# Personal Confidences Given, Received



## imp (Sep 7, 2015)

Have you ever taken someone into your confidence, relative, friend, neighbor, whomever, and learned later that confidence had been compromised by the one you had trust in? If the tables had been reversed, would you have maintained the confidentiality asked of you?   imp


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## hollydolly (Sep 8, 2015)

Mornin' Imp, Yes I've had that happen to me more than once...and it very hurtful to think you've put your trust in someone for them to abuse that trust...and yes if the tables had been turned I would have kept their confidence


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## Ken N Tx (Sep 8, 2015)

Yes and the other person took credit for what I told him!! (former friend)..


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## Debby (Sep 9, 2015)

imp said:


> Have you ever taken someone into your confidence, relative, friend, neighbor, whomever, and learned later that confidence had been compromised by the one you had trust in? If the tables had been reversed, would you have maintained the confidentiality asked of you?   imp




In my 'real' life I've usually made a point of not sharing anything that would cause me embarrassment if it became widely known.  I used to keep a journal and even there I was careful not to include anything that would do the same or hurt someones feelings if it was read without my permission.  And likewise, if someone decided they had to tell me about an embarrassing thing, I'd never tell on them.  Unless they'd hurt or were hurting someone of course.


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## applecruncher (Sep 9, 2015)

Another one of life’s tough lessons…

When a confidence is betrayed, I think it’s best not to confront the person - per se. More effective to find the right moment and ask “What did you hope to accomplish by telling (whatever)?” Watch them fumble and sputter. Then make it clear by your actions (not words) that you’re done.

Sometimes people will get all defensive or play innocent and say “Well, you didn’t exactly swear me to secrecy” when they _knew _it was something that shouldn’t have been repeated. They assumed you wouldn’t find out.


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## WhatInThe (Sep 9, 2015)

I've gotten good over the decades of picking up on nuances along with who and what will and should be divulged. I use certain individuals like a celebrity or politician uses press "leaks". Other things never see the light of day other that what comes in through my eye balls.


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## applecruncher (Sep 9, 2015)

> I use certain individuals like a celebrity or politician uses press "leaks".



Leaks can be useful, and they often pop up accidentally.  Betrayers often think they are clever, but the fact is they're not very good at choosing who to trust or in concealing themselves.

Remember Fredo Corleone (Godfather 2)?  :wink:


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## Shalimar (Sep 9, 2015)

Yes I have had confidences leaked. No, I would not have done the same in the other person's shoes. My reaction to the betrayal depends on a number of factors: severity, number of leaks, motivation, state of mind of the individual who leaked the information. For example, if a person just experienced the death of a loved one, I am inclined to be magnanimous. Also, I will take into account the long term behaviour of my friend. That said, when necessary, I clean house. Gentleness is a choice, not a liability in my book. As I said to one former friend, " if you want unconditional absolution, turn to therapy or religion, not me."


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## WhatInThe (Sep 9, 2015)

applecruncher said:


> Leaks can be useful, and they often pop up accidentally.  Betrayers often think they are clever, but the fact is they're not very good at choosing who to trust or in concealing themselves.
> 
> Remember Fredo Corleone (Godfather 2)?  :wink:



That's the point though. If I'm giving certain people information I know it won't stay confidential and/or it's an issue that basically everyone already knows about it but won't talk about it. I've also used false leaks to find a leak. Works great in the workplace especially.


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## imp (Sep 9, 2015)

Here is my purpose in asking the OP question. Interviewed in Indiana where I was Plant Engineer for Dana Corp. by the R & D Director of Penn Athletic Products Co., in Phoenix, for a position with Penn, Mr. Director asked me if I would object to his verifying my employment history with Dana. After thinking a moment, obviously, such a move on my part would alert Dana to my "looking", so I told him yes, I prefer he would not. We had this interview at a snazzy restaurant in Ft. Wayne the evening after I had toured him through my Plant, to view the automated molding machine (Penn manufactures molded rubber parts: Tennis Balls!) I had co-designed and built.

Next day at the Plant, about noontime, the Personnel Mgr. paged me to her office, where she and our boss, the Plant Manager, had met to demand of me, why some guy called from Phoenix asking for employment information about me! So Mr. Director had LIED to me, straight out! He had not counted on the fact that our plant's management team was crooked as hell! Within a day or so, he called me, and made the job offer; that is how my new wife and I wound up in Phoenix, my new boss starting out in the unenviable position, in my mind, of being a liar, up front!   imp


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## Cookie (Sep 9, 2015)

Sometimes it may be a necessary to share some information that someone wants to keep secret, such as an illness in the family that has genetic implications.  My cousin didn't want anyone to know that her son has an illness but told my sister, in confidence. When I asked about the boy my sister got angry at me for what she considered to be prying and refused to tell me anything, stating that it was none of my business.  I found out through other means anyway, but when I called my sister on it she couldn't understand why I felt it was so important to share this information.


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## imp (Sep 9, 2015)

WhatInThe said:


> That's the point though. If I'm giving certain people information I know it won't stay confidential and/or it's an issue that basically everyone already knows about it but won't talk about it. *I've also used false leaks to find a leak*. Works great in the workplace especially.



Devious! Clever! Can leaks be divulged without out-and-out lying, though? 'Cause, I can NEVER tell a lie!  

imp


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## imp (Sep 9, 2015)

Cookie said:


> Sometimes it may be a necessary to share some information that someone wants to keep secret, such as an illness in the family that has genetic implications.  My cousin didn't want anyone to know that her son has an illness but told my sister, in confidence. When I asked about the boy my sister got angry at me for what she considered to be prying and refused to tell me anything, stating that it was none of my business.  I found out through other means anyway, but when I called my sister on it *she couldn't understand why I felt it was so important to share this information*.



Understand completely. It has been my experience in my dysfunctional family that common sense, understanding, and compassion, go derailed due to foolish squabbling and innuendos.   imp


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## Cookie (Sep 9, 2015)

Thanks, imp, sometimes looking for understanding and intelligent communication within such a family is like hitting your head on a brick wall. 

And as for your new Director, he gave you an offer that you couldn't refuse.  These days, what I have observed and has been my experience, Personnel in Corporations would not provide references to a potential employer, other than to say that someone had worked there, to guard against getting sued for a negative referral.


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## WhatInThe (Sep 9, 2015)

imp said:


> Devious! Clever! Can leaks be divulged without out-and-out lying, though? 'Cause, can NEVER tell a lie!
> 
> imp



Actually I never had to tell a lie to find the workplace butt suck spy. I would just do things differently with different people and see what made it back to management or fodder for the chatty Paties. Also certain people I would never divulge or tell certain things and others I would


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## jujube (Sep 9, 2015)

I learned long ago that my mother cannot keep a secret.  Now I don't tell her anything that I don't want the rest of the family to hear immediately.


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## imp (Sep 9, 2015)

*Also Mucho Good!*

Clever! And a bit devious! How I love the "workplace drama"! Made dreary hours pass easily. Now, though, so many have passed, that I fear the indistinguishable arm beckoning me......imp


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## deesierra (Nov 16, 2015)

I have naively trusted a few people with confidences over the years because they seemed trustworthy and I needed a sounding board. It came back to haunt me in most instances. 
I would never EVER repeat confidences shared. That's small-minded, immature, and just plain wrong. Prefacing a confidence with "please keep this to yourself" is totally unnecessary with me. I treat people as I wish to be treated myself. My wonderful mother (rest her soul) raised me with the Golden Rule :sentimental:


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## SifuPhil (Nov 16, 2015)

I had a confidence betrayed _once_ by a close friend - that whole thing about the chipmunks, the hamburger buns and the WD-40.

That friend won't be saying anything ever again. 

I'm old-school. :nonchalance:


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## Shalimar (Nov 16, 2015)

Eek! Philly, you were there!


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## SifuPhil (Nov 16, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Eek! Philly, you were there!



Shhhhhhh ... yes, I was ... I was the guy wearing the pirate outfit and drinking rum ...


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