# Top 5 Regrets of the Dying



## SifuPhil (Mar 16, 2013)

Hospice and palliative care workers are often the last people to speak with a dying person, and over time there comes a certain sameness of expressed emotions. Each dying person will go through the traditional stages of denial, fear, anger, remorse, bargaining and eventually acceptance.

Their regrets about their lives also tend to fall into one or more of these top 5 categories:

1. *Living a life that is true to themselves, not to others*

   This is the most-often expressed regret, having lived a life devoted largely to helping others fulfill their dreams instead of seeking their own.

2. *They wished they hadn't worked so hard*

   Missing out on family time, creating health issues and constantly running on the wheel because of work demands seemed, in the end, to be a massive waste of time.

3. *They wished they had expressed their feelings
*
   "Holding it in" because of a misplaced sense of propriety often lead to frustration, anger and physical illness. If they had it to do again they would speak out about both their joys and sorrows, their beliefs and opinions.

4. *They wished they had stayed in touch with their friends*

   In the hustle and bustle of living life friendships often melt away, but in the final days they take on a renewed importance. Often it is simply too late to re-build bridges. They state they should have placed a higher importance on their close friendships.

5. *They wished they would have allowed themselves to be happy*

   This is perhaps the saddest one. They failed to realize that happiness is a gift one gives to oneself, not that one finds out there "somewhere", and as a result they led lives of falsehoods, pretending they were happy when in fact they were often miserable.


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 16, 2013)

Interesting food for thought, for those of us who can still make some life adjustments for the better.


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## SifuPhil (Mar 17, 2013)

SeaBreeze said:


> Interesting food for thought, for those of us who can still make some life adjustments for the better.



Aye, there's the rub, right? Time is constantly marching forward, and I think toward the end sometimes it breaks into a gallop. All the more reason to live in the moment ...


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 17, 2013)

SifuPhil said:


> Aye, there's the rub, right? Time is constantly marching forward, and I think toward the end sometimes it breaks into a gallop. All the more reason to live in the moment ...



Well said...waste of precious time to rehash problems of the past, or dedicate too much time worrying about things that MAY happen in the future.


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## Amethyst1 (Mar 25, 2013)

*Dying regrets&*

Where or how did you find this list, SeaBreeze?
Very interesting and surprised family and love are not listed.


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## Ozarkgal (Mar 25, 2013)

SifuPhil said:


> Aye, there's the rub, right? Time is constantly marching forward, and I think toward the end sometimes it breaks into a gallop. All the more reason to live in the moment ...



 Aye..for me it is so true about time galloping. Since retirement, the days seem to zoom by, and we find ourselves asking where the day or week went. I thought time would slow down since we are not rushed to get things done as when we were working. But that is not the case. It seems like there are never enough hours in the day. We will be retired three years in June, and it's hard to believe that much time has passed already.  

On the list #2 and #4 ring my bell.  I wish I wouldn't have had to work so hard to make a good living wage, but doing so allowed me to retire without having to work until I'm 80 (at least for now anyway).  By misfortune of birth, I wasn't lucky enough to be an heiress.

As far as friends go, I had many friends up until my late 40's.  After being burned by several of them over time, I found myself starting to withdraw from forming close personal attachments, as they seemed to more often than not to bring disappointment and obligation, with not much return.

My best for life friend once told me that if a person has 3 really good friends in a lifetime, they were a lucky person.  She was one of mine, and she has since passed.  She was my soul mate friend, and I miss her greatly.

I find that friends come and go in life and generally only remain friends while you are in close proximity to them.  I am the world's worst for maintaining a long distance friendship, and really have no desire to do so.


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## Ozarkgal (Mar 25, 2013)

SeaBreeze said:


> Well said...waste of precious time to rehash problems of the past, or dedicate too much time worrying about things that MAY happen in the future.



So true.  Living in the present frees you up to concentrate on what's real now and appreciate it, or deal with it.  We cannot change the past, nor control the future no matter how much we plan..


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## SifuPhil (Mar 25, 2013)

Amethyst1 said:


> Where or how did you find this list, SeaBreeze?
> Very interesting and surprised family and love are not listed.



It was from a longtime hospice worker and geriatric researcher - they experienced so many end-of-life scenarios that they began to see patterns, repetitions of certain regrets, so they decided to write about it. I've forgotten if they did a proper paper on it or just journaled it. I recall the main points from my studies but not the precise source - sorry.



			
				Ozarkgal said:
			
		

> I find that friends come and go in life and generally only remain  friends while you are in close proximity to them.  I am the world's  worst for maintaining a long distance friendship, and really have no  desire to do so.



You're _second_ worst - I still retain top honors in that category.


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## R. Zimm (Mar 25, 2013)

I think #5 has the most potential for each of us to live fuller. I am working at choosing to be happy regardless of my problems. We all will have problems. If it's not one thing it's another, right?

 Part of my problem is my Germanic lineage of stoic grumpiness because most everyone else cannot handle equipment of any sort.


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## Amethyst1 (Mar 27, 2013)

I'd like some clarification on number 5. Happiness is very subjective.
I know much about it from books and theory,anyway.
I have no problem with 4. No desire to see friends again or keep in touch,
except for a few girlfriends who were disappointing in the end, and caused me much
dismay. Cannot keep in touch even if I tried.


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## SifuPhil (Mar 27, 2013)

Amethyst1 said:


> I'd like some clarification on number 5. Happiness is very subjective.
> I know much about it from books and theory,anyway.
> I have no problem with 4. No desire to see friends again or keep in touch,
> except for a few girlfriends who were disappointing in the end, and caused me much
> dismay. Cannot keep in touch even if I tried.



Happiness IS subjective in that it is different for everyone, but to FIND that happiness sometimes we go off following the wrong paths. We might be convinced by some snake-oil salesman on TV that we won't TRULY be happy until we corner the market on foreclosures, which we can learn to do for only $179.99.

We might be convinced by our spouse that we have to have a huge home, the latest model Mercedes and a debt level equal to a small country in order to be happy.

We may follow our parent's wishes for us to be a doctor, a lawyer or an Indian chief, but if it isn't OUR dream then we'll never be happy.

In a materialistic society such as ours money is usually seen as the key to happiness. While I won't deny that it can help you get the better things in life - health care, a roof over your head, good food - making the accumulation of that money your goal in the thought that it will _make_ you happy is just wrong, else we wouldn't have so many unhappy celebrities. From watching them I've learned that money does NOT always equal happiness - it's just a means to an end.


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## R. Zimm (Mar 27, 2013)

Happiness to me means I have more than I need to survive and the governement leaves me alone.


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## SallyintheValley (Apr 17, 2013)

I live a selfish life now that I'm older.  I need to be happy and at peace.  All the problems and pain of the past is past.  My biggest regret will not being smarter sooner.  I tried to stay true to myself and was never a workaholic, so I have those covered.  But losing a child to alcoholism has been my life's worst experience and I wish I could go back and fix it somehow....


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## SeaBreeze (Apr 17, 2013)

SallyintheValley said:


> I live a selfish life now that I'm older.  I need to be happy and at peace.  All the problems and pain of the past is past.  My biggest regret will not being smarter sooner.  I tried to stay true to myself and was never a workaholic, so I have those covered.  But losing a child to alcoholism has been my life's worst experience and I wish I could go back and fix it somehow....



 You're a smart lady for taking care of yourself now, and focusing on being happy and peaceful.  It's so true that the past is done with, and dwelling on it serves no purpose.  My deepest sympathy for the loss of your child. :sentimental:


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## Anne (Apr 17, 2013)

Sally, I'm sorry to hear about your child, but even if we could go back, we can't make the choices for any others; they have to do that themselves.....that's the hard part for us.

Happiness to me, is something we all strive for, but perhaps never really find.  Money can't buy it; the thrill of excitement is only temporary; love is an important part, but is never without fault...I think to be content with what we have and learn to accept ourselves is about as close as we can get.

Lots of interesting thoughts here, folks.


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## Fallingup (May 8, 2013)

I found this to be a very interesting thread. One of my regrets is and will always be, not maintaining friendships. I don't know why but I look back and realize that I've brought on a lot of my own loneliness by putting off and ignoring friends for whatever reasons i don't really know.


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## FishWisher (May 8, 2013)

I really don't know why Sifu would edit out the well known regret #6 which is #1 on some surveys:

_*They didn't spend enough time fishing!*_


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## SifuPhil (May 8, 2013)

FishWisher said:


> I really don't know why Sifu would edit out the well known regret #6 which is #1 on some surveys:
> 
> _*They didn't spend enough time fishing!*_



A valid point, Dale! 

Unfortunately if I had included every special interest group, the list would have been unmanageable. Just imagine - the Horse- and Dog-loving contingents here would have my head if I forgot to include them. Then there's those scary stamp collectors, the surfers, the container gardeners ...

No, I appreciate your interest and I wish you fish well, but I'll just stick to the generic 5 Regrets.


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## Lyn (May 8, 2013)

My only regret will be that it's over.


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