# Today feels like the last straw



## Shalimar (Jan 14, 2021)

In my line of work, a certain resilience and tough mindedness is required. Hopefully, I balance that with warmth and compassion,  some  vulnerability also. Sometimes, I weep, often I grieve for those who are too broken to heal, or suicide to escape unbearable pain. The 

virus has caused so much anguish, on so many levels, to so many people,  I have lost nine vets and three friends so far. But, I believe it is important to offer support where one can, either to clients, or frontline and essential workers. But today, I feel broken.I 

am still recovering from injuries sustained when the son of one of my late female vets tossed me in the dumpster while I was taking out the garbage. I coped with the trauma, but barely. Today is a nightmare. I heard screaming coming from below my balcony. Vet 

was standing there, totally distraught. I put on my mask and went outside, talked to him over the railing. He pulled out a gun, stuck it under his jaw, and pulled the trigger. I called the police, calmly dealt with them when they arrived. I am not ok.


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## Pepper (Jan 14, 2021)

Of course you're not ok.  What a terrible shock


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## Aunt Marg (Jan 14, 2021)

OMG, what a thing to have to experience.

I don't even know what to say, Shal, other than I hope you have an outlet to be with at this time.

Hugs to you.


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## Pepper (Jan 14, 2021)

Are you having trouble deep breathing?  Concentrate on your breaths


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## Aneeda72 (Jan 14, 2021)

WOW, so tragic and so awful.  Were you treating these people at your home?  Is that how they knew where you lived?  What injuries did you get from the dumpster?  Did you press charges?  You have to press charges against that guy, IMO.

Have you seen or talked to your therapist yet?  You have to do this as well as you know.  No one would be ok after going through this, it’s so sad for everyone involved.  I am so sorry.


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## Lewkat (Jan 14, 2021)

There just are no words.  So sorry, Shalimar.


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## IrisSenior (Jan 14, 2021)

I hope you have someone to talk to (besides us). Sorry you had to go through this.


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## Rosemarie (Jan 14, 2021)

((((Shalimar))))....you poor thing. My heart goes out to you.


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## Pappy (Jan 14, 2021)

Good lord Shalimar, no one should have to go through that. I’m at loss for words. I don't know if I could handle that. If it helps at all to post on here, we are listening.


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## Pecos (Jan 14, 2021)

Shalimar, I am stunned by what happened. You will need to talk to a therapist who can help you process this trauma. My wife and I send hugs and prayers.


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## Jules (Jan 14, 2021)

No, you’re not ok and you shouldn’t be.  Your therapist will be of assistance.  If knowing that we care about you helps, we’re here.


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## peramangkelder (Jan 14, 2021)

@Shalimar that was indeed a traumatic experience but on thinking about it from the Vet's skewed point of view 
Maybe just maybe the Vet was in some small way relieved you were there near him at the end and he did not die alone
He cannot thank you but I can so my dear Shalimar thank you for making things a little easier for these troubled souls
God knows the world sure needs more caring people such as you


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## Phoenix (Jan 14, 2021)

I'm so sorry @Shalimar.  I will start a conversation with you.


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## Kathleen’s Place (Jan 14, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> In my line of work, a certain resilience and tough mindedness is required. Hopefully, I balance that with warmth and compassion,  some  vulnerability also. Sometimes, I weep, often I grieve for those who are too broken to heal, or suicide to escape unbearable pain. The
> 
> virus has caused so much anguish, on so many levels, to so many people,  I have lost nine vets and three friends so far. But, I believe it is important to offer support where one can, either to clients, or frontline and essential workers. But today, I feel broken.I
> 
> ...


Oh Shalimar!!!  OMG!!!  ((((Shalimar)))). Honey, I am so sorry you had to witness this!!!!!  I hope YOU get some help dealing with this...talk about PTSD!  I will be saying prayers for you on my end... I don’t think you really believe in them, but I do. It will make me feel better to do something, and they surely can’t hurt you any . My heart is with you kiddo...and the Vet as well. Take care and get the help needed as soon as you can


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## CinnamonSugar (Jan 14, 2021)

It’s hard to imagine people acting like that and when things come one on top of the other it’s like a tsunami.   So sorry, praying for you for healing and better days!


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## Ronni (Jan 14, 2021)

Oh no!! I am so so sorry. This is just awful!

You have my number, if you need to talk, I’m here.


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## MarciKS (Jan 14, 2021)

so sorry *gentle hug*


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## Tish (Jan 14, 2021)

I am so sorry Shalimar, oh Honey there is just so much on your plate.
It's okay to not be okay, it's okay to feel broken.


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## jujube (Jan 14, 2021)

Oh, Shali, I'm so sorry this happened!!!


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## Repondering (Jan 14, 2021)

You may never be fully cleansed from this experience.
Is it doable to engage in a healing retreat, accompanied of course, somewhere away from where this happened?
Return home when you're ready to see the place again.

Just my opinion.


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## mellowyellow (Jan 14, 2021)

I hope there is someone who can help you deal with this shocking event, much respect to you Shalimar for the work you are doing.


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## Keesha (Jan 14, 2021)

Awwww....


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## Shalimar (Jan 14, 2021)

To all of you who responded with such compassion, you touch my heart. I apologise for not responding individually to your kind words, but I am too scrambled at present. I have a therapist, but your words are every bit as healing. Love to you all.


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## terry123 (Jan 15, 2021)

Sorry to hear this.  You are doing such healing work.  Prayers for you and the ones you are helping.


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## HazyDavey (Jan 15, 2021)

Always have enjoyed reading your posts through the years and I've learned a thing or three from them. It's saddening now to read what you're going through. Wishing you all the best, you're in our thoughts and prayers. Take Care & Better Days to You..


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## Buckeye (Jan 15, 2021)

Sorry but I have no words.  Prayers.


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## katlupe (Jan 15, 2021)

I am so sorry, Shalimar.


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## Phoenix (Jan 15, 2021)

@Shalimar, hang in.  Know that I love you.


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## Lee (Jan 15, 2021)

Shali, as awful as this was for you to witness, I can only be glad that he did not take someone else's life along with his own as is sometimes the case.

You are strong, you will get through this, so sorry it happened.


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## Shalimar (Jan 26, 2021)

Well, after a brief rest, I am back. Still shaky of course, but this too shall pass.  I am on paid leave from work for three months, will reevaluate at that time. One  of my colleagues is less than impressed. My new boss verbally

toasted his toes online for behaving like a spoiled brat. Yikes. He is an excellent therapist, but he hails from an Uber wealthy family in southeast Asia. Growing up, he actually had servants who would help him dress every morning etc.

Anyway, he does tend to overstate his own importance. Lol. I have covered for him many times. Again, I wish to thank everyone for all your support.


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## Ronni (Jan 26, 2021)

Glad you’re back. Take it easy, take your time.


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## Liberty (Jan 26, 2021)

Glad you are stepping back for a while.  Hope you do things you enjoy and listen to wonderful music to 
help raise the energies.  Time will certainly soothe and provide the balm of helpfulness to your spirit. Follow your intuition.  Hope you can enjoy and will join us here on the forum often.


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## Warrigal (Jan 26, 2021)

Namaskar 

Welcome back, Shali. 

Take care of yourself for as long as it takes to recover your strength and know that there are many here and elsewhere who greatly admire you for the work you do, and love you for the woman that you are.


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## Shalimar (Jan 26, 2021)

*Thank you so much Ronni and Liberty. *


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## Shalimar (Jan 26, 2021)

Warri, as always, you comfort my spirit with your love and warmth. Thank you so much, dear friend. Namaste.


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## Shalimar (Jan 26, 2021)

Shalimar said:


>


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## Pecos (Jan 26, 2021)

It is so good to see you back and to know that you are taking some recovery time for yourself.


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## Pinky (Jan 26, 2021)

@Shalimar .. I completely missed this thread 

I am so sorry this has happened to you. How traumatic! You definitely need time off, to decompress. Hopefully, a few weeks away from the troubles of others will give you the time to take care of yourself.

((Hugs))


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## Shalimar (Jan 26, 2021)

Pinky said:


> @Shalimar .. I completely missed this thread
> 
> I am so sorry this has happened to you. How traumatic! You definitely need time off, to decompress. Hopefully, a few weeks away from the troubles of others will give you the time to take care of yourself.
> 
> ((Hugs))


Than you so much Pinky,


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## Shalimar (Jan 26, 2021)

Pecos said:


> It is so good to see you back and to know that you are taking some recovery time for yourself.


Thank you Pecos, it is good to be back.


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## charry (Jan 26, 2021)

OMG what a terrible experience ......take care xx


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## Shalimar (Jan 26, 2021)

charry said:


> OMG what a terrible experience ......take care xx


Thank you so much.


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## Sliverfox (Jan 26, 2021)

I saw your  first post,not long  after  it happened.
I could  think of no words to comfort you.

Hope you  take  the  3 months off to  do something you always wanted to do.
Travel,, write  a book if only to unload your  mind.

For me to  unwind it  would be the outdoors, playing with   a pet.
Is there  any thing that would be a challenge to you?

((Sending gentle  hugs))


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## Jules (Jan 26, 2021)

It’s good to see you back here.  This is a great place to socialize when we can’t do it physically.


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## Shalimar (Jan 26, 2021)

Sliverfox said:


> I saw your  first post,not long  after  it happened.
> I could  think of no words to comfort you.
> 
> Hope you  take  the  3 months off to  do something you always wanted to do.
> ...


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## Shalimar (Jan 26, 2021)

Jules said:


> It’s good to see you back here.  This is a great place to socialize when we can’t do it physically.


   Thank you Jules, it is good to be back.


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## StarSong (Jan 26, 2021)

Words are inadequate sometimes.  Welcome back, my friend.  You are loved.


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## Lewkat (Jan 26, 2021)

Terrible experience Shalimar, but you seem to be strong and holding up well.   Just take it one day at a time and get the rest you need.  Only you can know how awful this was and how sad and tragic as well.  Prayers for you dear lady and speedy recovery from this nightmare.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Jan 26, 2021)

I'm so sorry. I also missed this thread. What a terrible experience. I can't imagine how you must feel. 
My thoughts are with you as you recover from all this. You are one strong lady.


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## Shalimar (Jan 26, 2021)

StarSong said:


> Words are inadequate sometimes.  Welcome back, my friend.  You are loved.


   Thank you so much.


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## Shalimar (Jan 26, 2021)

Lewkat said:


> Terrible experience Shalimar, but you seem to be strong and holding up well.   Just take it one day at a time and get the rest you need.  Only you can know how awful this was and how sad and tragic as well.  Prayers for you dear lady and speedy recovery from this nightmare.


   I so appreciate your kind words.


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## Shalimar (Jan 26, 2021)

Ruth n Jersey said:


> I'm so sorry. I also missed this thread. What a terrible experience. I can't imagine how you must feel.
> My thoughts are with you as you recover from all this. You are one strong lady.


    I truly appreciate your kindness.


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## officerripley (Jan 26, 2021)

Somehow I also missed this thread 'till just now. I am so so sorry, Shalimar; what a terrible thing, my thoughts are with you, sending hugs & good vibes.


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## Shalimar (Jan 26, 2021)

officerripley said:


> Somehow I also missed this thread 'till just now. I am so so sorry, Shalimar; what a terrible thing, my thoughts are with you, sending hugs & good vibes.


  Thank you so much.


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## MickaC (Jan 26, 2021)

Shalimar......I'm so sorry for what you were subjected to.
I could not even begin to know how horrific this was for you.
Is there not a safe place in this world where we can feel safe.
My concerns and well wishes for you on your recovery.....both physical and mentally.....what you must be going through in your mind...So SORRY.
Take your time to heal.....ANGELS are watching over you to help heal.


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## Phoenix (Jan 26, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Well, after a brief rest, I am back. Still shaky of course, but this too shall pass.  I am on paid leave from work for three months, will reevaluate at that time. One  of my colleagues is less than impressed. My new boss verbally
> 
> toasted his toes online for behaving like a spoiled brat. Yikes. He is an excellent therapist, but he hails from an Uber wealthy family in southeast Asia. Growing up, he actually had servants who would help him dress every morning etc.
> 
> Anyway, he does tend to overstate his own importance. Lol. I have covered for him many times. Again, I wish to thank everyone for all your support.


I'm so glad you are back.  More than glad actually.  Relieved.  I think most of us here would have no idea how to handle all you've been through.  Just know that you are a high soul, a person of honor and integrity.  May your inner light, light your way back to wholeness.  That light *is* there, even if it is not always apparent.


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## MarkinPhx (Jan 26, 2021)

I have held out trying to think of the right words to say for what you went through but I have no words that can equal my thoughts. I am glad that you are here with your updates and look forward to future updates.


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## Kathleen’s Place (Jan 26, 2021)

So very happy to see you again Shalimar. I have thought of you so often since this happened and prayed for you more often than that.  

Releved you are taking the time to try and mend your mind, heart, and soul. Always here if you want to talk or rant or whatever it is you need. Weirdly I find it easier to talk to strangers than I do friends and family about a lot of things.


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## Shalimar (Jan 27, 2021)

MickaC said:


> Shalimar......I'm so sorry for what you were subjected to.
> I could not even begin to know how horrific this was for you.
> Is there not a safe place in this world where we can feel safe.
> My concerns and well wishes for you on your recovery.....both physical and mentally.....what you must be going through in your mind...So SORRY.
> Take your time to heal.....ANGELS are watching over you to help heal.


  Oh, thank you, your words are balm to my soul.


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## Shalimar (Jan 27, 2021)

Phoenix said:


> I'm so glad you are back.  More than glad actually.  Relieved.  I think most of us here would have no idea how to handle all you've been through.  Just know that you are a high soul, a person of honor and integrity.  May your inner light, light your way back to wholeness.  That light *is* there, even if it is not always apparent.


   Thankyou Phoenix. The only way out is through.


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## Shalimar (Jan 27, 2021)

Kathleen’s Place said:


> So very happy to see you again Shalimar. I have thought of you so often since this happened and prayed for you more often than that.
> 
> Releved you are taking the time to try and mend your mind, heart, and soul. Always here if you want to talk or rant or whatever it is you need. Weirdly I find it easier to talk to strangers than I do friends and family about a lot of things.


  Thank you so much. I may need to take you up on that. It is quite common to feel more comfortable sharing painful things with strangers rather than friends or family.


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## old medic (Jan 27, 2021)

Like others I missed this, Please add my hugs to the list. I can truly relate to feeling the last straw....
Not sure what you do, but the same compassion that makes someone a great provider, also can make you 
more prone to taking it personal... I have told new medics you must have the compassion to risk your live to help a 
total stranger, and then not care if they dont make it. 
Please take care of you...


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## Shalimar (Jan 27, 2021)

MarkinPhx said:


> I have held out trying to think of the right words to say for what you went through but I have no words that can equal my thoughts. I am glad that you are here with your updates and look forward to future updates.


   Thank you Mark. I can feel your kindness, words are not necessary.


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## Shalimar (Jan 27, 2021)

old medic said:


> Like others I missed this, Please add my hugs to the list. I can truly relate to feeling the last straw....
> Not sure what you do, but the same compassion that makes someone a great provider, also can make you
> more prone to taking it personal... I have told new medics you must have the compassion to risk your live to help a
> total stranger, and then not care if they dont make it.
> Please take care of you...


   Thank you so much. I am doing my best to work my way through this. As for what I do, I am a psychologist, most of my clients are trauma survivors. I specialise in PTSD, and work with vets and survivors of abuse. I have chronic PTSD 

myself. Childhood related. Helpful in my work, because it gives me a greater understanding of what my clients endure, but it does leave me vulnerable. At the moment, I am taking three months off work while I process the death 

of my vet. I was providing online and phone emotional support to frontline and essential workers, and saying phone goodbyes to vets dying of Covid. Sadly, I can no longer do  that until I can find my balance once again.


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## old medic (Jan 27, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> I am a psychologist,  I specialize in PTSD
> I was providing online and phone emotional support to frontline and essential workers.



As an front line worker with Chronic PTSD myself....
Any chance of getting on your short list when you go back to work????


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## Shalimar (Jan 27, 2021)

old medic said:


> As an front line worker with Chronic PTSD myself....
> Any chance of getting on your short list when you go back to work????


    Absolutely


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## old medic (Jan 27, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Absolutely


We will need to work quick.... plan on retiring December 16th


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## Shalimar (Jan 27, 2021)

old medic said:


> We will need to work quick.... plan on retiring December 16th





old medic said:


> We will need to work quick.... plan on retiring December 16th


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## Shalimar (Feb 2, 2021)

Slowly, the shock begins to wear off, a good/bad thing. I am still existing from one  breath to the next, trying to keep my footing amongst a roller coaster of emotions which periodically careen about, gradually  demolishing the

numbness which was my first reaction to the death of my vet. Every skill set I own is out in full force as I attempt to forestall a crash landing should my defences not hold. For those of us who have Complex PTSD, our sanity depends

on keeping dragons in boxes. Should I dissociate, the boxes crumble, and the monsters come out to wreak havoc. Time and space have no meaning, flashbacks become my reality, and I lose my identity in a whirlwind of terror and

sensory overload. I return to the killing fields of my childhood, subsumed by the horror of the memories of that experience. So much anguish and death. Of fifteen children, only I remain. I am well aware  that my continued survival is predicated on my capacity

to disarm  the emotional mines of my youth should they be triggered. (Of course, my vocation is not the best job for someone with my vulnerabilities. I love it though, and it gives my life purpose.) I have set all the “helpers” in place,

therapy, meditation, T’ai Chi, medication, for the first time in years, respite from work, and any other stressors which can be lessened or removed. However,  there is no magic to do list, or collection of distractions which will offer any immediate healing.

The human psyche is fragile, I know full well that my life will never be the same. I must learn a new normal, the old one is gone forever. I must be patient with myself, not be swayed by

those well meaning souls who push me to be Uber proactive and push myself to heal ASAP. Realistically, I will never be healed, but I can learn to live with it, most of the time. We slay the dragons we can, live with the rest.


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## Aunt Marg (Feb 2, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Slowly, the shock begins to wear off, a good/bad thing. I am still existing from one  breath to the next, trying to keep my footing amongst a roller coaster of emotions which periodically careen about, gradually  demolishing the
> 
> numbness which was my first reaction to the death of my vet. Every skill set I own is out in full force as I attempt to forestall a crash landing should my defences not hold. For those of us who have Complex PTSD, our sanity depends
> 
> ...


One day at a time, Shal.


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## Phoenix (Feb 2, 2021)

Thank you for sharing the reality in your soul.
Love, Phoenix


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## Shalimar (Feb 2, 2021)

Phoenix said:


> Thank you for sharing the reality in your soul.
> Love, Phoenix


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## Sliverfox (Feb 2, 2021)

Shalimar,, can only offer you a shoulder to lean on,, as I have no idea of   your life history.

As I've suggested before, write  , throw away what you  wrote,,as in tossing  away  the demons.

Life can be baby steps at a time.


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## Pinky (Feb 2, 2021)

Peace and love to you, my friend.


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## Shalimar (Feb 2, 2021)

Pinky said:


> Peace and love to you, my friend.


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## dobielvr (Feb 3, 2021)

I hope you are feeling and doing better Shalimar.


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## Shalimar (Feb 3, 2021)

dobielvr said:


> I hope you are feeling and doing better Shalimar.


Thank you, I am


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## Lee (Feb 3, 2021)

Shali, while you will never be able to forget what happened, I see in you a strength to cope and still help others in what you do. Hope you feel better soon.


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## Shalimar (Feb 3, 2021)

Lee said:


> Shali, while you will never be able to forget what happened, I see in you a strength to cope and still help others in what you do. Hope you feel better soon.


  How kind, your beautiful words bring tears to my eyes. I will never submit, so the only way left is forward. One inch at a time. My brokenness remains a gift which I give my clients as surety they too can survive and ultimately

flourish, in spite of the scars which riddle our psyche. I learned endurance, compassion, trust, hope, and acceptance  at the bottom of a pit, so can they. This is what love is.


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## peramangkelder (Feb 3, 2021)

@Shalimar you will 'find your balance once again' because you are resilient
I am pleased to read you are taking 3 months off for yourself
As always we are here as a 'sounding board' when you need us


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## StarSong (Feb 3, 2021)

Hoping you are able to take time to heal.  ♥


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## Shalimar (Feb 3, 2021)

peramangkelder said:


> @Shalimar you will 'find your balance once again' because you are resilient
> I am pleased to read you are taking 3 months off for yourself
> As always we are here as a 'sounding board' when you need us


Thank you so much. Yes, this place is a source of comfort, a touchstone amidst the whirlwind.


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## Shalimar (Feb 3, 2021)

StarSong said:


> Hoping you are able to take time to heal.  ♥


 Thanks, this is my cue to stop, anchor my spirit to the Divine Feminine, learn to breathe again, and trust that I am where I need to be in my journey.  In time, The Pattern will reveal itself, and I will understand what I have learned.


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## Phoenix (Feb 3, 2021)

Sliverfox said:


> Shalimar,, can only offer you a shoulder to lean on,, as I have no idea of   your life history.
> 
> As I've suggested before, write  , throw away what you  wrote,,as in tossing  away  the demons.
> 
> Life can be baby steps at a time.


Shali is a therapist.  As she said she doesn't need advice.  She needs quiet support which will allow her to create her own way.   We can do that by offering our unconditional love and support.


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## Warrigal (Feb 3, 2021)

So pleased to hear that you are progressing. 
Keep posting whenever you feel you can because we care about you.


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## Shalimar (Feb 3, 2021)

Thanks Warri.


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## Sliverfox (Feb 28, 2021)

Wondering how you are doing?


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## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2021)

Thanks for asking Silver. The worst of the shock around my vet’s death is abating a bit, although the recent loss of my beloved nineteen year old cat has spun me into a pit of grief. I have had cats since I was eight, now the isolation feels crippling. Due to pandemic, almost impossible to find a cat anywhere. So, I must dig deep and try to cope as well as I am able.


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## CinnamonSugar (Mar 1, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Thanks for asking Silver. The worst of the shock around my vet’s death is abating a bit, although the recent loss of my beloved nineteen year old cat has spun me into a pit of grief. I have had cats since I was eight, now the isolation feels crippling. Due to pandemic, almost impossible to find a cat anywhere. So, I must dig deep and try to cope as well as I am able.


(((Hugs))) @Shalimar


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## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2021)

Thanks Cinnamon.


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## officerripley (Mar 1, 2021)

Hugs from me too.


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## Jules (Mar 1, 2021)

Also sending you ((((Hugs)))), Shalimar.


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## twinkles (Mar 1, 2021)

hugs---shalimar-i sure hope that things will get better for you


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## StarSong (Mar 1, 2021)

Shalimar, thinking of you and holding you in the light.


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## Sliverfox (Mar 1, 2021)

O, Shalimar,, so sorry to read about your cat.
We  had our  dog   die in October which left a huge hole  in our lives

In  our search  for another Boston Terrier ,,noticed  shelters had  big  dogs & lots of cats.
Also seeing  cats & kittens on Craigslist.

Are you looking for a certain kind of  cat, color, young  or older?


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## debrakay (Mar 1, 2021)

Shalimar, I am sending prayers from Oregon for all that you have been through for the past month.  May the Good Lord bless you with peace and understanding when the trials of this life come.  Finding joy in the storms can be hard but it can be done when we concentrate on the blessings we do have. His mercy is new every day.


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## Pinky (Mar 1, 2021)

@Shalimar .. deepest condolences on the loss of your cat. I know the pain all too well.


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## Ronni (Mar 1, 2021)

Shalimar, this is one of my favorite quotes. As you know I spent many years healing from the abuse in my past. For a long time I was shamed by emotional scars because they manifested as triggers, PTSD and the like. I tried to deny I had them, even though my emotional wounds were no longer oozing. It finally dawned on me that my scars are clear evidence that I HAVE PREVAILED, THAT I AM A WARRIOR, just as you are,  my friend.


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## Packerjohn (Mar 1, 2021)

Maybe I'm just an old country boy but what is a "vet?"  Is that short for veteran?  Sorry & thanks!


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## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2021)

Sliverfox said:


> O, Shalimar,, so sorry to read about your cat.
> We  had our  dog   die in October which left a huge hole  in our lives
> 
> In  our search  for another Boston Terrier ,,noticed  shelters had  big  dogs & lots of cats.
> ...


  Thank you so much. Here on Vancouver Island, Canada, the shelters are virtually empty. I have seen this holds true 
of the lower mainland also. Not that I would take a ferry anyway during Covid times. People have turned to pets to deal with staying at home through this plague. I am not picky about size, age, colour or breed of cat. I love them all.


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## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2021)

Pinky said:


> @Shalimar .. deepest condolences on the loss of your cat. I know the pain all too well.


Thank you Pinky,


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## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> Maybe I'm just an old country boy but what is a "vet?"  Is that short for veteran?  Sorry & thanks!


No apology warranted, yes, you are correct. I was referring to a veteran. You are most welcome.


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## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2021)

Ronni said:


> Shalimar, this is one of my favorite quotes. As you know I spent many years healing from the abuse in my past. For a long time I was shamed by emotional scars because they manifested as triggers, PTSD and the like. I tried to deny I had them, even though my emotional wounds were no longer oozing. It finally dawned on me that my scars are clear evidence that I HAVE PREVAILED, THAT I AM A WARRIOR, just as you are,  my friend.
> 
> View attachment 152736
> 
> ...


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## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2021)

Ronni said:


> Shalimar, this is one of my favorite quotes. As you know I spent many years healing from the abuse in my past. For a long time I was shamed by emotional scars because they manifested as triggers, PTSD and the like. I tried to deny I had them, even though my emotional wounds were no longer oozing. It finally dawned on me that my scars are clear evidence that I HAVE PREVAILED, THAT I AM A WARRIOR, just as you are,  my friend.
> 
> View attachment 152736





Ronni said:


> Shalimar, this is one of my favorite quotes. As you know I spent many years healing from the abuse in my past. For a long time I was shamed by emotional scars because they manifested as triggers, PTSD and the like. I tried to deny I had them, even though my emotional wounds were no longer oozing. It finally dawned on me that my scars are clear evidence that I HAVE PREVAILED, THAT I AM A WARRIOR, just as you are,  my friend.  Thank you for the inspiring words.






Ronni said:


> View attachment 152736





officerripley said:


> Hugs from me too.





StarSong said:


> Shalimar, thinking of you and holding you in the light.


Thank you StarSong,


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## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2021)

officerripley said:


> Hugs from me too.


Thank you Ripley


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## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2021)

debrakay said:


> Shalimar, I am sending prayers from Oregon for all that you have been through for the past month.  May the Good Lord bless you with peace and understanding when the trials of this life come.  Finding joy in the storms can be hard but it can be done when we concentrate on the blessings we do have. His mercy is new every day.


Thank you so much.


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## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2021)

twinkles said:


> hugs---shalimar-i sure hope that things will get better for you


Thank you Twinkles


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## Pappy (Mar 1, 2021)

If I may Shalimar, I’d like to send you a big hug too.


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## Shalimar (Mar 1, 2021)

Pappy said:


> If I may Shalimar, I’d like to send you a big hug too.
> 
> View attachment 152747


Thank you very much Pappy,


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## Shalimar (Mar 31, 2021)

Hello my friends, I am home from the hospital, how wonderful it is to sleep in my own bed again. I still struggle, but as long as I stay away from toxic positivity, and permit myself the emotional elasticity I need to heal, I will pass through

the  crucible as I have so often in the past. I will sit in silence in my mind, learning a new way to be, lest the dragons I keep in boxes devour me. I cannot change what happened, but I can reframe how I deal with it. I have all the western coping mechanisms in place, now I embrace the eastern spiritual practices  of acceptance and letting go. It is good to be alive.


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## Pinky (Mar 31, 2021)

Sending hugs and healing love, @Shalimar


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## Shalimar (Mar 31, 2021)

Pinky said:


> Sending hugs and healing love, @Shalimar


   Thank you so much Pinky


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## Kathleen’s Place (Mar 31, 2021)

Happy you are home  Shalimar. Add my healing thoughts, prayers, and *love**, *along with the others 
Big comforting hug (((((((*SHALIMAR*)))))))


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## Shalimar (Mar 31, 2021)

Thank you so much, Kathleen.


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## officerripley (Mar 31, 2021)

Welcome back, Shalimar; hugs.


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## Shalimar (Mar 31, 2021)

Thanks so much Ripley


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## MarciKS (Mar 31, 2021)

Glad you're feeling a little better.


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## jujube (Mar 31, 2021)

Welcome home!


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## Shalimar (Mar 31, 2021)

Thanks jujube. It is great to be back!


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## Ruthanne (Mar 31, 2021)

Welcome home and try to put You as top priority now--you are deserving of that and all that is good in this world.  Take good ❤ care.  

Ruth


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## Shalimar (Mar 31, 2021)

Why,  thank you, Ruth. What a lovely welcome.


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## Jules (Mar 31, 2021)

Welcome back, Shalimar.


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## Shalimar (Mar 31, 2021)

Thank you Jules, nice to be back.


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## Shalimar (Apr 1, 2021)

I think the turning point for me occurred once I was able to embrace the healing power of tragic optimism. It allowed me the space to accept that while the present may be painful, that I have many layers of pain to sort through, if I

remain patient, there is ample room for joy. Pain is a teacher, I choose rebirth over stagnation, growth over fear. The price of humanity is heartbreak, the lack of it a frozen soul. I will endure what I must in order to feel the light again, to laugh and dance in the moonlight, born yet again into myself and my purpose. Namaste.


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## Pecos (Apr 1, 2021)

Welcome back and continue your personal journey with our love and support.


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## Shalimar (Apr 1, 2021)

Pecos, thank you so much.


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## Sliverfox (Apr 1, 2021)

Shalimar,,good to see back.
Thought  you might be taking  a break.


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## Shalimar (Apr 1, 2021)

Thank you Sliverfox


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## chic (Apr 1, 2021)

You're very strong to cope levelheadedly with so much despair. Please take care of yourself. So much tragedy and suffering all around leaves residue.


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## Elsie (Apr 1, 2021)

Even though there is “humanity heartbreak” layers of pain, there is its counterpart, “healing of layers of pain.” The horror of what you’ve been put through will never be forgotten, but eased as time goes by. Your strength of character will guide and help you heal.


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## Chris21E (Apr 1, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> In my line of work, a certain resilience and tough mindedness is required. Hopefully, I balance that with warmth and compassion,  some  vulnerability also. Sometimes, I weep, often I grieve for those who are too broken to heal, or suicide to escape unbearable pain. The
> 
> virus has caused so much anguish, on so many levels, to so many people,  I have lost nine vets and three friends so far. But, I believe it is important to offer support where one can, either to clients, or frontline and essential workers. But today, I feel broken.I
> 
> ...



Much Love, you will get through this horrible moment, Reach out please...

In your Darkest Moments do Not forget to turn on the Light...


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## Shalimar (Apr 1, 2021)

Elsie said:


> Even though there is “humanity heartbreak” layers of pain, there is its counterpart, “healing of layers of pain.” The horror of what you’ve been put through will never be forgotten, but eased as time goes by. Your strength of character will guide and help you heal.


Thank you for kindness and words of wisdom, Elsie.


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## Shalimar (Apr 1, 2021)

Chris21E said:


> Much Love, you will get through this horrible moment, Reach out please...
> 
> In your Darkest Moments do Not forget to turn on the Light...


    Thank you Chris, your compassion touches my heart.


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## Shalimar (Apr 1, 2021)

chic said:


> You're very strong to cope levelheadedly with so much despair. Please take care of yourself. So much tragedy and suffering all around leaves residue.


 Thank you for your kind words Chic.


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## Chris21E (Apr 1, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Thank you Chris, your compassion touches my heart.



You are welcome dear one...


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## Dana (Apr 4, 2021)

.
So lovely to see you back Shali...missed you. Sending hugs...


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## Shalimar (Apr 4, 2021)

Thank you so much Dana, I missed you also.


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## Elsie (Apr 7, 2021)

Shalimar........
by Elsie Doll
Through the shadowed cobwebs of my mind
My worries sift in syncopated time.
Broken, confused wrapped in sorrowful gloom
In a corner of my anemic tomb.
What's this?  A fissure leaking humor in
Trailed by sunshine in the shape of a grin.
This transforming succor gives wings for flight
Out of my forever despair filled plight.
The cobwebs dissolve, the shadows erase
As I wing my way to the healing place
Where one finds courage to find a smile
No matter the stress, no matter the trial.


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## Ladybj (Apr 7, 2021)

Sending you a BIG ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) And Lots of Love


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## Shalimar (Apr 7, 2021)

Elsie said:


> Shalimar........
> by Elsie Doll
> Through the shadowed cobwebs of my mind
> My worries sift in syncopated time.
> ...


Ohh, how exquisite. Thank you so much Elsie.


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## Shalimar (Apr 7, 2021)

Ladybj said:


> Sending you a BIG ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) And Lots of Love


   Thank you very much Lady.


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## Ruthanne (Apr 7, 2021)

For you:


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## Nathan (Apr 7, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> I think the turning point for me occurred once I was able to embrace the healing power of tragic optimism. It allowed me the space to accept that while the present may be painful, that I have many layers of pain to sort through, if I
> 
> remain patient, there is ample room for joy. Pain is a teacher, I choose rebirth over stagnation, growth over fear. The price of humanity is heartbreak, the lack of it a frozen soul. I will endure what I must in order to feel the light again, to laugh and dance in the moonlight, born yet again into myself and my purpose. Namaste.


Namaste.


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## Chris21E (Apr 7, 2021)

Nathan said:


> Namaste.



Not losing that powerful moment is key and I realized that happens when overloaded...


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## Shalimar (Apr 7, 2021)

Ruthanne said:


> For you:


  Thank you dear Ruth.


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## Shalimar (Apr 7, 2021)

Nathan said:


> Namaste.


  Thank you Nathan


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## Shalimar (Apr 7, 2021)

Chris21E said:


> Not losing that powerful moment is key and I realized that happens when overloaded...


  Absolutely


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## Chris21E (Apr 7, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Absolutely



It also helps to not get run down or just take care. of basic, rest sleep music...


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## Chris21E (Apr 7, 2021)

Chris21E said:


> It also helps to not get run down or just take care. of basic, rest sleep music...


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## Shalimar (Apr 28, 2021)

And so it goes. Healing can be a bytch. I do know I am considerably better than I was. I no longer wake up in the middle of the night wondering how I ended up curled in a fetal position and jammed beneath the dining room table, a paring knife clutched in my fist.

The hyper vigilance and thousand yard stare are intermittent. I can go out on the balcony briefly without collapsing to my knees and bursting into tears, I am slowly regaining the twenty pounds I lost. My house is clean, most of the time. I cook, also most of the time. My bills are paid, I play my online war game where I help with the psychological aspects

of aiding my faction family, the third most powerful House in this particular world, toward their goal of world domination. I also love to be an active warrior and slay our enemies. Therapeutic stuff. Three years I have been a part of this.

But, my heart remains broken, my soul is scarred, my capacity to trust almost negligible. Emotionally, I am held together by coping mechanisms, therapy, stubbornness, and meds. Who knows when I can return to work? Sadly,

still unable to find a cat to replace my dear old boy who died. Covid has emptied the shelters. First time since I was seven years old I have been without a cat. The nightmares remain, also. CPTSD stuff from hell. Technicolour.  A

couple of nights of this results in at least a week of major flashbacks. The lesser ones involve my experience watching my vet suicide, the

others transport me back to the hell of my childhood. Sad, when the situation was so severe that  ****** abuse often seemed trivial. Without being overly graphic, it is the screaming and crying children, and the feelings of

terror and despair which are the most difficult to bear. So much torment for so many years, and, at times, the survivor guilt is crushing. As always, my choices are clear, death, insanity, or tough it out until I can cope. Any suicide

attempts I have made occurred when I gapped out, snapped if you will, only to find myself later, feeling horrible, and stuck in ICU with no memory  of recent events. While my ability to choose remains, I choose to fight for my life, my mind, my humanity, gambling

yet again that I can climb out of the pit and resume my life of service. That sense of purpose is my mantra. Also, if I fail,  the bastards who stole my childhood win, and that is anaethema. So, for now, I sit in the pit, accept that my

suffering is ongoing, and endure. Laugh when I can, love always, and leave the unknown in the hands of the Divine Feminine. I can do this because I must. For me, for all the children who never grew up, and for my beloved veterans, I fight.


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## Dana (Apr 28, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> And so it goes. Healing can be a bytch. I do know I am considerably better than I was. I no longer wake up in the middle of the night wondering how I ended up curled in a fetal position and jammed beneath the dining room table, a paring knife clutched in my fist.
> 
> The hyper vigilance and thousand yard stare are intermittent. I can go out on the balcony briefly without collapsing to my knees and bursting into tears, I am slowly regaining the twenty pounds I lost. My house is clean, most of the time. I cook, also most of the time. My bills are paid, I play my online war game where I help with the psychological aspects
> 
> ...


_I am so glad you're inching your way back to health Shali...it takes time but I do know you are stronger than you think...keep it up_


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## Shalimar (Apr 28, 2021)

Thank you Dana.


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## Pecos (Apr 28, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> And so it goes. Healing can be a bytch. I do know I am considerably better than I was. I no longer wake up in the middle of the night wondering how I ended up curled in a fetal position and jammed beneath the dining room table, a paring knife clutched in my fist.
> 
> The hyper vigilance and thousand yard stare are intermittent. I can go out on the balcony briefly without collapsing to my knees and bursting into tears, I am slowly regaining the twenty pounds I lost. My house is clean, most of the time. I cook, also most of the time. My bills are paid, I play my online war game where I help with the psychological aspects
> 
> ...


Shalimar, I am very sorry for what you are having to deal with but it is good to read that you are continuing to progress beyond these heartbreaking events.


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## Shalimar (Apr 28, 2021)

Thank you Pecos.


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## Chris21E (Apr 28, 2021)

I Ji





Shalimar said:


> And so it goes. Healing can be a bytch. I do know I am considerably better than I was. I no longer wake up in the middle of the night wondering how I ended up curled in a fetal position and jammed beneath the dining room table, a paring knife clutched in my fist.
> 
> The hyper vigilance and thousand yard stare are intermittent. I can go out on the balcony briefly without collapsing to my knees and bursting into tears, I am slowly regaining the twenty pounds I lost. My house is clean, most of the time. I cook, also most of the time. My bills are paid, I play my online war game where I help with the psychological aspects
> 
> ...



So many layers of pain and despair. 
 I first, find a new pet to love not a replacement. I could never replace the special little bird lost.

One thing to get through it all to realize I'm not invincible, I never felt that, just that after a fall and the loss of my veteran frieñd find it hàrd to breath, let alone wake up. Now realizing that those days  come and go.

Enjoy classical music has emotions without silly word. Emotions hit one so much harder when one suffers a lost or injury and I suffered from both.

Your wonderful giving heart is not lost just so badly hurt and is hard to turn that off, we do not want to change that wonderful part...Hugs and hold on. Much Love Always....


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## Pinky (Apr 28, 2021)

@Shalimar 
Baby Steps, my friend. The past, no matter how we try to tamp it down, seems to find its way to the surface .. I know you will keep fighting. You should be proud of your strength.


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## Mr. Ed (Apr 28, 2021)

Today was not the last straw, that was yesterday. Please try to keep up.


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## Shalimar (Apr 28, 2021)

Chris21E said:


> I Ji
> 
> So many layers of pain and despair.
> I first, find a new pet to love not a replacement. I could never replace the special little bird lost.
> ...


Thank you Chris.


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## Shalimar (Apr 28, 2021)

Pinky said:


> @Shalimar
> Baby Steps, my friend. The past, no matter how we try to tamp it down, seems to find its way to the surface .. I know you will keep fighting. You should be proud of your strength.


   Thanks so much Pinky.


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