# Has anybody lost their husbands or wives and decided to stay alone after that?



## Eric (Jul 14, 2016)

I lost my wife some years ago and after wallowing in self pity and grieving alone for a couple of years drinking a lot more than I ever did I went out on a few dates with some lady friends.  Even if I felt a connection with one I didn't want any serious relationships anymore.  Anybody else here feel the same way?  I still go out sometimes but go home alone to sleep on my dear wife's pillow, corny but I feel close to her doing that.


----------



## Falcon (Jul 14, 2016)

Guess it depends upon the person.  Some keep grieving until they're in their own graves.

While others finally feel they've grieved long enough and get on with what's left of their own lives.

Hey, We can't bring 'em back. Why prolong the misery?  We'll still miss them of course.

I'm not trying to be cold about this..........just practical.


----------



## Eric (Jul 14, 2016)

Thanks Falcon guess I'll never stop grieving her loss and I've been trying to get on with life but just can't ever see myself getting married again or even living with someone. Guess you can't teach an ol' dog new tricks.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Jul 14, 2016)

Eric, my sympathy for your loss. :rose:  I think I would be like you.  My husband and I are very close, I think I'd be devastated if anything happened to him.  I realistically don't see myself ever living with someone else or marrying them if that happened.  Touching that you still use her pillow...hugs.


----------



## IKE (Jul 14, 2016)

I'd never try to find another woman if something happened to mama........I'd figure that I'd just be settling for second best anyway.


----------



## Eric (Jul 14, 2016)

Thanks IKE you know what I mean.


----------



## Eric (Jul 14, 2016)

SeaBreeze said:


> Eric, my sympathy for your loss. :rose:  I think I would be like you.  My husband and I are very close, I think I'd be devastated if anything happened to him.  I realistically don't see myself ever living with someone else or marrying them if that happened.  Touching that you still use her pillow...hugs.



Thanks seabreeze.


----------



## Lon (Jul 14, 2016)

My first wife died at age 53 in 1989 after a great 32 year marriage. I was 55 years old and started dating the following year. I felt comfortable about this because we had discussed this kind of scenario and agreed that prolonged grieving did not suit either of us. I dated 30 different women. I realized real quick that as a well off widower I was a hot item and was cautious about whom I would get serious with. I met and fell in love with a woman that was recently divorced and had a net worth equal to my own. We both retired at the same time and married. We then went on to enjoy 23 years of great travel & spending much of our time in New Zealand, many cruises, lots of scuba diving, white water rafting and golf. As we aged, we no longer wanted to do as much travel and wanted to be closer to our respective families that were in two different countries. After separating our respective assets we were able to complete a very inexpensive and amicable divorce which was finalized in early 2015. We are still good friends and communicate via email and phone.

I have truly loved just two women in my life time and lost both. One to death and the other to divorce and now as a aging octogenairian am missing both of them.


----------



## Eric (Jul 14, 2016)

Thanks for telling your story Lon I know you must miss them at least you're still friends with the one you divorced.


----------



## Ameriscot (Jul 15, 2016)

Eric, I believe I would react like you have.  I had 2 bad marriages when I was younger but I've been happily married for the past 16 years.  I feel like Ike in that if I was widowed no one else would measure up.


----------



## Debby (Jul 17, 2016)

I've already decided that if Don goes first, I'll never pair up again and I've told him that, but I've also told him that if I go first, he shouldn't feel bad if he finds someone else to spend his last years with.  He needs someone to be with him far more than I do.  He would be too lonely and he's a terrible cook so he'd either starve to death or eat so much restaurant food that his heart would give out in short order.


----------



## Goldfynche (Jul 17, 2016)

*My wife and I separated and divorced at the turn of the century. No hanky panky on either side. Just that she got disillusioned with married life with me. She moved in with someone else and eventually they remarried. But he turned out to be a complete moron, even keeping a photo of his favourite hooker in his wallet.
So she left him and moved up here to Scotland. Tragically, she had lived up here only a few months before she fell violently ill and in just 5 weeks, succumbed to cancer. My daughter was at her wits end with panic as she didn't drive and the hospital was over 20 miles away. So she did the only thing she could do and called upon me. I was in two minds about getting involved but decided that she needed help.
So I spent the remainder of my wife's life, holding her hand and helping her through her last days.
I'm happy to say that bridges were mended and we spent some beautiful moments together, right up until the end.
The cruellest irony hit me just afterwards when it occurred to me that I had been by her bedside whilst our daughter came into this world, only to be by her bedside with our daughter, when she left this world!

To get back to the thread topic. It never entered my mind ever, about finding another partner, before or since her passing. Infact , my daughter put it perfectly to someone, who on hearing of her mother, asked "Has your dad got someone else?" To which my daughter apparently answered "No! Mum was the only love of Dads life!"*


----------



## Underock1 (Jul 17, 2016)

Debby said:


> I've already decided that if Don goes first, I'll never pair up again and I've told him that, but I've also told him that if I go first, he shouldn't feel bad if he finds someone else to spend his last years with.  He needs someone to be with him far more than I do.  He would be too lonely and he's a terrible cook so he'd either starve to death or eat so much restaurant food that his heart would give out in short order.



My wife and I had agreed to that too, Debbie. After a long and happy life together I'm not interested. If your hubby lost you, he might very well welcome going with a heart attack. There are still some things that interest me, and I live for my son and grandsons, but life is not the same. I'm really done here.


----------



## Underock1 (Jul 17, 2016)

Goldfynche said:


> *My wife and I separated and divorced at the turn of the century. No hanky panky on either side. Just that she got disillusioned with married life with me. She moved in with someone else and eventually they remarried. But he turned out to be a complete moron, even keeping a photo of his favourite hooker in his wallet.
> So she left him and moved up here to Scotland. Tragically, she had lived up here only a few months before she fell violently ill and in just 5 weeks, succumbed to cancer. My daughter was at her wits end with panic as she didn't drive and the hospital was over 20 miles away. So she did the only thing she could do and called upon me. I was in two minds about getting involved but decided that she needed help.
> So I spent the remainder of my wife's life, holding her hand and helping her through her last days.
> I'm happy to say that bridges were mended and we spent some beautiful moments together, right up until the end.
> ...



I hear you. Well done, Goldfynche. Its interesting that you mention spending some beautiful moments together holding hands at the end. 
Some of the most loving moments in a long and very loving marriage were the ones we spent together holding hands at her bedside in my wife's last months.


----------



## Debby (Jul 17, 2016)

Wow Goldfynche, lovely story and thank you for sharing such a private and loving time with us!  That's the kind of love that we need more of in this world!  When old hurts and wounded feelings are put aside for the sake of doing the greatest kindness!  Hats of to you sir!

And underock1, I think there are probably lots of us who feel that way about our significant other.  I tease my husband that I simply don't feel like retraining another husband, but really it's more that I just can't imagine someone else sitting 'in his chair' or walking through the door with me.  Totally loyal like a faithful old dog I guess, but he's it for me too.


----------



## Underock1 (Jul 17, 2016)

Debby said:


> Wow Goldfynche, lovely story and thank you for sharing such a private and loving time with us!  That's the kind of love that we need more of in this world!  When old hurts and wounded feelings are put aside for the sake of doing the greatest kindness!  Hats of to you sir!
> 
> And underock1, I think there are probably lots of us who feel that way about our significant other.  I tease my husband that I simply don't feel like retraining another husband, but really it's more that I just can't imagine someone else sitting 'in his chair' or walking through the door with me.  Totally loyal like a faithful old dog I guess, but he's it for me too.



I congratulate you, Debbie. You obviously have the real thing. Not everyone gets that. Nothing more noble, more valuable, more needed in this world than a faithful old dog.


----------



## Wren (Jul 18, 2016)

I have a great life, keep it simple and can't imagine wanting to be romantically involved with anybody again, I met my darling late in life and lost him 3 years ago, he wasn't my first love but I'm sure he'll be my last


----------



## Underock1 (Jul 18, 2016)

Wren said:


> I have a great life, keep it simple and can't imagine wanting to be romantically involved with anybody again, I met my darling late in life and lost him 3 years ago, he wasn't my first love but I'm sure he'll be my last



Sorry for your loss. Keeping it simple becomes really important at this stage. We learn to accept people's foibles over time. A new romance comes with a ton of baggage. Not saying it doesn't work well for many, but alone does have some things going for it.


----------



## Butterfly (Jul 18, 2016)

I don't have any desire to be in another relationship because the relationship with my husband was so traumatic.  Never again!


----------



## QuickSilver (Jul 18, 2016)

I think it depends on the age you are and what kind of marriage you had.

If you are younger... say in your 50's I think you would tend to want to remarry... especially if you had a very good and satisfying 1st marriage... why wouldn't you want to have that happiness again?


----------



## Underock1 (Jul 18, 2016)

QuickSilver said:


> I think it depends on the age you are and what kind of marriage you had.
> 
> If you are younger... say in your 50's I think you would tend to want to remarry... especially if you had a very good and satisfying 1st marriage... why wouldn't you want to have that happiness again?



Agreed. One size does not fit all.


----------



## QuickSilver (Jul 18, 2016)

Underock1 said:


> Agreed. One size does not fit all.



For sure.   I was widowed at age 52.  I have remarried..  The most painful part of it was having friends and family look down their collective noses because I chose to.   I can recall so many hurtful comments and insinuations.  It was very distressing.  My advise to anyone facing this is to do what your heart and head tells you is right for you.  Don't pay attention to what others say.  At the end of the day, THEY get go home to their loved one...    They have no idea what it is to be in our situation.  I have always contended that it is very easy for someone to be so sure of what they would do.. without having a clue.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Jul 18, 2016)

QuickSilver said:


> For sure.   I was widowed at age 52.  I have remarried..  The most painful part of it was having friends and family look down their collective noses because I chose to.   I can recall so many hurtful comments and insinuations.  It was very distressing.



I worked with this man who lost his wife.  Within a short period of time he met someone and started dating, soon he married the woman.  I couldn't believe how judgemental people were criticizing him behind his back with comments that I won't even repeat.  I didn't particularly like the man, but I defended him, saying that everyone is different, and everyone grieves differently.  Some people may take years, while others never stop grieving.  Some like him decided to move on with his life when he met someone he liked, and I didn't see anything in the world wrong with that.  His wife had passed on, she probably would have wanted him to go on with his life and try to find happiness again.


----------



## Underock1 (Jul 18, 2016)

SeaBreeze said:


> I worked with this man who lost his wife.  Within a short period of time he met someone and started dating, soon he married the woman.  I couldn't believe how judgemental people were criticizing him behind his back with comments that I won't even repeat.  I didn't particularly like the man, but I defended him, saying that everyone is different, and everyone grieves differently.  Some people may take years, while others never stop grieving.  Some like him decided to move on with his life when he met someone he liked, and I didn't see anything in the world wrong with that.  His wife had passed on, she probably would have wanted him to go on with his life and try to find happiness again.



I am really surprised at this and Quicksilver's experience. What is wrong with these people? i have found it usual for couples to give their blessing to  each other to remarry after the death of one. Loving people care about each others happiness. I know we did that. I am just not interested.


----------



## QuickSilver (Jul 18, 2016)

SeaBreeze said:


> I worked with this man who lost his wife.  Within a short period of time he met someone and started dating, soon he married the woman.  I couldn't believe how judgemental people were criticizing him behind his back with comments that I won't even repeat.  I didn't particularly like the man, but I defended him, saying that everyone is different, and everyone grieves differently.  Some people may take years, while others never stop grieving.  Some like him decided to move on with his life when he met someone he liked, and I didn't see anything in the world wrong with that.  His wife had passed on, she probably would have wanted him to go on with his life and try to find happiness again.



Oh... I know the comments...  

1. He/she didn't even wait for the body to get cold

2.  He/she must not have really loved her/his late spouse.

3  I could never replace my husband/wife so easily

4... He /she must have had this one "waiting in the wings"

5.   Obviously she/he is afraid of being alone.


----------



## Wren (Jul 18, 2016)

There's also a chance the marriage wasn't as happy as it seemed,  nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, if this is the case and the bereaved spouse quickly finds happiness with another person good luck to them, life is too short to worry about what others think


----------



## Eric (Jul 18, 2016)

Thanks everybody for your reply good to get all your stories and different opinions on this.  Quicksilver and seabreeze it don't look like those people were friends I wouldn't may them no mind


----------



## GeorgiaXplant (Jul 18, 2016)

QuickSilver said:


> 2.  He/she must not have really loved her/his late spouse.



Au contraire...he must have really loved her and loved being married. So he married again. High praise for his deceased wife.

Had I been somewhat younger when my husband died, I would have married again (provided the right partner turned up).


----------



## QuickSilver (Jul 19, 2016)

I think that when we are older, we have more clarity in what we want, and also what we don't want.   It didn't take me long to figure out that my present husband was someone I wanted to be with..  He fit me like a glove... intellectually and emotionally.  His sense of humor mirrored mine and we make each other laugh.  He gets me...    we didn't see any reason to wait.. we were married just 15 months following both of us being widowed.   We have just celebrated our 13th anniversary.   I have never been sorry. But both of us paid the price with family and friends.   Hubby has not been allowed to see his grandchildren or his older daughter since we were married..  it's a shame that people do this to their parent  AND to their children.


----------



## angelica (Jul 19, 2016)

Hi,Eric!I've lost my husband 2010. We were already making plans for our golden wedding which would have been two years later.
It should'nt be! I can understand your feelings! I would'nt like to share my own private life with someone else.
I go out with a friend now and then but like you,I go home and sleep alone.I'm a positiv and optimistic person and enjoy life again.But in my heart there is only one,which I can't forget.I fell in love with him,when I was 13 years of age. Of course,he did'nt notice me then! 7 years later he did.


----------



## Carla (Jul 23, 2016)

I lost my husband several years ago and I don't think dating is in my future. I wouldn't mind having a friend to talk to or go out once in a while but that would seem selfish and unrealistic to believe someone would want that too. I'm OK with being alone-- not that I prefer it, I'd prefer to have my husband here but that's not going to happen. It is not grief that makes me feel this way though there isn't a day I don't think of him. I told myself as I was still grieving I would make every effort to be as happy as I can be no matter what direction life takes me. So far, I am managing OK amongst many challenges but it may be that that keeps me going! Life is still good.


----------



## Eric (Jul 23, 2016)

Thanks Angelica and Carla for sharing your opinion sorry for your loss.


----------



## tnthomas (Jul 23, 2016)

> Has anybody lost their husbands or wives and decided to stay alone after that?



I would be inclined to stay alone initially, but would not go as far as to say that would be absolute.


----------



## Brookswood (Jul 26, 2016)

I know a lady who lost her husband after a long illness.   I don't think she was thrilled with him when he was healthy but she took care of him for years while he was ill.   I get the impressions that they were more like roommates bound together by financial ties. Today the last thing she wants is another man she will have to care for.


----------



## JustBonee (Nov 10, 2020)

..


----------



## Tish (Nov 10, 2020)

Eric let me first give you my most heartfelt condolences on your loss.
I lost my husband 5 years ago. 
I have never bothered with finding someone else, I am happy being single and I doubt very much I will ever want to be living with someone else.


----------



## Lewkat (Nov 10, 2020)

My husband was shot out of the sky over the South China Sea in 1966, the year our son was born.  I was stunned beyond belief.  AF wives are supposed to be prepared for this.  Not so, but I did have a baby to keep me busy.  I did not allow myself to wallow in grief for I could not pass that along to my child.  While I dated sporadically and came close to getting serious with one fellow, I cut it off as I did not want to ever go through that again.  I've been fine being single and have my memories.  My son, on the other hand, lost his wife very fast to an extremely toxic form of uterine cancer.  She was only 49 and he 52.  At first he was drinking quite a bit and I sat on him for this and he listened.  I got him into a bereavement group and they have bonded well and are all good friends now.  He still sees a spiritual advisor and that helps.  Holidays and anniversaries are still very tough for him.  He keeps in touch as I did with old friends and just seems to enjoy being on his own a little more each day.  He has not dated, but has an eye for the ladies as he always did, so I doubt it will be too long.  They had no children.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Nov 10, 2020)

Lewkat said:


> My husband was shot out of the sky over the South China Sea in 1966, the year our son was born.  I was stunned beyond belief.  AF wives are supposed to be prepared for this.  Not so, but I did have a baby to keep me busy.  I did not allow myself to wallow in grief for I could not pass that along to my child.  While I dated sporadically and came close to getting serious with one fellow, I cut it off as I did not want to ever go through that again.  I've been fine being single and have my memories.  My son, on the other hand, lost his wife very fast to an extremely toxic form of uterine cancer.  She was only 49 and he 52.  At first he was drinking quite a bit and I sat on him for this and he listened.  I got him into a bereavement group and they have bonded well and are all good friends now.  He still sees a spiritual advisor and that helps.  Holidays and anniversaries are still very tough for him.  He keeps in touch as I did with old friends and just seems to enjoy being on his own a little more each day.  He has not dated, but has an eye for the ladies as he always did, so I doubt it will be too long.  They had no children.


@Lewkat,  I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and your son's wife....my condolences and sincere sympathy.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Nov 10, 2020)

Tish said:


> Eric let me first give you my most heartfelt condolences on your loss.
> I lost my husband 5 years ago.
> I have never bothered with finding someone else, I am happy being single and I doubt very much I will ever want to be living with someone else.


@Tish, very sorry for your loss...hugs.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Nov 10, 2020)

Bonnie said:


> I've been alone since losing my husband 7 years ago, after 49 years of marriage. It was an adjustment for sure, but never did I think that I needed someone to 'replace' him. Having pets around was all the companionship I needed after that time. And I still stand by that choice.


Bonnie, I know it must be very difficult to lose your dear husband, my sympathy.  I would be like you, I can't imaging ever replacing my husband if I lost him after all these years, I would be content with the company of my pets.  Hugs.


----------



## bowmore (Nov 10, 2020)

I lost my wife of 30 years, and did a lot of solo traveling to places she had no desire to go. I wrote trip stories about each of these travels.  I ended one trip story as follows:
Well so ends a very exciting trip, but at this point my life is at a crossroads. I have no idea when my next trip is or
where it will be to. Time will tell.
Well here is what happened:
When I came back from my last trip in October, I said I had no idea where I would be going next, but I did not want
to be traveling alone again. Well, life is funny that way, because I met a wonderful lady named @Kayelle, who is a widow
and has sons about the same age as mine.


----------



## fmdog44 (Nov 13, 2020)

When I was 20 my girlfriend drowned. After a short period of disbelief I felt more anger than sadness. I find I miss some of my friends that have died but I never dwell on it much. I have never cried over anyone's death as I accept death as part of life. I hated to watch my dad pass from Alzheimer's mostly because it is a slow, grueling and sad process. I miss him most of all people.


----------



## Autumn (Nov 14, 2020)

My first husband died when I was in my 40s after a prolonged illness.  I took care of him for 11 years.  At the end, he developed a dementia related to his neurological condition.  I felt more like a caretaker than a wife, and the dementia caused him to be verbally abusive.

I remarried a few years later and was married to Jesse for 26 years.  I just can't imagine being with anyone else, I still feel married to him.

I'm not indulging in over-the-top grieving, and I feel like I'm getting on with my life, but there's just no place in it for another man.


----------



## bowmore (Nov 17, 2020)

Autumn said:


> My first husband died when I was in my 40s after a prolonged illness.  I took care of him for 11 years.  At the end, he developed a dementia related to his neurological condition.  I felt more like a caretaker than a wife, and the dementia caused him to be verbally abusive.
> 
> I remarried a few years later and was married to Jesse for 26 years.  I just can't imagine being with anyone else, I still feel married to him.
> 
> I'm not indulging in over-the-top grieving, and I feel like I'm getting on with my life, but there's just no place in it for another man.


Autumn,  my heart goes out to you. My wife was brain injured, and I was her caregiver for 12 years. Towards the end she got more and more confused, as scarring was worsening.
I also remarried a few years later, and am blessed to still have my new wife here.


----------

