# Finding new friends.



## fuzzybuddy (Oct 19, 2019)

I'm pretty much home bound. Most of the time I'm in a wheel chair. I can walk, but only with a walker and for very short times. I know it's hard to believe, but there aren't thousands lining up at my front door, all dying to be my friend. It esy to say, well  just get out. But when the getting out causes intense back pain. "Houston. We have a problem". What do I do?


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## Aunt Bea (Oct 19, 2019)

That's a tough one.

I meet a few people when I'm out and about but they are acquaintances with a quick hello or a kind word.  All of my real friendships were formed when I was young, active, and quite frankly more attractive.  As I've gotten older I notice that people tend to focus on relationships with close family and lifelong friends, it seems difficult almost impossible to become a part of another person's inner circle at this point in my life.

Another problem for me is that I don't work very hard at being a good friend to others.  I suppose it's a case of getting as much as I deserve from a relationship based on what I'm willing to contribute to it.

The only way I can think of to at least meet some people that may become friends is to make some noise and let people know that you exist and what you have to offer.  Check the local area for things that you can become involved in without a requirement for attendance.  It may be joining an online group that deals with local history, a church or agency that needs volunteers to call other people with mobility issues, help a charity with some form of clerical work that can be performed at home.

Another thought is taking a serious look at selling out and moving to an apartment or facility that offers more of a community atmosphere.

Good luck FB I hope you find what you are looking for.


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## Pepper (Oct 19, 2019)

Gosh, Bea, *I* could have written your post, at least the first two paragraphs.


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## bingo (Oct 19, 2019)

we never know just what kinda shape we'll be in....I only have one friend ...she comes over for coffee bout once a week.....I have no initiative to try and make more...?...anyway....I think of you and this life. ...


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## Keesha (Oct 19, 2019)

I deleted my first post. It was far too depressing. 

Since caring for my parents I’m becoming more aware how small the world can become and lonely. 
Friends die off , move away or just disappear. 

If I lose my husband I’d pretty much be on my own. If I become senile I’ll have nobody to help me. 
It’s a bit scary. 
Edit: it’s a LOT scary. 

I’m like Aunt Bea. I don’t put in enough effort to get to know people or let them get to know me. I’m fairly aloof in real like and somewhat shy unless I get ticked off. 

Sorry fuzzy. I’m not much help. 
I’m scared of getting old, senile, immobile and alone. It’s so incredibly sad. 

I feel like I just fell down a rabbit hole.


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## Sunny (Oct 19, 2019)

I'm very glad we moved to a retirement community for seniors (55 and over).  There are many more popping up all over the country. Most of them have independent homes as well as various degrees of assisted living if needed. (Mine does not, which will be unfortunate if I ever need it.)  

The upside is all the friends, activities, caring people, etc. The buildings and grounds are laid out with wheelchair accessibility in mind, so there are no stairs unless you choose to live in a two-story town house. I have no trouble with stairs, but appreciate not having to deal with them anyway.
Most of all, the emotional support is a tremendous plus.  It's worth the effort of moving, and can be surprisingly affordable.  Check it out.


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## tortiecat (Oct 20, 2019)

I also am happy that we moved to a 'seniors' residence' before my husband passed away!
I maybe alone but I have made friends and acquaintances, so can be alone or seek company
when lonely. Love my family dearly, but they have their own lives, and I know they are there for me
if and when needed.  Then, of course, I have my cat Callie, so am never really alone!


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## toffee (Oct 20, 2019)

hey fuzzy seeing your on a laptop -have u googled house bound -in your local area on line -- ?


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## Catlady (Oct 20, 2019)

There is a saying:  Growing old is not for sissies.

No kidding!  My sister, unlike me, was always very friendly and had lots of friends.  Yet when she got old she complained that most of her old friends had abandoned her and it was hard to make new friends. 

I agree with Bea's advice  =  *Another thought is taking a serious look at selling out and moving to an apartment or facility that offers more of a community atmosphere.*

With you being in a wheelchair and having mobility issues and lonely and craving company, that above is your best option.


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## fuzzybuddy (Oct 20, 2019)

Thanks for the tips. To answer, why I stay way out in the sticks.  I, recently, came out of  an"assisted living facility". There are two reason why. First was it would have drained me completely of every cent I had. Then I would have been dumped "someplace". When I was recovering from my hospitalizing, I was in several "nursing homes", which accepted what my insurance was willing to pay. I do have a chronic spinal problem, and in one of these places it took 4 hours for me to get a pain pill. The second reason I left the 'ass. liv. fac.', was that while I had tablemates and friends, it was not uncommon for us to eat in total silence- we had nothing  more to say to each other. We all heard the same tired stories we all told. The place was clean, neat, and respectful of us. But everybody in the place is losing, day by day, physical abilities. It was little things, like you couldn't have your old warm cozy bed: you, now, had  to have a hospital bed. And frankly, it's the friends,  who will never show up for breakfast.
My Home is paid for, and while I can, I will live there. But it does come with the problem of being isolated in a rural setting.


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## Pepper (Oct 20, 2019)

Just curious.  Could you get enough from selling your place to live in a small apartment in a neighborhood that has nearby conveniences?  Where you would see more people on a daily basis?


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## Catlady (Oct 20, 2019)

fuzzybuddy said:


> My Home is paid for, and while I can, I will live there. But it does come with the *problem of being isolated in a rural setting*.


I think that is your main problem.  I'm a loner and I've always said,  "I like to be among people but not with them".  You seem to like people and want their company but are stuck ''out in the boonies'' without even the option of ''people watching''.  Maybe you don't even need, for now, to pay for those expensive assisted living place, just get a place in town where you can sit outside and watch people, that alone will at least assuage your loneliness.  

Sometimes in movies and photos I see images of old people in a park or outside their places just sitting talking or even playing checkers etc.   My grandma in Italy used to sit outside her front door and soon enough other old ladies would join her to gossip.  I have a lovely picture of her doing that.


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## fuzzybuddy (Oct 20, 2019)

To be honest, I'm not the only senior to be facing the same problems. So I don't want this tread to be about just me. I think its the problem of limited mobility, limited finances, and limited options- things that most seniors face.


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## Pepper (Oct 20, 2019)

Well then, if you like, look at the answers you've received to be symbolic for all seniors facing the problems you do.
But, I don't get it.  In Op you use the word "I" (& my or me)  a bunch times, ending with *What do I do?  *So, why are you backing off?  It IS about you and there's nothing wrong with that.


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## Aunt Bea (Oct 20, 2019)

I'm pretty much a loner like PVC and I agree with the statement _"I like to be among people but not with them."_ 

I need my privacy to recharge my batteries and then I'm good to go for a little friendly interaction with others but I have no desire to live with anyone or to have a cheery CNA/aide popping in the door at any hour of the day or night.

I choose to live alone in a typical apartment complex with a mix of people but I know the day will come when I need to move to some sort of a senior facility so I'm trying to scale back my possessions, organize my finances, and adjust my attitude in an effort to be ready when that time comes.

_"And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep ..."_ - Don Schultz, The Gambler


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## DGM (Oct 22, 2019)

Ever check out "Meetup.com"?  I suggest you do so.  Heck, start a new meetup group:  Lonely old people who need company.  How about hosting a friendly card or board game get together.  I see ads on Craigslist or local papers for "Euchre Players wanted".  Euchre is a very popular Indiana card game.  You do have my sympathies.  So many people are so tied up with the grand kids.  Grandparents are required to attend all soccer, baseball, and whatever else the kids are into.


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## StarSong (Oct 22, 2019)

This thread is particularly timely because my sweet 93 year old father-in-law passed away last week.  Widowed, the last of his siblings, and the last of his friends, his funeral will be family only. 

He lived in a lovely assisted living facility for the past 2-1/2 years.  Since many residents of these facilities (including him) have reduced cognition due to various dementias, their interaction sometimes reminded me of the kind of parallel play one sees among toddlers. Some have formed relationships, but others are alone together, if that makes sense.

Although an over 55 independent-homes type retirement community doesn't currently appeal, if I found myself becoming isolated I wouldn't be averse to moving to one.


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## fuzzybuddy (Oct 23, 2019)

The problem of selling my home and then living off the proceeds in a small city apartment is money. I can remain in my home and y bank account can grow. If I move to a urban area, my savings will begin to be de-pleated. Sooner, or later, I will need that nest egg. Assisted living facilities don't come cheap. To be blunt, without cash, you are homeless.

Thank you all for your concern. I don't want this to be the "it's all about Fuzzybuddy" thread.


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## Catlady (Oct 23, 2019)

fuzzybuddy said:


> The problem of selling my home and then living off the proceeds in a small city apartment is money. I can remain in my home and y bank account can grow. If I move to a urban area, my savings will begin to be de-pleated. Sooner, or later, I will need that nest egg. *Assisted living facilities don't come cheap. *To be blunt, without cash, you are homeless.
> 
> Thank you all for your concern. I don't want this to be the "it's all about Fuzzybuddy" thread.


That is true if you move to an assisted living place, they are expensive.  Most of the suggestions here are about selling the house and moving to an apartment.   When you're in good health your choices are unlimited, but you live out in the boondocks with mobility issues.  You talk as if living in your house is free, it is not.  If you add up all your expenses of owning the home and all the expenses of renting a small decent apartment, the total expense of either one will probably be not that different.  And then there is your health and loneliness you spoke of in your post.  Your post was written about you, you didn't ask what someone else would do in your situation.


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## Silverfox (Oct 23, 2019)

Fuzzybuddy, I don't know how far you live out in the boondocks, but most areas have mobility buses or vans for seniors that need them to take them places not only to doctors appointments but also to senior day centers where you could interact with other seniors and be engaged in activities. I believe that most of this county mobility rides are free services or a small fee if you have a doctors prescribed need for it which it certainly sounds like you do. It may just be something to look into.


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## Liberty (Oct 23, 2019)

Could you foster care a dog or cat?  Those who foster animals usually get vet bills and animal food paid for.  It would be an at home companion for you.  Studies show its good for your overall health, too.


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## Catlady (Oct 23, 2019)

Liberty said:


> Could you foster care a dog or cat?  Those who foster animals usually get vet bills and animal food paid for.  It would be an at home companion for you.  Studies show its good for your overall health, too.


That would be okay if he loves animals and would be able to take care of their needs.  He's in a wheelchair and it's painful for him to walk.


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## Liberty (Oct 23, 2019)

PVC said:


> That would be okay if he loves animals and would be able to take care of their needs.  He's in a wheelchair and it's painful for him to walk.


Yeah, a cat would be best assuming he likes animals... as you don't have to take a cat out for a walk. Just a litter box is all you need.  We've had cats for many  years and they are wonderful companion animals.


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## Rosedala (Oct 24, 2019)

fuzzybuddy said:


> I'm pretty much home bound. Most of the time I'm in a wheel chair. I can walk, but only with a walker and for very short times. I know it's hard to believe, but there aren't thousands lining up at my front door, all dying to be my friend. It esy to say, well  just get out. But when the getting out causes intense back pain. "Houston. We have a problem". What do I do?


I understand you.  See if you can do this or get more or different ideas from it:  

(1)  If you can go to a gym with a pool and Jacuzzi, then while in the Jacuzzi do little exercises of your toes, legs, arms, hands, neck, etc. slowly at first, maybe once or twice a week for about 30 minutes and then go increasing gradually both the length of time and the exercises, you'll feel with more physically and spiritually invigorated!

(2)  DON'T STOP THERE!    Find out if they have a water aerobics class and join them.  It'll be a lot of fun AND you may get some friends too and the aerobics will give you further mobility.  And just as above mentioned, you'll gradually feel stronger and even feel the pain diminished.

(3)  Do you know about meetup.com?  If you don't please go and browse thoroughly so you know how it works for people to make friends in groups.  See if any of them 
have Karaokes if you like singing.  Find the ones in private rooms rather than in bars.

I hope you make the little effort and I wish you the very best!


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## hollydolly (Oct 25, 2019)

All great advice @Rosedala, and I've just read on another thread that you're 92 years old, so if anyone has good advice to give out it's gonna be you for sure... ..and I'm more than willing to listen if you want to keep it coming..

Welcome to the forum...from London England


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## Ladybj (Nov 17, 2019)

fuzzybuddy said:


> Thanks for the tips. To answer, why I stay way out in the sticks.  I, recently, came out of  an"assisted living facility". There are two reason why. First was it would have drained me completely of every cent I had. Then I would have been dumped "someplace". When I was recovering from my hospitalizing, I was in several "nursing homes", which accepted what my insurance was willing to pay. I do have a chronic spinal problem, and in one of these places it took 4 hours for me to get a pain pill. The second reason I left the 'ass. liv. fac.', was that while I had tablemates and friends, it was not uncommon for us to eat in total silence- we had nothing  more to say to each other. We all heard the same tired stories we all told. The place was clean, neat, and respectful of us. But everybody in the place is losing, day by day, physical abilities. It was little things, like you couldn't have your old warm cozy bed: you, now, had  to have a hospital bed. And frankly, it's the friends,  who will never show up for breakfast.
> My Home is paid for, and while I can, I will live there. But it does come with the problem of being isolated in a rural setting.
> [/QUOTE
> That is very understandable.  I plan on staying in my home.  I an an extrovert.  I enjoy meeting people, however I have friends that I keep in touch with..some more than others.  I have two special friends that I talk with or text almost daily.  We don't visit each other much but we do keep in touch.  I also have family that doesn't live too far.  I am sure it is hard living isolated.  Its good that you are able to chat here in the forum with wonderful people.


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## OneEyedDiva (Nov 20, 2019)

After my husband passed, I was determined to find a senior center to attend. I joined one in town in April. I've since made a couple of what I consider friends and more "good acquaintances".  The senior center sends a para transit or senior bus door to door to pick up those of us who don't drive.  It has a wheelchair lift.  There is one gentleman who came in a wheelchair for awhile, now he's walking again.  There are breakfast foods available and we get a big lunch for $1.25.  People play cards, there's bingo days and other games are available.  Tuesdays & Thursdays are exercise days so those are the days I go most weeks.  Sometimes there are special presentations, activities and trips.  Over the past couple of months, more men have joined, including my cousin (this week). There's always lively conversation going on and we don't just limit our talks with same sex members.

Have you ever checked to see if a senior center is available in your area? If so, would you consider joining?


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## bearcat (Mar 18, 2020)

fuzzybuddy said:


> I'm pretty much home bound. Most of the time I'm in a wheel chair. I can walk, but only with a walker and for very short times. I know it's hard to believe, but there aren't thousands lining up at my front door, all dying to be my friend. It esy to say, well  just get out. But when the getting out causes intense back pain. "Houston. We have a problem". What do I do?



If you cannot get out, can people come to you?  
A day playing cards, group watch a DVD?
Do you have a skill to teach? Would someone come see you to, for example, learn
to play a musical instrument, or how to knit?


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