# Visiting Mother Conflict



## Patnono (May 13, 2019)

I hope All mother's had a Wonderful mother's day!!!  Mostly my niece cares for my mom whom lives with my sister, I have several siblings.  They have put a Very restrictive visitation limit on us, 1-3 on Sunday only.  I believe it's because my niece is lazy and doesn't want to be bothered, I know her very well.  The thing is they are complaining that we don't help or visit???  They are Not being flexible, we have offered help, they never say anything, so how are we to know?  We always pitch in financially for anything my mom needs.  My niece does get paid for this.  We do so appreciate what she does.  What really has me Pissed is that my niece had put this on Facebook, that we didn't care about our mom???  I confronted her about this, she had nothing to say, but thought it was Funny.  My sister isn't speaking to me cause I asked if me and a sister could visit this past Saturday?  She didn't reply, I wrote again, she said she was busy, still never got back to me.  I gave her a week's notice.  We cannot always accommodate their time frame.


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## hollydolly (May 13, 2019)

Are you just venting Patnono?.. or are you looking for advice.?


 What does your mother have to say about all of this?


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## Patnono (May 13, 2019)

Both, I guess?  My mother has dementia and is deaf.  Mostly I'm angry that my niece is putting mistruths about our family on the internet for everyone to see.  We're good people who've gone out of our way to do what she needs.  I think my niece doesn't want to care for my Mom anymore?  She likes to run the streets.  I know being a caregiver is difficult, I've helped care for her myself.


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## Aneeda72 (May 13, 2019)

I have similarities with my brother and mother.  Mom lives alone, recently moved, and managed to break her ankle.  I sent an email to my brother asking for her new address.  Two weeks later I get an email telling me she broke her ankle, was in the hospital, and now in rehab. This must have happened three weeks ago.  Brother and wife are both retired.

But too busy to let me know what’s going on.

Also he was telling me what I could have and not have, in his opinion, when she died.  I said I’ll make it simply for you.  Take it all!  I have no interest in fighting for my 50% of her bits and pieces.  Just take it all.  My mother is not a nice person.  She’s 94 years old 
with no memory issues.  Just a nasty person.  I’m tired of all of them.  Lol.


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## Patnono (May 13, 2019)

I too had a bad relationship with my mom for most of my life, it got better as time passed.  Now with dementia she's not recognizing family members.  My niece is a Spoiled Brat, very self centered, does not like to be inconvenienced I believe that's Why she doesn't want to be flexible in letting us see our mom, but still wants to complain.  She doesn't even spend time with her kids.


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## hollydolly (May 13, 2019)

Patnono...I hope you don't mind me asking, but if your niece doesn't even want to spend time with her own kids, why is her grandmother , your mum, living with her? ..is there no-one else able to look after your mum?


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## Patnono (May 13, 2019)

She's getting paid to care for her, she is movtivated by money.  No one else can, the alternative is a convalescent home, my sister volunteered, I think now she might not want to do it?  She doesn't get out much,. Being a caregiver is a very difficult job, but treating us this way she is burning her bridges.


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## C'est Moi (May 13, 2019)

You seem bothered that your niece is getting paid, but then you say "being a caregiver is a very difficult job."   Sorry, but why should your niece be inconvenienced by others?   Either step up and help with your mother's care, or follow the rules set down by those who do.   You seem to find a lot to complain about.


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## SeaBreeze (May 13, 2019)

I cared for two elderly relatives in my home for several years, my husband and I did it voluntarily because of a serious stroke which caused one to be bedridden.  Bless your sister and her daughter for taking care of your mother, it is a full time obligation which demands time, patience and love, and yes, sometimes related expenses.

  If someone wanted to come over for a visit in my home, it would be welcome _only _during a specific time, that to me is not unreasonable whatsoever.  If Sunday is the day to visit, then you should cooperate, in my opinion if you want to see your mother.

  The comments on facebook shouldn't have been made, but then, I don't belong to facebook and feel that negative family matters should not be made public like that.


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## Patnono (May 13, 2019)

You totally did NOT understand what I wrote???  I don't care that she gets paid, I have my own money.  We do not inconvenience her, she wants to complain that we don't visit our mom, but when we do try she doesn't like it???  Giving someone a 2 hour window only One day a week is not being realistic???  We can't always make it within those restrictions???  I know for a FACT that she has nothing going on.  Her own mom complains about her.  I Really think she doesn't want to Care for her anymore.  We've offered help, she won't ask for it, but wants to complain that we don't.


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## AZ Jim (May 13, 2019)

You are defining the very kind of thing I would never want to be the cause of should I be incapacitated.  If anything comes my way now,  I want to just go...


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## Patnono (May 13, 2019)

We are totally appreciative that my niece n sister care for our mom, 2 hours a week is not realistic, I know there is NO reason why she can't be more flexible.  Iam fully aware of what her days are like, her mom has told me.   One of my brothers has a sick wife n 2 autistic kids and myself suffers from chronic illness. We have always paid for anything my mom needs and then some.  So we can always fit in the schedule. I've given them a week's notice, so most of us did not get to see her mother's day.


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## oldman (May 14, 2019)

My Dad died early during a fire and my Mom tried living alone, but was lonely all the time. I offered her to come live with my wife and me, but she thought that with us working that she would still be lonely. She went to live with my sister her last 25+ years and that worked out really well. She couldn't have gotten better care than what my sister gave her.


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## Patnono (May 14, 2019)

Sorry for your lost, that's Great that your sister took your mom in and is comfortable. I just wish my niece n sister could be more flexible.  And if they Can't, then don't complain.


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## Gary O' (May 14, 2019)

Patnono said:


> You totally did NOT understand what I wrote???  I don't care that she gets paid, I have my own money.  We do not inconvenience her, she wants to complain that we don't visit our mom, but when we do try she doesn't like it???  Giving someone a 2 hour window only One day a week is not being realistic???  We can't always make it within those restrictions???  I know for a FACT that she has nothing going on.  Her own mom complains about her.  I Really think she doesn't want to Care for her anymore.  We've offered help, she won't ask for it, but wants to complain that we don't.



Interesting???

Seems hereditary????


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## Knight (May 14, 2019)

Patnono said:


> She's getting paid to care for her, she is movtivated by money.  No one else can, the alternative is a convalescent home, my sister volunteered, I think now she might not want to do it?  She doesn't get out much,. Being a caregiver is a very difficult job, but treating us this way she is burning her bridges.


My wife & I having cared for my mother in law with no pay I can attest to the fact that caring for an aged mentally incompetent person is really difficult. Several times you have posted that you needed money and finally found a job in retail. Have you considered the cost to go to work, the pay vs. what you would get if you stayed at home caring for your mother. If you provided the care you wouldn't have to vent about anyone.


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## Sassycakes (May 14, 2019)

When my Dad passed away my Mom came to live with me. She was almost 80yrs old. I was not her favorite child and she picked on me a lot and always thought she would be better off living with my  older sister who was her favorite.I never told my sister because my Mother hated my sisters husband and would have made my sisters life hell if she lived with her. It was hard because my Mom was difficult with me,but I don't regret a minute of caring for her. I did tell my 2 children that if the time came that I would need to be taken care of for them to please put me in a nursing home.I would never want to put that kind of burden on them.


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## MeAgain (Jul 24, 2019)

Patnono said:


> Sorry for your lost, that's Great that your sister took your mom in and is comfortable. I just wish my niece n sister could be more flexible.  And if they Can't, then don't complain.



Looks like you've peeved off the clique here so if that is the case no explaination will satisfy them. Most of them are ok really they just have issues like the rest of us.
   My advice is just stop sending the checks and let them figure it our.


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## Sassycakes (Jul 24, 2019)

Does your niece pick the time she does because of her daily schedule and the other days are very busy for her to have visitors ?


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## Knight (Jul 24, 2019)

What conflict?

Your niece is being paid to care for your mother. Lucky you that is not an easy job. Even luckier, you have set hours to visit a mother that is deaf & probably doesn't recognize you. If you can't visit she probably wouldn't know. If it makes you feel better that you visit that is a whole other situation.Your concern that something negative is being put on the internet is almost funny. Only because who really cares what is written? I'm willing to bet no one on this forumn knows or cares what your neice writes. 

 To end the conflict when you do visit check your mothers condition take over the responsibility if while running the streets your niece neglects to properly care for your mother. 

Quote
"I think my niece doesn't want to care for my Mom anymore? She likes to run the streets. I know being a caregiver is difficult, I've helped care for her myself."


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## Patnono (Jul 24, 2019)

Knight said:


> What conflict?
> 
> Your niece is being paid to care for your mother. Lucky you that is not an easy job. Even luckier, you have set hours to visit a mother that is deaf & probably doesn't recognize you. If you can't visit she probably wouldn't know. If it makes you feel better that you visit that is a whole other situation.Your concern that something negative is being put on the internet is almost funny. Only because who really cares what is written? I'm willing to bet no one on this forumn knows or cares what your neice writes.
> 
> ...


I think you don't get it?  My sister n Niece have been complaining that we don't visitor offer assistance. Which is Not True. She needs to speak to us and let us know what's going on?  We don't Read mind's. I gurantee you, if someone in your family is putting mistrue information for the world to see, you would have a different opinion.  Remember prospective employers see these kinds of things?


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## win231 (Jul 24, 2019)

Aneeda72 said:


> I have similarities with my brother and mother.  Mom lives alone, recently moved, and managed to break her ankle.  I sent an email to my brother asking for her new address.  Two weeks later I get an email telling me she broke her ankle, was in the hospital, and now in rehab. This must have happened three weeks ago.  Brother and wife are both retired.
> 
> But too busy to let me know what’s going on.
> 
> ...


You are wise to uninvolved yourself.  Similar situation in my "family."  After our mom passed, my brother decided he wanted everything, so he started a court fight to try to change the will & trust.  He had no problem finding an attorney who knew he could make $400.00/hr. off his stupidity & he ran up a $55,000.00 bill.  He was unsuccessful, but since there were 3 properties involved, my sister & I had to fight it.  It took 7 years & he ended up having to sell his house to buy everyone out when he lost.  Hatred & greed can really cost.   My sister & I weren't surprised; our brother was our parents' biggest mistake - a convicted felon (fraud), deadbeat dad & all-around dirtbag.  I used to crack our dad up by asking him for DNA proof that I was biologically related to my brother.


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## Judycat (Jul 24, 2019)

No one ties your psyche in a knot like family. I'm sorry you are being bad-mouthed by your niece. It's painful being accused of things when you are allowed zero input. Some people, like your niece, and my own brother and his wife, like to create a lot of drama over their good deeds. This is not uncommon. I gave up a long time ago.


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## Butterfly (Jul 25, 2019)

Patnono said:


> I think you don't get it?  My sister n Niece have been complaining that we don't visitor offer assistance. Which is Not True. She needs to speak to us and let us know what's going on?  We don't Read mind's. I gurantee you, if someone in your family is putting mistrue information for the world to see, you would have a different opinion.  Remember prospective employers see these kinds of things?



I, myself, couldn't care less what a family ember might put on the internet about me about a family disagreement.  An employer isn't going to be concerned about a squabble among family members.  That's not the kind of stuff they are looking for.  

Lighten up and let go of it.  Life's too short.


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## Patnono (Jul 25, 2019)

Judycat said:


> No one ties your psyche in a knot like family. I'm sorry you are being bad-mouthed by your niece. It's painful being accused of things when you are allowed zero input. Some people, like your niece, and my own brother and his wife, like to create a lot of drama over their good deeds. This is not uncommon. I gave up a long time ago.


Yes, I'm dissapointed in her. They haven't given any reason for this?  My siblings and I are good and caring people, she would know that if she'd bothered to spend time with them? She NEVER cones to family gatherings. She knows Me, but didn't have the guts to tell us to our Faces?  When they've needed things for our mom, we took care of it, whatever I t was.


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## Knight (Jul 25, 2019)

I do get it. I'm not looking for approval just want to explain my wife & I cared for her mother that had alzheimers, we did this at no cost to other family members. When she died they were not in a position to help with expenses so we didn't ask. Some things in life are ours to take care of with no expectation of being paid. 

As for badmouthing you on the internet. Maybe it's payback from you badmouthing relatives. 

Jun 24, 2019
#1
My daughter n son-in-law lack EMPATHY. I didn't raise her that way. Seems that they Hate people? I hear how they talk about his family. I feel like I want nothing to do with them?
Jun 24, 2019

Apr 14, 2019
#1
About 30yrs ago 2 of my 2nd cousins did Horrible things to my grandparents, nothing physical, but financially ruined them. Who have long been deceased.


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## WhatInThe (Jul 25, 2019)

Setting aside the logistics, time and effort to care for the ill for your niece to post specific information about specific people where the actual name could be derived is ignorant right off the bat. It violates family and patient privacy. On facebook which is story in itself.

 Also family pushing a narrative like a politician is not uncommon. The niece wants something in this case time off or relief. So rather than say she is tired of it period she's throwing how messed up she thinks the family is to help rationalize/justify her actions and opinion. She's basically trying to gather allies wether it be friends or family. Why does she need them?


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## Don M. (Jul 25, 2019)

Things like this is why we decided to take out a Long Term Care policy several years ago.  We have good relationships with our family, and I would hope to keep it that way right up to the end.  I would Hate to burden our kids/grandkids with our troubles should old age catch up with us.


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## Patnono (Jul 25, 2019)

These are Facts that I spoke of.  The thing's my niece said we're NOT True,. There's a difference. We've been there for whatever they needed for our mother. You didn't live it we DID, and didn't blast it on Facebook for everyone to see.


Don M. said:


> Things like this is why we decided to take out a Long Term Care policy several years ago.  We have good relationships with our family, and I would hope to keep it that way right up to the end.  I would Hate to burden our kids/grandkids with our troubles should old age catch up with us.


That's great that you can afford to do that. I don't want to burden my children either. I told them to just put me in a convalescent home


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## Gary O' (Jul 25, 2019)

Patnono said:


> I think you don't get it? My sister n Niece have been complaining that we don't visitor offer assistance. Which is Not True. She needs to speak to us and let us know what's going on? We don't Read mind's. I gurantee you, if someone in your family is putting mistrue information for the world to see, you would have a different opinion. Remember prospective employers see these kinds of things?


Sometimes it's good to just dwell on all the positive...and *none* of the negative
True, posting untrue negative things for the world to see is defamation of character, and has negative impact on whoever is targeted
However, posting *anything *negative, whether true or untrue, on the web (like here, for instance) results in nothing good


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## 911 (Jul 25, 2019)

Maybe your niece is playing some type of psychological game with you by trying to get a reaction out of you. She knows that when she makes rules that you may not be able to abide by or make false statements about you and your siblings, then you come unglued and react. 

This is what sociopaths do for enjoyment. It sounds sick (and is), but she gets her kicks from it. Maybe you should try cooling it for awhile and give her something to really complain about.


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## WhatInThe (Jul 25, 2019)

Gary O' said:


> Sometimes it's good to just dwell on all the positive...and *none* of the negative
> True, posting untrue negative things for the world to see is defamation of character, and has negative impact on whoever is targeted
> However, posting *anything *negative, whether true or untrue, on the web (like here, for instance) results in nothing good


At least here most are completely anonymous. Here it's a niece complaining about their uncle. Facebook has names and other personal information attached to it. Facebook is a completely different animal. Many who started on facebook young probably have no clue about privacy and related issues.


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