# My husband retired - I'm so depressed!



## babs75

My husband retired a month ago.  He is 64-1/2.  I am 62.  It is really sooner than I would have liked but it's what he wanted.  I will continue working.  I love my job and make a good living at it.  We will not be pulling social security or retirement yet.  We are going to try to manage on my salary and our savings.  It's depressing to have my income cut in half.  We used to live a fairly comfortable life but he has always been a spender.   He spends too much money and evidently now thinks that retirement is a vacation.  He's upset with me that I've told him he needs to cut back.  I've noticed the past month that he gets bored during the day so he goes to the store.   I've laid all expenses out on a spreadsheet and we have been able to make a few changes but not nearly enough.  

I enjoyed having the house to myself for an hour or so in the morning after he left for work. I would get to watch what news station I wanted to watch and catch up on DVR recordings while getting ready for work (he has control of the remote.....I could watch in another room but I rather like the TV in the family room so I DVR a lot of stuff.  He seems to think he can dictate what I watch). Now there's no time to watch my recordings. 

 He goes to bed earlier than me because of all of those years of going to work at 6 a.m. and I get an hour to myself in the evening to chill.  I tend to watch things he doesn't like and he will ALWAYS comment on what station the TV was on when he gets up in the morning so I try to remember to change it before I go to bed.  (I do the same thing with the car radio -- eliminates one less thing for him to b*tch about). 

  I work from home 2 days a week, 3 days in the office, and I cherished those work from home days because I was there by myself where I had peace and quiet.  That is all gone.  He is always there!  With the exception of a few times per summer when he camps up at acreage we have in the forest.  Those days are few and far between and they are a vacation for me to be home by myself!  He tends to like to control things and thinks he can plan my 2 days off on the weekend.

  Sewing and crafting seem to be a thing of the past now. I used to take vacation days from work when he was working just to get things done at home, run errands, time to do what I want to do but I can't even do that anymore.  I tried it recently and he seemed to think he could plan my day for me.   After 41 years of marriage and trying to keep him happy, this is just getting worse and worse.  What can I do to pull myself out of this?  I wish he'd go back to work but he has no intention of doing that.


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## jujube

Oh, Babs, you have my sympathy.  As the saying goes, "I married him for better or worse, but not for retirement." 

My grandfather retired early and almost drove my grandmother insane.  He no longer had anyone to supervise, so he supervised her.  She had been doing housework and cooking and laundry for many, many years but now wasn't doing them _correctly_.  The carpet wasn't being swept in the correct direction, the dishes weren't  being stacked correctly or put away correctly and the laundry....well...you get the picture.  I think men just need to supervise; it's in their genes. 

Can you get him to join a men's club or volunteer somewhere where he can be "in charge" of something?


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## JimW

Welcome to Senior Forums.

I really don't mean to come across as crass here, but I probably will. Aside from the money issue these things seem like petty issues that should have been ironed out long ago, especially in a 41 year marriage. You had to know this time was coming and it appears neither of you prepared for it. I don't see all the blame being on either side, to me you both could give a little to make things easier.


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## babs75

Too many years of walking on pins and needles here.  I gave up long ago.  He is as stubborn as they come and my son and his wife had NO idea what he was like until they moved in with us a couple years ago for a few months when they were shopping for a house.  I do what ever I do to keep his anger down even if it means sacrificing myself.  Monthly counseling helps me a lot.  Sorry I spoke up.


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## hollydolly

aww a little Harsh Jim.. be kinder to our new member.. 

welcome Babs...

 I have no suggestions for you, I'm in the process of finding this out for myself at the moment.. my husband is still working full time, but as he's approaching his 6oth Birthday he's cut back on his VERY HEAVY workload, and having more days off.. he deserves everyone of them, but I am having real trouble with his annoying ways at home..always been there but got soooo much worse lately , and now I hate to say it but I'm beginning to dread him having any time off, because he spoils the day with his pedantry and his constant need to know where I am (even in the house) ..and so much more things that are irritating me.. ..so if you find an answer to this let me know..


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## babs75

Yeah, that "in the house" thing.  I don't understand it.  Like I said, the sewing and crafting have gone by the wayside pretty much unless it's knitting in front of the TV (and I have a one year old granddaughter who I starting sewing for a year ago!) because that room is upstairs as is my work from home office.  If he's there and I'm upstairs, I get the 'what are you doing???'  "Uh, sewing!"  I feel trapped sometimes like I'm not even able to move about my own house.  That why, when he's gone camping, it's like Ferris Bueller's day off because I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.  To make matters worse, I am the guardian and conservator for my 93 year old father because none of my other siblings would do it.  Guess I drew the short straw.  Dad does not live with us and luckily he can afford the use of a care manager and caregivers to help but I am there every Saturday afternoon.  Hubby hates it so I know better than to discuss with him.  I do not wish this guardianship thing on anyone.  It is a lot of work. I am going to petition the court this fall to allow me to move him to assisted living.  He shouldn't be in his house anymore.  If I am not allowed to move him, I will probably request a private guardian.


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## Ruthanne

Hi babs75.  I'm sorry you are having such difficulties with your hubby.  I don't have anything to add but just want to say:


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## Uptosnuff

Babs

I understand what you are going thru.  My situation is sort of similar to yours.  I am still working and my husband was let go from his job in March.  He is only 60 and has no intention of going back to work.  For all intents and purposes he considers himself retired.  He used to work every other weekend and I had them all to myself to do the things I wanted to when I wanted.  Now, he is there all the time and I have to compromise on everything.  I don't think it would bother me so much if it hadn't have happened so suddenly.  This is not how we planned our entry into retirement.  All of a sudden our income was cut in half and we had to scramble to make that money stretch.

I had to smile at your description of the TV remote.  It's the same at my house.  He views the remotes as his territory.  My husband is also on the controlling side like yours is.

What I have had to do is learn to speak up.  When I want to watch something, I let him know.  If I need my alone time, I just let him know in a nice way.  I am discussing things with him more now than I used to and that's a good thing.

I'm starting to see the good things that can happen when your husband retires.  We are going on bike rides together, he usually has taken care of dinner for me when I come home, he is doing projects around the acreage that have been sitting there for years.  I hope you will eventually discover good things also.  It is a work in progress.

Good luck!!


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## RadishRose

Hi Babs,



I feel for you. 

Try to get him out of the house. Golf maybe? Does he have any friends he can go have coffee with in the mornings?

Maybe you can find a club he might like, American Legion, Moose, Elks, Shriners, Masons, whatever.

I wish you luck and keep us updated.


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## JimW

babs75 said:


> Too many years of walking on pins and needles here.  I gave up long ago.  He is as stubborn as they come and my son and his wife had NO idea what he was like until they moved in with us a couple years ago for a few months when they were shopping for a house.  I do what ever I do to keep his anger down even if it means sacrificing myself.  Monthly counseling helps me a lot.  Sorry I spoke up.



No need to be sorry. It does sound like there are deeper problems than who has control of the remote. I don't think the answers to someone's anger control issues are going to be found on a discussion board. I'm sorry you're having these problems.


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## Knight

babs75 said:


> What can I do to pull myself out of this?


To keep this brief.
As described it sounds like 41 years of being dominated & controlled. Alone time an unrealized priority. You explained you are employed & self sufficient. 

Pretend another woman posted what you did then return here with what you would tell her.


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## Floridatennisplayer

Babs, life is too short to live with a controlling person.  My sister was in the same position as you.  I told her to quit being a doormat to him or anyone who tries to control you.  Tell him you have had enough.  Either he changes or you are taking half and going your own way.  

My sister did just that. He tried for a few weeks and then went right back to his old ways.  She finally left him and her whole demeanor has lifted.  She is so happy now.  God didn’t create you to be miserable and controlled by someone!

Good luck.


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## babs75

My favorite line when he starts getting too controlling and bossy with me is "you need to quit worrying about me so much."  That usually quiets him down.  I am very self sufficient and hate being fussed over.   I actually suggested separate vacations the other day.  He didn't like that so much as I never want to vacation anyway. We do a lot of camping but the rest of it just costs too much and we don't have the money for that.  We don't have enough retirement, we WILL run out of money, and I don't be a burden on my kids.  He has already cashed in $20,000 in stock last spring without me knowing and plans on building a shop next year on our property 2 hours north of here which will take another $60,000 from retirement plus we have to pay taxes on it.   Something that's been 'discussed' for a long, long time but I lost the battle on that one.  He doesn't care about the money thing. He'd be happy in a tent.


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## RadishRose

babs75 said:


> He has already cashed in $20,000 in stock last spring without me knowing


 Well, that tells me a lot.


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## Liberty

Uptosnuff said:


> Babs
> 
> I understand what you are going thru.  My situation is sort of similar to yours.  I am still working and my husband was let go from his job in March.  He is only 60 and has no intention of going back to work.  For all intents and purposes he considers himself retired.  He used to work every other weekend and I had them all to myself to do the things I wanted to when I wanted.  Now, he is there all the time and I have to compromise on everything.  I don't think it would bother me so much if it hadn't have happened so suddenly.  This is not how we planned our entry into retirement.  All of a sudden our income was cut in half and we had to scramble to make that money stretch.
> 
> I had to smile at your description of the TV remote.  It's the same at my house.  He views the remotes as his territory.  My husband is also on the controlling side like yours is.
> 
> What I have had to do is learn to speak up.  When I want to watch something, I let him know.  If I need my alone time, I just let him know in a nice way.  I am discussing things with him more now than I used to and that's a good thing.
> 
> I'm starting to see the good things that can happen when your husband retires.  We are going on bike rides together, he usually has taken care of dinner for me when I come home, he is doing projects around the acreage that have been sitting there for years.  I hope you will eventually discover good things also.  It is a work in progress.
> 
> Good luck!!


Babs...listen to "Uptosnuff"...to add to this, we retired last year after selling a business.  My husband takes interest in little things around the house he didn't used to give a flying fig about...so, thought about it and now I give him "chores" sometimes, nicely ask him if he really would like to do such and such wen he gets the chance, mostly things I don't want to do...lol.  Most folks probably have lots of stuff they've put off doing around the house and/or have regular chores that need done.  He now helps me with those and its great.  

Can you get another TV and your own "remote"?  We have 2 tv's and sometimes get together at the big screen (where he has the remote...lol) and watch something, but having your own tv to look forward to your own programs is priceless, its part of carving out your own privacy enjoyment boundries.  Learning how to retire takes time and there is a period of adjustment for even the best of married couples.  My advice is, you seem to be a smart lady...turn that "stumbling block" into a "stepping stone"!  Welcome to the forum.


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## babs75

We have several other TV's but then I have to pick up my laptop, knitting, water, etc and move to the next room. Sometimes I just fire up my laptop (we have streaming TV), put in my earbuds, and watch in my lap.  Of course, then I get many comments about how much time I'm on the computer too even though I'm right there in the same room (my husband hates the computer - barely knows how to turn it on - but I am a data analyst for a living so the computer is my life).  So I always tell him that if he gives up the remote, I'll turn off the computer. He usually falls asleep between 8:30 and 9:00 in front of the TV so I have the Roku app on my phone and I change the channel and then he immediately wakes up grabs his remote, changes it back to his channel and promptly falls asleep again.  LOL.  Can't win.   Gotta learn to let a lot of this go in one ear and out the other but after this many years, gets a bit tiring...............


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## SeaBreeze

Hi Babs, welcome!  I don't blame your husband for wanting to retire from his job, I retired at an earlier age than he did, we both retired around the same time.  It sounds like you've been together for a long time, so he must have some good qualities.  He likely always commented on things you did or didn't do, and it hasn't separated you yet.  You probably just learned to ignore him.

I'd try not to get so upset over this if I were you, try to work out some things with him, it's unrealistic to think that everything will suddenly change now that he's no longer working.  Like Jim suggested above, with a little more give and take on both sides, things may smooth out over time.  Take a deep breath, it doesn't seem all that bad to me.  Good luck to both of you!


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## JustBonee

Welcome Babs
  .I hope you can get things resolved.


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## Knight

babs75 said:


> We don't have enough retirement, we WILL run out of money, and I don't be a burden on my kids.  He has already cashed in $20,000 in stock last spring without me knowing and plans on building a shop next year on our property 2 hours north of here which will take another $60,000 from retirement plus we have to pay taxes on it.



41 years together and that is the kind of life you live? Sounds like you expect to be destitute & depending on Soc. Sec. 

Would still like to know what you would advise another woman to do if she had your lifestyle.


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## babs75

I would guess that other women would not have put up with this as long as I have but I never wanted to start over so I've stayed around all these years.  Not worth the financial impact or what it would have done to my kids.  I've spent all these years just trying to keep the peace, doing whatever I can to eliminate doing things that I know he will make 'comments' about (the constant 'digs' grate on a person after awhile) and then of course, I get mad at myself when I didn't catch a situation that sends him off.   I love waking up in the morning, staggering down to the kitchen for coffee and immediately getting called out because I didn't load the dishwasher correctly.


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## toffee

I get this babs ----- mine retired like yours can row in a empty room ' wasnt like it before ' but sure is now ' short temper syndrome,
he does DIY  but seems hes king of the road doing it so I say u get on with it ' -think  now -deep down they think  they are worthless '
I find I have little conversation so have my own hobbies.. but no way let him take control of your life !!


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## SeaBreeze

babs75 said:


> I would guess that other women would not have put up with this as long as I have but I never wanted to start over so I've stayed around all these years.  Not worth the financial impact or what it would have done to my kids.  I've spent all these years just trying to keep the peace, doing whatever I can to eliminate doing things that I know he will make 'comments' about (the constant 'digs' grate on a person after awhile) and then of course, I get mad at myself when I didn't catch a situation that sends him off.   I love waking up in the morning, staggering down to the kitchen for coffee and immediately getting called out because I didn't load the dishwasher correctly.


It would be tough to live with someone like that, so I do feel for you.  I hope he's just verbally abusive, a little bit easier to ignore than physical abuse.  You do seem like you have a lot on your plate, and being put down like that all the time has to have a major negative effect on your happiness and self esteem.


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## babs75

You know what? I'm not going to blow 8 years of sobriety over this.  I drank all those years for a reason.  And if there's anyone here in the program, they know what I mean.  Constantly told I'm not as much fun as I was when I drank.  Too much good stuff going on.


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## Kadee

I can feel for you babs my husband retired at a very young age 48  due to a back injury / major surgery ...wait till he starts following you to the supermarket to “help you “with the grocery  shopping and of course the extra costs of shopping due to the extras they WANT like chips,and sweets 
I never get to go shopping by myself he either has to drive me there ( I have my own car) 
Or come with me because the groceries might be to heavy for me


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## Lara

babs75 said:


> ...We don't have enough retirement, we WILL run out of money, and I don't be a burden on my kids. He has already cashed in $20,000 in stock last spring without me knowing and plans on building a shop next year on our property 2 hours north of here which will take another $60,000 from retirement plus we have to pay taxes on it. Something that's been 'discussed' for a long, long time but I lost the battle on that one. He doesn't care about the money thing. He'd be happy in a tent.


If he would be happy in a tent then why is he using 60k from your retirement account to build himself a shop?? And you're going to pay his taxes on it??  

And what's the extra 20k he took w/o your knowledge going to be used for? Your stocks are in a shared account? "He doesn't care about money"?  

He's definitely controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive. He doesnt even want you to spend one day a week with your 93 yr old father? So So So many many red flags. I can understand why you're depressed. I think I read you're seeing a therapist? Is that helping?


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## Judycat

So sorry you have to put up with this and I know what you're talking about. Mine died and I now live on social security, but it is so much better than what I had before. No one needs a warden running their life. Maybe he'll mellow out after a while. Mine never appreciated anything anyone did for him yet expected the world to wait on him. Drove us all up a wall.


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## Floridatennisplayer

You don’t need a therapist you need to MoveOn.  Life is too short.


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## hypochondriac

babs75 said:


> My husband retired a month ago.  He is 64-1/2.  I am 62.  It is really sooner than I would have liked but it's what he wanted.  I will continue working.  I love my job and make a good living at it.  We will not be pulling social security or retirement yet.  We are going to try to manage on my salary and our savings.  It's depressing to have my income cut in half.  We used to live a fairly comfortable life but he has always been a spender.   He spends too much money and evidently now thinks that retirement is a vacation.  He's upset with me that I've told him he needs to cut back.  I've noticed the past month that he gets bored during the day so he goes to the store.   I've laid all expenses out on a spreadsheet and we have been able to make a few changes but not nearly enough.
> 
> I enjoyed having the house to myself for an hour or so in the morning after he left for work. I would get to watch what news station I wanted to watch and catch up on DVR recordings while getting ready for work (he has control of the remote.....I could watch in another room but I rather like the TV in the family room so I DVR a lot of stuff.  He seems to think he can dictate what I watch). Now there's no time to watch my recordings.
> 
> He goes to bed earlier than me because of all of those years of going to work at 6 a.m. and I get an hour to myself in the evening to chill.  I tend to watch things he doesn't like and he will ALWAYS comment on what station the TV was on when he gets up in the morning so I try to remember to change it before I go to bed.  (I do the same thing with the car radio -- eliminates one less thing for him to b*tch about).
> 
> I work from home 2 days a week, 3 days in the office, and I cherished those work from home days because I was there by myself where I had peace and quiet.  That is all gone.  He is always there!  With the exception of a few times per summer when he camps up at acreage we have in the forest.  Those days are few and far between and they are a vacation for me to be home by myself!  He tends to like to control things and thinks he can plan my 2 days off on the weekend.
> 
> Sewing and crafting seem to be a thing of the past now. I used to take vacation days from work when he was working just to get things done at home, run errands, time to do what I want to do but I can't even do that anymore.  I tried it recently and he seemed to think he could plan my day for me.   After 41 years of marriage and trying to keep him happy, this is just getting worse and worse.  What can I do to pull myself out of this?  I wish he'd go back to work but he has no intention of doing that.


what a lazy bugger! sounds like me. though i do tend to let my wife take charge in the home. Im highly democratic when it comes to responsibility too.


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## hypochondriac

This has become a venting thread for wives whose husbands retire too early. But no one deserves to live with a control freak ....male or female.


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## Gary O'

Well, if yer gonna keep him, the man needs something to do

I suggest some sorta volunteer thing.
In a leadership role
Maybe scouts
They'll drain that control thing like none other
By the time he gets back home, he'll be putty in yer hands

He hasn't broken anything like Irish Wade, has he?


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## babs75

Yes, after this many years of my counseling, she merely listens but has taught me three things about my dad:  1)  It's OK to say 'no'; 2) I have to set boundaries; and 3) that the needs of myself and my family come first.  I've been back in dad's life for 4-1/2 years.  Prior to that, he was married to someone that none of us kids cared for (nor did she like us) so I had little to do with him for 30 years.  Fast forward 30 years to when his wife was terminally ill and he needed help getting out (lost his license for better part of 2015 due to medical issues before earning it back by year's end) and I started going on Saturday's.  Coming up on a year with the guardianship. But after the guardianship, was legally able to hire caregivers and care manager which has worked out well. He's got dementia and is really social but lives in a dark, dreary house.  I think he would do well in a different living situation but refuses to move -- reminders of his wife everywhere in the house.  Sore subject with my husband that most of my Saturday's are taken up with dad.


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## 911

After reading all of the posts, one stuck out the most. In your post #4, you talk about “walking on pins and needles” and having to do certain things certain ways to keep his “anger” down.

I don’t think you have a problem. I know you have a problem and he’s the problem. 

Over spending and not caring about living conditions are all concerns. I believe that you mentioned that you were seeing a counselor once a month and if that is correct, perhaps you should lay out all of your grievances on the table and seek their advice. 

These type of issues are best discussed and maybe reach a plan face to face, rather than seeking a solution from posters. 

JMO


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## C'est Moi

Welcome, Babs.   Sorry to hear of your situation; I have to say that I cannot relate because I am a strong personality and I would have booted "Mr. Bossy" years ago.   I would be busy shoring up my finances and plotting my escape. 

My husband retired early a couple of years ago at 60; I kind of worried about too much togetherness but it has actually worked out very well for us.   For the most part, he does his own thing and I do mine, and we have fun together.   My husband is very easy going, thoughtful and kind.  After reading your posts, I feel sympathy for you, but I know I would never have put up with such a controlling spouse.

Sorry you are having a hard time but it sounds like you have been putting up with a bad situation for a long time.  * Don't make the mistake of letting the rest of your life be as miserable*.   Good luck.


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## RadishRose

He sounds like a bully, and a selfish brat. Too selfish to even share TV programming.

I hope you can save yourself from this person.

Best wishes......


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## AnnieA

I couldn't live like that.  No wonder you're depressed.        Doesn't sound like he cares about anyone but himself, and you're looking at another possible 20-30 years of misery with increasingly depleted savings and retirement income due to his spending.

Don't know of your religious beliefs regarding divorce,  but it's something to consider.  Following her retirement, my mom (who was a little younger than you at that time) decided to leave my dad who was for most of their marriage emotionally distant and a sulker.  She told him because of her religious views toward marriage that she didn't intend to remarry, but wasn't going to live in an emotionally unhealthy environment anymore.   That was the best thing she could've done for their marriage  ...was a wake up call for him.   Thing is you have to be sure you're going to act on it if you get a bad response from him.  It can't be a bluff, especially considering his character as you've presented it.  And I don't think it will end well as it did in my mom's case.  He sounds pretty hopeless.   You are at a crossroads.   Ask your therapist if there's any hope for meaningful change if you begin to set firm boundaries.  If you decide there's not, get out before he spends everything y'all have saved through 41 years.


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## Keesha

RadishRose said:


> Hi Babs,
> 
> View attachment 73947
> 
> I feel for you.
> 
> Try to get him out of the house. Golf maybe? Does he have any friends he can go have coffee with in the mornings?
> 
> Maybe you can find a club he might like, American Legion, Moose, Elks, Shriners, Masons, whatever.
> 
> I wish you luck and keep us updated.


She’s so darn cute ain’t she. 
Yeah... sign him up for card night with the boys on Mondays, bowling for Tuesdays, bingo for Wednesdays, curling  for Thursdays, pizza buffet Friday and fishing and beer on the weekends. 

That should work


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## Keesha

Get him to join Facebook


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## Butterfly

babs75 said:


> I would guess that other women would not have put up with this as long as I have but I never wanted to start over so I've stayed around all these years.  Not worth the financial impact or what it would have done to my kids.  I've spent all these years just trying to keep the peace, doing whatever I can to eliminate doing things that I know he will make 'comments' about (the constant 'digs' grate on a person after awhile) and then of course, I get mad at myself when I didn't catch a situation that sends him off.   I love waking up in the morning, staggering down to the kitchen for coffee and immediately getting called out because I didn't load the dishwasher correctly.



Babs, you mention the "financial impact," but if he is draining your savings and retirement accounts, that will also have a great financial impact.  Perhaps you should consider which will be the worse impact.

Also, living with this guy the way you're describing it can't be doing your own health and sanity any good.  I would really sit down and consider whether I was willing to go through the rest of my life like this or not.  And it will get worse when you do retire and this goes on 24/7.

I know what I would do were I in your shoes.


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## Leann

Babs, your post made me feel so sad. It sounds to me as if you're the one that is going to have to make many of the adjustments to keep the marriage afloat. I'm not sure how I would handle it. All of it would annoy me and the financial stuff would keep me up at night.

My sister recently retired from a 30+ career of utter drudgery. Her husband was in complete agreement that she should retire and he would keep working (he could retire, too, but he's opted to keep on working). He's always been a controlling sort and now he has taken to giving her "chores" during the day while he's at work. It's not like she sits around doing nothing, although I wouldn't blame her if she did. She keeps their house immaculately clean, does all of the laundry, cooks the meals, etc. When he comes home, he does a cursory inspection and starts with "what did you do all day?".  It usually dissolves into an argument. She'd never divorce him but I think she has regrets about some things. 

I guess my point in sharing this with you is to let you know that I think that there are more people than we realize that wind up in some kind of similar situation. Only you know what the next steps should be and whatever you choose, I hope it brings you peace and happiness.


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## Keesha

The financial irresponsibility is scary. I’d be extremely concerned. Years ago my man was a spendthrift. He secretly maxed out credit cards I didn’t know he had but he also almost found himself single again too. 

Now he’s actually really good with money so it seems he learned well from his mistakes. 
Plus I nagged and nagged him


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## win231

Gee, I've been divorced 38 years & I thought I was missing something.  I thought retirement meant more time together, which implies "good time."
When I retired, I kissed & hugged my Yellow Lab & said, "Now we're gonna have lots of fun!"


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## Lara

babs75 said:


> ...after this many years of my counseling, she merely listens but has taught me three things about my dad: 1) It's OK to say 'no'; 2) I have to set boundaries; and 3) that the needs of myself and my family come first.


About your Dad? Are you saying your Dad was controlling too? So this is all you know when it comes to men? Your counselor gave you good advice but are you doing it?


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## charry

hi babs , welcome, 
aww , thats very sad for you........
i kicked my first  hubby out when i was 30,........i couldnt stand the controlling ..... then met my soulmate, who retired aged 50 at my request,and we ve had a great 20 yrs together , im so glad he retired when he did, as he had the stroke aged 70............as the other members have said, lifes to short, to be unhappy !!.....Stand firm and tell him...........Good luck with your life.....


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## Lara

Keesha said:


> ...sign him up for card night with the boys on Mondays, bowling for Tuesdays, bingo for Wednesdays, curling  for Thursdays, pizza buffet Friday and fishing and beer on the weekends.
> That should work


Great advice keesha but I'd switch Bingo to a Baseball team for seniors. If he doesn't have one then he should start one.

It's like having a dog you don't exercise...they get vicious, bark, and growl alot

He needs to get active in a team sport outdoors in the fresh air...where the men won't put up with his waa waa waa


----------



## 911

Lara said:


> About your Dad? Are you saying your Dad was controlling too? So this is all you know when it comes to men? Your counselor gave you good advice but are you doing it?



Just


babs75 said:


> Yes, after this many years of my counseling, she merely listens but has taught me three things about my dad:  1)  It's OK to say 'no'; 2) I have to set boundaries; and 3) that the needs of myself and my family come first.  I've been back in dad's life for 4-1/2 years.  Prior to that, he was married to someone that none of us kids cared for (nor did she like us) so I had little to do with him for 30 years.  Fast forward 30 years to when his wife was terminally ill and he needed help getting out (lost his license for better part of 2015 due to medical issues before earning it back by year's end) and I started going on Saturday's.  Coming up on a year with the guardianship. But after the guardianship, was legally able to hire caregivers and care manager which has worked out well. He's got dementia and is really social but lives in a dark, dreary house.  I think he would do well in a different living situation but refuses to move -- reminders of his wife everywhere in the house.  Sore subject with my husband that most of my Saturday's are taken up with dad.


 
Jus curious (for a reason), but was your dad controlling or drinker? The reason that I ask is because those 3 reasons sounds like what a codependent would learn in therapy. Did your therapist mention that you are or may be codependent?


----------



## Meanderer

Welcome to Senior forums, Babs!  Don't confuse us with a life boat.  You need to be talking this out with your husband and your therapist.  Sounds like the two of you have never been close enough to grow apart.  Don't despair, and lose hope.  Good luck!


----------



## AZ Jim

I feel for Babs hubby.  He worked 65 years (maybe hating every day of it) only to be met with negativity at  home.  Working is a means to an end, not an end unto itself.  Now is the time all those working years were for.  Help him, Babs find things to do that he enjoys.  You are lucky to have a life's work that fulfills you.


----------



## hypochondriac

Meanderer said:


> Welcome to Senior forums, Babs!  Don't confuse us with a life boat.  You need to be talking this out with your husband and your therapist.  Sounds like the two of you have never been close enough to grow apart.  Don't despair, and lose hope.  Good luck!


interesting comment re lifeboat.
yet to some extent this forum can become a lifeboat for many. including me. Of course what you mean is we should not treat this place as the final word for advice especially counselling/mental health. I do find some advice on forums like this helpful though. We should never put all our eggs in one basket. (oops..one for the cliche list   )


----------



## C'est Moi

AZ Jim said:


> I feel for Babs hubby.  He worked 65 years (maybe hating every day of it) only to be met with negativity at  home.  Working is a means to an end, not an end unto itself.  Now is the time all those working years were for.  Help him, Babs find things to do that he enjoys.  You are lucky to have a life's work that fulfills you.


 Did we read the same thread?    He sounds like a controlling bully to me.


----------



## Olivia

C'est Moi said:


> Did we read the same thread?    He sounds like a controlling bully to me.


 Yes, I don't get it either.


----------



## Meanderer

We have to remember we are only hearing one side of the story.


----------



## treeguy64

Welcome! That being said, I am not one to go on, and on, and.....You've suffered long enough. As the song says, "You just slip out the back, Jack, .......Just get yourself free!"


----------



## fmdog44

It sounds like babs75 is trapped and that is not marriage and that is not even friendship. I would suggest packing her bags and live her remaining years as she felt but after accepting the terms of her entrapment she describes for 40+ years I can't help but think there is more to be told about this "marriage".


----------



## Keesha

Lara said:


> He needs to get active in a team sport outdoors in the fresh air...where the men won't put up with his waa waa waa


That’s right. Nobody likes whiney men


----------



## Judycat

I say give the guy some time to adjust to his new routine, while planning your escape in case you find yourself saying, "I can't stand this anymore" more than once or twice a week.


----------



## toffee

we are all made different here ' some can take the sh--- some cant '


----------



## StarSong

Babs, it sounds as he's always been a drag on your happiness and you expect this to continue to worsen over time. Your kids are probably also tired of dealing with the family dysfunction.  Ask them how they'd feel about you leaving him - you might be surprised.  

You haven't mentioned a single positive about him or your relationship. So what's the payoff/reason that you stay? (There's always a payoff.) Can't be money because you are resigned to your savings evaporating before your very eyes. 

How awful would it be to sell the house, split the assets (while there still are some), get yourself an apartment, condo, or small house with your own TV and remote control in the living room, and enjoy your life? 

I once asked a friend who's a divorce attorney how he could tolerate such a bitter, emotionally contentious field of the law. He told me that everyone is entitled to a peaceful life. Although it can be a rough road getting there, he helps people find their way to that peace. A beautiful way to look at it.


----------



## babs75

He took the $20,000 out in stocks to put a well in up on our property so we don't have to haul water anymore up to our property 2 hours north of here.  So far, it has come out less than that (they didn't have to drill down as far as they thought but $20,000 was the number we were originally quoted) but we'll need to pay taxes on that money anyway.


----------



## StarSong

In that case, I don't understand why you brought up the $20K to start with.  Putting in a well isn't frittering the money away.  By omitting those details you gave the impression that he was wasting the money on something that was solely to his benefit.


----------



## babs75

He did it behind my back.  We were supposed to meet with our tax guy first and he didn't do it.  He was going to look over our situation when my husband retired to tell us the best way to go taxwise.  He went straight to our financial planner and took it without my knowledge.  This is the same person that single handedly drained an entire savings account of $30,000 over several years by constantly taking money here and there out of it.  He does not have access to our current account or we would not have any money in it.


----------



## RadishRose

babs75 said:


> He did it behind my back.  We were supposed to meet with our tax guy first and he didn't do it.  He was going to look over our situation when my husband retired to tell us the best way to go taxwise.  He went straight to our financial planner and took it without my knowledge.  This is the same person that single handedly drained an entire savings account of $30,000 over several years by constantly taking money here and there out of it.  He does not have access to our current account or we would not have any money in it.


So what are you going to do now, Babs?


----------



## Butterfly

babs75 said:


> He did it behind my back.  We were supposed to meet with our tax guy first and he didn't do it.  He was going to look over our situation when my husband retired to tell us the best way to go taxwise.  He went straight to our financial planner and took it without my knowledge.  This is the same person that single handedly drained an entire savings account of $30,000 over several years by constantly taking money here and there out of it.  He does not have access to our current account or we would not have any money in it.



He does it behind your back because he knows you won't approve and he doesn't care whether you do or not.

As someone who has been where you are, I can tell you that he won't stop until there's no more money left.  Be very careful that he does not take cash out on credit cards, because that's the next step.

I don't know what state you are in or whether or not it is a community property state, but I would strongly suggest you find out in a hurry.  The good news is that in a community property state all assets acquired during a marriage are community property; the BAD news is that so are debts.  I actually had to put a mortgage on my house (it was my sole and separate property before we were married) to pay off debts he had incurred or wind up in involuntary bankruptcy with him.  If I hadn't done that I could have lost my house in the mess he had created.  It took me close to 20 years to disentangle myself from all his debt, and it was a hard, long slog.  You don't want to go down that road, believe me.


----------



## GeorgiaXplant

Um....he resents that you spend Saturdays with your dad? Your elderly dad who has dementia? What? There are seven days in the week. You spend ONE of them with your dad. ONE. There's something wrong with this picture (aside from all the other things that have been mentioned). You may want to make a list of pros and cons and sit down with your counselor to discuss them and whether you can realistically do anything about the cons. Life is too short to be unhappy, to feel trapped and browbeaten and anxious. It sounds as though you spend all day every day waiting for the other shoe to drop.


----------



## babs75

He does not feel I pay enough attention to HIM. That's the dad problem.  "Everything is always about your dad."  "Your dad is calling AGAIN." And on it goes. The guardianship/conservatorship takes a fair amount of time.  I have a full life. A full time job, trips to the gym 4 times a week, dad on Saturday, errands somewhere during all of that, maybe some sewing sometimes, a dog, and a beautiful granddaughter.  And no, doesn't always leave time for him but you know what?  He's all grown up and I need some time for me now.

Nope, no community property in my state.


----------



## Meanderer

In-laws can be a problem in every marriage.  There are no easy answers.


----------



## GeorgiaXplant

Sound like a case of jealousy. You have a full life; he doesn't. And your dad is calling AGAIN? Yeah, old people get lonely. Because he has dementia doesn't make him any less lonely. Heck, your DH sounds so disagreeable that it's hard to imagine _wanting_ to make any time for him! FWIW, you're the only person I ever heard of who dreads WFH days. Maybe your life would be easier if you didn't WFH at all.


----------



## babs75

He gets upset because his grown sons don't like to do anything with him either.  I suggested once that possibly he should take a look at why no one wants to hang out with him. He has a pretty short fuse and they joke when he's trying to work on a project and doesn't lose his temper like he usually does.  I'm not sure how much your childhood affects how you act as an adult, but he was the youngest of three kids and the only boy.  His parents divorced when he was 2 but his mom remarried.  I suspect he might have been a bit spoiled and doted on as a child being the baby and being the only boy.


----------



## Keesha

treeguy64 said:


> Welcome! That being said, I am not one to go on, and on, and.....You've suffered long enough. As the song says, "You just slip out the back, Jack, .......Just get yourself free!"



Just slip out the back Jack 
Make a new plan Stan 
Don’t need to be coy Roy
Just set yourself free 
Hope off the bus Gus
Don’t need to discuss much 
Just drop off the key Lee 
And set yourself free

I’m sorry you are going through this 
It’s a horrible feeling 
I’m glad my husband and I worked things out 
He’s a good man 
Marriage is sometimes unpredictable 
But it comes with the territory 

Good luck


----------



## Knight

GeorgiaXplant said:


> . You may want to make a list of pros and cons


I cut that down. The reason after reading the various posts by Babs75 there doesn't seem to be any pros to list. Maybe she is one of those that like to be dominated and she is posting just to see if she can find another like her.


----------



## C'est Moi

Knight said:


> Maybe she is one of those that like to be dominated and she is posting just to see if she can find another like her.


Yep.


----------



## babs75

Oh, absolutely not. I don't like to be dominated at all.  I'm extremely independent and I think that's part of the problem.  He wants a wife to take care of him, make him feel important, etc.  I've never been that way and I'm not going to change now.  I hate being fussed over.


----------



## hypochondriac

im starting to feel sorry for him. well id like to hear his perspective anyway .


----------



## babs75

I have had to learn to pick and choose my battles over the years to keep the peace.  But it doesn't mean that I don't hold a lot of stuff inside.  It seems to be worse now that he's here all the time.  I used to take vacation days during the week to get a day to myself but I can't even do that anymore.  I will sum this up for you:  He said I used to be a lot more fun when I was drinking.  But I will not go back to living like that.  The alcohol masked a lot of stuff for a lot of years.

I think I will end the posting here.  Thank you for all of your ideas and comments.  Interesting, my counselor told me I should leave him too.


----------



## AZ Jim

D-I-V-O-R-C-E.......Probably good for you both.


----------



## terry123

Welcome Babs. He is not worth blowing your sobriety over at all.  Do what you want to and let him adjust or get the hell out!.  Don't you have some control over the retirement funds?  He should not be able to withdraw money without your consent!  I was in alanon for years and helped me a lot when I was dealing with my husband. He never understood why I


babs75 said:


> I have had to learn to pick and choose my battles over the years to keep the peace.  But it doesn't mean that I don't hold a lot of stuff inside.  It seems to be worse now that he's here all the time.  I used to take vacation days during the week to get a day to myself but I can't even do that anymore.  I will sum this up for you:  He said I used to be a lot more fun when I was drinking.  But I will not go back to living like that.  The alcohol masked a lot of stuff for a lot of years.
> 
> I think I will end the posting here.  Thank you for all of your ideas and comments.  Interesting, my counselor told me I should leave him too.  Talk to your lawyer, let him help you salvage what you can of the assets and make a life for yourself!!


----------



## GeorgiaXplant

Yanno, it doesn't really matter if "there are two sides to every story." None of the comments about how she should change or what she's doing "wrong" or how to "handle" him or what she should do "about" him matter. What matters is how SHE feels. And maybe, for whatever reason, she doesn't feel that she can leave him and merely needs a place to vent.


----------



## hollydolly

GeorgiaXplant said:


> Yanno, it doesn't really matter if "there are two sides to every story." None of the comments about how she should change or what she's doing "wrong" or how to "handle" him or what she should do "about" him matter. What matters is how SHE feels. And maybe, for whatever reason, she doesn't feel that she can leave him and merely needs a place to vent.


 precisely _my_ thoughts all the way through this....!!!


----------



## JimW

GeorgiaXplant said:


> Yanno, it doesn't really matter if "there are two sides to every story." None of the comments about how she should change or what she's doing "wrong" or how to "handle" him or what she should do "about" him matter. What matters is how SHE feels. And maybe, for whatever reason, she doesn't feel that she can leave him and merely needs a place to vent.



Okay Dr. Phil.

Apparently the opinions do matter to the op because she asked for everyone's advice in her first post when she said: "What can I do to pull myself out of this?" And the op kept the offers of advice going by answering people's questions. Why are you getting on people for giving advice that the op asked for?


----------



## hollydolly

JimW said:


> Okay Dr. Phil.
> 
> Apparently the opinions do matter to the op because she asked for everyone's advice in her first post when she said: "What can I do to pull myself out of this?" If she just wanted to vent, she could have said that, but she didn't. Why are you getting on people for giving advice that the op asked for?


You're right Jim, I agree to a certain extent ..the OP did ask for opinions... but she asked from her ''truth'' from what SHE is feeling and suffering, and from that she wanted to know what our thoughts were , people who have no vested interest in her life as family and friends might have..... and yes there's always 2 sides to a story..but oftentimes there's not two level playing fields and one person is getting kicked into touch more often than the other..!! I feel that this lady is feeling very put upon, and needs to vent!! Whether she'll take anyone's advice is up to her, but it's not easy to put something like this down in print without being judged and sometimes very harshly. 

Get out,!! leave!!!...it's all easy for us to say... if you don't walk away then you're obviously enjoying being a doormat.... not the case... . there's a lot more to take into consideration than most people will be willing to write in public !!

I know from experience, please believe me !!


----------



## JimW

hollydolly said:


> You're right Jim, I agree to a certain extent ..the OP did ask for opinions... but she asked from her ''truth'' from what SHE is feeling and suffering, and from that she wanted to know what our thoughts were , people who have no vested interest in her life as family and friends might have..... and yes there's always 2 sides to a story..but oftentimes there's not two level playing fields and one person is getting kicked into touch more often than the other..!! I feel that this lady is feeling very put upon, and needs to vent!! Whether she'll take anyone's advice is up to her, but it's not easy to put something like this down in print without being judged and sometimes very harshly.
> 
> Get out,!! leave!!!...it's all easy for us to say... if you don't walk away then you're obviously enjoying being a doormat.... not the case... . there's a lot more to take into consideration than most people will be willing to write in public !!
> 
> I know from experience, please belive me !!



Holly, I understand what your saying and I agree with everything you're saying, which is why I said this in my second post:



> No need to be sorry. It does sound like there are deeper problems than who has control of the remote. I don't think the answers to someone's anger control issues are going to be found on a discussion board. I'm sorry you're having these problems.



The internet is no place to be searching for this type of advice. Everyone here has a soapbox, but very few are qualified including myself. When someone asks for personal advice on the internet chances are they will get much more than they bargained for.


----------



## hollydolly

JimW said:


> Holly, I understand what your saying and I agree with everything you're saying, which is why I said this in my second post:
> 
> 
> 
> The internet is no place to be searching for this type of advice. Everyone here has a soapbox, but very few are qualified including myself. *When someone asks for personal advice on the internet chances are they will get much more than they bargained for.*



yes, unfortunately that is true, and it's sad... but it's   why so many of us don't give out too much personal information, even tho' we  might need to vent sometimes.....


----------



## toffee

sometimes it gets like a pressure cooker 'dont tell family as it can cause trouble ' dont tell friends coz they will stop coming to see u '
and if their marriages are great they would not understand -so she comes on here -talking to strangers is so much easier .
we can only advise her ' sometimes a little help is better than none !


----------



## hypochondriac

Just venting. Fair enough. We all need to do that sometimes.
I think it is better not to take advice on here too seriously. People dont know the full context of your issue. They dont have a third party's view of the problem. By this i mean they havent communicated with the husband in this case. 
Just venting. we need to remember that. and not take each others comments to heart. (guilty of it a few times unfort)


----------



## Lara

babs75 said:


> He does not feel I pay enough attention to HIM....I have a full life. A full time job, trips to the gym 4 times a week, dad on Saturday, errands somewhere during all of that, maybe some sewing sometimes, a dog, and a.. beautiful granddaughter.  And no, doesn't always leave time for him but you know what?  He's all grown up and I need some time for me now.





babs75 said:


> He gets upset because his grown sons don't like to do anything with him either....he was the youngest of three kids and the only boy.  His parents divorced when he was 2 but his mom remarried....





babs75 said:


> ...I don't like to be dominated at all.  I'm extremely independent and I think that's part of the problem.  He wants a wife to take care of him, make him feel important, etc.  I've never been that way and I'm not going to change now.  I hate being fussed over.





babs75 said:


> ...It seems to be worse now that he's here all the time...I think I will end the posting here...


As I always say, it's all about Love. Whether he brought it on himself or not, the fact remains that he lacks Love. He's acting out because he's desperate to be loved. He IS unloved. He probably doesnt love himself.

I don't think you're the one to fix this for him Babs. I would file for separation to set him free so he can find love on his own...and I don't mean a lover. I mean loving others, loving himself, loving God, giving and receiving love in his community. Don't walk away out of anger. Do it for love. 

See how separation goes for a year. Once you leave, he should watch that powerful movie, "I Can Only Imagine". It just may change his life.


----------



## AnnieA

babs75 said:


> ... I'm not sure how much your childhood affects how you act as an adult, but he was the youngest of three kids and the only boy.  His parents divorced when he was 2 but his mom remarried.  I suspect he might have been a bit spoiled and doted on as a child being the baby and being the only boy.




Sounds like a good recipe for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.   Not diagnosing him over the interwebs, but too much or too little attention is usually the background of NPD.   The birth order and the divorce might mean he got a bit of both. 

If he's got NPD, he's not gonna change.


----------



## Lara

AnnieA said:


> If he's got NPD, he's not gonna change.


I respectfully disagree. Anyone can change when something powerful enough happens in their life. For instance, God loves us all, even when we're broken. He has the power to change someone with NPD.


----------



## AnnieA

Lara said:


> ...God loves us all, even when we're broken. He has the power to change someone with NPD.



He certainly does have the power, but NPDs don't generally want to.  They have to give up the control thing for God to change them.


----------



## Knight

AnnieA said:


> Sounds like a good recipe for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.   Not diagnosing him over the interwebs, but too much or too little attention is usually the background of NPD.   The birth order and the divorce might mean he got a bit of both.
> 
> If he's got NPD, he's not gonna change.


Makes me wonder why a benevolent God would afflict people with  Narcissistic Personality Disorder if that is what it is. Never understood the concept of only good attributed to God.


----------



## hypochondriac

Knight said:


> Makes me wonder why a benevolent God would afflict people with  Narcissistic Personality Disorder if that is what it is. Never understood the concept of only good attributed to God.


dont tempt me to turn this into a religious discussion


----------



## Meanderer

It is impossible to diagnose complete strangers over the internet.


----------



## AnnieA

AnnieA said:


> Sounds like a good recipe for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.   Not diagnosing him over the interwebs, but too much or too little attention is usually the background of NPD.   The birth order and the divorce might mean he got a bit of both.
> 
> If he's got NPD, he's not gonna change.





Meanderer said:


> It is impossible to diagnose complete strangers over the internet.




Yeppers.   That's what "sounds like" "not diagnosing him" "*If *he's got" means.


----------



## applecruncher

Meanderer said:


> It is impossible to diagnose complete strangers over the internet.



True, but I don't think OP is seeking a diagnosis for herself or her husband.  Venting is one thing, but she seems to be looking for treatment, therapy, and a solution. An internet forum isn't the place for all that.  Lots of people have given advice, but now it's up to OP to either take action or accept the situation.


----------



## WestSlope Bob

babs75 said:


> My husband retired a month ago.  He is 64-1/2.  I am 62.  It is really sooner than I would have liked but it's what he wanted.  I will continue working.  I love my job and make a good living at it.  We will not be pulling social security or retirement yet.  We are going to try to manage on my salary and our savings.  It's depressing to have my income cut in half.  We used to live a fairly comfortable life but he has always been a spender.   He spends too much money and evidently now thinks that retirement is a vacation.  He's upset with me that I've told him he needs to cut back.  I've noticed the past month that he gets bored during the day so he goes to the store.   I've laid all expenses out on a spreadsheet and we have been able to make a few changes but not nearly enough.
> 
> I enjoyed having the house to myself for an hour or so in the morning after he left for work. I would get to watch what news station I wanted to watch and catch up on DVR recordings while getting ready for work (he has control of the remote.....I could watch in another room but I rather like the TV in the family room so I DVR a lot of stuff.  He seems to think he can dictate what I watch). Now there's no time to watch my recordings.
> 
> He goes to bed earlier than me because of all of those years of going to work at 6 a.m. and I get an hour to myself in the evening to chill.  I tend to watch things he doesn't like and he will ALWAYS comment on what station the TV was on when he gets up in the morning so I try to remember to change it before I go to bed.  (I do the same thing with the car radio -- eliminates one less thing for him to b*tch about).
> 
> I work from home 2 days a week, 3 days in the office, and I cherished those work from home days because I was there by myself where I had peace and quiet.  That is all gone.  He is always there!  With the exception of a few times per summer when he camps up at acreage we have in the forest.  Those days are few and far between and they are a vacation for me to be home by myself!  He tends to like to control things and thinks he can plan my 2 days off on the weekend.
> 
> Sewing and crafting seem to be a thing of the past now. I used to take vacation days from work when he was working just to get things done at home, run errands, time to do what I want to do but I can't even do that anymore.  I tried it recently and he seemed to think he could plan my day for me.   After 41 years of marriage and trying to keep him happy, this is just getting worse and worse.  What can I do to pull myself out of this?  I wish he'd go back to work but he has no intention of doing that.


Good morning,
I sympathize with you.. I have some of the same issues.....we are both retired and I do several volunteer activities and I work at a few hobbies but I like relax time and hate bing watching the Hallmark channel or silly cooking competitions.


----------



## Lc jones

Tree guys right on,  just slip out the back Jack!



AnnieA said:


> He certainly does have the power, but NPDs don't generally want to.  They have to give up the control thing for God to change them.


I agree you have to admit that there’s a problem in order to work toward change.


----------



## StarSong

I believe that Babs has left the building...


----------



## treeguy64

StarSong said:


> I believe that Babs has left the building...


Hopefully, her husband didn't take her out of the building, if you get my drift.......


----------



## OneEyedDiva

hypochondriac said:


> im starting to feel sorry for him. well id like to hear his perspective anyway .


Excuse  my language but why in the HELL would you feel sorry for a controlling, inconsiderate, selfish jerk?! She works all day and can't even relax and enjoy a TV show she wants to watch without getting flack?  Plus he gets jealous if she wants to visit her ailing father?! *Seriously!!*


----------



## hypochondriac

OneEyedDiva said:


> Excuse  my language but why in the HELL wluld you feel sorry for a controlling, inconsiderate, selfish jerk?! She works all day and can't even relax and enjoy a TV show she wants to watch without getting flack?  pPlus he gets jealous if she wants to visit her father?! *Seriously!!*


because we havent heard his version yet.


----------



## OneEyedDiva

Can't believe the asinine replies you got from some! While getting advice on a forum is not the same as seeing a therapist, sometimes people who have gone through the same thing you are going through and have successfully worked through it or left the situation can be of some help, even if only providing understanding and empathy. No good person deserves to live the way you are living. I don't know if finances are keeping you there or fear...the "stick with the evil you know" syndrome. I hope you will make decisions that will make *your* life better and more peaceful.


----------



## hypochondriac

better the devil you know. I wish i had used that mindset when i was in my last well paid job. Because after that i discovered there are much more devilish workplaces than the one I was at.


----------



## Capt Lightning

I can only say that you should never retire without sufficient finances and something else lined up to keep you occupied.  Having nothing to do or no goals to strive for sounds like a recipe for disaster.  We retired in our mid 50's and I think that Mrs.L and I could have driven each other mad,  but as it happens, life has never been busier and we have both mutual and individual interests.


----------



## Sunny

Anybody who is stuck in a marriage with a controlling bully such as she is describing has serious, serious problems. Probably not appropriate for a group of complete strangers to provide help with. This is a marriage in serious trouble and they need a good marriage counselor, pronto. If she can't get him to go with her, she should go alone.


----------



## OneEyedDiva

hypochondriac said:


> better the devil you know. I wish i had used that mindset when i was in my last well paid job. Because after that i discovered there are much more devilish workplaces than the one I was at.


Every where ya go Hypochondriac! That's life. I don't know of many people who are (or were) 100% happy with their places of employment.


----------



## Liberty

OneEyedDiva said:


> Every where ya go Hypochondriac! That's life. I don't know of many people who are (or were) 100% happy with their places of employment.


Amen to that one...we owned our own business and were not real happy toward the end of our "ownership".  It is what it is.  So glad we sold out!


----------



## Lulu

JimW said:


> Welcome to Senior Forums.
> 
> I really don't mean to come across as crass here, but I probably will. Aside from the money issue these things seem like petty issues that should have been ironed out long ago, especially in a 41 year marriage. You had to know this time was coming and it appears neither of you prepared for it. I don't see all the blame being on either side, to me you both could give a little to make things easier.


Then you have not experienced what she is referring to, because she is "spot on"


----------



## Wren

This thread has been resurrected from August 2019, be interesting to see how Babs is doing if she’s still a member, hopefully she ....


----------



## Packerjohn

Sorry to hear all the sad retirement stories here.  My late wife and I were retired but we were soul mates and were always together and never got tired of one or the other.  Of course, giving your spouse space and room to grow is very important.  Best of luck.  Just want to leave here saying that I don't like "bossy" men.  Reminds me of that proverbial cow named "bossy."  You know the one who pushed the other cows around.  Men should be loving help mates; not bosses.  Marriage should be a partnership.  Leave the bossing out!


----------



## StarSong

Wren said:


> This thread has been resurrected from August 2019, be interesting to see how Babs is doing if she’s still a member, hopefully she ....
> View attachment 225034


She was active three days: Aug 5-Aug 8, 2019, posting 16 messages during that stint.  Like a lot of SF members, her stay was very short.  It seems extremely doubtful that she's reading responses to a thread she started 3 years ago.


----------



## Lavinia

I think their (men that is) main problem is boredom. They are used to spending the day with other people and inter-acting with them. Being in a domestic situation all day is mind-numbing for them. This is why everyone needs to prepare themselves for retirement.
 I turned one of the bedrooms into a sitting room so that I could sit in there and do my own thing without having to put up with him all the time.


----------



## hollydolly

Lavinia said:


> I think their (men that is) main problem is boredom. They are used to spending the day with other people and inter-acting with them. Being in a domestic situation all day is mind-numbing for them. This is why everyone needs to prepare themselves for retirement.
> I turned one of the bedrooms into a sitting room so that I could sit in there and do my own thing without having to put up with him all the time.


never mind men... it's Mind numbing for most women in a domestic situation too ..


----------



## Pinky

My o/h went to College after retirement. Got his teaching certificate, and has been doing volunteer teaching - ESL (English As A Second Language) in-class before Covid, online during Covid. He is one of those people who are life-long learners. When he was still working, he took courses, and also learned to play violin.

There are always options out there for those who bore easily.


----------



## Lavinia

Pinky said:


> My o/h went to College after retirement. Got his teaching certificate, and has been doing volunteer teaching - ESL (English As A Second Language) in-class before Covid, online during Covid. He is one of those people who are life-long learners. When he was still working, he took courses, and also learned to play violin.
> 
> There are always options out there for those who bore easily.


That's a more positive attitude. Retirement is supposed to be a time when we catch up with all the things we never had time for. For too many people it is the countdown to death.


----------



## hollydolly

Pinky said:


> My o/h went to College after retirement. Got his teaching certificate, and has been doing volunteer teaching - ESL (English As A Second Language) in-class before Covid, online during Covid. He is one of those people who are life-long learners. When he was still working, he took courses, and also learned to play violin.
> 
> *There are always options out there for those who bore easily.*


tell me where to find them...cuz I am beginning now after almost a year of being on my own, to be bored witless..


----------



## jet

get yer bike out Holly,take yer camera and get some good pics to post on here,,,,bored,,a young lady like you


----------



## hollydolly

jet said:


> get yer bike out Holly,take yer camera and get some good pics to post on here,,,,bored,,a young lady like you


jet.. I have 70,000 plus photos on my computer, I've run out of places to go around here  to take pics.. .....  and I can't ride a bike because of my dodgy knee... and now racing towards 68..I've not got as much energy as I once had for travelling all over the place , and no partner to do it with now


----------



## jet

take up art then lol,,,know what you mean about photos lol


----------



## hollydolly

jet said:


> take up art then lol,,,know what you mean about photos lol


I hate art..I'm not artistic in that way at all.. Don't you think I've thought of how to break the monotony ?.. It's very difficult around here in the rural shires


----------



## bingo

Get your own checking account...quietly...get that money he's  spending....secure  ....he doesn't  need control of the $$


----------



## Pepper

hollydolly said:


> I hate art..I'm not artistic in that way at all.. Don't you think I've thought of how to break the monotony ?.. It's very difficult around here in the rural shires


When all is said & done perhaps you might want to live in a more stimulating area.  You live in a beautiful area, but perhaps you might find you have different needs now.


----------



## garyt1957

babs75 said:


> Yeah, that "in the house" thing.  I don't understand it.  Like I said, the sewing and crafting have gone by the wayside pretty much unless it's knitting in front of the TV (and I have a one year old granddaughter who I starting sewing for a year ago!) because that room is upstairs as is my work from home office.  If he's there and I'm upstairs, I get the 'what are you doing???'  "Uh, sewing!"  I feel trapped sometimes like I'm not even able to move about my own house.  That why, when he's gone camping, it's like Ferris Bueller's day off because I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.  To make matters worse, I am the guardian and conservator for my 93 year old father because none of my other siblings would do it.  Guess I drew the short straw.  Dad does not live with us and luckily he can afford the use of a care manager and caregivers to help but I am there every Saturday afternoon.  Hubby hates it so I know better than to discuss with him.  I do not wish this guardianship thing on anyone.  It is a lot of work. I am going to petition the court this fall to allow me to move him to assisted living.  He shouldn't be in his house anymore.  If I am not allowed to move him, I will probably request a private guardian.


Why are you still married?


----------



## hollydolly

Pepper said:


> When all is said & done perhaps you might want to live in a more stimulating area.  You live in a beautiful area, but perhaps you might find you have different needs now.


I do... and I don't want to live here any more, but I can't even think of  moving  until the Divorce is finalised..


----------



## garyt1957

babs75 said:


> I would guess that other women would not have put up with this as long as I have but I never wanted to start over so I've stayed around all these years.  Not worth the financial impact or what it would have done to my kids.  I've spent all these years just trying to keep the peace, doing whatever I can to eliminate doing things that I know he will make 'comments' about (the constant 'digs' grate on a person after awhile) and then of course, I get mad at myself when I didn't catch a situation that sends him off.   I love waking up in the morning, staggering down to the kitchen for coffee and immediately getting called out because I didn't load the dishwasher correctly.


Sometimes you get what you deserve. Afraid to leave for whatever reasons? Frankly you get what you deserve. I know it's harsh but just sitting around moaning about things that could be changed does nothing. You're going to spend the rest of your life in misery ...for what?


----------



## Colleen

My suggestion?....maybe it's time to get a lawyer and get yourself an apartment or condo. That's no way to spend your remaining days. If he wouldn't care if he lived in a tent (your words, not mine), then maybe that's what he should do. Get those finances taken care of before he sucks it all dry and you're really in a pickle with nothing.


----------



## FastTrax

I have zero clue as to problematic marital relationships and what is the best solution. As far as long time finances are concerned as a rule of thumb every time I get a raise or bonus I act like I never even received them and bank the increases. I live on the salary I received when I was hired on my present place of employment. I pay for every necessity in cash so I don't have to stress out and lose any sleep wondering how I would survive in the unfortunate case of being furloughed, suspended or worse terminated for cause.


----------



## Shalimar

garyt1957 said:


> Sometimes you get what you deserve. Afraid to leave for whatever reasons? Frankly you get what you deserve. I know it's harsh but just sitting around moaning about things that could be changed does nothing. You're going to spend the rest of your life in misery ...for what?


She does not deserve this torment.  Relationships are complex, they fall into the lateral basket rather than linear. Leaving is usually a process, rarely helped by judgement from others. Adding blame to the mix is counterproductive.


----------



## Jules

hollydolly said:


> It's very difficult around here in the rural shires


How about doing some exploring to areas that you’d probably like to move to.  View a few places so you learn the neighbourhoods and what homes are like there.  If nothing else, it’s something to do.


----------



## WheatenLover

hollydolly said:


> I do... and I don't want to live here any more, but I can't even think of  moving  until the Divorce is finalised..


If your divorce will be finalized within the next year, maybe you can start planning for the move. Take everything you won't use and don't love looking at and put them in boxes. 

Write a list of things you want to do, and can do, once you have moved. It will give you something to look forward to. Research it! That's how I found out there we more things to do in Boston and New England than I ever could have contemplated. Many of them I wouldn't have known even existed. I read a lot of books and websites about things to do in the area. I included books for people with kids because some of the most fun things were in there.

Do some things now that you'd wait until later to do, ordinarily. If you are a joiner, research groups to join in your new city/town, so you can meet people with common interests. To me, it is always more fun to do things with another person who is as enthusiastic about it as I am.

Daydream about what will be - that should be very pleasant.


----------



## WheatenLover

StarSong said:


> She was active three days: Aug 5-Aug 8, 2019, posting 16 messages during that stint.  Like a lot of SF members, her stay was very short.  It seems extremely doubtful that she's reading responses to a thread she started 3 years ago.


Poor woman was probably desperate and had no one to talk to.


----------



## hollydolly

WheatenLover said:


> If your divorce will be finalized within the next year, maybe you can start planning for the move. Take everything you won't use and don't love looking at and put them in boxes.
> 
> Write a list of things you want to do, and can do, once you have moved. It will give you something to look forward to. Research it! That's how I found out there we more things to do in Boston and New England than I ever could have contemplated. Many of them I wouldn't have known even existed. I read a lot of books and websites about things to do in the area. I included books for people with kids because some of the most fun things were in there.
> 
> Do some things now that you'd wait until later to do, ordinarily. If you are a joiner, research groups to join in your new city/town, so you can meet people with common interests. To me, it is always more fun to do things with another person who is as enthusiastic about it as I am.
> 
> Daydream about what will be - that should be very pleasant.


Can't do that, because without knowing how my finances will be after the divorce.. I can't know where I'll ultimately be able to afford to live , or if in fact I'll even be able to move


----------



## Della

I invariably get all caught up in these threads, wondering about new member Babs and clicking likes on comments ... before I notice it all happened several years ago.

I expect Babs needed to talk to someone and this was the place.  Maybe just getting her thoughts out was all it took and she was able to make some much needed changes with the thought that people here supported her and believed she was right.

  I had to have a serious talk with my husband shortly after he retired about how it was unlikely he would watch me sweep the porch and come up with a better way to do it that I hadn't thought of in 50 years.  I had to be gentle because he's sensitive and always extremely surprised over any criticism. 

 Fortunately he heard me.  He doesn't like yard work or hobbies.  He likes computers and accounting, so he volunteered to be treasurer at local food pantry and to help people with their taxes.  He's there four days a week! Yay! Our marriage saved and poor people helped! 

 It's all a matter of figuring out what you like to do and going for it. Breathing down your spouse's neck all day is not one of the choices.


----------



## hollydolly

WheatenLover said:


> Poor woman was probably desperate and had no one to talk to.


if that was the case she would have stayed here..plenty people here to talk to.. scenario is more likely that she found some other solution


----------



## hollydolly

Jules said:


> How about doing some exploring to areas that you’d probably like to move to.  View a few places so you learn the neighbourhoods and what homes are like there.  If nothing else, it’s something to do.


..but I already know those areas well...


----------



## WheatenLover

hollydolly said:


> if that was the case she would have stayed here..plenty people here to talk to.. scenario is more likely that she found some other solution


Probably, but she could have been afraid someone would recognize her.


----------



## Shalimar

WheatenLover said:


> Probably, but she could have been afraid someone would recognize her.


Yes. Or she could have found some of the comments rather judgemental.


----------



## Jules

hollydolly said:


> ..but I already know those areas well...


I find it fun to look at houses when I‘m considering moving.  The incredible demand of the housing market in Canada has meant no Open Houses.  They said it’s cooling off now and I’ve seen a few open houses listed for this weekend.    Do the realtors in the UK have these open to the general public showing too?


----------



## hollydolly

Jules said:


> I find it fun to look at houses when I‘m considering moving.  The incredible demand of the housing market in Canada has meant no Open Houses.  They said it’s cooling off now and I’ve seen a few open houses listed for this weekend.    Do the realtors in the UK have these open to the general public showing too?


yes they do but like Canada, they're few and far between. now... no sooner is a house on the market it sells..

My daughter bought a house in February, she rang the agents within 30 minutes of it being listed, and 15 people had called before her.. , she had to offer much more than the house was actually worth to ensure she got it. ..and she discovered afterwards that every one of those 15 people had put in an offer higher than the asking price..


----------



## Liberty

What is needed is a good "retired guys' day care center"...lol


----------



## Della

Liberty said:


> What is needed is a good "retired guys' day care center"...lol


Yes!   Women could drop off things that needed to be fixed and some guys could work on them while the others stood around and gave tips.


----------



## garyt1957

Shalimar said:


> She does not deserve this torment.  Relationships are complex, they fall into the lateral basket rather than linear. Leaving is usually a process, rarely helped by judgement from others. Adding blame to the mix is counterproductive.


So stay in a bad relationship and suffer. No skin off my nose
 But life's too short not to try to be happy


----------



## Leann

hollydolly said:


> I hate art..I'm not artistic in that way at all.. Don't you think I've thought of how to break the monotony ?.. It's very difficult around here in the rural shires


I can attest to the same thing where I live. I'm not artistic either but there aren't any real offerings around here to learn many techniques. Rural living has many advantages but also disadvantages, too.


----------



## Leann

hollydolly said:


> I do... and I don't want to live here any more, but I can't even think of  moving  until the Divorce is finalised..


How long do divorces usually take in the UK? I can't speak for everyone here that is from the US and who went through a divorce but mine took about 6 months. The fact that we didn't argue very much about the distribution of the property (he got most of the furniture and household things as ordered by the judge....long story), it expedited the entire process.


----------



## Jan14

When I was married I found my sanctuary in my bedroom.  I had my own TV and watched what I wanted.  I read or whatever.  Also had my own laptop.  It’s none of his business what you are watching.  You need to claim a space or room to yourself where you can do what it is you like to do. You deserve it, and must not be controlled anymore.  A couple or few hours a day is not unreasonable.  I think you both would be happier.  I’ve heard a lot of couples take separate bedrooms.  If you are happy and can maintain a happy peaceful marriage together, who cares.   But then again, I am divorced.  But I do not believe it was for these reasons.


----------



## hollydolly

Leann said:


> How long do divorces usually take in the UK? I can't speak for everyone here that is from the US and who went through a divorce but mine took about 6 months. The fact that we didn't argue very much about the distribution of the property (he got most of the furniture and household things as ordered by the judge....long story), it expedited the entire process.


it can take just a few months or it can be long drawn out like mine is going to be... apparently according to my lawyer, we're looking at , at least 10 months before it gets to court..


----------



## Torotx56

babs75 said:


> I would guess that other women would not have put up with this as long as I have but I never wanted to start over so I've stayed around all these years.  Not worth the financial impact or what it would have done to my kids.  I've spent all these years just trying to keep the peace, doing whatever I can to eliminate doing things that I know he will make 'comments' about (the constant 'digs' grate on a person after awhile) and then of course, I get mad at myself when I didn't catch a situation that sends him off.   I love waking up in the morning, staggering down to the kitchen for coffee and immediately getting called out because I didn't load the dishwasher correctly.





jujube said:


> Oh, Babs, you have my sympathy.  As the saying goes, "I married him for better or worse, but not for retirement."
> 
> My grandfather retired early and almost drove my grandmother insane.  He no longer had anyone to supervise, so he supervised her.  She had been doing housework and cooking and laundry for many, many years but now wasn't doing them _correctly_.  The carpet wasn't being swept in the correct direction, the dishes weren't  being stacked correctly or put away correctly and the laundry....well...you get the picture.  I think men just need to supervise; it's in their genes.
> 
> Can you get him to join a men's club or volunteer somewhere where he can be "in charge" of something?


 
Well I’m a 66 yr old single male.  I don’t even watch TV and canceled DISH last year. So if I ever did marry she could RULE the TV w/o interference from me. 
Think I would make a pretty good mate as micromanaging isn’t a thing with me and she could have plenty of her free space and time.  We would have to generally follow a budget and avoid debt.  We hear about some older couples who have virtually no physical affection in their relationships. While that may work with some it’s definitely a ‘must have’  in mutual desire on my list. 
Also none of us likes to be around uptight people- let’s not be one of those either.


----------



## Butterfly

hollydolly said:


> yes they do but like Canada, they're few and far between. now... no sooner is a house on the market it sells..
> 
> My daughter bought a house in February, she rang the agents within 30 minutes of it being listed, and 15 people had called before her.. , she had to offer much more than the house was actually worth to ensure she got it. ..and she discovered afterwards that every one of those 15 people had put in an offer higher than the asking price..


Pretty much the same thing here.  And rentals have just gone out of sight, too.


----------



## Leann

hollydolly said:


> it can take just a few months or it can be long drawn out like mine is going to be... apparently according to my lawyer, we're looking at , at least 10 months before it gets to court..


And once it gets to court is it usually a done deal at that point?


----------



## Packerjohn

No need to feel so blue.  Take a cruise.  Everyone is cruising these days.  Last week I saw 4 monster cruise ships in Skagway all in the same day.  Lots of retirees walking the streets of Skagway these days.  They all seemed to be enjoying themselves and having a wonderful time  You and hubbie could too!


----------



## hollydolly

Packerjohn said:


> No need to feel so blue.  Take a cruise.  Everyone is cruising these days.  Last week I saw 4 monster cruise ships in Skagway all in the same day.  Lots of retirees walking the streets of Skagway these days.  They all seemed to be enjoying themselves and having a wonderful time  You and hubbie could too!


that's why I won't take a cruise because _everyone_ is doing it


----------



## Blessed

@hollydolly , you don't need a cruise right now, just go out and enjoy the beauty all around you. Most of us are jealous that we don't live in a place as beautiful.


----------



## hollydolly

Blessed said:


> @hollydolly , you don't need a cruise right now, just go out and enjoy the beauty all around you. Most of us are jealous that we don't live in a place as beautiful.


lol bless you, but I've lived here since 1974... It all gets a bit samey after the first 40 years  I definitely need some kind of break but currently with the airlines in chaos here and in Europe I can't fly abroad..


----------



## Blessed

I hope you get that trip to Spain to enjoy your home there before it is sold. I know that weighs heavy on your heart right now.


----------



## hollydolly

Blessed said:


> I hope you get that trip to Spain to enjoy your home there before it is sold. I know that weighs heavy on your heart right now.


you're right it absolutely does. I had hoped that the airline crises was easing off, and that I'd perhaps be able to go soon.. but today the headline s are screaming that the Flight and check-in staff in Spain have all come out on strike, cancelling 100's of flights.. so no chance for me..


----------



## Sunny

About Babs, I agree that she's probably long since gone from this forum. I did get the feeling that their problems were much more serious than what was appropriate for us to be dealing with here. They needed, at the very least, a good marriage counselor, and if it all still fell through, they needed a couple of lawyers.  I hope things improved for them.

About Holly, I also cancelled a planned weekend trip. My daughter and SIL have a lovely vacation home in upstate New York in the Adirondocks, near Canada to their north and Vermont to their east. I've been there about 4 times and always enjoyed it. My son, who lives near me, and I had airline tickets to visit them for the 4th of July weekend, but I chickened out. Airports don't sound very healthy to me, and from what I've been reading and seeing on the news, our airline system is in chaos also. Umpteen flights have been cancelled.

My son is still planning to go, but he had to change the date. We were supposed to go today and had a nice early flight, but the airline changed it to 10 PM!  He changed the date of travel to tomorrow, and we're hoping the airline doesn't once again change the time.

I guess it's still covid problems, plus the price of fuel that has caused all this.


----------



## hollydolly

Sunny said:


> About Babs, I agree that she's probably long since gone from this forum. I did get the feeling that their problems were much more serious than what was appropriate for us to be dealing with here. They needed, at the very least, a good marriage counselor, and if it all still fell through, they needed a couple of lawyers.  I hope things improved for them.
> 
> About Holly, I also cancelled a planned weekend trip. My daughter and SIL have a lovely vacation home in upstate New York in the Adirondocks, near Canada to their north and Vermont to their east. I've been there about 4 times and always enjoyed it. My son, who lives near me, and I had airline tickets to visit them for the 4th of July weekend, but I chickened out. Airports don't sound very healthy to me, and from what I've been reading and seeing on the news, our airline system is in chaos also. Umpteen flights have been cancelled.
> 
> My son is still planning to go, but he had to change the date. We were supposed to go today and had a nice early flight, but the airline changed it to 10 PM!  He changed the date of travel to tomorrow, and we're hoping the airline doesn't once again change the time.
> 
> I guess it's still covid problems, plus the price of fuel that has caused all this.


here in the UK airports  it's the lack of staff caused by the layoffs during Covid...but in Spain they're striking for more money


----------



## Skyking

Just read the original post and I get like you sometimes, but I ask myself, (Tom), do you want to be right, or do you want to be loved? And that's when I hear myself...I, I, I'm. Wow, so maybe try and give the guy and your marriage a break. No one is perfect. Work with him or at least give a thought to why he is the way he is, and you are the way you are. Hope it works out. If I've spoken wrongly, forgive me. I'm just a trying to be helpful. God bless, and peace.


----------



## dseag2

I read the original post, and I'm sure Babs is long gone.  With that said, I do feel the need to comment.  I was forced to retire at 62 due to Covid, and my partner who had not worked for 6 years, went back to work so we could have health insurance.  He has never had an issue with my retirement because I worked my a** off to provide for the household.  

When he has his days off, we co-exist peacefully in the house and frequently go out individually on errands.  I'm not sure why Babs was so stressed to be at home with her husband and felt the need to give up her hobbies.  I think a successful marriage requires that each individual is truly independent with their own interests, not co-dependent.  Sounds like she needed some counseling.


----------



## Patricia

babs75 said:


> My husband retired a month ago.  He is 64-1/2.  I am 62.  It is really sooner than I would have liked but it's what he wanted.  I will continue working.  I love my job and make a good living at it.  We will not be pulling social security or retirement yet.  We are going to try to manage on my salary and our savings.  It's depressing to have my income cut in half.  We used to live a fairly comfortable life but he has always been a spender.   He spends too much money and evidently now thinks that retirement is a vacation.  He's upset with me that I've told him he needs to cut back.  I've noticed the past month that he gets bored during the day so he goes to the store.   I've laid all expenses out on a spreadsheet and we have been able to make a few changes but not nearly enough.
> 
> I enjoyed having the house to myself for an hour or so in the morning after he left for work. I would get to watch what news station I wanted to watch and catch up on DVR recordings while getting ready for work (he has control of the remote.....I could watch in another room but I rather like the TV in the family room so I DVR a lot of stuff.  He seems to think he can dictate what I watch). Now there's no time to watch my recordings.
> 
> He goes to bed earlier than me because of all of those years of going to work at 6 a.m. and I get an hour to myself in the evening to chill.  I tend to watch things he doesn't like and he will ALWAYS comment on what station the TV was on when he gets up in the morning so I try to remember to change it before I go to bed.  (I do the same thing with the car radio -- eliminates one less thing for him to b*tch about).
> 
> I work from home 2 days a week, 3 days in the office, and I cherished those work from home days because I was there by myself where I had peace and quiet.  That is all gone.  He is always there!  With the exception of a few times per summer when he camps up at acreage we have in the forest.  Those days are few and far between and they are a vacation for me to be home by myself!  He tends to like to control things and thinks he can plan my 2 days off on the weekend.
> 
> Sewing and crafting seem to be a thing of the past now. I used to take vacation days from work when he was working just to get things done at home, run errands, time to do what I want to do but I can't even do that anymore.  I tried it recently and he seemed to think he could plan my day for me.   After 41 years of marriage and trying to keep him happy, this is just getting worse and worse.  What can I do to pull myself out of this?  I wish he'd go back to work but he has no intention of doing that.


----------



## Patricia

babs75 said:


> My husband retired a month ago.  He is 64-1/2.  I am 62.  It is really sooner than I would have liked but it's what he wanted.  I will continue working.  I love my job and make a good living at it.  We will not be pulling social security or retirement yet.  We are going to try to manage on my salary and our savings.  It's depressing to have my income cut in half.  We used to live a fairly comfortable life but he has always been a spender.   He spends too much money and evidently now thinks that retirement is a vacation.  He's upset with me that I've told him he needs to cut back.  I've noticed the past month that he gets bored during the day so he goes to the store.   I've laid all expenses out on a spreadsheet and we have been able to make a few changes but not nearly enough.
> 
> I enjoyed having the house to myself for an hour or so in the morning after he left for work. I would get to watch what news station I wanted to watch and catch up on DVR recordings while getting ready for work (he has control of the remote.....I could watch in another room but I rather like the TV in the family room so I DVR a lot of stuff.  He seems to think he can dictate what I watch). Now there's no time to watch my recordings.
> 
> He goes to bed earlier than me because of all of those years of going to work at 6 a.m. and I get an hour to myself in the evening to chill.  I tend to watch things he doesn't like and he will ALWAYS comment on what station the TV was on when he gets up in the morning so I try to remember to change it before I go to bed.  (I do the same thing with the car radio -- eliminates one less thing for him to b*tch about).
> 
> I work from home 2 days a week, 3 days in the office, and I cherished those work from home days because I was there by myself where I had peace and quiet.  That is all gone.  He is always there!  With the exception of a few times per summer when he camps up at acreage we have in the forest.  Those days are few and far between and they are a vacation for me to be home by myself!  He tends to like to control things and thinks he can plan my 2 days off on the weekend.
> 
> Sewing and crafting seem to be a thing of the past now. I used to take vacation days from work when he was working just to get things done at home, run errands, time to do what I want to do but I can't even do that anymore.  I tried it recently and he seemed to think he could plan my day for me.   After 41 years of marriage and trying to keep him happy, this is just getting worse and worse.  What can I do to pull myself out of this?  I wish he'd go back to work but he has no intention of doing that.


Hopefully you are just going through an adjustment period.


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## NoFunAnymore

I’m in the same boat as you! He retired we’ve been married almost 44 yrs I’ve always had the days at home to nest and make my house a home but I’m miserable with him sitting around all day long saying all he’s “going” to do but doesn’t. No hobby no friends no anything just sit!


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## Paladin1950

When I read the title of this thread, I thought about _Keeping Up Appearances. _The episodes where Richard retires and has to face living with Hyacinth 24 hours a day. Neighbor Emmett said, "The poor devil!"


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## dseag2

Paladin1950 said:


> When I read the title of this thread, I thought about _Keeping Up Appearances. _The episodes where Richard retires and has to face living with Hyacinth 24 hours a day. Neighbor Emmett said, "The poor devil!"


One of my absolute favorite shows.  My mother came from a humble background and sometimes tried overly hard to put on airs.  She was also a perfectionist.  We always called her Hyacinth!


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## mrstime

I am so lucky as DH can entertain himself. He retired at 67 he is now 84 and we have enjoyed his retirement.


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## Ladybj

mrstime said:


> I am so lucky as DH can entertain himself. He retired at 67 he is now 84 and we have enjoyed his retirement.


I've always said its good if spouses enjoy being in each other's company because if they are together long enough, they will face retirement. My hubby and I face challenges, however we enjoy each others company...married so far for 38 years.  I retired early and he is 60 yrs young and thinking of retiring but plan on continuing to work in a different field.  Due to his current work schedule we spend quite a bit of time together during the day.


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## Knight

Aug 5, 2019<--- Babs original post date. Pretty sure her problem has been resolved by now.  
So many reasons to be called lucky man.  This thread is about one of those reasons. Before & since retiring except for a few times while in the Navy my wife & I have been together 24/7 over 60 years now. I don't know how my life would be without her at my side.


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## StarSong

Knight said:


> *Aug 5, 2019**<--- Babs original post date. Pretty sure her problem has been resolved by now. *
> So many reasons to be called lucky man.  This thread is about one of those reasons. Before & since retiring except for a few times while in the Navy my wife & I have been together 24/7 over 60 years now. I don't know how my life would be without her at my side.


Yes, and her final post was three days later so she probably hasn't benefited from any of the advice offered.  

Like you and your wife, @Knight, my husband and I are well suited to each other and get along extremely well.  He's the best friend, boyfriend, lover, advocate, champion, traveling companion, sympathetic shoulder, source of good advice, soft place to land during times of stress, and roommate I've ever had.  By far.  

Nobody needs to tell me how lucky I am. I already know that to be true.


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## Barbara971

I had no intention of living the life I did for forty years….husband gleefully leaving every Monday, coming back on Friday. Now I know, we should have discussed our expectations before marriage. Anyway, here we are after 53 years of marriage and he’s been retired for 11/2 years. One thing I told him…”You’re on my turf now.” One rule we have is that he goes and watches his BIG TV every aftenoon so I can take a nap. One day, he was taking too long getting ready to go watch, and out of frustration I said “Will you just get your sh*t and shove off?” It stays as funny as the day I said it. I think advocating for myself from the beginning of his retirement has improved life for both of us.


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## carouselsilver

In a way,I can relate to the OP about having hubby around all day! When my husband is home on the weekends, it can be a bit irritating. I just can't work on my writing projects because he interrupts. But since we are both nerds and have our own offices we mostly spend time apart on the computer or working on projects. Then we come together in the evening to cook supper together and watch television. Other than that, he is a great provider and my best friend too!


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## Barbara971

carouselsilver said:


> In a way,I can relate to the OP about having hubby around all day! When my husband is home on the weekends, it can be a bit irritating. I just can't work on my writing projects because he interrupts. But since we are both nerds and have our own offices we mostly spend time apart on the computer or working on projects. Then we come together in the evening to cook supper together and watch television. Other than that, he is a great provider and my best friend too!


Sort of sounds ideal!


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## carouselsilver

Barbara971 said:


> I think advocating for myself from the beginning of his retirement has improved life for both of us.


This is a good idea! I'm going to be giving this some thought.


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## RobinWren

babs75 said:


> My husband retired a month ago.  He is 64-1/2.  I am 62.  It is really sooner than I would have liked but it's what he wanted.  I will continue working.  I love my job and make a good living at it.  We will not be pulling social security or retirement yet.  We are going to try to manage on my salary and our savings.  It's depressing to have my income cut in half.  We used to live a fairly comfortable life but he has always been a spender.   He spends too much money and evidently now thinks that retirement is a vacation.  He's upset with me that I've told him he needs to cut back.  I've noticed the past month that he gets bored during the day so he goes to the store.   I've laid all expenses out on a spreadsheet and we have been able to make a few changes but not nearly enough.
> 
> I enjoyed having the house to myself for an hour or so in the morning after he left for work. I would get to watch what news station I wanted to watch and catch up on DVR recordings while getting ready for work (he has control of the remote.....I could watch in another room but I rather like the TV in the family room so I DVR a lot of stuff.  He seems to think he can dictate what I watch). Now there's no time to watch my recordings.
> 
> He goes to bed earlier than me because of all of those years of going to work at 6 a.m. and I get an hour to myself in the evening to chill.  I tend to watch things he doesn't like and he will ALWAYS comment on what station the TV was on when he gets up in the morning so I try to remember to change it before I go to bed.  (I do the same thing with the car radio -- eliminates one less thing for him to b*tch about).
> 
> I work from home 2 days a week, 3 days in the office, and I cherished those work from home days because I was there by myself where I had peace and quiet.  That is all gone.  He is always there!  With the exception of a few times per summer when he camps up at acreage we have in the forest.  Those days are few and far between and they are a vacation for me to be home by myself!  He tends to like to control things and thinks he can plan my 2 days off on the weekend.
> 
> Sewing and crafting seem to be a thing of the past now. I used to take vacation days from work when he was working just to get things done at home, run errands, time to do what I want to do but I can't even do that anymore.  I tried it recently and he seemed to think he could plan my day for me.   After 41 years of marriage and trying to keep him happy, this is just getting worse and worse.  What can I do to pull myself out of this?  I wish he'd go back to work but he has no intention of doing that.


I realize this is a few years old but how is life now?


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## StarSong

RobinWren said:


> I realize this is a few years old but how is life now?


Babs (the originator of this thread) hasn't checked into SF since three days after making this post.  I call people like that "seagull posters."  They fly over, drop a couple of splats, then continue on their way without giving much thought to where those splats landed.


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## RobinWren

StarSong said:


> Babs (the originator of this thread) hasn't checked into SF since three days after making this post.  I call people like that "seagull posters."  They fly over, drop a couple of splats, then continue on their way without giving much thought to where those splats landed.


Thank you for that. I wonder if I am a seagull poster but more often than not I lurk.


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## StarSong

RobinWren said:


> Thank you for that. I wonder if I am a seagull poster but more often than not I lurk.


"Seagull posters" are my description only.  There may be an internet term for people who do this, but if so, I don't know it.

Seagulls are how I mentally frame people whose postings include the splatter of rather involved personal stories (as in this thread), sometimes follow up with a question or two (this one checks that box), and are typically gone in less than a week, never to be seen again.
Meantime, other forum members helpfully write numerous bits of advice and personal anecdotes (this thread has 25 posts). After a while someone realizes the OP seagull has continued its journey with little apparent interest or recall about where its droppings landed.  OP is identified by other posters as MIA and the thread languishes.  

Sometime later a new member unearths the thread (two years later in this case, and by yet another seagull who posted just once before moving on).  S/he doesn't bother reading enough of the thread to learn the OP has flown away. So the thread gets resurrected, another round of helpful advice is offered to someone who isn't reading it.  Eventually the OP is again identified as MIA.  Sometimes we go through this cycle several times with a thread.  Lather, rinse, repeat.      

I belong to a dog related forum where inactive threads are identified as such. Just above the reply box, it states: 

_"This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread."  _
That seems wise to me.


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## Raddragn

Being a very independent person, I reacted poorly to my very controlling Ex - I could never do anything right and he had multiple ways of making me aware of it. For many years I felt literally trapped and tried to please him. We had 4 children and I had no way of making a large enough living to support us. and I knew he would never pay child support. After 12 years I made up my mind to go back to school to get my BSN. I already had 3 years completed right out of high school. I wasn't necessarily aiming for a divorce, but I wanted a choice. After I graduated, we moved up here and after 5 years, I could no longer deal with both his increasing drinking and the attempts at controlling - which I would never go along with any more. I found that the more you give in, the more you have to give in. I started out slowly saying "no" and gradually said "no" to more and more. He drank more and more until I reached a point where I felt I could no longer deal with it  I have to admit that I have never been happier than during this stretch of time I've been single. 
My Ex didn't react to "no" all that well, but other men may be more amenable if approached tactfully and given a good reason to scale back their controlling instincts. After such a long time it isn't going to happen overnight and will require a phenomenal amount of patience. It sounds like you have to sit down with yourself and decide if it is worth the time and effort it will require at this point in your life when your time allotment is becoming shorter and shorter.


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## Raddragn

*oops! Didn't even see the above until I posted. Oh well*


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