# Are you Living with Your Children?



## PlummerInIdaho (Apr 9, 2022)

I'm 60 and my wife is 53. We just moved my 86 year old mom in to live with us. I'm looking for advice, input, perspective, articles, publications; anything that can help me maintain patience, kindness. If this is you, what's it like? 
Or, if you have done the same thin - moved a parent in with you - please share your perspective as well.


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## feywon (Apr 9, 2022)

Some pertinent, relevant info to garner more applicable responses:

1) The state of your Mom's physical and mental health. Does she require any specialized care? Or is it so you can make sure she remains in optimum condition for her age and to spare you worry she might fall or something and have trouble getting help?
2) Did she have to be talked into this or welcome the invitation?  Either way, was she given some control over what possesions came with her, how her room is furnished?
3) How is your wife's relationship with Mom? Did your spouse have reservations or voice the need for some 'conditions'? Hopefully, even if due to physical problems of your Mother was facing,  y'all discussed in detail before broaching idea to Mom.

I'm sure you'll get responses, but even tho (or maybe because) i observed my maternal Grandma's situation living with my Mom for a while then with my eldest Aunt till Gramma needed 24/7 care, and my #3 hubby, 11 yr old daughter and i moved in with my Dad when he was terminally ill so he could die at home as he wished, i would not give any advice till i knew more details about the reasons for doing this and the personalities involved.


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## OneEyedDiva (Apr 19, 2022)

Now I am. As I mentioned in another thread, I asked my son to move back in with me after he lost his wife. It's working out very well. His intention was to stay here until he finds a nice studio apartment that's not overpriced but who knows...he may wind up staying here. He has also talked about moving south for several years now. But may be considering staying in the area, mostly due to his two youngest children, although they are 17 and 19.


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## feywon (Apr 19, 2022)

My daughter, 38, lives with me.  Both practical (we share expenses) and while we both value solitude we do share many of same interests and have fun talking and doing things together.  She has begun to realize that as time passes i may need more physical assistence with things.

I don't hide any physical issues i have (often temporary due to stress cranking up allergies, or an injury) from her but talk about what my options are. She has no problem telling  me when she feels i need to seek medical advice &/or treatment. (And vice versa).


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## Capt Lightning (Apr 19, 2022)

We lived some 500 miles from my in-laws and when my Father in Law died, M-i-L suggested that we should move back to take care of her.
We pointed out that we both had jobs, a house and the children were at school.  She could come to live with us, but we couldn't just rip up our lives.  Well, she didn't want to move from her home or friends, so she stayed, at least with her friends and other relatives to keep an eye on her.

One point to take from this is, will your mum miss her old surroundings, friends etc.. 

Another incident - not quite the same - is that a senior couple we knew moved to be beside their family.  Then their son was transferred to another part of the country, so the parents were left behind and felt that they couldn't keep moving at their age.
Will you want to move in the future?  Your'e still relatively young.  How would this affect your Mum?


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## fuzzybuddy (Apr 24, 2022)

I don't have any first-hand knowledge of having an aged parent move in. But I can tell you that I've seen many burnt out siblings struggle to care for a parent. People underestimate the task of caring for a parent. The care needed  is draining, disruptive,  overwhelming, and never ending.   It takes a toll on people, and marriages. Emotions, like guilt, cloud issues. When your mother's presence becomes a "burden" ( it will), get counseling.


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## JonSR77 (Apr 24, 2022)

PlummerInIdaho said:


> I'm 60 and my wife is 53. We just moved my 86 year old mom in to live with us. I'm looking for advice, input, perspective, articles, publications; anything that can help me maintain patience, kindness. If this is you, what's it like?
> Or, if you have done the same thin - moved a parent in with you - please share your perspective as well.



We moved in here 3 years ago. Prior to that, we lived with my mom for 7 years. She is now 94 and in a nursing home.

It was NOT easy, not at all.

Personally, I highly and strongly recommend that you get into counseling with a professional therapist who deals with older folks. Take time there, brain storm issues, formulate plans.

Just "letting it ride" is a recipe for disaster.

Mom and I butt heads many times. It was a big mess.

One time she thought there was a burglar in the house because she thought she saw a footprint on the floor. I come into the house, the police are there. Big mess. She had spilled some flour on the floor, walked over it...and it took overnight for the footprint to set or something. Even after I told her what it was, she could not bring herself to believe me.

HUGE problems. We got her Life Alert. She kept accidentally hitting the button. They were going to cancel our account. Had to take the button away from her.  She would call the police.  She would call the fire department.  I mean, it was out of control. 

I could literally write up 10 pages of the problems.


Definitely recommend you get right in there with a professional and develop some plans and strategies.


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## JonSR77 (Apr 24, 2022)

Let me give you a couple of tips also..

--- lots of folks at that age not only have hearing problems, but will not admit how bad their hearing problems are. So, you think you are communicating, but they are just "yes-ing" you, because they don't want to admit what is going on.

--- And the same with memory loss. You will have a conversation. You think they understand, but they lost some reference and don't understand...and won't let you know that they don't understand.

--- Make sure you go through the medicine cabinet and throw out all the expired meds!!

--- She had stuff in there from years and years ago! Absolutely unsafe, dangerous.

--- Go through the fridge regularly and just throw out all the expired food.

--- Mom had this idea about saving money, that included regularly eating stale bread, instead of throwing it out.

--- Watch the food closely, make sure they don't forget to put the milk or butter back in the fridge. Unless you watch that carefully, you could easily eat some spoiled food. Easily.

--- Child proof the house, as if an energetic toddler was there. Do all the work that that entails. 

--- Make sure she isn't leaving paper or other flammable items near a space heater. Make sure the wires are all safe.

--- Make sure the doors are locked at night. They will open the door at 10PM, without you knowing...and forget to lock it, or windows, or leave windows open during a rainstorm.

--- You really have to become like a security guard, on your own property, constantly reviewing everything going on.

--- Also, don't listen to them when they say "No." You might say, "Hey mom, I am going to the bakery, would you like something?"

And they will say no, because they don't want you to bother. 

--- You have to understand that at an advanced age...you become the parent. You can't interact with them like it is your mom, who you love. You have to interact with them like they are a child, who will always get into trouble, unless you supervise everything.

now, sure, it varies widely. And some folks can be advanced in age and clear as a bell. What I am suggesting is the cautions. And generally, you are probably going to have to do A LOT more work, than you realized. And better to realize that now, rather than later.

best of luck...


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## JonSR77 (Apr 24, 2022)

oh, I forgot...one more thing..a big one.

Climbing on chairs! and shaky chairs!

Mom would constantly climb up on chairs, without the health to support that kind of movement.


Try to change light bulbs, try to reach things on a high shelf.

I bought her a gripper with an extended arm. She would not use it.

I am 6 feet tall. I told her that anytime she needed anything, just ask me, I would get it for her. She would refuse and always try to grab things for herself.

Picture a 90 year old, standing on a chair, stretching to get a can of beans or something ridiculous like that.

Oh, I could tell you stories...


sometimes you have to watch them like a hawk..

Or, well, like a wild five year old...


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## Jules (Apr 24, 2022)

@JonSR77 You went through a lot trying to care for your mom.


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## Lethe200 (Apr 25, 2022)

Had my MIL move in with us for 7 yrs. It was tough - more mentally/emotionally - because she was truly a very sweet person. But she had moderate dementia (more than just a mild case, but not serious/life-threatening in any way) and it was hard for both of us to cope with. We never had kids from choice, and to have a 76-yr old introverted child raised h**l with our retiree lifestyle.

A big problem was that Spouse and I don't have fixed regular schedules. We get up at different times of the day: sometimes together, sometimes separately. We may eat breakfast at 11:30a or make it a lunch meal instead. We were accustomed to doing our driving trips (3-6 days away) every 6-8 weeks, usually doing midweek trips but sometimes including a weekend. We go see our friends but don't have them come over often (our BFs and family are still working, for example; whereas we took early retirement). 

Our interests were TOTALLY opposite hers. We talk about world history and trends, global politics and economics. He's a lifelong wargamer; I'm an old movie fan but we're both sci-fi/MCU fans. We also read voraciously. We're gourmets and love dining out as often as we can. 

She was a "I must watch my Jeopardy show every day." Could barely read (sixth grade education in Hong Kong, standard for her generation). She found sci-fi movies confusing and scary. Dementia made it hard for her to read a menu (different fonts, different graphic layouts - all confuse dementia victims). 

Had to have her Cheerios every morning. She was flabbergasted the first time I scrambled some eggs for dinner when I didn't feel like cooking. Conversely she didn't enjoy it when I cooked the spicy curries, SE Asian food, the French and German cuisines, the Latin American dishes, which spouse and I prefer. She liked her food plain and identifiable!

And I second the frustration of having her nod "yes" although she didn't really understand what we were saying. The inability to remember recent things - taking her medications was the worst. She was scared of so many things, having been super-protected by both her husbands (which is, for any traditionalist men out there, NOT doing your wife any favors!). Dementia made her super-anxious, a very common symptom but hard for us to deal with. 

And then there was the year when she took out $10K in cash from the ATM through regular withdrawals, but couldn't tell us where the money went. We never did track it down, LOL. Fortunately she was fine with spouse taking over her finances.

My spouse had already suffered a stroke at age 50. Having her live with us made his BP rocket sky-high. She was a sweetheart, but as an only child he had no experience in dealing with someone as helpless as she was. She couldn't/wouldn't drive, hated doing anything alone but always wanted to tag along, even though she found everything we did boring or incomprehensible. 

Refused to make any friends even though she went to the senior centers twice a week, regularly. People liked her, they would ask her to go out or come over to visit, and she refused every one of them.

It was like having a permanent "third wheel" constraining us. Eventually she felt like an albatross around our necks, even though she never meant to be. After my spouse's BP got so high, so consistently, I feared he would have another stroke - his are haemorrhagic, not clots; if he gets another one it could kill him or disable him permanently. 

I put my foot down and said "enough is enough". We started investigating senior facilities around our home. We had very specific concerns, and after research got the list down to 9, one of which we were already familiar with. We visited the other 8, got the list down to 2 (all without her).

Note we took our time, doing this took almost a full year. For the 2 finalists it took another 6 mos of multiple visits before we chose one. We finally took her along for another 2 visits before signing papers. We did a 3rd final visit with her to let her choose the studio unit she liked best.

It was well worth spending the time to be careful. We think this is the biggest mistake most people make. Every single facility is different: not just different buildings, layouts, services. They differ in how they are managed, the legal "fine print", staff turnover, and most of all, the culture/atmosphere. 

It only took a month before MIL fit right in and was markedly happier.  She loved the residents (who had the same interests she did, plus new ones she joined in on), loved the staff (and they loved her in return). She felt safe on their 5-acre secured campus with its own senior center. It got to the point we had to book our time with her in advance because she was so busy!

Children forget - the biggest issue with dealing with elderly parents is not always the physical deterioration. It's the loss of companionship, as family peers die off and friends move away. Different generations often see the world differently, like different music, have different hobbies and interests. MIL was lonely and isolated, and needed the socializing of her peers - not her kids.


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## Blessed (May 15, 2022)

When we bought this home we took into account that one of our parents might need care later in life.  Mind you this is not a fancy home but it is large and had what used to be called double masters.  Now it is common for each bedroom  to be on suite.  Anyway, 25 years ago a home on the next street came up for sale.  Showed to my Mom and she bought it.  I did not have to worry, if she needed something I was just around the corner.  

Fast forward, she was big on walking. She took a tumble in the street on a walk.  She was not badly hurt but needed time to recover.  When she was released from the hospital I brought her home with me to take care of her.  She felt better in a month, said she was ready to go home.  She called 2 days later, she wanted to come back.  I had told her if you don't think you can do it on your own you can come back. 
Okay, not a problem.

Mind you I had already been widowed.  I did not have to worry if my husband would be upset.  She came back to my home and we started doing clearing of her house.  Put the house on the market. It sold in 4 days, multiple offers.  Things went very well for the first year but then the dementia came into play.  She would wake up at night and not know where she was.  She kept passing out and or falling down. Then she became incontinent. That was the hardest.  I had not problem with bathing her etc. but at night she would take off her depends(diaper) and make a mess of her bed.  Daily washing of bedding, and her falling down, passing out.  I just could not keep up with that. 

At 2 years we (my sister and I) made the decision I could not keep going the way things were.  She was placed in Assisted Living.  It was only a couple of miles from me and about 10 for my sister. She did well there but passed at age 90 in 2019.  I still miss her.


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