# How do I leave my husband???



## Colleen (Jun 28, 2018)

We've been married 21 years. He's 77, I'm 71. We're both in excellent health...no issues at all (thank God) right now but I know the day will come for that. 

My husband has always depended on me for EVERYTHING!. He wants me to make all decisions in every area of our lives and I've done that for 21 years. I've made some mistakes in those decisions...I'm only human. It would take me too long to tell you what all those decisions were and I'm sure you don't want to be bored reading about them, so, suffice it to say....I'm exhausted and I resent him tremendously for it. His whole life has been that way...letting, and expecting, other people to make decisions for him.

I've also let him move me around the country from house to house that we've never paid off...and never will. When he does make a decision...there's no common sense to it and I'm too tired to even argue about it. We moved to AZ 4 years ago (his decision), and it's beautiful here and the weather is great, BUT there's nothing here. We live 20 miles from town, which has nothing to offer but hotels and fast-food restaurants (I-40 and Route 66 run through here). There's no shopping places except Wal-Mart but I haven't been in one in 5 years or so. There's nothing for us to do here. I've become a recluse. He hangs around the house all day...every day. We go to town once a week to get groceries...that's the extent of my socializing. The only people we see are his 2 grown kids on Sunday's. They moved from CA to be closer to him.

He's also said some very hurtful things to me the last 4 years, but the one that really soured me on him was when he said, "You're the biggest disappointment of my life." After everything I've done for him, especially when I nursed him at home when he was badly injured in a fall, instead of sending him to a rehab center. My mother was verbally abusive to me and my father and when he said that to me, it reminded me of what my mother use to say to me. 

I want to go back to PA. I know very well what the weather is like but weather isn't everything. I want to go alone. I want to live the rest of my life making decisions for myself. I feel stuck, though. I only have a small SS to live on and no car. I do know there is subsidized housing there and they have buses for seniors that they ride for free.

I'm not sure how to go about making the break. Do I see an attorney? Would he have to pay me since he has pension and SS?? It boggles my mind when I think about it. 

Any advice???


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## Happyflowerlady (Jun 28, 2018)

It sounds like you are going to be leaving most everything behind when you move, if you have no vehicle. I am assuming that right now, you are living on a combination of your SS and his SS and pension, and you should be able to file on his SS and have more than just what your own income from SS is, and possibly part of the retirement pension as well. 
You can just move out and then start the divorce proceedings later. 

There should be some kind of a senior legal service for low income people, and since you yourself are low income, I think that would be a good place to start. 
Look online for low income or senior legal help, call them, and see what they can advise.  It might be easier for you to stay in the same state until you get the divorce at least started; but you should be able to move elsewhere if you need to have a different address. 

Possibly a share-house might work for you temporarily. 
This is where someone rents out a bedroom of their house, with rights to use the kitchen, and usually the rest of the house, and you might not even need furniture for this. 
You pay the homeowner, and they pay all of the utilities, so you would not have to deal with deposits and all of the things you need to actually rent a house or apartment. 
You can look in your local paper and on craigslist for a place like this, and that would give you a base to work from while you sorted out everything you need to do to get moved and get a divorce.


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## treeguy64 (Jun 28, 2018)

Absolutely solid advice follows.  Paul Simon has it 100% correct:

The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
So I repeat myself, at the risk of being rude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, fifty ways to leave your lover
Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free

Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free
She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said, I appreciate that, then would you please explain about the fifty ways
She said, why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe, in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, fifty ways to leave your lover
Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free


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## RadishRose (Jun 28, 2018)

treeguy64 said:


> Absolutely solid advice follows.  Paul Simon has it 100% correct:



Tree guy, are you a mind reader? I was just singing that song to myself!


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## Colleen (Jun 28, 2018)

Happyflowerlady said:


> It sounds like you are going to be leaving most everything behind when you move, if you have no vehicle. I am assuming that right now, you are living on a combination of your SS and his SS and pension, and you should be able to file on his SS and have more than just what your own income from SS is, and possibly part of the retirement pension as well.
> You can just move out and then start the divorce proceedings later.
> 
> There should be some kind of a senior legal service for low income people, and since you yourself are low income, I think that would be a good place to start.
> ...



Thanks...good advice. I've been checking the area I want to go back to and have found some phone numbers to call. I wasn't sure where to start, but I think this is good information to start with


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## Colleen (Jun 28, 2018)

treeguy64 said:


> Absolutely solid advice follows.  Paul Simon has it 100% correct:
> 
> The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
> The answer is easy if you take it logically
> ...



Haha...in my younger days...that's exactly what I did do. Harder to do once you hit 70's


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## jujube (Jun 28, 2018)

Colleen, do _you_ have children who can help you?  Since he has adult children in the area, don't let him "guilt" you into staying on the basis that he needs you to take care of him.  His children can do that.  

I have nothing to add to the advice you've received from previous posters except to second the advice to seek legal counsel.


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## Lara (Jun 28, 2018)

Hi Colleen, chat with someone on the National Domestic Violence Hotline: *800-787-3224* to talk to an Advocate. They can tell you what to do first and where to find a shelter for abused women in PA and other resources.

Or go to the* National Domestic Violence Hotline Website: *http://www.thehotline.org 
Computers can be monitored and impossible to completely clear. If you think your computer will be compromised, you can call *800-799-7233
*
Remember that* "violence" doesn't necessarily mean only physical abuse*. He's a user, controller, and emotional abuser.

Is the house in your name or both names? If it's just your name then you can tell HIM to leave and you can live in the house for a year until the divorce is final, then call a realtor to help you sell it, and move to PA using the profit. Buy a car with the profit. Pull a u-haul behind you with whatever you can't bear to leave behind. 

Drive to a shelter in PA (some shelters are specifically for abused women) and ask them to help you find the resources available for your situation. The Hotline I gave you above can help you with that.

If he doesn't leave, and you feel you're in danger, you can call the police and get a restraining order.

Why PA? Do you have family or friends there?


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## Colleen (Jun 28, 2018)

jujube said:


> Colleen, do _you_ have children who can help you?  Since he has adult children in the area, don't let him "guilt" you into staying on the basis that he needs you to take care of him.  His children can do that.
> 
> I have nothing to add to the advice you've received from previous posters except to second the advice to seek legal counsel.



Legal counsel is my top priority since finances will be a major issue with me. However, I felt better when I found out I would be eligible for Section 8 housing and free transportation among other benefits. I need to get my ducks in a row


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## Colleen (Jun 28, 2018)

Lara said:


> Hi Colleen, chat with someone on this Hotline website. Or you can call *800-787-3224* to talk to an Advocate. They can tell you what to do first and where to find a shelter for women in PA and other resources.
> *
> National Domestic Violence Hotline: *http://www.thehotline.org
> Computers can be monitored and impossible to completely clear. If you think your computer will be compromised, you can call *800-799-7233
> ...



Thanks so much for the info. I will make note of it.

The house is both our names and that's something I would need to ask an attorney. The car is in my name but it's new and I wouldn't be able to afford the payments. 

Why PA?....I lived there from 1975-1997. Then we moved back in 2008 and lived there for another 6 years. It feels more like my home than my hometown I was raised in, which I left in 1975 to go to PA. I have friends in PA and I know what the town offers in housing, senior activities, shopping areas, etc. It's actually more affordable than here in AZ.


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## Lara (Jun 28, 2018)

I understand. I used to live in PA too and, it's funny, I feel that out of all the places I've ever lived (many), Bucks County is where I feel most at home. But now it would be too far from my family.

When you talk to the Advocate on the hotline she may steer you to where you might qualify for free legal counsel considering your situation. Most attorneys offer a free 15 minute phone conversation for quick questions and answers. Ask first.

I was going to tell you what to do about the car but I'll refrain because I'm not a divorce lawyer


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## RadishRose (Jun 28, 2018)

Colleen, 21 years is a long time. At our age, you may be surprised at how you may feel after the dust settles and you're alone.

I seem to recall you and your son are somewhat estranged, that he was never helpful to you.   https://www.seniorforums.com/showthread.php/35839-Flowers-from-my-son-that-went-in-the-garbage-

That's so sad and I just hope you don't find yourself afraid and totally alone if you do leave. I wish you the best. 

You deserve to be happy.


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## Colleen (Jun 28, 2018)

RadishRose said:


> Colleen, 21 years is a long time. At our age, you may be surprised at how you may feel after the dust settles and you're alone.
> 
> I seem to recall you and your son are somewhat estranged, that he was never helpful to you.   https://www.seniorforums.com/showthread.php/35839-Flowers-from-my-son-that-went-in-the-garbage-
> 
> ...



Yes, it is sad that my son has chosen to not be a son to me, but that's his choice. He'll have to deal with that at some time in his life. In the meantime, I need to get on my own before it's too late and I'm too old or sick or whatever to enjoy what's left of my life. I'm not looking forward to the confrontation with him to tell him my decision. I've put it off for a long time. He's not a bad man. He's let me have anything I want. I could have taken all his money and run a long time ago like other women before me have done, but that's not me. I've always come out on the short end of the stick in other relationships. I'm just tired of living with someone that has no clue about anything and doesn't want to have a clue. I see why other women before me have left him or kicked him out. I'm sure they were tired of having to make every decision, too.


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## gennie (Jun 28, 2018)

If you only have joint credit cards or ones in his name, get one in your name only


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## Colleen (Jun 28, 2018)

gennie said:


> If you only have joint credit cards or ones in his name, get one in your name only



Thanks! Never thought about it...good idea.


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## Shalimar (Jun 28, 2018)

Colleen, I applaud your strength. While not downplaying the difficulties incurred, I do believe that in the long run you will be much happier without an emotional albatross around your neck. He is an abusive perennial child who is dragging you down. I have  a 

client in her late seventies who divorced her husband of over fifty years over similar concerns. After a period of adjustment, she is happier than she has been since her teens. She is finally free to live an authentic life. Thinner, fitter, taking free classes at a nearby college. She has become a peer counselor to others facing major life changes.


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## Falcon (Jun 28, 2018)

Colleen,  Give a lot of thought  to what  Shalimar  has  posted  (above).  Happiness  seems to be there.  :heart:


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## hearlady (Jun 28, 2018)

Colleen, what about leaving him but not AZ at this time?
I know you want a clean break but it may be easier to handle legal and other issues when you are not across the country but maybe in a better part of the state. I mean where there is more to do and access to things while you make a thought out plan.
Maybe move to PA in a year?
Just a thought.


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## SeaBreeze (Jun 29, 2018)

Colleen, I agree with Happyflowerlady that you need to seek legal advice on your particular situation.  Sorry, I have no advice for you except to follow your heart and leave as soon as you can after thinking it all out, getting legal advice and making sure you'll be able to live out the rest of your life independently and not be burdened financially.

  Best of luck to you, I would want to get away also.  Here's a site with a number where you might be able to get free or low cost legal advice, if they can't help perhaps they can direct you to someone in your area who can.  Website here.  



> Working in collaboration with the Arizona Senior Citizens Law  Project, the Area Agency provides legal assistance to low-income seniors  age 60 and older. In addition, our own in-house staff attorney can  provide legal information and referral services to clients and legal  assistance to staff.
> 
> Clients can meet with a licensed attorney, have documents reviewed,  receive information and referral or advocacy services and be assured of  confidentiality. If clients require further legal representation, the  Agency’s staff attorney refers them to the Arizona Senior Citizens Law  Project or to private attorneys with expertise in the specific legal  area.
> 
> ...


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## Colleen (Jun 29, 2018)

Thanks everyone. Great information and I'm looking into the legal counsel here in AZ.


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## applecruncher (Jun 29, 2018)

Just wanted to wish you the best, Colleen.  Stay strong.


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## Butterfly (Jun 29, 2018)

Colleen said:


> Thanks so much for the info. I will make note of it.
> 
> The house is both our names and that's something I would need to ask an attorney. The car is in my name but it's new and I wouldn't be able to afford the payments.
> 
> Why PA?....I lived there from 1975-1997. Then we moved back in 2008 and lived there for another 6 years. It feels more like my home than my hometown I was raised in, which I left in 1975 to go to PA. I have friends in PA and I know what the town offers in housing, senior activities, shopping areas, etc. It's actually more affordable than here in AZ.



According to the internet, Arizona is a community property state (as is New Mexico where I live):

*"Arizona* is a *community property state* and *community property* law controls the division of all assets of your marital estate. ... Unless the presumption of *community property* can be overcome, all *property* acquired during the marriage is to be divided equally upon divorce of the parties.

[h=3]What is Community Property Law in Arizona and Why Does it Matter ...[/h]www.jaburgwilk.com/.../what-exactly-is-community-property-law-in-arizona-and-why-..."


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## Butterfly (Jun 29, 2018)

I would add that in community property states, the principle applies to debt, as well.


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## Colleen (Jun 29, 2018)

Butterfly said:


> According to the internet, Arizona is a community property state (as is New Mexico where I live):
> 
> *"Arizona* is a *community property state* and *community property* law controls the division of all assets of your marital estate. ... Unless the presumption of *community property* can be overcome, all *property* acquired during the marriage is to be divided equally upon divorce of the parties.
> 
> ...



I was just reading about that on the senior law site for Mohave County where I live.


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## caseyjshu (Jun 29, 2018)

I have a different view to to add. I hate seeing people split up after so long together. I wish you guys could get counseling or something, apologize to each other and focus on why you to came together to begin with. One of you or both will be devastated after this happens. This is a late time in life to begin starting over.


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## moviequeen1 (Jun 29, 2018)

HI Colleen,I agree with what 'applecruncher' had to say.I'll be keeping you in my nightly prayers Sue


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## KingsX (Jun 30, 2018)

.

I divorced my abusive husband 43 years ago 
[after three years in a dreadful marriage]
and have been blissfully single ever since.


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## fmdog44 (Jun 30, 2018)

treeguy64 said:


> Absolutely solid advice follows.  Paul Simon has it 100% correct:
> 
> The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
> The answer is easy if you take it logically
> ...



Not cool to offer up "advice" in the form of a song.


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## fmdog44 (Jun 30, 2018)

Colleen said:


> We've been married 21 years. He's 77, I'm 71. We're both in excellent health...no issues at all (thank God) right now but I know the day will come for that.
> 
> My husband has always depended on me for EVERYTHING!. He wants me to make all decisions in every area of our lives and I've done that for 21 years. I've made some mistakes in those decisions...I'm only human. It would take me too long to tell you what all those decisions were and I'm sure you don't want to be bored reading about them, so, suffice it to say....I'm exhausted and I resent him tremendously for it. His whole life has been that way...letting, and expecting, other people to make decisions for him.
> 
> ...



If you are unhappy then make changes. It amy not be easy but it will be worth your while. Take your time and come up with a plan and stick to it. Don't operate on emotion rather, calculate your future as you would a budget. Make the years before you good years* no - matter - what*. Good luck


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## 911 (Jul 1, 2018)

If my wife would have told me that I was her biggest disappointment, I would have packed up and been gone, with or without a car. An adult can walk away any time they like. 

I have a few friends around here and there and a few relatives here and there that I could have stayed with until I figured things out.


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## treeguy64 (Jul 7, 2018)

fmdog44 said:


> Not cool to offer up "advice" in the form of a song.


Who appointed you to be arbiter of posting etiquette, in here? I'll post what I want. The song offers valid advice.


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## kburra (Jul 7, 2018)

Colleen`s post obvious a call for help,and all you can do is post the Lyrics to song,hardly helpful and insensitive also to such a serious dilemma/question.


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## kburra (Jul 7, 2018)

fmdog44 said:


> Not cool to offer up "advice" in the form of a song.




Well said fmdog44 fully concur!!
[h=5][/h]


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## treeguy64 (Jul 7, 2018)

The song is dead on the money, and the advice is sound.  Just because Simon put his advice in lyric form does not mean it cannot be helpful.  Of course I could have offered the same, exact advice in a Dear Abby format, but it was quicker to cut and paste.  If you don't like it, big deal!  Perhaps you never pay any attention to lyrics.  As a working musician for thirty years, I certainly did, and still do.


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## Olivia (Jul 7, 2018)

A lot of songs have very good messages.


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## hollydolly (Jul 7, 2018)

Good luck Colleen , I know only too well what a difficult situation you're in and facing, but hopefully, you'll have the strength and the ability to go and make a good life for yourself. Emotional well being is key!!


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## Catlady (Jul 15, 2018)

Have not read the whole thread, so I may be repeating other's advice.  Whatever you do, the FIRST thing you need to do is consult a lawyer to find out what your rights are and how to go about leaving him.  Then take it from there.  And I add, if you are miserable in the marriage leaving him is the best thing you can possibly do.  Peace and happiness is priceless.


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## 911 (Jul 15, 2018)

Sorry, I haven’t read all of the posts, so some or all of what I write may be a bit redundant. I would suggest that you seek the advice from an Elder Attorney. They can put you on the straight and narrow.

It sounds like your mind is made up, so I won’t give you any advice or stories that may only confuse your already made up mind. Your choice is your choice. 

I remember when we had a case where a senior couple had lived together for 30+ years. The woman had taken much physical abuse that she tolerated early in their relationship and then that turned into emotional and verbal abuse later in their relationship. As she put it, “The old boy got too old to whip me anymore, so he turned into being just plain hateful.” Or, something to that affect.

She finally shot him, but luckily did not kill him. My point is that I would rather see you leave, rather than turn to violence. 

Then, there was a case in Vermont (I believe) where a man hosted a local TV show on public TV. I think his last name was Billis or something like that. Anyway, she had tolerated all of his griping and bad-mouth at her long enough, so that one day on the way home from the TV station, he was his usual miserable self to her when she saw this lone tree along the road. She intentionally ran the car’s side that he was sitting in into the tree and killed him. Google it. I’m sure it has to be there.


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## Falcon (Jul 15, 2018)

A popular  defense  in some  peoples'  eyes   is:   " He  needed   killin'."


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