# Blending the extended family -  I seriously need advice



## GuardianAngelof4 (Apr 10, 2021)

I don't know if this will help or if anyone has any advice. I'm kind of at my wit's end. 

My son has three children - two are officially, legally, biologically his.  One he acted as daddy since she was 4 months old when he married her mother.  There was a bitter divorce when kids were 11, 9, and 5. He shared custody and had them every other week - including the one that he never adopted.  

About a year later, he announced that he had a girlfriend (GF) and she was moving in with her three kids, ages 7, 5, and 4. His sisters and I were a little taken aback but we knew he had been seeing, but had not been introduced, well, maybe once, and had never met her children.  We tried to be supportive, but his kids were having a hard time with it and now, nearly 6 years later, the non-adopted daughter does not spend much time with this "blended family",  for a variety of reasons.  

We all love my son, and his kids, but at the time, the GF's kids were clearly having difficulty adjusting as well and this made them hard to be around.  There were some behavior and self-control issues, that have since (thank goodness) been addressed and are under control with counseling and medication.   We still tried to include them in as many activities and family things as possible, but they had every other weekend with their own bio-dad, and missed a lot of birthday parties, cook outs, and so on.  

Before all of this happened, before the divorce, before GF moved in, I had a day once a week when I could pick up all the grandkids from school, we would go out for ice cream or the playground, or do some arts and crafts projects, during the summer we would go to the museum, or movies, or just hang out at my house.  After GF moved in, this became a bone of contention.  It was not reasonable to pick up all of the kids (I do have 4 other grandkids not really a part of this story) in a vehicle only suited for 6 but regardless of that, when it was brought up - and it was - "Why can't GF's kids be included?", that was actually the primary reason they were not.  Still, I invited.  "If you want me to include them, great, they are all so close in age, they would have fun, but can GF bring them to (where ever we were going)?"  because I didn't have enough PHYSICAL room.  This lack of space eventually translated to lack of space in my heart, per my son.  

Then came COVID.  There was no after school pick up or arts and crafts days or anything for a few months.  We started getting together again over the summer, some, since we had all been isolated, but mostly the kids came to my house, played in the yard, did crafts, ate dinner together.  And not all of the kids came, one of my daughters kept her son home except for rare visits on the weekend and not when anyone else was at my house.

So here we are, 6 years later. He's come and begged me to accept them and treat them the same as all my other grandchildren - and I do, as much as I am physically capable of.  

I can't treat them EXACTLY the same because in spite of it being almost 6 years since they moved in, they are NOT my grandchildren.  I have not known them since birth, I have not been able to get to know all of their personality quirks, boundaries, limits, preferences, etc.  My son says I'm sharper with them that I am with the others.  Maybe so?  I don't know.  I try not to be.  I buy them birthday and Christmas presents, and they have recently started coming to my house once a week with most of the other kids.  And it was getting better.  The GF kids were forging relationships with all the other kids.  There have been some rocky moments, and there are two out of all the kids that I can't leave alone for long, but mostly it has been a good growing thing.  GF is good for my son, keeping him focused and steady, more balanced than he has been ever, I think.  Definitely more balanced that his ex-wife.  He also loves her and she clearly loves him. That's all a good growing thing as well.

But.   There have been some things.  GF is brash and opinionated, and loud.  And one of those people who "tells the truth even if it hurts."  Early on she said some things in person, and via my son, that caused my daughters to pull back.  They tried to be open and welcoming but there were incidents that caused them - and me if I'm honest here - to be cautious in their interactions with her.  Too easy to offend.  She is a lot.  A lot to deal with.  She voices unasked opinions about many things, and is offended if someone does not agree with her.  She's young, a bit younger than all of my kids, so we take it with grain of salt and let her do her and try not to get offended or engage in animosity.  She calls us "fake" and "insincere" due to that.  My son says we need to "do some reading and learn how to deal with a blended family".  Well I have researched articles and blogs and tried to find the secret ingredient that they seem to think we are missing to become a great "blended extended family".  All I can find is takes time, and no time table is the same for any family - extended or otherwise.

And here is where it takes a turn for the worse.  The last time all the kids were here, there was a thunderstorm and she did not want to drive in it.  I said sure, just stay here where it's safe.  After the storm passed it was late so I said, let me go get food for the kids and bring it back, we can eat before they go, you stay here with them. OK that's good.  Well.  She asked to play with the iPad while I was away, I said sure. I hesitated, and my mistake, trusted that she would not snoop.  WRONG.  She opened my messages.  Read all my message threads from WAY WAY BACK.  Discussions my daughters and I had had about how to deal with some of the time we have had to be careful about what we said to her, in front of her, in front of her kids.  Some of the things that were just eye-rolling offensive, but we didn't rock the boat.  PERSONAL messages.  Not only that she took screenshot of EVERYTHING and showed my son. THEN GOT MAD because WE TALKED ABOUT HER.  She then wrote a horrible email to my and my daughters about all the private conversations she read.  Then my son told me that neither his kids nor hers would be spending any time with me in the foreseeable future - which is counter-intuitive.  

*ok I'm getting angry again at the violation of privacy and my own naivete.  If I could turn back time....*

Now, she says, via email "I would love to be able to congregate and discuss this like adults."  What's to discuss?  Especially after the violation of privacy, I'm not comfortable talking with her at all.  Before the blow up where she read something that was never meant for her eyes, I just asked for the time to get to know the kids, and time to adjust.  I know it's been nearly six years but only being around them once in a great while before and only recently once a week has not afforded me time to be as "open-hearted" (her words) to her and her kids as I am with the ones I've known since birth. 

MY QUESTION: What do I do?  How do I tell them that as much as I want to love and associate with her kids, I need time? They seem to think that there is some magic acceptance I'm not doing.  I am frustrated and angry and sad and no idea how to fix this.


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## HoneyNut (Apr 10, 2021)

When adopting children the advice is fake it til you feel it.  Maybe that would work for blended families grandchildren.  Also, activities for bonding work best if they include being face to face, action and laughter (such as going to the movies isn't as good for bonding as something like trying to land popcorn in each other's cup at the dining table).
Family therapy would probably be good, I did that with my kid when she was a troublesome teenager and it was super helpful for both of us.  Sorry I don't have much specific advice, those kind of complicated family situations with your daughter-in-law just terrify me, I think it sounds like you have been doing awesomely.  It's ironic that she wants so much to be loved and respected and part of the family, and yet she tramples common boundaries (at least they seem common to me, but I do think young people these days are a little intrusive about trying to check each others phone messages, they seriously need a modern Miss Manners).


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## Keesha (Apr 10, 2021)

This sounds complicated. Unfortunately I have no advice to offer but I wish you the best in resolving it.


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## Leonie (Apr 10, 2021)

Hi Guardianangelo, I'm so sorry for you in this situation.  Unfortunately, I have no answers for you either but can relate. You could be talking about one of my daughters-in-law.  In the end, I just gave up, decided it was all too hard, nothing I said or did was ever going to be enough.  I no longer see my grandkids, or my son for that matter, apart from the occasional Instagram video chat.  It's very sad.

My other son could never please her either, she was always sniping at him.  He no longer sees his brother, or his nephews and nieces either.  She seems to fall out with just about everybody.  She was estranged from her own family for years, then reunited, then estranged again. It is all very stressful but some people just can't be reasoned with and sometimes we just have to think of our own wellbeing.

I hope you have a better outcome.


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## Chet (Apr 10, 2021)

If she is only a GF and not a wife, get your son to cut her loose and send her on her merry way. It's not fixable.


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## MarciKS (Apr 10, 2021)

no offense but have you tried telling them to grow up?


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## Elsie (Apr 10, 2021)

It might help your relationship with her kids if you asked them (gritting your teeth, in a smiling friendly way)   if they'd like you all to get together for fun, just you and them.  They vote on what that would be, and what would be fun for all.  If it's okay with their mother.  Their mother might appreciate this and soften up towards you.   (I can't think of what might be of help your situation...)


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## Dana (Apr 10, 2021)

Your health is the important factor here...so...if they won't give you time to sort your feelings out... take it. Extricate yourself from the situation and leave everyone to paddle their own canoe. Take a holiday and smell the roses. Not advice, just what I would do.


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## GuardianAngelof4 (Apr 10, 2021)

HoneyNut said:


> When adopting children the advice is fake it til you feel it.  Maybe that would work for blended families grandchildren.  Also, activities for bonding work best if they include being face to face, action and laughter (such as going to the movies isn't as good for bonding as something like trying to land popcorn in each other's cup at the dining table).
> Family therapy would probably be good, I did that with my kid when she was a troublesome teenager and it was super helpful for both of us.  Sorry I don't have much specific advice, those kind of complicated family situations with your daughter-in-law just terrify me, I think it sounds like you have been doing awesomely.  It's ironic that she wants so much to be loved and respected and part of the family, and yet she tramples common boundaries (at least they seem common to me, but I do think young people these days are a little intrusive about trying to check each others phone messages, they seriously need a modern Miss Manners).


I really thought we were making progress. The kids have been joining us for weekly get-togethers, just me and grandchildren and step-ish grands, and I have been trying to interact with them and learn their likes and dislikes.  There are 4 in the same age group 9.5, 10, 10, 10.5 and for the most part the kids enjoy each other.  Like I said, everything I've read said it takes time.  My timetable just has not been fast enough for my son and his girlfriend.  She read some things about herself that she didn't like and pretty much decided I am trying to mess up the good thing she and my son have going when nothing could be further from the truth.  I'm just appalled and furious still about her reading my private messages.


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## GuardianAngelof4 (Apr 10, 2021)

Leonie said:


> Hi Guardianangelo, I'm so sorry for you in this situation.  Unfortunately, I have no answers for you either but can relate. You could be talking about one of my daughters-in-law.  In the end, I just gave up, decided it was all too hard, nothing I said or did was ever going to be enough.  I no longer see my grandkids, or my son for that matter, apart from the occasional Instagram video chat.  It's very sad.
> 
> My other son could never please her either, she was always sniping at him.  He no longer sees his brother, or his nephews and nieces either.  She seems to fall out with just about everybody.  She was estranged from her own family for years, then reunited, then estranged again. It is all very stressful but some people just can't be reasoned with and sometimes we just have to think of our own wellbeing.
> 
> I hope you have a better outcome.


While he and his ex-wife are still in an acrimonious relationship, she and I still communicate. We aren't besties or anything, but she shares events and messages from the kids and loves that they come  to see me once a week or so.  I don't think he will be able to prevent them from seeing me ever again, and I'm not sure that's what my son wants. It just may be a while, or until I figure out what they need from me.


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## GuardianAngelof4 (Apr 10, 2021)

Chet said:


> If she is only a GF and not a wife, get your son to cut her loose and send her on her merry way. It's not fixable.


I doubt that will happen, at least not at this point.  They seem to make each other happy and from here it looks like her kids really love him, and in a lot of ways she is good for him.  It's just this stumbling block with them that we - his sisters and I - cannot meet the expectations they have set up for us.


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## GuardianAngelof4 (Apr 10, 2021)

Elsie said:


> It might help your relationship with her kids if you asked them (gritting your teeth, in a smiling friendly way)   if they'd like you all to get together for fun, just you and them.  They vote on what that would be, and what would be fun for all.  If it's okay with their mother.  Their mother might appreciate this and soften up towards you.   (I can't think of what might be of help your situation...)


That might have worked before she violated my privacy.  But she so anti-extended family - at least on my side - right now.  We are all against her and anything I say or do will come across as "fake" or "forced".  One of the things my son said to me is that he was sorry he couldn't be around all the time to "keep things fair".  So yeah, not sure that would ever have worked.


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## jujube (Apr 10, 2021)

As heartbreaking as it sounds, there may be nothing you can do to remedy this situation.  You just may have to bite your tongue for years and "keep the peace" until the kids get old enough to be able to see you on their own.  You'll probably never be able to convince the girlfriend that her misdeed of snooping far trumps you talking about her with others.  People who snoop need to be prepared to see something they don't like.

Frankly, when things get back to "normal", they may find they need YOU a lot more than you need THEM.  Their attitude may change for the better when that happens (spoken from experience).


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## MarciKS (Apr 10, 2021)

GuardianAngelof4 said:


> That might have worked before she violated my privacy.  But she so anti-extended family - at least on my side - right now.  We are all against her and anything I say or do will come across as "fake" or "forced".  One of the things my son said to me is that he was sorry he couldn't be around all the time to "keep things fair".  So yeah, not sure that would ever have worked.


so he knows it's wrong and he's not doing anything about it? i think you should tell them to grow the hell up or don't bother. you don't deserve that kinda crap cuz he brought home a b*tch.


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## GuardianAngelof4 (Apr 10, 2021)

jujube said:


> As heartbreaking as it sounds, there may be nothing you can do to remedy this situation.  You just may have to bite your tongue for years and "keep the peace" until the kids get old enough to be able to see you on their own.  You'll probably never be able to convince the girlfriend that her misdeed of snooping far trumps you talking about her with others.  People who snoop need to be prepared to see something they don't like.
> 
> Frankly, when things get back to "normal", they may find they need YOU a lot more than you need THEM.  Their attitude may change for the better when that happens (spoken from experience).


That's what I'm afraid of.  To keep the kids from me, because I didn't "love GF's kids the same" is punishing the kids more than me.


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## GuardianAngelof4 (Apr 10, 2021)

MarciKS said:


> so he knows it's wrong and he's not doing anything about it? i think you should tell them to grow the hell up or don't bother. you don't deserve that kinda crap cuz he brought home a b*tch.


According to the GF, his ex felt the same way, that we, his sisters and I, acted superior to her.  Again, not besties with the ex but we do keep in contact  (she's the mother of my grandchildren, after all) and she's never said anything like that to me. Also, yes, they are acting like we are supposed to play rainbows and sunshine about his GF and kids, even in private. Not realistic.  When I know for a fact that he has had conversations with his GF criticizing his brothers-in-law.  I know because his GF has talked about it.  Pot meet kettle.


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## Keesha (Apr 11, 2021)

Give yourself a break from this and perhaps rethink this over with a new perspective.


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## Aunt Bea (Apr 11, 2021)

IMO all you can do is let it go and move on.

If you believe that what you say and do is right for you and your family you won't go far wrong.


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## Rosemarie (Apr 11, 2021)

Keesha said:


> Give yourself a break from this and perhaps rethink this over with a new perspective.


I think this is the best advice. Cut them all loose for a while. You really have done your best to make this woman's children part of your family, but it seems your efforts have not been appreciated.


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## Lewkat (Apr 11, 2021)

There's an old saying that goes something like this: If you eavesdrop and you are the topic of conversation, you will not hear anything good about yourself.  Folks seem to intuit eavesdroppers.  Also applies to those who snoop into private conversations.  Of the truth hurts so let her deal with it.  She's putting you between a rock and a hard place.  She actually broke the law for that email is as private as the US mails.  Let her chew on that on.  Take care of yourself first and foremost.


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## Aneeda72 (Apr 11, 2021)

Well, I  don’t think you can become more blended than my family.  My daughter has three step sons, and two adopted daughters.  I mention the racial mix to show the blend.  3 white sons, 1 white daughter, 1 black/white daughter.  One former great granddaughter who is now a granddaughter since my daughter adopted her.  Baby just turned 3.

I have a son from a previous marriage that my husband of 50 years adopted.  My son is Italian/white, my daughter is Norwegian/Irish/trace Native America, my first adopted son is Native American/white and my second adopted son is Mexican/white.

My son has two children, from a previous marriage, two grandchildren and a significant long term other GF who has no children.  He and the GF maintain separate homes and trade off weeks at each other’s houses.  She treats his grandchildren as if they are hers.  We all love his Chinese GF.

Anyway.  You said it all when you said, to paraphrase, *I can not treat them all them all exactly the same . . . . .they are NOT my grandchildren.”  *And that’s all I needed to know, that’s all that matters. You are not going to like my opinion @GuardianAngelof4 so you could choose to stop reading NOW.  

Heard the same thing from my mother about my two darling adopted sons.  Adopted one when he was six weeks, the other at 18 months.  In truth, my family has barely excepted me from birth and they certainly were NOT accepting my adoptive children, or my step grandsons, or my adopted granddaughters.

I accepted all of them, no difference.  And frankly, I am a GRANDMOTHER, every child I meet is a grandchild, not my personal grandchild, but a grandchild.  I pretty much treat them all the same.  (Obviously i don’t have random children over to the house etc.)

When I take my walk around the block one cute little girl sometimes will rush out of her house and yell “Hi Grandma”.  I have no clue who her and her family are.  We’ve lived here a year, since Covid began.  I wave and yell back Hi, sweetie” as once again her mother drags her back inside and tells her I am not her grandma.  

Foster grandparents are in the schools, at the hospitals, major clinics, everywhere and children should get two sets of  “biological” grandparents from each their parents so, if my math is correct, that’s 8 grandparents.  Grandparents should be greatly increased by the number of parents in the blended families, often they are not.  *Cause they are not their REAL grandchildren.*

But they are real grandchildren who need real grandparents that treat them the same.    If you can’t do that, then don’t see them, don’t see any of them, that is my advice.  It’s not about you, it’s about the welfare of the children.

If the adults in the family cannot see that, and it seems that they can’t, then yes, get therapy.(My mother never wanted a daughter, therefore she treated my biological children the same as my adopted children  so it worked out fine between the kids.  She ignored them all.)

 I don’t care that the children’s mom snooped and found out how the extended family really feels about her.  After all you all went behind her back and have to take responsibility for that.  I agree the family needs therapy, but I doubt it will help.

A lot of people, I have found, have so little love for others it can only be rationed for certain blood relatives.  Nothing wrong with that, except it limits the love you receive, and may cause you to lose your bio son and bio grandchildren.  But it is what is is.  Anyway, just my opinion and I gave it cause you asked.


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## fuzzybuddy (Apr 11, 2021)

Okay. GFs can roll in, and they can roll out. So I can understand why it's hard  for you to include her kids fully into a "blended" family. Blood is thicker than GFs. Let's face it, you screwed up with the iPad. You have a lot to make up for. Are you really angry about the violation of your privacy, or embarrassed as hell, about what you wrote? Tomorrow, when you wake up, and you're still breathing, that means time is running out. You don't have unlimited time to fix this.  The longer you make this "a thing", it's going to be A THING  Ya know "this never happened" works wonders. Also, being aware of others foibles, and having opinions of others does not mean you are a lousy grandmother. It proves your human. Let it pass. This will be ancient history in a very short time, so don't make a big deal out of it. Bedside, it never happened.
.And ditch the Ipad, or  do something with it..


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## MarciKS (Apr 11, 2021)

GuardianAngelof4 said:


> According to the GF, his ex felt the same way, that we, his sisters and I, acted superior to her.  Again, not besties with the ex but we do keep in contact  (she's the mother of my grandchildren, after all) and she's never said anything like that to me. Also, yes, they are acting like we are supposed to play rainbows and sunshine about his GF and kids, even in private. Not realistic.  When I know for a fact that he has had conversations with his GF criticizing his brothers-in-law.  I know because his GF has talked about it.  Pot meet kettle.


I just think it sounds like childish high school drama. It's too bad. I hope in time things improve. If not I would'nt worry about it. You got your own life to live.


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## GuardianAngelof4 (Apr 11, 2021)

All good thoughts, and I agree with you. It's not that I don't accept her kids, I do.  It's not that I think they don't deserve my love and attention, they do.  My son spends more time with them than he does his own kids (shared custody of his own).  And when I said I can't treat them the same, it's more in the nuances.  

I haven't spent as much one-on-one time with them as I have the ones that are directly related.  I don't KNOW them as well. I am also (yes even after six years) trying to be cognizant of her child rearing preferences - little things like the food they are allowed to eat, how much screen time, what shows they are allowed to watch on TV at my house, etc. - and sometimes it feels like I'm going to say or do something in all innocence that will cause offense. It's a little nerve wracking. 

Simple example: My son said, "I've heard you say NO to GF's kids then moments later say YES to one of the others." The instance he was talking about was about SODA of all things. Her kids are not allowed to have soda which she has made very clear, and when they asked for a soda I said no, because that is their mother's rule. The kid who got soda, her mother allows her to have soda, so she got a yes.


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## GuardianAngelof4 (Apr 11, 2021)

fuzzybuddy said:


> Okay. GFs can roll in, and they can roll out. So I can understand why it's hard  for you to include her kids fully into a "blended" family. Blood is thicker than GFs. Let's face it, you screwed up with the iPad. You have a lot to make up for. Are you really angry about the violation of your privacy, or embarrassed as hell, about what you wrote? Tomorrow, when you wake up, and you're still breathing, that means time is running out. You don't have unlimited time to fix this.  The longer you make this "a thing", it's going to be A THING  Ya know "this never happened" works wonders. Also, being aware of others foibles, and having opinions of others does not mean you are a lousy grandmother. It proves your human. Let it pass. This will be ancient history in a very short time, so don't make a big deal out of it. Bedside, it never happened.
> .And ditch the Ipad, or  do something with it..


Yep on the iPad.  Message services have been removed already, that was pretty  much the first thing I did.  And I am embarrassed, of course I am. Same as anyone would be if their private thoughts were shared with someone not intended.


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## fuzzybuddy (Apr 11, 2021)

GuardianAngelof4 said:


> Yep on the iPad.  Message services have been removed already, that was pretty  much the first thing I did.  And I am embarrassed, of course I am. Same as anyone would be if their private thoughts were shared with someone not intended.


You do know  that no matter what you do............................. You have to do what we all do-muddle through, as best we can.


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## Myquest55 (Apr 11, 2021)

You are letting them all push you around.  Stop trying to please EVERYone - it cannot be done.  GF crossed the line - snooped where she shouldn't have - she owes YOU an appology and your son should be in your corner!  I agree, you may have to wait for the grandkids to step away from their parents - they are not babies any more.  But, for now but you can let them know - you will always be there to encourage them or listen.  You do not have to change your ways - they should be falling all over themselves to please you - not the other way around.  This is not your problem.  You have already gone out of your way to be the best.   Time for them to step up.


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## Aneeda72 (Apr 11, 2021)

GuardianAngelof4 said:


> All good thoughts, and I agree with you. It's not that I don't accept her kids, I do.  It's not that I think they don't deserve my love and attention, they do.  My son spends more time with them than he does his own kids (shared custody of his own).  And when I said I can't treat them the same, it's more in the nuances.  I haven't spent as much one-on-one time with them as I have the ones that are directly related.  I don't KNOW them as well. I am also (yes even after six years) trying to be cognizant of her child rearing preferences - little things like the food they are allowed to eat, how much screen time, what shows they are allowed to watch on TV at my house, etc. - and sometimes it feels like I'm going to say or do something in all innocence that will cause offense. It's a little nerve wracking. Simple example: My son said, "I've heard you say NO to GF's kids then moments later say YES to one of the others." The instance he was talking about was about SODA of all things. Her kids are not allowed to have soda which she has made very clear, and when they asked for a soda I said no, because that is their mother's rule. The kid who got soda, her mother allows her to have soda, so she got a yes.


Treat it like a peanut allergy, if any of the children were allergic to peanuts all peanuts would be removed from the house.  If one child can not have a soda, then none of the children can have a soda.  I agree you should stop trying to please everyone, as in the adults.

I think you should make your rules as to how the children will be treated when you have them and simplify what you do.  Which means, to me, if child A can not have soda, no soda for any child.  If child B can only watch tv for an hour, then all the children only watch tv for an hour.  And on down the line.

This is how it is done in school.  The children are used to rules and everyone is mostly treated the same.  Your “job” as a grandparent is to love everyone, no special treatment for anyone (as much as possible), and enjoy your time with the kids.

I remember a foster child I had was extremely jealous of my third son who was waited on hand and foot.  My third son has quad cerebral palsy and is total care.  So, I let the foster son be totally disabled for a day, even offered to put him in a diaper which he refused .

My son stayed in bed, foster son was wheelchair bound.  My son could not speak at this time either so foster son had to remain silent.  By lunch he decided he would rather not be disabled.  But a deal is a deal, he was disabled all day, and he was jealous no more.


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## Murrmurr (Apr 11, 2021)

She's accused you of being fake and insincere. IMO, it's time to see how well she handles complete honesty. 

I suggest you have an "open" conversation with her, tell her exactly how you feel (unless you feel homicidal; keep that one to yourself). Let her know you feel violated, and it might be quite a while before you feel you can to trust her (if that's the case). Tell her you DON'T feel the same connection with her kids, but that you were building one until she read your mail and lessened your opinion of her (in your own words). Tell her she needs to let your relationship with her kids develop naturally, that it can't be rushed. TELL her she's overly sensitive and annoying and self-absorbed (or whatever adjectives you choose; those were mine).

Let her read your original post! Hell, let her read all of these posts, she'll see a pattern.


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## Dana (Apr 11, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> She's accused you of being fake and insincere. IMO, it's time to see how well she handles complete honesty.
> 
> I suggest you have an "open" conversation with her, tell her exactly how you feel (unless you feel homicidal; keep that one to yourself). Let her know you feel violated, and it might be quite a while before you feel you can to trust her (if that's the case). Tell her you DON'T feel the same connection with her kids, but that you were building one until she read your mail and lessened your opinion of her (in your own words). Tell her she needs to let your relationship with her kids develop naturally, that it can't be rushed. TELL her she's overly sensitive and annoying and self-absorbed (or whatever adjectives you choose; those were mine).
> 
> Let her read your original post! Hell, let her read all of these posts, she'll see a pattern.


_Yep...I am a great believer in honesty,  being open and plain speaking_ 
_Get rid of the drama!_


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## Leonie (Apr 11, 2021)

GuardianAngelof4 said:


> All good thoughts, and I agree with you. It's not that I don't accept her kids, I do.  It's not that I think they don't deserve my love and attention, they do.  My son spends more time with them than he does his own kids (shared custody of his own).  And when I said I can't treat them the same, it's more in the nuances.  I haven't spent as much one-on-one time with them as I have the ones that are directly related.  I don't KNOW them as well. I am also (yes even after six years) trying to be cognizant of her child rearing preferences - little things like the food they are allowed to eat, how much screen time, what shows they are allowed to watch on TV at my house, etc. - and sometimes it feels like I'm going to say or do something in all innocence that will cause offense. It's a little nerve wracking. Simple example: My son said, "I've heard you say NO to GF's kids then moments later say YES to one of the others." The instance he was talking about was about SODA of all things. Her kids are not allowed to have soda which she has made very clear, and when they asked for a soda I said no, because that is their mother's rule. The kid who got soda, her mother allows her to have soda, so she got a yes.


Geez, navigating around the 'allowed' and 'not allowed' things in the kids' lives would be a minefield.  I wonder how your son gets on when his own kids are around or are they not allowed soda either when they're with him?


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## GuardianAngelof4 (Apr 11, 2021)

Leonie said:


> Geez, navigating around the 'allowed' and 'not allowed' things in the kids' lives would be a minefield.  I wonder how your son gets on when his own kids are around or are they not allowed soda either when they're with him?


They are not supposed to be allowed soda even when they are at their mother's house by his rule. Pretty sure that one is not followed because trying to control how the ex handles parenting inside her home? What's crazy about that is, until maybe 6 months ago, he drank Mountain Dew non-stop.


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## OneEyedDiva (Apr 11, 2021)

Chet said:


> If she is only a GF and not a wife, get your son to cut her loose and send her on her merry way. It's not fixable.


If her son has already taken sides with the GF instead of his mother and hasn't at least tried to hear his mother out, what makes you think she can just tell him to cut the woman loose...and expect that he'll do it?! 

As for you GuardianAngel, this was an unfortunate circumstance for sure. Your son shouldn't be upholding someone who invaded your privacy like that. Hopefully in time, when the dust has settled, at least the two of you can discuss things. Other than that, I have no advice either.


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## Jules (Apr 11, 2021)

Is there a neutral counsellor that everyone would agree to meet with?


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## Leonie (Apr 11, 2021)

Wow


GuardianAngelof4 said:


> They are not supposed to be allowed soda even when they are at their mother's house by his rule. Pretty sure that one is not followed because trying to control how the ex handles parenting inside her home? What's crazy about that is, until maybe 6 months ago, he drank Mountain Dew non-stop.



Wow, sounds like your son has gotten himself tangled up with a control freak.  Isn't it interesting how we tend to see this sort of situation differently than if you were talking about a daughter?  There would be alarm bells ringing if it was a daughter, and probably rightly so, but blokes can fall victim to this too.  It is so insidious they don't even realise it is happening until it's too late and they have alienated their entire family. 

I really feel for you Guardianangel, you must feel like you are walking on a tightrope.  I wish I could offer some advice but I'm the last one you want to take advice from.   I fell off.   I ended up losing it completely and telling her to go 'bleep' herself. That won't help, trust me. But it did make me feel better.


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## Dana (Apr 11, 2021)

“There are always two sides to every story, and it is generally wise, and safe, and charitable, to take the best; and yet there is probably no one way in which persons are so liable to be wrong, as in presuming the worst is true, and in forming and expressing their judgement of others, and of their actions, without waiting till all the truth is known.”

― Jonathan Edwards, Charity & Its Fruits


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## Leonie (Apr 11, 2021)

Absolutely true Dana, but this is just a forum, full of unknown anonymous people (for the most part) and we only get one side of the story.  Sometimes it is easier to talk about our problems to people we don't really know.


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## Elsie (Apr 12, 2021)

[SIZE=4]GuardianAngelof4[/SIZE], ​Two strong willed, disagreeing, loved women in your son's life.  Why doesn't he recognize not to take sides (no matter if he agrees with one), and try to mediate between you two?  It sure sounds like you're both 'tougher' than he is when it comes to the whole situation.   Maybe saying to GF that you are sorry for telling certain things about her that annoy you to other people, that you were wrong to do so.--(I've shared things that I shouldn't have with a friend).  --- even though she was wrong to snoop into your private messages.  That might ease some of her hostility.  Oh I don't know.  It just seems that there are a whole lot of disagreements that need compromising between you two strong-willed females.


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## Jules (Apr 12, 2021)

Rather than re-reading OP’s original post, do the GF’s parents provide this egalitarian loving or care that is expected of you?

Our kids (teens) in the blended family got presents, etc from only that side of the family.  No expectation from the other side.  We didn’t live in the same town.


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## GuardianAngelof4 (Apr 13, 2021)

Elsie said:


> [SIZE=4]GuardianAngelof4[/SIZE], ​Two strong willed, disagreeing, loved women in your son's life.  Why doesn't he recognize not to take sides (no matter if he agrees with one), and try to mediate between you two?  It sure sounds like you're both 'tougher' than he is when it comes to the whole situation.  Maybe saying to GF that you are sorry for telling certain things about her that annoy you to other people, that you were wrong to do so.--(I've shared things that I shouldn't have with a friend). --- even though she was wrong to snoop into your private messages. That might ease some of her hostility. Oh I don't know. It just seems that there are a whole lot of disagreements that need compromising between you two strong-willed females.


Yes, he's tried to mediate in the past - the gist of mediation was "She wants to know if you like her, and why you treat her kids differently from the other kids, and why they don't get all the same privileges" etc. In other words, he has wanted me to change... what? exactly?  How I look at them?  How I feel about them?  When they started participating in the once-a-week visit with me, they got the same privileges as the other kids (choosing which restaurant we go pick up food from, or what dinner they want cooked, same art projects, included in games, who gets to use which computer, stuff like that), but they supposedly tell my son and his GF that they feel like they are "treated differently".  

I feel like his mediation has been a bit one-sided, he's tried to get me and his sisters to "change our attitudes" but nothing from the other side about how this could be facilitated other than treating them the same.  We have not, or I have not, been hostile toward her.  She overstepped some boundaries with the sister closest to her age some time back and their interactions have been strained but no one has been outright rude to her.  

One major personality conflict is that she is admittedly an extrovert and the lockdown has been killing her having to forgo time spent with her friends and other couples.  My girls and I are primarily introverts, not a lot of close friends, socializing outside of home is either family or work-related things, pretty much homebodies.  

Believe it or not, everything y'all have posted has helped me a lot.  I'm getting some perspective and I'm almost ready to write her back.  I don't trust myself to have a face to face yet, because I am not a fan of confrontation (that's on me I know). So thank you to EVERYONE who has replied to my one-sided story.


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## GuardianAngelof4 (Apr 13, 2021)

Jules said:


> Rather than re-reading OP’s original post, do the GF’s parents provide this egalitarian loving or care that is expected of you?
> 
> Our kids (teens) in the blended family got presents, etc from only that side of the family.  No expectation from the other side.  We didn’t live in the same town.


Mmmm, it's debatable.  She originally moved in with my son from her mother's house and they didn't speak for about two years after that.  That first Christmas, they had her send the kids' Christmas gifts to my house so she wouldn't even have the address to their house.  At this point, other gramma has moved into a tiny house in their backyard.  I've only met her a handful of times and she's very self-contained or quiet?  I don't think she participates a lot in their day-to-day lives, she gives them all gifts on gifting days, but as for personal interaction, I'm not sure.  It's not like my son's bio kids wander over to her tiny house for one-on-one visits.  Their only grandfather is remarried and lives several states away.  He also has limited interaction with the kids due to some health issues.


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## Aneeda72 (Apr 13, 2021)

GuardianAngelof4 said:


> Yes, he's tried to mediate in the past - the gist of mediation was "She wants to know if you like her, and why you treat her kids differently from the other kids, and why they don't get all the same privileges" etc. In other words, he has wanted me to change... what? exactly?  How I look at them?  How I feel about them?  When they started participating in the once-a-week visit with me, they got the same privileges as the other kids (choosing which restaurant we go pick up food from, or what dinner they want cooked, same art projects, included in games, who gets to use which computer, stuff like that), but they supposedly tell my son and his GF that they feel like they are "treated differently".
> 
> I feel like his mediation has been a bit one-sided, he's tried to get me and his sisters to "change our attitudes" but nothing from the other side about how this could be facilitated other than treating them the same.  We have not, or I have not, been hostile toward her.  She overstepped some boundaries with the sister closest to her age some time back and their interactions have been strained but no one has been outright rude to her.
> 
> ...


I do not care about the conflict between you and whatever adult is involved.  You are all adults figure it out or don’t.  . I have my own conflicts with my adult children, and therefore, can’t advise you about yours.

The children are different.  I was a foster parent for about 30 years.  No child ever accused me of treating my bio kids different from my foster kids.  I treated them all the same except the disabled kids were treated a bit different.

My very disabled son got time out.  When he had a fit or spit at someone, his wheelchair was rolled up to face the wall for time out.  He lost tv privileges at times.  He got to stay in his room.  *Children want fairness, above all, they want fairness.*

You hear it all the time from them, ”that’s not fair”.  I think @GuardianAngelof4 of four, you are making your life as a grandmother way too hard.  Trying to please the children, trying to please the adults.  Please yourself!  

Announce the times and things are a changing, and so is grandma.  Parents give children choices, grandparents get to choose.  We are getting pizza, one large pizza, with three different toppings.  Every child has a favorite topping and, hmm, there are 8 children.

8 toppings are put on a piece of paper, papers are put in a jar, grandma draws 3 papers, and those are the toppings.  Keep the rest of the papers in the jar, put the drawn papers aside.  Next time there are 5 pieces of paper to draw from.  Eventually everyone has had a pizza with their favorite topping.  They hate a topping?  They can pick it off or choose to eat a sandwich.  It’s their choice.

This is how it is done in the group homes my two disabled adults sons are in.  *It is done fairly, everyone wants fair.*  It does not matter if you love bio grandchild more than step grandchild or more than grandchild’s friends who are over for the day: and you really hate those friends of his. As long as you are fair, how you feel does not matter as long as you keep those feelings to yourself.


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## fuzzybuddy (Apr 15, 2021)

I thought it over. If GuardianAngelof4's family is anything like mine, family relationships are like stepping through a minefield. No matter what you do, or don't do, somebody has their 2 cents to say about it. It's a no win situation. You just have to grin and bear it.


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## Elsie (Apr 20, 2021)

"...if child A can not have soda, no soda for any child. If child B can only watch tv for an hour, then all the children only watch tv for an hour. And on down the line..." I don't agree with this strategy.  Seems it just might bring about a sense of unfair treatment by those who have no fault in the reason for the decision.  At other times, depending on understanding the why of the situation, the kids who go without won't mind.  GranddianAngelof4, hmmm, I have a feeling your son should stop giving "advice" to you, and/or his GF, or whomever about the family problem.  Butt out.  He's only aggravating things.  Might be best if he leaves it up to you and his GF, etc. to find a way to agree to disagree peacefully over problems between the two of you. 

Myself and one of my daughters are not confrontationists, are more loner types, however my younger daughter is very much an extrovert.  This Covid business of doing fewer public activities is probably maddening for her.


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## Aneeda72 (Apr 21, 2021)

Elsie said:


> "...if child A can not have soda, no soda for any child. If child B can only watch tv for an hour, then all the children only watch tv for an hour. And on down the line..." I don't agree with this strategy.  Seems it just might bring about a sense of unfair treatment by those who have no fault in the reason for the decision.  At other times, depending on understanding the why of the situation, the kids who go without won't mind.  GranddianAngelof4, hmmm, I have a feeling your son should stop giving "advice" to you, and/or his GF, or whomever about the family problem.  Butt out.  He's only aggravating things.  Might be best if he leaves it up to you and his GF, etc. to find a way to agree to disagree peacefully over problems between the two of you.
> 
> Myself and one of my daughters are not confrontationists, are more loner types, however my younger daughter is very much an extrovert.  This Covid business of doing fewer public activities is probably maddening for her.


I am fine with you not agreeing with the policy, but this policy exists in most the schools and children are used to it; therefore it is easy to enforce at home or grandmas house.


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