# How much did you let cruel words affect you?



## Bretrick (Oct 31, 2021)

Have you ever been on the receiving end of someones hate filled tirade?
How did it make you feel? Did you respond in kind? Or were you able to ignore it and not let it affect you for the rest of the day/week?
Words can hurt us deep down and have a long lasting effect. Especially if one is young and their mind is still developing.
Early childhood experiences stay with us for a lifetime. And can have an extremely detrimental affect on one's self esteem and outlook on life.
My childhood was abhorrent and those experiences still surface every now and then.
The difference these days is that I know how to react to them so they do not have the debilitating effect that they did when I was a teenager.
I changed the wording to the ditty, "Sticks and Stones may break my bones" and ended it with, " But words will surely kill me"
I remember in school, year 10, the teacher asked us how we would like to be remembered.
She asked us to write our epithet for our gravestone.
Instantly this is what I wrote,
" Brett, Died of a Broken Heart"
Her reaction to me was, " That is inappropriate Brett" She never asked why I had written those words.
I got used to the beating from peers and family. 
Bruises heal, Mental torture can last a lifetime and lead to early termination to stop the pain of the heart.
I was an "A" Student all through my school years, up until year 10 when the things happening at home forced my mind to shut down. For most of the year I stared out the window. That year's grades were abysmal. From A's, A plus, B plus, to D, F and C'S.
No one asked me what was going on?
Words can kill just as effectively as a sharp knife.


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## hollydolly (Oct 31, 2021)

Yes words can hurt more deeply than any physical attack, but only if you care about the person who said them to you.. For me a stranger attacking me verbally isn't hurtful at all,  I just feel that they've lost control of their argument ..  and here on the internet, I'm very quick to put someone on ignore who are verbally abusive, I wish we could do it with some in real life...


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## Bretrick (Oct 31, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> Yes words can hurt more deeply than any physical attack, but only if you care aboutthe person who said them to you.. For me a stranger attackingme verbally isn't hurtful at all,  I just feel that they've lost control of their argument ..  andhere on the internet, I'm very quick to put someone on ignore who are verbally abusive, I wish we could do it with some in real life...


These days I have built in resilience and no one can verbally hurt me.
I know the power of the word and as recently as a few years ago I was able to use words, without using vitriol, to put that person in their place.
I no longer allow myself to be in those situations, for the most part, but if someone tried to laud it over me I would defend myself, making sure they never had the last word.


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## horseless carriage (Oct 31, 2021)

Bretrick said:


> Have you ever been on the receiving end of someones hate filled tirade?
> How did it make you feel? Did you respond in kind? Or were you able to ignore it and not let it affect you for the rest of the day/week?
> Words can hurt us deep down and have a long lasting effect. Especially if one is young and their mind is still developing.
> Early childhood experiences stay with us for a lifetime. And can have an extremely detrimental affect on one's self esteem and outlook on life.
> ...


That is truly a heartfelt post, sometimes sharing such an experience can be cathartic, providing you don't have a detractor in your reading audience. By that I mean someone who doesn't understand, someone who might suggest, pull yourself together is all that it takes. Words work both ways, they can lift your spirit when used in praise and they can sear through like a knife when used as a hurtful critique. 
We had a wonderful, outgoing sort of lady here on this forum, whom I hope, looks on from time to time, just as a lurker. She was known as Aunt Marg. It was the written word that caused her to leave, for Marg it was probably the right thing to do but we still miss her fun and humour.
Bretrick, I'm certainly no therapist, but you seem to be in charge of your destiny, keep it that way and ignore the detractors. Your post could possibly encourage others, in doing so, it will no small effort on your part.


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## Bretrick (Oct 31, 2021)

horseless carriage said:


> That is truly a heartfelt post, sometimes sharing such an experience can be cathartic, providing you don't have a detractor in your reading audience. By that I mean someone who doesn't understand, someone who might suggest, pull yourself together is all that it takes. Words work both ways, they can lift your spirit when used in praise and they can sear through like a knife when used as a hurtful critique.
> We had a wonderful, outgoing sort of lady here on this forum, whom I hope, looks on from time to time, just as a lurker. She was known as Aunt Marg. It was the written word that caused her to leave, for Marg it was probably the right thing to do but we still miss her fun and humour.
> Bretrick, I'm certainly no therapist, but you seem to be in charge of your destiny, keep it that way and ignore the detractors. Your post could possibly encourage others, in doing so, it will no small effort on your part.


Thank you.
These days I have resilience and no matter what anyone was to say to me I can shrug it off.
My reason for posting these memories/experiences is to allow people who have had similar events happen to them to understand that we can take control of our lives. No one can denigrate us unless we allow it.


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## Shero (Oct 31, 2021)

Bretrick, may I remind you when you arrive here you were welcomed with open arms. You then insulted many members by your reference to their grammar. You did not stop to think how that may have affected those who are having problems with sight, non, non, you did not stop to think those people may suffer from arthritis and just getting somethng written is a feat for them. Most of the people on this forum are very intelligent and educated, did you stop to think of your words before writing them? Unthinking language is a two way street! I am not impressed!


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## Bretrick (Oct 31, 2021)

My post about grammar was a generalisation of society.
At no time was I insulting members here.

As a Pedant I am easily riled by those in the community who have no idea about the correct use of Apostrophes.

I write from the heart and share my experiences, showing that past experiences can make one stronger and resilient.
As mentioned previously, my aim is not to denigrate anyone.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 31, 2021)

Hmm, words can be as sharp as arrows.

In June, my husband, a very difficult emotionally abusive mentally ill person, used some words to me, that finally ended our marriage.  We still live together.  We still function as a couple when necessary.  But, the marriage is dead.  Finally killed by his words and deeds.

I think one of the reasons @Bretrick you are less affected by people’s words might be because you don’t let any one get close enough to really matter enough to you for their words to be crushing.  I sometimes wish I had developed this defense mechanism as a child.

But, I always hoped things would change.  Hoped my parents would become decent human beings.  Hoped others in my life would become decent human beings.  Hope springs eternal.  Hope, in my experiences, always failed.  But, I have always been a hopeful person.  Now I simply hope for a short life span.  75 is old enough.

However, as I look back over my 75 years of life, I realize the words still ring true “it’s better to have loved and lost, than never have loved at all”.  I’ve loved a lot.  I’ve lost a lot.  But I am, in many ways, glad I still care enough to be hurt by the words of people who matter to me.
I remain a hopeful person.

Otherwise, I would just be a lost soul in a world filled with the emptiness of my regrets.


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## Bretrick (Oct 31, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Hmm, words can be as sharp as arrows.
> 
> In June, my husband, a very difficult emotionally abusive mentally ill person, used some words to me, that finally ended our marriage.  We still live together.  We still function as a couple when necessary.  But, the marriage is dead.  Finally killed by his words and deeds.
> 
> ...


Your words are true. I have not allowed, nor do I allow people to get close to me. So I am shielded from hurtful words.
Many people do not have that wall up and as a result are negatively affected by spiteful words. 
It does sadden me a little that I have never loved but that is my lot in live and I have come to terms with that.


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## Alligatorob (Oct 31, 2021)

Bretrick said:


> Have you ever been on the receiving end of someones hate filled tirade?


Sure, haven't we all?


Bretrick said:


> How much did you let cruel words affect you?


I try not to, have to remember that the problem is with the person saying them, not the target.  I believe the best response is usually silence, or a simple "ok".  Or maybe changing the subject and talking about something else...

However I am not always successful.


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## Alligatorob (Oct 31, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I simply hope for a short life span. 75 is old enough.


I hope not!


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## StarSong (Oct 31, 2021)

Bretrick said:


> Have you ever been on the receiving end of someones hate filled tirade?


Rarely, but I've mostly been able to dismiss those words.  I've dealt with other sorts of betrayals that haven't been so easily disregarded.    

Time does heal most wounds though - or at least scars them over so they're no longer excruciatingly painful.


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## SmoothSeas (Oct 31, 2021)

How much did you let cruel words affect you?​
  They don't 'cause I refuse to let them.

That's my choice and I'm sticking to it.

Trauma and drama are antithetical to my peace of mind...


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## charry (Oct 31, 2021)

Never.!!.......they only come from the mouths of Pathetic People


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## feywon (Oct 31, 2021)

Like @hollydolly i have to at least have some personal respect for someone to even consider letting any unpleasant words they direct at me bother me.  Those closest to me, my children, 2 surviving siblings and very small group of friends can but rarely do say anything that 'hurts' me, because we can talk civilly even when our opinions differ.  And if they offer a criticism i've found it helpful to consider their input. 

On the social media i've been known to laugh at people (usually men) that actually made threats against me due to our differing socio-political positions. i sometimes tell them that "i have physically risked my life to be consistent with my values, i've looked into hate-filled eyes calling me names as their hands constrict into fists, and you think some random fool on the internet can intimidate me? Not likely!"


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## Wren (Oct 31, 2021)

Never, the people I care about wouldn’t be cruel anybody else wouldn’t matter one iota


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## win231 (Oct 31, 2021)

Bretrick said:


> My post about grammar was a generalisation of society.
> At no time was I insulting members here.
> 
> As a Pedant I am easily riled by those in the community who have no idea about the correct use of Apostrophes.
> ...


Remember - sometimes you can denigrate people unintentionally.


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## RadishRose (Oct 31, 2021)

Bretrick said:


> making sure they never had the last word.


Why is having the last word so important?


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## Lawrence (Oct 31, 2021)

Cruel words make me angry but I realize that verbal abuse is a form stress relief for the person who is the abuser. If I am really upset with the person who treated me bad I will cast a spell or put a curse on him. I have my Voodoo dolls that protect me from such people. I will reverse the bad joo joo and send it back to the person and then draw good energy out of him for my own use and also send my bad energy to that person. It has amazed me how well this works at times when I see the person having bad things happening to him then I might remove the curse.


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## Judycat (Oct 31, 2021)

No one is required to give relevance to everything everyone says. Certain awful people can say some really hurtful things though. A campaign of ongoing harassment is a different matter. People doing that need to be brought before a judge.


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## Llynn (Oct 31, 2021)

I don't.


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## feywon (Oct 31, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> Why is having the last word so important?


Because  many people chalk that up as 'winning'. 

Personally, i don't think in those terms. I prefer discussions where people come to understand,  respect each other better.  But i am fine letting some fool think they 'won' because they got in the last verbal jab even if they make it when i've said i'm done with the discussion.  If they really ticked me off i might mention i'm done because i realized discussing whatever with *them* is worth neither my time or energy, because it is unproductive.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 31, 2021)

feywon said:


> Because  many people chalk that up as 'winning'.
> 
> Personally, i don't think in those terms. I prefer discussions where people come to understand,  respect each other better.  But i am fine letting some fool think they 'won' because they got in the last verbal jab even if they make it when i've said i'm done with the discussion.  If they really ticked me off i might mention i'm done because i realized discussing whatever with *them* is worth neither my time or energy, because it is unproductive.


Or, it could be someone takes the last word cause, you know, they always have something to say.


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## feywon (Oct 31, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Or, it could be someone takes the last word cause, you know, they always have something to say.


There's a difference between always having something to say and  always needing to exert some imagined dominence by not letting someone else have the last word in a contentious context. I can ramble on a long time about subjects that interest and amuse me, but will only expend a limited amount of energy on unproductive disputes.


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## RadishRose (Oct 31, 2021)

feywon said:


> Because many people chalk that up as 'winning'.


But isn't that the behavior of a child?

That's my opinion anyway. It's on par with: "Ma-aa, he started it!"
(sob, sniff, stomp)


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## feywon (Oct 31, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> But isn't that the behavior of a child?
> 
> That's my opinion anyway. It's on par with: "Ma-aa, he started it!"
> (sob, sniff, stomp)


Oh i agree.  My Dad taught that disputing endlessly without any resolution, compromise, learning by anyone is pointless waste of energy. That's why i frequently remove myself from those discussions.

One of my sisters delighted in telling how our Dad ended a disagreement with her husband without uttering another word. The argument? My BIL insisted karate was a sham, a con.  They happened to be on a dock and Dad was doing some work on his boat. Dad took a piece of lumber,  rested it across  two supports called BIL's name and did a swift strike with edge of hand breaking the board. BIL blanched, gulped and shut up about it.


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## Gary O' (Oct 31, 2021)

How much did you let cruel words affect you?​
None

But those sticks and stones can be a bitch


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## WheatenLover (Oct 31, 2021)

If the cruel words are due to severe, untreated mental illness, the words don't bother me. Being unable to convince the person that what s/he is saying about me is not true is frustrating. Now I just move on, realizing that these are delusions.

If the cruel words were said by mother, that used to bother me a lot. She frequently said, "I know you better than you know yourself". Trouble was she made it all up in her head, and never believed me. To make sure it didn't happen with my kids, I taught them that no one knows them better than they know themselves; it is impossible.


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## jerry old (Nov 1, 2021)

Shero said:


> ...problems with sight, non, non, you did not stop to think those people may suffer from arthritis and just getting somethng written is a feat for them.


Bless your heart, I cannot find the following items on keyboard, nor see them? , ,' ;() and others.  If I could just type, no capital letters, no
punctuation i would be happppppppppy.


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## Lara (Nov 1, 2021)

I must first respect someone before their words can hurt me. I'll admit that I can feel hurt at times...very hurt in fact, but doesn't last long because I have so much love and healing around me that just pours in at those times. You have it too. 

My faith, my sweet children, my loyal dogs so quick to forgive, a few people I seek out at those times who make me smile and even laugh in no time...some of them online here, and God's beautiful creation all around me...all are so supportive to a point that I feel it's all that really matters. And the hurtful words fade into the distance. They just don't matter in the BIG picture.

And then I get teary eyed with grateful tears. It happens now more than ever for some reason. Age? My will to use all my senses to really see and listen for the goodness? It's always there. Sometimes we have to look a little harder...but the beauty and goodness is there for us all.


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## Lara (Nov 1, 2021)

...but when someone I respect hurts me then it's probably my fault...and that's what hurts the most. I never want to disappoint those I respect...or anyone for that matter.

After I apologize, and all my thoughtful words have been nicely said, it still can't be erased once it's out there and that makes it hard to forgive myself. Hurting then lingers in that case...if it weren't for something that is best described in these lyrics from a song by Amy Grant:

*All I Ever Have To Be*
When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head
And the thoughtful words of help and hope
Have all been nicely said
But I'm still hurting, wondering if I'll ever be the one
I think I am
I think I am.
Then you gently re-remind me
That You've made me from the first
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.
And I realize the good in me
Is only there because of who You are
Who You are.
*And all I ever have to be is what*
*You've made me
Any more or less would be a step out of Your plan
As you daily recreate me help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do what I can find
And all I ever have to be is what You've made me*


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## Shero (Nov 1, 2021)

jerry old said:


> Bless your heart, I cannot find the following items on keyboard, nor see them? , ,' ;() and others.  If I could just type, no capital letters, no
> punctuation i would be happppppppppy.



I would much prefer your company on the forum Jerry, than to bother with a few commas


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## Aneeda72 (Nov 1, 2021)

feywon said:


> There's a difference between always having something to say and  always needing to exert some imagined dominence by not letting someone else have the last word in a contentious context. I can ramble on a long time about subjects that interest and amuse me, but will only expend a limited amount of energy on unproductive disputes.


Well, my time at this phase of my life seems to be unlimited.  . I wish writing used unlimited energy.  I would lose weight.  I frequently like what you write.  Your education shows.  You have learned to write “with authority“.  I’ve never seen you ramble.

The problem is people who write, or speak, with authority are, in my experience, dangerous people.  Such people are more often believed, when they should not be.  As for the statement of not spending “energy on unproductive disputes”, what that really says, to me, is you are not willing to spend time with certain people as your time is more valuable than their time.  To me, it indicates a certain level of arrogance, which you might be entitled to, how would I know?  I wouldn’t.

But I don’t want to engage with you.  I do not have the education level necessary to do so or the willingness.  Besides I do like you.  I like most people.  I waste energy on some unproductive disputes and give up on others.  Either way, it’s all good.


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## Aneeda72 (Nov 1, 2021)

feywon said:


> Oh i agree.  My Dad taught that disputing endlessly without any resolution, compromise, learning by anyone is pointless waste of energy. That's why i frequently remove myself from those discussions.
> 
> One of my sisters delighted in telling how our Dad ended a disagreement with her husband without uttering another word. The argument? My BIL insisted karate was a sham, a con.  They happened to be on a dock and Dad was doing some work on his boat. Dad took a piece of lumber,  rested it across  two supports called BIL's name and did a swift strike with edge of hand breaking the board. BIL blanched, gulped and shut up about it.


My parents often ended conversations with a slap across my face.  On one such occasion my mother broke my nose.  While it is true I would have rather she turned to a piece of lumber and broke it, she broke my nose instead.

I am not impressed that your dad ended a disagreement in the manner you mentioned or that your sister’s husband was intimidated by his action.  I am surprised that you seem proud of it.  Ive been that piece of lumber.  Your dad’s action were the actions of a bully.


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## feywon (Nov 1, 2021)

@ Aneeda72 said
"The problem is people who write, or speak, with authority are, in my experience, dangerous people. Such people are more often believed, when they should not be. As for the statement of not spending “energy on unproductive disputes”, what that really says, to me, is you are* not willing to spend time with certain people as your time is more valuable than their time. To me, it indicates a certain level of arrogance, which you might be entitled to,* how would I know? I wouldn’t."

i'm sorry you feel that way. Tho now knowing the little of your history you shared i can see how you would feel that way.
Arrogance? It is not a matter of not willing to spend time or* energy* with 'certain people' but rather not willing to spend time on certain behaviors, discussions.  Ones that will only frustrate and upset the other person as well as myself because when it is clear we have a stalemate why continue? As for entitlement--i to think/feel *we are all 'entitled',* have a right, to choose how and with whom we spend our energy on, or engaging with. i suspect there are people on every platform i've every been on who think i'm not 'worth' their time/energy and that's ok--i've never been everyone's cup of tea.
There are people on this forum whose way of talking to others is much more confrontational and brusque than i generally am some of them i mostly avoid, some i engage with in some contexts. We agree on some things and disagree on others. That's the way it is life. We all have experiences that shape how we react.
BTW while i did get a college degree late in life (age 48) people often assumed i already had one because like my Dad who only had an 8th grade education i read extensively, have a good memory and synthesize my own ideas from and about the things i read.

@Aneeda72 also said
"I am not impressed that your dad ended a disagreement in the manner you mentioned or that your sister’s husband was intimidated by his action. I am surprised that you seem proud of it. *I've been that piece of lumber. Your dad’s action were the actions of a bully."*

The first sentence in bold is why you drew the conclusion of the second.  But Dad did not do it to 'intimidate BIL' (Who by the way was a WWII army vet and close Dad's age than my sister's) And you never considered HE may been being overtly hostile, seeing how far he could push (this was his nature, tho you have no way of telling from my story i guess i should have thrown in more detail).  Dad did it because the simplest way to support his own view was to *demonstrate* that one could indeed break boards with little preparation using physics principles.  When something is telling you physical action is 'impossible' isn't the easiest way to make your case to demonstrate that it can indeed be done?  

Again i'm sorry my words upset you and called up awful memories for you. i like you too.
i am glad that tho you said you didn't want to 'engage' me, i'm thinking you meant get into lengthy discussion over your statements to me, that you spoke your heart about them. Ironically by calling me out about your perception of and reaction to those posts but stating you don't want to 'engage' you are exercising your right to choose how involved you get in any point of contention with someone else. 

This is extra lengthy because i won't address you about these two things again unless you choose to address them, out of respect for wishes. i reserve the right to talk about them with anyone else who has anything to say about them.


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## Ruthanne (Nov 1, 2021)

In the past they have hurt me quite a bit but I learned something I've been applying.  Just because (So and So) says it doesn't make it so!  Or Just because (fill in the blank) says it doesn't make it true!  It helps me to do that now.  It's about becoming more resilient.


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## bingo (Nov 1, 2021)

I would've  answered  this post...but....my goodness  ...whatta mess!...


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## Gaer (Nov 1, 2021)

People on this forum have called me horrible names, goaded me, written things to hurt or undermine my character.  I look at them as if I were looking at a hurt puppy, feel sadness for them because they generally have terrible inside hurts which cause them to lash out at anyone.  I can't help them or erase the things that made them be like this.  I just feel sad for them.


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## Aneeda72 (Nov 1, 2021)

feywon said:


> @ Aneeda72 said
> "The problem is people who write, or speak, with authority are, in my experience, dangerous people. Such people are more often believed, when they should not be. As for the statement of not spending “energy on unproductive disputes”, what that really says, to me, is you are* not willing to spend time with certain people as your time is more valuable than their time. To me, it indicates a certain level of arrogance, which you might be entitled to,* how would I know? I wouldn’t."
> 
> i'm sorry you feel that way. Tho now knowing the little of your history you shared i can see how you would feel that way.
> ...


I said I did not want to engage with you because I agreed, thought that was obvious, I am not in your league of education, or writing ability; therefore, it is almost pointless for me to try and press a point without an equal “playing” ground.

I don’t think I said anything about entitlement.  I would doubt anyone on any platform would find you not worth their time.  Again, the sounds like, hmm, deflection.  It’s probably not the right word but it’s the word that comes to my mind or self depreciation.  I have found some things you say to be confrontational and brusque.  But I have no objections to those methods.

I did not make any guess as to when you received a college education, just noting that you have one higher than mine, probably much higher .  Also, I think you give much more thought to what you write than I do.  Yup, I am a fan of yours for sure.  . Wish I had your skills, yes, yes I do.

However, since you are not your dad, you have no ideal of his true motive or feelings behind his actions.  His action (your dads) were aggressive and the BIL (?) reacted as if it was by your own statements.  I do not know your dads true motive or feelings; but I go by if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck-it’s probably a duck.  I think, at that point in time, he was a bully.

But I can not convince you he was, and you can not convince me he was not.  So a discussion about our opinions over this is a non starter, thus no reason to engage.  But, hey, if you want to I am good to go.  I have a lot of experience with male bullies, a huge amount of experience.  The college of hard knocks so to speak.  I have a master“s degree in bullies, male and female.

I agree.  You can talk about this as much as you want to whoever you want.  I never said you could not or should not.  But, to me, the fact that you brought up it up, suggested that I said something I did not, is part of that speaking ”with authority”, and a touch of arrogance.


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## Aneeda72 (Nov 1, 2021)

Gaer said:


> People on this forum ( and one lady on this thread) have called me horrible names, goaded me, written things to hurt or undermine my character.  I look at them as if I were looking at a hurt puppy, feel sadness for them because they generally have terrible inside hurts which cause them to lash out at anyone.  I can't help them or erase the things that made them be like this.  I just feel sad for them.


Well, you might be talking about me or not.  But since I am on this thread, I’ll assume it’s me you refer to: as will many others.  

I rarely reply to your threads or what you say.  There are a few people on SF that I try to never reply to.  I did ask, in the past, how you know your angles are angles and not demons.  You did not answer.  I think you considered that “gloating” you at the time.  I considered it to be a valid question.  I would still like an answer.

I don’t think I ever called you “horrible“ names, or have written anything to hurt or undermine your character.  If I did, I would like to see the posts.  I have never sent you a PM.

People are not puppies.

To compare a person to a dog or a puppy is insulting and degrading.  People do not need anyone’s else’s sadness, they have enough of their own.   People need understanding, compassion, empathy, and respect especially when triggered by a familiar descriptive aggressive incidence.

@fewdon realized that she had triggered a memory.  She responded appropriately, and I appreciate her response.  I have seen a lot of things in my life, as have many on the forum.  When you post, you never can be sure what the response will be, as in real life.


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## feywon (Nov 1, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I said I did not want to engage with you because I agreed, thought that was obvious, I am not in your league of education, or writing ability; therefore, it is almost pointless for me to try and press a point without an equal “playing” ground.
> 
> I don’t think I said anything about entitlement.  I would doubt anyone on any platform would find you not worth their time.  Again, the sounds like, hmm, deflection.  It’s probably not the right word but it’s the word that comes to my mind or self depreciation.  I have found some things you say to be confrontational and brusque.  But I have no objections to those methods.
> 
> ...


Entitlement, you said:  "*To me, it indicates a certain level of arrogance, which you might be entitled to,"*

i generally reread things i'm 'debating' to be sure i read correctly, i also have a tendency to 'overthink' at times and forget that not everyone means what they say and says what they mean. 

Will not argue with about my Dad and BIL incident--you did NOT know either of them , i did. 

As for your last paragraph it was a pre-emptive clarifying statement. Because it occurred to me that you might be upset if someone else engaged me about it and i responded to their statements. Tho the only way i would have mentioned you is to say that while i'll discuss the points you bring up with most anyone, i will NOT discuss you with them, that's between you and me.


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## Aunt Bea (Nov 1, 2021)

They hurt when they’re true.


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## feywon (Nov 1, 2021)

Aunt Bea said:


> They hurt when they’re true.


One could wonder if you are suggesting that only true statements hurt?  
For me i'd say they hurt when someone you respect, admire, thought you had a good relationship with says them whether true or not, but perhaps more if true.


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## Aneeda72 (Nov 1, 2021)

feywon said:


> Entitlement, you said:  "*To me, it indicates a certain level of arrogance, which you might be entitled to,"*
> 
> i generally reread things i'm 'debating' to be sure i read correctly, i also have a tendency to 'overthink' at times and forget that not everyone means what they say and says what they mean.
> 
> ...


Well, I misread the way you used entitlement, so I stand corrected.  I did use the word.  I concede the point to you.

You did not complete my sentence which included I might not know whether there was entitlement or not or something to that effect.  Feel free to be more precise.  I am not a precise person.

Yes, I do not know you, I do not know your father.  I only know my father.  And when my father made a fist and put a hole in the wall, I knew it was time to disappear or the next hole would be in me.  Seems your BIL knew the same thing.

I do know only what you wrote and you wrote your BIL was or seemed imtimidated, you can copy what you wrote here if you want to.  But this is why I did not want to engage on this subject with you.  .  As you said before, why waste your energy on this?

You can discuss me if you like with the world of SF.  @win231 says I want the attention.  I did LOVE the birthday greetings.  Hmm, “a pre-emptive clarifying statement”.   who knew I was capable of such a thing?  See, that’s how I knew you had more education than me.  It shows.  .


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## Jules (Nov 1, 2021)

Words don’t have to be true to hurt.  It hurts that someone feels that way about you.  

Some people just seem to be nasty for the sake of hurting others.  I’m speaking generally, not about SF.


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## Irwin (Nov 1, 2021)

Jules said:


> *Words don’t have to be true to hurt.  It hurts that someone feels that way about you. *
> 
> Some people just seem to be nasty for the sake of hurting others.  I’m speaking generally, not about SF.


That's true, especially when someone whose opinion you value thinks bad things about you that aren't true. That hurts like hell.


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## oldpop (Nov 2, 2021)

I would love to say that words said in anger cannot hurt me but I cannot say that and be truthful. I would never let the one slinging the words know how deep felt the words might be but I hear them and remember what was said. Someone very wise told me that my tongue is a two edge sword. That words cut two ways. I find that true.

I try very hard not to get caught up in a word slinging contest because when I let loose I go for blood and when all is said and done I am the one who has to make amends. I am the one responsible for my words and behavior. If I do not make these amends I stand on the edge of an abyss that I fell into a long time ago. It took great pain, suffering and self analysis to crawl my way up and out of that abyss and I do not want to ever return there.

I have mentioned here before I want to keep growing as a more helpful and spiritual being. It is an everyday task. One tool I use is to l take time to go over the things I was called and accused of to see if they have any validity and not surprisingly some times they do. If it is a truth I have to own it and do the best I can to correct that defect in my character. That is how I turn a cruel word into a tool for growth. Kind of like I'll show them I will grow............


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## Gary O' (Nov 2, 2021)

oldpop said:


> I try very hard not to get caught up in a word slinging contest because when I let loose I go for blood and when all is said and done I am the one who has to make amends. I am the one responsible for my words and behavior. If I do not make these amends I stand on the edge of an abyss that I fell into a long time ago. It took great pain, suffering and self analysis to crawl my way up and out of that abyss and I do not want to ever return there.


@oldpop I so get that

Wrote something along those lines awhile back;


It’s so so very easy for me to mix it up
Growing up, it was fun
Youth has these challenges
I met most face on

It can follow one thru young adulthood
Boxing is no cure…thought it might be

A verbal skirmish is just a weak compromise
But it’s the same thing, really

Heh, even got paid to do that
Thought I got good at it
Pride is such a disguised enabler

Get old enough, you come to some determinations, some real values, seems

People, any, are of immeasurable value
Maybe they don’t even know it
Don’t matter
I know it

Sometimes I revert to my old ways
It disgusts me
I don’t hate myself for it
I just get sickened, low in spirit, then angry
Butchering wood helps
Then I swear, never again
When ‘again’ happens, I do more swearing, in earnest

I am very sorry to have brought myself so low to have verbally skirmished with anyone here
Nobody needs that, nobody, not in this day
There’s plenty of travail to circle the globe all by itself without my assistance
It's a form of perpetual motion
I really don't need to be a proponent of that pestilence


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## exwisehe (Nov 3, 2021)

That's why I left this forum.


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## Bretrick (Nov 3, 2021)

exwisehe said:


> That's why I left this forum.


Good that you have come back.
On another site I am on there is the ability to mute or block members so there is no interaction between them.
Not able to see their posts, nor them seeing my posts. Though I have never blocked or muted anyone.
If there is someone trying to bait me, or being nasty towards me I simply do not respond at all.
They eventually stop because they are not getting the reaction they expect.
I hope you stay here and enjoy your time here.
Ignore the detractors


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## Shero (Nov 3, 2021)

I never wallow in self-pity. But I am intrigued by the word "cruel" so I looked on the internet and these are the words to describe it :: atrocious, heartless, harsh, ruthless, inhuman, callous, cold-blooded, bitter, merciless, tyrannical, barbarous, vicious, evil, hateful, unkind, spiteful, brutal, painful, sadistic, wicked.

I see none of that on this forum, only  a few silly comments in covid threads where people have  a choice to venture in there or not.


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## Nathan (Nov 3, 2021)

Bretrick said:


> My post about grammar was a generalisation of society.
> At no time was I insulting members here.
> 
> *As a Pedant I am easily riled by those in the community who have no idea about the correct use of Apostrophes.*
> ...


Isn't that a rather judgemental and arrogant position to take?     You can shut me out or put me on ignore, I'm fine with that.  Just understand that the world does not revolve around your particular mindset.   Maybe someone who is _punctuation challenged_ nevertheless has something relevant to say.


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## StarSong (Nov 4, 2021)

Everyone has gifts and shortcomings.  All of us could be pedants in our own fields of expertise.


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## Aneeda72 (Nov 4, 2021)

Shero said:


> I never wallow in self-pity. But I am intrigued by the word "cruel" so I looked on the internet and these are the words to describe it :: atrocious, heartless, harsh, ruthless, inhuman, callous, cold-blooded, bitter, merciless, tyrannical, barbarous, vicious, evil, hateful, unkind, spiteful, brutal, painful, sadistic, wicked.
> 
> I see none of that on this forum, only  a few silly comments in covid threads where people have  a choice to venture in there or not.


I sometimes wallow, throw myself a self-pity party, nothing wrong in that and certainly a better alternative than the many other choices available in these troubled times.


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## Shero (Nov 4, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I sometimes wallow, throw myself a self-pity party, nothing wrong in that and certainly a better alternative than the many other choices available in these troubled times.


you are allowed lto "wallow" because you do have something to be sad about. I was merely mentioning silly things like "cruelty" on social media when we have the opportunity to remove ourseves from the offender by the click of a button


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## StarSong (Nov 4, 2021)

Shero said:


> you are allowed lto "wallow" because you do have something to be sad about. I was merely mentioning silly things like "cruelty" on social media when we have the opportunity to remove ourseves from the offender by the click of a button


Not everyone is able to dismiss hurtful words, even when they've been made by strangers on social media cyberspace.


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## Shero (Nov 4, 2021)

StarSong said:


> Not everyone is able to dismiss hurtful words, even when they've been made by strangers on social media cyberspace.


Okay, you are right. I should not let my own way of dealing with these things cloud my judgement.


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## officerripley (Nov 4, 2021)

Lawrence said:


> Cruel words make me angry but I realize that verbal abuse is a form stress relief for the person who is the abuser. If I am really upset with the person who treated me bad I will cast a spell or put a curse on him. I have my Voodoo dolls that protect me from such people. I will reverse the bad joo joo and send it back to the person and then draw good energy out of him for my own use and also send my bad energy to that person. It has amazed me how well this works at times when I see the person having bad things happening to him then I might remove the curse.


Is there an app for that? (Asking for a friend.)


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## grahamg (Nov 4, 2021)

Bretrick said:


> Thank you. These days I have resilience and no matter what anyone was to say to me I can shrug it off.
> My reason for posting these memories/experiences is to allow people who have had similar events happen to them to understand that we can take control of our lives. No one can denigrate us unless we allow it.


My father used to say: "You might as well shoot a man as worry him to death", (and there's much truth in those words isn't there).
We can of course, all "lead with our chin" as it were, going out on a limb over something, where others fear to tread, and should expect some flack even from well meaning people.


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## Sassycakes (Nov 5, 2021)

I had a good relationship with my neighbors for years. Then all of a sudden they started to ignore me. I found out another neighbor had told them a lie about me. . After that I just avoided them. Then I bought a home near my daughter who lived in the suburbs. I didn't even tell the neighbors I was moving. Now the only cruel words that affect me are if they come from a loved one. No one else's view of me means anything to me.


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## win231 (Nov 5, 2021)

Sassycakes said:


> I had a good relationship with my neighbors for years. Then all of a sudden they started to ignore me. I found out another neighbor had told them a lie about me. . After that I just avoided them. Then I bought a home near my daughter who lived in the suburbs. I didn't even tell the neighbors I was moving. Now the only cruel words that affect me are if they come from a loved one. No one else's view of me means anything to me.


I've learned that people who are willing to believe a lie about you aren't worth your continued friendship & it's no loss.
I've experienced that from a couple of family members (that I've been very generous to).  I'll have nothing to do with them; they're now dead to me.


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## StarSong (Nov 7, 2021)

Sassycakes said:


> I had a good relationship with my neighbors for years. Then all of a sudden they started to ignore me. I found out another neighbor had told them a lie about me. . After that I just avoided them. Then I bought a home near my daughter who lived in the suburbs. I didn't even tell the neighbors I was moving. Now the only cruel words that affect me are if they come from a loved one. No one else's view of me means anything to me.





win231 said:


> I've learned that people who are willing to believe a lie about you aren't worth your continued friendship & it's no loss.
> I've experienced that from a couple of family members (that I've been very generous to).  I'll have nothing to do with them; they're now dead to me.


If I found out that someone believed a lie about me I'd set the record straight rather than encouraging the story to spread by remaining silent.


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## win231 (Nov 7, 2021)

StarSong said:


> If I found out that someone believed a lie about me I'd set the record straight rather than encouraging the story to spread by remaining silent.


I did set the record straight first.  But, to a paranoid put-down artist, it doesn't help; such people believe what they want to believe; especially if they're on antidepressants, which he is.
It did teach me a valuable lesson about generosity.


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## Remy (Nov 11, 2021)

I'm so sorry @Bretrick . Believe me, I understand. My mother could be a good mother but when she flipped she was insane. Horrible verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. I was also bullied in school and my mother isolated me which I realize now is diabolical. The first time I watched Mommy Dearest on TV was the first time I looked at anything that resembled my own mother's behavior. I didn't know until I was in my 40's that my mother was a borderline personality disorder. A therapist told me.

When I read that they believe childhood abuse may rewire the brain it made so much sense. It's like I can't change it anymore than I can unlearn to read. 

I've had very little therapy. There is one YouTube channel I really like Patrick Teahan. He is a professional and an abused child himself. He really gets it.


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## Remy (Nov 11, 2021)

Sassycakes said:


> I had a good relationship with my neighbors for years. Then all of a sudden they started to ignore me. I found out another neighbor had told them a lie about me. . After that I just avoided them. Then I bought a home near my daughter who lived in the suburbs. I didn't even tell the neighbors I was moving. Now the only cruel words that affect me are if they come from a loved one. No one else's view of me means anything to me.


I'm so sorry! I had the same thing happen to me when I owned that house I had. Those neighbors of yours were pathetic to just believe something. Something wrong with them if they couldn't talk to you and think for themselves.


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## Irwin (Nov 11, 2021)

Sassycakes said:


> I had a good relationship with my neighbors for years. Then all of a sudden they started to ignore me. I found out another neighbor had told them a lie about me. . After that I just avoided them. Then I bought a home near my daughter who lived in the suburbs. I didn't even tell the neighbors I was moving. Now the only cruel words that affect me are if they come from a loved one. No one else's view of me means anything to me.


I have a neighbor who talks sh*t about me and now my neighbors won't talk to me, but I kind of like it that way. It takes the pressure off. I no longer have to pretend to like to socialize and engage in idle chit-chat. I just ignore everyone.


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## dseag2 (Nov 11, 2021)

Back to the topic, I let cruel words hurt me when I was a young child.  We moved when I was 8 years old to a state where I had no friends.  I was an overweight, effeminate child, and the local kids used to knock me off my bike and ask me if I was a boy or a girl.  I went steady with a girl whose friends told she broke up with me because I was a "sissy and a queer".  That hurt.

I eventually sucked it up, lost weight and became more masculine.  In the gay community I am probably considered a "sellout" but it helped me get through life.  Not something I am proud of in today's community where young gay youth are "out and proud", but it helped me survive. 

Words can never hurt me now.  I am a successful businessman who is married to my husband.  We celebrated 30 years together in September.  I am so much more than my ****** orientation.  Cruel words will never hurt me again.


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## Bretrick (Nov 11, 2021)

Remy said:


> I'm so sorry @Bretrick . Believe me, I understand. My mother could be a good mother but when she flipped she was insane. Horrible verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. I was also bullied in school and my mother isolated me which I realize now is diabolical. The first time I watched Mommy Dearest on TV was the first time I looked at anything that resembled my own mother's behavior. I didn't know until I was in my 40's that my mother was a borderline personality disorder. A therapist told me.
> 
> When I read that they believe childhood abuse may rewire the brain it made so much sense. It's like I can't change it anymore than I can unlearn to read.
> 
> I've had very little therapy. There is one YouTube channel I really like Patrick Teahan. He is a professional and an abused child himself. He really gets it.


Time does allow the experiences to lessen in their severity. We learn coping strategies and now I find my past, though it shaped me, no longer controls me.


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## Bretrick (Nov 11, 2021)

dseag2 said:


> Back to the topic, I let cruel words hurt me when I was a young child.  We moved when I was 8 years old to a state where I had no friends.  I was an overweight, effeminate child, and the local kids used to knock me off my bike and ask me if I was a boy or a girl.  I went steady with a girl whose friends told she broke up with me because I was a "sissy and a queer".  That hurt.
> 
> I eventually sucked it up, lost weight and became more masculine.  In the gay community I am probably considered a "sellout" but it helped me get through life.  Not something I am proud of in today's community where young gay youth are "out and proud", but it helped me survive.
> 
> Words can never hurt me now.  I am a successful businessman who is married to my husband.  We celebrated 30 years together in September.  I am so much more than my ****** orientation.  Cruel words will never hurt me again.


Society can be cruel. Life becomes so much more enjoyable when we decide no words will knock us down.
Gives us the freedom everyone desires.


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## Lara (Nov 12, 2021)

exwisehe said:


> That's why I left this forum.


@exwisehe ...Mean people are all around (online and in real life)...but so are kind people. Just look for the kind people and gravitate in that direction. There are always kind people.


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## Shalimar (Nov 12, 2021)

dseag2 said:


> Back to the topic, I let cruel words hurt me when I was a young child.  We moved when I was 8 years old to a state where I had no friends.  I was an overweight, effeminate child, and the local kids used to knock me off my bike and ask me if I was a boy or a girl.  I went steady with a girl whose friends told she broke up with me because I was a "sissy and a queer".  That hurt.
> 
> I eventually sucked it up, lost weight and became more masculine.  In the gay community I am probably considered a "sellout" but it helped me get through life.  Not something I am proud of in today's community where young gay youth are "out and proud", but it helped me survive.
> 
> Words can never hurt me now.  I am a successful businessman who is married to my husband.  We celebrated 30 years together in September.  I am so much more than my ****** orientation.  Cruel words will never hurt me again.


Who could realistically fault you for being a bit on the down low? Being “out and proud” could  have resulted in your being injured or killed. Congratulations on your thirty year anniversary.


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## Remy (Nov 12, 2021)

Lara said:


> @exwisehe ...Mean people are all around (online and in real life)...but so are kind people. Just look for the kind people and gravitate in that direction. There are always kind people.


This is very true. Have to remember that sometimes when one meets the meanies.


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## S. Mary Cole (Nov 13, 2021)

Bretrick said:


> Have you ever been on the receiving end of someones hate filled tirade?
> How did it make you feel? Did you respond in kind? Or were you able to ignore it and not let it affect you for the rest of the day/week?
> Words can hurt us deep down and have a long lasting effect. Especially if one is young and their mind is still developing.
> Early childhood experiences stay with us for a lifetime. And can have an extremely detrimental affect on one's self esteem and outlook on life.
> ...


Yes, absolutely I have been on the receiving end of an ugly tirade.  Unfortunately, it was my mother who was very verbally abusive.  I always thought when I grew up, I would let it go.  Here I am, 61 years old and I can still see and feel how she affected me.  Through working with a wonderful counselor (I wish I had started counseling sooner) I've begun to see why I react the way I do.  It's quite a journey.  I started counseling at age 57 when diagnosed with MS.  I have learned SO MUCH!


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## Bretrick (Nov 13, 2021)

S. Mary Cole said:


> Yes, absolutely I have been on the receiving end of an ugly tirade.  Unfortunately, it was my mother who was very verbally abusive.  I always thought when I grew up, I would let it go.  Here I am, 61 years old and I can still see and feel how she affected me.  Through working with a wonderful counselor (I wish I had started counseling sooner) I've begun to see why I react the way I do.  It's quite a journey.  I started counseling at age 57 when diagnosed with MS.  I have learned SO MUCH!


It is a shame that we do not seek councelling years earlier. Would free us up to get on with life not shackled by the past.


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## hollydolly (Nov 13, 2021)

Bretrick said:


> It is a shame that we do not seek councelling years earlier. Would free us up to get on with life not shackled by the past.


trouble is, finding a good councillor who doesn't charge the earth is almost impossible, and prevents people who are in the  greatest need from receiving the help they so desperately require


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## Bretrick (Nov 13, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> trouble is, finding a good councillor who doesn't charge the earth is almost impossible, and prevents people who are in the  greatest need from receiving the help they so desperately require


Agreed. I came across some bad councillors and it took me a couple of years to find one whom I considered adequate to the task of resurrecting me.


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## hollydolly (Nov 13, 2021)

Bretrick said:


> Agreed. I came across some bad councillors and it took me a couple of years to find one whom I considered adequate to the task of resurrecting me.


yep,  and you know this can cause it's own problems to people who are already very vulnerable


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## Bretrick (Nov 13, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> yep,  and you know this can cause it's own problems to people who are already very vulnerable


One of my councillors whom I walked away from  was jailed for 7 years for abusing young patients


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## caroln (Nov 13, 2021)

Gaer said:


> People on this forum have called me horrible names, goaded me, written things to hurt or undermine my character.  I look at them as if I were looking at a hurt puppy, feel sadness for them because they generally have terrible inside hurts which cause them to lash out at anyone.  I can't help them or erase the things that made them be like this.  I just feel sad for them.


Maybe I've missed a lot of posts, but from what I've read here, you've always seemed like a gentle soul.  Can't imagine why anyone would call you horrible names.


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## Colleen (Nov 13, 2021)

My son, who's 47, has called me a "loser" and a terrible mother. Does that count as cruel words? It broke my heart and I cried about it for a long time. I beat myself up good over it and for years that stayed in my head. It's still there but I don't dwell on it any more.


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## Bretrick (Nov 13, 2021)

Colleen said:


> My son, who's 47, has called me a "loser" and a terrible mother. Does that count as cruel words? It broke my heart and I cried about it for a long time. I beat myself up good over it and for years that stayed in my head. It's still there but I don't dwell on it any more.


Yes. those were cruel words for sure. I wonder if he regrets those cruel words?
Do you still have a relationship with your son?


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## palides2021 (Nov 13, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> trouble is, finding a good councillor who doesn't charge the earth is almost impossible, and prevents people who are in the  greatest need from receiving the help they so desperately require


I was thinking of gong into clinical psychology at one point in my life (among other careers) and sat in therapy sessions to see how it was done. I decided against that career because I realized how much sadness and distress I would be exposed to on a daily basis. I knew I wasn't strong enough because I could easily feel the patient's pain. I could not handle that stress. Years later, after my husband died, I went into therapy. This time for myself. The problem with that, is that the counselor kept dealing into my childhood as if that would help me heal, but instead it opened up so many issues that had been buried, so that I would have knots in my stomach just talking about it. After so many months of that, I realized that I knew more about myself than I needed to, and I felt relieved in letting go of the therapist! Go figure.


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## hollydolly (Nov 13, 2021)

palides2021 said:


> I was thinking of gong into clinical psychology at one point in my life (among other careers) and sat in therapy sessions to see how it was done. I decided against that career because I realized how much sadness and distress I would be exposed to on a daily basis. I knew I wasn't strong enough because I could easily feel the patient's pain. I could not handle that stress. Years later, after my husband died, I went into therapy. This time for myself. The problem with that, is that the counselor kept dealing into my childhood as if that would help me heal, but instead it opened up so many issues that had been buried, so that I would have knots in my stomach just talking about it. After so many months of that, I realized that I knew more about myself than I needed to, and I felt relieved in letting go of the therapist! Go figure.


OMG...I wont go into the reasons why, but I absolutely understand everything you've written here.. you're not alone in those thoughts...


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## Bretrick (Nov 13, 2021)

palides2021 said:


> I was thinking of gong into clinical psychology at one point in my life (among other careers) and sat in therapy sessions to see how it was done. I decided against that career because I realized how much sadness and distress I would be exposed to on a daily basis. I knew I wasn't strong enough because I could easily feel the patient's pain. I could not handle that stress. Years later, after my husband died, I went into therapy. This time for myself. The problem with that, is that the counselor kept dealing into my childhood as if that would help me heal, but instead it opened up so many issues that had been buried, so that I would have knots in my stomach just talking about it. After so many months of that, I realized that I knew more about myself than I needed to, and I felt relieved in letting go of the therapist! Go figure.


I saw several therapists over a few years. Some were no good for me, some were okay and one was what I needed.
It got to the stage where I was able to stop therapy because over all those sessions I finally knew who I was and why I was who I was.
My last therapy session I told my therapist that I was "Al  Therupped out" and can move forward with the knowledge that I was in fact a good person.
From that moment I was able to live my life how I wanted to. Not shackled tp my past.


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## Gaer (Nov 13, 2021)

palides2021 said:


> I was thinking of gong into clinical psychology at one point in my life (among other careers) and sat in therapy sessions to see how it was done. I decided against that career because I realized how much sadness and distress I would be exposed to on a daily basis. I knew I wasn't strong enough because I could easily feel the patient's pain. I could not handle that stress. Years later, after my husband died, I went into therapy. This time for myself. The problem with that, is that the counselor kept dealing into my childhood as if that would help me heal, but instead it opened up so many issues that had been buried, so that I would have knots in my stomach just talking about it. After so many months of that, I realized that I knew more about myself than I needed to, and I felt relieved in letting go of the therapist! Go figure.


When I was constantly bothered by memories of the horrific ways my first husband treated myself and my two children, i knew I had to get this out of my head!  I got on the computer and wrote out everything.  Stuck it in my file.  Telling my children was not an option as it would hurt them too much.  After I wrote these out and stuck them away, I had NO MORE recurring thoughts of him!     it worked like magic!
I had to handle my husband's death all alone.  But, I made it through!  Back to myself!
Sorry you had to go through all that!


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## Bretrick (Nov 13, 2021)

Gaer said:


> When I was constantly bothered by memories of the horrific ways my first husband treated myself and my two children, i knew I had to get this out of my head!  I got on the computer and wrote out everything.  Stuck it in my file.  Telling my children was not an option as it would hurt them too much.  After I wrote these out and stuck them away, I had NO MORE recurring thoughts of him!     it worked like magic!
> I had to handle my husband's death all alone.  But, I made it through!  Back to myself!
> Sorry you had to go through all that!


Writing down what ever is in the head is a great way to get it out.
Not writing, then the thoughts go around and around, compounding each time.
I used this method as a self help mechanism.
I would pick up a pen and write. Did not have to think about what to write, Just wrote down what ever came out.
I wrote until there was nothing more to write. Then I threw away what I had written, without reading it.
Reading what was on the paper would have put it back in my head.
Very effective means to get rid of all those negative thoughts.


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## palides2021 (Nov 13, 2021)

Bretrick said:


> Writing down what ever is in the head is a great way to get it out.
> Not writing, then the thoughts go around and around, compounding each time.
> I used this method as a self help mechanism.
> I would pick up a pen and write. Did not have to think about what to write, Just wrote down what ever came out.
> ...


This is good advice. I have done that in the way of poems. They have been a good release for me.


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## palides2021 (Nov 13, 2021)

Gaer said:


> When I was constantly bothered by memories of the horrific ways my first husband treated myself and my two children, i knew I had to get this out of my head!  I got on the computer and wrote out everything.  Stuck it in my file.  Telling my children was not an option as it would hurt them too much.  After I wrote these out and stuck them away, I had NO MORE recurring thoughts of him!     it worked like magic!
> I had to handle my husband's death all alone.  But, I made it through!  Back to myself!
> Sorry you had to go through all that!


Thanks for the advice and kind words! I'm in a much better place now, like you. I have used my poems and creative juices to help the healing process.


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## Colleen (Nov 14, 2021)

Bretrick said:


> Yes. those were cruel words for sure. I wonder if he regrets those cruel words?
> Do you still have a relationship with your son?


No. I totally severed the umbilical cord a year ago. There were other hurtful things he said to me also, but I won't go into it here. Let's just say, they were uncalled for and I didn't deserve to be disrespected. I'm 75 and time is too short to waste on him.


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## dseag2 (Nov 14, 2021)

Gaer said:


> When I was constantly bothered by memories of the horrific ways my first husband treated myself and my two children, i knew I had to get this out of my head!  I got on the computer and wrote out everything.  Stuck it in my file.  Telling my children was not an option as it would hurt them too much.  After I wrote these out and stuck them away, I had NO MORE recurring thoughts of him!     it worked like magic!
> I had to handle my husband's death all alone.  But, I made it through!  Back to myself!
> Sorry you had to go through all that!


Gaer, we can interpret a lot about people from their responses in this forum.  My interpretation is that you are a good, spiritual, sensitive soul. Always so good to see your input here!


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## Aneeda72 (Nov 15, 2021)

Colleen said:


> No. I totally severed the umbilical cord a year ago. There were other hurtful things he said to me also, but I won't go into it here. Let's just say, they were uncalled for and I didn't deserve to be disrespected. I'm 75 and time is too short to waste on him.


I don’t know, maybe when we reach a certain age some of our adult children go a bit wacky and think they need closure on stuff, say certain things, before our time runs out.  When my daughter came out to visit in 2020 she insisted that I thought when she was a teenager that she was doing drugs and drinking.

She brought it up several times, till I finally “admitted” that yes, while I never thought she was doing drugs;  I did think she drank with her friends.  .  Only time I’ve ever lied to my daughter cause I, of course, never thought either.

My ”confession” seemed to bring her great happiness and closure.  As she was right .  She assured me I was wrong.  She NEVER drank as a teenager.  I apologized for what I “thought” and all was well again between us.  She was 48 at the time.  So strange.

Had she called me names, accused me of other stuff, whatever.  I am afraid I would have taken it and figured out a way to solve the issue and give her whatever closure she needed.  Because my life is too short to not have contact with my adult children.  I am 75 as well.

I do, however, feel differently about the adult grandchildren.  I would not take a bit of crap from them, and they know it.  But, I’ve never had any issues with them, , they are too self centered to be concerned about grandma.  I rarely see them.


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## Colleen (Nov 15, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> they are too self centered to be concerned about grandma. I rarely see them.


Awww...what a shame   I think someday my son will regret his words and actions towards me...but maybe not. He thinks he's right and I can't change his mind no matter what I say, so I save myself the stress of trying to have a relationship with him by not communicating with him any more. I think we're both happier this way.


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## Brookswood (Nov 21, 2021)

Sticks and stones.

Sure, harsh words from a love one can hurt. I try to surround myself with people of good character.   If I have to deal with a jerk, I take a matter of fact approach, keep my voice low but firm, and let them make fools of themselves.   It's amazing how many of these people will self-destruct on their own. Sad but true.


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