# Good age to get married and have kids



## PreciousDove (Sep 2, 2022)

Well I was once married. I was 28 and had no children. My marriage lasted 12 yrs. and I was very happy that I had no children because I would have ended up being a single Mom. If I did have children I would have told my child when it comes to my topic.. Never but never do something because your friends are getting married. Marriage and children will be the biggest commitment that you will have to commit to.

If you have any reservations at all then you're not ready. make sure that any aspect in marriage you are thinking about to the fullest. Will you be financially stable, do you have a roof over your head that you could afford, did you talk about who would be working and raising children if there are any in the future. Every aspect needs to be committed to the fullest. You don't want to end up being a statistic.

What's the perfect age..? When you are committed to the fullest on all aspects of this marriage.


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## hollydolly (Sep 2, 2022)

There's no perfect age.. it all depends how financially well off you are, how old you are mentally regardless of you age.. if you have a good stable background... 

Some people swear that it's best to have children when young so they can grow up with them, and still be young when the kids are adults.. and others prefer to have got their career and hedonistic days out of the way before settling down with children in older age..


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## timoc (Sep 2, 2022)

Good age to get married and have kids​
*What's the perfect age..?*

97, but also have a very long engagement.


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## jujube (Sep 2, 2022)

I married at 21 and had my daughter at 23.  Right now, I'm glad that I'm a "young" great-grandmother.  It's another generation that I've been able to enjoy to the max.


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## Alligatorob (Sep 2, 2022)

PreciousDove said:


> What's the perfect age..?


For me it's long past...


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## hollydolly (Sep 2, 2022)

I was 20 years old.. 4 days before my 21st Birthday


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## Aunt Bea (Sep 2, 2022)

I agree that there is no perfect age.

I think it’s probably best to jump in when you’re young and deal with life as it comes.

If you wait until you’re ready you may never be ready.


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## Grampa Don (Sep 2, 2022)

In my opinion you should only marry when you are ready to fully commit yourself to someone; same with having children.  It's not something to be taken lightly.  I never actually proposed to my wife.  We had dated for five years and both knew we wanted to spend our lives together.  We married as soon as I graduated from college and had a full time job.  I was 22 and she was 21.


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## Knight (Sep 2, 2022)

I'll go with the op's thought.

Quote
'What's the perfect age..? When you are committed to the fullest on all aspects of this marriage.'

We've been married for 60 years & have what most consider an average family.  3 sons, 6 grand children & 3 great grandchildren.  

Given the variety of bad news, everything from global warming to the projected lack of recourses 40 years from now I don't think if we were just now getting married I'd want to bring kids into the dismal future.


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## hollydolly (Sep 2, 2022)

Knight said:


> I'll go with the op's thought.
> 
> Quote
> 'What's the perfect age..? When you are committed to the fullest on all aspects of this marriage.'
> ...


I say the exact same thing. If I were to be starting out now, I wouldn't have children....my daughter has always been of that same mindset , and has no children..


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## PreciousDove (Sep 2, 2022)

Knight said:


> I'll go with the op's thought.
> 
> Quote
> 'What's the perfect age..? When you are committed to the fullest on all aspects of this marriage.'
> ...


I want to say Congratulations 60 yrs is unheard of these days. I would be surprised if it was 60 days. I think a lot of people are getting married out of desperation. Without offending anyone most are getting married to stay in the country and have a better life then the way they had IMO.


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## Oris Borloff (Sep 2, 2022)

I have never considered myself mature enough to have children.


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## NorthernLight (Sep 2, 2022)

I've thought about this lately. 

For me, age 25 would have been the perfect age to get married. Before that, too immature. After that, one or both will have too much "baggage" of some sort.

There could never be a right age for me to have children.


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## Capt Lightning (Sep 2, 2022)

I got married just before my 23rd birthday, and Mrs.L was just before her 20th.  Perhaps it would have good to wait another year, but we had already been 'going together' for 4 years.   Anyway, we'll shortly be celebrating 49 years together.  
We have no grand kids, which I sometimes regret, but then again, I'm not sure that it's a good world to be born in to.


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## hollydolly (Sep 2, 2022)

Capt Lightning said:


> I got married just before my 23rd birthday, and Mrs.L was just before her 20th.  Perhaps it would have good to wait another year, but we had already been 'going together' for 4 years.   Anyway, we'll shortly be celebrating 49 years together.
> We have no grand kids, which I sometimes regret, but then again, I'm not sure that it's a good world to be born in to.


yes that's my only regret..not having grandchildren, but I tell myself if I was in my Daughter's shoes with the way the world is today, I wouldn't have children either..


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## horseless carriage (Sep 2, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I say the exact same thing. If I were to be starting out now, I wouldn't have children....my daughter has always been of that same mindset , and has no children..


That "bad news" concept weighed heavily on our decision to have children when the time is right. Is the time ever right? Not if newspaper headlines are to be believed. We married very young, most thought that it was probably a shotgun wedding. Maybe it was  a disappointment that the shotgun theory proved wrong. The same detractors turned the tables to suggest that we don't leave it too late.
Now both in our seventies, I think we might have left it a tad too late.


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## hollydolly (Sep 2, 2022)

horseless carriage said:


> That "bad news" concept weighed heavily on our decision to have children when the time is right. Is the time ever right? Not if newspaper headlines are to be believed. We married very young, most thought that it was probably a shotgun wedding. Maybe it was  a disappointment that the shotgun theory proved wrong. The same detractors turned the tables to suggest that we don't leave it too late.
> Now both in our seventies, I think we might have left it a tad too late.


...but you never get a rest from it.. if you have no children you get nagged about when you're going to start...if you have only one, the nagging doesn't stop about how they can't be an only child... if you have 2 same sex children, the same naggers inists you must carry on until you have a different sex.. you can't ever win...


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## fuzzybuddy (Sep 3, 2022)

We think we just decide to get married and have kids. in our late teens & 20s. But it is programmed into us, via our DNA, by way of hormones.  We've evolved to be social critters, having a mate comes naturally to us.


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## Pinky (Sep 3, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> yes that's my only regret..not having grandchildren, but I tell myself if I was in my Daughter's shoes with the way the world is today, I wouldn't have children either..


@hollydolly 

Hols, we were constantly asked "when are you having a baby?". 

Fortunately for my daughter & SIL, they don't get that ... because, the majority of her cousins have chosen not to have children as well.


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## hollydolly (Sep 3, 2022)

fuzzybuddy said:


> We think we just decide to get married and have kids. in our late teens & 20s. But it is programmed into us, via our DNA, by way of hormones.  We've evolved to be social critters, having a mate comes naturally to us.


yes but not necessarily to procreate...


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## hollydolly (Sep 3, 2022)

Pinky said:


> @hollydolly
> 
> Hols, we were constantly asked "when are you having a baby?".
> 
> Fortunately for my daughter & SIL, they don't get that ... because, the majority of her cousins have chosen not to have children as well.


Absolutely Pinks.. I had the same. My daughter wasn't even 2 years old when I had the relatives going on about how  I would be so bad if I let her be an only child..  I even had some say, that I owed it to my husband to try for a son.. well I  could have gone on forever doing that, as it was when DD was 8 years old I did have a son but he died in the womb.. so that  was the end of that for me.. and like your daughter, DD's friends are almost all childless or with just one child..


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## horseless carriage (Sep 3, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> ...but you never get a rest from it.. if you have no children you get nagged about when you're going to start...if you have only one, the nagging doesn't stop about how they can't be an only child... if you have 2 same sex children, the same naggers insists you must carry on until you have a different sex.. you can't ever win...


You're not wrong Holly, but it does seem that attitudes are changing. Certainly events like Covid and the invasion of Ukraine have concentrated minds as to what kind of world is it to bring a new born into. Back in my wife's reproductive years she would refer to detractors, for whom our choice made no difference to their lives, as having "babies rabies."


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## JaniceM (Sep 3, 2022)

I'm probably in the minority with this- at least from what I've heard from so-called 'experts' like that elderly fellow who created one of those 'dating' sites, and Oprah Winfrey- but from nearly everybody I've known through multiple generations, that Alan Jackson song says it.  All the marriages I've known of that worked and lasted for many decades were couples who married their high-school sweethearts or individuals they met shortly after.  

First, going by what a long-ago acquaintance said, relationships are most likely to work when the individuals "share the same values"- and that feature is more likely when individuals met when they were relatively young.  

Second, it's the exact opposite of what so-called experts say- that young people 'don't know who they are' and 'don't know what they want,' but like one of my aunts said people become 'set in their ways' and aren't as able/willing to adjust/compromise, plus there's more focus on 'my' instead of 'our.'  And I also agree with what @NorthernLight said about 'baggage.'  I'd go as far as to say these are big reasons for the high divorce rate- people waiting too long.  

So, in my opinion, unless people need to delay marriage because of education, "ideal" is between 18-21, and starting a family a couple of years later.


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## JaniceM (Sep 3, 2022)

horseless carriage said:


> You're not wrong Holly, but it does seem that attitudes are changing. Certainly events like Covid and the invasion of Ukraine have concentrated minds as to what kind of world is it to bring a new born into. Back in my wife's reproductive years she would refer to detractors, for whom our choice made no difference to their lives, as having "babies rabies."


If I can chime in here-  in and around the 1970s, I knew some couples who had only one child or none because of the focus on over-population.  While I certainly agree there are often reasons to not have children, throughout time there have always been reasons.


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## Pepper (Sep 3, 2022)

IDK


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## Been There (Sep 4, 2022)

If I had kids today and they asked me for advice, I would ask them to reconsider. The nuclear family isn't what it once was while most of us were growing up. So much has changed and not all of it has been for the good. There are no more Nelson's or Cleaver's around anymore. 

I was at a party just last night and left about midnight. A man I have known since boot camp came up to me and said he had just spoken with a woman that was on her 5th marriage and was asking him if he wanted to fool around. I had to ask him, what did he tell her. He said I asked her if her husband knew about this and she said yes, they have an open marriage. What's that tell you about people's mentality today? I have made it this far without a wife and kids, I guess I'll just keep on the same old route. There doesn't seem to be a lot of loyalty anymore and not just in marriage.


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## JaniceM (Sep 4, 2022)

Been There said:


> If I had kids today and they asked me for advice, I would ask them to reconsider. The nuclear family isn't what it once was while most of us were growing up. So much has changed and not all of it has been for the good. There are no more Nelson's or Cleaver's around anymore.
> 
> I was at a party just last night and left about midnight. A man I have known since boot camp came up to me and said he had just spoken with a woman that was on her 5th marriage and was asking him if he wanted to fool around. I had to ask him, what did he tell her. He said I asked her if her husband knew about this and she said yes, they have an open marriage. What's that tell you about people's mentality today? I have made it this far without a wife and kids, I guess I'll just keep on the same old route. There doesn't seem to be a lot of loyalty anymore and not just in marriage.


Oh not necessarily.  
The only so-called open marriage I've ever known of involved a couple around 10 years older than I.  To each his/her own, but I thought it was gross- it's not "marriage."
In contrast- and surely not unique or even unusual- I have a Mom/Dad/Kids family in my close family (the parents are young-middle-age), as well as numerous cousins and friends who had the same nuclear-family-unit and are now 'empty-nesters.'


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## JaniceM (Sep 4, 2022)

I think another reason for the high break-up rates is because of the longtime trend of seeing people at older and older ages as 'kids.'  And it's not new.  There's a book that was published in 1978 in which the authors (a high school teacher and a social worker, married to each other) came up with the term "NQA" to mean 'not quite adolescent, not quite adult,' and stated the term applies to individuals age 18-25!  Individuals up to 25 years old 'not quite adults'?!?


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## Lavinia (Sep 4, 2022)

I married at 18, which seems very young, but it was right for me. I had a baby a year later and being a housewife and mother suited me. My problem was that I married a man who wasn't the right choice.
There is no right age to marry, it depends on the person.


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## jujube (Sep 4, 2022)

I remember asking a friend if she wanted children and she replied, "Not with this husband."  I must have raised my eyebrows because she said, "This just my starter marriage."

Okaaaay.


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## DebraMae (Sep 4, 2022)

I can say with first hand knowledge, nobody should get married at 16.  And no, I did not "have to".  It was just "expected" by the society I lived in.


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## Alligatorob (Sep 4, 2022)

Been There said:


> I was at a party just last night and left about midnight. A man I have known since boot camp came up to me and said he had just spoken with a woman that was on her 5th marriage and was asking him if he wanted to fool around. I had to ask him, what did he tell her. He said I asked her if her husband knew about this and she said yes, they have an open marriage. What's that tell you about people's mentality today? I have made it this far without a wife and kids, I guess I'll just keep on the same old route.


My thinking is that to each his own.  There are lots of different versions of marriage and relationships in the world that seem to work.  I've known a few polygamists and polyamorous folks who seemed ok.  It it's safe and works why not let people do it?

How did it work out for your friend?


JaniceM said:


> I thought it was gross- it's not "marriage."


Not many years ago a lot of people would have said the same about gay marriages.  Thing have changed a lot, for the better I think.  The only thing I object to is seeing people force their moral ideas onto others.


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## Sassycakes (Sep 4, 2022)

I was 20yrs old when I got married. I thought my husband was the most handsome man and nicest. I was right and we are still married.


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## Been There (Sep 4, 2022)

I am 61 years old, soon to be 62. I have never been married, but have had 3 relationships, one fairly long term. When the long term relationship failed, it broke me into bits. I have never told anyone that until now. I never knew how to handle it. I definitely would have married her and asked her twice, only to be turned down because I was making a career in the military and she didn’t want to get moved around. In my 30 years with the Marines, I was moved 5 times, 6 if you count the first time from advanced flight training. It was a lateral transfer, but was still a move. That breakup probably ruined me from ever getting too involved again.

This woman was married 3 times. Two were cheaters and one was a drunk. She has two of the loveliest daughters I ever met. She died a few weeks ago. She was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma almost out of high school. As treatment, the doctors gave her high doses of radiation and some Chemo drugs. The medications ruined her heart valves and a few years ago, the Cardiologist replaced them. I don’t know what happened, but she became very ill for about a week and then passed. I never left her room.

I feel if I would have been more forceful with her marrying me, she would still be alive. I live with guilt and pain every day now.


Alligatorob said:


> My thinking is that to each his own.  There are lots of different versions of marriage and relationships in the world that seem to work.  I've known a few polygamists and polyamorous folks who seemed ok.  It it's safe and works why not let people do it?
> 
> How did it work out for your friend?
> 
> Not many years ago a lot of people would have said the same about gay marriages.  Thing have changed a lot, for the better I think.  The only thing I object to is seeing people force their moral ideas onto others.


My friend was married only once. Like me, he spent a lot of time in the military and as such was moved around a lot. After their first move, she decided she didn’t want to do that every 5 or so years, so she divorced him.

Doesn’t Will Smith and his wife have an open marriage?


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## Alligatorob (Sep 4, 2022)

Hey Been, 


Been There said:


> I feel if I would have been more forceful with her marrying me, she would still be alive. I live with guilt and pain every day now.


I doubt you could have made any difference in what the Hodgkin's Lymphoma did to her, not your fault in any way.  You can be sad at losing her, but try not to feel that guilt, its misplaced...  Sorry for your loss.


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## JaniceM (Sep 5, 2022)

Alligatorob said:


> My thinking is that to each his own.  There are lots of different versions of marriage and relationships in the world that seem to work.  I've known a few polygamists and polyamorous folks who seemed ok.  It it's safe and works why not let people do it?
> 
> How did it work out for your friend?
> 
> Not many years ago a lot of people would have said the same about gay marriages.  Thing have changed a lot, for the better I think.  The only thing I object to is seeing people force their moral ideas onto others.


Probably many members will want to throw rotten tomatoes at me for saying this, but this is one example of people being badgered with 'we must never say anything is _wrong..'  _Personally, I don't care how many people live together, or what goes on when they do (as long as they're not little kids), but 'marriage' is a couple deciding to spend their lives together so why try to call it something else?  

The couple I knew was legally married to each other, their agreement was they could both have sex with other people _but _only if the spouse 'approved' the other person.. 

I also encountered a young woman (late twenties, years ago) on a forum who said her household consisted of herself, her husband (legally married), their small child, and her 'life partner' (male).  One member remarked 'the more love, the better!'  

Again, I don't care what people do, but don't call it 'marriage' or 'love,' and don't bring little kids into it so they can grow up confused.  And it has nothing to do with 'moral ideas.'


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## JaniceM (Sep 5, 2022)

Been There said:


> Doesn’t Will Smith and his wife have an open marriage?


Yup.  
And same viewpoint- do you recall one of them remarking something like 'we want our kids to make their own choices' when their 13-year-old daughter posed in bed with an adult man?


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## Alligatorob (Sep 5, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> one of them remarking something like 'we want our kids to make their own choices' when their 13-year-old daughter posed in bed with an adult man?


That's illegal and I would hope the man was prosecuted for it.  And perhaps a parent who would say such a thing...


JaniceM said:


> Probably many members will want to throw rotten tomatoes at me for saying this


No rotten tomatoes to throw from here.  Our garden is however producing more than we can eat right now, you are welcome to some ripe ones.


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## Pinky (Sep 5, 2022)

Maturity and commitment to one another is what counts. Some people aren't ready for marriage until their 30's, yet some are ready in their early 20's.


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## Michael Z (Sep 5, 2022)

My oldest daughter married at age 18 and now at age 23 has two children. She is doing fine as she married a wonderful man who is "another" son to me. Her and her husband are both serious in their faith and committed to each other for life.  

My youngest son also got married at only age 22 but for him marriage was about the only way for him to look out for himself better on such things as not running his car without oil, getting health care, etc. He and his wife, both committed in faith, also had a baby right away, even though they are not in the most secure financial situation. But they are learning and will be OK.

For one of my other kids, although older, he is not ready for marriage as even though he has a great job and a lot of money saved, I don't think he is ready for the needed give and take.


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## dko1951 (Sep 5, 2022)

PreciousDove said:


> Well I was once married. I was 28 and had no children. My marriage lasted 12 yrs. and I was very happy that I had no children because I would have ended up being a single Mom. If I did have children I would have told my child when it comes to my topic.. Never but never do something because your friends are getting married. Marriage and children will be the biggest commitment that you will have to commit to.
> 
> If you have any reservations at all then you're not ready. make sure that any aspect in marriage you are thinking about to the fullest. Will you be financially stable, do you have a roof over your head that you could afford, did you talk about who would be working and raising children if there are any in the future. Every aspect needs to be committed to the fullest. You don't want to end up being a statistic.
> 
> What's the perfect age..? When you are committed to the fullest on all aspects of this marriage.


NEVER!


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## Beezer (Sep 19, 2022)

I believe your 20's are for you and your late 20's to early 30's you start to consider children (if you so choose).

I think when you hit 30, the beauty is you finally become who you truly are so I think this is a good age to start a family.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 19, 2022)

fuzzybuddy said:


> We think we just decide to get married and have kids. in our late teens & 20s. But it is programmed into us, via our DNA, by way of hormones.  We've evolved to be social critters, having a mate comes naturally to us.


I agree that (generally speaking) wanting to find a life partner is instinctive..."in our DNA"...but I disagree that marriage is. Marriage is "programmed into us" via social conditioning. Weddings are advertised to appeal to women, and "civil" society shamed women who got pregnant out of wedlock for centuries, and assumed that men who were still single after age 35 had something wrong with them.

Personally, I wish marriage had never been invented. I'm all for throwing a big ol' party when you find your Mr. or Ms. Right, and I'm in favor of working together to make it last, especially after you have a child, I just think the license and the wedding and honeymoon and all that was invented for profit.

Anyway, *the perfect age*: she should be 24, he should be 34. I think that'd be perfect.


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## Beezer (Sep 19, 2022)

I always love weddings. It's that one place you can get to hear those two magical words!

...Open Bar.


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## Murrmurr (Sep 19, 2022)

Beezer said:


> I always love weddings. It's that one place you can get to hear those two magical words!
> 
> ...Open Bar.


Good point.


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## mrstime (Sep 19, 2022)

There is no special age. I was 17 graduated from high school, and he was 19 and in the Navy.  Got pregnant 2 weeks later, and stayed that way for 4 years! Last June 10th we celebrated our 65th anniversary. I wouldn't recommend that for any other 17 and 19 year olds, but we both kind of had to grow up early.


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## Beezer (Sep 19, 2022)

I met my wife the old fashioned way...she picked me up at a Club. lol! We had both went out to see the same local band play that night...she thought I had good hair and a nice butt.

Thirty two years later it's still us against da woild!


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## fuzzybuddy (Sep 20, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I agree that (generally speaking) wanting to find a life partner is instinctive..."in our DNA"...but I disagree that marriage is. Marriage is "programmed into us" via social conditioning. Weddings are advertised to appeal to women, and "civil" society shamed women who got pregnant out of wedlock for centuries, and assumed that men who were still single after age 35 had something wrong with them.
> 
> Personally, I wish marriage had never been invented.


Yeah, Murrmurr, I was imprecise. "Marriage" sounds a lot better than co-habitation. Personally, I notice my buddies starting to want the " house with the picket fence, a spouse and kids".


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## JaniceM (Sep 20, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I agree that (generally speaking) wanting to find a life partner is instinctive..."in our DNA"...but I disagree that marriage is. Marriage is "programmed into us" via social conditioning. Weddings are advertised to appeal to women, and "civil" society shamed women who got pregnant out of wedlock for centuries, and assumed that men who were still single after age 35 had something wrong with them.
> 
> Personally, I wish marriage had never been invented. I'm all for throwing a big ol' party when you find your Mr. or Ms. Right, and I'm in favor of working together to make it last, especially after you have a child, I just think the license and the wedding and honeymoon and all that was invented for profit.
> 
> Anyway, *the perfect age*: she should be 24, he should be 34. I think that'd be perfect.


And why do you believe this age difference would be appropriate?


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## Murrmurr (Sep 20, 2022)

JaniceM said:


> And why do you believe this age difference would be appropriate?


Because men mature slower than women. Also, men don't usually settle on a permanent career or job field until they're around 32 or so, plus by then they're usually established enough to be approved for home and auto loans, and responsible enough to manage them.


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## bowmore (Sep 20, 2022)

I remember my late FIL pressuring us to have kids. He told us we were selfish. I told him if he was willing to pay all their expenses we would have one right away. That shut him up.


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## JaniceM (Sep 20, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Because men mature slower than women. Also, men don't usually settle on a permanent career or job field until they're around 32 or so, plus by then they're usually established enough to be approved for home and auto loans, and responsible enough to manage them.


That makes sense.


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