# Lonely But Not Alone



## LindaB (May 17, 2020)

I'm sure I'm not the only one but I am 72, married for 36 years and I do love my husband. He is 5 years younger than me and is still working. Unfortunately he loves working crazy hours, like 2 AM on. Even when he's not working, he's up in the middle of the night. It's like we live on different planets. He goes to bed by 6 PM . He gets up when I'm going to bed. I spend every evening alone. Thank heaven for my dogs. We really have nothing in common any more. I'm just really lonely and I'm trying to find ways to cope. Armchair therapist suggestions?


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## hollydolly (May 17, 2020)

LindaB said:


> I'm sure I'm not the only one but I am 72, married for 36 years and I do love my husband. He is 5 years younger than me and is still working. Unfortunately he loves working crazy hours, like 2 AM on. Even when he's not working, he's up in the middle of the night. It's like we live on different planets. He goes to bed by 6 PM . He gets up when I'm going to bed. I spend every evening alone. Thank heaven for my dogs. We really have nothing in common any more. I'm just really lonely and I'm trying to find ways to cope. Armchair therapist suggestions?


 well for a start you've made the right move by coming here and having all of us to chat to ..   I don't know where you are situated but we have people from the USA/Canada/ The UK./ Australia and more on here so people at all times of the day and night to chat to if you want some company..


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## Gaer (May 17, 2020)

I'll add my 2 cents!  Treasure him! Treasure every single moment with him.  Light up and run and kiss him when he walks in the door.  Don't sit alone while he's sleeping!  Crawl in bed with him!  Snuggle up to him!  Pretend this is the first time you've ever been with him!  Give him LOVE!!!!!
Nothing in common?  MAKE  things in common!  Get up at 3 AM with him and make him hot cocao or an omelet!  Find out what interests him and develop a STONG interest in it!  Be exciting!  Be fresh!  Be new!  Play the music he loves.  Cook the food he loves!  Give all you are to  him!
Adapt your schedule to HIS.  Be asleep when  he's asleep and be up when he's up!  be there for himinEVERY WAY!
You don't know what a great gift it is to find love!  To have this man as your own!  Just love him like crazy!!!!!  That's all i have to say.


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## Lewkat (May 17, 2020)

Gaer said:


> I'll add my 2 cents!  Treasure him! Treasure every single moment with him.  Light up and run and kiss him when he walks in the door.  Don't sit alone while he's sleeping!  Crawl in bed with him!  Snuggle up to him!  Pretend this is the first time you've ever been with him!  Give him LOVE!!!!!
> Nothing in common?  MAKE  things in common!  Get up at 3 AM with him and make him hot cocao or an omelet!  Find out what interests him and develop a STONG interest in it!  Be exciting!  Be fresh!  Be new!  Play the music he loves.  Cook the food he loves!  Give all you are to  him!
> Adapt your schedule to HIS.  Be asleep when  he's asleep and be up when he's up!  be there for himinEVERY WAY!
> You don't know what a great gift it is to find love!  To have this man as your own!  Just love him like crazy!!!!!  That's all i have to say.


Well said, Gaer.


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## Ronni (May 17, 2020)

Gaer said:


> I'll add my 2 cents!  Treasure him! Treasure every single moment with him.  Light up and run and kiss him when he walks in the door.  Don't sit alone while he's sleeping!  Crawl in bed with him!  Snuggle up to him!  Pretend this is the first time you've ever been with him!  Give him LOVE!!!!!
> Nothing in common?  MAKE  things in common!  Get up at 3 AM with him and make him hot cocao or an omelet!  Find out what interests him and develop a STONG interest in it!  Be exciting!  Be fresh!  Be new!  Play the music he loves.  Cook the food he loves!  Give all you are to  him!
> Adapt your schedule to HIS.  Be asleep when  he's asleep and be up when he's up!  be there for himinEVERY WAY!
> You don't know what a great gift it is to find love!  To have this man as your own!  Just love him like crazy!!!!!  That's all i have to say.


I get where you’re coming from in terms of working to create the kind of relationship you want.

It’s not however a one sided endeavor.  It takes two people, working in unison, to breathe new life into a relationship.


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## gennie (May 17, 2020)

I was going to say, don't feel bad because some of the loneliest people I know are married but on second thought, why not try what Gaer suggests?   Sounds like fun and whatcha got to lose?  By the way, welcome.


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## MickaC (May 17, 2020)

@LindaB     Happy you found SF. Lots of meaningful friendship and support for each other here.


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## Gaer (May 17, 2020)

Oh!  i gotta say more, I'm sorry!  Please don't be apathetic!  Apathy is the death of love!  Find what brought you together the first time.  There was some reason you married him!  Try to find that again!  Don't even think about yourself and how YOU feel.  THINK ABOUT HIM!!!
Love should be Extraordinary!  Exciting, Amazing!  Magical!  You have that inside you!  Mediocre love is not worth anything. Don't let it happen!  Look for ways to make him feel happy and wonderful!  Not you.  HIM!!!
I'm not saying your feelings don't matter.  They DO!  But you need to bring back some magic in your marriage!  Try it!  You can do this!
Make love to him inevery way all the time.  FEEL LOVE!  FEEL IT!!!!  OK. I'm done.


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## peppermint (May 17, 2020)

Linda B, That is so sad....I won't give you some stupid thing to do....But Gear summoned it up...Try it.....You never know....He is your husband
so stay close....


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## JustBonee (May 17, 2020)

@Gaer  gives better marriage counseling than anything you could pay for ...


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## Kaila (May 17, 2020)

I would talk with him, and try to come up with a plan, together.  
Remind each other of things you used to have in common, and then try to find one of those you are both still interested in, or a new interest that you could both share, and then,  make a plan together, to do something that involves it.


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## Ruthanne (May 17, 2020)

You are not alone here Linda.  There are others who feel lonely, too.  I get lonesome at times.  We are all here to chat with you.


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## Gaer (May 17, 2020)

Sorry,Don't mean to butt in again but one more thing.  This is important.  Don't ever complain. Don't talk about your aches and pains.  Don't gossip.  Don't ever ctiticize.  if you give up these things, wonderful things will begin to  happen in your life!  
Your entire life will begin to  change!  This is REAL magic!!!


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## hollydolly (May 17, 2020)

Oh for goodness sakes.. poor LindaB... this lady has signed up for someone to chat with and pass the time with... and she's getting lectured on her marriage of 36 years.. !! Wow, don't you think at 72 years old  and 36 years together that   she knows how to treat her man.. good grief, give the woman a break she's come here to chat not for marriage guidance  from people who don't even know her circumstances !!

Linda.. don't feel you have to justify your marriage or your self here.. come and join us on another happier thread or on the games section..


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## EllisT (May 17, 2020)

Gaer said:


> Oh!  i gotta say more, I'm sorry!  Please don't be apathetic!  Apathy is the death of love!  Find what brought you together the first time.  There was some reason you married him!  Try to find that again!  Don't even think about yourself and how YOU feel.  THINK ABOUT HIM!!!
> Love should be Extraordinary!  Exciting, Amazing!  Magical!  You have that inside you!  Mediocre love is not worth anything. Don't let it happen!  Look for ways to make him feel happy and wonderful!  Not you.  HIM!!!
> I'm not saying your feelings don't matter.  They DO!  But you need to bring back some magic in your marriage!  Try it!  You can do this!
> Make love to him inevery way all the time.  FEEL LOVE!  FEEL IT!!!!  OK. I'm done.


 post of the evening right here!


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## Lewkat (May 17, 2020)

Well, regardless of how you may choose to handle your situation, Linda, welcome to the forum.  I've been a widow for many years, and have one son who himself was recently widowed.  Yes, I am alone but I rarely feel lonely.  I guess my dog and of course before I retired, what with my profession and raising my son, I was a rather busy bee.  Now, in the days of advanced technology, I am happily chatting on places such as this forum and just enjoying meeting all the wonderful people world wide.  I was able to do this in person when I was young, but big time traveling is not something I am wont to to these days.  I just got over having had the COVID-19 virus and thankfully survived it fairly unscathed.  I, like you have my dog with me and I talk with my son a lot.  So, now I am off to read a good book.  I hope your situation improves soon and your loneliness won't be an issue for you.


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## win231 (May 17, 2020)

LindaB said:


> I'm sure I'm not the only one but I am 72, married for 36 years and I do love my husband. He is 5 years younger than me and is still working. Unfortunately he loves working crazy hours, like 2 AM on. Even when he's not working, he's up in the middle of the night. It's like we live on different planets. He goes to bed by 6 PM . He gets up when I'm going to bed. I spend every evening alone. Thank heaven for my dogs. We really have nothing in common any more. I'm just really lonely and I'm trying to find ways to cope. Armchair therapist suggestions?


Have you thought about a medical issue?  I'm 67 & I often have trouble sleeping due to severe tinnitus & diabetes - I'll have rapid blood sugar swings, both up and down that make sleep impossible.  And neuropathy & leg pain from varicose veins, etc.  Maybe discuss that possibility with him.
BTW, my usual bedtime is 2:00am.  But when I can't sleep, it's sometimes 3:00am, 4:00am, 5:00am or 6:00am.   

ETA:  It's 3:00am now & I just got up.  Couldn't sleep.


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## SeaBreeze (May 17, 2020)

LindaB said:


> I'm sure I'm not the only one but I am 72, married for 36 years and I do love my husband. He is 5 years younger than me and is still working. Unfortunately he loves working crazy hours, like 2 AM on. Even when he's not working, he's up in the middle of the night. It's like we live on different planets. He goes to bed by 6 PM . He gets up when I'm going to bed. I spend every evening alone. Thank heaven for my dogs. We really have nothing in common any more. I'm just really lonely and I'm trying to find ways to cope. Armchair therapist suggestions?


@LindaB , first of all, congratulations on your long marriage, my hubby and I have been married for over forty years and having such a long term relationship is very special and always has some challenges. We both retired at the same time, so it must be hard for you to still have him working at such odd hours.  That's hard to keep up with, I wouldn't even try, I certainly wouldn't bend over backwards trying to insert yourself into his busy schedule.

Are there any days he doesn't work that you two can spend some time together at home, have a nice dinner and chat with each other?  I would definitely shoot for that goal, to spend a little time letting each other know you still care.  Honestly though, aside from his hectic work life, there are a lot of folks in marriages where the love is there, but there is loneliness.  Have you had a heart to heart with him to express how lonely you're feeling?  Does he show you affection often, even a little hug or kiss when its a slow time?

Do you have a friend who you can talk to, spend time with and do things with?  That would help if you did.  As already mentioned, the members here are very caring and there are many interesting threads, posts, pictures, videos, etc. to browse through when you have time.

What kind of dogs do you have, do you take them out for daily walks?  I take my dog to the park every day, he follows me around the house like my shadow.


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## Ronni (May 18, 2020)

I was married for 30+ years to an abusive, controlling man, and felt extremely lonely in that relationship.  Please understand, I'm not for a moment suggesting your husband is dysfunctional, just that one can feel lonely even surrounded by people.  

I'm not sure what you're looking for here.  You asked us to be armchair therapists.  In what regard?  Are you wanting to be counseled about how YOU can feel better about your situation?  Or are you looking for suggestions regarding ways to fix your husband?


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## old medic (May 18, 2020)

LindaB said:


> Even when he's not working, he's up in the middle of the night. It's like we live on different planets. He goes to bed by 6 PM


Honey.... Is that you???? I thought you were 5 years younger than me???? And we've only been married 35 years....
I always joked that the secret to our long marriage was to buy a big house, work opposite shifts and just stay the hell away from each other.
2.5 years now in a 225 SqFt camper and she aint killed me yet....

On the serious side, 1st off welcome from NC. Congrads on the 36 years. Gaer's reply is awesome, but again it cant be one sided. 
People and their interest change over time, and the key is to accept and fall in love with the new person....
Definitely talk to him about your your feelings, Find some new common grounds and enjoy life...


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

Gaer said:


> Sorry,Don't mean to butt in again but one more thing.  This is important.  Don't ever complain. Don't talk about your aches and pains.  Don't gossip.  Don't ever ctiticize.  if you give up these things, wonderful things will begin to  happen in your life!
> Your entire life will begin to  change!  This is REAL magic!!!


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

Wow, Gaer, you must have the most awesome marriage!


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

Ronni said:


> I get where you’re coming from in terms of working to create the kind of relationship you want.
> 
> It’s not however a one sided endeavor.  It takes two people, working in unison, to breathe new life into a relationship.


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

Thank you, Ronni. Please don't assume that I sit around feeling sorry for myself. 


Ronni said:


> I get where you’re coming from in terms of working to create the kind of relationship you want.
> 
> It’s not however a one sided endeavor.  It takes two people, working in unison, to breathe new life into a relationship.


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

LindaB said:


> Thank you, Ronni. Please don't assume that I sit around feeling sorry for myself.


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## Ronni (May 18, 2020)

LindaB said:


> Thank you, Ronni. Please don't assume that I sit around feeling sorry for myself.


That never occurred to me!  I figured if you were posting here about your relationship,  you were trying to figure out how to make things better which is why I posted additional questions.


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

Thank you, Ronni. A 36 year marriage doesn't just happen without a little work on BOTH sides. There has to be compromises by each partner (and places where one draws the line...like rising at 3 AM to cook when I have already prepared an excellent meal WAY earlier in the day to accommodate his sleeping schedule). 
My other post to you about feeling sorry for myself got posted too soon. 
All advice is good but I need to be realistic. I am 72 years old and vibrant. I teach dance, work out, take pride in my appearance and have a lot of interests. However, I have NEVER been the type of woman to just do anything and everything to please a man because I think that will make him love me. 
You are right, Ronni. It is a two way street.


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

old medic said:


> Honey.... Is that you???? I thought you were 5 years younger than me???? And we've only been married 35 years....
> I always joked that the secret to our long marriage was to buy a big house, work opposite shifts and just stay the hell away from each other.
> 2.5 years now in a 225 SqFt camper and she aint killed me yet....
> 
> ...


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

Thanks, Old Medic. I keep trying to do that. We talk. Or I talk and he says he understands and we will try to work on things. But it always reverts to his lifestyle. Oh, well.


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## hollydolly (May 18, 2020)

Well come on over and join the rest of the forum Linda.. you'll be most welcome..


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

MickaC said:


> @LindaB View attachment 105025    Happy you found SF. Lots of meaningful friendship and support for each other here.


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

Bonnie said:


> @Gaer  gives better marriage counseling than anything you could pay for ...


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

I'm sure but it's a little too 1950's for me. The only thing she left out was going to bed with my makeup on, getting up after he's asleep to take it off, then getting up before him to put it on again, lol. Sorry but you sure do have to see some humor there.


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

Gaer said:


> Sorry,Don't mean to butt in again but one more thing.  This is important.  Don't ever complain. Don't talk about your aches and pains.  Don't gossip.  Don't ever ctiticize.  if you give up these things, wonderful things will begin to  happen in your life!
> Your entire life will begin to  change!  This is REAL magic!!!


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

Gaer said:


> Sorry,Don't mean to butt in again but one more thing.  This is important.  Don't ever complain. Don't talk about your aches and pains.  Don't gossip.  Don't ever ctiticize.  if you give up these things, wonderful things will begin to  happen in your life!
> Your entire life will begin to  change!  This is REAL magic!!!


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## Ronni (May 18, 2020)

LindaB said:


> Thank you, Ronni. A 36 year marriage doesn't just happen without a little work on BOTH sides. There has to be compromises by each partner (and places where one draws the line...like rising at 3 AM to cook when I have already prepared an excellent meal WAY earlier in the day to accommodate his sleeping schedule).
> My other post to you about feeling sorry for myself got posted too soon.
> All advice is good but I need to be realistic. I am 72 years old and vibrant. I teach dance, work out, take pride in my appearance and have a lot of interests. However, I have NEVER been the type of woman to just do anything and everything to please a man because I think that will make him love me.
> You are right, Ronni. It is a two way street.


It is most definitely a two way street.

I spent 30+ years contorting myself into all kinds of weird pretzel shapes trying to be what my husband wanted me to be.  It was a miserable, wretched time, made so much worse by the fact that he was abusive, domineering, controlling, text book narcissist.  Even if he hadn't been any of that, still I wasn't interested in an "Ozzie and Harriet" kind of marriage where's he's the king of his castle and I'm his loyal servant who never complains and is always at his beck and call.   Nope.  If it's not an equal partnership then it's not worth it.  

 It doesn't sound like you have any of that going on, but still, your situation sounds less than ideal. 

Like you, I'm young for my age lol!     You teach dance?  What kind?  I'm a ballroom dancer myself!


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

Gaer, if YOU do all of those good things and NEVER do anything like complain or talk about your aches and pains, etc. you would not be living in a real world marriage. Marriage to me is sharing all the good and the bad. When he complains or talks about his aches and pains I can understand him better and know how to respond to his needs. AND we both enjoy a little gossip now and then, lol.
Marriage is NOT pie in sky.


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## Gaer (May 18, 2020)

Both of you teach dance?  I taught silver and gold at Arthur Murray and Fred Astaire studios!  Isn't this strange?


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

Ronni said:


> It is most definitely a two way street.
> 
> I spent 30+ years contorting myself into all kinds of weird pretzel shapes trying to be what my husband wanted me to be.  It was a miserable, wretched time, made so much worse by the fact that he was abusive, domineering, controlling, text book narcissist.  Even if he hadn't been any of that, still I wasn't interested in an "Ozzie and Harriet" kind of marriage where's he's the king of his castle and I'm his loyal servant who never complains and is always at his beck and call.   Nope.  If it's not an equal partnership then it's not worth it.
> 
> ...


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## Gaer (May 18, 2020)

LindaB said:


> Gaer, if YOU do all of those good things and NEVER do anything like complain or talk about your aches and pains, etc. you would not be living in a real world marriage. Marriage to me is sharing all the good and the bad. When he complains or talks about his aches and pains I can understand him better and know how to respond to his needs. AND we both enjoy a little gossip now and then, lol.
> Marriage is NOT pie in sky.


I'm not saying stop listening to his complaints.  I'm just trying to help and bring a new aliveness to your life.  That's all. Accept it or not.  I'm just saying, having a relationship with a man is a great gift.  Cherish him.  Look at him from across the room and think. "My God, How could I be so lucky to have this wonderful man in my life"?   See him in a new light and just LOVE HIM !  it's not losing who you are.  it's being ALIVE!
Yes, I had a wonderful marriage.  He died in my arms.  
Someday you will reach for your love, and he won't be there!


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## LindaB (May 18, 2020)

Ronni, I was a jazz dancer when I was young and danced professionally with a jazz company. Later, I had dance studios in Florida for 15 years teaching ballet, tap and jazz. Now I teach line dance 3 days a week.
I am SO on your wavelength! Luckily, my husband is not abusive. I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. My mother did as well. And like you, tried everything to please my father at the expense of her own well being.  However, I'm with you on your views. One person can't do it all in a marriage. Then you just become taken for granted.


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## MarciKS (May 23, 2020)

gennie said:


> I was going to say, don't feel bad because some of the loneliest people I know are married but on second thought, why not try what Gaer suggests?   Sounds like fun and whatcha got to lose?  By the way, welcome.


It's pretty sad when you're in a relationship and you're just as lonely as if you were single.


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## Liberty (May 24, 2020)

My mother was a "character".  She often said, when someone complained about their husband not having the same interests or was not spending more time with them "you gotta be kidding". My father had passed away and she'd had many a proposal of marriage.  She'd say "hey, I was married and bored for 30 years , don't intend to spend the rest of it that way, thanks but no thanks".  Her idea of a perfect mate was one that had an out of town job...lol.  "No needy men or animals"...ha ha.  

Different strokes, huh.  She had many many interests.


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## Rosemarie (May 24, 2020)

Kaila said:


> I would talk with him, and try to come up with a plan, together.
> Remind each other of things you used to have in common, and then try to find one of those you are both still interested in, or a new interest that you could both share, and then,  make a plan together, to do something that involves it.


This is more realistic advice. Don't make a fool of yourself, talk to him. Is it possible he is avoiding you for some reason? If there is a problem, it's best to get it out into the open and deal with it. Good luck!


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## Floridatennisplayer (May 25, 2020)

Gaer said:


> Oh!  i gotta say more, I'm sorry!  Please don't be apathetic!  Apathy is the death of love!  Find what brought you together the first time.  There was some reason you married him!  Try to find that again!  Don't even think about yourself and how YOU feel.  THINK ABOUT HIM!!!
> Love should be Extraordinary!  Exciting, Amazing!  Magical!  You have that inside you!  Mediocre love is not worth anything. Don't let it happen!  Look for ways to make him feel happy and wonderful!  Not you.  HIM!!!
> I'm not saying your feelings don't matter.  They DO!  But you need to bring back some magic in your marriage!  Try it!  You can do this!
> Make love to him inevery way all the time.  FEEL LOVE!  FEEL IT!!!!  OK. I'm done.


I think you are a completely amazing wonderful person.  I sincerely do.


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## bingo (May 26, 2020)

oh well...dogs can keep us busy..i know


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## treeguy64 (May 26, 2020)

Gaer said:


> Sorry,Don't mean to butt in again but one more thing.  This is important.  Don't ever complain. Don't talk about your aches and pains.  Don't gossip.  Don't ever ctiticize.  if you give up these things, wonderful things will begin to  happen in your life!
> Your entire life will begin to  change!  This is REAL magic!!!


OK, I admit I don't know if this is a send up or sincere advice. I can only hear Jack Jones singing that tune about how women should put on makeup all the time and greet their husbands each night in full dress-up attire.

Gaer, how long were you married?  If you actually practiced what you preach, I imagine your husband was a very lucky guy to have such a faithful subject ministering to him.

I could never live for someone else. I enjoy living my own life, as Janet lives hers. We get along very well while we each do our own thing. If she started catering to me the way you suggest, to the op, I would feel uncomfortable, closed in and creepy. I'd also start looking for a good shrink for her.

I think the line, "Get a life!" comes to mind. Nobody should live just for somebody else. How truly dreadful!


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## Gaer (May 26, 2020)

treeguy64 said:


> OK, I admit I don't know if this is a send up or sincere advice. I can only hear Jack Jones singing that tune about how women should put on makeup all the time and greet their husbands each night in full dress-up attire.
> 
> Gaer, how long were you married?  If you actually practiced what you preach, I imagine your husband was a very lucky guy to have such a faithful subject ministering to him.
> 
> ...



I'll answer this one thing and be out of this post, as I've said too much.  25 years.  Neither of us were clingy nor were we needy.  Rather two actualized, completed, happy souls desiring to be together. He was his own man, ( a man's man, actually) and I my own woman.  We each had our individual interests and activities.  No, Love need not be INTENSE. it can be comfortable,warm, soft, contented. No, I was not his servant. Not a "Stepford Wife".  Oh, Hell no! 
I find it sad when a relationship has no interaction, no conversation, no laughter, no fun,  no playfulness, and when they can't even look in each other's eyes.. This is an apathetic death of love. Love is important.  So many things in life are mundane and mediocre.  Love should not be one of them!


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## treeguy64 (May 26, 2020)

Gaer said:


> I'll answer this one thing and be out of this post, as I've said too much.  25 years.  Neither of us were clingy nor were we needy.  Rather two actualized, completed, happy souls desiring to be together. He was his own man, ( a man's man, actually) and I my own woman.  We each had our individual interests and activities.  No, Love need not be INTENSE. it can be comfortable,warm, soft, contented. No, I was not his servant. Not a "Stepford Wife".  Oh, Hell no!
> I find it sad when a relationship has no interaction, no conversation, no laughter, no fun,  no playfulness, and when they can't even look in each other's eyes.. This is an apathetic death of love. Love is important.  So many things in life are mundane and mediocre.  Love should not be one of them!


Your post, as above, seems to strongly contradict your previous advice to the op. Very confusing.


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## Gaer (May 26, 2020)

treeguy64 said:


> Your post, as above, seems to strongly contradict your previous advice to the op. Very confusing.


Because some relationships need help.  If one has let the relationship deteriorate , through no fault of their own, to a point where there is no interaction, severe adjustments must be made.  When it comes to a point where one is hurting, actions must be taken to save the relationship or a decision must be made that the feelings no longer exist and it's time to let go.  This is a completely different scenario.  Read her first post and you'll see what I mean.  That's it, tree guy, I will post no more on this thread.  Thanks, though.


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## C'est Moi (May 26, 2020)

treeguy64 said:


> I could never live for someone else. *I enjoy living my own life, as Janet lives hers. We get along very well while we each do our own thing. *If she started catering to me the way you suggest, to the op, I would feel uncomfortable, closed in and creepy. I'd also start looking for a good shrink for her.
> 
> I think the line, "Get a life!" comes to mind. Nobody should live just for somebody else. How truly dreadful!


Amen, brother.


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## LindaB (May 30, 2020)

Floridatennisplayer said:


> I think you are a completely amazing wonderful person.  I sincerely do.


Sorry, but there are two people in any relationship. When one person ONLY thinks of the other person they are ignoring and denying their own needs. This can only happen for so long. Eventually that act of "selflessness" will cause resentment. It can make one vulnerable to a person of the opposite sex who (gasp!) might dare to show some interest in their feelings.


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## LindaB (May 30, 2020)

[QUOTE="C'est Moi, post: 1366154, member: 

Well said! Who would want someone fawning over them 24/7? It IS creepy at best.


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## LindaB (May 30, 2020)

Bonnie said:


> @Gaer  gives better marriage counseling than anything you could pay for ...


Yuck


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## LindaB (May 30, 2020)

Ronni said:


> I was married for 30+ years to an abusive, controlling man, and felt extremely lonely in that relationship.  Please understand, I'm not for a moment suggesting your husband is dysfunctional, just that one can feel lonely even surrounded by people.
> 
> I'm not sure what you're looking for here.  You asked us to be armchair therapists.  In what regard?  Are you wanting to be counseled about how YOU can feel better about your situation?  Or are you looking for suggestions regarding ways to fix your husband?


I have many activities with friends, so that is not an issue. Here are my babies!


EllisT said:


> post of the evening right here!


You're kidding, right?LOL


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## LindaB (May 30, 2020)

Meant to post a pic of my babies


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## LindaB (May 30, 2020)

Liberty said:


> My mother was a "character".  She often said, when someone complained about their husband not having the same interests or was not spending more time with them "you gotta be kidding". My father had passed away and she'd had many a proposal of marriage.  She'd say "hey, I was married and bored for 30 years , don't intend to spend the rest of it that way, thanks but no thanks".  Her idea of a perfect mate was one that had an out of town job...lol.  "No needy men or animals"...ha ha.
> 
> Different strokes, huh.  She had many many interests.


That's funny! My mom was the same way after her second divorce...she married my dad twice! Ugh! What didn't she learn the first time?  But she always said,"I wouldn't have the best man walking!" I miss her


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## Patros (Jun 8, 2020)

I was married for 21years, actually 21 too many. While we had quite a lot in common, he chose to leap from hobby to hobby, discarding them all once he became proficient. People would say oh, you should take it up too, so you can do it together - well I say bollocks to that, life’s too short. I don’t believe in giving up your self in order to pander to your partner, especially if he doesn’t reciprocate. He even chose to change his job so he would work seven days a week. I say, if a person can’t be bothered to meet you halfway, if they persist in making themselves unavailable, then they don’t want to be with you. Once I had proof that he was also seeing another lady, I cut loose and it was the best move I ever made. I’ve been happily single now for twenty years, I’ve travelled, have my own home and can do what I like. Life definitely doesn’t have to be a compromise. And frankly, the days of playing the little woman pleasing her man went out in the 70’s.


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## peppermint (Jun 8, 2020)

Gaer said:


> I'll add my 2 cents!  Treasure him! Treasure every single moment with him.  Light up and run and kiss him when he walks in the door.  Don't sit alone while he's sleeping!  Crawl in bed with him!  Snuggle up to him!  Pretend this is the first time you've ever been with him!  Give him LOVE!!!!!
> Nothing in common?  MAKE  things in common!  Get up at 3 AM with him and make him hot cocao or an omelet!  Find out what interests him and develop a STONG interest in it!  Be exciting!  Be fresh!  Be new!  Play the music he loves.  Cook the food he loves!  Give all you are to  him!
> Adapt your schedule to HIS.  Be asleep when  he's asleep and be up when he's up!  be there for himinEVERY WAY!
> You don't know what a great gift it is to find love!  To have this man as your own!  Just love him like crazy!!!!!  That's all i have to say.


So I'll add my 2 cents....You made me cry....I have a sister in law that lost her husband (my husband's brother)….I call her on the phone
just to keep her company....She lives 2 hours away from us....You are right gaer….Many of my friend's have lost their husbands..
My husband is not well at this time, and we are still in love and do everything together....I bring him to his Doctor's and he even
will go to the store with me....Mostly he stays in the car...If it's a long walk....We were married at 20 years old....Still with each other
almost 55 years....Yes you are right.....Treasure each other.....Life is short....We both worked, but we still would have dinner with each other
I feel for that lady....


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## peppermint (Jun 8, 2020)

Ronni said:


> It is most definitely a two way street.
> 
> I spent 30+ years contorting myself into all kinds of weird pretzel shapes trying to be what my husband wanted me to be.  It was a miserable, wretched time, made so much worse by the fact that he was abusive, domineering, controlling, text book narcissist.  Even if he hadn't been any of that, still I wasn't interested in an "Ozzie and Harriet" kind of marriage where's he's the king of his castle and I'm his loyal servant who never complains and is always at his beck and call.   Nope.  If it's not an equal partnership then it's not worth it.
> 
> ...


Sorry for you having to put up with abuse....Hope you are well and having a life for yourself...You sound like a great lady...


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## LindaB (Jun 9, 2020)

Patros said:


> I was married for 21years, actually 21 too many. While we had quite a lot in common, he chose to leap from hobby to hobby, discarding them all once he became proficient. People would say oh, you should take it up too, so you can do it together - well I say bollocks to that, life’s too short. I don’t believe in giving up your self in order to pander to your partner, especially if he doesn’t reciprocate. He even chose to change his job so he would work seven days a week. I say, if a person can’t be bothered to meet you halfway, if they persist in making themselves unavailable, then they don’t want to be with you. Once I had proof that he was also seeing another lady, I cut loose and it was the best move I ever made. I’ve been happily single now for twenty years, I’ve travelled, have my own home and can do what I like. Life definitely doesn’t have to be a compromise. And frankly, the days of playing the little woman pleasing her man went out in the 70’s.


I quite agree with working on compromise and communication. If that fails, life can still be fulfilling on your own terms.
We, as women, really did ourselves in with,
"I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you're a man."


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