# Pastor's wife very aloof



## debodun (Feb 16, 2017)

It's just bugging me about her. To me a pastor's wife is like a politician's wife - they should be friendly and outgoing to maintain an amicable public image. 

A few weeks ago was her birthday, so when I saw her at the service, I wished her a happy birthday. Well, she looked at me like I threw a pail of horse urine in her face. She turned and walked away without saying a word. 

And at the church Christmas party, she sat in the corner an knitted the whole time; not speaking to anyone and never taking her eyes off her knitting. Makes me wonder why she bothered to attend. She always sits in the back if the church and, to my knowledge, never initiates a conversation. I know she's not a deaf/mute.

I know you can't say because you don't know her, but maybe speculate why she acts this way.


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## jujube (Feb 16, 2017)

Perhaps she doesn't enjoy being a pastor's wife.  Not everyone is cut out for the job.....I'd venture to say that _few_ are really good at it. 

I greatly admired our pastor's wife as I was growing up (her daughter was one of my best friends and I looked on her as my "second mother").  She was kind, steady, diplomatic, and put up with a lot.  She liked to wear red lipstick and bright colors, which was alright in my church, but she told me that in one of their earlier churches, she was severely criticized for how she dressed, wore lipstick and liked costume jewelry and bright scarves.  She said that when she got pregnant and started showing, one of the older ladies took her aside one day and expressed horror that "Reverend ________ was _that_ kind of man!" 

It's a hard job and I doubt very many young women wake up one day and declare, "Wow, I think I'll become a preacher's wife!  It'll be so much fun to be on duty 365 days a year and try to please everybody all the time! Too bad leap year only occurs every four years."  

The young man I was madly in love with in high school went on to be a Baptist minister and is still my best friend forever.  I thank God he found the right woman to be his helpmeet in his career because, frankly, I would have sucked at it.


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## Aunt Bea (Feb 16, 2017)

I agree with jujube, it's a tough life.  

No matter what the poor woman does someone in the congregation will find fault with her.

That is one of the reasons that I avoid church religiously, LOL!


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## exwisehe (Feb 16, 2017)

Fortunately, I've never seen a pastor's wife like that.  I've had about 8 of them in my life.  All have been very nice.


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## Butterfly (Feb 16, 2017)

Well, I guess it's kind of like we were saying the other day about Mrs. Trump -- the husband has the job, not the wife, and she doesn't really have any obligation to do anything.

Our pastor's wife is very nice, but she does her own thing -- she has a full time job and of course has her kiddos.  She participates in some things, but not anywhere near everything, and there are a couple of very unpleasant women she avoids like the plague (so do I).  I guess if the church wants a hostess and organizer and greeter, they should pay her for it if they want her to do it. 

I never understood why some people are so "judge-y" about pastors' wives.


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## Ken N Tx (Feb 17, 2017)

No problem with mine as my Pastor is Catholic..


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## nvtribefan (Feb 17, 2017)

Maybe she's an introvert.


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## Brookswood (Feb 17, 2017)

Whatever the problem is I seriously doubt if the church members are the cause of it or can fix it. 

It could be anything from marital problems to a physical ailment that affects one's personality.  In any event, I assume the church hired the pastor for his services, not his wife.


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## OneEyedDiva (Feb 27, 2017)

Wow...not only was she rude...she displayed a character unbecoming to a minister's wife. I experienced a similar thing once, but not with a preacher's wife. I was at the gym and one of the members had changed into a suit.  She was standing at the mirror and I told her that the suit looked nice in her. She looked at me and never responded. She never spoke to me when I entered the gym like the other ladies. So I said later for her. When people act like that toward me, I act like they don't even exist because in the greater scheme of things...they don't !


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## OneEyedDiva (Feb 27, 2017)

Butterfly said:


> Well, I guess it's kind of like we were saying the other day about Mrs. Trump -- the husband has the job, not the wife, and she doesn't really have any obligation to do anything.
> 
> Our pastor's wife is very nice, but she does her own thing -- she has a full time job and of course has her kiddos.  She participates in some things, but not anywhere near everything, and there are a couple of very unpleasant women she avoids like the plague (so do I).  I guess if the church wants a hostess and organizer and greeter, they should pay her for it if they want her to do it.
> 
> I never understood why some people are so "judge-y" about pastors' wives.



Butterfly, she has an obligation as a human being to at least be courteous, especially when someone is extending a kindness!


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## Butterfly (Feb 27, 2017)

Diva, you are absolutely correct, and I didn't mean to imply otherwise.  What I was attempting (poorly) to express was that I've been in churches where the pastor's wife is expected to be completely involved in everything and be the "perfect" pastor's wife, whatever the parishoners think that is, and it's not fair to her.  I've seen pastors' wives judged very harshly because they "don't do enough" or don't participate enough.


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## OneEyedDiva (Mar 1, 2017)

Butterfly said:


> Diva, you are absolutely correct, and I didn't mean to imply otherwise.  What I was attempting (poorly) to express was that I've been in churches where the pastor's wife is expected to be completely involved in everything and be the "perfect" pastor's wife, whatever the parishoners think that is, and it's not fair to her.  I've seen pastors' wives judged very harshly because they "don't do enough" or don't participate enough.


I agree with you Butterfly. I think pastor's wives do face a certain expectation and I also agree they shouldn't have to live up to what others expect. Wondering too though, how much of it is that their husbands also expect them to become involved? Perhaps you didn't express it "poorly" at all, but it was that I was more focused on how she had treated Debodun.


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## debodun (Mar 1, 2017)

OneEyedDiva said:


> Perhaps you didn't express it "poorly" at all, but it was that I was more focused on how she had treated Debodun.



It's not just me....


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## Debby (Mar 3, 2017)

I don't think anybody has any obligation to anyone beyond accepting their right to safety and basic needs.  The other side of 'their obligation' is 'your expectation' and I firmly believe that if you go through life with expectations of other people, you WILL be disappointed and will have no one to blame but yourself for your hurt feelings.


We have always had little dogs or puppies underfoot so when people left our house, we would say goodbye inside, they would exit and we would shut the door immediately to prevent the mutts from scooting through.  Years later, I was accused with great hostility by my mother who has never had pets of any sort, of being anxious to see her leave because we always 'closed the door as soon as she stepped outside'.  She went through years of expectation that we should act a certain way, failed to take our lifestyle/circumstance into consideration and as a result had hurt feelings over the whole stupid thing.  Whose fault was that?  Her's and her's alone.

The minute you assume someone has an obligation to make you feel good, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.  That pastors wife may be intensely shy and while she may have fallen in love with her husband and they may be a terrific couple for each other, she may not be suited to the kind of position HE has.  Accept her as she is and she will more than likely appreciate that consideration and accept you as you are.


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## Iodine (Mar 21, 2017)

If I know someone doesn't want to talk to me I just leave them alone.  No sense if worrying why she acts the way she does.  Maybe she's knitting hats for new born babies and that's the way she serves.  Could be she wants no interaction with other humans.  So be it. She might hate what her husband does for a living and is hoping he'll leave and join her father's business or something.  It could be any one of a million different reasons.  Why wouldn't matter to me, I'd just leave her alone.


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## Lara (Mar 21, 2017)

Sounds to me like she has a social disorder of some sort or other mental disorder. There is no other reason for her to give you an epic mean look and turn to walk away when you said "happy birthday" to her. People with mental disorders often have another disorder that goes along with the first. It's complicated to diagnose and to treat correctly.


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## Robusta (Mar 21, 2017)

At the risk of being misogynist, here is my thought.  Possibly she is wary of the motive of some of the women in the congregation.  My son is an ordained Baptist minister and he and his wife have mentioned this several times over the years..Seems some of the females(married or not) look upon David as some type of cult leader or master and make no bones about the fact that they are willing and open to him at any time. Sarah says that a few have stepped between them and touched and fawned over him immediately in front of her. 
I think that would cause me to be a bit wary of other women if I was her.


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## Butterfly (Mar 21, 2017)

Iodine said:


> If I know someone doesn't want to talk to me I just leave them alone.  No sense if worrying why she acts the way she does.  Maybe she's knitting hats for new born babies and that's the way she serves.  Could be she wants no interaction with other humans.  So be it. She might hate what her husband does for a living and is hoping he'll leave and join her father's business or something.  It could be any one of a million different reasons.  Why wouldn't matter to me, I'd just leave her alone.



I agree Iodine.  Most of what other people do has absolutely nothing to do with us.  And I try not to be judgmental abut others' social behavior.  The pastor's wife doesn't have anything to do with why I would go to a church, anyway.  I would be going because of my faith and the theology of the pastor -- not because his wife was nice or not.


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## Butterfly (Mar 21, 2017)

Lara said:


> Sounds to me like she has a social disorder of some sort or other mental disorder. There is no other reason for her to give you an epic mean look and turn to walk away when you said "happy birthday" to her. People with mental disorders often have another disorder that goes along with the first. It's complicated to diagnose and to treat correctly.



Or maybe she was in a bad mood or had a migraine.  Just because somebody gives you what you interpret as a dirty look doesn't mean they have a mental disorder  -- that's carrying judgment a bit far, IMHO.


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## Butterfly (Mar 21, 2017)

Robusta said:


> At the risk of being misogynist, here is my thought.  Possibly she is wary of the motive of some of the women in the congregation.  My son is an ordained Baptist minister and he and his wife have mentioned this several times over the years..Seems some of the females(married or not) look upon David as some type of cult leader or master and make no bones about the fact that they are willing and open to him at any time. Sarah says that a few have stepped between them and touched and fawned over him immediately in front of her.
> I think that would cause me to be a bit wary of other women if I was her.



It would cause me to be wary, too.


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## Aunt Bea (Mar 22, 2017)

Butterfly said:


> Or maybe she was in a bad mood or had a migraine.  Just because somebody gives you what you interpret as a dirty look doesn't mean they have a mental disorder  -- that's carrying judgment a bit far, IMHO.



I agree, if that was the case I would have been _put away_ years ago, LOL!!!


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## Lara (Mar 23, 2017)

Butterfly said:


> Or maybe she was in a bad mood or had a migraine.  Just because somebody gives you what you interpret as a dirty look doesn't mean they have a mental disorder  -- that's carrying judgment a bit far, IMHO.


The OP stated this behaviour was on her birthday, at Christmastime, and..."She always sits in the back if the church and, to my knowledge, never initiates a conversation". Since debodun alluded to behaviour that is not an occasional bad mood or migraine, I replied with that in mind, to stay on topic.


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## Butterfly (Mar 24, 2017)

Sounds to me like the pastor's wife is someone who doesn't want to be there, or maybe feels obligated or pushed or manipulated to be there but resents the heck out of it.  If I were she I would just stay home.


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## Lara (Mar 24, 2017)

She's there for a reason or multiple reasons. I don't know what the reason is but I believe God has a perfect plan. Here are some possibilities. God says in the Bible, blessed are those who love the unloveable. He could be testing the church members in hopes they will reach out to her in love and friendship. I'm sure some members are and I'm sure God is pleased and will bless them for it...He may be holding out for some members who haven't yet reached out to her yet. Meanwhile, he's also doing a work in the Pastor's wife's heart.

Another reason might be that the Pastor may want her there because he loves her and is praying for her heart to soften. He may want her to enjoy a closer relationship with God. She probably doesn't want to be there, but the pastor knows that love and fellowship with others is healing. He may want her to hear his sermons too. God says the man is the spiritual leader in the family (if the man isn't then the woman becomes the spiritual leader of the family). A woman can express her opinion, the man should heavily consider it, and then be fair after much prayer...but he gets to make the final decision and it should be in obedience with God's will. This is in the book of Ephesians.


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## Knight (Mar 24, 2017)

I tend to look at people as individuals with a mind of their own. 

Having said that I wouldn't have this kind of expectation/

Quote
"It's just bugging me about her. To me a pastor's wife is like a politician's wife - they should be friendly and outgoing to maintain an amicable public image."

Her own  happiness is her 1st. priority. Expecting her to conform to what her husband does for public image sake seems kind of sexist to me. Getting to know her as an individual probably isn't possible since there seems to be a pre conceived notion of what her behavior "should" be.


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## Butterfly (Mar 24, 2017)

Knight said:


> I tend to look at people as individuals with a mind of their own.
> 
> Having said that I wouldn't have this kind of expectation/
> 
> ...



I agree, Knight.  She is a person herself -- not an appendage of the pastor, and I feel it is unfair and, yes, sexist, to expect her to be.


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