# Parents helping adult children financially



## applecruncher (Jan 21, 2018)

Something Ken joked about in another thread got me to thinking.

Ever see the TV show "Shark Tank"?   One of the sharks is a billionaire named Kevin O'Leary.  In an interview he said he put his kids thru college, paid all related expenses, and bought them a car when they graduated.  Once they were out on their own and working, he would not give them any more money. If they asked, the answer was No. He told them "figure it out".

My parents were not wealthy.  In my 20s I made several poor money decisions and sometimes lived beyond my means.  I recall buying a new car that I could barely afford, spending too much money on clothes, etc, and sometimes not being able to pay rent or stretching a few dollars for food and gas until the next paycheck.  I simply didn't manage my money sensibly.  I went to my parents for help, and they helped me out (just this one last time), even though they had other kids at home and their own tight budgets to deal with.

Thinking back, I feel bad about that.   I got scolded several times, but I wish they had told me sooner to "figure it out" - get a cheaper car, move to a cheaper apt, get a part-time weekend job, do whatever it takes. And start saving consistently.

I eventually went thru some rough spots and had to make some sacrifices in order to sleep better at night and be truly independent.

But I see Kevin O'Leary's point.  Don't expect your parents/family to always bail you out.

Thoughts?


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## Ken N Tx (Jan 21, 2018)

Yes, I stretched it a little in that thread, but I have 6 adult children and I have helped 4 of them in the past. It was early in their adulthood/marriage..They all paid us back and have since "figured it out"..


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## C'est Moi (Jan 21, 2018)

I think most of us made some poor choices as young people and had to learn how to manage.   My parents did help me when I hit a rough spot early on... but oh, how I hated to ask them.   My husband and I have a blended family (2 of my kids, 3 of his) and are willing and able to help them if need be.   Thankfully they have all grown into self-sufficient people, but I would do anything in my power for them if the need arose.


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## SeaBreeze (Jan 21, 2018)

Kevin O'Leary was smart, his kids were lucky to get all they did from him, so he'd just be an enabler if he kept the flow going well into their adulthood.  When we were young my in-laws voluntarily loaned us some money, insisted that we take it, but we paid them back in full and didn't take advantage.

  I think sometimes, especially with rich parents, they spoil their kids and the minute the money stops flowing to them, the parents are dead to them, they don't really appreciate the value of the help or the generosity of the parents, only the amount of the money...if that makes sense.


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## Aunt Bea (Jan 21, 2018)

I never asked because I already knew the answer.

I would help if the plan put before me had a solution to the problem but if it was going to be an ongoing problem I would decline.

I think that helping people financially is sort of like looking for a lost item.  Once you find your car keys you stop looking and once you find a solution to your financial problems you stop looking or thinking about other options.  If mom and dad bail you out then chances are the next time you have a problem  you will use the same TNT solution that worked so well in the past.

I do think that some parents cripple their children by stepping in early on when the problems and the consequences are small.  By the time a serious problem comes along the kids have not developed the skills they need to deal with life.

Looking back I'm glad that I had to learn to solve my own problems.


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## AZ Jim (Jan 21, 2018)

applecruncher said:


> Something Ken joked about in another thread got me to thinking.
> 
> Ever see the TV show "Shark Tank"?   One of the sharks is a billionaire named Kevin O'Leary.
> ...


Kevin (Mr. Wonderful) is not a billionaire.  His assets total around 600 million which is a lot of money but the Mr. Big Chips on that show is Mark Cuban who is holding around 3.4 BILLION.


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## AZ Jim (Jan 21, 2018)

I watch Shark tank often.  Barbara on there irritates me but I like the others.  Robert came to Canada and then US with $20 from Croatia.


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## retiredtraveler (Jan 21, 2018)

I came from a family where dad was a teacher, mom stayed home. In those days, teachers were paid poorly and dad always had another job on evenings or weekends: usually some kind of janitorial thing along with some tutoring and teaching night school. 
   There were not going to be any bail outs for any of us, and we all grew up knowing how to be frugal. No one went hungry or had rain coming into their room, or no presents at Christmas, but there wasn't much extra money floating around.
   As a result, we all pretty much made sound financial decisions early on and all went on to have substantial retirement savings. If someone got into trouble financially, parents would have tried to help, but there wouldn't be much to offer.


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## applecruncher (Jan 21, 2018)

Aunt Bea said:


> I never asked because I already knew the answer.
> 
> I would help if the plan put before me had a solution to the problem but if it was going to be an ongoing problem I would decline.
> 
> ...



I have a cousin who was always VERY spoiled.  Her parents were not wealthy, but she was an only child, pretty, and had an easy life.  First she pursued a modeling career, then went to cosmetology school and got a license to be a hair stylist.  Then in her 30s she decided to go to college and her parents paid for an apartment and paid her bills for 5 yrs.  I remember once when she was unhappy at a job and her dad went to the office and talked to her supervisor  mg1: (not threatening, but still....).

She eventually married a successful architect and doesn't work.


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## Warrigal (Jan 21, 2018)

My mum helped out my sister and I any way she could. I have done the same for my children. Early on we advanced them money as a family loan to make sure they did not take it for granted but these days we give money without strings as we see fit. We are not waiting until we are dead to share some of our surplus.


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## nvtribefan (Jan 21, 2018)

I never asked, but the answer would have yes.  I have no children.  What other people do with their money is not my business.


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## Knight (Jan 21, 2018)

Always thought the advice of "Don't Start What You Don't Want To Continue" was a good way to deal with finances when it comes to kids and family members. We began not knowing we were poor and made mistakes that proved to be life long valuable lessons. 


Part of learning was watching what other young parents did. Those with money always seemed to have problems with their kids behavior. Less affluent kids played well together. 


To put a time frame in place during the 70 our kids were pre teen. Chores were paid according the what those were and the age of each. They didn't have needs. But I admit, the hard part was them learning that the money they earned and saved disappears fast when spent on wants was hard to watch. The best part was the pride they had in earning and buying for themselves.  


Oldest age 15 I began teaching how to drive. Told him for his 16th birthday he would have his own car but had to be registered in his name, he would get a job and pay for insurance and upkeep. I asked him what kind he would like. T-Top Trans Am.
I bought one that needed work strickly for the purpose of spending the year working with him & his brothers to learn how to repair and maintain a car. A safe car titled in his name the day he turned 16. He had an after school job and insurance in his name already set up. 


The next two sons were treated the same. The choice of 1966 Chevy Camaro for 2nd son. Last picked 1972 Ford Mustang Mach I. All bought at low pricing because all needed repairs. 


The cost wasn't the issue, working with my sons was the real payoff. 


There is a caveate to this. Back then teens getting jobs was easy, social interaction [girls] revolved around a car. Paying their own way then and now a source of pride for them.


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## Warrigal (Jan 21, 2018)

I love the idea of you working on the cars with each of your sons. A great way to pass on valuable experience and life lessons.


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## Knight (Jan 21, 2018)

Warrigal said:


> I love the idea of you working on the cars with each of your sons. A great way to pass on valuable experience and life lessons.


Thank You Warrigal. Money isn't where true wealth is, and I wasn't the only one sharing time & teaching moments with our sons. All 3 know how to cook good nutritious meals.  Giving them the tools to enjoy their lives makes our lives so much more enjoyable.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jan 23, 2018)

I used to try to teach my son to save, ever since he first started working in his teens. He never did. I have helped him so many times. The last time was when he needed a car and I offered to loan the downpayment, he didn't ask. He paid me back in monthly installments as promised and made all the car payments on time . When that car died, he was able to go out and lease a car which he surprised me with.  He's approaching 50 and he finally gets it. He stopped asking me for loans a long time ago. But my DIL, whom I love like I birthed her myself...she will ask through him. Last time I pondered it for awhile then agreed. I drew up a contract and made them both sign. The terms were if I didn't get paid back what was owed (and for her what she never paid back previously) I would never lend them another penny. That loan was paid in full and on time. 

I see them struggling. My son was working seven days a week for awhile there. The people who bought the house they lived in jacked the rent up by $500 a month. The utility company sent a bill for almost $2,000...their error! They hadn't been reading the meter right. WTH!! Still people are expected to pay up. That also happened to a friend of mine who's a homeowner. My son and DIL are working a home based business for additional income but the cost of living is so high..they're still struggling. My DIL was on disability for seven months due to several health issues. That didn't help. I see them trying their best to make ends meet. They haven't asked in a couple of years but if they did ask for a loan, I'd probably help them.


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## debbie in seattle (Feb 2, 2018)

Worst mistake ever made was helping one of our girls out.   Best thing I ever learned was to turn a blind eye and believe it’s ‘not my problem.’


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## Buckeye (Feb 2, 2018)

I think a better issue would be "Adult Children helping their Parents Financially".  My son had better be ready.


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## Aunt Bea (Feb 2, 2018)

Hoot N Annie said:


> I think a better issue would be "Adult Children helping their Parents Financially".  My son had better be ready.



There is an old proverb that says: _"One man can take care of ten children but ten children can't take care of one man!"




_


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## KingsX (Feb 2, 2018)

.

My disabled son lived with me until age 38 [when he suddenly and unexpectedly died during a seizure.]
Being both mentally and physically disabled,  he never worked.  But he did receive SSI.  A friend joked 
that my son contributed more money to the household than normal adult children living with their parents.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Feb 2, 2018)

Hoot N Annie said:


> I think a better issue would be "Adult Children helping their Parents Financially".  My son had better be ready.



Hoot, I have one of those. No kidding. Every month. The least he's given me was about $300; the most? $2000. He gets paid once a month, and after he pays his bills and sets some aside, he sends me some, too. I thank him profusely


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## Butterfly (Feb 2, 2018)

retiredtraveler said:


> I came from a family where dad was a teacher, mom stayed home. In those days, teachers were paid poorly and dad always had another job on evenings or weekends: usually some kind of janitorial thing along with some tutoring and teaching night school.
> There were not going to be any bail outs for any of us, and we all grew up knowing how to be frugal. No one went hungry or had rain coming into their room, or no presents at Christmas, but there wasn't much extra money floating around.
> As a result, we all pretty much made sound financial decisions early on and all went on to have substantial retirement savings. If someone got into trouble financially, parents would have tried to help, but there wouldn't be much to offer.



I came from a similar environment, and I understood that "money doesn't grow on trees" early on.  I also understood early on the difference between something you NEED and something you WANT.  I think coming from such a situation actually was a great gift, because what I learned at home from observation and living taught me to be careful and avoid some of the disastrous decisions some of my peers made (I NEEDED a reliable car to get to work, etc., but I didn't NEED a brand-new fancy sporty super-expensive one, for example).


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