# Seniors, Have You Ever Been A Caregiver,  or Needed One Yourself?



## SeaBreeze (Jun 19, 2014)

Have you every been a caregiver for someone with health issues that could no longer care for themselves?  Or have you yourself been a situation where you needed a personal caregiver?

When I was still working, my husband's father, who was in his 80s, had a major stroke which paralyzed him on one side. He couldn't speak, walk, or do anything for himself anymore.  His wife was also in poor health, and couldn't do what was needed to care for him physically.

We moved them into our home, and we moved our stuff down to the basement.  Luckily I worked days, and my husband worked swing, so we managed to almost always be there to assist them.  They both had wheelchairs, but my father in law needed to be lifted into his, and he couldn't wheel it on his own.  He had no control over his bodily functions, and could not feed himself.  We managed to do all that was needed to make him comfortable and happy as possible.

Luckily, neither of us has needed to have our own personal caregiver, and hopefully that will never happen, but it's a possibility at our age.  We have no children or relatives nearby to help if that happened, so we'd probably have to hire someone to come into the home.


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## Ina (Jun 19, 2014)

My father came to live with my family in '89. He had been in the hospital for three month. He'd had a triple by-pass, and was on an oxygen machine, and could no longer walk. The hospital said he only had about 30 days to live. We bought a hospital bed, and an oxygen machine, and we brought him home. He was 275 lbs., and I weighed 125lbs. He didn't want anyone touching him but me. 

I hadn't seen him since I was 13,when he married me off to a man his age. He didn't like me, but since I was his only biological child, he thought it was my duty.
After some arguements I had to put him diapers, and I had to lift him to clean him, and his bedding. 

I got him a new doctor, and his meds were re-evaluated. I stop him from eating junk food, and only fed him a good lean diet. He lived five more years to the amazement of his doctors, and they told me to just keep on doing whatever it was I was doing.

He never stopped hating me, and would continuely tell me why, until I finally told him, he was biteing the hand that was feeding him. I think that scared him. He liked my husband, so he started chumming it up with him, in an effort to get him to put me in my place. No one has had that power since I was 15.
My father died watching his TV, or in his sleep.
Three weeks later I was in hospital for exhaustion, and stress.


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## SeaBreeze (Jun 19, 2014)

You're an angel for taking care of him Ina, it's sad that he 'hated' you, he must have had deep seated issues, that really had nothing to do with you personally.  It is very exhausting both mentally and physically to care for someone daily who is in that condition.


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## Ina (Jun 19, 2014)

Sea, The problem was I was I girl and not a boy, so he adopted my half-brother, to be able to conyinue his family line.


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## i_am_Lois (Jun 20, 2014)

I was a home health care aid when I lived in Delaware and also worked in a nursing home in Phila.. 
So SeaBreeze I am aware of the whole picture. I know everything you had to do.
Too many daily tasks that require attention, to mention here. 

Sometimes caring for someone with many needs is rewarding. Other times it is physically and emotionally draining.

It is very difficult work taking care of an adult who can no longer care for themselves. 
In some cases the family tries to maintain as much normalcy as possible, while at the same time attending to all the needs of the 'patient'.
It's important not to overlook how things are being done, from the 'patient's' perspective.
Almost all these 'patients' are to some degree depressed about their circumstances.
They need to be treated with respect at this time.
Nobody should talk about them, in their presence, as though they aren't there in the room.
I had many family members who would freely discuss (with me) very personal matters, in front of patients.
I would ask if we could talk in another room.
Once I arrived at a new patient's home. A huge family lived there. Grandchildren, parents, & the grandparents.
Everyone was in the large living-room watching TV. Grandpop was the patient. He'd had a stroke & couldn't speak.
Grandpop was in a chair, with the family group. Grandmom told me Grandpop was very combative when it came time to get washed.
Nobody had been able to clean him properly. He required being pan bathed as he sat in his chair.
As I got all the supplies together, I noticed not one single person got up to leave the room.
I asked Grandmom if they had made all their prior attempts bathing him, under similar circumstances, while the whole family was present.
She said yes. I told her I refused to do it this way and everyone, except for her (his wife) had to leave the room.
While in a private setting, Grandpop allowed me to give him a good cleaning. I even shaved him. He didn't resist anything I did.
We must remember they have feelings, even if they have difficulty expressing them.

It's a long hard road for the caregiver. They often feel isolated because they are no longer free to get up & go enjoy activities.
They essentially give up a good portion of their life and devote it to the care of someone else.
Sometimes this job is far too difficult for some caregivers. They may have their own health issues.
I have seen husbands & wives living together alone with no-one else living in the home to help.
One is completely disabled and the other is suffering trying to deal with the burden solely on their shoulders.
I personally wish that in such situations these kind folk would consider a nursing home as an option.
But the caregiver spouses always leave me with the impression they couldn't live with the guilt of such a decision.
We all do the very best we can. Sometimes our best just isn't good enough. And if that day comes, it should be accepted. There should be no guilt.


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## Phantom (Jun 20, 2014)

> It's a long hard road for the caregiver. They often feel isolated because they are no longer free to get up & go enjoy activities.
> They essentially give up a good portion of their life and devote it to the care of someone else.



Have to agree with you there.I almost feel ashamed of myself starting to enjoy my wife's hospital stay Even then I have not missed one hospital visit to see her


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## Bettyann (Jun 20, 2014)

I have worked as a CNA in hospitals and in nursing homes, but before I retired was doing home care. It is both rewarding as well as very challenging at times, just like Lois said. I am just so sorry that it is SO miserably expensive in this country to hire home care (let alone pay the cost of ass't living or a nursing home)... 
I applaud people who are willing and able to take care of their loved ones in their homes... and I would only say this: you have GOT to live and enjoy your own time and not sacrifice every minute of it tending to them... Just make sure you get out and 'do things'... and maybe hire a caregiver periodically... If you don't LIKE the one that is assigned  to you, DON"T put up with it.... they have plenty more to assign to your case.
A less expensive route is hiring someone who is NOT with an agency... they will have to provide you with the assurance that you are free to do a complete background check on them... The only drawback there is if he/she wants to work 'under the table' there may be a problem with the #$@!! IRS... 
Phantom, trust me, I totally understand... THANK YOU for your honesty... Just somehow make sure you get some breaks. 
And if necessary, people should NOT feel guilty about having to put their loved ones in a nursing home. THERE ARE good ones... It sounds SO noble when you are sacrificing everything...(but regardless of who disagrees with me)... if you feel you are losing your mind, its not going to be worth it. Good luck to you, SeaBreeze!


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## Ina (Jun 20, 2014)

Lois & Bettyann   ...  Bless You


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## SeaBreeze (Jun 20, 2014)

*Lois*, I can't believe they were trying to bathe him with no privacy, I'd be making a fuss too.  When my husband or I attended to his father, it was done in the privacy of his own room, he always seemed to be grateful.  We were very happy to have been able to take them in, and make their last years more pleasant.  

Phantom, it is hard for one person, especially at our age, to care for their spouse alone.  We would do our best, but would get help or do what was needed depending on the circumstances.  Good that you visit her daily, she knows that you love and care for her. :love_heart:

*Bettyann*, it would be nice to just pay someone, perhaps a neighbor who was willing to come in and care for you without all the red-tape involved if they don't work for an established corporation.  They always advertise places like Visiting Angels, but that name would not make me trust the person any more than someone I already knew.


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## i_am_Lois (Jun 22, 2014)

SeaBreeze said:


> *Lois*, I can't believe they were trying to bathe him with no privacy, I'd be making a fuss too.



I am 100% sure the entire family loved grandpop very much. Because of his physical limitations after his stroke, they placed his bed in the dining-room. This made caring for him much simpler for them & him as well. It would have been difficult to get his wheelchair down the narrow hallways. I think that the family simply did not see the dignity issue he encountered while bathing. It was a little matter that needed to be brought to their attention. Other than that, they were doing everything right. Grandpop sat at the kitchen table with the rest of the family at mealtime. Someone would feed him. And they included him in their gatherings around the TV.


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## Gerti (Jul 25, 2017)

Currently i am also working in Nursing and Residential care Home as Senior Nurse.It's need lot of patience to provide good care to elderly.At some point in life,we also require some one who provide us care.


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