# 47 Year old Bum



## Packerjohn (May 29, 2021)

My brother has been retired for a few years now but wants to go back to work in another town and live in a motel just to get away from his home.  The reason is that he has a 47 year old son living in the basement that has no job.  This son has been on/off drugs for a few years and has entered rehab programs but they don't seem to help.  He doesn't help at home and has swore often at my brother.  The problem is that his "lifestyle" is totally supported by the bum's mother.  My advice to my brother has been "tough love."  I have told him that his son must be forced out of the house.  I recommended that my brother pays 2 months rent for an apartment and buy a few groceries.  Tell the son that his job now will be to seek employment.  If he fails to find employment then perhaps he might apply for welfare.  Macdonald's, Tim Horton and other Mac places always seem to be hiring.  Anyone here know of this type of problem with family or neighbours?  I sure would love to hear your views on this.


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## Gary O' (May 29, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> *My advice to my brother has been "tough love."* I have told him that his son must be forced out of the house. I recommended that my brother pays 2 months rent for an apartment and buy a few groceries. Tell the son that his job now will be to seek employment. If he fails to find employment then perhaps he might apply for welfare. Macdonald's, Tim Horton and other Mac places always seem to be hiring. Anyone here know of this type of problem with family or neighbours? I sure would love to hear your views on this.




Yeah, tough love
Only, I wouldn't spend much on that adult lad

I suggest placing a large pizza in that basement
...then, while he's sleeping off that pizza, filling the basement with cement


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## Nathan (May 29, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> Anyone here know of this type of problem with family or neighbours?  I sure would love to hear your views on this.


Yes, we have a neighbor who enables his meth addict sons and allows them to live on his property.  They burglarize surrounding homes periodically.   The Sheriff's Dept. is aware of the situation, they used to regularly visit when one of the ones' would get crazy.  He has since died, but there is at least one other meth addict son living there, along with numerous med addicts that come and go.


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## DaveA (May 29, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> My brother has been retired for a few years now but wants to go back to work in another town and live in a motel just to get away from his home.  The reason is that he has a 47 year old son living in the basement that has no job.  This son has been on/off drugs for a few years and has entered rehab programs but they don't seem to help.  He doesn't help at home and has swore often at my brother.  The problem is that his "lifestyle" is totally supported by the bum's mother.  My advice to my brother has been "tough love."  I have told him that his son must be forced out of the house.  I recommended that my brother pays 2 months rent for an apartment and buy a few groceries.  Tell the son that his job now will be to seek employment.  If he fails to find employment then perhaps he might apply for welfare.  Macdonald's, Tim Horton and other Mac places always seem to be hiring.  Anyone here know of this type of problem with family or neighbours?  I sure would love to hear your views on this.


At 47, I think it's a little late for the son. Miracles do happen but at that age they would seem to be doubtful.


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## Aunt Marg (May 29, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> My brother has been retired for a few years now but wants to go back to work in another town and live in a motel just to get away from his home.  The reason is that he has a 47 year old son living in the basement that has no job.  This son has been on/off drugs for a few years and has entered rehab programs but they don't seem to help.  He doesn't help at home and has swore often at my brother.  The problem is that his "lifestyle" is totally supported by the bum's mother.  My advice to my brother has been "tough love."  I have told him that his son must be forced out of the house.  I recommended that my brother pays 2 months rent for an apartment and buy a few groceries.  Tell the son that his job now will be to seek employment.  If he fails to find employment then perhaps he might apply for welfare.  Macdonald's, Tim Horton and other Mac places always seem to be hiring.  Anyone here know of this type of problem with family or neighbours?  I sure would love to hear your views on this.


I side with DaveW, in that at age 47, the man has a tough road ahead of him.

Chances are good he'll never land a good paying job and will have to work until the very bitter end just to survive. How sad.

I hope the mans mother continues supporting him, because I believe your brother has done his fair-share.

When our children started moving out of the house and getting on their own, hubby and I made it clear, "_our home will always be home to you, and you will always be welcome, but do know that in the event you have to return because you are struggling, you will not be taking up residence and doing sweet nothing_".


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## Aunt Bea (May 29, 2021)

This problem started long before this man turned 47 and it may take years for him to become independent.

I would encourage your brother and his wife to see what type of addiction/rehabilitation facilities are available to this man and how he would qualify for them on his own with some form of government assistance.

Once he enters _the system_ it would be much easier to cut ties with him and engage in some tough love to keep him independent.

IMO it's too late to expect him to ever be fully independent but I'm sure that it would make his parents feel better knowing that he has an independent living situation that he will be able to maintain, with the government's assistance, after they are gone.


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## oldman (May 29, 2021)

I agree with you John. Kick his butt out of the house and tell mommy to stop enabling him. I also would make darn sure that he wasn't listed in my will. I would hate the idea that my inheritance to him would go to pay for drugs.


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## grahamg (May 29, 2021)

I once had a girlfriend who apparently went off the rails as a teenager, and developed a serious drug problem, (I only met her about ten years later, and she was very much better, and controlling her addiction with professional help).
That is one success story, and she had a very good/warm personality, made many friends and eventually had the family she wanted with someone, (our relationship ending amicably).
I would guess such a success is rare, and I admit I've been very intolerant of those in the throes of similar addictions, but a friend of mine takes a very different view, (and he's seen many more than I have).


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## fmdog44 (May 29, 2021)

Drugs tear at the fiber of all societies in every way possible. I just saw a documentary on the Vice channel about the Columbian drug cartels. I was startled at the enormous _tonnage_ of cocaine that comes out of Columbia every year. Why the UN does not commit troops to go their and engage the cartel militaries is my question. All countries would benefit from their extermination.


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## officerripley (May 29, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> My brother has been retired for a few years now but wants to go back to work in another town and live in a motel just to get away from his home.  The reason is that he has a 47 year old son living in the basement that has no job.  This son has been on/off drugs for a few years and has entered rehab programs but they don't seem to help.  He doesn't help at home and has swore often at my brother.  The problem is that his "lifestyle" is totally supported by the bum's mother.  My advice to my brother has been "tough love."  I have told him that his son must be forced out of the house.  I recommended that my brother pays 2 months rent for an apartment and buy a few groceries.  Tell the son that his job now will be to seek employment.  If he fails to find employment then perhaps he might apply for welfare.  Macdonald's, Tim Horton and other Mac places always seem to be hiring.  _*Anyone here know of this type of problem with family or neighbours? *_ I sure would love to hear your views on this.


Oh, wow, do I know of this type of problem! One in my immediate family and so many other people I talk to, it's to the point of seems like every family I know of has at least one family member like this in every generation. Looking back, it also seems to me that this kind of thing got really going more & more in about the 1970s, maybe due to the ultra-permissiveness of the Dr. Spock-kind of child rearing which had started some years earlier? IDK, but I swear it seems like it's just more and more prevalent.

I think the advice to your brother is what I'd do, give them a couple months' worth of rent and give them a deadline to be out of the house by.


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## HoneyNut (May 29, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> Anyone here know of this type of problem with family or neighbours?


I have a niece kind of like that, living in her mom's basement, off and on doing drugs and going to rehab, emotionally non-resilient and having low self-esteem (looks like to me), history of anorexia and permanent physical damage from that.  Just generally not having a consistently successful life (tho had some periods in the past of holding down a job).  She had a baby last year, so maybe being responsible for a child will help somehow.  I'm very glad tho that the baby is in a house with a competent grandmother, and I suspect my niece might have lost custody otherwise.
It is a difficult situation, I feel sorry for my sister-in-law having to deal with it, but (if I can believe her facebook posts) she herself is still having a happy successful life, posting pictures of short fun trips with friends and of the grandbaby.


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## Murrmurr (May 29, 2021)

Packerjohn, the problem with state run free-to-no-cost rehab is they only have a 20-30% success rate. States don't care because an 85% relapse rate keeps their rehab centers in business.

If your family can afford to get the guy admitted to a private substance rehab facility, that's where the money should go. The numbers are reversed at these places; 85-90% success; and patients who relapse are not charged for more treatment.


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## Knight (May 30, 2021)

Your brother is in a tough situation. He enables his wife to enable their son to live his life irresponsibly. But that is a problem that didn't happen overnight so he will have to suck it up & live with what has taken place over the years.

Once his wife realizes the fact she isn't going to be around to be the son's support system she will need emotional support. Maybe they have enough assets to support him for awhile when they both die. If not then chalk another "child" up to society supporting a lesser life style than he is used to. 

OR your brother could have a serious conversation with his wife about the damage she is doing by enabling the son to live off them. If the reality of no continued life style support once they die doesn't sink in, then as in the 1st. paragraph "he will have to suck it up & live with what has taken place over the years".


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## HoneyNut (May 30, 2021)

officerripley said:


> Looking back, it also seems to me that this kind of thing got really going more & more in about the 1970s


But how far back can *we *look? I doubt if many of us here were grown-ups in the 40s, 50s, 60s. I like reading historical romance books and many were written in the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and they have frequently bit-characters in the stories that have opium or alcohol problems, or just plain odd and incompetent family members. Nothing new under the sun?


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## Murrmurr (May 30, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Packerjohn, the problem with state run free-to-no-cost rehab is they only have a 20-30% success rate. States don't care because an 85% relapse rate keeps their rehab centers in business.
> 
> If your family can afford to get the guy admitted to a private substance rehab facility, that's where the money should go. The numbers are reversed at these places; 85-90% success; and patients who relapse are not charged for more treatment.


I just realized you're in Canada. I was talking USA. Your national healthcare rehab programs might compare to state systems here, but I have no idea.


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## Chet (May 30, 2021)

While something should be done, I hope it doesn't end up with a violent reaction from the son. It's something to keep in mind.


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## Knight (May 30, 2021)

Chet said:


> While something should be done, I hope it doesn't end up with a violent reaction from the son. It's something to keep in mind.


Good post & great thought. That is a serious consideration since at 47 the son is accustomed to being cared for like a child. But he isn't a child.


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## Remy (Jun 3, 2021)

That's horrible. That mother is a total enabler. Your brother is of coarse not a young man and shouldn't have to put up with this. I agree the son needs to go. If he ends up homeless he does. I know that sounds cold but should your brother ruin his own life to have this deadbeat in the basement.

I worked a lot of low wage menial jobs to support myself until I got a degree in my 30's. My job isn't easy but it does pay well.


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## fuzzybuddy (Jun 3, 2021)

You can't force rehab on anyone, and expect it to last. Without a strong desire to stop using drugs, no treatment  plan really works. And with the mother as an enabler, the son will most probably use, again. "Tough love" rarely works, it just forces addicts into riskier behaviors on the street. It's time for your brother and his wife to seek out various support groups for family members, and seek professional counseling. There is nothing better to help with addiction than people, who have first hand experience in dealing with it.


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## Packerjohn (Jun 4, 2021)

Thanks for all the comments.  I have read them all and I want to say that I have 3 adult children.  All are living on their own, all have their own homes and all have jobs.  I like to think that I am richly blessed.  Too bad for my brother.  Yes, he should have dealt with this bad situation at the beginning.  Now, it may be too late.  There is a lesson here for all parents  when their children want to move back in "just for a little while."  Thanks again; I appreciate your input!


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