# Feeling hurt and ignored



## Bettyann (Feb 6, 2016)

Whenever we have a birthday, etc, in the family (my daughter and her married children) or holidays, I know I will always be invited. I don't drive so someone always has to come to pick me up and then take me home again... This usually involves about a 15 mile round trip...They know I am grateful for this and never ever neglect thanking them for this extra work.

I know they love me, but it seems like they just leave me out of things. The girls (my dau and two grdaus) and I usually get together at least once a month when they take me out to bkfst or lunch. I genuinely appreciate it... but so often they get together (they all live closer to each other) and never invite me. When they go out shopping together they never invite me.

Sometimes I hate texting. I get texts from them (not every day so I make the effort) I so miss the old fashioned PHONE CALLS... I know everyone is very busy... Sometimes days will go by and I don't even get a text.

I was really hurt when I found out they were all getting together for a Super Bowl party and watch the game... and never thought of inviting me. 
We all DO get along... I just wish they would pay more attention. Do I sound unreasonable? I know this pales in comparison with the hurt many people go through via their families... Its just that we all used to be SO CLOSE and do so many things together... I would take them on vacations, etc... Maybe its just 'old age' that is making me more sensitive and 'feel sorry for myself.' 

Ok, enuf already. I'm afraid of talking to them about the way I feel for fear they will take offense. Any ideas anyone? Thanks for 'listening' to me.
Betty


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## jujube (Feb 6, 2016)

We're listening, Bettyann.  I wish I had some bit of wisdom to pass on about this, but I think a lot of us are in the same position.  I know our kids love us, but we don't have a lot of relevance in their everyday lives.   But, boy, let them need something and shazaam! we're on speed-dial.


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## debbie in seattle (Feb 6, 2016)

While this isn't related to immediate family, my husbands family pulls the same stuff.    The 3 sisters plan and "assume" everyone else knows (13 siblings).   Been putting up with it for 40 years and still thinks it's rude.    Talk to your kids/grandkids and see what they have to say.   Perhaps they assume you're not interested or something.   

As far as the texting, you're not alone.   Seems to be the 'in' thing nowadays.    How nice it would be to get a real phone call.


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## debbie in seattle (Feb 6, 2016)

jujube said:


> We're listening, Bettyann.  I wish I had some bit of wisdom to pass on about this, but I think a lot of us are in the same position.  I know our kids love us, but we don't have a lot of relevance in their everyday lives.   But, boy, let them need something and shazaam! we're on speed-dial.



Well said!


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## FazeFour (Feb 6, 2016)

debbie in seattle said:


> Talk to your kids/grandkids and see what they have to say.   Perhaps they assume you're not interested or something.



That's what I was thinking as well. I doubt you'll hurt their feelings...might make them feel badly for not inviting you, but their feelings won't be hurt. That said, I urge you to try to get over feeling left out. I know my kids and grandkids are busy, and enjoy their *outside* friendships, and I also know they love me and think of me often. I like that old saying; if you love them, let them go. Chances are they won't go too far or for too awfully long.


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## tnthomas (Feb 6, 2016)

Bettyann,   

 Try not to feel bad, it's pretty common that young folks are busy with their lives, but they do love you, nonetheless.        Try not to be hurt, just be yourself and live your life for its best.


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## SeaBreeze (Feb 6, 2016)

Bettyann said:


> Sometimes I hate texting. I get texts from them (not every day so I make the effort) I so miss the old fashioned PHONE CALLS... I know everyone is very busy... Sometimes days will go by and I don't even get a text.
> 
> I was really hurt when I found out they were all getting together for a Super Bowl party and watch the game... and never thought of inviting me.
> We all DO get along... I just wish they would pay more attention. Do I sound unreasonable? I know this pales in comparison with the hurt many people go through via their families... Its just that we all used to be SO CLOSE and do so many things together... I would take them on vacations, etc... Maybe its just 'old age' that is making me more sensitive and 'feel sorry for myself.'
> ...



Hi Bettyann, so good to see you again.  I'm sorry this is happening to you, but like Thomas said, many times the younger folks are too wrapped up in their own daily lives and happenings to think of others.  I was guilty of that myself when I was younger and my mother was still alive, I moved out of state and rarely even called her, maybe a couple of times a year, sent some cards with short notes in them, but didn't give her the attention she so deserved.  Luckily before she passed I was able to apologize for some things and let her know how much I really loved her.

My heart goes out to you, all I can say is try not to feel too hurt by it, I don't think it's being done with any malice at all.  At least you're involved in some other family activities, so it's not as bad as it could be.  Things change and are not always like they were in the past unfortunately, please don't let it get you down.  You can always talk to us here too if you're ever feeling lonely....hugs.


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## Linda (Feb 6, 2016)

Betty is there any way you can move closer to them so it'd be easier to get involved in their lives?  I'm sure they don't mean to hurt your feelings.  I personally wouldn't talk to them about it or every time they invited me I'd be wondering if it was because I said something about it.  I'd probably just speak up from time to time, like with the Superbowl party and say "Hey, that Superbowl Party sounds fun!"  "I make a really good 7 layer dip in the shape of a football! "  Even if the parties already over, just let them know it sounded fun.


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## Bettyann (Feb 6, 2016)

Oh my goodness...THANK YOU for all the wonderful responses! You really make me feel GOOD!  I really do know 'all is well' ... and just had a rough day... all of you said 'just the right things.' I am so grateful. Love to you all.


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## jujube (Feb 6, 2016)

Love back'atcha, Bets.


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## Babsinbloom65 (Feb 7, 2016)

Bettyann said:


> Oh my goodness...THANK YOU for all the wonderful responses! You really make me feel GOOD!  I really do know 'all is well' ... and just had a rough day... all of you said 'just the right things.' I am so grateful. Love to you all.



Bettyann, my husband and I are finding the same thing happening with our children. We are invited to all the things the grandkids are involved in, and have Thanksgving and Christmas together usually. But they often get together to just do their own thing with each other and we don't find out about it until it is over and done with it. Since we were always so close and doing things together in the past this "change" has hurt my feelings too. But after thinking about things I realized they are not ignoring us, not mad at us for any reason, etc. Our lives are all at different stages now, and our young ones want to enjoy their very limited free time with those who they can identify with and who they share common interests with. Most of us probably did the same thing when we were their age. I feel for my kids, they are so busy trying to have it all...that they don't even have time to "stop and smell the roses"...but this seems to be the way of the world now. If you are missing them because you feel you hardly have time with them anymore maybe you could think of some ways you could spent more time with them. Like asking them to lunch or a movie, etc. Our if you have a place that's big enough for all of them, invite them over to your place for a meal, etc.


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## Bluecheese50 (Feb 7, 2016)

Bettyann said:


> Whenever we have a birthday, etc, in the family (my daughter and her married children) or holidays, I know I will always be invited. I don't drive so someone always has to come to pick me up and then take me home again... This usually involves about a 15 mile round trip...They know I am grateful for this and never ever neglect thanking them for this extra work.
> 
> I know they love me, but it seems like they just leave me out of things. The girls (my dau and two grdaus) and I usually get together at least once a month when they take me out to bkfst or lunch. I genuinely appreciate it... but so often they get together (they all live closer to each other) and never invite me. When they go out shopping together they never invite me.
> 
> ...



They no doubt lead busy lives and as you live at a distance they can't include you all the time, why should they? They take you out once a month, what more do you want?


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## GeorgiaXplant (Feb 7, 2016)

Bluecheese, you have a way of saying things that often comes off as being unkind.

Bettyann, I agree with those who say they probably thought it was something that just wouldn't interest you. I feel excluded from things sometimes but try to put myself in my kids' shoes. There are some things that they do that really wouldn't interest me and sometimes things that they are probably convinced wouldn't. I try not to get my feelings hurt (not always easy).

I just had a really funny mental picture of a bunch of us oldsters at our own Super Bowl party, maybe celebrating by eating chocolate-flavored pablum and drinking prune juice cocktails?...use your imagination. LOL


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## Bluecheese50 (Feb 7, 2016)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> Bluecheese, you have a way of saying things that often comes off as being unkind.
> 
> Bettyann, I agree with those who say they probably thought it was something that just wouldn't interest you. I feel excluded from things sometimes but try to put myself in my kids' shoes. There are some things that they do that really wouldn't interest me and sometimes things that they are probably convinced wouldn't. I try not to get my feelings hurt (not always easy).
> 
> I just had a really funny mental picture of a bunch of us oldsters at our own Super Bowl party, maybe celebrating by eating chocolate-flavored pablum and drinking prune juice cocktails?...use your imagination. LOL



I don't wrap things up if that is what you mean. I think the poster is being unreasonable!


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## jujube (Feb 7, 2016)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> I just had a really funny mental picture of a bunch of us oldsters at our own Super Bowl party, maybe celebrating by eating chocolate-flavored pablum and drinking prune juice cocktails?...use your imagination. LOL



Oooh, oooh, can I come?


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## nitelite (Feb 11, 2016)

jujube said:


> We're listening, Bettyann.  I wish I had some bit of wisdom to pass on about this, but I think a lot of us are in the same position.  I know our kids love us, but we don't have a lot of relevance in their everyday lives.   But, boy, let them need something and shazaam! we're on speed-dial.



So true jujube, seems to be the norm with many senior people I talk to.


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## vickyNightowl (Feb 11, 2016)

My mom passed away when I was 7.

Reading about your pain is upsetting.

You should voice your feelings.


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## Lethe200 (Feb 19, 2016)

When I read your thread, my first question is, how fair are you being to them? I ask this because I'm seeing it from 'the other side.' My DH is an only child, and my MIL thought the world rose and set with him. She would have loved to see him every day, but we usually only made it over once a week. 

Even that was hard, when we were working. We both worked, he had a 3-hr round-trip commute every day; I had a job I loved but 50-60 hrs a week were standard. And there was my family to see as well, located on the opposite side of the Bay across a major bridge. Just seeing old friends more than once or twice a year was a challenge! 

She didn't understand that our work was not just a job, counting time to qualify for a pension. It was a career in our eyes: difficult, frustrating, challenging, rewarding, but exhausting. We only had so much "social time" in us. 'Zoning out' to sleep late, go out together for a tête-à-tête brunch, relaxing in a comfy chair with a good book we'd been waiting for weeks to have time to read - those were wonderful indulgences that kept us going. "Me time", I guess you'd call it.

Even when MIL came to live with us, 'togetherness' remained difficult. She wanted to be around us but had no interest or knowledge about anything we and our friends would talk about. Didn't matter if it was politics, metaphysics, the newest TV shows or movies or books (heavy emphasis on sci-fi/fantasy/mystery/paranormal). It was a universe away from her TV diet of Lawrence Welk reruns and Jeopardy game shows (no books, she never read one).

Our friends are well-mannered. Nobody wanted her to be ignored, but she couldn't join in any conversation for long. She had no idea what we were talking about. It was an uphill slog, and everybody felt awkward about it. Everyone liked her - she's a very likable person - but when friends get together, it just isn't normal for somebody to show up with an older parent in tow....at least, not where we live. 

I will also say much depends on your own attitudes. You can't force it, but if you are genuinely interested in the same things, you'll have something in common with someone else, even if you aren't the same age. In fact, our best friends over the past four years is a couple who are a full 25 yrs younger than we are.

We don't game, for instance, so discussions on World of Warcraft or Game of Thrones have zip interest for us. But if you want to discuss Syfy's "Haven" or any movie from Marvel Studios, we're right there ! Like Ethiopian or Korean food? Woo-hoo, let's set up a date next week to hit that new place that opened! Or would you rather go wine-tasting - we could hit the Russian River wine trail and have dinner at that new bistro? And sure, we'll watch your cats while you go on vacation, no problem; just leave your vet's phone #.

Our lives in retirement is just as full as our working lives were. We see our friends and family whenever we can, and are grateful for those good memories. But we also know it's important to keep making new friends, because a good social network IS important. We like our 'alone time' but always remind ourselves that reaching out to others is meaningful, too.

It's important not to be dependent upon others for happiness. I'm a strong believer that happiness comes from within. We took the time and effort to make friends out of the 'usual', and enjoy the results. As retirees, we really appreciate how much time we now have, compared to when we were younger and still working. 

In a way, it's a gift we can give our family and friends. They're more constrained in their schedules, with many demands on their time. We can say, "Any time you're free - but only if you feel like it!"


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## jnos (Feb 19, 2016)

Having been mutually involved in nearly every area of my dtr's life for 20 years, I had to cut it off. It's not that I'm too busy, just can't deal with all the hullabaloo anymore. My priorities have changed a lot over the past few years. Thinking I likely have a "good" twelve years left to be here, I'm figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life.


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