# Your kids divorce, what do you do with the daughter or son-in-law??



## Linda (Sep 24, 2015)

Your child brings home a new son or daughter for you to love and you do, then in a few years they divorce so what do you do?  My husband and I both love very deeply when we accept someone into our hearts.  Between our 4 children 3 of them have had 5 divorces and two close girlfriends that didn't lead to marriage.  Of those there are 5 people we are still close to, some more than others, but still we care for them and they for us.  Some of our kids aren't happy about this and some don't mind.  How has this worked out in your life?  Do your kids or their new spouse mind you are still close to their old X?  Where does your loyalty start and end where your own kids are concerned?


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## Warrigal (Sep 24, 2015)

We only have two children and our son's marriage failed. 
We remained close to our daughter in law even to the point of assisting her with legal costs during the divorce. 
We had good reason to do this.

We have assisted both parents with the extra demands of single parenting because we didn't want our grand sons to be disadvantaged.

Our daughter in law eventually remarried and we were  invited to her celebrations post the wedding - there were only a handful pf people at the wedding. Even her own mother was not present. Within a year her husband died from an aggressive melanoma and she was shattered. Through all of this pain we have maintained a very good relationship. We don't see each other all that often due to geography but when we do we are quite close.

There was no way that I was going to make an enemy of my grand sons mother but also, once someone had been enfolded into the family and become another of our children, how can you send them into exile? I would need to have a very good reason to do that.


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## Linda (Sep 24, 2015)

Dame Warrigal said:


> We only have two children and our son's marriage failed.
> We remained close to our daughter in law even to the point of assisting her with legal costs during the divorce.
> We had good reason to do this.
> 
> ...



Dame, you sound just like us.  I know it's not like that in all families but it is with us.


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## jujube (Sep 24, 2015)

I'm still close to my ex-son-in-law.  I like him a heck of a lot better than my present son-in-law.  'nuff said about that.
My sister's first husband is still my mother's favorite "son".  He's considered family and always will be.  The divorce wasn't his fault; most of the family was on his side.


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## Cookie (Sep 24, 2015)

I'm still friends with my ex-daughter-in-law, and my son still maintains a longstanding friendship with her.  We get together on birthdays and holidays and she lives close by, so its easy. 

When my ex and I split up, the in-laws blew my son and myself off, then when we got temporarily back together, they were friendly and accepting again, then when we finally split up for good they dumped us again, with no contact or help in any way, which is where it stands now. No loss for us.


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## RadishRose (Sep 26, 2015)

It can be a little sticky. I too had real love for my daughter in law; almost as if she was my own child, the daughter I never had-even after my sons divorce from her.

Some years later he remarried to a gal who was actually his first love from junior high! I am crazy about her too!

Eventually the 2 ladies happened to meet each other here in my home. It was less than ideal.  The first was pointedly jealous and condescending. The second; painfully shy, was ticked off but said nothing. My son had beads of sweat popping out on his forehead!

Bottom line, the second is a better match for my son, but what makes it worse is that the first said some really terrible things and outright lies to the second, and now my son cannot tolerate me having anything to do with her.


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## Warrigal (Sep 26, 2015)

Sticky is one way to describe it RR. For a long time I couldn't invite my son and his ex wife to family occasions because he would have refused to enter the house. My poor DIL had to miss out on a lot of special events or only get an invite when we knew that he wouldn't be in attendance. This was distressing to me but I waited, hoping the bitterness wouldn't last. Finally they both appeared at the funeral of a mutual friend and I now believe that there will be no more animosity shown when the grandsons marry or at my funeral. At least, I hope not.


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## Linda (Sep 26, 2015)

I hadn't even thought about it till I read Warrigal's post.  In early Nov we will be going to our grandson's wedding and his mom and his dad and new wife will all be there.  I'm not worried though, I think they will all act like adults.  My son and this X daughter-in-law have been divorced about 18 years so things have pretty well smoothed over.  He has another X but she lives in GA and they have no children together.  I think they'll just be so proud of their son that there will be no hard feelings.  I like this first daughter-in-law and email her regularly and go into the town she lives in (35 miles away) and go to movies or eat out together 3 or 4 times a year.


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## imp (Sep 26, 2015)

*"Dame, you sound just like us.  I know it's not like that in all families but it is with us"

*Lin, what I have seen in various families close to me boggles the mind. You would be amazed, I think. I shant go into details. No one having a difficult time need be told of yet more heartache elsewhere! Hang in!   imp


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## Butterfly (Oct 5, 2015)

My son and DIL (I love them both) are going through another rough patch and are talking divorce (this isn't the first time they have been in this place).  If they decide to do that it won't change how I feel about either one of them.  I've told them before, and will do so again if need be, that I'll not be dragged into the middle of it, nor will I take sides.   They'll do what they gotta do, but I'll still love both of them.  My affection for my DIL is not conditioned on whether on not she is the wife of my son, nor is my affection for my son conditioned on whether or not he stays married to her.


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## Warrigal (Oct 5, 2015)

We managed to get through a family wedding last Saturday with my son, his partner and his divorced wife all present plus their sons. Everything was civil if not exactly warm. I spent time with all of them.


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## Sassycakes (Oct 10, 2015)

Divorce is hard on everyone involved in it. My son and his wife got divorced a few years ago. I am still very close to my DIL. Most of my friends can't understand how I can bother with her after all the problems she has caused my Son and the rest of the family.  I can't change how I feel about her. While they were dating and then married I loved her very much. Her own mother had abandoned her when she was young,so she always said I was the mother she never had.She is the mother of my 2 grandson's that I love with all my heart. I will always be here for her. I have never said a harsh word about her and I never will. The good thing about it is that my son approves of my relationship with her,even after the harm she caused.


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## Pookie (Oct 10, 2015)

I toss ex-sons-in-law into the moat. The alligaters eat the evidence and besides, no jury in the world would convict us anyway.

My daughter is a responsible wife, mom, and registered nurse, very smart...but dumb as a brick when it comes to choosing men. The first hubby didn't tell her about his lengthy criminal record, but I spotted the "prison tats." He was mean to her and horrendously nasty to us. Long story short, it didn't last too long.

Now hubby #2 is a jerk! He called one time demanding to know what was in our wills, who the house was going to, is there money, etc., etc. He said he had to know because he and my daughter were planning their retirement.

I said, "None of your dang business! And by the way, after this call, you'd be very wise to plan your retirement without anything from us." I hung up on him.

I'd love to have a son-in-law I liked immensely. Sigh. She's an only child.

So we built this moat, bought some alligators.....


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## jujube (Oct 11, 2015)

Pookie said:


> I toss ex-sons-in-law into the moat. The alligaters eat the evidence and besides, no jury in the world would convict us anyway.
> 
> My daughter is a responsible wife, mom, and registered nurse, very smart...but dumb as a brick when it comes to choosing men. The first hubby didn't tell her about his lengthy criminal record, but I spotted the "prison tats." He was mean to her and horrendously nasty to us. Long story short, it didn't last too long.
> 
> ...



Oh, Pookie, I can understand.  I still like my former son-in-law but the one my only child is married to now.....well, I don't refer to him as my son-in-law, usually I just call him "The asshole my daughter married."  I've never understood what my daughter saw in him.  I have managed over the years to be civil to him, but now that my granddaughter (from her first marriage) is out on her own, I don't HAVE to be civil to him any more.  I think he realizes that and is somewhat nicer to me these days.  Luckily, I only have to see him once or twice a year.  Unfortunately, I don't see my daughter a whole lot more than that.


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## Warrigal (Oct 11, 2015)

"The asshole my daughter married" sounds a bit like the one my niece almost married. 
My sister referred to him as "fartface". He was never adopted into the family.


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## Linda (Oct 11, 2015)

Pookie, your son-in-law had a lot of nerve with that phone call!  If you only have one child, what did he think you were going to do with your estate?  Did he also ask you when you planned to die?  You should have said "We've already made out our wills and we are leaving everything to the local cat and dog shelter."     My son-in-law is the exact opposite of yours and we really appreciate him.  I hope our kids keep their current mates as I love all of them.  Not that it's any of my business, but do you ever talk to your daughter about how rude her husband is?  I realize that might be a tricky thing to do.


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## Pookie (Oct 11, 2015)

Linda said:


> Pookie, your son-in-law had a lot of nerve with that phone call!  If you only have one child, what did he think you were going to do with your estate?  Did he also ask you when you planned to die?  You should have said "We've already made out our wills and we are leaving everything to the local cat and dog shelter."     My son-in-law is the exact opposite of yours and we really appreciate him.  I hope our kids keep their current mates as I love all of them.  Not that it's any of my business, but do you ever talk to your daughter about how rude her husband is?  I realize that might be a tricky thing to do.



I spoke to her later about that, and I said, "As long as you allow him to speak to me like that, forget being anywhere near my will. Remember, it's MY stuff, not yours. And I don't have to make it yours, either. You've made a choice, but there are certain things in our family we don't tolerate."

She gave some feeble excuse about how he's a jerk sometimes but a really nice guy, and I just said, "Well. That's your problem. Do you think for one second I would have allowed your father to speak to MY Mom like that? Better yet, I chose a man who would never DREAM of being disrespectful to my Mom. Think about it."

Click. Hung up on her, too.

I'm done. She's trying to make nice but naaaahhhhh...he's nasty to his own mother too! He has control over her finances and tells her what she can or can't spend. It's a long story. And my daughter isn't allowed to have her own bank account; they have a joint account but he controls it.

I'm totally not impressed, nor am I willing to even think about giving/leaving them anything.


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## Pookie (Oct 11, 2015)

jujube said:


> Oh, Pookie, I can understand.  I still like my former son-in-law but the one my only child is married to now.....well, I don't refer to him as my son-in-law, usually I just call him "The asshole my daughter married."  I've never understood what my daughter saw in him.  I have managed over the years to be civil to him, but now that my granddaughter (from her first marriage) is out on her own, I don't HAVE to be civil to him any more.  I think he realizes that and is somewhat nicer to me these days.  Luckily, I only have to see him once or twice a year.  Unfortunately, I don't see my daughter a whole lot more than that.



Yuck...I'm sorry, honey. I never understand why some ladies marry idiots.


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## Linda (Oct 11, 2015)

Pookie, that's sad.  I feel sorry for your daughter too, maybe she'll wake up.  My daughter's first husband was very controlling and even hid the check book from her so she couldn't pay for college classes.  She over heard him telling people at church "All my wife does is sit home and watch cartoons all day".  Yeah, depressed people do that!  Anyway, after about 4 years of physical and mental abuse she left him when their daughter was about 2 years old.  And as far as the cartoons go, she now makes good money writing animation for Netflix and DVD movies.  So pooh on him! That was all 20 years ago, life moves on and a lot of the time things do get better.  Lets think positive about your daughter's situation.


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## Pookie (Oct 12, 2015)

Linda said:


> Pookie, that's sad.  I feel sorry for your daughter too, maybe she'll wake up.  My daughter's first husband was very controlling and even hid the check book from her so she couldn't pay for college classes.  She over heard him telling people at church "All my wife does is sit home and watch cartoons all day".  Yeah, depressed people do that!  Anyway, after about 4 years of physical and mental abuse she left him when their daughter was about 2 years old.  And as far as the cartoons go, she now makes good money writing animation for Netflix and DVD movies.  So pooh on him! That was all 20 years ago, life moves on and a lot of the time things do get better.  Lets think positive about your daughter's situation.



I pray for them, send them cards and gifts on birthdays and Christmas, and carry on. This new son-in-law has taught my grandson to call me by my name instead of Grandma. SIL said as long as I refuse to discuss the subject of my will, that's how it is. He told my daughter I was no Grandma at all.

My daughter's Daddy passed when I was 38. Daughter was in college and we had a rough time. I remarried when I was 41, and at first daughter loved hubby #2 until she met the new SIL and he got really angry about my second marriage. I did tell my daughter we were going to be married, but I never asked her permission. SIL thinks I should have asked her permission. That began the mess.

Like I said, long story. SIL wanted my engagement ring and wedding band for him and Jenn, my daughter. I said no, and it was too late anyhoo. I never had an engagement ring; just a diamond wedding band the first time. Hubby#2 and I decided to take the diamonds from my wedding band, put it into a ring with a sapphire (my birthstone) and make our own. He had the sapphire and the gold from a broken brooch his grandmother gave him and I'm often teased about being a Duchess Kate LOL!!

SIL was furious about that decision too. He and Jenn and grandson came here once. He was horrible to me and Jenn never said anything. SIL even called us cripples; we're disabled vets.


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## Linda (Oct 12, 2015)

Wow, I can't think of anything to say about all of that Pookie.  It's very sad.  It would break my heart of my grand kid's didn't call me grandma.  I sure wouldn't "pay" for that privilege though.  I wouldn't want that guy to get his hands on any of my $. that's for sure.


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## Pookie (Oct 13, 2015)

Linda said:


> Wow, I can't think of anything to say about all of that Pookie.  It's very sad.  It would break my heart of my grand kid's didn't call me grandma.  I sure wouldn't "pay" for that privilege though.  I wouldn't want that guy to get his hands on any of my $. that's for sure.



Yeah, it's a sad mess. He acts so entitled. I know one thing -- he was itching to get his hands on this:



It's a little blurry but you get the idea.


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## jujube (Oct 13, 2015)

Man, I'd be itching to get MY hands on that.  It's a beauty!!!


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## Shalimar (Oct 13, 2015)

Gorgeous ring.


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## Linda (Oct 13, 2015)

I love that ring!  It is like Kate Middleton's isn't it?  I think it was Princess Diane's to to begin with.  Swallow it, before letting your SIL get his hands on it.  I think you have a grand-daughter don't you?  Maybe you can give it to her, you know, when you are done with it.


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## Pookie (Oct 14, 2015)

Linda said:


> I love that ring!  It is like Kate Middleton's isn't it?  I think it was Princess Diane's to to begin with.  Swallow it, before letting your SIL get his hands on it.  I think you have a grand-daughter don't you?  Maybe you can give it to her, you know, when you are done with it.



Thank you! He won't get it! I have a grandson who has been taught to call me by my name Joyce. No one is getting it.


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