# Day 1 with Collin



## Murrmurr (Dec 13, 2020)

Several other names came to mind first, but I’ll call Collin’s mom Tara. (Collin is also a made up name bc I'm prohibited from using his real name and posting pictures). So I was waiting at my back door when Tara dropped Collin off this morning, like she asked me to do, and when she got him out of her car I heard her tell him “Now, go to uncle Frank and no crying! You’re a big boy now. You don’t cry.” Good lord, the strain in his little face as he walked over to me; tension in his eyes and his brow, his lips clenched, his chin quivering; he was working so hard at not crying. And when he got up to me he looked up and said “Collin big boy” through a shaky smile. It was gut-wrenching.

For this to work – for the visits to continue – I have to be nice to Tara, but Collin was on the verge of busting loose with the water works so I scooped him up real quick, shouted thanks at his mom and took him inside. We hugged for a long time and of course I let him cry. Of course I did. What Tara apparently doesn’t understand, besides the fact that he’s a _little_ boy, is that if he’s allowed to cry it out, eventually he’ll be able to let it go, but if he’s forced to hold it in, he might hold it in forever. And maybe some day that will bust loose too, and maybe it won't be pretty.

Anyway, we had a great first day. He ate well. And I get why Tara doesn’t want Collin to keep calling me daddy but whenever he “slipped up” I didn’t make a thing of it, we just moved on. We played and colored and went for a walk, pretty much our usual stuff, and he was in a great mood. We had fun, but also we just relaxed and talked. He told me he doesn’t want to go home. I told him mom was going to pick him up on Monday and he cried.

We were doing potty training when he left, but he’s in diapers. He had diaper rash...not real severe but it looked uncomfortable. I put some Desitin on it and it already looked soothed by bed time. When we brushed our teeth he seemed out of practice. He cried at bath time and refused to sit in the tub. Collin wasn’t circumcised so I'm guessing maybe Tara thinks you have to pull back his foreskin to wash that area. You don’t. And on a little guy his age, you shouldn’t. I’ll talk to her about that. I took pictures of three scratches on the back of his neck and a bunch of smaller ones around his nose and one on his lip, and of a pretty ugly ½” slash, either a cut or maybe a burn on his ankle that looks about 3 days old and a little infected. I washed it up good and put some first-aid cream and a bandage on it. He scarfed down his usual nighty-night bowl of oatmeal (usual when he's _here_) and went to bed happy tonight.

(If this post sounds calm, just know there was a first draft. And a second.)


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## Gary O' (Dec 13, 2020)

I guess my question is.....has 'Tara' kept clean?


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## Murrmurr (Dec 13, 2020)

Gary O' said:


> I guess my question is.....has 'Tara' kept clean?


She consistently passes her twice-weekly drug  tests. I'm sure glad of that.


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## Pepper (Dec 13, 2020)

Can't even think of the words to express how wonderful a human you are Murrmurr.  I'm trying, when I find them I'll let you know!


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## Kathleen’s Place (Dec 13, 2020)

I thought about you two yesterday, hoping and praying that all was going well...so thank you for the update. I wish Tara would consider joint custody with you. How much less confusing and hurtful would it be for him to see you on a regular basis?  Maybe every other weekend or something?  A judge with any brain in his head, and heart in his body should have insisted on this for Collin’s sake. Thankful you have this time together...savor and enjoy


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## MarciKS (Dec 13, 2020)

Murrmurr said:


> Several other names came to mind first, but I’ll call Collin’s mom Tara. (Collin is also a made up name bc I'm prohibited from using his real name and posting pictures). So I was waiting at my back door when Tara dropped Collin off this morning, like she asked me to do, and when she got him out of her car I heard her tell him “Now, go to uncle Frank and no crying! You’re a big boy now. You don’t cry.” Good lord, the strain in his little face as he walked over to me; tension in his eyes and his brow, his lips clenched, his chin quivering; he was working so hard at not crying. And when he got up to me he looked up and said “Collin big boy” through a shaky smile. It was gut-wrenching.
> 
> For this to work – for the visits to continue – I have to be nice to Tara, but Collin was on the verge of busting loose with the water works so I scooped him up real quick, shouted thanks at his mom and took him inside. We hugged for a long time and of course I let him cry. Of course I did. What Tara apparently doesn’t understand, besides the fact that he’s a _little_ boy, is that if he’s allowed to cry it out, eventually he’ll be able to let it go, but if he’s forced to hold it in, he might hold it in forever. And maybe some day that will bust loose too, and maybe it won't be pretty.
> 
> ...


Do you plan to show the people that took him from you the marks on his body? If he's crying and not wanting to go home...I don't know. Can you get him to tell you if he's being hurt?


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## Pinky (Dec 13, 2020)

My heart is happy and sad at the same time. I'm so glad you and Collin are spending this time together @Murrmurr


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## SeaBreeze (Dec 13, 2020)

My heart goes out to little Collin @Murrmurr, he's really blessed to have you.  I also feel for you, it must be very upsetting to say the least to see him physically and emotionally hurt and unhappy.  You are a good and very kind man....much respect.


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## StarSong (Dec 13, 2020)

@Murrmurr, please enjoy the time you have with Collin and know that you soothe his soul.  

I was in a similar situation about 25 years ago. While it didn't end well for my family (after an emotionally grueling process the adoption didn't come to fruition) I hope and pray the little girl's life spun out well. 

My advice: Enjoy every moment you have with Collin but make no future plans.  
Fill him with laughter, kindness, joy, encouragement, self-confidence and bravery because those early influences may pull him through chaotic, difficult years.  

My heart goes out to you. Bless you for being this child's safe harbor and calming waters.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 13, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> Do you plan to show the people that took him from you the marks on his body? If he's crying and not wanting to go home...I don't know. Can you get him to tell you if he's being hurt?


He still doesn't talk very well; he's hard to understand but I do ask questions and so far none of his answers are alarming. I was advised by my CPS rep to document and/or photograph anything odd or suspicious but unless I see or hear something really egregious, like severe weight loss, obvious ****** abuse, bruises and broken bones, the court won't entertain any complaints I have at this point.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 13, 2020)

Pepper said:


> Can't even think of the words to express how wonderful a human you are Murrmurr.  I'm trying, when I find them I'll let you know!


Having been a single dad I went into foster care feeling well practiced. But Collin has taught me a lot on many levels.


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## Aunt Marg (Dec 13, 2020)

Give him lots of hugs and kisses, Mur.

They grow up so fast.


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 13, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> Do you plan to show the people that took him from you the marks on his body? If he's crying and not wanting to go home...I don't know. Can you get him to tell you if he's being hurt?


That is not his job and he should not do this, the pictures he’s taken will document he came with these issues as Tara could claim he caused them.  Slow and easy is the best course M, slow and easy.


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## Jules (Dec 13, 2020)

As Aneeda says, slow & easy.  

If/when Collin can express himself better, discreetly record & video.  You don’t want him telling Tara what is happening.  

Does Tara get child support for having him with her?


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## Murrmurr (Dec 13, 2020)

Jules said:


> As Aneeda says, slow & easy.
> 
> If/when Collin can express himself better, discreetly record & video.  You don’t want him telling Tara what is happening.
> 
> Does Tara get child support for having him with her?


Yes, exactly.
Tara gets welfare benefits and she was getting "housing support" from Sac County but she lives in another county now so I'm not sure about that one.


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## Murrmurr (Dec 13, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> That is not his job and he should not do this, the pictures he’s taken will document he came with these issues as Tara could claim he caused them.  Slow and easy is the best course M, slow and easy.


I took your earlier advice; remaining professional in my dealings with CPS and neutral but friendly and helpful as well as professional in dealing with Tara. It was good advice. Gets results.


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## Pecos (Dec 13, 2020)

Murrmurr, 
I am sure that there is a special place in heaven for a person like you. 
I find that what you are doing is inspiring!


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## Aneeda72 (Dec 15, 2020)

Hope it all went well


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## Murrmurr (Dec 15, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Hope it all went well


He cried so much when his mom came to pick him up I was afraid she wouldn't want to bring him back; I could see pain in her eyes. But she told him she would. She said "We'll come back to see uncle Frank real soon"  3 times and I feel like she meant it. And I told her "anytime" and she thanked me and said see you later, so that all felt positive. Then she called me later and said she wants me to be a part of Collin's life; to come to his birthday parties and holiday dinners and his graduation, etc. And I feel like she's doing it for him and that alone makes me feel hopeful (about their relationship).


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