# The Tag-Along Sister



## Leann (Nov 22, 2019)

A while back I met a nice man. We get along well for the most part. He's clearly interested in marriage and has brought it up periodically. As much as I enjoy our time together, I don't see a marriage anywhere in our future. The main reason is his sister. She's a few years older than he is, widowed and doesn't have children. She may have had friends in the past but doesn't seem to have any now. She and her brother (the man I'm dating) live less than a mile away from one another. 

He is pretty much at her beck and call. I think it's nice that he helps her but it's to the exclusion of everything else. She has her own home, has a car, and has a nice retirement income. They talk on the phone several times a day, they run errands together during the week, and they often have breakfast or lunch together. He buys her expensive birthday and Christmas gifts. They have two other siblings but aren't close with either of them. And he has children from his former marriage who are all adults now and living in other states. 

So all of this is fine except it has now bled into our relationship. When we make plans to go out for a meal, he calls his sister to see if she'd like to join us. When we talk about vacations, he considers if she would like to go. We did make plans for a three-day mini vacation which he cancelled because he was worried that his sister would need something while we were away. When we're on the phone and she calls, he'll hang up with me to take her call. If there is something new going on such as he went to the doctor for a test, he has to call her first with the results before he calls me.

I think we should take care of those that we love but this seems over the top to me. I've skirted the issue with him once or twice but he gently pushed back. In one of our conversations months ago he commented that his ex-wife thought that his sister was trying to break them apart when they were married. I now understand what she means. I feel the same way. I realized a while back that he and I don't have a long-term future. It would be a possibility if she wasn't such a dominant figure in his life but that will never change.

Has anyone else had an experience where a family member intruded on a relationship?


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## AnnieA (Nov 22, 2019)

It reads as though you're becoming more and more the tag-along girlfriend in this odd sibling relationship.  As for marriage with him, I think the old advice that problems before marriage only become worse after will apply here and you're wise to see it now.


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## toffee (Nov 22, 2019)

your very wise leann' never have 3 people in  marriage just dont work ! if he cares enough then both can still carry on as friends 
the sister will not step aside it seems even if he moved I with you ' but maybe if you talked about it openly to him and see how it goes ;;


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## Catlady (Nov 22, 2019)

I am SURE, based on what you have told, his sister DID break up his marriage.  He and the sister seem to be attached at the hip, I'm surprised they don't just live together.  If you enjoy his company keep him in your life but keep looking for that ''special man'' you want, this guy ain't it.  I fully agree with @AnnieA - "I think the old advice that problems before marriage only become worse after will apply here".   The worst mistakes that people make before marriage is thinking that they can change the person after marriage.


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## terry123 (Nov 22, 2019)

There will always be 3 of y'all in a relationship.  If you are looking for more then he is not for you. Friends with them is all there is going to be with him.


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## jujube (Nov 22, 2019)

If you marry him, you'll be marrying both of them.  Do you see spending the rest of your life as a "sister wife" and one that's definitely #2 at that?  Don't get your hopes up on changing it, either.


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## Wren (Nov 22, 2019)

As you say you realised a while ago you don’t have a long term future with this man Leann,  I think I’d tell him that and let him decide if he wants to remain as a friend while you look for somebody willing to commit to a proper relationship


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 22, 2019)

Whoa! His widowed sister doesn't need to find anyone for sure. She already has a companion, handyman, confidant. I'd hand him his hat and point him at the door, but not before stating quite clearly that you don't want to be in a three-person relationship, playing second fiddle to his sister. He puts her first, and that isn't going to change in spite of what you say or anybody else says.

If he can't see that she's a big girl who needs to have _her own_ social life and has the financial resources to take care of herself, then I hope you have the sense to stay far, far away. Like in the SNL airline skit, "buh-bye."

Ew. That borders on emotionally unhealthy. Actually, it sounds like it's really trying to break through a border. They are obviously quite happy together.


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## SeaBreeze (Nov 22, 2019)

Leann, honestly I don't think I could even remain friends with this guy.  His relationship with his sister is just too much, and he's obviously the submissive one.  I could see his not wanting to go out of town if she was crippled, seriously disabled, etc.  But she has a car, home and money to pay for handyman work if needed.  Clinging to him with going out to do things, or eating out at restaurants often like that is just creepy, even more creepy is his letting her dominate him and being okay with it. The frequent contact and phone calls are not normal IMO.   Something's funny, I personally would want no part of him or them.  Good luck!


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## RadishRose (Nov 22, 2019)

.....just drop off the key, Lea
      and get yourself free!


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## Lewkat (Nov 22, 2019)

Dump him now.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 22, 2019)

Omigosh...I forgot about the ex-wife. Three guesses why she's the ex!


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## Kaila (Nov 22, 2019)

Hi, @Leann 
I am sorry about how that situation has not worked out good for you.  He is just way too extreme about that.  The ways he is including her in every single thing, and being overly devoted, when she is capable.

Plus, imagine if you were married, and the two of you had a disagreement about ANYTHING.
  Instead of you and he working it out, in whatever ways and time frame fit for you and him, she'd be right in the middle of that, too!

That is not the sort of thing that changes, either.  I feel it would make you miserable in the long-term, and that you would regret it, even though he may be nice in some ways.


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## applecruncher (Nov 22, 2019)

Creepy.  I couldn't even be friends with him.  Tell him to have a nice life, then move on.


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## Aunt Bea (Nov 22, 2019)

If the only issue is his relationship with his sister and you enjoy his company then tell him that you would like to maintain a casual relationship while both of you look for compatible life partners.

_"What good is sitting alone in your room ..." _- Fred Ebb, Cabaret


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## Kaila (Nov 22, 2019)

I was just thinking, you must have to run every single activity idea by her first, before you could think about doing it with him, and before he could answer you about whether or not, he'd like to do it.


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## Catlady (Nov 22, 2019)

Kaila said:


> I was just thinking, *you must have to run every single activity idea by her first, before you could think about doing it with him*, and before he could answer you about whether or not, he'd like to do it.


I wonder if that includes having sex?


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## Leann (Nov 22, 2019)

Aunt Bea said:


> If the only issue is his relationship with his sister and you enjoy his company then tell him that you would like to maintain a casual relationship while both of you look for compatible life partners.


I completely agree. Thank you!


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## Leann (Nov 22, 2019)

Kaila said:


> Hi, @Leann
> I am sorry about how that situation has not worked out good for you.  He is just way too extreme about that.  The ways he is including her in every single thing, and being overly devoted, when she is capable.
> 
> Plus, imagine if you were married, and the two of you had a disagreement about ANYTHING.
> ...


Precisely. Thank you. I've thought the same thing many times.


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## Leann (Nov 22, 2019)

AnnieA said:


> It reads as though you're becoming more and more the tag-along girlfriend in this odd sibling relationship.  As for marriage with him, I think the old advice that problems before marriage only become worse after will apply here and you're wise to see it now.


So true. Thank you!


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## Leann (Nov 22, 2019)

toffee said:


> your very wise leann' never have 3 people in  marriage just dont work ! if he cares enough then both can still carry on as friends
> the sister will not step aside it seems even if he moved I with you ' but maybe if you talked about it openly to him and see how it goes ;;


The sister will never move aside. She's too controlling. I agree that 3 in a marriage or even a relationship just doesn't work. Thank you.


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## Keesha (Nov 22, 2019)

Oh goodness Leann. What a patient, tolerant person you have been but seriously, you deserve better. Creepy is an understatement. 
This won’t ever change so unless you want to be a permanent third wheel I’d end if now.


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## terry123 (Nov 22, 2019)

Slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan. More 50 ways to leave a lover! Of course you are not there yet. As Barney would say "Nip it in the bud!"


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## AprilSun (Nov 23, 2019)

I couldn't trust him. He would make me feel as if he would run to her and tell her everything that was personal happening between the two of us. Without trust, a relationship or marriage will never last.


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## Leann (Nov 23, 2019)

AprilSun said:


> I couldn't trust him. He would make me feel as if he would run to her and tell her everything that was personal happening between the two of us. Without trust, a relationship or marriage will never last.



You're very wise, AprilSun. I have the same concerns. He told me that she doesn't want him talking about her, not only to me but to anyone. I don't ask about his conversations with her because he wouldn't tell me anyway. So I can assume that he is telling her about our relationship.


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## Leann (Nov 23, 2019)

Keesha said:


> Oh goodness Leann. What a patient, tolerant person you have been but seriously, you deserve better. Creepy is an understatement.
> This won’t ever change so unless you want to be a permanent third wheel I’d end if now.


Thanks, Keesha. The "creep factor" wasn't apparent to me initially because he had checked so many other boxes for me. But then her name kept coming up and he would reference her in casual conversation like "my sister and I like to go to this restaurant" or "I'm going to run errands with my sister" or "my sister and I went to the movies".  She has an off-putting personality, a sense of superiority. Not the kind of person people are endeared to. He is friendly, immediately likeable.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 23, 2019)

Leann said:


> You're very wise, AprilSun. I have the same concerns. He told me that she doesn't want him talking about her, not only to me but to anyone. I don't ask about his conversations with her because he wouldn't tell me anyway. So I can assume that he is telling her about our relationship.


Every time I see that you have posted on this thread, I have to look and see if you're referring to it as "our former relationship" yet!


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## C'est Moi (Nov 23, 2019)

Leann--I agree with the others; time to let him go.   (And it appears that the thread title is wrong; YOU seem to be the "tag along."   )


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## Leann (Nov 23, 2019)

I agree with all of you. And C'est Moi, you're correct, I'm the tag along, not his sister. 

There will be a conversation to follow but I started with an email to him today. I could have been more blunt than I was but I chose to be as non-critical as possible. Why? Because nothing will change between them regardless of what I say. A relationship with me or any other woman will never rise to the level of importance as the one he has with his sister. 

He's a huge collegiate football fan and several of his favorite teams are playing today so I doubt he'll even check his email until later tonight or sometime tomorrow. I'm sure we'll talk over the next day or two but, in the meantime, he has an email waiting for him. I told him that there isn't room for me in this relationship and there's no path forward. He's content to spend his time with his sister in the little world they've created and I am a disruption. I said more but this was the gist. If I was a betting person, I'd wager a lot that his sister will be the first person he talks to after reading the email and that he may even forward it to her. 

I spoke to a good friend yesterday about him and she summed it up perfectly. She said "unfortunately he's damaged".


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## AnnieA (Nov 23, 2019)

Leann said:


> You're very wise, AprilSun. I have the same concerns. He told me that she doesn't want him talking about her, not only to me but to anyone. I don't ask about his conversations with her because he wouldn't tell me anyway. So I can assume that he is telling her about our relationship.





AprilSun said:


> I couldn't trust him. He would make me feel as if he would run to her and tell her everything that was personal happening between the two of us. Without trust, a relationship or marriage will never last.



Not just personal things about your relationship, but private things about yourself that you've shared with him.  She doesn't want him talking about her, but does she pick him about you?  As unhealthy as their relationship is, I'd be willing to bet she does.


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