# What to say/what to do



## funsearcher! (Jun 19, 2021)

I have recently learned that 3 people I care about all have stage 4 cancer. I moved 10 hours away last year. What can I say/what can I do to support the dying friends and their families???


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## SmoothSeas (Jun 19, 2021)

that's rather a hard one and I'm usually not at a loss for words.

perhaps you can call Hospice or talk to a clergyman for guidance.  end of life issues can be a tad touchy.


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## Chet (Jun 19, 2021)

There isn't much you can say except you are sorry and offer help in some way.


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## Giantsfan1954 (Jun 19, 2021)

My suggestion would be don’t offer help if you’re not prepared to follow through.
Meaning, the trite call if you need anything should be amended to I want to bring dinner, what day works best? I’d like to help go through paperwork, clothing etc.
I’m going to Walmart(insert store) what can I pick up to save you a trip...
Can I walk the dog, mow the lawn???
Not trying to come off as a wise a*# but when hubby passed any of these offers would have been deeply appreciated.
The most awful part is after the services have ended and the out of town guests are gone that that big deep hole left by the deceased becomes overwhelming and sometimes just getting out of bed is a monumental task.
Just food for thought.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Jun 19, 2021)

Maybe just letting them know that you are there for them if they want to talk or need anything and then don't pester them.
When my mom was diagnosed with cancer she had a good friend who called almost daily and it got to the point where this lady was getting on both our nerves.
My mom was more inclined to talk to family or friends who didn't call that often and she told them that she appreciated the fact that they cared and understood that she didn't want constant phone calls and that she would call if she needed their help.
Everyone is different when you get in that situation but it is one approach that worked for my mom.


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 19, 2021)

funsearcher! said:


> I have recently learned that 3 people I care about all have stage 4 cancer. I moved 10 hours away last year. What can I say/what can I do to support the dying friends and their families???


Sometimes less is more.

If the people you care about know your nature, they know you would be there for them, and sometimes that's comfort enough when it comes to supporting others.

It's what you have inside, not so much what you do on the outside.

Hugs to you, Funsearcher.


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## Knight (Jun 19, 2021)

I'll write this from what I would want from a close friend. 

Recognize they KNOW they are dying of cancer so offering sympathy IMO only adds to the grief they are enduring. If you are in contact with them on a regular basis talk to them as you normally would. 

As for their families explain you know that their loved one is dying of cancer & you would like to not compound their grief by doing anything different than they are used to by you.


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## Gaer (Jun 19, 2021)

I just bought a flower arrangement for my  best friend, in Virgina, because her son just diedof Cancer.
she called and we cried together on the phone.  
i can do no more.


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## funsearcher! (Jun 21, 2021)

Because of the distances, I probably will not be attending the services. Any idea of a gift for the family in lieu of flowers?  I was thinking wind chimes or small garden statue--something easy to send in the mail.


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## terry123 (Jun 21, 2021)

Giantsfan1954 said:


> My suggestion would be don’t offer help if you’re not prepared to follow through.
> Meaning, the trite call if you need anything should be amended to I want to bring dinner, what day works best? I’d like to help go through paperwork, clothing etc.
> I’m going to Walmart(insert store) what can I pick up to save you a trip...
> Can I walk the dog, mow the lawn???
> ...


Great answer.  When I lived closer to family and friends I always brought groceries and cooked at least one dinner for the family.  After everyone left I would do the same.  My boss's wife did that for me when my dad died and I realized how important it was.


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## funsearcher! (Jun 21, 2021)

terry123 said:


> Great answer.  When I lived closer to family and friends I always brought groceries and cooked at least one dinner for the family.  After everyone left I would do the same.  My boss's wife did that for me when my dad died and I realized how important it was.


My problem is that I now live 10 hours away from 2 of these folks and further yet from the 3rd. What to do from afar??


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## SmoothSeas (Jun 21, 2021)

I recently went through the same thing with two old friends, though both have succumbed now.  I showered with note cards or post cards, with just a line or two, inviting them to call, leaving them to do so if they choose 

Once a week or two, I'd try writing a longer letter, Usually dredging up an old memory and saying 'remember when...'  and that was always good to basically fill a page.

I used Prime to send books or other small gifts.  Being supportive from a distance is hard and end of life issues are always a delicate balance,

Hoping you find a way to support your friends and that gives you some comfort, as well.

I always feel so helpless in those situations...


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## Jules (Jun 21, 2021)

funsearcher! said:


> Because of the distances, I probably will not be attending the services. Any idea of a gift for the family in lieu of flowers?  I was thinking wind chimes or small garden statue--something easy to send in the mail.


A donation to a charity of importance to the deceased.


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## oldman (Jun 22, 2021)

When friends ask me this type of question, I tell them to let their heart be their guide. You will never go wrong.


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## fmdog44 (Jul 4, 2021)

My BF in Chicago died a couple weeks ago after a long battle with cancer. One buddy flew in from California another from Tennessee and another from Florida. I stayed here in TX. I stayed because I did not want to see him after talking to his wife. She said he looked terrible and secondly because there is nothing to do or say. My image of him will be what I remember. I regret going to my mom's wake because my dad had an open coffin. Why does anyone need or want to see someone they loved lying dead in a box? My friend's son was killed when he lost control of his corvette and hit a tree. He was so mangled they had about one half inch of wax on his head to make him resemble what he looked like. It was hideous to see. My sister in law died recently and I told her daughters if they insist on an open coffin I won't attend and did not.


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## Gary O' (Jul 4, 2021)

funsearcher! said:


> What can I say/what can I do to support the dying friends and their families???


If you are close enough friends, you already know

If you care, but not so close.....ask *them*


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