# I have lost sleep over this....



## Ellen Marie (Sep 23, 2020)

For most of my life, I was very close to one of my cousins, and my cousin gave me a sealed letter 20 years ago and said when they died, to deliver the letter to their children......  we had a tremendous falling out about 10 years ago, and basically just dont speak anymore.

He husband died about a year ago.  Finally, curiosity got the best of me.   I opened the letter. 

It seems the letter is to her children telling them that their father was a pedophile.....and bisexual having fallen in love with other men.    

I was floored....no one has a clue.....i spoke with another cousin who told me I should never deliver the letter.   It would destroy the kids, who are in their 40s now.....

I bounce back and forth about what I should do......did I say the tremendous falling out was because she spread a vicious lie to the family that I was trying to steal her  husband?    The letter proves differently....and I would feel my "name" was cleared.      

There are only six cousins left, 5 cousins believed she was lying about me....but then, was she also lying about her husband?


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## PopsnTuff (Sep 23, 2020)

No I wouldn't give her grown children the letter.....it's very possible the kids already know this, if its true, and never shared it with the family....
throw it away, work on forgiving her and her husband, and keep peace and less stress with you.


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## Jules (Sep 23, 2020)

Personally, I wouldn’t give it to the kids.  She lied about you and you were a close friend and cousin.  Since you don’t have any proof of the contents of the letter, there’s no benefit in destroying the kids.  

If she really wanted to let the kids know, she would have told them herself.  I’m presuming she’s still alive.


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## Aunt Bea (Sep 24, 2020)

I would destroy the letter and never speak of its contents or your violation of your cousin's trust in you to be the custodian of the letter.


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## Wren (Sep 24, 2020)

I would burn the letter  and move on, what good can come of telling the children ?


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## Rosemarie (Sep 24, 2020)

This woman has put a tremendous responsibility on you. You know what sort of person she is, and she has already proved that she tells lies. Do you believe what the letter says? Do you think telling her children is the right thing to do, especially as the man is not around to defend himself? What purpose would it serve?


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## hollydolly (Sep 24, 2020)

NO Please... don't give the grown kids the letter. Why destroy their lives to clear your name about  a slanderous accusation their mother made.? _ *You*_ know you didn't have the affair..

Don't do it..please... nothing ever good comes to the messenger


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## Ellen Marie (Sep 24, 2020)

Reflecting on these good responses


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## Aneeda72 (Sep 24, 2020)

I also would destroy the letter.  I would have told no one about the contents and destroyed it right away.  

Thank heaven you opened it and read it!


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## Lewkat (Sep 24, 2020)

Nah, get rid of it.  Why cause more problems than she has already?  Burn it and forget it ever existed.  What a terrible onus she tried to place on you.  Obviously she has no regard for her children either.


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## hollydolly (Sep 24, 2020)

Ellen Marie said:


> Reflecting on these good responses


Incidentally Ellen Marie.. that letter wouldn't clear your name on suspicion of having an affair with him because aside from the paedophile accusation, it states he was_* bi-*******_.. not homosexual, so in essence he _could_ have had an affair with another woman..although I believe you completely when you say it wasn't you, but it wouldn't necessarily make others believe that it wasn't you


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## katlupe (Sep 24, 2020)

I agree with everyone here. She most likely was trying ruin her husband's relationship with their children. True or not, I would not tell give them that letter.


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## Pappy (Sep 24, 2020)

Absolutely not.....what good can come from it?


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## Treacle (Sep 24, 2020)

I regard it as unkind 'thing' to give  someone that responsibility knowing what was in the letter and somewhat cowardly since it would seem they did not want the responsibility themselves to deal with the issues. (Just saying and I could be wrong - no offence intended). 

Giving that letter to the 'kids' can provoke tension elsewhere, these 'things' often have a ripple effect  i.e the psychological harm does not always stop with those it was intended for. 
I agree with all the above threads. 

“Silence is sometimes the best answer” ― *Dalai Lama*


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## Gary O' (Sep 24, 2020)

Jules said:


> I wouldn’t give it to the kids. She lied about you and you were a close friend and cousin. Since you don’t have any proof of the contents of the letter, there’s no benefit in destroying the kids.


Bingo

The woman's a proven liar
Stands to reason, the letter is a lie also


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## Duster (Sep 24, 2020)

I agree with everyone else. If you don't know it to be fact, it's just rumor.  This is not any of your business, but she's tried to make you the messenger and place you in the middle of it, true or not.

The kids probably know if there's something to know.

I had an uncle {by marriage} who was a pedophile.  He ruined his 1st daughter's life and his first marriage. His reply about the accusations was always "Linda's crazy, don't believe her".  My aunt didn't believe anyone but her husband and was able to discourage anyone in her family from taking of it seriously.
After his second daughter grew up {my cousin} she got the courage to confront her parents with the numerous rapes through out her childhood.   She had been intimidated and concerned that she would also be labeled "crazy".  When it all came out, her mother didn't believe her and her brothers did. It tore their family apart and it never mended.  My cousin's life has been devastated through the abuse. So this man ruined both his 2nd daughter's lives.

As my mother has gotten older, she sometimes slips and tells me secret information that she never intended to share with a soul.  Most of it, I never needed or wanted to know.  It made me mad at things she's done.  I haven't confronted her about my thoughts.  I have decided that my brothers are better off not knowing things that would cause them pain.  It does no one any good and only causes grief.  No thanks.


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## Becky1951 (Sep 24, 2020)

Tell her you read the letter, it clearly proves she has lied about you and that you will show the letter to everyone she knows in order to prove your innocence unless she admits she lied and clears you of her accusations.

Don't really do it, but you do hold the bargaining tool.


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## StarSong (Sep 24, 2020)

People who know her well, her children included, are surely aware of her character flaws.  If she's a liar with a vicious streak, they've seen her wield that weapon many times over the years.          

I go along with the other posters. This woman has no right to destroy her children or ruin the reputation of someone isn't alive to defend himself. You have no obligation to be complicit in such an action, nor to do someone else's dirty work. 

If it were me, I'd burn the letter and never speak of the contents.


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## Knight (Sep 24, 2020)

You have  control over  what is causing you to lose sleep. 

You can get rid of the letter to keep from causing others the kind of stress you are having. Those intended to get the letter, their lives would be no better for reading it.

As for the lies you know the truth you don't have to convince anyone that cares for you. Others don't matter.


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## Pink Biz (Sep 24, 2020)

*Speaking for myself, I don't think it's wise to give advice to others on a forum regarding personal matters. But I will make an exception here because it seems the appropriate decision is so blatantly obvious.

I can't think of one positive outcome resulting from revealing the contents of the letter, not one. As @hollydolly said it doesn't even 'clear your name.'

Even if it did, that would need to be weighed against the damage it would do.*


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## Phoenix (Sep 25, 2020)

I would burn the letter.  No good can come of it.  My nephew found a letter addressed to his sister after their mother died.  He did not open it, just gave it to his sister.  It nearly destroyed her.  Now, to be fair my niece had given her mother a lot of hard times and the letter addressed that. But reading the letter did no good at all for my niece.  Her mother, my sister-in-law, had been through hell because of my brother and left him.  So had both kids.  All three of them were severely traumatized because of the murders my brother committed.  My sister-in-law did the best she could.  The kids were 11 and 15 at the time of the murders.  All of it was horrible.  So when their mother died twenty years later, it further damaged the kids.  My niece did not need that letter, she would have reached the conclusion on her own.  Both kids, now 52 and 56 are still not okay. My niece became an alcoholic and won't let anyone close.

Please destroy the letter.


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## Pecos (Sep 25, 2020)

Becky1951 said:


> Tell her you read the letter, it clearly proves she has lied about you and that you will show the letter to everyone she knows in order to prove your innocence unless she admits she lied and clears you of her accusations.
> 
> Don't really do it, but you do hold the bargaining tool.


This is the best option that I have read so far. 
I would not want to be in the middle of something like this.

Take your time in making this decision, and stop losing sleep. 
You did not create this situation, and thrusting you into it was very unfair, dishonest, and cowardly.


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## Aneeda72 (Sep 25, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> I would burn the letter.  No good can come of it.  My nephew found a letter addressed to his sister after their mother died.  He did not open it, just gave it to his sister.  It nearly destroyed her.  Now, to be fair my niece had given her mother a lot of hard times and the letter addressed that. But reading the letter did no good at all for my niece.  Her mother, my sister-in-law, had been through hell because of my brother and left him.  So had both kids.  All three of them were severely traumatized because of the murders my brother committed.  My sister-in-law did the best she could.  The kids were 11 and 15 at the time of the murders.  All of it was horrible.  So when their mother died twenty years later, it further damaged the kids.  My niece did not need that letter, she would have reached the conclusion on her own.  Both kids, now 52 and 56 are still not okay. My niece became an alcoholic and won't let anyone close.
> 
> Please destroy the letter.


So very sorry this happened to all of you, I am sure you are traumatized as well.  There are no words except so very sorry for your pain.


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## Phoenix (Sep 25, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> So very sorry this happened to all of you, I am sure you are traumatized as well.  There are no words except so very sorry for your pain.


Thank you.  Yes, the trauma was severe and long term.  But I learned more from that horrendous experience than I have from the other tragedies in my life.  There is often nothing we can do to stop tragedies, but if we learn and grow from them, they become seeds that can help us become more compassionate caring people.  And after a lot of inner work they can lead us to inner peace.  It's an ongoing process.


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## gennie (Sep 25, 2020)

If you wanted to mess with her, you could always mail her just the opened envelope without your return address, of course.  Yours may not be the only such letter she has given out.  

The letter itself?  Burn it and never speak or think of it again. Doing as she asked would be beyond cruel.


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## Ceege (Sep 25, 2020)

The question is, "Would it help those children to have this information or would it hurt them?"  If it would hurt them then shred that letter and don't give it another thought.  I would lose more sleep over telling them and seeing it hurt them in so many ways.  I would find comfort in knowing I protected them.
If the phrase "First do no harm" is to mean anything, it is that we think about it and do the least harmful thing.


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## Gaer (Sep 25, 2020)

Burn the letter.  Forget it!
You don't want to cause pain to the children. (now in their 40's)
I wouldn't even confront her.  Just let it go!
I had a similar decision about telling truths about my ex-husband to my children.
They things i could have told them would have hurt them deeply, but they were TRUE!
I chose to say nothing!
Years have passed and I'm glad about my decision.
There is enough pain in the world.

Forget the past.  Forgive everyone who hurt you in the past.  Bless them and pray for them because they need these blessings more than anyone!
I should add, IMO!


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## jujube (Sep 25, 2020)

Destroy the letter.  Don't contact her, don't send it back.  

If she ever asks you about the letter, respond with "what letter?"


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## Jules (Sep 25, 2020)

Under no circumstances should you discuss this letter with her.  She was unstable and conniving then, you have no reason to think she may have changed.  If you choose to keep the letter, reseal it with the reasons for your decisions inside it.  If you have a safe deposit box, keep it there to be forgotten.  When she dies, destroy the letter.


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## Bethea (Sep 26, 2020)

*T - is it True?
H - is it Helpful?
I - is it Inspiring?
N - is it Necessary?
K - is it Kind?*


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## Pepper (Sep 26, 2020)

Bethea said:


> *T - is it True?
> H - is it Helpful?
> I - is it Inspiring?
> N - is it Necessary?
> K - is it Kind?*


That's what the Reiki people say.


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## Treacle (Sep 26, 2020)

Pepper said:


> That's what the Reiki people say.


Love that @Pepper will use that if I may?  ☺


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## Pepper (Sep 26, 2020)

Treacle said:


> Love that @Pepper will use that if I may?  ☺


You don't need my permission!


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## Treacle (Sep 26, 2020)

Pepper said:


> You don't need my permission!


Thank you  ☺


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## Sassycakes (Sep 26, 2020)

*I would never show them the letter and I would destroy it. More than likely she propably gave the same letter to someone else to make sure her family saw it,since she no longer speaks to you. That would also be a problem for the other person to decide what to do. Hopefully if she did send it to someone else they would destroy it too.*


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## CarolfromTX (Sep 29, 2020)

Burn it. And shame on her for keeping the secret that he was a pedophile, if it was indeed true.


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## old medic (Sep 30, 2020)

You seem to know shes a hornets nest... Why smack it with a stick...
Write her and the letter off as BS and get a nap.


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## fuzzybuddy (Oct 23, 2020)

If this woman felt that her children should know those things about their father, then she should have told them. when she was alive. The idea of delivering such a letter, AFTER she's dead is a bunch of bull.  I'm glad you opened it. Burn the letter, and erased this vindictive person from your memory.


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## WhatInThe (Oct 26, 2020)

In this day and age I think the children would pick up on things a lot quicker and easier than decades ago simply because these topics are more openly discussed and more information available.


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