# Do you ever wonder if you did the right thing about answering the phone?



## AprilSun (May 31, 2017)

I did today. Since Jan., I haven't spoken to my sister and it has been so peaceful without her. In Jan., her husband died suddenly. I regretted that so much because I have also lost a husband. 

A few days after this, my brother and I went to her house to show our support. While we were there we were discussing our other sister's assisted living home. 

There was a lady that used to work at this place and she had either gotten fired or quit, right now I can't remember which. I asked why did she leave and this sister stated, "Maybe she had trouble making things stick just like everyone else that's called AprilSun".  I was there to show and give my support and she has to say something like this. I would have thought that she didn't know what she was saying considering her spouse had just passed away but more times than not, she has been either making fun of my memory problem, which is due to a disability, or arguing with me about something I have just said and she thinks it isn't correct. 

For example, just a few months before he died, I had had my hair cut similar but different to a style I used to wear. When she sees it, she tells me, "You used to wear your hair like that before". I told her "No, I didn't. It was similar but not the same". She comes back with "No, it is the same". I told her again, "No it wasn't" and she came back again with "Yes you did". I asked her "And whose hair is it and who sees it every day?" She comes back with, "But your memory isn't any good." I told her, "Well, ask my hairdresser if you don't believe me" and she comes back with "Well her memory isn't much better than yours". 

This is just one example but there are many more where she is either making fun of or arguing tell me I don't know what I'm talking about because my memory is bad. Because of all of this, I just quit calling her or having anything to do with her. 

She calls me today. I thought about not answering the phone but I was afraid something could be wrong with our brother or sister so I broke down and answered and now I wish I hadn't. 

She starts the conversation with, "Are you mad at me?" and I replied with, "No, I'm not mad". She says, "Well you haven't called me in months". I responded with, "And you don't think there is a difference between being mad and being hurt". She came back with a reply like she didn't know and then, "What have I done".  I told her what had happened in Jan. and there were several others issues I started trying to discuss with her. 

As soon as I told her about the AprilSun remark, she comes back with "I didn't say that!"  I told her, "Yes you did and I'm not making it up!" Now that made me mad. She asked me to repeat it and comes back with "I was in shock and didn't know what I was saying". She says, "Well, we'll talk later because I'm not going to argue with you!" 

If that had been the only time, then yes, I would have thought that she didn't know what she was saying and wouldn't have been upset about it but she has a history of doing this! Today was a prime example of what I'm talking about. If she's not making fun of my memory, she's arguing, telling me I don't know what I'm talking about. 

She never believes anything I tell her. She thinks I don't remember anything correctly! That's why I'm fed up with her and have decided if that is what I'm going to have to put up with, I don't want anything else to do with her! The January incident is just "the straw that broke the camel's back".


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## debbie in seattle (May 31, 2017)

Sadly, my sis has turned into a terrible person of late.    We used to be 'best friends' but now I very rarely have any contact with her.  It's sad, but I don't need to be chastised constantly, life is too short.


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## Butterfly (Jun 1, 2017)

AprilSun, I decided a while ago that I wasn't going to associate with people who try to make me feel bad about myself, no matter who they are.  Life's too short.  If you're happier without her in your life, then keep it that way.  Your first obligation is to take care of yourself, and you don't need all that grief.  It sounds to me like she has some idea she has to prove she is better than you are for some reason, and that can be quite painful.  I have become a bit of a hard ass about things like that, but next time I wouldn't answer the phone.


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## Shalimar (Jun 1, 2017)

I wouldn't answer the phone either. She is treating you with disrespect. You deserve better. Aprilsun, she seems to be a bully, the only way to deal with one is to walk away.


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## AprilSun (Jun 1, 2017)

Thank you to all of you!!!! You have made me feel so much better. Before I logged in this morning, I was regretting posting this thread yesterday. I'm the type of person that needs to talk it out when there is a problem and I didn't have anyone to talk to yesterday about this. That's why I posted here and now I'm glad I did because you have helped me so much because of your support and understanding. Thank you again!!!!!


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## OneEyedDiva (Jun 14, 2017)

AprilSun: I don't blame you one bit for your decision. I hope you stick to it ! I understand, though, why you answered thinking something could be wrong. Is there anyone that's connected to your other sister and your brother that could be the ones to call you should an emergency come up with either of them? If so, then you won't have to worry about answering her calls anymore for the reason you gave. Life is too short to spend it having someone browbeat you and making you feel bad about yourself. Since you are on this forum I assume you are a senior. This is the time in our lives to enjoy peace, tranquility and to reflect on the good we've done for others and the good that is (or was) done for us.


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## AprilSun (Jun 14, 2017)

OneEyedDiva said:


> AprilSun: I don't blame you one bit for your decision. I hope you stick to it ! I understand, though, why you answered thinking something could be wrong. Is there anyone that's connected to your other sister and your brother that could be the ones to call you should an emergency come up with either of them? If so, then you won't have to worry about answering her calls anymore for the reason you gave. Life is too short to spend it having someone browbeat you and making you feel bad about yourself. Since you are on this forum I assume you are a senior. This is the time in our lives to enjoy peace, tranquility and to reflect on the good we've done for others and the good that is (or was) done for us.



Oh, you couldn't pay me to have anything to do with her now especially after that last call. Yes, as bad as I hate to admit it, I am a senior.  I don't think she'll be calling again but, I didn't think she would call this time and she did. So, I have my answering machine on at all times now so I'm monitoring my calls. This way, if there is an emergency and she should call, she can leave a message or call one of my children and let them call me. Thank you for your understanding!!!!


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## AprilSun (Mar 26, 2019)

Do any of you have children that "butt in" where they don't belong? For example, with this dispute between my sister and me, one of my children is "butting in" and won't stop. My brothers and sisters still have family gatherings. I had to give up my driving privileges years ago and if I go to any of these and this sister starts in on me again, I couldn't leave without asking the person that I went with to take me home and I feel that is not right. Because of all of this, I don't want to go. My children asked me if I was going to the upcoming gathering. I told them no and I didn't say anymore. They asked me if it was because of this dispute. I told them yes and before I could explain, the "sermons" began by telling me that this is what siblings do meaning I'm supposed to keep taking this abuse by my sister and I should forgive. I told them I don't mind occasional comments but this every time you speak and most of the conversation makes me where I can't enjoy being around her. They think I should just keep letting her talk down to me, make fun of me and anything else she wants to say. I tried telling them I was forgiving for years but when you keep forgiving and they go right back to the abuse, I can't keep taking it and I figure what's the point of  "forgiving" when she doesn't mean it. I tried telling them I'm tired of being put down! I decided since they wouldn't stop, I would call this sister and try to talk to her and explain how this kind of talk makes me feel. I knew it wouldn't do any good but it would at least give me a chance to say "I've tried" to anyone that won't stop harassing me about it. I called and started out trying to explain and I didn't get one sentence finished before she said, "If this is going to be a conversation rehashing everything that has been said, forget it" with the coldest tone I've ever heard. I told her this is the last time I'm reaching out to you and hung up. I got a message later from one of my children replying to an email I had sent trying once again to explain "WHY" I cut my sister off and it is an email full of the word, "FORGIVE" with scriptures. I did not respond to this and I have decided I will not discuss this with them again regardless of what they ask. My husband tried to get me to stop having anything to do with this sister years ago but at that time, she had not gotten so bad and I hated to do it to her. Do you have any children that try to run your life in ways they don't have any business doing so and if so, how do you deal with it? This child will not listen to me.


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## RadishRose (Mar 26, 2019)

April, I never had a sibling so I don't have any help for you, I'm sorry. 

It sounds like it's your child who won't leave you alone about it now, but hopefully in time, she will.

I hate to see you missing out on the fun of family gatherings, though and maybe your child misses you at these times.


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## hollydolly (Mar 26, 2019)

3 of my siblings are toxic..I cut them off years ago, couldn't put up with constantly forgiving their actions simply because they were  my siblings, and having them do it again, so ultimately for my own sanity I had to cut them off.. 

My daughter has watched them do these things over the years, and refuses to have anything to do with them either  , so fortunately I'm never in a position like yours...


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## C'est Moi (Mar 26, 2019)

I have an older sister who tends to "lecture" me on things that don't concern her, but for the sake of family harmony I learned to tune her out.   I believe she means well; she just doesn't know how annoying she is.     (Bonus--she lives 800 miles away!)

None of my children have ever lectured me in any way.   I suppose because they know I wouldn't take it well and they'd regret it, lol.   I have managed to live for over 60 years without their guidance, and if I ever need it I'll be sure to ask them what they think.  (But they'd better wait for me to ask.)  

I'm sorry that some families seem to have so much discord; life's much too short.


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## AprilSun (Mar 26, 2019)

hollydolly said:


> 3 of my siblings are toxic..I cut them off years ago, couldn't put up with constantly forgiving their actions simply because they were  my siblings, and having them do it again, so ultimately for my own sanity I had to cut them off..
> 
> My daughter has watched them do these things over the years, and refuses to have anything to do with them either  , so fortunately I'm never in a position like yours...



I have been wishing for years that this daughter would see what I've been talking about but it hasn't happened.



C'est Moi said:


> I have an older sister who tends to "lecture" me on things that don't concern her, but for the sake of family harmony I learned to tune her out.   I believe she means well; she just doesn't know how annoying she is.     (Bonus--she lives 800 miles away!)
> 
> None of my children have ever lectured me in any way.   I suppose because they know I wouldn't take it well and they'd regret it, lol.   I have managed to live for over 60 years without their guidance, and if I ever need it I'll be sure to ask them what they think.  (But they'd better wait for me to ask.)
> 
> I'm sorry that some families seem to have so much discord; life's much too short.



That's the way I feel about it too. If I ask for their opinion or help, then by all means, give it but learn to mind your own business until I do!


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## Sassycakes (Mar 27, 2019)

There was one time many years ago that my Older Brother called me. I was shocked to see his number come up because he never called me. I called him at least once a month. He had lived near us but then moved to another state. We only had contact with him if we made the call. As soon as I answered the phone he started yelling at me accusing me of saying something to his daughter in law which I didn't say. I tried to tell him but he just kept yelling at me and finally saying that I was nothing but trouble from the day I was born. I was so hurt at his remark. I was only 4yrs old when he got married. After he had children I was the one that had to do everything for his kids. He moved to the other State when I was only 18yrs old. I was very stupid and continued to call him even after what he said. He passed away 6yrs ago  I really regret staying in touch with him. If I had a second chance I would never have called him again. He also distanced himself from our sister and my parents. Sadly I won't have a second chance. So do whatever will make you feel better. I wish I had.


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## Aneeda72 (Apr 8, 2019)

I have problems with my brother and his family.  Finally, when I had had enough, I sent him an email telling him off and reminding him I was a sister not a third cousin from the wrong side of the blanket and he should treat me better.  We didn't speak for several years.  I started talking to him last year when his wife got sick to see how she was.

I have to contact him to get information on how his wife is.  He never calls me, which is fine.  My children don't care for him at all.  Some relatives are just jerks and you have to let them go.


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## Mollypops (Apr 8, 2019)

AprilSun, sometimes you have to do what is best for YOU even if it means breaking with your own siblings. You cannot let someone continue to bring you down like that. You have a life to live and you must live it positively.


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## AprilSun (Apr 8, 2019)

Aneeda72 said:


> I have problems with my brother and his family.  Finally, when I had had enough, I sent him an email telling him off and reminding him I was a sister not a third cousin from the wrong side of the blanket and he should treat me better.  We didn't speak for several years.  I started talking to him last year when his wife got sick to see how she was.
> 
> I have to contact him to get information on how his wife is.  He never calls me, which is fine.  My children don't care for him at all.  Some relatives are just jerks and you have to let them go.



You sound like me. I took and took until I got fed up and had had enough. That's when I put a stop to it and I haven't missed her one bit!



Mollypops said:


> AprilSun, sometimes you have to do what is best for YOU even if it means breaking with your own siblings. You cannot let someone continue to bring you down like that. You have a life to live and you must live it positively.



Oh, I'm through with her and don't regret it at all. As I stated above, I don't miss her either. For those of my family that try to "butt in to my business" where they don't belong, they don't know the whole story because they won't listen! For example, my daughter never kept quiet long enough for me to explain fully. She thought it was just one incident but it is years of incidents not just one! If she would keep her mouth shut and listen, she might understand it better. But, she didn't so that's her problem and not mine! Thank you everyone for your responses!


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## WhatInThe (Apr 9, 2019)

Going through something quite similar now. Everyone pretends to be neutral or not know anything. But information that is supposed to be confidential is leaked like classified information to the press. I've planted leaks and confirmed it. Everybody is trying to deflect or scapegoat others

But those lecturing condescending tones. Decades ago we just considered certain people snobbish, picky etc. But the condescension. It's so blatantly obvious used car salesman style. It's insulting along with infuriating. You can't wait for contact to be over wether it's phone or in person. 

By the end of this calendar year things will drastically change because of a number of reasons so I'm biding my time. I can handle my self and know what I can take but I've backed off some because of their fragile nature even though they try to project other wise. But every contact things get closer & closer to a knock down drag out brawl of sorts(not fists but everything but). Some already had blow ups with some of these people at holiday and birthday gatherings. The people most opinionated are showing the most frustration, anger and snobbishness and literally already alienated family. There's even a wild card being an outlier trying to work their way in to the fold but their opinion & alignment changes like night and day.

It's like the old X Files tv show-TRUST NO ONE.


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## Butterfly (Apr 10, 2019)

AprilSun said:


> You sound like me. I took and took until I got fed up and had had enough. That's when I put a stop to it and I haven't missed her one bit!
> 
> 
> 
> Oh, I'm through with her and don't regret it at all. As I stated above, I don't miss her either. For those of my family that try to "butt in to my business" where they don't belong, they don't know the whole story because they won't listen! For example, my daughter never kept quiet long enough for me to explain fully. She thought it was just one incident but it is years of incidents not just one! If she would keep her mouth shut and listen, she might understand it better. But, she didn't so that's her problem and not mine! Thank you everyone for your responses!



Earlier you said someone was  pushing you to forgive the sister, and it reminded me of something my pastor says.  He says the act of forgiveness is a spiritual thing, but it does NOT require you to trust the offending person again nor to associate with them.  God doesn't want you to be a punching bag. 
E


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## gumbud (Apr 10, 2019)

many ; many times but "ca ne fait rein"


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## AprilSun (Apr 10, 2019)

Butterfly said:


> Earlier you said someone was  pushing you to forgive the sister, and it reminded me of something my pastor says.  He says the act of forgiveness is a spiritual thing, but it does NOT require you to trust the offending person again nor to associate with them.  God doesn't want you to be a punching bag.
> E



This person expects me to be a "punching bag". I have forgiven over and over for the same thing but after so many years of doing the same thing, it shows they're not really sorry and I've run out of forgiveness or at least the kind this person expects me to have.


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## WhatInThe (Apr 10, 2019)

AprilSun said:


> This person expects me to be a "punching bag". I have forgiven over and over for the same thing but after so many years of doing the same thing, it shows they're not really sorry and I've run out of forgiveness or at least the kind this person expects me to have.



There is a point of no return in a relationship. May be people can take them in a different direction someday but trying to revive or retrieve something that was barely there is futile and dangerous especially in a abusive relationship. I've had to deal with multiple family members from different sides where they are super condescending or treat you like an employee. People need to understand that repetitive behavior is just as bad one big blow up. If others don't realize or address what's going on that's on them as an observer or perpetrator.


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## Butterfly (Apr 11, 2019)

AprilSun said:


> This person expects me to be a "punching bag". I have forgiven over and over for the same thing but after so many years of doing the same thing, it shows they're not really sorry and I've run out of forgiveness or at least the kind this person expects me to have.



If I were you, I'd just not have anything to do with her again.  Life's too short to keep on trying to live up to other people's expectations or trying to please those who can't be pleased.  You are not morally obligated to associate with people who belittle you or hurt your feelings, family or not.


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## Aunt Bea (Apr 11, 2019)

I wouldn't cut ties with a member of my immediate family but I would do my best to accept them the way they are and stop taking the bait.
_
Learn to let it go like water off a duck’s back._







If it was a random acquaintance I would drop them in a heartbeat and never look back! layful:nthego:


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## AprilSun (Apr 11, 2019)

Butterfly said:


> If I were you, I'd just not have anything to do with her again.  Life's too short to keep on trying to live up to other people's expectations or trying to please those who can't be pleased.  You are not morally obligated to associate with people who belittle you or hurt your feelings, family or not.



Oh, I'm through with her. This last time put the "icing on the cake". She was very rude as usual and that did it. I only tried because of my daughter but I knew what the responses and the outcome would be like because it's happened too many times before. She hasn't changed a bit.



Aunt Bea said:


> I wouldn't cut ties with a member of my immediate family but I would do my best to accept them the way they are and stop taking the bait.
> _
> Learn to let it go like water off a duck’s back._
> 
> ...



Because it is my sister is why I took it this long. But it had gotten to the point where I did not enjoy being around her or talking to her because of the way she would treat me. Each time we would have problems about it, we would talk it over and then she would go right back to treating me the same way she always has and I'm through with her because of this. She gives me the impression she thinks that just because she's my sister, I'm suppose to take anything from her. Well, I've got news for her, I'm not going to do it. I was reading online one day about people with a narcissist personality. I looked up this term, and it fit her perfectly. She is so in love with herself and so selfish. Plus, she thinks everyone is suppose to do as she says. She was trying to tell me what to do even though I had not asked for her help. I'm the type of person that if I need help, I will ask for it and until I do, don't be bossing me around and then get upset when I won't do it!


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