# Memories of my challenging life-good, bad, and whatever, lol



## Aneeda72 (Mar 8, 2019)

I was 68 the last time I saw my mother.  I don't plan on seeing her again.  She is now 94.  I told her I would never come back.  I promised myself I would never go back.  I promised my children I would never go back.  Why, then, am I thinking of going back to see that nightmare of a human being?  I ask myself.

I read K's entire post.  I think I understand completely why she goes back; or maybe not.  We each have our own particular reasons.  We each want a closure we will never get.

I never went to see my mother without my brother and sister-in-law there.  It was safer this way.  My mother loved my brother, depended on my brother, and mostly behaves when my brother is around.  This time was different.  This time they were on vacation.  But, ok, I am an adult.  I'll be with my husband.  I can do this.

She sandbagged me.

She had been in her go to Jesus mode for a while.  (No insult meant to anyone, her craziness in this matter is hers alone.). She was going to confess how she wronged me.  What she did.   I would forgive her.  I HAD to forgive.  If I didn't forgive her I wasn't Christian.   

Well, hmm.  Convenient for her, that my brother and his wife weren't there to hear this great confession.  Just me, mom, my husband, and whatever deity she was counting on.

I am Catholic.  She knows I am Catholic.  Pretty sure that's a Christian religion.  In fact, IMO, she is seeking forgiveness in the wrong place.  She should seek it from whatever deity she feels is going to pass judgement on her, and that's not going to be me.  I don't control the gates of heaven or hell.

She starts out by saying that she never kicked me out of the house when I was 17.  She knows I am angry about that still.  She knows I hate her for that.  But she didn't do it.  She never made me homeless in 1964 in California.  When, by the way, there were two active serial killers in the area at that time.

I am puzzled, lol.  Why is she asking my forgiveness for something she never did?  She is, however, sorry for the other time she kicked me out.  What?  How many times did she kick me out that I don't remember.   And I HAVE to forgive her.

Actually, I don't.

I started school at 4.  I graduated at 17.  She planned a trip for me to Los Angeles to see my grandmother for two weeks.  I was packed, ready to catch the bus, walking out the door.  She told me not to come back.  What?  Do not come back.  You do not live here anymore.  And out I go.

Later she says she thought my grandmother would keep me.  What?  My grandmother worked as a childhood nurse/caretaker of two small children.  It was a live in job.  My mother knew this.  No way could I stay past two weeks with her.

Then mother says she thought my father, who lived in Los Angeles would take me.  What?  She knew my father had married the woman he was seeing during his marriage to her.  (No big deal folks, after all mom later married the man she was seeing while they were married.). It was a complex life.

Just what my father's new wife hoped for, a 17 year old step-daughter to move in.  Yup, not a chance.  I did, however, meet my two year old half sister.  Drop dead gorgeous little girl.  All his daughters were born with blonde hair which turned brown or black around five.  Me as well.

Course his wife was pregnant again.  My new half brother would be born right before I left for basic training. Since this was dad's fourth marriage, I also had two other step mothers and each of those mothers had a daughter.  And each of those daughters was severly abused by their respective mothers.  Dad liked cruel woman.  Dad didn't want daughters.

My time was up at grandmothers.  I couldn't go home-didn't know why at this point in time.  Figured it out years later when I was reading a magazine article.  Duh me.  What divorced woman wants a 17 year old daughter hanging around her boyfriend?  Mine didn't.

Couldn't live with dad.  It was three months before I was to join the army.  I had to be 18.  The street it was.

Except, for the first time in his life, dad came through.  He spoke to the commander at the Los Angeles Salvation Army Home for women  (You can google info on this place.).  If I showed the commander my enlistment papers, he would make an exception and I could live there.  And I did.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 8, 2019)

The home was great.  I shared a room with a 26 year old woman.  We each had our own bed, dresser, and closet.  There was a Jack and Jill bathroom, shared with the room next door.  I got a job as a typist working at a large insurance company in downtown LA.  Not far from where I lived.  I made a little over 160 a month.

I walked the couple miles back and forth to work.  It was pitch black and one day the bus driver stopped, opened his door, and said it was not safe to walk.  (Remember, serial killers, gang members, etc).  Get on the bus.  Unfortunately, the bus cost a quarter.  I didn't have a quarter.  I explained this.  He said get on the bus, plenty of room.  Everyday for, hmm, four months or so he gave me a free ride to work.

The rent at the home was 80 dollars every two weeks as I remember.  Although it was long ago so my numbers could be wrong.  Breakfast and dinner was included.  I never had lunch.  I never had the money for lunch.  Still, it was great.  After I had been there six weeks, mom and her new husband showed up.  She only visited that one time.

And now, four years ago-about 2014, she wanted me to forgive her for something she refused to acknowledge.  But she wasn't done.  Oh, no. not by a long shot.  I was sitting on her sofa.  She was sitting in a chair.  She left the chair, came and sat beside me, raised her hand up in the air to, well, testify.  Lord love a duck, the drama of it all.

My husband watched in silence.

You are right she says.  I did beat you.

My entire life, I had waited my entire life to hear that acknowledgment.  Honestly, for a brief second or two I thought I should raise my hands in the air, shout hallelujah, and praise the lord.  (No insult to anyone.  As a child grandmother took me to many a revival meeting.  Great stuff.). But good sense prevailed.  Just as well, the witch wasn't done.

(By the time I was 7 years old she took my dad's thick leather belt, raised it over her head, and brought it down full strength on my back,  from the bottom of my shoulder blades to the top of my knees.  She beat me like that until I was 17.  She had me lay on my bed and went to town.  Bleeding raised welts adored my body.  Occasionally she hit me with the buckle.

If I cried, and in the beginning I cried, she drew a bath of scalding hot water and set me in it.  I had to stay there until it cooled.  I learned quickly not to cry.  Ever.  There were other objects, of course.  Rulers, hair brushes, dog leash, whatever came to hand.)

It's 2014, and she continues.  I beat you on your butt.  No, no that's not true.  She looks at my husband.  I beat you on your back down to your knees.

OMG, I thought.  She's going to do it.  She is going to apologize.  Closure at last.  Yup, and pigs do fly.

Cause she took a breathe and said, "I am not sorry I did it.  You had a smart mouth."  What?  Then she said "And I tried to put you up for adoption when you were two, but the orphanage wouldn't take you."  (I mumbled softly to myself, "I so wish you had.")  I am in real physical pain.  My chest hurts.  I'm going into shock.  I need to leave.  I stand up, as does my husband.

Oh, but she is not finished.  Then she says it is my fault she's lead a miserable life.  If she hadn't had me, she could have divorced my father.  She couldn't take care of two kids by herself.  (Of course, she was keeping my brother.). Yup.  It felt like someone had stuck me with a spear straight to the heart.  I am leaving, I say.

She rushes up to my husband.  Tells him how great he is.  How much she loves him.  Blah, blah blah.  He turned sheet white.  He knows, I know, he's not a nice guy.  He's embarrassed.  Lol.  A disabled viet nam vet with PTSD.  Yup, mom, nailed that one.

I tell her I'm leaving.  I tell her I am never coming back.  She asked if I am taking her to the mall tomorrow.  Nope.  I am going home.  And I did.

I tell my brother, who wants to know why I didn't take mom to the mall to ask her.  He doesn't.  I stopped speaking to him for four years until last year when his wife became very ill.  We talk occasionally now. I forgave him long ago for what he did to me, the way he treated me.  It seemed a fair thing to do.


----------



## Keesha (Mar 8, 2019)

You want closure. It’s your mom and to this day you still can’t believe she did this to you. 
You are hoping that someday somehow she’s going to have an epiphany and realize how wrong she was and what a beautiful person you are. It’s called VALIDATION!
You want the person who caused you this pain to admit it. 

If she was a narcissistic person and still is it will never happen. 

Ive wanted to update my thread in regards to my parents but have so much to say I need a full day. Lol
Ive been helping them live in their own home and it’s very difficult. Both of them play all kinds of headgames STILL and never pay us the money we spend on them. It’s tough!

Ive had a lot of flashbacks and bad memories creeping back. My brother helps keep me grounded. He knows what happened is true and protects me and so does my husband. 

Last month I had a serious conversation with her where I brought up the vicious abuse and the fact that I was used as the family scapegoat. I told her that since she doesn’t understand what love is that she doesn’t understand forgiveness and that forgiveness is a big part of loving. She completely agreed. A lot of things were said but it was said in a controlled compassionate way which she accepted. She looked ready to cry. 

I wanted to talk to her before Dementia takes over and the conversation only lasted about 20 minutes. My dad was yelling and screaming in the background. He was definitely trying to stop me from talking but it didn’t. I kept talking until I was finished and I felt great. When I left I said don’t worry you probably won’t remember and she looked at me and said after all I’ve said how could she forget. It seemed like it went well. 

The last time I saw her I told her about my best friend selling her house to get a new one so her parents can move in with them. She looked at me and said don’t think we are going to do that. She wondered who would kill who first. 

Soooo I’m not sure how much she actually understood but I’m coming to realize that I probably won’t ever get the closure I want or the validation. It’s never going to happen BUT what HAS happened is that I NOW have the best relationship with my brother that I’ve ever had in my lifetime . We see each other often. Get along great. Trust each other and share things. 

At one point in time I may have turned my back and walked away but now I feel compelled to stay and help cause he can’t do this all on his own. 

I wish I could tell you something that will help but I doubt that I can. While helping my parents I’ve had to get counselling. It’s THAT difficult. 

My heart goes out to you. Good luck in whatever you choose to do.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 8, 2019)

Yes, I wanted closure.  Yes, I wanted her to say she was sorry, or some form of sorry.  But I also wanted her to acknowledge the abuse and she did.  I suppose one out of three is what I'll have to accept.  She does not have dementia.  I don't know what her mental health diagnosis would be and I don't care.

I don't and won't have a relationship with my brother.  We will keep in contact every now and then, because I will call him now and then.  He was never abused by them.  He was allowed total freedom and spendt most of his time with the family across the street who had three sons.  He was more their son than ours.  I doubt he realizes this.

He also claims to remember very little of his/our childhood.  I believe him.  He spendt very little time at home.  He hated our dad.  He was mom's boy.  But our dad was a Jekyll-Hyde kind of guy when I knew him.  Although later, with his subsequent families he became all bad.  (Lol, can't remember which one of them was the bad guy.)

They live many states away from me.  Mom's says her will leaves us everything equally.  Whatever she has is to be sold and equally divided.  But I know my brother too well and this will not happen.  He has already stated his daughter should have her jewelry.  Ok.  Then he pointed out he purchased several things for her.  Ok.

Then he mentioned he kept a record of every dime he has spendt on her.  Ok.  Lol, dude just say you feel entitled to her bits and pieces.  I agree.  Besides I want NOTHING from her.  What I wanted she was incapable of giving.  I asked her to leave everything to my brother, she refused.

To make it easier for my brother, I have emailed him several times saying, he can keep it all.  There are some pictures of me I'd like, but hey, if he wants to keep them he can have them too.  My agenda is different from yours.  There is no house, no land.  She sold both long ago.

I don't have your anger, Keesha.  I don't have your resentments.  I am not sure I know what form your abuse took, as I think you generalize your situation.  Which is fine.  My memories of certain situations are very clear, others not so much.  I have many terrible memories, mostly concerning mom.  One horrific memory concerning dad.

This is the problem with child abuse.  It takes many forms.  Everyone reacts to it differently, but all are wounded.  I'm glad you have a better relationship with your brother.  I echo what others have said.  It may not be what you think it is.


----------



## Keesha (Mar 8, 2019)

For myself I thought I was fine. I’d done so much self reflection , had plenty of counselling , done meditation , and read plenty of self help books from the great gurus; Marianne Williamson, Wayne Dyer, Depak Chopra, Louise hay, Byron Katie . I had a stress free life so I just let it all go. The easy thing was that I had broken all contact with family for eight years and I not only was fine, i flourished. These DVD’s and books really helped a lot. 

Its only since helping them again that I have felt like I’ve need help. 
Its a difficult thing to deal with because you can’t open up and talk freely to other friends or family. It’s too sensitive a subject to bring up which is why speaking to a councillor is great. They don’t know you personally which can be very liberating to the soul. It’s very freeing to be able to speak to someone and not worry about hurting anyone’s feelings or feeling guilty about how you feel. You probably have some free councilling available by phone if you ever wanted to decompress . 
Sometimes decompressing is needed but you need a safe place to do it. 

Another thing I did a lot of was write letters to my parents that I never sent. Many of them were hand written. I’d gather them up and put them in the fireplace on our property out back. I’ve read this method in many books but had never find it and have to say it IS liberating. Maybe you might decide to send them. 

Or you might decide to have that talk with your mother and tell her exactly how you feel. 
If your mom is 94 there’s a really good chance that she won’t remember. While I did bring up the subject of abuse to my mother I made sure to cushion the conversation with a lot of love and praise for the good points  I did get from the relationship with her ( them ). She’s 85 years old. If her mind was warped years ago and she’s had no help whatsoever, the chance of her changing or even understanding the depth of pain she’s caused is probably impossible for her. 

Another thing that really helped me was remembering that others have had it worst than me. 
Some people went from home to home. I met someone who had lived in 54 different homes and been to 71 different schools. 
Hes a beautiful man but a broken one and it’s very sad. I met a women who’s brother killed 4 of their neighbours. I met someone who lost their entire family all at once. 

Journaling - Writing down how you feel like you are doing here in this diary is a good idea. 
Painting- I did a LOT of painting 
Woodcarving - I carved a lot of things out of different types of wood
Music- I sing and play an instrument 

Finding a creative outlet can really help 
Write poetry 
Write a book 
Write a song 

We don’t always get closure from the people we need it from but we can create other ways of expressing our pent up frustration and they will help you decompress


----------



## Keesha (Mar 8, 2019)

Aneeda72 said:


> Yes, I wanted closure.  Yes, I wanted her to say she was sorry, or some form of sorry.  But I also wanted her to acknowledge the abuse and she did.  I suppose one out of three is what I'll have to accept.  She does not have dementia.  I don't know what her mental health diagnosis would be and I don't care.
> 
> I don't and won't have a relationship with my brother.  We will keep in contact every now and then, because I will call him now and then.  He was never abused by them.  He was allowed total freedom and spendt most of his time with the family across the street who had three sons.  He was more their son than ours.  I doubt he realizes this.
> 
> ...



Oh! 
Yes I generalized my situation because I don’t think it’s suitable or appropriate to post the type of abuse I endured on an open forum. Most of my memories are very clear still but some parts are compartmentalized and will probably stay that way. That’s the brains natural way of dealing with things it can’t handle. ( that’s a hard one to explain nor will I even try )
Some things  I wish I could start forgetting. 
I’m certainly not about to compare abuse with you. 
I’m here in your thread trying to offer you a helping hand. 
I don’t particularly care about the inheritance either 
In fact this would be FAR FAR easier to just walk away from 
I have no idea why you’d want to even plant the idea that my brother had bad intentions after what I’ve just said. 

WOW!
Just wow! 
Why do I even bother trying to help ???:shrug:


----------



## Keesha (Mar 8, 2019)

And I no longer have the anger like I had. The thread you read was started almost one year ago. 
Many things have changed since then and many things have happened since then that I haven’t spoken about 

If you don’t have any anger or resentments then what are your first two posts about?
What are you expressing? 
Which emotion are you trying to express?

Ive read quite a few posts mentioning the abuse you’ve had from your parents and it doesn’t come across as lovingly. 
Sorry BUT if you are going to talk about feeling with me then we need to get more specific.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 8, 2019)

I wasn't planting an idea that your brother had bad intentions, at least I don't think that's what I said.  I think I was echoing some concerns that I saw expressed in your other post.  In fact, I said I was glad you had an improved relationship with your brother.  

I actually understand about compartmentalizations in the brain.  Many of the kids I fostered had muliple personalities.  No need to explain but thanks.

I wasn't wanting to "compare" abuse.  Abuse, like pain, cannot be compared.  I even remarked that generalizations were fine.  But I am being more specific, because I want to remember every bit of it.  By remembering every bit, I can deal with it better.  We are different people, we deal with things differently.

I seriously don't know what you mean by trying to "help".  I don't understand what you are upset about.  Since we can't compare abuse, we can't compare parents either.  I know my parents backgrounds.  Yeah, their life was rough.  That in no way excuses their actions toward me.

In my dad's situation, he abused 10 children.  I received a lot of information from an older half sister, the first female child of my father's.  Sadly, although she had a very good life and never actually lived with our father, she is quite embittered.  She also escaped her mother's abuse.  Raised by loving relatives.  She has become a little afraid that people want her money.  Lol.

My second older half sister died last year.  She had a very hard life and at fifteen came to live with us.  Her story is a sad one. I can't compare myself to them, let alone to you.  The younger half sister I met when I was 19 and she was two; and the newborn half brother I met at two days old probably had the worst, most abusive lives of all.  And strange, very strange.

His fifth marriage was to a girl one year older than me.  Their child died in womb.  His sixth marriage, hmm, 4 or 5 children.  I had limited contact with them, and never met them in person.  So you see, nothing in common but an abusive childhood.  I don't think we can "help" each other.  As for dad. He's dead, kept in a box in his last wife's garage.  A fitting place.

Well, bedtime for me.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Mar 8, 2019)

Aneeda, you've been through so much, you're very strong to have gotten through all that in your younger days.  When I read stories like this, I realize how blessed I was never to have suffered any abuse from either of my parents.  My heart goes out to all here who have had difficult childhoods that affect them their entire lives.


----------



## Keesha (Mar 8, 2019)

I’m sorry Aneeda. The last sentence really got to me. 
Ive really worked so hard at this relationship and it hurts to think that my brother might have other intentions which is what some other people stated in my thread. The only other family member I have. 

After that your entire post was coloured. 

I spent my entire life wondering why my parents stayed together but I can’t imagine my dad having 10 wives either or having step sisters.   And no you weren’t asking for help so I’m not sure why I felt the need to write down some things I did when I went through my torment. 

While reading your posts I could sense your frustration or perhaps I just imagined that. 
You said you were kicked out of the house when you were 17 and that she knows you are still angry about that. Several other sentences you talk about your anger. Then you say you don’t have the same anger as me so it’s a bit confusing to me. 

Im ok now I expressed my feelings to you honestly 
Thank you


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 9, 2019)

Keesha, the problem is my "story" is going back and forth between several time lines and I am by no means a professional writer.  The story does get a bit confusing and will remain so.  I am also mentioning her feelings and my feelings in various time lines.   Also the feelings that she tries to impose on me so.

I do mention that "I hated her" because she felt that I hated her.  I don't remember hating her, but I accept that she might be right.  I was 17.  On the other hand, my feelings were very muted for years.  At the age of 68, I didn't hate her.  I was deeply hurt my her words, which was what she in

I might misstate something by accident.  For that I apologize.  My family was extremely complex and at one time or another I knew most of them.  Dad had 6 wives that we know of.  Perhaps 7.  There were 10 children that I am aware of, but my older sister thinks since there were more wives there were more children.

At this time, my main feeling is the frustration I have with this whole situation!  I think this is a feeling we both might share.  Although, you help your parents in a great many ways I do not and would not.  My brother and his wife help my mother a lot, not in person so much but setting up programs etc.  Although they are there in person when needed.  She lives quite close to them.

Her grandchildren, my brother's children have very little interaction with her so I am torn.  Had she chosen to live next to us, I would have hated it, no doubt about that, but like any sibling I am jealous she chose, once again, my brother.  Whenever, there was a choice to be made, she choose him.  Age apparently doesn't make sibling jealousy improve.  Lol.

Add that to the fact that my brother had permission to "beat" me anytime he wanted.  He did.  He was a child.  He did not know any better and would do anything to please my mom.  A few decades back he called and apologized for his behavior.  He was fully forgiven.  But we were never close, never would be, and never will be close.

When I was 17, my mother knocked me down to floor and got dad's belt which she kept after the divorce.  They divorced when I was 15.  She tried to beat me with the belt, I tried to crawl away.  Finally, I found my voice and screamed at her not to hit me.  Surprised, she paused and at that point my brother walked into the house.

She handed the belt and told him to him to beat me with it.  He refused.  He was 17.  He was becoming aware that the way I was treated was wrong.  This probably was the beginning of the end of my childhood life with her.  This little bit of loss of control over me.  I was an extremely compliant child and teenager.  The beatings, the fear of the beatings kept me so.

Until that one point in time.  I hadn't made this connection until just now.  Wow, this is going to be helpful!  

Its funny odd because while my brother spendt as little time as possible with our dad, he picked up a great deal of his traits.  Once, in front of my husband and my self, he told his wife to shut up.  I had noticed for several years he wasn't a nice guy.  Also, on a particular long visit, both his children came up to me concerned about what they would do "with them" in their later years.

These children will be in the same position, to an extent, that we are now.  Taking care of parents that they don't particularly care for.  My brother has already complained to me, on a rare phone, that they rarely help them.  I am so reminded of a old song that's says " he's grown up just like me".  A reference to a parent that worked too much and wasn't there.

The situation amuses me.  These children were raised in a, hmm, high income bracket home.  Given all the advantages.  While my children were raised somewhat poor and in some years lucky to have food and clothing with no "advantages" except a mother that would do anything for them.

I remember the day we got our seven eleven credit card in the mail.  YAY!  Finally a way to buy milk when we had no money.  Good times, lol.  My son is always saying how great a mother I was (and am) and acknowledges that he knows I made many sacrifices for them.  My daughter not so much.  LMAO.

Both my children are "on call" adults.  We call, they arrange to come and help.  Mostly my son since my daughter's daughter and granddaughter live with her and she and my son in law work full time.  But my son works two jobs, has children, and grandchildren; and has a very busy social life.  It is hard being the "sandwich" generation.  I am sure.

Anyway, Keesha, I hope this has "cleared the air" between us.  Always feel free to question whatever I write.  Same goes for anyone else.  I do get confused.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 9, 2019)

Thanks SeaBreeze.

My children always say I am a strong woman.  I might prefer they substitute "smart" for "strong" or incredible beautiful, LOL.  Oh, well.  One of my teenage grand daughters said she loved me in spite of the wrinkles.  Gee, thanks , I think.

I was so touched by Keesha's story on the forum, despite some negative responses from some members.  I recognized her courage in writing it.  After some (little, lol) thought, it gave me courage to write this.  Perhaps our stories can help others on the forum dealing with these issues in silence, but suffering none the less.

Anyone who escapes childhood abuse, has good parents, and grows up whole is so blessed.  It warms my heart that you realize your good fortune.  Strangely, a lot of people don't.  I was lucky to have a decent grandmother so I realized not every adult was terrible.  Although, she never lifted a hand to stop the abuse.  She loved her son, my dad, a great deal.

My interactions with a therapist have been much less than Keesha's have been.  I first saw one about three years ago in connection with dealing with my husband's PTSD.  Only had about 4 visits.

The therapist actually wanted me to write about my life on a previous forum I was on.  I recently quit that forum and now I'm here.  I feel very lucky to have found you all.  But, if you find my story too hard to read, please don't read it.  I don't mean to cause others pain or open old wounds.  In my own way, I am trying to find peace.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 12, 2019)

When I look back dad was an interresting guy, and not nearly as abusive (until later) as his wives.  Sometimes he was horrible, other times great.  You never knew which you were getting.

1.  His first wife had a daughter-my first half sister.  They divorced.  He never contacted her or his daughter again.  This child, my oldest sister, remembers going to court with her mother against him.  On the way out of court, dad stepped on her big toe.  She talks about this a great deal, dad and her toe.

It seems to be the only memory she has of him, and she is fixated on it.  She seems greatly embittered by his abandonment of her; and resentful when I try and tell her how lucky she was.  I learn of her when I am 17.  She and her husband come to our house looking for my second oldest half-sister, Ann.  Ann had already left.  But I learn now that I have another half-sister.

This half sister and I wrote each other a couple of times, then she lost interest.  Life moves on.  I was so disappointed.  Even at a young age family was everything to me. I am not entirely clear on how she ended up with relatives, but she did.  Her bio mother was abusive.  She was raised by very loving relatives, and had the best life of us all.

Those relatives never adopted her.  Despite their care, she clings to the fact of her biological parents.  She seems to have no appreciation of how fortunate she was.  I come in contact with her again in, I think, my forties or fifties.  Then again in my late sixties.  Currently, she is, again, not speaking to me.

2.  Here's where it gets a little fun.  My dad's second wife has a daughter-my half-sister, Ann.  (Who is now deceased.). He divorces (or leaves Ann's wife).  Her mother is extremely abusive.  Eventually she goes to live with my/our grandparents.  At some point, she goes to live with our oldest half-sister who exchanges room and board for housework.

I am not sure of the time frame when Ann lives with the oldest sister.  I think it was after she ran away from her husband and left her sons.  I know it's difficult to understand as the frames of time flip back and forth.  Sorry.

When I am in junior high, Ann comes to live with us.  My mother learned about dad's first marriage (and first child) when his first wife took him to court.  My mother learns about his second marriage, and second child, when granddad calls and says he's bringing Ann to live with us.  SURPRISE!  Lol.

A little background history.

We moved from the Midwest to Los Angeles when I was five. My memories start at the age of five, during that move, crowded into our car.  Dad, mom, my brother, me, and grandmother headed west.  Grandmother was divorced at this time from granddad.  She leaves behind a disabled, but functional son.

(I think it's important to the story to remember that, when I was 68, my mother tells she tried to put me up for adoption when I was 2 years old.  What happens to me when I am 7 is horrific, and changes the whole course of my life.  It effects my parents attitude towards me, but is not the cause of that attitude.)

We live in a rented house.  Then we live in a second rented house.  Then we move to a different county, buy a house, and live there for several years. 

The house we owned has four bedrooms, and two baths.  Dad and mom in the master.  My brother and me in one bedroom(twin beds), grandma in one bedroom, and dads study in the fourth bedroom.  Eventually my brother has a fit about sharing a room.  He gets his own room, I get to move in with grandma.  We share a double bed.  

Grandma finally moves out and gets an apartment in Los Angeles. I have my own room until Ann comes.  Ann moves in, and, yup, we now share the room and the double bed.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Mar 12, 2019)

Aneeda72 said:


> The therapist actually wanted me to write about my life on a previous forum I was on.  I recently quit that forum and now I'm here.  I feel very lucky to have found you all.  But, if you find my story too hard to read, please don't read it.  I don't mean to cause others pain or open old wounds.  In my own way, I am trying to find peace.



Aneeda, I can see where writing about your life can be very therapeutic and can bring you peace.  This is _your_ diary thread and you should feel comfortable speaking about things in your life that have touched you, whether positive or negative.  It's been very interesting to read your story, and I'm sure it may help others also when you share your experiences, please continue on, glad you're here with us now.


----------



## Keesha (Mar 13, 2019)

I think it’s wonderful that your son at least acknowledges the sacrifices you made for your family. 


When did you leave home ?


Did you ever have the chance to live on your own before starting your own family?


Did you get a chance to go to college or university?


How long did you look after foster children and how did your children feel about this?


Did all the children get along?


Do you think your experiences made you a better mother to your children?


How is your relationship with your husband?


How does your husband feel about your parents?


How did you get along with your husbands family?


If you could have changed  your life when you were younger , what things would you have changed? 


I think the thing that bothers me the most about being raised by two narcissistic parents is that I’ve picked up narcissistic tendencies myself and it’s a difficult thing to change.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 13, 2019)

Seabreeze, 

Thanks for your response.

Keesha,

WOW, lots of questions.  I will answer some of them before continuing my story.  

I have been been married twice.  The first marriage was a nightmare.  A very abusive man, again, every form of abuse.  I sure can pick them.  I haven't decided if I will talk about those years.  I had a miscarriage with him and my first son.  When I married my current husband, my son was two.  

My my current husband was able to adopt my son when my son was around 7.  I have been married to my current husband for 47 years, and grow more tired of his behavior, which gets worst, every year.  I long for a divorce which is impossible.  My husband was a combat vet, viet nam era.  He has PTSD which has worsened over time. He can be very nice, however.

We did foster care for about 35 years.  My husband was also an abused child.  We have to bio children, the infant who died, and our daughter.  My bio son who he adopted.  Two adopted sons, my totally disabled son who went to live in a group home at 19 and my son with Down's syndrome who went to live in a group home at 22 by his choice.

I'll call him J.  J wanted to be a man like his siblings.  I wanted him to stay home for forever which was silly, he I have needed his own life.  He is my favorite child.  I could have a million children with DS.  When he left, he said "don't be sad mom, you can adopt another baby with DS."  Lol.  If you want to understand unconditional love, get to know someone with DS.

i could tell a million stories about him, lol, and probably will.

i didn't leave home.  When I graduated from high school, my mother arranged a visit for me to my grandmother.  On my way out the door she told me I could not return home and made me homeless.  I explained this I think.  Yup, this is explained in the first paragraph of this post.  How I felt about my in laws is explained in another thread.  I'll try and find that title for you.

I have an Associate Degree (2 years) in early childhood education gotten many decades ago, lol.

My husband recognizes my obligation to my mother.  Like any mother, I was a good mother and a bad mother.  Like any mother I made repairable mistakes.  I was not an a abusive mother.  I raised my children to be independent, self thinkers, self reliant, and responsible people.  I did the best I could.

My daughter is super successful, type A.  Put herself though college, has a four year degree.  My son is successful.  Both my children, like any children given enough freedom to hang themselves, did.  Lol.  Because of this, they became very accepting of people in all walks of life.  They continue to try and teach this old dog new tricks.

if I could change my life when I was younger what would I change?, you asked.  I would have never been born.  I have a lot of medical problems.  I am in a lot of physical pain 24/7.  I would have spared myself this agony.

As to your statement that you think I deny my feelings.  I don't.  There are times, I hated my parents when I was a child.  But it was not an intense hate.  I am not a passionate person.  I am laid back.  So it was never-I HATE YOU-it was always I hate you.  And mostly it was I am going to stay as far away from you as possible so I can stay alive and survive this shit.

I was not forced into child labor.  Farm children were born and raised to WORK.  The children of parents, raised on farms, were expected to work even though they now lived in the suburbs.  I expected my children to work when they turned 16.  They did.  They were allowed to keep their money and spend it however they wanted.

I was a door mat for most of my life.  I am not a door mat now.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 13, 2019)

Keesha, the answer to you in law question is in the thread "if you had in-laws were they good or bad or crazy".  My response se is one page 2.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 13, 2019)

My sister Ann lived with us for a while, attended high school but didn't graduate.  She worked at a donut shop, late hours.  She had no chores in our house, nor did my brother.  Our house was my responsibility.  I was not allowed to date, and had a very restricted life.  School, work, home until high school.  Still no dates, but increased freedom.

Probably due to mom divorcing dad when I was 15.  She cared less and less what I did as long as I kept the house up, mostly stayed home, didn't date, and left her alone.  Once she got home before me, I had forgotten to vacuum before I left for school.  I walked into the house, she slapped my face, and broke my nose.  "Maybe you'll remember to vacuum".  Yup, I did.

Ann married a truck driver.  Had two children.  Moved on before the divorce.

Dad's third marriage was to my mother.  Two children, a son, and me.  Dad was raised on a dirt farm.  I once tried to explain to someone what a dirt farm was.  I finally realized that this person barely realized what a farm was, lol.  If you don't know what a dirt farm is, and want to know, please google it.

If I repeat stuff, I'm sorry.  Dad was a hands on guy.  If he needed to or decided to displine you, he used his hand.  A slap, a spanking, later on a fist.  He left most of the discipline up to mom.  My grandmother, after repeatedly asking where the dog was, told this story.

This occurred before I was five years old.  One day dad decided to spank me.  We had a Chow.  You don't touch the person the Chow dog owns.  He spanked me in front of the dog.  Dad made it into the bathroom and shut the door.  When the police arrived, the dog had almost eaten it's way through the door.  The dog was shot and killed.

I mostly have good memories of dad.  His abuse was rare, but bad when it happened.  Dad scared me.  Mom didn't.  I was very careful around him.  He worked a lot.  He was Vice President of a major aircraft company.  Keep in mind this was at the end of WWII.  He got a lot of presents from customers.  He gave out government contracts, I think.

Dad had served in the Army-Airforce.  Family rumors have him connected to the mob which controlled the area we moved from in the Midwest.  I have no doubt that his was true, but I have no proof either.  I do know that we went to Las Vegas a lot.  I do know that dad never paid for a room or a show.  Beyond that I have no ideal.  But people didn't mess with dad.


----------



## Keesha (Mar 13, 2019)

Ok Aneeda.
Thanks for answering my questions.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 13, 2019)

Good memories of dad.

My brother HATED dad.  Mother had him convinced that dad was abusive to her for no reason.  (There is no reason for abusive benavior.  Walk away!  Easy to say, hard to do.). My dad would walk into the house, mom would wink at me, and start a fight. Some of the fights turned physical.  Why she did this I have no ideal.  I think it was a control issue.

She did this repeatedly.  Then told my brother she was beaten for no reason.  My brother believed her and would have nothing to do with dad.  But I would.

Saturday was icehouse day.  Dad and I went to the ice house.  A big narrow building in which ice came down a conveyor belt.  It was so interesting.  Then a worker put this block of ice on a towel in your car trunk.  We took it home, put it in the sink, and had lots of ice for the weekend.

Sunday was ice cream day.  YAY.  Dad, mom, and I went to the drug store.  Dad always asked what kind of chololate ice cream I want.  Vanilla, I'd scream.

Then, their were Angel games.  His work rented a large bus which drove to a parking lot in our county.  Workers and children got on the bus and were driven in LA for the ball games.  The dad's got all the beer they wanted, lol, and they wanted a lot.  The kids got all the pop they wanted.  At the game, all the hot dogs, popcorn, etc. paid for by the company.

Every Friday night we, the entire family, went to knots berry farm for chicken dinner.  It was not amusement park at that time.  They had covered wagons in a circle, you would go sit in them and sing along to the old western songs.  It was heaven on earth.  I loved it there.

Anyway, you get the ideal.  An example of horrific dad.

Some time during elementary school I got pnemonia.  I could not swallow the pills.  They were too big and mom tried everything in the book to get them down me.  It was a no go.  I got sicker.  Dad got home one night and I had not taken the pills.  I was laying in bed, face up, sick as a dog.  Dad came into the room and closed the door.

He got on the bed, legs on each side of my body, penning my arms down.  I was looking up at him.  He slapped the left side of my face first.  Then the right.  This continued for a while, left then right.  He got up off me and the bed.  He said, "you will take your pills.".  He left the house.

I hated my mother for this.  She made no attempt to stop him.  She didn't call anyone.  She just let him beat me.  She never even opened the door until after he left.  I blamed her.  After he left, she opened the door.  Looked at me, and went and called the doctor.  He came, called an ambulance, and I was hospitalized for a few days for pnemonia.

An an example of mom's cruelty.

I was playing outside in our side yard after dinner.  My shoe came off, I stepped on a board with a rusty nail in it.  The nail went completely through my foot.  Someone goes and gets mom.  She comes out.  She is wearing her white thick robe with the pink flowers on it.  I told you not to play outside barefoot.  I do not cry.  There is punishment for crying.

She reaches down, grabs the board, and pulls the nail out of my foot.  She grabs my arm and drags me along into the house.  With her other hand, she spanks me, saying, again, I told you not to play outside barefoot. I bleed all the way into the house.  I bleed on her robe.  She gets an old sheet, tears it, wraps it around my foot to stop the bleeding.

Then she notices the blood on her robe.  I am spanked with her hand.  She is too mad to wait and grab the belt.  When she is done, she says go do the dishes.  I go and do the dishes.  I don't remember if I ever saw the doctor for this.  I assume I did see one the next day.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 14, 2019)

Keesha,

I went back and reread some posts you wrote and think I missed some of what you said.  At times it seemed like you are  attempting to psychoanalyze me.  Please realize our situations are extremely different.  I am not trying to talk about or express my feelings.  If I wanted to do that, I would/could see a therapist.  I simply mention my feelings in passing.

At one point you mentioned I should "talk" to my mother about these issues and she probably won't remember the conversation.  If that were true, it would be entirely self serving and useless.  My mother is as sharp as a whip.  She has an excellent memory.  She would remember every word.  She would feel the need to attack and become upset.

Also why upset her?  What would be gained?  It is what it is.  She is a 94 year old woman.  She can say whatever she wants to me, and has.  That is her choice, but despite her abuse I owe her a certain amount of respect.  She made sure I had food, clothing, and an education.  More than my half-sister Ann received.  Making her upset would not make me feel better.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 14, 2019)

Genealogy research is interesting and informative.  I have printed out certain parts of the phone books from where my parents lived when the were first married.  It is amusing to see all three of his wives names listed within blocks of each other.  I wonder if mom ever looked in the phone book and wondered who those people were.  Lol.

Mom also gave me quite a few pictures of dad and my grandparents when I was 20 or so.  I have a picture of dad with his second wife standing with his parents.  It has his second wife's name on the picture.  Obviously, she didn't know what she had.  Really funny.

My oldest half-sister was/is obsessed with the order of dad's marriages and which children might be illegitimate.  IMO there are no illegitimate children, but I know this is still an issue for some people.  In the time period I grew up in, out of wedlock children, in some states, had the word, illegitimate, stamped on their birth certificates.  

But my dad was a bigamist, or so my half-sister thinks.  I don't know, and don't care.  Most of her life she thought Ann was illegitimate.  I am sure she reminded her of it often.  A few years back, she told me she made a mistake,  My brother and I were the illegitimate ones.  I responded that I always known my brother was a bastard, just didn't realize it was official.  Lol.

I am stilling mulling over writing about what happened to me when I was 7, before I move on.  I just may move on and come back to this or not.


----------



## win231 (Mar 14, 2019)

Aneeda72, I know where you're coming from.  We can't pick our parents & unfortunately, some have kids for the wrong reasons & those are usually the type that should never have kids.
My mother was also a raging witch, a controller, an abuser, physically, mentally & verbally.  She also was brought up in an abusive home &, unlike me, she became one of the 85% who continue the pattern of abuse.

When I was around 10, she was on one of her lengthy tirades - "You should have never been born," "You're a piece of s--t," etc.  I was sitting next to a solid marble table.  I said something really nasty to her & she went to smack me.  I waited until the last second & jumped away from the table.  Her hand hit the marble table & I heard a loud crack.  She immediately let out a scream.  My dad took her to the ER & they didn't return until the next day.  Her arm was in a cast up to her SHOULDER.  My dad told me it was broken in three places & she had major surgery.  She tried to make me feel bad, saying, "Look what you did to me, you bastard."  I said,  "It serves you right for hitting me."  She tried to chase me, but that heavy cast made it hard to run.  That was the happiest day of my childhood; seeing her in pain - like she caused me, my sister & brother. 

When I was 12, & around her size, she beat me for the very last time.  When we were little, she used a broom - the one she swept with, not the one she rode on.  This time, she was using an electrical cord.  First I grabbed the cord, wrapped it around my hands & said, "If you hit me one more time, I will wrap this cord around your throat & pull on it until you die."  It was the first time I ever saw a frightened look on her; she must have sensed I wasn't kidding.  I pushed her into a wall hard & her head cracked the plaster & I started hitting her.  I almost didn't stop but I got scared when blood started pouring out of her nose & mouth & she really started crying & said, "Wait until your father comes home."  I said, "I'll kill him, too."  She never hit me again; she confined her abuse to verbal & mental.

You may be wondering where was my dad in all this?  Although I liked him more than my mom, I had to come to terms with the fact that his priorities were screwed up; he let his wife get away with ANYTHING, including harming his kids, as long as he had a woman.  Whenever he'd get mad at her, she threatened to leave him.  He chose to pretend his wife was normal & failed to protect his kids.

I thought about that whenever I'd spend time with "Dakota" (my avatar).  If anyone harmed him, I'd rip their head off; how could a father allow his wife to abuse his kids?

When she died, only one of her kids attended her funeral - (my brother who is just like her).  My sister & I were too busy enjoying the moment to attend.  Honestly, that was the second happiest day of my life.


----------



## Keesha (Mar 14, 2019)

Aneeda72 said:


> Keesha,
> 
> I went back and reread some posts you wrote and think I missed some of what you said.  At times it seemed like you are  attempting to psychoanalyze me.  Please realize our situations are extremely different.  I am not trying to talk about or express my feelings.  If I wanted to do that, I would/could see a therapist.  I simply mention my feelings in passing.
> 
> ...



Im not trying to pschoanalyze you at all. Of course I understand our situations are different. We are different people. How could they possibly be the same; we’re two different people. I explained all I needed to in one long post thinking perhaps we could share similarities but you ignored it all except for the questions I asked which is perfectly fine. 

This is your diary and although the forum rules  state that others may contribute to people’s diary, I decided to delete it all except for the questions because this is YOUR DIARY! 

You’re right. Nothing will be gained by trying to talk. 
I never once mentioned that you should try and upset your mother. 
You’ve turned everything I said to you around. 

My intention was to try and connect with you. 
I tried. I failed. I’ll move on now and wish you well


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 15, 2019)

Win231,

Thanks for replying to my post and writing about your situation.  It seems very similar to mine in terms of the abuse you endured at the hands of your mother.  How did you get the courage, at the age of 12, to confront her like you did?  As I said I was a doormat.  I remained a doormat until my, hmm, late fifties.

When I changed, my daughter was the first to notice.  I started to stand up to my husband endless stream of verbal abuse.  My daughter was completely shocked, lol.  Actually, so was I.  But I only stood up to my mother that one time when I was 17, and never to my father.  However, I did once get a "little" back at her.

We were in the car driving to the laundry mat.  I was sitting in the front seat and trying to talk to her.  She told me to shut up. Alrighty, then, I did.  When she went around a corner we heard a thump, she noticed the bleach, on the floor behind my seat, had fallen over.  As she reached back to straighten it, she turned the wheel to the right.

I saw we were headed for the curb.  I thought about saying something, but didn't.  Lol.  She ran up the curb and hit a small tree. "Why didn't you tell me I was going up the curb?", she asked.  I said nothing back to her, but inside I was laughing myself sick.

I sometimes think the verbal/mental abuse is far worst than the physical abuse.  The physical wounds heal, but the verbal stabs seem to remain forever.  Being told you are stupid, for 17/18 years sinks in and stays with you for your entire life IMO.  When I do a stupid thing, and we all do stupid things, I tend to "beat up" on myself.

Did your mother also stop beating your siblings?


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 15, 2019)

Keesha,

I feel I must walk on egg shells with you and I have tried to be very careful in my responses.  Apparently, I am not successful. I will accept that the flaw is mine.  I have mentioned my social isolation.  I have been socially isolated most of my life as I have worked very little.  Work is where people get most of their socialization.

I was home raising my kids, foster kids, and then my two disabled adopted kids.  Saw neighbors now and then, teachers now and then, but such encounters where limited to conversations about children, lol.  I worked, in my sixties, as a phone rep for a major credit card company, but again I was on the phone.  Socialized a little on my breaks.

I see your posts are still here, at least they show for me.  Just leave them, why would you want to delete them?  I did say I missed reading some of your posts.  I did answer most, if not all, of your questions.  You can, if you want, say whatever you want on this thread.  You can point out things you'd specifically like to discuss.

I am glad you agree that nothing will be gained by my attempting to speak to my mother.  You stated "you never mentioned" I should upset my mother.  No, you didn't, and I never said you did.  I think you sometimes misread what I write, that's fine.  I misread things as well.  In fact, I've noticed that sometimes when I write I use the wrong word.  

Using the wrong word, can make my meaning misunderstood.  Sigh.

You haven't failed to connect to me.  I don't believe I have turned around what you've said to me.  If, by moving on, you mean you will no longer post on this thread that is your decision.  But, feel free to post here if you want.  I have no problem with your doing so and your comments are welcome.


----------



## win231 (Mar 15, 2019)

Aneeda72 said:


> Win231,
> 
> Thanks for replying to my post and writing about your situation.  It seems very similar to mine in terms of the abuse you endured at the hands of your mother.  How did you get the courage, at the age of 12, to confront her like you did?  As I said I was a doormat.  I remained a doormat until my, hmm, late fifties.
> 
> ...



Yes.  I think she learned her lesson when I hit her back.  She lost two teeth but it could have been much worse for both of us.  Maybe she realized they could do it, too.  I got the worst of it because I was the talented one.  Some idiotic parents (like Michael Jackson's father) think unless they are tough on their kids, they won't work hard enough - that's how they justify abuse.  When kids are abused, they grow up thinking they are "bad" kids, otherwise their "loving" parents would have to beat them & they always try harder & harder to please their abusive parents.  They usually have low self esteem as adults.  That's why they will take abuse from a spouse, supervisor, co-worker, etc.  They don't think they deserve being treated well.  That's how I was for many years...until I realized why I let people walk all over me.
Sometimes abused kids grow into adults that are always on the defensive, thinking everyone is out to hurt them - financially, verbally, etc. so they are quick to strike out at people first. That's the type of person my sister became & she doesn't realize the connection to our mom.  My brother is a real dirtbag - convicted felon, thief, deadbeat dad (hasn't seen or supported his daughter for 20 years) & has absolutely no conscience.
Sometimes there is justice.  My mom was bedridden for the last 4 months of her life & she hated it more than anything.  She frequently told me, "Each night when I go to sleep, I hope I die."  I remember thinking, "Yeah...so do I."


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 15, 2019)

I agree.  My mother is 94, just die.  Will you just die.  I feel guilty about my attitude, but I would be spared the never ending judgmental phone calls.

I was surprised when, in a recent conversation, my brother and his wife complained that mom wanted to move again.  They told her they were too ill to help her pack up, which is true.  Then they said, "why doesn't she just die."  Totally surprised me.  First thing we have agreed on in forever.

You are completely right about self esteem issues.  Plus I lack self confidence except concerning my children.  I know I am right concerning their welfare.  Educated myself on the issues.

It's too bad about your siblings.  Sounds like they haven't done as well as you emotionally.  My brother is arrogant and mean.  A very successful man, but not well liked by his children.  His son, who I don't know well, is super successful.  But it seems he has issues as well toward woman.  Abuse is so destructive.

Talented?  What is your talent?  I really have no talents.  I wish I could dance, but with two left feet and no rythmn-lol, no chance at that particular dream.


----------



## win231 (Mar 15, 2019)

Aneeda72 said:


> I agree.  My mother is 94, just die.  Will you just die.  I feel guilty about my attitude, but I would be spared the never ending judgmental phone calls.
> 
> I was surprised when, in a recent conversation, my brother and his wife complained that mom wanted to move again.  They told her they were too ill to help her pack up, which is true.  Then they said, "why doesn't she just die."  Totally surprised me.  First thing we have agreed on in forever.
> 
> ...



I'm what is referred to as a "Child Prodigy." When I was around 4 years old, I was at my mom's friend's house.  They had a piano.  I started playing a tune I heard on the radio.  My mom took me to a university professor who told her, "I don't care if you have to mop floors & clean public bathrooms; you should give him piano lessons.  After a few years, she paraded me around everywhere, giving concerts & saying, "_Look what I made my son...what did you do with your son?"   _While I was practicing, she'd stand next to me & every time I made a mistake, she'd hit me.
The abuse & stress made me hate music & I quit playing when I was old enough to tell her to go to hell - around 17.  After 45 years, I started playing again, just for fun.  It's nice to play when no one is beating you.


----------



## AZ Jim (Mar 15, 2019)

Wow!.............. Just WOW!  I was so lucky to have the MOM and DAD I did......


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 15, 2019)

Win123,

A child prodigy-wow, it just makes things doubly sad for you.  I am so sorry.  

I had a problem with spelling, still do, due to the abuse.  But I wasn't good at spelling and the abuse made it worst.  I wrote about it on Keesha's thread I think.  I wanted to play the violin.  But the notes, just like the letters, swirled before my eyes.  Years later, in my twenties, I tried the piano.  Wishful thinking does not equal talent.  I had none.

I am so impressed by you!  Your ability not only to play, but your ability to overcome the association with pain; and play.  Something I cannot do with spelling.  It must be wonderful to sit and play for pleasure and fun, probably, bittersweet as well.  Have you considered playing as a volunteer at a hospital or similar place?


----------



## Keesha (Mar 15, 2019)

Aneeda72 said:


> Keesha,
> 
> I feel I must walk on egg shells with you and I have tried to be very careful in my responses.  Apparently, I am not successful. I will accept that the flaw is mine.  I have mentioned my social isolation.  I have been socially isolated most of my life as I have worked very little.  Work is where people get most of their socialization.
> 
> ...



And I have tried to be ultra careful in my response to you and feel like I am walking on egg shells  also. I wrote out a huge post to you and you ignored it all except for the 7 or 8 questions I asked you so I deleted everything but the questions. 
It’s ok Aneeda. Im not upset with you either. I just don’t seem to be making any connection with you and if you think I’m psycoanalyzing you, that wasn’t the effect I was going for. I’ll take part responsibility also. Besides which I don’t really wish to discuss the abuse I endured. It just depresses me so I will kindly decline responding to this thread. 

Take care Anneda and I wish you the best. :flowers:


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 15, 2019)

AZ Jim,

Yes, you were lucky


----------



## Falcon (Mar 15, 2019)

Same  with me  Jim.   Couldn't  have  asked  for  nicer  parents !


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 15, 2019)

So before I go on to dad's fourth wife, where it gets really confusing, I will go back to when we lived in Los Angeles County.

We moved from the Midwest to LA.  All I remember about the new house was the scarey back yard.  There were avocado trees.  The yard had probably never been raked and was piled high with rotten leaves.  Under those leaves lived lizards.  The lizards frightened us all.  We moved.

The second house was on a super large lot.  The landlady had a large house in the back.  The back was cemented except for areas of garden and patio for both houses.  There were roses.  The house she rented to us sat in the front.  There was a small flat grass yard, then the yard curved down.  There were steps leading up to the screened in patio at the front.

I have no sense of how long we lived here.  Possibly a year and a half.  Both my parents worked at the same company.  Grandma worked as a nurse at a convalescent hospital.  (I remember her taking me, when I was older, to meet her patients.  All these older woman, reaching out, clawing at me.  Really put me off older people.)

Again, dad, mom, grandma, brother, and I lived in this house.  There was a large eat in kitchen with a screened door that led to the back yard space.  Our land lady baked fresh bread early Sunday morning and brought us three loafs.  After they cooled, for a minimal amount of time, we sliced into them, and slathered on the butter.  So good!

On Sunday's we went to a large popular non-denominational church.  It was the early 1950's.  You went to church on Sunday and you dressed up.  After church we went to Clifton's cafeteria in Los Angeles for lunch.  There was underground parking in the center of the street.  Before we ate, we got Orange Julius's which were sold next door.  The original store.

The cafeteria sold food in small windows.  You opened the little window and got your food.  The decor was like a garden or forest, as I remembered it.  I loved it there.  Then we went home.  During the summer we went to Billy Goat Hill to fly our kites.  We had to climb a million stairs but so worth it.

One time grandma took me downtown on the bus.  On the way back, she tried to get on the bus but couldn't.  Her underpants had fallen off and laid at her feet, trapping them. Grandma was a big woman.  She looked down, stepped out of her underpants, kicked them away, and got the bus.  Lol.  (You go grandma!  I loved this woman so much.)

A lot of good memories from this house, good and bad.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 15, 2019)

The house was two story.  Kitchen, bathroom, living room downstairs, bedrooms up.  The living room had an old super large fireplace that wasn't used.  I could stand up in it when I was 7.  I hid in it often to try and avoid mother.  She couldn't reach me, but she demanded I come out.  I did. 

I never saw saw the upstairs.  I assume there were three bedrooms, but there could have been two.  Mom and dad had a room, grandma had a room, and brother either shared grandma's room or had his own.  I was not permitted upstairs.  I slept on the screened in front porch.  It was too cold in winter, too hot in summer.

The door into the porch did not have a latch.  The door into the house was locked at night so I had no access to the inside.  My bed was placed in front of the windows.  At night my family watched TV, and I could watch through a small slit, where the blind was not pulled all the way down.  Till my brother noticed and ratted me out.

Closing the blind all the way, and the curtains, made the porch completely frightening and dark. Anyone reading this thread, this post needs to understand that I had no value.  Men had value, boys had value.  Women had little value, girls had no value at all.  I've given it a great deal of thought, my mother's attitude.  Her casual neglect of me.  

It was the time we lived in.  It was the time my parents grew up in.  It was, whatever it was.  I wrote earlier how my mother wanted my forgiveness for what happened when I was 17.  I wrote how I hated her.  It should have read that she thought I hated her now, and then, for crimes committed so long ago.  I don't and I didn't .  Any hate I ever had was fleeting.

I was not/am not a passionate person.  I am laid back.  I never had strong substanied angry emotions even as a child.  I forgave her/them for so much.  It became a habit, an ingrained habit.  That day, when I was 68, when she insisted I forgive her-it was unnecessary.  For me it was a foregone conclusion, I would.  I simply would not tell her so.

I was fortunate to be a believer, even as a child, and exposed, via grandma, to various forms of religion.  Those tent revivals really were amazing!  I chose to be baptized late in life.  I chose a formal religion.  I choose to be a non-practiceing Catholic.  But, and it sounds trite, God saw me through it all.  Never drank, never did drugs, I thought I had survived.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 15, 2019)

Keesha,

I see you have sent me a PM.  Let me remind everyone, I can't read PM.  My old iPad does not allow them to open.  I don't know why.  Please do not send them.  There is a lot my iPad doesn't do.  Like me, it's old, forgetful, and only works half the time.  My iPad screen, like my mind, frequently goes blank.

Please do not try and tell me how to open PM's.  That will just frustrate us all.

Your PM was sent to me in a different manner so now I know what it said.  Hmm, I did read that post.  I didn't reply because my replies seem to upset you.  If you don't want to post on my thread, don't.  I am not being rude.  I am just not pushing you to do anything.  What I am "talking about" in my thread might be too difficult for you to read.

I have never asked you to be specific about the situation in your childhood.  I have repeatedly said generalizations are fine.  I didn't ask you to talk about your abuse.  We don't need to have a "connection".  I also wish you the best, just not sure what that means.  I am getting confused about this situation.  I want you to do, what you want to do.


----------



## win231 (Mar 15, 2019)

Aneeda72 said:


> Win123,
> 
> A child prodigy-wow, it just makes things doubly sad for you.  I am so sorry.
> 
> ...



Yes, I do enjoy playing for friends.  I also play for a diabetes support group that meets in my home.  When I first got the piano, I was tense & thinking, "What the hell am I doing?"  And for the first several weeks when I had to start over from the beginning, re-learning everything & my hands didn't want to work after 48 years, but I was surprised at how fast I picked it up again.  I instinctively kept checking next to me & had to convince myself that my mother couldn't hit me because she died 7 years ago.  But, when I play for people, I have to fight shaking hands & a rapid, pounding heart - just as I did during a concert.  It's hard to shake but I'm working at it.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 16, 2019)

I totally understand.  I can spell better by myself, with no one in the room. but still feel pressured.  I hear the words of how stupid I am.  Sometimes I still invert the letters, the b's and the d"s and remember all those big red F's in my spelling book.  The beatings, as if hitting me with a belt will improve my ability to spell.  As if hitting you, would improve your ability to play.

Our mothers are/were the stupid ones.

My daughter's gift of the Alexa has really helped me.

What you are doing is great and courageous.  The struggle will be worth the result, IMO.  A talent, like yours, should be shared, I am so glad you are able to share it.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 16, 2019)

I blamed my mother for a lot of what happened to me.  What she did to me, made me react in ways I might not have.  On the flip side, what I didn't realize, until my children were grown, is that it is somewhat normal to blame your parents, and how they raised you for your life choices.

 My daughter once asked me how could I have let her move in with a certain boyfriend.  I responded with how did she imagine I could have stopped her.  Now that she has grown children, sadly, she has learned that you can advise an adult child, but you cannot control them.  She now understands how "I let her move in with that boy."  

There is a song "Because of you" sung by Kelly Clarkson.  (There are different versions by others.). It is a bittersweet song (probably was meant to apply to a romantic relationship), but I think it applies well to any abusive relationship.  I "walked" though my life.  Always trying to choose safety, rarely managing to get it.

Anyway, stepping down from my soap box.  Lol.

Since I was seven, I dreamed of rabbits.  Always rabbits.

Why rabbits?  Finally, when I was in my twenties, and my daughter was 7, I asked my mother, who was visting at the time, if she knew why I always dreamed of rabbits.  (I actually just realized that my daughter was seven at this time.  Never thought of her age before.)

Keesha mentioned briefly about compartmentalizations of memories and how her memories are still returning.  Yeah, I know about this.  I learned about this ability of the mind to shut off extremely tramatic painful events/memories on this summer day.
The fact that these memories returned when my daughter was 7, was coincidence, but odd.

During my childhood my mother had made comments to me that I didn't understand.  I won't repeat any of them, doing so might be against forum rules, but you will understand.  Even before the incident I was not allowed to leave the yard unless with brother.  It was a control issue for her, not a protective issue.  It's important to know the difference.

I realize my posts are getting shorter.  It becomes more difficult to write about this and I need breaks.  I have thought about not writing about this.  But it makes the story incomplete.  It makes me, in some way, a prisoner of what happened all those years ago.  I am going to write about it.  It might be a hard read for some.  If so, please don't read it.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 16, 2019)

So, I asked my mother, in the 1970's, if she knew why I always dreamed of rabbits.  (I was in my twenties.)  She laughed, and answered with a question.

"Don't you remember what happened?"

And in that single space of time, I remembered.  I remembered two specific memories-only two.  Strange the way the brain works; closing off what you can not bear, until you can bear it.  Those memories explained so many things.  Those memories brought a closure I didn't know I needed.  The dreams of rabbits stopped.

When I was 7 years old, I was kidnapped and raped.

The story as my mother told it in response to my questions, filled in with things I figured out.

It was Saturday because my mother was home.  Sundays were church etc.  It was after lunch but before dinner.  Dad got home (from wherever) at dinner time.  It was the early 1950's.  In the 1950's, at dinner time, you had better be home.  This was mostly true for everyone s children.  I wasn't home, and I was always home.  Where is she, dad asked.

Mom said she told dad she hadn't seen me since lunch. I was a child who is not allowed to leave the yard, a child who is never out of shouting range.  My mother knows this, these are her rules. My mother acknowledges this.  My mother did nothing to find her missing child.

Like every other dad, in this time period, he is mad.  I am supposed to be home for dinner.  He searched for me.  He found me in the rabbit shed of the handyman who lived in the neighborhood.  It was, of course, my fault.  I must have "flirted" with guy.  I was, according to my mother, a little whore.  I only climbed trees, as a child, so the boys could see my underwear.

On and on, a common response towards girls who were abused in the 1950's and later in this manner.  No doctor, no police, no comfort, no protection for me. The man was known, but not blamed.  What if the neighbor's had found out?  The shame of it all.  I was ruined, useless, not marriage material.

Lord love a duck, I was so lucky the 1960's happened.  Hippies, free love, war, the female revolution saved me from what might have been a horrible existence.  But what happened sealed my fate forever with my parents, especially my mother.  The beatings became intensive.  She started to use the belt.

At 7 years old, I was left with dreams of rabbits and a fear of the dark.  It was dark in that shed.  The therapist I saw a couple of years ago wanted to "explore" what happened in that shed.  I did not and do not want to know.  The two memories I have are enough.  I will take the rest to the grave in the hidden room in my mind.

I am still afraid of the dark.  I still have panic attacks, sometimes, in the dark.  I still refuse to go into the backyard in the dark.  I still sleep with a night light on.


----------



## win231 (Mar 16, 2019)

Aneeda72,
I can also relate to the panic attacks.  As for sleeping, I have four loaded guns in my bedroom - safe in quick-access lock boxes.  Once I lock my bedroom door, I feel safe & sleep OK.  I was a competitive shooter for many years (the other thing I'm good at).  I do it for fun, but probably also due to the feeling of vulnerability from my childhood abuse.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 17, 2019)

Win231,

Yup, the panic attacks are the worst.  We don't have any guns, and I made my husband give his marine "pig sticker" to our son years ago.  But I understand what you mean.  We've only been in this house a couple of years and when it settles it sounds like someone is walking around upstairs.  I get a tad worried, let the dog out of his crate, and send him upstairs.

Lol, there is never anyone there, still, it makes me feel safer to have the dog take a look.  (Husband works midnights.)


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 18, 2019)

Dad's fourth marriage and fifth marriage are confusing still.

As I said, I met dad's fourth wife right before I left for basic training in the army.  He had two children, a girl aged 2 and a newborn son.  My mother sold the house and moved, so I had no ideal of her where abouts.  My brother never wrote me so I didn't know where he was.  My father must have wrote me because I knew where he was.

I didn't go on leave after basic since I didn't know where any family was.  My memory of this time is sketchy.  A while later I must have heard from dad and I went on leave.  He introduced his fifth wife to me.  She was 19, one year older than I was.  Dad was 5'4" as big around as he was tall.  How he married again and again I have no ideal.

When mom saw me one time at the home, she brought the rest of my stuff in a trunk.  This 19 year old had my trunk.  I never saw my things again.  The girl was pregnant.  I had no ideal or no memory of what happened to his previous wife and children at this time.  Later I received a letter that dad has his daughter. His wife had the son, and grandma was with his wife.

I believe the fifth wife was the last wife.  She lost the baby.  My oldest sister thinks the fifth wife is seperate, and there is a sixth wife. It gets really confusing as dad indicates he leaves this wife and is alone with his daughter.  I got married and wrote my dad a letter saying that my husband and I would be happy to raise his daughter.  He was insulted.

He writes me a letter, rejects me, and I never hear from him again.  Later, from that young daughter, I learn he is married, has another son (who hates him) and, hmm, four more daughters.  His daughter, from his fourth marriage, is raised as a step-daughter in his last marriage.

Since this woman has the same name as the person I meant on leave, I believe he only had the five marriages.  This does not discount any affairs he had.  Or the fact he may have more children.  What woman saw in him is a mystery to me.  He had no money, frequently didn't have a job.  

When I was in my forties (?), my mother received a phone call.  The youngest half-sister that I knew of called my mother thinking it was her mother.  Lol.  She was now in her twenties.  She told my mother that she was her long lost daughter and wanted to talk to her.  My mother informed she that she was not her mother in no uncertain way.

But, she told her, her sister (me), had been looking for her.  She gave her my phone number. (I will call her G.). G called me.  We talked extensively.  I knew where her mother was.  I don't remember how or when I learned the information.  I told G she had a biological brother, and two other half-sisters.  

She found her mother, met her brother, and moved to the Midwest to be near them.  G told me about the other half-sisters and half-brother.  We exchanged a few letters but they really weren't interested in a long term relationship.  Everyone is afraid of what the others might want from them except me.  I am very pro-family.  I have nothing to lose.

My oldest half-sister and I travel to the Midwest and meet with G and her bio brother about 10 years ago.  Her looks just like dad.  G's mother has died by this time, she is in a bad marriage, and eventually I hear nothing more from either one of them.  But I do have some pictures of this family, and my dad in his later years.  He continued to be an abusive man.

When dad split from G's mom, she went back to the Midwest and married dad's disabled brother.  Go figure that one.  Grandma went with them.  Grandma died, my uncle died, and then G's mother died.  I saw my grandfather right before he died.  Then my step-grandmother died.  The only one left is my mother and dad's fifth wife.

I was continually abandoned by my relatives.  My mother always choose my brother over me.  I really never existed for my brother.  Dad choose his continued supply of new children.  Grandma choose G.  I was left again and again.  I kept track of these people, I think, because I was desperate for someone anyone to care. They didn't.

After grandfather dropped Ann off at our house, he never came back.  I went back once and saw him when my son was three.  He never meet my daughter.  I've visited all their graves except dad's.  He remains unburied.

My mother's dad died when she was young.  I saw her mother several times, but she has many children and many grandchildren.  We were never close.  Mom's family and extended family is huge, but she kept them seperate from us.  When she dies I will start her genealogy, but it's too late to grow close to that family.

This is the end of this chapter of my life.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 29, 2019)

I was just sitting here watching a movie called "Puzzle".  Really good movie by the way, when a memory pops into my head of dad, mom, and me.  It occurs to me again how odd life is.  How I treasure the good times in my childhood so much and try and forget the bad times; while it is the bad times that so directed my life and were/are responsible for my choices in life.

It is also interesting how much of our family life my brother missed.  He went to school, went to work, and went to the neighbors who had three sons.  He came home to sleep.  He played such a small role in our lives, and I understand how disconnected he was from us even if he doesn't.

Once, my brother's son remarked to me, that his dad never told stories of his childhood.  His son wished he would.  I told him a couple of stories, of when we were younger.  But I don't have many, he was simply never there.  I also talked to my brother about how much he had missed out on by hating our father-lol-and how much I gained.  

Dad had three sons from three different woman.  He wanted sons so badly.  It's ironic that all three sons hated him.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 13, 2019)

Aneeda72 said:


> Keesha,
> 
> I see you have sent me a PM.  Let me remind everyone, I can't read PM.  My old iPad does not allow them to open.  I don't know why.  Please do not send them.  There is a lot my iPad doesn't do.  Like me, it's old, forgetful, and only works half the time.  My iPad screen, like my mind, frequently goes blank.
> 
> ...



Hi Aneeda, 

I’m sorry that I didn’t see this earlier. My pm was just saying that I didn’t mean to sound like I was fixing you. You don’t need fixing. You’re beautiful just the way you are. I didn’t want to explain in your thread about what I meant just in case I embarrassed you and don’t worry; I won’t even try and explain the PM thing cause I don’t know. 

I wrote a thread today about spirituality and acceptance of others and someone posted that you were right about me. When I asked them what they meant they brought up this thread agreeing that my responses to you were all wrong and that I was trying to fix you. 


When I saw your post in my thread I was so touched by your loving response and at the same time embarrassed that I’d written all that about my parents. I’d wished the thread could be forgotten about. At the time of your posting I was feeling guilty and remorseful for posting what I had. The stress with currently dealing with my parents right now is overwhelming to me mentally so opening up that thread again felt so wrong and instead of communicating right there and then openly and honestly I blew it by backing out. It was too much for me. 


Adding all the methods of therapy I used which I found really helpful was the equivalent of that long gentle hug you gave to me without even knowing me. I don’t hug people or even get close to them if I can help it. Even in stores if I walk around the corner and almost bump into someone I’ll jump so much that I scare  the other person and then they apologize profusely like they’ve done something wrong.


People scare me still and no amount of therapy will ever fix that so I really do understand your desire to write as therapy. 
Having trimethylamaminurea doesn’t help any. 


I’m sorry I didn’t understand that it was a diary section and that you weren’t asking for help nor that I could actually help even if I wanted to. It is a bit humorous in hindsight though. 
I’m not really sure what I was thinking. All I know was that my heart was in the right place. 
You just couldn’t see my heart. 


I wasn’t at all trying to shut you down or make you feel ashamed or embarrassed by writing what you were writing. When you asked specifically about the type of abuse I received I felt so raw and exposed it was painful but I most definitely wasn’t trying to shut you down. I was triggered at that moment in time so didn’t respond well. 


I’m not good at socializing. Never have been but I’m totally useless at it when stressed. 
Being on a socializing forum  probably isn’t the wisest choice for me but oddly enough my main goal WAS to ask for help regarding my parents. I wasn’t sure how to go about being truthful without it being insulting so currently feel horrible for that but where do you go for help with something like that? I truly didn’t know. 


Anyway I wanted to pop in tonight to try and patch up a miscommunication on my part. 
Miscommunication seems to be something I’m doing a lot of and think I might need a change of medication. Yes I defend cannabis use like a pit bull but it’s not good for some types of mental illness and this is ‘currently’ one of them. Luckily I don’t use much so that won’t be a problem and I’m not growing any more even though I enjoy it immensely. Have enough for years. 


Going totally off topic like usual. I meant I wish you the best and it was straight forward. 
No sarcasm whatsoever. Reading your thread does trigger stuff for me but lately  everything does. I’m so off balance and might need to stop helping out in a social setting. 

Please don’t feel the need to respond to my post. Just keep writing the way you have been. I know we are good. 
You really are a great writer Anneda and your hearts as big as an ocean. Don’t ever change.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 13, 2019)

Keesha,

I am learning how to do the PM thing.  Just keeping pressing buttons till the message appears, lol.  I managed even to reply to a couple of messages I got yesterday so we are all good on this now.  I am so a computer dummy, but apparently this old dog can learn a new trick.  My dying iPad simply adds to the frustration.

There is NOT any problem between us and never has been, as far as I am concerned.  I like you a great deal.  (I've tried to find your new thread and can't; please send me the name.  Lol, you can PM me, I've got it figured out, I think.). I can't respond to some of what you wrote until I read that thread, and what the other person wrote.

I thank you and others for the comments about my writing skills.  I am just glad I am still able to put two words together that make sense.  Verbally I'm not as good at expressing myself.  We have a lot in common, you and I, as do all adult abused as children do.  I also am very jumpy.  However, I am very "friendly" towards strangers or I just have them trapped, hehe.

On another thread someone mentioned that they only talk to clerks in stores etc.  I am almost to that point.  I am so talkative, lol.  But I also lack a mouth filter and will say almost anything to anyone especially when I am stressed.  At the pain management doctor I blah, blah, blah about something I shouldn't have.  Sigh.

But I am tired of people thinking that my emotionally abusive husband is a wonderful person.  He's not.  He can be wonderful, he's simply not most of the time.  After 47 years of his worstsening crap, he starts therapy in May.  YAY.  People might wonder why I don't/didn't leave.  Never could afford to, still can't.  A complicated social situation for anyone in abusive situations.

Lol, talk about off topic.  Your, or anyone else's, drug usage is not my business.  What people don't understand is that everyone is addicted to something, and most people are addicted to things that do harm them.  I am addicted to sugar.  Despite being diabetic, despite my sugar levels being uncontrolled, I must have sugar.  I can't get rid of the craving.

I've cut back on carbs, but the sugar battle is a losing battle.  Medical marijuana will become available in my state in April 2020.  As a chronic pain patient, I look forward to trying it and hopefully it will work.  It will have to be in "cookie" form, lol.  I don't smoke.

If you don't like your thread about your parents, why don't you ask the admin if they can/will remove it?  That should be possible although I don't know if they will or not.  It says in the rules they can remove threads that are inappropriate so threads can be removed.  I don't know about request though.

Well, another night of no sleeping due to pain.  I got my nerve root block shots yesterday at L4 and L5.  Hopefully, they will kick in soon.  It takes 5 to 7 days.  I think I responded to most everything you brought up, if you have questions PM, me.  I have figured that out, I think, lol.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 13, 2019)

Hey Aneeda,
You’re no dummy. It’s called computer challenged but that’s from lack of know how not lack of brains. I’m computer challenged also and count on my husband to get me by. 
I’d be completely lost without the man. He’s a good one for sure.


The new thread was deleted because I deleted my post. It was a post written about not being centred or balanced. I’ve spend years finding a variety of ways to stay centred and mentally stable but lately been more self centred in the ego. What the other members wrote doesn’t really matter. In my heart I felt like we were good also and I really like you too. In fact I was going to write that in my last post but then chickened out. Lol 


You ARE an excellent writer no doubt. We really do have a lot in common because verbally I’m horrible at expressing myself. 
Even writing I can be horrible at expressing myself. Processing social interaction for me is slow. 


My man is always telling me I can bring up so many points and subjects at one time that he can’t keep up. He can’t remember them and can only focus on one subject at a time. The poor man. 


When I’m in a self confident stage  I can talk to    just about anyone but with having trimethythaminurea self confidence doesn’t come often. In fact I’m very very self conscious  about my body and usually hate everything about it except for my hair. That’s why I could relate so much to Patnono who inquired about dying her hair for a job interview. 


We ARE the same in regards to the motormouth thing. When or if I do get comfortable I can ramble non stop and get along with almost anyone but I also have no filter and say things I know I probably shouldn’t to strangers and otherwise. That no filter gets me into a LOT of trouble as well as my lack of common sense in social situations. 


For instance while trying to help my parents I made the mistake of entertaining the idea that my parents were being stolen from. Unfortunately both my parents and myself are overly and unfairly suspicious of others so my stepping in hindered more than helped and then for me to post it here at this site was a breach of confidence to both my parents and their workers. Not good! I messed up royally in that department but it has to do with social interaction which I don’t do well with. That was what part of my other thread was about and like you , I totally bomb at it when stressed. 
Perhaps most people do. 


I truly do enjoy interacting with you because you DO get it. I’m really sorry though that you don’t have a supportive husband. You certainly deserve one. That’s where I am truly blessed because my husband really is wonderful. I completely lucked out in the partner situation and have had plenty of amazingly supportive people in my life so I feel truly blessed in that department. I hope that didn’t sound arrogant or like I was rubbing in your face 


Yes I agree that we all have our vices. I also think what people do in their own lives is none of my business. For myself marijuana was better than sliced bread for most of my life. It’s not a perfect drug and definitely has it’s negative aspects but If it weren’t for this drug I wouldn’t be around. I’ve got a unique set of disorders that conventional medicine doesn’t quite work for; or at least it hasn’t for me. 
It’s not even that I’m against conventional medicine because I’m certainly not but I’ve had my share of being experimented on with many conventional drugs which not only didn’t work but became a  nightmare. 


That’s the main reason I got into holistic medicine and become a nutritionist. It’s not the same as a dietician but the courses helped me figure out my own health. Of course I still rely and medical doctors and nurses when I need them. 


That’s great that medical marijuana will be available in your state in less than a year. 
I find it exceptionally effective in dealing with chronic pain. When my husband had his teeth done and they hurt he used it and said it worked better than his prescription drugs, one being morphine and he isn’t really a user at all. 
Every now and then he uses. I like cookie form also but I also like to use my vape. It allows me to use a little bit without smoking so it doesn’t smell like it does when it’s smoked and is much healthier. 


Diabetes must be tough. I’d truly hate being diabetic cause like yourself I love sweets. 
I know I’m horrid for offering advice when not asked but using a bit of coconut oil works well for suppressing sugar cravings. A tablespoon in some warm water or tea might help. Ok I’ll stop there. Lol! 


I did get the thread removed. Luckily this forum has incredibly understanding staff and they most certainly did respond to my request. 
I also got another thread removed which I made without consideration of others which was so wrong of me. 


What are nerve root block shots and why are you getting them? Do you have a bad back also?


May I ask how well you do with friends socially?


How did you get such courage to look after abused foster children? 


I’m in awe of that part about you. My mouth literally hung open when I read that. When my man says he didn’t want kids the heavens rejoiced and I heard angels. I WAS terrified to marry and have children but having children would certainly have helped my narcissistic qualities diminish some. 
After all, caring for others isn’t self indulgent. I do however try and spoil the people in my life. The mouth filter is needed badly though.  Getting through the Christmas holidays was brutal at some points but luckily I have awesome in-laws. Most  have patience and understanding and the ones who don’t , don’t matter anyway. 


Thanks for the talk Aneeda. 
I really enjoyed that and  needed it :hug:


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 13, 2019)

Keesha,

i wrote a long reply and it failed to post.  Will try again tomorrow.  I hate it when that happens.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Apr 13, 2019)

Aneeda, please read this thread, it may help you to recover your post.  https://www.seniorforums.com/showthread.php/1-How-to-use-quot-Auto-Save-quot-no-more-post-loss!


----------



## Keesha (Apr 13, 2019)

Aneeda72 said:


> Keesha,
> 
> i wrote a long reply and it failed to post.  Will try again tomorrow.  I hate it when that happens.


That’s frustrating I know Aneeda. That’s happensd to me so many times that now I usually copy my post into ‘notes’ first. 
and please don’t stress yourself out answering my questions. It was a huge post. I feel bad for you. 
Have a wonderful evening


----------



## Keesha (Apr 17, 2019)

I’d like to mention that what I did to you in your diary is what I get the most angry about when I’m venting to my husband. 
He always thinks I’m looking for a solution to fix me and I’m not. I’m just talking for the sake of talking. 
For some reason I need to play the hero and have solutions to problems which are non of my business and don’t need fixing. 
I’m HORRIBLE for giving unsolicited advice and it really was grossly inappropriate of me. 
Now I’ll stop beating myself up. The really strange thing is that I don’t know where this annoying habit came from. Neither one of my parents were that way or anyone that I knew. 


Ive thought of another question for you.

Do you have any characteristics that resemble your parents that you swore you’d never be like but yet find you are and how do you feel about it?


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 17, 2019)

While I physically look like my mother, I went to great lengths to not pick up any of the "bad" parts of my parents.  But remember, I only lived with my father till I was 15 and my mother till I was 17.  I never saw my father again after I was 19.  Plus they both worked my entire childhood and I avoided them as much as possible when they were home.

My children, never knew my father, but know my mother well.  They said I am nothing like her.

I did pick up "racial/color" blindness from my parents, and a deep devotion to our country.  Both my parents believed in the color green, the almighty dollar.  A firm belief in God, country, and family from my paternal grandmother, and thus acceptance of all people no matter what their circumstances.

My brother picked up their love of green.  He is well off, and if I were dying of thirst he would charge me for his spit.  His son is a millionaire.  Once my sister in law said the thing she liked best about me was that I never asked them for financial help.  I'd rather die than do that.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 17, 2019)

Oh, Keesha, as I have said before you can write anything here.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 17, 2019)

Aneeda72 said:


> While I physically look like my mother, I went to great lengths to not pick up any of the "bad" parts of my parents.  But remember, I only lived with my father till I was 15 and my mother till I was 17.  I never saw my father again after I was 19.  Plus they both worked my entire childhood and I avoided them as much as possible when they were home.
> 
> My children, never knew my father, but know my mother well.  They said I am nothing like her.
> 
> ...



Thats very interesting. Your children never met their grandfather. That’s too bad but understandable. 
That love of money seems to be a popular theme. With my parents it evolved from living through the war. Rationings were needed and I think it became a habit. My parents are similar minus the religion and luckily I never picked up the penny pinching habit. 

Ive never asked my parents for financial help either but haven’t needed to but I do understand what you’re saying. 
There are more important things to worship than money but some habits are hard to break I guess. That’s just the way they are. 

Ive definitely picked up some habits/ characteristics  from my parents that I wasn’t quite aware of until the last year or so and am working on them. I’m hoping within time I can change things around some and if not just accept me as is worts and all. 

Later Anneda xx


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 19, 2019)

Keesha,

I have a few moments so I will start this.  The MRI of my C Spine (neck) was completed in April 2017.  I don't ever need to get another one.  This one is bad enough.

Alignment:  There is a slight degenerative retrolistheses of C4 on C5.

Disc spaces:  There is diffuse disc desiccation throughut the cervical spine.  Disc height loss is present throughout the mid and lower cervical spine.

Posterior elements:  Facet and uncovertebral join arthrosis is present throughout the mid and lower cervical spine.

C2-C3:  There is disc desiccation and slight disc bulging.  There is a small right paracentral posterior projecting disc protrustion.  

C3-C4:  There is disc height loss and disc desiccation.  Minor posterior disc bulging is present.  Bilateral uncovertebral and facet joint arthrosis creates mild left and *SEVERE *right C4 bony neural foraminal narrowing.

C4-C5:  There is disc height loss with disc desiccation.  There is slight degenerative retrolisthesis of C4 on C5.  Broad posterior disc bulging is present.  There is borderline spinal stenosis.  Bulky facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis is present.  There is mild left and *SEVERE *right C5 bony neural foraminal narrowing related to the facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis.

C5-C6:  There is mild disc height loss with disc desiccation.  Mild posterior disc bulging and posterior projecting osteophyte is present.  This disc bulging and osteophyte is larger in size towards the right.  Bilateral facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis is present.  There is mild left and moderate right C6 neural foraminal narrowing related to the facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis.

C6-C7:  There is disc height loss and disc desiccation.  Mild posterior disc bulging and posterior projecting osteophyte formation is present.  Bilateral facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis is present.  There is mild bilateral C7 neural foraminal narrowing related to facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis.

C7-T1:  There is disc desiccation.  Mild posterior disc bulging is present.  Right-sided facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis creates *SEVERE *C8 neural foraminal narrowing.

IMPRESSION:

Multilevel cervical spondylosis.  

What does this all mean?  My neck hurts, my neck hurts a lot.  I have pain from my neck, into my shoulders, down both arms.  My arms, hands, and fingers go numb on a regular basis and it is getting worst.  The lower part of my face goes numb from just above my lips on down.  The numb lips drives me crazy at time and I end up biting myself often when chewing.  The neck causes terrible headaches, and it also causes ice pick headaches where it feels like you are being stabbed with an icepick.

Fun Times?  Nope!  I'll do my thoracic spine next.  I have a great many problems in this portion of my spine and it will take more time.


----------



## bingo (Apr 19, 2019)

having had an even worse childhood....on into adulthood. ...i understand how life is made traumatic and unfixable by their actions....
i left after 57 years. ..not looking back...not subjecting myself to any more wrenching emotions....
i don't talk about it or dwell on any of it anymore...its like ive convinced myself that life never existed...
all hope for your healing


----------



## Keesha (Apr 19, 2019)

Hi Aneeda,
That’s a lot of damage and sounds painful. I’m so sorry you hace to endure this pain. 
How horrible. I hope you find some comfort somehow. 

What things bring you joy?


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 19, 2019)

So, my Thoracic spine:

I have a syringohydromyelia, essentially a syrinx.  This is a fluid collection in the spinal cord itself.  It is a malformation inside the spinal cord.  When full of fluid, it can cause direct pressure on the cord causing a host of problems.  Weakness, numbness, stiffness, pain, scoliosis, and incontinence etc.  I am fortunate in that my syrinx is self draining.  Otherwise, a needle is inserted into the syrinx, through the spinal cord, and fluid is drawn out on a regular basis.  Ugh.  When it drains, it feels wet like water running down my back.

MRI 2004

T7-T9 syringohydromyelia

MRI 2017

Alignment:  The thoracic kyphosis is exaggerated measuring 46 degrees.  There is minimal anterolistheses of C7 on T1 measuring 0.2 cm.

Vertebral Bodies:  There is very minimal loss of anterior vertebral body height at T5, T6, T7, measuring less than 10%.

Intervertebral discs:  There is multilevel thoracic degenerative disc disease.

There is a small left subarticular zone protrusion at T2-3.
There is a slight left subarticular zone protrusion at T4-T5.
There is a mild circumferential disc bulging at T5-T6, T6-T7, and T7-T8.
There is a small left subarticular and foraminal zone protrusion at T9-T10.
There is an interbody disc protrusion at T10-T11 as well as mild circumferential disc bulging.

Neural foramen:  There is mild bilateral foraminal stenosis at T8-T9 and T9-T10 related to degenerative change.

*Mild chronic compression fractures of T5, T6, and *with less than 10% loss of anterior vertebral body height.

A prominent superior endplate internal disc disruption of Schmorl's node is identified involving T11.  
*
There is a perineural nerve root sleeve tumor (a schwannomas) seen within the right foramen at the T9-10 level*.  Keep in mind this stupid tumor has settled where the syrinx. 

The schwannoma is where I truly get, pardon my language, screwed over.  It is cancer or it isn't cancer.  But I cannot get tested to find out.  Right now it is contained, touching it would release cancer cells into my system so no touching it.  It is in a really bad place as far as my spine is concerned.  Very hard to reach.  If it grows enough and touches the cord, it will make me a quadriplegic.  If it grows and they try to take it out, it is such a delicate operation, I risk becoming a quadriplegic.  I don't want to be a quadriplegic.  I am supposed to get an MRI on it every year.  MRI's are hard for me to do.  I have refused to continue the process.

Meanwhile, this stupid tumor on a spinal nerve root causes PAIN to my shoulder blade, pain which raps around my ribs. and pain into my chest.  Chronic continuous pain, as does my stupid neck.  It also causes other complications.

The fractures, OMG, they don't heal.  They just are there and painful.  Sometimes if I move wrong, something gets pinched and causes severe pain for several hours.  This area hurts all the time.  Once I moved wrong and screamed mindlessly for 15 minutes.

The Lumber Spine

I have a variety of different MRI's of my lumber spine.  Sometime before 2004 my disc at L4/L5 exploded in my sleep.  Pieces of the disc hit nerves etc.  I had my first surgery.  After surgery, I was still in extreme pain.  Another MRI, showed the first surgeon missed several pieces of the shattered part of the discs and those pieces migrated into the spinal cord and put pressure on the spine.  I had a second surgery to correct the first.  The first surgeon put the incision in the wrong place.  Resulting in nerve damage to a major nerve and anytime I have lower back surgery that incision must be used for blood loss to the skin in that area will occur.  Sigh.

MRI 2017  (Most of my MRI"s are done without contrast due to complications with my one kidney)

L1-L2  The posterior margin of the intervertebral disc is flat.  There is *mild facet* *arthritis*.

L2-L3  There is mild facet hypertrophy.

L3-L4  There is mild narrowing of the intervertebral disc.  The posterior margin of the intervertebral disc is flat.  There is *mild-moderate facet arthritis*.

L4-L5  There is mild generalized annular bulging and there is midline hyperintensity with the annulus compatible with a small annular tear.  There is bilateral facet arthritis.

Once again a major part of my post is missing.  It is half finished, I will finish it another time.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 19, 2019)

Keesha,

You also asked how I am socially.  I am very socially isolated at this time.  But I do ok when I am in social settings, I talk too much.  I don't do large gatherings.  I am no longer, for the most part, a door mat like I used to be. Therefore, if you push, I will push back if I think it is called for.  My husband hates that I stand up to him now.

It never occurred to me not to have children.  I knew I wasn't an abusive person so I never worried about this.  Although I married abusive men.  Sigh.

Bingo,

Lots of people's childhood were worst than mine.  When I hospitalized for the pnemonia and the beating my dad gave me, I was put on a children's ward.  I was around 7-10 years old.  She was three or four; and wrapped in lots of bandages.  She had been burned by her parents.  She was quiet. She died shortly after I entered the ward.

We all handle out pasts in the ways that work best for us.  Our parents must have been haunted by their childhoods to treat us so despicably.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 19, 2019)

Hi Aneeda ,


I’m so sorry you are in such pain. That’s such a shame. Your injuries sound extensive. 


Why are you so isolated now?


That’s good to know you are good in a social setting. That makes life run more smoothly. It appears that you do just fine in social settings. We have some things in common;large crowds being overwhelming, struggles with insecurities and learning to become more assertive without becoming arrogant and cocky. Me... needs work. 


That’s great that you had no worries about having children. You appear to be an excellent mother with lots of love and patience. For you to also adopt abused children is incredible. They are lucky to have you. 


My reason for not wanting children wasn’t at all that I was afraid I’d abuse them physically and intentionally. No way. That wouldn’t happen. What I worried about was passing down mental disorders and rare metabolic disorders. If I could stop a child from having a life plagued by these disorders then I would ‘cause they’ve been horrible to live with. 


You are right Aneeda. We do all handle our pasts in ways that work best for us. There have many years I needed a ‘no contact’ relationship. It  really was easier but then things shift and major change is required. It’s super stressful but required.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 20, 2019)

I am isolated because everyone in the neighborhood works but me.  We are the oldest couple, and everyone has young children at home.


----------



## Keesha (Apr 20, 2019)

Ok....


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 29, 2019)

With my daughter moving and taking her daughter and her daughter taking her daughter, I find I can no longer live in this house.  I just put a door between the family room and hallway to keep the baby safe.  We have two tables in the dining room so all of us fit.  We have enough chairs in the living room for all the adults.

I could go on.  This house, home, echoes with all their voices.  We bought it so we could all fit together, and have get togethers with all of us.  I will always hear her voice, calling from the front door, I will always see the baby crawling on the floor.  I will always be sad in this house.

As soon as possible, we will put the house up for sale, before the end of summer at the lastest, and move.  We have begun looking at apartments .  I will never buy a house again.  I am just too sad at the turn of these events.  At my last doctors’ appointment my doctor turned to me and said “you know your husband will die.  You need to make plans, soon.”

I plan to sell the house soon.  I plan to finish my days in an apartment.  I plan to be as little a burden to my son as I can.  Those, for now, are my plans.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Feb 13, 2020)

It’s been since March since I posted and I’m not sure I even remember how, but I have decided to add to the thread.  Lol, hate to leave everyone hanging without knowing the end.  I’m not even going to try and update the other places I posted on, nor am I reading through this thread at this time, or any other thread I’ve posted.  

Having one of those “filled with self pity” moments, unable to sleep or concentrate, trapped still in my stupid life due to my own mistaken choices, I’m back, lol.

Update on the family:  they are all doing great!  My daughter loves Texas, although why anyone would is beyond me.  I have adjusted, somewhat, to her move.  In reality we “talk” more now than we did when she just lived 25 miles away.  And while I never see her now, I rarely saw her then.  She now has seven poodles.  El Paso let’s you have as many dogs as you want so she doesn’t have to hide any of them.  She has nice neighbors.  Just got a new job and seems, despite the usual bumps in the road, to be doing well.

Long story which I won‘t relate since I don’t have enough time left in my life to do so, so very short version.  Her idiot daughter moved in with a guy shortly after they hit Texas, took the baby with her of course.  When that guy left, as we told her he would, my granddaughter got hit hard with the realities of life.  It’s a TV drama show for sure.  The result being once again Mom and dad rescue stupid young adult from desperate situation.  It was an extremely bad situation, but I’m happy to report not nearly as bad as first represented.  My idiot granddaughter and beloved great granddaughter are safely back home with mom and dad.  Despite early reports from CPS, baby is doing great.  Her mom, while not taking good care of herself, took, I would say under the circumstance, excellent care of baby.  Baby is now caught up on all her shots and shows no ill effects from the issues that occurred.

The major mistake my granddaughter made was in not contacting her parents right away.  As I am the queen of bad choices, I am not faulting her for those mistakes.  (Also I was a single mother at the same age my granddaughter is.  Although, I was married, left, and then divorced.  The end result was the same extreme poverty, no choices, but no CPS involvement, but things were different so long ago.  And I did call my mother-long story.). Anyway, I realize the desperation and struggles my granddaughter faced.  I did not have supportive parents who would have come when called.  I remind my daughter several times that granddaughter was well taken care of.

Ok, let me see if I can post this.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Feb 13, 2020)

My oldest son, after his open heart surgery, is doing great. He is back to hiking, working, normal life.  Went to Canada on a trip with his girlfriend/significant other, and agreed to stop to see his grandmother (my mother) who is 95.  She still lives in a senior complex by herself.  Still as mean as ever according to my brother.

I call him occasionally now, and while he never calls me, he has at least started accepting my calls.  This way I can check on mother without ever having to talk to her which is a blessing.  She hasn’t called me in a couple of months, maybe longer.  YAY.  Hopefully she has forgotten I exist.  But I did just send her a birthday card, sigh.  She’ll probably call.

I still take my son with DS out every Saturday.  Having a lot of stomach issues, and problems eating, when he noticed I wasn’t eating my fries he said:  “do you need help with those?”  Lol.  Yup, here you go.  Also see my other disabled son, who did not spend Christmas this year in the hospital-first time that happened in a long time. Gotta count the little blessings.

Hmm, I think I mentioned I rehomed the puppy I bought.  Still have Koda our standard poodle.  Sent him to board and train to try and get him to retrieve.  They finally resorted to force fetch techniques-the dreaded ear pinch and toe pinch.  His response was everyone could go pound sand.  He dropped the item in his mouth, laid down on the training table, and refused to move.  (Takes after my husband).  After two months we brought him back home, and he made it clear that if we wanted something picked up from the floor we better do it ourselves or not drop it in the first place.  Oh, well.  Trainers remarked that he was the most stubborn dog they had ever worked with.  Again, reminds me of my husband.

As for me, long story.  House sold, very stressful, moved to apartment which husband hates and, as usual, made my life miserable.  He decided to buy new house, very stressful search, and finally supposed to close on Friday.  But I am reviewing my options or at least pretending to myself that I have options to review, but more on that later.

Had the FNB test for thyroid cancer, been avoiding it for years.  Sigh.  Had the ultrasound, told I had cancer.  Saw the specialist who said it was cancer.  Had the truly awful and painful FNB test, not cancer.  I have started to refuse a great many medical tests, after this silliness I am inclined to refuse them all.  Oh well.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 13, 2020)

Life can be so hard, as we all know.  The great Toilet Paper shortage of 2020 reminds me of the sugar shortage when I was in my 20’s.  There really wasn’t a shortage, but people created one with panic buying.  Sigh.  Even then I rarely baked so I didn’t care, but, sheesh, I need toilet paper.

I am not afraid of the virus, nor of dying; but became overwhelmingly sad yesterday when the group home called and said due to a declared State of emergency in Utah by the governor, J, as an at risk person, would not be allowed to attend sheltered workshop.  But must stay home.

My husband and I fall into the high risk category due to age and disability.  My three surviving sons and daughter are high risk for health reasons as is my only bio granddaughter.  Sigh.  The virus could destroy my entire family.

I am not staying home.  I am not afraid.  I am washing my hands as always.  I am faithful to the God I believe in and realize this is just a stupid virus.  But I am saddened at the threat to my family, as are many others.  Meanwhile, if I could just find some regular toilet paper—-


----------



## Aunt Bea (Mar 13, 2020)

I'm not overly concerned about the virus I'm staying out of the way so that I don't end up contributing to the problem or becoming a burden on others.

Good luck to you and your family.

_"Call on God but row away from the rocks!" 

"Trust in Allah but do not forget to tie the camel!"_


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 13, 2020)

As usual, my body continues to break down.  My shoulder started to hurt three weeks ago, thought it was the packing.  Went to the doctor the other day who thinks I’ve torn my rotator cup.  Oh, goody.  She sends me to the “special doctor“.  Who, looks over my many health issues, and says “we certainly don’t want to do surgery on you”.

Yup, been here done this.  I will give you a shot with the longest needle I can find.  Put it in the wrong place the first time.  Pull it out and shove it in a hopefully less painful spot (it wasn't’), but the right place, at least.  And shove the med in.  Then order PT for three weeks.

If, in three weeks your shoulder is not better or the PT is too painful, I will order an MRI.  Nope, not doing an MRI, will do an ultrasound.  Ok, he says.  I will order an ultrasound and we will go from there.  But recovery from this surgery, if you have it, will be long.

Hmm, will it be longer than having an extremely painful, useless shoulder for the rest of my remaining life? I don’t think so, but that’s just my opinion having not been to medical school, uneducated little old me.

I use the rest room on the way out.  They have toilet paper.  Wonder if I could pry some out and hide it in my walker.  Would I get arrested if I get caught?  Would I rot in hell?  Would I have to confess the toilet paper crime to a priest? Hmm, I leave it behind.  Too much risk, too little paper.

As a side note, there is a nursing station on the way in to every clinic and hospital that our medical plan has.  You are required to stop and sanitize your hands.  (There is not one by the restrooms.  Feel free to not wash after gaining entrance and using the above.  Maybe we should do this in rebellion for them buying up all the toilet paper, and leaving none for our houses.)

On the way out you are required to once again sanitize your hands, leaving behind in the clinic the germs you may have gotten there.  Lol.  The stupidity of it all.  IMO.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 13, 2020)

I’ve eaten way too much today.  My stomach will make me suffer for it.  But such a frustrating week!  Eating helps keep me sane.  But the Gastroparesis is getting worst and the diarrhea I’ve had for two years, due to the laxatives for the Gastroparesis, whin.

My husband settled on this house giving many, what I knew to be false promises, but in the end I caved.  And right away, my savings were gone, again, and we are again in debt.  While we didn’t redo wiring we had to replace all the electrical sockets in the house and add a few outlets.

The rest of the needed outlets are difficult to add and extremely expensive.  We had to fix and upgrade the outside box and replace the inside electrical box which was actually a small outside electrical box which was wired wrong.  The house is now safe from an electrical fire as far as I know.

We fixed all the plumbing in the kitchen-we thought.  Expensive and they left a clog in the kitchen sink.  We will not use them again-this project is put on hold.  We need to fix the HVAC and add air conditioning-this project is put on hold.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 13, 2020)

The removal of the fifty foot tree was expensive, frustrating, and aggravating.  My husband, who decided he would be in charge of everything was not able to cope and has continued to make wrong decisions, because for 48 years I did it all.

He thought because “I could do it, it was simple“.  He has very little respect for me.  It’s not, as many woman know simple, to get servicemen.  His tree guy didn’t show up.  I knew he wouldn’t.  It was valentine’s day, lol, that guy was not going to come.  And he didn‘t.

I choose the next tree guy who came out on time, gave an estimate, came the next week, removed the tree, and some over the fence line branches on the other side.  The stump was taken out the next day.  Except the stump was in the fence, and the fence was ruined removing the tree.  Sigh.

My tree guy knew a fence guy-of course he did.  Its a small job and you can get serviceman for small jobs on Saturday and Sunday.  Utah is booming in house growth-7th in the nation, I think.  The fence guy came, used the same posts, three foot fence, and a gate on the other side.

But while even on the top, it’s short on the bottom due to uneven ground.  Sigh.  Uneven because the stupid tree was a Chinese elm.  All the sucker trees, along the fence, had to be pulled out, increasing the problem.  Both his dogs, and ours, can get under the fence.  We have to fix this.

But we can’t.  Because we are running store to store buying the essentials to keep us alive.  Will I be sad if I catch the virus.  Nope.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 15, 2020)

The roots of the tree extend under the narrow walkway next to the house.  At one end, the widest part of the walkway, the cement has lifted.  This makes the sidewalk drain all the water down to the backdoor which, since it’s level with the sidewalk, will cause flooding into the house.

Gee, lovely.  So we bought a thing to slip on the bottom of the door to help prevent flooding, and we will have to remove all this sidewalk and redo it before winter.  Hoped to get it done before spring but not happening.

Shopping again today, got enough distilled water now for a month.  This is a big relief.  Son asked if we could find hand wipes-nope.  No TP.  Got some canned potatoes, beets, peas, and chili.  Oh, and corn.  No green beans.  But Winco had ramen which was exciting to some shoppers.

It is interesting to see some which stores are out of what stuff, while other stores have plenty.  Saw some bread shortages at some stores but plenty at others.  We don’t eat much bread but have four loafs in the freezer for J as he eats a loaf a week.  Need to go check on my other son today.

A CNN projection today said that if was possible for a million people in the US to die of the virus in thirty days.  Ugh.  This reporting fuels the panic.  The neighbor of my son’s boss tested positive for the virus.  Since my son was in contact with his boss, he is at risk.  But neither my son nor his boss can get tested.

Meanwhile we go about our lives as usual.  Wipe our hands after shopping, wash throughly when we get home, but the reality is, like the flu, if you are going to get it-you will.  I had the flu shot, yet I had the flu.  It is what it is.  Daughter says no bananas in her area.  I hate bananas.  Lol.

Now, hopefully I can get more TP at some point. Lol.


----------



## win231 (Mar 15, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> The roots of the tree extend under the narrow walkway next to the house.  At one end, the widest part of the walkway, the cement has lifted.  This makes the sidewalk drain all the water down to the backdoor which, since it’s level with the sidewalk, will cause flooding into the house.
> 
> Gee, lovely.  So we bought a thing to slip on the bottom of the door to help prevent flooding, and we will have to remove all this sidewalk and redo it before winter.  Hoped to get it done before spring but not happening.
> 
> ...


I ordered TP on Amazon - 36 triple-ply rolls for $29.95.  Free shipping in 5 days.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 15, 2020)

You and I must have gone for the same roll, lol.  I tried to order today and it said they were out.  Give me my TP!  Lol


----------



## win231 (Mar 15, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> You and I must have gone for the same roll, lol.  I tried to order today and it said they were out.  Give me my TP!  Lol


I tried to order for a friend today - no luck.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 16, 2020)

I am supposed to get my washing machine fixed today.  When we moved and got into the house, I wanted to call a plumber to do the hook up and check the pipes.  I was over written by both my husband and son.  Will spare you those details.

At one point, my son, saying he would handle it as I became more and more upset at being ignored, said he was doing me a favor by helping me move.  The final straw and I blew.  After all I‘ve done for him for all these years, especially financial support.

After running ourselves ragged during his heart medical problem, he’s doing me a favor?  Ugh.  Anyway, they hooked the machines up, told me to do laundry.  The washer was broke during the move.  The laundry room and kitchen flooded, the new floors have to be replaced.

The insurance company is taking its time.  Some favor.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 17, 2020)

Washing machine fixed.  Plumber coming Thursday to replace the drain pipe and put a drain in the laundry room, they have to break into the foundation estimated cost 5000 dollars.  Might as well have them fix the clog in the kitchen drain.  Already spent 3000 on plumbing on this house.

Amazon says they will delivery my toilet paper today-down to one roll.  I hope it shows up, it’s only one package.  Need to get some more dog food if possible otherwise hope they like pasta.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 17, 2020)

TOILET PAPER thank you amazon!

Have a couple of weeks of TP at least, (there were 3 pkgs),  was also able to get two bags of dog food today, 5 pounds of ground beef, bread, 4 cans carrots and tomatoes, as the local small store restocks.  I suspect they hoard the toilet paper for regular customers as there was none and they said they had none.

Plenty of bread was delivered.  They are a butcher, as well, and I discovered at the end of the day they would sell 5 pounds of ground beef.  All other meats were sold out, but my tummy can’t process steak anyway.

Plumber coming Thursday, ugh, it will take forever to pay the credit card off.  Set up auto pay for the house payment.  Now everything is auto pay.  No one is sick in the family yet.  Husband set up the dog run we bought for our new puppies.

Henry is a 3 month old 25% border collie 75% poodle.  I bought him to play with Koda.  I thought we’d have to put Koda to sleep but a rescue that specializes in sick dogs took him.  Then we bought a 5 month old we named Aussie.  50% border collie 50% poodle.

The boys love each other to death and get along great.  Aussie was owned by a woman in Arizona who gave him to her brother here.  The family decided he was too “wild” and put him up for sale.  He’s great, he just needed a playmate.  While training them is delayed due to the virus, they are learning sit and wait.

I love puppies.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 18, 2020)

I don’t know which is more exciting-the earthquake or getting TOILET PAPER this morning.  Oh, wait, getting toilet paper, lol.  Aftershocks are still coming


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 18, 2020)

Well, the end to a long day and hopefully I can get some sleep.  I called Costco about my TP order, turns out the gave my stuff to someone else and sent me an email canceling my order.  Amazon also canceled 3 of my orders for TP.

Good thing I made my husband get up and go with me to the store.  While we waited in line to get into the store, another husband started complaining and his wife, lol, told him to shut up and stand there.  It had just rained, the wind was blowing, and we oldies were all cold and frustrated.

One older woman pushed ahead of the line and tried to force herself into the store when they opened the door for an employee.  She had a mask on, gloves, and seemed a little crazed.  We all just let her shove ahead.  Don‘t know what she was after, hope she got it.

We all got TP.  Will have to keep up on going to this store to try and maintain a supply.  My son‘s group home will need some TP as well.  They seemed unable to get it even during normal times.

Emailed my doctor about the two meds I needed and she replied she had sent them.  Walgreens had one, but, of course, didn’t have the prednisone.  Sigh.  Without that med, I die.  Lovely.  Just sent the doctor another email, asking her to resent the scrip.

Called my relatives in Seattle, all are well.  My son lost a lot of his collection of glassware in the quake so he’s a bit sad.  But I told him look at it this way, his girlfriend wanted him to move in when he was sick, but didn’t like his stuff.  Now it’s a non issue.  Lol.

The puppies were really upset by the 4.6 aftershock.  They have finally settled in for the night and stopped whining.  A neighbor came over introduced herself and commented that her dog has yet to settle down.  I have already meet her son and am not happy with these people.

Yesterday the son, who checks on his older in-laws, told me he took the day off to go over to the school and get the free food that they had set out.  Cause “you know they put out the food for the kids and no ones there.  It’s just setting on tables.  Go get some.”  I replied “I don’t have kids.”

Then this older woman says how she has a whole room in her house full of supplies.  But they felt the need to “steal” food meant for the poor children of our community.  This guy took a sack for him and one for his parents.  And they have lots of TP.  Sigh.

Yet another neighbor, when I mentioned we were almost out of TP, offered us a couple of rolls.  But now I have some.  Its amazing how different people react in these situations.  Oh well, tomorrow is another day.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 19, 2020)

When this is all over, I will need serious long term therapy for toilet paper anxiety.  I now have TP and the panic buying seems over and stores are restocking.  TP purchases, eggs, butter, and water are limited but you are able to get these items now.

I hope at some time my daughter can get bananas in Texas.  When I saw TP on the shelves I called my son to see if he needed to come get some, nope-he was good.  Oh, I see.  I was down to one roll, but he was good.  He just didn’t want to share.  

Same with my granddaughter who works in a large chain grocery and couldn’t get us any.  Hmm.  Yup, I am for sure going to need therapy.  As for being on call with a checkbook anymore, I think I’ve finally learned a lesson from this.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 19, 2020)

Couldn’t get my steps in today.  Wind, cold, rain, and a couple aftershocks kept me from walking to the local store.  Husband drove instead, got hamburger, fresh lettuce and couple tomatoes.  Had hamburgers for lunch, yummy.  Half cheeseburger for dinner.

He decided to wait till Saturday to take food to the group home.  Trying to get some frozen orange chicken which they love.  Go to smiths tomorrow and see if they have any.  Talked to sister in law in Seattle.  They are fine.  Staying in and getting groceries delivered.  How nice.

I am not in the groceries delivered income bracket, lol.  She said she didn‘t get the types of meat that she ordered.  Both our neighborhood grocery stores, which are right next to each other, have butchers.

Plenty of ground beef and other meats.  But “whole” meats are too difficult for me to digest.  Her son, daughter in law, and their daughters are all home and well.  They live in Seattle and she reminds me how the virus is there, as if I am not informed.  Sigh.

Oh, well, I listen nicely.  I will ignore the veiled insults.  I wish them the best.  They never call me, never.  If I die, it will be years before they know.  I imagine the conversation-haven’t heard from Aneeda in a few years, wonder if she died?  Lol.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 20, 2020)

Up early to get the senior hour at the grocery, stood in line, in the rain, got TP, water, and off to the next store.  Got orange chicken, fried rice, and potatoes for the group home, third store another fried rice.  Fourth store, ground beef and manwich for the group home.

Next drug store, they finally had my prescription.  Home again, pack up a variety of canned goods, the orange chicken, ground beef, manwich, fried rice etc trek over to the group home and deliver the food. 

Store five, sister in law needs wipes but thinks she can buy them on line.  Lol.  Store five has baby wipes, YAY, bought the limit and will mail them to sister in law.  Home again, check on and meet the older woman across the street, give her eggs.  Offer TP. 

Next is the Comcast store.  Our wireless box doesn’t work.  Pack it up, take it down.  Three employees stand outside.  Only one person in the store at a time.  The wipe the box down, tell my husband to follow the red lines, and stop in the red box which is six feet from the counter. 

The box is returned.  The clerk brings the new one, sets it on the counter, walks behind the counter, and tells my husband to get the box.  He does, leaves store.  LOL.  What do they do when they have to buy groceries, get gas, pick up their mail.  Silly.

We go back home.  No more shopping till Monday.  Rinse, repeat.  I’m tired.  Never shopped so much in my life.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 21, 2020)

The rain has stopped for today only and husband is working in the yard.  It is supposed to snow next week, oh, joy.  Tomorrow the plumbers are out again.  It’s Saturday, I want to take J out to lunch, as usual, I want to go to a movie; but I want the yard done as well.

Whose to say we wouldn’t have stayed home anyway.  The study is pretty clear of boxes now, the new bookcase from Ikea is put together, and now I can get the study done.  Be still my heart, lol.  I wish IKEA was still open though.  I still had some pieces to buy.

But they will be there when I reopens.  There are about 112 cases in Utah.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 21, 2020)

My husband got the fence line completed, yay.  We re-fenced this area after the tree was removed, but the ground is very uneven so the dogs could get under the fencing.  We had a lot of dog pen fencing which we had given to our son, and he gave it back.

We took this fencing, dug a shallow trench against the new fence, and put this fencing up. Thus filling all the gaps underneath the new fence.  It’s all the same color so it looks fine.  Next we will get some landscape timbers and line against the fencing to make a garden.

First we have to smooth out the yard.  We bought a tiller.  Yards require so much work, and I’ve always done the work in the past but no longer able so now he must.  Lol, he’s the one that wanted the dang house.  I’ll eventually put a flower garden along this side.

J called and said his roommate was driving him crazy.  Picked J up and brought him over, he planned to stay the day.  I think he just wanted pizza for lunch as he talked his dad into buying it.  Also I’m sure he’s bored to tears.  He usually goes to sheltered workshop. 

He is high risk so he has to stay home.  He also goes to work at a restaurant three times a week.  He wraps the silverware in napkins and puts the butter in cups.  We call him buttercup now.  Lol.  The restaurant is closed.   He stays home with a staff member.

Brought him to the house, and since his dad was working outside all day, he laid in his dads bed and watched tv all day.  First time he saw Aussie, 50% border collie 50% poodle and Henry, 25% border collie, 75% poodle.  Henry threw up this morning and is on crate rest.

A very uneventful day.  J is staying for dinner then going home.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 22, 2020)

Yay though I walk through the shadow of death
I shall carry a package of toilet paper with me 
In case I spot an outhouse
You just never know.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 22, 2020)

I have discovered that while I never bought quilted northern toilet paper in the past, and will never buy it once things return to normal, sigh, I will buy it now-as often as I can.  Embrace the quilt!  Got my ration of TP today.

Its funny, Smiths only lets 25 shoppers in the store at one time and you must stand in line and wait till your section is let in.  It‘s still quite cold here, rainy, and it’s supposed to snow next week.  Us seniors will die of the flu, pneumonia, or something besides the virus while trying to score our TP.

We passed up the smith’s, the line was too long and it was too cold.  We went to another chain store which lets whoever in, no lines, no quota.  They had their TP under lock and key in the office along with the distilled water.  Hmm.  

Since we can’t leave tomorrow, plumbing repairs will take all day, we had to go out today.  Just went to a couple stores, TP, water, distilled water.  Bought some fried chicken.  You’d think it was the last fried chicken my husband would ever see and he acted like a jerk about it.

I told him to eat all of it, and the salad, and whatever else we had he felt he couldn’t live without.  It’s not the first time he’s behaved this way, won’t be the last; but it drives me crazy.  I had a hot dog.  I actually could eat hot dogs three times a day, every day for a month or more.

He swears he doesn’t have food issues, but he does-big time.  Six months ago I told him I was going to have a bowl of his Frosted Flakes.  (Don’t dare touch “his” food without telling him.)  I rarely eat cereal, but every now and then.  Anyway poured myself a bowl.

He gets up, walks over, and says, “You know, you could buy your own box of cereal.”  Seriously?  I pour the cereal back into the box and walk away.  Yup, he doesn’t have food issues.  Lol.  In this new house we each have our own cupboard with his and her food.  

My cubby has cream of wheat, prunes, raisins, and my laxative.  Stuff he’d never eat.  His has, yup, 3/4 types of sweetened cereal.  LOL.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 23, 2020)

So the house flippers put the new laminate flooring over a moldy older floor in the small laundry room.  Sigh.  Eventually we will have to have that whole floor replaced.  For now he has torn up a portion of it and is jackhammering up the slab in order to put a drain in.

It was very wet underneath from when the washer floodEd that room which was about three weeks ago.  Insurance company still hasn’t gotten the guys to come measure the damaged areas.  The kitchen was partially flooded as well. 

If the insurance ever responds, we will at least get some money.  Entire kitchen floor has to be replaced.  Life in an old house-so wonderful.

My husband may lose his job due to the virus, as well.  A decision will be made sometime this week I believe.  Still having quite strong aftershocks from the earthquake.  Yesterday’s aftershock was 4.1.  Lovely.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 23, 2020)

It’s bad enough I have to deal with earthquakes, aftershocks, rain, hail, thunderstorm, expected snow, two puppies, and my husband; but God save me from plumbers.

Therapist called canceled PT, wonderful cause I didn’t want to go anyway.  Then I called and canceled my appointment with my Ortho, didn’t feel like going.  Plumber was here all day, stress ate, all day.  I know better.  My stomach is killing me.

Sigh.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 24, 2020)

The first time with the plumber we replaced the garbage disposal with was broke and leaking.  I wonder why the home inspection did not show this, guess the inspector didn’t look.  He also put shut offs on the lines to the dishwasher and refrigerator ice maker.  My husband had to have the ice maker hooked up.  It costs 828.00 for that service-a line that ran maybe 3 feet.

I hope he chokes on the ice.  497 for the garbage disposal and about fifty dollars to put in the line for the gas stove because the hot water heater is on the other side of the wall, all total about 1800.00.

Garbage disposal didn’t sound right from the beginning but what do I know?  New plumber says it broken.  Plus the drain plugged, sigh, old plumber must have known this.  Gas line, which was just a small piece, was the wrong one so the stove sticks out.

Called the old plumber, yup I’m upset, they sent a different guy out.  They will replace the garbage disposal and the gas line.  Cause we have nothing better to do than sit around dealing with plumbers.  This company quoted 5500 to fix the laundry room drain and install a floor drain.

New plumbing company replaced the laundry room drain, installed a floor drain, replaced the pipes under the sink, and cleaned both drains to the sewer line.  Cost 2000.00.  Obviously got “taken” by the first company and will never use them again.

The company we use for our electrical work has a plumber.  We’ve used this company for years.  Their electrician is great.  We used their plumber to change out a toilet, he did it wrong, flooded the upstairs bathroom, and my downstairs bedroom.  Sigh.

Fixing the laundry room entailed cutting out a large section of the new laminated flooring and replacing the pipes caused a large section of the wall to be removed.  He also ended up putting a hole in the other wall behind the piece of wall he took out.

There was mold under the flooring, already, because the washer flooded.  All of this has to be fixed.  This job has to be put off.  The credit card has to be paid down a bit, well, a lot, to make room for repairs to the HVAC system.  Ugh.  Old houses.

Plumber found more work that needs to be done.  Electrician found more work that needs to be done.  We still have to add insulation in the attic, there is none and replace the roof.  I will die before this house is actually livable, but, hey, it’s the house my husband wanted.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 24, 2020)

Hopefully it is fixed, but seems good now.  Now I have to go around and wipe everything the plumbers touched, sigh, what’s with men that they have to touch or lean on everything.  Now I’m tired, lol.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 24, 2020)

Calamity-I will remember you forever.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 25, 2020)

After telling my husband Monday night that his work would stay open, Tuesday night they decided to close the building.  He was given a few choices-use all his vacation time, take unpaid leave, work at another building they have when work was available, or work from home.

Of course, he is working from home.  Son will come help him set up the computer and hopefully get him connected.  I told him from now on he might as well work from home and not ever go back in.  In normal times it requires a note from his doctor so he might have to tell them about the lung cancer which we have been trying to avoid doing.

Son came yesterday and removed more flooring from the laundry room so it would be even for the washer which is supposed to be hooked up today.  What a mess, but cannot afford the remodel to fix it all so it will just stay that way for now.

There was already mold from the flooding and old mold from when it must have flooded before.  Annoying.

Rained, then snowed a couple of inches-too dangerous to go shopping even without the virus, lol.

My daughter is sick.  Granddaughter went to day care for the first time, came home sick, and now my daughter has pink eye, sinus infection, and an ear infection.  I told her this won’t be the last time this happens.  Granddaughter got RVS, had to go to ER, and get breathing treatments.

Daughter said they shut down their city today even though there are few cases.  Both her and husband work from home but there daughter, who recently got a job, takes the bus to work.  Don’t know how long that will last.

Oh, one of the cute young plumbers said he just asked his girlfriend’s father permission to date her before the shut downs started.  (Traditional Hispanic family). Dad said yes, but now they can’t date cause there is no place to go.  Aww.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 25, 2020)

The end to another day.  I’ve pretty much stayed in for 6 days.  My shoulder is killing me and I can’t get an ultrasound for several more weeks.  Most elective stuff has been cancelled.  Happy that my washer is working and did a lot of washing today.

Clean sheets are wonderful.  Washed a couple of my blankets, got the towels done, and now my shoulder hurts a lot and I’m tired.  Had to keep the pups in all day, snow, rain, and mud.  Husband tracked mud all over but made him clean it up.  Then he did it again.  Sigh.

Made the egg salad, yummy.  Otherwise sat and watched tv all day, colored in my books with my pencils, and that’s pretty much it.  I‘ll stay home tomorrow, shop Friday, see J Saturday and rinse, repeat.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 27, 2020)

Last night, at 2am Henry had diarrhea in his crate.  Ugh.  His tail was covered in it.  Gag.  Dropped him into the bath tub and got him as clean as I could.  He was very good about it, stayed put while I washed him down and grabbed a towel.

Today I’ll find the puppy shampoo, which we just bought and he will get a better cleaning and a comb out.  The grooming stores are all closed.  You’d think the dogs have the virus.  It was totally my fault.  Didn‘t get him out in time, but had taken him out at midnight.  He usually doesn’t go till 4am again.

Mopped the floor yesterday, now have to redo.  Sad.  Giving the house a full cleaning, since when it’s husband turn, he skips a lot of areas.  And he won’t dust.  All that work and now I have to redo it.  Plus wash walls, tails can sling a lot of poop.

Finally got husband to hang last set of curtains.  Moved a bookcase to a better place.  Husband worked at home last night so that is working out for him.  Sent him off to the store this morning for stuff we are out of, I am staying home and babysitting the washer till I’m sure it’s really fixed.

Washing dog’s stuff.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 27, 2020)

Picture hanging day.  YAY.  The house turns into a home, the walls covered with pictures of my family.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 28, 2020)

Picked up J who is spending the day with us:

Mom why can’t I go to work?  
Mom why can’t we eat out?
Mom why do I have to stay home?
Mom am I the only one who can’t eat out?
Mom why can’t I go to the store with dad?
Mom when will the virus be over?

Try explaining to a mentally retarded person why HIS world has changed.  He can’t read, he can’t write, he can’t see his friends, his friends can’t visit him, he can’t go to work-his work is closed.  Right before this happened his girlfriends parents got permission to take them out.

Now, they can’t see each other.  Both have Down’s syndrome.  Remember, it’s always harder for someone else.  He will be fine, we will be fine, you will be fine.

As long as you have toilet paper and panda for lunch, LOL.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Mar 28, 2020)

A very calm pleasant day.  Got J, husband tried to order Panda on line on his phone but it didn’t go through for some reason.  Then he took my iPad, tried again, and while the order went through he didn‘t get a confirmation number, so it still didn’t go through.  Sad

By this time we all just wanted lunch-big macs to the rescue, lol.  Yummy though.  My son said we shouldn’t eat take out cause it increases the risk of getting the virus.  My daughter says that’s silly, they had take out last night.

But it was good.  J went home after lunch.  I spent the rest of the day watching TV, and coloring with my colored pencils.  Also on the forum.  I am not playing my computer game as my shoulder hurts to much.  But in another week or so I’m going to give it a try.

It hurts to color, but I can stop and rest my arm.  Husband has to take the puppies in and out since I can’t use the leash for the older stronger puppy and why bother taking out the younger one when he can do both.

Snowed again today.  Very cold.  I’ve not gone shopping for a while.  It hurts to wear a bra.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 14, 2020)

Extremely frustrating day.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 15, 2020)

What a day yesterday.  J called he needs bread, oatmeal, and a couple other things since we planned on shopping yesterday anyway, np.  Then he calls again.  Oh cheese.  What kind of cheese.  Both kinds.  Sigh. 

Conversations with J on the phone can be painful.  Do you want shredded cheese?  Yes, and American.  K.  Go shopping.  And yay, Winco had wipes, one to a customers.  Get everything need and go to the Winco on the other side of town.

They have wipes as well.  Two to a customer, we get two of each kind.  We are set, take the stuff to J, plus more canned goods that we had bought earlier.  Go home and start working on the garden.  Sigh.  J calls at 5 in the evening.  He is out of distilled water.  Wait. Took him a new bottle three days ago.

He can’t possibly be out.  As I question him on the phone he just gets more and more upset.  Sigh.  I call the director, and she has the nerve to tell me he probably did something with it.  He’s been on the machine since he was 10 years old.  Never had a problem 23 years and now, all of a sudden, one bottle disappears and the water is all gone from the other.

I have to hang up the phone before I explode.  I do I tell her I am calling unified, I’m calling adult protection supervision, and I am .  Grab another bottle of distilled water, cause they aren’t going to go get him one, and take it to J.

Also steamed at him, he should have told me earlier he was out of water.  I tell the aid to put the water in the locked room, and only staff is to touch it.  The director has gotten hold of the social worker and they are also going to chart when they put it into the machine to see how much is used every day.

OMGosh.  The machine takes a half gallon a month, always has, give me a break.  When we get him on Saturday, we are going to take a picture of home much water is left in this bottle.  We start to leave and J says he’s out of milk.  Sigh.  Of course.

We go to the gas station, get gas and MILK, take the milk to J.  Go back home.  Called son who convinces me not to call unified or adult protection supervision and see how the tracking goes.  We will see.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 17, 2020)

In truth, buying this house was like buying the previous house with him, a pronouncement, I am buying this house-I hate the apartment.  I had the choice of moving to the house or the street.  Hmm.

During the move my dresser got broken.  Both of our dressers are the same, but mine was the one that got scratched up and two drawers broken.  We were able to get two new drawers from ikea but since they are a little different they don’t close right.  One of my bookcases was broke well.

All but three of my dragons from my collection were broken.  Some of my stuff went missing although I packed it all and have no ideal (well some ideal) what happened to it.  This has happened every time we move.  I’ve learned not to get attached to stuff.

Anyway, one of the reasons he said we needed to move was so I could have an office, cause I have to sort and file the paperwork, and I‘ve wanted a place to spread out and do my genealogy, and get my computer out of my bedroom.  I hadn’t finished unpacking, just got to the study when the virus hit.

And now he works at home, in my study.  A small room, which is why is wanted a 4 bedroom not a 3.  He has the largest bedroom, the accessible shower, and easy access to the laundry room, because, as he said yesterday I got the other two bedrooms.  Sigh.  But I don’t.

It will take me two days to move my stuff out of the study and crunch it into my bedroom.  I am doing that now.  Can’t have my computer chair, he needs that, can’t have my computer table, it won’t fit into my bedroom.  Can’t have the new bookcase I bought, he will take that.

Trapped, always trapped.  Have to take the door off my bedroom to fit a bookcase in.  Put my small dresser in my closet.  had to put planting my flowers on hold, since he decided not to, but I can’t do it today since I have to move my stuff.  Can’t use my computer till I get a longer cord.


----------



## Aunt Bea (Apr 17, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> What a day yesterday.  J called he needs bread, oatmeal, and a couple other things since we planned on shopping yesterday anyway, np.  Then he calls again.  Oh cheese.  What kind of cheese.  Both kinds.  Sigh.
> 
> Conversations with J on the phone can be painful.  Do you want shredded cheese?  Yes, and American.  K.  Go shopping.  And yay, Winco had wipes, one to a customers.  Get everything need and go to the Winco on the other side of town.
> 
> ...


Aneeda, 

I'm curious about the group home and how it operates.

Is this a temporary situation due to the virus.

Do they normally work with J and his housemates to do their own shopping, anticipate their needs, budget, etc...

It seems like that should all be part of an independent group home situation in an effort to wean these folks away from as much family support as possible.  

I know it sounds cold and I don't mean it that way I'm just curious as to what if anything they do to prepare these kids for an independent future.

Thanks, B


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 17, 2020)

Hmm, they used to put everyone who was mentally retarded or disabled in a state hospital.  Then they stopped this practice, time line varied from state to state, except for those that needed a hospital setting.  Which would be very medically needed, very aggressive, or sexually inappropriate. 

The group homes are cheaper.  Think of a group home as assisted living, or government housing for seniors.  Once in, you usually don’t leave;  but you can change organizations and therefore, houses.

They are state and federally funded.  They are not due to the virus.  You have a disabled child by whatever means.  At birth in our state, if you are smart and knowledgeable, you sign up for a group home.  We signed J up when he was 7 So he would have a spot available.  Now it’s best to sign up at birth.

Anyway, group homes are independent living situations.  If you could live on your own, you wouldn’t need a group home.  Disabled children become disabled adults.  I remember when this one kid came to live at J’s first group home.  He simply sat on the floor. 

He had Downs Syndrome, like J.  His mom had died.  She hadn’t prepared him to leave home.  He missed her so much.  He didn‘t understand.  A year later they finally got him to sit in a chair.  J saw his brother leave and his sister leave.  He was prepared and wanted to go.

At the first home, they did everything for them.  It was easier for the staff, and J lost many skills.  In his current home he does most everything himself.  He is learning to cook and asked for a cookbook for Xmas.  He has two male roommates.  Staff is at the house 24/7.  He pays rent on the house and they split expenses except food. Each guy gets food stamps.

Normally he goes to sheltered workshop and works 3 times a week at a restaurant.  But he is considered high risk and must stay home until everyone is back to work.  He is taken shopping and is quite the shopper.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 17, 2020)

Happy to answer any other questions.  You can google group homes and probably get better explanations


----------



## Aunt Bea (Apr 17, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Hmm, they used to put everyone who was mentally retarded or disabled in a state hospital.  Then they stopped this practice, time line varied from state to state, except for those that needed a hospital setting.  Which would be very medically needed, very aggressive, or sexually inappropriate.
> 
> The group homes are cheaper.  Think of a group home as assisted living, or government housing for seniors.  Once in, you usually don’t leave;  but you can change organizations and therefore, houses.
> 
> ...


Thanks.

That is pretty much how it works in my area.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 17, 2020)

Got most of my stuff moved , lol, hardly enough room to walk through my room.  Now I am tired.  Have to buy a curtain to put up for a door.  Had to put a bookcase where the door opened.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 18, 2020)

I a, thinking about putting up a double barn door to cover my bedroom and the hall bathroom.  The bathroom is small, if I remove the door I can put a hamper in their for towels.

Since I removed bookcases from the living room to use in my room, I now have to rearrange the entire living room.  So tired, a woman’s work is never done.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 19, 2020)

Can’t sleep.  I remember so many times waiting for my boys when they had surgeries, waiting when they had pneumonias, waiting always waiting to see if they would live or die.  Trying not to be mad at the worker who put so many lives at risk.  

But if my kid has the virus, yup I’ll be more than mad.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 20, 2020)

I find that I am just sad about so many things it’s almost overwhelming, I think the news about T has pushed me over my limit of bad news.  . Still waiting for those results.

Anyway, spent yesterday moving my things out of my study and making it into his study.  I guess it’s good some of my stuff disappeared or got broke in the move since my bedroom is small.  Crunching it all in.  Later I will put stuff on my computer genealogy program, take a few months, and throw notebooks and paper away which will give me more room.

So far he’s broke every promise/agreement he made to me in regards to getting me to agree to buy this house.  Typical.  Also returned some plants that I bought.  He took last week off to work on the back yard and finish it.  Told him it wouldn’t happen, it didn’t.

He got a small area done.  Got the dog run moved which was important, but with the mood I’m in I don’t even want the puppies.  Also got the living room cleaned, kitchen and dining room are next.  Oldest son came over, and true to his word, mowed our laws.  WOW, so impressed that he did this.

Saved us from buy a lawnmower, eventually there will be no grass.  We are both allergic to grass.  Well, more housework, more stuff to move, better get to it.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 20, 2020)

Really bad tummy ache today, pretty sure it’s due to the issue with T.  His test was negative, so now we wait for 14 days to see if he gets sick.  So crazy!  

Pretty much have everything moved and rearranged.  Put a curtain across my door so I have privacy.  Next summer I hope to put a double barn door up.  One for my bedroom and the other for the hall bathroom which is small


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 24, 2020)

I am so cold all the time, just freezing so I look on line and yup it’s my fibromyalgia.  I’m not sure if I have flares any more or just fibromyalgia with a few lesser symptoms every now and then.  This pain on top of all the other pain makes it impossible to function lately.

Even if the virus weren’t here I would be unable to go out.  Ugh.  At least I got the puppies all set with their shots.  But I am getting really tired of tv, seen all the movies I want to see, and since my computer cord came last night I can now play my computer game.

But I really want to be outside.  Husband rented the tool to break the concrete up next to our house and will be doing that shortly.  Hopefully he won’t break the house, but with him, yup, it could happen.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 30, 2020)

My son is happy.  They got a 4th roommate today who has DS as well.  My other son is still in lockdown.  Got a shopping list from him popcorn, cake, and hamburgers-the essentials of life.

I don’t feel well today, think I had a TIA, really off balance, bit hard to walk, and a crappy headache.  Also ankles are swollen, chest hurts, so my heart failure is alive and well. Did not sleep last night either.  Ugh.  Been sitting on my butt too much.

The small retaining wall husband is building is looking really good.  I asked him what he wanted to do with the rest of the yard.  He is undecided.  Rocks delivery is tomorrow, can not wait to get them put in the dog run.  The boys will be cleaner.

Both go to grooming tomorrow for a haircut, , too bad I can’t get one.


----------



## Aneeda72 (May 1, 2020)

So yesterday evening I settled down in my room to watch tv and play my computer game.  It’s 8 pm and I only got 2 hours sleep last night but can’t sleep due to a variety of issues.  My husband walks into the room, panicked look on his face, and announces he has to go to the ER.  Sigh.

Why?  There’s blood in the toilet.  Sigh.  Why is it that bleeding scares him so much?  A year ago a vein popped in his lower leg after a shower, blood everywhere.  Call the paramedics he screams, I bleeding.  Sigh.  Why can’t he call his own paramedics?  Paramedics came, couldn’t even find a hole anywhere.

Bleeding stopped, told him he didn’t need to go to the hospital.  Yup, he insisted, I took him.  He was fine.  Before then a hemorrhoid, bled a little, yup, ER.  Sigh.  Can’t it wait, I asked him.  Nope, it’s a lot of blood.  Sigh.  Yup, off to the ER.

I drop him off, son will bring him home.  They can’t find anything wrong.  Son brings him home.  If it happens again, come back.  . The man can not stand the sight of his own blood.  .


----------



## Aneeda72 (May 5, 2020)

Quite the day today, today.

Oldest son told us he may have to have another more dangerous open heart surgery.  I have to wonder if that is why he has become more available in helping us with back yard.  I don’t think I could survive a fourth son dying before I do.  It just adds to my sadness and worry.  I assume his return to work order will be May 18.

Second son has gotten the all clear the virus.  Social worker asked is he could return to work on May 18.  I hate it that our state is opening up with the virus on the rise, but it doesn’t matter since most are ignoring the stay at home, where masks when you go out orders anyway.  2769 cases with 29 deaths in our county, 5317 cases 50 deaths in state.

I told the worker, it was up to our son as long as the risks were explained and he wore a mask if he could tolerate doing so.  While he is extremely physically disabled, he is slow normal medically and can made his own decisions.  Therefore, I have to let him.  Like any adult his wishes would overrule mine anyway.

Third son, might be able to return to his work on May 18 as well. He must wear a mask and I’ll ask about social distancing.  His lung issues may him high risk but he is anxious to go after being home for 6 weeks.  I have more control of him since I have guardianship of him.  But I can’t require the company to continue to keep him a home when the stay at home order is lifted.

My husband‘s stay at him order will be lifted May 18.  He’s already been notified.  I’ve told him to get a note from his doctor to continue to work at home, he qualifies to continue to do so.  But so far has refused.

I had my appointment with the ortho who is sending me to the surgeon.  He greatly doubts I will be able to have surgery even though they have starting doing elective surgeries again.  He is not sure a surgery will help my shoulder enough to be warranted due to the risk caused by my preexsisted conditions.

But since I survived hip replacement I think that argument is uncalled for.  However, they might make me go to a major hospital for the surgery as they did for my hip.  The place these doctors work at is an orth hospital, not a surgery center, but I am too high risk for it.  Patients who die affect the doctors “stats”, it makes them more cautious.  The larger hospital puts me at more risk because of the virus patients.  Sigh.

The stupid large skin tear keeps me wakes me up at night due to pain.  Why do things hurt so much more at night?  I wish one of these doctors had done an X-ray to make sure the bone was ok.  Even a large skin tear should not hurt this much.  Stupid thing continues to leak blood, and some of the skin is starting to die.

I hope it dies and doesn’t rot.  I had the skin on one tear rot.  It was really disgusting.  I notice that a small skin tear on my haNd is not healing.  The hand always takes much longer for some reason.  Plus the arthritis in my fingers of that hand is getting worst, more painful, and more crippling, going to ask for an X-ray of it.


----------



## Aneeda72 (May 5, 2020)

Things are starting to open.  We have such trouble with on line ordering we’ve only got fast food when out and about.  Today we got philly state sandwiches at our favorite place.  Husband went inside, ordered, and we ate it nice and hot in the parking lot, sitting in our car under a shade tree.

While seating was available inside, not doing that till cases stop rising in our area.  The cases are much higher than reported, since cases on Indian reservations are not reported as ours even though they are in our state.  They are considered on federal land and not state.

Got more veggies in this afternoon.  Bought some on sale roses, going back tomorrow for more hope they are still there.  Will have to pay delivery fee to have more rocks delivered.  Son has been using the trailer and bringing them over.  With his heart info, we are stopping that.

We are considering rehoming one of our puppies.  But for now we have sectioned the dog run into two sections.  The older by two month pup,Aussie, sometimes beats the crap out of Henry.  I’ve got to use the hose on Aussie to stop it.  Lately, he grabs Henry’s collar and chokes him from behind.

Aussie gets very upset if he thinks we are taking them into the house and starts a fight to be first in line to leave the dog run.  But Aussie is first into the dog run in the morning, and last out at night.  Getting him in is easy.  He will run out the house, sit by the gate, and go in since he gets a treat.

Coming out is hard and Aussie chooses the freedom over the yard over a treat so he must be leashed. Trying to leash up both dogs is nearly impossible with both attempting to escape the dog run and play chase the puppy.  The addition of the fighting makes it nearly impossible.

Tomorrow I will put the e-collar on Aussie and start training him.  Aussie is under the impression he is the boss.  He is not.  I am the boss.  As soon as it is warm enough, he will be sent to board and train if they open again.  Big surprise for him.  .

They are both good dogs, too smart, too strong willed, and in for a surprise.  Couple more weeks and I will order an e-collar for Henry.  While Aussie is very treat trainable, Henry is not due to his tummy issues and his lack of interest in treats.  Hopefully I stay well enough to train them.  It’s been an issue lately and two pups is probably one too many.


----------



## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

Well, we still have both pups.

I have to see my doctor Friday, ugh.  My doctor appointments are 2-3 hours long, hate going in.  Why she just wouldn’t prescribe the medicine I wanted is beyond me.  Plus she wants to check the wound, even though another doctor just checked it.

It is still leaking blood, waking me up at night, and i think the skin will all die as it has bubbles under it.

I have a butterfly rash on my face as well.  Last time that occurred I had to be hospitalized.  Yeah, that’s not happening.  Oh, well, back to the gardening.


----------



## Aneeda72 (May 7, 2020)

So today has started out good, I can actually see my ankles, the swelling, from water weight, has gone down.  Legs are more comfortable.

The wound on my arm is getting better.  My bandage didn’t stick this morning and hardly any blood on it so it is healing. Still aches a lot.  The ends haven’t closed together.  Sigh.  Still sure that I will lose the skin.  Oh, well, what’s another scar.


----------



## Aneeda72 (May 29, 2020)

It is a sad day.  We decided to rehome our puppy.  It is unfair for such an active dog to be saddled with two older inactive people.  I paid quite a bit for him for it took a while for my husband to come around.  I think my husband forgets some time that I have my own money.

 We seem to want dogs, but be unable to keep dogs.  I actually talked about this to my doctor and no one will like her answer, I didn’t.  Anyway, I take very good care of his shots, just had him fixed, and have taken him to the local humane society where they can find him a more appropriate home.

We kept Aussie who has less poodle in him.  He is very treat motivated and able to calm himself down quite quickly.  Plus we are one dog people, we just have to face that fact.  Two dogs is one dog too many.

I am writing this here, so whenever I think I can have a second dog, I remember I CAN NOT!  It is not fair to the dog.  I can not afford it.  And it always ends up badly!!


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jun 1, 2020)

Aussie, our remaining puppy is doing well.  I think after the excitement of having a brother wore off, like many children he realized he didn’t want a brother after all.  .  I miss Henry but he was a very needy puppy and very vocal.  I don’t miss his high pitched whine.

I finally put four people on ignore.  I hated to do it, I really did.  I enjoy talking to people and learning their points of view.  But, due to my background, I tend to endure and put up with a lot of abuse.  I seem to attract abusive people like chum attracts sharks.  I am trying to change this aspect of my personality.

I assumed they wouldn’t let me go easily.  I was right.  I assumed they would make comments about me on the forum.  I was right.  This behavior, of theirs, reassures me that I have made the correct decision in doing this.  

I have read nothing of theirs since I put them on ignore.  After all, when I left the forum for a while because of someone, I wasn’t reading or posting anything, that was “running away” as @win231 remarked.  I refuse to do that again.  

Maybe instead of acting like a five year old @win231, I’m acting like an adult.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jun 1, 2020)

Another word on the ignore function.  While it doesn’t show you what someone said, it does give you a choice to see what someone has written.  This is silly to me, if I wanted to see what someone was writing on a thread I was on, I wouldn’t have put them on ignore.

I have not and will not look at what anyone I have on ignore has written.  Ever.  If I look at it, I might be tempted to respond and then, once again, I am engaged in useless back and forth conversations with people I have already decided not to “speak” with or listen to.

I have never been a curious person.  It was hard at first, but as time goes by it is less and less hard.  I just wish the people I put on ignore would put me on ignore.  But I have no way of knowing whether or not they have.  . Oh well.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jun 1, 2020)

1807 law Invoked.  Almost speechless.   More blah, blah, blah from our leaders.  People think he won’t do it, I hope he doesn’t do it.  But I think he will do it.  Called my entire family, told them all to stay in until we see what happens.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jun 2, 2020)

Interesting enough one of my posts was edited because I mentioned the name of a person that I ignored.    I’ve seen this is a common practice on the forum, to let people know you are ignoring them, how else would they know?  I mean Pecos told me he was putting me on ignore.

I thanked him for telling me.  I wish there was a way to see a list of people who have you on ignore.  That would be interesting, or maybe there is a list and I just don’t know how to look at it.  Also, it would let you know who not to waste your time responding to.

In any event, I don‘t disagree with the moderator‘s decision.  I didn’t go back and search for the post that was edited. I assume they complained, maybe they didn’t.  I don’t care either way.

What I don’t understand is why they care so much that I am ignoring them.  They certainly must realize why I put them on ignore.  I am mildly curious, but not curious enough to have a look, .  I think since I put them on ignore, I should, well, ignore them.

Therefore, it was my mistake to mention their name, since I acknowledged whoever it was.  A hard habit to break, not to acknowledge someone.  The moderators decision was correct.  I will be extra careful in the future to not do this again.  It is a learning curve.

Duh me.  I have to correct my post once I reread an alert.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Oct 15, 2020)

I am convinced that the aliens landed in the back yard, kidnapped my husband.  He’s been great for about 3 weeks now.  After my doctor appointment I had to go home, and take a pain pill for my hip.  I can walk less and less.  He went to Costco on his own.

He walks in the door with flowers.  FLOWERS, for our anniversary this month.  FLOWERS.  Who is this guy?  I can count on two hands the times he’s bought me flowers.  Baby’s breathe, carnations pink and red, daisies in a white basket.  WOW, just WOW.  Even when I was in the hospital for two and half weeks in 2018 he didn’t buy me flowers.

It’s great.  But, you know, the sudden change in personality, while for the better, is a bit worrisome.  Should I be worried?  Idk.  But I love the flowers.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Oct 28, 2020)

So it is also my birthday month, he very rarely gets me a present but he does usually 
say happy birthday.  He comes home from getting a few groceries, stops in front of me, and says “it’s your birthday”.

Yup.

“Did you want something for your birthday?”  He asked.  I look at him.  “What would you like for your birthday?”  

“A divorce“.  .  He walks away.  Ah, yes, another year in paradise has gone by.


----------



## peramangkelder (Oct 28, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> I am convinced that the aliens landed in the back yard, kidnapped my husband.  He’s been great for about 3 weeks now.  After my doctor appointment I had to go home, and take a pain pill for my hip.  I can walk less and less.  He went to Costco on his own.
> 
> He walks in the door with flowers.  FLOWERS, for our anniversary this month.  FLOWERS.  Who is this guy?  I can count on two hands the times he’s bought me flowers.  Baby’s breathe, carnations pink and red, daisies in a white basket.  WOW, just WOW.  Even when I was in the hospital for two and half weeks in 2018 he didn’t buy me flowers.
> 
> It’s great.  But, you know, the sudden change in personality, while for the better, is a bit worrisome.  Should I be worried?  Idk.  But I love the flowers.


@Aneeda72 I love Carnations and I do enjoy reading your posts....especially the part about the aliens


----------



## Sliverfox (Nov 20, 2020)

Noticing the date of last post.
Hope  Aneeda72 is ok.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Nov 20, 2020)

Sliverfox said:


> Noticing the date of last post.
> Hope  Aneeda72 is ok.


Still alive, I post every day just not here.  . But thanks for caring to ask.


----------



## Sliverfox (Nov 20, 2020)

I've been missing for day or so ,, finally caught ,, saw where you had posted on other threads.


----------



## Damaged Goods (Nov 28, 2020)

Someone said that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I say that Aneeda72 is Navy Seal material.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Nov 29, 2020)

Damaged Goods said:


> Someone said that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
> 
> I say that Aneeda72 is Navy Seal material.


Thanks so much for that, but I am ARMY STRONG, Vietnam area


----------



## Pecos (Nov 29, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Interesting enough one of my posts was edited because I mentioned the name of a person that I ignored.    I’ve seen this is a common practice on the forum, to let people know you are ignoring them, how else would they know?  I mean Pecos told me he was putting me on ignore.
> 
> I thanked him for telling me.  I wish there was a way to see a list of people who have you on ignore.  That would be interesting, or maybe there is a list and I just don’t know how to look at it.  Also, it would let you know who not to waste your time responding to.
> 
> ...


It is true that I once put you on ignore, but then I did go back a read a bunch of your previous posts where I acquired an understanding of where you were coming from.

And now I find that you are a among my favorite posters. 

LOL, I screwed up, but I suspect that you have forgiven me for misinterpreting your post.

Are we friends?


----------



## Aneeda72 (Nov 29, 2020)

Pecos said:


> It is true that I once put you on ignore, but then I did go back a read a bunch of your previous posts where I acquired an understanding of where you were coming from.
> 
> And now I find that you are a among my favorite posters.
> 
> ...


We are the best of friends!  When you put me on ignore, a long time ago, I told you I would not put you on ignore cause I liked you .  I have never had you on ignore.  I grow on people, like a fungus .  You are very supportive, and I appreciate that especially now when I am having too many health issues.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Dec 9, 2020)

I don’t feel well today at all.  My heart is pounding and I feel awful, something is not right.

Yesterday I was sitting in my recliner, like today when I chest started to hurt.  Nothing unusual with that with my heart issues.  Then, all of a sudden, I got this intense sharp pain in my chest, worst pain I’ve ever had.  So I got the Kardia out, and it said I had AFIB.  Used it again AFIB.

I felt terrible, just terrible, after the sharp pain.  

Lovey. I have not had AFIB in a year and half.  But I’ve never had it with a huge sharp pain in my chest which made my chest hurt worst.  So, off, to the instant care where they did an ekg.  EKG looked fine, but they want to send me to the hospital in an ambulance, nope.  But I decide I will go.  They check to see which ER in driving distance is slow so I go there.

Got all the stupid heart attack tests done, no heart attack.  Chest, after 3 hours, felt better, although at one point nurse commented it looked like it was hard for me to breathe but O2 was ok.  Was there only 4 hours, it really was not busy.  Sent home, back if you feel you need to.

Little but of a problem last night but nothing to get excited about.  Got up, felt really tired, but ok.  But lots of chest pain pressure this morning, what the heck?  Do not feel good at all.  Probably drag the useless Kardia out again and see if it has an opinion.  Maybe call the heart doctor and talk to his nurse when he opens.  

 Stupid heart issues.


----------



## Pecos (Dec 9, 2020)

Please take it easy and keep us advised.

Is there an emotional component contributing to this? The sole time I had a serious chest pain I was madder than hell over something my government customer was doing. I went to the emergency room and the pain went away after I calmed down. But the pain scared me and I imagine that your pain has hit you like that.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of everything else on your platter. Take care of yourself my friend.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Dec 9, 2020)

Pecos said:


> Please take it easy and keep us advised.
> 
> Is there an emotional component contributing to this? The sole time I had a serious chest pain I was madder than hell over something my government customer was doing. I went to the emergency room and the pain went away after I calmed down. But the pain scared me and I imagine that your pain has hit you like that.
> 
> I am sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of everything else on your platter. Take care of yourself my friend.


Thanks, and it could be emotions are playing a part.  The problem is anytime I have chest pain I am supposed to go to the ER as I have SVT, bradycardia, Afib, stiff heart syndrome, and mild heart failure.    I don’t go every time I get chest pain, but when it’s really bad or different I go.  I don’t want to add heart damage to the mix.  Although I had a very mild silent heart attack years ago.

My medical situation is very complicated.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 28, 2021)

Well, it’s been a while since I wrote here,.  But I suppose most of my life I’d just rather forget the difficulties.  Instead of trying to swim up stream, I’ve decided just to drift along with the current.  This week was a bit more stressful than usual and odd.  There is always odd.  Got a very short phone call from my 96 year old mother, oh, goody.

It is so interesting that, like my husband, her “deafness“ tends to get better or worst at certain times.  With my husband, it’s been a few years where he claims, he did not hear what I said when it is clear that he simply does listen or pay attention.   He does have some hearing loss, but not as bad as he claims.  This year I decided that when we are at home and he claims not to hear me, instead of me walking over to him, or yelling, he has to walk over closer to me.

It is clear he hates having to walk over to me, as I should be at his beck a d call.  His hearing has improved somewhat since I started this policy.  Nothing I can do about his fake “I forgot” memory problems.  His memory was getting so bad I had him tested, as I said previously.  Testing showed his memory was better than the average person of his age.  Now I give him a couple of days and if things are not done, I simply “stand” over while he does them.  Like you must do with a teenager.

Our arguments have decreased dramatically as I started a policy last year of refusing to engage. Or when he starts to use his various excuses, I hold up my hand, give him a list of his excuses, which I number, and tell him to choose the number of the excuse he wants to use.  . Now, instead of him driving me crazy, I drive him crazy.  We still have a few upsets but they are less and less.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 28, 2021)

Anyway, my 96 year old mother calls and says she is in the hospital.  She says heart failure is so hard to manage.  (Really?  Cause I have been in heart failure for 10 years so, you know, I am aware.  Plus, there is a lot of stuff wrong with my mother, but memory issues is not one of her problems.)

Anyway,  she says she has been in the hospital for three days.  She tried to call my brother but he is not home she guesses cause he does not answer the phone.  .  So she has called her default child, me, to complain.  She says the hospital is trying to send her to a rehab center.

At this point I speak up, (although she is having no problem hearing me, I notice).  I say she should go to rehab, although she does not say what they want her to go for.  I say she should  finally agree to assisted living or a nursing home on a permanent basis.  Myself, my brother, and my SIL have been trying to get her to agree to this for years.  She says I need to ask your brother about what he thinks I should do.  “Really?” I think.  . I so want to ask her, “then why did you call me?”, but I don’t.  I know what’s coming.

Then she says, I should move to Washington state, I should live in the same building as her, “she has no family to take care of her”; the self pitying ploy is nauseating.  She choose my brother, over me, her entire life.  He never took a beating from her, never.  He was Prince of her castle.  She treats my SIL like crap, although she has done so much for her.  But I should leave my life and take take care of her.  His adult children, her adult grandchildren, live close to her.  But I am the one who should give up my unimportant life as they are all busy.

Yup, I will get right on that, not.  

She asks how my bio son and daughter are, she asks how my husband is, she doesn’t ask how I am or how my disabled boys are.  She hangs up.  Conversation took about 5 minutes.  I call my brother.  The phone is not answered.  I leave a message.  . Although, I know he won’t call me back, and he doesn’t.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 28, 2021)

A few days later, I call my brother again.  I am curious to find out if mother went into rehab or died.  My SIL answers the phone.  Oh, yeah, she says.  I got your message and tried to call you back.  No, no she didn’t.  This is a game they both play, childish shits that they are.  They never call me, never.

I tried to call you back but your mailbox was full.  . No, no it is not, I say.  Oh, well, she responses, I must have the wrong phone number for you. . Hold on let me check.    No, you do not have the wrong phone number for me.  I’ve had the same phone number for 40 years.  You have the right phone number.  Oh, she says, I must have dialed wrong.  

*OMGosh, we go through this routine every single time.  No matter which one of them answers the phone we go through this routine every single time.*  They have a cell phone, it dials automatically.

Finally moving on from the subject of my phone number, I ask about mother.  We chit chat for a while, she says mother is so difficult, yup, she says her adult children think they are mean to her, (well, they probably are.  It is clear they are tired of her.). I tell her I totally understand and I do.  She says they have their own health issues, I agree.  .  She says mother has been in the hospital three times this month, and on and on and on.

She says the hospital has not yet transferred her to rehab, there is an insurance issue.  she says they better not expect them to pay any money towards her stay.  (I am thinking yeah, good luck with trying to get a dime from these cheap rich shits.  My nephew is a millionaire.  He wouldn’t give me a bottle of water if it was free.)

Finally she runs down, says she needs to go, my brother wants to talk to me; but before she goes, what is your phone number?  I will check my book.  OMGOSH, just kill me.  Kill me now.  I give her my phone number, again.  The same number I have been giving her for 40 years.

Really?  Cause he NEVER wants to talk me.  He gets on the phone.  Blah, blah, blah.  I am 45 minutes into this call and I still don’t know what exactly what my mother’s issues are.  My brother gets on the phone and says “well, she had diarrhea of the mouth, didn’t she“.  Yup, my brother, a prince among men.

They have been married over 50 years.  My husband once said as bad as I am, I am better than him.  I really am not sure how you draw a comparison between two total shits.  But my brother has more money than my husband so based on that, my brother might be easier to tolerate, for me.  But, like me, my SIL is no wallflower.  Unlike me, she has inherited money, and a college education, and retired from a very good job, and her own money.  Why she stays with him is a mystery.  But, then again, we all dance the dance we know.

Then my brother gets to his point as I asked about mother.  Yup, he says, we were not home.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 28, 2021)

We were buying a car.  We went and stayed down by the car dealership so they they could teach us about our new car.  (Yes, they have that kind of money.  Not the kind where you pay your 96 year old mothers left over hospital bill, but the kind of money where you stay in a hotel, next to a car dealership, and learn how to work the bells and whistles on the new electric car you just paid cash for.    Besides mother has medicare and Medicaid.)

Blah, blah,blah, about his old two cars.  He traded one and kept his luxury car as the wife likes the roominess of it.  Then on and on about the new car and all the neat stuff on it, and did I know about all this new stuff.  Yup, I have 2019 Subaru (which I have another 5 years of payments on which I can barely afford).  Oh, he says.  His balloon has burst.  I have a good car.  His brag is useless.  

But I bet you don’t have this.  No I don’t, I said, cause I don’t have an electric car.  About mother?  He says she may finally agree to go into assisted living but not a nursing home.  Well, he says, I got to go.  Bye.

But, but.  I have no ideal why mother is still in the hospital.  No ideal at all.


----------



## Dana (Apr 28, 2021)

Read your story from Page 1 Aneeda. I admire your courage and am happy that in spite of everything you've been through, you have retained such a sense of humour and, did you know...you have a talent for writing!


----------



## Aneeda72 (Apr 28, 2021)

Dana said:


> Read your story from Page 1 Aneeda. I admire your courage and am happy that in spite of everything you've been through, you have retained such a sense of humour and, did you know...you have a talent for writing!


Thanks


----------



## Tabby Ann (Dec 15, 2021)

Aneeda, I'm sorry you experienced such cruelty in you childhood. You are right to separate yourself from those who inflicted it. I hope life has given you some beautiful moments as an adult.


----------

