# Why do women stay in abusive relationships?



## debodun (Dec 5, 2016)

At our family Christmas party, the topic of conversation drifted onto the topic of largesse, given that you found yourself in an abundant financial position. Most people said the usual things like church, veteran's groups, medical research, etc.

Someone brought up a battered women's shelter. I piped in that I had no sympathy for battered women since they had every option to get out of a bad relationship - there is no reason to stay with an abusive partner. Well, a female cousin of mine proceeded to give a 20 minute tirade to me about women in abusive relationships and citing that many women had no option as they were financially and emotionally dependent on their partner. Then she added, "I can see why you wouldn't understand being an old maid yourself!"

She can argue about it until St. Patrick's Day - I am not convinced. What's your take?


----------



## Shalimar (Dec 5, 2016)

As a therapist, I have worked with abused women for over two decades. Rarely is their situation cut and dried. Even if they have the financial capacity to remove themselves and whatever children may be involved from the relationship, the emotional 

strength  to overcome traumatic/brainwashing effects of often prolonged physical/emotional/****** abuse, there often remains the probability of being killed by their abuser. For those who have never been abused, it can be difficult to understand the complex victimology perpetrated by violent, manipulative abusers. Many of these women come from hellish backgrounds, where they were abused as children. It is unfair to blame them for their circumstances.


----------



## Butterfly (Dec 5, 2016)

I agree with Shali.  Having worked with abused women, I know that it is not as simple as "so just leave."


----------



## jujube (Dec 5, 2016)

I've never been abused by a man and I can firmly say that* I'd *never tolerate it.  BUT, I was raised in a non-abusive household, so I wasn't raised thinking abuse was "normal".  I guess if you grow up seeing your father abuse your mother and watching her put up with it, you would think that was normal.  I don't pretend to know what is in the minds of women who stay with their abusers.....I don't understand the mind-set but I do know it is there.


----------



## Carla (Dec 5, 2016)

I can't say I fully understand it, but a lot of the time women do stay with their abusers. It's not always easy to get away. They sometimes don't realize what's happening as it can be a gradual process--they successfully isolate them from family and friends which can take time. The abuser will also degrade the woman until her self-confidence becomes non-existent.

Some women are in love with their abusers and believe things might improve but it never does. Unfortunately, the longer they are together, the more difficult it is to get away. They may be threatened and fearful of leaving. They may try to leave but are located and threatened again. Lack of self-esteem leads to hopelessness. They may believe there is no way out. This becomes their reality.

I know this because I watched my Mother in an abusive relationship and it tore our family apart. (My parents were divorced)  This went on for over thirty years. This man was an alcoholic and always carried a loaded gun with him. My older siblings became estranged but I felt an obligation to watch over her. He once held a loaded gun to my head and I told him to go ahead and he laughed! He beat her but she would deny it, he was rough and treated her mean. She would move to different places but he always found her. Finally, we were able to get her into a retirement apartment with security. To my knowledge, he never got in there but later found out there was contact. He became ill and was dying and I believe she visited him on his death bed.

It's hard to understand, I know. I still can't say I do but her story is not unlike many others. The only thing I can tell you is I've seen it up close and it has affected my life as well. It is important to recognize what's happening if you come in contact with a situation like this--know the warning signs. They can be real charmers, especially in the beginning. Just imagine when there are children involved. If it were easy, those shelters would not be in operation.


----------



## Aunt Bea (Dec 5, 2016)

If the difficulty in leaving an abusive relationship is real for an individual then it should not be minimized or scoffed at.  We all have difficulty dealing with certain situations in our lives and those situations are very real to each of us.   We need to be open to the  difficulties that others face, show some respect and offer assistance where we can.

I wonder how many others in the group may have been too timid to "pipe up" the way your cousin did.


----------



## Falcon (Dec 5, 2016)

There are many reasons, but I think the main reason is wanting to keep a roof over their head.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Dec 5, 2016)

Like others have said, there could be financial reasons or worry about the children involved.  I think some women are just afraid to leave their husbands/boyfriends, because of threats that they would hunt them down or kill them if they left.  You know the saying, 'if I can't have you, nobody will'. 

 I wouldn't tolerate abuse, and when I was a teen and saw some red flags go up with a guy I was seeing, I got out of the relationship asap.  I can't see living like that, life is too short to spend it terrified of someone you live with and walking on eggs not to anger them.  I do feel for the women in these situations though and in no way blame them.  Reasons that they stay are obviously very involved to make any judgements.


----------



## fureverywhere (Dec 5, 2016)

<<<Blood pressure rising and feeling almost instantly queasy>>>

Be happy for yourself being independent and single with a house and well established job history. Be happy for yourself that you've never experienced physical violence. But if someone has a partner that turns on them one day they can lose everything just like that. It boils down to who has the best lawyer, what part of the country you live in, how much evidence do you have. Remember they can't arrest someone until they break the law. 

If your partner has you pushed against the wall waving a shotgun in your face. It might scare you to pieces but they really haven't broken any laws...yet. You can get a restraining order. But a bunch of women have died with the restraining order in their hands. If your partner kills your family pets to get back at you. They haven't really broken a major law, they might get fined for animal cruelty. That makes them want revenge even more.

 Often the perpetrators of domestic violence see themselves in a twisted way as the victim. The actual victim might get little sympathy. Small town PA even twenty years ago had a "stitch rule". The police would not make an arrest unless there was enough damage for a set number of stitches. Otherwise they would arrest both partners and jail them as a public disturbance. Even now it's not much better. 

I used to think I could be a shelter counselor, but now I realize I couldn't do it. There are women in shelters who might have children besides. If they try to leave their abuser the social system will collapse on them. You can't tell some of them they can be free from abuse...because for some of them they can't. Off my soap box GRRRR rufffff


----------



## Shalimar (Dec 5, 2016)

fureverywhere said:


> <<<blood pressure rising and feeling almost instantly queasy>>>
> 
> be happy for yourself being independent and single with a house and well established job history. Be happy for yourself that you've never experienced physical violence. But if someone has a partner that turns on them one day they can lose everything just like that. It boils down to who has the best lawyer, what part of the country you live in, how much evidence do you have. Remember they can't arrest someone until they break the law.
> 
> ...


qft.


----------



## bluebreezes (Dec 5, 2016)

This is also an opening call to you to learn more about this issue and to find empathy for women in these situations. Whether they've sought refuge at a shelter or not, you may be unaware that you may know women in your community in abusive relationships who are afraid to tell anyone and afraid to get help. Supporting a women's shelter is a way to answer the question: if a woman came to you and asked for help getting away from her abusive husband, what would you do?


----------



## Wilberforce (Dec 5, 2016)

I also worked with  victim of domestic violence and agree as others have said it is not as cut and dried as one would think. Sometimes it happens so gradually that it is very hard to realize in the beginning just what is happening. If your partner ups and punches you right out of the blue it is pretty obvious but if the abuser starts with very small things like he doesn't like you wearing blue so you wear something else, it can be as small as that. Then perhaps he isn't keen on your best friend so you avoid inviting her over and so on and so on. At what point do you realize that this is an abusive man . Most folks think abusers  are hitters, it s not always the case. A woman can be stripped of her dignity, her self esteem , her confidence . her family even her health  and when she finally realizes what is happening so much has been taken away that it is very hard to leave. It takes money to go but it also takes a lot of courage and many abused women have long ago lost that .

It is a very complex problem and the womens shelters do a lot more than put a roof over a victims head, they need all the money they can get. Some women literally run,  they take  nothing,the shelters are life savers for some women.


----------



## Shalimar (Dec 5, 2016)

I was once assaulted by the abusive ex husband of one of my clients. Imagine what he would have done to her or their children had I divulged their whereabouts? He was a rage machine looking to erupt. Btw, he was also a highly respected surgeon.


----------



## Wilberforce (Dec 5, 2016)

Shalimar, you have just brought forward another myth..It is a common mistake that abused women are from poor backgrounds, it just isn't so is it.

I remember one woman whose husband was a well known lawyer. She herself had also been a lawyer for several years before she married but gradually she was brought down to think of herself as worthless.

So much for the theory that women staying in bad relationships are stupid.

I was never assaulted but I once put myself between a man and his wife with  three children, I was in a doorway refusing him entry, he raised his fist but I stood my ground and he   decided against it, I was never so scared in all my life. It was a neighbor and she ran to my house when he was hurting her.  I know exactly what you mean about rage machine, this man was screaming so hard he was spitting


----------



## boaterboi (Dec 5, 2016)

I know 2 MEN who were in abusive relations. The women doing the abuse. They finally ended it.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Dec 5, 2016)

Jeannine said:


> I also worked with  victim of domestic violence and agree as others have said it is not as cut and dried as one would think. Sometimes it happens so gradually that it is very hard to realize in the beginning just what is happening. If your partner ups and punches you right out of the blue it is pretty obvious but if the abuser starts with very small things like he doesn't like you wearing blue so you wear something else, it can be as small as that. Then perhaps he isn't keen on your best friend so you avoid inviting her over and so on and so on. At what point do you realize that this is an abusive man . Most folks think abusers  are hitters, it s not always the case. A woman can be stripped of her dignity, her self esteem , her confidence . her family even her health  and when she finally realizes what is happening so much has been taken away that it is very hard to leave. It takes money to go but it also takes a lot of courage and many abused women have long ago lost that .
> 
> It is a very complex problem and the womens shelters do a lot more than put a roof over a victims head, they need all the money they can get. Some women literally run,  they take  nothing,the shelters are life savers for some women.



I agree Jeannine, it's not always physical, many times it's mental and emotional abuse.  They wear the woman's self-esteem down, and want ultimate control.  I've seen many shows on TV about women (and men) being abused by their partners.  Thankfully, I haven't suffered any abuse or known anyone personally who was a victim.


----------



## fureverywhere (Dec 5, 2016)

I remember a woman I got to know in South Carolina. Two black eyes and two young children who watched Daddy push Mommy into the empty bathtub and beat her senseless. He was a state senator. Abuse isn't about economic groups.


----------



## fureverywhere (Dec 5, 2016)

Adding to these poor women...Mrs. Senator was fretting " He's starting to cut off my credit cards."...what about the kid's school tuition? My car payments? Our winter and summer properties? Our mutual investments?...

There  was a Latina Mami. She and both kids were up and perfectly groomed by 7am. She to house cleaning and the children to school. I really don't know who survived better out there.


----------



## Wilberforce (Dec 5, 2016)

As I was writing I actually thought about writing he/she..you are of course absolutely right but the statistics are very much higher for a woman being abused. This of course does not lessen the man's plight. I am glad they were able to get out


----------



## mitchezz (Dec 6, 2016)

Someone close to me was in an abusive relationship for about 20 years. Why did she stay? Because he told her if she ever left him he would track her and the kids down and kill them. She had good reason to believe he was capable of that. She "escaped" when he was killed in a car accident.


Check out the statistics...........the most dangerous time for a domestic violence victim is when they leave.


----------



## Shalimar (Dec 6, 2016)

mitchezz said:


> Someone close to me was in an abusive relationship for about 20 years. Why did she stay? Because he told her if she ever left him he would track her and the kids down and kill them. She had good reason to believe he was capable of that. She "escaped" when he was killed in a car accident.
> 
> 
> Check out the statistics...........the most dangerous time for a domestic violence victim is when they leave.


QFT. I have been to three such dv funerals in the past two years. In two of them, children were murdered also. If the abuser has resources, the capacity to hire investigators, it is very difficult for the victims to escape for long.


----------



## Cookie (Dec 6, 2016)

We have a tragic case in my city now, a neurosurgeon is charged with murdering his doctor wife, after previous assaults.  The family is devastated as are the patients of these two doctors and all friends and colleagues. Maybe he just flipped out one day, or maybe he has been abusive all along.  I believe that abused women stay because of the children, the death threats if she leaves, the social factor (religion), shame, economic reasons and of course emotional attachment/addiction to the partner.


----------



## nvtribefan (Dec 6, 2016)

bluebreezes said:


> This is also an opening call to you to learn more about this issue and to find empathy for women in these situations. Whether they've sought refuge at a shelter or not, you may be unaware that you may know women in your community in abusive relationships who are afraid to tell anyone and afraid to get help. Supporting a women's shelter is a way to answer the question: if a woman came to you and asked for help getting away from her abusive husband, what would you do?



Absolutely this!  There are so many reasons why it can be difficult for a person to extricate herself from an abusive situation.


----------



## debodun (Dec 6, 2016)

This topic came up at work one time. I mentioned at that time if I saw my partner's fist coming at me, it would be one of the last thing's he'd see. One of my co-workers (a man) said, "Now I see why you're not married!"


----------



## Wilberforce (Dec 6, 2016)

That is terrible I hope you told him so/.The trouble is the fist coming is what most people think about when domestic abuse is mentioned.,.  There are many signs of domestic abuse and as long as that is the case many women don't feel they have the right to complain or leave. There are so many signs of domestic abuse that if folks educate themselves as to what they are it can benefit oneself and the friends and neighbors around you. Most often women won't tell anyone but will confide in a friend if that friend has figured it out

This is something I feel very passionate about and feel everyone should be aware. There could be folks reading this as we speak that are in such a situation and don't know what to do. Please try and reach out to someone if that is the case, please.


----------



## Kitties (Dec 6, 2016)

My take is it's very complicated. One never knows what is in the background of these women, even back to childhood. I believe there must be some kind of Stockholm Syndrome that takes place with these women. They can also be so beaten down they can think of no other way of life or believe they can't make it without their abuser. Add kids and.....


----------



## Butterfly (Dec 7, 2016)

debodun said:


> This topic came up at work one time. *I mentioned at that time if I saw my partner's fist coming at me, it would be one of the last thing's he'd see.* One of my co-workers (a man) said, "Now I see why you're not married!"



This kind of bravado doesn't always work so well in real life, especially if the attacker outweighs the woman by, say, 100 pounds or so.  What do you do, hit him back?  Good luck with that making any difference at all.  A restraining order?  One of those and $5 will get you a Starbucks' coffee.  Call the cops?  Maybe they'll do something, maybe they won't; if they do arrest him, he's back on the streets in no time unless he's put you in ICU, even then, he won't be inside for long.  And when he's out, he may come back for you AND your children, with a vengeance.

Just today here in Albuquerque, we've had one of those "if I can't have you no one will" scenarios play out in one of the most affluent areas of town.  The abuser broke into the woman's home, put the woman in intensive care with life-threatening injuries and killed her three children.

Perhaps if she had had a safe shelter to go to, this would not have happened.


----------



## Shalimar (Dec 7, 2016)

In an earlier post I mentioned being assaulted by the ex husband of a client. He is currently in jail. Sadly, he received more time for whomping a therapist than he likely would have faced for beating his wife. So wrong.


----------



## Shalimar (Dec 7, 2016)

butterfly said:


> this kind of bravado doesn't always work so well in real life, especially if the attacker outweighs the woman by, say, 100 pounds or so.  What do you do, hit him back?  Good luck with that making any difference at all.  A restraining order?  One of those and $5 will get you a starbucks' coffee.  Call the cops?  Maybe they'll do something, maybe they won't; if they do arrest him, he's back on the streets in no time unless he's put you in icu, even then, he won't be inside for long.  And when he's out, he may come back for you and your children, with a vengeance.
> 
> Just today here in albuquerque, we've had one of those "if i can't have you no one will" scenarios play out in one of the most affluent areas of town.  The abuser broke into the woman's home, put the woman in intensive care with life-threatening injuries and killed her three children.
> 
> Perhaps if she had had a safe shelter to go to, this would not have happened.


qft.


----------



## Butterfly (Dec 7, 2016)

Kitties said:


> My take is it's very complicated. One never knows what is in the background of these women, even back to childhood. I believe there must be some kind of Stockholm Syndrome that takes place with these women. They can also be so beaten down they can think of no other way of life or believe they can't make it without their abuser. Add kids and.....



Spousal abuse is* NEVER* the fault of the victim; it is the fault of the abuser.  It is not the result of a character flaw in the victim, or a bad childhood, or anything else, it is the fault of the abuser -- *ALWAYS*.


----------



## Warrigal (Dec 7, 2016)

Butterfly is right but the victim is often trained by the abuser and others to believe that they are the one at fault.


----------



## Wilberforce (Dec 7, 2016)

One other point. the time when someone decides to flee is the most dangerous time and it is well known so someone planning it knows they are putting themselves in more danger

Echoing above.. the victim is never at fault, whether rich, poor, learned or illiterate , whether clean and healthy or into drugs, whether sober or drunk, the victim is never at fault. . Being a victim has nothing to do with how your were brought up, even if in a violent home and reactions may be similar the abuser is still at fault. She burns the dinner, comes home late, even has an affair it still is not her fault.

I watched a segment of Say Yes to the Dress last night and all the red flags and whistles blew with one of the women. The fiancé came for the first fitting and boy it was so obvious, he wanted the dress changing, he kept saying he knew what she wanted, that he was her voice, she said it was pretty as it was and gently suggested that the  long train would loko good in photographs, he said no and she let them cut off the train, she was visibly sad but said yes he knows what I want. She was a quiet spoken nice young woman who almost looked a bit nervous. Even the alteration lady tried to suggest another way but he just kept saying he knew best what she needed.It was very scary.


----------



## Kitties (Dec 7, 2016)

Butterfly said:


> Spousal abuse is* NEVER* the fault of the victim; it is the fault of the abuser.  It is not the result of a character flaw in the victim, or a bad childhood, or anything else, it is the fault of the abuser -- *ALWAYS*.



Never did I say any abuse was the fault of the one being abused. I've been an abuse victim myself. But not by a husband or boyfriend. I don't know how you culled this out of my post. I was answering why women stay. Not why they are abused. I don't get your post.


----------



## Cookie (Dec 7, 2016)

I agree Kitties, its very complicated.  Women stay trapped for many reasons through no fault of their own.  Abusers have mental health and anger issues and need rehabilitation and therapy not only the person being abused.  No easy solution.


----------



## Wilberforce (Dec 7, 2016)

Just as an interesting side note I just finished watching the movie Enough. It was very good , different and not what I was expecting and I would not suggest for a moment anyone followed the stars lead in dealing with the problem but it did convey  some valuable information for protecting yourself once you have fled and a short scene with a lawyer made it very clear that keeping it to yourself is not such a good idea.

Shalimar, I guess it is some comfort that he went into jail, he should of course have been jailed for assault on  both of you/ 

Kitties I am sorry to hear you have suffered abuse and hope you are coping with aftermath well.

The incident in Albuquerque  is terrible.

One of my daughters best friends was killed by her abuser, she had fled but she got the family  home in a divorce, he came over, strangled her, burnt the home down then killed himself, children and Grandpaents left  in a devastating  situation. The funeral was packed. She had never told anyone till after she left she felt she was safe once divorced.


----------



## aeron (Dec 8, 2016)

I'll ask my wife and get back to you!


----------



## 911 (Dec 8, 2016)

Over the years when I would answer domestic abuse calls, I heard many reasons from the women. (Believe it or not, I never had a domestic abuse call where a man claimed that he was abused.) Let's see, no money, no transportation, fear of reprisal or stalking, fear of injury or worse, the old familiar, "But I love him," "The children need their dad," "I don't want to send him to jail," "When he's not drinking, he's the best man around," "He loves us," "It's an illness and he can't help himself," "He threatened my family," "He threatened to kill himself," too many to type.


----------



## fureverywhere (Dec 8, 2016)

Even worse is when a woman needs a court appointed attorney and her partner can afford a private one. There was this legal aid worker in small town Pennsylvania. Such a small town that he was the only choice for most of the women for the local shelter. A bitter divorce himself and he would convince women that they were lying unless they could prove otherwise. Somebody like that representing *you *and you could lose everything to the abuser.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Dec 8, 2016)

911 said:


> Over the years when I would answer domestic abuse calls, I heard many reasons from the women. (Believe it or not, I never had a domestic abuse call where a man claimed that he was abused.) Let's see, no money, no transportation, fear of reprisal or stalking, fear of injury or worse, the old familiar, "But I love him," "The children need their dad," "I don't want to send him to jail," "When he's not drinking, he's the best man around," "He loves us," "It's an illness and he can't help himself," "He threatened my family," "He threatened to kill himself," too many to type.



I bet you heard a lot of them 911.  I worked with this guy whose daughter abused her husband, he felt sorry for the guy.  I think a lot of men would be embarrassed to call the authorities and claim abuse by a woman, unless maybe if they were seriously knifed or shot at with a gun.


----------



## Mrs. Robinson (Dec 8, 2016)

Having spent three of the longest years of my life trying to figure out why my youngest daughter stayed with her abuser,I learned that there is no one reason and it is a process. Meaning the man rarely starts off being abusive. It starts with being controlling. And then comes alienation from family and friends. Then the mental abuse and finally the physical abuse. I never gave up on my daughter but I started to wonder if she would ever break free. She did though,and now,17 years later,even she herself doesn`t really understand how she ever allowed herself to stay as long as she did. They had no kids,it wasn`t financial,none of the reasons you might think. She had her friends and family ready and waiting to bring her home. He did threaten to kill her if she left,but I don`t even think it was that. Oh,and by the way,he was in law enforcement....


----------



## 911 (Dec 8, 2016)

fureverywhere said:


> Even worse is when a woman needs a court appointed attorney and her partner can afford a private one. There was this legal aid worker in small town Pennsylvania. Such a small town that he was the only choice for most of the women for the local shelter. A bitter divorce himself and he would convince women that they were lying unless they could prove otherwise. Somebody like that representing *you *and you could lose everything to the abuser.



Maybe things have changed since when your story happened. Today, it's all about having the evidence. So, if a policeman is called to a home, hotel or whatever for a domestic abuse issue, the officer should first separate the two parties by putting the man in the car first. Then, go to the woman and record her injuries. If they are serious enough, the officer needs to get her medical care. Her story can wait. Getting each person's story and taking pictures of injuries will normally tell the story. However, there are exceptions, especially if the victim decides to defend them self by picking up a weapon such as a knife or gun. Then it all becomes another issue completely, especially if one of the victims does not get up, which really does happen from time to time. 

I have noticed over the years that when weapons are used in domestic abuse, men will prefer a gun and a women will prefer a knife.


----------



## Carla (Dec 8, 2016)

Mrs. Robinson said:


> Having spent three of the longest years of my life trying to figure out why my youngest daughter stayed with her abuser,I learned that there is no one reason and it is a process. Meaning the man rarely starts off being abusive. It starts with being controlling. And then comes alienation from family and friends. Then the mental abuse and finally the physical abuse. I never gave up on my daughter but I started to wonder if she would ever break free. She did though,and now,17 years later,even she herself doesn`t really understand how she ever allowed herself to stay as long as she did. They had no kids,it wasn`t financial,none of the reasons you might think. She had her friends and family ready and waiting to bring her home. He did threaten to kill her if she left,but I don`t even think it was that. Oh,and by the way,he was in law enforcement....



That had to be tough. They lose their self-esteem, that's what I believe. My mother stayed in an abusive relationship over thirty years. It was almost like she had two personalities. It began when I was in my teens and I would ask her why she tolerates it. She acted like she wanted to end it until he would appear, often drunk and obnoxious. Then she became that 
"other" person. I am glad your daughter got away safely so you could have some peace of mind. I'm sure it must have kept you up at night with worry, I know it would me. You are right--it is a process. Things usually start off quite well. It's also possessiveness. It is hard to understand why anyone would treat the person they claim to love this way.


----------



## mitchezz (Dec 8, 2016)

I'm wondering if, after reading all these posts, the OP has changed her attitude.


----------



## SandraMuniz (Feb 12, 2017)

It's a pattern's behavior used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. And she doesn't understand what's happening with her so it's necessary to understand what's happening around us and how the partner behaving . Good relationships don't make you feel like this.


----------



## applepie_luvr (Feb 13, 2017)

boaterboi said:


> I know 2 MEN who were in abusive relations. The women doing the abuse. They finally ended it.



Abusive women are the reason men die off sooner. Men rarely complain about it. They just go on - silently suffering. 

I'm not serious of course but living in a retirement community I do know couples where the wives are very hard on the hubbies and not shy about reaming the poor old guys in public. Sad really.


----------



## jujube (Feb 13, 2017)

An interesting novel about domestic violence is "Sweetsir" by Helen Yglesias.   I read it several years ago and it made quite the impression on me.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Mar 2, 2017)

I just heard this old song on the radio again, it reminded me of this thread.


----------

