# Would you let family members put you in a home



## pchrise

*Especially kids*. *Met poor women 88 that was dumped in a nursing home and kids do not want to deal with her.  So sad.  How would you prevent that from happening to you.*


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## halalu

Is she ill and they can't give her proper care? The circumstances sometimes are reasons for those type of decisions


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## GeorgiaXplant

If I were in such bad shape that staying here and being an emotional and physical burden on my DD/DSIL warranted my being "put" in a home, yes.


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## halalu

Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions. I think the solution to making difficult decisions is to always try to take time to think things through and pray.


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## Vala

I would put myself in before I let my kids.  I know the best care homes in our area, if there are new ones I would know how to rate them. My fear would be them moving in with me in order to "take care of me".   That is happening 3 doors down from me.  The father died the daughter moved in with her husband to take care of the mother.  Later it was found out her home was being foreclosed on and now they have moved in more of their family.  Word is she is spending her mothers money.   Also if they stay there  the son who is suppose to be  over seeing the money may not be able to move the daughter and her family out after Mom dies.  This is a law in some states, I know for a fact it is in Arkansas.


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## Josiah

I would prefer a good nursing home than being taken care of by my children. BTW I get along fine with my kids.


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## Butterfly

Sometimes it is the family's only choice.  I have a good friend who agonized over this decision for months.  His mother had Alzheimers and he did all he could to take care of her at home, but she began wandering off --that was a huge problem; and then she became sort of combative and he hurt his back trying to take care of her.  No one in the family could afford to give up their job to take care of her 24/7 and she wasn't safe by herself.  In the end he made the difficult decision to put her in a nursing home, which is where she belonged.  I'm not sure she even knew she was in a nursing home -- by that time she was living in her own world and didn't know who she was or who anyone else was when they visited her.  It was heartwrenching for the family, but they simply could not take care of her at home.


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## SeaBreeze

I don't have any kids, and I guess my husband would put me in a home only if there was no other possible alternative.  If I needed a lot of home care, hopefully he would be able to have someone come in and assist him.  If I developed Alzheimer's Disease, then perhaps a home would be the only reasonable decision.  Neither of us want to be in a nursing home at all really, ever.  Both of us feel that if we were very ill, we would rather opt for something like assisted suicide, rather than go to a home.

When my husband's parents became so ill, starting with his father having a major stroke that paralyzed him, we were able to move them into our home and let them have the main floor for themselves.  His father was bedridden, but we were able to lift him into a wheelchair and move him around the house like that.  His mother also used a walker and wheelchair at times, as she had a lot of health issues herself.

When my mother was too ill to live by herself anymore, my sister and her husband welcomed her into their home.  Neither of us regret keeping our parents with us as opposed to putting them in a home, we wouldn't have had it any other way.

My friend had to put her mother in a nursing home many years ago.  She said she had to visit her very frequently, just to be sure that she was being cared for and not neglected.  Sometimes we would visit her mother together.  It was a depressing place to be, I always felt sorry for everyone there.


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## pchrise

*The sad part is she was not getting the care needed at that home , she had to go to the ER,  There are other options like a visiting nurse.  Some of those nursing homes abuse people*


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## Vala

When I looked for a care home I found the best ones in small towns near our city.  They were built with their citizens in mind, but take in others to fill the rooms. One especially  got two awards for outstanding services towards their patients in the last few year and went 5 years without  bad mark against them.   I did not find care homes in our city that I liked.


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## halalu

I don't think I would like to be in a care home. I have had the experience of moving in with a friend whose mother was bed-ridden. He didn't have the income to care for his mother so I moved in to help. Caring for a loved one who is at the end of their days is very stressful, depressing and a real reality check. I view life now in a very different way than I did before that experience. I really don't think she would have received the very good care she was given in her own home if she were in a care home. When a person has older family members "sacrifice" and who is going to make that sacrifice can open the door to all kinds of family problems. Then when the caring is over, some family members want to complain or blame the person who did all the work for something they didn't like about the way they were living during the caring process. The family members, except for his sister, were not doing the caring or living in the house and they provided no money and no time to help care for the mom, but they wanted to  complain and insult the people who did all the work and finances. The first time, caring for an ill person has no lessons it is a day by day process and we gave up our jobs to stay home to care for his mom. I don't understand, all I know is that I do not regret the decision I made to help him with his mother.


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## kcvet

my wife's mom stayed with us for awhile. she has alzheimer's and had reached the stage where she was very aggressive and impossible to deal with. they decided to put her in full nursing. no choice.


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## jujube

My mother tried keeping her mother at home, but it became impossible.  The stress was killing my dad, who wasn't well.  She had to be watched 24/7 or she'd do things like pour a pan of dishwater into a stove burner (don't ask me why) or drink a glass of bbq sauce, thinking it was ginger ale (don't ask me how she thought THAT).  Finally, the social worker told my mom that if she didn't put Grandma into a home, they'd be doing great harm to themselves.  So we found an adult congregate living facility that had five other elderly ladies in it that was less than a mile from their house and we scheduled that someone in the family dropped by every single day to see her.   She pretty much lived in la-la land anyway, so she wasn't any unhappier there than at home.  Eventually, she had to move into a good nursing home, but it was even closer and we kept up the schedule of visiting every day.  Sometimes she knew us, sometimes she didn't.  

On one of her lucid days, she said to me, "I sacrificed and did without all my life to save up for a rainy day and I guess this is my rainy day..."   It about broke my heart.  

I hope when my time comes, I will have the cognitive ability to recognize when it is time for me to go into care.  I certainly have no illusions that my daughter will take care of me.


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## Prairie dog

Sometimes when elderly have bad accidents at home.They are accessed if they can live on their own.The doctor then has them panelled . They are placed in a nursing home here.They have a choice of 3.

This happened to my MIL.She got to her choice within 3 months.It was not too far from where we live.

She lived there for 10 years,died at the age of 92.It was a good nursing home.

Ours here is based on income.


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## Vala

If it is based on income can she stay if she runs out of money?


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## Prairie dog

Vala....Not assets but total income...Income from all pensions & any interest earned.So, you will never run out of money.


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## Josiah

I'm reasonably pleased with the nursing home where I placed my wife. It's important that patients have advocates who pay attention to all the details. It doesn't hurt to not act too adversarial. Today I arranged to have enough pizzas delivered tomorrow for the entire staff all three shifts. One thing you learn quickly is that the staff in nursing homes all follow terrible personal health habits. Most smoke and and I'm sure they'll all indulge in tomorrow's free pizza.


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## SeaBreeze

How nice of you Josiah!  Glad your wife is in one of the better nursing homes and your mind can rest easier.


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## Prairie dog

When my MIL was in the nursing home, I brought a large amount of baking each Christmas.Cabbage rolls for one nurse.


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## Vala

Prairie dog,  I saw a lawyer as soon as my husband was diagnosed with AZ.  He explained what I needed to do if I put my husband in a care home.  The day I put him into the care home I was to make an appointment with SRS and do a division of assets.  The lawyer asked about my assets, then told me I could keep the car  and the home.  The rest of the assets would be divided and when I spend down to half, my husband would go on Medicaid and I would keep the rest. The attorney was right about everything he told me.  I paid $4,000. plus each month plus meds.   He died one month before he would have gone on Medicaid.  If he had lived longer I would have lost  $500. of our monthly income.  I could have lived on what that left me.   The good thing about the division of assets beside not leaving me a pauper was that I got to live off of what I called his half or the top half.  My car was 5 years old and I was 10 years younger than him, so I wanted to replace it.  It was allowed.  Also if you have less than $19,000 in assets you get to keep them all and the same with the income.  I don't remember the numbers on the income.  I was really surprised at how the spouse was protected from losing everything.  If people don't know about the division of assets they will end up broke.


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## Prairie dog

Vala..sorry about your loss of your hubby.$4000 is a lot to pay.Good you got advise from  lawyer.

My MIL paid about 1600 & meds were covered.She had about 300 left after the cost in nursing home.When we did he income tax,she got a refund of 800 without paying any tax during the year.

Here as well ,the fees are much less, if a spouse is living in a home or apartment.

Things are a lot different here in Canada.

A friend of mine in Connecticut has put her home in her children’s names.


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## Vala

Thanks for your kind words.  It was his time, he was 80 and literally did not know up from down.  Just before he died, the home put him in the hospital, that is a loop hole in the law, then they don't have to take him back.  They told me his next home would have to be a mental institution, he was a fighter. He did not understand what they were doing when they had to bath him or change his clothes.  He did not know who I was but he knew he loved me and would tear up when I walked into his room. 

If you anyone here puts their  children's names on their parents home, they had better hope they don't need a care home for at least 5 years and maybe more.  They can find the transaction and the date when it was signed over to the kids.  When I was at the SRS I told him about my assets and even my 1/4 share in my Mom's home which she had sold to us years before she died.  He immediately pulled it up, told me the value and how much would be mine.  That went on the asset list also.   Medicaid can be denied if the children don't return the money.  

I think your medical is much cheaper than in the states, but it's very expensive to live there.  I truly love Vancouver, wonderful place.


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## Prairie dog

Vala..I forgot to say that the Gov't subsidises the fees at nursing home here.Here they only went back 2 years on income tax,but that was nearly 15 years ago.Things could of changed now.

If children were to get sued,the parents home could be on jeopardy.

Vancouver is nice but expensive,too much rain for me.


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## Vala

Yes but if she was going into a nursing that wouldn't be a problem, she would have to sell it if she ran out of money.  Usually people don't go back home unless they are there just for rehab.  A lot of people in this country try to hide the assets so it won't be lost to a care home.  

I am very familiar with money situations like that in our country.  My Dad died in an auto accident when a teen ran a stop sign doing 80 mph.  Mom sued, it was settled out of court.  Because there was  a minor child it had to go through the courts.The court was going to give my Mom half of the money and our 13 sister the other half.  We would not allow that.   We would not sign the release paper and the judge made  a negative remark about how selfish we were.  Well, he didn't know we gave the money back to mom.  Our little sister could have married right out of high school and a guy would ended up with it. We wanted our mom to have it. There were 4 of us including my little sister and Mom divided that half of the money and put it in 4 bank accounts.   Each of us  were joint owners of one account.  The point is that any of us could have taken the money in our account, but none of us would have done that. We could have lost it in a divorce or a law suit as you said.  It was the only simple way to do it and that was in 1960 and there may not have been as many options back then.

I wanted to  add.  When mom reached a certain age she started gifting us as much money as the law allows, I think it was $10,000 to me and $5,000 to my husband.  She did that until we had all of her money except a few thousand which she later gave to me and my sister because we cared for her.


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## LogicsHere

I work full time and am currently looking after my 94 year old mother who is not only handicapped, but is also diabetic, has glaucoma, dementia and depends on a Pacemaker.  I'm trying to keep her out of a nursing home for as long as I can, but it gets harder every week as she becomes more needy and unable to do things for herself. Last night she woke me up as she needed to go to the bathroom but she said she was so dizzy that she felt like she was going to pass out (she has been having syncope issues). Right now with the help of an aide during the day, I have able to handle the situation, but should she become immobile and it's looking more like that's going to be a possibility in the not too distant future, I will have no choice but to put her in a home because I won't be able to help her any more. It's not a decision I want to make, but I doubt that I will have a choice.

As for me, I have no children so it's entirely possible that should a home become necessary that I will either be the one who puts myself into one or my doctor.


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## halalu

Vala

I have been off-line for a while. I am sorry that you are suffering a loss. I read the post that you sent me and you seem to be working through your sorrow in a positive way. Once again I want you to know that I emphathize with you and if I can give you any comfort or joy with words just send a message.


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## Melody1948

pchrise said:


> *The sad part is she was not getting the care needed at that home , she had to go to the ER,  There are other options like a visiting nurse.  Some of those nursing homes abuse people*



PChrise, my son put my mom in a nursing home as I lived in London, too far for me to look after her.  I came up to see her and she had been abused there, so I immediately took her out and contacted the Government, but no one gave me the time of day.  They don't want to hear about abuse.  I then brought my mom to London and took care of her until she died.  She had the best of care with me and we had nurses and help come in so I wouldn't burn out too much.  She died peacefully in my arms at the age of 94, she didn't know me the last three years as she had alzheimers.  

I would do it all over again without a second thought.  I  loved taking care of my sweet little mommy.  I dream about her all the time.  I did it all, just like a nurse, even cleaning her diapers.  Nothing bothered me because I loved her dearly.  I also took care of my dad years ago, but he didn't have alzheimers and he died at the age of 64.
I took care of one husband before he died also, from kidney failure. 

The thought of going in a nursing home terrifies me because of the abuse I saw with my mom.  I cannot bear the thoughts of it and I plan to take my own life before that happens.  I am not kidding!!!


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## Blaze Duskdreamer

I hope if it ever comes to that the aortic aneurysm grows and bursts and kills me.  Yes, I am serious.  I don't want to be either in a nursing home or dependent on my daughter who swears she'd never do that to me but I worry faced with the reality, she might.  Money would stop her though.  It costs twice as much as my pensions for assisted living.  I've checked.

I do not want to be a burden to my daughter.  I already worry about how much she does for me; she complains because I don't ask her for more and says it would be preferable to worrying about me.  She says swallow your pride and ask.  I'm getting better at it.  I swear.

I even more do not want to be caged until I die in a nursing home.  Please, seriously, let the bad heart or the aneurysm take me out.

But we all know it is not that simple, is it?  Shudder.


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## Vala

Blaze I feel the same way, I have planned my life for different scenarios and have also planned my death.  Unless I have a stroke I will not go to a care home.


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## NancyNGA

Blaze Duskdreamer said:


> I hope if it ever comes to that the aortic aneurysm grows and bursts and kills me.  Yes, I am serious.



Blaze, that is my mother's exact same situation, and also how she feels.  She has known about an aneurysm for at least 10 years.  Never wanted surgery.  
I understand completely. :rose:


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## Blaze Duskdreamer

Vala said:


> Blaze I feel the same way, I have planned my life for different scenarios and have also planned my death.  Unless I have a stroke I will not go to a care home.



Absolutely.  And frankly if I ever have a stroke or heart attack, I hope they take me out.  We don't get to pick.  I do have to get a living will in place.



NancyNGA said:


> Blaze, that is my mother's exact same situation, and also how she feels.  She has known about an aneurysm for at least 10 years.  Never wanted surgery.
> I understand completely. :rose:



I hope she lives with it for decades to come!  So far, it's been about two for me and it hasn't grown and that's with me not being as good as I should be.  I hope I'm happily independent for another 30!  But I'll take whatever I get.


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## Georgia Lady

I will put myself in when the time comes.  My Father was so stubborn that Husband and I had to run back and forth between our home and his home (200 miles).  He would not move in with us.  We couldn't re-locate because of our business.  It almost cost my marriage and our business.  I will not be that selfish.

My closest Daughter and her husband have a two bedroom house next to their house that my son-in-law's Mother lives in. He has already told me it will be mine after his Mother dies.  She is 88, but doing very well.  I am 68 and hopefully have time to make the choices I want.


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## Warrigal

> Would you let family members put you in a home



I'm counting on the kids to see that I get the care I need, however I will probably take an active part in deciding on the best home available.


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## Ralphy1

I am working on the best (not messy) way to check out when the time comes.  I have two older sisters in homes and I will avoid their fate if I have the courage...


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## Josiah

My wife is currently in a nursing home and given her severe needs for skilled nursing, I see no alternative. I tried to care for her as long as I was able, but what my wife needed was a professional care giver not a hapless husband. I visit my wife daily and have seen no instances of less than competent caring treatment of her. Were I ever in the same sad situation my wife is now I could wish for no more than to be in a nursing home.


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## Josiah

Ralphy1 said:


> I am working on the best (not messy) way to check out when the time comes.  I have two older sisters in homes and I will avoid their fate if I have the courage...


Your might look at "Final Exit" by Derek Humphry.


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## Stormy

I trust them to do what's best, I hope they don't have to make a decision like that.


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## Georgia Lady

I know my oldest Daughter and my Grandaughters would never want me to go into a nursing home.  But I do not want to be a burden.  Would be much happier knowing they can go on with their lives.


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## LadyElaine

My sister and I had to do that. My mom had to go into a nursing home for her safety. It was so hard.


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## Lon

pchrise said:


> *especially kids*. *met poor women 88 that was dumped in a nursing home and kids do not want to deal with her.  So sad.  How would you prevent that from happening to you.*



over my dead body!!!


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## Josiah

I share with Ralphy a willingness to check out in dignified way at a time of my own choosing. This option, however, becomes less tenable with the onset of early senility and I imagine I'm headed in that direction with no particularly painful terminal illness on my horizon. I sometime wish a had a friend I could entrust with the responsibility make the decisions and take the necessary actions if I became too senile to do it myself. I'm close to both of my sons but I'm unwilling to burden them with such a responsibility. I few days of unremitting pain would go a long way to focusing my mind on this very important issue.


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## Ina

Thanks Josiah09, for the book title.  I studied horticulture for three years, and plants can be very useful. :wave:


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## jujube

Well, the boyfriend's mother was released from the rehabilitation unit today and either had to go home alone (impossible) or enter the nursing home wing.  After two days of strife and stress, tears and yelling, she has agreed to move temporarily into the nursing home until the other brother comes and gets her to go home with him several states away.  The nursing home is $8000 a month.  She does not have the money to stay there more than two months. She has finally agreed to let us sell her house and put the money away in case she needs to go into a nursing home there.  We're going to have to get the house fixed up and on he market FAST!

My mom had the foresight to put her house and property into a trust several years ago.  When she has to go on Medicaid, they cannot take her house away as she doesn't own it....the trust does.   We might have to sell it to make up the difference between what Medicaid will pay and what the right nursing home will charge, but we won't be FORCED to do so.


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## GeneMO

I was on dialysis for 8 months.  That was 24 years ago.  I had a renal transplant.   I am 60, and I wont go through it again, not at my age and condition.   I get around pretty good, now.  I am an avid shooter.   When I think I am getting to the point that I can't function much longer, I am taking myself out.

Farms are set up for the kids, plenty of life ins. bills paid, I had a good run.  I am going out on my terms.   I always told the kids I am climbing up the silo and jumping, but may not be able to get that done.

Gene


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## oldman

I wouldn't mind going into a place like a community surrounded by a hospital where you buy the house temporarily until you pass away and then they resell it again. I can't think what they call those places, but I have known people that have done this and they seem to be good with it when I have spoken with the, I also like assisted living. My Mom stayed in one for three months while healing from a broken hip and replacement and my Sister and I had to almost drag her out of the place when it was time for her to leave. But, for a nursing home, where I would be exclusively in bed, No, thanks. Laying in a bed waiting to die is not what I have in mind before I leave this sweet earth. 

Oh, yeah, I just thought of those places that I was trying to remember what they are called. Retirement Villages. I visited my Aunt and Uncle in one years back and they were both well satisfied.


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## pchrise

Lon said:


> over my dead body!!!


  We should keep our minds or the goverment will put us in their system, its all about money, just like when you were a kid had to be in  school.


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## Sunny

As I just recommended in another thread, if it's at all possible, everyone should have long term care insurance to cover home health aides, nursing homes, assisted living, etc.


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## Dreamplanter

That's a good reason for moving to a Continuing Care Retirement Community.  Move in when you're compos mentis and if you need care, it's there for you.


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## Lethe200

Family doesn't have to. We have LTCi policies, and we plan to eventually sell our SFH and downsize to a CCRC (continuing care retirement community). We've been doing our homework on retirement/eldercare issues for the last 15 yrs, lol. We had 7 yrs of "practice" with my DH's mother, as follows: 


My widowed MIL lived with us from 2006, when she sold her beloved home, but it was never an optimal place for her. We had to eventually face the reality of her moderate dementia. She kept saying, "Oh, those are places you go to die. I'll know when I'm ready to go into one!"

But she DIDN'T know. She couldn't; she could manage day-to-day small things, but she had lost the ability to handle her finances or legal issues. Making decisions was anxiety-producing and stressful.

We could not, and refused to, make promises that would eventually be against her best interests. Those decisions weren't easy for us to make. But she needed what we could not give her, and we had to acknowledge that. To do otherwise was unfair to her.

After over a year of intense research into nearby Asst. Living/full nursing facilities, in Nov 2013 she moved into a nearby facility we had selected. At first reluctant, within a month she was in love with her sunny bright studio, her new furniture, the excellent food (on a schedule that never changed, unlike how we eat), the wonderful staff, the many residents who considered her "the young one" - at age 85!

She became a whiz at bingo and bocce ball, surprising everyone. Her friends and family commented to us that it was the first time since her husband died, that they had seen her return to her previous good spirits. We visited every week, met her new friends, ate meals with her in the dining room or took her out for Asian food. Christmas 2014 my whole family came to the Xmas lunch buffet and we had a table for twenty. She was so happy and proud, showing her apartment off and telling them about how busy she was every day with the many activities.

She died unexpectedly in March 2015. She was still in Asst Lvg, with what's called Level 1 help (medication management and bathing assistance). It is amazing and touching how many people at the facility, both staff and residents, have come up to us to say how special she was, and much they will miss her laughter and cheerfulness.

It took us a year to find the right facility for my MIL. It is not something one should contemplate lightly. It is not just what the foyer looks like, or what the sales reps promise. It involves spending time and researching everything, from the facility's reputation/state quality ranking/finances/staff turnover, to how the night staff acts towards residents. 

When we visited facilities, we asked to see everything, including the Memory Care and Skilled Nursing units. We investigated the staff turnover ratios, and checked how well the facility was rated by both federal and state guidelines.

Jumping into the facility nearest to one's home, or because the sales literature promises everything your heart desires, is like picking a doctor or lawyer by throwing a dart at an open phonebook. You might be lucky, but the chances are equally good you might not.

The lesson we took away from my MIL's senior years was: so many Boomers make the promise of "Okay, we'll never put you in a home." What they don't realize is that sometimes one's home is NOT always the best place.

All of us need not only family, but also friends - people that share common interests, who are willing to discuss today's weather for 20 minutes every morning, to share sudoku games and TV's "Jeopardy" show. Who can remember the same old songs. Who know what it's like to be old and a little scared of what the future might bring.

When you think about life as an elder, remember that all four "legs of the chair" - health, legal, financial, and social - are equally important. Going early (if 85 can be considered 'early') to a facility meant MIL was still active and could make new friends, even learn new things.

We are grateful that the last year of her life was one of the happiest, and that we were right to stand firm and make what was truly the best decision for her.


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## applecruncher

I have an aunt who was placed in a nursing home at 68 a couple years ago. Dementia (I noticed she was becoming difficult to converse with...I'd been cautioned), not able to take care her of her own hygiene on a consistent basis, sometimes physically violent (attacking husband and daughter), throwing objects. She could not be left alone…..insisted on cooking but started a fire in the kitchen bad enough to call fire dept.

It’s a good nursing home from what I hear. They visit her every day and usually have a meal with her.

Me….I would not have a problem going to a nursing home or assisted living if the time comes.


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## Kathy G in MI

I had to put my Dad into a nursing/assisted living. He had ALZ and it was taking my mother down. One day she got up and he had taken the kitchen table apart and it was in pieces in the dining room! He would drive off and be gone for hours and she would have to call the police. (BTW, she did not tell me what was happening, a neighbor called me, I live 3 hours away). When I went for a visit Dad wanted to take a walk, Mom said sometimes he walks in the neighborhood. Well, he walked up onto the highway and fell, a good Samaritan and a nurse stopped and brought him home (he told them). Within 2 weeks I had found him a home to go to only 1 1/2 miles from the house. It was a sad day, but had to be done. One day while visiting he said, "I saw this coming". It broke my heart, but I never regretted my decision.


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## NancyNGA

pchrise said:


> *Would you let family members put you in a home.*



Not only would I let them, I'd insist on it.  That's why I will put something in writing now, while I'm still thinking straight.


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## nonirose

I was my mom's caregiver for eight years. I also worked full time, was married, had underage children....I became ill myself. I hired people to come in and had to fork out-of-pocket most the time. My schedule was 5 am bathing her, work by 8 am, lunch and give meds, back to work and then the rest of the time with her. My ex husband was good with her as well as my teenage children but our relationships were suffering. Her last two years I had to put her in a facility and I was there daily with her in between work. The guilt was horrendous but she was bedridden, went blind, was on dialysis, and developed dementia. 

My youngest daughter who is now turning 30 this year, wants to care for me and is selling her home to move to Oregon. Her husband is for it and wants to build a "Noni's quarters" to give me space but I be close. However, I chose Oregon to transfer to because of their physician assisted suicide law. I know that is controversial to some but for me with my health issues and what I've seen my mom, dad and others go through, I refuse to do that to my kids when the time comes.


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## Josiah

nonirose said:


> I was my mom's caregiver for eight years. I also worked full time, was married, had underage children....I became ill myself. I hired people to come in and had to fork out-of-pocket most the time. My schedule was 5 am bathing her, work by 8 am, lunch and give meds, back to work and then the rest of the time with her. My ex husband was good with her as well as my teenage children but our relationships were suffering. Her last two years I had to put her in a facility and I was there daily with her in between work. The guilt was horrendous but she was bedridden, went blind, was on dialysis, and developed dementia.
> 
> My youngest daughter who is now turning 30 this year, wants to care for me and is selling her home to move to Oregon. Her husband is for it and wants to build a "Noni's quarters" to give me space but I be close. However, I chose Oregon to transfer to because of their physician assisted suicide law. I know that is controversial to some but for me with my health issues and what I've seen my mom, dad and others go through, I refuse to do that to my kids when the time comes.



Physician Assisted Suicide isn't controversial on this forum. Several threads have dealt with the subject and if agreement (in favor) wasn't total it was very near total.
I think retiring in Oregon is a very farsighted decision.


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## Josiah

NancyNGA said:


> Not only would I let them, I'd insist on it.  That's why I will put something in writing now, while I'm still thinking straight.



My sentiments exactly.


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## Skyking

Couple of thoughts for an aging thread...
1. I saw this a lot, but you don't know how she treated those kids for the past 60 years. Karma has a habit of coming around and paying back what is owed and what is sowed. She looks pathetic now but when she was younger she may have been hell to live with.
2. She may be hell to live with now. 
3. If she's 88 then the kids are probably in their 60's. How many kids can lift Mom in and out of the tub or shower? Not all mothers are small (no choice option). 
4. Maybe she really needs that Nursing Home and the care they can provide. (good choice option) 
5. God bless the Child who has his own ( $$$ money that is and then Mom can go where she wants).  
6. But the ultimate best way to avoid the 'Home' is to raise your kids with as much love as possible. Raise them as the Bible instructs and then give your worries to the Lord. He'll take care of the rest.


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