# If wishes were horses...



## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 21, 2013)

I wish and wish I had a friend. There are people I know in the subdivision, but they're really DD's friends, so just people I know. A few of them are my clients, and they're friendly enough but they're all way younger than I am...younger married couples with young kids. It's been 4 1/2 years since I came here after DH died, and I'm tellin' ya, the loneliness is positively crushing, even suffocating. 

Since I've never been a "joiner" and just don't have the personality to waltz into a group like MeetUp, that's out. I've tried volunteering, but in these trying financial times, nobody wants even one more volunteer because they're overloaded with them as it is...tried volunteering at a food panty. Nope. They want money, not more volunteers. Tried the library. Nope. They actually have a waiting list of volunteers, and their budgets/hours have been cut so much that there's no need.

People around my age have been here since forever ago; they have friends and their own lives. Heck, DD/DSIL and their kids have their own friends and their own lives.

Can't drive at night (and in the city, it's not exactly a safe thing for an old lady to do anyway) so that's a bit limiting, too.

Even if I could afford to move "home" again, I've been gone long enough that the friends there have moved on. There are brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews and one son still there, and I miss them every day of my life. It's odd how I can miss DH and one DS who have both died, but when you get right down to it, I miss the living more.

If I were asked for one piece of advice from a widow/widower about the "next thing to do" it would be to tell them to NOT make ANY changes for a good long while. In my own case, DH and I had just moved to the place where we were going to retire and had only been there nine days when we were in an accident. He died 2 1/2 months after that. I knew no one, we'd sold the house we moved from, there weren't many options for the next thing to do.

Okay. Just rambling. Any suggestions? Or at least anybody who understands what I'm trying to say?


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## Anne (Nov 21, 2013)

GeorgiaXplant, I understand *exactly *what you are saying.  We moved here after retirement, and while I am not a widow, I wish to be back 'home' in a lot of ways.  Everyone here, with exception of our daughter and family, was born and raised here, and have their own lives and friends they've had for ages.
They are friendly enough, but do keep to themselves, as it sure seems most people do these days.
I had friends back home, but as you say, they've moved on, and even family members there are super-busy with their own lives.  We're not joiners by any means, either, soooo what do you do.
Glad it's not just me; and I do wish we were closer!!!


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## Diwundrin (Nov 21, 2013)

I think most understand it GX, but few would be able to find an answer for you.  I've seen so many retire and move only to lose one partner in short time and be left isolated.  It's a very common story around this region as it's a high density retirement destination.  However, any like you and me who are not 'joiners' have little hope of finding 'friends'.  Those still with partners shun we 'spares' shamelessly and many of those alone tend to want to cling and suck sympathy, and talk of nothing but their 'wonderful' grandkids and ungrateful in laws and are no fun at all.  It's damned hard to find one with a sense of humour.

I was never a 'people' person anyway so I find the isolation from their dramas liberating in the extreme, but I do understand that others need company.  I can sympathise, but not really help other than to point out that it isn't an unusual circumstance.

There is a growing demographic of young families moving in this small town lately and I avoid 'em like the plague so it's harder to find like minded older people than ever.   The 'oldies' are moving out to more suitable living options.  This is 'no country for old women' due to restricted access to aged and medical care, caused by being located in the furthest town from the central point where they're located.

There's a really lovely retired couple up the road but they're fitness freaks and that is diametrically opposed to my lifestyle so no common ground beyond the odd chat as they're power walking past.

I'm in the process of gently detaching a soul sucking clinger who lives reasonably nearby, and recently made a lucky quick escape from one who seemed a good prospect of a casual friend only to have her gush some story of a son in law in the Russian Mafia who had her constantly followed and that she was moving every few months to stay ahead of him!  She's either psycho, or not someone recommended to be seen in close company with.  Thankfully neither she nor the SiL know where I live.



I'm moving soon to a retirement village so there's bound to be another cynical old battle-axe who sees life as a black joke that I'll get along with.  If not then that's just fine as long as they leave me alone. Nothing worse than people who inflict their company on you as a 'favour'.    
I've found that the less seriously we take ourselves the better we get on, so stop trying to find friends and you may find you don't really need them as our own company is the best there is sometimes.   ... or is that just me?


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 21, 2013)

Grrr. I've tried twice to reply, and my post disappears into cyberspace. Hit the "restore" tab and get one or two letters.

Anne, I agree about people who've lived where they are since forever ago and having their own friends. I don't think they "shun" newcomers; they just have the same friends they've always had, their families are usually around and it doesn't occur to them to add anybody new.

Can't volunteer at an animal shelter because it would break my heart. Truly just break my heart Horses? The simple truth is that I'm scared witless of them except at a distance when I can admire how pretty they are.

Diwundrin, I hear you loud and clear about clingy, needy, just plain daffy or wrapped up in drama. With the exception of just plain daffy, I think lots of older folks get that way because they just haven't anybody to talk to or to talk to them. It's why I still work, even if it is only as a cleaning lady. I don't want to spend so much time alone that I get that way myself. I had an 88-year-old client who followed me around her house talk-talk-talking because she was so alone so often. Occasionally one of her grandchildren would move in when they were between jobs, between partners or whatever the between-du-jour happened to be, and that gave me a break of sorts. I finally had to quit working for her because cleaning her little place should have taken two hours and was using up half my day (and keeping me from working somewhere else where I could make some money)!

Tell you what, though, cherish the friends and family that you have, and especially cherish your partners, because being alone really is the pits.


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## SeaBreeze (Nov 21, 2013)

GeorgiaXplant, I understand what you're saying.  I would try to join a senior center, if there's one in your vicinity.  I never belonged, but I understand that they are free, and if you had something in common with another member, there would be an opportunity to get together with them outside of the center.

I'm a dog lover, and I go to a nearby dog park daily with my husband.  There are a lot of older folks there on a regular basis, exercising themselves and their dogs...and they seem like very nice people.  So perhaps a local park would be a way to meet someone, just chat, and go your separate ways, unless you feel a real connection.  We're just cyber-friends, but remember, we're always here to talk and share. :girl_hug: :love_heart:


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 21, 2013)

SeaBreeze, y'all aren't "just" cyberfriends!

Senior Centers here closed...budget constraints, donchanno. Sure glad I'm not one of the folks who get (or used to get) Meals on Wheels. They've cut back so much that there are a lot of older homebound people who have lost even that connection to the "outside".


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## Ozarkgal (Nov 21, 2013)

Georgia, I hear your loneliness and feel sad for you, but truthfully as seniors it is difficult to mine new friends in a new place.  Chances are most that live there have probably formed their own circles years ago, and trying to break into it is difficult.   

 Hubby and I moved three years ago and live very remotely and isolated in the woods.  I'm okay with that as my days of heavy socializing are a thing of the past, and don't care to revisit it.  But it would be nice  to find a like minded curmudgeonly friend to have a nice afternoon out with once in a while.  The locals here have lived here for generations and have all grown up together, and everyone knows everyone else and their business.  I avoid this like the plague and don't even do my banking in this town.  

Plus being deep in the bible belt of the south where you can't throw a rock without hitting a church doesn't bode well socially for a newbie that has a definite disdain for organized religion.  Also, I'm on the blunt side when it comes to saying what I think sometimes which is off putting to a lot of Southern Belles.  

I wish I had an answer for you, but try to keep busy is the best thing I can say.  At least you are working, and you do have some human contact, so you are not completely isolated.  I am quite surprised that volunteer opportunities are as slim as you describe, but different areas may have different needs.  I inquired about being a hospital volunteer here, and they jumped on having me.  Thought better of it when hubby mentioned being exposed to sick people all day might not be the best idea.  I have enough problem with health concerns without inviting more trouble.

One thing you may try if you are interested in politics at all is to volunteer to work on local or state campaigns of your party.  You may meet some like minded people there where you will start out having some common ground.


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## Diwundrin (Nov 21, 2013)

Cyber friends are great, I find them plenty for my needs of  'company',  and I don't have to even get dressed or  make cakes 'n coffee for 'em. Better yet I don't have to do a turbo tidy before they turn up.   Lurve you guys.



I was in a senior cits club back in Singleton, used to play indoor bowls there and went on the occasional bus outing.  There were a few I enjoyed a chat with but mostly it was a matter of being glad that some of the grumpy old B's weren't coming home with me. 

The friends I did have there, and still stay in contact with, I met at a local club which ran trivia nights.  I'm a trivia junky and a club is a safe enough place for a  female to turn up at alone.  I played as 'Pat Malone' unless a spare rel or family friend wanted a night out,  and I eventually got 'headhunted' to join my now friends' little team of 5.  We blitzed 'em there so we moved on to the more competitive pub scene where the prizes were better and we played as the 'Concrete Blondes'.  We had a ball, didn't win big as often but usually covered the cost of our dinner out. 
We didn't visit each others' houses, just met one night a week and that suited us all.  Three came up to visit a few weeks ago and it was just like old times and made me remember that they were among the few things I really missed by moving up here.

As mentioned in a previous post, they had all grown up together in a smallish town and were lifelong friends, but they still had room for a city gal to fit in.  It can be a barrier to get past as their history means you don't know who or what they're talking about sometimes but no matter really if there's compatibility on wider subjects.  
That small town cliqueiness is worse in some towns than others though.  There's one town down there 'in the Valley' where people who have lived there for 35 years are still 'outsiders' and don't dare call themselves locals.  That is apparently a birthright there.   I can't figure that out really because as a town it's the pits and I wouldn't want to admit I even came from there if I was them.



Maybe if you just do the things you like to do you'll notice someone else doing likewise and strike up acquaintance at least.  If you like movies, go the the tight*rse Tuesday matinees and notice who else turns up at them.  Or as SB mentioned walking in a place you like might mean you keep bumping into the same person or people to start up a chat with, things may or not go on from there.  At least they'll be people with similar interests.


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## Diwundrin (Nov 21, 2013)

Hey OG, I see you and I were thinking along similar lines.  Now we'd get along just fine and I reckon we could leave a trail of debris through those S.Baps and Southern Belles without taking much effort at all.


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## Ozarkgal (Nov 21, 2013)

Diwundrin said:


> Hey OG, I see you and I were thinking along similar lines. Now we'd get along just fine and I reckon we could leave a trail of debris through those S.Baps and Southern Belles without taking much effort at all.




Wanna go to lunch?


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## Diwundrin (Nov 21, 2013)

Yep, can Jilly come?


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## SifuPhil (Nov 21, 2013)

Like Di I find that cyber-friends are all I need or want to handle right now. My roommate unfortunately is one of those who talktalktalk and can't understand my ability to go for days without uttering a single word.

I get wrapped up in my writing, and it becomes my world. I populate it with characters of my choosing and spend hours putting words in their mouths. For me that's all the "friendship" I need. That being said it's nice to come to places like this and chew the fat for a while with REAL folk - it isn't a make-or-break kind of deal, though, and don't feel bad - that's just my personality. I've always been a loner.

So, Georgia, I'm afraid I can offer no better advice than to mirror Di's and suggest you search within for companionship.


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## Ozarkgal (Nov 21, 2013)

Diwundrin said:


> Yep, can Jilly come?



 Of course Jilly can come.. get the plane tickets, and I'll spring for lunch. I'll take you   to the local convenience store gas station, a really good place for inbred hillbilly watching and all kinds of southern fried food under heat lamps.  

After we partake of all the fried catfish, hush puppies and sweet tea we can hold we'll exercise it off by doing a walking tour of the local Baptist Churches in the area. It won't take long as there are so many, and they're really close together.  In fact, we could probably see all the ones we want by just sitting on a bench.  

Oh Boy!..Hurry, I'm getting really excited! layful:


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## Diwundrin (Nov 21, 2013)

Not sure about that walking thing, maybe we can hire a couple 'gofers'.  We can strip down to Wal-mart fashion and 'do' the church strip.  



The catfish I can handle but had to look up hush puppies. That's a brand of shoe here and didn't fancy gnawing on 2nd hand boots for dessert.  Research though has shown that they appear to be my kind of calorie bomb.  I've bookmarked a recipe to give 'em a try.

You've yet again led me astray from the path of nutrition righteousness.  Hallelujah!


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## Jillaroo (Nov 21, 2013)

Ozarkgal said:


> Of course Jilly can come.. get the plane tickets, and I'll spring for lunch. I'll take you   to the local convenience store gas station, a really good place for inbred hillbilly watching and all kinds of southern fried food under heat lamps.
> 
> After we partake of all the fried catfish, hush puppies and sweet tea we can hold we'll exercise it off by doing a walking tour of the local Baptist Churches in the area. It won't take long as there are so many, and they're really close together.  In fact, we could probably see all the ones we want by just sitting on a bench.
> 
> Oh Boy!..Hurry, I'm getting really excited! layful:



HaHa i would like to see us two old ducks waddling around looking at churches, it would be a fascinating tour though, i've often thought of gathering a few friends and taking them on a tour of the local sewerage farm, now that would be delightful , i believe they hand out sample bags too, & we could set up a picnic table next to it and have some lovely chicken & champagne taking in all those delightful aromas, and thanks for asking if i can come Di your a treasure.


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## Jackie22 (Nov 22, 2013)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> I wish and wish I had a friend. There are people I know in the subdivision, but they're really DD's friends, so just people I know. A few of them are my clients, and they're friendly enough but they're all way younger than I am...younger married couples with young kids. It's been 4 1/2 years since I came here after DH died, and I'm tellin' ya, the loneliness is positively crushing, even suffocating.
> 
> Since I've never been a "joiner" and just don't have the personality to waltz into a group like MeetUp, that's out. I've tried volunteering, but in these trying financial times, nobody wants even one more volunteer because they're overloaded with them as it is...tried volunteering at a food panty. Nope. They want money, not more volunteers. Tried the library. Nope. They actually have a waiting list of volunteers, and their budgets/hours have been cut so much that there's no need.
> 
> ...



Georgia, I most certainly understand what you're saying, one thought.....you might talk to your daughter's friends, maybe their parents know of  something....a senior group that get together, who knows maybe their parents are looking for friends too, anyway, as others have said, stay busy and keep searching..good luck.

OG, I feel the same with the 'Southern Baptist and Bells'...lol, ever notice how the Baptist churches multiply?  Part of the congregation gets mad at the other part, they break off and start their own church and so on and on...we have four in this small town...lol


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## Judi.D (Nov 22, 2013)

Georgia I understand exactly how you feel, and know how hard it is. I have been widowed for 15 years. 

Do you have a hobby or something you have always wanted to learn to do. Could you take a class or maybe even teach one. It is a good way to meet people with like interests.


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## JustBonee (Nov 22, 2013)

There used to be organizations for women over 50 to join and do things with .. one such is/was the Red Hat Society. Anyone ever hear of it? ... wear purple and a big red hat! .. They had chapters are over the country.   Maybe one near you?  
I'm sure there are other organizations like that. Even Bingo halls or card playing groups locally to join. .. something where you aren't a fifth wheel.

Georgia, I'm also alone since my husband died early in the year.  It is a totally different life to live. I understand that. .. But I haven't moved, and although my husband had been talking about moving away - even out of the country - in his retirement, it never came to that.  (He was 68 and still working).. I don't know how I would have dealt with that nightmare, especially if it was out of the country and being alone. 

But doing things, and staying busy is very important. I'm a little too busy at times, doing my normal stuff, and doing things that would have been things I would never attempt if my husband was alive. ..I'm getting some backbone that I didn't know I had!


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## That Guy (Nov 22, 2013)

Unfortunately, true friends aren't made . . . they just happen and there's no telling who, what, when  or where.  The best friends I've ever had, and I can count 'em on one hand, all appeared without warning.


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## Ozarkgal (Nov 22, 2013)

Jackie...Yes, splintering off is how so many churches happen in this area also.  It is more a social network than a place to worship.  We have so many tiny churches around here, some look to only be able to hold about 20 people at the most.  There are two or three large ones, supported I suppose by the movers and shakers of the county.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 22, 2013)

Ladies, ladies, ladies! Wait up! Y'all planned lunch together and forgot ME? What the heck is that all about? I wanna be included.

And y'all are right about those churches. Of course, they're ALL the one true church, right? LOL

I'm feeling a bit better today. It's hard to stay positive and be cheerful and really mean it. Makes me wonder about all the happyhappyhappy people we all see every day and whether those are their outside faces or if they really are happyhappyhappy. If they really are, I'm envious. Oops. Envy. Isn't that one of the seven mortal sins? I am SO screwed!


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## Diwundrin (Nov 22, 2013)

Well you are if envy is the best sin you can come up with GX.  



See folks?  We forgot her for lunch, that's what happens to we spare old girls, forlorn and forgotten.  But you did exactly the right thing GX.  You stood up, waved and said 'hey, waddaboud me!'   You gotta get noticed to get company. 

   We'll, save you a chair.


Oh, and whoever said leave 'em laughing had it right, people prefer the company that makes them smile.


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## Happyflowerlady (Nov 22, 2013)

Judi.D said:


> Georgia I understand exactly how you feel, and know how hard it is. I have been widowed for 15 years.
> 
> Do you have a hobby or something you have always wanted to learn to do. Could you take a class or maybe even teach one. It is a good way to meet people with like interests.



I think this is a great idea, and a way to make some friends who also like the same thing, GX. We have Michaels, a hobby/craft store here that has lessons on all sorts of crafts, as well as seasonal things, like making things for a Christmas gift. I know they had knitting and crocheting classes, and for different levels, so even if you already know how, you can still enjoy making a project together. 
One of my friends here, I actually met through Craigslist. She was selling some things, and I bought something from her, and we started talking, discovered we both loved yard sales, and fishing, and soon became good friends. So, the friends are out there, you just have to go places and do things that you enjoy, and you will find a friend.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 22, 2013)

Flowerlady, it's my plan to sign up at Michael's for cake decorating classes in the spring or summer, but right now I'm still working so it's on the back burner for now. I've been saying that I wanted to learn to decorate cakes for years and years. This time I'm really gonna do it. Well, I'm really gonna do it if I can quit working Fingers crossed!


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## Happyflowerlady (Nov 22, 2013)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> SeaBreeze, y'all aren't "just" cyberfriends!
> 
> Senior Centers here closed...budget constraints, donchanno. Sure glad I'm not one of the folks who get (or used to get) Meals on Wheels. They've cut back so much that there are a lot of older homebound people who have lost even that connection to the "outside".



One of my "money-making ideas" was to deliver groceries for shut-ins, or people without a vehicle, or who just couldn't  do their own shopping for one reason or another. I had even gotten as far as checking with the Senior Center here, to see if anyone needed that service, and then , circumstances changed, and I moved. 
However, an ad either online, or in the local free Nickel Paper (whatever is called there), could very well find some clients for you, and then you could be making a little extra money, while at the same time meeting people for possible friendship, and helping people out at the same time. As you mentioned, they have lost connection to the outside, so i am sure you will find people your age that are also looking for a new friend.


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## SifuPhil (Nov 22, 2013)

I had thought about a food delivery service many moons ago also, and got to the point where I wondered what would happen if you got too many picky shoppers that wanted a piece of meat marbled just so or bananas with an exact 30/70 ratio of yellow to green. 

After that, and accounting for the gas and time involved, it would have been a losing proposition for me. Not saying for anyone else - just for me at that time, in that place.


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## Diwundrin (Nov 22, 2013)

Ummm. Doing that nice thing of offering transport and help with shopping can snowball to nightmare proportions.

Been there, done that!  It started as a favour for one of Mum's old friends. Lovely lady and well deserving of a hand but unfortunately it didn't stop there.  Mum opened her big mouth and told her other card playing old crones not to hesitate to let us know if they ever needed help that way too.  (Gee thanks, would've been nice to have at least asked me!)
While 'the chosen one' was very thoughtful, always ready to go when I pulled up, had her grocery list in aisle order, was great company and did her own trolley filling, the others took the invitation as a free, on call, taxi and slave service.  

They kept me waiting, engine idling, as long as they felt entitled to.  They'd call to ask me to pick up something, a litre of milk 'n such and deliver it to their door. They were nothing short of hell in the supermarket with the "oh, could you just find ...whatever.. for me dear, I must have missed it" meanwhile they'd stand chatting while I filled their whole grocery order, one item at a time!

Then when I got them home I was carrying everything in, packing it in cupboards and wondering why the hell my back kept giving out on me.  They would regale me with tales of playing 21 ends of outdoor bowls in 30+ temps last Tuesday while having me do their cupboard stacking for them!  The old buggers were in better nick than I was, no way I'd have survived 21 ends outdoors in the sun!

 The 'walk' to the bus stop one door down from one old dear where she caught a bus to the cits centre was just too much for her suddenly and I would be summoned to deposit her at the door.  My life was even less my own than ever and even though Mum by that time was to unwell to do shopping trips, and the card games had long ceased,  I was still lumbered with the clingers.  

This went on  until the original friend moved to aged care and that's when I planted the foot firmly.  There was a domestic disturbance of fair proportion over my withdrawal from pandering to her old friends who no longer even bothered to call on her, or even phone to talk to her, they only wanted to talk to me about when I could pick them up!  She never did see through them, but then she wasn't doing the work!

Would you believe only one of her 5 'friends' ever bothered to even send us a Christmas card once the favours were withdrawn?

Unless you treat it as a strictly cash business you won't find any friends doing that sort of volunteering you will only find clingers. .. and believe me they can really drag you down.  Don't let it get personal or 'friendly' or  it will quickly become a duty, not a favour.

It's not that they are bad people, it's simply human nature kicking in as survival tactic for the otherwise helpless.  Emotional blackmail is pretty much the only ammunition they have left and believe me they are crack shots with it.


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## SifuPhil (Nov 22, 2013)

That's an interesting point about survival behavior. I wonder if such behavior suddenly develops along with the need, or is it dormant within everyone?

I tend to think the latter. Some people let it out earlier - the users, the con-men - while some never let it out at all. Perhaps just the people that have displayed control tendencies throughout their lives are the ones that show it most strongly in their senior years.


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## Diwundrin (Nov 22, 2013)

> Perhaps just the people that have displayed control tendencies  throughout their lives are the ones that show it most strongly in their  senior years.



Got that right!  No offence to the other girls but I can't think of anyone more adept at manipulation than a mother.  Old ones just know more about how to wield the talent most effectively.  They switch the stick for the carrot of a pat on the head and the dispensation of a feel good moment as a reward.

...yeah, yeah, told ya I was cynical.  But I've known a lot of oldies and while they're not all devious, the ones surviving best are.


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## SifuPhil (Nov 22, 2013)

Hmmm ... so in order to live longer than your average wheel of Provolone I'll have to learn an entirely new skill set? I'll have to discard my innocence, my naivety, my optimism and my trust in my fellow man? I'll have to become scheming and cynical and paranoid? 

Not sure I can do that, but by gosh and by golly I'll try, or my name isn't Uncle Sam!


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## Diwundrin (Nov 22, 2013)

Oh yeah! Go for it, it can be well worth the effort.


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## Davey Jones (Nov 23, 2013)

RE:I've never been a "joiner" and just don't have the personality to waltz into a group like MeetUp,


Im the same as you and Ive guardianship of a 15 year old and also take care of a 7 year while his Father work and that keeps me very busy.
What Im trying to say if you  have the ability,health,strength then try to foster a kid or become a big brother,Im sure some in your neighborhood would love for you to babysit an older child.
By the way,Im 76.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 23, 2013)

Davey Jones, I'm still working so something like that would be out of the question. Aside from working, though, I live in a tiny granny flat attached to my DD's house. How tiny? Less than 300sf.


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