# How to decline an invitation gracefully



## AprilSun (Oct 16, 2015)

How do you get out of going to a family gathering when you don't have a good excuse? My family including cousins are meeting at a restaurant for lunch and I just don't care anything about going this time. It was just 2 weeks ago that this same group except for 2 gathered at one of their houses. I just don't want to go this time but I don't know how to get out of it without hurting feelings or lying and I'm not going to lie. They are wanting an answer now so they can get a "head count" to give the restaurant.  My family is the type that if you don't do something, questions are asked. They want to know, WHY didn't you go, etc. It's like you're "expected" to go regardless if you want to or not. So it's not as simple as just not showing up. How do you handle this sort of thing?


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## AZ Jim (Oct 16, 2015)

Simply answer, "I'm sorry but I am unable to attend, refer any questions to my counsel who is out of the country for about a month."


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## Underock1 (Oct 16, 2015)

I hope I don't offend you here, but maybe its time they became adults and just accepted your wishes for what they are.
Its not a crime to say "I had a great time a couple of weeks ago. I love you all very much. I'm just a bit tired and want some time to relax and do my own thing."


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## Falcon (Oct 16, 2015)

If you can't lie, you might be better off going.


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 16, 2015)

You have to tell a white lie, unless you want to be really truthful and tell them you don't want to get together again so soon.  I'd just say that I'd rather not come, and if they ask why, just say I'm not up to it, that's all.  They should just accept that answer, it's rude of them if they press you harder for specifics.


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## jujube (Oct 16, 2015)

Take some tips from the animals:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lindseyrobertson/totally-legitimate-excuses-for-not-going-out-tonight


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## AprilSun (Oct 17, 2015)

I have received an email asking if I'm going and I just said, "No, not this time" and didn't give a reason. Now we wait for the questions.  Maybe I SHOULD tell them   “If I don’t stay home and do laundry I will literally have to go naked and you don't want me to do that, do you?” and see how they react to that.  
Thanks everyone for your comments and Underock1, no, you didn't offend me so don't worry about that.


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## Butterfly (Oct 17, 2015)

Make other plans and tell them you have other plans?  I mean, staying home to wash your hair is other plans, no?

I HATE when people try to push me into going to things I don't want to go to.


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## RadishRose (Oct 17, 2015)

Like SB said, just say you're not up to it. That's essentially the truth.

 If you think they will press for details and don't want to hurt their feelings-
LIE!

I think it's one or the other.


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## AprilSun (Oct 17, 2015)

Usually if I say I've made other plans, they ask "what". They are also very nosey.  I'll come up with something because I refuse to go!!!!


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## RadishRose (Oct 17, 2015)

jujube said:


> Take some tips from the animals:
> 
> http://www.buzzfeed.com/lindseyrobertson/totally-legitimate-excuses-for-not-going-out-tonight



Those were hilarious! The cat in the washing machine, LOL!


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## applecruncher (Oct 17, 2015)

I like # 22.
Lather, rinse, repeat (if necessary) until it sinks in.
Works for me everytime. No excuses, lies, or details necessary.

"I just don't want to. Thanks, anyway."


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## Linda (Oct 17, 2015)

I'd just say No, I'm not in the mood to be around people today.  Or, I feel like I need some alone time, I'd be pretty cranky if I showed up and you don't want that.  Or if it wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings, I better not, today I think I'd rather look a cow in the behind than a person in the face.  (I've never used that last excuse but I always remember it cause a man who owned a small gas station/store next door to us up in Oregon, said that.)


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## applecruncher (Oct 17, 2015)

^^ :laugh: Linda

Seriously, though, Butterfly said:


> I HATE when people try to push me into going to things I don't want to go to.



So do I. But in order for pushy people to be successful they have to have the cooperation and permission of their targets. Stop giving it to them and they will stop pushing.


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## AprilSun (Oct 27, 2015)

AprilSun said:


> I have received an email asking if I'm going and I just said, "No, not this time" and didn't give a reason.



This was a mistake. I was called this morning by the one that thinks "I should go" to these events. I didn't mention it but of course she brought it up. After she tells me how much fun they had she said someone asked where I was at. Her response to them was, "She didn't want to come". She was right, I didn't but I didn't tell her I didn't want to go. For all she knows, I could have had other plans that I didn't want to discuss with her. I just thought it was very rude and inconsiderate of her to tell him that especially when she was "assuming" that was why. If there comes a time again that I don't want to go, I will say, "I have other plans". But, then I have to come up with something to say to her to "shut her up" because I'm not going to tell what my other plans will be. This lady is the type of person that if I say the moon is round, she will argue and say "No, it's not. It is square." That is the way she is.


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## Shalimar (Oct 27, 2015)

AprilSun, IMHO, sometimes playing the probabilities just doesn't work. Sadly, there  are pushy people that don't give a rat's ear what your reasons are for not doing what they want you to do. To them,  word no is like a red flag to a bull. Not all of us are comfortable using aggressive tactics when dealing with such toxic persons. Bullies do not respond to reason either. My way 

of dealing with such individuals, is to do or say what works for me--attempt to minimize fallout where possible, but if necessary, I have walked away on or offline from chronically contentious people. In the end, I still won't fall in line with their wishes against my will. That sort of compliance eats a hole in my self esteem. Not acceptable! Tussles, however distressing, upset me less.


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## Butterfly (Oct 27, 2015)

Well, AprilSun, you certainly had every right in the world to just say no, as you did.  Just because someone invites you somewhere does not in any scenario mean you have to go.  If the other person has a problem with it, it's hers, not yours.  Good for you for taking back your power and not knuckling under to demands of a controlling individual!


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## mitchezz (Oct 27, 2015)

April you need a Bunbury in your life. In The Importance of Being Earnest Algernon(or was it Jack?) invented a friend called Bunbury who was always in need of his assistance whenever he received an invitation he didn't want to accept.


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## Butterfly (Oct 27, 2015)

Great idea -- an imaginary friend with whom you have plans!  I love it.  I think I'll use it.


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## AprilSun (Oct 28, 2015)

mitchezz said:


> April you need a Bunbury in your life. In The Importance of Being Earnest Algernon(or was it Jack?) invented a friend called Bunbury who was always in need of his assistance whenever he received an invitation he didn't want to accept.



Thanks everyone for your comments! I will never go anywhere just because  she thinks I should. If I go, it will be because I want to or because *I* think I should. Mitchezz, I like your idea too!!!! Maybe I should name my TV or my crochet hook Jack, Joe, or something but make it a male name and then the next time this happens, tell her "I have a date with Jack"!  That would give them something interesting to talk about at the event.


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## Cookie (Oct 28, 2015)

That sounds like a great idea, AprilSun.  Or just scream at them, 'leave me alone, leave me alone' and go running into the night.  (lol)


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## Shalimar (Oct 28, 2015)

Cookie, I like it. Sooo not repressed. Lol.


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## mitchezz (Oct 28, 2015)

AprilSun said:


> Thanks everyone for your comments! I will never go anywhere just because  she thinks I should. If I go, it will be because I want to or because *I* think I should. Mitchezz, I like your idea too!!!! Maybe I should name my TV or my crochet hook Jack, Joe, or something but make it a male name and then the next time this happens, tell her "I have a date with Jack"!  That would give them something interesting to talk about at the event.



I like the way you think!


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## mitchezz (Oct 28, 2015)

Butterfly said:


> Great idea -- an imaginary friend with whom you have plans!  I love it.  I think I'll use it.



Oscar Wilde was a very clever man.


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## AprilSun (Oct 29, 2015)

mitchezz said:


> I like the way you think!



LOL!!! I've been told a time or two that I'm "crazy", "mischievous", and then some call me "meanness" so take your pick. I just like to have fun with people but in a way that no one is hurt or have hard feelings about it. In this case, boy, would I get the questions but no one should be hurt and would have no right to get mad!!!!!


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## Cookie (Oct 29, 2015)

Its almost impossible to please everyone -- I know I don't have to go anywhere I don't want to, especially since I've retired. I don't need approval or to please anyone -- I tried that and it doesn't work anyway.  Being compliant and passive about it, and even lying sometimes takes its toll on our self esteem and self-respect.  If I don't want to go, I usually have a good reason, not feeling up to it, or busy doing something else or not interested.  Why not just be honest and true to yourself and say nicely, 'Sorry, I'm busy, or not up to it, or don't like that restaurant, or whatever.....without guilt."  This isn't Edwardian England.  We are free and we don't have a 'duty' to perform social functions. Visiting a sick friend is different, or going to your mother's for lunch, but letting a whole family or group coerce you into their agenda?  No way. Backbone, backbone!


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## Falcon (Oct 29, 2015)

Lady?   She's no lady and doesn't deserve to be called one.  AprilSun.


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## fishfulthinking (Oct 29, 2015)

Do your best to not let it bother you.  Never feel pressured to commit, and never feel pressured to tell everyone everything.    
Tell them all something outlandish and see how they run with it 
Nothing more fun then giving some people something crazy to talk about


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## AprilSun (Oct 29, 2015)

Falcon said:


> Lady?   She's no lady and doesn't deserve to be called one.  AprilSun.


I agree! I hope she made herself look as bad to them as she did to me by telling them I didn't want to go. I never thought she would stoop that low and in my book, that was low and inconsiderate of her. She could have just said, No, she didn't come today. She didn't have to give a reason!



fishfulthinking said:


> Do your best to not let it bother you.  Never feel pressured to commit, and never feel pressured to tell everyone everything.
> Tell them all something outlandish and see how they run with it
> Nothing more fun then giving some people something crazy to talk about



It just bothers me that she would do that to them! But, as I said, maybe she made herself look bad instead of me. She is known for this type of behavior if I don't do as "she thinks you should". I think that is what makes her do this stuff is because when she says "jump" I don't ask "how high" and then jump. I have told her before, "I don't have to do what you say and I'm not going to! You're not my Mama!!!!!!" But, of course I didn't mind my Mama too good but I did a lot better with her than I do with this one.  I will eventually "sleep this off" but before I do, I will stew about it for a while. That's just the way I am but I'm going to fix her the next time.  I hope I haven't let off too much steam to you. I'm the type of person that has to vent when something happens. Thanks for letting me vent.


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## Shalimar (Oct 29, 2015)

Vent all you want!


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## AprilSun (Oct 30, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Vent all you want!



Thank you Shalimar!


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## fishfulthinking (Oct 30, 2015)

Venting is fine, sometimes it helps us see a better way once we let it out.


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## Shalimar (Oct 30, 2015)

You are welcome AprilSun. Fishful, you are so right. Venting is a  great pressure release, a good way of cleansing our minds, I  also use venting as a way to process things as I speak.


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## Butterfly (Nov 10, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> You are welcome AprilSun. Fishful, you are so right. Venting is a  great pressure release, a good way of cleansing our minds, I  also use venting as a way to process things as I speak.



Venting always helps me, too.  I do get riled up when someone is trying to push me around, which includes trying to coerce me into doing something I don't want to do or go somewhere I don't want to go.  I don't understand why some people just can't accept a simple "no."


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## hossthehermit (Nov 18, 2015)

No one invites me anywhere, anymore .............. they have learned


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## Butterfly (Nov 18, 2015)

Last Christmas I let myself be wheedled into attending what was arguably the worst Christmas of my life.  I won't be doing that again.  Ever!!


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## AprilSun (Nov 19, 2015)

hossthehermit said:


> No one invites me anywhere, anymore .............. they have learned



Part of me wishes they would learn about me but then the other part tells me I WOULD be lonesome then if they quit asking. I don't know which would be worse, them not asking at all or trying to come up with an excuse when I don't want to go. Either one sounds like a "No win situation".


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## Butterfly (Nov 19, 2015)

AprilSun said:


> Part of me wishes they would learn about me but then the other part tells me I WOULD be lonesome then if they quit asking. I don't know which would be worse, them not asking at all or trying to come up with an excuse when I don't want to go. Either one sounds like a "No win situation".



Well, for me, it would be nice if they would ask, but really meant "would you like to come?" instead of "we're going to try to guilt and/or harass you into coming, and "we're not going to take 'no' for an answer."


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## AprilSun (Nov 19, 2015)

Butterfly said:


> Well, for me, it would be nice if they would ask, but really meant "would you like to come?" instead of "we're going to try to guilt and/or harass you into coming, and "we're not going to take 'no' for an answer."



Now if it worked like that, yes, I would rather they ask but my family doesn't work that way. It's not that easy with them to get out of an invitation.


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## Butterfly (Nov 19, 2015)

AprilSun said:


> Now if it worked like that, yes, I would rather they ask but my family doesn't work that way. It's not that easy with them to get out of an invitation.



Me either.  They are double damned determined you are going to do your social duty and come whether you like it or not!  I hate that!  

And it's not that they pay any attention at all except when they want you to come and fill a chair.  And it's all what I call shirt-tail relatives and I don't even LIKE most of them.


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## Shalimar (Nov 19, 2015)

At some point, it just becomes, hell no, I won't go!


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## AprilSun (Nov 20, 2015)

Butterfly said:


> Me either.  They are double damned determined you are going to do your social duty and come whether you like it or not!  I hate that!
> 
> And it's not that they pay any attention at all except when they want you to come and fill a chair.  And it's all what I call shirt-tail relatives and I don't even LIKE most of them.



I hate that too! I don't want anyone trying to "wear my britches" but me. And in my family, there is this one that tries to tell everyone what to do and when we don't, oh boy here comes the questions!!!!!! I mean unreasonable questions too! I still don't do it though. She might get away with telling everyone else what to do but I'm not going to do it!!!!! She's not ordering me around and I think that's what she doesn't like, the fact that I don't buckle!!!!! Too bad..........


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## Butterfly (Nov 20, 2015)

I've even been accused of being a hermit!  I am not a hermit, but I do not go to things I don't want to go to just for the sake of going somewhere!  If that makes me a hermit, then I guess I am a hermit, and glad of it.


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## Shalimar (Nov 20, 2015)

At one point I was so irritated, I commissioned several shirts with NO! Printed on them in seven languages. Lol.


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## hossthehermit (Nov 21, 2015)

Butterfly said:


> I've even been accused of being a hermit!  I am not a hermit, but I do not go to things I don't want to go to just for the sake of going somewhere!  If that makes me a hermit, then I guess I am a hermit, and glad of it.



Well, I AM a hermit, by choice and design, and my wife is as well. While many of the historic hermits actually lived in a grotto, never speaking to anyone for the term of their contract with the lord of the manor, and the religious ones who were on some sort of quest for whatever, most hermits do in fact interact with society to a certain degree. Personally, I feel that a true hermit is free to live within his/her definition of "hermitudeness" ....... if one worries about the opinions of others, they are not truly one of us


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