# My Friend’s Girlfriend (?)



## oldman (Dec 11, 2020)

Just before I came down with the Virus, I was talking on the phone to a friend that I knew from work. He lives in Albuquerque and his wife had passed away about two years ago to cancer. I was kind of his leaning post when he needed someone to speak to. He has been very lonely since his wife’s death.

He met a woman at a senior center’s dance and after a few months, they became more than friends. He never wanted a full blown relationship, but she is bugging him to move in together. She wants to sell her house and move in with him. He told me that he’s not ready for that type of a relationship, but this woman is being persistent. She told him that he has until the first of the year to decide or she is going to move on. He asked me for advice.

I told him it sounds like she wants a more serious relationship than he does. I also told him not to allow himself to be talked into anything that he may regret later and if you have to let her go, then so be it. I only ever saw a picture of her, which for being 68 years old, she looks good. They do have a lot in common, so I can understand his hesitancy for not wanting to let her go.

Personally, I prefer not to give opinions when it comes to relationships. I think each of us has to make our own decision.

What do you think?


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## Devi (Dec 11, 2020)

What you said. If it turns out well, then great -- but if it doesn't, then you interfered, with everything that that implies.


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## Pecos (Dec 11, 2020)

oldman said:


> Just before I came down with the Virus, I was talking on the phone to a friend that I knew from work. He lives in Albuquerque and his wife had passed away about two years ago to cancer. I was kind of his leaning post when he needed someone to speak to. He has been very lonely since his wife’s death.
> 
> He met a woman at a senior center’s dance and after a few months, they became more than friends. He never wanted a full blown relationship, but she is bugging him to move in together. She wants to sell her house and move in with him. He told me that he’s not ready for that type of a relationship, but this woman is being persistent. She told him that he has until the first of the year to decide or she is going to move on. He asked me for advice.
> 
> ...


I think your advice was solid, and you didn't really give him a recommendation on what he should do. 
You simple told him to think about it.


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## win231 (Dec 11, 2020)

You gave him the best advice anyone could ever give.
Anyone who gives someone an ultimatum in a relationship is someone to run away from.  If her intentions were good, she wouldn't be pressuring him.


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## Nathan (Dec 11, 2020)

She may not have "bad" intentions, but she appears to only be considering her needs, and not his as well.   Not a good basis for a two way relationship, which I'm guessing most people really want.

Edit:  had I gone into marriage #2 with "eyes wide open" I would have recognized that she was not concerned with my needs, only hers.    
A longer courtship would have remedied that, rather than allow myself to be rushed into matrimony.    Lesson learned.


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## MarciKS (Dec 11, 2020)

If he isn't sure what he wants it's better to let her go than make a mistake he will regret later. Sounds like she's looking for someone to take care of her.


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## oldman (Dec 11, 2020)

It seems we are all on the same page. When he was telling me about their relationship, I started to worry. In the past, he has been known to be a bit careless by not taking the necessary time to look at a situation from all sides. I asked him the simple question “Do you love her?” He said he didn’t know yet because it was too soon in their relationship. So, I told him maybe he needed to decide that first.

I think he wants to be with her, but not live with her. You know how it is. When someone asks you a question and you don’t give them the answer they want, they either reword it, or keep asking others until they get their answer. Kids do this all the time. If mom says no, they ask dad.


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## oldman (Dec 11, 2020)

Devi said:


> What you said. If it turns out well, then great -- but if it doesn't, then you interfered, with everything that that implies.


This is another issue. When people ask for advice and you give them your best response and it doesn’t work out, guess who gets the blame? I have been on that end too.

This man is 71 years old, lives in a beautiful home in Albuquerque with the Sandia Mountains in his backyard and complains about the weather being too cold. His kids live all over the U.S., but he won’t move. If he lived nearer to at least one of his kids, maybe he wouldn’t be so lonely.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 11, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> If he isn't sure what he wants it's better to let her go than make a mistake he will regret later. Sounds like she's looking for someone to take care of her.


I think so too in that she would get the money from selling her house without having to invest in another one.


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## Aunt Marg (Dec 11, 2020)

oldman said:


> Just before I came down with the Virus, I was talking on the phone to a friend that I knew from work. He lives in Albuquerque and his wife had passed away about two years ago to cancer. I was kind of his leaning post when he needed someone to speak to. He has been very lonely since his wife’s death.
> 
> He met a woman at a senior center’s dance and after a few months, they became more than friends. He never wanted a full blown relationship, but she is bugging him to move in together. She wants to sell her house and move in with him. He told me that he’s not ready for that type of a relationship, but this woman is being persistent. She told him that he has until the first of the year to decide or she is going to move on. He asked me for advice.
> 
> ...


You've extended good solid and honest advice, it is now up to your friend to garner from it what he will.


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## MarciKS (Dec 11, 2020)

At 71 if he's not smart enough to figure these things out for himself then he's obviously too naive to make a proper decision therefore it's not up to you to look after him.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 11, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> At 71 if he's not smart enough to figure these things out for himself then he's obviously too naive to make a proper decision therefore it's not up to you to look after him.


He's too focused on the benefits at this point. True, that's not very smart.


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## MarciKS (Dec 11, 2020)

Well if she's a looker you can't blame him. The male brain is that way. LOL


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## Lewkat (Dec 11, 2020)

You have spoken and it is from the heart.  Now it's up to him to trust your instincts since he asked for them.


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## win231 (Dec 11, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> Well if she's a looker you can't blame him. The male brain is that way. LOL


Not the ones that function.


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## Pecos (Dec 11, 2020)

I asked my wife for her opinion. 
She said: "it is time to run."


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## win231 (Dec 11, 2020)

Pecos said:


> I asked my wife for her opinion.
> She said: "it is time to run."


Smart wife.


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## Gaer (Dec 11, 2020)

My opinion?
Oh heck no!  There are so many women who want someone to take care of them.  You talked of how lovely she was and how wonderful his home was.  This is all relative, surface, changeable.
Pray, What does that have to do with anything?  He will regret merging with a woman because she looks good and holds a nice conversation.
There is so much more than that!  a welding of their SOULS!  What do they have in common, individually,  besides sex?
If a man is lonely, he should become happy within himself, become self-actualized, develop his own full potentiality before he even THINKS about letting someone move in!  THEN he will attract THE ONE who is meant for him.
IF he has to  ask a friend for his opinion, he already knows, in his heart, it's not the right move.
He should enjoy her PERSPECTIVELY while maintaining his solitude.
May I add, as a woman, I would not be interested in a man because he was lonely.  He has to get his head together!  Love himself first!

I should add: IMO!


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## Kathleen’s Place (Dec 11, 2020)

I was 100% sure it was the right thing when I got married and would settle for nothing less if I were to get married again. But...that being said... I would never get married again. Have a relationship, yes...married, no. As for your friend, I would personally avoid a pushy person like the plague.  Lots of fish in the sea...feel, strongly, from what you have told us, that he should keep swimming


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## peramangkelder (Dec 11, 2020)

@oldman if she is being so pushy the wisest and smartest course of action for your friend is to 'head for the hills' pronto


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## Tish (Dec 11, 2020)

Ultimatums are a red flag in any relationship.


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## OneEyedDiva (Dec 11, 2020)

You definitely handled it well. If he caves and lets her move in, he could find himself very miserable. Once someone moves in, it's hard to get rid of them, especially someone like this woman. It seems to me that if she cared for him so much she'd respect that he was truthful about not wanting to take things to that level.


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## SeaBreeze (Dec 11, 2020)

oldman said:


> She told him that he has until the first of the year to decide or she is going to move on. He asked me for advice.


This statement jumped out at me in a very negative way.  If she really cared for him and wanted a relationship, she would be understanding of his feelings of her moving in with him so soon, and would willingly wait until he was ready for such a close relationship.  Also, if she truly cared for him, she would even accept that he does not want to live with her, just continue to have a relationship and live apart.

@oldman , you said he wanted to be with her and not live with her.  Then he should absolutely follow his own wishes on how to live his life.  As I said, she has the nerve to give him until the end of the year......she's undeserving of him and a waste of his time and emotions.  IMO, she sounds pushy and seems to be bad news, he's better off without her.


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## SeaBreeze (Dec 11, 2020)

oldman said:


> I told him it sounds like she wants a more serious relationship than he does. I also told him not to allow himself to be talked into anything that he may regret later and if you have to let her go, then so be it. I only ever saw a picture of her, which for being 68 years old, she looks good. They do have a lot in common, so I can understand his hesitancy for not wanting to let her go.
> 
> Personally, I prefer not to give opinions when it comes to relationships. I think each of us has to make our own decision.
> 
> What do you think?


You gave him good advice.  We all have to make our own decisions, but having a friend give us their opinion before we make the decision is a good thing....food for thought.


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## Jules (Dec 11, 2020)

Your advice seems balanced.  If he doesn’t really know, he shouldn’t be doing it.  

He’d better watch out for his finances if he enters this relationship.


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 11, 2020)

win231 said:


> You gave him the best advice anyone could ever give.
> Anyone who gives someone an ultimatum in a relationship is someone to run away from.  If her intentions were good, she wouldn't be pressuring him.


Hmm, maybe her intentions are good, but she wants a total relationship and he doesn’t.  So as much as she likes him, he is wasting her time and at our age we have little time to waste.  She should move on, she will find what she is looking for and so will he.


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## Elsie (Dec 11, 2020)

Good grief, no!  She should NOT move in.  Before you know it, she'd be taking over your home, and your life, what you do or don't do, (and maybe take control of how you spend your/now her's too? money).   Run!


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## Marie5656 (Dec 11, 2020)

*Speaking from the female perspective, I would never give an ultimatum...and would not want a man to give one to me. Especially if I felt we were not both in the same place in relationship.
Also, with the current situation, it would be a hard no from me. If they moved in together, and everything shut down...then the relationship went south, she may not find a new place to move to.

Especially if your friend is better off financially than his lady friend...she may be looking for the financial security.*


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## MarciKS (Dec 11, 2020)

Some women are so pushy.


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## Jules (Dec 11, 2020)

I can also understand her point of view.  She wants a full time relationship.  Better to ask (not demand) if that’s what he wants too.  He may be enjoying many benefits that he doesn’t feel have to be balanced out. They should each look out for their own needs.  

Or, she might just be a manipulative *itch.


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## win231 (Dec 11, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Hmm, maybe her intentions are good, but she wants a total relationship and he doesn’t.  So as much as she likes him, he is wasting her time and at our age we have little time to waste.  She should move on, she will find what she is looking for and so will he.


A "Total Relationship" is called "Marriage."  What she wants is called "Shackin' Up."


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 11, 2020)

win231 said:


> A "Total Relationship" is called "Marriage."  What she wants is called "Shackin' Up."


No, it’s not called shack in up.  A lot of people no longer believe that a marriage certificate is necessary for a marriage especially since a divorce is easily obtained.  A lot of people, especially woman, want to retain their options.

A total relationship is when two people commit to the relationship of their choosing.  Catch up with the times, the world has changed .


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## Ruth n Jersey (Dec 11, 2020)

I think you gave the best advice to this man  and it seems everyone here agrees with you. 
Now its up to him.


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## Damaged Goods (Dec 12, 2020)

oldman said:


> She told him that he has until the first of the year to decide or she is going to move on. He asked me for advice.





oldman said:


> What do you think?


Tell him to tell her, Move on.  Sayanora.  No ultimatums.


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## win231 (Dec 12, 2020)

I got an ultimatum once after a few weeks of dating.
When we got back to my house after going out to dinner, my Black Lab was excited to see me.
While I was showing him some love for a minute, my date says, "I wonder what would happen if I asked you to choose between me & that dog."
I said, _"I'd tell you to wear your seat belt & drive safely."_

My Lab was very happy when she stormed out.  He got her number sooner than I did.

ETA:  Anyone who really cares about someone will not give them an ultimatum or ask them to give up something they love.


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## Elsie (Dec 13, 2020)

Living together unmarried with ****** benefits IS shakin' up.  The truth stays legitimate forever.


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## hellomimi (Dec 13, 2020)

oldman said:


> It seems we are all on the same page. When he was telling me about their relationship, I started to worry. In the past, he has been known to be a bit careless by not taking the necessary time to look at a situation from all sides. I asked him the simple question “Do you love her?” He said he didn’t know yet because it was too soon in their relationship. So, I told him maybe he needed to decide that first.
> 
> I think he wants to be with her, but not live with her. You know how it is. When someone asks you a question and you don’t give them the answer they want, they either reword it, or keep asking others until they get their answer. Kids do this all the time. If mom says no, they ask dad.


It looks like he wants to go slow and see if his feelings for her grow deeper enough to get into a commitment. The best advice for him is to give it time and think about it. He's the only one to decide what's best for him. If he gives her an ultimatum and he's still unsure of his feelings for her, best to let her go than regret decisions made in haste.

When a friend asks me, do you like XYZ? If I hesitate to answer, it means NO;  close friends know if I like someone I literally light up like a neon bulb with a matching YES!!


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## hellomimi (Dec 13, 2020)

Gaer said:


> May I add, as a woman, I would not be interested in a man because he was lonely.  He has to get his head together!  Love himself first!
> 
> I should add: IMO!


Hopefully, he learns to love and care for himself first. High quality men (and women) know their worth; they are fulfilled and are not looking for anyone to complete them or make them happy. They can be rightfully picky and if they get into relationships that don't work out, they walk away with their self esteem intact and easily move on with their best life.


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## FastTrax (Dec 13, 2020)

oldman said:


> Just before I came down with the Virus, I was talking on the phone to a friend that I knew from work. He lives in Albuquerque and his wife had passed away about two years ago to cancer. I was kind of his leaning post when he needed someone to speak to. He has been very lonely since his wife’s death.
> 
> He met a woman at a senior center’s dance and after a few months, they became more than friends. He never wanted a full blown relationship, but she is bugging him to move in together. She wants to sell her house and move in with him. He told me that he’s not ready for that type of a relationship, but this woman is being persistent. She told him that he has until the first of the year to decide or she is going to move on. He asked me for advice.
> 
> ...



www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/resources/how-do-i-get-rid-a-house-guest-who-wont-leave.htm


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## jerry old (Dec 13, 2020)

FastTrax said:


> www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/resources/how-do-i-get-rid-a-house-guest-who-wont-leave.htm
> 
> So, Trac old buddy, can a come visit a few days, just a few days as I have to see a Mr. Trump about a real estate deal in your neighborhood.


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## FastTrax (Dec 13, 2020)

Mi casa tu casa mi amigo. Just bring some "Rolling Rock" and a party size jar of honey roasted cashews. Deal?


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## Shalimar (Dec 13, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> No, it’s not called shack in up.  A lot of people no longer believe that a marriage certificate is necessary for a marriage especially since a divorce is easily obtained.  A lot of people, especially woman, want to retain their options.
> 
> A total relationship is when two people commit to the relationship of their choosing.  Catch up with the times, the world has changed .


   Qft. I enjoyed two long term monogamous relationships without ever feeling the need to marry. However, fairly  recently, I was engaged to Sifuphil to facilitate his moving to Canada so we could build a life together. Otherwise, I would have preferred not to be in that position. Sadly, he died. At no point in my life have I ever felt I was shacked up with anyone.


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## MarciKS (Dec 13, 2020)

Shalimar said:


> Qft. I enjoyed two long term monogamous relationships without ever feeling the need to marry. However, recently, I was engaged to Sifuphil to facilitate his moving to Canada so we could build a life together. Otherwise, I would have preferred not to be in that position. Sadly, he died. At no point in my life have I ever felt I was shacked up with anyone.


I'm sad he passed away. I would've enjoyed talking to him. He was a hoot.


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## fmdog44 (Dec 14, 2020)

At the ages that the members here  are on the average making a dramatic change in lifestyle needs very careful consideration. If one is unhappy then maybe a change is in order but if one is satisfied and happy why change?


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 14, 2020)

Shalimar said:


> Qft. I enjoyed two long term monogamous relationships without ever feeling the need to marry. However, recently, I was engaged to Sifuphil to facilitate his moving to Canada so we could build a life together. Otherwise, I would have preferred not to be in that position. Sadly, he died. At no point in my life have I ever felt I was shacked up with anyone.


 Sorry for your loss.

My son and his girlfriend have been together for over 5 years now.  Except for the interruption of Covid-19 they are together each evening. At their age, they prefer to have their own places although both their mothers, , wish they would marry.


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## Lee (Dec 14, 2020)

oldman said:


> He met a woman at a senior center’s dance and after a few months, they became more than friends. He never wanted a full blown relationship,


There's a lesson here....he should never have taken the next step of being more than friends if he did not want a relationship.


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## Devi (Dec 14, 2020)

Lee said:


> There's a lesson here....he should never have taken the next step of being more than friends if he did not want a relationship.


Agreed. But it's good to be honest about it, no?


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 14, 2020)

win231 said:


> I got an ultimatum once after a few weeks of dating.
> When we got back to my house after going out to dinner, my Black Lab was excited to see me.
> While I was showing him some love for a minute, my date says, "I wonder what would happen if I asked you to choose between me & that dog."
> I said, _"I'd tell you to wear your seat belt & drive safely."_
> ...


Oh, really?  I love you so you can continue to take illegal drugs, keep smoking, and, despite being diabetic, here is a two pound box of candy which you love, eat up.  We give people we love ultimatums ALL the time.  Love is rarely unconditional.  And, if you choose a dog over the love of your life, then the other person was not the love of your life.  IMO.


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## Brookswood (Dec 14, 2020)

I find that when it comes to love and money, advice can be a trap.    So I frame things by telling people what I did.    

For example:



> After my divorce, I waited two years before I became serious with anybody. Given the number of 'gems' who turned out to be nothing more than shiney bits of glass, that was a wise decision for me.  Had I married one of these women I would be in big trouble today. And I would be a very unhappy man. That's my story.  Take what you wish and leave the rest.


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## win231 (Dec 14, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Oh, really?  I love you so you can continue to take illegal drugs, keep smoking, and, despite being diabetic, here is a two pound box of candy which you love, eat up.  We give people we love ultimatums ALL the time.  Love is rarely unconditional.  And, if you choose a dog over the love of your life, then the other person was not the love of your life.  IMO.



Your comparison to giving up a dog & giving up things that cause harm is not a valid one.   I know you can do better.


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 14, 2020)

win231 said:


> Your comparison to giving up a dog & giving up things that cause harm is not a valid one.   I know you can do better.


I have a lot going on right now, best I can do.


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## FastTrax (Dec 14, 2020)

win231 said:


> Your comparison to giving up a dog & giving up things that cause harm is not a valid one.   I know you can do better.





Aneeda72 said:


> I have a lot going on right now, best I can do.



ROTFLMAO X2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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