# Friendly Advice Needed



## Packerjohn (Feb 4, 2021)

My daughter, age 35, has recently left her husband & seeking a divorce.  She has hinted that she would like to go back to school & work part time.  Right now she lives in a city that is 1,400 km away & it is a big city.  I live in a small town of 2,0000.  She is hinting that this arrangement might be up to 2 years.  Now, the truth is that I will be 75 in 2 months & I have been living alone since the death of my dear wife & I like being alone.  The problem is that I don't know if I want to be a father to a 35 year old woman.  It is not the same when I was young & bringing up the kids.  I don't have the energy anymore.  I think it might be better to say no up front.  Besides, I live in a 55 plus apartment & this is not a multi-generation building.  The advice I'm asking for is what do you think?  Do any of you have had this experience?  If not, maybe you have knowledge of other families or neighbours who have experienced this?  I would appreciate some advice.   Thanks to all for any advice.


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## Gaer (Feb 4, 2021)

In my opinion, (and take my opinion with a grain of salt)  I'd tell her no, This is a 55 plus apartment.  At 35,she is to find her own way.  I'm sure you raised her to have self-sufficiency.  What people would LIKE to do, and what they HAVE to do may not be the same.
You can  tell her this lovingly.  It sounds like you've already made up your mind. Listen to  your gut feeling.


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## fuzzybuddy (Feb 4, 2021)

You are happy, now.  If she moves in you'll have to move out. You're  75. I think a 35  year old person can fill out her own student loan application.


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## RadishRose (Feb 4, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> I don't know if I want to be a father to a 35 year old woman.


A 35 year old woman doesn't need a father. No energy required. 
If my residence allowed it, I would.

If we didn't get along, that's a different story.


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## terry123 (Feb 4, 2021)

It would be better to say no upfront.  I am 74 and would not like the idea at all.  I am used to living alone also and it would not work for me.  She is old enough to handle her own affairs.


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## Murrmurr (Feb 4, 2021)

My son, 44, let his 23yr old son move back home until he could find another job, 6 weeks tops. That was almost 2 years ago. He plays video games a lot. He wrecked his car - not on his way to a job interview. He finally got a part-time job and started a course at the local community college, but it's been a _long_ 6 weeks (and it's not over yet).


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## Pepper (Feb 4, 2021)

@Murrmurr 
You were your son's father at 21 and your son was 21 when he had the son you're talking about. Your grandson is late to keep up the tradition!

(sorry for the interruption)


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## Murrmurr (Feb 4, 2021)

Pepper said:


> @Murrmurr
> You were your son's father at 21 and your son was 21 when he had the son you're talking about. Your grandson is late to keep up the tradition!
> 
> (sorry for the interruption)


And his son is well aware of that


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## Lee (Feb 4, 2021)

I see so many roadblocks to this. You have the perfect excuse to say no to her because your building is 55plus. Tell her to wait 20 years and you will consider it then   

This is one of those times to stand firm and stick to what you know is best for you.

Offer to look around before she actually comes to see what is available in accommodation in her price range.
Ask what she would prefer, would she like to be close by you or in another city, that type of thing.


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## hollydolly (Feb 4, 2021)

No, unless she was completely homeless and potless, and had nowhere to sleep, and then only for a short time till she found work to pay the rent... ... otherwise I would say No if I were you ... at 75 in a 55+ retirement village, preferring your own company, and now happy in your own ways , it could destroy your good relationship....


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## Marie5656 (Feb 4, 2021)

*Check the rules of your building. Some do not allow under 55 people unless it is a spouse.  Plus, living with an adult child can be hard..especially if you want to set boundries or house rules.*


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## SeaBreeze (Feb 4, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> No, unless she was completely homeless and potless, and had nowhere to sleep, and then only for a short time till she found work to pay the rent... ... otherwise I would say No if I were you ... at 75 in a 55+ retirement village, preferring your own company, and now happy in your own ways , it could destroy your good relationship....


I agree with Holly, at your age and living in a senior village, you don't need to explain too much.  If she was homeless, broke and living in the streets it would be different, but even then having her in your situation is not ideal, if even possible.  Sometimes we need to think of what is best for us at our age, it's not being cruel to others at all.  Life is short, good luck.


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## izzy (Feb 4, 2021)

Thankfully I think the decision has been made for you as it is against the rules for her to live with you.  Sure she must be going through a terrible time at the moment so all you can really do as her dad is be there to give her a hug and help her find somewhere else to live.  Good luck to you both.


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## Pecos (Feb 4, 2021)

Don't get roped into something like this unless there are young Grandchildren in the equation.

In addition to the rules of the building, you probably has a social life that would be completely disrupted.
You could easily slip into the situation of cleaning up after her and doing her laundry.

I love my adult children, but I would never live with either one of them.

My wife's response: "No Way Jose."


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## tbeltrans (Feb 4, 2021)

I don't understand this trend of adult kids moving back home.  When I was growing up, it was a sign of adulthood to us kids to leave home as soon as possible - and not come back.  When I was working full time, it seemed quite common for kids to still be living at home well into their 20s or even later.  These co-workers complained that they couldn't get rid of their kids.  Weird!

Tony


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## izzy (Feb 4, 2021)

Alas sometimes people's lives do not turn out the way they expected ie abusive partner etc.  Whether your child is 4 or 40 they are and always will be your child and therefore if you can help you should even if it does mean they have to come and live with you.  Just my opinion


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## Jules (Feb 4, 2021)

Very similar conversation to what a friend had to have with his granddaughter who was in her mid 30s.  She wanted him to sell his house and buy a different one so she could live with him.  She had said her father wouldn’t let her move in.


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## Aunt Bea (Feb 4, 2021)

I myself would offer what help I could short of having her move in with me.

I would also not expect any assistance from her if my health started to fail and I needed some form of live-in assistance in the future.

Good luck to both of you.


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## tbeltrans (Feb 4, 2021)

Since I am not a parent, I don't have to deal with that kind of situation.  My parents felt that their job raising us was done by the time we were 18, and off we go.  But, then, when it was time for them to go into assisted living, they took care of that themselves rather than burdening us with all those issues.  I thought they were quite fair on both counts.  For us to grow up, we needed to be on our own, dealing with the consequences of our choices.  Apparently, things are different now and since I don't have kids, I am not tuned into whatever changes have taken place in families since I left home.

Tony


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## Pepper (Feb 4, 2021)

tbeltrans said:


> they took care of that themselves rather than *burdening* us with all those issues.
> 
> Tony


Burdening.  Burden.  Sorry, Tony, it was a joy to help my parents, and I won't go into my "burdens."  I was glad to be there to help.  Would be ecstatic to help them again, but I can't, so.................wish you chose another word, a word other than burden.


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## izzy (Feb 4, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Burdening.  Burden.  Sorry, Tony, it was a joy to help my parents, and I won't go into my "burdens."  I was glad to be there to help.  Would be ecstatic to help them again, but I can't, so.................wish you chose another word, a word other than burden.


Yes I agree family whether young or old should never be considered a burden.


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## tbeltrans (Feb 4, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Burdening.  Burden.  Sorry, Tony, it was a joy to help my parents, and I won't go into my "burdens."  I was glad to be there to help.  Would be ecstatic to help them again, but I can't, so.................wish you chose another word, a word other than burden.


That is the word my parents used, so that is the word I used.  I don't have any particular feelings about the situation either way.  I help people in our condo association all the time and don't consider it a burden.

Tony


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## tbeltrans (Feb 4, 2021)

izzy said:


> Yes I agree family whether young or old should never be considered a burden.


Please read my response to Pepper.

Tony


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## Pepper (Feb 4, 2021)

tbeltrans said:


> That is the word my parents used, so that is the word I used.
> 
> Tony


I still love you, Tony!


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## tbeltrans (Feb 4, 2021)

Pepper said:


> I still love you, Tony!


All of us have different family situations and I think we should keep that in mind when judging our response to each other.  When it comes to another's family, remember that we are on the outside looking in.  A little clarification never hurts.

Tony


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## Pepper (Feb 4, 2021)

The word burden hit me in the heart.  No big deal, @tbeltrans, no worries.  Just expressing myself.


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## tbeltrans (Feb 4, 2021)

Pepper said:


> The word burden hit me in the heart.  No big deal, @tbeltrans, no worries.  Just expressing myself.


No problem.  I think we cleared it up in a jiffy.   

My parents had 10 kids.  Though I am not certain about my mother, I know with certainty that my dad didn't want kids at all.  I won't go into all that, but suffice it to say that I am sure this attitude contributed to that aspect of our parents to my siblings and I.  As I said, family dynamics are quite different from family to family.  

It seems, based on what you have said, that your family is/was probably a lot closer than mine.  Since our situation is what I grew up in and seemed normal to me, I don't feel deprived of anything about it.

Tony


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## Keesha (Feb 4, 2021)

From reading your reaction, saying NO is a complete sentence but considering it’s family you may wish to explain that you are quite happy living alone. One needs to always honour their own wishes first. Perhaps over time your feelings might change but if they don’t, at least you won’t be resenting her for a decision you made.


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## tbeltrans (Feb 4, 2021)

Keesha said:


> From reading your reaction, saying NO is a complete sentence but considering it’s family you may wish to explain that you are quite happy living alone. One needs to always honour their own wishes first. Perhaps over type your feelings might change but if they don’t, at least you won’t be resenting her for a decision you made.


In responding to your post, I am assuming that your post was referring to the OP.  In that assumption, I agree completely with your advice here.

Tony


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## Keesha (Feb 4, 2021)

tbeltrans said:


> In responding to your post, I am assuming that your post was referring to the OP.  In that assumption, I agree completely with your advice here.
> 
> Tony


Yes sir. T’was not meant for you Tony.


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## tbeltrans (Feb 4, 2021)

Keesha said:


> Yes sir. T’was not meant for you Tony.


I didn't think it was (but wanted to be sure), but I did want to agree with your assessment.   

Tony


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## Ruth n Jersey (Feb 4, 2021)

If it weren't for the 55 and over housing situation I would let her move in. I am basing this on my own kids though. They would most certainly help out while they were with me and I know I would enjoy their company. 
Moving would not be an option for me and my kids would understand that.
I can't seem to get the idea of kicking them out when they are 18. They are my children for life.


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## Sassycakes (Feb 4, 2021)

After my Dad passed away I made my 80yr old mother move in with me. I felt better with her living with me. On the other hand my Mom wasn't happy and said she would rather live with my sister. A few years after she passed away my son who was 40 yrs old got a divorce. He moved in with me and my husband. He lived with us for 2 yrs. Every other weekend he had his 2 sons. I loved having my grandson's there too.
The decision is your choice.


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## MarciKS (Feb 4, 2021)

Mine took me in when I was in my 30s and readying for divorce. I had no place else to go at the time and no job. I got a job and helped pay rent until I could afford my own place. I think I was there a year. I was having a time adjusting and mom kept me going. 

However if that's a senior living place they may not appreciate that. Is she not going to be able to work part time or anything?


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## terry123 (Feb 4, 2021)

Since it is against the rules where you live, its a no brainer!


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## Tish (Feb 4, 2021)

IMHO be upfront with her and say no.


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## Gary O' (Feb 4, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> I would appreciate some advice.


Most times those situations don't come out so good

Best to say no upfront instead of later on 'this isn't working', when your place has become her place


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## Aneeda72 (Feb 5, 2021)

I would let her move in, she might need her mom/dad.  She might feel safer with you.  If my place didn’t allow her to move in, I’d move and we would share a place.  My child is my child.  My daughter has let let her adult adopted daughters move back home several times despite their issues and misbehaviors.

Recently, my daughter, offered to travel to another state, pick up her homeless daughter who was sick, and rent her an apartment since the stupid girl did not want to live with her mothers rules.  The girl refused.  Her daughter had heart surgery, then went back to sleep at the homeless shelter.

My daughter has adopted her other adopted daughters daughter.  My daughter was not planning on having a 2 year old at the age of 48; which means an 18 year old at age 64.

Having said this, you have to do what is right for you, and you have to live with the decision.


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## AprilSun (Feb 5, 2021)

If she's just hinting, I wouldn't say anything but if she should ask, I would tell her that I don't want to be made to move from this place because I didn't follow rules. Then explain to her that it is a 55 plus apartment and that you don't think you should break the rules of any kind but especially the age rule.


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## Packerjohn (Feb 5, 2021)

I have carefully & slowly read all the responses & I thank everyone for your input.  It appears that nearly 90% of the posters votes NO!  I agree.  My daughter is not desperate since she & her ex have a house for the last 10 years & will be selling it.  The point that I live in a 55 plus apartment means that she is welcome to come & stay here for a few days only as a guest.  However, she cannot move in.  It is against the rules.  Other considerations are that if need be I am willing & able to help her financially to move into an apartment.  Also, who can say what the future might bring.  Although I am happy to be single right now; in the future I just might met a "nice lady" who I just might want to bring home for a glass of wine & some of my "world famous" chili.  LOL  Having a judgemental daughter would cause complications that I no longer need at my age.  I don't want to hear, "Dad, your too old for this" or "Dad, she is only after your money."

I also agree that when I was young we all left home ASAP.  I headed for university & only returned home for a short visit.  These days it seems that kids are coming home to live again every time something goes wrong in their lives.  Anyway, it was interesting reading all the comments.  We all need some "common sense" these days because common sense is getting less and less common as the years go by.  Amen!


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## Kathleen’s Place (Feb 5, 2021)

I’ve thought and thought about this, and I still don’t know, Packerjohn.  I think, knowing me, that if I weren’t living in a over 50 community, it would be an immediate yes. But the fact that you are makes me pause. 

If you would have to move, then absolutely no. But even if they would allow her to move in with you, it doesn’t seem like the best environment for her, and would mostly likely change your status within the community. 

If she just wants to be there to be close to someone she loves while she gets over the divorce, then I think you should let her come.  Not move in with you, but get her own place and you be the moral support and give her the encouragement she needs.


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## Remy (Feb 5, 2021)

You certainly can and in my opinion, should tell her no. I graduated from college in my 30's. One advantage for myself going back to school later was parental income was not a consideration. Since I was low income, I got grants, loans and worked part time. 

She can do it on her own. I have also known people who had much more debt than me because they lived off their loans and took out much more many than I did. My overall student loan debt was low and I paid it off fast. It sounds like she is willing to work and that is good. She can rent a place, a room, share a rental. She'll do it. She doesn't need to live with you.


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## Ruby Rose (Feb 5, 2021)

Pecos said:


> Don't get roped into something like this unless there are young Grandchildren in the equation.
> 
> In addition to the rules of the building, you probably has a social life that would be completely disrupted.
> You could easily slip into the situation of cleaning up after her and doing her laundry.
> ...


I have to put my two cents in here...when  my husband passed away many years ago, the offer was on the table for me to move into either one of my daughters' home complete with grandchildren, etc. I refused in a gentle way of course...didn't want to offend, and being an independent spirit, super efficient, bossy and all, I simply knew it would never work. I took care of all...sold the house, which was a piece of cake as I had prepared and sold so many others during our vagabond lives, etc. and decided to pack up, hire a truck and move to the Prairies. No regrets.


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## Aneeda72 (Feb 5, 2021)

My daughter stayed with us for a few days before she moved to Texas.  Her, her husband, my granddaughter, my great granddaughter and six poodles, her fur babies.  I wanted to kill myself  but we all survived.

When they came for vacation they had to stay with us because of the fur babies, and it went better this time as granddaughter had stayed behind.  Granddaughter is a difficult person.  We mostly just dog sat the fur babies while they went off to visit friends.  She took the human baby with them.

Could I do it on a full time basis, yes, would I be happy to do it, no.  .  I think @Packerjohn you made the right decision for you.  I would make the wrong decision for me, probably.  Just can not say no to the daughter.


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## Ruby Rose (Feb 5, 2021)

Sassycakes said:


> After my Dad passed away I made my 80yr old mother move in with me. I felt better with her living with me. On the other hand my Mom wasn't happy and said she would rather live with my sister. A few years after she passed away my son who was 40 yrs old got a divorce. He moved in with me and my husband. He lived with us for 2 yrs. Every other weekend he had his 2 sons. I loved having my grandson's there too.
> The decision is your choice.


That sounds like a deja vu...my Mom moved in with me and my husband when she was 79yr (my dad had passed many years before that) because she didn't want to live with my younger brother and new wife....then lo and behold, my son returned home for a bit. She then declared she could not stay unless I was alone...objected to my husband and son being in house as well. So, what a to do...I simply helped her move on to another one of my brothers where she pretty well stayed until the end. She liked his wife because she was a hairdresser and kept Mom's hair up. Perhaps an element of jealousy...didn't want to share me...to this day, I still wonder about all of that.


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## Ruby Rose (Feb 5, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> My daughter stayed with us for a few days before she moved to Texas.  Her, her husband, my granddaughter, my great granddaughter and six poodles, her fur babies.  I wanted to kill myself  but we all survived.
> 
> When they came for vacation they had to stay with us because of the fur babies, and it went better this time as granddaughter had stayed behind.  Granddaughter is a difficult person.  We mostly just dog sat the fur babies while they went off to visit friends.  She took the human baby with them.
> 
> Could I do it on a full time basis, yes, would I be happy to do it, no.  . I think @Packerjohn you made the right decision for you. I would make the wrong decision for me, probably. Just can not say no to the daughter.


I have to admit I would not be able to handle what you did...too many in-house...I like my space...I probably would give them a house key and check myself into a nice hotel...but come home for meals and then really hope that they would clean up before they left.


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## Knight (Feb 5, 2021)

The best reason to say no
"I have been living alone since the death of my dear wife & I like being alone."

No reason to check to see if this can be altered.
"I think it might be better to say no up front. Besides, I live in a 55 plus apartment & this is not a multi-generation building. "

Hinting is a sign of immaturity. At 35 she should come straight out and say what she wants. If it was possible for you to get permission for her to live in 55 plus apartment with you. What happens to your liking to live alone if she starts enjoying the single life again?


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## Nathan (Feb 5, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> the truth is that I will be 75 in 2 months & I have been living alone since the death of my dear wife & *I like being alone*.


It's a tough call, but after some thought I think I'd just say- "no, sorry".....then pour yourself a scotch.


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## Jules (Feb 5, 2021)

tbeltrans said:


> I don't understand this trend of adult kids moving back home. When I was growing up, it was a sign of adulthood to us kids to leave home as soon as possible - and not come back.


Tony, back in the days when most of us were young, our parents had their rules and we abided by them.  We were ready to go out on our own and establish our own lifes. Houses were smaller.  Curfews.  Chores.  Could you imagine bringing your girlfriend home for the night or the weekend.  It wouldn’t have happened with my parents.  It’s often the norm now.


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## Rosemarie (Feb 5, 2021)

PackerJohn.....the very fact that you are asking this question, plus your opening message shows clearly how you feel about this. Say 'no'. You know it's what you want to say and most of us agree with you.


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## mellowyellow (Feb 6, 2021)

I think it all depends on how much you love her and how much she loves you.


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## Pepper (Feb 6, 2021)

Nathan said:


> It's a tough call, but after some thought I think I'd just say- "no, sorry".....then *pour yourself a scotch.*


Don't forget to pour one for your daughter, too!


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## Lewkat (Feb 6, 2021)

At this point, I'd say your mind is already made up an at age 35 his daughter should be mature enough to understand his position. I would hope she wouldn't try to blackmail you with, "you don't love me" nonsense.  Trying to give him a guilty conscience.  Be firm Packer.


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## Aneeda72 (Feb 6, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> I think it all depends on how much you love her and how much she loves you.


I would disagree.  It depends on how much, as an older person, you can tolerate.  My daughter, her 6 yappy toy poodles which I babysat as they ran around town.  While she was here she bought a standard poodle puppy so we had her 7 dogs and my two dogs.  

Nine dogs, a 2 year old, her and her husband for a week and a half, my husband and me.  plus they are vegetarians and we are not.    It’s not about love, it’s about how much you can/want to tolerate.


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## JustBonee (Feb 6, 2021)

If you love your daughter and want to continue to have a close relationship,   keep 'space'  between you two.

I love my  grown daughters and stay in close contact,  but if we lived under the same roof now I just know it would turn ugly ...lol ... they say it wouldn't,  but I've seen  those living conditions,  and they  don't work for anyone for very long.


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## Aunt Marg (Feb 6, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> My daughter, age 35, has recently left her husband & seeking a divorce.  She has hinted that she would like to go back to school & work part time.  Right now she lives in a city that is 1,400 km away & it is a big city.  I live in a small town of 2,0000.  She is hinting that this arrangement might be up to 2 years.  Now, the truth is that I will be 75 in 2 months & I have been living alone since the death of my dear wife & I like being alone.  The problem is that I don't know if I want to be a father to a 35 year old woman.  It is not the same when I was young & bringing up the kids.  I don't have the energy anymore.  I think it might be better to say no up front.  Besides, I live in a 55 plus apartment & this is not a multi-generation building.  The advice I'm asking for is what do you think?  Do any of you have had this experience?  If not, maybe you have knowledge of other families or neighbours who have experienced this?  I would appreciate some advice.   Thanks to all for any advice.


A parents love runs strong, we always want to be there for our children, however, based upon the fact that you reside in a 55-plus complex, that in itself changes the dynamics of the situation, as does knowing that you enjoy living alone.

If you owned your own home and could split living arrangements where you got the up, and she got the down (or vice-versa), how simple that would be, but considering your current living situation, I feel it would be in your favour to decline.


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## Packerjohn (Feb 6, 2021)

Nathan said:


> It's a tough call, but after some thought I think I'd just say- "no, sorry".....then pour yourself a scotch.


Actually, "Sailor Jerry" rum would do the trick.  LOL


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## Phoenix (Feb 6, 2021)

Be true to yourself @Packerjohn.  She's a big girl now.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Feb 6, 2021)

Ruby Rose said:


> I simply helped her move on to another one of my brothers where she pretty well stayed until the end. She liked his wife because she was a hairdresser and kept Mom's hair up. Perhaps an element of jealousy...didn't want to share me...to this day, I still wonder about all of that.


Hahahahaha-this made me think of my mom,Ruby. She fixed my newly divorced brother up with her hairdresser and they fell madly in love and married two months later (his 3rd,her 4th). But they were happily married for 30 years until she passed suddenly five years ago. My mom had four daughters but once she met Cathy and she became her DIL,we always swore she was her favorite.She looooved always having her hair freshly "done" lol.


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## Butterfly (Feb 7, 2021)

Packerjohn, I think you've made the right decision.


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## Youngatheart (Feb 12, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> My daughter, age 35, has recently left her husband & seeking a divorce.  She has hinted that she would like to go back to school & work part time.  Right now she lives in a city that is 1,400 km away & it is a big city.  I live in a small town of 2,0000.  She is hinting that this arrangement might be up to 2 years.  Now, the truth is that I will be 75 in 2 months & I have been living alone since the death of my dear wife & I like being alone.  The problem is that I don't know if I want to be a father to a 35 year old woman.  It is not the same when I was young & bringing up the kids.  I don't have the energy anymore.  I think it might be better to say no up front.  Besides, I live in a 55 plus apartment & this is not a multi-generation building.  The advice I'm asking for is what do you think?  Do any of you have had this experience?  If not, maybe you have knowledge of other families or neighbours who have experienced this?  I would appreciate some advice.   Thanks to all for any advice.


I would say 'yes'.


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## fuzzybuddy (Feb 19, 2021)

I don't think we are talking about the daughter just moving back with her  75 year old father. I went to a state college, and had to work fulltime., just to pay for books, plus get loans. I'm trying to understand how working part time is going to pay for school, books, food, car insurance, etc,. etc. I believe his daughter should be able to go to school, without having her 75 year old dad give up his home.


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