# Would you move if you lost your spouse?



## StarSong (Aug 11, 2019)

Looking around my home, I realize how drastically my life and living situation would change if my beloved husband passed away while we were still living in this big house.  The obvious is that I would miss him terribly because he's a truly wonderful man who's been the center of my life for over 40 years.  

The less obvious is that he's often puttering about the place, fixing things. Whether installing a new toilet, repairing weather stripping, tinkering with the pool filter, fixing a leaky pipe, etc., he manages to keep everything running smoothly with very little outside or hired assistance. 

No way I could/would manage those tasks on my own and I wouldn't want to lean heavily on my sons or SIL for help.  Their lives are already busy.  

Bottom line is that I'd probably sell within six months and move into a condo.   

How would your living situations change, if at all?


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## Liberty (Aug 11, 2019)

StarSong said:


> Looking around my home, I realize how drastically my life and living situation would change if my beloved husband passed away while we were still living in this big house.  The obvious is that I would miss him terribly because he's a truly wonderful man who's been the center of my life for over 40 years.
> 
> The less obvious is that he's often puttering about the place, fixing things. Whether installing a new toilet, repairing weather stripping, tinkering with the pool filter, fixing a leaky pipe, etc., he manages to keep everything running smoothly with very little outside or hired assistance.
> 
> ...


You know Star, you must be reading my mine.  Think our life might be a kind of mirror reflection of yours.  We've been happily married 50 years, live on acreage with a large house, pool, etc.  Ditto for what you say about your hubby "fixing things".  My husband is an electrical engineer that built this house - I mean literally - he and my mother had a blast building this big "bunker".  With that said, we enjoy it so much but if something happened to him, think I'd be in your boat.  They say don't do anything for a year, though.  Don't know if I agree with it, but would probably wind up moving back to Ohio, to be close to son and family - it would be what it would be, wouldn't it, for both of us!


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## Marie5656 (Aug 11, 2019)

I have a slightly different living situation as my home is not that big, and on one level. My monthly expenses are within my means, though tighter now. A neighbor helps with yard work and I have people I can call for help.
I used to think I would want to sell and get an apartment. But for now I will stay.


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## SeaBreeze (Aug 11, 2019)

If my husband passed away, I would definitely want to stay here in our house for as long as possible, preferably up until it's my turn to pass on.  I love our house, yard and area.  We just have a small house 2 bedroom ranch with finished basement.  It's small enough for me to take care of on my own, and wouldn't seem big even for a single person.  Plus, my dog and cat are comfortable here, they can hang out indoors or go in the yard if they like.

My husband has always done maintenance and repairs, although I've done lots of painting, yard work, gutter cleaning and small stuff.  I would definitely have to have someone come in to fix a pipe, install a toilet, also clean the gutters if I was on my own, or do any major work, but I don't think that would be a problem for me.  I don't have any kids or family around, but I still think it's doable unless I get seriously ill or injured.

Since my house is small, downgrading would mean an apartment or condo, I hate living in apartments so that would be something I would not consider.  Hopefully my health will remain steady as it is and I would still be able to do most things.  But like they say, never say never....if my situation mandated it, I would force myself to move.


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## JustBonee (Aug 11, 2019)

My experience on the topic. 

Six years ago, I was at that crossroads.  Husband of 49 yrs. died.  I had a large home  w/pool and property to maintain on my own.   
I said I was going to stick it out.  
The family  had of course all moved on,   and I was by myself at that point.  I did have two dogs and a cat.  

Four years into that, the realization of home maintenance, taxes and  the overwhelming  'aloneness'  hit me.     I told my kids I couldn't do it anymore.   The stress was building.  
My husband's  big yellow lab died that summer.   I knew it was time to go.  The cat went to live with my oldest daughter.  

Family  all understood and helped me with selling the house and making future plans.  Took about 6-8 months.     Both daughters thought that I should move in with them...  but, NO,  not what I considered at all.  ...maybe at some later date, but who knows.

I wanted to try Senior apartment living ... living on my own - something that I had never done in my entire life!  Went from living with family to husband.   Never lived the single life before.    

So, here I am, 6 yrs later, and so very happy in my apartment.   All the cares and worries have gone away.  Love my life now.   
My little dog lives with me here and we are enjoying a carefree existence.


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## StarSong (Aug 11, 2019)

We have a 2500+ SF, 4 BR, 3 BA, in-ground pool, house that was perfect when we were raising 3 kids but is now beyond the needs of two of us.  For now, we're staying because he's very attached to it (and I'm very attached to him .) It matters less to me than it does to him so I acquiesced. (In our marriage we've had a long-standing decision guideline that's served us well - whoever knows more or cares more about a given subject generally prevails unless there are other factors to consider, like big costs.) 

Since we're in a suburban area with lots of housing options and our children are all within 30 minutes of this house, I'd likely move someplace nearby.


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## Don M. (Aug 11, 2019)

Losing the spouse would be very hard on a "widow"....having to maintain the house/yard, etc.  But, I can also see the Stress involved if a man loses his wife.  Just the lack of "companionship" would be a major problem for most.  Should that ever happen to me, I would seriously consider selling this place, and moving to a Senior Housing complex where I could interact with others on a regular basis.


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## StarSong (Aug 11, 2019)

Bonnie said:


> My experience on the topic.
> 
> Six years ago, I was at that crossroads.  Husband of 49 yrs. died.  I had a large home  w/pool and property to maintain on my own.
> I said I was going to stick it out.
> ...



Four years is a long time to manage all of that on your own. I salute you - talk about giving it the old college try! Glad you found a place that works for you. 

I spent the majority of my life in large SFH, but bounced around at least half a dozen different apartments during my late teens and early twenties. (Maybe it was an LA thing, but most of my friends did the same. We'd live somewhere for a year or two, then move on to another place.) Sometimes with roommates, sometimes not. 

I'd be cool with living in an attached or detached home within in a large condo complex, or an apartment type condo. 

As *Don* mentioned, the loss of companionship would also be a big motivator.


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## jujube (Aug 11, 2019)

I stayed on in our house for four years after my husband died.  I was better at fixing things than he was (he didn't have a lot of patience and often ended up making something worse than it was before), so that wasn't a problem.  Taking care of the yard by myself about killed me, but I had wonderful neighbors who helped out a lot.  

I'd probably still be living there if I hadn't met the Spousal Equivalent and moved into his house.  I put my house up for sale and sold it quickly, thank goodness.


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## JustBonee (Aug 11, 2019)

StarSong said:


> *Four years is a long time to manage all of that on your own. I salute you - talk about giving it the old college try! *Glad you found a place that works for you.
> ..........................



Yeah really,    thanks   .....  I guess it took a while to process the whole situation.


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## Liberty (Aug 11, 2019)

StarSong said:


> We have a 2500+ SF, 4 BR, 3 BA, in-ground pool, house that was perfect when we were raising 3 kids but is now beyond the needs of two of us.  For now, we're staying because he's very attached to it (and I'm very attached to him .) It matters less to me than it does to him so I acquiesced. (In our marriage we've had a long-standing decision guideline that's served us well - whoever knows more or cares more about a given subject generally prevails unless there are other factors to consider, like big costs.)
> 
> Since we're in a suburban area with lots of housing options and our children are all within 30 minutes of this house, I'd likely move someplace nearby.


Gosh, that sounds so much like us...except the house is 6,000 sq. ft.  on 12 acres.  Believe it or not the house isn't that hard to keep up. Guess it is because its not a "stick house" but an interlocking stone block house with lots of concrete - its a long story.  My husband likes big houses...he's 6 ft 4.  If something happened to me he would stay here.  He's got "skin in the game" of this big old joint, and he's an introvert. Animals are always something to consider.  We just have 2 cats now.  Dog died.

For some, it may be a "work in progress". Stages to move forward, taking it a day at a time, having faith you would be given what you need to "keep on keeping on".


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## StarSong (Aug 11, 2019)

6000 SF on 12 acres?  You're a better woman than I am, Gunga Din.


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## Lara (Aug 11, 2019)

Don't make any significant changes financially, location wise, etc until at least a year or two goes by.


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## Uptosnuff (Aug 11, 2019)

I am also in that same boat.  We have lived here almost 20 years.  Twenty years ago I could handle doing all the work this place demands.  My spouse loves it.  Me, not as much as I used to.  If something should happen to him, I would move out of here in a minute and back to the city in a condo.  I miss the friends, convenience, orderliness, etc. of living in a city.

My living arrangements would change dramatically as would my life if something happened to my spouse.  I'm hoping and praying that doesn't come to pass any time soon!


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## Liberty (Aug 11, 2019)

StarSong said:


> 6000 SF on 12 acres?  You're a better woman than I am, Gunga Din.


Ha ha...its a very long story.  My mother came to live with us when she was 56 (she became legally blind) and the house we had was a bit too tight.  Both mom and my husband loved privacy, so we bought this land to build.  He can't build anything small...lol.

With that said, its a very open floor plan and just doesn't get dusty much - lots of hanging green plants keep the air fresh all year.  Its probably the oddest house you could ever see...lol.


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## hollydolly (Aug 11, 2019)

yep Iwould move...ditto to the handy hubby who keep everything working and well oiled here..in fact he's out there right now, making new shed doors... ..but if he went before me, then I'd be gone from here..!! I've always wanted to move but he doesn't..so if he wasn't here, I'd definitely move to a different area, and a smaller house!!


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## JustBonee (Aug 11, 2019)

Lara said:


> Don't make any significant changes financially, location wise, etc until at least a year or two goes by.




Yes, that would be my advice too.   Go slow and give it time so that you make the right choices.


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## drifter (Aug 11, 2019)

I would definitely stay in the house. I'm too darn old to anything else.


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## Knight (Aug 11, 2019)

Were not there yet but it's been discussed. I expect to croak before my wife does so as it is now she has the option to stay put or sell & move. She will be financially comfortable & able to do whatever she decides. 
 But if she did die 1st. I'd stay in our home.


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## StarSong (Aug 11, 2019)

Bonnie said:


> Yes, that would be my advice too.   Go slow and give it time so that you make the right choices.



*Lara and Bonnie*, this is probably good advice. I hope I never need to make these decisions, but unless there were extenuating circumstances I'd be unlikely to stay here for very long. 

It's way more house than one person needs, and I'd be a bit of a scaredy cat about staying here alone.


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## charry (Aug 11, 2019)

yes i would , if anything happened to my hubby.....not sure where or why....but i would need to get away !!


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## Lc jones (Aug 11, 2019)

I would probably stay put as the house is just the right size for one or two people and our neighborhood is pretty peaceful. I would need to have someone take care of the pool and do the yard work and I would probably ask my son to do it as he lives here with me. If not I would need to hire somebody to do those things because I couldn’t do them myself. One thing that would be very hard is going in the different rooms and imagining my husband there. That would be tough.


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## Lethe200 (Aug 11, 2019)

Already working on this issue, but with spouse. He'd be happy to stay here for a good long while. I'm not. Totally over the SFH thing. This house and large garden takes a lot of maintenance and $$$$, since DH is not handy and I'm only marginally better. 

Starting to very slowly downsize - saving stackable boxes, starting to sort through clothes and books. Investigating various senior living facilities in a wide area. Lots of options available to us so we'll see where we end up. Not an easy decision.

We have more options than most due to high disposable income and generous LTCi policies. But because of that, we have more avenues to research, and that includes what to do with the house once we're ready to vacate.

We may or may not sell it, based on whether we want to rent to a couple we have known for many years who would love to get into the housing market. We are thinking of letting them rent for a year to see if they really want to manage the kind of expenses and maintenance a house requires. They can qualify for a VA loan if they do decide to buy. We would, of course, write up a suitable lease agreement for the rental period to protect both sides. 

If they don't want to buy - I personally think they should keep saving their $$$$ and buy out of state somewhere - then we can put the house up for sale. The mortgage is paid off and we don't need the proceeds to move into a facility anyway.

DH and I are on the tail end of our active phase where we do a fair amount of car travel. It annoys me that we can't be comfortable leaving the house empty for more than a few days, even with an alarm system. Casual crime is high in the city so it's simply not a good idea to be gone for a couple of weeks at a time. Love all the services we have available to us, but the downside is with urban metros, there's a lot of burglaries/theft. 

But yes, I would and will, definitely move. I'm not sentimental about this house, even though we have pretty much customized it the way we want. It's a box to live in, and there are other things I want to do with my life.


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## Keesha (Aug 11, 2019)

Losing my man? 
What would I do?
I don’t know. It’s too overwhelming to even contemplate


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## Patio Life (Aug 11, 2019)

We downsized for retirement during the 2008/12 crash. Economically good timing. I'm a RE Broker and have had tons of experience reading the market. So, in 2010 we started looking for a smaller and easier place to call home. Hubby kicked and screamed through the entire process. I didn't care. After 8 yrs here he is quite content.  

Anyway, I would not move. We are very close to a light rail station, within short walking distance to 2 grocers, 2 pharmacies, urgent care, lot & lots of restaurants, plus most of the other retail places I could want. We aren't in the urban core, but on the edge. I would get rid of hubby's many fish tanks, the cast iron all over the walls & shelves and most of his clock collection. He is someplace between a collector and a hoarder.

We have a small 3/2 with a good size dinning, kitchen and living room area. The bedrooms are small. There are two good size patios on the east side of the townhouse. I love sitting on the patio. The far back patio is for the dog and we built a large shed there too.

No yard work. No exterior painting. No bothering with the roof. No pool care.


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## oldman (Aug 11, 2019)

I can tell you without any uncertainty, yes.


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## AZ Jim (Aug 11, 2019)

I am sitting tight for now.  My beloved wife passed 1/30 this year but right now I don't know what I will do.  I am disabled and not wealthy so my choices are limited.  My home is paid for.


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## oldman (Aug 11, 2019)

AZ Jim said:


> I am sitting tight for now.  My beloved wife passed 1/30 this year but right now I don't know what I will do.  I am disabled and not wealthy so my choices are limited.  My home is paid for.



Maybe as long as you can handle the simple maintenance needed or pay someone to do it, you may be more comfortable staying put. OTOH, maybe a move would help you to change your prospective on things. You probably have a lot of triggers in the house that give you flashbacks with your memory when your wife was alive. I can see where a change may be a good thing for you.


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## C'est Moi (Aug 11, 2019)

Yes, if that happens I'll move.   We are in a similar situation; still in a 5 bedroom 2-story house with pool, etc.   It was great for our family and is mortgage-free, plus holds a lot of memories of the kids growing up.  We have talked about downsizing but we love our neighborhood and the house, so here we stay.   

We have a lawn crew so keeping up with the yard work wouldn't be any different, but I'd prefer a smaller home or condo if on my own.   I'd probably choose to rent instead of buying something so that my children wouldn't have to deal with that when I'm gone.  Plus with a rental, I wouldn't have to worry about taking care of maintenance.


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## HazyDavey (Aug 11, 2019)

Nope.. Our house isn't all that big but it's paid for. This is where we raised our kids and grew old together. I can think of no other place I'd rather be.


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## Uptosnuff (Aug 11, 2019)

AZ Jim said:


> I am sitting tight for now.  My beloved wife passed 1/30 this year but right now I don't know what I will do.  I am disabled and not wealthy so my choices are limited.  My home is paid for.


Yes, I can see where having your home paid for would be an anchor.  Our home is paid for also and that is one reason my spouse wants to stay put.  This is the only mortgage we have ever paid off and it is a great feeling.  It only took us 40 years.


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## Gary O' (Aug 11, 2019)

*Would you move if you lost your spouse?*

Yes
I'd sell stuff
And move to the coast
With camera
And an unquenchable thirst, for cold ones and conversation

Build a shack
Get a dog
Rebuild an ol' pickup
Write
Stroll beaches

Wither

Die


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## Manatee (Aug 11, 2019)

I keep thinking that one of us will be the survivor.  I keep telling Mrs Manatee that being female, statistically she is required to out last me, but that is a toss up at best.  Our ground floor condo apartment requires far less upkeep than a house.  We had our 60th anniversary 2 weeks ago so we are slowing down.  Likely the survivor could wind up living with our daughter.  We are hoping our daughter will return to Florida.


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## Uptosnuff (Aug 12, 2019)

Manatee said:


> I keep thinking that one of us will be the survivor.  I keep telling Mrs Manatee that being female, statistically she is required to out last me, but that is a toss up at best.  Our ground floor condo apartment requires far less upkeep than a house.  We had our 60th anniversary 2 weeks ago so we are slowing down.  Likely the survivor could wind up living with our daughter.  We are hoping our daughter will return to Florida.


Congrats on your anniversary!!  That is really a milestone.  I would find it comforting to know you could live with your daughter if you are the survivor.


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## JustBonee (Aug 12, 2019)

Congratulations @Manatee   .. that is wonderful


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## OneEyedDiva (Aug 28, 2019)

My husband passed away in December.  I owned this apartment since I was 24. We didn't get together until 23 years later. So no, I did not need to sell after he passed. I'm glad he didn't pass away in the apartment though. I'd still stay here but it may have made it more difficult. Not difficult enough to spur a move though. Like Patio, I'm in an ideal location, public transportation is great; I'm near a supermarket, retail establishments, financial institutions and restaurants. Icing on the cake...we pay about 32% of the average housing costs for our city.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Aug 28, 2019)

I would like to stay in my home. For me it would be feasible because my son takes care of a lot of the upkeep, even now. If he should move on I would then move closer to my daughter. I wouldn't want to actually live with my kids even though we are very close. I guess it sounds funny coming from a 74 year old but I've never been on my own. I went from living with my parents to getting married. I'd like the experience of living alone and knowing I was able to do it even if for a short while.


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## A2ZGrammie (Aug 28, 2019)

I like my little house. Hopefully, I'm not going anywhere.


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## Harp Angel (Aug 28, 2019)

I lost my spouse a few years ago. We lived on a hobby farm and it was too much for me to keep up so I sold the place and moved into a retirement community. Life is so much more simple now. I don't have to worry about lawn care and can come and go when I want to! And I love having neighbors in my age group.  Downsizing was the best thing I ever did. I enjoy life more now without being weighed down by "too many material things".  Living  a more simple life works for this (60 something) gal.


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## Oldguy (Aug 28, 2019)

*Would you move if you lost your spouse?*
I lost her at the fair one time, I hurried home to pack but she came home before I could get away! 

But seriously, no, probably not, since where we live is perfect...don't have to mow the lawn, quiet street, low crime (as far as I know).  Lousy neighbors, but what you gonna do?
I doubt my wife would move if she lost me, since this was her home before we met.


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## Buckeye (Aug 28, 2019)

Yano, living in a van down by the river doesn't sound like such a bad plan


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## Linda (Aug 29, 2019)

Ruth n Jersey said:


> I would like to stay in my home. For me it would be feasible because my son takes care of a lot of the upkeep, even now. If he should move on I would then move closer to my daughter. I wouldn't want to actually live with my kids even though we are very close. I guess it sounds funny coming from a 74 year old but I've never been on my own. I went from living with my parents to getting married. I'd like the experience of living alone and knowing I was able to do it even if for a short while.


I'm about in the same situation as you.  I live in the mts and I'd be too isolated up here to live on my own.  I'd have to move down to the flatlands.  Possibly taking turns living with my 3 children who are still alive.  It wouldn't be my first choice but it'd have to go on my finances at the time.


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## toffee (Aug 29, 2019)

I have often thought this to myself 'what if' and yes I would move nearer to my family'


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## C'est Moi (Aug 29, 2019)

OneEyedDiva said:


> My husband passed away in December.  I owned this apartment since I was 24. We didn't get together until 23 years later. So no, I did not need to sell after he passed. *I'm glad he didn't pass away in the apartment though. *


So sorry for your loss, OED.   I agree that having one's partner die in a place might make it more difficult to stay.   My best friend's fiancee died unexpectedly in her house a few years ago.  She went upstairs to bed one Saturday night and left him watching a movie on TV.  When she got up the next morning she found that he had died on her sofa and was cold to the touch; apparently a massive heart attack.   She never got over it and had to sell her house and had the sofa destroyed.


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## hypochondriac (Aug 29, 2019)

If my wife passes im outta here. go to a cheap tiny one bedroom unit. 
the bear mimimum. thats all i need.


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## Meanderer (Aug 29, 2019)

Lara said:


> Don't make any significant changes financially, location wise, etc until at least a year or two goes by.


I agree with Lara.  When you are grieving, it is not the best time to make life-changing decisions.


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## OneEyedDiva (Aug 29, 2019)

C'est Moi said:


> So sorry for your loss, OED.   I agree that having one's partner die in a place might make it more difficult to stay.   My best friend's fiancee died unexpectedly in her house a few years ago.  She went upstairs to bed one Saturday night and left him watching a movie on TV.  When she got up the next morning she found that he had died on her sofa and was cold to the touch; apparently a massive heart attack.   She never got over it and had to sell her house and had the sofa destroyed.


Thank you so much C'est Moi.  Terrible experience for your friend.  My cousin's wife had a very similar experience. They went to bed one night and when she woke up the next morning, he was dead in the bed. He was only in his 30's.  I believe they were renting and this was decades ago so I don't know if or how quickly she moved. She never married again.


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## street (Sep 1, 2019)

If my wife passed away and I was still in good health I would move to the ranch.  I just hate living in town.


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