# Looking for advice



## genejr1224 (Oct 30, 2018)

I met my girlfriend in 1977. Just after I graduated from high school. From then we dated on and off. Then I joined the Army for 3 years. Came back home and married  her in 1984. She divorced me in 1989 and it devastated me. I went on and got married to another woman on the rebound. Had my children with her and we divorced in 2008. I was reunited to my ex wife in 2009. She just recently divorced her husband after waiting a few years for her to do that. She still hasn't told her son, who is in his second year of college. Our plans is to get married again and but a house together. I am tired of waiting and I feel I am falling out of love with her. What do you think?


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## Olivia (Oct 30, 2018)

If you're asking, you already know.


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## genejr1224 (Oct 30, 2018)

That simple?


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## Olivia (Oct 30, 2018)

What other kind of answer could you expect? You're falling out of love and that's all we really know. Would you advise someone to marry someone they're not really sure about?


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## genejr1224 (Oct 30, 2018)

I was thinking more of maybe how to reignite my feelings. But your answer is good Thank you


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## Olivia (Oct 30, 2018)

You're welcome. And welcome here, by the way.

I can see trying to reignite feelings to save a marriage, but to start off a marriage that way doesn't sound ideal. I suppose the question really is, why?


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## genejr1224 (Oct 30, 2018)

Why because of our history and how well we have been able to get along. Things is I know you are right. I guess I am just on a soul searching trip right now.


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## Olivia (Oct 30, 2018)

Lot of us are, Gene. I can really understand that.


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## RadishRose (Oct 30, 2018)

I agree with Olivia. There is no reason to marry at this age if you're not sure and have to *try* to re-ignite. Since you get along, just do that.

Good luck Gene. Another adventure may be on it's way.


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## Linda (Oct 30, 2018)

Is the lady you want to marry now the one who left you devastated in 1989?   But you said this in reply to Olivia "Why because of our history and how well we have been able to get along."  Isn't your history that she left you devastated?  

You asked "What do you think?"  I probably shouldn't answer that.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Oct 30, 2018)

Heck, maybe you're just fickle...want what you don't have until you have it, then don't want it anymore. It sounds like you're trying to talk yourself out of something you only_ thought_ you wanted.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Oct 30, 2018)

Wait just a sec. She still hasn't told her son what? That she divorced his father? That she's going to remarry her first husband? And she hasn't told him whichever one applies exactly why? Sounds like a darned big red flag. Maybe she's not so sure she wants to remarry you, either. Maybe she forgot why she married, then divorced you in the first place.

Doesn't sound like a marriage made in heaven to me. However, if what you both want is someone amenable for companionship to spend your waning years, then maybe. Hie thee off to couples counseling, sort it all out, then_ each_ of you decide what you_ both_ want. And if it's not the same thing, there's your answer.


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## Butterfly (Oct 30, 2018)

I agree with those above who say that if you have to ask the question, you already have your answer.


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## Gary O' (Oct 30, 2018)

genejr1224 said:


> I met my girlfriend in 1977. Just after I graduated from high school. From then we dated on and off. Then I joined the Army for 3 years. Came back home and married  her in 1984. She divorced me in 1989 and it devastated me. I went on and got married to another woman on the rebound. Had my children with her and we divorced in 2008. I was reunited to my ex wife in 2009. She just recently divorced her husband after waiting a few years for her to do that. She still hasn't told her son, who is in his second year of college. Our plans is to get married again and but a house together. I am tired of waiting and I feel I am falling out of love with her. What do you think?



Sounds pretty much like going to the fridge, opening the milk jug, sniffing it, noticing it smells funny, then putting it back in the fridge. 
Next day, doing the same thing.

Yer on the next day.

How’s tomorrow lookin’?


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## terry123 (Oct 30, 2018)

Agree with the others.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Oct 31, 2018)

Gary O' said:


> Sounds pretty much like going to the fridge, opening the milk jug, sniffing it, noticing it smells funny, then putting it back in the fridge.
> Next day, doing the same thing.
> 
> Yer on the next day.
> ...



Love this!


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## genejr1224 (Oct 31, 2018)

please give me your answer


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## genejr1224 (Oct 31, 2018)

Well here is the thing. I have been dating her since 2009. So 9 years. She has met my kids who are all now adults. I have been waiting for her to get the divorce but that just happened last year. She also has not told her son until this year that her ex and her divorced. Her ex and her stayed in the same house for their son. I thought ok but by the time he entered college 2 years ago I thought things would start happening but it hasn't except for the divorce. Well I am tired of waiting now. Tired of not having the holidays together. Tired of going to her special events like reunions and acting as we are a real item. Her last reunion I noticed a few women noticing me. So I began to wonder what would be better to leave  and start dating again.


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## Olivia (Oct 31, 2018)

If you want someone committed to you 100%, find someone else.


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## AprilSun (Oct 31, 2018)

If you've been dating her for 9 years and she still isn't doing anything, you should start dating others. It sounds like if you stay with her, you will be making the same mistake again. Anytime there is doubts, there is problems waiting.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Oct 31, 2018)

Sounds like she has the best of both worlds...a committed Gentleman Caller and no ties. Time for you to dump her and start living the rest of your life. There's somebody out there who's looking for a good guy and wants to be half of a couple with you. Go find her. Time's a-wastin!


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## Trade (Oct 31, 2018)




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## RadishRose (Oct 31, 2018)

I think Gene, you know you should dump her but at this stage of the game, you're afraid to be left alone. I understand. 

It seems you want someone to back you or help you justify you marrying this woman, only I don't think you're going to get what you want. 

If you're hoping to find someone to take care of you in your old age, she is not the one!

I truly hope you work this out for yourself.


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## hollydolly (Oct 31, 2018)

I agree with Radish rose... I firmly believe you'll be making a big mistake getting re-married to this woman...


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## Butterfly (Oct 31, 2018)

genejr1224 said:


> Well here is the thing. I have been dating her since 2009. So 9 years. She has met my kids who are all now adults. I have been waiting for her to get the divorce but that just happened last year. She also has not told her son until this year that her ex and her divorced. Her ex and her stayed in the same house for their son. I thought ok but by the time he entered college 2 years ago I thought things would start happening but it hasn't except for the divorce. Well I am tired of waiting now. Tired of not having the holidays together. Tired of going to her special events like reunions and acting as we are a real item. Her last reunion I noticed a few women noticing me. So I began to wonder what would be better to leave  and start dating again.



If I were in your shoes in the above circumstances, I would have very serious doubt about the woman's commitment to me.  I also wouldn't have waited so long for her to fish or cut bait.  IMHO she is stringing you along.  I would be seriously tired of settling for half a loaf and I'd be looking elsewhere.  Just as an aside, I also think there is something very odd and sneaky about the charade of living in the same house after the divorce and not telling her son.  Are you sure that since she is willing to be dishonest and deceitful with her son that she would  not be the same with you?  Are you sure the divorce is even real?


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## genejr1224 (Nov 12, 2018)

I told her tonight it is over. The waiting for her is over. Now she is promising me everything. But I know once she feels confident she will procrastinate again. I told her no its over. I just fell out of love for her.


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## terry123 (Nov 12, 2018)

genejr1224 said:


> I told her tonight it is over. The waiting for her is over. Now she is promising me everything. But I know once she feels confident she will procrastinate again. I told her no its over. I just fell out of love for her.


Good for you. Stick to your guns and start looking around for other friendships that could lead to something!. Have fun and enjoy yourself.


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## genejr1224 (Nov 12, 2018)

Thank you Terry


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## genejr1224 (Nov 12, 2018)

I won't know now. I ended it with her tonight


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 12, 2018)

After all this time it's going to be hard to be alone, but my hope for you is that whatever feminine wiles she might try to use to convince you that the two of you should still be a couple, you can stick to your decision. Far better to be alone than to be with someone you really don't want to be with.

Enjoy your single-ness and be careful about being on the rebound. Once word gets around, every single woman within miles is going to just "happen to be in the neighborhood" dropping off a casserole!


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## RadishRose (Nov 12, 2018)

Now you're not tied to someone you don't love! Now you can find happiness. Best wishes to you.


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## genejr1224 (Nov 12, 2018)

Thank you Georgia. I am, hopefully, working with my feet firmly on the ground and a clear mind. Many years ago I learned my lesson about being on the rebound. She is calling my phone all night long and texting me constantly. That is why I turned my phone off last night. This morning,when I turned my phone on, it was buzzing with all the message and phone notifications she sent last night.


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## C'est Moi (Nov 12, 2018)

Good luck; it sounds like you have made the right decision.   I hope it works out for you.

Just as an aside... if you will click on the "Reply with Quote" button on the post you are answering, it will quote that post in your reply.   Then we will all know whose post you are responding to.


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## Keesha (Nov 12, 2018)

Olivia said:


> If you're asking, you already know.





genejr1224 said:


> That simple?


Yes. You are in denial and complicating things. 



Olivia said:


> What other kind of answer could you expect? You're falling out of love and that's all we really know. Would you advise someone to marry someone they're not really sure about?





Olivia said:


> You're welcome. And welcome here, by the way.
> 
> I can see trying to reignite feelings to save a marriage, but to start off a marriage that way doesn't sound ideal. I suppose the question really is, why?



Exactly. If the fireworks have fizzled off before the marriage has even begun then you are paddling upstream full tilt.


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## genejr1224 (Nov 14, 2018)

RadishRose said:


> Now you're not tied to someone you don't love! Now you can find happiness. Best wishes to you.



Thank you RadishRose!


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## genejr1224 (Nov 14, 2018)

Keesha said:


> Yes. You are in denial and complicating things.
> 
> Exactly. If the fireworks have fizzled off before the marriage has even begun then you are paddling upstream full tilt.



I understand fully. This forum helps because instead of answering her constant text messages and phone calls. I can come right here. She is calling me now. I'll turn off the phone.


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## Butterfly (Nov 14, 2018)

I think you did the right thing for your long-term happiness; sorry it is such a pain in the rear right now.  All that constant calling and texting would creep me out -- I would see it as kinda threatening, but maybe men don't look at things like that quite the same way.  I had a similar experience many years ago, and found it to be very uncomfortable -- especially since it was in the "olden days" where we didn't have caller ID to let us know who was calling.  And I would also see his car sort of cruising my street.  I finally had my boss (lawyer) write him a letter telling him to cease and desist or the police would be brought in.  Fortunately, the behavior stopped.


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## genejr1224 (Nov 14, 2018)

Butterfly said:


> I think you did the right thing for your long-term happiness; sorry it is such a pain in the rear right now.  All that constant calling and texting would creep me out -- I would see it as kinda threatening, but maybe men don't look at things like that quite the same way.  I had a similar experience many years ago, and found it to be very uncomfortable -- especially since it was in the "olden days" where we didn't have caller ID to let us know who was calling.  And I would also see his car sort of cruising my street.  I finally had my boss (lawyer) write him a letter telling him to cease and desist or the police would be brought in.  Fortunately, the behavior stopped.



This is her email to me last night;
Gene,


I understand all the points you made in your email last night. They are all valid.


I'm sorry that it took that letter to finally do what I should have done at least 2 years ago. I know that was not the intention of your letter.



I talked in depth with David and my mother and Jerry. They all know everything. 


I've told David who you are to me and that what I'd like with you if want me. 

I talked to Jerry, he was surprised it was you but I told him I'm hoping to have a future with you. 


I know I didn't have to tell Jerry anything at this point but I wanted to know that I could do it and at least everything and would be out in the open.


I talked to my Mom. I told her that David and Jerry are visiting David's cousin in Visalia for Thanksgiving. I didnt know this had been arranged till today. I also told her I was hoping to be invited to your Mom's for Thanksgiving. I explained that I wasnt sure if you and I were going to be together or not.  She was a little quiet and said she just wants me to be happy and I can make my own decisions. 


I am hoping to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas and every holiday with you if you'll let me.


Gene, I know screwed up. I assumed the worse and it didnt happen. Yes, there is never a right time for these things.  I've learned that. Unfortunately maybe too late.


I love you.

I know you love me.

I know I'm passed the final hour. 

But I want to be with you 100%

I will find a job where you are. David will be fine. He knows I love him and his life can be worked into ours.

I want to be with you.


You say that you are done with me.  I understand your frustration.  You have had the patience of a saint. 


I want 100% of our lives to combine and start RIGHT NOW.  I will do anything and tell everyone that I love you.. I've told David and my mother everything. 


I love you. We have been a part of each other's lives for so long. You are my blood. You are half my heart. We belong together. Can't we start from right now?  


You say its too late, you say you're done.  I know you are in a good place right now in your life. All your children are with you.  But can you just reconsider? There is no more waiting. 

I want to be with you and be in that life. WE  ARE SO CLOSE WITH THIS. All you have to say is ok. 


We have so much love. I love and care so much for you. Our love is so special.

Please consider that. Please reconsider.


I will drive down to you to talk or you can come up and see me. Me and David if you want.


I love you. I always have and I always will.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 14, 2018)

Please don't cave. Wherever she says "we" insert "I" and wherever she says "our" insert "my." 

One has to ask "Why the secrecy? What was to be gained?" She wants what she wants, and as far as I can tell, the only reason she decided to tell one and all NOW is for her benefit. If she what she wanted was to benefit BOTH of you, she'd have told her family and friends long ago.

Sometimes people re-marry because they forgot why they divorced. Don't forget why she divorced you! It was because she wanted what she wanted. When trust is gone, everything else is gone, too. Doesn't sound like she's to be trusted at all.

Best to cut off communication because the longer she works on you, the more likely she is to convince you that what SHE wants is what you want, too, even though you've already made the decision to call a halt to what appears to be a one-sided relationship and what would very likely turn back into a one-sided relationship in spite of her insistence that all is well now. Apparently, all is well with her, but that email is all about her and what she wants, no mention of you and what you want.

Blah blah blah...I'm rambling!


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## Leann (Nov 14, 2018)

Gene, I just read the long text she sent you. Then I went back an re-read your posts. She left you after 5 years of marriage. You were devastated. She comes back into your life years later, telling people selective truths. She doesn't tell her college-aged son about her divorce from his father, she continues to live with her ex-husband and strings you along for a ride. Does ANY of that sound like true, shout-it-from-the-rooftop kind of love? 

She panicked when you told her your were done with your relationship with her. You took control of your life - good for you! I have a bad feeling about her. Is this good enough for you for the rest of your life? Does a leopard really change its spots? 

Remember this saying, it will serve you well: _*"Don't make someone a priority who makes you an option."*_


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## genejr1224 (Nov 14, 2018)

This morning I went to my water therapy. I pulled up to my house and my daughter was waiting outside. She said she wanted to tell me Anna was in the house. Anna had drove 2 1/2 hours to see me. I went in had coffee  eggs and bacon. So then I took her into my room and told her to sit on the chair. I listen to her. she said all the same things. I gave her my why for my decision. Told she is not going to have Thanksgiving with me or my family. Told her to give me time then I told her to go home. I walked her to her car and said goodbye. She stayed parked for an additional 1/2 hour even though I walked back into my house.


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## C'est Moi (Nov 14, 2018)

Good grief; I hope she doesn't start stalking you.   

And I have to say, it was  disloyal of you to post her private letter to you.   I'm sure that was meant for your eyes only.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 14, 2018)

Oh, my. Leann's right, don't make somebody a priority who makes you an option. Please, please don't cave and please, please don't continue to explain yourself or your decision to her because it's just not necessary. You're entitled to decide what you want to do with your life. You told her it's a no-go and then told her to* give you time?* That sure sounds like a mixed message to me! If I were a love-struck high school girl mooning over a crush and he told me to give him time what I'd hear is that there's hope.

It's flattering to be so wanted that she'd phone, text, email, drive for 2 1/2 hours to see you after you've told her it's over and done with. Do you really want that kind of attention from somebody you no longer want in your life? That borders on stalking, for heaven's sake!

Sounds like you've been as patient as a saint, as kind as possible, and gracious as well. Maybe it's time to stop being gentle but firm and start being cold and deliberate because so far she apparently hasn't paid attention.

And still she insists that you get back together because that's what SHE wants?There's a way to put a stop to it and make it stick: employ the blocking feature on your phone and on your computer.


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## genejr1224 (Nov 14, 2018)

C'est Moi said:


> Good grief; I hope she doesn't start stalking you.
> 
> And I have to say, it was  disloyal of you to post her private letter to you.   I'm sure that was meant for your eyes only.



I thought about that, posting her letter and you are right. I just know she will never see this forum and I believe no one here knows her. So I used the letter to give clarification. I did not post her letter with any malice towards her.


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## genejr1224 (Nov 14, 2018)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> Oh, my. Leann's right, don't make somebody a priority who makes you an option. Please, please don't cave and please, please don't continue to explain yourself or your decision to her because it's just not necessary. You're entitled to decide what you want to do with your life. You told her it's a no-go and then told her to* give you time?* That sure sounds like a mixed message to me! If I were a love-struck high school girl mooning over a crush and he told me to give him time what I'd hear is that there's hope.
> 
> It's flattering to be so wanted that she'd phone, text, email, drive for 2 1/2 hours to see you after you've told her it's over and done with. Do you really want that kind of attention from somebody you no longer want in your life? That borders on stalking, for heaven's sake!
> 
> ...


 Thanks, I used the give me time as a way to get her to leave my house without any argument. I will not be answering her calls or messages. I think she understands its over. It just has to sink in.


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## AprilSun (Nov 14, 2018)

genejr1224 said:


> Thanks, I used the give me time as a way to get her to leave my house without any argument. I will not be answering her calls or messages. I think she understands its over. It just has to sink in.



It's not going to sink in as long as you keep giving her hope. You know you didn't want more time, but she doesn't. You have to make a believer out of her by being firm and ignoring her.


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## Leann (Nov 14, 2018)

genejr1224 said:


> I thought about that, posting her letter and you are right. I just know she will never see this forum and I believe no one here knows her. So I used the letter to give clarification. I did not post her letter with any malice towards her.



Gene, I didn't get the impression that you posted her message to you with the intent of violating any confidentiality. We don't know her or you and it actually helped provide additional clarification about her personality. She's in a state of panic, having lost control of the situation and having lost you. Move on, live your best life.


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## Falcon (Nov 14, 2018)

BTW   Gene,  :welcome:  to the forum.


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## WhatInThe (Nov 15, 2018)

No need for formalities at our age. Sometimes casual works better than formal. A friend, a date, companion is better than a spouse at this point.


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## Leann (Nov 15, 2018)

Gene, checking in with you. How are you? How are things?


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## genejr1224 (Nov 16, 2018)

Leann said:


> Gene, checking in with you. How are you? How are things?




Thanks for asking Leann. I am doing well. I am content with my decision to stop my relationship with Anna, Things are looking up and i feel i will be doing well. How are you doing? How are things with you?


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## Leann (Nov 18, 2018)

genejr1224 said:


> Thanks for asking Leann. I am doing well. I am content with my decision to stop my relationship with Anna, Things are looking up and i feel i will be doing well. How are you doing? How are things with you?



Glad you're doing well, Gene. It gets easier little by little. I'm glad yo hear you're making yourself a priority.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Dec 3, 2018)

It's always a good idea to read the entire OP and each and every post after that.


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## C'est Moi (Dec 4, 2018)

HippySenior said:


> These forums have helped. Reading your story makes me feel less alone. How I you doing, if you dont mind me asking?



Gene's story sounds very similar to the story you posted earlier today.


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## RadishRose (Dec 4, 2018)

C'est Moi said:


> Gene's story sounds very similar to the story you posted earlier today.



very similar.


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## AZ Jim (Dec 4, 2018)

C'est Moi said:


> Good grief; I hope she doesn't start stalking you.
> 
> And I have to say, it was  disloyal of you to post her private letter to you.   I'm sure that was meant for your eyes only.


I agree.  Very wrong to post her message to you on a web site.


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## Keesha (Dec 4, 2018)

Aye! Private means private.


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## Butterfly (Dec 4, 2018)

AprilSun said:


> It's not going to sink in as long as you keep giving her hope. You know you didn't want more time, but she doesn't. You have to make a believer out of her by being firm and ignoring her.



I agree strongly with AprilSun.  Saying "give me time" says you will maybe change your mind.  She's not going to leave you alone until she hears loud and clear that you are done.  

BTW, change the locks on your house so she can't just some in when she wants.  If you are really done with her, BE done.


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## Giantsfan1954 (Dec 5, 2018)

Gene,Hi my name is Pat,not can I relate.
My hubby died in 2006 and I really didn't have a desire to date,I don't go to bars,don't drink at all,I have 2 left feet when it comes to dancing,pretty much an introvert with my 2 kitties,I am a Mom of 2 grown kids.
Anyhoo,a little over 2 years ago,I was asked out by this guy,who I knew from when we both were volunteers at a nursing home,he called,asked if I wanted to have lunch at the Italian restaurant,I said sure once we were seated he wanted to know if I wanted him to sit next to me in the booth,uuh,no,he immediately started telling me about his ex and how mean she was to him after they split(this was a girlfriend,he's never been married,we ended the lunch with asking me if I wanted a relationship which I said,if we take it slowly,no promises.
So,I friended him on facebook,he immediately sent friend requests to my kids and their spouses,red flag!
He started phoning daily coming up with ideas for dates,wanting to go with me to doctor appointments,help around my house,accompany me to stores,wanted to be involved with stuff with my kids and grandson(red flag 2)also kept dropping hints about moving in here,not...
It took me a couple of months to realize this 

guy is mentally retarded,he can't write legibly,he can't read,if we went to a restaurant,he would order exactly what I did,not being able to read the menu,I guess,he has a driver's license which I can't figure out how he got,has a terrible tremor in his hands.
Around this time a year ago,I was trying to complete a difficult online transaction for my granddaughter and he was burning up my phone with calls to tell me,he had seen the ex while caroling at the nursing home and he didn't want me to hear it from someone else,I lost my shit and told him I was done.
He didn't take it well started calling non stop,pestering my kids on Facebook to the point where I blocked him on my FB,told my kids to do the same,I also blocked his number on my cell,which I quickly learned the phone won't ring but it's possible to leave a voicemail,aargh.He also says I love you non-stop and if I ignored him,he would answer himself,he also has a junior high  type drama and carries on if I even mention another man friend,he touched way to much,he insists on kissing me which I don't respond to and has grabbed the boobies every so often,junior high style.
Sadly,I ran into him in the spring and I agreed to be friends,nothing more,well,as we well know doesn't fly,it's now back to the beginning.
He needed to go get food and he doesn't have a car so I agreed to take him,square one,stands to close,etc.
I am honestly  considering asking my son,stepson and son in law to go have a chat with him.
Apologies for the length,just wanted to let you know I'm pretty much in the same boat
Have a peaceful night.
BTW,IMHO,she's after a meal ticket.
My creeper wants a family,he took care of his mom until she passed so has no kids,has a brother who really doesn't want anything to do with him and a sister who lives in Georgia who has a control freak husband,basically he wants to be "adopted" 
Not happening!!!!!!!!
Good luck


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