# Worried and scared



## Tara (Nov 9, 2021)

I am a 75 yr old woman retired and I will be moving to senior community soon for independent living.    My brother and I shared a home and then he died.  He did leave me some money from his 401k.  Not enough to last to pay all the bills here.

I am youthful .not in bad health. But I have no family but my  ex sister in law and she has her own family.  She does help a lot though.

I have a friend who has power of attorney only because she helped me get the  bank accounts together.   I have no trouble making decisions.

She tells me we should see a lawyer to protect my money.  But the lawyer wants a letter of competency from a doctor first.
My worry is that I am not good with the word memory recall test.  What happens if I fail that word list recall?      I know they look for early onset Alzheimer's?   My memory is pretty good but I guess it is not perfect.  I am so worried.


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## Paco Dennis (Nov 9, 2021)

Do you have a primary physician? Have you talked with her/him? This article does not mention the word memory test. The doctor knows if your competent without that. 

2 minute read
https://guide.peacefully.com/resources/when-and-how-to-obtain-a-letter-of-competency


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## Paco Dennis (Nov 9, 2021)

Oh and welcome to the forum. This is a great place to talk and share info, pictures and videos with very informed, honest, and loving folk.


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## terry123 (Nov 9, 2021)

Welcome to our group.  Just take everything a day at a time.


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## palides2021 (Nov 9, 2021)

Welcome, Tara! It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders. The fact that you're asking these questions is a sign that your memory is working. I wouldn't go with the lawyer at all if it were me (unless I wanted to write a Will). There really is no need. As long as the accounts are in your name, you should be fine. That's my two bits. Good luck!


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## Tom 86 (Nov 9, 2021)

I have my DIL as my power of attorney, I got that letter from my Dr that I use to see for 33 years so he knew me really well.    It,s not a memory test just more about my health?  Also.


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## Tom 86 (Nov 9, 2021)

palides2021 said:


> Welcome, Tara! It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders. The fact that you're asking these questions is a sign that your memory is working. I wouldn't go with the lawyer at all if it were me (unless I wanted to write a Will). There really is no need. As long as the accounts are in your name, you should be fine. That's my two bits. Good luck!


Seeing a lawyer will make sure her money is not spent foolishly by the retirement home.  

 My Mom didn't do that & they used up all her money in about 6 months.  Then she went into the Medicaid area. 

  So definitely see a lawyer make sure your money is safe.


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## SmoothSeas (Nov 9, 2021)

Welcome aboard, @Tara...

Perhaps you could make a list of your questions and concerns and then find someone who's conversant with the issues that seniors might have.  You might start here, https://www.ncoa.org/.

Or, your state might have some resources?  You can try googling that.

Like you, I'm an elder orphan, and somewhat over-whelmed by the unnavigable waters...


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## Tom 86 (Nov 9, 2021)

It only cost me $250.00 to talk to the lawyer & she told me many things that retirement places do.  So she made sure they can't touch any of my money only my S.S. income or the income from selling the house.


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## Pinky (Nov 9, 2021)

Tara, you've come to the right place for advice/information. It seems getting a lawyer's advice might be the first step to take. Research well before you do anything.

Also, welcome from Toronto


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## Aunt Bea (Nov 9, 2021)

I would be very concerned about giving anyone a power of attorney over my finances.

I would encourage you to seek professional advice from an independent source.

Discuss your will, funeral, power of attorney, DNR order, etc... as a whole package and come up with a plan that suits you and your specific situation.

Be sure to discuss the potential risk of giving your friend power of attorney and who will step in if your friend is no longer able to assist you.

Please be very careful, this is one area where none of us old folks gets a do over.


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## Matrix (Nov 9, 2021)

A meaningful and complete title is *required*: https://www.seniorforums.com/thread...d-titles-and-write-more-readable-posts.34771/


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## officerripley (Nov 9, 2021)

Aunt Bea said:


> I would be very concerned about giving anyone a power of attorney over my finances.
> 
> I would encourage you to seek professional advice from an independent source.
> 
> ...


I agree. A lot of people I've known have gotten helpful advice from elder law attorneys or paralegals. Don't know what they charge in your area but might be worth it moneywise in the long run.


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## Jules (Nov 9, 2021)

Have you called other lawyers to see if they require a letter of competency?  Perhaps you can just talk to your GP first it they all require this.


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## StarSong (Nov 9, 2021)

Jules said:


> Have you called other lawyers to see if they require a letter of competency?  Perhaps you can just talk to your GP first it they all require this.


Good point.  If you know a good CPA or accountant, that person could likewise oversee your finances.  Do you know people you can trust - whether relatives, friends or business acquaintances?


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## Kaila (Nov 9, 2021)

The other posts are very good.

I want to add, that it is understandable how worried and scared, this all makes you feel.  It definitely feels that way, for many of our situations.
It is stressful and frightening to have to make these sorts of changes, and to have these sorts of tests and appointments, etc.

Of course it feels upsetting and worrisome to have a competency exam, But.....
I also add, that you would likely have no problem with
*passing* the competency test, if you decide you should do it, in order to get the legal advice that is right for you.
They can see what is usual and normal difficulty with memory and recall, and so much of it _is_ normal. Your rational abilities are obvious, even though none of us are as quick or sharp as we used to be.

So myself, if I thought the lawyer advice might help me, to safeguard my resources, then I would take the test, if required by lawyers, and try to calm yourself, that you will probably pass it fine.


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## OneEyedDiva (Nov 9, 2021)

Welcome Tara. Plenty of good folks and good "conversations" here. I agree with @Aunt Bea's advice, especially regarding the power of attorney (POA) situation. Does your friend have limited or unlimited POA?  You seem to be quite capable and competent from what I've read. I'd say don't create things to worry about. As @Paco Dennis replied, your primary care doctor should know you well enough to certify you as competent. I believe everything is going to work out just fine.


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## Tom 86 (Nov 10, 2021)

StarSong said:


> Good point.  If you know a good CPA or accountant, that person could likewise oversee your finances.  Do you know people you can trust - whether relatives, friends or business acquaintances?


A lot of relatives or acquaintances are your friend now.  When you go into a retirement place a lot will take everything you got.   This has happened to several friends I had. ( they passed on now)  The kids took the farm & now they are fighting over who gets what. 

My lawyer told me how to preserve what I now have. She is young & really knows laws that help older people & farmers around here.   She made up my DNR, power of attorney so only certain things can happen if I lose my marbles.  She explained how my DNR, Power of attorney for both health & money she makes up will work.  So DIL can't just take anything she wants.   *Best $250.00 I ever spend.   Also, I can go in & have it changed any time I want or need to. *

All my Drs have copies of my DNR, P.A.'s same with the hospitals.  When I've been in the hospital many times I have had to call on Kristi my DIL to sign papers for me she has both medical & regular power of attorney.  As by law if you have or are on hi-powered pain medicine, you can not sign papers yourself.


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## StarSong (Nov 10, 2021)

Tom 86 said:


> So DIL can't just take anything she wants.


Hmmm.... Is this the same DIL who lives 500 feet away, is an EMT, and is the person you expect to look after you after your operation?

There are plenty of honest people in this world. I count my husband, our children, a couple of close friends, a niece on one side and a nephew on the other among those I would trust to make life and financial decisions on my behalf.

I would hope everyone has at least one person whom they can trust unreservedly.


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## officerripley (Nov 10, 2021)

StarSong said:


> I would hope everyone has at least one person whom they can trust unreservedly.


Unfortunately, a lot of people don't. People have fewer and fewer relatives, nearby anyway, since people are having fewer and fewer kids. In fact, my beloved niece-in-law worked (through a home help agency) for an elderly lady who was living in assisted living; NIL would visit the elderly lady--let's call her Ellen--and do things for her so Ellen wouldn't have to move into skilled nursing. Well, Ellen was a widow who'd never had kids, both she and her late husband were only children so there were no nieces or nephews, so Ellen had given POA, etc. to a long-time friend of the family who was about 20 years younger than Ellen. Well, I won't go into the details, but Ellen was needing some real help (not to do with where she was living, another matter), NIL called Ellen's fr. of the family and fr. of the family couldn't be bothered and hung up on NIL. Nephew told NIL, "Maybe you ought to let Ellen know what happened and maybe she should look into giving POA, etc. to someone else." But like NIL told him, "She has no one else." Nephew: "Well maybe she could name you; she adores you." [And I know, I'm prejudiced but NIL is angel, she really is.] But like NIL said, she could get in all kinds of trouble; all it would've taken is for Ellen's fr. of the family to find out what NIL had said and NIL could've lost her job since that would've been considered that she was trying to trick Ellen into giving power & $$ to NIL.

This is something I worry about myself if Huzz dies or goes permanently into skilled nursing before I do. I have my beloved nephew and NIL but their lives are so busy and hectic, both working in the elder care industry, kids, stepkids from the previous marriages on both sides, nephew has now got an elderly mother and stepdad who are trying to move in with him and NIL and some of their kids, etc. So I would really rather not to burden them with that too. And I don't have any friends who are younger than I am; and the few I have who are same age or older are dealing with their own numerous burdens.

More and more I hear about it, Ellen described above and I are members of an ever-enlarging club (some call it elder orphans) since so many people have fewer and fewer relatives that can help. Not that many years ago, an elderly man or woman with no kids had usually several few nephews or nieces who could help, even take them in but not any more. People having just one or even no kids means there are fewer relatives to help. (Wish I could convince Huzz of this so that he'd agree that we need to downsize because of this--in fact, should've started already--but he's in complete denial about it. Worrisome.)


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## Colleen (Nov 10, 2021)

Aunt Bea said:


> I would be very concerned about giving anyone a power of attorney over my finances.
> 
> I would encourage you to seek professional advice from an independent source.
> 
> ...


Great advice as always, Aunt Bea  My father died in 1986 and my mother lived alone until she died in 2006. However, I lived in PA for many years and my mother and I were not very close (ever), so I had no clue what was happening during those years after my father died. We took a trip to visit her one summer and she had made a Will and POA through legal services at General Motors, where my dad had worked for 42 years, and left everything to the next door neighbor and her husband. That included the house and everything in it. She had changed her insurance policies and bank accounts also. She called them her "new family". I wasn't even allowed to talk to her doctor about her medical conditions. She had been "taken over" by them and when she died, she didn't even have a decent dress to be buried in. It was borrowed from the neighbor's daughter!. My mother was always dressed "just so" and had beautiful clothes. She died penniless and they got everything. These things happen a lot, unfortunately.


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## Colleen (Nov 10, 2021)

StarSong said:


> I would hope everyone has at least one person whom they can trust unreservedly.


Nope. Not me. I worry about it sometimes, but there's nothing I can do about it. I don't expect my step-kids will be in any hurry to help me out if their father pre-deceases me. We tolerate each other because we have to. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to have dementia and won't know or care what's happening to me .


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## Tish (Nov 10, 2021)

Hi @Tara


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## bingo (Nov 10, 2021)

Where did you go?...come back....sit down with  us...stay.


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## tortiecat (Nov 10, 2021)

Interesting and important topic as are many in this forum.
I still manage my finances and I trust my son and
daughter to do what is right when and if I can no longer
do so.  I think the important word here is 'trust', I have
absolute trust in both of them.


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## StarSong (Nov 11, 2021)

Colleen said:


> Great advice as always, Aunt Bea  My father died in 1986 and my mother lived alone until she died in 2006. However, I lived in PA for many years and my mother and I were not very close (ever), so I had no clue what was happening during those years after my father died. We took a trip to visit her one summer and she had made a Will and POA through legal services at General Motors, where my dad had worked for 42 years, and left everything to the next door neighbor and her husband. That included the house and everything in it. She had changed her insurance policies and bank accounts also. She called them her "new family". I wasn't even allowed to talk to her doctor about her medical conditions. She had been "taken over" by them and when she died, she didn't even have a decent dress to be buried in. It was borrowed from the neighbor's daughter!. My mother was always dressed "just so" and had beautiful clothes. She died penniless and they got everything. These things happen a lot, unfortunately.





Colleen said:


> Nope. Not me. I worry about it sometimes, but there's nothing I can do about it. I don't expect my step-kids will be in any hurry to help me out if their father pre-deceases me. We tolerate each other because we have to. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to have dementia and won't know or care what's happening to me .



It sounds like your family's sad history is in danger of repeating itself.


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## cheryl (Nov 14, 2021)

Tara said:


> I am a 75 yr old woman retired and I will be moving to senior community soon for independent living.    My brother and I shared a home and then he died.  He did leave me some money from his 401k.  Not enough to last to pay all the bills here.
> 
> I am youthful .not in bad health. But I have no family but my  ex sister in law and she has her own family.  She does help a lot though.
> 
> ...


I found this video on YouTube where a doc gives someone a 3 word memory test. I don't think you have anything to worry about.


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## dseag2 (Nov 14, 2021)

I would also recommend "www.agingcare.com" Lots of great information and input there.  Please visit the site.


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## Butterfly (Nov 15, 2021)

Tara said:


> I am a 75 yr old woman retired and I will be moving to senior community soon for independent living.    My brother and I shared a home and then he died.  He did leave me some money from his 401k.  Not enough to last to pay all the bills here.
> 
> I am youthful .not in bad health. But I have no family but my  ex sister in law and she has her own family.  She does help a lot though.
> 
> ...



I don't know where you are (and laws can vary by jurisdiction), but I worked for attorneys for 40+ years and I've never heard of such a thing as an attorney asking for anything like a "letter of competency" before seeing a client.  I actually find that kind of shocking.

Here, you are presumed  competent unless you've been declared incompetent by a court.  A judgment of incompetency by a court is not easy, and wouldn't be determined by a person's inability to remember 3 words; it would take much more than that. Assuming you were not previously declared legally incompetent (and your post certainly doesn't sount incompetent to me), powers of attorney are generally revocable by the grantor (which would be you).

I would call another attorney and get better legal advice.  See if there is something like a senior citizens' law office in your jurisdiction.  Or call an attorney who practices in elder law.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 15, 2021)

@Tara just a reminder  
"Promise me you'll always remember that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think".- Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh.​


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## Kaila (Nov 15, 2021)

Thanks for that reminder,  for *all* of us in addition, 

each in our own situations, @GeorgiaXplant


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## wasserball (Nov 15, 2021)

Stay put! Your health is still good. I would trust a good neighbor first, pay that person before handing your financial welfare to a stranger.


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## Verisure (Nov 15, 2021)

Tara said:


> I am a 75 yr old woman retired and I will be moving to senior community soon for independent living.    My brother and I shared a home and then he died.  He did leave me some money from his 401k.  Not enough to last to pay all the bills here.
> 
> I am youthful .not in bad health. But I have no family but my  ex sister in law and she has her own family.  She does help a lot though.
> 
> ...


One step at a time, Tara. Trust in your friends.


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## Verisure (Nov 15, 2021)

Tish said:


> Hi @Tara
> 
> View attachment 193864


Watch me wallabies twitch, mate.


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## RobinWren (Nov 15, 2021)

Maybe anxiety is causing you to forget things and then your imagination takes over making you even more stressed. I agree with others, trust your friends and get another lawyer. Good luck.


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