# "You were the result of a mistake",..,(inevitable conclusion after divorce?).



## grahamg (Jun 1, 2021)

Many children are told when their parents divorce, that the marriage and family into which they were born, was the result of a mistake on behalf of one or maybe both parents, (I believe Princess Diana told her boys this was the case too).

In a sense it is almost a truism, after all if the marriage had been happy it would have endured, hence there has to be a mistake of some kind, and I suppose blame to be apportioned afterwards.

 However, I wonder whether the parent breaking up the marriage sometimes uses the excuse "it was a mistake", (or " it was all a mistake"), to cover the fact there was once love between the couple, and real feelings there, but to avoid being questioned by the child trying to understand what went on, it is easier to declare their marriage, and hence any children produced as a mistake, (the marriage bit at least to be regretted and put right, or as right as it could be, given you can't unmake those children if you wanted to).

My view is a child brought into this world as a result of a loving relationship is not a mistake, and therefore should not be told by their parents the relationship was "all a mistake", (even if you have to give the child an alternative explanation of their parents finding they were better apart for whatever reason, though they loved one another once).


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## Sassycakes (Jun 1, 2021)

*I doubt* *I would say it was a mistake getting married to my Husband because if we didn't get married we would not have had our children. I would just say the reason for the divorce was because we didn't work hard enough on our relationship.*


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## Knight (Jun 1, 2021)

Glad you clarified what you meant in the last paragraph.  The way the title sounded I thought maybe you not having dialog with your daughter was because she was told she was a mistake that brought about an unhappy marriage.


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## grahamg (Jun 2, 2021)

Quote:

"Do you ever think it was a mistake to have children?"
https://www.quora.com/Do-you-ever-think-it-was-a-mistake-to-have-children

"YES, probably.

In the interests of balancing out all the other responses I feel the need to respond.

I was always maternal and felt that I wanted children. I was consequently ecstatic (after the initial shock) when I found out that I was pregnant by my long term partner. Little did I know that my hugely inadequate childhood at the hands of my own parents would render me completely emotionally incapable of raising a child well.

My only hope is to do the best I can, but I know for a fact that because of my inadequacies my daughter will grow up to be emotionally insecure (avoidant), just like I am. Will it be to such an extent that it ruins her life like it has mine, so far? I hope not, but it’s too early to tell.

I have struggled with mental health issues my whole life and, despite years of therapy and medication, am not able to find any happiness in life now that I am a mother. I try so hard to never let this show in front of my child, but I am only human. My daughter must sense this to some extent, and will continue to do so as she grows older. Fortunately her father balances out my inadequacies to some extent, but nothing will take away the feeling that she will have undoubtedly internalised that I really struggle with her around.

In anticipation of someone saying ‘why not let someone else adopt her, so she will be loved’?: Her father is great. We have family around here who, whilst all are emotionally retarded to some extent, they all love her and between us we do our best. I was left without a mother at 11 months old and it was singularly the most devastating things that ever happened to me, having lifelong consequences on my confidence and my ability to get close to anyone (friends or relationships), and my mental health in general. I could NEVER leave my daughter to this fate.

But, all this aside, I know that my best is not going to be good enough, because deep down I don’t want to be a mother, which comes across no matter how hard I try not to let it (which in itself has a huge negative impact on my emotional and physical health) and that she will suffer emotionally, profoundly, due to these shortcomings as a parent. If you’re not convinced then I recommend reading Attachment Across The Life course, by David Howe, for a brief and gentle introduction to the mechanisms at work. If I'd read this before I became pregnant then I would have known NEVER to allow myself to become a mother!

Do I wish I had never had her? No, I could never say that. She is here and everything else is history. But was it a mistake? I feel so. My emotional state gives me a negative slant on is, so I feel sad that she will also suffer a life of insecurity and difficulties in relationships. Will the positive aspects of life make up for it? Only time will tell.

And what about my life? Does the responsibility you take on upon having a child mean that your own contentment with life is no longer relevant? Some of the other responses would suggest so. Perhaps they’re right!"


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## Nathan (Jun 2, 2021)

Sassycakes said:


> I would just say the reason for the divorce was because we didn't work hard enough on our relationship.


I think that true in many cases, certainly in my history.


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## AnnieA (Jun 2, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Quote:
> 
> "Do you ever think it was a mistake to have children?"
> https://www.quora.com/Do-you-ever-think-it-was-a-mistake-to-have-children
> ...



If you'll indent or change the font of the quoted part, it'll go a long way towards clarifying the post.


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## Elsie (Jun 2, 2021)

grahamg, your daughter is *not* you.  She's not emotionally trapped in the negative parts of your troubles.  She is a *separate personality* *and therefore is not destined to also suffer a life of insecurities and difficulties that you do.*  You don't want to be a mother, that's fine, be a friend with no play acting in ways you think you should since you are her birth mother.  She will make *her own* choices in her life, right and wrong like we all do and survive.

Btw, how can becoming pregnant be called a mistake when we all know how it can happen?


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## AnnieA (Jun 2, 2021)

Elsie said:


> grahamg, your daughter is *not* you.  She's not emotionally trapped in the negative parts of your troubles.  She is a *separate personality* *and therefore is not destined to also suffer a life of insecurities and difficulties that you do.*  You don't want to be a mother, that's fine, be a friend with no play acting in ways you think you should since you are her birth mother.  She will make *her own* choices in her life, right and wrong like we all do and survive.
> 
> Btw, how can becoming pregnant be called a mistake when we all know how it can happen?



Post #4 is copied and pasted from a Quora member who is an ambivalent mother.    @grahamg is a male.  He is estranged from his adult daughter so something in the woman's words touched him some way.


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## Elsie (Jun 2, 2021)

I'm not familiar with Quora.  I'm sorry---I thought I was posting to a female.


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## grahamg (Jun 2, 2021)

AnnieA said:


> If you'll indent or change the font of the quoted part, it'll go a long way towards clarifying the post.


No need in that cut and paste job, as it was all taken from the website provided, so no need to worry yourself, (or anyone else), you're being mislead by my interjecting my own views.
There's a second set of similar views to those provided I'll try to post later, to show they maybe are more widespread than we'd like to admit!


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## grahamg (Jun 2, 2021)

AnnieA said:


> Post #4 is copied and pasted from a Quora member who is an ambivalent mother.    @grahamg is a male.  He is estranged from his adult daughter so something in the woman's words touched him some way.


You're reading far too much into things I'm afraid, (is it a trait?), it was a simple search of those who might view having their children was a mistake, as my ex.,(and Princess Diana), told young children was the case, as I stated in OP! 
"Glad to put you straight, and no need to thank me"!


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## grahamg (Jun 2, 2021)

Elsie said:


> grahamg, your daughter is *not* you.  She's not emotionally trapped in the negative parts of your troubles.  She is a *separate personality* *and therefore is not destined to also suffer a life of insecurities and difficulties that you do.*  You don't want to be a mother, that's fine, be a friend with no play acting in ways you think you should since you are her birth mother.  She will make *her own* choices in her life, right and wrong like we all do and survive.
> Btw, how can becoming pregnant be called a mistake when we all know how it can happen?


My late father used to tell a story about a rather plump young girl from his village, (we're talking a hundred years ago), didn't know she was having a baby till the child arrived, though its unclear whether she had any inkling how she became impregnated.


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## Gary O' (Jun 2, 2021)

grahamg said:


> I was always maternal and felt that I wanted children. I was consequently ecstatic (after the initial shock) when I found out that I was pregnant by my long term partner





AnnieA said:


> Post #4 is copied and pasted from a Quora member who is an ambivalent mother. @grahamg is a male.


Well,* THAT *clarified things

Didn't quite know what to do with grahammy getting impregnated 



Moving along, my dad told me I wouldn't exist if our mom hadn't miscarried

That was comforting

S'pose it was better'n when he told my fat little brother he was a mistake

Good times


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## Verisure (Jun 2, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Many children are told when their parents divorce, that the marriage and family into which they were born, was the result of a mistake ......


There is no excuse for putting such a burden upon one's children. My wife, now in her early 50's, attended the reading of her paternal father's will. Although the two of them had very little contact after the divorce my wife is the spitting image of her father.  I don't speak Slovak so I cannot quote his exact words but this is in essence what he wrote in his last will and testament.

_*Being as my ex-wife told me that Olga is not my daughter I hereby declare she has no right to any part of my possessions.* _

What is wrong with people intentionally inflicting pain upon the innocent? Why would anyone make such a statement in their will? I mean why the "she's not really my daughter" business? I guarantee that anyone who sees my wife and a photo of her father will know they are related. The daughters of his new wife took pity on her and offered for my wife to take a small plot of land that had been bequeathed to them. My wife graciously declined the offer.


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## grahamg (Jun 3, 2021)

Verisure said:


> There is no excuse for putting such a burden upon one's children. My wife, now in her early 50's, attended the reading of her paternal father's will. Although the two of them had very little contact after the divorce my wife is the spitting image of her father.  I don't speak Slovak so I cannot quote his exact words but this is in essence what he wrote in his last will and testament.
> _*Being as my ex-wife told me that Olga is not my daughter I hereby declare she has no right to any part of my possessions.* _
> What is wrong with people intentionally inflicting pain upon the innocent? Why would anyone make such a statement in their will? I mean why the "she's not really my daughter" business? I guarantee that anyone who sees my wife and a photo of her father will know they are related. The daughters of his new wife took pity on her and offered for my wife to take a small plot of land that had been bequeathed to them. My wife graciously declined the offer.


I have a friend behaving very much like this, though he has the excuse alcoholism means paranoia and other bad behaviour seems to be fairly normal ways to treat his four children, one of whom wont ever see him again, another is in the forces, and has little enough to do with him, and of the other two, one he's started criticising his wife for not wishing him to move in with them, ("After all he's done for them"!), and the youngest who he claimed, or feared wasn't his, though she's the spitting image, he says is "only interested in his money".


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## Verisure (Jun 3, 2021)

grahamg said:


> I have a friend behaving very much like this, though he has the excuse alcoholism means paranoia and other bad behaviour seems to be fairly normal ways to treat his four children, one of whom wont ever see him again, another is in the forces, and has little enough to do with him, and of the other two, one he's started criticising his wife for not wishing him to move in with them, ("After all he's done for them"!), and the youngest who he claimed, or feared wasn't his, though she's the spitting image, he says is "only interested in his money".


I guess that I don't really know what is "normal" but by the time I reached fifty I started conducting some serious soul-searching, and those people in my life towards whom I felt I had been unjust, I started contacting them to ask their forgiveness. One of them after so, so many years was in true shock when I rang and (as it turned out)  he actually had had kind memories of me all of those years. So, I do not believe it would be possible for me to make even the slightest vindictive remark about anyone as I leave the stage. Those are the words I will be remembered by.


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## caroln (Jun 3, 2021)

AnnieA said:


> Post #4 is copied and pasted from a Quora member who is an ambivalent mother.    @grahamg is a male.  He is estranged from his adult daughter so something in the woman's words touched him some way.


Oh...thanks for clarifying.  I wasn't getting this post at all.  Now I understand.


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## Remy (Jun 3, 2021)

I'm sorry but parents can be jerks. Often blaming or projecting onto their children things the child had no control over. Like who these people chose to reproduce with.

My mother always referred to my bio-father as "your father." Never "my ex-husband" which he most certainly was also. Not once.

My mother married my enabling stepfather when I was 7. My mother would have never gotten by with and didn't exhibit her behavior with my bio-dad. He had visitation only a very few times before it stopped and I think it stopped for this reason: I said something disparaging about my mother to my bio-dad. She had started raging by then and of coarse my bio-father told my mother what I said. Just to get back at her. But this 47 year old man didn't even have the maturity or insight to care what abuse that unleashed on me and it did.

Yes, the children often pay for the "mistakes" of the parents.


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## grahamg (Jun 3, 2021)

Remy said:


> I'm sorry but parents can be jerks. Often blaming or projecting onto their children things the child had no control over. Like who these people chose to reproduce with.
> My mother always referred to my bio-father as "your father." Never "my ex-husband" which he most certainly was also. Not once.
> My mother married my enabling stepfather when I was 7. My mother would have never gotten by with and didn't exhibit her behavior with my bio-dad. He had visitation only a very few times before it stopped and I think it stopped for this reason: I said something disparaging about my mother to my bio-dad. She had started raging by then and of coarse my bio-father told my mother what I said. Just to get back at her. But this 47 year old man didn't even have the maturity or insight to care what abuse that unleashed on me and it did.
> 
> Yes, the children often pay for the "mistakes" of the parents.


Your father should have had the sense not to betray your confidence. The only defence I can come up with, (just in case it wasn't all vindictiveness on his part), is that some of us very stupid men sometimes feel almost compelled to tell our wives, or even ex-wife in this case, "everything"!
I agree, immaturity comes into it, or a kind of dependency even, and it shouldn't have happened, (nor lead to the grief you were given as a result).


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## AnnieA (Jun 3, 2021)

grahamg said:


> My view is a child brought into this world as a result of a loving relationship is not a mistake, and therefore should not be told by their parents the relationship was "all a mistake", (even if you have to give the child an alternative explanation of their parents finding they were better apart for whatever reason, though they loved one another once).



Our family approach is honesty about my brother's relationship.  He was warned not to marry his second wife ...the mother of his two children... by pretty much everyone but her father who really liked my brother.  Her first marriage ended because she cheated and before the first divorce was finalized, she got engaged to someone else.  Left that guy and move straight in with my brother about two weeks after they started dating.  Didn't take long for everyone but my brother to pick up on her habitual lying. So we're honest about that with my niece.  My brother chose badly with his eyes wide open.  However ....and it's a huge however....   two precious children came from that marriage and we tell them all the time that regardless of what happened between my brother and their mom, the most important thing is that we all have joy in them.

Now that my niece is with my brother full-time, he and our extended family are gently ...gently because she's only sixteen and working through a lot... pointing out the positives in her mom because so much stuffed for years anger is surfacing in my niece that she's seeing her mom as all bad which no one obviously is.  My brother also got her in counseling the week she came to his house and told him if she was forced to go back to her mom's, she would leave again. So she's hearing positive relationship advice there.  She's still at the point that she doesn't want to be told that her intelligence, creativity, intuitive cooking skills and beauty are in part due to her mom ...says outright that "I don't want to be told I'm like her even if it's good."  We're seeing that soften a little lately.  Now that she's able to drive to her mom's in her car and leave when she wants, she's going over a little more.


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## grahamg (Jun 3, 2021)

caroln said:


> Oh...thanks for clarifying.  I wasn't getting this post at all.  Now I understand.


I should have explained it more clearly at the outset of course, but the amusement created by the confusion has delighted me a lot, especially the interjection of one forum member, (who shall remain nameless, because I don't want to make him bigheaded or anything, though he'll suffer the rest of his life with an image of "grahammy" wearing a maternity dress stuck in his mind won't he, don't you think?  ).


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## grahamg (Jun 3, 2021)

Nathan said:


> I think that true in many cases, certainly in my history.


It is a good point to make about folks not working hard enough in order for their relationships to succeed, very much so, though at the same time, and without being too cynical I hope, we shouldn't forget those third parties who do go out of their way to break up other peoples marriages, (perhaps showing a similar level of disdain for the institution of marriage their first marriage partner had to try to cope with or endure).
The man my wife went off with gave up his two year old son for adoption by his first wife, (if you see what I mean, he'd got her pregnant before they married, and married her for that reason you'd guess, but his move afterwards, when getting out of the marriagemarriage, meant he no longer had any financial responsibility for his son). He'd have to have called that child a "mistake" wouldn't he, or you'd have thought so, and I know he and my soon to be ex wife were well versed in the arguments about it being better for children to have an unhappy marriage broken up.
When breaking up his second marriage he moved fairly swiftly to get her to agree to a "separation agreement", within about a month of starting to see my wife in secret (of course), so limited his financial responsibilities again, though they continued to live under the same roof, and my wife and two year old daughter were moved into his home the day after the second wife moved out.
He is now on his fourth marriage, though whether that will be his last is open to debate, some saying he's not finished yet, (or leopards don't change their spots!).


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## grahamg (Jun 4, 2021)

I said I would try to come back with some more views from parents who sometimes thought having children was a mistake, this one with a happy ending as you will see, (for the avoidance of any doubt or consternation, the words below are not my own and I have never had a C - section  ).

*QUOTE:*
"Did I ever think it was a mistake to have children"?

"Oh yes.

When my second baby was born, my first thought was “what on earth have I done? Why did I want another one?”

My eldest daughter had just turned 5. For 5 years I had hardly slept a whole night. She was one of those non-stop kids, energetic, curious, stubborn, wilful.

When she was born, she cried so much that my mother-in-law called her cornetinha, as she sounded like the wind section of an orchestra. Poor little thing had dislocated hips, which meant being put in a whole body contraption, making breast feeding after a C-section especially painful. I wondered if she was in pain too.

Luckily, she recovered by 6 months.

She had never wanted to sleep much.


As a baby, she was one of those energetic night feeders, waking up every 2 hours, who clamped her mouth on my breast like a powerful suction pump, then threw it all up again. Then she’d be hungry again. Then she’d get hiccups, then poop, then poop again. She slept better during the day.
When she was a toddler, she’d wake up at 3 a.m. wanting to play, and again at 6 a.m.
When she was 15 months old, at the day-care centre, she refused her naps, and clambered out of her cot, waking up the other children so they would play.
When she was older still, she’d drop her toy elephant out of the bed at 3 a.m, or want to use the loo, or wet the bed. And she’d still wake up at 6 a.m. ready to play again.
But she was healthy, happy, energetic, playful, popular. The sort of kid at kindergarten who was always in ER because she’d climbed the bookcase, gashed her knee, then her eyebrow, jumped down the stairs with her legs tied to her friend with a skipping rope, dislocated her elbow, banged her head.

At home she’d fill the bidets with towels and turn the water on, pull open all the drawers and cupboards and pull the clothes out, find hidden pills and eat them, drink miniature bottles of perfume if she found them. (No, she was not hyperactive, she was energetic).

Of course we adored her. Clever, inquisitive, loving. Demanding.

Did I say energetic?

For five years, I hadn’t slept through the night (and I was working 2 jobs and doing my master’s during the day, so no chance of catching up). But she had JUST started sleeping longer when I was heavily pregnant.

And there I was, with another baby. I’d have to go through it all again. I was exhausted.

So I looked at this sweet little pink thing snuggling up to me in the hospital (another C-section). She didn’t even cry, just squeaked a bit. I put her to my breast and fed her. She suckled sweetly (no energetic suction), and fell asleep, with a dribble of milk running down her cheek.

She woke and slept like clockwork, predictable, easy. No hiccups. She started sleeping through the night quite quickly. An easy child. If I’d had her first, I would have thought that it was all my careful mothering and child psychology studies.

They are in their twenties now. My energetic eldest daughter is doing her PhD in engineering, runs marathons, doesn’t sleep too much. My youngest is studying psychology. She still sleeps a lot.

So in the end, of course, I had no regrets. They are what makes life worthwhile."


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