# My Spiteful Granddaughter



## Kadee (Jan 15, 2016)

My eldest Gradaughter ,who is 24 is getting married today ,I haven't seen or spoken to her ,for about a year when for some unknown reason she decided to cut all contact with us ( She is my daughters eldest) I have NEVER had a cross word with her in her whole life she was my first G/C ..We had a really close relationship most their life up until she cut contact..
The last time I seen her she asked me if I still had "her" tweety bird quilt she used when her and her sister stayed over 
I said yes would you like it and your towels ,she said yes and I gave then to her .. 


My daughter and her ex Have been divorced about 18 years ,He came to Australia as a refugee from Vietnam as a very young child .

The G/D decided she would for some unknown reason NOT INVITE ANY of her mothers side of the family including her mother ,us or her 10 year old Half sister ..
She however has invited most of the Vietnamese side of the family including her fathers wife of 14 years years who she loathes ..including the half sisters ..from that relationship ..
I admired this child .. and had provided her her in our wills to receive extras ..( I have since cut her out completely) 

To give her some doubt to a reason for not inviting any of her mothers side of the family ...

She has invited her full sister, BUT NOT her sisters partner.. Who other GD lives with 

Im guessing a little here ...When my daughter married her father ...I was not allowed any say whatsoever in the arrangements.. or the people to invite ..his  mother, who speaks very little English controlled every thing ..even right down to finishing the reception at 10 pm .
.Most of the people who attended were non English speaking and  gave money ,which HIS MOTHER kept to pay for the reception she planned and organised ( food was not my choice to much greasy fried food )

 My Daughter and Tung received nothing of the $20.000 given and the only gift was what I gave them ( a microwave ) Now I suspect the same thing may be happening with GD under the impression she may be getting money but in the end MAY GET NOTHING ...We will just wait and see


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## fureverywhere (Jan 15, 2016)

Read my private message darlin'


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## Shalimar (Jan 15, 2016)

Wow Kadee. I am so sorry this happened to you. Sadly this type of behaviour is not uncommon, regardless of how kind you have been toward your granddaughter.


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## Cookie (Jan 15, 2016)

Sounds like messy family politics, has GD chosen the father's cultural side of the family with their traditions and customs that you may not be aware of. Sorry this turned out negatively.


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## Yaya (Jan 15, 2016)

You have choices - to make the effort to talk to her privately - alone and lovingly to find out what's going on - to leave her alone, knowing that someday the situation may change - but whatever you decide to do, just be kind to her and her family, no matter what - that may eventually alter the current negative situation that is going on now.


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## Karen99 (Jan 15, 2016)

Well, if she denies her mother and mother's family she's denying her own heritage...but in time she may see things differently. She knows you love her deep in her heart.

I'm sorry you've been hurt this way.  I hope as time goes by her attitude will soften...nothing to do but wait and see.


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## Kadee (Jan 15, 2016)

I had been advised to make an effort to contact her to ask WHY ?? but I choose not to disrupt her at her work or at home .i felt it would not achieve anything...only she knows why. She told my other GD that she had made a decision and was sticking to it 
not to invite any of her Australian born family.
I will just let it be


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## applecruncher (Jan 15, 2016)

Kadee, first of all I’m sorry for what you’re going thru. In your shoes I would be hurt, confused, and also angry.

Now, please read this next sentence carefully: I am NOT saying you did anything wrong. _Again, I am NOT saying you did anything wrong_.

Let’s look at this logically. In situations like this, there is always a reason behind the behavior (the freezing you out, cutting off the relationship). Always. No one gets up in the morning and suddenly decides to shut out a grandmother with whom they have always had a loving relationship with.

It is not your responsibility to try to figure out what her problem is. When someone is upset with a loved one (or friend…i.e., someone they care about) it is THEIR responsibility to privately let the other person know.

I don’t agree with your guess as to what the reason might be. It just makes no sense.

It could be something GD thinks you did, or something someone told her you said, or something you did/said that she misinterpreted. Something is rotten here. You can speculate forever, and come up empty. There is nothing you can do unfortunately. 

She has to know she has hurt you deeply, yet she chooses to continue to shut you out. Shame on her.


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## Kadee (Jan 15, 2016)

AC to me it's just a repeat of her mothers wedding to her father. His parents didn't want my daughter to have a traditional church wedding at all ..They just wanted their tradition. ..no if's or but"s ..at the time we just shut our mouth and went along to support my daughter.


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## nitelite (Jan 15, 2016)

Kadee, I find the actions of your granddaughter very rude, yet it seems to be the norm of young adults today. I believe 'karma' will eventually take a part in their lives.


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## applecruncher (Jan 16, 2016)

Kadee46 said:


> AC to me it's just a repeat of her mothers wedding to her father. His parents didn't want my daughter to have a traditional church wedding at all ..They just wanted their tradition. ..no if's or but"s ..at the time we just shut our mouth and went along to support my daughter.



Excluding someone from wedding planning functions (as your daughter did) is one thing. Excluding relatives from a wedding is another thing. But cutting off relations from a grandmother is something else entirely. 

Kadee, in your thread title you called GD _spiteful_.  That implies malice, and that she’s deliberately hurting you to “pay you back”. You said you haven’t seen or spoken with her for over a year.


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## Meringue (Jan 16, 2016)

We can "choose" our friends, but not our relations sadly.


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## Fern (Jan 16, 2016)

Kadee, I can understand your pain & hurt, perhaps your grand daughter is being manipulated by her inlaws, there will come a time in her life when she will regret her attitude & behaviour.


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## Kadee (Jan 16, 2016)

applecruncher said:


> Excluding someone from wedding planning functions (as your daughter did) is one thing. Excluding relatives from a wedding is another thing. But cutting off relations from a grandmother is something else entirely.
> 
> Kadee, in your thread title you called GD _spiteful_.  That implies malice, and that she’s deliberately hurting you to “pay you back”. You said you haven’t seen or spoken with her for over a year.


Exactly how else could you describe the way she has treated both of us,for a reason unknown to us ...I could ask my other GD if Amamda has told her a reason why ,but I don't want her to feel uncomfortable.. I still feel her attitude towards us still has something to do with her Vietnamese side of the family in particular her grandmother......


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## applecruncher (Jan 16, 2016)

> Exactly how else could you describe the way she has treated both of us,for a reason unknown to us ...I



Mean, hateful, cruel. (My point was that “spiteful” implies she is getting back at you for something.) But in the general scheme of things the semantics aren’t that important.

I wouldn’t bother making inquiries. As I said previously, it’s not your duty to guess or ask other people what’s going on. You would not necessarily get an honest answer, and it would serve no purpose. Sure, it might be because of her in-laws, and it might be because of any number of things SHE has going on in her mind. but GD is an adult quite capable of making her own decision regarding her relationship with you – _and she has done that_.


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## hollydolly (Jan 16, 2016)

How Very upsetting for you Kadee, but she's treating you like dirt without so much as an explanation , and it must hurt badly!! ((hugs))


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## Kadee (Jan 16, 2016)

Yes AC I have now accepted her decision and I've I have said I could have confronted her at her work or at home but what would that achieve.Nothing but further hurt .
I felt for her mother ( my daughter) Yes they had cross words when Amanda was 16 years old but I felt  that was justified as Amanda stole her bank book from her mothers room and withdrew the $1200 I had put in there for her over the years.
She moved out of home after that indecent ..That's a VERY POOR excuse not to invite your own mother, it's in my opinion slapping your own mother in the face by inviting Tungs wife who treated both the girls very badly ( They both stayed at Tungs and his wife's on very rare occasions usually  weekends, where they were not permitted to come out of the room while she was home ..


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## Fern (Jan 17, 2016)

Kadee46 said:


> Yes AC I have now accepted her decision and I've I have said I could have confronted her at her work or at home but what would that achieve.Nothing but further hurt .
> I felt for her mother ( my daughter) Yes they had cross words when Amanda was 16 years old but I felt  that was justified as Amanda stole her bank book from her mothers room and withdrew the $1200 I had put in there for her over the years.
> She moved out of home after that indecent ..That's a VERY POOR excuse not to invite your own mother, it's in my opinion slapping your own mother in the face by inviting Tungs wife who treated both the girls very badly ( They both stayed at Tungs and his wife's on very rare occasions usually  weekends, where they were not permitted to come out of the room while she was home ..


It is her decision, when she grows up hopefully she'll realise the pain she inflicted.


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## Falcon (Jan 17, 2016)

It's a generation thing; The further you get away from yourself (You- your kids - your grandkids - great grandkids.....)
the less you care, IMO.

Personally, were I you, I wouldn't give her the time of day. She doesn't deserve it.  Save your breath.....less stress.


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## Linda (Jan 17, 2016)

If my grand-daughters ever treated me like that I would ASK them what was going on.  I don't like wondering about things or sweeping things under the carpet.  Maybe it would NOT get straightened out but at lest I might find out what the problem was.  I think some people think asking a question involves having an argument and with me it doesn't.  I'd ask, listen and that's probably as far as it would go unless there was something I could say or do to clear up the situation for the girl.


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## fureverywhere (Jan 17, 2016)

It's sad, I never got to know my Mom as an adult really. Never a day goes by I wish I had. She passed suddenly when I was 26. I was still too self-centered to understand things. Now I have two girls who might experience the same thing. Swear to G-d if I buy the farm and they turn up looking for valuables I will so haunt them.


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## Butterfly (Jan 17, 2016)

Kadee46 said:


> Yes AC I have now accepted her decision and I've I have said I could have confronted her at her work or at home but what would that achieve.Nothing but further hurt .
> I felt for her mother ( my daughter) Yes they had cross words when Amanda was 16 years old but I felt  that was justified as Amanda stole her bank book from her mothers room and withdrew the $1200 I had put in there for her over the years.
> She moved out of home after that indecent ..That's a VERY POOR excuse not to invite your own mother, it's in my opinion slapping your own mother in the face by inviting Tungs wife who treated both the girls very badly ( They both stayed at Tungs and his wife's on very rare occasions usually  weekends, where they were not permitted to come out of the room while she was home ..



I think your decision not to confront is wise.  Sometimes these things just have to play out on their own, for better or worse.


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## fureverywhere (Jan 17, 2016)

Amanda stole her bank book from her mothers room and withdrew the $1200 I had put in there for her over the years. 

That one reminds me of my Alex. We had a bunch of Macy's gift certificates. The plan was we would go before school shopping for her and her brother and sister. There was enough maybe I could get a small treat too. You know she talked me into this and that. I felt okay her first year in high school let her be stylin'. I think we managed a few items for brother and sister. And you know with her full wardrobe she dropped out of school within weeks. Too old for me to stop her...she used me in so many ways. You feel you shouldn't be so angry at your own child. But they become their own selves too.


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## Kadee (Jan 17, 2016)

Thank you to everyone for your understanding ..it's over with now so I think it's better i let it go ..there may come a day she will regret her actions ,not so much not inviting her grandparents ..but not inviting her 10 year old sister and her mother is unforgivable .....in my opinion ..


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## vickyNightowl (Jan 18, 2016)

I'm with Falcon.
Ungrateful kids who think they know everything.


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## Cookie (Jan 18, 2016)

I think there must be more to this than meets the eye, this is not isolated but probably has lots of past history leading up to it - grievances on both sides.


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## Kadee (Feb 8, 2016)

I was informed today that by my other granddaughter who attended the wedding ( her partner was not invited) 
She informed me ,and her mother that their father turned up to walk the GD who was getting married down the isle only to be informed right there and then ..that she had chosen her uncle to have that honor ...The uncle is her fathers sisters husband ... It naturally caused a few issues for her on the day/ night ..especially with her Vietnamese side of the family having strict customs ..that I was made aware of when my daughter married Tung. 

Yes there had been allot of issues with her father when she was young ..most of the time he choose to go from work to the casino rather than spending time with the two girls , (this happened when he and my daughter were married )  and when the girls visited his home for the weekend after he and may daughter divorced . 

I mentioned in an earlier post his new wife would lock the girls in a room until he arrived home ..no they were not noisy children ..she was always extreamely jealous of the girls taking attention away from her.
When my other GD was about 10 years old Tungs wife even locked her in a room for a whole day while she was at work to prevent my GD eating any of HER food.


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## Shalimar (Feb 9, 2016)

Wow, that seems a bit harsh. Where is the compassion? This is the perfect place to air our family problems, among our online friends. Perhaps, if you knew  her, you could see why,  to many of us, Kadee is like family, we are more than happy to listen, and offer what support we can, just as we did when you aired your 

difficulties. Our support is not contingent on listening to any side but Kadee's.  Family relationships are often convoluted, therapist or not, I don't always have all the ingredients to the communal soup re my own relatives.   We do the best we can. 

There are often many pieces to family dynamics, difficult to discern. It is not our job to do so, or to judge. Some of Kadee's relative's behaviour were  nasty, she was hurt. She deserves, and receives my support, without judgement. Kadee is a warm and loving person who has overcome some huge challenges, I respect her strength and humanity.


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## hollydolly (Feb 9, 2016)

Bluecheese50 said:


> Maybe this is not the right place to be airing your family problems, especially as there are usually two sides to every story!



Dear Lord....that's very harsh. You have a right to your opinion, but Kadee is a personal friend of mine and with few friends or family to garner opinions from outside her family, she's reached out to the close friends she's made on the forum just to be able to let off a bit of angst and hurt she's feeling about  a personal matter. Social media forums are used for that in their millions ...

Everyone is different..._you_ discuss  what you feel is ok for you on a forum, and let others be the judge of what  matters they choose to write for themselves.. !!


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## hollydolly (Feb 9, 2016)

Of course , I think we all do,  especially Kadee, it IS her flesh and blood the granddaughter she took care of as a child...  but she's stuck in a position where she can't say anything to upset any family members so she turns to her friends to offload her fears and upset..nothing wrong with that at all


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## GeorgiaXplant (Feb 9, 2016)

Bluecheese50 said:


> I say what I think! I feel sorry for the Granddaughter!



When what you think is obviously unfair, unkind, unfeeling toward another poster, perhaps it's better to sit on your hands and refrain from posting at all. There's really no need for that sort of comment, unless it's your_ intention _to be cruel.


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## Shalimar (Feb 9, 2016)

So much anger and judgement in so many of your posts, Cheese. If you find so many of our ideas and behaviours offensive, why are you here? Do you enjoy pointing out what you consider to be other people's failings, regardless of how hurtful it sounds? This is a friendly forum. We are expected to treat each other with tolerance or respect, or go elsewhere.


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## Cookie (Feb 9, 2016)

Kadee, so sorry that the situation is so full of strife and hope that things smooth out eventually over time, which will probably happen.  It would be very hard to deal with especially during a wedding, which is supposed to be a happy time.


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## jujube (Feb 9, 2016)

Kadee, I'm truly sorry for your problems.  Shakespeare said, "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child."  Ol' Bill knew what he was talking about.  

As we go through life, we will meet people who will be cruel to us......it's all the harder when they're our loved ones.

Hang in there.


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## Kadee (Feb 9, 2016)

I was only posting the update to let members know who supported me  in past when I was upset about my GD ..I was not the not only family member treated ike a bit of dirt .....She invited her Vietnamese family only to completely ignore her Fathers side of the family at the wedding not even informing Tung  as I mentioned until the last minute he would not be walking her down the isle ....That side of the family were not included or acknowledged in ANY speeches at the wedding either ,do you consider that my fault as well . BC  :shrug:just curious why you feel sorry for my GD when she has hurt ,her grandparents  , Two sisters ( one who's 10 years old ) who she didn't invite....What was her crime for being left out  ?? . ..Her Vietnamese grandparents are not happy with her for breaking tradition not having her father involved in ANYWAY in her wedding.. Someone has to be the centre of ALL THE ISSUES :shrug:
I supported her when she needed support .from the day she was born ,I live 200 km from her ( I lived close to her until she was about 15 y/o) I visited her home when I was in the city or a short hello at work so not to interrupt her work ,always made a point of going out for a meal on her birthday,if she had an issue with us would have she invited us to her home ??told us where she worked ?? When I dropped in to say a quick hello at work I would always slip her $50 ..unlike her father who would approach her and ask her if she had any money 
She worked at the Adelaide Casino at the time .


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## BlunderWoman (Feb 9, 2016)

Weddings bring out total INSANITY in many people. I have 3 married daughters..1 left that doesn't want to marry until she's done with her education if ever she says ..
BUT my middle daughter has a very overbearing mother in law with serious control issues that must call her son 30 times a day. I never voiced even one opinion about what was to be done in the wedding because my daughter was already over whelmed by her mother in laws constant barrage of calls and input. She was stressed out to the MAX and did not get the wedding she really wanted due to that interference. I asked her if she wanted me to go to war for her or stay out and keep my mouth shut. She told me just to stay out and keep the peace. So, I did. My daughter was NOT her usual happy go lucky self during that time due to stress.
It sounds to me like your granddaughter is trying to pull closer to her husbands family AT ALL COSTS. I don't expect the whole thing to end well later, because people take being dictated to for a while, but eventually balk and ask themselves "WTF?!".  It doesn't matter what you have given her in the way of money people are seldom grateful for that. IF you had a close relationship the kind where the 2 of you talked a lot and spent a lot of time together BEFORE this happened. You will probably get that back more than likely in my own opinion. I don't think she was thinking of how to be rude to her family..I think she was trying to make it in his. Love makes us do some strange odd things some times. I don't think it was about you.. I think it was about her and her feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed. 
ANYWAY it's my 2 cents ..I could be totally wrong. 
(((hugs))


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## tinytn (Feb 9, 2016)

Kadee, I am so sorry to hear all this and I can only pray your G-daughter will come to see the light as to how you and other family members have been treated all this time... She may have been stressed to the max like you said and she may look back at that whole situation some day and rightfully so. .I know I would ,,Prayers for peace in your family again, Kadee..


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## Kadee (Feb 9, 2016)

tinytn said:


> Kadee, I am so sorry to hear all this and I can only pray your G-daughter will come to see the light as to how you and other family members have been treated all this time... She may have been stressed to the max like you said and she may look back at that whole situation some day and rightfully so. .I know I would ,,Prayers for peace in your family again, Kadee..


Thank you Tiny ,We have no contact with her at all so from now on I will let it all go.


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## SeaBreeze (Feb 9, 2016)

Very sad situation in your family Kadee, hugs.


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## Butterfly (Feb 10, 2016)

Kadee46 said:


> Thank you Tiny ,We have no contact with her at all so from now on I will let it all go.



Kadee, I'm so sorry you had to go through all this -- I'm sure it must really hurt.  Kind thoughts and prayers to you for peace . . . .


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