# Anybody ever have to evict daughter



## joel0711 (Jul 17, 2017)

Three years ago we bought a house for daughter and 4 grandkids because they had no place. The house is in our name because daughter's credit rating stinks!
We also bought a  car for her for her new job (older car but is now broken as the other 10 cars we bought for her down thru the years). She lost a husband so we naturally felt we must once again help.

We were promised a fateful monthly house  payment and that did occur for the first 2 years. This past year payment has went from "I'll pay you later" to me asking for it,,then me begging for it,,,then me talking eviction!!  The past 3 months we have been paid 200 dollars on a 550 monthly bill. Nothing paid on the car since it broke down (dead head boyfriend is useless,other than replacing lost husband in less than 6 months). We even told her we would finish paying for the car if she would just pay for the house. She's got a honey of a deal, 1400 sq.ft. home in nice neighborhood for 550 dollars instead of the average 1200 dollars for rent in this area!! 

Her word is no longer good to us because we have been lied to so much l. Which is just as well seeing she has no communications with us at all.  Tomorrow is her last deadline and we don't expect her to be moved as she said, so we're being forced to evict (250 dollars for the courts) even though it's killing us emotionally and destroyed our relationship with the grand-kids, 2 of which we all but raised.

Has anyone been through such a devastating situation??? If so could you tell us how to handle the emotional stress and hurt it is causing me and my wife of 43 years. We've been to our doctor and are on ssri meds which are of little help. ----- We're know of worse situations but this one is really costing us in money and emotions ----- BIG THANKS


----------



## SeaBreeze (Jul 17, 2017)

Never was in that situation Joel, and I'm sorry to hear what happened to you.  I think sometimes you have to put your foot down and use 'tough love' or the children never are able to fend for themselves and take on life's responsibilities.  Good luck to you and your wife.


----------



## joel0711 (Jul 17, 2017)

SeaBreeze said:


> Never was in that situation Joel, and I'm sorry to hear what happened to you.  I think sometimes you have to put your foot down and use 'tough love' or the children never are able to fend for themselves and take on life's responsibilities.  Good luck to you and your wife.



Thanks SeaBreeze---we gonna need it!
Grand-Kids is what bothers us most.. I'm sure mom told them it's our fault! 
We're at fault for caring too much!


----------



## Warrigal (Jul 17, 2017)

It might already be too late but have you thought about seeking family counselling and/or financial counselling?
Your daughter needs to know how much her irresponsibility is impacting on you and your wife.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Jul 17, 2017)

joel0711 said:


> Thanks SeaBreeze---we gonna need it!
> Grand-Kids is what bothers us most.. I'm sure mom told them it's our fault!
> We're at fault for caring too much!



It's not fair if they blame you, someday your daughter will mature and acknowledge and appreciate all you've done....hang in there!


----------



## joel0711 (Jul 17, 2017)

Wife and I have been to therapist several times. Our therapist knows much of our history and he said daughter was a narcissist and nothing we could say would change her..
Wife let her say her peace ( 1 month ago) at which time she told my wife she was mentally ill because of our situation with her.(us wanting her to pay her debt as agreed upon) 
One month ago we went to house to talk to her about rent..She finally came out but she was loaded for bear for both of us!! She ended up threatening us with police.
I said go ahead,,so police came and refereed rest of conversation... That was the final straw but she was recorded saying she would be out by 6-18-2017. So I've got that little tid bit of info on police recorder if we have to evict.
Thanks for the encouragement. We know most if not all families have problems but this one is really bothering us due to our grand-kids..


----------



## Shalimar (Jul 17, 2017)

I have never experienced this personally, but I have clients who have. It always causes heartbreak for those so affected by the toxic behaviour of narcissistic offspring. You are doing the right thing, painful though it is. Although your relationship with the grandchildren may suffer in the short term, time and time again I have seen grandkids turn to their grandparents when they 

reach adolescence or young adulthood. Narcissistic parents are poor parents. I know from personal experience. To this day, I miss my grandmother. She was the only one who truly loved me, and I am so grateful for the bond we shared while I was a young adult, until she died when I was twenty-seven.


----------



## joel0711 (Jul 17, 2017)

Thanks to all!!  
Grand-kids are 20--16--and 14 twins--hopefully they'll realize one day that wife and I did nothing wrong except caring too much..
We're going to step back and recoup ourselves and our remaining life time together.


----------



## terry123 (Jul 18, 2017)

joel0711 said:


> Thanks to all!!
> Grand-kids are 20--16--and 14 twins--hopefully they'll realize one day that wife and I did nothing wrong except caring too much..
> We're going to step back and recoup ourselves and our remaining life time together.


  You and your wife are doing the correct thing.  I have the same situation with my youngest daughter.  When she and her husband were having money problems I gave them a credit card for emergencies only.  They started charging $1000.00 a month for non essentials, I cut the credit card off and she has never forgiven me.  I don't care anymore.  I tried to help and they took advantage.  They have since filed bankruptcy twice.  It does not matter how much money they have as they will live beyond their means.


----------



## Warrigal (Jul 18, 2017)

Best of luck Joel. Be at peace if you can because, as others have said, you have done nothing wrong in this situation.


----------



## AprilSun (Jul 18, 2017)

Joel, you are doing what's right. As someone mentioned above, it is called "tough love". If you don't, she will continue to use you. She needs to learn, that money does not grow on trees for anyone. The more you give the more she will take from you. At the age of your grandchildren, I'm sure they are seeing part of what's going on now and as they get older, they will understand it more. Best wishes to you and your wife.


----------



## joel0711 (Jul 18, 2017)

THANKS to all for the support!!!!!


----------



## joel0711 (Jul 18, 2017)

THANKS to all for the support!!!!! 				

I forgot to mention that this type of behavior from daughter has been going on for 20 years!! 

She has learned to wait till the last minute to mention any crisis in order to not give us time to think it over,,

Now we have to take care of us because she said she wouldn't take care of us in later years..This has already started as wife had total knee replacement 7 months ago and daughter never called nor came over to see if wife was o.k. or needed help!!! We gotta take care of ourselves...


----------



## Falcon (Jul 18, 2017)

Write her off.  She's just dragging you down,  and you don't need that.

And it's not YOUR fault.   Some kids come out of the egg wrong'

You'd be surprised how many families  are harboring an offspring locked  up in the attic.


----------



## RadishRose (Jul 18, 2017)

My heart goes out to you Joel.


----------



## Butterfly (Jul 18, 2017)

Joel, I feel for you.  Many years ago I had to "evict" a relative from my home and it was extremely hard and emotional for me.  The relative had fallen on hard times and had a long sad (and mostly false) story of misfortune and asked if they could stay for a little while until they found a job.  Long story short, said relative laid around, never offered to help, get a job or pay anything of what had been promised, generally trashed the place, ate me out of house and home and had druggie creepy scary friends over when I was at work.  I finally  had enough and had them removed from my premises.

It was awful, but had I not done it they would have dragged me down, impoverished me, and probably have gotten me into serious trouble if they had drugs in my home.  I learned a lesson then and have never done that again.  You have to think of yourself first sometimes, and especially as you get to be older and it becomes harder to recoup losses.  You cannot help someone who will not try to help themselves, and keeping on trying to do so can just wind up with you on the street, too. 

You are in the right here!  Get her out of the house, change the locks immediately and sell the place or whatever you plan to do with it.  Be prepared for long sad recriminating phone calls and maybe even some damage to the house.  If I were you, I'd ask the police to cruise by the house as they can to sort of keep an eye on it.  I would also inform the neighbors over there that she is no longer allowed in that house and to call the police if she shows up and tries to get in.

Hang on, grit your teeth and you'll get through this.  Just don't give up and fall for another pitiful story.  She needs to grow up and get her act together and get a job.  You've gone above and beyond with all your help.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## joel0711 (Jul 18, 2017)

*Continuation on Anybody ever have to evict daughter*

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO .............

Daughter 36yrs old and dead head boyfriend refuse to pay rent (honey of a deal of course).. She gets approx. 3200 dollars coming-in from death of husband and 1child support and boyfriend's SSI check for being lazy,,,plus daughter has part time job with a federal agency (probationary status at present)
.....  As noted in first thread rent is only 550 monthly,this is our house payment. Oldest Grandson works but I don't count his income. Our contract is with his mother not him... 
In addition to the house payment we're also stuck with paying for the car she broke that we bought her for her job, as her credit stinks. Course we were promised payment the on car,,just like we were promised payment on the house. 

Not counting heart-ache/despair it's looking like we'll have to spend another 300 dollars court costs just to get her out,,,since she is still there as of one hour ago.
Since driving by we have made numerous calls to her cell phone and even grandson's phone to try and find out what is going on!! So far no response (as usual). 

We hate going through the court actions and need to know if anyone has any ideas on getting someone out other than legal........
Should we notify her X-Husband as eviction will affect his 16 yrs old daughter.... Also should we notify grand parent that lives in an
other state and is not aware of what is going on ----- Should they be notified???

It's wearing us down emotionally,,financially and health-wise to let it go much longer.

We'll keep all posted on this continuing saga !!

Many THANKS for all the replies...


----------



## Butterfly (Jul 18, 2017)

I don't think I would notify extended family, lest you be accused of fomenting discord within the family.

ALSO, there really isn't any other way to get them out of there except through the courts, if they won't go legally.  There just isn't.  Eviction isn't that complicated a procedure -- you just have to meticulously follow what steps your state laws require.  If they won't leave after you have an eviction order, you can have the sheriff (or whoever does such things in your state) remove them from the premises.

My advice would be to start the legal procedure and quit trying to contact her or reason with her; it will just upset you more.  Try to keep it an arm's length procedure like any other landlord/tenant matter and don't let it take over your life.  Just stand firm and go on about your life.   You didn't ask for this and in large part you can't control it; your choices are to let her/them stay there and you guys pay the payments forever, or you get her out of there.


----------



## Warrigal (Jul 18, 2017)

I think you should listen to Butterfly.

Can you practise any calming techniques to help you  through the emotional turmoil.

I don't know whether this story will help you but it is something that I discovered years ago when my daughter left home.

It was not the first time. She was a trainee nurse and she had moved into the nurses' quarters at the hospital right after graduating high school. I was OK with this because I knew she was safe there. Halfway through the year she moved into shared accommodation in a house with other young people. This didn't work out and before long she asked to come back home. 

I was happy with this although hubby had problems with her having much more freedom than she had when she was at school. She took up with a rather dodgy boyfriend who had been in gaol for traffic offences. I wasn't happy about that but eventually she saw him for what he was and ditched him.

At the end of the year she informed me that she was thinking of moving into a home unit with a girlfriend. Of course, this was a done deal and the lease was already signed.

My emotional reaction was quite irrational. I knew that she had every right to do this; she was 20 years old by then. I had raised her to be independent but even so I went a bit crazy. I sent every one of her possessions to her flat, even her bicycle and childhood memorabilia. One day I was driving across the city to visit friends for lunch and I was crying uncontrollably; partly in grief and part anger. I knew I had to do something to get myself under control so I drove down to a jetty by the harbour and stared at the water.

Then mentally I threw myself into the water. Not literally, I discarded my mother persona and I walked back to the car as my single, pre-marriage persona. This allowed me to calm my mind and stopped the crying. I kept this up for several weeks, even using my maiden name when writing my signature. I told no-one what I was doing because it sounded so crazy.

I now realise that it is possible to take control of a heart that is breaking and a mind that is churning by using certain meditation techniques and visualisations. Whatever you do, try to stay calm and avoid making the situation worse for your relationships with the grand children.

Will it help you to know that I could pray for you? I could pray for you and your husband and for your psychological well  being.


----------



## joel0711 (Jul 19, 2017)

Prayers would certainly be helpful!!!

Will keep all posted


----------



## Faith (Jul 25, 2017)

Joel I am so sorry that you and your wife have this pain and suffering..You are in  my prayers and well wishes.


----------



## joel0711 (Jul 25, 2017)

Faith said:


> Joel I am so sorry that you and your wife have this pain and suffering..You are in  my prayers and well wishes.


Many THANKS !!


----------



## joel0711 (Aug 5, 2017)

Daughter  moved  out and of course she tells grand kids it's our fault and they're not talking to us ---Time will tell I guess..


----------



## RadishRose (Aug 5, 2017)

Chin up Joel. Now she may have a chance to finally grow up and make something of herself. The grands may very well come to understand in time.  

Take good care of yourself, please!


----------



## Shalimar (Aug 5, 2017)

You did the right thing Joel. Be gentle with yourselves. Sometimes, it seems in the short term at least, there are no "good" solutions, just the ones we can live with. To continue with the situation as it was would have been permanently toxic. Now, you can concentrate on your lives. I think it very likely the grands will figure it out in time and include you in their lives again. I salute your courage.


----------



## Vega_Lyra (Aug 6, 2017)

I also salute your decision. Sometimes our children take advantage of our love and abuse our tolerance.
:wave:


----------



## Warrigal (Aug 6, 2017)

Although it doesn't feel like it, you have acted for the best with love for your daughter and grandchildren.
She must move forward now and so must you. There really is no going back.


----------



## joel0711 (Aug 6, 2017)

Warrigal said:


> Although it doesn't feel like it, you have acted for the best with love for your daughter and grandchildren.
> She must move forward now and so must you. There really is no going back.



EXACTLY!!----- Thanks to all for the su[port,,,,we're having a rough time being away from grand kids,,,they were a part of our lives.....


----------



## Vega_Lyra (Aug 12, 2017)

joel0711 said:


> EXACTLY!!----- Thanks to all for the su[port,,,,we're having a rough time being away from grand kids,,,they were a part of our lives.....



............Unfortunately, we are not a part of their lives.......


----------



## joel0711 (Aug 12, 2017)

Vega_Lyra said:


> ............Unfortunately, we are not a part of their lives.......



Learning that real fast !!~

They have moved and we are readying house to sell--


----------



## RadishRose (Aug 12, 2017)

Good luck with the sale! Please keep in touch.


----------



## joel0711 (Aug 12, 2017)

RadishRose said:


> Good luck with the sale! Please keep in touch.



will do--lotsa work to do first


----------



## Vega_Lyra (Aug 14, 2017)

joel0711 said:


> Learning that real fast !!~
> 
> They have moved and we are readying house to sell--



Why would anyone sell their "nest" ? :wave:


----------



## joel0711 (Aug 14, 2017)

Our house is long paid off..... We bought other house for daughter since her credit stinks,,with the promise of monthly payments which didn't happen!!


----------

