# Set in my ways?



## NorthernLight (Sep 11, 2022)

As I have posted in other threads, I'm bored and lonely in my new town. I manage to "fill my days." But apart from a couple of online things that I enjoy, my life feels like a never-ending round of toothbrushing, housework, and other drudgery.

So yesterday my neighbor spontaneously asked me if I wanted to come along to an outdoor event. I should have jumped at the chance. It was a beautiful day, and my neighbor would have introduced me to lots of people. 

But I told her I wasn't feeling up to it. Mostly I didn't want to rush around changing my clothes and making sure I had everything I needed (sunglasses, canes, etc.). 

Meanwhile, I'm still hoping to do wild and crazy things like running away to South America by bus. Or boat, or hitchhiking. Anything.

Do you become resigned to doing less when you could be doing more? Is there a disconnect between what you want and what you do?


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## Pecos (Sep 11, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> As I have posted in other threads, I'm bored and lonely in my new town. I manage to "fill my days." But apart from a couple of online things that I enjoy, my life feels like a never-ending round of toothbrushing, housework, and other drudgery.
> 
> So yesterday my neighbor spontaneously asked me if I wanted to come along to an outdoor event. I should have jumped at the chance. It was a beautiful day, and my neighbor would have introduced me to lots of people.
> 
> ...


i get where you are coming from, and you have my sympathy. I suspect there is a disconnect between what most of us want to do and what we actually end up doing. Sometimes that disconnect gets pretty wide and sometimes it is minor.


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## katlupe (Sep 11, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> As I have posted in other threads, I'm bored and lonely in my new town. I manage to "fill my days." But apart from a couple of online things that I enjoy, my life feels like a never-ending round of toothbrushing, housework, and other drudgery.
> 
> So yesterday my neighbor spontaneously asked me if I wanted to come along to an outdoor event. I should have jumped at the chance. It was a beautiful day, and my neighbor would have introduced me to lots of people.
> 
> ...


I know exactly what you are talking about. I do it all the time. For instance, this week is a big art festival and I have gone to it every year. Yesterday and today I have not felt like going to it. Do you know how far away I have to go for it? Right across the street! Yesterday, instead of going I spent my time prepping food for the next few days. I could do that any time. Every week, my boyfriend is an official at go-kart and at rc races. How many times do you think I have gone? Zero! He'd love it if I went but I never feel like it. 

To be honest though, whenever I go anywhere I just can't wait to get home. Reminds me of my Grandma and how she would get her house key out 20 miles from home.


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## hollydolly (Sep 11, 2022)

C'mon ladies.. you;re going to be old quickly enough so that you have no choice to be stuck in the house, and unable to get out.

Kat I know it's not so easy for you, but you both need to just tell yourself you have to go out.. you really do have to make the effort.. don't let apathy grab hold of you, it'll never let you out of it;s grasp...


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## Jackie23 (Sep 11, 2022)

Yes, I can relate, I think the older we get, the smaller our world gets.  I find that if I have a planned event that I have to get out of the house for, it absolutely takes me a day and half just to get ready (that's dressed and looking presentable) and out the door.  Meeting with people, making small talk, remembering details so you won't look like a blithering fool is tiring.....so it's easier to stay home.


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## Gaer (Sep 11, 2022)

Yup!  Winter will be here soon enough.
Get out and do things.  Go places.  Live!
Make today ridiculously amazing!


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## RadishRose (Sep 11, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> C'mon ladies.. you;re going to be old quickly enough so that you have no choice to be stuck in the house, and unable to get out.
> 
> Kat I know it's not so easy for you, but you both need to just tell yourself you have to go out.. you really do have to make the effort.. don't let apathy grab hold of you, it'll never let you out of it;s grasp...


I so agree, HD.


Jackie23 said:


> Yes, I can relate, I think the older we get, the smaller our world gets.  I find that if I have a planned event that I have to get out of the house for, it absolutely takes me a day and half just to get ready (that's dressed and looking presentable) and out the door.  Meeting with people, making small talk, remembering details so you won't look like a blithering fool is tiring.....so it's easier to stay home.


Yes, I know. It happens to me sometimes too. We have to fight it.


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## Happy Heart (Sep 11, 2022)

Age does tend to make us a bystander in life so we need to work a little harder to participate.  However, after living enough years, it is difficult to find something new to get excited about but still need human contact to keep things in perspective.  It is too easy to sit in my jammies, sip my tea, and type on the keyboard instead of putting myself out there.


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## hollydolly (Sep 11, 2022)

Happy Heart said:


> Age does tend to make us a bystander in life so we need to work a little harder to participate.  However, after living enough years, it is difficult to find something new to get excited about but still need human contact to keep things in perspective.  It is too easy to sit in my jammies, sip my tea, and type on the keyboard instead of putting myself out there.


yes..wayy too easy, and before you know it, it's a permanent lifestyle... It's important to make an effort even if it's on a couple of times a month.. once a week or more  would be better.. but a couple of times a month will keep you included in the world...


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## AprilSun (Sep 11, 2022)

For me, it's like the more I stay home, the more I want to stay home.


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## Leann (Sep 11, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> C'mon ladies.. you;re going to be old quickly enough so that you have no choice to be stuck in the house, and unable to get out.
> 
> Kat I know it's not so easy for you, but you both need to just tell yourself you have to go out.. you really do have to make the effort.. don't let apathy grab hold of you, it'll never let you out of it;s grasp...


I so agree with this. While I can still do most of what I want to do, there will come a day when I won't be able to. While I tend to be more of an introvert than extrovert, I do make an effort to do things whether it be lunch with friends (did that last week), traveling to spend time with family (doing that next week) or just taking a walk in my little neighborhood and stopping to say hello and talk to people I meet along the way.


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## MarkinPhx (Sep 11, 2022)

I understand. If I was in your situation I probably would have done the same. I don't do spontaneous very well when others are involved. I I had been asked the day before to attend I would do so with no hesitation. It was nice of the neighbor to ask you though.


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## Packerjohn (Sep 11, 2022)

I'm 76, live alone and I am right now packing all my "stuff" to move to a new apartment.  I envy all you married people who have a help mate where ever you live.  I'm with that Welsh poet, Dylan Thomas, and you might say I am "raging against the night" or whatever he was raging against.  

I live in an apartment complex I have named, "The Land of the Living Dead."  Mostly ladies doing nothing with their lives just waiting for death.  Most are in their 80s and belong to the walker club.

Moi, I am moving to another apartment to get away from this terrible inertia.  In my new apartment, they have "Happy Hour" twice/weekly, a coffee morning, an exercise room and a library.  Nearby is a senior center with various activities. 

Yes, you could say, I am "raging" against the night or death or whatever Dylan Thomas was raging against.  Sure, it's easier to sit on your butt and do nothing but watch commercials on TV but is that a life worth living?  I am making the effort to make everyday something special and something to look forward to.  Goodby "Land of the Living Dead" and bonjour to "Happy Hour."   Who knows?  I just might find a kindred spirited nice lady who feels the same about life as I do?  There is always hope, isn't there?


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## StarSong (Sep 11, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> C'mon ladies.. you;re going to be old quickly enough so that you have no choice to be stuck in the house, and unable to get out.
> 
> Kat I know it's not so easy for you, but you both need to just tell yourself you have to go out.. you really do have to make the effort.. don't let apathy grab hold of you, it'll never let you out of it;s grasp...


Well said.  I agree completely.


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## RadishRose (Sep 11, 2022)

Packerjohn said:


> I'm 76, live alone and I am right now packing all my "stuff" to move to a new apartment.  I envy all you married people who have a help mate where ever you live.  I'm with that Welsh poet, Dylan Thomas, and you might say I am "raging against the night" or whatever he was raging against.
> 
> I live in an apartment complex I have named, "The Land of the Living Dead."  Mostly ladies doing nothing with their lives just waiting for death.  Most are in their 80s and belong to the walker club.
> 
> ...


Good luck in your new place, John.


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## Happy Heart (Sep 11, 2022)

Packerjohn said:


> I'm 76, live alone and I am right now packing all my "stuff" to move to a new apartment.  I envy all you married people who have a help mate where ever you live.  I'm with that Welsh poet, Dylan Thomas, and you might say I am "raging against the night" or whatever he was raging against.
> 
> I live in an apartment complex I have named, "The Land of the Living Dead."  Mostly ladies doing nothing with their lives just waiting for death.  Most are in their 80s and belong to the walker club.
> 
> ...


Well said!  Dylan Thomas was telling his father to rage against his impending death.  Much different from our current Summer of Rage...LOL.
My problems is that most of my friends are now gone and it is hard to want to get involved because of the "pain of too much tenderness"...Gibran.  Land of the Living Dead is why I don't get involved with our local senior center, just too much of that so we do limited volunteer work during the day only.  Going out at night isn't safe anymore and bedtime comes earlier every year.


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## Seren (Sep 11, 2022)

@NorthernLight

My own activites are very limited due to being full time carer for my elderly mother who only really leaves the house to attend appointments now; she's been retired for years and as the only living member of her family has no family to visit so prefers to watch her favourite tv shows or read or do puzzles, etc. She's had a couple of quite severe falls so I don't feel safe leaving her in the house alone and where we live is quite isolated anyway so I wouldn't leave her. I have a sister and a brother, both of whom live within easy travel distance but are so busy living their own lives neither has or makes time for their Mum - she used to feel that deeply but has 'let it go' now and accepts their decisions even if neither she nor I understand them...


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## hollydolly (Sep 11, 2022)

AprilSun said:


> For me, it's like the more I stay home, the more I want to stay home.


precisely, and that's the thing you NEED to avoid...


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## hollydolly (Sep 11, 2022)

Packerjohn said:


> I'm 76, live alone and I am right now packing all my "stuff" to move to a new apartment.  I envy all you married people who have a help mate where ever you live.  I'm with that Welsh poet, Dylan Thomas, and you might say I am "raging against the night" or whatever he was raging against.
> 
> I live in an apartment complex I have named, "The Land of the Living Dead."  Mostly ladies doing nothing with their lives just waiting for death.  Most are in their 80s and belong to the walker club.
> 
> ...


Good for you John, and a year since my husbands' been gone, I'm trying to get out as much as I can myself..not easy but I make myself  do thing..I make myself go and continue having a life, I don't want my life to stop in my 60's... that would be madness. I may have another 30 years to live, couldn't imagine staying home every day for the next 30 years.. 

My ideal would be able to move house..this house holds too many memories, but that's not an option at the moment but hopefully sometime in the future


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## hollydolly (Sep 11, 2022)

Happy Heart said:


> Well said!  Dylan Thomas was telling his father to rage against his impending death.  Much different from our current Summer of Rage...LOL.
> My problems is that most of my friends are now gone and it is hard to want to get involved because of the "pain of too much tenderness"...Gibran.  Land of the Living Dead is why I don't get involved with our local senior center, just too much of that so we do limited volunteer work during the day only.  Going out at night isn't safe anymore and bedtime comes earlier every year.


see, that's great that you get out to do volunteer work, it means you're seeing people, mixing with them, and it gives you purpose in your life.


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## Happy Heart (Sep 11, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Good for you John, and a year since my husbands' been gone, I'm trying to get out as much as I can myself..not easy but I make myself  do thing..I make myself go and continue having a life, I don't want my life to stop in my 60's... that would be madness. I may have another 30 years to live, couldn't imagine staying home every day for the next 30 years..
> 
> My ideal would be able to move house..this house holds too many memories, but that's not an option at the moment but hopefully sometime in the future


Take time to be good to yourself.  I am sorry for the loss of your husband...I really can't imagine.


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## hollydolly (Sep 11, 2022)

Happy Heart said:


> Take time to be good to yourself.  I am sorry for the loss of your husband...I really can't imagine.


thank you so much, but just to be clear...altho' it's like a death for me, and the grieving is almost as bad , he's not dead.. he left ..


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## Leann (Sep 11, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Good for you John, and a year since my husbands' been gone, I'm trying to get out as much as I can myself..not easy but I make myself  do thing..I make myself go and continue having a life, I don't want my life to stop in my 60's... that would be madness. I may have another 30 years to live, couldn't imagine staying home every day for the next 30 years..
> 
> My ideal would be able to move house..this house holds too many memories, but that's not an option at the moment but hopefully sometime in the future


You really do inspire me, @hollydolly !


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## Leann (Sep 11, 2022)

Packerjohn said:


> I'm 76, live alone and I am right now packing all my "stuff" to move to a new apartment.  I envy all you married people who have a help mate where ever you live.  I'm with that Welsh poet, Dylan Thomas, and you might say I am "raging against the night" or whatever he was raging against.
> 
> I live in an apartment complex I have named, "The Land of the Living Dead."  Mostly ladies doing nothing with their lives just waiting for death.  Most are in their 80s and belong to the walker club.
> 
> ...


I think this is FANTASTIC @Packerjohn. What a way to take life by the horns. I hope you do find a kindred spirit at your new apartment complex. I bet you will.


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## Gary O' (Sep 11, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> my life feels like a never-ending round of toothbrushing, housework, and other drudgery.


You have teeth?!!
Enjoy 'em
Eat an apple, or corn on the cob

I have partials, and I love 'em.... but they sure ain't the same


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## Sunny (Sep 11, 2022)

Well, northern BC to South America sounds like a bit of a stretch for someone who is having trouble bringing herself to attend outdoor events in her own town. Could it be a little bit of depression, maybe? Just wondering; it sounds kind of extreme.

But I also can sympathize, to a degree. There are things I'd love to do, but I don't any more, because I have trouble negotiating escalators, dealing with stairs, keeping myself running from one thing to another throughout the day. I live in a suburb of Washington, DC, and for many years have enjoyed visiting the Smithsonian museums. I haven't been there in years, not since before Covid.  It occurred to me today that I'd like to see a new exhibit they have in the National Gallery of Art, but then I thought about all the logistics of driving down to the nearest Metro station, taking a very long and fast escalator to the trains, riding the train to downtown DC, etc.  Not to mention all the hours of walking just within that huge museum. Decided not to try it until I can get someone to go with me. But I still hope to.

Probably you should try baby steps. Maybe call that neighbor back and ask if you can have another chance to do something together?


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## NorthernLight (Sep 11, 2022)

@Sunny    Yes, it is depression, or a rut, or something. I know I'm capable of adventure because I did it last year. But in this town, everything seems like too much trouble.

I imagined losing my canes in Peru or somewhere. I'd have to ask some lovely helpful people for directions to the cane store, and it would be in an interesting neighborhood, and it would all be lots of fun.

But here, I'd order canes from Amazon, and something would go wrong, and then I'd have to look for the hard-to-find phone number, and spend an hour on the phone being made to feel like a criminal.

The neighbor is extremely busy, an 84-year-old whirlwind who usually doesn't have time for more than a quick hello. She has found her groove, while I have not.


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## dseag2 (Sep 11, 2022)

I'm an introvert, but I still need socialization.  I am often inclined to just do my usual activities, but I realize I need to get out of my comfort zone and socialize to stay mentally healthy.  It wouldn't have been easy, but I would have welcomed the chance to attend an outdoor event and catch up with or meet new people.  Get out there!


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## Ruthanne (Sep 11, 2022)

I am not in a good place today.  I feel resigned to everything and just need to get my hope back for better days.


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## NorthernLight (Sep 11, 2022)

Thank you all for your replies!

Thanks to those who supplied pep talks. I know I'm in the wrong headspace. Trying to find my way.

@MarkinPhx  and @Jackie23    Yes, the spontaneity was a problem. I would have appreciated an hour's notice. If I know a day in advance, I get too worked up and have trouble sleeping.

@Packerjohn  By walker club, I thought you meant walking club ... For 2 years I needed 2 canes just to walk across a room. I've improved tremendously through exercise, and only need the canes if I'm walking a couple of blocks or more.

@Seren  and @Ruthanne  and others who are in similar boats, thank you for telling how it is for you.

@Gary O'  Yes, I have teeth and good health. I know I have a great deal to be grateful for.

I got frustrated with a local group (that was started by me) and put it on hold for a few weeks. But having read all your replies on the importance of "getting out there," I will try to resuscitate it.


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## win231 (Sep 11, 2022)

katlupe said:


> I know exactly what you are talking about. I do it all the time. For instance, this week is a big art festival and I have gone to it every year. Yesterday and today I have not felt like going to it. Do you know how far away I have to go for it? Right across the street! Yesterday, instead of going I spent my time prepping food for the next few days. I could do that any time. Every week, my boyfriend is an official at go-kart and at rc races. How many times do you think I have gone? Zero! He'd love it if I went but I never feel like it.
> 
> To be honest though, whenever I go anywhere I just can't wait to get home. Reminds me of my Grandma and how she would get her house key out 20 miles from home.


Me too.  I hate traveling.  I have a couple of friends who love it & they can't understand why I don't like it.


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## Sunny (Sep 12, 2022)

This is kind of pushing the obvious, but maybe just try going for a short walk every day, weather permitting?  Even if it's just the immediate area around your home?  And then, every day try making it a slightly longer distance? Physical exercise does lift the clouds of depression. Even a couple of blocks, using your canes if necessary, is better than nothing.

Probably, also, the advice columnists in the papers would tell you to get counseling. They seem to advise that to everyone; so maybe it really helps. I don't mean long-term psychotherapy, there are shorter forms of counseling available.

I belong to a theatre group in my community. We're all amateurs, some a lot better than others. We put on a small play or musical production every month, and two big shows, using professional directors and choreographers, every year. I'm directing a play next month; this will be about the 8th one I'm doing. Sometimes I write the plays, sometimes I get a free script off the internet. It's a great depression-lifter, and loads of fun. Maybe try that?  I'm sure Canada has community theatres also, and it would certainly get you out of the house!


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## Senenity (Sep 12, 2022)

There is a difference in our lives when you are obligated to wake each day and go off to work and when you have no obligation or deadlines to meet.  We tend to get lackadaisical in our ways and could decline.  I think we are just happy in our own skin and not having to compete and prove ourselves anymore makes the difference.   However, we should still keep active even if it is at our own pace and time. 

About being “social “, I could not be bothered as I have no time and inclination trying to keep up with the Joneses.


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## spectratg (Sep 12, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> As I have posted in other threads, I'm bored and lonely in my new town. I manage to "fill my days." But apart from a couple of online things that I enjoy, my life feels like a never-ending round of toothbrushing, housework, and other drudgery.
> 
> So yesterday my neighbor spontaneously asked me if I wanted to come along to an outdoor event. I should have jumped at the chance. It was a beautiful day, and my neighbor would have introduced me to lots of people.
> 
> ...


Hi NorthernLight.  I would suggest that you chat with your neighbor about planning future outings with her.  Let her know that because of your physical condition you need a bit of time to get ready for an event.


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## katlupe (Sep 12, 2022)

I hope I didn't give the idea that I sit around watching television or doing nothing. I am busy about every minute of my day. I get up early and do most of my physical work then. It is when I have the most energy. I am really into projects on my computer that I work on in the afternoon. I have never been one to do activities that involve a lot of people. Even when I was younger I was the same way. I am not just sitting in my apartment waiting to die.


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## StarSong (Sep 12, 2022)

win231 said:


> Me too.  I hate traveling.  I have a couple of friends who love it & they can't understand why I don't like it.


I can't say I _hate _traveling, but it's sure not in the top ten list of activities I enjoy most.
Like you, I have friends who love traveling and can't understand why I don't.



Sunny said:


> Probably you should try baby steps. Maybe call that neighbor back and ask if you can have another chance to do something together?


Good advice. 

@NorthernLight, my mother used to say that to have a friend you must first be a friend. 
Similarly, if your aim is to _feel _more engaged, you have to _behave _more engaged, even if it feels uncomfortable to begin with. 

A thousand mile journey begins with a single step. Lots of first steps are outlined here.  It's up to you to start taking them.  Hoping you do.


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## Mizmo (Sep 12, 2022)

I wish I could be as young as some of you are.

In my later years  I  did  volunteer work for local museum, library, prior to that local hospital.
There is always something you can do for them even if you are a little incapacitated. I enjoyed it all.
Get on OUT there while you can and be with people.
Listen to old mizmo


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## amwassil (Sep 12, 2022)

To the OP: Hell No! I have a full-time job. I need the money and I want the interaction and challenge. Death comes soon enough, but it won't find me sitting on my ass waiting for it.


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## Packerjohn (Sep 12, 2022)

Happy Heart said:


> Well said!  Dylan Thomas was telling his father to rage against his impending death.  Much different from our current Summer of Rage...LOL.
> My problems is that most of my friends are now gone and it is hard to want to get involved because of the "pain of too much tenderness"...Gibran.  Land of the Living Dead is why I don't get involved with our local senior center, just too much of that so we do limited volunteer work during the day only.  Going out at night isn't safe anymore and bedtime comes earlier every year.


Dear Happy Heart:  I am pretty well in the same boat.  About the only person that is still living "from the good ole' days" is my brother who is always reading and borrowing books on health to me.  However, I have joined a senior center for this coming winter on the theory that those seniors who bother to join, get dressed and come on down to the senior center are among the most active seniors.  The rest just don't bother.  Perhaps they sleep until 10 am, walk around in their PJs all day and watch endless commercials on TV.  I am gambling this winter with the senior centers.  However, if it proves to be a place with a bunch of "deadbeats" I am sure I will not join next winter.  Life is a gamble and sometimes you have to take a chance.  I sure wouldn't meet any lovely, nice ladies sitting here in my apartment.


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## amwassil (Sep 12, 2022)

All the folks in my life 'from the good ole days' are not necessarily dead yet, but they're not in my life anymore. Same difference. I meet new folks every day, young, old and in between. I've met and cultivated relationships with fellow staff of all ages to discuss many issues of interest. I greet and assist customers all day long and enjoy casual banter with the dailies. I especially enjoy meeting/greeting young children, both the shy and the gregarious, and marvel at their innocent wonder of the world around them. One of my greatest joys is to elicit a smile out of a young child. While I remember my past, I do not regret its passing. I'm here now and getting as much as I can from it.


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## Seren (Sep 12, 2022)

@NorthernLight and @Ruthanne - been thinking about you both and wondering how you're doing today?


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## Ron Stukey (Sep 12, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> As I have posted in other threads, I'm bored and lonely in my new town. I manage to "fill my days." But apart from a couple of online things that I enjoy, my life feels like a never-ending round of toothbrushing, housework, and other drudgery.
> 
> So yesterday my neighbor spontaneously asked me if I wanted to come along to an outdoor event. I should have jumped at the chance. It was a beautiful day, and my neighbor would have introduced me to lots of people.
> 
> ...


Guten Tag Frau "Northern Light",
or should I say Buenos Dia Senora "Northern Light"  ?

Oh, we're just working on learning different second languages. ( I do un poquito espanol.)

I was first attracted to your "northern B C" because I have a friend who lives in northwestern B C and complains about not being able to find people to talk with and not being able to get senior help.  I told her about seeing some of your posts and wondering if you two could help one another.  She is older than both of us and extremely active but her physical situation is that she cannot use a computer - the only communication method she can use is cell phone.  I have permission to give her phone number to you if you are interested but I don't want to post it publicly.   Do you know a way for me to do that?  She is a NW B C native and is currently in Campbell River, looking for a new living situation, which IMO she does need.  

The second attraction is your stated loneliness issues.  I have the same problem since we are coming out of the covid fiasco.  My motive is to share ideas.  The most important thought that has got through to me is to concentrate on my WANTS and not the things I NEED to do.  I have gotten happier doing that and not so subject to "downers" and procastination.   The second thought is that we must force ourselves to get "out there" amongst other senior people.  Yeah, I have not yet found the female companion or partner I want to make life better for one another, and I have found a lot of LOCAL women are fearful and angry (because that was delivered to them by the media and politicians), but I am seeking to understand what women our age want in our "new, modern" world.  I am a past 80 chronological but not biological age western American single male. Cheers!


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## NorthernLight (Sep 12, 2022)

Seren said:


> @NorthernLight and @Ruthanne - been thinking about you both and wondering how you're doing today?


Hi @Seren . I'm actually feeling good today. Grateful for what I have. Maybe it's just taking me a while to get used to this place.


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## NorthernLight (Sep 12, 2022)

@Ron Stukey , thank you, but I don't live in that part of the province. Campbell River is nice, right by the water, with many other beautiful places nearby. No wonder your friend is looking there! I was happy in that area, but moved away last year.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'll try to concentrate more on what I want to do. Good luck with your search.


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## Teacher Terry (Sep 12, 2022)

Yes it sounds like depression. Yesterday I had my house ripped apart doing some deep cleaning and one of my friends in the building asked me and another friend to come over. My first inclination was no because I was in the middle of stuff but then I realized I could certainly finish it later. I went to my friends for 3 hours and had a great time. It actually was just what I needed because of the smoke I haven’t went anywhere because I have asthma.  I think it’s easy to fall into just staying home because it’s easier.

Almost 2 years ago I found out my husband was cheating again. He got 2 stds during the pandemic. I filed for divorce immediately. I didn’t want to stay in the house and bought a condo. Last week I went to my stepson’s wedding and while it was fun I was depressed for a few days after seeing my ex. He was very sweet and attentive and it reminded me of when our marriage was good and I was blissfully ignorant of his cheating.

On top of this I usually spend a day or two a week with my best friend and she has Covid so I haven’t seen her in 2 weeks. I can’t walk the dogs because of the smoke. I think it’s easy to fall into the inertia trap.


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## NorthernLight (Sep 12, 2022)

@Teacher Terry  Yes, the inertia trap. Covid or smoke or being set in a routine. Or suddenly being removed from what's familiar, and feeling lost.

Or just people who upset us -- that can knock me out for days.


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## Jules (Sep 12, 2022)

Teacher Terry said:


> inertia trap.


Excellent description.  It can happen before we even notice.


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## Happy Heart (Sep 14, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> thank you so much, but just to be clear...altho' it's like a death for me, and the grieving is almost as bad , he's not dead.. he left ..


Yip, I hear you.  Never, ever put a husband through college.  I learned the hard way to be a little more selfish, but did better the next time around, much better.  You will too with time.


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## Happy Heart (Sep 14, 2022)

Packerjohn said:


> Dear Happy Heart:  I am pretty well in the same boat.  About the only person that is still living "from the good ole' days" is my brother who is always reading and borrowing books on health to me.  However, I have joined a senior center for this coming winter on the theory that those seniors who bother to join, get dressed and come on down to the senior center are among the most active seniors.  The rest just don't bother.  Perhaps they sleep until 10 am, walk around in their PJs all day and watch endless commercials on TV.  I am gambling this winter with the senior centers.  However, if it proves to be a place with a bunch of "deadbeats" I am sure I will not join next winter.  Life is a gamble and sometimes you have to take a chance.  I sure wouldn't meet any lovely, nice ladies sitting here in my apartment.


Sounds like you have a good plan.  
My neighbor and I were planning to go to New England for the Fall colors but aortic sarcoma got her first.  Just can't bring myself to go without her.  There is just something about the colors and smell of Fall in NE that only exists there.  I thought about taking the train through CA, OR, and WA to see Fall on this coast, but...


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## David777 (Sep 14, 2022)

A solo senior with everyday Saturday might learn the day before to plan, print out maps/guides/info, charge batteries, pack camera and day gear, ready clothes, pack food drinks, gas vehicle, and then next day promptly execute day road trips especially those that begin early mornings before one has the common sense to just roll over and go back to sleep. If one waits to sequence through usual morning activities, eating, dressing, etc, one is more likely to abort not confronting whatever effort. I learned to do this decades ago as a young twentysomething 8 to 5 m-f worker with weekends off I was determined to given balance put to productive enjoyment and fun. It could be a day at a golf course, a day in the city with an evening baseball game, or hiking at some regional parkland, whatever. Doing such at short notice on the day one might is a formula for being a couch 'tator.

Tomorrow this old landscape and nature photography enthusiast will rise at 5:15am PDT and be out my door before 6am early dawn.  Will drive 130 miles northward on busy SF Bay area freeways before the main commute picks up to an obscure coastal state park beach to close-up photograph colorful wet surf smoothed stones.  Had planned to go Monday but weather forecast changed from midday sun to fog.  But now Thursday is forecast for sun.  Tides are also usable with a higher tide than normal during the night that erases to a natural look any possible previous day footprints, while rearranging stone positions.


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## Packerjohn (Sep 15, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> Good luck in your new place, John.


Thanks, I am not counting the hours but I am counting the days:  only 5 more days after today.  The new building I am moving to is built of concrete for sound proofing.  Right now, I live in a 4 story wooded building where I have been "enjoying" the sound effects of the man above my room running and running around all day.  Man, is he ever active but doesn't seem to go anywhere.  I am also "enjoying" the sound effects of the lady next door as she bangs and bangs and bangs her cabinet door as she prepares her "gourmet" meals.  This place must of been built before soft closing cabinet doors were invented.

I'm like those Jeffersons on TV: "I'm movin' On Up."


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## hollydolly (Sep 15, 2022)

5 more days and 4 more sleeps listening to the acoustics of your neighbours.. and then peace perfect peace...


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## Jules (Sep 15, 2022)

@Packerjohn   Did you have a lease on this or the new place?  You’re lucky to be able to find places to rent here.  Our vacancy rate is less that 0.5%. Obviously you’ve got rid of excess possessions since you’ve moved on long a


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## caroln (Sep 15, 2022)

AprilSun said:


> For me, it's like the more I stay home, the more I want to stay home.


Whenever I feel like that I remember the quote, "a body in motion stays in motion; a body at rest stays at rest".  It gives me some motivation to get up and do something.


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## Tabby Ann (Sep 15, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> Meanwhile, I'm still hoping to do wild and crazy things like running away to South America by bus. Or boat, or hitchhiking. Anything.
> 
> Do you become resigned to doing less when you could be doing more? Is there a disconnect between what you want and what you do?


If you feel a disconnect between what you want and what you’re doing, then you may want to change your actions. But not by accepting just any invitation or by meeting just any group of people. It should be doing something you enjoy doing with quality people who enhance your life.


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## Tabby Ann (Sep 15, 2022)

Packerjohn said:


> I live in an apartment complex I have named, "The Land of the Living Dead." Mostly ladies doing nothing with their lives just waiting for death. Most are in their 80s and belong to the walker club.


I appreciate you wanting to live around those who share common interests with you, and I can sympathize with those who may be glad to see you leave. With so little socializing at your complex , it’s hard to know how you could possibly know that most ladies are doing nothing with their lives, or what you consider nothing. Many may have already made enormous contributions to life on this Earth and now, due to physical limitations, are finally doing what the great spiritual leaders have recommended for all ages, and that is taking time to contemplate things that are more mental than physical. It takes a certain amount of maturity to understand there is nothing wrong with physical activity and equally nothing wrong with those with limited physical ability.

Having physical issues that require one to be on a walker, is probably a better preparation for mortality than those who frantically seek constant activity and distraction in order to avoid thinking about their own mortality. But, ready or not, mortality comes to all of us equally and no amount of socializing will stop it.


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## Teacher Terry (Sep 15, 2022)

_John, I hope you love your new place. I am friends with 3 people in my building that are great examples of enjoying their senior years. They are 76, 78 and 90. The oldest 2 have dog sitting businesses, everyone exercises,  drives, serves on the hoa board, and many other activities. Meeting these women have been the best thing about buying my condo.  The place you are living now sounds awful. _


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## Happy Heart (Sep 16, 2022)

David777 said:


> A solo senior with everyday Saturday might learn the day before to plan, print out maps/guides/info, charge batteries, pack camera and day gear, ready clothes, pack food drinks, gas vehicle, and then next day promptly execute day road trips especially those that begin early mornings before one has the common sense to just roll over and go back to sleep. If one waits to sequence through usual morning activities, eating, dressing, etc, one is more likely to abort not confronting whatever effort. I learned to do this decades ago as a young twentysomething 8 to 5 m-f worker with weekends off I was determined to given balance put to productive enjoyment and fun. It could be a day at a golf course, a day in the city with an evening baseball game, or hiking at some regional parkland, whatever. Doing such at short notice on the day one might is a formula for being a couch 'tator.
> 
> Tomorrow this old landscape and nature photography enthusiast will rise at 5:15am PDT and be out my door before 6am early dawn.  Will drive 130 miles northward on busy SF Bay area freeways before the main commute picks up to an obscure coastal state park beach to close-up photograph colorful wet surf smoothed stones.  Had planned to go Monday but weather forecast changed from midday sun to fog.  But now Thursday is forecast for sun.  Tides are also usable with a higher tide than normal during the night that erases to a natural look any possible previous day footprints, while rearranging stone positions.


You will be getting close to us so stop by for some tea and a biscuit!  Sun is rising over the Cascades now so don't wait too long.


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## Happy Heart (Sep 16, 2022)

caroln said:


> Whenever I feel like that I remember the quote, "a body in motion stays in motion; a body at rest stays at rest".  It gives me some motivation to get up and do something.


Same idea but slightly different wording... "If you rest, you rust".


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## Alligatorob (Sep 16, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> Do you become resigned to doing less when you could be doing more?


I hope not, but probably do...


NorthernLight said:


> Meanwhile, I'm still hoping to do wild and crazy things like running away to South America by bus. Or boat, or hitchhiking. Anything.


I'm in, for bus or boat anyway, when can we leave?


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## David777 (Sep 16, 2022)

Per previous post:

https://www.seniorforums.com/threads/set-in-my-ways.74627/page-2#post-2230402

When I woke up yesterday, was not enthusiastic about the effort for the drive.  But been there many times and was out the door within 20 minutes.  Met one other person the whole day at the shore and he was a local surprised as I was anyone had climbed down there.  Have post processed 3 images so far today.  Below downsized for web version of full image A6000 56mm, 6000 by 4000 pixels. 23 shot focus stack blended.  

7 hours later back at my Forester, a group of a dozen young party minded UCD gal college students in 5 colorful vans arrived, set up some speakers in the small remote parking lot for music, several climbed atop their vans in colorful outfits and props, and sort of upper body danced as much as they knew how.  Some kind of weird endlessly repetitious Ah-Bay-Eee-Yahhh  like song on repeat one might hear at an Ecstacy rave event. Seeing me grinning, the leader asked me to join them.  I said I was a dancer but my style is more dynamic.  She insisted.  After readying my car to leave, another 20 or so, half young guys, came back from the shore below so some kind of geology field trip?  I joined them for maybe 10 minutes demonstrating what the lower half of a dancer's body could do the gals quite appreciated with much waving when I drove off.


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## Aprilbday12 (Sep 16, 2022)

Packerjohn said:


> I'm 76, live alone and I am right now packing all my "stuff" to move to a new apartment.  I envy all you married people who have a help mate where ever you live.  I'm with that Welsh poet, Dylan Thomas, and you might say I am "raging against the night" or whatever he was raging against.
> 
> I live in an apartment complex I have named, "The Land of the Living Dead."  Mostly ladies doing nothing with their lives just waiting for death.  Most are in their 80s and belong to the walker club.
> 
> ...


Hi Packer- I am moving too. This 62 and over community is full of “mean girls” who gossip all day long and decide who they will or won’t speak to. Nothing to do here. Other communities have activities like your new one. But I am going back into mixed aged community near a university. I am sure I will miss this quiet place where the only loud noise you hear is from frequent ambulances taking out those who are ill or passed on. This is a tax credit community as well so if market rent is 1500, you may pay 1300, but every year you have to hand over your bank records - all of them. So I won’t miss that at all. Will gladly pay to avoid that financial aggression. It has been challenging packing and moving out. 2 months now and I’ve needed every single day of it as it’s harder to move when you get older. For me anyway as rather than pay movers to drag my old stuff, I bought a few new things: bed, mattress, sheets, pillows, a smaller microwave, night tables, rug , etc. Only 2 more nights in this Peyton Place , Harper Valley PTA, and I’ll be out of here. A cleaner is coming tomorrow to clean- $175. Moving is expensive. And my new apt is only 350 sq ft. Once it is up and running will send pictures.


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## Aprilbday12 (Sep 16, 2022)

Sunny said:


> Well, northern BC to South America sounds like a bit of a stretch for someone who is having trouble bringing herself to attend outdoor events in her own town. Could it be a little bit of depression, maybe? Just wondering; it sounds kind of extreme.
> 
> But I also can sympathize, to a degree. There are things I'd love to do, but I don't any more, because I have trouble negotiating escalators, dealing with stairs, keeping myself running from one thing to another throughout the day. I live in a suburb of Washington, DC, and for many years have enjoyed visiting the Smithsonian museums. I haven't been there in years, not since before Covid.  It occurred to me today that I'd like to see a new exhibit they have in the National Gallery of Art, but then I thought about all the logistics of driving down to the nearest Metro station, taking a very long and fast escalator to the trains, riding the train to downtown DC, etc.  Not to mention all the hours of walking just within that huge museum. Decided not to try it until I can get someone to go with me. But I still hope to.
> 
> Probably you should try baby steps. Maybe call that neighbor back and ask if you can have another chance to do something together?


 I use metro access which will pick you up and take you back home for $6. I have a mobility scooter that makes places like that more enjoyable. The new Air and Space museum opened up so hope to visit museums this coming winter.


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## RandomName (Sep 22, 2022)

If anyone wants to 'get out' for a while, there are 3 day bus trips around. I know a 70 something woman who is always going somewhere on a bus trip. 3 days in the poconos, 3 days down to Atlantic City, etc.  

They are all group trips of some sort, with group pricing. Overnight in hotels. I guess she can afford it. Sounds expensive.


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## Leann (Sep 22, 2022)

Packerjohn said:


> Thanks, I am not counting the hours but I am counting the days:  only 5 more days after today.  The new building I am moving to is built of concrete for sound proofing.  Right now, I live in a 4 story wooded building where I have been "enjoying" the sound effects of the man above my room running and running around all day.  Man, is he ever active but doesn't seem to go anywhere.  I am also "enjoying" the sound effects of the lady next door as she bangs and bangs and bangs her cabinet door as she prepares her "gourmet" meals.  This place must of been built before soft closing cabinet doors were invented.
> 
> I'm like those Jeffersons on TV: "I'm movin' On Up."


@Packerjohn , how did the move go?


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## Lavinia (Sep 22, 2022)

I understand, Northernlight. If my neighbour suddenly invited me somewhere, I would be suspicious about their motives. I would also be worried about what it might lead to. 
If I want to go somewhere, I make my own arrangements. The only thing I did recently which was out of character for me was ask on my local Facebook community page if anyone could recommend a 'man with a van', as I had several items to take to the re-cycling but I don't have a car. A local woman very kindly offered to take me, for which I was very grateful, but I insisted on paying her.


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## NorthernLight (Sep 22, 2022)

Thank you, @Lavinia . A friend put me in touch with this neighbor before I moved here, because I didn't know anyone in town. Then when I moved here, I found out she lives right next door to my apartment building. So she seems to feel some obligation to look after me. 

However, she is extremely busy. She does invite me for family dinners every few months, so this invitation wasn't too weird. But it's more of a good neighbor thing rather than a friendly interest. I've come to realize that she isn’t interested in actually becoming friends with me.

@RandomName , I don't think they have anything like that here. The same neighbor did tell me about a same-day bus trip to a provincial park. But I'm not getting on a bus with a bunch of strangers these days. (I'm also not going to the dinners until the pandemic is over.)

When I get my pool pass,  I'll be going to the pool a couple of times a week. Between that and the things I'm already doing (housework, etc.), I don't know if I'll have any energy left over for other things. Maybe being "set in my ways" is a necessity now.


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## Mizmo (Sep 22, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> 5 more days and 4 more sleeps listening to the acoustics of your neighbours.. and then peace perfect peace...


Ah but concrete is not a soundproof barrier.
You can still hear sound through it if neighbour is noisy or voices loud though muffled.
My apartment now and others I have lived in are all encased in concrete and I have yet to live in one where it was soundproof.
The floor in particular if covered in vinyl planks can be a nightmare to the person below.
I know. I am living through it now. A man and his dog...grrr enough said.

This brings to mind an apartment I had where the neighbour's bedroom was on the other side of my living room and my sofa etc  was along that wall  where I sat for TV viewing and..... my oh my, when they got together for their happy time I could hear the lady of the house yelling out her final whoops of pleasure if you know what I mean.

However, they were a lovely middle aged couple and lovely caring neighbours so I did not have the  heart to tell them and cause them embarrassment.


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## Lavinia (Sep 22, 2022)

Mizmo said:


> Ah but concrete is not a soundproof barrier.
> You can still hear sound through it if neighbour is noisy or voices loud though muffled.
> My apartment now and others I have lived in are all encased in concrete and I have yet to live in one where it was soundproof.
> The floor in particular if covered in vinyl planks can be a nightmare to the person below.
> ...


Where I lived before, a woman said she was sure her upstairs neighbour had a horse in her apartment/flat, her footsteps were so noisy. Have you ever tried listening to yourself? It can be difficult to judge how much noise we are making unless someone tells us.


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## Mizmo (Sep 22, 2022)

Lavinia said:


> Where I lived before, a woman said she was sure her upstairs neighbour had a horse in her apartment/flat, her footsteps were so noisy. Have you ever tried listening to yourself? It can be difficult to judge how much noise we are making unless someone tells us.



Yes, one must think of noise when in community living. I am careful about that as I have lived in apartments  for many years and indeed most people are. My next door neighbour now is looking after a friend's dog, a real sweetie,  but I can hear him bark in the bedroom which adjoins hers and he likes to sleep in the same room with her. This is just a temporary situation so I can handle it.


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## Ron Stukey (Sep 22, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> @Ron Stukey , thank you, but I don't live in that part of the province. Campbell River is nice, right by the water, with many other beautiful places nearby. No wonder your friend is looking there! I was happy in that area, but moved away last year.
> 
> Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'll try to concentrate more on what I want to do. Good luck with your search.


Your reply was interesting about Campbell River.  My friend went there (from her home so far NW in B C that she can see another country from her yard) to get the medicine and treatment she needs and can't get in NW B C, and because there is one of her few surviving senior friends at CR to help her a little.  She also says really helpful senior help is a little hard to get in B C, so my thought was that you two B C residents might be able to help one another.  As a strong believer in the concept of "seniors helping seniors" I support her some but really can't help because I know nothing about Canadian senior and legal and medical services.


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