# Fear of Dementia



## Jules (Mar 25, 2021)

There’re are approximately 1200 different types.

Dementia is one of my biggest fears. 

My mother was very clever in hiding hers.  My grandmother had ‘hardening of the arteries.’ My husband will eventually have it and I feel I’m seeing some signs already.  It may just be selective listening and me being hyper aware.

It seems to be everywhere.  When I call my friend, it’s a repeat of everything she said in the first five minutes for the next 45.  It’s ok because I expect it now.  Years ago it was predicted that she might have this slow developing type.  Another fellow has been told by his doctor that he shouldn’t drive - he knows but drives when he thinks he needs to.  A friend who was the same age as I am died ten years ago.  There’re lots of examples.

With our aging population we’ll be so much more susceptible to scammers.  

If you’re on your own or both have dementia, how would you battle the other issues as we age.


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## MarciKS (Mar 25, 2021)

I live alone and honestly there's not really anyone here to take notice if something goes wrong & I won't be able to do anything about it. I'll just end up somewhere some day not knowing where I am or even being aware I'm lost.  I just hope it's not in the middle of winter & I don't accidentally board a flight for another country. That would tick me off if I suddenly remembered who I was and I was in India or something.


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## Pinky (Mar 25, 2021)

My late mother-in-law developed dementia. It was heartbreaking to witness.


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## Aunt Marg (Mar 25, 2021)

I try not to live around fear, because there is simply far too many things waiting to get us nowadays.

I wake each morning with a renewed sense that I am here for another day, and count my blessings that I have avoided being stricken down with some sinister or hideous disease/illness.

My advice to all, take care of yourself as best as you can, and aside from good genetics working in our favour, we have no control over fate. What awaits us cannot be avoided.

Hoping my words help calm you, Jules.


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## Aunt Bea (Mar 25, 2021)

The sad thing is that our concerns over the future tend to rob us of the enjoyment we should be experiencing in the present.

My plan is to remain independent as long as possible and then enter _the system_ at the last possible moment and just ride it out.

I hope I get the timing right but if I don't I'll just have to take what comes.


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 25, 2021)

My mother's sister died from Alzheimer's many years ago.  I think of dementia often.  There's things I forget on a daily basis, even when I was young it happened.  Getting busy, rushing around, multi-tasking, etc.  I'll often go into the garage to do something, see something else I want to move or put away, then realize I didn't get the first thing done. 

 I don't mind getting a bit more forgetful in my old age, have to check if I did something a couple of times, etc., as long as I know who I am and who my husband it, that to me is the most terrible effect of AD. One thing I don't do is dwell on it, most of the time I catch myself quickly and do what I need to.  I think it's not good for us to fear it everyday and think about it all the time, as Aunt Bea said, we rob ourselves of our precious moments in the present.  That is never good.


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## hollydolly (Mar 25, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> I live alone and honestly there's not really anyone here to take notice if something goes wrong & I won't be able to do anything about it. I'll just end up somewhere some day not knowing where I am or even being aware I'm lost.  I just hope it's not in the middle of winter & I don't accidentally board a flight for another country. That would tick me off if I suddenly remembered who I was and I was in India or something.


You won't know you're in Kansas any more Toto... ...let's hope you never have to experience it


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## hollydolly (Mar 25, 2021)

I'm stunned to hear from Jules that there are 1200 different types. I only knew about 5 or 6...

The thing is how can medical staff or carers know what they're dealing with when there's any one of 1200 types to choose from ?..certainly carers in nursing homes are hardly likely to know how to deal with anything that's out of what we've come  expect from Alzheimers or lewy Body  for example..


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## MarciKS (Mar 25, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> You won't know you're in Kansas any more Toto... ...let's hope you never have to experience it


If it's hereditary then I likely will. I think my mother is showing signs.


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## IrisSenior (Mar 25, 2021)

Both my brothers have a form of dementia. My oldest brother doesn't have a clue what is going on so I just listen patiently and agree with everything that he says. The younger brother knows he is more forgetful than normal but his is living with my younger sister and brother so he is well taken care of. I don't worry about it - why? It's a waste of time for me as I have other concerns that are more pressing.


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## hollydolly (Mar 25, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> If it's hereditary then I likely will. I think my mother is showing signs.


How old is your mother ?

My father had PD, no dementia there....  my  paternal grandmother started to get a little when she was in her late 70's.. but died in her early 80's before it got to be  too bad,  we just always said she was ' a little senile".. she'd stopped cleaning her house etc, but she was still able to write letters and read newspapers, but she kept repeating herself .. 

My mother died in her 30's so I have no idea if she'd have gone on to suffer in her old age.. so I have to wing it and hope for the best


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## MarciKS (Mar 25, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> How old is your mother ?
> 
> My father had PD, no dementia there....  my  paternal grandmother started to get a little when she was in her late 70's.. but died in her early 80's before it got to be  too bad,  we just always said she was ' a little senile".. she'd stopped cleaning her house etc, but she was still able to write letters and read newspapers, but she kept repeating herself ..
> 
> My mother died in her 30's so I have no idea if she'd have gone on to suffer in her old age.. so I have to wing it and hope for the best


In her 70s. Last time I was there she sent me home with meatloaf she said had only been in the fridge 3 days. I walk into the living room & dad informs me it's been more than that and laughs a little. I took it home...tossed it just in case & told her it was fantastic. *Grins*


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## Jules (Mar 25, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> I'm stunned to hear from Jules that there are 1200 different types. I only knew about 5 or 6...
> 
> The thing is how can medical staff or carers know what they're dealing with when there's any one of 1200 types to choose from ?..certainly carers in nursing homes are hardly likely to know how to deal with anything that's out of what we've come  expect from Alzheimers or lewy Body  for example..


The numbers were from my husband’s neurologist. The only definitive answer of the type is determined when an autopsy is done.


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## hollydolly (Mar 25, 2021)

7 Treatable Health Conditions with Dementia-Like Symptoms​
https://dailycaring.com/7-treatable-health-conditions-with-symptoms-similar-to-dementia/


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## Ruthanne (Mar 25, 2021)

Jules said:


> There’re are approximately 1200 different types.
> 
> Dementia is one of my biggest fears.
> 
> ...


I'm 63 on my own and can't begin to know what I would do if I got Dementia.  I don't seem to have any big memory problems as of yet so I'm not concerned about myself at this point.

My grandmother got it in her 80s from mini strokes.  It was very very hard to see her that way.  A friend of mine has been developing memory issues that seem they might be out of the ordinary.  I have been trying to encourage him to see the doctor about it.  He keeps saying he's 64 and that's what happens but seeing a doctor might help him.  He doesn't even recall the things we talk about each time we chat.  I hope he will see the doctor.  I know there are treatments for early dementia out there.  I don't know how good they are, though.


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## hollydolly (Mar 25, 2021)

Ruthanne said:


> I'm 83 on my own and can't begin to know what I would do if I got Dementia.  I don't seem to have any big memory problems as of yet so I'm not concerned about myself at this point.
> 
> My grandmother got it in her 80s from mini strokes.  It was very very hard to see her that way.  A friend of mine has been developing memory issues that seem they might be out of the ordinary.  I have been trying to encourage him to see the doctor about it.  He keeps saying he's 64 and that's what happens but seeing a doctor might help him.  He doesn't even recall the things we talk about each time we chat.  I hope he will see the doctor.  I know there are treatments for early dementia out there.  I don't know how good they are, though.


You're not 83 Ruthanne...


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## Aunt Bea (Mar 25, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> You're not 83 Ruthanne...


It's started!


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## Jules (Mar 25, 2021)

Thanks Hollydolly.  That’s a good article.  Another thing that can slow don’t our mental responses is lack of sleep.


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## Ruthanne (Mar 25, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> 7 Treatable Health Conditions with Dementia-Like Symptoms​
> https://dailycaring.com/7-treatable-health-conditions-with-symptoms-similar-to-dementia/


Thank you for that article @hollydolly It was very helpful!  I should tell my friend about those things.


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## hollydolly (Mar 25, 2021)

Jules said:


> Thanks Hollydolly.  That’s a good article.  Another thing that can slow don’t our mental responses is lack of sleep.


yes that also....


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## Ruthanne (Mar 25, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> You're not 83 Ruthanne...


It was just a typo....have corrected it.  It's kind of dark in here and hard to see some of the keyboard...yeah, that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it


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## officerripley (Mar 25, 2021)

This is something I worry more & more about, also not just dementia but what Huzz and I are going to do when we can no longer safely drive (coming soon for him and I think maybe already for me) since we never had kids who might possibly help. There are things we could do now--move to a smaller place, move to a place where we could walk to places we need to go--we're within walking distance of nothing now--but Huzz is in total denial about it, says he's never moving from here, is never ever going to give up driving, etc. and refuses to discuss it any further. So I get more & more worried every day. Have I told him how worried I am? Yep; his reply? "DON'T worry; just stop it." So I'm out of luck.


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## mellowyellow (Mar 25, 2021)

I have trouble remembering names of people, movie titles, places etc and wonder if it's the start of something.


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## hollydolly (Mar 25, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> I have trouble remembering names of people, movie titles, places etc and wonder if it's the start of something.


Me too.. I find myself sometimes unable to remember where I've been or what I've done just yesterday, that worries me..  also hard for me to remember things I did last year for example on holiday... I keep a diary thank God, but it does worry me, but I wonder if it's becuase I don't use my brain as much as I would have in my mothers' day. if I want to know something I look it up electronically, when i go on holiday I don't concentrate on the places so much at the time because I take a zillion photos, very quickly, .. the only real benefit to me about losing my memory is that I can read a book twice and not remember most of what I read the first time


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## DaveA (Mar 25, 2021)

I question whether the occasional forgetfulness of older folks necessarily ties into on-coming dementia or some such disease.  A possibility - -of course, but many old folks become forgetful and confused at times yet live to a ripe old age, still continuing to function.  And even the term "old", in these forums, can mean almost anyone over 50, depending on that person's view on aging. 

I'm 87 and my wife is 84.  Are we forgetful - -you better believe it.  Is it a sudden onset in the last couple of years - -not at all.  I probably started to become forgetful (compared to my younger self) when I was in my late 60's.  Worse today?  I'd say so, but not disabling in any way.

That in no way compares to folks who do start to be ravaged in their later years. I only mention the above to point out, IMHO, that there is a certain amount of mental fade out for almost all of us but many pass away never contracting any "mental disease" known to modern science.


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## PamfromTx (Mar 25, 2021)

It scares me too as my mother died after suffering horribly for 14 years due to Dementia.  Her dying was just as bad.   I love you, Mom... RIP.  Oh dear, I am actually crying.

It seems that there are more and more people being afflicted with Dementia and Alzheimer's.  Mom's younger sister died due to Alzheimer's and now their only surviving brother has the early stages of Dementia.  

Makes my 2 sisters and I worry that we will also be victims.


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## OneEyedDiva (Mar 25, 2021)

Wow Jules..I didn't know there was that many forms! I understand you being fearful. Within the last few months I've been wondering if I'm developing it. I'll find myself reaching for the wrong cabinet door or another item when I know that's not where what I need is, or not what I'm looking for. I always catch myself though before I open the door, or take out the item. My sister (half...though we don't use that term) clearly has dementia and her son who's very close to her doesn't seem to want to deal with it. I talked with her daughter about it and sent her some information, hoping she'll share it with my nephew and they'll find a way to deal with it before it gets worse. My sister has a very strong personality and is very stubborn, so I don't know. She gets lost sometimes when she's driving familiar routes, she gets easily agitated even when trying to help her figure things out and like your friend, she repeats herself several times during a conversation and forgets what she's been told.

My mother (not my birthmother) developed what the doctor called vascular dementia in her latter years. I didn't realize it was happening at first. @Pinky you're right, it was very heartbreaking to watch. The last three years of her life were spent in a nursing home. I'd go everyday (unless I had an attack of A-Fib) and sometimes twice a day. In the early morning, she knew me. In the evening (the "Sundowning" period), she'd think I was someone else...her deceased sister or mother. She threatened to sue me and my son (who was her heart) one day while in a demented state. She accused my uncle (her brother in law), who visited her daily too, of chasing her around her room with a knife. She accused me of stealing rent money from a landlord and his wife, each who threatened to shoot her if she didn't pay up. For decades she lived in public housing so there was no "landlord" and "wife". When she was herself my mother was one of the sweetest people you ever want to meet. In fact, the staff called her a sweetheart and their "grandma". 

Jules, I keep my brain busy and active, sometimes challenging myself. I'm hoping that helps stave off demential. I hope that there's something you're doing or can do to stave off yours.


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## Dana (Mar 25, 2021)

.
_Jules..I'm not too sure about that number you mention..this article is useful for anyone interested:_

https://www.understandtogether.ie/about-dementia/what-is-dementia/types-of-dementia/#:~:text=There%20are%20over%20400%20different,Alzheimer's%20disease%20and%20vascular%20


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## RadishRose (Mar 25, 2021)

Getting old is not for sissies.


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## Jules (Mar 25, 2021)

@OneEyedDiva   you‘re really dealing with and have dealt with many issues.  When you’ve experienced it first hand, we can’t help but watch for signs.  You certainly feel helpless.  

If genetics indicate anything for me, my mother didn’t start to show signs until she was in her upper 80s.  

My brain stimulator is bridge, online during Covid.


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## Kathleen’s Place (Mar 26, 2021)

I don’t fear it, necessarily, but I often think what a horrible disease it would be to have.

We spend our entire lives making memories, and the older I get, I recall those memories more and more. Take them away, and what do we have?

And I wish I knew what it is like inside the mind of an alzheimers sufferer.  Do they go to a happy place in their minds?  Or do they live in a blank void?  Where are they???


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> I live alone and honestly there's not really anyone here to take notice if something goes wrong & I won't be able to do anything about it. I'll just end up somewhere some day not knowing where I am or even being aware I'm lost.  I just hope it's not in the middle of winter & I don't accidentally board a flight for another country. That would tick me off if I suddenly remembered who I was and I was in India or something.


There are many types of dementia so don’t be too concerned.  Everyone is worried about Alzheimer’s as that is the most talked about one. I was diagnosed with dementia when I was in my 50’s.  I think, can’t really remember .

I have a type that is particular to adults that were physically abused as children and endured a great deal of pain.  Under these circumstances your brain does not grow correctly, due to the effect of pain on the brain.  Hmm, that rhymes.  

I did not ask about the long term effects.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

SeaBreeze said:


> My mother's sister died from Alzheimer's many years ago.  I think of dementia often.  There's things I forget on a daily basis, even when I was young it happened.  Getting busy, rushing around, multi-tasking, etc.  I'll often go into the garage to do something, see something else I want to move or put away, then realize I didn't get the first thing done.
> 
> I don't mind getting a bit more forgetful in my old age, have to check if I did something a couple of times, etc., as long as I know who I am and who my husband it, that to me is the most terrible effect of AD. One thing I don't do is dwell on it, most of the time I catch myself quickly and do what I need to.  I think it's not good for us to fear it everyday and think about it all the time, as Aunt Bea said, we rob ourselves of our precious moments in the present.  That is never good.


I think there is now a genetic test that will tell you if you have the gene which causes Alzheimer’s, also a CT/MRI scan will show if your brain has shrinkage, which can be an indication of Alzheimer’s or an indication you might get it.

My husband has brain shrinkage, I do not.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

officerripley said:


> This is something I worry more & more about, also not just dementia but what Huzz and I are going to do when we can no longer safely drive (coming soon for him and I think maybe already for me) since we never had kids who might possibly help. There are things we could do now--move to a smaller place, move to a place where we could walk to places we need to go--we're within walking distance of nothing now--but Huzz is in total denial about it, says he's never moving from here, is never ever going to give up driving, etc. and refuses to discuss it any further. So I get more & more worried every day. Have I told him how worried I am? Yep; his reply? "DON'T worry; just stop it." So I'm out of luck.


My husband is reaching a time when he should stop driving, but he refuses to acknowledge it as well.


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## MarkinPhx (Mar 26, 2021)

My dad is 91 and has a form of dementia. He is still in good physical shape but mentally he is declining. He still recognizes me when I visit him and tries to engage in conversations at times but his memory won't connect  with the people, places or things that we are trying to converse about. Plus he has had some minor strokes in the past so his brain won't allow for his words to form properly at times. Around this time 4 years ago I took him to his doctors and he was told that he shouldn't drive anymore. It was the first time I have seen him cry in a long time. I'll never forget that moment. My brother in law died of Alzheimer's a couple of months ago. He was only 67. So yes, I do worry about it for myself at times. I do seem to have more "senior"moments with my train of thought but I do keep my mind active and I have told my doctor about my concerns but he does not seem to think that it is an issue at this point so I do take comfort in that. If I do show signs sometime down the line I will take action then but in the meantime I try not to think about it too much. Instead I'll concentrate on my dad and do all I can to engage with him. When he does get frustrated about not remembering things we end up just laughing it off although it hurts inside of me to see him that way. I have been told many times that the worse thing one can do is try to push the memory of someone with dementia.


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## hollydolly (Mar 26, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> My husband is reaching a time when he should stop driving, but he refuses to acknowledge it as well.


In the Uk, if the doctor thinks that we should not be driving any more, he will send details to the DVLC, (Driving licence centre)  which deals with driving licences for every driver in the whole of the UK... and they will take steps to deal with it by issuing a renewal licence for just one year if the dementia isn't too bad, or cancelling the driving licence immediately.

By law the driver or family member should inform the DVLA long before the doctor has to ...or face £1000 fine


from the DVLA website...

_Based on the doctor’s report, medical advisers at DVLA/DVA will decide if the person can keep driving.


There are several possible results at this stage. DVLA/DVA may:_



 
_*renew the person’s licence*, usually for one year (see below)_
 
_*cancel or ‘revoke’ it* straightaway_
 
_*ask for more information*, such as more medical details_
 
_ask the person to take an *on-road driving assessment* before making a decision. This is the least common of the possibilities._

In all cases, DVLA/DVA will tell the person in writing.


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## Lewkat (Mar 26, 2021)

I just turned 88 in January and I do not worry about Dementia or Alzheimer's as if it is to be, so be it.   .We lose thousands of brain cells daily which are never replaced.  I take Aricept and have been taking it for many years now.  Actually it isn't recommended until Dementia sets in, but I told my doctor long ago, why not use a low dose as a preventative or at least a delaying method to forestall this problem?  He agreed and while I am still fairly sharp, I do see myself reaching more and more for stuff in my memory.


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## hollydolly (Mar 26, 2021)

I would imagine that outside of the cities the people like @MarkinPhx dad who was so upset when told he could no longer drive, is more palpable compared to the Uk with our excellent transport services due to everything being so close. Villages close to towns , towns bordering cities etc... so in reality there's very few places in the Uk that doesn't have a bus /train/ tube/ taxi service.. which wouldn't have to cost a fortune to go many miles to the next town as they may in the USA .


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## hollydolly (Mar 26, 2021)

Lewkat said:


> I just turned 88 in January and I do not worry about Dementia or Alzheimer's as if it is to be, so be it.   .We lose thousands of brain cells daily which are never replaced.  I take Aricept and have been taking it for many years now.  Actually it isn't recommended until Dementia sets in, but I told my doctor long ago, why not use a low dose as a preventative or at least a delaying method to forestall this problem?  He agreed and while I am still fairly sharp, I do see myself reaching more and more for stuff in my memory.


you're sharp as a tack  Lois.. can't imagine that you'd let dementia in through the door.. god willing...


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## MarkinPhx (Mar 26, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> I would imagine that outside of the cities the people like @MarkinPhx dad who was so upset when told he could no longer drive, is more palpable compared to the Uk with our excellent transport services due to everything being so close. Villages close to towns , towns bordering cities etc... so in reality there's very few places in the Uk that doesn't have a bus /train/ tube/ taxi service.. which wouldn't have to cost a fortune to go many miles to the next town as they may in the USA .


His reaction was more based on the idea that his independence was being taken away from him. In a strange way he was reverting back to the boy that he was before he had a license. It was tough thing for him to accept.


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## Keesha (Mar 26, 2021)

Kathleen’s Place said:


> I don’t fear it, necessarily, but I often think what a horrible disease it would be to have.
> 
> We spend our entire lives making memories, and the older I get, I recall those memories more and more. Take them away, and what do we have?
> 
> And I wish I knew what it is like inside the mind of an alzheimers sufferer.  Do they go to a happy place in their minds?  Or do they live in a blank void?  Where are they???


Both my parents suffered through dementia. I had a no contact relationship with them for 8 years until my brother asked me to meet up with them again, knowing he couldn’t care for them.

When I first met them my moms dementia was obvious. There were rotting banana peels and fruit flies throughout the house as well as 16 bags of garbage in the basement. My mom clearly hadn’t been out shopping for new pyjamas or under garments in years and would even forget to wear them. What was wonderful is she forgot that she resented me so was more loving towards me than she’d ever been in her life and loved when I’d ( we’d) go up to see her. My father had regressed into a world of internet as a possible form of coping.


Long term memory with her wasn’t as good yet my father ( who was 5 years older ) could talk about car rallies he’d been on with his pal from the 60’s & 70’s with explicit detail along with stories about his father that I’d never heard before. It was actually fascinating. My grandfather was a barber  and he shared so many things that I’d never known before.

My mom could remember my husband telling our dog that if she shook her tail as much as she did, it would fall off and we’d have to buy her a new one but we couldn’t afford a silver one so she’d have to have a blue one. It was actually really cute.

She’d want to go for walks with us but couldn’t push her Walker through the sand so we’d push her around in a wheelchair which she enjoyed. Oddly enough she was actually the nicest & happiest I’d ever seen her. She showed true compassion which you could clearly see in her eyes and facial expressions but then she had a stroke which greatly affected her mind and body and she was never the same again. She had to stay in hospital long term until a nursing home was available which drove my father crazy.
He missed her so much it was heart wrenching to witness.

My fathers memory wasn’t as bad but his cognitive recognition was completely off. His drivers licence was taken away years ago yet he was still driving and no amount of reasoning would work. To him, he figured he could drive just fine yet I was told by the people at the hospital that he had driven around the parking gate onto the hill so he wouldn’t have to pay the parking fine. He also had the imprint of someone else’s licence plate embedded in the front of his car.

Once I realized this I took his keys and started driving him back and forth to see my mom. This I did over 40 times. He needed to be wheeled around in the wheel chair also and when we did see her she’d curse us every time.

At the time this really upset me but now that more time has passed , I understand that her mind was quickly failing her. She had no reasoning ability. This was the main reason why I had to find a nursing home for them both. My husband still worked and I could not look after them myself.

I had to finally hide my fathers car on their property since he still was driving to see my mom ( with another set of keys ) so I’d reason with him by saying I’d drive him. This he’d accept but I was hours away from him which made this very difficult. After researching and visiting many nursing homes I helped him fill out the forms and finally found one which was 15 minutes away from me. It was a lovely home where I could visit them both.

I explained the procedure that was needed and my father insisted he accompany her through a mobility service which would pick him up then pick her up at the hospital and bring them both down and my father would be driven back but this didn’t happen. My father held tightly onto my moms hand and wouldn’t let her go and no amount of reasoning changed his mind. The driver couldn’t do anything so they got driven back to their house where my father couldn’t possibly look after my mom.

Without going into details , she needed help with every area of care and he just couldn’t do it. The only decision I had was to call the police and ambulance for my mom to make sure they were both ok and have them both put into hospital while taking over the POA but I was so upset by the things said that I called government services who dealt with it after the entire Thanksgiving and it’s something that haunts me to this day. The only person happy about this outcome was my brother which I won’t get into.

I was so upset about this for close to a year and I’m not sure I could have gotten through it without my husbands help. He offered complete support and helped me understand the complexity of the situation. It was unbelievably difficult for reasons I can’t explain but my husband said many times that although it was wrong for my father to drive without a licence and ultimately kidnap my mom at the very end, he would have done the exact same thing for me. THiS is what saved my sanity throughout all of this. He helped me understand something I couldn’t.

Having said all this, my only advise about dementia for those with kids and those without is to keep in contact with someone who knows you; whether this be your neighbour, a friend, a family member, medical nursing aid or social assistance. There are services out there if you research. I got my parents government assistance as soon as I was reconnected with them and realized how desperately they needed help but unfortunately they can’t do everything in the one hour they are there.

I could have had documents drawn up to give me POA which would have made all of this much easier but in the end, glad I didn’t. I’m just glad I’d cared for them when they needed it most and did the essential work to get them both into nursing homes. The last I saw them they were sharing a room together, were being taken care of and seemed very happy and content. The home offered so many activities to keep them entertained, did all their laundry and fed them wholesome food with a variety of choices.
I’m finally at peace with my actions and how I dealt with it over those 3 plus years.


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## Aunt Marg (Mar 26, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> I have trouble remembering names of people, movie titles, places etc and wonder if it's the start of something.


I doubt it, Mellow.

It started for me in and around the 50 mark, and most everyone I talk to experienced the same right around the same age.


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## Lara (Mar 26, 2021)

Keesha beat me to it while I was about to post this but here's my version of "advice".

For those who are living alone and fear that no one will ever find them if they go lost or other fears, I encourage you to build a "family" right now...anyone can network, even from home. Of course, I would say church is one way, but if that's not appealing to you then there are book clubs, senior center groups, and volunteer groups. If you don't show up then they will know something is wrong. 

Or if Covid is an issue, or you just can't leave home then there are online neighborhood websites where you can develop a group you trust and all agree to check in on each other online. If you don't have one you can start one. If you don't know how then Social Services could help you.

For instance the seniors here on the island who are able to get out on the beach meet as a group in the early morning hours before the sun gets too hot and they clean up the beach especially during rental season. I never see anything left on the beach...spotless..great exercise too), and there are so many more groups available everywhere.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> I would imagine that outside of the cities the people like @MarkinPhx dad who was so upset when told he could no longer drive, is more palpable compared to the Uk with our excellent transport services due to everything being so close. Villages close to towns , towns bordering cities etc... so in reality there's very few places in the Uk that doesn't have a bus /train/ tube/ taxi service.. which wouldn't have to cost a fortune to go many miles to the next town as they may in the USA .


Yup public transport is not great here and I cannot climb, andI mean climb, onto a bus.  The steps are too highly spaced.  Once I am pulled, pushed up them, my back is done and it’s wheelchair time.  A lesson sadly learned


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## hollydolly (Mar 26, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Yup public transport is not great here and I cannot climb, andI mean climb, onto a bus.  The steps are too highly spaced.  Once I am pulled, pushed up them, my back is done and it’s wheelchair time.  A lesson sadly learned


Here the buses drop the platform down electronically to allow Wheelchairs, prams, people who can't step up high etc on the bus


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> I doubt it, Mellow.
> 
> It started for me in and around the 50 mark, and most everyone I talk to experienced the same right around the same age.


Unless I talk to a person and they use their name, every single day, the name is gone, it won’t stick in my memory.  Movies, nope, even when I just saw it, loved it, and want to watch it again, I have to look up the name.  I think these kinds of issues are common to us all.

Besides when we were younger we had similar issues, with  so many children it was Tom, no response, Steve, no response, Joe, no response, look kid whatever your name is get over here now.


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## Lara (Mar 26, 2021)

Btw, I've read many a post from many a member and I've never noticed memory loss from anyone. 
You all either don't have it or you are really hiding it well...or maybe I just don't remember 

I'll admit, I do have short term memory problems. I asked my doctor and she said, you're not getting dementia or alzheimers. I said, but how do you know. She grabbed a piece of paper with a circle drawn and numbers like a clock...but no hands. She said here, draw the hands for 7:50. I actually did it and then had to change one of the hands...it freaked me out. She said, you don't have dementia and showed me examples where the efforts were much worse....sometimes unrecognizable. 

I said, but maybe mine is "early onset" and it helps to be caught early sometimes. Okay, now she was just tired of me


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> Here the buses drop the platform down electronically to allow Wheelchairs, prams, people who can't step up high etc on the bus


We have some of those now, but with my balance problems  I’d probably fall off the platform.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

Lara said:


> Btw, I've read many a post from many a member and I've never noticed memory loss from anyone.
> You all either don't have it or you are really hiding it well...or maybe I just don't remember
> 
> I'll admit, I do have short term memory problems. I asked my doctor and she said, you're not getting dementia or alzheimers. I said, but how do you know. She grabbed a piece of paper with a circle drawn and numbers like a clock...but no hands. She said here, draw the hands for 7:50. I actually did it and then had to change one of the hands...it freaked me out. She said, you don't have dementia and showed me examples where the efforts were much worse....sometimes unrecognizable.
> ...


Alzheimer’s is not forgetting where you put your keys, it’s forgetting what keys are for.


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## hollydolly (Mar 26, 2021)

Talking of buses , in 2 weeks time I can apply for a free bus pass...now I'm almost at retirement age!! I told my o/h that I'm going to use it when I need to go short distances, why pay for petrol, and parking charges ( all our public  car parks are chargeable , including many supermarkets)... so for the first time in about 30 years I'm going to use a bus to travel into town..and leave my car at home sometimes


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## Keesha (Mar 26, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> I doubt it, Mellow.
> 
> It started for me in and around the 50 mark, and most everyone I talk to experienced the same right around the same age.


That’s the same for me. Probably closer to mid 50’s I started experiencing short term memory loss and have noticed when I eat more anti inflammatory foods my mind is much clearer. 
Eating junk food is when I’m at my worst.

Creating a circle of friends or acquaintances was what I was getting at. If one doesn’t notice then there will be more who will.


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## Aunt Marg (Mar 26, 2021)

Keesha said:


> That’s the same for me. Probably closer to mid 50’s I started experiencing short term memory loss and have noticed when I eat more anti inflammatory foods my mind is much clearer.
> Eating junk food is when I’m at my worst.
> 
> Creating a circle of friends or acquaintances was what I was getting at. If one doesn’t notice then there will be more who will.


With me I believe it boils down to being an introvert. 

I'm not around people much at all, not even before Covid, and so when one isn't using peoples names, getting together with others, and venturing outside that of ones very own bubble, I believe the mind closes the outside world off and concentrates solely on what pertains to everyday life as it is.

I find everything and anything that's important to me, I remember, as for other trivial or secondary things, my stance has always been, who cares, hence why I struggle with names on occasion.

When I can't find my way here, then it will be time for me to concern myself over the possibility of something more going on, aside from that I hope I can maintain what I've got. 

P.S. Wishing you a lovely weekend, Keesha!


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## Kathleen’s Place (Mar 26, 2021)

Keesha said:


> Both my parents suffered through dementia. I had a no contact relationship with them for 8 years until my brother asked me to meet up with them again, knowing he couldn’t care for them.
> 
> When I first met them my moms dementia was obvious. There were rotting banana peels and fruit flies throughout the house as well as 16 bags of garbage in the basement. My mom clearly hadn’t been out shopping for new pyjamas or under garments in years and would even forget to wear them. What was wonderful is she forgot that she resented me so was more loving towards me than she’d ever been in her life and loved when I’d ( we’d) go up to see her. My father had regressed into a world of internet as a possible form of coping.
> 
> ...


That was very beautiful and very sad all at the same time.  

i’m so glad you had the happy time with your Mom before she had her stroke, and the stories and shared memories from your Dad are priceless

My heart and prayers go out to them both. The love they have for each other is obvious...but the love they have for you is heart rendering.  For whatever reason, your Mom couldn’t show it for all of those years. And yet it was always there or it wouldn’t have come out when she had dementia .  I’m just so happy she was finally free enough to share it...and that you had the chance to feel it 

And God bless your wonderful husband


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## Kathleen’s Place (Mar 26, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> Talking of buses , in 2 weeks time I can apply for a free bus pass...now I'm almost at retirement age!! I told my o/h that I'm going to use it when I need to go short distances, why pay for petrol, and parking charges ( all our public  car parks are chargeable , including many supermarkets)... so for the first time in about 30 years I'm going to use a bus to travel into town..and leave my car at home sometimes


What is an o/h???  Other husband?????


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## Kathleen’s Place (Mar 26, 2021)

PamfromTx said:


> It scares me too as my mother died after suffering horribly for 14 years due to Dementia.  Her dying was just as bad.   I love you, Mom... RIP.  Oh dear, I am actually crying.
> 
> It seems that there are more and more people being afflicted with Dementia and Alzheimer's.  Mom's younger sister died due to Alzheimer's and now their only surviving brother has the early stages of Dementia.
> 
> Makes my 2 sisters and I worry that we will also be victims.


Aw, Pam. I am so very sorry about your Mom. As awful as it is for them to go through it, I think it’s even harder on those who love them

I pray that your Mom is resting in peace also, although I’m almost 100% sure she is as she paid her dues on earth.

My B-I-L’s Dad died of Alzheimers and now his younger sister (75) has been diagnosed with it. My B-I-L has been participating in medical studies ever since his Dad died.


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## Keesha (Mar 26, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> With me I believe it boils down to being an introvert.
> 
> I'm not around people much at all, not even before Covid, and so when one isn't using peoples names, getting together with others, and venturing outside that of ones very own bubble, I believe the mind closes the outside world off and concentrates solely on what pertains to everyday life as it is.
> 
> ...


Exactly the same issue with me. I’m a total introvert also but since about the end of 2016 when I started seeing my family again, it got me out of the house more because I had to. I actually shop more now with Covid,  than I did without it. Plus my husband got me back into reading books and other things to keep my mind more active. Playing music helps greatly also but eating healthy food plays a crucial role in my experience. I’m very good with remembering peoples names however there are some things my husband talks to me about which I’ve forgotten. Most of the things come back to me once he jogs my memories but some things don’t.

While caring for my parents I was scared to death of this. I mean I was incredibly fearful but now I’m learning to just enjoy one day at a time cause I’m reality, that’s all we have and when I’ve looked back at times when I have worried about stuff, it all ends up working out in the end far better than I could have planned so I am also learning to trust in that invisible power we all have.

Have a wonderful weekend also Marg. 
I will write to you!


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## Kathleen’s Place (Mar 26, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> With me I believe it boils down to being an introvert.
> 
> I'm not around people much at all, not even before Covid, and so when one isn't using peoples names, getting together with others, and venturing outside that of ones very own bubble, I believe the mind closes the outside world off and concentrates solely on what pertains to everyday life as it is.
> 
> ...


Aunt Marge, you are an introvert????  Very hard to tell that by your out going personality on here

I always think of my brain as having boxes. When those boxes get full with whatever life is throwing my way at the time, then I have a hard time remembering so many things. Once I can clear out several of them, I’m back to normal again. ‘Tis weird.


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## hollydolly (Mar 26, 2021)

Kathleen’s Place said:


> What is an o/h???  Other husband?????


other Half....


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## Kathleen’s Place (Mar 26, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> other Half....


Oh!  Thank god...I was intrigued there for a second


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## Aunt Marg (Mar 26, 2021)

Kathleen’s Place said:


> *Aunt Marge, you are an introvert????  Very hard to tell that by your out going personality on here*
> 
> I always think of my brain as having boxes. When those boxes get full with whatever life is throwing my way at the time, then I have a hard time remembering so many things. Once I can clear out several of them, I’m back to normal again. ‘Tis weird.


Such a kind compliment, Kathleen. Thank you so much for it! 

I'm a strange introvert that way. I loathe crowds and dislike being around groups of people, but if I am faced with such, I find once I'm settled I have no problem with opening up and interacting with everyone and engaging others, just that (by nature) I much prefer being on my own.

As for chatting with others here, this forum helps coax me out of my shell. I attribute that to the wonderful melting pot of folks here!


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## MarciKS (Mar 26, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> There are many types of dementia so don’t be too concerned.  Everyone is worried about Alzheimer’s as that is the most talked about one. I was diagnosed with dementia when I was in my 50’s.  I think, can’t really remember .
> 
> I have a type that is particular to adults that were physically abused as children and endured a great deal of pain.  Under these circumstances your brain does not grow correctly, due to the effect of pain on the brain.  Hmm, that rhymes.
> 
> I did not ask about the long term effects.


hmmm....i wonder if there can be effects from verbal and emotional abuse that could cause a form of dimentia?


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## Aunt Marg (Mar 26, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Unless I talk to a person and they use their name, every single day, the name is gone, it won’t stick in my memory.  Movies, nope, even when I just saw it, loved it, and want to watch it again, I have to look up the name.  I think these kinds of issues are common to us all.
> 
> Besides when we were younger we had similar issues, with  so many children it was Tom, no response, Steve, no response, Joe, no response, look kid whatever your name is get over here now.


Too, when we we were younger, our minds were always running on overtime, they were supercharged and cycling information around the clock, but when we get older life changes gears, we enjoy a more relaxed way of life, one that rewards us with less hustle and bustle, less stress, and so our minds adjust to the change.

We focus on what's important, things in front of us, as for everything else in the rear-view mirror, we leave it there.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> hmmm....i wonder if there can be effects from verbal and emotional abuse that could cause a form of dimentia?


I don’t know, you can google it.  He only mentioned physical abuse to me, and when I described the abuse he said it was considered severe.  I disagreed and still do.  It was moderate abuse, and a lot of pain was involved.  There was also verbal and emotional abuse as well.  A tad bit of ****** abuse.

I actually developed selective memory loss, otherwise I could not have survived.  I attribute that to my poor memory as well.  I tend to “forget” the bad things that happen to me or emotional slights, abuse, etc.  I don’t carry grudges.

Most everything is “water off a ducks back” otherwise, I’d be a basket case, sitting in a mental hospital, weaving baskets.


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## hollydolly (Mar 26, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> There are many types of dementia so don’t be too concerned.  Everyone is worried about Alzheimer’s as that is the most talked about one. I was diagnosed with dementia when I was in my 50’s.  I think, can’t really remember .
> 
> I have a type that is particular to adults that were physically abused as children and endured a great deal of pain.  Under these circumstances your brain does not grow correctly, due to the effect of pain on the brain.  Hmm, that rhymes.
> 
> I did not ask about the long term effects.


How did I miss this ?...I hope you're wrong with this Aneeda, because it's well documented on here that I had a highly abusive childhood.. both physically,  & mentally.. and I was starved not only of love but of food, and failed to thrive as I should have ... have you got a link to this type of Dementia ?


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## Chet (Mar 26, 2021)

My mother was as sharp as a tack right up to her death at 88. My father started slipping in his 70's, but around that time he had a mild stroke that affected his sight and perhaps more. I'm paying closer attention my blood pressure now which can lead to a stroke if too high.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> How did I miss this ?...I hope you're wrong with this Aneeda, because it's well documented on here that I had a highly abusive childhood.. both physically,  & mentally.. and I was starved not only of love but of food, and failed to thrive as I should have ... have you got a link to this type of Dementia ?


No, sorry, I didn’t have a computer when I was 50 and I’ve never googled it.  Well, if it’s wrong it wouldn’t be me that’s wrong, it would be a neurologist at the University of Utah that was wrong. I always get blamed for everything .  

I was sent to the neurologist because I was having very bad nightmares of my shoulder being hurt, would wake up screaming, but I had no memory of my shoulder ever being hurt.  Plus memory loss, as in, , I do not remember my shoulder being hurt, balance issues etc.

Scans of my shoulder showed extensive repetitive injuries as if I had engaged in a repetitive sport that involved using my shoulders.  I hadn’t.  The only thing I can figure is I must have been lifted up by that shoulder, and held by that shoulder/arm while she repetitively beat on my back, butt, and legs-that happened 4-7 times a week.

I had to eventually have surgery on the shoulder about five years ago, and it’s the shoulder that is now torn.  I have a letter, somewhere, from this doctor.  I’ll put it on my list of things to locate this year and if I find it and it says I’ll let you know.  @hollydolly


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## Don M. (Mar 26, 2021)

Dementia is a Curse!  My Sister and Brother-in-law, in Denver, have declined to the point of no return.  I, and my numerous cousins in Denver started noticing problems with them about 3 or 4 years ago.  Their communications and interactions with others were suffering.  We all urged them to seek medical help....which they refused.  Since they were both seeming to have trouble, the cousins convinced them to have a thorough house inspection....thinking it might be something like Asbestos or Radon that was affecting them.  The inspections revealed nothing, so it was, and remains, a mystery as to what was affecting them.  They continued to slide downhill....and still refused to seek professional help.  

Eventually, it became obvious to everyone, including them, that they could no longer get by....hygiene and eating habits, etc., began to suffer.  They have no children, so it fell on The Brother-in-laws Sister, nearby, to "manage" their existence.  They are quite well off, financially, so their Winter home in Arizona was sold, they were convinced to move into a real nice Senior Center, and their Arvada home sold quickly for a premium price.  Now, they have excellent full time care, and have even begun to eat/bathe properly again, but their minds are Gone.  At least, they have enough funds to remain in this rather expensive facility for many years....instead of being shuttled off to some State facility where they receive minimal care.  

I call them about once a month, and I'm amazed that my Sister even remembers who I am.  They are always "hunky dory" over the phone, and looking forward to going back home, and taking their Winter vacation in Arizona....they don't even know where they are and what has happened to them....they think they are in a fancy hotel for a few days.  At least they are so far gone that they think everything is just fine.  

To this day, I still wonder what brought Both of them down at pretty much the same time....but their refusal to seek help pretty much ruined any possible resolution before they declined.  I just hope that my wife and I never have to face such a thing.  At least we have kids/grandkids nearby, and if they ever think we're having issues, I hope we are smart enough to listen to them, and seek help.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

Don M. said:


> Dementia is a Curse!  My Sister and Brother-in-law, in Denver, have declined to the point of no return.  I, and my numerous cousins in Denver started noticing problems with them about 3 or 4 years ago.  Their communications and interactions with others were suffering.  We all urged them to seek medical help....which they refused.  Since they were both seeming to have trouble, the cousins convinced them to have a thorough house inspection....thinking it might be something like Asbestos or Radon that was affecting them.  The inspections revealed nothing, so it was, and remains, a mystery as to what was affecting them.  They continued to slide downhill....and still refused to seek professional help.
> 
> Eventually, it became obvious to everyone, including them, that they could no longer get by....hygiene and eating habits, etc., began to suffer.  They have no children, so it fell on The Brother-in-laws Sister, nearby, to "manage" their existence.  They are quite well off, financially, so their Winter home in Arizona was sold, they were convinced to move into a real nice Senior Center, and their Arvada home sold quickly for a premium price.  Now, they have excellent full time care, and have even begun to eat/bathe properly again, but their minds are Gone.  At least, they have enough funds to remain in this rather expensive facility for many years....instead of being shuttled off to some State facility where they receive minimal care.
> 
> ...


I will be shuffled off to some state facility where I will receive minimal care from an overworked underpaid staff.  Thanks for the grim reminder of my future life.  It always nice to have such loving caring friends.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> How did I miss this ?...I hope you're wrong with this Aneeda, because it's well documented on here that I had a highly abusive childhood.. both physically,  & mentally.. and I was starved not only of love but of food, and failed to thrive as I should have ... have you got a link to this type of Dementia ?


Nope not wrong, there is even a new study in Japan which confirms this, sorry to give you bad news.  If you google, you will find I am right.


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## hollydolly (Mar 26, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Nope not wrong, there is even a new study in Japan which confirms this, sorry to give you bad news.  If you google, you will find I am right.


 'm too scared to google it


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> 'm too scared to google it


I’m sorry.  When you are up to it, research it If you want.  Better to know what to look for than to be caught with your panties down.  Hmm, grandma used to say that, whatever does it mean?


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## hollydolly (Mar 26, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I’m sorry.  When you are up to it, research it If you want.  Better to know what to look for than to be caught with your panties down.  Hmm, grandma used to say that, whatever does it mean?


I will but I'll need to get my head in the right place to get ready for potential bad news...


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## officerripley (Mar 26, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I will be shuffled off to some state facility where I will receive minimal care from an overworked underpaid staff.  Thanks for the grim reminder of my future life.  It always nice to have such loving caring friends.


Yeah, what I'm hoping for is the place I end up in has one of those "angels of death" type nurses or aides working there that has time to get around to me before they get arrested.


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## officerripley (Mar 26, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> In the Uk, if the doctor thinks that we should not be driving any more, he will send details to the DVLC, (Driving licence centre)  which deals with driving licences for every driver in the whole of the UK... and they will take steps to deal with it by issuing a renewal licence for just one year if the dementia isn't too bad, or cancelling the driving licence immediately.
> 
> By law the driver or family member should inform the DVLA long before the doctor has to ...or face £1000 fine
> 
> ...


Here in the US (in my state last time I checked anyway), doctors are not allowed to report that; only family members or friends are allowed to, sigh.


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## Jules (Mar 26, 2021)

My mother wasn’t capable of driving & it took a lot of explanation to convince the doctor.  After he sent a request to the Motor Vehicles for it to be cancelled, a clerk called to ask if she really wanted it cancelled.  GG!

She was still in her home with the car parked in the garage.  DH unhooked some little thing so it wouldn’t start in case she forgot about the license. We told a neighbour so he wouldn’t unknowingly fix it for her.


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## officerripley (Mar 26, 2021)

MarkinPhx said:


> His reaction was more based on the idea that his independence was being taken away from him. In a strange way he was reverting back to the boy that he was before he had a license. It was tough thing for him to accept.


On another site, agingcare.com (which is mostly for those caring for elderly family or spouses and which although it has good advice sometimes can also depress the heck out of you, a lot of people going thru absolute hell trying to take care of loved ones), a gal recently asked for advice since she was thinking her elderly father needed to stop driving and would it really be that hard to do that, etc. Welp, the answers were all along the lines of "brace yourself"; one gal replied that she'd been thru it with her elderly dad, her elderly father-in-law, and her elderly husband, 3 different guys with 3 different personalities but as she put it (IIRC), "You are going to literally think you've died and gone to hell; you are going to get called every name in the book; and you will never get forgiven ever for making them not being able to drive. So get ready." That only seems to happen with old men rather than old women. Hmmmm. 

Anyway, something to look forward to with my Huzz; ain't life just a party, though?


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## hollydolly (Mar 26, 2021)

I hear all these horror stories, and you know I have to be really  honest, if my husband ever gets it, and starts calling me names or lashing out, I will have to have him put in a home and let professionals look after him , I know my limits I just couldn't take it...


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## officerripley (Mar 26, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> I hear all these horror stories, and you know I have to be really  honest, if my husband ever gets it, and starts calling me names or lashing out, I will have to have him put in a home and let professionals look after him , I know my limits I just couldn't take it...


Here in the States where I live, unfortunately even before Covid, it's quite the ordeal to get somebody put into a home. It was a hellish experience with my poor old stepdad, my mom and my huzz & I had to tell stepdad in the doctor's presence that he couldn't go back home from the hospital but had to go into the nursing home and the way that he cried and yelled still haunts huzz and me to this day. Here, if the person in the hospital has family, a doctor can't just order them into the nursing home, you have to go through what mom & huzz & I did. And, so much of the time, there's a waiting list for even the halfway-decent homes, let alone the good ones; 3 different co-workers of mine had to take leaves of absence without pay from their jobs since there were waiting lists for the homes in which they wanted (or had) to put their elderly parents in in each case; 1 co-worker had her mom on the list for 2 years and then had to work about 5 years longer than she had planned and lost her house due to the financial hit she took having to take those 2 years off work.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> I hear all these horror stories, and you know I have to be really  honest, if my husband ever gets it, and starts calling me names or lashing out, I will have to have him put in a home and let professionals look after him , I know my limits I just couldn't take it...


I have threatened my husband a couple times with having him committed if he doesn’t get his crap together and I am serious.  He was a bear last week, and this week it’s all yes dear, of course dear, let me do that dear.

I just vacuumed the whole house and mr can’t wipe his feet or take his shoes off, came in and tracked mud everywhere.  He could see the steam pouring out of my ears and he holds out his hands and says “after I put your new bed together I will vacuum it all up”. *Yes you will and you will vacuum my bedroom right now.  *Yes dear.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 26, 2021)

officerripley said:


> Here in the States where I live, unfortunately even before Covid, it's quite the ordeal to get somebody put into a home. It was a hellish experience with my poor old stepdad, my mom and my huzz & I had to tell stepdad in the doctor's presence that he couldn't go back home from the hospital but had to go into the nursing home and the way that he cried and yelled still haunts huzz and me to this day. Here, if the person in the hospital has family, a doctor can't just order them into the nursing home, you have to go through what mom & huzz & I did. And, so much of the time, there's a waiting list for even the halfway-decent homes, let alone the good ones; 3 different co-workers of mine had to take leaves of absence without pay from their jobs since there were waiting lists for the homes in which they wanted (or had) to put their elderly parents in in each case; 1 co-worker had her mom on the list for 2 years and then had to work about 5 years longer than she had planned and lost her house due to the financial hit she took having to take those 2 years off work.


In 2018, after being in the hospital for about 2 1/2 weeks my husband and I were told I would go into a nursing home for two months or the insurance would not pay for my hospital stay.  . No choice.  Once there it was a horrid place.  I think I stayed 36 hours.  Told them they would sign me out and see that my hospital bill was paid or I’d call a news conference and say I was being held against my will, which I was.

An hour later I was released from hell.  Never going back, never.


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## Dana (Mar 26, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Nope not wrong, there is even a new study in Japan which confirms this, sorry to give you bad news.  If you google, you will find I am right.


_This must be the information you're after? _

"Children who had multiple adverse experiences growing up were more likely to develop dementia in old age, Japanese researchers reported.

People who had three or more adverse childhood experiences -- physical or psychological abuse, family psychopathology, or loss of a parent -- had twice the risk of developing dementia in later years as other older adults, even after taking into account economic hardship, demographics, education, and nutritional environment, according to Yukako Tani, PhD, of Tokyo Medical and Dental University, and co-authors."

Source: _JAMA Network Open._


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## Remy (Mar 26, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> I live alone and honestly there's not really anyone here to take notice if something goes wrong & I won't be able to do anything about it. I'll just end up somewhere some day not knowing where I am or even being aware I'm lost.  I just hope it's not in the middle of winter & I don't accidentally board a flight for another country. That would tick me off if I suddenly remembered who I was and I was in India or something.


There was a woman about 15 years ago in this area. Left church and never made it to lunch to meet her friends as planned. She was reported to stop in several areas asking how to get back to her town. They found her car up in the hills and she was found dead near her car in the snow. Sad. I wonder though was it better to go that way then lingering in a nursing home for years and years.

Not writing this to be scary. It could be me also since I live alone. There will never be anyone to care for me if I can no longer care for myself.


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## MarciKS (Mar 26, 2021)

Remy said:


> There was a woman about 15 years ago in this area. Left church and never made it to lunch to meet her friends as planned. She was reported to stop in several areas asking how to get back to her town. They found her car up in the hills and she was found dead near her car in the snow. Sad. I wonder though was it better to go that way then lingering in a nursing home for years and years.
> 
> Not writing this to be scary. It could be me also since I live alone. There will never be anyone to care for me if I can no longer care for myself.


i don't know. i think passing in a home would be far better than freezing to death.


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## hollydolly (Mar 26, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> i don't know. i think passing in a home would be far better than freezing to death.


not really. With hypothermia she would have just gone to sleep after a few hours... and died. much better than a horrible life with minimum wage carers leaving you lying in your own excrement in some cheap home...


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## MarciKS (Mar 26, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> not really. With hypothemia she would have just gone to sleep after a few hours... and died. much better than a horrible life with minimum wage carers leaving you lying in your own excrement in some cheap home...


maybe. either way would suck.


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## officerripley (Mar 26, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> not really. With hypothemia she would have just gone to sleep after a few hours... and died. much better than a horrible life with minimum wage carers leaving you lying in your own excrement in some cheap home...


Unfortunately, hypothermia is not a peaceful death for everyone; for some, yes; but for some, they feel like they are being burned alive--why people who've died freezing to death while climbing the Himalayas, etc. are found naked, they tear their clothes off they feel so hot. (That'd be my luck if I tried that route, I betcha.)

Another bad way was what happened to a 90-something man in our town. He had dementia but could walk okay; wandered away from wherever he was living; everyone searched & searched for him; the police finally had to stop, said "this'll have to go in the cold case" file; everyone was so puzzled: yeah, okay he could walk but how far could a 90-something year old guy walk; why haven't we found him or his body. Then about 2 months after he went missing, some people here in town who'd been gone from home for several months came home and found him dead in their garage. He'd either broken the garage window & reached through & unlocked the man door which was right next to the window or they forgot to lock the window; I forget which. But the door from the garage into the house was locked, so he died in the garage. An un-airconditioned garage in 100 degree weather. So he could well have died from heat stroke and thirst rather than just dying in his sleep of old age; a hard way to go, I think.


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## mellowyellow (Mar 26, 2021)

officerripley said:


> Unfortunately, hypothermia is not a peaceful death for everyone; for some, yes; but for some, they feel like they are being burned alive--why people who've died freezing to death while climbing the Himalayas, etc. are found naked, they tear their clothes off they feel so hot. (That'd be my luck if I tried that route, I betcha.)
> 
> Another bad way was what happened to a 90-something man in our town. He had dementia but could walk okay; wandered away from wherever he was living; everyone searched & searched for him; the police finally had to stop, said "this'll have to go in the cold case" file; everyone was so puzzled: yeah, okay he could walk but how far could a 90-something year old guy walk; why haven't we found him or his body. Then about 2 months after he went missing, some people here in town who'd been gone from home for several months came home and found him dead in their garage. He'd either broken the garage window & reached through & unlocked the man door which was right next to the window or they forgot to lock the window; I forget which. But the door from the garage into the house was locked, so he died in the garage. An un-airconditioned garage in 100 degree weather. So he could well have died from heat stroke and thirst rather than just dying in his sleep of old age; a hard way to go, I think.


I heard the story about hypothermia, the old Eskimo woman whose teeth could no longer stretch the hides, she walks away from the village, sits down in the snow, and dies peacefully.   It sounded so idyllic, but apparently it's not. 


> To shut down the loss of heat from the extremities, the body induces the narrowing of blood vessels (vasoconstriction). Over time the muscles necessary for inducing vasoconstriction become exhausted and fail, causing warm blood to rush from the core to the extremities.


It completely shattered my idea of a peaceful death.


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## PamfromTx (Mar 27, 2021)

@Jules


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 27, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> not really. With hypothermia she would have just gone to sleep after a few hours... and died. much better than a horrible life with minimum wage carers leaving you lying in your own excrement in some cheap home...


Nursing homes are anything but cheap.  Mine cost 2000 a day and was just a warehouse for old sick people.  There were three other woman there who had been in the hospital and their doctors insisted they go to a nursing home before going home.  I honestly think it was some kind of fraud - doctors getting kickbacks etc.

I asked them why they were there, instead of home, and they didn’t know the medical reason.  I was there cause I was very weak, considered medical fragile, and everyone knew my husband would not care for me at home and I would have to care for myself.  Still, it was a terrible place and it was a Catholic nursing home and clean but that was it.

There were no special diets so I had to go on insulin, 3 times a day, as the food was carb heavy. I had a private bathroom, but the shower didn’t work so I had to sponge bath.  It was a single bed, very high off the ground, and hard to get in and out of.  The chairs in the room were impossible for me to get out of, so I had to stay on the hard bed, which was like an ER bed but without rails.  I was terrified I’d fall out of it when asleep.

I was told to never leave anything in my room because the other patients there would steal your things etc.  All these issues for 2000 dollars a day.


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## hollydolly (Mar 27, 2021)

2, 000 a day ????  are you sure ?  what was it . Buckingham Palace ?  how could anyone afford 2 grand a day ?


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## Keesha (Mar 27, 2021)

2,000 a day? That was make living in a nursing home $730,000 a year. There’s no way your average person, could pay that much. I know there are a lot of differences between the US and Canadian but this information seems way off.

Here in Canada long term care for nursing homes is subsidized. The government pays 50% and the residents pay 50% making the cost average out to about 2,000 a month depending on the type of room you want. If you have no money the government pays 100%. Nobody needs to go uncared for and while these places might not be the kind of place you want to end up, once you start getting Dementia, your life could be in danger. This was why it was so necessary to get my parents in a home as soon as possible but it wasn’t easy.

Here’s is a basic nursing home in Canada for long term care.

https://reveraliving.com/en/live-wi...MI3re4n8LQ7wIVC43ICh1hYQphEAAYAyAAEgI1CfD_BwE

All the nursing homes I visit were clean, well organized, with impressive menus with a variety of options, the daily activity list, the exercise rooms, libraries, bath and shower areas, mobility service for outings, and great nursing nurses aids or support workers.  I visit 7 or 8 of them and some of them were incredibly impressive. Most have garden centres in the middle of them for watching the birds, having a hot drink and a snack with your friends or reading a book. Nursing homes are nearly as frightening as I thought they would be.

Note: I shared my story about my parents as an example of the unexpected things that can happen with older people experiencing dementia. It wasn’t intended to shame anyone.
It was intended to learn from. I certainly did.


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## OneEyedDiva (Mar 27, 2021)

Jules said:


> @OneEyedDiva   you‘re really dealing with and have dealt with many issues.  When you’ve experienced it first hand, we can’t help but watch for signs.  You certainly feel helpless.
> 
> If genetics indicate anything for me, my mother didn’t start to show signs until she was in her upper 80s.
> 
> My brain stimulator is bridge, online during Covid.


I play several games that require a little strategy, Words With Friends & Scrabble, Tile Connect  and a different kind of crossword (Cody Cross) that I'm decent at but learn a lot I didn't know. I play Fantasy Mahjong which challenges my memory a bit. Along with my creative endeavors, I'm hoping these things will keep the cobwebs and dementia out of my brain.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 27, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> 2, 000 a day ????  are you sure ?  what was it . Buckingham Palace ?  how could anyone afford 2 grand a day ?


Yes I am sure.  The hospital stay was over 100,000 for 2 1/2 weeks, the nursing home, nothing fancy 2000 a day not counting all the medical stuff like PT,OT, etc.  we have primary insurance and Medicare and had met all our deductibles so our share would have been zero and they choose exactly the time frame that would be paid for in full by insurance-the two months.  Rip-off for sure.

The stories I could tell about just being there overnight, it was a neglectful place.  My son had scouted several places and this was the cleanest he could find in a short time.  He said some of the places were really disgusting nasty filthy places.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 27, 2021)

OneEyedDiva said:


> I play several games that require a little strategy, Words With Friends & Scrabble, Tile Connect  and a different kind of crossword (Cody Cross) that I'm decent at but learn a lot I didn't know. I play Fantasy Mahjong which challenges my memory a bit. Along with my creative endeavors, I'm hoping these things will keep the cobwebs and dementia out of my brain.


I like Mahjong but have not played it in a long time.


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## Ruby Rose (Mar 27, 2021)

DaveA said:


> I question whether the occasional forgetfulness of older folks necessarily ties into on-coming dementia or some such disease.  A possibility - -of course, but many old folks become forgetful and confused at times yet live to a ripe old age, still continuing to function.  And even the term "old", in these forums, can mean almost anyone over 50, depending on that person's view on aging.
> 
> I'm 87 and my wife is 84.  Are we forgetful - -you better believe it.  Is it a sudden onset in the last couple of years - -not at all.  I probably started to become forgetful (compared to my younger self) when I was in my late 60's.  Worse today?  I'd say so, but not disabling in any way.
> 
> That in no way compares to folks who do start to be ravaged in their later years. I only mention the above to point out, IMHO, that there is a certain amount of mental fade out for almost all of us but many pass away never contracting any "mental disease" known to modern science.


If I could step back to a certain decade in my life, it would be my late 50s and early 60s, at which time I drove my husband crazy, so to speak, as I embarked on a crusade of sorts, volunteering both at a psychiatric hospital as editor of the in-house magazine, but also as an entertainment caregiver in a nursing home, also on a volunteer basis.

My dear mother had been "dumped" (I can't think of a better word) into a nursing home for dementia by my siblings, while I was living afar once more. Seeing at the time I was on a crusade against elder abuse, I decided to embark my studies on life in a nursing home, and felt ashamed at how families treated their loved ones incarcerated/dumped/abandoned in nursing homes...for their own good, mind you.

The first thing I did was to put away my preconceptions and plans, and prepare to play the game with the people you meet at a nursing home. My goal was not to judge but to bring joy...smiles, feelings back to the forefront...to make the old dears feel like someone once more, and not just a discard on a shelf.

A question that they always asked every day, throughout the day, was "What time is it?"--which kind of told you how lost they felt.

And, so I began my campaign of care. I collected old purses and put cards etc. in them and passed them out. A purse is something they all remembered and yearned for. Then there were stuffies or dolls (all safety-checked, of course), which turned into their babies of days gone by, and brought tears to my eyes. And, I listened to one and all.

My dear Mom, strapped in her wheelchair, was on a plane on a trip to visit old friends, and advised me very solemnly to leave, as her plane was about to take off! In other words, you got on the same page as they were.

I would come the next day and saw a group of ladies with their purses in hand off on a shopping trip. My Mom's trip went very well in spite of a bit of turbulence. All in all, I tried to bring a bit of fun...joy...memories, and was paid tenfold by seeing aged faces...the forgotten ones...happy with smiles which sure made my day.

I was asked to return after two years when my Mom passed, but, alas, the nature of my life was off on the road again...


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## Remy (Mar 27, 2021)

@MarciKS  and @hollydolly Yes sad to think she probably had met friends at that restaurant many times after church but that day she drove and drove, not finding her way to her destination. Just lost. She was reported to stop at several gas stations, quick marts up to almost an hour from her town asking how to get back to it. Either way this poor soul didn't have much ahead of her with the dementia setting in like that. 

@officerripley Another sad outcome. People with dementia can walk and walk sometimes. Their minds have failed but their body still has strength. A hard outcome for the family and the homeowners of that property.


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## MarciKS (Mar 27, 2021)

Remy said:


> @MarciKS  and @hollydolly Yes sad to think she probably had met friends at that restaurant many times after church but that day she drove and drove, not finding her way to her destination. Just lost. She was reported to stop at several gas stations, quick marts up to almost an hour from her town asking how to get back to it. Either way this poor soul didn't have much ahead of her with the dementia setting in like that.
> 
> @officerripley Another sad outcome. People with dementia can walk and walk sometimes. Their minds have failed but their body still has strength. A hard outcome for the family and the homeowners of that property.


We have a man here that's never been found. He's been gone a year.


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## Remy (Mar 27, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> We have a man here that's never been found. He's been gone a year.


Oh no. That's super hard on the family. That poor person passed someplace in the woods on undeveloped land most likely.


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## MarciKS (Mar 27, 2021)

Remy said:


> Oh no. That's super hard on the family. That poor person passed someplace in the woods on undeveloped land most likely.


might have been kidnapped too. they never have found him or his body. and we've had some dead bodies turn up this past year. none were him.


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## hollydolly (Mar 27, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Yes I am sure.  The hospital stay was over 100,000 for 2 1/2 weeks, the nursing home, nothing fancy 2000 a day not counting all the medical stuff like PT,OT, etc.  we have primary insurance and Medicare and had met all our deductibles so our share would have been zero and they choose exactly the time frame that would be paid for in full by insurance-the two months.  Rip-off for sure.
> 
> The stories I could tell about just being there overnight, it was a neglectful place.  My son had scouted several places and this was the cleanest he could find in a short time.  He said some of the places were really disgusting nasty filthy places.


This is where my M-i-l spent the last few years of her life... it costs £1,000 per week...



https://www.carehome.co.uk/carehome.cfm/searchazref/20001070RUSC#


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## Keesha (Mar 27, 2021)

I get stuck on over staring.


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## officerripley (Mar 27, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> 2, 000 a day ????  are you sure ?  what was it . Buckingham Palace ?  how could anyone afford 2 grand a day ?


Nursing homes here in my state usually start at about $6,000/month (the fanciest one is actually $8,000/month); assisted living starts at anywhere between $3,000 and $4,000. (Last time I checked, about a year ago; no doubt it's gone up since then and a lot of staff have been laid off because of Covid...to quote one of the Alien movies: "Real nice party, ain't it?")


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## hollydolly (Mar 27, 2021)

officerripley said:


> Nursing homes here in my state usually start at about $6,000/month (the fanciest one is actually $8,000/month); assisted living starts at anywhere between $3,000 and $4,000. (Last time I checked, about a year ago; no doubt it's gone up since then and a lot of staff have been laid off because of Covid...to quote one of the Alien movies: "Real nice party, ain't it?")


yes that's about the same price as here.. $6000 = £4,300 British Pounds ( approx 1k a week... )


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## officerripley (Mar 27, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> We have a man here that's never been found. He's been gone a year.


A similar thing also happened here: A man who was only in his 70s but despondent over the death of his wife suddenly announced one December to his grown kids who also lived here that he was going to drive to the other end of the state (about a 10 hour drive in each direction) to spend Christmas with either (I forget which) friends or family down there. His kids said, "Gee, I don't know, Dad; none of us can get away to go with you and that's an awful long drive." He: "Oh, don't worry. I'll take my time, make a 2-day trip out of it so I can stop at motels before dark; it'll be okay." They decided well, maybe the change of scenery would do him good, he'd been so despondent over the mom's death, "Oh, okay; well, call us as soon as you get there." "Oh, I will." 

Off he went. On the 3rd day, the kids call whoever it was he was going to spend the holidays with, "Didn't he get there yet?" "Get here? We didn't even know he was coming; when did he leave there?" Uh oh. So now the police put out a BOLO for him and his car, hospitals, motels, etc. all along the way were checked with, nothing. After a while, the police said they couldn't devote any more time to it; it was going in the cold case file. 1 or 2 family members even drove back & forth along the route he would've taken talking to people, putting up missing fliers, etc. but nothing.

Then at least 4 or 5 months later, some loggers about 4 hours north of here were finally able to get back into their logging area since the snow had finally melted and found him dead in his car on a logging road; he'd driven 'till his car got stuck in the snow and then more snow fell so his car wouldn't've been spotted from the air either. And I can't remember whether he left a suicide note or they were figuring he had driven up there purposely to commit suicide because he had bolt cutters with him to cut open the gate across the logging road. You know, if it was suicide, what he put his family through; I mean it's hard enough if a loved one commits suicide, but they were left wondering what happened to him--is he in a shallow grave somewhere and is his car in about 20 pieces in different chop shops, poor Dad--for at least four months! Awful.


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## MarciKS (Mar 27, 2021)

officerripley said:


> A similar thing also happened here: A man who was only in his 70s but despondent over the death of his wife suddenly announced one December to his grown kids who also lived here that he was going to drive to the other end of the state (about a 10 hour drive in each direction) to spend Christmas with either (I forget which) friends or family down there. His kids said, "Gee, I don't know, Dad; none of us can get away to go with you and that's an awful long drive." He: "Oh, don't worry. I'll take my time, make a 2-day trip out of it so I can stop at motels before dark; it'll be okay." They decided well, maybe the change of scenery would do him good, he'd been so despondent over the mom's death, "Oh, okay; well, call us as soon as you get there." "Oh, I will."
> 
> Off he went. On the 3rd day, the kids call whoever it was he was going to spend the holidays with, "Didn't he get there yet?" "Get here? We didn't even know he was coming; when did he leave there?" Uh oh. So now the police put out a BOLO for him and his car, hospitals, motels, etc. all along the way were checked with, nothing. After a while, the police said they couldn't devote any more time to it; it was going in the cold case file. 1 or 2 family members even drove back & forth along the route he would've taken talking to people, putting up missing fliers, etc. but nothing.
> 
> Then at least 4 or 5 months later, some loggers about 4 hours north of here were finally able to get back into their logging area since the snow had finally melted and found him dead in his car on a logging road; he'd driven 'till his car got stuck in the snow and then more snow fell so his car wouldn't've been spotted from the air either. And I can't remember whether he left a suicide note or they were figuring he had driven up there purposely to commit suicide because he had bolt cutters with him to cut open the gate across the logging road. You know, if it was suicide, what he put his family through; I mean it's hard enough if a loved one commits suicide, but they were left wondering what happened to him--is he in a shallow grave somewhere and is his car in about 20 pieces in different chop shops, poor Dad--for at least four months! Awful.


At least at the nursing home they know where he is even if he's being neglected. But at the same time he probably knew what was happening and wanted the right to take care of it in his own way.


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## win231 (May 13, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> I live alone and honestly there's not really anyone here to take notice if something goes wrong & I won't be able to do anything about it. I'll just end up somewhere some day not knowing where I am or even being aware I'm lost.  I just hope it's not in the middle of winter & I don't accidentally board a flight for another country. That would tick me off if I suddenly remembered who I was and I was in India or something.


Yes, and you'd have to learn to like Curry.


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