# It Takes 1 Year For Every 5 Years You Were Married To Recover From Divorce - Agree/Disagree?



## CindyLouWho (Jun 1, 2018)

According to DivorceCare, a recovery support group that helps people heal from separation and/or divorce, and many relationship experts; it is estimated that it takes 1 year for every 5 years that you were married to truly heal from a divorce. This statement is meant to hold true whether you were the one to initiate the divorce or not, it does not seem to matter. 

Divorce takes you through an emotional process similar to death: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance.

What do you think? 

Was this true for you?


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## Timetrvlr (Jun 1, 2018)

Dunno but I've been married 61 years so that would be what--8 years to get over it? I'm 80 now so I'd not likely make it that long.


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## CindyLouWho (Jun 1, 2018)

Timetrvlr said:


> Dunno but I've been married 61 years so that would be what--8 years to get over it? I'm 80 now so I'd not likely make it that long.



Think more like 12.1 years for you timetrvlr, ....but *congrats* on 61 years married!


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## Ken N Tx (Jun 1, 2018)

Going on 55 years


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## CindyLouWho (Jun 1, 2018)

...So it's *double-congrats* today, Ken....on being married 55 years & on being 10 years retired!


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## Chucktin (Jun 1, 2018)

My first marriage ended with divorce. For me it was a good 6 months till I was in balance.


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## Colleen (Jun 4, 2018)

CindyLouWho said:


> According to DivorceCare, a recovery support group that helps people heal from separation and/or divorce, and many relationship experts; it is estimated that it takes 1 year for every 5 years that you were married to truly heal from a divorce. This statement is meant to hold true whether you were the one to initiate the divorce or not, it does not seem to matter.
> 
> Divorce takes you through an emotional process similar to death: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance.
> 
> ...




My ex and I were married for 12 years back in the '80's/early '90's. We worked together and became friends then married. We were active member of our church and Youth Group, choir, etc. I thought we would be married forever. I was very much in love with him and I was happy. I took it all for granted. Then one day, I came home from work and found all his things gone...and the car. There was just a letter telling me that he was never happy and had found someone else. I found out that the "someone else" was a young gal in our church! He was at least 15 years older then her. I was devastated! I went to our minister and asked him to counsel/intervene since she was a member of our church. He told me, "I don't want to get involved." The whole church body shunned ME. It was a nightmare. Then she dumped him for someone else and he wanted back with me. I didn't want him back but there were other circumstances involved at the time, so I reluctantly agreed. I lost my trust in him and it took over a year for me to start trusting him again. Then he had a infatuation with a young girl he was working with and left me again. He had high hopes that he could start a relationship with her, but it never happened because it turned out she was gay. I still smile at that one.

Anyway, for 2 years he kept coming around but didn't want to get back together. I was a mess. I weighed 98 pounds soaking wet and couldn't eat. I cried all the time. I was going off the deep end. I didn't have the courage to tell him to stay away. He had broken my heart and he was breaking my spirit. 

Then, a past love from 1975 came back into my life very unexpectedly. He basically rescued me. He lived in CA and was visiting family in PA where I lived and I went back to CA with him. I needed that 3000 miles distance to get straightened out. I didn't make it easy on this man. I mistrusted everyone. He was patient with me for a very long time. I started to heal. 

Then one day, I got a phone call from my ex. He wanted to cry on my shoulder about his current wife. He said he didn't love her and she was "trailer trash" and he wanted to leave her. He also said he called to ask me to forgive him for cheating on me. I told him he got what he deserved and I wasn't sure I was ready to forgive him. He called me again several months later and told me she was pregnant so he had to stay. I told him I didn't want to hear any more about it and that was the last time I talked to him. That would have been in 1997. The ironic thing is...after she had the baby,she left him and took off with some other younger guy and left him with the baby. He never wanted kids so this was a double karma revenge. 

In my case, CindyLouWho....it took at least 7 years to finally feel nothing for him.


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## Shalimar (Jun 4, 2018)

I think healing is an individual thing, can’t really put a number on  it.


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## JFBev (Jun 4, 2018)

Colleen said:


> ....it took at least 7 years to finally feel nothing for him.



Same here, Colleen.  Hardest thing I ever did was to leave my horrible marriage behind and allow no contact at all.  I always knew that I'd be out of the darkness at some point, and that happened in its own time.  Didn't know what I was made of until I went through the process. And now  -- contentment is a wonderful thing!


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## C'est Moi (Jun 4, 2018)

Shalimar said:


> I think healing is an individual thing, can’t really put a number on  it.



Agree.   Some couples know they are a mis-match for a while, so the divorce can be a kind of relief.


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## Big Horn (Jun 4, 2018)

CindyLouWho said:


> *Divorce takes you through an emotional process similar to death:* Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance.
> 
> What do you think?
> 
> Was this true for you?


Bologna!  My wife died thirteen years ago, just after our 42nd anniversary.  I miss her just as much today as I did the day she died; I always will.


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## Colleen (Jun 4, 2018)

Big Horn said:


> Bologna!  My wife died thirteen years ago, just after our 42nd anniversary.  I miss her just as much today as I did the day she died; I always will.



First...my condolences. I understand that kind of loss and pain, also. I miss my parents every day. But when you go through the pain of betrayal from someone you loved, it's a different kind of loss. You get through it because you don't have a choice...just like death...but you always have that "why" inside you. You ask yourself why did this happen? Why didn't he love me? What did I do wrong? With divorce, it's a death of a sort, too.


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## Olivia (Jun 4, 2018)

Yes, I understand. It's a death in any case at all, when you have to ask, what did I do wrong.  Especially when you get no answer.


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## Keesha (Jun 5, 2018)

I don’t know. I’ve never been married but I have been with the same man now for almost 30 years. 
We have no plans on splitting up and our commitment is solid.


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## Keesha (Jun 5, 2018)

Big Horn said:


> Bologna!  My wife died thirteen years ago, just after our 42nd anniversary.  I miss her just as much today as I did the day she died; I always will.


Awwwww. I’m so sorry for your loss Big Horn. 
Your words are so very touching. 
Some men love so deeply.


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## Catlady (Jun 5, 2018)

My ex was a serial cheater and made me feel ugly and unwanted, so I asked for a divorce after only 4 1/2 years of marriage.  A couple of years later he married a beautiful woman 9 years younger than him.  He was a serial cheater with her too from the very beginning of their marriage and that's when I realized his cheating on me had nothing to do with me.  That's when my self confidence was restored and I stopped being unhappy.  She put up with him for 42 years and became obese from being depressed,  until she turned 62 and started collecting social security and then divorced him.  He got his karma, she left him when he was 69 and old and had planned on having a wife and caretaker in his old age.


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## Colleen (Jun 5, 2018)

PVC said:


> My ex was a serial cheater and made me feel ugly and unwanted, so I asked for a divorce after only 4 1/2 years of marriage.  A couple of years later he married a beautiful woman 9 years younger than him.  He was a serial cheater with her too from the very beginning of their marriage and that's when I realized his cheating on me had nothing to do with me.  That's when my self confidence was restored and I stopped being unhappy.  She put up with him for 42 years and became obese from being depressed,  until she turned 62 and started collecting social security and then divorced him.  He got his karma, she left him when he was 69 and old and had planned on having a wife and caretaker in his old age.



Too bad she wasted so many years of her life, but at least she finally kicked him to the curb  I always believe the old saying...what goes around, comes around.


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## JimW (Jun 5, 2018)

Shalimar said:


> I think healing is an individual thing, can’t really put a number on  it.



Agree, it depends on the people and the circumstances involved.


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## CindyLouWho (Jun 7, 2018)

The idea of "1 year for every 5 years" is just an estimate, not a rule, since it's obviously different for each person. I think it's just a guide out there for those who maybe rush into a relationship immediately after divorcing (on the rebound), and unknowingly or not, have not worked through all the emotions a divorce puts you through.

Thanks for those who replied......I think for some it's a matter of getting over that person you were married to, but for others it's more the unexpected shock of starting over, reinventing yourself, after years of doing things the same way and for some, losing friends & family over it. 

When you go through the death of a loved one, most likely you have the support of family and/or friends, have time off to grieve, but when you go through a divorce your are supposed to just keep on going like nothing happened, work...etc....and for some reason, lose the support of people around you. 

Like JFBev said, you don't know what you are made of until you have to go through the divorce process. No one gets married thinking they will get divorced. It can be an emotional/financial kick in the butt learning/growing experience......that can make you a stronger, happier person....on the other side.


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## WhatInThe (Jun 9, 2018)

Not a fan of numbers for things like this. By the time divorce is even talked about there's a good chance it was already 'over' for both parties. If it's a surprise I can see it taking a little longer. I've seen/heard people have a new partner by their side less than a year after losing a spouse to illness. Others will never date again. Like most other things timing is everything.


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## DaveA (Jun 10, 2018)

Been married for 62 years and will hit age 85 this year.  I can't quit now, because I may not live long enough to get over it, if the prediction in the OP is correct!!


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## Lon (Jun 10, 2018)

I agree.  I was widowed once and divorced once and totally agree.


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## JimW (Jun 11, 2018)

CindyLouWho said:


> The idea of "1 year for every 5 years" is just an estimate, not a rule, since it's obviously different for each person. I think it's just a guide out there for those who maybe rush into a relationship immediately after divorcing (on the rebound), and unknowingly or not, have not worked through all the emotions a divorce puts you through.
> 
> Thanks for those who replied......I think for some it's a matter of getting over that person you were married to, but for others it's more the unexpected shock of starting over, reinventing yourself, after years of doing things the same way and for some, losing friends & family over it.
> 
> ...



When I got divorced, I had two really close (or so I thought) friends who I had know for over 25 years and before I ever met my wife. For whatever reason when I told them we were getting divorced, I never heard from either of them for 6 years and still haven't had any contact with one of them. We used to get together at least half a dozen times a year as couples and invited them every year for a weekend or two to our lake house. I'm not sure where the disconnect came in, but after about six months or so of not hearing from either one of them, I started to get angry about it and took it very personally. I thought, here I am going through one of the toughest times of my life and my two closest friends can't be bothered to call me to see how I'm doing? I dug in and vowed not to contact either of them again, if they can't be bothered to even call me then what kind of friends were they to begin with. After 6 years one of them friended me on facebook and so did the wife of the other friend on the same day, but I still haven't heard from her husband. They started messaging me, acting like nothing ever happened and inviting me to cookouts and Christmas parties at their houses. I was having none of it, I felt at the very least I was owed an explanation for why they didn't speak to me for so long and why one of them still hasn't. So I stopped answering their messages and now we're back to not talking at all. I really don't get people some times.



WhatInThe said:


> Not a fan of numbers for things like this. By the time divorce is even talked about there's a good chance it was already 'over' for both parties. If it's a surprise I can see it taking a little longer. I've seen/heard people have a new partner by their side less than a year after losing a spouse to illness. Others will never date again. Like most other things timing is everything.



I knew my marriage was over a good 2 years before we actually split, the only reason I waited that long was because I didn't want to lose the lake house, lol.


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## CindyLouWho (Jun 11, 2018)

JimW said:


> When I got divorced, I had two really close (or so I thought) friends who I had know for over 20 years and before I ever met my wife. For whatever reason when I told them we were getting divorced, I never heard from either of them for 6 years and still haven't had any contact with one of them. We used to get together at least half a dozen times a year as couples and invited them every year for a weekend or two to our lake house. I'm not sure where the disconnect came in, but after about six months or so of not hearing from either one of them, I started to get angry about it and took it very personally. I thought, hear I am going through one of the toughest times of my life and my two closest friends can't be bothered to call me to see how I'm doing? I dug in and vowed not to contact either of them again, if they can't be bothered to even call me then what kind of friends were they to begin with. After 6 years one of them friended me on facebook and so did the wife of the other friend on the same day, but I still haven't heard from her husband. They started messaging me, acting like nothing ever happened and inviting me to cookouts and Christmas parties at their houses. I was having none of it, I felt at the very least I was owed an explanation for why they didn't speak to me for so long and why one of them still hasn't. So I stopped answering their messages and now we're back to not talking at all. I really don't get people some times.
> 
> 
> 
> I knew my marriage was over a good 2 years before we actually split, the only reason I waited that long was because I didn't want to lose the lake house, lol.




So true, that's why the saying goes, "Hard times will always reveal your true friends(and family)"when you need them the most they desert you. I would never do that to someone, it's just common sense they will need your support.........and yes, the marriage is usually over by the time the "paperwork" is started, doesn't deteriorate overnight.


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## Lara (Jun 11, 2018)

Jim, did you try to contact your friends? I only see that you were hurt because they didn't contact you. I know you were the victim and yes they should have reached out to see how you were doing but when they didn't, did their friendship mean enough to you to reach out to them instead? 

Then when they did contact you on FB did you initiate a meet up to discuss things over coffee or a beer? Or did you try to call them to discuss the past? You still can. Maybe they were waiting to see if you wanted to talk about it. Maybe they didn't want to bring it up for fear of the divorce hurting you all over again.


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## JimW (Jun 11, 2018)

CindyLouWho said:


> So true, that's why the saying goes, "Hard times will always reveal your true friends(and family)"when you need them the most they desert you. I would never do that to someone, it's just common sense they will need your support.........and yes, the marriage is usually over by the time the "paperwork" is started, doesn't deteriorate overnight.



I have always said that I could count my true friends on one hand and that includes family, I think that holds true for most everyone. After getting divorced and those two friends not contacting me, I can now count my true friends on 2 fingers. Funny thing is they are both my oldest friends, we've known each other since 3rd grade, still talk regularly and would do anything for each other. I have no family members that I consider true friends, I've been stabbed in the back by family more than strangers. The few family members I had that I did love and trust have passed.


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## JimW (Jun 11, 2018)

Lara said:


> Jim, did you try to contact your friends? I only see that you were hurt because they didn't contact you. I know you were the victim and yes they should have reached out to see how you were doing but when they didn't, did their friendship mean enough to you to reach out to them instead?
> 
> Then when they did contact you on FB did you initiate a meet up to discuss things over coffee or a beer? Or did you try to call them to discuss the past? You still can. Maybe they were waiting to see if you wanted to talk about it. Maybe they didn't want to bring it up for fear of the divorce hurting you all over again.



Lara, I did not try to contact them. We had a long history together and I was always there for them whenever they needed it. Whenever anything happened in their lives, either good or bad, I was always on the phone to congratulate or comfort them and in times of need I offered anything I could do to help. As far as I'm concerned they showed their true colors of what kind of friends they really were. 

They know what kind of guy I am and that talking about the divorce with them would not have bothered me, and even if they thought it might bother me, then just don't bring it up. Yes I could still reach out to them and repair the friendship, but it would never be the same in my eyes, I feel betrayed and that will never change. As I have gotten older I have no use for people I can't count on.


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## CindyLouWho (Jun 11, 2018)

JimW said:


> I have always said that I could count my true friends on one hand and that includes family, I think that holds true for most everyone. After getting divorced and those two friends not contacting me, I can now count my true friends on 2 fingers. Funny thing is they are both my oldest friends, we've known each other since 3rd grade, still talk regularly and would do anything for each other. I have no family members that I consider true friends, I've been stabbed in the back by family more than strangers. The few family members I had that I did love and trust have passed.



So similar to my story, Jim W. It's very hurtful and bewildering. I've had no choice but to toughen up and learn to be more independent. It's been a few years for me, I'm young, ready to move on, hopefully meet someone someday...just takes a while to start over again.


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## JimW (Jun 11, 2018)

CindyLouWho said:


> So similar to my story, Jim W. It's very hurtful and bewildering. I've had no choice but to toughen up and learn to be more independent. It's been a few years for me, I'm young, ready to move on, hopefully meet someone someday...just takes a while to start over again.



I agree it is hurtful and bewildering and I've toughened up in that regard as well. Some people have told me I should open up a bit and be more receptive to meeting new people, but honestly I'm all set. I've done my share of opening up and then being let down almost every time. Maybe I'm too critical in what I think a real friend should be, but that's my criteria and I'm not comfortable with anything else. I don't want acquaintances in my life at this stage, I had plenty of that when I was younger. If I just want to chew the fat with someone who I know doesn't really care, there are plenty of open bar stools at any bar, anytime.

I've been exactly where you are at now Cindy and then I met my current wife. She is the best friend I could ever ask for, we do everything together and have fun doing it. I really couldn't ask for anyone better and I am very thankful she came along.

I wish you luck in your search and in time you will hopefully find that special person who makes you feel important and that you matter every day. Don't settle for anything less.


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## CindyLouWho (Jun 11, 2018)

JimW said:


> I agree it is hurtful and bewildering and I've toughened up in that regard as well. Some people have told me I should open up a bit and be more receptive to meeting new people, but honestly I'm all set. I've done my share of opening up and then being let down almost every time. Maybe I'm too critical in what I think a real friend should be, but that's my criteria and I'm not comfortable with anything else. I don't want acquaintances in my life at this stage, I had plenty of that when I was younger. If I just want to chew the fat with someone who I know doesn't really care, there are plenty of open bar stools at any bar, anytime.
> 
> I've been exactly where you are at now Cindy and then I met my current wife. She is the best friend I could ever ask for, we do everything together and have fun doing it. I really couldn't ask for anyone better and I am very thankful she came along.
> 
> I wish you luck in your search and in time you will hopefully find that special person who makes you feel important and that you matter every day. Don't settle for anything less.



Thanks, JimW....appreciate your kind words. 

Glad for you that your story turned out so great!


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## JimW (Jun 11, 2018)

CindyLouWho said:


> Thanks, JimW....appreciate your kind words.
> 
> Glad for you that your story turned out so great!



Thank You Cindy!


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## caseyjshu (Jun 17, 2018)

This kinda hits on what I've been going thru recently.

So, I was married for 20 years. Most of the years were very rocky, even dysfunctional. The good times were pretty good and the bad times were incredibly bad. I accept my share of the problems we had and do not point fingers saying it was all my exes fault. We did have a child together which was one of the main reasons we stayed together so long - at least for me. We actually had separated 2 previous times before the final time that ended in divorce. When we officially separated in May 2015 I found out she had apparently been seeing someone for a few months, actually finding him at my home a few days after I moved out. Even though the marriage was bad, this hurt and was a kick in my gutt. In August 2015 I moved back to my hometown which was 2 hours away, where I had family and friends. This was the therapy I needed. 

Even so, I never really got over the marriage and thought about her all the time. She has never admitted to the adulterous affair,  and had me even wondering if it were true. Recently online I was contacted by the ex wife of my ex wifes boyfriend. She began to tell me things I never knew. She said she approached her husband in 2013 about his relationship with my wife and he admitted the adulterous affair. They separated in 2013 and divorced in 2014. After that conversation I began to see things differently about those last few years of my marriage, realizing there were signs of the infidelity that I just didn't notice. 

Well even though we have been separated for 3 years and officially divorced for almost 2 years, this hurt as much as it did then. Obviously I'm still not over it. I haven't dated since the separation and currently have no one in my life. Maybe that is part of the problem. I'm hoping this can give me some closure on it all, but realize its gonna take time. 

Financially I've recovered from the divorce but emotionally I'm still having trouble. I hope it doesn't take much longer. At 57 I'd like to move on to bigger and better things. 

Thanks for letting me vent.


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## Catlady (Jun 17, 2018)

"I haven't dated since the separation and currently have no one in my life"

I think you did the right thing by waiting, you need time to heal and you don't want to get into another relationship before you're ready.  I think you're close to healing.  You previously wondered if the infidelity was true but now that you have proof of it you're on your way to healing and closure.  I'm sure soon you will meet someone and will be ready to start over.  Good luck!  Oh, and thanks for being honest and admitting that some of the problems were your fault.  I never believe someone when they say ALL the fault for the marriage breakdown was the other spouse's.  It takes TWO to make or break a marriage.


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