# Need insights and advices on my husband's behaviour after the retirement



## Cosmos70

Hi:
This is anything serious going on, .... however it bothers me sometime, then I need your advices and insights on this matter, ...

My husband with many years is quite nice to women, particularly desperate women, i.e., women with no husband, women without transportation, etc.

My husband's niceness towards women is NEVER any ****** manners, I know due to his psysical issue, however I'm sometimes concerned and even angry to see his behaviour of niceness towards those form of women.  Just recently, I talked about my uneasiness about his behaviour, niceness towards women, however his trying to change or quit it makes him unhappy in his looks along with his body language. I want him being a happy and content person with all my heart.  

I try to be an understanding, generous and caring wife on this matter, however I'm sometimes  sick to see his eagerness  to help those women who are otherwise not able to get any help at all. Also, he does not like to work around the house, except emergency which I can tolerate since the house is in good order thanks to my adult son's help and myself.  

Even though, I understand his behaviour is due to his lack of hobbies to enjoy after his retirement,  to be frank and honest it bothers me, if not get angry. I hate to keep this inside me since we, both are no longer young adults. 

Any insights and advices on this regard would be truly appreciated.

Thanks,


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## SeaBreeze

Well, there's nothing wrong with being nice to women.  Are you talking about a friend or neighbor in need?  Has he always taken women under his wing, was he nice and helpful to you when you met and during your relationship? 

 It could be that he just wants to feel useful, and being appreciated by the women makes him feel better about himself now that he's older.  Does he seek out strangers to help, how does he meet up with these women, and how many women are we taking about??  Gotta know a bit more, before giving any real thoughts or advice. BTW, welcome!


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## Cosmos70

SeaBreeze said:


> Well, there's nothing wrong with being nice to women. Are you talking about a friend or neighbor in need? Has he always taken women under his wing, was he nice and helpful to you when you met and during your relationship?
> 
> It could be that he just wants to feel useful, and being appreciated by the women makes him feel better about himself now that he's older. Does he seek out strangers to help, how does he meet up with these women, and how many women are we taking about?? Gotta know a bit more, before giving any real thoughts or advice. BTW, welcome!


Thanks for the response.
I understand it's nothing wrong my husband wanting being nice to women in need, however those women are  pretty aggressive and persistently asking his help.  One of women was crying over the phone about her loneliness along with her difficult working condition, etc. that he spent almost a hour to talk in the midst of dinner time. Just wonder why the heck he needed to talk so much?  The next day, I told him not let her call him at home, particuraly during dinner time.  

Even though I know he's feeling useful by helping those womn in need, I feel a sort of 'left-out,' because he most of time spent talking and chit-chat with them, .... leaving me to work around the house and most of my waking-time has been doing other things or my hobby, sewing and tending flowers.  

My husband is a good man and goes to church every Sundays, however his spending a lot of time helping those women in need is not a right thing since he's a married man that he needs to remember.   He met those women mostly through the church and mutual friends.  There is never ****** matters involved due to his physical issue, however 'left-out' feeling along with his suble change in life, not drastically but it's apparent which bothers me more than anything else, like cooking-style even my appearance which is not gorgeous, but neat and nice looking.


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## SifuPhil

There is a phenomenon known as the _Temporary White Knight Syndrome_ where a male who has experienced a sudden loss, such as being fired or retiring, will focus more on solving the problems of others. They don't see their partner as being in need of rescue - instead they often see them as already being provided for. How much more protected can you get when you're _married_ to the White Knight, right?

But those other poor Fair Maidens, out in that cold, cruel world all alone - they need rescuing! Most often it's a platonic relationship - no sex involved. And the women are often the type who are skilled at manipulation of males. They often have a sad background history as well - abuse, loss of a spouse or child - and use that memory as the fulcrum or trigger-point to activate the White Knight's actions. 

As for the Knight himself he might be using this sudden rush of excitement and the feeling of being needed as a replacement for the thrills of work that are now gone.

Just a thought ...


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## Fern

I know where you are coming from and totally understand your feelings. Too often the women our husbands are being 'nice' to, take advantage, even can pit themselves against you. You obviously have spoken to your husband so surely he should see where you are coming from and start taking notice of the behaviour of these so called 'helpless' women. Thankfully mine saw the light. 
I hope for your sake your husband does too. 
All the best.


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## SeaBreeze

I understand now Cosmos.  I wouldn't tolerate that type of relationship if it was my husband and other women.  Those women can _absolutely _get someone else to help them out or somebody else' shoulder to  cry on.  I would absolutely never, _ever_, take advantage of any man like that, and I know that by having that kind of relationship is definitely disrespecting his wife...to say the least. 

You know that even though it's not physically ******, these types of emotional relationships are almost as bad, there are such things as emotional affairs.  I suspect that these women are looking for excuses to get in touch with your husband for help, a ride, assistance, counselor or confidant.  I'm not buying it that they can't get a relative, handyman, or someone else to help them out if they _really _need it.

I agree that your husband either has to become more involved with you and the things you do on a daily basis, or get a hobby of his own.  I would have a talk with him if it were my husband, and ask him how he would feel if a man was calling me up to chat about his problems at work, or calling me to ask him to drive him somewhere, or asking me to go shopping with him to pick out a suit...whatever.

If he says he wouldn't mind, look him seriously in the eye and ask him, 'really'?  If he says again it would be okay, then I'd have to take another approach.  I would have a talk with the woman on the side, and tell her to back off.  I'd make it clear that even though my husband was very nice and didn't mind doing favors for her, that I _did _mind it, and won't tolerate it.  I'd remind her that a real woman wouldn't take advantage of a man like that, and disrespect his wife in the process.

Maybe you're just too reliable in his mind, and he doesn't feel he needs to pay attention to you any more.  Maybe he know that you'll be home, cleaning house, tending the garden and no risk that you're doing otherwise.

If he's not willing to change his habits with women, and find himself a hobby or some men friends to do something with, then you can always use reverse psychology.  _You _can not be home when he gets there and expects you.  You can dress a bit nicer, and put on some special make-up, and go out to the movies with a girlfriend or go shopping.  Make him a bit jealous, and keep him guessing as to what you're doing, who you're with...and see how _that _works.

Sometimes they won't realize how they're making you feel, or the wrong in what they're doing, unless the tables are turned.  I'm sure you're a very beautiful woman inside and out.  You may have to make him think he's pushing you away with his behavior, and possibly there's a man that is comforting _you_.

It doesn't matter if it's not true, it might just be a wake-up call for him.  You absolutely deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your life too, and he should be there for you.  You may not want or need to do all the things I suggested, but I think you get the gist of what I'm trying to say. :girl_hug:


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## Warrigal

If I were you I'd talk to your pastor/minister/priest and then try some counselling together.
He needs to be needed and you need to see some balance. 
I don't think this problem is insoluble but you each need to hear the other and a mediator will help.


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## Phantom

Warrigal said:


> If I were you I'd talk to your pastor/minister/priest and then try some counselling together.
> He needs to be needed and you need to see some balance.
> I don't think this problem is insoluble but you each need to hear the other and a mediator will help.



agree


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## Cosmos70

Thanks everyone for the responses and thoughts. I really appreciate all.

Just this afternoon, I saw a card from one of aggressive women in need among stack of mails and told him about it. He was on the computer and said 'it must be a card of appreciation' and didn't show an interest in opening it right away.  After about 15-20 minutes later, he went to it, but I never asked him anything about it. Afterwards, I warned him not keep in touch with her often, because of her loneliness due to a loss of her husband not long ago along with her aggressiveness and manupulative talkings that I feel 'threat' to our happy marriage. Also, told him she might cause him NOT happy in his retirement age sooner or later. He said he has enough wiseness to handle the situation and not worry, but I repeated twice to him. I know he's thinking about her, ... but unlike last month when he was on the phone talking her for almost an hour, he was calm and laying down watching TV. Certainly, he changed his behaviour towards her on his looks and body language. I didn't bother him thereafter, because his attitudes is 'old himself,' not acting like '15 years old boy.'  

Like most of couples, throughout the many years' marriage, we, my husband and I had 'ups and downs' both financially, raising children and his work, but we always managed to work things out and strived to built a happy and constructive marriage. Then, I am planning the same strategy to deal with the current situation, even though I NEVER thought, even in my wildest dream this thing to happen in my twilight life. Frankyly, I'm such a BIG surprise and unbelievable shock, rather getting angry to say the least.


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## Fern

Cosmos, I really feel for you. One thing I have learned over the years, don't get angry but change the way you react, (much easier on the blood pressure), and do what you have to do, to handle the situation. My husband had become so used to me getting angry it was like water off a ducks back, when I changed how I reacted, no anger, that flawed him and he started taking notice of what I was saying. Even if your husband needs to be needed, don't we all, his behaviour is not acceptable. There are other ways of fullfilling his need, one is taking on voluntary,social work.That can be very rewarding. 
My experience of talking with clergy was a waste of time. (That's not to say that would apply to all.)


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## SeaBreeze

If there's nothing sinister going on, you should be able to read the cards and mail from any of these women.  Do you read the mail also?  Would he object if you asked to?  What does he do with the cards when he's done reading them, does he save them or throw them in the trash?


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## Cosmos70

Thanks for your thought, .... 
It's funny though, ... I normaly do NOT cry over those form of incidents, ... but for some reason, this time I want to cry over, .... but I really don't know whether because I love my husbamd who is otherwise a terrific and good person for both male and female or not.   

This morning, I told him to make a short trip to get away from this area where there are many people and a lot of traffic,  and he drove to the less-conjested town nearby taking with our pet dog. 

Yes, he's doing volunteer work through the church, however he LOVES to help those women in need, mostly because of emotional rewards, 'makes him useful' feelings from them, I think.  I really don't mind he's helping those women in need, ... but I want him to set a boundary in which he can not be too friendly and overly nice, because they regard his niceness is more than it, ... he likes me, then why not invite him to the dinner in the restraurant and the like. 

Since we were young and stated the family/first baby, my husband has been friendly to women in general, then I did't concern his behaviour until I heard an hour's talk over the phone last month.  When I mentioned my hurtful feelings and uneasiness about it, he a kind laughed about, ... like why are you jealousy?  I told him, 'how do you feel if I'd on the phone with bachelor-guy for a hour?  Only after that, he appeared to realize his behaviour as a married man.  My husband is a bit different from other married men in that regard, ... I know since I married him many years ago.  

I honestly love my husband with all my heart and soul, and the best policy is NOT to get angry and tell myself to talk to him  calmly whenever he seems crossing the line/boundary I mentioned to him.  Otherwise, my marriage with him is almost in good shape, ... not perfect, that's very sure to say.


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## Fern

I wonder if the women concerned are not 'using' your husband as a boost to their own ego. I'd be telling them both to go play their games elsewhere.


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## Cosmos70

Fern said:


> I wonder if the women concerned are not 'using' your husband as a boost to their own ego. I'd be telling them both to go play their games elsewhere.


In my guess, the women in need has started to 'sense,' .... my husband has no intention to get involved with her when he told her not call him at home, because his wife/me does not like the phone. In turn, she sent a card to him at home by trying to let me know her existence, ... making jealousy. My husband's quote, .... I'm wise enough ,.... seems ' it proves it.'


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## JustBonee

As someone who was widowed early this year, and found myself facing new and different challenges ... I read your thread with interest and *puzzlement*. 

I obviously don't know what these women's intentions are, but they must love drama...   It just seems strange to me that so much "activity" goes into small favors done.  If I need a toilet flapper fixed, and the married neighbor guy comes over and fixes it for me, I certainly wouldn't be writing him letters about it, or calling him on the phone and talking about it.
If loneliness is their problem, and your husband or anyone else's husband is so eager to help, I think the husband is falling prey to conniving females.  
You know about his letters/cards ... how about his computer activity?    



Here's a website that has taken off .. one to expose a woman causing problems in your marriage. 
Some have gotten even this way:

http://www.shesahomewrecker.com



View attachment 3382


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## Cosmos70

> If loneliness is their problem, and your husband or anyone else's husband is so eager to help, I think the husband is falling prey to conniving females.
> You know about his letters/cards ... how about his computer activity?



When we were younger, in his early 40', he got involved with one of female co-workers, but it appears to me not '******,' more likely more than co-worker thing, .. you know what I mean.  It lasted about a half year or so, but it's very strange to say I didn't notice until things was over and he told me what happened during that time.  It still doesn't bother me that even myself don't know why.  Probably, we are not really 'husband and wife's' relationship, rather very close family relationship that is based on 'love' and 'trust.'  I know we're a bit 'weird couple' to say, but it's true.

Even this time all those things happening, I never attempt to sneak into his computer's activity nor his cell-phone.  Probably, I just am happy the way our marriage has been going on which I can not answer for. I hate dwelling on his activities too much, rather I enjoy doing things I love to do.  I'm always busy and working hard to get things done.  

Either way, I LOVE the family, maybe also my husband more than any thing else in the world.  I do not care much his activities as long as he has no intention to wreck or destroy the family and also our marriage.  I know one thing is that my husband is NOT stupid enough to go with her when I angrily confronted him the next day about his phone with her acting like the 15 years-old-boy.  He ALWAYS says the marriage with me is his last one and there are no other issues except his behaviour towards women in need.  

Yes, I know that this women is VERY aggressive and manupulative to get him trapped in her prey in any way she can.  She had two husbands prior to her last one who passed away a year ago or so. Jokingly, I told my husband whether he wants to become her third or fourth husband, he just shrugged off and went outside taking our pet dog.  He said, ... 'I'm wise enough, ....' when I warned him not to get too much close to her.  I take what he means, .... he wants me as a wife but also he wants outside-fun having a very close female friend, so called, 'emotional happiness or affair,' if this term is correct.


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## SifuPhil

Boo's Mom said:


> Here's a website that has taken off .. one to expose a woman causing problems in your marriage.
> Some have gotten even this way:
> 
> http://www.shesahomewrecker.com



Even though those sites contain the standard disclaimers I can't help but wonder when in the immediate future we're going to read about a defamation of character lawsuit being brought by one of these people ... it's sort of a specialized Facebook, a site full of accusations and drama and legal actions just waiting to happen. 

I'd be very careful putting anything up on a site like that.


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## SifuPhil

Every marriage has to define its own set of rules, and yours are no more different or unusual than any other. I think the important thing is for both parties to make those rules crystal-clear and to not go beyond them.


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## JustBonee

SifuPhil said:


> Even though those sites contain the standard disclaimers I can't help but wonder when in the immediate future we're going to read about a defamation of character lawsuit being brought by one of these people ... it's sort of a specialized Facebook, a site full of accusations and drama and legal actions just waiting to happen.
> 
> I'd be very careful putting anything up on a site like that.



You have to admit, it's interesting (gossip) reading for us that are uninvolved.. but, yes, you are probably right.. a hot potato ready to blow up.   
Along that same line, there was a website called Mean Moms,  or something like that ... it was taken down for the same reasons.  ..
I think a lot of these are off-shoots of Facebook.


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## Cosmos70

SifuPhil said:


> Every marriage has to define its own set of rules, and yours are no more different or unusual than any other. I think the important thing is for both parties to make those rules crystal-clear and to not go beyond them.


That's exactly we are, .... my relationship with my husband is never intense nor passionate one from the beginning when we got married, but we always worked hard to make things right and he got a good-paying job even though he got here and there bumps to go through.  I admire his accomplishment and a good provider which made me very comfortable and make my life and kids easy.  I really appreciate those done by my husband.  

In the meantime, I warned him not to get too close to her, .... because she appeared to me that she got a 'sense' which is  his first priority is the family and his wife/me, this lady in need is a kind 'side-dish' to enjoy on dinner table.  That might be a good reason she sent a card him at home making me jealousy and angry which she thinks leading to damage our marriage.  She is so manupulative that I can tolerate, but unbelievable in my view.  But, after all she went through several men and three different marriages.  On that regard, she's an expert amongst experts. Also, warned him she might be looking for 'money,' then be cautious not get involved deeply, otherwise she might take a legal action, like 'mental harrassment' or some other legal action to get a money from him.  However, started only few months ago, my husband knows that, but appears to me 'it's inresistable,' .... so called, 'old grandmapa's unresistable temptation?'


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## SifuPhil

Boo's Mom said:


> You have to admit, it's interesting (gossip) reading for us that are uninvolved.. but, yes, you are probably right.. a hot potato ready to blow up.
> Along that same line, there was a website called Mean Moms,  or something like that ... it was taken down for the same reasons.  ..
> I think a lot of these are off-shoots of Facebook.



Oh, I agree that it makes for interesting reading, but personally I've never been a _National Enquirer_ type.  I think you're right that these are Facebook offshoots, because Facebook cannot possibly hold any more drama. 



Cosmos70 said:


> That's exactly we are, .... my relationship with my husband is never intense nor passionate one from the beginning when we got married, but we always worked hard to make things right and he got a good-paying job even though he got here and there bumps to go through.  I admire his accomplishment and a good provider which made me very comfortable and make my life and kids easy.  I really appreciate those done by my husband.



So that's the "upside" ...



> In the meantime, I warned him not to get too close to her, .... because she appeared to me that she got a 'sense' which is  his first priority is the family and his wife/me, this lady in need is a kind 'side-dish' to enjoy on dinner table.  That might be a good reason she sent a card him at home making me jealousy and angry which she thinks leading to damage our marriage.  She is so manupulative that I can tolerate, but unbelievable in my view.  But, after all she went through several men and three different marriages.  On that regard, she's an expert amongst experts. Also, warned him she might be looking for 'money,' then be cautious not get involved deeply, otherwise she might take a legal action, like 'mental harrassment' or some other legal action to get a money from him.  However, started only few months ago, my husband knows that, but appears to me 'it's inresistable,' .... so called, 'old grandmapa's unresistable temptation?'



... and the "downside".

It's a shame that we have such "experts" as this woman in the world, but with the media glorifying such behavior it isn't surprising.


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## SeaBreeze

I heard about the homewrecker site on the TV news, and have no interest to go there.  Women who post photos and negative comments about people their husbands had an affair with need to have their heads examined, how childish.  Also, the husband had a big part in it too, and that can't be ignored...most of the time it's likely a boyfriend, because the big things nowadays is to have a boyfriend, make believe he's your husband, and have 3 kids with him. 

I know one thing, my husband is too considerate of my feelings to do anything like that with any woman.  Also, if the woman started rolling her eyes at him with other ideas, he'd put her in her place and break off the 'relationship'.  I think your husband should stop volunteering at the church, and volunteer somewhere else, like the neighborhood shelter...where his good deeds will _truly _be appreciated on their own merits.

Personally, if it were me, I'd have a talk with my husband.  I'd let him know I was going to have a talk with her, and tell him what I intended to say.  Then have a one on one with her, and that would be the end of it.  She would back off, and leave him alone.  No way I would let her antics disrupt my life and peace of mind, especially now that I'm older.


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## Ozarkgal

You're too nice...time to kick a** and take names...starting with your husband.  As long as you're as nice to him about it as you sound, he's going to keep schmoozing you along, and getting his ego  boosts from other women.  As I see it,  that's pretty much it in a nutshell.  There's a fine line between ****** and emotional gratification.. it's a short step to cross it.

Also, you seem to do a lot of  making excuses for him, ie:, he's a good provider, he loves to "help" women, he's a good man and goes to church, he had an affair, but not ******.  What I read from your behavior is that you enable him because you don't really 
want to delve into the situation too closely and rock your comfort zone.  

I don't mean to be harsh, and you sound like a sweet lady, but people only do to us what we let them.  Make the boundaries clear, in no uncertain terms and he will either come around or you will have to make a decision as to whether you're going to accept his behavior at the expense of your happiness....right now you sound very unhappy to me.


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## Anne

Hard to put yourself in someone else's place, but if this were me, I would have to do some soul-searching here; think I would be asking myself, how much am I willing to tolerate to keep this marriage together.    Not that you can make it 'work' by yourself - but it's obviously bothering you, so are you willing to keep things as they are; knowing it could turn into something more painful??
It's harder to think of those things at our age...we're more likely to face a life alone should we decide to dissolve a long-time partnership; yet, that might be easier than always wondering what he's doing, or intending to do.  At least that's how it would be for me.   I would have to have a serious talk with him, and find out what he is thinking.  
As TWHRider states; there are no guarantees - for any of us.  Cosmos70, I do wish you the best regarding this; and peace of mind in whatever comes.


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## Katybug

Warrigal said:


> If I were you I'd talk to your pastor/minister/priest and then try some counselling together.
> He needs to be needed and you need to see some balance.
> I don't think this problem is insoluble but you each need to hear the other and a mediator will help.



I think this is a great answer for you if you can get him to agree to it.


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## Diwundrin

.... see, this is the kind of thing that caused my choice to stay single. 



(..and to keep off Facebook)


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## Cosmos70

Thanks all for your insights, suggestions and thoughts. 
One thing I need to consider before doing any major action/planning is my husband is not only my partner/husband but also my children's father. As always I've been mentioning here, I LOVE the family more than anything else in the world and also they offer me motivation and happiness. 

Yes, some of my husband's activities might be bothersome, however the women in need is not a young teenager, ... she's the mature woman, in her early '60s. The activity such as this taking place is not only one but also two to involve. 

Furthermore, my husband is no longer young man who has physical health issue that prevents him from perform sextually. He's a kind fragile some of days mentally and physically. Simply, a good reason of my hesitation on the harshness is we, the family and I need him and also want him to be happy, particuraly in his twiligt years.

As for the harshness, my husband is not perfect from the beginning, .... he likes to help women in need and not give me enough attention as a husband, however I, too not a perfect wife, either in his view. The instance such as this, what sort of punishment he deserves? He's always saying, the family and me is his very first priority and assuring me never intend to breaking up the marriage that is our majority of life, over 45 years. Only source of breaking up is I nagging and complaing about his activity, minding only my happiness and not care about the family and him, otherwise my family is very stable and happy. In that regard, like most of couples, I, as a wife and a mother holding a crucial 'key' to keep the marriage running.


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## SeaBreeze

I can absolutely understand your wanting your husband to be happy, but we, as women, very often put ourselves and our happiness last to please others.  Your life and well-being is just as important as his.  Just a reminder, that you also should be happy, particularly in your twilight years.  :love_heart:


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## Katybug

SeaBreeze said:


> I understand now Cosmos.  I wouldn't tolerate that type of relationship if it was my husband and other women.  Those women can _absolutely _get someone else to help them out or somebody else' shoulder to  cry on.  I would absolutely never, _ever_, take advantage of any man like that, and I know that by having that kind of relationship is definitely disrespecting his wife...to say the least.
> 
> You know that even though it's not physically ******, these types of emotional relationships are almost as bad, there are such things as emotional affairs.  I suspect that these women are looking for excuses to get in touch with your husband for help, a ride, assistance, counselor or confidant.  I'm not buying it that they can't get a relative, handyman, or someone else to help them out if they _really _need it.
> 
> I agree that your husband either has to become more involved with you and the things you do on a daily basis, or get a hobby of his own.  I would have a talk with him if it were my husband, and ask him how he would feel if a man was calling me up to chat about his problems at work, or calling me to ask him to drive him somewhere, or asking me to go shopping with him to pick out a suit...whatever.
> 
> If he says he wouldn't mind, look him seriously in the eye and ask him, 'really'?  If he says again it would be okay, then I'd have to take another approach.  I would have a talk with the woman on the side, and tell her to back off.  I'd make it clear that even though my husband was very nice and didn't mind doing favors for her, that I _did _mind it, and won't tolerate it.  I'd remind her that a real woman wouldn't take advantage of a man like that, and disrespect his wife in the process.
> 
> Maybe you're just too reliable in his mind, and he doesn't feel he needs to pay attention to you any more.  Maybe he know that you'll be home, cleaning house, tending the garden and no risk that you're doing otherwise.
> 
> If he's not willing to change his habits with women, and find himself a hobby or some men friends to do something with, then you can always use reverse psychology.  _You _can not be home when he gets there and expects you.  You can dress a bit nicer, and put on some special make-up, and go out to the movies with a girlfriend or go shopping.  Make him a bit jealous, and keep him guessing as to what you're doing, who you're with...and see how _that _works.
> 
> Sometimes they won't realize how they're making you feel, or the wrong in what they're doing, unless the tables are turned.  I'm sure you're a very beautiful woman inside and out.  You may have to make him think he's pushing you away with his behavior, and possibly there's a man that is comforting _you_.
> 
> It doesn't matter if it's not true, it might just be a wake-up call for him.  You absolutely deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your life too, and he should be there for you.  You may not want or need to do all the things I suggested, but I think you get the gist of what I'm trying to say. :girl_hug:



This is such good advice, and some I hope you will follow.  There is no excuse for disrespect and since he isn't willing to change his habits, I'm hoping you'll give very serious consideration to the advice Seabreeze is offering.  I don't think I could help but say to him, if it continues on as is, "I'm your loving wife and I wish you would treat me half as nice as you treat your lady friends."  He definitely needs to hear that since he's willing to help them out, but offers no help to you around the house. Tho he already knows how very hurtful this is to you and it probably wouldn't mean a tinkers damn in saying it.

I have lived alone for years and can't imagine having the nerve of these women, in asking a married man for anything other than for a lift if they lived close by and he and his wife were going to the same event...and even then it would be because I was unable to drive or my car was in the shop! 

This woman you're referring to who is being so aggressive has no scruples whatsoever and he's acting extremely poorly in responding to it, knowing her reputation.  I don't know how you've put up with it as long as you have, but there would be no quality meals prepared and no laundry done if it were me.  Obviously, you're not the witch I would have been all along, when this first started happening.  

Women of her ilk act like fools when it comes to a nice man, ready to take quick advantage of anyone willing.  He's behaving equally as foolishly, in my opinion, in being a part of it. But you know what you're dealing with and it's a real shame, so we're all hoping you'll stand up for yourself in taking some type of action on your own. Otherwise, your misery will never change.

Good luck and welcome to our group.  Glad we could be here for you.


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## SeaBreeze

Cosmos70 said:


> Also, he does not like to work around the house, except emergency which I can tolerate since the house is in good order thanks to my adult son's help and myself.



I'm curious as to your son's thoughts on this behavior.  Does your son agree with you that you husband's attention to these women is excessive, and he should be focused on you and your family?  Has your son ever mentioned anything to your husband about helping the other women?


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## Cosmos70

Thanks all for your concerns and suggestions. 
One thing I need to tell you all is that my husband is NOT a bad person, ... rather most of people calls him a 'good person' who cares about the others, both male and females and eager to help the others out whenever they need. However, recently most of his assistances started on women in need that caused me to upset. I talked him a number of times recently and he responded every concerns and worries accumulated in my mind. He also reassured me NOT worry and plus he said he really likes me working around the house clean, nice and tending flowers and dogs and other animals. That's really a compliments to me, because I genuinely like doing things at home, particularly after the retirement. I'm in fairly good health without hospital-trips excepts child-birth and there is no financial worry thanks to his hard work and his wise and good financial investment throughout his working years. 

As for my adult children, they are very supportive to me whenever they see some issues with my husband/their father, but in the end, strange to say, I'm the one who always defend my husband and saying he's a good person. They have their own familys and need to concentrate on their lives, then all of them seem not to get nosey on his behaviour unless I tell them which I try not to do. 

I'm a kind a forgiving and understanding(at least trying to) individual that goes to not only my husband but the others well that in turn makes me happy since we started the family. Through the experience such as, one good lesseon on our marriage I learned is to 'speak out'/'talk,' rather the third party intervention, i.e., minister or counselor. However, if no resolution to see, then there needs the third party. Also, one 'flaw' such as this can NOT make his 'whole' character, my husband has many good characters I see during more than 45 years' marriage. Keep in mind, we, all humans there are positive and negative sides, I, too can not avoid some 'flaws' during those many years' marriage on which my husband gave good support and love, rather criticism and trashed me. Then, I think that I need NOT to overreact on his behaviour, but certainly I set a boundary for him not to cross it.


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## Katybug

I don't mean this sarcastically in any way, but I think you're a saint.  Your husband is one more lucky man to have such a devoted and caring wife and I would love to tell him so.


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## SeaBreeze

I always thought that your husband was a very caring person and a good man.  I only had suspicions of the woman involved.  I am of the mind also, to speak with my husband about issues, rather than involve a stranger to mediate.  We've been married 37+ years, and living together for around 40...so we know each other and can usually work through any problems. 

 You are very patient, and it's unfortunate that you should have anything happening in your life where your mind is not at ease.  If your husband can just move his helpful deeds to others, instead of these church women, then things may improve for both of you.  Wishing you the best, it's good that you're talking about it, that has to help a bit. :love_heart:


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## Cosmos70

Katybug said:


> I don't mean this sarcastically in any way, but I think you're a saint. Your husband is one more lucky man to have such a devoted and caring wife and I would love to tell him so.


Thanks for the compliment.  However, if that's really true, it becomes only 'one-side' story.  Because, during  my younger age, I had guys before and even after the marriage.  Make a long story short, one before the marriage, it was a sort of passionate one and the other after the marriage was, so called 'emotional affair' which  lasted more than two years.  My husband KNEW and I told him most of things happened with this guy.  He was kind and nice to me when most of my husband's assignment was oversea trips that strained the marriage in some way, particularly when raising children which needed my husband's help.  This guy came to my life during those difficult years and we talked a lot, a lot and many differen things,  both in person and over the phone.  However, we never crossed a line which was we both knew from the beginning  we are married people and stuck to it, even there were a few temptation along with attemps we wanted to do.  He has a wonderful and beautiful wife who seemed aware but never tried to see me neither talked to me.  Anyhow, looking back things happened and last quite long,.... to this day, oddly say tho',  I never regret it happened, rather it's a fond and wonderful, like a dream-like memory.  In my guess, .... primary because we did NOT a mistake(you know what I mean?).  

 Seeing through the experience, I KNOW very well that my husband does NOT quit nor able to stop his behaviour towards this lady in need, at least for awhile, then there is nothing I can do about it.   Only good advice I can offer to him is NOT get too close to her.  Otherwise, she might think him likes and wants to be her rest of life's companion or close to it. That's, however not his intention, he needs 'outside-fun' having a good female friend.  Furthermore,  he always telling and reminds me several times since this happened, I'm only lady he loves and his life-long partner and wife.  

In the meantime, I trying to be an understanding wife who cares about flowers, house and a lot of animals around the house, rather than giving him any criticism.  That's to be an untold mutual agreement in order to keep our marriage happy and consructive.  Also, we WANT to live as long as possible, like any older folks want to be.


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## Fern

Reading the above there's been some murky waters over the years, which is commonplace in many relationships. Perhaps your husband feels its payback time.


> Seeing through the experience, I KNOW very well that my husband does NOT  quit nor able to stop his behaviour towards this lady in need, at least  for awhile, then there is nothing I can do about it.   Only good advice  I can offer to him is NOT get too close to her.  Otherwise, she might  think him likes and wants to be her rest of life's companion or close to  it. That's, however not his intention, he needs 'outside-fun' having a  good female friend.  Furthermore,  he always telling and reminds me  several times since this happened, I'm only lady he loves and his  life-long partner and wife.


You can't beat having your cake and eat it too.


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## Ozarkgal

> Also, one 'flaw' such as this can NOT make his 'whole' character, my husband has many good characters I see during more than 45 years' marriage. Keep in mind, we, all humans there are positive and negative sides, I, too can not avoid some 'flaws' during those many years' marriage on which my husband gave good support and love, rather criticism and trashed me. Then, I think that I need NOT to overreact on his behaviour, but certainly I set a boundary for him not to cross it.
> 
> In the meantime, I trying to be an understanding wife who cares about flowers, house and a lot of animals around the house, rather than giving him any criticism. That's to be an untold mutual agreement in order to keep our marriage happy and consructive. Also, we WANT to live as long as possible, like any older folks want to be.




I guess I don't see the problem..sounds like you have it figured out and under control to your satisfaction.

:dunno:


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## SifuPhil

Fern said:


> Reading the above there's been some murky waters over the years, which is commonplace in many relationships. Perhaps your husband feels its payback time.



"Murky"? I think the Sargasso Sea during a major oil spill would be clearer than this.

Had I been on a jury and voted solely on the initial presenting account I would have hung the husband. Now? A vote of "no confidence". 

For_ both_ sides.


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## Jillaroo

_I have been thinking the same thing TWH_


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## Katybug

Jillaroo said:


> _I have been thinking the same thing TWH_



TWH, I think you're onto something.  I'm beginning to agree with you, OG and Jill....no matter what suggestions we offer, there is one excuse after another made for the husband's actions.  It's a total waste of time when people ask for advice, and when it's given, defenses go up for every aspect of it -- in post after post. And not a darned one of them make any sense.  If one is not willing to even remotely listen, I'm not willing to be dragged down reading it.

I sincerely apologize if I am wrong, but don't think that's the case.    If it's true, all I can say is the wife needs serious professional help in her doormat role.  She's as guilty as the husband for allowing such behavior and now I'm done with this thread!


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## JustBonee

TWHRider said:


> I've followed this thread, commented once and here's what I think:
> 
> I think "COSMOS70" IS the husband.  The whiny writing style has gone on far too long and is waaaaay over the top for it to be a woman and I'm not buying it.
> 
> I Googled "COSMOS" and got a bunch of unfriendly hits as to what COSMOS can stand for<---- I don't believe these are somebody's initials or a friendly acronym.
> 
> *First* is Topper the Ghost, whom many of us remember from the 1950's sitcom of the same name; his name was Cosmo Topper.  I'm sure the person who probably IS 70 remembers this lovable guy http://kimgiancaterino.squidoo.com/topper-tv-series
> 
> Second is a hacker kid, a/k/a "COSMO the Hacker God"  in California who's probably still in prison.  http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2012/09/cosmo-the-god-who-fell-to-earth/all/
> 
> I might really be off base and I would apologize if someone could prove me wrong but, I was leary of this story when it first posted, then thought "well maybe somebody really is that bubble-headed", then it didn't take me long to come right back around and think "nah, this is the husband doing the writing and I hope the wife isn't stuffed in the basement freezer or behind a fake wall, like the woman they just found outside Nashville recently."



I'm with you Sherlock!  .. It's too much over the top, wanting and pushing for more reactions.   .. 

Someone is having a good laugh!


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## Ozarkgal

This didn't pass the smell test from the beginning....what say you Cosmos?


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## Anne

What seemed strange to me was Cosmos venting about the husband not doing work at home, but happy to see her doing work in the kitchen, flowers, dogs, etc.

But - she's happy with doing all that herself, while he's helping other women.. Can't say I know any women who could say that.......


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## Jillaroo

_*There are so many TROLLS on the internet who love nothing better than setting people up and having a good laugh about it when they read the responses, i won't be wasting anymore time on this TROLL, very sad that people feel the need to do this just for attention*_


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## Casper

_*I agree......thought it was a bit fishy right from the start.....every  time someone gave an opinion or advice she? would come back with the  same old story, she was happy with her life and her husband......so WHY  in the hell did she come here in the first place? :indecisiveness:
Definitely not for our advice as it's been rejected all along.
Interesting thread, to say the least, and no reply from COSMOS as yet.*_


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## Katybug

Jillaroo said:


> _*There are so many TROLLS on the internet who love nothing better than setting people up and having a good laugh about it when they read the responses, i won't be wasting anymore time on this TROLL, very sad that people feel the need to do this just for attention*_



On a more serious note, do you think this spray would work on Palmetto Bugs???


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## SeaBreeze

The thread seemed to go in circles, but Cosmos70 may just be confused.  Maybe she wanted some advice, but wasn't really ready to make any changes in the way she was handling things with her husband.  I agree that the thread did turn out to look suspicious, with all the back and forth, but I wouldn't resort to any name calling.

 Cosmos, we all had very good intentions to help you, and gave very caring and excellent advice, in my opinion.  We were realistic in our responses, and honestly, are a bit frustrated that you just basically repeated your story and made excuses for your husband...and in the same breath, you said how disturbed you were by his behavior with women.

 Please let us know how you're feeling, and if you just want to let the behavior from the woman/women continue, and just bite the bullet as far as your happiness.  That's fine too, completely your decision and happiness at stake.


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## Cosmos70

Thank everyone for the suggestions and advices but I want the thread to go quiet.


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