# Why Do We Keep Secrets From Our Partners?



## Paco Dennis (May 24, 2021)

I thought this was a pretty accurate article on the matter.

This not a confessional thread. It is meant to discuss the feelings we have when this happens. It is very complex, so I will be interested in how others will react to it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201406/why-we-keep-secrets-our-partners


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## Keesha (May 24, 2021)

Why do we keep secrets?
‘Cause we’re smart!


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## Gary O' (May 24, 2021)

Why Do We Keep Secrets From Our Partners?​
Gotta love 'studies' and what they come to determine

Anybody that lets everything and anything fall outa their face 
ain't the brightest crayon in the box

Its why the word *discretion* came to be


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## Gaer (May 24, 2021)

Well, no, I'm NOT THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON but i don't believe in keeping secrets from your partner.  This openness  in communicatin,  IMO, brings two people closer together. Again, i may be wrong, but IMO, keeping secrets and lying keeps all these muddled thoughts from the lower mental lfunction  in your  mind and keeps you from enjoying the fullness of life!
(told you I'm weird!).


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## Pecos (May 24, 2021)

Gaer said:


> Well, no, I'm NOT THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON but i don't believe in keeping secrets from your partner.  This openness  in communicatin,  IMO, brings two people closer together. Again, i may be wrong, but IMO, keeping secrets and lying keeps all these muddled thoughts from the lower menta lfunction  in your  mind and keeps you from enjoying the fullness of life!
> (told you I'm weird!).


No, you are not weird. You always speak your truth and let the chips fall where they may. That could be difficult for many people.


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## Keesha (May 24, 2021)

I think the idea of two people sharing secrets together is a myth created by hallmark books & movies. Not everyone wants or needs to disclose everything in a relationship. Not everyone wants to know or hear about everything in a relationship hence the reason why when on a first date, it’s said to keep info about yourself to a minimum. Not too many guys want to hear about all your past failed relationships or the ones that were great but yadda yadda yadda.

I think the only reason past things need discussing is if they interfere with the relationship in the present moment. 
Clearly if someone is married and you are looking for a permanent ****** relationship then this would be something that needs to be discussed.


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## Gary O' (May 24, 2021)

Gaer said:


> Well, no, I'm NOT THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON but i don't believe in keeping secrets from your partner. This openness in communicatin, IMO, brings two people closer together. Again, i may be wrong, but IMO, keeping secrets and lying keeps all these muddled thoughts from the lower mental lfunction in your mind and keeps you from enjoying the fullness of life!
> (told you I'm weird!).


Yer not weird


Gaer said:


> keeping secrets and lying


They're not secrets
Just personal things 'tween God 'n you

There's no lying
(I'm not all that virtuous.....jus' don't care to try to keep track)
If asked, I'm layin' it down...partner wise
If its an acquaintance asking......none of yer freakin' business


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## Keesha (May 24, 2021)

I’m not into lying either. I hate liars but lying and choosing to ‘not disclose’ are not synonymous.


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## RadishRose (May 24, 2021)

What kind of secret?


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## Nathan (May 24, 2021)

In a committed relationship: no secrets concerning fidelity or finances.    In other matters- sharing what you're comfortable with.


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## Gaer (May 24, 2021)

Gary, YOU'RE AWESOME!
Well, I don't have a partner, so,
I try to keep things from my dog but he can read my mind!  hahaha!

and Pecos, You're amazing!


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## 911 (May 24, 2021)

Most psychologists tell us that when we are in a relationship having or keeping secrets are not a good idea. We are all entitled to our privacy and that’s OK, but we should not keep secrets. We just have to understand the difference between a secret and privacy.


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## IrisSenior (May 24, 2021)

After being married 28 yr to my last hubby, I have learned to keep some secrets. Revealing some of these same secrets in the past just caused a rift or argument between us and to me; it is not worth it. I also doubt I really have any secrets with hubby; it's just he hasn't yet learned to keep some 'usual' comments to himself. I am always of the mind that it won't hurt him not knowing and it will if I do tell him and none of my secrets are mind-blowing stuff that would end a relationship.


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## Sassycakes (May 24, 2021)

*I believe in Honesty between partners. I've been married for over 50yrs and have never felt the need not to be honest with my husband . Hopefully, he is just as honest with me.*


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## fmdog44 (May 24, 2021)

Gaer said:


> Well, no, I'm NOT THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON but i don't believe in keeping secrets from your partner.  This openness  in communicatin,  IMO, brings two people closer together. Again, i may be wrong, but IMO, keeping secrets and lying keeps all these muddled thoughts from the lower mental lfunction  in your  mind and keeps you from enjoying the fullness of life!
> (told you I'm weird!).


So you are saying you don't have one single secret kept?


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## fmdog44 (May 24, 2021)

Keesha said:


> I’m not into lying either. I hate liars but lying and choosing to ‘not disclose’ are not synonymous.


Keesha: ATTORNEY AT LAW


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## Lakeland living (May 24, 2021)

Honesty, absolutely, *telling all....*  NOPE.


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## Keesha (May 24, 2021)

fmdog44 said:


> Keesha: ATTORNEY AT LAW


Not a clue what your getting at nor do I care.


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## Keesha (May 24, 2021)

What’s considered a secret?


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## win231 (May 24, 2021)

Depends on the secret.
A married guy I worked with said:_ "Don't telegraph; don't telephone; just tell a woman." _


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## Buckeye (May 25, 2021)

{shrug} Maybe I do, maybe I don't.  Why do you ask?


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## Tommy (May 25, 2021)

My grandfather always said "Before you speak, ask yourself three questions:  'Is it kind?'  'Is it true?'  'Is it necessary?'  If you can't honestly answer yes to at least two of the three, then remain silent."


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## horseless carriage (May 25, 2021)

Tommy said:


> My grandfather always said "Before you speak, ask yourself three questions:  'Is it kind?'  'Is it true?'  'Is it necessary?'  If you can't honestly answer yes to at least two of the three, then remain silent."


What sound advice. Many years ago I worked with someone who decided that he would come clean about committing adultery some years previously. It cost him his beloved relationship, his home, which had to be sold and he became estranged from his two adolescent children. And for what? What was done previously couldn't be undone and as this was pre-internet days, there was little chance of his being found out.


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## Ronni (May 25, 2021)

I don’t know that I agree with the various takes on discretion versus a lie, how some things should be private, whether or not some secrets are worth keeping etc. 

I don’t have any secrets from my husband. I don’t believe it’s healthy in a relationship to keep, or have secrets, between partners.

My own take on whether it’s a secret or not is how you’d feel if it were revealed. I consider something a“secret” only if it’s something you would be uncomfortable or mortified if your partner knew. 

I want Ron to know all of me, not just the good or acceptable parts. So I don’t keep secrets from him, and I deal with the consequences head on when there’s something I do that I think maybe he wouldn’t like so much. I guess that makes me a bit weird, but that’s less stressful for me than trying to hide stuff from him that he might disapprove of or be disappointed by.


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## katlupe (May 25, 2021)

I can't speak for all people, but I know for myself in the past, I didn't necessarily think of something as a "secret" but something that happened to me, or I did, or someone told me that I did not share with my spouse or anyone else. If it came up in a conversation, I might mention it unless it was another person's secret. Sometimes, a spouse may cause you to have to watch what you say around him and it is not a secret but not mentioning something that will set him off and having a fight. I really never felt the need to tell another person my every thought or shared whatever I did or talked to. I think it depends on what exactly the secret is.


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## Lethe200 (May 29, 2021)

Married 47 yrs. No secrets on my part. If he has secrets, fine with me as I know he'd have a good reason. But honestly, I don't think he does have any from me. We're BFFs and prefer spending time with one another over time with anyone else.

We like talking over troubles and debating issues. Having someone intelligent and thoughtful to listen to you, and give you a honest opinion back........

......that's priceless!


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## Nathan (May 29, 2021)

> Why Do We Keep Secrets From Our Partners?


Not to sound critical of the human mentality, but we as a species just *aren't emotionally mature enough* to know in-depth the thoughts of other human beings.   That's why we don't have ESP.

Look at what a mess instant & widespread communications via the internet has brought, people at each others throats over what each other says and believes... 

Silence is golden!


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