# Seniors Today...Parenting Our Parents



## SeaBreeze (Feb 20, 2019)

As young children, most of us had mothers and fathers who protected us, cared for us, fed and clothed us, taught us and guided us up until adulthood and sometimes beyond.  When you were young, did you ever think that one day you may be caring for your mom or dad in the same way they took care of you in your early years?

My sister and my mother lived in the same state, and when it was time for my sister to move to another state because of her husband's career, shortly afterwards she convinced my mother to move in with her, because my mom was elderly and not doing well with her health.  My sister's family lived with my mother in their home until she passed on from a serious stroke.  They were happy to have her.

My husband's parents lived near us and the same type of thing happened, they both became so ill that it was either go to a nursing home or come and live with us, we were happy to have them live in our home on the main level where they could have wheelchairs and not deal with stairs, his father was bedridden and couldn't really do anything for himself, half paralyzed by major stroke.

Have you needed to care for a parent who could no longer do things for themselves anymore?  Did you ever imagine as a child that something like that would ever happen in your family?  I never even thought of that as a child.


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## Keesha (Feb 20, 2019)

My parents didn’t care for me well and they are now at the age of needing help but there is no way they are moving in with us. 
Nobody in this situation would want that it benefit from it. At the current moment my brother and I are helping care for my parents long distance since they still live in their own home and it’s really difficult.
Did I ever think I’d be doing this? 
No! I always thought I’d die first but I don’t mind doing it.


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## SeaBreeze (Feb 20, 2019)

I can see your case is different Keesha, but you and your brother are actually caring for your parents in their old age even if it's long distance.  It's kind of you to care for them now, even though they weren't always there for you as a child.


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## C'est Moi (Feb 20, 2019)

I never gave it much thought when I was younger.   Unfortunately both my parents have passed on, and they both lived in their home and were self-sufficient until they died.  We help care for my 84 year old MIL.   She is a sweet and spry little woman and still lives in her own home on 6 acres.   My husband and his brother take care of the mowing, maintenance and her finances.   They installed video cameras in her house so they can check on her periodically with a cellphone app, and she has Visiting Angels that check on her daily.   So far that is working well but if the time comes when she can't live on her own she is always welcome here.


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## SeaBreeze (Feb 20, 2019)

C'est Moi, good to hear that your MIL is able to live in her own home at her age, the cameras are a good idea to make sure she's okay when home alone.  I've heard of Visiting Angels and wondered how that service was, my husband and I have no children and we both would want to stay in our home until the end if possible, no nearby relatives either.  I would use a service like that if I needed it, just worry they would not be trustworthy.  My mother had someone come in a couple of times a week for light cleaning of her apartment, and she was missing sentimental family jewelry that she kept in her drawer, nothing really expensive, but meant a lot to her.  Very good of you to welcome her in your home if needed.


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## C'est Moi (Feb 20, 2019)

SeaBreeze said:


> C'est Moi, good to hear that your MIL is able to live in her own home at her age, the cameras are a good idea to make sure she's okay when home alone.  I've heard of Visiting Angels and wondered how that service was, my husband and I have no children and we both would want to stay in our home until the end if possible, no nearby relatives either.  I would use a service like that if I needed it, just worry they would not be trustworthy.  My mother had someone come in a couple of times a week for light cleaning of her apartment, and she was missing sentimental family jewelry that she kept in her drawer, nothing really expensive, but meant a lot to her.  Very good of you to welcome her in your home if needed.



So far the Visiting Angels have worked out very well, though my MIL was resistant to the idea at first.   She didn't want "strangers" in her house, but she got to know them and it has gone well.   

One reason for the cameras was to make sure she was not mistreated or had anything of value go missing.  The cameras are in plain sight and my husband made sure the Visiting Angels people are aware that the cameras are there.  That sort of keeps the honest people honest if they know they are being filmed.  My MIL's long-term care insurance pays for the Visiting Angels service.


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## Aunt Bea (Feb 21, 2019)

I never gave it a thought when I was growing up.

I never provided direct personal or medical care to my parents but I did provide support for several years by running errands, taking them to medical appointments, managing finances, etc...


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## SeaBreeze (Feb 21, 2019)

That's good that you helped them out Aunt Bea, we used to run a lot of errands for my in-laws when they were in their own house, also cleaning and yard work, hubby took care of their finances although I'd help with simple things like writing a check for them to pay their bills.  Gotta be tough for an elderly person living alone who has no help at all with these type of things.

I thought not many of us gave it a thought when we were young.  I think if I had a grandparent living with us I'd have a completely different idea on how things would be when I was an adult as far as caring for older family members.


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## Sassycakes (Feb 21, 2019)

I was lucky enough to care for my Mother after my Dad passed away. She was 79yrs old and she moved in with me. After she passed away my Husbands Dad was living alone and wasn't doing well. None of my Husbands Sisters  or Brothers were able to help him so my Husband and I cared for him until he passed away. I told my children that if I ever needed care to please put me in a nursing home. I don't want my children to give up their life to care for me. It isn't an easy thing to do.


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## jujube (Feb 21, 2019)

There's been a term coined for this:  Parentification.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 3, 2019)

I so understand.  My parents were very abusive, and I come from a very complicated family situation.  I saw my dad last when I was 18, but he died many years ago.  He married several times, had several children, and we all were fortunate that he died when he did.

My mother, however, is still alive at the age of 94.  She is still a horrid person.  I saw her last four years ago and will not see her again.  I still accept her phone calls.

Luckily, she worshiped my brother from the time of his birth.  Family dynamics being what they were, she was his favorite parent.  As she aged she chose to always live near him.  Since he considered us extremely poor (and we certainly were/are in comparison to him) he has always helped her.  I have not had to contribute, but I do send her money at the holidays.

I have fortunately been spared the decision of contributing to her well being.  I would not do so happily so I admire you for not resenting having to help your parents out.  What is odd/laughable about our situation-she is in better health than we are.  Lol, she will outlive us all.


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## WhatInThe (Mar 3, 2019)

Like Aunt Bea I've had to run errands, take to appointments etc. Along with cleaning,washing, misc repairs, getting meds, etc including handling freshly soiled clothing, sheets etc for several years. Both parents never relented on control of their affairs even when ill. They only took help when they actually physical unable or unavailable but if they could get up stay awake they opened the mail, wrote checks, made phone calls. It's funny one side of the family/grandparent took zero help while others gave ours things like power of attorney well before they passed. I'm going to be  going down with the ship handling my own affairs until the absolute bitter end.


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## MeAgain (Mar 12, 2019)

Sassycakes said:


> I was lucky enough to care for my Mother after my Dad passed away. She was 79yrs old and she moved in with me. After she passed away my Husbands Dad was living alone and wasn't doing well. None of my Husbands Sisters  or Brothers were able to help him so my Husband and I cared for him until he passed away. I told my children that if I ever needed care to please put me in a nursing home. I don't want my children to give up their life to care for me. It isn't an easy thing to do.





  Some people don't have the privilege of caring for their parents they are not able but I was fairly young and able.  

I would not take anything and I do mean anything for taking care of my mother when she passed. She didn't spend one day in the hospital with lung cancer. We rented oxygen tank, hospital bed, and I gave her her meds.
  Sh passed in our living room. And hubby helped undertaker put her in the bod bag. I took her last pulse and knew she was leaving. I did freak out a little though and screamed. Fire department came to check and confirm.
   Those last few months we got closer and I had my first grand baby to help me through it.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 12, 2019)

MeAgain,

I am so impressed with you and anyone else who cares for their elderly parents in this manner.  It is clear you loved her very much.  Love is the key.  It's great to hear the nicer stories.

Had my mother choose to live near me, I would have seen to her care.  Out of obligation.  A whole different circumstance, I am glad we are both spared that situation.  But she could never live with me.


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