# Encountering your ex., or reconciling your feelings so you eventually can speak



## grahamg (Mar 10, 2021)

In the Catholic faith I believe there used to be a belief all married couples were reunited after death, and this is one of the reasons why divorce has been so strongly opposed by the Vatican, (plus the effects of divorce upon any children born in the marriage, "in this world").

I've asked myself whether I could ever find a way to speak to my ex. in the unlikely event our paths were to cross, and never felt I'd have anything to say to her, but I suppose, "just in case those Catholics have it right" I should at least try to think how I might somehow find something positive or "okay" I might say if I were ever to come across the woman I once thought I'd love all my life, (who almost costs me my life when I lost her too!).

Many do feel able to form a reasonably good relationship with ex. partners or spouses, and I'd admit they are "the adults" in all this or the ones more able to behave in an adult fashion.

Perhaps I should tell my ex. or start reminding her of all the sayings our parents used to be so fond of, as a "safe area for discussion", or perhaps we could speak of a mutual friend or two we both thought/think highly of, something like that anyway, (rather than saying, "What a darn good job it was you broke up our marriage"!  ).

.


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## FrancesAnn (Mar 12, 2021)

grahamg said:


> In the Catholic faith I believe there used to be a belief all married couples were reunited after death, and this is one of the reasons why divorce has been so strongly opposed by the Vatican, (plus the effects of divorce upon any children born in the marriage, "in this world").
> 
> I've asked myself whether I could ever find a way to speak to my ex. in the unlikely event our paths were to cross, and never felt I'd have anything to say to her, but I suppose, "just in case those Catholics have it right" I should at least try to think how I might somehow find something positive or "okay" I might say if I were ever to come across the woman I once thought I'd love all my life, (who almost costs me my life when I lost her too!).
> 
> ...


Hi  I noticed your post has been up for a few days with some views and no responses. I also posted a relationship question and have a similar experience so far. Relationships are complex and need tending. I am not sure if you are saying in the after life, what would you say to your ex-spouse or in this life.

In this life, if you do cross paths and have a chance to speak to her, reflect on what brought you together as a couple. Why did you commit to the marriage and what it meant to you at the beginning. It reads like there's a lot of unresolved hurt feelings in you. I am not sure if you are a Catholic but often in reflection, answers are forthcoming. If you are a Catholic, ask the spirit for direction in this issue. How do you resolve what it reads like you feel responsible for. Or, what you believe the spouse was responsible for. The Catholic church is ministered by unmarried priests, I am not sure if deacons can marry. But, also nuns are unmarried. How can the ministry comment on something they don't do themselves? They don't raise children in the  home and have no idea of what it takes to be an adult with family obligations. It sounds like your struggling with unresolved, maybe grief and anger at the loss of something precious to you.

Maybe it's best to move on if you see the spouse. If you cannot wish them well, than do no harm to yourself or the other.

Hope you can return the response on my post about Zen Awkward Zoom as I am grappling with what to do about the community I am considering becoming a part of.

Be well


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## win231 (Mar 12, 2021)

I'm not Catholic & I'm not religious at all.  The thought that I may be reunited with my deceased wife after my death gives me a much-stronger will to live.


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## Nathan (Mar 12, 2021)

I carried some hard feelings towards my ex for years.   I don't really have those anymore, but I haven't forgotten, just doesn't matter anymore.

Forgiveness comes into play somewhere, forgiveness releases a person from those hard feelings.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 12, 2021)

grahamg said:


> In the Catholic faith I believe there used to be a belief all married couples were reunited after death, and this is one of the reasons why divorce has been so strongly opposed by the Vatican, (plus the effects of divorce upon any children born in the marriage, "in this world").
> 
> I've asked myself whether I could ever find a way to speak to my ex. in the unlikely event our paths were to cross, and never felt I'd have anything to say to her, but I suppose, "just in case those Catholics have it right" I should at least try to think how I might somehow find something positive or "okay" I might say if I were ever to come across the woman I once thought I'd love all my life, (who almost costs me my life when I lost her too!).
> 
> ...


You could just say "Hope you're well" and leave it at that, at least on a first encounter.


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## asp3 (Mar 12, 2021)

My ex burned too many bridges with multiple horrible actions.  There is no reconciliation or forgiveness, just a desire to remain completely disconnected from her.


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## grahamg (Mar 12, 2021)

asp3 said:


> My ex burned too many bridges with multiple horrible actions.  There is no reconciliation or forgiveness, just a desire to remain completely disconnected from her.


You hope not to be reunited with her in heaven then, (if that's what happens as those of the Catholic faith are said to believe?)!
Mine was certainly ruthless, as I may have said on other threads, cutting my contact with our daughter simply because our child hugged me when getting into my car at the start of a contact visit aged three or four, (my daughter never making that mistake in front of her mother again), but my ex did have many laudable abilities/characteristics, and was a very attentive mother who loved our child undoubtedly.
Still, I favour avoiding my ex rather than encountering her too.

My lawyer was funny once, opening a door for my ex and almost bowing as a demonstration of respect, when in truth the lawyers I used believed her "something of a madam" or extremely difficult to deal with very often, (describing someone as "a madam" btw, is a term I picked up during my marriage!).


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## grahamg (Mar 12, 2021)

win231 said:


> I'm not Catholic & I'm not religious at all.  The thought that I may be reunited with my deceased wife after my death gives me a much-stronger will to live.


As I intended to hint earlier on the thread I'm not a Catholic either, though have good friends who are Catholics and I've attended services with them sometimes, so I'd say I am a little more religious than you are, (though others might think my scepticism about some aspects of religion disqualifies me!).
Loved your comment about strengthening your will to live, much truth in that statement I'm sure.


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## grahamg (Mar 12, 2021)

FrancesAnn said:


> Hi  I noticed your post has been up for a few days with some views and no responses. I also posted a relationship question and have a similar experience so far. Relationships are complex and need tending. I am not sure if you are saying in the after life, what would you say to your ex-spouse or in this life.
> 
> In this life, if you do cross paths and have a chance to speak to her, reflect on what brought you together as a couple. Why did you commit to the marriage and what it meant to you at the beginning. It reads like there's a lot of unresolved hurt feelings in you. I am not sure if you are a Catholic but often in reflection, answers are forthcoming. If you are a Catholic, ask the spirit for direction in this issue. How do you resolve what it reads like you feel responsible for. Or, what you believe the spouse was responsible for. The Catholic church is ministered by unmarried priests, I am not sure if deacons can marry. But, also nuns are unmarried. How can the ministry comment on something they don't do themselves? They don't raise children in the  home and have no idea of what it takes to be an adult with family obligations. It sounds like your struggling with unresolved, maybe grief and anger at the loss of something precious to you.
> 
> ...


I think your comments are fair and thanks for reviving the thread!


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## Rosemarie (Mar 12, 2021)

grahamg said:


> In the Catholic faith I believe there used to be a belief all married couples were reunited after death, and this is one of the reasons why divorce has been so strongly opposed by the Vatican, (plus the effects of divorce upon any children born in the marriage, "in this world").
> 
> I've asked myself whether I could ever find a way to speak to my ex. in the unlikely event our paths were to cross, and never felt I'd have anything to say to her, but I suppose, "just in case those Catholics have it right" I should at least try to think how I might somehow find something positive or "okay" I might say if I were ever to come across the woman I once thought I'd love all my life, (who almost costs me my life when I lost her too!).
> 
> ...


Religious beliefs are a very personal thing, but if you know your bible, you will know that Jesus was asked ...'If a woman has more than one husband, which one will she belong to after death?'
I know that Catholics are not encouraged to read the bible, they are expected to believe what the church tells them. Those who are free to think for themselves know that the church is misguided on many issues.
I'm a spiritualist  Anglican who was married to a Catholic, so I'm pretty broad-minded. Love binds people together. Two people who truly love each other will be together after death, whether or not they were married in their earthly lives.


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## asp3 (Mar 13, 2021)

grahamg said:


> You hope not to be reunited with her in heaven then, (if that's what happens as those of the Catholic faith are said to believe?)!
> Mine was certainly ruthless, as I may have said on other threads, cutting my contact with our daughter simply because our child hugged me when getting into my car at the start of a contact visit aged three or four, (my daughter never making that mistake in front of her mother again), but my ex did have many laudable abilities/characteristics, and was a very attentive mother who loved our child undoubtedly.
> Still, I favour avoiding my ex rather than encountering her too.
> 
> My lawyer was funny once, opening a door for my ex and almost bowing as a demonstration of respect, when in truth the lawyers I used believed her "something of a madam" or extremely difficult to deal with very often, (describing someone as "a madam" btw, is a term I picked up during my marriage!).



I don’t believe in anything beyond this life so it isn’t a concern for me.


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## win231 (Mar 13, 2021)

asp3 said:


> My ex burned too many bridges with multiple horrible actions.  There is no reconciliation or forgiveness, just a desire to remain completely disconnected from her.


^^^ Bingo.  Same here.  Before my ex wife died at 66 (of cancer) a couple of mutual friends contacted me & suggested I visit her because "She's terminally ill."  I said, "Life is a terminal illness; what's happening to her will happen to all of us eventually, so why should I have anything to do with someone who caused me so much pain?"


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## Marie5656 (Mar 13, 2021)

*I am not a stong Catholic anymore. But I still believe we see all loved ones after death.  My husband died almost two years ago. But,,he had two ex wives!!  Hope he is  not hanging with them LOL.  I want him all to myself when it is my turn to go.*


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## grahamg (Mar 13, 2021)

asp3 said:


> I don’t believe in anything beyond this life so it isn’t a concern for me.


I'm not far from you on that view, but I'm sure you'll agree the good you've managed to do in this world may live on after you, any children you have, or children you've helped raise, pus all those who will remember you fondly, all these things can live on without any faith in god or religion cant they obviously.
Finally living a life now as though you might believe in something beyond ourselves, and our own selfish interests is something to aim at too.


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## old medic (Mar 14, 2021)

I have actually tried to find my EX..... want to thank her... Its was because of her I crossed paths with my wife of 35 years


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## J.B Books (Mar 14, 2021)

There is a lot of misstatements and wrong thoughts of what the catholic Church teaches, encourages, or believes in this thread.
Like Catholic are not encouraged to read the bible, or " How can the ministry comment on something they don't do themselves? They don't raise children in the home and have no idea of what it takes to be an adult with family obligations."

These are all so wrong. 

If you are concerned about meeting your ex in heaven maybe you should be concerned with getting into heaven in the first place. Can't meet someone when you are not in the same place.

Also if you were married in Catholic Church you could have the marriage unnulled.  This makes the marriage as if it never happened, so you will not have an "ex" so to speak.

I do not intend to get into a theological discourse with so many non Catholics on this thread.

I just don't have the bandwidth or desire to educate you all.


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## Pepper (Mar 14, 2021)

J.B Books said:


> I just don't have the bandwidth or desire to educate you all.


IMO---you were doing great until that sentence.  I was enjoying the rest of your post.


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## J.B Books (Mar 14, 2021)

Pepper said:


> IMO---you were doing great until that sentence.  I was enjoying the rest of your post.


Thanks, I think..

I just don't want to spend my morning typing replies, defending the church and answering questions..

There is a national talk show on EWTN radio called Catholic Answers. There are hundreds of affiliates around the country.
On Thursday and Friday afternoons they take call-in questions from Non Catholics only.
They answer questions and correct misconceptions It's actually very entertaining.
You can also tune in on your computer or phone app.


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## Pepper (Mar 14, 2021)

All I have to do is speak to my in-laws!


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## grahamg (Mar 14, 2021)

I hadn't thought about whether or not someone got to heaven before worrying about being reunited with their wife/husband, so we'll put that to one side!  

If I can't think of anything I might be able to say to my ex-wife, and I can't really, I can try something a little less difficult, such as what I might say to an ex-girlfriend instead, where I imagine conversation would be quite straight forward, and asking about their mother, or their children would be perfectly fine.

Why it isn't or doesn't feel easy contemplating my encountering the ex-wife, well you're expecting put downs, falsehoods, all the things ruthless "warrior women" are adept at administering, that kind of thing if you can understand me, "and my unresolved issues" as some would have it.


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## J.B Books (Mar 14, 2021)

grahamg said:


> I hadn't thought about whether or not someone got to heaven before worrying about being reunited with their wife/husband, so we'll put that to one side!
> 
> If I can't think of anything I might be able to say to my ex-wife, and I can't really, I can try something a little less difficult, such as what I might say to an ex-girlfriend instead, where I imagine conversation would be quite straight forward, and asking about their mother, or their children would be perfectly fine.
> 
> Why it isn't or doesn't feel easy contemplating my encountering the ex-wife, well you're expecting put downs, falsehoods, all the things ruthless "warrior women" are adept at administering, that kind of thing if you can understand me, "and my unresolved issues" as some would have it.


Do you plan on meeting her again soon, or is this just a general "what if" concern?
If it is a "what if" and not a probability then you are just looking for something to worry about.
There are other things more important, right?
I was married once. Got in unnulled so technically we were never married then. She was an abusive alcoholic. I have not talked with her in 30 years and don't plan to. I don't plan on meeting her either. If I ever make it to heaven, I am sure she won't be there.


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## grahamg (Mar 14, 2021)

J.B Books said:


> Do you plan on meeting her again soon, or is this just a general "what if" concern?
> If it is a "what if" and not a probability then you are just looking for something to worry about.
> There are other things more important, right?
> I was married once. Got in unnulled so technically we were never married then. She was an abusive alcoholic. I have not talked with her in 30 years and don't plan to. I don't plan on meeting her either. If I ever make it to heaven, I am sure she won't be there.


It is just a "what if", and you are correct not worth worrying about, (if I am worrying, I dont think I am?), but my excuse for raising it here is I suppose, once upon a time, everyone who chose to marry felt they had someone in their life they could say anything to if we wanted, and now we cant say anything at all, (or I cant to be precise). Those who can remain friends with their ex. or become friends again have my admiration, and maybe this pandemic is making me try to think about things I wouldn't bother myself or anyone else about otherwise, (that's my excuse anyway!).


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## Nathan (Mar 14, 2021)

...the other night I was talking with my daughter on the phone, she mentioned that her mother had _another_ heart attack(number 3).  I didn't know, my ex and I don't stay in touch.  It got me thinking- even though she was hateful and back stabbing, I don't wish her harm.  I would like to see her again someday and have a conversation.  
I'm not sure I completely buy the heart attack story, as the ex is quite the prolific liar.


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## Nosy Bee-54 (Mar 14, 2021)

grahamg said:


> If I can't think of anything I might be able to say to my ex-wife, and I can't really, I can try something a little less difficult, such as what I might say to an ex-girlfriend instead, where I imagine conversation would be quite straight forward, and asking about their mother, or their children would be perfectly fine.


For whatever it's worth, I have two ex-spouses. I have not spoken to the first in some 30 years. The second one, I haven't spoken to in six years. I don't hate them but don't have anything to say that would sound credible. I would have to put on an Academy Award performance for any conversation. However, I think they would still be able to see right through it.

Life happens! There is nothing to reconcile! Some people just need to move on.


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## Dana (Mar 14, 2021)

.
_Oh Lordy...if the marriage is over, it is over, finito! Best to send each other off with a smile and move on. Life is too short. 

I think a holiday is needed ... may I suggest Paris, the City of Love when Covid is under control._


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## grahamg (Mar 15, 2021)

"Non, Je  ne regrette rien"!
(Lordy, Lordy)


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## Rosemarie (Mar 15, 2021)

grahamg.....stop worrying about it. Forget what the church has taught you. If you don't love your ex and don't wish to see her after death...you won't. Simple as that. 
Have you considered how she feels about the prospect of being together for eternity?
After you die (or to put it another way, when this life ends), all will be explained. There will be a reason that things happened as they did.


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## grahamg (Mar 15, 2021)

Rosemarie said:


> grahamg.....stop worrying about it. Forget what the church has taught you. If you don't love your ex and don't wish to see her after death...you won't. Simple as that.
> Have you considered how she feels about the prospect of being together for eternity?
> After you die (or to put it another way, when this life ends), all will be explained. There will be a reason that things happened as they did.


I think you've missed the post above where I poured doubt upon the suggestion I might be worried about anything, "but thanks for your concern and advice, just in case I was worrying", (plus my religious beliefs are closer to win231's than an average Catholic or other church goer, much though I believe in religions and churches for all the many benefits they bring, unlike my atheist ex., oh, cross off talking about religion topic"!).


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## mrstime (Mar 21, 2021)

Mormons often marry for "time and eternity", I wondered how that would work when Marie Osmond divorced her first husband, however she has since divorced her 2nd husband and remarried the 1st husband.


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## tbeltrans (Mar 21, 2021)

J.B Books said:


> There is a lot of misstatements and wrong thoughts of what the catholic Church teaches, encourages, or believes in this thread.
> Like Catholic are not encouraged to read the bible, or " How can the ministry comment on something they don't do themselves? They don't raise children in the home and have no idea of what it takes to be an adult with family obligations."
> 
> These are all so wrong.
> ...


Though I am not really personally concerned about what you have said, I do want to point out some other perspectives regarding what people here might have said about the Catholic Church...

One thing to consider before being concerned about educating the rest of us is that different dioceses seem (or at least did when I was growing up in the Catholic Church) emphasize certain ideas over others and often had their own way of putting some things.  It is entirely possible that those who grew up in the Catholic Church in different areas, may well have been taught somewhat different perspectives and emphasis on various Church teachings, though I would think that in general, the Catholic Church teachings would be adhered to.  I know this from having been brought up in a couple of different dioceses since we moved a few times during my childhood.

Another point to consider is that what the children were taught in Catholic School was not always the same was what adults were taught because for children, much of the detail that would lead to correct interpretation, was watered down so a child could get some sort of comprehension.  Since I left the Catholic Church right after Confirmation, I can't honestly say what the Catholic Church teaches to adults (i.e. the detail that would explain more clearly what we were told in Catholic grade school).

During some conversations I have had with current practicing Catholic adults, I have also come to realize that the Catholic Church has apparently changed some of its stances on various social issues over the years since I was growing up.  The Church does seem more inclusive now than back then.

Also, some of what you mentioned seems more a matter of a poster expressing his or her own opinion or concern, rather than stating a fact about the Catholic Church.

Of course, there may well also be posters here who are not, and never were Catholics, expressing what they believe they understand about the Catholic Church based on what they have heard or read, but definitely from the outside looking in.

In a forum, we have many people whom we really don't know, and therefore do not have a good frame of reference for understanding why they may have said what they did.  One-on-one discussion in person can yield that level of understanding, but I doubt we will get to that in a forum.

Tony


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## Nathan (Mar 21, 2021)

I never knew that the Catholic Church considers a marriage to be carried over to..._after_ life.

Since none of us(or anyone else) knows what to expect, the best we can do is wish and hope.

I would like to see my parents, grandparents, siblings and children in the after-life.


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## Aunt Marg (Mar 21, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> You could just say "Hope you're well" and leave it at that, at least on a first encounter.


I agree, less is more.


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## Llynn (Mar 21, 2021)

I don't really buy into the life after death thing so I guess I'm not too bothered.


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## grahamg (Mar 21, 2021)

Llynn said:


> I don't really buy into the life after death thing so I guess I'm not too bothered.


Here is the loosest understanding I can provide, and am prepared to believe myself, and it is along the lines of something our primary school headteachers, (first grade in the US I guess), used to tell us all. He told us whatever we did in life would ripple out from us, similar to the way this happens when a stone is thrown into a pond.
In a sense then, if our headteachers was correct, then those "ripples" could go on beyond our own life, let's say by whatever good we might have done living on in some way, maybe in the way our own children choose to treat others, if we've had anything to do with encouraging them to be positive, helpful people etc.
If we are, or become, overall at peace with ourselves, and our contribution in this world, accepting we'll slip up often enough. I was told I would go straight to hell for swearing recently, though i suspect the individual I met through work is hazy on his knowledge, as I'd guess its blaspheming would be the only possible way to think such a prospect were in store for any of us, so I won't worry about that one  !


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