# When you don’t get along with someone’s spouse



## applecruncher (Apr 3, 2015)

Another thread reminded me of something.

I used to have a long-time friend who liked to control phone calls – i.e., she called me but didn’t want me to call her at home because she said “I’m never home”. Even when she called from her cell she would leave me vm messages “Don’t call me, I’m never home. I’ll call you tomorrow.” I asked her once where she kept her clothes, and where she took a shower and slept. 

But I knew it was really about her weird, controlling husband. He and I didn’t like each other, and she was sneaking…calling me on the sly. She would “allow’ me to call her when he was out of town. For goodness sakes, I felt like we were having an illicit affair. It was creepy and bothered me.

They retired early and lived in another state. No children, a few friends, but her husband’s strange behavior had resulted in her being isolated from her mother (who eventually died) and siblings – they refused to tolerate it and stopped communicating with her. But she was in complete and total denial….gave the word a new meaning. (I talked about them in the "Cheapskate Stories" thread)

Well, about 4 years ago I got sick and tired of going along with the nonsense. It was silly, and an insult to my intelligence. She told me (via email) that I was just being (begins with “b” and rhymes with ‘itchy’.). The upshot is that a 40+ year friendship that began in college ended. I knew I could not win that battle and frankly I didn’t even want to. I was done. 

Ever had a relationship with a friend (or relative) that ended because of their spouse/partner?


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## oakapple (Apr 3, 2015)

Pity you didn't end it before, long before.It's very strange indeed.


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## applecruncher (Apr 3, 2015)

oakapple said:


> Pity you didn't end it before, long before.It's very strange indeed.



I did end it once for a couple years, then reconnected. We really liked and cared about each other, had a lot of fun, and shared special memories of our college years (which I think was yet another thing her DH resented). Then once I backed off for about 6 months …..again because of her husband’s behavior. But again we reconnected. However, the last kerfluffle was it – enough.  It was a relief not to have to deal with it.


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## SeaBreeze (Apr 3, 2015)

No I never had a problem with someone's partner or ended a friendship like that.  Many people put their spouse first, over friends or other family members.  They have to live with that person and probably love them very much, so I imagine this happens a lot in situations where a husband or wife is very controlling. 

 Did the husband just not care for you, or was he like that with anyone she became friendly with?  I remember an episode of Seinfeld where Elaine suddenly wanted to befriend George's girlfriend.  He was freaked out because they might talk about him, or Elaine might share some things that George did or said in their social group.  Was pretty funny on the TV.


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## applecruncher (Apr 3, 2015)

SeaBreeze, to answer your question her husband successfully isolated her from family members and also some friends (I mentioned that in my post). After becoming exasperated and trying to cater to him for many years, her siblings ended communication with her about 20 yrs ago.

I did not “coddle” him. His reaction was to be more difficult, cold, and rude. He even banged the phone in my ear once, but she said it must have been a misunderstanding. HA! 

Since she lived hundreds (and later thousands) of miles away, she knew the chances of me dropping by were zero. She engineered the sneaky calls.

Whenever her DH had problems with anyone (his boss, co-workers, his relatives, his mother) it was always THEIR fault. He was extremely controlling and manipulative, but she chose to put up with it and defend him and make excuses.

Strange thing was friend is/was not a weak person. I always knew her as someone who spoke up, stood her ground…….except where he was concerned. Love? Meh, I dunno. And it couldn't have been about money - she had quite a lot of her own, but allowed him to manage it. Also, it wasn't about sex - trust me on that. 

Anyway, he was her problem, I refused to let him be mine.

(See "Cheapskate Stories" thread for more about them.)
https://www.seniorforums.com/showthread.php/13493-Cheapskate-Stories?highlight=cheapskate+stories


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## SeaBreeze (Apr 3, 2015)

Sounds like he was her problem, maybe she was brainwashed.  I know I wouldn't tolerate it if I had to sneak phone calls to a girlfriend.


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## 911 (Apr 3, 2015)

Controlling husbands. Do you have any idea how much domestic violence is attributed to controlling spouses, which is generally the husband?


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## applecruncher (Apr 3, 2015)

911, I hear ya.  However, I know of some very controlling wives.  One is a relative, and people call her husband (feline)whipped  behind his back.  Quite pathetic to watch.


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## drifter (Apr 3, 2015)

I knew a couple this way and finally ended the friendship. Also, you can outgrow someone you've been friends with for years.


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## Cookie (Apr 4, 2015)

Sorry you lost your friend, applecruncher, and your not the only one this has happened to.  I once met a nice friend but unfortunately her husband was against her having her own friends outside their marriage. They only had other 'couple' friends that they would see together. I don't know what his problem was, but I felt sorry for the wife because she seemed to be trapped with a man who was possessive, controlling and probably insecure. But it seemed to be her choice to go along with it. I've seen this in a few other couples as well.


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