# planning  Vacations or events with family .... is aggravating



## Jeni (Feb 27, 2022)

A year ago in March, I took a short holiday with my son and his spouse it was a lovely.....
we talked of the whole family coming so i rented a house and returned in July. This time with my daughter and her family despite the second guessing and questioning of house i picked etc ... it ended up a very fun few days

So upon returning home we all decided to find a centrally located place we can all go... my son +family...  along with daughter and family.... my husband and myself ..........and all three household households will be bringing their dogs ..... I rented in September and it is for the first week of April .... i reminded all if things change let me KNOW before Feb 1st to cancel and be 100% refunded........

Now everyone is being "well i don't know "...
"how is this going to work?" .............."who is bringing what ? "      and a bunch of "we don't eat this or that "

We have 3 different dietary restrictions and yet everyone else is only thinking of their own issues ..... they want a set menu ..
I am not sure i have vague menu plans like a taco night / make your own pizza etc BBQ night............. but had hoped they would step up in helping cook and plan etc. and bringing food .... that was the plan when i picked they dates and made sure everyone took them off etc .... now a few weeks out they are being fickle!

I paid for the house rental........ i will be bringing some food ........................but it seems reasonable for them to just chip in and help not second guess every move i make .... at this point i lose all my money if i cancel but i am so aggravated and it does not seem worth it.

I had always wondered when we took kids on vacation how those families that all came to same campground or resort did it .........but now i think they all must have been drinking non stop....
I may end up  staying in a house that sleeps  12 by myself for a week....


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## HoneyNut (Feb 27, 2022)

Jeni said:


> they want a set menu ..
> I am not sure i have vague menu plans like a taco night / make your own pizza etc BBQ night............. but had hoped they would step up in helping cook and plan etc. and bringing food ....


Is this house far away from restaurants and take-out places?  It sounds like it will be fun if the food issues can be resolved.  If there is a freezer maybe buy a lot of ice cream and junk food and maybe everyone will be content.


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## Alligatorob (Feb 27, 2022)

In my experience the best you can do is get input, find a place and time that seems attractive, not too hard to get to, pay for it yourself if you can, book it and hope.  Don't be too disappointed if everyone can't make, that's par for the course.


Jeni said:


> I may end up staying in a house that sleeps 12 by myself for a week....


Yep, that might happen, its just the risk you have to take.  Not yet happened to me, but it will one day.  You can always bring in some dancing girl or guys...  Or invite some friends at the last minute, that could work.

Kind of like herding cats, I think we just have to accept it.


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## Jeni (Feb 27, 2022)

HoneyNut said:


> Is this house far away from restaurants and take-out places?  It sounds like it will be fun if the food issues can be resolved.  If there is a freezer maybe buy a lot of ice cream and junk food and maybe everyone will be content.


Yes i am sure there are nearby restaurants but as we have one person with super low salt intake.... a gluten free person and a dairy free person i doubt we will find take out without spending a fortune...



Alligatorob said:


> Kind of like herding cats, I think we just have to accept it.


I see that more each day ...............the time and place was agreed upon house is PAID for and now people are making up issues regarding food....
If they do not wish to go speak up and not play these made up food  games ...
my daughter was complaining about "one time you made this horrible dinner...."
she was 12 at the time and recipe did not work out... she is now 31 time to let that crap go and be a team player....

think i will ask a friend to come instead if they back out as i am out the rental on the house anyway


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## Alligatorob (Feb 27, 2022)

Jeni said:


> now people are making up issues regarding food....
> If they do not wish to go speak up and not play these made up food games ...


Hard to imagine someone making a decision like this based on food.  You are likely right that isn't the real reason.

Good luck with it and enjoy the big house, with or without others!


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## AnnieA (Feb 27, 2022)

Jeni said:


> Yes i am sure there are nearby restaurants but as we have one person with super low salt intake.... a gluten free person and a dairy free person i doubt we will find take out without spending a fortune...
> 
> 
> I see that more each day ...............the time and place was agreed upon house is PAID for and now people are making up issues regarding food....
> ...



The food restriction people are being unreasonable in expecting you to provide a set menu around their needs.  I have celiac disease and do not expect a host to plan a meal around gluten free foods.   On pizza night, I'll bring a crust, BBQ night, I'll bring a bun.   The low salt person can bring low sodium sauces and toppings as well.  Same with soy cheese for the no dairy.  None of these subs are expensive for one person to bring along but could get costly for you to provide them all.

Sorry you're having to deal with this, but it doesn't sound as though they're willing to take responsibility for tweaking meals to make it work If they back out over this, I'd be highly tempted to tell them they're spoiled rotten and you'll never attempt it again.


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## Alligatorob (Feb 27, 2022)

AnnieA said:


> If they back out over this, I'd be highly tempted to tell them they're spoiled rotten and you'll never attempt it again.


How old is she?  I can remember backing out of a few things that I know others had planned for me without understanding the consequences.  The last time I was probably 25, it can take a while for the brain to mature.  It might not hurt to tell her something, privately, maybe you can figure out how to make her happy with it.  Or maybe not, you know her, I don't.


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## Jeni (Feb 27, 2022)

AnnieA said:


> The food restriction people are being unreasonable in expecting you to provide a set menu around their needs.  I have celiac disease and do not expect a host to plan a meal around gluten free foods.   On pizza night, I'll bring a crust, BBQ night, I'll bring a bun.   The low salt person can bring low sodium sauces and toppings as well.
> 
> Sorry you're having to deal with this, but it doesn't sound as though they're willing to take responsibility for tweaking meals to make it work If they back out over this, I'd be highly tempted to tell them they're spoiled rotten and you'll never attempt it again.


Yes i agree,
I basically said that this weekend...... It is easy enough to work around the GF person is not actually diagnosed as such but someone in his family is and he went gluten free and says he feels better.... i think i would be more understanding if it was a real medical item like the other 2 are.
the low salt  (husband) just does not eat items that may be there with high sodium.

Yes,... we may have different regular meals ..........and such but if everyone can add items buffet/ pot luck style ......
maybe we can learn new recipes etc ..... no one is expected we all are Gluten free / low salt and dairy free .....or eat anything they do not care for. 



Alligatorob said:


> How old is she?  I can remember backing out of a few things that I know others had planned for me without understanding the consequences.  The last time I was probably 25, it can take a while for the brain to mature.  It might not hurt to tell her something, privately, maybe you can figure out how to make her happy with it.  Or maybe not, you know her, I don't.


My daughter is 31 and yes a spoiled brat.... if i tell her that it will only escalates her issues....  
This will be last vacation i plan which is a shame .......as my only grandchildren are hers and they love it.....


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## Autumn72 (Mar 8, 2022)

I can't say I can help in this matter  however, if I was your daughter I would run at chance to share with you for sure. 
I for one, do wish I could see my grandson, his father will not 
 reveal their where abouts. 
A situation  that did not make things well for me.
Can't you directly ask them out the why this is causing the issue among them all.
Tell them what it means to you as a mother and a grandmother. 
Food for thought: 
As I am experiencing now, my estranged grand daughters are  not willing to tell me where my grandson is hiding.
Planning on anything is not happening here. As I am told she is quite busy with her little family and just had a miscarriage. 
The other one is wanting to go on a vacation yet she is being shun by sisters and their families for being with a abuser. 
I've never met her and she is 21. 
Very pretty they all are.
Here I am wasting words and your time. 
Say to each what I said above and as I know how much you long to see your grand children this is a real problem  among grand parents all over the world.
Maybe. Inviting the grands without the so called off-springs....don't know how that could work for you on collecting them becomes a huge effort. Well at least I gave my 2cents on this real common issue among US grandparents. Maybe even copy this and send to each adorable sweet adult children .....sorry I could not bring about your dream....I think of my mother. If she ever had ever, done this for me I would had worshiped the ground she walked upon for SURE!
MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. I'd be so honored if you sent this to them. And it's true. Busy is the truth daily for them.
Yet, you deserve the love they are not giving back to you!!!!!


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## Jeni (Mar 8, 2022)

@Autumn72  Thank you for helping me put this into perspective... There are those with bigger issues such as those who do not see grandkids

I am just a bit perplexed why she tends to see issues................ before any happen...... it makes the whole experience miserable.
I am beginning to see she does not like the fact she is not in control ...IMO.
I made some suggestions and told her if she wanted to make adjustments it will be easy to do. 
She does not get satisfaction if i do not react and bend over backwards for her.
so i said she can back out i will go with her brothers family and her family will be missed if they chose to not come....

I do not think she would let me take kids alone they are preschool age and this is their main vacation for her and SIL too.
I did not plan much when we were young because i too fretted over "what ifs" .... makes you miss out on a lot of things.


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## fuzzybuddy (Mar 13, 2022)

Jeni, I can tell you exactly what you did wrong. You invited "the family". Rookie mistake.


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## AnnieA (Mar 13, 2022)

Jeni said:


> I am just a bit perplexed why she tends to see issues................ before any happen...... it makes the whole experience miserable. ...
> 
> 
> ...I did not plan much when we were young because i too fretted over "what ifs" .... makes you miss out on a lot of things.



There are similarities here...


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## Jeni (Mar 13, 2022)

AnnieA said:


> There are similarities here...


yes i tried to show her it was not worth it using myself as an example ..... half my kids seems to only learn if it happens to them while the other half can just learn from others experiences.


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## AnnieA (Mar 13, 2022)

I'm glad you laughed, @Jeni


Jeni said:


> yes i tried to show her it was not worth it using myself as an example ..... half my kids seems to only learn if it happens to them while the other half can just learn from others experiences.



Say to her: "You sound just like your mother." ...IF you know for sure she's not coming ...


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## Jeni (Mar 13, 2022)

Well this is the last time I am doing this.....
Now as my spouse just changed jobs and my son did too .... they cannot get the time off so they will be there on the weekend and rest of the week just me and my daughters family so far....   at this point i am just taking whatever happens it is a beautiful house on a lake and i can just spend a quiet week ......
and now just have ONE dietary restriction to juggle


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## AnnieA (Mar 13, 2022)

Jeni said:


> Well this is the last time I am doing this.....
> Now as my spouse just changed jobs and my son did too .... they cannot get the time off so they will be there on the weekend and rest of the week just me and my daughters family so far....   at this point i am just taking whatever happens it is a beautiful house on a lake and i can just spend a quiet week ......



I hope your alone time there is wonderful.  Buy some beautiful flowers for the table, some girl pampering bath things, aromatherapy diffusers, play your favorite music full blast...


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## RadishRose (Mar 13, 2022)

Why are they looking to you for their food in the first place? Tell them to bring their own!


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## JMummey (Mar 13, 2022)

I am so sorry a fun getaway is being hampered by all of these things. I have a similar situation with my friends and my family members, each one either has issues with another person that may or may not be coming, with the food, the weather, the sleeping arrangements..the list just got longer and longer the more I tried to accommodate. No lie, I actually made 3 different kinds of chili for guests at one of my mahjong parties and the guests that had requested the other two types of chili were no shows to the event.  Needless to say, I changed my strategy about 4 years ago and I never waiver from it. It goes like this:  My husband and I plan our party or vacation.  We then send the date/time/location/cost (if any) and when to pay by to everyone and say please come, we would love to see you.  This strategy brings on the same avalanche of concerns and complaining but I now refer them to google.com to research the area if it is a vacation and I encourage them to bring their own meals for special diets if that is a concern.  Be strong! You are going to have a wonderful time


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## bingo (Mar 13, 2022)

this sounds like a  ..walking  on eggs.
.type of experience....no fun...no easy people...I'd never  do it again


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## Autumn72 (Mar 13, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> Why are they looking to you for their food in the first place? Tell them to bring their own!


EXCUSES NOT TO COME because just maybe they are all in a bad mood trying to make ends meet, keeping the little ones clean and fed, working and juggling
School, laundry, housework, cooking and hoping to get some me time with hubby or simple alone time with no money to go on a real vacation somewhere else.
Sadness  and loneliness with all that demanding upon them can be a sure bummer...?still who appreciates anything until your older and alone


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## jujube (Mar 13, 2022)

My late husband and I always joked that we divided family and friends into the following categories:

   A.  People you can go on vacation with.

         A.1. People you can go camping with.

         A.2. People you can go camping with when                    it's raining.

   B.  People you can't go on vacation with.


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## Lavinia (Mar 14, 2022)

This sounds as though it's one of those things which seemed a good idea at the time but now everyone is having second thoughts. You get on well with the individual members of your family, but they don't get on that well with each other.
Would a compromise be possible? If you stay at the house and your family each spend a couple of days with you, rather than them all being there together?


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## Aunt Bea (Mar 14, 2022)

I don't mean to sound rude or cold, but IMO the stress is coming from you and not from the kids.

Rent the house, give the kids the dates and the address, let them know they are welcome, that you'll make the coffee in the morning, cook dinner on Tuesday, the rest of the time they are on their own. 

Try to relax and have fun!


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## Jeni (Mar 14, 2022)

jujube said:


> My late husband and I always joked that we divided family and friends into the following categories:
> 
> A.  People you can go on vacation with.
> 
> ...


Thanks these are good categories.....  
I really do not know anymore what sets these folks off...... i gave them 6 months notice.......... and maybe that was just too much time...
we will all be there the beginning weekend ...... i no longer care about who does what after that.

i already paid for place so i will just enjoy myself and they can do whatever....  I just find these folks will never be content with plans


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