# Financial Help For Adult Children, Advice and Thoughts Solicited



## Bobw235 (Oct 15, 2016)

Some of you will no doubt recall that I have detailed in at least one previous thread the difficult situation that my wife and I have with our daughter-in-law. She and our son live in England, and sadly their relationship has crumbled over the past several years, due in large part to anxiety and depression that our DIL has been reluctant to treat. She is fearful that seeking treatment will ultimately jeopardize her career once she graduates from a university course of study. The situation was made worse recently when our DIL's primary care physician became involved, due to our son expressing his concerns about her mental state, worried that she was sinking lower by not seeking help. The DIL saw this as a betrayal and lashed out in a disturbing way. She has threatened that she might "hit him while he sleeps", frame him in such a way that he will lose custody rights when they ultimately split up (they have both agreed that divorce is a reality down the road), threatened to kick him out of the house (which she has title to), etc. While I've never seen our DIL's angry rages in person, our son has described them over the years in enough detail that we get the impression she can quickly lose control. She has broken things in anger and is quick to lash out and make threats. She lives in a constant state of fear that our son desires to take the children from her and flee to America. Nothing could be further from the truth and he's tried to convince her of this over the years. She is by all accounts a very devoted mother to our grandchildren. She lives for their happiness and development, and much of her emotional pain has been caused by anxiety over her mistaken belief that she did something during her pregnancy that has led to a physical problem with our grandson. (Doctors have assured her that he's fine and she did nothing wrong.)

Our son is presently the sole provider while his wife has chosen to take a year off from university to spend more time with their daughter before she begins school next year. Money is tight, but our son's salary covers their expenses. The DIL doesn't work. We are sure they will split up once she finishes her degree (one year left) and gets a job, but that's at least 2-3 years down the road. In the interim we've advised our son to document *everything.  *We've told him to keep a journal with dates and times. He's gone so far as to secretly record on his iPod, two of their recent encounters, including the one where she spelled out how she'd frame him. He's sent these recordings to his best friend here in the states for safe keeping. While we don't think there has been physical abuse towards our son, it seems clear that our DIL is an emotionally abusive person who uses threats and intimidation to get what she wants from our son.

The other day my wife expressed a desire to give our son enough money to allow him to move out of the house and get set up on his own. I have reservations about this. It would be a costly, long term financial commitment on our part. He has very little to call his own at this stage in his life. I am hesitant to inject ourselves into this situation with my son and his wife anymore than we have already.

I don't know what the right thing is here. We have quite a bit saved up for retirement and my wife will likely receive a substantial inheritance when her mom passes away. My wife said to me the other day, would I feel differently if our child was the female in the relationship, and it did give me pause. I'll admit, it did make me look at this in a different light.

So, all of this is a way of soliciting the collective wisdom of the folks on this forum. If you had the financial means to help your son in a situation like this, would you do it? Is it wrong to interfere in the life of your adult child? Should gender be a factor in this decision? All of this is weighing heavily on my mind in the past few days. As always, I value your thoughts and opinions here.


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## bluebreezes (Oct 15, 2016)

I guess my initial question is what does your son want and is he asking for this help? If so, does he understand the impacts to your retirement plans? What steps has he taken to explore alternatives? I would have similar reservations about making a long-term financial commitment. Gender would not be a factor for me.

Has he consulted with an attorney? I guess it's not clear why they're not pursuing divorce at this point since it seems to be a given.


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## Bobw235 (Oct 15, 2016)

bluebreezes said:


> I guess my initial question is what does your son want and is he asking for this help? If so, does he understand the impacts to your retirement plans? What steps has he taken to explore alternatives? I would have similar reservations about making a long-term financial commitment. Gender would not be a factor for me.
> 
> Has he consulted with an attorney? I guess it's not clear why they're not pursuing divorce at this point since it seems to be a given.



He has not as yet asked for help, but has said that if he had the means, we would move out now.


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 15, 2016)

I feel for you and your son Bob, this is a tough one.  It's unfortunate that there are children involved, or I'd say to use your money to get him back to the states and let him start fresh again here.  Even if you invest all the finances to relocate him there, he still has the burden of supporting her and the kids....and his new place of residence.  To continue to give money indefinitely to him for this could really deplete your retirement funds.

I thought about what your wife said too, if it was your daughter this was happening to.  People usually think that if it's a female being threatened, she's much more likely to be hurt or worse by her spouse...but there have been cases of the opposite, nothing to take lightly for sure.

The good thing is that she's a good mother and doesn't seem to want to harm the children.  I really feel bad for your son, because I always felt if anyone is in a bad relationship and unhappy, they should dissolve it for their own happiness as soon as possible.  Life is too short to be miserable in a bad relationship.

If they divorced, who would get the kids?  Would he be comfortable with them in England with her while he started life again in the US?  Does he want to come home?  Also, much to think about for sure, if you paid for a new place for him, would he ever want to return to her?  If so, would she let him?

Sorry Bob, I know I'm not much help but it does seem like a serious situation.  A loan or gift from you guys will help him out right now, but it's just a bandaid.  If he left, does she have any relatives there who would help her out financially?

If it was my son (or daughter), I'd want them out so they could at least breathe easy.  Hugs to you and your wife, you're both very caring and wise, you'll decide what's best in the end.


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## Aunt Bea (Oct 15, 2016)

Predicting the outcome of domestic situations is very difficult.  I would stay on the sidelines, offer emotional support when needed and keep your powder dry until your son approaches you with a plan that may or may not involve financial assistance from you.

Good luck!!!


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## Bobw235 (Oct 15, 2016)

If and when they do split, our son has said he would remain over in England. He would have the kids stay with his wife, but relocate nearby. I assume they have shared custody in England. We're hoping to have a private conversation with him at some point and maybe we'll explore this in more detail. He's not approached us for help and I don't think it would occur to him. In the meantime we will continue to offer him our best advice.

Thanks everyone for your input. It's a tough situation.


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 15, 2016)

If he plans to stay there, maybe some financial assistance at this time is best for him.  Nice that he hasn't approached you yet for help.  I wish him the best in a difficult time, he'll pull through with such loving support from you guys.


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## Carla (Oct 15, 2016)

Your son must decide, you don't want to get in the middle. Offering the emotional support right now may be all you should do until he asks for more help. You don't want to be manipulated by helping them finance a broken marriage.

He is being abused verbally and mentally, I hope he understands that. Staying around another 2-3 yrs would not be a good thing for him or the children. If she were to become agreeable to counseling or medical help, that might change things, but unless she does, it is doubtful things will get better on their own.

It has to be heartbreaking for you and your wife. I'm sure it's hard to listen to him in so much pain. If on the other hand he suspects she might try to physically harm him then you might want to get more involved and advise him to get out. If they divorice, then more than likely marital assets would be divided.


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## Butterfly (Oct 15, 2016)

My son and DIL recently went through a fairly nasty divorce, and I was very careful not to get into the middle of it.  When they wanted to talk, I listened to both sides -- and not surprisingly each one's version of what was going on was VERY different than the other's.  I think you have to be careful when something like this is happening or you might end up hated by both sides, especially if they reconcile and compare notes about what you said/did, and might end up in your being cut off from your grandchidren forever.

I would not make any unsolicited attempt to "help" affect the outcome.  You need to protect your own retirement, and they are adults and must make their own decisions and find their own way.

Just my two cents' worth.


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