# I am afraid and anxious



## Ronni (Mar 19, 2020)

My anxiety is ramping up.  I had to take a pill yesterday because I was heading towards a panic attack.  I've been experiencing a low level hum of anxiety and fear for the past week, as the Virus news has gotten worse and worse.

I'm not afraid for me.  I'm not worried or anxious for myself, beyond marginal concerns about my health.  My anxiety and fear is centered around my children, and Ron, and to a lesser degree my grandkids.  Three of my kids are relatively unaffected financially, they're just continuing their work at home. 

My first responder son is out there, heading to all those emergency calls, up close and personal with patients who are presenting with symptoms worrisome enough that they're calling 911, and then he's going home to his wife and 4 kids. He has a very strict protocol in place before he enters his home where they're isolated so that he doesn't bring the virus home to them.  Even as I type this I can feel my heart rate rising, and that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm very familiar with.

Three of my kids are home, working from home so they're not financially impacted by this, staying as isolated as they can. One is staying with his brother and both isolating while they work.  One of my boys is still working.  He's the recovered addict, still trying to get his life together, living paycheck to paycheck, just waiting for his work to tell him they're closing down.  He's very matter of factly told me he may choose to live out of his car for a while once he can't pay rent, not as any pity-party type thing, but just because his vehicle is the one resource he DOES have that he can utilize in this crisis. 

I finally convinced Ron to not go work.  He has somewhat compromised lung function due to working on the railroad for years before it was regulated.  He is not only high risk because of his age, he's at the top end of that category because of his cloudy lungs. 

I have been feeling that low level hum of anxiety and fear for the past week now. I'm crying at the drop of a hat. I am distracted and having trouble focusing because of the anxiety.  I am fearful and anxious, but not for myself.  It's for everyone else.  For Ron because of his health issues, and Grayson because of the threat of job loss and no home.  And for the rest of my kids because EVERYONE is at some degree of risk no matter how carefully they isolate.

I have some very specific anxiety reactions that ramp up into panic attacks if I can't control them.  It started happening to me when Grayson was in the darkest of times with his drug use and i ended up getting medicated for it just so I could continue to function.  I haven't been on that medication for some time, but I'm pulling the pill box out now.  My difficulty getting a full breath, the increased heart rate, no appetite,  stomach churning....it's not the virus, it's anxiety bordering on panic.  I am way too familiar with these 'symptoms' and I am not happy they're back. 

I need for all this to just go away....my anxiety, the gut churning worry, the constant battling to stave off a panic attack.  But it won't, as long as the virus remains a threat.  I have to figure out a way to get better control of this.  It's affecting my quality of life and my relationship with Ron because I am so distracted I am not at all present in our relationship. 

Thanks for letting me spew.


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## RadishRose (Mar 19, 2020)

Hang on girlfriend! Deep breaths. It's dawning on all of us that it's going to get worse before it gets better, but it WILL get better!


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 19, 2020)

Ronni, you have good reason to feel anxious, glad Ron is staying home, we're doing that here except for my walk in the park.  Hope your family stays healthy and if anyone contracts the virus, I hope it is mild, like many other cases.  Hugs, you're a good person and very caring, now please take care of yourself.


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## Pappy (Mar 19, 2020)

Ronni, we have made up our mind to stay home and in our community. An occasional golf cart ride, around our area, and will have groceries delivered. We are both in our 80s and I have COPD, a sure killer if I should contact it. We are afraid, not only for us, but our family which is still working. I am not in a panic, but very concerned. Keep the faith and try to stay calm....Pappy


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## chic (Mar 19, 2020)

Hugs Ronni. It's all so stressful, I've shut off the news and started distracting myself with old tennis matches on youtube because all sports have been cancelled forever. It's a good time to either just sleep or distract. I'm beginning to lean towards sleeping when I can. Peace from - Chic.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 19, 2020)

Ronni said:


> My anxiety is ramping up.  I had to take a pill yesterday because I was heading towards a panic attack.  I've been experiencing a low level hum of anxiety and fear for the past week, as the Virus news has gotten worse and worse.
> 
> I'm not afraid for me.  I'm not worried or anxious for myself, beyond marginal concerns about my health.  My anxiety and fear is centered around my children, and Ron, and to a lesser degree my grandkids.  Three of my kids are relatively unaffected financially, they're just continuing their work at home.
> 
> ...


I so understand!  I am desperate to make sure I bought enough for my son and his two roommates in the group home.  I charged the food which I would never do but who has that kind of cash.  Canned veggies which were high priced, canned meat, and TP.

I got some eggs and butter today for the first time in two weeks.  Will take it over tomorrow.  Its driving me crazy, I’m driving me crazy.  Can’t sleep even as usual as I usually do.  Husband was supposed to work at home but the lady with the code did not go in, so he has to go in.

Just as well, I like him less and less every day and didn’t like him that much to start with, lol.  I’ve run out of swear words and my throat is sore from yelling at him.  Wash your dang hands!  How many times do I have to scream that a day?  Several!

The building he works at has some earthquake damage and they couldn’t get their personal stuff, but they are working on a non damaged floor.  It’s all overwhelming, I will need serious therapy for my lack of TP.   (I have some now).  But you, me, and everyone will be as good as they can be.

My children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, as yours, will be strengthened by lessons learned now.  Hang in there, the Great Depression passed.  This will pass.  The people will have TP in abundance!


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## toffee (Mar 19, 2020)

yes ronni 'all in the same boat u may say , I worry over my sons firstly / but its on the dam news 24/7...
so I turn it off 'its not gonna tell u anymore than we all ready know , its here and we have to deal with it best we can'
atm I have another lot of shingles -I worried at first it may be the another thing -but I know the symptoms to well ,

itchy and mainly facial this time blotchy ' so like the others say' stay at home much as u can or just walk the dog '


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## StarSong (Mar 19, 2020)

Oh Ronni, I'm so sorry that you're struggling with this.  I've had periods of great anxiety and panic attacks, so I know a bit about what you're feeling.

When overwhelmed by fears I learned to break out a pen and paper to identify what was most likely to happen, to work those problems, and not allow myself to be distracted by what was unlikely to happen.

I hope this helps a little.  

Sending you a cyber hug.


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## Pepper (Mar 19, 2020)

@Ronni 
Don't know what type of medication you are on, but it was prescribed to help you.  As long as you don't overdo I think you should take it.  Too much stress lowers your immune system.


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## Gardenlover (Mar 19, 2020)

Thoughts for myself.

The fear of the unknown, loss of control, isolation and change of normal activities is bound to increase my level of anxiety. It helps to know that I am not alone in this. *I am stronger among others than I am alone, be it physically or virtually.*

My muscle size increases when I continually challenge the muscles to deal with higher levels of resistance or weight. While not pleasant, the end result is increased strength and prepares me for future endeavors. I believe the same is true of my mind.

But like muscles my mind needs time to recover, which increases as I age. I'll stay informed, but disengage before it becomes overpowering.

_And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know - Kansas_


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## Ronni (Mar 19, 2020)

Pepper said:


> @Ronni
> Don't know what type of medication you are on, but it was prescribed to help you.  As long as you don't overdo I think you should take it.  Too much stress lowers your immune system.


I agree. I am not a fan of meds of any kind. Im not on any. But this....this calls for something more than positive thoughts.
I started a group text tonight that includes all of my kids and their spouses/significant others. I NEED that connection. I need to be in touch.  And I’m so happy to report that they are responding enthusiastically!!  It’s been a boon to my mental health!! 

*“Children! I am struggling a bit with anxiety and panic attacks in the face of this virus threat. I have little concern for me, it's all of you that I worry about in *_*many different ways. I understand all the intellectual arguments and rationalizations, but still, at the end of the day,  it's connection with my loved ones that keeps me sane. So...I've gathered you all here so that at the click of a button I can connect with you all. This is for ME, so I beg your indulgence if I get a little needy. I'm just struggling a bit so bear with me Ok?  
Love you all ”*_


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## Gardenlover (Mar 19, 2020)

Ronni said:


> I agree. I am not a fan of meds of any kind. Im not on any. But this....this calls for something more than positive thoughts.
> I started a group text tonight that includes all of my kids and their spouses/significant others. I NEED that connection. I need to be in touch.  And I’m so happy to report that they are responding enthusiastically!!  It’s been a boon to my mental health!!
> 
> *“Children! I am struggling a bit with anxiety and panic attacks in the face of this virus threat. I have little concern for me, it's all of you that I worry about in*
> ...


What an excellent idea!


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 19, 2020)

We are all anxious for different reasons and seek “the comfort of the herd”; our basic humanity showing itself, flight or fight.  But we can’t run and we can‘t hide.  I am out more now than I was before.  I was home before by choice, now choice is gone.

I go out to defeat the anxiety, to defeat the fear, to refuse isolation, to choose my response.  But I am careful, and wipe, wash, don‘t touch my face etc.  Walk, now you have time to smell the roses. While we used to eat out a lot, you could not pay me to buy a fast food meal.

We are cooking and eating at home.  Stand outside in the air, while waiting to go into the store, making jokes with other people standing outside, waiting.  After all, the earthquake could have killed us all.  It’s all relative.

It is cold and rainy and we could die of  pneumonia or the “usual” flu.  My heart failure could, well, cause my heart to fail, my stage three kidney failure could kill me, my brain aneurysm could burst and on and on.  The virus is not bad in Utah, it is the least of worries for me.

Stay calm, seek normal as much as possible.  This is just another fork in the road.  We all can adjust to the new norm.  The human race will continue with or without us, as it has always has.


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## Aneeda72 (Mar 19, 2020)

Ronni said:


> I agree. I am not a fan of meds of any kind. Im not on any. But this....this calls for something more than positive thoughts.
> I started a group text tonight that includes all of my kids and their spouses/significant others. I NEED that connection. I need to be in touch.  And I’m so happy to report that they are responding enthusiastically!!  It’s been a boon to my mental health!!
> 
> *“Children! I am struggling a bit with anxiety and panic attacks in the face of this virus threat. I have little concern for me, it's all of you that I worry about in*
> ...


That’s great ronni.  I am calling my brother to check on him and his wife every couple day, lol, whether they like it or not!


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## Gardenlover (Mar 19, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> We are all anxious for different reasons and seek “the comfort of the herd”; our basic humanity showing itself, flight or fight.  But we can’t run and we can‘t hide.  I am out more now than I was before.  I was home before by choice, now choice is gone.
> 
> I go out to defeat the anxiety, to defeat the fear, to refuse isolation, to choose my response.  But I am careful, and wipe, wash, don‘t touch my face etc.  Walk, now you have time to smell the roses. While we used to eat out a lot, you could not pay me to buy a fast food meal.
> 
> ...


Don't know - In regards to flight or fight, run or hide, I'm pretty good at doubling back and becoming the hunter rather than the hunted. Some say it's a state of mind.


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## Pepper (Mar 19, 2020)

@Ronni 
Excellent that you connected and shared with your loved ones.  By doing so, you are taking control of the situation, and taking control gives you power.  Best of luck.  I have clinical anxiety too, so I can understand.


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## fmdog44 (Mar 19, 2020)

Look at the bright side we now have the cleanest hands in human history. Our air is cleaner cuz fewer cars on the road less frequently. We are going to take a second look at the way we live from this virus and I think it will be good.


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## Pecos (Mar 19, 2020)

Ronni,
Given everything going on right now, you are fully justified in feeling the way you do. I think most of us are feeling stressed right along with you. 
Hang in there, as they say: "This too will pass", hopefully sooner than we all think.


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## CarolfromTX (Mar 19, 2020)

Oh, bless. Stop watching the news! That's anxiety central. Your first responder son knows what he's doing. Trust him. Most healthy people who get it recover just fine. The odds are on your side.


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 19, 2020)

@Ronni  Saw this while browsing the web about anxiety revolving around the coronavirus, thought I'd post the link, short podcast there too for a listen if you like.  May be some useful tips on coping.  Hugs.

https://www.kunc.org/post/we-know-youre-stressed-here-are-some-tips-managing-anxiety-during-outbreak


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