# Would You, Could you, Help Pay For a Parents Aging Care?



## Kitties (Aug 11, 2018)

I hope I don't get attacks for this. Yesterday I finally had time to get my hair cut. The woman I like hadn't been at this place in a time, finally returning. She said her 99 year old mother died last year and she had paid for part of her care at a very upscale assisted living place in my town. As a hair dresser, I don't know how she did it. I told her that must have left her very little money and she said it did.

My stepfather has had health issues and is back home. For now. Very stressful for me, with no support. Not even verbal support from my brother. In fact he puts me down from 3000 miles away. My stepfather has a decent income, much more than I will ever have yet it doesn't cover assisted living places, even at their starting price should he ever need it. He's 700 a month short. I could never supplement this. I work part time now and really at my age, I don't think I can work full time on my feet as an RN anymore. My extra time I had hoped to have for myself right now is gone, helping him and constant worry. Jumping when the phone rings. He has a medical button.

I also found out the day before he landed in the hospital he had written and sent 20 donation checks. He was likely donating more than 500 dollars a month receiving 700 if not more solicitations a month which I am battleling like crazy. Sending back, I have called and e mailed over 110 organizations and counting. Finally seeing some progress. I told my brother this who barked "JUST IGNORE IT" and then told my step father I didn't want to "collect" his mail. Some support huh.

I'll do what I can but helping to pay assisted living or other great expenses is impossible for me. Would you be able and willing? The home health social worker was out and asked if he had ever thought what he would do if he couldn't live independent. He said he never thought about it. He remains alert and oriented and the home RN told me he passed the cognitive test but clearly he does not make good decisions. He could never live with me as I hated the house I grew up in and have lived alone all my adult life. That is not an option.


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## Aunt Bea (Aug 11, 2018)

I didn't have to deal with the subject of paying for my parents care, my father and step-father both died at home and my mother died in an assisted living facility before her money ran out.

In my mother's case if she had outlived her money I would have transitioned her to Medicaid and helped with the little day to day expenses that Medicaid does not cover.  At the time under Medicaid, she would have received a monthly allowance of $50.00 and the assisted living facility only provided a bar of soap and a roll of toilet paper so there would have been many, many small items needed to provide a comfortable existence.  I feel terrible for the folks on Medicaid that have no family or friends to provide assistance, visit, run little errands, etc...

Good luck to you and your family.


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## jujube (Aug 11, 2018)

We'll have to face this with my 93-year-old mother eventually.  She has very little money in the bank, only $800 a month social security and a very, very small pension payment.  Her house is owned by the family trust now.  We all share paying her monthly bills (electric, gas, phone, etc.)  and replacing any appliances that break or repairs that have to be made on the house.  

She is and will continue to be violently opposed to selling the house to finance her stay in assisted care or a nursing home.  If she goes into assisted care, the house will have to be sold.  I expect a fight.  If she has to go into a nursing home, the "good" nursing homes around here charge a lot more than Medicaid is going to pay.  

One of my sisters is not going to be able to kick in more than the $100 per month she sends now.  If I kick in more than I'm doing right now, I can do it, but I will have to make some changes in my lifestyle.  Other two sisters are able to assist more but why should they have to kick in more than the rest of us just because they can?  It's really not fair to them.  

My mother isn't always totally wise with her money.  She spends quite a bit of money on whatever the latest faddish supplement is, buys a large supply and then loses interest in it.   At some point, one of us is going to have to say, "Mom, you can't buy that."  I just hope it isn't me.  

Anyhoo…….Kitties, you have my sympathy.  I wish I had some advice.


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## C'est Moi (Aug 11, 2018)

We would and we could, if necessary.   We only have one surviving parent, my 84 year old MIL who still lives in her home and seems to be doing well.  She is financially comfortable and has long-term care coverage if/when the time comes, though.  

My sympathies to you, Kitties.   You are in a tough spot.


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## Lethe200 (Aug 12, 2018)

It would have been very hard for us to pay for a parent's care. We had enough income to manage our own lives, but not enough cushion to pay for a full-care senior facility.

We were fortunate to dodge that bullet. My mother died peacefully in her sleep, in a decent low-income apt that was near my brother's home.

My MIL surprisingly listened to us and after about six years on her own, decided to sell her home. It was worth a lot of $$$$, far more than they originally paid. The RE market was starting to soften - it was the early days before the 2008 crash - but she got a good price. The sale gave her financial security for the rest of her life, no matter what might happen.

If she hadn't had that house to sell, yes we would have had to help her. It would have devastated our own retirement planning.

It's a very tough situation to be in. I hope you find a solution, Kitties.


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## Kitties (Aug 13, 2018)

Thanks for your replies. Yes, some older people will make decisions that make no sense like the supplements or the insane donating. Not that young people don't do stupid things like racking up credit card bills.

Since I'll have social security only, my savings is my only other security for myself and the cats. I'm single. I just can't give my savings up. It's a shame assisted living is so, so expensive. Those places must be very large money makers. I hate the thought of my stepfather in a nursing home. I don't know what the solution will be when the time comes if he doesn't just pass away. 

Unfortunately another sad reality is old people in declining health unwilling or unable to realize that they can't live alone similar to jujube's mother. My stepfather could get into that position also.


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## Lethe200 (Aug 15, 2018)

Sadly, the for-profit nursing chains are taking over market share from the non-profits. NP facilities always rate higher for quality of care over FP places.

Licensing, facility maintenance/improvements, and labor are costly. No company can get around that. It's simple mathematics. If you need 24/7 "eyes + feet on the floor", it's going to be expensive. Places that offer only senior living - any healthcare assistance must be arranged and provided privately - are less expensive but they still have to meet often-stringent local safety codes.

Medicaid pays for 80% of the residents in nursing (Skilled Care) facilities. Home healthcare programs are often part of county/state Medicaid assistance. The federal government (Medicare) doesn't cover most such costs.

If you are caring for an elderly relative or expect to be doing so, it would be wise to begin investigating the local area for where the Medicaid-accepting facilities are, and research their ratings in the annual government survey. Your state may also post on-line the results of their own periodic safety and complaint surveys, so check your state's website for details.

The GOP is pushing to turn Medicaid back into block grants. If so, you should expect to need seniors to fiercely lobby for "their piece of the pie" to state legislatures. It pits the disabled vs poor vs children vs seniors, and usually there's more losers than winners. It was why Congress got rid of block grants to begin with....but political memories, alas, are short.


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## RadishRose (Aug 15, 2018)

Sadly, some children, even those that have an extra room will not take in an aging parent, who could pay rent with their SS. 

  I can understand if dementia or Alzheimer's or any other disease that required 24 hour watching was an issue, but reasonably healthy single parents who raised a family might be given at least a chance to continue to be close to their family on a give and take basis.


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## tortiecat (Aug 15, 2018)

As an 88 year old mother and grandmother I would never live with either of my children.   
I love them dearly and they are always there for me, however, I am fortunate to be independant
financially, live in  retirement residence, in my own apartment.  When the time comes that I can
no longer do this, I will move to a place with more assistance.  Yes, this will be more expensive
but much better than being a burden to my family.
This may sound arrogant, but we saved all our lives for our retirement, and thank goodness we
will never have to depend on our family for financial assistance.


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## C'est Moi (Aug 15, 2018)

tortiecat said:


> As an 88 year old mother and grandmother I would never live with either of my children.
> I love them dearly and they are always there for me, however, I am fortunate to be independant
> financially, live in  retirement residence, in my own apartment.  When the time comes that I can
> no longer do this, I will move to a place with more assistance.  Yes, this will be more expensive
> ...



It doesn't sound arrogant at all; we have done the same.


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## RadishRose (Aug 15, 2018)

No, it doesn't sound arrogant at all, this is how you planned your lives and good for you in your success! 

I'm ok, too, but I would love to be in a house with some other family members to do for. I know a few others like me that wouldn't be a burden- in fact, financially just the opposite! Just feel better with someone else in the house.

I think that urge goes way back to the cave.


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## Lethe200 (Aug 20, 2018)

RadishRose said:


> ....I'm ok, too, but I would love to be in a house with some other family members to do for. I know a few others like me that wouldn't be a burden- in fact, financially just the opposite! Just feel better with someone else in the house.
> 
> I think that urge goes way back to the cave.



It's the social nature of humans. There are very few people proportionately who can do without regular social interaction. It is one of the biggest arguments I have against seniors who want to "stay forever in their homes." 

It made my MIL's dementia worse to lose her friends as they died or moved away. She *needed* social interaction and just living with us wasn't enough. She didn't like the restaurants we went to, the movies we saw, and couldn't understand the conversations we had with our friends. There was no one with common interests around. 

She was so much happier at the seniorcare facility we found [after much research, as detailed elsewhere]. She made new friends, found new interests, and people found her a joy to be with. Her appetite perked up, and her schedule became so busy we had to start making appointments to see her or she wouldn't have any time to spend with us!

Caring for someone is not just a physical or financial matter. Sometimes you need to be honest about *what you cannot do for someone,* that is just as important - socialization with their peers. You can love your parents, but you are _not _their peers. That generational difference is sometimes a very real barrier.


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## RadishRose (Aug 20, 2018)

You did the right thing for your mother. Clearly, her condition was more serious than could be handled at home.!


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## Falcon (Aug 20, 2018)

Of course I would.


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## Keesha (Aug 20, 2018)

My parents have enough that we don’t have to help them but if they didn’t and needed our help we would. We help with housework , yard work and taking the garbage out. 
There is no possible way though that I would ever consider living with my parents under any terms or circumstances. 
It just wouldn’t work.


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## Kitties (Aug 20, 2018)

I wouldn't either Keesha. I've said I will help my stepfather. I will however never do direct care. And I have lived alone my entire life after moving out of that house. I thought about it for a day and asked if he could live with me, if I had a place that had enough room. My answer had to be no. My mother was very verbally, but not usually physically abusive. I do remember once when I was probably 8 or 9. I had backed away from my raging mother ending up on the floor in a corner where she kicked me while on the floor. My step father stood behind her saying "don't do that _____, don't do that  _____" but never made a physical move to stop her. So what I am doing is al l I can do. 

My stepfather is also getting that old age weirdness where he's oriented but thinking strange things and clearly making poor decisions. Sorry, but he won't get my savings after wasting hundreds of dollars a month on stupid donations. He should have saved money the 4 years he lived here but he hasn't. Choosing instead to write checks to people he didn't know who will never help him. In return they sold his name all over and keep asking for more money. 

From the 700 or so pieces of mail a month, I had 90 last week. It's an improvement. Everyone has to be opened.


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## Sassycakes (Oct 18, 2018)

I was heart broken when my Mom had to go to a nursing home. She loved it and was very happy there and taken care of wonderfully. When she passed we had to give the Nursing facility her home. I was fine with that and so was my sister, but my brother and his wife were furious. My Sister-in-law said I was stupid because she felt that was our inheritance. Mind you my brother lived a distance away and never even sent my parents any thing for Birthdays, Holidays etc. I told my sister-in-law that we got our inheritance when my parents were alive. My Parents were very generous to all of us and to our children also. I never made preperations for my Mom needing  to be put in a nursing home because I always thought I would take care of her,but her medical condition made her need to go into a nursing facility for constant care.. I am happy that she was Happy and I don't care about giving the house to them


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## Lethe200 (Oct 20, 2018)

Good for you, Sassycakes. Sad but often true is that old saying, "You don't really know your own family until you have to split an inheritance with them." LOL!


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