# Friend doesn't respect my anxiety related to highway driving



## Catballou (Dec 31, 2022)

I am 65 and still a competent, confident city driver, but I have never been comfortable driving alone on large, multi-lane highways. When I was younger, I forced myself to do it when necessary for work. I didn't enjoy it all and couldn't wait to return home. When I was in my mid-40s I developed a severe anxiety disorder, which is now mostly controlled by medication, but it my anxiety still rears its ugly head from time to time, depending on the situation.

Over the past 20 years or so, as I've aged, I've developed an actual phobia of driving on highways alone for long periods. I'm anxious that I'll be in an accident or get stranded or have a sudden health issue. I have no problem being a passenger. When I have taken road trips, either my husband or other friends drive.

A few years ago, one of my close friends purchased a lovely beachside cottage that is two hours away. She spends the entire summer there. I've visited several times, but only when another friend drove. She is always bugging me to come alone and stop relying on others to get me there. I've explained several times that even the thought of driving two hours on highways by myself causes anxious thoughts. She has other friends who drive to see her and refuses to understand why I won't. She takes it personally and has accused me of acting like an old woman. I tell her that it's not an "old woman" issue. It's an anxiety issue. But she won't accept that. Frankly, she's being so insensitive that I don't really want to go out my way to see her at all.

My question is: Do any of you have anxiety about highway driving and if so, are your friends supportive if you just can't make yourself do it?

Thanks much!


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## jujube (Dec 31, 2022)

Actually, I have less anxiety on the highways.  I hate "street" driving.


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## Pinky (Dec 31, 2022)

I have highway-related anxiety, due to an accident we were involved in, several years ago. We had come to
a sudden stop behind backed-up traffic. Another car stopped just in time, behind us. As we were sitting in
the car, waiting for traffic to start flowing, a car hit the vehicle behind us, and totaled the back-end of our
car .. also gave the couple behind us, whiplash. The car that hit them was going at least 100 km's, and
couldn't change lanes to avoid the hit.

Ever since, I am very apprehensive, even as a passenger, on the highway .. and, I never drive the hwy. solo.


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## Catballou (Dec 31, 2022)

Pinky said:


> I have highway-related anxiety, due to an accident we were involved in, several years ago. We had come to
> a sudden stop behind backed-up traffic. Another car stopped just in time, behind us. As we were sitting in
> the car, waiting for traffic to start flowing, a car hit the vehicle behind us, and totaled the back-end of our
> car .. also gave the couple behind us, whiplash. The car that hit them was going at least 100 km's, and
> ...


I see you're from Toronto, Pinky. Was your accident on the 401?


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## Bella (Dec 31, 2022)

Cat, I'm sorry you're having difficulty with highway driving. I'm sure you've done your best to overcome it, but wanting to do it doesn't always equate to being able to, even with medication. It seems that your friend wants what she wants without regard to your feelings of anxiety. Instead of being understanding and supportive, she's insulting you and pressuring you to get what she wants. She sounds insensitive, controlling, and self-absorbed.

I don't understand. If you're able to visit her with another friend who drives, why is she insisting that you drive alone to see her? Why do you have to drive alone? And if she wants to see you so badly, why can't she drive to see you?


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## Catballou (Dec 31, 2022)

jujube said:


> Actually, I have less anxiety on the highways.  I hate "street" driving.


Good for you. Wish I were the same.


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## Disgustedman (Dec 31, 2022)

Catballou said:


> I am 65 and still a competent, confident city driver, but I have never been comfortable driving alone on large, multi-lane highways. When I was younger, I forced myself to do it when necessary for work. I didn't enjoy it all and couldn't wait to return home. When I was in my mid-40s I developed a severe anxiety disorder, which is now mostly controlled by medication, but it my anxiety still rears its ugly head from time to time, depending on the situation.
> 
> Over the past 20 years or so, as I've aged, I've developed an actual phobia of driving on highways alone for long periods. I'm anxious that I'll be in an accident or get stranded or have a sudden health issue. I have no problem being a passenger. When I have taken road trips, either my husband or other friends drive.
> 
> ...


I don't have any problems with driving on highways, even in heavy fog or rain. But I'd never, ever force someone to visit who had been honest and upfront about their anxiety drive to it. 

Also, someone who won't accept their friend has a issue with driving, ain't a friend either.


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## Catballou (Dec 31, 2022)

Bella said:


> Cat, I'm sorry you're having difficulty with highway driving. I'm sure you've done your best to overcome it, but wanting to do it doesn't always equate to being able to, even with medication. It seems that your friend wants what she wants without regard to your feelings of anxiety. Instead of being understanding and supportive, she's insulting you and pressuring you to get what she wants. She sounds insensitive, controlling, and self-absorbed.
> 
> I don't understand. If you're able to visit her with another friend who drives, why is she insisting that you drive alone to see her? Why do you have to drive alone? And if she wants to see you so badly, why can't she drive to see you?


She invited me and another friend last August. The friend bowed out at the last minute and she expected me to drive alone, even though I've told her for years that I don't do highways. She's certainly capable of driving to see me, but she rarely comes home over the summer and I guess the point is she wants to share her cottage and the lake with her friends. I admit I do love it there. I adore swimming and the beach. Her, not so much sometimes. 

But yes, I've known her for 50 years and she can be insensitive, controlling and self-absorbed. After all these years, I'm tired of it.


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## Catballou (Dec 31, 2022)

Disgustedman said:


> I don't have any problems with driving on highways, even in heavy fog or rain. But I'd never, ever force someone to visit who had been honest and upfront about their anxiety drive to it.
> 
> Also, someone who won't accept their friend has a issue with driving, ain't a friend either.


Thank you. I know you're right.


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## MikeyDude (Dec 31, 2022)

I have PTSD which is a different kind of Anxiety Disorder, but they all have things in common. One thing my experience has taught me is that if someone has never experienced the panic, they have no clue as to how real or severe it is. Your friend is obviously one of these people and there's no way you can convince them of how intense and frightening it is. My suggestion is to try to accept that they don't and won't understand. It's not their fault that they don't get it, and it's becoming another big source of anxiety for you. And it's not your fault that you can't convince them of the severity of this. 

Maybe you can try to have a "sit-down" with them and discuss the strain it's putting on your friendship. Find some middle ground and get back to the things that made you friends to begin with.


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## Blessed (Dec 31, 2022)

I am another one.  Wasn't as bad when I was young but these days it is a whole different story. My area has grown so much, the traffic has kept up with the growth.  Every time I think I know the way to get somewhere, everything has changed, new roads, exits and entrance ramps changes and moved.

I also was married, my husband did all the driving, so I did not get a lot of experience. He has passed so anywhere I chose to go is on my shoulders. I also suffer from anxiety.  People that do not or have never had a panic attack don't get it.  We are not just nervous, we are terrified. I also take medication.  It does wonders but can't fix an anxiety problem. We have to work at it everyday, some things are worth the battle, some are not. 

I hid this condition for most of my life, my husband knew but I kept it from other family, friends. I have come to realize I can only be responsible for how I feel.  If I am not comfortable or don't feel up to the challenge, I am protecting myself and others by staying off the roads. I wish you well, I do know how you feel.  If your friend can't love and accept you just the way you are, I would just tell her again, this is not a choice, it is not a simple fear, it is something in our DNA. We see the doctor, take medication, do exposure therapy to get better.

Invite her over to spend the night in your new snake pit in the back yard, would she have anxiety? Just saying!


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## win231 (Dec 31, 2022)

I think everyone has some anxiety about driving, but to varying degrees.
Your "friend" doesn't have much respect for your feelings.  Or you.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jan 1, 2023)

I was very nervous about highway driving when I first got my license at age 37.  Before I knew it, I had gotten used to it because I did a lot of highway driving for my work. I stopped driving almost 20 years ago after eye surgeries and other eye issues. If your friend is a good friend, she should not only respect your decision but be supportive of your anxiety, not ridicule you for it. I understand why you've gotten to the point that you'd prefer not to see her at all. And ditto @MikeyDude's answer (post #10).


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## katlupe (Jan 1, 2023)

I used to love driving on highways as well as any other roads. In my later years, I'd say about my fifties I started not liking it at all. It is around the time I started having trouble with my knees and was not comfortable in a vehicle any longer. I moved four years ago to an apartment and chose not to own a car. It was the best decision I ever made. Now I admit I have a boyfriend who will drive here and pick me up or run errands for me. I have recently been trying to find other ways to keep myself independent if anything happens to him. Now even when I am riding, those big highways make me so nervous that I know I could never drive on them again.


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## Pepper (Jan 1, 2023)

Catballou said:


> But yes, I've known her for 50 years and she can be insensitive, controlling and self-absorbed. After all these years, I'm tired of it.


That's what this thread is really about, isn't it?  Not your anxiety to drive, IMO.  It's about needing agreement with yourself to dump her.  Don't ever drive if you feel unsafe, never.  Just say No.


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## Judycat (Jan 1, 2023)

I have developed worsening anxiety as I became older, so I know what you mean. I jump at the unexpected and wind up shaking afterward. I don't like driving anymore for the same reasons you stated. Your friend is too needy as well.


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## NorthernLight (Jan 1, 2023)

I have specific fears around driving, and it prevents me from doing things and going places. I believe that if I force myself to drive while terrified, I'll put myself and others in danger.

Your friend is being disrespectful, not only of your feelings but also of your safety.

My language partner's family owns a mountain resort. He has invited me to spend time there for free. I'd love to, but I can't drive myself there. He respects that, because he's a respectful person.

Others are not so understanding. One person said I was being "ridiculous." That person is no longer in my life.

I have a real problem with people who think they know what I should think or feel, where I should go, or what I should do. Live and let live.


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## Been There (Jan 1, 2023)

With the posts that I have read, it seems that more females are affected by having a driving neurosis. I wonder if there was a poll if this would show up as being a female issue? Interesting. I remember when I was 7 years old and my dad drove us (mom and I) to Florida to visit my mom’s parents, my grandparents.  At that time, I don’t believe the interstate was finished the whole way down from Ohio. My mom wouldn’t drive on the Interstate. Only the state routes. She didn’t say why. Dad said next time down, we’re flying. Mom said she would meet us there. She was taking the train. Dad laughed. Good memory.


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## deaver (Jan 1, 2023)

no. never had problems driving the freeways or city streets. had two minor fender benders in 75 years of driving.


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## LadyEmeraude (Jan 1, 2023)

I developed freeway driving anxiety about 7 years ago, and although
I do drive the freeways it is not often. My heart races, and my eyes
vision have changed, it no longer is my cup of tea, I look to avoid it..

Are my friends understanding of it? Most are and a couple are not,
they feel that pressuring me, will change my anxiety about it.... 
I stand my grounds anyway...


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## JustDave (Jan 1, 2023)

When you think about it, driving is a dangerous undertaking.  There are high speeds, bumper to bumper, and everyone depending on everyone else to do it right.  OK accidents don't usually happen to us as individuals, but they can and do, and some of them we have no control over at all.  People die on highways, where they wouldn't die if they stayed home.

Most people don't have this anxiety reaction, because driving is familiar and seems normal.  I single handed my sailboat from California to Hawaii, and then from Hawaii to Alaska.  People talked about the danger, and I had thoughts about it too.  But somewhere, out in the middle of the ocean, it occurred that I could be driving on a freeway, filled with airheads and drunks, instead of being out in the ocean and encountering maybe 1 ship every 10 days, where the crew knew I was there before I even saw them.  We always made radio contact, while discussing which way we would turn to avoid each other safely.   Of course there was also friendly chatter about where we were going, where we were from, did we have children, bla, bla, and warm wishes for friendly winds and a safe voyage on signing off.  I believe that trip was safer than driving on a freeway, and actually much less stressful.


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## Alligatorob (Jan 1, 2023)

Catballou said:


> My question is: Do any of you have anxiety about highway driving and if so, are your friends supportive if you just can't make yourself do it?


I don't but certainly respect those that do.  If you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it.  Your right.


Catballou said:


> I've known her for 50 years and she can be insensitive, controlling and self-absorbed. After all these years, I'm tired of it.


Maybe fewer visits and not solo visits are a good thing?


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## officerripley (Jan 1, 2023)

Catballou said:


> I am 65 and still a competent, confident city driver, but I have never been comfortable driving alone on large, multi-lane highways. When I was younger, I forced myself to do it when necessary for work. I didn't enjoy it all and couldn't wait to return home. When I was in my mid-40s I developed a severe anxiety disorder, which is now mostly controlled by medication, but it my anxiety still rears its ugly head from time to time, depending on the situation.
> 
> Over the past 20 years or so, as I've aged, I've developed an actual phobia of driving on highways alone for long periods. I'm anxious that I'll be in an accident or get stranded or have a sudden health issue. I have no problem being a passenger. When I have taken road trips, either my husband or other friends drive.
> 
> ...





Blessed said:


> If I am not comfortable or don't feel up to the challenge, I am protecting myself and others by staying off the roads.





NorthernLight said:


> I believe that if I force myself to drive while terrified, I'll put myself and others in danger.


All of the above for me but in my case, it's my huzz who's the one not understanding why I no longer want to drive.


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## Catballou (Jan 1, 2023)

Blessed said:


> I am another one.  Wasn't as bad when I was young but these days it is a whole different story. My area has grown so much, the traffic has kept up with the growth.  Every time I think I know the way to get somewhere, everything has changed, new roads, exits and entrance ramps changes and moved.
> 
> I also was married, my husband did all the driving, so I did not get a lot of experience. He has passed so anywhere I chose to go is on my shoulders. I also suffer from anxiety.  People that do not or have never had a panic attack don't get it.  We are not just nervous, we are terrified. I also take medication.  It does wonders but can't fix an anxiety problem. We have to work at it everyday, some things are worth the battle, some are not.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. You totally get it. Some people think that by avoiding situations that make us anxious, we are just wimping out. Maybe so, but I'd rather wimp out than put myself and others at risk on the roads. My husband is afraid to fly while I am not. Some of our friends don't understand his phobia, either, but I certainly do. I really wish there was more kindness, understanding, patience and acceptance for those who have anxiety issues. At least, among friends.


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## Gary O' (Jan 1, 2023)

Friend doesn't respect my anxiety related to highway driving​


Catballou said:


> A few years ago, one of my close friends purchased a lovely beachside cottage that is two hours away. She spends the entire summer there. I've visited several times, but only when another friend drove. She is always bugging me to come alone and stop relying on others to get me there. I've explained several times that even the thought of driving two hours on highways by myself causes anxious thoughts. She has other friends who drive to see her and refuses to understand why I won't. She takes it personally and has accused me of acting like an old woman. I tell her that it's not an "old woman" issue. It's an anxiety issue.


If your 'friend' can afford a beach cottage, she can afford a private car for you

Ask her when to expect the driver to arrive

If she gets incredulous, just tell her she started it


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## Catballou (Jan 1, 2023)

Alligatorob said:


> I don't but certainly respect those that do.  If you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it.  Your right.
> 
> Maybe fewer visits and not solo visits are a good thing?





OneEyedDiva said:


> I was very nervous about highway driving when I first got my license at age 37.  Before I knew it, I had gotten used to it because I did a lot of highway driving for my work. I stopped driving almost 20 years ago after eye surgeries and other eye issues. If your friend is a good friend, she should not only respect your decision but be supportive of your anxiety, not ridicule you for it. I understand why you've gotten to the point that you'd prefer not to see her at all. And ditto @MikeyDude's answer (post #10).


Thank you for this.


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## debodun (Jan 1, 2023)

I don't like it either. Even more so now that my vision is affected. I'm okay running errands locally where I am familiar with the area and it's not crowded. I'd be scared witless to drive on a busy highway, in an unfamiliar place or in a congested area.


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## Catballou (Jan 1, 2023)

Judycat said:


> I have developed worsening anxiety as I became older, so I know what you mean. I jump at the unexpected and wind up shaking afterward. I don't like driving anymore for the same reasons you stated. Your friend is too needy as well.


I'm sorry that you have similar issues with driving. It really does suck. Actually, my friend isn't needy at all. She's just the type that expects her friends to behave the way she thinks they should.


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## Geezerette (Jan 1, 2023)

8-10 years ago I used to think nothing of doing an hour or two of highway driving just to visit an interesting place or event or a better mall. But both city and highway driving in this state has gotten so lawless, witness wrecks all the time that I just quit the highways. Didn’t feel it was worth the risk any more. You don’t owe any explanations more than “I don’t care to do it.” 
we don’t have to respond to pushy people who know they are making us uncomfortable. They do it for sick kicks. Many good thoughts and ideas offered above by many forum members. 
if you want and can afford a beach holiday, explore other ways of having it with transportation  provided. Good luck.


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## Catballou (Jan 1, 2023)

Pepper said:


> That's what this thread is really about, isn't it?  Not your anxiety to drive, IMO.  It's about needing agreement with yourself to dump her.  Don't ever drive if you feel unsafe, never.  Just say No.


No, it's not really about needing agreement to dump her. I know I can't say goodbye to a 50-year-relationship. My post is more about (1) how to handle a friend who doesn't respect anxiety issues, and (2) wondering if anyone else has anxiety about solo highway driving. And I suppose I was wanting some validation that I'm not the one being unreasonable.


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## Pepper (Jan 1, 2023)

Catballou said:


> No, it's not really about needing agreement to dump her. I know I can't say goodbye to a 50-year-relationship. My post is more about (1) how to handle a friend who doesn't respect anxiety issues, and (2) wondering if anyone else has anxiety about solo highway driving. And I suppose I was wanting some validation that I'm not the one being unreasonable.


You are not being unreasonable.  It's not safe to drive if you are anxious.  Stay safe!


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## Catballou (Jan 1, 2023)

Geezerette said:


> 8-10 years ago I used to think nothing of doing an hour or two of highway driving just to visit an interesting place or event or a better mall. But both city and highway driving in this state has gotten so lawless, witness wrecks all the time that I just quit the highways. Didn’t feel it was worth the risk any more. You don’t owe any explanations more than “I don’t care to do it.”
> we don’t have to respond to pushy people who know they are making us uncomfortable. They do it for sick kicks. Many good thoughts and ideas offered above by many forum members.
> if you want and can afford a beach holiday, explore other ways of having it with transportation  provided. Good luck.


Thank you. I agree that this friend somehow gets a kick out of making me uncomfortable. She's done it for years. And yes...I still go lots of fun places without having to drive. Either hubby or a friend drives, or I take a train or bus. My issue with highway driving is the same as yours: too much speeding, too many collisions. Not interested in taking the risk.


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## Disgustedman (Jan 1, 2023)

One day a cop was following behind a late model car with 4 older women inside, after 5 miles he turned on his lights and she pulled over. The driver rolled down the window and the trooper approached.

"Ma'am, you going 45 mph, the speed limit is 65 on this highway"

"Officer, doesn't that sign say "45?"

"Yes ma'am, but that's the Hwy marker denoting the highway number, the speed sign is white with black lettering"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll speed up then"

The trooper turns to leave and looks at the two woman in the back, looks of horror and frozen on their very pale faces.

"Ma'am? You're friends in back don't look so good, are they all right?"

"Yes officer, as you explained my error, we'd just got off Hwy 119 recently"


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## Catballou (Jan 1, 2023)

Disgustedman said:


> One day a cop was following behind a late model car with 4 older women inside, after 5 miles he turned on his lights and she pulled over. The driver rolled down the window and the trooper approached.
> 
> "Ma'am, you going 45 mph, the speed limit is 65 on this highway"
> 
> ...


Okay, I'm not THIS bad of a driver. LOL!


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## Disgustedman (Jan 1, 2023)

Catballou said:


> Okay, I'm not THIS bad of a driver. LOL!


I knew you needed a chuckle. Glad it helped you. ((((HUGS))))


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## NorthernLight (Jan 1, 2023)

You're not being unreasonable. As for how to handle it ... I've found that it's better not to say too much. The more you/I explain, the more our friends offer their opinions, advice, etc.

I'd say something along the lines of, "Thank you for inviting me. I'm sorry, I can't come. Have a wonderful summer." Then change the subject.

It's kind of late now, because you've already explained. If she keeps at it, you can good-naturedly laugh it off and say, "Yes, we've discussed this before." And change the subject.


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## Catballou (Jan 1, 2023)

NorthernLight said:


> You're not being unreasonable. As for how to handle it ... I've found that it's better not to say too much. The more you/I explain, the more our friends offer their opinions, advice, etc.
> 
> I'd say something along the lines of, "Thank you for inviting me. I'm sorry, I can't come. Have a wonderful summer." Then change the subject.
> 
> It's kind of late now, because you've already explained. If she keeps at it, you can good-naturedly laugh it off and say, "Yes, we've discussed this before." And change the subject


The problem with this friend is she continues to push and berate me when I tell her no. The good-natured approach doesn't work with her, unfortunately. She won't let it go until I tell her I don't want to discuss it anymore.


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## HoneyNut (Jan 1, 2023)

Catballou said:


> Over the past 20 years or so, as I've aged, I've developed an actual phobia of driving on highways alone for long periods.


I wasn't fond of some highways even when I was young, but I have become more anxious over the years.  Some of that due just to the accumulation of scary experiences over time.  I particularly fear steep highways, will not roll one foot into the Rocky Mountains (once went to look at a horse for sale and the scary memory of the drive back down the mountain remains).

Washington DC has a curvy crowded beltway highway, and I have such bad memories from driving it in my young days I haven't even tried to get on it now that I've moved back to the area.  

Can you get to your friend's beach house via back roads instead of highways?  I use the 'avoid highways' option in the google maps app a lot.  I wish though that the app had a middle choice, I'm okay with things that are called highways but really have traffic lights.  But using the 'avoid highways' on the app generally takes me off onto ancient narrow winding roads that I suspect started out as wildlife paths in pioneer days.  

This past year I drove on highways several times for long trips, and I found it helpful to use the 'street view' before I traveled to see what the highway looked like, especially places where different ones merge and I'd have to change lanes.  Unfortunately the street view somehow didn't give me an accurate idea of the incline so I wound up on some scary downhill highways.


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## NorthernLight (Jan 1, 2023)

HoneyNut said:


> I wasn't fond of some highways even when I was young, but I have become more anxious over the years.  Some of that due just to the accumulation of scary experiences over time.  I particularly fear steep highways, will not roll one foot into the Rocky Mountains (once went to look at a horse for sale and the scary memory of the drive back down the mountain remains).
> 
> Washington DC has a curvy crowded beltway highway, and I have such bad memories from driving it in my young days I haven't even tried to get on it now that I've moved back to the area.
> 
> ...


YouTube has dashcam videos of many roads and highways. I've checked the videos of scary roads, either before or after I've driven them. There can be a sheer dropoff 2 feet to the right of the car, or a steep hill, and you're going 60 miles an hour. But somehow you don't see that on the screen.

I've also checked maps to determine altitude, curves, etc. They are misleading too. And they don't show the big truck or RV that's barreling behind you.


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## AprilSun (Jan 1, 2023)

Catballou said:


> I'm sorry that you have similar issues with driving. It really does suck. Actually, my friend isn't needy at all. She's just the type that expects her friends to behave the way she thinks they should.


You're doing the right thing. You have to stand up to this type of person. I can say from experience concerning other issues, the more you give in to a person like this, the more they will expect.


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## Shalimar (Jan 1, 2023)

AprilSun said:


> You're doing the right thing. You have to stand up to this type of person. I can say from experience concerning other issues, the more you give in to a person like this, the more they will expect.


QFT.


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## Catballou (Jan 1, 2023)

HoneyNut said:


> I wasn't fond of some highways even when I was young, but I have become more anxious over the years.  Some of that due just to the accumulation of scary experiences over time.  I particularly fear steep highways, will not roll one foot into the Rocky Mountains (once went to look at a horse for sale and the scary memory of the drive back down the mountain remains).
> 
> Washington DC has a curvy crowded beltway highway, and I have such bad memories from driving it in my young days I haven't even tried to get on it now that I've moved back to the area.
> 
> ...


I'm not even comfortable driving backroads by myself for two hours, to be honest. Sure, there's a lot less traffic but I'm afraid of the car breaking down or having a sudden health issue when I'm alone. The other thing is, we have just one vehicle and I don't really want to leave hubby at home alone for two days without access to wheels.


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## Shalimar (Jan 1, 2023)

Catballou said:


> Thank you. I agree that this friend somehow gets a kick out of making me uncomfortable. She's done it for years. And yes...I still go lots of fun places without having to drive. Either hubby or a friend drives, or I take a train or bus. My issue with highway driving is the same as yours: too much speeding, too many collisions. Not interested in taking the risk.


Some people have major, obsessive issues around control. The word no is a red flag for them. Your behaviour is perfectly acceptable, your boundaries reasonable. The problem is hers, not yours.


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## JaniceM (Jan 1, 2023)

I think the first three words in title say it all:  "FRIEND DOESN'T RESPECT."


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## Nathan (Jan 1, 2023)

Catballou said:


> I am 65 and still a competent, confident city driver, but I have never been comfortable driving alone on large, multi-lane highways. When I was younger, I forced myself to do it when necessary for work. I didn't enjoy it all and couldn't wait to return home. When I was in my mid-40s I developed a severe anxiety disorder, which is now mostly controlled by medication, but it my anxiety still rears its ugly head from time to time, depending on the situation.
> 
> Over the past 20 years or so, as I've aged, I've developed an actual phobia of driving on highways alone for long periods. I'm anxious that I'll be in an accident or get stranded or have a sudden health issue. I have no problem being a passenger. When I have taken road trips, either my husband or other friends drive.
> 
> ...


Your friend seems too self absorbed to consider you're needs, so take that as a sign...
As for your anxiety with driving, that's called amaxophobia, which I described my personal experience with in another thread.  
I didn't have access to medication, but just the knowledge that this phobia is highly treatable helped me overcome it on my own.


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## officerripley (Jan 1, 2023)

Catballou said:


> And I suppose I was wanting some validation that I'm not the one being unreasonable.


You're not at all unreasonable. Hugs.


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## win231 (Jan 1, 2023)

One thing that really surprises me.  A friend will move 200-300 miles away, then complain that his friends don't visit him.
One friend decided to move from CA to the Philippines.  He'd always tell me come for a visit.  His house is only accessible by boat.
Yeah, I got nothing better to do than spend 10 hours on a plane, then several hours more in a row boat to get to his jungle place.


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## Catballou (Jan 1, 2023)

win231 said:


> One thing that really surprises me.  A friend will move 200-300 miles away, then complain that his friends don't visit him.
> One friend decided to move from CA to the Philippines.  He'd always tell me come for a visit.  His house is only accessible by boat.
> Yeah, I got nothing better to do than spend 10 hours on a plane, then several hours more in a row boat to get to his jungle place.


Well, this is it. I didn't ask my friend to spend every summer at a beach house two hours away. Her choice. And people like her have to realize that not everyone finds it convenient or comfortable to travel to her place.


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## leastlongprime (Jan 1, 2023)

Is there  public transportation?
When I visit the family beach home (now younger sister's) I take the local bus-train (280-330 miles depending on route). Primarily because it's cheaper than driving a personal car and I dislike boring freeway driving. The downside is that I can't make the bus stop at the cascades and the beaver dam.


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## Catballou (Jan 1, 2023)

leastlongprime said:


> Is there  public transportation?
> When I visit the family beach home (now younger sister's) I take the local bus-train (280-330 miles depending on route). Primarily because it's cheaper than driving a personal car and I dislike boring freeway driving. The downside is that I can't make the bus stop at the cascades and the beaver dam.


No buses. There is a train that goes there, but a round-trip fare is very expensive and takes half a day to get there. To be totally honest, I'm not eager to spend $150 to see a friend who doesn't respect me as she should.


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## Teacher Terry (Jan 1, 2023)

I used to love freeway driving but not anymore. Our roads are much busier so I only drive them between 10-3 if it’s a longer distance. Otherwise I take city roads. Your friend is being a jerk. Anxiety can make you feel like you are dying. It’s sad that she’s choosing what she wants over your health.


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## Pepper (Jan 2, 2023)

Teacher Terry said:


> It’s sad that she’s choosing what she wants over your health.


She probably doesn't believe what OP is telling her; no empathy, or just thinks it's a lie.


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## fatboy (Jan 2, 2023)

Merging lanes scare the hell out of me.even when I was younger.


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## jimintoronto (Jan 2, 2023)

Driving is a learned skill. The more you do it ( after professional training ) the better you get at it. Most of the people on here who are "afraid to drive " seem to be women. Why is that ? In my opinion that reason is they never learned HOW to drive safely. I say that with over 2 million miles of accident free commercial driving behind me, and 54 years of driving all types of vehicles, from 40 foot transit buses, to Ambulances, and commercial tractor trailers, and of course my personal vehicles. 

Confidence is the thing that seems to be missing in these posts. To me being afraid to drive is like having a rope tied to your ankle, so you can't go anywhere far from the house. It restricts your life.
JimB.


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## Catballou (Jan 2, 2023)

jimintoronto said:


> Driving is a learned skill. The more you do it ( after professional training ) the better you get at it. Most of the people on here who are "afraid to drive " seem to be women. Why is that ? In my opinion that reason is they never learned HOW to drive safely. I say that with over 2 million miles of accident free commercial driving behind me, and 54 years of driving all types of vehicles, from 40 foot transit buses, to Ambulances, and commercial tractor trailers, and of course my personal vehicles.
> 
> Confidence is the thing that seems to be missing in these posts. To me being afraid to drive is like having a rope tied to your ankle, so you can't go anywhere far from the house. It restricts your life.
> JimB.


Women never learned how to drive safely? That is a highly insulting, sexist comment. I've driven for almost 50 years and have never had an accident on the roads that was my fault. Before I retired, I ran my own business for 14 years. It required me to drive around the city for hours, often seven days a week, often for several months without a break. No accidents.

What you're missing here is, many of the women who have shared their stories here have anxiety that affects their desire and ability to drive alone on highways. I suggest you try being more sensitive to mental health issues and keep your misogynistic comments to yourself.


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## Pepper (Jan 2, 2023)

Gosh @jimintoronto that's quite the POV!


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## Shalimar (Jan 2, 2023)

*It has been my experience that many men also suffer from this form of anxiety, in particular, those afflicted with PTSD. The most common denominator, individuals with a background in combat, law enforcement, paramedics, etc. Trauma and anxiety are not gender specific. *


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## officerripley (Jan 2, 2023)

jimintoronto said:


> Confidence is the thing that seems to be missing in these posts.


It has also been verified--Dunning/Krueger effect et al.--that such a thing as _over_confidence exists; in fact, it can be seen almost every day of drivers trying to unsafely pass another car, texting while driving, etc.


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## Shalimar (Jan 2, 2023)

officerripley said:


> It has also been verified--Dunning/Krueger effect et al.--that such a thing as _over_confidence exists; in fact, it can be seen almost every day of drivers trying to unsafely pass another car, texting while driving, etc.


Qft.


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## David777 (Jan 2, 2023)

This 74 year old has never caused an automobile accident despite driving decades in a highly developed urban region.   My uncorrected eyesight is modest at 70/20 and in older age, develop varying double vision if driving for hours.  As a long time Tahoe snow skier, I've also likewise driven within some of the most difficult, snowy, icy, mountain conditions. Easily, the most scary driving is at night on high speed 2 lane highways when within foul weather there are few vehicles moving in one's car direction while large numbers of vehicles move with blinding headlamps in the opposite direction.  Especially awful when large trucks with bright headlamps pass. Not as difficult when one is following a lead vehicle where one can just follow the red tail lights without actually needing to see pavement or road paint. But highly scary with no vehicle to follow.  Similar situation in dense winter tule fog across our Central Valley. Even worse as is now the situation at night on a few miles of our State Route 84 leading west from Livermore against the eastward home commute that is undergoing massive construction, widening the highway, where the minimal road width is now bordered by fencing and concrete barriers.


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## jimintoronto (Jan 2, 2023)

Catballou said:


> Women never learned how to drive safely? That is a highly insulting, sexist comment. I've driven for almost 50 years and have never had an accident on the roads that was my fault. Before I retired, I ran my own business for 14 years. It required me to drive around the city for hours, often seven days a week, often for several months without a break. No accidents.
> 
> What you're missing here is, many of the women who have shared their stories here have anxiety that affects their desire and ability to drive alone on highways. I suggest you try being more sensitive to mental health issues and keep your misogynistic comments to yourself.


Nice attack on me. What other hidden sins have you decided I have committed in the past ? Your driving record is commendable, but it sure cannot be applied to all women drivers. JimB.


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## Catballou (Jan 2, 2023)

jimintoronto said:


> Nice attack on me. What other hidden sins have you decided I have committed in the past ? Your driving record is commendable, but it sure cannot be applied to all women drivers. JimB.


Now, you didn't honestly think you'd get away with talking trash about women drivers, did you? Statistically, young male drivers under 25 are the most dangerous drivers. They are by far responsible for the most collisions, including fatal ones, of any other sex/age group. If you find any proof to the contrary, let me know. BTW, I'd like everyone to know that most Canadian men have more respect for women than this guy.


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## Shalimar (Jan 2, 2023)

jimintoronto said:


> Nice attack on me. What other hidden sins have you decided I have committed in the past ? Your driving record is commendable, but it sure cannot be applied to all women drivers. JimB.


Reducing a woman‘s driving anxiety to poor driving habits is both reductionist and inaccurate. It is entirely appropriate for you to be challenged on your statements on this thread. This

addresses your inappropriate comments regarding female anxiety and driving ability. I notice you chose not to respond to the post detailing that men commonly suffer from this disorder also.


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## Catballou (Jan 2, 2023)

Shalimar said:


> Reducing a woman‘s driving anxiety to poor driving habits is both reductionist and inaccurate. It is entirely appropriate for you to be challenged on your statements on this thread. This
> 
> addresses your inappropriate comments regarding female anxiety and driving ability. I notice you chose not to respond to the post detailing that men commonly suffer from this disorder also.


Yes. And many women have anxiety because of sexist men like him.


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## jimintoronto (Jan 2, 2023)

Shalimar said:


> Reducing a woman‘s driving anxiety to poor driving habits is both reductionist and inaccurate. It is entirely appropriate for you to be challenged on your statements on this thread. This
> 
> addresses your inappropriate comments regarding female anxiety and driving ability. I notice you chose not to respond to the post detailing that men commonly suffer from this disorder also.


And it is also entirely appropriate for me to have an opinion that differs from yours. I don't represent all men. Reductionist ? Care to translate that into common English ?


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## JaniceM (Jan 2, 2023)

Catballou said:


> I am 65 and still a competent, confident city driver, but I have never been comfortable driving alone on large, multi-lane highways. When I was younger, I forced myself to do it when necessary for work. I didn't enjoy it all and couldn't wait to return home. When I was in my mid-40s I developed a severe anxiety disorder, which is now mostly controlled by medication, but it my anxiety still rears its ugly head from time to time, depending on the situation.
> 
> Over the past 20 years or so, as I've aged, I've developed an actual phobia of driving on highways alone for long periods. I'm anxious that I'll be in an accident or get stranded or have a sudden health issue. I have no problem being a passenger. When I have taken road trips, either my husband or other friends drive.
> 
> ...


Welll, it seems to me you offered her an explanation which she refuses to accept, so maybe she's not that great of a friend.. and maybe you could look for friends who have more compassion about what you're going through.


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## HoneyNut (Jan 2, 2023)

Catballou said:


> No buses. There is a train that goes there, but a round-trip fare is very expensive and takes half a day to get there. To be totally honest, I'm not eager to spend $150 to see a friend who doesn't respect me as she should.


On the other hand, $150 for a week at a beach house sounds okay.  You said you enjoy it there, does she treat you better while you are a guest at her house?
Everyone has a personality, I'd not cut her off after all these years if she was upset because people had said they were coming and then nobody came, maybe she was very disappointed and felt like her friends were not dependable.  
A person does need to have boundaries but at the same time be tolerant of other people's weirdnesses and humble and giving if possible without being used.  
If you are feeling used and indignant, maybe don't encourage those feelings too much.  You've been friends a long time?  How did you just let it roll off your back before?  Why are you reacting more sensitively now?
I'm not saying you are wrong in any way, but just reflect whether you are making your life colder than it needs to be.  Maybe you can get her to learn to have a sense of humor about you being her friend who has to take a train nowadays.


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## Catballou (Jan 2, 2023)

HoneyNut said:


> On the other hand, $150 for a week at a beach house sounds okay.  You said you enjoy it there, does she treat you better while you are a guest at her house?
> Everyone has a personality, I'd not cut her off after all these years if she was upset because people had said they were coming and then nobody came, maybe she was very disappointed and felt like her friends were not dependable.
> A person does need to have boundaries but at the same time be tolerant of other people's weirdnesses and humble and giving if possible without being used.
> If you are feeling used and indignant, maybe don't encourage those feelings too much.  You've been friends a long time?  How did you just let it roll off your back before?  Why are you reacting more sensitively now?
> I'm not saying you are wrong in any way, but just reflect whether you are making your life colder than it needs to be.  Maybe you can get her to learn to have a sense of humor about you being her friend who has to take a train nowadays.


Thanks for your input, HoneyNut. I appreciate your comments. 

To answer some of your questions: (1) No, she often doesn't treat me better when I'm a guest at her house. Especially after a few glasses of wine, she becomes critical, sarcastic and argumentative, challenging me on how I choose to live my life. She does this with other friends, too. A couple of them have severed ties with her. (2) I have put up with her behaviour for 50 years and now that I'm 65, I've reached a point in my life where I no longer wish to tolerate anyone treating me with disrespect, questioning my decisions and ridiculing me. Examples: She's commented on my weight, looked in my fridge and commented "Wow, you have so much food!" (implying we eat too much), always says nasty things about obese people (she's very attractive but obsessed with her looks), implied that I am lazy, criticized my career choices, called me a hypochondriac when I was going through some real health issues. She still works as a college instructor and has criticized me for "not doing anything" during my retirement, like travelling or volunteering. Meanwhile, I'm happy and content just enjoying life with my hubby, friends and family. The list goes on and on. None of my other close friends act like this. They don't judge me and love me for who I am, which is a kind and caring person who always tries to help and support them as best I can. 

So, I'm the one who is changed. I've re-evaluated my friendships and decided that at this stage in my life I want to surround myself with people who lift me up and not bring me down. I will not end our 50-year friendship with this woman, but I'm sure not eager to spend as much time with her as I have in the past.


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## JaniceM (Jan 2, 2023)

She sounds like a horrible individual that you're better off without.  

(just my POV)


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## TeeJay (Jan 2, 2023)

Pinky said:


> I have highway-related anxiety, due to an accident we were involved in, several years ago. We had come to
> a sudden stop behind backed-up traffic. Another car stopped just in time, behind us. As we were sitting in
> the car, waiting for traffic to start flowing, a car hit the vehicle behind us, and totaled the back-end of our
> car .. also gave the couple behind us, whiplash. The car that hit them was going at least 100 km's, and
> ...


*Yinz guys in n' aroond Tronno got too many lanes, n' waaaay too many crazy drivers! Sorry, but it's true! When I was still driving, I'd avoid Tronno like the plague! PLAGUE, I TELL YA! Unless I absolutely had no choice. Yeap, I had anxiety, driving on the highway. I got it from Tronno traffic! N' aNOTHer thing ... To wit: As if the Gardner ain't bad enough to start with, whose brainchild was putting up all them moving billboards? I always found them blithering distracting! No offence, eh? I know it weren't YINZ'S idea. *


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## Catballou (Jan 2, 2023)

JaniceM said:


> She sounds like a horrible individual that you're better off without.
> 
> (just my POV)


To be fair, I haven't talked about her good points. She is highly intelligent and we have wonderful philosophical discussions. She at least respects my intellect. She is wildly witty and funny, which I love in a friend. Throughout the years I've seen her go above and beyond for friends who are going through terminal illnesses or have suffered a tragedy. These are the things that has kept us friends for so long. But, it is so hard to not be bothered and upset at her negative behaviour.


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## Catballou (Jan 2, 2023)

TeeJay said:


> *Yinz guys in n' aroond Tronno got too many lanes, n' waaaay too many crazy drivers! Sorry, but it's true! When I was still driving, I'd avoid Tronno like the plague! PLAGUE, I TELL YA! Unless I absolutely had no choice. Yeap, I had anxiety, driving on the highway. I got it from Tronno traffic! N' aNOTHer thing ... To wit: As if the Gardner ain't bad enough to start with, whose brainchild was putting up all them moving billboards? I always found them blithering distracting! No offence, eh? I know it weren't YINZ'S idea. *


I agree. I live an hour away from Toronto. I do like to visit a couple of times a year; it's an awesome city! I always take the train. I would never even attempt to drive there. No way.


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## TeeJay (Jan 2, 2023)

Catballou said:


> I agree. I live an hour away from Toronto. I do like to visit a couple of times a year; it's an awesome city! I always take the train. I would never even attempt to drive there. No way.


_I agree it's an awesome city ... to look at ... from a distance. Used to have no el problemo driving in the city. But getting there from Hamilton was always a challenge!  _


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## Catballou (Jan 2, 2023)

TeeJay said:


> _I agree it's an awesome city ... to look at ... from a distance. Used to have no el problemo driving in the city. But getting there from Hamilton was always a challenge! _


I hear ya. I honestly don't know how people do it. Hubby and I went to T.O. last March for a concert. A friend offered to drive us. The traffic once we hit the Gardiner was absolutely brutal. And taking the 401 to get there is always a nightmare. Ugh.


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## TeeJay (Jan 2, 2023)

Catballou said:


> I hear ya. I honestly don't know how people do it. Hubby and I went to T.O. last March for a concert. A friend offered to drive us. The traffic once we hit the Gardiner was absolutely brutal. And taking the 401 to get there is always a nightmare. Ugh.


*It's bin many a yonk since I drove the Gardner, but in my day, it was one of the worstest city bypasses in the history of city bypasses! N' I don't imagine it's bin improved upon any since the last time I was sat on it, in total gridlock! I mean, there ain't no ROOM anywhere to improve it anyways.

My late wife, Sue's idea was to drastically reduce the amount of traffic congestion, through the relocation of Corporate Headquarters' n' stuff to different cities throughout Southern Ontario, n' ergo, away from Toronto. N' there ain't no shortage of perfectly good alternate locations around these parts (with the already built highway access) wot could use the boost to their economies, eh?   *


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## win231 (Jan 2, 2023)

Catballou said:


> Thanks for your input, HoneyNut. I appreciate your comments.
> 
> To answer some of your questions: (1) No, she often doesn't treat me better when I'm a guest at her house. Especially after a few glasses of wine, she becomes critical, sarcastic and argumentative, challenging me on how I choose to live my life. She does this with other friends, too. A couple of them have severed ties with her. (2) I have put up with her behaviour for 50 years and now that I'm 65, I've reached a point in my life where I no longer wish to tolerate anyone treating me with disrespect, questioning my decisions and ridiculing me. Examples: She's commented on my weight, looked in my fridge and commented "Wow, you have so much food!" (implying we eat too much), always says nasty things about obese people (she's very attractive but obsessed with her looks), implied that I am lazy, criticized my career choices, called me a hypochondriac when I was going through some real health issues. She still works as a college instructor and has criticized me for "not doing anything" during my retirement, like travelling or volunteering. Meanwhile, I'm happy and content just enjoying life with my hubby, friends and family. The list goes on and on. None of my other close friends act like this. They don't judge me and love me for who I am, which is a kind and caring person who always tries to help and support them as best I can.
> 
> So, I'm the one who is changed. I've re-evaluated my friendships and decided that at this stage in my life I want to surround myself with people who lift me up and not bring me down. I will not end our 50-year friendship with this woman, but I'm sure not eager to spend as much time with her as I have in the past.


Well, if you think life is long enough to waste time with people like that...........
The time spent with her could be spent with a decent friend.


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## Remy (Jan 3, 2023)

When someone resorts to name calling or putting you down such as this, that's a deal breaker for me. I've dealt with too much of this. Your so called friend is completely insensitive and she's acting childish taking something that causes you anxiety personally.

When working PM shift my co-worker stated she was afraid to go home on the freeway. We lived in similar areas. She indicated that she thought it was less safe. I told her I felt going through town was less safe because of all the stoplights and you never know what weirdo could be lurking. I told her to be sure her doors are locked. It didn't make that much sense to me but if that's what worked for her, I had no right to put her down for it. I only went through town when it was very foggy.


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## Shalimar (Jan 3, 2023)

*In my opinion, the length of a friendship, and the individual’s positive character traits, pale in comparison to the barrage of longstanding verbal/emotional abuse. This is 

a toxic person who clearly enjoys hurting others. The fact that she possesses a high level of intelligence makes it 

highly unlikely she is unaware of the ramifications of her behaviour. She doesn’t care. It is all about her. She doesn’t want friends, she prefers acolytes.*


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## NorthernLight (Jan 3, 2023)

@Catballou  Sounds like you're going through a transition, rethinking friendships, etc. It can be confusing.

You yourself said she won't drop the subject unless you say you refuse to discuss it further. You could do that. Have you done that?

I understand that you don’t want to end the friendship. But you can put limits on it. If you don't want to drive there, you're not going to. End of.

I have certain lifestyle things that I refuse to discuss. When people ask me why I do or don't do something, I tell them up front that it's something I don't discuss. It's even better if they don't find out about it in the first place.

I think you're going in a good direction. Congratulations!


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## Catballou (Jan 3, 2023)

NorthernLight said:


> @Catballou  Sounds like you're going through a transition, rethinking friendships, etc. It can be confusing.
> 
> You yourself said she won't drop the subject unless you say you refuse to discuss it further. You could do that. Have you done that?
> 
> ...


I have told her I don't want to discuss it further, but she keeps bringing it up. She'll say something like, "I know you told me that you don't want to drive on highways, but I still don't really understand it." The last time she said this, I replied, "OMG, why do we have to discuss this again? I've already explained it's an anxiety issue." And she kept asking me more questions, trying to analyze me. I finally said, "Let's just drop it." But I know she'll eventually mention it again and likely tease or berate me. 

And no, I am not going to drive there. I am very stubborn when I'm pushed to do something I don't want to do. She just wants to have her own way, like always.


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## Catballou (Jan 3, 2023)

Shalimar said:


> *In my opinion, the length of a friendship, and the individual’s positive character traits, pale in comparison to the barrage of longstanding verbal/emotional abuse. This is
> 
> a toxic person who clearly enjoys hurting others. The fact that she possesses a high level of intelligence makes it
> 
> highly unlikely she is unaware of the ramifications of her behaviour. She doesn’t care. It is all about her. She doesn’t want friends, she prefers acolytes.*


You're right, Shalimar. As I mentioned earlier, she "collects" people. She is a "social butterfly" who has many friends and acquaintances. People are attracted to her wit, humour, energy and charisma and she thrives on it. She's mentioned on more than one occasion that she categorizes her friends as such: There's an "A List" of very close, long-time friends. The "B List" is those she generally enjoys being with, but they're not as close. She recently told me she wanted to started "weeding out" the "B-Listers" that no longer add value to her life. With any luck, I will be on that list. LOL


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## Shalimar (Jan 3, 2023)

*I think she may find the aging process to be quite challenging. At some point, beauty fades. *


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## Geezerette (Jan 3, 2023)

I’m beginning to think it’s a male vs female call.
If a woman decide to stop doing something she once did, why should it be called ANXIETY ? when if a man made the same choice it would be labeled “GOOD JUDGMENT” .

Simply saying “I don’t care to do it any more” should be enough, with no further explanations demanded or required.


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## Catballou (Jan 3, 2023)

Shalimar said:


> *I think she may find the aging process to be quite challenging. At some point, beauty fades. *


Wow, you are so right! It's almost like you know her! She's admitted that she's terrified of aging. It's probably quite common for those who have been blessed with above-average looks. She's always been vain and it's important to her that people still find her attractive. In her younger days, she attracted men like a magnet. She's been married for 20 years to a great guy 10 years younger, but she still has a need to be validated for physical appearance.


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## Catballou (Jan 3, 2023)

Geezerette said:


> I’m beginning to think it’s a male vs female call.
> If a woman decide to stop doing something she once did, why should it be called ANXIETY ? when if a man made the same choice it would be labeled “GOOD JUDGMENT” .
> 
> Simply saying “I don’t care to do it any more” should be enough, with no further explanations demanded or required.


Not sure I agree with that. In my case, it absolutely is anxiety and I'm open and honest about it.


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## JaniceM (Jan 3, 2023)

Catballou said:


> Not sure I agree with that. In my case, it absolutely is anxiety and I'm open and honest about it.


From what you've said, you've already been open and honest about it...  maybe now it's time to give up.


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## perChance (Jan 3, 2023)

Catballou said:


> I have told her I don't want to discuss it further, but she keeps bringing it up. She'll say something like, "I know you told me that you don't want to drive on highways, but I still don't really understand it." The last time she said this, I replied, "OMG, why do we have to discuss this again? I've already explained it's an anxiety issue." And she kept asking me more questions, trying to analyze me. I finally said, "Let's just drop it." But I know she'll eventually mention it again and likely tease or berate me.
> 
> And no, I am not going to drive there. I am very stubborn when I'm pushed to do something I don't want to do. She just wants to have her own way, like always.


Perhaps the next time she brings it up, tell her that you are getting worried that she may have a problem with her memory because she keeps forgetting that you already answered all these questions.  Start teasing her about it and perhaps she will get the message and stop.


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