# My Friend’s Money Issue



## 911 (Oct 10, 2019)

Last week, I received a call from a fellow that I was in the Marines with. We’ve kept in touch over the years and even met up at one of our reunions and also met in Nashville once. He reminded me that his wife died 3 years ago and he just wanted to get away and thought that he would maybe head out and start driving. He then told me that he always wanted to visit Gettysburg and remembered me talking about it and how close I lived to it at our last reunion, so he thought he would visit here and asked what else is there to do around here. He’s from Oklahoma. 

I told him that my wife is away, so why doesn’t he plan on staying with me? After trying to convince him to stay here for a few minutes, he agreed, so I am looking forward to his visit in a few days. During the phone conversation, he told me that last spring, he bought a bunch of lottery tickets and won $2,000,000.00 of which he received $1.45 million. He said that he never told his kids, (he has a son and daughter), but after he got the check and went to the bank, he invited his kids to a dinner at a steakhouse where he lives. 

After dinner, he told the kids how much he won and he wanted to pay off their homes. The son said that he owed about $280,000.00 and the daughter said that she owed about $160,000.00. My friend told the kids no problem that tomorrow he would go to their bank, (both had their mortgages at the same bank), and payoff their homes. He then told me that the next thing he knew, his daughter was raising cane because his son got $120,000.00 more than she did, so he owed her the difference. He asked me what was my opinion. 

I told him, “Oh, no. I don’t get involved in family arguments. You guys need to work it out.” He then told me that after listening to the 2 of them going back and forth, he told the both of them to just forget it. He was sorry that he ever brought it up or made the offer. He has now decided that nobody gets anything. He was rescinding the offer. Now, no one is talking to anyone, so that’s why he has decided to take this trip.


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## win231 (Oct 10, 2019)

Yeah, that's a familiar story.  Money frequently does that to families.  It sometimes brings out the greed in people.
I must be in the minority - I don't look at things like that.  My parents bought my brother a business, 3 cars, 3 houses, & also spent a fortune keeping him out of prison after a felony conviction for fraud. (he's been a thief his whole life).  They never helped me financially & I couldn't care less.
I just worked & never got into trouble.  When our parents died, my brother tried to get everything in our parents' will and trust.  We spent 7 years in probate & in the end, he had to sell his house to buy everyone out & pay his legal bills.


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## hollydolly (Oct 10, 2019)

I would have still paid the son, after all he did nothing to deserve the greedy daughter kicking off and causing him  and his family to suffer financially . However the daughter would have got nothing at all..it sounds to me as rhough the daughter would have just gone on wanting more and more money!!!!

I hate greed!!


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## 911 (Oct 10, 2019)

hollydolly said:


> I would have still paid the son, after all he did nothing to deserve the greedy daughter kicking off and causing him  and his family to suffer financially . However the daughter would have got nothing at all..it sounds to me as rhough the daughter would have just gone on wanting more and more money!!!!
> 
> I hate greed!!


I don’t know why, maybe it’s the cop in me, but I always like to hear the other side of the story. I keep thinking there has to be more to this. After he gets here and we have a chance to talk, maybe I’ll learn more.


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## 911 (Oct 10, 2019)

win231 said:


> Yeah, that's a familiar story.  Money frequently does that to families.  It sometimes brings out the greed in people.
> I must be in the minority - I don't look at things like that.  My parents bought my brother a business, 3 cars, 3 houses, & also spent a fortune keeping him out of prison after a felony conviction for fraud. (he's been a thief his whole life).  They never helped me financially & I couldn't care less.
> I just worked & never got into trouble.  When our parents died, my brother tried to get everything in our parents' will and trust.  We spent 7 years in probate & in the end, he had to sell his house to buy everyone out & pay his legal bills.


Probate can be very rewarding to the attorney. I’m sure he was thankful.


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## Aunt Bea (Oct 10, 2019)

I would have kept the amounts equal but no matter how he chose to do it his children should be thankful that he is spending it on them instead of some Vegas showgirl with _"champagne wishes and caviar dreams."_.


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## Kaila (Oct 10, 2019)

I think you were right to not advise him, because whatever we ourselves might think, might turn out to not be liked by some other family, and to not turn out well for them.

I would try to continue with just being a listener, just hear him out, and hope he comes to some better optional ideas, that he is comfortable with, after he's had some time away from them, and cleared his mind, and gotten some friendship time.

If i were him, i might have given them each a gift of the same amount, and let them decide what to do with it.
But it would be less than the son's mortgage, so that idea would probably make the son mad now.


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## Trade (Oct 10, 2019)

911 said:


> I told him, “Oh, no. I don’t get involved in family arguments.



There.


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## JustBonee (Oct 10, 2019)

He got 1.45 million  ....  how about paying both his kids  mortgages off,  and then a check to the daughter for the $120,000 difference.  
He would be  left with nearly 1 million dollars after that anyway.    Couldn't he survive on that??

Sometimes it's just  nice to be poor and not have such troubles.


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## 911 (Oct 10, 2019)

Bonnie said:


> He got 1.45 million  ....  how about paying both his kids  mortgages off,  and then a check to the daughter for the $120,000 difference.
> He would be  left with nearly 1 million dollars after that anyway.    Couldn't he survive on that??
> 
> Sometimes it's just  nice to be poor and not have such troubles.


He was upset that instead of being grateful, a malicious argument broke out. (His words.) He also told me that it got rather loud and he threw down the money for the check, plus tip and left.


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## JustBonee (Oct 10, 2019)

911 said:


> He was upset that instead of being grateful, a malicious argument broke out. (His words.) He also told me that it got rather loud and he threw down the money for the check, plus tip and left.



Shame that things seem to turn out that way too often with  these types of situations   ... Maybe after a cool down,  there will be a change of heart.


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## win231 (Oct 10, 2019)

911 said:


> Probate can be very rewarding to the attorney. I’m sure he was thankful.


He sure was.  He got 3% of the value of 3 properties worth around 5.5 million.


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## Gary O' (Oct 10, 2019)

911 said:


> Now, no one is talking to anyone


Sometimes things just work out

Reminds me of a poster I created in another life


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## 911 (Oct 10, 2019)

win231 said:


> He sure was.  He got 3% of the value of 3 properties worth around 5.5 million.


How long did it take to get it through probate?


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## 911 (Oct 10, 2019)

It sometimes behooves me to think that my kids would act like this. My wife and I inherited a great deal from both of our parents . However, the money was set up in trusts and assigned to my sister and myself, along with a few charities. We have not touched a penny of our trusts, but the same can’t be said for my sister. 
We have a pretty good attorney and he has assured us that there shouldn’t be any need to worry about probate. But, as I have learned from others, there’s always the unknown.


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## C'est Moi (Oct 10, 2019)

I would have given each of my children an equal amount.   Giving the son that much more wasn't really fair.


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## StarSong (Oct 10, 2019)

I would have given my children equal amounts, as well.  It's unfortunate that it turned ugly, but the weird way he orchestrated this conversation set the stage for drama. 

Even adult children can be very sensitive to feeling less loved by parents than a sibling is - whether or not it's true. Why do anything to goose along that kind of resentment?

No way I would make that kind of announcement in a public place, and I surely would have anticipated how to manage the situation if the kids' unpaid mortgages were different amounts.

A generous gesture, but one your friend didn't think through IMHO.


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## treeguy64 (Oct 10, 2019)

Uh-be, uh-be, uh-be, uh-be......Th, th,th,th, That's All Folks! I'd stay waaaaayyyyy the hell out of it!


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## win231 (Oct 10, 2019)

911 said:


> How long did it take to get it through probate?


7 years.


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## Catlady (Oct 10, 2019)

I'm all for balance and fairness.   If one child treats me decent and the other treats me badly, the good child will get it all.  If one child is careful with money and the other one is wasteful, the responsible child will get most if not all.  In this case if both children treated him the same, then his ''gift'' should have been equal in $$.  I really don't think the daughter was ''greedy'', it is the principle of the thing, the proposed gifts WERE unfair and lopsided.  

Maybe the daughter's mortgage was lower because she could not afford a more expensive house for whatever reason (unless she was a waster and financially irresponsible with her money).  Anyway, maybe it's best if you stay out of it and let him fix his own family dysfunction.  Maybe he'll end up giving his money to some golddigger down the road.


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## RadishRose (Oct 10, 2019)

The older generations usually liked to leave the oldest son everything rather than to a daughter,. They figure the son has to support his family, while a daughter should be taken care of by her husband.

Things have changed. 

This poor guy spoke before he thought. I think he should tell them to forget about his involvement with their mortgages but instead, give each a check for the same amount of money, whatever he wants.... but making them understand it is a gift to show his affection and share his windfall, but he is *NOT considering any mortgages.*

Any squawking or disrespect for his kindness; tear up the check and make a will leaving the bulk of his estate to his grandchildren if there are any. Otherwise, name someone else as the beneficiary. JMO


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## Camper6 (Oct 11, 2019)

Bonnie said:


> He got 1.45 million  ....  how about paying both his kids  mortgages off,  and then a check to the daughter for the $120,000 difference.
> He would be  left with nearly 1 million dollars after that anyway.    Couldn't he survive on that??
> 
> Sometimes it's just  nice to be poor and not have such troubles.


The deal was he would pay off their mortgages and all they had to do was say thank you.


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## WhatInThe (Oct 11, 2019)

Exactly. Pay off the mortgage. Even though the dollar amount isn't equal they both will own their home, not the bank. That's alot more than most wind up from their parents while alive.

I wonder if the father spent money on private school or college and which sibling chose the most expensive one. Should the father pay the difference on that too.  This is why the goal of the exercise needs to emphasized, Pay off the mortgage. If the daughter was that huffy about it she should have rejected the offer and proceeded to lobby for the equal amount.

I can relate to the daughter because after seeing certain family members have their messes cleaned up and lifestyle enabled/ paid for by the parents leaving less for everybody it is frustrating. But free money is free money. Can play the righteous indignation game or move on.


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## Catlady (Oct 11, 2019)

RadishRose said:


> The older generations usually liked to leave the oldest son everything rather than to a daughter,. They figure the son has to support his family, while a daughter should be taken care of by her husband.


My ex-husband's immediate family still live in Italy.  In their region it is the custom that whichever child stays to take care of the parents inherits the house.  His sister got married and he lives in the US, so his younger brother married and stayed in the house and runs the vignard.  He gets to keep the house and vignard.  My ex does not resent it, it is the custom there, he goes to visit for one month every year.  I think the fairest thing this guy can do now to mend the relationship is, like you said, give a check for an equal amount to each one and if one refuses it the hell with it.


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## gennie (Oct 11, 2019)

I can only say what I would have done had the same thing happened to me  .....  "I had a bit of luck recently.  I'm giving each of you 1/2 M ($500,000).  The rest is mine to do with as I wish.  If there is any left when I'm gone, you're welcome to it but until then, no requests or suggestions for its use."


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## Linda (Oct 14, 2019)

I have a low opinion of your friend.  I'm anxious to hear about his visit with you, if you care to tell us.  Its weird to me he didn't tell his kids when he first won the $.  I think it's odd he chose to tell them about it in a public place.  I think he has a big ego problem.


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## Judycat (Oct 14, 2019)

Parents can be weird with money too. Chosing which child treated them better is rather spiteful, as is making an offer then calling it off because they don't like the way the offer was received. They are your kids not some people who happened to live in the same house with you for a while. Blah. I was always considered less than my brother so I've been in the same place as that guy's children. It was like they kept a secret tally of who did what and when. Parents can be real jerks.


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## applecruncher (Oct 14, 2019)

@911

Your friend should have kept his mouth shut. He made too much of a production. 

He shouldn't have told his kids, you, or anyone other than an attorney and accountant. If he felt compelled to pay kid's mortgages seems to me he could have done so as an anonymous confidential donor.

Sounds like he enjoys his "Woe is me, I have all this money and it's creating problems, what am I to do?" role.

Since he didn't keep his mouth shut, I'd tell him his money problems are HIS and I'm not interested in hearing anymore about it. If he brings it up again tell him to make a few large donations to St. Jude's children's hospital, local food pantries, and homeless shelters, then change the subject.


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## 911 (Oct 14, 2019)

He’s here until Tuesday. We have talked about it. You may be somewhat surprised of some of what went on. He’s not a member of this forum, so I’ll let you know later.


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## AnnieA (Oct 14, 2019)

gennie said:


> I can only say what I would have done had the same thing happened to me  .....  "I had a bit of luck recently.  I'm giving each of you 1/2 M ($500,000).  The rest is mine to do with as I wish.  If there is any left when I'm gone, you're welcome to it but until then, no requests or suggestions for its use."



Agreed.


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## Linda (Oct 14, 2019)

911 said:


> He’s here until Tuesday. We have talked about it. You may be somewhat surprised of some of what went on. He’s not a member of this forum, so I’ll let you know later.


Well, I think by now you know some of us are nosy, so I'll be glad to hear what you have to tell us.  I hope it's that he's shared some of his big bucks with the kids.


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## StarSong (Oct 15, 2019)

Linda said:


> Well, I think by now you know some of us are nosy, so I'll be glad to hear what you have to tell us.  I hope it's that he's shared some of his big bucks with the kids.


Exactly, Linda.  This particular story fascinates me, too!  Haven't we all thought about how we might bless others with our generosity if we came into a heap of money?


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## Aunt Bea (Oct 15, 2019)

This thread reminds me of the old saying: *'No good deed goes unpunished'*_._

It is very difficult to provide life-changing aid or assistance to individuals without offending them in some way or changing your relationship with them. 

It is much easier/safer to quietly donate to a worthwhile cause without drawing attention to yourself in the process.


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## 911 (Oct 15, 2019)

So, my friend left here today just after 1:30. We had a good visit and he really enjoyed Gettysburg. With him being from Tennessee originally, he had to tour all the monuments with names on them looking for one with his last name. He definitely needed to get away. The man is very confused right now because his wife died 3 or do years ago and his 2 adult children don’t get along.

He told me that he was really excited to win the money. (Well, yeah.) His first thought was to somehow share it with his two kids, so what better way than to pay off their homes. He never thought that one of them would accuse him of cheating them out of money. The 2 kids have not been getting along since their mom died. His daughter thought she should have been cremated because she had spoken about it to her, but never mentioned it to anyone else and didn’t leave her wishes in any documents. The son accused her of lying because, according to him, if his mom would have wished to be cremated, she would have told him because he was her favorite. My friend said that was what started the back and forth. 

Anyway, he told his daughter that she wasn’t getting any extra money and if she couldn’t be gracious enough to accept what he wanted to do, he wasn’t going to even do that. (Pay off her home.) He then told me that he hated to go back home, so instead, he’s going down to visit another friend that he had grown up with in Tennessee, but now lives in  southern Kentucky. He also said that he’s considering moving to Florida, maybe find a nice lady and settle down again. He says he is lonely. I wished him well and thanked him for his visit. We had fun talking about the “good old days.”


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## Kaila (Oct 15, 2019)

Camper6 said:


> The deal was he would pay off their mortgages and all they had to do was say thank you.



Your update reminded me of this comment on this thread, which did seem very sensible to me, even though I originally had a slightly different idea, to make the $ amounts equal.

Many people seem to have difficulty simply saying those 2 words.  "Thank you"
(Or 3 words, "thank you dad" or "thank you mom"   Seems sad )

Then again, you were right, 911, when you thought, that there was more to this story.  The 2 adult children already had disagreements with each other, that spill over into their relationships with their lonely dad.  Sounds unfortunately, very common too.


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## Kaila (Oct 15, 2019)

I forgot to add, that I am glad both of you had a good visit, and that he took the trip there.


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## C'est Moi (Oct 15, 2019)

Sorry to hear that he feels it's OK to be more generous to one child over another.   I think I know why he is "lonely."


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## Catlady (Oct 15, 2019)

911 said:


> He also said that he’s considering moving to Florida, maybe find a nice lady and settle down again. He says he is lonely.



Hope that ''nice lady'' won't be after his money and will get it all instead of his children.


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## applecruncher (Oct 15, 2019)

PVC said:


> Hope that ''nice lady'' won't be after his money and will get it all instead of his children.



This is one reason friend needs to _keep his mouth shut_.
Won lottery $$ + lonely = sitting duck.
Hope he's taken care of estate matters.
He's under no obligation to give money to his kids.


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## 911 (Oct 16, 2019)

applecruncher said:


> This is one reason friend needs to _keep his mouth shut_.
> Won lottery $$ + lonely = sitting duck.
> Hope he's taken care of estate matters.
> He's under no obligation to give money to his kids.


I warned him that if he was going to follow through with his plans and go to Florida to find love, to be careful. A lot of cougars down there. (No disrespect intended.) He’s only around 60, so he’s fair game.


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## StarSong (Oct 18, 2019)

I keep mulling this over in my mind and cannot help but think that if he and his wife treated their children unequally while raising them, that would surely help explain their animosity toward one another.  

Giving my kids different amounts from a lottery winning would be more unthinkable than giving them nothing at all.


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## RadishRose (Oct 18, 2019)

911 said:


> I warned him that if he was going to follow through with his plans and go to Florida to find love, to be careful. A lot of cougars down there. (No disrespect intended.) He’s only around 60, so he’s fair game.



Oh boy, wait till the kids find out he's looking for love (now that he can afford it). They're gonna hit the roof!!


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## gennie (Oct 18, 2019)

The Cougar Club at The Villages in central FL would probably buy him a house and pay him to live there.


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## 911 (Oct 18, 2019)

gennie said:


> The Cougar Club at The Villages in central FL would probably buy him a house and pay him to live there.


Really? Are you joshing? I mean, just that there is an actual club named “The CougarClub?”


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## Catlady (Oct 18, 2019)

LOL, they once had a tv sitcom with 3 ''cougars'' in Florida.  Not sure, but I think one of the cougars was the actress with black hair on ''Friends''.

911, I hope you keep us updated what happens to your friend in Florida, nosey me wants to know.  Men are outnumbered by women in the senior years and most (not all) of those women fight tooth and nail for those few available males.  Senior men should be glad.  I used to watch a British sitcom called  ''Waiting for God'' about seniors living in a retired community and this homely senior guy slept with most of the women there.


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## gennie (Oct 18, 2019)

911 said:


> Really? Are you joshing? I mean, just that there is an actual club named “The CougarClub?”



Just joshing but I'm sure they are there, going by other names.  By reputation, that place is a very 'active' place to live.


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## debodun (Oct 18, 2019)

This is a problem I will never have. I don't give money to ANYONE, even the church.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Oct 19, 2019)

Just in case you might be thinking that all grown kids are ungrateful wretches, from time to time I give money to one or the other of them when needed. They have rarely asked. Some months ago, my son lost a big contract and lived on savings for a while, but finances were getting pretty tight. He asked if I would loan him a month's worth of living expenses, and I gave him what he needed. (Because I never "loan" anything I can't afford to lose!) Today he and his partner took me to lunch and gave me a check for way more than I gave them, even though I told them at the time that it was a gift.

When I've assumed room temperature, as they say, it might be that they argue over who got more or deserved more or deserves more, but I don't foresee that happening at all. And I've never kept a running total of which one got how much or for what reason.

For as often as I've been one who's asked "Where did I go wrong?" now I can say "I must have done something right."


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## Catlady (Oct 19, 2019)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> He asked if I would loan him a month's worth of living expenses, and I gave him what he needed. (Because I never "loan" anything I can't afford to lose!) Today he and his partner took me to lunch and gave me a check for way more than I gave them, even though I told them at the time that it was a gift.


You have reason to be proud.  I wish everyone, not just our children, were so responsible and appreciative.  Those are the kind of people that is a joy to help.


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## OneEyedDiva (Nov 5, 2019)

Bonnie said:


> He got 1.45 million  ....  how about paying both his kids  mortgages off,  and then a check to the daughter for the $120,000 difference.
> He would be  left with nearly 1 million dollars after that anyway.    Couldn't he survive on that??
> 
> Sometimes it's just  nice to be poor and not have such troubles.


Why should he cater to his greedy, b*tch daughter?!  She couldn't be very grateful that she'd be mortgage free due to her father's generosity?!!  I agree that an ingrate should get nothing. It's too bad the son had to suffer for what she started though.


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## OneEyedDiva (Nov 5, 2019)

You are right to stay out of it 911.  I can't believe how ungrateful his daughter is.  I bet this whole scenario is eating away at him.


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## hollydolly (Nov 5, 2019)

PVC said:


> LOL, they once had a tv sitcom with 3 ''cougars'' in Florida.  Not sure, but I think one of the cougars was the actress with black hair on ''Friends''.
> 
> 911, I hope you keep us updated what happens to your friend in Florida, nosey me wants to know.  Men are outnumbered by women in the senior years and most (not all) of those women fight tooth and nail for those few available males.  Senior men should be glad.  *I used to watch a British sitcom called  ''Waiting for God'' about seniors living in a retired community and this homely senior guy slept with most of the women there.*



LOL...no he did not ( Tom Ballard)... he had all the women chasing after him because they vastly outnumbered the men, but he didn't sleep with any of them. He only had eyes for the one woman who was mean to him!!


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## Catlady (Nov 5, 2019)

hollydolly said:


> LOL...no he did not ( Tom Ballard)... he had all the women chasing after him because they vastly outnumbered the men, but he didn't sleep with any of them. He only had eyes for the one woman who was mean to him!!


No, I was talking about Basil Makepeace, the resident Lothario there.  I liked Tom, he was a perfect foil for Diana.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098945/


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## hollydolly (Nov 5, 2019)

PVC said:


> No, I was talking about Basil Makepeace, the resident Lothario there.  I liked Tom, he was a perfect foil for Diana.
> https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098945/


 oooh I seee...LOL>..Yes I'd forgotten about him, he was like an ugly old leprechaun on ******


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