# Question for those of you married a long time



## Ronni (Feb 16, 2020)

I'm soon going to be embarking on a new marriage as you all know.  Never expected to be here again!  Never wanted to, till I met Ron.

I know there are many of you here who've been married for many many years, whether or not your spouse is still living.  So I thought I'd ask you all for your experience and wisdom.  To what do you attribute the longevity of your marriage?  What tips or advice do you have to maximize the chances of maintaining a successful relationship?


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## Pecos (Feb 16, 2020)

Have coffee in the sunroom every morning and talk.


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## Pinky (Feb 16, 2020)

Be one another's best friend. Really listen to your partner.


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## peppermint (Feb 16, 2020)

Good Answer, Pecos!!   We always talk, it's only us alone...Kids have their kids and their own homes.....
It's so nice, we don't have to work anymore....We are married almost 55 years.....We were married at an early age...
I don't have any tips, only we love each other from 17 years old....We are in a good place....


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## SeaBreeze (Feb 16, 2020)

Ronni said:


> I'm soon going to be embarking on a new marriage as you all know.  Never expected to be here again!  Never wanted to, till I met Ron.
> 
> I know there are many of you here who've been married for many many years, whether or not your spouse is still living.  So I thought I'd ask you all for your experience and wisdom.  To what do you attribute the longevity of your marriage?  What tips or advice do you have to maximize the chances of maintaining a successful relationship?


We've been married for over 43 years, and lived together for a couple of years before that.  I think our marriage lasted for so long because we thought of each other as best friends, not only husband and wife.  We both respect each other, so even if we had petty arguments over the years, we were never abusive or insulting during those times. 

 We have a lot in common, both love nature, both are basically kind to people and animals and both enjoy our privacy and a quiet existence.  We have the same tastes in music, things are mellow and relaxed in our relationship.

In my mind, I figure that none of us were born here on this earth to please any other person.  If we find a good soulmate, then we should cherish them and make the relationship work.  All marriages take work, some just compromise and understanding.  If you're not selfish and you put your significant other above yourself in most situations.....I think it's a good plan. 

Ronni, from what I've heard about you and Ron since you joined here, I honestly think that you are meant for each other and have all that is needed for a long and happy marriage.  Love and best wishes to both of you.


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## Kadee (Feb 16, 2020)

For me personally being in  a second marriage ( 33 years )  for both it takes allot patients because in my case we had an interfering ex  ( his ) who always  seemed to appear at any function we attended
and of course the kids on both sides, our kids  were all in their teens so with fights and squabbles
between them at the time it had crossed my mind many times that I’d made a huge mistake by marrying while we still had school aged kids at home.

The  kids are now in their mid to late 40’s and the interfering ex lives in another state.


I agree @Pecos about talking we have a cuppa / chat at 10.30 each morning , most of the time we go out the back and sit on our garden swing.

My hubby always loved it if I was home when he got home from work
I’d always make him a light snack and sit for a chat before getting our evening meal ready


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## Gary O' (Feb 16, 2020)

Kadee46 said:


> My hubby always loved it if I was home when he got home from work
> I’d always make him a light snack and sit for a chat before getting our evening meal ready


That is *HUGE*
Been that way for us since day one, over 50 years ago

Mornings and evenings are like that for us
Even driving around town promotes conversation
My lady and I are more than friends
We are soulmates
More so since retirement

Once we jump into the sack, we review the day, and talk about tomorrow
Then spoon 'til we drift off


I think I spoil her some

But....I......am rotten spoiled

We are almost total opposites
I have a hot temper, but heal easy
She gets quiet when upset
And used to nurse that for decades
I never let her go to bed angry or hurt


Oh, and she gets really mad when I make her laugh while angry

It's a grand adventure


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## Ladybj (Feb 16, 2020)

I have been married for 35 years.  We have had our share of challenges.  TIPS:  Communication is golden, learn to let go of what's not worth arguing over, give each other space when needed, learn to agree to disagree, Keep each other smiling and most importantly - Keep THE LOVE ALIVE!!!


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## Catlady (Feb 16, 2020)

My marriage only lasted 4 1/2 years and I never remarried  because I never found the right guy.  I think for a marriage to last you have to have at least five things:  Chemistry, compatibility, trust, respect, and lots of compromise.


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## kburra (Feb 16, 2020)

Married 55yrs..the secret allow each other to have your own interest and space.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Feb 16, 2020)

We will be married 48 years. I think we all come into a marriage with our own needs. Once they are established and both sides understands the needs of the other person then hopefully a happy balance can be met. My hubby and I need a lot of alone time. Not necessarily away of the house but just pursuing things by ourselves that make us happy.


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## Knight (Feb 16, 2020)

Understand that each will change about every 10 years in how they think & what that change means to your relationship.

Communicate what you like & don't like as time passes very key.

Kiss & hug before parting no matter the reason for parting. Going to bed is parting, going shopping without each other is parting. Never & I mean never raise your voice in a disagreement. Never bring up some petty grievance you never really let go off. 

Finally remember the qualities that brought you together.


Works for me 57 years later soon to be 58 years.


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## jujube (Feb 16, 2020)

We were married 39 years when he died.  We didn't really know each other when we married (we only had two dates) and we were both pretty immature.  So, we essentially grew up together. 

What, I guess, is comes down to is that we would have died for each other.


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## Marie5656 (Feb 16, 2020)

When I married Rick, it was my first marriage. His third!  Keep lines of communication open. Realize it will not be all butterflies and Rainbows.
Talk things out, do not let things simmer. Find common things to do together but also you each need "me" time.
We only had 17 years. A bit rocky sometimes but we stuck it out.


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## jerry old (Feb 16, 2020)

lots of rocks in marriage, rips and tears, instead of wedding gifts should receive unlimited supply of duct tape; your gonn'a need it


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## Kadee (Feb 16, 2020)

jerry r. garner said:


> lots of rocks in marriage, rips and tears, instead of wedding gifts should receive unlimited supply of duct tape; your gonn'a need it



To true @jerry r. garner


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## Capt Lightning (Feb 17, 2020)

Not much to add.  We met as teenagers and have now been married 46 years.  My parents were married 54 years and were of the "Father goes out to work and mother stays at home" type.  That was the case when our children were young, but as they got older, that would not  have suited us.  As well as family life, I think it's important for both partners to have a life of their own - I mean your own work, friends, interests, hobbies and a degree of financial independence too.


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## toffee (Feb 17, 2020)

not sure about good advice ronni ' been married a while now 'its had more downs than up have to say'
many a time I wanted to go -as sometimes it's a blank wall' yes still here for many reasons - my advice is honesty -and talking '
dont expect it to be all rosey coz thats just mere fantacy - 

but I do hope you both get along ok ' give and take !


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## bingo (Feb 17, 2020)

it'll be a breeze...no longer young and foolish....ha!


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## Packerjohn (Feb 17, 2020)

Much good advice here so I'm not sure I can add anything else.  For us, it has been that we are the best friends.  We talk a lot  & each of us respects the other.  My wife doesn't feel she needs to be "empowered" like the young ladies today because she has been empowered during all of our marriage.  We have traveled much, enjoy going for walks, enjoy mostly the same TV shows.  I have never abused my wife (hitting &/or swearing) that some couple seem to have troubles with.  We have been together but each of us has our own little space.  She loves making cards & calendars while I play the guitar, sing & record music.  Respect, having a soul mate & having a best friend is really what counts in the end.  We were lucky.


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## Ken N Tx (Feb 17, 2020)

Hugs and kisses every morning and night...Stay at home wife/mom..and most of all best friend and partner!!


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## hollydolly (Feb 17, 2020)

If I'd still been married to my ex it would have been 44 years this summer ... but with the current one it's 19 years... .

I echo much of what's been said before.. but for me , independence is very important..own space etc...


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## Pappy (Feb 17, 2020)

Married 63 years and never, ever go to bed mad at each other. Sit up all night, if you need to, but work it out and go to bed holding each other.


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## charry (Feb 17, 2020)

First of all,  be 100%.........then , give and take....ive been lucky the second time round , i knew what i was doing......I.married my best friend and soul mate....We ve always done everything together, 24/7, we have the same hobbies , likes and dislikes......I couldnt live without him ...


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## charry (Feb 17, 2020)

hollydolly said:


> If I'd still been married to my ex it would have been 44 years this summer ... but with the current one it's 19 years... .
> 
> I echo much of what's been said before.. but for me , independence is very important..own space etc...





 same here holly....if i had been married to my ex ,i would of been married 46 yrs, but i would of been doing time in Holloway womens   prison......
but been married to my lovely man , for 31yrs last friday ,Valentines day ..❤
we ve been together 24/7 since then ....never a minute apart ....


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## retiredtraveler (Feb 17, 2020)

Will be married 44 years later this year. As evidenced from other posters, no simple answer as everyone has a different take. For us, we're like minded in most ways and enjoy most activities together. We're both long time planners, we both have the same ideas about money (saving, investing, spending wisely), both like to travel and hike/walk. both work out and try to stay fit and healthly, both like to eat healthy. We come from different backgrounds, but that makes things more interesting. I guess the simple statement is that we're _compatible.  _Some people use the term 'soul mate' for that. I find that to be a silly term and I can't tell you how many people have divorced their soul mate. Life gets too complicated to rely on that simple term. _
_ _
_


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## JustBonee (Feb 17, 2020)

Was married for 49 wonderful years,   and together 55.    We did everything together,  and had mutual respect for one another.   
Over the years if the communication is strong between  the two of you,   everything seems to work itself out until the end.


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## exwisehe (Feb 17, 2020)

After 51 years, I still have a lot to learn.  

Each should allow the other to be themselves.  Do Not try to change each other.  Learn to adjust to what makes the other happy.  For example, my wife would rather for me to take her out to dinner than buy a gift.   So I try to do that, but sometimes I do both.

Be careful about bringing up religious or political issues.  This can bring a lot of divisiveness.  (For example, my wife is Lutheran and I am Baptist - so we attend different churches - I told her to go wherever she feels led).  She is a staunch democrat, and I am independent - many times we have cancelled each other's votes.  This is especially true around family and close friends - do not embarrass each other.

Money management is another issue.  I learned after about 3 years of marriage, that she was better at it than I am.  So ---- she does it, and also the taxes, which I always hated to do.  So I had to learn to take a back seat many times and on many issues.  So that was the hardest thing I had to learn - I am not the one that is most important, so I crucified my ego, go out of the "spotlight" and learned to "give and take".

But its a continuous adjustment.  It takes cooperation day by day.  There is no "secret formula" that works for everyone.


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## Wren (Feb 17, 2020)

Catlady said:


> My marriage only lasted 4 1/2 years and I never remarried  because I never found the right guy.  I think for a marriage to last you have to have at least five things:  Chemistry, compatibility, trust, respect, and lots of compromise.


Life is  too short for me to spend it in misery so, I didn’t last the course  either, I agree with you Catlady, but would add a sense of humour and your own bank account !


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## hollydolly (Feb 17, 2020)

retiredtraveler said:


> Will be married 44 years later this year. As evidenced from other posters, no simple answer as everyone has a different take. For us, we're like minded in most ways and enjoy most activities together. We're both long time planners, we both have the same ideas about money (saving, investing, spending wisely), both like to travel and hike/walk. both work out and try to stay fit and healthly, both like to eat healthy. We come from different backgrounds, but that makes things more interesting. I guess the simple statement is that we're _compatible.  _Some people use the term 'soul mate' for that. I find that to be a silly term and I can't tell you how many people have divorced their soul mate. Life gets too complicated to rely on that simple term.
> _
> _


It's funny isn't it?... my husband and I  are complete opposites...  but we're in our 20th year...  A matchmaking website would never have put us together , ever...


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## JustBonee (Feb 17, 2020)

hollydolly said:


> It's funny isn't it?...* my husband and I  are complete opposites..*.  but we're in our 20th year...  A matchmaking website would never have put us together , ever...



But they say   opposites  attract.


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## hollydolly (Feb 17, 2020)

Bonnie said:


> But they say   opposites  attract.


yes they do Bonnie, but I'm not sure that too many oppposites last long ... I think for that at least one needs to be extremely patient ...


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## Ladybj (Feb 17, 2020)

Knight said:


> Understand that each will change about every 10 years in how they think & what that change means to your relationship.
> 
> Communicate what you like & don't like as time passes very key.
> 
> ...


Hubby and I have raised our voices in disagreement.  We married soo young.  I was 24, he was 22..we had a LONG way to go but I pray we are on the right track now.  Whenever either of us walk out the door, we give each other a hug and kiss.  Due to his work shift, I go to bed before him but we give each other a kiss before we go to bed.  36 years May 2020


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## Ladybj (Feb 17, 2020)

hollydolly said:


> yes they do Bonnie, but I'm not sure that too many oppposites last long ... I think for that at least one needs to be extremely patient ...


EXTREMELY PATIENT..  Speaking from experience.


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## Linda (Feb 17, 2020)

We are on our 56th year of marriage.  We are pretty close, like to hang out together a lot but I am not the fisherperson he is and he is not the artist bookworm that I am.  We are the same but very different  too.


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## toffee (Feb 18, 2020)

agree holly there --- iam a virgo most things have to be precise with me =but married a Piscean -dead opposite to me '
marriage has been a roller coaster of a ride u may say- he is jump in ask qs later --where I am lets think this over first ,
and I like to be tidy -he isnt bothered - lol..


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## Sassycakes (Feb 18, 2020)

*My husband and I met when I was 15yrs old and he was 16yrs old. It was love at first sight for both of us even though I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend. We both broke up the next day with both of them. We've recently celebrated our 53rd wedding anniversary. I wouldn't want to live one day without him.*


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## Peakyblinder (Feb 18, 2020)

My wife died two years ago, we were married for forty years, .....you'll always have arguments....but give and take.....and treat each other well....you won't go far wrong


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## StarSong (Feb 18, 2020)

Speak kindly to one another and about one another.


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## 911 (Feb 18, 2020)

Well, if you do everything mentioned in this tread, you should have a very successful marriage.


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## Lc jones (Feb 18, 2020)

Always be true to your word, never deceive or lie and speak kindly, lastly always lead everything you do with love especially during hard times of which we have had many. Of course we are not perfect but following those loving guidelines have been the main reasons we are still together.


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## CrackerJack (Feb 18, 2020)

M marriage of 51 years up to 2015 was a strong one. We met in our teens in 1959 wed in 1964. Our Sons came along 3 ears later.

In retrospect we loved eachother passionately but it was not an easy relationship in that our personalities clashed in some ways, me and extrovert and hubby rather introvert. Our needs differred in as much I needed alot of affection and tactile and loved cuddles which I didnt get much from my Dad. Hubby was caring but reserved. His parents were not affectionate or tactile with eachother very old school or to hubby and never hugged or displayed emotion.

I can never recall my Hubby saying he loved me and this seems incredible doesnt it? I longed to have him say it without me prompting him and he'd say ofcourse I do which left a void in our relationship to the day he passed away in 2015 suddenly and unexpectedly. I am sad about this and miss his verbal declaration. He was always tactile sexually  but this wasnt enough for me.

For me a successful marriage or partnership is being receptive and sensitive to eachothers needs and most importantly NEVER  take eachother for granted; a Cardinal sin impo. Being a good provider is good but not enough and a relationship needs consideration of eachothers needs and importantly respect.

In conclusion we had a very strong loving marriage but had different needs and didnt recognise them


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## CrackerJack (Feb 18, 2020)

Thank you Pinky


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## Pinky (Feb 18, 2020)

CrackerJack .. my husband is the same way, and his childhood sounds the same as your husband's was. He has come around to being more open with showing affection, while our daughter was growing up. His parents became more open after she was born, and even got to giving their son hugs.

I would have loved to walk with him, holding hands .. but, he wasn't a hand holder, even when we first met in 1972. Oh, I know it shouldn't be all that important. After all, he has so many good qualities that really count in the end. 

It took us separating, then divorcing, and a short remarriage for me, to realize we were meant to be together. So, we are.


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## old medic (Feb 19, 2020)

When folks ask us after 36 years, its get a big house, work opposite shifts and just stay away from each other.....
Don't expect perfection and a smooth ride, but enjoy the Life you share together.


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## CrackerJack (Feb 19, 2020)

Pinky your post is a comfort to me. For me wisdom came with age and experience and in the past 5 years have thought much about my lack of wisdom and insight in my youth thus making mistakes along the way; as we both did and made mistakes that could have cost us our marriage but we stuck in there and not just for the sake of the two boys then in their early teens but  the love bond we had for eachother overrode our troubles but it took many years of patience tears and regrets but we did it and saw or Golden Wedding in 2014.


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