# When it's over it's over



## Roadwarrior (Aug 19, 2017)

My wife & I have been married for 48 years, 3 children, 6 grand & 2 g-grand.  We have been drifting apart for a few years, over the last few months our marriage has deteriorated to just two old friends living in the same house.  She has her interests, I have mine.  She's sociable, I'm a recluse.  It has been ok for the last 5 years or so.  Just two people sharing the same address for convenience.   My desire when I retired was to buy a large RV & live on the road, she wanted a smaller home with a garden & friends, she was dead set against that idea.   

 I had developed into a hermit in childhood, playing by myself, letting my imagination run wild, not having many friends at any given time.  I think I was above average intelligence in most things, school came easy.  People would come to me for advice, but now retired those days are behind me.  I don't miss it.  I like to go off by myself traveling around the west, visiting places that I remember from movies & my childhood.  I can sit quietly by the fire pit absorbed in thought (daydreaming) & sleep a full 8 hours with no problems.  I'm a healthy weight, normal range.   My health is holding.  

 I don't plan a divorce, hopefully we can remain friends.  I will pay her rent, internet, utilities, cellphone & streaming service, I cut the cord several years ago since neither of us watch much TV.  I am giving her 50% of my pension, she’s earned that & as long as we remain married she will get my SS after I pass, which is much larger than hers, she will get 100% of the pension (I set it up that way).  She will be getting basically the same income, minus my share of the food, entertainment & incidentals we had jointly shared.  My expenses will be mine, her’s are her’s outside of the above mentioned.   So I guess that I’ll be heading to AZ this Nov & back to my land I own in the NW in Apr.


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## Lethe200 (Aug 19, 2017)

In 1900 U.S. life expectancy was all of.....47 years. Think of it; you could have married at age 15 and still not even make a 50 yr wedding anniversary!

We ask for a lot from relationships these days. A friend, a lover, a spouse, all wrapped up in one person. Life expectancy is now over 78 yrs (even with the recent slight decline). Get married at 20 and you're looking at 58 yrs where growing up can mean growing apart.

It sounds like you've been very fair about the finances. Not the worst thing in the world, to decide to walk alone for a while.

Best of luck to you both.


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## Vega_Lyra (Aug 19, 2017)

Change is the only constant element of our life...
However, it is strange that two people with different preferences and goals have managed to live together 48 years.
Aging as a couple should unite spouses....Yet, many grow apart and this is very sad.
While separation or divorce at any age is likely to be a painful experience, the older you are ,the more likely it is to have a negative impact on your health, wealth and general well-being.
Your care for your wife to have financial support shows your fair character.
“The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.”,  as Mother Teresa said.
I wish you courage, wisdom and good luck.


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## Ruthanne (Aug 20, 2017)

I hope things will turn out better than you think.  Are you sure it's over?  Your concern for your wife is admirable; not all men would go to the lengths you have but it's the right thing to do.


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## terry123 (Aug 20, 2017)

You have been very fair with your wife.  What is her reaction to your plans?  I wish you the best in your travels.  Sometimes in your life you come to a crossroads and you are wise to recognize it and take it and see where it leads.  Safe travels!!


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## Roadwarrior (Aug 20, 2017)

Thanks all for the kind thoughts, we are moving through the process slowly.


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## Camper6 (Aug 20, 2017)

I really admire people that can separate without animosity prevailing.


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## Roadwarrior (Aug 20, 2017)

terry123 said:


> You have been very fair with your wife.  What is her reaction to your plans?  I wish you the best in your travels.  Sometimes in your life you come to a crossroads and you are wise to recognize it and take it and see where it leads.  Safe travels!!


I told her while she was giving me a lift to my truck & trailer, 'You seem to be a lot more animated & talkative since we made our decision'.  Well, you're not giving me what I want or need.  Good enough.  My daughter's are ok with it, but told me they want me included in their lives.  My wife was okay with the traveling around, but what brought it on was my statement, 'I don't know if my attitude will get better if I have to spend one more winter in the PacNW'.  I do much better with a little sun.  She wants me to be happy & said 'You've always wanted to do the snowbird thing so I don't want to be an issue, & I hope we can remain friends.  She has all my respect & is a great mom to her kids & a better grandma.   She's deserves to be happy also.


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## Katybug (Aug 20, 2017)

Be prepared for lots of deep sadness expressed from your children and grandchildren, as things will never be the same for them.  You deserve to be happy and if that means moving on, so be it. Good luck to you.


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## Roadwarrior (Aug 23, 2017)

Seasonal Affective Disorder, SAD are you kidding me.  Evidently I suffer from that!  Couple that with my Asperger condition then you arrive at the issues me & the wife obviously deal with.  Things, are much more on an even keel now, we had a couple of long, in depth talks that last few days.  Both agreed that 48 years is not something to take lightly.  We have decided to compromise & embrace our differences.  Remain married & friends as before but each can do their own thing within reason & morally.   

 I will continue to travel with my t-trailer but now can journey to AZ in the winter months & back here in the summer months.  My daughter has a 2 acre plot in the mountains within a 30 minute drive from our current residence where I will take up parking & raising my own garden/meat.  Nothing really has changed except my time will be more active rather than sitting on my porch obsessing about my neighbor.


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## Katybug (Aug 23, 2017)

Good for you!  Glad to hear a happy ending.


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## Vega_Lyra (Aug 24, 2017)

A wise decision....


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## terry123 (Aug 24, 2017)

Roadwarrior said:


> Seasonal Affective Disorder, SAD are you kidding me.  Evidently I suffer from that!  Couple that with my Asperger condition then you arrive at the issues me & the wife obviously deal with.  Things, are much more on an even keel now, we had a couple of long, in depth talks that last few days.  Both agreed that 48 years is not something to take lightly.  We have decided to compromise & embrace our differences.  Remain married & friends as before but each can do their own thing within reason & morally.
> 
> I will continue to travel with my t-trailer but now can journey to AZ in the winter months & back here in the summer months.  My daughter has a 2 acre plot in the mountains within a 30 minute drive from our current residence where I will take up parking & raising my own garden/meat.  Nothing really has changed except my time will be more active rather than sitting on my porch obsessing about my neighbor.


Sounds like a plan!!!


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## JaniceM (Sep 4, 2017)

To each his/her/their own, but I disagree entirely with the approach you mentioned in parts of the last paragraph.  If 'When it's over it's over' is really where you're at with the situation, you shouldn't be paying all of her bills.


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## Roadwarrior (Sep 4, 2017)

JaniceM said:


> To each his/her/their own, but I disagree entirely with the approach you mentioned in parts of the last paragraph.  If 'When it's over it's over' is really where you're at with the situation, you shouldn't be paying all of her bills.


I think it will work out, money was never the issue.  I can be a real 'dink' at times - self centered & domineering.  I'm hoping to change but we're both better off apart.  I have most of the traits of an 'Asperger' so understanding that I think it's a good thing for both our mental health.


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## JaniceM (Sep 4, 2017)

Roadwarrior said:


> I think it will work out, money was never the issue.  I can be a real 'dink' at times - self centered & domineering.  I'm hoping to change but we're both better off apart.  I have most of the traits of an 'Asperger' so understanding that I think it's a good thing for both our mental health.
> View attachment 41687



What I meant was continuing to pay all her bills will keep a very strong connection between you and her, and may even lead to a sense of obligation.  If you were to rethink it, are you sure you want it to be completely over?  Maybe some time apart, with each able to do his/her own thing, might bring you back together in time?


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## Catlady (Sep 4, 2017)

JaniceM said:


> What I meant was continuing to pay all her bills will keep a very strong connection between you and her, and may even lead to a sense of obligation.  If you were to rethink it, are you sure you want it to be completely over?  Maybe some time apart, with each able to do his/her own thing, might bring you back together in time?


I agree with JaniceM.  It sounds like you two are still very good friends, just no longer a romantic couple.  If you two don't mind a ''platonic relationship", why not you live in AZ during the winter and then in your own house in the NW with your wife/friend.  And your wife can enjoy her life by staying put.  And if you enjoy time in your land in the mountains, you can still do that without actually ''cutting the cord'' with your wife.  Just my opinion, it's your life to do as you please.


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## JaniceM (Sep 4, 2017)

Whatever option you decide on, I hope it works out for you.  Best wishes!!


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## SpicyTweed (Sep 4, 2017)

Roadwarrior, you have obviously given this much thought and approached this crossroads sensibly.  Your Asperger traits, plus the fact that your wife is very social, probably made it inevitable that you would grow apart at some point after your children were grown and your working years behind you.  It is fair and right that you not abandon your wife financially, and I applaud you for that.  This is a good compromise that meets the divergent needs of both spouses.  Friendship with your wife has value in and of itself, so I hope you will both hold on to that aspect of your relationship.  You seem to be an honorable man, and I wish both you and your wife happy and fulfilling futures.


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## Roadwarrior (Sep 4, 2017)

SpicyTweed said:


> Roadwarrior, you have obviously given this much thought and approached this crossroads sensibly.  Your Asperger traits, plus the fact that your wife is very social, probably made it inevitable that you would grow apart at some point after your children were grown and your working years behind you.  It is fair and right that you not abandon your wife financially, and I applaud you for that.  This is a good compromise that meets the divergent needs of both spouses.  Friendship with your wife has value in and of itself, so I hope you will both hold on to that aspect of your relationship.  You seem to be an honorable man, and I wish both you and your wife happy and fulfilling futures.


SPOT ON!  I don't believe I could have ever come up with a more appropriate summation.


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## hangover (Sep 5, 2017)

My Grandparents were married 25 years, then got divorced when my grandfather had a fling with his brother's wife, and they got married. Then My grandmother remarried, and then both of their second spouses died of cancer....five years later they remarried each other until my grandfather died ten years later. Grandma died ten years after that.

Funny that my sister did the same thing with her husband....but they're both still kicking. But they didn't remarry anyone else. Grass always looks greener till you get there.

My mom is on her third marriage, for 48 years now. He's only nine years older than me....nine years younger than mom.

Just had our 25th anniversary yesterday. December 1st, we will have been together 32 years. My first marriage only last six months...stayed divorced 20 years.


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## Roadwarrior (Sep 9, 2017)

As the 'Dude' would say, 'More information has come to light.'  It is officially over.  Thanks for your input.  I'm outta here!


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## jujube (Sep 9, 2017)

My parents were divorced after 35 years of marriage and then remarried 2 1/2 years later.  It was a real relief being legitimate again....lol.  

My mother is good at revising history and apparently those 2 1/2 years never happened, so we just go with it.


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