# I want to move, husband refuses



## Peridot

Hello! Finally found a forum for seniors that I can relate to! I would really like to hear your views or suggestions on a dilemma I'm having. I hate our city, neighborhood, neighbors, house, etc. I bought our house 16 yrs ago when I was single. Met my husband shortly after that & have been married 5 years. 

The neighborhood has changed; we have party people on one side of us who aren't taking care of their house so it's a mess, Section 8 neighbors on the other side who are quiet but don't take care of the property, Section 8 house across the street too and there have been times where the police have been called on them. I get weeds growing on our property from both sides so I have to take care of that. 

We've put a lot of money into our house and it still needs a lot of work, around $25k for new kitchen, bath, driveway, hardwood floors refinished. I'm 62, hubby is 58. 

There's a wonderful over 55 gated community, surrounded by woods, located in a nearby boro that has 450 manufactured homes, some with garages/carports that I've fallen in love with and recently took a tour of homes for sale. There are so many activities scheduled, a huge community center, absolutely beautiful.  They don't have basements but that's ok, I want everything on one floor. 

The management co. requires a criminal background check, all home owners must take care of their property so no issues there. I met some of the neighbors while touring and some are younger than me, all very very nice. I've talked to people who live there and they love it.  

Here's the problem, my husband won't move there! I get every excuse you can think of! He has no place to put his gun safe, I tell him he can have the whole garage for his guns if he wants. He doesn't want to live with 'old' people. He doesn't want to live in a trailer. The square footage of the houses is the same as my house so there's plenty of room. He said he wants to stay where we are or move to another county. 

At my age, I don't want to move far from family, travel far to work or start over again with a 30 yr mortgage. We've put so much money into our house and will never get that money out of it. I'm been trying to get him to move for years! He said if I move there, he'd buy the house from me and stay there, or move to an apartment. This is a big issue! 

Every time something happens in the neighborhood, I say we're moving I hate it here. He says fine you move out, I'll stay here. Nothing that happens seems to phase him. I'm so sorry for such a long post, but I really some advice! TIA


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## SeaBreeze

Welcome Peridot!  

Sorry to hear your husband isn't on the same page with you, sounds like you want a positive move for the both of you.  I'm really surprised that your husband suggests splitting up and his staying in your old house without you, that's troublesome for sure.  I could understand that better if it was originally his house, and that he bought and paid for it and was really attached for that reason....but that's not the case it seems.

I think you really need to have a heart to heart with him about that, find out the real reason he'd rather jeopardize his relationship with you rather than move into a nice new home with you so you can enjoy it together, his reasons are very shallow IMO.  Could it be something underlying, I don't know him but it's something that popped into my head?  Could he have a problem with the criminal background check that they insist on, does he has a special friend in the old neighborhood that he doesn't want to move away from?  Gotta be something.


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## jujube

SeaBreeze said it well.  

Go ahead......offer to let him buy your house and see what happens.  There are a lot of couples who get along just fine living in different houses.

Oh, and welcome to Senior Forums!


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## Camper6

Give it time.  He will change his mind now that the seed has been planted.


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## Wren

I'm the last person to give advice on anything like this, I guess it boils down to how unhappy you are living in your current home compared  how much your husband means to you ....

Whatever you decide I wish you luck and hope you find a happy solution, and a big welcome to Senior Forums :flowers:


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## treeguy64

Read him the riot act! : "We're moving.  I've contacted a real estate agent and I'm selling this house, the house I bought, long before you, ASAP!"  If he doesn't want to go, stop off at your attorney's office, on the way to your real estate agent's office.  Who wants to be with a mate who doesn't care if the place you're presently living at is making you miserable?


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## RadishRose

Sounds like he's hiding something to me, too.

Has he invested as much money or more than you?

Does he work?

Good luck Peridot.


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## Knight

1st. welcome Peridot




Looking for some input from other seniors makes a lot of sense because often when buried in a problem seeing a resolution isn't easy. I think what you may be looking for is a 1st step.

As a 1st. step talk to your husband about why he is willing to buy the house & say goodbye to you. That will probably difficult because most people don't like confrontations. But once you know where his mind is in your relationship the rest of what you need or want can be discussed. 

You have a right to your happiness, you are employed and when you were single not to long ago you bought the house you live in. That says a lot about being a being a capable independent woman. If you decide to comfront that issue maybe you will come back and explain how it went.


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## Peridot

Thank you so much for your suggestions! After I posted my issue, I was a little embarrassed thinking oh my gosh, this is such a personal problem and I'm asking strangers for advice! You have made me feel so much better ... Husband doesn't have criminal background, I've known his family for years so he's not hiding anything. Great guy, no other problems. I think he is afraid of change. Same thing happens with jobs. No matter how much he hates a job he won't look for a new one until he's forced to when he gets laid off. Will keep your suggestions in mind!


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## Aunt Bea

Tell him to follow the van!!!


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## SeaBreeze

Peridot said:


> Thank you so much for your suggestions! After I posted my issue, I was a little embarrassed thinking oh my gosh, this is such a personal problem and I'm asking strangers for advice! You have made me feel so much better ... Husband doesn't have criminal background, I've known his family for years so he's not hiding anything. Great guy, no other problems. I think he is afraid of change. Same thing happens with jobs. No matter how much he hates a job he won't look for a new one until he's forced to when he gets laid off. Will keep your suggestions in mind!



Glad you feel better, you can ask about anything here, lots of folks who care and may have had similar experiences.  If there's no other problems, then I just think you need to take a different approach when reasoning with him.

  Let him know that the change will be nice for both of you, and the most important thing is that you'll be together.  Reassure him you'll always be there for him and help him with anything he might be uncomfortable with at first.  He has to love you more than he fears change, he can't want you to stay in an area where you feel insecure or upset about the neighborhood goings on.  Take him out to dinner, have a glass of wine, and talk. :love_heart:


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## Iodine

I was thinking he doesn't want a change before I read your last post Peridot.  I know people like that.  If I were you I'd sell the house and move.  If the choice is between moving with you or moving to an apartment, he'll move with you.  If you let him buy your house, he'll probably stay there since he hates change so much.


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## ray188

I think Wren nailed it. We only have so many years and we have to make the most of them. As you know, you have two issues - one is the relationship and that is totally private and you have to figure out what will work best for you. But the living environment - I am a big fan of 55+ communities. You are among contemporaries, the community is geared towards your wants and needs. We are in such a community since 2003 and have not once doubted our decision.


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## Camper6

ray188 said:


> I think Wren nailed it. We only have so many years and we have to make the most of them. As you know, you have two issues - one is the relationship and that is totally private and you have to figure out what will work best for you. But the living environment - I am a big fan of 55+ communities. You are among contemporaries, the community is geared towards your wants and needs. We are in such a community since 2003 and have not once doubted our decision.



Ray: One size doesn't fit all.


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## SeaBreeze

I feel for Peridot.  I wouldn't want to insist so much that my husband moved with me just to satisfy me or shut me up.  I wouldn't want him in the new place unless he really wanted to be there with me and was happy and content about it.

If he said he would rather live without me than move there, it would hurt me inside, after all we depend on our spouses to be supportive, loving and want to be with us no matter what.  I think the only way she and her husband can resolve this is discussion, talk about pros and cons, and maybe coming to an agreement where they both will be happy.  She won't be very happy in the new home all alone, and he will definitely miss her and not be very happy in the old house.  Looking forward to a positive update from her.


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## Lara

Peridot said:
			
		

> Hello! Finally found a forum for seniors that I can relate to! I would really like to hear your views or suggestions on a dilemma I'm having. I hate our city, neighborhood, neighbors, house, etc. I bought our house 16 yrs ago when I was single. Met my husband shortly after that & have been married 5 years.
> 
> The neighborhood has changed; we have party people on one side of us who aren't taking care of their house so it's a mess, Section 8 neighbors on the other side who are quiet but don't take care of the property, Section 8 house across the street too and there have been times where the police have been called on them. I get weeds growing on our property from both sides so I have to take care of that.
> 
> We've put a lot of money into our house and it still needs a lot of work, around $25k for new kitchen, bath, driveway, hardwood floors refinished. I'm 62, hubby is 58.
> 
> There's a wonderful over 55 gated community, surrounded by woods, located in a nearby boro that has 450 manufactured homes, some with garages/carports that I've fallen in love with and recently took a tour of homes for sale. There are so many activities scheduled, a huge community center, absolutely beautiful. They don't have basements but that's ok, I want everything on one floor.
> 
> The management co. requires a criminal background check, all home owners must take care of their property so no issues there. I met some of the neighbors while touring and some are younger than me, all very very nice. I've talked to people who live there and they love it.
> 
> Here's the problem, my husband won't move there! I get every excuse you can think of! He has no place to put his gun safe, I tell him he can have the whole garage for his guns if he wants. He doesn't want to live with 'old' people. He doesn't want to live in a trailer. The square footage of the houses is the same as my house so there's plenty of room. He said he wants to stay where we are or move to another county.
> 
> At my age, I don't want to move far from family, travel far to work or start over again with a 30 yr mortgage. We've put so much money into our house and will never get that money out of it. I'm been trying to get him to move for years! He said if I move there, he'd buy the house from me and stay there, or move to an apartment. This is a big issue!
> 
> Every time something happens in the neighborhood, I say we're moving I hate it here. He says fine you move out, I'll stay here. Nothing that happens seems to phase him. I'm so sorry for such a long post, but I really some advice! TIA


Here's another thing...the safety issue. You are surrounded by Section 8 housing and you have seen police cars at times. Now I know there can be some nice people living there but section8 housing does have a reputation for crime, drugs, etc. I knew someone living alone in Section 8 housing. There was a homicide next door to her where the husband shot the wife dead. It scared her. (and I'll bet that guy would have loved to rob someone of their gun cabinet like the one your husband possesses).

Ask your husband these questions. Do you love me enough to care for my safety? (that alone should do it) Do you love me enough to protect me from harm? Do you you love me enough to want happiness for me over being miserable? Do you love me enough to re-locate your gun cabinet? Do you love me enough to man-up to change.

He says, "Fine. You move out. I'll stay here"? Seriously? This doesn't sound like a man who loves you as much as a husband should. He should want to fight for you. He cares more about the logistics of his gun cabinet? As far as living with old people...ask him to define "old". Seniors are more active these days and the community has planned activities for everyone to enjoy. New friends to be made. Ask him where he sees himself in 5 or 10 years.


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## Camper6

But Lara.

Who is doing the pushing ?


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## Lara

Camper6 said:


> But Lara.
> 
> Who is doing the pushing ?


It's not a matter of "Who". It's "What". 

"The [deteriorating] neighborhood, neighbors, house and...every time something happens in the neighborhood" according to the opening post.


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## ray188

Camper6 said:


> Ray: One size doesn't fit all.


Absolutely correct. Peridot is going to have to decide what her "size" is - and go for it.


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## Camper6

Lara said:


> It's not a matter of "Who". It's "What".
> 
> "The [deteriorating] neighborhood, neighbors, house and...every time something happens in the neighborhood" according to the opening post.




But still that's not moving him.  He has to be willing.  And pushing him only makes him push back.  

He's a procrastinator.  Give him time.


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## Camper6

The house or the guy?  Make your choice sort of thing?  That's not good advice at all. 

Trust me. It's awful living alone no matter how nice the digs are.


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## Bullie76

treeguy64 said:


> Read him the riot act! : "We're moving.  I've contacted a real estate agent and I'm selling this house, the house I bought, long before you, ASAP!"  If he doesn't want to go, stop off at your attorney's office, on the way to your real estate agent's office.  Who wants to be with a mate who doesn't care if the place you're presently living at is making you miserable?



That would be the same approach hubby is taking. Might as well file for divorce. 

I wouldn't want to live in a manufactured home community either. Fine for some but not for others. Not sure what to suggest other than another subdivision that doesn't have the current problems.


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## hearlady

Peridot said:


> Hello! Finally found a forum for seniors that I can relate to! I would really like to hear your views or suggestions on a dilemma I'm having. I hate our city, neighborhood, neighbors, house, etc. I bought our house 16 yrs ago when I was single. Met my husband shortly after that & have been married 5 years.
> 
> The neighborhood has changed; we have party people on one side of us who aren't taking care of their house so it's a mess, Section 8 neighbors on the other side who are quiet but don't take care of the property, Section 8 house across the street too and there have been times where the police have been called on them. I get weeds growing on our property from both sides so I have to take care of that.
> 
> We've put a lot of money into our house and it still needs a lot of work, around $25k for new kitchen, bath, driveway, hardwood floors refinished. I'm 62, hubby is 58.
> 
> There's a wonderful over 55 gated community, surrounded by woods, located in a nearby boro that has 450 manufactured homes, some with garages/carports that I've fallen in love with and recently took a tour of homes for sale. There are so many activities scheduled, a huge community center, absolutely beautiful.  They don't have basements but that's ok, I want everything on one floor.
> 
> The management co. requires a criminal background check, all home owners must take care of their property so no issues there. I met some of the neighbors while touring and some are younger than me, all very very nice. I've talked to people who live there and they love it.
> 
> Here's the problem, my husband won't move there! I get every excuse you can think of! He has no place to put his gun safe, I tell him he can have the whole garage for his guns if he wants. He doesn't want to live with 'old' people. He doesn't want to live in a trailer. The square footage of the houses is the same as my house so there's plenty of room. He said he wants to stay where we are or move to another county.
> 
> At my age, I don't want to move far from family, travel far to work or start over again with a 30 yr mortgage. We've put so much money into our house and will never get that money out of it. I'm been trying to get him to move for years! He said if I move there, he'd buy the house from me and stay there, or move to an apartment. This is a big issue!
> 
> Every time something happens in the neighborhood, I say we're moving I hate it here. He says fine you move out, I'll stay here. Nothing that happens seems to phase him. I'm so sorry for such a long post, but I really some advice! TIA



I can relate to a married couple having completely different views on how to spend the golden years.
If a compromise can't be found then someone is not going to get their way. 
I would do my best to find reasons for him to come around to my thinking. In my case, unfortunately I think he's doing the same thing. 
Have you done a list of pros and cons for him? Maybe you can come up with more pros he hasn't thought of.
Good Luck. It's not easy.


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## Peridot

Lara, you have brought up some very good questions for me to ask. I want to thank all of you for your time and suggestions 
I'm still working on him! Last time we talked, he said I know you're unhappy here, you can move and I'll stay here. We'll see each other twice a week and I'm not moving unless they take me out in a box! Other reasons - we'll have to start over and have home improvements again, the rooms will be too small so we'll have to give up our king size bed, etc. 

Also, he had a hip replacement, fell 2 wks after surgery, dislocated his femur and damaged new hip. The master bedroom is on the 2nd flr and the bathroom is on the 1st flr so he's been sleeping in the spare room for 8 months now! Wouldn't it make sense to move to home with everything on one floor? 

As far as I'm concerned, I will not be married 'part time', it's all or nothing. I'll keep you updated. Very stressful and I'm starting to get resentful. Thanks all!


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## RadishRose

I hope it all works out, Peridot.


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## Sassycakes

It sounds like my husband and I are in a some what similar situation,except he wants to move and I don't. We've lived in our present home for over 40yrs. I love it but the neighborhood is also changing a lot. My son and daughter also want us to move to be closer to where they both have their homes. My daughter is really anxious for us to move near her because she thinks she could help us more and see us more.  Last week my husband and my daughter went to an open house near her. My husband came home and told me he really liked it. So I thought about it for awhile and then I told him if he wants to move it's ok with me. I didn't want to fight over it anymore and now I think that it might be the best thing to do. The only thing I insisted on was it being a one story house. So now we are looking for a new home.


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## RadishRose

Good luck house-hunting Sassy. It sounds like a good move actually, and you'll get caught up in the excitement of feathering your new nest.


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## Knight

Peridot you asked what others think. 


Quote
"As far as I'm concerned, I will not be married 'part time', it's all or nothing. I'll keep you updated. Very stressful and I'm starting to get resentful. Thanks all!"


Try this. Step outside the box you are in & go back and read all that you have posted. Think about what you would advise another self sufficient woman to do. Your posts have all been about the pro reasons for moving, use that as your guide. You are at the point of resentment so it's possible you might not like the answer you would give. Basically you would be confronting the issue head on which isn't ever easy. 


Only advice I would give is don't issue an ultimatum, seek legal advice if you decide you no longer want to tolerate the situation you are in.


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## Camper6

After living alone for 5 years I would never give up a loyal partner for a house. Never.


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## Knight

Camper6 said:


> After living alone for 5 years I would never give up a loyal partner for a house. Never.


Does what she has been describing sound like she has a loyal partner? Loyalty goes both ways in a marriage, do the reasons she outlines sound unreasonable? 

Flat out she isn't asking about abandoning him only trying to get some  views on what she thinks are valid reasons for wanting to move.


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## Camper6

Depends on your definition of 'loyal'. Your pet dog is loyal because he follows and loves you in spite of what you are like.. Not the other way around.


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## Knight

Camper6 said:


> Depends on your definition of 'loyal'. Your pet dog is loyal because he follows and loves you in spite of what you are like.. Not the other way around.



Apple to oranges. The woman deserves the full support of her husband which according to her posts isn't happening. Her security alone should be enough reason to relocate.


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## Shalimar

No one should have to live in a place where they don't feel safe.


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## Smiling Jane

Shalimar said:


> No one should have to live in a place where they don't feel safe.



Especially when she's the one who owns the home. As that area deteriorates, her property values are probably going down.


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## Camper6

I hope I find out how this turns out.


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## Camper6

Shalimar said:


> No one should have to live in a place where they don't feel safe.



He doesn't feel unsafe does he?


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## Wren

_I hope I find out how this turns out.

_I hope there‘s a happy ending


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## Shalimar

Wren said:


> _I hope I find out how this turns out.
> 
> _I hope there‘s a happy ending


I hope so too!


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## Anomaly 73

Many manufactured homes with no basement have "Root cellars" where potatoes, squash, and apples can be kept. This can double as a "Safe room" for storms and his gun safe could fit nicely in one corner. We excavated a 6'x6'x6' cubicle which is entered through a trap door in my bedroom. I say "My" bedroom because my wife and I have separate sleeping quarters. The origin of that arrangement stemmed from a major conflict within our marriage. That's all been settled long ago but we've both found our privacy is preferable. Sometimes tension within a relationship demands physical separation but the parties (for various reasons) can't or won't admit that fact. Your husband may *prefer* the isolation of his "Spare room" but can't or won't say it. I know that may be reaching but people are often operating on a completely different level than we recognize.

Other than that, if you keep a good roof on modern mobile homes...they last forever. But, rather than a "Park", I would highly recommend purchasing a small forested rural plot near you (5-6 acres) and put a mobile on it. If you own your own land, you can do as you please in privacy and answer to no one. They come with *two* bedrooms. It can all be done very cheaply. Explain these things to him...perhaps he'll see the light.


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## Camper6

Sea Breeze.  My sentiments exactly.  I do think with a bit of patience he might change his mind in the future.

I wouldn't expect immediate results.


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## Smiling Jane

Anomaly 73 said:


> Many manufactured homes with no basement have "Root cellars" where potatoes, squash, and apples can be kept. This can double as a "Safe room" for storms and his gun safe could fit nicely in one corner. We excavated a 6'x6'x6' cubicle which is entered through a trap door in my bedroom. I say "My" bedroom because my wife and I have separate sleeping quarters. The origin of that arrangement stemmed from a major conflict within our marriage. That's all been settled long ago but we've both found our privacy is preferable. Sometimes tension within a relationship demands physical separation but the parties (for various reasons) can't or won't admit that fact. Your husband may *prefer* the isolation of his "Spare room" but can't or won't say it. I know that may be reaching but people are often operating on a completely different level than we recognize.



I rarely hear people admit to separate bedrooms, but I cringe at the thought of sharing a bedroom with another person. The husband in this thread may not want to give up his autonomy, or something odd like that. Their current arrangement doesn't seem to be old enough for him to be set in stone with it, so it could well be another issue entirely.


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## Butterfly

Shalimar said:


> No one should have to live in a place where they don't feel safe.



My feelings exactly; I would not continue to live in a place where I felt my personal safety was at stake.  I especially wouldn't put my safety at risk when (a) it's MY house, (b) he is not offering to do anything to decrease my feelings of not being safe, (c) the relationship is fairly new and i would seriously question the viability of the relationship if he seems uncaring about my feelings about such a serious thing as personal safety and doesn't seem to see you as a married "unit."

One suggestion, a lesson I learned from personal experience -- if you DO decide to sell the house to him, be sure you keep it "arms length" as you would with any other purchaser.  Make him get a new loan or whatever, but don't carry the paper yourself or you leave yourself open to his being able to jerk you around forever (i.e., what if he doesn't make promised payments to you and/or messes up the place or doesn't pay the property taxes).  Just don't let yourself get put in that position, you could wind up with a lot of heartache, legal expenses and hassle, and financial loss.


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## rgp

To the OP....there is a message there...read it & respond appropriately .

I hear a Tammy Wynette song playing.


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## OneEyedDiva

Camper6 said:


> Give it time.  He will change his mind now that the seed has been planted.


Seriously Camper?! Sounds like she's already given it enough time and he is standing firm on not wanting to move. Should the time come that she needs to sell the house because she's decided to move, with how the neighborhood is going down, she may take a big loss (or bigger loss) than she is likely to take today!


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## OneEyedDiva

Someone mentioned accepting to live separately. I like that idea. My husband and I have separate apartments (long story) but we see each other almost daily. Truthfully, I wouldn't have it any other way (another long story). Been there, done that...do not want to be in a 24/7 marriage (though we *do not* consider our marriage to be "part time")' I know of other people who have made it work as well and they are also happier for it. Also, since it IS your home, offering to sell it to him if he doesn't come around might be the way to go, as was also mentioned. If he can't buy it...Oh well...you've given him the chance. At our ages, life is becoming too short to live it in misery and to have to fear for our safety and sanity. That is *very *much an issue. If your resentment continues to fester, that can potentially kill your marriage. As i mentioned in a reply to someone else, the longer you wait to sell, the less your home will be valued at, so you may take a loss or big loss. I agree that there may be some underlying reason that hopefully you will get to the bottom of and move forward. Also....hopefully with your husband to your new home.  Best of luck with this...it is quite a dilemma.


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## ClassicRockr

Peridot said:


> Hello! Finally found a forum for seniors that I can relate to! I would really like to hear your views or suggestions on a dilemma I'm having. I hate our city, neighborhood, neighbors, house, etc. I bought our house 16 yrs ago when I was single. Met my husband shortly after that & have been married 5 years.
> 
> The neighborhood has changed; we have party people on one side of us who aren't taking care of their house so it's a mess, Section 8 neighbors on the other side who are quiet but don't take care of the property, Section 8 house across the street too and there have been times where the police have been called on them. I get weeds growing on our property from both sides so I have to take care of that.
> 
> We've put a lot of money into our house and it still needs a lot of work, around $25k for new kitchen, bath, driveway, hardwood floors refinished. I'm 62, hubby is 58.
> 
> There's a wonderful over 55 gated community, surrounded by woods, located in a nearby boro that has 450 manufactured homes, some with garages/carports that I've fallen in love with and recently took a tour of homes for sale. There are so many activities scheduled, a huge community center, absolutely beautiful.  They don't have basements but that's ok, I want everything on one floor.
> 
> The management co. requires a criminal background check, all home owners must take care of their property so no issues there. I met some of the neighbors while touring and some are younger than me, all very very nice. I've talked to people who live there and they love it.
> 
> Here's the problem, my husband won't move there! I get every excuse you can think of! He has no place to put his gun safe, I tell him he can have the whole garage for his guns if he wants. He doesn't want to live with 'old' people. He doesn't want to live in a trailer. The square footage of the houses is the same as my house so there's plenty of room. He said he wants to stay where we are or move to another county.
> 
> At my age, I don't want to move far from family, travel far to work or start over again with a 30 yr mortgage. We've put so much money into our house and will never get that money out of it. I'm been trying to get him to move for years! He said if I move there, he'd buy the house from me and stay there, or move to an apartment. This is a big issue!
> 
> Every time something happens in the neighborhood, I say we're moving I hate it here. He says fine you move out, I'll stay here. Nothing that happens seems to phase him. I'm so sorry for such a long post, but I really some advice! TIA



Wife and I are almost 70, married almost 16 years and we have absolutely no problem deciding to move back to a state we use to live in. What YOU have is a real marital problem, that I really don't think a Senior Forum can help you with. You need some professional help in your marriage, and if he says "absolutely not", you have even more of a problem and decisions to make. 

All I can say is..........GOOD LUCK.


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## Sunny

Aunt Bea, thanks so much for that wonderful Muppets clip!  I've always loved that song. And nobody could do it like Miss Piggy!


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## retiredtraveler

ClassicRockr said:


> Wife and I are almost 70, married almost 16 years and we have absolutely no problem deciding to move back to a state we use to live in. What YOU have is a real marital problem, that I really don't think a Senior Forum can help you with. You need some professional help in your marriage, and if he says "absolutely not", you have even more of a problem and decisions to make......



   It's difficult to give advice to people with very different lives from yours but I tend to agree with this posting. You have a 'legitimate' (imho) difference in opinions, can't find a middle ground, and the forum really isn't going to help. You two will have to work it out.
   I've had to give up ideas of moving to a state where I would like to live because DW and I both have family in the Chicago area. It's a compromise. But, it's not important enough for me to push for the argument of leaving everyone we know so I can live in the Pacific northwest. It's a old-married-couple discussion and compromise. We too are looking to sell the house in the coming years and move to a different suburb of Chicago, but we both pretty much agree on what we want in an apartment and location. In our opinion, we think it's foolish to live in a single family house when you're older. If something happens healthwise, and we need something like assisted living, being in an apartment gives us a quick option to move. Anyway, that's us.

   I hope you can work something out for yourselves.


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## Sassycakes

Peridot.I hope you are doing better with your problem. I mentioned before in an earlier post that I am in a similar situation except husband want to move and I don't. I finally gave in and we found a house and we make settlement next week. We have lived here for over 40 yrs and it's in the same neighborhood since I was born. The moving away isn't easy for me but I am trying to be positive about it. Now I try to concentrate on the good things like a one story house and being closer to my children. I wish you the very best on whatever decision you and your husband make.


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## HiDesertHal

Buy him a bottle of _Maker's Mark_...he'll come around!

Hal


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## Outdoorsygal

wow I wouldn't want to live in an 55+ community either at that age. Searching on realtor.com or where-ver for housing might be the first step 

Otherwise a few visits from police and being surrounded by section 8 and some partiers isn't a reason for you to break up a marriage. For Richer or Poorer, in sickness and in health, remember.

 I do sympathize, really.....this is so rough  but it cannot be all about you and exactly where you want to live like right there in that place but not away from family. Not saying it is but just a gentle reminder

He is the man of the house so you need to listen to your husband. Gentle nudging to show him how great another home is, area, etc... maybe in the neighborhood but not right next door to partiers is the solution. This seems so frustrating, sorry you are enduring this. Hopefully you both can go visit some vacant homes for fun to get out and expand his mind to the idea. Expecting him to uproot upon just a concept might be too much. Slowly ease him into it by visiting various homes for fun on a Sunday. Keep it lighthearted. Don't ask too many questions of him, just tour places. Ease up for a while. 
Good luck to you both!

just realized how old this thread is....wonder whats been happening


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## Marie5656

*Peridot, the OP , has not been back since a day or two after posting this message.  So, we need to take that into consideration before responding further.  Guess she will work things out.*


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## AZ Jim

Your house, your terms.  Move and he'll follow.


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## Peridot

Sassycakes, thank you for the vote of confidence! I hope you are doing well since you have moved.


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## Peridot

I'm still here! LOL Nothing has changed. My hubby has fallen several times in the house due to his hip issues since my first post. We have a large step from basement to garage, and a large step from den to living room. Yep, he's fallen on both of them. I forgot to mention he's on disability with a bad hip. He had replacement hip surgery last year, two weeks into recovery he fell on the garage step, did a split and dislocated his femur and damaged his new hip. It is going to take a long time for him to heal. He has other health issues too so we don't know if he'll ever go back to work. He's had health issues for 10 years. Still won't move though. We have discussed moving to the over 55 community multiple times to no avail. Right now I'm hanging in there.....Will keep you posted. Thank you for listening!


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## C'est Moi

Peridot said:


> I'm still here! LOL Nothing has changed. My hubby has fallen several times in the house due to his hip issues since my first post. We have a large step from basement to garage, and a large step from den to living room. Yep, he's fallen on both of them. I forgot to mention he's on disability with a bad hip. He had replacement hip surgery last year, two weeks into recovery he fell on the garage step, did a split and dislocated his femur and damaged his new hip. It is going to take a long time for him to heal. He has other health issues too so we don't know if he'll ever go back to work. He's had health issues for 10 years. Still won't move though. We have discussed moving to the over 55 community multiple times to no avail. Right now I'm hanging in there.....Will keep you posted. Thank you for listening!



Hope things work out for you.   Sorry about your hubby's falls and I hope he's doing OK.


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## Sassycakes

Peridot said:


> Sassycakes, thank you for the vote of confidence! I hope you are doing well since you have moved.




Things are working out really well. Hubby wanted to do some remodeling and he loves changing things around. In a few days we'll be having a walk-in tub installed and that will make me happy.It's been a real change for me,but I am adjusting. I wish you a great deal of luck and I hope it all goes well with you and your husband.


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## Traveler

Based on the information given thus far, it sounds like your husband needs the feeling of security: both in the house AND in the job he once had. Remember, he may not truly understand his own emotional needs for security. If that is true then he certainly can't explain it to you. It is possible that moving may actually frighten him. But, if that is the case it is highly unlikely that he'd ever admit it to you.

That being said, you may very well have some powerful leverage in this matter. 
1.) If you move and he falls and breaks more bones, who will make the call for help. He needs you more than he knows.
2.) Who is the cook in the house ? You or him ? If it is you, he may not like having to fend for himself. 

What ever you do, I would NOT advise giving him an ultimatum. To do so could create a never-ending anger on his part. If you decide to move, then do so, and invite him to go with you. But be aware that he could then turn around and blame YOU for the separation/break-up, as in, "She is the one to leave ME".  People, male and female, rarely take well to being forced to do something against their will.

Last thought. Do you have any friends in the community you would like to move to ? Friends about the same ages as you and your husband ? If so, perhaps you could arrange a week-end afternoon where you and he could participate in one of the activities you mention, most especially an activity he enjoys.


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## Derby

Outdoorsygal said:


> He is the man of the house so you need to listen to your husband.



I disagree with this notion completely -- and I'm a man. You can listen to your man if you want. If you don't want to listen, don't. You've won the freedom to do that, too.
Women can do whatever they want. 
Peridot: you go, girl!


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## C'est Moi

Derby said:


> I disagree with this notion completely -- and I'm a man. You can listen to your man if you want. If you don't want to listen, don't. You've won the freedom to do that, too.
> Women can do whatever they want.
> Peridot: you go, girl!



:thumbsup1:


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## Jandante

Was hoping to read that you are settled in a suitable home that you love by now,
particularly as the original home was yours long before he came along.
Is it a power/ control thing that your husband is insisting that you stay in the old place,
doesn't sound like it is good for him either with unsuitable steps etc.


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## peppermint

Good answer, SeaBreeze....I can hear what Peridot is talking about...My husband is easy....He would move to another home if I really wanted to....But at our age it's a hassle...We discussed 
moving many times but deciding where to live at our age, we just don't need the aggravation....We almost bought a home in another State, last year...But hubby got sick and we decided to
stay were we are because of his Doctors and treatments....I do love my home....I don't love some people that don't take care of their homes...Only 2 on our block, the rest of the neighbors
take care of their property....Hope Peridot makes a decistion....♥


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## Butterfly

Derby said:


> I disagree with this notion completely -- and I'm a man. You can listen to your man if you want. If you don't want to listen, don't. You've won the freedom to do that, too.
> Women can do whatever they want.
> Peridot: you go, girl!




I agree, and after all, it is HER house.


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## RiverUp

*Comment on stubborness/inflexibility*



Butterfly said:


> I agree, and after all, it is HER house.



Even in the very first post Peridot made, I wondered if there is some sort of fear in her hubby, as stubbornness and inflexibility often mask fear, something he would be unaware of and would never admit anyway. Some people are so fearful of change, they are always looking out for a threat to the status quo, and they view perceived "risk" as dangerous.  My husband was adamant we should not move our large, dining table next to a wall in our tiny home (years ago.) The table was out in the center of the floor and took up a lot of precious space.  I gracefully dropped the subject even though I disagreed.  Months later, while he was at work, I moved the table to where I wanted it to be, next to the wall. When he got home, he totally had forgotten about our previous discussion, (perhaps because I was so low-key about it?) and he heartily approved of how the table looked in its new location.  I never forgot this lesson and this insight into his personality.  A wife can give a much needed sense of security to a husband like this.  As resentment builds in the wife, it can be so tempting to pose an ultimatum.  This is a big mistake with the personality type we are speaking of in the husband, since he would feel attacked.  Even at the beginning, in your first post, Peridot, I noticed your husband had experienced some health issues.  Health issues, even at the young age of 58, can undermine a person's sense of coping with the world in general.  He may often feel overwhelmed and even may have an undiagnosed general anxiety disorder.  (I apologize for throwing this in, but ...could be.)  If he does have this, it is not the end of the world; you just learn to manage it, and being aware is empowering.
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





   Oh, and, Butterfly, I did not mean to have a quote from you here and was not replying to you, just am replying in general.  I'm still learning to use the forum.


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