# It can be sad how some parents judge their children based on how they did in school..



## Spirit22 (Jun 14, 2014)

I know a LOT of parents judge (and even favor) their children based on how well they did in school. I had a learning disorder and so I did not do good in school as a child, and was put down and called lazy constantly by both my parents, which only made learning even harder for me, not to mention they never got me the help I needed. 

My older sister, who was favored above my younger sister and me, was always encouraged and did very well in school. My parents are both gone now, but until the day they both died they still never quit with reminding me that I was not good in school. I took care of my dad while he was suffering with cancer, and he still, at 82 yrs. old, told me that my older sister was 'better than' me because she got her high school diploma and I never did. He could not answer me though, when I finally reminded him of the following:  My older sister with the high school diploma did nothing after high school but get high and sleep around, was arrested at 18 for drugs, never had a job until she was 30 working part time and then quit in less than a year because she could not stand to have to work, got married and divorced and got high with her two daughters when they were young teenagers, and finally got a job (because her child support stopped), watering plants because she didn't want a job where she had to 'think'!

As for me, I got a job doing filing in an office, then decided that I wanted to learn more without going through the horrifying experience I always had in school, so I went to the library and started reading, and came across a book on Accounting. I checked out that book over and over again, and in spite of my learning problems, I was determined to prove to myself and my parents that I can learn, but I couldn't do it while being called lazy and being accused of not trying. I got my first accounting job doing billing for a small company, and I began to thrive. I studied even more and then got a job doing general accounting, then sales auditing. After a few years of working hard, I ended up learning payroll, being promoted twice, and eventually became the assistant controller of a construction company. For years I would sometimes look at what I had accomplished and say 'I can't believe this is me'. That is what years of being put down and compared to a sibling can do to you. 

I am not better than my older sister, we are just different people. But my point is this:  I think education is one of the most important things there is, however, there is more than one way to get it, and having a piece of paper that says you did good with a teacher standing over you and memorizing what is within the four corners of a book does not make you better than anyone else. Bill Gates never went to college; Lucille Ball was told she would never amount to anything; and the greatest teacher of all time never opened a book but ended up teaching the elders in a Temple at the age of 12. :tickled_pink:


----------



## Warrigal (Jun 14, 2014)

Lay it aside now Spirit. You are just fine.

I used to teach maths to high school girls. Some took to it naturally and others struggled.
One day one of the latter was very distressed and I told her that being good at maths isn't what gets you into Heaven.
She looked at me in astonishment, then with relief. After that she was a happy little camper, just doing her best.
That's all life is about. That, and absorbing the lessons of that child prodigy in the Temple at Jerusalem.

Education and learning are lifetime pursuits and the measure of education is what we absorb, 
not how many pieces of paper we can display on the wall.


----------



## hollydolly (Jun 14, 2014)

Excellent post Spirit....and despite all the setbacks you're a perfectly well educated rounded human being..

and warrigal...wow, as someone who did very well at other subjects but Maths was a struggle, I wish I'd had  someone like you as my maths teacher instead.


----------



## Spirit22 (Jun 14, 2014)

Thank you Warrigal & Hollydolly. I am trying to let it go through prayer. Not being loved by your own parents stays with you for a lifetime. I spent my childhood crying and saying my prayers, asking Jesus to hold me and love me because I didn't know what that felt like. I just hope my post gets through to any parents who are like mine were and that it helps them to see how they are hurting their children and hopefully change their hearts. :love_heart:


----------



## Warrigal (Jun 14, 2014)

Spirit, take these words into yourself and let them take root there. They are from Isaiah 49: 14-16a.
They are about you. They are for you.



> But Zion said, ‘The Lord has forsaken me,
> my Lord has forgotten me.’
> [SUP]15 [/SUP]Can a woman forget her nursing-child,
> or show no compassion for the child of her womb?
> ...


----------



## Capt Lightning (Jun 14, 2014)

I find it unfortunate that religion is brought into a post that I can otherwise relate to.  I came to realise quite early on that especially my mother,  looked upon the achievements and failures of the children as directly affecting HER.  It was not so much how well we did at school or in work, but how it reflected on her as a parent.
I was always being told how well other people were doing, but never congratulated on how well I did.  

It's not so much, how well you did on specific subjects,  but how well you recognise and use your own talents.  We are all different.


----------



## Spirit22 (Jun 14, 2014)

Thank you so much Warrigal. And to Capt Lightning, I'm sorry if you are offended by religion, but I do appreciate your post. However, the reality of my situation is that my faith is what has helped me through a very painful life, and it was included in my posts for that reason. I guess all I can say is for those of us who believe in God, no explanation is necessary, and for those who do not, no explanation is possible.


----------



## Capt Lightning (Jun 14, 2014)

Hello Spirit22,  I'm not in the least offended by religion, but I believe that it is a personal thing though one that I can't relate to.  I suppose I become defensive if religion is brought into a topic that is in itself  not a religious one.   Being judged on school results is something that could potentially affect anyone,  believers and non-believers alike.


----------



## Meanderer (Jun 14, 2014)

I just realized that we have been raised by other people's Children, and we are raising other people's Parents.  That can be both a scary and liberating thought.


----------



## Bettyann (Jun 20, 2014)

Spirit22
I am so very sorry for what you went through... as a retired teacher I can GUARANTEE YOU that its not 'how well you do in school' that has a THING to do with how your life turns out. 
It was my experience that the little knownwer or notice plug alongs were the ones who ended up with the most happy lives... while the Kings and Queens of this and that and the President of Student Council, etc. and the captain of the football team. The straight A students were hardly guaranteed success in life. 
I once worked in a grade school where they conducted an experiment of eliminating all A B C grades and went to 'reports' instead in which the teachers were REQUIRED to say a number of positive things... The results were ASTOUNDING... There had been 43 thumbsuckers ( at ages 9 or above because of horrid insecurity) and by the end of the year ONLY 3 continued this habit... and the 'trouble makers' were MUCH less trouble!  
Just please 'let go' of what your parents did... I know, personally, how hard that can be... so YOU can be free of it. Yes, education is important...but most of the REAL practical learning is done OUTSIDE of school... Did you know Einstein got kicked out of 4th or 5th grade!  I know that some of the genius level kids were actually FAILING in school... "Formal" education is more or less for 'filling you inside the box'... Yup, I know all about Steve Jobs! 
My grandchildren are all homeschooled. I am not putting down all of public education, but I am not a FAN of it, either! There are good inspirational teachers and there are some who are awful... We all remember the extreme ones: the ones who were kind and the ones that made cutting remarks.
I am PROUD of how you 'taught yourself!' and all that you accomplished! GOOD for you!!


----------



## hellomimi (May 31, 2020)

I admit I'm one of those who tried to sway my son to enroll in any healthcare course in college. For practical reasons, let's say he goes to nursing school, he can go anywhere in the world and find a job. Alas, he plans to enroll in engineering and do robotics. I came to realize that I can't plan his life for him so I changed mindset. Now, I tell him, follow his passion and he will never work a single day of his life if he likes what he does. Wherever and whatever makes him happy, mom is happiest.


----------



## Keesha (May 31, 2020)

My parents didn’t judge my school grades. That would involve knowing what they were.


----------



## WhatInThe (Jun 22, 2020)

It's not so much 'the judging' as school is too early in life to make one's final assessment. And what kids do in school besides academics can be judged and is an indicator of their future adult life.

That being said it's how one progresses or changes especially if they do it on their own. A bad teacher, friend, classmate  or two can mess up a student. Hopefully their 'adventures' are just a phase. Academics it's a matter of getting someone who can explain the subject matter in different ways rather being the talking version of the book. Same for the student, it may take extra math problems. In college I found text by different authors to be of help in various subjects. The student must learn to become a student and not just be a person try to get through a course as a matter of administrative requirement. 

It all comes back to the old saying it's not getting knocked down it's about getting back up.


----------



## JaniceM (Jun 22, 2020)

Capt Lightning said:


> I find it unfortunate that religion is brought into a post that I can otherwise relate to.  I came to realise quite early on that especially my mother,  looked upon the achievements and failures of the children as directly affecting HER.  It was not so much how well we did at school or in work, but how it reflected on her as a parent.
> I was always being told how well other people were doing, but never congratulated on how well I did.
> 
> It's not so much, how well you did on specific subjects,  but how well you recognise and use your own talents.  We are all different.


Same here, but with one very odd difference:  as she simply could not stand anyone "outdoing" her in any way, she didn't take well to my brother and I showing intelligence in our early years.. and went out of her way to "sabotage" us every step of the way.


----------



## peramangkelder (Jun 23, 2020)

Unfortunately my Mother always favoured my younger sister ahead of me in EVERYTHING
That rang true right up until she died 6 moths ago
I was NEVER good enough for her
According to her it was my fault she had to marry my father


----------

