# Extramarital Sex-How Do You Feel About it?



## Ruthanne (Apr 25, 2018)

*Extramarital sex*

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


_"Paramour" redirects here. For the Cirque du Soleil Broadway musical, see Paramour (Cirque du Soleil)._
*Extramarital sex* occurs when a married person engages in ****** activity with someone other than his or her spouse. From a different perspective, it also applies to a single person having sex with a married person. From a religious perspective, it could also have a third interpretation as referring to sex between people who are not in a conjugal relationship.
Where extramarital ****** relations breach a ****** norm, it may also be referred to as _adultery_ (****** acts between a married person and a person other than the spouse), _fornication_ (****** acts between unmarried people), _philandery_, or _infidelity._ These terms may also carry moral or religious consequences in civil or religious law.

More here:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extramarital_sex

So, on this subject of extramarital sex do you feel it is ever right?  

Please give your opinion on the subject.  Thank you.


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## Gary O' (Apr 25, 2018)

A torment to consider

Torrid…. in the moment

Regretful too many years after

Right?

Too many varied circumstances

Not mine to determine


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## Keesha (Apr 25, 2018)

Honestly ? I’ve never done it but can’t say I haven’t thought about it.


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## Ruthanne (Apr 25, 2018)

Gary O' said:


> A torment to consider
> 
> Torrid…. in the moment
> 
> ...


Okay, anything else?


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## Ruthanne (Apr 25, 2018)

Keesha said:


> Honestly ? I’ve never done it but can’t say I haven’t thought about it.


Yes, I understand.


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## Vega_Lyra (Apr 25, 2018)

*Cheating **is a form of self-deception.
"**Do unto others what you want them to do to you. "*


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## Gary O' (Apr 25, 2018)

Ruthanne said:


> Okay, anything else?



Right or wrong depends on more than even the bible or courts of the land have recorded
But, whether justifiable or not, it's not a remedy.

Just my opine


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## ancient mariner (Apr 25, 2018)

A remedy? Remedy for what?  Where did your mind go?


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## Gary O' (Apr 25, 2018)

ancient mariner said:


> A remedy? Remedy for what?  Where did your mind go?



some folks get trapped in abusive marital situations 

getting involved with yet another can complicate things


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## Wren (Apr 26, 2018)

> Right or wrong depends on more than even the bible or courts of the land have recorded
> But, whether justifiable or not, it's not a remedy.
> 
> Just my opine


I agree with Gary, having seen the misery some people inflict on their partner, it may offer some comfort but dosn’t solve the problem


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## hearlady (Apr 26, 2018)

I'd prefer to live without it.


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## rgp (Apr 26, 2018)

I think it is more rampant than many think....want to believe. 

Been single all but three years of my adult life. Dated a gal [for a year] back in 1992, she was married but *getting a divorce* ! I found myself starting to care...I also found myself starting to doubt her...broke it off...she is still married to the same man.

The same man that once *split her head open* with an iron pipe ! I guess nothing says I love you like a whack on the head?

 Remember what I said about doubting her.


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## applecruncher (Apr 26, 2018)

Saw this story in the news a couple days ago:

Police: Lover's wife lay in wait to kill ex-UD official Meredith Chapman


​_Jennair Gerardot sent a series of texts to her husband, Mark, on Monday in which she laid out how she planned to kill the woman with whom he was having an affair.Sometime before 7 p.m. Monday, Radnor Township, Pennsylvania, police said, Jennair Gerardot of Wilmington broke into the home of a former University of Delaware communications official and waited for her to come home, then shot her once before turning the gun on herself
.​_​_Police later received a 911 call around 7:05 for "two people down" and "blood on the floor."
_

​(more)
https://www.delawareonline.com/stor...er-suicide-involves-delaware-woman/545135002/

​


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## Dragonlady (Apr 26, 2018)

If I remember correctly, fidelity is a part of the marriage vow. I gave my word to be faithful and so did my partner; I expected fidelity. Sneaking around behind your partner's back is breaking your word and dishonest. if both partners want to have an "open" marriage and invalidate that vow, then they have that right. It's not for me - too many things can go wrong - up to and including VD - some of which can be fatal. If you are no longer "in love" with or sexually attracted to your partner, have the integrity to get a divorce.


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## helenbacque (Apr 26, 2018)

Might be good for the body but not the soul.


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## jujube (Apr 26, 2018)

It reminds me of the section of James Michener's "Hawaii" where the missionaries are trying to translate the Ten Commandments into Hawaiian.  Everything is going fine until they get to "thou shalt not commit adultery".

What kind of adultery, ask the Hawaiians.   

Adultery is adultery, reply the missionaries.  

Not so, the Hawaiians insist, there are (I'm making up a number here....) 35 different kinds of adultery......married man with married woman, married man with unmarried woman, married man with married sister-in-law, married man with unmarried sister-in-law, etc, etc.   If you just say "thou shalt not commit adultery" then the people will say oh they're not talking about MY kind of adultery.  If you list all 35 kinds, someone will say, hey there's one I haven't tried yet!

Hmmm, how to handle this?  Finally, the missionaries translated "thou shalt not commit adultery" to "thou shalt not sleep mischievously".  Did the trick.

As far as how I feel about it?  I am against adultery.  Always have been, always will be.  If you're going to be married, be married....and faithful.  If you need sex outside marriage, don't be married.  

"Extramarital" sex between two people who are not married to each other, not married to anyone else, not committed to anyone else and of age?  Well, that's another matter.  I'm OK with it.  I'd have to be......I've been having extramarital sex for about nine years now.  I am "living in sin" by many peoples' standards.   In another age I'd have to wear a scarlet letter.  In another culture, I'd be stoned.  Here, I'm just a POSSLQ (U.S. Census talk for Persons of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters).   They don't have scarlet P's.   I'm safe.


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## Keesha (Apr 26, 2018)

I’ve been ‘living in sin’ for almost 30 years. I’m just not the marrying type BUT it’s still a committed relationship the same as a marriage. In our hearts and the eyes of the law we are married. 

Relationships take work. They aren’t always easy. Sometimes they are very difficult but when you commit to someone, that means taking the bad with the good. The struggles are what build strong relationships and if you make it through that then the rest is easy sailing. 

I just couldn’t do that to my significant other. Just the thought of sneaking around and needing to lie, turns my stomach. 
No! To me trust is everything in a relationship and cheating with someone else is breaking that trust. This isn’t something I’d be willing to live with at all; not on my part or my partners.


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## RadishRose (Apr 26, 2018)

It's not good for anybody, causes more harm than anything else in ways some younger and inexperienced couples _don't even realize yet!
_
Those that have done so and regret it and resume as a faithful partner/parent, etc., just pray your spouse never finds out.  Don't "relieve" your conscious on he/she to make yourself feel better. You will visit untold misery on your spouse and therefore negate any relief you may be seeking. You will both grieve.  As may your children.

Here is where I falter ... suppose witnesses, people trusted by your spouse tells on you? What then, should you do? I really don't know, keep lying?  

Better off to avoid the whole mess, it's not worth it. IMO.


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## fmdog44 (Apr 26, 2018)

Is it cheating if a person has a one time thing then never is discovered? I'm a life long bachelor so this does not apply to me.


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## RadishRose (Apr 26, 2018)

Yes, one time is one cheat.


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## CindyLouWho (Apr 26, 2018)

RadishRose said:


> Yes, one time is one cheat.


I agree, it's not 3 strikes you're out....it only takes once, you're busted.  Just because the cheater hasn't been found out yet, doesn't make them any less guilty. Just the fact that the cheater could continue in that relationship with the person that doesn't know, would be enough to kick their behind out the door.


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## applecruncher (Apr 26, 2018)

fmdog44 said:


> Is it cheating if a person has a one time thing then never is discovered? I'm a life long bachelor so this does not apply to me.



If a married person has sex - even just once - with someone other than his/her spouse but is never discovered, YES, that is cheating/infidelity/adultery.


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## Keesha (Apr 26, 2018)

fmdog44 said:


> Is it cheating if a person has a one time thing then never is discovered? I'm a life long bachelor so this does not apply to me.



Aren't you glad you shared ? :grin:


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## Gary O' (Apr 26, 2018)

fmdog44 said:


> Is it cheating if a person has a one time thing then never is discovered? I'm a life long bachelor so this does not apply to me.



A cheater never wins
Remember that one?
It also applies to marriage….or committed relationships, whatever it’s called these days.
One time, many times, whatever
As I said before, there are so many situations, I could not judge why some stray

However

Some think they get off
Some actually get off on it…couldn’t be faithful if their life depended on it
It makes me sick to my stomach

If I was unfaithful, I couldn’t look that person in the face…ever
I like looking in the face of loved ones
It’s what faces are for
Saving yer own takes moral fiber, honesty, commitment 
Some never learn, or want to
Some just know before having to learn….maybe from parents, or friends


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## Dragonlady (Apr 26, 2018)

fmdog44 said:


> Is it cheating if a person has a one time thing then never is discovered? I'm a life long bachelor so this does not apply to me.


Absolutely! Duh!


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## 911 (Apr 27, 2018)

I have seen a lot of marriages break up over one of the spouses have an extra marital affair. I had a close friend go through this and he wasn't right for several months and only through therapy was he able to function for quite awhile. The hurt, the pain, the embarrassment, the guilt that my friend suffered was really incomprehensible. I felt really bad for him and there wasn't anything that I could do to help him, except be a good listener. To this day, he still isn't the old Joe that I used to know. He never remarried or even dated after that.  

I have also seen a lot of destruction come from a spouse who has wondered, including assaults and murder. We even had one case where a fellow committed suicide because he was very heart broken over the fact that his wife would cheat on him. He left behind an eight page handwritten letter on both sides of the paper. It appeared to us at the time that he had cried while writing the letter because of the ink ran in certain areas and looked like the way ink gets when it gets wet. 

One fellow followed his wife's lover for two weeks to learn his habits. Then, one morning as the boyfriend was going out to the driveway to get into his car to go to work, BANG!! One shot to the temple through the window. He walked right up to the car and shot through the glass. After that, he called 9-1-1 and turned himself in. His defense was a "Crime of Passion." This is pretty much the norm for this type of crime. 

I also had a young man, maybe about 22 years old, kill his wife's lover with a baseball bat and walk out of the courtroom. The jury found him not guilty by reason of temporary insanity. He had a really good lawyer that was able to convince the jury that when this young man came home early from a hunting trip and found his wife in bed with her lover, he just completely lost it. There was a baseball bat in the corner of the bedroom, which he grabbed and then pummeled the other guy.


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## Pappy (Apr 27, 2018)

It would take a lot of imagination on my part to be having an affair with another woman. Mine has everything I’ll ever need and in 61 years I’ve never been tempted.


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## rgp (Apr 27, 2018)

> "I also had a young man, maybe about 22 years old, kill his wife's lover with a baseball bat and walk out of the courtroom. The jury found him not guilty by reason of temporary insanity. He had a really good lawyer that was able to convince the jury that when this young man came home early from a hunting trip and found his wife in bed with her lover, he just completely lost it. There was a baseball bat in the corner of the bedroom, which he grabbed and then pummeled the other guy."




   LOL..those stories never did make sense too me. Why kill the other guy ?...he is not the one who jilted you...he didn't [as they say] break your heart. The husbands meltdown/anger should be aimed toward the wife.

<caveat>....yes of course he should have just kept his head, turned & walked out.


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## applecruncher (Apr 27, 2018)

All too often the spouse blames and goes after the other woman/man even though the married person initiated and continued the affair. It's like the spouse (and society) feels the other person should have been strong enough to resist being pursued.

I have an aunt & uncle who have been married for almost 60 yrs. Very happy couple- absolutely gaga nuts about each other. I remember once when I was visiting and talking about some movie I'd seen where a spouse kills the lover.

Uncle said:
"Long time ago aunt and I talked about "what if" she had an affair? I said it would hurt like hell and I'd be devastated, but I'm not going to prison for killing her lover and I'm not committing suicide. I'd try my best to get thru the rest of my life."


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## Ruthanne (Apr 27, 2018)

Many informative replies, thanks.  nthego:


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## rgp (Apr 27, 2018)

applecruncher said:


> All too often the spouse blames and goes after the other woman/man even though the married person initiated and continued the affair. It's like the spouse (and society) feels the other person should have been strong enough to resist being pursued.
> 
> I have an aunt & uncle who have been married for almost 60 yrs. Very happy couple- absolutely gaga nuts about each other. I remember once when I was visiting and talking about some movie I'd seen where a spouse kills the lover.
> 
> ...




 Here's a sad one...and direct to my ears from them both........

 Close friends, 40yrs...they have been married 60yrs Both of them, said to me, on the same night.[about 10 yrs ago]..that the biggest mistake they ever made was marrying the other! They have been miserable for all these many years being married to her / married to him. Don't know why I married him / her...I should have divorced him / her years ago.

I hold both of their professions confident to this day...I care for them both...and hate knowing this.


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## jujube (Apr 27, 2018)

rgp said:


> Here's a sad one...and direct to my ears from them both........
> 
> Close friends, 40yrs...they have been married 60yrs Both of them, said to me, on the same night.[about 10 yrs ago]..that the biggest mistake they ever made was marrying the other! *They have been miserable for all these many years being married to her / married to him. Don't know why I married him / her...I should have divorced him / her years ago.*
> 
> I hold both of their professions confident to this day...I care for them both...and hate knowing this.



Old couple hobbles into the divorce attorney's office.  "Sonny, we want you to get us one of them dee-vorces.  Can you do that?"

The attorney replies, "Certainly I can work with you on a divorce.  But, first....are you sure this isn't something that can be worked out?  How long have you been married?"

"It'll be 72 years come June."

The attorney exclaims, "72 YEARS?  Oh my goodness, that is a long time.  You've put so many years into this marriage, I would just hate to see you dissolve it now.  How long have you been wanting a divorce?"

"Waal, we've been talking about it for, oh, 69 or70 years now."

"Why in the world has it taken you so long to decide to divorce?"

"We was just waitin' for the kids to die."


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## Ruthanne (Apr 28, 2018)

jujube said:


> Old couple hobbles into the divorce attorney's office.  "Sonny, we want you to get us one of them dee-vorces.  Can you do that?"
> 
> The attorney replies, "Certainly I can work with you on a divorce.  But, first....are you sure this isn't something that can be worked out?  How long have you been married?"
> 
> ...


Too funny!


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## fmdog44 (Apr 28, 2018)

Ruthanne said:


> Too funny!



Precious


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## Ruthanne (Apr 28, 2018)

fmdog44 said:


> Precious


:sentimental:


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## applecruncher (Apr 28, 2018)

> We even had one case where a fellow committed suicide because he was very heart broken over the fact that his wife would cheat on him. He left behind an eight page handwritten letter on both sides of the paper. It appeared to us at the time that he had cried while writing the letter because of the ink ran in certain areas and looked like the way ink gets when it gets wet. ​



911, that is so sad, and tragic. 

Oh, when I was telling the story upthread about my uncle I also meant to say he told me if my aunt left him and wanted to be with another man he would spend a lot of days & nights looking at old photos and crying like a little girl.    But murder or suicide wouldn't come into play.


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## Ruthanne (Apr 28, 2018)

As for extramarital sex, I didn't believe in it until I was cheated on over and over and then I got even..


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## Kadee (Apr 28, 2018)

I’ve never been unfaithful to my husband of 31 years ..( second  marriage for both of us) .however I was told he was unfaithful ... I could have investigated the allegation but what was  the point of that,  if it did happen and he wanted someone else he was free to go ,IMO there is no sense kicking  dead horse .

To,answer the O P question how do you feel,about it ...I simply wouldn’t accept it, and that person would be out of my life 

My first husband was a serial cheater ,and when he was sentenced to 4 years jail for going to far with one of his extra women 
I fled the town with three small kids and not a cent to my name to better my life .


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## Ruthanne (Apr 29, 2018)

Kadee46 said:


> I’ve never been unfaithful to my husband of 31 years ..( second  marriage for both of us) .however I was told he was ... I could have investigated the allegation but what was  the point of that,  if it did happen and he wanted someone else he was free to go ,IMO there is no sense kicking  dead horse .
> 
> To,answer the O P question how do you feel,about it ...I simply wouldn’t accept it, and that person would be out of my life
> 
> ...


Wow, sounds like you have had a hard life.  You did the right things in getting out of it. Same as me.  I didn't accept it either.  It is humiliating and degrading plus other abuses, too.  Never will I go through that again....hopefully!!


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## Kadee (Apr 29, 2018)

Ruthanne said:


> Wow, sounds like you have had a hard life.  You did the right things in getting out of it. Same as me.  I didn't accept it either.  It is humiliating and degrading plus other abuses, too.  Never will I go through that again....hopefully!!



My ex continued his wild ways and ended up dying in prison in his late 40’s so I never seen him again after fleeing


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## Ruthanne (Apr 29, 2018)

Kadee46 said:


> My ex continued his wild ways and ended up dying in prison in his late 40’s so I never seen him again after fleeing


What can I say.  I know we all have mixed feeling about these things.  I wish you a much better life now!:love_heart:


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## hearlady (Apr 29, 2018)

I am at this moment on vacation celebrating 40 years. I've never cheated and as far as I know my husband hasn't either. We were in the military. He spent 90 days in Saudi Arabia and One Year in Korea.
That's a long time to be young and apart. I had kids to keep me busy. I never asked and he never said. 
So here we are. Is the marriage perfect? No but it's been worth working on and staying together. 
We're reconnecting on this vacation and having a nice time.


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## Traveler (Apr 29, 2018)

I believe that if a person can not play it straight then get a damn divorce. 

My Ex was unreasonably jealous, I certainly never gave her any reason to be like that. But she never believed me, and in retaliation she cheated on me then rubbed my nose in it. I could see the delight in her face as she told me. It near killed me. I never got over that and I never will. As much as I loved her, I wish to God, I'd never met her.


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## hearlady (Apr 30, 2018)

Ruthanne and Kadee, I'm sorry you had those experiences. Sometimes great women marry jerks.
Traveler, I'm pretty sure a lot of your posts on different threads come from that place. Sometimes great men marry jerks too.


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## Don M. (Apr 30, 2018)

We're coming up on our 53rd anniversary, and only death will split us up.  I've always given a pretty girl/lady an appreciative glance, but managed to keep my fly zipped, and have never had any reason to suspect my wife doing anything.  Besides, at my age, the absolute Last thing I would want is to have to "adjust" to another woman.


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## fuzzybuddy (Apr 30, 2018)

"I've lived with what's his face for 63 years", or I cheated on my "ex" is the most common phrase you hear? Unfortunately, it's I cheated is probably the most thing you've heard. Our capacity to keep loving someone isn't as great as our capacity to find some one new.


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## Buckeye (Apr 30, 2018)

fuzzybuddy said:


> "I've lived with what's his face for 63 years", or I cheated on my "ex" is the most common phrase you hear? Unfortunately, it's I cheated is probably the most thing you've heard. *Our capacity to keep loving someone isn't as great as our capacity to find some one new*.



For you, maybe, for many, many, others, no.  Perhaps you should replace "our" with "my" to make this truthful.


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## JudyB (Apr 30, 2018)

I think if one wants to have sex outside of a committed relationship, they should leave! Period.  I've been cheated on but have never cheated on even a boyfriend, and i never would.  I would never want to hurt anyone, the way i hurt.


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## Ruthanne (May 1, 2018)

JudyB said:


> I think if one wants to have sex outside of a committed relationship, they should leave! Period.  I've been cheated on but have never cheated on even a boyfriend, and i never would.  I would never want to hurt anyone, the way i hurt.


You are truly a saint!


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## Traveler (May 1, 2018)

JudyB said:


> I think if one wants to have sex outside of a committed relationship, they should leave! Period.  I've been cheated on but have never cheated on even a boyfriend, and i never would.  I would never want to hurt anyone, the way i hurt.





Ruthanne said:


> You are truly a saint!



Judy, I don't know if you are a "saint" or not but, I congratulate you on being a decent person. Being cheated on, IMO, is one of the most emotionally terrible things that can happen to a person. 

I recall a film, "Under Tuscan Sun" where the main character said, "When you find out something like that, it should just instantly kill you like a bullet to the heart".  I identify with those words.


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## john19485 (May 1, 2018)

I was at the coffee shop last year a women ( she was a friend always set beside me, and we talked, she put her hands between my legs and grabbed me, I pushed her hands away, I had another women set across from me  , she just wanted to talk with me, not the guy she was setting next to. two weeks ago a women I was friends with ran over and hugged me at the store, then later on she tried to hold hands with me. I'm married , love my wife would never have sex with anyone else, but I like to have friends no matter what the sex, just don't like the pushing for something else.


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## Ruthanne (May 3, 2018)

john19485 said:


> I was at the coffee shop last year a women ( she was a friend always set beside me, and we talked, she put her hands between my legs and grabbed me, I pushed her hands away, I had another women set across from me  , she just wanted to talk with me, not the guy she was setting next to. two weeks ago a women I was friends with ran over and hugged me at the store, then later on she tried to hold hands with me. I'm married , love my wife would never have sex with anyone else, but I like to have friends no matter what the sex, just don't like the pushing for something else.


Wow!  I would never do that with a married man!


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## Wren (May 3, 2018)

I would never do that with a single man !!


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## kburra (May 3, 2018)

If both agreeable join the swinging scene,no guilt involved, just a physical experience.


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## Keesha (May 3, 2018)

kburra said:


> If both agreeable join the swinging scene,no guilt involved, just a physical experience.



 The Swingin’ Scene. That’s classy! 


:boo: :disagree: :no:


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## IKE (May 3, 2018)

john19485 said:
			
		

> I was at the coffee shop last year a woman set beside me and we talked she put her hands between my legs and grabbed me.
> 
> 
> John I'd like the address of that coffee shop........shhhh let's keep my asking just between us.


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## kburra (May 3, 2018)

Keesha said:


> The Swingin’ Scene. That’s classy!
> 
> 
> :boo: :disagree: :no:


Each to their own:love_heart::fun::hatlaugh1:


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## Keesha (May 3, 2018)

kburra said:


> Each to their own:love_heart::fun::hatlaugh1:



Very true. If it works for you then why not. 
Its just wouldn’t fly here in this house :sunglass:


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## Ruthanne (May 3, 2018)

kburra said:


> If both agreeable join the swinging scene,no guilt involved, just a physical experience.


It's a matter of choice and some people like this way of living.eace:


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## john19485 (May 3, 2018)

Her husband said she was depressed , she's on meds acting a lot better now, I am friends with her and her husband , I want to remain friends( Her husband is military retired, I would never touch her)





IKE said:


> john19485 said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## AZ Jim (May 3, 2018)

Thankfully that ship has  sailed for me and I am not interested in a repeat performance.  I am a harmless old man now.


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## Aunt Bea (May 4, 2018)

AZ Jim said:


> Thankfully that ship has sailed for me and I am not interested in a repeat performance. I am a harmless old man now.



Jim,

Look on the bright side!!! layful:


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## Elsie (May 4, 2018)

"...So, on this subject of extramarital sex do you feel it is ever right?..."

Nope.  A sin is a sin is a sin.  No excuses for committing it has validity.  Or has God's Word changed that it is not?  Good thing Christ Jesus loves us so much that He allowed Himself to take on our sins and let Himself be put to death for them so that we need not.


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## Keesha (May 4, 2018)

I don’t mean any disrespect here Elsie but what does Jesus Christ have to do with extra martial affairs?


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## Shalimar (May 4, 2018)

Aunt Bea said:


> Jim,
> 
> Look on the bright side!!! layful:


Lulz.


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## Elsie (May 4, 2018)

Extra marital affairs is committing adultery, isn't it?  Adultery is a sin from what God's Word (Jesus) teaches in the Christian Bible.  No disrespect taken, Keesha.   If we disagree, no problem.


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## Keesha (May 4, 2018)

Elsie said:


> Extra marital affairs is committing adultery, isn't it?  Adultery is a sin from what God's Word (Jesus) teaches in the Christian Bible.  No disrespect taken, Keesha.   If we disagree, no problem.



Its my understanding that marital affairs are between consenting adults and if they both agree to being monogamous, then inviting someone else into the picture is breaking that trust.
In the eyes of the law and most religions, it is considered  adultery, so yes, I suppose we agree.


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## Falcon (May 4, 2018)

How do I feel about it?    Fine  with me.  I follow that old saying, 'Variety is the spice of  life."

Just kidding.   I NEVER  cheated  on my wife.  Never had to;  she kept me well satisfied.

2nd  marriages for  both of us.  We traded a few  things  we  knew  from the other  marriage.


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## C'est Moi (May 4, 2018)

I think it's in poor taste, but I don't judge others for what they do.   (But if my husband were to cheat, he'd be looking for another place to live.  )


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## Dragonlady (May 4, 2018)

> =Elsie;815781]Extra marital affairs is committing adultery, isn't it?  Adultery is a sin from what God's Word (Jesus) teaches in the Christian Bible.  No disrespect taken, Keesha.   If we disagree, no problem.


My objection to such behavior has nothing to do with religion; the cheater is breaking his/her word. It's an ethical matter - a breaking of trust.


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## Keesha (May 4, 2018)

Dragonlady said:


> My objection to such behavior has nothing to do with religion; the cheater is breaking his/her word. It's an ethical matter - a breaking of trust.


That was basically my main point also. After all, not everyone practices religion so that shouldn’t be part of the equation.


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## rgp (May 4, 2018)

Dragonlady said:


> My objection to such behavior has nothing to do with religion; the cheater is breaking his/her word. It's an ethical matter - a breaking of trust.



 Agreed +1


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## ProsperosDaughter (May 4, 2018)

Single people having sex with each other without benifit of marriage. I approve completely. 

There are many things I do not understand and cheating is one of them. My father was what one might call a serial cheater. Not only did he cheat on my mom; but he did so with women in our neighborhood. Women who owned/worked in stores where we shopped. Why he felt it necessary to humilate my mother I will never know. 

One of my earilest memories was the Halloween when I was 3. My sister and I were not allowed to trick or treat; but we were allowed to give out candy at our door. One of the neighborhhod boys came and announced that our father was kissing the “lady” in the donut shop. 

He also cheated on his second wife. A woman he married long after my parents divorced.

For me cheating is a relationship ender. If you cheat on me I dump you faster than yesterdays fish. There is no forgiveness. I do not want to here your excuses. There is no excuse for that type of betrayal. 


I have always been a one man woman: married to or dating one single man and sleeping only with him. 

I do have a funny cheating story I like to think of as what goes around comes around. 

Claire single* and Joe married, we all worked in the same office. They began an affair. Everyone knew Joe was unhappily married and it was only a matter of time before he divorced. He divorces but ends it with Claire since now that he has his freedom he does not want to get tied down. Three years later Joe and Claire marry. Three years after that Joe is cheating on Claire with yet another co-worker, Jeanne. They divorce and Joe marries Jeanne. 

Claire was a perennial “other woman” she could never even manage to even date a single man. Claire got what she deserved.


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## RadishRose (May 4, 2018)

Yes, that too! Regarding ethics.


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## Keesha (May 4, 2018)

That must have been tough having a father like that as a child. 
It seems that those hardships are what really create our uniqueness and often the ones who have been through the most, turn out to be true diamonds in the rough. 

I’m not into sharing either; no excuses. 
He’d be instantly kicked to the curb, no questions asked.


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## Lara (May 4, 2018)

Extramarital affairs ruin lives, ruin families, hurts children on multiple levels, ruins your character, your respect, your integrity, maybe lose your job, your promotion, it's cheap, it's weak, it's wrong, it's hurtful, etc etc etc...it's just not worth the natural consequences. Did I mention I'm against extramarital affairs? 

If a person no longer wants to be married to their spouse then get a divorce first, before having extramarital sex. It's still hurtful but it's honest.


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## Ruthanne (May 4, 2018)

Lara said:


> Extramarital affairs ruin lives, ruin families, hurts children on multiple levels, ruins your character, your respect, your integrity, maybe lose your job, your promotion, it's cheap, it's weak, it's wrong, it's hurtful, etc etc etc...it's just not worth the natural consequences. My only experience is that my father left my mother after 35 years of marriage and 3 kids after fooling around with a woman who eventually destroyed him, his business, his health, his character, everything he had. Did I mention I'm against extramarital affairs?


Thanks for your opinion.  Your world certainly has been colored by e.a. and I'm sorry that it happened.


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## djmp (Aug 9, 2018)

Just don't.  It is not worth the price you will pay ultimately.  Instead invest your time and effort into your spouse for a much better return on your investment.  When it comes to marriage, the pasture is rarely if ever greener on the other side.  This is a case where you should think before you leap.


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## djmp (Aug 9, 2018)

You are absolutely spot on.


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## Elsie (Aug 9, 2018)

You 'play' you pay--in many deserved ways.


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## Kadee (Aug 9, 2018)

I just wonder if men who visit brothels is concidered as  cheating ? 

We we sold our house in the Adelaide in 2004 and went traveling around Australia in our caravan 
One of the many interesting large towns we visited has a very long running brothel established in ...1892 

Kalgoorlie is a gold mining town ,that employed allot of married men who’s families lived in other areas ( Kalgoorlie is a very dry dusty area ) 

However the area now has a fly in fly out workforce meaning many of the miners now work two weeks on two weeks off so the brothel has lost allot of business and now conducts day tours of brothel .

We went on the tour out of  curiosity and was told by the madam on the 1.5 hour tour how most of their clients where lonely married men 
she stated her business “saved” allot of marriages that would of otherwise ended if it wasn’t for “her business “ 
https://www.kalgoorlietourism.com/questa-casa-australias-oldest-brothel


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## Keesha (Aug 9, 2018)

If my man visit a brothel , ‘WE’ would be no longer.


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## Kadee (Aug 9, 2018)

I  wouldn’t accept it either Keesha


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## Butterfly (Aug 10, 2018)

Nor would I.


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## Elsie (Aug 10, 2018)

Kadee46, I suspect that the madam saying that some marriages were 'saved' because of some (boo hoo) lonesome husband relieving his 'stress' with a brothel whore was conning herself and whoever to keep the suckers (money) coming in.  Man, what an icky, sleazy occupation.   Marriage saved?  Maybe miserably.


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## Aunt Bea (Aug 10, 2018)

Ruthanne said:


> *Extramarital sex*
> 
> So, on this subject of extramarital sex do you feel it is ever right?
> 
> Please give your opinion on the subject. Thank you.



I don't think that extramarital sex is ever right but I have seen situations over the years where I felt it was understandable.

I'm thinking mainly of situations where one spouse was suffering from a long serious illness.

It really is up to the people directly involved in the relationship to decide for themselves.


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## RadishRose (Aug 10, 2018)

Big mistake.


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## Camper6 (Aug 10, 2018)

It's not a good idea if you don't want to get a divorce.

There are couples however that turn a blind eye.


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## Falcon (Aug 10, 2018)

If  divorce  papers are going through the court  system,  for another  reason  and you've  got really  hot  pants

Ya  might just as  well  do it.    A  ONE  anna  TWO  anna   WHOOPEE  !!!


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## exwisehe (Aug 10, 2018)

One should watch the TV show called ID (Investigative Discovery) once in a while - for a cruel dose of reality.  I am amazed at what can happen to couples.

Often chaos, ruined families, broken trust, calamities, and a host of other things, and sometimes even murders occur because of outbursts of rage.

Some of those who have had their lives ruined are sitting in prison cells.

Its just not worth it for the sake of a few moments of sinful acts and all the web of lies it takes to cover it up.

Don't do it!


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## Dragonlady (Aug 10, 2018)

Married people promise to be faithful to each other. Staying so is a matter of integrity. If you have no intention of staying faithful - stay single. If you do get married and discover your wanderlust is too great, then get a divorce!


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## Warrigal (Aug 10, 2018)

Ruthanne said:


> As for extramarital sex, I didn't believe in it until I was cheated on over and over and then I got even..



My opinion is that by then you didn't have a marriage at all, or at the very least, a very broken one.


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## Knight (Aug 10, 2018)

I don't think I've ever read any pro's for having an extra marital affair. Excuses yes but logical this is the best way to treat a spouse never. Not happy with a marriage? End it the same way it began with respect for the one you thought was right for you.


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## 911 (Aug 11, 2018)

I did not read all of the posts, but I have a friend that was cheated on by his wife. After watching all what he went through emotionally and how it affected his physical health, I would say that it is the worse thing one spouse can do to another, if they are both supposedly in love, which his wife said that she was. His wife told him that it had nothing to do with love, just that he (the other man) paid more attention to her.

I would have to say in my friend’s defense that she must have been looney tunes. My friend spent a lot of time with her and his family. He provided her with a beautiful home, new cars every few years, I never heard him complain about her spending habits and he spent most all of his free time with her and/or the family. She really should not have had any complaints. A lot of wives would have given their left arm to be in her shoes 

This happened maybe 10 years ago and I know that they are still trying to work through it. They have been through counseling, both with a psychologist and their Priest, but he keeps telling me that he just can’t get that spark back that he had prior to his finding out about the affair. For them, divorce is out of the question. They don’t want the family to know or break up the family. 

I guess my question is; is this a good reason for them to stay together? I mean, they do get along very well, but I can just tell that there is a wall between them. He used to show her affection in public, but not anymore. I am surprised that their kids haven’t caught on to that. He and I are actually best friends, so you know how that goes. I am also hurt by this because he is not completely happy, so his pain is also my pain. He does all the right things that he should be doing just as if everything was wonderful. It’s just an amazing situation that they can put on this act, but it is working for them. 

Sorry for for the long post. I wrote about this issue on this forum a few years back. I don’t know what goes on behind their closed doors, but like I wrote earlier, they get along very well in public. I think he’s really trying to find that spark again, but I’m afraid that it’s not going to happen. We don’t talk about it anymore, so I don’t know what he’s thinking about.


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## Elsie (Sep 6, 2018)

exwisehe =


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## kburra (Sep 7, 2018)

If both agree,join a swingers club. problem solved..If that is your thing of course...and I never *moralise* each to their own I say!!


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## Ronni (Sep 7, 2018)

My ex husband had several affairs.  I was very trusting, and very naive, and had no clue for the longest time.  When I found out, I was devastated.  I would never, knowingly, put someone else what I went through as the unsuspecting spouse.  Never.  



Falcon said:


> How do I feel about it?    Fine  with me.  I follow that old saying, 'Variety is the spice of  life."
> 
> Just kidding.   I NEVER  cheated  on my wife.  Never had to;  she kept me well satisfied.
> 
> 2nd  marriages for  both of us.  We traded a few  things  we  knew  from the other  marriage.



Respectfully, I don't agree that it is the wife's job to keep her husband "well satisfied."  I think it's important to ensure that any ****** dysfunction or incompatibilities are addressed or solved.  If they're unsolvable then get a divorce before finding another ****** partner.


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## Keesha (Sep 7, 2018)

And also, with all due respect, Falcon did NOT say, it was his wife’s job to keep him ‘well satisfied.’
He merely stated that ‘ he WAS satisfied. 

I took his answer to mean, I didn’t see a reason to go looking for any other woman because mine keep me happy. 
Perhaps you ‘might’ be taking his words ‘out of context.’

Men often get a bad rap but in my experience, ‘most’ men love incredibly deeply and are exceptionally loyal. In fact, surprisingly so. 

Lets give Falcon and the other loyal men here, the credit they rightly deserve.


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## Gary O' (Sep 7, 2018)

*Extramarital Sex-How Do You Feel About it? 


My basic thoughts on this;*

It’s not ‘manly’ 
Or ‘womanly’
Of which today’s society has really screwed up those definitions
(I'll blame that on the movies...and the bar scene)

When single (or unattached these days), sure, seek, play, cavort

When married (or long term attached), it’s a commitment, a promise
To yer mate
And to yerself 
There are no others

Sure, one finds others attractive
But that’s where it ends

It goes back to the promise of marriage itself
Of which is the most beautiful promise between two people, ever
And should never be trifled with, or taken lightly
It should be enjoyed, to the fullest...moment by precious moment

It’s just too good


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## grahamg (Sep 7, 2018)

You could say my ex.wife's adultery nearly cost me my life, so there can certainly be huge consequences for others, if not for those directly involved in any adultery.

Many men do carry on like this I know, having affairs behind their wife's back, an ex.girlfriend of mine (who I met years after her husband left), was cheated on for probably ten years, and gullible enough to believe his assurances he loved her alone. These days they say more women break up relationships than men, whether or not there is another party involved, but definitely something of a minefield as many earlier posts in this thread show.


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## Visexual (Sep 23, 2018)

I guess it's an alternative to the lack of marital sex.  But, for me at least, there's just too much potential for drama.  And, even though I'm going on seven years without, I don't like drama!


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## Sunny (Sep 23, 2018)

Back in the 1970's, a book called Open Marriage was a big best seller. It promoted the idea of couples being honest with each other about their infidelity, nothing wrong with it, etc.

I don't know how many people actually followed this model of marital behavior. I suspect it may have hastened the end of many marriages. I've never known anyone who openly practices open marriage, except possibly until  now. I do know one (senior) couple in my community who sometimes are seen having dinner together at one of our restaurants. But she frequently travels far and wide (Europe) without him, and he is a notorious womanizer, constantly making passes at other women.  Sometimes I wonder if they are in an open marriage.

My own thinking about this is pretty old fashioned. You promised to be faithful to each other, so be faithful.


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## Elsie (Sep 23, 2018)

If a married person will commit the heartless sin of adultery, no tellin' what other despicable actions they may commit.


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## Manatee (Sep 24, 2018)

No one wants it with an old geezer like me.


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## dkay (Sep 24, 2018)

Dragonlady said:


> Married people promise to be faithful to each other. Staying so is a matter of integrity. If you have no intention of staying faithful - stay single. If you do get married and discover your wanderlust is too great, then get a divorce!



I agree. I married young, had that whole fantasy thing going on where once you say "I do" it leads to a happy life, picket fence, house, kid, dogs etc. I was naive. I overlooked a lot of the red flags that were visible when dating. He cheated then but I thought he would change after marriage. It's painful when you finally see him for what he truly was but by then there was a lot of pain/suffering inflicted on a lot of people through his countless affairs. He should have stayed single.


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## Elsie (Sep 25, 2018)

I divorced my ex-husband before I knew anything about his committing adulteries--I think my sister hinted at it to me once but I could see by the look on her face that she didn't want to go into the details of what she was trying to tell me.  So I let it go because I already had begun losing love for him.  My ex was a egotistic flirt, even to a coworker of mine--which embarrassed her very much--none of my coworkers could stand him,  but they kept quiet about it.  The ignoramus treated me like a roommate with benefits (for him) and mostly ignored me when we went anywhere, and was mostly a T V watcher & didn't show much fatherly interest in our 2 children.  His flirting, and only treating me like I was some trophy, which he'd set aside when we went anywhere, turned my love for him into painful disgust and my just wanting to be rid of him and the pain.  It wasn't until we were divorced that I found out about the poor girl that had fallen for him, gotten pregnant by him and got stuck with him through a quick marriage in another state.  They're still married.  Wow, she must have one tough personality.  The day we were judged divorced was a very happy day for me. 
So, at least for me, adultery did not split up my marriage, but if I'd known about it during our marriage I think I would have divorced him years sooner.


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## Don M. (Sep 25, 2018)

After reading through these posts, and observing others over the years, I consider myself lucky in my marriage of 53+ years.  I have never had any reason to suspect my wife, and I've managed to keep my fly zipped through the years.  Years ago, when in Thailand, in the military, I did go to a local "massage parlor" a couple of times, but that is the extent of my "extramarital affairs"....at the minimum, I was always concerned about getting some sort of STD...which I saw several of my fellow troops having to contend with. 

It seems that over 40% of marriages end in divorce, and it appears to be a toss-up between divorce and health care issues which account for so many Seniors living in or near poverty.  It hasn't been all "roses" during these 53 years, but any disagreements we might have had Never involved either of us fooling around with another partner.  Now, at our ages, Sex is among the least of our priorities....we get our "kicks" at the casinos.


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## Sassycakes (Nov 23, 2018)

Reading these posts reminded me of a couple that were friends of mine and my husbands. They were neighbors of ours and seemed like a perfect couple. After about 20 yrs they moved away. One day the husband came to my house and asked me if I knew that his wife had numerous affairs. I was shocked. He said after they moved he stopped in a place to eat lunch and started talking to a man sitting next to him. During the conversation he told the guy where he  use to live. The guy told him that he always frequented a bar in that neighborhood. He said every time he went to the bar there were 2 sisters there and they had sex with most of the guys there. He mentioned the women's names and it was his wife and her sister. He was devastated . Then he found out that when he was in bed after back surgery his wife had sex in their living room with another guy. My Heart broke for him This happened years ago and they are still together. After I heard all that I have never felt the way I did with his wife. We are no longer in touch and to this day my heart breaks for what he had to endure. I am grateful everyday that me and my Husband never had to go through that heartache in the 53yrs we have been married.


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## Elsie (Nov 23, 2018)

Thank goodness you haven't Sassy.  I divorced my husband without even knowing he's gotten another young woman pregnant--I divorced him because he thought he was 'Don Juan' & flirted with most women in sight.  This and his acting like we were just roommates with benefits killed my love for him.  I had nightmares for several years after about still being married to him.  Hope your friend the exhushand is far beyond his pain now.


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## AZ Jim (Nov 23, 2018)

Sex?  Sex?  What is Sex?


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## fuzzybuddy (Nov 23, 2018)

I guess it's how comfortable you are with sex. If you believe that sex is some higher plain of being, and used only for procreation; then extra-marital sex is definitely forbidden. At the extreme other end, if you believe that sex is just performing the act, without any emotional attachment; then it's no big deal. Most of us are going to fall within those two ends. But the most important issue will be the amount of feeling "betrayed" by all the parties. That emotional component is hard to navigate,


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## fmdog44 (Nov 23, 2018)

I still feel about it with both hands. Somethings never change.


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## oldman (Nov 24, 2018)

I was holding back on posting in this thread, but I wanted to post this story. We have all heard the jokes and inclinations that female flight attendants and male pilots carry on some pretty good affairs. Sadly, I must report that this is true. I was flying with a First Officer who was well known among other pilots as a serial cheater. We were flying from Boston out to San Francisco on one of the most beautiful days that I could ever remember. We did not have one mile of turbulence the whole way. It was by far the best flight that I was ever on, so I'm thinking to myself, (truthfully), "On a day like this, what could go wrong?" Well, you heard of hexing yourself, right? Yeah, well, that's exactly what happened.

After we had everything done at the airport that needed to be done, we made our way to the hotel, which was just a few miles from the airport. The whole flight crew, all eight of us, were stuffed into the one van. (Thankfully, it was a ten passenger van.) While we were in the air, the First Officer told me that he was going to rendezvous with the one Flight Attendant. (What people do on the ground is none of my business, although I do voice my opinion when they first tell me, but no lecture.) Upon arrival at the hotel, the F/O and myself were the last ones to exit the van. As I was tipping the van driver, the F/O was unloading the bags from the rear of the van. All of a sudden, I heard a heck of a commotion at the rear of the van. My first thought was that a bag may have dropped on the F/O's foot. As I started to make my way back to the rear of the van, I saw the F/O being punched by another man, who was a big guy. I thought for sure that he was being robbed, so I tried to help my friend, only to end of getting socked in the mouth and having to go to the dentist as soon as I got back home. I had lost a cap. OUCH! (BTW, we did prevail, but I should have stayed out of it.)

I came to find out later and after all the dust had settled, that the F/A's husband had read an e-mail on his wife's computer at home that this rendezvous was going to happen, so he took an earlier flight and met us at the hotel and wanted to get his pound of flesh. Within just a few minutes, we had cops on the scene, then two ambulances showed up and boy, what a mess. After all was said and done, the husband was arrested and the F/O was taken to the hospital and could not fly the next day. Of course, the F'A's marriage was over, the husband was just fined and released and the F/O was suspended by United, but did keep his job. 

What started out to be a beautiful day turned out to be not so beautiful.


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## Pappy (Nov 24, 2018)

Not much of a story here. 62 years faithful to my wife, and her to me. No reason to look elsewhere, it’s all right here.


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## Ken N Tx (Nov 24, 2018)

Pappy said:


> Not much of a story here. 62 years faithful to my wife, and her to me. No reason to look elsewhere, it’s all right here.


Ditto..55 years


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## hearlady (Nov 24, 2018)

Pappy said:


> Not much of a story here. 62 years faithful to my wife, and her to me. No reason to look elsewhere, it’s all right here.


Same here after 40 years.
My husband spent a year in Korea with the Air Force. I never asked about that time but based on emotions at the halfway visit and when he came home I would say the genies were still in the bottles......if you know what I mean.


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## 911 (Nov 24, 2018)

“Trust, but verify.”   

Good words to live by.


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