# Would You Have Kids Again?



## fureverywhere (Mar 14, 2016)

Really, if you knew then what you know now, would you have done the same thing? Looking at jujubes lovely picture...I mean I so remember receiving each newborn bundle and that magic that comes with it. I mean if our finances and health allowed for it I probably would have considered doing foster care in my later years, maybe even adopting.
But I had my kids too early and far too many of them without considering the future houseful of teenagers. If I could do it again it would have been getting settled in a career, then one and done. Until I got older and wiser and was ready to be a foster parent. Then again maybe I would have passed on human kids and had a houseful of cats and dogs...:love_heart:


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## Ameriscot (Mar 14, 2016)

Yes, but I would have had them with a different man and been at least 10 years older before I had them.  And for the bonus:  grandkids!!!


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## Underock1 (Mar 14, 2016)

Absolutely! We had a plan right from the beginning. Stuck to it, carried it out flawlessly and reaped the huge rewards.
Married at 23 and 18. Enjoyed each other and saved for two years. Had our first boy. We were doing the take your temperature thing and hit it on the first shot. :smug1: Waited two years and had our second boy. Took us two shots to do that, but still pretty good. I do remember coming home exhausted after a party one night and having my Sweetie wave the thermometer at me.:what1:But somehow we managed. :banana:

Yeah the kids were great, but the grandkids were _really _fun. We were still young enough to roll on the floor and run around the house with them. Yeah. Kids really _were _us! Do that part of my life over in an eye blink.


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## Capt Lightning (Mar 14, 2016)

Dianne and I married fairly young and had our kids fairly young too.  In a way we all grew up together. None of the children show any inclination to parenthood and in a way, I don't blame them.  The world is in such state that I would worry for their future.


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## FazeFour (Mar 14, 2016)

Yes, but I'd want the exact same ones.


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## Ameriscot (Mar 14, 2016)

FazeFour said:


> Yes, but I'd want the exact same ones.



Me too!


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## vickyNightowl (Mar 14, 2016)

I would have more kids!


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## Guitarist (Mar 14, 2016)

fureverywhere said:


> Really, if you knew then what you know now, would you have done the same thing? Looking at jujubes lovely picture...I mean I so remember receiving each newborn bundle and that magic that comes with it. I mean if our finances and health allowed for it I probably would have considered doing foster care in my later years, maybe even adopting.
> But I had my kids too early and far too many of them without considering the future houseful of teenagers. If I could do it again it would have been getting settled in a career, then one and done. Until I got older and wiser and was ready to be a foster parent. Then again maybe I would have passed on human kids and had a houseful of cats and dogs...:love_heart:



I have never had kids and never really wanted to.  Sometimes when I hear news stories these days I am glad I don't have kids or grandkids who will grow up with that, without having ever experienced life as I knew it as a kid.  But then I remember the world is pretty old, lots of kids have grown up and done well, so ... 

But when I was young I thought that I would rather raise ponies and dogs and cats than kids!


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## Lon (Mar 14, 2016)

No regrets-----Just had one un planned child that always wished she had siblings but made up for that by having three children of her own.


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## Arachne (Mar 14, 2016)

Yes, but I would be older this time round.. But want same kidlets


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## Ina (Mar 14, 2016)

Funny how things work out, even as a small child I knew I didn't want children. Instead I had two sons, and two step daughters, and one adopted sons. I loved them all, but I have wondered many times what my life night have held for me without children.


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## boozercruiser (Mar 14, 2016)

Mine is quite a long and complicated story of which I could write a book.
My first Wife and I had three children.
But in answer to the question.

No, I Wouldn't!


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## fureverywhere (Mar 14, 2016)

Um, not disrespecting girls in the least...I know many mom's who understood their daughters perhaps even more than their male offspring. I tip my hat to all of you really...I sucked at girls. The boys I did splendid with. Fireworks, wrestling, their books, school activities, soccer and basketball, catching frogs and turtles, SEALS weekend camp, shoot my older boy even taught me basic skateboarding. But I was never a girly girl even when I was young. My daughters all but spoke another language.


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## FazeFour (Mar 14, 2016)

Ina said:


> Funny how things work out, even as a small child I knew I didn't want children. Instead I had two sons, and two step daughters, and one adopted sons. I loved them all, but I have wondered many times what my life night have held for me without children.



Me, too, Ina. I was diagnosed as infertile at age 22, and prescribed birth-control pills to correct the symptoms I was having. I was happy with that news. But four years later I was Mom to my two sons, and foster Mom to two other boys as well...both of them were with me until they turned 18. I could have been more successful professionally, but I believe having been these guys' mother made me a better person than I would have been.


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## BlunderWoman (Mar 14, 2016)

I was married at 19. I chose not to give birth to that man's spawn, I never got pregnant.  A decision I've always been happy about. When I did have my first child I was 26 years old. I feel that each and every child I had was a gift. I've been foolish and stupid many times in my life and might regret my own choices and behaviors, but have never regretted my children or when they arrived. Many times I regret my own mistakes I've made with them & thought a child deserved a better mother than I was , but I don't regret anything about them. As it turns out they are the main joy in my life now that I'm older.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Mar 14, 2016)

Yes, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I can't imagine life without them.


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## Ralphy1 (Mar 15, 2016)

Absolutely...


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## oohjarwatsit (Mar 15, 2016)

fureverywhere said:


> Really, if you knew then what you know now, would you have done the same thing? Looking at jujubes lovely picture...I mean I so remember receiving each newborn bundle and that magic that comes with it. I mean if our finances and health allowed for it I probably would have considered doing foster care in my later years, maybe even adopting.
> But I had my kids too early and far too many of them without considering the future houseful of teenagers. If I could do it again it would have been getting settled in a career, then one and done. Until I got older and wiser and was ready to be a foster parent. Then again maybe I would have passed on human kids and had a houseful of cats and dogs...:love_heart:



Our children are WONDERFUL, I don't regret having them. If I had to do it again, I wouldn't have had the number of animals we had though, especially dogs and cats I was the one who had to look after them!


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## Mrs. Robinson (Mar 15, 2016)

Of course I would! How else would I have been able to get all these cool grandkids?


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## Don M. (Mar 15, 2016)

I wouldn't change a thing.  We have a couple of great daughters, who have given us great grandkids, and now the 4th generation of little ones is joining the family.  We all get along great, and keep any criticisms to ourselves, and offer advice ONLY when asked.  There are certainly some challenges to raising kids, but helping guide them into a sensible and responsible life is a real reward when they show the ability to make their own way through life.


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## oohjarwatsit (Mar 16, 2016)

One thing about grandchildren is that you can hand them back to their parents when you have had enough of them, thank goodness!


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## ronaldj (Mar 16, 2016)

I do have...they are called "Grand"....


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## Sassycakes (Sep 24, 2017)

I have 2 children and they were the best part of my life until they became parents.  Then I got 3 precious  Grandchildren that I love with all my heart. I would do it again in a heartbeat.


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## RadishRose (Sep 24, 2017)

Yes!


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## Sunny (Sep 24, 2017)

Absolutely! My children are the best thing that ever happened to me. And I'm glad I had them when my husband and I were both in our 20's, and had the energy it takes.


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## Trade (Sep 24, 2017)

Absolutely. I feel I would have a duty and obligation to the human race to pass on my awesomeness to the future gene pool via my DNA. 

I would however pick a different woman for their mother.


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## Katybug (Sep 24, 2017)

Yes, and I would have more than 2.  My one and only granddaughter is not enough!


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## SilverSonnet (Sep 24, 2017)

I had my kids young--I was 19 when the first one was born, and within five years, I had four of them.  I guess their father was "the wrong man" since he was awful to me even after we divorced, but I wouldn't do anything different at all.  Although my kids were raised by a divorced mom in horrible poverty while I struggled to get a degree so I could support us all, they are all intelligent, caring, hard working  people.  I can't imagine life without them or having them be the different people they'd be if they'd had a different dad.

One of my sisters and her husband have no kids, and now that she's nearing 60, she regrets that decision very much.  My son, who also has no kids, worries about when he gets older who will take care of him, who will be there to celebrate holidays with him, etc.

So to answer the question, I wouldn't have done a single thing differently


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## Manatee (Sep 24, 2017)

My sister has a great-grand daughter who is just enchanting, lots of fun.


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## Giantsfan1954 (Sep 24, 2017)

In a heartbeat!They are my greatest accomplishment and bring me the most joy and pride...
My grandson and my 2 grandaughter light up my life,I have an incredible relationship with them and it's fun at 63 to still be able to run around with them.


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## Cffortin (Oct 6, 2017)

No I don't think so.


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## Sunflower (Oct 10, 2017)

I'm following this thread with much interest. Don't have any kids myself but see that a lot you have said yes you would do it again


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## hollydolly (Oct 10, 2017)

I wouldn't have any in this world as it is today.. , but if it was back in the 70's when I had mine, ...yes I would have children again... and this time I would have more than one... !!


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## CeeCee (Oct 10, 2017)

hollydolly said:


> I wouldn't have any in this world as it is today.. , but if it was back in the 70's when I had mine, ...yes I would have children again... and this time I would have more than one... !!



I wouldn't have children in today's world either.  But since I did have two kids in the 70's, I now have 5 grandsons in today's world.

It worries me at times.


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## GypsyRoadLady (Oct 10, 2017)

Later in life and with far more knowledge and experience to guide with.


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 14, 2020)

Not today, not the direction the world is going.


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## Macfan (Oct 14, 2020)

Oh Hell NO! I know that may not be the preferred response and may sound cruel, but hey, just answering the question as it was asked and trying to be honest. Don...


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## Pepper (Oct 14, 2020)

Macfan said:


> Oh Hell NO! I know that may not be the preferred response and may sound cruel, but hey, just answering the question as it was asked and trying to be honest. Don...


Why do you say this?


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## katlupe (Oct 15, 2020)

No, I don't think I would.


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## StarSong (Oct 15, 2020)

Absolutely yes, but I would hope to be a better, more patient mother if I had the chance to repeat the experience.


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 15, 2020)

StarSong said:


> Absolutely yes, but I would hope to be a better, more patient mother if I had the chance to repeat the experience.


Of all the moms on the board, I would have thought that you would have been one of the most patient and awesome moms that any kid could have dreamed of having, Star.


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## Pepper (Oct 15, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> Of all the moms on the board, I would have thought that you would have been one of the most patient and awesome moms that any kid could have dreamed of having, Star.


That honor goes to me.  Just kidding.  Only a little.  Best job I ever had!


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## Gary O' (Oct 15, 2020)

*Would You Have Kids Again?
Again?!!!!*


Didn't want 'em the first time, why would I want more?

Actually, they helped *me* grow up
So, the first set was OK, I guess
But more? (shudder)

I do know what the OP means, and I'd do it again (50 years ago)
Now?
If I was young?
No way
Too much crap goin' on in this world of ours


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 15, 2020)

Pepper said:


> That honor goes to me.  Just kidding.  Only a little.  Best job I ever had!


It warms my heart when I come across parents who pour their heart-and-soul into raising their children.

You strike me as being one of them, Pepper.


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## Pepper (Oct 15, 2020)

I am @Aunt Marg.  I grandmother the same way I mothered.  Can't stop the love, it takes over.


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## StarSong (Oct 15, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> Of all the moms on the board, I would have thought that you would have been one of the most patient and awesome moms that any kid could have dreamed of having, Star.


What a sweet thing to say, and I thank you for it.  No, I wasn't as patient as I wish I were.  However, DH & I were plenty of fun and stood up for our kids in ways that their friends considered epic and they and their friends still talk about. 

I'm a better grandmother than I was a mother. The longer view offers a far clearer perspective.

p.s. I'm a trouble-making grandma and proud of it!


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## StarSong (Oct 15, 2020)

Double post


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 15, 2020)

StarSong said:


> What a sweet thing to say, and I thank you for it.  No, I wasn't as patient as I wish I were.  However, DH & I were plenty of fun and stood up for our kids in ways that their friends considered epic and they and their friends still talk about.
> 
> I'm a better grandmother than I was a mother. The longer view offers a far clearer perspective.


My own mother (for one) was a WAY better grandmother than a mom.

I see it as a sort of genetic fired quality in most women.

Only ever met a few miserable grandmothers in my day, and they truly were sour. Some people must really hate life and themselves.


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## Warrigal (Oct 15, 2020)

Sunny said:


> Absolutely! My children are the best thing that ever happened to me. And I'm glad I had them when my husband and I were both in our 20's, and had the energy it takes.


My sentiments exactly. Also before you can be a grandmother you first have to be a mother. I have been blessed with two children, six grandchildren and now the first great grandchild has arrived. I am in love with all of them.

I know that some women become parents by marrying a man with children and if that is how my life panned out I hope that I would have no regrets about that choice either.


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## fuzzybuddy (Oct 15, 2020)

If I can kind of hijack furyeverywhere's thread. Part 1. Would you have kids again? Part Two. Would you want those kids to be  more like you. or more individualistic?


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 15, 2020)

fuzzybuddy said:


> If I can kind of hijack furyeverywhere's thread. Part 1. Would you have kids again? Part Two. Would you want those kids to be  more like you. or more individualistic?


It's funny, because both my daughters are splitting images of me, and they act and do exactly like me as well, whereas my boys (4 of them) are exactly like their dad. LOL!

I love individuality, because it keeps things interesting and outside of the same old - same old context.

As a mom I enjoyed watching all 6 of my children grow into something different from the other, the subtleties and nuances, the imaginations, their demeanours as far as handling situations, and so on. Always made for interesting times.


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## Bakara (Oct 15, 2020)

if it meant we all go back in age to experience all the good times and bad over again, with the chance to fix mistakes, then yes I would.

Not that I completely f’d it up the first time, my kids are turning out great. In fact having a do-over might mean taking on that risk that something goes horribly wrong that didn’t happen the first go round. But as I approach becoming an empty nester, I sometimes want to freeze my kids and keep them forever.

When a 40-50 year old guy plays Legos and Minecraft without a 10 year old kid to pretend he’s doing it for, well that’s just weird right? ;-).


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 15, 2020)

Bakara said:


> if it meant we all go back in age to experience all the good times and bad over again, with the chance to fix mistakes, then yes I would.
> 
> Not that I completely f’d it up the first time, my kids are turning out great. In fact having a do-over might mean taking on that risk that something goes horribly wrong that didn’t happen the first go round. But as I approach becoming an empty nester, I sometimes want to freeze my kids and keep them forever.
> 
> When a 40-50 year old guy plays Legos and Minecraft without a 10 year old kid to pretend he’s doing it for, well that’s just weird right? ;-).


My husband loves to put together meg-blocks military stuff and The wooden Ugears ones.  Occasionally a LEGO set like the pirate ship.  My nephew put together the super large VW.  And my husband is  a bit weird.  Just saying.


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## Macfan (Oct 15, 2020)

Pepper said:


> Why do you say this?


Thanks for asking Pepper. The original question included, "if you knew then what you know now," I based my response on that criteria. Knowing ahead of time all the pitfalls, potholes and negatives associated, I would have opted for an alternative path. I'm confident the wife probably would have wanted to do the same as what we did, so my vote probably wouldn't have counted anyway (sigh). Don...


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## CarolfromTX (Oct 15, 2020)

Absolutely! My daughter and my grandkids are a blessing!


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## Pepper (Oct 15, 2020)

Macfan said:


> Knowing ahead of time all the pitfalls, potholes and negatives associated, I would have opted for an alternative path. I'm confident the wife probably would have wanted to do the same as what we did, so my vote probably wouldn't have counted anyway (sigh). Don...


Pitfalls, potholes and negatives...........are you talking about Life?  That's what it consists of, as well as laughter, joy, adventure.  Thank goodness for your wife!


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## peramangkelder (Oct 15, 2020)




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## Macfan (Oct 15, 2020)

Pepper said:


> Pitfalls, potholes and negatives...........are you talking about Life?  That's what it consists of, as well as laughter, joy, adventure.  Thank goodness for your wife!


Yeah, life, that's what I meant. One choreographed by me instead of the one laid out for me. I know you don't agree with me and honestly, I didn't expect you to. As I said, going back not knowing what I know now, I would have happily done everything exactly the same. The difference was the question included 'going back knowing what you know now.' In my opinion, that made the difference in how I replied and I'm sticking to it   . Don...


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## Pepper (Oct 15, 2020)

Actually, if I knew then what I know now I would want MORE kids!


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 15, 2020)

Yes, but I would start adopting earlier, when I was younger, and have more DS children.  They are truly the most loving, forgiving, accepting human beings on earth.  Like everyone they have their flaws, but lack of love, forgiveness, and acceptance is not in their make up.

If you doubt the human race was created in HIS image, you only have to know someone with DS to realize this is probably how we were meant to be emotionally-loving, forgiving, accepting.  Every child is a blessing.

Except the ones with colic,  babies with colic are a curse.  My daughter had colic.


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## Marie5656 (Oct 15, 2020)

*I am one of the few who, despite enjoying children, I never felt I was parent material.  And, no, I do not think time has changed my mind.  Rick remained friendly with the wife of his former step son (from second marriage), Her kids called him Grandpa Rick, and started calling me Grandma Marie. So I do have that.*


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## ELjane (Oct 15, 2020)

Yes, I would.  I just regret choosing the man I married who was their self-involved father.  My son needed a real man, like fureverywhere--also my very macho grandson who would have eagerly done all his activities.  My grandson wanted to learn karate, parents wouldn't take the time to sign him up for it or take him.  When I took care of him, when he was around 7-8, I hung a cloth bag containing a basketball sized ball from the living room archway & he slugged away at that ball one day for over an hour.  Those boys missed out on a lot of things they could have learned from a loving man's man father.


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## officerripley (Oct 15, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Yes, but I would start adopting earlier, when I was younger, and have more DS children.  They are truly the most loving, forgiving, accepting human beings on earth.  Like everyone they have their flaws, but lack of love, forgiveness, and acceptance is not in their make up.
> 
> If you doubt the human race was created in HIS image, you only have to know someone with DS to realize this is probably how we were meant to be emotionally-loving, forgiving, accepting.  Every child is a blessing.
> 
> Except the ones with colic,  babies with colic are a curse.  My daughter had colic.


What are DS children?


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 15, 2020)

ELjane said:


> Yes, I would.  I just regret choosing the man I married who was their self-involved father.  My son needed a real man, like fureverywhere--also my very macho grandson who would have eagerly done all his activities.  My grandson wanted to learn karate, parents wouldn't take the time to sign him up for it or take him.  When I took care of him, when he was around 7-8, I hung a cloth bag containing a basketball sized ball from the living room archway & he slugged away at that ball one day for over an hour.  Those boys missed out on a lot of things they could have learned from a loving man's man father.


My husband while a less than great husband was a great father while the children were at home.  He/we took them fishing and all that requires.  He/we repaired our money pit of a house constantly.  Both my bio son and daughter know how to repair houses, plumbing, roof, and build shed, etc.

Son learned how to repair cars from a neighbor.  In my experience, children don’t need mom and dad to teach them stuff, if they want to learn it, they will find someone to teach them.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 15, 2020)

officerripley said:


> What are DS children?


Children with Downs Syndrome


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## ELjane (Oct 15, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> My husband while a less than great husband was a great father while the children were at home.  He/we took them fishing and all that requires.  He/we repaired our money pit of a house constantly.  Both my bio son and daughter know how to repair houses, plumbing, roof, and build shed, etc.
> 
> Son learned how to repair cars from a neighbor.  In my experience, children don’t need mom and dad to teach them stuff, if they want to learn it, they will find someone to teach them.


Oh if only my son and grandson had had someone that would teach them.  My son was in the Air Force for 11 years.  Worked on Jets.  My grandson is manager of some restaurant now--he's quite intelligent.  My son has physical problems that have kept him from getting hired for any job,  Bad Essential tremor shaking & neuropathy in hands, & occasionally has shaking throughout his body,  Bad knee/walking problems.  Neuropathy in feet.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 15, 2020)

ELjane said:


> Oh if only my son and grandson had had someone that would teach them.  My son was in the Air Force for 11 years.  Worked on Jets.  My grandson is manager of some restaurant now--he's quite intelligent.  My son has physical problems that have kept him from getting hired for any job,  Bad Essential tremor shaking & neuropathy in hands, & occasionally has shaking throughout his body,  Bad knee/walking problems.  Neuropathy in feet.


If I understand correctly, after being in the Air Force you son became disabled?  But if your grandson manages a restaurant, that is a good job and requires a variety of skills.  My SIL used to manage a Carl’s Jr.  He now is an insurance broker.

I am curious.  What is it that you think you son and grandson needed to learn in their childhood, from a male, that they didn’t?  Working on jets sounds good to me as does managing a restaurant.  Some of the skills my son learned in childhood are handy, others not so much.


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## Della (Oct 15, 2020)

I would have my son again plus one more and not make any mistakes this time!


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## ELjane (Oct 15, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> If I understand correctly, after being in the Air Force you son became disabled?  But if your grandson manages a restaurant, that is a good job and requires a variety of skills.  My SIL used to manage a Carl’s Jr.  He now is an insurance broker.
> 
> I am curious.  What is it that you think you son and grandson needed to learn in their childhood, from a male, that they didn’t?  Working on jets sounds good to me as does managing a restaurant.  Some of the skills my son learned in childhood are handy, others not so much.


Working crunched up on his knees in tight spaces in the jets may have eventually caused my son's hands and feet neuropathy.  It does not run in the family.  His Essential tremor shaking is inherited from me,  His came on a little over the years--slowly, after the Air Force.  Neither boys (nor girls) need a man to teach them certain skills.  A good man can show them by words and actions a man's perspective on the many differences between men and women.


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## Ellen Marie (Oct 15, 2020)

I had two... I would have enjoyed 1 or 2 more.


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## Davey Do (Oct 16, 2020)

I had a vasectomy the Summer before I got married the first time in 1986 at the age of 29.

I never wanted to have children.


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## Lewkat (Oct 16, 2020)

Absolutely.


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## charry (Oct 16, 2020)

yes I would have children again.....but making sure I was with the right guy this time ..!!


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## charry (Oct 16, 2020)

Ameriscot said:


> Yes, but I would have had them with a different man and been at least 10 years older before I had them.  And for the bonus:  grandkids!!!





Same here Ameriscot,  I did meet the guy 12yrs older , after having 2sons with my ex.....which is another story, but sadly I couldn’t have children with him, as I had a sterilisation aged 27......we would of had beautiful children ...!,


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## charry (Oct 16, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> My own mother (for one) was a WAY better grandmother than a mom.
> 
> I see it as a sort of genetic fired quality in most women.
> 
> Only ever met a few miserable grandmothers in my day, and they truly were sour. Some people must really hate life and themselves.




My mother had no maternal instincts.....I don’t think either of my sisters had any either.
I just went with the flow really .....married at 18 , 2 sons by 21......
Don’t get to see my grandkids or step grandkids much....but now seeing my great grand children..
Newest edition ...darcie....aged 5months....


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 16, 2020)

charry said:


> My mother had no maternal instincts.....I don’t think either of my sisters had any either.
> I just went with the flow really .....married at 18 , 2 sons by 21......
> Don’t get to see my grandkids or step grandkids much....but now seeing my great grand children..
> Newest edition ...darcie....aged 5months....
> View attachment 128544


Oh my word... cute as a button, Charry! 

Can't help but notice the mitts on her, is she a scratcher?


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 16, 2020)

charry said:


> My mother had no maternal instincts.....I don’t think either of my sisters had any either.
> I just went with the flow really .....married at 18 , 2 sons by 21......
> Don’t get to see my grandkids or step grandkids much....but now seeing my great grand children..
> Newest edition ...darcie....aged 5months....
> View attachment 128544


Regarding motherly instincts, I definitely was born with them, and then having baby siblings growing up, I'm certain that helped bring out my motherly instincts even more. My sisters are the same.


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## charry (Oct 16, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> Oh my word... cute as a button, Charry!
> 
> Can't help but notice the mitts on her, is she a scratcher?




Yep, bless her,......


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## charry (Oct 16, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> Regarding motherly instincts, I definitely was born with them, and then having baby siblings growing up, I'm certain that helped bring out my motherly instincts even more. My sisters are the same.




I was the youngest of 5, so I was spoilt......I’m a carer, and worrier, I’ve looked after elderly people for 40yrs, and now,im my   Hubbys full time shadow carer.....
I think everyone’s life is mapped out for them !,


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 16, 2020)

charry said:


> I was the youngest of 5, so I was spoilt......I’m a carer, and worrier, I’ve looked after elderly people for 40yrs, and now,im my   Hubbys full time shadow carer.....
> I think everyone’s life is mapped out for them !,


Sometimes I wonder how life would have been had I been the baby in the family, not that I didn't enjoy being the big sister and all. 

I think the same, Charry. 

Glad to know you were soiled!  I know my baby sibs sure were.


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## charry (Oct 16, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> Sometimes I wonder how life would have been had I been the baby in the family, not that I didn't enjoy being the big sister and all.
> 
> I think the same, Charry.
> 
> Glad to know you were soiled!  I know my baby sibs sure were.





I was Only spoilt by mum , 
Dad was more attached to next sister, who mum didn’t have time for, 
And my brothers , called me a brat ! 
Always been jealousy in our family and still is...i have nothing to do with any of them now, havnt for years ......


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## Pinky (Oct 16, 2020)

charry said:


> I was Only spoilt by mum ,
> Dad was more attached to next sister, who mum didn’t have time for,
> And my brothers , called me a brat !
> Always been jealousy in our family and still is...i have nothing to do with any of them now, havnt for years ......


My half-sisters harbored childhood grudges into our adulthood for so long that I had to distance myself from them for several years. We are good now, but it was a very unpleasant experience to go through.


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 16, 2020)

charry said:


> I was Only spoilt by mum ,
> Dad was more attached to next sister, who mum didn’t have time for,
> And my brothers , called me a brat !
> Always been jealousy in our family and still is...i have nothing to do with any of them now, havnt for years ......


Boy, can I ever relate. 

As much as I loved having baby siblings around, I, too, remember thinking of them (at times) as brats, but I wouldn't change a thing. Would happily relive those days again if I could.

Very sorry to hear of the tension in your family, Charry.


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 16, 2020)

Pinky said:


> My half-sisters harbored childhood grudges into our adulthood for so long that I had to distance myself from them for several years. We are good now, but it was a very unpleasant experience to go through.


I know many-a family who have nothing to do with one another. I believe it's more common than many of us think.


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## StarSong (Oct 16, 2020)

I know many, many more families with at least one member who is estranged (or nearly so) than families who are truly intact and close.  The bigger the family, the more likely the estrangements.


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 16, 2020)

StarSong said:


> I know many, many more families with at least one member who is estranged (or nearly so) than families who are truly intact and close.  The bigger the family, the more likely the estrangements.


One of the biggest tipping points I find is the settling of inheritances.

One truly learns of the strengths and weaknesses of their own family unit at such times.


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## StarSong (Oct 16, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> One of the biggest tipping points I find is the settling of inheritances.
> 
> One truly learns of the strengths and weaknesses of their own family unit at such times.


Having settled a couple of inheritances and observed some others up close and personal, the estrangements I've seen were a long time in coming. 
The estate settlement is merely the final straw. 

When parents die their children are released from holiday command performances. Whether they remain close or even on speaking terms is no longer obligatory to keep the parents happy. Not all families have healthy dynamics. Intentional estrangements can provide release from extremely dysfunctional relationships. 

A very wise, compassionate, empathetic and dear, dear SF friend has commented on this very thing over the years.  Two of her comments resonated strongly with me.  I changed her wording slightly, typed them up and keep the paper on a bulletin board over my desk:

"Sometimes there are no happy choices, only ones that are not toxic." 

"Life's biggest challenges can be knowing when to keep trying, and when to let go."


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 16, 2020)

StarSong said:


> Having settled a couple of inheritances and observed some others up close and personal, the estrangements I've seen were a long time in coming.
> The estate settlement is merely the final straw.
> 
> When parents die their children are released from holiday command performances. Whether they remain close or even on speaking terms is no longer obligatory to keep the parents happy. Not all families have healthy dynamics. Intentional estrangements can provide release from extremely dysfunctional relationships.
> ...


As always, said so well, Star.

I really like those quotes, too. So much truth in them.


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## Phoenix (Oct 16, 2020)

Macfan said:


> Oh Hell NO! I know that may not be the preferred response and may sound cruel, but hey, just answering the question as it was asked and trying to be honest. Don...


My husband feels the same way about his.  I never had any on purpose.  In the late 60s and early 70s when I was making my decisions, we already knew about overpopulation and where it was going.  There were riots in the streets.  I wondered why people would want to bring anyone into that.  I still wonder.


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## charry (Oct 16, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> One of the biggest tipping points I find is the settling of inheritances.
> 
> One truly learns of the strengths and weaknesses of their own family unit at such times.




There’s no money involved in our family marg, just jealousy and control


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## charry (Oct 16, 2020)

Pinky said:


> My half-sisters harbored childhood grudges into our adulthood for so long that I had to distance myself from them for several years. We are good now, but it was a very unpleasant experience to go through.




I can understand pinky , my eldest sister is a half sister,but always blamed me apparently ....


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## Phoenix (Oct 16, 2020)

Jealousy is awful.  Even if there is no money to split up, there are personal items.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 16, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> Jealousy is awful.  Even if there is no money to split up, there are personal items.


You give the personal items away before you die.  The picture of my dad in uniform and some other pictures went to my nephew, my brothers son as the last remaining male with the family name.  He had two daughters.  And so it went.  Giving away the few things that were important to me to the few people that had a little interest.

All gone now so no fighting. The rest is just crap that can be thrown away.  There is no money, will be no money.  The house they can sell or let the bank take it.  One of the values of being poor, we cherish each other not things.


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## Phoenix (Oct 16, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> You give the personal items away before you die.  The picture of my dad in uniform and some other pictures went to my nephew, my brothers son as the last remaining male with the family name.  He had two daughters.  And so it went.  Giving away the few things that were important to me to the few people that had a little interest.
> 
> All gone now so no fighting. The rest is just crap that can be thrown away.  There is no money, will be no money.  The house they can sell or let the bank take it.  One of the values of being poor, we cherish each other not things.


That won't work for me.  I have all my mom's and dad's stuff.  My sister should have had it because she had kids and grand kids.  But she passed before Mom.  My nieces and nephews are difficult to nail down even though they are in their mid to upper 50s.  My brother was in jail when Mom died.  He is also dead now.  I have no way to contact his kids.  What connection I have with remaining family is tenuous.  I take better care of myself than my nieces and nephews do.  I'm likely to outlive them.  I'm working on having my sister's oldest grand kid take the stuff - all the pictures and such.  She's 39.  She's the most responsible, but her life is in chaos.  So, I sit on it and hope for the best.

What funds there are will go to the ASPCA.  My husband's kids have been so awful to him, they will only get what the law mandates to keep them from suing the estate.  Of course, I think I will outlive them too.  They are heavy into opioids.


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## ELjane (Oct 17, 2020)

Talk about being put through "misery" from a one year older sibling, once our domineering mother had died...bam! she changed from a kind daughter driving many miles to visit our mother and stepfather occasionally on weekends to a daughter coming to our stepfather to help him on weekends with whatever (for her gain)--his emphysema was worsening.  .............. I think I better shut up about that whole UGLY LONG STORY of all that went on before he died and after.


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## ELjane (Oct 19, 2020)

Before my mother died: all my sister and her sons had done for our mother and stepfather was, at times, to visit them on weekends.  Two of her sons once took my stepfather to his favorite bar. I think this was after my mothers death, & they refused--having too much fun I guess.   smowing of hers and stepfather's gigantic hilly lawn with gas powered push lawn lower, apple picking alone while they went on a short vacation not having any way to reach high branches, corn stalks trimmed, gathering, searching for pieces of debris from their huge weed grown back lawn after a tornado; helping mother pick berries from her huge garden, helping my stepfather cut branches from a dying tree,


Aneeda72 said:


> If I understand correctly, after being in the Air Force you son became disabled?  But if your grandson manages a restaurant, that is a good job and requires a variety of skills.  My SIL used to manage a Carl’s Jr.  He now is an insurance broker.
> 
> I am curious.  What is it that you think you son and grandson needed to learn in their childhood, from a male, that they didn’t?  Working on jets sounds good to me as does managing a restaurant.  Some of the skills my son learned in childhood are handy, others not so much.


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## ELjane (Oct 19, 2020)

My son worked scrunched up on his knees for hours as he worked in small spaces in the jets.  That is the only reason that seems plausible for his hand and feet neuropathy and his knee pain.  The only male influence my son had growing up was from a couple of 'big brothers'.  One would bring his wife along when they got together.  The get together was supposed to be JUST guys getting together.  When I saw that the second 'big brother' had given my son Playboy magazines I got a bad feeling about him and he had to go.  My grandson's father?  Well my grandson loved to fish, so his father took him fishing.  Well his idea of fishing with his son was to sit in his car while his son fished alone--helped alittle by a man nearby.  His father took him to a movie--his  father did not want to watch the same movie his son wanted to see so he left his son watching alone his movie while daddy watched a movie in a different theater.  There were many times I had to come up with not 'important' reasons why his father "couldn't" keep a promise to do things with his son that was very important to his son.  I had to tell my grandson the reason, then try to comfort him as he cried his eyes out.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 19, 2020)

ELjane said:


> My son worked scrunched up on his knees for hours as he worked in small spaces in the jets.  That is the only reason that seems plausible for his hand and feet neuropathy and his knee pain.  The only male influence my son had growing up was from a couple of 'big brothers'.  One would bring his wife along when they got together.  The get together was supposed to be JUST guys getting together.  When I saw that the second 'big brother' had given my son Playboy magazines I got a bad feeling about him and he had to go.  My grandson's father?  Well my grandson loved to fish, so his father took him fishing.  Well his idea of fishing with his son was to sit in his car while his son fished alone--helped alittle by a man nearby.  His father took him to a movie--his  father did not want to watch the same movie his son wanted to see so he left his son watching alone his movie while daddy watched a movie in a different theater.  There were many times I had to come up with not 'important' reasons why his father "couldn't" keep a promise to do things with his son that was very important to his son.  I had to tell my grandson the reason, then try to comfort him as he cried his eyes out.


How old was your son when he was given Playboy magazines?  My father got National Geographic and my brother and I looked at the pictures of the naked natives when he was not around.  Didn’t hurt us.  I let my son and daughter see the pictures in playboy before the magazine became too, hmm, less art and more porno.

I also learned a lot from the articles in Playboy.  It was a good magazine until the later more sexualized years.  IMO.


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## ELjane (Oct 19, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> How old was your son when he was given Playboy magazines?  My father got National Geographic and my brother and I looked at the pictures of the naked natives when he was not around.  Didn’t hurt us.  I let my son and daughter see the pictures in playboy before the magazine became too, hmm, less art and more porno.
> 
> I also learned a lot from the articles in Playboy.  It was a good magazine until the later more sexualized years.  IMO.


My son was around 9 when he was given Playboy (slightly hidden under my son's mattress.)  As a young girl, I remember being shocked by the photos in Geographic of bare breasted women, but more then that it was the look of some women's breasts.  (What's wrong with their breasts, so flat and hanging?!) lol  Well, now from personal experience, I know.  I still do not appreciate that that 'big brother' gave my son those playboy magazines.  Something a little "off" about it/him, imo.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 19, 2020)

ELjane said:


> My son was around 9 when he was given Playboy (slightly hidden under my son's mattress.)  As a young girl, I remember being shocked by the photos in Geographic of bare breasted women, but more then that it was the look of some women's breasts.  (What's wrong with their breasts, so flat and hanging?!) lol  Well, now from personal experience, I know.  I still do not appreciate that that 'big brother' gave my son those playboy magazines.  Something a little "off" about it/him, imo.


Yeah, maybe, as that is a parents decision.  But, really, at nine you were shocked by the bare breasted woman?  That surprises me, I was probably that age or younger and not shocked.  But then I had to share a bed with grandma and while I never saw her naked, well, you get it.


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## ELjane (Oct 19, 2020)

lol  As a child do you remember if the thought ever come to you, 'When I'm as old as she is I'm not gonna be fat like her but be skinny'?


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## Linda (Oct 20, 2020)

Yes but 8 or 10 years later.


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## Pinky (Oct 20, 2020)

If I could have the same daughter, yes, I would have kids again - even now, with the world going to Hell in a hand-basket.


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## Tish (Oct 20, 2020)

FazeFour said:


> Yes, but I'd want the exact same ones.


Yep absolutely.


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## Autumn (Oct 20, 2020)

I never had kids...my first husband became very ill a year after we married and I nursed him for 11 years.  Then, by the time I married Jesse, I was too old to consider having a child.  My pet peeve is people who tell me how sorry they feel for me...as though being childless is some kind of dreadful condition that  dooms me to be unfulfilled.


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## Phoenix (Oct 20, 2020)

Autumn said:


> I never had kids...my first husband became very ill a year after we married and I nursed him for 11 years.  Then, by the time I married Jesse, I was too old to consider having a child.  My pet peeve is people who tell me how sorry they feel for me...as though being childless is some kind of dreadful condition that  dooms me to be unfulfilled.


When I tell people I purposely never had kids and I'm still glad, some of them think there is something wrong with me...all the while their kids treat them badly.


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## Pepper (Oct 20, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> When I tell people I purposely never had kids and I'm still glad, some of them think there is something wrong with me...all the while their kids treat them badly.


People's life choices (as long as they are legal!) should be respected.  Different strokes for different folks.


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## officerripley (Oct 20, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> When I tell people I purposely never had kids and I'm still glad, some of them think there is something wrong with me...all the while their kids treat them badly.


Same here, although with me, it's not just some people I tell, it's everybody I've ever told has reacted that way. I've even had people frown at me and turn their backs on me. Seriously. And I swear, the next time I tell somebody I chose not to have the kids and she (it's always women, men never even ask if I had kids, they don't seem to care) says "Oh, so you hate kids, huh?", I'm going to say, "No, not all kids, just yours probably." Aw, not really, I sure feel like it sometimes, though. Maybe instead I'll say how I'm of the firm opinion that not everybody is cut out to have kids; neither of my parents & none of my step-parents were; and neither was I.


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## Phoenix (Oct 20, 2020)

officerripley said:


> Same here, although with me, it's not just some people I tell, it's everybody I've ever told has reacted that way. I've even had people frown at me and turn their backs on me. Seriously. And I swear, the next time I tell somebody I chose not to have the kids and she (it's always women, men never even ask if I had kids, they don't seem to care) says "Oh, so you hate kids, huh?", I'm going to say, "No, not all kids, just yours probably." Aw, not really, I sure feel like it sometimes, though. Maybe instead I'll say how I'm of the firm opinion that not everybody is cut out to have kids; neither of my parents & none of my step-parents were; and neither was I.


You could send them to this web site about world population growth and say that at least you did not contribute to this, like they did.  https://www.theworldcounts.com/chal...-the-planet/world-population-clock-live/story


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## officerripley (Oct 20, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> You could send them to this web site about world population growth and say that at least you did not contribute to this, like they did.  https://www.theworldcounts.com/chal...-the-planet/world-population-clock-live/story


Great site, thanks, Phoenix. I have tried to talk to some of these people about population but around here, that usually gets you a sermon, sigh.


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## Phoenix (Oct 20, 2020)

officerripley said:


> Great site, thanks, Phoenix. I have tried to talk to some of these people about population but around here, that usually gets you a sermon, sigh.


It does here too.  The thing is we knew about over population since the late 60s early 70s because of the Zero Population growth people.  And now here we are eating outselves out of house and home and people are in denial about it.   This is a finite planet with finite resources.  We have no place else to go.


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## Youngatheart (Oct 20, 2020)

Raising kids together, the best part of our life.


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