# Choosing your battles, expert advice on relationships



## grahamg (Apr 15, 2021)

Do you believe in this? 

Quote:
"*Expert Tips for Picking Your Relationship Battles Wisely*

Only fight about issues that are truly important. Evaluate the consequences of an argument. ...
Make a plan. Take a moment to calm down and think through the problem. ...
Pause for the cause. Review *your* motivation. ...
Don't react immediately. ...
*Choose the right* time. ...
Talk; don't yell. ...
Agree to disagree. ...
Communicate."
https://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/expert-tips-picking-relationship-battles-wisely/story?id=30116974

(I found a comment on another thread similar to the thread title, and thought it worth its own discussion, though I'll withhold my reservations till others have had a chance to give their views)


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## MarciKS (Apr 15, 2021)

i agree with that but................in the heat of the moment most people react. it's difficult when you're passionate about something to be rational.


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## Aunt Bea (Apr 15, 2021)

Stick to the issue, don't make it personal, and don't dredge up the past. 

Also, seriously consider living alone.


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## tbeltrans (Apr 15, 2021)

Where is Howard Cosell when you need him?

"...and in this cahwnuh..."   

Tony


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## Jules (Apr 15, 2021)

Take a few deep breaths before saying anything.


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## horseless carriage (Apr 15, 2021)

You don't have to attend every argument that you are invited to.


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## Nathan (Apr 15, 2021)

horseless carriage said:


> You don't have to attend every argument that you are invited to.


Great advice!    It's like: "never pass up an opportunity to shut up".


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## Kathleen’s Place (Apr 15, 2021)

Totally agree with this. I was never a good fighter anyway. When we were younger, I used to write my husband letters if something was bothering me. Didn’t have the heart to tell him to his face 

But I always chose my battles with the kids too. Somethings, like the length of their hair, or a not perfectly kept bedroom, just weren’t worth arguing over.


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## MarciKS (Apr 15, 2021)

if we "never pass up an opportunity to shut up" how will we ever get things worked out or be able to stand up for ourselves or get what we want from time to time? that statement basically says to me "just roll over and let them have their way."


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## grahamg (Apr 15, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> if we "never pass up an opportunity to shut up" how will we ever get things worked out or be able to stand up for ourselves or get what we want from time to time? that statement basically says to me "just roll over and let them have their way."


Yes and No, (I think!?).
If those "choosing their battles" are also planning, "Not to get mad but to get even", (maybe a policy my daughter followed sometimes I believe!), then they're certainly not rolling over in any long term sense of them phrase are they(?).
 However, this leads me to one of my reservations about the thread topic, choosing your battles etc., if it means folks harbour grudges, that not great obviously, and the Machiavellian aspect of it comes to mind, if you're simply making yourself into a more formidable opponent by choosing your battles wise!y, (it isn't a message of "Turn the other cheek" is it, to come full circle).


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## MarciKS (Apr 15, 2021)

True but I don't think we should be forced to just keep quiet and give in all the time. That's ludicrous. I don't mind turning the other cheek but not so I can constantly get my ass kicked.


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## grahamg (Apr 16, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> True but I don't think we should be forced to just keep quiet and give in all the time. That's ludicrous. I don't mind turning the other cheek but not so I can constantly get my ass kicked.


I totally agree, (hence the "Yes and No" comment above).

You certainly do have to learn to stand up for yourself in whatever way is appropriate, otherwise there are plenty ready to walk all over you.
"I'm blessed" with some so called friends, whose main gambit appears to be to try to assert some kind of superiority over you, be it in terms of knowledge, (usually about your own business), and decisions you've taken, when they're ever so ready to dole out contrary advice, repeating it endlessly, rather than accept you've made your decision and intend to stick to it.
You're then left with the option of ignoring it, (yet again, explaining yourself again, or getting annoyed at the constant or endless criticism, but when you do they're ever so ready to call you out because you've reacted to their provocation.
In the end you know they're "taking the p***," (you know what!), and proving the extent of the friendship they're offering, whether they're to be trusted etc., and if you wish to keep them as a friend, because they do have a better side to their character, when they choose to show it, you have to accept they're not to be trusted too much, so yes, I agree, stand up for yourself or you'll be walked all over!


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## MarciKS (Apr 16, 2021)

i always feel like people take too much pleasure in telling others what to do and provoking an argument. maybe because they have nothing better to do. i often wish i could just pop them when they do that. lol!


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## SetWave (Apr 16, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> i always feel like people take too much pleasure in telling others what to do and provoking an argument. maybe because they have nothing better to do. i often wish i could just pop them when they do that. lol!


I could not agree more. Every time some one says, "You should . . . ," without being asked for advice, I immediately tune them out. Or give them my favorite smartass comment, "The only thing I SHOULD do is hold my breath underwater and even that's an option."


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## LSWOTE (Apr 16, 2021)

One thing not mentioned.  Be prepared to walk away.  That is hard because it mean loneliness if you don't have a lot of friends.  Or on the other hand if you recognize that you can't walk away,  don't waste time pretending you will.  Add the fact you can't walk away into the calculations of what you are willing to put up with and negotiate accordingly.


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## Ladybj (Apr 16, 2021)

horseless carriage said:


> You don't have to attend every argument that you are invited to.


I like that a LOT!!!!  Soooo true.  I am in the learning phase.


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## MarciKS (Apr 16, 2021)

SetWave said:


> I could not agree more. Every time some one says, "You should . . . ," without being asked for advice, I immediately tune them out. Or give them my favorite smartass comment, "The only thing I SHOULD do is hold my breath underwater and even that's an option."


and there we have the provocation. lol!


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## Ladybj (Apr 16, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Do you believe in this?
> 
> Quote:
> "*Expert Tips for Picking Your Relationship Battles Wisely*
> ...


These are great but as one other post stated in the heat of the moment you are not thinking of any of the above.


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## horseless carriage (Apr 16, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> True but I don't think we should be forced to just keep quiet and give in all the time. That's ludicrous. I don't mind turning the other cheek but not so I can constantly get my ass kicked.


Marci, if it's the written word and not verbal, you are definitely not giving in. If say for argument's sake you had written a frank, honest response to some subject that someone else took umbrage with. Their retort being of strong language and weak argument is better ignored. They might have a second try even a third, but the more that you remain silent, the more annoyed they become. Not exactly turning the other cheek, is it?


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## MarciKS (Apr 16, 2021)

depends on the argument. *grins*


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## jujube (Apr 16, 2021)

It does no good to have a battle of the wits with idiots...….they're only _half_ prepared.


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## grahamg (Apr 16, 2021)

jujube said:


> It does no good to have a battle of the wits with idiots...….they're only _half_ prepared.


An ex boss of mine had a very subtle comment, in a sense agreeing with you, along the lines of, "Don't argue with a fool, no one will know who the fool is if you do"!


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## grahamg (Apr 16, 2021)

horseless carriage said:


> Marci, if it's the written word and not verbal, you are definitely not giving in. If say for argument's sake you had written a frank, honest response to some subject that someone else took umbrage with. Their retort being of strong language and weak argument is better ignored. They might have a second try even a third, but the more that you remain silent, the more annoyed they become. Not exactly turning the other cheek, is it?


Indeed, but aren't we likely to become guilty of showing passive aggression in some circumstances, and that's not great either!
On the other hand, the rule about trying to avoid arguments with fools above still applies, and yet sometimes I feel your head might burst if you let them spout their nonsense too often without maybe talking equal nonsense back as a deliberate tactic!


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## grahamg (Apr 16, 2021)

Ladybj said:


> These are great but as one other post stated in the heat of the moment you are not thinking of any of the above.


My paternal grandfather was known for his quick temper, and not known for backing down from an argument, so I'd guess he'd have disagreed with the expert quoted, and wouldn't have allowed his life to be governed by the rules laid out in the OP, (my father neither!), and was very well liked and respected, perhaps in an era where those personality traits, and strengths of character were more appreciated.
A comment of my fathers come in here too, "You can't breed tame mice from wild ones", (though I take after my mother in many ways, and feel I do tolerate people taking the mickey, or give people the benefit of the doubt too often, so maybe I'm a "slightly tame mouse").


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## horseless carriage (Apr 17, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Indeed, but aren't we likely to become guilty of showing passive aggression in some circumstances, and that's not great either!
> On the other hand, the rule about trying to avoid arguments with fools above still applies, and yet sometimes I feel your head might burst if you let them spout their nonsense too often without maybe talking equal nonsense back as a deliberate tactic!


That is true, there was a fellow I knew at work, a director, instead of letting his head burst he would use stinging insults. At a manager's meeting our head honcho came out with some tactic that he had devised. Something that he thought was foolproof. No matter what objections were made he just swatted them away but what he was expecting was simply wasn't possible, not without throwing money at it, which would defeat the object.
That director that I spoke of previously was asked for his opinion. He looked at the head honcho and said: "Did the intelligence gene miss the mark at the moment of conception? You could have heard a pin drop. The head honcho got up and walked out.


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## WhatInThe (Apr 17, 2021)

Choosing which battles to fight in life is where most people fail in general.

 Metaphorically speaking I'm a one shot one kill kind of person. Don't like dealing with the same issues over and over or want other issues to get out of control. Fighting a battle at the wrong time or under the wrong circumstances can make them worse. Which leads to another saying/ or factor-Timing is everything.


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## Patch (Apr 22, 2021)

"It's easier to win an argument with an intelligent person than a stupid one!"  

I learned this very early in my career.  There was no sense in wasting time arguing with someone who was oblivious to how we got there, where we were, and where we needed to go.  Spent well over half my career in a position that actually required confrontational situations.  I was physically threatened many times.  Worked through those situations strategically and as effectively as possible.  
Our firm maintained 400 to 450 associates spread over 10 offices in 5 states.  I was one of two with the firm who could do what I did, mainly due to my ability to handle confrontational issues on an almost daily basis. 
In our 55 years of marriage, we've used "partnering" to make it work.  We've hit some chuckholes and had some disagreements.  We're human!  However, never once has one of us cursed at the other, touched the other in anger, or refused to talk though any difficult times.  It has worked.  

p.s.  Retired, now, for four going on five years... I sorta miss the challenges of "confrontational debate".  I think the guys in my golf group may catch the brunt of that.  :>)


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## grahamg (Apr 27, 2021)

*A young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship with her new husband) presumably did it as a joke, though no one is entirely sure!  ).
Then she got an unexpected reply from the tech support people, giving their love advice some say is hilarious or genius!

THE QUERY
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry apps, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.                                                               In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled some of my other apps, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable apps such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.                                                                                                                                                                                  Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.

THE RESPONSE (that came weeks later out of the blue)
Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter the command: Ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2. Also, install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that app works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.                                                                 However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install Boyfriend 5.0. That will crash Husband 1.0.
Husband 1.0 is a functional app, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn other new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional apps to improve memory and performance. Try Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck!! Tech Support.*


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