# Are the holidays too contrived-I'm tired of the perfunctory 'family' get together/dinner at this point.



## WhatInThe (Nov 29, 2019)

To me the holidays are already too contrived and artificial. Making matters worse is the self inflicted pressure and expectations many put on themselves when hosting or planning an event on or around the holidays. Too many do or attend these things out of obligation, not the desire to be with various people or a good time. As matter of fact I've viewed them as time killers for decades now. It's the sos. BUT no one ever wants to speak up or tell how they really feel and like clock work the 'family' holiday dinner was not without incident or a sense of wasted time. It's an ordeal. Ironically the party people seem to be the only ones who want to keep it going in some fashion. Others just can't fathom a different type of holiday experience or different people.

I don't know about everyone else but I am sick and tired of these perfunctory holiday events that people participate in out habit and obligation vs true beliefs & joy..


----------



## Keesha (Nov 29, 2019)

So stop doing them.


----------



## Aunt Bea (Nov 29, 2019)

The holidays are sort of like a buffet we can each pick and choose the things that appeal to us and pass on the things that don't.

Choose to do what feels right for you and your family.

Happy Holidays!


----------



## Warrigal (Nov 29, 2019)

The perfect way to celebrate a public holiday over here is with a BBQ in the backyard or a public park.
BYO food, booze and deck chair.


----------



## Lvstotrvl (Nov 29, 2019)

Warrigal said:


> The perfect way to celebrate a public holiday over here is with a BBQ in the backyard or a public park.
> BYO food, booze and deck chair.


That’s how my family celebrates Memorial Day & the 4th of July


----------



## OneEyedDiva (Dec 1, 2019)

I know what you mean Whatinthe.  My sister would put Martha Stewart to shame with her flair for decorating for each holiday, her table settings and the food! OMG...*so* good!  But sometimes I don't feel like going...like I skipped Thanksgiving although she pleaded with me to come. Besides my son, DIL and I had just gone over there for dinner the Sunday before Thanksgiving.  I just wanted to stay home and relax so that's exactly what I did. And sometimes there's too much hoopla....someone will say something that upsets her and she'll start fussing. 

Three Christmases ago, I went to her dinner and wound up feeling uncomfortable and out of place. Maybe because my husband wasn't there.  Other family members were exchanging presents...some quite expensive we Muslims don't do Christmas. Still I felt an obligation to go. I know my family understands that we don't celebrate Christmas but I felt like the "odd man out" anyway.  Next year I told her I wasn't coming and she didn't like it at all but I stuck to my guns.  My husband died 2 days before Christmas last year so I think she'll be more understanding about me not going from this year forward.


----------



## AprilSun (Dec 1, 2019)

I don't enjoy them now. I used to but since my husband passed away, I just don't enjoy them so I don't go. I'm not going out of obligation either. I hate those looks and comments I get because they think because it is family, I should go. Too bad, because I'm not going anywhere just because they think I should.


----------



## gennie (Dec 1, 2019)

WhatInThe said:


> To me the holidays are already too contrived and artificial. Making matters worse is the self inflicted pressure and expectations many put on themselves when hosting or planning an event on or around the holidays. Too many do or attend these things out of obligation, not the desire to be with various people or a good time. As matter of fact I've viewed them as time killers for decades now. It's the sos. BUT no one ever wants to speak up or tell how they really feel and like clock work the 'family' holiday dinner was not without incident or a sense of wasted time. It's an ordeal. Ironically the party people seem to be the only ones who want to keep it going in some fashion. Others just can't fathom a different type of holiday experience or different people.
> 
> I don't know about everyone else but I am sick and tired of these perfunctory holiday events that people participate in out habit and obligation vs true beliefs & joy..


I've been at that point for many years.  I try to avoid as much as possible so that i don't throw a wet blanket over the whole thing.


----------



## TravelinMan (Dec 1, 2019)

There is so much preparation and clean up involved in hosting a family dinner and so little time eating and enjoying the company.  That takes most of the joy out of it for us.


----------



## DaveA (Dec 1, 2019)

To each his own - - -I guess.  If you've had bad times and have become somewhat embittered by them, then by all means avoid them. But if not, as in my case, enjoy them to the fullest.  We've even moved our Christmas celebration to the 29th of December,  to accommodate more of our family.   My wife and I have no siblings so the gatherings are only our kids, grandkids, great grands, and the mates of those who are married.  Never yet heard a harsh word, before, during, or after the party.  

I think it's wrong to paint them all with a broad brush. Depending on one's family, the whole enterprise can be a disaster waiting to happen or a happy joyous occasion  with all or most of the family present.


----------



## Pinky (Dec 1, 2019)

Our family members, in the last 5 years or so, have opted to go to a buffet restaurant than someone's home. That way, there is no fuss and clean-up afterward. Everyone pays their share.


----------



## fuzzybuddy (Dec 1, 2019)

Yeah, those mandatory get togethers are brutal. But you have to  go to that stuff. It's family. You have to go, because someone you love shared a womb with someone else.


----------



## Butterfly (Dec 19, 2019)

fuzzybuddy said:


> Yeah, those mandatory get togethers are brutal. But you have to  go to that stuff. It's family. You have to go, because someone you love shared a womb with someone else.



No.  You don't have to go.  Life is too short to be obligated to participate in things that make you miserable.  

My sister and I went to her grandson's one Christmas a few years ago and it was the worst Christmas day I have ever spent.  We got the hell out of there as soon as we decently could.  Given the choice, I'd rather spend Christmas day being one of those people that stand on the sidewalks in some dumb costume waving signs trying to get people to come into their business.  In a blizzard.  Or being stuck in an airport.


----------



## Judycat (Dec 19, 2019)

Go for the dinner then abruptly leave. That's what I do. Haha.


----------



## toffee (Dec 19, 2019)

I would love to just book away anywhere will do ---- to be out of the rat race ordeal of it all ..
same ole thing -year in year out ' let someone else cook and wait on me for wonderful change .


----------



## Llynn (Dec 19, 2019)

This will be my it 75th Christmas so not much magic left. Grand-kids are all grown and involved in their own lives.  I do well on my own and increasingly prefer it that way.


----------



## Capt Lightning (Dec 19, 2019)

Fortunately I've never got involved with this type of event.  I'm always delighted to meet up with my children, but with the exception my parents golden wedding,  I've politely declined any invites that involve larger family gatherings.


----------



## Don M. (Dec 19, 2019)

Our family enjoys the holiday "get-togethers".  For years we hosted the events, but now our daughters take turns.  We don't have big elaborate meals..everyone brings a side dish, and the girls just prep the main course....ham or turkey, etc....and afterwards, the ladies spend a few minutes putting away the leftovers, and putting the dishes in the dishwasher.  For us, it's all about the conversations, and watching the little great grandkids doing their thing.  Fortunately, we all get along nicely, and it's always an enjoyable day.


----------



## Sunny (Dec 19, 2019)

My family's big holiday event every year is Thanksgiving. I love it.

But for Xmas, my son and grandson always come over, for lunch or dinner. I look forward to it. Not a big deal, just the 3 of us enjoying each other's company and exchanging small gifts. This year, grandson may bring his girlfriend, not sure yet.  We're doing it on Dec. 29, as that date works for everybody, and as Xmas is a seasonal celebration to me (rather than a religious holiday), I don't care which day it is.


----------



## oldman (Dec 19, 2019)

I enjoy going to the parties that I attend. I don't accept everyone's invitation, but I do go to the parties where I know there will be others that I enjoy being around and speaking with. Believe me, us pilots have great parties. We share a lot of really good stories that have transpired over our career. Not to mention some of the games we get involved in. 

As for the family dinner; I wouldn't want it any other way. I am sure that maybe someday when I get too old and getting dressed and attending may be a bothersome chore or maybe I will be too ill or unfit to attend, then I may have to pass on it, but for now, I look forward to the parties and family dinner. Of course, family and friends mean a lot to me. I am speaking about "sincere" friends, not make believe or phony people. I do not look at it as an obligation and until reading this thread, I never thought of it as that.


----------



## jerry old (Dec 19, 2019)

Like the pro and cons
If you enjoy the gatherings go
If you do not enjoy group feeds and social events, especially those that are burdensome  don't  go


----------



## WhatInThe (Dec 19, 2019)

oldman said:


> I enjoy going to the parties that I attend. I don't accept everyone's invitation, but I do go to the parties where I know there will be others that I enjoy being around and speaking with. Believe me, us pilots have great parties. We share a lot of really good stories that have transpired over our career. Not to mention some of the games we get involved in.
> 
> As for the family dinner; I wouldn't want it any other way. I am sure that maybe someday when I get too old and getting dressed and attending may be a bothersome chore or maybe I will be too ill or unfit to attend, then I may have to pass on it, but for now, I look forward to the parties and family dinner. Of course, family and friends mean a lot to me. I am speaking about "sincere" friends, not make believe or phony people. I do not look at it as an obligation and until reading this thread, I never thought of it as that.



Sounds like you or family did things right over the decades.

Here the formalness made it an obligation along with many people having to work or travel etc. Then critical people start dying off they just aren't the same in more ways than one. Very little in common with the family as time went on. Everybody was doing something different in different locations, types of jobs, schedules and people wound up trying to appease. Quite frankly if people had been more honest over the decades and said they had too much going on or wouldn't be attending this time I think things would've been much better today. Part of the issue too was for years all the holidays and too many birthdays were obligatory. The family hit saturation decades ago. Throw in the internet, cell phones it's a lot easier to communicate so at there is little new to talk about because the news spreads before the actual involved person tells everyone. Throw in some long running feuds keeping not even one's mouth shut will get one through these things without consternation which is at least one reason they are dreaded..


----------



## WhatInThe (Dec 19, 2019)

Just like the song/game from the 1980s obligatory holiday events can become mortal combat


----------



## oldman (Dec 19, 2019)

WhatInThe said:


> Sounds like you or family did things right over the decades.
> 
> Here the formalness made it an obligation along with many people having to work or travel etc. Then critical people start dying off they just aren't the same in more ways than one. Very little in common with the family as time went on. Everybody was doing something different in different locations, types of jobs, schedules and people wound up trying to appease. Quite frankly if people had been more honest over the decades and said they had too much going on or wouldn't be attending this time I think things would've been much better today. Part of the issue too was for years all the holidays and too many birthdays were obligatory. The family hit saturation decades ago. Throw in the internet, cell phones it's a lot easier to communicate so at there is little new to talk about because the news spreads before the actual involved person tells everyone. Throw in some long running feuds keeping not even one's mouth shut will get one through these things without consternation which is at least one reason they are dreaded..


My mom and dad were big on family get together's. Almost as bad as in the movie "Christmas Vacation." Dad would sometimes get out the slide or movie projector on holidays and show some of the stuff that we, as a family, did since the previous Christmas. No one was ever bored watching them because my dad would narrate them and he did it comically. Sometimes, he would even play a little background music on his guitar or piano. Funny man, that's for sure. 

Then, we would play a game or two that I cant remember what they were called, but everyone had to participate. One was something like "The Answer Game." Mom would have small gifts to give out to the winners. My dad and his brother (my uncle) were very good Country musicians. We would play for everyone on occasion. Dad thought he sounded like Hank Williams, but he was the only person that did that. My dad played the piano, guitar, banjo, fiddle, harmonica and to some degree the mandolin. I would play the fiddle and harmonica. My uncle played mostly the guitar; his old Gibson. He really cherished that thing. All the time wiping it with a polishing cloth. My dad insisted on Country music only. As he would say, "We ain't playing none of that rock 'n roll crap." He was a Sgt. in the military before retiring. 

Christmases were just a great time in our home. No one was turned away and we would even go out and help feed the shut-ins that the church provided a list for. My dad enjoyed doing charity work, but he never called it "charity" work. It was always, "I'm just helping a neighbor or friend."


----------



## WhatInThe (Dec 19, 2019)

oldman said:


> .............
> 
> Christmases were just a great time in our home. No one was turned away and we would even go out and help feed the shut-ins that the church provided a list for. My dad enjoyed doing charity work, but he never called it "charity" work. It was always, "I'm just helping a neighbor or friend."



To me things like charity work is where an adult with no or grown kids could be instead of a contrived obligation. I've done volunteer work. Never regretted. Some say I'm too quick to donate something because I always look at charity as an alternative.

At one T Day a family member told how they fed the homeless that morning. He mentioned it but what he didn't say he was performing community service for a recent DUI. Then naive or ignorant family plies them with alcohol.  When I hear bs or incomplete stories like that my blood boils. This is one reason they're so contrived.

I lived away from family and/or in resorts areas and people keep things a lot simplier or different. In some areas everyone has a barbeque at the beach. Much less formal. It's a day off why should everyone have to dress to impress or be somewhere by a clock or eat at a scheduled time like a scheduled break at work.


----------



## Keesha (Dec 19, 2019)

Pinky said:


> Our family members, in the last 5 years or so, have opted to go to a buffet restaurant than someone's home. That way, there is no fuss and clean-up afterward. Everyone pays their share.


We did that last year and it was great. It takes the pressure off everyone. There was about 20 of us.


----------



## RedAlert (Dec 19, 2019)

If they didn't bother to call or come see us all year long- no sense in coming on the holiday.
One year we had shrimp gumbo for Cmas and this year we will have a Mexician fiesta Xmas. Very very low key


----------



## twinkles (Dec 19, 2019)

i know what you mean about coming over 2x a year ---thanksgiving and christmas--that is so they wont have to cook-and then at christmas they are on the phones looking for after christmas sales


----------



## Ruth n Jersey (Dec 19, 2019)

I was getting very tired hosting the holiday get together, I had been doing it for over 40 years. Less and less of us around the table didn't make it any easier and the memories just made it harder. Then, just like magic my daughter married,took over the holiday dinners and gave me two grandsons. 

It was like a rebirth of Christmas for me. New family members, kids to play with and my daughter going crazy in the kitchen just like I did for the last 40 years. I help when needed but mostly sit back and enjoy. I still remember the past holidays but I don't dwell on them to the point that I get depressed over it. 

As far as gifts, I've tried many times to eliminate all but the immediate family. They don't want to do it. They say, just a little something. A little something is just as hard to find as a big something. None of us need anything. So, I make or buy goodies. They give me my goodies,I give them their goodies and so it goes. The important thing is that we are all together for another holiday.


----------



## Packerjohn (Dec 19, 2019)

No big deal here.  I listen to some Christmas music & put out a few lights but no tree & no presents.  Don't go shopping for junk that will end up in land fills.  On Christmas eve we go over to wife's niece for dinner.  On Christmas day we will sit around & watch Gunsmoke, The Twilight Zone & some great British shows we get on ROKU (Acorn & BritBox).  Life is good if you can escape the "rat race".  I learned many years ago that if you win the rat race, hey, your still a rat.  LOL  At my age, I know, that when I "kick the bucket", I will take nothing with me.  You might be different.  Good luck!


----------



## Pepper (Dec 20, 2019)




----------

