# Terrible problem I caused and I don't know how to fix it. Need advice!



## WheatenLover (Dec 26, 2018)

I have a 2nd cousin who is the only family member on my mother's side who lives in the US. We are not close but we are family, so when we talk (infrequently) we get along fine. I doubt either of us would choose the other for a friend, though, because we don't have much in common.

His wife died this past April from breast cancer. My adult daughter, who lives with me, handled the condolences. I did nothing. Except the selfish thing -- I was totally upset by this situation. We never "clicked", but I admired and respected his wife very much. The last time we talked or saw each other was when her daughter was an infant ... so 25+ years ago. It is just so wrong when a fine person like his wife dies so young (she was 60). She had a ton of friends and family and was well-loved. She had 2 young grandchldren. Dogs ... very involved in dog world. Elected town clerk. Just a super good person.

Well, my cousin texted me Merry Christmas on Christmas Eve. I haven't responded. Why not? I don't know what to do to fix this. And this is his first Christmas without his wife of 37 years. They were very close.

How could I have kept putting off talking to him about his wife's death? It's been 8 months since then.

Any ideas on how I can fix this? There is no excuse for my behavior -- or rather, lack thereof.

Thank you for your help!


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## Keesha (Dec 26, 2018)

Death is uncomfortable for most people except the morbid or exceptionally spiritual. Just put your big girl pants on and deal with it. Wish the guy a Merry Christmas. All you have to say is I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it’s been a while but I really liked her. Once you get that far, you’ve broken the ice. You’re making this more complicated than it needs to be.


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## SeaBreeze (Dec 26, 2018)

WheatenLover said:


> Well, my cousin texted me Merry Christmas on Christmas Eve. I haven't responded. Why not? I don't know what to do to fix this. And this is his first Christmas without his wife of 37 years. They were very close.
> 
> How could I have kept putting off talking to him about his wife's death? It's been 8 months since then.
> 
> ...



It's only been a couple of days since he texted you.  If I were you, I would contact him tomorrow, preferably by phone if possible.  If that's not possible, then at least by email, not just a text.  Apologize for not responding sooner and wish him well in the new year. 

 Talk a little bit about his wife if he seems to want to, he may need some support since she was such a good person and so beloved in the community....he must be feeling very sad for the holidays and misses her deeply.  I think if you take the time to reach out to him personally, you'll both feel better afterwards.  You don't have to start a long term relationship, but anyone who has lost a dear spouse is hurting and should get some comfort especially from family and especially at this time of year.


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## terry123 (Dec 27, 2018)

Keesha said:


> Death is uncomfortable for most people except the morbid or exceptionally spiritual. Just put your big girl pants on and deal with it. Wish the guy a Merry Christmas. All you have to say is I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it’s been a while but I really liked her. Once you get that far, you’ve broken the ice. You’re making this more complicated than it needs to be.


What Keesha said!


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## Aunt Bea (Dec 27, 2018)

I agree with Keesha that you are allowing your guilt to make this more complicated than it needs to be.

The important thing is to respond, wish him a Happy New Year and go from there.


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## hollydolly (Dec 27, 2018)

SeaBreeze said:


> It's only been a couple of days since he texted you.  If I were you, I would contact him tomorrow, preferably by phone if possible.  If that's not possible, then at least by email, not just a text.  Apologize for not responding sooner and wish him well in the new year.
> 
> Talk a little bit about his wife if he seems to want to, he may need some support since she was such a good person and so beloved in the community....he must be feeling very sad for the holidays and misses her deeply.  I think if you take the time to reach out to him personally, you'll both feel better afterwards.  You don't have to start a long term relationship, but anyone who has lost a dear spouse is hurting and should get some comfort especially from family and especially at this time of year.



Good advice....


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## Ken N Tx (Dec 27, 2018)

I never bring up the death of a spouse unless the other person does..


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## debbie in seattle (Dec 27, 2018)

As I am still dealing with the death of my husband, any form of communication is better than nothing.   Can’t tell you who was kind enough to get ahold of me, but I certainly remember who wasn’t !


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## moviequeen1 (Dec 27, 2018)

HI Wheatenlover the sooner you call and talk to your cousin the better you will feel about this. I give you an example what I do 
As the head of my church's prayer circle group,I've sent many sympathy cards over the past 8 yrs to church members some I don't even know.In my note,I express our sympathies to him/her rest of their families, keeping them in our nightly prayers..Once in awhile,I'll receive a heartfelt thankyou note from the person
I hope this helps you Sue


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## Buckeye (Dec 27, 2018)

Lost my second wife a little over 2 years ago, and I have no idea about who offered condolences and who didn't.  I guess I never thought about it.  We were living in Hawaii, and virtually all of our families were on the east coast, 6 hour time difference, and it just wasn't an issue then or now.  Reach out to you cousin, and if he brings it up, express your condolences.


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## RadishRose (Dec 27, 2018)

What SeaBreeze said. When you ask how he's feeling, he'll probably bring up the loss of his wife. Do it soon.  It is often very uncomfortable for people to console someone after a death....so afraid to say "the wrong thing". Don't over-think it. :love_heart:


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## Pepper (Dec 27, 2018)

I disagree.  YOU should mention his wife first.  Hard to believe what people are afraid of and what they are not.  Death isn't catching.  When my husband died suddenly I learned so much about the excuses folks have for not being able to choke out the words "I'm sorry for your loss."  You'll be doing your cousin a blessing not to wait for him to mention the biggest thing in his life.  Put yourself in his shoes, or anyone else who has lost someone close.  Show him compassion and SAY IT.


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## applecruncher (Dec 27, 2018)

I agree with Pepper.  The pain felt by a grieving spouse is much more important than someone else feeling "uncomfortable". 

It's not a "terrible problem you caused", but you need to say _something_ - now.


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## Linda (Dec 27, 2018)

What I would do is answer him the same way he got in touch with you.  I think you said text or email.  I'd just say "I am sure this was a very hard holiday for you to get through with out "wife's name".  I've been thinking about you and hope you are doing OK."  He probably is aware as you are that the two of you don't have a lot in common, why feel guilty about it? The fact that you didn't get in touch with him when his wife died is regrettable but its not the end of the world.  Unless you have a time travel machine, I'd stop thinking about it.  Maybe he'll answer your text and mention his wife again and at that time you could bring up some things about her that you really liked. 

A lot of people don't like to get phone calls.  I have a friend who screens all her calls and seldom picks up the phone.  A lot of seniors have hearing problems too.  

One thing that works well if you have an iphone, download Marco Polo and you can make short videos to talk to a friend or relative.  I send 3 or 4 minute videos to various people every so often.


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## Butterfly (Dec 27, 2018)

WheatenLover, clearly your cousin cares about you or he would not have contacted you.  I would get back to him right away and just go with the flow.  I bet you are feeling a lot worse about your perceived social error than he is.  Just be a friend to him NOW, that's what matters.


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## Pinky (Dec 28, 2018)

Butterfly said:


> WheatenLover, clearly your cousin cares about you or he would not have contacted you.  I would get back to him right away and just go with the flow.  I bet you are feeling a lot worse about your perceived social error than he is.  Just be a friend to him NOW, that's what matters.



Yes .. and, all of the above...and I don't see any problem that you think you may have caused.


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## oldman (Dec 29, 2018)

A lot of good advice here. I have nothing to add to it, except, I wouldn’t delay another day in reaching out, if it was my cousin.


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## WhatInThe (Dec 30, 2018)

*tech, distance and very perfuntory relationship*

I have a distant relative who until the last few years traded greeting cards and occasional email. Over the last year or so they got really into the devices like smart phone, I pad etc and linked everything to their email. So now if you don't respond in less than 24 hours 'you don't care'.

 I still treat email like a paper letter, I'll get back but not instantly. Problem is others in the family just exchange communication in texts-not calls or full blown letter but texts. I'm kind of surprised being their age but they seemed to have adapted to certain technologies.

 Personally with privacy concerns I don't like exchanging personal information including email addresses with a phone. I don't even like giving details in email unless it's official business and have told friends and family this with whom I have regular contact-as little detail as possible please. Sometimes I don't even want pronouns like sister, brother uncle etc or a name. With tech keep written conversations vague please. 

Point being there seems to be multiple issues including the use of technology, distance and actual status of the relationship. I will say if you go the tech route it will go at a much faster pace and risk. I can't keep up for costs reasons alone(more expensive reliable devices/service and don't like risking privacy/security). But the good news if you use tech you don't have to sit down and compose a letter or prepare yourself for a long conversation.

You could say technology is a tool you use on occasion but don't dwell, give the past a mention then move on.


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## Citygirl (Dec 30, 2018)

*I agree with most all of the advice that has been given here, but do it very shortly cause the longer you wait the harder it will become. You are really making it harder than it is in my opinion. It is the first big holiday without his wife, & I'm sure it has been an extra hard time for him.*


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