# Post your daily Groaner here:



## Pappy




----------



## Aunt Bea

*Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? 

They say he made a mint.*


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Pappy




----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Aunt Bea

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? 

Great food, no atmosphere.


----------



## Pappy

Aunt Bea said:


> Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
> 
> Great food, no atmosphere.


----------



## Aunt Bea

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 

It's fine, he woke up.


----------



## Sassycakes

I just got an email about how to read maps backward,but it turned out to be spam.


----------



## Camper6

"I'll have you know my ancestors came over on the Mayflower "

_​"We had our own boat"_


----------



## Pappy

[FONT=.SF UI Display][FONT=.SFUIDisplay-Bold]*A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" *[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Display][FONT=.SFUIDisplay-Bold]*The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." *[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Display][FONT=.SFUIDisplay-Bold] [/FONT][/FONT]


----------



## Aunt Bea

Who invented the round table?

Sir Cumference!


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Aunt Bea

*From Hee Haw  1969

Roy Clark:*
 What do you call a man that don't believe in birth control?

*Grandpa Jones:*
 A daddy.


----------



## NancyNGA

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? 

A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

Ouch! nthego:


----------



## Falcon

Simple birth control method for men:   Put a pebble in your shoe.

            It makes you limp.


----------



## SeaBreeze




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work



A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint. The crew are believed to be marooned.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## HipGnosis

What did Moses say to his urologist?

"Let my urine flow"


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Ina




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Pappy

Went to Red Lobster tonight.


----------



## IKE

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and they saw a sign that said, "Disneyland Left".

They started crying and went back home.


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Falcon

LOL    Nancy


----------



## Pappy

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book 

the other was typing away on his typewriter. 

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. 

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Uncontrolable

I like making up my own jokes:
Have you seen the latest nature show, the one about parallel evolution?  For example they showed a bird that sits on cattle and picks insects.  These birds are called ox peckers.  In the U.S. there is a bird that sits on donkeys.  They are called ass pickers.


----------



## Uncontrolable

What happens when you cross a crab with a mattress?  You get a mattress, that when you fall asleep, tries to drag you under a rock and eat you.


----------



## Grumpy Ol' Man




----------



## Pappy

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. 

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. 

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. 

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. 

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

A frog is outgrowing his lily pad and decides to make some home improvements. He doesn't have the money, so he hops to the bank to borrow some. 

At the bank, he takes a seat at loan officer Patricia Black's desk and explains his dilemma. 

"I want to upgrade my lily pad, maybe add another window, but I don't have the cash. Can you lend me the money?" 

"Maybe. What can you offer as collateral?" 

"Well," says the frog. "All I have is this paperweight. You shake it up, and it snows on the little village. Cute, huh?" 

"Hmm . . . I'll have to speak to my manager." She enters her manager's office. 

"Mr. Bitterby, I've got a frog at my desk who wants to borrow money for lily pad improvements. But all he can offer for collateral is this glass paperweight." 

Mr. Bitterby takes the paperweight, hefts it in his hand, looks at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan."


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief. 

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice. 

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware." 

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale. 

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader. 

The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## CeeCee




----------



## Pappy




----------



## CeeCee

Here's one but you may have to live in the US to get it...





http://www.churchs.com/


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Grumpy Ol' Man




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Aunt Bea

Here is a twofer.

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'



[FONT=&quot]The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]


----------



## Pappy




----------



## hangover

What side of a duck has the most feathers?...the outside

how do you get down off an elephant?...you can't, you get down off a duck...or a goose


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy

A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip of the beer and a small voice say's "Nice Tie!!". 

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. A little puzzled he takes another sip, and again the voice says "Nice shirt Too!!!". 

Now the man calls the bartender back and complains that everytime he takes a sip of beer he hears a small voice. 

The bartender says "Oh never mind that! That's just the peanuts, they're complimentary!!


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy

Pappy said:


> View attachment 41470


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Falcon

LOL   Nancy.    (I get it.)  The old cartoonist's  trick.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Timetrvlr

Warning
DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!

It involves the use of shampoo when it runs down your body as you shower.
I don't know why the public wasn't informed about this a long time ago.
I have always used shampoo in the shower!!!!
But when you wash your hair in the shower, the shampoo runs down your body,
and printed clearly on the shampoo label is this warning; "For Extra Body and Volume"!!!
No damn wonder I have gained so much weight!!!
So I for one have alleviated this problem.
I got rid of the shampoo, and I now use "Dawn Dishwashing Liquid"
The label on the dishwashing liquid states; "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove"!!
Problem solved.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## CeeCee




----------



## CeeCee




----------



## Pappy




----------



## OldBiker

I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


----------



## Pappy

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."


----------



## OldBiker

Texting Codes For Seniors
 Young people have theirs, now seniors have their own texting codes:
 * ATD- At the Doctor's
 * BFF - Best Friends Funeral
 * BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
 * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
 * CBM- Covered by Medicare
 * CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center
 * DWI- Driving While Incontinent
 * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
 * GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
 * GHA - Got Heartburn Again
 * LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
 * LOL- Living on Lipitor
 * TOT- Texting on Toilet
 * WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
 Hope this helped.


----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA

_"Say, Will---why don't you pull that thing  
...........out and play us a tune?"_


----------



## OldBiker




----------



## OldBiker




----------



## OldBiker




----------



## OldBiker




----------



## OldBiker

Granny, Grandpa's on that Senior Forum again!


----------



## Pappy

*An*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*East Indian fellow*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*has*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*moved in next door.*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*He*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*has*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*traveled the world,*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*has*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*swum with sharks,*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*has*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*no*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*surprise to learn **his*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*name was*[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*Bindair Dundat.*


----------



## OldBiker

Pappy said:


> *An**East Indian fellow**has**moved in next door.**He**has**traveled the world,**has**swum with sharks,**has**wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as**no**surprise to learn **his**name was**Bindair Dundat.*



Pappy.

BeenThere DoneThat.

That's a good one!

Keep up the good works!

Keep on ah posting!


----------



## JaniceM

"I said I was going to the store, but I've gotta stop and run into my neighbor's for a minute"

http://www.kcci.com/article/police-respond-to-crash-find-suv-upside-down-inside-home/12477425


----------



## OldBiker

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. 

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at   least one of the puns would win.

 Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


----------



## OldBiker




----------



## OldBiker




----------



## OldBiker




----------



## OldBiker




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## CeeCee




----------



## CeeCee




----------



## Falcon

Groan  is RIGHT !


----------



## CeeCee

Falcon said:


> Groan  is RIGHT !




Good!  I achieved my goal and posted a groaner.


----------



## Sassycakes

CeeCee said:


> View attachment 42618


----------



## NancyNGA

Young Charles Dickens


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## OldBiker

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied. 

“And what about Salt Lake City?” 

“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said “but there is a stopover.” 

“Where?” 

“In Denver,” she said.


----------



## RadishRose

OldBiker said:


> I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.
> 
> “And what about Salt Lake City?”
> 
> “We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said “but there is a stopover.”
> 
> “Where?”
> 
> “In Denver,” she said.



:laugh:


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx

OldBiker said:


> I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.
> 
> “And what about Salt Lake City?”
> 
> “We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said “but there is a stopover.”
> 
> “Where?”
> 
> “In Denver,” she said.


The front of the plane gets to Denver first..


----------



## OldBiker

My opinions might have changed...  

But not the fact that I am right!


----------



## OldBiker

A sleeping beggar puts a sign in front of him. 

The sign reads:  

Please do not make noise by dropping coins... 

Use dollar bills instead.


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## OldBiker

One morning a call came in to the school office. 

"Hello, please mark William absent today. 

He's sick," said the caller. 

"Okay," said the receptionist. 

 "May I ask who is speaking?" 

"My uncle," said William.


​


----------



## Pappy

A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers. One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth. About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard. "Here ", she said. "This came in the mail today ". The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!"


----------



## OldBiker

John: Do you know how big the world's biggest nose was? 

 David: Eleven inches 

 John: That's not very long. 

 David: If it was any longer, it would be a foot.
​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## OldBiker

A man was standing in a line at a bank to withdraw cash. After an hour his turn came and he gave his bank details to the cashier. The cashier said, "I am sorry, sir. There's no cash." 

Fuming with anger, the man rushed to the manager's room and yelled at him. "You are a big bank and you don't have cash? Close my account!" he demanded. 

The manager pacified the man and rushed to the cashier. Minutes later he returned and the man asked, "Did you bring my cash or you are still running out of it?" 

The manager replied, "Sir, we have enough cash. Unfortunately, your account does not."


​


----------



## OldBiker

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." 

"Good, what are we having for breakfast?" asked Dewey, the new husband. 

"Toast and juice," Tracy replied.


----------



## OldBiker

The boss had listened in sympathetic silence as Mario went through the reasons why he needed, and felt he deserved, a raise.   

Then, with a compassionate smile, the CEO patted he younger man on the shoulder. “Yes, Mario,” he said kindly, “I know you can’t get married on the salary I’m paying you… and some day you’ll thank me for it.”


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. ~~~She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions. " ~~~She says, "Why all the clocks in the window? "~~~And he says, "And what should I have in my window? "


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy

Groan.....


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*And they say blondes are dumb....*[/FONT][/FONT]


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Butterfly

Ken N Tx said:


> View attachment 43916



What a surprise!


----------



## Pappy

[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*Oh WOWWW!! ... *[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]* A lot of crazy people out tonight! *[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*So, I pulled into a Speedway to get some gas. I noticed these two police officers just standing there staring at a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. I saw her and thought, “you gotta be kidding me,” with the cops right there and all. Shaking my head, I changed my mind about getting gas and pulled over to a parking spot so I could go inside and get milk. Then, just as I was opening the door to go inside, I heard someone screaming. I turned around and the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm & running around in circles.  I then watched the officers  run over threw her to the ground and dose out the fire with their coffees!!! Next, they put handcuffs on her and put her in the back of the police car. I was thinking, “Why?” Soooo ... I walked over and asked the officers what they were arresting her for. One of the cops looked me square in the eyes and said, "WAVING A FIREARM!" *[/FONT][FONT=&quot]&#55358;&#56614;&#55356;&#57339;*&#55358;&#56611;&#55357;&#56834;&#55357;&#56838;&#55357;&#56860;[/FONT][/FONT]


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## kburra

My Jamaican grandmother asked me why I like chocolate spread so much?

Me  Nuttela


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## corkyzdad

*Naughty little Benny stole the Rabbi's gold watch.*
*That night he couldn't sleep, so the next morning he went to the Rabbi's office before school.*
*"Rabbi, I stole a gold watch."*
*"Benny, that's a big sin. Return it to the owner immediately."*
*"Do you want it?"*
*"No, I said return it to its owner."*
*"But he doesn't want it."*
*"Ah, in that case, you can keep it."*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA

After Halloween...   Witchy tow broom service.


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Meanderer

Xylophone...on the range!


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Meanderer

NancyNGA said:


>



That reminds me of the Smothers Brother's song "Chocolate". Why did Tommy yell "Fire" when he fell into the chocolate....because no one would run to help him if he yelled "CHOCOLATE"!


----------



## Denise1952




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Meanderer

Mother turkey, to mis-behaving son:
"Shame on you you bad little turkey!  If your daddy could see you now, he's roll over in his gravy"!


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## OldBiker




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300. " "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking. " "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth. " "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike! "


----------



## MarkinPhx




----------



## MarkinPhx




----------



## Pappy

MarkinPhx said:


> View attachment 45561



A younger person would look at this, scratch their head, and say..what is this?
Good one...


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA

Billy Idol, Rebel Yell


----------



## corkyzdad




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*The bad and ugly king had a beautiful       girl as a captive. Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons (and her moon wasn't so       bad either), the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming. She waited day and       night, looking out with hope out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would       free her. However, every knight was scared away by her dress, which, as I've said before,       was very ugly. She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered, .... 
  "See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!!!" *


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose

I can't believe how long it took me to get this joke!


----------



## Granny B.




----------



## debodun

Ha!


----------



## Pappy

RadishRose said:


> I can't believe how long it took me to get this joke!



Dont feel bad Rose. I didn’t get it at first either. The report card tells all.


----------



## Falcon

Pappy said:


> View attachment 46325



Same thing happened to George Costanza  on one episode of Seinfeld.

But it wasn't an elephant's trunk.   LOL


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA

So who wins?


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy

They finally found a use for the Edsel.


----------



## NancyNGA

Front wheel drive, back wheel slide?


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Metal Man

Bill: My upstairs neighbors are so loud. Last night they were banging on the floor all night.
Bob: Did they wake you up?
Bill: No, fortunately I was playing my tuba.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Victor

What is the friendliest state:   O HI O
What is the most romantic flower? Tu lips
What flower is like a crazy pickle?  Daffydill
Which state is the most egotistic?   ME.

I have a whole book of shark jokes.

I made these stupid jokes. Really for kids!
I know many more


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## C'est Moi




----------



## Pappy




----------



## OldBiker

Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?

A: He wanted to be a cool cat.​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA

Ouch!


----------



## IKE

A buddy of mine bought a dog from a blacksmith......as soon as he got the dog home it made a bolt for the door.


----------



## IKE




----------



## IKE




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx

Pappy said:


> View attachment 48343


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Happyflowerlady




----------



## RadishRose

Happyflowerlady said:


>



omg- that's hilarious!


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## fmdog44

My wife said, "Take me on a vacation. Somewhere I've never been before". "Fine. lets start with the kitchen."


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Meanderer

You will be missed


----------



## NancyNGA

Spamalopes


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Pappy




----------



## myfeethurt

new genetic research
shows that diarrhea is hereditary

IT RUNS IN YOUR JEANS


----------



## Furryanimal

The Paxtors Wife
*​*[h=3]The Poor Pastor's Wife Returned from Shopping...[/h]The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.  

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"  

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"  

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."


----------



## Pappy

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon? " "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic... " Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum! " "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words? " "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please! " "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words! " ~~~Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook! "


----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## debodun

How successful was the stripper that decided to quit and become a clothing designer?

She pulled it off.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA

:sorry:


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## ancient mariner

Little Johnny asks his father: 
"Where does the wind come from?" 
- 
"I don't know." 
- 
"Why do dogs bark?" 
- 
"I don't know." 
- 
"Why is the earth round?" 
- 
"I don't know." 
- 
"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?" 
- 
"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## debodun

Q. What did the baseball player do to keep his wife from catching him coming home late?

A. He stole home.


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## RadishRose

Gosh, I listened to it all morning while the landscapers were mowing and leaf blowing.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Meanderer

Ditto!


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Granny B.




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## IKE

What did the father buffalo say to his son as he was leaving for college ?

Bison.


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## debodun

If food doesn't go to waste it will certainly go to waist.


----------



## JaniceM

There's a commercial on t.v. advertising this candy.  The company that makes it is called Lindt-  pronounced 'lint.'  They should make a new commercial saying "EVERYBODY LIKES TO EAT LINT!"  layful:


----------



## debodun

I wish that was the lint in my navel.


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## debodun

Q. What happened when the Broadway set designer had a fight with her boyfriend?

A. She made a scene.


----------



## debodun

Q. What would Mr. Spock say to someone that lived on a really warm planet?
 A. “Live long and perspire.”


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Falcon

Huh ??


----------



## NancyNGA

Falcon said:


> Huh ??


Based on the lyrics of the song, _Take it Easy,_ by the Eagles:  _"It's a girl, my lord, in a flat bed Ford slowin' down to take a look at me." _


----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## debodun




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## debodun

Q. What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when offered the movie role of a Baroque composer?

A. I'll be Bach.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## debodun

Q. What did the undertaker realize when the widow refused to pay for her husband's funeral?


 A. He'd been stiffed.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## NancyNGA




----------



## debodun

Q. What did they call the organization that broke away from the carpenter's union?


 A. A splinter group.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## debodun

Q. What did the uninsured patient have to do to pay the doctor for treating his chest cold?

A. Cough up some money.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Butterfly

Meanderer said:


> That reminds me of the Smothers Brother's song "Chocolate". Why did Tommy yell "Fire" when he fell into the chocolate....because no one would run to help him if he yelled "CHOCOLATE"!



I remember that, too.  Funny!  I liked the Smothers Brothers.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

Daily groaner:


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. 
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


----------



## Victor

*What  flower is like a crazy pickle?*



*A daffy dill.*


----------



## Pappy

This would work for me


----------



## dkay

I'm going to an organ recital today.

Yup, that's where my Aunt Nutsy recites every organ in the human body then explains what she has wrong with each and every one of them.


----------



## Pappy

What kind of beverage does a frog like?

HOT CROAKO.   :yeah:


----------



## MarkinPhx




----------



## Olivia

MarkinPhx said:


>


LOL! I had to read this twice to get it.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Furryanimal

[h=2]What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
[/h]
“Robin, get in the car.”


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Granny B.




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose

I Wondered Why the Baseball Was Getting Bigger and Bigger. then It Hit Me


----------



## Furryanimal




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Sassycakes

Learning to be a Father

"Well, here is your problem." the doctor says to the first time father.  "It seems that this child needs a diaper change." The new father then replies  "but I swear, that package said it was good for 8-10 lbs."​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Pappy said:


> View attachment 60279




:lol1::lol1::lol1:


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Pappy said:


> View attachment 62177



:lol1::lol1::lol1:


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## C'est Moi

*A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The       brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One       day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man       asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"
      The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip       monk."
*


----------



## C'est Moi




----------



## C'est Moi




----------



## CeeCee




----------



## C'est Moi




----------



## C'est Moi




----------



## Lord Elpus

Yesterday, I took the M4 out of London.


...I'd got just ten miles,when the police stopped me & made me put it back.


----------



## CeeCee

Here’s a groaner with a yuck factor, lol.


----------



## RadishRose

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Furryanimal

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.
She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.
She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything.
The funniest thing happened.
As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit.
I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.
She said that was fine with her.
So...
I switched the heads."


----------



## Pappy

Insert drum roll here.......


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Pink Biz

:hee:


----------



## win231

*Medical Terminology For The Layman:

*Antigen:                    Uncle Jim’s wife.

Artery:        The study of fine paintings

Autoimmune:           A car that will never be in an accident

Barium:     What you do when CPR fails.

Benign:      What you do after you’re eight.

Centigrade:               Mailed test scores.

Cirrhosis:     An English knight.

Coccyx:                      An ill rooster.

Congenital:   Friendly

Crutch:                     Part of a Japanese car not equipped with automatic transmission.

Cryosurgery:             Weeping after an operation.

Cystogram:               A message sent to your sister.

Dilate:                      To live long.

Erection:                  Japanese voting process.

Forceps:                   A pair of biceps.

G.I. Series:               Baseball games between teams of soldiers.

Hygiene:                   A greeting to Gene.

Intern:                     The order in which doctors see patients.

Iris:                          The organization that collects taxes.

Jugular:                   A circus performer.

Kidney:                    A baby goat’s leg joint.

Morbid:                    Higher offer.

Nitrate:                     Lower than the day rate.

Node:                       Was aware of.

Outpatient:                A person who has fainted.
 
Palsy:                       Getting very friendly.

Pigment:                  What Miss Piggy meant.

Protein:                    In favor of young people.

Rectum:                   The result of two cars after a collision.

Testicles:                  An exam that makes you laugh.

Tibia:                       Abbreviation for: “To be a.”      

Tumor:                     An extra pair.

Urine:                     Opposite of you’re out.

Varicose Veins:       Veins which are very close together.

Vertigo:                   What a lost child doesn’t know.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx

Groan


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Ken N Tx

RadishRose said:


>


----------



## Furryanimal

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn't want to appear insensitive, he also doesn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says: "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."


----------



## Ken N Tx

Furryanimal said:


> A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn't want to appear insensitive, he also doesn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says: "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx

Pappy said:


> View attachment 109373


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Meanderer




----------



## Nate007




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Furryanimal

I told a Chemistry joke.It had no reaction.


----------



## debodun

Young people probably wouldn't get that Friday meme.


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Pappy




----------



## tbeltrans

debodun said:


> Young people probably wouldn't get that Friday meme.


...as wouldn't those who simply can't remember.   

Tony


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Pappy

I just purchased a microwave bed. 8 hours sleep in 10 minutes.


----------



## Dana

Bruce the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."

The builder went to the front door and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the woman said "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?" The builder said, "Don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwis laying the turf out front."

PS: "kiwi" = someone from New Zealand LOL


----------



## Aunt Bea

_Hey, Grandpa what's for supper?






Himalayan Rabbit Stew!

I found him a layin in the road this morning!_


----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Hapiguy

The teacher asked little Bobby why he was late for school…

Little Bobby said “I was needed to help my Daddy on the farm...we had to take the bull out to tend to the cows.”

Teacher asked, “Couldn't your Daddy do it himself?”

“No teacher", said little Bobby ”It takes the bull.”


----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## Pappy

A train of 2x4s went by. It was just lumbering along ..


----------



## JonDouglas

I used to be addicted to hokey pokey. But I turned my self around.


----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## JonDouglas

As a motorcycle rider, I should tell  you that it is OK to give a nun a ride but don't make it a habit.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## JonDouglas

One more for the road:


----------



## rkunsaw

I was reading that one out of four women were taking medication for the treatment of mental illness. That's scary, but even scarier is the thought that three out of every four women are walking around untreated.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## Pappy




----------



## JimBob1952

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"


----------



## dobielvr

What do you call a fake noodle?.........an impasta


----------



## Pappy




----------



## JimBob1952

Q. What kind of cheese is my cheese?

A.  It's nacho cheese.


----------



## Patch




----------



## Patch




----------



## Patch




----------



## JonDouglas

The past, present and future had a stand-off.

It was tense.


----------



## JonDouglas

I really like my new job, riding out on my motorcycle in the country delivering medication to cows, pigs and chickens. 
I’m a farm assist


----------



## dobielvr

JonDouglas said:


> I really like my new job, riding out on my motorcycle in the country delivering medication to cows, pigs and chickens.
> I’m a farm assist


I was thinking as I was reading your post 'wow what a neat job to have'....then I saw your punch line.  Ha ha


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonDouglas

I would like to tell folks a joke about a ceiling,
but it's over their heads.


----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## JonDouglas

Perhaps it is time for a quite terrible groaner of the nerd kind.,


----------



## JonDouglas

Bread is like the sun.
It rises in the yeast
and sets in the waist.


----------



## JonDouglas

There’s a new dating app for bald men. Totally free. No need to pay


----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## JonDouglas

My four year old has been learning Spanish for a year and still cant say "please"

Personally, I think that's poor for four!


----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonDouglas

It was reported that somebody in town has been stealing the wheels off of police cars.

Police are working tirelessly to catch the thief.


----------



## SetWave




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonDouglas

Pappy said:


> View attachment 156636


Yes it is, today.


----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## JonDouglas

*These are my new loafers.*






I kneaded them.
I knew they would rise to the occasion.
They cost a lot of dough.
Somebody said they were crumby.
Anyway you slice it, they're different.


----------



## JonDouglas

A dog sleepwalks into a bar, and says between snores,”I’m a cat, zzzz, I’m a cat, zzzzzz”
The bartender nods and says,”yes you are”.
The dog turns and sleepwalks out. Someone at the bar asks, “why did you agree with that dog?”
The bartender relies,” sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie”.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## JonDouglas

A friend of mine always helps me out with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols, and what they mean ...

The guy is a legend.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## hawkdon

hahahahahaha almost dropped my cereal bowl on the 
keyboard......hahahahah./.......


----------



## JonDouglas

If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?


----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonDouglas

You all may call it a wharf, but I’m calling it a dock

I’m not succumbing to pier pressure


----------



## SetWave

A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?"

( You asked for groaners....!!!)


----------



## JonDouglas

My archeologist friend invited me to his party.

Apparently the entertainment was looking for leg bones in his backyard. 

It was quite the shindig


----------



## Pappy




----------



## SetWave

Three magicians are walking down the street
They turn into a bar . . . 
The bartender says, "What is this a joke?"


----------



## JonDouglas

Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf lifts her up and strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
As they come out of the chiller section the old lady's husband is waiting by her wheelchair.
"I would really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
She replies,

"Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."


----------



## SetWave

What did the envelope say to the postage stamp?

Stick with me and we'll go places.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonDouglas

The CEO of Ikea has just been elected president of Sweden. He hopes to have his cabinet assembled by the end of the week!


----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonDouglas

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch… Yeti never complains!


----------



## Keesha




----------



## JonDouglas

Caught one of my kids chewing on an electric cord.  Had to ground him.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## CinnamonSugar

I turned on the over head fan in my room before making the bed.
I fluffed the fitted sheet too high
The sheet hit the fan


----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonDouglas

The adjective for metal is metallic, but no so for iron, which is ironic.


----------



## JonDouglas

Want to hear a joke about sodium?

Na


----------



## Pappy

WOW....I saw a kidnapping today.....

But I decided to let him sleep.


----------



## JonDouglas

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii, or just a low Ha?


----------



## Pappy

I started on a shoestring:
Worked my way up...until I got my face slapped..


----------



## JonDouglas

Yesterday, I spotted an albino dalmatian.

It was the least I could do for it.


----------



## JonDouglas

Deleted, posted previously


----------



## Jules

Pros and Cons of making food:
  Pros - Food
  Cons - Making

(I really considered ordering out tonight.)


----------



## Pappy




----------



## JonDouglas

I was happily watching The Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra last night, when suddenly, the guy on the triangle disappeared!


----------



## JonDouglas

Why do the Norwegians put barcodes on their military ships?

So when they return from deployment they can Scandinavian


----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## JonDouglas

Broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a husband decided to take out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then have her killed. He contacted a figure named “Artie.” Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000 and he needed a deposit. The man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and agreed to accept the dollar as a down payment for the deed. 

Artie followed the man’s wife to Costco. He surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her. The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager too. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the security cameras and observed by the security guard, who called the police. Artie was caught and arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline read, “ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 At Costco.”


----------



## JonDouglas

A horse walks into the pub and orders a pint.  The publican says, "You're in here quite a lot lately, do you think ya might be an alcoholic?"  

The horse says, "I don't think I am" and then vanishes from existence.  

You see, this joke is about Rene Descartes famous philosophy _I think, therefore I am_, but to explain that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.


----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## JonDouglas

Aunt Bea said:


>


Being someone who grew up loving beans cooked with a ham hock, I didn't groan as much as I would have otherwise.   

I should have skipped this video, and just gone out, gotten a ham hock at the store and cooked it up with the Ham Beens in the pantry.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH, the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and.......

The coffin stops*


----------



## Keesha

That’s a good groan Sassycakes


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Furryanimal

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.​Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is!"


----------



## RadishRose

If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.

       He’s standing right behind you.


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## JonDouglas

A few puns make me numb.

But math puns make me number!


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## JonDouglas

Just so you know, a pun has not completely matured until it's full groan.


----------



## JonDouglas

When an eel lunges out, and he bites off your snout, that's a moray!


----------



## Ken N Tx

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## JonDouglas

The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo.  That is Cole’s Law.


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Pappy

Maybe that’s why I couldn’t sit still in school..


----------



## Marie5656

**


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Chris P Bacon

Where do bad rainbows go?

Prism.

But it's a light sentence.


----------



## Murrmurr

Two groaners from my granddaughter, Ariel, today:

Irony; the opposite of wrinkly.

The chain on my mood swing just snapped. I suggest you run.


----------



## Murrmurr

Another from 11yr-old Ariel - Grampa, is it already August or are-July-ing to me?


----------



## JonDouglas

Me:  What do you do for a living?

Him:  I am a spy.

Me:  Why are you dressed like a shepherd?

Him:  I am a shepherd spy.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## dobielvr

Pappy said:


> View attachment 180603


Me too...


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Granny B.




----------



## Pappy

I'm sure this will shock some of you, but thought I would let you all know, that yesterday I volunteered for the vaccine trials for Covid-19, held here in Orlando! 

The vaccine is one that was created in Russia.

I received my first shot yesterday at 4:00 pm, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.


----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## RadishRose

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## Aunt Bea




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------

