# Is this misplaced guilt?



## WheatenLover (Jun 22, 2022)

I have always used feeling guilt as a stepping stone to considering my actions - kind of as a warning signal that maybe I am doing something I shouldn't be doing. The situation I'm in now, though, is one I think I must do, but I don't like the effect it will have on my husband.

We have been married for 33 years. We have been separated for 1.5 years. I live in town, and he lives about 11 miles away. We get along fine. He does not support me, and I don't support him, financially. He doesn't support me in other ways either. When I first got cancer, I had to move out. He wouldn't take Covid precautions and very soon the house became a germfest. I was extremely ill, and basically just laid on the sofa and took care of myself.

I will be moving to Mass soon, along with my son, to live with our cousin. We haven't told my husband about this yet. He will be devastated. Our other sons live in CA, and our daughter is moving to CA in a month. 

My husband doesn't like people, in general, and has no personal friends. He doesn't like any of my friends or relatives so we have had no social life during our marriage. He didn't like it when my friends visited - no strangers in the house. As well, my friends don't like him because of the way he treats them. From what he says, he feels superior to most people. He thinks they are stupid. He ignores my friends when (and if) they visit, and he gets angry and frustrated at the stupidity of others, and tells them about it.

He is also disabled. He can barely walk. He has Parkinson's disease, glaucoma, type 2 diabetes, and has had several strokes. He doesn't do things to help himself - like move to a place that is all on one floor, change his eating habits, etc. 

He does not manage money. He doesn't believe in budgets or saving money. He buys what he wants without regard to how much he has in the bank, and overdraws his account. 

He cannot clean up after himself now (very well, anyway), but he never has. He cannot cook because he isn't interested. He eats frozen meals and goes to a restaurant every day. 

His house is the absolutely most unclean house I have ever seen. He has a crop of mice who live there. I cannot clean it because I don't have the stamina and energy to do it, especially when I'd also have to keep up with his daily messes. I also do not want to live in a germ-filled house when I am still recovering from cancer.

He wants me to move back in, basically to the life I left. Clean, cook, do laundry, do his taxes, shop for groceries, solve the problems that arise in his life, never mention saving money or making a budget or moving to a one-floor apartment. Fix everything that needs fixing in the house and 2-acre yard. Never mention anything, actually, that I already know he won't agree with (and that is a lot of topics).

He is lonely, and that's why he says he wants me to move back in with him. But he doesn't talk to me. He talks at me about various topics but doesn't want a conversation. When I talk to him, he reads a book or the Wall Street Journal.

He gets angry easily, at the drop of a hat. When he moved his office into our home about 6 years ago, it took all of us a long time not to startle at his angry outbursts. We'd never heard them because he was only home to sleep, basically. He also says that he will take care of me, but he has never done that in his life. I don't mean financially, I mean me, in my current condition physically.

But I feel guilty about leaving him to move to Mass because he will be totally alone. The Council on Aging folks have visited him and he refuses to accept any help from them. He absolutely *hates* any change, and just refuses to consider it even when it is clearly the best thing for him.

Also, I am 100% sure that he will tell me, at length, how my moving to Mass will ruin his life. I have ruined his life before, and I am really not up for that conversation. Suffice it to say that I can do anything I want to, as far as he is concerned, as long as he either wants me to do it, or it doesn't effect him.

On the bright side, he doesn't drink at all any more (and rarely did), he is not physically violent (and never was), never used any illegal drugs.

This guilt is killing me (not literally). Then it dawned on me that it is misplaced, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm a heartless wife. We aren't getting divorced because it doesn't effect my life to do so, and it would just be another nail in the coffin of me ruining his life.

What do you think? Before anyone says that I am vilifying him, I have tons of support for divorcing him and/or moving to another state (it wasn't originally planned to be Mass). People see things and for decades have told me to exit stage left. He got really mad when I said I was planning to move to Atlanta and said I had to stay or I would ruin his life, and he would not go with me. 

I am moving to Mass because of financial reasons. The best part of this plan is that my cousin is wheelchair-bound with MS and is very lonely. We get along well, and have a lot in common. He is my only relative in the US from the my mother's side of the family (the rest are in Germany).

Is the guilt misplaced in your opinion? If so, how do I rid myself of it? I am dreading telling him I am moving. If I "should" feel guilty, what are your reasons for concluding that?

Thank you for your help.


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## bingo (Jun 22, 2022)

you're  thinking about  it too much...all that  back there's...over....think of your move...new stuff...forge ahead!


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## Pinky (Jun 22, 2022)

Life is short. It's time you did what's best for yourself. Your husband will have to do the same.


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## SeaBreeze (Jun 22, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> But I feel guilty about leaving him to move to Mass because he will be totally alone. The Council on Aging folks have visited him and he refuses to accept any help from them. He absolutely *hates* any change, and just refuses to consider it even when it is clearly the best thing for him.
> 
> Also, I am 100% sure that he will tell me, at length, how my moving to Mass will ruin his life. I have ruined his life before, and I am really not up for that conversation. Suffice it to say that I can do anything I want to, as far as he is concerned, as long as he either wants me to do it, or it doesn't effect him.
> 
> ...


You're a good person and he was blessed that you put up with his BS for as long as you did already.  Please, do not feel guilty at all.  He's a selfish jerk, and if anything, he's ruined your life.

Time to do something for yourself.  Life is short, you're a senior with serious health issues.  You deserve to live your last years in a mentally, emotionally and physically healthy environment.  Time to love yourself and stop thinking about him.  He wants to use you, screw him if he's lonely, most hateful, lazy, selfish people are and they deserve to lie in the bed they made for themselves.

I'll repeat....please do not feel guilty.  He doesn't give a damn about you, your life and your health.  Time for you to move on into the sunshine and rid yourself of that negative gray cloud hovering over your head.  Sending love your way, please change your thinking about this, it's a dead end for you, and he is just going to use you and squeeze every bit he can out of you, he is toxic.  That is no way for you to live and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.  Stop being his doormat.  He's ruined his life, and he is dead set on taking you down with him.  The move is long overdue, IMO.  Hugs.


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## Jace (Jun 22, 2022)

I agree @pinky...& @SeaBreeze


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## hollydolly (Jun 22, 2022)

get the heck outta there. This man despite your history with him and your feelings for him regarding that, is a very selfish person. Yes he's got his own medical problems and that can't be fun for him of course , but he had no interest in you when you needed all the support you could get while fighting cancer.. he simply wasn't interested, and left you to fight it yourself.... ..now you're on the mend he wants you to move back in...

33 years is a long time.. I'm seperated from my husband  for 10 months so I know the pull your husband will still have on you.. but run ..don't walk... get away from him as fast as you can. All the time you're staying around , you're not leading your life.. you've got a chance to lead a _much_ better life than you have for 33 years.. get going now while you still can.. you have nothing to feel guilt about..


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## helenbacque (Jun 22, 2022)

Think of it as self-preservation.  We are all entitled.


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## Nathan (Jun 22, 2022)

@WheatenLover ,   What you describe sounds a lot like what I'm seeing in couples I know / am acquainted with.  I get your feelings of guilt, but by the same token you have needs that only you can fulfill.  Your husband's life situation is his responsibility, but I'm sure you would take care of him, *if only* he would give you "something" of the man that he was(kindness, warmth...) in return.     His anger issues are a sign (in my opinion) of his frustration in life, loss of control over his own destiny etc.  I'm generalizing here, but as I said this situation looks all too familiar.     Be kind, be firm in your commitment to a better life.


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## Knight (Jun 22, 2022)

You feel guilty because you know he is selfish beyond reason. Why do you feel guilty?  Maybe not on purpose but the reality is you  described a man that doesn't care about anyone but himself. 

Why then shouldn't you care about yourself enough to live the rest of your life with some degree of happiness? Go to Mass. & enjoy all there is.


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## Em in Ohio (Jun 22, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> I have always used feeling guilt as a stepping stone to considering my actions - kind of as a warning signal that maybe I am doing something I shouldn't be doing. The situation I'm in now, though, is one I think I must do, but I don't like the effect it will have on my husband.
> 
> We have been married for 33 years. We have been separated for 1.5 years. I live in town, and he lives about 11 miles away. We get along fine. He does not support me, and I don't support him, financially. He doesn't support me in other ways either. When I first got cancer, I had to move out. He wouldn't take Covid precautions and very soon the house became a germfest. I was extremely ill, and basically just laid on the sofa and took care of myself.
> 
> ...


You are already living separately - Why take up a former position as his neglected servant?  I'm glad you made a decision about your move.  Hopefully, that's one big first step towards salvaging the rest of your life.  You have nothing to feel guilty about, in my opinion.  I admire your courage in making this life change.  As for telling him, if it is too difficult to do in person, just write him a short, matter-of-fact letter - I'm moving to Massachusetts on (date).  Not accusatory, not apologetic - Just the fact.   (My opinion only)


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## feywon (Jun 22, 2022)

Can't  add much to what others have said. Most of us have occasions  of appropriate guilt, it is unhealthy to assume misplaced blame/guilt.  The most you should feel bad about is enabling his helplessness and sense of entitlement. Forgive yourself for that and move on.

i have been in similar position tho the marriage was shorter. When decision  to split up was made, i slept on couch for months and continued to drive him to/from work while he procrastinated about even looking for an apt or a vehicle.  When i insisted he finally did find apt but DD & i physically moved his belongings for him and i continued to drive him to work (for 6a.m. shift, my work started at 8) for weeks till he found a vehicle. Finally had to say 'enough'. Got divorce done, goodbye!

At least it is unlikely your estranged husband  could do more than make angry phone calls &/or write angry letters.  Mine stalked me at 2yrs and 7yrs post divorce.


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## Paco Dennis (Jun 22, 2022)

I think you need to get a divorce. It could get very complicated with both of you headed down hill. You could still take care of him when needed, but the legal side would be finished, and probably the guilt.


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## Gary O' (Jun 22, 2022)

Is this misplaced guilt?​
Your answers below



WheatenLover said:


> My husband doesn't like people, in general, and has no personal friends. He doesn't like any of my friends or relatives so we have had no social life during our marriage.





WheatenLover said:


> He is lonely, and that's why he says he wants me to move back in with him. But he doesn't talk to me. He talks at me about various topics but doesn't want a conversation. When I talk to him, he reads a book or the Wall Street Journal.


Sounds like he really likes himself
So.....seems you're doing him a favor by leaving him to himself......all day.......all night

Bottom line;
He seems quite selfish
Needs professional help


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## Nathan (Jun 22, 2022)

Gary O' said:


> Needs professional help


Again(IMO) he's missed a lifetime of personal growth, a professional can help....but it takes the realization on his part to make that happen.


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 22, 2022)

WheatenLover..I am trying to figure out why in the world would you feel guilty...  From what I read you have been there for him over and over. We can't help people who do not want to help themselves. Sounds like you are in a no-win situation and are punishing yourself and maybe do not feel you are worthy of happiness for yourself? I don't know but I do know we all have to be our own best friend. I wish you could be kinder to yourself. You sound like a very lovely, caring person, to him but not to yourself.  You tried but at some point, you might want to consider there is a limit to what can be done for your husband. I think you have reached it and have to take better care of yourself.​You deserve to be happy...Perhaps your husband will have to hit rock bottom and maybe he will change, but it does not sound as if he will. That can't be your responsibility and certainly, you have no reason to feel guilty. Please be good to yourself and for once do what is in your best interest. I wish you all the best of health and happiness!​


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## Jules (Jun 22, 2022)

Yes, IMO, and if you look back at your marriage you‘ll probably realize he was always making you feel guilty or inadequate even though you weren’t either.  It was a form of mental abuse to control you.  

Get out of Dodge as quickly as possible and don’t let him know too far ahead.  Maybe if you’re not there, he’ll finally take some of the care offered by the system.


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## officerripley (Jun 22, 2022)

I agree with everything everyone else has said. It sounds to me as if you have no reason to feel guilty but are because you are a caring person. I do hope you can make the move to Mass and as painful as it is cut the ties with him. I wish the very best for you, you deserve it.


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## HoneyNut (Jun 22, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> I will be moving to Mass soon, along with my son, to live with our cousin. We haven't told my husband about this yet. He will be devastated. Our other sons live in CA, and our daughter is moving to CA in a month.
> 
> My husband doesn't like people, in general, and has no personal friends. ....
> 
> He is also disabled. He can barely walk. He has Parkinson's disease, glaucoma, type 2 diabetes, and has had several strokes.



I can see why you feel guilty, is there anything you can do to feel like you aren't abandoning him?  Someone on these boards (I think) talked about they have a weekly family zoom get together, could you get your husband and CA family members to participate in something like that, then at least once a week he would get some human interaction with people he is familiar with and you could keep an eye on him in case you need to contact someone to go help him.
Does he own the house he lives in, if so, you could suggest to him that he could sell it and move to MA also (and then probably hope he doesn't!).


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## RubyK (Jun 22, 2022)

Move! I think of you laying on the couch suffering with cancer while he did not take care of you. Get yourself to Main. Do not invite him to move there! Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing.


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## Wren (Jun 22, 2022)

Inform the necessary authorities so that he will be offered help then go, and don’t look back is my advice, good luck and happiness to you and your son


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## Mizmo (Jun 22, 2022)

Just pack your bags and *GO !!!!*


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## win231 (Jun 22, 2022)

Your husband didn't become the person you describe overnight.  Why would you choose to live with someone like that for 33 years??
Perhaps low self esteem - thinking that's all you deserve?  Maybe that's also why you feel guilty.


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## hollydolly (Jun 22, 2022)

HoneyNut said:


> I can see why you feel guilty, is there anything you can do to feel like you aren't abandoning him?  Someone on these boards (I think) talked about they have a weekly family zoom get together, could you get your husband and CA family members to participate in something like that, then at least once a week he would get some human interaction with people he is familiar with and you could keep an eye on him in case you need to contact someone to go help him.
> Does he own the house he lives in, if so, you could suggest to him that he could sell it and move to MA also (and then probably hope he doesn't!).


NO way...  she needs a clean break from this guy... she doesn't owe him a thing. He doesn't like family or friends in any case..., it's not up to her to find him friends, he's a grown man


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## Trish (Jun 22, 2022)

@WheatenLover It makes me sad to think of anyone having to cope with cancer and living in the situation you have described.  If I were you, I would just pack and move on as fast as I could.  The more you talk to your estranged husband about your plans, the more complicated and difficult it will become for both of you. 

Once you have moved on and feel stronger, you may want to get some advice re the divorce.  I have no idea what the matrimonial laws are in the US but, you want to make sure that you, as his wife, will not be responsible for any debts he may incur. 

Best wishes for a happier future


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## AprilSun (Jun 22, 2022)

The reason you feel guilty is because that is what he wants you to do. He wants you there to look after him. Well, he didn't look after you when you were sick with cancer. He uses you so please, don't let him use you again. Move and don't talk to him about it until after you have moved. I wouldn't do it even then. You need to do what's best for you and not what's best for him!


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## Lewkat (Jun 22, 2022)

Forget the guilt part.  You deserve the medal of honor for a lousy marriage.  Do not allow this man pull any of his foolishness on you forthwith.  Go and enjoy the rest of your life.


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## oldman (Jun 22, 2022)

Sounds like you are or may have been co-dependent at one time. With only hearing one side of the story and if everything is exactly as you have described it to be, I think you should do what’s best for you without any guilt.

I wish you luck with your new venture and that you are strong enough to stick with your plans.


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## SeaBreeze (Jun 22, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> NO way...  she needs a clean break from this guy... she doesn't owe him a thing. He doesn't like family or friends in any case..., it's not up to her to find him friends, he's a grown man


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## RadishRose (Jun 22, 2022)

I've never seen anyone obsess about guilt to this extreme.

Does it make you feel important? Does your slavish desire to be at his beck and call assure you you are a worthy woman?

Get out of there asap. Don't even tell him. Let his kids worry about him. Oh, they can't? Too bad...they can and will, once you've stood up to everyone.

No matter what you tell yourself, you DO NOT deserve this abuse! But if you insist that you do, have at it.

In either case, I wish you the best.


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## SeaBreeze (Jun 22, 2022)

@WheatenLover 

Please keep in mind that you are in control of how you react to others, you are in control of how much you let them negatively affect you, you are in control of your future life. Don't sell yourself short. I have no doubt you may feel some guilt because you're a caring person, but you should stop thinking and living in the past. Embrace the reality of the present and cherish it, look forward to a bright future after you make the move. I know you have loved ones who care about you and support you, take advantage and give yourself some much deserved TLC. Don't let any more time slip away.


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## palides2021 (Jun 22, 2022)

Although you've mentioned you feel guilty about leaving your husband, there are other things to think about - Whatever you do, look at this move to MASS as TEMPORARY. Do not put all your eggs in one basket. Nothing is written in stone. Although you like your cousin, it's been from a distance. You were in your house and he was in his house. This will be the first time you will be living with this person. There might be expectations of you that you were not aware of. Since you're dealing with cancer, can you live up to his expectations? Does he represent a substitute for your husband? If you need to tell your husband you will be leaving, say it's for a little while. Don't let him know everything you are doing. Also, don't commit to anything until you've lived in Mass for a few months. Then you can decide what to do next. These are my thoughts. Good luck and God bless!


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## katlupe (Jun 23, 2022)

You have no reason to feel guilty. He should be the one feeling guilt. Now is your time. Do you really want to go back to that life? No, you don't. Self-care is not being selfish or anything to feel guilt about.


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## Alligatorob (Jun 23, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> Is the guilt misplaced in your opinion?


Sounds like it is.  But after so many years of marriage it is understandable.


WheatenLover said:


> If so, how do I rid myself of it?


Just do your best to move on, and remember this is not your fault, and not something you should feel guilty about.


WheatenLover said:


> I am dreading telling him I am moving.


I am sure you are, but just do it, the sooner the better.  You can be as kind about it as possible, but it needs to be firm.


WheatenLover said:


> If I "should" feel guilty, what are your reasons for concluding that?


I don't and the only reasons I can think of are from misplaced feelings of obligation.  Do you best to do this, and move on.  It may be hard in the short term, but longer term it sounds like you will be happier.  He might or might not be, but you are beyond being responsible for that.


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## Ronni (Jun 23, 2022)

Your husband is abusive. Not physically but in other ways. I’ve been where you were. I was married to the same kind of man as you for 30+ years before I found the courage to leave.

In spite of an abundance of valid reasons why I should leave, it still took me a long time, and the guilt was crippling when I did, but balanced by relief at no longer having to live with him.

A lot of therapy, support groups, self help and personal education of that personality type took care of the guilt. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. I and others can tell you that till we’re hoarse, but until you can value yourself enough to realize you don’t deserve the treatment you received at his hands, and DO deserve a fulfilling life, you will continue to feel guilty.

I know that’s harsh, and I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I understand thoroughly what you’re going through and that is the only reason that your guilt is crippling you.

I wish for you the very best!


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## Lavinia (Jun 23, 2022)

You know very well that you are doing the right thing...you owe this man nothing.  You just wanted the people here to confirm it. They have...now pack your bags and go...and I hope everything works out for you.


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## Remy (Jun 23, 2022)

Oh @WheatenLover I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. Please make this move!!! You have guilt because you have a heart and soul.

People like this do not change and he'll end up killing you. There is nothing you can do for him. If he wants to live like that he will. He could move to something more suitable and have services come in and help but he clearly chooses not to do so. Sometimes these people want to take everyone around them down with them. And that's what he would do to you. My mother abused my stepfather, including physically, and turned around stating he didn't treat her well. A total lie. 

They have no insight into themselves and their behavior but they can sure dish it out to others. 

Go, your guilt is normal. But this sounds best for you. Please do the move.


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## Victor (Jun 23, 2022)

I tend to agree with the others. No time for guilt.


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## Shalimar (Jun 23, 2022)

*Yes, your guilt is misplaced. You need to care for yourself. He refuses constructive help, battles change, and does not care for your well being. He chooses to be alone. He ruins his own life, you are saving yours. Don’t buy into his selfish guilt trips. Stand strong, you have the right to a life of your own. *


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## WheatenLover (Jun 23, 2022)

feywon said:


> At least it is unlikely your estranged husband  could do more than make angry phone calls &/or write angry letters.  Mine stalked me at 2yrs and 7yrs post divorce.


My husband is not inclined to be a stalker, even if he could be one. He's more of a manipulator. Now that I see that, even if not completely, I don't automatically respond by giving him whatever he wants. I give myself points for that, because my knee-jerk reaction is to fix the problem.


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## Packerjohn (Jun 23, 2022)

Sounds like your living in one of them there "abusive situations."  I say enough is enough.  He has controlled you enough.  Marriage should be more or less, 50/50.  It sounds like 90/10 in his favour.  Make plans to go and GO!


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## WheatenLover (Jun 23, 2022)

Shalimar said:


> *Yes, your guilt is misplaced. You need to care for yourself. He refuses constructive help, battles change, and does not care for your well being. He chooses to be alone. He ruins his own life, you are saving yours. Don’t buy into his selfish guilt trips. Stand strong, you have the right to a life of your own. *


I am reading a book on adult ADHD which will be published in December (an advance reading copy through NetGalley). Surprisingly, it devotes considerable attention to seniors, especially to retired seniors. There is a lot of information there, and even if it would have done a retired person a lot of good to have had been diagnosed decades earlier, the author is adamant that it also does a lot of good to be treated for ADHD (if you are diagnosed with it) after retirement.

In reading about the three types of ADHD, it seems to me that one of those types fits my husband -- in fact, I would not be surprised to find out he has both autism and ADHD. This is not a diagnosis and will never be, because my husband would never get diagnosed.

Plus, none of that effects my decision to move to Mass.

BUT if any of you are interested in reading the book, you can join netgalley.com . In return for your honest reviews of the books you read, you get to read them now. It took me awhile to figure netgalley out - but I did, and if you need help doing so, just let me know (through the letter icon to the right of your user name on the top bar of the pages here).


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## WheatenLover (Jun 23, 2022)

Packerjohn said:


> Sounds like your living in one of them there "abusive situations."  I say enough is enough.  He has controlled you enough.  Marriage should be more or less, 50/50.  It sounds like 90/10 in his favour.  Make plans to go and GO!


That's what my kids think. They spent years trying to convince me that is true. 

But what finally got me out of there, besides the cancer/covid situation, was that I finally had a chance for financial independence due to an inheritance from my mother. This, in turn, gave me an opportunity to live the life I wanted to live, as my real self.  I had planned to move to Atlanta without my husband before cancer/covid happened. I was in Atlanta looking for a house to buy when covid came to my town, and I hightailed it back here.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 23, 2022)

Lewkat said:


> Forget the guilt part.  You deserve the medal of honor for a lousy marriage.  Do not allow this man pull any of his foolishness on you forthwith.  Go and enjoy the rest of your life.


No, no medal of honor, lest we forget I am human too -- complete with failures and plenty of faults. I once threw a can of food at my husband. Lucky for him, my ability to hit what I throw something at hovers at around zero. I also have a temper and when I reached a certain level of high frustration and anger, I yelled at my husband. I tamped that down for the last 4 or 5 years, and gave myself a medal for patience (which I think I have lots of, but not so many other people do because they can't see inside my head).

What I should have done was be less honest, and squirreled away cash that my husband didn't know about. He would never have missed his money being gone, because he didn't keep track of it.

I felt trapped by financial dependence on my husband, and having to care for 4 little kids close in age (triplets + one a year and half younger, two with autism, and the same to with medical problems that required surgery and/or treatment). The financial dependence was caused by my not being able to work (although I tried several times, with a business and a law practice, but it just was not feasible). It was also caused by the fact that not one single asset was in my name, even jointly. I didn't get into that quietly, but my husband had the power and he refused to have anything in my name.

In 2018, when my mom gave me her old car, my husband right away offered to handle the hassle of getting it registered in PA. I didn't let him - I had the power. Same thing happened when I bought my Subaru in 2019, but again, I had the power.


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## Shalimar (Jun 23, 2022)

palides2021 said:


> Although you've mentioned you feel guilty about leaving your husband, there are other things to think about - Whatever you do, look at this move to MASS as TEMPORARY. Do not put all your eggs in one basket. Nothing is written in stone. Although you like your cousin, it's been from a distance. You were in your house and he was in his house. This will be the first time you will be living with this person. There might be expectations of you that you were not aware of. Since you're dealing with cancer, can you live up to his expectations? Does he represent a substitute for your husband? If you need to tell your husband you will be leaving, say it's for a little while. Don't let him know everything you are doing. Also, don't commit to anything until you've lived in Mass for a few months. Then you can decide what to do next. These are my thoughts. Good luck and God bless!


QFT.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 23, 2022)

bingo said:


> you're  thinking about  it too much...all that  back there's...over....think of your move...new stuff...forge ahead!


You wrote this post yesterday, and I read it, and it inspired my thoughts that day. Thank you!

I get depressed sometimes because my last years are not being spent the way I wanted them to, and the way they could have been. Usually Effexor keeps these thoughts at bay, along with me being mindful not to have them.

Yesterday, after running out of Effexor for a few days, the depressive thoughts returned. I decided not to let the current situation get me down, and to overcome it. I have had lots of experience with that in my life, so there is every reason to believe that I can do it again.

I am tired of overcoming my circumstances, and thought that had ended, is all. Well time to buck up.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 23, 2022)

oldman said:


> Sounds like you are or may have been co-dependent at one time. With only hearing one side of the story and if everything is exactly as you have described it to be, I think you should do what’s best for you without any guilt.
> 
> I wish you luck with your new venture and that you are strong enough to stick with your plans.


Thank you. I thought so too, so I re-read Co-Dependent No More about six months ago.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 23, 2022)

Paco Dennis said:


> I think you need to get a divorce. It could get very complicated with both of you headed down hill. You could still take care of him when needed, but the legal side would be finished, and probably the guilt.


You are probably correct. I am going to look into this, especially with regard to my legal responsibilities as his wife. I've been thinking about it, but leery because of the huge problems that will occur if I bring up the topic.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 23, 2022)

Gary O' said:


> Bottom line;
> He seems quite selfish
> Needs professional help


He is the most mentally healthy person he has ever met, and I am crazy. He refuses any help. He had competition, my mom also said that about herself.

Today my son was worried because my husband hasn't answered the phone in a few days, and has not replied to my emails. He wanted me to drive him over there so we could check to make sure his dad was okay. I said no. I did call the neighbor to ask him to see if my husband's car was there, but he wasn't home.

I told my son that either my husband was out gallivanting, or dead, or had fallen and couldn't get up. My son was going to check whether his car was parked at his house, via Google Earth, but decided not to, so that was that. We went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds, and when we returned, my husband was parked at my house. It was 6 o'clock, and my son had invited him to dinner at Texas Roadhouse for 4 o'clock. So my son hopped out of the car to go with his father, and I went into the house to take my meds and turn down (!) an invitation from my daughter to get ice-cream at DQ. I still can't get over how I turned down DQ.


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## jujube (Jun 23, 2022)

I think a divorce is in order.


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## Paco Dennis (Jun 23, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> You are probably correct. I am going to look into this, especially with regard to my legal responsibilities as his wife. I've been thinking about it, but leery because of the huge problems that will occur if I bring up the topic.


  Talk to your lawyer first, so that you can defend your decision on legal and financial grounds not emotional ones.


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## Tish (Jun 23, 2022)

It's time to think of yourself and your own happiness, you devoted 33 years of your life to him.
Time to let go of this misplaced guilt and go enjoy your life, you survived cancer, now go live.


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## hollydolly (Jun 24, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> He is the most mentally healthy person he has ever met, and I am crazy. He refuses any help. He had competition, my mom also said that about herself.
> 
> Today my son was worried because my husband hasn't answered the phone in a few days, and has not replied to my emails. He wanted me to drive him over there so we could check to make sure his dad was okay. I said no. I did call the neighbor to ask him to see if my husband's car was there, but he wasn't home.
> 
> I told my son that either my husband was out gallivanting, or dead, or had fallen and couldn't get up. My son was going to check whether his car was parked at his house, via Google Earth, but decided not to, so that was that. We went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds, and when we returned, my husband was parked at my house. It was 6 o'clock, and my son had invited him to dinner at Texas Roadhouse for 4 o'clock. So my son hopped out of the car to go with his father, and I went into the house to take my meds and turn down (!) an invitation from my daughter to get ice-cream at DQ. I still can't get over how I turned down DQ.


Fantastic... you've made the first step.....now keep going, and don't look back, and I don't mean about the ice -cream. 

Incidentally that sentence,  quote '' _He is the most mentally healthy person he has ever met, and I am crazy._''... has summed up my husband too.... I'm going to use that when describing him in the future


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## jet (Jun 24, 2022)

wrong thread  oops


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## Serenity4321 (Jun 24, 2022)

win231 said:


> Your husband didn't become the person you describe overnight.  Why would you choose to live with someone like that for 33 years??
> Perhaps low self esteem - thinking that's all you deserve?  Maybe that's also why you feel guilty.


Hindsight is 20/20..I think we have all looked at past behaviors and asked ourselves..why did I do that..At the time there seem to be good reasons...but we can all choose to be kinder to ourselves going forward..


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## Jeni (Jun 24, 2022)

It is hard  to let go of guilt.......... after years of excusing behavior etc. ................. 
I have been in similar shoes ..... my spouse has some similar issues .... I also plan on leaving .... and file for divorce.
I think my husband will have a horrible existence after i leave .....his choice/ he made his bed now must lay in it..............Frankly kids want NOTHING to do with him ........... i have tried to be understanding and patient as i think he is having a struggle realizing he is older then he imagines he is....

This is not the person he once was ..... all the "friendly advice" i have received to run off or leave ASAP ....... 
 That does not take into consideration as to  why.............. he has become this way.......


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## OneEyedDiva (Jun 24, 2022)

Your ex is manipulating you! Plain and simple. He's gotten into your head and managed to lay his burdens squarely on your shoulders. And apparently it worked since you have to ask if you should feel guilty or not.  This was my initial feeling. Reading your latest reply, I see that you refused to play into the latest scenario. Good for you!  Continue to take care of YOU. Do what's best for YOU! I saw this on FB and I think it's apropos for your situation. This was a screenshot..the click to play won't work.  Wishing you the best outcome.


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## Jan14 (Jun 24, 2022)

You’ve given him enough time to change his ways.  He’s not going to change.  You’re happier living without him, and you need to take care of yourself!  Stop feeling guilty and move on with your life.  I wish you the best!


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## WheatenLover (Jul 5, 2022)

palides2021 said:


> Although you've mentioned you feel guilty about leaving your husband, there are other things to think about - Whatever you do, look at this move to MASS as TEMPORARY. Do not put all your eggs in one basket. Nothing is written in stone. Although you like your cousin, it's been from a distance. You were in your house and he was in his house. This will be the first time you will be living with this person. There might be expectations of you that you were not aware of. Since you're dealing with cancer, can you live up to his expectations? Does he represent a substitute for your husband? If you need to tell your husband you will be leaving, say it's for a little while. Don't let him know everything you are doing. Also, don't commit to anything until you've lived in Mass for a few months. Then you can decide what to do next. These are my thoughts. Good luck and God bless!


Nope. In fact, he is one of my most admired people. Always willing to look at both sides of a situation, generous, funny, smart, and most of all cheerful. This even though he has a paralyzed hand and is in a wheelchair from multiple sclerosis. With this, he is still able to volunteer. He is on the board of the senior center, having had to give up being on the school board and the chief of the volunteer fire department. 

He is very straightforward. No beating around the bush, no games. I especially like that about him. And he has two dogs (Australian Shepherds), and can't wait to have my dog there.

He has his faults. For one thing, he talks too much (pot calling the kettle black). And his sense of humor isn't always to my liking (he can be a bit crude), and we agree on our political and societal views. We also have a lot of the same interests.

My eggs aren't in one basket. My son and I are going to give it a year, to see how things are working out. My dog will be in hog heaven to have other dogs to play with, and another person to keep an eye on.


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## WheatenLover (Jul 5, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> I've never seen anyone obsess about guilt to this extreme.
> 
> Does it make you feel important? Does your slavish desire to be at his beck and call assure you you are a worthy woman?
> 
> ...


No, it doesn't make me feel important. I cannot be at his beck and call. I cannot let him negatively affect my life.

However, he is an old man in bad physical health and he will have no one here to turn to. Yes, this is of his own making, but I don't like to see anyone suffer. All of his problems are magnified or caused by his actions, which have not changed one whit over the years, no matter the consequences.

I was raised, 100%, to be cognizant of meeting the needs of others, whether they asked me to or not. This is not a good thing. Because I turned into someone who is a need-meeter in many ways, sort of like it was my purpose in life. My own needs often came last. Not so much any more, especially since cancer and covid.

I lived an hour away from him in Mass, so we know one another pretty well. I can be myself with him, totally, and he is always himself.


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## WheatenLover (Jul 5, 2022)

Jan14 said:


> You’ve given him enough time to change his ways.  He’s not going to change.  You’re happier living without him, and you need to take care of yourself!  Stop feeling guilty and move on with your life.  I wish you the best!


Yeah, I know. He is not the man I thought I married. 

Sometimes I wonder if he can change his ways. It's a real puzzle how he is the way he is.


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## Shalimar (Jul 5, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> Yeah, I know. He is not the man I thought I married.
> 
> Sometimes I wonder if he can change his ways. It's a real puzzle how he is the way he is.


He can’t change, but you can. Who can be certain what made him as he is? But, what is certain is the toxicity of having him nearby will have a deleterious effect on your physical and emotional well being. Do not sacrifice yourself. Get out of there as soon as you can. Hugs.


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## Jan14 (Jul 5, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> Yeah, I know. He is not the man I thought I married.
> 
> Sometimes I wonder if he can change his ways. It's a real puzzle how he is the way he is.


If he wants to change, he can.


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## Jeni (Jul 5, 2022)

WheatenLover said:


> Yeah, I know. He is not the man I thought I married.
> 
> Sometimes I wonder if he can change his ways. It's a real puzzle how he is the way he is.


I agree ... having my own issues with my spouse he has withdrawn and changed and is NOT the person i married... 
he does not see it .... moved out a week ago to live with my son and his spouse     
feel much better and sleep better too



Jan14 said:


> If he wants to change, he can.


most like this type do not see it as them but other people and they simply do not care to change or alter anything IMO


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