# Do You Feel Guilty....?



## maggiemae (Nov 29, 2016)

Do you feel quilty when you just have to say "no" about keeping the grandkids?  My daughter lives close by and with the holidays coming, I think she expects us (me and husband) to have the kids here for the two weeks they are out of school while she works.  A day or two is alright but 2 weeks is a bit much.  The five year old is hard to keep entertained for that many days.  Don't get me wrong, I love them more than anything but I did not retire to babysit.  Am I just a selfish old grandma?


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## Gemma (Nov 29, 2016)

No, I never feel guilty about speaking up and saying no.  And I don't think you are being selfish at all.  I'd explain to her just what you posted here, that a day or two would be fine, but don't expect more.


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## fureverywhere (Nov 29, 2016)

Nah, not at all...on one paw I enjoy sleeping late. On the other I told my eldest I am open to babysitting. But it has to be at their house. Our house is completely un-childproofed. Sophie the dog is too psychotic for any child. Callie is a lover, but too big and strong. When Sophie has gone to the Rainbow Bridge and Mr. Baby is sure on his feet. Him and Callie could be great together. In the meantime I'm happy to babysit at their house.


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## SeaBreeze (Nov 29, 2016)

I don't have any grandkids Maggiemae, but I don't think you should feel guilty at all.  Two weeks is a lot, she should feel guilty for wanting you to take the kids for such a long time, IMO.  A day or two is generous enough.  You're right, you didn't retire to be taken advantage of and used as a full time babysitter, too much for many folks our age.  I just visited my young nephews for less than a week and came home completely worn out.

It's hard to say no, but as I get older I find it easier, life is to short to disregard yourself and your husband's comfort and happiness.  Even if you just sat around all day and watched TV, doesn't matter, after working for years and rearing children, that's what you're supposed to do, spend your golden years relaxing or doing what you feel like doing.  You're very sweet, not selfish at all. :love_heart:


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## BlondieBoomer (Nov 29, 2016)

I don't have kids or grandkids either but I completely agree with SB on this one. You did the child care thing raising her. Now your time should be your own.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Nov 30, 2016)

I have two grandsons 5 and 9. I wouldn't feel guilty at all. They are good kids but so active I don't think I could keep up with them because of my bad knees. They love their electronic gizmos. I live in fear that the moment the parents leave the house one of these electronic wonders would malfunction and I would have absolutely no way to get it working again. At that point no amount of board games will keep them happy for very long. The younger one likes books and coloring so that would help but the older one likes sports and climbing trees. Oma doesn't do well swinging from tree branches.


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## Marie5656 (Nov 30, 2016)

*Just repeating what has already been said.  I think as a grandparent, it is OK to set boundaries and limits as to when you watch the little munchkins.  I think your own kids would appreciate your honesty with them.*


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## SeaBreeze (Nov 30, 2016)

Marie5656 said:


> *Just repeating what has already been said.  I think as a grandparent, it is OK to set boundaries and limits as to when you watch the little munchkins.  I think your own kids would appreciate your honesty with them.*



I agree Marie, although the daughter may be annoyed and inconvenienced at first, she will have respected the firm "no".  She may not say so verbally, although she should, but she will know it deep inside and perhaps learn from it for her future "situations".


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## Carla (Nov 30, 2016)

Don't feel guilty, Maggie. Explain that while you'de be willing to have them a couple days, two weeks would be more than you can handle. I know it would be too much for me. It's really hard on us as they often require 100% of our attention. My grandchildren's other grandmother has never, not even once, ever watched them. They are all grown up except for one. I've had them for overnights, weekends and visits--that's about all I can handle physically. They will just have to make other arrangements.


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## bluebreezes (Nov 30, 2016)

I also agree with Marie that boundaries are important. Christmas isn't the only school break during the year either. I wonder if talking about a plan for the whole year might help everyone.


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## Grumpy Ol' Man (Nov 30, 2016)

Our kids have been so good about not taking us for granted.  If they get in a real bind, we may get a phone call asking about picking one up here or keeping one for an hour or two.  NEVER have they assumed we would "babysit" for days at a time.

My best golf buddy is just the opposite.  A daughter with four kids runs their lives.  Her kids are involved in everything sports related.  Soccer, tee ball, baseball, golf, running... everything.  And, whenever a kid is involved, the parents either are coaching or spending time with the kid playing.  Grandpa and Grandma are expected to keep the other three.  When the parents want to go out to eat, go to a movie, go anywhere... the kids are dumped on G & G's doorstep.  No notice.  More than once, we've been playing golf and he gets a text asking him to come home because Grandma has from 2 to 4 kids who have been dropped off.  They will NOT say NO!

This is a difficult decision that many grandparents must face.  There needs to be guidelines set early that say you want to be part of your grandkids lives... but not be taken for granted and have your daily routine be determined by their parents schedule.  Hard to do without upsetting the parents.


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## Robusta (Dec 1, 2016)

maggiemae said:


> Do you feel quilty when you just have to say "no" about keeping the grandkids?  My daughter lives close by and with the holidays coming, I think she expects us (me and husband) to have the kids here for the two weeks they are out of school while she works.  A day or two is alright but 2 weeks is a bit much.  The five year old is hard to keep entertained for that many days.  Don't get me wrong, I love them more than anything but I did not retire to babysit.  Am I just a selfish old grandma?


Is your daughter wealthy?  Reason I ask is out of schedule day care if even available can cost over a hundred dollars a day.  My mother and father had the attitude that they had raised theirs and were not going to raise any more.  We never asked them to babysit and they never did. As a result they only knew their grandchildren from short  visits,and never did form a close bond.  We sometimes feel taken advantage of our selves,and then I think of how difficult it was for us with out support. If we did not watch the girls during school breaks their parents would spend more on daycare than my daughter earns.  Yes it can be an imposition, but we are family!


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## ossian (Dec 1, 2016)

I can understand why you ask this but you should not feel guilty in saying 'no'. While I have not been in that situation, it seems to me that much is expected of grandparents now in order to continue to support their own kids. Surely, their kids should recognise that their parents are entitled to a relaxing and stress free retirement? Is it not for them to live and organise their lives according to their own commitments?


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## nvtribefan (Dec 1, 2016)

BlondieBoomer said:


> I don't have kids or grandkids either but I completely agree with SB on this one. You did the child care thing raising her. Now your time should be your own.



This.


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## Wilberforce (Dec 1, 2016)

I don't do guilt, it is not something I allow myself  to  feel. I make choices, usually after thinking things out a while then  andI feel I  have responsibilities but not guilt. I believe you are perfectly right in saying no if that is what you want and I don't feel you need to give a reason either, no is sufficient. Enjoy your grandbabies as you can but you have a life too and making the choice to say no on this occasion doesn't in any way lessen your love for your family, saying no sometimes is a  healthy choice and it teaches your grandchildren confidence in themselves too  which will help them tremendously down the road.

XX Jeannine


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## Sassycakes (Dec 4, 2016)

After my DIL had my 2 grandson's she wanted to go back to work. My son got a second job so she could stay home. Even after he got the job she still insisted on going back to work. So I watched the 2 boys every day. I was a lot younger then and truthfully I loved it. Now it is 20yrs later and I am a loooot older. My daughter had her baby 6 yrs ago. She decided after the baby came that she wanted to stay home with  her baby. Now that my granddaughter is in school,my daughter was offered the job as a substitute school nurse. My daughter is an RN and worked in a children's hospital before the baby was born. She won't ask us to babysit  unless it is an emergency . She said my Husband and I deserve to rest and take care of ourselves and to stop worry about helping everyone else. I wish I could do more for her,but she is right. I am not young anymore.


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## fureverywhere (Dec 4, 2016)

My parents helped me over the top and beyond. If I need four more cups of coffee to see Mr. Baby early morning I feel it's what I'm supposed to do. We all need to do what is right for our situation.


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## ossian (Dec 5, 2016)

Sassycakes said:


> After my DIL had my 2 grandson's she wanted to go back to work. My son got a second job so she could stay home. Even after he got the job she still insisted on going back to work. So I watched the 2 boys every day. I was a lot younger then and truthfully I loved it. Now it is 20yrs later and I am a loooot older. My daughter had her baby 6 yrs ago. She decided after the baby came that she wanted to stay home with  her baby. Now that my granddaughter is in school,my daughter was offered the job as a substitute school nurse. My daughter is an RN and worked in a children's hospital before the baby was born. She won't ask us to babysit  unless it is an emergency . She said my Husband and I deserve to rest and take care of ourselves and to stop worry about helping everyone else. I wish I could do more for her,but she is right. I am not young anymore.



She is right and it is great that she recognises that. You can still enjoy your grandkids - but in smaller doses.


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## Wilberforce (Dec 5, 2016)

But right for the situation means making a choice for yourself not doing things according to some unwritten rule. I would personally be very upset if any family member did something for me out of guilt or duty etc . I am perfectly able to take a no answer if I ask for something and would give the same respect to someone else. I hate the idea of being patronized and have someone doing something they don't want to do or can't do. Honesty is vey dear to me and I expect those around me to be honest too.  If I ask for something and the answer is no my family have no need to feel guilty as they know exactly how I feel and it works very well for us all.


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## AprilSun (Dec 9, 2016)

maggiemae said:


> Do you feel quilty when you just have to say "no" about keeping the grandkids?  My daughter lives close by and with the holidays coming, I think she expects us (me and husband) to have the kids here for the two weeks they are out of school while she works.  A day or two is alright but 2 weeks is a bit much.  The five year old is hard to keep entertained for that many days.  Don't get me wrong, I love them more than anything but I did not retire to babysit.  Am I just a selfish old grandma?



Don't let it make you feel guilty! I say do everything you can with your husband while you still have him! I say that from experience. One of ours wanted us to keep her kids while she worked and my husband said right then, "No. We've already raised our kids!" and now after he has passed away and I'm looking back, I'm glad I didn't object because his way, we had more time to do with each other but had we kept the grandkids, we would have been tied down so that we couldn't get out and enjoy each other while we still could.


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## aeron (Dec 9, 2016)

We love having our grandkids stay with us.  There's so many bad examples we can and do set!  We let them stay up late (the g'daughters 12 and her brother's ten) we let them get filthy playing on the beach nearby, I teach them how to be REALLY rude in Welsh which our dil hates 'cos her family are posh, and all sorts of things that only very wicked g'parents can do such as how to make a catapult, how to make a bow and arrows and practical jokes such as putting cling film across the toilet but under the seat.

But that's just us.  We are the sort of elderly people that parents warn each other to keep their kids well clear of.


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## jujube (Dec 9, 2016)

aeron said:


> We love having our grandkids stay with us.  There's so many bad examples we can and do set!  We let them stay up late (the g'daughters 12 and her brother's ten) we let them get filthy playing on the beach nearby, I teach them how to be REALLY rude in Welsh which our dil hates 'cos her family are posh, and all sorts of things that only very wicked g'parents can do such as how to make a catapult, how to make a bow and arrows and practical jokes such as putting cling film across the toilet but under the seat.
> 
> But that's just us.  We are the sort of elderly people that parents warn each other to keep their kids well clear of.



Oh, I DO so enjoy being a bad influence on the grands.  I seem to be in the minority but I'd probably _pay_ to have the privilege of taking care of those babies.  I get the three-year-old at least once a week and I'm looking forward to the nine-month-old getting old enough to go on Crazy Meemaw adventures.  Unfortunately, the great-grandbaby lives several states away, so I can only be a bad influence a few times a year.


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## Brookswood (Dec 17, 2016)

As a retired person you obviously have more time than you need and no way to fill it up. You sit around all day waiting and praying for something anything  interesting to happen and break up the boredom.   Right? 

Give a list of a few days you will babysit and let them figure out the rest on their own.


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## Wilberforce (Dec 17, 2016)

Brookswod, why would you think a retied person has more time than they need, many move slower and things take longer that uses up time

The idea of sitting around all day praying for something to happen and breakup the boredom is ...well you know what it is. I think you are joking...right?

 I am busy from the moment I get out of bed to the moment I go to bed, I am never idle, even when I have to sit I am doing something,I never am doing nothing, never, certainly am not waiting for  something to happen. I have worked all my life, in the home and out, I have done volunteer work all my life too and I don't mean 1 afternoon a week either. As one thing changes another takes it's place, my legs don't work so well but I do a tremendous amount of things not on my legs. It has never stopped me working.. oh boy I actually wish I could do what you suggest for an afternoon just to see what it feels like LOL.


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## Brookswood (Dec 18, 2016)

Jeannine said:


> Brookswod, why would you think a retied person has more time than they need, many move slower and things take longer that uses up time
> 
> .



I see that my attempt at being humorous by taking and extreme opposite view was a failure.   My apologies.   I was attempting to make fun of all those people who think retired folks have nothing to fill up their hours with. We just sit on the porch in our rocking chairs waiting for time to pass.  Of course, I realize you and the rest of us can be as busy as we wish to be.  My apologies for the misunderstanding.


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## NancyNGA (Dec 18, 2016)

Brookswood said:


> I see that my attempt at being humorous by taking and extreme opposite view was a failure.   My apologies.   I was attempting to make fun of all those people who think retired folks have nothing to fill up their hours with. We just sit on the porch in our rocking chairs waiting for time to pass.  Of course, I realize you and the rest of us can be as busy as we wish to be.  My apologies for the misunderstanding.



I got it the first time Brookswood.  Maybe you should use more smilies, particularly rolleyes.    :lol:


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## Wilberforce (Dec 21, 2016)

Yeah as I said I figurd you were joking


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## DaveA (Dec 21, 2016)

To be honest, I often wonder why people complain (or they sound like they're complaining) about how busy they are, busier than when they worked? if that what one chooses to make of their retirement, so-be-it, but to be a busy person and complain or expect sympathy is ridiculous.

When retired, aside from crippling illness of some sort, most of us could and should be as busy as we choose.  Sometimes we are caught up in family situations where our help is needed and we have to forego our own pleasure and shoulder a bit of the load for a short period.  isn't that what families are about?  

Some of my days I'm busy and others are highlighted by a good afternoon nap.  My point is that the choice is mine and I needn't complain about sleeping to much or being too busy, at least IMHO.


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## Wilberforce (Dec 23, 2016)

I think that all day long we prioritize just as we did when we were working. I choose to be busy I always did but the activities may have changed a bit over the years, eg I no longer dance but I do knit lace. I am in a position where I can juggle priorities yet stay busy. I would love to be able to stop in the afternoon and take a nap in the afternoon especially as my doctor has been trying to get me to do that for some time but it just doesn't work for me, I get impatient watching the clock.

My activities are decided by my pain level at the time, yesterday apart from the usual stuff I baked a ton of shortbread and did a lot of embroidery, not a very active day. Today I have shoveled snow twice, that's pretty amazing for me but tomorrow I will pay for that. If I needed to  baby sit a grandchild I would do so but it would be on the clear understanding that the activities would be what I was capable of on that day. If I had to run around after them it is likely I would struggle but if we could paint , read, bake or do crafts I would in all probability be OK.

I think we need to consider these things before we say yes or no to babysitting.I would not be able to do it on a regular basis but in an emergency I would cope even if I paid dearly for it the next few days.

I would never complain about being busy, it is the way I choose to live, I enjoy a busy life...and I do have a crippling illness but one does what one can up to ones own limit


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## OneEyedDiva (Dec 26, 2016)

"NO!" is a very freeing word. I am learning to use it more often. Of course one can soften the No in the way it's said.  There's no need to feel guilty, especially when one feels that he/she is being taken advantage of, taken for granted or being made a fool of. My neighbor-friend directly in the apartment over mine is about 76 years old. She started watching her grandson about a year and a half ago when he was barely two. His parents bring him here every day rather than put him into a pre-school. I don't think that's fair to my neighbor or the child. She's good because I wouldn't do it.  She said she was going to tell them to put him in pre-school by this past September but apparently either she didn't or they couldn't get him in somewhere. One has to start real early around here to find daycare for children.


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## Dragonlady (Dec 31, 2016)

I babysit my great grandson on Wednesdays and his maternal grandmother does so on Fridays. The other days he goes to preschool. I guess it depends on why they are asking you to babysit. Are they working low wage jobs or living in an area where living expenses are out of sight. Preschool has become very expensive and may really strap a young couple for cash. I have no problem saying no when it seems appropriate to me. I also have no problem saying Yes when I feel it's indicated


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## dearimee (Feb 5, 2017)

I'm not sure what to think about this. I use to keep my GDs 9&11 every other weekend. They were learning to cook and help me do things but meanwhile they spent a lot of time on the two pc's so I didn't have to entertain them all the time. The oldest had trouble keeping up with her type 1 diabetes and get her dad all upset and to tell the truth I couldn't keep up either. My son got upset with me about it, but it didn't keep him from letting them spend five days during the holidays. So now it's been a month since. I've called and talked to them and mentioned their coming to visit but that's all I've gotten. I've seen son twice since then, but if the subject is raised he says something offhand and it's dropped. I did ask him to ask the kids if they want to come or not but not just to make me happy but will he tell me if they said no? I'm just short of asking point blank but having reservations because I may not really want to know the answer.  Also, the girls are getting to the age where they might not want to spend time with a boring 70s something old woman but have other interests now.


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## WhatInThe (Mar 11, 2017)

It all depends on the individuals, situation, one's personal code etc. I will say be careful about making open ended courtesy offers that most never collect on. Don't let anyone take you for granted. It's not one's job to watch the grandkids it's one's kindness.


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