# Accept the gift, or not? For the ladies



## Denise1952 (Sep 22, 2015)

but if you guys want to tell me if you've ever done something like this, and maybe even "what were your motives"?

Ok, I'm dating a guy, way nice, very comfy person, boocoo (lots) in common.  But as I have learned in my 62 years, it takes "years" to truly know someone.  And I admit I am on the lookout for red flags.  I've been on my own for 18 years, and wasn't looking for anyone, but I was open to it.  So we met, we enjoy eachothers company, and nothing pushy going on at all.

So the other day/evening, he picked me up for dinner and a walk at sunset as he knows I like to take photos, and have yet to catch any good ones here in Eureka.

I was nervous, and put on a blouse I haven't worn much, and I was "set" on wearing it (stubborn).  It was the teeniest bit tight, so I could place a tiny pin and fix it.  But, no, dang pin in this whole house!  He is so compfy to be around, as I said, so I asked him if we could stop at the Dollar Tree so I could get some safety pins because I WANTED to wear that blouse, LOL!  I know, I know  He said sure, and so we did

Today we met up, and he handed me a letter.  I thought it was cool he wrote me a real letter but when I got home and read it, he had written that he felt bad I had to worry about a blouse, and he wanted me to have something new, and that fit.  It was a gift card to Kohls.  He wrote they are having a good sale.  Anyway,  I just don't know, what do you guys think?  We've been pretty inseparable since we met, and he is a widower 3.5 years.  I feel he is honest, and I think maybe the "caretaker" type.  I've never had that, and I am VERY independent, although, I think it is supposed to be give and take and I've been really wanting to do some things for him like make him dinner.  He has a life, retired Navy, works out and walks (how we met) has his own place, doesn't seem needy or desperate at all, and I'm not either.  I want my own place and he already has his.

We both want to share our life with someone though.  I just worry about my "picker", and I admit I am even worried a little about his

Ok, I'll give you a chance to help me out here if you will.  I will be open-minded, and appreciate anything you might want to say. denise


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## Warrigal (Sep 22, 2015)

I think it was a kindly gesture in that it was a response to your apparent need. This is a lot different to him buying something for you to wear that would be some kind of indication of ownership of you. He's allowed you to have the pleasure of choosing something yourself and I think it is very sweet. Just be sure to tell him that while you appreciate the gift, he is not to keep doing things like this or you will be very embarrassed.

He might just be a keeper.


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## Shalimar (Sep 22, 2015)

What a lovely thoughtful thing for him to do Denise. Sure you can inform him that you would not want him to do this on a regular basis, but I would accept the gift with a smile!


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## Denise1952 (Sep 22, 2015)

Dame Warrigal said:


> I think it was a kindly gesture in that it was a response to your apparent need. This is a lot different to him buying something for you to wear that would be some kind of indication of ownership of you. He's allowed you to have the pleasure of choosing something yourself and I think it is very sweet. Just be sure to tell him that while you appreciate the gift, he is not to keep doing things like this or you will be very embarrassed.
> 
> He might just be a keeper.



Thanks Dame  Funny, I think you and I think alike for sure, on many things.  But I told him that I just wanted to thank him first of all, and just so he doesn't do it again, until Christmas, LOL!!  I also told him that I DID have plenty of clothing, and that I was just being stubborn about wearing that blouse, LOL

You have such a good point, I didn't think of it at all, so thank you Dame


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## fureverywhere (Sep 22, 2015)

Um, at least Macys? But Yeah I'm good with gift cards...Barnes and Noble, more about books than clothes.


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## Denise1952 (Sep 22, 2015)

fureverywhere said:


> Um, at least Macys? But Yeah I'm good with gift cards...Barnes and Noble, more about books than clothes.



Nice fur  I use B&N all the time with my Nook Reader  I was just talking to Bruce on the phone about how I love to read at night to help me fall asleep.  I also love how I can check out books from the library, right onto my Nook


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## fureverywhere (Sep 22, 2015)

Yeah, my hubby has probably never read a book cover to cover and I have at least 60 on my wish list, a gift card is far easier.


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## Denise1952 (Sep 22, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> What a lovely thoughtful thing for him to do Denise. Sure you can inform him that you would not want him to do this on a regular basis, but I would accept the gift with a smile!



Thanks Shalimar, I think he must have a huge heart  I feel we are going to be good friends for sure  He is anxious to taste my cooking, lol  He is using the microwave so he really doesn't cook


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## SeaBreeze (Sep 22, 2015)

I'm so happy for you Denise, I would definitely accept the gift from him, I think it was very thoughtful.  Hope you two click and have a wonderful relationship together, you deserve it dear lady.


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## applecruncher (Sep 22, 2015)

I think it was a nice gesture, Denise. Continue to enjoy getting to know each other and having a good time. I admire your independence and I know what you mean by wanting your own place. Some women would just be looking for a guy to take them in and take care of them and that comes with so many strings.


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## Lon (Sep 22, 2015)

His gift seems fine to me and was a nice gesture. Question? How old is he and what were the circumstances of his first wife's death & how long was he married? Does he have children? Take it slow and easy, no need to rush into anything.


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## AZ Jim (Sep 22, 2015)

If you are comfortable with him accept his gift graciously.  It hardly obligates you.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Sep 22, 2015)

So THAT`S where you`ve been!!!!!! That thought never even crossed my mind-only because it seemed so far off YOUR radar lol! I kept thinking "Where`s Denise? What`s she up to?" I have been crazy busy-mostly letting them "put me under" (3rd time this month today) so trying to get important stuff done when I have the chance. But whoa-a boyfriend?!? You go,girlfriend!!


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## SifuPhil (Sep 23, 2015)

This probably won't make you happy Denise but in my far past, when I was still allowed to have contact with human females, I bought many pieces of clothing for them early on in our relationships. Although gift cards were not as much of a "thing" back then - I could have given them cash but that totally would have been wrong - I don't believe I would have given them one had they been available.

Why not?

To me (again, consider the source) it just seems too - easy. When I bought clothing I spent a long time determining the lady's size, style and color preference, then making the rounds of Macy's, Lord & Taylor, Ann Taylor, etc. to find that perfect item. Gift wrap it myself, even though it usually ended up looking like it had been run over by a garbage truck on 5th Avenue - 

... all because I thought it was the personal touch. 

I know things are different nowadays and a lot has changed with the dynamic between men and women as well as in society as a whole. Maybe I'm just hopelessly old-fashioned and romantic, but to me a gift card is sort of like "H_ey, I saw one of these checking out of B&N the other day and figured I might have a use for it._"

I hope I'm wrong - I probably am.


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## Warrigal (Sep 23, 2015)

Phil, I think you are wide of the mark in the circumstance of the problematic blouse. 
That's why Denise asked the ladies what we think.


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## SifuPhil (Sep 23, 2015)

Dame Warrigal said:


> Phil, I think you are wide of the mark in the circumstance of the problematic blouse.
> That's why Denise asked the ladies what we think.



Am I? Really? I thought my reply was quite germane to the topic ...

I guess that's why I'm only a stupid guy.


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## Warrigal (Sep 23, 2015)

From the female perspective there is a very fine line between sweet and creepy. In this case, I think it is on the right side of the line. Too much attention to "the lady's size, style and color preference" in the very early stages can have the effect of causing unease. Later it is a welcome sign of serious interest.


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## SifuPhil (Sep 23, 2015)

... and too little attention is equally creepy, as it denotes only a desire to get into their good graces (read - pants) in the fastest, easiest way possible.

I agree that a perfect balance needs to be struck but in her case I don't believe it has been. 

Sorry - she asked for the male perspective / experience and I gave mine.


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## Warrigal (Sep 23, 2015)

Fair enough. I missed the bit about asking for the male perspective.


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## SifuPhil (Sep 23, 2015)

Dame Warrigal said:


> Fair enough. I missed the bit about asking for the male perspective.



Typical woman. :tongue:

Sorry - couldn't resist. :cower:

I don't know ... it just seems ... too little. Like throwing a bare bone to a dog. Like grabbing last weeks leftovers to bring to the party. I understand there may be a kinder, gentler motivation involved here - I'm just not seeing it, perhaps - but to me, an old-world type in many ways, putting at least a little more effort into saying "Hey, I care about you" seems appropriate.


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## Warrigal (Sep 23, 2015)

:hit: Now you've done it with the typical woman jibe.

I was letting you off lightly because Denise doesn't seem to have asked for the male perspective at all.


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## Underock1 (Sep 23, 2015)

I know this guy. He put my socks on this morning. I think his motives were the best, but I know even though I do that stuff, I hate having people give _me _gifts. He sounds like a carer who really wants someone to care for. There is good and bad that goes with that. From your posts, I get that you understand that. I think he has serious intent, so think carefully, whether you want to continue on. Sorry to jump in ladies. Denise did throw out the invitation to the guys. Maybe I'm totally wrong, but I recognize the signs.


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## SifuPhil (Sep 23, 2015)

Dame Warrigal said:


> :hit: Now you've done it with the typical woman jibe.



If I send you a gift card will you stop being mad at me? 



> I was letting you off lightly because Denise doesn't seem to have asked for the male perspective at all.



And yet, from the opening line of the OP ...



> [h=2]Accept the gift, or not? For the ladies[/h] 		 				 					 					 				 				 		 			 				 					but if you guys want to tell me if you've ever done something like this, and maybe even "what were your motives"?



Are we becoming sexist here, only accepting the female input? I certainly hope not ... especially not when it seems that male commenting is enabled by this first line.


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## Warrigal (Sep 23, 2015)

Me culpa maxima.


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## SifuPhil (Sep 23, 2015)

Dame Warrigal said:


> Me culpa maxima.



Go forth and sin no more, m'Lady.


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## Underock1 (Sep 23, 2015)

As to what to do. How about "Thank you very much. That was very thoughtful of you. Why don't you let me take you out to dinner. My treat." ?


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## Cookie (Sep 23, 2015)

Denise I'm so happy for you that you've found some companionship and romance. It sounds like he's a very generous and thoughtful person and sweet of him to offer the gift card. I'd go with my level of comfort based on the value of the card and how long I've known a person. Maybe reciprocating with dinner out might be too costly, but cooking a meal for him or doing something else sometime in the future might even things out.


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## Denise1952 (Sep 23, 2015)

SeaBreeze said:


> I'm so happy for you Denise, I would definitely accept the gift from him, I think it was very thoughtful.  Hope you two click and have a wonderful relationship together, you deserve it dear lady.



I sure don't know about deserving, but thank you Seabreeze  It's been my experience that many "single" men my age are either interested in much, younger women, or, they are not gentlemen in the true sense.  I know he has his faults as do I, but if they are not glaring to one another, maybe we can find our way together.  It is awful to have to "walk" alone (no mate).  I just never believed we were meant to do that.  I do want someone to care for, and care about rather then me, myself, and I. huge hugs, denise


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## Shirley (Sep 23, 2015)

I would accept it with a simple "Thank you."  

Enjoy his company but only give him what you are able to freely give.  If it works out, wonderful. If it doesn't, you won't have any regrets.


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## Shalimar (Sep 23, 2015)

I am so happy for you Denise. All the best, and do keep us informed!


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## Denise1952 (Sep 23, 2015)

Lon said:


> His gift seems fine to me and was a nice gesture. Question? How old is he and what were the circumstances of his first wife's death & how long was he married? Does he have children? Take it slow and easy, no need to rush into anything.



Wow, that's more then one question Lon, but I already asked them, or we just have shared a lot of info with each other He is 64, she had a died after a long-term illness, and they were married since 85.  No children.  I can't promise on any "term" of dating, or even if I'll continue to date him.  I'm just going with it, and for now, he is very, good company.  Very comfortable to be around  He has his own things/schedule, as do I but we get together when it is convenient for both of us. denise


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## Denise1952 (Sep 23, 2015)

I appreciate everyone's input, so much, wow, I'm a little overwhelmed so I will just answer, to all those who have posted, here

Every post reminds me of the things that need to be aware of.  Not paranoid, or on the instant negative.  I do find myself being both of those with men.  I won't even give them a chance.  But I think it has been good for me to learn and grow on my own.  No mistakes, just learning, and hopefully applying that "education"

I know him the best of all of us, and I believe that his intention/motive was simple, and caring.  More will be revealed, and I will keep you guys up to date (haha, pun) because I consider you friends, and respect ALL the input

I also wanted to commend both Dame and Phil on their "adult like" debate, LOL!  It truly was very refreshing to see you two discuss their different opinions without slipping each other any "poison mushroom soup" LOL, love and hugs, denise


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## Denise1952 (Sep 23, 2015)

Mrs. Robinson said:


> So THAT`S where you`ve been!!!!!! That thought never even crossed my mind-only because it seemed so far off YOUR radar lol! I kept thinking "Where`s Denise? What`s she up to?" I have been crazy busy-mostly letting them "put me under" (3rd time this month today) so trying to get important stuff done when I have the chance. But whoa-a boyfriend?!? You go,girlfriend!!



People have always said, you'll meet someone when you are NOT looking, LOL!  It happened just that way  I am sorry to hear of all the medical goings-on, but it's good they are being thorough, hang in there buddy denise


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## Denise1952 (Sep 23, 2015)

SifuPhil said:


> This probably won't make you happy Denise but in my far past, when I was still allowed to have contact with human females, I bought many pieces of clothing for them early on in our relationships. Although gift cards were not as much of a "thing" back then - I could have given them cash but that totally would have been wrong - I don't believe I would have given them one had they been available.
> 
> Why not?
> 
> ...



I always appreciate your input Phil  It didn't make me unhappy at all, I would not ask on this forum if I didn't expect to get different views then my own  I learn from others off-line and on hugs my friend, denise


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## Denise1952 (Sep 23, 2015)

Cookie said:


> Denise I'm so happy for you that you've found some companionship and romance. It sounds like he's a very generous and thoughtful person and sweet of him to offer the gift card. I'd go with my level of comfort based on the value of the card and how long I've known a person. Maybe reciprocating with dinner out might be too costly, but cooking a meal for him or doing something else sometime in the future might even things out.



He uses the microwave, and I had already (before the gift) asked if he might like me to cook a dinner for us sometime  He said he would enjoy that so much  He took me to dinner the other night, and it was so hard for me to just say thank you because I don't go out to restaurants, and this one was especially high, imo.  Marie Callendars.  My meatloaf alone was 15 bucks.  But I did ask if we should maybe split the bill, go dutch, but he said no, that he wanted to pay so I just let him.  Somehow he does these things without "trying to impress" but just because he is a gentleman from the old school.  hugs cookie, denise


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## AprilT (Sep 23, 2015)

Accept it gracefully and feel no obligation to other than that which with comes from friendship and a feeling of wanting to reciprocate maybe in fixing a dinner within your budget or something of the sort.  Sounds like a sweet gesture on his part.  Don't pain yourself by overthinking the matter.  But, I do understand your reservations, enjoy this new relationship at your own pace, sounds like you are having fun.  Don't stress yourself girlfriend .


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## Denise1952 (Sep 23, 2015)

AprilT said:


> Accept it gracefully and feel no obligation to other than that which with comes from friendship and a feeling of wanting to reciprocate maybe in fixing a dinner within your budget or something of the sort.  Sounds like a sweet gesture on his part.  Don't pain yourself by overthinking the matter.  But, I do understand your reservations, enjoy this new relationship at your own pace, sounds like you are having fun.  Don't stress yourself girlfriend .



Oh you hit it on the head April, do NOT overthink it My mo, LOL!!  Thank you so much  I feel we are going at a good pace, he and I, but I admit it was a surprise, but I didn't feel it was wrong in any way, until I started to "over-think" it, LOL hugs, denise


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## fureverywhere (Sep 23, 2015)

It sounds like you have found a perfect old school gentleman. One thing to share about gifts. My best buddy has always been super creative with presents. One of his specialties is finding a special handbag or backpack or sectioned box and tucking something wonderful in each pocket. So there might be a book here, a bracelet there, a gift card, perfume in the middle, complete with a card and confetti.


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## Denise1952 (Sep 23, 2015)

fureverywhere said:


> It sounds like you have found a perfect old school gentleman. One thing to share about gifts. My best buddy has always been super creative with presents. One of his specialties is finding a special handbag or backpack or sectioned box and tucking something wonderful in each pocket. So there might be a book here, a bracelet there, a gift card, perfume in the middle, complete with a card and confetti.



Oh, idea!! We should start (how about you start it fur)a thread on either gifts we've given or received that were well, thought out, or that's how we felt ty Fur, denise


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## SifuPhil (Sep 23, 2015)

nwlady said:


> ... I also wanted to commend both Dame and Phil on their "adult like" debate, LOL!  It truly was very refreshing to see you two discuss their different opinions without slipping each other any "poison mushroom soup" ...



I enjoyed it as well, mainly because I was right and she was wrong! :flamewar:



nwlady said:


> I always appreciate your input Phil  It didn't make me unhappy at all, I would not ask on this forum if I didn't expect to get different views then my own  I learn from others off-line and on



Thank you, Denise - I knew you wouldn't be offended by my form of insanity. 



fureverywhere said:


> It sounds like you have found a perfect old school gentleman. One thing to share about gifts. My best buddy has always been super creative with presents. One of his specialties is finding a special handbag or backpack or sectioned box and tucking something wonderful in each pocket. So there might be a book here, a bracelet there, a gift card, perfume in the middle, complete with a card and confetti.



/\/\/\ This! :encouragement: Creativity is everything.

I was once going with a 30-year-old lady when I was 22 and her birthday came around. I gave her a red wheelchair festooned with balloons and a box of Depends.

We broke up that day for some reason or another, but in my heart I knew I had gifted her with a _very_ creative present! :upset:


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## Linda (Sep 23, 2015)

nwlady said:


> but if you guys want to tell me if you've ever done something like this, and maybe even "what were your motives"?
> 
> Ok, I'm dating a guy, way nice, very comfy person, boocoo (lots) in common.  But as I have learned in my 62 years, it takes "years" to truly know someone.  And I admit I am on the lookout for red flags.  I've been on my own for 18 years, and wasn't looking for anyone, but I was open to it.  So we met, we enjoy eachothers company, and nothing pushy going on at all.
> 
> ...



Denise I think you should keep the gift card but I don't like what he wrote in the note although I'd forgive him for it as his heart was in the right place it sounds like.  If someone gives me a gift I want it to be for some reason other than they think I wear cloths that are held together by a safety pin.  I keep thinking about the pin but I guess no one else did so maybe I'm just weird.  I'm wondering why you were stubborn and had to wear the blouse if it didn't fit right?  I'm wondering where you put the pin and why did you need it? If you are going to have to pin it every time you wear it shouldn't you just give it to someone it fits?  I might be overthinking the pin as I think you are overthinking your relationship with this man.  Don't worry about it and just see where it goes.  He sounds like a nice guy and as long as he gives you your independence, which you said is important to you, then you should be fine dating him.  I think someone said you should tell him no more gifts till Christmas.  If he is the sort of man who likes to give gifts I'd let him keep doing it.  Some people aren't happy unless they are giving things to those they care about.  Also I think it was very nice of him to give you a gift card and NOT a blouse.  Buying a lady a garment has no place in a new relationship, except for maybe a hat or a scarf. (If you need anymore dating advise ask me as I haven't dated in over 50 years so naturally I'm an expert


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## AprilSun (Sep 23, 2015)

I would take the gift card and use it. Some guys are more "givers" than others and this could have been just an innocent way of wanting to do something for you. He could have been wanting to do something for you but didn't know what for some time and he saw this as an opportunity and took it. It sounds like he just wanted to show you he cares. Take it and enjoy it!!!!


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## fishfulthinking (Sep 23, 2015)

He sounds like a lovely man.  I would accept the gift.  If you were to turn the tables, how would you feel if your genuine gift was refused.
It is so sad that society has turned us all into such skeptics when it comes to acts of kindness.

Just my humble opinion


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## SifuPhil (Sep 23, 2015)

fishfulthinking said:


> He sounds like a lovely man.  I would accept the gift.  If you were to turn the tables, how would you feel if your genuine gift was refused.
> It is so sad that society has turned us all into such skeptics when it comes to acts of kindness.
> 
> Just my humble opinion



Skepticism often arises from experience ... just like cynicism. :crushed:

If all we experienced were altruistic actions then yes, we could relax.


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## Cookie (Sep 23, 2015)

He sounds like a real gentleman.  Since you were having a little wardrobe malfunction that he became privy to, he really had no choice but to help, safety pins wouldn't cut it, neither would a new blouse, so it had to be a gift card. You have to accept and next time, remember to keep it to yourself, or there will be another gift. 

Years ago, I was going with a guy and mentioned I needed a coffee grinder. What do you know, but next time he shows up with a coffee grinder.  I had it for years and even long after the relationship ended, I always felt a bit weird about that coffee grinder.


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## Warrigal (Sep 23, 2015)

> I enjoyed it as well, mainly because I was right and she was wrong! :flamewar:



And I am happy to admit my mistake 
As to a flame war, remember that the Ents are slow to rouse, but when they do go to war you should be very afraid.


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## Shalimar (Sep 23, 2015)

Oh no, not the wrath of the Ents, save us!


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## jujube (Sep 23, 2015)

Denise, he sounds like a kind, thoughtful man.   If you don't want him, send him my way - (just kidding....)


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## SifuPhil (Sep 23, 2015)

Dame Warrigal said:


> And I am happy to admit my mistake
> As to a flame war, remember that the Ents are slow to rouse, but when they do go to war you should be very afraid.





Shalimar said:


> Oh no, not the wrath of the Ents, save us!



I have to admit that I'm not much of a Tolkien scholar anymore but I DO remember how terrified I was when I first read of them.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'd rather you threw me to the Orcs!


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## Shalimar (Sep 23, 2015)

Hmmm. Phil, I am bemused. All this time I thought you WERE an Orc. Sigh, just another pigment of my hallucination. So many flashbacks, so little time......lol.


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## Denise1952 (Sep 23, 2015)

SifuPhil said:


> I enjoyed it as well, mainly because I was right and she was wrong! :flamewar:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Hey, I wished I'd had those Depends when I read this and pmp laughing:wink:


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## SifuPhil (Sep 23, 2015)

nwlady said:


> Hey, I wished I'd had those Depends when I read this and pmp laughing:wink:



Try living in _my_ head for a while - you'll need them as well, even when you're just sitting quietly in a chair. 



Shalimar said:


> Hmmm. Phil, I am bemused. All this time I thought you WERE an Orc. Sigh, just another pigment of my hallucination. So many flashbacks, so little time......lol.



Tolkien himself once described the Orcs ...



> ...they are (or were) squat, broad, flat-nosed, sallow-skinned, with  wide mouths and slant eyes; in fact degraded and repulsive versions of  the (to Europeans) least lovely Mongol-types.



I can see how you are confused.


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## Denise1952 (Sep 23, 2015)

We had another date today, went to Costco for a hotdog at lunch, then out to the ghost town of Falk, walked 4 miles, came back, cooked him dinner (he ate the WHOLE thing, lol) and then I was pooped and he brought me home  By the way, when he picked me up, he brought me a single, red rose 

I will get the pictures up tomorrow.  I only got a few, as my main camera doesn't have batteries right now, so the smart-phone was what I had


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## Shalimar (Sep 23, 2015)

Oooh, that is romantic, Denise!


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## Shalimar (Sep 23, 2015)

One thing about you Phil. You can always be counted on to lower the tone of any conversation. That is a gift in itself. Lol. Sorry Denise, don't mean to hijack your thread. It is just sooo easy to torment Phil The Dimestore Devil...giggle.


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## Denise1952 (Sep 23, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> One thing about you Phil. You can always be counted on to lower the tone of any conversation. That is a gift in itself. Lol. Sorry Denise, don't mean to hijack your thread. It is just sooo easy to torment Phil The Dimestore Devil...giggle.



I love hi-jackings, the make some of the best threads, lol


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## Denise1952 (Sep 23, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Oooh, that is romantic, Denise!



I hadn't gotten a flower, or flowers from anyone for yeeeeeeeeeears, LOL!  He's thoughtful without being "smothering" so far  I admit I love coming home to my, little space.  I will put some photos up tomorrow I took, and he said I could put one of him up if I wanted to.  I told him I would not do that without his permission, but he said if I wanted to ok  I also got a pic of a yellow catapillar, and............and yellow slug!!  I think the one of Bruce looks best though  :lofl:He also has a good sense of humor, he'd have to to want to keep dating me, LOL!!


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## Linda (Sep 23, 2015)

Denise, he sounds like a keeper!


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## SeaBreeze (Sep 23, 2015)

Lovely Denise, sounds like a very nice fella.


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## SifuPhil (Sep 23, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> One thing about you Phil. You can always be counted on to lower the tone of any conversation. That is a gift in itself. Lol. Sorry Denise, don't mean to hijack your thread. It is just sooo easy to torment Phil The Dimestore Devil...giggle.



As the great Hunter S. Thompson once said, 



> The Edge... there is no honest way to  explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the  ones who have gone over.


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## Shalimar (Sep 24, 2015)

Phil, you give me the feels. I can so sense the fear and loathing in that last post. Sigh.


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## SifuPhil (Sep 24, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Phil, you give me the feels. I can so sense the fear and loathing in that last post. Sigh.



Well, I suppose it's just sort of a rum diary of mine ...


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## Denise1952 (Sep 27, 2015)

I need to let you all know that I had to break it off with Bruce.  To put it simply, I began to see a real need in his life for happiness.  I mean he was not happy with himself, most of all  I talked to him each time we were together, just to share some things in my life that helped me to become "more" happy in my own skin.  I know I am not perfect, and I hope no one, including Bruce would see me as thinking so.

I think that for me, I felt too much like he might be depending on me for his happiness.  I know that is a red-flag for me.  Maybe others see differently.  Happiness may not be the exact term, but insecurity in a person gives me a red-flag.  I began to feel stressed, like an unhealthy dependency on me.  Things started becoming "whatever you want to do, or eat Denise" and hey, I just like someone to be sort of an equal in those decisions.

Ok, I'm sure most of you will get this, understand it, maybe not agree, but I have felt yet another load of rocks have been dropped.  I love my life, I am not always happy with each thing that happens along the way, but I always end up grateful for what I have, not wishing and miserable for what I don't, hugs all, denise

PS I did give him back the gift-card.  I kept the Rose  and you ALL had such wonderful replies for me.


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## PurpleHaze (Sep 27, 2015)

Denise, if there is anything I have learned about life it is the fact that happiness cannot be found vicariously through others until and unless we first have happiness of self from within. I learned this much about myself many, many years ago. It was only after I did some very intense soul searching that I realized I was so very unhappy with myself that I would end up making myself more miserable in the long run in the search for someone or something to make me happy. I also had the flipside of that happen to me a time or two wherein the other party was seeking their happiness from me. As far as I go personally, I feel that it is downright selfish of me to attempt to suck the happiness out of anyone, or them to do so from me. It can be most draining to have to live up to such a standard in attempting to keep TWO people happy at once. This being said, I can relate to your situation. You did what you had to do and it sounds like it was for the best. I also know that I have to "do me" before I am a beneficial to anyone else. People pleasing to such an extent is just not attractive for either partner once we reach a certain age. I know, it sounds really selfish of me, and this may certainly not be everyone's cuppa, but I just know what I have to do.


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## SifuPhil (Sep 27, 2015)

Sorry things worked out that way, Denise, but it's probably for the best.

As PurpleHaze so aptly put it, you can't depend on others for your happiness. That's why I've learned to tickle myself when no one else is around ...


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## Shalimar (Sep 27, 2015)

Denise, you and Purple Haze sooo get it. We can't fill ourselves from the outside in. Phil can give you the Taoist view on this. It sounds a lot better than my psycho therapissed rant. Lolnthego:


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## SifuPhil (Sep 27, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Denise, you and Purple Haze sooo get it. We can't fill ourselves from the outside in. Phil can give you the Taoist view on this. It sounds a lot better than my psycho therapissed rant. Lolnthego:



Actually they would sound about the same - remember, Jung was a huge fan of Taoism. He once said “It is not I who create myself, rather I happen to myself.”


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## Warrigal (Sep 27, 2015)

The important thing, Denise, is that you are in control and making decisions for yourself.
Be confident that you have made a good decision. Don't look back.


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## Denise1952 (Sep 27, 2015)

PurpleHaze said:


> Denise, if there is anything I have learned about life it is the fact that happiness cannot be found vicariously through others until and unless we first have happiness of self from within. I learned this much about myself many, many years ago. It was only after I did some very intense soul searching that I realized I was so very unhappy with myself that I would end up making myself more miserable in the long run in the search for someone or something to make me happy. I also had the flipside of that happen to me a time or two wherein the other party was seeking their happiness from me. As far as I go personally, I feel that it is downright selfish of me to attempt to suck the happiness out of anyone, or them to do so from me. It can be most draining to have to live up to such a standard in attempting to keep TWO people happy at once. This being said, I can relate to your situation. You did what you had to do and it sounds like it was for the best. I also know that I have to "do me" before I am a beneficial to anyone else. People pleasing to such an extent is just not attractive for either partner once we reach a certain age. I know, it sounds really selfish of me, and this may certainly not be everyone's cuppa, but I just know what I have to do.



I so loved reading this ph You are right on, and I think we may have attended some of the same "schooling" lol!! So happy to meet you, denise


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## Denise1952 (Sep 27, 2015)

SifuPhil said:


> Sorry things worked out that way, Denise, but it's probably for the best.
> 
> As PurpleHaze so aptly put it, you can't depend on others for your happiness. That's why I've learned to tickle myself when no one else is around ...



Thank you Phil, and, um, ok, yes, that's all I can say right now  So I'll just say, here's your sign::fun:


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## Denise1952 (Sep 27, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Denise, you and Purple Haze sooo get it. We can't fill ourselves from the outside in. Phil can give you the Taoist view on this. It sounds a lot better than my psycho therapissed rant. Lolnthego:



Yes, it's very cool to be able to not let outside circumstances delegate inner peace.  I am way not perfect, but progress is good enough for me, without expecting to (or trying to) ever be perfect


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## Denise1952 (Sep 27, 2015)

Warrigal said:


> The important thing, Denise, is that you are in control and making decisions for yourself.
> Be confident that you have made a good decision. Don't look back.



I think so as well Dame I feel sure of it in fact.  I also learned some things which is what dating is really about right??


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## Shirley (Sep 27, 2015)

Good girl!  I knew you would make the right decision.


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## SeaBreeze (Sep 27, 2015)

You made the right decision....hugs.


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## Denise1952 (Sep 27, 2015)

and you never know, he may have been the lucky one, LOL!!  Here I was planning to make my famous "mushroom soup" for him.  My momma before me taught me goooood


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## SeaBreeze (Sep 27, 2015)

Doughnut soup Denise?


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## Linda (Sep 27, 2015)

Denise, you and PurpleHaze are a lot more mature and sensible than I think I would have been.  I am learning a lot on this forum.  I really appreciate how so many of you share your life with us.


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## AZ Jim (Sep 27, 2015)

Good Girl!  You don't need someone else's baggage.  You have a good head on you and your instincts are working.  Good on ya....


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## Denise1952 (Sep 28, 2015)

AZ Jim said:


> Good Girl!  You don't need someone else's baggage.  You have a good head on you and your instincts are working.  Good on ya....



Right you are Jim! I have enough baggage of my own, LOL!! No storage-space left


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