# The Cheeky Friendly Banter Thread!



## boozercruiser

*Hello everyone. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





Cheeky Friendly Banter? *

*Well I suppose we all have our own idea of what that is!
But really, this could be about almost anything one would be chatting, laughing and joking about down at the local pub or bar perhaps.*
*Or wherever with our friends.*
*And of course some people, particularly down at the Boozer  can be rather riskay.
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



But as far as I am concerned, the world is your oyster though in respect of subjects, jokes, smiley's, videos etc. etc. which involve Friendly Cheeky Banter.

For instance...*





*Or...*
*AIDS WARNING**!*





*To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this  post  is** especially for you......*

*SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!*

*HEARING AIDS 

BAND AIDS 

ROLL AIDS 

WALKING AIDS  

MEDICAL AIDS 

GOVERNMENT AIDS 

MOST OF ALL, *

*MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS! *


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## Lara

...and a 1 and a 2 and another round :cheers: :jammin:


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## boozercruiser

*Thank you for that post Lara.
Very sexy in a lovely kind of way.

Meanwhile..

Blooming immigrants will try anything to get to the UK! *layful:


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## Pappy

Hope this fits the thread.


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## boozercruiser

Pappy said:


> Hope this fits the thread.



*





It did!
It did!

And I love your signature as well Pappy !

The inventor of throat lozenges has died.
The will be no coffin at his funeral. 



*


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## Meanderer




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## boozercruiser

*Thank you very much for contributing to this thread guys.
If it makes anyone happy, or gives a giggle.
Well I am happy also!

*
*[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]Bob and the Blonde... a sad story so get your handkerchief out!!!![/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]He sat down next to a blonde at the bar[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]And stared up at the TV.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]The 10 PM news was coming on.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]The news crew was covering the story[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]Of a man on the ledge of a large building[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]Preparing to jump.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]The blonde looked at Bob and said,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]"Do you think he'll jump?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]Bob said,"You know, I bet he'll jump."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]"You're on!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]The guy on the ledge[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]Did a swan dive off the building,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]Falling to his death.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]The blonde was very upset,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]"Fair's fair. Here's your money."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]Bob replied, I can't take your money.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]So I knew he would jump."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]
The blonde replied, "I did, too,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]But I didn't think he'd do it again."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Tahoma, DejaVu Sans, sans-serif]Bob took the money!!![/FONT]*


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## Lara

Pappy, haha, actually laughed out loud. Did you know that some grocery stores really do have a thunder sound along with the spraying of the produce? Like a rainforest. Scared me the first time it happened right when I was reaching in for veggies. A towel boy would have been appreciated.  :angel:

I haven't seen misting or heard thunder in the supermarkets in a long time though. I think they may have stopped. I had read an article years ago that there was concern about bacteria building up in the sprayer nozzles and getting on the produce.

.


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## Meanderer

Be advised....


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## Pappy

Lara. I hadn't heard about the different smells idea. But back in the early 60s, I worked in a supermarket and we were the first store in town to play music. Speakers were installed and we actually played records, 45 rpms, at first. Eventually, music was piped in.


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## Meanderer

Volume check, in Isle 3!layful:


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## boozercruiser

Meanderer said:


> Be advised....



Funnily enough Meander, and seriously, from when I was aged 33 to 53 I used to wear a Wig!
that was the worse thing I ever did, as looking back I was more handsome without the wig than with it!
Now I am an even more handsome Slap Head!


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## Lara

Pappy said:


> ...back in the early 60s, I worked in a supermarket and we were the first store in town to play music. Speakers were installed and we actually played records, 45 rpms, at first. Eventually, music was piped in.


Well, guess what?! You all were on the right track according to studies at the Cosmodal Laboratory at Oxford University. But did you play the appropriate music is the question! For instance, high notes enhance sweetness and low notes enhance bitterness. Studies are also matching pitches with odors. http://www.theguardian.com/lifeands.../mar/11/sound-affects-taste-food-sweet-bitter.

I took their taste test with their music provided. I noticed a very slight difference, if any. But the one I thought might be more bitter matched with the appropriate frequency. I didn't know which frequency produced which when I first took the test. I don't really think it works but if you want to try it, here's the test: http://condimentjunkie.co.uk/blog/2015/4/27/bittersweet-symphony

Meanwhile, here's some music I KNOW will work to enhance the taste of a burger for you guys haha:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHWTc8cUhkw (Kate Upton is a well known and respected supermodel, honest tsk tsk)


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## Meanderer

boozercruiser said:


> Funnily enough Meander, and seriously, from when I was aged 33 to 53 I used to wear a Wig!
> that was the worse thing I ever did, as looking back I was more handsome without the wig than with it!
> Now I am an even more handsome Slap Head!


Choosing not to wear a wig, is like choosing to attend a come-as-you-are LIFE!  Good move bc!



Lara said:


> Meanwhile, here's some music I KNOW will work to enhance the taste of a burger for you guys haha:
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHWTc8cUhkw (Kate Upton is a well known and respected supermodel, honest tsk tsk)


...burger?....WHAT burger??


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## Shalimar

Bald is not unattractive in the least.


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## boozercruiser

Shalimar said:


> Bald is not unattractive in the least.



Best at thing I ever did getting shot of That wig.
In fact folks, I even used to call it Roland Rat.
And it probably made me look like a....Prat!


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## Lara

boozer cruiser, You did good! I love the natural look.



			
				meanderer said:
			
		

> ...burger?....WHAT burger??


haha…I figured as much.


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## boozercruiser

What a Cheeky post! 
So then. Would YOU have one installed in YOUR home?
I mean.
Is this 'togetherness' or what?


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## Shalimar

Not me Boozer. That's a little too close for comfort, know what I mean? Lol.


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## boozercruiser

Shalimar said:


> Not me Boozer. That's a little too close for comfort, know what I mean? Lol.



*I Do.
I Do.

BUT...*
*I bet that you didn't know any of these facts!
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	


*


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## Shalimar

Wow Boozer, food for thought. Here is a joke for you. What do you call a handcuffed man? Answer - trustworthy! Lolololol. Boom.


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## boozercruiser

*hmmmmm 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	


*


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## boozercruiser

*After forty years of marriage, a wife asked her husband to **describe her. *

*He looked at her for a while, then said: *

*"My darling, all I can say is this"..*

*"You're an alphabet wife... **A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.**"*

*She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"*

*He replied: *
*"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,**Gorgeous and Hot".*

*She smiled happily and said: *
*"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"*

*He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"*




*..................................................*

*I am please to report that the**swelling of his black eye eyes are going down.*
*And the Doctors are hoping to save his testicles.*

*



*


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## boozercruiser

Talking of cats.
These pussies are certainly enjoying themselves.


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## Pappy




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## boozercruiser

Good morning folks.
I hope to cheer you up with this joke...

A Bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take
you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am
and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment you know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts.

There's no point in you coming in for that now then, is there?!"


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## Pappy

Always hated those darn brushes.


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## Shirley

Lol!


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## boozercruiser

Shirley said:


> Lol!








And I never looked at it like that Shirley!


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## venus

*EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY *

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God. 

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. 

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.' 

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'. 

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' 

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes  

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. 

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?' 

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' 

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless breast?' *Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib? *

Send to men with a sense of humour & women who figure this makes sense.
 









​
​


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## Pappy

Oh boy. It's here....


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## venus

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. 


j ​
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. 




​

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

*"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"*

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..



(you're going to love this) 

​





*"Repaint!  Repaint!  And thin no more!"*​
 



​


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## boozercruiser

*Thats a cracker Venus.
A cracker!

Now then...

OUCH! *
*So there boozercruiser was sitting with my computer the other day drafting my will.
I called out to my wife whose name is Chris...*



*"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, DARLING!"*



*SHE SHOUTED BACK TO ME...
"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!!**" *







*Charming!*​


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## boozercruiser

*And theirs more!
**A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.* 
*HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. 
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK... 
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT*
*WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.* *
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."* *
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET."* *
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES...*
*BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"* 


​








*

BILLY SAYS:  "IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE MUMMY!"* 




​


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## boozercruiser

Will go for a lovely beach walk soon.
The only worry is that this always happens!






Still.
A Man has gotta do what a Man has got to do!layful:


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## Pappy

A little to much to drink.


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## boozercruiser

Pappy said:


> A little to much to drink.


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## Pappy

One more:


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## boozercruiser

Pappy said:


> One more:


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## Shirley

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking, surely i can't look that old.


Well . . .you'll love this one.






My name is alice, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first
appointment with a new dentist.






I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same
name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.






Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?






Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.






This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too
old to have been my classmate.






After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park
high school.






'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.






When did you graduate?' i asked.






He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'






you were in my class!', i exclaimed.






He looked at me closely.






Then, that ugly,






old,






bald,






wrinkled faced,






fat-assed,






gray-haired,






decrepit






son-of-a-bitch






asked,








'what did you teach???


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## boozercruiser

*Nice one Shirley.
Thank you.
*
*For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.  Here's an update for you:
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. 






Men are like.... 

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you. 
2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.. 
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ...Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 
6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say. 
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature. 
9. Men are like ....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 
12! . Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. *


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## Shirley

Funny!


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## boozercruiser

Shirley said:


> Funny!



So why does that poor little Mushroom hate the game Shirley ?

Anyway. 
Lets get really cheeky...

*I was sent the below by a friend, and of course no offence is meant to Americans, Canadians, The Scots or anyone else ! 


*
How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

*QUESTION:* You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your trucheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.  What do you do ?

*ANSWER:
*
*British  Police Officer*:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ? 

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?


*Canadian Police Officer:
*
BANG !

*American Police Officer:
*
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


*Glasgow Police Officer:*


"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"
 
​





​​


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## Pappy

Let's go to the vets.


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## boozercruiser

Gosh Pappy.
I love that one! 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




BUT...

I also love your signature there...

*My wife ask me to pass the lip balm. I gave her crazy glue by mistake. She hasn't talked to me since.

*Now then Pappy
I live in the UK.
Where do I buy Crazy Glue ?


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## Shirley

Pappy's siggies always make me laugh.


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## boozercruiser

Blimey Shirley.
I got worried when I got to the middle funny there!
Cracking joke though! 












*Ready Steady GO!
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	


*


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## Shalimar

Beautiful cats.


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## boozercruiser

They certainly are Shalimar!

Now then...
What would YOU do?...

         Here is the situation: 

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. 

On your right side is a sharp drop-off. 

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. 

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to 
overtake it. 

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo. 

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation ? 



 Answer:


Act your age and get off the kids' merry-go-round !


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## Grumpy Ol' Man

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me..., ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." 
 "We don't have any." replied the first woman. 
 "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden. 
 "But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." 
 The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left. 
 As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"


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## Pappy

Elsie's strip club.


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## boozercruiser

Pappy said:


> Elsie's strip club.



Oh! Pappy, that one had me roling on the floor!


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## Shirley




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## Shirley




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## boozercruiser

And talking about Wine Shirley...

Here is a fine tale about a WINE CONNOISSEUR! 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




At a wine merchants, the regular taster died and the director started looking FOR a new one to hire.   
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. 
He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said: "It's a Muscat", three years old, grown on a north slope,
matured in steel containers.  Low grade, but acceptable. "That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct." A third glass...''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. 
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, 
I'll name the father!"


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## Falcon

Love it  BC    :lol1:


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## tinytn

*this is probably an old but a goodie.. LD*


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## Pappy

Maybe he needs glasses.


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## Pappy

Did you forget something?


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## Shalimar

Pappy, lolololol.


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## boozercruiser

Pappy said:


> Did you forget something?



I love your funnies there Pappy.
Thank you for posting them

In the meantime my friend.
Can I buy you a burger?
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	









Or perhaps even a Pizza?


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## Pappy

Yes you can, boozer, if you will quit drooling.


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## Shirley

What did the nervous robber say?







Get your hands up, you mother sticker, this is a buck up! Give me your brains or I'll blow your money out!


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## boozercruiser

Shirley said:


> What did the nervous robber say?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *Get your hands up, you mother sticker, this is a buck up! Give me your brains or I'll blow your money out!*


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## Pappy

One more:


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## Shalimar

Shirley, I nominate you and Jujube for sf best comedians. Yaaaay!


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## Shirley

Personally, I think you're all nuts.


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## Shalimar

Wow mantis snuff sex.  You guys crack me up! Lol.


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## Pappy

This could go in the "around the corner" thread too.


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## boozercruiser

Pappy said:


> This could go in the "around the corner" thread too.















  !!!


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## Pappy

Kids these days.....


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## Shalimar

Pappy, lolololol.


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## boozercruiser




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## Pappy

Damn elevators.


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## Kadee

Pappy :rofl:


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## Shirley




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## boozercruiser

Shirley said:


> View attachment 22830



That cracker reminded me of this one Shirley!....







       :love_heart:


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## Pappy

This picture of me is almost 78 years old.


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## boozercruiser

Pappy said:


> This picture of me is almost 78 years old.




Hey Pappy.
You were lookin' good for a young un !


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## Grumpy Ol' Man




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## boozercruiser

*Whip me, whip me!!
*





*Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona ( being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,
*
*obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his
*
*van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse
in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit
*
*so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen! *



​


----------



## Pappy

Boozer.......:clap::clap:


----------



## Pappy

Hate those bike rides......


----------



## Shirley




----------



## boozercruiser

Shirley said:


> View attachment 22895



*Thank you Shirley.
And there's more! *





*MEDICAL UPDATE* 
*Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood  transfusion!  
This is good to know.* 

*MEDICAL  ALERT*



*Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood  rather than human blood. 

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. 

Just thought you'd like to know. 






BLESSED ARE THOSE  WHO ARE CRACKED,  FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT! 

Okay, I'll be taken back to the home now. *layful:

​


----------



## Pookie




----------



## Shalimar

Pookie, sooo funny!


----------



## Pappy

Cupid. If I were you, I'd skip this one.


----------



## boozercruiser

Pookie said:


>




Aaaawwwww Poor Pussy. 
Bless!


----------



## boozercruiser

*" Morning Sex "

So there my Missus was this morning, standing in the kitchen, preparing my usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
*
*
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make mad passionate love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen
table.

Afterwards she said to me, "Thank you darling" and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about my Love?"

She explained, "the egg timers broken Dear" !!!*​
​


----------



## Falcon

How do you like being the 3 minute egg timer, Boozer? You wanna do it every morning BEFORE breakfast? LOL


----------



## Pookie

Pappy said:


> Cupid. If I were you, I'd skip this one.



Ouch! Good advice.


----------



## boozercruiser

Falcon said:


> How do you like being the 3 minute egg timer, Boozer? You wanna do it every morning BEFORE breakfast? LOL



Why not Falcon?
That is EGGSACTLY what I want! layful:

Now then Guys, I reckon that this is the Gods honest truth!....


----------



## boozercruiser

This chap has warmed the cockles of my heart, and could easily be my mentor.
He says...​
"It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Read on...​As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.​
Harold Schlumberg is such a person:
​






"I'm often asked,   'What do you do now that you're retired?'
"Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical/pharmaceutical background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine".
​
"It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it." 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



​


----------



## Pookie




----------



## Pookie

LOL!!!!

The town drunk was sitting on a sidewalk with his back up against the wall of a three-story, flat-roofed building which housed the local brothel.

A well-dressed man stepped around him, went inside, and walked up to the madam.

"I'd like to have your best girl," he said.

"Okay," said the madam, "but it's gonna cost you."

"Money is no object to me," he assured her. "And I want to partake of her pleasures on the roof."

The madam gasped. "Son, that's REALLY gonna cost you!"

"As I indicated, madam, money is no object to me," he repeated.

They settle on a price, the man takes the girl up on the roof. They start rolling around and around, having a good old time up there, when suddenly they get carried away. They roll right off the roof and land right smack in front of the town drunk on the sidewalk.

The drunk looks at them, looks up at the roof, looks at them again, looks back up at the roof. He gets up and staggers into the building and up to the madam.

"Hey, lady, your sign just fell down."


----------



## boozercruiser

*LOL.
That's a cracker Pookie**Now then Pookie. Have you ever considered the Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 or even 70!


01.    Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.    In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03.    No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04.    People call at 9 PM and ask. "Did I wake you?"

05.    People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06.    There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07.    Things you buy now won't wear out.

08.    You can eat supper at 5 PM.

09.    You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10.    You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11.    You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.    You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

13.    You sing along with elevator music.

14.    Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16.    Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.    Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18.    Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19.    You can't remember who sent you this list.

20.    And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

21. You can't remember your dog's name, but when you need her, you rattle the treat jar.

22. You consider walking farts "controlled emissions."

23. The last time anyone checked your ID, they asked for your AARP card.

24. Your sense of humour, as well as your boobs, have sunk to new lows.

*



*



Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!


And a word to the wise:     Never, under any circumstances,*
*take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night !*

​


----------



## Pookie

HAHAHAHA! Boozercruiser!

Add:

You can't remember your dog's name, but when you need her, you rattle the treat jar.

You consider walking farts "controlled emissions."

The last time anyone checked your ID, they asked for your AARP card.

Your sense of humor, as well as your boobs, have sunk to new lows.


I'll come up with more....


----------



## Grumpy Ol' Man




----------



## Shirley

He better be already lying down when he tries it. :hiteachother:


----------



## Shalimar

Wow. Fortunately, I don't know any men like that or I might be in jail.....


----------



## Falcon

Oh yeah!?   I tried that just  *ONCE.   After that I had to wait on HER.


Any other advice?*


----------



## Shirley




----------



## Shalimar

Shirley, lolololololol.


----------



## Shirley

Sometimes truth is funnier than fiction. :whome:


----------



## Shalimar

Hmmm. Shirley, when do your memoirs come out? May I please have an autographed copy ? Lolololol.


----------



## Grumpy Ol' Man

Shirley said:


> View attachment 22971



Love it!!!  Great comeback!!!!!


----------



## Ina




----------



## boozercruiser

Pookie said:


> HAHAHAHA! Boozercruiser!
> 
> Add:
> 
> You can't remember your dog's name, but when you need her, you rattle the treat jar.
> 
> You consider walking farts "controlled emissions."
> 
> The last time anyone checked your ID, they asked for your AARP card.
> 
> Your sense of humor, as well as your boobs, have sunk to new lows.
> 
> 
> I'll come up with more....



They are brilliant Pookie.
Have added those to the list! 

Any more for any more?


----------



## boozercruiser

Grumpy Ol' Man said:


> View attachment 22960



Right Grumpy.
I am going to start training my Wife on that lot now!
Wish me good luck on holding on to my teeth!


----------



## boozercruiser

Ina said:


> View attachment 22975



Right Ina
I am off to the Docs first thing in the morning.
My clutch has definitely slipped!


----------



## Pappy

The general has spoken.


----------



## Pookie

Grumpy Ol' Man said:


> View attachment 22960



I have a major rebuttal to that! LOL!!

1. Throw slippers and pipe at him. Hope he catches them.


2. Massage his feet with a belt sander. That'll teach him.


3. Make him get his own dang beer and snacks. He's still ambulatory and can find the kitchen.


4. Dump him in front of the TV while you retreat to the computer room and post stuff like this on Senior Forums.


5. Ignore non-verbal cues until he resorts to speaking then start up the vacuum cleaner and you can't hear him anyway.


6. Answer "Yes, dear," then tell him what to go do with himself. Be creative.


7. Let the dog greet him at the door. Remain in the computer room posting stuff like this on Senior Forums.


It ain't hard, ladies....LOL!


----------



## boozercruiser

Pookie said:


> I have a major rebuttal to that! LOL!!
> 
> 1. Throw slippers and pipe at him. Hope he catches them.
> 
> 
> 2. Massage his feet with a belt sander. That'll teach him.
> 
> 
> 3. Make him get his own dang beer and snacks. He's still ambulatory and can find the kitchen.
> 
> 
> 4. Dump him in front of the TV while you retreat to the computer room and post stuff like this on Senior Forums.
> 
> 
> 5. Ignore non-verbal cues until he resorts to speaking then start up the vacuum cleaner and you can't hear him anyway.
> 
> 
> 6. Answer "Yes, dear," then tell him what to go do with himself. Be creative.
> 
> 
> 7. Let the dog greet him at the door. Remain in the computer room posting stuff like this on Senior Forums.
> 
> 
> It ain't hard, ladies....LOL!



Hey Ladies, don't take any notice of Pookie there.
She doesn't know what she is talking about! layful:
And you don't want a divorce now.
Do you?


----------



## Shalimar

Go Pookie! Lolololol. Boozer, go stand in the corner until we let you out. HaHaHaHaHaHa.


----------



## boozercruiser

Shalimar said:


> Go Pookie! Lolololol. Boozer, go stand in the corner until we let you out. HaHaHaHaHaHa.






*Subject:* *Fwd: A BANK ROBBERY IN MINNESOTA*​
_*A HOODED ROBBER BURST INTO A MINNESOTA BANK AND FORCED THE TELLERS TO LOAD A SACK FULL OF CASH.


ON HIS WAY OUT THE DOOR, A BRAVE MINNESOTA CUSTOMER STRUGGLED WITH THE ROBBER, GRABBED THE HOOD AND PULLED IT OFF.


THE ROBBER SHOT THE CUSTOMER DEAD WITHOUT A MOMENT’S HESITATION.



HE THEN LOOKED AROUND THE BANK AND NOTICED ONE OF THE TELLERS LOOKING STRAIGHT AT HIM. 
THE ROBBER INSTANTLY SHOT HIM DEAD.



EVERYONE IN THE BANK, BY NOW PETRIFIED, LOOKED INTENTLY DOWN AT THE FLOOR IN SILENCE.



THE ROBBER YELLED, "WELL, DID ANYONE ELSE SEE MY FACE?"


THERE WERE A FEW MOMENTS OF UTTER SILENCE IN WHICH EVERYONE WAS PLAINLY TOO AFRAID TO SPEAK.
 THEN, ONE OLD NORWEGIAN NAMED OLAF FROM MINNESOTA TENTATIVELY RAISED HIS HAND AND SAID,



"MY WIFE GOT A PRETTY GOOD LOOK AT YOU!" 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	






*_​


----------



## Falcon

LOL  Boozer.  Good one.


----------



## Pookie

boozercruiser said:


> Hey Ladies, don't take any notice of Pookie there.
> She doesn't know what she is talking about! layful:
> And you don't want a divorce now.
> Do you?




I don't believe in divorce. That's why I bought a house with a crawlspace.


----------



## Pookie

Shalimar said:


> Go Pookie! Lolololol. Boozer, go stand in the corner until we let you out. HaHaHaHaHaHa.



Do we really have to let him out?


----------



## boozercruiser

Pookie said:


> Do we really have to let him out?


----------



## boozercruiser

*The PERFECT HUSBAND  


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk... Everyone else in the room stops to listen.   
MAN: "Hello" 

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" 

MAN: "Yes" 

WOMAN: "I am at Marks & Spencer's now and found this beautiful leather coat. 
It's only £500. Is it OK if I buy it?" 

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.." 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2015 models. I saw one I really liked." 

MAN: "How much?" 

WOMAN: "£140.000" 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the extras." 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £600.000" 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £550.000. 
They will probably take it. If not, we can go  the extra £50 thousand it's still really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" 

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. 


He turns and asks:

 "Does Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" *










​


----------



## Pookie

LOL Boozer!

This older couple goes out for a Sunday drive, and as they talk, they get into an argument. Then they stop speaking to each other, silently fuming.

They go by a pasture full of cows, and the man mutters, "Looks like some of your relatives."

His wife smiles sweetly, pats his thigh, and says, "You're exactly right, dear. In-laws."


----------



## boozercruiser

*Please don't hate me Ladies.
Just having some fun with some sexist jokes.
I don't mean all of them ! 
**Honest I don't! *layful:


*What is the difference between a battery and a woman?* 
A battery has a positive side. 

*What are the three fastest means of communication?* 
1) Television
2) Telephone 
3) Telawoman 

*What should you give a woman who has everything?* 
A man to show her how to work it. 

*What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?* 
Nothing, she's been told twice already. 

*How many men does it take to open a beer?* 
None. It should be opened when she brings it. 

*Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?* 
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. 

*Why do women have smaller feet than men?* 
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 

*How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?* 
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' 

*How do you fix a woman's watch?* 
You don't. There is a clock on the oven. 

*Why do men pass gas more than women?* 
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. 

*If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the* *front door, who do you let in first?* 
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. layful:

*What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?* 
A woman who won't do what she's told 

*I married a Miss Right.* 
I just didn't know her first name was Always. 

*Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by* *90%..* 
It's called a Wedding Cake. 

*Why do men die before their wives?* 
They want to. 

*Women will never be equal to men..* 
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. layful:

*Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women 
who can handle the bullshit*!


----------



## Pappy

Darn burns.


----------



## boozercruiser

*do you know 


what happens 




at night .... 



on ...  


your ....  



desk ....  




after ...  






you turn off your computer .....

and you go ...  




to bed....... 









? 


?  


?  


?  


?  
!!






SO, wash your hands ! *​


----------



## Pappy

Facts you need to know.


----------



## boozercruiser

I reckon this IS correct also!!!


----------



## Grumpy Ol' Man

Spoiler


----------



## Pookie

Rebuttal to Boozer. You sooooo did NOT leave yourself open to this, buddy!

*What is the difference between a battery and a woman? 
A woman doesn't have to be hooked up to anything to make stuff work.

What are the three fastest means of communication? 
1) Television
2) Facebook
3) the wife who fixes your stupid computer so you can post this junk

What should you give a woman who has everything? 
A real man would take her on a cruise or vacation.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? 
Is your husband out of ICU yet?

How many men does it take to open a beer? 
One, but he has to call a buddy to come in and bring it to him.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? 
Because she can blame the dryers for super-starching your underwear.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? 
So they can do ten times the work of men and not sound like a herd of elephants while doing so. 

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? 
When she puts the words "duct tape" and "husband" in the same sentence.

How do you fix a woman's watch? 
Watch her replace the battery in it.

Why do men pass gas more than women? 
They are so much more full of hot air and it's gotta go out before he blows up.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
The wife, dummy. The burglar is breaking in at the back door. That gives you time to run out the front door.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? 
A man without a substantial life insurance policy.

I married a Miss Right. 
Good! Now your bank account isn't overdrawn and your truck is fixed. 

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.. 
No, it's IN food. It's called fat.

Why do men die before their wives? 
They want to make it look like an accident.

Women will never be equal to men.. 
Because they are superior to men. Why settle for less?

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women 
who can handle the bullshit! 



That'll teach you!*


----------



## Shirley




----------



## Shalimar

Hahahahahhahahahaha.


----------



## Shirley

Neck wraps


----------



## Pookie

Lol!!


----------



## Shalimar

I want a neck wrap! Usually I wear a cat.  (Eco wrap?) Lolololol.


----------



## Pappy

I gotta start doing dishes. :sentimental:


----------



## boozercruiser

Shirley said:


> Neck wraps



Gosh Shirley.
Me being a bloke who loves boobies, that would be nice!
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




*Now the....*



*PRESIDENT IN 2016
*
*
Here we are, already discussing the future President of the United States, beginning with the Year 2016.*

*For those of you who would like THE VERY BEST choice for President, we have a solution:
*
*It is probably time we have a woman as President. 
*

*One choice is a very special lady who has just about every answer to assist in helping us to solve our problems.
*

*PLEASE give this a thought when you have a moment.



*













*MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!*








​


----------



## Shirley

Shalimar said:


> I want a neck wrap! Usually I wear a cat.  (Eco wrap?) Lolololol.



Me, too, but I think I'll wear mine under my blouse.


----------



## Shalimar

Shirley, the wrap or the cat? Lololololol.


----------



## Shirley

I ain't* EVEN* going to say what I started to say. :badgirl::lofl:


----------



## Pappy

This story is quite titillating.


----------



## Shirley

Pappy, again your siggy makes me LOL.


----------



## Falcon

I hope I can keep abreast of the thread.


----------



## Shirley

:rofl:


----------



## Shalimar

You guys! Lolololol.


----------



## Shirley

Yeah, they are the guys my Mama warned me about. :rofl:


----------



## Shalimar

Shirley, did it work?


----------



## Shirley

Nope.


----------



## Shalimar

I sooo believe you Shirley. After all, we are the people our parents warned us about also.....snicker.


----------



## boozercruiser

Hey Guys.
It is so nice to see you friendly Bantering around here.

Another thing I am happy about (at least for the moment) is this...


----------



## Shalimar

Hey, hey Boozer, we like to play!


----------



## boozercruiser

Shalimar said:


> Hey, hey Boozer, we like to play!



Me Too Shalilayful:
Me Too !!!


In the meantime.
Back on the farm!!!


----------



## Pappy

And, I love it.


----------



## Pappy

Always look in the freezer. :sentimental:


----------



## Shalimar

Hahahahahhahahahaha!


----------



## Falcon

LOL!   Now......back to the obits.


----------



## boozercruiser

That joke is a cracker Pappy.
I must remember that.
Never hide from someones husband in the freezer! 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Here is my Crack for the day...
*A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother. *



​
​*
Robot for sale!!!*



​


----------



## Pappy

I found this one funny.:sentimental:


----------



## boozercruiser

Pappy said:


> I found this one funny.:sentimental:



Eye Eye Pappy.
That wuz a cracker!


----------



## Pappy

Just my luck......


----------



## boozercruiser

I am sorry about your prostate situation there Pappy.
I hope it isn't serious!


----------



## Shirley

Boozer, I can't see the pictures in your last post and some of the other ones?


----------



## Pappy

My proctologist, :magnify:


----------



## boozercruiser

Shirley said:


> Boozer, I can't see the pictures in your last post and some of the other ones?



Oh! Dear Shirley.
Really?
I can see them no problem.
Does anyone else have that problem, and if so I am wondering what is going on here?
I think it might be your flash Shirley! 

We gotta sort this out because I want you to see everything of mine.


----------



## Shirley

Ooooooo, that's gotta hurt.


----------



## boozercruiser

Shirley said:


> Ooooooo, that's gotta hurt.
> 
> View attachment 23233



That is a good one Shirley.
Now then.
I can see yours.
Can you see mine?

*The night after the Zoo party...

*


----------



## Pookie




----------



## Shalimar

Hahahahahahahaha. Me too, in the morning before COFFEE!


----------



## Pappy

But mom.......


----------



## boozercruiser

Thats a cracker Pappy.
But isn't this a little cutie?


----------



## boozercruiser

*Mrs. Jones returned home from a holiday to France where she had taken a cooking class.

She tells her husband John she is going to prepare him a special meal and he is to go down to the market and buy two dozen escargot which, she explains are snails.

Mrs. Jones admonishes John to come right home, no stops at the pub, because she wants to have escargot for dinner.

John buys the snails and is on his way home but alas, his route takes him right by his favorite pub.

Just one, he tells himself. Well, perhaps another he says after having the first pint.

The company is good, the tales are tall, and John finds himself having three or four.

As John heads home he realizes it has become dark and he knows his lovely wife will be waiting and sharpening her tongue for him.

As John opens the gate to his house the porch light come on and he hears the door begin to open.

John empties the bag of escargot on the ground and says in a loud voice,
“Come on now lads! You’re almost there.” *​


----------



## NancyNGA

It took me a while to get that one, Boozer.    

:hatlaugh1:


----------



## Pappy

Oh, ok.


----------



## Ameriscot




----------



## Shirley

What do you want to bet that that was a male dinosaur?


----------



## Pappy

Spreading germs.


----------



## mariana

Loving some pf the jokes on here-only managed 2 pages-will catch up when I have moree time.


----------



## boozercruiser

mariana said:


> Loving some pf the jokes on here-only managed 2 pages-will catch up when I have moree time.



Well done Mariana.
Here are a few more!!!


----------



## mariana

One of those jokes is a sore subject to me--but not saying which one. !!


----------



## Ameriscot

mariana said:


> One of those jokes is a sore subject to me--but not saying which one. !!



Hmm...can we guess?


----------



## Shalimar

Hmmm. I am with you Marianna.


----------



## mariana

Shalimar said:


> Hmmm. I am with you Marianna.



That is intrigueing.


----------



## Ameriscot

Personally, I'm a lot like those dinosaurs.


----------



## boozercruiser

Ameriscot said:


> Personally, I'm a lot like those dinosaurs.



You know what Ami?
I didn't know that!

Do you fancy a bath?


----------



## Pookie

Ever have one of these days?


----------



## Pappy

Nurses be aware:


----------



## Shalimar

HaHaHaHaHaHa.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## hossthehermit

[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/NgCnXJj.jpg[/IMG]


----------



## Pappy

Blondes diary on a cruise.


----------



## Pookie

Blondes are very different from redheads.

I'm a redhead. I'd have knocked the Captain out cold, and told my hubby to get that First Officer up on the bridge and notify the authorities that we had a medical issue:

That poor Captain fell down and bonked his head. What a shame.

LOL!!!


----------



## Pappy

Horse hater.


----------



## hossthehermit

Pookie said:


> Blondes are very different from redheads.
> 
> I'm a redhead. I'd have knocked the Captain out cold, and told my hubby to get that First Officer up on the bridge and notify the authorities that we had a medical issue:
> 
> That poor Captain fell down and bonked his head. What a shame.
> 
> LOL!!!



My wife is a redhead, too, and she basically says the same thing ..............but then again, she's full of crap


----------



## Shalimar

I also am a redhead, Hoss you mess with us at your peril. Lol.


----------



## Cookie

Don't ever underestimate the power of a blonde --- sure we may be having more fun, but should a man give us any trouble, we don't hesitate to use our superhuman strength to put him in his place - with whatever it takes, knuckle sandwich or our scathing biting wit.


----------



## Pappy

This is a riot.Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.  Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a uneventful flight.  Sit back, relax and... OH...MY GOD!"

*Silence*…

Some moments later, the captain comes back on the intercom:  "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you.  While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled, “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the *back *of mine!"
​
​


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## Pappy

Oh, ok.


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## boozercruiser

Here are a coupla snoring hints for you...


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## Pappy

*Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.*

*"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."*



*"Ah, that's nothing'," said the 70-year-old.*

*"When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore.*

*You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing' comes out!"*



*"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."*



*"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.*



*"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock. No problem at all."*



*"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"*



*"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."*



*Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"*



*"I don't wake up until 7:00.*
​ 



​
​


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## Denise1952

Pappy said:


> Hope this fits the thread.



LOL, oh yeah, I'd say it fits nicely Pappy


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## boozercruiser

And talking about Seniors! 



​


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## boozercruiser




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## boozercruiser

And may I offer you this fine advice?


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## boozercruiser




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## Pappy

My will.....


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## boozercruiser

Your post was a cracker there Pappy.
Very funny.





Now then mate, watch out, Grannies about!


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## Pappy

Oh boy....


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## boozercruiser

Nice one Pappy.
Nice one!


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## mariana

Thanks everyone for the laughs--only managed to get through 3 pages today.


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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy

Home made soup......


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## boozercruiser

NancyNGA said:


>




Now then NancyNGA.
Could you direct me to Balfurd please?


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## NancyNGA

boozercruiser said:


> Now then NancyNGA.
> Could you direct me to Balfurd please?



You are bad, Boozercruiser!


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## boozercruiser

NancyNGA said:


> You are bad, Boozercruiser!



Thank you for noticing Nancy.
I deserve a really good spanking on my bottom until it looks like a peach.:love_heart:
Do you want my address?


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## NancyNGA

BC, it would take me an hour to come up with a good answer to you, so I'll just say...


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## Pappy

Be thankful.....


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## boozercruiser

NancyNGA said:


> BC, it would take me an hour to come up with a good answer to you, so I'll just say...



I am pleased that I gave you
A giggle Nancy.
But did you know this?


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## Ameriscot

:lol:


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## NancyNGA

boozercruiser said:


> I am pleased that I gave you
> A giggle Nancy.
> But did you know this?



I think you might be more than I could handle, Boozercruiser.


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## boozercruiser

NancyNGA said:


> I think you might be more than I could handle, Boozercruiser.



Nancy Dear.
My advice to you is this.

In your life one should always try everything they can at least just once! 

In the meantime.
I wonder how many young ones of today will be in this position in a few years!


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## boozercruiser

Did you know any of these facts?


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## Pappy

:lofl:


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## boozercruiser

Pappy said:


> :lofl:



My cooking is so awesome, even the smoke alarm cheers me on. layful:

Aaaaaa. 
The old ones are still the best!


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## boozercruiser




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## Pappy

Excellent....:sentimental:


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## NancyNGA




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## Pappy

:magnify:


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## boozercruiser

I bet all Men think like this! .......







And this is nothing to do with me!


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## Shalimar

Love the God one, Boozer. Lmao.


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## NancyNGA




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## Shalimar

Hahahahahhahahahaha.


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## boozercruiser

Shalimar said:


> Hahahahahhahahahaha.



YES!


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## Ameriscot

Funny Amazon reviews of a banana slicer:

http://indy100.independent.co.uk/ar...the-amazon-reviews-are-incredible--WJgtBNeygW


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## boozercruiser

Ameriscot said:


> Funny Amazon reviews of a banana slicer:
> 
> http://indy100.independent.co.uk/ar...the-amazon-reviews-are-incredible--WJgtBNeygW



WOW Annie.
So funny. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



Now who would have thought that! 

Aside from that, I reckon that this is about right!


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## Shalimar

Lol. Boozer, all women are not so competitive. Some of us see women as our sisters, I certainly do.


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## boozercruiser

Shalimar said:


> Lol. Boozer, all women are not so competitive. Some of us see women as our sisters, I certainly do.



Yes Shalimar.
Nowadays...
Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves! layful: nthego:






*"Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves"*


Now there was a time when they used to say
That behind every - "great man."
There had to be a - "great woman."
But in these times of change you know
That it's no longer true.
So we're comin' out of the kitchen
'Cause there's somethin' we forgot to say to you (we say)


Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
And ringin' on their own bells.
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.


Now this is a song to celebrate
The conscious liberation of the female state!
Mothers - daughters and their daughters too.
Woman to woman
We're singin' with you.
The "inferior sex" got a new exterior
We got doctors, lawyers, politicians too.
Everybody - take a look around.
Can you see - can you see - can you see
There's a woman right next to you.


_[Chorus repeats]_


Now we ain't makin' stories
And we ain't layin' plans
'Cause a man still loves a woman
And a woman still loves a man
(Just a same though)


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## boozercruiser

Now then people.
Do you agree with this Cheeky statement, or not?


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## Falcon

Oh Yeah!   Let it all hang out !


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## boozercruiser

Falcon said:


> Oh Yeah!   Let it all hang out !



Hear Hear Falcon.
Hear Hear.

While avoiding the razor blade of life at the same time! nthego:


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## boozercruiser




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## Ameriscot

boozercruiser said:


> Now then people.
> Do you agree with this Cheeky statement, or not?




Yea, baby!!!!


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## boozercruiser

Ameriscot said:


> Yea, baby!!!!



Oh! O.K. Annie.
You win...







*NOW!     *


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## Shalimar

Cuddles!!


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## boozercruiser

Shalimar said:


> Cuddles!!



Yes Shalimar.
Cuddles. 
Is there something you don't understand here?


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## boozercruiser

Good Mooning everyone.
I thought that I would be really Cheeky with you on this beautiful morning here in North Wales.
Sunny in and out with the odd shower forecast. Just 8 degrees at the moment.


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## Shalimar

Nope, boozer, I understand cuddles, I was giving my endorsement.lol.


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## Ina

Ooooops


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## boozercruiser

Shalimar said:


> Nope, boozer, I understand cuddles, I was giving my endorsement.lol.



Sorry Shalimar'
I didn't understand! nthego:


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## boozercruiser

Ina said:


> Ooooops



Ooooops indeed Ina! nthego:


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## boozercruiser




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## boozercruiser

Did you know that...






Or...







Or...


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## NancyNGA




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## fureverywhere




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## Ameriscot

It's actually a 999 call.


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## boozercruiser

Ameriscot said:


> View attachment 28435
> 
> It's actually a 999 call.



That's a flipping cracker Annie! 

*But please let me tell you a true story...*
*With the Holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.  As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.   Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.   Feeling jolly I still had the sense to knowthat I may be slightly over thelimit.  That's when I did something that I've never done before.
I took a cab home. 
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. 
  I arrived home safely without incident. 
 This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before.
I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it. 




*
​​


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## NancyNGA

boozercruiser said:


> *But please let me tell you a true story...**I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
> 
> 
> 
> *
> ​​



Boozer, you are tooooo much!   Show us a picture. :devil:


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## boozercruiser

NancyNGA said:


> Boozer, you are tooooo much!   Show us a picture. :devil:



That would be incriminating evidence Nancy.
And I am saying nuthin' 'till I get a lawyer! 

Instead, I will hand you over to this mate of mine...



*Men's Consideration for Women 


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. 

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. 

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie. 

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance benefits that we needed. 

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.. 

Although she knows how hungry I  am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before  she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. 

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. 
I generally have  lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is costly and not reasonable and I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. 
But now it's not unusual for  them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can  by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. 
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to  motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it  is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her  lunch hour. 

But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. 
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. 
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you  know what I mean). 
I like to think tact is one of my strong points. 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more  rest periods. 

She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. 
I'm a fair man. I tell her to  fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while and, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. 
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
 Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get, as they get older. 

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing this was well worthwhile. 

After all, we are put on  this earth to help each other. 

Sincerely, 

Jeff  


EDITOR'S  NOTE 

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. 
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a  sledge hammer laying nearby. 

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. 
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking,  accidentally sat down on his golf club. 



*









​


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## Shalimar

Hahahahahahahaha. Accidental death, for sure!


----------



## Pinky




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## boozercruiser

Pinky said:


>



Cricky Pinky.
Poo Pourri eh! 
That's a dumping pan cracker! 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Where on earth did you find that advertisement?

Now sing this song....
All together now...
When you go down to the bog today you're sure for a big surprise...

I could go on, but I wanna keep my membership here! 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	





Now then...


----------



## Pinky

I saw it a couple of years ago, and while I'm not (really, truly) into poop humour, I took a liking to the demure young woman in the commercial, Bethany Woodruff, a Scot.


----------



## boozercruiser

Pinky said:


> I saw it a couple of years ago, and while I'm not (really, truly) into poop humour, I took a liking to the demure young woman in the commercial, Bethany Woodruff, a Scot.



That is a very interesting commercial Pinky.
Gotta say goodnight and sweet dreams now.
It's midnight in the UK.

Hope to catch you tomorrow!


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## Pinky

Sleep well, bc. Forgot you are 5 hours ahead of me.


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## boozercruiser

*I was sitting with the computer the other day drafting my will and I called out to my wife,*



*"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"*



*SHE SHOUTED BACK "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY RASTARD!!**"  *nthego:​


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## Pappy

Grandma knows best.


----------



## hossthehermit

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sherrif's Department. 

After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy says: "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. But we have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son." Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six politicians
six illegal aliens, 
six lawyers, 
six meth dealers, 
six Muslim extremists, 
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" asked the young Texan. "Great attitude son," says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy

Must pronounce correctly.


----------



## Pappy

Indian revenge......


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy

:sentimental:


----------



## Shalimar

Pappy, lolololol.


----------



## Bonzo

I'm not saying my wifes
a bad cook

BUT OUR BIN AS JUST
DEVELOPED AN ULCER


----------



## Bonzo

I taught my sheepdog to count
so he could tell if one of the flock
was missing

now all he does is frigging sleep


----------



## Shalimar

Bonzo, lolololol.


----------



## Falcon

See, It really works.


----------



## Pappy

:sentimental:


----------



## Pappy

Oh boy........


----------



## Pappy

:sentimental:


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy

:wink:


----------



## Pappy

The fishing trip.


----------



## Shalimar

Hahahahahahaha. Excellent Pappy. That one caught me by surprise!


----------



## Ruthanne

That's a good one Pappy!


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy

Those damn traps.....


----------



## NancyNGA

For some reason I've never been able  to bring myself 
to part with old Elsie here.


----------



## Pappy

Anything for the teapot......


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ferggie

Sorry, I couldn't resist!


----------



## Pappy

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

WARNING! SCAM ALERT! Be on the lookout for these two women. They are hanging out around Wal-Mart parking lots. When you are putting your groceries away they ask you for a ride to McDonald's.They are very convincing and very hot! Once in your car this one takes her clothes off and starts climbing all over you, while she keeps you busy, the other one takes your wallet. I've had mine taken on the 12th, 14th, 15th and twice yesterday and probably two more times tomorrow. Wal-Mart has wallets for $2.99,but I found some at the Dollar Store for .99¢ so I bought all they had. These two harlets not only take your wallet, but you never even make it to McDonald's so I've already lost 10lbs. Keep a lookout for them. ( I find lunch time and around 5:30 are the best times)


----------

