# Anyone feel like their family only cares about their money?



## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Hi, just wondering if anyone else feels like their childrens’ interest in them is more about money than anything else? I thought that living with one of my children was going to be a good choice for me, but lately I’m feeling uncomfortable. I’m sensing a desire to get ahold of my money is playing too large a role in the behavior I’ve been experiencing and I’m wondering if I’m the only one? It’s not that I have a lot, and I do pay rent, it’s just things that have been said make me feel a bit like there’s a vulture sitting on my shoulder.


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## Pepper (Dec 19, 2022)

I have the opposite problem---my son pays for a lot.  It embarrasses me.


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## iksentrik (Dec 19, 2022)

I told my kids they each get a letter and a shovel, first one to find the coffee can buried in the backyard gets the 20 bucks.

Seriously though, I am living a parent's dream, both my kids are better off than I am, so they reallly don't care about my money. And I make more than I spend, so it's all good.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Pepper said:


> I have the opposite problem---my son pays for a lot.  It embarrasses me.


I understand. Part of my issue is having wildly expensive things bought “for me” that I don’t really want and never asked for nor expected (and sometimes I suspect not really for me). They have a pattern of spending wildly in general, and waste money like there’s no tomorrow. Then later when the bills come due , they look to me for more money. I’ve resisted so far because I was clear about what I would pay going in, and I don’t think it’s fair to expect more from a senior citizen on a fixed income than they agreed to after moving in. I feel like I’m dealing with someone with a spending problem and they need to work on that rather than looking to me to solve their self-imposed problems. I’ve just given them a really nice piece of jewelry for Christmas. I was thinking something to remember me by, a family heirloom to pass down, that sort of thing. Now I’m getting hints that a much larger rent is wanted, and that the gift I’d hoped would be cherished is not wanted. To me this is just rudeness and lack of gratitude not to simply graciously accept a gift offered with love without trying to turn it into some kind of financial windfall. Just because a senior citizen on a fixed income can save, or use layaway or a credit card to buy a loved one an expensive gift doesn’t mean they have money to throw around!


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

iksentrik said:


> I told my kids they each get a letter and a shovel, first one to find the coffee can buried in the backyard gets the 20 bucks.
> 
> Seriously though, I am living a parent's dream, both my kids are better off than I am, so they reallly don't care about my money. And I make more than I spend, so it's all good.


Mine is better off than me also, by far, but how much you make is less important than whether you live within your means.


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## Liberty (Dec 19, 2022)

Just wondering...didn't you have any indication of this type of "core" behavior prior to deciding to move in with them?


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## Buckeye (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> Hi, just wondering if anyone else feels like their childrens’ interest in them is more about money than anything else? I thought that living with one of my children was going to be a good choice for me, but lately I’m feeling uncomfortable. I’m sensing a desire to get ahold of my money is playing too large a role in the behavior I’ve been experiencing and I’m wondering if I’m the only one? It’s not that I have a lot, and I do pay rent, it’s just things that have been said make me feel a bit like there’s a vulture sitting on my shoulder.


Well, that would certainly be vexing.  Have you tried talking with your child about your concerns?


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Liberty said:


> Just wondering...didn't you have any indication of this type of "core" behavior prior to deciding to move in with them?


Until I lived with them I wasn’t able to see the day to day behavior. I’m talking about a successful professional here, so no, I had no idea. No concern was expressed about my limited ability to contribute to household expenses. Now it’s a different story, and I’ve seen the nonstop spending spree on luxuries up close and personal while occasionally seeing overdue utility bills and such lying around. It’s very alarming.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Buckeye said:


> Well, that would certainly be vexing.  Have you tried talking with your child about your concerns?


I have. They know about my feelings on saving for a rainy day, paying bills on time, and living within their means. They were raised right. But their pride, hypersensitivity and bad temper prevents me from saying anything now. It wouldn’t be wise as long as I’m living under the same roof. I’m seriously thinking about moving out and living on my own again. I thought I was going to feel more secure, and enjoy a good, close relationship in my elder years, but it’s not turning out that way. It’s rough out there for a senior citizen on a fixed income and extremely limited means, but this is starting to feel rougher.


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## Kika (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> Until I lived with them I wasn’t able to see the day to day behavior.


Isn't the saying "you don't really know someone until you live with them" so true?


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Yea! I haven’t lived with them since  college age. Now that they have full responsibility for finances, this troubling characteristic really shows. I expected much more maturity from a well educated professional by their mid 40’s. I’m disappointed but I did my best and they’re adult now. Nothing I can do. I know they know better, just making bad choices. I’m a little worried it could be a mild case of bipolar, as an uncle and grandparent had it. They’re known to be big spenders when they’re manic.That plus the hair-trigger temper has me concerned.


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## Knight (Dec 19, 2022)

Is the arrangement due to need on your part or are you able to live independently which will be the  way for you to control  what you are experiencing?


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## John cycling (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> Just because a senior citizen on a fixed income can save, or use layaway or a credit card to buy a loved one an expensive gift doesn’t mean they have money to throw around!


It does appear that way though, especially for something so useless, at least to me as I would never do such a thing.
In a situation such as yours it would seem important to show that you're not willing to toss money away.
Perhaps they're having a bad influence on you.  In any case, the living situation does not seem like a good place for you.


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## RadishRose (Dec 19, 2022)

_Hi, just wondering if anyone else feels like their childrens’ interest in them is more about money than anything else?_

No, not me.


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## charry (Dec 19, 2022)

My step sons only care and help their mother , (my husbands ex wife) because she has always thrown money at them , ive not even had them ask me if I need help with their father since his stroke ….


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## HoneyNut (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> bad temper prevents me from saying anything now. It wouldn’t be wise as long as I’m living under the same roof. I’m seriously thinking about moving out and living on my own again. I thought I was going to feel more secure, and enjoy a good, close relationship in my elder years, but it’s not turning out that way.


It doesn't sound like a nice situation, what are your options if you move out?


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## katlupe (Dec 19, 2022)

No, I don't feel that way about my son at all. 

Is there a possibility that you could live on your own? This does not sound like the best living conditions for you.


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## NorthernLight (Dec 19, 2022)

My daughter is much better off than I am. No problems there.

As for the other ... I have a relative who has kindly let me know that her home is my home. I have stayed with her, for months or years at a time. I paid my share of expenses.

Meanwhile, she had a spending problem. She would tell sob stories about not affording necessities. People at church (and others) gave her lots of money. Then she'd come home and show me the new dress she'd bought.

She tried pulling the same thing on me: "I'm going to need your help with my meds." (Or phone bill, or whatever.) I simply told her I couldn't give her more than the amount we'd agreed on. Which was true. Anyway, she seemed to accept it and didn't ask again.

Your situation sounds a bit more problematic. Or maybe you're feeling conflicted and have trouble saying no.

Good luck figuring it out!


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## Remy (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> Until I lived with them I wasn’t able to see the day to day behavior. I’m talking about a successful professional here, so no, I had no idea. No concern was expressed about my limited ability to contribute to household expenses. Now it’s a different story, and I’ve seen the nonstop spending spree on luxuries up close and personal while occasionally seeing overdue utility bills and such lying around. It’s very alarming.


Would you prefer your own apartment? Are they available in your area based on your income? 

I have access to my stepfather's dwelling (mobile in a park but newer) and bank accounts when he dies. Or if he goes into a nursing home, assets will all go there. But my brother was obsessed with my stepfather's mid 60's Ford pickup. Couln't wait to get it and my stepfather finally gave it to him. Now it sits in the elements in Virginia while my brother works out of the country. I had hoped that truck could go to a real enthuisiest some day but no my brother has it thinking it would make him happy and of coarse it can't.


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## Jace (Dec 19, 2022)

Yes!


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## bowmore (Dec 19, 2022)

Not here. I am blessed that my family is very grateful for what ever I am doing for them. I am paying for my granddaughter's nursing school, as well as tuition for both of my grandsons.


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## Kika (Dec 19, 2022)

My son and DIL have been after me to move in with them since I retired almost 4 years ago.  DILs mother lived with them for about 5-6 years before she passed away.

I cannot see myself giving up my independence, so the compromise is, I am moving closer to them (30 miles away) very soon.

I love them both, as well as my grandchildren and I'm sure they feel the same about me.  But given that there is no immediate need for me to not live alone, I am not giving that up.

They don't ask me for money, and really spend too much buying things for me.
If they expected me to help financially, I would move even further away from them.


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## Lawrence (Dec 19, 2022)

I understand what it is like giving money to children to take care of their problems. I have the same problems like giving money to one child and the other children expect you to give them money also. The children keep coming back saying they need more money. There is always a sob story, a drama situation, a manipulation effort to get more money. The only answer that I have found is to say NO. Also telling the children that they need to pay back the money before they get any more money helps a lot.


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## Pepper (Dec 19, 2022)

Kika said:


> My son and DIL have been after me to move in with them since I retired almost 4 years ago.  DILs mother lived with them for about 5-6 years before she passed away.
> 
> I cannot see myself giving up my independence, so the compromise is, I am moving closer to them (30 miles away) very soon.
> 
> ...


Kika, won't you need a car where you're moving to?


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## Bellbird (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> I understand. Part of my issue is having wildly expensive things bought “for me” that I don’t really want and never asked for nor expected (and sometimes I suspect not really for me). They have a pattern of spending wildly in general, and waste money like there’s no tomorrow. Then later when the bills come due , they look to me for more money. I’ve resisted so far because I was clear about what I would pay going in, and I don’t think it’s fair to expect more from a senior citizen on a fixed income than they agreed to after moving in. I feel like I’m dealing with someone with a spending problem and they need to work on that rather than looking to me to solve their self-imposed problems. I’ve just given them a really nice piece of jewelry for Christmas. I was thinking something to remember me by, a family heirloom to pass down, that sort of thing. Now I’m getting hints that a much larger rent is wanted, and that the gift I’d hoped would be cherished is not wanted. To me this is just rudeness and lack of gratitude not to simply graciously accept a gift offered with love without trying to turn it into some kind of financial windfall. Just because a senior citizen on a fixed income can save, or use layaway or a credit card to buy a loved one an expensive gift doesn’t mean they have money to throw around!


I wouldn't be happy living there.


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## Gaer (Dec 19, 2022)

Not my children. No.  They both realize possessions are meaningless.
Money is meaningless, except to care for basic needs.

I've noticed the rest of the world though is interested only in money and the outward material possessions.
Their senses seem to be preoccupied with the joy of their objects.
Nothing in the field of gross creation is so wonderful that it satisfies the thirst for happiness of the mind
so they are continually searching.


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## Nathan (Dec 19, 2022)

> Anyone feel like their family only cares about their money?


No, not a problem in our family.    However, after the experience with my EX, I pretty much adopted the philosophy that "_you never want to be worth more dead than alive_" .


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## Kika (Dec 19, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Kika, won't you need a car where you're moving to?


Yes, I will be using my son's spare car at first, until I find and buy my own.


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## Georgiagranny (Dec 19, 2022)

I don't have enough $$ for my family to care about and the payout from my life insurance definitely doesn't make me worth more dead than alive


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## Bella (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> I have.* They know about my feelings on saving for a rainy day, paying bills on time, and living within their means. They were raised right. But their pride, hypersensitivity and bad temper prevents me from saying anything now. It wouldn’t be wise as long as I’m living under the same roof.* *I’m seriously thinking about moving out and living on my own again. I thought I was going to feel more secure, and enjoy a good, close relationship in my elder years, but it’s not turning out that way. It’s rough out there for a senior citizen on a fixed income and extremely limited means, but this is starting to feel rougher.*


This situation is causing you a lot of stress, Penelope. Instead of appreciating what you do for them, they feel entitled to more than you're comfortable giving. You're worried about offending them while they're taking advantage of you. It also sounds like you're a little afraid of them. As long as you live under their roof, you will be subject to their desires.

If you can move to a senior complex of some kind, do so. Don't mention it to them now. Do some research on your own. Just be prepared for the kids to be pissed off and ask questions about why you want to move and to try to talk you out of it. They'll feel threatened by your moving out because they'll have less control. They might also withdraw their help if you need it and simply wait for your demise so they can collect. None of this is pleasant, but you need to do what's best for you. You're not happy. Do you want to live the rest of your life under their thumbs and walk on eggshells? They are adults and should be able to take care of themselves without running to Mommy to bail them out and getting mad if she doesn't. It's time for them to grow up.

I hope you can figure it out.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Knight said:


> Is the arrangement due to need on your part or are you able to live independently which will be the  way for you to control  what you are experiencing?



Good question. I think I can still live independently and I want to be more independent than I can be around my daughter. She wants to control all my decisions, large and small, and I think it’s because she wants control of all my money. I talked to her this morning and told her I think I need to be more independent at this stage of my life and offered to move out. She has a bf she wants to move in. So I may be moving out this spring if she can convince him to move in. He seems to me to be a commitment phobe so we’ll see.


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## Georgiagranny (Dec 19, 2022)

@Bella and @PenelopePlum How many times can I like this? @Bella You are absolutely giving good advice, and @PenelopePlum please think hard about what she's said. 

In my hometown, there's a complex that's really nice and owned by the city. The apartments are spacious with plenty of storage, and rents are subsidized so the most that's paid by residents is 30% of their income. Utilities and basic cable are included in the rent. There are common rooms, group activities for those who want to participate, a barber shop/hair salon, a library, laundry, and a bus to fetch and carry residents to local shopping/supermarkets.

Do you have a car or access to public transit or some kind of ride sharing? If not, maybe try to find a senior complex where there's dedicated bus service for the residents.

If you decide that living in a place of your own is the way to go, do your research and don't mention it until you've actually made a decision and been accepted.

It's something I wish I'd done years ago when DH died. I spent much too much time "thinking" about it and waffling until one day it dawned on me that I waited too long.


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## Devi (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> Good question. I think I can still live independently and I want to be more independent than I can be around my daughter. She wants to control all my decisions, large and small, and I think it’s because she wants control of all my money. I talked to her this morning and told her I think I need to be more independent at this stage of my life and offered to move out. She has a bf she wants to move in. So I may be moving out this spring if she can convince him to move in. He seems to me to be a commitment phobe so we’ll see.


Can she not afford the apartment without sharing rent with someone else?

Because if he doesn't want to move in, what position does that leave you in?

Plus, what @Georgiagranny said.


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## Georgiagranny (Dec 19, 2022)

@PenelopePlum And all the above said, what I call The Hovel is a granny flat attached to DD/DSIL's house. I have a separate entrance, and it's a self-contained apartment (kitchen, bath, sitting room, bedroom and even a walk-in closet)...tiny, but separate from their living space. But it's not the same as actually living on my own. They don't ask for $$ or anything like that, it's just...I dunno...not feeling like *my* home even though it was my money that built it. Hard to explain.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

John cycling said:


> It does appear that way though, especially for something so useless, at least to me as I would never do such a thing.
> In a situation such as yours it would seem important to show that you're not willing to toss money away.
> Perhaps they're having a bad influence on you.  In any case, the living situation does not seem like a good place for you.


Uselessness is in the eye of the beholder. I would have loved for my mother to do something so thoughtful for me as to give me something to remember her by, something I could pass on to the next generation. But she didn’t. She left me with no mementos of her at all.
I provide an example of living plainly and not extravagantly. It was an expensive gift for me in my situation, but not really expensive to most people. It was intended to be a special once in a lifetime gift.

But you’re right, it’s not a good place for me as I had hoped. Sad, but there it is. I’ve been dealing with efforts to pry information about my income out of me all day. They feel entitled to know everything about my personal finances. I never agreed to that when I moved in. I feel it is best for me to move out. This is too stressful for me.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

charry said:


> My step sons only care and help their mother , (my husbands ex wife) because she has always thrown money at them , ive not even had them ask me if I need help with their father since his stroke ….


I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s such a bad feeling to know your love for your children has little or no value. At least, that’s how I’m feeling. I’m a caregiver also, to an adult child with a disability. It’s hard work and can be quite draining. My heart goes out to you.


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## Georgiagranny (Dec 19, 2022)

@PenelopePlum You need some hugs! and a good comeback to their intrusive questions about your finances. If I had the words, I'd share, but since I'm never asked, I haven't had to think of any.

In any case, please please please feel free to come here and vent. And to share your progress in your hunt for a place to live independently.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

HoneyNut said:


> It doesn't sound like a nice situation, what are your options if you move out?


Well, with the current rental situation it will be back to the world of substandard housing, high rents and deposits, and difficult landlords I’m afraid. But if I feel safe and secure in my home. What I crave is the peace of controlling my own environment, and not being harassed.


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## Pepper (Dec 19, 2022)

So your disabled child lives with you at your daughter's?


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

katlupe said:


> No, I don't feel that way about my son at all.
> 
> Is there a possibility that you could live on your own? This does not sound like the best living conditions for you.


I think I need to try in order to have peace of mind. It will be difficult in the current rental market, but I think I need to try to get my independence back.


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## Kika (Dec 19, 2022)

@PenelopePlum - How long have you lived where you are now?
Was there an event that necessitated you moving there.
I'm guessing that it might have been to save expenses for both of you.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> My daughter is much better off than I am. No problems there.
> 
> As for the other ... I have a relative who has kindly let me know that her home is my home. I have stayed with her, for months or years at a time. I paid my share of expenses.
> 
> ...


That sounds very unpleasant and familiar. In the beginning it was “let me help you” but then it became clear they are looking for help with maintaining a certain lifestyle beyond their means. At times they are downright abusive, and say very hurtful things. I feel under constant threat of some sort.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Georgiagranny said:


> @PenelopePlum You need some hugs! and a good comeback to their intrusive questions about your finances. If I had the words, I'd share, but since I'm never asked, I haven't had to think of any.
> 
> In any case, please please please feel free to come here and vent. And to share your progress in your hunt for a place to live independently.


Thank you so much for your kind words. It does help to vent. I was tossing and turning all night. I have no peace here.


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## Blessed (Dec 19, 2022)

it is a hard think to think about, but your money is yours.  That does not mean you have to give it to them when you are alive or when you die.  An ironclad will is sometimes needed.  I have set things up so that my grandchildren have funds available for college.  I paid for the son to go to college when all his friends had to take out loans that will take years to pay off.  Most of these friends parents had more money than I did.  You have to decide who gets the money and what it will be used for.

Their education is important to me.  The funds will be available for a few years after they graduate from high school.  If they choose not to get a degree the money will be redirected to others. Don't just talk about it but set up the legal way for your money to be used.  We did not work this hard, go without just to let it be wasted on silly things.  

In my case, I want it to be used for education, down payments on a home etc..my son has learned by example to be thoughtful about money.  Even now, I give a gift of my help by buying groceries or paying for an experience for his family.   I do not give cash, if I see a need, I take care of it but I am not just giving cash.  I want to make sure it is being used in a way that is appropriate.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Remy said:


> Would you prefer your own apartment? Are they available in your area based on your income?
> 
> I have access to my stepfather's dwelling (mobile in a park but newer) and bank accounts when he dies. Or if he goes into a nursing home, assets will all go there. But my brother was obsessed with my stepfather's mid 60's Ford pickup. Couln't wait to get it and my stepfather finally gave it to him. Now it sits in the elements in Virginia while my brother works out of the country. I had hoped that truck could go to a real enthuisiest some day but no my brother has it thinking it would make him happy and of coarse it can't.


Yes, this is a comfortable home in a convenient location, but my peace of mind is more important to me. Apartments aren’t very affordable here, so where I live won’t be nearly as nice when I move out. I realize this, but just don’t feel emotionally comfortable here enough to make it worthwhile. Your story reminds me I had a sibling who stole all of my father’s tools and equipment from my mother when my father died, and then tried to rob their share of the estate from his siblings when my mother died. So I’m familiar with how ugly people can get with family over money. It’s a sad reality. Heartbreaking when it’s your children.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Pepper said:


> So your disabled child lives with you at your daughter's?


I am my adult child’s caregiver. Have been for 25 years, and will be for the rest of my life. That is why my income is so limited at this point in my life. I was limited in the kind of jobs I could take, and unable to put aside enough for a comfortable retirement. I provide the care for my disabled child though, my other children haven’t had to do anything in that regard and have showed no interest in helping. Basically my disabled child is viewed only as a burden by the rest of the family, unfortunately. I hear a lot of snide and hurtful comments. I had hoped an appreciation for him as a person would grow with time, but I no longer think that is going to happen sadly.


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## NorthernLight (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> Yes, this is a comfortable home in a convenient location, but my peace of mind is more important to me. Apartments aren’t very affordable here, so where I live won’t be nearly as nice when I move out. I realize this, but just don’t feel emotionally comfortable here enough to make it worthwhile.


When things get complicated, I remind myself that my peace of mind (or sanity, or whatever you want to call it) is of utmost importance -- to me. Each of us has to decide for ourselves.

Last year, I had to make a hard decision and move 1000 miles away from a place that I loved, just to afford an apartment where I could close and lock the door. (This had nothing to do with my family situation though.)


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Jace said:


> Yes!


I’m sorry to hear that. I hope this isn’t impacting you on a daily basis the way it is with me. It’s so hard.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

bowmore said:


> Not here. I am blessed that my family is very grateful for what ever I am doing for them. I am paying for my granddaughter's nursing school, as well as tuition for both of my grandsons.


That’s great, it must feel wonderful to be able to help out in that way.


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## Georgiagranny (Dec 19, 2022)

@PenelopePlum Believe me when I tell you that it doesn't have to be substandard housing and wicked landlords! Do your due diligence! Google is your friend. You can hunt up senior housing in your area. There are probably waiting lists, but my experience has been that if an apartment is offered and that person declines for whatever reason, their name goes back down to the bottom of the list, meaning that the waiting list can move along at a pretty good clip.

It also helps to talk to someone from your area's council on aging or whatever is the equivalent where you are and establish a "relationship" with them, even if only on the phone or via email.

I understand the need for peace. We all deserve it all the time, but most especially at this late stage of our lives.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Kika said:


> My son and DIL have been after me to move in with them since I retired almost 4 years ago.  DILs mother lived with them for about 5-6 years before she passed away.
> 
> I cannot see myself giving up my independence, so the compromise is, I am moving closer to them (30 miles away) very soon.
> 
> ...


Lucky and wise!


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## Blessed (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> I am my adult child’s caregiver. Have been for 25 years, and will be for the rest of my life. That is why my income is so limited at this point in my life. I was limited in the kind of jobs I could take, and unable to put aside enough for a comfortable retirement. I provide the care for my disabled child though, my other children haven’t had to do anything in that regard and have showed no interest in helping. Basically my disabled child is viewed only as a burden by the rest of the family, unfortunately. I hear a lot of snide and hurtful comments. I had hoped an appreciation for him as a person would grow with time, but I no longer think that is going to happen sadly.


There you have it, your answer.  You have this child that must be taken care of even if you are gone.  Time to see an attorney, do the will, make sure this child does not suffer or go without after your death.  To me, all your children should accept this decision.  It breaks my heart that they can not accept or know the brother has to be taken care off.  Since the siblings have never stepped up to help, you can't leave it to them to do the right thing.  Make sure anything you have is set up in a trust to care for him.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Kika said:


> @PenelopePlum - How long have you lived where you are now?
> Was there an event that necessitated you moving there.
> I'm guessing that it might have been to save expenses for both of you.


I was convinced we could get a nicer place to share than we can afford apart. The problem is, yes it’s a nice place, but I have to keep everything I own in one small bedroom. I even have to store food in there. It’s very inconvenient and frustrating. I wasn’t even allowed to have a storage shed in the huge back yard for my own things. They’ve staked out everything else as their territory. All the closets, garage, family room, living room, dining room, office, laundry room, even the full bathroom are is off limits. I can only use the 3/4 bathroom. Basically I’m treated like I’m an unwelcome guest. I can sit in the living room when they’re not around, but if they’re in the house they act like I don’t have the right to be there for example. If I’m watching a tv show when they come home they’ll interrupt. (Interestingly it is my tv.) If I leave anything at all in any of these shared spaces it will turn up missing or damaged. I did not expect to be treated with such disrespect or I never would have moved in.


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## Kika (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> They’ve staked out everything else as their territory.





PenelopePlum said:


> I can sit in the living room when they’re not around, but if they’re in the house they act like I don’t have the right to be there for example. If I’m watching a tv show when they come home they’ll interrupt.


Are you living with more than one of your children?


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## hollydolly (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> I was convinced we could get a nicer place to share than we can afford apart. The problem is, yes it’s a nice place, but I have to keep everything I own in one small bedroom. I even have to store food in there. It’s very inconvenient and frustrating. I wasn’t even allowed to have a storage shed in the huge back yard for my own things. They’ve staked out everything else as their territory. All the closets, garage, family room, living room, dining room, office, laundry room, even the full bathroom are is off limits. I can only use the 3/4 bathroom. Basically I’m treated like I’m an unwelcome guest. I can sit in the living room when they’re not around, but if they’re in the house they act like I don’t have the right to be there for example. If I’m watching a tv show when they come home they’ll interrupt. (Interestingly it is my tv.) If I leave anything at all in any of these shared spaces it will turn up missing or damaged. I did not expect to be treated with such disrespect or I never would have moved in.


Time to leave.. !!


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> When things get complicated, I remind myself that my peace of mind (or sanity, or whatever you want to call it) is of utmost importance -- to me. Each of us has to decide for ourselves.
> 
> Last year, I had to make a hard decision and move 1000 miles away from a place that I loved, just to afford an apartment where I could close and lock the door. (This had nothing to do with my family situation though.)


Glad you were able to do that. Peace of mind is priceless and worth great sacrifice. You don’t realize it until you’ve lost it. I am unable to move 1000 miles away due to my disabled son’s needs. I’m his caregiver and need to stay in the area. Otherwise, I would have moved away by now. It’s very expensive here.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Blessed said:


> it is a hard think to think about, but your money is yours.  That does not mean you have to give it to them when you are alive or when you die.  An ironclad will is sometimes needed.  I have set things up so that my grandchildren have funds available for college.  I paid for the son to go to college when all his friends had to take out loans that will take years to pay off.  Most of these friends parents had more money than I did.  You have to decide who gets the money and what it will be used for.
> 
> Their education is important to me.  The funds will be available for a few years after they graduate from high school.  If they choose not to get a degree the money will be redirected to others. Don't just talk about it but set up the legal way for your money to be used.  We did not work this hard, go without just to let it be wasted on silly things.
> 
> In my case, I want it to be used for education, down payments on a home etc..my son has learned by example to be thoughtful about money.  Even now, I give a gift of my help by buying groceries or paying for an experience for his family.   I do not give cash, if I see a need, I take care of it but I am not just giving cash.  I want to make sure it is being used in a way that is appropriate.


That makes sense. And that’s what’s so disturbing about what’s going on here. Who “helps” an elderly relative on a fixed income by taking their money when you don’t even really need it just to waste it on nonsense? Doesn’t make sense to me. That doesn’t feel like “helping” to me, it feels like helping yourself. I feel like I’ve been sucked into a whirlwind and I just want to get out of it. I don’t want to be connected financially in any way to what looks like a train wreck in the making.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Georgiagranny said:


> @PenelopePlum Believe me when I tell you that it doesn't have to be substandard housing and wicked landlords! Do your due diligence! Google is your friend. You can hunt up senior housing in your area. There are probably waiting lists, but my experience has been that if an apartment is offered and that person declines for whatever reason, their name goes back down to the bottom of the list, meaning that the waiting list can move along at a pretty good clip.
> 
> It also helps to talk to someone from your area's council on aging or whatever is the equivalent where you are and establish a "relationship" with them, even if only on the phone or via email.
> 
> I understand the need for peace. We all deserve it all the time, but most especially at this late stage of our lives.


Affordable housing is in such great demand here now that no one is even accepting applications for waiting lists. It really is bad here right now, and that’s why I allowed myself to be talked into this. But I’ll have to do what I have to do.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Kika said:


> Are you living with more than one of your children?


2 children and one grandchild. The house is plenty big enough for the 4 of us, there’s just no desire to truly share the home as I was told we’d be doing.


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## NorthernLight (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> I was convinced we could get a nicer place to share than we can afford apart. The problem is, yes it’s a nice place, but I have to keep everything I own in one small bedroom. I even have to store food in there. It’s very inconvenient and frustrating. I wasn’t even allowed to have a storage shed in the huge back yard for my own things. They’ve staked out everything else as their territory. All the closets, garage, family room, living room, dining room, office, laundry room, even the full bathroom are is off limits. I can only use the 3/4 bathroom. Basically I’m treated like I’m an unwelcome guest. I can sit in the living room when they’re not around, but if they’re in the house they act like I don’t have the right to be there for example. If I’m watching a tv show when they come home they’ll interrupt. (Interestingly it is my tv.) If I leave anything at all in any of these shared spaces it will turn up missing or damaged. I did not expect to be treated with such disrespect or I never would have moved in.


I've experienced all this. Yes, it's bad. 

I hope you can figure something out. Sometimes a miracle happens. Also, reaching out (as you've done here) is good. Someone might have an idea, or know somebody ... Please beware of do-gooders and rescuer types though.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Time to leave.. !!


Yes, I’m afraid you’re right. I’m going to try to find something in the spring. Very disheartening to be treated this way by those I love most in the world, but it is what it is.


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## hollydolly (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> Yes, I’m afraid you’re right. I’m going to try to find something in the spring. Very disheartening to be treated this way by those I love most in the world, but it is what it is.


I absolutely agree.. and it won't get better with time it will get worse I'm sure of it..I've actually witnessed this myself in my own family


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> I've experienced all this. Yes, it's bad.
> 
> I hope you can figure something out. Sometimes a miracle happens. Also, reaching out (as you've done here) is good. Someone might have an idea, or know somebody ... Please beware of do-gooders and rescuer types though.


I’m sorry to hear you experienced this, but I must confess it’s nice not to feel like the Lone Ranger. I hope you’re in a good situation now. I know just what you mean by the rescuers. I used to work in nonprofits and I swear there’s often more greed to be found there than anywhere else! I am praying every day for God’s divine providence. Thank you.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> I absolutely agree.. and it won't get better with time it will get worse I'm sure of it..I've actually witnessed this myself in my own family


I’m sorry to hear that. Such a shame. Yes, I’ve noticed a ramping up of frequency of explosions of temper and unreasonable demands. I’ve told them I plan to move out by May 1st. Hopefully they won’t harass me until then. If they do I may have to leave sooner.


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## hollydolly (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> I’m sorry to hear that. Such a shame. Yes, I’ve noticed a ramping up of frequency of explosions of temper and unreasonable demands. I’ve told them I plan to move out by May 1st. Hopefully they won’t harass me until then. If they do I may have to leave sooner.


you might find that they'll play the charm card as the time gets closer for you to leave and they realise your serious and they're about to lose income.. don't fall for it..


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Blessed said:


> There you have it, your answer.  You have this child that must be taken care of even if you are gone.  Time to see an attorney, do the will, make sure this child does not suffer or go without after your death.  To me, all your children should accept this decision.  It breaks my heart that they can not accept or know the brother has to be taken care off.  Since the siblings have never stepped up to help, you can't leave it to them to do the right thing.  Make sure anything you have is set up in a trust to care for him.


Yes, that’s the only thing about this experience that is actually good. At least I know now what I can expect from them as far as the future care of their disabled family member goes. Talk is cheap, it’s what people actually do that is telling. And who knows, maybe when I don’t stand for their bad behavior they will learn something from it. I can hope anyway.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> you might find that they'll play the charm card as the time gets closer for you to leave and they realise your serious and they're about to lose income.. don't fall for it..


Actually that happened last summer. Don’t think that’s going to work again. I’m very wary now.


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## NorthernLight (Dec 19, 2022)

Maybe not right for you, but ... Have you considered housesitting or light caretaking? A couple of years ago I met a man (already retired) who had spent most of his working life caretaking second homes, seasonal resorts, etc. He said he lived in luxury, got paid, and did very little work. Having done hard jobs for minimum wage for most of my life, I was filled with regret!


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## hollydolly (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> Actually that happened last summer. Don’t think that’s going to work again. I’m very wary now.


Good for you.. a hard lesson learned, but now you must stick to your guns...


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## Blessed (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> Yes, that’s the only thing about this experience that is actually good. At least I know now what I can expect from them as far as the future care of their disabled family member goes. Talk is cheap, it’s what people actually do that is telling. And who knows, maybe when I don’t stand for their bad behavior they will learn something from it. I can hope anyway.


I would not take the chance that the others would step up and do the right thing.  If they are all about money now, they will be the same in the future!


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

NorthernLight said:


> Maybe not right for you, but ... Have you considered housesitting or light caretaking? A couple of years ago I met a man (already retired) who had spent most of his working life caretaking second homes, seasonal resorts, etc. He said he lived in luxury, got paid, and did very little work. Having done hard jobs for minimum wage for most of my life, I was filled with regret!


Yeah, I couldn’t handle the heavy maintenance chores involved in addition to the caregiving chores I’m already getting challenged by. Sounds like a great opportunity for some though.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Blessed said:


> I would not take the chance that the others would step up and do the right thing.  If they are all about money now, they will be the same in the future!


They’ve already tried to convince me I should continue giving them money after I move out.


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## hollydolly (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> They’ve already tried to convince me I should continue giving them money after I move out.


..see that clearly shows that you're only there for what you can provide for them financially..either alive or dead...


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> ..see that clearly shows that you're only there for what you can provide for them financially..either alive or dead...


I know. I could hardly believe my ears. Just keep giving it to me and I’ll give it back to you if you need it. What?!


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## Leann (Dec 19, 2022)

My ex-husband was chronically unemployed so when our two daughters were in college, I helped as much as I could with their tuition, books and other expenses. I didn't want them to finish college saddled with a lot of debt and thankfully they didn't. Both went on to good careers and then got married and had children. My ex-husband (their father) did nothing to help them financially. I then gave each daughter a nice sum of money as their inheritance from me with the understanding that this could be all they get. They've never asked me for any additional money. However, if they did, I would help them. But my situation is much different than yours @PenelopePlum. I'd feel suspicious, too, if I were in your situation.


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## Kika (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> I was convinced we could get a nicer place to share than we can afford apart. The problem is, yes it’s a nice place, but I have to keep everything I own in one small bedroom. I even have to store food in there. It’s very inconvenient and frustrating. I wasn’t even allowed to have a storage shed in the huge back yard for my own things. They’ve staked out everything else as their territory. All the closets, garage, family room, living room, dining room, office, laundry room, even the full bathroom are is off limits. I can only use the 3/4 bathroom. Basically I’m treated like I’m an unwelcome guest. I can sit in the living room when they’re not around, but if they’re in the house they act like I don’t have the right to be there for example. If I’m watching a tv show when they come home they’ll interrupt. (Interestingly it is my tv.) If I leave anything at all in any of these shared spaces it will turn up missing or damaged. I did not expect to be treated with such disrespect or I never would have moved in.


I am having a huge problem getting past this.  Restricted to which bathroom you use? Storing your food in your bedroom? Laundry room off limits?  

Where are you able to do your laundry?  It sounds like a large house, you can't have designated refrigerator space, or cabinet space?  Do you all eat meals together?  So strange...yet you pay to live there. OMG


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## Leann (Dec 19, 2022)

Kika said:


> I am having a huge problem getting past this.  Restricted to which bathroom you use? Storing your food in your bedroom? Laundry room off limits?
> 
> Where are you able to do your laundry?  It sounds like a large house, you can't have designated refrigerator space, or cabinet space?  Do you all eat meals together?  So strange...yet you pay to live there. OMG


I agree. And it makes me wonder if Penelope Plum's family would help her should she need it. I'm not specifically saying financially but physically as well. 

@PenelopePlum please consider another living situation. You deserve something better.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

It’s nice that you were able to do that. I’ve always done everything I could for my kids and grandchild, but I am not wealthy. Lately I or my disabled son have been blamed for anything that requires a large cash outlay, at least for a senior on a fixed income. Area rug in dining room wears out, $185, carpets need cleaning $450, fancy robot vac dies $300, and on it goes. I’ve only lived here 2 years and I’m spending down what I’ve been able to save for dental and medical expenses for myself and my disabled adult son on things like this. I’ve come to the conclusion if I can afford this kind of thing I can afford to live by myself.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

It’s nice that you were able to do that. I’ve always done everything I could for my kids and grandchild, but I am not wealthy. Lately I or my disabled son have been blamed for anything that requires a large cash outlay, large at least for a senior on a fixed income. Area rug in dining room wears out, $185, carpets need cleaning $450, fancy robot vac dies $300, and on it goes. I’ve only lived here 2 years and I’m spending down what I’ve been able to save for dental and medical expenses for myself and my disabled adult son on things like this. I’ve come to the conclusion if I can afford this kind of thing I can afford to live by myself.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Leann said:


> I agree. And it makes me wonder if Penelope Plum's family would help her should she need it. I'm not specifically saying financially but physically as well.
> 
> @PenelopePlum please consider another living situation. You deserve something better.



I can do laundry when they aren’t here. I just can’t store all my cleaning tools and supplies in there as I could if it were truly a shared home. I have to keep anything I don’t want to be ruined or discarded in my room. They complain that I don’t do enough cleaning. When they complained about the kitchen floor not being mopped I bought a special bucket a mop so I could do it without bending and they didn’t like where I stored the bucket on the floor in the laundry room and moved it to a high shelf where I can’t reach it. I have some limited room for food storage in the kitchen, but I can only keep things there that I know they won’t eat. I asked them not to eat items I put in one of the crisper drawers and they resent that. Items I’m forced to store in the fridge otherwise they will eat if they want to. I’ve had no cream for my coffee in the morning on more than one occasion so I have to keep two bottles in the fridge to make sure I’ll have some. These things happen even though I buy groceries and cook meals when they ask me to, and I buy most of the cleaning supplies even though I do clean every day and pay them $400 a month for cleaning (which they don’t do). I told them when I moved in that I can’t do floors anymore, can’t run around picking up things off the floor all the time, because I have scoliosis. I have 3 curves in my spine, that’s why I really miss having access to a bathtub to soak the aches and pains away. I honestly believe at this point I could give every nickel I have to them and it still wouldn’t be enough and they would still treat me like an unwelcome, uninvited guest. Some days I feel like Cinderella Granny.


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## Blessed (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> It’s nice that you were able to do that. I’ve always done everything I could for my kids and grandchild, but I am not wealthy. Lately I or my disabled son have been blamed for anything that requires a large cash outlay, at least for a senior on a fixed income. Area rug in dining room wears out, $185, carpets need cleaning $450, fancy robot vac dies $300, and on it goes. I’ve only lived here 2 years and I’m spending down what I’ve been able to save for dental and medical expenses for myself and my disabled adult son on things like this. I’ve come to the conclusion if I can afford this kind of thing I can afford to live by myself.


None of those things sound important to me,   Area rug, they can wait and find on clearance or second hand,  Carpets to be cleaned, they can rent machine and do it themselves.  Robot vacuum, give me a break, they need to have a normal vacuum, the kind you have to push around the room. 
Those kids are just lazy.  The whole thing is ridiculous, tell them to get up off their butts and take care of their home.  

I am not out of line, my Mom came to live with me, at my invitation.  I did not expect her to do anything.  All she had to do was sit in her recliner and tell me what she wanted for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I did everything, I did not ask for or expect anything. When things got tough (dementia) I bathed, got her dressed, changed diapers, cut her nails and hair, I kept track of her meds and made sure they were taken.  

I don't see what is happening to you and disabled son is any kind of blessing.  Sounds more like torture.  If they can not see the truth of it, it is time to go. I would rather live in a garden shed than put up with that abuse.
I do not know if this is your son or daughter but I would think there spouse would stand up and say this is not right.  Does the SIL or DIL treat their parents with such disrespect?


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Kika said:


> I am having a huge problem getting past this.  Restricted to which bathroom you use? Storing your food in your bedroom? Laundry room off limits?
> 
> Where are you able to do your laundry?  It sounds like a large house, you can't have designated refrigerator space, or cabinet space?  Do you all eat meals together?  So strange...yet you pay to live there. OMG


It is really helping me to talk about this. The more I write down the more I realize how bad it’s gotten.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 19, 2022)

Blessed said:


> None of those things sound important to me,   Area rug, they can wait and find on clearance or second hand,  Carpetsd to be cleaned, they can rent machine and do it themselves.  Robot vacuum, give me a break, they need to have a normal vacuum, the kind you have to push around the room.
> Those kids are just lazy.  The whole is ridiculous, tell them to get up off their butts and take care of their home.
> 
> I am not out of line, my Mom came to live with me, at my invitation.  I did not expect her to do anything.  All she had to do was sit in her recliner and tell me what she wanted for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I did everything, I did not ask for or expect anything. When things got tough (dementia) I bathed, got her dressed, changed diapers, cut her nails and hair, I kept track of her meds and made sure they were taken.
> ...


They’re divorced but I got no respect there either when still married. They taught my grandson to disrespect me also which breaks my heart. They think normal things aren’t good enough, they think they are too busy and too important for things like cleaning even if they’re paid for it. Nothing but the best is good enough. Having to pay to replace the area rug was especially annoying because I’ve had two bad falls from tripping on area rugs here. I told them I need level surfaces or I’m at risk for falling when I moved in, but they felt that protecting the carpet from spills was more important and spent a bunch of money on very expensive area rugs. They just complain about me “dragging my feet” and blame me if a rug in a high traffic area wears out. Wish I had a crystal ball and would have known these things would happen, I never would have moved in. I did not raise my kids to behave this way.


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## Blessed (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> I can do laundry when they aren’t here. I just can’t store all my cleaning tools and supplies in there as I could if it were truly a shared home. I have to keep anything I don’t want to be ruined or discarded in my room. They complain that I don’t do enough cleaning. When they complained about the kitchen floor not being mopped I bought a special bucket a mop so I could do it without bending and they didn’t like where I stored the bucket on the floor in the laundry room and moved it to a high shelf where I can’t reach it. I have some limited room for food storage in the kitchen, but I can only keep things there that I know they won’t eat. I asked them not to eat items I put in one of the crisper drawers and they resent that. Items I’m forced to store in the fridge otherwise they will eat if they want to. I’ve had no cream for my coffee in the morning on more than one occasion so I have to keep two bottles in the fridge to make sure I’ll have some. These things happen even though I buy groceries and cook meals when they ask me to, and I buy most of the cleaning supplies even though I do clean every day and pay them $400 a month for cleaning (which they don’t do). I told them when I moved in that I can’t do floors anymore, can’t run around picking up things off the floor all the time, because I have scoliosis. I have 3 curves in my spine, that’s why I really miss having access to a bathtub to soak the aches and pains away. I honestly believe at this point I could give every nickel I have to them and it still wouldn’t be enough and they would still treat me like an unwelcome, uninvited guest. Some days I feel like Cinderella Granny.


Jesus Christ!! you are not a live in maid and cook.  You are the mother of one of these people.  How dare, how can they treat you like that.  I maybe older but I can still ball up my fist and punch someone in the nose.  I would not put up with from a stranger but if that were my son or daughter I would give them a hurt beyond imagination.  There is no excuse for their behavior at all. 

 I have one child, a son.  He comes over takes care of the yard and helps me in the house, changing light bulbs, cleaning ceiling fans etc, so I don't have to get on a ladder.  He comes and takes the big 90lb dog to the vet and groomer as I can't control him.  He came when I had a hip replacement, took and picked me after the surgery.  Got my pain meds and stayed with me for 3 days.  He cooked all the meals, he cleaned the house.  When he went home he took big dog home with him for a month.  He did not want to take a chance that big dog would knock me down. 

YOU NEED TO LEAVE!!


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## Happy Heart (Dec 19, 2022)

Are they also going after what ever your son's disability money? 
I urge you to seek out whatever senior services are in your area for both your benefits.  What you describe is financial and senior abuse to me.  And please don't discuss your plans with them because if they talk to a lawyer they might get to control your and your son't finances.  
My 50 yr. old cousin married a 20 something waitress with a litter of kids she couldn't support so the two of them spent a few years figuring out how to get my aunt's million dollar home overlooking U.C. Berkeley.  Once they got control of her money it got really ugly and there was little I could do to help my aunt because she  didn't protect herself while she could. Courts only care that she had food, regardless of how edible it was, a roof over her head, and mostly working heat.  
You have seen your future and it isn't pretty unless you take a stand now.


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## Blessed (Dec 19, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> They’ve already tried to convince me I should continue giving them money after I move out.


That is the most stupid thing I have ever heard. I live here, pay you rent, you treat me like trash but I should still give you money when I move out.  In what world would that be a normal thing.  Apparently, you have more than one disabled child, this one, the one you live with is out of their mind and belongs to be committed for mental problems.


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## Devi (Dec 19, 2022)

I wonder of your local Aging bureau could be of help.


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## Ruthanne (Dec 20, 2022)

What money .  I haven't any to escess.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 20, 2022)

Blessed said:


> Jesus Christ!! you are not a live in maid and cook.  You are the mother of one of these people.  How dare, how can they treat you like that.  I maybe older but I can still ball up my fist and punch someone in the nose.  I would not put up with from a stranger but if that were my son or daughter I would give them a hurt beyond imagination.  There is no excuse for their behavior at all.
> 
> I have one child, a son.  He comes over takes care of the yard and helps me in the house, changing light bulbs, cleaning ceiling fans etc, so I don't have to get on a ladder.  He comes and takes the big 90lb dog to the vet and groomer as I can't control him.  He came when I had a hip replacement, took and picked me after the surgery.  Got my pain meds and stayed with me for 3 days.  He cooked all the meals, he cleaned the house.  When he went home he took big dog home with him for a month.  He did not want to take a chance that big dog would knock me down.
> 
> YOU NEED TO LEAVE!!


You are very fortunate, I’m happy for you. The light bulb is out in the hallway to the bedrooms for a couple months I think. I don’t dare ask. I asked for help getting old nasty looking curtains taken down and towel bars fixed right after I moved in. I tried doing it myself and couldn’t do it. Asked for help but it annoyed them so I didn’t ask again. So no towel bars and nasty looking curtains are still up there after 2 years. I have one remaining lightbulb working over the sink but again don’t dare ask. They get too annoyed when I ask for help. Just now I asked ny grandson to help me clean up the mess he made in the kitchen making some kind of gooey play dough stuff and he tried to convince me I made the mess because he cleaned up after himself. He’s almost teenaged. Old enough to know better. Very lazy and I’m constantly having to clean up after him so I will not be blamed for the condition of the place. That’s how he was raised, but I never allowed my kids to behave this way when they were kids, so I don’t know why this is happening. This is helping to write this down because now that I’m writing it all down it’s sinking in how bad this has gotten. Embarrassing.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 20, 2022)

Happy Heart said:


> Are they also going after what ever your son's disability money?
> I urge you to seek out whatever senior services are in your area for both your benefits.  What you describe is financial and senior abuse to me.  And please don't discuss your plans with them because if they talk to a lawyer they might get to control your and your son't finances.
> My 50 yr. old cousin married a 20 something waitress with a litter of kids she couldn't support so the two of them spent a few years figuring out how to get my aunt's million dollar home overlooking U.C. Berkeley.  Once they got control of her money it got really ugly and there was little I could do to help my aunt because she  didn't protect herself while she could. Courts only care that she had food, regardless of how edible it was, a roof over her head, and mostly working heat.
> You have seen your future and it isn't pretty unless you take a stand now.


Wow, that’s evil. I will never understand why some people would rather take from others instead of working for it honestly. Oftentimes it looks like more work to commit fraud from what I’ve read. I have protected the disability money and made sure it gets spent appropriately, but I hate to think what would happen if they got control. I have felt paranoid that they might try to make me sound like a crazy or demented person and try to take total control. I refuse to answer questions about my income because of this kind of behavior and for that reason they call me “controlling”.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 20, 2022)

Blessed said:


> That is the most stupid thing I have ever heard. I live here, pay you rent, you treat me like trash but I should still give you money when I move out.  In what world would that be a normal thing.  Apparently, you have more than one disabled child, this one, the one you live with is out of their mind and belongs to be committed for mental problems.


Actually, I am afraid that may be exactly what’s happening, since a grandparent and uncle had bipolar it’s a definite possibility. But I don’t dare suggest counseling as long as I’m under this roof. I don’t want to trigger any rage attacks before I’m safely out of this situation, so I think it’s best if I just keep my head down until I move out.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 20, 2022)

Devi said:


> I wonder of your local Aging bureau could be of help.


Social services here are totally buried, I can’t expect help from that quarter. But thanks for the suggestion. They don’t help people until they’re living on the street here, and usually not then.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 20, 2022)

Ruthanne said:


> What money .  I haven't any to escess.


Doesn’t matter how little money you have, seems like someone wants to take it.


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## Ruthanne (Dec 20, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> Doesn’t matter how little money you have, seems like someone wants to take it.


I highly doubt it in my case.  Once they know how little I have, that is


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 20, 2022)

Well, I guess that’s the silver lining huh? 

Seriously I never expected anyone to be interested in my small fixed income  either, but apparently I was wrong.


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## Ruthanne (Dec 20, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> Well, I guess that’s the silver lining huh?
> 
> Seriously I never expected anyone to be interested in my small fixed income  either, but apparently I was wrong.


I guess there must be those who are lowdown enough to go after a meager low income.


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## Trish (Dec 20, 2022)

@PenelopePlum  Does your disabled son also live with you and your daughter?  If so, it sounds like both you and your son are vulnerable people in an abusive situation and whilst you alone might not get priority with local organisations, your son may do and, as his carer, you both might have more success if you were to make enquiries about being housed together and away from your current situation. Otherwise,  even if you were to move out alone, if you continued to care for your son, you would have to still go back to the house you fled to care for him.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 20, 2022)

Trish said:


> @PenelopePlum  Does your disabled son also live with you and your daughter?  If so, it sounds like both you and your son are vulnerable people in an abusive situation and whilst you alone might not get priority with local organisations, your son may do and, as his carer, you both might have more success if you were to make enquiries about being housed together and away from your current situation. Otherwise,  even if you were to move out alone, if you continued to care for your son, you would have to still go back to the house you fled to care for him.


I won’t be going anywhere alone. I have always provided a home that is safe and will continue to do so, we’ll be moving out together. I am the one who is being impacted in this situation. I would not tolerate any abuse of a disabled person, especially one I love. I’m just glad I figured out it wouldn’t be an appropriate placement for him after I’m gone so I can work on figuring out something good for him. So it’s actually a good thing I moved in long enough to figure out what the true situation is before doing the paperwork. I have not and never would leave a disabled person alone In the care of people who behave this way. Fortunately I am the 24/7 caregiver and that has never been necessary. I’m looking at rentals online and preparing to move out.


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## Trish (Dec 20, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> I won’t be going anywhere alone. I have always provided a home that is safe and will continue to do so, we’ll be moving out together. I am the one who is being impacted in this situation. I would not tolerate any abuse of a disabled person, especially one I love. I’m just glad I figured out it wouldn’t be an appropriate placement for him after I’m gone so I can work on figuring out something good for him. So it’s actually a good thing I moved in long enough to figure out what the true situation is before doing the paperwork. I have not and never would leave a disabled person alone In the care of people who behave this way. Fortunately I am the 24/7 caregiver and that has never been necessary. I’m looking at rentals online and preparing to move out.


Wishing you all the best @PenelopePlum and hopefully you will be in a happier situation in the not too distant future


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## hollydolly (Dec 20, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> I won’t be going anywhere alone. I have always provided a home that is safe and will continue to do so, we’ll be moving out together. I am the one who is being impacted in this situation. I would not tolerate any abuse of a disabled person, especially one I love. I’m just glad I figured out it wouldn’t be an appropriate placement for him after I’m gone so I can work on figuring out something good for him. So it’s actually a good thing I moved in long enough to figure out what the true situation is before doing the paperwork. I have not and never would leave a disabled person alone In the care of people who behave this way. Fortunately I am the 24/7 caregiver and that has never been necessary. I’m looking at rentals online and preparing to move out.


Run don't walk... It's so sad that your own daughter can treat you this way, but sadly not unusual... and she would no doubt be appalled and  angry if she were to be confronted by the fact that it's elder abuse.. but she's unlikely to change her ways even IF she was confronted... so it's imperative you get out now, while you are still able..


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 20, 2022)

Trish said:


> Wishing you all the best @PenelopePlum and hopefully you will be in a happier situation in the not too distant future


Thank you. I appreciated everyone who gave me feedback and let me talk about things that have been bothering me “out loud” so to speak. It really helped me figure out my next steps. I love all of my children and my grandchild very much but I’m not helping them by staying in this situation, and hopefully I’ll be able to find a good time to suggest counseling after we’ve moved out so she can get the help I think she needs.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 20, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> Run don't walk... It's so sad that your own daughter can treat you this way, but sadly not unusual... and she would no doubt be appalled and  angry if she were to be confronted by the fact that it's elder abuse.. but she's unlikely to change her ways even IF she was confronted... so it's imperative you get out now, while you are still able..


Thank you for your support. Yes, I don’t think confrontation would work in this case. She becomes very combative and angry when confronted about her behavior. She needs help, hopefully some day after I move I will find a good time to suggest counseling.


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## OneEyedDiva (Dec 20, 2022)

I'm so sorry you are experiencing that Penelope! It must be not only uncomfortable but hurtful.  I sincerely hope that the next steps you take will work out well for you. Thank God I don't feel that way as my loved ones are not that way. I have heard and read stories about children who were greedy and callous like that. What makes them feel so entitled? If I had a child and grandchildren like that, they would not be included in my will.


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## squatting dog (Dec 20, 2022)

You can pick your nose, and pick your toes, but, sadly, you can't pick your relatives. 
To quote Arnold...  "Get Out".


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## Been There (Dec 20, 2022)

My only heir is my niece. When we have discussed future happenings, she told me to leave my estate to several charities or whatever suits me, but she will be fine without receiving anything from me. She lives in San Jose and has done very well for herself. She knows she has been a bit lucky and also has received a few breaks along the way. She will also be surprised when I move on. Of course, things will change if I should marry.


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## Been There (Dec 20, 2022)

A fellow we play cards with is very, very well off or at least that’s the impression he gives. I doubt if he is ostentatious, but it’s always possible, I guess. He does get a new car every 2 years, but maybe that’s his lease and when we sit down at the card table to buy chips, he pulls out the proverbial wad big enough to choke a horse. Why he carries so much money, I have no idea.

He tells the rest of us that his 2 grown kids ask for money at least once or twice a month. He tells us and it’s not for like a $100 or so, but more like anywhere from $1000-$2000. We tell him to tell them it’s time for them to stand on their own 2 feet, but he said he’s afraid to because he’s been giving them money for so long, they may decide to kill him to get their hands on his full worth.

I asked him if he was serious and he said “hell yes, I’m serious.” The rest of us just looked at each other. One of the guys said ‘it sucks to be you.” The man answered, “do you think?” I think he really is afraid of his kids. He won’t eat or drink at their homes because he said he’s afraid they will poison him.


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## C50 (Dec 20, 2022)

I guess I am lucky, neither of my children have ever asked for financial help since they left home.  I am generous with them at times simply as a way of helping out but they don't ask and don't seem to have any expectations. 

I will say my daughter wants my home and property though, not out of greed but because it's such a nice piece of the world she wants to live her life here.lol


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## Warrigal (Dec 20, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> I can do laundry when they aren’t here. I just can’t store all my cleaning tools and supplies in there as I could if it were truly a shared home. I have to keep anything I don’t want to be ruined or discarded in my room. They complain that I don’t do enough cleaning. When they complained about the kitchen floor not being mopped I bought a special bucket a mop so I could do it without bending and they didn’t like where I stored the bucket on the floor in the laundry room and moved it to a high shelf where I can’t reach it. I have some limited room for food storage in the kitchen, but I can only keep things there that I know they won’t eat. I asked them not to eat items I put in one of the crisper drawers and they resent that. Items I’m forced to store in the fridge otherwise they will eat if they want to. I’ve had no cream for my coffee in the morning on more than one occasion so I have to keep two bottles in the fridge to make sure I’ll have some. These things happen even though I buy groceries and cook meals when they ask me to, and I buy most of the cleaning supplies even though I do clean every day and pay them $400 a month for cleaning (which they don’t do). I told them when I moved in that I can’t do floors anymore, can’t run around picking up things off the floor all the time, because I have scoliosis. I have 3 curves in my spine, that’s why I really miss having access to a bathtub to soak the aches and pains away. I honestly believe at this point I could give every nickel I have to them and it still wouldn’t be enough and they would still treat me like an unwelcome, uninvited guest. Some days I feel like Cinderella Granny.


@PenelopePlum, reading all of this I have concluded that you are being subjected to elder abuse. IMO it is time to seek help from organisations that deal with this problem. At the very least you need to see a financial councillor, first by yourself, then if they are willing, with your family members. You also need to see an attorney to review/revise your will and arrangements for your disabled son. Do not surrender your autonomy but get good professional advice and help to find somewhere that you can afford now and as time goes by.

I hope you can find a way to improve the family dynamics soon.


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## Happy Heart (Dec 20, 2022)

Been There said:


> My only heir is my niece. When we have discussed future happenings, she told me to leave my estate to several charities or whatever suits me, but she will be fine without receiving anything from me. She lives in San Jose and has done very well for herself. She knows she has been a bit lucky and also has received a few breaks along the way. She will also be surprised when I move on. Of course, things will change if I should marry.


Santa Clara County, San Jose is where my aunt lived.  They claim to be so progressive and attentive to seniors but the fact is that seniors are just a disruption to their day.  After three years, I had to point out them that my aunt's son had failed/refused to file the required annual financial reports for my aunt's finances.  As long as no one noticed her treatment it was fine with them.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 20, 2022)

OneEyedDiva said:


> I'm so sorry you are experiencing that Penelope! It must be not only uncomfortable but hurtful.  I sincerely hope that the next steps you take will work out well for you. Thank God I don't feel that way as my loved ones are not that way. I have heard and read stories about children who were greedy and callous like that. What makes them feel so entitled? If I had a child and grandchildren like that, they would not be included in my will.



I’ve spent the day reading about bipolar disorder because it’s occurred in my family (my brother and my father), and I’m more convinced than ever that’s what I’m dealing with here. I love my children very much and knowing the problem behavior is likely caused by a disorder gives me compassion despite the difficulties. I hope I’ll be able help them get counseling after I get into a safe living situation. It helps just to realize the puzzling behavior is probably involuntary.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 20, 2022)

Been There said:


> A fellow we play cards with is very, very well off or at least that’s the impression he gives. I doubt if he is ostentatious, but it’s always possible, I guess. He does get a new car every 2 years, but maybe that’s his lease and when we sit down at the card table to buy chips, he pulls out the proverbial wad big enough to choke a horse. Why he carries so much money, I have no idea.
> 
> He tells the rest of us that his 2 grown kids ask for money at least once or twice a month. He tells us and it’s not for like a $100 or so, but more like anywhere from $1000-$2000. We tell him to tell them it’s time for them to stand on their own 2 feet, but he said he’s afraid to because he’s been giving them money for so long, they may decide to kill him to get their hands on his full worth.
> 
> I asked him if he was serious and he said “hell yes, I’m serious.” The rest of us just looked at each other. One of the guys said ‘it sucks to be you.” The man answered, “do you think?” I think he really is afraid of his kids. He won’t eat or drink at their homes because he said he’s afraid they will poison him.


Wow, I guess he’s created a monster. Either that or maybe he’s paranoid.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 20, 2022)

Warrigal said:


> @PenelopePlum, reading all of this I have concluded that you are being subjected to elder abuse. IMO it is time to seek help from organisations that deal with this problem. At the very least you need to see a financial councillor, first by yourself, then if they are willing, with your family members. You also need to see an attorney to review/revise your will and arrangements for your disabled son. Do not surrender your autonomy but get good professional advice and help to find somewhere that you can afford now and as time goes by.
> 
> I hope you can find a way to improve the family dynamics soon.


I think the first step is getting safety, which means distance, then I will try to get them help. It’s been episodic behavior, not an everyday thing, which is why it has dragged on so long before I realized I really need to take action. It was mild at first, and I thought of it as having a bad day or hormones or something like that. But as I’ve been processing everything and writing it down I’ve realized I’m dealing with a mental health issue that’s getting worse. It helps a lot just to realize that.


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## Kika (Dec 20, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> I think the first step is getting safety, which means distance, then I will try to get them help.


Maybe focus first on getting whatever help you need for yourself and your disabled child.  The way you have been treated has done some damage to you and you may not realize at this time, but it will surface.


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## Teacher Terry (Dec 20, 2022)

_I would move out as soon as you possibly can. The situation sounds unsafe and abusive. I wouldn’t contact agencies for help as your daughter might try to pursue a guardianship portraying you as unstable. Once you are a senior younger people can have weird expectations of what is normal. 

Many seniors in Las Vegas had all their money /assets taken legally by a professional guardian and placed in horrible group homes against their will. It took years for their kids to be able to rescue them legally and they never got their assets back. This went on for years until the guardians were finally prosecuted. So sorry you are going through this ordeal. _


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 21, 2022)

Kika said:


> Maybe focus first on getting whatever help you need for yourself and your disabled child.  The way you have been treated has done some damage to you and you may not realize at this time, but it will surface.



Thanks for your feedback. I think like another poster suggested, I’m realizing I don’t have just one disabled child. I’m about 90% sure I’m dealing with mental illness, probably bipolar which runs in the family. So now instead of feeling resentment and fear I’m feeling more compassionate and have a better understanding what I need to do. Now that I’ve put 2 and 2 together I’m surprised I didn’t figure it out earlier.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 21, 2022)

Teacher Terry said:


> _I would move out as soon as you possibly can. The situation sounds unsafe and abusive. I wouldn’t contact agencies for help as your daughter might try to pursue a guardianship portraying you as unstable. Once you are a senior younger people can have weird expectations of what is normal.
> 
> Many seniors in Las Vegas had all their money /assets taken legally by a professional guardian and placed in horrible group homes against their will. It took years for their kids to be able to rescue them legally and they never got their assets back. This went on for years until the guardians were finally prosecuted. So sorry you are going through this ordeal. _


Thanks for your feedback. I’ve heard stories like that before and I am aware of those dangers. That’s why I’m not going to do anything to rock the boat before I’m moved out. I’m just going to keep it friendly.


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## hearlady (Dec 21, 2022)

Sorry you have to go through this.


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## Knight (Dec 21, 2022)

PenelopePlum said:


> I’ve come to the conclusion if I can afford this kind of thing I can afford to live by myself.


Way back I questioned if you were financially able to live away from the situation you are in.  As it is now from all you describe you have no control over what comes next for you. 

Look at it like this.

If I were the one writing all that you are experiencing. What would you advise me to do?


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 21, 2022)

hearlady said:


> Sorry you have to go through this.



Thanks. We all have our cross to bear.


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## PenelopePlum (Dec 21, 2022)

Knight said:


> Way back I questioned if you were financially able to live away from the situation you are in.  As it is now from all you describe you have no control over what comes next for you.
> 
> Look at it like this.
> 
> If I were the one writing all that you are experiencing. What would you advise me to do?


It will be difficult, but I think I can do it if I stop giving so much money to them and focus on moving. My biggest challenge will be getting a landlord to rent to me. They make you prove you have 3 times the rent in income here, and the rents and deposits are high.


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