# How to Discipline the Children



## SandyR (Sep 30, 2022)




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## SandyR (Sep 30, 2022)

Unique way to get your children to do what you want them to do.  Any other ideas?


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## grahamg (Oct 1, 2022)

SandyR said:


> Unique way to get your children to do what you want them to do.  Any other ideas?


Some would say use the "carrot and stick" approach, (with employees or children), and others suggest you shouldn't try to be your child's friend, thus keeping some kind of authority over them.

Not sure I avoided the desire to be my child's friend, but if you can pretty much find enough areas of agreement, where there isn't any problem about the child doing as they're asked (or told if necessary), then this must be better than having disputes about all and sundry!


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## Tish (Oct 2, 2022)

What I did with mine, is take away stuff, that hurt them a lot more than smacking them, as they would have to do chores to earn those things back.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away and My husband and I were the Lord.

My eldest who was a very stubborn defiant child actually got down to his bed with regular linen on it, his bedside lamp, and second-hand clothes I bought him, instead of his nice labeled clothes and loss of all privileges.

It took about 2 weeks and he soon started to come around, he actually has never forgotten it, which tells me it worked.


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## Lawrence (Oct 2, 2022)

Rich Daddy rich Mommy pay their children to be good, poor Daddy poor Mommy tell their children to be good, is being good to be like your parents, parents discipline their children to obey, children obey to discipline their parents, is this a two way street or is everyone walking in circles, is the child disciplined in a way to command respect or to be respectful, which way does the parent chose, which world do you live in, what world do you want your child to be in.


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## Lavinia (Oct 2, 2022)

It starts right at the very beginning, when children are very young. Make it clear that you have certain standards and the child is expected to live by those standards. Punishment alters as the child gets older, slaps when very small, withdrawal of privileges when older.
The trouble is, that people have different standards and this is where there is often conflict between what you expect from your child and what other children get away with.


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## grahamg (Oct 2, 2022)

Lavinia said:


> It starts right at the very beginning, when children are very young. Make it clear that you have certain standards and the child is expected to live by those standards. Punishment alters as the child gets older, slaps when very small, withdrawal of privileges when older.
> The trouble is, that people have different standards and this is where there is often conflict between what you expect from your child and what other children get away with.


My brother, who has five now fully grown children, said that those parents unwilling to pull their children up when they behaved badly, or spoilt them too much, were far more cruel than those like him and his wife who expected their children to behave well, (to use his emotive word "cruel"). He wasn't overbearing but he was tough, and whilst he and my sister in law were up very early to milk the cows, their children were expected to be not that far behind them, so not lounging about in bed too long in the morning.

Having said that I did love a long lounge about in bed at the weekend when I was a teenager, and my brother had his battles with my parents over this and that, (though never went off the rails or did anything really reprehensible).


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## Pepper (Oct 2, 2022)

Lavinia said:


> *slaps when very small*, withdrawal of privileges when older.


How small is too small to 'slap,' dearest Lavinia?  Watch out, might be you getting slapped in the old age nursing home your slapped children may have you assigned to.  Just like that small child, there will be nothing you can do about it.  Karma.


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## Lewkat (Oct 2, 2022)

I've never slapped a child in my life.  On occasion, a minor swat on the derrière does the trick.  Rarely if every had to use this method.  A look was usually sufficient.


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## fuzzybuddy (Oct 2, 2022)

I think it depends on a bunch of factors, such as wealth, education, etc. There's no cookie cutter tool you can haul out, whenever. It's knowing your kids, their needs, and their wants, and what works for them. It's being aware that discipline is one facet of raising a child.


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## grahamg (Oct 2, 2022)

You have to remember too, that the parent (who we'd all hope loves their child more than anyone else), should know enough to decide for themselves the appropriate action required to keep their child safe for example, should they be in danger of harming themselves or putting themselves in danger, (all within reason of course, and these days this means very limited smacking permitted in England).


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## Sassycakes (Oct 5, 2022)

When I was growing up my mom would get a wooden spoon to hit me. I was very lucky though because my older sister would stand in front of me because she knew my mom would NEVER hit her. I have a son and daughter and 3 grandkids and have never had to discipline them at all. I only have to say to them is  "Don't do that !"


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## Fyrefox (Oct 19, 2022)

While in a pharmacy waiting area for my Covid booster yesterday, I observed a mother-child interaction that troubled me.  The child, perhaps eight years of age, repeatedly kicked his mother because he was upset missing soccer practice.  The sum total of the mother’s response to the boy was to tell him, “_Don’t do that!,_” an admonition which didn’t serve to deter the child’s behavior as he continued to get several kicks in before ceasing, possibly because his leg was tiring.  It was one of those times when I had to bite my tongue to avoid saying something.  Incompetent parenting is on display in too many places…


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## grahamg (Oct 19, 2022)

Fyrefox said:


> While in a pharmacy waiting area for my Covid booster yesterday, I observed a mother-child interaction that troubled me.  The child, perhaps eight years of age, repeatedly kicked his mother because he was upset missing soccer practice.  The sum total of the mother’s response to the boy was to tell him, “_Don’t do that!,_” an admonition which didn’t serve to deter the child’s behavior as he continued to get several kicks in before ceasing, possibly because his leg was tiring.  It was one of those times when I had to bite my tongue to avoid saying something.  Incompetent parenting is on display in too many places…


Here's what bothers me far more though, and it is a comment by an expert who was lamenting apparent failures in the UK to adequately protect children she said this line, "If we still can't protect children after ten years of attempting to do so what does this say about our society", (or words to that effect).

I can understand how someone heading up an agency with responsibilities of this kind might feel frustrated, but were I given the chance I would try to point out government agencies interference might struggle to protect children, and though more funding would allow more interference, it will not guarantee success. if the only certain thing is our family courts system can only undermine or destroy relationships between children and their parents. Very often one of the parents is denied all statutory rights here, and courts  cannot ensure relationships between parents and children are maintained, so this could be the damaging underlying issue, leading to the unfortunate or lamentable picture they described, (I mean where the relationship with both parents may help protect them).

The mother you observed may have been just as incompetent as you suggested, and we all love to see well behaved children when we come across them, ones with life and energy about them, though still able to be engaged with positively and enjoyed. At the same time the mother you described could have felt undermined as a parent, and unable to do more to restrain their child for fear a posse of government officials descending on her to scrutinise every aspect of her life.


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## Liannemomi (Dec 4, 2022)

SandyR said:


> Unique way to get your children to do what you want them to do.  Any other ideas?


Does anyone here still believe in spanking?


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## Murrmurr (Dec 4, 2022)

Bribery doesn't work. It can get them to do some things you want them to do, but it isn't a form of discipline. You have to teach kids _why_ they need to behave, and you can't do that with bribery. They're not likely to be well-behaved people if you don't teach them that bad behavior has consequences.

And by consequence I mean _an effect_. Like, let's say you saw your kid throwing rocks at an old lady. That kid needs to know how that made the old lady feel, and the physical injuries it could've caused. You don't say "I'll give you $5 every time you don't throw a rock at Deloris."


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## Shalimar (Dec 4, 2022)

Liannemomi said:


> Does anyone here still believe in spanking?


Absolutely not!


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## grahamg (Dec 5, 2022)

Liannemomi said:


> Does anyone here still believe in spanking?


If the child is about to put themselves in danger, what would you suggest is best, the level of physical smack permitted in most of the UK, or attempting another form of chastisement possibly risking the child becoming injured in some way on a road, (or worse!)?

Our former prime minister with a large family, including a child being born whilst he was in office, was prepared to state he smacked his children, (no doubt within the rules and to the level this is permitted here).

I would also add the "denial of love" or whatever other psychological methods of controlling children some might advocate can be far worse for the child to endure, than a parent smacking their child to the level permitted here.


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## Lavinia (Dec 5, 2022)

The state of society in both America and the UK shows that a liberal attitude doesn't work. People actually need discipline, guidance, rules and laws. That starts in the home. I don't know about America, but here in Britain church schools are more successful than others. They have a higher academic success and better-behaved pupils. Their rules are strict and enforced. This instils a sense of discipline, which people actually need. Pride and self-respect are vital. There is little of that around at the moment. Unless parents and schools change their attitudes, the general decline in our societies will continue.


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## horseless carriage (Dec 5, 2022)

Lewkat said:


> I've never slapped a child in my life.  On occasion, a minor swat on the derrière does the trick.  Rarely if every had to use this method.  A look was usually sufficient.


Now that I can relate to. In my manager role I would often deal with a recalcitrant telling me a load of bullsh**. The trick was to say nothing, then I would allow my specs to slide down my nose just enough to give a long glare-stare of pure napalm. How they would wriggle uncomfortably. Then one day I overheard a couple of the reprobates talking in the warehouse. The sentence that made me clench a fist and think: "Yesssssssssss!" was: "I f***ing hate it when he stares at me over the top of his glasses."


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## Been There (Dec 5, 2022)

I can remember back when I had parents until I was nine. They never laid a hand on me. I was disciplined a few times for doing things  I shouldn't have, but not by my parents using a weapon like a belt or a strap or even their hands. I was made to go to my room and "stay there" until I was told I could come out That was torture for a little boy, but I got the message.


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## win231 (Dec 5, 2022)

Liannemomi said:


> Does anyone here still believe in spanking?


Only ignorant parents who like to vent their anger & frustrations & assert their power by hitting someone who won't hit back.  They can't hit anyone else because they would be arrested.
And they can always justify it with terms like _"Discipline"_ or _"Strict."_


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## Disgustedman (Dec 5, 2022)

I remember when I was sitting in my van at a local sports complex. Two children had been brought over to the car the mother was a bit perturbed with both of them. 

While she was talking to one in the car the other one was standing outside chucking pine cones around and he turned and smacked the car with one. This was a four-door Mercedes. 

The mother got out and then spent the next 5 minutes talking with the child who was about 10 or so that what he did hitting the car with pine cone wasn't acceptable and there was no good reason for doing it. 

The thing is that she could have just hauled off smacked him once and said "don't do that again!" or something along those lines but I think more of him being told "think before you act because this does have consequences"

What's better for him and her because this was not a physical punishment but his head was hanging that he knew he had done wrong (I'm in the wrong) and that's what you got to reach out to them the young and tell them.

Physical punishment has its place but at the age of 7 and above it should be talking to the child discussing ways to outlet their dissatisfaction or their anger in a proper way and same for the adult not in physical violence.


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## Alligatorob (Dec 6, 2022)

Liannemomi said:


> Does anyone here still believe in spanking?


*Speak Roughly to Your Little Boy*

Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes;
He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases.

‘I speak severely to my boy,
I beat him when he sneezes;
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!’

     - Lewis Carroll, dead ~125 years now...


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## hearlady (Dec 6, 2022)

I guess I did a fair amount of yelling when my 3 kids were growing up. They got a swat once in a while from frustration. I guess I regret that but they say they forgive me and chuckle about it. 
We started young. The first time we went anywhere like a store and they started acting up we would turn right around, get in the car and go home. You have to prepare to do that but you don't have to do it again. If you tell them you will they believe it.
As they got older taking things away was effective.
They all turned out pretty good considering we did the best we could.
My daughter and SIL are great parents but I feel for them raising kids in this time as I'm sure our parents did.


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