# My daughter in law remarried and kept the grandkids from us from age 8.



## Kfowler62 (Apr 25, 2022)

She is now 19 and has a baby. She blames me for not being a part of her life. I tried to explain without accusing her mom. Every attempt I have made, she still looks at me as evil. I stepped back so she could have a normal life. My heart is broken. My mom is 95 and she won't even let her see the baby. She said family is thicker than blood. Any suggestions?


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## Bellbird (Apr 25, 2022)

I understand how you feel, I am in the same situation only she is my older daughter, I am now a g/grandmother but don't see them either. The me,me,me generations have a lot to answer for, it seems like your d/inlaw is one of them.  You have done your best, if she won't listen there is not much you can do about it.  Look at it this way, she is 19, at that age, she will know it all, still in her teens. !! Given time she may see things differently, it can happen.


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## Jeni (Apr 25, 2022)

Unfortunately this is becoming more common ..  people have falling out or feel awkward including ex- in laws in new life etc....

Children seldom see or hear what Really happened .... even as adults.... hopefully she will see there are 2 sides to every story....
Maybe It was not on purpose, maybe DIL expected you to stay in contact without any effort on her part to keep contact....... 
 Did you make efforts that were blocked ?

I know a person in similar situation....
.DIL told kid "oh they never tried" .... but the grandparents had ..returned b-day cards and letters  ... that showed it WAS not true and they could show they had tried.   DIL had to confess at that point it was her not them. 

it was very gracious to try to explain without accusing, since that  seems to be  the cause.   

I have had to clear up a family situation and find if all parties are together at time of discussion it goes better .... 
Most people find it harder to make false claims or stories ............ when everyone was in the room.....


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## Murrmurr (Apr 25, 2022)

"I tried to explain without accusing her mom."

At this point, what do you have to lose if you go ahead and put that all out on the table?


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## Sassycakes (Apr 26, 2022)

Is your son in the picture and if he is does he get to see them? My son divorced his wife years ago and won't talk to me anymore because I still talk to his exwife. I will never stop talking to her because she did a remarkable job raising my 2 grandsons on her own. He even moved to another state with the woman that he cheated with without telling me. He also stopped talking to my daughter for the same reason. He never answers his phone if any of us call him. I still love my DIL and respect her sadly I can't say the same for my Son. He broke my heart.


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## grahamg (Apr 28, 2022)

Kfowler62 said:


> She is now 19 and has a baby. She blames me for not being a part of her life. I tried to explain without accusing her mom. Every attempt I have made, she still looks at me as evil. I stepped back so she could have a normal life. My heart is broken. My mom is 95 and she won't even let her see the baby. She said family is thicker than blood. Any suggestions?


If I can I'll come back to you with a UK based group assisting grandparents in your situation, and though I doubt the situation is absolutely the same in the USA as here, the moral support they offer folks going through all this is very similar obviously.


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## Leann (Apr 28, 2022)

I have two daughters. The older one is estranged from the entire family and has been for a long while. She is married and has two children whom I have only seen a few times. It's painful so I know what you're going through @Kfowler62. I wish I had some good advice but I don't. I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## JonSR77 (Apr 28, 2022)

Kfowler62 said:


> She is now 19 and has a baby. She blames me for not being a part of her life. I tried to explain without accusing her mom. Every attempt I have made, she still looks at me as evil. I stepped back so she could have a normal life. My heart is broken. My mom is 95 and she won't even let her see the baby. She said family is thicker than blood. Any suggestions?



The only thing I can really suggest is formal family counseling. Hard to get people into that room, but if you do, it is likely to help.

Short of that, get into counseling yourself and then brainstorm with the counselor about steps to take that might help.

Maybe just get into counseling with the young mom. And, you know, let the therapist guide you about how to approach the delicate issues about her mom...

Also, generally, you might want to place your expectations, not on a fully resolved, perfect and wonderful relationship...but on small steps and incremental progress.

You know, start out small, just exchanging cards on birthdays and holidays. Let the relationship slowly re-build. Now that is my two cents...but a professional, obviously, knows much better. I was just suggesting that the path forward may include some very simple steps that are easy to accomplish.

Best of luck to you.


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## grahamg (Apr 29, 2022)

grahamg said:


> If I can I'll come back to you with a UK based group assisting grandparents in your situation, and though I doubt the situation is absolutely the same in the USA as here, the moral support they offer folks going through all this is very similar obviously.


As I say I'm not sure whether anyone from the USA can join a UK based support group, but there is quite a lot of discussion and information on the website in any event, and lots of people equally affected.

http://grandparentsapart.co.uk/

Quote:
"Grand Parents Apart UK (GAUK), is a group dedicated to help grandparents keep in touch with their grandchildren following divorce or separation of the children’s parents. Currently grandparents in the United Kingdom have no inherent legal right to see their grandchildren. GAUK was started in January 2001 by people from Bathgate and Glasgow and surrounding areas.

Grand Parents Apart UK can help grandparents who are denied contact, and with family problems like fall outs, and parents thinking of separating.

Our focus is on putting the children first and conflict second, and aim to help parents reduce legal costs, reduce the stress of separation and help reduce the pain for the whole family.

We believe that there is always an alternative to legal action and that we can help find solutions to suit all families."


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## Sassycakes (Apr 29, 2022)

I didn't notice if you said your son gets to see his children?


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## JustBonee (Apr 29, 2022)

I have only one question ....

Why   do some  people sign up on Senior Forum  with only   "Dear Abby"  problems  ??  .. (and usually never heard from again)
... Never a 'Hi', and how are you doing intro ...    
Is this how  they meet people in real life?  ... curious


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## Pink Biz (Apr 29, 2022)

Bonnie said:


> I have only one question ....
> 
> Why   do some  people sign up on Senior Forum  with only   "Dear Abby"  problems  ??  .. (and usually never heard from again)
> ... Never a 'Hi', and how are you doing intro ...
> Is this how  they meet people in real life?  ... curious


I think that most, if not all, of these sob stories are total rubbish. Why it's done is beyond me. What surprises me too is that many members are so quick to commiserate with and offer advice to these bullsh!tters!


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## Leann (Apr 29, 2022)

Pink Biz said:


> I think that most, if not all, of these sob stories are total rubbish. Why it's done is beyond me. What surprises me too is that many members are so quick to commiserate with and offer advice to these bullsh!tters!


Wow, that is a strong response. In my case, I was sharing what is truly going on in my life to let the OP know that others feel similar pain. I would take offense to your comment that "many members are so quick to commiserate with and offer advice to these BSer's" but then I felt sorry that you lack empathy.


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## SmoothSeas (Apr 29, 2022)

JonSR77 said:


> The only thing I can really suggest is formal family counseling. Hard to get people into that room, but if you do, it is likely to help.
> 
> Short of that, get into counseling yourself and then brainstorm with the counselor about steps to take that might help.
> 
> ...



sage advice...


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## JustBonee (Apr 29, 2022)

Leann said:


> Wow, that is a strong response. In my case, I was sharing what is truly going on in my life to let the OP know that others feel similar pain. I would take offense to your comment that "many members are so quick to commiserate with and offer advice to these BSer's" but then I felt sorry that you lack empathy.



But usually the OP disappears,      and  could care less what anyone has to say.


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## RadishRose (Apr 29, 2022)

Bonnie said:


> But usually the OP disappears,      and  could care less what anyone has to say.


I know what you mean @Bonnie and @Pink Biz. You are speaking of a *known type of poster* or member that comes in with a problem and is never heard from again. It is annoying, after we've sympathized.


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## grahamg (Apr 29, 2022)

Leann said:


> Wow, that is a strong response. In my case, I was sharing what is truly going on in my life to let the OP know that others feel similar pain. I would take offense to your comment that "many members are so quick to commiserate with and offer advice to these BSer's" but then I felt sorry that you lack empathy.


I wouldn't think its such a big deal if someone posts about something once and then leaves the forum, (why take offence, or consider their post untruthful automatically, unless it is suspected there is a "repeat offender" doing this, if you know what I mean,.., someone who could maybe be described as a "troll"?).


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## Pepper (Apr 30, 2022)

It's some young person, poaching a question off 'dear Abby' with the kind intent of keeping us alert and on our toes 

That way, we'll be less of a burden on society


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