# Depression



## 911 (Oct 6, 2015)

I have been feeling a little down for the past week or so and that's not like me at all. I am a very upbeat, positive person. I'm the guy that makes everyone else smile on rainy days. My wife told me this morning that she thought maybe she has my depressive state figured out and I think I agree with her. It was nine years ago last Friday that I was called to the school in Lancaster County Pennsylvania where ten little girls were shot and five were later declared dead from an assassin's attack. I am sure if you Google it, you will be able to find it. I can remember that for weeks after it happened that I kept asking myself "Did that really happen?" 

I was the second Trooper on the scene. It was my most traumatic day as a State Trooper in my 37 years. Please, I am not mentioning this for any pity or words of understanding, but I would appreciate it if you would just quietly remember these children and their families in the way that suits your spirituality. 

Sometimes, I believe that our consciousness remembers things that our minds forget because it was such a horrific event and maybe the brain wants to forget, so we are not aware of this event and may be at peace. I don't know. Maybe I need to go see a shrink. I did have some counseling for a few weeks after this had happened and it did help.


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## AprilT (Oct 6, 2015)

Sorry you are experiencing this, it isn't surprising considering the circumstances.  Talking with your wife and noting the connection is a good first step to hopefully healing your emotional struggles over this and other event which affecting you..

Best, I can offer is a deep appreciation for all you did and do, plus a hug.  Be well


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## Loosey (Oct 6, 2015)

Thank you for being there for the children and their families.  I think you're probably right that traumatic memories rise from our subconscious unbidden.   Counselling will probably help if you don't find you've shaken it soon.

I recently read a review of a book written by the shooter's mother.  My takeaway from the review was the remarkable forgiveness and love demonstrated to her and her family by the Amish community.

Bless you, 911.  I wish you well.


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## hollydolly (Oct 6, 2015)

Oh  911, I'm sorry you had to witness that terrible tragedy. I did google it and yes I remember it now, it was at the one room Amish school. Terrible tragedy akin to a similar shooting that happened in an infant school here in the UK (Dunblane) in '96 where the gunman shot and killed 16 infant school children .. 

Yes we all remember those children, at least I know I do.

My ex was a firefighter so I know exactly the traumatic experiences you emergency guys have to endure at times..and although to a certain extent you do become hardened to it in many ways, there are certainly situations particularly when it comes to children that leave an indelible mark in your mind ! It's not something most of us could ever imagine having to witness!!


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## RadishRose (Oct 6, 2015)

911 said:


> I have been feeling a little down for the past week or so and that's not like me at all. I am a very upbeat, positive person. I'm the guy that makes everyone else smile on rainy days. My wife told me this morning that she thought maybe she has my depressive state figured out and I think I agree with her. It was nine years ago last Friday that I was called to the school in Lancaster County Pennsylvania where ten little girls were shot and five were later declared dead from an assassin's attack. I am sure if you Google it, you will be able to find it. I can remember that for weeks after it happened that I kept asking myself "Did that really happen?"
> 
> I was the second Trooper on the scene. It was my most traumatic day as a State Trooper in my 37 years. Please, I am not mentioning this for any pity or words of understanding, but I would appreciate it if you would just quietly remember these children and their families in the way that suits your spirituality.
> 
> Sometimes, I believe that our consciousness remembers things that our minds forget because it was such a horrific event and maybe the brain wants to forget, so we are not aware of this event and may be at peace. I don't know. Maybe I need to go see a shrink. I did have some counseling for a few weeks after this had happened and it did help.



I remember this event. In fact, I thought about it a few days ago. I'll never forget how their Amish families gave a statement of forgiveness for the killer of their children. They certainly "walked their talk". God bless them.


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## chic (Oct 6, 2015)

*911* didn't they offer support groups for you after your experience? It might have helped you to be part of a group who'd been through something similar and discussing ways to solve the pain that lingers. It could still help. 

Peace - Chic


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## Bobw235 (Oct 6, 2015)

I cannot begin to imagine the emotional pain something like that would bring.  No doubt there are elements of PTSD after such a horrific scene and though you had some counseling at the time, the mind buries it only temporarily.  Certainly my thoughts are with the families of those who lost their lives so many years ago.  I also hope that you can find someone who will help you understand that what you're feeling of late is probably very normal, if not understandable given what you experienced.  Thank you for your service to the community.


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## applecruncher (Oct 6, 2015)

911, it's understandable how you would feel down around the 'anniversary' of such a tragic event, especially in view of recent murders. Sometimes people forget about the horrific scenes that police, etc. walk into and have to deal with to do their jobs.

As far as families, I cannot begin to understand how fsmilies deal with such nightmares. My heard has always ached for people like John Walsh - what happened to his son Adam is ....beyond comprehension. And Dr. William Pettit in Connecticut. And many others.


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## Shalimar (Oct 6, 2015)

911, first of all thank you for your service. Regardless of your country of origin, you represent what law enforcement should be everywhere. Secondly, what you are experiencing, however unpleasant, is perfectly normal under the circumstances. Your subconscious has been triggered by the latest horrific events. Recognising and talking about your emotions is the first step in healing. I think seeing a professional for a time might be beneficial also. You can vent on here as well. I will remember the children, as per your request. :love_heart:


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## Underock1 (Oct 6, 2015)

You sound like you are doing just fine. If you didn't remember, and didn't feel depressed, that would be something to be concerned about. We are all grateful for your being their for your community.


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## fureverywhere (Oct 6, 2015)

I just wonder if there might be mental health services connected to your job. I just work for a lowly big box hardware store but they still have an anonymous line for counseling 24/7. Just being able to put it out there for a stranger can be healing...journal writing too. It doesn't have to make sense and you don't have to read it again. Just a way to get the dark stuff out of your head and into the light can help. <<<Hugs>>>


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 6, 2015)

I'm sure things like that are very hard to forget, and I'm glad you have your wife there to talk with you about it.  Hope you acknowledge the memory and related sadness for what it is, and can feel brighter soon.  Incidents like that, especially involving young children must be very difficult to deal with.  Wishing you the best.


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## hearlady (Nov 3, 2017)

I can certainly understand your mood. That was a very significant tragedy and you were right there. It will be with you always and you'll have deal with it from time to time. Sounds like you have good support.


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## betterMonica (Nov 7, 2017)

I have heard about this case a long time ago and I am sorry anyone saw this or experienced. A shrink will be a good help to forget or to look in another way on this situation. I wish this would be a single case


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