# Is your relationship with your grown children what you want it to be?



## Babsinbloom65 (Jan 31, 2016)

One of the things I'm trying to find my way in during my senior years is a better relationship with my adult daughters. I am so proud of them and what they have accomplished in their lives, they all have families of their own and good careers. I'm in their lives alot as Granny and helping with my grandchildren but what I'm looking for is some one to one time with my daughters. It's a touchy subject...I don't want them to feel like I'm trying to lay a guilt trip on them to spend time with me and yet it sure would be nice to have woman to woman time with my daughters too. Where is your relationship with your adult children? Any suggestions for me?


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## oldman (Jan 31, 2016)

We have two children; one daughter and one son. My daughter and wife are best friends and are as they say, as thick as thieves. IOW, I am often kept out of the loop. My son and I are close, but not so much that we don't have other best friends. My dad, OTOH, and I were best friends. It has its good and bad points. My dad was a career military man and I served four years in the Marines. My son decided not to serve, which disappointed me, but did not effect our relationship. I wanted my son to become a pilot like I was, but he instead decided he wanted to be a computer guru. To each his own, I guess.

I think relationships with our kids are like any relationship we make, we have to work at it to be what we want it to be and hope that both want the same thing. I have found that as a parent, sometimes we (I) can get too close and learn information that I really did not want to know. I want my kids to come to me with any problem that they may have, but not to expect me to be able to solve every problem that they have. Does that make sense? IOW, I may not be able to resolve their problem, but perhaps I may be able to give them some guidance to help them resolve it. After all, they are not children anymore, so Mom and Dad should not be looked upon as being thee place to go for all of their answers to all of their problems. However, through our wisdom and perhaps having had some of the same problems that they may be experiencing, we may be able to guide them or share information as to how we would handle the situation. 

My daughter said one time, "Dad, I thought that I would ask you a question about whatever because you seem to know everything." Funny how that worked out. I told her the same thing when she was 16.


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## Babsinbloom65 (Jan 31, 2016)

_'I think relationships with our kids are like any relationship we make, we have to work at it to be what we want it to be and hope that both want the same thing.'_

Thanks for your input oldman.  I think that "hope that both want the same thing" part is a part of where the problem is with my daughters. They seem to want me as Granny in their lives to help with the Grandkids (which I don't mind doing) but I want more than that, I want them to see me as a woman who wants to spend time with them as women. I don't want to be their best friend or even their confidant (unless they want to share something with me) but I do want a relationship with them besides Mom and Granny.


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## Bobw235 (Jan 31, 2016)

We only have one son and seven years ago he moved over to England after marrying a British woman.  The relationship is mostly good, but there are moments when he disappoints us in some way.  I feel like even though he's a grown man in his 30s, I still need to provide guidance.  Recently my wife's father passed away.  Our son did not come home for the funeral, which given the distance and expense wasn't unexpected.  But he hurt the feelings of his mother and aunt by not reaching out in the wake of their father's death to see how they were doing emotionally.  I had to have a heart to heart with him about perceptions and feelings and how his actions impact those close to him.  I'll never stop giving him advice and I think he welcomes it sometimes.  Bottom line is that he knows he can turn to us for counsel anytime he needs it.  Bottom line is that the relationship is good, we have a solid bond, but there are always things that could be better.


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## Bluecheese50 (Jan 31, 2016)

I have an excellent relationship with my three birth daughters. We can laugh and joke at each other's expense, which is great. They seem to be fond of this senile old bat!


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## QuickSilver (Jan 31, 2016)

I think I have a good relationship with both my grown sons..  One is single.. the other married with 3 children.   Both relationships are very different though.   I am very close to my older single son...   My relationship with my younger married son is not as close... due to his wife... but we have learned to work around her and have a relationship, while not ideal.. is very acceptable to both of us. I would have liked to be closed to my grandchildren... but have accepted that it's the way it is.. and I'm content with it.


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## Bobw235 (Jan 31, 2016)

QuickSilver said:


> My relationship with my younger married son is not as close... due to his wife... but we have learned to work around her and have a relationship, while not ideal.. is very acceptable to both of us. I would have liked to be closed to my grandchildren... but have accepted that it's the way it is.. and I'm content with it.



Same here.  It's tough and it has caused us to question how often we'd want to travel over to England to see our son and the grandchildren, simply because our daughter-in-law makes things so uncomfortable and tense.


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## QuickSilver (Jan 31, 2016)

Bobw235 said:


> Same here.  It's tough and it has caused us to question how often we'd want to travel over to England to see our son and the grandchildren, simply because our daughter-in-law makes things so uncomfortable and tense.



I completely understand Bob.. and I empathize..   I finally just gave up trying to figure it out and now accept it for what it is..  How old are your Grandkids?   If old enough would she allow them to travel to spend some time with you and your wife?    Probably not...   My GKS live 30 miles from me and I have never even been allowed to babysit.. or take my granddaughter shopping... I only get to see them when my son brings them over...  usually about 4 or 5 times a year for an afternoon.   As I said... I have accepted it and it was very difficult for a while... but it's ok now.   I know so many paternal grandparents who are not even allowed to see their son's children.. so I consider myself lucky.


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## Bobw235 (Jan 31, 2016)

QuickSilver said:


> I completely understand Bob.. and I empathize..   I finally just gave up trying to figure it out and now accept it for what it is..  How old are your Grandkids?   If old enough would she allow them to travel to spend some time with you and your wife?    Probably not...



Our grandson will be five this year and his sister will turn 3.  In June last year we rented a home in England for two weeks and had our son, DIL and he kids stay with us.  We got to watch the kids.....alone....for all of about three hours one night.  Them coming over here to visit is a dream for down the road.  I also want to go over and have my son and grandson join me on a tour of Scotland.  Kind of a male bonding adventure.  One can dream.  But my DIL is the ever-present obstacle.


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## QuickSilver (Jan 31, 2016)

Bobw235 said:


> Our grandson will be five this year and his sister will turn 3.  In June last year we rented a home in England for two weeks and had our son, DIL and he kids stay with us.  We got to watch the kids.....alone....for all of about three hours one night.  Them coming over here to visit is a dream for down the road.  I also want to go over and have my son and grandson join me on a tour of Scotland.  Kind of a male bonding adventure.  One can dream.  But my DIL is the ever-present obstacle.



Well, if it's any consolation to you Bob... your situation is much more common than you think... There are entire support sites dedicated to Paternal grandparents experiencing this problem...  There are ALSO entire forums of DILS that are dedicated to the hatred of their husband's parents  ESPECIALLY his mother..   One site even has the odious name..  "My MIL is a Crapburger"   If you can believe that...  I believe it's on cafemom..     I have given up trying to make sense of the senseless..  From what I have been able to figure is that a lot of young women see their MIL as almost "the other woman" from which to defend their relationship with their husbands...   I personally think it's an insecurity and jealousy... which of course makes no sense.... but it's real...  and unfortunately it tears families apart.

By the way... here's from poisonous sites like this exist...

http://www.cafemom.com/group/32665


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## jujube (Jan 31, 2016)

I would like a better relationship with my daughter.  We get along fine but we're not "close".  

I attribute a lot of that to her present husband, who did everything he could do for years to alienate her from her family, including trying to keep my granddaughter away from us.  He is very controlling.  I've just always tried to keep channels open and have been very civil to him (out of necessity, not because I _wanted_ to be).  He wasn't successful with separating us from our granddaughter because we had an excellent relationship with my daughter's first husband, the granddaughter's father.  

It is what it is......at least we are "friendly" these days and I'm very, very close to my granddaughter and hope to always be.


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## Babsinbloom65 (Jan 31, 2016)

jujube said:


> I would like a better relationship with my daughter.  We get along fine but we're not "close".
> 
> I attribute a lot of that to her present husband, who did everything he could do for years to alienate her from her family, including trying to keep my granddaughter away from us.  He is very controlling.  I've just always tried to keep channels open and have been very civil to him (out of necessity, not because I _wanted_ to be).  He wasn't successful with separating us from our granddaughter because we had an excellent relationship with my daughter's first husband, the granddaughter's father.
> 
> It is what it is......at least we are "friendly" these days and I'm very, very close to my granddaughter and hope to always be.



I can relate as my oldest daughter's husband has been the same way so we usually only get together on either Christmas or Thanksgiving. His parents both died long before my daughter and he married and he felt if he didn't have any family, then my daughter shouldn't have any either. This has brought much sadness to our lives. My other two daughters and I have good relationships just hardly any time together. Their lives are so busy with jobs, raising families, being good wives, and taking care of their homes, etc. that they don't even have time for theirselves much less me. I miss them though and wish we could find a way to see each other a little more often.


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## fureverywhere (Jan 31, 2016)

My oldest boy has a job with long hours n' long commute then he cares for Mr. Baby until his wife comes home. The best way to see them is getting together to eat out once in awhile. I wish I could see Mr. Baby more but hey they've got it under control.


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## Arachne (Jan 31, 2016)

I have a good but oft time touchy relationship with my married daughter. Currently she and her husband are living with me, while they save for a house. When she was young I babied her and yes I gave her everything she asked for. Now as an adult she can be very selfish and spiteful at least to her mother. Yet, there are other times when she and I are best friends. I blame her being a Scorpio and myself a Taurus. Now with my oldest a boy, I am not as close as I would like to be. Of course he is married and I had to give up being the only woman in his life. BTW hes a Scorpio too, yet a less tempered one as my daughter. Still I am able to get some alone time with him and go out for lunches which helps greatly to keep me happy. But things are about to change as he is about to have his first child. Which will make me a first time granny. The lunches will give way to a new dynamic with the peanut joining us. I hope the lunches will continue, but I know the ones of our special time together are drawing to a close. Bittersweet.. But in the end the relationship is changing and I will adapt and be happy. So yes, it is the best it can be and I am blessed..


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## Linda (Jan 31, 2016)

I get along pretty good with my adult children.
This is our only daughter and she's 45.  We get along pretty well but we are a lot alike so have some personality clashes at times.  Certain things we don't talk about because we are in such total disagreement on.  We disagree on gun control, politics, tattoos, driving in traffic (I sit in the back seat as my griping the door handles make her nervous).  We get along most of the time real well and have a lot of the same hobbies and interests.  We are in touch with each other every day no matter where we are.  We live about 220 miles from each other.  She is a lot braver than I am.  She's once drove clear across the US and back alone just so she could.  Probably cause I told her a woman shouldn't be out traveling alone.  She took a yellow plastic duck with her and took photos of him all over the place, including floating down a stream.  She drove from the west coast to the east coast and then visited her brother for 1 day and then drove up to Virginia and then back to California.  She called me on the phone and let me know she was safely in her motel room each night so I could go to sleep too.   She said she felt safe and happy everywhere except for New Orleans, where she picked up a lot of sadness in the air.  She plans to go back but with her husband next time, preferably during Mardi-gras.


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## Linda (Jan 31, 2016)

Arachne said:


> I have a good but oft time touchy relationship with my married daughter. Currently she and her husband are living with me, while they save for a house. When she was young I babied her and yes I gave her everything she asked for. Now as an adult she can be very selfish and spiteful at least to her mother. Yet, there are other times when she and I are best friends. I blame her being a Scorpio and myself a Taurus. Now with my oldest a boy, I am not as close as I would like to be. Of course he is married and I had to give up being the only woman in his life. BTW hes a Scorpio too, yet a less tempered one as my daughter. Still I am able to get some alone time with him and go out for lunches which helps greatly to keep me happy. But things are about to change as he is about to have his first child. Which will make me a first time granny. The lunches will give way to a new dynamic with the peanut joining us. I hope the lunches will continue, but I know the ones of our special time together are drawing to a close. Bittersweet.. But in the end the relationship is changing and I will adapt and be happy. So yes, it is the best it can be and I am blessed..


My daughter is also a Scorpio and I am a Capricorn.  One thing about the lunches with your son, he may enjoy them as much as you do and will want them to continue.  But there is nothing like a grandchild to bring you joy and happiness.  You will probably prefer to stay with the baby than go out to lunch.


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## Linda (Jan 31, 2016)

QuickSilver said:


> Well, if it's any consolation to you Bob... your situation is much more common than you think... There are entire support sites dedicated to Paternal grandparents experiencing this problem...  There are ALSO entire forums of DILS that are dedicated to the hatred of their husband's parents  ESPECIALLY his mother..   One site even has the odious name..  "My MIL is a Crapburger"   If you can believe that...  I believe it's on cafemom..     I have given up trying to make sense of the senseless..  From what I have been able to figure is that a lot of young women see their MIL as almost "the other woman" from which to defend their relationship with their husbands...   I personally think it's an insecurity and jealousy... which of course makes no sense.... but it's real...  and unfortunately it tears families apart.
> 
> By the way... here's from poisonous sites like this exist...
> 
> http://www.cafemom.com/group/32665



I didn't click on this link but just hearing about it is horrible.  I had no idea sites like this existed.  I have been lucky and close to all my daughter and son-in-laws except one son-in-law who didn't like anyone (even himself).  I am still friends with my daughter's first husband and her currant (and LAST I think) husband and 3 x-daughter-in-laws.  2 I see on a regular basis.


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## mitchezz (Jan 31, 2016)

I see way too much of my son.........he lives with me! He has Autism so our relationship can be tricky but we live together peacefully most of the time.

At present my daughter is on a 12 month (maybe longer) working holiday........she's in Austin Texas atm.

We have a good relationship as we have very similar interests and likes. She is a very honest and up front person so any resentments or misunderstandings aren't allowed to fester and we have them out more or less straight away and then we move on. 

I really like her boyfriend/partner and we get on well. They've been together 12 years and he treats her well which is all that matters to me. My only complaint is that they should come home and make me a Nana ASAP.


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## Babsinbloom65 (Jan 31, 2016)

Arachne said:


> I have a good but oft time touchy relationship with my married daughter. Currently she and her husband are living with me, while they save for a house. When she was young I babied her and yes I gave her everything she asked for. Now as an adult she can be very selfish and spiteful at least to her mother. Yet, there are other times when she and I are best friends. I blame her being a Scorpio and myself a Taurus. Now with my oldest a boy, I am not as close as I would like to be. Of course he is married and I had to give up being the only woman in his life. BTW hes a Scorpio too, yet a less tempered one as my daughter. Still I am able to get some alone time with him and go out for lunches which helps greatly to keep me happy. But things are about to change as he is about to have his first child. Which will make me a first time granny. The lunches will give way to a new dynamic with the peanut joining us. I hope the lunches will continue, but I know the ones of our special time together are drawing to a close. Bittersweet.. But in the end the relationship is changing and I will adapt and be happy. So yes, it is the best it can be and I am blessed..[/QUOTE
> 
> You will love being a Granny!  We are blessed with nine grandchildren and I hope there will be many more to come.


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## Linda (Jan 31, 2016)

mitchezz said:


> I see way too much of my son.........he lives with me! He has Autism so our relationship can be tricky but we live together peacefully most of the time.
> 
> At present my daughter is on a 12 month (maybe longer) working holiday........she's in Austin Texas atm.
> 
> ...


You're doing good mitchezz and your daughter sounds like a special gal.


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## Linda (Feb 22, 2016)

bump


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## Debby (Feb 29, 2016)

Babsinbloom65 said:


> _'I think relationships with our kids are like any relationship we make, we have to work at it to be what we want it to be and hope that both want the same thing.'_
> 
> Thanks for your input oldman.  I think that "hope that both want the same thing" part is a part of where the problem is with my daughters. They seem to want me as Granny in their lives to help with the Grandkids (which I don't mind doing) but I want more than that, I want them to see me as a woman who wants to spend time with them as women. I don't want to be their best friend or even their confidant (unless they want to share something with me) but I do want a relationship with them besides Mom and Granny.




If their kids are little it might just be a case of them not having enough time to give everyone undivided attention.  Spread too thin.  Could that be the case?  I remember what it was like when I was a youngish mom with little kids and church duties and homework and school functions and day to day stuff.  You could have added another 24 hours to my day and I still wouldn't get it all done, nor did I have enough energy for what I did do.  

Maybe the best you'll be able to do for now is be available and keep the doors open so that when they have time to take a breathe, you pop into their minds and cause them to smile.  And then, maybe they'll call you to meet them for coffee.


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## Warrigal (Feb 29, 2016)

My grandchildren are all grown up now and my daughter has a very challenging job as Nurse Unit Manager for a dental/surgical unit in a large public hospital. She is also studying for a qualification in Leadership and Frontline Management. I don't see her all that often.

She has asked me to go to the movies with her today to see the latest Star Wars movie which she missed out on when it was first released. Everyone else in the family has seen it, and so have I but I welcome the time to spend some one on one time with my daughter so I jumped at the opportunity.

When the original Star Wars movie first appeared she was a young girl and we watched it together. Now she is 52 and I am 73 and we are together again watching a movie side by side, although this time it will be Gold Class.

Life is good, very good and I am happy.


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## fishfulthinking (Mar 4, 2016)

I have excellent relations with my grown daughters.  My oldest is 2 hours away in a small town, she has all the grand kids.  We don't see them often but we talk on the phone.  I am closest to her emotionally and spiritually.  Youngest still is living with me, her and her fiancé.  We see each other daily, and we are close that way.  But rarely are we emotionally attached.  Though hubby says we both have the same temper lol.
As for Hubby's children, zero bond. Sadly.


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## Underock1 (Mar 4, 2016)

Babsinbloom65 said:


> One of the things I'm trying to find my way in during my senior years is a better relationship with my adult daughters. I am so proud of them and what they have accomplished in their lives, they all have families of their own and good careers. I'm in their lives alot as Granny and helping with my grandchildren but what I'm looking for is some one to one time with my daughters. It's a touchy subject...I don't want them to feel like I'm trying to lay a guilt trip on them to spend time with me and yet it sure would be nice to have woman to woman time with my daughters too. Where is your relationship with your adult children? Any suggestions for me?



I think you have it right. "It would be nice", but life does what it does. They are busy with their own lives. No matter how much they love us, we simply are not central to their lives any more. You have a good thing going as "Granny". Enjoy that. Not everyone gets that as you can read in the other posts. Avoid the guilt trip by all means! I have a good relationship with my son. Living alone, I get to see him one on one for about an hour once every two weeks or so. Having lost his mother and younger brother within the past year, we share some things, but there is always the generational thing. We can not make life fit our wishes. Enjoy what you have.


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## Pandee (Apr 27, 2016)

My daughter is no longer close . We used to be best friends, but since her dad passed away she has become very critical of anything I say or do. I have learned it is best to keep all conversation with her very generic otherwise she turns every conversation into a put down.I have a friend who is experiencing the exact same situation with her daughter, and my step daughter has a very confrontational relationship with her mother. I have seen many posts on the internet from both mothers and daughters so it is not uncommon. My daughter and my friends daughter are both in their 30's.


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## fureverywhere (Apr 27, 2016)

See my two estranged girls...dead to me on one plain...but even today Betty Boop accessories and the eldest she's still there. The middle girl burned enough bridges that Mami feels used. But my son's and the youngest girl very close in a way.


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## Lon (Apr 27, 2016)

I have just one child and could not be any happier for my relationship with her. She is now a grand mother of three and soon to be four. My relationship with three adult grand children is equally as happy.


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## fureverywhere (Apr 27, 2016)

One site I totally recommend for some of us with less than happy stories..."Estranged Stories"...my name is Paul there.


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