# SifuPhil's 10 Tips on Looking 29 Forever



## SifuPhil (Mar 3, 2013)

We are bombarded daily with advertisements for making ourselves look youthful again - cremes, lotions, notions, potions, pills, tablets, capsules, powders, oils ... 

All of which are, in my professional opinion, unnecessary.

Here are 10 tips that, while seeming to contradict conventional wisdom, are actually responsible for my own youthful appearance.




*1. Eat Lots of Red Meat*

   What you want to do is to eat red meat in as uncooked a state as possible. This serves to preserve all the essential nutrients and gives you that all-important protein boost.

*2. Eat 10 Cloves of Raw Garlic Every Day*

   I don't think this does anything for your blood, but it DOES keep those pesky neighbors and family members away, thus decreasing greatly your level of stress.

*3. The Perfect Drink*

   Some think it is water; others believe in juicing everything. I have found that Long Island Iced Teas are the secret to staying young. Make a large supply at one time so you can imbibe throughout the week. You'll need two gallons each of gin, vodka, tequila, rum and triple sec, 5 gallons of Coke or Pepsi and 3 dozen lemons and limes. Enjoy!

*4. Eat Slowly*

   Your brain needs to wait for your stomach and intestines to realize that they have food. Do this by taking your time and eating slowly. As an example of the timing required, I estimate that a small dish of applesauce should take no less than 3 hours to consume. A raw 16-ounce steak and a baked potato should take about 3 days.

*5. Tan As Much As Possible*

   Whether in a booth or at the beach, feel the burn! That's the only way your skin will receive vitamin D, so necessary for the more complex brain functions such as breathing and elimination. Don't use any lotions or protective screens, though - they inhibit the uptake of vitamin D. Two to three hours of noonday-sun equivalent every day should do the trick.

*6. Lubricate Your Skin*

   Your skin serves an important function: it keeps all that yucky internal stuff from spilling out. So if you don't want to see what you look like inside-out, lubricate! Don't waste money on those hoity-toity cremes or lotions, either - stick with WD-40 or, in a pinch, 10-W-30 (I use Castrol High-Mileage brand).

*7. Exfoliate*

   I never exfoliated until I was 50 years old, and I paid the price - my body was covered to a depth of several inches with dead skin cells, which was not only unhealthy but pretty much killed my social life as well. I had to use a commercial-grade cheese grater to remove the eyars of abuse, but you should be able to get similar results with only some 24- to 40-grit sandpaper, available at your local flooring or hardware store. Be sure to ask for the ceramic aluminum oxide stuff - the regular abrasives just don't seem to do the trick.

*8. Get The Patch*

   If you've indulged in some filthy habits in your life and continue to do so, get the patch. I am of course talking about the pirate's eye patch, the only SURE cure for a life filled with 9-to-5 jobs, sassy children and abusive spouses. As soon as you put on the patch you'll be swashbuckling your way to a fresher, more exciting and active life.

*9. Stay Awake*

   Forcing yourself to stay awake for long stretches of time forces your body to do more with less, in this case, sleep. Nothing will gird your loins like meeting your grand-kids with a 72-hour sleep deficit. You'll whip those little monsters into shape in no time, and the bags under your eyes can be easily hidden with a liberal application of Crisco mixed with a few drops of brown or black food coloring (since you HAVE been tanning, right?).

*10. Abuse Powerful Non-Prescription Drugs*

   Face it - we're all going to die some day. Why not extend your life expectancy by doing vast amounts of cocaine, heroin and methamphetamine? If it's true, as I believe, that the mind influences the body, then freeing up your mind by doing daily hits of these substances can only lead to a physically stronger body. Invite the neighbors, too - make it a neighborhood affair!  



Follow all of these tips religiously and I guarantee that you'll live a longer, happier life - enjoy!


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 3, 2013)

Love your tips (and photo), thank you for sharing your expertise with all! ositive:  It is amazing, you don't look a day over 29!


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## FishWisher (Mar 3, 2013)

The only thing I understood was why those sheep look so damn content...


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## SeaSparkle (Mar 3, 2013)

OMG you're killin' me over here. That is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!  #7 expecially hahahaha


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