# Disagreement



## oldman (Jul 10, 2022)

My wife and I have very few disagreements and when we do, we can usually settle it in a short time. However, I started a discussion on moving. It’s not the home, but the location. Our previous home burned and we built this home, which at the time was very nice and I liked everything about this place, except the location. I always wanted to move to a place that I chose. Previously, my wife chose the locations of our other homes.

I have a few places that I would like to move to. I gave her my short list, but she doesn’t agree with any of them. I asked her what was her reasoning for each place on the list. On two of the five choices, she just said, “No, I don’t want to live there.” Is that a real answer?

In my opinion, I think she doesn’t like the idea of moving too far away from the children and grandchildren. I haven’t said that to her, but I’m fairly certain I’m right on. I doubt if I’m going to change her mind because I asked her what if I made a new list. She’s insistent on staying put. She wants me to give her a good reason why I feel the need to move. I told her that I was just tired of living here. I have lived in this county practically my whole life. Other than my time in the service, my time away for college and the few months a year we spend in Florida, this area has been home for most of my life.

I feel it’s time for a change. If not now, it will never happen. My closest friend told me that I should concede the loss and do something different to my home to make it seem like a different place. Thoughts?


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## Nathan (Jul 10, 2022)

oldman said:


> *In my opinion, I think she doesn’t like the idea of moving too far away from the children and grandchildren. *
> 
> I feel it’s time for a change. If not now, it will never happen. My closest friend told me that I should concede the loss and do something different to my home to make it seem like a different place. Thoughts?


I think you're correct, my wife is in the same mindset.      Is the current location of your home in an area that has undesirable features(high crime, poor infrastructure etc?).         You could transform your home, but if it is the location that you object to, not sure what can be done.
Erect fence or plant trees to block the view of the surroundings.   Build a courtyard or atrium, that's something I always wanted.


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## win231 (Jul 10, 2022)

I never understood the reason - _"It's time for a change."_  When I make a change, it's because of an improvement or some type of benefit.  Especially when the change involves a hassle, like moving.
And not wanting to be too far from loved ones is a legitimate reason to stay where you are.


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## JaniceM (Jul 10, 2022)

win231 said:


> I never understood the reason - _"It's time for a change."_  When I make a change, it's because of an improvement or some type of benefit.
> And not wanting to be too far from loved ones is a legitimate reason to stay where you are.


Agreed on both points.


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## bingo (Jul 10, 2022)

if you have family  close there...and they  are  helpful...stay put


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## Wren (Jul 10, 2022)

Hi oldman, maybe your  wife feels it’s already too late, if the worst should happen and either one of you were suddenly left on your own, it makes sense not to want to be too far away from your children and grandchildren, and wonder why, if this is the reason, your wife hasn’t told you 

How about a compromise and, spending the money it would’ve cost to move, on some adventurous  trips and long stay  holidays, enjoy it knowing you have a secure home to return to with a loving family close by without the permanence and upheaval of moving


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## RadishRose (Jul 10, 2022)

I also think it's the kids and the grands. I also think she may just not be up to a major change like moving house and a different locale.

Moving is way up there on life's stressors along with death and divorce.

I understand your desire for a major change, but your wife is in no way ready. Just my 2-cents. Good luck.


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## Gaer (Jul 10, 2022)

Pray, What have we to with it?  
Think about who you are asking about a major life decision.
This is a husband/wife decision.
Even if all of us agreed with you, your wife does not.

You might take her on a vacation to a place you are considering.
While you are there, you might ask if she loves it enough to move there.
or, Get a second home there?
You are restless.  Maybe you could flip a coin or buy a boat. (tee-hee)


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## horseless carriage (Jul 10, 2022)

oldman said:


> My wife and I have very few disagreements and when we do, we can usually settle it in a short time. However, I started a discussion on moving. It’s not the home, but the location. Our previous home burned and we built this home, which at the time was very nice and I liked everything about this place, except the location. I always wanted to move to a place that I chose. Previously, my wife chose the locations of our other homes.
> 
> I have a few places that I would like to move to. I gave her my short list, but she doesn’t agree with any of them. I asked her what was her reasoning for each place on the list. On two of the five choices, she just said, “No, I don’t want to live there.” Is that a real answer?
> 
> ...


You and your wife have few disagreements, any spats are settled in a short time. Well done the pair of you.
Following the fire at your previous home you built the place where you are and loved it. But you're not happy with the location.
Is that all? Seriously?
You give your wife a short list of where you want to move to and she replies that she doesn't want to live at any of them. 
In response you question if her reply is a real answer. What happened to: "_You and your wife have few disagreements, any spats are settled in a short time_?"
What is so unreasonable in wanting to stay close to family? Your closest friend said that you should concede the loss. What loss. You want some advice?
Count your blessings.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 10, 2022)

win231 said:


> I never understood the reason - _"It's time for a change."_  When I make a change, it's because of an improvement or some type of benefit.  Especially when the change involves a hassle, like moving.
> And not wanting to be too far from loved ones is a legitimate reason to stay where you are.


Change for the sake of a change. That's all. And I can relate. I like moving to a different place. Different scenery, new faces, new places to do business with... It's stimulating.


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## win231 (Jul 10, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Change for the sake of a change. That's all. And I can relate. I like moving to a different place. Different scenery, new faces, new places to do business with... It's stimulating.


Yes, that gives me a better understanding.  Some people can get bored with the "sameness."


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## Jackie23 (Jul 10, 2022)

Yes, on the long trips or rent a summer home somewhere...JMO, but an all out move when we reach our senior years seems not ideal.


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## Colleen (Jul 10, 2022)

We just moved back to our home state in PA. We were both raised in different parts of the country but when we met he lived in PA so that's where I settled and worked, too. Then our lives changed and we weren't married at the time so he moved to CA to be closer to his kids. I stayed in PA. I had a good job and friends. We met up again in 1997 and I went to CA with him. We got married and lived there until he retired in 2001. He wanted to sell the house and everything we had and buy a fifth-wheel and truck and travel around the country, so we did that for 3 1/2 years. Then, he wanted to settle in TX so we bought a home and lived there for a few years.

We moved back to PA in 2008 (my idea, not his) and bought a home. We stayed there for 6 years and he decided he wanted to go to AZ, which we did. I loved my house in PA and we had great neighbors, friends, church, family not too far away and it was peaceful.

We lived in AZ for 8+ years and I threatened to leave after the first 3 years and go back to PA and he'd always tell me to pack up and go. I didn't and hated every minute there but I was resigned to the fact that that was going to be our last move as he was 81 and I was 75 by then.

Then, one day, he asked me if I still wanted to go back to PA and I was so happy I could have cried. It was tough and expensive but we made the move in February and we're finally getting settled in after a couple months of renovations but we both love it here and he's said so many times that we should have come back sooner.

My point is...you HAVE to BOTH agree on where you want to be. Believe me, life doesn't get any longer as you get older and the clock is ticking.
Don't waste time living somewhere you can't be happy in. Compromise on a location. Talk to her and find out what's really on her mind about why she doesn't want to leave. Respect that. Don't MAKE her go somewhere she's going to resent you for down the road.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 10, 2022)

Gaer said:


> *You might take her on a vacation to a place you are considering.
> While you are there, you might ask if she loves it enough to move there.
> or, Get a second home there?*
> You are restless.  Maybe you could flip a coin or buy a boat. (tee-hee)


That's exactly what I was going to suggest. If you can afford to take your wife on an extended vacation once or twice a year, maybe she'd change her mind. But even if she doesn't, you'd get a break from the same old place. Might be a good compromise.

If the Missus is reluctant about vacationing, consider taking one of your kids or grandkids or great-grandkids along with the two of you. My siblings and I got to take turns vacationing with our grandparents every year. Some great memories.


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## Knight (Jul 10, 2022)

Not much to go on so I'll ask what I is missing for me.

1. What location do you want to move to?
2. What's wrong with your current location?
3.Do you want to build again or buy what is available?

Then there is this.
Quote
In my opinion, I think she doesn’t like the idea of moving too far away from the children and grandchildren. I haven’t said that to her, but I’m fairly certain I’m right on.

1. Rather than form an opinion why not ask your wife if in fact not wanting to relocate is because she wants to stay close to family?
2. Why don't you want to stay close to family? 
3. Have you thought about what her life will be like away from family if you die 1st?


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## hollydolly (Jul 10, 2022)

Nope I disagree with most people above... I feel that as you've never been allowed to choose where to live, then you've never been 100 % happy in your home, and I feel your wife is being a little selfish in not realising that you need to be happy too.. 

I think your reasons for wanting to move are sound, and it's precisely the reason I would like to move, pastures new... and as you say if not now. it will be never. You're not too old or infirm  that you need family on your doorstep, so that argument doesn't wash.. They're all grown with their own families..and in todays climate you can face time, and video chat.. you don't have to be next door to see them


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## MarciKS (Jul 10, 2022)

oldman said:


> My wife and I have very few disagreements and when we do, we can usually settle it in a short time. However, I started a discussion on moving. It’s not the home, but the location. Our previous home burned and we built this home, which at the time was very nice and I liked everything about this place, except the location. I always wanted to move to a place that I chose. Previously, my wife chose the locations of our other homes.
> 
> I have a few places that I would like to move to. I gave her my short list, but she doesn’t agree with any of them. I asked her what was her reasoning for each place on the list. On two of the five choices, she just said, “No, I don’t want to live there.” Is that a real answer?
> 
> ...


You saying you're tired of living there is really no different than her not wanting to live there. Both are not really an answer IMO. Maybe try being more direct and asking her if it's because of the children. Sometimes beating around the bush with women is pointless. You might get farther along in the discussion if you just say what you think.


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## ElCastor (Jul 10, 2022)

Whoa! This forum is not a place to study your relationship with your wife and  ”time for a change“ is far too vague a reason to uproot your home. Sit down with yourself and decide specifically why YOU believe a move is appropriate and necessary, with an emphasis on specifics. Next give some thought to why your wife might object to your reasons. She just might be right, but at least approach a discussion with her with a thorough understanding of her likely feelings in the matter. Then, when you are fully prepared, sit down with your partner in life, discuss the issues, and come to a mutually agreeable solution.


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## Don M. (Jul 10, 2022)

I occasionally bring up the same topic of discussion with my wife, and she also disagrees with any suggestion I make.  However, I know the day is coming when my ability to maintain this rural property will end, and we will have little choice.  There is a nice medium sized city about 30 miles away that would be my choice....all the necessary amenities, and roughly the same distance from the family members.  Hopefully, she will begin to see the need to plan for the day when we begin to decline.  Moving would be a major hassle, but if she were suddenly left alone here, it would be a real mess for her.


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## Em in Ohio (Jul 10, 2022)

Knight said:


> Not much to go on so I'll ask what I is missing for me.
> 
> 1. What location do you want to move to?
> 2. What's wrong with your current location?
> ...


I formulated the same questions in my mind in what I was about to post.  So, I truly believe that you need to answer these for yourself.  'Being bored' seems like a midlife crisis, in my opinion.


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## RadishRose (Jul 10, 2022)

Didn't Oldman say they live in Florida for a few months each year?


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## MarciKS (Jul 10, 2022)

Don M. said:


> I occasionally bring up the same topic of discussion with my wife, and she also disagrees with any suggestion I make.  However, I know the day is coming when my ability to maintain this rural property will end, and we will have little choice.  There is a nice medium sized city about 30 miles away that would be my choice....all the necessary amenities, and roughly the same distance from the family members.  Hopefully, she will begin to see the need to plan for the day when we begin to decline.  Moving would be a major hassle, but if she were suddenly left alone here, it would be a real mess for her.


Do you tell her that or just ask her if she's considered moving?


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## hollydolly (Jul 10, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> Didn't Oldman say they live in Florida for a few months each year?


yes and he also said he's never been given the choice as to where they live , it's always been his wife's choice..


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## RadishRose (Jul 10, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> yes and he also said he's never been given the choice as to where they live , it's always been his wife's choice..


Well, it must be his turn then.


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## Della (Jul 10, 2022)

Well for all those who say this isn't the place to talk about this -- I say it's a great place to talk about almost anything.  First of all, typing things out helps put our thoughts in order.  Just explaining a situation can reveal things we hadn't considered and second, you have all this free expert advice!

To Oldman I would say:  You want to make a change and to live in a place you have chosen. (I don't blame you)
She wants (we think): To be close to the children and not have the moving hassle.

Maybe you can find a place you like that is still close enough to the kids to suit her and you can promise to handle the moving details yourself.  

When we moved here it was the same town, but about ten miles away, from country to suburbs, two story cape cod to brick ranch, two acre lot  to a half acre, all different neighbors -- it seemed like a wonderful change, everything is easier to keep up and we're happier all around.


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## Geezerette (Jul 10, 2022)

Would it be feasible to acquire a vacation home in one of the places you’d like to live in, by yourself part time, like a few months or weeks at a time?  Are you both healthy enough and independent enough to take care of your needs on your own? Wouldn’t have to be large, a cottage, cabin, or apartment? 

 I actually know a couple in their 60s who have been living apart, part time, successfully for a few years. I don’t know what led up to it, but they get together for a few weeks several times a year like holidays, events like weddings. I don’t know what led up to it and nobody we know has nerve enough to ask them. The wife doesn’t have a job and the husband makes enough to afford it.


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## Knight (Jul 10, 2022)

Em in Ohio said:


> I formulated the same questions in my mind in what I was about to post.  So, I truly believe that you need to answer these for yourself.  'Being bored' seems like a midlife crisis, in my opinion.


You do mean oldman I hope.


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## Geezer Garage (Jul 10, 2022)

Maybe buy your self a cabin in one of those places you like.


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## JustBonee (Jul 10, 2022)

oldman said:


> In my opinion, I think she doesn’t like the idea of moving too far away from the children and grandchildren. I haven’t said that to her, but I’m fairly certain I’m right on. I doubt if I’m going to change her mind because I asked her what if I made a new list. She’s insistent on staying put.



You answered your own question  ....  now discuss your  feelings about that with her. 

I think women in general are more secure around family.  and just feel happier with that closeness, especially in old age.  
Giving up living around the grandkids and watching them grow is asking a lot. 

Seems to me that men  can wander more freely,    and not feel that importance of having the closeness of  family..  JMO


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## Wren (Jul 10, 2022)

.


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## Wren (Jul 10, 2022)

Bonnie said:


> You answered your own question  ....  now discuss your  feelings about that with her.
> 
> I think women in general are more secure around family.  and just feel happier with that closeness, especially in old age.
> Giving up living around the grandkids and watching them grow is asking a lot.
> ...


It also depends on  circumstances, obviously a person with one child they don’t see very often, and no grandchildren would view the situation very differently to somebody with a large, close family


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## IrisSenior (Jul 10, 2022)

I guess you need to ask your wife WHY she doesn't want to move. Maybe she wants to keep close to the grandkids or maybe she won't want to move to where you want to move. Good luck!


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## win231 (Jul 10, 2022)

Happy wife, happy life.
And vice versa.


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## JustBonee (Jul 10, 2022)

win231 said:


> Happy wife, happy life.
> And vice versa.



I guess they say that for a reason ...


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## RadishRose (Jul 10, 2022)

Women have a profound desire to "feather their nests". It's part of how many women are. The safety of home, protection and closeness to family are deeply ingrained. 

Moving can be traumatic to a certain degree depending on her past experiences. I think age does play a part, making women feel more vulnerable.


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## JustBonee (Jul 10, 2022)




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## Happy Heart (Jul 10, 2022)

Colleen said:


> We just moved back to our home state in PA. We were both raised in different parts of the country but when we met he lived in PA so that's where I settled and worked, too. Then our lives changed and we weren't married at the time so he moved to CA to be closer to his kids. I stayed in PA. I had a good job and friends. We met up again in 1997 and I went to CA with him. We got married and lived there until he retired in 2001. He wanted to sell the house and everything we had and buy a fifth-wheel and truck and travel around the country, so we did that for 3 1/2 years. Then, he wanted to settle in TX so we bought a home and lived there for a few years.
> 
> We moved back to PA in 2008 (my idea, not his) and bought a home. We stayed there for 6 years and he decided he wanted to go to AZ, which we did. I loved my house in PA and we had great neighbors, friends, church, family not too far away and it was peaceful.
> 
> ...


I was born and raised in Ohio, but my husband was raised in AZ, so when I my VW nearly slid into a moving train on an icy road one winter, I felt it was time to give it up.  AZ was fun until summer.  I did like horseback riding in the Superstitions and Sedona, as well as learning how to cook Mexican food, however, my dreams were filled with my dying at my desk and no one noticed after 15 years.  I had outgrown the husband and AZ, so off to the Bay Area.  Twenty years on, the traffic, intense competition, and watching my culture vanish - it was time to move on again.  My husband's family remains the Bay Area but they don't seem to miss him too much.  It was a real blessing to live in a small town, near a hospital and medical offices within walking distance, especially during the pandemic.  Sometimes, the reason we move to one place is no longer useful and there is no point to stay.  
Each move was filled with fear but the pain of staying was stronger.


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## palides2021 (Jul 10, 2022)

If it were me, this is what I would have thought - 

1) You said your previous house burned down and you built a new one. That probably took a big toll on you and your wife as you made choices on building your new house. You stamped your identity on the house you're living in. Moving does not guarantee that you will find happiness. Any house you will move into will probably require some work and maintenance to make it the way you want it. She might not want to go through that hassle. Unless you buy a brand new house.....

2) Like others here, family is important as we grow older. If something happened to one of you, you would have family to support you through the difficult times. I try not to underestimate the value of family.

3) You mentioned changing location - you're already spending time in Florida besides your house. If you're looking for adventure, take a trip or vacation if you can afford it. Maybe a change of pace is what you're looking for?

4) Become more involved in your community/church etc. So you feel more connected, if possible, to the location.

5) Make a list of what you want in a house, and include location in it (size/bedrooms/acreage/location/weather/cost of living/price of home/etc). Ask her to do the same. Maybe list 10 items. Then give each item 10 points and see where your similarities and differences are.

6) Last, communicate, communicate, communicate!


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## ElCastor (Jul 10, 2022)

Don M. said:


> I occasionally bring up the same topic of discussion with my wife, and she also disagrees with any suggestion I make.  However, I know the day is coming when my ability to maintain this rural property will end, and we will have little choice.  There is a nice medium sized city about 30 miles away that would be my choice....all the necessary amenities, and roughly the same distance from the family members.  Hopefully, she will begin to see the need to plan for the day when we begin to decline.  Moving would be a major hassle, but if she were suddenly left alone here, it would be a real mess for her.


I think I understand where you are coming from. As a kid, the family and I would spend a week or two in most summers fishing and swimming at California's Clear Lake. It was great! I loved it and back then thought what a wonderful place to retire, but as age crept up on me the idea became increasingly impractical and no longer had much appeal. Prior to coming here I spent many years in another retirement group. One of the members had chosen to retire on Orcas Island in Puget Sound, a beautiful place, but a long ferry ride to Seattle. He and his wife spent many years there living on a mountain side. As time wore on they moved closer to Orcas's small town, but even that wasn't enough. He finally had to admit that taking all day for a 15 minute doctor appointment just wasn't working, and they moved to the mainland. As we age, an ability to drive, as well as proximity to friends, family members, and the amenities of civilization can be a major issue.


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## Nathan (Jul 10, 2022)

Don M. said:


> I know the day is coming when my ability to maintain this rural property will end, and we will have little choice.


That is always in the back of my mind, I dread that inevitable time...


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## oldman (Jul 11, 2022)

All great answers, suggestions and ideas. It’s not that I couldn’t be happy staying put, but I like change. I wrote a few times that my dad made a career in the Army, but fortunately, we only moved four times throughout his career.

I really do believe that I am involved in a argument that I am not going to win. We live in a low crime area, good neighborhood, most  everything is the way most people would want their surroundings to be. Our children live within 10 minutes of our home and the grandchildren that are grown also live nearby. I think this is going to be a no-win situation

For now, I am going to leave the subject alone for another few months and when fall gets here, I can remind her of the cold weather with the snow, sleet and ice season we are about to take on again. My wife does not like the cold weather, let alone the precipitation.

Thanks for all the replies. I will let you know when I reopen this Pandora’s box later in the fall.


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## Gary O' (Jul 11, 2022)

Geezer Garage said:


> Maybe buy your self a cabin in one of those places you like.


That's where my mind immediately goes
('cept in my case it'd be build not buy)

On the other hand
vacations are great to come home from

Anymore, we take virtual trips
Home always looks/feels better after those


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## oldman (Jul 11, 2022)

Gary O' said:


> That's where my mind immediately goes
> ('cept in my case it'd be build not buy)
> 
> On the other hand
> ...


If I would have read Gary’s posts back when I first retired, I would have considered it just as a place to spend long weekends.


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## MountainRa (Jul 11, 2022)

Do some traveling. Look into AirBnB or VRBO rentals. You’ll feel like you’re living in a different house!
Now may not be the best time to jump into the housing market in the USA.


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## fuzzybuddy (Jul 11, 2022)

O;ldman, you aren't happy where you live now. Make a list of your reasons why. Discuss the list with your wife. I wouldn't be too hopeful about changing your wife's view about moving-leaving behind family and especially grandkids.  Maybe if you had concrete plans on where you'd like to live. I assume you aren't going to ditch your wife, take your list and see how to minimize your wanderlust.


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## JaniceM (Jul 11, 2022)

win231 said:


> Happy wife, happy life.
> And vice versa.


Except individuals who are single, and don't need to have that concern.


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## Em in Ohio (Jul 11, 2022)

Knight said:


> You do mean oldman I hope.


Haha - I was going to post the same questions to oldman,  actually.  But, I'd never accuse YOU of a midlife crisis, of course!  I do think you and several other people, excluding me, gave him good advice!


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