# Have gotten myself into a worrisome funk



## Marie5656 (Aug 25, 2019)

*I have always felt I have been doing well since Rick passed.   Have gotten used to being alone (sort of), being social, getting out when I feel the need.

But lately I have found I am starting to neglect things around the house.  Not having the motivation to want to keep it clean.  I mean, it is not turning into one of those hoarder houses. Just need to push myself to keep up with the day to day housekeeping.  I feel a bit guilty about it, and hope it is just a phase.
So this afternoon, I decided to get my butt in gear and start getting the house in good order.  I have been in the kitchen cutting down card board boxes for recycling, and organizing stuff there.   A friend told me to take it one room at a time.  So for today and tomorrow, it is the kitchen.
I have decided to try doing what parents do with kids...using the internet and television as a "reward" system.  Do so many hours of housework, and then spend time on computer or with TV.  It may sound lame, or juvenile, but I need to do something,

Any other recently widowed having this issue?  As a reminder (especially for new members) My husband, Rick, died in April, after being ill for several weeks.
So, if I am here sporaticly, this is why*


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## Aunt Bea (Aug 25, 2019)

I think that it is normal.

We spend most of our lives doing things for others instead of doing them for ourselves and when we are alone we lose our motivation.

Invite someone over for coffee, the motivation will return and the house will shine!


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## Marie5656 (Aug 25, 2019)

@Aunt Bea  Sounds great....so when can I expect you?  Wish you were just a tad closer.  LOL


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## Ronni (Aug 25, 2019)

Marie are you still going to the grief support group you told us about? 

The grief and loss surrounding the passing of a loved one can manifest in different ways and at different times. Though I haven’t lost a beloved spouse, I’ve been exposed through my Naranon group and the loss of loved ones resulting from drug use. The death of spouses, children, siblings etc are each and every one devastating, and my heart has broken countless times for the attendees who have recounted their ongoing struggles with the grief and loss. 

Be kind to yourself. I think you’re doing so well. I urge you to continue to attend a support group if you’re not already doing so. Folks who’ve been through this are the ones who can relate best of all and help you with strategies for what you’re currently experiencing.


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## Catlady (Aug 25, 2019)

No need to feel guilty about it, one of the pluses of being single is ''doing it my way".  A messy house is only bad if it's unhealthy or it makes you feel bad.  I let my house go sometimes and when the mess starts to bother me I clean it or get rid of it.  No one is there to dictate how to live my life and that's exactly how I want things to be.


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## Aunt Bea (Aug 25, 2019)

PVC said:


> No need to feel guilty about it, one of the pluses of being single is ''doing it my way".  A messy house is only bad if it's unhealthy or it makes you feel bad.  I let my house go sometimes and when the mess starts to bother me I clean it or get rid of it.  No one is there to dictate how to live my life and that's exactly how I want things to be.


*I agree!*


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## Catlady (Aug 25, 2019)

Aunt Bea said:


> *I agree!*



I have a plaque in my kitchen with that saying.  It was given to me by my sister who is so clean you could eat off her floor.  I wondered if she was giving me a dig, but I decided I liked the saying anyway.  It's exactly ME.


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## Aunt Bea (Aug 25, 2019)

PVC said:


> I have a plaque in my kitchen with that saying.  It was given to me by my sister who is so clean you could eat off her floor.  I wondered if she was giving me a dig, but I decided I liked the saying anyway.  It's exactly ME.


I have one too!

I also like this one.


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## Marie5656 (Aug 25, 2019)

@Ronni  yes I am still attending group. It helps. Facilitator said sometimes a second wave of grief comes 4-6 months after initial loss. I am at 4 months.  Just  have to keep plugging on
I think focusing on something helps me


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## tortiecat (Aug 25, 2019)

My motto "It'll get done" and sooner or later it does.


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## RadishRose (Aug 25, 2019)

@Marie5656 , you're doing everything you can for yourself. Your interest in your house will return in time.  I'm glad you shared this with us.


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## OneEyedDiva (Aug 25, 2019)

I think under the circumstances what you are experiencing is normal Marie. While having to motivate yourself to do housework is fine (because you wouldn't want to have so much to do later on), don't feel guilty about it.  My husband passed in December, so I know how it is.


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## Marie5656 (Aug 25, 2019)




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## Patio Life (Aug 25, 2019)

Aunt Bea said:


> *I agree!*


A friend once said "My floor is clean enough to eat off of - and get full too."


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## jujube (Aug 25, 2019)

Marie, when my husband died, I went through all sorts of strange stages.  For a while, I was afraid of going up and down stairs and standing on a stepstool.  Then I had trouble shopping.  Then.....well, you know what I'm talking about.

What I'm saying is that when something like this happens, your psyche has received a terrible blow and it's normal for your behavior and way of looking at things to get awry for a period of time.  Be easy on yourself, be good to yourself, give yourself some excuses.  Things WILL get better. Time heals. It leaves scars behind, but it heals.


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## Ruthanne (Aug 25, 2019)

Marie5656 said:


> *I have always felt I have been doing well since Rick passed.   Have gotten used to being alone (sort of), being social, getting out when I feel the need.
> 
> But lately I have found I am starting to neglect things around the house.  Not having the motivation to want to keep it clean.  I mean, it is not turning into one of those hoarder houses. Just need to push myself to keep up with the day to day housekeeping.  I feel a bit guilty about it, and hope it is just a phase.
> So this afternoon, I decided to get my butt in gear and start getting the house in good order.  I have been in the kitchen cutting down card board boxes for recycling, and organizing stuff there.   A friend told me to take it one room at a time.  So for today and tomorrow, it is the kitchen.
> ...


Not recently widowed but still relate.  It's a chore to keep up the housework.  I need to clean out the kitchen cupboards.  I want my kitchen to smell fresh again!


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## Manatee (Aug 28, 2019)

Take a room at a time.  Put things into 3 piles/boxes, keep, discard and donate.  When you have done all the rooms, start over and do it again, anything that hasn't been used for over a year goes.


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## Marie5656 (Aug 28, 2019)

Manatee said:


> Take a room at a time.  Put things into 3 piles/boxes, keep, discard and donate.  When you have done all the rooms, start over and do it again, anything that hasn't been used for over a year goes.



Well, since I started this thread, I am pretty much doing that.  I have been tackling the kitchen and front hallway, as they are connected. I have my laundry area in front walk way too.  I am pretty close to done. Have 2 bins of recycling to go out on next trash day.  Plus stuff set a side as to go.  A friend is coming out this weekend to help me take the donation stuff out.  A couple things he knows I am donating he asked if he could have. I said yes...so long as he takes them that day.


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## Harp Angel (Aug 28, 2019)

Marie5656 said:


> Well, since I started this thread, I am pretty much doing that.  I have been tackling the kitchen and front hallway, as they are connected. I have my laundry area in front walk way too.  I am pretty close to done. Have 2 bins of recycling to go out on next trash day.  Plus stuff set a side as to go.  A friend is coming out this weekend to help me take the donation stuff out.  A couple things he knows I am donating he asked if he could have. I said yes...so long as he takes them that day.


I bet it feels real good to release yourself from all the unnecessary material things. I felt so much better getting rid of stuff that accumulated over the years. It was a lot of work but the donation places benefitted from my cleaning house!  I just did a little at a time as I felt like it.  Another thing I did was start volunteering in my local community.  It helped me to stop feeling sorry for myself and starting thinking of others. It does help put things in perspective and I have made some wonderful new friends along the way.


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## Gary O' (Aug 28, 2019)

Marie5656 said:


> It may sound lame, or juvenile, but I need to do something


Lady, I simply think you rock!
Yer as solid as you can be, or need to be
Nobody can ask for more


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## Marie5656 (Aug 28, 2019)

Gary O' said:


> Lady, I simply think you rock!
> Yer as solid as you can be, or need to be
> Nobody can ask for more



Thanks.  This is why this place has been my rock.


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## Butterfly (Aug 29, 2019)

tortiecat said:


> My motto "It'll get done" and sooner or later it does.




And sometimes, it doesn't.  But in the grand scheme of things, most of that matters not at all.


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## Denise1952 (Aug 30, 2019)

Marie5656 said:


> *I have always felt I have been doing well since Rick passed.   Have gotten used to being alone (sort of), being social, getting out when I feel the need.
> 
> But lately I have found I am starting to neglect things around the house.  Not having the motivation to want to keep it clean.  I mean, it is not turning into one of those hoarder houses. Just need to push myself to keep up with the day to day housekeeping.  I feel a bit guilty about it, and hope it is just a phase.
> So this afternoon, I decided to get my butt in gear and start getting the house in good order.  I have been in the kitchen cutting down card board boxes for recycling, and organizing stuff there.   A friend told me to take it one room at a time.  So for today and tomorrow, it is the kitchen.
> ...


Hi Marie,  I wanted to tell you I am sorry for the loss of your husband.  I can't imagine what that would be like.  I am glad you are here on the forum still, since returning it is really good to see some of the old gang. 

One reason I've come back around is lonliness, and isolating too much.  Some of that isn't by choice, just not close to family geographically, or in any other way either.  I have been in my place for 4 years now and I used to be a lot more energetic about house-keeping, and still do ok, like you, not turned into a total slob.  Just a lack of interest that I used to have.

I hope mine is a phase too.  I did decorate the whole place finally, and so far, only think about some additions, or changes.  It's pretty small (1 bedroom apt.).  I know I catch myself saying "well no one is coming here anyway" but then I'm learning too that doing it for me is good.  I still don't have that gumption to just keep busy doing something besides sitting in my recliner watching the tube, or playing online.

I think for me, having a little, very part-time responsibility as a sort of teacher's aid will help me feel like I am contributing to society again.  I just think it's hard to live alone.  But hey, I wasn't good at living with the men that came into my life either.  Oh well, as they say, and I  get sick of hearing, but guess it's true, "it is what it is".  Geesh, who came up with that no-brainer,


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## chic (Aug 30, 2019)

PVC said:


> No need to feel guilty about it, one of the pluses of being single is ''doing it my way".  A messy house is only bad if it's unhealthy or it makes you feel bad.  I let my house go sometimes and when the mess starts to bother me I clean it or get rid of it.  No one is there to dictate how to live my life and that's exactly how I want things to be.



Ditto. The only good thing I can say about flying solo is taking it easier regarding household chores.


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## AZ Jim (Aug 30, 2019)

My dear wife passed Jan 30 this year.  I think about her every day and after prayers I talk to her at night.  I am keeping the house clean and doing what needs to be done.  I am very limited in that both my knees are completely shot so I use my rollator full time.  You don't easily cope when after 48 years of being married to your best friend you have to hold her hand and watch life leave her.  The last words my honey said was in response to my I love you, she was slipping into a coma from which she never awakened but in her little weak voice she said "I love you too, Jim".  She never uttered another word.  I'll never  again be whole.


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## Marie5656 (Aug 30, 2019)

*@AZ Jim I feel much the same way. I am needing to use my cane more while inside the house.  How is you cooking coming along?

@Denise1952 again, glad you are back.  I am getting used to my new normal. It has only been 4 months for me.  I know things will get done, in its own time.  Like you, I may look into part time volunteer work. I plan to take some classes as well.  The just for fun type...book groups, cinema, etc.*


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## Meanderer (Aug 30, 2019)

Hi Marie,  I too am sorry to hear of your loss.  Your being a part of this forum gives a lift to all of us, and I hope it does the same for you as well!  I still get my share of "Honey do" lists and am thankful that we are still together, as a team.  We have learned to "modify" a bit on the daily routines, as we have gotten older.

It must be difficult to become a team of one, with no one to delegate to.  You come across as a strong person,  determined to adjust as you pass through your time of loss and grieving.  I hope you have a true friend or two, who you can lean on, and family that you can keep in touch with.

Always find time to be kind to yourself.


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## AZ Jim (Aug 30, 2019)

Marie I am keeping myself alive with frozen foods mostly. I am just am not ambitous enough to try and cook for just me.


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## RadishRose (Aug 30, 2019)

AZ Jim said:


> Marie I am keeping myself alive with frozen foods mostly. I am just am not ambitous enough to try and cook for just me.


That's not very healthy, Jim. But, if you can't get motivated, at least you won't starve. sometimes it's not easy to cook for just one, unless you plan when you'll eat what you freeze. 

You can get simple meals, salads, nice soups and frozen veg at the supermarket. They also deliver.

Check into Meals On Wheels, maybe. Good luck.


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## Meanderer (Aug 30, 2019)

@AZ Jim   Over the last several years, we have adjusted to cooking for two.  We eat smaller portions, and have fewer leftovers.  Our youngest daughter jokes that we would split a cracker.  Two of *My* favorites are Dinty Moore Beef Stew, with an added 8 oz can of green beans..... and Corned beef hash, topped with two fried eggs.  My Wife humors me and _enjoys_ them as well. Quick & EZ!


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## Meanderer (Aug 30, 2019)

As I have gotten older, I've found it easier to lose my momentum, and get bogged down at times.  "Momentum requires Movement" goes the old saying, so the trick is to keep moving.  Also "A job begun, is half done" is another good one.


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## Aunt Bea (Aug 31, 2019)

Meanderer said:


> @AZ Jim   Over the last several years, we have adjusted to cooking for two.  We eat smaller portions, and have fewer leftovers.  Our youngest daughter jokes that we would split a cracker.  Two of *My* favorites are Dinty Moore Beef Stew, with an added 8 oz can of green beans..... and Corned beef hash, topped with two fried eggs.  My Wife humors me and _enjoys_ them as well. Quick & EZ!


Another item for the emergency shelf!


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## AprilSun (Aug 31, 2019)

I don't clean as often as I once did and the reason is, it doesn't get dirty as fast with just one person living here. I don't like to clean and not be able to see a difference especially dusting! When I clean, I want to be able to see that I've done something!


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## grannyjo (Aug 31, 2019)

I'm slowly getting my house into good order.  By that I mean getting rid of heaps of stuff that I'd been keeping for "just in case I need it one day".  Some of it I haven't needed for anything up to 20 years.

I have two of my friends coming to help me with the garage next week.  I have so much stored in there that he's bringing his ute to take away all the excess junk I no longer need.

I have found that if I have had extra storage space, I tended to keep more and more.  Now I'm relishing some empty cupboards and drawers.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Sep 2, 2019)

Marie, is that worrisome funk getting less worrisome?


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## Marie5656 (Sep 4, 2019)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> Marie, is that worrisome funk getting less worrisome?



*Yes, I think so. I am getting more motivated to do things around the house. I am going to my therapist today, and am going to bring it up to her. But I am sure it was just a passing phase.
I have packed up some things and am taking them to donation tomorrow.  And am having less of a feeling sorry for myself mood.*


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## Harp Angel (Sep 4, 2019)

Good for you Marie5656. Small steps will lead to big changes.  Keep looking forward!


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## RadishRose (Sep 4, 2019)

Marie5656 said:


> *Yes, I think so. I am getting more motivated to do things around the house. I am going to my therapist today, and am going to bring it up to her. But I am sure it was just a passing phase.
> I have packed up some things and am taking them to donation tomorrow.  And am having less of a feeling sorry for myself mood.*


I'm glad to hear this Marie!


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## AnnieA (Sep 4, 2019)

Great to hear!     Your OP didn't read like you were feeling sorry for yourself!

 (Edited to say I just saw the time frame of your loss in the post below.   )


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## Floridatennisplayer (Sep 4, 2019)

It’s only been since April. So soon. I can tell you are a special sweet lady. Rick would not want you to stress over anything I am sure.  Relax. Nothing.....seriously, nothing is important. Do things at your own pace. Let things go for a while and don’t feel guilty about it.  It doesn’t matter!  Just post here like the rest of us and enjoy your internet friends and family.


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## Serenity4321 (Sep 26, 2022)

Marie5656 said:


> *I have always felt I have been doing well since Rick passed.   Have gotten used to being alone (sort of), being social, getting out when I feel the need.
> 
> But lately I have found I am starting to neglect things around the house.  Not having the motivation to want to keep it clean.  I mean, it is not turning into one of those hoarder houses. Just need to push myself to keep up with the day to day housekeeping.  I feel a bit guilty about it, and hope it is just a phase.
> So this afternoon, I decided to get my butt in gear and start getting the house in good order.  I have been in the kitchen cutting down card board boxes for recycling, and organizing stuff there.   A friend told me to take it one room at a time.  So for today and tomorrow, it is the kitchen.
> ...


I am sorry to hear you are going through some rough periods. I hope you can just be kind to yourself and if the house is not perfect, so what? Let it go and if and/or when it really starts to bother you then do what you feel has to be done. We all put too much stress on ourselves. It is not selfish to take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. Be your own best friend...you have earned it. I bet Rick would agree with me.


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## Jules (Sep 26, 2022)

@Marie5656   Even though it’s three years since you started this thread talking about being in a funk, it’s the same word I was thinking recently that describes how I’m sometimes feeling.  Nothing desperate, just a need to feel something positive to look forward to.


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## Marie5656 (Sep 27, 2022)

Jules said:


> @Marie5656   Even though it’s three years since you started this thread talking about being in a funk, it’s the same word I was thinking recently that describes how I’m sometimes feeling.  Nothing desperate, just a need to feel something positive to look forward to.


Doing a lot better now...it does take time,


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## SeaBreeze (Sep 27, 2022)

Marie5656 said:


> Doing a lot better now...it does take time,


Happy to hear you're doing better Marie, I was really concerned before I realized this was an older thread.  You're a good person, sending you love and hugs today, my friend.


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## Manatee (Sep 27, 2022)

AZ Jim said:


> My dear wife passed Jan 30 this year.  I think about her every day and after prayers I talk to her at night.  I am keeping the house clean and doing what needs to be done.  I am very limited in that both my knees are completely shot so I use my rollator full time.  You don't easily cope when after 48 years of being married to your best friend you have to hold her hand and watch life leave her.  The last words my honey said was in response to my I love you, she was slipping into a coma from which she never awakened but in her little weak voice she said "I love you too, Jim".  She never uttered another word.  I'll never  again be whole.


I had both my knees replaced when we lived in Sun City West, they have been working well for 16 and 18 years.  I am now 88.


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## s76l42 (Oct 3, 2022)

Marie5656 said:


> *I have always felt I have been doing well since Rick passed.   Have gotten used to being alone (sort of), being social, getting out when I feel the need.
> 
> But lately I have found I am starting to neglect things around the house.  Not having the motivation to want to keep it clean.  I mean, it is not turning into one of those hoarder houses. Just need to push myself to keep up with the day to day housekeeping.  I feel a bit guilty about it, and hope it is just a phase.
> So this afternoon, I decided to get my butt in gear and start getting the house in good order.  I have been in the kitchen cutting down card board boxes for recycling, and organizing stuff there.   A friend told me to take it one room at a time.  So for today and tomorrow, it is the kitchen.
> ...


Everyone grieves differently. His passing is new and there are stages of grief. One day you may feel like you are getting better, moving on and then the next you are overcome with sadness again. Do what you feel like dong and be kind to yourself. I think taking one room at a time is a great idea. Sometimes completing a task gives you a sense of relief and makes taking on the next day's task a little easier. When you realize you don't have to get it all done in one day it takes the pressure off. Set a schedule that works for you and just do it.


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## hollydolly (Oct 3, 2022)

s76l42 said:


> Everyone grieves differently. His passing is new and there are stages of grief. One day you may feel like you are getting better, moving on and then the next you are overcome with sadness again. Do what you feel like dong and be kind to yourself. I think taking one room at a time is a great idea. Sometimes completing a task gives you a sense of relief and makes taking on the next day's task a little easier. When you realize you don't have to get it all done in one day it takes the pressure off. Set a schedule that works for you and just do it.


this thread is 3 years old... so altho' we feel for marie.. it was  not as recent as you might be thinking


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## MickaC (Oct 3, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> this thread is 3 years old... so altho' we feel for marie.. it was  not as recent as you might be thinking


What difference does it make if a thread a member responded to is older.
Members read recently, and wanted to respond.


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## s76l42 (Oct 4, 2022)

MickaC said:


> What difference does it make if a thread a member responded to is older.
> Members read recently, and wanted to respond.


Thank you MickaC, I was not paying attention to the original date of the post. Just scrolling through and this one was near the top because someone had recently posted. Felt for Marie and responded.


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## MickaC (Oct 4, 2022)

s76l42 said:


> Thank you MickaC, I was not paying attention to the original date of the post. Just scrolling through and this one was near the top because someone had recently posted. Felt for Marie and responded.


No need to thank me…….just because the thread was started some time ago……doesn’t mean it lost it’s value.
I’m sure Marie appreciates your response, and thoughts.


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