# No invite to wedding



## Kadee (Dec 4, 2014)

Thought I would ask for advise about a grandaughter I'm very disappointed in to say the least.
The grandaughter in question is my eldest grandaughter, I was told by her sister she is getting married but my hubby and I are not getting invited, I'm stunned she has not lived with her mother my daughter since she was about 16 and has rarely spoken to her mother since due to mother drinking at times and getting what I call out of control. 
I have never drank and have always supported my grandaughter in her decision not to be in contact with her mother under the circumstances. My daughter has taken control of her life and very rarely drinks now days.

I have always made an effort to be in contact with g/d despite living 200 km from her I would make arrangements to see her for her birthdays and always gave her money for birthdays, last b/d her 21st I gave her $200 I also gave her games teddies and little mementos from her baby days I had kept as well as photos with the teddies. The teddies were white and mine not toys ,they were about the size of a one year old and she was not allowed to play with them but she would and just laugh and pick them up despite knowing she was not allowed to play with them. 

Anyway we are not getting invited, no idea why not??? I could go to her work place and make a fuss but that's not me I prefer to say it would be nice to know why??? 
The thing is also we hubby and I ,who is her pop but he is my second hubby so he's not her mothers father but still her pop 
We had a lot of time for her and had in turn had our will made out with her receiving the most share  of our will 

My reactions when I was told by her sister was disappointed but I did rightly or wrongly say to the sister please tell her I hope she dose not regret her decision one day with our wills in mind, which of course we are now in the process of changing and leaving her nothing of our estate not that we have allot but we own our fairly new home and have a little savings 
I say never mind but just don't understsnd Why?..she would invite people she throughly dislikes and leave us out


----------



## Lee (Dec 4, 2014)

It's a shame but this type of thing happens frequently these days. Why not just ask your grandaughter why you are left out. She is the one with the answers.

Could be a reason, maybe just a very small wedding, or maybe she feels it would not be right to invite you and not her mother. Or it could be that you would be the only older people there as the rest of the guests are younger and she might feel that you would be uncomfortable. But you have to ask her to have peace of mind.

Using a will as enticement for an invite probably will not work, might just have the opposite effect and put a permanent rift between you. Just do it if that is your wish and let it be a surprise down the road.


----------



## Kadee (Dec 4, 2014)

No not having older people there is not the reason, my daughter married her father who came from Vietnam and all of that side of the family including her fathers now wife who she dislikes, and grandparents who are older than us are all invited ( even tho I'm not on Facebook I know it's all on there) 
Oh I would never mention the will stuff that's all between hubby and I now one who knows us knows anything about that even when I said to her sister I dint mention anything about the will
With the other grandparents involved it won't be a small affair.i won't bother asking, she has not even invited her 9 year old sister who is disappointed I feel that's really unfair but that's her decision but it's cruel to do that to a child but she has invited her fathers other children The same age. I have my suspicions why but we will I'm sure find out one day


----------



## oldman (Dec 4, 2014)

I would have to know why. You are owed an explanation after the years of supporting her and recognizing her b'days and so on. If she does give you a reason, let it alone after that. You asked why and she told you and unless she is confused or has her facts wrong, the issue should be set aside. She has made her decision and that's that. I know it's very hurtful, but many of us have endured similar or like situations. But do ask.


----------



## Kadee (Dec 5, 2014)

Thanks, but I think I will just leave sleeping dogs lie so to speak, It her decision and if that makes her happy I just wish her the best.


----------



## GeorgiaXplant (Dec 5, 2014)

Kadee, that has to be very hurtful, and my heart breaks for you. I don't know what I'd do in your situation, but I do know that I'd want to find out why.


----------



## Kadee (Dec 5, 2014)

Thank you , I have my suspicions why and I think it maybe somthing to do with the other side of her family I know what went on when my daughter married her father the other side took control, my daughter was told they would pay for the wedding for them, they insisted even us give money which they collected. Money was used  to pay for wedding and food, venue . the grooms PARENTS CHOOSE WHO WAS INVITED VENUE , Food ETC NOT MY Daughter and SIL. MY duaghter and SIL received NOTHING  not a dollar ,so I'm hoping my G/D is not under the same impression she will get money from wedding if they have taken over like they did for my daughter . 99% of the food at the wedding was not food we eat so we had nothing to eat at wedding as we don't like that type of greasy fried foods ( I paid for dresses flowers etc but was dictated to by SIL mother on what colours were permited)
They even chose that the "party" finish at 10.30pm so the older people attending could go when tired


----------



## Debby (Dec 6, 2014)

I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt Kadee.  It sounds like you put a lot of love into your grand-daughters life and it's unfortunate that it's turned out like this.  Sometimes we expect our children to behave a certain way because we raised them (or at arms-length grandkids) and because we think it's the right way to behave, and then when they don't we're terribly disappointed.  

As I was reading through this thread, I was reminded of my mom.  In our family, we have learned over the years to be very careful on what we share with her.  While she has a strong as iron sense of duty and connection to family she is inclined to be the most negative person around.  My daughter just decided that she wants to upgrade her high school and then enter nursing school.  She's currently 31 years old and a receptionist in a doctors office.  Means an increase in pay, an ability to move away from living pay check to pay check, etc.  One would think that should make grandma very happy for her.  

After my daughter finished the call that had started out with a sense that grandma would be happy for her, she was left fighting an anxiety attack and a decision to cut back on talking to her grandmother because invariably she winds up feeling like crap.  My mom's 'worrying' for everyone and informing them of all the potential pitfalls has done absolutely nothing to endear her to the very ones that she is agonizing over and instead makes us want to avoid any kind of meaningful conversation.  Strictly weather and gardening is now the norm.

I'm not suggesting that this is exactly what's gone on for you because obviously I don't know you, but sometimes looking at what impacts other families might give a clue to what has happened in your own life.  I hope it works out for you and that somehow your pain is assuaged.


----------



## Blaze Duskdreamer (Dec 6, 2014)

I wouldn't take her sister's word for it but ask her directly if it is true.  If it is true, I'd ask her reasons why.  Maybe you'll understand why and it won't hurt as much, though, of course, it's going to hurt.  It sounds as if you have some suspicions of why not and that her reasons are very valid.  Hear her out and if you understand, show her that.  Invite her and hubby to dinner after the honeymoon as a way of keeping connected and relationships good between you and them.  I'm sorry to hear about this.  I can't imagine not being invited to either my daughter's or grandson's wedding.  It has to be painful.


----------



## Lon (Dec 6, 2014)

You will not be able to rest on this issue until you know the reason. ASK HER!


----------



## Kadee (Dec 6, 2014)

I'm 





Debby said:


> I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt Kadee.  It sounds like you put a lot of love into your grand-daughters life and it's unfortunate that it's turned out like this.  Sometimes we expect our children to behave a certain way because we raised them (or at arms-length grandkids) and because we think it's the right way to behave, and then when they don't we're terribly disappointed.
> 
> As I was reading through this thread, I was reminded of my mom.  In our family, we have learned over the years to be very careful on what we share with her.  While she has a strong as iron sense of duty and connection to family she is inclined to be the most negative person around.  My daughter just decided that she wants to upgrade her high school and then enter nursing school.  She's currently 31 years old and a receptionist in a doctors office.  Means an increase in pay, an ability to move away from living pay check to pay check, etc.  One would think that should make grandma very happy for her.
> 
> ...


I have always supported her and never been negative about her decisions she was studying to be a teacher and changed her mind and now studying accounting she works part time to partly fund her study but I will just leave it I hate any trouble and don't wish to disrupt her plans or life. I know where she lives ( her mother dose not know ) and she works in the city but I don't like being harassed and I don't want to put any pressure on her to tell me why because if she has a reason she may just lie to put me off anyway ( her mother says she is a two faced little bitch) I haven't seen that side but thinking about it she may be correct as I was told similar by another person who took her in when she left her mothers home at 16 but being your own you don't want to believe that sort of negative coments.
I'm more hert for her 9 year old sister who is not invited but her half sisters same age are don't make sense to to treat a child like that we know this for fact as she was bragging / laughing on Facebook about not inviting her side of the family but no reason just being smart I think 
Thanks all for your advise much appreciated


----------



## Debby (Dec 6, 2014)

Well then Kadee, sounds like you have the misfortune to have spent a lot of love and effort on someone who was never going to return that consideration to you. You're a lot better grandma than she is a grand daughter.  It must hurt your feelings a lot though huh?  Sure sorry to hear but you know it's like I've always said ' you pick your friends but family is what you're sometimes stuck with'.


----------



## Kadee (Dec 6, 2014)

Yes I agree thanks when she was young and even when I gave her all that stuff for her 21 I also gave her a jar of apricot jam I had made because when she little she would say to me instead of asking straight out for a jar of jam , !Nanna that apricot jam in the shop is yucky it put a big smile on her face when I gave the jar to her when we arranged to meet her a go out for tea when we were in the city for for her 21st 
It's stange she has invited her father, considering he never paid any maintance for her and her sister he  sees her frequently at work and asks her for money as she works in a casino and it's his second home so to speak 
I am as mentioned disappointed for her younger sister who said to me what have I done to her Nanna??? 
All little girls like to be in or go to a wedding, I personally think that stinks 
I have always said that to you can pick your friends thank goodness


----------



## Debby (Dec 7, 2014)

Kadee, an important phrase and action for you to learn whenever something doesn't work out or you are disappointed:  "it is what it is" and then move on. That's all you can ultimately do and practising it regularly will absolutely help you learn to step away from the pain.  I say it all the time and I used to be an expert at worrying, fretting and rethinking every rotten conversation I ever had.  But I'm finally getting better at not picking up other peoples baggage.

Good luck and enjoy your younger granddaughter.


----------



## GeorgiaXplant (Dec 7, 2014)

Does younger granddaughter live nearby? Maybe you and she could plan a special outing on that day to include lunch and/or dinner or tea, maybe some shopping, sightseeing to places she hasn't been.


----------



## Kadee (Dec 7, 2014)

Thanks that's great advise from both of you , no she lives in Adelaide about two hours from me but we have been planning a trip to the open range zoo about 80 km the other side of Adelaide where we took the one who is getting married when she was young and been promising to take the 9 year old so we will make a special outing for her 
Thanks everyone big hugs for all the advise


----------



## jujube (Dec 8, 2014)

I didn't get invited to my daughter's second wedding.  She called me the next morning and said "Oh, we got married yesterday at the court house on our lunch hour."  Oh, well.  We took them out for a celebratory dinner that night.  It was a heck of a lot cheaper than her FIRST wedding, which I had barely paid off before she got divorced.


----------

