# Is This a Common Trend with Aging?



## imp (Oct 28, 2015)

I know that years back, my wife and I agreed on almost everything, every issue presenting itself. No matter the source, content, or value.

Today, we DIS-agree on almost everything. Is it us?    imp


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## fureverywhere (Oct 28, 2015)

Now that is interesting. When we first married I was the mouse. He was spot on Sonny Corleone...punch a hole in the wall, mad because it hurt then mad because you had to patch the wall. At mid-life we agree more than ever that the world is beyond us. Thirty years on and much closer for it. If anything I am punching that virtual wall now.


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## Shalimar (Oct 28, 2015)

Imp, I think it is a common enough trait among couples who have been together since they were young. As we grow older, our personality firms, becomes solid, if you will. We often tend to be far less willing to go along with the other person  just to 

maintain narmony. Women in particular, may find their voice in middle age.The partner who seemed so compatible in our 

thirties, may have grown in an entirely different direction by the time one reaches senior status. They may 

Hold views diametrically opposite to our own. This can cause friction. If communication is rocky, or absent, the relationship suffers dramatically.


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## imp (Oct 28, 2015)

Agreed, and understood! In the case of a second marriage for both, would you cast similar consideration forth? That daunting, malingering, deeply buried consideration that he/she "did it before" eating beneath the aura of status quo during a second marriage.   imp


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## Linda (Oct 28, 2015)

It's you Imp, you are wrong about everything.     I'm just joking Imp.   No, I think it might be a common trend, although my husband and I have always had our own opinions about things no matter what age we were.  On the important big stuff, we usually agreed and still do except I'd like to live in town and he likes the country.  

What I have noticed is my husband and brother have started bickering l*ike an old married couple. * They've been best friends for over 50 years and started this arguing about 2 years ago.  It's starting to concern me.  My brother has lived in a 5th wheel in our back yard under a big oak tree since he retired 5 or 6 years ago.  His wife died about 10 years ago.  Anyway, they argue about the silliest things and it seems like they each jump on the other one about stuff that years ago they would have just let slid. They argue a lot about the temperature and what it is, both inside and out.  It's not big arguments it's just little things and it's close to driving me nuts.  And to top that off, my brother is really getting forgetful and mixed up so I think dementia is setting in.  And I think my husband is getting a little bit forgetful too.  I tell the kids (mine and my brother's) that I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck here in the mountains with 2 crazy old men driving a backhoe around the property.  My brother bought a big backhoe just because he used to run heavy equipment 50 years ago.  He still knows how to run it but he's so forgetful I'm afraid to have him on it, plus, he doesn't need it!!!  And sometimes, (Oh, I shouldn't even get started here, I could write a book!) my husband gets in the bucket of it and then my brother puts him up real high to cut off a tree limb or do electrical work out at our power pole!  They act like 2 little kids sometimes!  I'm concerned this arguing is something they are not going to get over.  They help and take care of each other a lot and it's so sad to see it come to this.  Here is a photo of them about 48 years ago when my brother (on the right) was in a store buying a Polaroid camera.


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## Shalimar (Oct 28, 2015)

Handsome men, Linda. I can see why the bickering could drive you nuts. Perhaps it may be enhanced by the aging process, although some people use arguing as a form of affectionate communication. Odd to those of us who do not.


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## imp (Oct 28, 2015)

*What foot is the Shoe On?*



Linda said:


> It's you Imp, you are wrong about everything. Of course, Lin, I already know it!!
> 
> What I have noticed is my husband and brother have started bickering l*ike an old married couple. *.   I tell the kids (mine and my brother's) that *I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck here in the mountains with 2 crazy old men driving a backhoe around the property.* Could be stuck in the mountains with worse, like my wife was once with me!
> 
> ...



/////


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## Shalimar (Oct 28, 2015)

Yes Imp, second marriages can be wonderful, but  they can also carry ghosts of past commitments.


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## tnthomas (Oct 29, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Yes Imp, second marriages can be wonderful, but  they can also carry ghosts of past commitments.



Gets worse by marriage #3.   By #4 you get honorary degree for marriage counseling....if you make it to a major anniversary milestone.


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## Ameriscot (Oct 30, 2015)

tnthomas said:


> Gets worse by marriage #3.   By #4 you get honorary degree for marriage counseling....if you make it to a major anniversary milestone.



I'm on #3 and the best by far. 15 years so far. No counseling needed. Husband is glad the first two were such b*stards as it makes him almost saintly.


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## Capt Lightning (Oct 30, 2015)

I think that as I've got older, my attitudes have hardened and become less compromising.  My 'other, and doubtless Better, half', just tends to let me ramble.  Occasionally, friends and family think we argue, but we don't really.  After 42 years of marriage, we're not going to waste time on arguments.  There's still time for a lot of fun.


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## Pappy (Oct 30, 2015)

For what it's worth, Imp. My wife and I have been together almost 59 years. Most of the time, we agree on just about everything, and there are days we couldn't agree if our lives depended on it. Most of the time it's stupid things we can't agree on. i think a contributing factor is when we were working, we didn't see that much of each other, now, we are together 24/7.


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## imp (Oct 30, 2015)

I have a rather dim-witted theory about this topic. Being aware of our mortality creates the unknown which is wonder and concern for the time, when it arrives, that we will be making it alone, when a spouse passes on. Unconsciously, "testing" and preparation begins, which in subconsciously intended to "steel" us for that time in advance of it's arrival. Kind of preparation of a mental "cushion". 

It's not obvious, and not seriously distressing, just a gradual "distancing", if you will. No believer in psychoanalysis, and perhaps Shalimar will "straighten" me out here.   imp


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## Shalimar (Oct 30, 2015)

Imp, I am not certain any straightening is required. More than one way to fly right, I think. People deal with impending mortality/loss in a variety of ways. For some, it draws them closer, others require a certain emotional distance in order to avoid 
crashing should they lose their partner. The only pitfalls I see, could come in the form of overdoing it, ie: either too clingy or too distant --these attitudes can mar the time you have left to share with each other.


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## Linda (Oct 30, 2015)

imp said:


> I have a rather dim-witted theory about this topic. Being aware of our mortality creates the unknown which is wonder and concern for the time, when it arrives, that we will be making it alone, when a spouse passes on. Unconsciously, "testing" and preparation begins, which in subconsciously intended to "steel" us for that time in advance of it's arrival. Kind of preparation of a mental "cushion".
> 
> It's not obvious, and not seriously distressing, just a gradual "distancing", if you will. No believer in psychoanalysis, and perhaps Shalimar will "straighten" me out here.   imp




I have wondered about that before too.  I think you and  Shalimar might be right about it.


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## fureverywhere (Oct 30, 2015)

I think that as I've got older, my attitudes have hardened and become less compromising.  My 'other, and doubtless Better, half', just tends to let me ramble.  Occasionally, friends and family think we argue, but we don't really.  After 42 years of marriage, we're not going to waste time on arguments.  There's still time for a lot of fun.

I think that sums it up rather nicely. After almost thirty years together the stuff we used to fight over has completely lost significance. Now we realize we won't be here forever, might as well be blissful where we are. We know each other we can almost finish each others sentences. In fact we do...
Hubby-Ya know what I heard? Remember that guy who used to live a few houses ovah?
Me-Oh yeah Lupo, the Lupos, Joseph
Hubby-Yeah well his daughter what was her name 
Me-Geraldine, she started the dance studio
Hubby-and the mother
Me-She was a teacher
Hubby-Carol yeah that was it, she taught somewhere
Me-Newark
Hubby-Yeah that's it, now I forgot what I was going to tell ya


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## imp (Oct 30, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Imp, I am not certain any straightening is required. More than one way to fly right, I think. People deal with impending mortality/loss in a variety of ways. For some, it draws them closer, others require a certain emotional distance in order to avoid
> crashing should they lose their partner. The only pitfalls I see, could come in the form of overdoing it, ie: either too clingy or too distant --these attitudes can mar the time you have left to share with each other.



"Emotional distance" is the perfect term, which I could not come up with! Thank you!   imp


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## fureverywhere (Oct 30, 2015)

oops double post


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## Underock1 (Oct 30, 2015)

fureverywhere said:


> I think that as I've got older, my attitudes have hardened and become less compromising.  My 'other, and doubtless Better, half', just tends to let me ramble.  Occasionally, friends and family think we argue, but we don't really.  After 42 years of marriage, we're not going to waste time on arguments.  There's still time for a lot of fun.
> 
> I think that sums it up rather nicely. After almost thirty years together the stuff we used to fight over has completely lost significance. Now we realize we won't be here forever, might as well be blissful where we are. We know each other we can almost finish each others sentences. In fact we do...
> Hubby-Ya know what I heard? Remember that guy who used to live a few houses ovah?
> ...



Love it. :laugh:,,and oh so true!


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## QuickSilver (Oct 31, 2015)

tnthomas said:


> Gets worse by marriage #3.   By #4 you get honorary degree for marriage counseling....if you make it to a major anniversary milestone.



Not always...  My 3rd marriage is the best one I've had...  I chalk that up to my knowing how to choose better..   Just thought back to the first two choices and picked the opposite.. hahahahahaha


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## Robusta (Nov 6, 2015)

My wife and I argue less now than we ever did. We used to run our relationship as a contest of wills,neither of us willing to give ground or lose face under any circumstances.
 Over the years I learned that my balls were not going to fall of if I conceded to her,and she learned that she did not become subservient if she conceded the occaisional point to a male.
On me aging has had a wonderful effect,making me a much better person than I ever was. I have become much more considerate of those around me. I have not reached the point where I "celebrate" diversity,but I certainly am accepting of it. It is much less stressful than hating and raging against everything and anyone I didn't understand. 
 These days the only thing that gets my fired up are the TeaParty inspired republicans and the knee jerk ban all guns uber liberals!


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## The Inspector (Nov 7, 2015)

> These days the only thing that gets my fired up are the TeaParty inspired republicans and the knee jerk ban all guns uber liberals




I get that people like low taxes and there are to many guns. But the no compromise people are frustrating. 

Even kings had to compromise at times.


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## jujube (Nov 8, 2015)

An Irish woman goes to the lawyer's office to ask about getting a divorce.

"Do you have grounds for divorce?", asks the lawyer.

"Grounds?  No, we live in an apartment, no grounds at all.  I don't even have a window-box for me flowers."

"Well, is there a grudge involved?"

"Grudge?  We've never even owned a car and he keeps his cycle out in the hallway.  No need for a grudge."

"I'm just trying to find out if you have a case."

"Mary, Joseph and Jesus, what would I need a case for?  He never takes me on a holiday and I barely have the clothes on me back, so what would I have need of a case to put me rags in?"

"Well, does he beat you up?"

"Beat me up?  I should say not!  The lazy amadan sleeps til noon since he went on the dole, but I have to get up to get the children off to school every day at the crack 'o dawn.  Beat me up, indeed!"

"Do you and your husband still have....um.....relations?"

"Well, he still has his mother living, the auld banshee, and me auld da is hanging on somewhere."

"Mrs. Murphy, we have to establish some due cause for divorce.  How about infidelity?"

"Well, saints alive, there you go, I think you might have it.  I know for a fact that the two youngest kids aren't his!"

"Mrs. Murphy, we're not getting anywhere.  Exactly WHY do you want a divorce from your husband?"

"He's driving me out of me mind and I can't live like that.  I just can't have an intelligent conversation wi' the man!"


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## AZ Jim (Nov 8, 2015)

Marrige #2 has been 43 years and we agree on almost everything.  When we don't it's usually some little thing that doesn't matter that much anyhow.  If we disagreed on almost everything, we would not be married.


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## QuickSilver (Nov 8, 2015)

That's my feeling.. Why be married to someone you don't agree on anything with?  Life's too short.


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## Bobw235 (Nov 8, 2015)

My wife and I have been married 38 years and we're in synch about most things.  Having been together since our freshman year in college, and then dating for four years, we had plenty of time to see if we were a fit.  We certainly have our differences, but usually compromise is the order of the day.  Sometimes I give in, other times it's my wife that gives ground.  The most constant area of disagreement tends to be on gifts, where I tend to be more frugal, she tends to be more generous, especially when it comes to family.  The other area of disagreement these days centers around my wanting to do more of the work around the house (lawn care, snow removal), where my wife is adamant that she doesn't want me doing that kind of work.  In view of my upcoming retirement, I'm going to broach the subject of the landscaper again to see if we can save some costs.  We'll see how it goes.  She's never given in on my getting a snowblower.


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## Lyn (Nov 8, 2015)

imp said:


> I have a rather dim-witted theory about this topic. Being aware of our mortality creates the unknown which is wonder and concern for the time, when it arrives, that we will be making it alone, when a spouse passes on. Unconsciously, "testing" and preparation begins, which in subconsciously intended to "steel" us for that time in advance of it's arrival. Kind of preparation of a mental "cushion".
> 
> It's not obvious, and not seriously distressing, just a gradual "distancing", if you will. No believer in psychoanalysis, and perhaps Shalimar will "straighten" me out here.   imp



Can't speak for the world at large, but for myself this I have found to be true.   Creating distance so it will not be so unbearable later is exactly what I was doing. The vehicle I used to create the distance was angry bickering.  In 45 years, this was a new facet between us.  It took me a while to figure out the anger is really fear.  I still don't have it all worked out, but awareness has made a difference.


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## imp (Nov 8, 2015)

Lyn said:


> Can't speak for the world at large, but for myself this I have found to be true.   Creating distance so it will not be so unbearable later is exactly what I was doing. The vehicle I used to create the distance was angry bickering.  In 45 years, this was a new facet between us.  It took me a while to figure out the anger is really fear.  I still don't have it all worked out, but awareness has made a difference.



Lyn, you have been here 2-1/2 years, yet I recall none of your posts. Encouraged by your "reputation" rendered, I sought to know more. I found little. Could not send PM, surely know there must be more.......

You requisitioned down from anger to fear. Share more with us. Or, my  ID, shown below, feared by most, would appreciate comment. Don't "hang back". Perhaps, "working it out" could be a mutual,  shared effort.  

In any event, best wishes, and thank you for the kindness.    imp


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## hossthehermit (Nov 19, 2015)

tnthomas said:


> Gets worse by marriage #3.   By #4 you get honorary degree for marriage counseling....if you make it to a major anniversary milestone.



Gotta agree, sorta............. Next June will be 15 years for me an Mrs. Hoss #4. We have very different opinions on many subjects. I am totally confident that my views are correct, so I feel no need to bring them up, discuss them, rant on about them, and try to justify them. She, on the other hand, seems very unsure of hers, nattering on constantly about this and that, and expressing outrage at the state of the world, and explaining how it could be so much better if everyone would do things her way. As long as I grunt occasionally, she seems to think we agree and it becomes "OUR OPINION" .............. works for me


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## imp (Nov 19, 2015)

Bobw235 said:


> My wife and I have been married 38 years and we're in synch about most things.  Having been together since our freshman year in college, and then dating for four years, we had plenty of time to see if we were a fit.  We certainly have our differences, but usually compromise is the order of the day.  Sometimes I give in, other times it's my wife that gives ground.  The most constant area of disagreement tends to be on gifts, where I tend to be more frugal, she tends to be more generous, especially when it comes to family.  The other area of disagreement these days centers around my wanting to do more of the work around the house (lawn care, snow removal), where my wife is adamant that she doesn't want me doing that kind of work.  In view of my upcoming retirement, I'm going to broach the subject of the landscaper again to see if we can save some costs.  We'll see how it goes.  She's never given in on my getting a snowblower.



Your differences sound rather trivial in comparison to those constantly revolving around money, or the lack of it!   imp


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## nitelite (Jan 16, 2016)

Imp, Let it go..... Don't sweat the small stuff. Be happy you have someone in your life to disagree with. Beats talking to yourself. This time in your life is very precious so enjoy what you have.


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## fureverywhere (Jan 16, 2016)

Yeah you will not agree on everything...but close enough


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## QuickSilver (Jan 17, 2016)

Sometimes I think the longer people are together, the more comfortable they are with voicing opinions...knowing the relationship is stable and strong and a differing does not signal marital problems....  I think that's a good thing..


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