# If you are or have been married/partnered .. reflecting on that now.



## MarkD (Dec 8, 2022)

Recently it came up here whether one would seek marriage again at our ages.  So I'm curious how all that looks to us now?

I'm married and will be glad to remain so as long as possible.  But of course nothing -including us- lasts forever.  Either I'll widow her or she'll widower me.  Not a great deal either way but I've been thinking some about the whole experience and that makes me wonder how others feel about their most important relationships looking back on them now.  Some questions, take on as many or few as you like:

1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference.  If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?

2 - What was/is the best part of that relationship? 

3 - Thinking back to its beginning, do you feel you were ready for it when you got together?  What learning/growing did it require of you?

4 - Was there something the other person brought into your life that was especially valuable to you?

5 - If you get extra post-relationship innings in your life what aspects would you seek to replace?  How did/would all this influence what you look for next?

















.


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## hollydolly (Dec 8, 2022)

1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference.  *If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?

I should have dug a hole in the garden and pushed him in... *


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## MarkD (Dec 8, 2022)

Looking back, my first go at it wasn’t great either. I’m extremely glad that she left.  I was too clueless to recognize it at 25 but it wasn’t good and I would never have had the life I have if she hadn’t gone.  Oh well 3 years lost in one sense but at least it led to realizing what I really wanted and what I needed to do to be ready for a better chance.  I doubt there was any other way.

I wonder if many families/communities do more to prepare young people for relationships.  The only thing we do even even less well is to prepare people for parenthood.   But I’m quite happy not to have spread any genes around.


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## Gaer (Dec 8, 2022)

1.  Both of us were self-actualized and happy within ourselves, so we could give to each other instead of take.
2. honor and respect.
3.  no learning or growing, no trying or pretense.  
4.  He was rock solid and genuine, stood behind his word, had his own value system, his own moral code. his own spirituality.
5. spiritual, cheerful, soft-spoken, straight and solid, finds humor, intelligence, rugged spirit, not fully tamed and won't be, a man's man, 
a combination of strength and gentleness, kind, considerate, bold and unafraid, wise, well-read, confident, brave and loving.


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## JaniceM (Dec 8, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> 1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference.  *If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?
> 
> I should have dug a hole in the garden and pushed him in... *


and like that Alfred Hitchcock episode-  planted daffodils on top


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## hollydolly (Dec 8, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> and like that Alfred Hitchcock episode-  planted daffodils on top


.....For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.


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## Packerjohn (Dec 8, 2022)

MarkD said:


> Recently it came up here whether one would seek marriage again at our ages.  So I'm curious how all that looks to us now?
> 
> I'm married and will be glad to remain so as long as possible.  But of course nothing -including us- lasts forever.  Either I'll widow her or she'll widower me.  Not a great deal either way but I've been thinking some about the whole experience and that makes me wonder how others feel about their most important relationships looking back on them now.  Some questions, take on as many or few as you like:
> 
> ...


I had a great experience but there are too many questions.  It sort of reminds me being back in University, it's the end of the semester and I have this 2 hour test.  Sorry; it's too long me!


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## NorthernLight (Dec 8, 2022)

Thank you for the thought-provoking questions. Regarding widowhood, yes, that stinks. But the years you had together -- well, you had to spend them somehow, right? And we know that everything comes to an end.

I had one great relationship that ended with his death, before we even had a chance to get married. The grief was long, but our time together was short. Was it worth it? Yes, because it showed I wasn't completely unloveable.

1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference.  If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?

** The one good one, mutual liking, mutual aid, respect, honesty, etc. 

The many bad ones ... what I could have done better? I should have had higher standards, been less trusting, waited longer, things like that. 

An exasperated relative once said to me, "Get to know the person first!" I didn't even know what that meant. How can you get to know the person unless you're already with them? I'm beginning to understand it now though. Too late!

2 - What was/is the best part of that relationship?

** Which one, the good one? The straightforwardness, trust, and respect.

3 - Thinking back to its beginning, do you feel you were ready for it when you got together?  What learning/growing did it require of you?

** We were both middle aged and pretty ready I guess. 

4 - Was there something the other person brought into your life that was especially valuable to you?

** As mentioned above: respect and trust, etc. Good times.

5 - If you get extra post-relationship innings in your life what aspects would you seek to replace?  How did/would all this influence what you look for next?

** I've had so many relationships where the person seemed to not even like me. I'd want someone who actually likes me: the way I think, how I do things, my quirks. 

Someone I can discuss the inevitable differences and problems with, instead of someone who just freaks out and puts me down.


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## Nathan (Dec 8, 2022)

> If you are or have been married/partnered .. _reflecting on that now._


Our perspective changes over time, we are constantly "updating" our memories, every time they are recalled.     There were some great times and some really bad times.  I enjoyed the great times and learned from the bad times.  
I'm glad that I had a beautiful daughter and son, and that God has been gracious in my life.  I have a good wife now, she's not perfect but neither am I.


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## Verisure (Dec 8, 2022)

MarkD said:


> Recently it came up here whether one would seek marriage again at our ages.  So I'm curious how all that looks to us now?
> 
> I'm married and will be glad to remain so as long as possible.  But of course nothing -including us- lasts forever.  Either I'll widow her or she'll widower me.  Not a great deal either way but I've been thinking some about the whole experience and that makes me wonder how others feel about their most important relationships looking back on them now.  Some questions, take on as many or few as you like:
> 
> ...


I'd been through a divorce (which was hard on me because I had two children that I loved dearly) but by the time I reached 50 I figured single life (read "alone") was the way it was meant to be so I gave up "looking". But not very far from 60 I met a woman and 3 years later we got married. My son was born when I was 60, I'm 75 now. Yes, my wife is quite a bit younger than I. 

1 - We both yearned for a relationship. 

2 - From my point of view? She doesn't nag very much and she doesn't try to compete with me. From her point of view? I love her, I don't smoke or take drugs, I am not aggressive towards her, I don't stay out late, and I don't "cheat". She can count on me. 

3 - We were both "ready". The only learning was getting used to our idiosyncracies and accepting them with tolerance. 

4 - Yes. I learned from her that despite me being exceptionally romantic it is her sense of duty to our family that is much more important.

5 - Is your question what I would look for if the two of us were to split up? I don't even want to think of such a thing happening.


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## horseless carriage (Dec 8, 2022)

From the beginning there was a magnetic frisson, she was fourteen, I was eighteen. A dance instructor had introduced us. On the dance floor, I'm talking Latin & Ballroom, we had both an empathy and mutual anticipation of our dance moves, you could say that we just clicked.

Our ambition was to become professional but the reality was clear, only the very top one percent achieve that and they don't make as much as other performing arts, so after graduating in business studies I became a manager in the logistics industry. The lady, trained in the ambulance service and qualified as a paramedic and we continued dancing as amateurs, just for the fun of it.

Before that happened though we became a couple, about two years after meeting. The dancing, competing and travelling were extremely expensive so, I asked her father if he would object if we shared a room. His response was classic. "If you want to sleep with my daughter, you will marry her."

To his and everyone else's surprise, that's exactly what I did. She was just eighteen and I had not long turned twenty-two. Funny thing was, everyone it seemed, was waiting for the happy event. By the time she was twenty-five, everyone it seemed, was offering the advice: "Don't leave it too late dear." She's seventy two now, I think she might have left it a bit late. 

We are what we have always been, a couple in love. We, or me to be more honest, learned that others are both physically attractive and, give off those attraction vibes. What I learned and what was always inherent in my lady, is that others are both dangerous and enjoyable. The motto being, "Look, but don't touch." We have never wavered from that rule. 

The only downside to our relationship is that, one day, one of us must suffer the bereavement of the other. But I tell her that, I will always love her, in this world and the next. I consider myself to be an extremely fortunate man.


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## Nemo2 (Dec 8, 2022)

horseless carriage said:


> The only downside to our relationship is that, one day, one of us must suffer the bereavement of the other. But I tell her that, I will always love her, in this world and the next. I consider myself to be an extremely fortunate man.


As Kris Kristofferson wrote....."You been reading my mail".


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## MarkD (Dec 8, 2022)

Nathan said:


> Our perspective changes over time, we are constantly "updating" our memories, every time they are recalled.     There were some great times and some really bad times.  I enjoyed the great times and learned from the bad times.



I hope the realization becomes ever more common that memory isn’t like a stack of videos you can just snap in and play if you can find it.
Sounds like life and relationship has been good to you.


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## down2earth (Dec 8, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> 1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference.  *If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?
> 
> I should have dug a hole in the garden and pushed him in... *


He probably would have sprouted as an annoying weed requiring further maintenance.


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## Marie5656 (Dec 8, 2022)

*Yesterday would have been our 21st anniversary.      He has been gone for 3 years now.  Was it a happy marriage?     For the most part yes. We had both good and bad moments. I think it is unrealistic to believe it will all be lollypops and roses. We made it through the rain, and enjoyed the rainbows.
People who think it will all be perfect are in for a hard awakening.    I was briefly advised against the marriage by family as he was twice divorced. But we did OK*


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## down2earth (Dec 8, 2022)

Nathan said:


> Our perspective changes over time, we are constantly "updating" our memories, every time they are recalled.     There were some great times and some really bad times.  I enjoyed the great times and learned from the bad times.
> I'm glad that I had a beautiful daughter and son, and that God has been gracious in my life.  I have a good wife now, she's not perfect but neither am I.


It's perfect that you recognize imperfection.


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## hollydolly (Dec 8, 2022)

Marie5656 said:


> *Yesterday would have been our 21st anniversary.      He has been gone for 3 years now.  Was it a happy marriage?     For the most part yes. We gad both good and bad moments. I think it is unrealistic to believe it will all be lollypops and roses. We made it through the rain, and enjoyed the rainbows.
> People who think it will all be perfect are in for a hard awakening.    I was briefly advised against the marriage by family as he was twice divorced. But we did OK*


I'm still married to mine.. 22 years  in exactly one months'  time... ...he's been gone 15 months


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## JaniceM (Dec 8, 2022)

down2earth said:


> He probably would have sprouted as an annoying weed requiring further maintenance.


How about some good stinky fertilizer?


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## hollydolly (Dec 8, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> How about some good stinky fertilizer?


stinky weedkiller more like...


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## palides2021 (Dec 8, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> .....For oft, when on my couch I lie
> In vacant or in pensive mood,
> They flash upon that inward eye
> Which is the bliss of solitude;
> ...


Loved the William Wordsworth poem!


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## palides2021 (Dec 8, 2022)

MarkD said:


> 1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference. If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?


Thank you, @MarkD for your questions!

I have been a widow of 9 years. I have many fond memories of our marriage. It worked well because there was love and trust, and we communicated well. We listened to each other, had similar interests, religious beliefs, and values. 


MarkD said:


> 2 - What was/is the best part of that relationship?


The best part of the relationship was knowing he cared about me and our relationship. He was patient, when patience was needed; he listened, when I needed someone to listen to me, and he supported my creative endeavors. I reciprocated also in many ways. We were like dancers, moving together in an effortless dance, knowing each others' moves and enjoying the process. I used to write poems about our love, and remember writing that it felt as if I were in Paradise.


MarkD said:


> 3 - Thinking back to its beginning, do you feel you were ready for it when you got together? What learning/growing did it require of you?


I was in my thirties and he was older. Yes, we were both ready. Thinking about another person besides yourself was an extraordinary way of thinking. It expanded my horizons. I remember when I was with him, I was always smiling. It was easy to smile with him. He made me laugh. Those positive feelings enveloped me, my surroundings, and the people around me. 


MarkD said:


> 4 - Was there something the other person brought into your life that was especially valuable to you?


His concern about my welfare as well as his religious beliefs being similar to mine was important. We prayed together.


MarkD said:


> 5 - If you get extra post-relationship innings in your life what aspects would you seek to replace? How did/would all this influence what you look for next?


Not sure if this question is relevant at this stage of my life.


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## win231 (Dec 8, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> 1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference.  *If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?
> 
> I should have dug a hole in the garden and pushed him in... *


One lady in Texas did just that.  To more than one husband:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct...ty_Lou_Beets&usg=AOvVaw3FR8TnoFhLxQycnCarZj4s
Betty Lou Beets, 46, had an ornamental wishing well in her yard near Gun Barrel City, Tex. She used it as a place to plant some begonias, a few petunias — and one husband.
Days before she killed him, Betty had begged her fifth spouse, retired Dallas Fire Department Capt. Jimmy Beets, also 46, to build the well to beautify the property that held her trailer home.
Beets cheerfully went about the task, unaware he was digging his own grave.
He was also blissfully ignorant of Betty's true motive when she insisted some time earlier that he build a shed on the property. She told him it was needed to store stuff that was cluttering the house.

Its real purpose was to conceal the final resting place of husband No. 4, Doyle Barker. When Barker vanished in 1981, Betty told friends and neighbors that the couple had had a fight and he took off, leaving his truck behind, wrote Irene Pence in a book on the case, "Buried Memories."

Betty reported Capt. Beets missing on Aug. 6, 1983, saying he had gone night fishing and never came home. About a week later, people spotted his boat drifting in a lake, empty. Nitroglycerin tablets scattered at the bottom of the boat suggested that he had had a heart attack and fallen into the water.





Beets (seen in 1998) got two of her children to help her hide the bodies and tried to shift the blame onto them before being found guilty. (Texas Department of Criminal Justice/Reuters)
The notorious Black Widow of Texas was born in 1937 in North Carolina, the daughter of an alcoholic tobacco farmer. Betty would later accuse her father and other male relatives of ****** assault.
Her first marriage, to Robert Branson, lasted from 1952, when she was 15, to 1969, and produced six children.
By 1970, the shapely bottle blond had snared another man, Billy Lane. It was stormy from the start — he once broke her nose — and they split less than a year later.
After the divorce, Lane appeared one night at Betty's house. Her story is that he saw her at a bar with another man, flew into a rage, followed her home and threatened to kill her.
His story was that she had called him and begged him to come over. When he got there, she pulled a gun.


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## Verisure (Dec 8, 2022)

Marie5656 said:


> *Yesterday would have been our 21st anniversary.      He has been gone for 3 years now.  Was it a happy marriage?     For the most part yes. We gad both good and bad moments. I think it is unrealistic to believe it will all be lollypops and roses. We made it through the rain, and enjoyed the rainbows.
> People who think it will all be perfect are in for a hard awakening.    I was briefly advised against the marriage by family as he was twice divorced. But we did OK*


You see, now this is why I don't post here very often. A word is spoken or a phrase uttered and I drop into a black depression.  Situations and moments that I've forgotten or succeeded in suppressing come back to carve me up and then I have to try to shake the emotion loose all over again.  It only takes a word. "Lolly pops and roses", you said. Jack Jones. Back from Vietnam and wondering if life was worth living, feeling pretty sure that it wasn't.  And knowing that your husband is gone is like arsenic on the cake. Please someone .... say something to make all of us smile.


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## Verisure (Dec 8, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> .....For oft, when on my couch I lie
> In vacant or in pensive mood,
> They flash upon that inward eye
> Which is the bliss of solitude;
> ...


What's a "couch"?


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## Tish (Dec 8, 2022)

Well with me it was not a split up, he died, and to be 100% honest with you, I doubt very much that either of us could have done better, that's not to say that we were perfect there were days where I could have happily set him on fire and I am sure he felt the same way.

He often used to say, that when I went through Menopause it was his Vietnam and he was in Vietnam.


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## Marie5656 (Dec 9, 2022)

Verisure said:


> You see, now this is why I don't post here very often. A word is spoken or a phrase uttered and I drop into a black depression.  Situations and moments that I've forgotten or succeeded in suppressing come back to carve me up and then I have to try to shake the emotion loose all over again.  It only takes a word. "Lolly pops and roses", you said. Jack Jones. Back from Vietnam and wondering if life was worth living, feeling pretty sure that it wasn't.  And knowing that your husband is gone is like arsenic on the cake. Please someone .... say something to make all of us smile.


*I have no clue about what your response to my comment even means.*


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## Verisure (Dec 9, 2022)

Marie5656 said:


> *I have no clue about what your response to my comment even means.*


It's my problem, not yours. "Lolly pops and roses" Jack Jones. The 1960s.


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## Verisure (Dec 9, 2022)

Tish said:


> Well with me it was not a split up, he died, and to be 100% honest with you, I doubt very much that either of us could have done better, that's not to say that we were perfect there were days where I could have happily set him on fire and I am sure he felt the same way.
> 
> He often used to say, that when I went through Menopause it was his Vietnam and he was in Vietnam.


It is our duty as husbands to endure our wives' menopause and take the blame for whatever happens._ *"Yes my sweet, it's my fault you forgot the shopping at the check-out counter. I'll try to be more careful next time."* _


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## horseless carriage (Dec 9, 2022)

Verisure said:


> What's a "couch"?


As a noun a couch is a long upholstered piece of furniture for several people to sit on, also known as a settee or sofa.
Couch is also a verb:
To express (something) in language of a specified style.
"The assurances were couched in general terms"
In literary terms it means to lay down.
"Two fair creatures, couched side by side in deepest grass"


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## Verisure (Dec 9, 2022)

horseless carriage said:


> As a noun a couch is a long upholstered piece of furniture for several people to sit on, also known as a settee or sofa.
> ........


Thank you.


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## Nemo2 (Dec 9, 2022)

horseless carriage said:


> also known as a settee or sofa.


Or, perhaps, a chesterfield.


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## horseless carriage (Dec 9, 2022)

Nemo2 said:


> Or, perhaps, a chesterfield.


That is the ultimate in product placement. To have a company name adopted for their product. Hoover did it in the UK, for decades almost nobody used the term vacuum cleaner, no matter what make, it was always called a Hoover. The name was even used as a verb. "You made the mess, you Hoover it up."


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## Nemo2 (Dec 9, 2022)

horseless carriage said:


> That is the ultimate in product placement. To have a company name adopted for their product. Hoover did it in the UK, for decades almost nobody used the term vacuum cleaner, no matter what make, it was always called a Hoover. The name was even used as a verb. "You made the mess, you Hoover it up."


And, I believe, the Brits used to (maybe still do) call all condoms 'Durex', whereas in Australia 'Durex' was, (perhaps still is), the all encompassing appellation for what is referred to as 'Scotch Tape', (regardless of the manufacturer), hereabouts.

"A rose by any other name...."


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## MarkD (Dec 9, 2022)

Verisure said:


> 5 - Is your question what I would look for if the two of us were to split up? I don't even want to think of such a thing happening.



No, though that could be someone’s unfortunate experience.

I had in mind the eventuality of your partner dying of natural causes. My wife recently had her 80th and has an autonomic disease which is playing havoc with many of her systems. She has to see a lot of doctors almost daily and managed so many meds to keep her blood pressure in a life supporting range. We still walk every day but she needs to stop frequently and can’t go far. She reads about her condition, goes to conferences and her diligence is the main reason she is still with us. It can’t last forever under the best of conditions and that isn’t what we have. I guess I started this to try and imagine the future.


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## hollydolly (Dec 9, 2022)

palides2021 said:


> Loved the William Wordsworth poem!


one of the very first I learned at school...


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## hollydolly (Dec 9, 2022)

Nemo2 said:


> And, I believe, the Brits used to (maybe still do) call all condoms 'Durex', whereas in Australia 'Durex' was, (perhaps still is), the all encompassing appellation for what is referred to as 'Scotch Tape', (regardless of the manufacturer), hereabouts.
> 
> "A rose by any other name...."


yes because Durex is the  Company  name... ..altho' of course there's many other manufacturers... Hoover is one I think just about everyone uses when referring to Vacc'ing up... only here on the forum, do I use Vacc'ing instead of Hoovering..


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## hollydolly (Dec 9, 2022)

Nemo2 said:


> Or, perhaps, a chesterfield.


Nope...at least in the Uk a Chesterfield is a very specific type of couch or sofa..


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## Nemo2 (Dec 9, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Nope...at least in the Uk a Chesterfield is a very specific type of couch or sofa..


Here it is/was a generic term.


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## Nemo2 (Dec 9, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> yes because Durex is the  Company  name... ..altho' of course there's many other manufacturers...


If there are other manufacturers then Durex is _a_ company name rather than _the_ company name.  Likewise, in Oz, it was the all encompassing company name for what is generically called Scotch Tape here, other manufacturers notwithstanding.

Likewise, as I mentioned just recently, many people refer to "Drinking the Kool Aid" although it's doubtful that they are aware why and/or that the term is incorrect  -  Flavor Aid is what was imbibed in Jonestown.


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## hollydolly (Dec 9, 2022)

Nemo2 said:


> If there are other manufacturers then Durex is _a_ company name rather than _the_ company name.  Likewise, in Oz, it was the all encompassing company name for what is generically called Scotch Tape here, other manufacturers notwithstanding.
> 
> Likewise, as I mentioned just recently, many people refer to "Drinking the Kool Aid" although it's doubtful that they are aware why and/or that the term is incorrect  -  Flavor Aid is what was imbibed in Jonestown.


I have no idea what Kool Aid is.. it's not a term used in the UK


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## katlupe (Dec 9, 2022)

Well, I don't know if I am qualified to answer these questions or not. I failed in Marriage. I have been married three times. That was enough. I am in a relationship but not married nor will I be getting married. I found that the single life is really for me since I am the happiest I have ever been. I know people can have happy marriages, my parents did for 60 years.


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## hearlady (Dec 9, 2022)

I would say we kept our wedding vows for 44 years.
There were rich and poor times, sickness and health times, love and cherish times.
There were also you're a jerk times and you're a nag times, wish I never met you times, I'm only here because we have 3 kids times.
Right now we're in a place where we're happy we made it. All else is water under the bridge.


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## Nemo2 (Dec 9, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I have no idea what Kool Aid is.. it's not a term used in the UK


See that horizon...time to expand it.     Nobody here says Hoovering either.


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## hollydolly (Dec 9, 2022)

Nemo2 said:


> See that horizon...time to expand it.


how rude.. I think that I know far more about other countries,,,than most people outside of the Uk know about ours..


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## hearlady (Dec 9, 2022)

katlupe said:


> Well, I don't know if I am qualified to answer these questions or not. I failed in Marriage. I have been married three times. That was enough. I am in a relationship but not married nor will I be getting married. I found that the single life is really for me since I am the happiest I have ever been. I know people can have happy marriages, my parents did for 60 years.


Don't say you failed. You just didn't stay in something that wasn't right whether 3 times or 10 times. You know that because you're the happiest you've ever been!
Marriage isn't for everyone and that's ok.


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## Nemo2 (Dec 9, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> how rude.. I think that I know far more about other countries,,,than most people outside of the Uk know about ours..


No offence intended.  Hey, I was born there...hated the place and got out at the first opportunity age 17*......been to ~85 countries.

*I recall, eons ago, reading the forward of a _Herman_ cartoon book by the late Jim Unger, (who produced the cartoons and died in Vancouver)...he was also born in England and said growing up there he felt he'd been transported from another planet.....I empathized.


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## Shalimar (Dec 9, 2022)

*I have never been married, no regrets.*


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## JaniceM (Dec 9, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Nope...at least in the Uk a Chesterfield is a very specific type of couch or sofa..


Going even further off-topic...  

I've heard those referred to as loveseats- similar to couches, but two-seat instead of the usual three.

Chesterfield was/is a brand of cigarettes.


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## hollydolly (Dec 9, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> Going even further off-topic...
> 
> I've heard those referred to as loveseats- similar to couches, but two-seat instead of the usual three.
> 
> Chesterfield was/is a brand of cigarettes.


I have a leather  2 seater loveseat in my livingroom.. along with a matching 3 seater sofa.. very nice leather which I've had for more than 10 years.. but it's not a Chesterfield, which is defined by it's large rolled arms which are the same height as the back...


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## Nemo2 (Dec 9, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> Going even further off-topic...
> 
> I've heard those referred to as loveseats- similar to couches, but two-seat instead of the usual three.
> 
> Chesterfield was/is a brand of cigarettes.


_"What's in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet."  _Romeo & Juliet.


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## Pepper (Dec 9, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I have a leather  2 seater loveseat in my livingroom.. along with a matching 3 seater sofa.. very nice leather which I've had for more than 10 years.. but it's not a *Chesterfield, which is defined by it's large rolled arms which are the same height as the back...*


We also call a seat where the arms are the same height as the back by the name Tuxedo.


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## Verisure (Dec 9, 2022)

Nemo2 said:


> Or, perhaps, a chesterfield.


I've heard Americans from the south call it a davenport.


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## MarkD (Dec 9, 2022)

MarkD said:


> 1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference.  If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?



My current marriage will reach Y40 next September. I consider this one a win.

My first 3 year starter marriage taught me loads about myself but I’m so glad it didn’t last.



MarkD said:


> 2 - What was/is the best part of that relationship?



We like and respect each other and we enjoy the time we spend together. Since we each need a healthy amount of time to ourselves to pursue our separate interests it is easy to balance us-time with me-time. I suspect sharing similar needs balancing those things can only help a relationship. 




MarkD said:


> 3 - Thinking back to its beginning, do you feel you were ready for it when you got together?  What learning/growing did it require of you?



First one- not at all ready. But I learned that our feelings aren’t up to us. I was so cerebral I didn’t know feelings wouldn’t conform to reason. Imagine my surprise and horror. 

Current one - absolutely. But we both were a little shell shocked from having our first spouse split. So we did a little couples therapy at the start just to make sure we had our eyes open. Her ex was an angry guy who didn’t know how to recognize it early - in fact, he was in denial about being an angry guy so he was explosively angry when he lost control. I’m not like that but I can be judgmental which isn’t too great either. But I rarely lose perspective any more and can laugh about my foibles



MarkD said:


> 4 - Was there something the other person brought into your life that was especially valuable to you?



Art was an interest of mine but i had neither the talent nor the drive to pursue it.   She has both and it’s fun to have it in my life on the side.  We both have creative interests and appreciate what other does.   Funny story: when we met I took her to my place on our second or third date and showed her some drawings and paintings before I knew what she did.  She was kind.  I’d say my compositional sense is pretty close but color, while fun to play with rarely comes together for me where she seemingly can do no wrong.  She was teaching textile art when we met at a private art college and showing her work all over the world. 

Beyond that her grandfather was an early botany professor at UC Berkeley. So college was in here genes. I was taking some JC courses on the side while working when we met. She pushed me to go to Cal as she and her mother had. It was a good decision but I never would have done if she and one one my JC profs hadn’t twisted my arm. 



MarkD said:


> 5 - If you get extra post-relationship innings in your life what aspects would you seek to replace?  How did/would all this influence what you look for next?



I profoundly do not know.  I wouldn’t automatically look for a live together arrangement let alone marriage and I’ll never share a bedroom again. The older I get the more challenging sleep becomes.  But I expect intimacy and company would continue to be welcome if I’m the last spouse standing.  But I’d be very careful to feel out how much alone time they’re comfortable with as I’d still want time for working on my garden, reading and walking the dogs.  My wife and I play cards at nearly every meal.  I’m not sure whether I’d seek to replicate that.


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## palides2021 (Dec 9, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I have no idea what Kool Aid is.. it's not a term used in the UK


I remember drinking Kool-Aid when I was young during the summers. It was usually a powdered drink that you mixed with water and ice cubes, and it had flavors like strawberry, cherry, and orange, etc.  I looked it up, and it seems to have expanded into producing food also: https://www.koolaid.com


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## Been There (Dec 10, 2022)

win231 said:


> One lady in Texas did just that.  To more than one husband:
> https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjI9sGM2-v7AhVuMUQIHR5bD5YQFnoECAwQAQ&url=https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betty_Lou_Beets&usg=AOvVaw3FR8TnoFhLxQycnCarZj4s
> Betty Lou Beets, 46, had an ornamental wishing well in her yard near Gun Barrel City, Tex. She used it as a place to plant some begonias, a few petunias — and one husband.
> Days before she killed him, Betty had begged her fifth spouse, retired Dallas Fire Department Capt. Jimmy Beets, also 46, to build the well to beautify the property that held her trailer home.
> ...


My mom, before she died, told me a story about her favorite male cousin who lived in Chicago. He was married to a really good looking woman and he thought they were happy, but she wanted out of the marriage. My mom's cousin was well off and gave her most anything she wanted. She divorced him anyway and married another man who she ended up murdering. I was a little boy about 7 or 8 and I remember thinking "I wonder if it's OK to do that?" I asked my mom that if you get married and you don't like who you married, it's OK to kill them? My mom kind of tilted her head and looked at me for what seemed like a minute, but was probably only a few seconds and said, "NO!"


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