# The Great Hamster Land-Speed Record and other strange tales



## SifuPhil (Dec 28, 2013)

*I DOOD IT!!!
*
*Another book published!*

This time it's mainly due to YOU folks!



​
*The Great Hamster Land-Speed Record and other strange tales* is a collection of "true" stories of my childhood that emphasize the perverse nature of my youth. You may have seen a few of my stories here on *SeniorForums.com* - well, here's more of the same.

I document my development from a swaddling babe into a legal adult through 14 stories of mayhem, terror and plain ol' idiocy, with exploits such as _The Great Curtain Conflagration of 1963_, _The Great Playboy Sneak-Peek of 1970_ and of course _The Great Hamster Land-Speed Record of 1973._

Lushly illustrated with all the pictures I could steal and written in a style reminiscent of Hunter S. Thompson during one of his nastier acid trips, *The Great Hamster Land-Speed Record and other strange tales* normally retails in *Kindle* format for *$3.99*, but if you can bear to wait until *January 1st, 2014*, it will be available *FREE* until midnight *January 3rd*. 

I do this because I love you folks, I do it because it's an act of supreme altruism, and I do it in the hopes that in return for this FREE book you'll be nice enough to leave a glowing review on Amazon.com. 






If for whatever reason you cannot download the book during the *FREE* period, fear not - for the paltry sum of *$3.99*, less than you will pay for a half-mocha latte non-fat cinnamon cappuccino, you can become the *proud owner* of this revolutionary piece of literature, sure to inspire and entertain you long after its virtual cover has worn off.  

And, if for whatever reason you do not _own_ a Kindle, Fire or one of the other million e-book reading devices, you can download a FREE piece of software that will read the book on your PC. 

Ain't technology grand?!?

AND, if for whatever reason you do not OWN a computer, I can email you a text version of the book during the *FREE* period! Just be advised that the cat has been getting frisky lately and there might be a few rips and tears, as well as coffee stains and tear-drops from the countless hours I spent giving my body and soul over to the writing of this epic volume ...

So, that's it in a nutshell - or a clamshell, or a bandshell, SOME kind of shell, anyway. *The Great Hamster Land-Speed Record and other strange tales* is available for $3.99 at Amazon.com, or *FREE* from January 1st to January 3rd, 2014.

Thank you ladies and germs, I hope you have a wonderful evening, and now without further ado we return you to your sponsor.​


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## Diwundrin (Dec 28, 2013)

Matey, I'd write you a ripper review based on that blurb alone. 





Will do! 

...* REMIND US*, we're gettin' on ya know.


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## SifuPhil (Dec 28, 2013)

Diwundrin said:


> Matey, I'd write you a ripper review based on that blurb alone.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I shall remind you all, fear not! I just installed an automatic Dark Net email-sending program, so you all can look forward to advertisements arriving in your in-boxes every 15 minutes or so for the next several months. 

*Only 4 days left until FREE DAYS! *

(Camel walking through forum on January 1st ... "What day is it today, huh? YOU know what day it is, don't you? It's FREE DAY!")


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## Diwundrin (Dec 28, 2013)

Anyone else ever do reviews on Amazon?  I (and probably Phil) will write you a few 'spammies' to put up if it'll help out.  Hell, everyone else does it. 

  (errr, *PM* us for 'em.

)


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## Ozarkgal (Dec 28, 2013)

Phil:





> I can email you a text version of the book during the *FREE period! *​


And..would that be autographed by you and Snerdley?


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## Jillaroo (Dec 28, 2013)

_Well i am impressed Phil, good luck with it_


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## SeaBreeze (Dec 28, 2013)

Congratulations Phil! :coolthumb:


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## Casper (Dec 28, 2013)

_*Good for you Phil..... :cool1:*_


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## SifuPhil (Dec 28, 2013)

Thank you, thank you, thank you all!



			
				Ozarkgal said:
			
		

> And..would that be autographed by you and Snerdley?



I can autograph it, but Snerdley will just be doing a paw-print. It's legal - we checked. 

As for the reviews on Amazon - just be yourself and write what you honestly think. Of course I'm hoping you'll like the book enough to _want_ to write a glowing review, but I think total honestly - warts and all - is still better than mindless flattery.

The good reviews feel wonderful, of course, and they tell me I've hit the target, but it's the critical ones that I learn the most from as far as what I did wrong. And sometimes, as in the case of the gentleman who reviewed my T'ai-Chi book and said that it was just _a lot of words_  ... 

Well, sometimes laughter IS the best medicine.


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## Diwundrin (Dec 29, 2013)

> as in the case of the gentleman who reviewed my T'ai-Chi book and said that it was just _a lot of words_  ...






I won't gild the lily Phil, that's the big 'tell' of review spammies.


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## SifuPhil (Dec 29, 2013)

Diwundrin said:


> I won't gild the lily Phil, that's the big 'tell' of review spammies.



Very true.

I had a friend that asked me to write an Amazon review for her book, and for some weird reason Amazon deleted what I wrote:



> I like this book. I really, really do. It's good. It has lots of words. It's a good book. You should read it. It isn't too long, but it's not too short either. It's just really, really good. I liked it.


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## Diwundrin (Dec 29, 2013)

Wow, I feel privileged now, I've snuck a couple through to 'published'.  Feelin' all smug about it now. 

  Some others never showed up though.


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## That Guy (Dec 29, 2013)




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## Diwundrin (Dec 29, 2013)

'As flash as a rat with a gold tooth.'


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## SifuPhil (Dec 29, 2013)

Yay! I got my first review!

I'm celebrating by foofing Snerdley all around the apartment! Good clean fun! 

"I got a review!" 

*foof*

"I got a review!"

*foof*


What a _busy_ day it's been!


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## SeaBreeze (Dec 29, 2013)

Looks like a sincere and very nice review...that's gotta feel good!


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## That Guy (Dec 29, 2013)

Most Excellent, Sir!


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## SifuPhil (Dec 30, 2013)

SeaBreeze said:


> Looks like a sincere and very nice review...that's gotta feel good!



It feels great - better than sex!




... well ... at least as I remember it ... 



			
				That Guy said:
			
		

> Most Excellent, Sir!



Thank you, thank you!

... although I have to admit that speed-reading guy reminds me vaguely of a fun house I used to visit in Playland Amusement Park in Rye, NY - it was both entertaining and terrifying at the same time, and had a huge mechanical clown face outside that would grin in that same empty, evil manner ... :cower:


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## SifuPhil (Dec 30, 2013)

One of my reader asked "please, pretty please?" for a sequel.

Now THAT is gasoline upon the fire of a writer's soul! epper:


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## Ozarkgal (Dec 30, 2013)

Way to go Phil..congrats on your book.  Waiting to download it...Don't abuse poor Snerdley too much yet.  He has to last through many more successes.


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## Diwundrin (Jan 1, 2014)

Don't forget Phil's book on Amazon.  Still reading it, review to follow.


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## SifuPhil (Jan 1, 2014)

Diwundrin said:


> Don't forget Phil's book on Amazon.  Still reading it, review to follow.



Thanks, Di - we had a nice little New Year's morning medical emergency here so my day has been kind of full. Got back and my student was waiting for me, so I had to beat him up for a few hours. But now I'm here, and want to remind y'all that

*The Great Hamster Land-Speed Record and other strange tales* 

is now *FREE* to download to your computer, tablet, Kindle or other reading devices 
until the very last minute of *Friday the 3rd*.

Enjoy, and if you like it please leave a review. ​


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## SifuPhil (Jan 1, 2014)

Yee-haw! I'm #1 on the Free list for Humor Essays! 


Thanks, folks! :thankyou:


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## That Guy (Jan 1, 2014)

SifuPhil said:


> Yee-haw! I'm #1 on the Free list for Humor Essays!


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## TICA (Jan 2, 2014)

I'm feeling very special that I know a famous author!!!!!!!!!    Congrats to you Sir!


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## SifuPhil (Jan 3, 2014)

Today's the last day (in the U.S., anyway ) to get the Kindle edition of The Great Hamster Land-Speed Record and other strange tales for FREE from Amazon. 

With over *200* free downloads in the last two days, *Hamster* has consistently been *#1 in the Humor Essay rankings* and is currently *#4 in Memoirs,* in addition to hovering around *1,500* in overall rank of _all_ Kindle books (over *2 million* total)! 

Hurry! After today you'll have to move Heaven and Earth to afford a copy of this classic bit of American-style humor. There are rumors that the author is moving to a remote desert island with several young women just on the income generated in the last two days, so your time is limited! 

*ACT NOW! DING! DING! DING!*


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## Pappy (Jan 3, 2014)

Got my copy, Phil. Haven't read it yet, but congratulations. Try not to spend it all in one place.nthego:


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## TICA (Jan 3, 2014)

Managed to get it downloaded with help.   Thanks Phil, I'll be spending my "snow day" reading this!


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## Diwundrin (Jan 3, 2014)

Been and done it.  Don't forget your reviews.

 btw Phil how goes that medical emergency?  Sorted?  Won't interfere with the island travel plans I hope?


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## SifuPhil (Jan 3, 2014)

Pappy said:


> Got my copy, Phil. Haven't read it yet, but congratulations. Try not to spend it all in one place.nthego:





TICA said:


> Managed to get it downloaded with help.   Thanks Phil, I'll be spending my "snow day" reading this!





Diwundrin said:


> Been and done it.  Don't forget your reviews.
> 
> btw Phil how goes that medical emergency?  Sorted?  Won't interfere with the island travel plans I hope?



Thank you all, and yes, Di, thanks for the reminder - reviews are greatly appreciated. They are a large part of what makes a book sell on Amazon.

The medical emergency is sort of ongoing - she has blocked main arteries on both sides of her neck and got a stent on the left side, goes in again on the 8th for the other side, but she's doing okay, thanks for asking. It was just a matter of sorting all the paperwork out, juggling appointments and procuring rides - sort of the equivalent of launching a Saturn V rocket in your backyard.


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## Diwundrin (Jan 3, 2014)

Yes good analogy, been down that track.  Best wishes for her and feel free to tell she's lucky to have you around.


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## Ozarkgal (Jan 3, 2014)

Phil..Glad your roomie got sorted out with her medical condition.  I wish the best for her.

Now about that book..downloaded my copy and read a couple of chapters..the first one I remember reading on here...funny stuff.  Thanks for the free copy and I will be sure to give you a nice review.

I just saw a piece on a news show about a couple that lost their jobs and were a hair's breath away from losing their home.  They have 5 little kiddos and their backs were up against the wall.  She decided to try to write an e-book and sat down and thought about the best sellers and what made them so.  She ended up focusing on 50 Shades of Gray and decided to write a steamy book in that vein, only from a heavy chic's perspective.  She and her husband wrote it together and it ended up on the Amazon best seller list.  They wrote several more steamy ones and one finally hit the NY Times best seller list.  They have written 20 or so books, all hits and needless to say, their financial troubles are over.  The funny part about it is that they were very religious and his father was a pastor.  She said members of her church don't really approve, but you do what you have to.

I thought of you when I saw this..I think there is a definite need for humor these days, and your book is timely.  Good luck to you and I wish you much future success...it's kind of a selfish thing..I want to be able to say..:Gee, I know him, he's a nut!"  LOL


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## SifuPhil (Jan 3, 2014)

Maybe I could try doing it from the viewpoint of a mental patient?

"_50 Shades of Cray-Cray_" 

Buddha knows I have enough experience ... 



> I want to be able to say..:Gee, I know him, he's a nut!"



That would be perhaps the finest compliment I could ever hope to receive, be it in personal conversation, written book review or when appearing before a tribunal of my psychiatrists. 

Thank you for your kind wishes, and I hope someday you have the opportunity to use that line.


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## SifuPhil (Jan 4, 2014)

Well, that was fun - thank you all once again for your interest in the book. I gave away 245 free copies in those three days, so even if I never sell another one I'll have hopefully brought a chuckle or two to a few folks.

Funny little incident this morning - I check on the book's Amazon listing and down toward the bottom, where they have a section entitled "_What Other Items Do Customers Buy After Viewing This Item?_", there is just one book listed:

*To Live Is Christ* by Beth Moore, a prolific religious writer.

I guess _my_ book, having submerged them in the Dark Side, sends them reeling toward The Light. :rofl:


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## Diwundrin (Jan 4, 2014)

Well I can guarantee that one wasn't on my viewing list.


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## SifuPhil (Jan 4, 2014)

Diwundrin said:


> Well I can guarantee that one wasn't on my viewing list.



Somehow your name never popped into my mind at the time ...


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