# Conversations with my husband, yes, he really says stuff like this, and my various mishaps



## Aneeda72 (May 5, 2020)

I get him up at 6:30 as agreed.  We are going shopping, senior hour, at the WinCo.  You getting up?  Nope, he says, you go.  Yup, I say.  I rarely drive now.  Rarely go anywhere by myself.  The reason will become apparent.  How do I get there?  What street is it on?  7200 south, on the east side.  K.

Most of our streets are numbered not named.  We live on the west side, at 5400, so easy.  After half an hour can’t fine it.  Sigh.  Finally decide to drive down 7000, cross to 7800 it’s got to be between the two.  Nope, its on 7000. I go into WinCo.  When I finally get home I say to him you gave me the wrong street. Yup, he says with a smile.

Yup, he does that a lot.  He thinks it’s funny . Before I go home, I go to Costco.

I get to Costco, accidentally drop my keys between the seat and the center console.  Dang.  Get out of the car and move the seat back, reach under to seat to get the keys.  Sigh.  I fall into the car.  I have balance problems.  Now I’m stuck.  I can’t pull myself up, I have a torn rotator cuff and can’t get my arm into position. 

I finally manage to wiggle out a little, one butt cheek () is sitting on the edge of the car.  Still stuck, but managed, from this position with sore arm to grab car keys.  But can’t get up.  No one will help.  I am beginning to think I will have to call the paramedics to get my stuck, weak, fat self out of my car so I can buy my son a chicken.  Lovely.

Legs recover from the fall and seem stronger, I use my good arm to pull myself up, and I am finally unstuck.  Now to get my walker out of the trunk.  Omgosh, will spare you that story but was apparently entertaining to several, standing in line people.  Finally got to get in line.  Employee notices my arm, which is bandaged, and asks if she can put my walker into the grocery cart, so I don’t have to push my walker with one hand and pull the cart with the other.

It took me 20 minutes to get the walker out of my trunk, how could I possibly get it out of a cart. Yup, no thanks.
I explain the situation to my husband when I get home, of falling and being stuck in the car.  His response, maybe I should have gone with you?  You think?


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## Aneeda72 (May 5, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> I get him up at 6:30 as agreed.  We are going shopping, senior hour, at the WinCo.  You getting up?  Nope, he says, you go.  Yup, I say.  I rarely drive now.  Rarely go anywhere by myself.  The reason will become apparent.  How do I get there?  What street is it on?  7200 south, on the east side.  K.
> 
> Most of our streets are numbered not named.  We live on the west side, at 5400, so easy.  After half an hour can’t fine it.  Sigh.  Finally decide to drive down 7000, cross to 7800 it’s got to be between the two.  Nope, its on 7000. I go into WinCo.  When I finally get home I say to him you gave me the wrong street. Yup, he says with a smile.
> 
> ...


Yeah, the jelly bean story is coming.


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

I have jelly beans, my ER supply for when I’m really stressed.  Like all of us I am more stressed than usual, so I’ve been eating more jelly beans.  Wow, I didn’t realize I had eaten half a jar so quick.  I decided enough is enough and threw the rest of them away.

I emptied the jar into the trash can so no danger I’d change my mind and get them out.  Husband asked, where’s the jelly beans.  Why?  Husband has, in his room, two jars of candy, a bag of candy, a can of nuts, a jar of sugar pecans, and some hard candies.  And pretzels.

Why, I ask him do you care?  They are my jelly beans, even though I keep them in the kitchen.  I don’t keep food in my room.  Because, he says, I’ve been eating them at night with my pretzels.  . So I say, have you already eaten ALL your candy?  Nope.  

Did you throw them away, he asked.  Yes, cause I thought I was eating them too fast. But seems I wasn‘t, seems you were eating them.  Yup, but I shouldn’t, cause the stick to my dentures.  Sigh.  He’s right, he shouldn’t be eating my candy, but he’s wrong about the reason.

And he turns and walks away.  Goes into his room, and puts his dresser in front of his door so I can’t get into his room for two days cause he’s mad that I threw away my jelly beans.  I have to call him if I want something from him.  Or walk all the way around to the other side of the house, and go through the laundry room, and his bathroom, and then there is another door into his bedroom.

I swear, he’s five years old.  Do you want me to buy you some more jelly beans when I go to Costco?  Nope.  Grab some more pretzels though.  Sure.


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## win231 (May 6, 2020)

Since you're married, the jelly beans are not "yours;" they are Community Property.  So, you had absolutely no right to throw them away.


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

win231 said:


> Since you're married, the jelly beans are not "yours;" they are Community Property.  So, you had absolutely no right to throw them away.


I disagree.  He normally doesn’t eat jelly beans, he was eating them because they were mine.  He keeps his candy in his room so I can’t have any of it.  When we moved into this house we each got a cupboard for our private not to be shared food.  He filled his and then put his coffee, which he didn’t have room for, in my cupboard.  I don’t drink coffee.

He is terribly jealous of anything I have, it’s so strange.  He’s always been that way, and has gotten worst over the years.  Good thing I don’t wear dresses .


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## In The Sticks (May 6, 2020)

Bookmarked for the next time I get down for not remarrying. 

Don't take it personally...I've got lots of bookmarks scattered throughout the web for this purpose.
Top of the list are John Wayne and Lorena Bobbitt stories.


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

In The Sticks said:


> Bookmarked for the next time I get down for not remarrying.
> 
> Don't take it personally...I've got lots of bookmarks scattered throughout the web for this purpose.
> Top of the list are John Wayne and Lorena Bobbitt stories.


What?  You want to marry my husband?  Well, ok, I do live in Utah.


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## In The Sticks (May 6, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> What?  You want to marry my husband?  Well, ok, I do live in Utah.


Wait.

The state of Joseph Smith legalized alternative marriage???
How did _that_ happen?


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## Liberty (May 6, 2020)

Wow, I knew my hub and I were happily married for all these years, but now I've got a glimmer of just HOW happily married we are.  Maybe its because we don't have any jelly beans or pretzels in the house...lol.


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## In The Sticks (May 6, 2020)

Liberty said:


> Wow, I knew my hub and I were happily married for all these years, but now I've got a glimmer of just HOW happily married we are.  Maybe its because we don't have any jelly beans or pretzels in the house...lol.


When you have two portly people in the house and your favorite treat is called "Jelly Belly," it's just a fuse waiting to be lit.


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## Liberty (May 6, 2020)

In The Sticks said:


> When you have two portly people in the house and your favorite treat is called "Jelly Belly," it's just a fuse waiting to be lit.


I can certainly envision that now that you've penned such a wonderful "visual"...lol
Glad both hub and I love coffee!


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

In The Sticks said:


> Wait.
> 
> The state of Joseph Smith legalized alternative marriage???
> How did _that_ happen?


Yes, that state, and I am old, but not that old.  I never knew Joseph Smith, I am not LDS, and I grew up in Southern California, better known as Disneyland, where, I guess, you could also marry my husband, .


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

Liberty said:


> Wow, I knew my hub and I were happily married for all these years, but now I've got a glimmer of just HOW happily married we are.  Maybe its because we don't have any jelly beans or pretzels in the house...lol.


He can have the pretzels, but MY jelly beans, nope.


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## Liberty (May 6, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> He can have the pretzels, but MY jelly beans, nope.


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

Liberty said:


> I can certainly envision that now that you've penned such a wonderful "visual"...lol
> Glad both hub and I love coffee!


He’s portly.  I am not.  I am short for my weight.


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## Keesha (May 6, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> I disagree.  He normally doesn’t eat jelly beans, he was eating them because they were mine.  He keeps his candy in his room so I can’t have any of it.  When we moved into this house we each got a cupboard for our private not to be shared food.  He filled his and then put his coffee, which he didn’t have room for, in my cupboard.  I don’t drink coffee.
> 
> He is terribly jealous of anything I have, it’s so strange.  He’s always been that way, and has gotten worst over the years.  Good thing I don’t wear dresses .


What? You each have ‘own’ candy, pretzels, nuts in your ‘own’ cupboard and you fight over them?


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

Keesha said:


> What? You each have ‘own’ candy, pretzels, nuts in your ‘own’ cupboard and you fight over them?


No, you are confused.  He keeps HIS cereal in his cupboard.  I rarely eat cereal, but when we were in the apartment I didn’t feel like making oatmeal so I poured myself a bowl of his Frosted Flakes and said I am having a bowl of your cereal.  Is that ok?  

He said, why don’t you buy your own?  Obviously because I’m not currently in a grocery store.  And I poured the cereal back into the box.  We don’t fight over food.  We have shared food, and his food.  The jelly beans he would consider mine cause he doesn’t like them.

Until, he decided he couldn’t stand I had something that was “mine” so had to have them.  That’s what I am saying-he is getting stranger and stranger.  Had I known it was him eating them and not me I’d given them to him.  He swear s he doesn’t have food issues, but he does.

I could have some of the candy he has in his room but I don’t want it.  I even forget he has it.  But I’d have to tell him I am having some.  The jelly bean thing was odd.


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## Liberty (May 6, 2020)

I've always secretly admired married couples that could fight and still enjoy each other. Hub and I just can't fight efficiently, or productivelyit doesn't work for us, guess we've not been trained right.  No Italian blood on either side I guess...lol.


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## Keesha (May 6, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> When we moved into this house we each got a cupboard for our private not to be shared food.  He filled his and then put his coffee, which he didn’t have room for, in my cupboard.


According the the above paragraph you each have your own food cupboards. 

The jelly bean thing was odd?
You think? 

Funny though. My husband is the opposite. He lets me eat my candy and half his too. 
Not that I do . Ok not always. Lol


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

Liberty said:


> I've always secretly admired married couples that could fight and still enjoy each other. Hub and I just can't fight efficiently, or productivelyit doesn't work for us, guess we've not been trained right.  No Italian blood on either side I guess...lol.


It’s like living with Jekyll and Hyde.  He can be very nice when he wants to be, it’s just that he rarely wants to be.  The more he gets his way, though, the nicer he is.  So I just give in cause I really don’t care much anymore.


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

Keesha said:


> According the the above paragraph you each have your own food cupboards.
> 
> The jelly bean thing was odd?
> You think?
> ...


Yup, , odd even for him.  And yes, his ideal so he can protect his Frosted Flakes.  . I eat oatmeal and cream of wheat, absolutely no danger of him raiding my cupboard.


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## Keesha (May 6, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Yup, , odd even for him.  And yes, his ideal so he can protect his Frosted Flakes.  . I eat oatmeal and cream of wheat, absolutely no danger of him raiding my cupboard.


Yup! Not confused at all. lol


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

Keesha said:


> Yup! Not confused at all. lol


Try living with him, go ahead, try


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## Keesha (May 6, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Try living with him, go ahead, try


Nooooo thanks. I’ve got my own charming man at home. He’s not quite as unusual as yours though.For Christmas you should get him half a dozen bags of jelly beans .... since he likes them so much.


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## Knight (May 6, 2020)

Married? Sounds a lot more like two people living together to share expenses.We've never had his & hers separate anything. Didn't mean that to sound harsh it's just that we've been married 58 years. A lot of tough times & good in those years. But I truly have to say we are living the best life ever together 24/7 in retirement.

Your post helps me to remember how lucky we are.


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## C'est Moi (May 6, 2020)

Keesha said:


> According the the above paragraph you each have your own food cupboards.
> 
> The jelly bean thing was odd?
> You think?
> ...


Same here.  My husband will always leave the last of anything in case I want it.  There's a lonely blueberry muffin on the kitchen counter that he has been avoiding for a couple of days; I told him to go ahead and eat it.


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## Keesha (May 6, 2020)

C'est Moi said:


> Same here.  My husband will always leave the last of anything in case I want it.  There's a lonely blueberry muffin on the kitchen counter that he has been avoiding for a couple of days; I told him to go ahead and eat it.


Exactly. Yes I’m going to brag here but my man always puts me first and when I think he can’t be any more generous, he surprises me more. I’m one really lucky spoiled woman and I can’t relate to this separate cupboard stuff whatsoever. That sounds like the type of selfish games I played with my brothers when we were little kids. 

Reading Aneedas post just reminded me once more that my life is wonderful as is.


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## C'est Moi (May 6, 2020)

Keesha said:


> Exactly. Yes I’m going to brag here but my man always puts me first and when I think he can’t be any more generous, he surprises me more. I’m one really lucky spoiled woman and I can’t relate to this separate cupboard stuff whatsoever. That sounds like the type of selfish games I played with my brothers when we were little kids.
> 
> Reading *Aneedas post just reminded me once more that my life is wonderful as is*.


Agree.


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

Knight said:


> Married? Sounds a lot more like two people living together to share expenses.We've never had his & hers separate anything. Didn't mean that to sound harsh it's just that we've been married 58 years. A lot of tough times & good in those years. But I truly have to say we are living the best life ever together 24/7 in retirement.
> 
> Your post helps me to remember how lucky we are.


We have been married 48 plus years.  Lots of tough times.  Yes, early on I realized we were two people living together.  I tried to get him to realize this and was never able to.  I sought help and therapist wanted us to do marriage counseling.  They couldn’t understand it wasn’t a marriage.

It was him and a live in maid.  It just got more and more complicated.  You get stuck in a cycle and can’t leave because all your children are disabled, and disabled children require a mom who stays home.  You wake up one day and realize your stuck.  The children are out, but still disabled.

Then you are disabled.  He’s getting more and more odd.  You are still stuck.  And while I’d like to leave, where can I live on 800 a month?  When he’s nice and reasonable, it’s fine.  But, he’s odd.  Getting odder.  So I thought it’d be interesting to write about.


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## Pinky (May 6, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> We have been married 48 plus years.  Lots of tough times.  Yes, early on I realized we were two people living together.  I tried to get him to realize this and was never able to.  I sought help and therapist wanted us to do marriage counseling.  They couldn’t understand it wasn’t a marriage.
> 
> It was him and a live in maid.  It just got more and more complicated.  You get stuck in a cycle and can’t leave because all your children are disabled, and disabled children require a mom who stays home.  You wake up one day and realize your stuck.  The children are out, but still disabled.
> 
> Then you are disabled.  He’s getting more and more odd.  You are still stuck.  And while I’d like to leave, where can I live on 800 a month?  When he’s nice and reasonable, it’s fine.  But, he’s odd.  Getting odder.  So I thought it’d be interesting to write about.


You have a sense of humour about it, which seems to help you through.


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## sadie123 (May 6, 2020)

I find your story interesting and this is a great space to vent, if that helps you keep peace at home. I was sorry to hear about your recent wound. It sounds very painful.

Keep writing, I will keep reading.


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## Keesha (May 6, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> We have been married 48 plus years.  Lots of tough times.  Yes, early on I realized we were two people living together.  I tried to get him to realize this and was never able to.  I sought help and therapist wanted us to do marriage counseling.  They couldn’t understand it wasn’t a marriage.
> 
> It was him and a live in maid.  It just got more and more complicated.  You get stuck in a cycle and can’t leave because all your children are disabled, and disabled children require a mom who stays home.  You wake up one day and realize your stuck.  The children are out, but still disabled.
> 
> Then you are disabled.  He’s getting more and more odd.  You are still stuck.  And while I’d like to leave, where can I live on 800 a month?  When he’s nice and reasonable, it’s fine.  But, he’s odd.  Getting odder.  So I thought it’d be interesting to write about.


That’s tough. I didn’t recognize that you were just venting. If I were closer I’d pick you up in my car and we’d go some place fun where we’d laugh and share life experiences and eat ice cream and brownies. ( non medicated ones ) and jelly beans but they’d be gourmet ones 

Just out of curiosity. Who’s idea was it to have separate cupboards and why? Did one of you not trust the other with the food and treats?


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## treeguy64 (May 6, 2020)

I'd sooner live in a cave..... alone! What a terrible person to coexist with. You are a glutton for punishment, apparently. Money or no money, disability or fit as a fiddle, I would've been down the road, long ago.


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

Keesha said:


> That’s tough. I didn’t recognize that you were just venting. If I were closer I’d pick you up in my car and we’d go some place fun where we’d laugh and share life experiences and eat ice cream and brownies. ( non medicated ones ) and jelly beans but they’d be gourmet ones
> 
> Just out of curiosity. Who’s idea was it to have separate cupboards and why? Did one of you not trust the other with the food and treats?


His ideal, for his cereal.  Just like today, went to grocery store and wanted chicken.  They had baked and fried.  It’s cold chicken, I can’t eat the fried so I say let’s get the baked.  Nope, he says you buy baked for you and fried for me.  Oh Good God.  So two chickens for two people.  Sigh.

I tell him later I’m going to make chicken salad with most of mine.  Oh, good, use my dark meat as well.  He weighs 350 pounds.  He has food issues, apparently stemming from his childhood.  I don’t have issues, I just like to eat.  But, as we get older, his issues get worst not better.

And he swears he doesn’t have an over eating issue as he over eats.  This separate food thing drives me crazy.  It’s food, eat it, we can buy more.

On a side note, see, I told you we’d be friends if we lived closer.


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## Pecos (May 6, 2020)

treeguy64 said:


> I'd sooner live in a cave..... alone! What a terrible person to coexist with. You are a glutton for punishment, apparently. Money or no money, disability or fit as a fiddle, I would've been down the road, long ago.


I am with you on this one. I find this thread painful to read, yet I have met couples who were on a similar path. My heart breaks to think about the joys that they are missing.


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

Keesha said:


> Yes we would definitely be friends.
> 
> I’m going to try and word this the best I can and hope I don’t overstep my boundaries but we all have issues. If he’s 350 pounds and hoarding a cupboard full of junk food and demanding his own selective food and you are going along with it, then you are not only enabling him but teaching him that this behaviour is perfectly ok.
> 
> ...


Yes, in an ideal world that would be how it works, but it doesn’t.  I have no control over what he does.  He is a grown man.  I am not his mother.  But, yes, I now take the easy road.  He can do as he likes for the most part.  As long as I can do as I like as well.

Any attempt to “control” him results in emotional abuse.  Always has, always will.  It just is not worth it anymore.  It’s not a question of what is better, or who deserves better.  I am no great shakes myself.  I give as good as I get.

It’s a question of getting through what remains of my life in the best way possible for me.

His need to argue over ever little thing drives me crazy and I refused to do it.  i hold up my hand, tell him to stop, and refuse to listen or engage.  If he wants to eat himself to death that is his choice, I am not the food police.  If he wants me to leave his cereal alone fine.  But, the oddness of his behavior is, lol, odd.

As for me, do I have food issues, yes.   But I don’t over eat, ever.  Could not over eat if I wanted too.  I have a terrible weakness for sugar.  Not chocolate.  Just sweet.  I don’t eat well, there are so many foods I can’t eat.  A couple of months ago my doctor told me that I should probably switch to baby food.  It was time.  

OH MY Gosh, I refused.  She said the time was coming.  I have to face facts.  No, no I don’t.  The fact is, I am, as all of us are, dying.  Just doing it a bit faster perhaps than some others and I’d like to do it in peace.  Not concerned about why, all of a sudden, he has to eat jelly beans.  

As for the chicken, lol, it’s just an example of his continuing strangeness over food.  And no, I’m not buying and cooking a chicken.

Understanding anyones situation is impossible.  You are only hearing my side.

I eat mostly canned meats, digestible.  Hot dogs.  Very few veggies.  Eggs, cheese.  Too much bread.  Bread is a downfall.  Ice cream when my stomach hurts to much.  It is what it is.  No holding hands on the front porch sharing jelly beans.


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

treeguy64 said:


> I'd sooner live in a cave..... alone! What a terrible person to coexist with. You are a glutton for punishment, apparently. Money or no money, disability or fit as a fiddle, I would've been down the road, long ago.


That is what makes these forums so interesting, the judgements some people pronounce as if their lives were so very perfect.  As if they had any ideal what life could be like for a woman in the 60’s and 70’s and now.  Have you heard of the me too movement?  

Women put up with a lot.  He, my current husband is not a “terrible” person.  I am not a glutton for punishment.  I am no angel myself.  And you can’t just take off without money.  Disabled or no.  Grow a brain.

My first husband was a truly terrible person.  And down the road I went, disabled baby in tow.  Until he said, I just got transferred to Ma.  If you come back and go with, our son can go to Mayo Clinic.  Was there in a shot.  In a shot, treeguy64.  Cause my son just got a chance, and my first husband could beat me black and blue every dang day for that chance.

I went.  My/our son went to Mayo Hospital and got diagnosed with mixed cerebral palsy and other disabilities.  My son, who was never supposed to walk, learned to walk.  My son was adopted by my current husband who paid for all his medical treatments, and still helps him out.

My son later served in the US ARMY.  Relationships are complicated.


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## Aneeda72 (May 6, 2020)

Keesha said:


> Aneeda,
> Where in my thread did you see me mention , controlling him or being his food police? Where did I suggest you argue with him?
> 
> What I suggested was that you are enabling each others bad habits and bad treatment of each other and that it might be better if you helped each instead but if you aren’t interested in doing that, then ok.
> ...


Sigh.  I did not ask you to care.

No one has to read my posts or keep anything in mind when reading them.  In fact, I started this thread to try and gain some understanding of his odd behavior towards things lately.  I knew people would judge.  .  But I don’t know any of you.

We do not, at our age, enable each other‘s bad habits or good habits.  We are older adults and responsible for our own habits and behaviors.  Do we treat each other badly at times?  Yes.  Is it hard living with someone for over 48 years who has had PTSD?  Yup.  Has it become harder and harder.  Yup.

Combat vets are in a group all by themselves.  

I am glad for those of you who have found lovely lives in their old age.  But perhaps it is only because one person in the relationship has paid a high price for that loveliness.  I don’t know. Perhaps I should stop writing this thread.  Perhaps I will.


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## C'est Moi (May 6, 2020)

Aneeda, I'm sorry for your situation--you are brave to post it on an open forum for snipers, judgement and unsolicited advice.  Sorry if my previous post sounded "holier than thou," but it's hard for me to imagine your situation.  My husband is a kind person but he's not without quirks and neither am I.   No one is perfect.


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## Keesha (May 6, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Sigh.  I did not ask you to care.
> 
> Combat vets are in a group all by themselves.
> 
> I am glad for those of you who have found lovely lives in their old age.  But perhaps it is only because one person in the relationship has paid a high price for that loveliness.


Sigh! Missed this.

No you didn’t ask me to care. 
No you didn’t ask for a solution or any advice either 
No I didn’t know your husband was a combat vet with ptsd. 

We have a happy relationship with each other because we ‘both’ love and care for each other. 
It’s a mutually supportive relationship meaning NO one person paid a high price for the love ‘we’ share.


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## Aneeda72 (May 7, 2020)

Keesha said:


> Sigh! Missed this.
> 
> No you didn’t ask me to care.
> No you didn’t ask for a solution or any advice either
> ...


And that’s great.  We both love each other.  We both care for each other.  But what does that mean?  

Seriously, what does it mean?  Because if your husband always puts you first then he’s second.  Then the relationship is not equal.  What does your husband give up so you can be first? If you can’t live in my circumstances, as you’ve stated, and I hear you, and others saying this-you must be put first.  Second isn’t good enough for you or others. 

I am not being personal to you, Keesha.  I am seriously trying to figure something out.   Many  people have drawn lines in the sand, on relationships, on this site.  The, well, if my other person does that I’m out of here.  I’ll go live in a cave.  Yeah, sure you will.

Where do you hang the toilet paper in a cave?

My husband has always put himself first.  My husband, as a TEENAGER, an 18 year old, killed men, woman, and children.  In a war.  This continues to happen as my country, is always at war.  Virus or no virus.  My husband was taught to put himself first so he could survive.

The freedoms so many people on this site whine about lacking in this current crisis are guaranteed by him and others like him who face the virus while still responsible for protecting us and insuring their freedom to complain about their lack of their freedom cause they have to wear a mask.  Believe me, the people in the us military are not wearing masks.  Hard to site a rifle with a mask on.

I am trying to figure out if my husband is changing/evolving into a different person as happens with humans, having some kind of mental breakdown, or simply entering a new phrase of becoming even less aware that I exist.  Although I sometimes wonder as well if I exist.

I want an equal relationship.  I want to know why, after hating jelly beans for over 70 years, he suddenly has his hand in my jelly bean jar, which he doesn’t now because I threw it away. The jar,   not his hand. Sigh.


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## Judycat (May 7, 2020)

Aneeda my husband and I had a similar relationship. I was never one for romance so I put up with the oddness. You have someone who helps with your son. Most men wouldn't do that so the judgmental types can go fly a kite. My husband put me first when it was in his best interest to do so, I found this to be true of most people anyway. My Mr. No Neck who would claim the Dr.'s scale was wrong, bought the farm 7 years ago. Yes I missed his company, still do, but I am living better on his Survivor's benefits than we ever did throughout our marriage. Something to think about before tossing the old man away.


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## Aneeda72 (May 7, 2020)

Judycat said:


> Aneeda my husband and I had a similar relationship. I was never one for romance so I put up with the oddness. You have someone who helps with your son. Most men wouldn't do that so the judgmental types can go fly a kite. My husband put me first when it was in his best interest to do so, I found this to be true of most people anyway. My Mr. No Neck who would claim the Dr.'s scale was wrong, bought the farm 7 years ago. Yes I missed his company, still do, but I am living better on his Survivor's benefits than we ever did throughout our marriage. Something to think about before tossing the old man away.


Thanks, Judycat.  At this point I have no intention of leaving, it’s wishful thinking.  I am simply not capable of leaving which has more to do with me than him.  I want a better relationship for us and need to figure out what the heck the increased odd behavior is about.

He helps with all our children.  There has never been a problem with arguments over money.  While we never had much, he was always willing to work as hard as he could to get more, often two jobs.  I could spend the money anyway I wanted, still can.

But his increasing oddness is worrisome.


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## Ronni (May 7, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> And that’s great.  We both love each other.  We both care for each other.  But what does that mean?
> 
> Seriously, what does it mean?  Because if your husband always puts you first then he’s second.  Then the relationship is not equal.  What does your husband give up so you can be first? If you can’t live in my circumstances, as you’ve stated, and I hear you, and others saying this-you must be put first.  Second isn’t good enough for you or others.
> 
> I am not being personal to you, Keesha.  I am seriously trying to figure something out.   Many  people have drawn lines in the sand, on relationships, on this site.  The, well, if my other person does that I’m out of here.  I’ll go live in a cave.  Yeah, sure you will.



I have bottom lines as far as relationships go.  Deal breakers.  They're hard earned and hard won wisdom from my previous abusive marriage that have shaped the kind of relationship I aspire to and the only kind I will have.

I also understand compromise, the give and take of relationships, the fact that sometimes I'm first and sometimes Ron is, and that's OK.  Compromise.  Balance.  Relationships can't exist without them, and each relationship is going to look different within that framework.  What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa.  I try really hard to not judge other folks' relationships ... well, unless there's obvious abuse...then I'll speak up.

Until this most recent issue with Ron, we've never had a problem navigating that compromise and balance.  And even though I hate the current situation, I understand his choices and where it's put us, because he's also having to navigate his relationship with his daughter, and now he's trying to find balance and compromise with not just me, but with his daughter too, when she and I have completely opposite risk assessments, and when she is far more self-centered than either Ron or I. 



Aneeda72 said:


> He, my current husband is not a “terrible” person.  I am not a glutton for punishment.  I am no angel myself.  And you can’t just take off without money.  Disabled or no.  Grow a brain.
> 
> My first husband was a truly terrible person.  And down the road I went, disabled baby in tow.  Until he said, I just got transferred to Ma.  If you come back and go with, our son can go to Mayo Clinic.  Was there in a shot.  In a shot, treeguy64.  Cause my son just got a chance, and my first husband could beat me black and blue every dang day for that chance.



I completely get this.  <3  I completely understand putting up with all manner of wretchedness to give your kid a chance.



Aneeda72 said:


> Thanks, Judycat.  At this point I have no intention of leaving, it’s wishful thinking.  I am simply not capable of leaving which has more to do with me than him.  I want a better relationship for us and need to figure out what the heck the increased odd behavior is about.
> 
> He helps with all our children.  There has never been a problem with arguments over money.  While we never had much, he was always willing to work as hard as he could to get more, often two jobs.  I could spend the money anyway I wanted, still can.
> 
> But his increasing oddness is worrisome.



Yeah, no matter what your relationship looks like to outsiders, it's YOUR normal.  And so changes in behavior, things that have become atypical to your normal, that's worrisome.  There are the obvious guesses because you're both older...dementia, alzheimers, senility etc.   Is there any way to get him evaluated?


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## Sliverfox (May 7, 2020)

Aneeda ,, after reading  your  post, have you considered that your husband is in the first stage of Alzheimer?

In our family there has been  a lot of  Alzheimer,,  so  know a bit about it.

Am suggesting  if & when you see  a doctor  that you ask /talk  about  Alzhemier.
It is a terrible diesease,, turns  person from Mr.Nice Guy to bogey man.


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## Aneeda72 (May 7, 2020)

Thanks Ronni, and some of the things you mentioned were my first thoughts as well.  

I thought long and hard on how to approach him.  Since he more and more often said his memory was a problem, even though I didn’t believe this, I decided to agree.  Yup you have memory problems.  I asked him to do memory testing.  He agreed.

I won’t go into the really fine details, but I was right on ever single issue on his problems.  He was wrong.  Which doesn’t matter except to point out to him, after so many years of marriage, I did understand who he was.  He would say, you don’t understand.  Oh, yes, I do.

His memory is far better than most people of his age, the testing showed that.  He’s not forgetting to do stuff.  He is oppositional, testing showed that.  He has NO memory problems.   Except forgetting that I exist as a separate person.  It’s hard to explain.

Testing showed he has anger issues, needed therapy, and medication.  Plus other stuff, there is always other stuff.  The testing doctor told me, when he left the room to go potty, to be very very careful in how you approach him.  Yup, like I haven’t figured that out.

The testing doctor sent him to a psychiatrist for therapy and medication.  He says he went.  He says he talked to him for a couple of hours.  He says that the doctor decided NOT to charge him for the session.  Yup, I looked for that bill.  It never came in.  Just like before when he saw a psychologist, who never charged him.  Lucky guy.

Course, he didn’t go.

And here it is.  This is an increasing angry person who is acting oddly.  And if having large amounts of food and candy keeps a Vietnam combat marine vet who needs therapy and medication happy, then yes, I will make sure he has all the jelly beans in the world.  I will ENABLE his eating. I admit it.

While still trying to figure out what the problem is.  But I won’t go live in a cave.  Honestly, I have found toilet paper to be extremely necessary to my well being and continued mental health.  Cave living, not so much.


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## Aneeda72 (May 7, 2020)

Sliverfox said:


> Aneeda ,, after reading  your  post, have you considered that your husband is in the first stage of Alzheimer?
> 
> In our family there has been  a lot of  Alzheimer,,  so  know a bit about it.
> 
> ...


Both his grandparents had Alzheimer’s, was my first thought when he announced, about 5 years ago, that instead of calling him by a nickname he had used since he was 18, he now wanted to be called by his given name.

Everyone who knew him refused to do this.  Everyone wanted to know why the switch.  He had no answer.


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## Ronni (May 7, 2020)

@Aneeda72 a question if you don't consider it too intrusive.

Are you afraid of your husband?  Beginning to be afraid for your safety? Afraid he might do something....irrational?  Sabotage you in some way?  I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I understand gut feelings and red flags.  There are changes that are weird but not threatening, and then there are changes that may seem slight to others, but you know the person so they are scary, or outright terrifying to you.  

Is there anything like that going on?


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## Buckeye (May 7, 2020)

{shrug} Different strokes, and all that.  Once worked with a youngish man who came to the office with a big bruise on his face.  He and the wife had gotten into a major knock down, drag out fist fight over who got to smoke the last cigarette.


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## Aneeda72 (May 7, 2020)

Ronni said:


> @Aneeda72 a question if you don't consider it too intrusive.
> 
> Are you afraid of your husband?  Beginning to be afraid for your safety? Afraid he might do something....irrational?  Sabotage you in some way?  I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I understand gut feelings and red flags.  There are changes that are weird but not threatening, and then there are changes that may seem slight to others, but you know the person so they are scary, or outright terrifying to you.
> 
> Is there anything like that going on?


Hmm, he has sabotaged me in the past to make himself look better, but the need for that kind of activity is long gone.  As you get older and family and friends fade away, for various reasons, and sabotage goes away.  No one around to look better for.  We just moved and then the virus hit.

When he started changing, about five years ago, with the name thing, there were issues.  What’s interesting is my little guy, with DS, notices the changes as well.  He will tell his dad not to speak to me that way, to respect me, she’s your wife, be nice, etc.  Disabled people get a lot of input on how to conduct relationships.

So that’s another change, Ronni, he’s become more public with his comments which have made me more public with mine.  I am very reactive.  OMGosh, we are becoming THOSE people.  .  But I made it very clear, before we married that I had been a punching bag once, wasn’t being one again.

Afraid, no.  Uncomfortable at times, I think so.  Hard to explain.  He’s more withdrawn and seems more and more distance, which causes him to be more and more angry.  Which makes him give more and more excuses for his behavior, and those excuses make less and less sense.

And again, it takes two.  I am no angel.  But at our age, after so many years, it makes no sense to divorce, especially for me.  While I am interested in improving things, he’s not.  He just seems to get more and more resentful and odd.


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## gennie (May 7, 2020)

Do I sense a little passive-aggressive going on here?


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## Aneeda72 (May 7, 2020)

gennie said:


> Do I sense a little passive-aggressive going on here?


Yup.


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## Sunny (May 7, 2020)

Thanks for the laugh(s), Aneeda!  You are a marveous writer!

And I especially like your phrase "I'm short for my weight."  I'll have to remember that one!


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## Aneeda72 (May 7, 2020)

Sunny said:


> Thanks for the laugh(s), Aneeda!  You are a marveous writer!
> 
> And I especially like your phrase "I'm short for my weight."  I'll have to remember that one!


Thanks and I am short, getting shorter all the time.  Who knew first you grew up and then you sink down.


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## twinkles (May 7, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> I disagree.  He normally doesn’t eat jelly beans, he was eating them because they were mine.  He keeps his candy in his room so I can’t have any of it.  When we moved into this house we each got a cupboard for our private not to be shared food.  He filled his and then put his coffee, which he didn’t have room for, in my cupboard.  I don’t drink coffee.
> 
> He is terribly jealous of anything I have, it’s so strange.  He’s always been that way, and has gotten worst over the years.  Good thing I don’t wear dresses .


you thru the wrong thing away lol


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## Knight (May 7, 2020)

Aneeda72

The continuing explanations helps me understand the why of your hanging on. Adapting to a life situation that works for you is all that matters. Like others I'm seeing the humor you put into your posts & is good to read. I hope you are able to keep the kind of uplifting spirit you show in your posts.


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## Keesha (May 7, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> And that’s great.  We both love each other.  We both care for each other.  But what does that mean?
> 
> Seriously, what does it mean?  Because if your husband always puts you first then he’s second.  Then the relationship is not equal.  What does your husband give up so you can be first? If you can’t live in my circumstances, as you’ve stated, and I hear you, and others saying this-you must be put first.  Second isn’t good enough for you or others.
> 
> ...


The conversation was about food. You said you had your own cupboards of food, which you then denied and I said I can’t relate to that because my husband always puts me first which doesn’t mean he always comes second because I always put him first also. That’s where the ‘mutual loving relationship comes in so nobody ever plays second fiddle and while I’m not as old as you, I’ve never in my life considered this a bad thing nor have I ever heard any other couples with mutually loving relationships suggest otherwise either. You are the first person I’ve ever met in my life who considers a mutual loving relationship a bad thing. 

I’ve never demanded to be put first nor has he ever demanded to be put first. That’s just the way a mutually loving relationship is. Not once did I suggest leaving. Not once did I suggest you live in a cave. Once again, we were discussing food since that’s what ‘this’ particular argument was about. 

That’s all I touched on. It’s only now that you’ve brought up the fact that your husband has ptsd that he suffers from. This wasn’t mentioned before and not once have I ever whined and complained about my lack of freedom or that I have to wear a mask. For the record I haven’t once whined and complained about the virus or pandemic. Another topic you’ve thrown in. Once again, our conversation was about ‘food,’ but since it was brought up, I’ll have you know that my man served in the military  for years also and I most certainly don’t take my freedoms for granted. 

My conversation with you was about food. That’s all I was discussing. These other topics you brought up after the fact. Your last paragraph you state you want an equal relationship. Well that’s what my husband and I have. That’s what most couples want which is what I was discussing with you; even said you deserved it , which got taken as a bad thing.  

I refuse to feel bad for having a mutually loving relationship with my spouse where we are viewed as equal. Its what you are longing for and I wish you the best in achieving it but have no suggestions how to reach that.


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## Aneeda72 (May 7, 2020)

Keesha said:


> The conversation was about food. You said you had your own cupboards of food, which you then denied and I said I can’t relate to that because my husband always puts me first which doesn’t mean he always comes second because I always put him first also. That’s where the ‘mutual loving relationship comes in so nobody ever plays second fiddle and while I’m not as old as you, I’ve never in my life considered this a bad thing nor have I ever heard any other couples with mutually loving relationships suggest otherwise either. You are the first person I’ve ever met in my life who considers a mutual loving relationship a bad thing.
> 
> I’ve never demanded to be put first nor has he ever demanded to be put first. That’s just the way a mutually loving relationship is. Not once did I suggest leaving. Not once did I suggest you live in a cave. Once again, we were discussing food since that’s what ‘this’ particular argument was about.
> 
> ...


Keesha I am not just responding to you.  I said that.  Why would you think I was just responding to you when other people wrote other things.  Since you read the posts, I guessed you would notice this.  

No place did I say I thought a mutually loving relationship was bad.  Nor did I say I wanted that type of relationship.  In fact I think I said I didn’t even know what you meant by that.  I still don’t.  You and I have two different types of marriages.  We can not compare them!  Mine involves 4 disabled now adult children.

The experiences I’ve had and the stresses in my marriage are completely unknown to you.  You don’t have children.  You don’t have disabled children.  You don’t have 3 children that died, one that was found in his crib, early in the morning, by his dad, my husband.   And the thread is about my husbands odd behavior which involves food issues.  

Children change a marriage and the people in it.  It divides the loyalty of oldest adults.  Thus Ronni’s and Ron”s issues.  They love each other deeply and are trying to figure it out.  Just because “love” is involved, that doesn’t mean a relationship can be successful.  


As for military service, yup, I was in the army as well.  But I didn’t slog through a jungle and try to kill someone who was trying to kill me.  I tried to kill my typewriter, but they didn’t let me have a gun.  .

It’s not about you.  

I was making a point that my current husband was not a terrible person.  That has nothing to do with your husband, and in fact, since you are in Canada and I’m in the US nothing I wrote effects anything your husband has ever done.  I never brought your husband up.  Why did you?


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## Keesha (May 7, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Keesha I am not just responding to you.  I said that.  Why would you think I was just responding to you when other people wrote other things.  Since you read the posts, I guessed you would notice this.
> 
> No place did I say I thought a mutually loving relationship was bad.  Nor did I say I wanted that type of relationship.  In fact I think I said I didn’t even know what you meant by that.  I still don’t.  You and I have two different types of marriages.  We can not compare them!  Mine involves 4 disabled now adult children.
> 
> ...


I responded directly to what you were discussing.The first part was about the separate food cupboards which you wrote about. When I brought it up you told me I was confused however I showed you the post. 

I wrote that I can’t relate to that. Clearly not a smart thing to say so yes I brought my husband into it because he is my significant other. You criticized the relationship saying that if someone puts me first then that person is always second so I stated that in a mutually loving relationship each person puts the other person first so how can that be unfair. 

Now you come back with why I even mentioned my husband. It’s because of the post you wrote below. You DID bring it up. That part I’m not confused about. 

The only thing I first wrote about was about the food which I regret talking about. The only reference I can think about is from my own life experience and the relationship I’m in. That doesn’t mean the relationship is perfect and without fault or that we don’t fight and bicker at times. We do. 

That was my attempt to try and connect with you to the best of my ability. No I haven’t had children. No I haven’t had to deal with disabled children. No I haven’t had to deal with a man suffering from ptsd. All I was commenting on with the food thing, not all the other stuff. I never said ‘you’ should come first. My main message was to work it out amongst you. Maybe make a chicken dinner together. You didn’t like that suggestion either.  How about white cake? 

I’m not good at connecting with others. Never have been but I still try. My intention wasn’t to belittle you or make you feel bad . My intention was to offer support but I’m clearly not good at that either. Like yourself I have my own issues and unfortunately these issues interfere with proper communication so on that note I’ll end trying to do this communication thing. 

Take care Aneeda.   


Aneeda72 said:


> Seriously, what does it mean?  Because if your husband always puts you first then he’s second.  Then the relationship is not equal.  What does your husband give up so you can be first? If you can’t live in my circumstances, as you’ve stated, and I hear you, and others saying this-you must be put first.  Second isn’t good enough for you or others.
> 
> I am not being personal to you, Keesha.  I am seriously trying to figure something out.


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## Ronni (May 7, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Hmm, he has sabotaged me in the past to make himself look better, but the need for that kind of activity is long gone.  As you get older and family and friends fade away, for various reasons, and sabotage goes away.  No one around to look better for.  We just moved and then the virus hit.
> 
> When he started changing, about five years ago, with the name thing, there were issues.  What’s interesting is my little guy, with DS, notices the changes as well.  He will tell his dad not to speak to me that way, to respect me, she’s your wife, be nice, etc.  Disabled people get a lot of input on how to conduct relationships.
> 
> So that’s another change, Ronni, he’s become more public with his comments which have made me more public with mine.  I am very reactive.  OMGosh, we are becoming THOSE people.  .  But I made it very clear, before we married that I had been a punching bag once, wasn’t being one again.



One of my favorite sayings is "Don't let your reaction become your response."  From what you've related here, it sounds like you don't do that...you don't respond just from reactivity.  Because of my own past, I am very supportive of people who refuse to be punching bags.  I was one too.  I won't do that any more, and so sometimes my responses are more aggressive or challenging than would be considered normal.

But see, notice I said responses, because they are responses and NOT reactions. Even if they're a bit aggressive, they're still responses. My reactions might be out the frigging roof, but I most always recognize that I've been triggered and so I just won't respond till I'm a little more balanced.  MY go-to is "I'm not going to have this conversation right now" which is code for STOP TALKING OR I WILL EXPLODE!  I only had to explain that to Ron once thankfully.  He is good at giving me space when I need it.

Sorry...wasn't meaning to make this about me.  My point is that just because you respond aggressively (I don't know if you are or not,) it doesn't mean you're being reactive.  You may be in complete control of your response, it's just a harsh one because that's what you feel the situation calls for.



> Afraid, no.  Uncomfortable at times, I think so.  Hard to explain.  He’s more withdrawn and seems more and more distance, which causes him to be more and more angry.  Which makes him give more and more excuses for his behavior, and those excuses make less and less sense.
> 
> And again, it takes two.  I am no angel.  But at our age, after so many years, it makes no sense to divorce, especially for me.  While I am interested in improving things, he’s not.  He just seems to get more and more resentful and odd.



OK, so not afraid, just uncomfortable.  That's still a red flag, y'know?  Or at least a very pink one.  He's gotten worse in the last 5 years, by your statement, there is some kind of change, behavioral or personality-wise, even your son has noticed it so you know it's not just you.

I don't know what resources you have available to you, but I would encourage you to give this some serious thought and see what is available to you in terms of .... I'm not even sure what?  I guess encouraging him to get some kind of new evaluation, get him to see a doctor for an exam (potential physical causes for his changed behavior) or at least to get a sense of what other options may be available to you.

He's escalating Aneeda.  That much is obvious.  I worry for you, and for the child(ren?) you have living with you.


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## Liberty (May 7, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Yes, in an ideal world that would be how it works, but it doesn’t.  I have no control over what he does.  He is a grown man.  I am not his mother.  But, yes, I now take the easy road.  He can do as he likes for the most part.  As long as I can do as I like as well.
> 
> Any attempt to “control” him results in emotional abuse.  Always has, always will.  It just is not worth it anymore.  It’s not a question of what is better, or who deserves better.  I am no great shakes myself.  I give as good as I get.
> 
> ...


A friend of ours used to tell her husband (also a friend) "If you want to argue you right ahead and look up your ex-wife, as this Texas gal you're married to now don't argue!"...lol.


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## Aneeda72 (May 7, 2020)

Ronni said:


> One of my favorite sayings is "Don't let your reaction become your response."  From what you've related here, it sounds like you don't do that...you don't respond just from reactivity.  Because of my own past, I am very supportive of people who refuse to be punching bags.  I was one too.  I won't do that any more, and so sometimes my responses are more aggressive or challenging than would be considered normal.
> 
> But see, notice I said responses, because they are responses and NOT reactions. Even if they're a bit aggressive, they're still responses. My reactions might be out the frigging roof, but I most always recognize that I've been triggered and so I just won't respond till I'm a little more balanced.  MY go-to is "I'm not going to have this conversation right now" which is code for STOP TALKING OR I WILL EXPLODE!  I only had to explain that to Ron once thankfully.  He is good at giving me space when I need it.
> 
> ...


Just us at home now.

Yup, whatever is wrong is escalating, but I talked to his doctor about it, to my doctor, did the testing, so I just watch, give him his space, and agree as much as possible with what he wants.  Nothing else I can do.


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## Aneeda72 (Aug 23, 2020)

I have asked to have this thread moved here, and it was, so thanks to the moderator.

I was writing something, on another thread, and realized the person had totally misunderstood what I wrote.  I decided I would vent her about my husband, and keep track of his oddness here as well.  Also, make some clarifications, for anyone reading this thread.

For the first time, I am going to request that people keep their negative unhelpful responses to themselves.  Helpful responses are, of course, welcome.  Why am I willing to share this information?  

While most people here seem to have perfect marriage, some don’t.  Or maybe someone has a friend of relative whose husband is “loosing it”, or maybe, like me, there a way to measure what is normal behavior and what it getting out of hand.

Husband and I have been married over 48 years.  I love my husband.  Our relationship has become very complicated.  Honestly, I often can’t stand to be around him because of the way he treats me.  I often dislike him greatly because of the way he treats me.

I often say I stay because I can’t afford a divorce.  I stay for his money, his paycheck, as I have only 800 a month from social security.  It amazes me that no one realizes that also I stay because leaving would not only make me extremely poor, but it would make him poor.  

He does not want me to leave for a variety of reasons.  Money, of course, is only part of the issue, but it’s an important part.  By staying, we both can maintain a decent standard level of living.  He is, mentally ill, and dealing with his declining behavior is hard.  I begin to think while it is not Alzheimer’s, it is certainly some kind of dementia.

But, I have hit on a new plan and have started it today.  We shall see.  So far he does not like it, and he’s a bit angry, but too darn bad.  It does seem to be working though.


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## Aunt Marg (Aug 23, 2020)

Hugs to you, Aneeda.

I don't envy the situation you're in, but I commend you for sticking it out, and your husband needs you more than anything now.

In all my days, I've never met any couple that shared a perfect marriage, and my marriage is no different. I see nothing as ever being perfect.

I also know what it's like to be tight financially, though since we paid our mortgage off, life has become much easier.


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## sadie123 (Aug 23, 2020)

Aneeda

I see that you have a complicated life.  I am sure you are doing your best to make correct choices for you and your family.  Best of luck!


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## Judycat (Aug 23, 2020)

I noticed a decline in my husband's behavior after he was put on a highest dose of anti-cholesterol medication. He became odd to the point that I didn't know either whether I could stand to live with him much longer. Having him go off the medication was out of the question according to the doctors. He wasn't wrapped too tight to begin with, but he was definitely more paranoid on that stuff. Ah what can ya do. I know. I know.


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## Ronni (Aug 23, 2020)

You mentioned you had a new plan that he’s not real pleased about but too bad. Can you elaborate on that a little bit?


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## Aneeda72 (Aug 23, 2020)

Sure, Ronnie.  But first how I deal with a major issue.

It is hard for anyone to understand how complicated my husband is and how hard it is to explain.  He is a pathological liar.  This is part of the issue.  I was many years into the marriage before I realized this.  He always must be right, and you must always believe he is right.  Because he is always right.  Plus he likes to play mind games, and he likes to upset me.

This, needing to be right, led to a great many arguments as I tried to force him to see that not only was he lying to me, but he was wrong.  Caused a great deal of heartache for me, and frustration, and I got no where.  Then, one day we went to Subway.

One of the days I could not walk much so he went in.  He brought the sandwiches out, I took mine, and it had no mustard.  Now, he always jokes that I like a little hog dog with my mustard.  He knows I want mustard on a sandwich.  i always remind him, get mustard.

No mustard.  Why no mustard, I ask.  They were out, he says.    I know they are not out.  So I say, why are you lying?  They can not be out of mustard.  Yes, they are out.    Then he elaborated, they ran out, they don’t get any in, and they can’t spare the time to go anywhere and get some.

He just digs himself deeper and deeper.  Finally, when he’s done I say, the store is right next to a grocery store.  You are telling me that someone can not go next door to the grocery store and buy mustard.  Yes, he says.

Hmm.

So I say to him, if I go I to the subway and ask for mustard will they still be out. No, he says.  Try having conversations, like this, a billion plus times.  Try going in the store, getting the mustard, bringing it out, showing it to him, and having him saying “oh, good, they found some, cause they didn’t have any when I was there“.   

How do I live with his never ending lies, not very well, still.  But now, when he starts, I tell him to shut up, or don't start, or I repeat the many excuses that he gives, for not doing something, until he shuts up.  Now when he starts his whining that I don’t understand and I never believe him, and I never listen to him and why don’t I believe him.

I tell him, I listen, and I don’t believe you, cause you lie.  You are lying now.  Every now and then I end up in a back and forth, but not very often.  I’m just, your lying, end of conversation.


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## Pepper (Aug 23, 2020)

I never read this thread before and now have read only this page.  Re:  mustard---wow, he's so hostile.


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## Aneeda72 (Aug 23, 2020)

So when I ask him to do something his responses for not getting it done are:  I didn’t hear you (his number one lie); I did not understand what you said; I missed hearing-the critical word, I will do that after I do this.  Course he doesn’t.  And a million other excuses.  

Yesterday, I told him to put a board in a certain place on the yard.  Took him out, showed him where I wanted it, made sure he knew exactly what I wanted.  This morning I look out the window, and he has started work in the wrong place and destroyed 3 hours of the work I did in the garden yesterday.  Told him to just go in the house, just go.

And yes, he was aware of my project, he watched me do it.  I throughly explained it to him yesterday.  I am trying to prevent water draining onto the sidewalk and still seeing that my baby $6 Russian sage still gets water.  I asked him why he was destroying 3 hours of my work.

His reply, Oh, don’t you want it here?  Games he loves to play games.

So, in order to make sure he hears me, and he does have a SLIGHT hearing loss, I am having  him stand 2/3 feet in front of me when we talk.  I notice he often turns away from me when I talk.  In fact, sometimes he will turn around and walk away.  As if I finished, and I have not.

I have seen him, lately, do this with other people as well.  Clearly, it’s a focus problem or cognitive problem.  Today, when I was talking to him, if he turned his head away, or looked down, or presented any type of avoidance behavior, I cupped my hand under his chin and gently got his attention back to me and the conversation again.  (As I used to do with my DS son when he was young.)

When we were done, I asked him if he had any questions.  This treatment has made him angry, but it’s less frustrating for me so there you go.

Next, if I ask him to do something he puts it off, which means I nag nag nag and it still never gets done.  His excuse, I forgot.  Testing showed his memory is extremely good.  I’ve decided that when I want him to do something he will do it right then while I watch.  This also makes him angry and results in a lot of “dirty” childish looks.  But i get those looks anyway.

When I asked him to go to the store, I made a list of what we needed, he asked did I want a drying rack for the dishes.  Game playing.  He wants to set me off because he knows the dryer is broken.  He knows he could not put together the drying rack I got from amazon yesterday.

He knows we went to kohl’s and returned the rack.  (I learned how to download an app, scan the return code from amazon, and delete the app before I got charged for the app.  YAY, me,.). So he knows I want a clothes rack not a dish rack.  But I merely took the list, wrote for clothes, and handed it back.

My doctor has said repeatedly, I need to learn how to deal with him, cause he’s never changing-at least not for the better.  It’s a lot of work on my part, time will tell if I can keep it up.


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## Aneeda72 (Aug 23, 2020)

Pepper said:


> I never read this thread before and now have read only this page.  Re:  mustard---wow, he's so hostile.


Yup, that’s what the testing I made him  do a couple of years ago showed.


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## jerry old (Aug 23, 2020)

Hum, if there are any firearms in the home, get rid of them.


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## Treacle (Aug 23, 2020)

@Aneeda72
I have lived with someone for 15years. It has not been an easy realationship because of his temper/anger etc. He was sent to boarding school and I think he felt rejected by his mother who attempted to make up for it in later life but when she met me she said 'I thought I'd handed him over to you' (He was 43 plus then). I think she hoped he would eventually make something of his life. There is Alzheimers in the family, his uncle and mother had the 'disease'. He has mood changes and I report back to my friend to let her know that we are in 'normal' phase or I will phone her if he goes into one of his 'outbursts' which would not make any sense to others.  My friend is my monitor in case something seriously goes wrong. I am stuck financially, but there is a part of me that does actually care for him despite what he has done to me. It is his house and,he often tells me he wants me to go and when I say i'm going he doesn't like it. I have developed a coping strategy by staying out of his way when he's 'in one'. I believe the Alzheimers is starting to show itself. He does forget things ( we all do that) but the mood swings are greater, decision making fluctuates, he says one thing and then changes him mind and then changes again. He also says I have said things to him which I clearly did not. The point is  Aneeda look to yourself to find a strategy to cope. I hope I am not seeming  unconnected emotionally , but I think I am dealing with something similar and I would say in my case it is the start of Alzheimers / Dementia'. Try to  find a way *YOU *can cope - it's not easy.  Don't know if I'm making sense.  Bless you and Take good care of *Yourself.*


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## PamfromTx (Aug 23, 2020)

@Aneeda72


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## Aneeda72 (Aug 23, 2020)

jerry old said:


> Hum, if there are any firearms in the home, get rid of them.


Nope and a few years back I made him get rid of the bayonet (huge knife) from his marine corps days.  I saw him getting worst and I’m not stupid.


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## Aneeda72 (Aug 23, 2020)

Treacle said:


> @Aneeda72
> I have lived with someone for 15years. It has not been an easy realationship because of his temper/anger etc. He was sent to boarding school and I think he felt rejected by his mother who attempted to make up for it in later life but when she met me she said 'I thought I'd handed him over to you' (He was 43 plus then). I think she hoped he would eventually make something of his life. There is Alzheimers in the family, his uncle and mother had the 'disease'. He has mood changes and I report back to my friend to let her know that we are in 'normal' phase or I will phone her if he goes into one of his 'outbursts' which would not make any sense to others.  My friend is my monitor in case something seriously goes wrong. I am stuck financially, but there is a part of me that does actually care for him despite what he has done to me. It is his house and,he often tells me he wants me to go and when I say i'm going he doesn't like it. I have developed a coping strategy by staying out of his way when he's 'in one'. I believe the Alzheimers is starting to show itself. He does forget things ( we all do that) but the mood swings are greater, decision making fluctuates, he says one thing and then changes him mind and then changes again. He also says I have said things to him which I clearly did not. The point is  Aneeda look to yourself to find a strategy to cope. I hope I am not seeming  unconnected emotionally , but I think I am dealing with something similar and I would say in my case it is the start of Alzheimers / Dementia'. Try to  find a way *YOU *can cope - it's not easy.  Don't know if I'm making sense.  Bless you and Take good care of *Yourself.*


You are making sense to me, seems we might be in the same place emotionally.   Thanks for sharing.  Both his grandparents on his mother’s side had Alzheimer’s.  His MRI showed brain shrinkage.  I, too, despite what the doctors say realize it’s some kind of dementia coupled with PTSD and childhood trauma.

Unless he really looses it I am physically safe, but the emotional abuse is hard, and I am no shrinking violet.  I can give back which I am always ashamed of doing.  Lately, I’ve started asking him if he would like me to start at days one and work by way forward with what I think of HIS behaviors.  Trying to clean up my responses to his crap.

No, he says.

While I never start things, when provoked, I get very ugly.  I am getting better at not being this way.  It is not productive, and I apologize.  He never apologizes, after all being right all the time means you never have to apologize cause you have nothing to apologize for.


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## Treacle (Aug 23, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> You are making sense to me, seems we might be in the same place emotionally.   Thanks for sharing.  Both his grandparents on his mother’s side had Alzheimer’s.  His MRI showed brain shrinkage.  I, too, despite what the doctors say realize it’s some kind of dementia coupled with PTSD and childhood trauma.
> 
> Unless he really looses it I am physically safe, but the emotional abuse is hard, and I am no shrinking violet.  I can give back which I am always ashamed of doing.  Lately, I’ve started asking him if he would like me to start at days one and work by way forward with what I think of HIS behaviors.  Trying to clean up my responses to his crap.
> 
> ...


With you @Aneeda72  - he will never apologise  'cos he believes he is right- never ever heard a sorry/or an apology. I've also had abuse  in various forms and friends have worried.  For me I am convinced , apart from his background, childhood trauma,  fall when he was 21 and very drunk , causing him to be unconscious ( but no brain scan done), he is now suffering from the onset of 'dementia' or Alzheimers.  Sometimes their behaviour make us  'ugly' Fortunately I have a few friends who know me from the past and know that is not my way and I am dealing in difficult circumstances, but Aneeda don't know if this might sound stupid but I've had a difficult past and what I choose to believe is that 'the external force |(some say God) puts us in a position for a reason despite how difficult it is for us to understand. But from that we move forward. Just saying.  ☺ Take good care


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## hollydolly (Aug 23, 2020)

Pepper said:


> I never read this thread before and now have read only this page.  Re:  mustard---wow, he's so hostile.


Maximum Passive aggression


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## Ronni (Aug 23, 2020)

Aneeda, without quoting various things you've said, there are some distinct similarities between the mindset you have regarding your husband, and the counseling, and particularly the 12 step work I did, when my son was dealing with his addiction.  

His addiction was out of my control. The 3 C's of addiction became my mantra, my salvation, and my best friend.  

I didn't cause it
I can't cure it
I can't control it.  

The same can be said of your husband's behavior.  

It was only after I began to focus on myself, on my response or lack of to my son's addiction, on my acceptance of the fact that there was nothing I could do to cure or control it (because 15 years of trying hadn't convinced me of that already! ) that I began to recover myself, even though at that time he was still using.  

It seems to me that you're doing very similar.  You can't change or control the way he behaves for the most part.  Only he can do that, if he chooses, and he doesn't want to, or is incapable of it.  Either way, the outcome is the same. But what you CAN control is the way you react and/or respond.  And that's what you're focusing on.  

And that is a very healthy thing to do!  Kudos!


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## Aneeda72 (Aug 23, 2020)

Treacle said:


> With you @Aneeda72  - he will never apologise  'cos he believes he is right- never ever heard a sorry/or an apology. I've also had abuse  in various forms and friends have worried.  For me I am convinced , apart from his background, childhood trauma,  fall when he was 21 and very drunk , causing him to be unconscious ( but no brain scan done), he is now suffering from the onset of 'dementia' or Alzheimers.  Sometimes their behaviour make us  'ugly' Fortunately I have a few friends who know me from the past and know that is not my way and I am dealing in difficult circumstances, but Aneeda don't know if this might sound stupid but I've had a difficult past and what I choose to believe is that 'the external force |(some say God) puts us in a position for a reason despite how difficult it is for us to understand. But from that we move forward. Just saying.  ☺ Take good care


I agree, and it does not sound stupid.


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## Dolly (Aug 25, 2020)

We've been married 45 years this year and are still as happy as the day we married. We've been through having an autistic and epileptic child and her sudden death at age 32. Redundancies and illness and we've got through it., Yes, we both realize how lucky we are. Mind you, there are still times I could murder him. Take a few Easters ago when I had made umpteen vol au vents for a street  party. I only asked him to do one thing: Nip to the supermarket and get a bunch of fresh parsley to decorate the tray they were on. He came back with a pound of Clover margarine


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 8, 2020)

Today my husband said, “it looks great”. What?  Yup, those words came out, of his mouth.  We removed a cement pad, put the cement in a place that we removed dirt.  Then put the dirt on the cement, put wood to hold the cement and dirt, like a raised garden, then put big chunks of cement in the back.

And set flowers pots in the front.  He took two weeks vacation to work on the back yard.  We had to get that pad up before winter.  He started working on it Saturday.  Hasn’t complained once.  In the last four weeks, he’s only said one nasty thing to me.  WOW, this he how he used to be, always.  So Nice.

And while he was unsure about my ideal, it has turned out great.  Castle rock will be delivered Saturday to put in front of the wood, then another garden created in front of the raised garden for Tulips.

Currently he is putting large chunks of cement in the garden as a border in front of the fruit vines.  Wow, just wow.  Hopefully his mood last a very long time!


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## Damaged Goods (Nov 28, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> I have jelly beans, my ER supply for when I’m really stressed.  Like all of us I am more stressed than usual, so I’ve been eating more jelly beans.  Wow, I didn’t realize I had eaten half a jar so quick.  I decided enough is enough and threw the rest of them away.
> 
> I emptied the jar into the trash can so no danger I’d change my mind and get them out.  Husband asked, where’s the jelly beans.  Why?  Husband has, in his room, two jars of candy, a bag of candy, a can of nuts, a jar of sugar pecans, and some hard candies.  And pretzels.
> 
> ...


Two unhappy elderly people or two teenaged siblings fighting over a cache of goodies?


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## DaveA (Nov 28, 2020)

Aneeda stated;
  - - -"Good thing I don’t wear dresses "

Maybe now it's the time to start!!


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## Aneeda72 (Nov 29, 2020)

Damaged Goods said:


> Two unhappy elderly people or two teenaged siblings fighting over a cache of goodies?


You don’t understand.  My husband has food issues.  He went hungry, as a child, and when we were first married we had little money for food which increased his major food insecurity.  However, we have been fine with food, for at least 45 years.  But he’s never gotten over not having food.

Plus, for some reason, he is jealous of anything I have, and I mean anything.  I am surprised he doesn’t wear my underwear.  . Probably cause he couldn’t squeeze into it.  He weights a lot more than I do.

In his declining years, his mental health issues have increased, especially his issues over food.  If I have something that is food, he is driven to have some and sometimes all of it.  It would be funny, if it were not so sad.  I really do feel sorry for him.  It must be awful to be driven to eat and eat and eat.


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## Aneeda72 (Nov 29, 2020)

The other thing is my husband is not a happy person.  He’s never been happy.  I have asked him in several different ways over several different years if he has every been happy.  He says no.  I believe him.  I don’t think he even understands what happiness is.

Even now, in my position, I am basically a happy person.  I wish we could have a better marriage, (not a better life, life is good, but a better marriage).  I keep trying, but it will never happen.  He has a hole in his bucket and no matter how much you fill it up, it leaks continuously.

I have finally realized that HE must make himself happy, no one can do it for him.  He resents everyone, puts forth no effort towards anyone, and, like some Vietnam veterans, he should have just gone off and become a hermit.  But he didn’t.


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## Damaged Goods (Nov 29, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> The other thing is my husband is not a happy person.  He’s never been happy.  I have asked him in several different ways over several different years if he has every been happy.  He says no.  I believe him.  I don’t think he even understands what happiness is.
> 
> Even now, in my position, I am basically a happy person.  I wish we could have a better marriage, (not a better life, life is good, but a better marriage).  I keep trying, but it will never happen.  He has a hole in his bucket and no matter how much you fill it up, it leaks continuously.
> 
> I have finally realized that HE must make himself happy, no one can do it for him.  He resents everyone, puts forth no effort towards anyone, and, like some Vietnam veterans, he should have just gone off and become a hermit.  But he didn’t.


I didn't realize the level of severity of his mental issues.  Should have realized that it was something more than some immature reaction.


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## Aneeda72 (Nov 29, 2020)

Damaged Goods said:


> I didn't realize the level of severity of his mental issues.  Should have realized that it was something more than some immature reaction.


He joined the marines with two friends he went to high school with, they were in the same barracks in Vietnam.  One night another marine got “high” and somehow thought his fellow marines were vietcong and shot off his automatic rifle.

My husband watched his fellow marine kill his two best friends.  I didn't know him before he went to Vietnam, but I think this single act changed him forever, and not in a good way.  Thus PTSD.


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## hellomimi (Nov 29, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> He can have the pretzels, but MY jelly beans, nope.


One of my unforgettable stories on SF. I  you @Aneeda72


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## hellomimi (Nov 29, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Plus, for some reason, he is jealous of anything I have, and I mean anything.  I am surprised he doesn’t wear my underwear.  . Probably cause he couldn’t squeeze into it.  He weights a lot more than I do.


Really, sister!!!??? OMG! if you have lacey undies, make sure to hide them well. If he can't wear 'em, he might hide them!  He likes push up bras too?


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## PamfromTx (Nov 29, 2020)

pamelasmithwick said:


> @Aneeda72
> 
> View attachment 119383


I wonder why this smiley is here?!   I guess I posted it when I was learning the ropes in this forum.   Sorry @Aneeda72


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## Aneeda72 (Nov 30, 2020)

pamelasmithwick said:


> I wonder why this smiley is here?!   I guess I posted it when I was learning the ropes in this forum.   Sorry @Aneeda72


No problem, my life is sometimes a joke.


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## Autumn72 (Jan 5, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Try living with him, go ahead, try


Thats what it all about he wants to be single without you my drar why he does this to you. Hoping you will leave his old self.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 6, 2021)

Autumn72 said:


> Thats what it all about he wants to be single without you my drar why he does this to you. Hoping you will leave his old self.


No he doesn’t want to be single and he does not want me to leave.  He acts the way he acts cause he is mentally ill.  And I vent here cause I can and it’s a somewhat safe place.  I can’t leave for a variety of complicated reasons which I’ve explained in various threads.

But it also comes down to would I leave someone because they had a physical illness?  No, I would not.  Some people would but I would not, so there you have it.


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## Lewkat (Jan 6, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> No, you are confused.  He keeps HIS cereal in his cupboard.  I rarely eat cereal, but when we were in the apartment I didn’t feel like making oatmeal so I poured myself a bowl of his Frosted Flakes and said I am having a bowl of your cereal.  Is that ok?
> 
> He said, why don’t you buy your own?  Obviously because I’m not currently in a grocery store.  And I poured the cereal back into the box.  We don’t fight over food.  We have shared food, and his food.  The jelly beans he would consider mine cause he doesn’t like them.
> 
> ...


Are you sure you are married to this guy Aneeda?  Sounds more like you are college roommates.


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## katlupe (Jan 6, 2021)

I understand you needing a place to vent. I wrote like crazy in my journal when I was living with my husband. That journal I read now when I think maybe I shouldn't have left. I liked being in the country and all that, but no, it was the right thing for me to do. It took me almost ten years to actually do it. It is not easy to do. 

Sometimes when someone writes something about their day, their feelings or what they are doing, others mistakenly think you are asking for advice. Happens to me on fakebook all the time. I end up deleting that post usually. I think we just like to say this is what happened to me today. Not really what should I do? Regardless, I never mean to give advice because I don't know what someone else is truly going through.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 6, 2021)

Lewkat said:


> Are you sure you are married to this guy Aneeda?  Sounds more like you are college roommates.


Senior roommates


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## Rosemarie (Jan 6, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> We have been married 48 plus years.  Lots of tough times.  Yes, early on I realized we were two people living together.  I tried to get him to realize this and was never able to.  I sought help and therapist wanted us to do marriage counseling.  They couldn’t understand it wasn’t a marriage.
> 
> It was him and a live in maid.  It just got more and more complicated.  You get stuck in a cycle and can’t leave because all your children are disabled, and disabled children require a mom who stays home.  You wake up one day and realize your stuck.  The children are out, but still disabled.
> 
> Then you are disabled.  He’s getting more and more odd.  You are still stuck.  And while I’d like to leave, where can I live on 800 a month?  When he’s nice and reasonable, it’s fine.  But, he’s odd.  Getting odder.  So I thought it’d be interesting to write about.


Aren't you glad you can come on this site and unload like this? Your life is intolerable but at least you can get sympathy on here.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 6, 2021)

Rosemarie said:


> Aren't you glad you can come on this site and unload like this? Your life is intolerable but at least you can get sympathy on here.


It’s not that I want or need sympathy as much as I want to check if others think his behavior is odd.  After so many years you begin to doubt yourself and want to run stuff pass others to see if it’s you or the other person.  I do need to vent though, , and I do.

I admit I dislike judgmental  comments about my husband or nasty comments that pretend to be  advice but are not.  He is my husband, I do love him, we have been to hell and back several times with 3 deceased babies, four living disabled children, and other various serious issues not of our making. But while I feel I have “grown“ I feel he has not.

2020, putting aside the virus, has been an interesting year.  We have had some long conversation in which he has finally acknowledged that he does not treat me well emotionally.  But he still refuses mental health treatment while acknowledging he has mental health issues.

It all matters less and less to me.


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## hellomimi (Jan 7, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> It’s not that I want or need sympathy as much as I want to check if others think his behavior is odd.  After so many years you begin to doubt yourself and want to run stuff pass others to see if it’s you or the other person.  I do need to vent though, , and I do.
> 
> I admit I dislike judgmental  comments about my husband or nasty comments that pretend to be  advice but are not.  He is my husband, I do love him, we have been to hell and back several times with 3 deceased babies, four living disabled children, and other various serious issues not of our making. But while I feel I have “grown“ I feel he has not.
> 
> ...


IF only he can read this, I hope it makes an impact in his life. He's so fortunate to have you in his life. I'm sure you're not perfect sister but I've read your stories and I know you're a woman of substance. Take care, you're loved!


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 7, 2021)

hellomimi said:


> IF only he can read this, I hope it makes an impact in his life. He's so fortunate to have you in his life. I'm sure you're not perfect sister but I've read your stories and I know you're a woman of substance. Take care, you're loved!


@hellomimi Thanks, no I don’t let him read my posts.

I am FAR, VERY FAR from perfect and I realize it.  I also have PTSD but very different from his PTSD.  I care deeply for people and he cares deeply for himself so we are really different in this area.  He does not understand why I care so much, even for strangers, and I don’t understand his lack of caring for even family members.

But they do say opposites attract


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## Pepper (Jan 7, 2021)

Aneeda, are you as funny in 'real' life as you are here?  Do you laugh a lot?  Hope so.


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 7, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Aneeda, are you as funny in 'real' life as you are here?  Do you laugh a lot?  Hope so.


I am a very sarcastic “funny” person as are all my children.  My son with DS even has this ability and has said some great one liners. So much has happened in my/our lives, you either cry or laugh.  I/we prefer to laugh.

It“s all the same.  Crying gives you a wet face, laughing gives you wet pants.


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## Aneeda72 (May 17, 2021)

So I am sure I am crazy, yes crazy, cause I still have not killed my husband, nope, not yet.  Maybe, if he had more insurance, but he doesn’t.  Today was stellar, just stellar.  Yesterday we bought five Magic Carpet Spirea which we thought would fill the long space left in our back yard.

These plants grow 24” high and 24” wide.  Bless Monrovia‘s heart they out a diagram on the leaflet with a plant and lines.  We bought five.    Turns out we needed 8 .  Today we truck back to Lowe’s and they have none of these clearance plants, for 10 dollars left.  Hmm.

But they have Monrovia Tom Thumb Cranberry Cotoneaster, non-fruit bearing, and I start to read the label on them.  A woman rushes up, grabs hold of the plant next to the one I am looking at and says, “what are these”?.    I don’t work here, but it says cranberry.  Oh, she says, looking at the plants, finally releases it and walks away.

I have a yellow on clearance rose sitting on my walker.  Another lady, speaking to her family in Vietnamese or similar language rushes up, grabs the other rose on clearance.    I decide to get the Tom Thumb Cranberry Cotoneaster and get 10.  The roses have yellow leaves which means the little blacks bugs have been after them.  I put the rose back.  The lady rushes over and grabs it.  

The Cranberry grows one to two feet high and spreads up 5 feet wide.  Sadly there is no diagram for my husband to look at.  We get home.  I say I will show you where you can replant the Spirea.  And I do.  Then I see him take out a Spirea and plop a Cran berry into the same hole.

No.  You have to measure.  The plants are not interchangeable.  He give me one of his dirt looks, leans forwards towards me, and says in a raised somewhat angry voice *“it says it grows five feet wide.  That is 2 and 1/2 feet in each direction.”  *OMGOSH.

Crazy, he drives me crazy.


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## Aneeda72 (May 17, 2021)

After researching on several sites I am not sure how wide the cranberry plant will get , it says 3 to 6 feet wide.  Apparently, if a branch of it touches the ground, the branch roots, and spreads more from there.  We agreed to plant it four feet apart.  Sounds like it will fill in eventually.

Also it may or may not have inedible berries.  Some sites says it has berries, some say it doesn’t.  The plant info, attached to the plant, does not mention berries.  It is not on the list for poisonous to dogs, but might be.    Well, Bella will not be around it as she eats any plants she sees, so she is not allowed around plants.  But it is a very pretty plant.


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## Aneeda72 (May 27, 2021)

So I write less and less here as conversations with my husband are crazy and, frankly, I try to avoid talking to him.  He now weights 360 and whenever I bring up that he has an eating disorder he gets very angry and claims he does not so I give up.

However, last week I BANNED any form of sugar from the house.  He is still so obsessed over food, as in did you eat some of my; that I solved the issue by refusing to buy any form of sugar.  He can eat all the carbs he wants.  I am trying to avoid carbs and sugar.  Hopefully my A1C will be low enough for surgery.

With my daughter here and baby girl they were my main focus.  He was invited to come, of course, but refused saying “he had stuff to do” which was sit on his butt and watch tv.    However, he did agree to meet us for lunch, of course.  It was me, oldest son, daughter, baby him.  He took his car.  Oldest joined us from work.

The place no longer served what daughter wanted so we went elsewhere.  But husband wanted money to get his own and refused to go elsewhere with us.  Whatever.  I knew it would be more enjoyable without him.  Sad, but so true.  He got 20 dollars from me and left.

We continued with our day, I got home late, and very tired, and went right to bed.  Daughter wanted to leave very early for the two hour drove up to the pj store in another town.  In the morning it got weird.  I opened his door to let him know I was going.  Blood on his sheets.  . What the heck?

I wake him up.  You’ve bleed on your sheets, where are you bleeding.  I don’t know.  . He sits up, there is a four inch gash on his arm, a huge bruise, and when I got home that night I notice a bruise on his elbow.  I said to him that it must have bleed badly as I can tell it’s deep.  He says he did not notice.  Whatever, I am leaving and I did.

Went to the store, few other stores and daughter asks, at each store, “aren’t you buying something”,   Yup, I am buying stuff.  I bought a jar of lemon marmalade at one store.  A cookie at the bakery.  At the pj store they had clearance stuff for a dollar, I spend 13.89.  . Turns out that was all the money I had left.  

Got a few things for baby and two shirts for me.  Get home, go into backyard, notice one of my pots is wacky and my new garden fence is broke.  *Now I know how he got hurt.    Liar, liar, pants on fire.*

And he says “when I came outside I noticed a big blank spot in the mulch by the fence gate and I noticed the garden fence was broken.”  You fell.  He says ”no, I didn’t.”. Then, I ask again, how did you get the big gash if it wasn’t from tripping, falling, and breaking the fence.  He says “I forget”.  I ask him if he has a bridge he’d like me to buy.  

”So you are telling me that someone jumped over our 5 foot gate, went around the five foot garden fence, and walked into the garden all the way to the end, and then they tripped over this flower pot, and fell onto the 3 foot garden fence and broken it.  You telling me that?”

”Yes,” he says.  

Why do you think they did that I asked.  

“I have no ideal.”. He says.

Yup, he’s reached a new level of crazy.

Then he opens the door to my bedroom last night “I just want you to know I am not going to work.  I am sick and then he goes into great detail explaining what’s wrong.  I don’t care.  Close the door I want to sleep.  “Well, he says, and repeats the whole conversation.  SHUT THE DOOR!

He doesn’t go to work, he walks into another room .  He didn’t have to wake me, but now he has so now I can’t sleep.  Great.  I get up, wash towels, put them in the drier, take Bella out.  Get a little sleep, already had alarm set to take Bella out which I did.  Try to get a little more sleep and up and at it.

He spent most of yesterday watching tv, apparently not to sick for that, slept all last night, and has slept all day.  There appears to be nothing wrong with him except he doesn’t want to work outside and wants to sleep instead.  He is not going to work tonight either.  Wonderful.  Our check last week was short and I had to use my ER money.  Now our next check will be short.  Terrific.

As for the fence, I order a new one.  I took the piece that broke off and used it to put across Bella’s dog run to make it very short.  While she is recovering, I am redoing the side yard.  Taking all the mulch out and throwing it away since she sticks her paw through the fencing and grabs a pawful of mulch to eat.  I can’t do it all, because he “forgot” to put the cans out last week and they are nearly full.

Just another wonderful week, while I work my self to death in the yard that he wanted.


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## hollydolly (May 27, 2021)

Just a quickie... what's ER  money ?


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## Aneeda72 (May 27, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> Just a quickie... what's ER  money ?


Emergency money, put away for when I have no money, but now I have no money and no emergency money - but, I still have credit cards


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## Aneeda72 (May 31, 2021)

Husband still sick with his cold and is a bigger jerk every day.  He complained about being out of crystal light and I have gone to the store two days in a row and each day asked him DOES HE WANT ANYTHING and he says no.  Now he complains that he has been drinking plain water for a couple days, .

I say why didn’t he use some of mine?  But apparently my single packs are too hard for him to use as he uses the 2 quart packets.  I went to the store and bought him 80 dollars worth of crystal light.  Yes, yes I did.  So tired of his complaining while I do everything and he lays on his back in bed cause he has a cold.

Then last night when he is working his computer would not work and he was waiting for it to be fixed.  I asked him, since I could not sleep do to my very painful shoulder, if I could play my computer game.  He said yes.  I turned the sound off, was playing my game, when he came into the room.  He was in his bedroom.

Anyway, he started hacking and coughing, which he hadn’t done all night and I asked him to put his mask on as I didn’t want to catch his cold since I am having surgery soon.  (I had a mask on).  He refused.  In fact, he is now refusing to wear a mask at all in the house even though he is sick.

Such a jerk!  He is definitely trying to get me ill so my surgery will have to be delayed.  Typical of him.    He is such a hateful person.


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 1, 2021)

Well, I guess I am in a venting mood.

I called my son and told him to call me when he gets back from his trip; instead he dropped by which was fine.  I told him some stuff about his dad and he said he needs a psychologist.  Well, duh.  Like I haven’t tried that for years.

He also felt he might need to go into a nursing home, he said.  Who, I asked him, is paying for that?  I also told him I am thinking of selling the house and having us move into separate
apartments which would be just as expensive as a large three bedroom apartment.

While I realize the above is not practical it might keep me from jumping off a bridge as I have about had it with his behaviors.  He has now decided he needs to sleep over 10 hours a day.  I woke him at 4:30 yesterday and asked him did he plan on getting up, to which he replied,  I set my alarm for 5; I will get up then.  

*Well, excuse me.  *


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## officerripley (Jun 1, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Well, I guess I am in a venting mood.
> 
> I called my son and told him to call me when he gets back from his trip; instead he dropped by which was fine.  I told him some stuff about his dad and he said he needs a psychologist.  Well, duh.  Like I haven’t tried that for years.
> 
> ...


About the nursing home: I don't know about where you live, but in my state there's a thing called the Spousal Impoverishment Law (or something close to that); it's basically that the state cannot impoverish someone by denying their spouse Medic-Aid (to pay for a skilled nursing facility--even permanently); in this state last time I checked, Medic-Aid would cover that & leave the non-Medic-Aid-receiving spouse the roof over their head, one vehicle and $140K or less in the bank. You have to apply for it and make sure you meet all the stipulations of course and, in this state anyway, it's best to pay an elder law lawyer to help you with it, but my dad used the law when having to put my stepmother in a facility. And I know of at least one other state that has something similar, Tennessee.


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## Sliverfox (Jun 6, 2021)

Wondering  how  you are doing , Aneeda?


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## Jules (Jun 6, 2021)

Sliverfox said:


> Wondering  how  you are doing , Aneeda?


@Aneeda72, I’m wondering also.  We haven’t heard from you since Friday afternoon and there was a lot of chaos.  Be well.


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 6, 2021)

Jules said:


> @Aneeda72, I’m wondering also.  We haven’t heard from you since Friday afternoon and there was a lot of chaos.  Be well.


I’m ok, thanks.  Just dealing with the situation.


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 6, 2021)

Jules said:


> @Aneeda72, I’m wondering also.  We haven’t heard from you since Friday afternoon and there was a lot of chaos.  Be well.


Just dealing with stuff.  Ops doubled it


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 18, 2021)

I am sitting here, totally stressed out, and mulling over my lot in life.  And while I know how I got here, I suppose, I don’t really know why.  Why I am continually agreeable to the pressures put on me by family who continually manage to manipulate into doing what I don’t want to do.

I can hardly write, can hardly think, and I wish just one of my two birth kids would care, but that asking the impossible.  I am going to text the real estate agent this morning and tell him if we don’t have a decent offer by Monday night, I want the company to buy the house.  No more showing after Monday.  It will be too hard on me.

Apparently, I am slower than usual due to all the stress cause my son and daughter cooked up a plan between them.  I thought at first it was just my daughter.  Then, a casual remark from my son, made me realize it was the two of them.  

My daughter has been talking about once the house is sold, she thought my son would move in with his girlfriend and we should move to his mobile home as the lot rent will be cheaper than apartment rent.  His mobile home (which I bought for him many years ago) is in worst shape than my house.  He’s always complaining about the mobile home park.

My daughter was saying how concerned she was about our finances, how much better this would be, and really pushing me to agree.  Hmm, she is never really concerned about us due to her Asperger’s Syndrome (same with my son).  Her concern was strange until my son said something.

Then I understood.  The plan was, he moves in with his girlfriend which makes financial sense for them.  My husband and I move into the mobile home and pay the lot rent.  Then if he and girlfriend break up, Husband and I move to an apartment and he moves back to the mobile home.

Not happening.  I have my own plan.   Selling the house, moving to an apartment, and, then, dealing with my difficult husband and difficult marriage.  That’s my plan and that’s what I am doing!


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## hollydolly (Jun 18, 2021)

Aneeda... what a kick in the head for you, to find that even with your own offspring you're not getting support, in fact just the opposite with the plotting behind your back.. I'm so sorry for you... this has got to stop, you have to show them whose boss!! Stick to your guns.. do what you have plans to do and do not deviate from that..

It;s just terrible this is happening to you when your health is already compromised and your  hip operation is due , and you're in such pain..... but remember, you have to live the rest of your life with the choices you make in the next few days.. so make them for _you..._


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## Pepper (Jun 18, 2021)

What the F!  What the H!  Aneeda, I don't know what to say or how to say it, but I don't like what's happening.  So glad you can come here to seek ideas and support.  I am outraged on your behalf.


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## Sliverfox (Jun 18, 2021)

@ Aneeda do you & your husband  have power of attorney on each other?

There have been times I want to pull the strings of  ours. " He's incapable of  that decision, mentally confused".

Our  oldest son informed us that   our youngest son wanted us  to have a care giver  come in.  ???????  !

Sorry ,,just some  random thoughts this morning.

Really  hope  what is  going on with your life ,, works out much better.


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## Sliverfox (Jun 18, 2021)

@ hollydolly,, care givers aren't happening to us,, yet.
At  our age, both  of  us ,79,, we are up & moving every day.

I'm busy with  house  work,,  gardening, the pup. 
He is out in  local wood lots  operating  power saw  or using a large backhoe.

Yesterday was   'slow' day  for us.
He tore a huge hole in backhoe tire,, which  stopped his  work.

So we took a drive to get  some fresh strawberries,,,yum.


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## mellowyellow (Jun 18, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I am sitting here, totally stressed out, and mulling over my lot in life.  And while I know how I got here, I suppose, I don’t really know why.  Why I am continually agreeable to the pressures put on me by family who continually manage to manipulate into doing what I don’t want to do.
> 
> I can hardly write, can hardly think, and I wish just one of my two birth kids would care, but that asking the impossible.  I am going to text the real estate agent this morning and tell him if we don’t have a decent offer by Monday night, I want the company to buy the house.  No more showing after Monday.  It will be too hard on me.
> 
> ...


Good for you Aneeda, shock them all by sticking to your guns.


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 18, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> Aneeda... what a kick in the head for you, to find that even with your own offspring you're not getting support, in fact just the opposite with the plotting behind your back.. I'm so sorry for you... this has got to stop, you have to show them whose boss!! Stick to your guns.. do what you have plans to do and do not deviate from that..
> 
> It;s just terrible this is happening to you when your health is already compromised and your  hip operation is due , and you're in such pain..... but remember, you have to live the rest of your life with the choices you make in the next few days.. so make them for _you..._


Thanks @hollydolly.  I have always put everyone else first, always.  Especially my difficult husband always trying to find something that would make him happy and do things for him when he does nothing for me.  My last hip surgery, he would not even help me get meals.  . This time I’ve bought some cereal and TV dinners so I will be able to get food easily when I am hungry.  I got a weeks worth but I think I will pick up a bit more.

As for the my two non disabled bio children, I will admit, to myself, I am really disappointed in their current behavior.  I expect very little from them because I realize they have their own lives.  But this plan of theirs, to suit their needs, very disappointing.

Anyway, I am going forward with MY plan.


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 18, 2021)

Sliverfox said:


> @ Aneeda do you & your husband  have power of attorney on each other?
> 
> There have been times I want to pull the strings of  ours. " He's incapable of  that decision, mentally confused".
> 
> ...


Actually we do have each other’s power of attorney.  Funny you should mention this, as I told him just a couple of days ago if he keeps on his current path of pretended helplessness, I will believe him and put him in a nursing home.

Gee, so he does remember how to change a light bulb and the battery in the smoke alarm when just the other day, he couldn’t.  . It’s a real struggle for me now and so much stress.  But I AM selling this house, getting my surgery, and changing my life.  I still have to live with him, but he can stay home as much as he wants, but I am going out and having some interesting times.


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## Liberty (Jun 18, 2021)

Good for you Aneeda...you know what the definition of insanity is, right?!  LOL.

Its easy to get into the family role playing mode though...takes mental strength and gumption to pull out of it and to change the initial actions which then change the "reactions" accordingly.

Ben Franklin said the definition of insanity was -

*"Doing the same thing over and over expected a different result".*


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## hollydolly (Jun 18, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Actually we do have each other’s power of attorney.  Funny you should mention this, as I told him just a couple of days ago if he keeps on his current path of pretended helplessness, I will believe him and put him in a nursing home.
> 
> Gee, so he does remember how to change a light bulb and the battery in the smoke alarm when just the other day, he couldn’t.  . It’s a real struggle for me now and so much stress.  But I AM selling this house, getting my surgery, and changing my life.  I still have to live with him, but he can stay home as much as he wants, but I am going out and having some interesting times.


yes and you MUST do it Aneeda... just get on with what's left of your life the way you want to live it....You'll find a complete change in attitude with some  as soon as you do......and if not, then so be it.. their loss, but definitely your gain!!


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 18, 2021)

Pepper said:


> What the F!  What the H!  Aneeda, I don't know what to say or how to say it, but I don't like what's happening.  So glad you can come here to seek ideas and support.  I am outraged on your behalf.


Thanks Pepper, my kids behavior really caught me off guard.    The only one who has stuck up for me is, surprisingly, my son with Down’s syndrome.  He has through out the years told my husband to leave me alone, to not treat me that way, and told me to get a divorce.  He once said to his dad ”she’s your wife, you should be nice to her.”  Funny that he recognizes his dad cruelty towards me why the other two ignore the situation.

And my highly intelligent self sufficient daughter told be when she was 18 if I divorced her dad she would never speak to me again.    But things are going to change.


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## katlupe (Jun 18, 2021)

Good for you! Self-love is not selfish, sometimes we get lost taking care of others.


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## Pepper (Jun 18, 2021)

I'm not at all surprised your son w/Downs acts with understanding and sympathy.  I worked with adults with Downs, finding them foster situations with families.  They are intuitive, gentle and have great feelings for those who love them.  Glad you have his support!


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## Sliverfox (Jun 18, 2021)

Aneeda,, do not let your children Beat you down.


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## Jules (Jun 18, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> but remember, you have to live the rest of your life with the choices you make in the next few days.. so make them for _you..._





Aneeda72 said:


> I’ve bought some cereal and TV dinners so I will be able to get food easily when I am hungry. I got a weeks worth but I think I will pick up a bit more.


Definitely pick up more.  He may decide to eat yours.  


Aneeda72 said:


> Anyway, I am going forward with MY plan.



Can you ask the doctor for a place that you can receive care for a couple of days post surgery.


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## JustBonee (Jun 18, 2021)

@Aneeda72 .. after  reading this  thread,  I want to wish you all the best,   as you move forward with  surgery, moving and giving up Bella ..  

Life just shouldn't be so hard to maneuver .... You've had  so  many trials and tribulations! 
  .. your will-power and sense of humor serves you well my friend.   (that's an understatement!) 

Thinking of you in the coming days......   good luck with all.


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## Sliverfox (Jun 20, 2021)

Am thinking of you today & tomorrow ,,,  wishing you the best of luck  &   great results on hip  replacement.


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## hollydolly (Jun 20, 2021)




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## jujube (Jun 20, 2021)

Good luck with your surgery and your plans.  Take care of you!


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 27, 2021)

What a day, .  I decided to put this here rather than disrupt anyone’s else’s thread.  I really considered @Ruthanne thread old and wearing out fast, but thought it might be too much about me and frankly I probably will give TMAM info.  It not for the squeamish.  Might take a couple days, it was a difficult time.

Also, those who are not interested, and I suppose there are some people who are not interested, IN ME, , although it’s hard to imagine who can just bypass this.  I want to try and keep track of what happened so I can avoid it in the future.

I had two incidents of almost passing out yesterday and put it down to various reasons.  I am still not very clear, and still overwhelmed, and extremely upset and angry at my husband for his lack of help and concern.  I don’t expect much from him, but today he hit rock bottom, IMO.  But, I have a plan and I will get through this.

It is a continued lesson for me a d for us us all.  Do not assume you think you know what is going on.  I think, now, I started to become confused yesterday and should have called 911 much earlier.

Also I have not been eating well and am hardly eating due to my husband, myself, and my total lack of appetite.  Also although I always hungry, I’ve not been hungry much lately, that should have been a clue and I missed it.


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## hollydolly (Jun 27, 2021)

I'm not really sure what this last post is about Aneeda.. wondering if you're still not  thinking clearly.. you do sound like you're in an amazing amount of pain...


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 27, 2021)

I woke a little before 4am having dropped off and was in a great deal of pain.  Not only leg wise, but severe chest pain and really bad pain between my shoulder blades.  None of this was unusual, but I rarely get severe chest pain and severe back pain at the same time.  I considered getting a stronger pain med.

I have been taking half a low level pain med since surgery and decided, due to the almost passing out incidents and extreme pain to progress to a full pill every six hours.  If I had a high level pain pill within reaching distance I would have taken it.  I didn’t, so I didn’t.  I took the pill, waited for it take effect, drifted off, and woke up a six dying to go to the bathroom.

Got myself up.  Even though husband took vacation time off, he stills sleeps in to 8am.  Got my walker and proceeded to go towards the bathroom.  Started to pass out after 5/6 steps, when I am going to pass out my ears roar, the sounds gets louder the closer I am to loosing consciousness.  Passed my husband door, hit it, open it, yelled I am passing out, get me some cereal.  

I thought, mistakenly, it was my blood sugar.  Continued onto the toilet.  Got my drawers down, sat on the toilet, walker locked in and jammed in front of me so if I pass completely out I won’t fall off the toilet, (I have in the past done this) and ears roaring like a hurricane, I lost bowel and bladder control, just as husband entered with a small snack of cereal and sat the cereal down next to my head which was laying on my walker seat.  I never passed out completely.  I shoved a few pieces of cereal in, fruit loops, but could not yet sit back up.

Everything inside, drained out as I waited for it to stop.  No control.  Husband just stood there, not a word.  But, I am on the toliet, right.  Underpants are down, right.  Is ok, right?  Nope.. Cause while I have my underpants down, I did not get my night gown pulled up.  And it is a minute or so before I realize this.  .  So disgusting.

Now I am more conscious, but not thinking, more aware of the nasty condition of a nightgown filled with what I’d rather a nightgown not be filled with and I reach back, pull it off, drop it on the floor.

Let’s face it, beyond stupid.  Right up there on the stupidest things I have ever done list.  Not the top mind you.   Marring my current husband will always be at the top of that list.  But surely within the MY TOP TEN OF STUPID THINGS I‘VE DONE and lived to regret-a lot.

Now I am covered in shit.

It’s one of those do I laugh?  Do I cry?  I opted for a combination of both.  If you are going to go crazy, go big.  

Got to go get a pain pill.


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 27, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> I'm not really sure what this last post is about Aneeda.. wondering if you're still not  thinking clearly.. you do sound like you're in an amazing amount of pain...


It will become clearer or not.


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 27, 2021)

So I have been taking Tramadol 50mg 1/2 a pill every six hours,  it’s not enough.  He wrote for more Tramadol 50mg 1 pill every four hours, which will be much better.  Yes, I have oxycodone and some sort of morphine pill which I could take,  I prefer not to.


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 27, 2021)

Moving on, this was a moment where my husband could have stepped up or stepped down even further-he chose down.  I just wanted to be cleaned off.  Please clean me off.  Nope. No reaction, he just stood and stared at me.  I could not yet sit up.  I started screaming just wipe the shit off me.  A wee bit hysterical but I don’t feel well.

After all, we were in the bathroom.  There were towels, a sink, I am on the toilet, *Just get it off.*

He reached down and picked up my dripping crappy nightgown.  I slapped his hand.  Slapped it again.  Slapped it again.  Sat up, and screamed *clean me off.  *The words I want to use right now would get me thrown off the forum.  He turned around and left.

. So angry, so frustrated, so mad, just once, he could have done the decent thing, but, nope.

He came back with a rag.  Turned the water on, I am waiting for the water to get warm he says.  *No, he is putting me in my place-he is making a control statement.  I know exactly what he is doing.  But I have changed and he will soon learn that I have changed.  *. He wrings it out, and twice more.

Finally, he wipes the filth off.  What else would you like me to do?  (Well, now that you asked ).  I am sane enough to bide my time.  I would like my nightgown washed.  Ok, he says.  I get up, struggle to my recliner, and sit down.  He comes back.  What now, he asks.  

I am sitting in my recliner in a pair of depends.  Hmm, what could I possible need.  A shirt, bring me a shirt.  What kind he asks, what color, long or short leaves etc.  . Any shirt you choose.  He does.  Now what? He asks.

Go into your room and sit on your butt and watch tv.  It’s what you do best.  He leaves.  I try and regain some of my brain.  I still don’t feel well.  An hour later, I call him and ask him to bring me my nightgown.  He says he hasn’t washed it yet.  I have two nightgowns, a winter and summer.  Note to self, buy more nightgowns.  

Unlock the door please, oh so very nice am I.  Why, he asked.  I am calling the paramedics.  He knows, in our state the sherriff comes with the police.  No more problems with him, none at all.  I call my doc, I get lucky she is on call, I describe my many symptoms amd she says call 911.  I do.  They are here in 5 minutes


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 27, 2021)

The paramedics arrive, get basic info, I am a heart patient.  They slap the ekg on.

*SURPRISE!

I AM IN AFIB.  Flipping in and out out AFIB, what a luckily girl.*

I have not have AFIB in 2 years.  And fortunately for me, I was put on blood thinners after surgery otherwise, I would be having a stroke.  I suspected Addison’s crisis and this later prove to be correct as well. 

The AFIB explains the severe chest/back pain.  AFIB was probably brought on by the extreme leg/hip pain.  The Addison’s crisis was brought on by not enough prednisone.  I was given more at the hospital and told to triple it the next three days.  A stroke was avoided by the blood thinners.

I live 15 minutes away from a major medical center.  It was busy that morning and all ambulances were diverted elsewhere.  I had to chose a different hospital in a short amount of time that was within my medical plan.  This has never happened before, but it was a bad day.

The new to me hospital Turned out to be very nice place and people realized right away that I was having cognitive issues and were not “freaked out”.  The people were very nice and ignored the fact that my husband was acting like he had Alzheimer’s and was stone deaf.

I might go there from now on.  They still did not have all my results when I left because a blood counting machine broke down.  . Story of my life.  I feel better, not great.  I have a bad side ache.

When he gets up from his nap, I will get a shower.  Yup, still have not have one.  And I plan on saying nothing to him, nothing.  I need to get better, I need to straighten out the pain management, and I need to sell the house.  Then start my long term plan for a better life.

Oh, and I need to order some new nightgowns from AMAZON.  

@hollydolly hope things got clearer, but it was an awful day.


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 27, 2021)

Oh, forgot, oxygen levels at hospital were between 82 and 90 percent for five hours.  I was not well, but tomorrow is another day and I see the surgeon on Wednesday so I’m good for now.


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## Pinky (Jun 27, 2021)

Oh my goodness @Aneeda72, you've really been through the wringer! Thank goodness you took control of the situation - no thanks to your husband  

I hope things go more smoothly until Wednesday. It would be good if they could keep you in hospital, all things considered.


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## Jules (Jun 27, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> but it was an awful day


Understatement.  It was a day from he-double hockey sticks.


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## Aneeda72 (Jun 27, 2021)

Pinky said:


> Oh my goodness @Aneeda72, you've really been through the wringer! Thank goodness you took control of the situation - no thanks to your husband
> 
> I hope things go more smoothly until Wednesday. It would be good if they could keep you in hospital, all things considered.


Thanks @Pinky I don’t like to be in hospital, but, all things considered, I would have stayed overnight and I agree with you.  But, it wasn’t offered,


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## Jules (Jun 27, 2021)

When does your house sale go through?

Next time you’re cold and clammy and feel dreadful, call 911 right away.  Don’t wait for him to do it.  The squeaky wheel gets the medical grease.


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## Leonie (Jun 27, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Oh, forgot, oxygen levels at hospital were between 82 and 90 percent for five hours.  I was not well, but tomorrow is another day and I see the surgeon on Wednesday so I’m good for now.


Oh my goodness Aneeda72, I have just caught up with this thread.  I can't begin to imagine what you have been going through.  You seem to be a very brave and strong lady.  In spite of your health problems, (and your husbands as well) you still seem able to see the funny side of things, as comes across in your musings/ventings on here.  I wish you well and hope you feel better soon.


----------



## katlupe (Jun 28, 2021)

Oh my Aneeda, my heart goes out to you. What a horrible situation to be in when you need to recover from the surgery. I pray things get better soon.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jun 28, 2021)

Jules said:


> When does your house sale go through?
> 
> Next time you’re cold and clammy and feel dreadful, call 911 right away.  Don’t wait for him to do it.  The squeaky wheel gets the medical grease.


Yup, thanks, I agree but the confusion had started to set on for real and it was hard to make the decision.  I could tell he was angry when I decided to call 911 and take the ambulance.  But I will say once the paramedics said I was flipping in and out of AFIB, he appeared as shocked as I was.  And the paramedics were fairly insistent that I go by ambulance as I was having too many issues.

They started a very slow iv with fluids on me saying they did not want to make/cause any sudden change at all in my condition as it might end in an unwanted result.  They also double checked everything they did with each other and recorded every step in detail.  No siren and a slow methodical drive to the next hospital.

I was, it seemed, on the edge of having an unwanted change in your my status and they took every precaution to make sure that didn’t happen.  They took great care of my hip and while normally they have you transfer onto the ER bed, they actually transferred me, insuring my hip was completely supported.

I  am really appreciatIve of their efforts.

Forgot to answer.  The due diligence is on the 29th and we will see if she wants to make changes based on the inspection results.  I do know he found two water leaks and claimed one was “bad” but it’s not.  There was a horrendous leak there a year ago which we discovered when we moved in.  We had those fixed, all the pipes replaced and rerun, twice.  

A leak around those new pipes does not surprise me as the garbage disposals constant vibration can cause those.  I am waiting for her to counter offer based on the inspection.  I will accept whatever changes she wants and hopefully she wants to continue with the sale.

We close on the 21 of July, but we could close as early as the 17th and if all goes well, we will close on that day.  The apartment is ready on the 17, we have a UHAUL confirmation for the 17, and I think, for me, for a variety of reasons, it would be safer to move as soon as possible.

Bella played an important role in our family dynamics, not just as a companion.  I miss a lot for a variety of reasons.  In terms of companionship she was the best pup I’ve ever owed and will be a great dog for her new mom.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jun 28, 2021)

Leonie said:


> Oh my goodness Aneeda72, I have just caught up with this thread.  I can't begin to imagine what you have been going through.  You seem to be a very brave and strong lady.  In spite of your health problems, (and your husbands as well) you still seem able to see the funny side of things, as comes across in your musings/ventings on here.  I wish you well and hope you feel better soon.


Thanks. , a lot of it was funny.  I mean really, ER’s only close on tv shows for the added drama, then again, apparently not


----------



## Sliverfox (Jun 29, 2021)

Pleased to read the EMTs were great with you.

Thankful that you have  more than one hospital to go  to.

In my neck of  woods one hospital &  couple of  clinics.

Have to go 50+ to larger , better hospitals.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

As usual, yesterday was a stellar day .

I have been trying to get my husband to go back to the doctor since he finished his meds as he is still coughing.  He has refused, so yet another point of contention between us and I am trying to end the points of contention.  So yesterday on the way to my doctor, he is coughing up a lung, again .

When we get to my doctors office, I tell him to take the car, go over to the instant care, and seea doctor before your lung is sitting outside your body.  Besides there are no magazines to read due to Covid, the tv is off to to Covid, my doctor is running behind due to overbooking as usual, and we might as well kill two birds with one stone.

He agrees.

I go see my doctor, won’t see him again.  . Husband goes to instant care doctor.  When we are in the car I ask husband, who is still coughing up a lung, what the doc said.   Husband says “I looked at your old medical records.  You were really sick, you could have died.  And, you still have pneumonia.”  (I am right again, just saying. I’ve taken care of him again even though he’s been horrific to me, just saying.)

The doctor gives him different medication and tells him to come back in two weeks to make sure the pneumonia is gone. Remember, we are in the car when we are talking and I turn to him and say “why is it I keep saving your life, making sure you are ok and you won’t even call the paramedics for me.”

And he says “because I care less for you than I did the dog.  You are right.  I did not call the paramedics-and would not call them no matter how sick you got and I would have let you lie there till you died and not called the paramedics”.



Alrighty then.

I have a plan.  I am sticking to it.  But I am mulling over my options.  And I am firing my ortho surgeon who I’ve seen for 20 plus years and I am firing my primary care doctor who just told me I have to put up with my jerk of a husband and I am on the way to being done with putting up with my jerk of my husband.

I have a freaking plan!!!


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## katlupe (Jul 1, 2021)

OMG, I would get away from him as soon as possible. You do not deserve to live with someone who wants you dead.


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## Pepper (Jul 1, 2021)

Is your plan legal?

Aneeda, *don't try to save him anymore*.  Doing so makes you the crazy one.  You're not the crazy one.
I don't know what else to say.  Maybe he'll drop dead soon.


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## Sliverfox (Jul 1, 2021)

Am with katlupe on  get away from him,, as quick as you can.

That is elder abuse.
Is there a woman's shelter  you can get to?


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

katlupe said:


> OMG, I would get away from him as soon as possible. You do not deserve to live with someone who wants you dead.


Yup I agree


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## Devi (Jul 1, 2021)

It may go from verbal threat to ... further. Get out of there, Aneeda.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Is your plan legal?
> 
> Aneeda, *don't try to save him anymore*.  Doing so makes you the crazy one.  You're not the crazy one.
> I don't know what else to say.  Maybe he'll drop dead soon.


Well, I agree.  That’s what got me “in trouble” with my docs I was trying to tell them both what was going on and how he would not call 911 and they just wanted me to shut up amd go away.  So I am “firing“ them both.  I PAY them to listen.

But I got to work so i needed surgery for my useless leg and now it’s got to heal but, yes, my plan is legal.


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## Devi (Jul 1, 2021)

You're right to fire your docs. What kind of doctor hears about abuse and opts to ignore it?

Isn't there an Aging organization in your area that could be of help?


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Sliverfox said:


> Am with katlupe on  get away from him,, as quick as you can.
> 
> That is elder abuse.
> Is there a woman's shelter  you can get to?


No but I’ll be safe at the apartment, two more weeks till there.  Seriously, I saw he was getting worst and started my plan.  It will take a while, but I will be safe.  He is not crazy enough to want to go to jail, yet, but what he said, and he said it so calmly; like he was waiting for a spider he stepped on to die, that bother me a great deal.

And since Bella has been gone he's started sneaking up on me unexpectedly again.  Other little stuff he has not pulled in a while.  Got to get another dog to “warn“ me when he is coming.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Devi said:


> You're right to fire your docs. What kind of doctor hears about abuse and opts to ignore it?
> 
> Isn't there an Aging organization in your area that could be of help?


I am doing things carefully, step by step, so he agrees to me leaving.  It will take a year or more. Remember I have two disabled sons, I have to be cautious.  He's got to want me to leave.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

I also think I will get one of the life line things for safety.  I agree, I think my safety is comprised now.  The docs wanted me to get a bracelet for the Addison’s disease.  I am going to tell him they now want me to get the life line thing so if I am walking and have an issue they can find me.

I have to be careful.  He has crossed a line.  He really is mentally ill and I asked him why he would feel that way about me and he just stared straight away and said he didn’t know.  And I told him will he now go get therapy since I’m less than a dog is to him and he said no.


----------



## Pepper (Jul 1, 2021)

Why can't he be thrown out so he could be the one to leave?


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## Pepper (Jul 1, 2021)

Try not to talk with him about anything.  Don't even ask what he wants for lunch.  Just make it.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Why can't he be thrown out so he could be the one to leave?


Well, I have no money.  And I was told unless he physically abuses me the authorities will do nothing.  Plus, it’s he said she say situations, I can’t prove anything.


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## JustBonee (Jul 1, 2021)

.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Try not to talk with him about anything.  Don't even ask what he wants for lunch.  Just make it.


He makes his own food and that’s the apartment plan.  I told him when we get moved his gets the bigger spaces and I just won’t bother him at all and their be no work for him to do as it is small enough for me to care for without help.  I am being very accommodating

When he would not get me anything to eat this time I just said that’s ok I am not hungry.  And he wanted to bring take out home, I said ok.  Then, one of his tricks, he brings take home for me that I don’t like, I just smile and say really that’s ok I am not hungry.

It like I am trapped in one of those scary movies where the monster is trying to get you to trip up.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

But once he’s well and doesn’t have pneumonia his manner may improve back to his “normal”.  The illness may be the trigger for this new somewhat extreme behavior.  Don’t you think?  We are all awful when we don’t feel well.  But I have no choice but to do what I am doing.  As I have no money.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Well, got to get some stuff done.  I appreciate the support everyone.  I must say I had a very nervous night, but I will be fine.


----------



## Sliverfox (Jul 1, 2021)

Can you rig up a cord with something that rattles to   wake you up if he comes in to harm you?


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## JustBonee (Jul 1, 2021)

..


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Sliverfox said:


> Can you rig up a cord with something that rattles to   wake you up if he comes in to harm you?


I am not sleeping much right now.  He works nights so he has to be at his desk the computer tracks when he leaves so no worries there, but I am going to see about this 3 year old dog.  It’s important he does not know he’s made me nervous.

Plus when I got in the car yesterday I put my arm down on the console, which was hot, and when I pulled my arm up I got a huge skin tear.  This lets me go to instant care today and I can ask that doc about resources or phone numbers for me.  I mean, this will pass I am sure, he never stays in one mood very long.


----------



## Pinky (Jul 1, 2021)

Oh Aneeda, please do be very careful, whatever you do. I know you are a smart woman, but you are dealing with someone who seems to have no conscience.


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## JustBonee (Jul 1, 2021)

.


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## Jules (Jul 1, 2021)

Do you have a recording device?  On your phone?  If not, they’re inexpensive.  Buy one and surreptitiously record his conversations.  If your doctor heard his death wish for you, you’d get support.  If it’s not legal in your state, big deal, do it anyway.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Bonnie said:


> Can any family members come for a brief visit,   and help you with things  like packing for your move?
> Seems like a good time to have someone else around.


Actually I thought of that and when my granddaughter was once again going on and on about her mentally ill 10 year old and how they were at their wits end blah blah blah both my daughter and I offered to take her for the summer.  My husband WOULD NEVER pull this crap with another person around, even a kid.  And he is a really good person to non adults.

So I  pushed to have her here.  It would meet her need/want for independence, lots of stores in walking distance for her, close to her parents if she got home sick, it would have worked great for us all.  But my son, her grandfather, didn’t like the ideal and shut it down.  She was sent to a different grandma.  The one who doesn’t feed her, but let’s her run wild.    On their farm.

Once the apartment is set up, and it’s much cooler, and I understand how to put gas in a car which seems hard for me, I will go visit my mother  as I should for a while and he won’t want to go.  Then drive down the California coast hwy, taking my time.  I’ve no where to be and nothing I need to do.  Then over Vegas and decide to either to through Arizona or New Mexico to reach El Paso Tx where I can stay as long as I want.

My daughter is in Texas along with half a million cousins I have not seen since I was a child.  That give him a long period without me, minimum. 3 months a least.  We have never been apart, except hospital stays, for 50 years.  This will be a good thing.  My daughter says I could live in Texas on 800 a month and I can check it out.  At some point my two boys need to learn mom won’t always be around and this will be a starting point for them.

As I said, I have a plan.  Been thinking about this since I started sharing some of his behaviors as I didn’t know if it was me or him.  But, it’s more him than me for sure.  And I care a lot for him, whereas, he doesn’t for me as I have learned.

But I am no angel.  I am writing this one sided which is unfair to him, but I am no danger to him.  if I hit anyone I would break me.  I am still in shock at what he said, and very sad, very very sad.  And I need to buy me a car and a dog and I’ll be set once I learn the gas thing.  I don’t know why that’s so hard, but it is.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Jules said:


> Do you have a recording device?  On your phone?  If not, they’re inexpensive.  Buy one and surreptitiously record his conversations.  If your doctor heard his death wish for you, you’d get support.  If it’s not legal in your state, big deal, do it anyway.


I do not want to cause problems or more issues but I am thinking I need to leave.


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## Devi (Jul 1, 2021)

Aneeda, about the gas:

you go to a gas station
figure out what type of gas your car needs (ask the gas station if you don't know) and how much you need
pay them
open the gas tank (probably a flap toward the side rear of your car and, inside, a round twist-off "cap")
put the gas pump nozzle into the gas tank
squeeze the gas pump handle so that the gas starts pumping
when done, remove the gas pump nozzle, hang it back up, and close the round "cap" and flap
Or, ask the gas station folks for help.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2021)

Devi said:


> Aneeda, about the gas:
> 
> you go to a gas station
> figure out what type of gas your car needs (ask the gas station if you don't know) and how much you need
> ...


Or, if there's someone standing around asking for change, offer him $1 or $2 to pump your gas for you. Usually they'll take you up on it.

*Anneda, always lock your car before you go in to pay for your gas, and keep it locked until you get in it to leave.*


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## JustBonee (Jul 1, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> *Actually I thought of that and when my granddaughter was once again going on and on about her mentally ill 10 year old and how they were at their wits end blah blah blah both my daughter and I offered to take her for the summer.  My husband WOULD NEVER pull this crap with another person around, even a kid.  And he is a really good person to non adults.*
> 
> So I  pushed to have her here.  It would meet her need/want for independence, lots of stores in walking distance for her, close to her parents if she got home sick, it would have worked great for us all.  But my son, her grandfather, didn’t like the ideal and shut it down.  She was sent to a different grandma.  The one who doesn’t feed her, but let’s her run wild.    On their farm.
> 
> ...



Sorry that didn't work out.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Bonnie said:


> Sorry that didn't work out.
> 
> If family members know of the issue at hand,  maybe they can step up  and come  to you and help ??
> Are there still bus lines out there - Greyhound or Trailways?  ...  I don't know  status of those services anymore.


Why would I need a bus?  It doesn’t matter, I can NOT travel on a bus.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Bonnie said:


> Sorry that didn't work out.
> 
> If family members know of the issue at hand,  maybe they can step up  and come  to you and help ??
> Are there still bus lines out there - Greyhound or Trailways?  ...  I don't know  status of those services anymore.


My family does not step up


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## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Why would I need a bus?  It doesn’t matter, I *can* travel on a bus.


Did you mean you _can't_?

Too bad Uber would be too expensive for a trip that distance.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Or, if there's someone standing around asking for change, offer him $1 or $2 to pump your gas for you. Usually they'll take you up on it.
> 
> *Anneda, always lock your car before you go in to pay for your gas, and keep it locked until you get in it to leave.*


I seem to have a disconnect between paying with the card and all the questions.  I usually pay with cash but then you have to walk into the station give the pump number walk back out and by that time it’s become difficult.  As to the gas it’s 87 the middle button.  There are different places on different pumps you pull down but I should be able to figure it out.  I am going to practice once my hip heals.

Hes already agree this.  He never let me put gas in the car before on a regular basis, but he’s so big now it’s hard for him to get in and out of the car so I said why don’t you let me do the gas until I have it down pat so you can sit in the car especially since you have pneumonia again.

Yes, I figure I might need help with holding the handle cause of my hands but I think there is a way to clip it and it shuts off automatically.  Once I had the brain bleed I ended up giving up a lot of my independence.  Necessary at the time, but in retrospect a bad choice.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Yup


Murrmurr said:


> Did you mean you _can't_?
> 
> Too bad Uber would be too expensive for a trip that distance.


Yes, can’t


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I seem to have a disconnect between paying with the card and all the questions.  I usually pay with cash but then you have to walk into the station give the pump number walk back out and by that time it’s become difficult.  As to the gas it’s 87 the middle button.  There are different places on different pumps you pull down but I should be able to figure it out.  I am going to practice once my hip heals.
> 
> Hes already agree this.  He never let me put gas in the car before on a regular basis, but he’s so big now it’s hard for him to get in and out of the car so I said why don’t you let me do the gas until I have it down pat so you can sit in the car especially since you have pneumonia again.
> 
> Yes, I figure I might need help with holding the handle cause of my hands but I think there is a way to clip it and it shuts off automatically.  Once I had the brain bleed I ended up giving up a lot of my independence.  Necessary at the time, but in retrospect a bad choice.


Not all pumps have that clip. Most do, but some don't, so you should probably make sure of it before you pay.

Sounds like you've got it under control, but again, and PLEASE, remember to ALWAYS lock your car when you get gas if you're alone!


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2021)

Also, Aneeda; some gas stations let you pay at the pump now. The pump has like an ATM on it. Those might be easier for you because all the questions are in writing on a little display screen and you're not pressured by people in line or a crabby cashier, plus there's no walking to and from. Just seems to me that would be a lot easier on you.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Not all pumps have that clip. Most do, but some don't, so you should probably make sure of it before you pay.
> 
> Sounds like you've got it under control, but again, and PLEASE, remember to ALWAYS lock your car when you get gas if you're alone!


I will, thanks and I will check for that clip.  I can learn all this stuff.  That’s why I took a year lease and planned stuff out so I didn’t have to rush.  I did not expect him to say what he said and that caught me off guard so I just need a few extra precautions like the life line thing.  It should all still work out.

I canceled the next appointment with the ortho surgeon.  What upsets me is I told them I was having issues and having trouble tracking stuff and was upset and stressed out and wanted to talk and they treat me like I was a mass shooter, for real.  Also they knew it was true cause the ER called them Sunday.

The doctor put his arm around my shoulders and forcibly walked me onto the exam room.  He left and the PA checked my incision, and I left.  Never going back.  I guess I made a real fool of myself .  Oh, well, now that both hips are fixed I don’t need to see him again.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 1, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I will, thanks and I will check for that clip.  I can learn all this stuff.  That’s why I took a year lease and planned stuff out so I didn’t have to rush.  I did not expect him to say what he said and that caught me off guard so I just need a few extra precautions like the life line thing.  It should all still work out.
> 
> I canceled the next appointment with the ortho surgeon.  What upsets me is I told them I was having issues and having trouble tracking stuff and was upset and stressed out and wanted to talk and they treat me like I was a mass shooter, for real.  Also they knew it was true cause the ER called them Sunday.
> 
> The doctor put his arm around my shoulders and forcibly walked me onto the exam room.  He left and the PA checked my incision, and I left.  Never going back.  I guess I made a real fool of myself .  Oh, well, now that both hips are fixed I don’t need to see him again.


I guess they think you're just a nutty old lady who has to gripe. I'm glad you're done with them.
Yeah, fuggetabout-it. Move on.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 1, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I guess they think you're just a nutty old lady who has to gripe. I'm glad you're done with them.
> Yeah, fuggetabout-it. Move on.


The nutty old lady part might be true


----------



## Devi (Jul 1, 2021)

Well, I'm worried about you. Don't stop posting here, or I'll (we'll) wonder what happened. <please>


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 2, 2021)

Devi said:


> Well, I'm worried about you. Don't stop posting here, or I'll (we'll) wonder what happened. <please>


Thanks @Devi -I’ll try as I really need the support of you guys.  The depression has now hit me and it seems I just wasted 50 years of my life.  I am kind of at a loss as to how I feel.  You just don’t suddenly hate someone you’ve loved and cared for, for so long.  Even though there were and are plenty of times that I really really didn’t like his behaviors and the way he treated me.

Plus we married in the church which I took and take seriously even though I no longer go to church.  I am pretty confused.  Then my support system, at home, completely failed .  I had planned a better life, but I did not and can not plan an escape from this situation.

I am still old, I am still disabled, I still need my hip to heal. I still need to find some sort of job.  I still need his financial support, and his medical plan-.  There is not enough money for us both to live seperately.  Seems the only change is I now know how much he hates and despites me.

That is hard to live with; and then hitting the natural progression of making my children members of the sandwich generation where they are starting to view me as a burden rather than a person.   Seems I was sitting under the dump truck when the shit fell.  .  

But there’s always self pity to keep me warm.  . My sons girlfriend brought me a box of sees candy for my surgery.  I only have that candy when she buys it for me and I get sick to my stomach when I look at the box.  I am so sad.  Told husband to eat it.  Sorry, I am whinnying.


----------



## hollydolly (Jul 2, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Also, Aneeda; some gas stations let you pay at the pump now. The pump has like an ATM on it. Those might be easier for you because all the questions are in writing on a little display screen and you're not pressured by people in line or a crabby cashier, plus there's no walking to and from. Just seems to me that would be a lot easier on you.


yes most of our petrol  garages  allow several of the pumps to be card payment only....


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## Sliverfox (Jul 2, 2021)

Aneeda,, by  thinking  over the things he said is a form of  him controlling your mind.
He realizes the  drugs you are taking  for pain or even your regular meds  can effect your thoughts/reactions.

If you didn't have the sore hip to care for ,, I'd  suggest a long walk to refresh your mind.

Can you sit  near your  lovely garden to  clear your head?


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 2, 2021)

Sliverfox said:


> Aneeda,, by  thinking  over the things he said is a form of  him controlling your mind.
> He realizes the  drugs you are taking  for pain or even your regular meds  can effect your thoughts/reactions.
> 
> If you didn't have the sore hip to care for ,, I'd  suggest a long walk to refresh your mind.
> ...


You know I agree with you.  I think he planned to say something that would hurt me badly for a long time and he did.  He really crushed me.  And because of the pain meds I can’t think straight.  I am not going to do anything rash.  I just have to let my hip heal.

Lots of bees by my garden which is huge now.  I’ll try and take new pictures


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 2, 2021)

I am having a hard time functioning today.


----------



## Sliverfox (Jul 2, 2021)

If your  thoughts are cloudy,, perhaps you are low on fluid?

Drink water or  whatever you like to drink.

Something to cheer you


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 2, 2021)

Sliverfox said:


> If your  thoughts are cloudy,, perhaps you are low on fluid?
> 
> Drink water or  whatever you like to drink.
> View attachment 171906
> Something to cheer you


I am not drinking or eating well because of the pain I am In, and I take a pain killer every 4 hours.  I just have to wait, no impulsive behavior.  But thanks


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 2, 2021)

When I walk away from the iPad I am closing this app, I don’t want him to read what I am writing


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## Jules (Jul 2, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Aneeda72 said:
> 
> 
> > Lots of bees by my garden which is huge now.


That’s wonderful, maybe not for sitting, but for the environment.  

Never leave your iPad open.  He’s feeling mean.  Don’t let him get any ammunition.  He might improve when he feels better; he’s taking his frustration out on you.  


Aneeda72 said:


> Aneeda72 said:
> 
> 
> > When I walk away from the iPad I am closing this app, I don’t want him to read what I am writing


----------



## Aneeda72 (Jul 3, 2021)

Devi said:


> It may go from verbal threat to ... further. Get out of there, Aneeda.


I decided to read up on domestic abuse issues to try and get an ideal on how either how physically safe I am in my current situation or how much danger I might be in since he has never physically harmed me.  Plus, he is mentally ill, I am sure.

Apparently, the worst thing you can do is leave.

Due to all the movies I have seen which contain physical domestic abuse situations I kind of thought this the case, and my reading confirmed it.  Instead, the articles recommended you formulate a plan, with the professional help of a therapist, and stick to the plan.  I do have a plan.  I would like to see a therapist but, you know, I can not drive right now.

Which is why I sought help from two doctors that I already had appointments with and who would not even listen to what I was trying to say, let alone help me.  

This afternoon he must have had a realization that what he said was very wrong.  He tried to claimed he did not say it.  It was an odd conversation and he finally realized that I was not backing down as I had in the past.  Plus I told him I had written down what he said, word for word.  Things got even odder.

Two weeks and the house should close.  Then I will be fine.  It’s going to be a long two weeks.


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## Devi (Jul 3, 2021)

Okay. Having a plan sounds good. Leaving sounds great.

I'm not sure why you'd need to see a therapist, though.


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## Sliverfox (Jul 3, 2021)

Any  legal  service you can contact?


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 3, 2021)

Sliverfox said:


> Any  legal  service you can contact?


No, because he has not really done anything.  See, I had him tested, it showed he has a lot of rage in general not rage directed at me.  In other words, it was nothing personnel about me, I am just there.  Kind of like a person who hates his neighbor and kills the neighbors dog.

The psychologist who tested him recommended he get therapy, he won’t.  That therapists recommended I get therapy to learn ways to cope with him, my husband, but I’ve already had that therapy, in a way, in learning to deal with mentally ill foster kids.  The psychologist also said I need to be very careful of him and I am.

The problem is you can’t reason with crazy.  Most of the time he’s fine, but I noticed in the last couple years he is changing.  And in the last six months, some stuff has happened which I won’t talk about, but he’s got a bit stranger.  I am going back to his doctor and ask for more testing, different, testing.  My husband has agreed to more testing as even he realizes something is going on.

All those years ago he got blown off that tank in Viet Nam.  All these years, the veterans administration has denied all these brain injury claims to veterans who are clearly a bit off.  I still think in addition to PTSD and the increasing rage issues there has got to be some kind of brain damage.  Plus 3/4 years ago he had an MRI (before the testing) which showed he not only had a small bullet fragment in his forehead from a childhood accident, but his brain was shrinking.

There has got to be some medical issue with his brain.  But, in order for me to track down the problem and find an approximate solution, I have to be alive.  . So I had to do what I didn’t want to do when last night he tried to deny what he said to me.  

I told him I had written down what he said and told people.  Sadly, I also told him, if he kept it up I’d be forced to see if there were any charges I could bring against him.  I was pretty clear on this.  I do NOT want to do that -it would impact both our lives and wouldn’t help in the long run.

But him saying that “he cared less for me than the dog he had rehomed”, that’s a darn big red flag, and I pointed out to him you go to jail if you hurt a dog, you go to prison if you hurt me.  He seemed in a more reasonable mood last night and listened.  I have no ideal what triggered all this except he was not happy about seeing the doctor again and learning he still had pneumonia.

I think there is no current danger to me.  I only need to get through the next two weeks, which is what I told him, and I will then leave if he wants or stay.  But I have a plan either way.  

I need to see a therapist to get all this on record and, if necessary, be able to commit him, again if necessary to a hospital not a jail. Or, hopefully, medication cause he needs medication.   I don’t think jail or a hospital will be necessary but just in case.  I think the pneumonia and less oxygen is playing a part too in this.  Anyway, I plan on seeing a therapist and getting advice.


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## Jules (Jul 4, 2021)

So difficult for you.  Perhaps it would be good to start a thread in General Discussions to ask for advice.  Writing everything down is imperative and send a secure copy to other safe people.  Maybe his doctors will help.  

Every time my ex-husband was upset about a situation, he took it out on me.  

There are more older women leaving their spouses now.  A friend wrote about her situation on Facebook.  I don’t know if she belonged to a specific group for advice.  

OT- Have you hired some movers to help you?


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 4, 2021)

Jules said:


> So difficult for you.  Perhaps it would be good to start a thread in General Discussions to ask for advice.  Writing everything down is imperative and send a secure copy to other safe people.  Maybe his doctors will help.
> 
> Every time my ex-husband was upset about a situation, he took it out on me.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I just don’t understand why it happened, why he chose this particular time, as it makes it more sinister since I’m am pretty helpless right now.  It was one of the few times we were not disagreeing about anything.  Anyway, I finally told my daughter about it, hated to do it, but it will make me safer by doing so.

We don’t need movers.  They bought most of our furniture as well.  Nothing heavy to move.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 7, 2021)

So it was necessary to involve our oldest children in this mess, and as it stands now, after the house is sold we move to the apartment for a limited amount of time, take care of bills and such, and then separate.  We considered divorce, but if we divorce I loose his medical insurance so that is out of the question.

Anyway, we will see.  It’s an changing evolving crisis as he still refuses to see a therapist.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 8, 2021)

And this morning, we are not separating.  The on going drama of a husband who has lost his mind.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 8, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> And this morning, we are not separating.  The on going drama of a husband who has lost his mind.


But in earlier posts you talked about living separately under one roof, right? Or am I wrong? 
That's not a bad idea, imo, if he'll stay in his quarters.

Do you have medical power of attorney over him? If you do, or if you can get it, then _you_ can decide about psychiatric therapy for him.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 8, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> But in earlier posts you talked about living separately under one roof, right? Or am I wrong?
> That's not a bad idea, imo, if he'll stay in his quarters.
> 
> Do you have medical power of attorney over him? If you do, or if you can get it, then _you_ can decide about psychiatric therapy for him.


Yes, we will live separately under one roof.  There is not enough time left in my life time to get over what he said, did, and did not do.  To me, our lives and relationship has and will continue to change over time.  As I withdraw further and further from interaction with him.  While I did not die that day, something did.

I doubt he will notice a difference as the only person he sees anymore is himself.  Having said this, learning NOT to care for someone and putting myself first will be very hard for me.  But that choice I made, 50 years ago, was for better or worst and I got worst.   It is what it is.

He has agreed to therapy for now, but he has agreed to many things over the years and there is never follow through.  So, I don’t believe him and I won’t force him.  People have to want to change, to change, and he doesn’t.  I’ve said my piece to anyone that matters.  I am unhappy I had to involve our grown children.

But he listened to my son, and now my son is more aware of his actual personality.  The crisis is over, things should settle down, and I will adjust.

I have no choice, neither of us does at this point in time.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 8, 2021)

"learning NOT to care for someone and putting myself first will be very hard for me."

I can relate. It gets easy once you let it start to roll but that can take a while. It helps to have something to care for, like a pet. Doesn't have to be a dog. Could be a goldfish or whatever, just something to focus on ....after you get settled.


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## Jules (Jul 8, 2021)

Maybe the layout of your new place will help, if you both can have your own spaces.  Do you have your own TVs and computers and cars?


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 8, 2021)

Jules said:


> Maybe the layout of your new place will help, if you both can have your own spaces.  Do you have your own TVs and computers and cars?


We had our own spaces here, in this house.  The sale of the house allows us to, once again, be debt free which is important to me.  If we ever buy a house again, and I don’t think we will, it will not be a money pit.

Yes, except I do not have a car.  I gave it up to afford the house he wanted  to buy.  I’ve given up a lots of things over the years for him.  Another stupid mistake that placed me in this position.  I am undecided on whether to buy another car.  Covid is still lurking, the India variety is here, and Covid is going up again.

There are not that many places I care to go and my son said he will take me when I want to go somewhere.  Husband and I can not get along in a car, best I avoid the experience for a long while until I learn to not engage with him at all.  Old habits are hard to break.

When I am forced to go in a car with him as my son works and I have doc appointments, I will have to ride in the back seat.  He is so heavy he can’t turn around to talk to me plus I will put my air buds in and listen to my cell phone.  He loves to argue, so the trick is not to even talk, not to engage.  I am doing that now.

One word replies, short sentences when I need him to do something, no response or re-asking when he does not.  It just avoids issues and I want to avoid issues.


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## Ronni (Jul 9, 2021)

I hate that you have to live like this, but I’m glad to hear that you’re formulating strategies to keep yourself disengaged from the toxicity. It’s far from ideal but given what you have to work with I think you’re doing an excellent job of working within the parameters you have.

It would be ideal if at some point you could work out to get your own transportation. It’s unclear from what you said whether or not you’re going to be able to do that, but it sure would help you maintain your autonomy.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 9, 2021)

Ronni said:


> I hate that you have to live like this, but I’m glad to hear that you’re formulating strategies to keep yourself disengaged from the toxicity. It’s far from ideal but given what you have to work with I think you’re doing an excellent job of working within the parameters you have.
> 
> It would be ideal if at some point you could work out to get your own transportation. It’s unclear from what you said whether or not you’re going to be able to do that, but it sure would help you maintain your autonomy.


Thanks.  I hate that I have to live this way as well.  But I am determined not to become a bitter old woman mumbling under my breathe against the woes of my world.  . I will learn to cope.  It just takes a while.

I could get my own car after the sale of the house and I may,  but there is no rush.  Due to my hip I cannot drive as yet anyway.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 12, 2021)

I ask my husband what day is the cable going off at this house, he says the 21.  Hmm, why is it being turned off on the 21?  Because, he says, it is being turned on at the apartment on the 21.  But, I say, we have to be out of this house on the 19th.

He says, yes, I know but if I turn the cable off on the 19th we won’t have cable.    Hmm.  But I say, since we are out of this house on the 19th we won’t have cable anyway cause we don’t live here anymore.  He just stares blankly at me.  

After the third time, he goes oh, I see.  So I should have the cable turned off on the 19th?  Yup.  Then we will be without cable for 2 days?  Yup, cause they can not install it till the 21 at the apartment.  

This is from the guy who says I am useless and he wants to live alone and take care of himself.


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## Judycat (Jul 12, 2021)

As long as you have somewhere to go after the 19th, you're doing great. My husband would assure me that everything is taken care of, but surprise, there would be no apartment to go to. He just talked with someone about it once and didn't worry about it afterward, and his advice to me was neither should I.  What? Don't worry we'll figure something out. Like what? He had no idea.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 12, 2021)

Judycat said:


> As long as you have somewhere to go after the 19th, you're doing great. My husband would assure me that everything is taken care of, but surprise, there would be no apartment to go to. He just talked with someone about it once and didn't worry about it afterward, and his advice to me was neither should I.  What? Don't worry we'll figure something out. Like what? He had no idea.


Yup, that is why I keep double checking as I have had similar experiences.  The worst was right after our wedding when he was supposed to have a place for us -him, me, my three year old to live in.  He did not.  Lesson learned and never forgotten.


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## Judycat (Jul 12, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Yup, that is why I keep double checking as I have had similar experiences.  The worst was right after our wedding when he was supposed to have a place for us -him, me, my three year old to live in.  He did not.  Lesson learned and never forgotten.


Yep you have to be ever vigilant, I get that.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 16, 2021)

He is still being very difficult and has a level of anger right under the surface which pops up every now and then.  I try very hard not to contradict him, my tongue is red from biting it.  .  As we are moving this weekend a certain amount of interaction is necessary and I am being cautious.

*I will not be on for a few days as our wifi ends here soon and does not restart to the 21st.*


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## hollydolly (Jul 16, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> He is still being very difficult and has a level of anger right under the surface which pops up every now and then.  I try very hard not to contradict him, my tongue is red from biting it.  .  As we are moving this weekend a certain amount of interaction is necessary and I am being cautious.
> 
> *I will not be on for a few days as our wifi ends here soon and does not restart to the 21st.*


Well we'll  be hoping everything goes well  for you Aneeda.. and when you get back on, you're all settled in the new apartment


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## Devi (Jul 16, 2021)

When the move is all done and your wifi is up, please check in here so we know you're okay.


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## katlupe (Jul 24, 2021)

You know I hate to offer advice unless asked and knowing you, you may already have this covered........but, try to put aside as much money as you can separately. Without him knowing. And if your name is on any joint accounts such as bank or credit cards I would change that too. I did that months in advance without any thought that I would actually be leaving. It is sad that sometimes a marriage becomes mainly about money but it does.

Whatever you do, now is the time to put yourself first.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 24, 2021)

katlupe said:


> You know I hate to offer advice unless asked and knowing you, you may already have this covered........but, try to put aside as much money as you can separately. Without him knowing. And if your name is on any joint accounts such as bank or credit cards I would change that too. I did that months in advance without any thought that I would actually be leaving. It is sad that sometimes a marriage becomes mainly about money but it does.
> 
> Whatever you do, now is the time to put yourself first.


Thanks, I have thought about doing this, but, , it’s HIS money.  I only make 800 dollars a month.  You cannot take your name off a joint account unless you close the account.  But finances are not an issue and never have been.  Even if we separated he would be fair with the finances where most men would not.

He’s just so strange.


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## katlupe (Jul 24, 2021)

When I left I had taken my name off all the joint credit cards and his name off two of mine. I opened my own bank account for my social security check to be direct deposited in. I only was getting $400. plus had to pay $134. out of that for Medicare part B. He did not want me to sign up for it. He didn't need it himself because he uses the VA for health care. After I left I was able to remove my name from his account but had to sign a paper and he had to sign it too. Never had to close it but it is a credit union. 

Mine would have been fair, he just didn't have anything to give me. He did however, help me move out which took weeks. 

Sounds like you have things under control. Now just heal and hopefully enjoy your new place.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 24, 2021)

katlupe said:


> When I left I had taken my name off all the joint credit cards and his name off two of mine. I opened my own bank account for my social security check to be direct deposited in. I only was getting $400. plus had to pay $134. out of that for Medicare part B. He did not want me to sign up for it. He didn't need it himself because he uses the VA for health care. After I left I was able to remove my name from his account but had to sign a paper and he had to sign it too. Never had to close it but it is a credit union.
> 
> Mine would have been fair, he just didn't have anything to give me. He did however, help me move out which took weeks.
> 
> Sounds like you have things under control. Now just heal and hopefully enjoy your new place.


I remind myself, frequently, what he said and what he did.  He is trying to pretend that none of it happened, but it did.  I will never let my guard down again as I now know that he is just “faking it”.  He wants our relationship to return to our “normal”, but that will not happen.

I am very cautious.  Yes, we stay together for finances and other reason which prevent us from having two households, but I am no longer under the illusion that he cares for me at all.  I will learn not to care for him.  But, like two distance roommates, we can make it work because it has to work.  I appreciate your concern and suggestions.

You are a much stronger woman than I will ever be.  @katlupe


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## katlupe (Jul 24, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I remind myself, frequently, what he said and what he did.  He is trying to pretend that none of it happened, but it did.  I will never let my guard down again as I now know that he is just “faking it”.  He wants our relationship to return to our “normal”, but that will not happen.
> 
> I am very cautious.  Yes, we stay together for finances and other reason which prevent us from having two households, but I am no longer under the illusion that he cares for me at all.  I will learn not to care for him.  But, like two distance roommates, we can make it work because it has to work.  I appreciate your concern and suggestions.
> 
> You are a much stronger woman than I will ever be.  @katlupe


Thank you, but I wasn't always strong. Actually, meeting Sonny online is what helped me make the move. Before that I had no one to talk to or get help from. I didn't even have transportation to go somewhere to find help. I kept a journal though and when I was in the process of leaving he acted completely different trying to get me to stay. I would read what I had written and say nope. He told me I should throw that journal away and stop looking at it.


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## Sliverfox (Jul 26, 2021)

Hope you are doing  better today.

The only person  making  you  hurry with  getting  your apartment  settled is you.
Please  take time to heal.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 26, 2021)

Sliverfox said:


> Hope you are doing  better today.
> 
> The only person  making  you  hurry with  getting  your apartment  settled is you.
> Please  take time to heal.


You are right, as usual.  I just hate clutter and mess.  I am unpacking and he is playing cards on his phone .  I ask him don’t you see the stuff that needs to be done.  He replies no, what needs to be done.


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## Devi (Jul 26, 2021)

Thanks for checking in, Aneeda. Glad to see you are okay.


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## Sliverfox (Jul 26, 2021)

Aneeda,, by now you should realize men See things Differently than women.
What we think  is a big deal, example  is a neat house with everything in its place.

Men throw  down    clothes, tools, newspapers ,letters  where ever then expect them to be there when they need them.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 28, 2021)

Men may see things differently but that does not make them right.  Nor does that mean that women have to put up with pretended ignorance.  My husband, when we were first married, used to throw his underwear on the floor.  I told him, several times, I was not his mother and to pick up after himself.  He did not.

So I picked his underwear up, and threw it away.  Course he ran out and asked where I put his clean underwear.  . I replied that since he threw it on the floor, I assumed it was trash, and threw it away.  Lesson learned.


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## hollydolly (Jul 28, 2021)

Sliverfox said:


> Aneeda,, by now you should realize men See things Differently than women.
> What we think  is a big deal, example  is a neat house with everything in its place.
> 
> Men throw  down    clothes, tools, newspapers ,letters  where ever then expect them to be there when they need them.


except my husband and I are polar opposites...my o/h is a neat freak.. I'm messy.. I'll leave papers, and stationary.. and pens on my desk.. a cardigan on the sofa.. and my specs.. etc... all day long and not  clear up till late in the day .... I don't make my bed until it's been aired a few hours...

My  o/h makes his  bed before he leaves for work at 5.30am... and everything in his closet and his office is as neat as a pin


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 28, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> except my husband and I are polar opposites...my o/h is a neat freak.. I'm messy.. I'll leave papers, and stationary.. and pens on my desk.. a cardigan on the sofa.. and my specs.. etc... all day long and not  clear up till late in the day .... I don't make my bed until it's been aired a few hours...
> 
> My  o/h makes his  bed before he leaves for work at 5.30am... and everything in his closet and his office is as neat as a pin


Well, if you throw your underwear on the floor and leave it, remind me not to visit


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 28, 2021)

Anyhow all my pictures have been rescued 

Husband, in true jerk form, put two containers of my framed pictures of OUR children in the small storage off the patio of our apartment.  I had asked him to check out there to see if he had done this.  He did, said they were not there.  He lied, of course.  Just to upset me, which he likes to do.

Yesterday, after searching the entire house and the rented storage area, I again asked him was he sure he did not put those containers in that small storage area.  He said I’ll check again.  I asked from the door way were the containers were out there.  No reply.  He was out there a while so I went to see what he was doing.

He had open a see through container which, yup, had the framed pictures in it.  I asked him why he had lied about knowing the pictures were out there.  He just started at me.  . Anyway, most of my pictures were now recovered, but some were still missing.  Another search of the apartment revealed that he had shoved a container of pictures far under my bed.  . Now I have them all.


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## hollydolly (Jul 28, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Well, if you throw your underwear on the floor and leave it, remind me not to visit


LOL... what about if it was my husbands' underwear ?


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 28, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> LOL... what about if it was my husbands' underwear ?


Yup, still not coming over,


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## hollydolly (Jul 28, 2021)

Aneeda, seriously now.. are you sure he lied?.. you know your husband very well of course, but my o/h is the worlds' worst at not seeing things directly in front of his face and will swear up and down somethings' not there when it clearly is, but he just doesn't look properly .. 

but if your husband is just lying and knowing he's making extra work for himself.. do you think he might be ill ?


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## Sliverfox (Jul 28, 2021)

I agree with Holly about husbands  not seeing something that is in plain sight.
A week doesn't  pass that I don' t hear,,"Have you seen my wallet?'
It is usually under papers on his  desk.

I can' t point  fingers because I'm supposed to know where ALL the cards are for  cars  & trucks.

Couldn't  find one   for the car his cousin drives.


Cleaning my desk yesterday  ,, I found  the cards  for it.
Of course hubby had to make remark about  how I don't keep track of  those.


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## Ronni (Jul 28, 2021)

Sliverfox said:


> Aneeda,, by now you should realize men See things Differently than women.
> What we think  is a big deal, example  is a neat house with everything in its place.
> 
> Men throw  down    clothes, tools, newspapers ,letters  where ever then expect them to be there when they need them.


Not all men. My ex was pretty much as you describe. Ron on the other hand is as neat and fastidious as I am. His closet is organized. He makes the bed, loads and unloads the dishwasher, vacuums at least as often as I do, puts  all his dirty clothes IN the hamper, not just the general vicinity etc.


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## hollydolly (Jul 28, 2021)

Ronni said:


> Not all men. My ex was pretty much as you describe. Ron on the other hand is as neat and fastidious as I am. His closet is organized. He makes the bed, loads and unloads the dishwasher, vacuums at least as often as I do, puts  all his dirty clothes IN the hamper, not just the general vicinity etc.


yep I just said that about my own husband ...


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## feywon (Jul 28, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I get him up at 6:30 as agreed.  We are going shopping, senior hour, at the WinCo.  You getting up?  Nope, he says, you go.  Yup, I say.  I rarely drive now.  Rarely go anywhere by myself.  The reason will become apparent.  How do I get there?  What street is it on?  7200 south, on the east side.  K.
> 
> Most of our streets are numbered not named.  We live on the west side, at 5400, so easy.  After half an hour can’t fine it.  Sigh.  Finally decide to drive down 7000, cross to 7800 it’s got to be between the two.  Nope, its on 7000. I go into WinCo.  When I finally get home I say to him you gave me the wrong street. Yup, he says with a smile.
> 
> ...


This sort of thing is one of the reasons i've been quite content to be without a husband for almost 22 years now.  If i can't have partner that gives me the same help and consideration i give him, and who will take responsibility for things that need doing for home/yard---i'm sure not going to have one around creating MORE work for me.  i have no doubt there are men that would be real partners in life out there---but at this age most those are happily married. And to solitude loving me it seems like more work than it's worth trying to find a single one.  i have some wonderful male friends, most of them married to women i'd be friends with even if hadn't met them thru their hubbys.  (Some were in fact---they're in second marriages that began at Eons and i knew both parties there before they got together.)


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## Sliverfox (Jul 28, 2021)

I don't know if my mother even tried to 'train' hubby whe he lived  at home.

My mother was   cooking  for  hubby while I was in hospital after  birth of our  first son.

One of the first things she said  was,"He  never wrings out  the wash coth when he's done."
And he still doesn't.


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## Judycat (Jul 28, 2021)

My husband would often hatch a really dumb plan. I would tell him, if you do A, B is bound to happen. He would carry on with his plan and B would happen. Then he'd complain about it.  He'd also say it's because I made it happen. Ya I have supernatural powers far above the workings of men.


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## officerripley (Jul 28, 2021)

Judycat said:


> My husband would often hatch a really dumb plan. I would tell him, if you do A, B is bound to happen. He would carry on with his plan and B would happen. Then he'd complain about it.  He'd also say it's because I made it happen. Ya I have supernatural powers far above the workings of men.


Mine has done that to me too: "I swear; you make some of this stuff happen by worrying about it!" And if I scoff at that, I get that ol' classic, "Oh, I was just kidding! Can't you take a joke?!" I hear that in my sleep at night: "Can't you take a joke? Can't you take a joke?")


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## Sliverfox (Jul 28, 2021)

Walked past  the fridge, magnet on the  door is  the Serenity Prayer.

Grant me  the serenity to accept the things  I cannot  change.
The courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom  to know the difference


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## cdestroyer (Jul 28, 2021)

feywon?i have a little story for ya.......
years ago whilst online in,at that time the first virtual chat room, i was bouncing from one room to another just looking for chat on a subject i liked.finding none i left and went to a fav room..a woman from one of the rooms i had been in came into my current room and we starting chatting.a month later we were still chatting and becoming closer together. I said I had some feelings for her and offered to move to be with her..she wanted me to pay rent and help with the groceries and i agreed. so i moved.........i was in portland oregon and she was in jacksonville florida......she had been married three times before and had two sons..her mother lived nearby and was an overbearing spinster, both had taught school..
for ex mil type moving was no big deal. after the first month i knew it was a big mistake. she had friends on the internet and that is where she spent most of her time...i fixed broken windows,doors, painted trim,painted an entire bedroom for her, repaired a jacuzzi, mowed the lawn,planted flowers,picked and packed fruit from fig trees and grapefruit trees, vacuumed the house, cleaned my bathroom,she did do the laundry and i never left anything lying about...
I installed vertical blinds, removed sliding metal closet doors and installed bifold ones,,mowed her mothers lawn, fixed her mothers screen door, cut down old trees at her mothers....she did have two sons one was a not so good drinker/drug user the other worked for large insurance company,,, after three years and the death of my mother(inheritance that i used to buy my own vehicle) she asked me to leave..


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## officerripley (Jul 28, 2021)

cdestroyer said:


> feywon?i have a little story for ya.......
> years ago whilst online in,at that time the first virtual chat room, i was bouncing from one room to another just looking for chat on a subject i liked.finding none i left and went to a fav room..a woman from one of the rooms i had been in came into my current room and we starting chatting.a month later we were still chatting and becoming closer together. I said I had some feelings for her and offered to move to be with her..she wanted me to pay rent and help with the groceries and i agreed. so i moved.........i was in portland oregon and she was in jacksonville florida......she had been married three times before and had two sons..her mother lived nearby and was an overbearing spinster, both had taught school..
> for ex mil type moving was no big deal. after the first month i knew it was a big mistake. she had friends on the internet and that is where she spent most of her time...i fixed broken windows,doors, painted trim,painted an entire bedroom for her, repaired a jacuzzi, mowed the lawn,planted flowers,picked and packed fruit from fig trees and grapefruit trees, vacuumed the house, cleaned my bathroom,she did do the laundry and i never left anything lying about...
> I installed vertical blinds, removed sliding metal closet doors and installed bifold ones,,mowed her mothers lawn, fixed her mothers screen door, cut down old trees at her mothers....she did have two sons one was a not so good drinker/drug user the other worked for large insurance company,,, after three years and the death of my mother(inheritance that i used to buy my own vehicle) she asked me to leave..


Sounds like a similar thing that happened to my late brother with his fifth (and last) wife; he met her online, she talked him into moving to Texas with her, unhappiness and incompatibility ensued and he got divorced and came back here to where he was living when he died. (Found out from my stepgrandniece that he was looking online for wife #6 before he died; poor bro, he had a hard time finding the right one; with his faults, I still miss him.)


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## RadishRose (Jul 28, 2021)

cdestroyer said:


> feywon?i have a little story for ya.......
> years ago whilst online in,at that time the first virtual chat room, i was bouncing from one room to another just looking for chat on a subject i liked.finding none i left and went to a fav room..a woman from one of the rooms i had been in came into my current room and we starting chatting.a month later we were still chatting and becoming closer together. I said I had some feelings for her and offered to move to be with her..she wanted me to pay rent and help with the groceries and i agreed. so i moved.........i was in portland oregon and she was in jacksonville florida......she had been married three times before and had two sons..her mother lived nearby and was an overbearing spinster, both had taught school..
> for ex mil type moving was no big deal. after the first month i knew it was a big mistake. she had friends on the internet and that is where she spent most of her time...i fixed broken windows,doors, painted trim,painted an entire bedroom for her, repaired a jacuzzi, mowed the lawn,planted flowers,picked and packed fruit from fig trees and grapefruit trees, vacuumed the house, cleaned my bathroom,she did do the laundry and i never left anything lying about...
> I installed vertical blinds, removed sliding metal closet doors and installed bifold ones,,mowed her mothers lawn, fixed her mothers screen door, cut down old trees at her mothers....she did have two sons one was a not so good drinker/drug user the other worked for large insurance company,,, after three years and the death of my mother(inheritance that i used to buy my own vehicle) she asked me to leave..


You were very good to her.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 28, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> Aneeda, seriously now.. are you sure he lied?.. you know your husband very well of course, but my o/h is the worlds' worst at not seeing things directly in front of his face and will swear up and down somethings' not there when it clearly is, but he just doesn't look properly ..
> 
> but if your husband is just lying and knowing he's making extra work for himself.. do you think he might be ill ?


What?  Yes, of course I think he is mentally ill and he is  pathological liar.  When he is standing there, with the box open, going through the pictures it’s hard to claim he didn’t “see” them.  Which is different from staring at something and not cognitively recognizing what it is-which is what you are talking about.

He does that as well.  I do that, everyone does that at one time or another.


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## hollydolly (Jul 28, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> What?  Yes, of course I think he is mentally ill and he is  pathological liar.  When he is standing there, with the box open, going through the pictures it’s hard to claim he didn’t “see” them.  Which is different from staring at something and not cognitively recognizing what it is-which is what you are talking about.
> 
> He does that as well.  I do that, everyone does that at one time or another.


well, it's not me you should be snapping at Aneeda , is it ?


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 28, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> well, it's not me you should be snapping at Aneeda , is it ?


What? I snapped at you?  I answered your question. 

Am I snappy?  Perhaps.  I just had a hip replacement.  The incision is infected and very painful.    I’ve unpacked everything and put it away with the exception of stuff in his room, which I put in his room.  I was very worried about those one of a kind missing pictures.  Especially the one of my oldest  son in his army uniform.

I am not sleeping.  My dog is gone and I will never have another one.  I am extremely grumpy, extremely.  The people who bought my house have contact us twice through our realtor, for gosh sakes, and I knew they would drive us crazy.

I could not buy a stupid car, and I can not go anywhere in the stupid car I have because it will change the pay off offer on it and I want it paid off.  I still don’t have access to my money from the house pay off because Monday was a holiday here.  So I still can not pay various bills.

And even if I did have my money, my stamina is in the crapper so a major shopping trip is out.  Plus, not to be too personal, but I have had diarrhea since my surgery as well and not sure what’s up with that so leaving the apartment is a problem.  And five weeks of diarrhea wears on you.

So AM I SNAPPISH?  Probably.

Sorry.  I will probably be snappish for a while yet @hollydolly-maybe for forever


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## officerripley (Jul 28, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> What? I snapped at you?  I answered your question.
> 
> Am I snappy?  Perhaps.  I just had a hip replacement.  The incision is infected and very painful.    I’ve unpacked everything and put it away with the exception of stuff in his room, which I put in his room.  I was very worried about those one of a kind missing pictures.  Especially the one of my oldest  son in his army uniform.
> 
> ...


"_My dog is gone and I will never have another one." _Boy I can sympathize with that. We shouldn'tve got this last dog, figured we were too old (we are) but living without a dog had me beyond snappish. (Some throwing stuff--nonbreakable but still.) So we got her and we love her but I'm already dreading when her time comes 'cuz I know there won't be any more. I don't know if it'd help or not, but what I plan to do after this dog is gone, is cuddle up with some soft stuffed doggies. Better than nothing, I guess. Hugs anyway.


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## hollydolly (Jul 28, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> What? I snapped at you?  I answered your question.
> 
> Am I snappy?  Perhaps.  I just had a hip replacement.  The incision is infected and very painful.    I’ve unpacked everything and put it away with the exception of stuff in his room, which I put in his room.  I was very worried about those one of a kind missing pictures.  Especially the one of my oldest  son in his army uniform.
> 
> ...


well not to me you won't.. that's for darn sure.... I've supported you all the way, but you're having a problem with someone in your home, and coming here and snapping at _me._. and threatening to do it possibly _forever._.  well nope, try it on somebody else see what response you get .. !!  There's a lot of us in Pain on this forum Aneeda  not just you, but we don't take it out on other people!!

You're on my ignore list  as from  now...


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 28, 2021)

officerripley said:


> "_My dog is gone and I will never have another one." _Boy I can sympathize with that. We shouldn'tve got this last dog, figured we were too old (we are) but living without a dog had me beyond snappish. (Some throwing stuff--nonbreakable but still.) So we got her and we love her but I'm already dreading when her time comes 'cuz I know there won't be any more. I don't know if it'd help or not, but what I plan to do after this dog is gone, is cuddle up with some soft stuffed doggies. Better than nothing, I guess. Hugs anyway.


I am actually considering a stuffed dog, but idk.  I hate not having a dog.  Thanks for the hugs.


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## Pinky (Jul 28, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I am actually considering a stuffed dog, but idk.  I hate not having a dog.  Thanks for the hugs.


Get a big stuffed dog that you can cuddle with in bed.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 28, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> well not to me you won't.. that's for darn sure.... I've supported you all the way, but you're having a problem with someone in your home, and coming here and snapping at _me._. and threatening to do it possibly _forever._.  well nope, try it on somebody else see what response you get .. !!  There's a lot of us in Pain on this forum Aneeda  not just you, but we don't take it out on other people!!
> 
> You're on my ignore list  as from  now...


I didn’t not say I would be snappish with you from now on.  I said I may be snappish, in general, from now on.  I am under a lot of stress.  Yes, you have been supportive, so thanks for that and I have been supportive of you as well.  I did not think I was snappish, but if others think I am, well, I let them judge, and agree with them.  I did apologize and explain.

If that is not good enough for you, then it’s not.  I know you have your own health problems currently and are not as open about them as I am about mine.  Yes, lots of us are in pain.  Yes, lots of us have issues with our living mates.  Yes, I know.

As for being on your ignore list, well, ok, that is your choice.


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