# Sick Mother's Twin dies, should she be Told?



## Patnono (May 31, 2019)

My mom's twin sister died yesterday from a stroke 89 yrs old.  My brother who is her guardian has said she should not be told because of her fragile state/dementia.  My sister whose daughter is her caregiver is considering telling her.  They haven't seen each other in several years, don't see how that's a good thing?, and don't know how she would take it?  My mother has also had a stroke n heart attack.  This sister is kind of the trouble maker of the family.  She said she would talk to our brother, I told her he had already said NO, her response was that she would think about it?  If something serious happens to her because of her selfish decision?  She will be Blamed for it?


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## hollydolly (May 31, 2019)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your aunt,  Patnono... and I agree with you,  in this instance, absolutely nothing would be gained by your mother being told of her sister's death!!


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## AnnieA (May 31, 2019)

Your brother is right.  She should not be told, and I base that response on years of working in geriatrics.  Dementia doesn't mean that she won't partially understand if told, and that is what makes it risky. Patients holding steady with dementia can destabilize under stress.  Be very clear about that with your niece.  If she tells her, she could push your mother into emotions she can no longer handle and wind up with a trip to geri-psych.  If your niece does tell your mom, then the family should make other arrangements for her care asap.


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## Sassycakes (May 31, 2019)

I'm very sorry to hear about your families loss,but I don't think your Mother should be told. In my Mom's later years when she was not aware of a lot of things her sister passed away and a month later her brother passed away. We didn't tell her about either death. There was nothing she could do,so we felt she would be much better off not knowing. I don't regret not telling her.


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## Patnono (May 31, 2019)

Thank you, this is the sister who's Always been rebellious, her and I sometimes get into it.  I didn't want to argue with her, she's going to do what she wants.  Hopefully my brother can talk sense into her.  She WILL be held responsible if something serious happens to her?


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## Patnono (May 31, 2019)

Thanks for that information, it's my sister that wants to tell my mom.  I can't tell you how Frustrated iam with her???   She's always been one who doesn't want to be told what to do, she knows it ALL???  I Will hold her personally responsible if this goes Terribly Wrong???  Hoping my brother can talk sense into her???  He was very Adamant about this, lets see how it goes???


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## AZ Jim (May 31, 2019)

I wouldn't tell her.  She is fragile and telling her serves no good purpose.


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## Keesha (May 31, 2019)

Sorry for your loss Patnono.


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## Patnono (May 31, 2019)

Thanks, I m pretty Angry with my sister...to me it seems that this is a feeling of Power for her, that's how she sounded..."I'll Think about It" she said with a arrogant voice.  I don't want to speak to her right now, i might say things I don't want too . Hopefully my brother who is her guardian will talk her Ego down?


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## Patnono (May 31, 2019)

Thank you, someone else with geriatric experience wrote that we don't know where she's at mentally, this could really mess her up.  My sister also said that she thought my mother was fine?  I wonder where she got her MD degree that she can diagnose my mom mental state of mind?


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## RadishRose (Jun 1, 2019)

Sorry about your aunt. I agree, there's nothing to be gained by telling your mother.


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## Patnono (Jun 1, 2019)

Thanks, hopefully my brother who is her legal guardian can put his foot down and Stop this selfishness?


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## C'est Moi (Jun 1, 2019)

Here's a different perspective.   You say your mother hasn't seen her twin in years, so maybe she wouldn't be so traumatized to hear of her death at all.    Sounds like a family power-play to me, and the only person you can control in all this drama is YOU.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Jun 1, 2019)

I wouldn't tell her either.


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## Patnono (Jun 1, 2019)

Well they both have dementia, my mother can barely talk. And her sister lives in Arizona. But the thing is no one Really knows the the consequences of doing that could be? I don't know if you saw where someone who has experience in geriatric care wrote that this could really end up Bad?   I don't think it's worth The Risk?  My aunt's dying isn't going to make my mom's life Better.  And yes this is a Power play by my sister, just like she controls when we can see our mother.  But wants to complain that we don't see her or helps with her?  We have offered to help.  And we have chipped in financially paid for things when it comes to her.  Car repairs, AC repairs ETC.


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## AnnieA (Jun 2, 2019)

If your brother is legal guardian, then sounds like y'all need to make other arrangements for her care than the pot stirring, rebellious sister.   It would be a pain to get it all sorted, but your posts in this thread and others indicate it's an ongoing pain as it is dealing with your sister.  She sounds like the least appropriate of the three of you to care for a vulnerable elderly person.


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## Butterfly (Jun 3, 2019)

I don't see what the point would be in telling her about the death.  If the brother is the legal guardian, then he, along with the sister's medical care professionals, should be the one to make this decision.


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## Patnono (Jun 3, 2019)

Thanks, so far it looks like she's not going to be told?  I spoke with my niece who is really the one who cares for her.  She agrees with me that she should not be told.  So let's See?


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## OneEyedDiva (Jul 5, 2019)

You have my condolences in the loss of your aunt.  My DIL's mother lost a grandchild recently and because of her state of dementia she was not told.  I think due to your mother's frail condition, she should not be either. If your brother is her guardian and he decided not to tell her, no family member should feel they have the right to go against his wishes.


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## Patnono (Jul 5, 2019)

OneEyedDiva said:


> You have my condolences in the loss of your aunt.  My DIL's mother lost a grandchild recently and because of her state of dementia she was not told.  I think due to your mother's frail condition, she should not be either. If your brother is her guardian and he decided not to tell her, no family member should feel they have the right to go against his wishes.



Thanks, I appreciate it.  All is well with my mom.  We have all agreed to not tell my mom.  We did the same thing with our dad, my brother had committed suicide 40 years ago.  My dad was in a mental hospital.  Though we All grieve and want to feel better, but Not at the expense of someone who's mental state is in question?


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