# Today I lost another vet friend to PTSD, don't know if I can keep doing this.



## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2015)

For many years,  and, to some extent today, it has been my privilege to work with Canadian veterans who suffer from severe PTSD. These brave men and women gave there all in defence of their country. Today, I lost another one to suicide. He was a para(paratrooper)'aka 'lawn dart'. My heart is broken.


----------



## AZ Jim (Mar 1, 2015)

Shalimar,  I hope you can find some peace in this time of depression.  Do you have an organization to turn to for help?


----------



## Ameriscot (Mar 1, 2015)

So sorry, Shalimar.  How tragic and sad.


----------



## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2015)

Thanks AZJim, yes, I do. I am part of that organization. This is part of the job, but it never gets any easier. This outcome is all too common in a disease that is rarely, if ever curable. Thank you so much for your kind support. These vets are my friends, and I walk the tightrope between compassion, and the objectivity necessary to be of service. Today, I fell. It is a hard landing.


----------



## AZ Jim (Mar 1, 2015)

Maybe one of these can help put things in prospective!

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/canada-suicide-hotlines.html


----------



## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2015)

Thanks, Ameriscot, first, I mourn, then, hopefully find the strength to continue to serve these people who mean so much to me.


----------



## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2015)

AZ Jim, you are truly sweet to offer such a thing, but suicide is never an option for me. I have watched far too many brave men and women struggle to stay alive, and find peace and purpose once again, to squander the life I have been given. They say wounded healers are the best, perhaps, I don't know. I honour your compassion, that much more coming from stranger.


----------



## AZ Jim (Mar 1, 2015)

When I was 25 I got a call at work.  Come home your Dad killed himself. I made a quick call to my wife asking her to meet me at my folks home.  When I arrived the Coroner was there bagging up my Dad.  I know what suicide does to the survivors.  I hope you are able to put things into prospective if not for yourself then for your vets.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Mar 1, 2015)

Very sorry to hear that sad news Shalimar.


----------



## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2015)

aZ Jim (sorry, my iPad is not cap-friendly at the moment), how absolutely horrendous an experience you endured, and yet what a compassionate man you became. I shall endeavour to deal with this, unfortunately the only way out is through. The price of humanity is often heartbreak, but I shudder to contemplate the cost of a lack of it.


----------



## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2015)

Sea Breeze, thank you so much for your support, I am feeling like a very small, somewhat helpless mermaid at the moment. I absolutely dread the memorial service coming up.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Mar 1, 2015)

That's terrible Jim, my condolences for the loss of your father.


----------



## AZ Jim (Mar 1, 2015)

Thank you.  It was 53 years ago.


----------



## Ameriscot (Mar 1, 2015)

AZ Jim said:


> When I was 25 I got a call at work.  Come home your Dad killed himself. I made a quick call to my wife asking her to meet me at my folks home.  When I arrived the Coroner was there bagging up my Dad.  I know what suicide does to the survivors.  I hope you are able to put things into prospective if not for yourself then for your vets.



How devastating, Jim.  Sorry you and your family had to go through that.


----------



## Ameriscot (Mar 1, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Thanks, Ameriscot, first, I mourn, then, hopefully find the strength to continue to serve these people who mean so much to me.



I can only imagine what a challenge it is to try to help people who went through so much.


----------



## AprilT (Mar 1, 2015)

What you do in your work is quite honorable, so sorry for this loss of this veteran and the pain and suffering this passing has been for you and those who cared for this person.  May this vet RIP.


----------



## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2015)

Thanks, Ameriscot, but there is an element of selfishness here I suppose, on some level. It is the only way I found to make sense of what was once (long ago), my own personal hell. On some level, we help each other, they know my story,so that creates a bond, because I have been there and come out the other side. One can do(endure) almost anything, if willing to pay the price. Today is a day of emotional bankruptcy, but not every day.


----------



## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2015)

Thank you so much, AprilT, for your lovely words. I don't know about honourable, perhaps we are all called to serve in different ways? I know how much I appreciate your laughter and zest for life. Unfortunately, my para, like so many vets in his position,was estranged from family, but I, and the rest of the paratroopers will honour his memory, as will the rest of the vets who use our services.


----------



## 911 (Mar 1, 2015)

I am really sorry for your loss and for all of your losses of your friends. I hope that you don't think that I am making this about me, but I became friends with a fellow Marine while serving in Vietnam. We fought together in the Tet Offensive in '68. My Division took some pretty hard hits and we lost a lot of men. On our last day before we were ordered back, my friend was sprayed by shrapnel from artillery. He lost a good bit of his face and his left arm up to the shoulder. How he lived, I will never know. I helped put him on the stretcher and laid what was left of his arm beside him before they loaded him onto the Huey and got him out of there. I finally connected with him when I got back to the states. Fortunately, we traded our contact information with one another just in case something like this or worse happened, if one of us survived, we were to call the others parents and tell them what happened. 

He led a terrible life, being all disfigured and alone. He finally went a bit crazy after a few years and at home, so they admitted him to the psych unit at the VA where he stayed for 2 years. His next move was to a VA Nursing home where he was until he committed suicide. I visited him as often as I could. He lived about 200 miles away in Virginia. The guy was just never right. Every time I visited, he wanted to talk about how it was when we were in the Marines. Sometimes, he made out like we were still in the Marines and we were on R&R. He thought the nurses were hotel maids. His mind was gone. I am a big strong man. I was in the Pennsylvania State Police for 37 years and commended on several occasions. He was also a big guy. Bigger and stronger than me. We called him Horse. I didn't cry often, but I would cry after each of our visits. If you would have known this man before and then after, you may have cried too. 

I fully understand and feel your pain. War is Hell!


----------



## AZ Jim (Mar 1, 2015)

911,  Your story brought to mind "Brians Song".  The story of Brian Picollo.  At his funeral, his best friend in the world, Gale Sayers with tears in his eyes said, "I loved Brian Picollo and I hope you'll love him too."  I know it's a different thing but it made me think of that touching friendship.  I'm a also a vet but not a combat survivor, thanks for your service.


----------



## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2015)

911, I am crying now, and that is ok. Your tears were the measure of your love for this man, and a sign of strength. In the work that I do, it is those who remain emotionally accessible on some level that usually fare the best. But some wounds are too great to overcome. Know that you brought your friend the love and comfort you could, and that when he was lucid enough, it meant everything to him. I know of so many vets completely abandoned. It is about you, it is about all who were/are affected.
please permit this small person to shed some tears for your pain as well, and, if you permit, a hug from the person the paras call the Teflon Tank!


----------



## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2015)

Thank you, AZ Jim, for the compliment. I am not a veteran of Amy recognized war. My 'war' was fought on the fields of childhood for many years. Out of fifteen, I am the only one who remains.even my 'lawn darts' consider me to have been a prisoner of war. However, the only relevance that this 
piece of old history has, is that I have a very real understanding of the effects of PTSD. It doesn't really matter which bus one took, the destination is the same. On a lighter note, when I finished therapy eons ago, my present to myself was the application of a small red tattoo, consisting of a red mortarboard just above flames, surrounded by letters U of H. Translation, graduate University of Hell! Lol


----------



## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2015)

Sorry AZ Jim, misread your post,not intending to intrude on the deserved thanks owed 911for his service, apologies to you,911as well, I am having an emotional day.


----------



## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2015)

I just heard a short time ago that another one of my guys is gone, domino affect, I guess. As well, two more have goe out for some fast food, these are the men who brought me the latest news. I can feel them teetering, they expect me to watch their six. I would give my life for any of my vets without question, they are family. I am less certain of my ability to convince them not to follow their brothers. This is only my second time in this particular situation, and the first  did not end well. Long night in the pit coming up. I feel so inadequate, I do not have any answers, only love, and time. At this point it seems arrogant yo believe that could be enough, but I have to try. I am grateful to this forum for the opportunity to verbalize this.  I am very afraid, but must persevere regardless. If guardian angels exist, I would like to borrow one please.


----------



## fishfulthinking (Sep 4, 2015)

I know this is an older thread but I just want to do a "reach out" for anyone interested.  (Please do not take this as any kind of personal gain promotion, I gain nothing by posting this, it' is merely awareness)  Wounded Warriors both in Canada and The United States is a program that aims to help All service men and women and their families with such things as PTSD, financial and benefit aid, support programs, etc.

I share this because I too have lost a family member due to Service Related PTSD, and have another who is struggling with it.


----------



## lb1818 (Sep 4, 2015)

AZ Jim, what a heartbreak for a young man to go through.  Hoping the years have given you peace.


----------



## lb1818 (Sep 4, 2015)

Shalimar, Thank you for your service to these troubled veterans.  You have a special heart.


----------



## Shalimar (Sep 4, 2015)

lb, thank you for your kind words. It has been and remains my priviledge to serve in this way.


----------



## ndynt (Sep 4, 2015)

I too am crying....how heart rending for the three of you.  Just too sad.


----------



## 911 (Apr 4, 2018)

This is the first time that I read the follow-up posts since I posted. Now, my eyes are swelled with tears again. 

I attended my friend’s funeral, which was closed casket for obvious reasons. But, I had to see and talk to him one more time to say good-bye and to have closure. I called the funeral home and asked if I could have a private viewing with the casket open. I also explained the circumstances as to why I wanted to do this. They were very reluctant to comply with my request because they did nothing cosmetically to him. I told them that I saw worse.

They finally agreed and I was able to tell my friend good-bye and that I will see him again someday.


----------



## Mizzkitt (Apr 4, 2018)

My thoughts are for healing prayers for all of you. I do know a man that is going through PTSD but unfortunately he does not get help that he desperately needs. He is like a ticking time bomb.


----------



## CindyLouWho (Apr 4, 2018)

I'm so sorry, 911, so difficult....peace & healing.


----------

