# Humor - Doctors



## NancyNGA




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## Vee




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## boozercruiser




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## NancyNGA




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## boozercruiser

NancyNGA said:


>



Blimey Nancy.
You really could imagine that happening in real life.
Help!


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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## NancyNGA




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## boozercruiser

Tell me about it !


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## Ken N Tx




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## NancyNGA




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## Ken N Tx




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## NancyNGA




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## boozercruiser

NancyNGA said:


>



Blinkin' eck Nancy.
Seriously, I am right now being considered as to whether or not I need a pacemaker.
I think I will pass on that one now!

In the meantime, I wanted to go to the Doctor over another little problem I have.
But my missus is trying this first!


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## NancyNGA

boozercruiser said:


> .... But my missus is trying this first!



First, I don't believe you.

 Second, if it doesn't work, tell the missus to call me.  I have some ideas.layful:

 (You bring out the worst in me, BC.  Now stop it.)


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## boozercruiser

NancyNGA said:


> *First, I don't believe you.*
> 
> Second, if it doesn't work, tell the missus to call me.  I have some ideas.layful:
> 
> (You bring out the worst in me, BC.  Now stop it.)




Oh! Ye of little faith! layful:
Now listen here Nancy my dear.
Please come closer so you can whisper in my ear.
*NO, closer than that!
*I mean we don't want anyone to overhear what you say now.
Do we?

Just between you and me.
Please tell only me what those ideas are you have for helping to raise a laugh.:sentimental:
And please remember that nothing you can say here will shock me, and anything you do say will be taken down and used in evidence against me.

Over to YOU!


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## NancyNGA

My fault.  I asked for that, BC.  Should have known better than to try to banter with the expert. 

Now, back OT with a groaner....


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## boozercruiser

Thats a cracker Nancy.
A cracker! 

Now then...
You just reminded me of when I was in work and some plonker was trying to give me a load of gumf.
I said to him...

Listen mate.
Don't try to bullshi* a bulshi**er 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Meanwhile, back in the doctors surgery...


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## NancyNGA




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## boozercruiser




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## Ken N Tx




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## NancyNGA




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## Ken N Tx




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## NancyNGA




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## Sassycakes




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## Ken N Tx




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## Arachne




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## boozercruiser

Some cracking cartoons above chaps.
I am in stitches here.
8 actually.
I cut myself on a broken glass bottle!


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## Sassycakes




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## NancyNGA




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## Sassycakes




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## Pinky

The psychiatric patient, Mr. Jones, enters the psychiatrist's office naked, wrapped in Saran.
The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts".


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## Pinky

I'm preoccupied with nuts today


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## Pinky




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## Ken N Tx

Pinky said:


> The psychiatric patient, Mr. Jones, enters the psychiatrist's office naked, wrapped in Saran.
> The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts".



My wife was wrapped in saran wrap and I said "leftovers again!!" The doc said my swollen eye will be better in a day or two..


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## NancyNGA

I've always wondered about that, too...


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## Falcon

:lol1:     Nancy


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## Pinky

Ken N Tx said:


> My wife was wrapped in saran wrap and I said "leftovers again!!" The doc said my swollen eye will be better in a day or two..


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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## Guitarist




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA

Prehistoric surgery


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## Pappy

And, they give you the shots.


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## jujube

The doctor says to his patient, "Well, your results are back and they show that you are crazy."

"Crazy?", yells the patient.  "Crazy?  What kind of diagnosis is that?  I want a second opinion!  I have medical insurance and it covers second opinions and I demand a second opinion!"

"OK," says the doctor, standing back and looking the patient over, "You're ugly, too." 

**************************

Do you know what the difference is between a surgeon and God?  God doesn't think he's a surgeon.

***********************

A nurse stops a doctor in the hall and asks, "Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?"

"Damn," cries the doctor, "Some asshole has my pen."


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## NancyNGA




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## Guitarist




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## Pappy

:grin:


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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy

Yes, why?


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## NancyNGA

*-----------------------
*Patient: Doctor, whenever I get up after a sleep, I feel dizzy for half an hour, then I'm all right. 
Doctor: Then wait for half an hour before getting up.

*-----------------------
*Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. 
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? 
Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'

*-----------------------
*Nurse: Doctor, the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?
Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!


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## NancyNGA

Sentences exactly as typed on health records:

1. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital. 

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 

3. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 

4. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. 

5. While in ER, Eva was examined, X-rated and sent home. 

6. Skin: somewhat pale, but present. 

7. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. 

8. Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 

9. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.


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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy

Nope, for sure.....


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## SeaBreeze




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## Vee




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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy

The trick failed.


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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy

Old tight arse.....


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## SeaBreeze

Funny cartoons guys! :lol:


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## Butterfly

That would do it, all right.


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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy

Online Doctor.


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## NancyNGA




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## SeaBreeze




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## NancyNGA

...


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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA

...


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## Pappy

Ouch.....


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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy

:sentimental:


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## Vee




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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy




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## NancyNGA

Just stop doing it?


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## Pappy




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## Grumpy Ol' Man

True story...

Tuesday morning, I had to have some very minor surgery done inside one of my nostrils.  To deaden the area, the doc has to stick a needle full of anesthetic up inside my nose and begin sticking it into the membrane.  Hurts like CRAZY!!!  But, necessary for him to do the small bit of 'slicing and dicing' required.  Trying to not swing fists at someone while he's poking his needle up inside my nose, I say... "Some folks would be happy if you'd just cut the nose off.  That way, maybe I'd quit sticking it in other people's business!"  Not missing a beat, the doc replied... "Oh, I'm sure even without a nose you'd still find a way to agitate people!!!"  And here I thought he was an Ear, Nose, Throat doctor... not a comedian!!!!


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## RadishRose

Grumpy Ol' Man said:


> True story...
> 
> Tuesday morning, I had to have some very minor surgery done inside one of my nostrils.  To deaden the area, the doc has to stick a needle full of anesthetic up inside my nose and begin sticking it into the membrane.  Hurts like CRAZY!!!  But, necessary for him to do the small bit of 'slicing and dicing' required.  Trying to not swing fists at someone while he's poking his needle up inside my nose, I say... "Some folks would be happy if you'd just cut the nose off.  That way, maybe I'd quit sticking it in other people's business!"  Not missing a beat, the doc replied... "Oh, I'm sure even without a nose you'd still find a way to agitate people!!!"  And here I thought he was an Ear, Nose, Throat doctor... not a comedian!!!!



Funny story!


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## Carla

Grumpy Ol' Man said:


> True story...
> 
> Tuesday morning, I had to have some very minor surgery done inside one of my nostrils.  To deaden the area, the doc has to stick a needle full of anesthetic up inside my nose and begin sticking it into the membrane.  Hurts like CRAZY!!!  But, necessary for him to do the small bit of 'slicing and dicing' required.  Trying to not swinng fists at someone while he's poking his needle up inside my nose, I say... "Some folks would be happy if you'd just cut the nose off.  That way, maybe I'd quit sticking it in other people's business!"  Not missing a beat, the doc replied... "Oh, I'm sure even without a nose you'd still find a way to agitate people!!!"  And here I thought he was an Ear, Nose, Throat doctor... not a comedian!!!!



Yowl. That sounds like a painful procedure. Better to have a doc with a good sense of humor then an old cranky one.


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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet -- who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


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## NancyNGA

Sorry folks.  I thought this was funny.


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## Pappy

Omg:


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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy

Three Nurses Play a Joke on the Doctor




Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear. The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms. The third nurse fainted.


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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA

Time to retire?  layful:


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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy

It happens:


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## SeaBreeze




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## Pappy

This could be a blond joke.


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## NancyNGA




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## SeaBreeze




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## Falcon

Thanks Seabreeze.  Funny.


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## NancyNGA

I can't see it.  It goes to a website that requires a log in.


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## Pappy

Eating Disorder
A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits. 'All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?'
'Eventually,' said the consultant, 'she will rise and shine.'h


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## Ken N Tx




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pappy

Sounds about right.


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## NancyNGA

V


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## NancyNGA




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## Butterfly

SeaBreeze said:


>



That's what I get if I eat fried foods.  Glad there's a name for it!


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## Pappy

Drug salesman lady.


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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## SeaBreeze




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## NancyNGA




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## SeaBreeze




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## Butterfly

That's what my dentist's equipment looks like to me!


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## Pappy




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## SeaBreeze




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## Wren




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## Pappy




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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy




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## Vega_Lyra

:wave:


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## Vega_Lyra

:wave:


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## SeaBreeze




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## Aunt Bea




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## Pappy




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## SeaBreeze




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## NancyNGA

Cricked to the right only.  The Left Cricked Clinic is around the corner.


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## OldBiker

boozercruiser said:


> Tell me about it !



O U C H !!

That hurts.


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## OldBiker

A man rushed into a doctor's office, jumped on the doctor's back, and started screaming, "One! Two! Three! Four!" 

"Wait a minute!" yelled the doctor, trying to get free. “What do you think you're doing?" 

The man said, "Well doctor, they did say I could count on you!"


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## treeguy64

Nancy, you sound like my kind of woman!  (I don't need the cables, either. ;-)  A reply to an ancient post, many pages back.


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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy




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## Meanderer




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## NancyNGA




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## SeaBreeze




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy




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## NancyNGA




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## SeaBreeze




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## NancyNGA




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## RadishRose




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## Meanderer




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## Pappy




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## NancyNGA




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## Meanderer




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pappy




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## NancyNGA




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## James




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## Meanderer




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## NancyNGA




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## NancyNGA




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## RadishRose




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## Meanderer




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## RadishRose




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## Meanderer




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## RadishRose




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## Sassycakes

*Beware of your Doctor uttering these phrases ! 



*



Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Better     save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
...and could you stop that thing from beating; it's     throwing my concentration off
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint.  However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!


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## Meanderer




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## RadishRose




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pappy




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## Ken N Tx

Medical Exams
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's
going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began
to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
Â 
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope
on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
Â 
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. 
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive
internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
Â 
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that
he was having trouble with one of his medications. 
Which one?' I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told
me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it!' 
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
Â 
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' 
After a look of complete confusion she answered
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband
was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR
Â 
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning
and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's
your breakfast this morning?'
It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste. Bob replied. 
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil
packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit,
Â 
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange
clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed
on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair
had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that
read . . .' Keep off the grass.' 
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short
note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to
mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
Â 
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover
my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. 
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said... 'I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?' 
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing
so hard... 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I
wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....


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## Ken N Tx




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## SeaBreeze




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## Ken N Tx




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## Pink Biz




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## Ken N Tx

Kevin had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! 
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.
Where do you want me to unload 'em??'


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## Sassycakes




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pink Biz




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## Ken N Tx

A guy goes to the doctor.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."


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## Pink Biz

:goodone:


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## SeaBreeze




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## Wren




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## Pink Biz




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## Ken N Tx




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## Sassycakes

Ken N Tx said:


>



:lofl::lofl::lofl::lofl: Now this is funny !LOL!


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## Ken N Tx




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## Pink Biz




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## Pappy




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## Ken N Tx




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## Pappy




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## Pink Biz




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## Ken N Tx




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## SeaBreeze




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## Ken N Tx




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## RadishRose




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## Ken N Tx




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## Sassycakes

*One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn’t been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.” Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, “Doc, exactly what is my problem?” 



The doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”*


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## Sassycakes

*Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown *
*to New York City. Being that he had a very comprehensive 
health history, he brought along all of his medical 
paperwork, when it came time for his first check up 
with his new Doctor. After browsing through the 
medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a 
few moments and said, " Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, *
*you sure look better in person than you do on paper!"*


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## Ken N Tx




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## treeguy64

A woman was very concerned about her weight. She rushed into the doctor's office, but found no receptionist there. She figured the receptionist was on a break. The door, to the exam area, was open. She rushed into the first exam room where she saw a young man standing. She knew the practice had recently hired a new doctor. Hastily she removed her clothes. "Doctor, I must know, do I look overweight? Please put my mind at ease!" The man in the room looked at her. "Ma'am, I have two things I must tell you: First, you're overweight. Second, your doctor moved a floor up, and I'm a carpenter doing the remodeling, here."


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## Pink Biz




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## Ken N Tx

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"


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## Sassycakes




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## Ken N Tx




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## Ken N Tx




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## AnnieA

Ken N Tx said:


> View attachment 77372



OMgosh.  That was my life before Celiac Disease diagnosis.   And it didn't stop at 8am!  Thank God for all the wonderful gluten free foods available now!


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## Sassycakes




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## win231

Patient:  "Doctor, does ****** work?"
Doctor:  "Yes."
Patient:  "Can I get it over the counter?"
Doctor:  "Well....maybe....if you take two."


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## jujube

Do you know the difference between God and a surgeon?

Answer:  God doesn't think he's a surgeon.


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## Sassycakes




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## Pink Biz




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## Ken N Tx




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## Ken N Tx




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## Ken N Tx




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## RadishRose




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pink Biz




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## Ken N Tx




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## Ken N Tx




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## SeaBreeze




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## Sassycakes

*I'd love to see this !LOL*


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## Ken N Tx




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## SeaBreeze




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## Pappy




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## Meanderer




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## Ken N Tx




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## Sassycakes




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