# A guest/roommate who will not leave - what would you do?



## Myquest55 (Jul 31, 2020)

This isn't exclusively a "senior" situation but I am hoping some of you may have survived a similar experience (or know someone who has) and will have some words of wisdom to share here.  

Our son (age 36) invited a friend (in his 30s) to move into his spare room.  Son helped friend financially to move from TX to TN with the understanding that friend would get some counseling and find a job to help with pay the living expenses.  It has been 3 years and this guy is still there - no counseling, no job and no financial assistance.  He hasn't applied for SSI (disability) since counseling and a Dr's referral would be required.  Son is now frustrated but doesn't want to turn friend (who has no $$) out on the streets but he cannot afford to carry this guy much longer.  Friend has plenty of excuses why he cannot go back "home."  Has PTSD, Anxiety, & some other issues.  Son has done everything he can think of to try to help.

Son & I have agreed there should be a time limit - one has already come & gone.  I would like to advise son but I don't see changes being made without a huge confrontation and he isn''t good at that........  We offered to pay for new locks and the friend's plane ticket.  I thought to look up tenant/landlord laws but he hasn't paid any rent so isn't an actual tenant.  

Any suggestions?


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## Aunt Bea (Jul 31, 2020)

I would ask the person to leave, set a date for that to happen, and put it in writing for each to sign.

Your son should also check the local laws and see if he will be required to go through the eviction process due to the time that has passed or if he can simply call the police and ask them to escort him off the property.

Good luck!


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## Keesha (Jul 31, 2020)

Three years??  That’s taking advantage. This guy has decided since you didn’t require anything from him so  is taking full advantage of it. Setting a move out date is essential and not taking any excuses. It’s not your job to look after him. In fact it’s quite cheeky on his part to do this. Most people wouldn’t have the heart to take advantage of someone who has been gracious enough to help out so I wouldn’t feel the least bit guilty. He should. It’s horrible that he’d do this to you. Let him know that you are renovating the room for another purpose which is none of his business what for.


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## peramangkelder (Jul 31, 2020)

It will be hard for your son telling the friend he must leave but he must do it...no ifs ands or buts 
He has taken advantage of your son for way too long and your son must stand up to him
He must start the ball rolling by helping the friend get financial assistance
My daughter's 2nd marriage was on the rocks and stupid me convinced my 2nd husband to take her and kids in temporarily
Unfortunately once daughter was settled in she really 'settled in' and did not want to get off her backside
She upset my new husband and I felt torn between the 2 of them
Of course my loyalty was with my husband but I was naturally concerned about my daughter
I phoned around and found a place for her to stay needless to say she was not happy about that
They were with us for 6 months and that was about 5 months too long 
Once she and the kids left peace reigned supreme


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## Ceege (Jul 31, 2020)

If he never paid any rent then he is not a tenant.
If he has stayed past the time you gave him to leave, he went from a house-guest to a trespasser. 

https://www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/resources/how-do-i-get-rid-a-house-guest-who-wont-leave.htm


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## Sunny (Jul 31, 2020)

Your son is being too nice. He is enabling this freeloader, who apparently has no qualms about living like a parasite, sucking the blood (figuratively) out of a man who was just trying to be his friend. He will be with him forever, unless he is forced to leave.

The above advice is good. Your son should get legal recourse if necessary. But he has to stand firm.


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## jujube (Jul 31, 2020)

People have had to go to court to evict their own adult children.  

Depending on which state your son lives in (Maine?), the rules can vary.    In some cases, if the unwanted guest says he helps out around the house (even if he lies about it), the court can rule that he is receiving room and board in exchange for those services and is a tenant and not a guest, thus receiving the "rights" of a tenant.  

Unless your son is willing to get legal advice applicable to the regulations of his area and then is willing to act upon that legal advice, he's going to have a leech living in his house for a long time.


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## Myquest55 (Jul 31, 2020)

THANK YOU so much for all the input so far!  Son lives in Tennessee.  Friend did some cooking and cleaning when he first moved in but not so much any more - and really - I'm sure it wasn't enough to equate to rent (but that is a legal consideration).  Ceege - thanks especially for that legal Q&A link.  I wasn't even sure what to use as a search!

Of course, with COVID-19 running amuck, moving will be difficult and travel is not safe.  However - I like the time limit idea where everyone signs and a definitive plan is written out.  

Friend NEEDS financial support but needs counseling to be able to GET that support from SSI so.....Catch-22 here.  I welcome any more thoughts - thanks to all.


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## Giantsfan1954 (Jul 31, 2020)

Myquest55 said:


> This isn't exclusively a "senior" situation but I am hoping some of you may have survived a similar experience (or know someone who has) and will have some words of wisdom to share here.
> 
> Our son (age 36) invited a friend (in his 30s) to move into his spare room.  Son helped friend financially to move from TX to TN with the understanding that friend would get some counseling and find a job to help with pay the living expenses.  It has been 3 years and this guy is still there - no counseling, no job and no financial assistance.  He hasn't applied for SSI (disability) since counseling and a Dr's referral would be required.  Son is now frustrated but doesn't want to turn friend (who has no $$) out on the streets but he cannot afford to carry this guy much longer.  Friend has plenty of excuses why he cannot go back "home."  Has PTSD, Anxiety, & some other issues.  Son has done everything he can think of to try to help.
> 
> ...


He is considered a tenant of he gets mail at your sons address.
I believe it's called statuatory.
He has to go through the normal channels for eviction.
The absolute worst thing to would be to change the locks.


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## MarciKS (Jul 31, 2020)

Myquest55 said:


> This isn't exclusively a "senior" situation but I am hoping some of you may have survived a similar experience (or know someone who has) and will have some words of wisdom to share here.
> 
> Our son (age 36) invited a friend (in his 30s) to move into his spare room.  Son helped friend financially to move from TX to TN with the understanding that friend would get some counseling and find a job to help with pay the living expenses.  It has been 3 years and this guy is still there - no counseling, no job and no financial assistance.  He hasn't applied for SSI (disability) since counseling and a Dr's referral would be required.  Son is now frustrated but doesn't want to turn friend (who has no $$) out on the streets but he cannot afford to carry this guy much longer.  Friend has plenty of excuses why he cannot go back "home."  Has PTSD, Anxiety, & some other issues.  Son has done everything he can think of to try to help.
> 
> ...


*I dislike confrontation as well but if it were me I'd just flat out tell him "look...we're friends & all & I understand your side of this. However, I need you to either do your part or get off my property." Sometimes things just have to be dealt with. It's either that or your son risks becoming homeless as well.*


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## Luv2Cycle (Jul 31, 2020)

If your son is renting, maybe he could find another apartment or something better than where he is. Less expensive? It would be a way to get out of the situation.


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## Ceege (Aug 1, 2020)

Luv2Cycle said:


> If your son is renting, maybe he could find another apartment or something better than where he is. Less expensive? It would be a way to get out of the situation.


That sounds good.  Move out and tell the friend he has until the end of the paid month to find another place to live.  Of course, it could depend on whether your son signed a lease or is paying by the month.  A lease would keep him there until it runs out.  But, the lease date would become a final date that the 'guest' had to move somewhere else. 
Perhaps your son could speak to someone with Social Services to get some advice and even some help, both mental and financial, for his friend.


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## Myquest55 (Aug 1, 2020)

Son owns the townhouse.   Ah, Social Services - thanks again.  When I read that, after having lived in TN, I realized that I know someone retired from there that surely would have some suggestions to navigate that office.  In my experience however, they are usually more interested in young women with children than grown men with issues but I will e-mail her today and see where it gets us.  Will keep you posted.


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## Butterfly (Aug 1, 2020)

Myquest, when you are searching for information, be sure you are searching for Tennessee law.  Landlord/tenant law varies widely from state to state so generic landlord/tenant law information is of no value whatsoever unless it is Tennessee law.  Legal definitions of landlords, tenants, etc. (which also impact who can do what to whom and how), vary as well.

And, I have no idea how the pandemic eviction moritorium (which I understand expires today or expired yesterday but may well be reinstated) might or might not affect efforts to get that guy out of there.


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## macgeek (Aug 1, 2020)

This guy may have squatter rights now. this person is no friend hes taking advantage of everyone. he needs to go. were I live squatters seem to have lots of rights and getting rid of them is not easy. google says:  There are no “*squatters* rights” in *Tennessee*, but there is adverse possession. again check the laws in your area, maybe even speak to the sheriff.


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## JustBonee (Aug 1, 2020)

I agree with macgeek.  The guy is no friend,  just a moocher.


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## Aunt Bea (Aug 1, 2020)

It's hard to know.

The guy could be a moocher or he could have some form of mental/emotional illness.

His friend's kindness may be enabling him to continue living in a safe comfortable environment without getting treatment.


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## Gary O' (Aug 1, 2020)

Whoa. that's a toughy
Moocher with PTSD......
He needs help......out

I'd give him all the info for help, and find a way to make it a bit less comfy
....like no food in the house (eat out for awhile...without him tagging along)
Hey, the no food situation looks like it's just around the corner anyway


and cut off the cable TV


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## MarciKS (Aug 1, 2020)

I would ask him to leave. If he didn't I'd get the police involved.


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## Autumn (Aug 1, 2020)

Myquest55 said:


> This isn't exclusively a "senior" situation but I am hoping some of you may have survived a similar experience (or know someone who has) and will have some words of wisdom to share here.
> 
> Our son (age 36) invited a friend (in his 30s) to move into his spare room.  Son helped friend financially to move from TX to TN with the understanding that friend would get some counseling and find a job to help with pay the living expenses.  It has been 3 years and this guy is still there - no counseling, no job and no financial assistance.  He hasn't applied for SSI (disability) since counseling and a Dr's referral would be required.  Son is now frustrated but doesn't want to turn friend (who has no $$) out on the streets but he cannot afford to carry this guy much longer.  Friend has plenty of excuses why he cannot go back "home."  Has PTSD, Anxiety, & some other issues.  Son has done everything he can think of to try to help.
> 
> ...


I don't know what the law is there, but here in MA you would have to go through an eviction process.  I understand that your son doesn't want to just turn him out, but what's the alternative?

It's important to find out exactly what the law requires.  My husband did property management, and you'd be shocked how someone like your son's "roommate" could turn the situation to his own benefit.  It needs to be handled strictly by the book.

I realize how upsetting this will be for your son, but he needs to put his own well-being first.


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## MarciKS (Aug 1, 2020)

If he's renting & the landlord finds out that other guy is there he could get kicked out.


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## applecruncher (Aug 1, 2020)

It's been 3 yrs.


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## Autumn (Aug 1, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> If he's renting & the landlord finds out that other guy is there he could get kicked out.


I hadn't thought of this, but you're absolutely right.  This is an important consideration.


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## Pinky (Aug 1, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> If he's renting & the landlord finds out that other guy is there he could get kicked out.


I believe the son owns the townhouse.


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## Luv2Cycle (Aug 1, 2020)

I am definately leaning towards this guy having mental illness. Put his name on the list of subsidized apartment complexes in the area. If he has issues, he will need someone to assist in filling it out. You do not need any income for this, it's 30% of your income for rent. He sounds like a sick & depressed guy who needs professional help. To find a solution which doesn't require the severing of the relationship is best. 
Another idea is to buy him or loan him a camper or something to live outside the house in the driveway, possibly. Then tell him his former room will be rented out soon. Townhomes often do not have much land so this might not be viable


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## Butterfly (Aug 1, 2020)

macgeek said:


> This guy may have squatter rights now. this person is no friend hes taking advantage of everyone. he needs to go. were I live squatters seem to have lots of rights and getting rid of them is not easy. google says:  There are no “*squatters* rights” in *Tennessee*, but there is adverse possession. again check the laws in your area, maybe even speak to the sheriff.



I doubt that adverse possession applies to friends who will not leave, especially since the son once gave permission for the friend to use a room.  I never heard of adverse possession being asserted about one room in a house.


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## Butterfly (Aug 1, 2020)

Luv2Cycle said:


> I am definately leaning towards this guy having mental illness. Put his name on the list of subsidized apartment complexes in the area. If he has issues, he will need someone to assist in filling it out. You do not need any income for this, it's 30% of your income for rent. He sounds like a sick & depressed guy who needs professional help. To find a solution which doesn't require the severing of the relationship is best.
> Another idea is to buy him or loan him a camper or something to live outside the house in the driveway, possibly. Then tell him his former room will be rented out soon. Townhomes often do not have much land so this might not be viable



Personally, I don't think it would be a good idea for the son to enable this guy by buying him a camper, etc.  In the first place, that's a lot of money, and in the second place, I doubt the son wants to take the guy on to support for life.


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## Sunny (Aug 2, 2020)

This all reminds me of the saying:  No good deed goes unpunished.


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## OneEyedDiva (Aug 2, 2020)

Maybe your son can find him a place to stay in a shelter. Not ideal but how much longer can he put up with this thoughtless ingrate? Things like this is what makes people hesitant to help others. I have a friend who tried to help an out of work child actor (who appeared in a T.V. show). He took advantage of her kindness and she finally had to ask him to leave. I think she came home one day and he was gone.  Then he proceeded to talk trash about her on social media.  Total ingrate! I hope your son can resolve this issue even if it requires getting legal counsel.


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## Aneeda72 (Aug 2, 2020)

Ceege said:


> That sounds good.  Move out and tell the friend he has until the end of the paid month to find another place to live.  Of course, it could depend on whether your son signed a lease or is paying by the month.  A lease would keep him there until it runs out.  But, the lease date would become a final date that the 'guest' had to move somewhere else.
> Perhaps your son could speak to someone with Social Services to get some advice and even some help, both mental and financial, for his friend.


Except if son moves out and the friend is left, and does damage, the son is responsible for the damage.


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## Luv2Cycle (Aug 2, 2020)

Butterfly said:


> Personally, I don't think it would be a good idea for the son to enable this guy by buying him a camper, etc.  In the first place, that's a lot of money, and in the second place, I doubt the son wants to take the guy on to support for life.


I think it's too late for that regarding enabling nor do I necessarily agree that is what it is in this situation. You are assuming his roommate is well, this I doubt. Therefore there is not enabling. Many of these people if the shoe were on the other foot, would do this much and maybe more for their friend

The camper wouldn't be a gift to the room-mate, just an area he can sleep in.

 It's baby steps in the right direction and may spur him to finding other housing without ruining the friendship


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## Luv2Cycle (Aug 2, 2020)

Myquest55 said:


> Son owns the townhouse.   Ah, Social Services - thanks again.  When I read that, after having lived in TN, I realized that I know someone retired from there that surely would have some suggestions to navigate that office.  In my experience however, they are usually more interested in young women with children than grown men with issues but I will e-mail her today and see where it gets us.  Will keep you posted.


I believe this is correct. The best you can do is get his name on some kind of subsidized housing and wait. 
You mentioned SSI so that is a program for the disabled which is not easy to get into. Doesn't sound like this guy is bad but he at least needs to find somewhere to stay part of the year. Baby steps in the right direction so he can somehow surivive somewhere at no cost. Seniors often like to have a male around, at no cost, living in their property just in case of an emergency or do assist with some male type tasks which arise. I wish your son good luck, this is rough


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## Butterfly (Aug 3, 2020)

Luv2Cycle said:


> I think it's too late for that regarding enabling nor do I necessarily agree that is what it is in this situation. You are assuming his roommate is well, this I doubt. Therefore there is not enabling. Many of these people if the shoe were on the other foot, would do this much and maybe more for their friend
> 
> The camper wouldn't be a gift to the room-mate, just an area he can sleep in.
> 
> It's baby steps in the right direction and may spur him to finding other housing without ruining the friendship



The OP said the son can't afford to support the guy much longer.  So he should be able to go out and buy a nice camper for the guy to live in?

And of course it would be enabling -- it would be allowing the guy to continue to mooch and not try to find solutions for himself.  I don't think it is right to expect the son to carry the guy forever.  He isn't family, after all, and apparently has done nothing to either earn his keep by helping out around the house or to try to stand on his own two feet.  His long term welfare is not the son's problem.

IMHO, the son should get the guy out of there and then do a serious check on his own boundaries.  Helping out a friend is well and good,  but that doesn't mean the son  has to be his meal ticket forever.  There is a point where the son has to take care of himself and his own well-being.  Three years is more than long enough to help out someone who will not attempt to help himself.


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## Myquest55 (Aug 19, 2020)

THANKS again SO much for all the helpful replies!  We are still working on this.  Son has had a definitive talk with "guest" and he thinks things may be moving forward.  I did reach out to a former neighbor who manages rentals.  He carefully lined out what has to be done:  who, & how, to contact - legally - to remove someone from the property.  (We hope it doesn't come to that but at least Son has correct information).  I also reached out - once someone here mentioned it - to someone I realized I know, who is Retired from the City Human Services Office.  She, in turn, reached out to people she knows still working there and called me the other night, with a list of programs and places this "guest" can contact.  The first thing is for him to apply online for Food Stamps.  That would at least, help him to purchase his own food - or at least some of it!  She mentioned several free clinics, a homeless shelter that also has outreach programs as well as some other suggestions.   

Son is back to work, after a break, on a 7-day week schedule so I doubt anything will happen very quickly but I will try to update as we move forward.  THANK YOU ALL AGAIN!


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## Butterfly (Aug 19, 2020)

Your son is going to have to stay on top of the guy to get him to move out.  People who take this kind of advantage of others think that if they just keep on doing nothing about finding a solution for themselves and/or coming up with excuses why they can't do so, people like your son will just let them slide.  

And tell your son not to feel guilty about making the guy move!  He has already done way more more than almost anybody would, and he has a right to live his own life the way he wants to without unwanted hangers-on dragging him down.  The guy's problems are NOT your son's problems and your son doesn't owe the guy anything.  Moochers like the guy are really good at trying to dump guilt trips  on people to get them to allow them to continue to let them mooch.

What if your son decides to  find a girlfriend and get married or move in together?  I don't think most women would want anything to do with the idea of a moocher being part of the bargain and sharing a home and resources with said moocher.


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## Myquest55 (Aug 20, 2020)

You're right, Butterfly!  I have already thrown out the "you'll never find a girlfriend or have a family with Guest living in the spare room!" idea.  The whole pandemic issue kind of throws a wrench in things now too - Son works a full week and none of us wants Guest to get sick or die.  HOWEVER, you're right - he cannot let this go one much longer.


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## Sunny (Aug 20, 2020)

This "guest" will always find some excuse to continue hanging on, until he finds another good-hearted soul to mooch off of.  If it isn't the pandemic, it will be something else. Your son is being an enabler.  He should throw the guy out, using the law if necessary.

However, your son is an adult, and obviously there's just so much you can do. Since your son is back to work full time, probably the easiest thing for him is just to do nothing, for the time being.  It's probably very hard for you to just allow this to happen, but obviously there are limits on what you can do about it.


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## RadishRose (Aug 20, 2020)

Starve him out. 
Lock up the food and don't have too much around. Eat out.


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## jerry old (Aug 20, 2020)

there is a salvation army or other assistance providing agencies in your state,
if 100 miles away-haul him there:  " as a golden goose, I'm dead" 
see what the people inside can do for you-I'm done


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## JaniceM (Aug 20, 2020)

Myquest55 said:


> This isn't exclusively a "senior" situation but I am hoping some of you may have survived a similar experience (or know someone who has) and will have some words of wisdom to share here.
> 
> Our son (age 36) invited a friend (in his 30s) to move into his spare room.  Son helped friend financially to move from TX to TN with the understanding that friend would get some counseling and find a job to help with pay the living expenses.  It has been 3 years and this guy is still there - no counseling, no job and no financial assistance.  He hasn't applied for SSI (disability) since counseling and a Dr's referral would be required.  Son is now frustrated but doesn't want to turn friend (who has no $$) out on the streets but he cannot afford to carry this guy much longer.  Friend has plenty of excuses why he cannot go back "home."  Has PTSD, Anxiety, & some other issues.  Son has done everything he can think of to try to help.
> 
> ...


Check with Legal Aid to find out your state's laws.  
In some places a person doesn't have the authority to force a guest to leave without filing a formal eviction.  Not sure what your state says, though.


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