# a son is a son till he takes a wife



## Gammareen (Oct 21, 2016)

I didn't realize how true this little verse would become for me.  I raised my son alone since he was 2 years of age.   We had always agreed that when he was old enough he would go live with his Dad and get to know him.   Even after 40 years, I am still on good terms with his Dad.  That's not the problem.  It is just since he married.  He married a beautiful, smart girl who is a great wife to him and the best Mom I could ever want for the grandkids.  I don't understand why when it comes to me she is super insecure.   I visit once a year ... they are distant so can't afford more than one trip .... but they have never visited me.   Emails go unanswered most of the time, I'm not to telephone them, texts are not answered etc etc
I understand that a man must "cleave to his wife" but does that mean to abandon his mother?   This is breaking my heart and I don't know what to do.   Accept it?  I have never spoken to my son about it.   Is anyone else experiencing something similar?


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## tnthomas (Oct 21, 2016)

I am sorry that you experience this, I think that many a parent ends up in this situation after divorce, with one or more of their children.  I can't define it.

My daughter never seems to have the time for me to come visit, she's only 200 miles away.  We talk on the phone about once a month, texting kind of goes in "bursts".    Lately, since she's become manager at work, we e-mail(gosh, e-mail?) frequently.     It is _what-it-is._..  :shrug:


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## Gammareen (Oct 21, 2016)

Thanks for understanding Thomas.  You seem to have accepted it better than I have.   It just overwhelms me at times and I have to distract myself to avoid the thoughts and feelings.   Not sure what you meant in the last couple of lines ...
I appreciate you taking the time to send a reply.


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## fureverywhere (Oct 21, 2016)

I disagree, but then again I have a uniquely bad experience with daughters. Both of my sons are grown and even closer to me than as children. The eldest is married with a baby and the younger has a partner. Still they talk to me more than the girls ever did.


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## Gammareen (Oct 21, 2016)

It's good you pointed that out.  I haven't experienced a daughter relationship so I was incorrectly assuming it was sons .....


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 21, 2016)

I'm a woman and I have to say that when I moved out of state and got married over forty years ago, my contact with my mother did dwindle.  I called her a couple of times a year, sent birthday cards and gifts and holiday cards, and visited her in person just a few times.  Luckily when she became elderly and sickly, I was able to have a heart to heart talk with her and apologize for not being as close as I should have.  I think just having a husband, a full time job and taking care of everyday things becomes priority once you move away.  

I was closer to my husband's mother, she moved to our state and got a house nearby, then when she and his father became severely ill, we moved them into our home with us for their last years, so they wouldn't have to go to a nursing home.  So we were all like one family together.

Please don't take it to heart, they're probably so involved with what's going on around them.  You could mention to your son privately that you'd like him to call once in awhile and let you know how they're doing.  But I wouldn't pressure at all, or become too upset if he doesn't.  My mother just accepted it at the time, I think she was just happy I married a good man who was taking good care of me and keeping me happy.  At least your son has a nice wife too, it would be terrible if he was treated badly.  Hugs. :love_heart:


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## Gammareen (Oct 21, 2016)

I have never looked at it that way.  Your words have helped me understand a bit better.  Thank you.


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## tnthomas (Oct 21, 2016)

Gammareen said:


> Not sure what you meant in the last couple of lines ...



Are you referring to:



> Every generation has to be vigilant, recognize the threat, and push back against the forces of evil.
> I can explain it to you, but I cannot understand it for you



That is my "sig line", a signature that appears in every post I write.


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## Carla (Oct 21, 2016)

Sorry to hear that, I can understand how that must be painful for you. Could if be in part that they are just busy? Even that is a poor excuse--an occasional phone call or e-mail doesn't take that long. I think I would have to say something if it were me. I know when children get married their families come first. That doesn't mean we should be ignored though. All you can do is try and get some answers. Look down below on this forum When Children Abandon Their Parents


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## AprilSun (Oct 22, 2016)

It seems to be the "norm" for that generation today. Everyone I have spoken to, says they don't hear from their children, male or female, unless "they want something". I know I have daughters and unless I call them, I won't be able to talk with them. One of them when I call and leave a message, she will not return my calls so I have to send emails then it takes her several days to reply if she does. The other one will call very rarely but they do come and visit about once a month if I'm lucky. Then, I just have to sit and listen to them talk between themselves because when I try to say something, it is ignored. I'm glad they come but it would be nice to be able to talk and visit with them while they're here. I never treated my mother like this. We would talk every day but that is a thing of the past. Today's kids seem to be too "self-centered". I didn't mean to get started complaining. Just remember, you're not alone.


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## Falcon (Oct 22, 2016)

Sometimes  _self examination_ might answer those problems.  Think about it.


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## BlunderWoman (Oct 22, 2016)

I'm sorry you are feeling abandoned Gamma. It can happen to anyone. It's a deep hurt I'm sure. I've been fortunate with my kids. I just got lucky, that's all. Sometimes in life you  have to grab some family where you can or even make your own. Maybe find something you have an interest in and make friends . I know that's not like having your son, but it will help fill the void. (((((hugs))))


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## Gammareen (Oct 22, 2016)

Yes, I'm realizing I'm not alone more and more.  Knowing that does bring me comfort.  Thank you.


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## Gammareen (Oct 22, 2016)

Oh if you only knew!   I've been "self examining myself to death!"   Relationship issues are never one sided.   Someone earlier said, "It is what it is."  Good advice I think.
Thanks.  I understand.


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## Butterfly (Oct 23, 2016)

Gammareen said:


> Oh if you only knew!   I've been "self examining myself to death!"   Relationship issues are never one sided.   Someone earlier said, "It is what it is."  Good advice I think.
> Thanks.  I understand.



I think that's good advice too.  I've found that you can never force relationships to be what you wish they could be, and it seems like the more you try to do so, the worse they get.  And sometimes finding the "answer" doesn't necessarily do any good.  I thing many times we just have to accept and make the best of.  Some things really can't be fixed.


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## fureverywhere (Oct 23, 2016)

I think part of it is just the age of technology. I mean some people text or talk or compute all day long. But for the minority of us it doesn't really count unless it's a snail mail note or card. One son lives with us but even he manages handwritten cards sometimes. The older boy and his family nothing printed nada. I know he has a busy schedule and she might not have a big written command of English. So I talk to him on the phone and try to be grateful for that instead.


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## Robusta (Oct 24, 2016)

The saying is true from my point of view. My son is a product of a broken marriage and 20 years of custody battles, child support,and other issues. My ex actively dedicated her life to making sure that my relationship with my son was difficult.  Somehow we persevered and maintained a relationship. He got married and as a couple they chose her family to be primary and we became the "other "grandparents.  Twenty some years later he catches her on her knees with a guy and kicks the shit out of her.  Two years on the dust is still clouding every thing. she has met and took up with several other guys, he has moved in with another woman.  My grandchildren,my wife and my daughters do not like the new one. I don't especially do either, but am willing to accept her, the others not so much. Needless to say seeing my son is not a common occurance anymore.


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## anodyne (Oct 24, 2016)

I hardly ever saw my sons after they married, too. I expected that but it was still a let-down. I did see them on holidays and it was as though they were coming to another Sunday dinner. I got used to it. They are in their mid 40s now and I've been seeing more of them and getting calls and texts. I suppose I'll have to get used to that


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## Butterfly (Oct 24, 2016)

I think we pretty much have to expect that our children's presence in our lives will be very much diminished after they marry and have their own families.  It's just the way it is.


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## QuickSilver (Oct 24, 2016)

Unfortunately, it seems to be pretty much across the board that the Paternal parents ususally do not get the access or the latitude given to the Maternal parents.. Particularly and ESPECIALLY the Mother of the Husband.  WHY?  It's a woman thing..  The other reason is that the wife I ususally in charge of the couple's social calendar.. she is the one who makes the plans for the Holidays or for contact.  It's generally not the husband.   You can pretty much be assured that the Mother of her husband is not going to be given the same consideration as her parents get.. OR as much latitude with her children..  This is something we mothers of sons simply have to accept and move on.  It's a fact of life.


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## 911 (Oct 28, 2016)

"A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life." Or something like that.


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## anodyne (Oct 28, 2016)

QuickSilver said:


> Unfortunately, it seems to be pretty much across the board that the Paternal parents ususally do not get the access or the latitude given to the Maternal parents.. Particularly and ESPECIALLY the Mother of the Husband.  WHY?  It's a woman thing..  The other reason is that the wife I ususally in charge of the couple's social calendar.. she is the one who makes the plans for the Holidays or for contact.  It's generally not the husband.   You can pretty much be assured that the Mother of her husband is not going to be given the same consideration as her parents get.. OR as much latitude with her children..  This is something we mothers of sons simply have to accept and move on.  It's a fact of life.



You probably know that it's just the opposite in most eastern cultures (at least, historically) - when a woman marries she becomes the newest member of her husband's family, and her life pretty much revolves around her in-law's needs. I read that among some tribes in Turkey (way back when, I suppose) a woman might never see her family again, in which case her husband's father would send them a monthly stipend. Not sure if that was out of gratitude or as an apology.


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## Lethe200 (Oct 28, 2016)

>>This is something we mothers of sons simply have to accept and move on. It's a fact of life.>>

Please, you don't speak for everyone. It is NOT a fact of everyone's life. My DH is an only child and we split our time evenly between his family and mine. Sometimes we'd all get together. But often we'd split holidays, especially as my family is more numerous and when the little kids started coming (we're childless, but my sister had kids) we felt it was important to be there for "big events."

Since we went to see my in-laws every 1-2 weeks, everybody felt it was a fair split. 

The work culture is very different than what it was when I first began working in 1968 (and retired in 2006). It is HIGHLY STRESSFUL and extra hours are the norm now. Commutes can be very long - my nephew, now grown and married with three kids(!), travels all over the world. It takes him over an hour to get to the airport and he's there at least 4-6x/month. His wife is one of the rare spouses that can afford to stay home. 

Virtually all other young couples we know are two-income families, with kids or without. They are exhausted when they come home. A couple of friends are working on their graduate degrees; they have massive amounts of homework as well, due every week. 

I preferred to write to my mother, while she was alive (I also sent her flowers once a month). Mostly because that was pre-cell phone days, and every time I tried to call her, she was out doing something. Not one to stay home and watch TV, LOL. She was always interested in finding new activities and meeting new people. As my oldest sister once said to me, "You know, Mom makes us look _*slow!"*_


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## QuickSilver (Oct 29, 2016)

Lethe200 said:


> >>This is something we mothers of sons simply have to accept and move on. It's a fact of life.>>
> 
> Please, you don't speak for everyone. It is NOT a fact of everyone's life. My DH is an only child and we split our time evenly between his family and mine. Sometimes we'd all get together. But often we'd split holidays, especially as my family is more numerous and when the little kids started coming (we're childless, but my sister had kids) we felt it was important to be there for "big events."
> 
> ...



Don't lecture....  I know there are exceptions.. However, for the most part.. what I have said is true.. Just go on the net and look for the forums that bash Mother-in Laws..  In fact.. IVillage has a sub forum named "My Mother in Law is a Crapburger"   And it's really active and disgusting.  OF course the members are not MEN.   There are many many sites like this.   You will NEVER find a site for men who hate their Fathers in Law..  It's a woman thing.. Jealousy and competition..  period..  women are threatened by other women and feel they must "win".. I suppose there are all sorts of psychological and sociologic reasons for this.  But who cares... DILs can destroy a moms relationship with their sons and their grandchildren if they choose... they can.. and many of them do.


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## QuickSilver (Oct 29, 2016)

anodyne said:


> You probably know that it's just the opposite in most eastern cultures (at least, historically) - when a woman marries she becomes the newest member of her husband's family, and her life pretty much revolves around her in-law's needs. I read that among some tribes in Turkey (way back when, I suppose) a woman might never see her family again, in which case her husband's father would send them a monthly stipend. Not sure if that was out of gratitude or as an apology.



Absolutely I know this..  But in the West.. there seems to be a tendency to try to wrestle a man away from his Bio-family and engulf him in the wife's clan..   I have seen this almost as the norm.... Women who actually treat their husbands family with equal love and respect... particularly his mother are an exception.  Most just hate her.. or tolerate her.


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