# Childrearing: What did you do differently?



## MercyL (Sep 16, 2013)

Like most people, I had some firm ideas about my child rearing future. Of course, my own parents gave me that "just wait until you have children" smug that so many parents enjoy when their children start sharing how they'll be different.

I decided I would never say, "as long as you are under my roof" and successfully maintained that policy through my sons' graduating high school and getting their own apartments. I also decided that I would not take loads of photos. 

My not taking childhood photos, beyond school pictures or rare occasions when I consented to their being photographed was based on something I observed during my own childhood.The first thing I noticed was that people with  photos rarely had this tendency to ignore their child's having grown up or changed, mainly because they could "recharge" their mind with images of the toddler or preteen. 

This might seem silly, but watch someone with a photo album of their children, anywhere in the house, talk to their 10 year old. You might see what I am talking about. The child is only as old as the parents' favorite photo. LOL

Parents will show the most humiliating photos to their child's friends and/or romantic interests. Most people in our age group remember the dreaded bare baby on a bear rug imagery shown to anyone who would look. In today's society you might be jailed for having nude photos of your child, anywhere!

My sons' paternal grandparents, along with their other paternal relatives, had this habit of dragging out photos featuring big wet urine stains on the fronts of hapless toddlers along with other degrading pictures. They thought the photos were cute and harmless.

I did not want to ever be that a type of mother and did not allow photos revealing helplessness, dependency, or defilement. We all choose for our children until they can choose for themselves. Our choices should maintain their dignity.

With this in mind, did you set policies for your children before they were born? If so, which policy was most important? How successful were you with your "carry through"?


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## GDAD (Sep 16, 2013)

I don't know whether this is different, but my wife & i always LISTENED to what our sons had to say.
We never shrugged them off, we always replied or together found out what information they required.
We constantly reminded them that no matter what, how small, how big their problem seemed we together
would sort it out. 
Our sons are 38 & 39 married we have 5 grandchildren & we see the same thing happening between them
and their children.

Yes we also converse with our Grandchildren in the same way.
The last thing all the family say & do to each other WHEN LEAVING: is a kiss on the cheek & say"I LOVE YOU"


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## Diwundrin (Sep 16, 2013)

MercyL said:


> ..................
> With this in mind, did you set policies for your children before  they were born? If so, which policy was most important? How successful  were you with your "carry through"?



The policy I set was to not have any and that's 'carried through' extremely successfully.  Never had a bit of trouble nor a single worry from them.



Nor have I given them any hang-ups about parent resentment issues, embarrassing old fashioned rules and photographs, generation gap misunderstandings, and most importantly, genetic flaws.  It's worked out wonderfully for all of us.


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## Warrigal (Sep 16, 2013)

My first arrived when I was but 20 years old and I had no ideas about parenting other than I valued education and learning. I also valued freedom but knew that it is a dangerous thing without education and guidance from responsible parents/mentors. My main aim was to raise my kids safely to adulthood and to equip them with the thinking skills to be fully adult people who could stand on their own feet. 

I learnt on the job.


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## SeaBreeze (Sep 16, 2013)

I don't have any kids, and when I was young my mother didn't take excessive amounts of pictures of me.  She never took any negative or degrading photos of me whatsoever, not even naked baby on rug.  I wonder nowadays about people who put videos of the birth of their babies on the internet, and all kinds of photos of them from day one.  I disagree with that, and I wouldn't want to be that child grown up, looking at his entire personal life on the world wide web.  Somehow to me, that's just not right, almost evil.


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## Jillaroo (Sep 17, 2013)

_My mother when she walked out on us took every photo of us so we have no childhood memories to look back on_


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## Diwundrin (Sep 17, 2013)

That's an awful thing to do Jilly,  I always feel for people who lose their photos in fires and floods, but I guess thoughtless parents are a force of nature too, unfortunately.

(Mine just tore people she didn't like off ours, there's tattered half photos all through them.  

)


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## Pappy (Sep 17, 2013)

Gramp was a picture nut. I have posted some for all to enjoy. Mom took a few of me as a little squirt and we took a few of our kids. 8 MM films were popular so the wife and I took several rolls of the kids. A few years back, I put them on DVDs and gave each kid a copy. 
I have to agree that cameras should be left out of delivery room. This is a very personable time. Hell, I was escorted out of the room when my kids were born. Smoking and pacing. :mad2:


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## Jillaroo (Sep 17, 2013)

_Things have certainly changed Pappy, some families all come along to the birth now, i could think of nothing worse when i am in labour_


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## That Guy (Sep 17, 2013)

Both my parents were tough and extremely strict.  I remember thinking that when I became a parent I would be nice.  Many, many years later, while writing a paper for a college class on parenting, my  preteen son came blasting into the house and up the stairs to his room with the usual "Hi, Dad. Bye, Dad." in passing.  On his hurried way out the door, he asked what I was working on (curious about my weekend ritual of studying).  I said I was working on a paper for a parenting class and asked how I was doing as a parent.  He said, "Great."  When I inquired why, he called over his shoulder, "Because you're nice."  I love my son.


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## SeaBreeze (Sep 17, 2013)

Jillaroo said:


> _My mother when she walked out on us took every photo of us so we have no childhood memories to look back on_



That's so sad, how selfish of her.


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## Katybug (Sep 17, 2013)

Warrigal said:


> My first arrived when I was but 20 years old and I had no ideas about parenting other than I valued education and learning. I also valued freedom but knew that it is a dangerous thing without education and guidance from responsible parents/mentors. My main aim was to raise my kids safely to adulthood and to equip them with the thinking skills to be fully adult people who could stand on their own feet.
> 
> I learnt on the job.



*Ditto to everything you said, same thing here, a young mother learning on the job.  But my friend who is a first time mom at 44 is going through the same thing we did.  The lil bundles don't come with instructions and it's one of life's biggest and most rewarding challenges.  *


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## Katybug (Sep 17, 2013)

Jillaroo said:


> _My mother when she walked out on us took every photo of us so we have no childhood memories to look back on_



*That is one of the most emotionally cruel things I can think of -- as if leaving weren't bad enough. I feel so bad for you that life really dealt you an extremely harsh blow.  
*


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## Katybug (Sep 17, 2013)

Jillaroo said:


> _Things have certainly changed Pappy, some families all come along to the birth now, i could think of nothing worse when i am in labour_



*The concept of a family gathering totally blows my mind, always has!  I hope the technology they're using to film will still work when the child is old enough to see the parents who want to capture it.  Can't even imagine who else you would show it to or who would want to see it!  Probably not even the child being born!
*


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## Diwundrin (Sep 17, 2013)

That Guy said:


> Both my parents were tough and extremely strict.  I remember thinking that when I became a parent I would be nice.  Many, many years later, while writing a paper for a college class on parenting, my  preteen son came blasting into the house and up the stairs to his room with the usual "Hi, Dad. Bye, Dad." in passing.  On his hurried way out the door, he asked what I was working on (curious about my weekend ritual of studying).  I said I was working on a paper for a parenting class and asked how I was doing as a parent.  He said, "Great."  When I inquired why, he called over his shoulder, "Because you're nice."  I love my son.



Don't be too nice TG.  Someone close was a child of the Gt Depression and grew up resenting the hard life they'd led.  When he got successful in business and started a family he made it plain that his kids wouldn't be 'deprived' as he had been.  He indulged them in everything they ever wanted, dressed them in the best of everything, toured them around the World before they were old enough to understand what they were seeing and bought 'em all a swanky car to drive to Uni in.  That went well.

He raised 3 of them. A closet drunk, a violent drunken thief, and a drug addict.  All of them are basket cases. 
 Divorces, domestic dramas, feral kids of their own that he was forever shelling out legal fees for.  Great parenting move eh?  They are the most selfish, shallow dough heads I've ever known.  They would all have fared better with a more 'deprived' upbringing. All he taught them was to value and appreciate nothing.  Saddest part is that he finally saw what he'd done far too late to mend it.  He kept paying for their mistakes until the day he died because he took the blame for their behaviour.  Probably rightly so.


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## Happyflowerlady (Sep 17, 2013)

I was an only child, and always thought  that I had the best parents possible in the whole world. I was raised to be honest, polite, and caring , and always to do my best.  My mom was always out with her old Kodak camera taking pictures of everything, and it was always a great family evening when we would take out the old picture boxes and look at them, and talk about the memories.

I tried hard to bring up my children with the same values in life as I had been taught. I fell far short of accomplishing everything that my parents did with me,  but they still turned out to be wonderful adults, and I couldn't love them more.
I took pictures , too, so now they can look back at the wonderful childhood pictures and remember the times we had, picnics, fishing trips, traveling together in the van and singing all the old songs that we could remember until the whole family was hoarse.
We didn't have much for money, but we had each other, and a lot of love and good times together.


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## That Guy (Sep 18, 2013)

Diwundrin said:


> Don't be too nice TG.



By nice I was not indulgent.  I was kind, understanding and supportive.  Misbehavior was dealt with swiftly, honestly and fairly.  He grew to be a fine man and I love him very much.


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## TICA (Sep 18, 2013)

My children were always involved in any major decisions and I actually listened to their point of view.  At one point, I was a single parent, the kids were 13 and 9 and the house I was renting had been sold and we were looking for a new place to rent.   We looked at some really nice houses and some not so nice houses.   I sat them down and told them, we could afford the nice house but nothing extra - no hockey, no horses and no Friday night pizza, or we could rent the not so nice house, paint it ourselves, and have the sports and treats once in a while.  As a team, we opted for the cheaper house and I never heard a regret from them.  They both knew that if they could present enough facts and it made sense, I could be swayed whatever way they wanted IF it made sense.   In short - they had an equal say in all of the big decisions including which house I bought when I could afford it!

Today, they are adults but are self assured, confident, and smart and at the same time are caring and loving individuals  They could talk to the homeless person on the street with empathy or the Prime Minister and be comfortable with either one of them.   I'm very proud of my children and they are also my best friends.


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## That Guy (Sep 19, 2013)

TICA said:


> My children were always involved in any major decisions and I actually listened to their point of view.  At one point, I was a single parent, the kids were 13 and 9 and the house I was renting had been sold and we were looking for a new place to rent.   We looked at some really nice houses and some not so nice houses.   I sat them down and told them, we could afford the nice house but nothing extra - no hockey, no horses and no Friday night pizza, or we could rent the not so nice house, paint it ourselves, and have the sports and treats once in a while.  As a team, we opted for the cheaper house and I never heard a regret from them.  They both knew that if they could present enough facts and it made sense, I could be swayed whatever way they wanted IF it made sense.   In short - they had an equal say in all of the big decisions including which house I bought when I could afford it!
> 
> Today, they are adults but are self assured, confident, and smart and at the same time are caring and loving individuals  They could talk to the homeless person on the street with empathy or the Prime Minister and be comfortable with either one of them.   I'm very proud of my children and they are also my best friends.



You win my Great Parenting Award, TICA.  Excellent!


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## Capt Lightning (Oct 15, 2013)

To cut a long story short, my parents had a keen sense of 'right and wrong'.  They were always right and I was always wrong!
I figured out quite early that they (especially mother) were more interested in how people perceived them, not me or my siblings.  So, it was never "Don't do X, Y or Z - what would people think of you?".  It was "What would people think of your parents?".

Similarly, if you did anything good like won a prize at school, it was "Look how good we are as parents".
Not much ever pleased them and I gave up trying.  I swore that I never wanted to be like them and while I'm very proud of my childrens' achievements, it's THEIR 
achievements - not MINE.  I've tried never to say "Don't do that" - rather "Think of the consequences if you do...."  And if they did screw up, I was there to put a 'safety net' under them.

I regret not having a better relationship with my parents, but that's the way it turned out.


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## MercyL (Oct 15, 2013)

Capt Lightning said:


> To cut a long story short, my parents had a keen sense of 'right and wrong'.  They were always right and I was always wrong!
> I figured out quite early that they (especially mother) were more interested in how people perceived them, not me or my siblings.  So, it was never "Don't do X, Y or Z - what would people think of you?".  It was "What would people think of your parents?".
> 
> Similarly, if you did anything good like won a prize at school, it was "Look how good we are as parents".
> ...



My parents were pretty much the same, but I believe a lot of their problems stemmed for their being black/mixed race and growing up in the South. They had a lot of fears to teach, and they did their very best to do so.

In the end its was impossible to really have a relationship with them. We lived in two completely different worlds and the truths they clung to were not those of my world.

Do you think your parents were actually afraid of what people would think of them? If so, did they ever discuss the consequences of not having a good reputation?


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## Diwundrin (Oct 15, 2013)

That expectation of children being  merely a reflection of their own worth seems to apply to parents from many different societies. 
 I was always admonished that anything I did would be blamed on my Mother.  Well that went well for her when the 'revenge' gene kicked in later in life after I finally woke up to her tactics.  

  I often told her I'd done things I hadn't just to watch her world crumble.  All's fair in love and mind games right?

Taking kids on a guilt trip is not playing fair.  Giving them advice that only benefits the parent, not the child is dirty tactics.  Treating a child as merely an extension of themselves is not parenting, it's selfish enslavement.

My 'dear old Mum' was the quintessential example of a pure Narcissist that is illustrated in text books. 
 But I didn't understand that growing up.  I just thought that if my capabilities weren't even good enough for my own Mother, who was supposed to love and support me come what may, then the rest of the World must see me as a pretty abject failure, so I'd better just keep my head down and accept that as being how things are.

Luckily I had uncles who understood their sister only too well and gave  me the confidence I needed, and the strength to resist her 'advice'.  But always well out of her hearing range. She had a pretty impressive outrage mode.  


My Father had no input in my upbringing at all, he was too busy trying to keep her from 'drowning' him too. He just went 'out' a lot and stayed out as long as he could. He only came home to eat and sleep.

 I  could cry for kids in that situation who have no other outside influence  in their lives to balance their perspective. 
I was able to survive her by playing it as a game of minds and tactics laced with a deep appreciation of the black humour of the situation.  I think that without that outside advice and insight from my uncles I would have topped myself at an early age.

She went through life apologizing to even casual acquaintances for my cooking, housekeeping, and later my hand maiding and nursing abilities in sustaining her existence as 'grand lady of the manor'.  To her I was a bumbling servant kept around out of the goodness of her heart.  The well meaning, and dutiful daughter, who unfortunately though didn't quite measure up to the expectations that her superior parenting skills had moulded.  


She even lied about where I worked. In her mind,  shift-working nurses, even her fantasy ones who only did 'office work',  were socially acceptable, but not Railway telegraph operators apparently.  That would have reflected badly on her imagined social status.

She was by then the only one with that view of her worth and was laughed about,  but it was no picnic living with her 'parenting skills' I can tell you that for free!

Medals to those parents who guide their children along the path of their choosing rather than choose a path to force them onto.
	

	
	
		
		

		
			







... anyone still wondering how I got so cynical about life?


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## MercyL (Oct 17, 2013)

Diwundrin said:


> ...
> My 'dear old Mum' was the quintessential example of a pure Narcissist that is illustrated in text books.
> But I didn't understand that growing up.  I just thought that if my capabilities weren't even good enough for my own Mother, who was supposed to love and support me come what may, then the rest of the World must see me as a pretty abject failure, so I'd better just keep my head down and accept that as being how things are.
> 
> ...



Are you sure we aren't related?

Your mother and mine must have attended the same school of parenting, where children replace maids or whipping boys and motherhood is a series of manipulations twisting the natural dependency of children into a tool to instill unreasonable fears.

In fact, my mother was so successful with my sister that my sister still lives at home with her, at 53 years old.

She basically got frightened out of being an adult.


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## seabreezy (Oct 24, 2013)

My brother and I grew up basically in the military. Dad was in the Navy when I was born, and retired when I was about 17. So, we lived in several different places, like Japan, Guam, Morocco and many different states....as a result, there are TONS of photos, and slides that were taken of us as kids throughout the years. Mom made us each a scrap book with photos of us as babies, and older, and with various school papers and report cards, things like that in them.  My parents were terribly strict when I was TRYING to grow up. I hated it, just hated it. It did seem as teens, my brother was treated in a more relaxed manner than I was. Not sure if that's because I was a girl, or what. I couldn't wear makeup or jeans until I was in high school. We couldn't listen to music we liked on the radio, it was usually on a gospel station. As a teenager living on Guam, I had several friends, but of course my parents did not like them. I think i've always been somewhat of a rebel at heart, and maybe they saw a glimpse of that and tried to keep me from it, lol. I also remember about 5 or 6 years ago, being told by one of my mom's brothers and my grandmother also, that my parents were disappointed that when I was born, that I wasn't a boy. I also remember all of my uncles being super protective of me, I never really understood why..perhaps the my not being a boy had something to do with it. I've heard rumors of things, so it does make me wonder. 
 I especially hated clothes shopping with my mom, because if she didn't like it, I couldn't have it, simple as that. It didn't matter that I like it and was the one to wear it. I think that's probably the biggest change I made when my own kids were born. My daughter especially...I would let her pick out what SHE liked, within reason of course as she got older.  She was the one who had to wear what she picked out, not me, so as long as it was decent, I was ok with it. I was strict with my kids, but only in matters that called for it. That's not to say my kids ran wild and did whatever they wanted, they didn't, but I also just let them be kids.


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## RedRibbons (Dec 4, 2013)

My parents spanked us kids much too much. I used time-out for mine. I spanked the youngest, never, and the oldest one time. Oldest had a friend who liked to light fires. My son was playing with matches in his room. I had a long talk with him. Several days later, he lit a small fire outside. I wore his butt out, and he never did that again.


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## Aunt Marg (Apr 29, 2020)

MercyL said:


> Like most people, I had some firm ideas about my child rearing future. Of course, my own parents gave me that "just wait until you have children" smug that so many parents enjoy when their children start sharing how they'll be different.
> 
> I decided I would never say, "as long as you are under my roof" and successfully maintained that policy through my sons' graduating high school and getting their own apartments. I also decided that I would not take loads of photos.
> 
> ...


Can't say I did anything overly differently from the rest, but I was traditional and old-fashioned in my ways.

As for baby photos, I have a TON... just shy of 10 albums worth of photos from when my kids were born, through to when they were toddlers, and in no way did my taking of baby photos undermine the manner in which I addressed my children. All was kept age-appropriate in our house, and sure, there was fun ribbing over certain things, but never in a degrading way.


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## JaniceM (Apr 29, 2020)

The #1 difference:  I believed my kids deserved my time and attention, and made sure they had it.


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## Aunt Marg (Apr 29, 2020)

JaniceM said:


> The #1 difference:  I believed my kids deserved my time and attention, and made sure they had it.


Right there with you!

One thing I always loved was story-time before bed. Loved it as a child... loved it as a mom. Quite often I'd make up a fun story about something or another, and rattle away telling it. My kids loved that, and yes, I had a shelf full of children's books that, once my kids reached the age and stage of selecting something they wanted to be read, I'd have them fetch it.

Even thinking back to my babysitting years, I read bedtime stories to many of the kids I sat. There was just something about seeing them happy in their beds and cribs, their innocent, smiling faces lit up like the sun, and their eyes reflecting their contrast in wonder and suspense as the story unfolded.

Story-time is something I always made time for.


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## C'est Moi (Apr 29, 2020)

Happyflowerlady said:


> I always thought  that I had the best parents possible in the whole world. I was raised to be honest, polite, and caring , and always to do my best.  My mom was always out with her old Kodak camera taking pictures of everything, and it was always a great family evening when we would take out the old picture boxes and look at them, and talk about the memories.
> 
> I tried hard to bring up my children with the same values in life as I had been taught. I fell far short of accomplishing everything that my parents did with me,  but they still turned out to be wonderful adults, and I couldn't love them more.
> 
> I took pictures , too, so now they can look back at the wonderful childhood pictures and remember the times we had,...



I would have written almost the exact same post, so I'll just quote you, HFL!!      I had wonderful parents and now I have wonderful kids.  I never felt like I "lived up to" my parents when raising my own children but they turned out great despite me.


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