep down fully honest satisfaction from that life style.


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## asp3 (Jun 11, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> You're reading my words correct.
> 
> I didn't say people should be prevented from living their lives in ways I don't agree with, I simply find the lifestyle disgusting being the old-fashioned traditionalist that I am.



Thank you for clarifying, I wasn't reading you properly.  When I hear someone is 100% against something I take it to mean they want to prevent others from doing it.


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 11, 2021)

asp3 said:


> Thank you for clarifying, I wasn't reading you properly.  When I hear someone is 100% against something I take it to mean they want to prevent others from doing it.


Always a pleasure chatting with you, Asp.


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 11, 2021)

Elsie said:


> Exactly!!!!!!!   I'd love to hear from many who have been into polyamory or into polygamy for awhile if they have deep down fully honest satisfaction from that life style.


I can almost understand Polygamy..at least it is committed relationships with everyone aware of all others. It could also be nourturing for children.
 LOL as I said before it might not be so bad to have several husbands...depending on one's mood, ya know   When one ticks you off you turn to another.


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## Paco Dennis (Jun 11, 2021)

Keesha said:


> A member here used to be in a polygamous relationship. Maybe this person will jump in and add their viewpoint and experience.


  When I was single (divorced twice)and about 38 I got involved with a couple that was open to a threesome. We messed around once and it seemed to improve our relationship...though I turned down anymore offers. Soon after I met the person I am still with, a couple years into our relationship a female asked to do a threesome. We tried it and it was not very fun. It ended up very poorly with increased weird behavior from our friend, until she divorced and became a married lesbian, and I never responded to her again. That's it for me...about 30 years ago.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jun 11, 2021)

Polyamory is different than polygamy. At the age of 45, I entered into a polygamous marriage. We were together for more than 25 years until my husband died in 2018. Polygamy in Islam (at least in our case) is different from what I've read about polyamory.  Although I loved my (future) husband very much, after much trepidation, a lot of reading up on the subject both from Islamic and secular sources and changing my mind several times, I finally married him. It was beneficial to me for many reasons.  Initially I was so worried about what my family and friends would think but it became a non issue since everyone loved him and loved us as a couple.

People think of polygamy as a man "eating his cake and having it too" but in Islam it's not that simple. Such husbands have to please and support both their wives and treat them each fairly. Try doing that with menopausal women.  Ironically I was a jealous person before and during part of the time we were married. Didn't help that my husband was gorgeous and had lots of sometimes brazen admirers. Islam allowed polygamy (did not invent or encourage it) for two main reasons. During the holy wars, many women and children lost their husbands/fathers. The men who were left took on more wives in order to support them and their children. Secondly, It is said that God ordered: "Choose 4 and divorce the rest". That was because back in biblical times, men had several wives and concubines.  And trust me, my polygamous experience was nothing like what they show on Sister Wives. Another point about polygamy. The wives are given respect and are entitled to their husbands' properties unlike mistresses of a large percentage of married men in this country who have admitted to having affairs.

A couple of years ago, the first polyamory couple I read about was in their 20s and engaged. A news site did an article about the practice and featured them. She had another boyfriend and a girlfriend. He also had someone else but I can't remember if it was male or female. Both had the other partners with each other's consent. You mentioned polyamory participants as being in their 20s, 30s & 40s but lets not forget the "swingers" of our generation. Also Baby Boomer gay men participated in some hot orgies back in the day at The Baths and places like that. How do I know this? Some of them wound up being our patients in the STD clinic and told us all about the lifestyle.


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## ohioboy (Jun 11, 2021)

Dictionary definitions do not always convey on the whole from a societal or moral aspect.  "Swinging", whether swapping partners or engaging in Orgies, is a form of polyamory/polygamy. Adultery is illegal in very few states and defective/desuetude as far as a criminal prosecution is concerned.

Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt, when it should have been pepper.


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## Pepper (Jun 11, 2021)

ohioboy said:


> Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt, when it should have been pepper.


Hey!  I resemble that!


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## Keesha (Jun 11, 2021)

AnnieA said:


> (((Keesha)))   I think maybe you're misunderstood because you think independently. So many people are narrow-mindedly conservative or liberal and are threatened by that. Thank you for your 'Keesha' insights and I look forward to reading them again after your break.


I wasn’t misunderstood. I misunderstood the topic.

The topic is polyamory which I know nothing about. My misunderstanding is thinking it was polygamy which I know little to nothing about.

Most of the information I know about it
(polygamy) comes from tv shows and articles written about it. Many cults seem to use polygamy to lure young girls into marriage and ****** relationships which I find interesting but appalling at the same time.

Polygamy is also practiced in certain religions. Girls are told at a young age that they will be married to someone they might not even like or respect yet have no choice in the matter. Then there are religions who make huge financial gains by selling off their daughters like cattle. Girls who run away are often hunted down and killed. Surprisingly fathers would rather lose their daughter than lose face with family and friends if the daughter opposes or fights back the planned arrangement.

I’m not into any of the above. In fact, I’m hugely opposed to it however it’s none of my business. Readying about these types of marriages I find very disheartening and disturbing. Then one day a member here wrote about what it was like to be born and raised into a religion who practiced polygamy and it wasn’t at all what I expected. Sex wasn’t a priority but it was expected. What I found most interesting was the trusting bond these women formed with one another. This woman said the emotional intimacy between the women is what gave them courage and strength. They learned to support and love each other instead of competing. It was a perspective I hadn’t considered due to my own judgments.

While trying to communicate my thoughts, I panicked which happens sometimes.


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## mellowyellow (Jun 11, 2021)

_So many people are narrow-mindedly conservative or liberal and are threatened by that._

Yep, that's me, it's still sick IMO.


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## ohioboy (Jun 11, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> _So many people are narrow-mindedly conservative or liberal and are threatened by that._
> 
> Yep, that's me, it's still sick IMO.


What about same sex couples, does that make you sick?


----------



## mellowyellow (Jun 11, 2021)

ohioboy said:


> What about same sex couples, does that make you sick?


That's a different subject.


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## ohioboy (Jun 11, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> That's a different subject.


Doesn't change the direct question.


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## asp3 (Jun 11, 2021)

ohioboy said:


> "Swinging", whether swapping partners or engaging in Orgies, is a form of polyamory/polygamy.



Many people who identify who identify as polyamorous will vigorously disagree with you.  Most of the people I've met in the poly community avoid those in the swinging community because for them swinging is about the sex and polyamory is about the love.  However there is some crossover and some people from the swinging community get involved with the polyamory community and start having polyamorous relationships because the find them deeper and more satisfying than swinging relationships.


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## ohioboy (Jun 11, 2021)

I understand that Asp. Personal feelings/identification is the key to it.


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## Keesha (Jun 11, 2021)

ohioboy said:


> Dictionary definitions do not always convey on the whole from a societal or moral aspect.  "Swinging", whether swapping partners or engaging in Orgies, is a form of polyamory/polygamy.


https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/polyamory-vs-polygamy#key-differences

Swingers ? How can you possibly say that women born Mormon or Muslim who have no say in how or who they marry, are swingers? Most are virgins who are forced to marry men who want multiple partners. These women  don’t want multiple partners nor is it allowed. The only partner they are allowed to be with is their husband. How can you possibly classify this as swinging?

If you look up the meaning of swinging, this doesn’t even come close. 

The above link clarifies the differences. 
I see that OneEyedDiva shared her story. I wouldn’t consider her a promiscuous swinger.


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## Lakeland living (Jun 11, 2021)

Knowing some people in Polyamorous  relaionships  I see no harm in choices. And I think it is up to them,


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## ohioboy (Jun 11, 2021)

I had no inference to forced or coerced marriages, free will is different. I'm aware of cultural differences.


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## Warrigal (Jun 11, 2021)

Lakeland living said:


> Knowing some people in Polyamorous  relaionships  I see no harm in choices. And I think it is up to them,


My choice is the Pauline version of marriage. Hubby and I have never 'known' anyone else in the biblical sense and this exclusive relationship has sustained us through thick and thin for 58 years. We are co-equal partners and mutual support for each other.

Engaging in ****** adventures would not have added anything lasting to our lives but I do remember that as a young wife I often mused on the possibility of a second wife because I was a bit lonely and overwhelmed by marriage and children. What I really wanted was a good female friend.


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## Keesha (Jun 11, 2021)

ohioboy said:


> I had no inference to forced or coerced marriages, free will is different. I'm aware of cultural differences.


But you didn’t claim that when you concluded that polygamous relationships equal swingers. That statement isn’t anywhere close to truth for ‘all’ involved.


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## ohioboy (Jun 11, 2021)

Keesha said:


> But you didn’t claim that when you concluded that polygamous relationships equal swingers. That statement isn’t anywhere close to truth for ‘all’ involved.


Clear now?


----------



## Keesha (Jun 11, 2021)

ohioboy said:


> Clear now?


That you stereotyped a whole class of people in a degrading , inappropriate manner? 
Yes! Very clear!


----------



## ohioboy (Jun 11, 2021)

Keesha said:


> That you stereotyped a whole class of people in a degrading , inappropriate manner?
> Yes! Very clear!


Oh get real, I did no such thing. You read it that way, that's not my worry.


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## Elsie (Jun 12, 2021)

ohioboy said:


> What about same sex couples, does that make you sick?


Butting in here........it doesn't make me sick, but sad.  The couples won't think 'sad' but feel so right.


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 12, 2021)

ohioboy said:


> What about same sex couples, does that make you sick?


Re: same sex couples, that's a big no-no in my world.

I do not accept or support such, nor do I believe same sex marriages should be allowed.

Vehemently against such, zero tolerance.

I'm old-fashioned to the bone and don't care how far the world or society has progressed.


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## Pepper (Jun 12, 2021)

We're all nuts.  It's all just a matter of degree and functioning.


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 12, 2021)

Pepper said:


> We're all nuts.  It's all just a matter of degree and functioning.


LOL yes I think we all are nuts in some ways.

I am working on being non-judgemental. IMO everyone is on a personal journey and each of our lives present problems/challenges and most importantly opportunities to be better and kinder and more understanding.
The sharing of polyamory from a friend helped me realize I have made progress because years ago I would have condemned the practice. I like who I am now much more


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 12, 2021)

OneEyedDiva said:


> Polyamory is different than polygamy. At the age of 45, I entered into a polygamous marriage. We were together for more than 25 years until my husband died in 2018. Polygamy in Islam (at least in our case) is different from what I've read about polyamory.  Although I loved my (future) husband very much, after much trepidation, a lot of reading up on the subject both from Islamic and secular sources and changing my mind several times, I finally married him. It was beneficial to me for many reasons.  Initially I was so worried about what my family and friends would think but it became a non issue since everyone loved him and loved us as a couple.
> 
> People think of polygamy as a man "eating his cake and having it too" but in Islam it's not that simple. Such husbands have to please and support both their wives and treat them each fairly. Try doing that with menopausal women.  Ironically I was a jealous person before and during part of the time we were married. Didn't help that my husband was gorgeous and had lots of sometimes brazen admirers. Islam allowed polygamy (did not invent or encourage it) for two main reasons. During the holy wars, many women and children lost their husbands/fathers. The men who were left took on more wives in order to support them and their children. Secondly, It is said that God ordered: "Choose 4 and divorce the rest". That was because back in biblical times, men had several wives and concubines.  And trust me, my polygamous experience was nothing like what they show on Sister Wives. Another point about polygamy. The wives are given respect and are entitled to their husbands' properties unlike mistresses of a large percentage of married men in this country who have admitted to having affairs.
> 
> A couple of years ago, the first polyamory couple I read about was in their 20s and engaged. A news site did an article about the practice and featured them. She had another boyfriend and a girlfriend. He also had someone else but I can't remember if it was male or female. Both had the other partners with each other's consent. You mentioned polyamory participants as being in their 20s, 30s & 40s but lets not forget the "swingers" of our generation. Also Baby Boomer gay men participated in some hot orgies back in the day at The Baths and places like that. How do I know this? Some of them wound up being our patients in the STD clinic and told us all about the lifestyle.


Thanks so much for sharing. My condolences over the loss of your husband.

Years ago I watched _sister wives_ and actually gained a better understanding and acceptance from the show. 

I recognize I was brainwashed into believing one man one woman is the only moral marriage. I am much happier and feel more peace and joy in acceptance and non-judgment and when I  just try to understand.

lol but I still think a one-woman and several husbands form of polygamy could be quite advantageous..well at least for the woman. I wonder if men would go along with that form as easily as women have accepted the present setup?


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## Gardenlover (Jun 13, 2021)

If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right.


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## Gaer (Jun 13, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> Re: same sex couples, that's a big no-no in my world.
> 
> I do not accept or support such, nor do I believe same sex marriages should be allowed.
> 
> ...


Marg:  it's wonderful to know a lady who gives an honest, gutsy response!
I'm kind of old fangled too!  One man and one woman is my style!


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## OneEyedDiva (Jun 13, 2021)

Serenity4321 said:


> Thanks so much for sharing. My condolences over the loss of your husband.
> 
> Years ago I watched _sister wives_ and actually gained a better understanding and acceptance from the show.
> 
> ...


Thank you for responding as you did Serenity. I have to laugh about the thought of having more than one husband. I could see it being stressful as hell. How do you "service" multiple men without becoming exhausted? What if they all want children? Here's a hint: I have one child...that's all I wanted.  Cooking for and cleaning up after multiple men!! Nightmarish for me. The ruling was that women couldn't marry more than one man because in the case of children, how would she know which child belonged to which man?

I'm glad Sister Wives helped you to be less judgmental but that is not representative of Islam. The one episode I saw turned me off. The husband was upstairs in one of the bedrooms making out with one of his wives. The door was wide open. That's a no no. Privacy and discretion are required even though the other women know they are "sister wives".  In many cases, such as mine, polygamous Islamic marriages are not communal. Here is a short article from an Islamic source: 
https://islamfaith.com/polygamy-in-islam-why-can-a-muslim-man-marry-multiple-wives/


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 13, 2021)

Gaer said:


> Marg:  it's wonderful to know a lady who gives an honest, gutsy response!
> I'm kind of old fangled too!  *One man and one woman is my style!*


Thank you, Gaer, and believe me I'm thrilled to know there are a few of us that still exist in today's world that think like we do.

As of late there's a few on the forum who seem to be under the impression or belief that everyone should think like them and do like them, and when reality kicks in that life doesn't work that way, they get their noses out of joint.

I don't sing to that crowd.


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 13, 2021)

OneEyedDiva said:


> Thank you for responding as you did Serenity. I have to laugh about the thought of having more than one husband. I could see it being stressful as hell. How do you "service" multiple men without becoming exhausted? What if they all want children? Here's a hint: I have one child...that's all I wanted.  Cooking for and cleaning up after multiple men!! Nightmarish for me. The ruling was that women couldn't marry more than one man because in the case of children, how would she know which child belonged to which man?
> 
> I'm glad Sister Wives helped you to be less judgmental but that is not representative of Islam. The one episode I saw turned me off. The husband was upstairs in one of the bedrooms making out with one of his wives. The door was wide open. That's a no no. Privacy and discretion are required even though the other women know they are "sister wives".  In many cases, such as mine, polygamous Islamic marriages are not communal. Here is a short article from an Islamic source:
> https://islamfaith.com/polygamy-in-islam-why-can-a-muslim-man-marry-multiple-wives/


My men would cook and clean...  
 I get the who is the father question..but we have DNA testing so that would not be a problem. The way I envision this all working is everyone is one big happy family taking care of each other.

I'm with you on the number of children..I had 2 and 9 years apart and thought I had it rough.

TY for the article..as I said I would not be in a polygamist marriage but I think there could be advantages...and of course disadvantages..


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 13, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> Thank you, Gaer, and believe me I'm thrilled to know there are a few of us that still exist in today's world that think like we do.


Personally, for me I too am only a one-man one-woman type. I just want to try and understand how others think and believe. I have really changed my views on so many issues.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jun 13, 2021)

Serenity4321 said:


> My men would cook and clean...
> I get the who is the father question..but we have DNA testing so that would not be a problem. The way I envision this all working is everyone is one big happy family taking care of each other.
> 
> I'm with you on the number of children..I had 2 and 9 years apart and thought I had it rough.
> ...


You're welcome. I like that men cooking and cleaning thing.  Well now we have DNA testing but moot point right? You don't want anymore children.  LOL Oooohhh.....9 years apart! That's almost like starting over. My son wanted me to have another baby when he was about 14. I'll help you take care of him Ma. Sure he would. I told him he'd forget about that promise when came time to go out with his friends.

My co-wife and I became friends and helped each other with different projects. Each of our families excepted and liked the other. (Our) husband and I were invited to affairs sponsored by her sisters.  He and I even took one of her sisters to the Poconos to visit his daughter and hang out for the day. My co-wife didn't like to travel and rarely went anyplace. I'm told we were cited as the model of how co-wives are supposed to be. When she was stuck with Alzheimer's, I'm the one who hipped my husband to what was happening to her, what to expect and how to handle it. I sat with him and went over the symptoms and stages of Alzheimers from an Alzheimer's site. Unfortunately she also got cancer. Her sisters, our husband and I were at her side when she was dying (about 15 months before my husband passed). BTW Thank you for your condolences.


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## Gardenlover (Jun 13, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> Thank you, Gaer, and believe me I'm thrilled to know there are a few of us that still exist in today's world that think like we do.
> 
> As of late there's a few on the forum who seem to be under the impression or belief that everyone should think like them and do like them, and when reality kicks in that life doesn't work that way, they get their noses out of joint.
> 
> I don't sing to that crowd.


Seems to me - that philosophy _swings _both ways.


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 13, 2021)

Gardenlover said:


> Seems to me - that philosophy _swings _both ways.


Difference being with me, I don't belly-ache about it.


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## Gardenlover (Jun 13, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> Difference being with me, I don't belly-ache about it.


As life should be my friend.


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## Pecos (Jun 13, 2021)

Serenity4321 said:


> Personally, for me I too am only a one-man one-woman type. I just want to try and understand how others think and believe. I have really changed my views on so many issues.


This is my view as well, it looks pretty cumbersome to me, but I do want to understand this variation of life better.


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## Sassycakes (Jun 13, 2021)

My husband and I have been married 55yrs and dated for 5 yrs before we married. I have never had the desire or need to be with someone else and if my husband has ever had the urge to be with someone else I have never known anything about him doing it so hopefully he hasn't cheated on me either.


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## Jules (Jun 13, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> Difference being with me, I don't belly-ache about it.


But you do have strong opinions that you express.  Is there a difference?  

This is a site for discussions.  Nobody is ever totally right or wrong.


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 13, 2021)

Jules said:


> *But you do have strong opinions that you express.  Is there a difference? *
> 
> This is a site for discussions.  Nobody is ever totally right or wrong.


Strong opinion vs belly-aching? I should say so there's a difference.

Or are you suggesting I should come across as a Mary Poppins on the forum, serving up a spoon full of sugar whenever I'm looking to express my feelings in order to help soothe and appease the needs of the few who can't handle hearing the bare facts?


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 14, 2021)

OneEyedDiva said:


> You're welcome. I like that men cooking and cleaning thing.  Well now we have DNA testing but moot point right? You don't want anymore children.  LOL Oooohhh.....9 years apart! That's almost like starting over. My son wanted me to have another baby when he was about 14. I'll help you take care of him Ma. Sure he would. I told him he'd forget about that promise when came time to go out with his friends.
> 
> My co-wife and I became friends and helped each other with different projects. Each of our families excepted and liked the other. (Our) husband and I were invited to affairs sponsored by her sisters.  He and I even took one of her sisters to the Poconos to visit his daughter and hang out for the day. My co-wife didn't like to travel and rarely went anyplace. I'm told we were cited as the model of how co-wives are supposed to be. When she was stuck with Alzheimer's, I'm the one who hipped my husband to what was happening to her, what to expect and how to handle it. I sat with him and went over the symptoms and stages of Alzheimers from an Alzheimer's site. Unfortunately she also got cancer. Her sisters, our husband and I were at her side when she was dying (about 15 months before my husband passed). BTW Thank you for your condolences.


 This is the way society should help each other..and how charming that it was within the family...TY for sharing the highs and lows .  Maybe if more people knew about the advantages there would be less prejudice.


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## Pecos (Jun 14, 2021)

The practice is wide spread around the world for a variety of reasons. Even if it does not appeal to an individual or runs against their value system a better understanding benefits us. Especially if we interact with those cultures like I did in North Africa and the Middle East.
To remain totally ignorant, is to be ignorant of our fellow humans.


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 14, 2021)

Pecos said:


> The practice is wide spread around the world for a variety of reasons. Even if it does not appeal to an individual or runs against their value system a better understanding benefits us. Especially if we interact with those cultures like I did in North Africa and the Middle East.


TY honestly I knew very little about Polygamy and have heard more criticisms than positives. Wow ...N Africa and the Middle East..I have not been to either


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## Jules (Jun 14, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> Strong opinion vs belly-aching? I should say so there's a difference.
> 
> Or are you suggesting I should come across as a Mary Poppins on the forum, serving up a spoon full of sugar whenever I'm looking to express my feelings in order to help soothe and appease the needs of the few who can't handle *hearing the bare facts*?


What you perceive as the facts may not be the same as others.  No one said that you have to do that. Just because they may be saying something that you disagree with doesn’t mean they are bellyaching or wrong.  Everyone has a right to a respectful opinion, one that’s expressed politely.


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## Elsie (Jun 14, 2021)

"...their value system a better understanding benefits us..."  Yes, it can.  It shows a sad state of affairs for a value system based upon a tradition, or some misguided long ago reasoning by someone(s) that such would improve society.  IMO.   True happiness, satisfaction between ONE man with ONE woman with only eachother joined in marriage working together to succeed in growing a strong non-polygamy encumbered family through their life together can.


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## Sunny (Jun 14, 2021)

Whether or not someone's ****** preference or choice (or number) of partners appeals to someone else should be totally irrelevant. Some members of this forum seem to be proudly strutting around, proclaiming "I guess I am old-fashioned, but..."  as if that made the slightest bit of difference. Unless someone's life choices are breaking the law, or inflicting harm on someone, their choices are their own business and nobody else's.

But I have to add, that "old fashioned" thing is hilariously off the mark.  You don't like the clothes modern people wear?  You wish we all went back to bustles, corsets, top hats, and starched shirts?  Fine, you are "old fashioned."  You refuse to drive a car or even ride in one, preferring the horse and carriage as a means of transport?  Yup, you are old fashioned, all right. You don't believe in modern medical science, preferring to whirl around under a full moon, reciting incantations?  Good for you!

 Why is your old-fashionedness anything to boast about? If I had that trait, I would not be proud of it.


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## Elsie (Jun 14, 2021)

Sunny said:


> Whether or not someone's ****** preference or choice (or number) of partners appeals to someone else should be totally irrelevant. Some members of this forum seem to be proudly strutting around, proclaiming "I guess I am old-fashioned, but..."  as if that made the slightest bit of difference. Unless someone's life choices are breaking the law, or inflicting harm on someone, their choices are their own business and nobody else's.
> 
> But I have to add, that "old fashioned" thing is hilariously off the mark.  You don't like the clothes modern people wear?  You wish we all went back to bustles, corsets, top hats, and starched shirts?  Fine, you are "old fashioned."  You refuse to drive a car or even ride in one, preferring the horse and carriage as a means of transport?  Yup, you are old fashioned, all right. You don't believe in modern medical science, preferring to whirl around under a full moon, reciting incantations?  Good for you!
> 
> Why is your old-fashionedness anything to boast about? If I had that trait, I would not be proud of it.


I haven't used the expression, "Maybe I'm old fashioned, but", when I hear it or read it I take it as a calm way of saying, "Past views/opinions on certain issues like mine I go along with."  I'm not saying, Blast the modern changes that have been made about any thing!"  Now excuse me, but there is a full moon beckoning me to do whatever..........


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 14, 2021)

Sunny said:


> Whether or not someone's ****** preference or choice (or number) of partners appeals to someone else should be totally irrelevant. Some members of this forum seem to be proudly strutting around, proclaiming "I guess I am old-fashioned, but..."  as if that made the slightest bit of difference. Unless someone's life choices are breaking the law, or inflicting harm on someone, their choices are their own business and nobody else's.
> 
> But I have to add, that "old fashioned" thing is hilariously off the mark.  You don't like the clothes modern people wear?  You wish we all went back to bustles, corsets, top hats, and starched shirts?  Fine, you are "old fashioned."  You refuse to drive a car or even ride in one, preferring the horse and carriage as a means of transport?  Yup, you are old fashioned, all right. You don't believe in modern medical science, preferring to whirl around under a full moon, reciting incantations?  Good for you!
> 
> Why is your old-fashionedness anything to boast about? If I had that trait, I would not be proud of it.


Even though you're sunny, I can always count on a refreshing burst of raindrops (or is it teardrops) from you when you allow my comments to bunch up your knickers like they do!

May I suggest you try switching your current style for something that isn't so prone to binding or bunching as much.


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 14, 2021)

Elsie said:


> I haven't used the expression, "Maybe I'm old fashioned, but", when I hear it or read it I take it as a calm way of saying, "Past views/opinions on certain issues like mine I go along with."


Wonderfully articulated, Elsie!


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## Sassycakes (Jun 21, 2021)

Alligatorob said:


> Hard question to answer, most folks don't talk about it.  But I suspect it is not so uncommon, just not universal for sure.


*I have been married 55yrs so far and I never once thought about cheating on my husband even though I was asked by another guy on more than one occasion. Hopefully my husband has always been faithful to me.*


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## Pecos (Jun 21, 2021)

Sassycakes said:


> *I have been married 55yrs so far and I never once thought about cheating on my husband even though I was asked by another guy on more than one occasion. Hopefully my husband has always been faithful to me.*


I would be willing to bet that he was.


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## Sassycakes (Jun 21, 2021)

Pecos said:


> I would be willing to bet that he was.


Thank you, Pecos. I pray you are right.


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