# Just senior humor



## Marie5656




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## Marie5656




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## Marie5656




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## Marie5656




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## RadishRose




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## Marie5656




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## Ken N Tx




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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes




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## Pappy




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## Keesha

Pappy said:


> View attachment 58190




:lofl: This happened to Mr. Keeshas aunt . She had visit half the town before someone actually told her. 
Its a bit frightening but luckily she didn’t realize anything was wrong


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## Sassycakes




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## SeaBreeze




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## Sassycakes

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, 
take 40 different medications that 
make me dizzy, winded, and subject t o blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
 Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
 Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.​​


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## SeaBreeze




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## IKE




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## Pappy




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## Marie5656

Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, were excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Bob suggested they go in. Bob asked to speak to the *pharmacist*. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, "Do you sell heart medication?" "Of course we do," the pharmacist replied. "Medicine for *rheumatism*?" "Definitely," he said. "How about ********?" "Of course." "Medicine for memory problems, *arthritis*, jaundice?" "Yes, the works." "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, *antacids*?"  "Absolutely." "Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?" "All speeds and sizes." "Good," Bob said to the pharmacist. *"We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."*​


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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## Ken N Tx




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## Pappy




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## Ken N Tx




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## Sassycakes




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## Sassycakes




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## Marie5656




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## C'est Moi




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## C'est Moi




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## SeaBreeze




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## C'est Moi




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## C'est Moi




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## C'est Moi




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## Ken N Tx




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## Pappy




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## Marie5656




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pappy




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## raido ear

Perfect, thanks


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes

*Helping The Economy*

In order to help jump-start the U.S. economy, the INS has announced that this year they will stop focusing on illegal aliens, and begin the deportation of retired people. It's predicted that this will not only help lower health care entitlement costs, but it turns out that retirees are much easier to catch. Plus, they rarely can remember how to get back home.​


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## SeaBreeze




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## Ken N Tx




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## Butterfly

Marie5656 said:


> View attachment 60232



LOVE it!


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## Pappy

Not dirty...I promise.


This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship. " The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat. " The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft. "Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette? " "Ten years! ", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good! " Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey? " He replies, "Ten years! " She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic! " Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun? "And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there! "


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes

Revision of 60s and 70s songs...
They just don't make the 				songs like they used to any more!!!!!!!
Some of the artists 				of the 60's and 70's are revising their hits with new lyrics to 				accommodate 
aging baby boomers who can remember doing the 				"Limbo" as if it were yesterday. They include:

Bobby 				Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
Herman's Hermits 				- Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr - I Get 				By With A Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees - How Can You 				Mend A Broken Hip
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I 				Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
				Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores - 				Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
Procol Harem - A 				Whiter Shade Of Hair
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like 				Napping
The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
Abba - 				Denture Queen
Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If 				You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
				Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To
				And Last but NOT least...
Willie Nelson - On the Commode 				Again​


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes

A drunken old man walks into a biker bar. 



He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, and leans over. Then he looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says,
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says,
"I got it on with your grandma, and she is good. The best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says...
"Grandpa. GO HOME.


​


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## Sassycakes

*A Bad Dream?*

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?' 'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her a small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand 
rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.​


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## Pappy




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## Gary O'




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## Sassycakes

As the hostess at the casino  buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my  husband, who would be joining me  momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ...”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”



​ 

 
_ ​_​


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## Gary O'




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## Gary O'




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## Sassycakes

*Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives.  When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.*

*One day Frank said, "Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school.  Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."*

*Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, "Frank you've been my best friend for many years.  If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."*

*Shortly after that, Leo passed away.  A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Frank.. Frank '......*

*"Who is it?" asked Frank sitting up suddenly.  "Who is it?"*

*"Leo-- it's me, Leo."*

*"You're not Leo, Leo just died."*

*"I'm telling you, it's me, Leo," insisted the voice.*

*"Leo!..Where are you?"*

*"In Heaven," replied Leo. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."*

*"Tell me the good news first," said Frank.*

*"The good news,"  Leo said, "is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again.  Better still, it's  always springtime, and it never rains or snows.  And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."*

*"That's fantastic," said Frank. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!*
*So what's the bad news?"




*

*"You're pitching Tuesday."*


_________________
​


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## Marie5656




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## Sassycakes

[FONT=Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif]I am old now and I still haven't found out who let the Dogs Out...where's the beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop......why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton... Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors... i still don't understand why there is Braille on drive up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word; or why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ....and what would you do for a Klondike bar and you know as soon as you bite into it it falls apart...and Why do we drive on Parkways and park on Driveways? do you really think I am this witty?? ... I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, uncle's cousin's, baby momma's doctor who lived next door to an old class mate's mail man.​[/FONT]


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## Pappy




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## SeaBreeze




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## Sassycakes




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pappy




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## Pappy




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## CeeCee




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pappy




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## Gary O'




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## Pappy

Hoo Rah......


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## Furryanimal




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## Furryanimal




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## Tedwalker

A Red Skelton joke:
There are three signs of old age:
Loss of memory, I forget the other two.


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## Pappy

Bob Hope got a in little trouble when he said on tv:

If the bathing suits get any smaller, there’ll be more hair to comb and more cheeks to powder.


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady ...
... struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. 
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together 
the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the 
river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, 
and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made 
mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they 
finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, 
when soon they came upon another fork in the river. 
He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love 
to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to 
go fishing again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they
 came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down." 

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river 
when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every 
time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me.
 Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were sex or drown."


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## C'est Moi




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## Sassycakes

C'est Moi said:


>


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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see 
over the dashboard. Cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing my mind. I swear we just 
went through a red light." 

A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, 
and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. 
This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure 
that the light had been red but was really concerned that 
she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided 
to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see 
what was going on. 

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely 
red, and yet they went right through. She turned to the woman 
driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through 
three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" 

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"​


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## Sassycakes

Jail
In a crazy kind of way... this makes a little sense!! Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, 
dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, plus an exercise outdoor yard with gardens.
Each senior could have a P.C., a T.V., radio, and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. 
Since they're older people in the rooms, fewer guards would be required thus - saving the taxpayers millions.
The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room, pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.


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## Marie5656




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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes

DEAR GRANDSON

 I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.

 As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

 What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

 Love, Grandma

 PS The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"​


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## Aunt Bea




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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## Pappy

A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says “man, how’d you get such a short piano player.” The bartender says in response” there’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says “what just happened” the bartender replies “the genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12 inch pianist?”


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## toffee




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## SeaBreeze




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## Ken N Tx




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## Pappy




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## Aunt Bea




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## Pappy




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## Aunt Bea




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## Ken N Tx

.


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## MarkinPhx




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## RadishRose

MarkinPhx said:


> View attachment 62872


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## Sassycakes

Ken N Tx said:


> .
> View attachment 62857



:lol1::lol1::lol1:


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## Ken N Tx




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## Ken N Tx




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## SeaBreeze




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## Olivia




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## Ken N Tx




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## Furryanimal

From the Onion
BALTIMORE—According to a study released Wednesday by sociologists at Johns Hopkins University, an increasing number of parents across the country are relying on their own mothers and fathers to help them muck up their children. “As economic concerns prompt more parents to work longer hours, many are turning to grandparents to assist them in crushing their children’s self-esteem and shaping them into confused, maladjusted adults,” said lead author Dr. Janine Thompkins, who noted that four in 10 grandparents are currently the family’s primary insult-givers to children. “Parents like knowing that while they’re at work, a trusted family member is satisfactorily filling in for them by shouting at their kids in line at the pharmacy or criticizing their weight in front of their friends. And we found that, in most cases, children emerge just as mucked up and traumatized from a grandparent’s constant belittlement as compared to that from their own mother or father.” Researchers noted that many cash-strapped families are receiving added relief from subsidized child care programs, which allow parents to drop off young children at local community centers to be mucked up by underpaid, uninterested daycare workers.
​Some words have been edited to keep it clean!!


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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes

Two elderly ladies meet at the market after not seeing each other for some time. 
One asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Rodger died last week. 
He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack 
and dropped dead right there in the vegetable patch." 
"Oh dear, I'm sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"  
"Opened a can of peas instead."
________________________________________



  A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office. Within minutes, 
she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be. 
A man in the waiting room, who had been watching her, said in amazement, 
"My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?" 
The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane."

_________________________________________________


An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband - 
"I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" 
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"


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## SeaBreeze




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## Sassycakes




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## Aunt Bea




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## Sassycakes

A senior couple pulls up to a rest stop to get something to eat.

Waiter: "How may I help you?"

Elderly Man: "Two hamburgers, please."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked what we wanted and I told him 'Two hamburgers'!"

Waiter: "So, where are you heading?"

Elderly Man: "To Chicago to see our grandchildren."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the grandkids!"

Waiter: "It sure is a nice day for a drive."

Elderly Man: "Yes, it's been quite pleasant."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He said it's good weather!"

Waiter: "Where are you coming from?"

Elderly Man: "We started our trip from Pittsburgh."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh!"

Waiter: "I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and couldn't cook if her life depended on it."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He says he knows you!"​


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## Ken N Tx




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## Ken N Tx




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## Pappy




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## Ruthanne




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## Ken N Tx




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## Sassycakes

A man sits reading his paper when his wife enters the house; she approaches 
him in a most provocative manner. "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar 
bill all crumpled up?" 
she asks in a soft sweet voice. Not knowing what to make of this 
situation he replies "No." Pursing her lips she give him a sexy 
little smile, reaches into her cleavage and slowly pulls out a 
crumpled twenty dollar bill.
Then stepping closer in she asks in a low sexy voice 
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" 
Intrigued he answers "Uh, no."
She gives him another sexy little smile, seductively reaches 
into her panties and ever so slowly removes a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now" she says as she leans down and whispers "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars 
all crumpled up?" Totally confused and excited he stammers "No-o-o-o-o." 
"Well" she whispers in his ear, "then go look in the garage..."


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## SeaBreeze




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## Ken N Tx

> Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

> #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

> #8 Life is sexually transmitted.

> #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

> #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

> #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

> #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

> #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

> #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

> #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.


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## SeaBreeze




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## Ken N Tx




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## SeaBreeze




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## Sassycakes




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## SeaBreeze




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## Pappy




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## wvnewbie

The WD-40 ad is a fake.  Check it out on SNOPES if you want...  I spotted it as phony looking at the "WD 40" without the dash.  And all the print lines up which doesn't happen on age3d crinkled paper.


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## SeaBreeze




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## Aunt Bea




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## Sassycakes

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, 
is shocked when the woman's doctor 
says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right,
 and never, EVER have sex again - the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, 
and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the 
stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. 
"I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!


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## Sassycakes




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## Ken N Tx




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## RadishRose




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes

You Know You Are Old When...Death 
You know you are old when you don’t think about dying because it’s the last thing you want to do.
You know you are old when eating right and exercising means you’re going die anyway.
You know you are old when you live each day as it was your last. You’ll get it right someday.
You know you are old when you read the obituary to check on your friends.
You Know You Are Old When... Retirement 
You know you are old when your investment in health insurance has paid off.
You know you are old when you say goodbye to tension and hello to pension.
You know you are old when your only problem with retirement is that you never get a day off.
You know you are old when you get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You Know You Are Old When... Relationships 
You know you are old when you still got it, but don’t know what to do with it.
You know you are old when you see a cute guy and start to calculate if you could be his mom.
You know you are old when you keep some people’s numbers just so you know not to answer.

You Know You Are Old When... Memory 
You know you are old when you speed because you don’t want to forget where you’re going.
You know you are old when you’ve been diagnosed with CRS: Can’t remember shit.
You know you are old when you stop searching for the meaning of life to focus on searching for your car keys. 
You know you are old when you just smile and nod after asking, “What?You know you are old when you look down at your watch three consecutive times and still don’t know what time it is.
You know you are old when your secrets are safe with your friends…because they won’t remember them.
You know you are old when you buy pills to improve your memory but forget where you put them.
You know you are old when your brain cells are down to a manageable size.


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## Gary O'

I've somehow missed this thread

seems an occasional poster of mine would come into play here, at times


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## Ken N Tx




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## Aunt Bea

Celibacy

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,
“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy. layful:nthego:


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## RadishRose




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## SeaBreeze




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## Ken N Tx




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## Pappy




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## RadishRose




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## rcleary171

I like the look of the guy in the other bed reading the mag. Good stuff!


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## SeaBreeze




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## Pink Biz




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## Wren

View attachment 65834


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## Ken N Tx




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## Sassycakes




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## Ken N Tx




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## Marie5656




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## RadishRose




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## Sassycakes




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## Ken N Tx




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## Sassycakes




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## Falcon

:hee:


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## Aunt Bea

*Here is a classic. *layful:nthego:*

I was working out at the gym when I *
*spotted a sweet young thing walking in.*

*I asked the trainer standing next to me, *
*"What machine should I use to impress *
*that lady over there?"*

*The trainer looked me over and said, *
*"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."*


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## Pappy




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## Ken N Tx

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing behind the
counter is a young woman.
“May I speak to the pharmacist?” he asks.
“Well,” she replies, “I am the pharmacist.”
He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a *male* pharmacist, as he has a
“male problem.”
She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular
establishment.
He blushes and says, “Well, I really do need help, so I guess I’ll ask you…
I have a problem. I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid
of it. It’s been like this for three months now. Can you give me anything for
it?”
The woman looks thoughtful, and says, “Hold on, I’ll go in back and ask my
sister.”
After a couple of minutes she returns and says, “We’ll give you half of the
business and it’s profits, but that’s all we can give you for it…”


----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Sassycakes

An elderly couple is in a dingy theater, watching a porn movie over and over.
 After the last showing of the day, the usher who is cleaning the theater can’t resist saying to them
“You folks must have really enjoyed the show.” “Not at all,” the elderly gent says. 
“It was disgusting.” “Revolting,” add his wife. “Then why did you sit through it so many times?” 
“We had to! We had to wait until the house lights came up,” the wife responds.
 “We couldn’t find my underpants, and my husband’s teeth were in them.”


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Sassycakes

Ken N Tx said:


> View attachment 66370




:lol1::lol1:


----------



## Pappy




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## Pappy




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Whenever asked, "How are you doing?"....

the gentleman, who was born in 1947, responds, 

"Pretty darn good, considering 72 years ago I couldn't  walk !​


----------



## Sassycakes

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. 
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. 
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are 
so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. 
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. 
Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: ! 
Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long
When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. 
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. 
She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, 
which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. 
You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Ken N Tx

@Sassycakes  good one,,


----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Seeker




----------



## Sassycakes

A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future. The man asked the woman, "What will you do if die?" 

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. 

Then she inquired, "What will you do if I die first?" 

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

And that's how the fight started !


----------



## Furryanimal

*Name Game*An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend it." The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A Carnation?" "No. No. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"No," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, yes that's it," the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## Sassycakes

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. 
The bartender gives her the drink, and she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate 
my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 
"I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The woman says, "Thank you, how sweet of you OK then, Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you a drink too." 
The woman says, "Thank you very much my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink this time, he says, 
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggles and replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. 
Water, however, is a whole other issue!"


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: 
“Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
-
“No”, she replies sleepily.
-
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on 
all by itself. And when I went out of there, 
the light switched off again without me having to do 
anything. I think I’m getting super powers!” 
-
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! 
You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: 
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, 
and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. 
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 
Man: 'What sins?' 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'   
Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .. . . . I'm telling everybody!'


----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## Marie5656

OK, I really want this T shirt.


----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Gary O'




----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose

Some of Inge Look's seniors-


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## fancicoffee13

Marie5656 said:


> View attachment 58178


So cute and very funny!


----------



## fancicoffee13

Marie5656 said:


> Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, were excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Bob suggested they go in. Bob asked to speak to the *pharmacist*. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, "Do you sell heart medication?" "Of course we do," the pharmacist replied. "Medicine for *rheumatism*?" "Definitely," he said. "How about ********?" "Of course." "Medicine for memory problems, *arthritis*, jaundice?" "Yes, the works." "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, *antacids*?"  "Absolutely." "Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?" "All speeds and sizes." "Good," Bob said to the pharmacist. *"We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."*


LOVE this humor board!  Laughter starting my day!!!


----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose

a few more of Inge Look's "Aunties"


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Seeker




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. 
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks 
at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, 
“I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five,
 intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, 
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend,
 and intensely passionate in bed.” 
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, 
“But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?” 
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”


----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## Sassycakes

I went to my WIFES doctor and told him I was going to sue him.
When he asked why I explained that ever since my wife left his care she hasn’t been sexually interested in me.
The doctor said all he done was cataract surgery and now she can see.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## debodun




----------



## Sassycakes

Medicare in a nutshell
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello". "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday,
a Biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
Uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are
Either bad or terrible" "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's,
and The other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which
your Husband's' is." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?"
questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for
these expensive Tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband
off Somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't Sleep with him."


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## debodun

Both sad and funny, Marie, it is so true. The reason I waste weekends sitting out on the porch watching cars racing by my estate sale.


----------



## Marie5656

debodun said:


> Both sad and funny, Marie, it is so true. The reason I waste weekends sitting out on the porch watching cars racing by my estate sale.



Right now I am dealing with not my own parents stuff, but from Rick's parents.  A few pieces of MIL jewelry I am keeping, as they are pretty. But other stuff...I do not know.  I do not have the patience to do a yard sale, so I think I donate.


----------



## debodun

My next-door neighbor is a weekend antique dealer (his day job is high school teacher). He takes his wares to antique shows where he has to pack his van, drive there, unpack, set up, pack the van again, drive home and unpack - labor intensive! He also has pay to sell there, thereby having to pass the extra cost on in his merchandise. He only came over once to my sale and looked at a desk I had out. He didn't buy it. When I ask him for advice, he just smiles smugly and doesn't commit himself. I keep my overhead low by using my own property which is on three main local highways. Interstate 4, State Rt 32 and County Rt 67 all pass by my house.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## JustBonee




----------



## toffee

hahahaha


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## Sassycakes

A Husband reaches Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through
the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were
her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died
before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her-"Hello"
"How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a
wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word",
Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked
her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman
was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while
you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house
you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled
all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today.
I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which word?",
her husband asked. She said...............



"Czechoslovakia."


----------



## Sassycakes

I'm Sorry

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"


----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## RadishRose

SeaBreeze said:


>


What exactly IS a "plugger" anyway?


----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## Ken N Tx

WARNING: OLDER MEN SCAM
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, BJ's, and even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts (It's impossible not to look).. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, twice on the 15th.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. \
Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
Please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## squatting dog




----------



## Sassycakes

*     HusbanD <> WifE ??????????*
*Husband: Oh, come on. 
Wife: Leave me alone! 
Husband: It won't take long. 
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. 
Husband: I can't sleep without it. 
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? 
Husband: Because I'm hot. 
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times. 
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you. 
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate. 
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. 
Husband: Please...go on. 
Wife: All right, I'll do it. 
Husband: What's the matter? You need a flashlight? 
Wife: I can't find it in the dark. 
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it! 
Wife: There! Are you satisfied? 
Husband: Oh, yes. 
Wife: Is it up far enough? 
Husband: Yeah! that's good. 
Wife: Right! Now go to sleep. 
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself. *
*Now, what were you expecting???????*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Ken N Tx

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## win231

A wife says to her husband, "Are you hungry for breakfast?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
A few hours later, she asks, "Do you want to have lunch now?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
Five hours later, she asks, "Well, how about dinner?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
She says, "Get the hell off me....I'm starving."


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years.
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard
a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see," commented the doctor calmly.
"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,
there were 5 more in the bowl," the woman continued.
"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50!.
This morning, there were 100 coins!"
"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you......)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late......delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're simply going through the change"*


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Not in running condition but walks well.
------------------------------------------------------*
*Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone
to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of
breath not a problem.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sexy, fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4 (used to be 5’6)
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
I usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday,
let’s put our two heads together.*
*I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights,
and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.*


----------



## Sassycakes

* Killing time 
A man was questioned about what he did with his time after bidding farewell to full-time employment.
“What do you do now that you are retired?” a friend asked him.*
*“I am fortunate to have a background in chemical engineering and one of the things
I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch and margaritas into urine,” he explained.*

*Adult Children**
John was talking to his parents about life and his plans for the future.
His dad, after many years looking after his grown adult child, had a clear message for his son.
“Son, you’re 30-years-old now and we think it’s time you had your own place,” he began.
“We’ve just paid off our mortgage and we’d like to enjoy our retirement. Do you understand?”
After listening carefully, John replied: “That’s fair enough. I completely understand”.
His parents seemed pleased with the response and told him how proud they were of him
for taking the next step in his life. Equally happy with how the chat went,
John walked away and thought to himself:
“The first thing tomorrow, I’m going to start looking for a nursing home for them”*

*Retirement gifts**
It was Harry’s last day of work before retirement.
His boss wanted to give a speech thanking him for his many years of service.
“Harry is a man who doesn’t know the meaning of impossible task,
who doesn’t know the meaning of lunch break, who doesn’t understand
the meaning of the word no,” he exclaimed. “So we’ve clubbed together and bought him a dictionary.”*


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, *
*but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming 
and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem 
was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. 
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
 "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, 
she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, 
and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as *
*he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  Never mess with them Again*
*Mitsy and Milda were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays. 
Mitsy said,
“My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their thank you notes
Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. 
I always received a lovely thank you note. However, since my daughter-in-law
stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them.”
Milda said, 
“My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send thank you notes. 
I, too, send them a very generous check. However, for the past several years, 
I hear from them within a week after they receive it. 
In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”
“Wow,” remarked Mitsy. “I wish mine would do that.”
“You can, Mitsy, you can.”
“How?” Mitsy asked.*
*“Simple,” Milda replied. “Do what I do: Don’t sign the check.”*


----------



## Lochkelly

Great video - Going to Concerts with Old People


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Kris148




----------



## Kris148




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Aunt Bea

Marie5656 said:


> View attachment 79141


or a Sophia!


----------



## Sassycakes

*How children perceive their Grandparents......
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck.. "
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENT*


----------



## mike4lorie

Thank you @Sassycakes, they were fantastic.... Favorite ones are number 12 and 10...


----------



## RadishRose

Inge Look


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




----------



## hossthehermit




----------



## mike4lorie




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## mike4lorie




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Sassycakes

A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old
lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window
at the posters showing the glamorous destinations
around the world. The agent had had a good week and
the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a
rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop
and said, 'I know that on your pension you could never
hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a
fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two
flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They,
as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said,
'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who
was that old bugger I had to share the room with?'


----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

**
*A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. 
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,
 "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. 
The couple would make an appointment,
 have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house.
 I'm married and we can't go to my house. 
The Holiday Inn charges $90. *
*The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.*


----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Sassycakes

*One day an old man goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes*
*out a small bottle and a teaspoon laying it on the counter.
He asking the pharmacists "Could you taste this for me, please."
Being a senior citizen, the pharmacists went along, taking the spoon with a
tiny dab of the liquid, puts it in his mouth swills the liquid around and
with a grimacing look spits it out in a cup.
"Now does that taste sweet to you?" says the old man.
The pharmacists said to the old man "Hell no!"
"Oh that's a relief," say the old man, "The doctor told me to come here and*
*get my urine tested for sugar."*


----------



## Ruthanne




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## Marie5656




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## Nautilus




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## Nautilus




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## Nautilus




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## peppermint




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## peppermint




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## Nautilus




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## Nautilus




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## mike4lorie

Sorry for the small print, Hope there is a way youu can see it...


----------



## Nautilus




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## Nautilus




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## mike4lorie




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## mike4lorie




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## Nautilus




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pappy




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## peppermint




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## SeaBreeze




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## peppermint




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## Ken N Tx




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## Pappy




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## Pappy




----------



## george-alfred

SENIORS;

This is what all of you yet-to-be senior citizens, have to look forward to!

This is something that happened at an assisted living center.

The people who lived there have small apartments, but they all eat at
a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up
for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see
if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he
said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went
back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived, so she went back up towards his
room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs
but was having a heck of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail
and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told
him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn't
in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast.

So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up
even the first step, so they called an ambulance for him. A couple
hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs
in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house
before they know all the facts.


----------



## CrackerJack

george-alfred said:


> SENIORS;
> 
> This is what all of you yet-to-be senior citizens, have to look forward to!
> 
> This is something that happened at an assisted living center.
> 
> The people who lived there have small apartments, but they all eat at
> a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up
> for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see
> if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he
> said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went
> back to the dining area.
> 
> An hour later he still hadn't arrived, so she went back up towards his
> room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs
> but was having a heck of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail
> and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told
> him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn't
> in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast.
> 
> So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
> 
> When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up
> even the first step, so they called an ambulance for him. A couple
> hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.
> 
> The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs
> in one leg of his boxer shorts.
> 
> I am sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house
> before they know all the facts.




Silly old duffer!


----------



## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## Sassycakes




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## Ken N Tx




----------



## Gary O'

had to pass this on

It's a rare thing to get a shot of when all the planets align


----------



## Lvstotrvl




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## Nautilus




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## toffee




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## Nautilus




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## Keesha

Lvstotrvl said:


> View attachment 83553


That’s right.


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## Sassycakes




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## Duster




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## Duster




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## Sassycakes

*Things that happen when you get old.*
*-I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity*
*- Your back goes out more than you do.*


----------



## Lvstotrvl




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## Lvstotrvl




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## Lvstotrvl




----------



## Sassycakes

*An elderly lady was somewhat lonely and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.*
*As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.” The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else.
So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. 
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?


*
*The first motel she could find...She’s old, not dead! *


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## Pappy




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## Aunt Bea




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## Aunt Bea




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## old medic

Marie5656 said:


> View attachment 78098


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## Lvstotrvl




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## Ken N Tx

The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.


----------



## Pappy




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## Lvstotrvl




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## Ladybj

Marie5656 said:


> View attachment 58179


YESSSSZZZZ!!!!


----------



## Ladybj

Sassycakes said:


> View attachment 58205


@Sassycakes  I LOVE YOUR TAGLINE!!!  That is the greatest gift a man can give his children..


----------



## Sassycakes

Ladybj said:


> @Sassycakes  I LOVE YOUR TAGLINE!!!  That is the greatest gift a man can give his children..




*I like it too. The funny thing is my Husband went to an all Boy Catholic High school and one of the Priests told the boys that saying all the time.*


----------



## Ladybj

Sassycakes said:


> *I like it too. The funny thing is my Husband went to an all Boy Catholic High school and one of the Priests told the boys that saying all the time.*


A lot of men should have been told that.


----------



## Marie5656




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. 
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch...


----------



## Gardenlover




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## Gardenlover




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## toffee




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## toffee




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## Pink Biz




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## Marie5656




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## SeaBreeze




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## Ken N Tx




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## Marie5656




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## Marie5656




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## Pappy




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## Lvstotrvl




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## Lvstotrvl




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## Pink Biz




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## Sassycakes

*Sometimes we Seniors don't Understand Medical Directions
I went to my nearby Shoppers Drug Mart Pharmacy at the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle and a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.
He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I am not allowed to go back to that store, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore.*


----------



## Ken N Tx

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep
your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke!
It slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

*It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens' Center* - and
Claude was never invited back.


----------



## Pappy




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## Pink Biz




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pink Biz




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## Marie5656




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## Sassycakes

*After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ........, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.*
*
Now .... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would personally make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
*
*Aren't older women great?  They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!  *


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## Sassycakes




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## toffee




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## Meanderer




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Ken N Tx

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Don’t mess with old people!


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Duster




----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## Sassycakes

*An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that 
doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks 
out his leg, but can't find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full 
physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry but the pain in your leg
 is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about it."
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"
The doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, 
how can you say it's NOT old age?"
The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree
 to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. 
After all my other leg feels just fine."
"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"*
*"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!" replied the old man.*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Furryanimal

An old man walks into the doctor's waiting room and goes straight to reception. The receptionist asks what is the problem? He says “ I've got a problem with my dick “ .Embarrassed, the receptionist says “ you shouldn't say things like that in a crowded waiting room. Much more discreet would be to say that you have something wrong with your ear. Now go back out and come in again and try that “ He scratches his head but goes out the door. Comes straight back in again goes straight to the receptionist and says “ I've got something wrong with my ear “ “That's better “ she says. “ what's wrong with your ear?” “I can't pee out of it!


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## MickaC




----------



## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




----------



## Pappy




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## Marie5656




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## MickaC




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

*Hector and Janet were 85 years old and had been married for 60 year.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home Hector asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
Hector looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. “What are the greens fees?”, grumbled the old man.
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne.
“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to Hector. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”
Hector looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”
Hector pushed, “No gym to work out at?” “Not unless you want to,” was the answer.
“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
Hector glared at his wife and said, “You and your damn bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago !!!!!*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Marie5656




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## Marie5656




----------



## squatting dog




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## Marie5656




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## MarciKS




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## Pappy




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## Marie5656




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## MarciKS




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## Pappy




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## MickaC




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## Ken N Tx

MickaC said:


> View attachment 105611


----------



## MickaC




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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes

*My memory is gone Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect.”*


----------



## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pappy




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## MickaC




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## PopsnTuff




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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes

*Baby Boomers are set to get into the 'Golden Years' of failing eyesight, failing backsides, hips, knees, hands, feet, arthritic joints, and declining health.*
*
But, it is not all bad, we now have grandchildren, who turn out to be a lot more fun than raising children. You can spoil them and then return them to their parents. Sweet revenge!

My wife and I always say that with grand-kids we get the pleasure twice - when we see the headlights coming and again when we see the taillights disappear in the dark. The reason is that we usually need about a week to recover from all that energy around us.

And of course, we start to forget. We go to the kitchen and then have to go back to the living room where we started to find out what we went to the kitchen for. I call it involuntary exercise.

But despite the failing eyesight, loss of hair on top and a proliferation of it everywhere else, there is ray of sunshine in Baby Boomers now being, or soon becoming eligible to that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - "the Senior Discount." We now can bank, eat out, buy products and services at a 10 -15% senior discount.

I don't think that it balances out against what we all lost, or will soon be losing, but you have to agree, it's better than a 'kick in the butt.'

Humor and laughter are among the best holistic medications we can use to stave off illness, relief stress, boost the immune system and maintain a 'young perspective.'

So what do you do to maintain a 'young perspective?

Throw out all non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let your doctor worry about them. That's why you pay him the big bucks.

Keep cheerful friends. The grouches suck you into their spiral of misery.

Keep learning - computer, languages, skills, crafts, whatever. Never let the brain be idle. An idle mind is the devil's workshop, and the devil's name is 'Altzheimer.'

Enjoy the simple things

Laugh often, laugh long and laugh loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

The tears happen. endure, grieve and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. Be alive while you are alive!

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, books, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

Cherish your health. If it's good - preserve it! If it's unstable - improve it! If it is beyond what you can improve - get medical help!
*
*Don't take guilt trips! Take a trip to the mall - to another part of the country, to a foreign country, but not where the guilt is.*


----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## MarciKS




----------



## MickaC




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## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*A  mountain woman goes to the doctors*
*Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.
After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, “Doctor, I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.
We got us eight kids now and I just don’t know how we can go on.
I gotta do something about having all these babies or I’ll just lose my mind!”

The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies.
“And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don’t take them out until morning.”
So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved.
That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor’s office and promptly delivered another child.
“Ma’am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket.
What happened?” “Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, *
*so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*An Old Lady takes a Holiday*
*
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman
peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, ‘I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.’

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. ‘And how did you like your holiday?’ he asked eagerly.

‘The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,’ she said. ‘I’ve come to thank you, *
*but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?*


----------



## Ken N Tx




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## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ruthanne




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## MickaC




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## MickaC




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## Marie5656




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## Pappy




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## MickaC




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## Pappy




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## PamfromTx




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## PamfromTx




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## PamfromTx




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## PamfromTx




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## PamfromTx




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## PamfromTx




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## PamfromTx




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## Pappy




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## toffee




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## MickaC




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## Lewkat




----------



## Knight

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home


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## Lewkat




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pink Biz




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## Marie5656




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## MickaC




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## MickaC




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## Pappy




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## MickaC




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## Pappy




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## PopsnTuff




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## Pappy




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## Lewkat




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## Pappy




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## MickaC




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## Lewkat




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## PopsnTuff

.......


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## MarciKS




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## Pappy




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes

* A woman goes to a doctor. The doctor tells her that she only *
*one month to live and that the bill will be $1000. The woman replies 
that there is no way that she will be able to pay the doctor's bill of 
$1000 before the end of the month. 
The doctor then replies, "Okay then, I'll give you six months to live."*
***************************************************************************


*The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."*
*
The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"

"You have Alzheimer's disease."

"Good heavens! What's the good news?"

"You can go home and forget about it!"
**********************************************************
*

 You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake.*

* It's like, "See if you can blow this out.
***************************************************************


*An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.*
*“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing 
we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old 
“you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly 
know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.
 “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, *
*“my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”*


----------



## SeaBreeze




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## MickaC




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## Pappy




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## Lewkat




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## MickaC




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## MickaC




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## Pappy




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## MickaC




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## Liberty




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## Liberty




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## MickaC




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## MickaC




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## Pappy




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## MarciKS




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## Marie5656




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## MickaC




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## Pappy




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## Liberty




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## Liberty




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## Pappy




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## PopsnTuff




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## Ken N Tx




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## Marie5656




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## Pappy




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## MickaC




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## Ken N Tx




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## Lewkat




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## Pappy




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## Pappy




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## MickaC




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## RubyK




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## RubyK




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## RubyK




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## MickaC




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## Lewkat




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## Aunt Bea




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## Marie5656




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## SeaBreeze




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## Lewkat




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## MickaC




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## Pappy




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## MickaC




----------



## KimIn Wis

Sassycakes said:


> I've sure gotten old!
> 
> I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
> 
> I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
> 
> take 40 different medications that
> 
> make me dizzy, winded, and subject t o blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
> 
> Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
> 
> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
> 
> Have lost all my friends.
> 
> But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


OMG, that is SO funny!!!!


----------



## Pink Biz




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## MickaC




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## Pink Biz




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## MickaC




----------



## Aunt Bea




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## Aunt Bea




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## Sassycakes

*A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.*
*He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. 
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 
"THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. 
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother *
*stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".*


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## Pappy




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## PopsnTuff




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## Pappy




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## Pappy




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## Marie5656




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## Pappy




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## MickaC




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## MickaC




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## Pappy




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## MickaC




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## Pappy




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## MickaC




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## Aunt Bea




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## MickaC




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## MickaC




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## Liberty




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## MickaC




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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes

*Joe goes to he doctor for his physical exam. *
*The doctor says to him, “Joe. I’m afraid you have a rare decease.
 “Is there a cure for it, doc?” Joe asks. “Yes. The only thing that can cure you is fresh breast milk.” 
Joe then advertises for a wet nurse. A gorgeous blonde responds to his ad and agrees to wet nurse him.
 At their first session, Joe is sucking away. The blonde starts to get turned on by Joe’s sucking prowess 
and discovers that she is highly aroused. “Is there anything else you want, Joe?” 
She moans, as she caresses herself. Then Joe said “Do you have chocolate cookies?

*********************************************************************************


An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get.... 
Parkinson, or Alzheimer? "The Irishman answered: 
"definitely Parkinson, better to spill half an ounce of whiskey, 
than to forget where you keep the bottle!"
*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*Never Mess with older people
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000  in your account and the  bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $3000
"Well, please let me have $3000 now", she The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her
The old lady put $10  in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.
the moral of this tale .......*
*Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.*


----------



## Pappy




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## Pappy




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## Pappy




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## Pappy




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## Pappy




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## MickaC




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## Sassycakes

*An old man complained to the doctor of feeling tired. *
*The doctor asked him whether he had done anything unusual lately. 
“Well,” said the old man. “Wednesday night I picked up a 
twenty-one-year-old actress and nailed her three times. 
Then Thursday night I hooked up with a twenty-year-old waitress, 
and we ended up in bed at her place. On Friday night I met an 
eighteen-year-old nurse and we ended up having sex in the back of her car.” 
The doctor was impressed by such stamina at his age, but warned: 
“I hope you used precautions.” “Of course I did.” said the old man. *
*“I gave them all phony names.”*


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## Lewkat




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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## PopsnTuff




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## PopsnTuff




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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes




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## MickaC




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## SeaBreeze




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## MickaC




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## Ken N Tx




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## MickaC




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## Ken N Tx




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## MickaC




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## Lewkat




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## Sassycakes

* Herm is 85 years old and retired. He gets a checkup with his physician. *
*A week or so afterward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with 
his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.

The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”

Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get 
a hot mama and be cheerful."

The physician exclaims, “Herm, that's not what I told you! I said, *
*‘You got a heart murmur. Be careful.’”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch.

One asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. 
You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”

Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”

“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”
*
*“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”*


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Furryanimal

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers,
picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Nathan

I just came across this on Facebook and was going to post here, but I see you beat me to it!    


Sassycakes said:


> View attachment 127639


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## MickaC




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## MickaC




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## MarciKS




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## RadishRose




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## Sassycakes

*Bragging About Son *
*
 Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, 
“Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, 
he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning 
it’s on my doorstep.” “That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings 
me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.” “WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? *
*Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!*


----------



## Sassycakes

*The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93-year-old Morton was dating again.  *
*One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something 
important happened last night.  It was during breakfast, that Morton finally 
remembered what it was.  He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered **he just couldn’t seem to remember.  Morton picked up the phone and dialed.  *
*
“Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?” 
 “Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes *
*to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”*


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## SeaBreeze




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## Sassycakes




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## PopsnTuff




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## MickaC




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## SeaBreeze




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## Sassycakes




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## Pappy




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## Lewkat




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## Pappy




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## Marie5656




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## MarciKS




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## MarciKS




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## MarciKS




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## Pappy




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## Pappy




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## katlupe




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## SeaBreeze




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## Marie5656




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## Marie5656

*#17 is all me.*


----------



## MarciKS

Marie5656 said:


> *#17 is all me.*
> 
> 
> View attachment 138799


Me too Marie!


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## Aunt Bea




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## MickaC




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## Pappy




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## Ken N Tx




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## Lewkat




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## Pappy




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## Ken N Tx




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## Sassycakes

A woman was celebrating her 70th birthday and chose to stay in
to give herself a birthday treat. However, the situation became heated
when it was time for her to leave.

A 70-year-old woman decided to celebrate her birthday by lodging overnight
in an expensive 5-star hotel. She enjoyed her stay in the hotel room and loved the experience.

The next morning, the woman was perplexed when the desk worker gave her the hotel bill for
her one-night star. She was charged $250 and asked why the room charge cost so
The woman told the staff that the hotel is nice but that the rooms are not worth the
price she was charged for an overnight stay. She said she did not even eat breakfast.

The hotel staff explained to the woman that the $250 she was charged is the standard rate.
The woman was annoyed and demanded to speak with the hotel manager.
The manager told her that the hotel was home to an Olympic-sized swimming pool and also
had a huge conference center as one of its features.

He told her that the pool and the conference center are both available for use.
The woman insisted she did not use any of them. The manager told her that she could have used them.

He added that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is known for.

The manager explained that the hotel played host to the best entertainers from around the world.

Again, the woman insisted she did not attend any of the shows. The manager replied, telling her
that she could have used them. He mentioned many
other facilities in the hotel, which the woman insisted she never used.

After so much back and forth between them, the woman said she would pay the bill.
She gave the manager a cheque, and he was shocked when he looked at it and saw $50.

The manager questioned why the cheque was only for $50. The woman said she charged him $200 for sleeping with her.
The manager was shocked and said he did not sleep with her.
The woman replied, "Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have."
Now, that is a clear example of tit for tat! The woman paid the hotel manager back in his own coin


----------



## Pappy




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## Aunt Bea




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## SeaBreeze




----------



## Sassycakes

*Two police officers saw an old woman staggering out of a local bar, **stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail, they decide to just drive her home.
They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.
As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officer's arm is, "You're Passionate."
They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "You're Passionate."
The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!"*
*She replied, "I keep trying to tell you, you're passin it!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.*
*At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"*
*Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."*


----------



## Ken N Tx




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## Ken N Tx




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## Pappy




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## SeaBreeze




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## MarciKS




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## SeaBreeze

MarciKS said:


> This is only my second mixed drink so I'm pretty sure that the fact that I see nothing is either a computer error or it didn't post?


Here it is again Marci, I see it fine.  If you can't see it, I'm not sure why.


----------



## MarciKS

That time I saw it. The other post continues to appear blank. Hmmm....


----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Aunt Bea

Not much has changed.


----------



## Furryanimal

My internet is slow but hopefully this posts quickly...HAPPY NEW YEAR!​Have a great 2019!


----------



## MarciKS

SeaBreeze said:


> Here it is again Marci, I see it fine.  If you can't see it, I'm not sure why.


That's freaky...it's blank again.


----------



## SeaBreeze

MarciKS said:


> That's freaky...it's blank again.


Those hangovers are a SOB.


----------



## MarciKS

If only.


----------



## Marie5656

**


----------



## Sassycakes

*Home Depot Scam*
*Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. 
I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works; Two nice-looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts, almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. 
(It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead, 
ask for a ride to McDonald's. Ok, this is when it really gets scary.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts 
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen MAY 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, 
and the 29th. Also JUNE 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely it will happen again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. 
Warn your friends to be vigilant.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's to Home Depot to Wal-Mart.

So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them **to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon).*


----------



## Sassycakes

*
The Miracle Show
An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program. 
The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, 
then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed. Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me. "So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, 
because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch. The little old lady *
*turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## SeaBreeze




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## Pappy




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## Marie5656




----------



## horseless carriage




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Pappy




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## Marie5656




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## OneEyedDiva




----------



## OneEyedDiva




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## MarciKS

RadishRose said:


>


LMAO!!


----------



## MickaC




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Marie5656




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## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

*4 Husbands*
*The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her question about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, 
and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing 
time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker 
when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married 
four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,
*
*"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."*


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Sassycakes




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## Marie5656




----------



## Sassycakes

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could               barely see over the dashboard. 
       As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

      The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be                losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

      After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the       light was red again and again they went right through. 
      This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the        light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

      She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to          the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

      At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red               and they went right through. She turned to the 
      other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through        three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

      Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"


----------



## Dana

Sassycakes said:


> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could               barely see over the dashboard.
> As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
> 
> The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be                losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
> 
> After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the       light was red again and again they went right through.
> This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the        light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
> 
> She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to          the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
> 
> At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red               and they went right through. She turned to the
> other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through        three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
> 
> Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"


----------



## dobielvr

DBM
deleted by me


----------



## MickaC




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## horseless carriage




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## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




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## Hapiguy




----------



## Sassycakes

*An old man on a crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.*
*The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers 
from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself 
properly with his cane, fell to the floor.
Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, 
"If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that."*
*The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Games for when we are older:*

*1) Sag, You're it.
2) Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3) 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4) Kick the bucket.
5) Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6) Doc Doc Goose.
7) Simon says something incoherent.
8) Hide and go pee.
9) Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.*
*10) Musical recliners.*


----------



## Pappy




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## Hapiguy




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## Aunt Bea




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## Hapiguy




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## Hapiguy




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## Hapiguy




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## Hapiguy




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## Pappy




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## RadishRose




----------



## Hapiguy

RadishRose said:


>


What  a lovely couple...and such an awesome picture.  That sweater/robe is priceless !


----------



## JonDouglas

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called. . . and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in
 his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.  The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


----------



## Hapiguy

JonDouglas said:


> A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called. . . and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
> 
> The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in
> his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.  The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
> 
> Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
> 
> 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
> 
> 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
> 
> 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
> 
> 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
> 
> 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
> 
> Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.



Very sad story.  However on the bright side the puppy was 'only' getting intermittent zaps as the wire wasn't energized except for the momentary voltage surge that made the phone ring.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## JonDouglas

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Pappy




----------



## squatting dog




----------



## Hapiguy

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones.  The doctor in intensive care asks him, "Are you married?"

"No, I've just been run over by a truck."


----------



## Hapiguy

Interacting with a statue


----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy

Interacting with a statue...


----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## MrPants

A male's evolution:


----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## MrPants




----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Becky1951

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. 

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS." 

The pastor hollered out "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound." 

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD." 

The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. 

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".


----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy

How not to build a campfire 101....


----------



## Patch




----------



## Patch




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## JonDouglas

Did you ever wonder if the person who coined the phrase "one hit wonder" ever came up with any other phrases?


----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Aunt Bea

_"Tell people the truth, they laugh. The truth is so tragic they have to pretend it's a joke."_ - Lucille Kallen


----------



## Glowworm

Three old guys were sitting on a park bench complaining about how bad it was to grow old. 

The first one says "It's awful when your sight starts going, I sit here and look but can't see if the young girls walking past are pretty or not so I can't ask them if they'd like to come back to my place for a roll in the hay."

The second one says "That's nothing, it's much worse when your hearing goes. I can see if they're pretty but when I ask them if they'd like to come back to my place for a roll in the hay I can't hear their answer."

The third one says "Losing your sight or hearing is nothing compared to losing your memory. I can see if they're pretty and I can hear the answer when I ask if they'd like to come back to my place for a roll in the hay. It's just that when we get back to my place I can't remember what we were going to do."


----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## Sassycakes

*I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.*​*Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people*


----------



## Hapiguy

While waiting for his turn at the drinking fountain....


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## hawkdon

Marie5656 said:


> View attachment 152737


you got that rite granny!!!!!!!


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## ohioboy

President Clinton said: "I did not tell Monica to lie in her deposition. I told her to lie in a different position."


----------



## ohioboy

The Mexican National Anthem is "Jose can you see".


----------



## ohioboy

Mexican weather report: Chili today, hot tomale.


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## JonDouglas

Some people think that _complete _and _finished _are the same thing.

This not correct.

If you marry the right one, you are complete.

If you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

If the right one sees you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.


----------



## Glowworm




----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## Sassycakes

*The new NILE Virus (Type C) -----   I thought you would want to know about this virus. Even the *
*most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, and others cannot take care of this one.

It appears to target those who were born prior to 1950.

Virus Symptoms

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. 

2. Causes you to send an email that offends some people.

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. 

7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. 

8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE

9. Causes you to Let ‘Spell Check’ Cause you a lot of email FOPAS.

10. Causes constant butt dials due to uncontrolled farts. 

This virus is called the C-NILE virus!

A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately, as we age, it gets worse.

And if you can't admit to doing any of the above, you've obviously caught the other strain - the D-NILE virus.
*
*Doctors say that lots of naps and a daily dose of Dr. Jack Daniels liquid medicine might help.*


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## SetWave




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

Someone is getting very bored with this distancing.


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## katlupe




----------



## Liberty




----------



## katlupe




----------



## Liberty

Ken N Tx said:


>


Hub says, "that go cart needs way bigger wheels"...lol.


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Sassycakes

*A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw *
*a 70+-year-old man walking past.
She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, 
"Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

The old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his private parts 
and screws the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.

When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says,
 "But you said you won't be able to...."



*
*"...pay you." replied the old man.*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## MickaC

*There are days like this.*


----------



## Liberty




----------



## Pappy




----------



## debodun




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## SetWave




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonDouglas

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and really short skirts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because everyone's heard it's good and they've never been there before.


----------



## katlupe




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## SetWave




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Gary O'

Ah, retirement
Finally able to get what you've dreamed of


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## MarciKS




----------



## Llynn




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## horseless carriage

What was this dress designer thinking of?


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## MickaC




----------



## debodun




----------



## debodun




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Pappy




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Tom 86

This is so true Pappy.


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Marie5656

**


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## SmoothSeas




----------



## JonDouglas

Below is a picture of Ortalis vetula, which is better known as the Plain Chacalaca






This is the milder, less-flamboyant relative of the Boom Chacalaca.


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## SmoothSeas




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Sassycakes

*When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day.
Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, 
slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, 
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed, and plasma screen TV, 
but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are 
not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. 
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure *
*that I **would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, *
*sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a black and white TV.*

And That was how the fight started.


----------



## Gary O'




----------



## JonDouglas

Man: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?” 
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” 
Man: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.” 
Bartender: “Three dollars.”
Man: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?” 
Bartender: “’youneedtobuyadrinkfirst.’ No spaces, all lowercase.”


----------



## JonDouglas

Every loaf of bread is a group of grains that could have become beer but, sadly, didn't.


----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## debodun




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## debodun




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## GAlady




----------



## debodun

Looks a lot like me.


----------



## GAlady

“There’s always something to be happy about today.”


----------



## GAlady

Marie5656 said:


> View attachment 173199


My bike was my way to explore the world.


----------



## katlupe




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Jennina




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Pappy




----------



## squatting dog




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## GAlady




----------



## katlupe




----------



## katlupe




----------



## katlupe




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Sassycakes

*This is for you ladies!!! I recently ate at a restaurant where a table of girlfriends of a certain age were having a wonderful time, and came home and wrote this. You may recognize somebody, maybe yourself ...*
*Lunch With Girlfriends
By Kathy O’Malley
Elaine’s vertigo has never been worse
Kay can’t recall where she left her purse
Rhonda’s about to replace her knees
Linda’s breathing is tinged with a wheeze
Donna's left boob has a troublesome lump
Diane’s on her third trip to take a dump
Lorraine’s husband can’t remember a thing
Nine years a widow, Marge still wears her ring
Marlene is dealing with another UTI
Sally’s giving a hearing aid another try
Marie has decided she can’t drive at night
Sharon still wears clothes two sizes too tight
They’ve been through divorces and babies and wakes
They do for each other whatever it takes
They’ve already buried Marcia and Kate
And truthfully, Lizzie’s not looking so great
So whenever they can, they get out to eat
Open bottles of wine and forget their sore feet
There’s laughing and crying and letting down guards
And when the bill comes, there are ten credit cards
So here’s to the waiters who keep orders straight
And to the places that let lunches run three hours late
And here’s to the girlfriends, those near and those far*
*Here's to the girlfriends, you know who you are!!!”*


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Pappy




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## katlupe




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy

DEAR GRANDSON

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love, Grandma

PS The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Pappy




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Davey Do




----------



## katlupe




----------



## katlupe




----------



## katlupe

I am not so sure this is funny or not because it is true. It is more like one of those "ah ha" moments.


----------



## katlupe




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Murrmurr

Sitting around the dining table one day, my Aunt Katherine told Aunt Margret she wanted to introduce her to a nice gentleman named Mr. Brinkman.

Aunt M: Is he bald?
Aunt K, rolling her eyes: Yes, he is.
Aunt M: Oh, good.

Aunt Margret’s balding brother asked her, “So, why do you like bald men, Marge?”

Aunt M: Because a bald head means a bald ass.
Her brother, quietly: “Oh, good.”


----------



## katlupe




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## debodun




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## debodun




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Time Waits 4 No Man




----------



## Llynn




----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## fmdog44

seniorific.com......... take a look if you have not yet done so


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## SmoothSeas




----------



## SeaBreeze

​


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Pappy




----------



## GAlady




----------



## SmoothSeas




----------



## katlupe




----------



## katlupe




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## debodun




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## horseless carriage

Aunt Bea said:


> View attachment 182960


You forgot Joan Collins: 88 and her husband, Percy: 56.
Some female American journalist, (I can't find her name,) tried to get some mileage out of the significant age difference. But Joan was having none of it. Shrugging off the age gap, she said: 'It's so boring. Look, I'll tell you about the age thing - if he dies, he dies.'


----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## charry




----------



## Liberty




----------



## Liberty




----------



## Liberty




----------



## Pappy




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Llynn




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Davey Do




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Davey Do

Marie5656 said:


> View attachment 184808


----------



## Pappy




----------



## senior chef

Marie5656 said:


> View attachment 58180


Ha ha ha.  Spot on. I love it. I laughed so hard, I almost wet my pants.


----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Ruthanne




----------



## Pappy




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## squatting dog




----------



## Sassycakes

2 sisters exercising,


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## debodun




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Paco Dennis

My Mom always bragged "You could eat off my floors!!" 

"You could off of my floors too, Mom.  There's loads of food down there."


----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## katlupe




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Pappy




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Pappy




----------



## katlupe




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## katlupe




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Pappy




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## katlupe




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## charry




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## hawkdon

Yeah I've heard that message too, but no one ever checks
on me.....maybe I didn't make that list!!??


----------



## SmoothSeas

back in Florida, when we lived in a 55+ community, we had a phone tree, where folk would check in on each other once daily, that proved to be pretty popular.

it worked well...


----------



## charry




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## GAlady




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Paco Dennis

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.  The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered.  "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
   She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered             proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
   The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
*(Wait for it...)*
    - She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."


----------



## Jules

SmoothSeas said:


> View attachment 190160​


Guilty as charged.


----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Marie5656

You know you are old when you grew up with this stuff. Remember Ask Jeeves?  Dial up? 

Apparently If You Did Any Of These 40 Things Growing Up You Are Officially Old (yahoo.com)


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## debodun




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## debodun

How I now tell what day it is:


----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Tom 86




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Tom 86

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on I-65.  So I eased my truck and trailer over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out, and reached in the side compartment; I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of my trailer facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a Highway Patrol pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My trailer has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
Always be prepared and safety first out there……seriously be careful.


----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## bowmore

Tom 86 said:


> View attachment 191803


The rest of the joke is:
Do you have the box the computer came in?
Yes
Put it back in the box and return it. You are too stupid to have a computer


----------



## GAlady




----------



## Tom 86

*Twenty Differences between Fishing and Sex

 #20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

 #19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

 #18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

 #17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you
          once in a while.

 #16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

  #15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't
            have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

 #14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with
            long ago.

 #13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

 #12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel
 guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

 #11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object
           if you Fish with someone else.

 #10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by
           yourself.

 #9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are
         really an undercover cop.

 #8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy
        Fishing stuff.

 #7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell
         Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting
         sued for Fishing harassment.

 #6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

 #5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to
        subscribe to the Playboy channel.

 #4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your
        life.

 #3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest
         in it.

 #2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy
         your favorite activity.

 #1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week!  Is Fishing all you ever think about?!*


----------



## Tom 86

a polish divorce 


A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. 

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -- "very quick." 

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: 

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" 

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home." 

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" 

POLE: "It made of concrete." 

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" 

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one." 

LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?" 

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland." 

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" 

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player." 

LAWYER: "Does your wife beat you up?" 

POLE: "No, I always up before her." 

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?" 

POLE: "No, she white." 

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?" 

POLE: "She going to kill me." 

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?" 

POLE: "I got proof." 

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?" 

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover


----------



## Sassycakes

Tom 86 said:


> a polish divorce
> 
> 
> A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
> 
> Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -- "very quick."
> 
> The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
> 
> LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
> 
> POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
> 
> LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
> 
> POLE: "It made of concrete."
> 
> LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
> 
> POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
> 
> LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
> 
> POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
> 
> LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
> 
> POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
> 
> LAWYER: "Does your wife beat you up?"
> 
> POLE: "No, I always up before her."
> 
> LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
> 
> POLE: "No, she white."
> 
> LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
> 
> POLE: "She going to kill me."
> 
> LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
> 
> POLE: "I got proof."
> 
> LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
> 
> POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover


Tom86.Your jokes always make me happy. Keep them coming !


----------



## Tom 86

A woman goes into a bar and sees a handsome cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

She can't stop staring because the cowboy has the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asks him if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy winks and says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" 

The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. 

The next day she walks into the bar and hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing, he says, "I'm flattered, ma'am, nobody has ever paid me for my services before,"

To this, the woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit!"


----------



## Tom 86

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the Univ. of Alabama and I need some help.  If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"  The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Alabama women.
  __________________________________________________________________

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  that night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter.  "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
  __________________________________________

Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Alabama was overhead saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama."  When asked why he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
   _________________________________________________________________

The young Alabama man came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"  Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"  The young Alabamian answered.  "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
   ____________________________________________________

NEWS FLASH- Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Alabama students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.  Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.  The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
 _______________________________________

 An Alabama State Trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.  The  trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
   ____________________________________________

An Alabama man had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.  Ten he got back in the car to wait.  A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.  He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, " I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back!  I never did understand it either."


----------



## debodun

An elderly couple is worried that they are starting to forget simple things, so they go to a doctor for a checkup.

The doctor looks them over top to bottom but doesn't find anything.
"It seems you two are perfectly fine so all that I can suggest is anytime you want to remember something, simply write it down".

The couple believe that's a great idea and so they go home with renewed confidence.

Later that evening, the couple are watching television and he decides to grab a drink.

"Need anything my dear" he asks?

"Could you grab me some ice cream. Here write it down" she tells him.

"No need my dear, ice cream coming up"!

"Oh, and some chocolate sauce please. Want to write it down"?

"Ice cream with chocolate sauce, got it".

"And a cherry dear" she asks "sure you don't want to write it down"?

"Ice cream with chocolate sauce and a cherry. I've got it, Hun".

The elderly man is gone for 10 minutes and the woman begins to worry. He comes back with scrambled eggs, bacon and orange juice. 

The woman looks at the food and says, "Oh dear, you forgot the toast"!


----------



## debodun




----------



## SmoothSeas

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my WILLIE  he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and blurt out things like that '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone’

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my EAR,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. '
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

'I can't PEE out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose....


----------



## Tom 86

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It’s a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck did stop here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m hereafter.

19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE……….??????


----------



## Tom 86

Routine Checkup 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health"? 

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." 

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died"? 

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead"? 

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he"? 

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer." 

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died"? 

The old-timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead"? 

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he"? 

The old-timer said, "He's 118 years old." 

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too"? 

The old-timer said, "No, grandpa couldn't go this morning, because he got married." 

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married"? 

The old-timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to"?


----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## debodun




----------



## Furryanimal




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Liberty




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86

A little humor to start your day..
.
A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, "I thought my husband was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. This morning I got a phone call from my husband he claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”


----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86

A little chuckle for everyone...
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal in minute detail while the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.
                One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
                The man answered arrogantly, "Why would you be so interested in that topic?"
                The shoe guy replies,  "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
                "What's your name? " asked the executive.
                John H. Smith was the reply.
                The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Service Department; "Do we have a client named John H. Smith?
                "Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, " he is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."
                The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting to tell us the story of your life.  I am sure we could all learn something from your life's experience."
                At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life.  I am sure we can learn from him.
                Mr. Smith began his story. "I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name.  I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.
                Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.  I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients.  I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent.
                A few years ago, when the very up-market shoe shiner on the main corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great superior location, which I promptly did.
                And then, finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."


----------



## debodun




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## rainyghost

Rather than spending thousands of dollars on hearing aids, why not just buy some airpods and have people call you. You can even do a conference call so everyone can be in the conversation. Plus, you look hip.


----------



## dseag2

rainyghost said:


> Rather than spending thousands of dollars on hearing aids, why not just buy some airpods and have people call you. You can even do a conference call so everyone can be in the conversation. Plus, you look hip.


Wrong thread.


----------



## rainyghost

dseag2 said:


> Wrong thread.


I think not.


----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## dseag2

rainyghost said:


> I think not.


Sorry, I thought you were responding the "hearing aid" thread.  Now that I re-read it, it is funny!


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86

Chevy went to the levy & the levey won.


----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86

My Turkey for Thursday.


----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## win231

An old man says to his doctor: “I wish you could lower my sex drive.”
The doctor says: “How old are you?”
The man says: “87.”
The doctor says:
“It’s all in your head.”
The man says: “I know, doc; I want you to _lower_ it.”


----------



## Tom 86

Finally found a plumber that works around the clock.


----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## SeaBreeze

92

     350

     36


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656

*I got 14

*


----------



## hawkdon

Guess I'm older than DIRT!!!


----------



## Geezer Garage

Yup, back when oil was forming under the ground. Mike


----------



## Tom 86

I got all 17 & I even know more.  Studying by kerosene light,  Outhouses.


----------



## Tom 86




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Mizmo

for those who remember him


----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Mizmo

To be polite.....
Ode to a  Bottom Burp
some Scottish words but you will get the hang of i.....


----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Mizmo

...



> A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
> 
> For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
> 
> She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
> 
> "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
> 
> The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
> 
> "Honey," he said "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
> 
> Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."


----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Mizmo

Logic


----------



## SmoothSeas

what a sense of humor her husband has, eh....?


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. 
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local 
store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


----------



## GAlady




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## katlupe




----------



## Flarbalard

katlupe said:


> View attachment 203762


 Speaking strictly for myself, is that because men don't really ever grow up in the first place?


----------



## katlupe

Flarbalard said:


> Speaking strictly for myself, is that because men don't really ever grow up in the first place?


Maybe.


----------



## GAlady




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## dseag2




----------



## dseag2




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Pappy




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Snow74




----------



## Mizmo

guys will love this one


----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## MsFox




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Pappy




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Sassycakes

*It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.*
*After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the start of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch, and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

"Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke. The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into a hundred pieces on impact.
"S**T!" shouted Claude.*
*It took them three days to completely clean up the "Senior Citizens' Home" and Claude was never to be invited again.*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## RFW

Paco Dennis said:


>


She has good trigger discipline.


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## squatting dog




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Pappy




----------



## horseless carriage

His grandson told him that the computer was frozen. He's trying to unfreeze it with a hair dryer.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## charry

View attachment 208560


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## squatting dog




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Murrmurr

A lawyer slowly rolled through a stop sign and was almost immediately pulled over by a local cop. 
The lawyer searched his mind for a convincing legal argument as the cop made his way to the driver-side window.

Cop: Morning, sir. I pulled you over today because I noticed you failed to make a complete stop at the stop sign back there. Can I see your license and registration, please?
Lawyer: Well, I _did_ slow down.
Cop: Yessir, and I did notice that as well, but slowing down isn't the same as stopping. So, license and registration, please.
Lawyer: I'll tell you what; if you can prove there is a difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll show you my license and registration and you can write me a ticket.
Cop: Well that's not a problem, sir, if you wouldn't mind stepping out of the car.

The lawyer did so, and the cop quickly grabbed his baton and began beating the crap out of the poor fellow. 
After numerous forceful blows the cop paused and asked, "Now, sir, would you like me to stop, or slow down?"


----------



## GAlady




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Snow74




----------



## Snow74




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## katlupe




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Mizmo

*Just Sayin'*


----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## squatting dog

I asked this lady, could I touch her hair.
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her top lip.
That's how the fight started.


----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Mizmo

Good oldie...


----------



## GAlady




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Mizmo

some are funny....


----------



## SeaBreeze

We can relate, doing the dentist thing now.....I made my appointment first.


----------



## RFW

SeaBreeze said:


> We can relate, doing the dentist thing now.....I made my appointment first.


Going first is just the worst.


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Mizmo

Guilty !


----------



## Liberty




----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonSR77

From comedian Dana Carvey


My back hurt. And…my neck hurt.  And my foot hurt.  And I had a headache.
And my legs hurt.

I tried to figure out what was going on.

Then, I realized….”I woke up…”


++++++++++++++


From comedian Brian Regan

“That’s Where It Doesn’t Hurt”





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryDdPHyqsbs
+++++++++++++++++


----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Pappy




----------



## squatting dog




----------



## Pappy

I remember the corned beef of my Childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the Children helped with the housework,
And the men went to work not the wife.

The cheese never needed a fridge,
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The Children were seldom unhappy,
And the Wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the bottle,
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
And not from a freezer; or shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn't need money for kicks,
Just a game with their friends in the road,
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
Where biscuits for pennies were sold
Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it....I'm just getting Old?


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## Marie5656




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## GAlady




----------



## Pappy




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## Jace

Senior filling out a form asking:  Person to notify in case of an accident.

Answered: Anybody in sight.


----------



## Jace

Policeman to elderly lady: "Do you know you were speeding"?

Elderly lady: "Yes, but I had to get there...before I forgot where I was going".


----------



## Marie5656




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## RadishRose




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Pappy




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## Marie5656




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## Marie5656

Pappy said:


> View attachment 216627


*Great...love these kind of things.  Got my brother a birthday card one year with a similar thing about his birth year (1938)  he LOVED it. Went on an on about how cool it was*


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## Marie5656




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## Marie5656




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## JonSR77




----------



## Marie5656




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## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Bella

*




*


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## Jace

So...some?...can say..."I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all..

I just _can't *remember it all!  *_


----------



## Bella




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Mizmo

Mama...


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Pappy




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Jace

If you get an E-mail with any of the following words...Pork,
Ham, salt, preservatives....

Don't open it...*it's **Spam!  *


----------



## Pappy




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## Bella




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## Pappy




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Bella




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## Jace

How many can say...

I still have _a *full deck...*

Just *shuffle slower!  *_


----------



## GAlady




----------



## Jace

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you...

It just _takes 75-100 *years to fully work!  *_


----------



## Bella




----------



## GAlady




----------



## JonSR77




----------



## Bella

*



*


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## Jace

How many would like to say...

I wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old,

the body of a 20 year old..and 

the energy of a 3 year old.


----------



## Marie5656




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## GAlady




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Bella




----------



## Bella




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Bella

*






An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’*


----------



## MarkinPhx

True for me !


----------



## RadishRose

MarkinPhx said:


> True for me !
> 
> View attachment 222424


Great idea!!!


----------



## MarkinPhx

RadishRose said:


> Great idea!!!


It works well


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## Em in Ohio

Keesha said:


> :lofl: This happened to Mr. Keeshas aunt . She had visit half the town before someone actually told her.
> Its a bit frightening but luckily she didn’t realize anything was wrong


I didn't see the humor in that.


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## Em in Ohio

Marie5656 said:


> View attachment 60232


I saw this printed on a sweatshirt and really thought of getting it to wear in front of my mean/creepy neighbors!  (I still might!)


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## Paco Dennis




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## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Bella




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Bella




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## SmoothSeas

​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Bella




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Jace

Many are at "the metallic age"...

Gold in the teeth...

Silver in the hair...

Titanium in the hip(s)...

And...*lead in the pants!  *


----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Bella




----------



## Pappy




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Gary O'




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Bella




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Bella




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Pappy




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Bella




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231




----------



## Pappy




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## SmoothSeas

maybe not quite 'senior humor' but I found it kinda funny and needed a place to park it...


​


----------



## Bella




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Jace

Have you noticed...at a certain age...

some people's mind(s) wonder...

and _don't come back!  _


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Jace

To your kids: 

Don't laugh at me 'cause I need your help with my computer.

You say.....I taught you how to use a spoon!


----------



## dseag2




----------



## dseag2




----------



## dseag2




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Bella




----------



## Bella




----------



## SmoothSeas

ain't this the truth...


​


----------



## GAlady




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Bella




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Bella




----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Patricia

Marie5656 said:


> View attachment 227176


I know that's right.


----------



## GAlady




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Patricia

Marie5656 said:


> View attachment 228019


I miss the old days.


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Mizmo

Really!


----------



## Jace

Why is it...at class reunions, you feel younger 

than everyone else looks?


----------



## Bella




----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Gary O'




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Bella




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## GAlady




----------



## win231

An 83 year old guy was in the McDonald’s drive-through.  A young lady behind him started honking her horn and yelling because he was taking too long to place his order.
When he got to the first window, he paid for her order along with his.  The cashier must have told her what he did because as they moved up she leaned out her window and waved to him and mouthed _"Thank you,"_ obviously embarrassed that he repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When the guy got to the second window, he showed them both receipts and took her food too.  Now she had to go back to the end of the line and start all over again.
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.


----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## MickaC

Paco Dennis said:


>


SO HAPPY to see you…….are you feeling better…..hope so..


----------



## squatting dog




----------



## Bella




----------



## MickaC




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Patricia

win231 said:


> An 83 year old guy was in the McDonald’s drive-through.  A young lady behind him started honking her horn and yelling because he was taking too long to place his order.
> When he got to the first window, he paid for her order along with his.  The cashier must have told her what he did because as they moved up she leaned out her window and waved to him and mouthed _"Thank you,"_ obviously embarrassed that he repaid her rudeness with kindness.
> When the guy got to the second window, he showed them both receipts and took her food too.  Now she had to go back to the end of the line and start all over again.
> Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.


Oh wow!


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Bella




----------



## Bella




----------



## squatting dog

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.! So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female......


----------



## GAlady




----------



## Bella




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Jace

You're considered  old...
when you remember Multiplacation..
As...the* Times tables! *


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Bella




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## squatting dog

Bella said:


>


----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Bella




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Bella




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Bella




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Bella




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Jules




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Paco Dennis

A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asked.  "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"  "Sure.."  "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asked.  "No, I can remember it.."  "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"  He said, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."  "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that - write it down?" she asked.  Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"  Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment. *"Where's my toast?"*

https://www.ba-bamail.com/humor/a-hilarious-selection-of-short-senior-jokes/


----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Bella




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## GAlady




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Jace

My friend's husband came home, depressed,  after visiting the doctor..
He said the doctor wouldn't write him a prescription for V1@~®∆..
Saying..it would be like putting a new flagpole...on a condemned building.


----------



## Gary O'




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## GAlady




----------



## DebraMae




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Bella




----------



## Gary O'




----------



## IKE




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Farrah Nuff




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------

