# Biting our tongues about discipline



## Robusta (Sep 4, 2017)

Is there any point short of physical abuse that a grandparent can legitimately opine on a parents method of discipline?  My son in law uses shame to punish my oldest (6) granddaughter.  He always makes her come before us and tell us of the things that she has done wrong. (Almost none of these transgressions are even worth mentioning to my mind)
The poor kid loves us to no end and it is horrible to watch her being forced to grovel in front of us.
We both have taken her aside and told her that we love her and nothing she can do will ever change that.
He seems to expect her to act like an adult at demeans her for simple thing like spills or mistakes.
I need to find a coping mechanism other than punching this cruel SOB in the face!


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## Falcon (Sep 4, 2017)

He's  doing this only to help drag himself out of his own inadequate  image.

Someone should tell him to  *SHUT UP !!!*


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## Aunt Bea (Sep 4, 2017)

I'm not sure that you will be able to change it.

I think about all you can do is love her and be there to support and encourage her.

Kids are very resilient and they never forget the people that helped them over the rough spots in life.

Good luck!


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## SeaBreeze (Sep 4, 2017)

That's terrible, he's just chopping away at her self-esteem by shaming her, making her grovel and criticizing her every mistake.  She'll carry this in her mind into adulthood and it will have a negative effect on her confidence, happiness and ability to function in the real world, in my opinion.  The father needs to back off, maybe your daughter can shame HIM into rethinking his method of parenting.


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## jujube (Sep 4, 2017)

As Aunt Bea said, just be there for her so she has someone to turn to.  Reassure her that she's a good girl.  Don't badmouth him, though....that doesn't turn out well.  

Its a wonder that I have any tongue left at all from the amount of "biting" I did to keep from lashing out at my son-in-law for his obsessive-compulsive behavior toward my granddaughter.  The one time that I did, everybody paid for it.  So, I just bit down hard and held it in.  It wasn't easy.  

Grandparents are the refuge of childhood....or at least they _should_ be.


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## Katybug (Sep 4, 2017)

He's going to be so sorry down the road.  I feel so bad for her, and when she's old enough to pull away from him, I have no sympathy.


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## helenbacque (Sep 4, 2017)

He sounds like a sadistic ba...... !  I doubt you can change him and your 'interference' would cause more unpleasantness.  Do all you can to bolster her confidence in herself and assure her that that your love and respect for her is always there and has no bounds.


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## JaniceM (Sep 4, 2017)

Falcon said:


> He's  doing this only to help drag himself out of his own inadequate  image.
> 
> Someone should tell him to  *SHUT UP !!!*



Yup, what he said  ^  .  

In general, I'm the not-interfering type, but if a child is actually being harmed I _will  _speak up.

Oh, if I can add:  I think you should address your complaint to the son-in-law directly rather than to the child.  Or, if he's your daughter's husband, then talk to her.  
I've seen situations where well-meaning (and not) grandparents tell grandchildren how horrible their parents are, and the kids were hurt even more by that.


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## Wren (Sep 4, 2017)

Robusta, this must be so distressing for your little granddaughter, how does her mother feel about it ?


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## Robusta (Sep 4, 2017)

I don't know what the heck is wrong with her. Normally she is  a level woman,but when it comes to this yahoo got nuthin but blinders.  We are probably to involved in their lives,but we are a tight knit family. 
We will just continue to be what we can. 

And yes Our home is a house of refuge!!!!


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## Shalimar (Sep 4, 2017)

SeaBreeze said:


> That's terrible, he's just chopping away at her self-esteem by shaming her, making her grovel and criticizing her every mistake.  She'll carry this in her mind into adulthood and it will have a negative effect on her confidence, happiness and ability to function in the real world, in my opinion.  The father needs to back off, maybe your daughter can shame HIM into rethinking his method of parenting.


Qft.


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## SeaBreeze (Sep 4, 2017)

Robusta said:


> I don't know what the heck is wrong with her. Normally she is  a level woman,but when it comes to this yahoo got nuthin but blinders.



I wonder if he treats your daughter in a similar way, maybe not in public but in private....I hope not.  But if that's his personality, then she just has to make the best of it and likely doesn't have much control over what he says and does.  He either wakes up and changes some day, she puts up with it, or they divorce, but that usually is a last resort once the child is grown.  

I agree with the others here, just support the girl as much as possible without badmouthing her dad to her or starting a family war because your granddaughter will suffer from the infighting and stress.  Is he like that with the other children, or just her?  Is she their only child?


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## Butterfly (Sep 8, 2017)

SeaBreeze said:


> That's terrible, he's just chopping away at her self-esteem by shaming her, making her grovel and criticizing her every mistake.  She'll carry this in her mind into adulthood and it will have a negative effect on her confidence, happiness and ability to function in the real world, in my opinion.  The father needs to back off, maybe your daughter can shame HIM into rethinking his method of parenting.



I strongly agree.  She'll drag this around in the back of her mind forever and it will indeed affect her interactions with others.


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## terry123 (Sep 8, 2017)

Falcon said:


> He's  doing this only to help drag himself out of his own inadequate  image.
> 
> Someone should tell him to  *SHUT UP !!!*


  Agree!! Falcon


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## grahamg (Sep 10, 2017)

*Not sure what to say.....*



Robusta said:


> Robusta wrote (abridged):
> 
> *Biting our tongues about discipline
> *
> ...





I have always thought psychological punishments can be far worse than physical ones (such as a quick smack "causing no mark", if a child has put themselves in danger, which is forgotten again or goes away and hopefully the child learns not to run across the road or whatever).

I had to accept my own daughter was being "disciplined" by sending to her bedroom for talking too much at the dinner table, by her stepfather, when she was three or four years old. At the time you'd like to go and "send him to his bedroom" or maybe express your displeasure in some other way  , but you don't do so because you don't want to make matters worse for your daughter, whose mother has decided her new man is the "real daddy" (for now at least  ). The bigger picture is that if this "new daddy" is generally okay with your child, then perhaps if your ex. moved on to someone else that might be worse for your child, if the next man asserted himself even more, or his authority over your child even more.

So, if that helps you come to terms with a difficult situation, then perhaps that's all anyone can say or do for you. Trying to look at your son in law's behaviour, or point of view, maybe he will have been told how wrong it would be to discipline your granddaughter in other ways, and so maybe told or trained to use the method you've described (akin to the "naughty step" perhaps  ).


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## LouieLouie (Sep 15, 2017)

I've bit my own tongue for years on this same issue. The grand children know they have a place that is safe to come to and I am sure that may happen. Shaming is a form of mental abuse and every bit as damaging as physical abuse.


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## grahamg (Sep 21, 2017)

*Some may disagree*



LouieLouie said:


> LouieLouie wrote:
> 
> "I've bit my own tongue for years on this same issue. The grand children know they have a place that is safe to come to and I am sure that may happen. Shaming is a form of mental abuse and every bit as damaging as physical abuse."




I think I know what you mean but maybe there should be some qualifications in your last sentence in order to give consideration to the terrible physical abuse cases we've all heard of where it might have lead to serious injuries or even fatalities (I acknowledge psychological abuse can lead to suicide but less likely perhaps).


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## win231 (Apr 26, 2019)

Robusta said:


> Is there any point short of physical abuse that a grandparent can legitimately opine on a parents method of discipline?  My son in law uses shame to punish my oldest (6) granddaughter.  He always makes her come before us and tell us of the things that she has done wrong. (Almost none of these transgressions are even worth mentioning to my mind)
> The poor kid loves us to no end and it is horrible to watch her being forced to grovel in front of us.
> We both have taken her aside and told her that we love her and nothing she can do will ever change that.
> He seems to expect her to act like an adult at demeans her for simple thing like spills or mistakes.
> I need to find a coping mechanism other than punching this cruel SOB in the face!



Is there a mother in the picture?  If so, what's her reaction?


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## C'est Moi (Apr 26, 2019)

This is an old thread and I don't believe the OP is around anymore.


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## Knight (Apr 27, 2019)

Quotes from post
(Almost none of these transgressions are even worth mentioning to my mind)

He seems to expect her to act like an adult at demeans her for simple thing like spills or mistakes.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Not really clear about where the "transgressions" take place. Hard to imagine that the SIL would make a list then come over to your home and make your (6) yr. old grandaughter apologize. I'm guessing it's your home where you see what the SIL makes her apologize for.

[Almost none] seems to say there are "transgressions" that you think need an apology. 


I'm more of a confront the issue kind of man. As a grandfather I'd take the SIL aside & talk to him about what I consider important & what is not. I'd cite examples like spilling milk & whatever of you do feel should be addressed. 


What do you think would be the worst that could happen if there was a man to man talk between a grandfather & SIL?


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