# Assorted funnies



## Michael.

ASSORTED FUNNIES






I dialed a number and got the following recording:
 
 "I am not available right now, but

 Thank you for caring enough to call. 

 I am making some changes in my life. 

 Please leave a message after the 

 Beep. If I do not return your call, 

 You are one of the changes."

 ~~~~~~~~~ 

 ( I LOVE THIS ONE! )

 My wife and I had words, 

 But I didn't get to use mine.

 ~~~~~

 Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

 ~~~~~

 The irony of life is that, by the time 

 You're old enough to know your way around,

 You're not going anywhere.

 ~~~~~

 God made man before woman so as to give him time 

 To think of an answer for her first question.

 ~~~~~

 I was always taught to respect my elders, 

 But it keeps getting harder to find one.

 ~~~~~

 Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. 

 He shoots his friend and kills him.

 Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"

 *******************************************

 What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

 Stress is when wife is pregnant,

 Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,

 And Panic is when both are pregnant.

 ****************************************

 Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?

 Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, 

 Dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

 *********************************************************

 A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,

 "Are all these kids yours?"

 The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these

 Are customer complaints".

 *********************************************************

 A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
 confidential?"

 Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.

 Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

 *********************************************************

 Nominated as the best short joke this year...

 A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles

 While taking a bath.

 "Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

 "Not yet," she replied.

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## Michael.

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## Anne

Not funny, but just strange.....   Focus your eyes on the white cross in the center of pictures of celebrities.  Quite an illusion!!

http://www.moillusions.com/2012/05/...razy-video-of-pretty-celebrities-turning-ugly


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## Michael.

That was amazing.


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## Michael.

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## Michael.

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a new untouched tomb and in it is a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. 

The initial view is they have found Pharaoh Rocha

.
.

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "Look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! 

This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... 

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. 

The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

*"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"*

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## jeffery 53




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## Michael.

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## jeffery 53




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## Michael.

.

*An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.*


I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the 
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.






An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar:

'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.


Can I come with him tomorrow?'
.




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## Michael.

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## JustBonee




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## Michael.

.
Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.


Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist;  they put up a sign reading:  "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". 

The town council was livid and insisted they change it. 


So, the docs changed it to read:  "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids"  This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. 


"Catatonics and High Colonics"...... No go. 


Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again. 


Then came "Minds and Behinds".... Still no good. 


Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable again ! 


So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts"..... not a chance. 


"Nuts and Butts"..... No way. 


"Freaks and Cheeks"..... Still no good. 


"Loons and Moons"..... forget it. 


Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: 

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends" 

*Everyone loved it.*


.


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## vinylted

A few new one's there, thanks.


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## Pappy

Question answered....


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## That Guy

Pappy said:


> Question answered....



I  thought the question was, "Is the bear Catholic?"


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## That Guy

Slick Willy Clinton, Lindsay Lohan and a monkey walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, a  joke?"


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## Michael.

.
Doing the rounds again.






.​


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## Jillaroo

_Looks like Jesus:flamewar:_


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## Michael.

.
Golden Oldie





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## veejay

This is quite clever!! But unfortunately TRUE!!
WELCOME TO THE 21st CENTURY!!! where everything is less.
*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tyres ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless




*Politicians - Gutless
Everything is becoming LESS
but still our hopes are ~ Endless.


All this, quite frankly, leaves me ~ Speechless!!


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## SeaBreeze

Michael. said:


> .
> Doing the rounds again.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .​



Definitely Jesus.


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## SeaBreeze

veejay said:


> This is quite clever!! But unfortunately TRUE!!
> WELCOME TO THE 21st CENTURY!!! where everything is less.
> *Our Phones ~ Wireless
> *Cooking ~ Fireless
> *Cars ~ Keyless
> *Food ~ Fatless
> *Tyres ~ Tubeless
> *Dress ~ Sleeveless
> *Youth ~ Jobless
> *Leaders ~ Shameless
> *Relationships ~ Meaningless
> *Attitude~ Careless
> *Wives ~ Fearless
> *Babies ~ Fatherless
> *Feelings ~ Heartless
> *Education ~ Valueless
> *Children ~ Mannerless
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *Politicians - Gutless
> Everything is becoming LESS
> but still our hopes are ~ Endless.
> 
> 
> All this, quite frankly, leaves me ~ Speechless!!



Excellent summary Veejay, and yes, oh so true.


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## Michael.

Apologies to Jillaroo & Seabreeze 

 "​*The optical illusion was jesus*"​


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## Michael.

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.


The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.


The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.


When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."


The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"


The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..


Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"


The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.


Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"


The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"


"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.


"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"


The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...


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## Michael.

.
This is very funny


http://tinyurl.com/mreopq6



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## Michael.

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## Michael.

This man in a coffin was getting transferred to his funeral site.

Since his coffin could not fit inside the cab, 

the only choice was to carry his lifeless body and sit him inside the cab with other customers. 



http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=_AzolHV94LU

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## Anne

Ok, now this is pretty funny!!!!!  

http://www.caintv.com/mccain-goes-maverick-proclaims


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## rkunsaw

Michael. said:


> .
> Doing the rounds again.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .​



Willie Nelson?


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## rkunsaw

Anne said:


> Ok, now this is pretty funny!!!!!
> 
> http://www.caintv.com/mccain-goes-maverick-proclaims



Good one Anne.:lofl:


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## Michael.

*

Give reasons for being absent from work......

* 
Reason given by a lady for being absent from work on Monday......

"My husband took an overdose of ****** and I couldn't leave him with the maid"
.


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## Jillaroo

_Nope i wouldn't either_


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## Michael.

*There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain Who inspected his sailors,
 and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad...
*

The Captain suggested perhaps it would
Help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, 
I'll see to it immediately!"


The first mate went straight to the sailors 
Berth deck and announced, "The Captain 
Thinks you guys smell bad and wants you 
To change your underwear."


He continued, 
"Pittman, you change with Jones, 
McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, 
And Brown, you change with Schultz."


THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise 
"Change",

*But don't count on things smelling any better.

.*


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## Anne

Sounds like something happening in the USA........


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## Michael.

Anyone who has ever worked for a big company (or the government) will understand this one...

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get peed off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8
million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the
project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. "That's some money well spent!" - he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers - "one of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang"

And that's why my friend, lazy people are smarter than energetic people.


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## Anne

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. 
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was
anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am
 very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little
forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was
 walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pyjamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she
said, 'You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that. Please put your
Private Part back inside your pyjamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr..
Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell
me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'


'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'


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## Michael.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, 

"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. 

I was down to my last nickel."I invested that nickel in an apple. 

I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. 

I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked."

Heavens, no!" the man replied. 

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

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## Michael.

*(Golden Oldie)

Don't Step on the Ducks!*

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. 

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks." 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. 

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. 

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. 

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" 

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, 
and with him is another extremely ugly man. 

He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. 

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps. 

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... 
very tall, tan, muscular, and with a good head of hair. 

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. 

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" 

And the guy says, 
"Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

.


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## jeffery 53




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## Anne

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
 'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!


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## Michael.

*.

The Husband takes the Wife to a disco.*

*There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
*
*25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

*
*"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
.*


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## SeaBreeze

Funny jokes guys! :rofl:


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## jeffery 53




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## Michael.

.

We sometimes have hedgehogs in our garden (night time) but they are usually adult size. 

I have never seen a small one out and about.

Here is a larger picture of your little one.
.


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## Michael.

.

Jim Carrey Funnies

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=sNN64Vx2HA0
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## Michael.

.

Wife to Husband on his birthday:

You can have Sex for 1 hour the way you want it.

Excited Husband jumps, hugs her, kisses her & runs out saying...

I promise I'll be back in 1 hour !!!

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## Jillaroo

_*Loved the joke and that little baby hedgehog is soooo cute*_


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## Michael.

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## Michael.

Puddles

A guy walks into a bar, takes off his hat and places it onto the counter. A duck jumps out.

The bartender asks, "can I help you, sir?" 

The guy orders a beer.

The bartender asks the guy if his duck friend wants any thing, and the duck says, "no thanks." 

"Oh! You're a talking duck." the bartender says, "what's your name?" 

"Houie," the duck says. 

The bartender asks the duck how his day went. 

The duck says, "It went great. I've been jumping on puddles all day." 

"That's nice," says the bartender.


Out jumps another duck. 

The bartender asks, "are you a talking duck, too?" 

"Yessir," says the duck.

"Well, what's your name?" he asks. 

"Douie," says the duck. 

"Well, how was your day?" asks the bartender.

"Great. I've been jumping on puddles all day," Douie says. 

The bartender says, "oh, that's nice."


Out jumps a third duck. 

The bartender says, "Well, I suppose you talk, too." 

"Yes, I do," replies the third duck. 

"Is your name Louie? Houie, Douie, and Louie?" asks the bartender. 

"No," says the duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask how my day is going.



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## Jillaroo

_Funny one:lofl::lofl:_


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## Michael.

.
Golden Oldie.




An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. 

Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. 

"I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister.

She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. 

"You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. 

Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says -

"Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

.
Doing the rounds again




Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail. 


You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 


Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.


You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.


Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.


You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price you paid.


Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.


Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.


You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.


You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.


Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.


Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.


You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.


You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.


You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.


You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.


You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.


You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )


You're reading this and nodding and laughing.


Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to.


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## Michael.

.

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies,

'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. 
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. 

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. 
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. 
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. 
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

.

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## Michael.

Devoted Husband 


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. 


Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. 


He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" 


He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" 


"Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." 


Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" 


His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, *'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"*


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## jeffery 53




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## JustBonee




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## Michael.

The Wit of Phyllis Diller


Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.  As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .
Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller 


Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

.


----------



## Pappy

I handed the bank teller my withdrawal slip for $500.00. I asked her for large bills please.

She replied, All our bills are the same size sir.

i now have a different bank.


----------



## Michael.

The Welfare State 

"The GOVERNMENT is my shepherd: I need not work!

It alloweth me to lie down on a good job;

It leadeth me beside still factories;

It destroyeth my initiative.

It leadeth me in the path of a parasite for politic’s sake;

Yea, though I walk through the valley of laziness and deficit-spending, I will fear no evil, for the government is with me.

It prepareth an economic Utopia for me, by appropriating the earnings of my own grandchildren.

It filleth my head with false security;

My inefficiency runneth over.

Surely the government should care for me all the days of my life,

And I shall dwell in a fool’s paradise forever"

.


----------



## Michael.

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked,* -

"When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"*

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. 

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: 'I love you, sweetheart.'

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:


1. Eh, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don't understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!

5. ?!?

6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming? ???????

8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!

9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

and the best one...

*10. Who is this?*


.


----------



## Pappy

Know how to stop an army of morons on horseback?  Unplug the Merry-go-round......


----------



## Michael.

.

Newlyweds


A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. 

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, ''How was the honeymoon?'' 

''Oh, mama,'' she replied, ''the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...'' 

Suddenly she burst out crying. ''But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...
things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!'' 

''Sarah,'' her mother said, ''calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'' 

''Please don't make me tell you, mama,'' wept the daughter, ''I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!'' 

''Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!'' 

Still sobbing, the bride said, ''Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!''


.


----------



## Anne

Why kids aren't on Facebook anymore:  :lofl:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/...anymore_n_3825165.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

Doing the rounds again.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

Doing the rounds again.


.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. 

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?", he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said his wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ... "I would have gotten out today."

.


----------



## Michael.

.

Doing the rounds again.


A doctor was addressing a large audience...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. 

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,* "Wedding Cake"*

.


----------



## Michael.

Doing the rounds again.



A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. 

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “ Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course and a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence,
right into my flower garden. 

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. 

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. 

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

*"Not everybody pays."*

.


----------



## Michael.

.

 

.​


----------



## jeffery 53

*A pilot, at low level, has no control over his aircraft.  It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.*

*One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings!*

 

**
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
**

*. 
.
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	


*


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.

Jeffery

Was this the joke ?



.​


----------



## drifter

I must have led a sheltered life. These were all new to me and funny.


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.





.​


----------



## JustBonee




----------



## Michael.

.





.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.

Latest arrival


.​


----------



## Michael.

Latest arrival.

A professor was travelling by boat to Lamu on their way he asked the sailor, 

"Do you know Biology, Ecology,Zoology, Embryology, Epidemology?"

"NO." answered the sailor. 

Prof got angry and said "What the hell do you know? You will die of illiteracy." 

One hour later the boat started sinking, the sailor looked at the Profesor and asked, 
"Do you know swiminology, escapeology and sharkology?"

"NO" said the professor.

"Well dat means Crocodileology will eat ur Headology and you will Dielogy with ur knowledgeology because of ur mouthology!"

.


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Pappy

Love those peeps.


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Jillaroo

mg::lofl:


----------



## Pappy

Oh oh.....


----------



## jeffery 53




----------



## Michael.

.

This crazy guy walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter, 

“Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove.

Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove.

And while you’re at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove.

”The waiter took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man,

“The chef said you can kiss his ass, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove......"


.


----------



## Pappy

OMG... I slid my wiener into a snow bank........


----------



## Michael.

.
Omg


.​


----------



## jeffery 53




----------



## Anne

LOL, this could be me....

http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_computer_humor/digital_conversion/have_you_converted.shtml


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


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## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Pappy

Yes......


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Pappy

No, it doesn't work.


----------



## hollydolly

*How they burn calories in France*





[url]http://youtu.be/GBjCfISUO6Q









[/URL]


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Pappy

The urge to kill......


----------



## Michael.

I guess you could call that an outside shower


----------



## Pappy

It's an Audi, Michael, so I guess that makes it ok.


----------



## Michael.

Pappy said:


> It's an Audi, Michael, so I guess that makes it ok.



As a matter of interest our latest car is a Q5.

______________________________________________________


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Ina

Michael, My husband's really liked the one about advice. :cart:


----------



## Michael.

Ina said:


> Michael, My husband's really liked the one about advice. :cart:





.


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.

Yes,the path to this stage is painful.



.​


----------



## Ina

Michael please tell me that glue is involved.


----------



## Pappy

Yep, that's the way I like them.


----------



## Michael.

Ina said:


> Michael please tell me that glue is involved.




They are real and I have seen many more examples in my travels.


----------



## Michael.

Pappy said:


> Yep, that's the way I like them.



They look like....



.


----------



## Pappy

Tip toe through the Tulips......


----------



## Michael.

.

Out shopping?



.​


----------



## Pappy

For the ladies....


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.

Just a reminder to confirm your 2.PM appointment for a makeover.



.​


----------



## Pappy

Monsters go away.....


----------



## Michael.

.

A Man called Brian


A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. 

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time, like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. 

He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. 

He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams. 

Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. 

He would never answer her back even if she was In the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. 

He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: *"Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to His widow!"*


.


----------



## Pappy

This person has the answer.....


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.

Doing the rounds again.

(George Orwell update?)



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Justme

My daughter was discussing something with her husband last night, and used this old saying as an illustration, "Give a man to fish and you feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime!" Her son, twelve, was listening to the conversation and stated, "No Mum, it should be, 'give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the weekend!"


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.

(Revamped version doing the rounds again)

Short film about a day at the mall. 
.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/8bUgbVTn534


.


----------



## Denise1952

hilarious, so why are we so attracted to each other?  I guess it's because we are crazy and stupid.


----------



## Denise1952

Justme said:


> My daughter was discussing something with her husband last night, and used this old saying as an illustration, "Give a man to fish and you feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime!" Her son, twelve, was listening to the conversation and stated, "No Mum, it should be, 'give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the weekend!"



:lofl:love JM denise


----------



## Denise1952

Michael. said:


> .
> 
> View attachment 5881
> 
> .​



Isn't it the truth


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Denise1952

:lofl::thumbsup1:


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Pappy

Such is life.


----------



## Michael.

.


Russian Dash Cam with a twist?
.


https://www.youtube.com/embed/-K-zDK4wrI4


.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## kcvet

can't fix stupid


----------



## kcvet




----------



## kcvet




----------



## kcvet




----------



## Michael.

.

Karate Gangnam Style!


.
CLICK HERE
http://www.youtube.com/embed/jNAUf9ftsLY
.​


----------



## Michael.

.
Doing the rounds again

ANIMAL CRACKERS 

Funny Talking Animals
.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/-ssXJtzFOjA

.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Pappy

REOooooooo


----------



## kcvet




----------



## Michael.

.

Mobile Disco



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Pappy

Oh, oh.


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

*knockout punch. .*

.

Our latest arrival

Quality not so good.

"WATCH TOUGH BOXER FIGHT AND KNOCKOUT BIG BAD COCKY FIGHTER WITH ONE PUNCH". 
Great fight as show off fighter gets whats coming to him. 
Great knock out and huge knockout punch.
.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/ev6qEj5sfKU
.


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## kcvet




----------



## SeaBreeze

Very good Kcvet! :clap:


----------



## kcvet

SeaBreeze said:


> Very good Kcvet! :clap:



repeat please. this is a recording


----------



## kcvet




----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.

Giraffe antics




http://www.youtube.com/embed/nPrWo5pEvyk

.​


----------



## kcvet

really cool. especially in full screen


----------



## Ina

I know I'm gullible, but how did they do that? :hide:


----------



## kcvet

Ina said:


> I know I'm gullible, but how did they do that? :hide:



ole jedi mind trick :coolthumb:


----------



## Ina

KC, Are you a prankster too. We have a few here, and I always fall for the joke.


----------



## kcvet

Ina said:


> KC, Are you a prankster too. We have a few here, and I always fall for the joke.



indeed i am. gotta laff once in while. your watching computer animation. reall popular today especially with sci fi flicks


----------



## Ina

OK KC, I will just have pay attention to your pranks. I don't mind, I like them as long as their not mean. :yoda:


----------



## kcvet

Ina said:


> OK KC, I will just have pay attention to your pranks. I don't mind, I like them as long as their not mean. :yoda:



make note. don't be mean to Ina. GOT IT !!!


----------



## Ina

KC, I have a good sense of humor, and I like to laugh, even at myself.:getit:


----------



## Michael.

.

As mentioned it was done using computer graphics and and a great deal of knowledge on the subject.


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Misty

View attachment 6833

Dinner's ready!


----------



## Kaya

What a great vid!!


----------



## Pappy

Fore......


----------



## Misty

Ready for the weekend

View attachment 6858


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Ina

A lot of mommy's wish it were that easy., and instructions would have been helpful. :lol1:


----------



## Michael.

.

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE....




Advertisement In Shop: 
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap........
.......no strings attached.


Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room: 
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight....
One Lung At A Time!


On a bulletin board: 
Success Is Relative. 
The more The Success, 
The more The Relatives.


My Grandfather Is Eighty 
And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.


Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, 
Please do Pay In Advance.'


Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, 
Don't Stand In Her Way....


Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.


The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions.


Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone


The Surest Sign 
That Intelligent Life Exists 
Elsewhere In The Universe 
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.


Sign At A Barber's Shop :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..


Sign In A Restaurant: 
All Drinking Water In This Establishment 
Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

.


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



The shortest video you've ever seen so pay attention... A woman goes back to work after thirty years.

Watch carefully, the video is only 5 seconds long, but, you'll get it.

If you're younger than 40 years old, you probably won't understand it.

.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/qteu4ld_SCE?rel=0"

.


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Misty

check out those ab's

View attachment 7090


----------



## Misty

View attachment 7091


----------



## Misty




----------



## Michael.

Misty said:


>



Good selection.


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Meanderer

View attachment 7146


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Misty

Michael. said:


> Good selection.



Thanks, Michael...Wasn't sure this was the place to post it.


----------



## Michael.

.

Outlook for today.



.​


----------



## Meanderer

View attachment 7200


----------



## Michael.

.





.​


----------



## Meanderer

View attachment 7307


----------



## Misty

View attachment 7309


----------



## Michael.

Nice pictures but not nice text.

At our age do we need to be reading this type of language?


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Meanderer

View attachment 7316


----------



## Misty

View attachment 7329


----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Michael.

.

Are you lonely?



.​


----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Michael.

.

Excellent makeover.



.​


----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Michael.

That was a good one.


----------



## Michael.

.

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden,

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog

Walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. 

A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. 

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. 

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. 

He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. 

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. 

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. 

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel... 

She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. 

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' 

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

''Yes," was his incredulous reply..

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.




.


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Meanderer

View attachment 7704


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

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.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## Michael.

.

*Doing the Rounds Again*

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. 

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Norman. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. 

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Ethel to keep her full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health 
benefits that we needed. 

Shortly after i retired working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. 

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. 

I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. 

I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club. 

I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. 

I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. 

But, Boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. 

I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much. 

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. 

She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the grass. I try not to make a scene. 

I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. 

And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. 

I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. 

Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. 

However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. 

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.






*Norman died suddenly on June 1st  of a perforated rectum. 

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch New Big Bertha Driver jammed up his rear end, 
with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. 

His wife was arrested and charged with murder. 

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, 
accepting her defense that Norman, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

*

.


----------



## Michael.

.



.​


----------



## kcvet

*While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. 

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'*
*
 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' 

And with that, St. Peter  escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people. 

They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and  champagne. 

Also present is the devil, who    really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and    telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes  its time to go. 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the    elevator rises.... 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 

'Now it's time to visit heaven.' 

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns. 

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' 

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off in hell.' 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. 

Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and    garbage. 

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. ' I don't understand,'  stammers the    MP. 
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a    wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ' 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. .... 

Today you voted. *​


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## Ina

Very Funny!  :lofl:


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## Meanderer

View attachment 7992


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## Michael.

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## Misty

View attachment 8052


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## Meanderer

That wuz a good 'un!


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## Mollie

Goodness me!. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much with reading so many of these.


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## Misty

Meanderer said:


> That wuz a good 'un!



Happy you liked it, Meanderer.


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## kcvet

*Today's Pool of Employable Candidates

*






















*And they probably....

*


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## Michael.

.

I'm so happy you posted some images of my friends.

We are holding out annual general meeting next Tuesday and I have lost their addresses.

Please remind them that it will be held at the same place as last year.



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## Michael.

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Doing the rounds again



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## Pappy

Michael. said:


> .
> 
> I'm so happy you posted some images of my friends.
> 
> We are holding out annual general meeting next Tuesday and I have lost their addresses.
> 
> Please remind them that it will be held at the same place as last year.
> 
> View attachment 8082
> 
> .



Notice: Please leave all magnets at home.


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## Michael.

Pappy said:


> Notice: Please leave all magnets at home.



I often wondered how they manage if they have to go through airport type scanners (many piercings are hidden from view?)


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## kcvet

I wonder what they look like when they hit 50


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## Michael.

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## kcvet




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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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Golden Oldie



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## Michael.

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Spot the mistake?



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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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Remember Benny Hill

Sentenced to Firing Squad

https://www.youtube.com/embed/OYcUzoB2CJw

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## Pappy

I saw that episode Michael.. Very funny guy.


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## Michael.

Latest arrival

https://www.youtube.com/embed/TpdGxQ-1SSg

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## Michael.

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## Meanderer

View attachment 9834


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## Michael.

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Latest arrival.



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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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If We Lived In A World Where Women Catcalled Men
.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/F4ndbb4m9yI

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## Michael.

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## Meanderer

View attachment 10092


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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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Doing the rounds again



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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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What a great idea.


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## Meanderer

View attachment 10409


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## Michael.

Meanderer said:


> View attachment 10409



That was a good one . Just got news he quit his job.



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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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## Grumpy Ol' Man

First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."​


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## Meanderer

Michael. said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .​


The mouse named Einstein!


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## Meanderer

View attachment 10637


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## Meanderer

View attachment 10690


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## Meanderer

View attachment 10839


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## Meanderer

View attachment 10849


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## Meanderer

View attachment 10889


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## Lyn

:hatlaugh1:


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## Meanderer

View attachment 10903


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## Shirley

:lofl:


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