# Got lifelong regrets?



## Amethyst1 (Jun 29, 2013)

Have you any significant regrets these days? Goals or dreams that
you know cannot be realized in the future? I have  thought that it
is too late for me to expect good career changes (since I will probably retire
in the near future anyway) plus ageism against me. And now I find out that
moving to a high altitude out west is an unhealthy move for me as a retirement
relocation. That's only part of it. It seems that fate has a hand in this.

You?


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## That Guy (Jun 29, 2013)

I have many, many regrets.  One that sticks with me is losing a wonderful woman because I took her love for granted.


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## SifuPhil (Jun 29, 2013)

No regrets. Also no expectations, so I shouldn't have any regrets in the future either.


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## FishWisher (Jun 29, 2013)

My only regret has been my (now slightly diminished) good looks. Sure, when I was young it was nice to have the gals flock around, but the broken hearts in my wake still give me pain. Yep. That's about the sum total of my regret. I'm sure my look-alike, Tom Seleck, feels about the same.

Surely y'all can see the uncanny resemblance (and I don't mean me and the fish):


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## SeaBreeze (Jun 29, 2013)

FishWisher said:


> My only regret has been my (now slightly diminished) good looks. Sure, when I was young it was nice to have the gals flock around, but the broken hearts in my wake still give me pain. Yep. That's about the sum total of my regret. I'm sure my look-alike, Tom Seleck, feels about the same.
> Surely y'all can see the uncanny resemblance (and I don't mean me and the fish):



Now now...your looks aren't diminished at all, it just must be your aging eyesight playing tricks on you, lol!  If you had Tom stand next to you holding a big lunker like that, I couldn't tell you two apart! 

:shark:


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## SeaBreeze (Jun 29, 2013)

Amethyst1 said:


> Have you any significant regrets these days? Goals or dreams that
> you know cannot be realized in the future? I have  thought that it
> is too late for me to expect good career changes (since I will probably retire
> in the near future anyway) plus ageism against me. And now I find out that
> ...



I found that it's a big waste of precious life moments to dwell on the past, and what might have been.  That time has passed, so nothing that was done can be changed anyway, and feeling guilty or sad about it is senseless, and it lowers the quality of your life right now, and possibly in the future.  

I recommend that you encourage yourself to have a change of heart and develop a more positive attitude about your existence, *present *and *future*.  You'll be surprised how powerful your mind can be, once you decide to make the change.  Use that saying that tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life, make it be as good as possible, and continue to improve from there.

Like you say, it doesn't make sense to fret over expecting a big career change now, especially since you will likely retire soon anyway...as long as you're financially able to meet your expenses, bills, etc.  Also, don't regret growing old, many are denied that privilege...think of it as a new beginning for you.

Do you have some respiratory issues where you can't live at higher altitudes?  If so, just make some changes in your plans, and seek another location that won't cause you any health problems.  Better to live in a place where you feel better, not worse.  What do you mean that fate had a hand in this?

Regardless, you cannot progress in your golden years if you don't let go of the past.  Regrets provide no positive effects on our life today, or in our future.  Hoping you can change your outlook a bit, think positive, you won't regret it...:love_heart:


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## JustBonee (Jun 30, 2013)

^^^^this.

No regrets for me.  Looking back will only defeat you.
Stay busy and think happy positive thoughts.


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## TICA (Jun 30, 2013)

You can't change the past so accept it and learn from it, if there is something to learn.  When I look back, I think I might have done a lot of things differently, but that doesn't mean the outcome would have been any better - different maybe, but not a guarantee of better.

I'm really quite happy with where I am in life right now and not worried about the future either.  It is what it is and if I don't like where I am at any particular moment, I have the power to change it.   We all have that power.


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## Ozarkgal (Jun 30, 2013)

FishWisher said:


> My only regret has been my (now slightly diminished) good looks. Sure, when I was young it was nice to have the gals flock around, but the broken hearts in my wake still give me pain. Yep. That's about the sum total of my regret. I'm sure my look-alike, Tom Seleck, feels about the same.
> 
> Surely y'all can see the uncanny resemblance (and I don't mean me and the fish):


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## That Guy (Jun 30, 2013)

FishWisher said:


> My only regret has been my (now slightly diminished) good looks.



I'd say you're still a damn good lookin' fish...


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## That Guy (Jun 30, 2013)

As expected, everyone seems to be in the "I have no regrets" camp which is probably healthy but I find it tiring.

I regret enlisting and volunteering for Vietnam.  I regret not taking school seriously when I was younger.  I regret not standing up to my overbearing and strict parents.  I regret not following my dreams.  I regret many mistakes with lessons learned too late.  And I'll probably regret telling you all that...


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## JustBonee (Jun 30, 2013)

That Guy said:


> As expected, everyone seems to be in the "I have no regrets" camp which is probably healthy but I find it tiring.
> 
> I regret enlisting and volunteering for Vietnam.  I regret not taking school seriously when I was younger.  I regret not standing up to my overbearing and strict parents.  I regret not following my dreams.  I regret many mistakes with lessons learned too late.  And I'll probably regret telling you all that...



I never had any 'major forks in the road' to ponder...nothing like military enlistment, so obviously I could never feel what you are feeling.  
I wish I had had overbearing and strict parents! .... I was raised by my grandparents, as my mother chose to not be involved in my life.  My father didn't even know of my existence.  He was with the US Army, and my mother met him on base.  She got "even" with him by keeping me a secret.  So I should regret that, but I moved on.  
Actually, when my mother died, I was taken aback by a shocking email online that connected the dots to where my father was buried. ..LONG story.   I visited his grave in California... my only connection to him ever.  It was closure for all of this.  All I can say is that  I really believe in Angels, because something unexplainable happened then.
But as far as regretting things, it makes you bitter,  and a defeated attitude _is_ unhealthy.


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## SifuPhil (Jun 30, 2013)

That Guy said:


> As expected, everyone seems to be in the "I have no regrets" camp which is probably healthy but I find it tiring.
> 
> I regret enlisting and volunteering for Vietnam.  I regret not taking school seriously when I was younger.  I regret not standing up to my overbearing and strict parents.  I regret not following my dreams.  I regret many mistakes with lessons learned too late.  And I'll probably regret telling you all that...



Perhaps it would be better to say that we don't _dwell_ on them. We don't give them the power of intent nor any attention beyond what is necessary.

As Ms. Rider said, they are lessons learned. What we choose to do with them will determine our physical and mental fitness in the coming years. We can learn the lesson and move on, throwing away the textbook that we learned it from; or, we can choose to carry that damnably heavy book around with us, cursing its weight and its inconvenience, but believing we have to carry it because that's where the lessons are.

But they aren't. We've already learned the lessons - we have no need of the book any longer.

As with all things in life it's perspective, how we choose to look at the events of our lives. If I so chose I could regret *many* things, but I know that that regret won't get me anything but an ulcer and a sour disposition. It won't change the future. But I also don't want to forget those lessons, because I'll be more likely to repeat them.

So I keep the lesson in mind but forget the mechanics of learning it. 

I think it also has to do with (surprise, surprise!) faith. If we lose faith then we lose the ability to envision a different outcome in the future. We're like _Groundhog Day, _repeating the same things over and over and expecting different outcomes - the common definition of insanity.

And it doesn't really matter WHAT we have faith in, as long as we have faith in _ourselves_. The other stuff - religion, social conditioning - is just externals; it's how we shape our minds that is really important.


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## SeaBreeze (Jun 30, 2013)

SifuPhil said:


> Perhaps it would be better to say that we don't _dwell_ on them. We don't give them the power of intent nor any attention beyond what is necessary.
> 
> As Ms. Rider said, they are lessons learned. What we choose to do with them will determine our physical and mental fitness in the coming years. We can learn the lesson and move on, throwing away the textbook that we learned it from; or, we can choose to carry that damnably heavy book around with us, cursing its weight and its inconvenience, but believing we have to carry it because that's where the lessons are.
> 
> ...



Well said Sifu (and TWHRider), and excellent valuable thoughts and reflections for us all, thank you.


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## That Guy (Jun 30, 2013)

I think, sometimes, I regret wanting to learn the blues . . .


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## Happyflowerlady (Jun 30, 2013)

If I were a time traveller, there are things on my life that I would do differently, the second time around, probably. 
However, when I really look, out of all those poor decisions, SOME good has come, of some kind. So maybe, going through the hard part of the struggles has brought me benefits in my life, or people that I love, that  I would not have had if not for the choice that I made.
There is that little saying, " out of every adversity, comes the seed of an equal or greater benefit ".


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## Pappy (Jul 1, 2013)

Kinda wish I had advanced my drumming and got with a big band or military band. Was so darn busy making a living that it always got put on back burner.


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## SifuPhil (Jul 1, 2013)

That Guy said:


> I think, sometimes, I regret wanting to learn the blues . . .



Dewey Cox knows the blues ...


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## rkunsaw (Jul 1, 2013)

I have too many regrets to count. Things I did and things I didn't do.


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## Pricklypear (Jul 5, 2013)

Yes, I do have some regrets.  As a friend put it, the only people who have no regrets are those who haven't taken any risks. 

You can't go back and change the past.  There's no benefit to wallowing in it.


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## Ozarkgal (Jul 5, 2013)

If I have a regret it is that I have the ability to cut people out of my life and not look back.  I have lost several long term relationships because of this.


One such instance that I do look back on with regret is that I did this to a very good friend of 35 years, whose wife was my best friend for all those years.  If there is such a thing as a soul friend, she was it.  When she died I spent many hours on the phone with her husband consoling him for several months.

I felt that my frequent consolations were not allowing me to let go of her.  Also, I could not come to terms with the fact that they had not told me she was sick and I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to her. 

The last time I saw him was a month after she died. He met us at the airport in Portland where we had a layover, and he gave me one of her diamond rings.  He said she would have wanted me to have it. She and I had a thing for rings and we bought several on our shopping excursions.  I cannot even look at this ring now, feeling that I abandoned him at a very low point in his life, but still feeling stung that I wasn't told of her illness.  There is another detail on his end that I cannot share (no we didn't have an affair) that helped cause me to distance myself.

He called several times and when I wouldn't return his calls he finally stopped.  My husband kept telling me I should call him back, and I finally had to try to explain to him why I couldn't...In my mind I'm not sure what I was feeling were very good reasons to cut a good friend off, that's where the regret comes in. This one haunts me like it's payback for others that I have not regretted cutting off. 

I know this is kind of deep for a forum discussion, but it helps to put it out there.  Not looking for advice on how to fix this. Don't really want to at this point.  I think that time has passed, it's been 8 years...just voicing a regret.



There was a long hard time when I kept far from me the remembrance of what I had thrown away when I was quite ignorant of its worth.” 
― Charles Dickens, _Great Expectations_


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## SifuPhil (Jul 5, 2013)

Ozarkgal said:


> ... I know this is kind of deep for a forum discussion, but it helps to put it out there.  Not looking for advice on how to fix this. Don't really want to at this point.  I think that time has passed, it's been 8 years...just voicing a regret.



Not sure that there's anything TO fix. The only danger I could foresee would be if the memory came back unbidden and started to effect your present-day life. 

We can't wipe out memories of the past, but we CAN choose how we deal with them in the present.






> There was a long hard time when I kept far from me the remembrance of what I had thrown away when I was quite ignorant of its worth.”





> ― Charles Dickens, _Great Expectations_



Excellent quote.


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## SeaBreeze (Jul 5, 2013)

Ozarkgal said:


> I felt that my frequent consolations were not allowing me to let go of her.  Also, I could not come to terms with the fact that they had not told me she was sick and I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to her.
> 
> The last time I saw him was a month after she died. He met us at the airport in Portland where we had a layover, and he gave me one of her diamond rings.  He said she would have wanted me to have it. She and I had a thing for rings and we bought several on our shopping excursions.  I cannot even look at this ring now, feeling that I abandoned him at a very low point in his life, but still feeling stung that I wasn't told of her illness.
> 
> He called several times and when I wouldn't return his calls he finally stopped.  My husband kept telling me I should call him back, and I finally had to try to explain to him why I couldn't...In my mind I'm not sure what I was feeling were very good reasons to cut a good friend off, that's where the regret comes in. This one haunts me like it's payback for others that I have not regretted cutting off.



I know you're not looking for advice at this point, but I have to say that sometimes people don't let others know of a loved ones illness, as they themselves are overcome with the situation, and their main focus is caring for the one who is sick and suffering.  So, in my opinion (for what it's worth), I would not feel offended.  Sometimes emotions of the ones closest, and dealing with the illness, are clouded, as their first and foremost effort is immediate care for their loved one.

I think it's awesome that he was able to give you one of her rings, as that is what she would have really wanted...I'd feel honored.  It's not too late to give her husband a call, but I don't know all the details, and of course, that is personal and totally up to you.

My main regret was not being close enough to my mother before she passed on.  I gave her a lot of worries when I was a teen, and didn't realize all I put her through until I became an adult.  The good thing is, I was able to apologize to her before she went into a diabetic coma, which took her away.


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## Ozarkgal (Jul 5, 2013)

*Phil.*.thanks for the Dickens link..I have read most of his books.  He really knew how to develop characters and make them twine around each other. I can tell a Dickens book just by the odd names of the characters without even knowing who wrote it. 

I found this quote on the page that I can apply to my situation, and need to pay more heed to in the future: 

*“Never close your lips to those whom you have already opened your heart.” *
― Charles Dicken

Your advice is well heeded...I don't fear the situation will affect my present day life...it's water over the bridge at this point.  Thanks for your thoughts.

s

*SeaBreeze*..thanks for responding with one of your usual well thought out comments.  You have a true gift of the voice of reason..  I also have regrets about my mother...she fought some real mental issues and I think this is where the ability to distance myself from people began..


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## SifuPhil (Jul 5, 2013)

Ozarkgal said:


> *Phil.*.thanks for the Dickens link..



I think I just re-posted the ling you put in, but you're welcome just the same. I'll take credit wherever I can get it. layful:



> I have read most of his books.  He really knew how to develop characters and make them twine around each other. I can tell a Dickens book just by the odd names of the characters without even knowing who wrote it.



Unfortunately I was never much of a Dickens fan - I went straight from Dr. Seuss to Hunter S. Thompson. 



> I found this quote on the page that I can apply to my situation, and need to pay more heed to in the future:
> 
> *“Never close your lips to those whom you have already opened your heart.” *



Again, I'm guilty of that as well ... oh, Hell, okay - I've broken most of the Commandments and the ones I REALLY liked I went back for seconds!



*



			SeaBreeze
		
Click to expand...

*


> ..thanks for responding with one of your usual well thought out comments.  You have a true gift of the voice of reason..  I also have regrets about my mother...she fought some real mental issues and I think this is where the ability to distance myself from people began..



I find it to be quite a natural process distancing myself from people at this point - all it takes is to see or hear them.


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## Ozarkgal (Jul 5, 2013)

*Phil*: 





> oh, Hell, okay - I've broken most of the Commandments and the ones I REALLY liked I went back for seconds!



I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
Mae West


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## That Guy (Jul 6, 2013)

Ozarkgal said:


> I know this is kind of deep for a forum discussion



I'm sorry you lost your good and close friend but please know that I feel nothing is too deep for this forum.  We've got a good bunch of folks here to share stuff with...


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## Ozarkgal (Jul 6, 2013)

That Guy said:


> I'm sorry you lost your good and close friend but please know that I feel nothing is too deep for this forum.  We've got a good bunch of folks here to share stuff with...



Thanks *That Guy*...I know some people only want to look on the lighter side of life...but to me life is the whole boat, not just the oars.


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## That Guy (Jul 6, 2013)

Ozarkgal said:


> Thanks *That Guy*...I know some people only want to look on the lighter side of life...but to me life is the whole boat, not just the oars.



Exactly.  There's no light without the dark; good without the bad; up without the down; ying yang.  It's that whole balance thing.  Of course, I believe it's a great idea to follow Monty Python's advice and always look on the bright side of life . . .


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## That Guy (Jul 6, 2013)

Ozarkgal said:


> If I have a regret it is that I have the ability to cut people out of my life and not look back.



May the bridges I burn light the way...


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## Bee (Jul 7, 2013)

This sums it up for me.


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## JustBonee (Jul 8, 2013)

This, for me.


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## Bee (Jul 8, 2013)

Yep, that's a good one as well Boo's Mom.


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## Amethyst1 (Jul 10, 2013)

Psychologists say that we regret the things we have not done more than the things we did.

"Of all the sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: it might have been."


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## veejay (Jul 10, 2013)

Sometimes, it helps to take a step back and look at the grand scheme of things.
Perhaps then you’ll realize just how silly it would be to spend another minute worrying 
and stressing about things you won’t even care about or remember a year from now.

Unknown


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## GeorgiaXplant (Jul 10, 2013)

I regret that I was too young to know better and believed stuff that people said to me like "You'll never be good enough...smart enough...you CAN'T do..."That kind of stuff. By the time I figured out that I was good enough, smart enough, COULD do" the time had passed to pursue whatever it was they referred to. 

Zu früh alt und zu spat Smart!


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## GDAD (Jul 10, 2013)

On reaching old age & they haven't in my 70 odd years, found a cure for athritis


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## Moggy (Jul 11, 2013)

I was married at 17 and my parents warned me about regrets I would have later in life.
Nearly 52 years later I am still married to the same man and we have successfully reared 3 sons who have families of their own.
I look back on life which included financial struggles at times, but if I had my life to live over, would do the same. 
No regrets!!!!!


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## Warrigal (Jul 11, 2013)

I had a couple of sizable regrets from my younger days but I have forgiven myself and have since laid them aside. 
The soul (spirit, whatever you like to call your deepest inner self) is made much lighter when forgiveness is exercised.
Forgiveness  is like the 'quality of mercy' in Portia's speech in The Merchant of Venice.


> It is twice blest:
> It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
> Act 4, scene 1


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## SifuPhil (Jul 12, 2013)

Warrigal said:


> ... Forgiveness  is like the 'quality of mercy' in Portia's speech in The Merchant of Venice.



I agree a bit more with 

"_A pound of flesh, no more, no less_"
~ Shylock


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## Warrigal (Jul 12, 2013)

Easier to say than to apply.
Less rewarding too, as I remember.


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## SifuPhil (Jul 12, 2013)

Warrigal said:


> Easier to say than to apply.



Of course - that's why there are so many sheeple in the world.



> Less rewarding too, as I remember.



It depends - I've taken some strong satisfaction from it. I would find it difficult to forgive someone who murdered my family in cold blood, but it would be far more satisfying - and quite easy to apply - to extract my pound of flesh.


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## Jackie22 (Jul 14, 2013)

I certainly do have regrets, but its water under the bridge, whats done is done, I try to learn from past mistakes and go forward knowing what can happen if these mistakes are repeated.


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## Happyflowerlady (Jul 18, 2013)

Mistakes are all a part of our lives, just as successes are. Sometimes, making the mistake is how we learn to achieve success, so it is not something to regret, providing we use the mistake as a learning experience. 
Unfortunately, sometimes our learning experiences are painful, not only for us, but  for our loved ones, and cannot be corrected; and I think those are the ones that I regret the most. 
Hopefully, I can think things through better now than in my younger years, and know enough not to make the same mistakes  over again. If we look for ways to turn the mistake around, often it works out better than if we had made a different decision, you just ave to keep trying.


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## Diwundrin (Jul 18, 2013)

I may be kidding myself but I see regrets as decisions made for what  seemed perfectly good reasons at the time.  Times, knowledge, and circumstances may  change to show us they weren't too smart after all,  but the original reasons were still valid to us back then, mistaken or not.   That's life. 
 Only knowingly making a wrong decision is regretful.  They would be the only ones that would keep me awake.  I've always used that 'can I sleep with this?' as a yardstick.

Like Ozarkgal, there have been people I've shed along the away that I shouldn't have, but that's more guilt than regret.

 Many things I wanted to do were put off because it would have meant making life harder for someone who needed me around.  That was valid enough at the time, and I don't count it as a regret, just a reason.  Perhaps I'd have regretted putting my wishes first on looking back on the fulfillment of them now?  At least it's just a wistful regret, not a guilty one.

I've had more lucky breaks than regretful ones through life so I'm good with it.

Have to sneak this line in from my all time favourite song.  "..and regret is just a memory, written on my brow, and there's nuthin' I can do about it now."


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## taffboy (Jun 8, 2014)

That I could have told my parents that I loved them more.than I did.


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## Harley (Jun 8, 2014)

FishWisher said:


> My only regret has been my (now slightly diminished) good looks. Sure, when I was young it was nice to have the gals flock around, but the broken hearts in my wake still give me pain. Yep. That's about the sum total of my regret. I'm sure my look-alike, Tom Seleck, feels about the same.
> 
> Surely y'all can see the uncanny resemblance (and I don't mean me and the fish):




Don't be teasing me with pics of Tom Selleck.. lol..I love Tom!! You look fine to me, and looks like your enjoying life as well..


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## Harley (Jun 8, 2014)

taffboy said:


> That I could have told my parents that I loved them more.than I did.




Same here..Mine died when I was still young, and stupid...


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## BDBoop (Jun 8, 2014)

Regrets? I've had a few. But then again - too few to mention.


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## Bettyann (Jun 8, 2014)

No, I have no real regrets... I choose to believe that whatever we did...or we do...leads us eventually to our highest good. Those aren't just 'nice sounding words' ... its what I truly believe. That doesn't mean that there wasn't pain and even  agony at times, but that is the Contrast we experience in our lifetimes. 
We get more of what we focus on and give our attention to... so I think its important that we focus on making the best of each of our NOWS...the other is past. And besides, so much of it was Good!


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## Justme (Jun 9, 2014)

I don't see any point in having regrets, especially if there is nothing you can do about them.


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