# Over 80, Is it better alone or with someone?



## Manatee (Feb 7, 2019)

This was asked on a previous thread.  This one is for the octogenarians. Would you remarry, cohabitate or stay single?


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## RadishRose (Feb 7, 2019)

Stay single. In case he died first, I couldn't handle more grief .


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## Tommy (Feb 7, 2019)

Several years after my wife's father died, her mother started keeping company with a long time family friend who was a widower.  They each still lived in their own homes, but they spent a lot of time together.  Met most mornings at a local cafe for breakfast, often did activities during the day, and frequently would share supper and watch TV in the evenings.  It was an excellent arrangement as it kept both of them active - physically, mentally, and socially.

I believe this probably worked particularly well for them because they (the two couples) had been good friends for decades prior to losing their spouses. Both also had family in the area.


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## RadishRose (Feb 7, 2019)

Tommy said:


> Several years after my wife's father died, her mother started keeping company with a long time family friend who was a widower.  They each still lived in their own homes, but they spent a lot of time together.  Met most mornings at a local cafe for breakfast, often did activities during the day, and frequently would share supper and watch TV in the evenings.  It was an excellent arrangement as it kept both of them active - physically, mentally, and socially.
> 
> I believe this probably worked particularly well for them because they (the two couples) had been good friends for decades prior to losing their spouses. Both also had family in the area.



That sounds like a good arrangement. Still friends, maybe a little closer. Companionship.


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## AZ Jim (Feb 7, 2019)

My beloved wife just passed (1-30-19).  I am 82.  I could never love again.  My fondest wish is to be back with my baby in the hereafter.


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## tortiecat (Feb 8, 2019)

After  60 years of marriage, being widowed for 8 years, I have
no interest in another relationship.  I am enjoying my independence
very much.


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## Aunt Bea (Feb 8, 2019)

Tommy said:


> Several years after my wife's father died, her mother started keeping company with a long time family friend who was a widower. They each still lived in their own homes, but they spent a lot of time together. Met most mornings at a local cafe for breakfast, often did activities during the day, and frequently would share supper and watch TV in the evenings. It was an excellent arrangement as it kept both of them active - physically, mentally, and socially.
> 
> I believe this probably worked particularly well for them because they (the two couples) had been good friends for decades prior to losing their spouses. Both also had family in the area.



That sounds perfect to me.

At this point in my life, I don't want to see a U-Haul truck pulling up out front.


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## CeeCee (Feb 8, 2019)

I don’t think I could live with someone else at this point in my life...in fact I know I can’t ....after my husband died someone that I met from Ohio moved in with me...didn’t work, lots of reasons why but a major one was I’m used to doing things my way.

Id love to find someone that I like to do things with but ideally they would live elsewhere...not too far though...close enough so that he can come quickly when I call and say I need a smoke alarm battery changed.....just kidding...kind of.


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## hollydolly (Feb 8, 2019)

CeeCee said:


> I don’t think I could live with someone else at this point in my life...in fact I know I can’t ....after my husband died someone that I met from Ohio moved in with me...didn’t work, lots of reasons why but a major one was I’m used to doing things my way.
> 
> *Id love to find someone that I like to do things with but ideally they would live elsewhere...not too far though...close enough so that he can come quickly when I call and say I need a smoke alarm battery changed...*..just kidding...kind of.



I know _exactly_ what you mean!! That's how I would be if something happened to my o/h. 

I wouldn't want to live as a partner again with anyone.


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## AprilSun (Feb 8, 2019)

CeeCee said:


> Id love to find someone that I like to do things with but ideally they would live elsewhere...not too far though...close enough so that he can come quickly when I call and say I need a smoke alarm battery changed.....just kidding...kind of.



That's exactly the way I feel. I would love to have someone I could get out and do things with occasionally but not to live with.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Feb 8, 2019)

I doubt I could ever get use to another persons ways at this point in my life. Truth be told, I went straight from living with my parents to getting married. Should something happen to my hubby I'd like to give living alone a try. I'm sure my kids will have other ideas. I'm grateful that they care but I'm sure their well meaning  advice will make my head spin.


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## fmdog44 (Feb 11, 2019)

About 20 years ago I saw a couple I believed to be in their 90s walking in a store parking lot holding hands. I have never forgotten that imageand wondered how long they have been together. My guess is since they were very young.


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## Sunny (Feb 13, 2019)

Ruth, I went straight from my parents' home to marriage also. Probably most of us did in those days. When my husband passed away nearly 9 years ago, that was the first time I ever had to live alone. I miss him (still), but I have been surprised at how much I enjoy the independence of living alone. I have absolutely no interest in living with anyone else.

I do know several people who have one of those "friendship" kind of relationships, where they each live in their own home, but spend lots of time together and sometimes travel together. They seem to have the best of both worlds.


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## WhatInThe (Mar 4, 2019)

Alot of the same variables apply as if you were younger. Marriage is a formality. If you want to live with someone and trust them go for it. If you are really independent stay single until incapacitated. Alot of insurance pays for light routine home care now a days. Get your doctor to prescribe it if assistance is what you are really worried about.


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## Catlady (Mar 14, 2019)

Tommy said:


> Several years after my wife's father died, her mother started keeping company with a long time family friend who was a widower.  They each still lived in their own homes, but they spent a lot of time together.  Met most mornings at a local cafe for breakfast, often did activities during the day, and frequently would share supper and watch TV in the evenings.  It was an excellent arrangement as it kept both of them active - physically, mentally, and socially.  I believe this probably worked particularly well for them because they (the two couples) had been good friends for decades prior to losing their spouses. Both also had family in the area.



I am 76 now, in my 60's that is exactly what I wanted to find, a platonic "buddy" like your MIL found.   I never had any luck with romantic relationships, and when I tried getting ''just friends'' the guy would get insulted.  Now in my 70's I've become even more of a loner and set in my ways and I also would be very heartbroken if a friend died on me.  So, at this point in my life I prefer to be alone except for the company of my cats.  Life is good as long as I can be independent and able to take care of myself.


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## Patnono (Mar 18, 2019)

I think that's fine, but if you have kids that live close by?  You should give them a key to your house, or wear one of those life alert  thing's?  My mom was living alone.  My niece came by to see her, she didn't answer, so luckily she had a key, my mom had fallen down from a heart attack.  So from there my brother Whose her legal guardian made her move to my sister's house.  Have you considered a roommate? So you could still live in your home?  The downside for my mom is that once he moved out, seems like she's given up on LIVING?  Because she's lost her Independence I feel?  She used to have breakfast with her friends, now she's lost that. She just stays in bed ALL the time, except for the bathroom.


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## Linda (Mar 18, 2019)

If people want Independence and are enjoying life why not let them be?  Patnono's mother might have preferred to die early but have breakfast with friends etc as long as she could.  My, very independent mom died just after her 65th BD but at lest she lived the way she wanted to till she laid down on her couch and died.  Her mom died (in her 70s) the same way after living independently for about 20 years.  I always tell my kids I hope I just lay down on the couch and die when it's my time to go.   I don't know if I'd want to live alone or not.  I got married just after I turned 16 and both of us are still kicking.  I do like my space but he is good about giving me plenty of room so it works out fine.


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## Patnono (Mar 18, 2019)

Excuse me but you don't know my mom to say what she preferred?  So if you saw your mother on the floor you would leave her there?  We CARED enough about her to realize that she could no longer live ALONE, so you would be making a BAD decision letting her to live ALONE knowing she shouldn't be ALONE to let her SUFFER???


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## C'est Moi (Mar 18, 2019)

Manatee said:


> This was asked on a previous thread.  This one is for the octogenarians. Would you remarry, cohabitate or stay single?



Manatee--I'm not sure how many octogenarians have responded.      I'm not there yet so I'll refrain from answering.   Are you considering remarrying or just curious?


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## Lara (Mar 19, 2019)

WhatInThe said:


> ...Alot of insurance pays for light routine home care now a days...


"Alot of insurance"? Aren't all seniors on Medicare?


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## Patnono (Mar 21, 2019)

Only if you're 65 and older, if some want to buy additional medical, I think it's called Part B?  Regular Medicare only pays 80%of your Bill


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## Manatee (Mar 25, 2019)

C'est Moi said:


> Manatee--I'm not sure how many octogenarians have responded.      I'm not there yet so I'll refrain from answering.   Are you considering remarrying or just curious?



Just curious, we are both still hanging in there at 84 and 85 years old.

My sister who is 90 and has been widowed for more than 20 years. lives in a 4 bedroom house.  Her grandson, his wife and 2 great granddaughters moved in with her.  She loves it.


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## Patnono (Mar 25, 2019)

That's Great for your sister, as long as there's mutual respect about the different ages.  It's good the two of you are doing well.  My mom was doing good living alone we came by checking on her. But unfortunately my niece stopped by and found her on the floor, she'd had a heart attack.  We don't know how long she was there for?  My brothers made a decision she couldn't live alone anymore, plus she has dementia.  That decision should have been made long ago, but they gave into her.  So take care and enjoy your Independence.


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## WhatInThe (Apr 4, 2019)

Lara said:


> "Alot of insurance"? Aren't all seniors on Medicare?



There are still optional plans and hmo style plans. I've recommended to some people and they say their plan doesn't cover it because it isn't a hmo type plan. They have something similar to old school BC that will pay after the fact. Ironically their plan is more expensive but they carry a no or extremely low deductible/copay plan.

As far as being alone I think living with someone would evolve naturally overtime. That arrangement probably works best if more organic. If someone has to ask or be asked I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing. I've known people who have their adult children with them and others where their adult children absolutely refuse to stay with them, maybe the rare occasional overnight stay.

 I've known others who have periodically shopped retirement homes for the last 20 years. They can afford it, it will be some work but they can afford it so it's a 100% viable option for them. Their biggest gripe is the travel to store etc but I don't all homes alleviate that. 

I'm starting to see more stuff about integrating seniors and young in the same communities. Even read where nursing/long term care facilities about to peak out if they haven't already.


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## Mollypops (Apr 4, 2019)

I am 65 and have been divorced for 25 years. I do enjoy a mans company and enjoy going out on dates from time to time, but I am not sure I will ever marry again. Like it has been said by other members on here, I couldn't deal with the grief of losing a spouse if he passed before me.


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## Patnono (Apr 4, 2019)

Where do you live?  I live in California where it's impossible to find affordable housing.  A 1 bedroom in senior complex is around $3,000 a month.  There is a long waiting list for affordable housing. I've been looking for a room to rent, my gosh seems that they want me to pay their mortgage?  If seniors can for their own well being live with someone their comfortable with.  Like I've mentioned, my mother who lived alone, was found on the floor having suffered a heart attack.


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## WhatInThe (Apr 4, 2019)

Patnono said:


> Where do you live?  I live in California where it's impossible to find affordable housing.  A 1 bedroom in senior complex is around $3,000 a month.  There is a long waiting list for affordable housing. I've been looking for a room to rent, my gosh seems that they want me to pay their mortgage?  If seniors can for their own well being live with someone their comfortable with.  Like I've mentioned, my mother who lived alone, was found on the floor having suffered a heart attack.



I'm stunned too at room costs. It's tough to find a studio under 1k yet some places you can rent a house. The problem with housing now is over the last 10-15 years so much was bought by investors and corporation who took a lot of independent landlords off the market.

Regardless I know people who would rather be found deceased in their home, apartment etc and verbally stated that. After a certain point most realize the end is near or they're not immortal. Condolences for your mother. But like many seniors she probably wanted to avoid hospitals and didn't want to be burdened by financial matters. I saw too many go in a hospital. It's cleaner for family and friends but the patient is another story.

Funny thing is I know people who want it both ways. Live alone but want a lot of friends and family to go out with.


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## Patnono (Apr 4, 2019)

Thank you, forgot to mention she survived her heart attack, but also has dementia.  My brother is his legal guardian made the decision to move her to my sister's house.  After that losing her Independence, she physically went down hill.  Now she stays in bed %95 of the time, only going to the bathroom.  She's given up.  Places I found are more reasonable are away from the city towards the desert.  I'm scared for myself, I have a landlord that's greedy, just raised my rent about $200 including that she's requiring me to purchase renters insurance.  I don't have anywhere to go, living on savings and SSI.  I've been trying to find a job, I'm sure you know that's like finding a needle in a haystack.


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## AZ Jim (Apr 4, 2019)

Curious....When did 65 become a octogenarian?


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## Patnono (Apr 4, 2019)

I didn't see that anybody said that?  It's just safer, we are an easy mark for those that want to take advantage of us.  A senior citizen was robbed in broad daylight in a Walmart parking lot.  I do what I can so that I won't be a victim.  I have a senior friend whose 85, she feels very vulnerable when she goes out.  So I assist her when I can.  Better Safe then Sorry.


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## Mollypops (Apr 4, 2019)

AZ Jim said:


> Curious....When did 65 become a octogenarian?


 I am 65 and never really said I am an octogenarian. I was just referring to if I ever met a man and it got serious enough where the discussion of marriage came up I highly doubt I would go down that road because I would not want to deal with the grief of a spouse passing away if they would pass before me.


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## Patnono (Apr 4, 2019)

Everybody should live their lives how they feel...


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## Connie (May 25, 2019)

Personally I don't think an older person should live alone.  During the day???? Sure.  At night... No. Just my thoughts.


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## Patnono (May 25, 2019)

If that's someone your involved with wouldn't you grieve for them?  You don't have to be Married


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## Patnono (May 25, 2019)

Why Not if their able to?  My mother did until she couldn't.


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## fmdog44 (May 25, 2019)

Manatee said:


> This was asked on a previous thread.  This one is for the octogenarians. Would you remarry, cohabitate or stay single?


For sure I would leave out he _*"til death do you part"*_  bit


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## Patnono (May 25, 2019)

Agreed


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## KingsX (May 27, 2019)

*

I'm not close to  80... but I'm putting my two cents worth in anyway 

Because my two siblings were much older than me,  I was mostly raised as an only child.

I learned early how to entertain myself and do things on my own and like it.

I married early but was only married for three years.  My only child was autistic [little verbal communication]... so even though he lived with me for 38 years until he suddenly unexpectedly died during a seizure... it was like being alone.  

Ironically, although I am now totally alone for the first time in my life... I haven't noticed much difference... except I have more freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it.  I'm still getting used to that !  

 I plan to stay single the rest of my life.

*


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## KingsX (May 27, 2019)

AZ Jim said:


> My beloved wife just passed (1-30-19).  I am 82.  I could never love again.  My fondest wish is to be back with my baby in the hereafter.




So sorry for your great loss.

I felt the same way after my only child died six years ago [see my previous post.]
After years of grief...  I discovered it is really true... time does heal all wounds.

.


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## KingsX (May 27, 2019)

WhatInThe said:


> I know people who would rather be found deceased in their home, apartment etc and verbally stated that. After a certain point most realize the end is near or they're not immortal. Condolences for your mother. But like many seniors she probably wanted to avoid hospitals and didn't want to be burdened by financial matters.




That's me!

I hope to die peacefully at home... even though it might be quite a while before anyone notices !  

.


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## Patnono (May 27, 2019)

Sorry for your loss, take advantage of your new found freedom.  Life is Short, Enjoy


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## Autumn72 (Mar 16, 2022)

Sunny said:


> Ruth, I went straight from my parents' home to marriage also. Probably most of us did in those days. When my husband passed away nearly 9 years ago, that was the first time I ever had to live alone. I miss him (still), but I have been surprised at how much I enjoy the independence of living alone. I have absolutely no interest in living with anyone else.
> 
> I do know several people who have one of those "friendship" kind of relationships, where they each live in their own home, but spend lots of time together and sometimes travel together. They seem to have the best of both worlds.


And I can bet that neither one is on here.


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## Tabby Ann (Aug 18, 2022)

I enjoy having my own home but it would be nice to have mutually beneficial companionship outside the home to share intellectual companionship as well as whatever physical help each could provide.


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## win231 (Aug 18, 2022)

I think it depends on who that "someone" is, and what they expect.


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## NorthernLight (Aug 18, 2022)

WhatInThe said:


> Alot of the same variables apply as if you were younger. Marriage is a formality. If you want to live with someone and trust them go for it.


Marriage is more than a formality. If you're not the legal spouse, someone else is the next of kin. Even if they didn't get along with your loved one or hadn't seen them in years, they get to make the decisions when something happens. And they can be very cruel to the "outsider." I found this out the hard way. My fiancé would never have wanted me to be treated like a nobody, but legally that's what I was.


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## WheatenLover (Aug 19, 2022)

I do not like living alone. I like to have people around, and at least one dog. I do, however, like being alone. I have to have a room where I can go to be alone. When my daughter visited CA for a couple of weeks last December, I enjoyed having the house to myself.

I quite like the idea of having a platonic friend to be a companion as I get older, but not actually live with me. This is assuming I have a dog, an alarm system, and cameras to keep me safe. And hearing aids if I need them. My mother took hers out at night (of course), but then she couldn't hear anything that may have alarmed her. I read too many mysteries.

I have not lived alone since I was 23 years old. First, I lived with and married my ex-husband. After that, I lived with friends for a few months, then with my current husband. When he moved to Boston, I lived with my ex-husband and a friend of ours. Then I moved to Boston and got married, had 4 kids.

I thought I'd be living alone here, except at night, but all four kids moved in. The boys ended up moving to CA, and my daughter stayed with me. Now my daughter is in CA too, and one of my sons lives with me.  My son and I are moving next week to live with my cousin.

When I stayed at my mom's house for 5 months after she died, my ex-husband usually spent the night with me (he slept in the guest room). I was too nervous to sleep in a house alone; I tried it. When a fireball went through my bedroom I had no idea what it was. It was lightning, but I got really spooked thinking it was my mother. I never heard of a fireball before. Sometimes I slept at my stepdaughter's house.

My ex and I have been friends for most of my life. Always platonic, except when we were married.


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## Tabby Ann (Aug 30, 2022)

Manatee said:


> This was asked on a previous thread. This one is for the octogenarians. Would you remarry, cohabitate or stay single?


It’s a good question without a simple answer. Marriage implies a romantic relationship and a degree of togetherness many of us over 80 are not in the market for. However, cohabitation with a platonic friend and a good amount of privacy has many practical advantages from financial, to intellectual, to medical to shared physical chores. But this assumes one has a large enough home to accommodate such privacy. Staying single with a good friend living near by would be ideal, but there is very little opportunity for the elderly to meet and become friends.


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## Tabby Ann (Aug 30, 2022)

C'est Moi said:


> Manatee--I'm not sure how many octogenarians have responded.  I'm not there yet so I'll refrain from answering. Are you considering remarrying or just curious?


In any thread posted for the elderly (otogenarians) you always have senior citizens 55 to 75 popping up and telling their elders how to live. And many Seniors are as clueless about the aging and dying process as teenagers and they don’t seem to want to listen and learn. I guess they can’t face their own mortality.


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## Lara (Aug 31, 2022)

I'm not 80 yet but maybe someday. So when that day comes I think it might be fun to have a male friend to meet up with for conversation and shared activities of like interest. I've got 3 daughters who pretty much converse with me daily. It's wonderful but it's not the same. I wouldn't want to live together though because (pause...thinking) we might find we're too set in our ways which may destroy the friendship.


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## Jackie23 (Aug 31, 2022)

At my age I don't even like an overnight guest much less a
husband that would want to............stay longer.


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## Alligatorob (Aug 31, 2022)

Still 10 years short of 80, and my wife is pretty healthy.  But this is still a good question to ponder.  At some age it happens to almost half of all married people.


NorthernLight said:


> Marriage is more than a formality. If you're not the legal spouse, someone else is the next of kin.


Good point, the legal aspects of marriage are a related but different issue from relationship things.  Something we all should be planning for.


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## Gaer (Aug 31, 2022)

Not 80 yet, but it's getting closer and closer.
If I were ill, I would want to be alone.
But, I feel great, so I'm open to all possibilities.
Loving life either way.  Love being alone and 
would love a big, hunky man hanging around.


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## mrstime (Aug 31, 2022)

I'll be 83 in a couple of months, DH and I were married 65 years June 10th this year. If he goes first I would not consider another. Where would I find a man who would put up with me? Then I would be totally uninterested in another man anyway.


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## Tabby Ann (Aug 31, 2022)

I think many elderly people would enjoy having a casual companion nearby who could share conversation, dinners and mutual help and support as able. However, there aren't reliable networks and places for the elderly to meet each other. The standard suggestions made by seniors who aren't elderly don't take into consideration that those with mobility issues cannot run out and join most of the local clubs including the senior citizens clubs which are poorly equipped to provide services and social recreation for the elderly. Dating sites are notorious for scammers and liars and senior forums like this have such far flung members it's difficult to find anyone in your area.


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## Tabby Ann (Aug 31, 2022)

AZ Jim said:


> Curious....When did 65 become a octogenarian?


65 isn't an octogenarian. It's a senior citizen at best. And some senior citizens are as clueless about the aging process after 80 as teenagers.  But they always want to jump in and say what they would do in the future and what their elders should do.


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## Manatee (Sep 6, 2022)

C'est Moi said:


> Manatee--I'm not sure how many octogenarians have responded.      I'm not there yet so I'll refrain from answering.   Are you considering remarrying or just curious?


My wife of 63 years has been in a nursing home for a year and a half.  I am not looking to replace her, but her prospects are not good.

In 12 years I will be 100, if I am still around.


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## funsearcher! (Sep 6, 2022)

I am not 80, not for quite a few more years. 
Lived alone after I was divorced, which was fine until I retired and Covid shutdowns came. 
I have a female roommate now. 
If I had a relationship going forward, I would have to see how it felt with the man, being together or apart would just depend on our relationship. Don't know until I live it.


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## Nathan (Sep 6, 2022)

> Over 80, Is it better alone or with someone?


Good question, food for thought.  I've got ten years[hopefully] to ponder that, couldn't really say right now 
with any certainty.


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