# suspecting elder abuse



## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

very worried about my dad with recent behavior from cohabitating partner. would someone be interested in talking about this? worried this may be abusive.


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## hollydolly (Jun 8, 2021)

lovemydad said:


> very worried about my dad with recent behavior from cohabitating partner. would someone be interested in talking about this? worried this may be abusive.


This is frightening for you, is there any way possible you could install unobtrusive CCTV cameras?


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> This is frightening for you, is there any way possible you could install unobtrusive CCTV cameras?


Not sure. they have been together for 40 years. Never had reason to not trust but there was a recent physical incident involving the police ( my dad being the victim) and now a big push to move out of the house he has owned since 1973. No will. he has early onset dementia. worried he will lose all he worked for. my ONLY concern is with his well being and the ability to provide proper care longterm. I have no need for inheritance and he isnt a wealthy man. however there are filial laws in my state. I dont mind caring for him financially but I certainly don't want his money going to her and her family and not to his care. threy never married because she wanted to collect her ex husbands pension. it has always been about money.


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## Pepper (Jun 8, 2021)

Did police involvement lead to any charges?  What actually happened?  Who is pushing your dad out of the home and what reason is given?

Did dad ever call "roommate" his wife?  

I think you might need an attorney.


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## Lara (Jun 8, 2021)

Yikes!
Does your area have a FREE Mobile Intervention program?
They can come out and talk with the 3 of you to work things out.

I'd go with a mediator before using an attorney since they're more expensive by far....BUT I'm no expert in this area

`


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

than


Pepper said:


> Did police involvement lead to any charges?  What actually happened?  Who is pushing your dad out of the home and what reason is given?
> 
> Did dad ever call "roommate" his wife?
> 
> I think you might need an attorney.


thankful for all input. this is just so hard. She has been in my life for 40 years so having these gut feelings and suspicions is keeping me up at night. despite the non-marital partnership, most of us have tried to form a familial unit. ( Parents, kids, grandkids )Her kids unaware of the incident involving the police. Yesterday< I called and wanted to bring my college aged kids over to help with some cleaning around the house.  she became very insistent that we come at another time because she would be out most of the day.  big red flag for me.


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

Lara said:


> Yikes!
> Does your area have a FREE Mobile Intervention program?
> They can come out and talk with the 3 of you to work things out.
> 
> ...


I dont know


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## Lara (Jun 8, 2021)

Use google. I can't do it for you because it depends on your area only you know where you live


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

Know how hard this is for me. I am NOT confrontational. my sister has had severals discussion with the two of them about finances but I think it may be time for the 2 of us together.  this WILL cause a rift in the "family" as there is NO doubt sides will be taken. Exactly what I've worked 40 years to keep from occurring. I just want to be certain that my suspicions don't seem paranoid thus my reaching out to you all on this thread.


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

Lara said:


> Use google. I can't do it for you because it depends on your area only you know where you live


I can look it up. Never knew that was possible.


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## Lara (Jun 8, 2021)

You can try googling "social services near me" and ask them where you can find some help

I have never been in this situation so listen to advice from other members here as well


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

Lara said:


> You can try googling "social services near me" and ask them where you can find some help


I have. I'm hesitant to go down that road because they take reports seriously ( as well they should). My dad loves her and he's 86. she's 76. afraid she will jet and leave him alone which would be devastating to him. she has attempted/ threatened to leave before ( another thing her kids are unaware of ) > my friend told me I need to get some balls and confront. probably alot of truth to that statement.


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## Martha Ferris (Jun 8, 2021)

lovemydad said:


> I have. I'm hesitant to go down that road because they take reports seriously ( as well they should). My dad loves her and he's 86. she's 76. afraid she will jet and leave him alone which would be devastating to him. she has attempted/ threatened to leave before ( another thing her kids are unaware of ) > my friend told me I need to get some balls and confront. probably alot of truth to that statement.


Here is a web site to help you:  Elder Abuse | National Institute on Aging (nih.gov)


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## Lara (Jun 8, 2021)

lovemydad said:


> ...my friend told me I need to get some balls and confront. probably alot of truth to that statement.


Well, if you don't have balls by now you probably aren't going to get that (I assume you're a senior)
That's not exactly something you're born with...so to speak 
And sometimes being aggressiveness can escalate....be smart, be strong, but be careful


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

So, here are the things I've personally observed over the course of the last year.

* one incident of physical abuse warranting police involvement
* sudden desire to move ( house in his name only) 
* seeming attempts to keep his kids from being with him alone, using his dementia, as an excuse.
* constant reference to his not having any money and her paying all or most of the bills. This has been a recurring narrative over the course of 40 years
* statements of her not being with him for the money
* slights of criticism of his thoughts, behavior, competence, etc. 

Please give advise: Is this being paranoid on my part? she is the only real mother figure Ive had since my Mom died when I was 6. 
Just want to get this right and make sure my dad is safe and taken care of.


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

Lara said:


> Well, if you don't have balls by now you probably aren't going to get that (I assume you're a senior)
> That's not exactly something you're born with...so to speak
> And sometimes being aggressiveness can escalate....be smart, be strong, but be careful


I'm 57. definitely Mama bear when it comes to my kids and my sweet husband. guess I need to "man -up" for my dad.


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## hollydolly (Jun 8, 2021)

lovemydad said:


> So, here are the things I've personally observed over the course of the last year.
> 
> * one incident of physical abuse warranting police involvement
> * sudden desire to move ( house in his name only)
> ...


Honestly before I went down any other roads, I would install tiny cctv cameras in their house , it would need both of them out for the day but.. get them in the main areas.. livingroom, kitchen bedroom..unobtrusive obviously,..then you have proof positive if abuse is taking place...


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> Honestly before I went down any other roads, I would install tiny cctv cameras in their house , it would need both of them out for the day but.. get them in the main areas.. livingroom, kitchen bedroom..unobtrusive obviously,..then you have proof positive if abuse is taking place...


with the exceptions of the physical altercation, her other behavior is very much on the down-low. she is a smart woman, although I cant be sure about the kinds of conversations they have in our absence. I guess cameras could show something we aren't aware of now


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## MrPants (Jun 8, 2021)

I'm not expert in these matters either but the list of issues you stated does not sound like their situation is a loving relationship.
Who's pushing the 'want to move' issue? Her or your Dad?
What does YOUR husband think of all this? Is he supportive of your suspicions or does he not want any part of it? Having him at your side should you decide to confront her would be a good idea. Confrontation is not usually something that goes down well. It does send a message that you're onto her games but she would become ultra secretive and 'unavailable' after the confrontation and there's no going back to the way things used to be.
Installing cameras, good yes but I don't know how you could possible do that unless they were out of the house and you had access.

Help from an outside seniors agency dealing in these matters would be best in my opinion. Maybe try some googling of Agencies Dealing in Elder Abuse and see what that turns up for you.

Good luck. I can imagine how upsetting this is to you


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## bingo (Jun 8, 2021)

which person called police.. her or him?...
yes.. sad...is your dad asking you for help in moving?
he may say no to your intervention..unless you get power  of attorney  no much you can do..
I am so sorry


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

MrPants said:


> I'm not expert in these matters either but the list of issues you stated does not sound like their situation is a loving relationship.
> Who's pushing the 'want to move' issue? Her or your Dad?
> What does YOUR husband think of all this? Is he supportive of your suspicions or does he not want any part of it? Having him at your side should you decide to confront her would be a good idea. Confrontation is not usually something that goes down well. It does send a message that you're onto her games but she would become ultra secretive and 'unavailable' after the confrontation and there's no going back to the way things used to be.
> Installing cameras, good yes but I don't know how you could possible do that unless they were out of the house and you had access.
> ...





MrPants said:


> I'm not expert in these matters either but the list of issues you stated does not sound like their situation is a loving relationship.
> Who's pushing the 'want to move' issue? Her or your Dad?
> What does YOUR husband think of all this? Is he supportive of your suspicions or does he not want any part of it? Having him at your side should you decide to confront her would be a good idea. Confrontation is not usually something that goes down well. It does send a message that you're onto her games but she would become ultra secretive and 'unavailable' after the confrontation and there's no going back to the way things used to be.
> Installing cameras, good yes but I don't know how you could possible do that unless they were out of the house and you had access.
> ...


She is pushing the move. more so since the police incident. He is just starting to consider it most likely because she has his ear.  He loves his home and we kids can make any accommodations and can provide help ( I'm almost always available in person myself) My husband has been suspicious of her for over 20 years. Bad vibes almost since the beginning of our 30 year relationship. He would only intervene if I asked. Barricade the door when that happens. Confrontations Will destroy the family so there are others to consider as well.


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

bingo said:


> which person called police.. her or him?...
> yes.. sad...is your dad asking you for help in moving?
> he may say no to your intervention..unless you get power  of attorney  no much you can do..
> I am so sorry


HE DID, shockingly


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## bingo (Jun 8, 2021)

lovemydad said:


> HE DID, shockingly


you need to quietly  draw up poa  papers...take him to sign...sell house  and move out better than  turmoil at his age...whatever  the loss


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

bingo said:


> which person called police.. her or him?...
> yes.. sad...is your dad asking you for help in moving?
> he may say no to your intervention..unless you get power  of attorney  no much you can do..
> I am so sorry


My daddy is a proud man. though I have sensed a nervousness about him lately. he would not want to get us involved in something he considers so personal.  he gets confused at times but is lucid 85-90% of the time.  My sister has been trying to get him to make out a will. any kind of documentation of his wishes.  she is already a POA on health concerns, along with his partner. not sure about financials. I know the partner is "executor" for his savings account, which is a bit substantial for one who supposedly has no money, according to her.


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## Pepper (Jun 8, 2021)

If she had been his legal wife, instead of "roommate" would you feel differently?


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## bingo (Jun 8, 2021)

lovemydad said:


> My daddy is a proud man. though I have sensed a nervousness about him lately. he would not want to get us involved in something he considers so personal.  he gets confused at times but is lucid 85-90% of the time.  My sister has been trying to get him to make out a will. any kind of documentation of his wishes.  she is already a POA on health concerns, along with his partner. not sure about financials. I know the partner is "executor" for his savings account, which is a bit substantial for one who supposedly has no money, according to her.


your hands are tied...I suggest removing your emotions and yourself from all this as much and as soon as you can.......
he's  decided all this...you cannot  undo it...I am sorry...your own health is important  too


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## Lara (Jun 8, 2021)

Well, bingo, he may not have decided all this...depending how far his dementia has progressed.

All questions are rhetorical if you are uncomfortable. I'm just asking so you can think about them.

1. You said she's keeping his kids away. Sounds like she has something to hide. Is she over medicating him to get rid of him quicker since she is so unhappy with him and wants to move out?
2. You said she was guilty of physical abuse with police being called....I don't mean to scare you but are there guns in the house?
3. Are they married by law?...aka lived together for 7 years? (laws vary state to state...check out the law in your area)
4. Is your dad able to talk about this with you coherently?
5 Have you seen the will? First she said she didn't want his money...and then she said  he had no money and she pays all his bills...her story is inconsistent which may mean he may have money and she wants it....of course the house is an asset she may be holding out for! She may have blackmailed him to sign it all to her and wants him to go quickly before he changes the will.

I don't want to put things in your mind that aren't there. I don't know you or them so anything I say can be false assumptions. But this happens so be aware.

I agree with MrPants...I don't see how you can install cameras without her knowing since she lives there. You can legally I guess since the house isn't in her name, unless...Is she married-by-law to him. Are you positive the house is not in her name?


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

Pepper said:


> If she had been his legal wife, instead of "roommate" would you feel differently?


very good question and one I have also considered. she would not have to sneak around if there was a marriage. For  40 years I have heard why she didn't marry my dad. It was always because her deceased husband had a good pension which she would not have access to should she remarry. She always made sure that financials were kept separate. she had a house which she sold years ago when she moved in with my dad. she had insurance from her former husband's death. she has his pension. she has his ss benefits which were higher then hers would have been. Supposedly, from everything she has ever said, she is in great financial shape,  she has told us girls for the last 40 years that my dad always wanted us to have the proceeds from the house ( she didnt need them) to be split 3 ways between us. My dad has said the same. However, when my sister had a discussion with them about my dad getting a will in place, she suddenly had a change of heart . since that time and the other incident, which has only been in the last two months, there is an escalation in the desire to move. I don't want proceeds for my personal benefit. I want to have access to $ for his long term care, which will more likely be needed.  He has his house and some savings. no life insurance. funeral is paid for.  SS and a small pension. just want him to have really good care should the time come.  we will do what we can but we all have obligations as well. my sister has a child who will never be able to live alone to consider.


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

bingo said:


> your hands are tied...I suggest removing your emotions and yourself from all this as much and as soon as you can.......
> he's  decided all this...you cannot  undo it...I am sorry...your own health is important  too


yes , I know. I tried. it isnt even about the money for me. it is the deceit around the money that is so hard to get past and my concern for his safety and well being.


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## Judycat (Jun 8, 2021)

If you are this concerned, get someone who has experience with elder abuse to check things out for your own peace of mind.


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

Lara said:


> Well, bingo, he may not have decided all this...depending how far his dementia has progressed.
> 
> All questions are rhetorical if you are uncomfortable. I'm just asking so you can think about them.
> 
> ...


*absolutely positive house is in his name only. my suspicion as to why the sudden move to sell and purchase new home using his proceeds to put house in both their names. * Yes, I am a bit concerned about medications though he is at his doctors office for regular visits and he has been with this same doc for years.  *I took his guns out of the house after the police intervention. I believe hers is still there. *  No will.  *Her change of stories has my radar going on alarm mode.


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

Judycat said:


> If you are this concerned, get someone who has experience with elder abuse to check things out for your own peace of mind.


more than likely, my next move.


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## Judycat (Jun 8, 2021)

lovemydad said:


> more than likely, my next move.


Yep probably the best one. At least there will be a record made of your concerns.


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## Lara (Jun 8, 2021)

Martha Ferris said:


> Here is a web site to help you:  Elder Abuse | National Institute on Aging (nih.gov)


Just a reminder. Martha's suggestion is EXCELLENT!
I just checked it out...all your questions answered there.
Click on her blue link.
Read all the way to the bottom of the page because
at the bottom are all the contact numbers you need for help!
`


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## bingo (Jun 8, 2021)

lovemydad said:


> yes , I know. I tried. it isnt even about the money for me. it is the deceit around the money that is so hard to get past and my concern for his safety and well being.


i  understand how  painful this  is....sometimes  we have to  let it go


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## Remy (Jun 8, 2021)

lovemydad said:


> I'm 57. definitely Mama bear when it comes to my kids and my sweet husband. guess I need to "man -up" for my dad.


I think you do. You are not alone in this (as I am with my elderly stepfather) You have support. That helps A LOT. Be grateful for it. 

I agree her not wanting you and adult children to come over is a red flag. If your dad does have dementia, I would think family help would be very welcome by this woman.

Adult protective services. Do be aware though if he passes those cognitive tests, he can do what he wants with his money and property. It is not illegal to give these things to another person.


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

Thank you all for your responses and your advice.  At the very least I now know that I'm not paranoid and that I have every reason to be concerned.  Any action we decide to take will be for his benefit and will be understandable.  just a side note: when I was younger my Dad and I had a very very contentious relationship but over the years we've grown together and I'm more in love with him now than ever. Age has brought a sweetness and wisdom to him and an undeniable love between he and his three girls.  This whole situation is sad, and really unnecessary.  NOTE TO OTHERS OUT THERE: If you haven't gotten your desires in place , in a legal format, please please do so. The pain of not doing so is far worse than any inconvenience of a few dollars spent and a few hours of your time to get it right.


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

Remy said:


> I think you do. You are not alone in this (as I am with my elderly stepfather) You have support. That helps A LOT. Be grateful for it.
> 
> I agree her not wanting you and adult children to come over is a red flag. If your dad does have dementia, I would think family help would be very welcome by this woman.
> 
> Adult protective services. Do be aware though if he passes those cognitive tests, he can do what he wants with his money and property. It is not illegal to give these things to another person.


honestly, is I knew that was what he wanted and he said so, I would honor that,


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## Remy (Jun 8, 2021)

lovemydad said:


> honestly, is I knew that was what he wanted and he said so, I would honor that,


And that's OK but this is why you nee professional intervention. Even if he could still pass cognitive tests now (and he may not) he may not in the future. If your dad is declining, this woman may be scared wondering what is going to happen to her. That's not your problem. She may be trying to manipulate to save herself and keep a place to live. But if they were never married, I don't know legally what she can do in your area. You should try to find out.

You do need help. Google for things in your area regarding elder care as others have mentioned. Ombudsman I believe may only be for nursing home complaints.


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

Remy said:


> And that's OK but this is why you nee professional intervention. Even if he could still pass cognitive tests now (and he may not) he may not in the future. If your dad is declining, this woman may be scared wondering what is going to happen to her. That's not your problem. She may be trying to manipulate to save herself and keep a place to live. But if they were never married, I don't know legally what she can do in your area. You should try to find out.
> 
> You do need help. Google for things in your area regarding elder care as others have mentioned. Ombudsman I believe may only be for nursing home complaints.


I have no doubt that she is scared, which is why we didn't move to press charges against her when she assaulted my dad. however, there is a way and an inappropriate way to communicate your fear and we have given her NO reason to be afraid of discussing that. again, it has never been about the money with me. it is the deceit with which she is operating in regards to that. She has stated as recently as a month ago to me that she is in no need of his money should he pass before her. she has stated the same over the last 40 years. Now, I have to wonder whether she was ever being truthful about this. if she is in need, we, us three and her three, would make sure she is taken care of.  Its the sudden change in stories, actions, etc. that leads me to distrust. I just wish she would be completely honest. I wish he had a will. then this would not fall on my sisters and I to wonder and to be fearful.


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## Martha Ferris (Jun 8, 2021)

lovemydad said:


> I have no doubt that she is scared, which is why we didn't move to press charges against her when she assaulted my dad. however, there is a way and an inappropriate way to communicate your fear and we have given her NO reason to be afraid of discussing that. again, it has never been about the money with me. it is the deceit with which she is operating in regards to that. She has stated as recently as a month ago to me that she is in no need of his money should he pass before her. she has stated the same over the last 40 years. Now, I have to wonder whether she was ever being truthful about this. if she is in need, we, us three and her three, would make sure she is taken care of.  Its the sudden change in stories, actions, etc. that leads me to distrust. I just wish she would be completely honest. I wish he had a will. then this would not fall on my sisters and I to wonder and to be fearful.


Please read the website I provided for you.  It will give you something on which to base your decisions.


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## lovemydad (Jun 8, 2021)

Martha Ferris said:


> Please read the website I provided for you.  It will give you something on which to base your decisions.


Will do and thank you.


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## officerripley (Jun 8, 2021)

Another good website is https://www.agingcare.com/caregiver-forum, good luck, my heart goes out to you.


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## Lara (Jun 8, 2021)

I'm so happy that your path in life has led you to loving your dad. That's worth more than ALL else


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## John cycling (Jun 8, 2021)

lovemydad said:


> attempts to keep his kids from being with him alone, using his dementia, as an excuse.



Go over with your husband and boys to see him.  Tell your boys to go ahead and walk in when she opens the door.
Then your husband and you walk in.  Tell her you're there to see your dad.  If you can, take him somewhere else for awhile.
Plan on staying there for awhile.  Maybe she'll get tired of you being there and leave.  All you need to do is to get in the house.
Make arrangements, with him, to see him on a regular basis.  Talk with him not with her.  With his permission, get a key to the house.



lovemydad said:


> *absolutely positive house is in his name only. my suspicion as to why the sudden move to sell and purchase new home using his proceeds to put house in both their names.



Yes, that's exactly the reason.
He could add her name to the current title if he wanted to, but that wouldn't be as much to her benefit as getting a new place.



lovemydad said:


> I have no doubt that she is scared, which is why we didn't move to press charges against her when she assaulted my dad.



How did she assault him?



lovemydad said:


> She has stated as recently as a month ago to me that she is in no need of his money should he pass before her.



People can have no need, yet still be quite fearful and greedy.


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## garyt1957 (Jun 10, 2021)

John cycling said:


> How did she assault him?


That's my question, too. Assault can be many things, from a slap to an attack with a baseball bat. What did she actually do to him? And is he incapable of defending himself?


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## MarciKS (Jun 10, 2021)

lovemydad said:


> So, here are the things I've personally observed over the course of the last year.
> 
> * one incident of physical abuse warranting police involvement
> * sudden desire to move ( house in his name only)
> ...


I would contact someone to check that out. Something is wrong there. I suggest you contact your local Department of Aging and see if they can give you some much needed information.


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