# Visit or not visit a seriously ill loved one



## i_am_Lois (Mar 26, 2014)

My sister Lori (age 60) has lung cancer which has re-occurred after a short remission. She's gone through chemo for a second time. She is on oxygen. She is at home & needs the constant care of her partner. She is so weak she sleeps almost constantly, can barely walk, needs to wear an adult diaper, is very confused and loss of appetite. She no longer uses her computer and has stopped speaking to everyone on the phone. She has been refusing all requests for visits from her children, grandchildren and me.

I am 1,000 miles away from her. She doesn't live near an airport. In all honesty, it would be complicated, stressful and exhausting for me to make a trip to visit her. That, combined with her wish not to have company, has left me with the decision to remain home.

If I forced myself upon her, it might cause Lori distress. I also feel her partner has enough on her plate taking care of my sister. She doesn't need the additional burden of looking after the needs of a guest.

My problem has been with 3 other family (cousins) who contact me and insist I need to go visit Lori. They say it is my duty because I am her sister. They say this may be my last opportunity to see her (I realize that). These turn into lengthy conversations where they become angry with me. They feel I am uncaring. They claim they would be on the first flight if it were their sister. 

When I am alone and think this through, I feel my decision is the right one. But after a conversation with my cousins I am full of doubt. I start crying and feel horrible about myself. I just don't know what to do.

Can anyone offer me advice?


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## Vivjen (Mar 26, 2014)

Your decision, nobody else's.
when did you last see her, or talk to her on the phone?


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## Happyflowerlady (Mar 26, 2014)

Lois, I think you have made the right decision in not going against your sister's wishes. I know that it has to be hard for you, and it is one of those times when there is just no "right" decision, and you just have to make the best one that you can. 
After watching my mother die in the hospital, and it only added a week to her life; when my dad wanted to die at home, I made arrangements for home care, and told him of he changed his mind, we would take him to the hospital. His sisters thought I should have taken him anyway, regardless of his wishes; but I truly don't think it would have helped, and he was ready to die after my mother had passed away the month before.
If you let your sister know, you will gladly come if and when she wants to see people; then that is about the best that you can do. 
Possibly, her partner could get you on Skype, and you could at least say a few words to your sister that way ??


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## i_am_Lois (Mar 26, 2014)

Vivjen said:


> when did you last see her, or talk to her on the phone?



The last time I saw her was July. She was in a wheelchair. She sent me an email in September saying she was ill again. There were just a few phone conversations shortly after that. I get updates (email & phone) from her partner.
Here's the last photo of Lori and I together, when I saw her in July (while she was still in remission).
View attachment 6178


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## i_am_Lois (Mar 26, 2014)

Happyflowerlady said:


> Possibly, her partner could get you on Skype, and you could at least say a few words to your sister that way ??



That is a wonderful idea that never occurred to me. I will certainly look into that. And thank you for your supportive words.


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 26, 2014)

First I would like to say that I'm very sorry that Lori is so ill, and having lost a sister to lung cancer, I completely understand what she's going through. As Happyflowerlady has already said, if your sister knows that you would be there for her if she wanted you there, that is all that matters. The choice she's making is a very personal one, and should be honored.

To force a visit on her at this delicate time, would be very unfair to both Lori and her partner to be sure. Please don't let your cousins lay a guilt trip on you, you're honoring your sister's wishes, period...no further explanations needed on your part. People have a funny way of not just giving their opinions on how things should be, but insisting that others follow what they would do (or think they would do) in a similar situation. People like that, even if family, should be told when to stop their meddling.

I only have one older sister that lives in another state, who's still alive, as my brother and oldest sister have both already passed. I've already made it clear to my husband, that if I was home or in the hospital dying from a serious illness or injury, that I did not want any visiting from my sister, or other family. He agreed that he would be so involved with me, that it would be hard to have guests at that tender time.

My heart goes out to you and your sister Lois, but as far as I'm concerned you are doing absolutely the right thing. That is what your sister wants, and she is the only one who matters at this time...not the cousins. There's nothing to feel bad or guilty about.  Hugs.


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## Vivjen (Mar 26, 2014)

There you are.....we are with you in your decision....and Skype is a great idea.

Don't feel guilty, whatever you decide to do....lots of hugs to both of you.


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## i_am_Lois (Mar 26, 2014)

SeaBreeze said:


> I've already made it clear to my husband, that if I was home or in the hospital dying from a serious illness or injury, that I did not want any visiting from my sister, or other family. He agreed that he would be so involved with me, that it would be hard to have guests at that tender time.



I have come to realize what a private, personal, sensitive time grave illness/end of life, can be. Many years ago my father didn't contact me to let me know my mother was hospitalized and dying. At the time I couldn't understand why I was excluded. It has become very clear to me now though. And like you, when my own time comes it will be my choice to limit those involved. I think I may only want my husband there.

Thank you SeaBreeze for your thoughtful words.


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## i_am_Lois (Mar 26, 2014)

Thanks Vivjen!


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## Ina (Mar 26, 2014)

Lois, my heart is with you, and I too think you are doing what's best for your sister. Remember her as she wants you to, and I'm sure that guilt isn't a memory she would want for you. (Hug)


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## i_am_Lois (Mar 26, 2014)

Thank you Ina for your words of support.


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## Ina (Mar 26, 2014)

Lois, Treat yourself gently.


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## Gael (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm very saddened to read this Lois and please know I will keep you and your sister in my prayers.

You're being pressured unfairly by family members who think they know best. I don't think they do. I feel you are thinking more clearly at this time.

They are disregarding the clear wishes of your sister. You would know in your heart of hearts what is right but you are being leaned upon and therein lies the dilemma.

To me it's more about others wanting you to do what is not truly in the best interests of the one person who is suffering most. It would probably put their minds at ease for you to go. But that's not what it's about or should be about. 

It should be about the person who is suffering the most, your sister. Put her first above all else I would say to you and God give you strength and continued clarity of thought and purpose.


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## Jackie22 (Mar 27, 2014)

.........some really good advice here, Lois, many hugs to you this morning.


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