# Son's second marriage...what should I do?



## Colleen (Dec 26, 2017)

My son (from a previous marriage) told me yesterday that he is engaged to his long-standing girlfriend of 10 years. He is 43 and had been married about 20 years ago and has been divorced for 11 years. He lives across the country from us but he's never kept in touch too much from the time he was 23. I get a text occasionally but he never calls. We've had some ups and down over the last 10 years because his girlfriends mother likes to control everyone but that didn't work out too well with us, so we've kept our distance for the most part. It's caused a strain on my relationship with my son but he lives close to them and his girlfriend is tied to her mother's apron strings. I know they will never come from PA to see us in AZ because she won't fly and she doesn't like to get that far away from her mother. Her family has pretty much become his life, too. A few years ago we moved from TX to PA to be closer to him but we were about 30 miles away and he never came to see us. We were always alone for holidays, too. They always went to her mother's house. It was very hurtful to me to realize he just didn't seem to care. Then my husband had a bad accident and was struggling for many months to heal. My son never called once nor offered to come cut the grass or help me take my husband to the doctor's, which I had to drive 35 miles one way twice a week for quite a while.

Almost 4 years ago, after my husband got better and we struggled with winter, we decided to move to AZ for our health. I have a herniated disc and arthritis in my hips and back so sitting and standing for any length of time is very painful for me. I should mention that my husband is 77 and I'm 71.

Now, there's going to be a wedding in PA in the near future and I'm not sure what I should do. I don't know if I should also mention that my son only has had contact with me (or my mother when she was alive) when he wants something like money or expects presents/money. He and his girlfriend have good jobs so it's not like they're destitute. 

It's terrible of me to say, but I don't want to go to this wedding. Not only because of the reasons I've mentioned but we're living on a fixed income and don't have a lot of extra money to spare for plane tickets, hotels, rental car, clothes, gifts, etc. 

Am I a bad mother for feeling this way? What would you do?


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## hollydolly (Dec 26, 2017)

I simply wouldn't go...given that he's never made an effort to visit you, not even when his step-father was ill to be of help to his own mother , despite the fact that you went to the upheaval and expense of moving home to be near him to try and have some kind of relationship with him , and he still treated you with contempt... I'm afraid, I would have to call it a day, and decide I can do no more, and just simply state that you'd like to go, that the trip would be too expensive for you, and too hard at your age etc..and just send a gift you can afford. ... As you suspect, he's probably only invited you in the hope of wedding gifts rather than have the pleasure of  the presence of his mother at the wedding..and I also believe from what you're saying that, if you did decide to go and therefore  spend money you can ill afford, you would find yourselves totally sidelined at the wedding by his in-laws...so save yourself further heartache and just make your excuses...!!


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## Falcon (Dec 26, 2017)

DON'T  GO !   Ignore the whole thing.  They'll have other guests.

Have a good life with your husband.  Good luck and good health to you and Hubby.


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## Kadee (Dec 26, 2017)

Hi Coleen 
Your story sounds just like husbands son and DIL .
He was about 8 when I met my husband 31 years ago and I always got on well with him ,up until he met the woman he married about 6 years ago ,she is tied to her mothers apron strings and refused to travel to see any of hubs family 600 km away 
When it came to them getting married we were ordererd that they wanted ..... or should I say SHE WANTED. $2.000 from us from a wedding gift mg1: we didn’t have that sort of money ....

We was then instructed to bring our caravan to stay in rather than the one and only motel in the little town where her parents live , as she wanted the motel rooms reserved for her guests 

Our car we use to tow the caravan is very heavy on fuel  ( it rarely gets used beacuse it’s so heavy on fuel ) 
and with the prices of petrol at the time it would have cost us around $600...$700 in petrol to,go to,the wedding ( and Home ) 
I didn’t want to attend anyway ,as I was going to be seated on a seperate table to my husband of 25 years at the time,while hubs was going to be seated next to his ex 

So we decided not to go ,for one we would have had to borrow the money ,which we had no intentions of doing ,and neither of us liked the woman he was marrying .oh by the way we live on a government pension and they both have good paying  jobs


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## Don M. (Dec 26, 2017)

Colleen said:


> Am I a bad mother for feeling this way? What would you do?



Based upon your original post, I would buy a nice Wedding card, and send it to him/them...and Nothing else.  If he has decided to ignore you, return the favor.


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## OneEyedDiva (Dec 26, 2017)

I wouldn't go! He has made no effort to be anything to you or do anything for you in your time of need. I don't like it when children contact parents or grandparents only when they want something. I've stopped giving them what they ask for. You have every right to feel as you do, including not wanting to go. How would you be treated when you got there...overlooked again after making such a long trip? Their loss!


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## Colleen (Dec 26, 2017)

Thank you for your reply. It's hard to be like this but you're absolutely right. His first marriage was exactly like you said...we were ignored completely as he was so involved with his new family and friends. Sadly, we knew it wasn't going to last from the minute we met her but there was no talking to him....so....

I needed some kind of outside validation. My husband has never liked the way my son's treated me but he's kept his mouth shut for my sake. He's a good guy. The thing is...his kids have always been there for us. They came from CA to help us move from PA to AZ 4 years ago and they even relocated from CA to here to be closer to their dad.


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## Colleen (Dec 26, 2017)

Thanks...you're right. The first wedding was a total letdown for us because we were ignored like we weren't even there. Not going to do that again.


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## applecruncher (Dec 26, 2017)

No, you are not a bad mother.  You have the right to your feelings - they are what they are.

I don't think you should go to the wedding.  The relationship is not consistent, you and DH have your own issues/struggles, and you say you can't afford to go. Send them a card - period.


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## Pappy (Dec 26, 2017)

I would sent your husbands kids a thank you note and ignore your son..like he does to you.


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## terry123 (Dec 26, 2017)

I would send a nice card and that's it! Don't put yourself put there for more hurt.  You are not a bad mother.


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## Colleen (Dec 26, 2017)

Thanks for the comments. I feel so much better. I have been called a terrible mother by his girlfriend's mother because I missed sending a birthday card to her daughter. This was a few years ago when my husband was having surgery for his accident. I had a lot on my plate at the time and her birthday slipped my mind. That's when I stopped communicating with her mother. 

My husband doesn't say too much but he doesn't like the way my son treats me and only comes around when he wants something. Maybe I'll leave everything to someone else when I'm gone.


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## SeaBreeze (Dec 26, 2017)

I agree with the others here Colleen, you're not a bad mother at all, and you shouldn't do any more than send a card.  It would be foolish to do any more, IMO.


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## Marie5656 (Dec 26, 2017)

*I have always felt that while blood makes us family, that does not obligate us to give back what  has not been given to us.  *


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## Smiling Jane (Dec 26, 2017)

I vote for send a card. It's more than they deserve.


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## Kadee (Dec 26, 2017)

Colleen you sound like a very caring mother ,I’m like your hubby I kept my mouth shut at all times when it came to anything to do with hubbies kids ( he has two ) 44 and 40 ..

By the way a very warm welcome all the way from a very hot. South Australia :wave::wave:


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## Colleen (Dec 26, 2017)

I don't want to be mean-spirited about this wedding, and I'm glad he's happy, but I also don't want to be used. I'm going to talk it over with my husband and see what his feelings are. I can honestly say he won't be in favor of us going, but he will leave the final decision up to me. 

I know what my decision will be. 

Thanks so much for confirming what I already felt was enough.


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## grahamg (Dec 26, 2017)

*Look forward if you can*



Colleen said:


> Thanks for the comments. I feel so much better. I have been called a terrible mother by his girlfriend's mother because I missed sending a birthday card to her daughter. This was a few years ago when my husband was having surgery for his accident. I had a lot on my plate at the time and her birthday slipped my mind. That's when I stopped communicating with her mother.
> 
> My husband doesn't say too much but he doesn't like the way my son treats me and only comes around when he wants something. Maybe I'll leave everything to someone else when I'm gone.
> 
> ...



I'm not going to challenge the consensus of views being given to you so far, although I will make one very simple point you may agree with perhaps.

If your son approached you in the right way do you think it is just possible you'd feel differently about his wedding, even if for other reasons you chose not to go? The loyalty he shows toward his partner's family, transcending anything else, that is probably always going to be there, as long as they're together (which maybe wont be for ever, given divorce rates - I know its odd to talk about divorce when considering a marriage but it is just a fact marriage breakdowns are very high). He can't say "Look mum its the way my fiancé and her family are that makes me behave as I do", but that may be the truth, and yet it might make a difference to you if he were to say how much it meant to him for you to be there at his wedding.

Although its a second marriage and maybe some of the starry eyed aspects of first marriages don't apply, and I agree from all you've told us there is no need to feel guilt if in the end you don't go, however, many people these days attend marriages where they encounter ex.'s they can't stand, and other people they've fallen out with at some point, but somehow do stomach it and perhaps feel better for doing so.


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## Outdoorsygal (Dec 26, 2017)

My answer would depend upon knowing more. Who moved away from the other, did you move to another state or did your son? 
 Just wondered who left who. I would never consider leaving my 26 year old son, ever going that far away. But I should never say never eh?

And you say "your husband" but does that mean he is not your son's father? 
did he grow up in a broken home? Clearly to move away from loved one's then expect them to spend money to travel and take time off from work to travel isn't fair. 
I hope that is not your expectation
I would never moved far away from our 26 year old son. But if I did, it wouldn't surprise me if many years later i moved back and he wasn't too interested in seeing me. 
Couldn't really blame him now could I?
Moreso if he experienced a broken home where clearly, his needs were not met which leaves scarring. I wouldn't fret about making up for that trauma whatsoever
I am sorry for you and your husbands ill health but moving back closer to your son for the purpose of expecting help with your husband (whom is not his father, or is) seems a bit, well.. callous 
Especially if you are the one who left him originally
To expect grown children to chase their parents when they move far away isn't right when it was the parents who separated from them in the first place. 
He let you know about the marriage for a reason
If he grew up in a broken home, please give him a chance. Many chances without obligation to you
The girlfriends parents cannot keep him from you.

To be safe, *I would certainly go to his wedding. *
You are his mother and it shows you care, even if you need to scrimp. 
Your husband need not go though if he is not his father, that will save some $$. 
Especially if you moved away from him.

This must be very difficult for you all. I'll pray for you and this situation. 
It might be time for you to step up to the plate and be a Mom despite the consequences.
Don't expect anything in return. Just apolgoize if you haven't been there as you should've been
Add your intent to change that while expect nothing in return
If you are not involved in a bible believing church, I'd try that first. 
Blessings to you and your husband
You are very pretty, btw.


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## Camper6 (Dec 27, 2017)

If I could afford it, I would go.

If I could not I would not.

Let your conscience be your guide.

Through thick and thin your children will always be your children.


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## Gary O' (Dec 27, 2017)

I’d call him and wish him all the happiness in the world
….and stay home
No blight, all parties

there's enough angst in this world
no need to feed a tenuous situation


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## Robusta (Dec 27, 2017)

*A Daughter is a Daughter all of her Life, A Son is a Son until he takes him a Wife!!!*


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## grahamg (Dec 27, 2017)

*A good one*



Robusta said:


> *A Daughter is a Daughter all of her Life, A Son is a Son until he takes him a Wife!!!*




I liked your post very much, and although I'm reminded I've heard it said before, I think many will agree with the sentiment, or truth contained in it  .


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## DaveA (Dec 27, 2017)

Robusta said:


> *A Daughter is a Daughter all of her Life, A Son is a Son until he takes him a Wife!!!*



I've also heard that comment many times.  From my experience, I have not found it to be true.  We have three daughters and a son, all of them married.  The one DIL is one of the kindest people that I've met.  She calls my wife a couple of times a week, just to chat, and is constantly asking us to visit for a few days.  They're only a bit over an hour and a half away and we're headed down later this week to spend the week-end and return next Tuesday.  My wife is more apt to scold my son for something than our DIL.

Our three daughters include her in their "girl's week-end" when they all go to one of the girls cottage in Maine and always call her little "sista".   So, no, our son brought a wonderful bright light into our family and we will always be thankful for his choice.  To end this, she's an RN, they are now in their mid 50's, have six kids, and two married (giving them 3 grandkids)  Fortunately, she is a cancer survivor that required a double mastectomy  a few years back.


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## Aunt Bea (Dec 27, 2017)

Gary O' said:


> I’d call him and wish him all the happiness in the world
> ….and stay home
> No blight, all parties
> 
> ...



I agree!

I think that it was nice of him to call and invite you to his wedding.  

Wish him sincere good wishes for his future happiness and leave it at that.

I would not rehash all of the baggage or list any reasons why I could not attend but I would leave the door open for future communications.

Good luck!


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## DaveA (Dec 27, 2017)

Colleen said:


> Thanks for the comments. I feel so much better. I have been called a terrible mother by his girlfriend's mother because I missed sending a birthday card to her daughter. This was a few years ago when my husband was having surgery for his accident. I had a lot on my plate at the time and her birthday slipped my mind. That's when I stopped communicating with her mother.
> 
> My husband doesn't say too much but he doesn't like the way my son treats me and only comes around when he wants something. Maybe I'll leave everything to someone else when I'm gone.



Colleen - -I don't wish you to misunderstand my reply to Robusta.  My remark was only concerning that old saying regarding "sons and wives".

I do sympathize with your situation but not knowing the facts regarding your family's early years when your son was a little tyke, I would not presume to have an answer.  It's a judgment that you and your husband will make as the rest of us can only base our thoughts on (mostly) our own experiences.  I'm still with the girl that I met 65 years ago, so my experience is even more limited than many. LOL


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## Colleen (Dec 27, 2017)

Outdoorsygal........Your assumptions that he has a damaged psyche because he was "left" as a youngster is certainly way off base and wasn't the case at all! He was raised with a mother and a father. Had lots of friends. Joined in many sports and was an "A" student. He went to college and is a professional in the work field of his choice. He was 23 years old with a steady job and on his own when I "left" him to go to CA for my husband's job. My son chose not to go with us. He visited us once in the years we lived in CA and did not want to relocate from PA. When he got married the first time, we did all the things the grooms parents are supposed to do. We flew back for all the "festivities" and paid for what we were required to pay for. It was a joke and a circus, but we kept our mouths shut and let him do what he wanted to do. My husband retired shortly after that and we traveled around the US in our RV. We spent summers in PA to be near my in-laws and my son, which we never saw. His wife would not let him visit and he either didn't want to see us or he conceded to her wishes to keep peace. We have done everything to try to have a relationship with him but he has chosen to not feel the same. He's 43 and at this point in my life I'm tired of trying to make something work that isn't going to. 

That's up to you if you don't want to cut the apron strings with your kids and if they're OK with that than that's fine for you, but don't judge me because I want to live my own life now. You don't have all the facts. I only gave you what I wanted to give you, so don't try to analyze anything because you have no clue what you're talking about. You'd be better off keeping your opinions to yourself.


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## Smiling Jane (Dec 27, 2017)

Colleen, my brother did pretty much the same thing. He married a woman all the way across country, and she didn't allow him to have his own friends and family. He had her family and that was it.

My mother went to their wedding and the bride's mother said she thought it was a terrible mistake. She said her daughter had always been overbearing, and she was going to make every decision and my brother was going to let her. That's exactly what happened. He was never allowed to talk to any of us after that, not even my mother after the wedding.


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## hearlady (Dec 30, 2017)

You should feel no obligation to go. I know that's hard. I would be torn like you but you can see that no one would consider you a bad mother or person.


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## jujube (Dec 30, 2017)

We attended the Spousal Equivalent's son's wedding a couple of years back.  We were never acknowledged, not introduced to anyone, and were placed at the children's table in the corner partly behind a screen.  

In other words, they would have been just as happy if we didn't attend, but if we hadn't, THAT would have been held against us.  

Go....don't go.....it won't make a lot of difference in the long run.


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## Colleen (Dec 30, 2017)

My husband and I talked about it a couple days ago and we were in agreement that it would be a waste of time, energy and money, so why put ourselves through it??? If our son would have stayed in contact with us over the last 20 years (would a phone call have been so hard...at least once a month??), that would be a different story and I wouldn't be on here asking for opinions. As it is, we honestly don't feel guilty about missing the whole thing....and I'm sure he won't miss us either. I hate to admit this about my own son, but he's a taker. That's the only time we hear from him is when he wants something. 

So, we've decided to save ourselves a lot of grief and not attend. We'll wish him the best and send them a wedding card and get on with our lives. He's actually made the decision for us.


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## Lethe200 (Jan 1, 2018)

Robusta said:


> *A Daughter is a Daughter all of her Life, A Son is a Son until he takes him a Wife!!!*



Not true in traditional Asian culture, I'm afraid. Daughters marry *into *their husband's family; sons _*always *_remain part of his family. Things are loosening up a bit as the next generation kids absorb more of American culture, but it only goes so far. 

My DH was 12 when he came to the U.S., so his cultural roots are fairly strong. He's an only child, too, so caring for his mother in her old age was a given, especially when his stepfather passed away and he became the de facto "man of the house" even though she didn't move in with us until four years afterwards.


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## Butterfly (Jan 1, 2018)

Colleen said:


> My husband and I talked about it a couple days ago and we were in agreement that it would be a waste of time, energy and money, so why put ourselves through it??? If our son would have stayed in contact with us over the last 20 years (would a phone call have been so hard...at least once a month??), that would be a different story and I wouldn't be on here asking for opinions. As it is, we honestly don't feel guilty about missing the whole thing....and I'm sure he won't miss us either. I hate to admit this about my own son, but he's a taker. That's the only time we hear from him is when he wants something.
> 
> So, we've decided to save ourselves a lot of grief and not attend. We'll wish him the best and send them a wedding card and get on with our lives. He's actually made the decision for us.



You've made the same decision I would have made, especially in light of the distance and the travel costs involved and the unwelcoming tone of the invitation.  Just my opinion.


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## Gary O' (Jan 2, 2018)

Colleen said:


> So, we've decided to save ourselves a lot of grief and not attend. We'll wish him the best and send them a wedding card and get on with our lives. He's actually made the decision for us.



good on you


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## OneEyedDiva (Jan 18, 2018)

Colleen said:


> Thank you for your reply. It's hard to be like this but you're absolutely right. His first marriage was exactly like you said...we were ignored completely as he was so involved with his new family and friends. Sadly, we knew it wasn't going to last from the minute we met her but there was no talking to him....so....
> 
> I needed some kind of outside validation. My husband has never liked the way my son's treated me but he's kept his mouth shut for my sake. He's a good guy. The thing is...his kids have always been there for us. They came from CA to help us move from PA to AZ 4 years ago and they even relocated from CA to here to be closer to their dad.


Colleen your husband's children are your family. They sound like wonderful children. My son is wonderful too...even more attentive and protective now that I'm older. His ex and his current wife are also like my daughters. They keep track of me. The ex, who drives, will call from time to time to see if I need to go someplace or need something, even though she knows my husband takes me places. The DIL calls me too, sends me food sometimes and I have fun conversations with both of them. The Ex is the mother of two of my grandchildren. She called me New Years eve and said she wanted to end the year right so could she and the children come over that afternoon. They came and we had the best time. I was honored that she wanted to spend time with me. Sometimes, unfortunately, blood relatives fail the family test. Your son missed the boat and someday he just may regret it.


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## Dragonlady (Jan 21, 2018)

I don't know what your financial situation is, but going into debt at this point in life would not be a wise move for you - particularly on behalf of someone who displays so little concern for you. If you can afford it, you might want to take the high road and send both a card and a present.


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## oldman (Jan 22, 2018)

This is an older post, but I wanted to share with you what a close friend said to me one time when I also had a problem going on at the time and was up in the air as to how best to handle it. He simply told me to "Follow my heart." Let your feelings and your conscience be your guide. 

In the situation that you have stated, IMHO, you are not a bad mother for not wanting to go to the wedding. You have stated some very viable reasons why you don't have to go. I think that because you and your son are not close and he has done some hurtful things, I don't think anyone would blame you for not going. He's an older adult now and this is his second marriage, so the choice is yours and nobody's else.


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## WhatInThe (Jan 22, 2018)

No contact and to top it off a divorced person gets married in a formal wedding-either one would leave me at home. 

After a certain point marriage is a formality, not a formal occasion.


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## AZ Jim (Jan 22, 2018)

Card stating your health conditions which makes it impossible.


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## Colleen (Jan 22, 2018)

I thank all of you for your comments and insights. I'm so glad I posted this here because sometimes when we're in these situations it's difficult to step back from it to look at it objectively. This helped me (us) sort this out. My husband has been all for not going right from the start, but he would have gone if it would have been my desire to do so. However, I've made peace with myself about it and I'm not in turmoil any more (Thanks to your words of wisdom ), so we're not going. A nice card and well wishes to them and that will be that. Thanks again


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## Leonie (Feb 7, 2018)

Wise decision. 

My relationship with my oldest son is so much like yours I could have written your posts for you. The only difference is that when he got married for the second time he never even bothered to tell us.  I probably should be grateful for that.

Because now the youngest is about to marry (for the first time) at age 44, and after living together for years. The whole thing is getting bigger than Ben Hur, but these two are so much more inclusive of us, even though she has a really large family, and they are very close. 

There's no way I could rain on their parade, so I guess I will bite my tongue, but I really like WhatInThe's comment ... 





> After a certain point marriage is a formality, not a formal occasion.


I'm stealing that one.


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## OneEyedDiva (Feb 21, 2018)

Outdoorsygal said:


> My answer would depend upon knowing more. Who moved away from the other, did you move to another state or did your son?
> Just wondered who left who. I would never consider leaving my 26 year old son, ever going that far away. But I should never say never eh?
> 
> And you say "your husband" but does that mean he is not your son's father?
> ...


Outdoorsygal you are SO out of line that it's not funny. Did you even read the original post??!! Apparently not. Particularly this part of what Colleen wrote: "A few years ago we moved from TX to PA to be closer to him but we were about 30 miles away and he never came to see us. We were always alone for holidays, too. They always went to her mother's house. It was very hurtful to me to realize he just didn't seem to care. Then my husband had a bad accident and was struggling for many months to heal. My son never called once nor offered to come cut the grass or help me take my husband to the doctor's, which I had to drive 35 miles one way twice a week for quite a while.

Almost 4 years ago, after my husband got better and we struggled with winter, we decided to move to AZ for our health. I have a herniated disc and arthritis in my hips and back so sitting and standing for any length of time is very painful for me. I should mention that my husband is 77 and I'm 71."

For you to lay this on Colleen or insinuate her son may have come from a broken home is ludicrous. You asked questions that were already answered in her original post. She and her husband made an effort by moving to be close to her son but was ignored. And at the time her son was in his late 30's so it seems from her time frame. What does that have to do with you not considering moving away from your 26 year old son? That's your business and your choice but your son is a grown man. And certainly someone pushing 40 is grown and should be able to function without mommy being nearby. Parents have lives too. And those who consistently lead lives for their grown children eventually live to regret it because those children *DO* move on with their own lives, leaving a void if they're all the parent(s) focused on. You'd better hope it doesn't happen to you.  Right now I'm angry *for* Colleen because like I said...you are totally out of line. I wasn't even going to sign in tonight but did so to respond to your inappropriate reply.


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## Jandante (Feb 21, 2018)

Yes, I agree, send a nice card and wish them all the best, and don't feel guilty, make the most of the time with your husband and friends with a grateful heart that you have each other.


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