# When betrayed after a long relation, who do you talk to?



## Johanna (Nov 22, 2021)

Hi,
I lived with my husband nearly 31 years. Then I found out he had taken spy pictures and movies of me during several years. I was chocked and we divorced early this year. I van not get it out of my mind. I feel I have noone to talk to. I can not bring it up with my kids, I dont want them to judge and be involved in my problems. I dont want to talk to our local pastor either because he knows us both. Who do I talk to! I need to get it out!

Please pm if you care to listen

Thank you
Johanna


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## hollydolly (Nov 22, 2021)

Johanna,would it be possible for you to find a therapist to talk to...


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## Johanna (Nov 22, 2021)

Maybe, but I think it cost a lotta of money and I dont have that


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## hollydolly (Nov 22, 2021)

Johanna said:


> Maybe, but I think it cost a lotta of money and I dont have that


That's the problem for many people.

I suspect you don't have friends who you can talk to otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

In the Uk there are several Charity organisations where you can talk... I don't know about the USA unfortunately...

try googling Domestic abuse..free chat ...


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## Johanna (Nov 22, 2021)

I live in Sweden. I will try to find but at the same time I feel ashame in a way


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## hollydolly (Nov 22, 2021)

Johanna said:


> I live in Sweden. I will try to find but at the same time I feel ashame in a way


Do not feel ashamed Johanna, under no circumstaces must you feel ashamed,.  (((hugs))))You did nothing wrong, and  the qualified people you will talk to will tell you the same thing. Good luck, I'm sure you'll find something in Sweden.. do google..


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## Johanna (Nov 22, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> Do not feel ashamed Johanna, under no circumstaces must you feel ashamed,.  (((hugs))))You did nothing wrong, and  the qualified people you will talk to will tell you the same thing. Good luck, I'm sure you'll find something in Sweden.. do google..


Thank you, I understand that intelectually but not emotionally. It is very private moments documented without I knew


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## hollydolly (Nov 22, 2021)

Johanna said:


> Thank you, I understand that intelectually but not emotionally. It is very private moments documented without I knew


I completely understand Johanna, I've been through some horrible things in my life too..different to yours but where one feels the guilt of another person's actions, and you have to know that ,you cannot feel guilty over another person's actions, you have to learn this, hard as it might be for you, it's True, you've suffered enough without making yourself feel pain too  for things that were not your fault...


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## Johanna (Nov 22, 2021)

Thank you, it feels good to hear nice comments  from careing people


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## WheatenLover (Nov 22, 2021)

Please talk to someone who can help you. What you describe is soul-crushing. Also heartbreaking. You should not go through this alone. The shame you feel about it, that can also be helped. I know there are some things that I am ashamed of (also betrayals) because I feel like it badly reflects on me. I also know this is not true, just as it is not true of you You didn't cause this betrayal and nothing you did led to it happening. A therapist can help with this, too. From what I have experienced, they are not in the judging business. You are an innocent victim who will survive this.


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## Johanna (Nov 22, 2021)

WheatenLover said:


> Please talk to someone who can help you. What you describe is soul-crushing. Also heartbreaking. You should not go through this alone. The shame you feel about it, that can also be helped. I know there are some things that I am ashamed of (also betrayals) because I feel like it badly reflects on me. I also know this is not true, just as it is not true of you You didn't cause this betrayal and nothing you did led to it happening. A therapist can help with this, too. From what I have experienced, they are not in the judging business. You are an innocent victim who will survive this.


Thank you


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## Wren (Nov 22, 2021)

This may help Johanna

THE SWEDISH BRANCH OF THE SAMARITANS
The Swedish branch of the Samaritans called ”Någon att tala med” (NATM) is part of the global network of Help Centers and was created in the United kingdom in the Fifties to come to the rescue of individuals in need, who were contemplating suicide but also those who experienced other calamities such as illness and loneliness.​
For more info about who we are and what we do, please visit: http://www.natm.nu/​


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## Johanna (Nov 22, 2021)

Thank you, I will follow that up


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## Packerjohn (Nov 22, 2021)

Johanna said:


> Maybe, but I think it cost a lotta of money and I dont have that


The world is getting crazier and crazier.  Years ago everyone had family and neighbours to talk to.  Today you are suppose to see a therapist and pay them big money.  Then they schedule you for many appointments so that they can figure out your problem!  Hmmmmmmmmm!  I'm 75 and have never been to one and I sure as hack don't intend to start going to see one.  Guess, I'm one of those lucky guys.


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## Johanna (Nov 23, 2021)

Packerjohn said:


> The world is getting crazier and crazier.  Years ago everyone had family and neighbours to talk to.  Today you are suppose to see a therapist and pay them big money.  Then they schedule you for many appointments so that they can figure out your problem!  Hmmmmmmmmm!  I'm 75 and have never been to one and I sure as hack don't intend to start going to see one.  Guess, I'm one of those lucky guys.


You are right. People cared about each other in another way. Nowerdays you have to rely on society or have a big wallet


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## Johanna (Nov 23, 2021)

I at least saved the pictures and movies to my dropbox before deleting them on his pc.  I think of them as evidens if he starts arguing about money. But I dont know if I have tge guts to use it if nessesary.


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## MrPants (Nov 23, 2021)

Johanna said:


> I at least saved the pictures and movies to my dropbox before deleting them on his pc.  I think of them as evidens if he starts arguing about money. But I dont know if I have tge guts to use it if nessesary.


You need to stand up for YOU! You owe him nothing after what he has done to you! This is your life now and you need to stand strong. You will not regret it. Baby steps will lead to a lifelong walk of confidence and self respect.


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## Chris P Bacon (Nov 23, 2021)




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## Joe Smith (Nov 23, 2021)

Good luck Johanna. I'm with you kid!


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## Johanna (Nov 24, 2021)

Joe Smith said:


> Good luck Johanna. I'm with you kid!


Thank you. Kid? I am 62


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## Shero (Nov 24, 2021)

Every story has two sides.  We hear yours, but could we call husband to the witness stand!


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## Johanna (Nov 24, 2021)

Shero said:


> Every story has two sides.  We hear yours, but could we call husband to the witness stand!


Ok, he take spyphotos and spymovies of me without my knowledge and you mean he may have the right to do it?


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## Shero (Nov 24, 2021)

Johanna said:


> Ok, he take spyphotos and spymovies of me without my knowledge and you mean he may have the right to do it?


when you say spy movies, what do you mean?


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## Johanna (Nov 24, 2021)

Shero said:


> when you say spy movies, what do you mean?


I mean movies of me undressing, showering,  puttning on lotion and so on


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## Shero (Nov 24, 2021)

Johanna said:


> I mean movies of me undressing, showering,  puttning on lotion and so on


I am terribly sorry Johanna. What a nasty thing to do of your wife. I am glad you divorced. Have you seen these pictures?


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## Johanna (Nov 24, 2021)

Shero said:


> I am terribly sorry Johanna. What a nasty thing to do of your wife. I am glad you divorced. Have you seen these pictures?


Yes, I found pictures and movies in his pc. I uploaded them to my dropbox and deleted them from his pc


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## Shero (Nov 24, 2021)

Johanna said:


> Yes, I found pictures and movies in his pc. I uploaded them to my dropbox and deleted them from his pc


My heart breaks for you. That is surely a great betrayal. He is not worthy of being protected.


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## Johanna (Nov 24, 2021)

Shero said:


> My heart breaks for you. That is surely a great betrayal. He is not worthy of being protected.


I just try to move on, but it is difficult. I think of it a lot and have noone to talk to. It is hard to get it off my mind


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## Shero (Nov 24, 2021)

Johanna said:


> I just try to move on, but it is difficult. I think of it a lot and have noone to talk to. It is hard to get it off my mind


It is not easy to move on from such a thing. May I suggest you make a copy of the pictures and keep in a safe place in case you want to use them for evidence one day. Have you a family member you can speak with or a good friend? If not, maybe a counselor in Sweden?


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## Johanna (Nov 24, 2021)

Shero said:


> It is not easy to move on from such a thing. May I suggest you make a copy of the pictures and keep in a safe place in case you want to use them for evidence one day. Have you a family member you can speak with or a good friend? If not, maybe a counselor in Sweden?


Could we write in private?


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## Shero (Nov 24, 2021)

Johanna said:


> Could we write in private?


I believe you have to wait a little while longer before you can use the Private Message. We shall see later. 
I am sorry I asked you personal questions in full view of everyone, but believe me, we all care. Stay strong for now.


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## Johanna (Nov 24, 2021)

Shero said:


> I believe you have to wait a little while longer before you can use the Private Message. We shall see later.
> I am sorry I asked you personal questions in full view of everyone, but believe me, we all care. Stay strong for now.


It is ok. I just dont want to discuss very personal things in public. I can discuss them in private


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## timoc (Nov 24, 2021)

Coming on here with your story took real guts, Johanna. You are a brave lady, stand firm, you have already made good allies and friends on this site. 
Welcome to the forum, you will find lots of things that can bring a smile, and from lots of members too.


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## Johanna (Nov 24, 2021)

timoc said:


> Coming on here with your story took real guts, Johanna. You are a brave lady, stand firm, you have already made good allies and friends on this site.
> Welcome to the forum, you will find lots of things that can bring a smile, and from lots of members too.


Thank you very much


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## Johanna (Nov 24, 2021)

Shero said:


> I believe you have to wait a little while longer before you can use the Private Message. We shall see later.
> I am sorry I asked you personal questions in full view of everyone, but believe me, we all care. Stay strong for now.


Not if you start conversation I think?


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## Shero (Nov 24, 2021)

Johanna said:


> Not if you start conversation I think?


Okay. just sent you a PM


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## oldpop (Nov 24, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> That's the problem for many people.
> 
> I suspect you don't have friends who you can talk to otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.
> 
> ...


There are many twelve step type programs an support groups here in the states. They cover just about all the bases I believe. I would suppose they have them in Sweden too. It would not matter what country if it is an online support group. One could remain pretty much anonymous.


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## hollydolly (Nov 24, 2021)

oldpop said:


> There are many twelve step type programs an support groups here in the states. They cover just about all the bases I believe. I would suppose they have them in Sweden too. It would not matter what country if it is an online support group. One could remain pretty much anonymous.


I would hope so... but despite all the hype about domestic abuse you'd be surprised here in the Uk when you actually_ need_ help there's very little available,so hopefully it's not the same in Sweden


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## oldpop (Nov 24, 2021)

I looked around a bit for you Johanna but it seems there needs to be a classification in order to find an online support group.


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## Johanna (Nov 24, 2021)

oldpop said:


> I looked around a bit for you Johanna but it seems there needs to be a classification in order to find an online support group.


What does that mean?


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## oldpop (Nov 24, 2021)

Removed by the OP for clarification.


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## oldpop (Nov 24, 2021)

Johanna said:


> It is ok. I just dont want to discuss very personal things in public. I can discuss them in private


I have had some things I needed to unload during my lifetime. I just had to talk to another human being about. Once I drove way out of town and spoke with a clergyman that did not know me or my name and I did not know him. I told him that I had no specific religion. That was my biggest concern. I thought a clergyman might not speak to me if I was a different religion. I told the man what my intentions were.

The clergyman did not care about my religion and excepted my intentions as a good thing. He listened to me and gave me advisement. I took what I could use from what he said and left the rest and told him that is what I was going to do. It was a big help for me. Funny thing is he said it helped him also. May be worth a try.


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## oldpop (Nov 24, 2021)

Johanna said:


> What does that mean?


I am just naming things to give you an idea of what I mean. There are over-eaters, depression, mental illness and alcoholics support groups. Hollydolly mentioned Domestic Abuse. So you may have to put aspecific name on what yourissue is. You have to watch out for me I am known to complicate things.


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## Johanna (Nov 24, 2021)

oldpop said:


> I have had some things I needed to unload during my lifetime. I just had to talk to another human being about. Once I drove way out of town and spoke with a clergyman that did not know me or my name and I did not know him. I told him that I had no specific religion. That was my biggest concern. I thought a clergyman might not speak to me if I was a different religion. I told the man what my intentions were.
> 
> The clergyman did not care about my religion and excepted my intentions as a good thing. He listened to me and gave me advisement. I took what I could use from what he said and left the rest and told him that is what I was going to do. It was a big help for me. Funny thing is he said it helped him also. May be worth a try.


What is a clergyman?


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## oldpop (Nov 24, 2021)

A clergyman is a präst, predikant or rabbin.

See if there is an al anon group in your area. I would think they would be willing to point you in the right direction.

I really wish I could help. I think it would be better for you if some of the ladies here would help you. I will say, time will heal most wounds.


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## Shero (Nov 24, 2021)

oldpop said:


> A clergyman is a präst, predikant or rabbin.
> 
> See if there is an al anon group in your area. I would think they would be willing to point you in the right direction.
> 
> I really wish I could help. I think it would be better for you if some of the ladies here would help you. I will say, time will heal most wounds.


You are very sweet oldpop. A kind heart. She will be okay.


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## oldpop (Nov 24, 2021)

Back on topic. When betrayed after a long relation, who do you talk to? The hard part is choosing which long relationship. Years back when there were a few of these types of things popping up I had a close friend I called Critter who I could talk to about any subject that came up. He and I were alike in quite a lot of ways and experienced many of the same things in our lives.

He was older than me and has since passed but I absorbed much insight into things talking to him. His solution was simply to stay out of significant other type relationships all together. So when I was about forty eight years old that is exactly what I did. I will not open myself up for that kind of pain ever again if I can help it....
​


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## Joe Smith (Nov 24, 2021)

Ahh, still a Kid, Kid!


Johanna said:


> Thank you. Kid? I am 62


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## palides2021 (Nov 24, 2021)

I'm so sorry that you're going through this! I find it very disturbing! Those are many years of marriage to let go of and you probably have many memories of being together. Did you try and communicate with him why he did it? Just curious. Hoping you find some peace in all of this.


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## Murrmurr (Nov 24, 2021)

Do you have daughters?


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## mellowyellow (Nov 24, 2021)

Johanna said:


> Thank you, I understand that intelectually but not emotionally. It is very private moments documented without I knew


What a terrible shock it must have been, he’s nothing but a low life cockroach and be glad he’s gone.


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## John cycling (Nov 24, 2021)

Johanna said:


> I feel I have no one to talk to. I can not bring it up with my kids, I dont want them to judge and be involved in my problems. I dont want to talk to our local pastor either because he knows us both. Who do I talk to! I need to get it out!



Talk to anyone and everyone who's supportive of you.  Conversations with people on forums like this one can be a good start.

My dad was extremely abusive to me in many different ways as a child.  My Mom was his enabler, constantly in denial and never stuck up for me, though she was a good person otherwise, smart and a good person to talk with about things in general.  I hated him from the earliest days because of the things that he did, but my Mom always said what would she and my younger brother do if he weren't around any longer?  So I was extremely angry at him but buried it deep, deep inside of me for most of my life for their sakes.

Finally after joining some speaking clubs 20+ years ago I got more used to expressing myself with different people, including after he passed with my Mom, and with one or two people quite close to me.  I have constantly wondered through the years what I could have done differently as a child, or if I had it to live again, looking back from my present perspective.  The thing is that keeping it buried kept the worst things from my consciousness, which was not a good thing because it's always better to see the complete reality.


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## OneEyedDiva (Nov 24, 2021)

I'm so sorry this happened to you Johanna! That's a terrible thing to do to someone, especially a spouse!  I hope you can find a therapist or someone to talk with that won't break your bank.  And like @hollydolly said...this was not your fault so please remove guilt from the equation.


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## RobinWren (Nov 24, 2021)

Maybe your doctor could point you in the right direction. What your husband did is despicable and it might also be against the law. I am so sorry that you do not have someone to confide in but as other members have suggested an online support group could help.


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## Johanna (Nov 25, 2021)

palides2021 said:


> I'm so sorry that you're going through this! I find it very disturbing! Those are many years of marriage to let go of and you probably have many memories of being together. Did you try and communicate with him why he did it? Just curious. Hoping you find some peace in all of this.


We could not sort it out. We divorced


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## Johanna (Nov 25, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Do you have daughters?


I have one daughter, I dont involve the children


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## Alice November (Nov 25, 2021)

Johanna said:


> Ok, he take spyphotos and spymovies of me without my knowledge and you mean he may have the right to do it?


What a creepo your X was, you are lucky this wierdo is gone. He tricked you, betrayed you, it is not fair. Go on with your life and make it a good wholesome healthy life. Listen to lofi chill pop or Jazz tunes, very relaxing. Watch animal videos and old comedy series. Drink hot tea and sit in a comfy chair. It is good you are reaching out to others. No matter what anyone thinks you have to enjoy yo'self, cause you will be spending the rest of this earthly trail with you!


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## fuzzybuddy (Nov 25, 2021)

I think not involving the children in this situation is the best thing to do. I have no idea about Swedish divorces. Do you need an attorney? You seem to be lost, and overwhelmed. If you had a divorce attorney, he should be able to direct you how to get some help.


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## Chris P Bacon (Nov 25, 2021)

You might try here, Johanna - *https://www.1177.se/*


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## RadishRose (Nov 25, 2021)

Alice November said:


> Watch animal videos


Amazingly comforting. One of my very favorite things.


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## oldpop (Nov 26, 2021)

Running water works well for me.


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## RobinWren (Nov 26, 2021)

fuzzybuddy said:


> I think not involving the children in this situation is the best thing to do. I have no idea about Swedish divorces. Do you need an attorney? You seem to be lost, and overwhelmed. If you had a divorce attorney, he should be able to direct you how to get some help.


I'm not sure that I agree with your first sentence. Obviously the daughter is an adult, is she not entitled to know exactly the cause of the break up. Because of the nature of the situation who's to say that it might not happen again, is honesty not the best policy or does it not apply to this situation. Interested to hear others opinion.


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## Gary O' (Nov 26, 2021)

Johanna said:


> Thank you. Kid? I am 62


To a good lot of us, you're a 'kid'

Glad you have the guts to shake loose of that guy

Wishing you all the very best



Johanna said:


> I dont want to talk to our local pastor either because he knows us both


A direct talk with God can be a pretty big help


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## Gary O' (Nov 26, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Do you have daughters?


Y'know, that's a good question....and concern

I mean, how low can this creep go?


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## Murrmurr (Nov 27, 2021)

Gary O' said:


> Y'know, that's a good question....and concern
> 
> I mean, how low can this creep go?


But then I realized tiny cameras weren't widely available until *fairly* recently.


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## Johanna (Nov 29, 2021)

It feels very nice to have someone to write to here. I appreciate if you pm me so I can explain my feelings and get your advice. Thank you

Regards
Johanna


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## oldpop (Nov 29, 2021)

> Johanna

I think the past is unalterable and the future is unknown. All any of us really have is this moment. I have the power to choose what I do and how I feel in this moment. I try very hard to live in the solution and not in the problem. Sometimes that is a moment to moment battle. I had to practice positive thinking. Training myself to think positive has been a never ending endeavor. I started out leaning recognize when my mind started going down a negative path. Then I would try to turn that thought into something positive. It did not really make a difference what the thought was it just needed to be positive.

Somehow with a lot of practice and patience my mind learned how to think positive without much conscious thought. Most of the time anyway. To be brutally honest and as crazy as it may sound sometimes dwelling in the mire of regret and self pity can be a comfortable place for me to hide out. I do not know why. Maybe it is negativity in me trying hold me back? The reality is I have to make myself stand up, step out of the mire and get on with my life. The only thing I can really do with the things that happened to me in my past is to learn from them and try not to make the same mistakes twice. This is about all I have to offer you and I sincerely hope it will help you.....


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## OneEyedDiva (Nov 29, 2021)

Johanna said:


> I have one daughter, I dont involve the children


I admire you for not involving your child in this. Shows strength, courage and plain good sense.


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## RobinWren (Nov 29, 2021)

oldpop said:


> > Johanna
> 
> I think the past is unalterable and the future is unknown. All any of us really have is this moment. I have the power to choose what I do and how I feel in this moment. I try very hard to live in the solution and not in the problem. Sometimes that is a moment to moment battle. I had to practice positive thinking. Training myself to think positive has been a never ending endeavor. I started out leaning recognize when my mind started going down a negative path. Then I would try to turn that thought into something positive. It did not really make a difference what the thought was it just needed to be positive.
> 
> Somehow with a lot of practice and patience my mind learned how to think positive without much conscious thought. Most of the time anyway. To be brutally honest and as crazy as it may sound sometimes dwelling in the mire of regret and self pity can be a comfortable place for me to hide out. I do not know why. Maybe it is negativity in me trying hold me back? The reality is I have to make myself stand up, step out of the mire and get on with my life. The only thing I can really do with the things that happened to me in my past is to learn from them and try not to make the same mistakes twice. This is about all I have to offer you and I sincerely hope it will help you.....


Very good advice, we can all take something away from this.


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