# Joke of the Day



## oldman (Sep 7, 2014)

Got this off of "Joke of the Day" and thought it was funny enough to share.

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"


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## Sassycakes (Nov 1, 2015)




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## Moonflight (Nov 1, 2015)

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.


He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."


Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."


At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."


Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :


"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."


"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
.


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## SeaBreeze (Nov 1, 2015)

Funny one Moonflight!


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## Falcon (Nov 1, 2015)

Both hilarious.  Thanks for the laughs.


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## hangover (Nov 9, 2015)

A Montana woodpecker flew over to Idaho to check out the bugs and the grubs in the trees over there. He lands in a tree and sees an Idaho woodpecker peckin' on a tree, and he's havin' a hell of a time...just can't get through it. So he flies over and bores through the tree with no problem, and they have a big ol' feast of bugs and grubs. Then he flies back to Montana. A week later that Idaho woodpecker flies to Montana to check out the bugs and the grubs over there. He lands in a tree and sees that same Montana woodpecker peckin' on a tree, and he's havin' a hell of a time...just can't get through it. So he flies over and bores through the tree with no problem, and they have another big ol' feast of bugs and grubs. And the moral of the story is....the farther away from home you are, the harder your pecker gets.


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## Pappy (Nov 9, 2015)

Mights well add my 2 cents.


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## hangover (Nov 10, 2015)

A mean nasty woman with two kids came into Wal-Mart. She was screaming obscenities at the kids, when the Wal-Mart greeter said to her, "Nice children, are they twins?" The woman replied, "Hell no they aren't twins! Are you blind? They aren't even close to the same age!" The greeter politely said, "No, I'm not blind. I just can't believe anyone would have sex with you twice...have a nice day."


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## NancyNGA (Nov 10, 2015)

Two men from Georgia rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow." The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the man asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?" 

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." 

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"


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## hangover (Nov 15, 2015)

What did the 300 pound canary say? "Here kitty kitty kitty" in a very deep voice.


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## Pappy (Nov 15, 2015)

:love_heart:


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## Butterfly (Nov 15, 2015)

hangover said:


> A mean nasty woman with two kids came into Wal-Mart. She was screaming obscenities at the kids, when the Wal-Mart greeter said to her, "Nice children, are they twins?" The woman replied, "Hell no they aren't twins! Are you blind? They aren't even close to the same age!" The greeter politely said, "No, I'm not blind. I just can't believe anyone would have sex with you twice...have a nice day."



HA!


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## hangover (Nov 16, 2015)

How do you get down off an elephant? You can't...you can only get down off a duck...or a goose.


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## hangover (Nov 17, 2015)

What side of the duck has the most feathers? The outside.


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## hangover (Nov 20, 2015)

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?....so he could hide in the cherry tree.

Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?...works pretty good, huh.

How did Tarzan die?...picking cherries.


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## Sassycakes (Dec 13, 2015)

Seems that the Bible got creation all wrong ... it was actually Eve
that God created first. After three weeks in the garden, God came to
visit.
  "How's it going, Eve?" he asked. "It is all so beautiful God - the
sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the grandeur ...
just so wonderful, but I have these three breasts of mine.  The middle 
one pushes out the other two and I am constantly catching them on
branches and it is basically a nuisance!" reported Eve.
  God replied, "Well, that's a good point, but hey, it was my first 
shot at this, you know.  I gave the animals what, six?  So I just 
figured half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right 
away!"
  So God reached down and ripped that middle breast right out of
there and tossed it into the bushes.
  Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the garden.
  "Well, how is my favourite creation?" he asked.  "Just fantastic!"
she replied. "But for one small oversight on your part.  You see, all 
the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, and the cow has her 
bull, all the animals have a mate except for me, and I feel very alone 
here."
  "Oh my! You're so right! How could I have overlooked this! You do
Need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you!
"Now, let's see...Where did I leave that useless Boob?"


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## oldman (Dec 19, 2015)

What's the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?
At the end of the flight, the engines stop whining.

Why don't ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they will 'quack' up. 

Why does a 747 have a hump?
So pilots can sit on their wallets.


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## Pappy (Dec 19, 2015)




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## Sassycakes (Dec 23, 2015)

Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked,
 “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”


“I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”


“How about a frog? Do you know how to sound like a frog?”


“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, How did you like that?!”


“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”


“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa. “Why’s that?”


“Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained,
 “She said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”


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## Pappy (Dec 23, 2015)

My deepest apologies to 911 on this one.


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## Ken N Tx (Dec 24, 2015)

Pappy said:


> My deepest apologies to 911 on this one.


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## Falcon (Dec 24, 2015)

Now why didn't *I think of that?*


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## Vega_Lyra (Mar 29, 2017)

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.
:wave:


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## Vega_Lyra (Mar 29, 2017)

Two men are discussing their lives. 
One says, "I’m getting married. I’m tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one says, "I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
:wave:


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## Pappy (Mar 29, 2017)

A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses."Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to do the same. "Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow. "


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## 911 (Mar 29, 2017)

Pappy said:


> My deepest apologies to 911 on this one.



No apology necessary. I have a few more, but will not share them here.


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## Pappy (Mar 29, 2017)

Thanks, 911. I do pass through PA twice a year so didn't want to check my rear view mirror constantly.


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## Sassycakes (Apr 3, 2017)

A new pastor was visiting the homes of
parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home,
but nobody answered his repeated knocks at the door. So he took out a
card and wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back and stuck it in the door. When the
offering plate was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been
returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.” Reaching for his
Bible, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins: “Behold, I stand at
the door and knock.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “I heard your voice in the garden and I
was afraid for I was naked.”


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## Dudewho (Apr 5, 2017)

An elderly gentleman walks in to an Ice Cream Shop. Staggers to the counter fighting each step-in pain. With a shaking voice asks for an Ice Cream Sunday.

The counter woman asks,
Crushed Nuts today?

He replies,
No arthritis.


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## Pappy (Apr 5, 2017)

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court. " said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no! " said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years! "


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## hauntedtexan (Apr 11, 2017)

A very rich greedy old man knew he was dying and wanted to take it with him, so he left his doctor, his lawyer, and his priest, each 1 million dollars to be put in his coffin so he could "take it with him". 
    So, at the funeral the priest confesses that he only put in half the money because the poor in his flock really needed it more than a dead man.
    The doctor said: "I only put in 25% because some needy patients needed life saving operations.
    Then the lawyer said "I am disgusted at your lack of integrity and loyalty to an old friend! I gave him a check for the full amount!"


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## JustBonee (Apr 18, 2017)

eace:
After being married for 50 years,  a man  took a careful look at his wife one day and said ...
"Fifty" years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched
a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl. 

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen
TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up
your side of things."

His wife being  a very reasonable woman told him to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl
and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,
sleeping on a sofa bed  and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.


Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems. :grin:


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## Pappy (Apr 18, 2017)

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good? "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart! "


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## Sassycakes (Apr 18, 2017)




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## Wintermint (Apr 18, 2017)

Three guys drinking in a bar.


The first man says 'I think my wife I sleeping with a house painter. I keep finding smudge sof paint all over the bedroom'.


The second guys says  'Well now you mention it I think my wife must be sleeping with an electrician. I keep find odds and ends of electrical equipment in our bedroom'.


The third guy says 'Tell me about it. I think my wife is sleeping with a horse...I keep finding a jockey under the bed'!


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## Falcon (Apr 18, 2017)

Sassycakes,   :lol1:


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## Falcon (Apr 18, 2017)

LOL  Wintermint.


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## Pappy (Apr 19, 2017)

The managing partner in an accounting firm is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him in to chastise him."How could you possibly advise the client in the way you did? That was completely unethical. We are always conscious of Ethics in this firm. ~~~You do know what Ethics is don't you? "~~~The young partner is offended. "Of course I know what Ethics is. It's a county in southern England. "


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## Vega_Lyra (Nov 29, 2017)




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