# Going out with friends..without Husband/wife



## Marie5656 (Oct 24, 2022)

*Had this happen not long ago.  I was having a DM conversation with a couple  childhood friends from the old neighborhood. I am, of course widowed, another never married, third married.  We decided we wanted to get together for lunch and catch up. 
The married one asked if we could do it on a weekend....no issues there. But he reasoning was she and husband NEVER did anything separate from each other...never. So, she was going to bring him.  Though the plan was a just the girls meal. 
Nope...this one would not even consider going without hubby...though he would be the only man.  She gave no reasn ecept they always did all social activities together.

The plans fell through..and the other single lady just decided to go together.

Anyone else know people like this??*


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## MountainRa (Oct 24, 2022)

I don’t know anyone like this but I would find it highly aggravating if someone insisted on bringing a spouse who was not invited.


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## Alligatorob (Oct 24, 2022)

Marie5656 said:


> Anyone else know people like this??


All kinds of people in the world.  

I never mind someone bringing another to dinner or whatever, but I am sure some do.


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## Gary O' (Oct 24, 2022)

MountainRa said:


> I don’t know anyone like this but I would find it highly aggravating if someone insisted on bringing a spouse who was not invited.


Just plant him in the bar
Pick him up after lunch


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## DaveA (Oct 24, 2022)

I think some of the folks on here live that way.  Quite a few "Never's" who spend a lifetime never going anywhere without their partner.  I suppose if you have an inkling that your partner might stray, that may be reason enough to accompany them to situations where they're not wanted as Marie mentioned in her post.

And please, let's not hear the old "we have the same interests".  Of course you must have a great many similar interests if you a happily married couple but EVERWHERE only together ???

Sounds like the truth is a "shall not mention" type of thing that make these folks uncomfortable.  I can't speak for the women but I think I'd wonder about the men traipsing around with their wives on obvious female ventures especially situations such as Marie's gathering.


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## Teacher Terry (Oct 24, 2022)

I find it really weird. Even the closest of couples need space otherwise it’s unhealthy.


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## NorthernLight (Oct 24, 2022)

One of the 3 women wanted to bring her husband. So how can you say the "plan" was females only? Whose plan? Apparently not hers.

If I were in Marie's position, and Lady #3 wanted to bring her spouse (or any other friend or relative), I wouldn't think it strange or inconvenient. 

As for why they do everything together, that's their business. The question was whether I know couples like this. Probably.


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## Jules (Oct 24, 2022)

We had one friend who always brought her husband and he sat at the bar, just like suggested by @Gary O'.  Eventually we asked him to join us; it was a slightly different vibe to the conversation.  Sometimes it’s good to just have conversations with friends.


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## NorthernLight (Oct 24, 2022)

Sure it will be a sightly different vibe. Not necessarily bad though?


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## Jules (Oct 24, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> Sure it will be a sightly different vibe. Not necessarily bad though?


It wasn’t bad.  It’s just that sometimes people need a brief respite from the spouse, even for an hour or two.  Birds of a feather flock together.


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## Tish (Oct 25, 2022)

I don't know anyone like that.


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## Been There (Oct 25, 2022)

Being single all my life, I have been excluded from certain events where only couples would go out together. I understand that and bear no hard feelings towards them for leaving me out. On one occasion, we were in the clubhouse showering and changing clothes after a round of golf when one of the other men in out party of 3 spoke up and told 2 other men not to forget they were going to meet outside at the theater on Saturday night. When I asked about it, (I was only asking because I wanted to know who they were going to see), the main guy reminding the others told me that this wasn't for me. It was a couples only night out. So, I told him if he would have invited me, I could have brought along a date. When I found out that it was some piano player that I never heard of, I told them to never mind. I can't stand to sit and listen to 2 hours of someone banging on the keys. One of the other men offered me to take his place and I said "No, thanks."


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## hollydolly (Oct 25, 2022)

I used to know a woman like that.. but I think there was several reasons behind it.. One she was incapable of holiding a conversation by herself always deferring to the husband for his opinions.. secondly she didn't drive, so he took her everywhere, and thirdly, she never had money of her own so he picked up the cheque


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## Mr. Ed (Oct 25, 2022)

My wife is considerate and so am I when it comes to including each other with friends. However, in some cases she and I need to spend time with friends without the other half. Not that anything would happen to detriment our relationship, the fact of the matter is we both like to do things with other people besides ourselves. Plus by spending limited time with personal friends opens an opportunity to share the event with your significant other or spouse.


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## Muskrat (Oct 25, 2022)

We work it both ways and never think twice. If I manage to make book club this is a women’s event. I don’t know how it evolved to be such a thing…but it is. My guy might stop at the local pub or go to a concert with his long time buddies….and that is fine by me. Sometimes it is a couple thing and we both like all the people involved and have a blast. If my friend wanted to bring her husband then we would invite them all I suppose.


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## Right Now (Oct 25, 2022)

I do know a few couples who have been married decades, yet never venture to the supermarket or shopping, or dinner without their mate. Joined at the hip, always and forever.  If that is their comfort zone (and apparently it is), I would not interfere or try to change them after all this time.

My thought about this is that wouldn't it be refreshing to interact separately your friends.  When you are home, there would be something new to share.  I can't imagine not sharing events of the day with my mate because they had the very same encounters I did.  Sounds boring, and stifling to me.


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## charry (Oct 25, 2022)

Teacher Terry said:


> I find it really weird. Even the closest of couples need space otherwise it’s unhealthy.


i never gone anywhere without my husband in 36 years, and ive never wanted to,
all our interests and  hobbies are the same and we even worked together .....
why get marries ,when you prefer other peoples company.... thats why i divorced my first hubby , he preffered his mates...
well i told him to have his mates........

and now ive been with hubby 10yrs 24/7 without carers or support....since his stroke
i love his company .....hes supportive, funny, and just great.....hes my councillor also....

its never unhealthy terry


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## charry (Oct 25, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I used to know a woman like that.. but I think there was several reasons behind it.. One she was incapable of holiding a conversation by herself always deferring to the husband for his opinions.. secondly she didn't drive, so he took her everywhere, and thirdly, she never had money of her own so he picked up the cheque


OMG ..i would of soon got rid  of that guy !!!!!


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## charry (Oct 25, 2022)

Jules said:


> It wasn’t bad.  It’s just that sometimes people need a brief respite from the spouse, even for an hour or two.  Birds of a feather flock together.


i disagree.....JMO


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## Bella (Oct 25, 2022)

I can't imagine why the husband would want to go along to "have lunch with the girls". It could be that his wife insists he be there because she doesn't want to go by herself. I wonder how he feels about it. Does he want to go to a hen party or is he being clucked into it? Maybe they just don't ever want to do things independently of one another, no matter what it is. I wonder how he enjoys baby showers, dress fittings, hairdressing, and manicure appointments. 

That said, my husband and I were each other's favorite companions, but we also had our separate interests. We didn't need "respite" from one another but didn't feel the need or desire to accompany one another absolutely everywhere. Personally, I like to use the restroom facilities on my own.


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## Geezerette (Oct 25, 2022)

I’ve heard of couples where the husband is very possessive and doesn’t want the wife to go anywhere socially without him, even  to a “ hen party”. Underlying or actually expressed fear that the wife might be connecting with some other guy without his knowledge. And the wife tries to cover this up from embarrassment. Or if she does go out alone for errands or while he’s at work or whatever, wants her to account for every minute.


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## Been There (Oct 25, 2022)

I had just retired from the military in 2014 and moved to Alexandria, Virginia. After living there for a few months, I had made some friends from golfing and playing tennis. The one gentleman approached me after our golf match and said jokingly if I could get a date for so and so date, which was about a month later, I could go along with a few other couples to see Lionel Richie in concert in Richmond. This is about a 2 hour drive. The other couples were going to go down to the concert and then stay overnight. The tickets were $300 each to my surprise. 

I asked a woman I knew in Ohio if she would like to drive back to my place on Friday and stay on Friday night, then we could go to the concert on Saturday and stay over. I would pay for the 2 hotel rooms. Then on Sunday, she could either come back and visit with me and drive home later or leave from Richmond and drive home from there. I knew she was a huge Lionel Richie fan. To my surprise, she said she would really like to do that. I thought very highly of this woman. 

On Saturday night after the concert, we stayed at the Marriott Hotel and when we got back to the hotel, some of the others wanted to have a nightcap, so we all went into the lounge to sit at a table and order our drinks. After we had been in the lounge for maybe 20 minutes, my date asked if she could speak to me. I excused myself and when I approached her, I could see her eyes were kind of wet. I thought, uh-ho, what did I do. She said the one man in our group had groped her twice. I never saw it. I felt terrible about this. She asked me not to say or do anything, but just to please stay close to her. I agreed.

The next day, I approached him and he didn’t deny it, but said he had been drinking all night (he carries a flask) and if he did that, he hadn’t remembered it. I told him my date was quite upset. He offered to call her and apologize, but I told him no, I didn’t think she really wanted to hear from him, but if we get together again and it happens, I will have no choice but to embarrass him. He knew what I meant. We weren’t friends again for a long time after that. To this day, I still feel bad that this happened.


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## Capt Lightning (Oct 25, 2022)

I'm very happy if Mrs.L wants to go out with friends and I would not expect to be invited .  Every year (excluding covid years) she goes on a 'girlie' holiday with our elder daughter.


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## Paco Dennis (Oct 25, 2022)

I am having a little trouble now because Misa works through the day part time, and for some silly reason the manager keeps telling me 
to go home!!!!


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 25, 2022)

Marie5656 said:


> *Had this happen not long ago.  I was having a DM conversation with a couple  childhood friends from the old neighborhood. I am, of course widowed, another never married, third married.  We decided we wanted to get together for lunch and catch up.
> The married one asked if we could do it on a weekend....no issues there. But he reasoning was she and husband NEVER did anything separate from each other...never. So, she was going to bring him.  Though the plan was a just the girls meal.
> Nope...this one would not even consider going without hubby...though he would be the only man.  She gave no reasn ecept they always did all social activities together.
> 
> ...


Have a nice visit with your friend Marie.  I don't know anyone like that.  If she wanted to work on her and her husband's social relationship, she should do it on her own time, not yours.  She has any day of any year to choose from.


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 25, 2022)

Tish said:


> I don't know anyone like that.


My husband would never try to insert himself into a get together with my girlfriends, and they have never ever dragged along their husbands.  Ladies sometimes want to have a relaxed and personal chat with friends, no place for a man to try and stick his nose in the conversation or dominate it.  I think that woman's husband would be that kind, if not, he wouldn't even think of going along.


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 25, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I used to know a woman like that.. but I think there was several reasons behind it.. One she was incapable of holiding a conversation by herself always deferring to the husband for his opinions.. secondly she didn't drive, so he took her everywhere, and thirdly, she never had money of her own so he picked up the cheque


Driving would be the only thing acceptable to me.  If the woman was uncomfortable driving, then she could be picked up by her friend or take a taxi.  I don't understand how a married woman can have no money of her own, that's insane.


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## officerripley (Oct 25, 2022)

I've known of more than a few couples like this. One in particular, back when her huzz was still alive I invited her to particpate in a "girls only" get-together. She said "No thanks. I don't participate in that kind of stuff. I notice a lot of women in this mobile home park do but I don't; I stay home and play the good wife." (Which in her case meant waiting on her huzz hand and foot. Although she worked outside the home just as many hours as he did.) So she'd never do anything socially without him. 

And knowing this guy, I don't think it was a jealousy thing at all; I don't think it ever entered his mind that she might prefer another man over him; I think it was a "she needs to be here constantly in case I need her for something" thing. (Once this guy retired, he didn't do a thing except play golf.) And he passed away a few years ago and you guessed it: she was very lonely because she had let her friendships lapse. She's in assisted living now and luckily has a roommate just as old-fashioned as she is so I hear they spend a lot of time talking about the good old days when they were still married and had a huzz to worship.


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## Nathan (Oct 25, 2022)

With *mutual* friends both my wife and I attend get-togethers together, but I don't try to drag her along and she doesn't try to drag me along, for get together's of our respective friend groups.


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## Been There (Oct 25, 2022)

Marie5656 said:


> *Had this happen not long ago.  I was having a DM conversation with a couple  childhood friends from the old neighborhood. I am, of course widowed, another never married, third married.  We decided we wanted to get together for lunch and catch up.
> The married one asked if we could do it on a weekend....no issues there. But he reasoning was she and husband NEVER did anything separate from each other...never. So, she was going to bring him.  Though the plan was a just the girls meal.
> Nope...this one would not even consider going without hubby...though he would be the only man.  She gave no reasn ecept they always did all social activities together.
> 
> ...


I know a husband and wife team like this. I don’t know if he doesn’t trust her or vice versa. But whatever, those two are always together. You see one, the other is close by. I always wanted to ask what was up with that, but never did. One time he made a big deal about it at a Christmas party one of our mutual friends was hosting. He told a group of us that him and his wife have never spent a night apart. Another fellow asked “How do you stand it?” Well, that started a whole new conversation.


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## jujube (Oct 25, 2022)

To each his own....  I can't imagine being joined at the hip 24/7/365.  Others can't imagine the alternative.

My late husband loved fishing with his fishing group; I'd rather be poked in the eye with a sharp stick.  I enjoyed making the rounds of antique  shops and lunch in a tearoom; he'd rather borrow the sharp stick and poke himself.  Why should we make the other one miserable?

The Spousal Equivalent loves riding with his motorcycle club; for me, it would be time to get that sharp stick out again.  I like international travel;  his idea of international travel is going to Canada for a day (he got enough of international "travel" in the Navy and then working for the DOD).

We're both capable of functioning on our own; our relationship can survive being apart for a few hours, a few days or even a few weeks if needs be.  At times, I've had to go away for weeks to care for a relative.....we survived.  

It's also a matter of trust. We trust each other. That's important.


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## palides2021 (Oct 25, 2022)

charry said:


> i never gone anywhere without my husband in 36 years, and ive never wanted to,
> all our interests and  hobbies are the same and we even worked together .....
> why get marries ,when you prefer other peoples company.... thats why i divorced my first hubby , he preffered his mates...
> well i told him to have his mates........
> ...


Same here. My late husband and I enjoyed each others' company, and we worked together on projects; we were rarely separated (except when he worked). We went everywhere (mostly) together. It was a lot of fun, and we could talk about it afterward. We traveled together and went to the theater, parties, and lectures. There was always something stimulating to share. 

I didn't have my own friends then because we had many friends "of the family" and he and my son were my world. Later, when I began going to orchestra rehearsals and taking art classes, he didn't come along, and I think he felt left out. He had retired recently. After he passed, which was a heartbreaking time in my life, I eventually started going out with female friends, but it wasn't the same. There's something about an intimate relationship that can never be substituted by others, in my humble opinion. Everyone is different, though.


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## StarSong (Oct 25, 2022)

DH & I have a very close marriage and friendship and he often tags along when I grocery shop, but when I lunch with my GFs, he's not included nor would he want/expect to be.  

When I zoom with a group of far flung friends he sometimes walks by and stops to chat with us for a few minutes, then goes on about his business. He's always welcomed by them because he's funny, charming, keeps up on who's doing what, and interacts with them on FB (which I do not). Even so, he's clear that these are GF chats so he bows out quickly. 

If one of my GFs insisted on dragging her husband along to a ladies' lunch, it would probably wind up rescheduled without her and she'd be unlikely to receive another invitation. 

Loving one's spouse doesn't mean it's healthy for either partner to fill the role of be-all and end-all. Just my opinion.


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## Murrmurr (Oct 25, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I used to know a woman like that.. but I think there was several reasons behind it.. One she was incapable of holiding a conversation by herself always deferring to the husband for his opinions.. secondly she didn't drive, so he took her everywhere, and thirdly, she never had money of her own so he picked up the cheque


....because fifthly, he was technically her prison guard, not her husband.


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## ManjaroKDE (Oct 25, 2022)

>>>>


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## Murrmurr (Oct 25, 2022)

Maybe that lady doesn't trust leaving her husband alone.

When me and my 1st wife were first married, she wanted to go everywhere with me. Every freaking morning she'd whine, "Do you HAVE to go to school?" (I was in college) Then we had a baby, and I quit college and got a full-time job, and she'd whine "Do you _HAVE_ to go to work?" Then the whining became b*tching followed by arguing, and I became "the most boring man in the world" and she became "Shelly, that's moronic" so I helped _her_ get into college and I switched to the night-shift and became Mr. Mom, the daytime version ....et cetera, rinse and repeat for about 7 years until we both became Divorcees.


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## hollydolly (Oct 25, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> ....because fifthly, he was technically her prison guard, not her husband.


..yes, possibly  but she allowed it...


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## NorthernLight (Oct 25, 2022)

It could be partly that some women are used to having "girls' nights" or "ladies' lunches," while others are not. 

Sure, it's nice to have girl talk once in a while, but I would never assume that a social get-together would necessarily exclude men, or children, or whoever. 

Unless we were specifically meeting to discuss a very private topic.


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## hollydolly (Oct 25, 2022)

charry said:


> OMG ..i would of soon got rid  of that guy !!!!!


So would I.. good grief, I would have 5 minutes of that and it would be his last 5 minutes with me.. but she seemed to think he was wonderful...


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## JaniceM (Oct 25, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> ..yes, possibly  but she allowed it...


Not necessarily.  Aren't you familiar with "control-freaks"?  it can be quite extreme.


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## hollydolly (Oct 25, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> Not necessarily.  Aren't you familiar with "control-freaks"?  it can be quite extreme.


NO, I knew her well.. she  really did enjoy allowing him full control over everything...


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## JaniceM (Oct 25, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> NO, I knew her well.. she  really did enjoy allowing him full control over everything...


That's creepy.


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## Marie5656 (Oct 25, 2022)

*Rick and I went out together for dinner once a month or so. Ordered in a couple times too. We also did things separate as well. We had mutual friendships, and friends on our own as well*


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## Tish (Oct 25, 2022)

SeaBreeze said:


> My husband would never try to insert himself into a get together with my girlfriends, and they have never ever dragged along their husbands.  Ladies sometimes want to have a relaxed and personal chat with friends, no place for a man to try and stick his nose in the conversation or dominate it.  I think that woman's husband would be that kind, if not, he wouldn't even think of going along.


I agree with you 100%
What I find funny is at a get-together you end up with the men in one place and the ladies in their little group.


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## charry (Oct 25, 2022)

palides2021 said:


> Same here. My late husband and I enjoyed each others' company, and we worked together on projects; we were rarely separated (except when he worked). We went everywhere (mostly) together. It was a lot of fun, and we could talk about it afterward. We traveled together and went to the theater, parties, and lectures. There was always something stimulating to share. I didn't have my own friends then because we had many friends "of the family" and he and my son were my world. Later, when I began going to orchestra rehearsals and taking art classes, he didn't come along, and I think he felt left out. He had retired recently. After he passed, which was a heartbreaking time in my life, I eventually started going out with female friends, but it wasn't the same. There's something about an intimate relationship that can never be substituted by others, in my humble opinion. Everyone is different, though.



i think if you are lucky enough to find your soul mate in life  That is so special 
Not many have this opportunity or luck 
Xx


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## Jamala (Oct 25, 2022)

It's wonderful to share things with one's husband. My husband and I have many mutual interests and I can't think of any time I was not happy in his company.
However, there are times when we go our separate ways for a few hours, not as respite, but because the other one has a project on that the other may not be interested in. I don't think a husband or wife should be padlocked to each other.
It's healthy to be apart sometimes.


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## Lethe200 (Oct 25, 2022)

My spouse would be bored silly, and get irritated thinking of all the things he could be doing on his own, had he stayed home!

He's an only child, so he is _*completely self-sufficient. *_If I didn't drag him out to socialize, he'd become a hermit, ordering food delivered by DoorDash and GrubHub, and be perfectly happy, LOL. He likes most people, and he loves going to my family's get-togethers (since there's always good food in large quantities!). 

Plus we're best friends, so we prefer spending time with one another....

....just not ALL the time, every day.   

My niece is happily married to a guy who is in many ways her opposite. But he adores her, his family practically worships her; they've been together almost two decades now. She has a large social circle, and is often getting together with various friends. Sometimes he comes along, but most of the time he prefers to stay at home (he's a geek, and a gaming devotee). If she insisted he come to every event she attends or sets up, they wouldn't have lasted a month together, I think!


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## DebraMae (Oct 25, 2022)

I think it is fine for either the wife or husband to go out with their friends.  My daughters and I used to have a girls day out and go shopping together.  I used to go out with friends from work.  It is a matter of trust.


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## Teacher Terry (Oct 25, 2022)

I call living like that having a very small world. When that one or few people in your world die or leave you people are incredibly lonely. It’s far healthier to have your world include close friends and/or family. Plus if you are never apart you have nothing new to bring to the relationship to talk about.  

One of my 3 graduate degrees was a MSW which is a therapist degree. I have worked as one and it’s unhealthy to spend all your time with one person.


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## charry (Oct 26, 2022)

Teacher Terry said:


> I call living like that having a very small world. When that one or few people in your world die or leave you people are incredibly lonely. It’s far healthier to have your world include close friends and/or family. Plus if you are never apart you have nothing new to bring to the relationship to talk about.
> 
> One of my 3 graduate degrees was a MSW which is a therapist degree. I have worked as one and it’s unhealthy to spend all your time with one person.


I’ve been my husbands shadow for 10yrs now  24/7  and we don’t stop talking and laughing terry  and sometimes crying together


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## Shalimar (Oct 26, 2022)

charry said:


> I’ve been my husbands shadow for 10yrs now  24/7  and we don’t stop talking and laughing terry  and sometimes crying together


I think people often  have different needs. It is difficult to prescribe a best  status to any one form of relationship. I certainly can see the beauty of your experience, and it doesn’t seem unhealthy to

me. I am less concerned with the amount of time people spend together than the quality of it. You share a great love, and I find your story inspiring. As a therapist, my job is to help couples find

what works for them, rather than some societal sanctioned mindset which may be a poor fit indeed. For some, marriage partners fill their emotional needs, outside stimulation is not required.


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## charry (Oct 26, 2022)

Shalimar said:


> I think people often  have different needs. It is difficult to prescribe a best  status to any one form of relationship. I certainly can see the beauty of your experience, and it doesn’t seem unhealthy to
> 
> me. I am less concerned with the amount of time people spend together than the quality of it. You share a great love, and I find your story inspiring. As a therapist, my job is to help couples find
> 
> what works for them, rather than some society sanctioned mindset which may be a poor fit indeed. For some, marriage partners fill their emotional needs, outside stimulation is not required.


exactly shalimar......Thankyou xx


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