# Arguments with your partner, that have no solution , can ruin your day.



## Paco Dennis (Nov 1, 2021)

Lately I have been experiencing problems ( mainly involving serious health issues ) with my partner. One of us is sick and the other is treated less than cordial, then when they feel better, the other partner complains how they were mistreated. It is like we think we deserve reparations for the time we were not treated fairly. When we feel like we are not treated fairly we don't like it, and sometimes fight. (Not physically ) It becomes some kind of impasse. 
  No one is perfect, nor is any relationship. It seems like one has to just let the unsolvable trouble fade away...and it usually does. I guess maybe it is just another bump in the road. 
  It feels like a no win situation. You say your sorry, but that isn't good enough. If you stand your ground, the other feels misunderstood and hurt. So what we do is go off on our own until the bad weather passes. Is there a shorter way?


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## Pinky (Nov 1, 2021)

A little compassion goes a long way.


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## Aunt Bea (Nov 1, 2021)

I’m so thankful that I live alone!

Resist the urge to be less than cordial.  Don’t engage in the growling and grumping, just let it go.


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## Don M. (Nov 1, 2021)

We learned, a long time ago, to let the BS go in one ear, and out the other.  There is NO way that two people can live together without having some conflicts....but, if both parties can keep their mouths shut, and think before speaking, problems can be worked out.  We've put up with each other for about 57 years, and should make it the rest of the way.


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## Paco Dennis (Nov 1, 2021)

30 years here...and we always make up. I do think that some self control on my part would go a long way. It's tough when you want to blow steam, but I don't want to us to become


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## Knight (Nov 1, 2021)

Paco Dennis said:


> Lately I have been experiencing problems ( mainly involving serious health issues ) with my partner. One of us is sick and the other is treated less than cordial, then when they feel better, the other partner complains how they were mistreated. It is like we think we deserve reparations for the time we were not treated fairly. When we feel like we are not treated fairly we don't like it, and sometimes fight. (Not physically ) It becomes some kind of impasse.
> No one is perfect, nor is any relationship. It seems like one has to just let the unsolvable trouble fade away...and it usually does. I guess maybe it is just another bump in the road.
> It feels like a no win situation. You say your sorry, but that isn't good enough. If you stand your ground, the other feels misunderstood and hurt. So what we do is go off on our own until the bad weather passes. Is there a shorter way?


Isolating this for a reason.

Quote
"One of us is sick and the other is treated less than cordial, then when they feel better, the other partner complains how they were mistreated."

Is your partner the one that is sick & you are the one treating less than cordial? Why "they" ? They usually is in reference to two or more. 

After an argument is there any dialog about the futility of arguing about, as you put it something that has no solution? Can you then laugh about what it was?


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## Kaila (Nov 1, 2021)

Make a list of _other_ ways to let off steam?
And then,  look at the list, each time first, whenever feeling the urge to speak harshly or in haste?
On the list might be: Type or write the stuff with full blast, and then, let it go. (Not intended to give or tell the other? )  Possibly , then write the things that are more important to you?
Or, do some small physical specific  movement, such as bang some cushion or box with something, throw something (not at the other )  or go outdoors for 10 minutes, or shift focus to something else, etc.


I assume you have tried to discuss this specific difficulty, together, (and likely you have, many times)
at some calm, good timing, to try to _find and *both* agree to do,  some different thing..... a way to not upset the other, repeatedly ?
Such as, different wordings to use, that will not inflame or lengthen the upset situation?
Or an earlier communication, to indicate to the other, that you are moving toward that problem, that both of you don't want to be repeating.
  If you could try to replace it with something else, either individually or together, and then,  practice the new pattern, the repeating problem sometimes can become less frequent, or the aftermath not last as long.

Perhaps, Both try to use different specific words that do not trigger the other persons, or push their buttons?  Ask each other, what wordings would be easier to hear?

Possibly also, both remember to regularly tell the other, (and yourself when needed) the good parts you like about them, and the positive parts of the relationship you value, that are truly more important. 

Just sharing ideas.  I surely do not have the answer._


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## Aneeda72 (Nov 1, 2021)

It, of course, depends, on the degree of the lack of care.  If, as in my case, the lack of care was severe, then no if won’t just blow over, ever.

Otherwise, to answer your question, there is no shorter way.  And while such treatment might be forgiven, in time, it won’t be forgotten.  But I agree with @Knight concern.  Why the lack of care?  If the partner is not mentally ill, then there are arger issues that need to be discussed.


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## Paco Dennis (Nov 1, 2021)

Knight said:


> Isolating this for a reason.
> 
> Quote
> "One of us is sick and the other is treated less than cordial, then when they feel better, the other partner complains how they were mistreated."
> ...


It can be either partner that is feeling bad, and they are not very cordial. I think "they" can mean just 1 other person. That is the case here. 

Yes there is dialog that it is futile to continue talking.  Sometimes we laugh about the absolute unpredictability of moods and circumstances that trigger such conflicts.


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## Paco Dennis (Nov 1, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> It, of course, depends, on the degree of the lack of care.  If, as in my case, the lack of care was severe, then no if won’t just blow over, ever.
> 
> Otherwise, to answer your question, there is no shorter way.  And while such treatment might be forgiven, in time, it won’t be forgotten.  But I agree with @Knight concern.  Why the lack of care?  If the partner is not mentally ill, then there are arger issues that need to be discussed.


We all have anger issues. Some of them will persist until we die. Do anyone know anyone who does not have anger issues?


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## palides2021 (Nov 1, 2021)

Getting into arguments is a normal part of relationships. Now how to get out of them is tricky. I think sometimes you do need to walk away until the other person cools off (or you cool off). Give yourself time to reflect on the conversation. It's very important to resolve the issue soon so it doesn't fester and go into the next day and the next. Forgiving and asking for forgiveness is also important. Saying a simple "I'm sorry" and then explaining your view point without blaming them goes a long way. Flowers are also a nice gesture. Anything to show that you love that person. That's my two bits. Hope it helped!


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## Paco Dennis (Nov 1, 2021)

@Kaila Thanks for the post. I have done most all of those things and sometimes they work, and sometimes they don't.

I come down where you have said "_I surely do not have the answer." _


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## Paco Dennis (Nov 1, 2021)

palides2021 said:


> Getting into arguments is a normal part of relationships. Now how to get out of them is tricky. I think sometimes you do need to walk away until the other person cools off (or you cool off). Give yourself time to reflect on the conversation. It's very important to resolve the issue soon so it doesn't fester and go into the next day and the next. Forgiving and asking for forgiveness is also important. Saying a simple "I'm sorry" and then explaining your view point without blaming them goes a long way. Flowers are also a nice gesture. Anything to show that you love that person. That's my two bits. Hope it helped!



I think the longest we have been mad and separated from each other has been a day. Then we are a team again. Maybe it just goes with the territory.


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## Kaila (Nov 1, 2021)

*If *it is happening _more_ often, *lately*,
then perhaps either (or both) person's symptoms are worsening, and those could be addressed more directly, in some way?

Or sometimes even just _labeling _a cause such as that one, that's partially responsible, such as.... someone is feeling more ill, or struggling more, or in greater pain, or getting less sleep,
...Just labelling it, and being aware, can help to shift the effects on both people, and responses.

I also wondered, again _*if* it's happening *more* recently, 
then might the S.A.D. effects of sharply shortening daylight hours and less direct sunlight, could be making it worse?

Again, I find it's helpful to be aware of additional stressors that might be involved.  _


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## bingo (Nov 1, 2021)

Begging...groveling.....if in the wrong...no excuses  for wrong...just beg...
or make good brownies


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## Gary O' (Nov 1, 2021)

Paco Dennis said:


> I think the longest we have been mad and separated from each other has been a day. Then we are a team again. Maybe it just goes with the territory.


Ours lasts about 2 hrs max
We both hate it so much.....but it happens
Not often, maybe once ever six months
Over pretty stupid issues

I can't function after our set-tos
We pretty much stay away from each other for awhile
The shop just turns into a place to sulk
I don't sulk, so I hammer things, like the shop bench
My shop benches are quite stout
Then I go chop wood or lift weights

It's pretty cool when we patch things up
Lotsa laughter
Lotsa good stuff


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## Giants fan1954 (Nov 1, 2021)

What's wrong with being The Bickersons?

I have several friends that "carp" at each other constantly!!!


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## mellowyellow (Nov 1, 2021)

Thankfully, we get more sense as we age but I’m noticing that the younger generation’s arguments have changed.  When an argument starts, it’s not uncommon for some women to lash out physically first with a slap/punch/push and then all hell breaks loose. Maybe it’s the new age of women fighting back but it’s a dangerous tactic IMO.


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## Pinky (Nov 1, 2021)

Neither I, nor my s/o have anger issues. We live a very serene life. Perhaps it seems boring to others, but, it works for us.


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## Mr. Ed (Nov 1, 2021)

Yes it's hard to convince the other is wrong. Seriously, we don't argue, but we may disagree. Neither of us want to control a situation, we care too much about each to cause humiliation or pain. My wife is my best friend and you don't hurt best friend.


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## Lewkat (Nov 1, 2021)

Gary O' said:


> Ours lasts about 2 hrs max
> We both hate it so much.....but it happens
> Not often, maybe once ever six months
> Over pretty stupid issues
> ...


Healthiest reply here yet.


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## mrstime (Nov 1, 2021)

I find the older we get and the longer we are married 64 years now, I tend to ask if it is worth fighting about. Most of the time it isn't.


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## Devi (Nov 1, 2021)

We don't tend to fight at all. _Maybe_ once every five or so years, and then only because we let ourselves get too hungry (or, as they call it, "hangry" — hungry + angry). Anyway, we're incredibly compatible, tend to think alike on many things, and neither of us wants to hurt the other.

It helps if you're not one of those people who just _must_ be right at all costs. As I always say, "You're only right when you're right."


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## Gaer (Nov 2, 2021)

It only takes one second to change the thought from your mind, to feel peace in your body, to let the eyes soften. the heart feel love again.
Why would you want to spend even a moment in anger and pain when you can change the way you think and feel into happiness?


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## grahamg (Nov 2, 2021)

palides2021 said:


> Getting into arguments is a normal part of relationships. Now how to get out of them is tricky. I think sometimes you do need to walk away until the other person cools off (or you cool off). Give yourself time to reflect on the conversation. It's very important to resolve the issue soon so it doesn't fester and go into the next day and the next. Forgiving and asking for forgiveness is also important. Saying a simple "I'm sorry" and then explaining your view point without blaming them goes a long way. Flowers are also a nice gesture. Anything to show that you love that person. That's my two bits. Hope it helped!


It can be quite confusing though, notwithstanding your excellent comments, because they say don't they "Love means not saying sorry", (from "Love Story", was it, with Ali McGraw and Ryan O'Neil?).


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## palides2021 (Nov 2, 2021)

grahamg said:


> It can be quite confusing though, notwithstanding your excellent comments, because they say don't they "Love means not saying sorry", (from "Love Story", was it, with Ali McGraw and Ryan O'Neil?).


I wish that were true, but that's an ideal saying. Real life is another matter.
Saying "I'm sorry" opens the door to communication, if that makes sense. It means you're willing to talk.


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## grahamg (Nov 2, 2021)

palides2021 said:


> I wish that were true, but that's an ideal saying. Real life is another matter.
> Saying "I'm sorry" opens the door to communication, if that makes sense. It means you're willing to talk.


"Love Story" NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!!, (you're saying?????)

Of course, of course, somewhere along the line since aged twenty one "with my first girlfriend", when we walked out of the picture house believing we'd watching the greatest love picture ever made, and when I saw the movie again aged fifty, I did realise it was an incy bit corny!


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## grahamg (Nov 6, 2021)




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## squatting dog (Nov 27, 2021)

Gaer said:


> It only takes one second to change the thought from your mind, to feel peace in your body, to let the eyes soften. the heart feel love again.
> Why would you want to spend even a moment in anger and pain when you can change the way you think and feel into happiness?


Indeed, and, along those lines......
 If you see a married couple still in love through the years, you may think how lucky they are.  But in marital relations, there's no such thing as luck. They made many compromises, they overlooked each others faults.  They forgave many mistakes & endured many problems.  They spent years learning to understand one another. There will always be small disagreements.  Love has never been a matter of luck.  It's mutual giving, compromise, shared dreams, care, respect, mercy & patience.


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## Gary O' (Nov 27, 2021)

squatting dog said:


> If you see a married couple still in love through the years, you may think how lucky they are. But in marital relations, there's no such thing as luck.


Hear Hear

Profound words, pard.


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## Smiley Holly (Nov 27, 2021)

Of course my husband and I have arguments. I met my husband in 2007 and we were married in 2011. So we have been married for 10 years now. Someone stated above that arguments are part of any relationship and this is 100% true. My husband and I though when we have arguments resolve to never take the argument to bed with us at night. We need to communicate with each other at least some sort of resolve of the argument before going to bed. For 10 years we have been doing this and not only has it worked , but it has kept our communication channels opened and flowing even when we disagree sometimes with things. We are partners in the end and we need to communicate and work together as partners. Not only when everything is going wonderful, but also when things are in disagreement. Also when we resolve and make up it makes for a much better time.


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## caroln (Nov 27, 2021)

My mom gave me the best advice when I got married.  She said (not sure of the exact wording here), decide how important it is to you before you fight about it.  In other words, pick your battles!  My husband and I bicker a lot, but very few large arguments.  When we do fight, it's usually over fairly soon as we just walk away from each other for a few hours.


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## grahamg (Nov 27, 2021)

Smiley Holly said:


> Of course my husband and I have arguments. I met my husband in 2007 and we were married in 2011. So we have been married for 10 years now. Someone stated above that arguments are part of any relationship and this is 100% true. My husband and I though when we have arguments resolve to never take the argument to bed with us at night. We need to communicate with each other at least some sort of resolve of the argument before going to bed. For 10 years we have been doing this and not only has it worked , but it has kept our communication channels opened and flowing even when we disagree sometimes with things. We are partners in the end and we need to communicate and work together as partners. Not only when everything is going wonderful, but also when things are in disagreement. Also when we resolve and make up it makes for a much better time.


I like the way you've described dealing with differences of opinion, and yet avoiding harping on about them I guess, (so they can be "put to bed"!  ).


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## Sassycakes (Nov 27, 2021)

My husband and I argue a lot about him doing too much. He has a lot of medical conditions. Last week I finally asked my daughter who is an RN to talk to him. she did and now we are going to have to find another issue to argue about. (she even put a tracker on his cell phone)


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## Ronni (Nov 27, 2021)

@Paco Dennis my impression is that you’ve
b een together a long time … or at least long enough to have some predictability In the way you and your partner will respond to and resolve conflict. And so my impression is that this behavior you describe is new, or different. Is that the case? 

If it is, then I would be concerned about an underlying cause not related to the issue being argued about. And if it’s not different then I’d be curious why you’re just now finding it intolerable or at least annoying enough to bring it up here?


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## grahamg (Nov 27, 2021)

Sassycakes said:


> My husband and I argue a lot about him doing too much. He has a lot of medical conditions. Last week I finally asked my daughter who is an RN to talk to him. she did and now we are going to have to find another issue to argue about. (she even put a tracker on his cell phone)


Doing too much can be a very ligitimate concern, and as you suggest, if warnings are not heeded it can lead to serious health failings.
On the other hand I know of one very unfortunate case where accusations someone was "doing too much" were simply made to undermine the person referred to, essentially telling them and anyone foolish enough to be taken in, that "they were not capable of making their own decisions"!


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## caroln (Nov 28, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Doing too much can be a very ligitimate concern, and as you suggest, if warnings are not heeded it can lead to serious health failings.
> On the other hand I know of one very unfortunate case where accusations someone was "doing too much" were simply made to undermine the person referred to, essentially telling them and anyone foolish enough to be taken in, that "they were not capable of making their own decisions"!


Uh oh, I can see where *that* was leading....


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## grahamg (Nov 28, 2021)

caroln said:


> Uh oh, I can see where *that* was leading....


Not sure I understand you, (I intended my comments to be oblique/obscure, but maybe you assessed I was talking of myself?).
Were you thinking I was about to take the discussion down the "fathers rights", rabbit hole, (no, not this one!)?


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## caroln (Nov 28, 2021)

caroln said:


> Uh oh, I can see where *that* was leading....





grahamg said:


> Not sure I understand you, (I intended my comments to be oblique/obscure, but maybe you assessed I was talking of myself?).
> Were you thinking I was about to take the discussion down the "fathers rights", rabbit hole, (no, not this one!)?


Oh, no, not at all! I was thinking that the person who was inferring that someone was incapable of making their own decisions was eventually going to get them declared incompetent and take over their finances or something.  I wasn't referring to you...why would you think that???


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## grahamg (Nov 28, 2021)

caroln said:


> Oh, no, not at all! I was thinking that the person who was inferring that someone was incapable of making their own decisions was eventually going to get them declared incompetent and take over their finances or something.  I wasn't referring to you...why would you think that???


Ahem, well I am a bit guilty of the charge, "You're taking the thread off topic, towards my old hobby horse of fathers/parents rights, etc., (cue red face!)!


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## caroln (Nov 28, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Ahem, well I am a bit guilty of the charge, "You're taking the thread off topic, towards my old hobby horse of fathers/parents rights, etc., (cue red face!)!


No, you're fine Graham.  I guess my comment was a bit cryptic. Actually, I haven't been on this forum long enough to know about any of your (or anyone's) "old hobby horses". I'm rather new here, but learning about what subjects not to get into!


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## grahamg (Nov 28, 2021)

caroln said:


> No, you're fine Graham.  I guess my comment was a bit cryptic. Actually, I haven't been on this forum long enough to know about any of your (or anyone's) "old hobby horses". I'm rather new here, but learning about what subjects not to get into!


I hope you choose to comment upon whatever thread topic I come up with next, (I once posted one saying something like "This is a thread about nothing at all", (or something stupid like that), and one kind forum member eventually responded and got it going!

Watch out for "gratuitous sarcasm", (if such a thing exists?), and all kinds of tomfoolery!!!!!!


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## Sassycakes (Nov 28, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Doing too much can be a very ligitimate concern, and as you suggest, if warnings are not heeded it can lead to serious health failings.
> On the other hand I know of one very unfortunate case where accusations someone was "doing too much" were simply made to undermine the person referred to, essentially telling them and anyone foolish enough to be taken in, that "they were not capable of making their own decisions"!


 I would love for him to be able to do more things,but his health is very important to me.


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