# Adopted Children Seeking Out Their Birth Parents, Good or Bad Idea?



## SeaBreeze (Aug 15, 2014)

I'm not adopted, have never adopted a child or put one up for adoption.  I have seen on television a lot of adopted children, usually when they are older or adults, seeking out their birth parents.

I can't help but feel bad for the parents who opened their arms to these babies/children, and brought them into their homes, raising them as their own.  I can't imagine how an adoptive parent would feel, when their child started actively searching for their birth mother.  To me it would be like a slap in the face, and a bit heart-breaking.

Now, if I was a woman who had a baby, and for some reason or another gave my child up for adoption, I don't know if I would want them hunting me down years later either, because I obviously made a decision and went on with my life, without them.

What do you think?  Should adopted children search for their birth parents once they are old enough to do so?  Do you think it's being ungrateful and hurtful to the parents who took them into their loving homes, raising them as their own?  Your thoughts please.


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## flphotog (Aug 16, 2014)

I have no experience with this but once a child is of age it is really their choice. It may not actually be an affront to their adoptive parents but just a desire to find out why they were put up for adoption in the first place and to find out where they actually come from. 
As it turns out, I found out after my mother passed away many years ago that she had actually been adopted. There was some kind of issue between my parents and my mothers adoptive parents and they lived some distance away so I only met them a few times when I was very young. 
Now this was all from a time long ago as they say and things are much different now, for better or worse.


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## Twixie (Aug 16, 2014)

I don't think these children deliberately try to hurt their adoptive parents, but can you imagine never knowing why your birth mother gave you up..''Do I look like her??''
I think it is more to do with nature than we think..Like salmon climbing up rivers...going back to where they were eggs and hatched...

How do they know?


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## Falcon (Aug 16, 2014)

For ONE thing, if you are about to adopt a child, you should EXPECT that child to (maybe) want to seek its birth mother for whatever reason.

If that bothers you, then DON'T adopt


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## RadishRose (Aug 16, 2014)

I agree with Falcon.  And sometimes adopted children want to search for thier biological fathers, too.


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## hollydolly (Aug 16, 2014)

Good question SB 

I personally think it's a good thing that adopted children can if they wish seek out their birth parents  as long as they make contact first to ascertain as to whether the Birth parents would equally be happy to have their life disrupted, in that they may have a new family who would be extremely upset if they knew that mother or father had a past they knew nothing of, and perhaps would not accept it easily if at all.

We have a TV programme here where adopted adults can be reunited with the birth parents after they've searched often for years with no luck at all, and the programme researchers step in and 'find' the long lost parent/s. Some have been found on the complete opposite side of the world.

In every case parents who gave their children up for adoption sometimes as long ago as 50 years have been delighted to be re-united again, although I'm sure we don't get to view the ones who were not, and that is completely understandable too.


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## Bettyann (Aug 16, 2014)

I was adopted as an infant. I always knew that someday I would find my birth family. I started in searching long after my adopted parents died. They will always be my 'real' parents, but I NEEDED to find my roots...mainly because I was so rejected by so many in the small German community that I was raised in....just because I was adopted, the reason being: 'we don't know what kind of blood she has in her.' 
I was in my early 50's when months of searching paid off and, amusingly enough, it was my ex-motherinlaw that gave me my biggest clue to who my birth mother was! 
I visited my birth mother for a couple of days. I can't say we really hit it off...but we BOTH had issues over things, and if I could 'go back in time' I would have chosen to handle things better. I adored meeting my birth father's two brothers (he had passed years before)...and I heard from other members of the birth family. This felt 'real' to me and I felt validated as to who I 'really was.' You truly would have to have walked in my moccasins to understand why I felt this way...


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## SeaBreeze (Aug 16, 2014)

Interesting Bettyann, thanks for sharing your story. :love_heart:


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## hollydolly (Aug 17, 2014)

Bettyann, lovely story ,  are you still in touch with your birth family and what do your adoptive family think of your involvement with your birth relatives?


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## Twixie (Aug 17, 2014)

I once worked for a handicapped lady with cerebral palsy..Her sad tale started at birth..when he ''Father'' saw her he said ''We are not taking *that* home and so she was given to an orphanage run by nuns..

Her parents were really rich..and this lady wanted for nothing..

Even when she was older..she recieved massive amounts of money into her bank account...on the specification that she never tried to contact her parents..


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## Happyflowerlady (Sep 1, 2014)

I think that the answer for this could be different in each case; depending on the circumstances of the adoption. 
My sister-in-law was adopted by my in-laws when she was a baby. She had been in a Catholic orphanage, and had no ideas of who her actual birthparents were, or why she was adopted. 
Now, both of her parents are gone, and with the possibilities of the internet, and new regulations about giving out information; it looks like she may be able to track down her birth parents. She has a lot of mixed feelings about doing this, and I can understand why.
But, her mother was apparently physically abused by the husband, and maybe Deb when she was a baby; so it may have been a necessity for her mother to put her up for adoption.  It is possible there might be a mother out there somewhere who has been broken-hearted over the loss of her child all these years, but had no way to discover what becme of her once she was adopted. 
I think that making contact when possible is a good thing, and then whatever comes out of the relationship after that; at least the person does not spend all of their life wondering about it. 

When unmarried women had babies back in the 50's and 60's, many of them had the babies put up for adoption because of parents not wanting anyone to know that the girl had gotten pregnant out of wedlock. Some of these people probably have gone on with their lives, but would be happy to hear from the lost child.


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## Lee (Sep 2, 2014)

It's not always a happy ending. I was illegitimate and looked to connect with my father. I think we all have dreams of being "daddy's little girl"

After a lot of questions, a lot of searching I finally located his divorced wife. I travelled almost 900 miles to meet her hoping she would be the go between as a phone conversation with my father was his denial. She was a wonderful lady, I wish she could have been my mother and while she would not openly interfere she gave me his address. She knew by looking at me and seeing the strong resemblance to her son that I was indeed his daughter.

Going to the house I saw him sitting with a bunch of people on the porch and I simply could not bring myself to go talk to him. Maybe if there had not been the denial....maybe if there had not been others there. Who knows?

His ex wife wanted to have a little time to consider how to approach her son and tell him that he had a half sister. I went home and waited and waited for word from her. Almost 2 months went by and a letter came from her which broke my heart, she had been diagnosed with cancer and decided that she could not put the stress on her son with both the cancer and me.

I respected her wish to "let it go" and never expected to hear anything again. Years went by and out of the blue one day something happened. I was on a forum and there was a thread started about reconnecting with someone. I knew the brother's name and put it in. Funny how someone googled there name, saw my post, joined the forum and sent me a PM

Like me he was curious, he lived many miles away and more or less demanded "proof" which I sent him. His father had admitted in court when my mother took him for child support which he never paid by the way. Back in those days collection was not monitored like today.

I sent pictures and told him to contact his aunt also for verification as his mom had passed away shortly after meeting me. Our father had also died so at least that was closure for me.

But there was just nothing there, his wife and I corresponded at one time, she was more eager to meet me than he was. Truth be told there was also a little part of me that resented the fact that HE had all the opportunities given to him that were not available to ME.

It all just fizzled out, when I would call and if he answered he would hand the phone to his wife. I got the message....did not need a house to fall on me.

A few years passed and out of the blue one day she contacted me and left a voice mail message to call. My first thought.....does he need a kidney? Not really funny I know but it is what it is. No kidney just her wanting to talk, he did not even come to the phone.

Sooooo not always what you hope for but life goes on, and that's my story. You need to always know in the back of your mind that as much as you hope for family they don't always hope for you.


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## Grumpy Ol' Man (Sep 5, 2014)

Our son-in-law was adopted as an infant.  He has no desire to ever know who his biological mother and father are/were.  He says his adoptive parents are his ONLY parents and doesn't want to even consider looking beyond that.  That is his choice.  That's okay.  Except...

He and our daughter have blessed us with the most beautiful two grandaughters one could ever ask for.  Is it fair to our grandaughters if there is some genetic health issue that could be more effectively treated if one was aware at a young age?  That is my only concern.  But, that is our SIL's business and he and our daughter need to be the decison makers and we parents-in-laws need to keep our nose out of it.  So far, we have done just that.


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## Warrigal (Sep 5, 2014)

Bettyann said:


> I was adopted as an infant. I always knew that someday I would find my birth family. I started in searching long after my adopted parents died. They will always be my 'real' parents, but I NEEDED to find my roots...mainly because I was so rejected by so many in the small German community that I was raised in....just because I was adopted, the reason being: 'we don't know what kind of blood she has in her.'
> I was in my early 50's when months of searching paid off and, amusingly enough, it was my ex-motherinlaw that gave me my biggest clue to who my birth mother was!
> 
> I visited my birth mother for a couple of days. I can't say we really hit it off...but we BOTH had issues over things, and if I could 'go back in time' I would have chosen to handle things better. I adored meeting my birth father's two brothers (he had passed years before)...and I heard from other members of the birth family. This felt 'real' to me and I felt validated as to who I 'really was.' You truly would have to have walked in my moccasins to understand why I felt this way...



This post reveals some of the hazards and some of the benefits of seeking out one's birth family. It might be unpleasant to discover the character of one's genetic mother or father, but then again it might not. Knowing why they chose to adopt could be therapeutic and lead to greater understanding of their circumstances and the difficulty of their choice. It may not even have been their choice if they were very young. To discover new family members, including siblings, grandparents cousins etc and to see the genetic likenesses with yourself and your own children must be reassuring in some way. Joyful even.


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## oldman (Sep 6, 2014)

My son adopted three girls from the same Mother, so all three are sisters. Their ages are 18, 16, 9. Two of the girls are bi-racial. My son adopted the youngest right out of the hospital. When the two older ones were about to lose their foster home, they were going to be split up into two different families, so my son, being the kind person he is, didn't want this happening to them, so he adopted them. The Mother is a stripper with 11 total children, all adopted out. My daughter-in-law was unable to have children, which they did not know at the time of their marriage, so decided to adopt. 

They allowed the birthing Mother to stay in contact with the girls. At first, it was OK. She just called them occasionally, but as they grew older, she made more frequent phone calls and then started wanting to have some one on one contact with them. My son did allow this at first, but then saw that this was becoming an issue as she was starting to give them guidance and acting like a parent. My son then started putting up fences and limit the phone calls and visits, which the older girls seemed to take offense to. It did cause a stir for awhile, but now things have calmed down and my son did have a talk with the birthing Mom and told her what role she would be allowed and that visits and phone calls will be limited. He also only allows them one on one contact once per year. All other personal meetings are done with the full family involved. 

Things are going well at this point. There is so much more to this, but the rest of the story would take away from the intent of the thread. 

My Granddaughters.


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## Jackie22 (Sep 6, 2014)

Oldman, your granddaughters are beautiful and your son is to be commended.


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## Grumpy Ol' Man (Sep 6, 2014)

Great story, oldman!!!  As I indicated in another thread, our daughter and SIL adopted a sibling set of 3 just 10 years ago.  We are so proud of our grandkids, as you should be of those lovely grandaughters!!!  (And, that's a nice Thomas Kinkade in the background!!)


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## oldman (Sep 6, 2014)

Grumpy Ol' Man said:


> Great story, oldman!!!  As I indicated in another thread, our daughter and SIL adopted a sibling set of 3 just 10 years ago.  We are so proud of our grandkids, as you should be of those lovely grandaughters!!!  (And, that's a nice Thomas Kinkade in the background!!)



Thanks to those that have mentioned my beautiful Grandchildren and the kindness of my Son. Like I said, there is a lot more to this story, as you can imagine, but I'll save it for maybe another day. My Son is a computer guru for a large corporation in Pennsylvania, so yes, although we do not believe in self-pride, we are proud of him and of his accomplishments so far in his life. 

BTW, the Kinkade portrait is an artist's proof of Lomabard Street in San Francisco, which I bought at the Kinkade Gallery in Orange County, California for my wife as an anniversary gift. I have a full picture of it at home on my other computer, but I am sure that you've seen it. Supposedly, as Kinkade tells the story, he has himself painted riding the motorcycle down the street. EDIT: I just noticed after posting that this is the same frame that I purchased the portrait with.


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## Butterfly (Oct 26, 2014)

SeaBreeze said:


> I'm not adopted, have never adopted a child or put one up for adoption.  I have seen on television a lot of adopted children, usually when they are older or adults, seeking out their birth parents.
> 
> I can't help but feel bad for the parents who opened their arms to these babies/children, and brought them into their homes, raising them as their own.  I can't imagine how an adoptive parent would feel, when their child started actively searching for their birth mother.  To me it would be like a slap in the face, and a bit heart-breaking.
> 
> ...



I agree with SeaBreeze.  If I had made the (I'm sure) difficult and painful decision not to keep a child years ago, I'm not sure I would want it raked all up again after all the years.  AND, if I somehow found out that my mother (whom I loved dearly and still miss every day) was not my biological birth mother, I would not have sought out the birth mother.   A "real" mother is so much more than just giving birth.  Giving birth is a biological act -- being a "real mother" is an affair of the heart and soul.


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## Happyflowerlady (Oct 27, 2014)

My sister-in-law, Debbie has now located some of her half-brothers and sisters, and is corresponding with them. 
It turns out that she also has a full sister, and she lives in the same Seattle area as Debbie lives. The sister should be able to help Debbie to re-connect with her mother, as well. 
Even though Debbie will always think of my former in-laws as her mom and dad; I think that it is great that she is finding people that are her actual blood relatives, especially since her adoptive parents have long since passed away. 
Even if the relationship is never close with the new-found family; I believe that she will be glad that she has found them, and hopefully will have some questions answered about her past. 

I think that if I had had to give up a child for adoption for whatever reason; I would be glad to find them again. Even if it had been a secret from other people in my life; I think that I would always have thought of them, and wondered what had become of the lost child.


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## patcaf (Jun 16, 2017)

It is very dependent on the child. I have two adopted children. My son (now married with his own children) traced his birth mother , met her once and had no desire to see her again. He does have a half brother and sister but has not felt it necessary to keep in touch.

My daughter has never tried to trace her birth mother. She knows a lot about  her and also her natural father and could trace them  if she wanted but has no wish to. 

We kept our children's given names and they always knew they were adopted so this may have made a difference to their acceptance of who they are , I do not know.  The medical issue is probably the main one. They do get asked about family history but obviously they have no idea of medical history in the family.

Each person is different and some feel a compulsion to find their birth parents and wider family but my children did not.


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## Loosey (Jun 16, 2017)

It's such an individual decision.  I do think people should be legally entitled to search or not and to be found or not.  State laws in the US are widely divergent, still.

In my opinion, the value of family medical history cannot be over-stressed.  I had the very same cancer my mother had, and her paternal grandmother had it, too.  It's possible that that information saved my life.  Believe me, I advertized vigilance loud and long among the females in my family.

I went looking for my father just months after his death so I never got to know him.  (I was prepared for the possibility that he may not want to know me.)  However, that search led me to a half-brother and half-sister.  I wrote them a letter explaining who I am, and had a phone call from my brother the day he received it.  We've become close and he and his wife have become among my favorite people on earth.

The half-sister took another tack entirely, as is certainly her right.  She didn't respond to me, but said to my brother "I have enough problems without that!"  We have had no contact.  Oh, well.  

I love finding little quirks of personality he and I have in common that we're calling genetic.

As I said, I think it's as individual as the persons involved.


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## helenbacque (Jun 16, 2017)

From a practical viewpoint, I believe everyone should know their own family medical history for their own well being as well as that of their children.  Modern medicine is making many advances in the study of genetic related conditions and the knowledge that there might be a predisposition could be life saving.  For instance, knowing there is a history of breast cancer would prompt someone to be more alert to problems in that area.  Therefore, even if birth parents don't want contact, they should volunteer pertinent family medical history.  On a personal level, I was not adopted nor did I adopt.  I have the stretch marks to prove it.  

I think the "Who am I?" and "Where did I come From?" would always be in the mind of an adoptee.  As to whether it is pursued - purely personal decision.  Whatever is discovered, it cannot help but be a life altering experience.

DNA analysis is making it possible to locate a family group (cousins or closer) for most who test.  Determining exactly where you fit into a family can take lots of research or can be surprisingly easy depending upon your research skills and how helpful your test matches (cousins) prove to be.   Anyone searching for a birth family should do DNA testing with one of the large companies offering such and submit your results for analysis.   

Point of interest .... It has been discovered that older females are far more likely to be DNA tested than males of similar age.  Is it because females *always* know when they become a parent, whereas males don't and maybe fear surprises?


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## terry123 (Jun 16, 2017)

My daughter adopted a daughter from China and has never wanted to know her birth parents.  She was left at an orphanage the day she was born as the family had a son and all they were allowed was one child at that time.  It is a problem in her case as she has many medical problems and a medical history of the family would be very helpful.  She is brilliant and takes only All Honors Classes.  My daughter got her when she was 18 months old.  She still cannot stand to have a sheet or quilt over her legs at night as they were tied down in their beds to keep them from getting out of bed in the orphanage. My daughter did not adopt here as 2 of her friends did and in both cases the birth parents changed their minds and got the children back.  She did not want that to happen to her.


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## Iodine (Jun 17, 2017)

Our story is a little different as there was no adoption.  Our son died at 49 not knowing he had a 2nd son.  The boy's mom had discouraged him from looking for his dad.  2 years after our son died this 28 year old man with a wife and 2 year old son found me on Facebook.  He sent me a PM and told me he wasn't after a kidney or anything but our son was his biological dad and he just wanted to meet or at lest talk to him.  I told him his dad had died 2 years earlier but he had a half brother.  He grew up an only child and said he'd always wanted a sibling.  I told my husband before I opened my heart to him we'd have to have a DNA test but he looked at the young man's photo and said "We don't need a DNA test, that's our grandson."   To make a long story short, he and his wife got on a plane and flew 1500 miles to see us a couple weeks later.  All the family welcomed him and I told him he was our miracle.  When his brother pulled into the drive way from college that evening he just got out of his car and said "Hello brother" and they ran into each others arms.  That sight was worth millions of dollars to me.  His mother sent me a message thanking me that we welcomed him the way we had.  Her fears all those years were unfounded.  We have not met our great grandson yet but I'm sure it's in our future.  Why did it happen like this?  I don't know.  In case anyone is wondering, he not only looks like our family he has the same mannerisms, come of the same habits and he just fit right in like we had known him all his life.  Am I glad he looked for his dad?  Absolutely.


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## RadishRose (Jun 19, 2017)

What wonderful and moving surprise! I hope you get to meet the baby before too long, Iodine!

My high school friend gave her illegitimate baby son up for adoption when he was born. Early last year, the adoption agency wrote to her and asked permission for him to contact her about his medical background. She agreed and got a written request from him with a nice note saying he had a happy life, that he held no resentment against her but wasn't looking for a relationship.

One day last summer, just a few weeks after my friend died, another letter came from him saying he changed his mind and actually did want very much to meet her. But he was too late.

All this while, each was afraid to be rejected by, or cause trouble for the other.

Since then, he has met his brother and sister by her; full blood, as she did eventually marry the father.


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## Iodine (Jun 20, 2017)

What a moving story Radish Rose.  I kind of wish your friend had met him before she passed on but I guess things happen the way they are meant to.  I'm glad he's met his brother and sister.  Has he met his dad?


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## Sassycakes (Dec 9, 2017)

My Niece adopted a baby almost 21 yrs ago.She told him from when he was old enough to understand that if he ever wanted to know anything about his biological parents she wouldn't be hurt and she would give him all the info. He said he didn't have any interest in knowing anything about them and that she is his Mother. Then a friend I knew for years had adopted 2 children. A boy and a girl. She asked both of them if they wanted to know about their biological parents and they both said no. Then when her daughter was getting married my friend saw her looking in the mirror and crying. My friend thought that maybe her daughter was thinking about her Mother. Her daughter saw her and said "Gee Mom when I looked in the mirror it made me cry because I never realized how much I look like you,and it really touched my heart.Until this day my friend still beams with joy about that day. I think every child has a right to know if they want to know.


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## RadishRose (Dec 9, 2017)

Iodine said:


> What a moving story Radish Rose.  I kind of wish your friend had met him before she passed on but I guess things happen the way they are meant to.  I'm glad he's met his brother and sister.  Has he met his dad?



Oh yes, Iodine he has met his dad and many of this relatives.


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## Kadee (Dec 9, 2017)

Beautiful grandaughters Oldman ,where would they be if it wasn’t for your son and DIL adopting them ? 

I knew a lady in the town where I grew up,who had a child every year and they were adopted out from memory she had 13 children including one to my ex who I was with at the time  ( I him divorced in 1971) 
She was commonly referred to as the town bike ...not my words ...I still remember her name


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## Iodine (Dec 9, 2017)

Sort of a post scrip to my post of a few months ago.  Dec 1 we became great grandparents to boy/girl twins and we wouldn't have known about them or their 3 year old brother if our oldest grandson hadn't looked for his real dad.


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## Iodine (Dec 9, 2017)

That is so sweet about looking in the mirror and crying, Sassycakes.


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## fuzzybuddy (Dec 13, 2017)

I wasn't adopted. But, at times, I'm sure my parents would have liked to adopt me out. And, at times, I would have eagerly agreed with adoption. I did ask a girl to the prom, who was adopted. She and her brother were adopted. Both were open about being adopted. I thought being adopted was cool, you know you were wanted. But I wan't sure why the two were so insistent that everybody know about the adoption?


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