# Funeral Attendance - When you do or don't



## James (Feb 22, 2018)

Families are complex beasts so I thought I would put this out for comments.

Recently a very distant Aunt passed (my father's sister).  The last contact I had with her was probably about 50 years ago, this is about the same with all of that side of the family.  I decided not to go.  My Father was fine with this.

A couple of months after this a cousin on this side lost his wife.  I never met her or their kids (who are now in their 30's) and the last time I saw my cousin was at my Grandmother's funeral almost 40 yrs ago.  Again, I decided not to attend.  

As with a lot of families we were closer to one side (my mother's) than the other.  Unfortunate but that's just the way it worked out.  The one side are basically strangers.

Recently one of my distant cousins expressed his displeasure over my non attendance.

Frankly I don't really care as I don't expect to see or hear from him for the rest of my life, except possibly at the funeral of my parents, should they have one. (They all live in the same area while I reside about 5 hours away and moved away from that area 38 years ago) 

Besides, this is the same side that we didn't hear squat from when 2 of my children were fighting for their lives in an ICU when they were toddlers.  Nor did we hear squat when I was seriously injured in a traffic collision. Nor did we hear squat from them when my parents were fighting serious illnesses, even though they live in the same area. These examples applied to all aunts, uncles & cousins from "that side".

The way that I see it is if you didnt bother with someone in life, why would you bother with them in death, and I'm fine with that both ways.

Blood isn't always thicker than water.

Thoughts?


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## Falcon (Feb 22, 2018)

Unless I had a  REAL  close friend  going,  I wouldn't  attend.........and probably  wouldn't  even be missed.


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## hollydolly (Feb 22, 2018)

I totally agree with you...we have the same thing..my mothers' brothers and sisters, and all our aunts, uncles and  cousins on the maternal side  have stayed in the same area all their lives...in a different country to me as well . They barely had anything to do with us, including my mother  when my mother was alive and absolutely nothing since my mother died when I was a Teen when they attended her funeral but didn't speak to any of us except to ask for a copy of the death certificate for insurance purposes ...they wouldn't know me or my siblings or our children  from a hole in the wall after over  40 years... so there's no way I would attend any of their funerals, they are complete strangers to me...


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## Olivia (Feb 22, 2018)

At my mom's funeral, most of the people there didn't know her, but they went to support their friend--whether personal friends or co-workers. 

As far as geographical distance, that would be different and would really depend on how strong (or not) are the relationships.


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## Shalimar (Feb 22, 2018)

I agree with you James.


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## AZ Jim (Feb 22, 2018)

I attend very few funerals.  I will not have one and my wife feels the same so no harm ,no foul, cremation and it's over for us.


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## Shalimar (Feb 22, 2018)

No memorial service for me. I would like a living wake, if possible. One last party to celebrate my life. My son asked if I was up to it, could I do the cooking/baking? Loll. I think he is hoping for a freezer full.


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## James (Feb 22, 2018)

I've told my family no funeral or viewing/visitation.  Cremation and then the immediate family, my wife/children can dump them in a spot I have picked out in a nearby bush.  No fuss no muss.


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## ClassicRockr (Feb 22, 2018)

One thing about making a good-to-descent salary on a job, money is saved. I didn't make that good of salary, so........I couldn't save much. I financially wasn't able to go to either my step-mom or step-dad's funerals. Wife and I weren't financially able to fly to her mom's funeral or her BIL's. Even if we would've had the money, I seriously doubt if we would have gone. We just aren't "funeral" people.


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## CindyLouWho (Feb 22, 2018)

I see nothing wrong with you not attending, James, especially when you hadn't had contact with them in years. People should mind their own business and not worry who is in attendance & who is not, that is_ not why they are there. _

My father used to say the same thing you just said about if they don't bother visiting you when they are alive then why bother when you are dying or dead. When he was dying and then passed away, we honored those wishes. 

Also, totally agree " blood isn't always thicker than water".  Sometimes family members can be the most judgemental and uncompassionate people when it should be the opposite.....you would think.


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## C'est Moi (Feb 22, 2018)

No need for any excuses.   Do what is in your heart.


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## debodun (Feb 22, 2018)

I've heard that the only funeral you're obligated to attend is your own.


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## Jandante (Feb 22, 2018)

If people don't interact with me when I'm alive, I don't want them to attend my funeral.
Personally, I attend when I know someone, or occasionally to support a close friend when a family member passes.
I would not take any notice of the person who made a comment to James (who started this thread)  expecting 
him to attend funerals of people who have ignored him throughout the years.


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## twinkles (Feb 22, 2018)

cremation for me also


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## Aunt Bea (Feb 22, 2018)

I agree James.

No services for me, a direct cremation and right into the family plot!


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## Catlady (Feb 22, 2018)

The few funerals I have been to (a long time ago) I got the impression people just went as a social occasion, to see and meet other people.  They laugh and tell jokes, even out loud.  To me that is disrespect.  My daughter thinks they're 'celebrating their life'.  My mother used to tell me no one will come to MY funeral.  I told her and my daughter that I don't want one.  Just the immediate family to view, cremation, and dump me somewhere pretty.  No funeral or memorial and tell people about my passing long after and matter-of-factly.


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## applecruncher (Feb 22, 2018)

A couple rules which should, imo, be followed re: funeral attendance:

Don’t use the funeral as an opportunity to see/talk to an old flame (whether s/he is single or not) OR to see how well/poorly someone else has aged.

Don’t use the funeral as the opportunity to chastise anyone – about _anything _OR to air grievances about the deceased.

I know of cases where the above things have happened.  Incredible.  _Just boggles the mind. _​


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## treeguy64 (Feb 22, 2018)

I do not attend funerals, and don't plan to be at my own!  I am opposed to the concept of "closure," as I prefer to remember the relative/friend as he/she was in life, not as some morbid display of a waxy looking corpse.  This might have something to do with being led up to my grandfather's coffin, at the tender age of five, and being told to look at how peaceful he looked.  Ghastly, horrible, NEVER to be repeated, ever!  I hate the funeral industry, as well.  Blood sucking (literally) leeches who hide behind their faked sincerity and crocodile tears.


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## James (Feb 22, 2018)

My Parents went to get a price from one of our local funeral homes.  My jaw dropped when they told me the price.  Cremation, small family service, burial in a plot (that they already own)...$7000.00 EACH.  Just ridiculous.  That solidified my decision to be cremated, no service and dumped in a bush.  Must be the cheap Scottsman in me coming out.


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## Smiling Jane (Feb 22, 2018)

Has the criticizing cousin ever offered to help when you or your parents needed someone? Yeah, that's what I thought.

We have a couple of very low price cremation services in town. Regular funeral homes like to get you to buy all of the accoutrements, like a coffin for them to burn, viewing hours, burial and the works. No need for any of that.


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## Kadee (Feb 22, 2018)

A dear friend of ours passed away 7 months ago ,it cost his wife $300 on top of the price of the $9.000 funeral/ creamation  to feed the people who turned  up .
The people he and his wife had the most contact with over the years didn’t even bother turning up ...( he and his wife were Ballroom dancers for many years ) .most of the people who attended were greedy ( in my eyes ) church “friends” who I seen grabbing food and putting it in plastic bags they’d obiviously bought with them, then going back to,the table to grab more to eat there and then .

I’m not bashing church going people I’m just stating a fact of what I witnessed .


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## Kadee (Feb 22, 2018)

Costco sells coffins in Australia ,they don’t have them in the South Australian store as yet but I seen them in the Costco flyer


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## applecruncher (Feb 22, 2018)

To bring plastic bags to swipe extra take home food after a funeral = PIGGISH.
Sheesh.  That's beyond tacky.


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## James (Feb 22, 2018)

Kadee46 said:


> A dear friend of ours passed away 7 months ago ,it cost his wife $300 on top of the price of the $9.000 funeral/ creamation  to feed the people who turned  up .
> The people he and his wife had the most contact with over the years didn’t even bother turning up ...( he and his wife were Ballroom dancers for many years ) .most of the people who attended were greedy ( in my eyes ) church “friends” who I seen grabbing food and putting it in plastic bags they’d obiviously bought with them, then going back to,the table to grab more to eat there and then .
> 
> I’m not bashing church going people I’m just stating a fact of what I witnessed .



I've heard of Wedding crashers so Funeral crashers wouldn't surprise me in the least.


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## C'est Moi (Feb 22, 2018)

Usually in the southern states, people BRING food to the grieving family.


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## James (Feb 22, 2018)

C'est Moi said:


> Usually in the southern states, people BRING food to the grieving family.



Here in Canada there's a tradition that a light lunch is usually served following the service or burial...and yeah the family pays for it.  I've heard some attendees critiquing the sandwiches.


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## Kadee (Feb 22, 2018)

applecruncher said:


> To bring plastic bags to swipe extra take home food after a funeral = PIGGISH.
> Sheesh.  That's beyond tacky.



I was quite disgusted by what I witnessed ,I was sitting most of the time  ( we were 2 of the 6 dancing friends that attended Johns funeral) 
There would have been  35- 40 people there ,but personally knew 6 others ,so I just sat and watched ,and remembered the good times of being at a dance with J&B 
Johns widow  ( Beryl) latter told us all the rest of the people including her adult children were all the members of their church


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## SeaBreeze (Feb 22, 2018)

I've been to very few funerals, as a child my mother never took me to any of our relatives funerals.  My husband and I are just going to be cremated, we don't care much about the ashes, sent into the wind over the mountains, or like James said, dumped in a bush would be okay.  Several relatives also had simple cremations and no big funeral affair.


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## Butterfly (Feb 23, 2018)

James said:


> Families are complex beasts so I thought I would put this out for comments.
> 
> Recently a very distant Aunt passed (my father's sister).  The last contact I had with her was probably about 50 years ago, this is about the same with all of that side of the family.  I decided not to go.  My Father was fine with this.
> 
> ...



I agree with you, James.


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## HazyDavey (Feb 24, 2018)

C'est Moi said:


> No need for any excuses.   Do what is in your heart.



I feel the same way..


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## Warrigal (Feb 24, 2018)

I couldn't count the number of funerals that I have attended over the years.

The first ever was my fathers who died suddenly of a heart attack when I was 25 years old. It was for me a very traumatic event.
There were two services - one at the funeral parlour and another at the crematorium where I managed to read out a short poem that I had written praising him.

Since that day, when I was teaching in a Catholic high school, I would often attend the funerals of parents of students. Their school friends would also attend and I was part of the general organisation for the occasion. I never knew the deceased and often was unfamiliar with the orphaned child. I found these occasions heart breaking but there was also comfort in the rhythm of the liturgy. I learned something of the value of ritual at a time of high emotion.

Now that I am a regular attender at my own church, which has an ageing congregation, I attend the funerals of my friends and the church ladies always put on a sumptuous morning tea or light lunch for the family and other mourners. We make sure that the church is as presentable as possible, lawn mowed, foyer tidy, crisp white cloths on the tables etc. The family usually organises the flowers.

From our church we have farewelled my mother in law, my mother's sister who was my closest auntie, and my mother. For each service w were able to tailor the service to reflect the character of each lady. For my mother we even had a couple of the family dogs make an entrance to honour her kindness to animals. She would have loved that.

More recently I wrote and delivered the eulogies for my last surviving uncle and auntie who had no children of their own. I felt privileged to be able to honour each life at its close.

For myself, I do not care whether my ashes are placed in a niche or scattered on a garden but I want a Christian service. I would like my friends and extended family to come together and, if afterwards they tell stories about me and have a laugh, I would not mind in the slightest. This is what we do at these last farewells.


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## Aputernut17 (Feb 24, 2018)

We don't do funerals don't even plan to do our own... we don't even do weddings anymore, and we like this plan a lot.


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## jujube (Feb 25, 2018)

Kadee46 said:


> Costco sells coffins in Australia ,they don’t have them in the South Australian store as yet but I seen them in the Costco flyer



Walmart sells coffins on its website.  Can you see the shopping list:  eggs, potatoes, paper towels, canned corn, coffin......


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## Ruthanne (Feb 27, 2018)

I can't stand funerals but still go to those of ones close to me or other family.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Feb 27, 2018)

I agree James. The hubby and I want a very simple funeral. No viewing, or flowers. My Grandparents bought several plots years ago and I will be buried with the family. Any money that would have been spent on my funeral will go towards a reputable animal rescue group.


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## fmdog44 (Feb 27, 2018)

I never understood the ceremonies associated with death. My pet peeve is open caskets. To me that is the sickest of all rituals associated with death. What the hell are they looking at and why? Close the lid! If people knew what was involved in prepping the corpses for viewing they might agree with me.


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## Kadee (Feb 28, 2018)

The funeral for our dear friend John I mentioned on page 2 ,was an open casket .We choose  to remember John from the happy times we had together rather than seeing him in his coffin .


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## 911 (Feb 28, 2018)

My wife and I try to attend the funeral of family members. We haven’t made them all, but we have attended several. If there is a viewing prior to the funeral, we normally choose to attend that instead of the funeral. 

There was a terrible accident between two cars and a tractor trailer on the interstate that I patrolled and investigated in the early 90’s. Six members of the two families in the cars were killed. I attended the funerals of all six members. I think there were two separate funerals for the six victims. The families were very appreciative that I attended in uniform.


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## treeguy64 (Mar 18, 2018)

Never go, never will.  Won't go to my own, either!  They are a carryover from our uncivilized time.  The Funeral Biz is full of bloodsuckers, literally and figuratively. I don't buy the whole "closure" nonsense.  There is NEVER closure where the loss of loved ones is concerned.  I prefer to see the deceased as he/she was, in my lifetime, not as a morbid, waxy looking corpse in a hideously overpriced coffin.


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## OneEyedDiva (Apr 11, 2018)

I feel you had no obligation to attend the funerals of people who never bothered to keep in touch (or who you haven't seen in decades). And certainly the living who never kept in touch shouldn't have anything to say about it.


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## WhatInThe (Apr 14, 2018)

I'm not a fan. Some say part of the reason people are big on funerals is guilt. That's why they'll drop $50 on flowers or buy the most expensive casket. Personally a funeral should be a life celebration and more important a get together for friends and family to grieve, say hello, good bye etc.

It's nice that someone shows up at a funeral but how often did they same person stay in touch the deceased and family, especially in their final years. I don't care about funeral attendance as much as I do as who sent the cards and flowers while the person was still alive if you know what I mean.


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## debbie in seattle (Apr 14, 2018)

I wouldn't worry about it, it's your decision, just their opinion.


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## john19485 (Apr 14, 2018)

I will have a Military Funeral, I got my grandsons together, and this is what they requested, its all planed out ,


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## jujube (Apr 14, 2018)

Funerals tend to bring out the worst or the best in families.......unfortunately it's often the worst.  My different family branches have had some doozies over the years.  I probably could write a book.

The last funeral I went to was, thankfully, not for a family member but it was dreadful from start to finish.  AND cost over $20,000, to boot.  

There is a great little book called "Being Dead is No Excuse", an amusing treatise on how to properly throw a Southern funeral.  Good recipes, too.


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## WhatInThe (Apr 15, 2018)

jujube said:


> Funerals tend to bring out the worst or the best in families.......unfortunately it's often the worst.  My different family branches have had some doozies over the years.  I probably could write a book.
> 
> The last funeral I went to was, thankfully, not for a family member but it was dreadful from start to finish.  AND cost over $20,000, to boot.
> 
> There is a great little book called "Being Dead is No Excuse", an amusing treatise on how to properly throw a Southern funeral.  Good recipes, too.



So true, I've seen that play out. In several parts of the family there are those that look at the reception as another excuse to get drunk. After several years of high tension, a tension filled funeral followed by a holiday blowout I've seen families where members have not seen or talked since and others might see each other once a year and everyone is within driving distance-All from 'revelations' at the funeral. And I've seen some give scum brownie points for showing up even though they didn't communicate with the deceased for decades and others put in the dog house for anything from dress to donations. Ritual doesn't playout the way it did decades ago.


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## joel0711 (Jun 1, 2018)

cremation---funeral people can get their money some other place


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