# Difficult adult daughter



## avrp

I don't know...I'm just venting I guess. People's opinions on parenting often differ, but maybe you could help by affirmation or even criticism. I hope it makes sense lol. I'm not very elequent.

My only child, I'll call her Mary. She's 37, is married and has three children. They live 15 minutes away from me.  When we get together we usually have a really fun time, but Mary and I often don't see eye to eye and we just agree to disagree. 
She can get bossy to me. Sometimes it feels like she thinks she's the mom. It feels disrespectful.
I usually say nothing and walk on egg shells to keep the peace (Love my grandchildren and want to see them) Occasionally I will tell her in a soft voice, that she shouldn't talk to me like that. 
One time we were estranged for 6 months because I got tired of her s--t.

So last week I got quite fed up with her as she was texting me how I "should" do this or I didn't do "that"

I text back: "You need to get a grip"

Her response was: "Wow" 

Haven't hear from her since. It is so upsetting to me but I refuse to be mistreated. Or am I mistreating her?


----------



## SeaBreeze

It does sound like she tries to dominate you, but hard to tell without some examples.  What's an example of something that you do, or didn't do, that makes her feel she can contact you with such criticism?  Are these things that affect her or her children at all?  Sounds like there's some head-butting for sure, but I don't think anyone should have to walk on eggshells to please another.  Has the relationship always been rocky, even when she was a child or a teen?


----------



## avrp

I shouldn't have posted that because it involves some personal things and a it's a long story.
Thank you SeaBreeze for responding though, I appreciate it.
Sorry...


----------



## AprilT

Marty, don't feel bad about posting, I almost wondered if possibly were writing from something I wrote in the past, well pretty close.  LOL.  After a certain age and I became ill, my daughter started acting like she was my mother, she wants every detail of my every thought if I don't comply good grief.  Not going to happen.  I love her best from a distance.  I'm not gonna go into details, but, a couple of years earlier, I was thrilled to see the book, pictured below, on sale at my library.


----------



## SeaBreeze

Just share what you want to Marty, you don't need to get too personal at all.  It's okay if it's a long story too...hugs.


----------



## Lee

Marty, it does help to talk it out....you will get some great advice.


----------



## Twixie

I suppose it is like a see saw balance of power..

You getting older..

I find this happens with my sons..

I know their intentions are good..very often grabbing a private letter..or a bill and asking me about it...

I always say..''don't be so nosy..you're not too old to get yer ass kicked!!'''


----------



## ClassicRockr

Gotta say (in red below), you do have a way of telling someone something! As for me, I'm just not THAT tough. Heck, I was "teary-eyed" when I seen the end of the movie ET! There are times that wife and I both have to pull a Kleenex tissue out of the box while watching certain movies.



Twixie said:


> I suppose it is like a see saw balance of power..
> 
> You getting older..
> 
> I find this happens with my sons..
> 
> 
> I know their intentions are good..very often grabbing a private letter..or a bill and asking me about it...
> 
> I always say..''don't be so nosy..you're not to old to get yer ass kicked!!'''


----------



## Twixie

ClassicRockr said:


> Gotta say (in red below), you do have a way of telling someone something! As for me, I'm just not THAT tough. Heck, I was "teary-eyed" when I seen the end of the movie ET! There are times that wife and I both have to pull a Kleenex tissue out of the box while watching certain movies.



It comes from having had a tough life CR...


----------



## ClassicRockr

Sometimes the younger generation can be disrespectful to us. In order to keep the peace within the family, sometimes it's better to just let it go. There's a chance that the tougher you get, the tougher she will get. Perhaps you and her just need a good "mother-to-daughter" talk........that is, if she will talk to you about your feelings. 

Doesn't sound like you're too much of a "toughie" and she know that. Unfortunately, sometimes when the parents become a "toughie" with adult children, a battle can begin. Sometimes, the adult child understands, when talked to, and will respect their parents feelings.  

We were visiting a SIL and her granddaughter last month. While we were at a Bass Pro Store, the SIL wanted to take a photo of granddaughter holding something. Wife and I found out very quickly that her sister's granddaughter don't like her grandma taking photos of her! The granddaughter kept turning around w/grandma/SIL following her with the camera phone. Granddaughter kept saying "no", but dear grandma/SIL wasn't going to stop trying to take her photo. Finally, the granddaughter gave dear grandma a dirty look and said "no" pretty loud. Grandma/SIL put her phone away and I said "if you want to get along with her, I wouldn't point that camera phone at her again!" Wife and I have got photos of our niece (the SIL's granddaughter) on her horse, so we know that she does get her photo taken........but, it's got to be when SHE wants it taken.


----------



## Twixie

ClassicRockr said:


> Sometimes the younger generation can be disrespectful to us. In order to keep the peace within the family, sometimes it's better to just let it go. There's a chance that the tougher you get, the tougher she will get. Perhaps you and her just need a good "mother-to-daughter" talk........that is, if she will talk to you about your feelings.
> 
> Doesn't sound like you're too much of a "toughie" and she know that. Unfortunately, sometimes when the parents become a "toughie" with adult children, a battle can begin. Sometimes, the adult child understands, when talked to, and will respect their parents feelings.
> 
> We were visiting a SIL and her granddaughter last month. While we were at a Bass Pro Store, the SIL wanted to take a photo of granddaughter holding something. Wife and I found out very quickly that her sister's granddaughter don't like her grandma taking photos of her! The granddaughter kept turning around w/grandma/SIL following her with the camera phone. Granddaughter kept saying "no", but dear grandma/SIL wasn't going to stop trying to take her photo. Finally, the granddaughter gave dear grandma a dirty look and said "no" pretty loud. Grandma/SIL put her phone away and I said "if you want to get along with her, I wouldn't point that camera phone at her again!" Wife and I have got photos of our niece (the SIL's granddaughter) on her horse, so we know that she does get her photo taken........but, it's got to be when SHE wants it taken.



I actually think it is fear...I've always been a strong lady...but now my hair is going silver..they somehow feel a little angry with you for ''getting old'...

They are realising that you are mortal..

And equate getting old with losing your marbles..

If I have a doctors appointment..when I come away..my phone is red hot..''Are you OK?..what did he say??''


----------



## avrp

Thanks guys. I really appreciate your replies. ClassicRockr, my 17 yr old granddaughter is the same way....  so I just don't take pics of her unless she wants me to 

My daughter has temper issues and anxiety issues, which doesn't help matters.
A few times she blamed me for a lonely childhood because she was an only child and we lived out in the country. 
I feel like her punching bag. When she left her  husband she moved in with me. That's when it all began and she moved out hating me and disowning me, and since that 6 month separation I've toughened up because I found out that she is not the child I thought she was. It took all my strength and some therapy but I didn't try to contact her. I waited for her to make the first move. Things were better after that. We got along great (still do at times) and have had so much fun together.
Probably the last year or so Mary has slowly began to be disrespectful. I don't know...maybe it's about her home life....happiness or lack of. 

I find it difficult to be the mother of this adult child. I want a relationship with her ...  but I won't let her disrespect me. So it's up to me to find that balance, even if it's loving her from afar and not getting so emotionally attached.


----------



## avrp

Twixie, I often wonder if it's fear too....but fear of having to care for me in my old age. Being an only child she may feel trapped.


----------



## Twixie

Why don't you just sit her down and ask her?...:love_heart:


----------



## avrp

Twixie said:


> Why don't you just sit her down and ask her?...:love_heart:



oh believe me, we will have a long talk. But first, some time apart. It will help us both.


----------



## Twixie

Now I suffer from ''smother'' sons.I have 3 in Italy..2 in the South of France..my youngest one lives here with me after a disastrous marriage..

My sons it Italy..''Mama..come here..we will buy you a flat next to the sea...you don't need to pay nothing..It's warm here Mama..

My sons in France..''Come and live over here..we want you here..we will send you a plane ticket, don't bother to pack nothing..(sic)..


----------



## Happyflowerlady

I think that it can sometimes be a confusing relationship between parent and child as the child becomes an adult and the parent ages. 
My daughter and I have that kind of a situation , too; but we usually joke about it, and it is not a problem with us. Since I have not had the best health, my daughter has started realizing that she could lose me; so she worries and fusses about me, and how I am doing. 
The other side of that is, no matter how old she is; to me , she is still "my little girl".     Even though I know she works away from home often, and enjoys the kayaking and rockhounding on weekends; I still worry if she is okay.  
She says, "but MOM, I am 42 ! ! I am not a kid anymore."

The lines are blurry of who takes care of who at some point. 
We have to get used to the changing of roles from being the mother and caretaker of our children, to becoming the one who can do less and needs help more as we continue to age. 

Verbal abuse should not be a part of it though, regardless of who is taking care of who.


----------



## Bettyann

Sorry that you are going through this, Marty... I'm glad you will have a talk (later) ....could I suggest something? Try to just ask questions...and see what kind of responses you are getting... It so strange that she would ACT this way to you...and I know that must hurt... 
Tell her to be honest as to why she feels that she has to be so bossy... ask her if she knows WHY she feels this way ... that you would honestly like to know...without you sounding critical of her...
The reason I say this, is it sounds as if she has issues that she might have to talk to a therapist about... But you know what?? If you just plain 'lose it' with her, I could not blame you... Would she be open to the both of you visiting with a therapist? You might ask her... 
Sending you love and good luck!


----------



## Melody1948

Hi Marty,

It sounds like you are writing my story.  The last couple years have been terrible with my son and myself.  He has decided that he is the father and he is questioning how I spend my money, etc. etc. etc, telling me I should be on a budget.  I have gotten this far, and I am 71, I raised him on my own, supported him and financed his business as well as many automobiles. I even gave him his inheritance early so he could start another business on the side of buying and reselling homes after they are renovated.  He is doing very well and I am proud of him, but he doesn't realize that I played a big part in how far he has come.....and he shouldn't be trying to boss me around now.  He would never have had the finances he has now if I had not given him so much.

It really disturbs me now that he is so distant with me because I won't do as he tells me to do.  Well, that is never going to happen, I haven't lost my marbles yet and I still have more experience under my belt than he or his wife have.

He hasn't called in a long time, I won't call either.  I called once and left a message on his answering service, he didn't call back. So be it........He is nearly 50 and he is old enough to take care of himself now.  My job is over and I did a good job. I am proud of myself.


----------



## avrp

Melody1948 said:


> Hi Marty,
> 
> It sounds like you are writing my story.  The last couple years have been terrible with my son and myself.  He has decided that he is the father and he is questioning how I spend my money, etc. etc. etc, telling me I should be on a budget.  I have gotten this far, and I am 71, I raised him on my own, supported him and financed his business as well as many automobiles. I even gave him his inheritance early so he could start another business on the side of buying and reselling homes after they are renovated.  He is doing very well and I am proud of him, but he doesn't realize that I played a big part in how far he has come.....and he shouldn't be trying to boss me around now.  He would never have had the finances he has now if I had not given him so much.
> 
> It really disturbs me now that he is so distant with me because I won't do as he tells me to do.  Well, that is never going to happen, I haven't lost my marbles yet and I still have more experience under my belt than he or his wife have.
> 
> He hasn't called in a long time, I won't call either.  I called once and left a message on his answering service, he didn't call back. So be it........He is nearly 50 and he is old enough to take care of himself now.  My job is over and I did a good job. I am proud of myself.



Hi Melody...gosh it really breaks my heart to hear stories like yours. It seems that the mothers who give and give...they are taken advantage of, manipulated and disrespected. The mothers who stay distant, who aren't there for their children when they need them...those children long for love and approval. It seems so unfair.
My daughter was kind of like your son. I got some good advice and stopped enabling her. I was there for her but I started practicing tough love. It's difficult. I still have to stop myself from trying to help and "fix" everything.
Although it will break your heart, I encourage you to leave your son alone. Do not contact him. He will come around in time.


----------



## Melody1948

Thanks for the advice ladies.  Yes, I learned some difficult lessons in life and family relationships, but I am stronger now because of it.  I did a lot of things because the father was not there and maybe deep down I was trying to fill in the blank; but, needless to say, a lot of us learn too late.

I love my son dearly.  I know he loves me too.  We just do not see eye to eye anymore.  I spoiled him too much so I have to accept the consequences.  He will call me someday.  I will be here for him when he does.  But things will be different now.  I am happy in spite of everything.


----------



## Denise1952

marty said:


> I don't know...I'm just venting I guess. People's opinions on parenting often differ, but maybe you could help by affirmation or even criticism. I hope it makes sense lol. I'm not very elequent.
> 
> My only child, I'll call her Mary. She's 37, is married and has three children. They live 15 minutes away from me.  When we get together we usually have a really fun time, but Mary and I often don't see eye to eye and we just agree to disagree.
> She can get bossy to me. Sometimes it feels like she thinks she's the mom. It feels disrespectful.
> I usually say nothing and walk on egg shells to keep the peace (Love my grandchildren and want to see them) Occasionally I will tell her in a soft voice, that she shouldn't talk to me like that.
> One time we were estranged for 6 months because I got tired of her s--t.
> 
> So last week I got quite fed up with her as she was texting me how I "should" do this or I didn't do "that"
> 
> I text back: "You need to get a grip"
> 
> Her response was: "Wow"
> 
> Haven't hear from her since. It is so upsetting to me but I refuse to be mistreated. Or am I mistreating her?



I can't relate as I don't have a daughter, but live your own life.  Sometimes we can unconsciously rely on others to be "our" lives, and they are not, they are "part of".  I think with the way she is treating you, give her a smaller part of your life, get busy with things, and friends that make you happy.  It's up to you/us.  I'm not saying disown her, just let her know you have plenty of other things, and a LIFE of your own

PS we can't change others behaviour, but we CAN change our own hugs, Denise


----------



## Petula

She sounds somewhat like my daughter.  I tried to raise her right, and she disrespects me since the end of high school. I should have put my foot down sooner, and not let her do that. Now she is angry and unforgiving when I say "no" to her, as her whole life i said yes, anything you want. To complicate matters, we are fighting for control of our business since my husband just died.  She will not listen to my experience, and wants to do everything her way. I just do not know what to do; if I should just leave the business to her, and try to wait it out, and see if she will talk to me again, or what. I am seeing a counselor, and that is his suggestion, and i just might take it.  She has a brother, and he could counteract some of her impulsive inexperienced ideas, but he is younger and does pretty much anything she asks. It is a complicated situation.  I can totally identify with your situation, Marty.


----------



## rporter610

It is amazing how similar some of our stories are.  Marty, I think you hit on something important by sharing yours.  I have two daughters.  One hasn't spoken to me in 5 years.  The other gets along with me fairly well, but when she gets in one of her moods, I just keep my distance and wait for her to initiate contact.  It's a delicate balance, to be a parent/friend of an adult child, and keep boundaries clear.  I wish everyone good luck in walking this difficult road.


----------



## ClassicRockr

Excellent, just plain EXCELLENT reply! Your reply here is as good as a 5-Star Hotel/Restaurant! 



rporter610 said:


> It is amazing how similar some of our stories are.  Marty, I think you hit on something important by sharing yours.  I have two daughters.  One hasn't spoken to me in 5 years.  The other gets along with me fairly well, but when she gets in one of her moods, I just keep my distance and wait for her to initiate contact.  It's a delicate balance, to be a parent/friend of an adult child, and keep boundaries clear.  I wish everyone good luck in walking this difficult road.


----------



## Petula

I do not feel so strange and alone, and that I did something terribly wrong, now that I have heard that others here have had the same problems. I just met a lady that has a daughter that does not speak to her, and another daughter that does. I guess it is more common than one would think.  Thanks for the post, rporter, you hit the nail on the head! I am going to back off, and let her come talk to me.  Words have been spoken on both sides, though, and each of us are very slow to forgive those words spoken to each other in anger, so it might be a while. I am wrestling with trying to forgive her, since I feel it is my duty to be the one to forgive her hurtful words. This is the really hard part.


----------



## rporter610

Petula said:


> I do not feel so strange and alone, and that I did something terribly wrong, now that I have heard that others here have had the same problems. I just met a lady that has a daughter that does not speak to her, and another daughter that does. I guess it is more common than one would think.  Thanks for the post, rporter, you hit the nail on the head! I am going to back off, and let her come talk to me.  Words have been spoken on both sides, though, and each of us are very slow to forgive those words spoken to each other in anger, so it might be a while. I am wrestling with trying to forgive her, since I feel it is my duty to be the one to forgive her hurtful words. This is the really hard part.



Petula, you are not strange and you are NOT alone!  Many of us have these problems with our adult kids.  We did our best to raise them, made sacrifices, struggled with things that came up in life, and yet here we are in our "golden years" still sad sometimes and wondering what to do.  This Forum is a great place to share.  I don't like the members who pick on others and blame them for things they know nothing about.   Remember, these children are either our flesh and blood or our chosen ones.  We care about them.  If today were the last time you were to speak to them, what would you want to say?  Keep that in mind when your child finally does contact you.  Forget the past hurts.  We can't change them.  They're over with.  All we have is today.  Love to you.


----------



## Debby

Twixie said:


> Now I suffer from ''smother'' sons.I have 3 in Italy..2 in the South of France..my youngest one lives here with me after a disastrous marriage..
> 
> My sons it Italy..''Mama..come here..we will buy you a flat next to the sea...you don't need to pay nothing..It's warm here Mama..
> 
> My sons in France..''Come and live over here..we want you here..we will send you a plane ticket, don't bother to pack nothing..(sic)..




Sounds like you're a very lucky mom Twixie!


----------



## jujube

I get along with my daughter.  It just seems that she doesn't particularly care if I'm in her life or not.


----------



## avrp

What IS this about mother-daughter relationships? So many mothers with this problem.


----------



## Petula

marty said:


> What IS this about mother-daughter relationships? So many mothers with this problem.




I wish I knew.


----------



## debbie in seattle

avrp said:


> Thanks guys. I really appreciate your replies. ClassicRockr, my 17 yr old granddaughter is the same way....  so I just don't take pics of her unless she wants me to
> 
> My daughter has temper issues and anxiety issues, which doesn't help matters.
> A few times she blamed me for a lonely childhood because she was an only child and we lived out in the country.
> I feel like her punching bag. When she left her  husband she moved in with me. That's when it all began and she moved out hating me and disowning me, and since that 6 month separation I've toughened up because I found out that she is not the child I thought she was. It took all my strength and some therapy but I didn't try to contact her. I waited for her to make the first move. Things were better after that. We got along great (still do at times) and have had so much fun together.
> Probably the last year or so Mary has slowly began to be disrespectful. I don't know...maybe it's about her home life....happiness or lack of.
> 
> I find it difficult to be the mother of this adult child. I want a relationship with her ...  but I won't let her disrespect me. So it's up to me to find that balance, even if it's loving her from afar and not getting so emotionally attached.




Dont let too much time pass, I've not seen my eldest daughter in 8 years and she's not spoken to me in 3 years.   She'll see my husband maybe once a year.   He is saw her last week and she asked him for $20,000 and to co-sign on a lease for her for an apartment (my husband is 70 years old).   This same daughter owes me $250,000.   When time to re-pay, she 'couldn't afford it'.  Oh, she lives less than 10 miles from us.   We've been blamed for every single lousy mistake she's made in her life.   I've stayed away with arms opened hoping she'll come to her senses and with a hole in my heart missing her.   I do feel extremely guilty that with her absence, all the 'drama' she carries in her life is not part of ours and not our problem.   Time is short, we're getting old(er).    My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed in 90 days, would of thought this life lesson would of been remembered, it wasn't.


----------



## Butterfly

I'm sorry you are going through this -- it must be very painful for you.

Please take no offense at this, but I would not beg to be allowed to visit anyone.  Why would I want to visit them if they don't want me?  I'd find some friends and visit with them.    I'd also remember that they (the family) didn't want me around when it came to making my will.


----------



## Fern

Butterfly said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this -- it must be very painful for you.
> 
> Please take no offense at this, but I would not beg to be allowed to visit anyone.  Why would I want to visit them if they don't want me?  I'd find some friends and visit with them.    I'd also remember that they (the family) didn't want me around when it came to making my will.


 I totally agree.


----------



## Lon

My only thought is that if you have a 37 year old married daughter with three children, your days of parenting her are OVER, so back off and let her do her thing as she sees fit, right or wrong.


----------



## Carl B

Butterfly said:


> Please take no offense at this, but I would not beg to be allowed to visit anyone.  Why would I want to visit them if they don't want me?  I'd find some friends and visit with them.    I'd also remember that they (the family) didn't want me around when it came to making my will.



I somewhat agree.  But for me, "find some friends and visit with them" is easier said than done.  And I would miss my grandchildren.


----------



## fureverywhere

I dunno, does gender play into it? I was not the best Mom...or the worst by far, if anything I let everyone get away with too much. But the boys have been understanding...hey that was then. This is today, no worries. The girls will condemn me till the end of days. May you have a girl JUST LIKE YOU...worst thing you can curse on them. Maybe a couple good beatings and them girls would have figured it out. I'm being sarcastic...I think?


----------



## Butterfly

Carl B said:


> I somewhat agree.  But for me, "find some friends and visit with them" is easier said than done.  And I would miss my grandchildren.



I know the "find some friends" thing is a LOT easier said than done, and I apologize; I didn't mean to be flippant.  It's just that I've found that many times people will continue to treat you as poorly as you allow them to.  And I decided that I am simply not going to let people treat me like crap -- I deserve better than that.   If people don't want me around -- I'm not around.

No matter how old we get, we deserve to be treated like a human being who matters, because we do.


----------



## debbie in seattle

Butterfly said:


> I know the "find some friends" thing is a LOT easier said than done, and I apologize; I didn't mean to be flippant.  It's just that I've found that many times people will continue to treat you as poorly as you allow them to.  And I decided that I am simply not going to let people treat me like crap -- I deserve better than that.   If people don't want me around -- I'm not around.
> 
> No matter how old we get, we deserve to be treated like a human being who matters, because we do.



very well put!      Couldn't agree more.


----------



## happytime

Is it her life or yours...ok it's yours. Ask her "Do I try to run your life, then please don't try to run mine". Or "I love you but you have to respect my way an my life
an I will respect yours". Sadly, if she plays the grandchild card there isn't much you can do an hopefully she won't do that. That's a low blow to you an you can't do 
squat. My son an his wife do not play that card ever an don't tell me what to do, thank you kids. You ahve to make the daughter realize...''YOUR ALL GROWN UP NOW''.
Good luck an keep us posted on how things go. I'm sure this can be a draining situation.


----------



## Brookswood

If anybody can solve the problems of the Mother-Daughter relationship please let this father know the answer.

My ex-wife has what I will call 'prickly' relations with our daughters.  Even worse, it seems to be overflowing to our grand daughters who are lucky to see their grandmother once a month even though we all live withing a hour's drive of each other. 

Families often do things to each other that they would not do to a complete stranger.  We must be patient and take a long term approach to these situations. But, it is hard at times.


----------



## Carla

Hmmm. Well, I guess if your ex wants to see the kids she is going to have to try harder to get along. You say prickly, but not sure what that means. Maybe your ex would do better asking to pick the kids up and spend one-on-one time with them. Ask to have them overnight- that often gives parents opportunity to go out for the evening. That will keep contact to a minimum with the daughters. Just a suggestion.


----------



## Byrd

avrp said:


> Haven't hear from her since. It is so upsetting to me but I refuse to be mistreated. Or am I mistreating her?



I guess it's more my general attitude than a trueism, but I for myself have long since decided to treat whatever my children throw at my old behind with Zen like patience. They just don't know better. Fortunately, I do


----------



## Brookswood

Byrd said:


> I guess it's more my general attitude than a trueism, but I for myself have long since decided to treat whatever my children throw at my old behind with Zen like patience. They just don't know better. Fortunately, I do



I think you are wise.   I would not tolerate severe abuse, but it often comes down to "Do I want to be right?  Or do I want to be happy?".

I have seen far to many seniors cut themselves off from children and grandchildren over issues that, in the end, are not that big of a deal.  Or could have been handled with that Zen like attitude mentioned above. Or, given over to a higher power.  Or, just about anything that did not inflame the conflict.


----------



## nitelite

I find this problem with myself and many others with adult children. It appears to me that many of their generation are disrespectful and feel entitled. I have not found anyone that understands their behavior as most have given their children a strong and healthy upbringing. I used to feel that I had done something wrong until these same stories keep surfacing. I refuse to tolerate disrespect and therefore receive little or no contact from them. It is indeed a sad situation for us parents.


----------



## happytime

Maybe you should ask her why she thinks she needs to be advising you on anything. After all, look how wonderful she turned out......


----------



## Wilberforce

ctions


----------



## WhatInThe

I think the adult child-parent relationship will change simply because people are living longer. The weaker or more frail parent is a natural evolution of the relationship. Same can be said for many of the problems adult children have which can make an old parent treat their child like a child. To me a lot of stuff goes to back to physical and financial health. If both parties are ok theoretically the relationship should be more equal. It all depends on what people want or expect. To me there are certain lines that one doesn't cross, if it's crossed it's a character indicator. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.


----------



## Victor Meldrew

Reading this thread has been both enlightening and heartening in that I now see how my mom's ordeals with my older sister are not as uncommon or unusual as I thought.

My mom turns 94 at the end of the year. My older sister turns 64 in a little over a week. My mom was born and raised in Germany. Spent the first 28 years of her life there before marrying and moving to America with my dad. She is kind of the classic European, middle class type elderly lady. Very neat, tidy, old fashioned and set in her ways.

 My sister was always sort of the black sheep of the family, taking up with kind of "loser" type guys. Her third and last husband passed away a couple of years ago after he had left her for two years and destroyed his health partying, boozing and drugging, then came crawling back after the bottom fell out and he had nowhere to go. Two years after coming back, he was 100% disabled, dependent on oxygen and a cardiologist told him he couldn't do anything for him. She found him dead in his chair after coming home from work one day.

So now she's living in our mom's house, taking care of her. It was pretty rocky for awhile, with both of them going out of their way to set the other one off, but for the past year or so, things seem to have smoothed out somewhat. My sister is still friends with her mil and bil who live about three hours northwest of her. She spends all day Facebook PM'ing with them and talks on the phone with them a lot. And of course, she's nothing but friendly and buddy-buddy with them while treating my mom like she's just an inconvenience. And she still often talks to my mom in an impatient, disrespectful tone of voice.

All this, knowing full well that my mom is leaving the house to her in the will. No sense of appreciation whatsoever.

I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that my sister fancies herself a "good ol' country gal". Likes country music, NASCAR, Florida Gators, etc. Her inlaws are all into that and of course my mom is totally clueless about all of it. 

 But the main thing about my sister is that she still seems to have a nasty attitude towards my mom and me both. I really have to tread carefully any time I even try to have a friendly, civilized conversation with her, because anything could set her off. She seems to think if I or my mom disagree with her on the slightest thing, we're somehow trying to imply she's dumb and doesn't know anything. 

Just this past Friday, I had spent Thanksgiving with them and spent the night. My sister went grocery shopping and bought a pizza for lunch. As she was cutting it, we got into a spitting match over the subject of pizza cutters of all things. I was trying to tell her about a certain unique kind I have when she cut me off saying she'd seen them before and they looked just like any other. I knew that wasn't so and I politely and humorously pressed the point. 

Kablooey!!!! Off she went.

I said a couple of rather harsh things in response, she told me to shut up and leave.

Needless to say, it cast a pall on the whole holiday.


----------



## Falcon

Toxic folks, YUCK!   I give them a wide berth.....life's too short to contend with them.

Yet, you find them everywhere~~~~ in families, church................forums etc.


----------



## Brookswood

What's the old saying???  "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family."


----------



## BlondieBoomer

Victor Meldrew said:


> Reading this thread has been both enlightening and heartening in that I now see how my mom's ordeals with my older sister are not as uncommon or unusual as I thought.
> 
> My mom turns 94 at the end of the year. My older sister turns 64 in a little over a week. My mom was born and raised in Germany. Spent the first 28 years of her life there before marrying and moving to America with my dad. She is kind of the classic European, middle class type elderly lady. Very neat, tidy, old fashioned and set in her ways.
> 
> My sister was always sort of the black sheep of the family, taking up with kind of "loser" type guys. Her third and last husband passed away a couple of years ago after he had left her for two years and destroyed his health partying, boozing and drugging, then came crawling back after the bottom fell out and he had nowhere to go. Two years after coming back, he was 100% disabled, dependent on oxygen and a cardiologist told him he couldn't do anything for him. She found him dead in his chair after coming home from work one day.
> 
> So now she's living in our mom's house, taking care of her. It was pretty rocky for awhile, with both of them going out of their way to set the other one off, but for the past year or so, things seem to have smoothed out somewhat. My sister is still friends with her mil and bil who live about three hours northwest of her. She spends all day Facebook PM'ing with them and talks on the phone with them a lot. And of course, she's nothing but friendly and buddy-buddy with them while treating my mom like she's just an inconvenience. And she still often talks to my mom in an impatient, disrespectful tone of voice.
> 
> All this, knowing full well that my mom is leaving the house to her in the will. No sense of appreciation whatsoever.
> 
> I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that my sister fancies herself a "good ol' country gal". Likes country music, NASCAR, Florida Gators, etc. Her inlaws are all into that and of course my mom is totally clueless about all of it.
> 
> But the main thing about my sister is that she still seems to have a nasty attitude towards my mom and me both. I really have to tread carefully any time I even try to have a friendly, civilized conversation with her, because anything could set her off. She seems to think if I or my mom disagree with her on the slightest thing, we're somehow trying to imply she's dumb and doesn't know anything.
> 
> Just this past Friday, I had spent Thanksgiving with them and spent the night. My sister went grocery shopping and bought a pizza for lunch. As she was cutting it, we got into a spitting match over the subject of pizza cutters of all things. I was trying to tell her about a certain unique kind I have when she cut me off saying she'd seen them before and they looked just like any other. I knew that wasn't so and I politely and humorously pressed the point.
> 
> Kablooey!!!! Off she went.
> 
> I said a couple of rather harsh things in response, she told me to shut up and leave.
> 
> Needless to say, it cast a pall on the whole holiday.



What would happen if your sister went to live with her in-laws instead? Does your mom need someone to be there all the time?


----------



## anodyne

Victor Meldrew, Being the care-giver of an aged parent or parents is an extremely difficult and highly stressful job. It can be all-consuming and terribly frustrating. Care-givers often feel underappreciated (because they are) and can be very sensitive indeed, particularly, I should think, when they have provided a holiday meal for siblings and/or other able-bodied family members who are not sharing the responsibility of care-giving or, at least, providing support of the care-giver. I would have so loved an occasional weekend off during the years I was my parents full-time care-giver, and an annual two-week vacation should not have been out of the question. (alas...)

To the poster, I stopped thinking of my kids as *my kids* when they married. Sure, I brought them into the world, but they are *other adults* now, and I treat them as such. If either of them said something disrespectful to me, I would react the way I would if it came from any adult. Fortunately, that has never happened. But maybe since I don't think of them as my kids, I'm not as sensitive to that sort of thing. ikd.


----------



## Wilberforce

At some point I would suggest that you stop walking on egg shells and just be yourself, polite of course, don't try to turn yourself inside out, set some boundaries and use phrases like " I am not comfortable with this conversation/situation or what ever and if the person persists excuse yourself and leave the room. It is hard at first but it gets easier and you have your personal control back. In the sister situation the problem is purely hers, don't be drawn in, she can't argue or try to manipulate a situation if you won't engage or if you are not there. Believe me this really truly works, after a while she will get the message and might just stop pressing your buttons, she may also give you a wide berth but again that is her problem. After you have left the room a few times and she gets the point  all you need to say is "  time for me to leave"  then immediately go. It is incredibly empowering.

Good Luck Jeannine


----------



## Victor Meldrew

BlondieBoomer said:


> What would happen if your sister went to live with her in-laws instead? Does your mom need someone to be there all the time?



My mom can take care of herself inside the house in terms of making her meals and bathing, etc. She uses a walker to get around the house. She can't drive anywhere, though. She has a housekeeper come in once a week because my sister isn't about to lift a finger dusting, vacuuming or mopping. She does the dishes and takes out the trash as needed and that's about it. 

My mom needs her there to take her to her doctors appointments and do the shopping. Also, just for general looking out for. Honestly, if my mom had someone to do her shopping, run her to the doctor and the bank and help her make sure the bills get paid and so forth, she could live alone. But there's nobody close by to do those things so my sister needs to be there. Besides, I don't think my sister wants to live with those people either. Not sure if she knows what she wants.


----------



## Victor Meldrew

anodyne said:


> Victor Meldrew, Being the care-giver of an aged parent or parents is an extremely difficult and highly stressful job. It can be all-consuming and terribly frustrating. Care-givers often feel underappreciated (because they are) and can be very sensitive indeed, particularly, I should think, when they have provided a holiday meal for siblings and/or other able-bodied family members who are not sharing the responsibility of care-giving or, at least, providing support of the care-giver. I would have so loved an occasional weekend off during the years I was my parents full-time care-giver, and an annual two-week vacation should not have been out of the question. (alas...)
> 
> To the poster, I stopped thinking of my kids as *my kids* when they married. Sure, I brought them into the world, but they are *other adults* now, and I treat them as such. If either of them said something disrespectful to me, I would react the way I would if it came from any adult. Fortunately, that has never happened. But maybe since I don't think of them as my kids, I'm not as sensitive to that sort of thing. ikd.



My sister doesn't do much in the way of "caregiving". Mostly she spends the day on Facebook. She also doesn't provide any holiday meals unless you call going to Walmart and picking up the deli platter, sub rolls, lettuce tomato etc, fixing a meal.

The day after TG, she picked up a premade pizza and put it in the oven.

She's not overworking herself by any means.


----------



## maplebeez

Marty, this situation doesn't only occur in mother-daughter relationships......I have the same problems with an adult sister, who constantly picks & finds fault with everything I say or do. Should someone happen to agree with something I say, compliments me about a new outfit or praises a dish I've cooked, she can't resist making demeaning comments. She's even told me, I'm to blame for my health problems.  If I've learned anything about these kinds of relationships, it's that one person enjoys exerting power & control over someone else. Our father treated our mother the same terrible way.


----------



## Wilberforce

Don't forget most of the folks who treat other folks with constant put downs  and demeaning comments would pride themselves on their honesty, personal  I would acknowledge their gift of always speaking what they think face to face but also remind them they have zero  people skills!!


----------

