# Retired Husband



## Meanderer (Feb 16, 2015)

RETIRED HUSBAND

After retiring, Bill Harris’ wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Target.  Unfortunately, like most men; Bill found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday his dear Wife received the following letter, from the local Target:


_Dear Mrs. Harris:_ 
_ 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1.   June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.  July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.  July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.  July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This
caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turnresulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time  and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5.  August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.  August 14:  Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.  August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.  August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'  EMTs were called.

9.  September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.  September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.  October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.  October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13.  October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.  October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;  'OH NO!  IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15.  Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16.  October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'  One  of the clerks passed out._


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## jujube (Feb 16, 2015)

You know what they say about retirement......"half the income, twice the husband."


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## Meanderer (Feb 17, 2015)




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## ClassicRockr (Feb 17, 2015)

I love to go shopping with my wife, but sometimes have to give her a little push to get her out of the Goodwill. She likes me being with her so I can stop her from buy some unnecessary things. She's even said to me, "thanks for not letting me buy that, I didn't need it anyway". She does the same thing to me......"do you really need that?" and I'll say "come to think about it, no." When I go shopping, I pretty much know what I'm looking for and don't "dilly-dally" around in a store. 

However, I don't make scene's in a store or do stupid crap.


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## jujube (Feb 17, 2015)

When my grandfather retired, he had no one to "supervise" any longer, so he started supervising my grandmother.   For some reason, she had managed to shop, cook, clean, and do all her household chores for 45 years without supervision but now she needed guidance.   He almost drove her crazy.  She wasn't washing the dishes correctly.....she wasn't stacking them in the dishdrainer correctly.....she wasn't putting them away in the right manner.   She was vacuuming the carpets in the wrong direction.   She wasn't making the beds right and let's not even talk about how badly she was doing the laundry and hanging it out.  He was suddenly The Expert on household matters that had been absolutely no interest to him before.   He died in his sleep one night; we're firmly convinced that she smothered him with a pillow and I, for one, think that no jury of her peers would convict her.


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## Ken N Tx (Feb 17, 2015)

jujube said:


> When my grandfather retired, he had no one to "supervise" any longer, so he started supervising my grandmother.   For some reason, she had managed to shop, cook, clean, and do all her household chores for 45 years without supervision but now she needed guidance.   He almost drove her crazy.  She wasn't washing the dishes correctly.....she wasn't stacking them in the dishdrainer correctly.....she wasn't putting them away in the right manner.   She was vacuuming the carpets in the wrong direction.   She wasn't making the beds right and let's not even talk about how badly she was doing the laundry and hanging it out.  He was suddenly The Expert on household matters that had been absolutely no interest to him before.   He died in his sleep one night; we're firmly convinced that she smothered him with a pillow and I, for one, think that no jury of her peers would convict her.


I basically did the same to my wife until she finally said "why don't you go fishing or play cards with your buddies!"..It worked!!


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## Shirley (Feb 18, 2015)

Ain't gonna touch this one.


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## Cookie (Feb 18, 2015)

I have heard some retired husbands turn into lost puppies when they stop working following their wives around the house and whimpering pitifully when they can't find her.


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## jujube (Feb 18, 2015)

My brother-in-law just got laid off yesterday...one of those big massive surprise layoffs. "OK...EVERYBODY OUT!"  He's already driving her crazy


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## Meanderer (Feb 18, 2015)

Many men are forced to retire because of age.  They have a hard time adjusting.  They have to realize that they are on her turf now, and be content to manage themselves.


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## Ken N Tx (Feb 19, 2015)

Cookie said:


> I have heard some retired husbands turn into lost puppies when they stop working following their wives around the house and whimpering pitifully when they can't find her.



My wife took me for a longgggggg ride in the country...I found my way back!!!!


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## Meanderer (Feb 23, 2015)




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## Butterfly (Feb 23, 2015)

I have a friend whose retired husband was driving her so batty she got a part time job at McDonalds to get away for a few hours every day.  She discovered she likes it, so she happily flips burgers with the kids while he alphabetizes her spice shelf or whatever worthwhile project he has come up with.


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