# Live near an active abusive relationship, no one including the abused seems to care



## WhatInThe (Feb 7, 2022)

Live in an apartment with nuisance neighbors who now have a battling couple living there as roomates. They've had several fights over the last year increasing in frequency and intensity. That last one left the woman crying in the hall after a what seems a scuffle and shouting match where the only words used started with the letter f.

But that woman and others in the apartment keep letting this guy back in??? There are drugs and alcohol involved and the girl lost a job and her own apartment which tells you how useful this guy is. They don't help themselves hanging in the apartment days on end partying, playing games along with the drinking and drugging. The guy can't even handle his liquor or drugs when playing games or partying acting stupid and crazed-all signs of someone with an issue to say the least. The landlord doesn't want to get involved in noise issues and others in the building take the blissful ignorance approach.

Never understood the abused sticking with the abuser unless there are children involved and even then there are ways out. I guess it's a form of chemical and emotional dependency. Maybe it's best to let nature take it's course especially when people don't want to help themselves.


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## AnnieA (Feb 7, 2022)

So sorry you're having to deal with this.  I lived in apartments during college and for a few years after and once had to move because of noisy neighbors.  They were only noisy, nothing abusive and I cannot imagine the emotional toll it takes to hear that regularly.  

I can't imagine staying past one incidence of abuse--unless like you said there are children but only if the abusive partner is willing to work on the issues.   It's a dangerous codependency and must be a very strong bond due to all the stories you hear of partners who need hospitalization not pressing charges, people trying to break up public physical fights only to have the partner on the receiving end of the beating turning on the would be rescuer.   

There are people on the board who've been with abusers and broke free.  Maybe they'll offer insight.


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## RFW (Feb 7, 2022)

Sounds like a case of co-dependency. I wonder why the landlord doesn't want to do anything. Can't imagine the state the apartment is in with people like them.


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## WhatInThe (Feb 7, 2022)

What puzzles me here is the other women living in that apartment tolerating it. After the Gabby girl murder over the summer one would figure many women would be more leary of and/or educated about an abusive relationship.

The guy must sell or supply some really good drugs.


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## RFW (Feb 7, 2022)

Sadly it is a common occurrence. Do you feel safe enough to continue living there?


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## Alligatorob (Feb 7, 2022)

WhatInThe said:


> Never understood the abused sticking with the abuser


My wife is a social worker who spent much of her career working with women and children in abusive relationships.  There are lots of reasons these women stay, all of them bad...  But as @RFW said it is common.  

Unfortunately there is little you can do, try to be nice to the woman and call the police when it seems to be getting violent.


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## WhatInThe (Feb 7, 2022)

RFW said:


> Sadly it is a common occurrence. Do you feel safe enough to continue living there?


That's 'an' issue. After I mentioned the noise to the landlord the first time...the actual tenants went out of there way to make extra noise like running the vacuum for a half hour or slamming things upon entering/slamming doors and drawers. There were times I could swear they were tracking my movements from above(check frequently for cameras, mics and holes). They continued with shorter and slightly quieter parties/gatherings for a while.

Many of their subsequent parties were deemed 'get togethers' since they consisted of themselves and other tenants including the abused woman. When her bf arrived on the scene is when things deteriorated overall.  The most recent party they had I heard 'guests' grumbling outside when taking a smoke break(yet the actual tenants smoke pot in there) they should keep it quiet-pfffttt.

Unless I confront them with actual witnesses around I have to pick my battles/contact with them because it's utter disdain for each other.


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## Alligatorob (Feb 7, 2022)

WhatInThe said:


> Unless I confront them with actual witnesses around I have to pick my battles/contact with them because it's utter disdain for each other.


Seems like you either have to figure out how to ignore and live with it, or move.  Sorry this is happening...


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## Pepper (Feb 7, 2022)

Don't confront them @WhatInThe 
They'll both turn on you.  Be careful.  Like @Alligatorob said call the cops when their craziness gets too much.


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## RFW (Feb 7, 2022)

WhatInThe said:


> That's 'an' issue. After I mentioned the noise to the landlord the first time...the actual tenants went out of there way to make extra noise like running the vacuum for a half hour or slamming things upon entering/slamming doors and drawers. There were times I could swear they were tracking my movements from above(check frequently for cameras, mics and holes). They continued with shorter and slightly quieter parties/gatherings for a while.
> 
> Many of their subsequent parties were deemed 'get togethers' since they consisted of themselves and other tenants including the abused woman. When ever her bf arrived on the scene is when things deteriorated overall.  The most recent party they had I heard 'guests' grumbling outside when taking a smoke break(yet the actual tenants smoke pot in there) they should keep it quiet-pfffttt.
> 
> Unless I confront them with actual witnesses around I have to pick my battles/contact with them because it's utter disdain for each other.


It's definitely an uneasy situation to say the least. Personally, I wouldn't be able to tolerate it at all outside of work (I dealt with people like these all the time) and especially when it's so close to home. I don't see this getting better unless somebody, with the authority to do so, yanks them out of there.


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## Pepper (Feb 7, 2022)

Maybe they have a lease that won't be renewed?


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## WhatInThe (Feb 7, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Don't confront them @WhatInThe
> They'll both turn on you.  Be careful.  Like @Alligatorob said call the cops when their craziness gets too much.


That's why I didn't call the cops after the last fight even though it was more physical and visceral than usual because they keep on letting him back in. Sure enough 2 days later the guy is back visiting and in less than a week he was back fulltime. And yes since everyone in that unit can't stand me this is definitely a case for choosing one's battles extremely carefully.

 They only current hope is a new tenant has already experienced noise issues because they go out of their way to be quiet when they're around. They are of similar age so I'm hoping they don't get 'recruited' or invited to their parties. So far they want nothing to do with them.


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## Remy (Feb 7, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Don't confront them @WhatInThe
> They'll both turn on you.  Be careful.  Like @Alligatorob said call the cops when their craziness gets too much.


I'm sorry to say for you that I have to agree with Pepper. People are cruel and they can retaliate. If they have some kind of personality disorder, it's always about them and they could care less what they do to you. It already sounds like they are retaliative and nasty.

I feel extremely bad for you and your landlord is a jerk. My hope is they will move. Sometimes people like this are very unstable and they move around a lot. You deserve better.


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## Autumn72 (Apr 16, 2022)

AnnieA said:


> So sorry you're having to deal with this.  I lived in apartments during college and for a few years after and once had to move because of noisy neighbors.  They were only noisy, nothing abusive and I cannot imagine the emotional toll it takes to hear that regularly.
> 
> I can't imagine staying past one incidence of abuse--unless like you said there are children but only if the abusive partner is willing to work on the issues.   It's a dangerous codependency and must be a very strong bond due to all the stories you hear of partners who need hospitalization not pressing charges, people trying to break up public physical fights only to have the partner on the receiving end of the beating turning on the would be rescuer.
> 
> There are people on the board who've been with abusers and broke free.  Maybe they'll offer insight.


Call someone at a resource center to put aide where it is needed. A resource center has plenty of clues to what is needed to push the right path for all to take without a no for answer. Case closed. And quiet for once. Keep calm, and carry on.


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## win231 (Apr 16, 2022)

Women who stay with an abuser often have self esteem issues & don't think they deserve any better.
Sometimes, they are the same women who judge all men by the abuser _they_ chose.  It enables them to play the "poor me" victim.
And it's much easier than admitting they make stupid choices.


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## Lizzie00 (Apr 16, 2022)

beam me up


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## dseag2 (Apr 16, 2022)

My partner works at a non-profit organization that benefits domestic abuse survivors.  He has met several of these victims. They are typically meek and grateful for any help.

The truth is, they don't have the power to just leave these horrible, abusive relationships.  Many have been brainwashed by their abusers into feeling like they are worth nothing without them.  Children are also sometimes used as leverage to keep the couples together.  Many women who are victims of this abuse will never call the police because they are in fear for their lives.

I'm so sorry you have had to experience these disturbances, but I have the utmost sympathy for victims of domestic abuse.  This says it all.


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## Lavinia (Apr 16, 2022)

Alligatorob said:


> My wife is a social worker who spent much of her career working with women and children in abusive relationships.  There are lots of reasons these women stay, all of them bad...  But as @RFW said it is common.
> 
> Unfortunately there is little you can do, try to be nice to the woman and call the police when it seems to be getting violent.


I was in an abusive relationship and I chose to stay until the children had grown up. Social services offered to help me find somewhere to live but it would mean  living in a very rough area. I knew that we wouldn't fit in and would be targeted by local thugs. My children were raised to high standards and I didn't want them influenced by the locals.
It was a case of making a choice and I feel I made the right one. My children agree.


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## Paco Dennis (Apr 16, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Don't confront them @WhatInThe
> They'll both turn on you.  Be careful.  Like @Alligatorob said call the cops when their craziness gets too much.


We lived next door to one. It had houses all around nearby, and when the abuse got nasty we called the police. We were not afraid of the guy coming after us becuse there are so many neighbors that could of called it in. But, if you are you are the only one in ear shot and call it in, he would know it was you and that could put you in danger. Have the police say it was someone driving pass the house that called it in after they heard the rucus.


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## Autumn72 (Apr 17, 2022)

He needs to live in a jail with his own kind and yet mental institution is right they are total crazy damaged from whatever. A step mother taking revenge for having to take care of the guy she stole from 1st wife.....


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## Alligatorob (Apr 17, 2022)

Lavinia said:


> I was in an abusive relationship and I chose to stay until the children had grown up. Social services offered to help me find somewhere to live but it would mean  living in a very rough area. I knew that we wouldn't fit in and would be targeted by local thugs. My children were raised to high standards and I didn't want them influenced by the locals.
> It was a case of making a choice and I feel I made the right one. My children agree.


That has to have been a hard decision, but the right one.  You are a strong lady!


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## Lavinia (Apr 17, 2022)

Alligatorob said:


> That has to have been a hard decision, but the right one.  You are a strong lady!


Thank you


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## JonSR77 (Apr 17, 2022)

Lavinia said:


> I was in an abusive relationship and I chose to stay until the children had grown up. Social services offered to help me find somewhere to live but it would mean  living in a very rough area. I knew that we wouldn't fit in and would be targeted by local thugs. My children were raised to high standards and I didn't want them influenced by the locals.
> It was a case of making a choice and I feel I made the right one. My children agree.



very sorry that you had this experience.  My friend Virginia worked the graveyard shift at a battered women's shelter.  And, in my work, I ended up counseling a few women who were victims of domestic violence.


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## JonSR77 (Apr 17, 2022)

dseag2 said:


> My partner works at a non-profit organization that benefits domestic abuse survivors.  He has met several of these victims. They are typically meek and grateful for any help.
> 
> The truth is, they don't have the power to just leave these horrible, abusive relationships.  Many have been brainwashed by their abusers into feeling like they are worth nothing without them.  Children are also sometimes used as leverage to keep the couples together.  Many women who are victims of this abuse will never call the police because they are in fear for their lives.
> 
> I'm so sorry you have had to experience these disturbances, but I have the utmost sympathy for victims of domestic abuse.  This says it all.



Yes, quite true. they are often poor, with no connections, no job skills, no money. Not easy to just get out. And there are often credible threats of violence or even death, if they attempt to leave.

Also, proving domestic violence in court, is often very very difficult. 

Doesn't mean people shouldn't try to get out, but it is often difficult.


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## rgp (Apr 18, 2022)

dseag2 said:


> My partner works at a non-profit organization that benefits domestic abuse survivors.  He has met several of these victims. They are typically meek and grateful for any help.
> 
> The truth is, they don't have the power to just leave these horrible, abusive relationships.  Many have been brainwashed by their abusers into feeling like they are worth nothing without them.  Children are also sometimes used as leverage to keep the couples together.  Many women who are victims of this abuse will never call the police because they are in fear for their lives.
> 
> I'm so sorry you have had to experience these disturbances, but I have the utmost sympathy for victims of domestic abuse.  This says it all.




 Intreresting video .... also very sad.

 My mother was abused by her first husband [not my dad] Then, by my dad, as was I. He slammed closed on my fingers, the cozy wing of a 1949 Hudson then leaned on it ...... because i wanted to get out of the car.  I was 3. He tried to cut the throat of my dog, because she growled at him for hitting mom. I grabbed my dog, and he cut my arm with the same straight razor. ........ I was 6

I know she [mom] shouldn't have but ....... she aquired a boyfriend ...... one night when he dropped her off ...... dad empited a clip from an M1Garrand into the car ....... How how missed them both ? I'll never know.

Mom divorced dad, married a guy I'll call 'Red'..... It all started all over again, he pinned me & my mom against the garage wall with his car ...... because i wanted to get my bicycle out and he feared i would scratch his car. ..... I was 8 . He threw mom out the front window of the house ..... it wasn't open. He threw my 1/2 sister's new stereo out of the second floor window, because she was playing Christmas music .... too loud.

She then married a guy I'll call Dave .... he went off one night & tried to shoot both of us with a .22 pistol [my sis was married then, and not in the house]. By then i was 14, and big enough to fight him for the gun, I got it away from him , the police were called and he ended up in a mental ward.

So ...... I know a little something about domestic violence ......

I was married once over 50 years ago ..... it didn't workout , so we divorced after 3+ years.

BTW ....... I have never raised my hand to a woman ........ seldom ever raised my voice.


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## JonSR77 (Apr 18, 2022)

rgp said:


> Intreresting video .... also very sad.
> 
> My mother was abused by her first husband [not my dad] Then, by my dad, as was I. He slammed closed on my fingers, the cozy wing of a 1949 Hudson then leaned on it ...... because i wanted to get out of the car.  I was 3. He tried to cut the throat of my dog, because she growled at him for hitting mom. I grabbed my dog, and he cut my arm with the same straight razor. ........ I was 6
> 
> ...



So very deeply sorry that you had these experiences. I also come from an abusive background. I fully believe everything you say. I have met people with very very very similar experiences in their history. 

And, of course, honoring you for risking your life and disarming that man, to save you and your mom's life. Not a small thing. You are a hero. And I suspect, probably in many other ways, all throughout your life.


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## JonSR77 (Apr 18, 2022)

dseag2 said:


> My partner works at a non-profit organization that benefits domestic abuse survivors.  He has met several of these victims. They are typically meek and grateful for any help.
> 
> The truth is, they don't have the power to just leave these horrible, abusive relationships.  Many have been brainwashed by their abusers into feeling like they are worth nothing without them.  Children are also sometimes used as leverage to keep the couples together.  Many women who are victims of this abuse will never call the police because they are in fear for their lives.
> 
> I'm so sorry you have had to experience these disturbances, but I have the utmost sympathy for victims of domestic abuse.  This says it all.



absolutely wonderful that your partner does this work!


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## Nathan (Apr 18, 2022)

Call the cops!   You have a right *not hear* other people's music-screaming-cussing!  
The property manager seems pretty weak, maybe time to move if nobody in authority is willing to take action.


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## Jeni (Apr 18, 2022)

It is similar to any challenge in life the victim in the case needs to decide to make the change.....and stay the course

It is very difficult as your whole life needs to change...... maybe a move to another area/ situation .....
maybe a  serious change in finances if the abuser was the provider......
and many HARD decisions about cutting contact with others that drag you back.  
It is NEVER about just abuser gone.... it is a life change and a attitude to not accept that .

What is fascinating in @rpg post is ...... mom who somehow managed to find and marry other abusers.....NOT sure if the abusers can spot a woman who is a victim. 

Blissful ignorance........ is the term i would use in all those shows that say AFTER something happens that yes it was obvious but no one said or did anything


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## OneEyedDiva (Apr 18, 2022)

Sorry you are in this situation. I know what it's like to have a noisy neighbor..along with hers and her friends children (may she R.I.P.) I would've moved but rents were three and four times what or mortgage payments here were and at the time I couldn't afford it, so I stayed. Finally she moved out.  Since the landlord doesn't want to get involved and this POS is being tolerated, I'm wondering if people are afraid of him. His housemates may be allowing it because they are afraid and/or he's supplying "good" drugs. It's hard to think that stoners can think rationally and make wise decisions. People are hesitant to get involved these days because someone so off the hook could retaliate and they could be the next ones in a tragic story on the news.


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## JonSR77 (Apr 18, 2022)

Jeni said:


> It is similar to any challenge in life the victim in the case needs to decide to make the change.....and stay the course
> 
> It is very difficult as your whole life needs to change...... maybe a move to another area/ situation .....
> maybe a  serious change in finances if the abuser was the provider......
> ...



In the course of my work, I counseled a few battered women. It is common that they are victims of multiple forms of abuse. What happens is that they get so traumatized by their experiences...that they have a different affect, let us say. They come across as weak or vulnerable...and easier to abuse. And predatory people are sensitive to that. They have a kind of instinct, where they know where their greater chances of success will be. And that is why, once abused, people can fall into a range of abuses.

So, "D's" main abuser was her father. He put her in the hospital, horrible stuff. She was also once locked in a closet for a weekend, by a boyfriend. She got a job as a hostess at a restaurant. The owner tried to push her into prostitution.

Horrible, horrible stuff. She also lost her sense of caution. Her family had a cabin in Northern NJ. One winter, she found a bear hibernating under the cabin. She used to go down there and literally poke the bear with a stick. She thought it was funny. The trauma had just completely distorted her sense of proportion and danger. 

I mention that as an example of how deeply distorted one's thinking can become, by being heavily abused.


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## WhatInThe (Apr 18, 2022)

OneEyedDiva said:


> .....  Since the landlord doesn't want to get involved and this POS is being tolerated, I'm wondering if people are afraid of him. His housemates may be allowing it because they are afraid and/or he's supplying "good" drugs.,,,,


That's my theory somebody up there is supplying the drugs or has connections. But the other variable is money. The actual tenant keeps putting roomates in there so my guess they need money. The woman who hasn't worked in 6 months probably has money issues as well since she gave up her apartment in the building. But this is a possible tell with the boyfriend. If he couldn't bring enough to the table to keep an apartment at an older rent price either he's a bum or he's bringing "something" to the table ie drugs/connections.

Also noticed another pattern with the woman she gets mad after every fight a plays those games super aggressively for the better part of an hour or cranks dance music to maximum volumes(got some recordings of that). She also apparently hates being alone because when other roomates leave leaving her by herself she plays aggressively and loud for a while. For about 3 months she was going out less than an hour a day probably in there 2-3 days at a time. Something's up with her.

The update since I started this thread is they smoke different kinds of pot several days a week rather than occassionally now. The tenant told the landlord she works from home now is why she's around but who the heck does she work for where she can smoke pot and drink by mid morning. After a month of lesser not low game noise they started  playing the music loud again but constantly lower it like they're testing seeing what they can get away with.  They had another "violent" fight again not as long so she bolted came back about an hour later. The landlord knows something's up and said he might be able to get here one day while they're loud or if I can get a recording that would help(recording noise not easy for several reasons)


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## Jeni (Apr 18, 2022)

WhatInThe said:


> The landlord knows something's up and said he might be able to get here one day while they're loud or if I can get a recording that would help(recording noise not easy for several reasons)


I think this is a ridiculous request from some  landlords 
but they do it all the time want the tenant to record or take photos to back up the issue ... IMO that is their job not yours.


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## Jules (Apr 18, 2022)

@WhatInThe  If you have a cell phone there’s likely a recording app on it.


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## WhatInThe (Apr 19, 2022)

Jules said:


> @WhatInThe  If you have a cell phone there’s likely a recording app on it.


It does and I tried using it. Found out that most generic recording apps are designed for the human voice only. Background noise like thumps, thuds, bass music etc are much tougher to record. Some phone and computers actually have filters on their recording apps to so the voice comes records clear which have to be disabled.

I had to download apps designed to record live music to make progress. The mic was capturing the sound looking at the sound graphs, meters etc but to reproducing/playing is another story. Long story short went to discount stores and experimented with various cheap speakers in which a gaming speaker makes the best sound including much of the bass music and some voices in background. Also tried a cheap condenser mic but unless positioned right it won't capture enough sound to reproduce. Can only filter and equalize the recording so much. Also sharing or sending out a recording is tough because the recipient would wind up with many of the same issues. 

Still learning and experimenting but it's time consuming and tiring at times chasing sound. But can't even watch tv or read a book when the party, play games or argue so not much else to do and I'm not leaving the because that would send a message they can chase me out with noise. And they do pay attention to comings and goings.


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