# Suggestions please!



## Horsehobby44 (Nov 27, 2016)

I'm dating a gentleman in his early sixties. He lives with his daughter, son in law and three grandchildren. What warning signs should I expect if he has no intention of ever moving out?


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## Shalimar (Nov 27, 2016)

Horsehobby44 said:


> I'm dating a gentleman in his early sixties. He lives with his daughter, son in law and three grandchildren. What warning signs should I expect if he has no intention of ever moving out?


One warning sign might be him expecting you to fit into his established life rather than making any realistic plans to build a life together.


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## Butterfly (Nov 28, 2016)

Has he lived with them a long time?  Does he ever talk about getting back out on his own?


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## bluebreezes (Nov 28, 2016)

I would think this is something so important it warrants an open discussion with him and not look for warning signs. Why not just ask him when the time is right?


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## debbie in seattle (Nov 28, 2016)

Why is he living with them?


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## RubyK (Nov 28, 2016)

Time will tell. Do you want him to move in with you or just move from his current residence?


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## jujube (Nov 28, 2016)

How long have you been dating him?  If you've reached the point that you can discuss important matters, just ask him what his plans are.

If he never intends on moving out of his son's house, you have to decide if that will fit in with your plans or move on.  I don't know your age, but I wouldn't have the time or patience to put a lot of time into a relationship that will never be a "close" relationship, i.e., living together.


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## Loosey (Nov 28, 2016)

I'm in favor of asking him what his intentions are vis a vis living arrangements.  There's nothing like the horse's mouth!  I hope you receive an answer that works for you.


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## nvtribefan (Nov 28, 2016)

Why do you view it as a problem if he doesn't intend to move?


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## jujube (Nov 28, 2016)

nvtribefan said:


> Why do you view it as a problem if he doesn't intend to move?



Perhaps she is looking for a long term relationship that would involve living together, in marriage or otherwise.  If so, she wouldn't want to try to build a relationship with someone who would never want to move out of his son's house.


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## SeaBreeze (Nov 28, 2016)

I'm also curious as to why he's living with them right now, that will answer a lot of questions about if he's willing to move any time soon.  If you two are just dating, he may not be willing to leave a secure situation for something unknown, and I wouldn't blame him.  You have to have an open enough relationship with him to discuss this without hesitation.


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## fureverywhere (Nov 28, 2016)

I suppose for the younger generation it's like a young man living with his parents. You have to be clear with yourself first and then him where you expect this relationship to go. If he's one of those yahoos who tries to put you off with " Oh things are just fine now, what's the rush?". Then you have to know for yourself...do you see married or at least living together?

If he doesn't see that happening it might be time to cut him loose. A partner should be devoted to being with YOU.


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## Shalimar (Nov 28, 2016)

fureverywhere said:


> i suppose for the younger generation it's like a young man living with his parents. You have to be clear with yourself first and then him where you expect this relationship to go. If he's one of those yahoos who tries to put you off with " oh things are just fine now, what's the rush?". Then you have to know for yourself...do you see married or at least living together?
> 
> If he doesn't see that happening it might be time to cut him loose. A partner should be devoted to being with you.


qft.


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## Carla (Nov 28, 2016)

Has he mentioned why he lives with them? Learning why he lives with them might answer the question if he would be reluctant to leave there. The most important question is one you can answer yourself--what are your expectations, what do you want from this relationship? I mean, some people search for someone to marry or live with while others are quite happy for companionship and dating. Maybe you can get into general type of conversation and get an idea which way this is headed.


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## RadishRose (Nov 28, 2016)

If this man has been unattached and without a significant other, why *not* live with his family? Why should he live alone and perhaps be lonely?

 Assuming of course he is wanted and there is room and everyone shares equally, I think it's great and what a benefit for the kids to have their grandfather in their lives.

Once a special and mutually exclusive relationship is established with a  lady and both of them love each other, it's time to leave the family nest and just be with her.


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## Horsehobby44 (Nov 29, 2016)

I'm going to try and answer all the questions about my concern. He is 61 and I am 55. He moved from NY to NC 2 years ago and moved in with his daughter, son in law and their 3 children. He is in the process of a divorce. So I can understand that the timing of moving out is not right at this point.  I too, am finalizing a divorce. 
However, we have been dating for 1 1/2 years. We have discussed moving in together on several occasions. Albeit we are not at that point, conversations in the past few months have ceased altogether. What has increased is he has stepped up in making more improvements to their home, etc. He helps them with the children and now their dog too. They have come to depend on him for far more then just helping with the kids. 
I used to go over often but have stopped. The children are rude, the dog unruly, and we have no privacy at all. 
I eventually want to live with, and build a life with my mate. I do not find fulfillment in the prospect of just dating.


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## jujube (Nov 29, 2016)

Is his family friendly toward you?  Since he is a built-in baby-sitter, dog-sitter, resident handyman and possibly helping them out with the mortgage, are they going to put "roadblocks" in the way of him moving out?


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## Shalimar (Nov 29, 2016)

Horsehobby44 said:


> I'm going to try and answer all the questions about my concern. He is 61 and I am 55. He moved from NY to NC 2 years ago and moved in with his daughter, son in law and their 3 children. He is in the process of a divorce. So I can understand that the timing of moving out is not right at this point.  I too, am finalizing a divorce.
> However, we have been dating for 1 1/2 years. We have discussed moving in together on several occasions. Albeit we are not at that point, conversations in the past few months have ceased altogether. What has increased is he has stepped up in making more improvements to their home, etc. He helps them with the children and now their dog too. They have come to depend on him for far more then just helping with the kids.
> I used to go over often but have stopped. The children are rude, the dog unruly, and we have no privacy at all.
> I eventually want to live with, and build a life with my mate. I do not find fulfillment in the prospect of just dating.


I too would want more than dating. It is telling that conversations regarding you moving in together have ceased, and he has become central to his kid's lives. It seems that is where his interests/loyalties lie. Frankly, I think you deserve better. He wants his cake and eat it too, perhaps. The children also sound like a major roadblock.


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## fureverywhere (Nov 29, 2016)

Yeah if the kids don't like you they are going to make things more than difficult. I would say find a gentleman friend with less baggage.


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## Horsehobby44 (Nov 30, 2016)

I get along with everyone. But there have been more than one occasion where I'm an after thought. Most everyone's  replies are confirming my thoughts. Time to make decisions.


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## SeaBreeze (Nov 30, 2016)

After dating you for such a long time, I'd think if it was meant to be, he'd be more than anxious to get a place with you alone and focus on the two of you.  If that's not happening, it's good to acknowledge it now, before a move is made and disrupted.  Good luck!  Imagine if you moved in together and those kids and unruly dog kept popping over and having lengthy visits under your roof?


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## Carla (Nov 30, 2016)

Horsehobby44 said:


> I'm going to try and answer all the questions about my concern. He is 61 and I am 55. He moved from NY to NC 2 years ago and moved in with his daughter, son in law and their 3 children. He is in the process of a divorce. So I can understand that the timing of moving out is not right at this point.  I too, am finalizing a divorce.
> However, we have been dating for 1 1/2 years. We have discussed moving in together on several occasions. Albeit we are not at that point, conversations in the past few months have ceased altogether. What has increased is he has stepped up in making more improvements to their home, etc. He helps them with the children and now their dog too. They have come to depend on him for far more then just helping with the kids.
> I used to go over often but have stopped. The children are rude, the dog unruly, and we have no privacy at all.
> I eventually want to live with, and build a life with my mate. I do not find fulfillment in the prospect of just dating.



You've answered your own question. I would think that not rushing into anything at this point may be best for you both, especially since neither divorces are finalized. Give it time.


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## Horsehobby44 (Nov 30, 2016)

What makes it so co fusing is when it's just him and I, I couldn't ask for a more caring devoted man. But when he's at home and I'm at my home, different story. 
Example, he and I talked about seeing a specific movie together. Then last weekend I found out that he took his grandsons to see it. That was hurtful. He doesn't get it tho.


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## Gemma (Nov 30, 2016)

I really don't think anything will come of the relationship you have with him Horsehobby44, even though you hope it will.  

Red flags would go up for me with him living with his children for the past 2 years and not living on his own, at his age.  I would really question that. 

 He appears to be happy in the situation he lives in.  You are not.  I think dating is the only thing he is really interested in, since he is going through a divorce.  I'm sure a serious relationship is far from his mind. As the saying goes....why buy the cow when the milk is free and that is probably where his mindset is.  

If he doesn't "get it" that you were hurt by him taking the grandson, instead of you to a movie, then your both not on the same page and need to find a way to open up the doors of communication.  If you don't, I don't see how this relationship can go any further.  Settling for what is, rather than strive for something better, isn't something I would be content with.


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## RubyK (Nov 30, 2016)

He's not going to move. I would give him the cold shoulder for a while. If he keeps calling you, then he probably cares. If not, you can surely find someone else. You have been dating for a year and a half already. He doesn't plan to move in with you.


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## Kitties (Nov 30, 2016)

RadishRose said:


> If this man has been unattached and without a significant other, why *not* live with his family? Why should he live alone and perhaps be lonely?
> 
> Assuming of course he is wanted and there is room and everyone shares equally, I think it's great and what a benefit for the kids to have their grandfather in their lives.
> 
> Once a special and mutually exclusive relationship is established with a  lady and both of them love each other, it's time to leave the family nest and just be with her.


I agree, some people might think this living arrangement is strange but I see nothing wrong with it. Families used to be together more. If they can stand one another, it's a good thing.


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## Horsehobby44 (Dec 1, 2016)

As much as I hate it, I agree with all of you. You have all been the resonating voice I have been hearing in my head. Thank you all for the "outside party" advice. Time for me to make a decision.


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