# Growing apart



## Jeni (Dec 8, 2021)

I  had this discussion with some friends recently though i could see what wisdom or insight i can gain here. 

I always thought long term marriages were the ideal ..... I remember my grandparents celebration of 50 years .... 
really bought the til death do us part and for those on this site that had that i applaud you......

But there are moments where it does not seem worth it.   How long is too long..... so you fake it ....as "Until  Death due us part" becomes a GOAL not a promise. 

We grow as people at different rates ..... we like different things and some lose interest in doing anything.   
It has been a difficult year of really seeing how far we are apart and only one person is even trying at this point to make it work. 

A  larger group then i imagined are simply just not happy in their relationship.......... but stay together for what ?     
The kids who are all grown anyway.  Simply too hard to split finances ? 

A friend  fakes all is fine................. even though  her husband was clear in stating publicly (in our neighborhood) that he simply can not stand her anymore  .........they live on opposite end of their home do nothing together.   Even eat and drive places in separate cars etc. 

Only fake nice for their kid who is darn near 50 .... why do people do this?


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## Nathan (Dec 8, 2021)

Jeni said:


> Only fake nice for their kid who is darn near 50 .... why do people do this?


To avoid the considerable expense of a late life divorce or separation.       I see "growing apart" as pretty common, it takes a lot of effort to rekindle the flames that may have burned out.


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## Jules (Dec 8, 2021)

It‘s quite obvious that some couples are unhappy.  

Some can’t stand the thought of living alone.


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## Don M. (Dec 8, 2021)

After over 57 years of marriage, my wife and I have "adapted" to each other.  At our ages, "intimacy" is pretty much history, but we get along nicely, and depend on each other.


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## Verisure (Dec 8, 2021)

Jeni said:


> Growing apart​


There is no answer to your question. I’ve been thinking about this lately …. yes lately I have been thinking about it a lot. I haven’t come up with any one-size-fits-all answer but I have a couple of ideas or theories.

The answer might lie in reversing the question. Not _“what am I doing with him/her?”_ but _“what would life be without him/her?”_ Living alone isn’t so easy when you get older and few of us are as stubborn as Gary O’. And personally, I cannot bear to think about meeting “someone new”. Dating? Oh, no, please not that!

*“The spark”.* How honest do you want me to be? How deeply do you want to see into my soul? The truth? The truth is that I am still very deeply in love with my wife. I get dreamy-eyed when I look at her and I long to hold her in my arms with my cheek against hers, but it ain't happening. It isn’t me who's lost *“the spark”*. But I hang on.


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## Jeni (Dec 8, 2021)

Don M. said:


> After over 57 years of marriage, my wife and I have "adapted" to each other.  At our ages, "intimacy" is pretty much history, but we get along nicely, and depend on each other.


that is good to hear 
i have hope i will be able to say the same thing some day............


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## Verisure (Dec 8, 2021)

Don M. said:


> After over 57 years of marriage, my wife and I have "adapted" to each other.  At our ages, "intimacy" is pretty much history, but we get along nicely, and depend on each other.


As good as it gets.


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## Jeni (Dec 8, 2021)

Verisure said:


> There is no answer to your question. I’ve been thinking about this lately …. yes lately I have been thinking about it a lot. I haven’t come up with any one-size-fits-all answer but I have a couple of ideas or theories.
> 
> The answer might lie in reversing the question. Not _“what am I doing with him/her?”_ but _“what would life be without him/her?”_ Living alone isn’t so easy when you get older and few of us are as stubborn as Gary O’. And personally, I cannot bear to think about meeting “someone new”. Dating? Oh, no, please not that!
> 
> *“The spark”.* How honest do you want me to be? How deeply do you want to see into my soul? The truth? The truth is that I am still very deeply in love with my wife. I get dreamy-eyed when I look at her and I long to hold her in my arms with my cheek against hers, but it ain't happening. It isn’t me who's lost *“the spark”*. But I hang on.


well i guess i am not the only person pondering this.....
i know as we age maybe the spark fades a bit..... but always assumed the mutual respect and friendship would continue. 

"What would life be like without" .........is a question i ponder and honestly think i am ALONE now what is the difference

my spouse was recently hospitalized with a heart issue ... he put off care until almost too late.... 
no visitors are allowed here at hospital the phone to hospital was constantly overwhelmed so could not get info that way... he was useless in sharing his diagnosis etc. after 37 years of marriage i am treated like a in home caregiver ......NOPE
All i could think of was rooms i would need to paint  and repair to put house on the market ..........      and packing up things if he died ....so i could move closer to my grandkids...... 

He came home and now his dietary restrictions he decided are MINE too ..... NOPE 
he was more interested in playing a video game he missed while in hospital ......


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## Verisure (Dec 8, 2021)

Jeni said:


> ..... "What would life be like without" .........is a question i ponder and honestly think i am ALONE now what is the difference .....


When I read this part I thought, *"Geeze Louise, there's a big difference!"* but then I read the rest of it and ..... 



Jeni said:


> .....
> my spouse was recently hospitalized with a heart issue ... he put off care until almost too late....
> no visitors are allowed here at hospital the phone to hospital was constantly overwhelmed so could not get info that way... he was useless in sharing his diagnosis etc. after 37 years of marriage i am treated like a in home caregiver ......NOPE
> All i could think of was rooms i would need to paint  and repair to put house on the market ..........      and packing up things if he died ....so i could move closer to my grandkids......
> ...


... now I'm not so sure.


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## Sachet (Dec 8, 2021)

I have a similar problem here in Iniana, I'm sure you'll remember !


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## Mizmo (Dec 8, 2021)

Reading all of the above makes me feel reasonably content that I am on my own.
 Have been for 40 years or so ( he 'wandered' after 21 years ) and while there were times when I wished I had some one in my life  on a permanent basis I have to admit that it was the best thing that happened then as I know that I could not have lived with this man all these years and others who came in to my life. 
Yes I had two proposals but the thought of rearranging my life to suit someone else was just not for me.
 I don't have too many married friends left but I can honestly say they are just 'existing' with the other person
Just my thoughts folks....


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## Gaer (Dec 8, 2021)

You'll give no worth to words from  a widow, as I am not in a relationship, but I hope you'll let me express my views.
i think, not too long in the future, the whole institution of marriage will come into serious review.

To me, a little love is no love at all.
Unless it's a mad, passionate, magical, extraordinary love, it's a waste of time. 
 Unless you look across the room and think to yourself, "My God, How I love this man!".  
Unless you can do that, it has become a cordial, comfortable desolation, a resignation. 
Then, are you no more than roommates?  

Jeni has articulated this feeling perfectly!  
I've watched old married couples in restaurants, never looking at each other, never talking.
They just stare at the table until the waitress brings the food.  and, I want to cry for them!


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## Jeni (Dec 8, 2021)

Gaer said:


> You'll give no worth to words from  a widow, as I am not in a relationship, but I hope you'll let me express my views.
> i think, not too long in the future, the whole institution of marriage will come into serious review.
> 
> To me, a little love is no love at all.
> ...


Thank you for your post. Many here on the forum bring a lifetime of experience to add insight and i appreciate the perspectives 
I could not agree more about  "a little love is NO love at all"
it is incredibly sad to watch those who live as sometimes not even cordial roommates.

 In looking across the room if you ask yourself what did you see in this person ? 
  If you are constantly amazed at the complete disconnect and then you resign yourself to stay together for finances ... for pride that see we are still together etc .....even when others SEE the issue.


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## Sachet (Dec 8, 2021)

I agree with Gaer. More like roommates.


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## Sachet (Dec 8, 2021)

Jeni said:


> Thank you for your post. Many here on the forum bring a lifetime of experience to add insight and i appreciate the perspectives
> I could not agree more about  "a little love is NO love at all"
> it is incredibly sad to watch those who live as sometimes not even cordial roommates.
> 
> ...


Finances ! Bingo.


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## OneEyedDiva (Dec 8, 2021)

Different couples have different reasons. I think "staying together for the kids" is one of the worst reasons because children can sense the tension, anger and maybe even hatred and it's not good for them, especially younger ones. My personal theory is that of the 50% of marriages that do not end in divorce probably only half of those are happy...maybe not even that many. Some stay for the convenience, others because it would cause a financial hardship if they divorced, some follow the saying "Stick with the evil you know". 

I know two couples who lived in the same house due to financial reasons but were divorced. Each of those who were my friends (I never knew their ex's) dated and their ex-spouses were cool with that. I used to tease the male friend asking him what his prospective GFs thought of his arrangement. I think everyone deserves to find happiness in this life. Staying in a miserable marriage certainly is not the way to do that. But some people feel they have no choice.


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## Jeni (Dec 8, 2021)

I don't have a desire to date.......... but would appreciate a dinner that did not have someone lost in their phone or TV. 
Do not see the point if staying in same house etc to bother divorcing seems like a waste of money for legal fees. 
I guess i am just becoming disillusioned as I see more living in a miserable situation.


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## Sachet (Dec 8, 2021)

An online friend is often the solution.


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## Gaer (Dec 8, 2021)

Jeni said:


> Thank you for your post. Many here on the forum bring a lifetime of experience to add insight and i appreciate the perspectives
> I could not agree more about  "a little love is NO love at all"
> it is incredibly sad to watch those who live as sometimes not even cordial roommates.
> 
> ...


Jeri, You express your feelings so beautifully.
But, Isn't this living a half-life?
Money (finances) is meaningless.
Love is ALL!  
I would rather live in poverty, IN LOVE, than live in mediocrity, in the mundane.
but, I am a strange duck!  Don't go by me.
To me, Life should be an adventure.  if it isn't, it's no life at all!

I agree individuals grow in different ways, and my feelings have little merit in most marriages.
People get married for more and better happiness, not for finances. right?


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## Gaer (Dec 8, 2021)

@Sachet, If you are unhappily married, do you consider an "online friend" as cheating?  What if you fall in love with this friend because there is communication that you have long ceased having with your spouse?


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## Sachet (Dec 8, 2021)

Not really cheating, per se. Love always finds a way.


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## Sachet (Dec 8, 2021)

I had an online friend for awhile but we lost touch, sadly.


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## Jeni (Dec 8, 2021)

I have thought about that situation myself.
I have had friends that told me they fell in love online never met the person in real life ....
i thought that was different.
People warn of scams and people looking to deceive someone.....
but if you do find someone to chat with and they are in similar situation of a loveless marriage etc. 
Is that an emotional affair ... would it lead to an actual affair ?


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## Sachet (Dec 8, 2021)

Message me, Jeni. I'll tell you my experience.


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## MarciKS (Dec 8, 2021)

Jeni said:


> I  had this discussion with some friends recently though i could see what wisdom or insight i can gain here.
> 
> I always thought long term marriages were the ideal ..... I remember my grandparents celebration of 50 years ....
> really bought the til death do us part and for those on this site that had that i applaud you......
> ...


Also it's hard to start over when you're older.


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## Colleen (Dec 8, 2021)

I contemplated separating about 4 years ago. The main reason was I was so unhappy with where we moved to that I just couldn't get past being resentful because this was his idea, not mine. 

I sat down with pencil and paper and listed all finances and what it would cost to separate. I was 70 at the time and thought about how hard it would be to move back to my hometown by myself and I could not live on my SS alone. 

I stayed with him. He's basically a good man and I could be having a very rough time without his financial support if I had left.

I became more distant from him but we "get along" and in the last 6 months or so we've gotten past that tough patch and just when I'd talked myself into making peace with the fact that I'd be stuck here (in this God-awful town), he said he was ready to go back "home"...if I was still interested in doing that.

I can't say that there's "love" between us like when we were younger and all dreamy-eyed and naïve, but we're comfortable with each other. The intimacy is long gone but friendship and caring about each other is just as rewarding.


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## Marie5656 (Dec 8, 2021)

*I think as life experiences change, I can see friendships drifting apart.  In marriages, once two people get into a comfortable routine I can see changes as well.  I think we can that once we spend more time together it happens.  I think it is important for couples to find their own separate interests and routines.  
Some people have the notion that in order to have a happy, successful marriage, a couple must spend ALL their time together, and share ALL the same interests.  Not realistic.   what comes to mind is when I was planning a lunch date with two HS friends, who I had not seen in a while.  One was great with the plans, the other had to "check when her husband was available" as they always did everything together.  She would not even consider the notion of doing something with out him.  She will be lost when he passes. And devistated.
and Feelings of love change...not go away, just change.*


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## Jeni (Dec 8, 2021)

Colleen said:


> I contemplated separating about 4 years ago. The main reason was I was so unhappy with where we moved to that I just couldn't get past being resentful because this was his idea, not mine.
> 
> I sat down with pencil and paper and listed all finances and what it would cost to separate. I was 70 at the time and thought about how hard it would be to move back to my hometown by myself and I could not live on my SS alone.
> 
> ...


Wow could have written that whole post 
we have moved to a place i dislike i have no interest in living here.  I have some financial independence and in my 50s can still work ... actually all 3 of my grown children have offered places to live with them and their spouses. 
I keep hoping his complete disconnect he has developed in about the last 2 years would come to a halt and he would snap out of it and we could be reasonable roommates but alas do not see that happening


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## mrstime (Dec 8, 2021)

after 64 years together we still find things to talk about, he still makes me laugh, and I still make him laugh. Most of the time he reads , I play on the computer and watch TV.  What would I do without the person I dearly love who is also my most trusted best friend? I know he feels the same.


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## Jeni (Dec 8, 2021)

Marie5656 said:


> *I think as life experiences change, I can see friendships drifting apart.  In marriages, once two people get into a comfortable routine I can see changes as well.  I think we can that once we spend more time together it happens.  I think it is important for couples to find their own separate interests and routines.
> Some people have the notion that in order to have a happy, successful marriage, a couple must spend ALL their time together, and share ALL the same interests.  Not realistic.   what comes to mind is when I was planning a lunch date with two HS friends, who I had not seen in a while.  One was great with the plans, the other had to "check when her husband was available" as they always did everything together.  She would not even consider the notion of doing something with out him.  She will be lost when he passes. And devistated.
> and Feelings of love change...not go away, just change.*


Thank you for this perspective. 
I am all for other interests and pursuits .......just expect respect and basic interest in the other person.


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## Gaer (Dec 8, 2021)

@Jeni, If you are only in your 50's, all options are open to you!  Picture yourself five years from now!  
What do you want to happen in your life?  I don't advocate breaking up marriages but you are so young,
and there are so many possibilities!  
When I was your age, I drove to Alaska by myself and camped out for a year!  .(where I met a big handsome hunk!)
(my late husband)  
On the other hand, maybe a good marriage therapist will bring him around.  
Don't make any decisions based on fear.   Wish I could be of more help to you.


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## Grampa Don (Dec 8, 2021)

My daughter-in-law's parents were constantly fighting.  You'd think they hated each other.  Why they didn't divorce, I don't know.  Then, she died of cancer.  He was distraught, a lost soul for a long time.  Was it guilt, or was there really some love there?

We are not the same people we were when we were young.  We have some memories of that person, but we aren't him or her.  Even most of the cells in our bodies have been replaced.  It's a wonder if love can persist at all.

My wife and I have been married 60 years this last September.  We still love each other, but it's a different kind of love.  We kiss each evening and hug occasionally, but never cuddle.  It's more of a sister brother feeling.  We look after each other.  Sure, we've had bad moments.  But we've always worked things out.  It must be tough to live with somebody you really don't like.


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## Jeni (Dec 8, 2021)

Grampa Don said:


> My daughter-in-law's parents were constantly fighting.  You'd think they hated each other.  Why they didn't divorce, I don't know.  Then, she died of cancer.  He was distraught, a lost soul for a long time.  Was it guilt, or was there really some love there?
> 
> We are not the same people we were when we were young.  We have some memories of that person, but we aren't him or her.  Even most of the cells in our bodies have been replaced.  It's a wonder if love can persist at all.
> 
> My wife and I have been married 60 years this last September.  We still love each other, but it's a different kind of love.  We kiss each evening and hug occasionally, but never cuddle.  It's more of a sister brother feeling.  We look after each other.  Sure, we've had bad moments.  But we've always worked things out.  It must be tough to live with somebody you really don't like.


Thank you for this .. 
Yes we all seem to know someone who seems like you described with your daughter in laws parents...... My guess is guilt over love but who knows. I know my spouse will have no one if i leave or pass  as the kids only tolerate him for ME.

My husband often says things like he is just not good at expressing himself or blames his inability to effectively communicate on a bad childhood.......  like seriously you are playing that card after 37 years give me a break. 
I gave him space to work out whatever issue if it was depression or something but one can only tolerate so much


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## Packerjohn (Dec 8, 2021)

Being a widower I may not know much but I sure can remember waking up with the woman I loved and looking across the pillow at her.  Sure made my day and it sure made my life worth while.  Yes, I miss those wonderful days!


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## Colleen (Dec 8, 2021)

Gaer said:


> @Jeni, If you are only in your 50's, all options are open to you!  Picture yourself five years from now!
> What do you want to happen in your life?  I don't advocate breaking up marriages but you are so young,
> and there are so many possibilities!
> When I was your age, I drove to Alaska by myself and camped out for a year!  .(where I met a big handsome hunk!)
> ...


I totally agree. She is young and when I was her age, I was very independent and didn't think anything about getting in my car and driving from PA, where I lived, to MI to see my parents. I did a lot of things by myself and just got through some scary situations that I think back on now and wonder how I survived, but I always had the courage to get out of a bad relationship...even one where he put a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me.

If she truly is unhappy, I'd tell her to stop wasting time and make a life for herself. Don't keep making excuses because she's afraid. Don't "settle".


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## Verisure (Dec 8, 2021)

Colleen said:


> ....... The intimacy is long gone ......


You're not the first one on this thread to say that. I have to tell you that seeing others in the same situation gives me a lot of comfort. I mean, that I'm not alone and others can cope with it. I should probably take heed and stop being so childish thinking that romance lasts forever. Who am I to be so lucky while *everyone* else just accepts the inevitable with grace?


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## Jeni (Dec 8, 2021)

Colleen said:


> I totally agree. She is young and when I was her age, I was very independent and didn't think anything about getting in my car and driving from PA, where I lived, to MI to see my parents. I did a lot of things by myself and just got through some scary situations that I think back on now and wonder how I survived, but I always had the courage to get out of a bad relationship...even one where he put a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me.
> 
> If she truly is unhappy, I'd tell her to stop wasting time and make a life for herself. Don't keep making excuses because she's afraid. Don't "settle".


it is not about being *afraid* ... it is about more a bigger picture type thing.  i have done plenty on my own and do NOT need a him for things. 
Just was asking people about their perspective as some have been  very helpful in stating their relationships .....have changed and while not all are ideal they carry on... 
I have seen  too many jump into what they feel at the moment ......sometimes without clear reflection.
 i was just amazed i guess that the situation of relationships changing is not as rare.... as i guess i had assumed.  Call me naive but i felt why am I having trouble making things last but perhaps it is just the nature of the beast. 

Could list many an occasion that i watched folks think the grass was greener on the other side only to find out it was not......and the fallout often included others. Friends and family frayed because they decided to pick sides or whatever.  

I went through a dark time in a deep depression and he could have left ........but stuck with me through a tough time ... It is NOT an abusive situation just we no longer seem to connect. 

i guess i feel that perhaps this funk or situation that has really only shown up withing the last couple of years is not some struggle he is having. Also with his latest health scare makes me look like a jerk for not supporting him until this is either better or we know where this will land.

Frustrated.... yes 
Afraid ....NO


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## dseag2 (Dec 8, 2021)

My partner and I have been together for 30 years.  Yes, the intimacy was important in the beginning, but now it is the intellectual engagement that matters.  We have some similar interests that we enjoy together and some individual interests that we enjoy separately.  The acknowledgment of our independence and the need to spend time alone has kept us together.  Yes, we have had our rough patches, but we have decided we are destined to be together.  We do laugh a lot, and that helps!


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## Jeni (Dec 8, 2021)

dseag2 said:


> My partner and I have been together for 30 years.  Yes, the intimacy was important in the beginning, but now it is the intellectual engagement that matters.  We have some similar interests that we enjoy together and some individual interests that we enjoy separately.  The acknowledgment of our independence and the need to spend time alone has kept us together.  Yes, we have had our rough patches, but we have decided we are destined to be together.  We do laugh a lot, and that helps!


We used to laugh a lot .... occasionally still do but it rare anymore.  i used to think that our own pursuits and interests and things would be enough........ but being alone in a room while they sit 15 feet away is getting really OLD quickly. 
 i guess i was expecting much more at this point ..... he tells me how much he loves me daily ..................but at some point i would think he could show it instead of just saying it. 
If he truly feels that way perhaps he could see how his actions speak differently


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## dseag2 (Dec 8, 2021)

Let me share this story...

I sometimes resented my partner because I worked hard into my 60's and he "retired" at 50.  I was the one who kept the household going by working my butt off.  He did manage our household, meeting with repairmen and contractors, while I traveled.  In June 2020, when I lost my job due to Covid he went back to work so we could have reasonable health insurance. He has been working since August 2020, and I now manage the household responsibilities.  One never knows what the other person is capable of.

Sit down with him and have a candid conversation about what he is willing to contribute.  If he is unwilling to commit, if he only tells you he loves you and doesn't demonstrate it in daily life, move on.


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## Verisure (Dec 8, 2021)

Jeni said:


> ..... Call me naive but i felt why am I having trouble making things last but *perhaps it is just the nature of the beast*........


Yes, I think perhaps it is just that.


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## Verisure (Dec 8, 2021)

Jeni said:


> ..... he tells me how much he loves me daily ..................but at some point i would think he could show it instead of just saying it.
> *If he truly feels that way perhaps he could see how his actions speak differently*


Have you ever wanted something but were afraid to ask because you are afraid of rejection or because you feel unworthy of it?


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## Jeni (Dec 8, 2021)

Verisure said:


> Have you ever wanted something but were afraid to ask because you are afraid of rejection or because you feel unworthy of it?


i have been  very vocal ..................I have pointed out the inconsistency in his words vs action.  he is older then me and seems to think i am being too hard on him 

 He knows he needs to do things but refuses to help himself.  reminds me of "leading a horse to water but can't make him drink"

His hearing is damaged due to 30 years of working on industrial machines ... will he go get hearing aids...... nope.  
Instead he answers people with nonsensical answers because he CANT hear them. Grand kids think he is a riot cause he makes no sense and they are 6 yr old and younger.

He had open heart surgery as a child in the 60s (very experimental ) and now seems surprised he is having heart issues... seriously i am shocked it had not come up before.  
Need to lose weight but then cleans out his vehicle and throws fast food wrappers out in our bin ... like be smarter and throw that away at a fuel station or something not making it clear to me what you are doing to sabotage our healthy eating at home. 

This last year was a lot about me taking charge after my position was eliminated where  i was working............. i took on home projects and planned a vacation last summer with our daughters family.  Yet he took credit for my work in front of daughter and son in law. 
He said he always wanted to do a big family vacation but we never managed i told him these require planning and prep and he is last minute dude who seems perplexed that no one can make it......... I also started an exercise routine and lost weight and shaped up.... he seems threatened in a way about those things


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## Verisure (Dec 9, 2021)

Jeni said:


> i have been  very vocal ..................I have pointed out the inconsistency in his words vs action.  he is older then me and seems to think i am being too hard on him
> 
> He knows he needs to do things but refuses to help himself.  reminds me of "leading a horse to water but can't make him drink"
> 
> ...


Was thinking about *him* being "... afraid of rejection or feeling unworthy." I'm not making any judgment or conclusions or anything like that but you seem to be rather angry. Making decisions under duress is difficult and not the best thing. You need a break but maybe talking about it here and now is the break you need. What do you think?


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## Jeni (Dec 9, 2021)

Verisure said:


> Was thinking about *him* being "... afraid of rejection or feeling unworthy." I'm not making any judgment or conclusions or anything like that but you seem to be rather angry. Making decisions under duress is difficult and not the best thing. You need a break but maybe talking about it here and now is the break you need. What do you think?


I think you may have hit the nail on the head.


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## Lewkat (Dec 9, 2021)

Long term relationships can be tricky indeed.  First, we have to acknowledge that the first fires of passion will eventually die out and be replaced with expectancy.  We have to work hard to make a relationship into something we can both adapt to and live with.  Friendship with your partner is first and foremost the number one necessity in reaching a mutual arrangement to continue in the relationship.  Be honest with one another and state what each expects of the other.  Be kind and understanding if your partner has a hard time articulating what he/she wants or needs.  If these elements are not present, don't bother.  Get the passion behind you and just move on.  But, if it seems doable or suitable, then ride the rough roads when you come to them with patience and dignity.  Once respect for on another goes out the window, it is done.


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## Jeni (Dec 9, 2021)

Lewkat said:


> Long term relationships can be tricky indeed.  First, we have to acknowledge that the first fires of passion will eventually die out and be replaced with expectancy.  We have to work hard to make a relationship into something we can both adapt to and live with.  Friendship with your partner is first and foremost the number one necessity in reaching a mutual arrangement to continue in the relationship.  Be honest with one another and state what each expects of the other.  Be kind and understanding if your partner has a hard time articulating what he/she wants or needs.  If these elements are not present, don't bother.  Get the passion behind you and just move on.  But, if it seems doable or suitable, then ride the rough roads when you come to them with patience and dignity.  Once respect for on another goes out the window, it is done.


appreciate all insight . 
this is not a passion or intimacy thing... that ship has sailed 
it is closer to lack of respect which as you stated may be DONE


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## Sachet (Dec 9, 2021)

Jeni said:


> appreciate all insight .
> this is not a passion or intimacy thing... that ship has sailed
> it is closer to lack of respect which as you stated may be DONE


In order to garner respect, one must be respectable.


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## Grampa Don (Dec 9, 2021)

I'm starting to get the feeling that your husband is not solely at fault.  I also have a severe hearing loss.  But, I also have chronically itchy ears that several doctors have not been able to do much about.  So, my hearing aids are uncomfortable and I only wear them when I go out.  Is my wife happy about this?  Heck no.  But, she has learned that unless she speaks clearly and directly to me I won't understand her.

She has some traits that I'm not crazy about.  But, they aren't worth making a fuss about.  A happy marriage requires some compromises.  Maybe there's a reason he concentrates on his games.

You are probably stressed from losing your job.  That's understandable.  I hope you can work things out.  I wish you both the best.


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## Knight (Dec 9, 2021)

Being together soon to be our 60th. anniversary I can't relate to growing apart. Retired 26 years ago we've been together 24/7. The only way to explain why we aren't growing apart, I was told a story just before getting married. Being young & dumb I didn't understand the concept. So it was explained to me.  

Two mules a male & female both with equal physical strength were tied together facing opposite directions. Each had a bale of hay in front of them. They could each try to pull against the other to eat. But they turned to be side by side so they could both eat without struggling.

The explanation made sense. Since day 1, we've worked together to have the best life possible. Hasn't been all roses but we managed to get thru the rough times every time. No secret formula or words of wisdom to share about how we managed thru years, we just did.


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## Gaer (Dec 9, 2021)

This is your life!  It whizzes by FAST!  It's not a dress rehearsal.
Are you in love with him?
ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH HIM?
If you want to stay with him, do it ALL THE WAY!  Love him unconditionally!  FEEL THIS LOVE FOR HIM!
Love every single thing about him!  Don't complain!  Don't criticize!  Love his body as it is!  Smile at the ways of him!
Hold him. Kiss him.  Make love to him.  Desire with all your heart to be with him.  Show him this and he will respond.
You can't change him. Consciously look for anything or everything you can love about him and tell him!
If you absolutely can't see yourself staying with him, first try to consult a professional.  If it's not repairable,
send him down the road talking to himself.  You are young and still have half your life to live, not just exist, LIVE!


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## Jeni (Dec 9, 2021)

Grampa Don said:


> I'm starting to get the feeling that your husband is not solely at fault.  I also have a severe hearing loss.  But, I also have chronically itchy ears that several doctors have not been able to do much about.  So, my hearing aids are uncomfortable and I only wear them when I go out.  Is my wife happy about this?  Heck no.  But, she has learned that unless she speaks clearly and directly to me I won't understand her.
> 
> She has some traits that I'm not crazy about.  But, they aren't worth making a fuss about.  A happy marriage requires some compromises.  Maybe there's a reason he concentrates on his games.
> 
> You are probably stressed from losing your job.  That's understandable.  I hope you can work things out.  I wish you both the best.


thank you for the reminder i am sure many things he finds about me too.   
My job was temporary anyway........... i mostly do temp work so not a major stress 

Hearing loss is difficult but nothing to be left alone.
 Some people have more success then others and from your post you *went *to Doctors and *Tried *so if that did not work adapting is the option.  

He has *NEVER *even tried to be seen - 
*failed* the hearing test at work and seemed amused by that... his only attempt was buying  cheap amplifiers off amazon they made everything super loud and he now says that is what hearing aids would be like...........
.i tried to show him what he is missing out on in conversations with others
it is to the point we cannot order from restaurants ... a waitress was waiting for him to pick a salad dressing and when we repeated what do you want on salad he thought we said burger he declared *Mustard...* i just picked for him ....but maybe I could have let her put mustard on his salad. 

Grand kids send videos........ i have to tell him what they say in video  he simply can not hear them.  The funny is not there for him when he cannot hear the little voices say silly things.  
He hides in his game because he does not have to talk about anything.


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## Jeni (Dec 9, 2021)

Gaer said:


> This is your life!  It whizzes by FAST!  It's not a dress rehearsal.
> Are you in love with him?
> ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH HIM?
> If you want to stay with him, do it ALL THE WAY!  Love him unconditionally!  FEEL THIS LOVE FOR HIM!
> ...


you are very wise.
Honestly,  when I look at him, it always seems to be like that old sci-fi  or sitcom plot of an alien taking over someones body....
I always hated that plot in TV or movies often thinking ...THE people WOULD know something is wrong or off.  

He is simply NOT the same person he was ...........I don't  even know this person.


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## Gaer (Dec 9, 2021)

Jeni said:


> thank you for the reminder i am sure many things he finds about me too.
> My job was temporary anyway........... i mostly do temp work so not a major stress
> 
> Hearing loss is difficult but nothing to be left alone.
> ...


Jeni, You have just explained the problem.  He seems like a good guy!  IF YOU LOVE HIM,  get him to a good ear specialist.  he's embarrassed about his hearing loss, seems to me.  Men  should never feel embarrassed.
Hang the cost.  Get him comfortable, invisible hearing aids. 
Just treasure him and love him unconditionally!  Just love him, faults and all!
You fell in love with him once.  He can be that man again.  If he isn't, love him the way he is!
Don't feel sorry for yourself and your frustrations.  Think how he must feel.  After he can hear again, he may be a new man!
This is just my opinion.  One day you will look for him, and he won't be there.  Love is so important!


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## Grampa Don (Dec 9, 2021)

Jeni  --  I don't know why your husband doesn't want to try hearing aids.  I would love to be able to understand people better.  Even when wearing them my family sometimes has to answer for me when we go out to eat.  They are expensive.  Mine were $5000 years ago.

When you say you don't know him, that's scary.  I worked with a fellow who was about to divorce his wife because she had changed so much.  Then they discovered she was in the first stages of Alzheimer's.  Could this be possible?


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## horseless carriage (Dec 9, 2021)

We have been married for fifty three years and the reason we are still so much in love is because:
We practice forgiveness. Resentment, anger and blame are normal reactions when your loved one does something hurtful. 
Be realistic. Every long-term relationship will have its share of disappointments. 
Develop rituals. 
Listen actively. 
Be honest. 
Fight fair. 
Always go to bed as friends.
Fidelity, be faithful to each other and temptation will not get a chance.
Throughout the highs and lows of life we have been there to support each other and although it may sound cheesy, we never forget to say: "I love you."


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## mellowyellow (Dec 9, 2021)

Such a good post Jeni, and I wonder how many people are in this exact same position. We know what the outcome of divorce is – you end up living in more modest accommodation with considerably less money in the bank so it’s a great incentive to stay together.  So hang in there.


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## mellowyellow (Dec 9, 2021)

Jeni said:


> I have thought about that situation myself.
> I have had friends that told me they fell in love online never met the person in real life ....
> i thought that was different.
> People warn of scams and people looking to deceive someone.....
> ...


Probably.


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## Shero (Dec 9, 2021)

Growing apart does not happen overnight. I can't imagine living in a home resenting my partner. I am a great believer in doing all you can to save a marriage, but, a person has to do what is right for them.
If the marriage is no longer loving, then it is time to rethink the living conditions. Just my opinion.


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## Jeni (Dec 9, 2021)

Grampa Don said:


> Jeni  --  I don't know why your husband doesn't want to try hearing aids.  I would love to be able to understand people better.  Even when wearing them my family sometimes has to answer for me when we go out to eat.  They are expensive.  Mine were $5000 years ago.
> 
> When you say you don't know him, that's scary.  I worked with a fellow who was about to divorce his wife because she had changed so much.  Then they discovered she was in the first stages of Alzheimer's.  Could this be possible?


I have seriously considered this lately .... when i try to explain to others how he behaves they seem baffled as it seems so odd.  I have true fears of this being the case.  if it is early onset how many years will i be a nurse and the fact that scares me makes me feel bad i am not ready to do that.

When i was a teenager I  watched a couple ( family friends) as she slipped away and was a shell of a person .. 
the husband insisted he would take care of her seemingly overnight he aged so badly  and what should have been a display of LOVE became a nightmare to all of us that witnessed this.  Both passed quickly but it was ugly to see how that happened.


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## peppermint (Dec 9, 2021)

My husband and Me are still married...We met in High School....We married at twenty years old....
A Son and a daughter....Both are married with 2 kids each.... We are still living the life....My Husband
worked in New York City for many years I worked in a school.......
We now have 2 homes.....in different places....when ever we go we go......
We are old, but we are still going strong....We both are in our Seventies....
God Willing......


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## mellowyellow (Dec 9, 2021)

I think partners who decide to take care of their spouse when they get dementia are fighting a losing battle.  Nobody should be expected to care 24/7 someone who is likely to bolt or become violent, depending on their temperament. The best outcome is for them to go into full-time care. My hubby of 55 years and I have promised to do this for each other if it happens. Anthony Hopkins’ new movie _The Father_ gives a convincing performance as he wrestles with his daughter over his tragic confused mind.


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## Grampa Don (Dec 9, 2021)

I think Mellowyellow is right.  Our next door neighbor had Alzheimer's and we saw what his wife went through.  It's tough.  One day he wandered off and the cops brought him home.  He had tried to enter a house on the next block.  But, hopefully that's not your husband's problem.


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## Sassycakes (Dec 9, 2021)

peppermint said:


> My husband and Me are still married...We met in High School....We married at twenty years old....
> A Son and a daughter....Both are married with 2 kids each.... We are still living the life....My Husband
> worked in New York City for many years I worked in a school.......
> We now have 2 homes.....in different places....when ever we go we go......
> ...


Your life seems a lot like mine.Hubby and I met in H.S married when we were 20yrs old. We also have 2 children and We have 3 grandchildren. I love him soo much and I pray that I will never have to spend one day without him.


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## Verisure (Dec 9, 2021)

Gaer said:


> Jeni, You have just explained the problem.  He seems like a good guy!  IF YOU LOVE HIM,  get him to a good ear specialist.  he's embarrassed about his hearing loss, seems to me.  Men  should never feel embarrassed.
> Hang the cost.  Get him comfortable, invisible hearing aids.
> Just treasure him and love him unconditionally!  Just love him, faults and all!
> You fell in love with him once.  He can be that man again.  If he isn't, love him the way he is!
> ...


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## Verisure (Dec 10, 2021)

*Silver Lining?*
Regarding the general thread/theme of *"lost intimacy"* and what I wrote about it myself in post #5.

I spent 11 hours at the emergency reception at the hospital yesterday with a wretched knee, x-rays, morphine, and more grief. I wrote about it in another thread. The silver lining is that my wife was an enormous help and comfort and before I went to bed last night I got a most wonderful smile and embrace that I haven't experienced in a very, very long time. It is no surprise that people (children in particular) fake illness or injury just to get some that good stuff from mum & dad.


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