# Okay, (by popular demand), a thread about what was wrong with the ex.!



## grahamg (Nov 3, 2021)

On the thread concerning our stating good or nice things about our exes, someone enquired why I'm not with the lady I described by picking out the most positive points about my own ex., (of forty four years, so that's some memory given most probably don't wish to think of their exes once they've gotten over the split!).

Right, I'll go first again, as its my thread, (no it isn't, its everyone's who wants to make a reasonably balanced assessment of what was wrong with the man or woman we once thought were spend the rest of our lives with, making us all poor judges of character I'd suggest, at one time!).

My ex was manipulative, many said spoilt as a child, (including her own mother), often haughty, a bit of a cleaning fanatic, drove a car as though she was on a racetrack or driving a fairground dodgem car, (if you know what one of those might be?), scaring the wits out a me, wouldn't use the public toilets available in France in the 1980s, so we had to drive around until eventually finding a suitable field, and finally she was ruthless in pursuit of her own interests!

That's enough negatives for now, though if pressed you may encourage me to say more, (why didn't I spot any of this before we married you may ask, simple answer "I was an idiot" and ignored warnings from all and sundry!).

If you can avoid being too negatives here, (and hopefully no one will upset themselves too much, or reveal things better left in the past, this s!ightly dodgy, or edgy thread may not cause too much mayhem, and whatever negatives I've mentioned above my ex was admired as a parent by my parents, so not all bad obviously, (better gone though!).


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## grahamg (Nov 4, 2021)

I can see some people are struggling with the thread topic so here is a bit of research into it:

https://www.divorce-online.co.uk/blog/reasons-for-divorce/


Couples just stopped loving each other.
The other party being bad with money.
The other party having personal problems.
Lack of love and affection.
Lack of sex.
Lack of communication.
Addictions.
Money Issues
Cheating/Adultery
Abuse.

More here too:
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/mar/13/the-top-10-reasons-why-couples-argue


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## Shero (Nov 4, 2021)

I believe I am the instigator of this thread. I was going to take back my request but forgot, because, I have nothing to offer since I have no ex - added to that I may want to ask you for all your negative and positive traits. Since we have no way of proving either your story or that of your ex, then this may be just a lot of conjecture


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## grahamg (Nov 4, 2021)

Shero said:


> I believe I am the instigator of this thread. I was going to take back my request but forgot, because, I have nothing to offer since I have no ex - added to that I may want to ask you for all your negative and positive traits. Since we have no way of proving either your story or that of your ex, then this may be just a lot of conjecture


Do you really need proof before you believe anything anyone says, or can things said have the "ring of truth" do you (ever) think?

You asked why my marriage ended to the woman I described as having so many positive attributes, without needing proof though didn't you. There appears to be an inconsistency here, (though I'll accept I'm putting words into your mouth, or misunderstanding your perfectly correct argument about my situation/life/marriage/divorce!).

Anyway, never mind all that, folks certainly are reticent about making negative comments concerning their exes, so I'd guess perhaps this thread is dead in the water!


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## Alligatorob (Nov 4, 2021)

All fall into one of two, pretty much mutually exclusive, categories:


Something I did or let happen leading to them becoming exes.
My ever letting them get into the position of being eligible to become an ex.


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## grahamg (Nov 4, 2021)

Alligatorob said:


> All fall into one of two, pretty much mutually exclusive, categories:
> 
> 
> Something I did or let happen leading to them becoming exes.
> My ever letting them get into the position of being eligible to become an ex.


I once met a guy who said he'd had five failed marriages, (showing admirable pluck I'd say!), and he was accompanied by a lovely woman, his partner, but this time they'd worked out living together all the time wasn't the way to go, so they'd bought houses next door to one another!


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## WheatenLover (Nov 4, 2021)

@grahamg One of my friends, now departed from this life, was a woman who had been married 8 times. #1 and #8 were the same guy. She wasn't even a femme fatale (a woman who attracts men by an aura of charm and mystery). She was a lovely person, but if any of us met her, we would be surprised about the number of husbands she had had.

What was wrong with my first marriage was there were several important things that we disagreed on (core values), and which effected my daily life in a deleterious manner. None of them were anything having to do with crimes or immorality. We have been friends since our divorce in 1987. We still disagree on those things, but we have agreed to disagree, and none of them effect my life any longer.


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## bingo (Nov 4, 2021)

You're  gonna need a therapist  in this thread..

Just a joke...don't  freak out ...please


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## grahamg (Nov 4, 2021)

bingo said:


> You're  gonna need a therapist  in this thread..
> 
> Just a joke...don't  freak out ...please


We should try to remember a few things before jumping to too many conclusions:
1). Some say absence of evidence, or evidence of change "is data", (in the world of gathering information about evolution).
2). On this thread there appears to have been exhibited a reluctance to make negative comments about exes, (this may be of interest to social scientists?).
3). We can speculate as to the reasons why folks don't want to make negative comments, such as having " moved on" in their lives, and wishing to leave negatives concerning failed marriages behind, (some may fear saying something "in case its used in evidence against them"!), then again it could be something as simple as finding this thread a bore(?).
4). All of the above may sound perfectly reasonable conjecture, or perfect nonsense, (or even an attempt to pull your leg.   ?)!


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## Shero (Nov 4, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Do you really need proof before you believe anything anyone says, or can things said have the "ring of truth" do you (ever) think?



In a nutshell, yes I do in order to be fair to all concerned. One of my favorite authors Hemingway, wrote this: "when you hear the truth, it has a certain ring to it. When you hear it, you know it." For me, in order to hear that “ring” one has to make a Credibility Assessment and to do that it is necessary to separate “opinions” from “facts”. 
To make it even more painful, in order to make that credibility assessment, it is advisable to be face to face with that person. All I have is a picture of yourself and although I can tell a lot from a picture, it is not enough to make judgemental statements


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## grahamg (Nov 4, 2021)

Shero said:


> In a nutshell, yes I do in order to be fair to all concerned. One of my favorite authors Hemingway, wrote this: "when you hear the truth, it has a certain ring to it. When you hear it, you know it." For me, in order to hear that “ring” one has to make a Credibility Assessment and to do that it is necessary to separate “opinions” from “facts”.
> To make it even more painful, in order to make that credibility assessment, it is advisable to be face to face with that person. All I have is a picture of yourself and although I can tell a lot from a picture, it is not enough to make judgemental statements


You're a similar mystery to me, but I notice you are from Oz, and this reminds me of a song I found on an Andre Rieu CD, sung by a young woman whose name escapes me, but I think the title of the song is "We are Australia"!


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## Shero (Nov 4, 2021)

grahamg said:


> You're a similar mystery to me, but I notice you are from Oz, and this reminds me of a song I found on an Andre Rieu CD, sung by a young woman whose name escapes me, but I think the title of the song is "We are Australia"!


No I am not from Australia. I am here for a while but I live in three countries. Hawaii, British Virgin Islands and Lyon, France. However I am beginning to love Oz, though I don't think I want to live here permanently


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## Ronni (Nov 4, 2021)

My ex was abusive. It took a long time for me to find the courage to leave.


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## grahamg (Nov 4, 2021)

Ronni said:


> My ex was abusive. It took a long time for me to find the courage to leave.


I'm sorry to hear that, and unfortunately so many are just as you describe.


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## grahamg (Nov 4, 2021)

Shero said:


> No I am not from Australia. I am here for a while but I live in three countries. Hawaii, British Virgin Islands and Lyon, France. However I am beginning to love Oz, though I don't think I want to live here permanently


Does that make you a Hawaiian, British Virgin Island, French person, (or the other way around?)?


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## oldpop (Nov 5, 2021)

According to my ex what was wrong with her was me and she was probably right at the time.


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## Shero (Nov 5, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Does that make you a Hawaiian, British Virgin Island, French person, (or the other way around?)?


Born in Hawaii of French parents so American citizen. French because of having French parents and BVI because we loved the place and bought some property there.
Off to have a nap, stayed up late playing chess with the husband and for the first time in a year won!!!


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## grahamg (Nov 5, 2021)

Shero said:


> Born in Hawaii of French parents so American citizen. French because of having French parents and BVI because we loved the place and bought some property there.
> Off to have a nap, stayed up late playing chess with the husband and for the first time in a year won!!!


You absolutely sure he didn't let you win?


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## Ruthanne (Nov 5, 2021)

Cheated on me.

Beat me numerous times.

Left physical and mental scars on me

Lied to me a lot.

Stole from me.

I guess that's enough to mention even though is more.......you don't want to know,


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## grahamg (Nov 5, 2021)

Ruthanne said:


> Cheated on me.
> Beat me numerous times.
> Left physical and mental scars on me
> Lied to me a lot.
> ...


Thanks for commenting, and thanks even more for showing restraint because the thread would get out of hand without it I think you'll agree, (I didn't go into the cheating and lying of my ex., and the other unreasonable stuff, that looking back on it so many years on, showed just how incompatible we were!).


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## rgp (Nov 6, 2021)

In a nut shell ..... she was becoming her mother .......... not a good thing.

So, three & a half years after the blissed day ...... I left.


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## grahamg (Nov 6, 2021)

rgp said:


> In a nut shell ..... she was becoming her mother .......... not a good thing.
> So, three & a half years after the blissed day ...... I left.


When "she became her mother" did she then start to behave as though she was your mother?


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## Shero (Nov 6, 2021)

grahamg said:


> You absolutely sure he didn't let you win?


No he did not. I am a good player, but he is better


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## grahamg (Nov 6, 2021)

Shero said:


> No he did not. I am a good player, but he is better


"Would it be impertinent to say we've only heard your side here"? (just teasing, hope that's okay  !)


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## FastTrax (Nov 6, 2021)

...


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## jerry old (Nov 6, 2021)

WheatnLover
Question: is there a mele equivalent for  a femme fatale (a woman who attracts men by an aura of charm and mystery-for males?

Lauren Becall-you bet,
but Bogart was a skinny little man, not attractive at all
The movie ex's could not understand, why females were attracted to him.'


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## bowmore (Nov 6, 2021)

grahamg said:


> You're a similar mystery to me, but I notice you are from Oz, and this reminds me of a song I found on an Andre Rieu CD, sung by a young woman whose name escapes me, but I think the title of the song is "We are Australia"!


The best performance of that  was from Judith Durham of the Seekers. She is not young, but her voice is a s strong as it was years ago.


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## Shero (Nov 6, 2021)

grahamg said:


> "Would it be impertinent to say we've only heard your side here"? (just teasing, hope that's okay  !)


Mais oui !


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## FastTrax (Nov 6, 2021)

jerry old said:


> WheatnLover
> Question: is there a mele equivalent for  a femme fatale (a woman who attracts men by an aura of charm and mystery-for males?
> 
> Lauren Becall-you bet,
> ...



Peter Falk too. He was one of the biggest skirt chasers in Hollywood. Shera Danese Falk knew it too. The tabloids said 99% of the skirts he chased he caught. He, Ben Gazzara and John Cassavetes were tight. 

Poor Dick Cavett.


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## OneEyedDiva (Nov 6, 2021)

Nothing now...he's dead.


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## grahamg (Nov 6, 2021)

OneEyedDiva said:


> Nothing now...he's dead.


Well, fair enough, no need to speak ill  of the dead  !


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## WheatenLover (Nov 7, 2021)

jerry old said:


> WheatnLover
> Question: is there a mele equivalent for  a femme fatale (a woman who attracts men by an aura of charm and mystery-for males?
> 
> Lauren Becall-you bet,
> ...


Male equivalent? I don't think so.


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## rgp (Nov 7, 2021)

grahamg said:


> When "she became her mother" did she then start to behave as though she was your mother?



 Sort of, she tried anyway ........... but it didn't work


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## squatting dog (Nov 7, 2021)




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## Paco Dennis (Nov 7, 2021)

Honest, this is the first thing I thought of. I heard this years ago, and thought "what a fate!". I would try to divorce her ASAP! 

pinned around 1660, so the fate of the mismatched is as old as time. 
_
"'With many denials she yielded at last,
       Her chamber being wondrous privee;
That I all the night there might have my repast,
       To run at the Ring tan-tivee.
I put off my cloathes, and I tumbled to bed;
She went to her closet to dress up her head,
But I peep'd in the key-hole to see what she did,
       Which put me quite beside my Tan-tivee,

She took off her head-tire, and show'd her bald pate,
       Her cunning did very much grieve me,
Thought I to myself, “If it were not so late,
       I would home to my lodgings, believe me!”
Her hair being gone, she seem'd like a hagg,
Her bald-pate did look like an Estritche's egg,
“This lady” thought I “Is as right as my leg,
       She hath been too much at Tan-tivee.”

The more I did peep, the more I did spy,
       Which did to amazement drive me;
She put up her finger, and out dropt her eye,
       I pray'd that some power would relieve me;
But now my resolve was never to trouble her,
Or venture my carkis with such a blind hobbler.
She look'd with one eye just like Hewson the Cobler,
       When he us'd to ride Tan-tivee.

I peept, and was still more perplex'd therewith;
       Thought I, “Tho't be midnight I'le leave thee;
She fetcht a yawn, and out fell her teeth,
       This quean had intents to deceive me;
She drew out her handkerchief, as I suppose,
To wipe her high fore-head, and off dropt her nose,
Which made me run quickly and put on my hose,
       “The Devil is in my Tan-tivee!”

She washt all the paint from her visage, and then
       She look'd just (if you will believe me)
Like a Lancashire Witch of four-score and ten,
       And as if the devil did drive me
I put on my cloathes and cry'd, “Witches and whores!”
I tumbl'd down stairs, broke open the doors,
And down to my country again to my Boors
       Next morning I rid Tan-tivee.' "_

https://www.mustrad.org.uk/articles/dung05.htm


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## feywon (Nov 7, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Does that make you a Hawaiian, British Virgin Island, French person, (or the other way around?)?


It makes her human being who is able to live in a variety of locales and be 'at home' to some degree.  

And i would hope you realize that being 'from' someplace  is pretty meaningless in this modern world where so many people are so mobile.  When people ask me where i'm from i usually ask them to be more specific:  Where was i born, early childhood, teens, where i've lived the longest, where i live now?  Generalizations and stereotypes about national  or regional 'character' traits are as meaningless as racial, religious and gender ones.


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## Pepper (Nov 7, 2021)

Human Being, Planet Earth @feywon @Shero


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## Gaer (Nov 7, 2021)

@Ronni and @Ruth Ann:
The same as you!
Hard to scrape yourself from the floor when there is nothing left of you.
and,
back then there were no "safe houses"  to protect us and our children, as there are today.
But,
We made it through and we are stronger for it!


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## Shero (Nov 7, 2021)

feywon said:


> It makes her human being who is able to live in a variety of locales and be 'at home' to some degree.
> 
> And i would hope you realize that being 'from' someplace  is pretty meaningless in this modern world where so many people are so mobile.  When people ask me where i'm from i usually ask them to be more specific:  Where was i born, early childhood, teens, where i've lived the longest, where i live now?  Generalizations and stereotypes about national  or regional 'character' traits are as meaningless as racial, religious and gender ones.



Graham meant no harm. I was not in the least offended feywon! I do not see anything wrong in his curiosity.


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## grahamg (Nov 7, 2021)

Shero said:


> Graham meant no harm. I was not in the least offended feywon! I do not see anything wrong in his curiosity.


I was once asked my name (by a lady whose first name was "Ruvinnie"), and when I told her Graham, she said "No, your surname"!

I stood corrected, because she was right, I hadn't identified myself by just giving her my Christian name, (this was at a conference, where the lady carried some weight, and the other interesting thing was the reaction of some other delegates when she approached me, they "skeddadled"!).

If everyone answered the question, "Where are you from"?, by stating "The Earth", there would obviously be no reason to ask the question. It doesn't mean I stereotype people by their country of birth, or nationality, but people do have differing experiences based upon where they grew up etc., and this is of interest, if not healthy intrigue, if its a land I'm unfamiliar with, or have never knowingly conversed with anyone from that land.

Now back to the business of "knocking our exes"!


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## Maryatrics (Nov 7, 2021)

My Ex who I divorced back in 1993 after 15 years of marriage was just a very controlling man. I will leave it at that because he was still the father of my daughter and the grandfather of my grandson. He passed away in 2020 from complications of Covid-19.


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## grahamg (Nov 7, 2021)

feywon said:


> It makes her human being who is able to live in a variety of locales and be 'at home' to some degree.
> 
> And i would hope you realize that being 'from' someplace  is pretty meaningless in this modern world where so many people are so mobile.  When people ask me where i'm from i usually ask them to be more specific:  Where was i born, early childhood, teens, where i've lived the longest, where i live now?  Generalizations and stereotypes about national  or regional 'character' traits are as meaningless as racial, religious and gender ones.


Are you a human being or an algorithm, (rhetorical question, no need to answer of course!)?
People used to ask where I come from, "Which cricket team do you support"?, (they thought this significant at the time, though funnily enough I don't always support my own country's sports teams, especially if they're behaving arrogantly in my view).

Do jump in on whoever's behalf you feel the need to, " I'm sure they appreciate it"!


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## feywon (Nov 8, 2021)

Shero said:


> Graham meant no harm. I was not in the least offended feywon! I do not see anything wrong in his curiosity.





grahamg said:


> Do jump in on whoever's behalf you feel the need to, " I'm sure they appreciate it"!


Actually i didn't do it on  Shero's 'behalf' i know she's quite capable of speaking for herself. 
It was just an observation.


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## grahamg (Nov 8, 2021)

feywon said:


> Actually i didn't do it on  Shero's 'behalf' i know she's quite capable of speaking for herself. It was just an observation.


Anyone "jumping in on behalf of someone" could claim that though, not that I'm doubting you in any way, and the matters surely closed since the forum member who might have disliked my question didn't!


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## charry (Nov 8, 2021)

GreAt Thread Grahamg 
I can let it all  out 

My ex was one obnoxious , controlling , nasty bully........who could never control me lol
So out he went, ,!......pathetic man.........


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## grahamg (Nov 8, 2021)

charry said:


> GreAt Thread Grahamg
> I can let it all  out
> My ex was one obnoxious , controlling , nasty bully........who could never control me lol
> So out he went, ,!......pathetic man.........


"I think I can see what's you're coming from there"!  

The word "controlling" turns up quite often I feel, as to what went wrong, but when you try to think about my fathers estimation of what it meant to get married, "It was like entering a boxing ring"! (a psychological boxing ring he meant), even happy marriages can be a rocky road can't they!


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## grahamg (Nov 8, 2021)

More expert opinion:
https://www.today.com/health/why-couples-get-divorced-t117476

"Why do couples divorce? These 6 reasons are often to blame
Divorce is common in the U.S., but why? What makes a couple decide to throw in the towel? A relationship expert weighs in.

By Bela Gandhi
More recent breakups by celebrities lead them to talk publicly about their decision to split with their spouses — to the chagrin of fans who, from the outside, saw happy and stable marriages.
And its not just celebrities who are calling it quits: According to the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention,  by the first five years of marriage, 22 percent of couples experience some form of "marital disruption," which refers to separation, divorce or death. After 20 years of marriage, 53 percent of marriages have been disrupted."


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## Maryatrics (Nov 8, 2021)

grahamg said:


> More expert opinion:
> https://www.today.com/health/why-couples-get-divorced-t117476
> 
> "Why do couples divorce? These 6 reasons are often to blame
> ...


I lasted 15 years.


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## DaveA (Nov 8, 2021)

grahamg said:


> I can see some people are struggling with the thread topic so here is a bit of research into it:
> 
> https://www.divorce-online.co.uk/blog/reasons-for-divorce/
> 
> ...


And this is just the list put forward by those "mysterious Ex's".  

Now let's have the list of fault found by the "victims".  Before reading some of these forums, I never knew there was such an evil group as "the ex's".  Hope I never run across one!


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## grahamg (Nov 8, 2021)

DaveA said:


> And this is just the list put forward by those "mysterious Ex's".
> 
> Now let's have the list of fault found by the "victims".  Before reading some of these forums, I never knew there was such an evil group as "the ex's".  Hope I never run across one!


Just for the record, my ex wasn't evil, as far as I'm aware no one else discussing their exes on this thread have called them evil, so carry on in whatever way you wish, but please don't mislead or obsfucate on this thread, if you don't mind!


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## grahamg (Nov 8, 2021)

Maryatrics said:


> I lasted 15 years.


Hero, anyone lasting more than seven years has my admiration!


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## Maryatrics (Nov 9, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Hero, anyone lasting more than seven years has my admiration!


After that I was also in a long term relationship for many years after my divorce until he asked me to move across the United States for his job and also marry him. I could not give up my career and also move away from my family so I declined and he went away. I have not been in a relationship since.


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## Shero (Nov 9, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Hero, anyone lasting more than seven years has my admiration!


How about 40 years, as in my case?


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## grahamg (Nov 9, 2021)

Shero said:


> How about 40 years, as in my case?


Double hero, or heroine in my view!


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## Shero (Nov 9, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Double hero, or heroine in my view!
> 
> View attachment 193682



.Very sweet, thank you!


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## Feelslikefar (Nov 9, 2021)

First wife might have fallen for the old 'Man in Uniform' thing.

Like many who married into it, the time away can take a toll on a marriage.
Not your typical 9 to 5 type job.
She just couldn't handle the moving and me being away so much.

Never faulted her for that. She explained and I accepted it.

My wife now of 34 years, is a strong, supportive lady. 
Given all the things I have asked of her over the years, we are closer than ever.

Sorry, didn't mean to get side-tracked.


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## garyt1957 (Nov 9, 2021)

My ex was a wonderful person,  better than I  deserved,  it just wasn't the right time.  My current is exactly the same.  Ive been lucky.


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## DaveA (Nov 9, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Just for the record, my ex wasn't evil, as far as I'm aware no one else discussing their exes on this thread have called them evil, so carry on in whatever way you wish, but please don't mislead or obsfucate on this thread, if you don't mind!


Well, well - - I learned a new word today, "obsfucate".   Thought I'd try it out.

My wife asked me to do an  unpleasant task and in answer, I said, "Why don't you go and obsfucate yourself?"  She didn't bat an eyelash and said, "Just take out the trash and be quick about it!"  Guess I didn't quite impress her with my "new word".


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## grahamg (Nov 9, 2021)

charry said:


> GreAt Thread Grahamg
> I can let it all  out
> My ex was one obnoxious , controlling , nasty bully........who could never control me lol
> So out he went, ,!......pathetic man.........


I forgot to mention, in relation to men trying to control their wives, the comments made by Gandhi, (yes the Mehatma), who as you may remember trained as a lawyer before becoming active politically, and demanding independence from "the British Raj", had married and learnt a lesson, or was taught a lesson by his wife.

Believe it or not, this obviously highly intelligent man, according to his autobiography, did not want his new wife going out of their house alone, or without him, and she chose to defy this unreasonable stricture, (completely unfathomable to us today, in western societies, but a very different situation in his country a hundred plus years ago).

So being a control freak isn't confined to just the unintelligent, though in his case he did learn the error of his ways!


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## Ladybj (Nov 9, 2021)

Not ready for Gold - so chose stone instead


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## grahamg (Nov 9, 2021)

DaveA said:


> Well, well - - I learned a new word today, "obsfucate".   Thought I'd try it out.
> My wife asked me to do an  unpleasant task and in answer, I said, "Why don't you go and obsfucate yourself?"  She didn't bat an eyelash and said, "Just take out the trash and be quick about it!"  Guess I didn't quite impress her with my "new word".


You may need to practise using your new word a little, cos its a goodun ya knows, and can't be tossed around willy nilly, (glad to hear you're obeying the missus though!).


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## grahamg (Nov 10, 2021)

Ladybj said:


> Not ready for Gold - so chose stone instead



What anniversary is that I wonder, all I could find doing a search was this for early ones:


Wedding Anniversary OccasionTraditional ThemeModern ThemeAnniversary Gift Sugges...1st YearPaperClocks2nd YearCottonChina3rd YearLeatherCrystal/Glass


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## grahamg (Nov 10, 2021)

garyt1957 said:


> My ex was a wonderful person,  better than I  deserved,  it just wasn't the right time.  My current is exactly the same.  Ive been lucky.


We all have to learn in life, though have to admit there "For richer, for poorer, for better or worse etc.," section of the marriage vows was too great a call for many of us!


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## grahamg (Nov 10, 2021)

Feelslikefar said:


> First wife might have fallen for the old 'Man in Uniform' thing.
> Like many who married into it, the time away can take a toll on a marriage.
> Not your typical 9 to 5 type job. She just couldn't handle the moving and me being away so much. Never faulted her for that. She explained and I accepted it. My wife now of 34 years, is a strong, supportive lady. Given all the things I have asked of her over the years, we are closer than ever. Sorry, didn't mean to get side-tracked.


An old neighbour of mine, whose husband Jack died just before I moved in to her street, told me about her wartime experience when newly married and pregnant her husband was sent overseas and didn't return to the UK for seven years!
They'd have to get to know one another again wouldn't they, and he'd have to get to know his son and vice versa, which they managed and lived very happily together, (though she unfortunately couldn't have more children by this time she said).


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## grahamg (Nov 10, 2021)

Shero said:


> .Very sweet, thank you!


You must have a very good heart too!


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## grahamg (Nov 10, 2021)

Maryatrics said:


> After that I was also in a long term relationship for many years after my divorce until he asked me to move across the United States for his job and also marry him. I could not give up my career and also move away from my family so I declined and he went away. I have not been in a relationship since.


I once had a girlfriend whose marriage had failed after she declined the chance to move herself and their two children to Hong Kong where he'd found a very good job. He formed a relationship with a local girl over there and they had a child together, and my friend had the awful experience of this "new wife" turning up at her door to announce she now had first claim on him, (shock enough for anyone obviously!)!


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## Shero (Nov 10, 2021)

grahamg said:


> You must have a very good heart too!


That is for others to judge if they wish, but thank you for saying that


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## Ruthanne (Nov 10, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Thanks for commenting, and thanks even more for showing restraint because the thread would get out of hand without it I think you'll agree, (I didn't go into the cheating and lying of my ex., and the other unreasonable stuff, that looking back on it so many years on, showed just how incompatible we were!).


You are most welcome!


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## Ruthanne (Nov 10, 2021)

Gaer said:


> @Ronni and @Ruth Ann:
> The same as you!
> Hard to scrape yourself from the floor when there is nothing left of you.
> and,
> ...


Yes definitely!  I no longer feel like a doormat.


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## grahamg (Nov 11, 2021)

Shero said:


> That is for others to judge if they wish, but thank you for saying that


I think you have to have heart to stay married, and not spend all your life worrying yourself or your partner/spouse about petty things(?).


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## grahamg (Nov 11, 2021)

More divorce info:
https://www.psycom.net/divorce-culture
​*STATE OF THE (DIS)UNION: A BRIEF HISTORY*​Divorce is such a pervasive, buzzed-about and ever-present part of our social fabric that it can feel, at times, as if everyone’s doing it—or at least thinking about it. Statistically, we know that’s not actually the case: The well-worn data about 50 percent of all marriages ending in divorce no longer holds true—these days, it’s closer to around 40 percent, due to factors like people waiting longer and longer to get married. (According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the median age for first marriages reached an all-time high in 2018 at 30 years for men and 28 years for women.)

Break

*DIVORCE AND THE OUTSIDE WORLD*​Whether we’re devouring all the dirt on the latest celebrity split or swapping secrets at book club, there’s no denying it: Other people’s breakups are an endless source of fascination and speculation. “There is some vicarious pleasure in it,” 

But schadenfreude isn’t the only—or main—fuel for our curiosity. The real reason is that the dissolution of others’ relationships hits us close to home, literally. “It makes us confront our own feelings,”  “When you see a friend getting divorce, it’s very scary, because you know it could happen to you.” It’s especially destabilizing if the news seemingly comes out of the blue sky. “When it’s a couple that everyone thought had their act together, it makes you wonder, ‘What things am I not seeing in my own marriage?’”

Which explains, then, why there’s a collective eagerness to “get to the bottom” of what really happened in a divorce. “People need to know that someone is at fault—it helps them understand and feel like they have a handle on it,” . After all, knowledge is power. “The sense is, ‘The more I can learn about the problems and details, the better I will be at making sure this doesn’t happen to me,’” .

Under the guise of compassion, we pepper the divorcing individuals with probing questions. “People’s inquiries are in part supportive, in part fact-finding, and in part to pat themselves on the back for not going through the same thing,”  A natural—but unfortunate—byproduct is the inclination to take sides.

Unsurprisingly, the majority of us tend to stick with the horse we rode in on. “Most people line up behind their closer friends and blood relatives,”.  This impulse can seem unfair or even downright cruel to the individuals on the wrong end of the equation., “One woman told me she had come to terms with losing her spouse, but the ongoing grief she felt about losing her in-laws has caught her off-guard.”

Once lines have been drawn in the sand, it’s difficult for people to carry on having a positive relationship with both parties. “Mutual friends often feel conflicted about who to side with,”. “Trying to maintain relationships with both feels like a betrayal to one or both of the spouses.”

Break

Although society is giving a gentler pass to divorcing couples, they may not be extending themselves the same courtesy; much of the judgment around divorce is self-imposed. “There is a sense that a divorce is a failure rather than another chapter in life,”.  “You think, ‘I wasn’t able to make this work, I’m embarrassed,’ and you assume that other people are usually judging you as harshly as you’re judging yourself, which is not usually the case.”

We’re even physiologically wired to suffer through divorce. Researchers who’ve delved into the neuroscience of romantic love have tracked the brain’s response to loss and rejection. They observed that the end of a relationship activates, among other areas, the parts of the brain that house our reward and survival systems. It turns out that we are—just like the pop song warned—addicted to love, as dependent on it as we would be to a substance like cocaine. So it follows, then, that when that drug is taken away from us, it can trigger obsessive, wildly out-of-control thoughts and behaviors.

Unfortunately, the frequently excruciating aspects of divorce are not short-lived. “It typically takes people one to two years to recover,”  That might seem extreme, until you consider that divorce touches upon virtually every aspect of normal existence.  “Everything is in upheaval. Divorce brings about so many changes—and at a time when you’re also feeling rejected, angry, betrayed and terrified.”


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## grahamg (Nov 11, 2021)

One that lasted, (I went to the wedding btw):



Fifty years on:


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## grahamg (Nov 11, 2021)

FastTrax said:


> Peter Falk too. He was one of the biggest skirt chasers in Hollywood. Shera Danese Falk knew it too. The tabloids said 99% of the skirts he chased he caught. He, Ben Gazzara and John Cassavetes were tight. Poor Dick Cavett.


Those committing adultery must have a fairly strong psychological make up in my view, especially those intending to leave their marriage because they know they'll be uncovered, or perhaps desire inflicting this news on their souse/partner.


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## Sassycakes (Nov 12, 2021)

My Parents celebrated 63 yrs of marriage a month before my Dad passed away a month before their 64th Anniversary. My Hubby and I are married over 50 yrs now.
.


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