# Flowers from my son that went in the garbage :(



## Colleen (May 12, 2018)

A few months back I posted about my son, who never calls and I haven't seen him in 4 years, sent an email at Christmas that he and his live-in girlfriend of 10 years are engaged. I asked him to keep me informed even though we're not going to the wedding (second marriage for him). We haven't heard from him since Christmas. Then, yesterday, I received a delivery of flowers and a "we love and miss you" electronically generated at the florist card enclosed. I immediately threw the whole thing in our garbage can outside and I don't intend on acknowledging that I got them. 

This behavior of his has been the same for over 20 years (he's 44) and I'm done with feeling badly over it. Happy Mother's Day to me.....ha


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## AZ Jim (May 12, 2018)

Two wrongs do not make a right!


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## Aunt Bea (May 12, 2018)

I agree with Jim.

It seems like your son is making an effort and IMO you should be willing to meet him part way.

Best wishes to both of you.


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## applecruncher (May 12, 2018)

Sorry the flowers didn't cheer you, Colleen.  (I'm not judging or blaming you.) Don't know what else to say.


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## Keesha (May 12, 2018)

Wow! Couldn’t you perhaps compromise? 
Clearly he is making an effort. Even stated he loves and misses you. 
So you are going to hold a grudge until...... (?)

This can’t be good for either of you .


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## helenbacque (May 12, 2018)

Aunt Bea said:


> I agree with Jim.
> 
> It seems like your son is making an effort and IMO you should be willing to meet him part way.
> 
> Best wishes to both of you.



And I also agree. If doing that made you feel better, I think your situation is very sad indeed.  Perhaps the gesture was from his wife/fiancee who is trying to bring the family together.  Can that be a bad thing?


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## Falcon (May 12, 2018)

My wish to you;  Happy Mothers Day.    Don't blame you ONE  BIT  for trashing the  (innocent)  flowers.

  There are many jerks in the world and even in some families.

Time to get on with your life and hope it is a happy one.


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## Jackie22 (May 12, 2018)

The flowers would seem to be a step in the right direction on your son's part.


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## AZ Jim (May 12, 2018)

Falcon said:


> My wish to you;  Happy Mothers Day.    Don't blame you ONE  BIT  for trashing the  (innocent)  flowers.
> 
> There are many jerks in the world and even in some families.
> 
> Time to get on with your life and hope it is a happy one.


I love ya John, you are a genuine hero but a grouch as well. *LOL*


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## ClassicRockr (May 12, 2018)

I don't correspond with my daughter, who will be 42 in June and has a son, who is our grandson. We both chose it this way and my wife totally understands. 

It was her choice to toss the flowers, for whatever reason/reasons she has. Basically speaking, none of us know the 100% story behind the OP's son and her. One thing that we should all remember.........no matter what, not all families get along.


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## AZ Jim (May 12, 2018)

ClassicRockr said:


> I don't correspond with my daughter, who will be 42 in June and has a son, who is our grandson. We both chose it this way and my wife totally understands.
> 
> It was her choice to toss the flowers, for whatever reason/reasons she has. Basically speaking, none of us know the 100% story behind the OP's son and her. One thing that we should all remember.........no matter what, not all families get along.


Welcome back again CR!!


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## C'est Moi (May 12, 2018)

helenbacque said:


> And I also agree. If doing that made you feel better, I think your situation is very sad indeed.  Perhaps the gesture was from his wife/fiancee who is trying to bring the family together.  Can that be a bad thing?



I agree as well.


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## Colleen (May 12, 2018)

I can tell you that this was NOT an olive branch situation. In the past 20 years, the only time he's had time for me is when he wanted something. He did the same thing to my mother (his grandmother). When he needed a new washer and dryer, he wrote to my mother and boo-hooed about not being able to afford them (even though he's got a good paying job). My mother sent him the money. She passed away in 2006 and he never even went to her funeral.

I hate to say it about my own son, but he's selfish to the max. He didn't even help me when his dad was injured in 2012 and I took care of him at home for many months. I had to take him to doctor's appointments in another town and get him in and out of a wheelchair and put the chair in and out of the car by myself (do you know how heavy they are???) and we had a huge yard that needed mowed and do you know how much our son helped?? Never. Didn't even call to see if we needed anything. His dad had 4 surgeries within a 10 week period and he never showed up once or called. But when we moved across the country 4 years ago, he was right there with his hand out and I gave him a lot of things that were his grandmother's plus he got a ton of household things. His girlfriend's mother was right there also and she took a ton of stuff, too. Do you think any of them thanked us?? I've kicked myself for giving them anything.

That's just some of the reasons that have built up in the last 20+ years that made me just dump the flowers in the garbage.


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## AZ Jim (May 12, 2018)

Colleen said:


> I can tell you that this was NOT an olive branch situation. In the past 20 years, the only time he's had time for me is when he wanted something. He did the same thing to my mother. When he needed a new washer and dryer, he wrote to my mother as boo-hooed about not being able to afford them (even though he's got a good paying job). My mother sent him the money. She passed away and he never even went to her funeral.
> 
> I hate to say it about my own son, but he's selfish to the max. He didn't even help me when his dad was injured in 2012 and I took care of him at home for many months. I had to take him to doctor's appointments in another town and get him in and out of a wheelchair and put the chair in and out of the car by myself (do you know how heavy they are???) and we had a huge yard that needed mowed and do you know how much our son helped?? Never. Didn't even call to see if we needed anything. His dad had 4 surgeries within a 10 week period and he never showed up once or called. But when we moved across the country 4 years ago, he was right there with his hand out and I gave him a lot of things that were his grandmother's plus he got a ton of household things. His girlfriend's mother was right there also and she took a ton of stuff, too. Do you think any of them thanked us?? I've kicked myself for giving them anything.
> 
> That's just some of the reasons that have built up in the last 20+ years that made me just dump the flowers in the garbage.


I hope you find peace in your heart, you have paid your dues!


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## Falcon (May 12, 2018)

Damn good reasons  Colleen.  Like your way of handling  things.


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## hollydolly (May 12, 2018)

Colleen, I'm so sorry you are going through this with your son, it's heartbreaking to have a child be so selfish as to treat their parents so cavalierly . So many parents endure the bad behaviour of their adult children for fear they get cut off completely from the tenuous attachment to their   lives , but unfortunately  your son from your description sounds toxic to your life, and therefore there comes a time when you as  a parent /s for your own health and mental well-being have to sever the umbilical cord for the final time.

I feel for you, I really do...


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## AZ Jim (May 12, 2018)

If there is no other resolution to this relationship with you son I wish you peace in your decisions.


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## Shalimar (May 12, 2018)

Sometimes the people we have loved the most deserve it the least. Family is no guarantee of fair and honest treatment. Twenty years of bad behaviour speaks to character, his,  not yours. However painful it must be, it is better to face the truth and remove yourself from his toxicity, rather than attempt to have a relationship with someone who disturbs your peace and is motivated by self interest. (Colleen, I work with some offspring who would give anything to have a mother like you!)


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## terry123 (May 12, 2018)

Falcon said:


> Damn good reasons  Colleen.  Like your way of handling  things.


  I agree, Falcon!


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## LoneRogue (May 12, 2018)

I know family strife too and have no criticism of your action and thoughts on this family situation. No one can really know as an outsider enough to say right or wrong. I've stopped trying in my situation and apparently you have also. Good luck.


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## jujube (May 12, 2018)

One of my sisters who is childless said "Well, at least the rest of you have kids who will take care of you in your old age."

The rest of us just looked at each other and had a good laugh.


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## Colleen (May 12, 2018)

Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate having a place I can "unload" on every once in a while. It helps. 

I wasn't feeling bad when I got the flowers...I was mad because I knew it was a false gesture.

We've gotten to the place that we've just let it go. It's taken a long time to "cut the cord" but for our own mental health, we needed to step away.


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## jujube (May 12, 2018)

Colleen, I would have kept and enjoyed the flowers but just tell myself that some stranger left them on your doorstep....LOL.


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## Keesha (May 12, 2018)

Shalimar said:


> Sometimes the people we have loved the most deserve it the least. Family is no guarantee of fair and honest treatment.



Unfortunately this is so very true but toxic is toxic.


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## SeaBreeze (May 12, 2018)

I can understand what you did Colleen, the flowers didn't make you happy because they was no sincerity behind them.  I would have done the same.  I feel for you because throwing them away didn't feel good either, sad situation, my heart goes out to you.  You do sound realistic and reasonable, and seem to be a strong woman, so that definitely helps to cope.


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## Shalimar (May 12, 2018)

Keesha said:


> Unfortunately this is so very true but toxic is toxic.


A saying among therapisseds is, “love doesn’t hurt.”


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## Butterfly (May 13, 2018)

Colleen said:


> Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate having a place I can "unload" on every once in a while. It helps.
> 
> I wasn't feeling bad when I got the flowers...I was mad because I knew it was a false gesture.
> 
> We've gotten to the place that we've just let it go. It's taken a long time to "cut the cord" but for our own mental health, we needed to step away.



Colleen, I feel for you.  You're the only one who knows what's best for your heart.  I would have  probably thrown the flowers away, too.  We have a person in our family who is the same way, and whenever we hear from him we always say "wonder what he wants now."  He's proven many times over the years that the only time he is nice, or even remembers we are alive, is when he wants something -- usually money.  A few years ago, my sis allowed him to stay with her for a while so he could "get back on his feet," and he repaid her by stealing from her.

There are some people  you just don't need in your life, family or not.


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## Falcon (May 13, 2018)

family or not.     How true  Butterfly.


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## Mrs. Robinson (May 13, 2018)

Shalimar said:


> A saying among therapisseds is, “love doesn’t hurt.”



Bingo!


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## terry123 (May 13, 2018)

Falcon said:


> family or not.     How true  Butterfly.


It is true, butterfly!


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## Happyflowerlady (May 13, 2018)

I think that each person has to do what is right for them, and that might be a very different way than someone else would react to the same event or person. 
I have been thinking about this thread, and while I can relate to the way you are feeling; I just look at things differently than this. 
For me, I would have kept the flowers, even if  they were not given sincerely, but just because I will always love my three children, regardless of what they do , or how they behaved towards me. 
My love for them is not dependent on their behavior, it is not conditional . They are my children and I love them, no matter what, and even if they didn’t love me; I would still love them. 
So, if one sent me flowers, I would keep them, regardless.


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## twinkles (May 13, 2018)

i agree with happyflowerlady----they were from my child and i love them no matter what they have done--it might have been his way of trying to make up for the times she didnt hear from him--i have a daughter who lives aside of me that hasnt spoken to me in 2 years but i send her a birthday card i also wished her a happy mothers day on facebook


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## Shalimar (May 13, 2018)

I believe in unconditional love, but I refuse to enable abusive behaviour, particularly from family members. Codependency is a slippery slope.


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## Happyflowerlady (May 13, 2018)

Shalimar said:


> I believe in unconditional love, but I refuse to enable abusive behaviour, particularly from family members. Codependency is a slippery slope.



I agree with what you are saying, Shali. Sometimes , not coming to the rescue is a necessary thing, both when our kids are little and when they are adults. 
Not enabling abusive behavior is actually a way of showing your love; but loving someone and enabling them are two totally different things. 
I have a son who learned from his father to be a “victim”, and he always wanted to do as he pleased, but be rescued when it didn’t turn out the way he planned. 
 I don’t rescue him from his choices in life; but I still love him dearly, and always will.

This is only a part of who he is, and there are parts of his makeup that are beautiful.   He has a loving and caring heart, which I always call his “marshmallow heart”, and that part of him is precious to me. 
None of us are perfect, we all have good and bad traits in our personality, and we all have the capacity to change if we want to bad enough; so we should never give up on someone, even though we do not support some of their irresponsible behavior.


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## Shalimar (May 13, 2018)

Happyflowerlady said:


> I agree with what you are saying, Shali. Sometimes , not coming to the rescue is a necessary thing, both when our kids are little and when they are adults.
> Not enabling abusive behavior is actually a way of showing your love; but loving someone and enabling them are two totally different things.
> I have a son who learned from his father to be a “victim”, and he always wanted to do as he pleased, but be rescued when it didn’t turn out the way he planned.
> I don’t rescue him from his choices in life; but I still love him dearly, and always will.
> ...


You are a wise woman.


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## AprilSun (May 13, 2018)

Colleen, I would have thrown them away too. It doesn't mean a thing when you know they don't mean it. Too many times, my daughters have shown me they don't do for me because they want to and they don't mean the things they have done. They just do what little they do, because they feel "they have too" or are obligated but don't mind showing they don't mean it.


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## Ruthanne (May 13, 2018)

Happyflowerlady said:


> I think that each person has to do what is right for them, and that might be a very different way than someone else would react to the same event or person.
> I have been thinking about this thread, and while I can relate to the way you are feeling; I just look at things differently than this.
> For me, I would have kept the flowers, even if  they were not given sincerely, but just because I will always love my three children, regardless of what they do , or how they behaved towards me.
> My love for them is not dependent on their behavior, it is not conditional . They are my children and I love them, no matter what, and even if they didn’t love me; I would still love them.
> So, if one sent me flowers, I would keep them, regardless.


I agree.


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## C'est Moi (May 13, 2018)

Happyflowerlady said:


> I think that each person has to do what is right for them, and that might be a very different way than someone else would react to the same event or person.
> I have been thinking about this thread, and while I can relate to the way you are feeling; I just look at things differently than this.
> *For me, I would have kept the flowers, even if  they were not given sincerely, but just because I will always love my three children, regardless of what they do , or how they behaved towards me.
> My love for them is not dependent on their behavior, it is not conditional . They are my children and I love them, no matter what, and even if they didn’t love me; I would still love them. *
> So, if one sent me flowers, I would keep them, regardless.



^^  This.


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## Linda (May 14, 2018)

Everyone has to think for themselves and do what feels right to them.  Myself, I would have kept the flowers and put them in a place of honor to remind me of something good about my son, even if I had to think back 40 years,  Accepting flowers doesn't mean you would have to give him anything, ever.


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## Buckeye (May 14, 2018)

I was just setting here thinking about a lady friend of mine who has had an on-again, off-again relationship with her son, and how, even after all these years, she was hurt because he didn't acknowledge her at all on Mother's Day.  A card, a phone call, flowers, even a text message or a FB post would have meant tons to her.


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