# Reflections of a Widower



## spectratg (Aug 30, 2021)

I’ve seen some recent posts from newly widowed women. You have my deepest condolences.

I have been widowed for over 7 years now, after 42 ½ years of marriage. Yes, I’m painfully aware of the fact that what would have been our 50th wedding anniversary is fast approaching.

I’d like to express some of my thoughts on what this traumatic experience has been for me.

My wife’s health had been in gradual decline for several years. But her death was sudden and unexpected. She had had double knee replacement surgery (the day after her birthday) and died less than 4 weeks later due to sepsis. We did not even know that she had it until the day before her death. Because of her poor health, her body did not have any reserves to fight the infection. She did not linger in her suffering.

My daughters and I were with her when she passed. They each had a chance to talk to her and she was responsive up until a few hours before her death.

I don’t know how I could have survived without the love and support of my daughters in the weeks and months (and years) after the death of their mother.

Several months after my wife’s death, I attended a series of grief support meetings with other men who had recently become widowed. For a few hours each time, we laughed and we cried and we talked. Each of us coped with our loss in different ways, but the meetings did help us to realize that the experience we were going through was not unique. That was cathartic. These were men that I had never met before or seen since, but for short periods of time we were members of a common brotherhood that none of us would have ever wanted to belong to, grieving together.

I don’t know if I think about my wife every day, but she certainly is never far from my thoughts.

There is the loneliness of course, not being able to share the mundane aspects of daily life with someone. The long-term feeling for me has been a deep sense of loss, like half of my brain and my memories to that point in time are now gone. And the helpless feeling that my life experiences since then, most especially those with my daughters and their families, are no longer part of our shared consciousness.


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## bowmore (Aug 30, 2021)

My condolences to you on the loss of your wife. i lost mine after 30 years of marriage. I went to one group meeting, and it must not have been the right one for me. The body language of the people turned me off..
I did find comfort in an on line grief recovery group. There is a good one called widowedvillage.org, with some really caring people. The advantage is someone is always there at any time.


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## Jennina (Aug 30, 2021)

I always send this to people who lost their partner. It's an excerpt from the book Man's Search for Meaning. This shows you how to give  meaning to your pain. 



> Once, an elderly general practitioner consulted me because of his severe depression. He could not overcome the loss of his wife who had died two years before and whom he had loved above all else. Now, how can I help him? What should I tell him? Well, I refrained from telling him anything but instead confronted him with the question, “What would have happened, Doctor, if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you?” “Oh,” he said, “for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!” Whereupon I replied, “You see, Doctor, such a suffering has been spared her, and it was you who have spared her this suffering — to be sure, at the price that now you have to survive and mourn her.” He said no word but shook my hand and calmly left my office. In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.


Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
Tags: death, meaning, suffering


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## spectratg (Aug 30, 2021)

Thanks bowmore and Jennina!


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## katlupe (Aug 31, 2021)

I am so sorry about the death of your wife.


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## OneEyedDiva (Aug 31, 2021)

You have my deepest condolences on the loss of your wife. KUDOS to you for attending a support group. Some men would feel it a sign of weakness to do so. It's good that you found comfort and a sense of comraderie there. The grief never truly leaves but I hope that over time, it will be eased and you will be at peace. It's also wonderful that you have loving, caring daughters.


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## Judycat (Aug 31, 2021)

So very sorry for your loss.


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## Devi (Aug 31, 2021)

I'm very sorry for your loss, the loss of living with your wife. I'm hoping that posting here in the SeniorForums might, in some way, help alleviate those feelings.


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## Serenity4321 (Aug 31, 2021)

spectratg​My condolences on your loss. God Bless


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## spectratg (Aug 31, 2021)

Thanks Everyone!!!


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