# I need advice/help with question about son



## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

I would like to have a little one on one with my son.  Just take him, alone for a nice quite dinner.  I do not want to offend my DIL, she goes on trips with her Mom, out to dinner with Mom and sister my son not included.   Should I not be allowed private time, just me and the son alone or am I just creating a problem?  How do I phrase this invitation? I want to take you out for dinner, just you and me alone? Most of the time it is all of us together or me, son and grandson.  I just want a little time just me and my son.  Is that a bad thing?


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## katlupe (Dec 18, 2022)

No, it is not a bad thing. I can understand wanting to be alone with your son, your child. Maybe offer it as his Christmas present from you. Just for you and him alone. I would just say or write it in a card, "Son, I want to go out to dinner with you alone, for some mother and son time which I don't get with you very often."


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## Trish (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> I would like to have a little one on one with my son.  Just take him, alone for a nice quite dinner.  I do not want to offend my DIL, she goes on trips with her Mom, out to dinner with Mom and sister my son not included.   Should I not be allowed private time, just me and the son alone or am I just creating a problem?  How do I phrase this invitation? I want to take you out for dinner, just you and me alone? Most of the time it is all of us together or me, son and grandson.  I just want a little time just me and my son.  Is that a bad thing?


I think the only way it would cause offence is if there was some criticism of your DIL meeting her mum and sister alone othewise, it seems to me a nice idea to perhaps say how lovely it is that your DIL has time with her mum and sister and perhaps you and your son could have some mum and son meet-ups too.


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## Disgustedman (Dec 18, 2022)

I can't see an issue with that. After I hit 30, Mom and I would hit a great Chinese place to eat. We'd talk about our jobs, and other issues.


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## Gary O' (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> I just want a little time just me and my son. Is that a bad thing?


Not at all
I so wish my Mom wudda done that.
*I* asked *her* a few times...she was 'busy'
We did have some alone time..... on her death bed
Wasn't pretty
'What are* you* doing here?!'
Felt like the grim reaper
Tempted to say 'waiting'

@Blessed
Do *NOT *deny that precious alone time with yer son.
No matter who thinks what


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## Lewkat (Dec 18, 2022)

Ask him.  I've done so with my son, and it was fine.


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## hearlady (Dec 18, 2022)

I feel the same way so I'll borrow the advice you receive here.


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## Pepper (Dec 18, 2022)

I see my son alone often and speak on the phone, alone, almost every day.  It's hard for some guys to be close to their "mommy."  Tell him you need him sometimes.  Just him.


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## Been There (Dec 18, 2022)

I wouldn’t hesitate to ask my son (if I had one) out for dinner and cocktails. Maybe give the d-i-l a heads up that you were going to do that, but just do it. I’m with Gary O’ on this. I wish my mom were still alive and asked me out for dinner. Nothing would stop me from doing it.


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## NorthernLight (Dec 18, 2022)

@Blessed  Objectively speaking, I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Why do you think it might be a problem?


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## RadishRose (Dec 18, 2022)

I don't see a problem here. 
Just say, "Let's go to dinner, just you and me, my treat."
Don't over explain anything.


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## Jules (Dec 18, 2022)

Is your DIL a strong-willed person and that’s why you’re hesitating.  

Does your son ever come over and visit you by himself?  

Does he have a lunch hour when you could meet in a restaurant.  It would test the waters.


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## fuzzybuddy (Dec 18, 2022)

Why don't you ask your son for a one to one? He's the one with the wife.  And it wouldn't hurt to offer your DIL the same?


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## Pinky (Dec 18, 2022)

Daughter and I often had (before Covid) "girls day" out, shopping & dinner. SIL and hubs never felt left out.


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## Gaer (Dec 18, 2022)

Nothing I can add.  You have some great advise here from some intelligent ladies!
Just don't overthink it!   Maybe take the DIL out to lunch, (just her and you) some other time.

You're so lucky!  Both of my children live thousands of miles away.
They call maybe once a month.  We have a lot of fun on the phone, but still.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Trish said:


> I think the only way it would cause offence is if there was some criticism of your DIL meeting her mum and sister alone othewise, it seems to me a nice idea to perhaps say how lovely it is that your DIL has time with her mum and sister and perhaps you and your son could have some mum and son meet-ups too.


I have nothing bad to say about DIL or her Mom.  Love them both deeply that is why I am so torn to ask for time alone with just my son. I just worry they may see it differently.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> @Blessed  Objectively speaking, I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Why do you think it might be a problem?


I just do not know if the DIL may take offense even though she spends time with her Mom and sister alone.


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## palides2021 (Dec 18, 2022)

There are so many questions running in my mind, and forgive me for being curious - here they are:
-Have you done this before with your son?
-What is the motivation to go out with him only?
-Has your son ever asked you out alone?
-Is he your only son?
-How is your relationship with your son?


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> @Blessed  Objectively speaking, I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Why do you think it might be a problem?



I do not know, I sometimes think she DIL does not understand how much I love my son.  She takes time a way with her widowed Mom and sister.  Her Mom lost her Dad coming up on 2 years.  I lost my husband, son's father 12 years ago.  Most all people think I should be over it by now, not the case. 

 I love all of them but sometimes I would just like some time alone with my son without distractions. I tread lightly because I don't want her to think there I am doing something she would object to.  The whole thing is just complicated.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

palides2021 said:


> There are so many questions running in my mind, and forgive me for being curious - here they are:
> -Have you done this before with your son?
> -What is the motivation to go out with him only?
> -Has your son ever asked you out alone?
> ...


He is my only child, our relationship is strong.  We went out all the time without his Dad (who has now passed).  The motivation is for him to be able to speak freely about his life, how things are going. Since he has been married he has not asked me out alone, he has invited me out but the grandson was always included.  You can speak about adult problems or concerns in front of a child.


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## NorthernLight (Dec 18, 2022)

Talk to your daughter-in-law about it. Ask if she'd mind. Do you think that would work?


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> Talk to your daughter-in-law about it. Ask if she'd mind. Do you think that would work?


No, that will not work, I do not have a problem with her but I think she has a problem with me.  She knows I am right here, if something happens in their marriage, my son has choices.


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## Sassycakes (Dec 18, 2022)

I don't see anything wrong with a Mother and son having time together. I would never mind if my husband spent time with his mother in fact I suggested it and he would take his Mom to dinner.


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## Llynn (Dec 18, 2022)

The Mother Son relationship is special. No matter his age or size, a guy just needs his Mom every now and then. Do it.


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## Lara (Dec 18, 2022)

It's a great idea! My son is 37, his dad died when he was age 2. Has 3 sisters. He traveled from Alaska to spend Christmas with us and will probably stay for awhile. I've been cooking for him and he's all about it.

We actually spend a lot of time together without the girls since they're so busy right now. Walks on the beach, TV viewing of Christmas movies and "Alone" which is a streaming survival series of episodes that takes place on an island Alaska located near where he was. In fact, he says he doesn't want to watch it when I'm not with him because he enjoys the ritual of morning coffee and breakfast while we watch it.

Breakfast is always the same lol...he just likes it alot. . BLT using "Black Label Maple Bacon", fresh ripe Heirloom tomatoes, Mayo, and Kale on warm Sourdough toast. Coffee of course.


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## palides2021 (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> He is my only child, our relationship is strong.  We went out all the time without his Dad (who has now passed).  The motivation is for him to be able to speak freely about his life, how things are going. Since he has been married he has not asked me out alone, he has invited me out but the grandson was always included.  You can speak about adult problems or concerns in front of a child.


If this is about you and him, then go for it, but if it's about you and him talking about his relationship with his wife, then that's another story. When I was a newlywed, my MIL had a hard time letting go of her son. She wanted us to go everywhere they went. She even wanted us to go to a Thanksgiving dinner at someone's house. Growing up, I always had my holidays at home, and felt strongly against going out. Needless to say,  he went out with his parents on Thanksgiving and I stayed home. Our relationship survived, but grew stronger when we moved away.


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## RadishRose (Dec 18, 2022)

Just ask DIL if she could recommend a place your son would like to eat because you're going to ask him out to dinner- *just the two of you*. I wouldn't ask her permission!

If you suspect he might need to complain about his marriage to you, think again.
1- You're better off not knowing.
2- He may not want to cause you any worry.

Just do it.


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## Right Now (Dec 18, 2022)

I have a DIL who is bipolar.  She feels a need to be the center of attention and the only one who can handle things.
As a result, she has caused a rift between my son and myself. 
 He's had four heart attacks, and I'm the one he calls every time to get him to the hospital.  She knows this ( 3 times before they were married).  If I try and make it easier for my son to recuperate by taking care of her children, cooking dinner, shopping for groceries so my son can rest while she is working, she resents it.
So.....I don't make my son feel he has to take sides.  I simply stay away, and don't give her an excuse to be mean or ignore me.
So far, they are still together.  So far, I know he loves me but there is no way around it.

If you can have some alone time with your son, @Blessed  I say try it and see.   I wish I had been more forceful.


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## Nathan (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> No, that will not work, I do not have a problem with her but *I think she has a problem with me.*  She knows I am right here, if something happens in their marriage, my son has choices.


O.K., so that's the issue.  Well, maybe just let your son know that you'd like a_ one-on-one,_ perhaps he's aware of his wife's feelings towards you, and can find a way...


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## RadishRose (Dec 18, 2022)

Lara said:


> It's a great idea! My son is 37, his dad died when he was age 2. Has 3 sisters. He traveled from Alaska to spend Christmas with us and will probably stay for awhile. I've been cooking for him and he's all about it.
> 
> We actually spend a lot of time together without the girls since they're so busy right now. Walks on the beach, TV viewing of Christmas movies and "Alone" which is a streaming survival series of episodes that takes place on an island Alaska located near where he was. In fact, he says he doesn't want to watch it when I'm not with him because he enjoys the ritual of morning coffee and breakfast while we watch it.
> 
> Breakfast is always the same lol...he just likes it alot. . BLT using "Black Label Maple Bacon", fresh ripe Heirloom tomatoes, Mayo, and Kale warmed in the pan. Coffee of course.


Very sweet.

What? @Lara, you don't massage your kale???
tsk, tsk.


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## Remy (Dec 18, 2022)

Is it wrong? Absolutely not. I think it's very normal. Without knowing the dynamic of your family, I don't know how the DIL would react. Believe me, I came from a very unnormal upbringing so I know things can get really twisted when there is nothing to twist. If that makes any sense.


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## Bellbird (Dec 18, 2022)

I can't see why there should be a problem. Your DIL enjoys time alone with her Mum and Sister so what is the difference. I wonder how your son feels about his wife leaving him out of those visits.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Nathan said:


> O.K., so that's the issue.  Well, maybe just let your son know that you'd like a_ one-on-one,_ perhaps he's aware of his wife's feelings towards you, and can find a way...



Thanks, Nathan.  It is a strange situation to be in.  She seems to not want to see me.  I look after after the grandson a lot when they have things, concerts, parties, etc....but she does not come when the grandson is picked up or she waits in the car  WTF, I want to tell her what he ate, if he slept well, if he was cranky etc...

I just feel cut off, I am taking care of your son, your baby, you should be interested in how he did, that he may not be feeling well etc.....


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Bellbird said:


> I can't see why there should be a problem. Your DIL enjoys time alone with her Mum and Sister so what is the difference. I wonder how your son feels about his wife leaving him out of those visits.



Well I would not know how he feels about it.  I can't have a normal one on one relationship to talk about things of that nature.  I want to make sure he is happy!!


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## Pepper (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> Thanks, Nathan.  It is a strange situation to be in.  She seems to not want to see me.  I look after after the grandson a lot when they have things, concerts, parties, etc....but she does not come when the grandson is picked up or she waits in the car  WTF, I want to tell her what he ate, if he slept well, if he was cranky etc...
> 
> I just feel cut off, I am taking care of your son, your baby, you should be interested in how he did, that he may not be feeling well etc.....


Hey!  You want to see HIM, not her, and dontcha dare complain to him about that stuff.  She's figuring he gets the answers to the questions you think she should be asking.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Remy said:


> Is it wrong? Absolutely not. I think it's very normal. Without knowing the dynamic of your family, I don't know how the DIL would react. Believe me, I came from a very unnormal upbringing so I know things can get really twisted when there is nothing to twist. If that makes any sense.



That is why I step back, I do not know her family dynamics. This maybe how she was raised.  I do not want to create a problem but I do want time with my son without outside influences.  I want him to be able to speak freely about anything.


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## Pepper (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> No, that will not work, I do not have a problem with her but I think she has a problem with me.  She knows I am right here, if something happens in their marriage, my son has choices.


I can't tell you how absurd your conclusion is.  If he's a grown man and splits with his wife, why would he want to live with his mother?

Blessed, you're in your own way.  The less we think, sometimes, the better


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## Remy (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> That is why I step back, I do not know her family dynamics. This maybe how she was raised.  I do not want to create a problem but I do want time with my son without outside influences.  I want him to be able to speak freely about anything.


Does she work? Any chance you can go out to lunch with your son while she is at work?


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Hey!  You want to see HIM, not her, and dontcha dare complain to him about that stuff.  She's figuring he gets the answers to the questions you think she should be asking.


God forbid!! I would never say anything to him, never complain.  I just want to know how he is feeling, how things are going. I just want to make sure he is happy, no work worries, no financial worries, the big things.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Pepper said:


> I can't tell you how absurd your conclusion is.  If he's a grown man and splits with his wife, why would he want to live with his mother?
> 
> Blessed, you're in your own way.  The less we think, sometimes, the better


I did not say he would come live with me but I could be a back up for somethings for a little while.  I am not in my own way, I would just like to be able to have an open, honest conversation with my kid. What is wrong with that?


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## Pepper (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> I did not say he would come live with me but I could be a back up for somethings for a little while.  I am not in my own way, I would just like to be able to have an open, honest conversation with my kid. What is wrong with that?


Nothing wrong.  You're a wonderful lady.  Just trying to understand.  Sorry, I get a bit on a roll!


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## Della (Dec 18, 2022)

I would tread lightly with this, Blessed.  She _shouldn't_ mind one bit, but if she's already prickly toward you she might take offence.  Sure, you should have time alone with your son, but I can see her saying the time with her mother and sister is "girl time" and this is different.   None of it would be fair to you but I would hate to see you be an excuse for a fight between them.

Call me sneaky but that's what I would be.  Wait until you know she's out with her MIL and call your son, ask him to pop over and keep you company, or to go to a favorite restaurant with you.  If he's watching the grandson have something ready for him to play with so the two of you can just talk.


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## RadishRose (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> I can't have a normal one on one relationship to talk about things of that nature. I want to make sure he is happy!!


I think talking about "things of that nature" 
is something your son does NOT want to do with you. That's not abnormal. It's his marriage and some things men consider as private. Not something he wants to run to Mommy about. A man should become protective of his mother, IMO.

"I want to make sure he is happy!!" 
So, what if you find out he isn't?
What can you do about it? You can't make him happy. You will just grieve if he isn't and you grieving would make things worse for him.

Yes it's hurtful that she doesn't want a report from you about the child after you've baby-sat. I'm sure you've given the info to his dad.

There's that old saying:
"your son is your son till he takes a wife
your daughter's your daughter the rest of your life."


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

yes, I know that old saying, but it was not true for my husband. He always made sure his parents were taken care of until his death.  Things that needed to be done at their house took center stage.  I had no problem with that, that was one of the reasons I fell in love.  He was very attentive to the needs of every older person in his life, not just his folks.  He also took care of things at my mothers.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> I would like to have a little one on one with my son.  Just take him, alone for a nice quite dinner.  I do not want to offend my DIL, she goes on trips with her Mom, out to dinner with Mom and sister my son not included.   Should I not be allowed private time, just me and the son alone or am I just creating a problem?  How do I phrase this invitation? I want to take you out for dinner, just you and me alone? Most of the time it is all of us together or me, son and grandson.  I just want a little time just me and my son.  Is that a bad thing?


Tell them it's what you want for Christmas.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Della said:


> I would tread lightly with this, Blessed.  She _shouldn't_ mind one bit, but if she's already prickly toward you she might take offence.  Sure, you should have time alone with your son, but I can see her saying the time with her mother and sister is "girl time" and this is different.   None of it would be fair to you but I would hate to see you be an excuse for a fight between them.
> 
> Call me sneaky but that's what I would be.  Wait until you know she's out with her MIL and call your son, ask him to pop over and keep you company, or to go to a favorite restaurant with you.  If he's watching the grandson have something ready for him to play with so the two of you can just talk.



I will say that the grandson if with my son if Mom is out.  He is not the type of most children.  He does not lose his self around adults over a toy.  He is an active participant in every way.  There is no talking around or over him.  He is engaged than most at 9 years of age.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Della said:


> I would tread lightly with this, Blessed.  She _shouldn't_ mind one bit, but if she's already prickly toward you she might take offence.  Sure, you should have time alone with your son, but I can see her saying the time with her mother and sister is "girl time" and this is different.   None of it would be fair to you but I would hate to see you be an excuse for a fight between them.
> 
> Call me sneaky but that's what I would be.  Wait until you know she's out with her MIL and call your son, ask him to pop over and keep you company, or to go to a favorite restaurant with you.  If he's watching the grandson have something ready for him to play with so the two of you can just talk.



I am treading lightly, that is why I asked for advice.  I would never do anything that over steps the boundaries of marriage.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> I just do not know if the DIL may take offense even though she spends time with her Mom and sister alone.


Don't worry about that. You're putting thoughts in their heads that they probably won't have.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Nothing wrong.  You're a wonderful lady.  Just trying to understand.  Sorry, I get a bit on a roll!



Not upset, I get it but when I go to reply it comes up with ROFLMA, so I must ask why you are rolling on the floor laughing your a** off.  That is kind of hurtful and unkind to anyone.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> Not upset, I get it but when I go to reply it comes up with ROFLMA, so I must ask why you are rolling on the floor laughing your a** off.  That is kind of hurtful and unkind to anyone.


She's laughing at herself: "Sorry, I get a bit on a roll!  "


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> I think talking about "things of that nature"
> is something your son does NOT want to do with you. That's not abnormal. It's his marriage and some things men consider as private. Not something he wants to run to Mommy about. A man should become protective of his mother, IMO.
> 
> "I want to make sure he is happy!!"
> ...



There are many things that happen that I would not post here.  I do respect their privacy.  There are things that upset me and make me think twice.  It is not my place to get in the middle of it.  My only desire it to make sure my son is okay with it, if he is, I shall be too!


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## Pepper (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> Not upset, I get it but when I go to reply it comes up with ROFLMA, so I must ask why you are rolling on the floor laughing your a** off.  That is kind of hurtful and unkind to anyone.


I was making fun of myself.  Gee whiz.


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## Jules (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> I just want to know how he is feeling, how things are going. I just want to make sure he is happy, no work worries, no financial worries, the big things.


I know how I was with my family and in-laws.  I didn’t want any questions of any kind.  



RadishRose said:


> I think talking about "things of that nature"
> *is something your son does NOT want to do with you. That's not abnormal. It's his marriage and some things men consider as private. Not something he wants to run to Mommy about.*



Has your son ever asked you to go out to lunch alone?  Does he ever come over to your house on his own.  It’s not that he doesn’t love you.  Either that’s not his nature or he‘s afraid of you enquiring into his life with his wife or his child.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Right Now said:


> I have a DIL who is bipolar.  She feels a need to be the center of attention and the only one who can handle things.
> As a result, she has caused a rift between my son and myself.
> He's had four heart attacks, and I'm the one he calls every time to get him to the hospital.  She knows this ( 3 times before they were married).  If I try and make it easier for my son to recuperate by taking care of her children, cooking dinner, shopping for groceries so my son can rest while she is working, she resents it.
> So.....I don't make my son feel he has to take sides.  I simply stay away, and don't give her an excuse to be mean or ignore me.
> ...



Sorry to hear that you have been thru such a ordeal.  My son does not have any health problems, if he did there is no way anyone will keep me a way.  Someone would get phycially hurt in that case.  I would take anything but if he was sick I would be there one way or another! I do not interfere, I do not call unless it a message he has left me or an emergency.  Or to pick something up, normally food related that I picked up for them on sale. They both like and appreciate the special treats.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Pepper said:


> I was making fun of myself.  Gee whiz.


Sorry if I misunderstood. I know you are a great person from your threads but I still need to learn your sense of humor.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Jules said:


> I know how I was with my family and in-laws.  I didn’t want any questions of any kind.
> 
> 
> 
> Has your son ever asked you to go out to lunch alone?  Does he ever come over to your house on his own.  It’s not that he doesn’t love you.  Either that’s not his nature or he‘s afraid of you enquiring into his life with his wife or his child.



Yes he does come over on his own.  He comes and works his butt off doing the yard work, things in the house like changing light bulbs so I do not have to get on a ladder.  Does anything I ask, bring in cases of water, big bags of dog food from the trunk of my car.  Once he is done, I don't feel right keeping him from getting home to his family.  I know they should be his priority not me.  Hard for me to admit but his Dad, (my husband) put work, other family members above everything.  He just was not here during my son's childhood.  He would chose work matters (union stuff) and other peoples needs over coming to the son's school events,  soccer games, concerts(son played the trumpet) so many things.  My son does not want his son to feel second best in anything.  He lived it, we never discussed it but he would sometimes let me know that he was sad Dad was not there during an event.


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## Pepper (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> Sorry if I misunderstood. I know you are a great person from your threads but I still need to learn your sense of humor.


No worries.  If you weren't sure I'm glad you asked.


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## Jules (Dec 18, 2022)

Your son is great to be so helpful. Since he does all these things for you, one day I’d just throw in a casual comment.  Something like “you’re always helping me.  Why don’t we jump in the car and go get a burger”. Start slow.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> Talk to your daughter-in-law about it. Ask if she'd mind. Do you think that would work?


No, I would not ask her, she might be offended by that.  I want to spend time with my son alone?  Lord knows what would run thru her mind.  I just want to know if they are okay.  In this day and age it is common for some struggling with financial matters.  For instance, a few years ago for Christmas I gave my son a gift of seeing the gastroenterologist to have his esophagus stretched.  He has a genetic related condition where he has strictures that can make swallowing difficult.  My Mom had the problem, my son and my nephew both suffer from the same condition.

He did not have insurance at the time.  I asked him if he was having problems about the time it might be to have the procedure done again. He did not want to tell me so I would not worry about it.  When I asked, he admitted it was bothering him. I called the doctor and they gave me the rate for an insured patient.  It was only $1700. so I scheduled it.  These are the things I need to know.  I don't think he would say this in front of DIL, men need to be men, they don;t like to admit something is wrong.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

palides2021 said:


> If this is about you and him, then go for it, but if it's about you and him talking about his relationship with his wife, then that's another story. When I was a newlywed, my MIL had a hard time letting go of her son. She wanted us to go everywhere they went. She even wanted us to go to a Thanksgiving dinner at someone's house. Growing up, I always had my holidays at home, and felt strongly against going out. Needless to say,  he went out with his parents on Thanksgiving and I stayed home. Our relationship survived, but grew stronger when we moved away.


No, this is only about my son.  I can relate to you, my MIL would call holidays mornings, everyone is here, where are you.  We would rush to get out of the house and no one else had arrived. LOL  I loved my MIL, I still don't understand why she did these crazy things.  We were there every holiday, could spend the day and then she would fuss, we were going to my Mom's for dessert.  I will never understand it!!

My son has asked me for Christmas day.  It would be him, wife and grandson and Dil mother, also a widow.  I have said no, as these days, I am up all night and sleep during the day. Second reason, I have some problems in my neck, bulging discs, and severe narrowing of the spinal cord structure of the cervical spinal cord.  What it comes down to is incontinence.  I have not told my son yet.  I can manage it at home but I am not going to any ones home to pee my pants. LOL  I see an orthopedic surgeon after the first of the year to see if they can fix it.


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## Pinky (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> No, this is only about my son.  I can relate to you, my MIL would call holidays mornings, everyone is here, where are you.  We would rush to get out of the house and no one else had arrived. LOL  I loved my MIL, I still don't understand why she did these crazy things.  We were there every holiday, could spend the day and then she would fuss, we were going to my Mom's for dessert.  I will never understand it!!
> 
> My son has asked me for Christmas day.  It would be him, wife and grandson and Dil mother, also a widow.  I have said no, as these days, I am up all night and sleep during the day. Second reason, I have some problems in my neck, bulging discs, and severe narrowing of the spinal cord structure of the cervical spinal cord.  What it comes down to is incontinence.  I have not told my son yet.  I can manage it at home but I am not going to any ones home to pee my pants. LOL  I see an orthopedic surgeon after the first of the year to see if they can fix it.


@Blessed 
Perhaps you could mention that you have medical problems that won't allow for you to be away from home? They should be able to understand that, I would hope.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Jules said:


> Is your DIL a strong-willed person and that’s why you’re hesitating.
> 
> Does your son ever come over and visit you by himself?
> 
> Does he have a lunch hour when you could meet in a restaurant.  It would test the waters.


Yes, my DIL is a strong willed person.  I just do not want to cause any problem betweend them or us.  My son does come over, He does my yard work and helps in the house with things on a ladder or getting down on the floor, both of which are hard for me.

He does not have a lunch hour where we could meet. He works two jobs right now.  Personal trainer at a gym and real estate in the evenings. 

When he is here, I just stay out of the way, send him home as quickly as I can.  I don't think he gets enough sleep as it is.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Hey!  You want to see HIM, not her, and dontcha dare complain to him about that stuff.  She's figuring he gets the answers to the questions you think she should be asking.


 You are right, I would never complain to him about this.  Knowing men, they just go back and say, everything is fine.....when the reality is the child ran a fever and threw up last night LOL


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Tell them it's what you want for Christmas.



I never do that, I do not like to put anyone in the position of giving any kind of gift for any occasion.  It is the person that decides if a gift should be given, even if is just and Wednesday and the sun came up.  Now, with kids, I always try to give a gift everyday, reading a book, going to the park, making a favorite food.  Just the ordinary things that make for a great life.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Pinky said:


> @Blessed
> Perhaps you could mention that you have medical problems that won't allow for you to be away from home? They should be able to understand that, I would hope.



He knows that I do not sleep at night and spend the greater part of the day sleeping.  I want to wait until after I see the surgeon about my neck and the other.  If I have to have surgery, I don't want to make him worry until I know what I need to do.  Does that make sense?


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## Pinky (Dec 18, 2022)

Blessed said:


> He knows that I do not sleep at night and spend the greater part of the day sleeping.  I want to wait until after I see the surgeon about my neck and the other.  If I have to have surgery, I don't want to make him worry until I know what I need to do.  Does that make sense?


It makes sense to me, as I tend to never divulge health issues to my family. I don't like people fussing over
me.


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## Tish (Dec 18, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> Just ask DIL if she could recommend a place your son would like to eat because you're going to ask him out to dinner- *just the two of you*. I wouldn't ask her permission!
> 
> If you suspect he might need to complain about his marriage to you, think again.
> 1- You're better off not knowing.
> ...



^Brilliant Idea.


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## Pepper (Dec 18, 2022)

Right Now said:


> ( 3 times before they were married).


Looks like he's kind of complicit.  I'm sure it's very complicated.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

I always let him choose, he will ususally pick something the grandson enjoys as well, nothing better than two happy boys.  If I got to pick it would be a japanese place that does the best teppenyaki, I would be after chicken, shrimp and beef filet.  The sad thing is they are not open for lunch, only dinner.  I might treat the whole family over the holidays!


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## Lara (Dec 18, 2022)

Just keep in mind that anything you say to your son in private may be shared with his wife. Maybe men don't do that but women sure do. 
An "ah hah" moment I experienced with my married daughter...when she got married, she switched allegiance with me and instead shared everything I said with him...as it should be. He became #1 in her life. Confidentialities move over to the spouse at "I do". It's natural and healthy.

If your adult son is anything like my adult son, he no longer wants to be questioned or mothered or pushed in a direction he doesn't choose himself. I would always say "but a mother is a mother forever", or "that's my job"...until I finally got it.


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## OneEyedDiva (Dec 18, 2022)

"I'd love to take you to dinner so we can have some mother/son time" or words to that affect. It doesn't have to be complicated...no need to explain or be apologetic for not including his wife. For over a decade, my sister talked about us going out with just our sons for lunch or dinner. Due to their busy schedules (my nephew often traveled the country for his job and my son used to drive long distance truck and work 6 or 7 days) we finally did it in July.  She didn't invite her SO and my nephew didn't invite his GF.  If my DIL was still living, I'm sure she wouldn't have had a problem with it.


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## Jules (Dec 18, 2022)

Lara said:


> If your adult son is anything like my adult son, he no longer wants to be questioned or mothered or pushed in a direction he doesn't choose himself. I would always say "but a mother is a mother forever", or "that's my job"...until I finally got it.


Wise thoughts.


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## Blessed (Dec 18, 2022)

Lord God, things are getting out of control.  There is no big fight, I just want to spend sometime with my son, alone.  I do not want anybody intruding on that time.  I just miss him, is it that hard to understand.  If I had a choice I would take him on vacation, just to spend time, eat, drink, be merry.  I just want a lunch or dinner right now.  It is the holidays, my husband, his Dad died twelve years ago this month.  I just need my son, just need that connection.  I know my DIL gets it she lost her Dad 2 years ago this month as well.  She is spending lots of time with her Mom.  I just want some time with my son.  What is so hard about that.  

For him, now that is not possible.  Maybe when son and DIL can get away I will take all (grandson) on a beach vacation.  My son and DIL can go and do things they want.  I would watch and have fun with my grandson.  It will be a fun trip for all!!


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## Pepper (Dec 19, 2022)

I love your ideas of treating your son & family to dinners, vacations, how wonderful you are thinking of this!


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## Blessed (Dec 19, 2022)

Pepper said:


> I love your ideas of treating your son & family to dinners, vacations, how wonderful you are thinking of this!


That is what we do, you and I!


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## Pepper (Dec 19, 2022)

Blessed said:


> That is what we do, you and I!


I wish.  I can't afford it.  But for you who can, what a wonderful thing to do!


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## Blessed (Dec 19, 2022)

Pepper said:


> I wish.  I can't afford it.  But for you who can, what a wonderful thing to do!


Truth be told I can't afford it either but I figure what the hell, I can't take it with me, might as well enjoy it with my son.  He is going to get what is left anyway!!


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## caroln (Dec 19, 2022)

After reading all four pages on this topic, it reminded me of how my dad reacted one Mother's Day.  My mother, my daughter, and I made plans to go out to brunch on Mother's Day and my dad assumed he was going too.  We said, sorry, it was for us ladies only...Mother's Day, duh!  Long story short, he got all offended and pouted like a 5 year old.  No exaggeration. 

He got over it, of course, but we didn't do that again.  Even though he acted like a child we didn't want him to feel offended again.  Mother's Day was at home from then on!

So, my advice @Blessed is go ahead and try to get some alone time with your son.  If it makes waves, so be it.  DIL will get over it eventually and you can try something different next time.


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## JustDave (Dec 19, 2022)

I don't seen anything wrong with time alone with your son.  After reading your first post twice, it dawned on me that you are wanting what your DIL's mother already has so there shouldn't be a problem unless it doesn't sit well with that other side of the family.  If they are normal reasonable people, they would understand.  If they are not, then there is a problem.  And that you will have to decide how to deal with.  All parties should be in agreement, but they may not be.  If they are not, something sounds haywire.  It may be something to discuss with the entire "clan."


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## Kika (Dec 19, 2022)

Is it possible to announce and start a "new tradition"?  Plan a mother/son lunch or dinner periodically, maybe every 6 weeks.
Because everyone is busy, getting older, and unless it is planned, it won't happen.

It sounds like there is some underlying friction.  My son and I used to have lunch often.  My DIL would say, yes, please take him for a while, can he stay with you for 3 days?  In jest.


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## NorthernLight (Dec 19, 2022)

@Blessed  Several times, you've asked what's so wrong or terrible about your idea. You seem to think that someone would take it the wrong way. Who? Why? 

Why can't you invite your son and specify, "Just the two of us"? There are all kinds of things a mother might want to discuss with her son in private, e.g., health or finances. Even if it's just shooting the breeze, no one should have a problem with it.

Sorry, I don't see what the problem is. I have had people bring someone else when I really wanted a one-on-one. But it was my own fault for not being clear.


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## hearlady (Dec 19, 2022)

Maybe you should go to your DIL and say that you would like to have a lunch with just your son every month (or whatever) and would she take offense to that.
In fact you'd like to have (or continue) to have a lunch with both of them on a regular basis but you feel you want to rebond by having a mother/son day once in a while.
I think most DILs would encourage that with their blessing.


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## NorthernLight (Dec 19, 2022)

Yes, she might even be relieved that she isn't expected to go along every time.


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## hearlady (Dec 19, 2022)

True!


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