# I've had enough



## grannyjo (Aug 11, 2018)

I've had enough of my niece.  She's only 8 years younger than me,  has a very good income and living conditions - far better than my own income - I pay rent.  She hasn't paid rent or property taxes/rates for about 6 years now.

She says she wants to meet up with  "family and friends"  again,  so is doing the rounds for the the third time in four years.

What that means is that she wants to come and stay.   It is actually that she wants to have a holiday,  with minimal expense.

The last time she stayed with me,  She sat on her behind,  did nothing around the house,  and ate me out of house and home.  Didn't contribute anything to the costs of having her here.  Didn't want to go to the shops,  or any of the local attractions.  Sat there just checking her Facebook,  and eating.

This time she has said that because she has developed Diabetes type 2,  she will need to have "four balanced meals" each day.

She also has a very different "time clock" to me.  I like to go to bed early - she stays up until 11 or 12 at night.  I'm up about 5 or 6 in the morning,  and she's still in bed until 9 or 10 in the morning.

I am no longer prepared to put my life on hold to pander to her request for her to stay with me.

I have tried hinting that I don't like visitors,  but now I feel as if I might have to book her into a self contained apartment,  which will cost me some money,  but will lessen my anxiety levels.

Do you think I'm doing anything wrong?


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## applecruncher (Aug 11, 2018)

Your post baffles me.  

First of all, you KNOW you're not wrong. So let's get that out of the way.

Tell her 1) your budget is tight 2) you're not up for visitors, but if she wants to come  she will have to provide/pay for and prepare all her own food.

Pay for an apt for her stay??!!!  *WHAT?* You're kidding, right?

Why are you putting up with her nonsense?  Sounds to me like you'd rather she not come for a visit.  Stop allowing her to walk all over you.  Just STOP.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Aug 11, 2018)

I think you should tell her in no uncertain terms that you are not able to have overnight guests. And I don't think you need to explain yourself, either. Just: I'm sorry, but I cannot accommodate an overnight guest.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Aug 11, 2018)

Oh, yeah...I forgot about that part, the part about a separate apartment for her that you'd pay for. NO!!!!


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## Ruth n Jersey (Aug 11, 2018)

I think what you are doing wrong is giving in to her demands. She sounds very self centered. Maybe you could mention that a visit would be nice and you would look forward to seeing the sights with her and she could book an apartment while she visits. Explain that then she will be able to have her balanced meals when she pleases,you won't run the risk of disturbing her because you are such an early riser and once in awhile the two of you could go out to dinner and that you don't do much cooking anymore. Maybe she will think twice about it.


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## Aunt Bea (Aug 11, 2018)

I agree with the others, just say *NO!!!

*It hurts a little the first couple of times that you say it but it gets easier with practice.

Good luck!


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## ronaldj (Aug 11, 2018)

tell her to visit but stay at an inn and eat out. better yet, stay away.


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## jujube (Aug 11, 2018)

You can be taken advantage of only as far as you allow it.  I know it's hard to say "no" to family, but you're going to have to do it or it will be the same next year, and the year after, and......


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## SeaBreeze (Aug 11, 2018)

Grannyjo, she doesn't seem to sincerely want to visit _you_, she's just 'making the rounds', something she does almost once a year recently?  I would just tell her no, really, she isn't being very considerate and if she's acted like that as a guest in the past, I doubt she'd change her spots now.  You already know how it will be, I agree with the others here to just say no...it isn't easy but is sometimes necessary.

You shouldn't have to experience any kind of stress at all for her visit, it should be pleasurable for both of you, if it isn't, don't let it happen.  If you want to be nice, just tell he that you're not up for company right now.  If she asks why, you don't have to give any excuse or explanations to her, just repeat that you're not up to it and don't want her to come.

Paying for her apartment or hotel room is crazy, don't do it!  That would still be stressful for you and it will hurt your pocketbook even more.  When I was young I had a lot of trouble saying 'no', but when I found that I was being taken advantage of, I started to firmly say 'no', and it worked.  Like Bea said, it gets easier each time, just do it! 

Honestly, at our ages, we shouldn't fall victim to pushy people, related or not.  Be strong, tell her no, you won't regret it and it won't hurt her either. :love_heart:


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## C'est Moi (Aug 11, 2018)

applecruncher said:


> Your post baffles me.
> 
> First of all, you KNOW you're not wrong. So let's get that out of the way.
> 
> ...



^^   This.   All of it.  X2


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## Butterfly (Aug 11, 2018)

grannyjo, I agree with those above.  Just say a big fat NO!  And stick to it.

She can only take advantage of you insofar as you allow her to do so.

And the idea of paying for an apartment for her?? NO NO NO!  

You have no obligation to finance her mooching lifestyle. Just say NO; don't apologize or explain and don't feel sorry for her and don't feel guilty, and don't let her wear you down.  Just NO, and don't budge from that.


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## Linda (Aug 12, 2018)

Even if you had tons of money, why would you want this freeloader around?  Tell her you can't accommodate her and if she or any of the other relatives don't like it, tell them to .................. well, just tell her you aren't going to change your mind.


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## terry123 (Aug 12, 2018)

Linda said:


> Even if you had tons of money, why would you want this freeloader around?  Tell her you can't accommodate her and if she or any of the other relatives don't like it, tell them to .................. well, just tell her you aren't going to change your mind.


Agree with every body here. She has shown you who she is so say no and no explanation.  Look out for yourself as nobody else will!!


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## hollydolly (Aug 12, 2018)

Agreed with everyone...double..triple in fact ...Do not allow this woman to take advantage of you.. absolutely NOT!!!!!


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## moviequeen1 (Aug 12, 2018)

Grannyjo,please listen to what everybody else has said.Don't let her your niece 'bully/take advantage of you.If she wants to come for a visit,she needs to know you will not pay for her living arrangements.Stay strong and tell her NO,NO,NO!! Sue


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## Elsie (Aug 12, 2018)

"Would love to see you, niece.  Having overnight company, or longer, has become too stressful for my health, so would you first want me to find a self contained apartment for you to stay in before you decide to come, or would you prefer to find one on your own?  And at what price are you willing to pay?"


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## AprilSun (Aug 12, 2018)

I agree with everyone!!!! Don't let this niece do this to you and she will as long as you let her!!!!! If anyone gets upset with you because you didn't, just tell them they can do it for you if they don't like it!!!!


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## grannyjo (Aug 12, 2018)

OK.  I said  "NO"  you can't stay with me.

She burst into tears and said   "I thought that you loved me -  I'm only 2 hours away".

She is currently staying with my step brother's granddaughter.  A person I have never actually  met.

I am the youngest of all my siblings in a very large family.

The last of my brothers and sisters died about 5 years ago.

I really don't want to carry the burden of carrying on the  family.


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## SeaBreeze (Aug 12, 2018)

grannyjo said:


> OK.  I said  "NO"  you can't stay with me.
> 
> She burst into tears and said   "I thought that you loved me -  I'm only 2 hours away".
> 
> She is currently staying with my step brother's granddaughter.  A person I have never actually  met.



I'm glad you said no Grannyjo.  It sounds weird me that she would burst into tears like that.  Were they crocodile tears, was she just trying to lay a guilt trip on you by saying you didn't love her, or was she just trying to manipulate you because you were interfering with her travel/visitation plans?  I guess if any of these were the reason, it should be ignored....and you shouldn't give into her.  Just my opinion.


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## Lethe200 (Aug 12, 2018)

"Love" is not an excuse for an obligation.

You owe her nothing. If she wants to visit you, she can get an Airbnb or a hotel, and be on her personal schedule without bothering anyone. 

And you do not need to make any reservations for her. If she can work Facebook, she can manage TripAdvisor, Hotels.com, Trivago, Priceline, or any of the dozens of travel sites to find an inexpensive place to stay.


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## terry123 (Aug 12, 2018)

Lethe200 said:


> "Love" is not an excuse for an obligation.
> 
> You owe her nothing. If she wants to visit you, she can get an Airbnb or a hotel, and be on her personal schedule without bothering anyone.
> 
> And you do not need to make any reservations for her. If she can work Facebook, she can manage TripAdvisor, Hotels.com, Trivago, Priceline, or any of the dozens of travel sites to find an inexpensive place to stay.


Very true!!


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## applecruncher (Aug 12, 2018)

Glad you said "No", grannyjo.  

Her tears were manipulation.

Enough is enough!


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## rgp (Aug 13, 2018)

Your niece has found a mark....and she knows it....stop being the mark.


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## hollydolly (Aug 13, 2018)

Well done Grannyjo... ''I thought you loved me""?...well the same thing could be said about her...if she ''loved _you'_' she wouldn't be taking advantage of your good nature, and she'd still want to visit you while paying for her own accommodation.

Good for you sayin NO ..in life you need to rid yourself of Toxic people...


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## GeorgiaXplant (Aug 13, 2018)

Yup. What Hollydolly said x 10!


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## AprilSun (Aug 13, 2018)

If it is only about love, she would still come and visit for a few hours and leave to stay at a hotel or go back where she was since she is "only 2 hours away". It still sounds like she's trying to take advantage of you.


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## grannyjo (Aug 13, 2018)

She really is either a total oblivious person,  or a total leech.

She contacted me again today and said she would be staying with someone else - "for as long as she feels comfortable".

She does not seem to understand that if she goes to someone else's home,  it is for as long as  "they"  feel comfortable - not her.

She will drop in for a visit,  but I'm not really sure that I want that either.  I think I will suggest that we meet at the local mall for morning or afternoon tea or lunch,  whenever it is that she gets here.

You can't choose your family.  Thank goodness for friends,  who never seem to overstep the boundaries!


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## SeaBreeze (Aug 13, 2018)

grannyjo said:


> She does not seem to understand that if she goes to someone else's home,  it is for as long as  "they"  feel comfortable - not her.
> 
> She will drop in for a visit,  but I'm not really sure that I want that either.  I think I will suggest that we meet at the local mall for morning or afternoon tea or lunch,  whenever it is that she gets here.



She seems to be very selfish for sure.  You're smart not letting her come over for a 'visit', meeting for lunch away from your house should be the most you do in this situation.  I don't think I would even do that, you're just opening yourself up to a lot of verbal abuse from her, fussing or begging, I don't see anything good coming from seeing her at all....since you already said you did not want her to visit.

Just thinking of what I would do....to me no is no, not you'll drop in for a visit anyway.  I really wouldn't want to see her in person at all after that phone call.  You already have been put through too much drama already with this one, you need a hard break in my opinion.


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## moviequeen1 (Aug 14, 2018)

SeaBreeze said:


> She seems to be very selfish for sure.  You're smart not letting her come over for a 'visit', meeting for lunch away from your house should be the most you do in this situation.  I don't think I would even do that, you're just opening yourself up to a lot of verbal abuse from her, fussing or begging, I don't see anything good coming from seeing her at all....since you already said you did not want her to visit.
> 
> Just thinking of what I would do....to me no is no, not you'll drop in for a visit anyway.  I really wouldn't want to see her in person at all after that phone call.  You already have been put through too much drama already with this one, you need a hard break in my opinion.



I agree with everything you said Sue


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## AprilSun (Aug 14, 2018)

grannyjo said:


> She really is either a total oblivious person,  or a total leech.
> 
> She contacted me again today and said she would be staying with someone else - "for as long as she feels comfortable".
> 
> ...



This would make me wonder what she is up to now. I would do what I felt like doing and not worry about her because it's obvious she doesn't care about anyone but herself. No, you can't choose family. That's what I've told people before. Just because they're family doesn't mean we have to agree with everything they say or do.


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## Kitties (Aug 14, 2018)

The only thing you are doing wrong is not stating a complete NO! Do not let her into your home. I'm a little confused at your post also. She has good income and living conditions? Is this disability, retirement, social security. If she has a home, why is she going to all these people's homes.

Dont let her in, tell her no. You owe her nothing. I have to help my stepfather out of an obligation but he will never live with me. You have to draw this line. Ask her not to come at all and if she does, close the door. It sounds harsh but you want to be her supporting door mat.


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## Kitties (Aug 14, 2018)

grannyjo said:


> OK.  I said  "NO"  you can't stay with me.
> 
> She burst into tears and said   "I thought that you loved me -  I'm only 2 hours away".
> 
> ...


Missed this post. Congratulations on saying no. You absolutely did the right thing. Her tears are ridiculous. Don't let them bother you.


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## Catlady (Aug 14, 2018)

Yes, DO NOT let her come and visit at your home.  Once in your home and she refuses to leave, what will you do, call the cops?  It's okay if you meet for lunch, as long as you have resolved to be firm and not let her come to stay with you.  Expect her to shower you with tears and give you a guilt trip if you say NO.  She already tried on the phone,  "I thought you loved me . . . "


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## Butterfly (Aug 14, 2018)

I agree with those above.  I would not answer the door when she drops by.  

The tears and the "I thought you loved me" stuff is just manipulation to make you feel guilty.  I wouldn't go out to lunch or whatever, either; she's just looking for a foot in the door.  

Congratulations on saying "no."  I know this all must make you feel awful, but you'd feel worse if you let her take advantage of you and make your life miserable.


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## AZ Jim (Aug 14, 2018)

With the modern focus on losing weight, this seems and ideal way to cut some dead weight!  Let her find another sucker!


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## Packerjohn (Sep 4, 2018)

There is a old Polish saying, "Fish & guests stink after 3 days".  Don't let people take advantage of your good heart.  She is a user.  Kick her out!


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## Keesha (Sep 4, 2018)

Narcissistic people ARE selfish self centred people who take kindness for weakness. It’s all one big power trip for these people. 
Being oblivious to other people’s concerns is part of their charming personality. 
Narcissists WILL, with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY,  SUCK the LIFE out of you and think NOTHING of it. :shrug:
Their minds are wired differently. If you enjoy living keep as far away from these people as possible. 

Life saving lessons 101 - Save yourself first. You can’t help anyone if you’re drowning and a narcissist will happily use you as a life raft knowing full well , you are drowning.

SAY NO!
SAY NO!
SAY NO!

Make it your daily mantra.


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## jaminhealth (Sep 4, 2018)

No is a complete sentence.


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## Catlady (Sep 4, 2018)

Kitties said:


> I'm a little confused at your post also. She has good income and living conditions? Is this disability, retirement, social security.* If she has a home, why is she going to all these people's homes*.



I'm also curious about that.  Wish grannyjo would UPDATE us and clarify the niece's situation.


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## grannyjo (Sep 4, 2018)

Just a bit of an update.

She has been with the "chosen" people for her holiday break for the past 5 days.

They've had enough and have suggested that she should move on over the next day or two.

She really does not understand that you can't just plaster yourself onto someone/anyone for as long as you like.

I have managed to convince her that I do not want her to visit me.

Told her that I am annoyed/angered by people who want to stay in my home.  Even if they go to bed,  and rise at the crack of dawn like I do.

She has suggested that when she passes through next time,  in December that she  "might"  turn up for either an early lunch,  or for morning tea.

I really do think I will not be available at that time.

I think I will


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## Keesha (Sep 4, 2018)

grannyjo said:


> Just a bit of an update.
> 
> She has been with the "chosen" people for her holiday break for the past 5 days.
> 
> ...


BRAVO granny jo! Bravo 
That was perfect :clap:You learn quickly.


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## Shalimar (Sep 4, 2018)

grannyjo, I wish more people had your courage, they wouldn’t need to sit in my office helplessly wondering why they are feeling bullied by relatives.


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## Catlady (Sep 4, 2018)

grannyjo said:


> She has suggested that when she passes through next time,  in December that she  "might"  turn up for either an early lunch,  or for morning tea.



So, she's doing the ''rounds'' now and plans to repeat them in December, 3 short months from now?  Does she actually have a home or does she live temporarily with people the whole 12 months of a year?  Whatever you do, if you DO meet her, do it somewhere else away from your home, never let her inside your door.  Wonder if her current hosts are providing her with those ''four balanced meals a day'' for her diabetic problem?


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## Elsie (Sep 5, 2018)

I too have been wondering if she actually has a home of her own.  How does she pay for all her traveling here & there?  What is she "running" from?  Boredom?  Police? lol  Just loves to travel, see how the people she uses live & the cities/towns they live in and she does it on the cheap?  Does she pay her way in groceries, etc.?   How does she handle disappointment, and anger?  Does she carry a gun? lol


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## RadishRose (Sep 5, 2018)

I don't understand-


*She has suggested that when she passes through next time,  in December  that she  "might"  turn up for either an early lunch,  or for morning  tea.

I really do think I will not be available at that time.

I think I will

*Why didn't you just say no? Also, you didn't finish your last sentence.


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## toffee (Sep 11, 2018)

well reading between the lines here ''i say CHRISTMAS IS ON THE CARDS !!!!!
She is testing the water as they say for a re-action on the C word ….keep your wits about u 
or father xmas may come early over the festive season lol ……….


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## OneEyedDiva (Sep 17, 2018)

grannyjo said:


> OK.  I said  "NO"  you can't stay with me.
> 
> She burst into tears and said   "I thought that you loved me -  I'm only 2 hours away".
> 
> ...


A good reply to that would be "I do love you and that's why I want to help you turn into a responsible, independent adult. I feel that's the best gift I can give you".


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