# Being a Spouse and a Caregiver and Everything Else



## fureverywhere (Jun 23, 2016)

I mean I know it hasn't gotten anywhere near as bad as it might eventually go. But when you have to care for your partner it puts your relationship in a new world. Like yesterday, hubby can't care for his toenails anymore. It took my daughter and I to get his sandals off and on. Next time I'm taking him to my nail place. They have male patrons and they can do a pedicure way better than me.

Or today my daughter had a minor gynecological issue. I pulled the nurse aside and explained the issue and that my girl is on the autism spectrum and has never had a pelvic exam or anything remote. Oh that was no fun but I took care of it. I mean I know her better than other people and have to be her advocate too. I think it's time I find a caregivers support group and keep my exercise on regular schedule.


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## Sweetpea (Jun 23, 2016)

* I know caregivers are really stressed.   I was one for over 10 yrs. with my Mom who had Dementia.   I cooked meals for her and my Dad for 4 yrs. Then Dad died suddenly and I moved Mom in with me.  Cared for her for till I could no longer handle her.  Then it was a nursing home for 4 more yrs. I would do it all,over,again though.   So hang in there and a support group would really help you.   Blesssings and prayers are sent your way.*


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## SeaBreeze (Jun 23, 2016)

I feel for you.   We just took care of my inlaws for several years in my home.  My FIL was half paralyzed from a major stroke, I did his nails and all other care, my husband did more than me with both of them.  It was a 24/7 thing and it was really very stressful for sure.  Thankfully my husband is okay and able to be on his own, but we don't know what the future will bring for either of us.  Hoping for the best.

I agree with Sweetpea Fur, sometimes you need a support group to talk to, you don't want to break down yourself. :love_heart:  I'd do it all over again too for my inlaws, better than having them go to a nursing home, which neither of them wanted.  Who does?


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## Phoenix (Jun 28, 2016)

I agree, a support group could really help.  Talking to others who are dealing with the same thing could be a sanity saver for you.  It's what I would do/will do if it comes to that in my life.


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## Buckeye (Jun 28, 2016)

SeaBreeze said:


> {snip} I'd do it all over again too for my inlaws, *better than having them go to a nursing home, which neither of them wanted.  Who does*?


Who does?  I do! I was a part-time care giver for my first wife, who died in 2002 from ALS. I was still working so, for the last few months, we had someone come into the home week days to help.  I was most recently a full-time care giver for my second wife, who died this past Easter from cancer. I can tell you that (a) I can't do that again. (b) I don't want anyone I love to have to do that for me.  If/when I can't take care of myself, my son is instructed to put me in the cheapest nursing home he can find, kiss me on the forehead, walk out and don't look back.  God willing, though, I go out via a heart attack and the issue will be moot.


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## fureverywhere (Jun 28, 2016)

I mean with hubby...I'll talk honestly for others who go through...or have already gone through this. I mean he's "still in the mood" quite often. I feel that must be a good thing. But I see how he's wasted down...oh dear Gawd. Are there folks out there who are almost to changing Depends in the forseeable future...but seeing them as your spouse and sex too?

My daughter it's the opposite. At 14 both her sisters shut me off across the board. With her I know more personally about her than she might know herself. It's um disturbing to say the least. Two different groups? One group? Hubby gradually disabled and my girl just challenged forever...You just want to hide forever some days.


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## NancyNGA (Jun 28, 2016)

SeaBreeze said:


> ... better than having them go to a nursing home, which neither of them wanted.  *Who does?*



I'm with Hoot on this one.  I would not *dream* of letting a relative (or husband if I had one) take care of me, and hope I have enough sense to arrange things so that it doesn't turn out that way, before I lose my mental facilities.  I would dread every single day watching someone give up part of their lives for this.  If I didn't, then my mind would have gone already, and it wouldn't be me anymore.

When my mother was in rehab after a hospital stay, they gave her a room in the long term nursing home section for 3 weeks because of security.  This was a great place, and I watched their operations on a 24/7 basis.  I would have no hesitation to go there. My only complaint was they paid their attendants just above minimum wage.  Most of the patients there had some degree of dementia, and I soon found out you couldn't believe what they were saying, and they all complained about something.  The staff made heroic efforts in many cases, and most of the time got nothing but aggravation.  

I would* much* rather pay a stranger, and pay them _*more*_ than minimum wage, to put up with me.


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## Lon (Jun 28, 2016)

The fact that I am 10 years older than my ex wife had much to do with our otherwise amicable divorce. As I approach age 82 I am in reasonably in good health but have a couple of conditions that could result in my ex being a caregiver at some point. I think she cringed at that thought & I can't say I blame her.


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## Underock1 (Jun 28, 2016)

Those stories resonate with me. Been there. Done that. Its hard. Very hard. Especially when you're old and tired yourself. As others have said, I would still be happy to do it again. Now that she's gone, I would give anything to hear her voice again. Even if it was calling "Honey I need you" from the other room.


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## Phoenix (Jun 29, 2016)

When I was handling things for my mom I was at a stage in my life where I only got 2 hours of sleep per night.  It was hard to cope.  She lived 75 miles of winding roads away.  My husband was ill.  It can totally suck.  I was relieved when she passed.  It's been nearly seven years, and I'm still just feel relieved.


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## Underock1 (Jun 29, 2016)

Phoenix said:


> When I was handling things for my mom I was at a stage in my life where I only got 2 hours of sleep per night.  It was hard to cope.  She lived 75 miles of winding roads away.  My husband was ill.  It can totally suck.  I was relieved when she passed.  It's been nearly seven years, and I'm still just feel relieved.



Well done. I fully get that.


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## Phoenix (Jun 29, 2016)

Underock1 said:


> Well done. I fully get that.



When I tell most people this, they look at me like I'm uncaring.  I'd like to be able miss her.  I'd like to have been able to enjoy her last years. She did.  But I was worn out.  My only comfort is that I did right by her.


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## AprilSun (Jul 10, 2016)

My husband was sick with cancer for 5 years and the last 3 were the worst. What helped me was a friend who had gone through the same thing. She told me anytime I needed to talk, to feel free to call her and I did. She helped me so much just knowing there was someone out there that understood! After he died, she was still there for me because she had gone through that stage of it also before me. I have told her just how much she helped me but really, words can not express the full extent of how much she did. Find someone to talk to. That will help more than anything.


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## Phoenix (Jul 10, 2016)

AprilSun said:


> My husband was sick with cancer for 5 years and the last 3 were the worst. What helped me was a friend who had gone through the same thing. She told me anytime I needed to talk, to feel free to call her and I did. She helped me so much just knowing there was someone out there that understood! After he died, she was still there for me because she had gone through that stage of it also before me. I have told her just how much she helped me but really, words can not express the full extent of how much she did. Find someone to talk to. That will help more than anything.



Thanks.  I worked my mom's death through years ago.  She died in 2009.  I was just giving an example.


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## fureverywhere (Jul 10, 2016)

See some of you have already gone through things I can't even imagine. I guess it's like my daughter, just one day at a time and dealing with it all bit by bit. I mean I feel bad, but when he asks me to rub pain reliever into his back. I can see how he's deteriorating and I want to scream. I've always been petite...120, 140 at my heaviest or while pregnant. He was always linebacker sized. You know my son would have to pick me up now if there was a problem. Dealing with hubby and daughter together...But there are still things to look forward to. My actual birthday is tomorrow...sucks to be me But I'm taking my daughter to "The Secret World of Pets", wish they had sub-titles but it sounds like great fun. On Wednesday my Dad, his partner, both sons including Mr. Baby! are all meeting at my favorite diner...savor the day ya know?


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## Phoenix (Jul 11, 2016)

Happy birthday, Fur.  Yes, it sucks to have to  go through what you are going through and to be locked into it because you're a good person and you care.  Be kind to yourself today and find something just for you, something that makes you feel better.  I feel better and more energized when I wear red and eat chocolate.


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## Shalimar (Jul 11, 2016)

Phoenix said:


> When I tell most people this, they look at me like I'm uncaring.  I'd like to be able miss her.  I'd like to have been able to enjoy her last years. She did.  But I was worn out.  My only comfort is that I did right by her.


I feel exactly the same about my mother. I am still worn nine years later.


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