# My Only Son (or child)



## Moon Rat (Jun 24, 2022)

My son lives miles away from me. We keep in touch via emails and every so often a phone call. At one time, we were very close. After his mom (my wife) died, he decided to get a transfer away from the area, which was something he often talked about doing. An opportunity came up to be transferred to Hawaii and he took it. That was 17 years ago and he has been there ever since. 

A few years ago he retired from the government (formerly he was ATF, but moved over to the FBI) and I thought maybe he would come back home, but his kids put down roots in Hawaii, so they all stayed put. He wants me to pick up and move there and buy a home close to him, but I am not too cool with that idea. I have my friends, church, doctors and so on right here and at 59 years of age, it may be a bit late for making such a drastic change. I have been to Hawaii several times to see him and my grandchildren and when he has to come home for meetings in Washington, I will come up from Florida so we can visit together for the better part of a whole week together. 

So now, I don't know if I want to make this change or not. Think about your position and where you are in life, would you up and move and have to start all over again with making new friends (men and women), a new church, new doctors, new dentist, learning where everything is located and everything else that goes along with making such a drastic move? 

I thought maybe renting a place for around 3 months and see how that works out. What do you think?


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## Jules (Jun 24, 2022)

Moon Rat said:


> I thought maybe renting a place for around 3 months and see how that works out. What do you think?


That was going to be my suggestion before I’d make a permanent move.  Trying new churches could find you new friends.

Definitely a big decision.


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## Mizmo (Jun 24, 2022)

In my opinion renting is not the answer. Three months is not enough time to form a life like you have
At your age, stay where you are for a few more years and visit
Live the life you have now.
There will come a time when you will need family support, then it is good to be close and time to make your move.


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## Bella (Jun 24, 2022)

I think renting a place for a few months is a smart idea. You might not want to move there right away, but at least you'll get your feet wet and get the lay of the land before making a permanent decision. 

Bella


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## RadishRose (Jun 24, 2022)

Tough call. Personally, church, docs and friends wouldn't bear more weight than my family, but that's just me. 

Hawaii isn't really a deterrent, either.

I wish you the best in any case.


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## Trish (Jun 24, 2022)

Moon Rat said:


> My son lives miles away from me. We keep in touch via emails and every so often a phone call. At one time, we were very close. After his mom (my wife) died, he decided to get a transfer away from the area, which was something he often talked about doing. An opportunity came up to be transferred to Hawaii and he took it. That was 17 years ago and he has been there ever since.
> 
> A few years ago he retired from the government (formerly he was ATF, but moved over to the FBI) and I thought maybe he would come back home, but his kids put down roots in Hawaii, so they all stayed put. He wants me to pick up and move there and buy a home close to him, but I am not too cool with that idea. I have my friends, church, doctors and so on right here and at 59 years of age, it may be a bit late for making such a drastic change. I have been to Hawaii several times to see him and my grandchildren and when he has to come home for meetings in Washington, I will come up from Florida so we can visit together for the better part of a whole week together.
> 
> ...


Maybe have a chat with your son and grandchildren who are already settled there and should be able to give a view on what you could expect if you moved to Hawaii and whether local services are good and if there are things for you to do.  

At 59 years old, you are not too old.  Moving to Hawaii may not be the right choice for you but, if you decide it is, then do it.


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## JustBonee (Jun 24, 2022)

You are 59?     ...  At your age  I would still feel  a sense of adventure,   and not think it's "too late"   to handle changes in life.  

Now,   if you were twenty 20 years older,  I might have reservations.  JMO   Good Luck in whatever you decide to do.


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## Aunt Bea (Jun 24, 2022)

It’s a difficult decision.

If it was me, I would try to find an efficiency apartment/hotel room away from the tourist areas that I could rent for an extended stay each year.  In a few years you should be able to get a feel for the situation and then decide if it is right for you.

I wouldn’t set my expectations too high on family time.  Your family all have busy lives that haven’t included grandpa.  Holidays will be fun, but I’m afraid that most of the time you will be on your own.

Good luck!


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## hollydolly (Jun 24, 2022)

Moon Rat said:


> My son lives miles away from me. We keep in touch via emails and every so often a phone call. At one time, we were very close. After his mom (my wife) died, he decided to get a transfer away from the area, which was something he often talked about doing. An opportunity came up to be transferred to Hawaii and he took it. That was 17 years ago and he has been there ever since.
> 
> A few years ago he retired from the government (formerly he was ATF, but moved over to the FBI) and I thought maybe he would come back home, but his kids put down roots in Hawaii, so they all stayed put. He wants me to pick up and move there and buy a home close to him, but I am not too cool with that idea. I have my friends, church, doctors and so on right here and at 59 years of age, it may be a bit late for making such a drastic change. I have been to Hawaii several times to see him and my grandchildren and when he has to come home for meetings in Washington, I will come up from Florida so we can visit together for the better part of a whole week together.
> 
> ...


Do that very thing.. renting for 6 months is  an excellent idea, and one I wished we'd done before we bought our second home in Spain...  but importantly if you do rent,then you must act like it's your home, and not a vacation, because you have to make a concerted effort to make friends, and join clubs etc.. 59 is no age to be  not thinking of moving , you're still young, and full of energy, and can make friends easily..


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## C50 (Jun 24, 2022)

I would stay where you are.  I'm sure your son and his family are busy so even if you lived right next door to them how much time would you spend together?  Once a week maybe for a few hours?  Is that worth giving up your current life and friends?


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## Alligatorob (Jun 24, 2022)

Moon Rat said:


> I thought maybe renting a place for around 3 months and see how that works out.


I think that is a good plan.  My grandparents did the same thing when I was young and we moved to Florida, they decided to move back to Louisiana, good thing they did not buy.

One thing to think about his how permanent his move to Hawaii is, you would not want to move there and have to move back again.

Best of luck with it.


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## StarSong (Jun 24, 2022)

Moon Rat said:


> So now, I don't know if I want to make this change or not. Think about your position and where you are in life, would you up and move and have to start all over again with making new friends (men and women), a new church, new doctors, new dentist, learning where everything is located and everything else that goes along with making such a drastic move?
> 
> I thought maybe renting a place for around 3 months and see how that works out. What do you think?


I'd rent for six months and give it an honest try with hope tilting toward it working out rather than not.    

Doctors and dentists wouldn't factor into any decision about where I choose to live.  They can retire, sell their practices or up and move without a moment's notice.  As long as there ARE doctors and dentists in the new area, you can find some that suit your needs and personality.  Same with a church.  

If you were 89, I'd say maybe stay where you are, but at 59 you've presumably got a lot of years in front of you.


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## Pecos (Jun 24, 2022)

Moon Rat said:


> My son lives miles away from me. We keep in touch via emails and every so often a phone call. At one time, we were very close. After his mom (my wife) died, he decided to get a transfer away from the area, which was something he often talked about doing. An opportunity came up to be transferred to Hawaii and he took it. That was 17 years ago and he has been there ever since.
> 
> A few years ago he retired from the government (formerly he was ATF, but moved over to the FBI) and I thought maybe he would come back home, but his kids put down roots in Hawaii, so they all stayed put. He wants me to pick up and move there and buy a home close to him, but I am not too cool with that idea. I have my friends, church, doctors and so on right here and at 59 years of age, it may be a bit late for making such a drastic change. I have been to Hawaii several times to see him and my grandchildren and when he has to come home for meetings in Washington, I will come up from Florida so we can visit together for the better part of a whole week together.
> 
> ...


Stay put. He works for the FBI and they move frequently.
You are only 59, I am 79 and in the process of moving from South Carolina to be closer to my two adult children, but my son is 59 and close to retirement and my daughter is 55 and unlikely to move again as retirement approaches for her.
I you and your son were older, it would make sense to move, but you are both too young at this point. LOL, being told that you are too young is probably something you don't hear every day.


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## StarSong (Jun 24, 2022)

Pecos said:


> Stay put. He works for the FBI and they move frequently.
> You are only 59, I am 79 and in the process of moving from South Carolina to be closer to my two adult children, but my son is 59 and close to retirement and my daughter is 55 and unlikely to move again as retirement approaches for her.
> I you and your son were older, it would make sense to move, but you are both too young at this point. LOL, being told that you are too young is probably something you don't hear every day.


OP said:


Moon Rat said:


> A few years ago *he retired* from the government (formerly he was ATF, but moved over to the FBI) *and I thought maybe he would come back home, but his kids put down roots in Hawaii, so they all stayed put.*


Sounds to me like his son and his son's children have decided to remain in Hawaii.  Who could blame them?


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## Just Jeff (Jun 24, 2022)

Moon Rat said:


> I thought maybe renting a place for around 3 months and see how that works out. What do you think?


In person and online several(or many) retired people simply went on vacation, they thought, to another country,  for a couple months.   
They decided to move when the time was up, 
because their health improved so much in the new area.  (food they were able to get every day,  they no longer needed the medicine they needed in the usa)


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## Knight (Jun 24, 2022)

No mention of financial ability to pack up to go to Hawaii & buy a home. Only you know what is doable & not something that should be shared online. 

A little Googling found this. There are currently 5,596 homes for sale in Hawaii. The median list price in Hawaii is $825,000 and the average price per square foot is $674.

17 years apart means your son & family are living their lives in a way that is comfortable for them. Taking time to see how you might fit in rather than just packing up & going to live close to them "if possible" is a risk. 

Asking for opinions is reasonable. I think the best opinions so far are to take a few months to stay to see what works for all concerned.


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## Em in Ohio (Jun 24, 2022)

Moon Rat said:


> My son lives miles away from me. We keep in touch via emails and every so often a phone call. At one time, we were very close. After his mom (my wife) died, he decided to get a transfer away from the area, which was something he often talked about doing. An opportunity came up to be transferred to Hawaii and he took it. That was 17 years ago and he has been there ever since.
> 
> A few years ago he retired from the government (formerly he was ATF, but moved over to the FBI) and I thought maybe he would come back home, but his kids put down roots in Hawaii, so they all stayed put. He wants me to pick up and move there and buy a home close to him, but I am not too cool with that idea. I have my friends, church, doctors and so on right here and at 59 years of age, it may be a bit late for making such a drastic change. I have been to Hawaii several times to see him and my grandchildren and when he has to come home for meetings in Washington, I will come up from Florida so we can visit together for the better part of a whole week together.
> 
> ...


Since you have been geographically separated from him for 17 years, I'm not sure the move is 'necessary.'  If you were older and/or struggling with physical or financial problems, then there might be merit.  But, it seems you have an established and contented life.

My only child lives around the block, but wants to move 500 miles away at some point.  She already bought a property with two houses and offered one to me.  In my case, since I am older and she is all I have, I may consider it.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 24, 2022)

Your idea of a 3-month trial is a good one. And in my opinion, because we're talking about your only son and his family, I don't think you'd need to give it more than a few months.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jun 24, 2022)

My grand nephew and his two boys moved from Hawaii about three years ago. Also my upstairs neighbor's son and his wife moved back here from there a couple of years ago. I understand the cost of living is high there, so that's also something to consider.  I understand how you must feel. My son wanted to move to Atlanta a few years ago but my DIL (now deceased) wasn't for it (she'd lose  pension) and ultimately he realized he needs to stay close to his children. I would have dreaded it if they moved. Like you, he's my only child.

Also like you, I would have to consider my doctors. I have a wonderful team of doctors right now. I absolutely love my PCP. Also where I live has a walk score of 98 and it's also an area with great public transportation. You have quite the conundrum. Perhaps trying it out for three months is not an ideal solution, but it's better than not trying it at all I guess. Being there would give you the opportunity to scout out houses, which you can also do online but in person might be better.  Who would watch your house while you're gone? Perhaps making a list of the pros and cons would help.


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## katlupe (Jun 24, 2022)

If you had sounded excited about moving there I would have said try it. It does not sound like you really want to leave your home and friends where you are. You are younger than me but no matter what your age is do not move somewhere and then be stuck there and lose what you had where you were.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 25, 2022)

Aunt Bea said:


> It’s a difficult decision.
> 
> If it was me, I would try to find an efficiency apartment/hotel room away from the tourist areas that I could rent for an extended stay each year.  In a few years you should be able to get a feel for the situation and then decide if it is right for you.
> 
> ...


I think Aunt Bea makes a good point. I'd bring it up on the phone with your son, were I you. What are their lives like, during typical weeks? How will you fit in? What would their expectations, and yours, be?

I also think it's a good idea, after that conversation, to stay in Hawaii for a few months to see how you like it, and to see how you fit in with your family. I don't know how to avoid it, but you can't be treated like a guest/visitor to get a true picture of what your life will be like. 

Also a good idea to check out churches, groups to join, try to make some friends, see how you like it there. You don't want to be alone most of the time, and it's good to feel like you fit in and have friends to do things with, aside from your family.

These are not my good ideas - they were already posted on this thread. I'm agreeing with them, is all. Also, I was having trouble making the reply function work, and now that it has, I don't want to mess it up by multi-quoting.

I am moving to another state in August, and I hate leaving my doctors, all of whom have proven themselves to be trustworthy. I am going to ask my current docs if they can recommend anyone in their fields who practice near where I'll be. Not their medical school roommate ... docs they would trust to care for themselves and their families. Luckily I will live sort of near a large medical school.


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## C50 (Jun 25, 2022)

My daughter's lives about 15 minutes away and just today asked if I could come take care of her animals when they go on vacation.

So that's me driving over every morning and evening, walking both her dogs, socializing with her four cats, feed, water, clean liter boxes,  clean yard poop.  Repeat for six days.

Sometimes a little distance from our kids can be a good thing, just saying.


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## Pepper (Jun 25, 2022)

I wouldn't hesitate to be near my family.  You should be glad he wants you.  Go.  IMO of course, based on my own feelings of family & adventure.


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## IrisSenior (Jun 25, 2022)

He is your only son and he has asked you to move there...go...


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## StarSong (Jun 25, 2022)

C50 said:


> My daughter's lives about 15 minutes away and just today asked if I could come take care of her animals when they go on vacation.
> 
> So that's me driving over every morning and evening, walking both her dogs, socializing with her four cats, feed, water, clean liter boxes,  clean yard poop.  Repeat for six days.
> 
> Sometimes a little distance from our kids can be a good thing, just saying.


DH & I try to accommodate whatever favors our children ask of us, just as they do for us.  We take care of their animals when they go away and they reciprocate.  That's what family and close friends do for one another.


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## C50 (Jun 25, 2022)

StarSong said:


> DH & I try to accommodate whatever favors our children ask of us, just as they do for us.  We take care of their animals when they go away and they reciprocate.  That's what family and close friends do for one another.


I know, I know, I was just having a little fun, I love helping when I can.


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## Geezer Garage (Jun 25, 2022)

I think a lot of it depends on how much effort you are willing to put into being close to your family. If your not willing to put in that effort, and there is nothing wrong with that, I would limit it to a few months a year. I have some friends in Hawaii and have stayed with them for awhile in the past. Very pleasant place.


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## Tish (Jun 25, 2022)

@Moon Rat I think renting for a few months is your best bet.
It will give you the chance to look around and get familiar with the place.


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## oldman (Jun 27, 2022)

I think your son is asking a lot for you to just up and walk away from your life. If you have everything there where you are and have been living in Florida for a number of years and are well situated, you are having a tough decision, I am sure.

I am going to be nosey again, but did he ever say why he left ATF for the FBI?


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## C50 (Jun 27, 2022)

Here's another possible solution.  Instead of selling your home and moving there why don't you and your son consider adding to his home what is referred to as a mother in law addition.  Bedroom, bath, living room and kitchenette, or maybe an over the garage apartment.

Then you can set it up with your personal belongings and it's always available when you want to visit, be it for one day or six months.  You have your own comfortable space yet close to the family.

Another advantage of that is if you get to a point where you can't live totally independently it may work as kind of a fall back home.


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## Moon Rat (Jun 29, 2022)

After giving this matter a lot of thought and reading all of the poster's thoughts and suggestions and also speaking with my son and daughter-in-law, I have decided to ask my son to try to find me a house or condo to rent for 6 months. I think I can do the first of November through April. That should give me enough time to try out a new situation. My son is already looking forward to going fishing and so am I. He has a pretty nice boat, so we will be able to fish offshore. 

If I have to go condo, I asked him to please keep me on the top floor if its a high rise. I don't like anyone living above me because I am always wary of noise. This is going to be a really different experience for me. I have doubts, but who knows, maybe it will be a good thing. I know I will miss my friends, church, my doctors and the few women that I date now and then. 

Someone asked me why my son went from being an ATF Agent to an FBI Agent. He was recruited and offered a supervisory position, which is something he has been wanting. That doesn't mean he won't be going into the field because that part will still be in play. He got a nice salary bump, but the hours were bumped also. A lot of on-call duty. 

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and ideas. If this doesn't work out, I can blame it on you. Naw, just kidding. You guys are great.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 30, 2022)

Moon Rat said:


> After giving this matter a lot of thought and reading all of the poster's thoughts and suggestions and also speaking with my son and daughter-in-law, I have decided to ask my son to try to find me a house or condo to rent for 6 months.
> 
> Thanks everyone for your thoughts and ideas. If this doesn't work out, I can blame it on you. Naw, just kidding. You guys are great.


I hope you post here and tell us about your experiences in Hawaii. I think it would be interesting to read about. I hope you have a great time!


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## oldman (Jun 30, 2022)

I wish you the best. I flew to Honolulu for two years out of O’Hare in Chicago. I enjoyed my winter months over there, although the flight crew was only given a day off over there before having to return. I couldn’t believe how full the flights were going to Honolulu during the summer months.

Let us know how the fishing is.


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## oldman (Jul 2, 2022)

Moon Rat said:


> After giving this matter a lot of thought and reading all of the poster's thoughts and suggestions and also speaking with my son and daughter-in-law, I have decided to ask my son to try to find me a house or condo to rent for 6 months. I think I can do the first of November through April. That should give me enough time to try out a new situation. My son is already looking forward to going fishing and so am I. He has a pretty nice boat, so we will be able to fish offshore.
> 
> If I have to go condo, I asked him to please keep me on the top floor if its a high rise. I don't like anyone living above me because I am always wary of noise. This is going to be a really different experience for me. I have doubts, but who knows, maybe it will be a good thing. I know I will miss my friends, church, my doctors and the few women that I date now and then.
> 
> ...


I kept thinking about your decision to live in Hawaii for 6 months. I would suggest to not just stay on the island of Oahu. Do some island hopping. You can get flights between the islands for very low fares. I like Oahu because of the WWII history, but the other islands also have some unique qualities of their own. Maui is known for being the party island. Kauai is known for being very lush and smelling good from all of the orchids and gardenias. Lanai doesn’t grow anywhere near the number of pineapples as it once did, but still, there are a few pineapple fields still there. Lastly, the only other island I have been to is the big island of Hawaii, which is known for its black sand beaches. It also is the home to a very large and active volcano, Kilauea. I hope you have a great experience and that I was there with you.

They have a saying over there, “Hang loose!” When you say it, you should use your thumb and little finger to shake it at someone while saying the phrase, hang loose.


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## dseag2 (Jul 2, 2022)

With housing prices the way they are right now, I can't even imagine how much it will cost to buy a home or condo in Hawaii!  If you can afford it, go for it.


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## Been There (Jul 3, 2022)

Man, good luck with this move. Even though Florida and Hawaii are both considered as having tropical environments, the vegetation and animal populations are different. Even though you may never see a snake in Hawaii, you may encounter some really dangerous insects, especially spiders, bees, ants and centipedes. The one plant to stay away from is Oleander. It is deadly. If you are a person that likes to go out in your boat and jump off to take a dip in the Pacific be careful of sharks, especially Tiger Sharks. I once meant one years back while stationed in Hawaii and learning to surfboard. I went off the board in about 15 feet of water and I met him up close and personal. He gave me a bump and I think I could have out swam Michael Phelps that day. Luckily my board floated ashore because I didn't take time to retrieve it.

Stay in touch. Hawaii is on my list of places to possibly move to. However, dseag2 is right about it being an expensive place to buy real estate. If I was a native Hawaiian, I could possibly get a free piece of land to build on. It used to be a 99-year lease and you paid $1 per year.  I also liked San Diego, but I went back there just a few years ago for a reunion and I couldn't believe how big it got.


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## Moon Rat (Aug 14, 2022)

My son found me an apartment in Kailua, Hawaii. It has 950 square feet. Somehow, they squeezed 2 bedrooms and 2 baths into that space. Rent is $3800 per month with one year lease. I asked him to keep looking. I would like to have 1200 sq. ft. I’m still not in favor of this move, but I would like to be with my son and his family. They offered me to stay with them, but I would like them to keep their privacy.


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## Paco Dennis (Aug 14, 2022)

My children live about 200 miles from me. I wouldn't move to where they are. They have been on their own, married, with children and have very full lives. In my declining years I can handle it without affecting the quality of life of my loved ones. Yes, they might feel obligated to help me, and want to be near me before I die, but I would still be on my own most of the time. This isn't 100 years ago...travel and technology has made our families less intimate. That's OK, the fabric of our societies are in such great change now, that chaos is liable to ensue no matter what your choice's are.


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## Moon Rat (Aug 14, 2022)

Paco Dennis said:


> My children live about 200 miles from me. I wouldn't move to where they are. They have been on their own, married, with children and have very full lives. In my declining years I can handle it without affecting the quality of life of my loved ones. Yes, they might feel obligated to help me, and want to be near me before I die, but I would still be on my own most of the time. This isn't 100 years ago...travel and technology has made our families less intimate. That's OK, the fabric of our societies are in such great change now, that chaos is liable to ensue no matter what your choice's are.


Everyone’s situation is not the same. My son is my only child and his children are my only grandchildren. They all live in Hawaii and are still fairly young. They have set down their roots. I am tired of those 11 hour flights. My son and I were very close while growing up. I am not real into doing this, but if it means re-establishing a relationship with my son and grandchildren, I may do it. This is why I am going to rent for a year to see how that goes. I am going to keep my home here in Florida until after the first year. I like living here in Naples, so if Hawaii doesn’t suit, I will be back.


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## Moon Rat (Oct 17, 2022)

I flew out to Honolulu last Thursday to look at a few houses my son’s realtor lined up for me to check out. I don’t think this is going to work out. The weather and location were both great, but everything and everyone was strange to me. I’m going to spend December and January with my son and after that I will make a decision. Not crazy about butting into my kid’s life, but this is his idea and I kind of hesitantly agreed to it. I agreed to try this, but it may turn out to be a few weeks vacation and then I’ll come home.


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## Teacher Terry (Oct 18, 2022)

I wouldn’t move to follow my kids as they have their own busy lives. I would go visit every winter for a month. One of my kids does live here and I see them once a week for a few hours. I remember how busy life is with working, etc.

 I have a full life with my activities and it takes a long time to build close relationships. In some places you never are able to find your tribe.


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## WheatenLover (Oct 19, 2022)

I think a 2-month stay is a good idea, Moon Rat. I've lived with my cousin for 7 weeks, and I'm getting used to it. If you are on the fence about what to do after a couple of months, you can always elect to stay until you make up your mind about whether you want that to be permanent. 

Big changes are hard to get used to, for me anyway.


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## Moon Rat (Oct 23, 2022)

I just returned from my 3rd trip in 2 months to Hawaii. Those 11 hour flights are killers. I told my son I decided to stay put here in Florida this winter and then in the spring, I will return and reconsider my decision. I really don’t like the idea of leaving my friends, doctors and church behind and start over. There’s no way he will leave where he is and I guess I understand. He has a beautiful place with his own boat docking area and channel going out to the Pacific. He us into salt water fishing and the kids like being able to get outside 12 months a year.

He’s retired now and living the dream with his beautiful wife, so good for them. One more year won’t make all that much difference. Before my accident, I restored cars and would like to get back to doing some of that again. I have my own garage and finishing shop, so starting back up wouldn’t be a big deal as far as costs. My last job was restoring a 1955 Rolls Royce for a Prince in Egypt. The Prince is very well known to those who follow such things. Personally, I had no idea who he was when I spoke with him. He loves cars and has a huge selection.


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## Been There (Oct 24, 2022)

I know you did what you thought was best for you, but how did your son react to your decision?


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