# He died alone



## Leann (Apr 11, 2019)

We had been friends for five years or so. He wanted to be more than that but I didn't feel the same so we carved out a nice friendship. We lived about 10 miles apart, separated by one long country road. His health was just starting to present challenges when we met. He had one or two major health issues and elected a casual, "wait and see" approach. It didn't work. Over the ensuing years, his one or two problems multiplied five-fold. You name it, he had it. His life was an endless stream of doctors appointments and he was never without pain. 

He had two daughters, neither of whom lived nearby. He would have given anything to have them visit more often or call frequently. They didn't. I don't doubt that they loved their father but he wasn't a priority. As he grew sicker and sicker, he became more dependent. I took him to doctors appointments, to the pharmacy to pick up medications, to the emergency room more than once, to the hospital for two major surgeries and to the grocery store. I'd do his laundry periodically, clean up around his house and help with other chores. 

I'm no saint. I did this because he had no one else who cared enough to help him on an ongoing basis. It was sad. A few weeks ago his health declined quickly. He had gone to see his doctor and got prescriptions for two more medications which became part of a mind-boggling arsenal of drugs he took every day. He was weak and bloated. Forty-eight hours later he was dead. 

He died alone. I found him in his home. I wonder what his last thoughts were. I wonder if he was afraid. 

His daughters arrived within hours of learning of his passing, overwhelmed with grief, guilt and regret. How he would have loved to have spent time with them before he left this earth.

It saddens me that people can be forgotten while they are still alive. He deserved better. 

I don't know why I'm posting this other than the hope that writing this will help me process what has happened over the past few years. 

Thank you.


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## RadishRose (Apr 11, 2019)

I'm so sorry. 

You have made a good point.


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## applecruncher (Apr 11, 2019)

So sad. 
You were a good person to help your friend.


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## Aunt Bea (Apr 11, 2019)

I agree with RR it's an excellent reminder to us all.

I'm sure that your kindness meant a great deal to him.


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## Mollypops (Apr 11, 2019)

Leann, I for one am glad you have posted this. I of course did not know this man, but from what you wrote I do think he knew you as a valued friend who deeply cared for him. In his last moments I do think those thoughts had to cross his mind what a pleasure it was to have known you as a friend. I am also deeply sorry for your loss and hope just my few words may have helped a little.


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## AZ Jim (Apr 11, 2019)

I probably will also.  Had it not been for me my wonderful wife would have also been alone. People if you have old kin that you love....give up  your own "thing" and go see them before it's too late...


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## WhatInThe (Apr 11, 2019)

Condolences. 

But don't second guess yourself for any reason. You helped him out in his final days.

And just important he passed in his home. Most will tell you they'd rather go in their house and not a hospital. 

I salute for being a good person in this case in particular.


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## SeaBreeze (Apr 11, 2019)

Leann, it was sad that his daughters didn't visit and contact him more often, unfortunately that is the way in a lot of families, they are feeling the guilt now, but it's too late. 

 You were very kind to care for him, I'm sure you brightened his day every time you kept him company, took care of him, drove him to doctors and hospitals and saw to it that he had the medications he needed.  Sometimes when older folks get so sickly, they accidentally overdose on their medications, perhaps forgetting that they already took those pills and end up taking them again.  If he was in a sickly and weakened condition, it may not have taken very much to put him in danger.  He may have been afraid, or maybe just too tired to be aware of what was happening.  That's something you can never really be sure of.

You should feel some comfort in knowing that you did so much to help him while he was still living, as others have said, you are truly a good person.  My sympathy for your loss, I know it hurts you just like you were part of his family. :rose:


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## Ruth n Jersey (Apr 11, 2019)

So sorry for the loss of your friend. I'm going through a similar situation with 2 very good friends. I will not abandon them like their family has. I worked in a nursing home for many years and saw heartbreaking situations many times over. I'm happy you were there for him. It really does mean so much.


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## Aneeda72 (Apr 11, 2019)

Leann,

I am so sorry for your loss.  You were a blessing in his life, and a comfort to his children-knowing that he had you.  This story makes us all stop and think; thanks for sharing it.

AZ Jim,

In my opinion, no one dies alone.  The deity, of our choosing, is there, beside you, guiding the way home.  You will see your wife again.  I will see my boys.


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## AZ Jim (Apr 11, 2019)

Aneeda72 said:


> Leann,
> 
> I am so sorry for your loss.  You were a blessing in his life, and a comfort to his children-knowing that he had you.  This story makes us all stop and think; thanks for sharing it.
> 
> ...


I absolutely agree with you.  I am looking forward to my wife and my reunion.


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## applecruncher (Apr 11, 2019)

I've heard of cases where the only people a person has to talk to are cashiers, bus/taxi drivers, and maintenance workers.  Everyone else is so "busy".

Sometimes we need to remember that a few minutes of chitchat would make a big difference in another person's day.


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## Leann (Apr 11, 2019)

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. I'm still running the events leading up to his passing through my mind. I'll miss my conversations with him, listening to his stories about his career, the people he met along the way, the challenges he faced and the successes he didn't expect. 

He was financially disorganized and didn't give his health the attention he could have before all of the medical issues loomed large. But he wasn't mean or unkind. His pain is over now, his house has been cleaned out of his earthly stuff, his daughters still reeling from his passing. They've reached out to me several times since his death. I wanted to say that he longed for visits from them, to sit outside on the front porch and talk about anything or just sit in silence. I didn't say that. I told them that he loved them more than all of the stars in the universe. And he did.


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## chic (Apr 11, 2019)

I've seen so many people "die alone", even those with caring family members. Since we can't be holding a loved one's hand 24/7 when they're in a hospital or nursing home, it's bound to happen. This saddens me deeply.


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## Warrigal (Apr 11, 2019)

Leann said:


> Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. I'm still running the events leading up to his passing through my mind. I'll miss my conversations with him, listening to his stories about his career, the people he met along the way, the challenges he faced and the successes he didn't expect.
> 
> He was financially disorganized and didn't give his health the attention he could have before all of the medical issues loomed large. But he wasn't mean or unkind. His pain is over now, his house has been cleaned out of his earthly stuff, his daughters still reeling from his passing. They've reached out to me several times since his death. I wanted to say that he longed for visits from them, to sit outside on the front porch and talk about anything or just sit in silence. I didn't say that. I told them that he loved them more than all of the stars in the universe. And he did.



It is you who are kind, Leann, because your kindness is action, not mere words. Your friendship was a gift to this man and your thoughtful words of comfort to his daughters show loving consideration. I heard a minister once say as part of his sermon that our lives should be a blessing to others and to me it is clear that your life must have been this to many people in your little corner of the universe.

Bless you, Leann, for your loving heart.


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## gumbud (Apr 11, 2019)

reminded me of that woman living out in the Siberian woods with a neighbour just over the hill. He died alone if I recall and she was the only friend around for miles but didn't make it in time!!


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## Gary O' (Apr 11, 2019)

applecruncher said:


> I've heard of cases where the only people a person has to talk to are cashiers, bus/taxi drivers, and maintenance workers.  Everyone else is so "busy".
> 
> Sometimes we need to remember that a few minutes of chitchat would make a big difference in another person's day.



That

Is so very true

Ever gently touch a deaf and blind person?
They immediately brighten up

More often than not, a person in a checkout line, or on a bus, or just trudging down the sidewalk….
their countenance will noticeably brighten with just some light conversation….some acknowledgement of their existence.

I truly believe the greater reward mine


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## gumbud (Apr 11, 2019)

reminded me instantly of Dr Hook and Carry Me Carri


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## moviequeen1 (Apr 12, 2019)

Leann,I'm sorry for the loss of your friend
You have a very generous heart,and I'm sure he really appreciated everything you did for him.Sue


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## Buckeye (Apr 12, 2019)

Dying alone?  I'm looking forward to it.  (no disrespect to the deceased)


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## cdestroyer (Apr 12, 2019)

I will probably die alone. I never married, have no ex or offspring. I have a nephew who has not communicated since the death of my brother. I have a younger who has not communicated for severals years. Dont ask why, duh. As mentioned the only people I have to talk to are the store clerks, the librarian, the people that bring my oxygen, and the landlord once a month. Soon I hope to have a paid for in home care person come to help with some household chores.


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## gumbud (Apr 12, 2019)

I heard a story once that suggested dying people find it difficult to "pass over" whilst their bed is surrounded by relatives and friends and as soon as such a group leaves the room for just a moment then the 'passing over' occurs??


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## KingsX (Apr 12, 2019)

I had a similar friend who was diagnosed with cancer,  declined very rapidly and died five months after his first diagnosis.    Although he lived too far for me to routinely visit,  we spoke over the phone and emailed each other every day... and several times a day when he was in hospice.  His last response email to me was less than an hour before he died.


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## gumbud (Apr 12, 2019)

the rider to my comment is " they are too worried or concerned about those around that they linger to help them"


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## Warrigal (Apr 12, 2019)

Gumbud, that is exactly the experience I have had with my mother, mother in law and auntie. In spite of people attending all of them when they were in extremis, each managed to die peacefully when we had left them. I think I might do the same, after time for good byes.


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## C'est Moi (Apr 12, 2019)

We had a reverse situation with my husband's grandfather.   He was 99 years old and had lived on his own for 30 years after the death of his wife.   He got pneumonia and had to be hospitalized, and then went downhill quickly.   We drove 200 miles to his bedside, and he knew us though he was fading fast.   Within an hour of our arrival he slipped away.   It was like he waited till we got there to let go.


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## gumbud (Apr 12, 2019)

well I think it all fits into the same frame  "when everyone is hanging around they want some peace in which to pass over " and when they perhaps know someone is rushing to see them - if they can they wait out of love and then go - two sides of the same coin for me


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## rgp (Apr 13, 2019)

Leann.....

 I admire you for being the friend you were to him.......he was lucky to have you.

  May your friend rest in  peace.


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## SuzyQ (Apr 13, 2019)

gumbud,

I agree with you here, based on my own experience with several people on their deathbed.  I will probably do the same, as at this point I would rather spend time and make peace with my Maker.


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## Catlady (Apr 14, 2019)

Leann, sorry for your loss, but with all his problems he at last has peace and no more pain.  You did more than enough for him, I'm sure he knew that and appreciated you.  Like another poster said, perhaps with all the medication he was taking he may have just slipped unconscious and died, which is a peaceful way to go.  I always hope I just die in my sleep.


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## gumbud (Apr 14, 2019)

> I always hope I just die in my sleep.



me too!!


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## Ronni (Apr 15, 2019)

Gary O' said:


> More often than not, a person in a checkout line, or on a bus, or just trudging down the sidewalk….
> their countenance will noticeably brighten with just some light conversation….some acknowledgement of their existence.
> 
> I truly believe the greater reward mine



This is so very true, and made me cry.


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## Ronni (Apr 15, 2019)

gumbud said:


> I heard a story once that suggested dying people find it difficult to "pass over" whilst their bed is surrounded by relatives and friends and as soon as such a group leaves the room for just a moment then the 'passing over' occurs??



This is what happened with my Mum.  She ended up in hospice in her final days.  We'd all come to visit her, (large family) both in some groups and singly.  It just so happened that every single one of us visited all in one day, usually we spaced things out so that someone was with her each day, but that day was different for some reason that I can't now remember.  

Within 15 minutes of the very last family member leaving her side she was gone.  Just like that.  It was like she waited till she got to see everyone one last time, and then she was done.  

The other thing I've realized is that if we're close to someone, when they pass we will always have a regret or two.  That's just human nature.  I cared for my Mum in my home for several years before she was moved to hospice, and the only reason she did was just that it got too much for me to take care of alone.  With 4 small children at home, caring for her 24/7 was difficult enough, even though she was completely non-demanding, sweet and didn't ask for much.  It was only when she became incontinent that I could not longer manage her needs on my own.  

I lived with such regret after she passed.  If only I'd tried harder.  If only I'd figured out something else.  If only if only etc.  Objectively, after some time and much time wallowing around in regret, I was finally able to realize that I did more for my Mother than a lot of people would have done, I treated her kindly, she got to spend time every single day with her grandkids whom she adored, she was well taken care of with lots of conversation and companionship and no neglect or bad treatment.  Even when she went to hospice I worked out  a rotating schedule with the family and made sure that she was visited by someone every day, and we brought treats and yummy stuff for her to eat, made sure she had everything she needed AND wanted!  It was ridiculous that I had so many regrets about needing to have done more!!!  But human nature being what it is, I did anyway.  

Don't regret anything Leann.  You did a good thing for your friend.  <3


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## Leann (Apr 17, 2019)

All that remains of my friend are his ashes which will be spread after a memorial service that will take place sometime in the next month or two. I don't think I'll be attending, not out of anger or disrespect but because I'd rather remember him quietly, in my own way. 

I thank all of you for your kind words and heartfelt support and for sharing your experiences. I've read them and re-read them over and again.


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## NNJ070 (Apr 24, 2019)

Being a good friend is the most selfless thing a person can do.    I know I will die alone..there is nothing I can do about it but is still upsets me.


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## AZ Jim (Apr 24, 2019)

Asleep or awake, I will die alone.


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## Aneeda72 (Apr 25, 2019)

AZ Jim, NNJO7O, and any others,

I disagree.  Just not true.  We don’t die alone.  You won’t die alone.  We hold our loved ones in our hearts, and our memories.  They are always with us.  We feel them with every breath.  I remember carrying my son, how he kicked, how he moved, how he felt.  I never saw him.

He fought for his life in a children’s hospital many miles away.  I fought for mine elsewhere.  He is with me now.  He will be with me when I die, as will my other two infant sons which I held, and fed, and loved.  As will all my family, alive or dead, here or there, they are with me.  I could die in a ditch at the side of road in the middle of a wilderness.  It wouldn’t matter.  They are always with me.

Your despair will pass.


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