# Holding Hands to Cope With Loss



## Underock1 (Nov 27, 2015)

This is _no__t _a thread looking for sympathy. Just an idea that works for me.
In my wife's last months, our only contact was by phone. When saying goodbye, I would tell her to hold her own hand and squeeze it and think of it as my own. I did likewise at the same time.
 Now that she is gone, I find it comforting to continue doing that. What remains of her in my life is all contained within my brain. The same brain that is providing the squeeze to my hand. I am a total non-believer in anything beyond physical reality. So no God, ghosts, spirits, etc. for me. I know that I am creating my own imagery, but it does help me to feel her presence.


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## Warrigal (Nov 27, 2015)

Whatever works for you, Underock. I have always relied on these kind of personal rituals/imagery to comfort me when I am feeling vulnerable. Sometimes it is something tangible that I can hold in my hand, sometimes it is a small action or gesture and at other times it occurs purely in my mind or imagination. It does help. So does prayer.


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## AZ Jim (Nov 27, 2015)

She is with you as you are with her.  Souls go on, only flesh dies.


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## fureverywhere (Nov 27, 2015)

That's beautiful there. There's the smell of Emeraude perfume. If I close my eyes my Mum is with me, I mean she's always with me...but really I understand.


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## Underock1 (Nov 27, 2015)

AZ Jim said:


> She is with you as you are with her.  Souls go on, only flesh dies.



Sorry, Jim. I don't believe that for a minute. When our brains go, we go. Sometimes long before the body. We both accepted that. Eventually our ashes will be combined and returned to the universe for whatever purpose. She does still live with me though, as long as my thoughts of her do. I am content.


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## Underock1 (Nov 27, 2015)

fureverywhere said:


> That's beautiful there. There's the smell of Emeraude perfume. If I close my eyes my Mum is with me, I mean she's always with me...but really I understand.



Thanks Furry. I really just posted this because it works for me and I thought it might be worth a try for someone else.


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## Underock1 (Nov 27, 2015)

Warrigal said:


> Whatever works for you, Underock. I have always relied on these kind of personal rituals/imagery to comfort me when I am feeling vulnerable. Sometimes it is something tangible that I can hold in my hand, sometimes it is a small action or gesture and at other times it occurs purely in my mind or imagination. It does help. So does prayer.



Prayer doesn't do it for me, Warri. It _is _interesting the devices that come to mind as coping mechanisms. The brain will find a way to get you through whether you will it or not.


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## SeaBreeze (Nov 27, 2015)

Underock, I think that was a great way for you both to feel close and supportive of each other over the phone.  It must've been hard for you not to see her face to face during that time.  I'm glad you find some comfort in doing that now that she is gone....hugs.


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## imp (Nov 27, 2015)

Each must cope in whatever way is deemed acceptable to them.   imp


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## Underock1 (Nov 27, 2015)

imp said:


> Each must cope in whatever way is deemed acceptable to them.   imp



:thumbsup:


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## Warrigal (Nov 27, 2015)

To avoid derailing this thread, I am going to start a new one where people can talk about their coping mechanisms.

https://www.seniorforums.com/showthread.php/18565-Coping-mechanisms-a-spinoff


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## Linda (Nov 27, 2015)

I've never thought or heard of holding hands that way Underrock1, I think it's a great idea.  I hope I never have to use it, but I'm going to remember this.  I'm glad you shared.


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## Underock1 (Nov 27, 2015)

Linda said:


> I've never thought or heard of holding hands that way Underrock1, I think it's a great idea.  I hope I never have to use it, but I'm going to remember this.  I'm glad you shared.



Thanks, Linda. I only put it up because, for me, it adds a physical component to the mental imagery and I thought it might be useful to someone else. Of course for Eleanor and I, we shared the experience for a couple of months before she passed, so that plays into it. I would hope you never have to use it as well, except the only way not to is to be the first to go. There ain't know winning, Linda. As someone else on here said "That's just the way it is".


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## fureverywhere (Nov 27, 2015)

Really even with hubby's tremor on that side. We'll hold hands silently, yes this song or whatever we're talking about. Yes it's still just the two of us at the end of the day.


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## Karen99 (Nov 28, 2015)

a very sweet thing to do...and obviously very effective as you are still comforted by it.  Thank you for sharing.


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## Shalimar (Nov 28, 2015)

Beautiful, poignant, underock. In the end, we must all do whatever gets us through the night. Inevitably, loss is the final 
price of love--but worth it, I think.


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## jnos (Dec 5, 2015)

Thank you for posting that Underock1. It's a beautiful idea.

Years ago I had a very supportive friend of 15+ years. She supported and helped me get through a lot of past baggage. I moved and knew I'd miss her often as we talked several times a week. We exchanged small smooth river rocks. They were small enough to carry in our pocket or purse to reach in and feel or hold anytime. Similar to the "worry stone" concept. Being nature's own smooth stone, it surprised me how comforting it was and what a pleasant memory now.


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## fureverywhere (Dec 5, 2015)

I remember too doing my internship in a nursing home. One of the assignments was to take your bottle of hand lotion and whomever wanted a hand massage. Some of the residents...Roosevelt was still president, but they were so very happy with human touch. I remember them well and glad I had such an experience.


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## Eric (Jul 13, 2016)

Nice idea Underrock my sympathy for the loss of your wife. My wife died some time ago, and there's not a night I don't go to bed without thinking of her in the mornings I still expect her to be there sometimes.  I went into a shell for a couple of years grieving but going on with my life now.  I loved her a lot, don't think I ever want to marry again.


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## SeaBreeze (Jul 13, 2016)

Eric, my condolences. :rose:


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## Debby (Jul 17, 2016)

Eric said:


> Nice idea Underrock my sympathy for the loss of your wife. My wife died some time ago, and there's not a night I don't go to bed without thinking of her in the mornings I still expect her to be there sometimes.  I went into a shell for a couple of years grieving but going on with my life now.  I loved her a lot, don't think I ever want to marry again.




I can understand what you're saying Eric.  She is your other half and that's just the way it is.


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## Underock1 (Jul 17, 2016)

Eric said:


> Nice idea Underrock my sympathy for the loss of your wife. My wife died some time ago, and there's not a night I don't go to bed without thinking of her in the mornings I still expect her to be there sometimes.  I went into a shell for a couple of years grieving but going on with my life now.  I loved her a lot, don't think I ever want to marry again.



My sympathy, Eric. I fully understand that. Yes. Life goes on. You don't get much choice. My wife was in actual fact my one and only forever girl. I can understand people re-marrying. Especially at a younger age. A very good thing if you are fortunate enough to find the right person. Not for me though. I still have her in part through memory and photographs. I still re-live our good times and its enough..


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## Carla (Jul 24, 2016)

Love doesn't die. Glad you can find some comfort.


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## Phoenix (Jul 25, 2016)

One of the things I do when someone has died is to draw them in around me like an all encompassing blanket.  I imagine them embracing me.  I work on feeling it.  A person doesn't have to believe in the afterlife for that to work.


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