# Texas Chili cookoff



## Old Hipster (Sep 11, 2013)

Forgive me if this is here someplace, I did a search and couldn't find it. It's a real hoot even if you have read it before. 

*Texas Chili Cook-off*

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio City Park.
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Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*CHILI. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...*

Judge... 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge... 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge... 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


*CHILI. 2 - ARIAL AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...*

Judge... 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge... 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge... 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.


*CHILI. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...*

Judge... 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge... 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge... 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, and
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting @!&&-faced
from all of the beer.


*CHILI. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...*

Judge... 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge... 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge... 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. 
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


*CHILI. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...*

Judge... 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, 
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge... 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge... 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


*CHILI. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY..*.

Judge... 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge... 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb

Judge... 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my butt with a snow cone.


*CHILI. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...*

Judge... 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge... 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge ... 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

Judge... 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; 
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


*CHILI. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...*

Judge... 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge... 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge...3 farted, 
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge... 3 - No Report.


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## Jillaroo (Sep 11, 2013)

_That's so funny_


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## Old Hipster (Sep 11, 2013)

Jillaroo said:


> _That's so funny_



I still almost wet my pants when I read it.


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## Michael. (Sep 11, 2013)

That one is a real classic





It has passed our way many times in the past.

.


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## JustBonee (Sep 11, 2013)

Really! Serious stuff there .. 
BBQ/chili cook-offs are almost like a religious happening in Texas. ..The guys spend days/weeks getting it all together. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			




 Houston has a big three day BBQ event every single year before Rodeo. 
 Gotta say .. they make some mean brisket and ribs at these events. ...really good .. it just melts in your mouth.

http://rodeohouston.com/Events/WorldsChampionshipBarBQue.aspx


Chili cook-offs take place more at football tailgate parties in the fall around here.  .. and it's lots of beer, no beans .....


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## That Guy (Sep 11, 2013)




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## Katybug (Sep 11, 2013)

I love it when I actually do laugh out loud, and I did.  Hilarious!


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## Meanderer (Oct 5, 2019)

*Ray Stevens - Red Hot Chili Cookoff🌶*


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## JustBonee (Oct 5, 2019)

Oh My !!!   .. Thanks for digging this thread up @Meanderer  ..... so darn funny!

(and I sure do miss our  old friends ... )


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## RadishRose (Oct 5, 2019)

Wow @Meanderer , this was before my time. It's hilarious! I laughed like the Flaming Place.  🌶☎☢


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## terry123 (Oct 6, 2019)

My chili is hot enough to enjoy but not injure anyone.  We will not be having chili until it gets to be chili weather!


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## fmdog44 (Oct 6, 2019)

No beans!! Just chili!! I use a Copy Cat recipe for Wendy's chili


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## terry123 (Oct 6, 2019)

No beans here either!


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