# What’s the hardest thing you have done?



## Mr. Ed (Sep 21, 2020)

For me the most thing I have done in life was emptying myself of all preformed notions of life and trusting in myself to live each moment as it comes to me. Sometimes I lose patience or get upset over trivial nonsense I put myself in a context from people from whom I feel wronged until I realize my error and recenter myself. 

Overcoming mental illness was not easy, but highly productive.


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## Aunt Marg (Sep 21, 2020)

Believing in myself and exuding confidence.

As most people know, we are our own worst critics, but being able to overcome ones weaknesses can prove to be the biggest challenge of all.


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## RadishRose (Sep 21, 2020)

Divorced.


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## Keesha (Sep 21, 2020)

Caring for my parents while knowing they disinherited me . It was brutal.
Deleted. The worst is too horrible to write about.


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## Aunt Marg (Sep 21, 2020)

Keesha said:


> Caring for my parents while knowing they disinherited me . It was brutal.


Boy, now there's a test.

Kudos to you, Keesha, for remaining steadfast.

If that doesn't test ones strengths/weaknesses, I don't know what does.


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## Sassycakes (Sep 21, 2020)

*I have had a few very hard things to deal with,but the hardest thing was my Older  brothers and his wife's hatred of me and my sister. Years ago at my last attempt to change the way things were between us was when I heard his wife was ill. I called everyday to speak to her and tried to heal the hate they both had for us. It didn't work and until he passed away a few years ago his hatred for us remaind.  *


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## JustBonee (Sep 21, 2020)

Say good-bye to my husband at the hospital,   as I waited for the ambulance  to take him to the funeral home.     
...  always with me


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## win231 (Sep 21, 2020)

Quitting smoking 38 years ago.  I learned the true meaning of the word:  Addiction.


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## macgeek (Sep 21, 2020)

the passing of my mom and grandmother one month apart. hard to believe it was 20 years ago.


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## Aneeda72 (Sep 21, 2020)

Hmm, so many hard times in my life so many hard things I had to do.  The hardest, looking back, leaving, just picking up my disabled 2 year old son, one suitcase, and leaving my first husband.  With only a high school education, no job, no prospects, no money, and a long hard road ahead.

I begged my mother to let me/us live with her for a short while.  She agreed because I “had the baby”.   got a job at a company within walking distance of her apartment making copies on an old ink machine.  You put ink in a roller, and hand cranked the paper through.  Second shift.

Got a one bedroom run down apartment, food stamps which you paid for in those day, welfare for medical coverage, took my son to a sleep over babysitter, and, finally, a 200 dollar car, and a divorce.  Never looked back-till now.


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## Sassycakes (Sep 21, 2020)

Realizing todays date in September of 1965,my Mom's 85yr old Dad was at a feastday with his oldest daughter and he wondered off. We went on search parties after search parties until a month to the day he went missing a young boy found my Grandfathers body. They were horrible days.


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## drifter (Sep 21, 2020)

Quitting smoking I think was the hardest thing I've done.


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## FastTrax (Sep 21, 2020)

I always thought that dishonesty, disloyalty and betrayal were the worst crimes in ones life until I read some of the personal horrors described here.

 Man, just Man. Stay blessed.


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## hollydolly (Sep 21, 2020)

I have a lot of hard things to deal with in life, but one that springs to mind is similar to Macgeek... losing my mum and grandfather (both suddenly)... exactly 7 days apart... it was a terrible shock..


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## Gaer (Sep 21, 2020)

It's not that I can't go there, I refuse to go there!  A negative thought and a positive thought cannot occupy the mind at the same time.  I'm training myself to NOT bring up bad memories and wallow in the past.  Thoughts are very powerful and preceed what happens in your life.


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## Aneeda72 (Sep 21, 2020)

Gaer said:


> It's not that I can't go there, I refuse to go there!  A negative thought and a positive thought cannot occupy the mind at the same time.  I'm training myself to NOT bring up bad memories and wallow in the past.  Thoughts are very powerful and preceed what happens in your life.


Alrighty then


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## Keesha (Sep 21, 2020)

Keesha said:


> Caring for my parents while knowing they disinherited me . It was brutal.
> Deleted. The worst is too horrible to write about.


Today I made an appointment for counselling. Something I have needed for quite some time now.
I have a huge chip on my shoulder, am snapping at others and getting emotional far too often. I’m SUPER intense and it’s not getting better. I’d even consider medication. There are traumas I haven’t dealt with which I really need to; they’re eating me alive: The way the world has suddenly changed forever doesn’t help much either.


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## Pepper (Sep 21, 2020)

@Keesha
I thought something was up.  I  ♥ you, you are a good friend.  Want the best for you ALWAYS.  Hugs.


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## Pepper (Sep 21, 2020)

The hardest thing for me is the deaths of loved ones.  There are 7 so far.  We're built to take it and carry on but it hurts so much.


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## FastTrax (Sep 21, 2020)

Keesha said:


> Today I made an appointment for counselling. Something I have needed for quite some time now.
> I have a huge chip on my shoulder, am snapping at others and getting emotional far too often. I’m SUPER intense and it’s not getting better. I’d even consider medication. There are traumas I haven’t dealt with which I really need to; they’re eating me alive: The way the world has suddenly changed forever doesn’t help much either.



You possess a delicate heart. You're in my prayers.


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## officerripley (Sep 21, 2020)

Watching my mom draw her last breath (from cancer). I was alone in the house with her when she died.


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## Keesha (Sep 21, 2020)

Pepper said:


> @Keesha
> I thought something was up.  I  ♥ you, you are a good friend.  Want the best for you ALWAYS.  Hugs.


 Yeah. Somethings up. Thank you. I love you too. 


FastTrax said:


> You possess a delicate heart. You're in my prayers.


Thank you.


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## PamfromTx (Sep 21, 2020)

The hardest thing for me was watching my mother suffer so much prior to passing away.  Taking her last breath literally made me go into shock.  I can never forget all she suffered.

Photo is of Mom at age, 18.


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## Pink Biz (Sep 21, 2020)

*Leading up to, during and after experiencing life-altering financial ruin a long time ago, I made terrible choices and had to deal with the consequences of my mistakes for many years. No one to blame but myself.*


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## Pappy (Sep 21, 2020)

Quitting smoking was so easy for me. It only took me 40 years to do it....easy--peasy.
But one of the hardest things for me to do, and still is, getting up in front of people and talking to a group. In school, on book review day, I literally got sick to my stomach.


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## Lewkat (Sep 21, 2020)

Of course all the difficult things stated here and then some are beyond hard for many folks and I've had my share.  Certainly my profession has handed me many difficult challenges.  So, for a bit of levity, I'll go back to my childhood.  There was a driveway separating our house and property from 3 houses and their yards.  We burned coal in those days for heat and the owner of the driveway wanted our families to dump the ashes on the driveway and his car tamped them down.  We kids would run up and down it as well.  My mom warned me that if I fell and cried, she'd give me something to cry for.  Well, from her mouth to God's, I ran right down that driveway, fell, really scraped myself up and it hurt like the blazes, but hard as it was, never a tear fell to my cheeks.   Believe me, a 4 yr. old falling a scraping along coal ashes hurts folks.  And from that day forth, I knew I could tough out anything thrown at me.


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## FastTrax (Sep 21, 2020)

pamelasmithwick said:


> The hardest thing for me was watching my mother suffer so much prior to passing away.  Taking her last breath literally made me go into shock.  I can never forget all she suffered.
> 
> Photo is of Mom at age, 18.View attachment 123737



Lovely. A beautiful mother raised a beautiful daughter in both sight and spirit. You're blessed.


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## Nathan (Sep 21, 2020)

Mr. Ed said:


> What’s the hardest thing you have done?



The hardest thing I had to do was to kick my son out of my house, because of his drug use.   He had decided not to finish senior year in high school, and thought that sitting around in his room and getting high all day would be a great way to spend his life.  When he turned 18 I gave him some choices: he can continue living with me IF:  A. he quits using drugs, B. he goes to rehab, C.  he either goes back to school or gets a job(preferably both).    When the deadline arrived, his decision was to leave.    He has straightened up now, clean & sober for 12 years, pursuing a successful career while going to law school.   He is my hero...


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## Irwin (Sep 21, 2020)

Pappy said:


> Quitting smoking was so easy for me. It only took me 40 years to do it....easy--peasy.
> But one of the hardest things for me to do, and still is, getting up in front of people and talking to a group. In school, on book review day, I literally got sick to my stomach.



Same here. Except on the days when I'd have to do a book report, I just wouldn't show up for several days, and then I'd get suspended for cutting school.

About the age of 42, I decided I was going to overcome my glossophobia and started a group for people who feared public speaking. After running the group for about a year, I joined a Toastmasters club. Then about six months after that, I started teaching kind of a continuing education class to help people overcome their fear of public speaking.

I never completely overcame my glossophobia, but I got it somewhat under control. Everything is relative. Compared to how bad it was, it was a miraculous recovery!


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## FastTrax (Sep 21, 2020)

Nathan said:


> The hardest thing I had to do was to kick my son out of my house, because of his drug use.   He had decided not to finish senior year in high school, and thought that sitting around in his room and getting high all day would be a great way to spend his life.  When he turned 18 I gave him some choices: he can continue living with me IF:  A. he quits using drugs, B. he goes to rehab, C.  he either goes back to school or gets a job(preferably both).    When the deadline arrived, his decision was to leave.    He has straightened up now, clean & sober for 12 years, pursuing a successful career while going to law school.   He is my hero...



I had to deal that anguish with my oldest daughter from my first marriage. One day at a time. One day at a time.


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## Mr. Ed (Sep 21, 2020)

I haven’t experienced happiness since my surgery. I’m struggling way to hard just to ease by. My work is highly stressful, then there is COVID-19 and of course surgery. 

My work offers EAB support and free counseling.


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## Ladybj (Sep 21, 2020)

One of the hardest things was give birth.   Another was work on my inner self - face my Anxiety, etc.


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## Ladybj (Sep 21, 2020)

Pink Biz said:


> *Leading up to, during and after experiencing life-altering financial ruin a long time ago, I made terrible choices and had to deal with the consequences of my mistakes for many years. No one to blame but myself.*


I can DEFINITELY RELATE.  That was one of the hardest things I had to deal with as well.  Hubby and I made HORRIBLE financial choices which almost led to divorce.  We separated for about 3 yrs.  I sure learned my lesson from that. I was down so low did not know how I was going to get back up but I did..


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## Ladybj (Sep 21, 2020)

Mr. Ed said:


> For me the most thing I have done in life was emptying myself of all preformed notions of life and trusting in myself to live each moment as it comes to me. Sometimes I lose patience or get upset over trivial nonsense I put myself in a context from people from whom I feel wronged until I realize my error and recenter myself.
> 
> Overcoming mental illness was not easy, but highly productive.


I am on that journey and it is NOT easy by no means.  We have been taught so much by our parents, teachers, etc. but at the wonderful age of 60, I had to do a little searching for myself.  To let go of anxiety, fear, people pleasing, etc.  I applaud you, its not easy working on inner self.  My counselor once told me a lot of people do not work on their inner self because it is so hard to do and she is so right.  But its SO WELL WORTH IT!!


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## fancicoffee13 (Sep 21, 2020)

Total Knee Replacement!!!!!!!


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## Giantsfan1954 (Sep 21, 2020)

Signing my husbands DNR, putting a beloved dog to sleep on my own, cutting my brother out of my life because of his toxic partner.


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## Ladybj (Sep 21, 2020)

Giantsfan1954 said:


> Signing my husbands DNR, putting a beloved dog to sleep on my own, cutting my brother out of my life because of his toxic partner.


WOW!! that's hard.  I pray you and your brother can find your way back to each other.


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## old medic (Sep 21, 2020)

Responding to an overturned 4 wheeler accident, having 1st responders request a helicopter for a head injury...
and arrive to find our son on the ground with his face crushed in....

Concussion, crushed Eye socket required surgery x3, 17 stiches to close a scalp wound, but recovered


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## jujube (Sep 21, 2020)

Bonnie said:


> Say good-bye to my husband at the hospital,   as I waited for the ambulance  to take him to the funeral home.
> ...  always with me



Like Bonnie, that's mine.  Holding his lifeless body and knowing that when I walked out of the emergency room, I'd never see him again.  Just one more minute, just one more minute.....   What helped was signing the papers for donation of salvageable parts, knowing that parts of him would live on.

The second hardest was getting on a plane to fly across the country to try to get to my sister's side before she died.  I didn't make it on time.


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## Gary O' (Sep 21, 2020)

*What’s the hardest thing you have done?*



Mr. Ed said:


> Overcoming mental illness was not easy, but highly productive.


Visiting my first born son in a secured mental ward (seeing him chained head to toe), before he was diagnosed with catatonic schizophrenia.
That was a tough one, probably the toughest

I'd post my story on that one, but it's been posted too many times
I don't mind re-reading it, just don't wish to upset anyone



Gaer said:


> It's not that I can't go there, I refuse to go there! A negative thought and a positive thought cannot occupy the mind at the same time


I get that
Darkness can never exist in light
Yet light can remove darkness


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## gennie (Sep 21, 2020)

Hardest thing for me was burying my child.


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## PopsnTuff (Sep 21, 2020)

Single parenting my three children after a divorce in two different states, trying to recoup thru my last two major surgeries was rough....
and living thru each day while my son was in Iraq and injured....
like so many others above, I've never been affected by any particular death in the family cuz I moved away from them at 21....my heart goes out to everyone who suffered the grief and loss of someone close.


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## Lara (Sep 22, 2020)

Having to make myself move forward for the sake of my 4 children (ages 1,2,4,and 6) after my husband died suddenly on the tennis court at the age of 46. I was 36. Raising all 4 while hurting inside from the loss of my husband of 12 years (never remarried) was an overwhelming challenge but at the same time I enjoyed creating the most "normal" happy childhood as possible for them, while doing my best to spread my attention equally for each one.

I moved us from CA to VA (closer to family) and told the realtor that I didn't care so much about what the house looked like but I wanted a pasture for horses, a big oak tree for a rope swing, an area to grow a vegetable garden, a stream in the woods, a view of the Blue Ridge Mountains with sunrises and sunsets, a great school and community, a nice church...and also ended up with a pool I didn't request but built a very secure fence around it and it was a joy. We had cherry trees and apple trees. And 5 acres to roam.

We took lots of family vacations. I gave them each 3 extracurricular activities to get involved in which made 12 for me to drive to and from, attend soccer games, baseball, tennis teams, ballet, horsebackriding lessons and shows (I even got a horse trailer...never choose a sport you have to pull along behind you  ), music lessons, field hockey games, and ice hockey, swim team, birthday parties and more. We did lots of art projects.

Don't get me wrong...we had our struggles too...it wasn't all fun all the time for them. There were hospital visits, therapists, school issues, etc.

And I wonder sometimes if it would have been better for me to be a working mom so the kids could see that part of reality. You know, that the things we had and the things we did together don't come without hard work. I went back to work but not until they left for college. Plus, I kind of lost myself in the children...never having time to date and marry..rarely having adult conversation.

But they remind me often of how grateful they are for their childhood memories which I give credit to their Dad for making it all possible financially. We're all a close-knit family now.


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## katlupe (Sep 22, 2020)

I have had quite a few very hard periods in my life. Each time, I think this is the hardest. Being a single parent of an adult disabled child who now, at 50, includes mental issues that were not evident before. Or at least not that apparent. This is a never ending responsibility. I have been considering getting some counseling for myself to learn how to deal with it.


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## Aneeda72 (Sep 22, 2020)

Ladybj said:


> WOW!! that's hard.  I pray you and your brother can find your way back to each other.


After a decade my brother not talking to me because off I told him what a self centered piece of work he was, the virus has made him realize that life is too short and he has started talking to me again.  Which means that his wife, who I really like, is free to talk to me again.

He hasn’t changed, but apparently he’s gotten over what I said .


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## Aneeda72 (Sep 22, 2020)

gennie said:


> Hardest thing for me was burying my child.


I can certainly relate to this.  When our baby died no one thought to take a picture of him for me, but husband waited till I was out of the hospital so I could deal with and arrange the funeral.  We were so young.  It was so hard as he was born Christmas Day and died two days later.  

Among the pictures of my other children there sits a picture of Matthew’s casket.


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## Fyrefox (Sep 22, 2020)

My hardest thing was visiting my father in the nursing home, profoundly diminished as he was from Parkinson's Disease, not wanting to see him in that condition but knowing that each time I saw him there might be my last...


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## FastTrax (Sep 22, 2020)

Gary O' said:


> *What’s the hardest thing you have done?*
> 
> 
> Visiting my first born son in a secured mental ward (seeing him chained head to toe), before he was diagnosed with catatonic schizophrenia.
> ...



I find at times when things get unbearable it's best not to bottle it up but to let it out so I'm always willing to lend an ear GO. Always. You have my word on that.


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## Gary O' (Sep 22, 2020)

FastTrax said:


> I find at times when things get unbearable it's best not to bottle it up but to let it out so I'm always willing to lend an ear GO. Always. You have my word on that.


Oh, I hardly ever bottle things up.
I just don't care to bore anyone, especially when it's been posted more than once.

But, here 'tis;

I just watched the movie 'Shine' last night

.....reminded me of my eldest son

was hard to hold emotion thru some parts

was much harder for my Lady

but we remained

riveted

My son
Excelled in academics
Skipped grades
Won awards
Became somewhat sought after
Mensa
Artistic things hung in municipal halls
Life for him was just too slow apace
Stayed up for days at a time
He’d regurgitate all his thoughts to his mother and I
It was a bit suffocating

Then one day he came to me in my shop
....and began crying, telling me he felt he was going crazy,
but unable to put his feelings into words
I hugged him
Told him all kids go thru puberty and change
‘this too shall pass’ kinda thing

The next years are a blur
I guess maybe I never have wished to dwell on the events in those years

I’ll try to piece some together on my own, as I know better than to ask my lady


He ended up in prison
At 19
Advancing from a minimum security facility to OSP
And on to ‘thunderdome’
Where nobody wants to go

Tried to arrange visits
Rejected countless times
Talked to OSP counselors
‘forget your son, concentrate on your other children’

We got a call
OSP does not call anyone
‘You need to see your son’

The visiting area was like a staging zone for zoo critters
Steel tables, benches, cemented in
Chain link walls and doors
He was led in by guards
Shackled head to toe
Made to sit
Unseeing eyes
No recognition
Indistinguishable utterances
He stunk to high heaven
Never looked our way

On the way home I had to pull over, off the freeway
I don’t remember the last time I cried
Maybe as a small child...
But
Never wept like that in my life
And have yet too since
Bitter
Helpless
Godless
Utter hopelessness

A week (?) later we got another call
He was being transferred to the psych ward across the street
Where ‘One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest’ was filmed

We were told he had quit eating entirely
Weighed 90 lbs
A guard carried him across the street in his arms

We were led to the visiting area
Typical booth like situation for visitors
Only, the other side of the glass was something from a zombie movie
We got to watch him attempt to drink milk and cry

My lady had a very hard time
I went alone
Weeks of visiting later, he was released
Just like that

After 7 years of maximum security

to us

I do not do well when cleaning up men with uncontrolled body functions

Triage
Nut bins
Meds

It’s all a blur

Somewhere in there, when he was still cognizant, I did a bit of a fraught thing…

We talked about his options
He wanted to go camping

So

Him and I packed his meager belongings

Bought him some basic camp stuff

Drove him to the Trask river area


And dropped him off

while it began to rain

Ever do something that gave you immediate relief, knowing the end result would probably not be optimal?

The sack of cats Dad would have me toss out the window of a speeding Chevy may have had an influence

On the way back home, I tried not to think.

Still

Thoughts crept in

Maybe he’d just lie there curled in his sleeping bag
Inert
Oblivious
Until days later large birds of prey would dine on his remains

It’s all a blur

They found him 300 miles south
Incoherent

The Tillamook women’s mental health facility asked us to take him back 'he can't stay here'

More triage

Got him hooked up with a place called Luke-Dorf

General population nut bin for semi-functional goofballs
Then what they call the quad
Then paired up in a shared apartment
And now
On his own
On a budget

I figger the tax payer’s dollars for this are from this tax payer

During these times he’d ever so often not take his meds
Sometimes it was because they changed colors or shapes and he didn’t think they were right
Sometimes it was just because he thought he no longer needed them
Always ended with me going over there, reattaching his phone, and fishing his glasses outa the toilet.

He’s as functional now as you and me, first look.

As long as he takes his meds.

Sorry
This is jumbled time line mess
My lady can recite the events like they happened yesterday
7 or more years of them
I will not take her there


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## CarolfromTX (Sep 22, 2020)

Oh dear God! I feel like I have lived a charmed life compared to y'all. I had some rough times growing up, or so I thought, but nothing compares! I've had some rough patches, but still...  God bless you all!


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## Lara (Sep 22, 2020)

...this is beyond "the hardest thing" for anyone to bear Gary O. It's a miracle that he's as functional now as you and me..."as long as he takes his meds" and we can be grateful for any steps forward. But still, you and your wife don't deserve this lifetime of deep disappointment and dark memories. I'm sorry Gary. Do you have support to give you comfort?


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## PopsnTuff (Sep 22, 2020)

That is truly alot to go thru @Gary O'....my heart is with you and yours


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## Pinky (Sep 22, 2020)

@Gary O' 
((HUGS))


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## FastTrax (Sep 22, 2020)

Gary O' said:


> Oh, I hardly ever bottle tings up.
> I just don't care to bore anyone, especially when it's been posted more than once.
> 
> But, here 'tis;
> ...



Remember "Footsteps" GO? Even when you are not with your son he will never be alone. GOD will walk in the sand for him.


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## peramangkelder (Sep 22, 2020)

Took me 10 years to get enough courage to divorce my abusive husband of 37 years
I'm glad I did but now I am estranged from my 2 adult children because they blame me
I wish I had not waited so long and you know if I had killed the **** I would have only served 25 years


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## Repondering (Sep 22, 2020)

I looked after my bipolar mother for 60 years and dad despised me for doing what he wouldn't learn how to do.  When his pancreatic cancer struck, I nursed him as well......mercifully for everyone his death came pretty quick.  His last words to me were, "You're not good enough to shine Skip's shoes".  Skip was the older of my two brothers and dad's favorite.  Dad's been gone 19 years, Mom a bit more than a year and a half and Skip 2 years.
Now I'm 67 years old and figuring out what to do with the time I have left.  It would be nice to not keep thinking about the past.


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## hellomimi (Sep 22, 2020)

Agreeing to divorce


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## Gary O' (Sep 22, 2020)

Lara said:


> Do you have support to give you comfort?


Yes, He's with me always
Even when I falter.....especially when I falter


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## Gary O' (Sep 22, 2020)

Lara said:


> you and your wife don't deserve this


Heh, don't know anybody that deserves what most go thru

It just is

Everbod has their share
It comes in many forms, as noted throughout this thread


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## FastTrax (Sep 22, 2020)

Gary O' said:


> *What’s the hardest thing you have done?*
> 
> 
> Visiting my first born son in a secured mental ward (seeing him chained head to toe), before he was diagnosed with catatonic schizophrenia.
> ...



Thanks GO. Your story is proof positive that one truly has to walk in another's shoes to fully understand their lot in life. This movie is as close as one can get to know what you have experienced. You and your son are in my prayers.

I hope you don't mind my sharing this telling story with our family here.

Just the first few minutes are in Spanish but the rest of the video is in English.


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## deesierra (Sep 23, 2020)

Mr. Ed said:


> For me the most thing I have done in life was emptying myself of all preformed notions of life and trusting in myself to live each moment as it comes to me. Sometimes I lose patience or get upset over trivial nonsense I put myself in a context from people from whom I feel wronged until I realize my error and recenter myself.
> 
> Overcoming mental illness was not easy, but highly productive.


You're on a good path Mr. Ed. Keep faith in yourself, one day at a time.


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## deesierra (Sep 23, 2020)

fancicoffee13 said:


> Total Knee Replacement!!!!!!!


Did that 7 months ago. The first month was the hardest. Luckily I had a friend staying with me to make life easier. Physical therapy was necessary I suppose, but couldn't wait to escape that tedium! No regrets though, my new knee has changed my life.


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## peramangkelder (Sep 23, 2020)

Repondering said:


> I looked after my bipolar mother for 60 years and dad despised me for doing what he wouldn't learn how to do.  When his pancreatic cancer struck, I nursed him as well......mercifully for everyone his death came pretty quick.  His last words to me were, "You're not good enough to shine Skip's shoes".  Skip was the older of my two brothers and dad's favorite.  Dad's been gone 19 years, Mom a bit more than a year and a half and Skip 2 years.
> Now I'm 67 years old and figuring out what to do with the time I have left.  It would be nice to not keep thinking about the past.


@Repondering I feel the same as you in that I am the eldest of 2 girls and in my Alcoholic Mother's eyes
I was to blame for anything and everything that went wrong whereas my younger sister could do no wrong
My Mother and Father divorced when I was 12 and Mum took great delight in telling me it was all my fault
she had to marry Dad in the first place. I often find myself thinking about the past and the worst times
for this are when I am by myself or I am unable to sleep and I go over the awful things she did and said to me
Read the following....it may help....but know this....you are NOT alone....you have many friends here 

'Yes, there is a psychological reason, you are there as a mirror to your motherʼs /father's thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
This is only because by birth you are a captive audience. She/He  can lash out at you as you remind her/him of all her/his faults, failures and emotional angst. You merely just happen to be there.'


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## deesierra (Sep 23, 2020)

The hardest thing I've done was to process the untimely death of the love of my life.


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## PamfromTx (Sep 23, 2020)

Gary O' said:


> Oh, I hardly ever bottle things up.
> I just don't care to bore anyone, especially when it's been posted more than once.
> 
> But, here 'tis;
> ...


Your story has broken my heart in a million pieces.  I am so sorry for what you and your wife have had to endure all of these years.  Mother, my sisters and I dealt with a very similar situation with my one and only brother.  He led a tragic life and experienced an even more tragic death.  My beautiful baby brother is now resting in peace.


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## hellomimi (Sep 23, 2020)

Repondering said:


> Now I'm 67 years old and figuring out what to do with the time I have left.  It would be nice to not keep thinking about the past.


Have you pondered why you keep ruminating on the past? Our past is there to teach us lessons and not like a boulder we carry on our shoulders.

Do not just wish it would be nice not to keep thinking of the past. You have the choice @Repondering and choose wisely to enjoy the remaining years of your life. You are not a victim, fate has molded you to be a survivor. Be kind to yourself and reach out to others. Nothing changes unless you act...NOW.


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## Mr. Ed (Sep 23, 2020)

I do not often share this however, here goes. I was diagnosed in 1974 as Borderline Schizophrenia after binging on psychedelic drugs. I was a mess. I could not make simple decision such as should I pick the chair or the couch to sit on, knowing full well should my choice be wrong it would be deviating. The same was true with any decision I made followed by certain catastrophe. 

I thought the world and life was made up of a series levels like a video game and choosing the correct combination I would gravitate to higher consciousness. I thought the world was magic, I would drive around searching for a sign. Once found could do something else. 

I was addicted to tobacco products until going into the hospital for cardiomyopathy my wife removed all tobacco items before returning home so I stopped smoking. 

Prior to hospitalization, I isolated myself in the laundry room puffing away on cigars & cigarettes nonstop until it was time to go to bed. My nicotine addiction was time consuming and a convenient excuse to avoid socialization. 

In 2005, I overdosed on prescription medication and herbal supplements. Realizing what I had done I called my wife at work, but the office personnel could not understand my garbled voice. Frustrated I yanked the phone from the bedroom wall, and as if I was being led to the bathroom I disrobed, turned on the shower and entered through the shower curtain at the front off the bathtub. I paused for a moment letting the soothing water trickle off my shoulders and down my body. 

I pulled the shower curtain this time from the rear of the bathtub and exited. There is no way I could have or would have conducted this type of ritual on my own without guidance. This occurred in March of 2005, the week before Easter when Christians celebrate. Jesus’s resurrection and victory over death/sin. Easter is viewed as forgiveness and new beginnings which was certainly true in my case. 

Suddenly life made sense to me and is if by miracle I understood what needed to be done in my life to be a free and productive human being. From that moment forward I returned to work after 34 years of symptomatic disability, I graduated with honors from community college and because my recovery was Christian symbolic I attended Bible College for two semesters until transferring to New York State University and graduated in 2017 in Human Services. 

Presently employed at a 38 bed single room occupancy mental health housing for moderate-severe symptomatic adult co-ed living Facility as Peer Support Specialist. 

Well, that’s me in a nut shell except I forgot to mention. Since childhood I imagine myself serving as minister in some compactly, however, this turned out to be false. I learned this in Bible College. In retrospect my purpose for attending bible college was to immerse myself in Christian studies for my own understanding. It was not a waste of time even though all of the while I assumed I was studying to enter into the ministry. Nothing is wasted in life.


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## moviequeen1 (Sep 23, 2020)

partial knee{right} replacement in 2004,was in so much pain,couldn't bend the knee all the way back
I had it done at the hosptial where I worked, my co-workers took care of me for 3 days which was great
no regrets getting it done


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## hollydolly (Sep 23, 2020)

Ladybj said:


> One of the hardest things was give birth.


*Me too..a 3 day labour *


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## hollydolly (Sep 23, 2020)

Repondering said:


> I looked after my bipolar mother for 60 years and dad despised me for doing what he wouldn't learn how to do.  When his pancreatic cancer struck, I nursed him as well......mercifully for everyone his death came pretty quick.  His last words to me were, "You're not good enough to shine Skip's shoes".  Skip was the older of my two brothers and dad's favorite.  Dad's been gone 19 years, Mom a bit more than a year and a half and Skip 2 years.
> Now I'm 67 years old and figuring out what to do with the time I have left.  It would be nice to not keep thinking about the past.


Heartbreaking...


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## Gary O' (Sep 23, 2020)

Y'know, there's some horrific stories here
It may not be so good to dwell on them
Kinda hard to not if it's ongoing

Someone here posted *'one day at a time'*
So true

But, you know what?
If you dwell on others, in a kind way
Your own troubles take a back seat
I've found this early on in life
One's own burdens tend to go away 
Heh, I've even seen it right here in this thread...folks caring for others

You guys all rock
Guess that's why we're now so freaking old
We know how to get old
And how to enjoy life
No matter what comes

Y'all keep a fire


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## hellomimi (Sep 23, 2020)

Gary O' said:


> Y'know, there's some horrific stories here
> It may not be so good to dwell on them
> Kinda hard to not if it's ongoing
> 
> ...


None of us, even those that lived/lives a sheltered life are spared from adversities, heartaches, difficulties, or whatever...

BUT

The fact we're here discussing this means we're all survivors. Ain't that great? Today, tell someone you love them and that love will come back to you


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## hollydolly (Sep 23, 2020)

hellomimi said:


> None of us, even those that lived/lives a sheltered life are spared from adversities, heartaches, difficulties, or whatever...
> 
> BUT
> 
> ...



Unfortunately not my parents, or any of my siblings..we were raised without love, and ergo my siblings don't know how to give it


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## Gary O' (Sep 23, 2020)

hollydolly said:


> Unfortunately not my parents, or any of my siblings..we were raised without love, and ergo my siblings don't know how to give it


Ah, but they have you, dear Holly
...and so do we


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## hollydolly (Sep 23, 2020)

Gary O' said:


> Ah, but they have you, dear Holly
> ...and so do we


Now you made me cry....  but thank you dear friend


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## hellomimi (Sep 23, 2020)

hollydolly said:


> Unfortunately not my parents, or any of my siblings..we were raised without love, and ergo my siblings don't know how to give it


@hollydolly, if you want to vent/rant or just want a sounding board, let me know. I'll listen to you. If you have hangouts app, we can call/chat in real time.

I have so much love to share, you can have some.


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## Kayelle (Sep 23, 2020)

❣
My heart aches reading these stories from all of you. @bowmore asked me to stop reading them as he knows all too well that I'm an Empath. I think because I'm an Empath, it's at the basis of my life long challenges.

I certainly have had my share of rough times, but nothing as shocking as many of yours. Let's face the fact that life is challenging, and us oldsters have more experiences than youngsters.
I firmly believe in my signature.....and applaud all of you. Sending many blessings and prayers....


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## hollydolly (Sep 23, 2020)

hellomimi said:


> @hollydolly, if you want to vent/rant or just want a sounding board, let me know. I'll listen to you. If you have hangouts app, we can call/chat in real time.
> 
> I have so much love to share, you can have some.


Oh bless you, and I thank you sincerely for the offer   , but in reality if I offloaded  _you'd_ be the one  needing therapy.. and I'm being honest


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## hiraeth2018 (Sep 23, 2020)

Taking chances... only my age has taught me to be grateful for the bad and good that has happened.


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## Kayelle (Sep 23, 2020)

I believe there's a philosophy that says something like..."If everyone piled their troubles in the center of the room, you'd take back your own."  I think that's true for most, but not all.


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## hellomimi (Sep 23, 2020)

hollydolly said:


> Oh bless you, and I thank you sincerely for the offer   , but in reality if I offloaded  _you'd_ be the one  needing therapy.. and I'm being honest


We have a saying, "you won't know till you try." No pressures my dear. The offer stands if you'll ever need it. Take care sister ❤


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## Linda (Sep 23, 2020)

The death of our oldest son when he was 49.


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## FastTrax (Sep 23, 2020)

hollydolly said:


> *Me too..a 3 day labour *



Good Lord hollydolly.  My 3 older siblings were all born prematurely, each weighed no more then 6 pounds then here comes me, the last of 4 weighing in at a whopping 10.5 pounds. Shop closed.


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## Old Dummy (Sep 23, 2020)

The most traumatic thing I've ever done was watch my father draw his last breath.


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## Kayelle (Sep 23, 2020)

FastTrax said:


> Good Lord hollydolly.  My 3 older siblings were all born prematurely, each weighed no more then 6 pounds then here comes me, the last of 4 weighing in at a whopping 10.5 pounds. Shop closed.


Gocha beat @FastTrax My half siblings were teenagers when I was born to my "late in life" Mama, weighing in at 10lb.11oz.  Surprising she loved me anyway, and she was the best Mama in the world for me.
I'm sending you special hugs @hollydolly ❣


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## FastTrax (Sep 23, 2020)

hollydolly said:


> Oh bless you, and I thank you sincerely for the offer   , but in reality if I offloaded  _you'd_ be the one  needing therapy.. and I'm being honest



hollydolly we all have a story to tell so you have plenty of ears here mine included. Be blessed.


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## FastTrax (Sep 23, 2020)

Kayelle said:


> Gocha beat @FastTrax My half siblings were teenagers when I was born to my "late in life" Mama, weighing in at 10lb.11oz.  Surprising she loved me anyway, and she was the best Mama in the world for me.
> I'm sending you special hugs @hollydolly ❣



Owwww Kayelle. I bet our mommies are sharing their tales of woe in Heaven as we speak. Lol. TTFN


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## Kayelle (Sep 23, 2020)

FastTrax said:


> Owwww Kayelle. *I bet our mommies are sharing their tales of woe in Heaven as we speak. Lol. TTFN*


My own two sons were 9 pounders and it was sure no picnic but they were my life masterpieces FT.
I would agree with the bold......they still know what's going on here.


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## FastTrax (Sep 23, 2020)

Kayelle said:


> My own two sons were 9 pounders and it was sure no picnic but they were my life masterpieces FT.
> I would agree with the bold......they still know what's going on here.



Kudos to all you mothers willing to endure such pain to perpetuate our species. If I were a woman and if half the female population on Earth possessed my mindset the public offering stock in birth control companies would trade at $1,000,000 dollars a share, tubal ligations would be free and 99% of the hospitals could close their maternity wards permanently. This was in no way to be construed as a public service announcement and should be treated in it's intent as for entertainment purposes only. Thank you.


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## Ken N Tx (Sep 24, 2020)

hollydolly said:


> Now you made me cry....  but thank you dear friend


True or False....True


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## Aneeda72 (Sep 24, 2020)

peramangkelder said:


> Took me 10 years to get enough courage to divorce my abusive husband of 37 years
> I'm glad I did but now I am estranged from my 2 adult children because they blame me
> I wish I had not waited so long and you know if I had killed the **** I would have only served 25 years


Totally understand, when my daughter was in her twenties I asked her what she thought about my divorcing my husband.  She said if I did, she would never speak to me again.  One of many reasons I stayed.


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## Ken N Tx (Sep 24, 2020)

When my father passed away I had to make his funeral arrangements, pick out his suit,casket and grave plot...My Mom was in the hospital at the time and passed away 3 months later, my sister made her arrangements..


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## P A Tracy (Sep 24, 2020)

We have some very courageous folks here, I commend you all. 
I'll just say childhood was not the best time in my life and I am so glad all of that is over. It did give me the insight to spot a pedophile without them even saying a word.


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## Butterfly (Sep 24, 2020)

Taking care of my mother while she was dying of cancer was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and the most rewarding.  I was able to allow her to die the way she wanted, in her own home in her own bed, and taken care of by someone who loved her.

It was awful.


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## Autumn (Sep 24, 2020)

Watching my husband get weaker and endure such pain in his final days.  He was diagnosed with lung cancer that spread to his  bones in January of this year and died in March, and those months were an absolute nightmare.  I felt so helpless.


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## wcwbf (Sep 24, 2020)

deciding it is time to have a pet put down is one of the hardest things a person will have to do.


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## Kayelle (Sep 24, 2020)

Actually, the answer to the question for me can be found here at post #42.
I'm only referring to it here, because it could save a life of someone you love.
https://www.seniorforums.com/threads/guns-and-suicide.52862/page-2#post-1489619


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## Ladybj (Sep 29, 2020)

Gary O' said:


> Oh, I hardly ever bottle things up.
> I just don't care to bore anyone, especially when it's been posted more than once.
> 
> But, here 'tis;
> ...


Sending you a big (((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))) Gary O'   Not sure if you accept prayers but sending prayers to you and your son.


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## Gary O' (Sep 29, 2020)

Ladybj said:


> Not sure if you accept prayers but sending prayers to you and your son.


Always

There can never be too many

Prayers ascending to the heavens are the mightiest armament against the great accuser 
It gives our Creator the ability to answer them

Thank you, Lady


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## FastTrax (Sep 29, 2020)

Ladybj said:


> Sending you a big (((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))) Gary O'   Not sure if you accept prayers but sending prayers to you and your son.





Gary O' said:


> Always
> 
> There can never be too many
> 
> ...



DITTO. Be blessed brother.


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## grahamg (Sep 29, 2020)

Very good thread, very honest answers too.

Hard to know what was the hardest time in my life, but I'd probably have to point to the second big breakdown ten years ago, (first after my marriage failed thirty five years ago). Great to be well again though, (of course, if that's what I am?!   ).


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## -Oy- (Sep 30, 2020)

Definitley being in hospital back in April with Covid-19. I made it out - but it was touch and go and I never want to experience anything like that again. My loving family and friends have been a big factor in my ongoing recovery!


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## hollydolly (Sep 30, 2020)

wcwbf said:


> deciding it is time to have a pet put down is one of the hardest things a person will have to do.


we've had 3 die in the last 18 months...one died  a very messy death in the arms of my daughter..and the other 2 were PTS very gently and quietly in their old age .. it's heartbreaking, and in such a short time too.!


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## Sassycakes (Sep 30, 2020)

Of course losing loved ones is the hardest thing to go through. Something that still stays in my mind all the time was when my younger cousin committed suicide. She was a Beautiful girl and we were very close. She owned her own business,and was married. Her husband left her and she went into  a deep depression. She eventually joined Scientology and gave them $50,000 to help her get through her hard times. One member convinced her that if she would die she would come back to a better life,so she hung herself.As close as we were she never told me what she was thinking of doing. It breaks my heart everyday wishing I could have helped her more.


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