# Living Apart Relationships for Seniors



## Packerjohn (Feb 19, 2021)

I have just come across this recently.  Guess I was "living in the bush."  There seems to be a new trend of 2 people living in their own homes but getting together for 3 or 4 days at a time either his home or her place.  It appears that this would work if both people have the money to support their own homes.  They might travel together or go to a concert but in the end both retreat to their own homes.  Seems to me that more and more people are finding things about their partners that bother them so they need  space to "chill out."  Apparently, women need "me" time & are tired of looking after someone?  What do you think about such a living arrangement.  Would you do it rather than a traditional relationship?


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## Pinky (Feb 19, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> I have just come across this recently.  Guess I was "living in the bush."  There seems to be a new trend of 2 people living in their own homes but getting together for 3 or 4 days at a time either his home or her place.  It appears that this would work if both people have the money to support their own homes.  They might travel together or go to a concert but in the end both retreat to their own homes.  Seems to me that more and more people are finding things about their partners that bother them so they need  space to "chill out."  Apparently, women need "me" time & are tired of looking after someone?  What do you think about such a living arrangement.  Would you do it rather than a traditional relationship?


I know of couples who choose to live apart, rather than together. Makes good sense to me!


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## Glowworm (Feb 19, 2021)

In Sweden we have two terms ”sambo” two people living together without being married and ”särbo” two people in a living apart relationship


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## Murrmurr (Feb 19, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> I have just come across this recently.  Guess I was "living in the bush."  There seems to be a new trend of 2 people living in their own homes but getting together for 3 or 4 days at a time either his home or her place.  It appears that this would work if both people have the money to support their own homes.  They might travel together or go to a concert but in the end both retreat to their own homes.  Seems to me that more and more people are finding things about their partners that bother them so they need  space to "chill out."  Apparently, women need "me" time & are tired of looking after someone?  What do you think about such a living arrangement.  Would you do it rather than a traditional relationship?


I'm doing it now. I prefer it over a "traditional relationship". Michelle would like it to be "traditional". She accepts it as it is, but I will have to be understanding if (when) she meets someone who also wants a traditional relationship (and meets other criteria). And I suppose the chances of that happening will increase once life gets back to "normal" or close to it.


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## Gaer (Feb 19, 2021)

I noticed this years ago when I worked for an interior design firm in California.  A wealthy couple would buy two homes and have them connected so they could have the option of seeing their spouse or not.  (two separate bedrooms, two kitchens, etc.)
Each relationship is different, and feelings change, so it's not my place to judge.


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## Murrmurr (Feb 19, 2021)

Gaer said:


> I noticed this years ago when I worked for an interior design firm in California.  A wealthy couple would buy two homes and have them connected so they could have the option of seeing their spouse or not.  (two separate bedrooms, two kitchens, etc.)
> Each relationship is different, and feelings change, so it's not my place to judge.


A cousin of mine and her husband bought a duplex about 15 years ago. He basically lives in the 2-br side, she in the 3-br side and it's on her side where company stays when they visit for a few days or whatever. But the thing is, he's a professional portrait artist, so his side is his studio; quiet, roomy, messy. They've never been happier.


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## Aunt Bea (Feb 19, 2021)

Sounds perfect to me!


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## MarciKS (Feb 19, 2021)

I'm not really interested in a half-a**ed relationship. If I wanted to just sleep with someone or go to a movie I could return to the dating pool. 

I do think that couples need to give each other a respectable amount of space so they can be free to enjoy life and the things they like that you may not. For example...I hate golfing. But if that's what the spouse wants to do for his hobby he should have that time. At one time we all had lives we enjoyed pre-spouse. I don't think we should have to give up everything for a relationship but living apart seems kind of pointless. It's like having cake without the frosting. What's the point? I think people are trying more and more to get away from the added pressures of commitment so that if they get tired of you then you're more easily disposable. That being the case I would rather just be alone. JMO


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## jujube (Feb 19, 2021)

That's the very successful relationship my mother had with her long-time boyfriend until his death.  She lived in the woods, on a creek, very peacefully.  He lived in a beautiful beach condo.  He loved to watch his financial and political programs most of the day and football whenever it was on.  She hated television and wouldn't have one in the house.

He came to her house late every afternoon and she cooked dinner.  He'd spend the night and she'd send him home in the morning with leftovers for his lunch.  He'd go back to the beach and watch TV all day  and she'd enjoy the peace and quiet.  

Weekends, they'd go somewhere or just do their own thang.  They'd go out to eat once or twice a week.  He gave her lots of money to buy groceries.

It worked very, very well for them for years.  They were very loving to each other but neither had any desire to get married or live together 24/7.


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## Murrmurr (Feb 19, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> I'm not really interested in a half-a**ed relationship. If I wanted to just sleep with someone or go to a movie I could return to the dating pool.
> 
> I do think that couples need to give each other a respectable amount of space so they can be free to enjoy life and the things they like that you may not. For example...I hate golfing. But if that's what the spouse wants to do for his hobby he should have that time. At one time we all had lives we enjoyed pre-spouse. I don't think we should have to give up everything for a relationship but living apart seems kind of pointless. It's like having cake without the frosting. What's the point? I think people are trying more and more to get away from the added pressures of commitment so that if they get tired of you then you're more easily disposable. That being the case I would rather just be alone. JMO


Maybe you'd feel differently after 20 years of marriage, though.
That said, if my ex-wife and I had been able to work things out I can't imagine us ever living separately.


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## Judycat (Feb 19, 2021)

My cousin and his first wife lived in separate apartments throughout their marriage. After her death he married again and they've so far lived separately though they are talking seriously about moving in together.


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## asp3 (Feb 19, 2021)

Besides this there are also a lot of other non-traditional types of relationships between consenting adults.  I've known a lot of people in the poly community who have simultaneous relationships with multiple people.  So for me this is just another relationship structure that works for some people.

I'm fairly sure that I'd want a majority of time living together if not full time besides unusual time off.  Thankfully unless there isn't something I don't know my wife intends for me to keep living with her so I've already got something I desire.


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## MarciKS (Feb 19, 2021)

Some of us want more from our relationships.


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## katlupe (Feb 26, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> I have just come across this recently.  Guess I was "living in the bush."  There seems to be a new trend of 2 people living in their own homes but getting together for 3 or 4 days at a time either his home or her place.  It appears that this would work if both people have the money to support their own homes.  They might travel together or go to a concert but in the end both retreat to their own homes.  Seems to me that more and more people are finding things about their partners that bother them so they need  space to "chill out."  Apparently, women need "me" time & are tired of looking after someone?  What do you think about such a living arrangement.  Would you do it rather than a traditional relationship?


I have this type of relationship now. I have been married 3 times and am never doing it again. My boyfriend, Sonny and I have been together, but do not live together, for 3 years now. He lives in the country with 3 small noisy dogs and a parrot. He has a television on all the time when he is home. He has a big family who all smoke and come to his house and smoke inside when they are there (even though he has lung and heart issues and is an ex-smoker). He is very social. 

I live downtown in a small city in a small studio apartment with my pet rabbit. Rabbit would not do well at Sonny's house. The smoke and noise and unorganized type of living would do him in. And me. I am an introvert and even when I am at his house, I look forward to coming home to my peaceful apartment. My disabled son lives down the street from me and I need to be near him.

I talk to Sonny on the phone for hours sometimes. I just put it on speaker and do my normal stuff. He comes here several times a week to take me shopping or whatever. Occasionally he stays over but he has his pets to care for and can't stay over a lot. They are older critters and he is a good pet dad.

I live in a subsidized apartment and can't have someone live with me unless they met the guidelines. I didn't want to be in a relationship at all when I left my husband, Sonny helped me leave there and get into this place. He knew I would not move into his home and is fine with it. But we have a very good relationship and can count on each other. He is happy and so am I. I think it depends on each couple, whether it is good or not. Living together is not easy for many couples.


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## Aneeda72 (Feb 26, 2021)

My son and his long term girlfriend have this relationship as well.  One night at her place, one night at his place until recently they rarely stay at his place now as she “hates” his stuff.  He is messy, she is very neat.  They have considered marriage and decided they did not want to although they act very “married”.

She took very good care of him during his open heart surgery, was at the hospital every day for hours, and did the aftercare for him at his home.  Once she learned how sick he was, she even said maybe they should marry in case he needed more care, and her better health insurance.  But he refused not wanting to “stick” her with what could have been a bad situation.

She cooks us dinner sometimes and brings it over, she always remembers my birthday and gets me my favorite candy, fixes my pillows when I am in the hospital etc.  she also “makes” our son do stuff we want done quicker .  I love her to death.

As for my husband and myself, I wish we could afford separate residents.  We would both be much happier with such an arrangement, especially me.  I think whatever works, works.


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## Packerjohn (Feb 26, 2021)

katlupe said:


> I have this type of relationship now. I have been married 3 times and am never doing it again. My boyfriend, Sonny and I have been together, but do not live together, for 3 years now. He lives in the country with 3 small noisy dogs and a parrot. He has a television on all the time when he is home. He has a big family who all smoke and come to his house and smoke inside when they are there (even though he has lung and heart issues and is an ex-smoker). He is very social.
> 
> I live downtown in a small city in a small studio apartment with my pet rabbit. Rabbit would not do well at Sonny's house. The smoke and noise and unorganized type of living would do him in. And me. I am an introvert and even when I am at his house, I look forward to coming home to my peaceful apartment. My disabled son lives down the street from me and I need to be near him.
> 
> ...


Very interesting article here, Katlupe.  I smiled when I read your post; especially the 1st paragraph.  I can relate to what you have written as I am a "bookworm" with books on the go.  I love my peace and quiet.  A TV on all day would drive me insane.  Too bad about the smoking.  Where I live smokers are 5th class citizen & they must smoke outside even in January when it is -30 C & the winds howl.  To my way of thinking, those relatives are not very nice.  Smoking in front of an ex-smoker is like drinking in front of an ex-alcoholic.  I realize that pets tend to "chain" you to your home but pet owners know this.  Yes, there are financial considerations when 2 people move in together.  I am a widower but when my wife was alive we were together 24/7 & we loved it.  We both were soul mates in almost everything.  There is a saying that "opposites attract" which I think is pure bull.  I suppose this is why I believe in long term dating because I don't smoke & I couldn't stand living with a smoker.  There is also the TV, the type of food you eat, your passion for exercise, the type of music you listen to.  So much to think about in order to make a home a happy home.  For you & Sonny it is very workable.  Putting both of you together 24/7 would lead to all sorts of conflict.  Sometimes, we just need our space.  Thanks for writing.


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## Rosemarie (Feb 26, 2021)

I think this type of set-up would work very well for most couples, especially after retirement. No matter how much you love someone, you don't want to be with them all the time.


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## Aneeda72 (Feb 27, 2021)

Rosemarie said:


> I think this type of set-up would work very well for most couples, especially after retirement. No matter how much you love someone, you don't want to be with them all the time.


AMEN to that!


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## aMused (Mar 1, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> I have just come across this recently.  Guess I was "living in the bush."  There seems to be a new trend of 2 people living in their own homes but getting together for 3 or 4 days at a time either his home or her place.  It appears that this would work if both people have the money to support their own homes.  They might travel together or go to a concert but in the end both retreat to their own homes.  Seems to me that more and more people are finding things about their partners that bother them so they need  space to "chill out."  Apparently, women need "me" time & are tired of looking after someone?  What do you think about such a living arrangement.  Would you do it rather than a traditional relationship?


At my age I can’t imagine living with another man. I’ve been widowed for a couple of years after being married for nearly 40 years. I easily adapted to marriage the first time around because we were both so young and hopelessly in love. 
But if I were to enjoy the company of a man again, I imagine we would both be happier living in our own space.


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## OneEyedDiva (Mar 2, 2021)

My sister is in this situation. She and her S.O. discussed marriage but never acted on it. He owns a fairly large home in another town. She, along with her son, owns a three story home. She lives on the first, my nephew lives on the second and our grand niece lives on the third floor. One of the issues is that she would lose her husband's pension and SS benefits if she remarried. I swear the government encourages people to live in sin.  Another factor is that since they were seniors when they got together, each is set in his/her ways. It's good to be able to just leave after a disagreement and go to your own place until you cool off.

As you said, they visit each other a few times a week. She may stay the weekend with him and he may spend a couple of days a week at her house. I am so in favor of this type of arrangement that I entered into a plural marriage as a co-wife when I was in my mid 40's. We are Musims and cohabitation (or "shacking" as we called it) is frowned upon. I had said I'd *never, repeat never *marry again. If it wasn't for the convenience of that type of marriage, I never would have. Being around someone every day, most hours of the day, just doesn't work for me even though I loved my husband very much. I actually got very anxious if he spent too many days in a row with me, except when we vacationed. We traveled quite well together.  There are many types of relationships now that are outside of what we in the west think of as "traditional" and "normal". One has but to remember that so called traditional marriages are estimated to have between a 40% to 50% chance of ending in divorce in this country.


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## mellowyellow (Mar 2, 2021)

When a parent meets and marries in old age, it can be a problem for the adult children when the new spouse is left the house and other property. A clever way around this is for the couple to maintain their own homes while continuing the relationship, then when the times comes, the children will inherit instead of that sexy little piece half his age.  I know a couple who are doing this right now.


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## Dana (Mar 2, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> I have just come across this recently.  Guess I was "living in the bush."  There seems to be a new trend of 2 people living in their own homes but getting together for 3 or 4 days at a time either his home or her place.  It appears that this would work if both people have the money to support their own homes.  They might travel together or go to a concert but in the end both retreat to their own homes.  Seems to me that more and more people are finding things about their partners that bother them so they need  space to "chill out."  Apparently, women need "me" time & are tired of looking after someone?  What do you think about such a living arrangement.  Would you do it rather than a traditional relationship?



_No way Packerjohn..no separate quarters for us. We love each others' company. Of course we do give each other space and that's easy to do in a huge house. Hubby has a study and I have one also. _


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## hollydolly (Mar 2, 2021)

We're lucky that we too both have our own spaces within our house.. hubs also works very long hours so we're apart a lot so it suits me very well..I'm too much of an independent person to have someone around all the time...it caused a problem at the beginning of our marriage because he felt opposite to me but he's very used to it now.. when he has time off we spend half of it together, either gardening or out and about..


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## katlupe (Mar 2, 2021)

One advantage I have found with this type of relationship is that when we are together, we are focused on each other. Chores or reading a book or watching a video is not taking away from our time together. We manage to have fun just going shopping or having a hair appointment (which is what we are doing tomorrow).  Yet we are both there for each other if either of us need help or comfort. The quarantine put a stop on many of our favorite activities last summer and fall, but we made up for them doing other things.

I realize it does not work for everyone. It does for me though.


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## Glowworm (Mar 2, 2021)

My GF and I have been living apart and are now in the process of moving to a living together relationship though she isn't a senior yet. I'll let you know in a couple of years how it goes.


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## Ronni (Mar 2, 2021)

I don’t think it’s fair to judge this kind of arrangement in a relationship as somehow lacking, or inferior to a more traditional arrangement. Just because it’s not typical doesn’t make it flawed.

One of my clients has this arrangement with her husband. They are both wealthy seniors, this is their second marriage, and he maintains his home and she hers. They live 15 minutes from each other and do all the things together that traditional couples do, but at the end of their days together they go to his house, her house, or each go their separate ways. This is a very comfortable and workable arrangement for them.

I love my husband deeply and he me, but if he wanted this kind of arrangement I would have no problem with it. I don’t believe thats any reflection on the quality of our relationship, I think it just speaks to who we are as individuals.

We each work so we’re away from each other during the weekdays, but together in the evenings after work. While we do a lot of stuff together on the weekends, we also do plenty solo, and have no problem with that. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we give each other space.

The ease with which we live together has a LOT to do with how similarly we keep house. We are both neat freaks, fastidious, don’t like clutter, want things clean. He will grab the vacuum, duster, toilet brush every bit as frequently as I do. I’ve lived with someone who didn’t care, and it was really hard.

I think similarity of housekeeping habits play a part in a harmonious relationship too, and may be a point in couples keeping separate residences.

EDIT TO ADD: I have zero problems with clutter and untidiness in someone else’s home. I don’t even really notice it honestly unless things are SO bad that I’m concerned something is going to come out of the toilet and bite my a** lol!! But I find it impossible to fully relax in my own space amidst clutter and mess. Which is why it’s so hard for me when I’m living with someone who is more relaxed in their housekeeping style.


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## SilentSoul (Mar 4, 2021)

_If a couple were married and living in a duplex (each their own side) as mentioned earlier, I could understand that. It might be nice to have their own corners to go to. That way if one wanted the television and one was not such a clean freak that might make things run smoother. It's the living with someone and not being married and the friends with benefits thing that bothers me personally. To me that is no different than living alone. I can do that all by myself. I think married couples need space. Time away from one another to be who they are. _


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## TabbyAnn (May 28, 2021)

I would enjoy a casual living-apart friendship that included enjoying good food, good conversation, good music, and mutual help in emergencies etc. while both having independent homes, finances and lives. I’m not sure this would be called a relationship so much as a friendship. But for many of us who have already experienced live-in relationships, including marriage, the return to the peace, quiet, simplicity and space of one’s own place is more attractive than the return to a live-in or marriage situation. You never live with just one other person. It always includes their baggage from their various other prior obligations and relationships.


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