# Adult Children



## GeorgiaXplant (Jan 25, 2018)

Just read in an advice column about a mother who made her 24-year-old son move out because she didn't like his girlfriend. 

What? I've said it before, and I'll say it again: it is not up to parents to approve their grown children's choices; it is up to parents to ACCEPT their grown children's choices whether the choices are good or bad in the parents' eyes.

Their friends, jobs, lifestyle, the way they raise their own children are their choices to make.

We all had the opportunity to make our own choices as adults. They are entitled to make their own whether those are choices we'd make or not.

Rant over. Sort of. For now.
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## CindyLouWho (Jan 25, 2018)

I'd like to hear more about why she didn't like his girlfriend and is there a possibility she used that as an excuse to get her son to move out and get his own place?


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## C'est Moi (Jan 25, 2018)

I agree; we cannot live our children's lives for them.   However a 24 year old should be out on his own by now, so maybe this was mom's way of nudging him out of the nest.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Jan 25, 2018)

Mom's way of nudging him out of the nest. Nahhh. Mom should have been raising him to nudge himself out of the nest! However, that's the way it used to be; not so much these days. Kids tend to live at home longer because (1) in the current economy it's difficult to find one's own roof; even with a stellar education earning a salary that will support them on their is hard to come by and (2) because parents are way more lenient in raising their kids so that they're mature enough to leave, financially and emotionally.

I always saw my "job" as a parent was to raise my kids to be financially savvy enough and emotionally mature enough to go out into the world as responsible, thinking adults. That's not to say I was 100% successful, though. They still went out and made plenty of mistakes. If they came to me and said that there was a problem...created by themselves or that was simply life happening to them as it does to all of us, my response was to either offer advice if it was asked for or to say something to the effect of "That IS a problem. I'll be interested to hear how you overcome it."


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## nvtribefan (Jan 25, 2018)

The kids are entitled to make their choices in their own homes.


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## Leonie (Jan 25, 2018)

nvtribefan said:


> The kids are entitled to make their choices in their own homes.



This ... imagine the strain of_ sharing a house_ with a woman you don't like and your son being put in a position where he has to choose between you and the girlfriend when disagreements break out. Trust me that's a lose/lose situation.


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## Iodine (Jan 26, 2018)

I think the girlfriend was living there with the son, so mom had every right to kick them out.  If the son had been living with mom WITHOUT the girlfriend there all the time, mom wouldn't have given son the boot.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Jan 26, 2018)

Nowhere did it say that the GF was living there, too. If that_* had*_ been the case, mom should have said no to begin with. There was no mention of his level of education, whether or not he has a job, whether his still living at home was a matter of economics or immaturity or both. It merely stated that mom didn't like the GF. ​


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## WhatInThe (Jan 26, 2018)

On one hand yes it is the adult child's choice but when he brings that choice into someone else's home it's not so clear cut. If the son doesn't want conflict or disdain between mom and girlfriend keep them apart, he's the one who could be festering the problem/issues. Respect of choices is important but many parents never stop 'parenting'. The son should accept that as well along with anyone else's opinion about his girlfriend, his choice to live with not others.

I'm witnessing a similar situation now. It's probably not that rare.  The adult son and his enabling dumb like a fox girl friend alcoholics to say the least. Even I'll admit she's the worst thing that ever happened to him but apparently she enables the poop out of him running to the kitchen to refill his drink like a dog told to fetch. Not everything is Leave It To Beaver.


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## debbie in seattle (Jan 27, 2018)

Why doesn’t the adult child feel the need to move out, be an adult and enjoy his/hers own choices in mates?     In my own experience, when the girls would move in ‘temporarily’, we all reverted back to the days and roles of when they were younger.


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## WhatInThe (Jan 27, 2018)

...the need to move out...  It's probably a combination of money and convenience as much as anything. Pay no or reduced rent leaves more money for nights on the town. Also doesn't have to prioritize his resources and time with mom probably still doing a lot of his cleaning, washing etc. I wonder if the kid ever went away to college, joined the military or had male roomates. Some want an extreme comfort zone ie his home & parents. Sooner or later he needs to live with his own decisions ,choices and/or suffered consequences.


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## C'est Moi (Jan 27, 2018)

There are an awful lot of assumptions being made in this thread.   Nowhere in the OP is it stated that the 24 year old living with his mother is a problem, or that he is unemployed, or that his girl friend is moving in, etc.    Perhaps his mother enjoyed having him live with her and was simply trying to control his life by objecting to his new girlfriend.   

Families do live together, and happily.   (Not at my house, but I've heard of it.   LOL.)


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## WhatInThe (Jan 27, 2018)

C'est Moi said:


> There are an awful lot of assumptions being made in this thread.   Nowhere in the OP is it stated that the 24 year old living with his mother is a problem, or that he is unemployed, or that his girl friend is moving in, etc.    Perhaps his mother enjoyed having him live with her and was simply trying to control his life by objecting to his new girlfriend.
> 
> Families do live together, and happily.   (Not at my house, but I've heard of it.   LOL.)



I agree mostly but the son and others must realize that not everyone will actually like each other or get along. Doesn't mean they can't show some courtesy. There are oil and water mixtures/combinations. And the mother being a parent and female sees something in the girlfriend that many non parents or males will not. It's not just boyfriend-girlfriend either. A parent can tell pretty quick if their child is in with the wrong crowd. Sometimes the stink on poop will not go away no matter how one tries to frame it.

The son also has to accept that not everything they do is going to be considered ok, cool, great etc. You can't tell them what to do after a certain point but you can give guidance and offer opinion. The son can be with this girl all he wants. Family & friends don' t have to gush over this girl, courtesy is the only thing they should offer, not unconditional support. It seems the son is trying to push this girlfriend on the family. The girl friend also needs to realize she needs to tread lightly when around his family because there issues around her warranted or not.


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## C'est Moi (Jan 27, 2018)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> *Just read in an advice column about a mother who made her 24-year-old son move out because she didn't like his girlfriend.
> *
> What? I've said it before, and I'll say it again: it is not up to parents to approve their grown children's choices; it is up to parents to ACCEPT their grown children's choices whether the choices are good or bad in the parents' eyes.
> 
> ...





WhatInThe said:


> I agree mostly but the son and others must realize that not everyone will actually like each other or get along. Doesn't mean they can't show some courtesy. There are oil and water mixtures/combinations. And the mother being a parent and female sees something in the girlfriend that many non parents or males will not. It's not just boyfriend-girlfriend either. A parent can tell pretty quick if their child is in with the wrong crowd. Sometimes the stink on poop will not go away no matter how one tries to frame it.
> 
> The son also has to accept that not everything they do is going to be considered ok, cool, great etc. You can't tell them what to do after a certain point but you can give guidance and offer opinion. The son can be with this girl all he wants. Family & friends don' t have to gush over this girl, courtesy is the only thing they should offer, not unconditional support. *It seems the son is trying to push this girlfriend on the family. The girl friend also needs to realize she needs to tread lightly when around his family because there issues around her warranted or not.*



And you know all of that from one sentence in the original post???   How do you know the mother isn't the problem?   Perhaps she just wants to interfere in her grown son's life; we can only speculate with the limited information that was presented.


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## Smiling Jane (Jan 27, 2018)

C'est Moi said:


> And you know all of that from one sentence in the original post???   How do you know the mother isn't the problem?   Perhaps she just wants to interfere in her grown son's life; we can only speculate with the limited information that was presented.



Or perhaps the son is the problem and the girlfriend is spending too much time at the mother's home.

Or perhaps the girlfriend is the problem because she's loud, obnoxious, rude, and refuses to assimilate.

No way we can know any of this from the cryptic description in the advice column.


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## OneEyedDiva (Feb 1, 2018)

I'd want to know why did she ask him to leave because she didn't like the girlfriend? Did the GF cause friction and confusion? Was her son so smitten that he was neglecting to do what he's supposed to do at home? Did they live with the mother and sponge off her? I think there's more to the story.


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## Tagalong (Feb 3, 2018)

I’m just thankful my kids were raised to be independent and we’re out on their own between 18-20. All college graduates with great jobs.


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## WhatInThe (Feb 3, 2018)

Tagalong said:


> I’m just thankful my kids were raised to be independent and we’re out on their own between 18-20. All college graduates with great jobs.



Exactly. Independence is a two way street for the parents as well. No reason as adult parent should have to live with or experience the daily life of an adult child. Regardless of reason in end if the mom doesn't want a third party in her house so be it(I'll go so far as to say his wife). 

A child shouldn't expect to try to force their life and/or choices on parents. I've seen alcoholic adults try this on their senior parents. Also have to take a second look at adults so "eager" to live at home with their significant other  especially when the significant other is ok with it. The reason I say that I know pos adult children waiting for their parents to pass or become incompetent so they can inherit/take over their affairs and possessions-they already have talked about what they want to do when their gone/future inheritance.


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## jujube (Feb 3, 2018)

Adult children?  Isn't that a classic oxymoron?


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## GeorgiaXplant (Feb 5, 2018)

Okay, adult offspring.


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