# When Husband Refuses to Downsize



## officerripley

We are financially able to move into something smaller and nice (now in a too-large house and on an acre and too far out from town now, so when we can no longer drive at all--coming sooner rather than later--hoo boy). And I don't even want to go to the opposite extreme and move into a tiny apt; I'd be happy with a  slightly smaller house & yard or a mobile in a nice park, or a nice little 2 bedrm condo; something where there were people closer in age to us (we're both retired) & maybe they had some activities for residents; our neighborhood now is basically a ghost town 40 hours a week because most of the neighbors are younger & still working. I'm no longer able to volunteer/do clubs, etc. due to driving/health issues & not a churchgoer and I get so darn lonely. But my husband spends most of his time on the golf course; refuses to accept that soon we'll no longer be able to drive (says he's going to drive 'till he drops dead & if that's behind the wheel, so be it); this is not only the nicest place he's ever lived, it's the *only* nice place he's ever lived; so he flat refuses to move; says he's sorry I'm lonely in this neighborhood but "oh well."

Oh, and we've never had kids, so none that can try to help me convince him to move to somewhere we'll both be happy. (I hear that even if you do have kids, that doesn't always work anyway.)

I do spend time online which helps only a tiny bit with the loneliness; I'd rather have face-to-face social contacts but as I said above, harder & harder for me to get out & our taxi/uber situation here is subpar. (All of the groups around here for gals in my age group anyway seem to be grandkid or artsy/crafty things, neither of which applies to me.)

I've tried talking & talking to him about this but he just gets angrier & angrier. (And now, he recently found out his younger brother has terminal cancer, so his emotional state is even more iffy.)

So any suggestions? And thanks for listening anyway.

--


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## hollydolly

I don't know what to suggest officerripley, but I'm sure someone else will have wiser suggestions...sorry you find yourself in  this situation.... but a warm welcome to the forum. you'll make friends here ...


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## Kaila

That does sound like a difficult and frustrating situation. It seems very isolating for you, and with limited options.

I don't know what to suggest either, but I hope others might, and I also hope that you will enjoy our forum and interactions with others, here!

Welcome, officerripley.


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## Buckeye

Us old men do get stubborn, and if I knew the cure I'd surely let you know.  In the mean time, I can attest that I spend hours every day on line.  This site is my go to, but visit 2 or 3 others several times a day.  It isn't the best solution but it keeps me from going bananas.

And welcome


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## Sassycakes

Me and my husband moved from the city were we were born and raised in just about 2 years ago. We downsized to make things easier for us. We bought a rancher with no steps except to the basement and we have a chair lift so we can just sit down while going to the basement. It has helped us a great deal by moving. I hope you can convince your husband that moving might just add years to your lives. Good Luck.


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## RadishRose

'


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## Myquest55

My concern here is IF he dies behind the wheel of his car - who will he take with him?  I'd be taking his keys away now!  If he is so angry, perhaps you could speak with his Dr. - sounds like there are other issues he is not sharing with you.  

My husband was diagnosed with Parkinsons at 58 and we had planned to move to retire.  He worked as long as he could.  Fortunately he was on board with the down sizing as long as he could take his music and movie collections and I wanted to take my yarn and fabric.  Made for some interesting discussions but we made it happen and settled in quickly to our new home just after he turned 61.


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## officerripley

Thanks for all the kind, supportive answers. Although I do worry about his driving before too much longer, it seems to be okay right now. I have spoken to his dr. & he suggested to me that Hubs maybe should have a complete physical & brain scan--I told him about the sudden onset of his humming/chuckling/weird noises he's started making and how I hoped it wasn't the start of Alzh. Well, Hubs went in & had the physical & it turned out so well that now the dr. says the humming (or whatever it is) is probably just his nerves and just to hang in there since there's nothing he can prescribe for that (due to the opioid crisis and the fact that Hubs is allergic to marijuana). I'm allergic to marijuana too otherwise since it's legal here with a prescr. I'd use it. I'd love to find something to mellow both of us out, but there's nothing anymore. (Alcohol doesn't do much for either of us anymore.) 

Anybody know of any natural calming supplements? We were gonna try KavaKava but heard it causes liver damage.


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## Ruth n Jersey

Hello and welcome from New Jersey. I wouldn't mind moving into something smaller while we both can do it. Hubby says he wants to die here.
I love our house but the yard work is really getting out of hand. 
I'm not a joiner and hate socializing except with the few family members who are left and also my kids.
I do love working on my many projects and when the hubby and I start to nit pick we just give each other a lot of personal space. 
Reading is a great pastime,do you enjoy cooking? maybe gardening? Sewing?Walking?


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## officerripley

I hate cooking, gardening, sewing and walking around here (it's too hot; I do love to walk along the beach but it's 5 hours away). I do love to read--in fact, I always say that the only thing I can stand (and I can just barely stand) to do with my hands is turn the pages of a book, lol.  And I do belong to 1 book club but don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep driving to it; also, although I like most of the gals in this book club a lot, the oldest is about 25 yrs younger than me, they're all still working, etc., so we have very little in common.

So I read a lot & play solitaire online but I'd love to actually *talk* to someone closer in age so we could relate to each other. But every gal I've met in my age group around here is very different from me, either a devoted grandma, religious, conservative or else a highly-educated, retired professional type who've made it clear I'm essentially "uneducated" since I only have a high school diploma.


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## terry123

Welcome from Houston! No solutions for you. I can say I am happy to be in a condo where I don't have to do yard work.  I don't have a partner so I cannot help much there.


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## Ferocious

*Him:
"You mean the new place wont have a huge shed for all my tools?"*

*Her: 
"No darling, we're downsizing."*

*Him:
Well, where are you going to keep your 700 pairs of shoes in the new place?"*


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## Packerjohn

Sorry to hear the sad news.  We downsized a few years ago & I am very happy to have done so.  We live in an apartment & when I talk to others they are also very happy to downsize & they never miss what they had.  It was only "stuff" that you buy & as you get older & older it gets to be a bother.  As you get older you will realize that people are a lot more important than things.  You really do not need a garage full of stuff & the same for the basement.  Our plan was to sell the house & move while we still could.  Our philosophy was to go on our own feet rather than get carried out.  It helps to have many hobbies & interests such as I do.  Watching TV all day is the short & fastest way to the grave.  By the way, some men really hate change & they can be very stubborn.  I know because I have a brother like that.  Good luck!  Get rid of the stuff.  Liberate yourself & your husband.


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## Lee

Officerripley, I can't add much more to the suggestions that have already been made.

You do seem to focus on the negatives rather than the positives when you say that you hate most activities other than reading which is a solitary way to spend time.

First impressions of the women you have met seem to fall under the same umbrella. Perhaps second impressions might find them more favourable, it's nice to have friends with different backgrounds and interests.

You might try to visit a few mobile home community places with hubby, sometimes meeting a few people that live there could be an incentive. That's what I did.

Welcome to the forum, looking forward to posting with you.


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## bingo

best not to show your frustration to him....seems to just stubborn  him up...wait..see...
life changes ..
hyland nerve tonic/100% narural product sold at  Wal-Mart...

non drowsy....mineral combo...
hang in there


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## Camper6

officerripley said:


> We are financially able to move into something smaller and nice (now in a too-large house and on an acre and too far out from town now, so when we can no longer drive at all--coming sooner rather than later--hoo boy). And I don't even want to go to the opposite extreme and move into a tiny apt; I'd be happy with a  slightly smaller house & yard or a mobile in a nice park, or a nice little 2 bedrm condo; something where there were people closer in age to us (we're both retired) & maybe they had some activities for residents; our neighborhood now is basically a ghost town 40 hours a week because most of the neighbors are younger & still working. I'm no longer able to volunteer/do clubs, etc. due to driving/health issues & not a churchgoer and I get so darn lonely. But my husband spends most of his time on the golf course; refuses to accept that soon we'll no longer be able to drive (says he's going to drive 'till he drops dead & if that's behind the wheel, so be it); this is not only the nicest place he's ever lived, it's the *only* nice place he's ever lived; so he flat refuses to move; says he's sorry I'm lonely in this neighborhood but "oh well."
> 
> Oh, and we've never had kids, so none that can try to help me convince him to move to somewhere we'll both be happy. (I hear that even if you do have kids, that doesn't always work anyway.)
> 
> I do spend time online which helps only a tiny bit with the loneliness; I'd rather have face-to-face social contacts but as I said above, harder & harder for me to get out & our taxi/uber situation here is subpar. (All of the groups around here for gals in my age group anyway seem to be grandkid or artsy/crafty things, neither of which applies to me.)
> 
> I've tried talking & talking to him about this but he just gets angrier & angrier. (And now, he recently found out his younger brother has terminal cancer, so his emotional state is even more iffy.)
> 
> So any suggestions? And thanks for listening anyway.
> 
> --


Honestly.  Downsizing is not as great as you might think it is.  I sold my house and what I miss most is the privacy and the storage space.  There is a lot involved in downsizing.  You have to get rid of a lot of stuff before you move and that's not easy.

I notice he likes to golf.  That's important to the health and that's also hard to give up.

The only advice I can give you at this time since having lost my wife is to *enjoy yourselves together while you can. * There's no going back and wishing about it.

When you move you don't know what you are going to get into.  You might get neighbors from hell.  The place you buy may be a nightmare to maintain.  There's no guarantee. So better the devil you know if you get my drift.

I'm speaking from experience.  Moving into a smaller space means no room for storage.  A nightmare for me.

The bottom line is health.


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## Pinky

Welcome to the forum .. I hope you find some good advice here.


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## toffee

hi officerripply' it could be he is hesitant about not playing on hes beloved turf like men do ...
sad to know you are lonely ' but so glad you joined this forum ' go on line and try to find a smaller place 
near a golf resort -must be some round --men can be such a blasted pain in ar--- I' d know 'born 
with a stubbornness streak ' 

and if he wants to drive so be it -he knows best !!!


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## Catlady

Not helping here, sorry, but that's ONE of the many reasons why I never remarried, I'm not good at compromising.  I like freedom to lead my life "my way".   I've found that marriages and relationships always have one alpha and one omega, the omega always acquiesces to the needs and demands of the alpha.   Seems your husband is the alpha.  I don't have any solutions to your dilemma, sorry.


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## Camper6

I always question the obvious. You must have been on the same wavelength when you move into a place. If you chose a rural existence is because you like that sort of lifestyle.


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## Catlady

Camper6 said:


> I always question the obvious. You must have been on the same wavelength when you move into a place. If you chose a rural existence is because you like that sort of lifestyle.


People change.  I always wanted a big backyard and now wish I had a tiny one.  Fifteen years ago I wanted to learn to garden and my lower back didn't hurt, I had all kinds of energy.  I don't know how long ago this couple bought their property, but now they're older and she no longer wants to drive, it's a different perspective she has now.


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## JustBonee

I understand your husband's stubbornness @officerripley 
A few years before I lost my husband,  I tried in vain to get him to consider a smaller home or apt.  ... was  like talking to a wall.
There was nothing that would budge him!   So we stayed put  ....

Well, seven years later,  I'm in that apartment now,  and wish he was here to enjoy this lifestyle too.


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## OneEyedDiva

Ooohhh Officerripley...I'm *SO* *glad* to "see" you here!!  I'll answer your query later.


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## Camper6

Catlady said:


> People change.  I always wanted a big backyard and now wish I had a tiny one.  Fifteen years ago I wanted to learn to garden and my lower back didn't hurt, I had all kinds of energy.  I don't know how long ago this couple bought their property, but now they're older and she no longer wants to drive, it's a different perspective she has now.


It's tough when one wants to change. I'm going by my personal experience. I remember a friend who bought rural property and he was constantly driving everyone into town. So he just moved back. So the rural life didn't fit but that's what everyone wanted or thought they wanted. Rural living depends on transportation heavily. Urban living not so much. So if you can solve that problem you have it beat. But remember what I said. Enjoy your togetherness while you can.


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## Camper6

Bonnie said:


> I understand your husband's stubbornness @officerripley
> A few years before I lost my husband,  I tried in vain to get him to consider a smaller home or apt.  ... was  like talking to a wall.
> There was nothing that would budge him!   So we stayed put  ....
> 
> Well, seven years later,  I'm in that apartment now,  and wish he was here to enjoy this lifestyle too.


He enjoyed the last few years of his life.


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## JustBonee

Camper6 said:


> He enjoyed the last few years of his life.



Yes ... that's true.


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## RadishRose

I wish I had a solution for you @officerripley , but it seems a done deal. He won't budge, so if you still want your marriage, you'll have to give in it seems.

Best wishes for you!


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## C'est Moi

"Bloom where you are planted."   Take a more positive attitude and find things to enjoy; life is short and getting shorter.


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## StarSong

Welcome, Officerripley!  Any friend of the Diva is a friend of mine! 

I have wanted to ditch our over-large house and pool for a few years, but hubby has been resistant. As things are turning out, it's probably better for us to stay here because our kids have set up permanent roots nearby.

You might give Nextdoor.com a whirl. While it's mostly a bunch of people whining about politics, potholes, and trivial neighborhood nonsense, it can also be used to find new local connections based on common interests.

Wishing you luck.


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## officerripley

OneEyedDiva said:


> Ooohhh Officerripley...I'm *SO* *glad* to "see" you here!!  I'll answer your query later.
> View attachment 94637


Oh, Diva, I'm so glad to see you too! Yay! <3


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## officerripley

I appreciate the kind words. I did get some really good, but unattainable, advice online a few years back: the gal told me that with the kind of interests/pol. leanings, etc. I had, that I'd probably be much happier living in or a lot closer to a big city (which I grew up in). Which she was completely right about; but even if Hubs would agree, we couldn't afford it. That's something that happens a lot; if people move away from a large city area to a smaller one, they'll have to spend the rest of their life there (whether they want/need to or not) because almost no one can afford--espec. on a retirement income--to move from a cheaper area to a more expensive one, even if they orig. came from the more expensive area like I did.

Another thing that helps somewhat is knowing I'm not alone; you wouldn't believe how more & more gals I talk to--usually online; like I said above, all of the gals in my age group around here seem to just love, getting out in the hot sunshine & pulling weeds (ugh!) or only socializing through church; or they're the retired professional types who are driving down to the big city every weekend--when they can't drive anymore, they'll be able to afford to move there--spending whole summer in Europe, etc. But I've met a lot of gals online who are in my situation, living in a place they can't stand for various reasons but married to some1 who loves it & refuses to move; or else sometimes they're single but somehow stranded themselves in a rural or inexpensive area & are now longing to get back to the city area they grew up in and have family, old friends there but can't afford to move back. So I'm a member of a large club, I keep hearing more and more.


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## OneEyedDiva

StarSong said:


> Welcome, Officerripley!  Any friend of the Diva is a friend of mine!
> 
> I have wanted to ditch our over-large house and pool for a few years, but hubby has been resistant. As things are turning out, it's probably better for us to stay here because our kids have set up permanent roots nearby.
> 
> You might give Nextdoor.com a whirl. While it's mostly a bunch of people whining about politics, potholes, and trivial neighborhood nonsense, it can also be used to find new local connections based on common interests.
> 
> Wishing you luck.


Awwww...*Thank* *you* Star. You're so sweet.


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## OneEyedDiva

officerripley said:


> Oh, and we've never had kids, so none that can try to help me convince him to move to somewhere we'll both be happy. (I hear that even if you do have kids, that doesn't always work anyway.)


Well Officer...there goes what I was going to suggest!  I'm so sorry you are going through this. Now that his brother has terminal cancer, I'm sure his emotions are way to volatile to broach the subject again anytime soon. Older men can be so set in their ways and tend not to listen, even when the advice is for their own good.

Loneliness is such a sad state. Are there any senior centers in your area? If so, do they provide transportation? I'm wondering...would it be a worthwhile trade off to go to the artsy classes (even though you aren't an artsy person) if you wound up making a friend or two? Sometimes we think we don't want to do something but once we do it, we find we've enjoyed ourselves. And I know what you mean about city living...costs are so prohibitive, especially for seniors who aren't on the wealthy side.


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## Knight

Welcome officeripley

Both retired & no children seems like no conversation about downsizing well ahead of retirement. No input about whether or not your home is mortgage free. No input about if you think the value of your home would cover new smaller home, apartment, or condo & moving expenses. Don't want to be nosy but any savings to augment soc. sec.? 

Lots of variables that would have been nice to have settled before retirement. I can't offer any advice since all the details that should be worked out before retiring my wife & I did.


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## officerripley

I did try talking to Hubs before retirement about this but he refused to; he kept saying it wouldn't be an issue since he didn't expect to live much (if any) after retirement since his mom died at 59 and his dad at 56 bla bla there was no need to discuss it, I could do whatever the heck I wanted after he was gone, bla bla. (He's 73 now, just had a complete physical & got a clean bill of health.) I did keep trying to remind him that with no kids we needed to plan ahead even more maybe than people *with* kids to possibly help; but nope, nothing doing, refused to discuss it since he figured he wouldn't be around that long. (He does come from a long line of heavy cig.-smokers who distrusted doctors and thought anybody who lived to be 70 was lucky but ancient and on borrowed time.)

Our home is mortgage-free and we do have savings in addition to Social Sec., so moving expenses etc. would not be a problem; he just doesn't want to, says he wants to be carried feet-first out of here. I've tried asking what about me if he goes first, left in this too-big place all by myself trying to sell it for a reasonable price & get moved somewhere more suitable all on my own and he says that'll be my problem, that that'll be what I get for living longer than him. And then he laughs & says he's only kidding. (Hell hath no fury like somebody who grew up poor enough to have to live in their car part of the time and now has something that he did admittedly work hard for but now can't stand even the thought of turning loose of even one cent of it. Sigh.)


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## Manatee

We lived in a one story townhouse in a 55+ community in Arizona that had 7 golf courses.  It was legal to drive golf carts on the street.  Our townhouse was a condo, so I had no exterior maintenance to deal with.  There were also single family homes as well. There were more than 100 clubs and groups, so there were activities for everyone including a theater with shows and movies.


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## officerripley

That sounds like a wonderful place, Manatee. Similar places to that here in Calif.--where everything is more expensive it seems--would more than we could afford. But what I've been thinking that we could maybe find something (condo complex, mobile home park, etc.) not as fancy but still a little bit along those lines; but Hubs thinks a place like that sounds awful; says he gets all the socializing he wants on the golf course.


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## Knight

officeripley the explanation fills in some of the what is happening. At this point my advice would be. 
1. Start now discovering what your home value is. 
2.Make a list of what you think you would need to take with you when you move.
3. Check out burial expense where you live.
4. Calculate what your income will be if your husband does die 1st. 

Of course with your husbands clean bill of health it may be years until you get to live the life you want, but getting ready now gives you something to look forward to. 

Side note. My parents and 3 brothers all died before reaching the age of 62. I am 79 & in great health. We downsized & moved to where we want to live & have been enjoying retirement for 25 years.  We moved from a 5 bedroom bi-level with 3 car external garage on 8 acres. to a 3 bedroom 2 car garage rancher close to stores, dental, doctors office, fitness center. No maintenance stucco exterior & tile roof, desert landscape no maintenance.


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## Camper6

Pick out the house and the area you want to live in and the price.

Take your husband there and show it to him.

He might change his mind.


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## oldman

Unless you really love this man, you should do what makes you happy. We all have certain needs. If our emotional needs aren't being met, it can be very destructive to a marriage. The fact that he thinks it's a joke because you're stuck in a place you don't like and may have to deal with making the move on your own, plus settling the property that you have now, really tells me that perhaps he doesn't really care about anyone, except himself. He sounds very disrespectful to me. 

Maybe you should go find yourself a place that will make you happy and then show it to him and tell him, "I don't know how I would get along without you, dear, but starting next month, I'm going to find out." 

Good luck.


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## Camper6

oldman said:


> Unless you really love this man, you should do what makes you happy. We all have certain needs. If our emotional needs aren't being met, it can be very destructive to a marriage. The fact that he thinks it's a joke because you're stuck in a place you don't like and may have to deal with making the move on your own, plus settling the property that you have now, really tells me that perhaps he doesn't really care about anyone, except himself. He sounds very disrespectful to me.
> 
> Maybe you should go find yourself a place that will make you happy and then show it to him and tell him, "I don't know how I would get along without you, dear, but starting next month, I'm going to find out."
> 
> Good luck.


That is extremely poor advice. Divorce or separation is the most destructive stressful event next to loss of a partner.
It won't make you happier.


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## OneEyedDiva

Camper6 said:


> That is extremely poor advice. Divorce or separation is the most destructive stressful event next to loss of a partner.
> It won't make you happier.


I have to disagree (to a degree) Camper. Living with someone who doesn't care what you think, what your needs are and has a I got mine, damn if you get yours attitude is a terrible way to have to live...day in and day out for who knows how long. That kind of treatment diminishes a person and can eat away at one's self esteem. She feels isolated but he doesn't care. She's lonely but he doesn't care. He has a social life, she's devoid of one, but he doesn't care. She's my friend and *I *care. I don't think anyone should have to live like that, let alone someone I call a friend. The main problem with the idea of walking away is the house (if it's co-owned) and the complications it would cause. Also there's that love thing and finding another affordable place to live. I'm friends with someone of FB who had the same type of husband...totally selfish (and hers was mean) she was miserable. She finally left him. She's so relieved, happy and is now living her best life.


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## Camper6

OneEyedDiva said:


> I have to disagree (to a degree) Camper. Living with someone who doesn't care what you think, what your needs are and has a I got mine, damn if you get yours attitude is a terrible way to have to live...day in and day out for who knows how long. That kind of treatment diminishes a person and can eat away at one's self esteem. She feels isolated but he doesn't care. She's lonely but he doesn't care. He has a social life, she's devoid of one, but he doesn't care. She's my friend and *I *care. I don't think anyone should have to live like that, let alone someone I call a friend. The main problem with the idea of walking away is the house (if it's co-owned) and the complications it would cause. Also there's that love thing and finding another affordable place to live. I'm friends with someone of FB who had the same type of husband...totally selfish (and hers was mean) she was miserable. She finally left him. She's so relieved, happy and is now living her best life.


I still say divorce is devastating and it's a bitch to be alone.
They were happy to move where they did and lived together. So who changed? What about his needs? I know guys who moved to please their spouse. They tell me they would move back in a second. She feel isolated now? What about before?  I already stat d. Go find the dream place and price it out. He might change his mind. My wife and I had the perfect solution. She played tennis and made friends. I played golf.The worst day of my life is when I had to sell and live alone. Women live longer than men. Go to any casino and you will see what I am talking about.


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## Butterfly

Camper6 said:


> I still say divorce is devastating and it's a bitch to be alone.
> They were happy to move where they did and lived together. So who changed? What about his needs? I know guys who moved to please their spouse. They tell me they would move back in a second. She feel isolated now? What about before?  I already stat d. Go find the dream place and price it out. He might change his mind. My wife and I had the perfect solution. She played tennis and made friends. I played golf.The worst day of my life is when I had to sell and live alone. Women live longer than men. Go to any casino and you will see what I am talking about.



It's also a bitch to be stuck in a place you hate with someone who does not give a fig about your needs and wants.


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## Knight

Camper6 said:


> I still say divorce is devastating and it's a bitch to be alone.


When circumstances change choices are made to adjust to the change. For sure it's a bitch to be alone but to be with someone that deny's you the equality to live your best life can be an even greater bitch.  Thankfully I've never experienced that as a problem.


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## C'est Moi

Butterfly said:


> It's also a bitch to be stuck in a place you hate with someone who does not give a fig about your needs and wants.


We are only hearing one side of the story.


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## oldman

C'est Moi said:


> We are only hearing one side of the story.


I agree, but that’s all the information we have to use at this time to give comment on at this time. It’s easier to give advice than it is to take it. I am sure that if I was disrespected and my feelings were of no value to her, I would be considering my options.


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## Camper6

There's another solution.

Buy me out.


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## win231

What I could do with that!


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## Lee

There's a saying "Bloom where you're planted"

In other words the OP should either try to make her present situation more to her liking or make the decision to uproot herself.

The problem is that once done, going backwards is not an option, as someone said, we are only hearing one side.


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## Keesha

officerripley said:


> Anybody know of any natural calming supplements? We were gonna try KavaKava but heard it causes liver damage.


5 htp
Magnesium Biglycinate 
Ashwagandha & Bacopa 
Camomile & Lavender 
Valerian ( very bitter ) & lemon balm 
Fish oil & Bacopa 
Passionflower & St. John’s wort 

Note: Before taking supplements, check with your doctor first to make sure there are no drug interactions. St. John’s wort is known to interact with many other drugs.

These are the most effective supplements and combinations for soothing, calming and sleep


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## Camper6

I tried Valerian many moons ago. Useless. Horrible stuff and it stinks.


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## Pepper

Camper6 said:


> I tried Valerian many moons ago. Useless. Horrible stuff and it stinks.


In the long or short run, pharmaceuticals are the best, IMO.


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## RadishRose

The fragrance of lavender has a calming effect, but not long lasting. Bees get a little "drunk" from it.


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## Ladybj

officerripley said:


> We are financially able to move into something smaller and nice (now in a too-large house and on an acre and too far out from town now, so when we can no longer drive at all--coming sooner rather than later--hoo boy). And I don't even want to go to the opposite extreme and move into a tiny apt; I'd be happy with a  slightly smaller house & yard or a mobile in a nice park, or a nice little 2 bedrm condo; something where there were people closer in age to us (we're both retired) & maybe they had some activities for residents; our neighborhood now is basically a ghost town 40 hours a week because most of the neighbors are younger & still working. I'm no longer able to volunteer/do clubs, etc. due to driving/health issues & not a churchgoer and I get so darn lonely. But my husband spends most of his time on the golf course; refuses to accept that soon we'll no longer be able to drive (says he's going to drive 'till he drops dead & if that's behind the wheel, so be it); this is not only the nicest place he's ever lived, it's the *only* nice place he's ever lived; so he flat refuses to move; says he's sorry I'm lonely in this neighborhood but "oh well."
> 
> Oh, and we've never had kids, so none that can try to help me convince him to move to somewhere we'll both be happy. (I hear that even if you do have kids, that doesn't always work anyway.)
> 
> I do spend time online which helps only a tiny bit with the loneliness; I'd rather have face-to-face social contacts but as I said above, harder & harder for me to get out & our taxi/uber situation here is subpar. (All of the groups around here for gals in my age group anyway seem to be grandkid or artsy/crafty things, neither of which applies to me.)
> 
> I've tried talking & talking to him about this but he just gets angrier & angrier. (And now, he recently found out his younger brother has terminal cancer, so his emotional state is even more iffy.)
> 
> So any suggestions? And thanks for listening anyway.
> 
> --


Have you thought about getting a pet?  Are their things you enjoy doing at home?  Do you have friends that you can call or can come over for a visit?  That is a tough situation to be in.  I am glad being online does help you a bit.  Your husband will more than likely drive until he is not able to drive anymore. I pray he can compromise to suit you both.


----------



## Ladybj

Keesha said:


> 5 htp
> Magnesium Biglycinate
> Ashwagandha & Bacopa
> Camomile & Lavender
> Valerian ( very bitter ) & lemon balm
> Fish oil & Bacopa
> Passionflower & St. John’s wort
> 
> Note: Before taking supplements, check with your doctor first to make sure there are no drug interactions. St. John’s wort is known to interact with many other drugs.
> 
> These are the most effective supplements and combinations for soothing, calming and sleep


Chamomile and Lavender tea is EVERYTHING!!!!  It is so relaxing.  I drink it most nights before bed.


----------



## Ladybj

She has two options......Stay and make changes to adjust or put a plan in action and leave.  Whatever she decides to do, I pray for the best.  But I highly doubt if she leaves.. I am pro marriage and as we know, marriage is about compromising.   As one of the other post stated, she is not getting any younger and we do not know the entire story.


----------



## officerripley

Ladybj said:


> Have you thought about getting a pet?  Are their things you enjoy doing at home?  Do you have friends that you can call or can come over for a visit?  That is a tough situation to be in.  I am glad being online does help you a bit.  Your husband will more than likely drive until he is not able to drive anymore. I pray he can compromise to suit you both.


Hi, sorry I haven't responded; for some reason even though I've got it set for SF to email when there are new replies to my watched topics, that's not happening, sigh. Anyway, thanks for all the suggestions (I'm def. going to try the chamomile but not lavender which I'm allergic to); Hubby has already told me that he plans to drive until he drops dead and if that's when he's behind the wheel, he says too bad, that won't be his problem. So I guess it doesn't matter that I can't get him to move somewhere within walking distance of stores, etc. because he only likes to walk for recreation, not for something important like going to the store because it reminds him of his younger, poor years when he *had* to walk everywhere. 

(You know, don't ever let anybody tell ya that being poor is actually a good thing because it "builds character." No, it doesn't most of the time; all the people I've known who grew up poor turned into driven, scared-to-death of ever "doing without" again, workaholics or into people who have given up & refuse to save, strive, try for anything, etc. All of 'em.)


----------



## Lewkat

Right now, officerripley, I'd leave it alone since he's under so much stress over his brother.  Just leave brochures and pictures in strategic spots, perhaps he'll begin to take serious notice.  You never mentioned his age.


----------



## officerripley

Yeah


Lewkat said:


> Right now, officerripley, I'd leave it alone since he's under so much stress over his brother.  Just leave brochures and pictures in strategic spots, perhaps he'll begin to take serious notice.  You never mentioned his age.


Yeah, you're right Lewkat; this "prequel" grieving over his brother is hellish. (Hubby's 73.)


----------



## Lewkat

officerripley said:


> Yeah
> 
> Yeah, you're right Lewkat; this "prequel" grieving over his brother is hellish. (Hubby's 73.)


Try not to argue for what you'd like to do, but devise positive ways to get him interested.  Do you have friends who've done this and are happy they did?  Get him to look  at their lifestyle and get him talking to them in a round about way.  We have to be so devious with guys, it's trying.


----------



## officerripley

Well, he or I have only known 1 couple who have done this and, as I think I mentioned above, the husb. of that couple has been griping about it ever since ("Whatever you do, don't let your wife talk you into it; I hate the condo we moved into") and all the other couples we know, all of the women are either of the "woman-submit-thyself-to-thine-husband-no-matter-what-he-wants" type or else the type that want to stay in the great big house forever as much as the husband does. And most of those are even older than we are, so I can forsee fender-benders (or strokes or whatever) in the near future taking away somebody's driver's license and what they'll do then is going be a problem.

But who knows, maybe witnessing that driver's license removal will be enough to finally get my Hubby to move. (I just hope it's not us that it happens to!)


----------



## GeorgiaXplant

DH and I sold our 4 bedroom house and downsized to a 2 bedroom apartment. Then we moved to Kentucky and downsized again. He died. I downsized again when I moved here and this granny flat was built. There's nothing much left to downsize. Sometimes (rarely) I wish I had more space. I have never missed anything that got sold or given away. Nope. Never. 

About a month ago I gave my car away because I had a brain fart  that scared me half to death. I got lost. In my own familiar stomping grounds and only about two miles from home. I decided right then and there that I don't want to be _that _old lady, the one who accidentally steps on the gas instead of the brake, the one who goes to the store for a loaf a bread and turns up in Podunk Junction a week later, not even knowing my own name. Nobody will have to take away my driver's license. I still have it, but don't drive. If I absolutely_ had_ to drive DD's car in an emergency, I would (license doesn't expire until 2026). I was going to exchange it for an ID, but the state wants a king's ransom to do that. Pffft. 

Having said all that, I can understand why there are people who don't want to downsize. Change is hard, and the older we get, the harder it is to change. And it can be scary. Remember the old saying about the devil you know being better than the devil you don't! The best description I can manage is that the feeling is almost like reducing your entire life to the lowest common denominator...a fraction of what it was. At first I felt a little like that, but the more I got rid of, the better I felt. Unfettered! I have memories. Those stay.


----------



## asp3

Welcome, I didn't see this thread come up the first time so didn't say hello or respond.

Is the place you live somehow connected with the golf course your husband is using?

One thing you might be able to do to get your husband to be more open to moving is to start talking to him about what you think he enjoys about your house and then ask him if there's anything you missed.  I think it shows that you do pay attention to him and understand some of the things he enjoys about your current house.  But it also opens the door for him to share things that he likes that you haven't notices.  After that line of conversation finishes you can ask him if there are any other things he'd want in the place he lives that would make it even better than it is already.

Armed with that information you might be able to see if there are any places nearby or closer to town that have most or all of the things he loves and possibly one or more of the things he'd love to have.  That would certainly give you something to do and also possibly move you closer to getting to another situation.

If that isn't possible or if it sounds like something you wouldn't want to do you might consider organizing some sort of group or activity that appeals to you that would attract others because you have taken care of some of the obstacles preventing it from happening already.

Another thing you might consider doing is taking up some sort of meditation or relaxation practice to get yourself into a better mental state which might also help you be able to move forward in whatever path shows itself to be the correct one for you to follow.

I wish you the best and I hope that you're able to find a solution that works well for you.


----------



## bowmore

If you are in CA, I have just the place for you! A +55 Mobile Home Park in Ventura County. PM me if you are interested. I just live here and have no other interest.
We downsized from two 1800 sq ft homes into our 1400 sq ft home.


----------



## asp3

Oh, I forgot.  I meant to comment on your lack of a college degree.  Please don't define yourself that way.  My wife is one of the most accomplished people I've ever met.  She's been a bank manager, a customer support manager, a marketing director, a non-profit director and an accomplished artist.  Her work (even though it isn't attributed to her) has been in galleries in London, Venice and China, was featured at the World Economic Forum and as part of the Venice Binalle and hangs in one of the homes of a Google founder.

I'm so glad I got to know her before even finding out what her educational background was because I was somewhat of an education snob at one point in time.

Even if you've never accomplished anything you're particularly proud of your lack of a degree or a college education does not define you.


----------



## officerripley

Again thanks all for all the kind suggestions. I am in a book club and an ath/agn/skeptics group but our only meetings are on Zoom which is better than nothing but still nowhere near as good as face2face. And none of the groups around that are still meeting online are taking new members, also all craft (ugh), etc. classes have been suspended. Neither yoga or meditation type stuff appeal to me since you're supposed to be quiet, right? And I wanna talk, lol. 

Thanks all for listening. This situation I'm in makes me a member of a large club--you wouldn't believe how many other gals I've talked to who are in this situation with no hope in sight--it's just gotten to me more than ever due to this lockdown.

And thanks also for the kind words, asp, about my lack of coll. degree; but it's not me who defines myself just that way, it's other people, sigh (the education snobs, as you put it). And you also wouldn't believe how many education snobs there are; just ask a blue collar person sometime; they'll have stories to tell. (One person told me that she was discouraged from joining a book club by the women running the book club because they told her that since they read non-fiction sometimes, the books would be over her high-school-diploma-only head. True story.)


----------



## GeorgiaXplant

_*One person told me that she was discouraged from joining a book club by the women running the book club because they told her that since they read non-fiction sometimes, the books would be over her high-school-diploma-only head.*_ 

SMH! What? No degree, no brains? They don't sound like people I'd want to be with in a book club or any other club. I'd have been relieved to have an excuse not to be a part of that group. Heck, they don't sound like people I'd even want to meet with for coffee.


----------



## officerripley

GeorgiaXplant said:


> _*One person told me that she was discouraged from joining a book club by the women running the book club because they told her that since they read non-fiction sometimes, the books would be over her high-school-diploma-only head.*_
> 
> SMH! What? No degree, no brains? They don't sound like people I'd want to be with in a book club or any other club. I'd have been relieved to have an excuse not to be a part of that group. Heck, they don't sound like people I'd even want to meet with for coffee.


I know, right? But unfortunately, I and other blue collar gals I know have run into this a lot. (From what I hear, it doesn't seem to happen as much to blue-collar guys but I could be wrong; chime in here, guys, if it's happened to you.) There was a lot of education snobbery at the Univ. where I worked. One of the professors told me in dead seriousness, "If you wanted to be treated decently in this life, you should've gotten a college degree."


----------



## bowmore

Calvin Coolidge quote:
Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. *Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts*. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.


----------



## officerripley

bowmore said:


> Calvin Coolidge quote:
> Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. *Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts*. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.


So true; I have definitely met some "educated derelicts."


----------



## Butterfly

officerripley said:


> I know, right? But unfortunately, I and other blue collar gals I know have run into this a lot. (From what I hear, it doesn't seem to happen as much to blue-collar guys but I could be wrong; chime in here, guys, if it's happened to you.) There was a lot of education snobbery at the Univ. where I worked. One of the professors told me in dead seriousness, "If you wanted to be treated decently in this life, you should've gotten a college degree."



In my whole life, nobody but prospective employers have ever asked me what my education level is.  It certainly doesn't come up in polite conversation around here  unless people are talking about their old alma mater and football or something.  

Why is your education level any of anybody else's business?  Why do you tell them?


----------



## Rosemarie

This is  just my opinion of course, but if I were in your situation, I would do what your husband is doing....put myself first! You want to move...he doesn't. Is it possible for you to move without him or is money a problem?
From what you say, it's possible that your husband may end up as an invalid with you his sole carer. Then you'll be even more isolated. Think about the future and start making plans now, without him if necessary.


----------



## Lewkat

officerripley said:


> Again thanks all for all the kind suggestions. I am in a book club and an ath/agn/skeptics group but our only meetings are on Zoom which is better than nothing but still nowhere near as good as face2face. And none of the groups around that are still meeting online are taking new members, also all craft (ugh), etc. classes have been suspended. Neither yoga or meditation type stuff appeal to me since you're supposed to be quiet, right? And I wanna talk, lol.
> 
> Thanks all for listening. This situation I'm in makes me a member of a large club--you wouldn't believe how many other gals I've talked to who are in this situation with no hope in sight--it's just gotten to me more than ever due to this lockdown.
> 
> And thanks also for the kind words, asp, about my lack of coll. degree; but it's not me who defines myself just that way, it's other people, sigh (the education snobs, as you put it). And you also wouldn't believe how many education snobs there are; just ask a blue collar person sometime; they'll have stories to tell. (One person told me that she was discouraged from joining a book club by the women running the book club because they told her that since they read non-fiction sometimes, the books would be over her high-school-diploma-only head. True story.)


The next time someone mentions you are not a college grad, remind them that neither Bill Gates nor Steve Jobs were either.


----------



## Giantsfan1954

Would it do any good to have someone give estimates for making adjustments to your home for senior years, i.e. a stair chairlift, walk in shower, wider doorways, grab bars everywhere?
Maybe the cost would be a motivator?


----------



## StarSong

Why does your husband get to choose whether or not you move?


----------



## Pepper

Lewkat said:


> The next time someone mentions you are not a college grad, remind them that neither Bill Gates nor Steve Jobs were either.


Add that puny punk Zuckerberg to the list!


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## GeorgiaXplant

Geez. This is a thorny one! I wonder what would happen if you announce that you are moving to "town," and that he's welcome to move with you or not...up to him. If he says he's staying, fine. Rather than divorce, file for separate maintenance, find yourself a suitable apartment/condo to rent or buy and move. It could very well be that he finds living alone in a too-big house is not to his liking. It might happen that after visiting you a time or two or 10, he develops a liking for city living. You know, no maintenance, walk to restaurants/museums/theatres if they ever open again!

I'm not suggesting that you roll out such a plan before he buries his brother, just something to mull over for now.


----------



## StarSong

officerripley said:


> I know, right? But unfortunately, I and other blue collar gals I know have run into this a lot. (From what I hear, it doesn't seem to happen as much to blue-collar guys but I could be wrong; chime in here, guys, if it's happened to you.) *There was a lot of education snobbery at the Univ. where I worked. *One of the professors told me in dead seriousness, "If you wanted to be treated decently in this life, you should've gotten a college degree."


Wait.  You worked at a university?  Well there you go.  Of course your education level would come up in conversation.  Of course some would look down their snoots at your HS education.

Higher education is the entire focus, the very reason universities exist. It stands to reason that professors and staff would (over) emphasize the importance of advanced degrees. It's typically their employment, their calling, and the source of their social connections.

Outside of the world of academia, the focus on other people's education levels is minimal. College stops coming up in conversation after people's lives focus on other things.


----------



## Devi

Hm. I think I'd flip out if my husband spent his days away with his friends while not caring how I feel. What kind of relationship is that?

I think I'd start spending money on cabs to-and-from. See how he likes that.

Lastly, not all marriages are made in heaven, or are worth preserving.


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## GeorgiaXplant

Not to make light of the situation, but...do you have a cleaning fairy? If not, hire one and tell Himself that it's just way too much for you to keep up with anymore


----------



## officerripley

Butterfly said:


> In my whole life, nobody but prospective employers have ever asked me what my education level is.  It certainly doesn't come up in polite conversation around here  unless people are talking about their old alma mater and football or something.
> 
> Why is your education level any of anybody else's business?  Why do you tell them?


I tell them I have a high school diploma and watch their faces kind of shut down. (I notice that nobody who has only a hs dipl ever asks me; it's always some1 with a degree...funny that.


----------



## officerripley

Giantsfan1954 said:


> Would it do any good to have someone give estimates for making adjustments to your home for senior years, i.e. a stair chairlift, walk in shower, wider doorways, grab bars everywhere?
> Maybe the cost would be a motivator?


That's a good idea; we have no stairs or even steps; the shower is already walk in, but the costs for wider doorways & grab bars might motivate. Though, how he always wins these arguments is, he keeps telling me "Look, you won't have to put up with this place & me much longer; I'm on borrowed time so prob. won't be around much longer & then you can do what you want, etc. etc." (And it's true, as far back as they know on both sides of his family, the oldest anybody ever lived to be was 74 & that was considered ancient. Heavy drinkers on 1 side of the fam and heavy smokers & distrusters of doctors on both sides; so if you made it to your 70s, that was really something.)


----------



## officerripley

StarSong said:


> Wait.  You worked at a university?  Well there you go.  Of course your education level would come up in conversation.  Of course some would look down their snoots at your HS education.
> 
> Higher education is the entire focus, the very reason universities exist. It stands to reason that professors and staff would (over) emphasize the importance of advanced degrees. It's typically their employment, their calling, and the source of their social connections.
> 
> Outside of the world of academia, the focus on other people's education levels is minimal. College stops coming up in conversation after people's lives focus on other things.


Gonna have to disagree with you on your last paragraph; I and others I've talked to have encountered it a lot of other places. For instance, Hubby worked for the city we live in and 1 year the brochure that came around from management announcing the Christmas party literally said (to the best of my recoll.), "It's time for our annual Christmas party for all our valued" [yeah, right] "employees: white collar," [this was understood to be all male employees who worked in 1 of the offices] "pink collar," [understood to be all female office employees] "blue collar," [understood to be any employee who was neither management nor office worker] "and ring-around-the-collar." [Everybody knew that this referred to the hourly, non-benefit-earning employees who of course never worked in management or the office.] "Ring-around-the-collar;" and management says they don't understand why some employees are disgruntled. Uh huh.


----------



## StarSong

officerripley said:


> Gonna have to disagree with you on your last paragraph; I and others I've talked to have encountered it a lot of other places. For instance, Hubby worked for the city we live in and 1 year the brochure that came around from management announcing the Christmas party literally said (to the best of my recoll.), "It's time for our annual Christmas party for all our valued" [yeah, right] "employees: white collar," [this was understood to be all male employees who worked in 1 of the offices] "pink collar," [understood to be all female office employees] "blue collar," [understood to be any employee who was neither management nor office worker] "and ring-around-the-collar." [Everybody knew that this referred to the hourly, non-benefit-earning employees who of course never worked in management or the office.] "Ring-around-the-collar;" and management says they don't understand why some employees are disgruntled. Uh huh.


No idea where you live, but I'd have been outta that city and outta that job.


----------



## ClassicRockr

I always hate hearing about a marriage like you are having. Fortunately, my wife and I truly agree on almost everything. Been married for almost 20 years, in March 2021. She is/was a "saver", but we both decided to start downsizing in 2005 doing community garage sales and just giving away some things to family for Christmas. She had a whole lot more stuff than I ever had. Then, while she was at work, I'd take some things to the Goodwill or Salvation Army. She told me "if you come across things you are sure we don't need, just take them. I don't want to know about it". So, I done exactly that. 

We do darn near everything together. To a point, we are very much "connected at the hips" and that's the way we like our marriage to be. Heck, I even turned her into a major rodeo fan, because I was once involved in it. 

We've both been married twice before, but I was divorced for 22 1/2 years. I hated being single. Have always been the "marriage" type and so was she.

The situation between you and your husband really needs to be looked at. It's very obvious that you aren't happy, but only you can correct that.


----------



## officerripley

StarSong said:


> No idea where you live, but I'd have been outta that city and outta that job.


Wish we could've but couldn't afford to & had elderly fam members we couldn't leave either, sigh.


----------



## Aneeda72

officerripley said:


> Hi, sorry I haven't responded; for some reason even though I've got it set for SF to email when there are new replies to my watched topics, that's not happening, sigh. Anyway, thanks for all the suggestions (I'm def. going to try the chamomile but not lavender which I'm allergic to); Hubby has already told me that he plans to drive until he drops dead and if that's when he's behind the wheel, he says too bad, that won't be his problem. So I guess it doesn't matter that I can't get him to move somewhere within walking distance of stores, etc. because he only likes to walk for recreation, not for something important like going to the store because it reminds him of his younger, poor years when he *had* to walk everywhere.
> 
> (You know, don't ever let anybody tell ya that being poor is actually a good thing because it "builds character." No, it doesn't most of the time; all the people I've known who grew up poor turned into driven, scared-to-death of ever "doing without" again, workaholics or into people who have given up & refuse to save, strive, try for anything, etc. All of 'em.)


Well, , you don’t know enough people, IMO.  I’ve been very poor and yet I managed not to be a workaholic.  I LOVE to garden and don’t mind pulling weeds, from my flower gardens, in the early morning hours.

I have an extremely difficult husband and testing has shown that he is a jerk.  I wish he would go golf and be gone for hours, days, and weeks.  No such luck.  With the virus, we are now together 24/7, oh goody-49 years of marriage.    I love him, and I’d love him more if he was gone somewhere, anywhere.

I am almost through the whole thread, and I’ve read about what you don’t like, but what do you want besides a smaller place?  I wanted to live in an apartment, we did for a few months, then he bought a house again.  Ugh.  Oh, well, back to pulling weeds.


----------



## Aneeda72

StarSong said:


> Why does your husband get to choose whether or not you move?


  Mine gets to choose, he has the money, maybe it’s the same for her.


----------



## OneEyedDiva

officerripley said:


> Yeah
> 
> Yeah, you're right Lewkat; this "prequel" grieving over his brother is hellish. (Hubby's 73.)


Oh Officer...I didn't know your brother in law died! Condolences to the family. And who tried to put you down because you didn't graduate from college. Point me to him/her...I'll beat 'em up!  Officer you are a kind, generous, caring person who deserves the very best. Hell with those who said "we only heard one side of the story".  I trust your side of the story because we've been friends (albeit online) a very long time and I know your heart.  You are right...there are many women in the same (or very similar predicament). It's no walk in the park, so I hope things get resolved for you very soon.


----------



## officerripley

OneEyedDiva said:


> Oh Officer...I didn't know your brother in law died! Condolences to the family. And who tried to put you down because you didn't graduate from college. Point me to him/her...I'll beat 'em up!  Officer you are a kind, generous, caring person who deserves the very best. Hell with those who said "we only heard one side of the story".  I trust your side of the story because we've been friends (albeit online) a very long time and I know your heart.  You are right...there are many women in the same (or very similar predicament). It's no walk in the park, so I hope things get resolved for you very soon.


Oh, I'm sorry, Diva, I didn't express myself clearly (again, sigh): BIL is still alive & hanging in there as best he can but he actually feels worse emotionally than physically; as you can imagine, all of his doctors are telling him his time is limited; he told me he feels sorta like he's on death row in a way, poor guy.

To Aneeda: what I would love is a nice little condo or maybe mobile home park that had a recreation room where there were some activities that I could participate in or somewhere that neighbors were closer & you could at least chat once in a while instead of just watching them at a distance pulling in or out of their driveway. (Although I was told even back before the lockdown that places like that that had activities were getting to be rare; I guess even before the lockdown around here, recreation rooms in most of those places were sitting there dusty & unused.) 

And sometimes I wonder if it's this neighborhood or whole area: shortly after we moved here, I was out in the front yard & a lady who lived a street over pulled her car over & handed me a flyer. She & her husb. were planning to have a yard sale in a coupla months & if any1 else in the neighborhood wanted to also, she'd gladly pay for the ad & list it as a neighborhood sale. Also she had on the flyer that if there was enough interest, they'd be glad to host a bbq in their driveway after the sale. I told her we didn't have anything to sell but would be interested in the bbq; I thought how fun, get to meet the neighbors; be sure & let me know what I can bring, we have an extra grill, etc.

Welp, some weeks later when I was pulling into the neighborhood, I saw her out in her front yard & I pulled over to ask her what the response was. She said "Would you believe that you are the only one who has expressed any interest? In fact, I tried going to every house in this neighborbood [2 long streets of houses] and if I could tell someone was home I went up & rang their doorbell because you're not supposed to put stuff in people's mailboxes. Well, nobody would even answer their door! I guess they thought I was trying to sell something but even after going ahead & putting the flyer in their boxes anyway, I never heard a thing back. So my husband and I are just going to do the yard sale & forget the bbq. Last time I'll try to ever arrange anything social around here." They since moved away, can't blame them, I guess.


----------



## Aneeda72

officerripley said:


> Oh, I'm sorry, Diva, I didn't express myself clearly (again, sigh): BIL is still alive & hanging in there as best he can but he actually feels worse emotionally than physically; as you can imagine, all of his doctors are telling him his time is limited; he told me he feels sorta like he's on death row in a way, poor guy.
> 
> To Aneeda: what I would love is a nice little condo or maybe mobile home park that had a recreation room where there were some activities that I could participate in or somewhere that neighbors were closer & you could at least chat once in a while instead of just watching them at a distance pulling in or out of their driveway. (Although I was told even back before the lockdown that places like that that had activities were getting to be rare; I guess even before the lockdown around here, recreation rooms in most of those places were sitting there dusty & unused.)
> 
> And sometimes I wonder if it's this neighborhood or whole area: shortly after we moved here, I was out in the front yard & a lady who lived a street over pulled her car over & handed me a flyer. She & her husb. were planning to have a yard sale in a coupla months & if any1 else in the neighborhood wanted to also, she'd gladly pay for the ad & list it as a neighborhood sale. Also she had on the flyer that if there was enough interest, they'd be glad to host a bbq in their driveway after the sale. I told her we didn't have anything to sell but would be interested in the bbq; I thought how fun, get to meet the neighbors; be sure & let me know what I can bring, we have an extra grill, etc.
> 
> Welp, some weeks later when I was pulling into the neighborhood, I saw her out in her front yard & I pulled over to ask her what the response was. She said "Would you believe that you are the only one who has expressed any interest? In fact, I tried going to every house in this neighborbood [2 long streets of houses] and if I could tell someone was home I went up & rang their doorbell because you're not supposed to put stuff in people's mailboxes. Well, nobody would even answer their door! I guess they thought I was trying to sell something but even after going ahead & putting the flyer in their boxes anyway, I never heard a thing back. So my husband and I are just going to do the yard sale & forget the bbq. Last time I'll try to ever arrange anything social around here." They since moved away, can't blame them, I guess.


Yup, some neighborhoods are like that and I think this one is one.  Although, we talk to some of the neighbors whether they like it or not, lol.  From a distance, of course, due to the virus.  One thing I like is it’s mostly older folks here, less children, yay.

We checked out mobile home parks.  The rental on the slot is as much as a house payment and mobile homes go down in value, not up.   While parks can raise the rent as much as they want.  In addition, if the park sells their land to a developer, you must move your home or lose it.

Moving a mobile home is expensive and not always possible, so big risk.   With a condo, you own only the air, with a townhouse you own the land, but if you don’t like the neighbors, in both, you are stuck.  That’s why we rented an apartment, to see if he would tolerate it.  He didn‘t.  So now I’m stuck in another money pit of a house.

But it’s hard to make a connection in a multiple living situation.  People are distrustful and afraid you will want something from them.  Most people make friends at the workplace so if you don‘t work you are pretty much out of luck.

You sound like me, I want people around for casual conversation, but not for close relationships.  People always take advantage of me as I am a “soft” touch.  But there are no close relationships now due to the virus.

I would suggest if he ever agrees to move, you rent for a while and make sure it’s what you want.


----------



## Jules

A townhouse on a golf course might appeal to him.  You still want to be in easy distance of amenities. 

Are you on a bus route so you can go shopping?  When I couldn’t drive for a few months, I took the city bus so I wouldn’t be bothering my DH.  He didn’t mind driving me, I just liked my freedom.


----------



## officerripley

Jules said:


> A townhouse on a golf course might appeal to him.  You still want to be in easy distance of amenities.
> 
> Are you on a bus route so you can go shopping?  When I couldn’t drive for a few months, I took the city bus so I wouldn’t be bothering my DH.  He didn’t mind driving me, I just liked my freedom.


There are no townhouses near our 1 golf course, only a mobile home park with no nearby amenities (and the mhp is not cheap but is totally depressing with no greenery, only decorative rocks in the yards because a buncha hard-core golfers live there & the only outdoors they care about is the golf course, I guess). And townhouses (or what they call townhouses around here anyway) are 2 story & we don't want any stairs or steps.

We're quite a ways from the nearest bus stop and I think a buncha the bus routes have been cancelled due to the Rona; almost everybody around here has been laid off, so hardly anybody needing a ride to work. I feel so sorry for all those who have been laid off. What times these are...


----------



## OneEyedDiva

@officerripley  No need to apologize my friend. I didn't read the entire thread so I'm sure I missed something. 

@Aneeda72 Interesting about the mobile home parks..I always wondered about how the land situation worked with mobile homes and RV parks.


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## JustBonee

I live in a senior apartment complex since I lost my husband  ...   What amazes me is the number of older couples living here.  
I often look at them out and about,    and wonder how did their wives ever get them to move into an apartment?  

It sure was nothing that my husband would have  ever considered  while he was alive.


----------



## officerripley

Someone was mentioning earlier about the mhp's and how they can be too expensive, space rents always going up which does happen. But in our area, the mhp with the most expensive space rent is only a little more than half the rent (about $800) for a studio apt in a less-than-ideal section of town; you get to a better section of town & studios are $900-$1,000; 1 bedrooms start at $1200. It's a university town (and a university with a higher-than-usual percentage of wealthy students), so the landlords around here have been getting away with the sky-high rent prices for years.


----------



## Kayelle

Officer, I just completed reading all four of these pages as I missed it when it started.

I have a clear picture now about your whole story so please allow me to give my custom advice. Wink. 

My fantastic husband (@bowmore) responded to you earlier about highly educated snobs, and what he thought of them. What he didn't mention is that he is highly educated with many degrees. I just had two years of college after graduating from a small private high school.

He is kind enough to remark often about how "street smart" I am, and my good common sense. He has always been modest about his superior education with everyone, certainly me. Neither one of us ever share our educational backgrounds. It's simply not the business of anyone, although we chose to tell you.

When we married 12 years ago, we both sold our big houses, and together we bought a perfect place of our own, with no attached memories of our deceased spouses. It was a beautiful brand new 1,400 sq ft manufactured home in a lovely over 55ys. Mobile Home park, complete with a beautiful swimming pool/spa, and a big lovely and active club house where there was always something going on, before Covid. Many of the older homes continue to be replaced by brand new beautiful and well built manufactured house..at a fraction of the cost of any  other California home. The management insists that every house be landscaped and well cared for. 

The neighbors are great, and there are 140 spaces in this over 55 community. We have a fabulous view of the mountain from our pretty front porch. If you have or want  a little dog, you will enjoy walking with the tight knit doggie people, and they  have a big fenced dog park where the dogs play and the "parents" chat in a group...social interactions with masks and friendly folk. What's not to love? We are in a small city of 30,000 with everything we need nearby.

We don't play golf, but there are 3 golf courses within a 15 mile drive.

Our space rent is under $1,000 per month, and includes water, power, gas, sewage and trash fees. We are protected by rent control preventing any unfair rent hike. How's that sound for affordable California living? I've been in this county my entire life, and I'd never choose to live anywhere else.
This place is the best kept secret around, and is 70 miles from the LAX airport when we can finally travel again..I can hardly wait!
By the way, where in California do you live? We are in Ventura County, Santa Barbara is the next city north of us.

Anyway, please email one of us if you want our exact location.  You deserve to be happy.


----------



## oldman

bowmore said:


> Calvin Coolidge quote:
> Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. *Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts*. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.


My wife is a retired Professor at a major university here in the east. From time to time, we have to share time with some of her colleagues. All of these people are super brainiacs while I only have a single degree in Engineering.

On one such evening about seven or eight years ago, they started discussing molecular something or other. This went on for almost two hours. I was so bored that if I could have got my hands on my gun, I may have ended my misery. 

After we got home, my wife asked me if I enjoyed the evening as much as she did. I don’t often lie, but that night I did.


----------



## officerripley

oldman said:


> My wife is a retired Professor at a major university here in the east. From time to time, we have to share time with some of her colleagues. All of these people are super brainiacs while I only have a single degree in Engineering.
> 
> On one such evening about seven or eight years ago, they started discussing molecular something or other. This went on for almost two hours. I was so bored that if I could have got my hands on my gun, I may have ended my misery.
> 
> After we got home, my wife asked me if I enjoyed the evening as much as she did. I don’t often lie, but that night I did.


But a degree in Engineering does too mean you're a brainiac! I read somewhere that not only did Engineering build both the ancient and modern wonders of the world but that it was engineers rather than doctors who helped advance human hygiene and health. Seems like engineers (of all kinds) can do anything!


----------



## JustBonee

oldman said:


> My wife is a retired Professor at a major university here in the east. From time to time, we have to share time with some of her colleagues. All of these people are super brainiacs while I only have a single degree in Engineering.
> 
> On one such evening about seven or eight years ago, they started discussing molecular something or other. This went on for almost two hours. I was so bored that if I could have got my hands on my gun, I may have ended my misery.
> 
> After we got home, my wife asked me if I enjoyed the evening as much as she did. I don’t often lie, but that night I did.



So  how many of those brainiacs  could fly a plane?


----------



## Aneeda72

Bonnie said:


> So  how many of those brainiacs  could fly a plane?


Or make bread from scratch, or make a pie crust, or knit a sweater, or make a fishing net, or sew a blouse, or make a quilt or do a million other things.  A college education and having a high IQ does not mean a person is capable of doing anything else outside of their skill set.

It does not mean they are happier, well liked, or more satisfied with their circumstances than anyone else.


----------



## Kayelle

@officerripley 
I'm just curious if you read the detailed response I left for you yesterday at post #95?


----------



## Pecos

Bonnie said:


> I live in a senior apartment complex since I lost my husband  ...   What amazes me is the number of older couples living here.
> I often look at them out and about,    and wonder how did their wives ever get them to move into an apartment?
> 
> It sure was nothing that my husband would have  ever considered  while he was alive.


My wife and I are in the planning stages of moving into a complex like that. My reasons are fairly simple, but the principal one is that if I have to leave the planet before she does, then I do not want her to be stuck rattling around in this big house by herself, cooking for one, and keeping up with all the details of maintaining a house. She would also be extremely lonely and she needs to be around people. For myself, I am growing weary of yardwork, appliance repair and a host of other details. I sure would not want to be here alone without her.


----------



## RadishRose

Aneeda72 said:


> I have an extremely difficult husband and testing has shown that he is a jerk.


Did they hook him up to a Jerk-O-Meter?


----------



## Aneeda72

RadishRose said:


> Did they hook him up to a Jerk-O-Meter?


 kind of, he had testing, of course, at a medical center which showed his level of rage and other things was high which I already knew.  The doctor who tested him recommend therapy, medication, and that I be very very careful.  I am always very very careful around him-a lesson learned years ago.


----------



## bowmore

Aneeda72 said:


> Or make bread from scratch, or make a pie crust, or knit a sweater, or make a fishing net, or sew a blouse, or make a quilt or do a million other things.  A college education and having a high IQ does not mean a person is capable of doing anything else outside of their skill set.
> 
> It does not mean they are happier, well liked, or more satisfied with their circumstances than anyone else.


One of my favorites quotes from Robert Heinlein
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects


----------



## Butterfly

officerripley said:


> I tell them I have a high school diploma and watch their faces kind of shut down. (I notice that nobody who has only a hs dipl ever asks me; it's always some1 with a degree...funny that.



I still think I'd deflect the question.  It's none of anyone's business except someone who is hiring you. And after that the question is whether or not you are doing the job in an acceptable fashion, unless you are doing a job that requires a license, in which case the question becomes whether or not you are licensed.

Coming from someone in a social or quasi-social situation, I'd find the question offensive and intrusive, like asking me how much I weighed or whether or not I'm a Christian/Jew/Muslim, etc.

I just flat refuse to give people ammunition with which to belittle me.  And I refuse to be belittled by snobs-- the problem is not who you are, it's who THEY are.


----------



## fancicoffee13

officerripley said:


> We are financially able to move into something smaller and nice (now in a too-large house and on an acre and too far out from town now, so when we can no longer drive at all--coming sooner rather than later--hoo boy). And I don't even want to go to the opposite extreme and move into a tiny apt; I'd be happy with a  slightly smaller house & yard or a mobile in a nice park, or a nice little 2 bedrm condo; something where there were people closer in age to us (we're both retired) & maybe they had some activities for residents; our neighborhood now is basically a ghost town 40 hours a week because most of the neighbors are younger & still working. I'm no longer able to volunteer/do clubs, etc. due to driving/health issues & not a churchgoer and I get so darn lonely. But my husband spends most of his time on the golf course; refuses to accept that soon we'll no longer be able to drive (says he's going to drive 'till he drops dead & if that's behind the wheel, so be it); this is not only the nicest place he's ever lived, it's the *only* nice place he's ever lived; so he flat refuses to move; says he's sorry I'm lonely in this neighborhood but "oh well."
> 
> Oh, and we've never had kids, so none that can try to help me convince him to move to somewhere we'll both be happy. (I hear that even if you do have kids, that doesn't always work anyway.)
> 
> I do spend time online which helps only a tiny bit with the loneliness; I'd rather have face-to-face social contacts but as I said above, harder & harder for me to get out & our taxi/uber situation here is subpar. (All of the groups around here for gals in my age group anyway seem to be grandkid or artsy/crafty things, neither of which applies to me.)
> 
> I've tried talking & talking to him about this but he just gets angrier & angrier. (And now, he recently found out his younger brother has terminal cancer, so his emotional state is even more iffy.)
> 
> So any suggestions? And thanks for listening anyway.
> 
> --


I am sorry for the predicament.  I was in something similar while care giving for my husband for the last year he was here.  I liked to watch television, and get on forums.  That is the closest I could get to conversing with other people.  I liked to read, today I do find the word puzzles, and sew masks, anything to keep my mind focused on something.  I used to crochet and quilt, but now I find other hobbies.  An election is coming up, so I buy and read books about views of the two men.  So, this I hope is of some help.


----------



## officerripley

Kayelle said:


> @officerripley
> I'm just curious if you read the detailed response I left for you yesterday at post #95?


Hi, Kayelle, yes I did read your very nice post; sorry it's taken so long to respond (family/lawyer stuff going on, sigh). The place you're living sounds wonderful & I would love to move out of this area but the little bit of family we have (nieces & nephews) are here so we're kind of stuck here. Sounds like you're in a really nice place, though.


----------



## Keesha

That’s a great new avatar photo fancicoffee. Are those new glasses?


----------



## StarSong

Aneeda72 said:


> kind of, he had testing, of course, at a medical center which showed his level of rage and other things was high which I already knew.  The doctor who tested him recommend therapy, medication, and that I be very very careful.  I am always very very careful around him-a lesson learned years ago.


Wow!  I wouldn't remain married or in the same house as someone with a high level of rage, or around whom I had to be "very, very careful."  That's no way to live.


----------



## Keesha

StarSong said:


> Wow!  I wouldn't remain married or in the same house as someone with a high level of rage, or around whom I had to be "very, very careful."  That's no way to live.


Completely agree Starsong. Trust is the foundation of any good relationship and if I can’t trust my partner to not hurt me, I’d rather be on my own.


----------



## 911

Aneeda72 said:


> kind of, he had testing, of course, at a medical center which showed his level of rage and other things was high which I already knew.  The doctor who tested him recommend therapy, medication, and that I be very very careful.  I am always very very careful around him-a lesson learned years ago.


Sounds like he has BPD.


----------



## Kayelle

Aneeda72 said:


> Or make bread from scratch, or make a pie crust, or knit a sweater, or make a fishing net, or sew a blouse, or make a quilt or do a million other things.  A college education and having a high IQ does not mean a person is capable of doing anything else outside of their skill set.
> 
> It does not mean they are happier, well liked, or more satisfied with their circumstances than anyone else.



*Very well said Aneeda!!!*


----------



## Kayelle

officerripley said:


> Hi, Kayelle, yes I did read your very nice post; sorry it's taken so long to respond (family/lawyer stuff going on, sigh). The place you're living sounds wonderful & I would love to move out of this area but the little bit of family we have (nieces & nephews) are here so we're kind of stuck here. Sounds like you're in a really nice place, though.


Darn, I think you would be a great neighbor for me and the rest of the park. Honestly, you can't be so far away from here that your family couldn't come here to visit you. Would you mind telling me how far from Ventura County you are?


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## StarSong

@Kayelle, Ventura County is beautiful!


----------



## oldman

911 said:


> Sounds like he has BPD.


Are you referring to bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? I know a fellow that worked at the airport in Dallas as a lead mechanic that had borderline personality disorder and he always came across as being mad at the world. I think he could have hit the power ball and been unhappy.

I was in Dallas and before takeoff, our gyro on the right side was not working properly, so we requested that a mechanic take a look at it. As the mechanic was on his way to our gate to check out the gyro, we received a call from the shed advising us that this man had issues. The F/O and I walked around him as if we were on eggshells. That’s very uncomfortable.


----------



## Aneeda72

StarSong said:


> Wow!  I wouldn't remain married or in the same house as someone with a high level of rage, or around whom I had to be "very, very careful."  That's no way to live.


Well, that would be your choice, but be aware that men, who have killed men, woman, and children, do not come back from war all sunshine and roses.


----------



## Aneeda72

911 said:


> Sounds like he has BPD.


PTSD


----------



## oldman

Bonnie said:


> So  how many of those brainiacs  could fly a plane?


Now that you mention it, I can’t ever remember any of them even asking me about flying.


----------



## Kayelle

StarSong said:


> @Kayelle, Ventura County is beautiful!


Indeed it is Star Song...you could come and visit and I'll take you to my private beach spot!!


----------



## Kayelle

oldman said:


> Now that you mention it, I can’t ever remember any of them even asking me about flying.


*That's because brainiacks are all too often narcissstic.*
If they had bothered with you joining in the conversation, they could have learned something very interesting about you.


----------



## officerripley

Kayelle said:


> Darn, I think you would be a great neighbor for me and the rest of the park. Honestly, you can't be so far away from here that your family couldn't come here to visit you. Would you mind telling me how far from Ventura County you are?


Hi, Kayelle, I'm about 500 miles from Ventura County.


----------



## Kayelle

officerripley said:


> Hi, Kayelle, I'm about 500 miles from Ventura County.


Awww, shoot! This is such a huge state and you must be way up north. Just the same, my younger son and his little family moved 500 miles away up to Reno, at the start of the pandemic, and I was a real mess.  I miss him like crazy, but he can come home to visit us...not the other way around. At our age, that's agreed without question.
At any rate, I wish you good luck with an unreasonable partner.


----------



## officerripley

Kayelle said:


> Awww, shoot! This is such a huge state and you must be way up north. Just the same, my younger son and his little family moved 500 miles away up to Reno, at the start of the pandemic, and I was a real mess.  I miss him like crazy, but he can come home to visit us...not the other way around. At our age, that's agreed without question.
> At any rate, I wish you good luck with an unreasonable partner.


Thank you, Kayelle.


----------



## StarSong

Kayelle said:


> Indeed it is Star Song...you could come and visit and I'll take you to my private beach spot!!


I will surely take you up on that when this is over.  If our children and grands didn't live on the West Side, the SFV and Simi, we'd have moved to the Port Hueneme or Ventura area upon retirement.  Indeed, we came very close to doing so.  

The deciding factor was the level of care and overseeing that DH and I gave our parents during the last five years of their lives. If either or both of us need our children's help we want to be geographically convenient to them.


----------



## OneEyedDiva

I used to work with someone who became my manager. She called people stupid one time too many and I told her to stop doing that (yes, she was my manager at the time). I told her everyone is not "stupid". The fact is, although she was a college grad and rose to management, she didn't have a drop of common sense or what we call street smarts either. She proved that many times much to our annoyance.


----------



## Sunny

Kayelle said:


> @officerripley
> I'm just curious if you read the detailed response I left for you yesterday at post #95?



Keyelle, did you mean post #98?


----------



## Sunny

I just arrived at this topic (a day late and a dollar short?)  For whatever it's worth, several friends of mine have been through a similar situation. It's always the husband who flatly refuses to move; men seem to get firmly fixed in a house that they love, as if they were attached with cement. Some men do, anyway. (Fortunately, my husband was more flexible and we downsized twice.)

In the case of two couples I'm thinking of, it looked like they were never going to move. Finally the wife, or maybe just common sense, prevailed. Both husbands finally gave in, and as could be predicted, they absolutely loved their new homes.  Don't give up.


----------



## officerripley

Sunny said:


> I just arrived at this topic (a day late and a dollar short?)  For whatever it's worth, several friends of mine have been through a similar situation. It's always the husband who flatly refuses to move; men seem to get firmly fixed in a house that they love, as if they were attached with cement. Some men do, anyway. (Fortunately, my husband was more flexible and we downsized twice.)
> 
> In the case of two couples I'm thinking of, it looked like they were never going to move. Finally the wife, or maybe just common sense, prevailed. Both husbands finally gave in, and as could be predicted, they absolutely loved their new homes.  Don't give up.


Thank you; I'm trying hard not to give up but every time he talks to another man "who let that wife of his talk him into moving & wishes he hadn't", he becomes even more set on staying here. I think maybe why he & I both only seem to know men who did finally agree to downsize for their wives & still wish they hadn't is because any kind of place around here that would be nice to move into is so expensive so most can't afford anything that nice. It always was kind of expensive here--espec. nice seniors' places--and then when the Paradise, CA Camp Fire happened in 2018, 27,000 people there (including 6 of my family) lost their homes & a lot had to find something here (30 min. away from Paradise). So that drove prices up & they've stayed up.

But it's hard; only thing that keeps me going is knowing I'm a member of a large club. thanks for letting me rant.


----------



## Jules

Do you both compromise on other decisions?  If so and conditions change for health or something else, perhaps decisions will have to happen.  Discuss the possibilities.  Although he may not be ready to move, perhaps you both could start downsizing possessions in the event that life changes radically.  Both of you need to be prepared.


----------



## Ladybj

officerripley said:


> Hi, sorry I haven't responded; for some reason even though I've got it set for SF to email when there are new replies to my watched topics, that's not happening, sigh. Anyway, thanks for all the suggestions (I'm def. going to try the chamomile but not lavender which I'm allergic to); Hubby has already told me that he plans to drive until he drops dead and if that's when he's behind the wheel, he says too bad, that won't be his problem. So I guess it doesn't matter that I can't get him to move somewhere within walking distance of stores, etc. because he only likes to walk for recreation, not for something important like going to the store because it reminds him of his younger, poor years when he *had* to walk everywhere.
> 
> (You know, don't ever let anybody tell ya that being poor is actually a good thing because it "builds character." No, it doesn't most of the time; all the people I've known who grew up poor turned into driven, scared-to-death of ever "doing without" again, workaholics or into people who have given up & refuse to save, strive, try for anything, etc. All of 'em.)


I agree to a certain degree.  Growing up without - you learn to survive without a lot of material things.  People that grew up with $$$$ or worked hard and saved, if they happen to loose their savings due to stock market crash, etc. would be lost..don't know which way to turn.  I did not grow up with a Silver spoon but I am doing pretty good.  I am a survival partly due to knowing how it feels to go without in my younger years.  I did not realize we were poor until I grew up and Society told me we were.  Looking back, I applaud my mom (may she RIP). She was a single parent and raised 6 kids in a 1 bedroom - 1 bath house.  I learned survival skills at an early age.  I agree being poor is not a good thing, nor is it a bad thing..depends on your perception and circumstance.


----------



## Aneeda72

StarSong said:


> Wow!  I wouldn't remain married or in the same house as someone with a high level of rage, or around whom I had to be "very, very careful."  That's no way to live.


Oh, really?  So you are all saying, those that agree with @StarSong that if anyone in your family had an illness, that made them have a degree of rage, you would bail?  

That would include various mental illnesses that effect adults, older adults, and children. Anyone who was autistic, and/or mentally retarded.   The brain injured combat veterans; plus the range of brain injured infants who grow into adults-cerebral palsey and similar disorders.

The many brain injured from accidents and the like.

The list goes on and on.  Look around your neighborhoods, you wonder where all those homeless people come from?  They are dumped by their families-from children to older adults.  They are dumped by a system of governmental neglect.  Or they leave because they are convinced they will be better off somewhere else, by someone else.  They aren’t.  The street is no place to live.

Sorry, off topic, no replies necessary.


----------



## StarSong

I said nothing about bailing on children who are autistic, mentally retarded or have cerebral palsy. Since you brought it up though, if in that situation and my  child was unable to thrive under the care I was able to provide, I would be willing to explore other options  that provided everyone greater peace, support, and joy.  

A friend has a severely autistic son. He (and the rest of the family) were miserable when he lived with them. He's in a group home a couple of miles away and my friend sees him several times a week. He and the rest of the family are much calmer and happier. The decision to move him to a group home was wrenching, but turned out to be the best solution for all involved.

I wouldn't live in the same home with someone I feared because of a "high degree" of rage. Neither would I remain in a marriage where my safety or sanity was dependent on my remaining in the constant state of being "very, very careful." 



Aneeda72 said:


> kind of, he had testing, of course, at a medical center which showed his* level of rage and other things was high *which I already knew.  The doctor who tested him recommend therapy, medication, and that I be very very careful.  *I am always very very careful around him-a lesson learned years ago.*


----------



## Aneeda72

StarSong said:


> I said nothing about bailing on children who are autistic, mentally retarded or have cerebral palsy. Since you brought it up though, if in that situation and my  child was unable to thrive under the care I was able to provide, I would be willing to explore other options  that provided everyone greater peace, support, and joy.
> 
> A friend has a severely autistic son. He (and the rest of the family) were miserable when he lived with them. He's in a group home a couple of miles away and my friend sees him several times a week. He and the rest of the family are much calmer and happier. The decision to move him to a group home was wrenching, but turned out to be the best solution for all involved.
> 
> I wouldn't live in the same home with someone I feared because of a "high degree" of rage. Neither would I remain in a marriage where my safety or sanity was dependent on my remaining in the constant state of being "very, very careful."


Children grow up to be adults.  Yes, when a child does not fit into the families situation or makes them miserable they give them up or put them in group homes.  That’s why I have two adopted disabled children.  I fought my son with DS leaving, but as everyone else had left he wanted his “own” life as well.  

Where another family, in my town, took their infant, with DS, and threw him in the trash.  A neighbor, putting her trash out, thought someone had thrown away a kitten.  

I never said I was scared of my husband.  I am not in a “constant state of being very very careful”.  Please don’t put words in my mouth.  Like anyone, with issues, there are great days, good days, and bad days.  

In any event, I am sure your friend is happier with their child elsewhere.  I am sure you, and others, would leave whatever situation you decided did not fit your needs.  I am just as sure many others would stay.  We all do what we need to do.  Sorry, post of off thread-again.


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## StarSong

Please don't judge my friends.  Theirs was a wrenching decision, as I said, and their son thrived as a result of the move.  Not every solution works for every family.  They tried numerous other avenues before he went to that group home on a trial basis.         

It is reprehensible to imagine someone literally throwing out a child for any reason at all. 

There's no point in debating what I might do in hypothetical situations with hypothetical children. You haven't walked a mile in my shoes, nor have I done the same in yours. 
If I misinterpreted your words or intent, I apologize. 
I sincerely hope your life is peaceful and joyful.


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## Aneeda72

StarSong said:


> Please don't judge my friends.  Theirs was a wrenching decision, as I said, and their son thrived as a result of the move.  Not every solution works for every family.  They tried numerous other avenues before he went to that group home on a trial basis.
> 
> It is reprehensible to imagine someone literally throwing out a child for any reason at all.
> 
> There's no point in debating what I might do in hypothetical situations with hypothetical children. You haven't walked a mile in my shoes, nor have I done the same in yours.
> If I misinterpreted your words or intent, I apologize.
> I sincerely hope your life is peaceful and joyful.


I wasn’t judging I was agreeing with you.  When my total care son decided he wanted to move, it was great.  Changing his diaper, feeding him, getting him dressed, like a newborn only 22 years old and almost 6 feet tall, I did not object.


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## StarSong

Aneeda72 said:


> I wasn’t judging I was agreeing with you.  When my total care son decided he wanted to move, it was great.  Changing his diaper, feeding him, getting him dressed, like a newborn only 22 years old and almost 6 feet tall, I did not object.


Many times posts are misinterpreted because of the lack of tone, body language, facial expressions and other bits of communication are missing.

Again, i offer sincere apologies if I misunderstood your communication.


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## Aneeda72

StarSong said:


> Many times posts are misinterpreted because of the lack of tone, body language, facial expressions and other bits of communication are missing.
> 
> Again, i offer sincere apologies if I misunderstood your communication.


It’s all good


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