# Seniors, Are You Now or Ever Been A Caregiver for A Spouse or Family Member?



## SeaBreeze (Aug 6, 2014)

My husband and I were caregivers for his parents years ago, we moved them both into our home when my father in law had a major stroke which left him paralyzed.  They were both in their eighties, and in poor health.

I'm happy we were able to give them such complete care, and give them the main floor of our house, while we stayed in the basement. Although it is stressful to care for people who can no longer care for themselves, especially while still working a job, it's rewarding not to have to place them in a nursing home.  Something that neither of them ever wanted.  I don't ever want that either.

Has anyone here been a caregiver for a sickly or elderly spouse, or a family member who could not care for themselves due to illness?  If so, was it difficult or easy for you to do so?  Do you or did you have any outside help?


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## Shamhat (Aug 6, 2014)

SeaBreeze, when my husband's cancer rendered him too weak and unable to care for himself, I was there for him and with him until he passed away.  It was just the two of us, but I got him to his appointments for radiation and chemo, kept him clean, made the hospital runs and so on and so on.  He died in 2000 and to this day, I am grateful for every second I had with him. 

 In 2011, I met a man and we eventually moved in together for financial reasons.  A month later he had a TIA.  Although he could do for himself, he wouldn't.  His family never came by to offer help.  He was a mean spirited user.  3 months ago, he moved out to live with his daughter. 

 I've had two different sides of the coin as far as caregiving goes.  The last experience was horrible.  With my husband, I believe the strength came from my love for him.  He was a great man.


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## Ina (Aug 6, 2014)

Shamhat, I'm sorry for your loss, you sound like there was much love in your union, so I know you were blessed.


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## Shamhat (Aug 6, 2014)

This song came out the year before he passed.  I still love it.

Still, life goes on.  I have joy in the memories.  Yes, I was blessed Ina.  That in and of itself makes my life complete.


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## SeaBreeze (Aug 6, 2014)

Shamhat, my condolences for the loss of your husband...hugs. :rose: A lady I worked with, her father had a stroke that made him very abusive and mean to her and her mother.  He had become physically violent with them in the home, and they had to put him in a nursing home where they could handle him and medicate him, etc.  She was heartbroken.  She said the side of his brain that the stroke affected was the left, and often that made people's behavior change for the worse.


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## ClassicRockr (Aug 7, 2014)

When I was in my early 40's, my step-mom wanted me to come back to the house and live again. My step-dad had passed-away a year or so earlier. It was a small farm, but the livestock had all been sold and no more crops were growing. She said, "you can live her free, but would have to take her to doctor's appointments, etc. She didn't have any serious heath issues (told me that), but did miss my step-dad being there.

Anyway, I really had to think about it, but did remember that I couldn't wait to move out after I graduated from H.S. and went in the Navy. Her and my step-dad were *very* strict with me during my H.S. years and even treated me like a little boy when I came home on Leave from the Navy. I talked to a very close friend of mine and she told me: 
"your life will change and it won't necessarily change for the good. You like going out on Friday and Saturday nights and she won't like/allow that. You are single, but would like to meet someone and won't have the opportunity to do that. It will end up being the same way (strictness) as it was for you in H.S. You should say to her, "Mom, I can't" and not do it. If you do it, and something happens while you are there, you will hurt her anyway by moving out." 

Well, she wasn't very happy to hear me say "no", but I felt much more comfortable saying that then going. Anyway, she lived in Indiana and I was in California at the time.


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## Debby (Aug 13, 2014)

ClassicRockr said:


> When I was in my early 40's, my step-mom wanted me to come back to the house and live again. My step-dad had passed-away a year or so earlier. ........Well, she wasn't very happy to hear me say "no", but I felt much more comfortable saying that then going. Anyway, she lived in Indiana and I was in California at the time.




Boy you escaped the noose!  At least if your mom is anything like mine!  Don't get me wrong, I respect  my mom and I love certain things about her, but her and I under the same roof would be a toxic mess.  Fortunately for me, my mom knows this about us so we both know she's going to be in some 1 bedroom senior residence.  Better for both of us.

So yeah, if you had tension enough that you couldn't wait to get out of there immediately (I left when I was 16), unless both of you have had a major life epiphany, probably the basics of your personality will still be there and it wouldn't have been long before 'IT' was back.  And then you'd be tearing your hair out.


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## Janis (Sep 6, 2014)

There are so many levels of care giving.   Once you have passed the 60 year mark,  you can bet in some degree you will either be a caregiver or the recipient of care.  I have always been extremely terrified of having a stroke.  So I insist that my husband and I follow a regime of eating what is good for us rather than what we want.  Still now that hubby is blind,  I still end up as caregiver and trying to maintain a two person required home with just me.  Hiring help is not only expensive but trying find that perfect handyman is almost a miracle.   I feel terribly trapped and extremely tired most of the time BUT hubby was there for me and so now it is my turn.,      With one child (a quaker serving in Palestine) with no plans to return to the US,   I have to do the best I can hoping my health doesn't deteriorate.  Wherever you end up on the caregiving scale, stay strong.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Sep 6, 2014)

Oh my, Janis. That has got to be hard. I hope at least you have some kind of respite care available. ((hugs))


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## Debby (Sep 7, 2014)

Janis said:


> There are so many levels of care giving.   Once you have passed the 60 year mark,  you can bet in some degree you will either be a caregiver or the recipient of care.  I have always been extremely terrified of having a stroke.  So I insist that my husband and I follow a regime of eating what is good for us rather than what we want.  Still now that hubby is blind,  I still end up as caregiver and trying to maintain a two person required home with just me.  Hiring help is not only expensive but trying find that perfect handyman is almost a miracle.   I feel terribly trapped and extremely tired most of the time BUT hubby was there for me and so now it is my turn.,      With one child (a quaker serving in Palestine) with no plans to return to the US,   I have to do the best I can hoping my health doesn't deteriorate.  Wherever you end up on the caregiving scale, stay strong.





Your situation is something that I try not to think about.  Having to go through those last few years on ones own that is.  My one daughter is less than sympathetic and the other is 3000 miles away.  I often wonder what happens to old people who are alone.  My two aunts who lived to be 91 each, had my mom who is 78 and other siblings to take charge of needs in their last couple years.

I think you're right about eating as good as you can and trying to stay as healthy as possible but unless we're lucky and just keel over unexpectedly, there's bound to be a couple years anyway where you might need some assistance.  One of the things I plan on doing (since wives are often the last to go) is when I'm 78 or so, I'm going to start interviewing residences and put my name on the list at one or two that I like.  My aunt was on a list for a seniors residence and she got to the top of it several times before she finally accepted a place.  

The aunt I was closest too didn't do any kind of looking in advance and she suddenly was taken ill and the family rushed around looking for a place and the only one that had an available room was not at all to her liking.  And because of poor health and an inability to make a move on her own, her last 7 years was a continuous aggravation to her.  So while no one wants to think about that phase of life, I think we should all be proactive in making decisions while we can.


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## Lee (Sep 8, 2014)

I was caregiver of sorts for my grandmother till she passed at 95. She maintained her own home several blocks away from me as some independence meant a great deal to her. I was there once or twice a day and a cordless phone was my greatest friend.

We are fortunate here in Canada to have help available to us for personal hygeine and home cleanliness. It's funny that Baba would not allow me to do some of the things that she readily accepted from her homecare lady such as baths.

Meals were my responsibility along with a noonday Meals on Wheels which was a great safety net of sorts as it could be reported back to me if anything was askance. Doctor appointments and such were fun days out for both of us as we could go for a little lunch at the same time.

I agree that keeping yourself fit while it does not ensure that you will not have problems down the road certainly might delay the inevitable.


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