# The Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar



## jujube (Dec 18, 2020)

Back by popular demand, the Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar:

December 1: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2:  Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3: Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4:  Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5: Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6: Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7:  Debug Windows 10

December 8: Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with beeswax from my backyard bee colony.

December 9: Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved ones.

December 10: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11:  Lay Faberge egg.

December 12:  Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by hand making snow and playing my Christmas album.

December 13:  Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14:  Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15:  Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17:  Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19:  Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20:  Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21:  Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22:  Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23:  Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24:  Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25:  Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26:  Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27:  Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 28:  Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 29:  Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I wove myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.

December 30:  Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify desire of world peace.

December 31:  New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

(I don't know who wrote this, but I am prepared to worship at their feet.)


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## SilentSoul (Dec 18, 2020)

_#11 _


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