# Missing my grandkids on the holiday



## Bobw235 (Dec 25, 2016)

My grandkids live with their parents over in England, and given the estranged relationship we have with our daughter-in-law, (long story that I've detailed in earlier posts), going over for a holiday visit wasn't in the cards. Last night our son sent us a disturbing email that detailed a his wife's efforts to destroy a present we had sent for the kids last year, a threat of physical harm sent his way in her drunken state, and a sabotaging of our gift idea for the kids this year. The email left me and my wife sad and feeling a bit sorry for ourselves, knowing that because of this woman, the relationship with our only grandchildren will always be difficult. We might get a video call later today, but probably not.

So, we make the best of it, consoling each other and hoping for better things next year.


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## SeaBreeze (Dec 25, 2016)

I'm very sorry to hear that Bob, I remember your sharing your story with us, sad situation.   I can't even imagine how this makes you and your wife feel this time of year especially, not having open loving contact with your grandkids and son has to be heart breaking.  Hugs to you and your wife, hope you can have a Merry Christmas and I wish the new year brings some positive changes in your son's situation.


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## BlondieBoomer (Dec 25, 2016)

I wasn't here when you talked about your son's situation, but I hope there's a chance to resolve it in the future. It doesn't seem fair that you should be deprived of a relationship with your grandchildren. Hopefully you have others and he's not an only child. I'm so sorry for you and your wife.


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## Bobw235 (Dec 25, 2016)

Only child in a failing marriage, with a wife who has emotional problems (depression/anxiety) and possibly a problem with alcohol. Last night a full bottle of Prosecco followed by port wine led to a potentially violent encounter involving threats and a sledgehammer. Throw in money problems.  Not a good situation. She has cut-off contact with us. Been like this for six months.


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## Butterfly (Dec 25, 2016)

So sorry to hear this, Bob.  Unfortunately, there just isn't anything you can do about it.


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## BlondieBoomer (Dec 25, 2016)

Bobw235 said:


> Only child in a failing marriage, with a wife who has emotional problems (depression/anxiety) and possibly a problem with alcohol. Last night a full bottle of Prosecco followed by port wine led to a potentially violent encounter involving threats and a sledgehammer. Throw in money problems.  Not a good situation. She has cut-off contact with us. Been like this for six months.



It's sad to say, but maybe the best you could hope for is a divorce and your son gets custody. That sounds like a dangerous situation when there are physical threats involved. Did your son call the police? It's too bad they live so far away. That must give you and your wife a feeling of helplessness.


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## DaveA (Dec 25, 2016)

That's a sad situation, Bob, and the fact that they live overseas only compounds it for you and your wife.  And as you describe it, there doesn't seem like any easy solution to their problem or yours.   I hope something eventually can be worked out allowing your son and grandchild to return to the States and with your support, get a new start. I wish you well.


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## jujube (Dec 25, 2016)

Bob, you have my heartfelt condolences.  Being cut off from grandchildren is terrible.


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## Carla (Dec 25, 2016)

Bob, that is heartbreaking and I am sorry to hear she try's to ruin what little contact you have. She hurts her children too as I believe grandparents play an important part in a child's life. I sure hope something changes for the better in that situation as her behavior affects all of you, so not fair! I'm guessing there really isn't much you can do but pray there is some resolve to this soon.


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## Bobw235 (Dec 25, 2016)

Thanks everyone. It's sad for all of us, but as some have suggested, there's nothing we can do short of giving my son a lot of money so he can get out on his own. We've reconciled with the fact that he's not coming back here to the US, but she won't consent to him traveling here with the eldest for several more years. Our hands are tied. When his grandmother passes away, there's a chance he'll inherit some money which would help to get him out of the situation he's in now, but that will never remove the obstacles that his wife throws up to make it more difficult for us to see the kids. We'll have to make the best of a bad situation and do the video thing in the meantime.  

Our son didn't call the police, but he has taken to recording her on is iPod, then shipping the files to his friend here in the states for safe keeping. He had her on one recording telling him how she'd make a false accusation of child abuse so he'd never get access to the kids.  It's a bad situation and the older the kids get, the more they're going to see what's going on.

My wife raised an interesting question though. Are we treating him differently because he's male? If this were our daughter in such a relationship, clearly abusive, if only verbally, would we react differently?  It has me wondering.


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## BlondieBoomer (Dec 25, 2016)

Bobw235 said:


> Thanks everyoe have suggested, there's nothing we can do short of giving my son a lot of money so he can get out on his own.
> 
> My wife raise an interesting question though. Are we treating him differently because he's male? If this were our daughter in such a relationship, clearly abusive, if only verbally, would we react differently?  It has me wondering.



Interesting question, but if it was your daughter instead of a son there probably wouldn't be much you could do either. The person being abused has to want to leave the situation. Even if you gave him a bunch of money, there is no guarantee he would use it to leave. Good thing he is doing videos to document everything. I feel bad for you and your wife.


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## Butterfly (Dec 25, 2016)

BlondieBoomer said:


> Interesting question, but if it was your daughter instead of a son there probably wouldn't be much you could do either. The person being abused has to want to leave the situation. Even if you gave him a bunch of money, there is no guarantee he would use it to leave. Good thing he is doing videos to document everything. I feel bad for you and your wife.



I agree.  Still nothing you could do, unless the abused person WANTS to leave, and anything you did try to do would be seen as meddling in someone else's marriage.

Why doesn't your son want to leave?


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## mitchezz (Dec 25, 2016)

What a truly awful situation Bob. Has your son sought any legal advice? It wouldn't hurt to know what his options are.

Maybe you could send cards or gifts to your son's workplace to make sure the kids get them.

All the best.


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## Shalimar (Dec 26, 2016)

So sad Bob. I think you and your wife are doing the best you can under these horrid circumstances. I am heartened by the fact your son has taken steps to record his wife's pathological behaviour. I think that it very wise, because I have a feeling she may 

be on a downward spiral. If she is suffering from depression/anxiety, the addition of alcohol is potentially very volatile. I also wonder of it is possible that she may have been misdiagnosed? Her paranoia, and vindictiveness seem more in line with Bipolar2 than a depressive disorder. Many people are not diagnosed with BPD until thirties-forties.


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## Bobw235 (Dec 26, 2016)

Our son would love to leave, but he is the sole support for the family and money is very tight. There is nothing with which he could start the process of ending the marriage. When recently asked whether he would leave should he come into money (inheritance/lottery for example), he was unequivocal and said he'd move out. In the past he's always hesitated, but we've seen a change this year and things have taken a turn for the worse.

Again, I appreciate the collective advice and wisdom here. Very helpful and reassuring.


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## Butterfly (Dec 27, 2016)

I do not mean any offense by this, Bob, but I think it as unwise for a man to stay with an abusive wife for financial reasons, as it is for a battered woman to stay with her batterer.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Dec 28, 2016)

Terrible situation. Very good idea getting this on film. I think it will go a long way should the time come for a custody fight. Hopefully you will get to see them soon. At a young age they quickly become attached. I found that with my own two grand kids. We hadn't seen them in awhile because they lived across country,now on the East coast we see them every six months or so. We bonded very quickly and now they look forward to our visits and are very loving.


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## Bobw235 (Dec 30, 2016)

Butterfly said:


> I do not mean any offense by this, Bob, but I think it as unwise for a man to stay with an abusive wife for financial reasons, as it is for a battered woman to stay with her batterer.



Sadly, he's stuck. He's the only support for the family and they're barely making ends meet. I agree, he should leave, but he can't afford to do so, let alone hire a lawyer.


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## pmjann (Jan 20, 2017)

Bob, I'm so sorry you are going through this.  We took the route you mentioned.  Our son had been the stay at home dad for 2 years when their relationship got so bad everybody knew it should be over.  Our ex-dil is a narcissist and literally destroyed our son's self-worth and confidence.  She did file a false domestic abuse claim and he was ordered by police to leave the home.  He had no job, no money and was devastated he couldn't see the kids until a hearing 9 weeks later took place.  We paid for a great attorney, his living expenses and supported him through counseling to get his life back on track.  That was 3 years ago.  He has full 50/50 custody and she has NO say on what or who the kids spend time with during his time.  Our son is back on his feet and doing well and we have the gift of seeing the grandchildren and him, any week we can make the 700 mile drive to see them and we get to talk to them weekly on facetime.  He is finally back to the man we raised and he's been able to shield the children much better from their mom's crazy ways than when they were all living under one roof.  It cost us almost $100,000 but it's been worth every penny.  

I wish you luck.  The one thing I wished I had known when things first started going south was that had he picked up the kids and moved with them BEFORE any divorce proceedings, he would never have had to move so far away.  (In the divorce, the judge granted her the right to move away for a job opportunity,  son followed her to maintain his custody).  

I hope your son comes to realize that taking the children and separating from a crazy woman is what's best for the kids as well as him.


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