# Stepfather has Covid. What am I Going To Tell Him



## Remy (Aug 6, 2022)

He's been sick since Tuesday. I did a rapid on him after work Thursday. It was positive. I have offered cough syrup, tylenol, I went shopping for him yesterday and did his laundry at the mobile park facilities. He turned down the tylenol and cough syrup, something about it not being "natural." Seriously WTF?

When he called me last evening at 7 (he is completely deaf, uses a caption phone) he told me how much he was coughing, sore throat. I know he's not feeling well. He's almost 93. I had offered to take him to the hospital since Tuesday. Kept saying no. Finally stated he wanted to go. They discharged him from the ER. No admission.

I have to pick up some subscriptions they sent to Walmart when they are ready and he's finally agreed to take tylenol. Last evening he asked me to come over for "moral support." I told him I couldn't. He has one bed, one easy chair and one chair he sits in to eat in his single wide mobile. Plus the place smells because his one cat, a feral he took in, misses the litter box a lot. And what am I supposed to do, sleep in an n95 mask?

I will help him with getting things but I can never, ever hands on care for him. Not with my abusive upbringing and since my abusive mother died, he's caused me immeasurable stress in the last 10 years. He has no idea how I really feel about him and he will never acknowledge what the abuse did to me or my abusive brother.

What am I going to do when he can't care for himself any longer? My brother just yells at me from Virginia stating I'm doing nothing. He has no idea about the covid at this time and I tell him nothing because he puts me down, plays the hero and is very manipulative and twists everything. 

I'm yet to get covid but with my exposure to him and having him in the car, I just might now. Also I don't know if my stepfather has been diligent with wearing a mask. I asked if he was still doing so and he said "not everywhere." I don't know if that means just outside or going into public places. I didn't ask or push it because what am I going to do if he won't wear the mask. He won't listen to me. But he wants me to fix the fall out.


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## Alligatorob (Aug 6, 2022)

Good of you to do what you have done.  From what you say it has been above and beyond any obligation you have.  

If he does not wear a good mask I would stay away.  You wearing a mask will not make up for it.  Masks are most effective when worn by sick people to reduce (not eliminate) the risk to others.


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## Jules (Aug 6, 2022)

This is a heck of a situation for you.  Does he understand how serious Covid is?  If not, Public Health must have a write up on it and it would stress that he must not go out without a mask.  Ironically, if he’d agreed to move to seniors’ home like you’ve wanted, he would have care.


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## Remy (Aug 6, 2022)

Alligatorob said:


> Good of you to do what you have done.  From what you say it has been above and beyond any obligation you have.
> 
> If he does not wear a good mask I would stay away.  You wearing a mask will not make up for it.  Masks are most effective when worn by sick people to reduce (not eliminate) the risk to others.


Thank you. I have to wait and call Walmart later to see if the subscriptions are ready. They also said they want to give him some IV injection at the hospital and they will call me on Monday to arrange what time to bring him in.

I work tomorrow but off Monday.  And yes, he of coarse is not wearing a mask. I am. I have been exposed at work and very close to active covid patients but I'm afraid this might do me in. I bought extra groceries yesterday in case I get sick because there is no one to shop for me.


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## Remy (Aug 6, 2022)

Jules said:


> This is a heck of a situation for you.  Does he understand how serious Covid is?  If not, Public Health must have a write up on it and it would stress that he must not go out without a mask.  Ironically, if he’d agreed to move to seniors’ home like you’ve wanted, he would have care.


Thank you. My stepfather is weird. And with all the abuse my mother inflicted on him and the fact that she made all decisions, then blamed him when they were not to her liking, usually in a screaming rage, it's almost like he can't function since she is gone. She isolated him and us kids from his large family and circle of friends. He'll listen more to what he hears on a certain cable news channel or some weird stuff that he gets in the mail than me. Takes a bunch of mail order supplements etc.

I told the nurse last night about the tylenol and cough syrup refusals. I also said if my mother had told him to, he would have swallowed a bottle of tylenol and a gallon of robitussin but won't listen to a word I say. And that is true.


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## Murrmurr (Aug 6, 2022)

Does his medical insurance cover in-home care?


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## Remy (Aug 6, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Does his medical insurance cover in-home care?


He has medicare and supplemental through his retirement. When he broke his hip a few years back and went home after rehab, the in home care was a logistical nightmare with his hearing loss. All calls were fielded through me. He won't text. I got one call where the therapist was at his place and my stepdad wouldn't let him in because he was "eating lunch." So the guy waited but I think my stepfather forgot about him because he never went outside to tell him he can come in.

He doesn't like strangers in the house. He hides things. For example when he was in rehab, I needed his check book to bring him to pay bills. It wasn't in the bottom drawer of his nightstand, it was actually hidden under the heavy drawer. I tried to reason with him that he lives in a very safe place (55+ mobile home park) no one is going to break in. His reply: "there's always a first time, it could happen."

Anything I said to my brother, got me no support, he just yelled at me and then actually put me down in letters he wrote to my stepfather. When I called him on it via e mail his responses were so twisted they were beyond my comprehension.


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## Remy (Aug 6, 2022)

This is ridiculous. I just talked to Walmart and they won't let me in because it says the medication is for covid and I've been exposed to the person. Also the pharmacist said that the hospital prescribed two very similar medications and they have to call the hospital to verify. So now I have to do curb side for those effing meds and then go across the street to a Winco or Target to get the tylenol. I'm breaking out in a sweat I'm so mad. Any my brother will yell at me that I'm not doing anything.


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## MarkinPhx (Aug 6, 2022)

Wow. What a tough situation to be in. It is sad that you are not getting any support from your brother. I am in no way a legal expert but you seem to be the primary caretaker of your stepfather so have you considered looking into a Power of Attorney It sounds like your stepfather would be against signing it but at the same time he may not have a choice at this point. That is the only solution I can think of. I am sorry for your situation. Your health is the most important thing right now so don't do anything that puts that at risk ! I know, easier said than done.


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## Remy (Aug 6, 2022)

MarkinPhx said:


> Wow. What a tough situation to be in. It is sad that you are not getting any support from your brother. I am in no way a legal expert but you seem to be the primary caretaker of your stepfather so have you considered looking into a Power of Attorney It sounds like your stepfather would be against signing it but at the same time he may not have a choice at this point. That is the only solution I can think of. I am sorry for your situation. Your health is the most important thing right now so don't do anything that puts that at risk ! I know, easier said than done.


Thank you. My health has been at risk since I was a child between the abuse in that house and bullying in school. But yes, my stepfather is literally ruining what life I have. For example he didn't call on his caption phone last week so after waiting almost two hours, I finally drove to his place. I don't live close by. He was sitting there as unconcerned as can be. The phone wasn't working. Worked the next day. I've driven out there numerous times for the same reason over the years.

He gets none of it. His role in our abuse. How I feel about him. And I won't tell him, that would be cruel. I have his durable power of attorney for both health and financial. But at this point he still has capacity. My brother doesn't know this is in place. And when he can't live independent, what am I going to do with those cats. And I'll be the one clearing his place out. All by myself.


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## Tish (Aug 6, 2022)

I commend you for all you have done so far for him and understand your frustration in this situation.
It's a tough situation that you are in, all you can do is what you are doing so far.

I would however ignore your screeching brother, the last thing you need is a negative person putting pressure on you.


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## Pepper (Aug 6, 2022)

Dump the stepfather, dump the brother.  To hell with the both of them.  The only obligation you have is to yourself and yourself alone.  Get therapy to walk away.


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## Remy (Aug 6, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Dump the stepfather, dump the brother.  To hell with the both of them.  The only obligation you have is to yourself and yourself alone.  Get therapy to walk away.


I wish I could but I can't. It's that FOG they call it. Fear. Obligation. Guilt. What I should have done was run the day I turned 18 but I was so beaten down, it's a wonder I could function. I remember not even being able to relate or talk to people at this menial job I had. 

I don't know if my stepfather expects me to take care of him but if he does, I guess he's in trouble. I sometimes have this horrible thought that he wants his inflict his revenge on me for all my mother inflicted on him. Doesn't sound rational, I know.


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## Pepper (Aug 6, 2022)

Does he have any money, any will?  If so, do you know what's in there?


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## Remy (Aug 6, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Does he have any money, any will?  If so, do you know what's in there?


Since I have his durable power of attorney for health and financial, when he dies, or becomes incapacitated,  I'm in his bank accounts and I have the ability to sell his mobile home and car. The mobile would need some work but it's newer. If he goes to assisted living, he will use up that money to supplement his retirement income for assisted living expenses.

I have a loose idea of what he has in savings. He was writing a lot of donation checks and I don't know if he still is, he claims he stopped. I know when he moved here he had less in savings that I had previously known of and I wonder if that money went to long ambulance trips regarding my mother. Those companies are expensive and my mother pulled some crap like saying she wasn't treated right at the local hospital so she insisted on be driven by ambulance to another.


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## Georgiagranny (Aug 6, 2022)

I think what I'd do is call APS and let them deal with him!


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## Bellbird (Aug 6, 2022)

Because he has Covid and anyone else who is around him, should be staying at home for 7 days or until the Covid has cleared. Mixing with the public is one of the main reasons as to why Covid is still spreading amongst us all.


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## hollydolly (Aug 6, 2022)

Remy said:


> I wish I could but I can't. It's that FOG they call it. Fear. Obligation. Guilt. What I should have done was run the day I turned 18 but I was so beaten down, it's a wonder I could function. I remember not even being able to relate or talk to people at this menial job I had.
> 
> I don't know if my stepfather expects me to take care of him but if he does, I guess he's in trouble. I sometimes have this horrible thought that he wants his inflict his revenge on me for all my mother inflicted on him. Doesn't sound rational, I know.


right..get the Effin' heck outta there.. I'm sick and tired of hearing how you're abused still at this age, it makes me raging mad.. having suffered a similar childhood to yours ... 

first the stepfather.. and now you're sick with worry about getting the meds.. a situation which was out of your control because you'll be verbally battered by your brother for doing your best.. but accused unfairly.. .. .. further to that you're getting in a state about when the old abuser dies, you'll have to clear out his stuff.. and see to cats that aren't yours... NOPE ! NOPE!  NO YOU  DON'T !!... Walk away..don't answer the phone to your brother.. again ever!! ...    I know you've been looking for a place for a long time.. but Remy, really, you can't go on like this.. just get out, don't tell them where you're going.. take anything just to get away from these Hostile toxic people!!


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## Ruthanne (Aug 6, 2022)

I'm sorry you're going through this hell and wish you much good luck to come.


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## officerripley (Aug 6, 2022)

Ruthanne said:


> I'm sorry you're going through this hell and wish you much good luck to come.


Same here, after being mostly in the position you're in for 5 different elderly parents over a 10 year period, my heart really goes out to you. People just don't understand. Even my own huzz, kept telling me stuff like "Just tell [your dad, sister, whoever] no you won't do it, just don't answer their phone calls", etc. etc. Welp. He quit answering his black sheep of the family brother's calls and the darned brother just showed up at our house when we weren't home and the door was locked, he crawled in through the doggie door and was piled up on the couch when we got home from work and he stayed a long time 'till I finally said he's gotta go. So advice is easy to give but sometimes the stuff just doesn't work. But whatever you can do to protect yourself and your health, I really hope you can. Hugs.


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## OneEyedDiva (Aug 6, 2022)

I'm so sorry you are going through this Remy! I have to agree with others...you need to do *whatever* you have to ..to get out of this situation. No need to call your brother...*for anything! *He is no help at all and only makes things worse. If you continue to drive your stepfather...do so with your windows open on both sides. If he complains, tell him it's either your way or *he* can find another ride. I know that people who are used to being abused often don't stand up for themselves. It's time *you do*!  It's time to put your foot down.

You are working and still doing everything you can to help him yet neither he nor your brother appreciate it. I won't use the crass expression that comes to mind when thinking about what they are putting you through. If you continue along this route, you risk suffering from exhaustion or possibly having a heart attack or stroke. Who would take care of him then? Is risking your health worth it? I repeat what I said in the second sentence!


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## Jules (Aug 6, 2022)

The only suggestion I have is that you don’t call your brother and if he calls you, don’t answer.  He’s an abuser too.


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## Mike (Aug 7, 2022)

You are a very good person Remy, to look after somebody
who treated you badly in the past.

Mike.


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## hollydolly (Aug 7, 2022)

Mike said:


> You are a very good person Remy, to look after somebody
> who treated you badly in the past.
> 
> Mike.


yes and she's STILL being treated badly in the Present.. it has to stop, and the only way it will is if she walks...nay,_ Runs_ as fast as she can from these people


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## Alligatorob (Aug 7, 2022)

Remy said:


> I wish I could but I can't. It's that FOG they call it. Fear. Obligation. Guilt. What I should have done was run the day I turned 18 but I was so beaten down, it's a wonder I could function.


It's not too late.


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## Alice November (Aug 8, 2022)

God have mercy on us and save us from 'family'.


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## Lewkat (Aug 8, 2022)

If anyone ever abused me, I'd take a hike so fast and ignore any pleas or calls.  No way, ever.  I wouldn't care that they brought me up or anything else for that matter.  I was not put on earth to become someone's victim.


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## Della (Aug 8, 2022)

Oh Remy, I'm so sorry to read all this.  I never had a situation as bad as this but just enough with my father to guess how you feel.  I eventually set rules for myself (the only person I could control) that included enough daughterly duty to keep me from feeling guilty, but nothing beyond that. 

For example, I would probably get things he asked for and drop them off, but not go inside. Take him to appointments if you must. Call and remind him of things like paying bills and taking meds but keep all contact short and sweet -- then go on about your life.  

Don't worry about his future problems or what to do with the cat. Take one day at a time.

Don't call your brother.  If he calls you, say, "I think it might be time for you to come and take Dad home to live with you."  He probably won't call back.


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## Remy (Aug 8, 2022)

Jules said:


> The only suggestion I have is that you don’t call your brother and if he calls you, don’t answer.  He’s an abuser too.


I agree. I'm only very, very low contact with my brother. When the stepfather is finally gone, I'm total no contact. He yells at me saying "I need to know!" if something is going on with the stepfather but he does nothing and treats me terribly. He is an abuser. Back in the 90's I offed his foreign wife the money to return home. She turned me down so I had to be done with it. He was verbally abusing her.


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## Remy (Aug 8, 2022)

Lewkat said:


> If anyone ever abused me, I'd take a hike so fast and ignore any pleas or calls.  No way, ever.  I wouldn't care that they brought me up or anything else for that matter.  I was not put on earth to become someone's victim.


He sees none of his roll in any of it. He has literally told me (recently) regarding my mother "it wasn't her fault, she couldn't help it." I wonder if he would have wanted to exchange his childhood for mine.


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## Remy (Aug 8, 2022)

OneEyedDiva said:


> I'm so sorry you are going through this Remy! I have to agree with others...you need to do *whatever* you have to ..to get out of this situation. No need to call your brother...*for anything! *He is no help at all and only makes things worse. If you continue to drive your stepfather...do so with your windows open on both sides. If he complains, tell him it's either your way or *he* can find another ride. I know that people who are used to being abused often don't stand up for themselves. It's time *you do*!  It's time to put your foot down.
> 
> You are working and still doing everything you can to help him yet neither he nor your brother appreciate it. I won't use the crass expression that comes to mind when thinking about what they are putting you through. If you continue along this route, you risk suffering from exhaustion or possibly having a heart attack or stroke. Who would take care of him then? Is risking your health worth it? I repeat what I said in the second sentence!


Thank you. I do worry about my health. I've had some things come up and there are studies about health affects later in life from childhood abuse. I'm not talking to my brother. My stepfather is really playing innocent. I took the medications prescribed to him and told him to follow the directions on the bottles. Then last night he says he didn't know which medications to take when. I told him if he can't manage simple directions on a pill bottle, perhaps he's not able to live independent. He just replies "I'm not going to a nursing home" and "You worry too much" I said yes, because it will become all my responsibility. He replies "what will?" Seriously does not get it. I wanted to scream.


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## Remy (Aug 8, 2022)

Bellbird said:


> Because he has Covid and anyone else who is around him, should be staying at home for 7 days or until the Covid has cleared. Mixing with the public is one of the main reasons as to why Covid is still spreading amongst us all.


I don't know if he continued to wear a mask while shopping or had stopped. I'm not pushing it. He makes stupid decisions and I got stuck dealing with them.


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## Remy (Aug 8, 2022)

Lewkat said:


> If anyone ever abused me, I'd take a hike so fast and ignore any pleas or calls.  No way, ever.  I wouldn't care that they brought me up or anything else for that matter.  I was not put on earth to become someone's victim.


He does not see himself in any way as an abuser. And he didn't abuse me. He stood there and did absolutely nothing when my mother did. Her screaming rages at me, horrible words, throwing things at me. He watched her kick me on the floor when I was a child and actually responded by saying "don't do that" but didn't make one physical move to stop her. If I told him that today. He would say he doesn't remember or perhaps even blatantly deny. And even when my mother was raging at him, us kids were exposed to it.


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## Remy (Aug 8, 2022)

Thank you for your replies everyone. I'm supposed to get a call today from the hospital. They want him to go in for some IV injection. I was so stressed and up late I didn't ask for details as to the medication in the ER when they told me about it. He is denying they mentioned this to him in the ER and isn't sure he wants it. So it's another day he is consuming from me. If they call, I'll probably have to drive out to his place because he won't answer the phone with his hearing impairment. He has to see the red light flashing.

I'm wanting to help him less and less. He knows he can just call me. He will rely on me to take care of the cats if he is hospitalized. And for example he hides things. I get he was a provider but he was not a father. I never had one. He thinks he was.


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## Lewkat (Aug 8, 2022)

Remy said:


> He does not see himself in any way as an abuser. And he didn't abuse me. He stood there and did absolutely nothing when my mother did. Her screaming rages at me, horrible words, throwing things at me. He watched her kick me on the floor when I was a child and actually responded by saying "don't do that" but didn't make one physical move to stop her. If I told him that today. He would say he doesn't remember or perhaps even blatantly deny. And even when my mother was raging at him, us kids were exposed to it.


He may not be an abuser, but he is an enabler and user.  Of course, he'd deny it.


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