# Why get remarried?



## debbie in seattle (Mar 21, 2019)

Being a newish widow, a question....why get remarried?   Was married for 45+ years, an ok marriage, am able to live comfortably with the money I have, so why remarry again, why not just live together?    I’m truly curious.  I get the companionship, etc etc, but cant you just live together and achieve all the same goals without the paperwork?   One statement my money manager told me was that if I ever choose to get married again, keep our monies seperate esp if my partner had children.


----------



## ClassicRockr (Mar 21, 2019)

Due to a husband or wife's death, either has to wait so many years to remarry, in order to get their deceased spouses SS. My wife found this out two years ago when she applied for her Full SS and talked to SS Admin about her late husbands SS. When she told them the date we married, they told her she couldn't get his SS, because she had to stay unmarried for a certain amount of years after his death. 

But, in answer to your question, "living together", even though wife and I did it for a year before we married, isn't accepted in the Christian faith. Fortunately, my wife's family accepted us living together, but my wife was wearing an engagement ring during the entire year. So, to them, we weren't simply "living together". 
There are Christian men out there, even at our age, that will refuse to "live together". There are those that won't "live together" or get married.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Mar 21, 2019)

We've been married 42+ years, and if something happened to my husband I would not remarry.  I don't think I'd be interested in another romantic relationship, but if I was I don't even think I'd want to live with someone, would just want to meet for outings or 'dates'.  Can't say that for sure though, have to really experience loss and being alone to make that decision.  But, I see no real reason to officially remarry.


----------



## toffee (Mar 21, 2019)

i do so agree with you --why i ask myself --no need as you said ' yes it can become a real problem in families soon 
as you sign the paper , keep your new life easy without the ugly word ££££££££ or $$$$$$$$$$ to interrupt or upset the flow of 2 people having a good relationship ' 
I would never marry again if I become a widow; but not to say I would live alone ---sounds like your new friend wants to marry or you would not have asked !
stick to what u believe .


----------



## Falcon (Mar 21, 2019)

Marriage  is just a lot of  paper work.  If  ya want  to  share  living  quarters  with somebody  then  DO IT !!!  It's nobody's
freakin'  bizzness!


----------



## Aunt Bea (Mar 21, 2019)

I wouldn't get married or live with anyone at this point in my life.

It would be nice to have a sort of committed companion to travel with or socialize with but not someone that I need to clean up after.layful:nthego:


----------



## JustBonee (Mar 21, 2019)

ClassicRockr said:


> Due to a husband or wife's death, either has to wait so many years to remarry, in order to get their deceased spouses SS. My wife found this out two years ago when she applied for her Full SS and talked to SS Admin about her late husbands SS. When she told them the date we married, they told her she couldn't get his SS, because she had to stay unmarried for a certain amount of years after his death.
> 
> .



At full retirement age,  a spouse can collect her deceased husband's full SS benefits immediately.   You have the choice of keeping your own benefits or switching over.  There is no waiting period in that situation.


----------



## jujube (Mar 21, 2019)

Bonnie said:


> At full retirement age,  a spouse can collect her deceased husband's full SS benefits immediately.   You have the choice of keeping your own benefits or switching over.  There is no waiting period in that situation.



If the surviving spouse remarries before the age of 60 (50, if disabled), he/she cannot claim the dead spouse's SS benefits.  

I know of a couple of widows who didn't remarry until after 60 because of that stipulation.  One of my friends got married the day after her 60th birthday.


----------



## jujube (Mar 21, 2019)

The Spousal Equivalent and I aren't married and won't be.  No need for it.  We have forms to allow each other to make medical and financial decisions.  What more do we need?

I like my last name.  We have no children to legitimize.  I don't want his house. He's not interested in my bank accounts.  We've been together for 9+ years and it's been working just fine.


----------



## RadishRose (Mar 21, 2019)

Without planning to have children, I don't see any reason. However, I understand some people feel very good about the romance aspect and want to share their happiness about finding each other with a celebration of some sort.


----------



## norman (Mar 21, 2019)

Falcon said:


> Marriage  is just a lot of  paper work.  If  ya want  to  share  living  quarters  with somebody  then  DO IT !!!  It's nobody's
> freakin'  bizzness!



hell yes..:drinking:  i'll drink to that.


----------



## twinkles (Mar 21, 2019)

i was married the first time for 21 years---met the second man and lived together for 6 years we got married and the marriage only lasted 6 years--i think it is better just to live with them


----------



## ClassicRockr (Mar 21, 2019)

Falcon said:


> Marriage  is just a lot of  paper work.  If  ya want  to  share  living  quarters  with somebody  then  DO IT !!!  It's nobody's
> freakin'  bizzness!



Sorry, but it is the family's business, especially if the family is a Christian family and definitely don't believe in living together. Actually, anyone has to respect both sides of the issue...…..the ones that don't like it and wouldn't think of doing it and those that plainly don't care and do it.


----------



## ClassicRockr (Mar 21, 2019)

Bonnie said:


> At full retirement age,  a spouse can collect her deceased husband's full SS benefits immediately.   You have the choice of keeping your own benefits or switching over.  There is no waiting period in that situation.



Read what jujube wrote. This is what the SS told my wife.​


----------



## fmdog44 (Mar 21, 2019)

This may apply here: "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."


----------



## ClassicRockr (Mar 21, 2019)

I totally believe in marriage, but if something did happen, I would never marry again or live with someone. Be a roommate possibly, but have my own room. Sounds weird don't it??? LOL


----------



## Ruth n Jersey (Mar 21, 2019)

If my hubby passed away I feel the same as Aunt Bea. 





Aunt Bea said:


> I wouldn't get married or live with anyone at this point in my life.
> 
> It would be nice to have a sort of committed companion to travel with or socialize with but not someone that I need to clean up after.layful:nthego:


----------



## Keesha (Mar 21, 2019)

I currently live common law so have never officially been married and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my husband. 
I’d have to play it by ear. I’m not opposed to company of the opposite sex but like the others have mentioned, he would need to be self contained. I’m not cleaning up after anyone else again.nthego:


----------



## AZ Jim (Mar 21, 2019)

debbie in seattle said:


> Being a newish widow, a question....why get remarried?   Was married for 45+ years, an ok marriage, am able to live comfortably with the money I have, so why remarry again, why not just live together?    I’m truly curious.  I get the companionship, etc etc, but cant you just live together and achieve all the same goals without the paperwork?   One statement my money manager told me was that if I ever choose to get married again, keep our monies seperate esp if my partner had children.


I feel as you do.  Sometimes for we seniors the best thing is money security. Two friends can better each others lot in life assuming they like one another.  Two "paychecks" beat one...trust me, I know...


----------



## Seeker (Mar 21, 2019)

SeaBreeze said:


> We've been married 42+ years, and if something happened to my husband I would not remarry.  I don't think I'd be interested in another romantic relationship, but if I was I don't even think I'd want to live with someone, would just want to meet for outings or 'dates'.  Can't say that for sure though, have to really experience loss and being alone to make that decision.  But, I see no real reason to officially remarry.




Same..be 43 years in June...

I would not remarry. I would however have to hire a "handy man"...nthego:


----------



## debbie in seattle (Mar 21, 2019)

Thanks all!    I do not have a special person in my life currently, but would like one for companionship, etc etc. it is lonely at times, awfully quiet around here, you get the jist.    The one thing for certain I’ve learned from what I have gone through, never know what’s around the next bend in life.    All the friends/folks who claim what they would and wouldn’t do, my siblings, friends, etc., don’t have a clue until they’re in the middle of such loss, heartbreak and an entirely new life unwillingly thrown into.


----------



## retiredtraveler (Mar 21, 2019)

You don't need to get married. And yes, you want to make sure you keep your finances separate. Keep in mind that the courts do not handle property disputes for couples that are not married. So, if you really wanted to protect yourself, you and your partner would have to do the dirty, unromantic, 'paperwork' (signed agreements) that state who owns what property, assuming you're both bringing property in to share. If you start sharing expensive furniture, a car, or home/condo etc., it has to be clear who owns what, and signed, notarized documentation to follow.
        I personally knew a couple that lived together for awhile, then talked of marriage. As soon as the marriage talk got serious, the man (in this case) talked about a will that would combine the monies that both parties had and include the children getting an inheritance from the combined incomes.
  That ended the relationship. The female had no children, the 'children' of the man were grown (this was an older couple). She was not going to leave money to his children................


----------



## AZ Jim (Mar 21, 2019)

debbie in seattle said:


> Thanks all!    I do not have a special person in my life currently, but would like one for companionship, etc etc. it is lonely at times, awfully quiet around here, you get the jist.    The one thing for certain I’ve learned from what I have gone through, never know what’s around the next bend in life.    All the friends/folks who claim what they would and wouldn’t do, my siblings, friends, etc., don’t have a clue until they’re in the middle of such loss, heartbreak and an entirely new life unwillingly thrown into.


I too am alone and lonely Debbie.  It's hard to carry on alone.


----------



## Falcon (Mar 21, 2019)

Was  it in the movie  "Roots"   where the marriage  ceremony  consisted  of the couple  holding  hands and  together

jumping  over a broom  which  laid on the ground?.  We should simplify  our lives and go back   to those days  (In  many  respects.)

      Ya think ?


----------



## C'est Moi (Mar 21, 2019)

If I were ever left alone, that's how I'd stay.   I don't want to learn another person's quirks at this stage of life.   I'd sell this house and move closer to the kids, but have no interest in another relationship.   That "ship" has sailed.


----------



## C'est Moi (Mar 21, 2019)

ClassicRockr said:


> But, in answer to your question, "living together", even though wife and I did it for a year before we married, isn't accepted in the Christian faith. Fortunately, my wife's family accepted us living together, but my wife was wearing an engagement ring during the entire year. So, to them, we weren't simply "living together".
> There are Christian men out there, even at our age, that will refuse to "live together". There are those that won't "live together" or get married.



Wow, talk about hypocrisy.


----------



## Seeker (Mar 21, 2019)

C'est Moi said:


> If I were ever left alone, that's how I'd stay.   I don't want to learn another person's quirks at this stage of life.   I'd sell this house and move closer to the kids, but have no interest in another relationship.   That "ship" has sailed.




Yep!! I can't even imagine tryin to get into someone else's head..took me years to figure out the one I got.....


----------



## Butterfly (Mar 22, 2019)

I certainly will never marry again.


----------



## Wren (Mar 22, 2019)

Falcon said:


> Was  it in the movie  "Roots"   where the marriage  ceremony  consisted  of the couple  holding  hands and  together
> 
> jumping  over a broom  which  laid on the ground?.  We should simplify  our lives and go back   to those days  (In  many  respects.)
> 
> Ya think ?



Good idea in theory, but  some of us  might find it tricky getting off the ground !


----------



## Ken N Tx (Mar 22, 2019)

"Dear," asked a wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" asked the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife.
After a long pause. "Well, yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!?"
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."


----------



## ClassicRockr (Mar 22, 2019)

Keesha said:


> I currently live common law so have never officially been married and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my husband.
> I’d have to play it by ear. I’m not opposed to company of the opposite sex but like the others have mentioned, he would need to be self contained. I’m not cleaning up after anyone else again.nthego:



My wife doesn't clean up after me, I clean up after her. Yes, she has me well trained! LOL


----------



## ClassicRockr (Mar 22, 2019)

Falcon said:


> Was  it in the movie  "Roots"   where the marriage  ceremony  consisted  of the couple  holding  hands and  together
> 
> jumping  over a broom  which  laid on the ground?.  We should simplify  our lives and go back   to those days  (In  many  respects.)
> 
> Ya think ?



No, that movie was called Jumping the Broom. We have the movie. Angela Bassett is in it. Very, very good movie.


----------



## ClassicRockr (Mar 22, 2019)

C'est Moi said:


> Wow, talk about hypocrisy.



Not at all! Just plain fact and TRUE fact. There are things Christians believe in and things they don't. Nothing wrong with that.


----------



## Keesha (Mar 22, 2019)

ClassicRockr said:


> My wife doesn't clean up after me, I clean up after her. Yes, she has me well trained! LOL


I’ve tried training mine and it doesn’t work. 
Ive tried everything! If once he fully retires this doesn’t change then when we move to downsize I’m getting my own granny suite and no I’m not joking. This is going to sound incredibly cruel but my guy doesn’t clean anything. He’s a complete slob.  He’s a boss where he works and has temps to do everything for him so he doesn’t have to clean up. I’m constantly reminding him that I’m not one of his temps. It gets annoying being somebody’s personal servant all the time. He doesn’t even throw garbage out. He’s got ME to do that for him. La GROWL!!!!!

Ok rant over!!!


----------



## Keesha (Mar 22, 2019)

retiredtraveler said:


> You don't need to get married. And yes, you want to make sure you keep your finances separate. Keep in mind that the courts do not handle property disputes for couples that are not married.


Which is why you make sure your name is on the mortgage :smug1:


----------



## ClassicRockr (Mar 22, 2019)

Keesha said:


> I’ve tried training mine and it doesn’t work.
> Ive tried everything! If once he fully retires this doesn’t change then when we move to downsize I’m getting my own granny suite and no I’m not joking. This is going to sound incredibly cruel but my guy doesn’t clean anything. He’s a complete slob.  He’s a boss where he works and has temps to do everything for him so he doesn’t have to clean up. I’m constantly reminding him that I’m not one of his temps. It gets annoying being somebody’s personal servant all the time. He doesn’t even throw garbage out. He’s got ME to do that for him. La GROWL!!!!!
> 
> 
> ...



Taking garbage out was one thing that really impressed my MIL (wife's mom) that I did and had no problem doing it. Heck, on one Thanksgiving, I carved up the turkey and cleaned up after the meal (washed all dishes by hand and put away left-over food). There were six of us for that dinner. ​


----------



## Keesha (Mar 22, 2019)

ClassicRockr said:


> Taking garbage out was one thing that really impressed my MIL (wife's mom) that I did and had no problem doing it. Heck, on one Thanksgiving, I carved up the turkey and cleaned up after the meal (washed all dishes by hand and put away left-over food). There were six of us for that dinner. ​


You’re a good man Rockr. With a bit of weed in you, you’d be even better. 
Wanna come over and train my man for me? :grin:


----------



## Ronni (Mar 22, 2019)

Keesha said:


> You’re a good man Rockr. With a bit of weed in you, you’d be even better.
> Wanna come over and train my man for me? :grin:



:lol:  Keesha, you are incorrigible!!!!!


----------



## Keesha (Mar 22, 2019)

Ronni said:


> :lol:  Keesha, you are incorrigible!!!!!



I knowwww! :lofl:


----------



## Ronni (Mar 22, 2019)

Keesha said:


> I’ve tried training mine and it doesn’t work.
> Ive tried everything! If once he fully retires this doesn’t change then when we move to downsize I’m getting my own granny suite and no I’m not joking. This is going to sound incredibly cruel but my guy doesn’t clean anything. He’s a complete slob.  He’s a boss where he works and has temps to do everything for him so he doesn’t have to clean up. I’m constantly reminding him that I’m not one of his temps. It gets annoying being somebody’s personal servant all the time. He doesn’t even throw garbage out. He’s got ME to do that for him. La GROWL!!!!!
> 
> Ok rant over!!!



This was my ex.    He was so awful.  Admittedly, I'm really anal about things being clean and tidy and organized, but even so, he was over the top bad.  Even the kids complained...and that's back when they were teens and were prone to being slobs themselves!  We weren't allowed to complain to him, or within his hearing of course, but we sure bitched amongst ourselves.  

I've found a gem in Ron, that's for sure.  He is as fastidious as I am about cleaning up and keeping things tidy.  And it's not just for show, for me.  It's just the way he is.  Just one more thing I love about the man!


----------



## Ronni (Mar 22, 2019)

Keesha said:


> I knowwww! :lofl:



Just one of the many things I love about you, girlfriend! :love_heart:


----------



## AprilSun (Mar 22, 2019)

Aunt Bea said:


> I wouldn't get married or live with anyone at this point in my life.
> 
> It would be nice to have a sort of committed companion to travel with or socialize with but not someone that I need to clean up after.layful:nthego:



We think alike because this is exactly what I thought of when I read the original post.


----------



## norman (Mar 22, 2019)

Don't ask me, every decisions about fnding happiness with companionship after my divorse has not been good.  My thinking has always been, what the heck, give it a shot, shot myself in the foot every time.  Until I met sweetie some 30 plus years ago..  We are not married, but are inseparable until death when we will depart physically, but never spiritally.  Falcon, we did jump over a broom,  so far so good.  :love_heart:


----------



## Keesha (Mar 22, 2019)

Ronni said:


> Just one of the many things I love about you, girlfriend! :love_heart:



Awwww thank you! :hug: 
A cyber one of course :laugh:


----------



## Keesha (Mar 22, 2019)

Aunt Bea said:


> I wouldn't get married or live with anyone at this point in my life.
> 
> It would be nice to have a sort of committed companion to travel with or socialize with but not someone that I need to clean up after.layful:nthego:





Ronni said:


> This was my ex.    He was so awful.  Admittedly, I'm really anal about things being clean and tidy and organized, but even so, he was over the top bad.  Even the kids complained...and that's back when they were teens and were prone to being slobs themselves!  We weren't allowed to complain to him, or within his hearing of course, but we sure bitched amongst ourselves.
> 
> I've found a gem in Ron, that's for sure.  He is as fastidious as I am about cleaning up and keeping things tidy.  And it's not just for show, for me.  It's just the way he is.  Just one more thing I love about the man!





AprilSun said:


> We think alike because this is exactly what I thought of when I read the original post.



And clearly I’m not on my own here. It’s seems fairly common.
It might not seem to have mattered  as much when I was younger but when I get older there is no way that I’m going to be doing all the housework while he goes fishing or whatever he’ll find to occupy himself. 
Thats just not going to happen. 
 Or there might be an ex here also


----------



## C'est Moi (Mar 22, 2019)

ClassicRockr said:


> Not at all! Just plain fact and TRUE fact. There are things Christians believe in and things they don't. Nothing wrong with that.



The "problem" is that you spout your Christian values but obviously don't live them.   Hypocrisy.   You want to judge others for doing what you did.


----------



## Keesha (Mar 22, 2019)

ClassicRockr said:


> Sorry, but it is the family's business, especially if the family is a Christian family and definitely don't believe in living together. Actually, anyone has to respect both sides of the issue...…..the ones that don't like it and wouldn't think of doing it and those that plainly don't care and do it.





C'est Moi said:


> Wow, talk about hypocrisy.





ClassicRockr said:


> Not at all! Just plain fact and TRUE fact. There are things Christians believe in and things they don't. Nothing wrong with that.


Thats not what she meant.


----------



## Gary O' (Mar 22, 2019)

Naw, I wouldn’t
It’s not a money or Christian thing

Just can’t

I’ve had the best

It wouldn’t be fair to another lady to try to live with me

No, I’d sell my abode and move to the coast
Build a seaside hut
Find and frequent a cordial watering hole

Heh, maybe become a barkeep…not really

I’d bury myself in writing, some photog
The west coast has some great sun and moon sets

Might date some

But have never minded being alone

it's been preferred from time to time


----------



## OneEyedDiva (Mar 23, 2019)

My husband just passed 3 months ago today. I've always kept my money separate from his because like I use to tease him...he went to the "psycho school of money management".  In fact my mother taught me early in life..."never let a man know what you've got" so the only joint account I have is with my son.  He's completely trustworthy and in case he ever needs to write checks for me, he can do so. 

I will never marry again. Our marriage, a religious one recognized in Islam as valid, wouldn't have lasted for 25 years had it been a "traditional" marriage with him here all the time; in fact it probably wouldn't have lasted a year. One thing scary about traditional (legal) marriages is that in some states, one spouse becomes responsible for the other's debts should that spouse skip out on his/her responsibilities. I've heard and read some real horror stories about that.  Another thing is I think marriage changes people and not necessarily always for the better. I don't even know if I'll ever even date again.  As a Muslim I am not supposed to have sex outside of marriage. I don't know that I'd ever trust anyone else in that regard again anyway.  Still, I may miss the companionship. I'm only 72 and may have another good 25 years to go.

Another thing...it could cause complications for a widow or widower collecting social security survivor benefits and the new spouse. 
https://www.investmentnews.com/arti...ty-benefits-for-remarried-widows-and-widowers


----------



## Keesha (Mar 23, 2019)

You bring up some excellent ones OneEyedDiva.


----------



## RadishRose (Mar 23, 2019)

Someday Diva, you may find a nice companion who feels the same as you do. It's more common than you may think.


----------



## Keesha (Mar 23, 2019)

I agree RaddishRose. My motto is to keep an open heart and never say ‘never’ when it comes to love and / or companionship. 
There might be the perfect gentleman out there who might be open to some gentle companionship from the right women.


----------



## OneEyedDiva (Mar 23, 2019)

Keesha said:


> You bring up some excellent ones OneEyedDiva.





RadishRose said:


> Someday Diva, you may find a nice companion who feels the same as you do. It's more common than you may think.



Thank you Keesha.  Radish Rose....just may...never know. My sister who thought she'd never be bothered again started dating a man, maybe 10 years ago and they've been going strong ever since. Though they take good care of each other like husband and wife, neither wants to marry because each has a home and children....things can get complicated. Plus they like the option of being able to retreat to their own homes should they get tired of each other.


----------



## Keesha (Mar 23, 2019)

OneEyedDiva said:


> Thank you Keesha.  Radish Rose....just may...never know. My sister who thought she'd never be bothered again started dating a man, maybe 10 years ago and they've been going strong ever since. Though they take good care of each other like husband and wife, neither wants to marry because each has a home and children....things can get complicated. Plus they like the option of being able to retreat to their own homes should they get tired of each other.


There’s nothing wrong with that. You do what works for ‘you.’ I know an elderly couple that married ( 2nd marriage for both ) yet each kept their own houses. That’s how they wanted it and they seem happier than the average couple.
You never know. :shrug:
We’ll send Cupid down your way. :hatlaugh:


----------



## Uptosnuff (Mar 23, 2019)

It's been fascinating reading that most of you would not remarry again.  I would have thought it would be closer to 50-50.  I wouldn't marry again, either if something happened to my husband for two reasons:
1.  Financial.  Unlike a lot of other people, my spouse and I have always shared our wages into one account.  Probably because we were so young when we married, and neither of us had anything material at that point.  It has always worked well for us and I think it brought us closer together.  Everything we have is "ours".  We worked our heines off during our working years and now have a nice little nest egg for our retirement.  If something happens to my husband and I'm alone, I'm not sharing my nest egg with some other man.  I would find it difficult to do the mine and your's thing.

2. Identity.  I changed my whole identity when I got married.  I'm not doing that again.  If I were to change my name again, it would be back to my original last name.  Which in reality is my dad's name.  I could get married, I guess, and keep the name I have now.  Bu I think a lot of guys don't like that.


----------



## Snowbound (Mar 23, 2019)

Aside from the fact that my Christian beliefs won't allow me to live with a man without benefit of marriage, I have been living alone for so long (14 years) that I'm not sure I could live with someone else without going completely insane.


----------



## Ruthanne (Mar 31, 2019)

Good topic and replies.  I live alone but so enjoy the companionship of my pets, if I met someone I'd wonder how they would treat my pets.  Had a friend who was nasty to one of my birds and gave him the boot.  So many things to consider about living together or marrying.


----------



## debbie in seattle (Mar 31, 2019)

Thanks Ruth.    Realizing it’s harder than I thought moving on, just for companionship.    Hell, I can’t even pick out a pet right now.


----------



## DGM (Apr 1, 2019)

I have not read the entire thread.  This may have been previously posted but we have a single friend who swears that men of our age are either looking for a "purse or a nurse".  She IS one funny lady.


----------



## Catlady (Apr 1, 2019)

Aunt Bea said:


> I wouldn't get married or live with anyone at this point in my life.  It would be nice to have a sort of committed companion to travel with or socialize with but not someone that I need to clean up after.layful:nthego:



Aunt Bea, you and I agree so much that we could be twin sisters!  Every time I read one of your responses I find myself nodding.  I would never remarry (been divorced 52 years) and would never live together at my age, I like my privacy and my freedom way too much. 

Debby, if you like being married and you find the right guy, then marry but DO keep your money separate in your name only.  It's different when you first get married and neither of you has much wealth, but later in life separate accounts is the way to go.  On the other hand, once you've had children and no longer want more, WHY bother getting married?  Living ''in sin'' no longer has the stigma it once had and as long as you're okay with it the hell with what others think.  Remember, getting married is fast and easy, getting divorced can be a nightmare if you find out you've made a mistake.


----------



## debbie in seattle (Apr 2, 2019)

PVC-    I’ve realized it’s not marriage I like, it’s companionship, period.   I’ll never share the money I have, actually my financial advisor suggested that to me.  I’d never thought about all that.   It’s going to be hard finding someone, I think.   Whatever.    Life goes on, I’m healthy and somewhat happy so it is what it is.   Some day, when I least expect it.....


----------



## fmdog44 (Apr 2, 2019)

Marriage to me is for people looking to_ build_ a life. After so many years life is basically set, we know what we have learned and that is our tool to move on through our days and their demands. The idea "we love each other so lets get married" denotes love and marriage go together (like a horse and carriage). Rules for living in our youth cannot apply to rules for later in life as hopefully we have learned how to navigate. How many times have we heard "I thought I could change him/her" when asked why young people's marriage failed?  My dad married late in his life and for the life of me I'll never know why unless he or she demanded it. He never said he loved her rather, "she is a good wife." Not exactly a romantic compliment. I have a great female friend but we would never consider marriage. Why insert a change when their is no need of change?


----------



## Floridatennisplayer (Apr 2, 2019)

You are a smart lady Debbie. At this point in our lives you should never share your money!  Enjoy great companionship without complications.


----------



## Nozzle36 (Apr 2, 2019)

I'm coming to this forum late, but I feel as many here do. I would never again marry for a number of reasons - especially as I live in a community property state. I had poor luck in marriage - mainly because I made poor choices for mates. I did some dating after my divorce with the usual results. At that point I decided I couldn't trust my judgment in that area - and swore off the whole thing - and I have been completely happy - even took back my maiden name.


----------



## Bridget Truesdale (May 10, 2019)

I could not agree more!!  Don't mess up what you have by entering into a legal arrangement.  There's nothing wrong with remaining solo.  It's actually pretty darned awesome


----------



## Babs (May 10, 2019)

I was divorced 50 years ago once I had my daughter and my ex husband decided he was not able to handle being a father. I decided never to remarry because I lost all faith in it to be honest. I dated and even had some longer term relationships along the way from that point, but decided never to get married again.


----------



## Leann (May 11, 2019)

I've been divorced for 10 years and since then I've had a few relationships, all of which included some consideration of marriage. I decided against it and I don't have any regrets.


----------



## AZ Jim (May 11, 2019)

Nozzle36 said:


> I'm coming to this forum late, but I feel as many here do. I would never again marry for a number of reasons - especially as I live in a community property state. I had poor luck in marriage - mainly because I made poor choices for mates. I did some dating after my divorce with the usual results. At that point I decided I couldn't trust my judgment in that area - and swore off the whole thing - and I have been completely happy - even took back my maiden name.


As far as the "community property" is concerned, the only way a new partner would be entitled any of the property is if it was *acquired* as a couple.  Your property remains YOUR property (in California)...


----------



## Nozzle36 (May 11, 2019)

Not necessarily. For instance, if you own a house (like I do) and it increases in value while you are married (as mine did) your spouse is entitled to half the increase in value when you divorce. I foiled that by refusing to do any maintenance on the house and the value went down. I don't know how it is in other community property states, but that's how it is in Washington. My was a parasite, who contributed very little to our marriage and I felt no obligation to accommodate him further.


----------



## Butterfly (May 11, 2019)

AZ Jim said:


> As far as the "community property" is concerned, the only way a new partner would be entitled any of the property is if it was *acquired* as a couple.  Your property remains YOUR property (in California)...



Same here in NM, except in very narrow instances like where a new spouse remodeled a home which was the property of the other spouse before marriage --if he could prove it was his money that went into the house remodel he could possibly have a claim against the house for the value of the remodeling.


----------



## Catlady (May 12, 2019)

Butterfly said:


> --if he could prove it was his money that went into the house remodel he could possibly have a claim against the house for the value of the remodeling.



Also, if the new spouse pays for the mortgage and other improvements to the property.   I didn't even know about the increase in value, like Nozzle said.  So many pitfalls to be aware of.


----------



## Nihil (May 12, 2019)

70% of divorce is initiated by women.Most marriages don't make it past 13 years. 80% of past societies were polygamous, and most of those were polygynous. It seems that the less desirable of the men created the institution of marriage and the "man in charge" idea to try to have what they really want, a life mate.


----------



## JimW (May 13, 2019)

AZ Jim said:


> As far as the "community property" is concerned, the only way a new partner would be entitled any of the property is if it was *acquired* as a couple.  Your property remains YOUR property (in California)...





Nozzle36 said:


> Not necessarily. For instance, *if you own a house (like I do) and it increases in value while you are married (as mine did) your spouse is entitled to half the increase in value when you divorce.* I foiled that by refusing to do any maintenance on the house and the value went down. I don't know how it is in other community property states, but that's how it is in Washington. My was a parasite, who contributed very little to our marriage and I felt no obligation to accommodate him further.



What you described in bold is an acquired asset during the marriage and exactly what Jim was saying.


It's the same here in Mass, only assets that are acquired during the marriage are split evenly during a divorce. All other assets that were obtained before the marriage go to whoever had legal possession of them prior to the marriage date.


----------



## StarSong (May 14, 2019)

If I lost my sweetie of 40 years I couldn't imagine marrying or living  with someone else, though after a time a bit of steady companionship and  a traveling partner - male or female - would probably be appealing.


----------



## Trade (May 14, 2019)




----------



## fancicoffee13 (May 27, 2019)

I haven't been widowed very long, 4 years, but I have had the option to marry again twice.  Once almost did happen.  I decided to not marry and stay friends only because of money, and my ways went against his ways.  I am satisfied to live alone and go places like friends houses and play cards, go to church events, and the sort.  I have many, many friends and am very active.  I just cannot live together and do the married thing outside of marriage.  The same issues come up even inside of marriage.  If I don't want to be alone, I go to a senior center, volunteer, line dance, serve at my church, etc.  And when I am sick, I have people that check on me, call me.  So, I just don't want the caregiver title anymore.  Lots of hard work, stress, and I don't need that in my later years.  Plus, if I want to go on a trip, or anything, no one to consider but myself.


----------



## AZ Jim (May 27, 2019)

fancicoffee13 said:


> I haven't been widowed very long, 4 years, but I have had the option to marry again twice.  Once almost did happen.  I decided to not marry and stay friends only because of money, and my ways went against his ways.  I am satisfied to live alone and go places like friends houses and play cards, go to church events, and the sort.  I have many, many friends and am very active.  I just cannot live together and do the married thing outside of marriage.  The same issues come up even inside of marriage.  If I don't want to be alone, I go to a senior center, volunteer, line dance, serve at my church, etc.  And when I am sick, I have people that check on me, call me.  So, I just don't want the caregiver title anymore.  Lots of hard work, stress, and I don't need that in my later years.  Plus, if I want to go on a trip, or anything, no one to consider but myself.


OK!  That's it!  I was gonna beg for your hand but you are now outta luck!!


----------



## treeguy64 (May 27, 2019)

Only reason I married was to have kids.  After that, and two divorces, no way, Jose!  The gf and I have been together for fourteen years.  She has her stuff, I have mine.  Never, again, going to let the State tell me how I have to live my life in a relationship, or distribute things, if the relationship ends!


----------



## fancicoffee13 (May 27, 2019)

Two paychecks better than one, well what about the debts?  Two loads of debt instead of just one.  Yep, I had that last time.  I know that there is an easier time with more money and not being alone.  Just some people like to blow it too.  I am not a penny pincher, but I have known people who do.  Haven't met a responsible person yet.  Sorry if I sound bitter, but I still, I guess, feel the pain.  I don't like being alone, so...….   Anyway, I have two dogs.


----------



## fancicoffee13 (May 27, 2019)

Ken N TX, that is funny!  A lighter look at this topic.


----------



## fancicoffee13 (May 27, 2019)

I have found being friends is great.  When you get older, and wiser, there are those that are just great to be around and share parts of life with.  And to know that there is someone out there that wants to share with you, be there for you, is wonderful.  But, then you go home to your life and your bills, and the other does too.  You can still learn things from each other, and have something to look forward to.  Well, that is the lighter side of being alone, part of the time.


----------



## Leann (May 28, 2019)

treeguy64 said:


> Only reason I married was to have kids.  After that, and two divorces, no way, Jose!  The gf and I have been together for fourteen years.  She has her stuff, I have mine.  Never, again, going to let the State tell me how I have to live my life in a relationship, or *distribute things, if the relationship ends!*



My ex-husband was fired from most jobs he ever held and he would take his sweet time looking for a job after he was fired. In one case, he was voluntarily unemployed for nearly five years. In other words, he stayed home watching TV most days. I was steadily employed during this time and often worked long hours to keep a roof over our heads, food in the refrigerator, the utilities on and our kids in good schools. During the divorce process, my ex-husband wanted far more than he was entitled to because he said he had a hard time finding work and so he was less secure in terms of future employment than I was. It wasn't that. He would only accept certain types of jobs, if offered, and turned his nose up at work he felt was beneath him. We sought the advice of a mediator during our divorce and she empathized with him. My ex and I argued and negotiated for three months until I finally threw in the towel and agreed to most of his demands. In the divorce, he got 75% of our things (TVs, furniture, kitchen things, household stuff). 

I never want to go through anything like that again so I doubt getting married again is in my future.


----------



## fancicoffee13 (May 28, 2019)

I understand that, but happy for you now.


----------



## OneEyedDiva (Jul 3, 2019)

Keesha said:


> There’s nothing wrong with that. You do what works for ‘you.’ I know an elderly couple that married ( 2nd marriage for both ) yet each kept their own houses. That’s how they wanted it and they seem happier than the average couple.
> You never know.
> We’ll send Cupid down your way. :hatlaugh:


LOL Keesha!  I know this response is late but don't visit here that regularly and have trouble keeping up with who replies to me when I do.


----------



## Nozzle36 (Jul 3, 2019)

If I had known at 20 what I now know about marriage, I would never have married in the first place. As far as I'm concerned, the traditional marriage is a form of indentured servitude and the more conservative the man and the community, the more the restrictions on the woman. It varies among various cultural and religious groups, so the degree varies from severe to mild. I discovered the hard way, that it just wasn't my cup of tea. I could be wrong,, but I suspect that to be true for  lot of woman stuck in that situation. I made the best of it but my heart just wasn't in it. I've now been single for over 30 years and I've never been happier. I don't even date - but that's a whole 'nother story!


----------



## win231 (Jul 3, 2019)

I've been divorced for 36 years.  I considered marriage again, but my ex-wife and 3 fiancées after her taught me important lessons about trust & "Love."


----------



## StarSong (Jul 4, 2019)

Marriage works well for some people, not so well for others.  I've been very fortunate to have had a good, supportive, easy marriage with very few rough patches. 

Indentured servitude?  What a drag your marriage must have been, Nozzle.  Sorry for that.  Glad you learned that being single works best for you.


----------



## Sunny (Jul 4, 2019)

Just wanted to say, this is one of the best discussions I've ever seen onlne. I have nothing much to add, except to say that fair number of couples here in my retirement community are not married. Most have been married before, and are either widowed or divorced. Many do not even share living quarters; they keep their own homes and have privacy, and presumably, all their "stuff" will go to their own kids, including their home, car, etc.  But they spend at least part of every day together, travel together, attend all social occasions together, and pretty much act like a married couple. Seems like the best of both words to me.


----------



## StarSong (Jul 4, 2019)

Sunny said:


> Just wanted to say, this is one of the best discussions I've ever seen onlne. I have nothing much to add, except to say that fair number of couples here in my retirement community are not married. Most have been married before, and are either widowed or divorced. Many do not even share living quarters; they keep their own homes and have privacy, and presumably, all their "stuff" will go to their own kids, including their home, car, etc.  But they spend at least part of every day together, travel together, attend all social occasions together, and pretty much act like a married couple. Seems like the best of both words to me.



I could see how that would work well, Sunny. While I've learned to never say never, I cannot imagine a situation in which I would agree to live with or marry again if something happened to my sweetie.


----------



## Nozzle36 (Jul 4, 2019)

StarSong said:


> Marriage works well for some people, not so well for others.  I've been very fortunate to have had a good, supportive, easy marriage with very few rough patches.
> 
> Indentured servitude?  What a drag your marriage must have been, Nozzle.  Sorry for that.  Glad you learned that being single works best for you.


Part of the problem was me and the very poor choices I made. I did elect to go through some short term therapy after the divorce and as my therapist said - my picker was broke" (had a very dysfunctional childhood - spent most of it in foster homes)


----------



## Judycat (Jul 4, 2019)

Nope, was married 31 years. Don't want to do that again. I am freeeeeeee from the bonds of marriage.  Been six years and don't even miss the companionship anymore. Husband was a decent guy but the set up was lousy. He was divorced twice already when I took the chance. Blah he was soured on women. We raised our children and then he died. The end.


----------



## OneEyedDiva (Jul 5, 2019)

Nozzle36 said:


> If I had known at 20 what I now know about marriage, I would never have married in the first place. As far as I'm concerned, the traditional marriage is a form of indentured servitude and the more conservative the man and the community, the more the restrictions on the woman. It varies among various cultural and religious groups, so the degree varies from severe to mild. I discovered the hard way, that it just wasn't my cup of tea. I could be wrong,, but I suspect that to be true for  lot of woman stuck in that situation. I made the best of it but my heart just wasn't in it. I've now been single for over 30 years and I've never been happier. I don't even date - but that's a whole 'nother story!


I know what you mean Nozzle. My first marriage was a traditional one.. .only lasted 3 months. My second one a little more than 2 decades later was not traditional...he didn't live here "full time".  Good thing because that probably wouldn't have lasted a year as much as I loved him when we married. I'm very independent and never believed in the "obey" part of traditional vows since I'm not a child and not a pet.  I am Muslim and you'd be surprised at what Muslim husbands are advised to do regarding their marriages....that many, maybe most don't adhere to.  Muslim husbands are advised to help their wives around the house (unless his working hours are just too long), help with the children, make sure *she's* pleased in bed before he finishes (in fact ask her permission to leave the marital bed). The men are also supposed to ask their wives' opinions before making important decisions. We are advised to be "blankets" or protection for one another.


----------



## bearcat (Mar 18, 2020)

debbie in seattle said:


> Being a newish widow, a question....why get remarried?   Was married for 45+ years, an ok marriage, am able to live comfortably with the money I have, so why remarry again, why not just live together?    I’m truly curious.  I get the companionship, etc etc, but cant you just live together and achieve all the same goals without the paperwork?   One statement my money manager told me was that if I ever choose to get married again, keep our monies seperate esp if my partner had children.



Marriage does not have to be a government-sponsored contract.  You can just have whatever ritual you enjoy.
However, bear in mind that the law is tricky.
Live together long enough, and you may fall under "common law spouse" status.
"Palimony" is a thing.
Nolo Press self-help law books include a very good "living together" guide.  Your library can likely get you a copy.


----------



## bearcat (Mar 19, 2020)

OneEyedDiva said:


> I know what you mean Nozzle. My first marriage was a traditional one.. .only lasted 3 months. My second one a little more than 2 decades later was not traditional...he didn't live here "full time".  Good thing because that probably wouldn't have lasted a year as much as I loved him when we married. I'm very independent and never believed in the "obey" part of traditional vows since I'm not a child and not a pet.  I am Muslim and you'd be surprised at what Muslim husbands are advised to do regarding their marriages....that many, maybe most don't adhere to.  Muslim husbands are advised to help their wives around the house (unless his working hours are just too long), help with the children, make sure *she's* pleased in bed before he finishes (in fact ask her permission to leave the marital bed). The men are also supposed to ask their wives' opinions before making important decisions. We are advised to be "blankets" or protection for one another.




Religious books of most faiths include quite a few rules, but I've never seen any issue the rules in an effective manner.
By that I mean the "what's in it for me" factor.
A promise of a reward after death is a little weak.

If the rule said, "here is a list of ways that your life as a man will be happy if you just do these duties with / for your wife"
then perhaps it would carry more weight.

It may be unfair, but many men feel that providing the bulk of the money and security is more
than enough to give.  

Many men discover that if they do things like housework or help with the children, all they get
is criticism about how they do it from their wives.

Many men care a lot less about whether their clothes are clean or the kitchen floor is swept than women do.
It isnt' just that they don't want to help. They just don't care as much as you do.

It may shock you to discover that most men have no control whatsoever as to when they sexually "finish" as you put it.
Think of it as sneezing. Can you decide when to sneeze, or when to stop sneezing?

Most women make men work really hard to get them to have sex or get married.
Is it really surprising that some men are just burnt out after that?

Many men are tempted into marriage by sex and good looks.
Is it surprising that they quit trying when their wives get fat and quit being ******?

I presume you were married in some kind of religious ceremony with a religious leader conducting it?
Before he agreed to perform the ceremony, did that person sit the two of you down?
Did he read out loud these rules, one by one?
Okay, prospective husband, do you agree to do this specific thing? 
Do you understand that I personally
am going to bring a gang of men to literally beat you with sticks until you're dead if you break this rule?
And so on, one by one......?

Before you were married, did you clearly, directly, proactively tell your husbands,
"Here are the parts of the vows I don't believe in"?


----------

