# Aging and Friendships



## jnos (Dec 5, 2015)

Reading a few other threads here brought this to mind. I'm a late 60's female who had friends galore when I was younger. Now I think it's because I made them a priority. Over the years, moves, job changes, deaths, etc. it seems I have no close friends left. 

 The past few years I've been over involved with business, jobs, family caretaking and have let friends drop.  Is this common at my age or is it me? I meet a lot of women my age where there's an almost immediate mutual "like" between us. Even though in my head I want to encourage a friendship, it's seems like too much effort. Is that crazy or what?

Are there others here who can relate?


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## SeaBreeze (Dec 5, 2015)

Throughout my life I never had, or wanted, a lot of friends.  I usually had a couple of close ones and that was good enough for me.  Like you, over the years, I've been very busy with working full time (and overtime) and tending to other things involving my home and family. 

 We also were caretakers in our home for my in laws, when they were elderly and in failing health, it was better than having either of them go to a nursing home, and we were happy to do it and make their final years as pleasurable as possible.  So, there was no time on the side for hanging out with friends.  Today, my best friend is my husband, and I have another close friend that I visit maybe once a year, exchange cards with and speak to occasionally on the phone.


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## applecruncher (Dec 5, 2015)

Hi jnos.  I don’t think it’s uncommon.

As the years roll by, people move, change jobs, have health issues, divorce, connect with others who they relate to better, sometimes their lives become too full of drama……..and stuff happens.

What do I mean by “stuff”? Well, over the past 10 yrs several long-term friendships either drifted or formally ended because:

- Person got deeply involved in religion and became pushy about trying to convert me
- I suspected friend was stabbing me in the back – I was right
- Friend had a nasty temper that flared up one time too many
- Friend’s spouse and I intensely disliked each other

Also, as I get older I just don’t feel like ripping and running all the time.


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## jujube (Dec 5, 2015)

I think it's very common.  As we get older, we develop our little idiosyncrasies and lose patience with others' idiosyncrasies.  After a while, it becomes easier to just put up with the ones you HAVE to put up with and drop out of contact with the others.


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## Shalimar (Dec 5, 2015)

Perhaps I am atypical, but I still enjoy making new friends of all ages. Although unwilling to put up with crap, providing the individual is a kind and compassionate person, and treats me with respect, I am quite willing to be mellow about their idiosyncrasies, as I hope they will be about mine. I still prize true connection above almost all things.


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## SifuPhil (Dec 5, 2015)

With the exception of the mermaid's comments I agree with all of the above posters.

Why?

Because I became a self-labeled "monk" after my divorce and pretty much fell off the face of the earth. Old school friends - yes, we were tight back in the day, but those days are gone. We've all changed and we have little in common anymore. Perhaps the only thing we DID have was that we were thrown together 6-8 hours a day.

Life gets in the way, certainly, unless like Shali you _make_ time to make friends.

For me it's just too much effort now, and being as I'm becoming a cranky old man if I DID make any friends I'd probably hate them anyway.


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## applecruncher (Dec 5, 2015)

Most of the good friendships that I’ve have/had happened by accident.  I’ve never thought “I want to make some new friends”.

However, to maintain a friendship requires effort and nurturing.  I _make_ time to spend with people whose relationship I value, and they do the same for me.


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## Lady (Dec 5, 2015)

Ive never had many friends ,and at times i wish i had and i felt lonely,, but now i like my own company more than ever before , I do a lot of outings by myself .So this means i can choose where i go and when  without the hassle of pleasing anyone else ..
I have given it some thought about when i depart this life and I cannot think of anyone apart from family who will be there ...


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## imp (Dec 5, 2015)

jnos said:


> Reading a few other threads here brought this to mind. I'm a late 60's female who had friends galore when I was younger. Now I think it's because I made them a priority. Over the years, moves, job changes, deaths, etc. it seems I have no close friends left.
> 
> ..... Even though in my head I want to encourage a friendship, it's seems like too much effort. Is that crazy or what?
> 
> *Are there others here who can relate*?



Most definitely! While my wife and I were still employed, many friends were actually co-workers. Having been out of the "rat-race" now for quite awhile and having moved cross-country a number of times, we find now that we have essentially no friends, neither of us ('ceptin' those on this here forum!). We have of late wondered what resulting difficulties my wife will be faced with, should I croak suddenly, and she remains with no friends for companionship.

I expect advice recommending Senior Clubs, that sort of thing. Somehow, we seem uncomfortable with meeting strangers. Is THAT crazy or what?   

imp


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## Ina (Dec 5, 2015)

No imp, 
  That's not crazy. My husband and I tried to go to our senior citizen's club before he became ill.  WE started out going to their bingo games, and we went a couple of months, but no one would talk to us.  We tried to make conversations with many of them, but it was as if we were intruders.  So we closed ourselves off to any posibilty of anyway to make friends, which was our own fault.

Now that I'm by myself, I find that I can cry forever, or I can reach out.  I am starting to build a new family and friendships now.  If you don't try, there is nothing to gain.  :wave:


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## Shalimar (Dec 5, 2015)

I applaud your honesty and courage Ina. It is possible to make new family and friends even in our senior years. Closing one's self off can often be a form of slow emotional suicide. If a person takes the risk of reaching out, there are good people out 

there. I know from personal experience-at one point I had lost almost everything I valued, but I started over, and now have a full--if very different life.


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## imp (Dec 5, 2015)

Ina said:


> No imp,
> That's not crazy. My husband and I tried to go to our senior citizen's club before he became ill.  W*E started out going to their bingo games, and we went a couple of months, but no one would talk to us.*  We tried to make conversations with many of them, but it was as if we were intruders.  So we closed ourselves off to any posibilty of anyway to make friends, which was our own fault.
> 
> Now that I'm by myself, I find that I can cry forever, or I can reach out.  I am starting to build a new family and friendships now.  If you don't try, there is nothing to gain.  :wave:



Ina, I suspect from your experience, the folks you attempted to communicate with were a lot like folks who congregate on social networks: I find that a kind of "fold" develops, I hesitate to say "clique", in which groups seem to resent "intruders". Add this to the general suspicion many exhibit of others, and there it is. 

Your simply "being here" with us is heartening to us, me anyway, I should not be presumptuous by saying "us", I  suppose, and may just prove to work that way for you, too!  imp


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## Aurora (Dec 8, 2015)

The notion that younger people make friends easily and older people do not make
friends much is ancient wisdom. Aristotle mentions this in his Ethics that is dated
to about 330 B.C.

It is true except maybe for my mother, and she lost
friends only because she outlived them.

Many married couples count each other as their best friends and they do not want others,
or if they do, the phone is the usual or only waY they keep in touch.


Or you soon find that you nothing much in common.


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## Debby (Dec 8, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> I applaud your honesty and courage Ina. It is possible to make new family and friends even in our senior years. Closing one's self off can often be a form of slow emotional suicide. If a person takes the risk of reaching out, there are good people out
> 
> there. I know from personal experience-at one point I had lost almost everything I valued, but I started over, and now have a full-*-if very different life.*




Maybe that's the secret.  Accepting that the relationship will be different than the ones we had when we were young.  Do we subconsciously hope for the same kind of relationships that are extremely close, lots of time spent together, checking with one another before going out, whatever your 'younger day' relationships were like, when what we really want is something where we can hook up for an hour over coffee once a month and that's good enough?

And then when the feelings aren't the same, we're disappointed because they don't match the fantasy?  Maybe the secret is adjusting the fantasy.


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## Shalimar (Dec 8, 2015)

There is a lot of truth in what you say, I think, Debby. My expectations are certainly different than they were when I was young. I still prize human connection above almost all else, but am far less emotionally needy. I don't expect anyone to fix or 

complete me. I have accepted I will never be mainstream, but always a bit odd. Lol.  While I will always be a depth junkie, I also value those relationships that are lighter, filled with laughter and play--the balance works for me! I still experience a 

marvelous closeness with some wonderful people--it is just a more mature relationship, full of tolerance and appreciation for both the foibles and strengths we share. It is good. In learning to be alone, I have become a far more emotionally available, 

empathetic friend.


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## Shalimar (Dec 8, 2015)

Debby, a final thought. One of the blessings of this latter part of my life, has been the opportunity to meet and cherish family of choice, rather than remaining totally dependent on family of origin to meet those needs. Sometimes, relatives just don't relate!


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## SifuPhil (Dec 9, 2015)

My "family" has been an amorphous thing over the years since most of my "real" family has passed. It used to be my school chums - then college buddies - then co-workers - always centered around some geographic or occupational concerns.

With the advent of the Internet the doors flew open wide and I began to add "family" members from China, Thailand, Puerto Rico - basically a world family. 

So we're not in physical contact - so what? It's all about the mind at a certain point, anyway ...


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## GeorgiaXplant (Dec 11, 2015)

I'd prize human connection if I had any.


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## Shalimar (Dec 11, 2015)

Georgia, can't some of us on sf be your connections?


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## AprilT (Dec 11, 2015)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> I'd prize human connection if I had any.




Ah does someone need a :bighug:Oh wait, it's still automated and not up close and personal.  Wish it could be in person, but, it's the best I've got in the moment.


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## Shalimar (Dec 11, 2015)

Don't know if it helps Georgia, but lots of us here really like you! Huge Canadian holiday hugs!


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## SifuPhil (Dec 11, 2015)

AprilT said:


> Ah does someone need a :bighug:Oh wait, it's still automated and not up close and personal.  Wish it could be in person, but, it's the best I've got in the moment.



Whoever invents working virtual hugs will be a billionaire.


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## SifuPhil (Dec 11, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Don't know if it helps Georgia, but lots of us here really like you!



Seconded. :love_heart:


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## applecruncher (Dec 11, 2015)

Thirded :love_heart:


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## fureverywhere (Dec 11, 2015)

Yes folks, G-d Bless...I miss the co-workers at my old job, have a best buddy but not a whole bunch of real live social contacts. Maybe the next job who knows, we moved a lot. Just at my old job there were a bunch of folks, over 50 perhaps over 70. If you were having a day you could say " Miss Anna or Ms. Felicia I need a hug!". Ms. Felicia towered over me...what beautiful hugs. I do miss that.


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## Butterfly (Dec 12, 2015)

fureverywhere said:


> Yes folks, G-d Bless...I miss the co-workers at my old job, have a best buddy but not a whole bunch of real live social contacts. Maybe the next job who knows, we moved a lot. Just at my old job there were a bunch of folks, over 50 perhaps over 70. If you were having a day you could say " Miss Anna or Ms. Felicia I need a hug!". Ms. Felicia towered over me...what beautiful hugs. I do miss that.



I know, Fur.  At my last job, I liked everyone there except my boss, who was a mean spirited, micromanaging egomaniac (and that's putting it mildly).  I miss them (except for the boss).  They've all left there now, too.  And I, too, miss the live social contacts and the camaraderie and sense of joint purpose.  It's one of the bad parts of retirement. 

I"ll take a hug, too.


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## oldman (Dec 12, 2015)

I never knew how few of friends that I had. After I left United, my 'friends' seemed to have all disappeared. I guess they must have just been friendly and so-called acquaintances. My wife is the one that still has friends, but she goes out of her way to keep everyone in the loop and keeps her coral close. Me, not so much. Like others here, I fined keeping friends close a huge effort, which I am no longer willing to do. I have one or two real friends and I am good with that. I lost a good friend just this week. Well, I didn't lose him, he died and he was buried yesterday. Just makes me sad when I think back to my working days, I couldn't keep people away. Now, I have trouble wanting to be bothered.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Dec 12, 2015)

Guys, I didn't y'all! I meant face-to-face people. If I didn't have this board, I'd be alone except for Tucker, my perfectly good cat.

Living right across the hall from my daughter's house means I'm not "really" alone, but they are their own family with their own lives and things to do. It's not that I'm excluded, though. I can't explain it. I'm here but not there? Guess you'd have to have the same kind of situation to get it.

And thanks for the virtual hugs. Even if not in person, they're still hugs.


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## Bobw235 (Dec 12, 2015)

My wife is the one who makes the social connections with friends and gets us out to do things with other couples.  For me personally, true friendships have always been difficult.  The best friends of my younger days died early and it hit hard.  I have connections at work, but no true close friendships.  They are more colleagues and certainly I'll keep in touch after I retire, but there's not that one person in whom I'd confide or share more personal thoughts.  I do wish I had at least one close male friend, someone to watch football with on a Sunday, or go hiking with when the weather is good.  I miss that connection.  My wife is my best friend and has been for a long time.


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## Agman (Dec 12, 2015)

Bobw235 said:


> My wife is the one who makes the social connections with friends and gets us out to do things with other couples.  For me personally, true friendships have always been difficult.  The best friends of my younger days died early and it hit hard.  I have connections at work, but no true close friendships.  They are more colleagues and certainly I'll keep in touch after I retire, but there's not that one person in whom I'd confide or share more personal thoughts.  I do wish I had at least one close male friend, someone to watch football with on a Sunday, or go hiking with when the weather is good.  I miss that connection.  My wife is my best friend and has been for a long time.



*Same here, Bob.  The county we live in has a population of 8,000 and our nearest neighbors are miles away.  I used to love to get together with 5 or 6 of my motorcycle riding buddies before we bought the ranch and now I ride my road bikes and my dirt bike alone all over the country.  There are church gatherings about once a month.  My wife is my workout partner in the Home Gym and fast walking partner on our county road.  The ranchers who I have become acquainted with are like us...they work 10 hours a day and 7 days a week.  Not much time left for social interaction.  We love this lifestyle, however, and will never regret buying the ranch.  Retirement has been wonderful so far.   *


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## applecruncher (Dec 12, 2015)

> I have connections at work, but no true close friendships. They are more colleagues and certainly I'll keep in touch after I retire, but there's not that one person in whom I'd confide or share more personal thoughts.



The work friendships can be “iffy”.  And sharing personal things with a work colleague ….well, usually not a good idea.

But two of my close friends are people I used to work with. When we worked together we got along very well, but weren’t really friends.  After moving on to different jobs, we crossed paths and started to socialize.


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## Butterfly (Dec 12, 2015)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> Guys, I didn't y'all! I meant face-to-face people. If I didn't have this board, I'd be alone except for Tucker, my perfectly good cat.
> 
> Living right across the hall from my daughter's house means I'm not "really" alone, but they are their own family with their own lives and things to do. It's not that I'm excluded, though. I can't explain it. I'm here but not there? Guess you'd have to have the same kind of situation to get it.
> 
> And thanks for the virtual hugs. Even if not in person, they're still hugs.



Georgia, I DO know exactly what you mean.   It's almost impossible to explain -- it's kind of like I used to be right in the great big middle of the tapestry of life, but have now moved off into the background somehow.  "The old order changeth, yielding place to new . . . ."


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## SifuPhil (Dec 13, 2015)

Butterfly said:


> "The old order changeth, yielding place to new . . . ."



Lord Tennyson, _The Death of Arthur_.

Nice. :encouragement:


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## BeachLover1952 (Dec 15, 2015)

Well I can relate to that. I've got plenty of friends before whom I haven't seen personally for years, even decades, now. Facebook gives me the opportunity to communicate with them, but that's about it. I still have my best friend though. Haven't seen her since 2009 as she's currently living in Vietnam. It does help to socialize, but you can't really guarantee that those interactions would be transformed into real friendships, which I do prefer. Yes, we do grow wiser as we age, therefore we know how to sift through them. And I prefer quality over quantity.  Better to be alone than to put up with those who are a pain in the neck.


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## Shalimar (Dec 15, 2015)

The biggest barrier around friendships has always been my past. All the empathy in the world cannot cross some chasms of experience. No matter how wonderful my friends are, how warm and honest our connection, for me there is always be a 

slight feeling of being on the outside of a glass wall looking in. Fortunately, as I grow older I find it easier to accept. I may not get the whole enchilada, but half ain't bad either.


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## Linda (Dec 15, 2015)

I moved a lot, plus was in a weird church for 35 years so never really had close friends other than family and a couple long time pen pals.  Now I live in the mts around a bunch of rednecks, pot farmers, ladies who are crazy about horses, or oddly enough a ton of people retired from the aerospace industry so I don't have any old friends to outgrow or miss.  I'm glad I have family and wish I had friends who were more than just ones to talk to over the fence twice a year.  The "over the fence" neighbors are the type who need to STAY over the fence though.  I'm hoping someday to move into town and get involved in senior activities before I am to old to do anything.


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## nitelite (Jan 16, 2016)

I can relate.


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## SifuPhil (Jan 16, 2016)

Shalimar said:


> I may not get the whole enchilada, but half ain't bad either.


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