# Did your birth order impact your personality?



## Ralphy1 (May 7, 2015)

Proponents of birth order theory believe that whether you were first, last, in the middle, or even an only, that this shaped your personality to a great extent.  I certainly buy into this theory as the only boy with three older sisters, and I know the impact it had on me which I am still trying to recover from...


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## Ameriscot (May 7, 2015)

I believe it as well.  Statistically, the vast majority of leaders are the eldest or youngest child.  I am the second of four and am not a leader, but child number one and 4 are.  Middle children often have an identity problem.  

Funny that all 3 of my husbands were/are eldest children.  The first was the oldest of 11, the second the oldest of 4, and the final one is the oldest of 6.


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## Ralphy1 (May 7, 2015)

Interesting, and the middles are definitely identity challenged by comparison.  Oldest and the only are the leaders according to the research, but the youngest tend to be playful and more irresponsible rather than leaders in most cases, but they can rise up with an attitude that I will show them and be leaders at some point...


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## Ameriscot (May 7, 2015)

Ralphy1 said:


> Interesting, and the middles are definitely identity challenged by comparison.  Oldest and the only are the leaders according to the research, but the youngest tend to be playful and more irresponsible rather than leaders in most cases, but they can rise up with an attitude that I will show them and be leaders at some point...



Yes, forgot about only children - they are often leaders.  Youngest sibling in my family is the star of the family.  He is a leader, much moreso than the oldest.  If he ran for president, he'd get my vote.


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## Ralphy1 (May 7, 2015)

There is an old joke that Christ didn't turn out too bad for an only child...nthego:


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## Kadee (May 7, 2015)

I'm the eldest of 8 , (6 Living) so what type of person is that suppose to make me?? I know myself I have always been responsible, reliable  type of person, more than likely because I was responsible for the care of my younger siblings.


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## Ralphy1 (May 7, 2015)

You perfectly fit a portion of the theory about being the oldest by being reliable and responsible...


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## Kadee (May 7, 2015)

Oh I will take that as a complement as that's the way I see myself


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## Ralphy1 (May 7, 2015)

You have earned it if you did well by your siblings...


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## hollydolly (May 7, 2015)

I'm the eldest..of a second family. My elder brother from a previous marriage of my fathers' never lived with us...

I am definitely the leader in my family..my elder brother was raised basically as an only child by my grandparents and is a very quiet personality..

My daughter however, an only child is very much a leader and a go-getter.. and succesful at everything she turns her hand to..


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## Ralphy1 (May 7, 2015)

The theory is holding up very well here it seems...


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## merlin (May 7, 2015)

Ralphy1 said:


> Proponents of birth order theory believe that whether you were first, last, in the middle, or even an only, that this shaped your personality to a great extent.  I certainly buy into this theory as the only boy with three older sisters, and I know the impact it had on me which I am still trying to recover from...



Yes I too believe it does have a great effect Ralphy, I was the eldest of three, and found out later in life that my brother, the middle child, always felt and resented that I was favourite, and that my sister was always treated better than he was. I think the gender of the other siblings affects your personality too.
I have found many only children I have met, to be quite selfish and self absorbed, presumably because they got all the attention of their parents, but then I guess it depends on the parents attitude, as you could become quite introverted and possibly precocious?

I truly sympathise with you growing up with three older sisters :uncomfortableness:


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## Kadee (May 7, 2015)

Ralphy1 said:


> You have earned it if you did well by your siblings...


Well Ralphy don't really know how to answer that, because most of my siblings we're put into foster homes when I left home at 19 , due to my mother / step fathers alcoholism ..


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## Ralphy1 (May 7, 2015)

Well, you probably shouldn't feel guilty for not shepherding them further due to the extenuating circumstances.  I hope they survived OK...


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## QuickSilver (May 7, 2015)

I was an only child for the first 12 years of my life.   I feel a bit of anger, because I was used by my parents as a little servant...  Much of my teen years spend taking care of my much younger sibling, and my mother, who had a propensity for getting the vapors and taking to her bed, leaving me to cook, clean and basically run the house.  In the end.. it was my male sibling who received all the accolades...  I was kicked to the curb, which is what you can do to servants I guess.


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## Ralphy1 (May 7, 2015)

Yes, the oldest can be put in that position and build a reservoir of resentment, my ex went thru the same thing...


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## QuickSilver (May 7, 2015)

Ralphy1 said:


> Yes, the oldest can be put in that position and build a reservoir of resentment, my ex went thru the same thing...



and it has long-lasting psychological effects.  The oldest always feels "responsible" for everyone else's welfare and happiness.   It's hard to shake the feeling of responsibility.   If something happens, always feeling somehow at fault, and burdened with the questions of "woulda" "coulda" "shoulda".   I still feel like the caretaker of everyone I love.  My husband, and my kids have to deal with my hyper vigilance.   I am working on stopping it, but at 66..it's a challenge.

While it's good to give a child a sense of responsibility, it certainly can be overdone.. and I'm living proof.


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## Ralphy1 (May 7, 2015)

It is very hard to change one's behavior, but if you have informed them of the reason for your vigilance they can politely tell you to back off when it happens...


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## QuickSilver (May 7, 2015)

Ralphy1 said:


> It is very hard to change one's behavior, but if you have informed them of the reason for your vigilance they can politely tell you to back off when it happens...




lol!! oh they certainly do...


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## Josiah (May 7, 2015)

I'm one of those quite selfish and self absorbed only children.


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## Ralphy1 (May 7, 2015)

The only child does gets the benefit of all of the family resources but doesn't get to share family responsibilities, such as caring for aging parents.  Definitely a very different perspective on life...


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## Josiah (May 7, 2015)

Regarding my only child status, having none of the toughening experiences of sibling conflict has left me very intolerant of violence.


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## Ralphy1 (May 7, 2015)

My sisters kept me in my place on a regular basis...


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## Ameriscot (May 7, 2015)

My stepdaughter is an only child and was spoiled.  Her child is intended to be an only child as well even though she says she sometimes wished she had siblings.


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## Ralphy1 (May 7, 2015)

Seems like she might repeat the cycle...


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## Shalimar (May 7, 2015)

QS that is horrible!


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## NancyNGA (May 7, 2015)

Being an only child is more unpredictable, imo.  It then depends on whether you are able to socialize with other kids, and on your parents' philosophy of raising kids.  I didn't have any playmates until I was 5 and a neighbor boy my age moved in next door.  Up to that time I had to behave and try to talk "grown up" things, else be ignored.    I was a grown up at age 5, and have regressed ever since, lol.

Josiah, I don't like conflict either, but mostly because I'm no good at it.


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## QuickSilver (May 7, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> QS that is horrible!



I was never physically abused... I just had a lot of responsibility heaped on me.  Cleaning, ironing, babysitting, grocery shopping, sometimes cooking and seeing to it that my father's lunch was made and he had coffee before work.  All things my mother should have been doing, instead of taking to her bed for days at a time for menstrual cramps.  My mother was basically pretty lazy, and used illness as an excuse to foist things on me.   I didn't complain because I really believed she was horribly ill.  Only when I got older did I realize it was mostly an act to lay in bed or on the sofa watching soaps.  I also realized she was never sick on weekends when she and my father would go out and leave me with the baby.   Only in hindsight can you put two and two together.


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## Shalimar (May 7, 2015)

QS I still think that was emotional abuse. Sounds like she might have been a bit of a narcissist.


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## QuickSilver (May 7, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> QS I still think that was emotional abuse. Sounds like she might have been a bit of a narcissist.



Mom played the "helpless" card quite often.  Only now do I realize what power that wields in family dynamics.   If you are "helpless" the other members move in to pick up your slack.. and even most times do so gladly... because you are weak and incapable.  Do you see the power in that?   I sure do.


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## Ameriscot (May 7, 2015)

That's awful, QS.  How horribly selfish of your mother.


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## QuickSilver (May 7, 2015)

Playing armchair psychologist here... I'm not sure how much was her fault.  She was an only child raised by a VERY domineering and intense mother who called all the shots.  She didn't let my mother do anything because she of course could not do it as well as her mother could..  Even when it came to washing her hair and putting it up in pin curls.  Grandma did that for her until her wedding night.   Mom was not allowed to take me to her apartment with my father after I was born because the apartment was not "warm" enough, and my mother needed to stay in bed while grandma took over my care..  So it was an instilled pattern..  for sure..  I don't think entirely selfish, just ingrained.  My mother was a "go with the flow sort of person and didn't want to argue or rock the boat with her mother.       I have the insight now to look at things with a more open mind.  Believe me, I have analyzed this over and over.  I'm no longer bitter..  Just pretty sad.  It could have been so much better.


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## Cookie (May 7, 2015)

QS, sounds like your mom had some problems, sorry it was a negative experience for you.  

I was the youngest child and from what I have read about birth order, fit the description.  My relationship with my oldest sister has now gone from bad to worse and frankly scarlett... is how I now feel about it. My parents and I'm sure everyone our age's parents had not an iota about what they were doing when bringing up children, some were better at it than others, some were just very bad, so if you wonder why you feel the way you do, birth order (and sibling rivalry) IMO opinion is probably why. 

I find my older sister so hard to relate to, she seems to have been born in a much different era, very responsible, conservative, perfectionist, proper and almost two dimensional, compared to me who my family describes as very outspoken, free thinking and liberal in my lifestyle and views. My sister likes to wear soft neutral colors and pastels while I prefer more bright colors, for example.  

I've seen many articles and read some books on it, trying to figure out how to fix my relationship with my sister, these article are pretty basic but sum it up pretty well.

http://www.parentguidenews.com/Articles/FamilyDynamics

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/how-birth-order-affects-personality_b_4494385.html


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## Glinda (May 7, 2015)

I am the second of four children and the only girl.  My older brother turned out to have high academic intelligence but a deficit of common sense.  He also repeatedly proved to be so unworthy of trust, he alienated all three of his siblings.  But he still tries to "lord it over" and manipulate his three siblings.  We ignore him.  My next younger brother and I are very close.  He is highly intellectual and a bit eccentric.  Always knows all the answers on Jeopardy.  Walking encyclopedia.  He is gay.  Our youngest brother is the quiet, responsible, reliable guy who is lovable and fun if you keep him away from the subject of religion.  Me?  Well, as you know, I turned out to be a witch who tries to be good but occasionally fails.


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## Lon (May 7, 2015)

I have no idea what effect my being a only child with two older sisters from mother's prior marriage has had on me.  I do know that both sisters spoiled me.


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## Cookie (May 7, 2015)

My father was the baby of the family, his two much older sisters spoiled him rotten, according to my mother, and he was a holy terror, demanding and selfish.

I'm sure that is not the case with you, though Lon.  Everyone is so different. Spoiled sometimes just means a child is treated with very special love and attention.


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## QuickSilver (May 7, 2015)

Oh how I would have loved to have been spoiled.   My father claims I was... blames my domineering Grandmother.. and she blamed him for not providing for me very well .   Guess I had the bad luck to be the weapon two strong willed people used to beat each other over the head with.


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## Cookie (May 7, 2015)

QS, thank goodness those people aren't around any more to do any more damage.  Now we are left with dealing with what they left behind, i.e. our broken relationships with our sibling(s).


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## QuickSilver (May 7, 2015)

Yep..  doubt that I will ever reconnect with my  sibling.. We haven't spoken in 11 years, since he received ALL of my father's estate leaving me with a pair of table lamps!...  lol!!     Sad..  I am sure he is embarrassed and feels very guilty.. but that is not my problem.   If he approached me I wouldn't turn away from his gesture.  BUT..  I think he is afraid I will demand half the money back.    What he doesn't know is it was NOT the money.. it was the betrayal that hurt.

As for the rest of them... They are ALL buried within several feet of one another in the local cemetery.   Needless to say, my final resting place will be elsewhere.


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## Cookie (May 7, 2015)

Sometimes its to best to let sleeping dogs lie (no pun intended).  Betrayal is the worst thing and very hurtful -- and hard to figure out why, especially when there's no communication. I've pretty much given up trying too, and just moving on with my own life.


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## QuickSilver (May 7, 2015)

Cookie said:


> Sometimes its to best to let sleeping dogs lie (no pun intended).  Betrayal is the worst thing and very hurtful -- and hard to figure out why, especially when there's no communication. I've pretty much given up trying too, and just moving on with my own life.



I agree... as have I.


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## Shalimar (May 7, 2015)

QS tyranny of the weak can be an immensely toxic family dynamic.


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## Ameriscot (May 7, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> QS tyranny of the weak can be an immensely toxic family dynamic.



It sure can.


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## Cookie (May 7, 2015)

Further reading, for anyone who cares

http://www.amazon.com/Birth-Order-Book-The-Why-ebook/dp/B001C33RYK


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## Kadee (May 7, 2015)

QuickSilver said:


> I was never physically abused... I just had a lot of responsibility heaped on me.  Cleaning, ironing, babysitting, grocery shopping, sometimes cooking and seeing to it that my father's lunch was made and he had coffee before work.  All things my mother should have been doing, instead of taking to her bed for days at a time for menstrual cramps.  My mother was basically pretty lazy, and used illness as an excuse to foist things on me.   I didn't complain because I really believed she was horribly ill.  Only when I got older did I realize it was mostly an act to lay in bed or on the sofa watching soaps.  I also realized she was never sick on weekends when she and my father would go out and leave me with the baby.   Only in hindsight can you put two and two together.


Q/S that sounds like my mother she was never to sick to go to the hotel,but when she/ they came home in the middle of the night she was to sick to get something to eat and I would have to get up and make her something. The same when it came to cooking, washing my mother was always "sick" so I had to stay home from school to do the washing/ cooking babysitting
However I agree we move on and made our own lives ,I always think we'll our parents paid for their abuse of their own bodies by passing away young.


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## SeaBreeze (May 7, 2015)

I was the youngest of four, but I don't think I was a typical case.  I was a change of life baby, my mother didn't know she was pregnant for six months, luckily she didn't smoke or drink, lol.  She didn't have me until she was 40.   Anyhoo, since I was unplanned and unexpected, they made the best of it and loved me anyway.   My older brother and sisters didn't particularly want to be sudden baby sitters for me, that's for sure.  My mother didn't work outside the home, but she didn't expect to be caring for another baby.  I wasn't particularly spoiled at all, I wore hand me downs and was tolerated in a loving way.  Considering the circumstances, I was lucky to be born into such a caring family...no complaints here.


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## Cookie (May 7, 2015)

That sounds like it was pretty nice, SB, 40 isn't too old to have a baby anymore, and as a later in life baby, it is almost like being an only child. In our parents day, just about all children were unplanned and not really expected, and you were deeply loved and had a nice caring family and home. A very sweet deal, I think.

My mom told me that after my older sister was born she wasn't intending on having any more kids because it had been so hard for her with the first one dying during the war in Europe and the my sister weak and sickly. So when I came along I surprised them by being a robust healthy post war baby that didn't need much fussing over, and she was glad to have me. However, as the second child, I was way more precocious than my older sister, but that was not a big deal to my mother after what she'd been through with her two previous babies. My older sister often told me that I got away with everything.


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## SeaBreeze (May 7, 2015)

You're right Cookie, I don't think they ever planned back then.  I'm glad you were a healthy baby, I can't imagine how your mother must have felt losing a child like that and having another baby who was so sickly.  I think your older sister was exaggerating, you didn't get away with everything. :love_heart:


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## Cookie (May 7, 2015)

Thanks SB, for being so understanding. And your right, your lucky to have been born into such a caring family and thereby being a such a caring person yourself.


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## DoItMyself (May 7, 2015)

Both my wife and I were the eldest children of our respective families.  We both were most decidedly the alpha personalities, willing to take risks for big rewards, and we're the ones that the remainder of the families look to for advice.  We were also both by far the most successful of our immediate families.


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