# I've haven't posted in awhile. Sad situation involving a very dear friend.



## Ruth n Jersey (May 22, 2018)

It is very hard to condense years of friendship in a paragraph or two and I'm leaving quite a bit out.. I've known my girlfriend since the first year of high school. We married a year apart, as couples we spent summer vacation together, and holidays.                                                                                                                                   My girlfriend was the first one who knew I was pregnant,even before my hubby. At first we visited back and forth,as the years went by our visits to their home became less and less but they always visited us and we had a wonderful time.  I never asked about it. I loved to entertain so it didn't matter. 

                                                                                                                               They had a few financial setbacks due to illness on her husbands part but they seemed to be getting by. A couple of years ago they decided to move to a trailer park. It was quite sudden but I didn't question it. Again we were not invited to their new home but we saw them often.  Other health issues began as well as her husbands drinking problems.                                                                                                                                   A few weeks ago she was admitted to the hospital and then transported to a nursing home. She can hardly walk. A few weeks after that her husband had a car accident and soon he was also admitted to the same nursing home. She contacted me about the situation. I asked if there was anything I could do.

 She said she had some valuables in the trailer and asked,out of desperation, I guess, if I would go and get them. She said the door was left unlocked.                                                                                                                  The hubby and I went.  The ASPCA had been called to collect the cats. I guess the landlady let them in before we arrived but didn't lock the door. When we opened the door I realized, why after all these years, we had never been invited to their home. They both were hoarders.                                                                                                                                                   There was trash everywhere. We couldn't even see the side door or get in the bathroom. Beside that she seemed to be a compulsive buyer. Boxes of items not even opened but past due bill all over the floors.                                                                                                                                        I was able to get the valuables she wanted and tried to salvage clothing and a few other items.

 Most were destroyed by the cats. Most items smelled so bad we didn't want it in our car. I saw that the cats must have had have food and water. Bowls were left on the floors. but the litter box hadn't been cleaned in a very long time. Cats being such clean little creatures didn't want to use the dirty box and began using other areas for their bathroom.                                                                                                                                                       A few days after that we visited them and brought them their valuables and clothing. They appreciated what we did and couldn't thank us enough but no mention was made of just how bad the situation was. I think they are in denial. As of now they will be transported to another home because of financial reasons. I think anything could be better than the way they were living.                                                                                                                                                        I do hope they will be happy once settled. 

They really are two of the nicest people you could ever meet.                                                                                                                                                                               Some people say it was due to poor choices they made. I'm not so sure about that. I think it is an illness and maybe  in their case, brought on by stress,physical illness and financial problems. I'm glad they are out of those living conditions but there is much to settle. They are paying on the trailer, and it needs to be gutted in order to even think about selling it. Their health is poor and I'm sure they must feel like they have lost everything including their independence. I've been feeling really down about this and the reality that anything can happen in a blink of an eye. As I said, I've left out quite a bit of what went on in their lives and maybe some of it I will never know. I will try and visit them from time to time but it is difficult because I don't drive much anymore and the hubby isn't one to sit all afternoon and reminisce about the good old days. That's all they seem to have left.


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## Aunt Bea (May 22, 2018)

This move to a nursing home may turn into a blessing for both of them.

If you are not able to visit you can still keep in touch by phone, cards, letters, etc...

I'm sure that your friend would enjoy reminiscing about the times that you spent growing up and day to day events over a weekly telephone call.

Good luck to you and your friends.


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## Keesha (May 22, 2018)

I’m with Aunt Bea on this. It’s a blessing in disguise. 
Things happen for a reason! 

I think you  have a very loving heart and good attitude Ruth. 
Good for not judging them harshly. 

I cant figure why anybody would want to live like that but I’d imagine that it’s a complex situation.


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## RadishRose (May 22, 2018)

Oh dear Ruth, hoarding is an illness. People become almost physically ill when asked to toss something as silly as a broken lamp. 

The filth I think is a different illness.

I feel badly for you coming into the knowledge of your friends true states of mind. Health authorities will not let them back in. Sadly, it's true; they may indeed have lost everything.

I agree with Bea, being in the nursing home may be a blessing for them both; plus he'll get sober. I feel bad for all of you. Visit when you can, keep in touch with phone calls, etc. 

Wishing you the best...


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## applecruncher (May 22, 2018)

Sad situation, Ruth.  You're a good person to help them as you have.


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## jujube (May 22, 2018)

All you can do, Ruth, is to continue being the good friend you have been.  Hoarding is a mental illness and a hard one to cure.  Hopefully, they will stay somewhere where they are not allowed to hoard again. If they return to living by themselves, they will probably revert to hoarding.


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## SeaBreeze (May 22, 2018)

I've been missing you lately Ruth, and I'm sorry to hear you've been experiencing a sad situation with your friend and her husband.  They are blessed to have a friend like you, you're very kind and caring.  I've only watched shows about hoarders, and their homes can be overcome with both junk, new items never used and basic filth from just themselves or their animals.  

It is a sad situation and I agree with the others here, that they are in a better place than they were.  They didn't have you over because they felt shame, something not all hoarders feel.  The fact that her husband had a drinking problem didn't make it any easier for her.  I also agree that staying in touch now and then by phone or letter will mean the world to your friend.  It seems like they have nobody else who's there for them and cares.


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## Lara (May 22, 2018)

I've missed you too Ruth. Doesn't your friend have any family? Perhaps they don't want their family members to know because family can be judgmental and your friend knows you're not like that so you were targeted to enter into that mess. 

You have been a saint as well as a true example of a friend. But take care of yourself because you can't help her if you start to suffer because of her. It happens to people whose energy is sucked out of them by those who have no energy left themselves. Try to protect yourself from that happening. Keep coming to SF for moral support. We're always here for you. :grouphug:

:glittered::bowknot:


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## terry123 (May 22, 2018)

Good ideas here Ruth.  As others have said, take care of yourself also as you help your friends. I agree its a mental disease.


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## moviequeen1 (May 23, 2018)

Ruth,I'm sorry to hear about your friends,thank God you've been there for them in this difficult situation.
Please take care of your self,whenever you need to talk about this,you know you'll have our support and ideas to help you Sue


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## WhatInThe (May 23, 2018)

Sad and that's how many are going to wind up. At least you never forgot them.

 It's usually a combination of surprises, events and not thinking about or planning for the future for many things wether it's finances or actions in the physical world. I've seen this play out too many times for even those much younger. Those with support including kids and family that help out on a regular basis seem to be the only thing that can help avoid these situations. Other than lots and lots of money.

Hope their final days/phase of their lives get better.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jun 3, 2018)

Thank God that you were able to get their valuables and that no one else found them first. I agree that you are such a good friend and may you be blessed for that. I hope this doesn't continue to weigh heavily on your mind because obviously it's not your fault and you've done all you can do at this point. They will be much better off (hopefully) not living the way they had...certainly not healthy! As far as their health issues, they are in the right place where medical care is readily available.


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## AZ Jim (Jun 3, 2018)

I'm sorry Ruth for your friends and especially for you...


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## hollydolly (Jun 3, 2018)

Just read this Ruth, I have nothing I can add to all the advice  has already been said..but I can empathise with your situation.

You sound like a lovely friend to have and although you may not be able to visit them, maybe you'll enjoy calling or texting or mailing...it does sound like you had wonderful friendship over the years and it would be sad for you all if you lost that . 

What's more important for you aside from your friendship is that you can share it with others, and we're all here  for you, if and when you need us..


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## Catlady (Jun 4, 2018)

I feel the most sorry for the cats, having had to live in those conditions and now having to be rehomed or destroyed.

We have gotten to the point where everything we do wrong is an ''illness''.  Whatever happened to responsibility?  If it was an illness, why do gamblers and alcoholics and abusers and even hoarders mend their ways once they are forced to do so?  Sorry, I happen to think we're responsible for everything we do and have a choice of action.  I knew a guy whose father was abusive and horrible, yet he turned out to be one of the gentlest and responsible men I've ever met.  According to many, he could have turned out like the father and everyone would think it was the father's fault and considered an ''illness".  Am I harsh?  Maybe, but I prefer to make people accountable for their actions.  Go ahead, call me judgmental, I consider myself a realist.


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