# Why do we shout when we’re angry?



## Ronni (Aug 19, 2020)

Reading a Rumi quote and it really made me think.  

The quote suggested that when people love each other, whether romantically or familiarly, they speak softly.  They know each others' hearts and those hearts are close, sometimes so close that they don't even need words.  A look speaks volumes.  

 It went on to suggest that we shout in anger, even when we're physically close, because our hearts have become distant, so don't say things that will distance each other even more, or there may come a time when the distance is so great that you can no longer hear each other, or you won't find the path to return.

Wise words.


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## hollydolly (Aug 19, 2020)

I do the opposite when I'm angry, I get quieter and quieter... speaking through gritted teeth really..


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## Uptosnuff (Aug 19, 2020)

My first thought about what I shout when I'm angry is not about people, it's about when I hit myself with a hammer, or when I accidentally break something valuable or when I stub my toe.  When I'm angry at myself, swear words pop out.

When I'm angry at loved ones, it different.  Swear words don't usually pop out.  My tone of voice will change and I might say their name in a snarky way.  It all depends on what I'm angry at, really.


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## Camper6 (Aug 19, 2020)

I'm bad for that.  I shout when I'm angry.  I even shout at the t.v. But it's not all bad.  The security people come running when they hear someone shouting and rescue me.


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## JaniceM (Aug 19, 2020)

I've never been a shouter.  My parents and siblings weren't, and my kids aren't either.


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## Pecos (Aug 19, 2020)

When you have "Mastered The Look", you rarely ever have to shout. At least that is what my children have told me.

One of the Admirals that I worked for had an absolutely formidable look that could freeze you right down to the tips of your toes. I experienced it a couple of times myself and it was not my idea of fun. On the plus side, we were in South Korea and one of his duties was to be the American representative at the bi-weekly (Peace Village) meetings with the representatives from North Korea. He didn't need to raise his voice and I can easily imagine those North Korean Generals being frozen in place by that Glare long after the meetings were over.

Now I do shout, with liberal profanity, when I drop something on my foot or hit a finger with a hammer. For some reason, hand tools don't respond to the "look."


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## 911 (Aug 19, 2020)

I attended a class on “Dealing With Angry People.” The presenter, who was a psychologist said the reason people yell during an argument is caused by a few reasons. Loss of emotions, to gain control of the conversation or to gain control of the other person.

I couldn’t tell you the last time that I yelled at anyone. I believe in the old saying, “Walk softly and carry a big stick.”  (Just kidding.)


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## win231 (Aug 19, 2020)

I'm quieter when I'm angry.
I think people who shout don't have much to say, so they use volume instead of substance.


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## Aunt Marg (Aug 19, 2020)

This topic sure does bring back memories for me! LOL!

Whenever I'd lay the lay-down in our home (when my kids were little), I'd go on a shouting campaign! Slapping my hands together loudly while threatening a spanking or two.

By the time our last child had outgrow his baby/young childhood days, I had settled down, and approached discipline in a more calm and collected manner.

Husband and I never shout or raise our voices to one another.


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## hellomimi (Aug 19, 2020)

Pecos said:


> When you have "Mastered The Look", you rarely ever have to shout. At least that is what my children have told me.


This is how we were disciplined. No need for words, we get "the look" and we better behave.


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## Aunt Marg (Aug 19, 2020)

hellomimi said:


> This is how we were disciplined. No need for words, we get "the look" and we better behave.


I gave plenty of looks, too, even got good at them, but sometimes more was needed.


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## hellomimi (Aug 19, 2020)

win231 said:


> I'm quieter when I'm angry.
> I think people who shout don't have much to say, so they use volume instead of substance.


Me too. I'm not confrontational, I tend to clam up and those who know me are scared when I'm not talking... I cool off so I don't say anything I will regret later.


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## Pepper (Aug 19, 2020)

Frustration.


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## Aunt Bea (Aug 19, 2020)

I tend to get loud when I'm arguing with the people that I care about the most.

It doesn't bother me if they understand the point that I'm trying to make and disagree with me but it makes me crazy if I can't find the words to get my point across.

_“Don't raise your voice, improve your argument." _- Desmond Tutu


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## peramangkelder (Aug 19, 2020)

I don't like confrontation especially with my huz so instead of shouting I tend to stay quiet
Mind you I am probably seething with anger inside 
When my children were small and they got angry at me or each other I would whisper so they had to be quiet to hear Mummy
My son was the worst...it was always 'Why Mummy' 'Why Mummy' and I would try to explain in language he could understand
However when push came to shove I would answer with 'Because I'm your Mummy and what I say goes'....ever done that?


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## Aunt Marg (Aug 19, 2020)

peramangkelder said:


> I don't like confrontation especially with my huz so instead of shouting I tend to stay quiet
> Mind you I am probably seething with anger inside
> When my children were small and they got angry at me or each other I would whisper so they had to be quiet to hear Mummy
> My son was the worst...it was always 'Why Mummy' 'Why Mummy' and I would try to explain in language he could understand
> However when push came to shove I would answer with *'Because I'm your Mummy and what I say goes'*....ever done that?


Been there - done that, Peram! LOL!

Another one of my sayings once my kids got older was, "_so long as you're living under the roof of this house, you'll abide by the rules of this house_".

Also remember being badgered long enough, where I'd drop what I was doing, pick the child up in question, and whisk them off to their room for a little quiet and alone time until they smartened up.

So many things I miss about the younger baby and childhood days in our home, and then there are others that I never want to experience again.


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## applecruncher (Aug 19, 2020)

Anger, stress, hurt, frustration, let off steam, make sure people hear us...various reasons. But shouting doesn't help the situation.

When my niece and nephew were very young (5 and 2) I yelled at them for spilling something on my carpet.  They were frightened and hurt.    After comforting them I made a vow to never shout at them again - and I never did.


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## Camper6 (Aug 19, 2020)

How can anyone refrain from shouting when someone is interrupting you when you are telling a joke and getting it wrong as well?   Just let the guy do it?  It's always a guy.


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## hellomimi (Aug 19, 2020)

Camper6 said:


> How can anyone refrain from shouting when someone is interrupting you when you are telling a joke and getting it wrong as well?   Just let the guy do it?  It's always a guy.


Kill him...with kindness.


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## Keesha (Aug 19, 2020)

When I’m really angry I walk out. Too much friction isn’t good for the mind or soul.


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## Rosemarie (Aug 20, 2020)

When we are angry, the tension builds up. Shouting helps  to release all that pent-up emotion.


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## Linda (Aug 21, 2020)

I don't shout when I'm angry.  If someone is shouting at me I just talk quieter and quieter, that really frustrates them.  I don't engage with angry people for more than a few minutes, I remove myself from their area.


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## grahamg (Aug 21, 2020)

Linda said:


> I don't shout when I'm angry.  If someone is shouting at me I just talk quieter and quieter, that really frustrates them.  I don't engage with angry people for more than a few minutes, I remove myself from their area.


I've met someone who was like you, (my then wife!).

Absolutely deadly behaviour I agree, though I've noticed too, really able salespeople tend to draw folks in to engage with them, so this can be a really positive skill to try to learn. I did learn a little from one such boss, so that an encounter with my ex., (when she was an ex., if you see what I mean?), did not go all her way when she was treating me like an idiot!

Other than that I'm generally a "shouter", so there we are, and my father certainly had a loud voice, and was said to have caused a neighbouring farmer to shake in fear, though not because of any physical danger he was in, (my mum didn't back down from a confrontation, and in fact caused plenty, shouting if necessary along with the terrifying look!).    .


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## Lewkat (Aug 21, 2020)

My mother was a shouter, so I learned to shout back at her, but as an adult, I don't shout.  I hate shouting or yelling of any kind.  I usually get my point across with either a look or an acerbic remark that stuns the other party into silence.


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## grahamg (Aug 21, 2020)

Does this fit in here:
https://www.bolde.com/17-life-struggles-women-naturally-loud/


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## Camper6 (Aug 21, 2020)

A confrontation. And how you respond to it. Whisper get off my lawn or shout it? Which is more effective. Better shouting then fists or guns.


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## Ronni (Aug 21, 2020)

My ex....the abusive ex...had anger issues, and shouted a lot. He used anger and shouting to intimidate and control.  Raised voices have been a trigger for me ever since.


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## 911 (Aug 21, 2020)

While working traffic control (speed checks), I have been yelled at by more women than men by probably 2-1. One woman was so emotional that she actually began to choke. One woman that I handed a citation to yelled at me, “Just wait until I tell my husband.”


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## JaniceM (Aug 21, 2020)

911 said:


> While working traffic control (speed checks), I have been yelled at by more women than men by probably 2-1. One woman was so emotional that she actually began to choke. One woman that I handed a citation to yelled at me, “Just wait until I tell my husband.”


You should have replied "Oh, would he like to have a ticket, too?"


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## grahamg (Aug 21, 2020)

JaniceM said:


> You should have replied "Oh, would he like to have a ticket, too?"


My late father managed to pick up a speeding ticket aged ninety, doing just over the forty mile an hour limit, but at least not holding anyone up hey!   .

I felt a sneaking admiration for his achievement, although he soon afterwards gave up driving, as he was very dodgy moving off at intersections, and kept saying "whats he blaring his car horn about", when he cut them up.    !


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## Phoenix (Aug 21, 2020)

"He who truly knows has no occasion to shout".  Leonardo


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## Butterfly (Aug 22, 2020)

My mother was a master of "the look."  It could turn you to stone in about a tenth of a second.


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## Phoenix (Aug 22, 2020)

Butterfly said:


> My mother was a master of "the look."  It could turn you to stone in about a tenth of a second.


Was she that way in general or just when someone got out of line?


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## Autumn (Aug 22, 2020)

I think I tend to shout when I feel that I'm not being heard, when the other person ignores what I say and keeps driving home their own agenda.  Obviously, shouting isn't going to make them behave differently, I think it's just an instinctive response.


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## Phoenix (Aug 22, 2020)

Autumn said:


> I think I tend to shout when I feel that I'm not being heard, when the other person ignores what I say and keeps driving home their own agenda.  Obviously, shouting isn't going to make them behave differently, I think it's just an instinctive response.


I've found that when I shout to be heard, I am heard less.  Yes, it can be instinctive.


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## Pinky (Aug 22, 2020)

Growing up with an angry father, I promised myself that if I were ever to have children, I would never shout. All it does, is instill fear and close the lines of communication.

My second husband was a shouter .. so was his ex-wife. I saw what it did to his grown children.


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## Phoenix (Aug 22, 2020)

Pinky said:


> Growing up with an angry father, I promised myself that if I were ever to have children, I would never shout. All it does, is instill fear and close the lines of communication.
> 
> My second husband was a shouter .. so was his ex-wife. I saw what it did to his grown children.


We often tend to take a little misery and pass is on.  It's good you broke the cycle.


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## Gaer (Aug 22, 2020)

I came from a quiet, Norse family and my Mother had a soft,melodic voice.  My Father had a cheerful, calm voice.  I'd never heard of yelling and intimidation until I married.  My first husband was like Ronni's husband , abusive.  I'll never be in that type of situation again.  
If a disagreement is warrented, isn't the whole purpose to better understand each other?  This can be done in gentle conversation.


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## grahamg (Aug 22, 2020)

Gaer said:


> I came from a quiet, Norse family and my Mother had a soft,melodic voice.  My Father had a cheerful, calm voice.  I'd never heard of yelling and intimidation until I married.  My first husband was like Ronni's husband , abusive.  I'll never be in that type of situation again.
> If a disagreement is warrented, isn't the whole purpose to better understand each other?  This can be done in gentle conversation.


I was once told by some work colleagues from the country, that protests in Norway are often held by participants standing in silence!

I can't imagine folk from the UK protesting without making a great racket, so our cultures are obviously very different.

My last point is though we may think parents shouting at one another or the kids is bad, those indulging "passive aggressive" behaviour, giving family members the silent treatment or whatever, can be far more destructive psychologically.    .


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## Pinky (Aug 22, 2020)

grahamg said:


> I was once told by some work colleagues from the country, that protests in Norway are often held by participants standing in silence!
> 
> I can't imagine folk from the UK protesting without making a great racket, so our cultures are obviously very different.
> 
> My last point is though we may think parents shouting at one another or the kids is bad, those indulging "passive aggressive" behaviour, giving family members the silent treatment or whatever, can be far more destructive psychologically.    .


We always sat down to talk with our daughter about inappropriate behaviour, but that wasn't until she was a teenager. We're lucky she was a pretty good kid. I used to get the silent treatment from my older sister. It felt terrible.


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## Phoenix (Aug 22, 2020)

Gaer said:


> I came from a quiet, Norse family and my Mother had a soft,melodic voice.  My Father had a cheerful, calm voice.  I'd never heard of yelling and intimidation until I married.  My first husband was like Ronni's husband , abusive.  I'll never be in that type of situation again.
> If a disagreement is warrented, isn't the whole purpose to better understand each other?  This can be done in gentle conversation.


I didn't hear yelling until I married the first time either.  When Mom started arguing with Dad he went for a walk.  I think with some people, I know for sure that's the case with my first husband, it was about control...his need to control me.  It didn't work any more with me than it did with you.  I dumped him even though to do so I was risking eternal damnation according to the way I was raised.  I figured if God was that kind of jerk, He wasn't worth knowing.  It was "sinner in the eyes of an angry God."  Above all else to thine own self be true, Shakespeare said.


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## Gaer (Aug 22, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> I didn't hear yelling until I married the first time either.  When Mom started arguing with Dad he went for a walk.  I think with some people, I know for sure that's the case with my first husband, it was about control...his need to control me.  It didn't work any more with me than it did with you.  I dumped him even though to do so I was risking eternal damnation according to the way I was raised.  I figured if God was that kind of jerk, He wasn't worth knowing.  It was "sinner in the eyes of an angry God."  Above all else to thine own self be true, Shakespeare said.


Much pain, much harm and much misinformation has been given through organized religions.


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## Phoenix (Aug 22, 2020)

Gaer said:


> Much pain, much harm and much misinformation has been given through organized religions.


Agreed.  It destroyed many people I know.  One was my brother.  Spirituality and religion often take different paths.


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## Ronni (Aug 23, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> Agreed.  It destroyed many people I know.  One was my brother.  Spirituality and religion often take different paths.


I am very spiritual but even though I was raised Catholic I am non-religious.


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## Ferocious (Aug 23, 2020)

*I suppose I've got nothing to shout about, I must be boring. Just the other day, the most beautiful girl was sat on my sofa, I was making all kinds of overtures towards her, but she just kept on painting her nails, she had headphones clamped on her napper too, while chewing away on a mouthful of toffee.............I think she fancied me though. *


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## Gary O' (Aug 23, 2020)

hollydolly said:


> I do the opposite when I'm angry, I get quieter and quieter...


Yeah, that's me

Unless it's at something I'm working on, like a fixture or stubborn piece of wood

Then it's something like;

*'YOOOOO ......WHORE!!!'*

it's good to live in the woods
Neighbors might take that wrong


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## Ronni (Aug 23, 2020)

Gary O' said:


> Yeah, that's me
> 
> Unless it's at something I'm working on, like a fixture or stubborn piece of wood
> 
> ...


I assume the ellipses represent the many colorful adjectives you use to describe the noun.


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## charry (Aug 23, 2020)

I cry when im angry......that’s my outlet !!     Then I feel better !!


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## JaniceM (Aug 23, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> I didn't hear yelling until I married the first time either.  When Mom started arguing with Dad he went for a walk.  I think with some people, I know for sure that's the case with my first husband, it was about control...his need to control me.  It didn't work any more with me than it did with you.  I dumped him even though to do so I was risking eternal damnation according to the way I was raised.  I figured if God was that kind of jerk, He wasn't worth knowing.  It was "sinner in the eyes of an angry God."  Above all else to thine own self be true, Shakespeare said.


Consider, though, that often the real wrong is the way it's presented.


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## JaniceM (Aug 23, 2020)

Gaer said:


> I came from a quiet, Norse family and my Mother had a soft,melodic voice.  My Father had a cheerful, calm voice.  I'd never heard of yelling and intimidation until I married.  My first husband was like Ronni's husband , abusive.  I'll never be in that type of situation again.
> *If a disagreement is warrented, isn't the whole purpose to better understand each other?  This can be done in gentle conversation.*



Unfortunately, for some people the whole purpose is to "win."


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## Phoenix (Aug 23, 2020)

charry said:


> I cry when im angry......that’s my outlet !!     Then I feel better !!


It's good it works for you.  For me, I don't cry because stereo-typically too many women have used that to get their own way.  I meditate.


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## Pepper (Aug 23, 2020)

I thought I was angry a few moments ago, but I realized I wasn't.  I was hurt.  
Sometimes Anger hides other feelings.


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## Phoenix (Aug 23, 2020)

Pepper said:


> I thought I was angry a few moments ago, but I realized I wasn't.  I was hurt.
> Sometimes Anger hides other feelings.


That's how it usually is for me.


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## Camper6 (Aug 23, 2020)

When you shout when you are angry it sends a message that you are thoroughly pissed off so stay away. It's in our genes. The ones that don't shout have evolved farther from the ape man ancestors.


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## ClassicRockr (Aug 23, 2020)

I have a tendency to raise my voice, which sounds better than saying "shout or yell", when I'm angry. Now, my wife, who has a sensitive personality, and, at times "overly" one, so when she gets angry, she can raise her voice and cry as well. Thank God, I'm able to calm her down and tell her "I'm sorry, I love you", if I create the anger she gets.

Since my working environments have been pretty different than hers, I have a tendency to raise my voice over a tv, A/C and other loud things around me. My wife hasn't worked around machinery, forklifts or in other loud places. 

She doesn't like confrontation, if she can help it, but confrontation doesn't bother me. However, I do know who, and who not to, confront.


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## Phoenix (Aug 23, 2020)

ClassicRockr said:


> I have a tendency to raise my voice, which sounds better than saying "shout or yell", when I'm angry. Now, my wife, who has a sensitive personality, and, at times "overly" one, so when she gets angry, she can raise her voice and cry as well. Thank God, I'm able to calm her down and tell her "I'm sorry, I love you", if I create the anger she gets.
> 
> Since my working environments have been pretty different than hers, I have a tendency to raise my voice over a tv, A/C and other loud things around me. My wife hasn't worked around machinery, forklifts or in other loud places.
> 
> She doesn't like confrontation, if she can help it, but confrontation doesn't bother me. However, I do know who, and who not to, confront.


I don't like confrontation either.  Generally it turns out badly.  If someone confronts me all the time, I back away, and while I may not say much, underneath it all I may be seething.  I find other ways to get over it.  When things calm down and during the quiet moments that's the time to address what's wrong.   It's good you apologize.  The "overly sensitive" part is probably related in part at least to estrogen.  The shouting could be related to testosterone.  That which makes the differences in the sexes appealing also often creates unnecessary misunderstanding until we learn how to handle it....at least that's how it seems to me.


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## Pepper (Aug 23, 2020)

Pepper said:


> I thought I was angry a few moments ago, but I realized I wasn't.  I was hurt.
> Sometimes Anger hides other feelings.


I apologize for quoting myself, but I realize when I'm hurt and take it for anger I believe I am angry with myself as I've given you (generically) the power to hurt me.

eta--that I gave up my power and gave it to you.  Sorry, sounding confused maybe, but it is a deep subject.


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## Phoenix (Aug 23, 2020)

Pepper said:


> I apologize for quoting myself, but I realize when I'm hurt and take it for anger I believe I am angry with myself as I've given you (generically) the power to hurt me.


I remember hearing that kind of things years back, that when someone hurts us, we have given them that power over us.  While I believe in someways that's true, I also think that if we don't allow for our natural reactions to something, it damages us.


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## Pepper (Aug 23, 2020)

In my experience, when I express anger, that's what I get in return, and that is true for personal as well as other situations.


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## Pepper (Aug 23, 2020)

Then anger begets anger begets anger and so on and so forth.


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## Phoenix (Aug 23, 2020)

Pepper said:


> Then anger begets anger begets anger and so on and so forth.


Yes.  That's how it works.  I get tired of the endless circle.  I divorced two husbands who tried to control me with their anger.


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## Gary O' (Aug 23, 2020)

Ronni said:


> I assume the ellipses represent the many colorful adjectives you use to describe the noun


Well, yes...yes, the effing missing adjectives
Of course the blue color represents the air around me

Hollering guttural words laced with the letters 'G' and D', and of course 'F' are very therapeutic 
when venting


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