# Our foster daughter might be leaving us soon



## Murrmurr (Mar 25, 2022)

Li'l K's caseworker came for the monthly visit yesterday. After the usual nosing around to do the child-safety check list and sniff the crib sheet and all that, she told us that K's mother didn't show up at the rehab center when she was supposed to, and they don't know where she is. The caseworker went down a short list of names K's mother gave her and she finally got a-hold of someone who had the name and phone number of K's maternal grandmother.

The caseworker had a long phone conversation with K's grandmother. She's actually talked to her 3 times now. The grandmother lives in Utah. She and K's mommy are recently estranged. She knew about the baby but she didn't know she was taken into custody by CPS. She wants the baby very badly, and she's willing to move here if necessary. They're doing a background check and credit history on her now. If all that checks out, CPS will ask someone at Utah's Child Services to inspect Grandma's home. And if that checks out, they'll let Grandma have Li'l K within the next 2 or 3 months.

If K's mom enters rehab before April 11th, and Grandma passes all the above checks to become K's new foster parent, she'll be asked to move somewhere within Sacramento County to be near the visitors center, because mommy will get visitation with K at some point and she won't be allowed to leave the state. 

If K's mom _does not_ enter rehab before the11th, then Grandma has to come to Sacramento to visit Li'l K at the visitors center once or twice a week for a total of 12 visits, plus take her for at least 3 overnight visits. She can do the overnights at a local motel if she needs to.

So, whether K's mom goes to rehab or not, Grandma will get to be Li'l K's new foster parent _provided_ she passes the background check, her credit is good, her home is nice and safe, and she does all the "transitional visits". And that should take 2 or 3 months.


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## katlupe (Mar 25, 2022)

I don't know if that is good or bad. Depends on what Grandma is like. How do you and Michelle feel about that?


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## Murrmurr (Mar 25, 2022)

katlupe said:


> I don't know if that is good or bad. Depends on what Grandma is like. How do you and Michelle feel about that?


It happened too soon. That's how we feel, anyway. We were so sure no relatives were going to come forward at this point.

But yes, if she's a good person and she'll love her granddaughter, then this is good for Li'l K. It's great, actually.

One of the things the caseworker will look into is whether or not the grandmother is an enabler, you know what I mean? K's mother's addiction is heroin. The caseworker and another social worker will interview the grandmother and they'll ask her if she's ever given her daughter money or let her pawn stuff of hers, or let her stay in her house during withdrawals, that sort of thing. The caseworker said it's a pretty tough interview.


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## Kika (Mar 25, 2022)

I'm sure you have a bag of mixed feelings about the possibility.  You do have a great attitude, and that's a big part of what makes you and Michelle great foster parents.


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## Tish (Mar 25, 2022)

I really hope and pray this all works out for the wee one.


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## Remy (Mar 25, 2022)

Wow. First thoughts, that poor kid is like thing, a ball getting tossed about. I get that grandparent's raise grandkids, in fact I've read it's an epidemic. But with the bio mother having such issues, you have to wonder their root. It could have been nothing the parents did. One never knows.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 25, 2022)

Holy Moley! Paxton's caseworker, the one in Amador County that I gripe about and wrote a Letter of Grievance about for 100 reasons?...she got fired!! She can never work for CPS again!

Jackie (Paxton's grandma) just called me and told me that after they got my letter and letters from other people, too, CPS investigated the worker and found out that she has provided some of the parents of kids in her case-load with cocaine, crack, and weed, and she's "partied" with them! That's on top of not doing her job, like getting Paxton therapy.

So, she's fired and Paxton starts therapy next week!


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## Pinky (Mar 25, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Holy Moley! Paxton's caseworker, the one in Amador County that I gripe about and wrote a Letter of Grievance about for 100 reasons?...she got fired!! She can never work for CPS again!
> 
> Jackie (Paxton's grandma) just called me and told me that after they got my letter and letters from other people, too, CPS investigated the worker and found out that she has provided some of the parents of kids in her case-load with cocaine, crack, and weed, and she's "partied" with them! That's on top of not doing her job, like getting Paxton therapy.
> 
> So, she's fired and Paxton starts therapy next week!


Good to hear that Paxton starts therapy soon .. about time!


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## Murrmurr (Mar 25, 2022)

Remy said:


> Wow. First thoughts, that poor kid is like thing, a ball getting tossed about. I get that grandparent's raise grandkids, in fact I've read it's an epidemic. But with the bio mother having such issues, you have to wonder their root. It could have been nothing the parents did. One never knows.


True. That's why they put them through this tough interview. The questions were designed by some famous psychiatrist. The answers get points, the points are added up, and the total rates the persons honesty and gives a personality profile.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 25, 2022)

Remy said:


> Wow. First thoughts, that poor kid is like thing, a ball getting tossed about. I get that grandparent's raise grandkids, in fact I've read it's an epidemic. But with the bio mother having such issues, you have to wonder their root. It could have been nothing the parents did. One never knows.


BTW... "that poor kid is like a thing, a ball getting tossed about." That's exactly how foster kids feel.


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## RadishRose (Mar 25, 2022)

I am delighted to hear Paxton's caseworker is gone! Thankfully, you and others like you care enough to take a stand!

I can't remember Frank, help me out... who does Paxton live with now?

Hopefully, Lil K will land someplace good for her and she will thrive.


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## MickaC (Mar 25, 2022)

@Murrmurr ........I have great respect for yourself and Michelle having the never ending love and dedication for your foster family members.
To say the least.....it's one of the toughest jobs ever, being foster parents.
I had fostered for 7 years a while back.
There should be more like you.
Hope things end up being positive.


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## Remy (Mar 25, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> BTW... "that poor kid is like a thing, a ball getting tossed about." That's exactly how foster kids feel.


I can imagine. I wasn't in foster care but being the child of a borderline, I've called myself my mother's purse. She had to have me with her but didn't care if I was happy or anything. Only that I existed. I feel bad for these kids if they don't have a good foundation as they are raised. I know how it is. I'd almost hope that child could be permanently adopted but with a relative on the scene, doesn't seem it will happen. Or a parent who could have the kid at some point. Grandparents can do great jobs. It has to be hard on you since you obviously care about the child. I couldn't even give a pet away and this child will essentially be taken from you.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 25, 2022)

Remy said:


> I can imagine. I wasn't in foster care but being the child of a borderline, I've called myself my mother's purse. She had to have me with her but didn't care if I was happy or anything. Only that I existed. I feel bad for these kids if they don't have a good foundation as they are raised. I know how it is. I'd almost hope that child could be permanently adopted but with a relative on the scene, doesn't seem it will happen. Or a parent who could have the kid at some point. Grandparents can do great jobs. It has to be hard on you since you obviously care about the child. I couldn't even give a pet away and this child will essentially be taken from you.


The one positive thing about her being taken now is that she's only 2 1/2-months-old. If that was years, then being taken from the only parents she's ever known would be devastating. That's what happened with Paxton, and it changed him...a LOT.

I gave the current caseworker permission to give our phone numbers to the grandmother. I'd like to get to know her at least over the phone, but this also lets us know how interested she is in how the baby is doing. It says a lot if she calls soon and often, and asks certain questions. 

Good questions are: what does she eat, is she hitting her milestones, do you mind sending me a picture of her, how soon can I come see her? 

Bad ones are: does she cry a lot, puke a lot, is she loud, cranky?...any question that indicates she's worried about having a baby around.


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## Murrmurr (Mar 25, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> I am delighted to hear Paxton's caseworker is gone! Thankfully, you and others like you care enough to take a stand!
> 
> I can't remember Frank, help me out... who does Paxton live with now?
> 
> Hopefully, Lil K will land someplace good for her and she will thrive.


He and his younger siblings (twins) are still with the same foster family, but CPS will recommend the court give mom custody at a hearing next month.

I'm wondering if they're going to thoroughly review his case first, considering his caseworker is a total flake. But probably not, unless some big huge issue stands out.


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## Jace (Mar 25, 2022)

Your post @your foster-daughter is heartfelt
and it is hoped it will all work out for the best for everyone!


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## hollydolly (Mar 25, 2022)

Well as many of you know I was a kid in and out of foster homes from the age of 14 months , then back to my abusive parent ( mainly my father who was the physically abusive one, my mother more  mentally abusive ).. then back in a foster home when my mother was either ill or had attempted suicide.

I know what it feels like to know you're not in a home that's your parents.. but has some structure .. even if it;s a bunch of 'aunties'  in an orphanage who are not your parents who don't act like parents, but  more like school teachers, we'd have to scrub floors on hands and knees in some places, and we got smacked with a slipper if we were out of line .. but at least there was structure , and rules, and  good food, and decent clothing, and even a small amount of pocket money each week .. no going to school with cardboard in your shoes in a failed attempt at keeping the wet out,  .. ... and yet I yearned for my parents to come and get me.. ...and eventually they would..

To live in a private  home with foster parents who had children of their own, and yet feel the odd one out...  but be fed and  cared for , but always be the newbie at yet another school... never have any long lasting friends..,  ..and STILL wish to be back with my parents.. always _somehow_ forgetting the verbal and physical abuse, the hunger, the lack of basic amenities like bedding, food, toys ... until I was back there again..... and the abuse would start again after the first few days at home.. , and I'd ask god in my prayers for a nice family..

Perhaps if my foster life hadn't been so transient and I'd been fostered by a good family from the onset and left there, I wouldn't have yearned for my own parents and siblings ...who knows,?. I never will.. but I do know that sending a child to different foster families for years is never going to make  for a confident happy child..

To this day .. at 66 years old... I am stoic about everything, having _suffered_ just about everything.. but  the constant to and fro-ing from one family to another  throughout childhood, has left me with a life long horror of rejection..and I can cope with anything but I cannot cope with _that._..


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## Gary O' (Mar 25, 2022)

Our foster daughter might be leaving us soon​Always a tough one
The toughest




hollydolly said:


> but I do know that sending a child to different foster families for years is never going to make for a confident happy child..


But you sure turned out......right @hollydolly ?


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## hollydolly (Mar 25, 2022)

Gary O' said:


> Our foster daughter might be leaving us soon​Always a tough
> The toughest
> 
> 
> ...


bless you Gary...but the internal demons are still there, and really not far from the surface... unfortunately


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## jujube (Mar 25, 2022)

All we can hope for is that the best outcome for Lil K happens.  If it means being raised by a loving, stable grandmother, that is good.  If she stays in your loving, stable hands, that is good.

God bless you. God bless Grandma. God bless Lil K.


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## Jan14 (Mar 25, 2022)

My hat is off to you for being a foster parent.  Let’s hope this is a positive thing for Little K, if she goes to Grandma.  Being with family is preferred.  I’m sure your love and nurturing gave her a good start!


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## dseag2 (Mar 25, 2022)

Frank, you and Michelle are saints to foster this little girl.  Your posts have shown that you are one of the most genuine, caring people on SF.  Much respect to you.

I'm sure it can't be easy to let her go to someone you really don't know.  If K's grandmother ultimately adopts her, I hope she has your same caring nature and will give her a good, loving home.


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## Gary O' (Mar 26, 2022)

dseag2 said:


> Frank, you and Michelle are saints to foster this little girl. Your posts have shown that you are one of the most genuine, caring people on SF. Much respect to you.


A big* AMEN *to *THAT!*


dseag2 said:


> I'm sure it can't be easy to let her go to someone you really don't know. If K's grandmother ultimately adopts her, I hope she has your same caring nature and will give her a good, loving home.


That's the hope, and prayer


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## Murrmurr (Mar 26, 2022)

Gary O' said:


> A big* AMEN *to *THAT!*
> 
> That's the hope, and prayer


The Grandmother called at 8 o'clock this morning! That's a good sign, like she could hardly wait to talk to us.

She sounds really nice. She asked for pictures and said she's really anxious to meet Kailee and she wants to meet us, too. She asked if we need anything for the baby, and said she already went shopping and bought a bunch of stuff for her. She sounded excited and happy.

This is all good! I want to talk to her more, but so far I'm feeling so relieved...way less worried.


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## PamfromTx (Mar 26, 2022)




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## Pepper (Mar 26, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> To this day .. at 66 years old... I am stoic about everything, having _suffered_ just about everything.. but  the constant to and fro-ing from one family to another  throughout childhood, has left me with a life long horror of rejection..and I can cope with anything but I cannot cope with _that._..


I want to say something but have no words...........................hugs, kisses and a shoulder to lean on is all I have, and my shoulder ain't in good shape, as is the rest of me, but I'd do my best that we both don't fall down.


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## hollydolly (Mar 26, 2022)

Pepper said:


> I want to say something but have no words...........................hugs, kisses and a shoulder to lean on is all I have, and my shoulder ain't in good shape, as is the rest of me, but I'd do my best that we both don't fall down.


I knew there was a reason I chose you as my buddy.... ...bless your heart..


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