# Divorced Men/Women Who Are Bitter



## ClassicRockr

I guess a bad previous marriage can turn some man or woman totally against the opposite sex. 
I've heard these statements before: 
"I don't want a man!" 
"I don't want a woman!" 
"I'm perfectly fine on my own!"
"I absolutely don't want a man (or woman) telling me what to do or what not to do!"
"I don't want to tell someone whenever I want to do something!"  
"Get married again, oh He** no!"

 Three 55 Plus ladies where we live seem to really have this attitude towards men. At times, when wife and/or I have talked to them, they seem so bitter. They aren't this way with their single/divorced female friends, but when it comes to men.........two words come to my mind that they will think to themselves, "stay away!" One lady was still married, but hubby lived in different state, but would visit her once a month. Reason for "living in another state" was that he worked there. He couldn't find a job in the area where she worked/lived. She told us that he had bought a fishing boat, just after they had moved here and "I hated that boat" she told wife and I. She would "trash talk" men around me to the point where I had to tell her "enough is enough with downgrading men" and I walked away. Her husband ended up getting very sick and passing away. Anyway, was sure glad to see two of these ladies move out! 

I knew a guy that managed the storage area where our boat is and he basically never had anything nice to say about women. He called them "whores" when talking to me about any women he knew. I would ask him if he could find a nicer word and he said "nope, that's what all women are to me". I got to the point where I wouldn't talk to him anymore in his office. He doesn't work there anymore and I sure don't miss him.

So, I really wonder why there are men and women who seem so bitter towards the opposite sex? Wife and I have been thru two divorces before we met and we sure weren't bitter like this. Guess we didn't go thru the kind of divorces these "bitter" men and women have.

Have you ever know someone this bitter about the opposite sex? 

You feelings?


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## Twixie

Yes..when I split up from my husband I met a man who did nothing but talk about his ex..what a cow she was..how much he had ripped him off for...he ended up being quite disrespectful...so I left him alone..to talk to himself..


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## ClassicRockr

Bravo for you, Twixie! Definitely "Bravo"!



Twixie said:


> Yes..when I split up from my husband I met a man who did nothing but talk about his ex..what a cow she was..how much he had ripped him off for...he ended up being quite disrespectful...so I left him alone..to talk to himself..


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## Twixie

There was so much hurt..so many misunderstandings..I suppose it was his Macho way of dealing with it..

Didn't want to be seen crying!


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## ClassicRockr

BTW, my SIL (69) seems to be both bitter and very happy at the same time. 

Bitter b/c she thought she'd be married for life, even with the problems she had in her marriage. Divorce hasn't happened yet, but her hubby moved out b/c of his health and she says that she can't take care of him. Actually the "move" was agreed on by both of them and she helped him find a place to live where he'd get medical attention when he needed it. I noticed, and I was the only one who did notice, that she wasn't wearing her wedding set when wife and I met up with her and our niece's family in Orlando a couple of years ago. My wife, her brother, the niece and her husband didn't notice the wedding set gone from her hand.  

"Very Happy", b/c she doesn't have to listen to him complain to her about clearing out her old e-mails on the computer and clearing voice messages on her phone. We've called her before and couldn't leave a message because her V/M was full. He told us that she would push the wrong keys and mess up their computer also. "Very Happy", b/c when she goes anywhere nowadays, she told us "I don't have to tell him where I'm going or when I'm coming home". She hangs out quite a bit with her single, some divorced, girlfriends. 

And, yes, she would "trash talk" her husband at times. 

A lot of times I think she doesn't like talking to me b/c I'm a male.


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## hollydolly

Twixie said:


> Yes..when I split up from my husband I met a man who did nothing but talk about his ex..what a cow she was..how much he had ripped him off for...he ended up being quite disrespectful...so I left him alone..to talk to himself..



I met a guy exactly like that. Nothing had been his fault, everything had been his (2) ex wives fault, and he spent every minute talking about how horrible and evil they were, and how they'd both had him arrested for spousal abuse ( all invented by them of course) and how they wouldn't let him see his kids . We were on a first date..and under a supposed jokey comment he made 2 derogatory comments about me,  God almighty I couldn't get away from him fast enough:eeew::danger:


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## ClassicRockr

Another thing about this Thread, don't even think about telling one of these bitter men or women that you are in a nice/happy marriage! I've been told "well, good for you" said very sarcastically. One thing for sure, they don't want to hear about any "nice/happy marriage".


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## SeaBreeze

I've met some people who were done pretty dirty by their ex's, maybe even from getting taken financially in the divorce.  They were definitely against the opposite sex, and had much distrust, l always figured their opinion would change when they found a nice person to start a relationship with.

I did know a lady who was a senior at the time, and her husband passed on.  She didn't hate him, or other men, but she did voice that she wanted to spend the rest of her years on her own, and enjoy the freedom she never had when she had the responsibility of her husband and children for most of her life.  I can understand that.


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## AprilT

Well, I'll speak from the perspective of a woman that has been divorced for more than a two decades, I've since been engaged, and in several lovely relationships beyond that time, but, presently, I am perfectly content not to be involved with anyone or to ever get married again.  I don't hate men, but, yes, I don't need to have one occupy my space.  It has nothing to do with hating the opposite sex, I rather enjoy the company of men as long as they go home to their own space when I'm done with them.  LOL  I'm still capable of falling head over heels, I've had several strong crushes here and there, but, nope, I'm too cranky to want anyone up under me 24/7.  Need and want, two very different things.


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## ClassicRockr

When I had that "freedom", from a divorce, I only liked it for the first 6 months of the divorce. But, then again, I, like my wife, hated being single (thru divorce) and that is one major thing that we had compatibility in........hated being single.


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## ClassicRockr

Sort of funny, but the one lady who moved out, same age as my wife (66), told wife and I a few times "I'm a bit** and proud of it". I looked at her and said "why do you look at yourself like that?" and she said "because I am". Conversation ended at that. Later I told my wife, "I can just imagine what would happen if she met a really nice guy. Seem to me the only kind of guy she would get along with would have to be an a**hole." I was just looking at it the way this lady talked. 



AprilT said:


> Well, I'll speak from the perspective of a woman that has been divorced for more than a two decades, I've since been engaged, and in several lovely relationships beyond that time, but, presently, I am perfectly content not to be involved with anyone or to ever get married again.  I don't hate men, but, yes, I don't need to have one occupy my space.  It has nothing to do with hating the opposite sex, I rather enjoy the company of men as long as they go home to their own space when I'm done with them.  LOL  I'm still capable of falling head over heels, I've had several strong crushes here and there, but, nope, I'm too cranky to want anyone up under me 24/7.  Need and want to very different things.


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## AprilT

Sir, are you call me a b.    Won't be the first time someone has.  LOL   But, no, I like kind, men strong of mind, last guy I had and still have a bit of a crush on was someone I was working a volunteer event with, he's a wonderful man in so many ways, but, we wouldn't ever work out in a relationship.  I've met the woman he finally ended up with and she's a very intelligent seemingly strong woman in her own right, but, very submissive to him.


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## ClassicRockr

Have to admit, some of what you say here, sounds exactly like the three ladies I talked about. Only thing is, those ladies didn't want anything at all to do with men.........not even totally on THEIR terms (the ladies). 

Funny, but some folks would say that wife and I were too "needy" when we met. Actually, that "neediness" is what brought us together and we both know that. I was a "marriage minded man" that got VERY lucky and met a "marriage minded lady".  



AprilT said:


> Well, I'll speak from the perspective of a woman that has been divorced for more than a two decades, I've since been engaged, and in several lovely relationships beyond that time, but, presently, I am perfectly content not to be involved with anyone or to ever get married again.  I don't hate men, but, yes, I don't need to have one occupy my space.  It has nothing to do with hating the opposite sex, I rather enjoy the company of men as long as they go home to their own space when I'm done with them.  LOL  I'm still capable of falling head over heels, I've had several strong crushes here and there, but, nope, I'm too cranky to want anyone up under me 24/7.  Need and want, two very different things.


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## AprilT

Well, I've lived through more bumps and endured more than many the average person, so I've had to grow a tough skin, if I seem a bit of a b, I feel I earned it and have no shame in that veneer.  I like men, just am not needy when it comes to being in a relationship of such kinds.  My only longings are for the closeness of great platonic friendships in general and that can be with both men and woman now friendships, even if it's just one or two persons, that I need.  




ClassicRockr said:


> Have to admit, some of what you say here, sounds exactly like the three ladies I talked about. Only thing is, those ladies didn't want anything at all to do with men.........not even totally on THEIR terms (the ladies).
> 
> Funny, but some folks would say that wife and I were too "needy" when we met. Actually, that "neediness" is what brought us together and we both know that. I was a "marriage minded man" that got VERY lucky and met a "marriage minded lady".


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## ClassicRockr

NO, no, no. Remember, this lady called herself a "b" when talking to wife and I. 
Another area that you sound like these ladies here...........the word I use is "strong minded". I told one lady that she reminded me of a Marine Drill Sargent and she agreed.
When I was single/divorced, I met a couple of ladies that said to me, not exactly in these words, but close........"It's my way or the highway!" Well, I took the highway! 
Wife and I are both "submissive" to each other. Works for us. She's definitely not a "toughie", but when it comes to a credit card charge that she disagrees with, the "toughie" can come out. 



AprilT said:


> Sir, are you call me a b.    Won't be the first time someone has.  LOL   But, no, I like kind, men strong of mind, last guy I had and still have a bit of a crush on was someone I was working a volunteer event with, he's a wonderful man in so many ways, but, we wouldn't ever work out in a relationship.  I've met the woman he finally ended up with and she's a very intelligent seemingly strong woman in her own right, but, very submissive to him.


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## Twixie

hollydolly said:


> I met a guy exactly like that. Nothing had been his fault, everything had been his (2) ex wives fault, and he spent every minute talking about how horrible and evil they were, and how they'd both had him arrested for spousal abuse ( all invented by them of course) and how they wouldn't let him see his kids . We were on a first date..and under a supposed jokey comment he made 2 derogatory comments about me,  God almighty I couldn't get away from him fast enough:eeew::danger:



Yes Hollydolly..you can feel the aggression..can't you?


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## ClassicRockr

BTW, my wife does like it when I say "no".......because it saves us money. But, I don't say "no" all the time. No way! I kid with folks and tell them "she has a heck of a right hook and I don't want to feel it". My wife will laugh and say "no way".

Both of us went thru some hard times in our previous marriages, but it definitely didn't make us "hard"......for-to-say. Did find out, before she moved, the one lady told us that there was some "spousal abuse" in her marriage, but that was all she said to us. A reason to be the way she was, yes, but perhaps she got "too tough" on the inside.


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## AprilT

LOL!  I take no offense, I do tend to have a tough shell to some degree, but I'm quite the softie and am very feminine for the most part.  I like how you say you and the wife are submissive to each other, that's sweet.  I can be pliable to the right guy as long as he knows when to yield as well.  Like how King Leonidas was with Queen Gorgo in 300   Love when that man would bend on his knees to his queen.  ha, ha, ha,.  They each had their place of leadership neither were weak within that union.  



ClassicRockr said:


> NO, no, no. Remember, this lady called herself a "b" when talking to wife and I.
> Another area that you sound like these ladies here...........the word I use is "strong minded". I told one lady that she reminded me of a Marine Drill Sargent and she agreed.
> When I was single/divorced, I met a couple of ladies that said to me, not exactly in these words, but close........"It's my way or the highway!" Well, I took the highway!
> Wife and I are both "submissive" to each other. Works for us. She's definitely not a "toughie", but when it comes to a credit card charge that she disagrees with, the "toughie" can come out.


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## Vivjen

I was widowed 7 years ago; and believe me; I was very very angry.....
i have mellowed a little since then; but I still don't want a man invading my own selfish space.

Don't get me wrong; I enjoy men's company; if they are funny, helpful, intelligent etc; but they still can't replace him..


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## Twixie

Thing is...I don't want to start again..snogging at the front door..meeting their (sometimes) quite hostile family...I feel I have to wear younger clothes to impress them..What do they want??...Sex..companionship..I don't know them..it's scary..They have had a life before me that I know nothing about..

So instead I sit with a box of chocolates..wearing pyjamas...no sweat!!..sorted...


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## ClassicRockr

Getting away from the "bitter" feelings can be done, but it does take time. For those that absolutely say "no" to a companion, they should stay single. When a person is very adamant against having a man or woman in their life, or marriage again, absolutely.........don't do it! 
My SIL acts like she is extremely happy being single and doing whatever she wants, whenever she wants and so-called "answering" to nobody........especially a man. Some men and women do call it "answering to a man (or woman)" while I call it being respectful. Sometimes, when my wife gets up from her recliner, I will ask her "where you going" and she will tell me. No problem. If I go to the mail boxes in our complex, I will tell her "Honey, going to get the mail". She will say, "ok". That's it. If we have a problem, we don't run out of the apartment and slam the door, we take a little break, where I will go into the bedroom and shut the door, and in a couple of minutes, I will either come out or she will come in and we will talk. No yelling, just talk. After the talk, a hug, kiss and things are settled. To us, this is called "respect" and "love".


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## ClassicRockr

My hope is.........these men/women who have "bitter" feelings due to a past marriage, can somehow get over those feelings. 

I remember reading, and replying, to one member's Thread about "sharing life with someone". The way I see it, some of us have been in "not-so-good" marriages and, for some, this has really "soured" the feelings about meeting someone new to share things/life with. Fortunately, I never got those feelings and neither did my wife. We weren't afraid to "take a chance on each other" and it really worked out. 

I know that some single/divorced older people just want to stay single and not share things in their life with another man or woman. Guess that's just their "thing".


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## Twixie

A few years ago..I was involved in an abused women's charity..i would sit there listening to their horrific stories..I decided that a couple of them could do with a night out..One of these ladies had been severely beaten.and the other had been forced by her husband to commit the most disgusting sex acts for him and his friends..

We got into the bar and the band was about to start..when one of the ladies went white...''he's over there'' she said..''I've got to go!'' and left...5 mins later the other woman's husband walked in..So we both left..

The thing was that both these men were chatting and laughing as if butter wouldn't melt..


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## QuickSilver

I think that divorced men and women tend to be on the bitter side.  When I found myself single 12 years ago, I made it a point to date only widowers..  I found them to be less tainted and more interested in marriage.. which is the status I personally prefer.


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## AprilT

I'm not sure where these droves of bitter divorced people reside, I rarely encounter them, sure there are some, but, I wouldn't generalize and say divorced people are more so bitter than not.  I meet way more divorced individuals that have remarried or are out and about hoping to make another love connection.  I think sometimes as we grow older if we haven't reconnected some of us get used to having our own space and it just gets more comfortable to live that way.  The angry bitter individuals are out there, but their abundance is over exaggerated. 

Also, we've mostly heard women being discussed as the ones being bitter, but have you heard some of the things the bitter males say about their exes, oh my.   I've gone out on some dates and the check couldn't get to the table fast enough, it so nauseating listening to what some had to say about their ex-wives.  Unless there's some real need to go into a deep discussion about the divorce circumstances, I leave the past in the past.  Sometimes one person was the main culprit, sometimes both parties had some part in how things went bad, but, why dwell on the past.  Learn from it and move on.


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## QuickSilver

Yes... I have heard what men say about their EXs...   I had no desire to atone for another woman's sins so I didn't date divorced men.   Since I was widowed, I had the luxury of sticking with widowers.


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## Twixie

QuickSilver said:


> Yes... I have heard what men say about their EXs...   I had no desire to atone for another woman's sins so I didn't date divorced men.   Since I was widowed, I had the luxury of sticking with widowers.



Don't you find the ghost of their dead wives a tad annoying?


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## QuickSilver

Twixie said:


> Don't you find the ghost of their dead wives a tad annoying?



Not any more than the ghost of my dead husband..   It's obvious that one has to do their grieving BEFORE getting into another relationship.  However, widowed men that have had a happy marriage usually make pretty good husbands.. they've had practice and have a proven track record.


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## Twixie

QuickSilver said:


> Not any more than the ghost of my dead husband..   It's obvious that one has to do their grieving BEFORE getting into another relationship.  However, widowed men that have had a happy marriage usually make pretty good husbands.. they've had practice and have a proven track record.



I did date a widower once..but I found his family a little hostile...I took out his Granddaughter to buy her a new pair of shoes for school..she chose some red stilhetto's..when I said ''no''..she said, ''You're not my nanny!''...

I also found that when I was playing with them..they would get a bit rough..and if I admonished them..faces would fall..I felt like Cruella de Ville..


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## ClassicRockr

Now, those that aren't bitter anymore are those that have gotten over the bad marriage. Because my wife had been married to full-blown alcoholic/smoker for years, she was extremely happy to find out that I didn't drink much or smoke. 

And then, there are those men and women whose spouse died and they can't get over that (dying on them). They loved their deceased husband or wife so much, it's hard for them to go on with life. And, to a point, they are bitter/angry. 

When you, as a single/divorced person OR a widow/widower see and talk to a very happily married older couple........what do you think? "Nice for them, but sure isn't for me anymore" or "How I miss my wife/husband and how I loved being marriage." As for me, I'd shake their hands and say "great marriage you have!"


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## AprilT

I am always happy for others that are happy, coupled, married, single, divorced, whatever their circumstances if they're happy I smile and feel good for them.  But I do take offense when the other party makes a pass at me and I'm sure others of which has happened on another website that I participated on. So just because some seem and talk a good game of happy, which I see this one couple doing on that site, I'm sometimes leery of some unions.  ClassicRocker, that isn't directed at you, just your question reminded me of some couples I've had the displeasure of experiencing this with in the past.  Total bummer, because I really liked the wife and in the beginning the husband too till he kept sending private messages that were just too risque for casual friendly banter.  Now instances like that do sometimes sour my feelings for a moment or two.


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## Twixie

AprilT said:


> I am always happy for others that are happy, coupled, married, single, divorced, whatever their circumstances if they're happy I smile and feel good for them.  But I do take offense when the other party makes a pass at me and I'm sure others of which has happened on another website that I participated on. So just because some seem and talk a good game of happy, which I see this one couple doing on that site, I'm sometimes leery of some unions.  ClassicRocker, that isn't directed at you, just your question reminded me of some couples I've had the displeasure of experiencing this with in the past.  Total bummer, because I really liked the wife and in the beginning the husband too till he kept sending private messages that were just too risque for casual friendly banter.  Now instances like that do sometimes sour my feelings for a moment or two.



I'm sorry about that AprilT..I had the same experience on another forum..it was a mod..I received at least 30 e-mails from him a day..he was married and I made it clear I had a partner..it was awful..


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## AprilT

Twixie said:


> I'm sorry about that AprilT..I had the same experience on another forum..it was a mod..I received at least 30 e-mails from him a day..he was married and I made it clear I had a partner..it was awful..




Thanks Twixie.  I felt so bad for the wife, he was also someone that constantly made negative references to his previous wife including calling her the b word.  Not sure how the new one puts up with him, if only she knew what he was up to behind her back, but you know in such cases, it's pointless to say anything to the wife.  I just made it clear to the guy, I wasn't haven't it and the messages subsided.  I'm not sure how the mod on that site got away with it in your case, because even mods get regulated and all you have to do is notify another mod and he would have been talked to because they could read what was contained in those messages once informed.  If anything inappropriate was contained, he could have been removed as a mod.  Next time, I would suggest you report the mod.


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## ClassicRockr

I had a high school classmate that contacted me online thru some classmate website. I remembered her, but even in high school, was never interested in her. In the messaging area, she told me that she had been married/divorced, about her tattoos and how wild she had gotten after her divorce (not getting into deep details with me......thank God). I told her that I was happily married, but she didn't seem to want to hear that. Even though I told her again that I was "happily married", she asked me if there was a time we could meet. The lady lived in Indiana and I was in Colorado......meet??? Told my wife about her, and how she was talking to me online. Wife and I decided "enough was enough" and I stopped going on the website. Don't know what happened to her for a few years, but a few months ago, was informed by another classmate on Facebook that a friend of hers found her dead on the kitchen floor. I read her Obituary online and it didn't state cause of death. Wife and I were really shocked at how much she came on to me in the messaging area, even after I told her I was "happily married".



AprilT said:


> I am always happy for others that are happy, coupled, married, single, divorced, whatever their circumstances if they're happy I smile and feel good for them.  But I do take offense when the other party makes a pass at me and I'm sure others of which has happened on another website that I participated on. So just because some seem and talk a good game of happy, which I see this one couple doing on that site, I'm sometimes leery of some unions.  ClassicRocker, that isn't directed at you, just your question reminded me of some couples I've had the displeasure of experiencing this with in the past.  Total bummer, because I really liked the wife and in the beginning the husband too till he kept sending private messages that were just too risque for casual friendly banter.  Now instances like that do sometimes sour my feelings for a moment or two.


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## Twixie

It was a while ago..he said he was an American cop...we had the same taste in music and used to send each other songs from our past..and laugh about where we were at the moment..He seemed like a nice guy..pretty soon everytime I logged on..he was in the chat room...(Yes OK..I know I'm stupid!)...
Then one day he started sending me quite passionate PM's..I told him to stop it..

2 days after that..my partner Paul had a stroke..(no connection)...I posted it on the forum..he e-mailed me saying he hoped Paul would die...

Then he said he had told his wife ''about us'' and they were getting a divorce..

Whaaat?

I pointed out to him that there wasn't any ''us''..

It was then that he accused me of breaking up his marriage..and from then on..things turned really dark!!


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## Twixie

And then you get other forums..run by a couple..they leave you alone at first..then they start introducing their ''Over 50's'' dating site..which seems to include ''Russian Brides'' for the men..and Bangladeshi's standing outside their chapatti stall for women..

How could I resist??


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## Happyflowerlady

I think that when a marriage ends, whether through divorce or from someone passing away , people go through strong emotions, sometimes sadness and sometimes anger; but with either feeling, there is a lot of pain.
Since we all want to avoid pain, often people make a decision not to fall in love again, or to marry again.  Some people work through this, let it go behind them, and go on with their life. They may meet someone new, make better choices, and have a happy new marriage.
Other people decide that they do not want to be married again, maybe they just enjoy the freedom of being single, or they make the decision for some other reason.


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## Butterfly

Divorce, Alligator Style:


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## Meanderer

HAHA!  Good one Butterfly!


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## jujube

I was happily married for 37 years and then my husband died.  After a few years, I was ready for a relationship again, so I started dating.  I met some of the most bitter men imaginable.  Whine, carp, complain about their ex-wives constantly....."I can't ever trust a woman again"...."I don't want to get hurt again"....."I don't think I could put myself in that position again".....   I just wanted to yell "Buddy, just put on your big-boy Underoos and get over it."  Did they really think they were the only people in the world who have had bad things happen to them?  I'm not saying that only men are like that; it's just that I haven't dated divorced women so I don't know what they have to say.  Maybe they're worse...but I doubt it.

So, I got the great idea of only dating widowers.  I mean, they didn't get divorced and hopefully they had a great marriage and would like to find love again?  Woo....worse.  "I feel like I'm cheating on my wife"....."I don't think I could ever love another woman"...."my kids wouldn't be happy with me dating and/or marrying again".  

So, I finally find a guy who I can get along with.  We made an agreement:  I wouldn't go on and on about how great a guy my late husband was and he wouldn't whine about what a bitch his ex-wife was.  Neither of us give a whoop what our (adult) kids think about the situation; they have their lives, we have ours.  Win-win.   We've been muddling along for over five years now; I think I hit the jackpot.  I know my single/divorced friends think I have!


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## Susie

BITTER! You've got to be kidding!
The day my divorce came thru was the happiest day of my life!
Also overjoyed when the 'ex' found a lovely lady.
What's wrong with being 'single' and 'free' for the rest of your life?
Sharing? Not I! Asking for permission to buy a dress, shoes, or travel around the world? Never!
(Have had some great friendships with Australian gentlemen, but sadly they've all gone to meet their maker).


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## ClassicRockr

What's wrong with being "single and free for the rest of your life"..........some Seniors, and younger, just like sharing their lives with a spouse. Wife and I hated being single! I was single/divorced for 21 years and HATED it! Depending on who a person marries, the word "free" is still there.......if that's the way a couple chooses their marriage to be. Only thing is, most people who want marriage and freedom together want to be both married and single at the same time. Some couples have just that, but that sure isn't what wife and want/have. We both love sharing. Asking for "permission" to do this or that......some  marriages are like that, while others aren't. My wife likes asking me "what do you think of this (or that)?" I tell her and then we BOTH decide. Don't bother us to ask each other about something to do or buy. A true, loving marriage is one where the couple makes decisions TOGETHER.  

Sounds like you had a rough marriage and now you feel free to do whatever you want, when you want with no questions asked. Since that is the kind of lifestyle you require, simply stay single. But, the men you meet should have the same feelings you have. 





Susie said:


> BITTER! You've got to be kidding!
> The day my divorce came thru was the happiest day of my life!
> Also overjoyed when the 'ex' found a lovely lady.
> What's wrong with being 'single' and 'free' for the rest of your life?
> Sharing? Not I! Asking for permission to buy a dress, shoes, or travel around the world? Never!
> (Have had some great friendships with Australian gentlemen, but sadly they've all gone to meet their maker).


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## Ameriscot

I had a friend years ago whose husband had an affair with their next door neighbour who was also her best friend.  He left her for the friend.  She had 5 kids.  It had been about 10 years by the time I met her, and she was still bitter!  

I was ready to party when I got both of my divorces!  Happily married now and fully intending to stay that way...at least until one of us dies. :distrust:


----------



## Susie

Thank you for your most thoughtful response, ClassicRockr.
Wish I'd had your insight and perception in my earlier days.
Quote: "But the men you meet should have the same feelings you have."
Did become very attached to a lovely gentleman, but was afraid of the age difference (10 years younger than I was).
When he committed suicide I was absolutely shattered; his death haunts me to this day!


----------



## Debby

Twixie said:


> It was a while ago..he said he was an American cop...we had the same taste in music and used to send each other songs from our past..and laugh about where we were at the moment..He seemed like a nice guy..pretty soon everytime I logged on..he was in the chat room...(Yes OK..I know I'm stupid!)...
> Then one day he started sending me quite passionate PM's..I told him to stop it..
> 
> 2 days after that..my partner Paul had a stroke..(no connection)...I posted it on the forum..he e-mailed me saying he hoped Paul would die...
> 
> Then he said he had told his wife ''about us'' and they were getting a divorce..
> 
> Whaaat?
> 
> I pointed out to him that there wasn't any ''us''..
> 
> It was then that he accused me of breaking up his marriage..and from then on..things turned really dark!!




That sounds like something you'd hear on a Dr. Phil type day time talk program!  That must have caused a few anxious moments on your part eh?  

Well you said it was a while ago, hope long enough that you can feel like you don't have to check for exits all the time.  And that's why I've said to my husband, if he dies before I do, I won't be 'looking' again.


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## QuickSilver

If someone you trust hurts you...it's one thing.   If someone you trust hurts your kids... it's quite another, and is usually unforgivable.  My first husband left me and our two boys ages 6 and 4 for another woman.   I truely believe that my children were the ones to suffer the most.. and there was nothing I could do.   That was nearly 40 years ago.   I have to admit that I STILL have less than positive feelings about my exhusband and his wife.  I fully believe that if it was just ME who was affected it would be quite different.. but hurting my kids was something that I simply cannot and have not ever forgiven.


----------



## Twixie

I agree QS..my first husband was taking my youngest son when he went to meet his ''bit on the side''

One day he said ''Daddy keeps kissing a lady..and she told me to call her Mummy!''

Grrrr.......:zombie:


----------



## AprilT

Twixie said:


> I agree QS..my first husband was taking my youngest son when he went to meet his ''bit on the side''
> 
> *One day he said ''Daddy keeps kissing a lady..and she told me to call her Mummy*!''
> 
> Grrrr.......:zombie:



Beyond unforgivable, but, we get past and move on and leave these things in the past because it's whats helping us set better examples for our kids and to heal our own souls in the process.  Nothing good comes from holding on to the old hurt.  I feel nothing but pity for my ex if and when I should ever have cause to recall my ancient past years of my marriage.


----------



## ClassicRockr

Sometimes I just wonder/curious if it's a past marriage or relationship that makes a person seem somewhat angry or something else. 

We have a single neighbor lady, in her early 40's, that told me, "I'd rather be around my dog than people". She does work, so she has to be around people then. She won't talk to me or wife unless we speak first.

Another single (but divorced) neighbor lady in her mid 50's seems to be a real "loner" also. We see her take her dog for a walk and have a smoke on her back patio, but that's it. We have talked to her, but she doesn't like my "outgoing/humorous" personality. So, we don't talk to her anymore. 

One thing for sure, both of these ladies love being single!

I have to totally AGREE with what AprilT says above my reply here.........about "moving on". Wife and I have completely "moved on" from our past marriages and relationships. Our marriage wouldn't be nearly as good as it is if we hadn't!


----------



## QuickSilver

AprilT said:


> Beyond unforgivable, but, we get past and move on and leave these things in the past because it's whats helping us set better examples for our kids and to heal our own souls in the process.  Nothing good comes from holding on to the old hurt.  I feel nothing but pity for my ex if and when I should ever have cause to recall my ancient past years of my marriage.



I agree with the moving on part..  I have had two more husbands since then.  I seldom give him a thought.. but when I do it's  "oh.. that bastard"  not  "Who?"

I don't believe that means I'm bitter..  and if so... So what?  I've never forgiven him and never will.. but I certainly have moved on with my life in the past 40 years.


----------



## Ameriscot

If I think of my first husband - the one who hasn't seen his sons for 33 years - my feelings are totally neutral.  Now the second pr*ck, err husband, I still wonder how I could be so stupid as to get together with him.  

I'm keeping this one!


----------



## QuickSilver

A certain amount of bitterness can protect you from making the same mistake twice..  lol!!


----------



## Denise1952

Yes CR, many of the people I've met over the years are bitter.  The only reason I have for not wanting to be married again is that I haven't met the right guy, not even anyone to date.  And some of the men I have gone to dinner with were bitter, and it was like they gave me the 3rd degree, seeing if I was "like" the X.

I think bitterness can cause a person to be sick.  I think a lot of emotions can cause sickness.  Whenever I feel bitter about anything, my moms words ring in my ears "don't be bitter".  Thanks mom


----------



## QuickSilver

I like bitter....


----------



## Cookie

QuickSilver said:


> If someone you trust hurts you...it's one thing.   If someone you trust hurts your kids... it's quite another, and is usually unforgivable.  My first husband left me and our two boys ages 6 and 4 for another woman.   I truely believe that my children were the ones to suffer the most.. and there was nothing I could do.   That was nearly 40 years ago.   I have to admit that I STILL have less than positive feelings about my exhusband and his wife.  I fully believe that if it was just ME who was affected it would be quite different.. but hurting my kids was something that I simply cannot and have not ever forgiven.



I know how that feels - my son was also the one who got hurt the most by my ex and even though it was a long time ago it was important for me to never trust him again, but it took a long time to learn that.


----------



## Ameriscot

QuickSilver said:


> A certain amount of bitterness can protect you from making the same mistake twice..  lol!!



Very true.  I learned the hard way, but at least I learned.


----------



## AprilT

People need to do what works for them, if being bitter feels right for some, I'm not to judge, I don't need it, anyone that has or will cause harm to me or mine, knows not to try it again or come near not so much for the fear of physical harm, but, they will pay a price.  Let go of my bitter feelings for sure, being stupid and repeating past relationships mistakes, not a chance.


----------



## QuickSilver

I'm not sure what  "Bitter " is..  anyone have a definition?  I personally don't care if my Ex lives or dies... so that's indifference..  BUT, I still think he's a miserable excuse for a human being..  IS that bitter?  It doesn't dominate my life nor does it affect how I relate to my husband or other people. ..  like I said.. What's bitter?


----------



## ClassicRockr

I have to admit, when I came home from work one day (1978) and most of the things in the apartment that my ex and I had were gone, I was bitter, angry, hurt......"all of the above", you might say. Her mother and brother had helped her do the moving. We also had a 2 year old little girl at the time. Some "red flags" had come up that I really didn't pay any attention to........."cheating" flags! She had been leaving our apartment some evenings and telling me she was going to her brother's to help him with some pottery stuff. Only thing was, she wouldn't get home til 3AM or so. Actually, it was her brother that had introduced her to this guy she was seeing. Guess her brother didn't like me too much.......LOL!

Anyway, it took me some time to get over the whole thing, but I did. One thing I did learn about her, she could get a temper! Luckily, no "knock down, drag out" fights ever happened. Now, the funniest part about her leaving me happened a few months later: Somehow the guy my ex was seeing got my new apartment phone number, called me from a payphone and told me that she had got mad at him and had torn his phone off of the wall. He asked me over the phone, "would you please take her from me? She has told me that she still thinks about you quite a bit". I said, "No way, she's all yours!"

After that phone call, I pretty much lost any bitterness, anger or hurt I had towards her. We weren't meant to be together and apparently it was the same thing for her boyfriend! Whenever I think about that phone call I got from that dude, I almost burst into laughter.


----------



## AprilT

QuickSilver said:


> I'm not sure what  "Bitter " is..  anyone have a definition?  I personally don't care if my Ex lives or dies... so that's indifference..  BUT, I still think he's a miserable excuse for a human being..  IS that bitter?  It doesn't dominate my life nor does it affect how I relate to my husband or other people. ..  like I said.. What's bitter?



For me, it's not holding on the the emotions connected to that person, I feel no anger when I think of my ex, I wish no harm upon him, I only feel sad that they are as they are, my emotion when I should ever lasp to a thought of the past, I think of the horrific things they did to me my feeling is sadness for them that they bankrupt of decency and humanity within self that they felt they had to resort to the ways in which they did to fill their void.

But here what it means in words you might find in a dictionary: spiteful, resentful, spiteful, having a chip on your shoulder toward the person.


----------



## ClassicRockr

Well, I'd never think that way (in red) about my ex b/c my wife now and I don't think that's the Christian way to think......for us. 

As for you question, "what is Bitter", simply as, some men and ladies that went thru really terrible divorces or lost a spouse that they really loved.  



QuickSilver said:


> I'm not sure what  "Bitter " is..  anyone have a definition?  I personally don't care if my Ex lives or dies... so that's indifference..  BUT, I still think he's a miserable excuse for a human being..  IS that bitter?  It doesn't dominate my life nor does it affect how I relate to my husband or other people. ..  like I said.. What's bitter?


----------



## Cookie

And here's a website on the subject of bitterness - quite long, but thorough, if anyone wants to spend time reading it.

http://www.charminghealth.com/applicability/bitterness.htm


----------



## Denise1952

I want to add that when a person is bitter, angry, resentful, it does affect those around them whether the bitter person knows/believes it or not.  Everyone "feels" these human emotions but when we let it take up too much space in our brain (as well as our hearts) we don't have room to love and allow folks to love us.

So it's a choice, doubt there's anyone here that couldn't dwell on the things others have done to hurt us, but I sure don't want to waste my chances for joy in my life.


----------



## AprilT

nwlady said:


> I want to add that when a person is bitter, angry, resentful, it does affect those around them whether the bitter person knows/believes it or not.  Everyone "feels" these human emotions but when we let it take up too much space in our brain (as well as our hearts) we don't have room to love and allow folks to love us.
> 
> So it's a choice, doubt there's anyone here that couldn't dwell on the things others have done to hurt us, but I sure don't want to waste my chances for joy in my life.



Yes, for sure, in the early stages when it all was happening, I had feelings of anger and wished to do some harm of my own to some of the exes; those feelings stayed with me for a good while, but, as time went on, any anger just subsided as I realized, for me it served no purpose in improving my psyche, my soul or the lives of those around me.  I'm distances from perfect, people still irk me and I will momentarily wish my foot to make connection with parts to be left unidentified.  But, once the moment passes, I'm done with thinking on the person by the next hour or day, though it will depend on the damage of the day they caused, it might take a moment longer or at least seeing them fall on their behind in a timely manner.  But mostly out of sight, out of mind.


----------



## QuickSilver

ClassicRockr said:


> Well, I'd never think that way (in red) about my ex b/c my wife now and I don't think that's the Christian way to think......for us.
> 
> As for you question, "what is Bitter", simply as, some men and ladies that went thru really terrible divorces or lost a spouse that they really loved.


'
What does the "Christian Way" mean?  Does it mean the "good" way?  AND does it mean non-Christians cannot be good?  Trust me.. some of the so called "Christians" I know are FAR from good.. 


 But anyway..   I don't think not caring about someone is bad..  I certainly don't wish bad things for him... I really don't care one way or the other.. and I know HE is not a very good person.


----------



## Denise1952

The christian way is widely known to be good and kind, no matter how we are treated.  It would be nice if all treated eachother that way, but even professing christians are not perfect.  It is still a good thing to shoot for, what Jesus taught, imo.  I'm sure there are other people through history that teach those types of morals.  If anyone thinks bitterness, anger, and hate is a better way, good luck with that.

Another thing is to keep an eye on our own behaviour, not others, because while we are pointing the finger at others there are 4 times that pointing right back at ourselves.  Some people work hard to spend their day looking for where every one else is screwed up.  If they do that, they don't have any time (or desire) to see where they are wrong.  They fool themselves into believing they are so righteous, and really, what others see in them is just, plain ick.


----------



## QuickSilver

When people talk about the "Christain Way".... it's the inferrance that people that do not practice the Christain faith do not have morals or do not behave as a Christain would.  It's insulting..   I cringe when I hear that statement.. Especially when so many Christains don't follow that code of conduct.    Morality, and rule of law, and ethics  were here LONG before the Christain faith developed..


----------



## Twixie

AprilT said:


> For me, it's not holding on the the emotions connected to that person, I feel no anger when I think of my ex, I wish no harm upon him, I only feel sad that they are as they are, my emotion when I should ever lasp to a thought of the past, I think of the horrific things they did to me my feeling is sadness for them that they bankrupt of decency and humanity within self that they felt they had to resort to the ways in which they did to fill their void.
> 
> But here what it means in words you might find in a dictionary: spiteful, resentful, spiteful, having a chip on your shoulder toward the person.



I don't feel bitter..I felt more..hurt..betrayed..

To give your love to a person..

They know your innermost secrets..

They held your hand whilst you were giving birth to your children..

And then you find they have cheated on you, and ask yourself if any of it was real..

You didn't know this person at all..


----------



## ClassicRockr

PLEASE "ease up" here some! Our feelings towards what we feel is ok to say or think and could be very different from yours. I said "Christian way" b/c that's the way we feel..........nobody was trying to offend you in any way. You don't practice the Christian faith, that's entirely up to you, but we try to. Don't always succeed, but try to. 

This Thread isn't about religion, so I'm sorry if I offended you in any way about even mentioning the word "Christian", but that's what wife and I are and darn proud of it.

I only pointed out what you said about your ex, in that reply, because it stunned me. Some people do get hurt terribly by an ex to feel that way, but I really never did and neither did my wife toward her two ex's. 

Heck, there are times that I plainly just get angry about something, but my wife has this "loving thing" about her that cools me down quickly. Among other things, I love her for that also. 



QuickSilver said:


> When people talk about the "Christain Way".... it's the inferrance that people that do not practice the Christain faith do not have morals or do not behave as a Christain would.  It's insulting..   I cringe when I hear that statement.. Especially when so many Christains don't follow that code of conduct.    Morality, and rule of law, and ethics  were here LONG before the Christain faith developed..


----------



## ClassicRockr

One thing I've learned about marriage is when "Red Flags" go up, NOTICE THEM and do something about them. A lot of men and women don't pay any attention to those "Red Flags" b/c of the deep feelings they have for their spouse. "Oh, they can't be doing that." and disregard what's going on. 

As for me, I should have NEVER married my ex in the first place. We came from two very different families/backgrounds. After my divorce, I dated a few other ladies that came from the same "Upper-Class" family that my ex did. I just THANK GOD, that those relationships didn't work out! 

As for my wife now, I think all of you know how our marriage and love is..........I talk about it enough!


----------



## Meanderer

CR has a good point, we should feel free to express our own opinions, without being overwhelmed by off-topic anger and bitterness.  Our own opinions are not snow, and your opinion is not a snow plow.  We all deserve to speak, and have our posts received with civility.
View attachment 11251


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## QuickSilver




----------



## AprilT

Twixie said:


> I don't feel bitter..I felt more..hurt..betrayed..
> 
> To give your love to a person..
> 
> They know your innermost secrets..
> 
> They held your hand whilst you were giving birth to your children..
> 
> And then you find they have cheated on you, and ask yourself if any of it was real..
> 
> You didn't know this person at all..



I understand and I had that and some unfathomable things done, and my anger and any feelings I had at the time were warranted, but, that's behind me and unless specifics of subject matters come up, I rarely ever even talk about exactly what was done, it was a lifetime ago, are there any residual effects? I would be amiss to say no, but anger and bitterness isn't one of them.  One of the things in life that has helped me is taking some time to study up on human behaviors.  I've gone on to have some fantastic relationships since those days, my not remarrying has little to do with the ex and more to do with just not feeling it in the way I needed to with those I've been in relationships since.  Though one or two red flags may have kept me from my last fiance and last possible cohabitant.  LOL  That's just lessons learned.


----------



## Twixie

AprilT said:


> I understand and I had that and some unfathomable things done, and my anger and any feelings I had at the time were warranted, but, that's behind me and unless specifics of subject matters come up, I rarely ever even talk about exactly what was done, it was a lifetime ago, are there any residual effects? I would be amiss to say no, but anger and bitterness isn't one of them.  One of the things in life that has helped me is taking some time to study up on human behaviors.  I've gone on to have some fantastic relationships since those days, my not remarrying has little to do with the ex and more to do with just not feeling it in the way I needed to with those I've been in relationships since.  Though one or two red flags may have kept me from my previous fiance and last possible cohabitant.  LOL  That's just lessons learned.



That's true..when I took my kids to see their father..I couldn't look him in the eyes..and when he tried to show me any affection whatsoever...I would be very angry..I am the sort of person you can cross once..but Hell..you don't cross me twice..

I did however, use what I had learned when choosing another partner..any doubts..similar behaviour..and out that door they'd go..

I believe there *is* a pattern in male behaviour..


----------



## AprilT

Twixie said:


> That's true..when I took my kids to see their father..I couldn't look him in the eyes..and when he tried to show me any affection whatsoever...I would be very angry..I am the sort of person you can cross once..but Hell..you don't cross me twice..
> 
> I did however, use what I had learned when choosing another partner..any doubts..similar behaviour..and out that door they'd go..
> 
> I believe there *is* a pattern in male behaviour..



There certainly is and also we are part of the equation, so have to watch our own behaviours to see what the draw, not always, but, sometimes may be.  If only we could divorce some family members.  LOL


----------



## QuickSilver

> I understand and I had that and some unfathomable things done, and my anger and any feelings I had at the time were warranted, but, that's behind me and unless specifics of subject matters come up, I rarely ever even talk about exactly what was done, it was a lifetime ago, are there any residual effects? I would be amiss to say no, but anger and bitterness isn't one of them.



This is how I feel...  I'm not angry.. and I'm certainly not bitter.. My God... that was over 40 years ago..  I'm pretty indifferent to his existence.  However, every so often, if there is a reason to see him, (we have 2 children and 3 grandchildren in common)...  I can't say I'm delighted...  I'm cordial..  that's about it.   AND I STILL do not hold a very high opinion of him.


----------



## Twixie

Strangely enough..I really disliked my mother-in-law..always watching me..criticizing..

When I'd divorced her son and took the kids over to see her..she was a different person..

We went out..sat along the beach..drank cold lemonade..and laughed and laughed..


----------



## Twixie

QuickSilver said:


> This is how I feel...  I'm not angry.. and I'm certainly not bitter.. My God... that was over 40 years ago..  I'm pretty indifferent to his existence.  However, every so often, if there is a reason to see him, (we have 2 children and 3 grandchildren in common)...  I can't say I'm delighted...  I'm cordial..  that's about it.   AND I STILL do not hold a very high opinion of him.



To tell you the truth..I am cordial..but if I had a baseball bat..I would knock the living daylights out of him...I get fed up with being ''cordial''...:mad2:

Too many questions left unanswered..too many deceptions...too much hypocrisy..

There..I've said it...


----------



## QuickSilver

Twixie said:


> To tell you the truth..I am cordial..but if I had a baseball bat..I would knock the living daylights out of him...I get fed up with being ''cordial''...:mad2:
> 
> Too many questions left unanswered..too many deceptions...too much hypocrisy..
> 
> There..I've said it...




My ex married the woman he cheated on me with.  When she died last year I went to the wake.  We had managed to be cordial through the years at family gatherings.  I also wanted to see my Ex-brothers-in Law who I dearly loved.  ANYWAY... he passed out at the coffin, and I had to assess him.. take his pulse etc..  I was fine with that... 

SO... about two weeks later, I get a friend request from him on FB..  I accepted.. and then he started PM'ing me and wanting to cry on my shoulder. (because I had been widowed 10 years prior)   I tried to console him, I gave him the link to a forum dedicated to widowed people,  but he wanted to talk to me.  Then after a while he started posting on FB about how he was looking for "companionship" and how much he missed having sex and that he didn't think he could ever find a woman to have sex with him again..   OK???  That was it!!   I defriended him.   Who wants to read that crap?    I felt sorry for his kids.. Mine and hers... how embarrassing for them.  Like I said.. he's a real piece of work.  AND he hasn't changed one bit.


----------



## Mrs. Robinson

Oh QS-that`s icky!! Have you had to see him since? If so,how did he act? Must have been awkward.


----------



## Twixie

QuickSilver said:


> My ex married the woman he cheated on me with.  When she died last year I went to the wake.  We had managed to be cordial through the years at family gatherings.  I also wanted to see my Ex-brothers-in Law who I dearly loved.  ANYWAY... he passed out at the coffin, and I had to assess him.. take his pulse etc..  I was fine with that...
> 
> SO... about two weeks later, I get a friend request from him on FB..  I accepted.. and then he started PM'ing me and wanting to cry on my shoulder. (because I had been widowed 10 years prior)   I tried to console him, I gave him the link to a forum dedicated to widowed people,  but he wanted to talk to me.  Then after a while he started posting on FB about how he was looking for "companionship" and how much he missed having sex and that he didn't think he could ever find a woman to have sex with him again..   OK???  That was it!!   I defriended him.   Who wants to read that crap?    I felt sorry for his kids.. Mine and hers... how embarrassing for them.  Like I said.. he's a real piece of work.  AND he hasn't changed one bit.



That's totally Yucky QS..couldn't he have waited till her flowers were dead..

You're right..Get rid!!


----------



## QuickSilver

Mrs. Robinson said:


> Oh QS-that`s icky!! Have you had to see him since? If so,how did he act? Must have been awkward.



NO fortunately, but our grandson will be graduating grade school next year so I anticipate I will have to see him sometime..


----------



## QuickSilver

Twixie said:


> That's totally Yucky QS..couldn't he have waited till her flowers were dead..
> 
> You're right..Get rid!!



Even his brother, who I still am in contact with was embarrassed.  He lives down south and he told me he was glad no one up here knows him because it was so embarrassing.   NO.. He has always only been about himself..  he is the only one whose feeling matter.  I think she really did me a favor way back when... but too bad my kids were collateral damage..  not that it mattered to either one of them.


----------



## Twixie

I haven't seen my ex for 10 years..we communicate on facebook..(if we really have to)..but I can't get over the feeling that his family are rooting for him..

And I am the one at fault..


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## Vala

I was married 45 years of my life and I will never marry again, but not for the reasons you stated.  Two reasons, one I enjoy being single and two it would not be a good financial move for me.  I would like to have a male friend to travel and watch movies with.  That is not going to happen because I don't go to place to meet anyone.


----------



## Cookie

I never see my ex as he lives in another country, keeps in touch via birthday greetings once a year by email - that's all. It took a long long time to stop being angry and hating him but now I understand why he was the way he was and feel some empathy for him, even though I can't trust him. It is very freeing to let go  of the past.


----------



## Vala

My sister is very bitter because he took all the money and bought a new home for him and his girlfriend.  The courts made him pay for that, she got almost $2,000. alimony a month, which was all of his navy pension.   My sis went off the deep end and has never been her old self.  Never laughs and is very hard to be with.


----------



## ClassicRockr

Sometimes a person really doesn't know, unless told, why a person seems to act bitter/angry. I've already mentioned a lady that lives next to us who is in her later 50's. She's been divorced for 20-some years and, from when we talked to her, she completely loves being single. We hardly ever see her doing anything except having her tv on (she has her blinds open), having a cigarette on her patio and sometimes walking her small dog. She doesn't smile or wave to us anymore, because she doesn't like me/my humor and doesn't understand at all why my wife would be married to someone like me (with the humor). She is a pretty "tough cookie" and shows it.

There's another single (divorced....don't know) lady in her early 40's that has told me that she simply doesn't like being around people, except of course where she works. She loves her dog and has told me "that's the only companionship I need anymore". The way she talks about men, relationships and marriage........"Been there, done that. No more", she's had some rough times. 

Heck, wife and I have had some "rough times" in previous marriages (2 each), but we sure don't feel/show bitterness/anger about the opposite sex or previous marriages!  

But, will say this: If one of us was to die before the other one, don't know how the one who continues to live would be. We both tell each other, "I'd be lost without you!"


----------



## Vala

I had two good husbands, of course each had his faults as did I.  The first one was more fun than anyone I have ever met in my life, but he cheated on me more than once, so I divorced him.  The second one was what I call an old world gentlemen and he was a second generation swede.  He was a bit cold, not affectionate as he was before marriage, but very loyal. He stood up for me the one time his daughter disrespected me.   The men in his family didn't value women as a help mate, more of a nuisance.  At Christmas they stayed in the laundry where they set up  a bar and the women stayed in the kitchen and living room.  When he had his first Christmas with my family, he looked a little confused.  I asked what was wrong and he said, they sit around together like he didn't know where he belonged.  It was a bit of a shock for him.  We were married 33 years.  Bitterness leaves no room for happiness.

Before my second husband retired, I would put funny cards in his sack lunch so he would smile and think of me.  When he retired and brought home his tool box, all of those cards were there.


----------



## Blaze Duskdreamer

What's right for you may not be right for some.

I'm one of those ladies and, yes, I am a bitch and PROUD of it.  Let me explain that:  I've found that the times I get called a bitch in life are either when I'm sticking up for myself or somebody else; therefore, yep, I'm proud as hell to be one.

What I am not is a man-hater.  I just don't want one.  I have no need of one.  I like the pleasure of my own company and the freedom of a solo life but as I opened this to you, I am well aware that what's right for me isn't right for most.  Most people seem to need a companion.  Lone wolves like me are really pretty rare.  I've always preferred a small circle of intimate friends that aren't too demanding on one another's time but know we are there for one another to a large circle of acquaintances.  And I am happier alone than I ever was with someone.  I am me and you are you.  Don't judge and I won't judge you.  In fact, I think it is sweet to see people in love.  Truly in love.  Who say I love you with a look or a small touch of their hand or by some tender thing done for the other.  It is sweet.  It is just not my cup of tea.

Am I bitter?  Yes, of course.  I married a monster and had to leave the home I love to protect his daughter from him and will be poorer for the rest of my life due to that so, of course, I'm bitter.  How could I not resent an unfair thing like that?  But I don't let it rule me.  I also learned what good actors the wolves in sheep's clothing are and don't trust my judgement and won't take a chance on one.  But it's more than that.  I like to be queen of my castle and I like not having to answer to anyone and just come and go as I please, eat when I want to eat, do things my way without consulting anybody else and making compromises with them when it isn't also their way, etc.  So it's not just that it turned out so terrible; it's also that being briefly married showed me marriage just wasn't for me.

I hate when people judge me for that and think I should give some nice fellow a chance.  Um, no.  Just no.  It's your cup of tea, not mine.  It wouldn't be fair to me or him because I quite simply am not willing to do the work it takes to make a ltr work and even the most loving of you admit that it does take work but even if you didn't, common sense says it does.

I don't date.  That's my choice.  I don't really care if anybody else can understand that or not.  My life is simpler and freer and happier for it and I am the one who has to live my life and do what makes me happy.


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## hollydolly

Good post Blaze...I'm sure many people could relate to that


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## ClassicRockr

First of all, I wasn't judging, only observing how some men and women act and possibly why they act that way. Some have told me they act that way due to a previous marriage. Anyway, if you want to call it "judging", that's up to you. There are people that do judge others all the time. Actually, when I was involved in pro rodeo, I was judged by Animal Activist. A local Sheriff's Dept. had to escort us guys past the Activist's to get in the gate to the rodeo grounds. We just passed them and smiled. 

Most of the time, I'm a happy/smiley/friendly dude. I just wish more people in society were like that! 

Some men and woman just aren't the "marrying" type and should never get married or marry again. Wife and I were never that way. We've both been thru bad marriages, but still knew that we'd get married again. We were just the "marrying" type. Luckily and/or by God's hand, we found each other.

It did shock us when the neighbor lady said she was a "B" and glad she was. We just couldn't understand why any lady would look at herself in that respect. She did tell us that some of that "B" comes from her previous marriage and abuse she went thru. We can understand that, or try to.........but STILL, a lady calling yourself a "B" and saying their proud of it, well, I just don't know. 

You enjoy being alone and say you don't want/need a man in your life..........your choice and nothing wrong with it (for you), but some women and men who love having a man or woman in their life and/or being married might wonder "why?" towards you and others that share your feelings.

Thanks for replying to my Thread.


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## Blaze Duskdreamer

ClassicRockr said:


> First of all, I wasn't judging, only observing how some men and women act and possibly why they act that way. Some have told me they act that way due to a previous marriage. Anyway, if you want to call it "judging", that's up to you. There are people that do judge others all the time. Actually, when I was involved in pro rodeo, I was judged by Animal Activist. A local Sheriff's Dept. had to escort us guys past the Activist's to get in the gate to the rodeo grounds. We just passed them and smiled.
> 
> Most of the time, I'm a happy/smiley/friendly dude. I just wish more people in society were like that!
> 
> Some men and woman just aren't the "marrying" type and should never get married or marry again. Wife and I were never that way. We've both been thru bad marriages, but still knew that we'd get married again. We were just the "marrying" type. Luckily and/or by God's hand, we found each other.
> 
> It did shock us when the neighbor lady said she was a "B" and glad she was. We just couldn't understand why any lady would look at herself in that respect. She did tell us that some of that "B" comes from her previous marriage and abuse she went thru. We can understand that, or try to.........but STILL, a lady calling yourself a "B" and saying their proud of it, well, I just don't know.
> 
> You enjoy being alone and say you don't want/need a man in your life..........your choice and nothing wrong with it (for you), but some women and men who love having a man or woman in their life and/or being married might wonder "why?" towards you and others that share your feelings.
> 
> Thanks for replying to my Thread.



Sorry. It sounded judgmental of bitter divorcees.  I realize saying you're proud to be a bitch sounds shocking and that's why I explained it.  Think about any time you ever heard a woman called that word.  What was she doing?  I forget who said it but there's also a famous quote that goes something like this:  I get called a bitch whenever I cease to resemble a doormat.  It's pretty much the truth, especially as I said when sticking up for either myself or someone else.  So I consider it a compliment even when it was intended to be an insult and take pride in not being said doormat and standing up for what was right.  Your neighbor probably means she came out of that bad marriage having to learn to stand up for herself.  I know my bad marriage had a lot to do with my having the courage to take on the world if need be.

And, yes, it's right for me.  It's not right for the majority of people.  Most people want companionship.  I love solitude interrupted by occasional social interactions.


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## 123Testing

I realize I'm new here, so I'm trying to tread carefully. Also realize this thread has sizzled. I just wanted to say about 'bitter'.... I'm divorced twice, and have remained divorced since 1992. Raised the 4 sons, as a single mom. Men didn't want anything to do with me, because I was a woman with 'baggage' (4 boys). I understand that. I really do. It was my own lack of solid judgment that now put myself into the 'unworthy' pile of dating. Then there was the elderly parents. Life was stressful. Was I bitter? YES! I was bitter at LIFE!

The boys grow up and leave the nest. The elderly parents both died 2008. For the 1st time in decades, I have a chance to live a life for ME! Guess what happened in 2009? I met the most wonderful man. He became my north, my south, my east, my west. He was my morning sun and my evening rest. He was my compass. I loved him so! We were making plans! We were going to sell our homes, and start a new life TOGETHER!

Then the Cancer call came. Next thing you know... well.... I'll spare you the details. He died Sept 2012. I know grief has many stages, but let me tell you.... BITTER was the one stage I couldn't get past. I was bitter at LIFE!

It's been over 2yrs now. I'm just now feeling like I might be ready to give dating a try again. Bitterness comes in many stages, for many different reasons.


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## SeaBreeze

What a sad story 123, so sorry for your loss.


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## Vivjen

With you all the way there, 123Testing.
I was with my 2nd husband for 5 years; it took me 5 more to stop being angry, feeling sorry for myself, etc etc,
I am now 8 years on; and apparently still have too much baggage; I am sticking with my widowed friends....female!


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## 123Testing

My dearest forum friends and Real Life friends made me promise them.... they demand that my 2015 New years Resolution be... <drum roll please>.... I promised them I would find some new forum groups to expand my horizons, and get myself out of the house, and into the real world more often. This forum group is my 1st step. Too wintry cold to leave the house.


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## Josiah

I seem to remember a recent thread about seniors which stated at the outset that woman were quite capable of satisfying their caring and being cared for needs through friendships with woman, but that men being the less resourceful gender needed a relationship with a woman and so were the chief beneficiaries of later life marriages. I think this is true and I'm surprised that more women don't cohabitate totally absent of any ****** element simply to enjoy the benefits of not being alone and the care and be cared for feeling plus the considerable advantages and efficiencies that come from living together.


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## Cookie

123 - your story shows that you have been through some awful times and are very resilient and brave - especially now as you are ready to embark on a new relationship again - maybe bitterness isn't the right word - maybe it is just plain grief at the losses, and you are right, grief has many stages, one of which is anger - I think it's very natural, healthy and human to feel this way.  For all of us who has been through the pain and loss of loved ones and broken relationships, broken homes, broken hearts and broken lives - to feel the pain and recover is the greatest victory and I wish you healing and joy.


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## ClassicRockr

Wife and I have talked about our previous marriages quite a number of times. I understand what happened in hers and she understands about mine. My ex is on Facebook, but we (wife/I) decided it be better not to ask to be "friends" with her and her husband. I love that she agreed with my decision about that. Doubt very highly my ex would even accept a "friends" thing from me anyway. 

We are both extremely glad that we didn't have any anger/bitterness towards our "ex's" when we met each other.  Definitely not a good idea to do. Like I said above, we've been able to talk to each other about our previous marriages, but don't show any anger at all when doing it.


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## Kath

I've been a member since last October but this is the first time I've seen this part of the forum.  I'm happy for those of you who are in loving, solid relationships/marriages.  I miss the togetherness of being half of a caring couple - my husband is now in a hospice facility but I took care of him before that.  I grew up in a big family where I was the oldest so I'm used to living where there is a fair amount of noise.  Now it's very quiet.  I'm now in my third marriage and it has certainly been the best of the three - first 2 husbands seemed like good fellows in the beginning.  First husband was a very successful person but turned out to be a problem drinker with a penchant for abusing women; second spouse had so many emotional problems, one of which was chasing after women in general.  

Subsequently, I saw that my ability to choose mates wisely was seriously flawed and decided to drop any further notion of marriage.  At that point, hubby number three showed up and we just had our thirtieth anniversary.  He has been in pretty poor health for a long time and has been in hospice care for awhile now.  I miss the fun times we once had and I sure miss his being here at home, but he is being very well cared for.  

I used to feel like a dumb idiot because I got married 3 times but I had to learn to like myself first before getting seriously  involved.  I finally learned this lesson which helped me make a better marriage the 3rd time around.  If you have a beloved someone with you, please give them all the love and hugs possible.  Every day you're together is a priceless gift!


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## SeaBreeze

Kath said:


> I miss the togetherness of being half of a caring couple - my husband is now in a hospice facility but I took care of him before that.  I grew up in a big family where I was the oldest so I'm used to living where there is a fair amount of noise.  Now it's very quiet.
> At that point, hubby number three showed up and we just had our thirtieth anniversary.  He has been in pretty poor health for a long time and has been in hospice care for awhile now.  I miss the fun times we once had and I sure miss his being here at home, but he is being very well cared for.
> If you have a beloved someone with you, please give them all the love and hugs possible.  Every day you're together is a priceless gift!



Kath, I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is in hospice, I can't imagine how you feel, my heart goes out to you.  I'm touched by your story and your advice to those of us who are fortunate enough to still have someone with us that we love, I agree, every day is truly a priceless gift. Hugs. :rose:


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## avrp

AprilT said:


> I'm not sure where these droves of bitter divorced people reside, I rarely encounter them, sure there are some, but, I wouldn't generalize and say divorced people are more so bitter than not.  I meet way more divorced individuals that have remarried or are out and about hoping to make another love connection.  I think sometimes as we grow older if we haven't reconnected some of us get used to having our own space and it just gets more comfortable to live that way.  The angry bitter individuals are out there, but their abundance is over exaggerated.
> 
> Also, we've mostly heard women being discussed as the ones being bitter, but have you heard some of the things the bitter males say about their exes, oh my.   I've gone out on some dates and the check couldn't get to the table fast enough, it so nauseating listening to what some had to say about their ex-wives.  Unless there's some real need to go into a deep discussion about the divorce circumstances, I leave the past in the past.  Sometimes one person was the main culprit, sometimes both parties had some part in how things went bad, but, why dwell on the past.  Learn from it and move on.



Exactly! The longer I'm alone and as I grow older, I'm more comfortable with my own company and love having my own space. Really not sure I could live with someone again unless he was super-special.
Co-workers used to bad mouth their spouses in front of me all the time. One time they made a derogatory remark to me about being single. I reminded them of how they talk about their spouse. Some said they would rather have a crappy marriage then live alone.
I'm with April....why dwell on the past. Learn from it and move on. I can't deal with bitterness....I wonder if these people are unhappy inside.


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## Kadee

The only thing I have to admit I was bitter about was the fact  my ex did not ever pay any maintance for the kids who were 4 years and 18 months old .at the time of separation.
He was involved in a religion the one who won't allow blood transfusions, and could afford to give them money, but couldn't as much as buy the kids a pair of shoes.
We split up because of the religion,and the reason was explained to me by  one of the elders in the church that he could no longer attend the church if I was in his life, and he choose them.
The reason all this happened was my youngest son ( who is now 40 years old) anyway he was in the old weights 10 pound when he was born, he grew very quickly into quite a chubby baby, then one day when he was 6 months old his hair fell out, not that he had much, the next day he was vomiting and could not keep a thing down, I took him to the doctors who admitted him to the hospital in the 10 days he was there he lost half his weight as all tests showed he had no infections or causes for the vomiting 
As they could not answer my questions about my son who was dying in front of my eyes I took him from the hospital and caught the next bus to Adelaide ( I was living in what we refer to as the Riverland at the time in a small town called Renmark about 250 km from Adelaide)   On arrival in Adelaide I was dropped at the hospital by the concerned bus driver late at night, I was informed my son had an hour to live if they didn't take some drastic action right away, they put him on a drip feeding him soy milk as they suspected he may have been allergic to Cow products.
I was given a room close to my son in the hospital to stay in, the next morning I received a call from the elder of the church that I had defied my husband in taking my son to Adelaide, and was not welcome home as I was a wicked woman,as I should have believed my husband That Jehovah would take care of my son.
I spent two weeks in Adelaide and when I returned I had an eviction order waiting for me to not enter the home.
The end is my son recovered it took many months and the doctors were correct it was purely he was allergic to cows milk and products today he is ahealthy 40 year old.
My ex passed away about 15 years ago


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## hollydolly

OMG Kadeee...what a horrible story. I'm so glad your son survived because of your fast reactions, but do tell us what happened after you got home and faced the eviction order,.. where did you go?


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## Ameriscot

123Testing said:


> I realize I'm new here, so I'm trying to tread carefully. Also realize this thread has sizzled. I just wanted to say about 'bitter'.... I'm divorced twice, and have remained divorced since 1992. Raised the 4 sons, as a single mom. Men didn't want anything to do with me, because I was a woman with 'baggage' (4 boys). I understand that. I really do. It was my own lack of solid judgment that now put myself into the 'unworthy' pile of dating. Then there was the elderly parents. Life was stressful. Was I bitter? YES! I was bitter at LIFE!
> 
> The boys grow up and leave the nest. The elderly parents both died 2008. For the 1st time in decades, I have a chance to live a life for ME! Guess what happened in 2009? I met the most wonderful man. He became my north, my south, my east, my west. He was my morning sun and my evening rest. He was my compass. I loved him so! We were making plans! We were going to sell our homes, and start a new life TOGETHER!
> 
> Then the Cancer call came. Next thing you know... well.... I'll spare you the details. He died Sept 2012. I know grief has many stages, but let me tell you.... BITTER was the one stage I couldn't get past. I was bitter at LIFE!
> 
> It's been over 2yrs now. I'm just now feeling like I might be ready to give dating a try again. Bitterness comes in many stages, for many different reasons.



How terribly sad!  Hope you can find happiness again.


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## Kadee

hollydolly said:


> OMG Kadeee...what a horrible story. I'm so glad your son survived because of your fast reactions, but do tell us what happened after you got home and faced the eviction order,.. where did you go?



To answer your question as to where I went, I moved into shed at my parents home 15 km away.
When all this happened I was working cleaning the home of the manager and his wife of the commonwealth employment office,they were aware of my situation and shortly after a house keeping live in job came up on a farm close to another small town in the area called Loxton, The  couple who I was working for  put in a reference for me and I got the job, where I lived for 11 years, I only left there after meeting my husband in 1986. 

The children were only 18 and 20 when their father passed away and I took them the service and call me rude you like but the lies that were told during the service were unforgivable,I could not help but let our a huh, a few times they went on what a wonderfull father  he was , he was remarried. For the fourth time but sepperated and his wife was not mentioned.

His coffin was not in the hall while the service was being conducted but parked by the toilets in the same building, yes call
Me bitter he got what he deserved, he passed away after doctors tried to slow his heart rate and it stopped it 
The religion still knocks on my door from time to time I'm afraid I'm not to polite to them , I have never been a person who uses foul language but I can still get the message accross to them to get lost,yes I still have some bitterness, and still remember the name of the " elder"who phoned me back in 1975. My son was born in October 1974


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## Kadee

V





Kadee46 said:


> The only thing I have to admit I was bitter about was the fact  my ex did not ever pay any maintance for the kids who were 4 years and 18 months old .at the time of separation.
> He was involved in a religion the one who won't allow blood transfusions, and could afford to give them money, but couldn't as much as buy the kids a pair of shoes.
> We split up because of the religion,and the reason was explained to me by  one of the elders in the church that he could no longer attend the church if I was in his life, and he choose them.
> The reason all this happened was my youngest son ( who is now 40 years old) anyway he was in the old weights 10 pound when he was born, he grew very quickly into quite a chubby baby, then one day when he was 6 months old his hair fell out, not that he had much, the next day he was vomiting and could not keep a thing down, I took him to the doctors who admitted him to the hospital in the 10 days he was there he lost half his weight as all tests showed he had no infections or causes for the vomiting
> As they could not answer my questions about my son who was dying in front of my eyes I took him from the hospital and caught the next bus to Adelaide ( I was living in what we refer to as the Riverland at the time in a small town called Renmark about 250 km from Adelaide)   On arrival in Adelaide I was dropped at the hospital by the concerned bus driver late at night, I was informed my son had an hour to live if they didn't take some drastic action right away, they put him on a drip feeding him soy milk as they suspected he may have been allergic to Cow products.
> I was given a room close to my son in the hospital to stay in, the next morning I received a call from the elder of the church that I had defied my husband in taking my son to Adelaide, and was not welcome home as I was a wicked woman,as I should have believed my husband That Jehovah would take care of my son.
> I spent two weeks in Adelaide and when I returned I had an eviction order waiting for me to not enter the home.
> The end is my son recovered it took many months and the doctors were correct it was purely he was allergic to cows milk and products today he is ahealthy 40 year old.
> My ex passed away about 20 years ago I really don't remember the exact time / date


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## Kath

I feel very sad for what you've had to go through, Kadee.  So many things you spoke of reminded me of situations in my own life.  Some of the horrible sting of the past starts to recede when focus changes from what happened before to a focus on all the possibilities going forward.  Every day spent thinking of past pain is only conceding to yesterday's adversaries.  Your spouse and his zealotry are now defunct so you don't have to spend one more minute of your life facing backward.  When my earlier marriage crumbled, I wrote out a list of things I was not able to do before. It was a really long list and included stuff like learning woodworking, changing jobs, going back to college, and finding a decent and caring person to love.  Writing that list helped push me away from the past pretty quickly and I started feeling hopeful for the first time in eons.  My present spouse is in hospice and when the time comes I'll most likely make another list.


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## Kadee

Kath said:


> I feel very sad for what you've had to go through, Kadee.  So many things you spoke of reminded me of situations in my own life.  Some of the horrible sting of the past starts to recede when focus changes from what happened before to a focus on all the possibilities going forward.  Every day spent thinking of past pain is only conceding to yesterday's adversaries.  Your spouse and his zealotry are now defunct so you don't have to spend one more minute of your life facing backward.  When my earlier marriage crumbled, I wrote out a list of things I was not able to do before. It was a really long list and included stuff like learning woodworking, changing jobs, going back to college, and finding a decent and caring person to love.  Writing that list helped push me away from the past pretty quickly and I started feeling hopeful for the first time in eons.  My present spouse is in hospice and when the time comes I'll most likely make another list.



Thank you for your kind words, I don't even really think,about the past or him,  but felt the need to express something when I seen the post. My daughter still has a photo of him up on the wall but I don't even mention him. He missed out on the children's lives and being involved with their schooling and sporting events, Grandchildren .The Son I mentioned won the state championship for his age in  judo when he was 13) The religion he was involved with also don't celebrate birthdays or Christmas so it was all his loss.


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## hollydolly

Kadee46 said:


> To answer your question as to where I went, I moved into shed at my parents home 15 km away.
> When all this happened I was working cleaning the home of the manager and his wife of the commonwealth employment office,they were aware of my situation and shortly after a house keeping live in job came up on a farm close to another small town in the area called Loxton, The  couple who I was working for  put in a reference for me and I got the job, where I lived for 11 years, I only left there after meeting my husband in 1986.
> 
> The children were only 18 and 20 when their father passed away and I took them the service and call me rude you like but the lies that were told during the service were unforgivable,I could not help but let our a huh, a few times they went on what a wonderfull father  he was , he was remarried. For the fourth time but sepperated and his wife was not mentioned.
> 
> His coffin was not in the hall while the service was being conducted but parked by the toilets in the same building, yes call
> Me bitter he got what he deserved, he passed away after doctors tried to slow his heart rate and it stopped it
> The religion still knocks on my door from time to time I'm afraid I'm not to polite to them , I have never been a person who uses foul language but I can still get the message accross to them to get lost,yes I still have some bitterness, and still remember the name of the " elder"who phoned me back in 1975. My son was born in October 1974




OH Kadee, I've just caught up with this thread and your reply to my question. My goodness who could blame you for being bitter about a man who caused you such unhappiness and difficulty in life for many years. How strong you were to get through it all , and what a toll it must have taken on you too. Bitter, ?...it seems to me you had every right to despise that man , and proof that it's easy for outsiders to be judgemental about situations of which they have no knowledge.

Good for you for coming out the other side, a lovely person despite those years of grief and setbacks.


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