# My Dad Stalks me Online



## ronk (Dec 18, 2018)

I recently got into a confrontation with my Dad on Facebook. That incident capsulized our painful lifetime relationship. My Dad was physically and emotionally abusive. The physical abuse stopped when I was 16 and able to push him away. The emotional abuse continues. Dad is 91. My mother suffered numerous emotional challenges, and had to go to a hospital for treatment almost every year till I was 16. She had a huge "breakdown," and was taken away. My parents divorced soon after. 

My Dad follows me on Facebook and YouTube. I haven't done much on YouTube in recent years. I have a very small following on Facebook. I try to keep things positive, but sometimes I vent. Dad sometimes comments on my posts. Dad says my depression and stress are excuses to act badly. He asks me to do things I don't want or can't do, and lashes out when I don't do them. Recently my brother had to leave our apartment building and move to a nursing home. Dad told me to settle my brother's affairs, and try to sell my brother's air conditioner. I told Dad I was extremely stressed, and unable to handle even my own affairs.

All of this came to a head the other day, thanks to a Facebook post. I said that I hadn't heard from my Dad for a month. I said it's probably because he didn't need me any more since my brother has settled into his new home. Dad got angry and posted that I was lying about his family. I posted that I had bought a bottle of Fireball Whisky and drank the whole bottle. I got massively drunk, sick and blacked out. Dad accused me of being an alcoholic, etc. Frankly I am shocked that he would post such stuff, publicly, on Facebook.

As the fight continued, one of my cousins started posting. She posted "neutral" responses. They didn't appear to support either me or Dad. I finally told Dad I was tired of arguing, and "un-friended" him on Facebook. For now, I believe the best thing is to keep a distance, and not interact.


----------



## terry123 (Dec 18, 2018)

Why would you post about getting drunk on FB or anything else so personal? Of course its best to keep a distance and do not engage. When people show you who they are, believe them! I cannot believe what people post on FB and then get upset with the responses!  I have a niece who posts her business and personal comings and goings on FB.  I tell her she is going to come home one day and find herself robbed of everything!. I have a FB page but keep it to follow high school friends who I have not got to see since high school and college.  I enjoy seeing their pics of their "grands"and new pics of my own "grands".  Stay away from toxic people, even of they are family!


----------



## applecruncher (Dec 18, 2018)

I don't understand why you're interacting with your Dad.  He has caused you nothing but pain and heartache. He will NOT change. Carrying on a fight on Facebook is stupid and a waste of time.  You don't have to read his posts. BLOCK/UNFRIEND HIM so he can't read what you wrote. Stop commenting about him. Stop responding to him.

And posting on Facebook about getting drunk isn't really smart either. 

Are you a glutton for punishment??!!  Do you like negativity and drama? You're creating your own problems.

You might consider professional counseling. Good luck.


----------



## ronk (Dec 19, 2018)

My Dad is sometimes unpredictably generous. Recently I mentioned on Facebook that my microwave had died, and posted a link to a new microwave I intended to buy. Dad bought the microwave for me. One time I said I wanted to get a TV for the bedroom so I could watch TV and fall asleep. He bought me a TV for the bedroom. Sometimes he "figuratively" kicks me in the groin, and sometimes he spends a lot of money on me. He's my Dad. Sometimes he can be a real nice guy. I know he's 91, and I just don't know how much time we have left. Dad paid for me to move back to Minnesota so I could be near family again. Within a year, Dad was unable to travel the 60 mile round trip to visit me and my brother. Just this year my brother had to move away so he could get the proper nursing home care.

I have posted some crazy stuff on Facebook. I don't post as much of my personal business as I once did. I've been treated by psychiatrists and counsellors over the past few decades. I'm on antidepressants etc. I get treatment for sleep apnea. It's harder for me to get proper medical and psychiatric care now because I'm so far from Minneapolis & St Paul. I live in a small town. Sometimes my clinic wants to send me away to another city or town for a referral. I don't have a car, and the bus won't go that far, etc.


----------



## kburra (Dec 19, 2018)

To get some of the angst out of your life, delete (for a start) your Facebook account!!


----------



## hollydolly (Dec 19, 2018)

Get the heck off Facebook...!!!


----------



## ronk (Dec 19, 2018)

I've vastly reduced my online presence. I don't make any more YouTube videos. I only use Facebook to connect with a few friends, and some new relatives I discovered while working on the Ancestry web site.


----------



## hollydolly (Dec 19, 2018)

ronknights said:


> I've vastly reduced my online presence. I don't make any more YouTube videos. I only use Facebook to connect with a few friends, and some new relatives I discovered while working on the Ancestry web site.



Ron, if you can't leave FB for whatever reason, and it sounds like you're dad is probably at his ripe old age genuinely caring for your wellbeing,  but it's upsetting you.

How about you speak to him and explain you can't have him upsetting you in front of friends, and you had no choice, and you'll only speak to him in person of by phone? 

However Ron...I'm going to be blunt here... if you're still acting like  stroppy teenager, and causing your old dad upset and worry by making posts about drinking a whole bottle of alcohol, and accepting gifts from him when it suits you... you need to really start growing up. Sorry I don't mean to cause you upset, but it seems to me you're creating half of this angst yourself and a 91 year old man doesn't need to be still supporting you, only to have you throw a tantrum when he disagrees with your comments in public.!! I can tell by your post that you care for him and he for you, so this ridiculous behaviour has surely got to stop!! let an old man live his life out in peace ..and you too...


----------



## ronk (Dec 19, 2018)

hollydolly you're really off-base here. I don't ask my Dad to support me financially or emotionally. Dad only spends money when he wants to. Dad doesn't show caring. He ignores me when I speak about my difficulties. If he wants me to do something, he will not accept anything but "yes." I've actually done a great deal for my Dad. I've provided tech support for decades, even though he mostly fights me or ignores my advice. When I help him, he actually makes things incredibly difficult. Even when I succeed in helping him, he's likely to say later that I screwed things up. Over the last 18+ years I set out to get married, dealt with a divorce, rebuilt my life. I didn't ask Dad for money. I knew not to ask for emotional support.


----------



## hollydolly (Dec 19, 2018)

I was just going by what you said yourself in that ''he can be unpredictably generous'' when you've mentioned that you need something ...

However Ron...I'm  sorry you suffered the abuse you did as a child, truly sorry, I went through the same thing, and my mother died due to the abuse of my father after having several breakdowns...so I do really feel for you. I  cut my father completely out of my life after my mother died!!

For you, I feel that you did best to block your father on FB if it's causing you angst... and just get on with your life, as best as you can being a victim of child abuse is always going to leave deep scars and at this time in your life you don't need those old scars continually reopened ..


----------



## applecruncher (Dec 19, 2018)

Ron, re: microwave & TV I'm guessing he has thrown that in your face. I'm also guessing (since it appears he has resources) he's using his estate as a weapon.

Your father is an abusive, manipulative, controlling old man who likes to cause stress for others. He resents the happiness and peaceful lives of others.  He will NOT change.

My father was similar and he also used religion to beat people over the head. Most outsiders thought he was great, but he was miserable most of his life (88 yrs). My siblings and I periodically distanced ourselves from him for long periods of time in order to keep our sanity and I don't regret it for a minute.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Dec 19, 2018)

ronknights said:


> I recently got into a confrontation with my Dad on Facebook.
> 
> All of this came to a head the other day, thanks to a Facebook post. I said that I hadn't heard from my Dad for a month. I said it's probably because he didn't need me any more since my brother has settled into his new home. Dad got angry and posted that I was lying about his family.



It sounds like your snarky comment about your father led to the confrontation you had, I'm sure as you were posting it you knew there would be some negative reaction on his part.  I personally think that any private family commentary like you had should be made in person or by phone, at best a private email.....not on a public social media site like Facebook.  

If you really drank a whole bottle of whiskey, it was a foolish move on your part, you should at least care more about your health than to do that.  If you just posted that to get a reaction from your dad, and you didn't drink all that whiskey, it's a childish thing to do.

I don't know if being on Facebook for you is a good thing, it seems to bring out negativity and not be helpful to your overall well-being.  Your father seems controlling, but honestly, you could stop that if you wanted to, but it appears you've been allowing it and letting his orders affect you in a bad way for a long time, instead of ignoring them.

  I suggest you give yourself a break from Facebook and your father, both seem to be hurtful for you and not very positive in your life.  Only you have the power to make some changes in your life and attitude about life, head toward the positive, it's for your own good.  Good luck, and take care of yourself.


----------



## ronk (Dec 19, 2018)

hollydolly, no worries. Thanks for the words of support. I express my feelings, dreams and interests online. I gained quite the following on YouTube with my videos. Then the bullies jumped in and I almost had a couple breakdowns. Eventually I felt irrelevant. Online personalities all too often fade away quickly. I was actually around maybe 4 years before I finally retired. Yes, I sometimes posted videos about stupid stuff. I did a couple "drunken haircut" videos. I cut my hair in front of the camera, and posted the videos. My Dad hated those, but many of my friends found the haircut videos hilarious.

I've lost some family members and never had the chance to say goodbye. I found out my mother died, a year after she died. She didn't always respond to my letters, for months at a time. I sent her a letter telling her I was married when I was 49. Her nursing home gave me the news, One brother got drunk, got on a bus, and travelled from Minnesota to California. He was lost on Skid Row for a couple years and almost died. He returned, totally devastated, in 1980. He was obviously an alcoholic and diabetic. He lost a leg to gangrene, and died in 1987. We'd had a fight because of the way he terrorized my mom during a visit. I hadn't spoken to him for a year before he died.

applecruncher, yet, you're right. Dad gave me lots of furniture when I first moved. I am so heavy that I broke some wooden chairs just sitting on them. I threw them out, and he harassed me for that. He gave me an office chair that he bought for $75. The hydraulic fluid ran out, and the chair kept sinking. I threw out the chair and bought another one. He complained about all the chairs I threw away. 

Dad bought me an iMac in 2014, for my birthday after I moved to MN. I convinced Dad that Macs are better than PCs. He bought a Mac for himself and struggled to learn how to use it. He came to me for help a few times, and wouldn't listen to much of my advice. Then he spent hundreds of dollars with one of those "blackmail" outfits that infect your computer then offer you tech support, etc.


----------



## ronk (Dec 19, 2018)

seabreeze, I share various aspects of my life with friends and relatives. Yes, at times, my choices have been wrong. It wasn't a large bottle of whisky. I couldn't afford the larger one. It's called Fireball whisky, and tastes like Atomic Fireball candy. The taste easily fooled me... it was almost like drinking soda. It took awhile for the full effect of the whisky to hit me. I honestly don't know how I got undressed, and got into bed. I woke up, slid out of bed, onto my butt, and slid on my back into the living room. It took a long time. It took a tremendous effort to stand up and get to the computer. I have never blacked out like that in my life. Part of me wanted to reach out to the Real Word just to assure myself I'd be ok. Yes, that was a foolish thing to do. But I won't continue to beat myself over it. I paid for my foolishness with sickness. I never used the whisky event as a dig to my Dad.

Facebook remains my last online refuge after I quit making YouTube videos. I maintain contact with some friends around the world. I've known them for around a decade. And I connected with a second cousin when I did an Ancestry DNA test. We may likely never meet in person. She lives in Hawaii and I live in Minnesota.

The best thing now is to maintain a distance from my Dad. We exchanged one email in the last month and a half. If we have an argument I usually bail out fast.


----------



## 911 (Dec 19, 2018)

I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but my guess would be that your dad is a manic depressive and you, I don’t know, but off hand, I would guess that you are suffering a few different psychosis’s. Stay on your medication.

I have known many people that were raised in a dysfunctional family and it continued well into their adulthood. Continued treatment and counseling would be my suggestion, but like I wrote earlier, I am not a professional person that deals with mental disorders.


----------



## Kitties (Dec 19, 2018)

ronknights, I'm really sorry. It sounds like the abuse you suffered has given you continued struggles. Your dad sounds toxic and no matter that he has purchased a few things his abuse is what matters.

Edit: Does her acknowledge or "remember" the abuse? Or does he think he was a wonderful father?


----------



## ronk (Dec 19, 2018)

911, oh my gosh, where in the heck did you get an idea about psychosis?! I totally know what Reality is and who I am. I am an introvert. I grew up knowing my Dad might hit me or my brothers at any time. My mother was never really there for us emotionally or physically. She said my Dad (a Minister) was an Agent of Satan. Dad's mission was to drive Mom insane by having children! When she flipped out, she started fires as a way to get close to Satan! My Mom's parents were religious crackpots. My Dad's parents were alcoholics. Dad's father died of cancer of the mouth. He couldn't eat, so he starved to death. 

For several years, during junior high school and high school, my brother and I were harassed by a gang of bullies (at least 6, including boys and girls) on the way to school, at school, and on the way home. Add the school bullies to my abusive father and mother. It's a wonder I'm still here.

I've made it a point to be family with psychology and psychiatry. Much of my knowledge comes from direct experience with family! I've been taking medications for depression, anxiety, high blood pressure...and have a BiPap machine for Sleep Apnea. I sometimes have trouble sleeping. Some days I black out all the time... I finally get tired of struggling and take a nap. I didn't get any sleep at all last night. Now it's almost Noon, and I'm going to try taking a nap.


----------



## treeguy64 (Dec 19, 2018)

You need help, man. You have serious issues to put to rest, and the fact that you not only still have contact with your dad but, indeed, bait him, online, speaks volumes about the depth of your problem. Get help!


----------



## ronk (Dec 19, 2018)

treeguy64, I don't bait my Dad. My Dad is nice at times... then something sets him off. I don't waste time finding ways to upset him.


----------



## treeguy64 (Dec 19, 2018)

You know your dad, I take it.  You should know, after all of these years, if you post "X," then he's going to respond with "Y."  Ultimately, he's a huge negative in your life.  If you're a glutton for punishment, when it comes to your parent, and one other SF member had a similar issue (which she bemoaned, in here), then just keep on keepin' on.  If you honestly want to end this cycle on, cycle off, of abuse, let the old guy alone, for good!


----------



## ronk (Dec 19, 2018)

You make assumptions that are not true. My Dad is a strong man. No one bullies him or convinces him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I go to Facebook to share experiences and thoughts with my friends. I don't go their to bait my Dad. I said one thing, in many months, that Dad reacted to. Dad doesn't always respond to my Facebook posts. Once and awhile he is inspired to buy me something. I always express my gratitude. He is my Dad. He is not perfect, and neither am I. I don't spend my life going over past pains or disappointments. I don't harbor anger for past misdeeds, etc.

After this recent disagreement I walked away. Eventually Dad might reach out, considering that it's the Holidays. I'll respond, in a positive manner.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Dec 19, 2018)

ronknights said:


> You make assumptions that are not true. My Dad is a strong man. No one bullies him or convinces him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I go to Facebook to share experiences and thoughts with my friends. I don't go their to bait my Dad. I said one thing, in many months, that Dad reacted to. Dad doesn't always respond to my Facebook posts. Once and awhile he is inspired to buy me something. I always express my gratitude. He is my Dad. He is not perfect, and neither am I. I don't spend my life going over past pains or disappointments. I don't harbor anger for past misdeeds, etc.
> 
> After this recent disagreement I walked away. Eventually Dad might reach out, considering that it's the Holidays. I'll respond, in a positive manner.



I hope your father reaches out in a positive way, and if you respond in a positive manner that is good, the way it should be.  Wishing you and your father's relationship improves and thrives in the new year.


----------



## Giantsfan1954 (Dec 19, 2018)

You're a ticking time bomb if you're polishing off a bottle of booze on antidepressants...someone is going to find you on the floor!
Close your FB account until you get s handle on your issues.


----------



## applecruncher (Dec 19, 2018)

> _Once and awhile he is inspired to buy me something. _



But there's always a price. :whome:


----------



## ronk (Dec 19, 2018)

One drunken incident doesn't make a drunk. I usually only have maybe 4 beers a month. Sometimes I go months without any alcohol at all. Relationships can be complicated. It might be easy to totally push someone out of your life because of past pain. My Dad has grown, somewhat. Sometimes he's the intelligent guy I remember, and we share similar interests. We had some excellent travel adventures, and fun working on cars, in the past. Our biggest handicap is his apparent insistence that he can't tolerate weakness. One solution is to limit exposure. We don't communicate every day. I know Dad is busy. He married his 3rd wife back in 1980. They live near his wife's family. They have a whole cast of relations that I don't know.

I usually just do my own thing. If Dad calls or emails, I talk to him. We usually have decent conversations. We don't fight. It's the emails that sometimes get us in trouble. I have reached out to the cousin who got involved in the Facebook argument. I want some insight into what went on, and how she got involved. I asked if I should be concerned about Dad. He's still my Dad. Who knows how much time we have left.


----------



## debbie in seattle (Dec 19, 2018)

You can always block him.


----------



## Gary O' (Dec 19, 2018)

ronknights said:


> He's still my Dad. Who knows how much time we have left.



Very understandable

Draw the line

Stand yer ground

Be nice

Hope

pray

......but understand this;

his passing may be a relief


----------



## Keesha (Dec 20, 2018)

treeguy64 said:


> You know your dad, I take it.  You should know, after all of these years, if you post "X," then he's going to respond with "Y."  Ultimately, he's a huge negative in your life.  If you're a glutton for punishment, when it comes to your parent, and one other SF member had a similar issue (which she bemoaned, in here), then just keep on keepin' on.  If you honestly want to end this cycle on, cycle off, of abuse, let the old guy alone, for good!


Deleted. Not worth responding to. 
Bemowned. Oh but you so deserved it.


----------



## Keesha (Dec 20, 2018)

I wish you the best of luck ronknights. 
You have some things to work out but life tests us.
You are still responsible for your actions and drinking a whole bottle of booze and posting it online is a real silly thing to do. Surely you expected some criticism from that? He IS 91 ! Surely some dementia and other cognitive problems could be coming into play. You have to be responsible for your actions. 
Think before responding. Disengage if it gets nasty.


----------



## ronk (Dec 20, 2018)

Thanks, everyone for your responses. This incident brought together several issues. When my brother moved away, I missed him. Then I remembered our relationship was never very good. That's why I only visited him once a week. I had tried for 4 years to either accept his negativity or improve the relationship. When he left, I really didn't have much to miss. He lives too far away for me to visit. He lives closer to my parents now. My brother is more like my Dad. My brother doesn't like to talk on the phone. I won't bother calling him. Awhile ago, my Dad and his twin brother came over to get a few of my brother's things. We went to lunch, then visited my brother. I didn't really appreciate they way they spoke to me most of the time. 

My Dad had suggested that I might want to move closer to family. I thought about that, briefly. I'd never get the kind of closeness I want and deserve. I moved from Maine to Minnesota 4 years ago. I wanted to be closer to family. It never really worked out. I'll stay here for now. I might move later, in order to have easier access to medical care. I live in a small town now. We need to go to other cities or towns for different types of treatment.

As for the booze silliness, I accept the criticism. However, there is no need to keep beating a dead horse. layful:


----------



## Packerjohn (Dec 20, 2018)

There are a lot of losers on Face book posting photos of their dogs & cats.  Many post famous sayings.  Some post jokes.  I suppose that there are a lot of lonely people there on FB.  Same for those starring all day into stupidphones.


----------



## Sunny (Dec 20, 2018)

Many people have never used Facebook to begin with, and many younger people have left Facebook behind in favor of other social media that they like better. Posting on Facebook is not a necessary requirement to be alive. Since it is an obvious cause of distress to both you and your father, you should stay off it. If you like posting on social media, find others, and do not tell him about them.


----------



## ronk (Dec 20, 2018)

Sunny, it makes more sense just to "un-friend" my Dad on Facebook.


----------



## Falcon (Dec 20, 2018)

Ron,   Stay away from your  father  for  a  few  days/weeks/months !   He's  ruining  your  life.  I just hope you don't

actually   NEED  him.  You have your OWN  life to live !


----------



## ronk (Dec 20, 2018)

Falcon, I'm fine, thanks. Dad lives over 30 miles away. We don't see each other for weeks or months at a time. I live just fine alone.


----------



## Keesha (Dec 20, 2018)

Wishing you the best in your situation. Ron. Family can be difficult to deal with.
Ive never been on Facebook.


----------



## ronk (Dec 20, 2018)

Thanks, Keesha. I never bothered with online communities till around 2008. At that time I recovered from my divorce, got some dentures, and started making YouTube videos. I made many friends, and they talked me into getting more involved with Facebook, Twitter, etc. I got slammed a couple times by groups of trolls and got terribly depressed. Eventually I retired from doing YouTube videos and scaled back my other online activities greatly. Now I communicate with some of the friends I'd mentioned. We touch base once and awhile.


----------



## MarciKS (Jul 23, 2020)

ronk said:


> Thanks, Keesha. I never bothered with online communities till around 2008. At that time I recovered from my divorce, got some dentures, and started making YouTube videos. I made many friends, and they talked me into getting more involved with Facebook, Twitter, etc. I got slammed a couple times by groups of trolls and got terribly depressed. Eventually I retired from doing YouTube videos and scaled back my other online activities greatly. Now I communicate with some of the friends I'd mentioned. We touch base once and awhile.


My father has always been verbally abusive. I recently left FB in part because of it. When a grown a** woman can't post what she wants on her own FB page because her dad doesn't like it & decides to attack each post that's BS.

(And yes I'm aware of the date on this thread...I'm just posting because I want to.)


----------



## Lewkat (Jul 24, 2020)

One of the worst things about FB is the family feuds that occur on that site.  It is undignified and embarrassing.  This situation right here is a fine example.  I could never imagine posting what Ron does on FB nor here for that matter.


----------



## Pepper (Jul 24, 2020)

Lewkat said:


> One of the worst things about FB is the family feuds that occur on that site.  It is undignified and embarrassing.  This situation right here is a fine example.  I could never imagine posting what Ron does on FB nor here for that matter.


It's more than undignified, Lewkat.  It's a betrayal of a close relative or friend.  IMO.


----------



## Butterfly (Jul 24, 2020)

One of the many reasons I don't want anything to do with Facebook.


----------



## Becky1951 (Jul 24, 2020)

Block them. I recently blocked 2 cousins. I love them dearly but instead of them calling, or using text messages if they have a personal question or problem or gossip they use FB.


----------



## Treacle (Jul 24, 2020)

Many know on this Forum that my father killed my mother leaving 5 children youngest 6 months. He did nothing for his 'kids'. He remained selfish , a 'user' , manipulative and violent. When he died nobody went to the cremation and the clerk scattered the ashes somewhere. He was my father and I felt in conflict because he was my father and I believe I have a kind heart and want to be kind to people. But, here's why I'm writing this Ronk. One can either accept the person for who they are but feel the hurt everytime you encounter that person, in whatever shape or form that might be, or you can say I can't keep revisiting that hurt, I have done my best, I have a right to a life without pain and trauma and my life is just as important as his. From what you have written I just feel that you are still hoping  that your  father will be the type of father you always wanted and/or perhaps show some contrition for past events.  I could be wrong. But I spent years hoping I would have a father that I thought a father should be. It never happened. You can walk away. So here's the thing, do you want your father in your life and all that that entails or can you leave it behind so that you have some peace. Of course the other option could be to leave it alone for a period of time until you feel that you are on top of your emotions etc.  Just some thoughts Ronk. I wish you all the best.


----------



## JustBonee (Jul 24, 2020)

ronk  ...  last seen on the forum April 23, 2019


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 24, 2020)

Lewkat said:


> One of the worst things about FB is the family feuds that occur on that site.  It is undignified and embarrassing.  This situation right here is a fine example.  I could never imagine posting what Ron does on FB nor here for that matter.


Well, I am going to jump in on this old thread as well.  I have posted here a lot about my early abusive years, and issues with my husband.  Some of you may be surprised but doing so, posting about abusive situations, family issues, etc, is recommended and encouraged by therapists.

Forums, such as this one, are considered “safe spaces” for the most part.  True, some people are ignorant towards you when you do this but so what?  Even their opinions can be valuable and give you ideals.  It’s better and easier than facing other abused people in a group setting.  Although I’ve never been in a group session and only had a couple of sessions with a therapist.

I did think her suggestion of discussing issues on a forum was a good ideal though.  You help not only yourself, but others as well, IMO.

I am not on any form of social media.  I don’t understand it and need neither praise nor condemnation from complete strangers.  This is the only forum I am on and I love it here, even when people disagree with me.  .  Even when I get in trouble and I have been in trouble .

Anyway, my 2 cents.


----------



## grahamg (Jul 24, 2020)

Bonnie said:


> ronk  ...  last seen on the forum April 23, 2019


Well pointed out, I hadn't noticed.   .

Would it be appropriate to make any comments now, like maybe about the level of maturity or lack of maturity evident in some of the posts imho, (given father 91 years old, and lucky to be around and kicking, "maybe there should be a limit on the age of someone allowed on Facebook - only joking"  ?).


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 24, 2020)

grahamg said:


> Well pointed out, I hadn't noticed.   .
> 
> Would it be appropriate to make any comments now, like maybe about the level of maturity or lack of maturity evident in some of the posts imho, (given father 91 years old, and lucky to be around and kicking, "maybe there should be a limit on the age of someone allowed on Facebook - only joking"  ?).


My mother is 95, neither of us are on FB, if we were she wouldn’t be on my friends list.


----------



## Pepper (Jul 24, 2020)

@Treacle 
I did not know that.  I'm very sorry you had to endure such hell.  These words are for all victims, especially children.


----------



## fuzzybuddy (Jul 24, 2020)

Ronk,  Have you thought that you are posting rants about your dad in a Senior Citizens Forum ?


----------



## MarciKS (Jul 24, 2020)

Becky1951 said:


> Block them. I recently blocked 2 cousins. I love them dearly but instead of them calling, or using text messages if they have a personal question or problem or gossip they use FB.


I could've blocked my father but...right now they are relying on electronic communication to make sure I'm ok. I refuse to block my father because to me that's just disrespectful. He still loves me he's just an ahole. LOL!

So I shut down my FB acct & I email once a day so they know I'm ok. I missed my usual 8:30 email this morning & he emailed asking where my email was. The email thing works better because I don't have to worry about him seeing something & commenting on it.


----------



## MarciKS (Jul 24, 2020)

Bonnie said:


> ronk  ...  last seen on the forum April 23, 2019


We can still comment on a post regardless of whether or not that person is still here. I like to get into older threads & drag up something new to talk about besides COVID & racism.


----------



## RadishRose (Jul 24, 2020)

Treacle said:


> Many know on this Forum that my father killed my mother leaving 5 children youngest 6 months. He did nothing for his 'kids'. He remained selfish , a 'user' , manipulative and violent. When he died nobody went to the cremation and the clerk scattered the ashes somewhere. He was my father and I felt in conflict because he was my father and I believe I have a kind heart and want to be kind to people. But, here's why I'm writing this Ronk. One can either accept the person for who they are but feel the hurt everytime you encounter that person, in whatever shape or form that might be, or you can say I can't keep revisiting that hurt, I have done my best, I have a right to a life without pain and trauma and my life is just as important as his. From what you have written I just feel that you are still hoping  that your  father will be the type of father you always wanted and/or perhaps show some contrition for past events.  I could be wrong. But I spent years hoping I would have a father that I thought a father should be. It never happened. You can walk away. So here's the thing, do you want your father in your life and all that that entails or can you leave it behind so that you have some peace. Of course the other option could be to leave it alone for a period of time until you feel that you are on top of your emotions etc.  Just some thoughts Ronk. I wish you all the best.


I'm so sorry about your ordeal, @Treacle.


----------



## Sassycakes (Jul 24, 2020)

I hope Ron is doing well and just stopped visiting here. I was just wondering why anyone who joins any web site uses a name people would recognize who you are. I would tell my close friends privately what name I was using and not accept anyone 
 I didn't want to accept.


----------



## Treacle (Jul 24, 2020)

RadishRose said:


> I'm so sorry about your ordeal, @Treacle.


Thank you RadishRose. There are so many people who have had difficult lives. A lot of people who have suffered are the same people who want to help others.


----------



## Treacle (Jul 24, 2020)

Pepper said:


> @Treacle
> I did not know that.  I'm very sorry you had to endure such hell.  These words are for all victims, especially children.


Thank you Pepper. There are lot's of children throughout the world who are living or have lived traumatic lives. We can only hope that  life will be better for them someday. It is often the innocent ones' who pay the price for those who are supposed to take care of us. But we can survive whatever the circumstances.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 24, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> I could've blocked my father but...right now they are relying on electronic communication to make sure I'm ok. I refuse to block my father because to me that's just disrespectful. He still loves me he's just an ahole. LOL!
> 
> So I shut down my FB acct & I email once a day so they know I'm ok. I missed my usual 8:30 email this morning & he emailed asking where my email was. The email thing works better because I don't have to worry about him seeing something & commenting on it.


I agree with what you are doing.   My mother does not do email etc so I take her calls.  I didn't for a while (She said some really horrific things that I need to recover from) but that just made her call more and leave messages that something was wrong with my phone.  

At her age, I just listen, agree to whatever, and then the conversation is over.  You never stop wishing for more, but you finally realize they are incapable of providing anything close to what you want.


----------



## MarciKS (Jul 24, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> I agree with what you are doing.   My mother does not do email etc so I take her calls.  I didn't for a while (She said some really horrific things that I need to recover from) but that just made her call more and leave messages that something was wrong with my phone.
> 
> At her age, I just listen, agree to whatever, and then the conversation is over.  You never stop wishing for more, but you finally realize they are incapable of providing anything close to what you want.


It's difficult to explain anything to the folks cuz they don't understand or think I'm crazy. I get tired of all the difficulty of it all. I get tired of being argued with and always being wrong. I can't always be wrong about everything 100% of the time. Especially when it pertains to my life & how I live it. The minute I disagree with them I'm a PITA. After a while I get tired of taking it on the chin.


----------



## JaniceM (Jul 24, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> I agree with what you are doing.   My mother does not do email etc so I take her calls.  I didn't for a while (She said some really horrific things that I need to recover from) but that just made her call more and leave messages that something was wrong with my phone.
> 
> At her age, I just listen, agree to whatever, and then the conversation is over.  You never stop wishing for more, but you finally realize they are incapable of providing anything close to what you want.


During my mother's later years, I was kinda grateful that I didn't have a phone.  

Re:  what you said about finally realizing-  seems that's what it takes to reclaim our own lives, by acknowledging at least to ourselves that nothing we can do can change them and they'd never be the parents they should have been.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 24, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> It's difficult to explain anything to the folks cuz they don't understand or think I'm crazy. I get tired of all the difficulty of it all. I get tired of being argued with and always being wrong. I can't always be wrong about everything 100% of the time. Especially when it pertains to my life & how I live it. The minute I disagree with them I'm a PITA. After a while I get tired of taking it on the chin.


Unless you are talking to another adult who was abused as a child, most people just can’t understand.  We don’t want to become abusers.  Our parents are in denial, most of the time, about what they did, therefore, they don’t understand the harm they did or our deep dislike of them.

The older they get, the more they need us, the less understanding they have of how painful and destructive those contacts between us are.  Because they don’t understand, we are compelled to be as decent as possible to them.  It’s a terrible situation for everyone to be in.


----------



## hollydolly (Jul 24, 2020)

Treacle said:


> Thank you Pepper. There are lot's of children throughout the world who are living or have lived traumatic lives. We can only hope that  life will be better for them someday. It is often the innocent ones' who pay the price for those who are supposed to take care of us. But we can survive whatever the circumstances.


Absolutely agree Treacle... and I have documented my abusive childhood on here ( well more pedantically on the forum before this one).. so,  many people who have been on this forum for as long as me  already know, but I agree with everything you say, and as in your first response to the OP.. I did that very thing you suggested and walked away mentally and physically from my father the abuser who was the cause of my mothers death also, and my many , many beatings.. he didn't have anyone at his cremation either ...but I felt a huge sense of relief when he died to know that he was no longer in the world to hurt any other person least of all small children and women as he did...


----------



## MarciKS (Jul 24, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Unless you are talking to another adult who was abused as a child, most people just can’t understand.  We don’t want to become abusers.  Our parents are in denial, most of the time, about what they did, therefore, they don’t understand the harm they did or our deep dislike of them.
> 
> The older they get, the more they need us, the less understanding they have of how painful and destructive those contacts between us are.  Because they don’t understand, we are compelled to be as decent as possible to them.  It’s a terrible situation for everyone to be in.


When my folks were younger...my mother was verbally abused by my dad's mom all the time. We went to visit her in the nursing home & I helped grandma in the bathroom. Mom stated she didn't know how I could do that as crappy as grandma was to all of us.

I told her to take a good look at her. I said that woman is no longer grandma. She's a shell who has no idea who the hell we are or what she's done to us over the years. That's why.


----------



## Judycat (Jul 24, 2020)

Family are the worst for tying your psyche in a knot. It's because they think they know you better than you know yourself. Of course they don't. 
There's nothing wrong with little or no contact if these people keep loading on the guilt. They wouldn't like it if the tables were turned now would they?


----------



## SeaBreeze (Jul 24, 2020)

Treacle said:


> Many know on this Forum that my father killed my mother leaving 5 children youngest 6 months. He did nothing for his 'kids'. He remained selfish , a 'user' , manipulative and violent. When he died nobody went to the cremation and the clerk scattered the ashes somewhere. He was my father and I felt in conflict because he was my father and I believe I have a kind heart and want to be kind to people. But, here's why I'm writing this Ronk. One can either accept the person for who they are but feel the hurt everytime you encounter that person, in whatever shape or form that might be, or you can say I can't keep revisiting that hurt, I have done my best, I have a right to a life without pain and trauma and my life is just as important as his. From what you have written I just feel that you are still hoping  that your  father will be the type of father you always wanted and/or perhaps show some contrition for past events.  I could be wrong. But I spent years hoping I would have a father that I thought a father should be. It never happened. You can walk away. So here's the thing, do you want your father in your life and all that that entails or can you leave it behind so that you have some peace. Of course the other option could be to leave it alone for a period of time until you feel that you are on top of your emotions etc.  Just some thoughts Ronk. I wish you all the best.


@Treacle, I admire you for your very wise and thoughtful post.  I'm so sorry to hear about what your father did, my condolences for the loss of your dear mother...hugs.


----------



## MarciKS (Jul 24, 2020)

Judycat said:


> Family are the worst for tying your psyche in a knot. It's because they think they know you better than you know yourself. Of course they don't.
> There's nothing wrong with little or no contact if these people keep loading on the guilt. They wouldn't like it if the tables were turned now would they?


That's exactly right Judy. After 54 yrs of putting up with it...I finally got mad & made the decision that I'd had enough.


----------



## JaniceM (Jul 24, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> That's exactly right Judy. After 54 yrs of putting up with it...I finally got mad & made the decision that I'd had enough.


I tolerated them for 41 years, left, and never saw either of them again.  
It didn't stop her constant flurry of letters, but I think they finally grasped I was not coming back.


----------



## MarciKS (Jul 24, 2020)

JaniceM said:


> I tolerated them for 41 years, left, and never saw either of them again.
> It didn't stop her constant flurry of letters, but I think they finally grasped I was not coming back.


I don't think Dad realized he was upsetting me. He emailed & asked why I shut my acct down. I just told him I was sick of FB. I told him I'd email him once a day. If they needed to they could call. It pretty much came to a head one day when a co-worker wanted to know who the rude guy was on my FB page. I had to explain that he was my father & despite loving me he can be a real jerk. *Rolls Eyes* 

I started emailing him the first couple days to see how that would go. It went ok so I shut FB down. This seems to have been a good solution because there's nothing in email to set this stuff off. I send him a funny or a pic I made on Face in hole. LOL


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 24, 2020)

JaniceM said:


> I tolerated them for 41 years, left, and never saw either of them again.
> It didn't stop her constant flurry of letters, but I think they finally grasped I was not coming back.


Yeah, after what she said to me, I left and told her I’d never see her again.  I feel bad about it sometimes, but not bad enough to ever see her.  I had my son go see her when he was in her area last year.  He said she seemed lonely.  Sad, but not enough to cause me to visit.

Last time I saw my dad I was 19.  Always wished I could have seen him more, but not possible.


----------



## Pecos (Jul 24, 2020)

I was lucky in dealing with my alcoholic abusive parents by joining the Navy at 17 and basically telling them to kiss off. When I was 22 my two younger half-brothers (15 & 17) decided that they had enough and came to live with me in San Pablo CA. I was able to get my parents to pay a small amount of child support for the younger one as well as getting the health insurance paperwork that I needed. They would not help at all with the older one. A few years later my 14 year old sister came to live with me in Hawaii under a Court Order with more realistic child support.

I feel bad for the women who have gone through this as the options available to me in 1960 were not available to them. It also helped that at 16, I decided to put an end to the physical abuse and proceeded to crack a few of my step father's ribs. The older of my two brothers had to do the same thing. Regrettably, this is another option that women don't have.

One of the great mysteries of my life is why I put any effort into trying to build a relationship with them later, but I did and so did my brothers and sister. At some point I had very little to do with them. There is a lot of "wishful" thinking in these situations and when they pass, we mourn for what "should have been."


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 24, 2020)

Pecos said:


> I was lucky in dealing with my alcoholic abusive parents by joining the Navy at 17 and basically telling them to kiss off. When I was 22 my two younger half-brothers (15 & 17) decided that they had enough and came to live with me in San Pablo CA. I was able to get my parents to pay a small amount of child support for the younger one as well as getting the health insurance paperwork that I needed. They would not help at all with the older one. A few years later my 14 year old sister came to live with me in Hawaii under a Court Order with more realistic child support.
> 
> I feel bad for the women who have gone through this as the options available to me in 1960 were not available to them. It also helped that at 16, I decided to put an end to the physical abuse and proceeded to crack a few of my step father's ribs. The older of my two brothers had to do the same thing. Regrettably, this is another option that women don't have.
> 
> One of the great mysteries of my life is why I put any effort into trying to build a relationship with them later, but I did and so did my brothers and sister. At some point I had very little to do with them. There is a lot of "wishful" thinking in these situations and when they pass, we mourn for what "should have been."


I think we grieve our entire lives whether we remain in contact with them or not.  When they die, we definitely mourn for them and ourselves as the hope we carried forever, of achieving even a fraction of the love, respect, and caring relationship we longed for is gone.


----------



## Treacle (Jul 24, 2020)

SeaBreeze said:


> @Treacle, I admire you for your very wise and thoughtful post.  I'm so sorry to hear about what your father did, my condolences for the loss of your dear mother...hugs.


Thank you SeaBreeze. My Austrian brother (his and our mother, not  his father) passed away last September and I hope he is now with her
There are so many children who have gone through such traumatic times and still do, but perhaps one aspect of healing is finding the love , care and kindness from others and I have certainly found that in this Forum. So thank you all.


----------



## JaniceM (Jul 24, 2020)

Treacle said:


> Thank you SeaBreeze. My Austrian brother (his and our mother, not  his father) passed away last September and I hope he is now with her
> There are so many children who have gone through such traumatic times and still do, but perhaps one aspect of healing is finding the love , care and kindness from others and I have certainly found that in this Forum. So thank you all.


I don't like adding something negative to positive topics, but what gets me is when individuals say "EVERYBODY" misses their mothers/fathers/parents, or "WE ALL" do, etc. because it can cause some of us to really feel left out.  

I thought of posting this, but my topics tend to get few if any replies:
First, find a creative outlet-  some kind of art, music, writing, etc., and "let it all hang out."
Then, if you want to, share it with other people.  It can help others as well as oneself.


----------



## Treacle (Jul 24, 2020)

Hope you don't mind but just wanted to share a photo of my Austrian  mother when she was younger. She is always looking after me even though her physical presence is not here. (That's my belief) .


----------



## JaniceM (Jul 24, 2020)

Treacle said:


> Hope you don't mind but just wanted to share a photo of my Austrian  mother when she was younger. She is always looking after me even though her physical presence is not here. (That's my belief) .


She was a very beautiful young lady!!


----------



## Aunt Marg (Jul 24, 2020)

Treacle said:


> Hope you don't mind but just wanted to share a photo of my Austrian  mother when she was younger. She is always looking after me even though her physical presence is not here. (That's my belief) .


So pretty, Treacle.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 24, 2020)

JaniceM said:


> I don't like adding something negative to positive topics, but what gets me is when individuals say "EVERYBODY" misses their mothers/fathers/parents, or "WE ALL" do, etc. because it can cause some of us to really feel left out.
> 
> I thought of posting this, but my topics tend to get few if any replies:
> First, find a creative outlet-  some kind of art, music, writing, etc., and "let it all hang out."
> Then, if you want to, share it with other people.  It can help others as well as oneself.


I try very hard to NOT say everyone or all of us or similar sayings, if I have I apologize.  My father moved on when I was 17, when I was 18 he was married and had replacements for myself and my brother.

A few years later, he had a new family with 3 girls, 1 boy.  Before me, two other marriages 1 girl each.  So 5 marriages, 10 children, and there may have been more.  I never missed him.  I don’t miss seeing my mother, but I feel guilty for not doing so.


----------



## JaniceM (Jul 24, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> I try very hard to NOT say everyone or all of us or similar sayings, if I have I apologize.  My father moved on when I was 17, when I was 18 he was married and had replacements for myself and my brother.
> 
> A few years later, he had a new family with 3 girls, 1 boy.  Before me, two other marriages 1 girl each.  So 5 marriages, 10 children, and there may have been more.  I never missed him.  I don’t miss seeing my mother, but I feel guilty for not doing so.


Oh I wasn't referring to this thread.  I meant topics like mother's day, father's day, etc.


----------



## Treacle (Jul 24, 2020)

JaniceM said:


> I don't like adding something negative to positive topics, but what gets me is when individuals say "EVERYBODY" misses their mothers/fathers/parents, or "WE ALL" do, etc. because it can cause some of us to really feel left out.
> 
> I thought of posting this, but my topics tend to get few if any replies:
> First, find a creative outlet-  some kind of art, music, writing, etc., and "let it all hang out."
> Then, if you want to, share it with other people.  It can help others as well as oneself.


Sorry JaniceM, I'm a bit confused by your post. Please elaborate if you wish to. If by my writings it has cause you some hurt I apologise. I was initially responding to Ronk. My life started off as it did and I don't hide it and sometimes when others read about other peoples struggles etc, it helps to put their lives in perspective and/or show empathy so they don't feel they are alone, and sometimes it can assist in opening up alternatives. Happy to  respond to you should you wish to clarify.☺


----------



## JaniceM (Jul 24, 2020)

Treacle said:


> Sorry JaniceM, I'm a bit confused by your post. Please elaborate if you wish to. If by my writings it has cause you some hurt I apologise. I was initially responding to Ronk. My life started off as it did and I don't hide it and sometimes when others read about other peoples struggles etc, it helps to put their lives in perspective and/or show empathy so they don't feel they are alone, and sometimes it can assist in opening up alternatives. Happy to  respond to you should you wish to clarify.☺


I'm sorry for the confusion.. like I posted above, I wasn't referring to anything anyone said in this thread..  I was referring to topics like a mother's day thread where someone said "WE ALL miss our mothers," and similar threads about parents.  

I was also suggesting writing is one of the many excellent creative outlets...  and your posts are good examples of that!!!


----------



## Treacle (Jul 24, 2020)

JaniceM said:


> I'm sorry for the confusion.. like I posted above, I wasn't referring to anything anyone said in this thread..  I was referring to topics like a mother's day thread where someone said "WE ALL miss our mothers," and similar threads about parents.
> 
> I was also suggesting writing is one of the many excellent creative outlets...  and your posts are good examples of that!!!


Thank you JaniceM - understood. Did get a poem published !!!!!!!


----------



## JaniceM (Jul 24, 2020)

Treacle said:


> Thank you JaniceM - understood. Did get a poem published !!!!!!!


Right on!!!!


----------



## RadishRose (Jul 25, 2020)

Treacle said:


> Hope you don't mind but just wanted to share a photo of my Austrian  mother when she was younger. She is always looking after me even though her physical presence is not here. (That's my belief) .


Beautiful!


----------



## ronk (Jul 25, 2020)

Hello everyone. I was away for awhile. I do that sometimes when I'm depressed, or busy with some projects. Some people here apparently don't like me, and react negatively to threads like this one. It's easy to ignore someone you don't like. (hint)
I'll never stop trying to reach out to my Dad. In his better times, my Dad has been my hero. Unfortunately time and distance keep us apart. Dad can no longer drive. I live in a small town, and there is no mass transit to travel between here and where Dad lives. These days Dad and I don't communicate a lot. I don't email him any more. Emails were always an "iffy" proposition for us. A better alternative for us is talking face to face. We had some great lunches for just that purpose.  I've had an extremely difficult time lately.


----------



## peppermint (Jul 25, 2020)

I don't do face book....Only this forum and another forum....


----------



## RadishRose (Jul 25, 2020)

ronk said:


> Hello everyone. I was away for awhile. I do that sometimes when I'm depressed, or busy with some projects. Some people here apparently don't like me, and react negatively to threads like this one. It's easy to ignore someone you don't like. (hint)
> I'll never stop trying to reach out to my Dad. In his better times, my Dad has been my hero. Unfortunately time and distance keep us apart. Dad can no longer drive. I live in a small town, and there is no mass transit to travel between here and where Dad lives. These days Dad and I don't communicate a lot. I don't email him any more. Emails were always an "iffy" proposition for us. A better alternative for us is talking face to face. We had some great lunches for just that purpose.  I've had an extremely difficult time lately.


Welcome back RonK. Hope your father is well and you're doing ok.


----------



## MarciKS (Jul 25, 2020)

ronk said:


> Hello everyone. I was away for awhile. I do that sometimes when I'm depressed, or busy with some projects. Some people here apparently don't like me, and react negatively to threads like this one. It's easy to ignore someone you don't like. (hint)
> I'll never stop trying to reach out to my Dad. In his better times, my Dad has been my hero. Unfortunately time and distance keep us apart. Dad can no longer drive. I live in a small town, and there is no mass transit to travel between here and where Dad lives. These days Dad and I don't communicate a lot. I don't email him any more. Emails were always an "iffy" proposition for us. A better alternative for us is talking face to face. We had some great lunches for just that purpose.  I've had an extremely difficult time lately.


*it's ok. i understand. i haven't been doing too good lately either. surely it will get better eventually. *


----------



## ronk (Jul 25, 2020)

It's good to see you all again. I've been in a mood for the ability to communicate like this...for awhile. It's late and I'm tired.


----------



## RadishRose (Jul 25, 2020)

ronk said:


> It's good to see you all again. I've been in a mood for the ability to communicate like this...for awhile. It's late and I'm tired.


Get some sleep. We'll be here tomorrow.


----------



## ronk (Jul 26, 2020)

RadishRose, I went to bed a bit early, and woke at around 5 AM. I'm still a bit groggy. How are you today?!


----------

