# Is This Insane? (Send an apology letter to HS girlfriend)



## oldman (Apr 23, 2022)

A friend in Oklahoma and I were talking on the phone and out of the blue he starts a conversation about regrets he has been thinking about. He asked me if I thought it would be OK if he wrote a letter to his former girlfriend that he had while in high school and ask for her forgiveness. He’s 70 years old now and I reminded him of that, but he said “So, what do you think?”

I asked him why a letter? He said that he wants to apologize to her for being a rotten boyfriend. He continued on that he used to try to manipulate her, he would use her, he never complimented her about her hair and dress, plus more stuff that I forget. I never knew her or even saw a picture of her. I did ask him if she was still alive and he said she was and so was her husband.

I told him to forget it and that way he has a good chance of staying alive. He laughed, but I was serious. So, was I right or wrong?


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## win231 (Apr 23, 2022)

A letter might be OK, as long as it doesn't have the tone of _"Let's Get Back Together"_ in it.


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## katlupe (Apr 23, 2022)

I would tell him to write the letter but do not send it to her. I think she will think he is a nut after all this time.


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## StarSong (Apr 23, 2022)

I agree with @win231.


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## Sliverfox (Apr 23, 2022)

I thought  women were the ones who wondered  how the "one that got away" turned out.


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## Em in Ohio (Apr 23, 2022)

oldman said:


> A friend in Oklahoma and I were talking on the phone and out of the blue he starts a conversation about regrets he has been thinking about. He asked me if I thought it would be OK if he wrote a letter to his former girlfriend that he had while in high school and ask for her forgiveness. He’s 70 years old now and I reminded him of that, but he said “So, what do you think?”
> 
> I asked him why a letter? He said that he wants to apologize to her for being a rotten boyfriend. He continued on that he used to try to manipulate her, he would use her, he never complimented her about her hair and dress, plus more stuff that I forget. I never knew her or even saw a picture of her. I did ask him if she was still alive and he said she was and so was her husband.
> 
> I told him to forget it and that way he has a good chance of staying alive. He laughed, but I was serious. So, was I right or wrong?


If he was that bad to her, I'm pretty sure she has gotten over him!  Why stir up bad memories?


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## Pecos (Apr 23, 2022)

oldman said:


> A friend in Oklahoma and I were talking on the phone and out of the blue he starts a conversation about regrets he has been thinking about. He asked me if I thought it would be OK if he wrote a letter to his former girlfriend that he had while in high school and ask for her forgiveness. He’s 70 years old now and I reminded him of that, but he said “So, what do you think?”
> 
> I asked him why a letter? He said that he wants to apologize to her for being a rotten boyfriend. He continued on that he used to try to manipulate her, he would use her, he never complimented her about her hair and dress, plus more stuff that I forget. I never knew her or even saw a picture of her. I did ask him if she was still alive and he said she was and so was her husband.
> 
> I told him to forget it and that way he has a good chance of staying alive. He laughed, but I was serious. So, was I right or wrong?


You were right!


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## Jules (Apr 23, 2022)

Is this part of a 12 step apology?

If not, write the letter and throw it in the garbage afterwards.  I doubt she gives a hoot.


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## Gary O' (Apr 23, 2022)

oldman said:


> So, was I right or wrong?


Depends on his purpose 

Could be a spiritual, cleansing sorta thing
Maybe a new Christian

Matthew 5;
 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.


I've done it with folks I misused when young

All forgave me with open arms

Rather cleansing


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## Geezer Garage (Apr 23, 2022)

It's called making amends. Not a bad idea if he's genuinely sorry. She might find it a little strange, might find it sweet. Hard to say.


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## rgp (Apr 23, 2022)

If it were me .... I would advise he leave it alone. Some people just cannot get past their 'favorite' years, and IMO they somehow think they can get them back.


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## Paco Dennis (Apr 23, 2022)

I have gone a few rounds with myself about contacting past friends and intimates. I allow quite a bit of time before I act. Over the past year I have developed a since of not going over past stuff. It can be fun, but everyone has complicated lives, until we begin to unclutter them. We can become addicted to fixing this by this digging up the past, and as Gary pointed out it can be and usually is a good thing. For me, going over the my precious personal past is a waste of a time.


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## Wren (Apr 24, 2022)

Sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie......


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## Tish (Apr 24, 2022)

Wren said:


> Sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie......


I agree with you.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 24, 2022)

It might not be a bad idea. If he treated her real mean, it might have had a long-lasting effect on her. But even if not, even if it only makes _him_ feel better, I think it's worth it.


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## Shalimar (Apr 24, 2022)

*Often the deepest wounds occur during adolescence. For some, they shape the rest of their lives. Perhaps a heartfelt apology might soothe these wounds, should they remain.*


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## Lara (Apr 24, 2022)

I can pretty much assure you that your friend's former HS girlfriend doesn't give one tittle about him apologizing for something she probably can't even remember at this point. And if she does remember, then your friend is the last person she wants to hear from. She won't be up for offering him any favors of friendship and in today's world her husband could be another Will Smith or worse.

But it matters more than we can ever imagine for your friend to apologize to his Creator for his regrets. I believe his Creator is purposefully bringing up his and all of our past regrets in the Autumn of life for a last chance opportunity to face our wrongs , express how sorry we are, and change how we behave going forward. Then your friend can let go of that burden, trusting and knowing it's 100% forgiven, forgotten forever.

His Creator wants to replace his regrets with peace, love, and assurance that all is forgiven in your friend's mind and in his Creator's mind.


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## hollydolly (Apr 24, 2022)

I for one would welcome a letter of apology from someone who treated me badly in the past! it would stop me wondering all these years what I'd done to deserve such treatment..


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## OneEyedDiva (Apr 24, 2022)

katlupe said:


> I would tell him to write the letter but do not send it to her. I think she will think he is a nut after all this time.


I was thinking the same thing as I read the OP! Great minds..... BUT I can see both sides of this...why sending the letter may or may not be a good thing. I don't think it's insane.


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## Wren (Apr 24, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> It might not be a bad idea. If he treated her real mean, it might have had a long-lasting effect on her. But even if not, even if it only makes _him_ feel better, I think it's worth it.


What about if it drags up unhappy memories and makes _her_ feel worse !

We’ve all done things we regret in our younger days, just let it drop....


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## FastTrax (Apr 24, 2022)

He needs to respect the fact that she is married now. Also if her husband is made aware of this things might not fare too well for all parties involved.


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## officerripley (Apr 24, 2022)

rgp said:


> Some people just cannot get past their 'favorite' years, and IMO they somehow think they can get them back.


So true for too many people (including myself sometimes).


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## C50 (Apr 24, 2022)

Writing the letter is a selfish move in my eyes, he's just trying to make himself feel better.  If he did her harm apologizing fifty years later does nothing to repair the pain she felt, it may actually trigger insecuities she feels about herself.


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## Pepper (Apr 24, 2022)

I've started going over old journals from 1983-present.  In 1984 I received a phone call from my Scottish boyfriend, who was at that time living in the Netherlands.  He called asking me to forgive him for being a bad boyfriend in 1970!  I know 14 years is way different than 50 years, but I was glad (according to my journal) to receive that call, and we chatted for a long while catching up.  I told my husband that night and he said "Oh, so that's the guy you talk about."  When we fought over stuff I would sometimes say "I should have married George!"

Your friend should do what he feels he wants to do, Oldman.  I don't think it will make that big a difference in the long run.  I think it's sweet of him.  I like getting calls, letters, out of the blue, which is why I won't give up my landline as it has always been my phone number.  What if George calls again?  I'm single now!


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## AprilSun (Apr 24, 2022)

I would be more concerned about how her husband might take it rather than her especially considering how people are so quick to get angry and react to it today.


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## fuzzybuddy (Apr 24, 2022)

Dear Mary,
Sorry I used and abused you, 50 years ago. Have a nice day 

I can't imagine Mary's joy in getting such a letter.


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## Capt Lightning (Apr 24, 2022)

Sometimes you should just " let sleeping dogs lie".


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## Pepper (Apr 24, 2022)

I'd be overjoyed to get a blast from the past.


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## Jeni (Apr 24, 2022)

When ever we think about doing something ... reaching out to a past friend or someone .... we get the flood of assumption going

They .... will be mad / disappointed / won't remember  and on and on ........ many just forget about it assuming the worst..

For the brave few they open that door ... maybe they find a not so pleasant experience   OR maybe they find something good.
People regret things NOT done and what ifs more IMO.


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## Pinky (Apr 24, 2022)

A longtime girlfriend of mine, in her 70's now, recently got in touch with her old boyfriend via Facebook. They'd been a couple for at least 10 years. He was a confirmed bachelor, and she wanted marriage/children. They parted ways. She met someone else and got married. He is still a bachelor. The first thing he did, was apologize for "being a a**hole. We don't remember him being one. He was just honest. Anyway, they text now and then, and all is good.


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## feywon (Apr 24, 2022)

Jeni said:


> When ever we think about doing something ... reaching out to a past friend or someone .... *we get the flood of assumption going*
> 
> They .... will be mad / disappointed / won't remember  and on and on ........ many just forget about it assuming the worst..
> 
> ...


Yes to all of this especially what i made bold.


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## feywon (Apr 24, 2022)

I've found and been found.   Mostly with positive results. Mostly friends, tho one guy was 'with benefits'. Thanks to internet we can often learn how life has gone for someone we used to know.  It is more difficult if the name is common or too similar to any kind of celebrity. You have to scroll thru hundreds of results on the celeb or others with that name to find the wanted results.

But if you can find them and get a clue about their lives now sometimes just knowing satisfies your wondering. We also have to examine our motives.  Even if we want to apologize, is it to assauge our conscience or in hopes that acknowledging the pain we may have caused them will be helpful to them?

In this case i think i'd advise the man to write out his feelings then set aside and think on it more before sending, be sure apologizing is actually his motive.


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## jimintoronto (Apr 24, 2022)

Jules said:


> Is this part of a 12 step apology?
> 
> If not, write the letter and throw it in the garbage afterwards.  I doubt she gives a hoot.


Yes I was immediately prompted to think of the AA program, where the alcoholic is told to "apologize to those you hurt in the past ". JImB.


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## Jules (Apr 24, 2022)

oldman said:


> I did ask him if she was still alive and he said she was and so was *her husband.*


An apology may cause more problems in her marriage if it upsets the husband.  He should think about this possibility.


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## feywon (Apr 24, 2022)

jimintoronto said:


> Yes I was immediately prompted to think of the AA program, where the alcoholic is told to "apologize to those you hurt in the past ". JImB.


Almost all12 step programs for any addiction have 'making amends' as a step.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 24, 2022)

Wren said:


> What about if it drags up unhappy memories and makes _her_ feel worse !


What if it helps her resolve old issues? That's just as likely.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 24, 2022)

AprilSun said:


> I would be more concerned about how her husband might take it rather than her especially considering how people are so quick to get angry and react to it today.


Give the guy a little credit. If I needed to write a letter like that, I'd mention her husband somewhere near the beginning. This guy doesn't want to _cause_ a problem, he's hoping to resolve one.


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## Lara (Apr 24, 2022)

If I received an apology letter from a guy who used and abused me 50 years ago, 
I'd be creeped out to know he found out where I live!


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## Alligatorob (Apr 24, 2022)

Maybe, kind of depends on the situation, particularly her's.

I made a verbal apology to my first wife for things I did in our marriage when I was young and stupid.  She just laughed and said life was too short to let such things bother us now.  It was a good thing for me, I felt better about myself.  Don't really know how she took it, but I think well.

A big difference is that after years of not having any contact she contacted me first, just a light wanting to know how I was and what I was doing.  Only then did I offer the apology.  We have since become pretty good friends.  No hint from either of us about "getting back together", that's water well under the bridge...


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## helenbacque (Apr 24, 2022)

A letter might be touchy if you do not know her current situation.  He could always write it and leave for his executor to mail at his death.  If he feels strongly about it, that might give him some peace of mind and could hardly be misunderstood by husband.

However, I would have loved an apology from an ex. for some of the grief he caused me or, if not an apology, at least an acknowledgment of his actions.

.


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## Pepper (Apr 24, 2022)

If the husband was married to this woman for Years and got upset, he's a jerk IMO.  Get upset over a relationship that was 50 years ago?  Why, what's wrong with husband?


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## oldman (Apr 24, 2022)

Some of you are supportive of him with writing the letter. I worry about how her husband will take it. According to my friend, they live about 20 miles apart, so it’s close enough where her husband could give him a visit. I think this is something that has been bothering him for a long time. I don’t think it’s one of those 12 step things. He seldom drinks and to the best of my knowledge, he has never done drugs. Personally, I think he is going to write the letter regardless of what I say.


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## Alligatorob (Apr 24, 2022)

oldman said:


> I worry about how her husband will take it.


Could he contact the husband first?


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## oldman (Apr 24, 2022)

Alligatorob said:


> Could he contact the husband first?


I don’t know. I’m glad I’m not making this choice.


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## Pepper (Apr 24, 2022)

Alligatorob said:


> Could he contact the husband first?


Is the husband known to be a mental case or have extreme anger issues?  Good grief, he married her he doesn't own her.


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## Nathan (Apr 24, 2022)

My first wife called me 7 years after we divorced, and apologized profusely for ruining our marriage.  It was unexpected, I had grieved and moved on and was remarried.  But, I appreciated the sentiment.

In addressing the OP:  advising him to _forget it_ was the right thing, I believe.     50+ years have passed, everyone's grown up and moved on.  
I think that he(the friend) needs to forgive himself, which is a beginning step in healing, and a tenet in major religions.


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## oldman (Apr 24, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Is the husband known to be a mental case or have extreme anger issues?  Good grief, he married her he doesn't own her.


I don’t know anything about her husband if he is a mental case or maybe a minister. I just thought that if it was me, and like Nathan had wrote that it’s been over 50+ years, why push the envelope now? I like the idea of writing the letter then tossing it.

The other issue is, if he writes this letter should he or will he tell his wife? 


Pinky said:


> A longtime girlfriend of mine, in her 70's now, recently got in touch with her old boyfriend via Facebook. They'd been a couple for at least 10 years. He was a confirmed bachelor, and she wanted marriage/children. They parted ways. She met someone else and got married. He is still a bachelor. The first thing he did, was apologize for "being a a**hole. We don't remember him being one. He was just honest. Anyway, they text now and then, and all is good.


Sounds like that one worked out well.


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## Alligatorob (Apr 24, 2022)

oldman said:


> The other issue is, if he writes this letter should he or will he tell his wife?


When my ex reconnected with me I told my wife, did not tell her all the apology details but she knew we were talking.  The ex has stopped by a couple of times and met my wife.  All is ok.


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## Jules (Apr 24, 2022)

JMO, there’s a difference in reconnecting with a former spouse and a girlfriend from 50 years ago.

In a recent thread about dealing with problems, my approach was to go through these steps.

What’s the problem?
How big is the problem?
Whose problem is it?

It seems to me that the problems are all his and not that big.  All he may be doing is selfishly causing a problem for her.


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## Judycat (Apr 24, 2022)

Ugh. She moved on with her life. He should let her alone. I doubt he will though.


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## oldman (Apr 24, 2022)

Judycat said:


> Ugh. She moved on with her life. He should let her alone. I doubt he will though.


Me too.


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## Lewkat (Apr 24, 2022)

I recall in the not too distant past when an old boyfriend showed up on my doorstep.  To say I was surprised is a gross understatement and I asked him how he found me.  He googled my son and that led him to me.  I asked where his wife was and she had passed a few years prior to M.S.  I was sorry to hear this as I liked her.  He'd always been in touch with my family as my dad made him a millionaire.  But, I was always on the go and so very out of touch.  We had coffee and he invited me to go to Atlantic City with him.   Well we had a great time, and continued to venture off to the Land of Gambling often.  We saw a lot of shows, etc.  He had had a heart transplant and was full of energy, but I found it difficult to keep up, so I called it quits.  Fun while it lasted, but it
simply wasn't like old times.  We got along this time around and that was a pleasant change.  So, if your friend wants to chance it, let him write his letter.  It might turn out rather well.  Of course my husband had passed, so that was no obstacle.  Perhaps, her mate would enjoy meeting one of her old flames.  You never know.


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## Lara (Apr 24, 2022)

I get the feeling that your friend still has feelings for this girlfriend of the past. Your friend may not even realize it nor want to face it. But it will all become clear if there is any phone or computer contact or she merely responds to his letter. It's not not a good sign.

Her husband, unless he's dumb as a rock, is going to pick up on the vibes and then all hell will break loose....especially if the husband is kind of a loser and your friend is a George Clooney type. Your friend needs to deal with his own natural consequences and leave his married former girlfriend alone.


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## Alligatorob (Apr 24, 2022)

Not quite the same but last year I ran into a couple of old girlfriends at my 50th (a year late) HS reunion.  First time seeing them in 50 years, this was the first HS reunion I attended.

It was good to see them, and I think they appreciated seeing me.  No lasting sparks or anything, just good seeing old friends.  Nobody's spouses had an issue with it, good to meet them too.


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## Lara (Apr 24, 2022)

Yeah, that's not the same. Neither of the old girlfriends wrote you a personal emotional letter. 
Glad you enjoyed your 50th reunion. Sounds like fun.


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## JonSR77 (Apr 24, 2022)

Well, that is something the 12 Step people do.  But they have an instruction, to redress wrongs, but not if it will make further problems.

I think the way to approach it would be from a spiritual point of view. Write a note saying that you are getting older and in reviewing your life, felt guilty about some of the wrong that you had done. And wanted to apologize for some of the wrong you had done.

Or, maybe find out who her minister is and approach the minister first. See if the minister thinks the contact is a good idea.


I have been abused and wronged by a lot of people. One of them did apologize to me, after many years. I have to say, that in my case, it did make a huge difference. I felt like people "got it" and I wasn't just a piece of trash to be thrown away.

But I would handle it very gently. And yeah, maybe approach the minister first.

You could even take it a little farther.  And that would be to make a donation to some nice charity in the person's name.  In addition to the gift being nice, it gives a context to the apology.  Makes it look like a Christian, rather than an excuse to stalk the person....which would be the main concern.  Stalkers don't make donations to the Red Cross...  Or, you know, could ask what her favorite charity is and make the donation there.


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## oldman (Apr 25, 2022)

Shalimar said:


> *Often the deepest wounds occur during adolescence. For some, they shape the rest of their lives. Perhaps a heartfelt apology might soothe these wounds, should they remain.*


So, if I understand you correctly, you believe that if he sends his letter of apology, he’s doing it only because he feels by sending a letter of apology, it will make “him” feel better? I would think if I was sending a letter of apology, my objective would be to have the other person feel better by making them aware that the things I did while we were together was wrong and I realize that I may have caused that person some emotional pain at the time, thus the reason I am sending you an apology. I think both of the people involved would gain from that type of letter. She gets her apology and he gets his satisfaction knowing he did the right thing by apologizing.


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## Shalimar (Apr 25, 2022)

oldman said:


> So, if I understand you correctly, you believe that if he sends his letter of apology, he’s doing it only because he feels by sending a letter of apology, it will make “him” feel better? I would think if I was sending a letter of apology, my objective would be to have the other person feel better by making them aware that the things I did while we were together was wrong and I realize that I may have caused that person some emotional pain at the time, thus the reason I am sending you an apology. I think both of the people involved would gain from that type of letter. She gets her apology and he gets his satisfaction knowing he did the right thing by apologizing.


Perhaps my post lacked clarity. The point I was attempting to make was that the person who received the apology might also feel better. I agree that the desired outcome would involve both parties gaining some healing/closure/satisfaction as a result of the proffered apology.


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## Pinky (Apr 25, 2022)

I would welcome such a letter from my ex, but know that such a letter would never be forthcoming. He would never admit to any wrong on his part, being the kind of person who puts the blame everywhere else, but on himself.


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## oldman (Apr 25, 2022)

Shalimar said:


> Perhaps my post lacked clarity. The point I was attempting to make was that the person who received the apology might also feel better. I agree that the desired outcome would involve both parties gaining some healing/closure/satisfaction as a result of the proffered apology.


Not to prolong this thread, but why do you suppose he would like to send a letter of apology after so many years?


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## Pepper (Apr 25, 2022)

It obviously bothers him very much.


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## Alligatorob (Apr 25, 2022)

oldman said:


> why do you suppose he would like to send a letter of apology after so many years?


Seems to me he either feels guilt and needs to clear his conscience or has some unfinished business with her and wants to possibly rekindle the relationship.  Or maybe both.


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## hollydolly (Apr 25, 2022)

Pinky said:


> I would welcome such a letter from my ex, but know that such a letter would never be forthcoming. He would never admit to any wrong on his part, being the kind of person who puts the blame everywhere else, but on himself.


I had no idea you'd been married to my estranged husband too Pinks...


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## hollydolly (Apr 25, 2022)

oldman said:


> Not to prolong this thread, but why do you suppose he would like to send a letter of apology after so many years?


Guilty conscience !


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## helenbacque (Apr 25, 2022)

oldman said:


> Not to prolong this thread, but why do you suppose he would like to send a letter of apology after so many years?


Some still fear the 'Day of Reckoning' and every day brings us closer to it.


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## Shalimar (Apr 25, 2022)

oldman said:


> Not to prolong this thread, but why do you suppose he would like to send a letter of apology after so many years?





oldman said:


> Not to prolong this thread, but why do you suppose he would like to send a letter of apology after so many years?


Simplest answer would be a desire to make what restitution he could. Perhaps it took decades before he evolved enough to “man up“ to his treatment of his former girlfriend.


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## JustDave (Apr 25, 2022)

I've never had the urge to do that, and never expected a letter like that from any woman either.  I think the need to send such a letter might be interesting to investigate.  There's something going on under the surface.  Saying you're sorry is not an amends.  It's about changing your behavior.  Saying you're sorry is not a change in behavior.  Drunken spouses make a career out of that.  But I have little to invest in here.  I don't care what he does.  I just think it would be a waste of time, but I might be wrong.


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## Pepper (Apr 25, 2022)

I wonder how horrible he actually was?  What did he do @oldman?


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## hollydolly (Apr 25, 2022)

JustDave said:


> I've never had the urge to do that, and never expected a letter like that from any woman either.  I think the need to send such a letter might be interesting to investigate.  There's something going on under the surface.  Saying you're sorry is not an amends.  It's about changing your behavior.  Saying you're sorry is not a change in behavior.  Drunken spouses make a career out of that.  But I have little to invest in here.  I don't care what he does.  I just think it would be a waste of time, but I might be wrong.


well changing his behaviour now.. isn't going to let the old girlfriend know he's sorry for what he did to her 50 years ago...


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## Murrmurr (Apr 25, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Guilty conscience !


And what Shalimar said....restitution. I don't think it's all about him (in his mind) and what he'll get out of it. I think he was truly bad and he's truly sorry for what he did to her, how it affected her, how he made her feel about herself. I think he's hoping he can un-do even a fraction of the damage he believes he caused.


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## hollydolly (Apr 25, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> And what Shalimar said....restitution. I don't think it's all about him (in his mind) and what he'll get out of it.* I think he was truly bad and he's truly sorry for what he did to her, how it affected her, how he made her feel about herself. I think he's hoping he can un-do even a fraction of the damage he believes he caused.*


that's what I said in my first post...


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## Murrmurr (Apr 25, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> that's what I said in my first post...


I'm sure that's not the only post I missed


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## IKE (Apr 25, 2022)

My opinion.......let sleeping dogs lie.


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## oldman (Apr 25, 2022)

Pepper said:


> I wonder how horrible he actually was?  What did he do @oldman?


He never stated any specifics, except he did say once when they went to a dance he became so upset with her because she danced with another boy while he used the restroom that he left without her and forced her to find her own way home.


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## Sassycakes (Apr 25, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> It might not be a bad idea. If he treated her real mean, it might have had a long-lasting effect on her. But even if not, even if it only makes _him_ feel better, I think it's worth it.


Murrmurr, I couldn't have said it any better than you did.


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## Alligatorob (Apr 25, 2022)

oldman said:


> he did say once when they went to a dance he became so upset with her because she danced with another boy while he used the restroom that he left without her and forced her to find her own way home


Doesn't seem like the kind of thing that would require an apology 50 years later.  Not good behavior, but he was young and stupid, as many of us were.

Probably more to the story...


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## fuzzybuddy (May 2, 2022)

I just had a call with a US Navy buddy, whom I met in the late 1960s. To be honest, if I met him on the street, I would never have recognized him as my good pal. We did talk about other buddies, but after 50+ years, his recollections weren't like mine. And his memories revolved around him, while mine, of course, revolved around me. To respond to this thread, I doubt if a spurned lover from 50 years ago will have the same memory as the letter writer.  Her memories will be quite different from his. And if she did recall the writer, she's aware he was a jerk.


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## oldman (Jun 26, 2022)

Update: Yesterday morning I was just going out the door when the phone rang. Normally, when this happens I ignore the phone and let the voice mail pick up the call and the person on the other end can leave a message. This time I decided to answer the phone and it was my old friend that wanted to tell me his news.

He said he wrote and sent the letter he was debating on mailing. An almost month had past when he received a letter back from her thanking him for sending his letter and apologizing for his behavior during their high school days. It was then that he said they decided to meet at a restaurant and catch up on life since those days. At the end of that get-together, they decided to meet once a month just to talk.

He reminded me that I was wrong and that nothing went wrong and it was great getting together and now that they are seeing one another once a month, it turned out even better than he thought it would. I told him that so far he has been lucky, but if he keeps going down this road, it’s only a matter of time that her husband is going to become suspicious and maybe even decide to follow her and then all hell is going to break loose. My advice to him was quit while he’s ahead. He says I’m being paranoid.

Some people just don’t think straight. Truthfully, I think he still has feelings for her and she may also have feelings for him. I can see a storm coming.


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## StarSong (Jun 26, 2022)

I think you're right on the money, @oldman.  

The reason people shy away from playing with fire is we've learned repeatedly how badly we can be burned.  Apparently your friend and his old flame (to continue the metaphor) haven't sufficiently learned this lesson.


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## hollydolly (Jun 26, 2022)

oldman said:


> Update: Yesterday morning I was just going out the door when the phone rang. Normally, when this happens I ignore the phone and let the voice mail pick up the call and the person on the other end can leave a message. This time I decided to answer the phone and it was my old friend that wanted to tell me his news.
> 
> He said he wrote and sent the letter he was debating on mailing. An almost month had past when he received a letter back from her thanking him for sending his letter and apologizing for his behavior during their high school days. It was then that he said they decided to meet at a restaurant and catch up on life since those days. At the end of that get-together, they decided to meet once a month just to talk.
> 
> ...


I agree. if there was nothing more to it, she'd have invited her husband along...


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## Pinky (Jun 26, 2022)

"The grass always looks greener on the other side" ... as the old saying goes.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 26, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I agree. if there was nothing more to it, she'd have invited her husband along...


Or told him. Maybe she told him. That would be good.

But if she did, I bet he'd have wanted to come along.

@oldman - my advice to your friend is to tell his lady friend to tell her husband about the monthly visits. If she says no, then I suspect this is leading to an affair. I bet he doesn't even know about the letter.


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## Wren (Jun 26, 2022)




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## Been There (Jun 27, 2022)

If this man is a good friend, I would tell him to back off. Getting shot is no fun, even if you survive.
Some men are very territorial and that includes counting their wife as a part of their territory, so he should be pleasant to her and walk away while he still can.


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## Warrigal (Jun 27, 2022)

Jules said:


> Is this part of a 12 step apology?
> 
> If not, write the letter and throw it in the garbage afterwards.  I doubt she gives a hoot.


That was my first thought too.


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## Been There (Jun 27, 2022)

Some of you may remember seeing this story on one of those evening true crime shows. While I was in the Marines, my weapons officer and I became pretty good friends. We were in Pensacola, Florida at the time. My weapons officer lived in a condo just off the beach and had another Marine has a boarder. There was a family that lived right next to him and the husband was also an aviator in the Marines. My friend's boarder was a really nice younger man that was kind of shy and a bit lonely as I remember it. As time went by, the boarder became really good friends with the family next door. So much so that he would even watch their young child, which was 2 or 3 years old if the lady wanted to run some errands. 

One day the husband came home and no one else was home. Cell phones were just becoming popular back then (2000) so he called his wife on the phone and no answer. He kept trying until something like 8 at night. He really became worried and called the police. Right after he contacted the police there was a knock on the door. When he answered the door, it was another neighbor holding the baby and she told him that she couldn't keep the baby any longer because she had to go to work at the local jail where she was a corrections officer. The husband now became very concerned. He had his baby, but no wife. 

As it ended up, the boarder became infatuated with the guy's wife and kidnapped her. His plan was to take her to a mountain retreat his family owned in Utah and stay there with her. It took the FBI only about 3 or 4 days to track them down and recover the lady and arrest the boarder. There was a lot more to it, but I didn't want to go into all of the details. The wife was not interested in the boarder, which at first, the FBI thought she may have just ran away with him. This is how things can go wrong when you think a relationship is only friendly.


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## Judycat (Jun 27, 2022)

Blah it's their problem, not yours. Next time, don't answer the phone.


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## caroln (Jun 27, 2022)

I had to stop and think about how it would make me feel if I got such a letter from the guy that made me miserable in high school.  I still remember his name and what he did like it was yesterday.  All I picture myself doing is tearing the letter up into teeny tiny pieces, going out to the yard and setting it on fire.  I've carried a grudge against this guy for over 50 years and no cutesy letter is going to make it right.

Sad that I've carried this with me all these years, but he ruined four years of my life which shaped a lot of my future.

NO, I would NOT want to hear from him...EVER!


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## oldman (Jun 27, 2022)

Warrigal said:


> That was my first thought too.


I was asked that in an earlier post and even though I was sure that he didn’t do drugs, I didn’t know if he was an alcoholic. Kiddingly, I asked him if he was doing this as one of his 12 steps and he laughed and said no.

I decided not to contact him anymore and wait for him to contact me, if he does. He knows that I don’t approve of his handling of this situation, so I will wait and see if he gets back to me.


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## Right Now (Jun 27, 2022)

During our high school years, we have tender emotions that leave a lasting impression in our adult years.  I think each of us has experienced fluttering love, heartbreak, sadness, melancholy, but each time it was a passionate feeling for good or bad.  It's part of growing up.
I have shared some of these times, events, seemed immediate at the time, but just a blip after marriage, divorce, careers.  It's all life's lessons learned, showing us how to make better choices.
I have looked back and laughed at how devastated I was at the time.  These guys had a lot to learn, too.  It's just a part of life.
Having said this, I'm glad to have had these missteps, otherwise my younger years would have been very dull indeed.  Some of my older adult years, too, come to that.


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