# The Trip So Far



## Sandie (Oct 20, 2015)

First time writing in an online diary. I have a few reservations. Who knows maybe someone will find out about the " real " me. It is actually quite a comfort to try and type some of my life story, trials and triumphs, here on the screen. I almost feel like a scriptwriter. There are so many stories to tell. At least there were at one time. Sad to say, I feel like my life ended almost thirty years ago. That's when adventures ended and responsibilities began. I do not regret my roles, as Mother, Father and Breadwinner, but I regret that I let those things become detrimental to who I was as an artist and an individual. I became so focused on surviving day to day that I forgot all about reaching for the unattainable, remembering the sublime. I want to be able to take my remaining years and live them like I was eighteen again. I want to be surprised, amazed, and totally enraptured with life. I need suggestions on how to become that person again.


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## Shalimar (Oct 21, 2015)

Sandi, for me it took time to learn to reinvent myself. Step by step, I began to let go of the discipline that had been a necessary survival tool for decades. Now I give myself permission to be selfish, finally it is my turn! Scary and exillarating at the same time. For example, currently I am teaching a class at our local campus, surrounded by the energy and hope of young minds. It is fun! Young people bring a different perspective, and enrich my life. I am embracing spontaneity, through exploring new things...what are you interests that you might explore, creative, emotional, spiritual, or academic?


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## Sandie (Oct 21, 2015)

I hope this doesn't sound desperate, but I am so excited that you responded to my post. This is like three times (sorry a little California sneaking in there) and I never expected any continued response. My interests, when I actually think about them, revolve around my love of art. I'm a creative visual artist (or was) and also an art historian. In graduate school I specialized in Medieval art and architecture and in the Blue Rider School and Wassily Kandinski. I'm more of a technician as an artist. I love pen and ink and LINE. Not very comfortable with color though I would like to be. Everyone told me I should teach. But I always thought that as an artist that was admitting defeat. "Those who can't teach." Academically I'm a great student; one of those you either love to hate or cheat off of. That was my situation throughout school. I guess I just don't feel like I'm "good enough" to proffer any of these things.


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## Shalimar (Oct 21, 2015)

Good enough is a mindset in my opinion, unless one is applying for a position in a think tank. Perhaps I am ignorant around the subtleties, but why not explore both venues, teaching and art? Must it be either or? It seems to me you are certainly qualified to share your knowledge. If face to face is too threatening, why not online?


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## Sandie (Oct 21, 2015)

You know you said in an earlier post that you finally learned how to let go and put yourself first, but I feel like I've done that all my life. I see myself as a very selfish person, no matter what was occurring on the physical plane.


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## Shalimar (Oct 21, 2015)

I don't understand? I thought you spent many decades being parent, breadwinner etc at the expense of your art and personhood, how is that selfish?


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## Sandie (Oct 21, 2015)

Hey, I don't know if you received this reply, but I meant I felt selfish because I did with a less than joyful, giving, heart.


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## Shalimar (Oct 21, 2015)

I see. Hmmm. I don't think I could live up to such high standards. Actions are culpable in my book, feelings not so.


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## rider1046 (Oct 23, 2015)

Sandie said:


> First time writing in an online diary. I have a few reservations. Who knows maybe someone will find out about the " real " me. It is actually quite a comfort to try and type some of my life story, trials and triumphs, here on the screen. I almost feel like a scriptwriter. There are so many stories to tell. At least there were at one time. Sad to say, I feel like my life ended almost thirty years ago. That's when adventures ended and responsibilities began. I do not regret my roles, as Mother, Father and Breadwinner, but I regret that I let those things become detrimental to who I was as an artist and an individual. I became so focused on surviving day to day that I forgot all about reaching for the unattainable, remembering the sublime. I want to be able to take my remaining years and live them like I was eighteen again. I want to be surprised, amazed, and totally enraptured with life. I need suggestions on how to become that person again.



Sandie, you can't be eighteen again but you can be something better. You can be you with all of that experience and life behind you! I am totally enraptured by each day of life I awake to and look forward to many more years of it. If you want to be an artist again, no one is stopping you but you. Nobody can tell you how to do it, it's different for each of us. If you want it, you just have to reach out and take it. It's as simple as that. If you let others dissuade you, it's all on you. Good luck!


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## Sandie (Oct 24, 2015)

Hi Rider. First let me say I noticed in your profile that you love to travel. So do I: almost anywhere for any reason. As long as I don't have to travel the same road twice. Thank you for your response. I didn't mean I really wanted to be 18 again, I barely survived it the first time around. But I guess I would like to have that hunger and sense of knowing I could do anything. Even if that was all hormones and naivety. Sometimes I would just like to forget those lessons that left scars on my soul. I'd like to believe, again, that people are beautiful and kind, that peace is attainable, and that we all have a purpose. I want whatever it is that makes you feel so enamored with life. The trouble with my art is; I am a draftsman. I am an art historian. I despair of ever creating something original. Excuses I know, but it keeps me stuck.


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 24, 2015)

Sandie said:


> Hey, I don't know if you received this reply, but I meant I felt selfish because I did with a less than joyful, giving, heart.



Sandie, please don't dwell on the past, so many precious minutes of your present are wasted that way, and tomorrow they'll be gone.  My advice is to live for today, and look to the future with a positive attitude.  Love yourself, you deserve it, and you'll soar doing anything that pleases you.  Go for it, you were never selfish, put that out of your mind, it only hinders your success.  Hey, life is short....enjoy it to the max. :love_heart:


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## Sandie (Oct 24, 2015)

So positive. I don't know if I can relate.  But for a few moments I can feel my heart soaring!


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## Sandie (Oct 24, 2015)

Hello friends, Just wanted to write a few lines and maybe make the likelihood of sleep be a little more of a reality. I have spent part of the week with my friend (shopping and such) Part of the week making Halloween cupcakes with my grandchildren. Part of the week being a cat taxi for a local shelter and finally attending my granddaughter's soccer game. Throw in a therapist appointment and a visit to the SSA and that was my week. Right now I am feeling pretty low. I look back at this week and don't see a task or part in which I could not easily have been replaced. Sorry to drag anyone down. Given time , i'll rally.


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 24, 2015)

That's great that you made cupcakes with the grandkids Sandie, and very kind of you to devote your time with the cats at the shelter.  Hope your granddaughter had fun at the game.

  Nobody can replace you with your grandkids, you're lucky to have them, I have no children so don't have the joys of a grandchild around in my old age.

  Your ferrying the kitties around was very important, you shouldn't even think that someone else could have done it, of course they could....but you cared enough to do it yourself and I'm sure it was appreciated by the furbabies and the folks at the shelter.  Sorry you're feeling low, but for the life of me, I can't imagine why.


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## Sandie (Oct 24, 2015)

Seabreexe, I don't know how to explain to you the emptiness I feel even while participating in these wonderful activities. I wish I could just hand my grandchildren over to someone who could derive the joy that should be a part of all those interactions. I'm not dead to them; they are just not something I can truly feel. I love my grandchildren but I am not a stereotypical grandmother. My daughter-in-laws mother fulfills that role. She loves them unconditionally. She dotes and praises. I am not that person. I am more concerned that they find ways to explore the world and stretch who they are. I guess we try to send our grandchildren off to discover what we did not. I hope their future is limitless.


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## Shalimar (Oct 24, 2015)

Sandie, first of all big hugs. Your reactions are perfectly normal for a person grappling with depression. This insidious illness robs us of the ability to freely express positive emotion. It is impossible to love and nurture others when our heart and life feels empty. Piece by piece, purpose and self esteem wither away, convincing a person that they and their existence is meaningless. 

IT IS A LIE! That is the illness talking. Therapy is wonderful, but if the hole is too deep, often medication is a godsend. No one deserves to suffer needlessly. You cannot drink joy out of an empty well. I have been where you are. There is a way out of the pit.


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 25, 2015)

Sandie said:


> Seabreexe, I don't know how to explain to you the emptiness I feel even while participating in these wonderful activities.



Sandie, I'm sorry that you feel such emptiness, and as I read your thoughts, I understand a bit more about your feelings.  My heart goes out to you, and I'm so glad you're talking about it with people who care....hugs. :girl_hug:



Shalimar said:


> Your reactions are perfectly normal for a person grappling with depression. This insidious illness robs us of the ability to freely express positive emotion. It is impossible to love and nurture others when our heart and life feels empty. Piece by piece, purpose and self esteem wither away, convincing a person that they and their existence is meaningless.
> 
> IT IS A LIE! That is the illness talking. Therapy is wonderful, but if the hole is too deep, often medication is a godsend. No one deserves to suffer needlessly. You cannot drink joy out of an empty well. I have been where you are. There is a way out of the pit.



Shalimar, wise words there from someone who knows firsthand. :sentimental:


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## Shalimar (Oct 25, 2015)

Thank you SB.


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## fureverywhere (Oct 25, 2015)

Sandy feel free to private message me. I have been on the edge and it's a horrendous place. But with the right support team and possibly meds you can find you a new life. Believe me on that really darlin'<<<hugs>>>.


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## Pookie (Oct 26, 2015)

I do understand depression, Sandie; depression took my first hubby away from me. 

Feel free to PM me as well, honey. May I ask if you're under the care of a doctor who can help you professionally? I think you are very smart, sweet, and strong. You're very precious, and just hang on to us when you need. We're here, dear.


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## Ameriscot (Oct 26, 2015)

Sandie, I've been where you are as well.  And it is possible to get out from under the crushing weight of depression. I did.


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## Sandie (Oct 28, 2015)

Not the best of times for yours truly. How can I say this in a non threatening way...I don't want to be here anymore. I can blot out my awareness with drugs, alcohol, and sharp implements, at least for a time, but life always comes back. Probably the wrong forum to air this kind of thing. If so, I guess someone will kick me out. Any reasons for hope would be appreciated, please go deeper and think of something beyond my family, or my "contribution" to society. Tell me why you think any life is worth living.


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## Shalimar (Oct 28, 2015)

Wow. How painful for you, sweetie. At this point, I am not certain that any words no matter how heartfelt, might not sound trite or plastic--such is the filtre of profound despair. I shall try reaching out with love  instead of attempting any magical "wisdom." You matter, your life matters. You have a universal right to contentment. You are a person not a hopeless case. 

There are steps out of hell, painful but worthwhile! Fight because you deserve to be here! I am not the only person here who will help. Please do not give up, if you cannot bear the weight of it, I will hold your hope for you until you are strong enough to carry it yourself. If I can survive and flourish, SO CAN YOU!  Pain need not be permanent...


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 28, 2015)

Sandie said:


> Not the best of times for yours truly. How can I say this in a non threatening way...I don't want to be here anymore. I can blot out my awareness with drugs, alcohol, and sharp implements, at least for a time, but life always comes back.  Any reasons for hope would be appreciated, please go deeper and think of something beyond my family, or my "contribution" to society. Tell me why you think any life is worth living.



Sandie, I can't claim to know the pain that you're feeling, but I can only share my thoughts and observations, simple as they may be.  You are a beautiful woman with a good heart, and you already have friends here who really care about you and want you to get through this.  I think life is worth living when I get away from the city and look up into the heavens at night, and see the incredible beauty that surrounds me.  You deserve to get past all you're going through and soak in all the good things this life has to offer.  We're here for you my friend...sending you warm wishes and love.


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## Shalimar (Oct 28, 2015)

Beautiful sentiments SB. Leonard Cohen suffered from depression most of his life. He states he feels much better in his old age. Funnily enough, I have had clients who also stated their depression waned as they got older. How wonderful that would be.


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