# Family Secret



## Patnono (Jun 12, 2018)

I had my DNA done over a year ago, recently a man wrote me saying that I was a match as a 1st cousin.  He's looking for either of his parents.

This was about 66 years ago. There is no record of his birth he was born at home, the adoptive parents went and got a birth certificate from the hospital later, you could do that back then, his mom was 16, she gave him away to a family friend of her uncle's, that she came back later she had changed her mind, they refused to give him back.  Obviously she didn't know her rights.  So she let it go.  He has information that I was familiar with the area he heard where she lived. I had plenty of relatives that lived there.

I'm nervous about this because it would be life changing, if his father is related to me, he might not had known?  The parents would be in their 80's if their even alive?  I mentioned this to my brother, he got somewhat defensive not that he knew anything, but not wanting to disrupt anybodys life?

Next month is our family reunion with my mom's side, this is the only chance to ask questions?  How do I approach this? Or should I ?  I want to help him, he's had a rough time growing up because of this.  His adoptive parents are dead. And his adoptive father treated him terribly because he wasn't blood related.   But the Cat is out of the Bag. Hope it ends up well?


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## Marie5656 (Jun 12, 2018)

*Interesting.  My SIL had hers done and also heard from someone who said they were a first cousin as well.  Anyway, do you have an idea of which side of the family he is related to?  I say go for bringing it up.  It would make for an interesting topic of discussion at the reunion.  With so many people having their DNA done, I think more people will find unknown relatives such as this.  If you think the guy is legit, and not after anything more than getting info, I say give it a try.  Especially if you feel your family would be willing to help out.*


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## Patnono (Jun 12, 2018)

No, he doesn't know because the DNA just matches you with others with your DNA and your ethnicity.  How would I know if his reasons are legit?  He knows nothing about what I have or don't?  He said he was an attorney, he's retired now. I googled him and it did list him as an attorney.  He's not asked any questions about what I do for a living or anything besides asking questions about relatives. He told me what city he lives in, that city he lives in you have to have money.


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## Chucktin (Jun 12, 2018)

I know zip-all about my father's life, he married mother late, he was late 40s - 50. I'd welcome finding a cousin from his previous life ... But. This is fraught with all kinds of difficulties.

I think that the question of just why somebody contacts you about family connections needs to be answered honestly by all and with a proviso that if either side is uncomfortable for any reason than the possible connection remains "possible" and only that.


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## Aunt Bea (Jun 12, 2018)

I wouldn't see it as a life-changing event for me as much as I would a life-changing event for him.

I think that it would be fairly easy to narrow down the possibilities among your aunts and uncles based on age and whereabouts in the year prior to this fellas birth.  If any of them are still alive I would tell them that this man has turned up and ask how they feel about helping him.  If they are all dead I would give him the genealogical information for your aunts and uncles and leave it at that.


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## Butterfly (Jun 12, 2018)

I am a perennial skeptic  about people who just turn up, and particularly about people who turn up on the internet.  If I were in your situation, I would not give him any personal information at all until I knew he was who he says he is and that he is legit.

I would first want to know if he really is who he says he is -- he says he's a lawyer and you've verified there's a lawyer with the same name he gave you; BUT that doesn't prove he is that person.  There are lots of instances of unscrupulous people trying to ingratiate themselves in the lives of others (especially of older women) for nefarious reasons.  Be VERY careful.


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## Keesha (Jun 12, 2018)

Butterfly said:


> I am a perennial skeptic  about people who just turn up, and particularly about people who turn up on the internet.  If I were in your situation, I would not give him any personal information at all until I knew he was who he says he is and that he is legit.
> 
> I would first want to know if he really is who he says he is -- he says he's a lawyer and you've verified there's a lawyer with the same name he gave you; BUT that doesn't prove he is that person.  There are lots of instances of unscrupulous people trying to ingratiate themselves in the lives of others (especially of older women) for nefarious reasons.  Be VERY careful.



My thoughts exactly. Maybe I’m a skeptic too.


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## Buckeye (Jun 12, 2018)

I say bring it up with the family, and let the good times roll!  Sounds like you've been able to verify some basics about this person, and if everyone in the family says "nope", then you just let him know that.  If a family member says "Yep/Maybe" then you can go from there.

66 years ago puts everything beyond the statute of limitations on any "sins" so what's the harm?


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## Patnono (Jun 12, 2018)

Hi I hear you, I am being cautious, ancestry.com is a reputable site that he and I did the DNA with.  This isn't an accident that we matched, he couldn't have made that up.  A few other relatives have matched with me who have provided proof that we're related. I know the site is legit. He couldn't provide proof because of the circumstances behind his birth. DNA is a powerful technique that is used all time now.  Believe me I have nothing to give in anyway shape or form.  We've only been discussing family trees.  I'am proceeding with caution. Thanks for writing, ill write if anything arises.


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## Patnono (Jun 12, 2018)

Oh and he said that if they want nothing to do with him, he'll accept it graciously and will move on.  Doesn't want to force anything.


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## Linda (Jun 12, 2018)

I would certainly bring it up at the reunion.  Shoot, I'd probably invite him to the reunion.  You people are running out of time. I'm glad my 29 year old grandson went looking for us.  Now we have 3 great grandchildren and 2 of them are twins!  Today it's so easy and economical to find out if someone is related to you.  Of course, you shouldn't give money or property or even a place to spend the night to someone just because they are related to you, any more than you would the relatives you already have. 

Remember serial killers have relatives too.


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## Patnono (Jun 12, 2018)

Thank you for writing, I'm glad you have your grandson and now great-grandchildren in your life.
I plan on speaking to relatives at the reunion, your right time is of the essence.  If his parents are still alive? They would be in there 80's.  The mom did try to get him back.  Your right about relatives being killers too.  I have no money or any material to give, I live on a shoestring as it is.  He's not asked any questions about stuff like that.  I will proceed with caution.  So thank you again and enjoy your family.


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## Leonie (Jun 12, 2018)

Long before DNA I more or less 'turned up' at my half-brother's place.  

I was adopted as a toddler and applied for my original birth certificate when records were unsealed.  An older brother and sister were listed, so I just picked up the phone book and he was listed there too.  I rang him and he accepted me immediately and without question even though he had just had a substantial win on keno, not that I knew that of course, but he couldn't know for sure that I didn't.  I offered to meet up somewhere public for the first time and he insisted I come to his house instead.  They are very special people.

He and his wife never once questioned my motives, well not to my face anyway.  LOL  My sister on the other hand ... well, we won't go there.


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## Patnono (Jun 12, 2018)

Glad you had a good experience, sounds like you're sister didn't? I know I'm going to get some push back from this? I already did kinda?  My brother questioned some information he gave me? 
Be didn't know that side of the family well, he's my half brother, we shared a Mom.  I'm a little uncomfortable about that possibility?  I want to help him.  I don't think it shouldn't be anybody's business but his parents who are hopefully alive and his to have a say.


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## Leonie (Jun 12, 2018)

My sister and I never met, sadly she and my half brother are estranged. He gave me her address and I spoke to her on the phone. I had always said that if either of them didn't want to continue contact I wouldn't push it. She decided not to have contact. I'm a little sad about that but you can't really miss something you never had, so I have moved on.

My biological parents were never involved in our 'reunion', both presumably have passed away, my mother definitely, my father - no one knows. My mother died young and my siblings were placed in an orphanage. I was born in August 1945 in Brisbane. A rather large number of my contemporaries are adoptees. 

There was a large contingent of American servicemen here at the time, around 80,000. There's a pretty good chance at least some of those adoptees have an American biological father.

Edited to add... I admire you for wanting to help, and I hope it turns out to be a good experience for you as well.


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## Linda (Jun 12, 2018)

Leonie, I'm so glad your brother accepted you so readily. I'm sorry your sister didn't.  The day our grandson got in touch with me he told me not to worry, he wasn't after a kidney or anything.   So I knew he had my sense of humor.  He just wanted to talk to his dad, who sadly died 2 years previously but his half brother and uncles and aunt accepted him right off, just like my husband and I did. 

If I were in my 80s and had a child out there somewhere, it would be my fondest hope to hear from them before I died.


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## Patnono (Jun 13, 2018)

Thanks for taking the time to tell your story.  Sorry it didn't work out for you. Maybe she'll change her mind?  I'm glad you seem to be ok with that.  A family member told me that they didn't believe in the DNA testing.  I have proven her wrong with another relative who had contacted me, she provided me with pictures that I forwarded to her, she is now a believer.  And I sent the DNA relative a picture of relatives without naming them, she was dead on with their names.  This latest relative that contacted me said I'm the closest relative that he's match with. There have been 2nd and 3rd cousins.  I know there's going to be some push back about this.  But the cat is out of the bag as they say, I've already mentioned it to a couple of relatives.  Someone had suggested that I take him to the reunion?  I wouldn't do that it wouldn't be fair to either side. He also said he wouldn't push it if they didn't want anything to do with him.  I'm hoping for a happy ending for my new found cousin and if me being only a 1st cousin is good enough for him? Maybe we can have a relationship?


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## Linda (Jun 13, 2018)

He's lucky to have a cousin like you.


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## Patnono (Jun 13, 2018)

Thanks Linda, I know his mom would welcome him with open arms, she did try to get him back, but seems that she was alone in this. I believe someone knows something? but this was so long ago they might not be alive?  My reunion is next month, not sure how I'm going to approach my relatives about this?  Don't want to ruin anyone's day?!


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## Patnono (Jun 29, 2018)

Hi here's an update about my New cousin.  I don't know what he expected from me?  I was doing what I can to help him.  Our last contact with him wasn't a positive one.  I told him that 2 of my 3 kids are supporting me helping him.  He did not like that one of them didn't.  I told him that she is just very protective of her relatives.  That I would still help him.  It's been over 2 weeks, no response from him.  Maybe he had unrealistic ideas about this that it would maybe be smooth sailing as you know these things are not always so easy.  I've decided to leave it alone and let him write me back.  Our family reunion is in a couple of weeks, don't know if he's lost interest?  I dont want to go to the reunion and ask questions for nothing?  What would you do?  Thanks


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## Butterfly (Jun 29, 2018)

Patnono, I would drop it and just let it play out as it will.  I would not want to risk alienating the rest of my family for one alleged cousin who may or may not be legit.


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## Patnono (Jun 29, 2018)

Butterfly said:


> Patnono, I would drop it and just let it play out as it will.  I would not want to risk alienating the rest of my family for one alleged cousin who may or may not be legit.


I believe he's legit, we we're matched through Ancestry DNA.  If I don't hear from him by the time of the reunion, I won't pursue it.  It's just this reunion won't happen again till next year.  I'm not close enough to these relatives that I keep in touch with.  It could be his Only shot at finding out what he's looking for.  I don't know now if he's serious?


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## RadishRose (Jun 29, 2018)

Let him decide. You're not close to them anyway.
Oh, will you be bringing your boyfriend?


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## Patnono (Jun 29, 2018)

RadishRose said:


> Let him decide. You're not close to them anyway.
> Oh, will you be bringing your boyfriend?



I will, if he really wants this he'll be in touch?  Yes I will be bringing my boyfriend


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## RadishRose (Jun 29, 2018)

Sounds good.


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## asp3 (Jun 16, 2020)

It's interesting finding relatives through DNA testing.  I myself have found three relatively close "cousins" through 23andMe and MyHeritage.com.  I just met one this week who may be a second cousin.  We already know what our connection is, but not sure exactly where it is in our trees.

I have another one I met about a year or more ago who is the daughter of my father's cousin.  She had been put up for adoption and my father was unaware of her existence even though he and his cousin had been quite close.  Unfortunately that cousin had never met her mother because she had died before she started looking.  She had however met her grandparents which was nice because they are great people.

The last one was someone I knew about, a child my grandfather had fathered outside of his marriage, but I didn't know who he was or what his name was.  I've exchanged email with him and checked to see if my uncle (who is more like a cousin because we're only six months apart) wanted to communicate with him but he chose not to.

I always enjoy seeing the DNA matches that are found for me.  I reach out when they're suspected to be 2nd cousins or very strong 3rd cousins.  It's interesting to meet folks that way.


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## fuzzybuddy (Jun 16, 2020)

I don't know much about the 'ethics', and rules of DNA firms. If I have my DNA tested, how do I know that my "brother" or "sister" won't jump out of the bushes and notify me that we're 'kin'.   I hear that the results are confidential, etc.  Nobody knows your real name, it's all anonymous. So, how are your cousins finding you? And even if the results are totally confidential, NOW, who is to say that won't change, and that might place my unborn kin in some future peril? I don't want to sound like a paranoid nut. I got leery of DNA when I found out that in some states, it takes only an 80%  agreement to constitute a "match".


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## asp3 (Jun 16, 2020)

fuzzybuddy said:


> I don't know much about the 'ethics', and rules of DNA firms. If I have my DNA tested, how do I know that my "brother" or "sister" won't jump out of the bushes and notify me that we're 'kin'.   I hear that the results are confidential, etc.  Nobody knows your real name, it's all anonymous. So, how are your cousins finding you? And even if the results are totally confidential, NOW, who is to say that won't change, and that might place my unborn kin in some future peril? I don't want to sound like a paranoid nut. I got leery of DNA when I found out that in some states, it takes only an 80%  agreement to constitute a "match".



You have to choose to make your DNA available to be compared with other people.  Otherwise you can just get it tested to see how your DNA compares to people from different regions to see where your DNA background says you're from.


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## Becky1951 (Jun 16, 2020)

asp3 said:


> You have to choose to make your DNA available to be compared with other people.  Otherwise you can just get it tested to see how your DNA compares to people from different regions to see where your DNA background says you're from.


Right and your DNA data is given to you via their website. You will get link to go to in order to view it. If you have chosen to make it available to others and there is a match then that person contacts you through that website. You then have the choice to respond or not via the website. Your personal e-mail or contact information is not given to anyone.


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## Sassycakes (Jun 16, 2020)

*I really don't have good advice to give you. My heart says to try and help him, but my mind says maybe you shouldn't. I was on a forum before where someone mentioned they found relatives they never knew they had and everything turned out good. Do whatever you feel is right.*


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## GeorgiaXplant (Jun 19, 2020)

For those of you replying, note that this thread is two years old! 

I'd be interested in an update.


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## fuzzybuddy (Jun 24, 2020)

I know this is going to sound like I'm one of those tin foil hat people, but we don't know what will happen in the future. What we consider "private", may not be at some date. If I allow access to my DNA data,  today; how will that affect my descendants  ability to maintain privacy in the future?  We don't know where DNA technology is going to go in 2050, or 2200. Am I giving up my family's future rights?


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## JaniceM (Jun 24, 2020)

fuzzybuddy said:


> I know this is going to sound like I'm one of those tin foil hat people, but we don't know what will happen in the future. What we consider "private", may not be at some date. If I allow access to my DNA data,  today; how will that affect my descendants  ability to maintain privacy in the future?  We don't know where DNA technology is going to go in 2050, or 2200. Am I giving up my family's future rights?


I agree with your viewpoint-  except the word 'future.'


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## Ellen Marie (Jun 29, 2020)

Well, I would bring it up at the reunion...... with a....

"Funny thing happened to me..... 

But the funny thing is, I found a half sister when I was in my mid-forties.   She knew about me and my siblings because she was older.   But, my parents never told us about her.  She always felt a rejection because no one ever contacted her to connect.  But, in reality, we never knew she existed.   Even some of the cousins knew and never said a word.   You know, one of those family secrets. 

Anyway.... I say put it out there..... you don't catch any fish if you don't throw the line in the water.     We all have skeletons in the closet.


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## Lewkat (Jun 30, 2020)

Patnono said:


> I believe he's legit, we we're matched through Ancestry DNA.  If I don't hear from him by the time of the reunion, I won't pursue it.  It's just this reunion won't happen again till next year.  I'm not close enough to these relatives that I keep in touch with.  It could be his Only shot at finding out what he's looking for.  I don't know now if he's serious?


I am quite puzzled over all this as I belong to Ancestry as do my son and sister.  We've all had a DNA, but in no way does it reveal who you might be related to.  Each of us has a different DNA, more or less.  My sister's favors my father's side of the family while mine is from my mother and my son's from his father.  Fortunately my family has been here since the 1600's and I am well aware of our history.   Also, my father's aunt had her grandmother's side of the family actually traced through a certified  company way back in the 1920's.  We found out from that, our family originated in Sweden and emigrated to the Netherlands, on that side only. but in no way has anyone attempted to make contact through DNA.  We have had many contacts that were legit and we've reunited, but it was ascertained through mutual knowledge of family members and history.  I'd never even respond to anyone claiming our DNA matched as cousins, unknown sibs, or otherwise.


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## asp3 (Jun 30, 2020)

Lewkat said:


> I am quite puzzled over all this as I belong to Ancestry as do my son and sister.  We've all had a DNA, but in no way does it reveal who you might be related to.  Each of us has a different DNA, more or less.  My sister's favors my father's side of the family while mine is from my mother and my son's from his father.



There are a range of percentages of DNA that can happen for each genetic relationship.  One can make a fairly accurate guess of the relationship based on the shared percentage of DNA between two people.  I don't have my DNA on Ancestry but do have it on 23 and me (where the test was done) and MyHeritage (where I uploaded the DNA information.)  I've reached out to a number of people from 3rd cousins and up (2nd cousin, etc...) and we've always been able to determine how we were related.  But you should continue to do what you feel comfortable with regarding DNA matches.

Here's an article with a good chart showing the DNA percentage ranges one can expect for one's for specific relationships.  One interesting thing it shows that about 10% of third cousins share 0 DNA.  https://thednageek.com/the-limits-of-predicting-relationships-using-dna/


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## JaniceM (Jul 2, 2020)

There can be exceptions due to circumstances, but in general I agree with the OP's brother.  
There are too many people these days screaming about 'their rights' without any concern for how it may affect other people.


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