# Reaching out when a friendship ends badly



## Marie5656 (Aug 1, 2018)

*About a year and a half ago, a friendship of almost 20 years was broken apart by a misunderstanding, and a "well meaning" person coming between us.  The other person wrote me and said she no longer want me as a part of her life....and I knew it was coming from an other person pushing her to end the friendship. 

Well, in recent weeks my husband has been looking at his life, and in thanks for his successful cancer diagnosis, decided to start reconnecting with long lost friends and family of his.  He has spoken with many.

After much thought, I told him that I decide to reach out to this person, in hopes of renewing the friendship.  Not sure what the outcome will be, but I hope we can reconnect.
*


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## C'est Moi (Aug 1, 2018)

I tried this a few years ago with someone who had been my closest friend but due to a misunderstanding (and a 3rd party's interference) we broke off our friendship.    A couple of years after the blow-up I tried to contact her but it was obvious she had totally moved on and had no interest... not that I blame her.  I still miss her but apparently she doesn't feel the same.  

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.   Good luck, Marie.


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## Marie5656 (Aug 1, 2018)

C'est Moi said:


> I tried this a few years ago with someone who had been my closest friend but due to a misunderstanding (and a 3rd party's interference) we broke off our friendship.    A couple of years after the blow-up I tried to contact her but it was obvious she had totally moved on and had no interest... not that I blame her.  I still miss her but apparently she doesn't feel the same.
> 
> Nothing ventured, nothing gained.   Good luck, Marie.



*​Thanks, but I recently got the impression from a mutual friend that this person may be willing to try to reconnect.  We will have to see.*


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## Falcon (Aug 1, 2018)

Marie,  DON'T  rush  into anything.   Just wait a while and see how things develop.  Maybe they're  OK

as it stands  NOW !


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## applecruncher (Aug 1, 2018)

Hmmm.

Marie, I suggest you think real hard about it before you do anything.

You want to reconnect because:
- your husband is reconnecting with people
- a mutual friend said the ex-friend would be willing
- another mutual friend was the cause of the breakup (or so you say)

You're blaming the third party for 'pushing' her to end the friendship.  Is your ex-friend not familiar with the term personal responsibility?  I don't need to know details, and I realize you two were friends for a long time, but do you really want to be close friends with someone who _*allowed*_ a third party to come between you?  I wouldn't.

If you decide to go forward, tread _very_ carefully.


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## Marie5656 (Aug 1, 2018)

Falcon said:


> Marie,  DON'T  rush  into anything.   Just wait a while and see how things develop.  Maybe they're  OK
> 
> as it stands  NOW !



You are right. I figure, if I get no response, or a response in the negative, I will not push the issue and let it go.


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## Marie5656 (Aug 1, 2018)

applecruncher said:


> Hmmm.
> 
> Marie, I suggest you think real hard about it before you do anything.
> 
> ...




The other person was her brother, who always tended to want to run her life.  I know for a fact it was him as he contacted me and told me he felt she should end our friendship.

Apple, I consider you a wise person, and always see you as a voice of reason, which I appreciate about you.  I should say that this person has some physical disabilities (but no cognitive ones) we met while I was working with others with disabilities.  Yes I was a "staff" at first, but we soon became friends after I left the employment.  She liked the fact that I treated her with respect, and looked beyond her limitations.  That is another story.  
Not sure why I mention this, I just wanted you to know that I thought of this BEFORE my husband made his decisions, and before the mutual friend brought it up.

But, it is something that I feel I want to do, no matter the outcome. I may be setting myself up for hurt, but I understand that.


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## RadishRose (Aug 1, 2018)

Hope it works out Marie, if you try it. If not, at least you're prepared and won't feel devastated. Good luck!


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## Aunt Bea (Aug 1, 2018)

If it's important to you then I would just pick up where you left off in a phone call or an email and see what happens.

_“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm __hug,__ or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” _- Maya Angelou

Good luck!


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## jujube (Aug 1, 2018)

Marie, I hope it turns out well.

I'm debating contacting my best friend in college, who was my maid of honor at my wedding.  Not too long after that, she got involved with a religious cult and my last contact with her was when she wrote me a letter saying that she could not be friends with me any longer because I was not "saved".  

I tracked her down on the internet and have her address.  I just can't bring myself to take that first step.  I'll be pretty bummed out if she rejects me again.


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## AprilT (Aug 1, 2018)

If I knew where to contact two of my old friends of which the friendships kind of soured for what I think were things we could have worked on under different circumstances, I would reach out to them in a minute.  I don't care if they reject me, it would hurt, but, it would give me real closure on the longing to reconnect, find out if life did them well and I'd at least know they are still around.  I'm not so sure one or both are still alive.  

I loved these ladies very much, just our paths at the time were taking different paths and some things go misconstrued.  Like I said, for no other reason, I'd like to know how they are.  I also realize sometimes it's best to let old dogs lie in a manner of speaking, however, I think in most of the cases mentioned here, doesn't sound like a bad idea to reach out as long as expectations are kept in check.  Hope for the positive, but be prepared if it doesn't go as we'd like.

This has no reflection on the long time friends I have presently of course, I adore them as well, some close friends 40 years and counting. 

Good luck all.


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## SeaBreeze (Aug 1, 2018)

Marie, best of luck to you.  It certainly doesn't hurt to reach out, worse case scenario is it doesn't change anything....but if it does, it may very well be worth your effort.


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## C_Sally (Aug 1, 2018)

Good luck. I hope it goes well but you seem very prepared for either outcome. :encouragement:


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## Gary O' (Aug 1, 2018)

Aunt Bea said:


> If it's important to you then I would just pick up where you left off in a phone call or an email and see what happens.
> 
> _“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm __hug,__ or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” _- Maya Angelou
> 
> Good luck!



Gosh...I've got to read her again

She always wore that genuine smile
Reading her stuff removes the mystery behind it


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## Gary O' (Aug 1, 2018)

Marie5656 said:


> .....it is something that I feel I want to do, no matter the outcome. I may be setting myself up for hurt, but I understand that.


We have some wonderful folks near here of which are of a similar situation, listening to a third party

It’s been three years since we last visited each other’s off grid abodes

There’s a reason defamation of character is so potent in the courts

Over those three years, I’ve strode by her cashier station ever time I go to a certain variety store, 50 miles south, waving, smiling
Seems she can’t help but wave back

She’s near the door, so it’s not like I’m going outa my way

Sometimes I just stop, if she’s not busy with a customer, chat about the snow, the ice on the highway…recently, the smoke from the forest fires

She’s been civil, but reserved

A few days ago, my lady and her got a chance to review what happened…or, more importantly, what didn’t

Hugs, tears between ‘em
Lots of head nodding

We’re having them over for BBQ in a few days


Words 

Are so potent

They can be heavy

Or light


.......I’ve learned the light ones have much more weight after the heavy ones


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## Marie5656 (Aug 2, 2018)

*​Update:  She got back to me this morning.  She accepted the hand I offered. She told me she had wanted to reach out, but was afraid I would not want to because of the way she ended our friendship.   *


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## RadishRose (Aug 2, 2018)

That's great Marie. How do you feel about it?


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## AprilT (Aug 2, 2018)

Marie5656 said:


> *​Update:  She got back to me this morning.  She accepted the hand I offered. She told me she had wanted to reach out, but was afraid I would not want to because of the way she ended our friendship.   *




:applouse:  That's great knews, thank you for the update.


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## Marie5656 (Aug 2, 2018)

RadishRose said:


> That's great Marie. How do you feel about it?



Good.  I think all will be OK.  Mending will take time, and we both agreed that when we get together we have a lot to talk about.


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## terry123 (Aug 2, 2018)

Good luck, Marie.  Hope all goes well.


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## Catlady (Aug 4, 2018)

Marie5656 said:


> You are right. I figure, if I get no response, or a response in the negative, I will not push the issue and let it go.



I've always believed that the worst thing you can look back on is the phrase  "What if?".  It is best to find out once and for all and take it from there.  Try to reconnect and if she refuses, you have your answer and your closing and no longer have to wonder the rest of your life that dreadful *'what if'*.


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## Marie5656 (Aug 4, 2018)

*Unfortunately, or fortunately the brakes got put on the re-connection.  What broke up the friendship was that I was falsely accused of things I did not do.  I had proof and documentation that I did NOT do these things.  BUT her brothers decided for her that I was wrong, and I was lying when I said I did not do these things.  So..her brothers influenced her again and she backed out.

I am fine..moving on.
*


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## Catlady (Aug 4, 2018)

AprilT said:


> If I knew where to contact two of my old friends
> doesn't sound like a bad idea to reach out as long as expectations are kept in check.  Hope for the positive, but be prepared if it doesn't go as we'd like.


Try TruePeople.com, it's not 100% accurate but it's free and has lots of info on the person.  Once I recognize their age and names of relatives and old addresses I usually know I have the right person.


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## Catlady (Aug 4, 2018)

Marie5656 said:


> *Unfortunately, or fortunately the brakes got put on the re-connection.  What broke up the friendship was that I was falsely accused of things I did not do.  I had proof and documentation that I did NOT do these things.  BUT her brothers decided for her that I was wrong, and I was lying when I said I did not do these things.  So..her brothers influenced her again and she backed out.  I am fine..moving on. *



Well, now you know and no more what if's.  Obviously, she's not a true friend if she will not accept your innocence in spite of your proof.


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## Marie5656 (Aug 4, 2018)

PVC said:


> Try TruePeople.com, it's not 100% accurate but it's free and has lots of info on the person.  Once I recognize their age and names of relatives and old addresses I usually know I have the right person.



My husband is tryin g to look people up. I will share this with him  It is actually https://www.truepeoplesearch.com/    and it worked for us


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## AprilT (Aug 4, 2018)

PVC said:


> Try TruePeople.com, it's not 100% accurate but it's free and has lots of info on the person.  Once I recognize their age and names of relatives and old addresses I usually know I have the right person.



I'll give it a look, but, last names likely have changed, we're talking decades since I last spoke to either of these friends.  Still, it won't hurt to give it a shot.  

Much appreciated.  :thanks:


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## Catlady (Aug 4, 2018)

AprilT said:


> I'll give it a look, but, last names likely have changed, we're talking decades since I last spoke to either of these friends.  Still, it won't hurt to give it a shot.  Much appreciated.  :thanks:



Marie above gave the website URL.  My daughter is listed under her current last name and a former married name.  If you know the name of a parent or sibling, you can try that and click on ''relatives'' if your friend is listed there.  Good luck!


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## SeaBreeze (Aug 4, 2018)

Marie5656 said:


> *Unfortunately, or fortunately the brakes got put on the re-connection.  What broke up the friendship was that I was falsely accused of things I did not do.  I had proof and documentation that I did NOT do these things.  BUT her brothers decided for her that I was wrong, and I was lying when I said I did not do these things.  So..her brothers influenced her again and she backed out.
> 
> I am fine..moving on.
> *



Well, kudos for giving it a go Marie, that's all you could have done.  It might be fortunately that the brakes were put on the re-connection, so you didn't invest any more time or emotions in the relationship, then have her break it off again or start with false accusations again.  You're a smart gal to just move on. :sentimental:


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## debbie in seattle (Aug 4, 2018)

All one can do is try and hope for a positive outcome.


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## applecruncher (Aug 4, 2018)

Marie5656 said:


> *Unfortunately, or fortunately the brakes got put on the re-connection.  What broke up the friendship was that I was falsely accused of things I did not do.  I had proof and documentation that I did NOT do these things.  BUT her brothers decided for her that I was wrong, and I was lying when I said I did not do these things.  So..her brothers influenced her again and she backed out.
> 
> I am fine..moving on.
> *



The fact that you would even consider providing documentation and proof in order to re-establish a friendship is bizarre.

You should stop blaming the brothers.

Again...
Your (ex)friend ALLOWED this to happen...more than once.


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## Shalimar (Aug 4, 2018)

SeaBreeze said:


> Well, kudos for giving it a go Marie, that's all you could have done.  It might be fortunately that the brakes were put on the re-connection, so you didn't invest any more time or emotions in the relationship, then have her break it off again or start with false accusations again.  You're a smart gal to just move on. :sentimental:


Qft.


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## moviequeen1 (Aug 5, 2018)

HI Marie,I'm sorry this didn't happen.Its too bad she listened to her brothers and couldn't decide on her own to renew your friendship. I wonder if they have some kind of hold on her,meaning 'listen to us,we know what's good for you'.Its her loss, not yours.You tried and that's the important thing,glad that you are moving on Sue


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## RadishRose (Aug 5, 2018)

Marie, Sorry you were disappointed but you're better off without her.


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## Chucktin (Aug 11, 2018)

Reconnecting, successful or not is to your benefit. The process is almost like grieving, and if _your_ side of the bonding was strong is exactly like grieving. But grieving also puts closure to memories and closure is a healthy thing.
Good fortune to you going forward.


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