# I'm Scared I'll Never Find a Place to Buy.



## Remy (Jun 1, 2021)

I had written here in the 'what have you bought lately thread' late last year that I bought a manufactured house in a senior park. I never moved in and sold it. It was too big, over 1400 sf and for all sorts of reasons, I didn't want to move in.

Everything is getting more and more expensive in my area. The money I saved through work on my feet for years and years is losing it's value every day. I'd like to look at other areas but I feel trapped by my stepfather. I have so much resentment toward him.

I'm just venting. I don't know what to do.


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 1, 2021)

Remy, I do apologize for not knowing the history behind you and your stepfather, but feel bad for you knowing what you're up against in your quest to find a home.

My hubby works with a man who recently sold his house thinking he and his wife could walk away with an extra bundle (cash), then purchase another home and bank the rest. Well, their idea flopped, now they're prisoners in a complex they don't like, they've lost their freedom, they've lost their privacy, they have no yard, and all in the name of greed.


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## Remy (Jun 1, 2021)

@Aunt Marg Thank you for your reply. My history with my stepfather is that he was not abusive. My mother was. But her never protected us. He took care of us financially, or we would have been up the creek but never did anything to stop my mother. He never stepped in when she raged at me or physically abused me. Not once, he never stood up to her. Though he observed both. He justifies her abuse saying "it wasn't her fault" and "she couldn't help it." Because she had her own trauma.

I'd like to look at other towns in my area of the state but feel trapped by him. I feel like I'm just here for his needs when needed and he knows it. I wonder sometimes also if he's getting his revenge on my mother (she was very abusive to him also) by getting back at me. 

I'd like to find a place that works for me so I can also take 2 of the 3 feral cats at my workplace that I go over to feed every day even when not working. 2 are more tame, the 3rd is more feral. They are all 3 fixed and released by a local organization here. 

I'm sorry that didn't work out with your husbands co-worker. I wonder what happened?


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 1, 2021)

Remy said:


> @Aunt Marg Thank you for your reply. My history with my stepfather is that he was not abusive. My mother was. But her never protected us. He took care of us financially, or we would have been up the creek but never did anything to stop my mother. He never stepped in when she raged at me or physically abused me. Not once, he never stood up to her. Though he observed both. He justifies her abuse saying "it wasn't her fault" and "she couldn't help it." Because she had her own trauma.
> 
> I'd like to look at other towns in my area of the state but feel trapped by him. I feel like I'm just here for his needs when needed and he knows it. I wonder sometimes also if he's getting his revenge on my mother (she was very abusive to him also) by getting back at me.
> 
> ...


I'm very sorry to hear of the abuse you suffered, Remy.

Do you take care of your step-father, is that why you feel obligated to remain in close proximity/area to where you currently are?

As for the gentleman my husband works with, him and his wife brought on their own woes, they seen dollar signs instead of reality, and it stung them right in their behinds.


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## Remy (Jun 1, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> I'm very sorry to hear of the abuse you suffered, Remy.
> 
> Do you take care of your step-father, is that why you feel obligated to remain in close proximity/area to where you currently are?
> 
> As for the gentleman my husband works with, him and his wife brought on their own woes, they seen dollar signs instead of reality, and it stung them right in their behinds.


My stepfather is independent right now. When he broke his hip 2 years ago or whatever it was, I dealt with it all. Taking care of his cats daily. Dealing with his insane amount of solicitations because he was making donation checks. I called, emailed or wrote almost 300 organizations to get them to stop. Some of these places were sending solicitations at least 2 times a week. Once there were 72 solicitations stuffed in his box for 2 days.

Until he could drive I took him shopping weekly, took him to all appointments, dealt with the rehab place losing his partial, they kept trying to blow me off but they paid for it. Took all the phone calls from home health and appointments due to his hearing impairment. Dealt with home health when he wouldn't let them in the house, got him set up with a home alarm system after calling like 5 places. Dealt with him accidently setting it off and then him stating he didn't want it anymore. All while my brother yelled at me from the other side of the U.S. telling me I wasn't doing anything. 

He also gave me yet another letter with his final wishes. He could take care of this himself but he doesn't. Just dumps it on me. He got mad at me because I don't come over enough. I'm not cruel enough to tell him what I actually think of him. He's pushing 92. Something is going to happen and the burden will be all on me. So I'm stuck here and he doesn't seem to care or get it. Like I said, maybe it's his revenge. I wish I could just walk away


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 1, 2021)

Remy said:


> My stepfather is independent right now. When he broke his hip 2 years ago or whatever it was, I dealt with it all. Taking care of his cats daily. Dealing with his insane amount of solicitations because he was making donation checks. I called, emailed or wrote almost 300 organizations to get them to stop. Some of these places were sending solicitations at least 2 times a week. Once there were 72 solicitations stuffed in his box for 2 days.
> 
> Until he could drive I took him shopping weekly, took him to all appointments, dealt with the rehab place losing his partial, they kept trying to blow me off but they paid for it. Took all the phone calls from home health and appointments due to his hearing impairment. Dealt with home health when he wouldn't let them in the house, got him set up with a home alarm system after calling like 5 places. Dealt with him accidently setting it off and then him stating he didn't want it anymore. All while my brother yelled at me from the other side of the U.S. telling me I wasn't doing anything.
> 
> He also gave me yet another letter with his final wishes. He could take care of this himself but he doesn't. Just dumps it on me. He got mad at me because I don't come over enough. I'm not cruel enough to tell him what I actually think of him. He's pushing 92. Something is going to happen and the burden will be all on me. So I'm stuck here and he doesn't seem to care or get it. Like I said, maybe it's his revenge. I wish I could just walk away


Sigh... Remy, as much as I know you're dedicated to seeing this thing through, I want you to rethink and reflect upon your own interests and needs. We're all getting up in age where today could be our last, and it's not fair to yourself to have to put your life on hold at this point and stage in your life after working a lifetime.

In speaking for myself, it sounds to me as though your step-father has the means for homecare, and so I would look at setting that up for him (at his expense), and move forward with living out the last of your dreams while you still can.

There's little thanks in this world anymore for turning oneself inside-out for others, and my advice to you would be to settle things up and move forward with a fresh new you.

Be true to yourself and wash your hands clean of this toxic situation that's making you ill.


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## Knight (Jun 1, 2021)

Quotes
My stepfather is independent right now.

Dealing with his insane amount of solicitations because he was making donation checks. I called, emailed or wrote almost 300 organizations to get them to stop. Some of these places were sending solicitations at least 2 times a week. Once there were 72 solicitations stuffed in his box for 2 days.

It's time for you to not feel guilty for wanting to live your last years in peace.
Independent & obviously with enough resources to donate, him moving to an assisted living home & that place carrying out his last wishes make sense to me.  Of course notifying you of when & where the burial will take place would be something you would want them to do.

Might sound harsh but you don't sound like you are living the kind of life you deserve at this point in your life.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 1, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> Sigh... Remy, as much as I know you're dedicated to seeing this thing through, I want you to rethink and reflect upon your own interests and needs. We're all getting up in age where today could be our last, and it's not fair to yourself to have to put your life on hold at this point and stage in your life after working a lifetime.
> 
> In speaking for myself, it sounds to me as though your step-father has the means for homecare, and so I would look at setting that up for him (at his expense), and move forward with living out the last of your dreams while you still can.
> 
> ...


Yes! You gotta do that, Remmy. Your step-dad is 92 and could live another 4 to 8 years! You've already done more than your share. If you do like Marg said, he'll be fine.


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## Remy (Jun 3, 2021)

@Aunt Marg @Knight @Murrmurr Thanks and I agree with you all. It's that FOG-fear, obligation, guilt. Adding that I have no support. Not even kind words from my brother. He's so toxic. When I told him initially when my stepfather was hospitalized how stressed I was he had a nasty rapid comeback for everything I said. He actually told me "take them to the pound!" when I said I didn't know what I would do with his cats if he couldn't live independent anymore. Then he wrote my stepfather that I didn't want to "collect your mail" and was "disinterested in taking care of your cats" When I called him on twisting things I said his response was "I'm sorry you think I twist things." He is a very damaged and abusive person from our mother's abuse. And our stepfather doing nothing to protect us.

My stepfather has that old age weirdness. Doesn't want anyone in his house. Hides things like his checkbook. Worried about break-ins. Lives in a senior adult mobile park. One of the safest places you can live. Wants to buy a safe for what I don't know. I am getting to the point where I want to help him less. I'm not going to enable his weirdness by contacting safe companies to send him information. He's not online.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 3, 2021)

Remy said:


> @Aunt Marg @Knight @Murrmurr Thanks and I agree with you all. It's that FOG-fear, obligation, guilt. Adding that I have no support. Not even kind words from my brother. He's so toxic. When I told him initially when my stepfather was hospitalized how stressed I was he had a nasty rapid comeback for everything I said. He actually told me "take them to the pound!" when I said I didn't know what I would do with his cats if he couldn't live independent anymore. Then he wrote my stepfather that I didn't want to "collect your mail" and was "disinterested in taking care of your cats" When I called him on twisting things I said his response was "I'm sorry you think I twist things." He is a very damaged and abusive person from our mother's abuse. And our stepfather doing nothing to protect us.
> 
> My stepfather has that old age weirdness. Doesn't want anyone in his house. Hides things like his checkbook. Worried about break-ins. Lives in a senior adult mobile park. One of the safest places you can live. Wants to buy a safe for what I don't know. I am getting to the point where I want to help him less. I'm not going to enable his weirdness by contacting safe companies to send him information. He's not online.


My son used to work in an assisted living complex. As a therapist there, he got to know the families of his elderly clients really well. He told me that the elderly clients who carried guilt over the way they lived their lives became anxious or fearful in their old age, whereas those whose families said they were good, loving people were sweet and very helpful in old age. 

I thought that was interesting. I hope you can move on with peace of mind, Remy. I want you to be in that second group when you get old.


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## dobielvr (Jun 3, 2021)

I dont want to sound harsh....but break the cycle.  Do what's best for you, while you're able.

Maybe suggest those girls that come in for 8 hrs a day to help.  I think Medicare may help some w/that.  Not sure.
That's what my 91 yr old friend is doing.  He seems happier having them around.  And he's a cantankerous ole' guy lol.

And that way, you can pop in to visit when you can and want....


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## Murrmurr (Jun 3, 2021)

dobielvr said:


> I dont want to sound harsh....but break the cycle.  Do what's best for you, while you're able.
> 
> Maybe suggest those girls that come in for 8 hrs a day to help.  I think Medicare may help some w/that.  Not sure.
> That's what my 91 yr old friend is doing.  He seems happier having them around.  And he's a cantankerous ole' guy lol.


Medicare does help. I think they cover 80hrs/year, but it depends on how much $ you have on hand.


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## Jules (Jun 3, 2021)

Remy said:


> Some of these places were sending solicitations at least 2 times a week. Once there were 72 solicitations stuffed in his box for 2 days.


Not as bad as this with my mother.  I handled it by sending the solicitations marked “DECEASED.“ It finally did the trick.



Remy said:


> All while my brother yelled at me from the other side of the U.S. telling me I wasn't doing anything.


Sounds like your stepfather is telling lies about what you do for him to your brother and probably everyone else.  As a minimum, he doesn’t realize how much. 

I’m not sure if you’re in his will.  If he becomes angry and says you’ve done nothing, you should keep a diary of dates and times.  You may have a dispute with your brother later.


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## Victor (Jun 16, 2021)

Sorry for your situation. I had a very demanding abusive mother who always wanted our attention
in all circumstances. I waited and waited before deciding to move far away. She lived a very long aged life and now I feel too old without energy to move 1000 miles away to high competitive rental markets. I finally have the money saved for a modest apt. if I can find one in my state I can afford. Moving can be traumatic and costly.  Then consider you will need all new doctors.


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## terry123 (Jun 16, 2021)

It does help to write "deceased" on mail and put it back in the bin.  I would walk away and live my own life. You owe him nothing but you owe it to yourself to live a fuller life than you are now.


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## helenbacque (Jun 16, 2021)

At some point, we all must let self-preservation kick in.


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 25, 2021)

Never quit thinking of you, Remy, regarding this. 

Do you have any updates for us... how things are going, etc?


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## Remy (Jun 25, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> Never quit thinking of you, Remy, regarding this.
> 
> Do you have any updates for us... how things are going, etc?


That's so kind of you Aunt Marg. Nothing new. I'm still looking daily for any nice mobiles for sale in adult parks in this town and nothing is coming up. My stepfather didn't get his taxes done because they were not doing them free where he had them done before due to Covid I guess. So now I have to make an appointment for him to get them done. He doesn't want to pay the money but he has too. I pay to get mine done.


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 25, 2021)

Remy said:


> That's so kind of you Aunt Marg. Nothing new. I'm still looking daily for any nice mobiles for sale in adult parks in this town and nothing is coming up. My stepfather didn't get his taxes done because they were not doing them free where he had them done before due to Covid I guess. So now I have to make an appointment for him to get them done. He doesn't want to pay the money but he has too. I pay to get mine done.


Remy, you stick with your plan. I'm rooting for you!

Keep the dream alive, that's been my mantra forever and a day.

Will be sending good thoughts your way for much success!


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## officerripley (Jun 26, 2021)

Remy, do you think it would do any good to talk to a realtor about a mobile for sale? I know it depends on the area you're in, but I heard about this area that whether you're looking for a mobile or a conventional house that you should find a good realtor--which can take some doing, sigh--tell them what you want and get your name on a list; they say around here that when people with a mobile/house to sell contact a realtor, sometimes the realtor doesn't even have to advertise the place; he/she just calls the first name on that list. Of course, it's cheaper to look yourself; but I wonder--if you can find a good honest realtor of course--if going the realtor route would help you find something faster?


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## officerripley (Jun 26, 2021)

Just had another thought; there's a website, mobile home village (https://www.mhvillage.com/homes/sal...VCVKgHURzb1mif11qqMcSG5vGsKKahBxoCl40QAvD_BwE); I don't know if mobiles might pop up on there before hearing about it any other way, maybe worth a look?


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## Remy (Jun 28, 2021)

officerripley said:


> Remy, do you think it would do any good to talk to a realtor about a mobile for sale? I know it depends on the area you're in, but I heard about this area that whether you're looking for a mobile or a conventional house that you should find a good realtor--which can take some doing, sigh--tell them what you want and get your name on a list; they say around here that when people with a mobile/house to sell contact a realtor, sometimes the realtor doesn't even have to advertise the place; he/she just calls the first name on that list. Of course, it's cheaper to look yourself; but I wonder--if you can find a good honest realtor of course--if going the realtor route would help you find something faster?


I do have a realtor. In fact she has an old place (mid 70's, no way) place listed. I mentioned to her once to let me know if anything good comes up through her office. She replied something like 'people want things to go to the MLS.' I get it. It's a TOTAL sellers market in this area right now. 

There is one park where the long time manager encourages people to list for sale by owner. I get the feeling she does not like real estate agents. She has my number but nothing is for sale right now in that park.


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## Jules (Jun 28, 2021)

If you have a decent apartment, I’d not rush into anything in this market.  JMO.


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## Remy (Jun 28, 2021)

Aunt Marg said:


> Remy, you stick with your plan. I'm rooting for you!
> 
> Keep the dream alive, that's been my mantra forever and a day.
> 
> Will be sending good thoughts your way for much success!


Thank you so much!


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## Mr. Ed (Jun 28, 2021)

I'm scared I will end up in the Never Place


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## officerripley (Jun 28, 2021)

Mr. Ed said:


> I'm scared I will end up in the Never Place


What is the Never Place?


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## mellowyellow (Jun 28, 2021)

I hope the realtor rings soon with some good news Remy, wish I could reach across the water and give you a big hug.


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## officerripley (Jun 28, 2021)

Wishing for you, Remy! Hope things get better.


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## Colleen (Jun 28, 2021)

I've skimmed through the posts and my heart goes out to you. However, I'm thinking that your step-dad needs to be in a care facility. It sounds like he has dementia and shouldn't be left alone. Hiding his checkbook and not wanting anyone in the house, etc. are all signs that dementia is part of his problem. Does he have a doctor that you could talk to about him? My father was only 76 when he passed in 1987. I've thought about his mental state and the things he said and did for the last 5 years of his life (and maybe it was longer because I wasn't around at that time). He'd hide money in the false ceiling in the basement; accuse people (relatives and neighbors) of stealing things from the house and garage; and when he drove, he'd get lost and he had 2 accidents one right after the other. He cleaned out their savings and bought a new car without telling my mother.

I didn't know what to do. I'd never heard of dementia. My mother was crippled up with arthritis and in constant pain and his "craziness" only made everything worse. He refused to see a doctor and my mother just didn't care any more so she didn't try to get him help. 

I can tell this has taken a toll on you and if you continue to let it go on, he'll outlive you. You need some outside help and I urge you to talk to someone. There's help but you have to make the first step. (((HUGS))).


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