# Have you ever lost a loved one?



## Shalimar (Apr 27, 2015)

Have you ever lost a loved one? How have you dealt with it/how are you dealing with it? What, if anything, do you need from others to help you cope?


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## Glinda (Apr 27, 2015)

Even after having gone through a difficult divorce, I never really understood the term "broken heart" until I lost a dear friend to cancer several years ago.  He was only 44.  As his cancer progressed and my hope that he might pull through turned to despair, I realized that death has the power to break us in the cruelest way. The grieving process for me took many months.  Even after a year, some small memory of him would bring tears.  It took about two years before I fully came to terms with his death.  His death taught me the lesson of treasuring every moment with those you love.  Now I can think of him and smile.


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## Underock1 (Apr 27, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Have you ever lost a loved one? How have you dealt with it/how are you dealing with it? What, if anything, do you need from others to help you cope?



We lost our younger son less than a year ago, and I lost my wife on March 25th. Just addressing the questions; we both handled John's death very well. Without the long story, he was fifty, his life was a mess, and his future prospects bleak.
We were very close. He lived with us and was our loving caregiver, but his death resolved a lot of problems. It hurts. You miss
not hearing him say "Dad" anymore. With his death, caring for my wife, and holding our lives together, occupied a lot of the time we might have spent grieving. Shortly after, my wife's problems worsened, leading to hospitalization. She slowly deteriorated over a period of months, but as I've posted in other threads, we had a wonderful, loving, long goodbye. She slipped away gently, and never knew she was dieing. We had 56 great years together. I deal with it by crying a lot. There are an awful lot of financial matters that have to be dealt with, and keeping busy helps. I have finally cleared the last of those up today. Eleanor's ashes are on her dresser with a picture of her playing with our first born at two months.
Its tough. Remembering hurts, but you want to hang on to every shred of memory. I am a pretty self contained person. I really prefer dealing with it all by myself. Acceptance is the key. "Everything that has a beginning, has an ending. Make your peace with that, and all will be well".


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## merlin (Apr 28, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Have you ever lost a loved one? How have you dealt with it/how are you dealing with it? What, if anything, do you need from others to help you cope?



I lost my wife to cancer in '96 which broke my heart and at the funeral I became overloaded with emotion, it brought up all my previous losses of parents and others close to me. The final farewell in the hospice is ever with me, and though easier, the memory of it can still easily bring me to tears to this day.

Another painful tragedy was the death by drowning of my granddaughter Lelaina at the age of 5 in 2002, I was living in Wiltshire, about 80 miles away at the time I received the news by a phone call. I rushed to my daughter Caroline's side and stayed with her for several months and subsequently we bought a house together. Caroline went on to have two more children by Lelaina's father, but the relationship broke down and Caroline still lives with me.

The death of a child is something a mother never gets over, and though easier now, Caroline still thinks of Lelaina daily, it did have a positive side, because a local newspaper picked up the story and subsequently raised a lot of money to provide a rescue hovercraft, which has saved several lives since (see links below) this has helped Caroline's grieving process enormously, to see that her daughters death has brought some good into the world. It also brought us as a family much closer together which has continued to this day.


http://is.gd/PWO39u

http://is.gd/yowLU2

http://is.gd/YHKdWw


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## Ameriscot (Apr 28, 2015)

How heartbreaking, Merlin!  What a lovely little girl!  Losing a child has got to be the most painful thing in the world.  

Friends of ours lost their daughter to leukemia just after her 9th birthday.  They talk about her all the time and visit her grave often.  It's been nearly 3 years. 

Lost my husband's apparently very healthy niece 8 years ago suddenly at the age of 17.  (brain aneurysm).  That was the saddest funeral I've ever been to.  The church was overflowing and even the priest had to struggle very hard to stay composed.


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## Ralphy1 (Apr 28, 2015)

Death at any age can bring grief to loved ones but the death of a child is almost impossible to bear.  Best to all who have suffered from such a tragedy...


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## merlin (Apr 28, 2015)

Ameriscot said:


> How heartbreaking, Merlin!  What a lovely little girl!  Losing a child has got to be the most painful thing in the world.
> 
> Friends of ours lost their daughter to leukemia just after her 9th birthday.  They talk about her all the time and visit her grave often.  It's been nearly 3 years.
> 
> Lost my husband's apparently very healthy niece 8 years ago suddenly at the age of 17.  (brain aneurysm).  That was the saddest funeral I've ever been to.  The church was overflowing and even the priest had to struggle very hard to stay composed.



Yes Annie and if its an accident, there is all the guilt around whether you did all you could to prevent it, and in this case Lelaina's father in trying to rescue her, got up to his waist in the mud but just couldn't reach before the tide took her away. He never got over his failure to reach her, a terrible day.
Terminal illnesses in children is another painful experience that must be heartbreaking.


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## Ameriscot (Apr 28, 2015)

merlin said:


> Yes Annie and if its an accident, there is all the guilt around whether you did all you could to prevent it, and in this case Lelaina's father in trying to rescue her, got up to his waist in the mud but just couldn't reach before the tide took her away. He never got over his failure to reach her, a terrible day.
> Terminal illnesses in children is another painful experience that must be heartbreaking.



Guilt would make it totally unbearable.  How does one recover from the guilt and grief?  

I've had two friends whose kids got leukemia, the other is perfectly healthy now.  The other had a bone marrow transplant but it didn't help.  Their charity (Anthony Nolan) had a runner in the London marathon on Sunday with this little girl's photo on it.  The parents really aren't doing very well with coping although their two surviving kids are doing very well in school and other activities.


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## QuickSilver (Apr 28, 2015)

I've lost everyone...   Other than my two sons, I am the only one left..   Who hasn't lost loved ones when you get into your 60's


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## Ameriscot (Apr 28, 2015)

QuickSilver said:


> I've lost everyone...   Other than my two sons, I am the only one left..   Who hasn't lost loved ones when you get into your 60's



I really value my 3 siblings now and we've become closer.  Except for one aunt there is no one left of the generation before us.  And we had a very close family even being close to distant cousins.


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## Kadee (Apr 28, 2015)

I lost a brother at 14 years and 11 months old to the date in 1964 ,( I was 18 at the time)  he was in what was called in the 60s as a reformatory for boys as he was a little out of control......I will never forget the cold callous way we were informed by two men from what is called now as family services .. I answered the knock on the door that day let the two  men in who asked to see my parents , they stood at the end of the table and coldly said "got bad news for you the boy is dead !! "
My brother was special to me as I took care of him every day when he was home, he suffered from epilepsy, we had a wooden stick from the doctors we would put in his mouth to "quote stop him swallowing  his tongue" when he had a seizure ...which I learnt latter was incorrect as it was not possible to swallow your tongue ...


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## Shalimar (Apr 28, 2015)

Oh Kadee, how very sad. What callous men. Hugs.:love_heart:


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## Shalimar (Apr 28, 2015)

Merlin, I am so sorry, how terrible the loss of a child is.


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## Ameriscot (Apr 28, 2015)

Kadee, how sad and how cruel of the men not to show any compassion.


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## AprilT (Apr 28, 2015)

Lots of losses, especially difficult were the loss of my sisters and a brother when they were in their 30's and 40's.  One of my sisters who was terminal, the good thing she came back from the brink, but, health went back and forth often, many hospital visits.  I moved her into my home to care for her and her kids.  I cared for her till just months before her death, this was an extremely difficult loss as was my other siblings that followed not too long after; two other sisters passed about a year apart.  I had many nightmares related to their deaths in the first years, but, now, I live for most of the dreams I have when I'm spending time with them as they are alive and vibrant and we're always just doing normal things we would have been doing had they still been here today.  

Some people can't understand the bond of some siblings and how devastating that loss can be for some thinking it's less than some other loss, I assure you it is as overwhelming for some people as with any type of loss what I and my siblings went through in life together bonded us in ways that often people who never shared such a bond, just don't or won't get and belittle the loss when comparing it to other losses, but such is life and loss.  There is a space that just can't be filled, though, I am so thankful for the beautiful friends I have who I feel a great bond with and would dearly miss if anything ever happened to them as well.  Sad thing is ever so often, I get a fear when I get too close to newer people as the thought of more loss just aches too much.  I know that's not a good thing to do, but, I just don't know how much more I can deal with, so, I've kind of find myself numbing myself at times.


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## Shalimar (Apr 28, 2015)

Wow, April, so much loss! Amazed that you have coped this well. Thank goodness you have good friends to help fill a part of your life. No wonder you find it difficult to be close to new people considering what you have been through. It is a testament to your strength and courage that you reach out at :love_heart: All.


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## applecruncher (Apr 28, 2015)

Most if not all of the people here have lost loved ones - it would be unusual for anyone on this board not to have suffered a loss due to death of relative or someone we cared about.

Me....mother, father, brother, grandparents, lots of aunts, uncles, cousins.


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## Lon (Apr 28, 2015)

After a great marriage of 32  years I lost my first wife to Pancreatic Cancer in 1989. There isn't a day go bye that I don't think of her and even though I remarried I thought about her continually during the 23 years of my second marriage. Now, here I am at 80 single and divorced and I still miss her.


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## Cookie (Apr 28, 2015)

I think we've all lost someone very dear and close to us and I feel for everyone. It hurts so much.  My list is long too and I still cry.  I went to a grieving support group after my mother died, and I don't know if it helped. But it was good to be with others with similar experiences. I was never the same again and my world became a strange empty place.  Being with people helps. That is why after a death we need to celebrate life with friends and family, food, drink, music and sometimes sex, to reaffirm our existence for the time we have left.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Apr 28, 2015)

I have lost my parents and grandparents (actually only my grandmother-the others passed before I was born.) And my grandnephew when he was just 16,in a car accident. But right now I am losing my beloved niece,from a rare form of cancer that is no longer responding to the meds used to treat it and at surgery a few weeks ago,they opened her and immediately closed her up. Too extensive to operate. She is the kindest,funniest woman you could ever meet. She has the biggest heart ever. On Thursday,my daughters and sisters and I are going to visit (it`s a four hour drive) provided she is up to a visit. Friday night she was taken to the hospital with extreme dehydration-after three bags of IV fluids they released her and after sleeping all day Saturday,she was feeling very good on Sunday. They are bringing Hospice in this week so hopefully they will be able to prevent the dehydration from happening again-and give her husband and kids some much needed help. We are still praying for a miracle though-she was put on a new med just before the attempted surgery and is now back on it. There is always a chance that it could begin to shrink the tumors and give her more time. That is our prayer.


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## Cookie (Apr 28, 2015)

Mrs. Robinson, I am so sorry to hear about your niece.  What a difficult and so incredibly stressful situation for everyone. Hopefully the new meds will do some good. My best wishes for improvement in her condition and that you have a good visit on Thursday.


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## jujube (Apr 28, 2015)

Grandparents, a couple of uncles, my father and my husband of 37 years.  I'm not sure you ever "get over it" but you do move on in a manner of speaking.


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## Debby (Apr 28, 2015)

AprilT said:


> Lots of losses, especially difficult were the loss of my sisters and a brother when they were in their 30's and 40's.  One of my sisters who was terminal, the good thing she came back from the brink, but, health went back and forth often, many hospital visits.  I moved her into my home to care for her and her kids.  I cared for her till just months before her death, this was an extremely difficult loss as was my other siblings that followed not too long after; two other sisters passed about a year apart.  I had many nightmares related to their deaths in the first years, but, now, I live for most of the dreams I have when I'm spending time with them as they are alive and vibrant and we're always just doing normal things we would have been doing had they still been here today.
> 
> Some people can't understand the bond of some siblings and how devastating that loss can be for some thinking it's less than some other loss, I assure you it is as overwhelming for some people as with any type of loss what I and my siblings went through in life together bonded us in ways that often people who never shared such a bond, just don't or won't get and belittle the loss when comparing it to other losses, but such is life and loss.  There is a space that just can't be filled, though, I am so thankful for the beautiful friends I have who I feel a great bond with and would dearly miss if anything ever happened to them as well.  Sad thing is ever so often, I get a fear when I get too close to newer people as the thought of more loss just aches too much.  I know that's not a good thing to do, but, I just don't know how much more I can deal with, so, I've kind of find myself numbing myself at times.




April, my sincerest condolences to you and my awe over your lovingness (bad word I know but I can't think of a better way to describe your decision to care for your one sister when she was sick)!  People like you are so amazing, watching you give and give!  I truly mean that!  My two aunts were women like that in their own ways.  So kudos for having a great big heart!

And loss is loss, none is worse than any other in my opinion because somebody you love in every instance is gone.  Old or young, love is still love and my heart goes out to all of you who've had to go through that experience :love_heart:!


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## SeaBreeze (Apr 28, 2015)

My sympathy to everyone here who has lost a loved one, especially a child or a spouse, some sad stories on this thread for sure.   I lost my brother at thirty, suddenly, he had some kind of a heart attack, but had no health problem leading up to it.  My oldest sister died at 42 with cancer.  My mother was heartbroken to have to bury her babies, only then did I realize the intense pain of a grieving mother.   We have no children, and I still have my husband who is in pretty good health, but I can become teary when I even have thoughts of losing him.  My heart goes out to all of you who've lost their husbands, wives, siblings or children.


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## AprilT (Apr 28, 2015)

Debby said:


> April, my sincerest condolences to you and my awe over your lovingness (bad word I know but I can't think of a better way to describe your decision to care for your one sister when she was sick)!  People like you are so amazing, watching you give and give!  I truly mean that!  My two aunts were women like that in their own ways.  So kudos for having a great big heart!
> 
> *And loss is loss, none is worse than any other in my opinion because somebody you love in every instance is gone.  Old or young, love is still love and my heart goes out to all of you who've had to go through that experience *:love_heart:!




Thank you, but as you can see, there will always be those who will diminish one over another because their experience or someone else's felt different to theirs because they think they know what everyone's loss feels like as compared to another, it's insulting to say the least.


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## grannyjo (Apr 30, 2015)

Yes,  as the youngest of a very large family of siblings,  I have lost most of them.  Only three survive out of the fifteen I had.

I tend to withdraw each time, for a couple of days,  to reflect on the good times we had together,  then to grieve their passing.

I accept,  that as the youngest, I will probably survive the other two sisters and one brother I have left.  They are in their eighties and nineties now, and I'm only in my seventies.

As a family,  we tend to live long lives,  and we rejoice for that.


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## QuickSilver (Apr 30, 2015)

I think that at our ages.... It would be very rare indeed to find anyone who has never lost a loved one... or two... or three... or more...


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## AZ Jim (Apr 30, 2015)

I have experienced several losses but I don't want to discuss them here.


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## QuickSilver (Apr 30, 2015)

Yeah... me neither...  I hold them all deep in my heart


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## Warrigal (Apr 30, 2015)

Ameriscot said:


> I really value my 3 siblings now and we've become closer.  Except for one aunt there is no one left of the generation before us.  And we had a very close family even being close to distant cousins.



This is where my husband and I are at. We each have one surviving auntie and keep in touch with them and some cousins. We also make the effort so stay close to our siblings, children and grandchildren. 

I lost my father when I was 25. He died suddenly from a heart attack aged 59. I felt absolutely bereft for several years but it taught me the value of making the most of every day and living as if this day could be your last, or the last of someone that you love.

I have had to come to terms the possibility that I could outlive my son due to his lifestyle. The women in my family tend to live long lives, the men who smoke and drink die much earlier. 

The saddest death I ever experienced was a student who was brutally murdered by a sex offender on parole. She was only sixteen years old. It shocked me to the core and I still see her face and feel her loss.


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## Bullie76 (May 1, 2015)

Never married so haven't lost a wife or child. But all my immediate family that I grew up with(parents,brother,aunts,uncles,etc) are gone. It's something we all deal with if you live long enough. But I do have 2 nephews, one niece and cousins I keep up with and have family gatherings.


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## hollydolly (May 1, 2015)

Oh my goodness, such sad , sad stories, my heart aches for you all.. :love_heart:


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## Shalimar (May 1, 2015)

Holly, you have such a big warm heart.:love_heart:


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## AZ Jim (May 1, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Holly, you have such a big warm heart.:love_heart:



You can't have her, she's mine.


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