# You married a very selfish man, (said to my mother to help her)



## grahamg (Nov 13, 2020)

My mother struggled with depression within the first six months of her marriage to my father.

As a way of helping her over negative feelings about herself, the doctors decided to tell her her husband, (my father) was a very selfish man.....my father having first agreed when the doctors told him they wished to do this.

My mother apparently was quite incrededulous, but accepted what the doctors told her completely, (as people maybe did back then, just after WWII).  She slowly improved and was able to return to the marital home, after having had to go to live with her parents, when she had her breakdown.

 She stopped worrying so much about keeping herself slim, and this helped too my father said, and my mother certainly learnt to transfer her negative feelings, and anger onto my dad, who was a strong enough man to accept it, or even be thankful for it to see her well again. He never told my mother of the deception he'd been a part of as advised by those doctors.


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## Phoenix (Nov 17, 2020)

Interesting way to handle things.  Did your mom ever find a way to be happy and content?


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## grahamg (Nov 17, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> Interesting way to handle things.  Did your mom ever find a way to be happy and content?


Yes, my mum and dad formed a great team, even though they would argue cat and dog, and my mother settled so well at the farm they moved to on their wedding day, she never wanted to move again, when my father toyed with the idea of moving to a larger, better farm.


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## Phoenix (Nov 18, 2020)

grahamg said:


> Yes, my mum and dad formed a great team, even though they would argue cat and dog, and my mother settled so well at the farm they moved to on their wedding day, she never wanted to move again, when my father toyed with the idea of moving to a larger, better farm.


I would not live with someone I fought with all the time.  I would be miserable.  Glad it worked for them.


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## grahamg (Nov 18, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> I would not live with someone I fought with all the time.  I would be miserable.  Glad it worked for them.


Here is the strange thing though, when one of my sisters tried to tell my father after my mother passed away, how much he'd argued with mum he said, "Did I?", and had seemingly been oblivious to it all, or they'd thrived on it, (somehow they found their own balance, and mum couldn't sleep without him there!).


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## Phoenix (Nov 18, 2020)

grahamg said:


> Here is the strange thing though, when one of my sisters tried to tell my father after my mother passed away, how much he'd argued with mum he said, "Did I?", and had seemingly been oblivious to it all, or they'd thrived on it, (somehow they found their own balance, and mum couldn't sleep without him there!).


My grandparents fought like that.  They were married 50 years when she died.  My sister and brother-in-law fought.   She was very aware they were fighting.  After she died he denied they had fought.  He didn't have to put up with himself.  Neither my sister or my grandmother had any other economic option.  They were ill, so they made do.


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## Remy (Nov 20, 2020)

This was years ago and an odd way to help someone. But mental health treatment is always developing. My mother was a certain personality disorder but never diagnosed. She just fits the diagnosis. I wonder if your mother could have had an issue also. And spouses can be very big enablers.


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## Phoenix (Nov 20, 2020)

Remy said:


> This was years ago and an odd way to help someone. But mental health treatment is always developing. My mother was a certain personality disorder but never diagnosed. She just fits the diagnosis. I wonder if your mother could have had an issue also. And spouses can be very big enablers.


I think people who are now called enablers are just trying to figure out how to get by in the relationships.  In one of my marriages I didn't speak out.  It made things easier.  He said, if you would just get mad a me.  I was mad, but I knew that arguing would do no good.  Couples counseling made it worse.  In another marriage, I quietly stood up to him, and he'd pull himself up to his full height and act cold and selfish.  In other relationships over time I decided I'd had enough and told them to back off.  That didn't work either. My third marriage is a good one.  We respect each other.  That makes a huge difference.


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## Brookswood (Dec 2, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> I would not live with someone I fought with all the time.  I would be miserable.  Glad it worked for them.


There are people in this world for whom conflict is a normal way of life. 

Personally, I avoid them.


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## Jules (Dec 2, 2020)

Brookswood said:


> There are people in this world for whom conflict is a normal way of life.


True.


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## Chet (Dec 2, 2020)

There are differences of opinion at one extreme and severe arguments leading to physical harm at the other. Hopefully it never leads to the latter. If it's just the former, you could look at it as if it were spirited debate which could be percieved as stimulating. I'm trying to find a positive here. At least those who argue are not not lonely.


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## grahamg (Dec 2, 2020)

Chet said:


> There are differences of opinion at one extreme and severe arguments leading to physical harm at the other. Hopefully it never leads to the latter. If it's just the former, you could look at it as if it were spirited debate which could be perceived as stimulating. I'm trying to find a positive here. At least those who argue are not not lonely.


I dont think I would want someone I agreed with all the time I must admit.    .


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## Phoenix (Dec 2, 2020)

Brookswood said:


> There are people in this world for whom conflict is a normal way of life.
> 
> Personally, I avoid them.


I divorced two of them.


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