# How are you alike or different from your parents?



## Fyrefox (Aug 14, 2020)

Don't get me wrong; my parents had many admirable qualities.  My father certainly had a work ethic, and was what used to be called a "self-made man," building himself up from a humble beginning that offered him few resources.  Yet for all of their good characteristics, my parents were racists and homophobes.  To some extent, these attitudes were far more common in their generation, while certainly not acceptable.  It was a challenge to myself to reconcile my love for my parents with those things I found repugnant, accepting what I could not change.

Has anyone else experienced a similar approach/avoidance conflict with their parents, and how did you deal with it?  In what ways are you alike or dissimilar from your parents?


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## hollydolly (Aug 14, 2020)

Absolutely different from my parents... Mother was downtrodden, and couldn't escape her horrible violent  married life, so resorted to chemical escape.. and died young  ( I have an abhorrence of drugs and alcohol) ..Sperm donor was an evil Human being  all round.. except he had a work ethic.. which I don't know if I inherited so much as had it beaten into me that I needed to work at all costs..either way I have it, and my daughter too...


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## Aunt Bea (Aug 14, 2020)

Sometimes I'm too close for comfort!

My parents had their own flaws and demons just like I have mine.

As I've gotten older I've come to understand and accept my parents as people.


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## MarciKS (Aug 14, 2020)

i'm silly like my mother but i've definitely got daddy's temper.


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## Keesha (Aug 14, 2020)

I’ll be brutally honest. Some parents shouldn’t  have children. My parents were such people. They shouldn’t have had children but did.

Due to how my parents were raised, they had many  issues which they struggled with, especially my mom and since she  ruled the roost, it was her way or the highway.

Due to their lack of proper parenting skills I left home as early as I legally could which was 16 and promised myself that I’d never become anything like them.

In many ways, I’m the opposite of them but in many ways, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and I’m just like them and in some ways, even worse.

Most stuff is too personal to discuss but some stuff I’ll touch on. Being frugal! My parents were insanely frugal. Mix this with OCD and the combination is somewhat scary.  Both my parents worked and made great money but were penny wise pound foolish.

My father has bad OCD . Combined with frugality he’d rather straighten out old rusty nails than buy new ones. Rather glue up old cups and saucers than purchase new ones.

Forgiveness. My parents couldn’t forgive, especially my mom. If you did something which they considered disloyal or against their principles , you were forever condemned and made to remember your mistakes constantly.

Their worst faults I won’t discuss here. Oddly enough I’ve spent most of my life trying to convince my parents I’m worthy enough of love and acceptance by trying to shower them with gifts and loving attention only to discover that it didn’t matter. They weren’t ever going to change their mind and in the end i was the fool for trying.

Nothing I could have done would have changed their mind about how they felt about me and they made sure that how they felt about me would have a permanent lasting effect forever which was beyond cruel and unfair.  Yes I could fight it but they aren’t worth it.


Unfortunately, as much as I disliked some of their mental dysfunction, in the end I painfully struggle with some of them and HATE IT!!!!


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## Don M. (Aug 14, 2020)

I had good parents, and sometimes still miss them.  My Mom was great, but my Dad had a pretty bad temper, and I felt the slap of his hand more times than I care to mention.  As a result, I vowed never to become violent with our kids.  They gave my Sister and me good growing up years, and instilled an attitude of being responsible.


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## old medic (Aug 14, 2020)

Dad was a workaholic/alcoholic, mom left him when I was 3
Mom has a heart of gold, trying to help anyone and walked over by many...
My roots sprouted about an equal distance between them


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## MarciKS (Aug 14, 2020)

Keesha said:


> I’ll be brutally honest. Some parents shouldn’t  have children. My parents were such people. They shouldn’t have had children but did.
> 
> Due to how my parents were raised, they had many  issues which they struggled with, especially my mom and since she  ruled the roost, it was her way or the highway.
> 
> ...


{{hugs}}


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## Capt Lightning (Aug 14, 2020)

Nothing like them. They were totally inflexible in their views and incapable of constructing a logical argument.


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## Sassycakes (Aug 14, 2020)

*Both my parents were really good people,but I would have to say I am more like my Dad then my Mom. My Mom was very stern where as my Dad had a more gentle approach to me.*


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## Pepper (Aug 14, 2020)

My parents were wonderful, and they were in love till the end.  They instilled in me how wrong racism was from the beginning of my life. My dad was hardworking and loved to take us all on trips and vacations, museums and movies............he loved to have fun! and he was fun to be with.  My mother's fault was the trauma she suffered during the Depression which left her fearful in some ways.  They were fabulous grandparents.  They were very easy going with me, and believe me, I had many adventures. They wanted us to have a good life and be happy.  

On my father's tombstone it reads "We'll spend the rest of our lives missing you" and it's true.  I miss my mother so much not a day goes by where I don't think I can't call her.  My son said the other day that shows I never fully accepted her death.  

Like them, my best quality is determination to rid the world of racism, to be fair, to allow people chances and mistakes, to forgive.  Unlike them, I'm not a hard worker.  Learning stuff was always very easy for me and I could have done more.  I didn't live up to my potential.  It was no fault of theirs.


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## Rosemarie (Aug 14, 2020)

I'm a bit like both but much nicer. My parents were both cold people, whereas I'm very warm.  I made sure my own children knew they were loved and wanted, something I and my siblings didn't get.


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## Aunt Marg (Aug 14, 2020)

I definitely carry many traits of both my parents, with me being more like my mom than anyone.

I'm old-fashioned to the bone, frugal, love all things retro and vintage, love gardening, cooking, baking, and keeping a nice home, and I always dress-up whenever I visit town or go shopping.


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## Pecos (Aug 14, 2020)

I am nothing like either one of my parents. Neither one of them should have had children.

By the time I was 23 my two younger brothers were living with me, and a couple of years later I was given legal custody of my younger sister. I got a pittance of child support for my youngest brother, nothing for the older one, and court directed  support for my sister.

The fact that I had anything to do with either of my parents after I left home is a complete mystery to me now. I suppose that I did not want their behavior to define the kind of person I wanted to become. I also found a couple of good role models along the way and that helped a great deal.


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## Gaer (Aug 14, 2020)

As a little girl,my older brother told me my parents found me under a rock on the side of the road. 
My parents were saintly, quiet, sweet.  My Mother's words were melodic,soft.  My Father was gentle, kind.  life enhancing.
After my abusive first marriage, I ceased being like them and became defensive, untrusting. fighting the world.
So, compared to them, i'm the "black sheep".
I WISH I were like my Father!  I might be in odd ways.  courageous, adventurous, deep feelings, full of ideas, my likes in art and poetry. 
At least, after a second GOOD marriage, I'm back to who I used to be!

I  like this thread!  Gave me a lot of introspection.


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## Lewkat (Aug 14, 2020)

I am more like my mother than my  father.  Both were strong but loving parents, each with a different sense of humor.  My mother was the stricter one although my father always had the final word.   They were very social people and had cocktail parties often.  Actually, they would have a party at the drop of a hat.  Loved people until my dad became ill and all the fun and games ended.


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## ClassicRockr (Aug 14, 2020)

My step-parents/legal guardians were very strict with me. They got me when I was 14. They had never had any kids. I knew nothing about farming until I went to them. A buddy of mine, who lived down the road, took me to the class dances (Freshman, Sophomore and Junior). I didn't date until I was a Senior and that was to the After-Prom Party. By that time, in 1968, I had my first car, a 1956 Chevy Bel Aire. 

I learned how to take care of swine and farm crops from my step-dad and some housework from my step-mom. I just thank God that I don't have the mouth my step-dad did. Not the "f" bomb, or any words like it, but did use others that really disturbed my step-mom. And, I'm glad that I didn't wind up with the passive personality my step-mom had towards my step-dad. IOW, complain, but do nothing about it. 

But, all-in-all, they were very loving to me and kept me from going down the wrong roads.


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## Pepper (Aug 14, 2020)

@ClassicRockr 
Good to see you!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Knight (Aug 14, 2020)

From my father be responsible.
From my mother look for the good in others.

Father was legally blind but still was able to work & he did. 

Mother was stay at home & stretched every dollar made. 

They had their views on life & raising kids that went with the times. Can't fault them for that.


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## win231 (Aug 14, 2020)

I'm nothing like my parents & proud of it.  And people who really knew my mother are always surprised that I'm not like her.
Both of my parents were racists.  My mother tried to instill her hatred in me from a very young age.  She was the ultimate controller.  And (no surprise) very abusive - physically, verbally & emotionally - a raging psycho.

My dad was nicer than she was, but I had very little respect for him because he let our mother get away with anything.  When he suggested she stop being abusive, she'd threaten to leave him & that was enough to allow her to continue her abuse.  I learned how wrong that was when I adopted a dog & realized that if anyone abused him I would take them apart.

My mother had 4 kids.  She abandoned the first one in another country after her marriage ended.  She had 3 kids with our dad - just to make sure he wouldn't leave her.  She probably knew no man with any self esteem would be with her.
When she died, NONE of her kids attended her funeral; we were too busy enjoying the moment.


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## asp3 (Aug 14, 2020)

I'm like my parents in many ways.  I'm very much like them politically, intellectually, environmentally.  I'm more like my father regarding risk taking and I think he would have done more if he hadn't married my mother.  He was smart and made good decisions so I'm pretty sure he would have been even more successful than he was had he been able to take some of the risks that would have paid off.

Although when I was younger I was very much like my parents emotionally and in personal relationships.  However I found out how cold they were in their personal relationship and with us as I grew older.  I don't really hugs between family members very often.  When I came back from college I began more physical warmth with my family and they picked it up as well.

I'd say I'm much more indulgent of myself than my parents were.  I also am much less driven for success than my father was.


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## Judycat (Aug 14, 2020)

Different. There's no drinking and smoking for one thing. No crazy theories about people who are different.  I'm friendly, but not into my neighbors who gossip about everyone. My parents used to give me a hard time for not repeating gossip, they'd give me the third degree when I came home from visiting someone. I hate gossip. It is mostly not true anyway. Don't want to fight with people either. Parents were always fighting with each other or someone else. Man, my family was/is nuts. So are my in-laws who aren't having fun unless there is some kind of conflict, and my sons' extended family with religion...yikes.  I am thankful to be on my own now that my husband is gone and the kids are grown. Peace and quiet at last. Nice.


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## jerry old (Aug 14, 2020)

Don't want to take the thread south, but consider: would a orphan  jump at the chance to trade places with you:-good parents or bad parents?


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## Judycat (Aug 14, 2020)

jerry old said:


> Don't want to take the thread south, but consider: would a orphan  jump at the chance to trade places with you:-good parents or bad parents.


No!


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## Pinky (Aug 14, 2020)

My parents had to work so hard to make ends meet .. and that went on until the end of their lives. It was only once I was on my own, that I appreciated them. Dad had a quick temper, and sometimes took his frustrations out on Mom. That was why all of us kids left home as soon as we were out of school. Dad had his discriminations that no doubt was due to his war experiences. Mom was an angel. There was not a person she disliked, and sometimes was taken advantage of. However, I know she couldn't have been any other way. I strive to be like her, especially in the patience department.


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## Sassycakes (Aug 24, 2020)

*Both of my Parents were wonderful,caring and loving. I was truly blessed to have had parents like they were. I think though that I was more like my Dad though. He never had a temper, while my Mother did. He made all of me ,my sister and brother feel like we were perfect. My Mom was different in that way because she always told us our faults. But she also was Precious to me and my brother and sister.*


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## Keesha (Aug 24, 2020)

Judycat said:


> No!


Ditto.


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## JaniceM (Aug 25, 2020)

Fyrefox said:


> Don't get me wrong; my parents had many admirable qualities.  My father certainly had a work ethic, and was what used to be called a "self-made man," building himself up from a humble beginning that offered him few resources.  Yet for all of their good characteristics, my parents were racists and homophobes.  To some extent, these attitudes were far more common in their generation, while certainly not acceptable.  It was a challenge to myself to reconcile my love for my parents with those things I found repugnant, accepting what I could not change.
> 
> Has anyone else experienced a similar approach/avoidance conflict with their parents, and how did you deal with it?  In what ways are you alike or dissimilar from your parents?



My parents came from different parts of the U.S., and had very different backgrounds.  I think the only reason they were compatible at all was they had similar basic values.  In no particular order, characteristics they had that I have:
-  Family is everything.  Although they certainly had some unusual ideas on the subject, they/I have similar viewpoint that nothing is more important.
-  'People are People' =  all human beings are equal, regardless of age, ethnicity, race, or any other factors;  and even kids have a voice. 
-  Parents are in charge of their kids, regardless of where or with whom the kids happen to be.  
-  Alcohol is negative, drugs are unacceptable;  neither ever used 'mind-altering' prescriptions, and neither would I.  
-  Gender roles are idiotic-  from toys to jobs, it's only about personal preference.  The only exception was family composition:  men provide for their families, women take care of house/kids- yet they still had an egaliatarian relationship. 
-  The approach "It doesn't matter what House of Worship you go to or what religion you follow, because there's only one God."


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## toffee (Aug 25, 2020)

not like my parent -may favour a few traits from my mother which was all good -father had so many demons in him 
which is good for him' coz  he will end up fitting right in where he went !!


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## debodun (Aug 26, 2020)

More like my father.


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## charry (Aug 26, 2020)

I’m nothing like any of them or my 4 siblings ..
I think that stork bought me from above


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## Aunt Marg (Aug 26, 2020)

charry said:


> I’m nothing like any of them or my 4 siblings ..
> I think that stork bought me from above


Nothing wrong with that!

Individuality is a marvelous thing!


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## hiraeth2018 (Aug 27, 2020)

It's sometimes scary just how much I am like both parents... I am just now becoming comfortable in my own skin. I tried everything I could to not be like them and yet there is no denying it... we are definitely related.


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