# Grandkids - No more Xmas Gifts



## Jackie Blue (Dec 1, 2019)

OK here's my dealio….I always send $50 to each of my 3 grandkids and their parents.  It's the only family I have left and they live in Ohio (I live in Texas).  They are 24, 22,20 years old.  They never say thank you or acknowledge the gift.  In fact it has been 6 years since I have seen them since I can't travel to their house because of my dementia mother.
This year I want to discontinue the practice and use that money to buy small gifts for my Alzheimer mom's care givers staff at her facility (12 folks).  Question - should I let the family know my plan or just send a Xmas card with no money and let them figure it out?


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## RadishRose (Dec 1, 2019)

Jackie Blue said:


> OK here's my dealio….I always send $50 to each of my 3 grandkids and their parents.  It's the only family I have left and they live in Ohio (I live in Texas).  They are 24, 22,20 years old.  They never say thank you or acknowledge the gift.  In fact it has been 6 years since I have seen them since I can't travel to their house because of my dementia mother.
> This year I want to discontinue the practice and use that money to buy small gifts for my Alzheimer mom's care givers staff at her facility (12 folks).  Question - should I let the family know my plan or just send a Xmas card with no money and let them figure it out?


Let them figure it out!  

Hope you enjoy the forum.


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## Keesha (Dec 1, 2019)

Jackie Blue said:


> should I let the family know my plan or just send a Xmas card with no money and let them figure it out?


No need to say anything. They will figure it out
With no thank you or acknowledgement whatsoever, this would be a no brainer for me
No offence intended towards you


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## Sassycakes (Dec 1, 2019)

I would think about not even sending them a card and let them wonder why. Maybe they will even call to see if you are ok.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Dec 1, 2019)

I'd just let it go. I wouldn't even send a card. It they call you can explain the situation. I think it is very nice that you are acknowledging the people who have helped care for your Mom.


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## Aunt Bea (Dec 1, 2019)

I wouldn't burn any bridges or make any speeches.

I would send a Christmas card or a personal note to keep the lines of communication open with your family.

Good luck!


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## Jackie Blue (Dec 1, 2019)

Thanks all for your replies.  Yea, I think I'll let them figure it out.  Can't imagine they would ask "where's the money"?


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## Gary O' (Dec 1, 2019)

I would feign dementia if they called


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## Jackie Blue (Dec 1, 2019)

Gary O' said:


> I would feign dementia if they called


That's funny right there!!!


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## RedAlert (Dec 1, 2019)

Your new idea is much better and Will be appreciated much more.


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## Don M. (Dec 1, 2019)

Christmas gift shopping used to be a hassle, for us, with everyone buying gifts for everyone else.  Now, we just draw a name when we all get together at Thanksgiving, and buy one gift for one adult with a limit of $25.  That works out quite well, and the only real shopping for us, now, is the gifts for the little great grandkids....toys, mostly.


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## treeguy64 (Dec 1, 2019)

Emailed Season's Greetings. That's it, for these ingrates! No joke.


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## toffee (Dec 1, 2019)

i send to my gran kids in their teens' always get a thank u with kisses txt even though we dont see each other much '
I dont blame you one bit for the stoppage as I would have long ago ' as you said give to people who really appreciate it 
and then just maybe your gran kids will have a think why ' and if they do ask' tell them the true reason - merry xmas .


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## Ken N Tx (Dec 1, 2019)

Ruth n Jersey said:


> I'd just let it go. I wouldn't even send a card. It they call you can explain the situation. I think it is very nice that you are acknowledging the people who have helped care for your Mom.


Ditto.....Welcome to SF...
.


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## terry123 (Dec 1, 2019)

Welcome and let them figure it out.  I give gift cards to my 2 girls and the grands.  Each of them calls me and thanks me for the gift card.  We catch up on the phone and visit for awhile.  I do the same for their birthdays and get a call then too!


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## treeguy64 (Dec 1, 2019)

I sent a $500 "Welcome to the World" check to my old buddy's new grandson, who was given my (sort of) rare name. No "Thank you!" from my old buddy or her son or dil! I've given up on expecting good manners, anymore. I don't put myself in a situation to expect any thanks, because I no longer give anything to anyone except my immediate family. If I don't get thanked, my giving list gets shorter.

(Yes, I did, indeed, call the son to make sure the check was received.  He said his wife was working on the "Thank-you" note list.  The kid is now four years old!  Must be one helluva list!  FWIW, the son has my middle name as his first name, because his mom always liked my middle name.  My daughter has my buddy's middle name as her middle name, because I really liked it.  As seen, here, this gal and I were very good friends.  We've known each other for over sixty years!  She simply sucks at common courtesy.  I guess it runs in her family!)


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## TravelinMan (Dec 1, 2019)

Jackie Blue said:


> OK here's my dealio….I always send $50 to each of my 3 grandkids and their parents.



Here is an idea.  Send them all a check for $50 but don't sign the checks.  I guarantee you will hear from all of them!!!


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## moviequeen1 (Dec 4, 2019)

give to a favorite charity in their names


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## StarSong (Dec 4, 2019)

I'm going to offer a dissenting opinion. 

First of all, I don't give gifts because of who the recipient is, but rather because of who I am. If folks don't send thank you notes, it doesn't bother me a bit. Nobody receives $50 without feeling good about it, which would be thanks enough for me because, after all, that's why I'd be sending it.

When my time in this life is done I want my grandkids to think of me fondly - to know that I always remembered them, even at times in their lives when they forgot to remember me. I want them to know that love and generosity aren't always conditional. Just as there were some folks in my earlier years who I didn't properly acknowledge at the time that they offered kindnesses to me, I know my grands aren't always going to "properly" appreciate me.

Here's a thought... If you haven't seen your grands in six years - since they were in their teens - isn't it time you made some arrangements for your mom and hauled yourself to Ohio for a visit? (If you wound up in the hospital for an injury or illness you'd have to make arrangements for her, so it's not impossible to do so.) Be more to them than a check every Christmas and perhaps they'll be more to you than an endorsement on the back of a check.

What I read between the lines of your posts is love, hurt and anger. My family has had a saying for a long time. 90% of life is just showing up. If you want to resolve that unfulfilled love, put a balm on the hurt, and soothe the anger, get thee to Ohio and show your grandkids that they're worth more of an effort to you than a $50 check at Christmas. Re-engage and meet them where they are. Text them, email them, whatever.

p.s. This isn't intended to be harsh or judgmental. I'm just trying to point out that your grands likely see this from an entirely different perspective. You have time to fix it. Ultimately, unless I miss my guess, what you want is a relationship with these kids.


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## Pepper (Dec 4, 2019)

I love you StarSong.  What a great post


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## GeorgiaXplant (Dec 5, 2019)

I think I'd send a card with a note stating that you've used the money that you usually send to provide gifts for your mother's caregivers, wish them all a happy Christmas, and let it go at that.

And here's a hot tip for you from someone who spent the last 10 years of my working life as a cleaning fairy. I was very, very grateful for tips. My clients were generous, usually giving me a week's pay as a gift at Christmastime. It's the customary amount for those in a personal service capacity. If you can, they'll be thrilled, trust me.


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## terry123 (Dec 5, 2019)

Agree with GeorgiaXplant.  The caregivers would appreciate the tips. They make little in comparison to what they have to do as caregivers.


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## DaveA (Dec 5, 2019)

Don M. said:


> Christmas gift shopping used to be a hassle, for us, with everyone buying gifts for everyone else.  Now, we just draw a name when we all get together at Thanksgiving, and buy one gift for one adult with a limit of $25.  That works out quite well, and the only real shopping for us, now, is the gifts for the little great grandkids....toys, mostly.


We're on the same wavelength on this one, Don.  We make a game out of the gift exchange but the rest is the same - -everyone buys one present. On a side note, we almost had to - -we have 13 grandkids and will have 9 grands come next May and except for one (lives on West coast) they'll all be with us on Dec.29th, our "Christmas" celebration.


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## Meanderer (Dec 5, 2019)

We are all different.  We should follow our heart and be as generous as we can be.


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## Linda (Dec 5, 2019)

I agree with you StarSong 100% on this.  And it's possible to give to the grand kids and the caregivers both.  Even if it means cutting the grandchildren's checks to $25 dollars and buying the caregivers each a Whitmens Sampler for $5.98.


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## StarSong (Dec 6, 2019)

Linda said:


> I agree with you StarSong 100% on this.  And it's possible to give to the grand kids and the caregivers both.  Even if it means cutting the grandchildren's checks to $25 dollars and buying the caregivers each a Whitmens Sampler for $5.98.


I agree with appreciating those who care for our loved ones and being generous with them as we are able.  At the same time it's important to bear in mind the very nature of 99.9% of those relationships.  They are quite intimate, yes, but only temporarily so.  When we no longer need their services these loving caregivers soon drift out of our lives and newly focus on the lives of other families.   

Family can be forever when we nurture those relationships. That's why I advise Jackie to invest not only in her mother but in her children and grandchildren.


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## Jackie Blue (Dec 6, 2019)

StarSong said:


> I'm going to offer a dissenting opinion.
> 
> First of all, I don't give gifts because of who the recipient is, but rather because of who I am. If folks don't send thank you notes, it doesn't bother me a bit. Nobody receives $50 without feeling good about it, which would be thanks enough for me because, after all, that's why I'd be sending it.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your point of view and the lovely thoughts and suggestions.  "Haul myself to Ohio" would be wonderful if possible.  Unfortunately I am POA for my mother and there is not another living soul that can be responsible for her - no family left and certainly no one that is friend to her.  I have made inquiries with the home she lives at and they can not be responsible for her hospitals stays and make decisions and she's had 5 stays in 6 years.  So yes, I would love to give the responsibility to someone else for a short period if time.  FYI...if I did have to be in the hospital myself, that is something that is beyond my control.  I'm sure the majority of folks think I take my responsibility for my mom too seriously, but it is the way I would want to be treated and hopefully when she passes I will know I did what was in her best interest with love.  

Thanks again for your suggestions and I wish you all a wonderful Christmas season.  BTW - I did send them cards and text and video periodically.  I'm not completely void of day-to-day family love.


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## Lc jones (Dec 10, 2019)

moviequeen1 said:


> give to a favorite charity in their names


Great idea


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## debodun (Dec 16, 2019)

I applaud your action. I've cut way back on the gift giving because most recipients of my largesse don't seem to appreciate it. When I discontinued, I didn't get any negative feedback, or any feedback for that matter (which speaks volumes in itself). Maybe some people feel cash is impersonal - just my theory. However, if you'd like to send me $50, I would appreciate that! LOL


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## Autumn72 (Dec 25, 2019)

StarSong said:


> I agree with appreciating those who care for our loved ones and being generous with them as we are able.  At the same time it's important to bear in mind the very nature of 99.9% of those relationships.  They are quite intimate, yes, but only temporarily so.  When we no longer need their services these loving caregivers soon drift out of our lives and newly focus on the lives of other families.
> 
> Family can be forever when we nurture those relationships. That's why I advise Jackie to invest not only in her mother but in her children and grandchildren.


When we nurture and how does one do that when Ohio is too busy to care??????


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