# Daughter just never contacts me ... I am so lost



## Bettyann (Mar 4, 2018)

My daughter and her girls (now grown) and I used to be so very close... I never ever thought that this would be a problem for me... Over the past couple of years or so, my daughter (who lives about 5 miles from me) never phones me or contacts me in anyway, but does respond with a short text msg when I text to say good night and hope day was good. Seems like every time I call its not the 'right time'... I am not demanding, not whiney, try to be upbeat even when I don't feel like it.. 

I called about a half an hour ago and she said she only had a minute or so, because they (she and her family) were going to watch the Oscars... and I just kept it light and said that I just wanted to say hello because I really missed everybody and hoped everyone was ok....she said, as usual, she is just so busy. I am now 80 years old and she is 53...

We've never really had a falling out and I've asked her to call me sometimes when she has a chance or maybe we could get together for coffee...but that just never happens. I've heard that sometimes this happens...the oldersters just get ignored and left out and not paid attention to anymore. I've asked her (and even my gr daus) if I've done something 'wrong'...but it doesn't seem like it...I'm scared of making my daughter upset with me if I just say "I am so lonely and missing you (altho I have in the past) ...and can we PLEASE get together... we used to (she and gr daus & their little ones) I am getting more and more upset but try to get past it... Tomorrow I'll ask if there is a therapist I can talk with that comes to our bldg.

Can any of you relate to this? How did you handle it... I want to thank you ahead of time for any and all replies. Take care. Betty


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## CindyLouWho (Mar 4, 2018)

Bettyann, 

I am so sorry you are going through this, I can feel how hurt you are, understandably. Since your daughter and you used to be so close and you can't figure out why she is acting this way towards you, do you feel you could discuss your feelings with her and get to the bottom of what is really happening?


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## terry123 (Mar 5, 2018)

Sent you a pm.  I understand!!


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## Wren (Mar 5, 2018)

I am so sad for you Bettyann, I also have a daughter the same age and it would break my heart if she were to treat me in such a callous way

I imagine it’s down to thoughtlessness, your daughter sounds like she’s so wrapped up in her own life she dosn’t feel the need to worry about you, unfair yes but I have no answers

Do you have friends or other relatives you could spend time with, rather than rely on your daughter and her children ? Are there any Day Centres you could visit, it’s not the same but it would be company for you and may brighten your life a little

Sending you hugs across the miles x


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## Camper6 (Mar 5, 2018)

Lots of people are in the same situation as you.

Just keep texting and stay in touch.


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## Aunt Bea (Mar 5, 2018)

I don't have any children but my relationship with my family is similar to yours.

I keep up with them through Facebook and get a call once or twice a year.

We don't have any problems we're just not close.  When we do meet or talk we pick up right where we left off and then go our separate ways.

Maybe you could create your own extended family with people in your building, Senior Center, etc... to help fill the void.

Good luck!


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## Smiling Jane (Mar 5, 2018)

I agree with Aunt Bea. For the sake of your peace of mind, it's probably better if you can make friends elsewhere. Organizations are finally waking up to the fact that too many seniors are alone and lonely, and there are more opportunities to socialize than there were before. I hope you'll take advantage of that and make a life of your own. A counselor would be a good idea, and Denver is a large enough city to have social outlets for seniors.

It would be charitable to attribute your daughter's behavior to thoughlessness, but when she refuses to take the time to talk to you instead of watching the stupid Oscars, she knows she's being cruel.


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## twinkles (Mar 5, 2018)

my daughter has the same problem  with her daughter and granddaughter--they live about 20 minutes away-but if she has any problems she will call her mom---i have a daughter who lives right next door to me i havent heard from her since she sent over a  christmas card by my youngest daughter--it use to bother me but not anymore


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## James (Mar 5, 2018)

My mother in law has three daughters all living within 15-20 minutes of her.  My wife is the only one that visits or calls.

Its pretty sad but she has accepted the fact that its their problem and there is nothing she can do to change that.  She's in her early 90's and she still makes an effort to send cards on special occasions but that's it.  She said she's too long in the tooth to care anymore.


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## CindyLouWho (Mar 5, 2018)

What *is *wrong with people. This irks me.......I'd love the chance to call or visit my parents again, they passed away in 1984 & 2006. Sure, parent/child relationships can be rocky, that's life. Take the higher road, no matter what your differences are, because someday that could be you in your older years sitting there lonely wishing your children would call or visit you.


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## moviequeen1 (Mar 5, 2018)

BettyAnn,I'm sorry you are going thru a rough time with your daughter,I don't have any children,but family relationships can be strained at times,.
.I'm especially close with my younger brother,not so much with my older sister.I'm the only family member who chose to stay here in Buffalo.
Over the years,I have made a group of friends I consider my 'extended family',I would be lost without them.When ever they need my help,I'm there for them& and vice versa. Pat,my next door neighbor in our apt building is like a 'surrogate mother' to me since my mom died in '03. She is 81
I hope your daughter changes her attitude,stop being so'self absorbed' in her life,have the common decency to actually come visit instead of texting. I'll keep you in my prayers that something will happen soon Sue


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## Smiling Jane (Mar 5, 2018)

Bettyann, will your daughter be surprised to discover you've left your entire estate to the local Animal Humane association?


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## Lara (Mar 6, 2018)

Bettyann, below is some inspiration for fun ideas but let me start by saying that I worked full time and still drove 45 minutes to and another 45 from my mother's house, 3X a week, when she was in her 80's (and more often in her 90's). Plus, she had another daughter living closer who had her over every Friday night for dinner and a tv movie or favorite show. 

That was actually not enough for my mother as she needed something to look forward to everyday. So she filled her extra 3 days line dancing with a group of friends, being active in her church (a couple in the church put on a luncheon for seniors once a week), and she was a member of a book club. She had a Kindle and read a lot too. 

She took walks in the neighborhood and made friends with the children. She knew their names and they called her Miss Shirley. They would ring the doorbell sometimes and want to come in and see her latest artwork.


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## Vega_Lyra (Mar 6, 2018)

*Very sad..*..
*Indeed,  "you see a person’s true colors when you are no longer beneficial to their life. "*


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## hollydolly (Mar 6, 2018)

twinkles said:


> my daughter has the same problem  with her daughter and granddaughter--they live about 20 minutes away-but if she has any problems she will call her mom---i have a daughter who lives right next door to me i havent heard from her since she sent over a  christmas card by my youngest daughter--it use to bother me but not anymore



Twinkles..is it your daughter right next door whom you haven't heard from since Christmas? Oh how can that be?... don't you see her at all..? I'm so sorry you have to cope with that it must be heartbreaking


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## hollydolly (Mar 6, 2018)

Vega_Lyra said:


> *Very sad..*..
> *Indeed,  "you see a person’s true colors when you are no longer beneficial to their life. "*



Very wise and so true


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## twinkles (Mar 6, 2018)

i see her when she gets in her car --but as far as her calling or coming over she doesnt -- she use to come over every day-i guess i no how she does if she has someone else she dont want to associate with you--- i have learned to accept it


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## hollydolly (Mar 6, 2018)

twinkles said:


> i see her when she gets in her car --but as far as her calling or coming over she doesnt -- she use to come over every day-i guess i no how she does if she has someone else she dont want to associate with you--- i have learned to accept it




oooh that must have been so hard for you to come to terms with...


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## JimW (Mar 6, 2018)

Bettyann, sorry to hear you're dealing with this. Unfortunately it's much more prevalent than most folks would like to believe.

My wife is dealing with the same thing with her 32 year old son. It breaks her heart because they were very close not that long ago. She too has asked many times what was wrong or what she did, but never gets an answer. There's not much you can do or say without risking alienating them altogether. She is starting to accept it for what it is, but what hurts the most is not seeing or talking to her two grandsons. Sometimes she cries about it and I console her. It sucks, but I'll help her do whatever she needs to come to terms with it as best she can.

I hope things change for the better for you!


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## OneEyedDiva (Mar 6, 2018)

CindyLouWho said:


> Bettyann,
> 
> I am so sorry you are going through this, I can feel how hurt you are, understandably. Since your daughter and you used to be so close and you can't figure out why she is acting this way towards you, do you feel you could discuss your feelings with her and get to the bottom of what is really happening?


Seems it would be kind of hard to discuss her feelings in any length because her daughter cuts the conversation every time she calls. With no call backs, I don't see how that could happen.


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## OneEyedDiva (Mar 6, 2018)

So sad you are going through this Bettyann. I wonder if your daughter is having problems that she's afraid you'll detect if she talks with you for too long. It's sad when parents feel their children are being neglectful. It must be especially hard because I know how we grandparents love seeing our grandchildren. My son has gotten more attentive now that I'm getting up there in age. I'd handle it with "angry humor". I let him know in no uncertain terms when he's done something to displease me but we're so crazy that I add humor to it, which usually gets his attention and the proper response. But I can't say that would work for you and your daughter because your relationship is different than ours. I hope somehow this gets resolved and you two will resume you close relationship once again.


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## CindyLouWho (Mar 6, 2018)

OneEyedDiva said:


> Seems it would be kind of hard to discuss her feelings in any length because her daughter cuts the conversation every time she calls. With no call backs, I don't see how that could happen.


It It It may _appear_ somewhat obvious that any kind of a discussion would be doubtful, from what we do know, but you would be surprised. 

She probably has not told her daughter _directly_, _to the point_, how she feels, so her daughter is not saying anything either. I think it might be a different story if she spoke up. It's worth a try & better than sitting in agony wondering. What is the worst thing that could happen since it is not a good situation as it is now either?


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## Catlady (Mar 10, 2018)

CindyLouWho said:


> She probably has not told her daughter _directly_, _to the point_, how she feels, so her daughter is not saying anything either. I think it might be a different story if she spoke up. It's worth a try & better than sitting in agony wondering. What is the worst thing that could happen since it is not a good situation as it is now either?



I agree completely.  Since OP is feeling neglected and spurned without knowing the reason why, and the relationship is mainly one sided and almost non-existent, what does Bettyann have to lose by forcing a show-down? I myself would rather know and stop wondering.  Maybe it would be best to send your daughter a letter expressing your feelings and asking for a reply.  If she does not answer, just accept the situation and no longer contact her and try to find an extended family like others have suggested.  Join a group or find out what your community has to offer seniors.  Hey, Asian countries had the reputation of caring for their elders and venerating them, and now things are changing there too and old people are treated like cr@p.  Times are-a-changing and for the worse.  Good luck Maryann!


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## Ken N Tx (Mar 14, 2018)




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## Gary O' (Mar 14, 2018)

I dunno, maybe I’m wunna them
Folks never called me, ‘cept Dad in his last year (up to then, he was busy living in the future)
Kids contact me about once a year maybe

I figger it this way;
They are living their lives
Adult lives
Busy
With work (work today is hectic, no matter what it is)
With their kids (kids are weird these days)

If I called them, and maybe too much, well, even if they begin to respond, it kinda ruins things
It’s like someone saying their sorry after asking them 

I’d leave it lay
They’ll call or write when they feel the need themselves

And it’ll be the best ever, not a chore on their part


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## Warrigal (Mar 14, 2018)

I interact with a lot of my family members via Facebook.
I'm terrible at phone calls but I do send messages via FB quite often.
I have a new persona with the grandkids, who are all adults now. 
I'm G'ma and they think that is cooler than Grandma.


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## NancyNGA (Mar 14, 2018)

Gary O' said:


> I dunno, maybe I’m wunna them
> Folks never called me, ‘cept Dad in his last year (up to then, he was busy living in the future)
> Kids contact me about once a year maybe
> 
> ...


Those are my feelings also.  Couldn't have said it better.


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## rgp (Mar 15, 2018)

This is going to sound terrible , and perhaps it is ? But it is honest.

 I don't have any family really. Divorced over 40yrs , no kids. I have a half sister in another state, but we just never stayed 'close' . I have seen her only once since our mother died in 1997. Sometimes we send cards...B/D & Christmas....sometimes not. The 'not' doesn't upset me, and doubt it does her.

   I have heard so many horror stories over the years, I'm glad I don't. I expect nothing from no one , and no one expects from me. As such I spend no time wringing my hands over ?? And no one pines for me.

 As for kids? Again, glad I have none...some of the stories I have heard over the years are down right scary, and even more of them sad. 

But !...I think the 'seed' of the adult-child relationship is planted when the adult-child is still just a child. What is it said?...we reap what we sow?

A friend was perplexed about his daughters reluctance to come & care for him in his hour of need. I kept my nose out of it, till he [sort of] pushed the issue looking for an agreement from me. Finally my response was not what he wanted to hear. I knew/know, the man for all the years of his daughter's life, from the time she was mid high-school, through to this day. 

Without going into particulars, he wasn't there for her...but did IMO shower her with 'things'...well now she lives for 'things'....and has little to no time for him.

I don't think he ever accepted that ?...but did get over being pissed at me .

Who will take care of me ?...when I am in my advanced years . Me....All I hope for is that the mailman will call 911 before the mail collects too deep on the porch floor.


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## delawarelady (Mar 15, 2018)

Bettyanne, tell your daughter"Listen you only have one mother and once she's gone you won't so take advantage of the opportunities now while you can"


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## Ken N Tx (Mar 20, 2018)




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## WhatInThe (Mar 26, 2018)

Besides just growing apart with time, different interests, schedules etc there was probably a slow cooking issue that finally prevailed. You're not the only one. I've witnessed stuffff at funerals, holidays dinners, during catastrophic illnesses etc. There could be an unresolved or unaddressed issue from decades ago. I notice many when it comes to relationships become or are not articulate which makes it much more difficult. When ever you do communicate get right to the point and keep the conversation moving if it stalls. But don't be surprised if no results. Not implying but I've noticed in someway alcohol and/or drugs plays a part in many a family dispute or feud with at least one of the parties. Again though you're not unique, I've seen it play out too often.


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