# Hi Guys - I've been MIA for a while - Have a question regarding a special friend dx with Cancer.



## Ladybj (Feb 26, 2021)

I have known this male friend for over 30 years.  I knew him through my sister - he was her boss. and we became friends.  I went with her to different office events.  He has been married 3x but now divorced and single.  Fast forward, I found out on FB about 4 months ago that he has Stage 4 cancer.  Long story short, I reached out to him.  He is a smoker and he drinks daily..I think from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed...not judging at all.  He look forward to my phone calls.  I am still married and I made it clear that I am here just as a friend reaching out.  Do you think people at some point give up and continue to do what they feel is best for them?  Also, I feel he is depending on me a bit too much to be there if its nothing but a text or phone call.  Don't want to send mix messages...but the type of person I am with a big, caring heart - he depends on me for a bit of comfort. I enjoy chatting with him.. he also has a very caring heart.  I will definitely miss him when God calls him home.


----------



## Ceege (Feb 26, 2021)

Could you get others to get involved in making sure he does not feel alone?
You can't let this all be on you when you have a family of your own.


----------



## RadishRose (Feb 26, 2021)

I'm sorry your friend is so ill.


Ladybj said:


> Do you think people at some point give up and continue to do what they feel is best for them?


This was your question.
 I guess some do, some don't.


----------



## Ladybj (Feb 26, 2021)

Ceege said:


> Could you get others to get involved in making sure he does not feel alone?
> You can't let this all be on you when you have a family of your own.


It's not as difficult as I may make it seem.  He highly respect my situation and it is not a hardship on me. If the role was reverse, he would do the same for me and I would respect his marriage as well. He does have others to reach out to him.


----------



## Ladybj (Feb 26, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> I'm sorry your friend is so ill.
> 
> This was your question.
> I guess some do, some don't.


I agree.  He shared with me that he is tired and not afraid to die.  I would truly miss him and would have enjoyed our talks and laughs.


----------



## Linda (Feb 26, 2021)

Does your husband mind your friendship with this gentleman?  Is there any chance your husband might want to get involved with texting or maybe the 2 of you visiting him in person.


----------



## Ladybj (Feb 27, 2021)

Linda said:


> Does your husband mind your friendship with this gentleman?  Is there any chance your husband might want to get involved with texting or maybe the 2 of you visiting him in person.


My husband is not the open minded type person.  I have briefly mentioned him to my husband.  It's a shame that society does not feel men and women can be nothing but friends.  I ask my hubby him if his female friend (whom I know) was sick would he reach out... he said he don't know.  Him and I are total different.  He is a true Introvert.  My hubby and I have  different personalities and I do not put myself in the same category as him.  I would reach out to my male and female friends in time of need.


----------



## Linda (Feb 28, 2021)

I agree, "It's a shame that society does not feel men and women can be nothing but friends".  I don't know the answer for you but I sure understand where you are coming from.


----------



## katlupe (Feb 28, 2021)

I am so sorry about your friend. To answer your question, I think some people will fight and not give up to their last moment. And then others will say, "what the hell? I am going to die anyway." If it is not a hardship for you, I would just be there for him. Even just a text message or an occasional phone call. Sounds like he needs someone to care about him.


----------



## Ladybj (Mar 4, 2021)

katlupe said:


> I am so sorry about your friend. To answer your question, I think some people will fight and not give up to their last moment. And then others will say, "what the hell? I am going to die anyway." If it is not a hardship for you, I would just be there for him. Even just a text message or an occasional phone call. Sounds like he needs someone to care about him.


You hit the nail on the head...no it is not a hardship for me at all.   He is in the frame of mind "what the hell - I am going to die anyway".  He shared with me several times he is tired of all the test, etc. and he is not afraid to die.  He is such a good friend, nothing more.  He has been there for me when I needed an ear.  I will definitely miss him.  He tells me I am his special, genuine friend and he is mine.


----------



## OneEyedDiva (Mar 4, 2021)

Bless your heart Ladybj ! I think you would feel bad if you didn't help your friend in any way you can. It's not like you're visiting him every day. If your husband hasn't told you to stop, he must be okay with it. If you feel your friend depends on you a little too much, maybe you can dial it back just a bit. I have a friend who got a call from one of her friends who had health issues.  She, being the busy person she is, waited a week to call him back. When she did, she found out he had passed away. She felt so bad that she didn't get back to him in time and have that one last conversation.

It's hard to lose a good friend. I know, one of mine, also male died unexpectedly last year and I think of him almost daily. He was the one man my husband didn't mind me talking to on the phone. In fact, I'd tell my husband, Oh George called and we talked about [whatever] and he sends his regards. Of course it didn't hurt that George introduced us, tried his best to get us together before we were ready and also helped me find my (half) siblings. Do what you feel in your heart is best so that after your friend is gone, you won't have guilt as well as grief.


----------



## Ladybj (Mar 4, 2021)

OneEyedDiva said:


> Bless your heart Ladybj ! I think you would feel bad if you didn't help your friend in any way you can. It's not like you're visiting him every day. If your husband hasn't told you to stop, he must be okay with it. If you feel your friend depends on you a little too much, maybe you can dial it back just a bit. I have a friend who got a call from one of her friends had health issues.  She, being the busy person she is, waited a week to call him back. When she did, she found out he had passed away. She felt so bad that she didn't get back to him in time and have that one last conversation.
> 
> It's hard to lose a good friend. I know, one of mine, also male died unexpectedly last year and I think of him almost daily. He was the one man my husband didn't mind me talking to on the phone. In fact, I'd tell my husband, Oh George called and we talked about [whatever] and he sends his regards. Of course it didn't hurt that George introduced us, tried his best to get us together before we were ready and also helped me find my (half) siblings. Do what you feel in your heart is best so that after your friend is gone, you won't have guilt as well as grief.


Thank you so much. Your post touched my heart.  My husband and most men are not (unfortunately) as open as your husband.  I will continue to reach out to him.  Whenever my friend pass away, I will feel at Peace for being there and having him laugh.  I will carry our genuine friendship - laughter and deep talks always in my heart.  He is such a good person with a heart of gold.  It was not meant for us to be together romantically... it would not have worked out. The Universe/God knows best.


----------



## OneEyedDiva (Mar 4, 2021)

Ladybj said:


> Thank you so much. Your post touched my heart.  My husband and most men are not (unfortunately) as open as your husband.  I will continue to reach out to him.  Whenever my friend pass away, I will feel at Peace for being there and having him laugh.  I will carry our genuine friendship - laughter and deep talks always in my heart.  He is such a good person with a heart of gold.  It was not meant for us to be together romantically... it would not have worked out. The Universe/God knows best.


Regarding your last two sentences...believe me I know *exactly* what you mean! But George was not the person it applies to. My husband died 13 months before George did. May they both Rest in Paradise. I'm glad my reply touched you as it did.  You will find much support on this forum from those with good hearts.


----------



## Ladybj (Mar 4, 2021)

OneEyedDiva said:


> Regarding your last two sentences...believe me I know *exactly* what you mean! But George was not the person it applies to. My husband died 13 months before George did. May they both Rest in Paradise. I'm glad my reply touched you as it did.  You will find much support on this forum from those with good hearts.


It is such a blessing to connect with someone that can relate.


----------



## MickaC (Mar 4, 2021)

Men and women sharing friendships only.......
I'm  100% for that.
It's very gratifying to share a friendship of the opposite sex.
Physical attraction is not always the way with a person, friendship attraction can be a good feeling......if you're both on the same page.


----------



## Ladybj (Mar 4, 2021)

MickaC said:


> Men and women sharing friendships only.......
> I'm  100% for that.
> It's very gratifying to share a friendship of the opposite sex.
> Physical attraction is not always the way with a person, friendship attraction can be a good feeling......if you're both on the same page.


Exactly!!!  I learn so much from my friend from a man's perspective. Not always romantic... just a genuine friend.


----------



## Butterfly (Mar 27, 2021)

I had a lifelong friendship with a man who died in 2019.  It was a very close friendship and I still miss talking  to him.  He was the one person in the world I could always depend on for help when needed.  He told me not long before he died that he felt he could never repay all the help and support I had been to him, but I told him it was the other way round -- that I could never repay him.  He meant so much to me and leaves a great void in my life.


----------



## Lewkat (Mar 27, 2021)

I have a couple of male friends and we get along just fine as we respect one another.  Sounds like you and your friend have the same type of friendship.  It appears that he is very sick, so I'd continue along the lines of what your friendship is right now.  At stage 4 cancer, he isn't about to stop what he usually does as far as drinking and smoking are concerned.  These may be the only pleasures he has left, other than your sympathetic ear.


----------



## Ladybj (Mar 30, 2021)

Butterfly said:


> I had a lifelong friendship with a man who died in 2019.  It was a very close friendship and I still miss talking  to him.  He was the one person in the world I could always depend on for help when needed.  He told me not long before he died that he felt he could never repay all the help and support I had been to him, but I told him it was the other way round -- that I could never repay him.  He meant so much to me and leaves a great void in my life.


You definitely get it


----------



## Ladybj (Mar 30, 2021)

Lewkat said:


> I have a couple of male friends and we get along just fine as we respect one another.  Sounds like you and your friend have the same type of friendship.  It appears that he is very sick, so I'd continue along the lines of what your friendship is right now.  At stage 4 cancer, he isn't about to stop what he usually does as far as drinking and smoking are concerned.  These may be the only pleasures he has left, other than your sympathetic ear.


I don't judge him for his drinking and smoking.  I am sure he finds pleasure in that.  I guess he figure what's the use in giving it up at this stage in his life. He will always have my sympathetic ear. Thank you.  Great post.


----------



## Gaer (Mar 30, 2021)

Send love to him.  He needs you.  He will die soon.
Death is such a little thing.  The soul goes on FOREVER!
Your soul is full of love.  Love your husband  freely and love your friend freely.  Call him and talk to him.
Don't do this deceptively.  Engage your wonderful husband.
Love has different values, depths, impacts. and you can love more than one person maybe in different ways.  
Don't close out your husband out from your feelings for your friend.  This will bring you even closer! 
This is wonderful for you to help your friend through his end days.


----------



## Ladybj (Mar 30, 2021)

Gaer said:


> Send love to him.  He needs you.  He will die soon.
> Death is such a little thing.  The soul goes on FOREVER!
> Your soul is full of love.  Love your husband  freely and love your friend freely.  Call him and talk to him.
> Don't do this deceptively.  Engage your wonderful husband.
> ...


Wonderful post.  I will continue to reach out to my friend.. as you stated, its a different type of love that I have for my hubby. I would never close my hubby out... I love him dearly.  My friend tells me that I am a special type of person.  I am who I am... would not and cannot change who I am.  Do not feel the need of deceptiveness.


----------



## Shalimar (Mar 31, 2021)

What  a wonderful person you are. A light during this dark time of plague.


----------



## Ladybj (Apr 5, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> What  a wonderful person you are. A light during this dark time of plague.


Thank you.  I do not do it for show or anything else.. it's who I am.


----------

