# Personality disorder (narcissistic)



## Bellbird (Dec 12, 2021)

Narcississim traits. Has anyone else had to try and cope with this.? My husband of over 50years has this malady and I've come to the end of the road with it all. It is now affecting my health, I should have moved out a long ago.. I'm in the throes of trying to get support to get me through this. Any advice? Thank you.


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## hollydolly (Dec 12, 2021)

Sorry you're having to deal with this Bellbird... there's a lot  of advice on the internet with regard living with Narcissists


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## fuzzybuddy (Dec 13, 2021)

You mentioned that his behavior is now affecting your health. That's a huge red flag that you need professional help., both for you, and for your husband. Not being from New Zealand, I don't know what your options are in securing professional (MD) care.


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## RubyK (Dec 13, 2021)

You must know after 50 years of marriage that he will never change. You need professional counseling and a plan to leave him. You have my best wishes to find help to change your life @Bellbird.


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## MarciKS (Dec 13, 2021)

i had a boss like that. as long as you stay and allow him to continue he will. i'm not condoning the split of a marriage but there comes a point when you hafta take care of you. narcissists never ever stop being narcissists. he will never change. the best thing you can do for yourself is leave and never look back and never communicate with him again ever. cut him off from all access to you and your life. otherwise you will never be free.


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## Nathan (Dec 13, 2021)

Bellbird said:


> Narcississim traits. Has anyone else had to try and cope with this.? My husband of over 50years has this malady and I've come to the end of the road with it all. It is now affecting my health, I should have moved out a long ago.. I'm in the throes of trying to get support to get me through this. Any advice? Thank you.


"Narcississim" is a much used label these days in relationship discussions, probably over used.  Your husband  may have emotional / psychological issues affecting his behavior...was he ever in the military?  War leaves scars on the heart and mind, a lot of military veterans trudge through life bearing those scars without ever getting help.   I hope you find a solution, counseling could be beneficial.


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## MarciKS (Dec 13, 2021)

Nathan said:


> "Narcississim" is a much used label these days in relationship discussions, probably over used.  Your husband  may have emotional / psychological issues affecting his behavior...was he ever in the military?  War leaves scars on the heart and mind, a lot of military veterans trudge through life bearing those scars without ever getting help.   I hope you find a solution, counseling could be beneficial.


if he is willing to take it and isn't a true narcissist. sometimes men can be very stubborn at accepting any kind of help with personal matters.


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## Remy (Dec 13, 2021)

Are you able to live and make it on your own? I think the best solution is not to deal with them. I'm pretty convinced my one brother has narcissism from the abusive house we grew up in. It can also be caused by a child's emotional needs not being met. Sadly, as bad as I feel for him, I'm very low contact and after our stepfather (my mother's enabler) is gone, I'm no contact. And I have no guilt. You don't have to put up with abuse.


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## Packerjohn (Dec 13, 2021)

About a year ago, I read a biography of Donal Trump, written by one of his family.  Apparently Trump was very narcissistic; he can only think about himself.  A sort of Muhammed Ali, "I'm the Greatest."  These people cannot understand other people's view points and couldn't care less!  I am not discussing politics here.  I am merely recollecting a book I read.  The book was by Mary L. Trump and the title was "Too Much and Never Enough."


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## Bellbird (Dec 13, 2021)

Thank you everybody for your support, he has had counselling over the years but walked away from it, he is a master of being in denial. No he has never been in the military. 
Yes I can see that nothing will ever change, his 'condition' answers all my questions over the years. I am now going to move into the caravan at the back of the house to keep away from him, his reaction is what I expected. 
  I am hoping to be able to talk with Senior Citizens assoc.


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## Bellbird (Dec 13, 2021)

Packerjohn, Yes, my husband really couldn't care less ,I can't understand that and probably never will.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 13, 2021)

Nathan said:


> "Narcississim" is a much used label these days in relationship discussions, probably over used.  Your husband  may have emotional / psychological issues affecting his behavior...was he ever in the military?  War leaves scars on the heart and mind, a lot of military veterans trudge through life bearing those scars without ever getting help.   I hope you find a solution, counseling could be beneficial.


You're right that the label is way overused lately, and that's a shame because it minimizes the distress that real cases cause to the people in their circles. It's a serious disorder and it's very destructive, but say the word these days you just get a lot of eye-rolling.


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## Jules (Dec 13, 2021)

@Bellbird, if you’re on FB consider looking into a private group specializing in sharing wisdom with other women who are in your same situation.  If you’re not on there already, sign up with a pseudonym.  My friend was in a similar situation as yours.  The group helped her build her courage.


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## Bellbird (Dec 13, 2021)

Thank you Jules, I saw the group on Facebook I will look into it more.


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## MarciKS (Dec 13, 2021)

Bellbird said:


> Thank you everybody for your support, he has had counselling over the years but walked away from it, he is a master of being in denial. No he has never been in the military.
> Yes I can see that nothing will ever change, his 'condition' answers all my questions over the years. I am now going to move into the caravan at the back of the house to keep away from him, his reaction is what I expected.
> I am hoping to be able to talk with Senior Citizens assoc.


 if you need to talk let me know


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## Shero (Dec 13, 2021)

I do not give advice, but would suggest Bellbird that you seek urgent professional advice.
Continuing with this behavior will make you an enabler, and then,  you will be the one who needs medical care. Just my opinion.


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## Tish (Dec 13, 2021)

50 years is a very long time to put up with that.
It is no wonder it is affecting your health, I would also suggest getting professional advice.


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## Pinky (Dec 13, 2021)

@Bellbird 
I hope you have the courage and strength to take the advice given you here. You will not regret it.


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## Bellbird (Dec 13, 2021)

Shero, Tish & Pinky, thank you, yes, I needed that little push. I have just got back from talking with professsional people and taken their advice. I will see them again tomorrow . 
It's a bit of a relief that I have shared this problem, thank you everyone.


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## Ladybj (Dec 13, 2021)

Bellbird said:


> Narcississim traits. Has anyone else had to try and cope with this.? My husband of over 50years has this malady and I've come to the end of the road with it all. It is now affecting my health, I should have moved out a long ago.. I'm in the throes of trying to get support to get me through this. Any advice? Thank you.


As other post stated - 50 years is a long time to put up with a Narcissist.  With or without counseling, he may not change. You and only you can make the decision to stay or leave. There must be circumstances that have kept you with him over the years.  The question to you is - do you want to wake up a year or more from now and be in the same predicament?  Only you know when its time for a change.  Does the staying outweigh the leaving? If you decide to stay, maybe you can seek counseling to help you deal with him..jmo.  Your health is very important...stress can cause all types of health issues. Sending you Positive Energy


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## SeaRaven (Dec 13, 2021)

I'm brand new here and recently separated from husband after 42 yrs of marriage.  He's passive-aggressive, blames others for everything, is unsupportive and moody.  I FINALLY snapped,  called a lawyer and he moved out.  I was raised by a narcissistic mother ....nothing physically abusive but she was always lying, being a martyr, deflecting blame and putting HER needs ahead of my dad and sibs.  
Bellbird....you KNOW what you need to do to save your sanity.  Take it from me, whether you've been with him for 15, 35 or 50 years, it's NOW the time.  
Wish you the best, stay strong.


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## Bellbird (Dec 13, 2021)

Of course there are/were circumstances that kept me there. You are assuming things and your assumption is wrong.  I have not asked nor would I ask, for anyone to make my decisions for me. Reaching out for support is not asking anyone to make your decision. 
 As far as putting up with a narcississt for 50 years as you put it, there are varying degrees of narcississm, it can take years to totally manifest itself.  
Your positive energy is welcome, but let me assure you my positive energy has got me through to this stage in my life and it will carry on that way.


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## Bellbird (Dec 13, 2021)

Thank you SeaRaven, you know and understand, I wish you all the best.


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## Pinky (Dec 14, 2021)

Bellbird, I wish you the strength to carry through. As for myself, I didn't act the first time when I had professional help. I should have, but didn't have the strength. Eventually, I did - and have no regrets. Just keep trying.


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## WheatenLover (Dec 14, 2021)

Bellbird said:


> Narcississim traits. Has anyone else had to try and cope with this.? My husband of over 50years has this malady and I've come to the end of the road with it all. It is now affecting my health, I should have moved out a long ago.. I'm in the throes of trying to get support to get me through this. Any advice? Thank you.


My husband has narcissist traits in spades. He is also the king of denial and has no forethought, so has had many serious problems for me to solve over the years. He wants me to move back in with him to take care of him. I am too sick to do that. He said, however, that he will take care of me. He has never done that, no matter how sick I've been. His health is too poor to do it now. He will not take care of himself or get the help he needs, except for prescribed meds that mostly don't work well. He is living in a literal death trap for his condition, but refuses to move to a one-story house or apartment.

The best thing I ever did was move out a year ago, and it was for health reasons. I could not continue living with a man who took no Covid precautions when I had cancer, and who wouldn't understand why I could not clean, cook, handle the finances, solve all the problems, etc. I had planned to move anyway, but under better circumstances than having cancer.


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## Bellbird (Dec 14, 2021)

WheatenLover, my heart goes out to you. You have been and are going through so much. You are so right in not believing a thing your husband says.
  All the very best to you.


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## Ladybj (Dec 16, 2021)

Bellbird said:


> Of course there are/were circumstances that kept me there. You are assuming things and your assumption is wrong.  I have not asked nor would I ask, for anyone to make my decisions for me. Reaching out for support is not asking anyone to make your decision.
> As far as putting up with a narcississt for 50 years as you put it, there are varying degrees of narcississm, it can take years to totally manifest itself.
> Your positive energy is welcome, but let me assure you my positive energy has got me through to this stage in my life and it will carry on that way.


I did not mean any harm.  I was responding to your post which you stated you have come to the end of the road with it and it's effecting your health.  I don't think I was assuming.. again, I was responding to your post which you ask for advice.


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## IFortuna (Dec 22, 2021)

Bellbird said:


> Narcississim traits. Has anyone else had to try and cope with this.? My husband of over 50years has this malady and I've come to the end of the road with it all. It is now affecting my health, I should have moved out a long ago.. I'm in the throes of trying to get support to get me through this. Any advice? Thank you.


I'm sorry, I don't completely understand.  You say he has narcissistic traits.  Could you be more specific?
He may have an ailment of some kind.  Although we can't see it with naked eye, the brain goes through some changes as we
get older.  A friend of mine has what are called brain plaques. It has affected his cognitive abilities.  He forgets things and does show signs
of self-centeredness.  He is in a lot of pain sometimes from arthritis so I think it turns his focus inward as it would anyone I suppose. 

 Perhaps it is time for a neuro scan for your husband.  You did not mention it but he must be at least 70 so it might be a good idea to look into this.
Is he a veteran? They have some very good doctors. Maybe make an appointment with a neurologist and go from there.  He may not be to blame for this change in behavior.
You are in my thoughts, the best to you.


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## Fyrefox (Dec 23, 2021)

My mother was a malignant narcissist, and my father her enabler who in his ongoing attempts to pacify her only made her more extreme, demanding, and tyrannical.  We all surrendered pieces of ourselves.  My sister was driven into an early marriage and has had lifelong depressive issues, while I’ve suffered from generalized anxiety disorder due to having a volatile, controlling, and unpredictable mother.  Ironically, she never saw herself as anything other than exemplary and perfect while everyone else was badly out of step.  I’ve often wondered how different things could have been had my mother received psychotropic medication and therapy…


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## Tabby Ann (Jan 16, 2022)

After I retired and had more time to spend with people, I realized I also needed to spend more time understanding the human brain. I spent way too much time trying to continue and improve a relationship with a narcissistic person who appeared to want to befriend me but after a while I realized it was all about her and never about me and I was simply an accessory or prop to help her achieve her goals. After reading several books on psychology, I began to recognize the difference between a deep rooted brain problem that I wasn’t equipped to solve and a relationship problem that might could be worked out. The sooner one learns the difference, the more peaceful your life will be.


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## dseag2 (Jan 16, 2022)

Ladybj said:


> I did not mean any harm.  I was responding to your post which you stated you have come to the end of the road with it and it's effecting your health.  I don't think I was assuming.. again, I was responding to your post which you ask for advice.


@Ladybj, you were perfectly correct in your response.  Bellbird asked for advice and IMO you gave a very insightful and caring response.  No reason to be attacked.


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