# Do you get jealous?



## Ronni (Jul 3, 2022)

I have never been a jealous person in romantic or familial relationships. I sometime get envious of others but that’s different.

I was crazy jealous during the time when
my ex was chronically cheating, but I sure had cause, even though he castigated me unmercifully for being a “paranoid, jealous b*%@h” as a way to deflect, even as he flaunted his affairs and dared me to react. (Crazymaking behavior.)

Those of you who know my history with Ron know I had many opportunities to be jealous when his ex Julie continuously insinuated herself into his life, sometimes calling him numerous times a day. I was never jealous, just pointed out to Ron the unhealthy relationship he had with her.

Ron gets randomly jealous. Because I’m a tactile person and will hug, touch, pat all who I come into contact with, male or female, he will sometimes take offense when I’m just being myself with a man, usually a young attractive one, (our female kids’ significant others or a bartender.  ) We’re working on that with some couples counseling.

How about you?


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## Murrmurr (Jul 3, 2022)

No. Whenever a lover has made it obvious she wants to move on, I just let her. Lots of fish in the sea, right?


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## Alligatorob (Jul 3, 2022)

Ronni said:


> Do you get jealous?


Wish I didn't but it has happened from time to time.  Never did me any good...


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## dobielvr (Jul 3, 2022)

May be once.
I don't consider myself a jealous person.


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## Knight (Jul 3, 2022)

Never did, neither has my wife. Over the years plenty of opportunities for both to cause the other to be jealous but didn't. I'm sure respect ingrained in both of us had a lot to do with that. Our commitment to not lie also strong all thru the years. 

One of the 1st. things we agreed on was if ever love was lost, then divorce would be as amicable as the day we got married. That goes back to respect.


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## RadishRose (Jul 3, 2022)

Now and then, when I was young. Lack of self esteem, I guess. Those days are long gone.


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## Pinky (Jul 3, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> Now and then, when I was young. Lack of self esteem, I guess. Those days are long gone.


Same here .. when I was very young and insecure.


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## Alligatorob (Jul 3, 2022)

Knight said:


> One of the 1st. things we agreed on was if ever love was lost, then divorce would be as amicable as the day we got married.


That doesn't seem possible.  Glad you never had the chance to find out!


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## C50 (Jul 3, 2022)

I have never been the jealous type.  Who has that kind of energy to waste?


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## Gary O' (Jul 3, 2022)

Do you get jealous?​I don't think so
can't readily remember

If I was going with someone, and they flirted or toyed around, I'd just go my way
Used to get in fights over some of it
Then realized, it's not worth it, what am I fighting for?


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## dseag2 (Jul 3, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> Now and then, when I was young. Lack of self esteem, I guess. Those days are long gone.


Bingo.  I was jealous when I was younger due to the lack of self esteem.  No jealousy these days.

And no jealousy for people who have more than I do.  I am happy with my life.  I don't need any more than I have.


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## Gaer (Jul 3, 2022)

No.  Of course, now there is no one to get jealous over anyway.


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## Sassycakes (Jul 3, 2022)

I don't remember ever being jealous.
My Son always used the phrase "It is what it is"


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## Tish (Jul 3, 2022)

No, I have never been a jealous person.


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## win231 (Jul 3, 2022)

Never have been jealous, never will be.
My ex wife tried to make me jealous by flirting with other men.  She probably thought it would make me appreciate her more.
She was always disappointed that I didn't react the way she wanted me to.
Once, she asked me if her flirting bothered me.  I said, "No; it just makes me lose my respect for you."
I've always thought if someone I'm seeing tries to make me jealous, she ain't worth it.


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## Patricia (Jul 3, 2022)

RE romantic relationships I am more affected by abandonment than jealousy.  Some people have the ability to wander off with ease. I could do that more easily in Jr. High. Although I have a hard time walking off, abandoning people, there are times doing so might have been in my best interest. RE materialism, at this stage, unless a person is better at the art of minimalism, I don't feel competitive.


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## jujube (Jul 3, 2022)

Nope, I've never been the jealous type.  No purpose....you either trust your loved one and you don't.  And if you don't, then you need to find one that you *can* trust.

It's a good thing I wasn't the jealous type because my late husband had many more female friends than I did.  I trusted him.

The Spousal Equivalent has never given me a moment's reason in 13 years to be jealous.


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## Wren (Jul 4, 2022)

Hey Ronnie, I’m not overly jealous but don’t know many people, male or female who would be comfortable to see their partner ‘hugging, touching and patting’ young attractive members of the opposite sex

If I knew it upset my husband I’d reign it in a bit out of respect for his feelings


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## Paco Dennis (Jul 4, 2022)

Like most here I was very jealous when I was younger.  My second wfe was a social butterfly, and had several past lovers in our town. It was a tough marraige to say the least.


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## Gaer (Jul 4, 2022)

jujube said:


> Nope, I've never been the jealous type.  No purpose....you either trust your loved one and you don't.  And if you don't, then you need to find one that you *can* trust.
> 
> It's a good thing I wasn't the jealous type because my late husband had many more female friends than I did.  I trusted him.
> 
> The Spousal Equivalent has never given me a moment's reason in 13 years to be jealous.


Yes,  Same here!  My husband was really handsome and amiable.  He had so many ladies flirting with him all the time!
but,
If you don't trust the horses, don't ride em in the race!


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## Ronni (Jul 4, 2022)

Wren said:


> Hey Ronnie, I’m not overly jealous but don’t know many people, male or female who would be comfortable to see their partner ‘hugging, touching and patting’ young attractive members of the opposite sex
> 
> If I knew it upset my husband I’d reign it in a bit out of respect for his feelings


Well it’s not like I hug, pat and touch all at once  I realize I gave that impression.

I’m a hugger. I’ll hug rather than handshake. Always have been.

As far as patting, touching etc, you know when you’re having a conversation and they say something that touches you in some way, or you’re empathetic to what they’re saying? I might reach out and pat their hand or touch them on the shoulder. Doesn’t matter who…old, young, male or female, I don’t discriminate and it’s not a planned thing or calculated in any way.

Just like I don’t make a plan to smile at appropriate times, I also don’t give any thought to those gestures. If you’re not a tactile person, you may not even understand what I’m taking about.

When I referenced the “young attractive male” thing, I was trying to say that my husband is selective in who he gets upset about  It seems his jealousy is reserved mostly for the kids’ boyfriends, but not all of them and not all the time. Even Ron himself can’t articulate why not everyone.

It’s perplexing and frustrating for the both of us….me because this is just a part of who I am, the way I’ve been my whole life with people no matter their age or gender, and it’s largely unconscious. Most of the time I have no idea what he’s talking about.

Him because it’s so knee-jerk and random, and even he recognizes the irrationality of it. Like I said, it’s frustrating and perplexing, hence therapy.


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## Right Now (Jul 4, 2022)

Admittedly in my 30's I did get a bit jealous when my husband openly flirted, but as it turned out, I had reasons...
Since then, I realized there is no need for jealousy.  If you are loved, and love someone, hugs and smiles to another in greeting or fun should be welcomed.


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## oldman (Jul 4, 2022)

Never jealous, but maybe envious.


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## Pepper (Jul 4, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> No. Whenever a lover has made it obvious she wants to move on, I just let her. Lots of fish in the sea, right?


More female fish than male fish.


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## Knight (Jul 4, 2022)

Alligatorob said:


> That doesn't seem possible.  Glad you never had the chance to find out!


Not only possible but followed one of the wise bits of advice a 1st. class recip mechanic gave me before marrying. He said apply the 95  //5 rule. If you find someone that is 95% better than the woman you marry then leave your marriage the same way you began. 

As I thought about this topic yesterday I came to realize being in the Navy was  for the best in developing our solid marriage.  1st. 10 years while in the Navy with no immediate family, depending entirely on each other was normal. Once out of the Navy that didn't change.


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## Remy (Jul 4, 2022)

@Ronni That behavior of your ex you describe above was also absolute abuse and gaslighting. Just horrible. I'm so sorry.

I'm not a jealous person either. This got to me last evening though. My stepfather told me my brother's daughter bought a condo. This is my brother who is very verbally abusive and I know his kids and wife do not have an easy time with him. But at 27 or 28 she had the  brains to go buy her own place when the rent was significantly increased on her apartment all at once. She's very smart and got a masters in physical therapy I believe and was employed immediately. I think she moved to North Carolina from Virginia. 

Here I am over 60 and I just keep thinking of one mistake I have made after another. I know a lot has to do with my own trauma and abuse but I've really messed up.


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## Jules (Jul 4, 2022)

When I was a single divorcee, I found that married women became cautious when you’re around their husband.  I’d been told that this was common and it wasn’t because I was attractive.  Just seems a fear that many women have, some for good reason unfortunately.


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## Timewise 60+ (Jul 4, 2022)

RadishRose said:


> Now and then, when I was young. Lack of self esteem, I guess. Those days are long gone.


Same here, but primarily when I got married.  I really had problems controlling those feelings.  I never accused my wife or fought about it.  I just beat myself up mentally in fear of losing her.  As I aged, I outgrew this as I gained self-confidence.  We are now in our 52nd year of marriage...boy was I wrong!  She truly was/ is the love of my life...


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## AnnieA (Jul 4, 2022)

I'm a Scorpio with red hair and--according to the latest DNA test--have more Viking DNA than 95% of all others tested at LivingDNA (a UK testing company).  So, romantically, yes.  But I didn't throw fits about it, just moved right on.


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## JustDave (Jul 4, 2022)

Not anymore.  In cases where I should be, I just lose interest.


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## timoc (Jul 4, 2022)

Do you get jealous?​
*Not for a single second*, but that other bloke that comes to visit the lovely lady over the road, well, I've accidentally nudged him in the ribs a few times, and that fella a few streets away who won all that money on the lottery, who swans around in his big posh car and a dish of a girl on his arm, well, I'm not jealous of that lucky ba***rd either.


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## StarSong (Jul 4, 2022)

Sure I've been jealous.  Not deranged with jealousy, but my hackles go up when some female makes a move on my man. 

For instance: A woman started getting a little too chummy at DH's 20th HS reunion.  As was obvious by their conversation, they'd barely known each other in HS; she was a friend of a friend.  DH & I were both wearing nice jewelry, he was in an expensive suit, and our business was clicking on all cylinders.  In contrast, this woman's life apparently peaked in HS.  She was cozying up to my naive, nice guy husband, and I could see her calculating brain at work, figuring she'd lift me out of the picture and slide right in to take my place.        

He didn't realize what she was up to, but her objective was pretty clear to me.  She asked if she could call him to help her launch a business so he gave her a business card.  When we got home, I told him she was interested in other kinds of business with him and asked him to please brush her off when she contacted him.  He was surprised by my take on it, but understood and was fine with ditching her.  He was merely being polite that evening.  She called him first thing Monday morning after the party with a lunch invitation.  To his credit, he told her he couldn't be much help to her, was too busy with work and family.  After a couple of brush-off phone calls she got the picture.     

DH's father was straight-arrow true-blue to his wife.  My husband and his brothers were all cut from that same cloth.  Not a cheater in the bunch.  Not the guys nor the women they married.        

DH isn't generally the jealous type.  Kind of a good thing because for most of my adult life I've been a shameless but completely harmless flirt, which always amused him.  That said, when someone I dated for a short time in HS started Facebook messaging me regularly in hopes of reconnecting in person 40 years later, DH felt very threatened.  I respected his sixth sense about the guy's motives, politely but firmly declined a request to meet up when he was in town, and stopped responding to his FB messages.  

Oftentimes the spouse of someone being courted can more clearly spot hidden agendas than the person being targeted.  Sometimes spouses feel jealous and insecure because their relationship security is in fact being threatened.  

As Joseph Heller wrote in _Catch 22_, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you."


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## Michael Z (Jul 4, 2022)

When you don’t give your spouse anything to be jealous about, they usually don’t get jealous. My wife and I are probably both susceptible to jealousy, but we take care about who we hang around with.

I acknowledge that there can be abusive spouses that are unreasonable about jealousy. But usually other types of abuse will come with this and this should not be tolerated.


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## Bella (Jul 4, 2022)

I'm not the jealous type. I'm the cut him loose, bye-bye-ta-ta, hand him a one-way ticket on the Adios Express type. Likewise, I was that way when I was young, and I'm that way now. A guy who's too flirty or handsy with others wouldn't last two seconds with me. Why would I put up with that crap?

Affectionate hugs and kisses that aren't overdone or ****** in nature are perfectly acceptable between family and friends. I'm a very affectionate person and don't hesitate to show affection to those I love. Unfortunately, the jealous types can read more into it than what's actually there. Perhaps some jealous people have been hurt in the past and carry it with them into new relationships, expecting the same treatment. They fail to understand that the new partner isn't like their previous partner because they don't trust anyone. Some are upset by any affection shown to others. That creates a problem between couples when they can't sort it out.

My husband was handsome and liked women, but he wasn't a flirt. Women definitely liked him. There was a lot to like. I can remember being at parties and women being all over him. I don't know if they knew he was attached or not, but if they did, it didn't matter. If I was engaged with someone else in conversation and saw a woman coming on strong to my husband, I'd just laugh to myself, walk up to her, and smile as I gently slipped my arm around his. "Have you met my wife?" I'd say, "Hi, Maryanne, it's so nice to meet you."   (I'd think,"Sorry to burst your bubble, my dear, but you don't have a chance.")

He was never disrespectful to me in any way. We trusted each other implicitly. I never had to worry about him. He was where he said he'd be and with whom he said he'd be with. He came home when he said he would, and if for some reason he was delayed, he'd called and let me know. Not only that, he was true blue to me, as I was to him. Neither of us had or gave the other a reason to be jealous, ever.

When we'd kid each other, I'd tell him if he ever had a chance with Kathleen Turner, he had my permission to act on it. 

Bella


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## Been There (Jul 5, 2022)

I have had people tell me that they were jealous of me because I have no one to report to. No family that keeps getting into my business, no wife so there is no commitment and no one to tell me to take out the trash and etc. Little do they know or understand that in some cases I would trade places with them.


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## win231 (Jul 5, 2022)

Wren said:


> Hey Ronnie, I’m not overly jealous but don’t know many people, male or female who would be comfortable to see their partner ‘hugging, touching and patting’ young attractive members of the opposite sex
> 
> If I knew it upset my husband I’d reign it in a bit out of respect for his feelings


^^^^^ BINGO.  The best way to show a lack of respect for a spouse.


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## katlupe (Jul 5, 2022)

I have never been very jealous. But I have been married three times and two husbands were very jealous. My last one was so jealous and I would wonder why he thought anyone would be interested in me. I never went anywhere the last few years unless he was driving me. At times I could barely walk. After I made arrangements to leave him and met my now boyfriend, I found someone was interested in me! 

I never felt that I flirted on purpose. But for some reason that I never figured out men seem to like me. I thought those days were long gone but even now I have conversations with men when I am out. They usually start talking to me about something. Even if I am using my walker or mobility chair. I have always made friends with men easily. Not so much with women. In fact I was never someone who had a lot of girlfriends. Now I have more due to where I live and I really enjoy their friendships. 

I don't think I am jealous of other people due to their looks or possessions. I am happy being frugal and doing what I do. I refuse to become a grumpy old lady who allows illnesses to move into their body. I see what it does to others and usually it is that person that does not get along with anyone. Jealousy and envy equals misery in my opinion.


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## WheatenLover (Jul 5, 2022)

No. But one time about 47 years ago, I got angry, not jealous, and I did get even. My boyfriend screwed around on me, and I found out. That night, I let the air out of all 4 tires of his red sports car. Then I dumped him. He never accused me of letting the air out of his tires, so I don't think he suspected I did it.

Then he had the chutzpah to visit me at work, on a very important mission. He said he was moving and wanted me to marry him and go with him!!! I don't marry victims of my crimes. 

I can't think of a time when I've been jealous, but there must have been a few times, since I am human.


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## Cortie (Jul 18, 2022)

I got jealous when I was younger. My husband was young and handsome man, and he was popular through girls. I think that my wish to be the best girl for him made me better person, because all this actions were good for me too


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## Blessed (Jul 18, 2022)

I was a real terror in high school, I sent more than one girl running and crying.  I never had a physical altercation.  All they had to see was me coming down the hall towards them.  My sweet love, he never had a clue how handsome he was.   He had always been quite shy and was surprised by my interest. Trust me I was just a normal girl, nothing special, but he was.  

We met at fifteen, engaged at eighteen and married at twenty. Married for 31 years and one month when he passed.  I am sure when get there I will have to let all the ladies know I have arrived and they best back off. LOL I am sure I will be sent to the "office" yet again.


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## oldman (Jul 19, 2022)

Blessed said:


> I was a real terror in high school, I sent more than one girl running and crying.  I never had a physical altercation.  All they had to see was me coming down the hall towards them.  My sweet love, he never had a clue how handsome he was.   He had always been quite shy and was surprised by my interest. Trust me I was just a normal girl, nothing special, but he was.
> 
> We met at fifteen, engaged at eighteen and married at twenty. Married for 31 years and one month when he passed.  I am sure when get there I will have to let all the ladies know I have arrived and they best back off. LOL I am sure I will be sent to the "office" yet again.


Why were the girls running and crying? Just curious.


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## Ronni (Jul 19, 2022)

win231 said:


> ^^^^^ BINGO.  The best way to show a lack of respect for a spouse.


I'm copying and pasting an earlier response, to give a clearer picture.  

_Well it’s not like I hug, pat and touch all at once  I realize I gave that impression.

I’m a hugger. I’ll hug rather than handshake. Always have been.

As far as patting, touching etc, you know when you’re having a conversation and they say something that touches you in some way, or you’re empathetic to what they’re saying? I might reach out and pat their hand or touch them on the shoulder. Doesn’t matter who…old, young, male or female, I don’t discriminate and it’s not a planned thing or calculated in any way.

Just like I don’t make a plan to smile at appropriate times, I also don’t give any thought to those gestures. If you’re not a tactile person, you may not even understand what I’m taking about.

When I referenced the “young attractive male” thing, I was trying to say that my husband is selective in who he gets upset about  It seems his jealousy is reserved mostly for the kids’ boyfriends, but not all of them and not all the time. Even Ron himself can’t articulate why not everyone.

It’s perplexing and frustrating for the both of us….me because this is just a part of who I am, the way I’ve been my whole life with people no matter their age or gender, and it’s largely unconscious. Most of the time I have no idea what he’s talking about.

Him because it’s so knee-jerk and random, and even he recognizes the irrationality of it. Like I said, it’s frustrating and perplexing, hence therapy._


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## Blessed (Jul 19, 2022)

oldman said:


> Why were the girls running and crying? Just curious.


I had a very bad, mean older step brother.  He was very well known.  His reputation made me sound like trouble.  In their minds it was best not to bother me.  I never had the occasion to do anything but have a look on my face when it came to my sweetheart.


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## fuzzybuddy (Jul 20, 2022)

When I thought about, NO. But if you cheat, don't even bother coming home.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 20, 2022)

I was 54, she was 46. I was in really good shape at the time, especially considering all the trouble I'd had with my back, and she was a real looker; a blue-eyed compact sports model with a light blond top, great condition, could be a bit noisy if not well maintained. (Ha! Describes her to a "t") She was a sweetheart, too, but she didn't take BS from anyone. A little Spitfire. Just my type.

Anyway, me and Cheryl lived together for a little over a year in my little cabin-house up in northern Calif. I worked at a store just a short drive from it, and she was a waitress at a steak house on the other end of the town.

One day I went home about 3 hours earlier than usual and there was this full-sized pickup truck down at the end of my driveway. It was parked right in the center of the driveway and next to the detached garage, so I knew the driver didn't know me. I also knew that Cheryl was home; it was her day off. Oddly, home robbery or some sort of crime wasn't my first thought. So, I parked directly behind the truck and went into the house through the back, where our bedroom was....like, you go up the back steps and through the back door and you walk right into a big bedroom, clearly added-on, probably sometime in the early 70s.

But anyway, yep....Cheryl and the pickup guy, in our bed. They started flitting around, kicking blankets off, pulling them back on, both talking...explaining, I guess...and while they did all that, I locked the door and went across the room to this big built-in wardrobe and started getting out this set of suitcases we had, starting with the largest one, and I hear this guy say "Hey, man, I didn't know she was married" and I gave him the stink-eye and said "She doesn't act like it, does she?" Then I handed Cheryl a bunch of her clothes from the wardrobe and said "Pack." 

Then I told the guy to hurry up and get his shoes on because I wasn't going to carry her suitcases out to his truck, and they shot each other kind of a weird look. And she says to him "You can take me to my brother's." So I smiled and asked him if _he_ was married....because of course he was. But he didn't answer. He just looked down and pulled on his boots.

And that was pretty much it. I just stood there with my shoulder against a wall, keeping an eye on truck guy while Cheryl got dressed and packed. I was totally cool and calm, using an economy of words when I even said anything. I followed them out the door, him carrying two suitcases, followed by her carrying 2 bags of sundries and her blow-dryer and curling iron she got out of the bathroom. When she turned to me and asked about some stuff she didn't pack, I told her to send her brother for the rest, but have him call first. And then she got teary-eyed and red-nosed, and I just coolly walked past her and moved my car a little bit so they could leave.

I acted like I didn't care, you know? Just another fish in the sea, dime a dozen, no boo-hoos here. I had some really nice gardens going there, and at one point, the guy said to me "Seriously man, I thought she lived alone" and I said "...and did all this gardening? Gimme a f-ing break, dude." I felt like that added some credibility to my "don't give a rat's" act. 

But I was miserable after Cheryl left. Miserable! And angry. Oh man, I had some bad, sleepless nights for weeks, and it took up way too much space in my head for months; shoulda done this, shoulda said that. That's why I don't even look back anymore. When it's over, that's it, done, I'm not even gonna to ask why.


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## Pinky (Jul 20, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I was 54, she was 46. I was in really good shape at the time, especially considering all the trouble I'd had with my back, and she was a real looker; a blue-eyed compact sports model with a light blond top, great condition, could be a bit noisy if not well maintained. (Ha! Describes her to a "t") She was a sweetheart, too, but she didn't take BS from anyone. A little Spitfire. Just my type.
> 
> Anyway, me and Cheryl lived together for a little over a year in my little cabin-house up in northern Calif. I worked at a store just a short drive from it, and she was a waitress at a steak house on the other end of the town.
> 
> ...


Well handled, Frank.
Cheaters don't deserve us.


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## win231 (Jul 20, 2022)

Ronni said:


> I'm copying and pasting an earlier response, to give a clearer picture.
> 
> _Well it’s not like I hug, pat and touch all at once  I realize I gave that impression.
> 
> ...


The picture is clear.  It was clear before.


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## Ronni (Jul 20, 2022)

win231 said:


> The picture is clear.  It was clear before.


Wow. Implacable aren’t you? And judgmental too. But I already knew that about you.


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## mrstime (Jul 20, 2022)

Nope, he never gave me a reason, and I never gave him a reason.


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## win231 (Jul 20, 2022)

mrstime said:


> Nope, he never gave me a reason, and I never gave him a reason.


Smart married people never do.


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## Patricia (Jul 20, 2022)

Blessed said:


> I was a real terror in high school, I sent more than one girl running and crying.  I never had a physical altercation.  All they had to see was me coming down the hall towards them.  My sweet love, he never had a clue how handsome he was.   He had always been quite shy and was surprised by my interest. Trust me I was just a normal girl, nothing special, but he was.
> 
> We met at fifteen, engaged at eighteen and married at twenty. Married for 31 years and one month when he passed.  I am sure when get there I will have to let all the ladies know I have arrived and they best back off. LOL I am sure I will be sent to the "office" yet again.


Always nice to hear stories about high school sweethearts who stay together. I'm sorry that you lost your husband.


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## StarSong (Jul 21, 2022)

@Ronni, like you, I'm a tactile person.  I grew up surrounded by a warm, tactile extended Italian family.  I don't think an aunt, uncle, older cousin or grandparent ever spoke to me without gently touching my shoulder, back, hair, cheek, or arm.  It felt loving and natural.  

Truth is, I barely even notice that I sometimes touch people (mostly on the shoulder or arm) when speaking with them. It's my way. People don't seem to get the wrong impression, perhaps because folks like us aren't particularly rare.

I'm guessing Ron comes from a more reserved family and therefore misinterprets your casual gestures.

Kudos to you both for sorting it out in therapy. That's the true sign of a healthy couple.


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## win231 (Jul 21, 2022)

StarSong said:


> @Ronni, like you, I'm a tactile person.  I grew up surrounded by a warm, tactile extended Italian family.  I don't think an aunt, uncle, older cousin or grandparent ever spoke to me without gently touching my shoulder, back, hair, cheek, or arm.  It felt loving and natural.
> 
> Truth is, I barely even notice that I sometimes touch people (mostly on the shoulder or arm) when speaking with them. It's my way. People don't seem to get the wrong impression, perhaps because folks like us aren't particularly rare.
> 
> ...


Big difference between touching family members & touching strangers.
And, in a healthy marriage, one doesn't do things that annoy or hurt their spouse, whether or not it's innocent. 
It's called "Considering their spouse's feelings."


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## Shalimar (Jul 21, 2022)

I have been thinking about this quite a bit. I know my fiancé would be accepting of me being tactile with male family, others, no. It would seem flirtatious, and his feelings would be hurt. I would respect that, and refrain.


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## win231 (Jul 21, 2022)

Shalimar said:


> I have been thinking about this quite a bit. I know my fiancé would be accepting of me being tactile with male family, others, no. It would seem flirtatious, and his feelings would be hurt. I would respect that, and refrain.


^^^^^ Bingo!


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## feywon (Jul 21, 2022)

Nope!

First hubby and i were separated for 2+ yrs.  During that time he was involved with 2 women. i had acted as a single woman and expected that he would act like a single man. He was an extremely  jealous person.  We were separated again when he was killed by the jealous ex of one of two women he was seeing.  Ironic considering despite being raised Hindu he didn't believe in karma.

One of the women lived in same town, Santa Fe, where he'd been living when we reconciled.  i first met her via phone soon after i arrived. She was obviously  distressed by my presence, tho she said nothing direct about their involvement and actually was calling with location of a poetry group gathering. We went, the way she looked at him and things she said clearly intended to stir up problems were irritating him (not that it took much).

During a break i took her aside and explained how i felt:  What happened during separation  none of my business, but her getting him in bad mood when i would be going home with him and have to deal with it, certainly was, and i would not tolerate it. i have been told by many that despite my small size, i can 'project big' and be intimidating. Her behavior changed, and we were civil with each other tho she still occasionally made digs at him--i'd give her stern look and she'd stop. An older male poet that we often shared meals with supported  my view that when Dean showed her remarks distressed  him it just encouraged the behavior--like a child that settles for negative attention  if their good behavior  doesn't get them enough acknowledgement.  

The other woman he'd met in NYC and followed to NM. 10 yrs his senior, 5 yrs older than me., a poet & editor, who had moved to Israel some months before we reconciled.  He did not level with me about their relationship, even tho i saw letters arrive from her and we'd visited her house/property in a small town further north.  There i saw a bed frame he'd built which i really liked and we brought it back to our place. Turned out he'd built it for her and hadn't  informed her about that. Awkward but we agreed typical of him.

Come to find out he did not level with her either till i was heavily pregnant and he knew she was coming to Santa Fe. By time she arrived i'd  given birth to our twin boys. She'd actually sent a present when they were born--that's how i knew he didn't wait till picked her up at airport tell her.   Much to his discomfort, she and i got along quite  well-- more than just civil and probably would been good friends tho not have advanced to being besties even had we met some other way. We corresponded over the years off & on particularly after his death. 

We lost touch for a couple of years then found each other on FB, communicated there and via email for several years till she died a few months ago.  The best part of this story--her first name in Hebrew translates to my first name, Hadassah/Esther.


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## Pepper (Jul 21, 2022)

Your first husband was murdered @feywon?  How horrible!


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## dobielvr (Jul 21, 2022)

feywon said:


> Nope!
> 
> First hubby and i were separated for 2+ yrs.  During that time he was involved with 2 women. i had acted as a single woman and expected that he would act like a single man. He was an extremely  jealous person.  We were separated again when he was killed by the jealous ex of one of two women he was seeing.  Ironic considering despite being raised Hindu he didn't believe in karma.
> 
> ...


I feel for you.  That's a lot to take from one person, plus the other women floating around.
Too many emotions , head trips and decisions to deal with.  That would hurt my head.  And, my feelings.


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## feywon (Jul 21, 2022)

Pepper said:


> Your first husband was murdered @feywon?  How horrible!


Yes have mentioned on other posts. We were estranged at the time, each of us had custody of one of the boys. One witnessed in person the other thru twin telepathy. They were 3 1/2 yrs old. At first, my main concern was them, especially since it was just 15 days before Christmas. 

It wasn't till i got death certificate in mail in early January that i confronted my own sense of loss. Tho i would not have reconciled with him again i still loved him deeply. Sometime is love is not enough.


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## Ronni (Jul 21, 2022)

StarSong said:


> @Ronni, like you, I'm a tactile person.  I grew up surrounded by a warm, tactile extended Italian family.  I don't think an aunt, uncle, older cousin or grandparent ever spoke to me without gently touching my shoulder, back, hair, cheek, or arm.  It felt loving and natural.
> 
> Truth is, I barely even notice that I sometimes touch people (mostly on the shoulder or arm) when speaking with them. It's my way. People don't seem to get the wrong impression, perhaps because folks like us aren't particularly rare.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your perspective @StarSong. It helps to know I’m not the only one who reaches out with unconscious physical gestures of affection, concern, empathy, enthusiasm etc.

Our therapist is lovely, and has helped Ron uncover some earlier relationship trauma that has resulted in what he acknowledges is an overreaction. And has also helped me realize that my strong, negative response to his reaction is the result of my own fierce determination that I will never again become a victim, never again be controlled or allow another person dominion over me.

It’s an interesting mix of baggage that’s for sure!  Lots of emotion that’s sometimes difficult to wade through.  But we’re committed to coming out the other side of this stronger and closer, and so we’re digging deep!!


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## Ronni (Jul 22, 2022)

Shalimar said:


> I have been thinking about this quite a bit. I know my fiancé would be accepting of me being tactile with male family, others, no. It would seem flirtatious, and his feelings would be hurt. I would respect that, and refrain.


I do get that @Shalimar,  and objectively I even agree!  But where that breaks down for me is that my gestures are largely unconscious, I don’t discriminate between male/female, or young/old. I am responding to or conversing with people, period.

And as I’ve said, my gestures are unconscious, I don’t give them thought or conscious choice, and so to HAVE to do that would be like someone HAVING to become aware of … ugh, I don’t know….when they raise their eyebrows or blink or wrinkle their nose or some such. it’s introverting and makes for such a high level of self-consciousness that any spontaneity or animation in conversation is totally lost. I know that because I’ve tried it!  It’s very uncomfortable for me, and awkward, and just feels like I’m engaging in some kind of
pretense because it’s just not who I am.

And then of course, the moment I drop
My guard I forget, and then quietly panic trying to review my actions to see if I’ve done something/touched someone and who was I talking to and were they male or female and and and …..  It’s exhausting and uncomfortable.

For the moment My temporary solution is to just not go any place where there are other people, so no going out to eat, no bike rides to our favorite biker bar, no socializing with friends even at home for the most part . That isn’t sustainable for the long term, but while we’re digging into this via the therapy, it’s the best short term solution.


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