# Shying away from men



## Stormy (Jun 23, 2015)

I'm a newby and haven't posted much since I joined but its not because of some things said in that other thread today.  This place has been a godsend for me, I lurk and learn and smile when I feel like crying.  I read all the posts in politics too and even though some people here are set off about some things they are really not mean to each other and I like that.  i might not post much, still working on getting it all together. I've been in a bad relationship with a live in boyfriend who was very abusive to me physically and mentally and very controlling.  I didn't want him to even move in with me but he insisted he likes to dominate me.  I'm finally free of him because he found somebody else and is supposed to get married.  What a relief for me.  I don't even like to talk about him it depresses me, so much wasted time unhappy.

I'm old now and retired and not very interested in the ****** part of a relationship, I don't want any relationships anymore really.  I have to find myself again and do the things I want, not somebody else.  Has anybody had such a bad experience with a man that you don't want anything to do with them anymore?  A lot of them seem to be controlling and I'm so sick of that. I know I'm part to blame because I let them.I'm sure there are good men out there, but I have no interest to bother finding one. thanks for putting up with my rant.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Jun 23, 2015)

Unfortunately,statistics say that if you have been in one abusive relationship,the chances are good that you will gravitate toward the same kind of man. Sad but true. My daughter was able to change that but I know most go back to the same. So if you are happy alone,that`s probably a very good place to be,at least for the time being. Get to know yourself again and get comfortable in your own skin. Then if the right man comes along,you will recognize him as that.


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## Lon (Jun 23, 2015)

Sorry that you have had such a bad experience but old and retired beats being dead Get on with life and find new interests.


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## Warrigal (Jun 23, 2015)

Support groups can be very empowering. 
See if you can find other women who understand what you have been through and where you are now.
If you don't know where to find them I would consult a counsellor and ask about such groups.


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## Glinda (Jun 23, 2015)

Dame Warrigal said:


> Support groups can be very empowering.
> See if you can find other women who understand what you have been through and where you are now.
> If you don't know where to find them I would consult a counsellor and ask about such groups.



Stormy, you might check with AARP for a referral to a support group, or, if you're a church-goer, your minister, or your physician.  And, of course, we are your support group too.  Take care.


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## QuickSilver (Jun 24, 2015)

Stormy...  It's very understandable that you would be cautious to say the least when it comes to men.  Once burned.. twice shy..  is the old saying..  But that said, I think that as we women age, we develop a very different attitude and interact with men very differently than we did as younger women..  That's called maturing.  No more mating dance... no more flirtacious little hair flips... and certainly no more eagerness to  please.   I believe that mature women relate to men more as equals and dismiss men who continue to try to make it about sex and romance.  Some men appreciate that.. some don't.     So.. it COULD be your passed experience... OR perhaps you have simply grown up and can find contentment and value in yourself  with no need for validation from the opposite sex?   and that's not a bad thing.


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## SeaBreeze (Jun 24, 2015)

I'm glad you're out of that situation Stormy, and you appear to have it together already, as you're not in denial about what was happening and you are aware for the future.  Definitely nothing wrong with being alone if you don't find someone naturally who is kind and caring.  I had a couple of boyfriends that were jerks when I was very young, luckily I got rid of them quickly.  My husband now of almost forty years is a wonderful man who treats me good, so they are out there to be sure.  Good luck and think positive, you have a lot of friends here to talk to if you feel like it. :love_heart:


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## Shalimar (Jun 24, 2015)

Congratulations for making it out of,that abusive relationship, Stormy. We are here for you, if you need us. Hugs.


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## oakapple (Jun 24, 2015)

Welcome Stormy :cheerful:

Don't  rush into  finding someone to share your life Stormy, take your time and enjoy doing things your own way for a while.


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## Stormy (Jun 24, 2015)

I want to thank everybody here for being so nice and for your advice.  I can talk to my old girlfriend now, so she's been helping me sort things out.  For a long time I had a problem just calling her, he didn't want me talking to any friends I don't have to worry about that anymore.  Thanks again, I appreciate it.


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## charlotta (Jun 24, 2015)

Stormy, I am glad you are out of the abusive relationship.  Don't feel badly about not wanting to get into another.  Take this time to do the things you want to do and rejoice in that you have the time to do it.  Believe in yourself.  There is nothing wrong in not wanting to get into another relationship.  You are needing time to get to know yourself again. Take the time to enjoy your journey.   I understand what you have been through.


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## Butterfly (Jul 2, 2015)

Hi, Stormy!  Relax and enjoy the time as the mistress of your own life.  Do or don't do what you do or don't want to do.  You can be quite content on your own and may find that you really enjoy your autonomy.  I live alone and I LIKE it -- nobody to account to, nobody to worry about, nobody to try to please.  It is really VERY peaceful. 

And for heaven's sake don't rush into another relationship because you feel you need one to validate your existence.  You don't!  If you feel lonely without companionship, consider getting a dog.  There are many dogs in rescue that are wonderful dogs and really deserve a home.  You can find an adult doggie that is already trained and will be SO grateful for a home, and you'll have unconditional love for life.


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## Lara (Jul 4, 2015)

Hi Stormy, I just joined and this is my first post. I haven't even introduced myself yet. I came here first because I'm excited for the new life that lies ahead for you. Always keep in mind that it doesn't matter who hurt you, or broke you down...what matters is who made you smile again :cheerful:  In your next relationship always remember this quote from Nina Simone, "You've got to learn to leave the table when love is no longer being served". You're going be happy now, just stay clear of toxic people. There are good people around to love you. Reach out to them like you did with your long lost girlfriend. Good for you!


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## Ina (Jul 4, 2015)

:welcome: Lara, I hope you enjoy the forum, and there are so many personalities :fun::lost:artytime: here that I know you'll make friends easily. Oh, and I live in Eastern Texas.


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## Lara (Jul 5, 2015)

Hi Ina! I'm in NCarolina. Wow, Stormy, these members here are so friendly. You can't go wrong hanging out here for a little pick-me-up :semi-twins::semi-twins:


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## Stormy (Jul 5, 2015)

thanks lara and everyone for your comforting words, things are much better now that I'm on my own again.  Welcome Lara you're right the people here are very friendly, i read more than I write here but like it here very much.  Happy Sunday everybody.


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## Stormy (Nov 4, 2015)

I've been pretty busy but I still come here and read what people are saying a couple of times a week looks like this board is getting bigger everyday.  I wanted to give an update I met a nice man that I go out to eat with and do some things with but were more like friends and its great.  He treats me nice and neither of us want a serious relationship so I'm on my own and loving it, thanks to everybody again for your advice its nice that people care.  I hope everybody is doing good and in good health.


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## Linda (Nov 4, 2015)

Stormy said:


> I've been pretty busy but I still come here and read what people are saying a couple of times a week looks like this board is getting bigger everyday.  I wanted to give an update I met a nice man that I go out to eat with and do some things with but were more like friends and its great.  He treats me nice and neither of us want a serious relationship so I'm on my own and loving it, thanks to everybody again for your advice its nice that people care.  I hope everybody is doing good and in good health.


 I'm glad you are doing well now Stormy.  I really agree with what Jim and Warrigal said.  I might add, if your new man friend starts to act the lest bit controlling or abusive, drop him like a hot potato.  There are plenty of really nice men out there.  And like Warrigal said, get out there and make some gal friends too.  Let us know how you are doing.


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## Stormy (Dec 27, 2016)

It's been so long I almost forgot about this thread and would like to give everyone an update.  I'm still with the same guy I was friends with he's really a nice person and treats me so well.  We did eventually move in together so our relationship is more than friends and I couldn't be happier.  He puts me first when it comes to anything, he's nice to people and animals and came with an affectionate kitty cat who thinks I'm his mom.  I look forward to the new year, things are so much better for me.  Its true that you should never get so down that you give up, there's always hope and a chance of a beautiful rainbow after every bad storm.  I'm grateful that things turned out ok for me, and I want to again show my appreciation for the people here who care so much.   Happy new year to all of you, stay healthy.


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## SeaBreeze (Dec 27, 2016)

Thanks for the update Stormy, glad that things are going so well for you!  Hope you and yours have a happy new year too!


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## Dragonlady (Dec 30, 2016)

Everyone has to do what feels right for them. I was married for 19 years to an alcoholic who got worse every year as his alcoholism engulfed him. He was very controlling and gradually wore down my self respect and confidence. 3 years and a divorce later I made the mistake of marrying another bad choice - so financially irresponsible and such poor job attitudes he couldn't hold down a job more that a couple of months at a time. I live in a community property state and he even tried unsuccessfully to take me to the cleaners during the divorce. I have been single for almost 30 years now and they have been the happiest years of my life. I love having control of my life (as much as possible) and making my own decisions about how I will live my life. I also like having control of my income to do with it as I please. I have no desire to have a man in my life (other than my grandsons and great grandson). Society unfortunately raises some of us to be just too darned subservient to the men in our lives and that is a serious mistake. When you behave that way, you encourage loss of respect for you. It took a long time for my Ex to wear me down, but he did succeed. I gradually began to fight it off when I went back to school. The more I regained it the worse his behavior and drinking until I felt I had no choice but to leave him. Those who say you pick the same mistake over and over again have a valid point.  Therapy may or may not help; it depends on when your programing started and how deeply it's embedded. To those who were able to get out and enter good relationships, I say good on you.


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## Wilberforce (Dec 31, 2016)

Stormy, first thing I need to say sweetie you are definitely not to blame you are very wrong to say that about yourself and second thing is..well done to you for getting out of the relationship and also coming on here and telling us, I can sense a brave gal under that sadness so you go ahead and use that courage to make a better life for yourself. There are certainly some good men out there and I hope you find one who deserves you but use that gift of courage to go it alone till you are very sure about the next one.


I think you need to give yourself a big pat on the back..and try to keep company with positive people, there are a great many on this forum so that is a good start..

XX Jeannine


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## OneEyedDiva (Jan 14, 2017)

I don't see it as a rant but a chance to express you feelings in a safe environment. Everybody needs to do that from time to time. I can understand why you did not want to have another man in your life but I'm glad to read that you found someone who is good to you.  I love my husband and he is a kind, patient man. He's my second husband and we married in our mid forties. I saw some "control" tendencies in him (not extreme, however) but he found out from day one that THAT wasn't happening. I'm very independent, strong willed woman and at first he thought that might be a problem but he's adapted well. Sometimes we are like oil and water, sometimes we have a lot of fun together. I've thought about it....as nice and sweet a man as he is, if he predeceases me or we wind up splitting up, I DON'T want another one.


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## dog lover (Jan 14, 2017)

I haven't had any bad experiences with partners, but I have no desire to add a man to my life anymore, either. I am just not willing to compromise anymore, I love my life and I like living alone (with my pets). Hubby and I were together for 30 years when he died - we were like a well oiled machine together, we both pursued our interests and then talked about them when together. It was good, and I am not willing to start all over again establishing that equilibrium. 

Enjoy your life, it's too short to waste any of it.


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## Aurora (Jan 14, 2017)

It is ironic and sad that most women are so choosy about who they will date, live with and marry, then sometimes wind up with the wrong partner.
And this is partly because the man (or lady) who is a great date and great lover might not be a good partner or husband. These are two very different
sets of traits and one does not always transfer to the other. Similarly, a man who would be a loving appreciative husband might not be a great date.
He might be so so and he will be turned down for marriage.
   One reason why men seek out younger women is as you say, you have given up on sex at your age, as so many other ladies have, so sexually interested men
must go after younger ones--often to no avail.  I sometimes wish that I had been married.

    Stay with the group Stormy.


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## Butterfly (Jan 14, 2017)

I think that for many of us, myself included, it isn't so much that we have no ****** interest, but rather that we are no longer willing to put up with all the crap that comes with it.


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## dog lover (Jan 14, 2017)

Butterfly said:


> I think that for many of us, myself included, it isn't so much that we have no ****** interest, but rather that we are no longer willing to put up with all the crap that comes with it.



Yes, that. It takes a lot of time and doing to create a relationship that suits both partners. It's just not worth the trouble anymore, now that I am not driven by hormones anymore. And thank god for that.


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## Jackie22 (Jan 14, 2017)

Butterfly said:


> I think that for many of us, myself included, it isn't so much that we have no ****** interest, but rather that we are no longer willing to put up with all the crap that comes with it.



Lol....amen


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## Dragonlady (Jan 14, 2017)

Butterfly said:


> I think that for many of us, myself included, it isn't so much that we have no ****** interest, but rather that we are no longer willing to put up with all the crap that comes with it.



Amen! I liked sex and I miss it, but I too,am no longer willing to pay the cost - emotionally and financially


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## AprilT (Jan 14, 2017)

Butterfly said:


> I think that for many of us, myself included, it isn't so much that we have no ****** interest, but rather that we are no longer willing to put up with all the crap that comes with it.





Jackie22 said:


> Lol....amen



Ditto that ^.


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## Aurora (Jan 14, 2017)

Butterfly, What "crap" are you talking about? Fault is often on both sides.
Emotionally I don't want to pay the price either, as a man. Perhaps we could
delete the emotions from the sex.


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## Dragonlady (Jan 14, 2017)

Aurora said:


> Butterfly, What "crap" are you talking about? Fault is often on both sides.
> Emotionally I don't want to pay the price either, as a man. Perhaps we could
> delete the emotions from the sex.



The ****** power politics


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## SeaBreeze (Jan 14, 2017)

Well, I'm happy to say that after being with my husband for over forty years and both of us in our sixties, that our romantic life is still pleasurable.  I have to say though if I were to lose him, I'd probably be on my own and not seek out another serious relationship.  We're closely bonded and I don't think I'd have any interest in becoming intimate with another man. 

 As far as Stormy goes, I'm very happy she's found a partner to share her life with and I hope her good fortune lasts a long time.  I can only wish that those who are lonely and seeking companionship will find it soon and not give up the search. :love_heart:


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## Aurora (Jan 15, 2017)

I don't know what you mean by ****** power politics, specifically.

When I am with a woman,power never is an issue or enters into it. Not my experience.
I know that some use sex for power control in long term relationships.
Do this for me or else---there's another forum I  read where unhappy couples confess their problems
and much talk of sexless marriages.


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## grahamg (Jan 15, 2017)

Stormy said:


> I want to thank everybody here for being so nice and for your advice.  I can talk to my old girlfriend now, so she's been helping me sort things out.  For a long time I had a problem just calling her, he didn't want me talking to any friends I don't have to worry about that anymore.  Thanks again, I appreciate it.



Dear Stormy,
there are some nice men out there, but we are few and far between and would you believe I have female members "elsewhere" saying the opposite about me (huh?).

Forums like this one can be good and I've certainly used them for a bit of support on various issues lately.


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## Stormy (Jan 15, 2017)

grahamg said:


> Dear Stormy,
> there are some nice men out there, but we are few and far between and would you believe I have female members "elsewhere" saying the opposite about me (huh?).
> 
> Forums like this one can be good and I've certainly used them for a bit of support on various issues lately.



Thank you grahamg I do know there are some very nice men out there and I am with one right now.  I just went through a bad experience, learned from it and moved on all for the better.  We're never too old to learn are we?  I don't have any male members anywhere else because this is the only forum that I belong to but I have to say all members here no matter what sex they are have been very understanding and supportive, I have even received some very sincere private messages from a few who were worried about me.  I happy to know I can come here and ask for help if I need it or share anything personal that's going on in my life, I will be a life time member.


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## Dragonlady (Jan 17, 2017)

Aurora said:


> I don't know what you mean by ****** power politics, specifically.
> 
> When I am with a woman,power never is an issue or enters into it. Not my experience.
> I know that some use sex for power control in long term relationships.
> ...



Power - or if you prefer - control is always an aspect of any human relationship - on a continuum of almost absent to very strong. Both genders strive for it, but in different ways. Sex, money and children are the biggies


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## Aurora (Jan 20, 2017)

Well I know what single women want and it is not always what they say they want.

Whatever it is, I am not the guy that's how I feel. and whatever I want, they are probably not it.

This is after a lifetime of trying in every which way. That's why I stopped dating years ago, what a relief.

****** gamemanship was never an issue for me.


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## Buckeye (Jan 20, 2017)

This is all waaaaay too complicated for me.....


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## grahamg (Jan 20, 2017)

*I think I understand*



Aurora said:


> Well I know what single women want and it is not always what they say they want.
> 
> Whatever it is, I am not the guy that's how I feel. and whatever I want, they are probably not it.
> 
> ...



I think I understand you perfectly well, and I admit for various reasons I'm not going out of my way to find love and if that means I never find that special someone then I can live with it at my age


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## Dragonlady (Jan 20, 2017)

Aurora said:


> Well I know what single women want and it is not always what they say they want.
> 
> Whatever it is, I am not the guy that's how I feel. and whatever I want, they are probably not it.
> 
> ...




Just out of curiosity, what is it you believe single women want?


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## grahamg (Jan 20, 2017)

*How about control?*



Dragonlady said:


> Just out of curiosity, what is it you believe single women want?



I know I shouldn't be trying to answer for another forum member, and yet in asking your question you have ignored them saying, quote: "Whatever it is, I am not the guy that's how I feel....."


My answer for you is this, at least my ex. wife's case, and maybe a more recent girlfriend of mine, they wanted "control".  

I know I'm not being entirely fair perhaps, to the girlfriend at least, but her ex. husband (who she loved deeply) did tell her as justification for his splitting up the marriage and being unfaithful into the bargain, he said their house was "how she'd wanted it to be" - rather than a joint decision.


My other supporting evidence so far as saying women want "control" is something my father used to say, certainly when he got married. He said getting married was like "stepping into a metaphorical boxing ring" - meaning you had to keep your wits about you! 

My mother and father managed to form an excellent partnership no matter, and my mother continually challenging him, he told me toward the end of their lives, when she went into hospital, had kept him on his metal and her not being there to do that meant he didn't feel as sharp. My mother was certainly very controlling but I realise now she's gone just how much she did for me and wanted the best for me too.


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## Wilberforce (Jan 21, 2017)

That is an interesting observation but I have to reply with not all women want control. I was reared in a home where both my parents had equal voice and decisions were made mutually. If they were totally deadlocked on deciding something they picked a choice from a hat, I am not kidding. As a child I felt gently guided, never controlled. I was always given choices and I quickly learned to make decisions  about my own life even when quite small

I certainly never wanted control with my husband nor he with me, in fact we negotiated most things quite simply.

Oh and to add. as a woman what  I wanted in a man when I was young was. respect, love,  emotional support, love of family  and honesty. I was fortunate to get all five. What was not important to me was good looks , a man with power or a man with money.

I had a great childhood and a wonderful marriage.. and absolutely  no control from  either of us.


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## Aurora (Jan 21, 2017)

My mother w*as extremely *controlling all her long life until the end--control over her children and husband.
She fancied herself the Big Boss of the family and needed to supervise and pass critical judgement on her children
regardless of whether she knew what she was talking about. And very disagreeable besides.
This is a terrible role model for a young man trying to find and romance women. She loved being The Boss--
the Know It All type. Many parents were criticized by their parents and so on...a family tradition.
Or some parents go the opposite direction and praise everything their kids do--beyond any reproach.
Jeanine--you perhaps are a rare exception for the women I have had contact with.


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## Dragonlady (Jan 21, 2017)

Aurora said:


> My mother w*as extremely *controlling all her long life until the end--control over her children and husband.
> She fancied herself the Big Boss of the family and needed to supervise and pass critical judgement on her children
> regardless of whether she knew what she was talking about. And very disagreeable besides.
> This is a terrible role model for a young man trying to find and romance women. She loved being The Boss--
> ...



It's been suggested that we tend to pick pick potential mates who   resemble the same gender parent. Is it possible that you were unknowingly attracted to controlling women?.    
My ex husband was extremely controlling and I didn't realize until much later how alike my husband and my father were. As someone has already said, not all women are control freaks anymore than all men are. Without even realizing it we tend, with time, to take on many of the characteristics of our parents - unless they are so bad we knowingly reject them. Example; My Dad was a big time racial bigot; he was so extreme, he turned me completely against such thinking. Had he been more subtle about it, I might have been sucked into such thinking myself. Kids absorb an amazing amount of attitude at an almost subliminal level at a surprisingly early age. Maybe you picked up a lot of your father's attitudes towards women (based on his interaction with your mother)


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## grahamg (Jan 21, 2017)

*There is something in the theory*



Dragonlady said:


> It's been suggested that we tend to pick pick potential mates who   resemble the same gender parent. Is it possible that you were unknowingly attracted to controlling women?.
> My ex husband was extremely controlling and I didn't realize until much later how alike my husband and my father were. As someone has already said, not all women are control freaks anymore than all men are. Without even realizing it we tend, with time, to take on many of the characteristics of our parents - unless they are so bad we knowingly reject them. Example; My Dad was a big time racial bigot; he was so extreme, he turned me completely against such thinking. Had he been more subtle about it, I might have been sucked into such thinking myself. Kids absorb an amazing amount of attitude at an almost subliminal level at a surprisingly early age. Maybe you picked up a lot of your father's attitudes towards women (based on his interaction with your mother)



I am fairly sure there is something in this theory, and its been stated often enough by experts or guru's trying to understand human psychology (does it go back to Freud?).

The racial attitudes you mention are perhaps as much to do with prevailing attitudes at the time, than anything else. I guess my father was similar to yours in that regard, and I followed that thinking too until I realised good people like Lynford Christie, a UK sprinter and one time olympic champion, held himself with such dignity and showed strong character so it crossed my mind I wasn't "superior" to a man like him, and I then knew how foolish I'd been.


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