# Mother's Day for those without good memories...



## Fyrefox (May 9, 2021)

I'm glad that most here have good memories of their mothers; really, I _am!  _It's almost heretical to speak of _some _mothers in less than glowing terms, but surely some of you can relate.  As someone who had a bad female parent, perhaps some can run against the mold, and commiserate a bit, for Mother's Day has an uncomfortable and hollow ring to me.  

My mother, you see, was a malignant narcissist, the elephant in the room who always had to come first and be center stage.  She did not nurture, but rather demanded constant indulgence.  At best she was demanding and uncomfortable to be around, and at worst she was toxic.  My sister and I always had difficulty picking out Mother's Day cards, because they were all too nice...

No, I didn't hate my mother, and I always met my obligations to her, even when she would embarrass, humiliate, or shame me.  Assimilating emotional abuse became my norm, and she was ever so good at inflicting it.  In the end on this day, I am left with a sense of deep regret and yearning for what I could have had, but never did...


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## Dana (May 9, 2021)

Fyrefox said:


> I'm glad that most here have good memories of their mothers; really, I _am!  _It's almost heretical to speak of _some _mothers in less than glowing terms, but surely some of you can relate.  As someone who had a bad female parent, perhaps some can run against the mold, and commiserate a bit, for Mother's Day has an uncomfortable and hollow ring to me.
> 
> My mother, you see, was a malignant narcissist, the elephant in the room who always had to come first and be center stage.  She did not nurture, but rather demanded constant indulgence.  At best she was demanding and uncomfortable to be around, and at worst she was toxic.  My sister and I always had difficulty picking out Mother's Day cards, because they were all too nice...
> 
> No, I didn't hate my mother, and I always met my obligations to her, even when she would embarrass, humiliate, or shame me.  Assimilating emotional abuse became my norm, and she was ever so good at inflicting it.  In the end on this day, I am left with a sense of deep regret and yearning for what I could have had, but never did..


No, all mothers are not the same and I applaud your honesty


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## Pinky (May 9, 2021)

Fyrefox said:


> I'm glad that most here have good memories of their mothers; really, I _am!  _It's almost heretical to speak of _some _mothers in less than glowing terms, but surely some of you can relate.  As someone who had a bad female parent, perhaps some can run against the mold, and commiserate a bit, for Mother's Day has an uncomfortable and hollow ring to me.
> 
> My mother, you see, was a malignant narcissist, the elephant in the room who always had to come first and be center stage.  She did not nurture, but rather demanded constant indulgence.  At best she was demanding and uncomfortable to be around, and at worst she was toxic.  My sister and I always had difficulty picking out Mother's Day cards, because they were all too nice...
> 
> No, I didn't hate my mother, and I always met my obligations to her, even when she would embarrass, humiliate, or shame me.  Assimilating emotional abuse became my norm, and she was ever so good at inflicting it.  In the end on this day, I am left with a sense of deep regret and yearning for what I could have had, but never did...


I understand completely. My eldest sister is the same type of person as your mother was. I can relate to your statement about having difficulty choosing a card. There is so much pressure to have a perfect relationship with parents, but the reality just isn't always so.


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## Paco Dennis (May 9, 2021)




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## Judycat (May 9, 2021)

When I get going on Mother's Day like this, I think about the woman who brought this special day about. How she wound up making a scene in public. So appropriate for the day in many cases.


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## Remy (May 21, 2021)

@Fyrefox Missed this post. But thank you for making it. My mother could be a good mother but when she flipped, it was awful and the next flip always arrived. Her rages were insane. My mother was an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. A therapist in my 40's suggested she was. I still didn't really start processing her until after she died.


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## win231 (May 22, 2021)

I had no trouble choosing a Mother's Day card - because I never gave her one.
She was an abusive raging witch.  None of her 4 kids attended her funeral; we were too busy feeling_ relief._
I did hire & pay her full-time nurses in her last 2 months because my 3 siblings wanted no part of her & I couldn't blame them.  She was bedridden & I couldn't just dump her somewhere (though that's what she deserved).


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## Gary O' (May 23, 2021)

win231 said:


> I had no trouble choosing a Mother's Day card - because I never gave her one.
> She was an abusive raging witch. None of her 4 kids attended her funeral; we were too busy feeling_ relief._
> I did hire & pay her full-time nurses in her last 2 months because my 3 siblings wanted no part of her & I couldn't blame them. She was bedridden & I couldn't just dump her somewhere (though that's what she deserved).


That was very nice of you, win....very nice

Guess a few of us didn't have the ideal mother

Don't know if mine was in the same genre, but she was on the icy side
No hugs.....ever
Actually, not much touching
The word *'love' *was not in her vocabulary 
She had feelings, down deep, but they were enshrouded with a tough steel plate hide

I broke her once
But, just that once
Verbally took her to her core
It got all messy
Never again

I wrote a bit in another thread
Seems fitting here (sorry);

*Mother's Day*

I've got some fond memories, early on
Back when I was 8 or 10
School had us all making things for mother with paper and glue
She'd fawn over them, and put them away

Years passed
Things got a little rough around the house
I didn't hang there much
Left home at 16

Seems Mom never forgave me for that

Many mother's days of the ol' shrug off
Some pretty good gifts
'Put it over there'

Visited her in the hospital in what was almost her death bed
'What are* you* doing here?!'
Felt like the grim reaper
Almost said 'waiting'

She died suddenly a few months later.....alone

I was the main speaker at her funeral
Laid out some pretty nice words, as she'd been thru decades of hell and back
Also did a couple comedy skits about her and her tactics
Heh, everybody in the audience roared.....because they knew how very true it all was

Days later, my fair haired fat little brother and I went thru her stuff
Keepsake stuff for me
A wooden box
All the things I ever made in grade school, neatly contained

She was close mouthed with her emotions
A few years before her death, I hugged her
There was no hugging.....ever
Heh, she brushed it off
But
I could tell it got to her

Wish I woulda done more of that



Thing is
no matter what
_*she's yer mom*_
*Your love given, may very well be the love she's missed*


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