# Will I cope without adult children/other family?



## Sunflower (Oct 10, 2017)

Hi everyone, my first post here 

I have no children or siblings, but I am financially comfortable. 

I am worried that when I start to lose my independence, will I be able to get by on just money alone? I know that money can't buy someone who cares, but for the actual services that I will need, will I be able to just hire them?

I am not sure what kind of services I need, but possibly:

Assisted living/retirement community - assume this just needs money
Caretakers to help with daily tasks - ditto
Power of attorney - hire a professional to take on this role? 
Financial assistant to help pay bills?


Are there things that I may need that can't be hired? Off the top of my head, someone to put a spy camera to make sure carers are not abusing you! What else have I missed?

Thanks all


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## Aunt Bea (Oct 10, 2017)

I have similar concerns and I really don't know the answer.

I'm trying to simplify my life by reducing and organizing my possessions, consolidating my finances, prepaying my final expenses, etc...

The main concern that I have is finding an advocate that will watch over me when it comes to a medical power of attorney or if I wind up in an assisted living facility.

I keep hoping that the assisted suicide laws will evolve in time for me to make a quick exit if the need arises.

I try to take it as it comes because all through my life the things that I worried the most about never happened, hopefully this will be one of those times.

Good luck!


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 10, 2017)

I have no children either, just one older sister still alive and she lives in another state, still wouldn't want to impose on her even if she was able when the time came.  If you have enough money, then it seems to me that going to a reputable assistant living community would take care of most of your needs.  If the facility has a good reputation and high quality caregiving, then cameras shouldn't really be necessary.

  I would also choose suicide if I was no longer able to care for myself and remain fairly independent, the biggest worry is if I'm mentally unable to make that decision at the time.  You would have to find someone trustworthy to assign medical power or attorney, etc., that is tricky unless you have a long time friend or neighbor who is reliable and honest.  I think a lot of us have these concerns as we get older.  Welcome to the forum!


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## Sunflower (Oct 11, 2017)

Aunt Bea said:


> The main concern that I have is finding an advocate that will watch over me when it comes to a medical power of attorney or if I wind up in an assisted living facility.
> 
> I keep hoping that the assisted suicide laws will evolve in time for me to make a quick exit if the need arises.
> 
> ...



I am also hoping it's one of those things I worry about and never happens! I have tried searching for professional advocacy services but seem to only find lawyers who are offering to draft up the legal documents. 



SeaBreeze said:


> I have no children either, just one older sister still alive and she lives in another state, still wouldn't want to impose on her even if she was able when the time came.  If you have enough money, then it seems to me that going to a reputable assistant living community would take care of most of your needs.  If the facility has a good reputation and high quality caregiving, then cameras shouldn't really be necessary.
> 
> I would also choose suicide if I was no longer able to care for myself and remain fairly independent, the biggest worry is if I'm mentally unable to make that decision at the time.  You would have to find someone trustworthy to assign medical power or attorney, etc., that is tricky unless you have a long time friend or neighbor who is reliable and honest.  I think a lot of us have these concerns as we get older.  Welcome to the forum!



Like you both, I would also prefer suicide over living without quality of life, but I would hate to have to go that way. I try to tell myself that if I lost my mental capacity, then I will no longer be aware enough to care, so it won't matter then!


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## Lethe200 (Oct 11, 2017)

You have to make the decisions about legal power of attorney, durable healthcare power of attorney (most states no longer accept Living Wills), and doing so should have your will or trust in place as well.

A reputable facility will generally not accept new residents if their affairs are not in order. 

If you wish to age in place, you need to do a few things:
– Who can you rely on for assistance? They need to be able to spare time for you, which can be considerable in an emergency. 
– If you need to pay someone to be your assistant, have you asked friends for references? For example: One of our friends does several jobs since she's self–employed, and loves assisting seniors. We've known her for 15 yrs and used her for my MIL, who adored her. She's a reliable referral, and completely honest. But she doesn't advertise, she only will take clients by word of mouth because this isn't her main business. I prefer a business relationship, because anyone who invests time in your personal affairs deserves to be paid for it.
- Can your home be easily modified for universal access? 
- Do you have a contractor or handyman as a RECENT, reliable resource who could do modifications for you in an emergency? Because most people put it off, until something happens and....whoops! we needed a wheelchair ramp done yesterday!
- What is the best convalescent facility near you or near your doctor? Most states publish ratings.
- How much does the facility cost? Assume you have a serious injury, it might be 2-3 months before you could get back home. It is a common pattern as people age, to go in and out of convalescent facilities during their final independent years.
- Are you able to afford licensed bonded home healthcare aides, or settle for "gray workers"? The former is expensive. The latter, *without exception* among the elderly cases I've heard of, have lost considerable personal possessions from theft. Those workers don't get paid much, and it's not like you're going to beat them up to get your earrings back. 

- Have you investigated the senior facilities available to you? There are many different types since there's no federal standard of eldercare, unlike Canada for instance. Do you know what they cost, at every level and for every option? What's their policy on shifting from Asst. Lvg. to Managed/Skilled Care? What's their record for complaints on the state board? Are they profit or non-profit? Are they well-funded and in solid financial health (it usually takes your tax advisor to look over the facility's financials to tell you this)? What's their staff to patient ratio, and how does it compare with its peers? What's the staff turnover rate? Have you visited multiple times, tried the food, participated in activities, met and talked with at least two or three long-term residents?

We had one friend who sold her home and moved to a regular apartment building. After about 5 years she had slowed down enough (fell and broke her hip) that she moved into a senior housing complex. She was still active and drove her car, so it fit her lifestyle well. She was there for another 8 yrs. There was staff 24/7, she had a small kitchen when she felt like cooking, or could go to the DR if she wanted to be served. No medical assistance was given, but residents could pay for it privately and many did. 

Eventually she moved to a full Skilled Care nursing facility, as her health declined. But she was able to manage on her own for quite a long while before needing managed care.

Anyway, sorry for the length of this but HTH! Good luck to you.


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## Sunflower (Nov 11, 2017)

Lethe200 said:


> You have to make the decisions about legal power of attorney, durable healthcare power of attorney (most states no longer accept Living Wills), and doing so should have your will or trust in place as well.
> 
> A reputable facility will generally not accept new residents if their affairs are not in order.
> 
> ...



I somehow missed this back when you posted it. Thanks very much for writing all this out! Very much appreciated  

I would feel uncomfortable relying too much on friends for assistance, so would prefer to pay people. Hopefully that is possible and not too difficult finding reliable people. A friend of mine has no children either and when her parents got ill, she said it made her realise she wouldn't have any of the help she was giving to her parents. 

Your friend sounds like she managed to be independent for a long time. Hopefully I can be like that too.


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## Marie5656 (Nov 11, 2017)

*Do you have Long term care insurance?  That would help you if you needed to move into an assisted living center or senior apartment.  Hopefully, one of our members, Lon, will see this post.  He just moved a couple weeks back.
I found out too later about long term insurance.  I used to work as a Senior Companion.  Unfortunatly, since it is not considered filling a medical need, insurance will not cover it.  Home Health care IS covered.
*


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## jujube (Nov 11, 2017)

Unfortunately, a lot of us who DO have children aren't expecting much assistance from them in the future....


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## Sunflower (Nov 12, 2017)

Marie5656 said:


> *Do you have Long term care insurance?  That would help you if you needed to move into an assisted living center or senior apartment.  Hopefully, one of our members, Lon, will see this post.  He just moved a couple weeks back.
> I found out too later about long term insurance.  I used to work as a Senior Companion.  Unfortunatly, since it is not considered filling a medical need, insurance will not cover it.  Home Health care IS covered.
> *



I am in the United Kingdom so I don't think we have long term care insurance over here. I think we just have to pay for our own care unless you qualify for government help.



jujube said:


> Unfortunately, a lot of us who DO have children aren't expecting much assistance from them in the future....



yes that is true. also people are so busy with their own lives, even if I had children I suppose I wouldn't want to burden them too much


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## tortiecat (Nov 12, 2017)

I don't consider it a burden to ask children for help when needed.
After all we never considered them a burden when raising them.
Mind you, I am still fairly independent, but I know, and they have told
me never to hesitate to ask for help, and this gives me great peace of mind.


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## rgp (Nov 27, 2017)

And here I thought I was the only one that pondered such things...Also single, no kids, older sister lives in another state, friends dead. Exception being one in California...we're to far away to be of much help to each other.

IMO...we seniors, need to _campaign_ for more states allowing assisted suicide . Crappy thing to think about I know , but I also know it is important to be in charge / control of our own lives . Not leave the end to a stranger....jus-sayin'

Yeah I know...there's always the .45 but damn what a mess.


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## tortiecat (Nov 27, 2017)

I live in Quebec, Canada where assisted suicide is legal, and I would not hesitate to  use
it when and if the time comes.  We also have a palliative care home near where I live
and again I would not hesitate to go there.


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## Kaya (Nov 27, 2017)

SeaBreeze said:


> I have no children either, just one older sister still alive and she lives in another state, still wouldn't want to impose on her even if she was able when the time came.  If you have enough money, then it seems to me that going to a reputable assistant living community would take care of most of your needs.  If the facility has a good reputation and high quality caregiving, then cameras shouldn't really be necessary.
> 
> I would also choose suicide if I was no longer able to care for myself and remain fairly independent, the biggest worry is if I'm mentally unable to make that decision at the time.  You would have to find someone trustworthy to assign medical power or attorney, etc., that is tricky unless you have a long time friend or neighbor who is reliable and honest.  I think a lot of us have these concerns as we get older.  Welcome to the forum!



When I get to where I KNOW I will wind up in some state home with strangers that will chuckle as I gasp for air like those morons did to that veteran...I will do it myself way before that, while I am still capable.


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## rgp (Nov 27, 2017)

Kaya said:


> When I get to where I KNOW I will wind up in some state home with strangers that will chuckle as I gasp for air like those morons did to that veteran...I will do it myself way before that, while I am still capable.



Problem is...we seldom know when the time is near. One stroke that doesn't kill us, but renders us incapable...and there ya are .....someone else is in control. And they will do _EVERYTHING_ they can to keep you alive......till the money runs out. 

Note...alive...not living.......big difference.


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## DaveA (Nov 27, 2017)

tortiecat said:


> I don't consider it a burden to ask children for help when needed.
> After all we never considered them a burden when raising them.
> Mind you, I am still fairly independent, but I know, and they have told
> me never to hesitate to ask for help, and this gives me great peace of mind.



I couldn't have stated it any better.  We've lived surrounded by children (who are now reaching 60) and grandkids as well.  Through the years we have always been here to help when illness or problems have hit them.  We never preached the "it's time for us to enjoy our lives, you're on your own" sermon.  We've been available to the kids, over the years and our offers of help have never been abused.  If we need help in our final years, the kids have assured us that it will be available and we are so thankful for it.


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## Kaya (Nov 27, 2017)

rgp said:


> Problem is...we seldom know when the time is near. One stroke that doesn't kill us, but renders us incapable...and there ya are .....someone else is in control. And they will do _EVERYTHING_ they can to keep you alive......till the money runs out.
> 
> Note...alive...not living.......big difference.




They better hope like hell I can't use a trigger finger because if I am abused I will take them with me. And I have no money. I figure as long as I have my best friend (hubby) with me..I will be fine. But when he goes...I have nobody else I can trust. I will just go with him.


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## rgp (Nov 28, 2017)

Kaya said:


> They better hope like hell I can't use a trigger finger because if I am abused I will take them with me. And I have no money. I figure as long as I have my best friend (hubby) with me..I will be fine. But when he goes...I have nobody else I can trust. I will just go with him.



If a person has money, is seriously stricken and has an appointed POA .....That could be the best, because the family wants the money....they might likely say....pull the plug.

But if the stricken has money, no family, & no appointed POA ....Now they're in trouble. Because the hospital, [sworn to save lives, protect the living] etc. Will have their legal team, assume POA ...to pay the persons _bill_. And as long as that persons estate is paying the bill.....How much of that "bill" is gross & how much is net ? Gross is what buys new Mercedes , net just pays the electric to keep the machine & you...going. When the estate runs out....well.....you know. 

And this stricken person could have a miserable existence for as long as the money last. 

Yes I know that's dark...and yes I know some will argue...but I wouldn't doubt the above has happened , and will again.

Remember....always follow the money.


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## Aunt Bea (Nov 28, 2017)

*rgp, 

*I don't think that your scenario is too far fetched.  

I've been in a few nursing homes that remind me of dairy farms, the administration is _milking _the residents and the government for as long as the money holds out.

You are correct...always follow the money.


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