# Joke for today.....



## Pappy (May 8, 2014)

A man walks into work with two black eyes. "How did you get the black eye, asked his boss?
"When I was in church, I noticed the woman in front of me had her dress caught in the crack of her arse so I pulled it out and she turned around and punched me in the eye."
"Then how did you get the other black eye, asked his boss?"
"Well, I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in!!!!"


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## SeaBreeze (May 8, 2014)

Oh boy!      :what1:


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## Ina (May 8, 2014)

Lesson learned. Keep your fingers to yourself.


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## rt3 (May 8, 2014)

you sure that wasn't a guy- dressed like----


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## Michael. (May 12, 2014)

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? "

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband.

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## Pappy (May 12, 2014)

A ship, carrying a full cargo of yo-yos, was sailing to San Francisco from Hong Kong. 
A hurricane hit and the ship sank.........23 times.


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## SeaBreeze (May 12, 2014)

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

 The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

 The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

 The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... The one that's red and has thorns."

 "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


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## kcvet (May 12, 2014)

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face creamand puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband."Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."


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## Denise1952 (May 12, 2014)

:lofl::clap:


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## SeaBreeze (May 12, 2014)

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since retirement, 25 years ago.

 One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

 His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?" "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three, he can't help!" "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

 So, the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother in law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother in law, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" says the brother in law, "I have perfect eyesight!" "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "...Can't remember."


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## Denise1952 (May 12, 2014)

kcvet said:


> A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face creamand puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband."Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."



LOLLLLLLLl!!


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## Pappy (May 13, 2014)

A farmer was driving his tractor with a full manure wagon in tow. As he he drove by the home for slow to learn people, one of them asked the farmer where he was going with all the manure.

"I'm going to spread them on my strawberries," he replied.

"Gee," replied the inmate, "You should live here. We put cream and sugar on our strawberries."


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## SeaBreeze (May 13, 2014)

I'm a Senior Citizen

I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

 I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

 I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

 I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

 I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

 I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

 I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

 I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

 I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

 I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

 I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

 I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

 I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

 I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

 I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

 I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

 I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

 I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

 I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

 I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

 I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

 I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

 I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?


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## SeaBreeze (May 16, 2014)

Medical Charts
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on
 patients’ medical charts:

 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
 year.

 2. On the second day the knee was better,
 and on the third day it disappeared completely.

 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
 she was very hot in bed last night.

 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
 1993.

 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
 be depressed.

 6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

 7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
 forgetful.

 8. The patient refused an autopsy.

 9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

 10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

 11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
 with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.

 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
 pregnant.

 14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
 might like to work her up.

 15. She is numb from her toes down.

 16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

 17. The skin was moist and dry.

 18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
 until she got a divorce.

 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
 therapy.

 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a
 job as a stockbroker instead.

 27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

 28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

 29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
 sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

 30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

 31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

 32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

 33. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

 34. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

 35. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

 36. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

 37. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

 38. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

 39. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

 40. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.


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## kcvet (May 16, 2014)

_All Of These Make Sense_

_*If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates._

_*__~Jay Leno~_

_*The problem with political jokes is they get elected._
_*__~Henry Cate, VII~_

_*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office._
_*__~Aesop~_

_*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven._
_*__~Will Rogers~_

_*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. Just look at all the Presidents over the past 50 years... maybe even longer._
_*__~Clarence Darrow~_

_*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnels._
_*__~John Quinton~_

_*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other._
_*__~Oscar Ameringer~_

_*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them._
_*__~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~_

_*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country._
_*__~Tex Guinan~_

_*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians._
_*__~Charles de Gaulle~_

_*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks._
_*__~Doug Larson~_

_*There ought to be one day... just one... when there is open season on senators._
_*__~Will Rogers~_
_BUT - my favorite is from... _
_*__~Harry Truman~ __... If you want a real friend, that you can trust in Washington - go buy a dog*!*_



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## SeaBreeze (May 16, 2014)

:clap:


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## Meanderer (May 22, 2014)

*While Trying To Find Out If A Parrot Can Yell "Timber", I Found This:*

The Parrot


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands,grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.


Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."


John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


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## SeaBreeze (May 22, 2014)

:clap:


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## Michael. (May 23, 2014)

*Who Says Engineers Don’t Have A Sense Of Humour?*

.

*Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand. 

Who Says Engineers Don’t Have A Sense Of Humour?

**
*

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. 
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. 


To the optimist, the glass is half-full. 
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. 
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" 
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" 
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." 
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" 
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." 
The group fell silent for a moment. 
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." 
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." 
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" 


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? 
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. 


The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" 



Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. 
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." 
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." 
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" 



Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" 
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." 
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." 


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. 
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." 
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. 
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" 
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" 
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. 
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" 
He replied, "They had eggs."


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