# I thought step parenting-would be easy with adult kids!



## Ronni (Jan 31, 2019)

I'm not officially a step-parent yet, but I spend enough time with Ron and at his house, and with his girls, both of whom currently live on the property for various reasons, that I not only feel like a step-parent already but the girls are treating me as a surrogate Mom, and grandparent to his youngest daughter's two small boys.  I love that and am flattered and touched that they feel that way!  

Actually the step-parenting part of the thing is easy.  It's navigating how to orient to Ron's ex Julie regarding the children that I'm having a bit of trouble with. Both the girls have admitted to dysfunctional relationships with their Mother, saying it's complicated, she's complicated, sometimes it's a minefield etc.  She's opinionated, self-focused, a bit narcissistic. I've seen the traits, I don't disagree.  In spite of that, Ron has managed to forge an amiable relationship with her after the divorce (15+ years now) and with her husband Chris, and they continue to celebrate family things together very comfortably.  I admire that.  The girls have lived with their Dad since the divorce, they tried with their mom but after three months asked him to come get them.  

His oldest daughter has become engaged, and she asked if I'd please go look at wedding venues with her and her Dad.  I was thrilled!  Turns out she didn't ask her Mom, and doesn't intend to.  Similar things have happened before, where she's included me in invitations, news (like about their engagement...it was a week or two after they'd told Ron and me that she finally told her Mother) and requests for help or advice.   I've felt a bit weird at times, thinking how *I* would feel if my kids did this.  Hard for me to envision though, as I have a very close relationship with all my children, who include me in everything.  

Here's what I'm currently thinking about all this:  My primary allegiance and focus should be on the girls.  If they want to include me in things and not their Mom, it's not MY job to try and change their minds about that.  Their issues with their Mom are THEIR issues, and not my problem to solve.  It's not my job to try and foster or repair their Mother's dysfunctional relationship with her girls.  If their choices result in their mom having issues with ME, I'll deal with that if/when it comes up, (knowing full well that I can completely hold my own if we end up going toe to toe. )

Right?


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## AprilSun (Jan 31, 2019)

Yes, I agree with you. You want to stay on good terms with your step-daughters so they should come first and do what they want you to do. Yes, you're right. It is not your job to repair their problems with their Mother.


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## RadishRose (Jan 31, 2019)

If invited by the girls, sure! 

I would never discuss their mother with them unless it was about something positive. The girls are free to tell you anything they want of course, but me.....I wouldn't say anything negative about their mother. I would say as little as possible about her, just listen and then change the subject as soon as possible.   That's a real powder keg.

Sounds like you're on top of things to me, but you still feel a little unsure. Don't worry, you're smart enough to handle it all. 

You posted about her calling Ron a lot and he was going to cut way back on answering her calls. How's that going?


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## Aunt Bea (Jan 31, 2019)

I would avoid becoming the stepmom to two grown daughters and stick to being their dad's new SO.

Go with the flow when invited/asked and try to avoid anything that starts to sound like a conspiracy to keep mom out of the picture.

Good luck to all of you!


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## CeeCee (Jan 31, 2019)

Aunt Bea said:


> I would avoid becoming the stepmom to two grown daughters and stick to being their dad's new SO.
> 
> Go with the flow when invited/asked and try to avoid anything that starts to sound like a conspiracy to keep mom out of the picture.
> 
> Good luck to all of you!



I agree with  Aunt Bea.  Probably one of the many reasons why I’m single....don’t think I could deal with issues like this...also would worry about how my SO would deal with my family which is my top priority.


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## jujube (Jan 31, 2019)

Aunt Bee said it all.


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## Ronni (Jan 31, 2019)

RadishRose said:


> If invited by the girls, sure!
> 
> I would never discuss their mother with them unless it was about something positive. The girls are free to tell you anything they want of course, but me.....I wouldn't say anything negative about their mother. I would say as little as possible about her, just listen and then change the subject as soon as possible.   That's a real powder keg.



Oh yeah, I agree completely!!!  I don't encourage confidences, but neither do I avoid them....it has seemed at times as if they needed to just vent, so I just listen.  Don't agree or disagree, offer advice or opinions, just listen and make conciliatory but neutral statements that basically let the girls know they've been heard. 



> Sounds like you're on top of things to me, but you still feel a little unsure. Don't worry, you're smart enough to handle it all.



Thanks Rose....I appreciate the vote of confidence. :love_heart:  Mostly I feel like I know what I'm doing, but I'm never adverse to getting unbiased opinions.   



> You posted about her calling Ron a lot and he was going to cut way back on answering her calls. How's that going?



I'm impressed you remembered!  It's going really well.  Between him slowly answering them less and less, and also a couple of apparently well placed comments to her,  she's cut way back.  Used to be there was never a weekend while I was there when she didn't call.  More recently, I can't remember the last weekend she did!  So that's progress.  And from what Ron says, she doesn't save all the calls up for when I'm not there either...she just doesn't call much at all anymore, unless there's necessary liaison for a birthday party or some other family event.  

I'm pleased with the status quo, and may be being overly worried about the girls and all that.  I'm a worrier by nature, overthink things, and I'm just trying to stay one step ahead of any potential trouble BEFORE it happens.  I have no problem dealing with her if something blows up, as long as I know that *I* didn't do anything to cause it.  Hence needing a bit of reassurance.


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## Ronni (Jan 31, 2019)

Aunt Bea said:


> I would avoid becoming the stepmom to two grown daughters and stick to being their dad's new SO.



Yeah, I get , but nah.    I'm absolutely NOT going to let an the antics of an ex-wife influence whether or not I should marry her ex-husband!!!



> Go with the flow when invited/asked and try to avoid anything that starts to sound like a conspiracy to keep mom out of the picture.
> 
> Good luck to all of you!



This is a good point!  I won't contribute to keeping her in the dark.  I don't think that's fair at all.  But neither will I step in and try and include her in things that they don't want to include her in.  That's their call, not mine.


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## RadishRose (Jan 31, 2019)

Glad the calls have slowed down, Ronni.

I think we all said pretty much the same thing but in different ways.


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## applecruncher (Jan 31, 2019)

Ronni, I also remember the thread about ex's phone calls.

It's a shame that she has been so intrusive - directly and indirectly.

However, the wedding venue situation is touchy. hmmm.

I'm sure you're fully aware you need to be very careful about agreeing or commenting.  Life sometimes takes strange twists, and things have a way of coming back to bite you.


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## Aunt Bea (Jan 31, 2019)

Ronni said:


> Yeah, I get , but nah.  I'm absolutely NOT going to let an the antics of an ex-wife influence whether or not I should marry her ex-husband!!!



I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't get married.

My understanding has always been that the stepchild designation only relates to minor children from a previous marriage and does not include adult children.

The bottom line is that you should all do whatever you can to create a kind and loving family.

Good luck!


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## Ronni (Feb 1, 2019)

Aunt Bea said:


> I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't get married.
> 
> My understanding has always been that the stepchild designation only relates to minor children from a previous marriage and does not include adult children.
> 
> ...



My bad Bea, I completely misunderstood what you were saying!  

I was totally unaware that the stepchildren designation was only for minor children, at least in the legal sense.    And yes, I completely agree, creating a kind and loving family is the imperative here!


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## Keesha (Feb 1, 2019)

Ronni said:


> I was totally unaware that the stepchildren designation was only for minor children, at least in the legal sense.    And yes, I completely agree, creating a kind and loving family is the imperative here!



Aunt Bea doesn’t say a lot but she does give out good info and while I’m not a mom and haven’t a clue here I’d go with this advice . Don’t take on a role when you don’t have to. Keep it simple !


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## debbie in seattle (Feb 1, 2019)

Aunt Bea said:


> I would avoid becoming the stepmom to two grown daughters and stick to being their dad's new SO.
> 
> Go with the flow when invited/asked and try to avoid anything that starts to sound like a conspiracy to keep mom out of the picture.
> 
> Good luck to all of you!



          ~~~~~~~

 Couldnt agree more!


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## Ronni (Feb 2, 2019)

applecruncher said:


> Ronni, I also remember the thread about ex's phone calls.
> 
> It's a shame that she has been so intrusive - directly and indirectly.
> 
> ...



Yeah, I really get this.  My guiding principle is that it's not a question of IF, but simply WHEN.   And that's become my guiding principle as a result of hard-won experience!  So I'm very careful.


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## WhatInThe (Feb 2, 2019)

As noted focus on the girls and specific issues. Don't participate in conversation that works it's way into family politics. Also be aware the politics usually wind up working their way to surface so be prepared for that. Sooner or later you will wind up picking sides even if someone does it for you. I've seen families where sitting at the wrong table when the family goes out for a large event or holiday cause trouble.


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## Ronni (Mar 7, 2019)

I've posted elsewhere that Ron's daughter Krystal is getting married in May.  She has asked for help from me with the wedding and I'm happy to give it. She texts me most days asking questions, sending me images, wanting an opinion on this or that.  I have certain specific things I'm working on for the wedding, tasks she's asked me for help on or things I've offered to do, that sort of thing.  I've wondered how much her Mother Julie/Ron's ex is in the loop on everything but I don't ask because it's not my business.  Krystal at one point just told me outright that she's not involving her Mom in much because her Mom will have an opinion on everything and make it all about her, and that if Krys doesn't do things her Mom's way she'll get upset.  I've actually seen this scenario play out in person a couple of times now, so I don't think she's exaggerating.  

Anyway,  Julie called me yesterday, basically to tell me that she was inviting me to participate in Krystal's wedding and she would like for Krystal, her sister Sheri, Julie and I to all get together to give Krystal some help because she (Krystal) was really stressed doing everything alone.  

Of course I mentioned NOTHING about the fact that I'm already pretty deeply involved.  Last w/e Krys and I spent a couple hours sitting around the kitchen table with Krys taking notes about everything from food prep to flowers to serving dishes.  Her fiancé was involved in some of the discussion as was Ron, but mostly it was just Krys and I brainstorming and problem solving.  

I texted Krys after her Mom called me, and just told her that her Mom wanted us all to get together, to which Krystal responded "Ugh."  Krys knows I wouldn't tell her Mom that we've already been working a bunch together, it's up to Krys to navigate that one...... if she wants to and I don't think she will.


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## RadishRose (Mar 7, 2019)

You're right Ronni, to say nothing. Not a word. Good luck.


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## Ronni (Mar 19, 2019)

........and the saga continues.  

First of all, earlier when I said Julie had invited me to participate in the wedding prep?  Julie had made a plan for us all to get together that following weekend because Ron had friends coming in to town who she wanted to visit with and she'd be over anyway, so we'd have a "girls" afternoon.  Right.  So....Julie just didn't show up! Called me at the last minute, (I don't know why she didn't call her daughter!!!!!) said she'd changed her mind she had too much to do, and that she wanted us have a planning thing anyway, and told me to tell Krys to put everyone on speaker so Julie could participate.  I passed the message on to Krystal, who said "yeah...that's not gonna happen."  And so we spend the afternoon working on the party favors, planning out Krystal's engagement photo session outfits and props, and starting on the attendants' bouquets.  

And more currently.....The dress that Krystal chose for her wedding dress isn't working out.  We thought we could make it work with the appropriate undergarments, and so I've been ordering off Amazon, different things for her to try, but it's just not working.  She's talked it over with me, and decided she needs to get a different dress and I completely agree....it feels like it's just pushing a rock uphill to make this current (very inexpensive) one work.  

She found a consignment store downtown that sells gowns for a fraction of their original cost.  She asked her Dad, who has been her primary custodial parent since she was in the single digits and who she's always lived with and trusts to be absolutely honest with her, to go with her.  I expected/assumed that she'd also ask her Mom, as this is a significant thing...the choosing of the wedding dress.  I know how it was when my daughter was getting married. THE DRESS was a Big Deal, we made a day of it, went out in the morning, had a lovely lunch in between, shopped and shopped and tried on and it was an amazing time! 

Anyway, I shouldn't have been surprised but I was....Krystal asked me if I'd be willing to go with her and her Dad!  I first of all had to make SURE that she wasn't just asking me because I'm engaged to her Dad and so she felt obligated to include me.  Nope, not that at all.  She'd asked her Dad to ask me to go to, and he'd misunderstood what she said and didn't ask, and so she was asking me herself!!  Of course I said yes! 

I didn't say anything about her Mom, I am to the point where I figure not my business, that's their relationship to figure out.  But still.....  mg:


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