# Husbands or boyfriends who are abusive, is it their mother's fault?



## Stormy (Jan 21, 2017)

I only had one really bad relationship with a man in my life and I'm thankful it's over with and I'm still here to talk about it. My partner now is so good to me and thoughtful the complete opposite of the aggressive dominating guy I was living with before. Another thread here made me start to think about him and why he was so emotionally, mentally and physically abusive to me. Looking back there were so many red flags that I completely missed or I never would have been so serious with him. He was always a little angry and it didn't take much to set him off plus he would never talk about his mother at all, actually would get angry if I ever even mentioned him seeing her or what kind of a mom she was. Now I think he might have just hated women because his mother abused him or was abusive to his father. Have you ever had an abusive relationship with either a man or a woman and knew that their parents made them that way?


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## RadishRose (Jan 21, 2017)

I never had a relationship like that but it's not possible to say why a person beomes abusive without some kind of personal analysis. Could be mom, could be dad; or not. Could be anything.


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## Stormy (Jan 21, 2017)

I agree with you RadishRose it might have nothing to do with his mother, maybe a female teacher or maybe an ex-girlfriend who wasn't faithful and took advantage.


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## RadishRose (Jan 21, 2017)

Agree Stormy, so many possibilities. Could be he is enraged about something that causes him to want to hit people, a mental illness and of course, girls are easier to beat up.

 Bottom line is- I'm so happy you're safe now and with someone decent! You deserve to be treated well.


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## nvtribefan (Jan 21, 2017)

Unless their mothers are holding guns to their head forcing them to be abusive, then no, it's not their mothers' fault.


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## Butterfly (Jan 21, 2017)

nvtribefan said:


> Unless their mothers are holding guns to their head forcing them to be abusive, then no, it's not their mothers' fault.



Agreed.  I wish we would quit trying to blame everything but the abuser/criminal, whatever else, for their actions.  We are responsible for our own actions, including domestic violence.  It's a choice, not some kind of excusable genetic or environmental failing.  A lousy childhood is no excuse for perpetrating violence on another human being or other living thing.


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## Stormy (Jan 22, 2017)

RadishRose said:


> Bottom line is- I'm so happy you're safe now and with someone decent! You deserve to be treated well.


Thanks RadishRose.


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## Cookie (Jan 22, 2017)

Abuse is a mental illness and caused by many factors, let's stop blaming women for everything.


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## steelcitiesgray (Jan 22, 2017)

Stormy said:


> ... He was always a little angry and it didn't take much to set him off plus he would never talk about his mother at all, actually *would get angry if I ever even mentioned him seeing her or what kind of a mom she was*. Now I think he might have just hated women because his mother abused him or was abusive to his father. Have you ever had an abusive relationship with either a man or a woman and knew that their parents made them that way?



He may have had an abusive father and was mad that his mother didn't stand up for him. You don't know what happened to make him the way he is BUT he could get help instead of taking it out on other people.


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## Shalimar (Jan 22, 2017)

Cookie said:


> Abuse is a mental illness and caused by many factors, let's stop blaming women for everything.


Please, let's!


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## Falcon (Jan 22, 2017)

Probably something in their past of which they may be ashamed and they're seething inside
and are turned  into bullies.  Maybe nothing whatsoever  to do with their mothers.


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## Aunt Bea (Jan 22, 2017)

Many, many, people had rough childhoods.  IMO when you finally become an adult you have to be able to suck it up and move on or seek professional help to learn how to control your impulses and behavior.

I've never lived with an abuser but over the years I've worked for and with many angry old men that had violent, explosive tempers, I've heard all of the excuses and justifications.  The truth is that it just doesn't fly in today's world, we all deserve better.


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## Peanut (Jan 22, 2017)

My first husband was my first boyfriend and was a womanizer, I married him when i was 25 and divorced him at 26 his mother was an alcoholic and died when he was just a child and his father was never home and was never really a part of his life but i don't think that him being a womanizer had anything to do with his upbringing. After him i never got into another relationship and was single for 25 years and didn't want anything to do with men ever again due to being hurt by him. Now 25 years later i'm happily married to a wonderful American Man whom i love dearly and whom treats me like his little princess. he's loyal, faithful, compassionate, respectful and very honest to a t.


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## Butterfly (Jan 22, 2017)

Aunt Bea said:


> Many, many, people had rough childhoods.  IMO when you finally become an adult you have to be able to suck it up and move on or seek professional help to learn how to control your impulses and behavior.
> 
> I've never lived with an abuser but over the years I've worked for and with many angry old men that had violent, explosive tempers, I've heard all of the excuses and justifications.  The truth is that it just doesn't fly in today's world, we all deserve better.



I agree, and so have I (worked for a lot of angry jerks).   And the fact is that angry mother/father/lousy childhood or whatever else -- those are possible explanations for abusive behavior, but they are absolutely NOT excuses or absolution for it.


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## Shalimar (Jan 22, 2017)

Butterfly said:


> I agree, and so have I (worked for a lot of angry jerks).   And the fact is that angry mother/father/lousy childhood or whatever else -- those are possible explanations for abusive behavior, but they are absolutely NOT excuses or absolution for it.




Qft.


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## SeaBreeze (Jan 22, 2017)

Stormy, it's possible it had something to do with his mother, even subconsciously, as others here have said though, there could be many reasons for men or women to abuse their spouses or partners. I remember watching a show on TV, maybe Dr. Phil, where this husband always put down his wife because of her weight/looks or intelligence, etc.  Besides the emotional abuse and controlling attitude, he also hit her, choked her, etc.  

He was physically beaten by his alcoholic mother at a young age and held a deep resentment toward her that he directed at other women that he could control.  I think they agreed to pay for him to get help because he said he loved her and admitted she didn't deserve to be treated that way. So, that's not an excuse for his violent behavior, but it was a factor. Personalities are shaped during childhood, so it's not that easy for some of these people not to take their experiences into adulthood whether they really want to or not.  

Even though it's mostly men who beat up women because they aren't as strong, a lot of women also abuse their partners.  Domestic violence has been around for a long time and I don't think it will end either.  Thankfully my husband treats me well and has never laid a hand on me, or I might not have stayed with him over 40 years.


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## Stormy (Jan 23, 2017)

Peanut said:


> My first husband was my first boyfriend and was a womanizer, I married him when i was 25 and divorced him at 26 his mother was an alcoholic and died when he was just a child and his father was never home and was never really a part of his life but i don't think that him being a womanizer had anything to do with his upbringing. After him i never got into another relationship and was single for 25 years and didn't want anything to do with men ever again due to being hurt by him. Now 25 years later i'm happily married to a wonderful American Man whom i love dearly and whom treats me like his little princess. he's loyal, faithful, compassionate, respectful and very honest to a t.


Welcome Peanut I'm glad you're happy now and married to a good man. Thanks all for your replies I just thought his anger and secrecy about his mother had some meaning. I wasn't blaming all women for anything and abusive treatment of a daughter by her father can also make her treat men in her adult life a certain way. I don't think anybody man or woman should stay in a bad relationship.Seabreeze I also heard of stories about women abusers who hated their mothers


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## Peanut (Jan 23, 2017)

Hi Stormy, and thank you


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## Kitties (Jan 24, 2017)

I think there are so many different factors.

Working in long term care I've dealt with a lot of families. I can remember families that were so nice. Everyone I met from the family was. A couple families I remember as just bad and it seemed like the next one you met was worse than the last. I saw some nice families who seemed to have that black sheep. In any case I've had to deal with them all in a professional manner.

People can be strange and why some are abusive I don't know.


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