# Daughter stingy with me



## Catlady (May 9, 2017)

My daughter is 53 and she and her husband have never had any ambition to get ahead.  She's almost always in a financial crisis, but doesn't bother to get a job, watches TV almost all day.  She and hubby just live on his job income recently the last year or so, they lived by selling on Ebay before that.  They almost lost their house to foreclosure twice since 2013.  The first time they got a loan from his father for $6000 and the second time I gave them $6000 from the kids's stock account that I set up for them 16 years ago.  I also paid off two of her credit cards $4000 that were in my name because she was only making the minimum payment on both.  It took her five years to pay off $500 on a third card just paying the minimum (that was also in my name).  When she asked if she could transfer one of her cards into mine after she paid mine off I told her no and why and she was offended.

Every time they leave the house they buy at McDonalds instead of eating at home before they go out.  That's to the tune of $15 or so each time, who knows how many times a week.  Yet the two times a year they could take me out for Mother's Day or my birthday, my daughter always complains how money is tight and they will just order pizza at my place to save money.  I don't even expect a gift, just a card.

My question is, should I say something or just shut up?  If I say something she will be offended and take me out feeling forced to do so.  I don't want that, either, would feel uncomfortable.  But I'm becoming increasingly resentful.  I used to take the family out to restaurants for birthdays and holidays but it gets expensive and I've been cutting down since September because of the money and their not treating me in return.

Three weeks ago they went to the county fair with their 15 year old son and spent at least $100 for the day and they also went out to eat at McDonalds on several days as usual.  Then this past Saturday she told me they're short of money and they will order pizza on Mother's Day at my place.  I really would not mind this if she would go out and get a job and they were frugal and watched their money.  I would even help them financially sometimes even though I am on a very limited income (I'm 74).  I am very frugal with money and spend very little.  I also like to make recipes and always  give her some portions to take home and loaves of homemade bread.  She does visit me every Friday night and I DO appreciate that, not too many children do it.   And she does help me if I ask her, mainly because I am almost deaf, mainly with phone calls and sometimes appointments, but I'm very independent otherwise. 

I know I should just shut up and let it go, but the resentment has been building up for the last couple of years she's been claiming lack of money to treat me and yet spending money on junk food every time they leave the house.  They used to take me out before two years ago.

Your opinions?


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## Warrigal (May 9, 2017)

I do know where you are coming from but my only advice is to give up on any hope of changing the behaviour of others.

Instead, look to your own actions. If it gives you pleasure to be generous to your daughter, then continue to do so. If not, decide how much you are willing to spend and stick to that.

I am currently doing just that with my ever growing brood. I'm having trouble keeping up with the birthdays of two children, their six offspring and their partners, not to mention Christmas. 

We used to give money, now I search the internet for smaller presents but I sometimes feel as if there is little thought to myself and my husband in return. Then I remind myself that I am loved by all of them and let it pass.

When it comes to Mother's Day you might try suggesting that you are tired of pizza and suggest a local low cost restaurant. Offer to pay your own way if they pay theirs and see what the reaction is. A little bit of passive aggression might just give them a bit of a jolt.


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## Aunt Bea (May 10, 2017)

I would enjoy the pizza and keep my opinions to myself, let them figure out how to manage without your assistance or advice.


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## Wren (May 10, 2017)

I was sorry to read your post PVC, it must be hurtful to realise you are so low down on your daughter's list of priorities 

If I were in your position, next time she says money is tight I would reply something like 'Yes I'm struggling and having to watch my money too' I wouldn't give them another penny and, certainly not a credit card in your name, they are adults and not your responsibility, you need to look after yourself

I think you'll just have to accept the situation, at least she visits once a week and helps in a practical way, I hope you have good friends around you, to offer support


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## Knight (May 10, 2017)

PVC said:


> My daughter is 53 and she and her husband have never had any ambition to get ahead.  She's almost always in a financial crisis, but doesn't bother to get a job, watches TV almost all day.
> 
> Your opinions?



IMO not as sensitive as others I have to ask when you are going to stop enabling your 53 yr. old daughter? It's obvious you can't buy her affection. 

As for what they spend YOUR money on by virtue of all the money you have given them [the enabling part] do you plan on continuing? 

The caveat to my comment about enabling would be if you are financially able to without affecting your own lifestyle then by all means continue but don't expect your daughter to change. Why would she?


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## SeaBreeze (May 10, 2017)

Sad you're going through this, but in their fifties they are set in their ways and have survived by mooching off others.  It's a shame your daughter takes advantage of you like that too.  I agree with Bea, that you should just accept the pizza for the Mother's Day gesture and if anything is said, it shouldn't be now and about you.

  Wren is right about the credit cards, if they want to use them, they should work on having one in their own name.  I think you should cancel any they have in your name, even if you have to pay them off to do so.  At least that will be the end of that source of drainage to your hard earned savings.

  They'll make due, but only if they have to, right now they're spoiled.  It's true that instead of dumping her money at fast junk food outlets, cooking at home can be more healthy and save more money.  Throwing up a batch of beans, pasta and meatballs, fish and rice, chicken and potatoes will all be cheaper than the inflated prices of junk foods.

It's possible she wanted to take you out somewhere and her husband said no, I'm sure he dominates the spending of money since he has a job.  For now, just appreciate the help she gives you when you need it, and the weekly visits.  Slowly wean her off of depending on you so much, bit by bit.  Each step will make her angry, but that's too bad, she's not that concerned for your feelings it seems.

All in all, look at the big picture and evaluate the positives and negatives of your relationship....and go from there.  Like others here have said, you can't change them, so don't even try.  But you do have control of all that affects you and your finances.  Sometimes the adult children just wait for the parent to pass on, so they can inherit their savings and assets.  I'm not saying that's true in your case, but it did cross my mind and is unfortunately very common these days. 

 Good luck, and try to take a positive outlook for now and enjoy your holiday with family.


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## Dragonlady (May 10, 2017)

This may sound a little hard-hearted, but you are contributing to enabling them to live an irresponsible lifestyle (as is his father, but you can't do anything about him). Being "generous" under those circumstances may be doing more harm than good even tho it may make you feel good. It's hard to say "no" to someone we love, but sometimes it's in their best interests to do so and yours to if the situation is causing you pain and resentment.


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## Falcon (May 10, 2017)

Well said Dragonlady.    :clap:


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## Catlady (May 10, 2017)

Thank you guys for the advice and feedback,  I really appreciate it.  I thought for sure I would be accused of being petty and immature and am relieved that you empathize with me for my resentment.

Some explanations and responses =

I will not say anything and just enjoy the day.  I'm planning to tell her to just buy a small cheesecake (her favorite dessert) and I will make coffee.

I will tell her prices are going up and I need to watch my money too so will no longer be able to afford taking them out to restaurants for birthdays and holidays. 

I really could not bear for them to lose their house, but did tell them that would be my first and only bailout of their foreclosure.  This was at the end of 2014.

She is my only child so I am positive that she expects to get it all when I die.  I didn't want her to be complacent so I have warned her several times that I may run out of money and may have to sell my paid off house to support myself in the end and there may be no money left for her.  Her eyes just glaze over, like she's tuning me out. 

I divorced her father (chronic cheater) when she was only 2 and I raised her on my own with very little help from the father.  A couple of years ago I asked if she wished I would have done anything different as a parent, she started crying and said she wished I had stayed in marriage because her father's other children from second marriage had a  better life than she did.  I was shocked, I had no idea that she had felt deprived.  Her father remarried and kept on cheating and his wife put up with it but left him as soon as she could collect social security.

Re the credit cards, I never gave her the physical cards, just let her transfer into my paid-off cards.  First time, his computer was old and they needed it for selling on Ebay (their income), so I let him put the charge into one of my zero balance card.  I figured they would get that $500 paid off in six months but it took her five years at minimum payments.  Shorttly after that transaction I found out she was paying 29% interest on one card and I had just gotten an offer for a new card at 3%.  So, I told her to transfer her balance into that card.  I naively thought with her saving so much on the interest she would pay off the balance a lot faster.  Nope, she paid minimum on that too for six years until I gave up and paid it off for her.  So, when she asked if she could do it again I said no because I didn't like it that she only paid minimum.  She was offended but didn't argue and has never asked again.

So, thank you all again, I feel much better and will keep my mouth shut and my wallet shut from now on.


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## Callie (May 10, 2017)

PVC, good for you for closing the bank.


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## Victor Meldrew (May 10, 2017)

Don't feel so alone, PVC. A lot of mothers have complicated relationships with their daughters.

My mother and sister have one that is far from idyllic too. 

Our mother has done quite a lot for us both over the years, but all my sister concentrates on are the times mom spoke bluntly to her and hurt her precious feelings. Plus, mom doesn't get along with my sister's mil, who my sister worships (even though she's low class). So now she talks trash about mom like she hates her, even though our mom is leaving the house to my sister. My sister also fritters her money away on eBay junk and vet bills for her dog, while living in mom's house for free, all utilities paid for and spending out of mom's bank account while mom is in a nursing home.

And I'm the one who's stuck in the middle of it.


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## Butterfly (May 10, 2017)

PVC, I think you're doing the right thing.  Let them solve their own money problems.  you have a life, too, and a right to enjoy it.  I've helped my son out periodically when he's needed it, but he is scrupulous in paying it back with interest.  I don't ask for the interest, but he insists.   If he didn't pay me back the principal on a loan, I wouldn't loan him money ever again, and he knows it.  He's a great guy, if I do say so myself!


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## NanaSarah (May 11, 2017)

My daughter divorced suddenly (long story) and her ex found ways to get away with not paying anything for their children's needs by simply being "too broke". The state thinks he's a fine father because he sends $30 or $40 monthly...always saying "most ex's don't pay ANYTHING, so you've got a good one!"  Hubby and I helped our daughter out for a few years until she got somewhat back on her feet financially, but that bank has now closed.  She was always very grateful and thankful.

The problem WE have found ourselves in is that the grandkids need so much!  Dental work without insurance, school clothes, drivers' education, etc.  It's simply been impossible in our hrearts to NOT help the kids out, but we're coming to the point where we'll have to end that, too.  We just don't have the money to continue.  They're wonderful teens who do well in school, don't get in trouble, don't drink or do drugs, don't sleep around...and we love them SO MUCH!  Thankfully, they're all three bent on serious careers and have the grades to get scholarships...BUT right now, it seems there's always something!  I wish it were legal to go punch an ex-son-in-law in the face...just once...it would be so healing!!!


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## Catlady (May 11, 2017)

Butterfly said:


> I've helped my son out periodically when he's needed it, but he is scrupulous in paying it back with interest.  I don't ask for the interest, but he insists.   If he didn't pay me back the principal on a loan, I wouldn't loan him money ever again, and he knows it.  He's a great guy, if I do say so myself!



I feel exactly like you do, re the not paying back principal.  I borrowed twice from my late parents and paid them back every penny.  Everybody needs a helping hand sometime.

My problem with my daughter, as I've said, is that she won't go out and get a job and wastes money on takeouts instead of eating at home before leaving the house like I do, then claiming poverty the two times a year when I would like to be spoiled.  If I saw her working and scrimping to make ends meet I would never be resentful, I would not only help her sometimes but even pay for restaurants gladly for special occasions.  Now I've decided to also claim poverty and no longer treat them to restaurants.  She did pay the credit cards diligently but only the minimum amount per month, at that rate it would have taken her 15 years to pay off that $4000, so I went ahead and paid it and then refused her more balance transfers to my credit card.


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## Knight (May 11, 2017)

PVC the contrast between you and Butterfly is something to think about. How does the pride of paying back with interest & not paying back begin?


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## Catlady (May 11, 2017)

Knight said:


> PVC the contrast between you and Butterfly is something to think about. How does the pride of paying back with interest & not paying back begin?



Knight, forgive me, I'm not sure I understand the question.

I always make sure they understand whether it's a loan or a gift.  Even if it's a loan, I assume that they might not pay it back, after which they will never get another ''loan".  As for me, I take great pride in having made it on my own as a single mother and in spite of my hearing disability.  The two times I borrowed from my parents and paid them back fully, I felt proud.  The first time I didn't pay interest, it was right after my divorce and I was hurting badly.  The second time I did pay interest.


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## Knight (May 11, 2017)

I was curious about the contrast between a son that is responsible [Butterfly's] and your daughter that you describe as financially irresponsible. 

I think my post was out of order since there is no way & isn't any of my business about how each were raised. You obviously care a lot about your daughter otherwise you wouldn't want to help her. The hurt & frustration you feel come across in your posts. Hopefully withdrawing financial support as you post as your new way to deal with what you don't like will work out for you.


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## Butterfly (May 11, 2017)

NanaSarah said:


> My daughter divorced suddenly (long story) and her ex found ways to get away with not paying anything for their children's needs by simply being "too broke". The state thinks he's a fine father because he sends $30 or $40 monthly...always saying "most ex's don't pay ANYTHING, so you've got a good one!"  Hubby and I helped our daughter out for a few years until she got somewhat back on her feet financially, but that bank has now closed.  She was always very grateful and thankful.
> 
> The problem WE have found ourselves in is that the grandkids need so much!  Dental work without insurance, school clothes, drivers' education, etc.  It's simply been impossible in our hrearts to NOT help the kids out, but we're coming to the point where we'll have to end that, too.  We just don't have the money to continue.  They're wonderful teens who do well in school, don't get in trouble, don't drink or do drugs, don't sleep around...and we love them SO MUCH!  Thankfully, they're all three bent on serious careers and have the grades to get scholarships...BUT right now, it seems there's always something!  I wish it were legal to go punch an ex-son-in-law in the face...just once...it would be so healing!!!



Why doesn't your daughter take him back to court and make HIM pay his fair share of all this, as well as any back child support he owes?  It is his responsibility, not yours, and she should go after him for it, whether he pleads poverty or not.  Get a judgment against him and execute on it.  She owes it to her children to do so.  If she just gives up and lets him get away with it, she'll never get a dime for her kids' needs.


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## Catlady (May 11, 2017)

Knight said:


> I was curious about the contrast between a son that is responsible [Butterfly's] and your daughter that you describe as financially irresponsible.
> 
> I think my post was out of order since there is no way & isn't any of my business about how each were raised. You obviously care a lot about your daughter otherwise you wouldn't want to help her. The hurt & frustration you feel come across in your posts. Hopefully withdrawing financial support as you post as your new way to deal with what you don't like will work out for you.


Well, I used to believe in the adage  "The apple does not fall far from the tree" but I've changed my mind.

Both I and her father have lots of ambition and have managed to make something of ourselves, she oddly does not have any ambition.  I suspect she's also a narcissist because she always blames others and never herself for her circumstances.  She envies her hubby's sister because she has a beautiful and expensive house and her two boys have all the expensive teenage toys, and I hold my tongue and don't say that the SIL has also worked from day one of her marriage and her husband has held a good paying job.

What scares me the most is that I may indeed need to use up all my resources until I die and she will have nothing left from me and will live in poverty in her old age.  Good thing I won't be able to see it.


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