# Yes, I have been drinking, it is the 7th anniversary of my husband's death, Help me.



## Vivjen (Jan 31, 2014)

What else can I say?


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## Fern (Jan 31, 2014)

That's tough. Having a drink, especially under sad circumstances, is more than acceptable.


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## Bullie76 (Jan 31, 2014)

Deaths are tough anniversary dates to deal with. Try to think of good times you had together.


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## Ina (Jan 31, 2014)

Vivjen, does it help you to talk about it? It does for me, but those around me act as if nothing ever happened or that he ever existed. If it helps, you know we'll listen.


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## Vivjen (Jan 31, 2014)

Yes Ina, but it doesn't get any better. You had a much tougher time than me, but I can't see anything in the future.
i don't know what to do.


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## Warrigal (Jan 31, 2014)

I don't mean this as a pious platitude, Vivjen, but if you asking for help to get through this day, then remember this



> [SIZE=+3]The Serenity Prayer[/SIZE]​ God grant me the serenity
> to accept the things I cannot change;
> courage to change the things I can;
> and wisdom to know the difference.
> ...



You did not have your husband yesterday and tomorrow will not bring him back to your arms.
By all means spend  time today remembering what you shared together 
but don't waste your life regretting something that is beyond your control.

One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, is how we get through days like this one.


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## Ina (Jan 31, 2014)

My loss is no worse than anyone else's. When I felt like you are, someone asked me if there wasn't anything I ever wanted to do that I hadn't been able to do. For me, it was an education. I studied so hard I had less time to feel. Is there anywhere you have always wanted to go, or something you did not get to do? :hug:


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## Fern (Jan 31, 2014)

What would you like to do to help fill in your time? join a social group for people in the same circumstances,  maybe do social work, that can be very rewarding.


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## Katybug (Jan 31, 2014)

When I am in the pits, Vivjen, I just hang on because it eases up. I understand today is particularly hard.  

We all need something to look forward to.  If I were you, I would make that happen.  A change of scenery from your overly depressing weather, somewhere warm and inviting, with someone, or even alone, will help somewhat in getting you out of despair.  Make yourself put it together, finger wagging at you.  

And know there are lots of us out here who care.  Have yourself another drink or 3 and put yourself to bed and end this very bad day. ((HUGS))


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## Vivjen (Jan 31, 2014)

Thanks, Katybug, and Fern. You are both so right, and I am trying....please let February be sunnier.


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## Fern (Jan 31, 2014)

Winter weather certainly has an effect on our mental well being. Hang on Vivjen, look forward to the sunnier days, they are not too far away, in the meantime is there something you could get your teeth into to help pass those winter days.?
Genealogy has become a passion of mine, and it sure helps to blow away those blues.


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## Diwundrin (Jan 31, 2014)

Jen have a drink or three by all means.  But use them to toast the fact that you were lucky enough to find and know someone you cared enough about to miss so much.  Celebrate the years of knowing him, rather than trying to drown the sorrow of his loss. 

 You carry the memories that keep him real, not the others who are over it.  It's up to you carry those memories proudly treasured and get on with living a different life to the one you hoped for.  We all do to some extent.  

I've never lost a husband but did lose a 'soul mate' and understand to some small extent the hole that must leave in your life, but there's still room around the hole to stack up with new experiences.  The hole is just part of a bigger landscape.  Pour some booze into it whenever you feel the need but don't pour everything else into it too okay?


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## Vivjen (Jan 31, 2014)

Fern said:


> Winter weather certainly has an effect on our mental well being. Hang on Vivjen, look forward to the sunnier days, they are not too far away, in the meantime is there something you could get your teeth into to help pass those winter days.?
> Genealogy has become a passion of mine, and it sure helps to blow away those blues.


Yes, Fern, I do that....currently researching WW1 medals.
If it ever stops raining, I think things will improve; today has just been awful


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## Old Hipster (Jan 31, 2014)

Hang in there Vivjen. I wish I knew how to make you feel better.

My mom buried 3 husbands and she gets really depressed. She always says what rotten luck she had, but I tend to think her husband's, one of which was my dad, didn't have such great luck either.

Warrigal said it best with the serenity prayer.


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## Vivjen (Jan 31, 2014)

Thankyou... You have all been so kind; one reason for joining.

It has been an awful day; tomorrow will be better, I hope. After all, I have been here before; it is just that every year I think it will be easier, and it isn't. 
When will I learn....


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## Jackie22 (Jan 31, 2014)

Many, many hugs, Jen, I do understand, it will soon be three years for me.

May the sun shine soon for you.


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## Happyflowerlady (Jan 31, 2014)

This is a Memorial Day of a lost loved one, and having days like that, and crying , is all a part of life. Feelings of all kinds are a deep part of life, and some days we just need to go with those feelings, whether we are happy, sad, angry, or whatever. 

For me, when I have lost someone that I loved, sometimes I just need to cry, and the crying is a part of the healing.
Tomorrow will be better, and you will probably have a renewed hope in the future again, but today is what it is; so let the tears and sadness come when they need to, and tomorrow, let the sun shine again.

Blessings and prayers, and a <<<BIG HUG>>>


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## Ozarkgal (Jan 31, 2014)

Hugs to you Vivjen...this is a sorrowful day, and you have to do what it takes to ease you through it.  If I were there, I'd pour for you, let you cry on my shoulder and help you nurse your hangover tomorrow.

One day at a time..it's all you can do.


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## Vivjen (Jan 31, 2014)

I am sorry; for myself!
all I can say is thanks one and all, you have given me the strength to carry on to tomorrow...and the day after.
maybe I shouldn't use the forum for my own misery, but it helps me no end...
Goodnight... Tomorrow is another day, and I may be embarrassed, but probably not.


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## Ina (Jan 31, 2014)

Vic, cuddle up with your puppy pal, and we all wish you Pease. :goodnight:  :Cya:


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## Old Hipster (Jan 31, 2014)

Vivjen said:


> I am sorry; for myself!
> all I can say is thanks one and all, you have given me the strength to carry on to tomorrow...and the day after.
> maybe I shouldn't use the forum for my own misery, but it helps me no end...
> Goodnight... Tomorrow is another day, and I may be embarrassed, but probably not.


Don't give it a thought. We are all here for each other and it does indeed help immensely for you to be able to share, and not keep everything bottled up.

Good night Vivjen


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## Pappy (Jan 31, 2014)

Good night and God Bless. My thoughts are with you.


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## SeaBreeze (Jan 31, 2014)

Vivjen, sending love and warm thoughts your way.  :rose: I don't know the feeling of losing my husband, and I get depressed just thinking about it.  My heart goes out to you, and I'm glad you're posting about it on the forum.  If it were me, I would like a place to go with friends there to comfort me on those sad days.  I think it's good to talk about things with those who care.  Tomorrow will be a better day...(((hugs))). :girl_hug:


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## Gracie (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry, Viv.

Grief has no end, but you can do this, hon.


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## Jillaroo (Feb 1, 2014)

_* I understand your pain Vivjen as i lost my husband in an accident 20 years ago on august 13th, it still feels like yesterday and i still miss him very much. Have one for me Viv. *_


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## Ozarkgal (Feb 1, 2014)

A big group hug for all you ladies that have lost your loves, and any of you fellows too...I'm counting my blessings as I'm reading this, hoping against hope that I could cope half as well if I were in your shoes!

:bighug:


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## That Guy (Feb 1, 2014)

One day, one moment, one minute at a time, my friend.  I think you know we are here for you no matter what.  You are not alone.


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## Vivjen (Feb 1, 2014)

Good morning. 
Thankyou so much for helping me get through yesterday; it can only get better from now on....ever onward and upward..


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## Diwundrin (Feb 1, 2014)

Onya Jen, know we care.    

So how's the head?


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## Vivjen (Feb 1, 2014)

Head is fine thanks; I am too old for hangovers, and I never mix.
didn't sleep very much, but that doesn't matter either.
look about 90..


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## Diwundrin (Feb 1, 2014)

Yeah I have a mirror like that too.


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## GDAD (Feb 1, 2014)

vivjen: Even god had a drink in times of woe.
           Sorry for your loss, perhaps these are 
           your hubbys footprjnts.


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## Katybug (Feb 1, 2014)

Vivjen said:


> Thankyou... You have all been so kind; one reason for joining.
> 
> It has been an awful day; tomorrow will be better, I hope. After all, I have been here before; it is just that every year I think it will be easier, and it isn't.
> When will I learn....



And next year perhaps you can make plans to be in another location, anywhere...as I think that will ease the burden tremendously.  You know it's coming so you should take charge of it instead of letting it take charge of you.  Go somewhere, anywhere.  You mentioned money is not a factor, so treat yourself to a get away.

There is nothing like a change of beautiful scenery and warm weather to lift your spirits. (especially with the weather being what it is there, and that's not apt to ever change during winter.)  I suspect you stay in too much on a regular basis.  That gets to me every time and the reason I went back to work.  I simply can't deal with it living alone.  Make every effort to get out and about as often as you can, force yourself to get involved in some things allowing you to interact with others, perhaps volunteering, and you'll be surprised how much better you feel.  Good luck, dear Vivjen, life really throws us some curve balls at times, but this needs to be the year that you take control of the situation and not allow yourself to get to this point again next year.  We're all rooting for you.


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## Vivjen (Feb 1, 2014)

You are so right Katybug, and I should do that.

This Year's plans haven't been made yet, so I can adapt them to whatever I wish.

I have joined Friendship Club, but it has not proved very successful, so will have to find something else.

I will keep looking...


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## Katybug (Feb 1, 2014)

Vivjen said:


> You are so right Katybug, and I should do that.
> 
> This Year's plans haven't been made yet, so I can adapt them to whatever I wish.
> 
> ...




Good for you!  Sometimes you may have to make yourself do things, I do, but you know how much better you feel afterward.


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## That Guy (Feb 1, 2014)

Vivjen said:


> I will keep looking...



It is in the journey and not the destination, after all . . .


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## Fern (Feb 1, 2014)

Good to hear you are feeling somewhat brighter, Vivjen.
 When my Dad died I was 21 years of age, and he had not long given me away at our wedding, I was looking forward to having a one on one adult relationship with him. I was devastated, to help me through it I thought of the good times, the things he would say to make me laugh, all the best bits, and it surely did help me through, his memory is just as strong.
Take care, thinking of you.


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## Rainee (Feb 2, 2014)

I have been reading up all these posts and agree with them all, I know the hardship  I lost a husband to cancer when I was 23 now that was a while ago but I still remember his birthday which was valentines day.. also our anniversary was August .. never a year goes by with out remembering but after he died I had such a bad time as I already had one child and another born 3 months after he died.. was the hardest time of my life.. I already mentioned this before on this forum I thought of the good times .. and remember the poem a nurse sent me in the hospital when she knew he wasn`t going to make it .. I read this poem and it made me feel so much better , it goes like this.
.
After the clouds, the sunshine , after the winter the spring.. after the shower the rainbow. for life is a changeable thing, 
After the night the morning, bidding all darkness cease , after life`s cares and sorrows, the comfort and sweetness of peace.. 

remember also those we love remain with us for love itself lives on , and cherished memories never fade because a loved one`s gone, 
Those we love can never be more than a thought apart, For as long as there is a memory, they live on in our heart.. 


Vivjen .. cherish those memories.. you will get over it in time.. and think of all the lovely times you had.. time heals.. have you any children , or family you can share your thoughts with .. I am with you in thoughts Vivjen too and hopefully you will go on to do great things and as Fern says and you say you are doing , take up genealogy I did.. and also you can fill your time in transcribing the records that is very rewarding.. and very fullfilling.. I have done 5 parishes in Cornwall all the old records births, marriages and deaths from the old original parish records.. has filled the void in my life as I feel useful again.. then as I said I remarried later on and my husband had 2 boys from his previous marriage so we had yours , mine and then one between us .. which was ours.. hasn`t been all rosey but we have managed , had ups and downs.. but still together after all these years.. so for you time will heal and you talking to each of us here will be so helpful for you as all have been through trials of some kind and are still going through them.. love n hugs Vivjen.. things can only get better for you ..


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## Vivjen (Feb 2, 2014)

Thanks to all.

Compared with most of you, my life has been relatively comfortable and easy; which maybe ought to feel guilty, and loading my misery upon you.

However, if I didn't talk about it, I think I would implode...and I don't want to use alcohol as a crutch; that would be too easy.

Today, the sun is shining; again; I went out last night to reminisce with a guy I have known since college; who knew Viv as well, which helped.

Ever onward and upward, and I now have the strength to look forward...to March anyway.


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## Old Hipster (Feb 2, 2014)

Fern said:


> Good to hear you are feeling somewhat brighter, Vivjen.
> When my Dad died I was 21 years of age, and he had not long given me away at our wedding, I was looking forward to having a one on one adult relationship with him. I was devastated, to help me through it I thought of the good times, the things he would say to make me laugh, all the best bits, and it surely did help me through, his memory is just as strong.
> Take care, thinking of you.


I was 19 when my dad died. And that is what I think about, what I miss the most was something I never had, to be able to be an adult and know him as an adult person, and not just as my Dad. 

Vivjen, I am glad you shared your pain with us, we can all relate in some way. I don't know what I'd do if my husband died before me.


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## poetry360 (Feb 2, 2014)

Youtube, calming sea sounds?

http://poetry360.wordpress.com


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## Vivjen (Feb 3, 2014)

I am going to put one more post on here.....bore bore..
thanks to all for your support and constructive thoughts.
i know this is selfish, but since my bad day on Friday, and my rant; and the messages back, I have been sleeping better, feeling better, and can look forward a little...
so, for me, it really has been worth your patience and forbearing.

Now, back to normal cynical life..


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## Rainee (Feb 3, 2014)

There you go Vivjen.. your feeling better already hugs ..After sharing your problem , you feel relaxed and ready to go on.. Sharing is the best pill to relieve tension.I am very much a believer in the statement that a problem shared is a problem solved or halved as some say.. because when we share a problem , we can analyze the problem , we feel relaxed and may find some helpful suggestion to solve the problem or ways to elimit the pain .. thank you for trusting us all in sharing and hopefully we have helped in some ways.. Always share a problem never bottle it up.


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## Katybug (Feb 3, 2014)

Vivjen said:


> I am going to put one more post on here.....bore bore..
> thanks to all for your support and constructive thoughts.
> i know this is selfish, but since my bad day on Friday, and my rant; and the messages back, I have been sleeping better, feeling better, and can look forward a little...
> so, for me, it really has been worth your patience and forbearing.
> ...




Getting it out is good therapy!  So glad you're feeling better, great news!


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## That Guy (Feb 3, 2014)

Not selfish at all, Vivjen.  We're honored you come to us for support and I'm glad it helped.


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## nan (Feb 3, 2014)

Sorry to read of your sad day, but glad to see you are feeling much better  now Vivjen, big hug to you.


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## That Guy (Feb 4, 2014)

Oh, yeah, something I wanted to add in the beginning.  You know, of course, that there is no help at the bottom of a bottle.  Come here and spend some time with us instead of reaching for a drink.


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## Vivjen (Feb 4, 2014)

So right TG, I really don't use it too much; just occasionally; then I will admit it!


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