# When you are getting older but have even older parents



## Wintermint (Apr 18, 2017)

I'm 66 this year. Sadly my father died 2.5 years ago after he and my mother moved to our town to be close to me in their old age a few year prior to that. I am an only child. I saw them most days after they moved here and did things for them that they no longer could do for themselves as my father had poor mobility, despite being mentally very alert, for the last few years of his life.

My mother is 90 and fit as a fiddle. She comes out walking with me and my dogs for an hour several times a week. She does her own shopping and most of her own housework. Her sight is very poor though and her hearing is going, both of which issues make her more reliant on me these days.

I see her every day more or less, take her out for a drive now and again and also do things she can't - for example I spent a couple of hours today filling in tax forms for her.

I struck me that with the population getting older and so many more of 'us' around there must be many many people who are beginning to feel the impact of their own advancing years, who are having to look after and do a lot to help their even older parents or relatives, many of who still see us as 'young one'. My mother often refers to 'you young ones' Lol!

I'm new to this forum and I'm sure this must have come up before, but I just wondered if people who welcome the chance to share their experiences of this - both positive and perhaps not quite so much.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Apr 18, 2017)

My friend since junior high school wrote a book about caring for aging parents after caring for her parents-both of whom suffered from dementia. She writes with humor but brutal honesty as well. Another friend who has lost both of her parents to Alzheimers in the past year purchased copies for all three of her kids,knowing they may very likely be faced with caring for her in the future. I highly recommend this book.....https://www.amazon.com/Elder-Rage-Take-Father-Please/dp/0967970318


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## jujube (Apr 18, 2017)

I just got home after six weeks of caring for my mother after multiple surgeries.  It wasn't easy, physically or emotionally.


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## SeaBreeze (Apr 18, 2017)

Both my and my husband's parents have passed on, but in their later years when my husband's parents became very sickly and one suffered a major stroke which left him paralyzed and bed ridden, we moved them into our home for their last years.  Both with wheelchairs and one needing everything done for him, it was a trying time for all of us. But we were happy not to send them to a nursing home and make their last days as enjoyable as possible.  We don't have any children, so when we become elderly to the point where we need assistance, we'll have to see what avenues are available at the time to help us.

Wintermint, it's great that your mother is so active at her age and very good of you to help her when she needs it.  I love the fact that she goes out walking with you and your dogs too.  By the way, the dog in your avatar is very cute, looks like a Norfolk Terrier.


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## Lois (Apr 18, 2017)

*Yes I have done that.  Both my parents are gone now with Dad dying in 2003 and Mom in 2010.  When my Dad suddenly died unexpectedly, I immediately had to move Mom in with us.  She had the beginning stages of Dementia.  I kept her till I could no longer care for her. She fell several times and then would lock herself in the bathroom and I couldn't get to her.
Mom and I were so close before this terrible disease, but then while caring for her, I became her enemy which was very hard.  She lived with us 4 yrs. and then I had to put her in a nursing home.  I went there 3 times a day everyday for another 4 yrs.  she would not take any nourishment from anyone but me.   I was in my 60's while caring for her.   It definitely took it's toll on me, but I would gladly do it all over again.  This was probably more than you wanted to know.*


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## Wintermint (Apr 19, 2017)

SeaBreeze said:


> Both my and my husband's parents have passed on, but in their later years when my husband's parents became very sickly and one suffered a major stroke which left him paralyzed and bed ridden, we moved them into our home for their last years.  Both with wheelchairs and one needing everything done for him, it was a trying time for all of us. But we were happy not to send them to a nursing home and make their last days as enjoyable as possible.  We don't have any children, so when we become elderly to the point where we need assistance, we'll have to see what avenues are available at the time to help us.
> 
> Wintermint, it's great that your mother is so active at her age and very good of you to help her when she needs it.  I love the fact that she goes out walking with you and your dogs too.  By the way, the dog in your avatar is very cute, looks like a Norfolk Terrier.



He's actually a Border Terrier. We have two of them. Great little dogs with lots of spirit!

Some sad and also not so sad experiences it seems. People do what they have to I guess, mostly without complaint. Complaining never helped anything!


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## NanaSarah (Apr 25, 2017)

I was fortunate that my parents moved from the town they'd lived in for 75 years moved 90 miles to the town where my husband and I chose to live after he retired from the Army.   We found a nice apartment for my parents about 2 blocks from our house, and they lived there for about 2 years before Dad had a stroke and Mom needed help caring for him.  It was pretty easy because they were so close.  When he passed away 4 years later, we started noticing my mother had signs of dementia.  My kids hadn't grown up with their grandparents as we were moving around with the military, but they were wonderful.  When it became obvious mom could no longer live alone, my daughter and family bought the house next door to hubby and I and moved Mom in with them.  As her Alzheimer's progressed, I took on a lot of her care, and she was able to stay with them for 6 years.  

Her doctor finally told us it was time she get fulltime nursing care.  We put her in a lovely Alzheimer's care facility about a mile from our house, so we visited her multiple times per day.  Yes, caring for them took a lot of hard work, got frustrating and exhausting at times, but I am so glad we were able to be here for them both.  My grandchildren got the opportunity of a great grandmother who adored them living with them and remember her very fondly.  

There were a few issues with my mother wanting to remain as the matriarch and not have daughter or I "take over" any of her care...but that all changed immediately when she went into the facility.  We could once again be her family instead of her care givers, and that brought her a lot of joy.  We could ask her advice.  Share our secrets.  Or just sit and ask her about "the olden days"...instead of worrying about her taking her pills, getting her into and out of the shower and dressed, getting her to eat meals, etc.  She was hard of hearing, and sat in a recliner chair at the end of her bed.  I would lay down on her bed with my head towards her, so I was fairly close to her ear level and she could hear most of what I said.  We had so many delightful conversations this way!  

I will never regret caring for she and my father, and I felt terribly guilty when she had to move to an Alzheimer's facility.  BUT, thinking back, the facility turned out to be the BEST solution for everybody.  So, if you're in a position to put your loved one into a facility, commit to visiting frequently and enjoy being a daughter/son instead of a caretaker.  I don't feel guilty at all about it...sometimes what seems like an awful solution turns out to be a good one.   hate to think of those of you who are dealing with elderly parents and their failing health would feel guilty making what, it turns out much of the time, to be the best choice for everybody!  Blessings to all of you who are in the midst of this difficult time of life!


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## GypsyRoadLady (Sep 27, 2017)

Life is strange isn't it? We do what we have to or can. Sometimes we don't ask for it or like it. 

We had made a life decision to relocate for work and it would get us South for when we retire. 9-2013. 11-2013 mom was given 6 months. My Crazy Train started and I could not jump off. I logged 76,000 miles in 1 1/2 years. I would drive to TN from Mi stay two days maybe and drive back. I mean someone had to sit in the Nursing home with Mom, someone had to attend to dad who could not deal with life or shop. In the end I let it ruin our dream, we sold our new home and moved back. Now I go every other week for a 6 hour round trip to dad's. I got bitter inside to be honest, I did not ask for this weight. I worked my way through this for the most part.


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## OldBiker (Sep 27, 2017)

GypsyRoadLady said:


> Life is strange isn't it? We do what we have to or can. Sometimes we don't ask for it or like it.
> 
> We had made a life decision to relocate for work and it would get us South for when we retire. 9-2013. 11-2013 mom was given 6 months. My Crazy Train started and I could not jump off. I logged 76,000 miles in 1 1/2 years. I would drive to TN from Mi stay two days maybe and drive back. I mean someone had to sit in the Nursing home with Mom, someone had to attend to dad who could not deal with life or shop. In the end I let it ruin our dream, we sold our new home and moved back. Now I go every other week for a 6 hour round trip to dad's. I got bitter inside to be honest, I did not ask for this weight. I worked my way through this for the most part.



My wife is in the same boat. She takes care of her 99 year old mother from 10:00 a.m. on Tuesday to 10:00 a.m. on Tuesday and her sister does the same thing, alternate weeks. She has a 4 hour round trip. There were only 2 girls in the family. Her and her sister are getting burned out to say the least. They're both doing the best to their ability. Their mother is not the same person as she used to be. They noticed that she starting changing personality when she turned 90. I realize that I'm being selfish but my brother-in-law and I are 75 and 77 years old and feel that we're missing out on our golden years by 
having to bachelor it while in our golden years. Neither of us are free to go on vacations, etc.

I realize that this too shall pass.


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## OldBiker (Sep 27, 2017)

(Continuation)

We might change our minds but my wife and I decided that we don't want to live past 90 years old because we don't want to be a burden nor go to a nursing home. I have 3 kids from my short lived marriage so I know my kids won't take care of me nor their step mother. My wife mentioned at one time that we might want to consider moving close to her daughter (she only has one child and she was adopted at the age of 3 weeks). She mentioned it to her daughter and her daughter said right away, "After seeing what you and your sister are going through, I know that I won't be able to take care of you and/or him by myself so please don't count on it."


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## Lethe200 (Sep 27, 2017)

DH and I are in our early 60's. My mother lived with us for 5 yrs, then a joint family decision was made for her to move to LA to be nearer my half-brother, her only son. His wife welcomed Mom and helped make her final years very happy. Mom lived in a senior residential facility.

The reason she had to move was that my MIL needed to come live with us, and we only have 1 spare bdrm. MIL lived with us 7 yrs but dementia made her anxious and isolated. Didn't help that our lifestyles were completely incompatible. I finally insisted we research full-service senior facilities - fortunately money was not a problem for MIL - and we picked one after 18 mos of research and multiple visits.

MIL was reluctant at first to leave but within a few weeks was enthusiastic and loving her new digs. The regular routine and helpful, smiling staff made her anxiety disappear. She became once again the cheerful, sociable person she had been 10 yrs earlier before her DH died. She had been feeling 'old', only to find that at her dining table of three other residents, she was the youngest, at 84!

Moving her was THE BEST thing we ever did. She got so into life there at "the campus" we had to make appointments with her to get together; otherwise she was "too busy"! She died peacefully in her sleep and so many residents and staff came up to offer their sympathy, it was heart-warming. She was very loved there.

Now it's our turn to research facilities for ourselves. We love our home but can see the time is coming when it's just going to be too much bother to clean, garden, maintain, etc. Many options for staying in our area, just have to pick the right one. 

We have no children (our decision) so purchased LTCi policies long ago. Hope we'll never have to use them, but better to have the financial backstop just in case.


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## Goldilocks (Nov 27, 2017)

My husband and I made the decision over 4 years ago to take in my aging parents after my mother was diagnosed with dementia and my father could not look after her on his own anymore.  Sadly, 6 months after being a full-time caregiver, my mother passed away.  In Canada we have to go through a long process to get any type of in-home care through an agency called CCAC.  It was 2 weeks before my mothers death that we finally were getting 6 hours a week.  In the meantime we also noticed how my dad was going downhill.  He was also diagnosed with dementia after going out for a drive in his car twice in a week and getting lost.  The first time the police bought him home and the second time I got a call from a shopkeeper who had a very confused man in his store.  My husband doesn't retire till the end of next year so the brunt of the work fell upon me once again.  A few months ago he fell in his bathroom and had to be hospitalized where my dad became very aggressive and the doctor told us he needed to be put on a "crisis list" for a long term care facility.  He is now in one, and while I do have a bit more time to myself, I find myself still running after him as he is demanding.  I guess what I am trying to say is for anyone considering taking in their parents, think very long and hard because once it is done, you will probably end up feeling broken, like I am.  It is a tough job with little support, and believe me, family is quit to offer advice, but rarely were any of them there when I needed help.  It is going to take me a while to get over feeling guilty about my dad, and trying to get my-self back after so much stress and heartache.  It is a tough job.


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## CindyLouWho (Nov 27, 2017)

I'm in my mid-50's & although I don't have my parents in my life anymore (lost my father when I was 21 and my mother when I was 46), I can certainly feel for & respect those who are lovingly & willingly taking care of their parents. They are so fortunate to have you & for you to still have your parents in your life.


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