# Just a vent but I wish my daughter would



## GeorgiaXplant (Feb 14, 2016)

ask rather than tell. Now...before anybody thinks I'm an ungrateful wretch, I'm glad that I'm included in family plans. Most of the time. 

Daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter are going to go to Chili's for an early supper today. She told me about it this morning and told me that "we" would leave around 4. There's a reason for going. It's because grandson and his GF are going to cook their Valentine's Day dinner here and "we want to give them some alone time"...that's fine.

Here's my problem: I don't really much like going out to eat, and when I do, Chili's is the last place I'd choose. It's the week before payday so they're kind of broke but have gift cards to Chili's so their choice is understandable.

My granny flat (Lilliput) is under the same roof as the main house but is completely self-contained and has a separate entrance. There's a connecting door to their back hall, laundry room and kitchen so that we can get back and forth without having to go outside and around the house to use my outside door.

I live in my own place and usually only go over there to do my laundry or join them for supper maybe one or two nights a week.

I wouldn't dream of going over there to interrupt grandson and his GF. So...why is my presence required for an early supper, especially at a restaurant that I don't like? >le sigh<


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## Ameriscot (Feb 14, 2016)

Understandable.  I wouldn't like being told I'm going out to eat, especially to a restaurant I don't like.  Can you just tell your daughter you don't want to go and that you have no plans to disturb grandson?


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## Shalimar (Feb 14, 2016)

Same here, Georgia. If that fails, perhaps you are not feeling well enough to go out?


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## GeorgiaXplant (Feb 14, 2016)

I told her that I really would rather not go and wouldn't intrude on grandson. She countered with "but it's family! and it's Valentine's Day! You have to go!"

Not feeling well doesn't wash because that would just be a thinly-disguised excuse since I've already expressed disinterest in going along this time. I don't feel like I should say anything more because they're all "up" on going to Chili's, and I don't want to cast a pall on their (early) evening out.

Being caught between the devil and the deep blue sea isn't a fun place. Guess I'll just have to suck it up, put on my happy face (hello? Eleanor Rigby?) and go


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## tnthomas (Feb 14, 2016)

Being told " You have to go!" is almost as bad as being excluded from family activities- either by deliberate or by thoughtless action.  Just sayin', tho' I do understand.


Chili's isn't that great anyway.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Feb 14, 2016)

tnt...yup. While I'm glad that I'm included, they have their own lives and their own things to do, and sometimes they just need to do them without me. That's why I'd rather be asked when they want to include me and told when they're going to do something without me.

You're right about Chili's. It's just a different version of fast food that costs more than the drive-thru.

Hindsight is 20/20. If I'd had a crystal ball, I'd have kept the $ spent on building Lilliput and found a place of my own nearby so that I could live my own life all of the time and so that they would never feel obligated to include me in theirs.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Feb 14, 2016)

Dammit. We were supposed to leave about 4. It's now 5:45 and son-in-law still isn't home from work. Chili's is located in a small and trendy mall close to home, the stores there close at 6 on Sundays. Reckon people will head from the stores to Chili's? You reckon right!

I'm trying real hard to not be annoyed. 

Deliver me.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Feb 14, 2016)

I went. It was okay. With a little luck, I'm off the hook for anymore family outings until daughter's birthday at the end of May.


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## Cookie (Feb 14, 2016)

Georgia, glad you went and got through it ok.  But I would politely decline if I didn't want to go.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Feb 14, 2016)

Georgia, I'm glad it all worked out for you.I still have my hubby and our own home, but I do understand your situation . Like you, we are so happy our kids want to include us, but I wish they would just give us the option, for whatever the situation might be, and abide by our decision without laying on guilt or advice. Many of our friends have the same problem. Maybe it's a generation thing.


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## SifuPhil (Feb 14, 2016)

Georgia, while I understand your view on this, consider please MY view - I have no family here to invite me anywhere; my one son is with his mother who-knows-where, and my other son is down there in Georgia. I HAVE no invites to turn down.

Even to Chili's.


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## Cookie (Feb 14, 2016)

I don't have any relatives here except my son, and we always go to the same restaurant for brunch or dinner, just an ordinary pub across the street from where I live. I consider myself extremely fortunate that we can do this.  If one of us isn't up for it, there's no pressure. 

 Phil, a shame your kids are far away. I hope you have other extended family/friends to hang with.


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## SifuPhil (Feb 14, 2016)

Cookie said:


> Phil, a shame your kids are far away. I hope you have other extended family/friends to hang with.



No, not really. Another reason I'm a monk.


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## Ameriscot (Feb 14, 2016)

Glad you got through it Georgia.

My family is across the pond and step family is 5 hours away. We do spend 3 or 4 weeks in Michigan every year. But guess who pays when we go out with son's family? Yep. That's what grannies are for right?


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## jujube (Feb 15, 2016)

I'd be happy if my daughter would just include me occasionally.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Feb 15, 2016)

Well, I'm over being cranky at least and over the sugar overload from eating Chili's molten lava chocolate cake, and relieved that any other family things that might come up won't include eating out! I'm always up for going to a Braves game or to the Telus Science Museum, Georgia Aquarium, High Museum of Art or a performance at the Fox Theatre. Or ziplining.


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## Butterfly (Feb 15, 2016)

I just don't like being told I HAVE to go somewhere or do something, and I hate being pressured to go or do something.  HAVE TO go?  No, I'm retired and there aren't that many things I HAVE TO do anymore.


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## Fern (Feb 15, 2016)

SifuPhil said:


> Georgia, while I understand your view on this, consider please MY view - I have no family here to invite me anywhere; my one son is with his mother who-knows-where, and my other son is down there in Georgia. I HAVE no invites to turn down.
> 
> Even to Chili's.



I'm in a similar situation, No invites to turn down, but on the very odd occasion I do get asked, I gratefully accept. 
Perhaps some are used to, too much of a good thing.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Feb 15, 2016)

We shouldn`t really HAVE to do anything anymore. And I`m with you-Chili`s is ick. Applebee`s too. Kids love those places but we avoid whenever possible.


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## Debby (Feb 15, 2016)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> I told her that I really would rather not go and wouldn't intrude on grandson. She countered with "but it's family! and it's Valentine's Day! You have to go!"
> 
> Not feeling well doesn't wash because that would just be a thinly-disguised excuse since I've already expressed disinterest in going along this time. I don't feel like I should say anything more because they're all "up" on going to Chili's, and I don't want to cast a pall on their (early) evening out.
> 
> Being caught between the devil and the deep blue sea isn't a fun place. Guess I'll just have to suck it up, put on my happy face (hello? Eleanor Rigby?) and go






Or....maybe a perspective adjustment might help you look at it in a more positive way?  That your family like you enough that they put some pressure on you to join them instead of gratefully accepting your opting out of the family evening.  You know, being a vegan in a small rural community, quite often when we go out for something to eat, I'm stuck with fries while everyone else has interesting choices to choose from.  But I like to go anyway, just because I love them and despite getting one more chance to hone my expertise as a connoisseur of French fries (some are great, some are awful!) I still always enjoy just being there with them.  Remember, one day you won't be able to just hang out with them.  Just a thought.


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## Linda (Feb 15, 2016)

Georgia, I'm glad it all turned out OK.  Did your grandson have a nice time cooking dinner?   

I often turn down going out.  While I'm here at my daughter's I go places with her and my granddaughter during the day (granddaughter is driving in the LA traffic while her mom's shoulder heals up) but this week end I thought my son-in-law should get to spend a bit of alone time with his wife.  Plus they go to boring places, like a Vintage Clothing Expo and today they went to the movies and saw Star Wars.  No thanks.   

Well,  3 or 4 people here put down one of my favorite restaurants.  My kids hate Chilis and won't go in there either.  I guess my husband and I are the only ones who know a good place when we see it.   We go there a couple times a year and get some appetizer plate that has southwestern egg rolls and dipping sauce.  That and Margaritas are it for us.  And I get 2 because I'm not driving.


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## oldman (Feb 16, 2016)

I am a weird bird when it comes to this type of stuff. I don't mind being told when and where I am going as long as I have the date open. I am not a 'planner', so this makes life easier for me. If I go to a restaurant that I don't care for very much, I always order salad. Every restaurant that I have been to has a salad and I get to go without any fuss and I still feel invited and accepted. My daughter especially likes to eat out at the better places. Sometimes I treat, but mostly her and the S-I-L pick up the check. First thing when we sit down is, "Dad, you are not paying, so keep your wallet in your back pocket." I don't even carry a wallet in my back pocket. I carry a pilot's wallet, which is much different from an ordinary man's wallet. My son and I generally split the check. This is something that I started after he first got married and we would go out to dinner together. He never got out of the habit of thinking we were splitting the check and I never mentioned it because it's all good for me.


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## Lethe200 (Feb 19, 2016)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> I'm always up for going to a Braves game or to the Telus Science Museum, Georgia Aquarium, High Museum of Art or a performance at the Fox Theatre. Or ziplining.



But have you told your daughter that? Just wondering. Sometimes family members get caught thinking "well it should be obvious", but seen from the other side, it actually isn't. 

And no, if I didn't feel like going, I wouldn't. I'd just hand them the gift card and say, "The treat's on me - have fun!" 

But I would feel flattered that they wanted to include me, and be gracious in my declination. There's a whole lot of family I don't see by choice, so it's always nice to see the family I DO enjoy, LOL.


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## fureverywhere (Feb 19, 2016)

Two Long Island Ice Tea's and yep whatever son and daughter in law  are arguing about. It's all good, me and my beautiful grandboy...


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## GeorgiaXplant (Feb 20, 2016)

Lethe200 said:


> But have you told your daughter that? Just wondering. Sometimes family members get caught thinking "well it should be obvious", but seen from the other side, it actually isn't.
> 
> And no, if I didn't feel like going, I wouldn't. I'd just hand them the gift card and say, "The treat's on me - have fun!"
> 
> But I would feel flattered that they wanted to include me, and be gracious in my declination. There's a whole lot of family I don't see by choice, so it's always nice to see the family I DO enjoy, LOL.



Yes, I've said it many times. They're aware of the things I'd like to be included in when possible, and when I decline an invitation, I decline with very polite thanks that they thought of me.

Anyway, it's not anything I have to think about any time soon because at the moment, any "spare" money is being thrown at medical expenses for granddaughter and to finance prom, senior pictures, repairs/maintenance for grandson's "new" car. Yay.


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