# What Is The Real Reason Some Yearn For The Good old Days?



## fmdog44 (Oct 21, 2020)

There are many posts about going back to older days. I have been the opposite all of my life. I never wanted for days gone by. I accept every day for what it is including days where I have regrets. So what? I'm human and flawed. Why do some leave home after high school?  Part of it is to remove themselves from what and where they were. So many of my boyhood friends remain in the town we grew up in. To me that is the definition of hell. I never really stopped moving until I was in my mid 40's. New places and new faces is what I wanted as frequently as possible. Part of my outlook is from my father telling me from an early age go out an see the world. It always made sense to me as a way of life. Having good memories is enough and even if I could go back for those good memories I would not. I have a friend that constantly harps on his past life. I feel sad for him. When we stop expanding we stop living. My 02.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 21, 2020)

Some of us don’t leave home after high school, some of us are shoved out the door, some of us run screaming into the night, but, one way or another, we all leave.


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## Shalimar (Oct 21, 2020)

Sometimes leaving home after finishing school does not preclude carrying the past with you. Childhood trauma will do that. Often, all the adult accomplishments, travelling etc simply aren’t enough to wash the pain away. For some, even therapy can have limited success.


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## Sassycakes (Oct 21, 2020)

*The only reason why I yearn for the good old days is because of what the world is like today, In the good old days I didn't have to worry about what awful things are going on now.Of course I started worrying when the Viet Nam war started and I wouldn't want to relive those days ever again.*


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## Pecos (Oct 21, 2020)

fmdog44 said:


> There are many posts about going back to older days. I have been the opposite all of my life. I never wanted for days gone by. I accept every day for what it is including days where I have regrets. So what? I'm human and flawed. Why do some leave home after high school?  Part of it is to remove themselves from what and where they were. So many of my boyhood friends remain in the town we grew up in. To me that is the definition of hell. I never really stopped moving until I was in my mid 40's. New places and new faces is what I wanted as frequently as possible. Part of my outlook is from my father telling me from an early age go out an see the world. It always made sense to me as a way of life. Having good memories is enough and even if I could go back for those good memories I would not. I have a friend that constantly harps on his past life. I feel sad for him. When we stop expanding we stop living. My 02.


That is a great post, and I totally agree with you. On the rare occasions when I have stopped off and seen my old HS crew, I am often struck by how small their worlds are. I would find it boring. I will admit that 31 years in the Navy will do that to a person. I also admit to a little envy over how close they are to each other.

But I would still take my path again even with the rough spots, and I suspect you would take your again as well.


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## Gaer (Oct 21, 2020)

Why do they yearn? IMO It's not a stark, crude, in your face reality.  It's soft, comforting, peaceful; like a gentle dream.  Even the bad memories are viewed now with a sweetness and understanding.  You're not experiencing it.  You're watching it as from a quiet movie seat and it takes on a mellow tone, like a  sepia  photograph or a gas light lamp.  
We can't linger there.  This is our life of activity and the goal of expansion of happiness.  The past is gone.
It's just a place to visit occasionally.


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## Pecos (Oct 21, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Some of us don’t leave home after high school, some of us are shoved out the door, some of us run screaming into the night, but, one way or another, we all leave.


I couldn't wait to get out the door and get away from my alcoholic parents. One week after graduation, I was gone.


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## Gaer (Oct 21, 2020)

Pecos said:


> I couldn't wait to get out the door and get away from my alcoholic parents. One week after graduation, I was gone.


Wow Pecos, You went on toget a Masters degree without family help?  That's impressive!


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## jerry old (Oct 21, 2020)

we were young
we were strong
we were virile
we were ignorant (how great that was, just flopping around doing whatever, no thought of consequences)


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## Ruth n Jersey (Oct 21, 2020)

I yearn for the good old days mostly because the memories I have is of a simpler life that included all my family who have passed on. We were all close. Family time was special. 
I never remember anyone ever saying they didn't have time for this or that even though people worked harder and longer than today.
I met my hubby in the early 70s, and to this day we live only 50 miles from our childhood homes. We lived at home until the day we were married. 
I'm tired of all the rush. I think this virus has been an eye opener for some people. They realize they don't have to be rushing around. Many are enjoying cooking meals for the first time ,reading books and pursuing other hobbies which is  exactly what we did back in the day. 
Maybe its a wake up call to slow down and stop and smell the roses.


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## Nathan (Oct 21, 2020)

I wasn't a "yearn for the good old days" guy, my life seemed to unfold in chapters that I would live though, then be eager to move on from.   I've tried to stay "current" and not be mentally oriented towards realities that no longer exist.


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## Pecos (Oct 21, 2020)

Gaer said:


> Wow Pecos, You went on toget a Masters degree without family help?  That's impressive!


Well, I did get a lot of help from the Navy and I like to think that they got their money's worth LOL.


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## Ellen Marie (Oct 21, 2020)

Those were the days, my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 22, 2020)

Sassycakes said:


> *The only reason why I yearn for the good old days is because of what the world is like today, In the good old days I didn't have to worry about what awful things are going on now.Of course I started worrying when the Viet Nam war started and I wouldn't want to relive those days ever again.*


I didn’t have many good old childhood days.  I would never go back to that pain.


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## IrisSenior (Oct 22, 2020)

The only reason I would yearn for the good old days is how much time family spent it together. Not much money so you appreciate what you do have which is time to enjoy your siblings and parents. Sadly most (like me) don't appreciate that until we are older and most family members have passed on. Now we are spending time together but just my immediate family so I try to stay connect to others (siblings and cousins) by messaging, text and phone calls. Hopefully and eventually in the future we will get together again with those that we truly miss.


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## Lewkat (Oct 22, 2020)

Music is what I long for.  Good music.  We danced good dances and people could sing and we understood them, so yes, that's what I long for.  Also, why I spend an inordinate amount of time on You Tube.  While I am well educated and widely traveled, I have returned to my area of growing up.  It is a comfort zone in my old age, I guess.


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 22, 2020)

Ruth n Jersey's, post really hit home for me, it embraces my very thoughts and memories related to the past.

As a young child, we were always going somewhere to visit someone or another (family/friends), and we always had visitors in our home. When it came to important holiday gatherings, there was a real warmness in the air, as everybody planned for that special sit-down meal together, and there was always so many of us. Lots of kids, lots of family, and the love ran deep.

Everything not only seemed warmer and cozier, it was warmer and cozier than today, in that the woman of the house was always home, there was baking in the oven, something simmering on the stove, the house was warm, the lights were on, and there was love in the house.

There was structure, routines, and life truly was enjoyed at a much slower and more relaxed pace compared to today. There was less materialism back in the day, and nobody I knew put greed ahead of family.

There were Sunday family drives, barbecues, beach outings, and neighbourhood get-togethers. Everyone knew everybody, and no one would have ever seen someone hard done by, if they were alone or lonely, an invitation was quickly extended, and helping other neighbours was all in a day's work when I was growing up.

Playtime actually stood for something when I was young and growing... it was as if it was mandatory, the more play, the better, and moms were always happy to see their kids out playing, because it gave them a chance to catch up on housework and things inside, and enjoying a lazy afternoon cup of tea or a cold refreshing drink in the shade of ones back yard was par for the course.

The crazy hustle and bustle that we're witnessing today didn't exist in my neck of the woods back in the day, people travelled, walked, and did at a much slower pace, people took the time to bend over and smell the roses, to look up at the sky, to watch birds flying in the air, and to stop and have a friendly chat with a neighbour or two as one went about their daily affairs.

There was a general sense of safety and trust back in the day, something society lacks in a really big way today. People don't know one another today like people used to know people back in the day.

Most everything was simpler back in the day, less complicated, and a general sense of higher respect and appreciation for others ran more true than it does today, way more true.

I could go on and on...


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## Liberty (Oct 22, 2020)

Gaer said:


> Why do they yearn? IMO It's not a stark, crude, in your face reality.  It's soft, comforting, peaceful; like a gentle dream.  Even the bad memories are viewed now with a sweetness and understanding.  You're not experiencing it.  You're watching it as from a quiet movie seat and it takes on a mellow tone, like a  sepia  photograph or a gas light lamp.
> We can't linger there.  This is our life of activity and the goal of expansion of happiness.  The past is gone.
> It's just a place to visit occasionally.


Its like your higher self viewing your lower self...a bird on a limb watching 
your thoughts and actions in loving indifference.


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## jerry old (Oct 22, 2020)

The reverberates in our minds  of the time of carefree days (that's the way we remember them)
'The Way We Were'
We/I  yearn for those times


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## 911 (Oct 22, 2020)

Shalimar said:


> Sometimes leaving home after finishing school does not preclude carrying the past with you. Childhood trauma will do that. Often, all the adult accomplishments, travelling etc simply aren’t enough to wash the pain away. For some, even therapy can have limited success.


I'm the other way. I enjoy reliving my youth from the time that I can remember until marriage. It was a great time to be alive. Not saying that marriage changed my life and not being a happy person, but my growing and learning years were absolutely the best of times, as they say.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 22, 2020)

Hmm.  @Aunt Marg A story from my wonderful childhood.

I was sent outside as in “I am sick of you being around, so outside. NOW!”  It was after dinner.  I don’t know how I ended up outside barefoot.  The rule was always wear shoes.  I figure I was around eight.

I would not be outside long.  When they finished eating, I would be called in to do the dishes.  I walked across the side yard which, since we just move to a new house, was not yet planted.  I suppose something caught my eye.  I stepped on an old piece of 2x2 with a large rusty construction nail in it.  I must have screamed, had to have screamed.  I don’t remember.

The nail went up through the arch of my foot and came out the top.  It stuck up a couple of inches through the top of my foot.  My butt hit the dirt and I just sat there.  (What else could I do?  I had a giant nail in my foot, held against the bottom of by foot by a pice of wood).  I wasn’t crying.  I never cried.  Then, mother, from the doorway calls.  Come in, time for dishes.  

I don’t answer.  It’s twilight outside.  She comes to the end of walkway.  She is wearing her white heavy terry cloth (I think) robe with the pink flowers with green stems on the left side.  She loves this robe.  She walks over and sees me sitting.  Where are your shoes?  (I have wondered that my entire life.  Where were my shoes.)  Get up.  “I can’t”

She walks over and sees my problem.  Reaches down, (Using her right hand) takes hold of the piece of wood, and pulls the nail, and board, out and off my foot.  I start to bleed like a stuck pig.  She uses her right hand, pulls me, and pulls me along into the house.  It’s a slow journey.

I am hopping on one foot, my left.  I am leaning against her.  My foot is bleeding all over her robe and the flowers and the stems.  As we struggle to get into the house, she says “I told you to wear shoes outside”. With her right hand, she is hold onto my right arm, half dragging me.  With her left hand, she hits my butt with every word she says.  Spanks me all the way into the house.

She sits me down in a dinning room chair.  Goes and gets an old sheet, tears and ties it around my foot.  “You got blood all over my robe.”  She pulls me out of the chair, folds me over her lap, and continues spanking.  Tosses me back into the chair, throws the rest of the sheet at me, and yells “clean up the blood”, which I do.

When I am done, she tells me to go do the dishes.  I go do the dishes.

Yup, I do not miss the good old days.  Not one dang bit.  I could go on, @Aunt Marg.


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 22, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Hmm.  @Aunt Marg A story from my wonderful childhood.
> 
> I was sent outside as in “I am sick of you being around, so outside. NOW!”  It was after dinner.  I don’t know how I ended up outside barefoot.  The rule was always wear shoes.  I figure I was around eight.
> 
> ...


Oh, how I love the story, Aneeda! 

ROFLMAO! The spanking you got reminds me of a spanking I gave one of my sons one day. I had told the younger ones, _NO_ going down the basement stairs by yourself. It was laundry day, and I had spent the morning going up and down, and wouldn't you know it, I dropped my guard for a minute, and one of my sons took a tumble down the stairs.

They were wooden, and the landing concrete, and all I heard was a series of clunks and bangs. I don't think my feet touched more than two stairs going down to fetch him in a panic. Amazingly enough, dear son had just scared the dickens out of himself, and once I established that he was alright, I grabbed hold of him by one arm, and as I was ushering him back up the stairs, for every step he took, I landed a smart spank on his bulky diapered bottom, all the way to the top.

Kids will be kids.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 22, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> Oh, how I love the story, Aneeda!
> 
> ROFLMAO! The spanking you got reminds me of a spanking I gave one of my sons one day. I had told the younger ones, _NO_ going down the basement stairs by yourself. It was laundry day, and I had spent the morning going up and down, and wouldn't you know it, I dropped my guard for a minute, and one of my sons took a tumble down the stairs.
> 
> ...


I thought you would be amused.  As much as I was by your childhood story, I like fantasies.


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## Pinky (Oct 22, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Hmm.  @Aunt Marg A story from my wonderful childhood.
> 
> I was sent outside as in “I am sick of you being around, so outside. NOW!”  It was after dinner.  I don’t know how I ended up outside barefoot.  The rule was always wear shoes.  I figure I was around eight.
> 
> ...


I'm speechless


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## fmdog44 (Oct 22, 2020)

To everyone that believes life was simpler back when you were kids if you could ask your parents they would tell you life was not simple but challenging just like now.


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## Pinky (Oct 22, 2020)

I think many of us look back at the old days as better, due to the fact we were immature and ignorant kids. Even with today's problems, I would not choose to re-live those days. That is not to say there wasn't the occasional good experience in my life .. just, very few.


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 22, 2020)

fmdog44 said:


> To everyone that believes life was simpler back when you were kids if you could ask your parents they would tell you life was not simple but challenging just like now.


Every generation lives experiences ups and downs, but I'd take the old way over today, any day.

Our world today is no where near the same as it was yesteryear. All I see when I look at the world we live in today is turmoil. A rat race to no where.


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## StarSong (Oct 22, 2020)

I don't yearn for the "good old days."  Lots of anxiety then, too.  Korean War, Vietnam War, Cold War, the proliferation of bomb shelters.  Fights for civil rights, women's rights, voting rights, and rights for the disabled.  We had unsafe cars, a cancer diagnosis was a virtual death sentence, children were often beaten within an inch of their lives - as were many women, and ****** abuse was rampant.  

No rose colored glasses for this gal. I did my time in the 50s and 60s already. Once through was enough for me.


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## Camper6 (Oct 22, 2020)

The reason I yearn for the good old days is because I was young.


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## ClassicRockr (Oct 22, 2020)

First, I remember being scared out of my wits when the Cuban Missile Crisis happened. Then, due to the restrictions I had with step parents, couldn't wait to graduate high school and move out. But, after moving out, the Navy called me up and I found out, extremely fast, just how good I had it before I was called up. 

Of the very few things I miss from "yesteryear", I do miss the old tv programs, such as Superman, Jack Lord of Hawaii Five-O and all of the old Westerns I use to watch. Good thing is, many of my favorite Westerns are on two channels we get. 

Now, what I like about today, that I didn't have in the Navy or early jobs..........computers. Back then, only had an electric typewriter. Also, having an iPhone sure beats the heck out of waiting to look something up at home on the computer. It also beats pulling off of a freeway to look for a payphone! Like the digital cameras of today. To me, much better than the old film cameras where the film had to be taken in for processing. I do my own processing on our computer. IOW, I love the "electronic age" of today, which we didn't have way back when. 

I would tell anyone, "if I ever did go back to the Rin-Tin-Tin and Lassie days, I'd take my iPhone and laptop with me!"


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## jerry old (Oct 22, 2020)

StarSong's  'rose collored glasses
I was asking myself, what about the uncertainty, the anxieties, the lack of understand; we were on the breech of adulthood we were not yearning for the secure clasp of our parents
So, What Was So Great About It?
Again, young strong, invulnerable and a lot of stupid-  Adulthood was a scary certainty.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 22, 2020)

jerry old said:


> StarSong's  'rose collored glasses
> I was asking myself, what about the uncertainty, the anxieties, the lack of understand; we were on the breech of adulthood we were not yearning for the secure clasp of our parents
> So, What Was So Great About It?
> Again, young strong, invulnerable and a lot of stupid-  Adulthood was a scary certainty.


Still is.


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## 911 (Oct 22, 2020)

StarSong said:


> I don't yearn for the "good old days."  Lots of anxiety then, too.  Korean War, Vietnam War, Cold War, the proliferation of bomb shelters.  Fights for civil rights, women's rights, voting rights, and rights for the disabled.  We had unsafe cars, a cancer diagnosis was a virtual death sentence, children were often beaten within an inch of their lives - as were many women, and ****** abuse was rampant.
> 
> No rose colored glasses for this gal. I did my time in the 50s and 60s already. Once through was enough for me.


I took the question to mean how it affected me personally. Everything you stated is true, but as a child until I was 18, I never had to deal with any of it. In fact, even though we would watch the news, we never saw it mattering to us. You’re a kid, you don’t think about some of the things you mentioned. At least I don’t remember being concerned with it. Didn’t mean to be selfish or self-centered. I was just a kid.


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## StarSong (Oct 22, 2020)

How very fortunate you were, 911, and I mean that sincerely.  My childhood wasn't so smooth.  Based on glimpses from other SF posters, I wasn't the only one.  

Many of us were beaten, molested, threatened and/or neglected.  Most often at the hands of our own parents.  When the betrayal comes from those who are responsible for your care, who are supposed to be looking out for you, the world is a terrifying place.    

Having been a police officer for so many years, you surely have seen some horrific examples of what I'm describing.  I'd bet that those children/victims wouldn't return to their "good old days" for all the tea in China.   

I envy those who had a smooth childhood. It's such a wonderful gift.


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## jerry old (Oct 22, 2020)

I'm thinking:
the kids that were traumatized, beat like a dog, sexually abused, severely
 verbally abused-are not going to post on this thread?
don't think there are a lot on SF 

otherwise, it is a cathartic purge for those of us that got our butts beat-and deserved every whack
'Mommy done me wrong.'


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 22, 2020)

jerry old said:


> I'm thinking:
> the kids that were traumatized, beat like a dog, sexually abused, severely
> verbally abused-are not going to post on this thread?
> don't think there are a lot on SF
> ...


Oh? Really? Hmm, have you read my threads?  Hmm, ignorance is bliss, I suppose.  Or, here is a thought read my threads, me thinks you are wrong.  @jerry old

Edited:  I was beaten worst than a dog.


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## Shalimar (Oct 22, 2020)

jerry old said:


> I'm thinking:
> the kids that were traumatized, beat like a dog, sexually abused, severely
> verbally abused-are not going to post on this thread?
> don't think there are a lot on SF
> ...


Many of the long term posters know the story of my childhood. It isn’t pretty. I was abused in all ways possible, just a part of normal everyday life in paedophileland for the little sex slave they named “the doll.” Number one child whore in a stable of fifteen children, boys and girls. I am the only one who survived to adulthood. Understandable, I think, why it might be difficult to post stuff like this. There are a number of members here who have horrific memories not much different than my own


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## Knight (Oct 22, 2020)

For me I don't yearn for "The Good Old Days". For me the changes in society from decades from the 1940's to now have been the good old days. If I get thru this decade, these will be the good old days for me.

As a question looking for a single reason. I don't think the real reason can be answered as a single question. Because IMO there is no one answer that applies to everyone.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 22, 2020)

Shalimar said:


> Many of the long term posters know the story of my childhood. It isn’t pretty. I was abused in all ways possible, just a part of normal everyday life in paedophileland for the little sex slave they named “the doll.” Number one child whore in a stable of fifteen children, boys and girls. I am the only one who survived to adulthood. Understandable, I think, why it might be difficult to post stuff like this. There are a number of members here who have horrific memories not much different than my own


It breaks my heart, simply breaks my heart for you and the others.  I am so very sorry.  People don’t understand, we, the survivors, don’t understand.  How could they, we were children, how could they do this?  I have no answers.

Healing is a process.  We heal so we no longer have bleeding wounds, emotional or physical; but the scabs are there, the scars are there, and the hurt continues.  For me, always the question:  how could they?  Never an answer.

I have a school picture of me, I am 9 or 10.  I see the sadness and pain and confusion in the face of the little girl I was and I think, again, how could they?  I realize now, at 74, closure  will never come.  I will die, asking, how could they?


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## fmdog44 (Oct 22, 2020)

It was "acceptable" under certain circumstances to hit your spouse and kids. Police and governments in general went unchecked. The number of schools in the country was grossly under what it should have been. Bigotry was alive and flourishing. A woman's right to not be sexually harrassed at work was non-existent. The foods in supermarkets went largely unregulated for safety. Truth in labeling for medicines and food went unchecked.
A workers right to appeal company's decision to terminate for no reason did not exist. Unions were corrupt. Chemical pollution of water bodies was not monitored. Littering was everywhere. Quality in American products was a joke. I'm sure I left some things out about life back when but it should be enough to make one rethink living 50-70 years ago was better than today.


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## Shalimar (Oct 22, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> It breaks my heart, simply breaks my heart for you and the others.  I am so very sorry.  People don’t understand, we, the survivors, don’t understand.  How could they, we were children, how could they do this?  I have no answers.
> 
> Healing is a process.  We heal so we no longer have bleeding wounds, emotional or physical; but the scabs are there, the scars are there, and the hurt continues.  For me, always the question:  how could they?  Never an answer.
> 
> I have a school picture of me, I am 9 or 10.  I see the sadness and pain and confusion in the face of the little girl I was and I think, again, how could they?  I realize now, at 74, closure  will never come.  I will die, asking, how could they?


Ohhh, how your compassion washes over me and I weep healing tears. The child in me thanks you for the love also. I still ask how could they, and I am a psychotherapist.


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## Uptosnuff (Oct 22, 2020)

I yearn for the old days because they WERE simpler.  I was lucky, I had a good childhood.  I could roam my neighborhood with the rest of the kids until it got dark or my mom called me in.  I was not abused.  Kids socialized, neighbors socialized.  People didn't rely on technology for every little thing.  We entertained ourselves.  Sure, there were problems but we had the freedom to figure out a solution.  

Now, everything and everyone is tracked within an inch of their lives.  You step outside of your house and you are subject to being tracked, photographed, videoed.  No privacy whatsoever.  We are now living 1984.  The 24/7 tabloid propaganda we have makes sure we shake in our shoes about everything.

Kid's lives are now structured for them.  No just going out to play. Most people don't think it's safe to let their kids play in the neighborhood.  We have a problem with human trafficking.  I am in no way dismissing those that had traumatic, terrible childhoods, but I think that still happens today.

I don't like where I see society heading.  We are withdrawing more and more into ourselves.  Soon we will exist in virtual worlds.


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## JimBob1952 (Oct 22, 2020)

It's always a challenge.  Remember gas lines? 21 percent interest rates?  14 percent inflation?  AIDS?  Vietnam?  The Weathermen? The Iranian hostage crisis?  One thing fades, another thing comes along.  

Generally speaking, I find people today to be less well-mannered, more slovenly, fatter, and less well-educated than they once were.  That's just an overall impression and there are many, many exceptions.


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## fuzzybuddy (Oct 23, 2020)

Today, some of us in this forum look around, and see a hectic, chaotic, complex world. But for others, this will be their "good old days", when life was simple and easy. Ancient Greeks complained about their kids, and the fast life, thousands of years ago. The Romans were always trying to "restore" the 'good old days', two thousand years ago. "The good old days" exist in our memories.. They probably weren't all that good. We probably scrubbed them down to take away some of the pain. Maybe we cherish those days, because they are past, and we know the outcome. We know what happened next, and we survived it. We don't know that about tomorrow, we don't know what the outcome will be. Maybe that's what's unsettling about today.


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## oldman (Oct 23, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> It breaks my heart, simply breaks my heart for you and the others.  I am so very sorry.  People don’t understand, we, the survivors, don’t understand.  How could they, we were children, how could they do this?  I have no answers.
> 
> Healing is a process.  We heal so we no longer have bleeding wounds, emotional or physical; but the scabs are there, the scars are there, and the hurt continues.  For me, always the question:  how could they?  Never an answer.
> 
> I have a school picture of me, I am 9 or 10.  I see the sadness and pain and confusion in the face of the little girl I was and I think, again, how could they?  I realize now, at 74, closure  will never come.  I will die, asking, how could they?


You are 100% correct. I don't understand. I had a marvelous childhood. I was just talking about this subject with another retired pilot early this a.m. I told him that I didn't know I would do if I was a child today. I would hope that I wouldn't be walking around glued to my phone. OK, so I grew up in a family that had money and I have believed for many years that makes a huge difference because adults don't have any financial worries or stressors as to how to pay the bills and such, and are able to concentrate more on raising the family. "Money may not buy happiness, but it makes being miserable a whole lot more tolerable." (Not my words, but I saw it on a bumper sticker one time and it stayed with me.)

I don't know how some of you survived. I'm serious. I have never felt the wrath of my dad's belt or hands, for that matter. My mom was a kind, sweet lady, who just wanted me to grow up good and decent. Attire was what concerned my mom. "Never look like a bum or act like a fool," she would say from time to time. It must have stuck that I still remember her saying that to us kids. 

I feel very bad for those of you that had to tolerate such parents and relatives with their bad behavior. As an outsider, I ask myself "Why didn't they tell someone?" Maybe because they were afraid to? I really don't know. Why would anyone tolerate being beaten or sexually abused? It's a little mind-boggling to me. I really do not understand. Do you think that kind of stuff still goes on even today? Can't teachers or neighbors recognize children that are being abused? This can't go on. What can we do? Better yet, what can I do? 

I am sorry that any one of you that was abused had to tolerate that behavior. It's just plain unacceptable.


----------



## oldman (Oct 23, 2020)

JimBob1952 said:


> It's always a challenge.  Remember gas lines? 21 percent interest rates?  14 percent inflation?  AIDS?  Vietnam?  The Weathermen? The Iranian hostage crisis?  One thing fades, another thing comes along.
> 
> Generally speaking, I find people today to be less well-mannered, more slovenly, fatter, and less well-educated than they once were.  That's just an overall impression and there are many, many exceptions.


I get that, but as a child, do you really pay attention to those things? I never did.


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## StarSong (Oct 23, 2020)

oldman said:


> As an outsider, I ask myself "Why didn't they tell someone?" Maybe because they were afraid to? I really don't know. Why would anyone tolerate being beaten or sexually abused? I


First of all I was afraid to.  If I outed my father and wasn't believed or there were no consequences, he would have beaten me within an inch of my life.  Maybe even killed me. 
Secondly, I didn't know it was illegal.  Children were essentially chattel in the 1960s.  Short of killing them, parents could pretty much treat offspring however they deemed appropriate. 
Thirdly, if he somehow went to prison, who would support the family?  I'd be responsible for throwing a large family into poverty.   

If I'd reported it to someone or run away (which I often considered) the question that always came to my mind was, "Then what?"  I figured, probably correctly, that no relative would take me in even if they believed me because their primary alliances were with my parents.  Neighbors or parents of friends?  Not likely.  So where would I go and what would I do?  Live on the streets?  How, exactly did one do that?  I had no clue.  I also believed I'd never again see my siblings, grandparents, relatives or friends I treasured. 

I endured, as did most in my situation.  We waited out the clock.  In my case, it took five years.     

At my 40th HS reunion a group of about 15 chatted deep into the night about our childhoods and teens. It was an eye opener to us all. So many had similar experiences, felt the shame, and kept the secrets. None of us knew the others were suffering, and the ones with good childhoods were stunned to learn what was going on in their best friends' households.

I've read that somewhere around 25% of American adults were sexually abused by the time they reach the age of 18. It's a statistic I have no difficulty believing.


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## Shalimar (Oct 23, 2020)

oldman said:


> You are 100% correct. I don't understand. I had a marvelous childhood. I was just talking about this subject with another retired pilot early this a.m. I told him that I didn't know I would do if I was a child today. I would hope that I wouldn't be walking around glued to my phone. OK, so I grew up in a family that had money and I have believed for many years that makes a huge difference because adults don't have any financial worries or stressors as to how to pay the bills and such, and are able to concentrate more on raising the family. "Money may not buy happiness, but it makes being miserable a whole lot more tolerable." (Not my words, but I saw it on a bumper sticker one time and it stayed with me.)
> 
> I don't know how some of you survived. I'm serious. I have never felt the wrath of my dad's belt or hands, for that matter. My mom was a kind, sweet lady, who just wanted me to grow up good and decent. Attire was what concerned my mom. "Never look like a bum or act like a fool," she would say from time to time. It must have stuck that I still remember her saying that to us kids.
> 
> ...


I was a slave, who could I have told? Who would have believed me? I was a small child when it began, powerless. Later,  I knew retribution would be swift if I opened my mouth. Other children would die, my family also, even though they were the ones who rented me out to the monsters.

Eventually, at seventeen, I ran away to the streets. Had I not been rescued by the wonderful vet who found me beaten and broken, huddled in an alley, I would have died. He gave me back my life, and I have been paying it forward ever since.


----------



## Pinky (Oct 23, 2020)

Shalimar said:


> I was a slave, who could I have told? Who would have believed me? I was a small child when it began, powerless. Later,  I knew retribution would be swift if I opened my mouth. Other children would die, my family also, even though they were the ones who rented me out to the monsters.
> 
> Eventually, at seventeen, I ran away to the streets. Had I not been rescued by the wonderful vet who found me beaten and broken, huddled in an alley, I would have died. He gave me back my life, and I have been paying it forward ever since.


@Shalimar 
You are a very strong woman, and you give so much of yourself to others.
Bless your heart.


----------



## Shalimar (Oct 23, 2020)

Pinky said:


> @Shalimar
> You are a very strong woman, and you give so much of yourself to others.
> Bless your heart.


Thank you so much for the kind words


----------



## Aneeda72 (Oct 23, 2020)

oldman said:


> You are 100% correct. I don't understand. I had a marvelous childhood. I was just talking about this subject with another retired pilot early this a.m. I told him that I didn't know I would do if I was a child today. I would hope that I wouldn't be walking around glued to my phone. OK, so I grew up in a family that had money and I have believed for many years that makes a huge difference because adults don't have any financial worries or stressors as to how to pay the bills and such, and are able to concentrate more on raising the family. "Money may not buy happiness, but it makes being miserable a whole lot more tolerable." (Not my words, but I saw it on a bumper sticker one time and it stayed with me.)
> 
> I don't know how some of you survived. I'm serious. I have never felt the wrath of my dad's belt or hands, for that matter. My mom was a kind, sweet lady, who just wanted me to grow up good and decent. Attire was what concerned my mom. "Never look like a bum or act like a fool," she would say from time to time. It must have stuck that I still remember her saying that to us kids.
> 
> ...


Well, I am always correct .


----------



## Aunt Marg (Oct 23, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Well, I am always correct .


Yeah but, most important of all, Aneeda, you are always 100% correct! 

There's a big difference between simply correct vs being correct 100% of the time.


----------



## Rosemarie (Oct 23, 2020)

It isn't just about our personal experiences, it's also about the world in general. As I posted on another thread, travelling to other countries was an adventure. They had an exotic image and I don't think tourists were disappointed. Now, sadly, so many places are geared for tourists, with big hotels, fast-food outlets,etc. It means these places are  all very much the same and their allure has gone.
I'm very glad I was able to visit countries before this happened, while the cultures and societies were  still alive. I wouldn't want to go back and see them as they are now.


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## Aunt Marg (Oct 23, 2020)

Rosemarie said:


> It isn't just about our personal experiences, it's also about the world in general. As I posted on another thread, travelling to other countries was an adventure. They had an exotic image and I don't think tourists were disappointed. Now, sadly, so many places are geared for tourists, with big hotels, fast-food outlets,etc. It means these places are  all very much the same and their allure has gone.
> I'm very glad I was able to visit countries before this happened, while the cultures and societies were  still alive. I wouldn't want to go back and see them as they are now.


And let's not overlook the fact that so many places/countries where in the past welcomed travellers with open arms, today, those very same countries are unsafe for travellers.

This world has lost so much ground.


----------



## Rosemarie (Oct 23, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> And let's not overlook the fact that so many places/countries where in the past welcomed travellers with open arms, today, those very same countries are unsafe for travellers.
> 
> This world has lost so much ground.


Actually, there were terrorist organisations in the countries I lived in....Eoka and the Mau-Mau...who hated the British. Many places were out of bounds to us. However, the British were respected. That respect has gone now...but that's a different subject.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 23, 2020)

@oldman, it never occurred to me.

Yup, I must be slow, because the thought of reporting, of telling, of running, of seeking help simply never occurred to me.  Killing myself did.  I fought killing myself every single day after I turned 12 until I was 17. 

I was in 9th grade.  I walked to school, crossed a bridge which went over a freeway, and paused, and thought.  I should jump.  But what if I land on the shoulder?  I should jump.  I’ll get hit by a car.  But what if I don’t get hit by a car?  Jump, here comes a truck.  What if it misses?

I didn’t jump.  Because, if I lived, when I got better, I would be spanked with the belt.  Afterwards, I would be put in the scalding hot bath.  I did not jump because I could not afford to survive.

How can I explain.  I don’t think I can.  It was not the physical abuse, it was not the emotional abuse, it was not kidnap and rape by a known “stranger”, it was not the limited short term ****** abuse by my uncle.  It was not jealousy of my brother.  It was not the horrific failure of my life at the age of 12.

Nothing special about me.  Nothing stellar about me.  Nothing worthwhile about me.  I wasn’t terribly bright, or pretty, or smart or athletic.  And, at 12, you know, you realize certain things about yourself.  But None of these issues drove me to want to die.

It was the fact that I knew, I knew that not one single person in my life would care, not one, if I died.  But I would be punished if I lived.  And I didn’t want to be punished.  So no you can not understand, oldman, because you knew love and I did not.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 23, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> Yeah but, most important of all, Aneeda, you are always 100% correct!
> 
> There's a big difference between simply correct vs being correct 100% of the time.


And I agree again!


----------



## Aunt Marg (Oct 23, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> And I agree again!


I just knew you would! ROFLMAO!


----------



## Phoenix (Oct 23, 2020)

Shalimar said:


> I was a slave, who could I have told? Who would have believed me? I was a small child when it began, powerless. Later,  I knew retribution would be swift if I opened my mouth. Other children would die, my family also, even though they were the ones who rented me out to the monsters.
> 
> Eventually, at seventeen, I ran away to the streets. Had I not been rescued by the wonderful vet who found me beaten and broken, huddled in an alley, I would have died. He gave me back my life, and I have been paying it forward ever since.


You been down a hard road, one most of us have never known.  You've made a remarkable recovery.  I'm sure you are a good role model for all you help.  May the blessings of the universe wrap you in gossamer wings of light.


----------



## officerripley (Oct 23, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> Every generation lives experiences ups and downs, but I'd take the old way over today, any day.
> 
> Our world today is no where near the same as it was yesteryear. All I see when I look at the world we live in today is turmoil. A rat race to no where.


When I look at my _childhood_, all is see is turmoil, even more than there is today. Walking home from school where I was bullied often & getting that feeling of dread the nearer and nearer I got to the house; nightmares almost every night: wouldn't go back to that for nothing. So my world today, even with all its turmoil, is better than back then;


----------



## officerripley (Oct 23, 2020)

911 said:


> I took the question to mean how it affected me personally. Everything you stated is true, but as a child until I was 18, I never had to deal with any of it. In fact, even though we would watch the news, we never saw it mattering to us. You’re a kid, you don’t think about some of the things you mentioned. At least I don’t remember being concerned with it. Didn’t mean to be selfish or self-centered. I was just a kid.


As a child, I actually did have to deal with my parents failings: I remember being terrified about the unpaid bills, the repossessions of cars, etc. And the news mattered plenty to me: the thought of nuclear war just terrified me.


----------



## Phoenix (Oct 23, 2020)

As my dad always said, there were no good old days.  But there are people I miss.


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## Phoenix (Oct 23, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> @oldman, it never occurred to me.
> 
> Yup, I must be slow, because the thought of reporting, of telling, of running, of seeking help simply never occurred to me.  Killing myself did.  I fought killing myself every single day after I turned 12 until I was 17.
> 
> ...


Your life was hard.  It's awful you had to go through all that.  Are you okay now?  Do you need to talk about it in a private conversation?  I am willing to listen.


----------



## officerripley (Oct 23, 2020)

oldman said:


> You are 100% correct. I don't understand. I had a marvelous childhood. I was just talking about this subject with another retired pilot early this a.m. I told him that I didn't know I would do if I was a child today. I would hope that I wouldn't be walking around glued to my phone. OK, so I grew up in a family that had money and I have believed for many years that makes a huge difference because adults don't have any financial worries or stressors as to how to pay the bills and such, and are able to concentrate more on raising the family. "Money may not buy happiness, but it makes being miserable a whole lot more tolerable." (Not my words, but I saw it on a bumper sticker one time and it stayed with me.)
> 
> I don't know how some of you survived. I'm serious. I have never felt the wrath of my dad's belt or hands, for that matter. My mom was a kind, sweet lady, who just wanted me to grow up good and decent. Attire was what concerned my mom. "Never look like a bum or act like a fool," she would say from time to time. It must have stuck that I still remember her saying that to us kids.
> 
> ...


Why we didn't tell someone was because some of us didn't know there that there was another way to live. Maybe because we kids from the disfunctional homes gravitated toward each other. It seems to me that I was friends with kids from functional families until about age 8; and then when you start being embarassed to invited kids over because of parents' rages & fights, the mess of a house/yard, the kids seem to gravitate toward their "own kind" (kids that are going through the same thing). And although I was never abused sexually, I don't remember there even being an awareness of kids being able to let a teacher or neighbor know of what was going on. And even if they did, what would such a confidante do? Tell your dad to quit having so many mistresses on the side so there's $$ for the fridge and new school clothes? Yeah, right.


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## Phoenix (Oct 23, 2020)

Oldman...my second husband was from money.  His father was cold and distant.  His mother drank too much.  She was from money also, but she was "just a woman" and was manipulated by a bunch of men in the family.  The nanny loved my ex and his siblings the best, but when I suggested that we take her out to dinner, he was appalled.  She was the servant, even though she agreed to take the job and didn't need the job for the money.   She had a grown family by then.  My husband was devastated when they found his mother drown in the river.  His mother did love him.  She was cremated right away.  The community rumor was that his father killed his mother.  When his father met me he told both his son and myself that one should not marry outside of their social class.  My husband was nice at the time.  But once he had access to the money he inherited from his grandmother, he became a jerk.


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## jerry old (Oct 23, 2020)

We were (was it just me?) so damn ignorant
Had a pedant, arrogant relative that was attending college; he made a statement
about genetics, which meant I could not be related to any member of my extended family.

Hey, he was going to college, had to be correct.
He was, given the knowledge available then, proven in error a decade later.
After he had departed, a lively night was held by all.


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## Pecos (Oct 23, 2020)

My childhood was rough, but this thread is a real eye opener to me. I wonder how many of my childhood friends went through the kinds of treatment that has been discussed here.


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## Shalimar (Oct 23, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> You been down a hard road, one most of us have never known.  You've made a remarkable recovery.  I'm sure you are a good role model for all you help.  May the blessings of the universe wrap you in gossamer wings of light.


Again I weep, touched by the light of your words. It is my fervent hope, that in my brokenness I can serve as a small candle in the bleak darkness of my client’s pain. If I could  make it out of the pit, so can they. Even should we return there from time to time. Until they can believe again, I will hold their hope for them. I will also sit in the pit with them, share their suffering. We can weep together until they are ready to take my hand and begin to climb


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## peramangkelder (Oct 23, 2020)

jerry old said:


> I'm thinking:
> the kids that were traumatized, beat like a dog, sexually abused, severely
> verbally abused-are not going to post on this thread?
> don't think there are a lot on SF
> ...


You might call yourself a redneck @jerry old but I would use it to pull your head in because there are a heck of a lot 
of us who were abused continually as children and teenagers by our parents so do not make light of it


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## peramangkelder (Oct 23, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> @oldman, it never occurred to me.
> 
> Yup, I must be slow, because the thought of reporting, of telling, of running, of seeking help simply never occurred to me.  Killing myself did.  I fought killing myself every single day after I turned 12 until I was 17.
> 
> ...


@Aneeda72 we did not report our abuse because we thought no-one would take just our word for it would they?


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## Shalimar (Oct 23, 2020)

peramangkelder said:


> @Aneeda72 we did not report our abuse because we thought no-one would take just our word for it would they?


Absolutely. And we were right


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## oldman (Oct 24, 2020)

Pecos said:


> My childhood was rough, but this thread is a real eye opener to me. I wonder how many of my childhood friends went through the kinds of treatment that has been discussed here.


I too, have been wondering the same thing. If anyone of my friends were being mistreated, I never knew about it back then and actually, I never gave it any thought. The closest thing I came to anyone near me was a friend who told me that his family did not celebrate Christmas because of their religion. I asked my mom what religion does that. She told me the only religion that she knew of that did not celebrate Christmas was no religion. I felt bad for my friend, so I bought him a gift when we were seniors and he wouldn't take it. He only asked me if I was trying to get him killed if he took it home. I kind of shrugged it off and went about my business. I just never understood anything about kids being beaten, raped or treated so atrociously by their own family members. I knew that kids were being kidnapped and mistreated by unknown strangers, but not by family members.

When I was in college, I had to fill in my schedule with other subjects that were non related to what my life's ambition was at the time. I took a course in Psych I. I guess it was during the second semester when the professor started talking about issues such as, dysfunctionality and people who were co-dependent. I remember looking back and how I thought so much of this stuff was just made up by the text book author to fill the pages when in fact, several years later, I was able to relate to these types of behaviors when I heard about missing and exploited children. It was almost like an epiphany. I had never been exposed to children being beaten or raped. It wasn't even a topic of conversation in our family. None of my friends and I ever spoke about it. 

It's like when I was reading a post from "officeripley" and I read the following line "*Maybe because we kids from the disfunctional homes gravitated toward each other." *that I remembered us talking in class about how co-dependent people seek out other co-dependents, especially for the purpose of being married. I found that to be so melancholy.


----------



## Shalimar (Oct 24, 2020)

It is only natural to attempt to find a rational, linear explanation for such abuse. It soothes the mind, removes some of the horror around often inexplicable cruelty. Sadly, in most cases,  it falls short. Abuse is  about power, rage, victimisation, ridicule,  sadism, rape, gaslighting, cruelty in all 

its forms, even murder. It is raw, pathological, and primal. Not intellectual.  Once you have been face to  face with pure evil, analysis is not enough. It may help one to recognise a pattern, but I believe empathy provides many of the missing pieces.


----------



## StarSong (Oct 24, 2020)

oldman said:


> It's like when I was reading a post from "officeripley" and I read the following line "*Maybe because we kids from the disfunctional homes gravitated toward each other." *that I remembered us talking in class about how co-dependent people seek out other co-dependents, especially for the purpose of being married. I found that to be so melancholy.


So many kids came from dysfunctional homes that it was hard to not have friends among that group.  As I learned in my 50s, my closest childhood friends were from both good and terrible homes.

My friends loved hanging out at my house. Most people have no idea what's going on behind closed doors.

I married someone from a_ Leave It To Beaver_ type household.  Stable, genuine, what-you-see-is-what-it-is type of thing.  For the first several years I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the love and affection to be withdrawn over a disagreement or unintentional misstep.  Never happened.  
I had to confide in my in-laws about my upbringing so if they were babysitting when we were out of town they would keep our children safe from my father.  My mother-in-law wept along with me as I explained it to them.


----------



## Aneeda72 (Oct 24, 2020)

oldman said:


> I too, have been wondering the same thing. If anyone of my friends were being mistreated, I never knew about it back then and actually, I never gave it any thought. The closest thing I came to anyone near me was a friend who told me that his family did not celebrate Christmas because of their religion. I asked my mom what religion does that. She told me the only religion that she knew of that did not celebrate Christmas was no religion. I felt bad for my friend, so I bought him a gift when we were seniors and he wouldn't take it. He only asked me if I was trying to get him killed if he took it home. I kind of shrugged it off and went about my business. I just never understood anything about kids being beaten, raped or treated so atrociously by their own family members. I knew that kids were being kidnapped and mistreated by unknown strangers, but not by family members.
> 
> When I was in college, I had to fill in my schedule with other subjects that were non related to what my life's ambition was at the time. I took a course in Psych I. I guess it was during the second semester when the professor started talking about issues such as, dysfunctionality and people who were co-dependent. I remember looking back and how I thought so much of this stuff was just made up by the text book author to fill the pages when in fact, several years later, I was able to relate to these types of behaviors when I heard about missing and exploited children. It was almost like an epiphany. I had never been exposed to children being beaten or raped. It wasn't even a topic of conversation in our family. None of my friends and I ever spoke about it.
> 
> It's like when I was reading a post from "officeripley" and I read the following line "*Maybe because we kids from the disfunctional homes gravitated toward each other." *that I remembered us talking in class about how co-dependent people seek out other co-dependents, especially for the purpose of being married. I found that to be so melancholy.


Yes, I have come to understand, far too late, that your last paragraph is far too true.  I was in therapy was a few sessions.  I have large chunks of memories of my childhood missing and therapists wanted to find those chunks, explore those chunks.  I did not, still don”t.

The horrors I remember are enough for me.

Anyway, I asked a question.  Although, my second marriage is a picnic compared to my first, I always had “user” friends.  I asked one therapist why I had such poor people judgements.  She responded “people choose what they are used too.”  

I was used to abusive people.  I had been abused my whole life.  “People choose what they are used too.”  It resounded in my mind.  What the?  It was a shattering insight.  Similar to the old saying, “you made your bed, now lie in it.”  

I have always taken responsibility for my decisions and my actions.  But to learn I had made my self a repeat victim was shattering.  I thought about it, long and hard.  Humans can change, it’s hard, but they can change.  I had raised my children not to be victims.  I could teach myself not to be a victim.

My daughter remarked, a couple of decades ago, “Mom, you’ve changed”, after witnessing a disagreement between her dad and me.  Yup, I used to be a doormat, a yes man, I’ve changed.  I learned to “stand my ground”.  I am still learning.  The transition is hard on both of us.

I think the co-depend theory is true for some as well, but not me.  I, apparently, unconsciously, chose who I used to be.  Then I chose different.


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## 911 (Oct 24, 2020)

Shalimar said:


> It is only natural to attempt to find a rational, linear explanation for such abuse. It soothes the mind, removes some of the horror around often inexplicable cruelty. Sadly, in most cases,  it falls short. Abuse is  about power, rage, victimisation, ridicule,  sadism, rape, gaslighting, cruelty in all
> 
> its forms, even murder. It is raw, pathological, and primal. Not intellectual.  Once you have been face to  face with pure evil, analysis is not enough. It may help one to recognise a pattern, but I believe empathy provides many of the missing pieces.


Not long after I became an Investigator, I attended a workshop that centered on domestic violence. During the second and final day, we got into a discussion about children in a house with an abusive parent or parents. The moderator told us that parents generally will parent as they were raised. Chances are that abusive parents were abused themselves. This is the only way that they know how to parent.

On the way home, I considered this issue and I got to thinking if parents are grown adults, why didn’t they know better? They had to know that the abuse they suffered wasn’t the proper way to raise children, so why didn’t they change? I still haven’t gotten an acceptable answer to that question.


----------



## 911 (Oct 24, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Yes, I have come to understand, far too late, that your last paragraph is far too true.  I was in therapy was a few sessions.  I have large chunks of memories of my childhood missing and therapists wanted to find those chunks, explore those chunks.  I did not, still don”t.
> 
> The horrors I remember are enough for me.
> 
> ...


What are “user” friends?


----------



## 911 (Oct 24, 2020)

&


Shalimar said:


> It is only natural to attempt to find a rational, linear explanation for such abuse. It soothes the mind, removes some of the horror around often inexplicable cruelty. Sadly, in most cases,  it falls short. Abuse is  about power, rage, victimisation, ridicule,  sadism, rape, gaslighting, cruelty in all
> 
> its forms, even murder. It is raw, pathological, and primal. Not intellectual.  Once you have been face to  face with pure evil, analysis is not enough. It may help one to recognise a pattern, but I believe empathy provides many of the missing pieces.


If I remember correctly, you are a Psychologist. So I have often wondered about the question that I asked in my last post, which goes like: “If a parent was abused as a child, why don’t they recognize that as not the proper way to raise children and change the normal?” It’s hard for me to believe that a grown adult wouldn’t recognize his/her wrong doings and either make the change or get help to learn how how to make the change. Why must the situation continue to be repeated?


----------



## StarSong (Oct 24, 2020)

911 said:


> &
> 
> If I remember correctly, you are a Psychologist. So I have often wondered about the question that I asked in my last post, which goes like: “If a parent was abused as a child, why don’t they recognize that as not the proper way to raise children and change the normal?” It’s hard for me to believe that a grown adult wouldn’t recognize his/her wrong doings and either make the change or get help to learn how how to make the change. Why must the situation continue to be repeated?


Many of us do recognize it.  We go to therapy to learn healthy responses to child-raising frustrations so we don't beat, abuse or emotionally damage our own children.  

With ****** abuse, while it's true that most ****** abusers were themselves abused, it's also true that *most who were sexually abused do not repeat the behavior*. I never touched my children - or any child - in that way, nor was I ever tempted to do so.


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## needshave (Oct 24, 2020)

I guess you might say I work on and in the past. I have historical properties that I renovate back to the day, as well as I own antique vehicle that I restore. I love the architecture of the pasts (1800's) and the body styles and vehicles of the 1920's-1950's, But I use todays state of the art technology, equipment and tools to do it, so a bit of my own Twilight Zone.


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## Shalimar (Oct 24, 2020)

911 said:


> &
> 
> If I remember correctly, you are a Psychologist. So I have often wondered about the question that I asked in my last post, which goes like: “If a parent was abused as a child, why don’t they recognize that as not the proper way to raise children and change the normal?” It’s hard for me to believe that a grown adult wouldn’t recognize his/her wrong doings and either make the change or get help to learn how how to make the change. Why must the situation continue to be repeated?


Yes I am a Psychologist. Some of those abusive parents who were themselves  abused don’t know any other way to parent. They don’t see their behaviour as abnormal.


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## StarSong (Oct 24, 2020)

needshave said:


> I guess you might say I work on and in the past. I have historical properties that I renovate back to the day, as well as I own antique vehicle that I restore. I love the architecture of the pasts (1800's) and the body styles and vehicles of the 1920's-1950's, But I use todays state of the art technology, equipment and tools to do it, so a bit of my own Twilight Zone.


I think you posted this on the wrong thread.


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## needshave (Oct 24, 2020)

StarSong said:


> I think you posted this on the wrong thread.


I think you're right.....Thanks


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## Irwin (Oct 24, 2020)

Hopefully, some abused children today record their abusers and so they have proof of what's happening to them. Technology can be a good thing. Almost every day, it seems, we see some asshole being publicly shamed or even arrested. Not that long ago, he or she would have gotten away with it. In the past, the abused often questioned whether they were to blame for the abuse or even if it really happened. Or that maybe they were just being overly sensitive.

One thing is certain, though: there is a lot of evil in the world. It makes me sad to think of all the pets who are abused and suffer because they live with evil people who will probably never be punished. And just look at stories in the news about politicians who do so much harm with the support of voters who cheer on approvingly.

Bleh.


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## StarSong (Oct 24, 2020)

StarSong said:


> I think you posted this on the wrong thread.


We've all done it at one time or another.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 24, 2020)

911 said:


> &
> 
> If I remember correctly, you are a Psychologist. So I have often wondered about the question that I asked in my last post, which goes like: “If a parent was abused as a child, why don’t they recognize that as not the proper way to raise children and change the normal?” It’s hard for me to believe that a grown adult wouldn’t recognize his/her wrong doings and either make the change or get help to learn how how to make the change. Why must the situation continue to be repeated?


 Many abused children become foster parents, psychologists, doctors, social workers, police, etc.  Who better to understand an abused child than an adult who was an abused child?  The situation is often not repeated.  

I spanked my daughter once.  She remembers it, I remember it.  She laughed while I did it. Three slaps on her butt.  She thought it was funny then, she thinks it’s funny now.  I slapped the face of my son once in front of his teacher and some of his school friends.

He does not remember the incident.  There are some names you never call a woman, let alone your mother, and he used one of them.  My hand hitting his face surprised me.  I guess some things just happen.


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## Aneeda72 (Oct 24, 2020)

911 said:


> What are “user” friends?


Long story, short version.  Friends for 35 years, lived across the street from each other, watched our children grow up together etc.  I literately saved one of their daughters life.  (One of the few stellar moments of my life).  We moved.  They moved.

I gave them a key to my house.  They grew up in Utah and I knew they would want come back and visit family and friends.  Told them come anytime, even if we are on vacation, my house is your house.  Except, my house became their hotel room.  More complicated than that, of course.  The second year I got my key back and then changed the locks.


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## Phoenix (Oct 24, 2020)

Shalimar said:


> Again I weep, touched by the light of your words. It is my fervent hope, that in my brokenness I can serve as a small candle in the bleak darkness of my client’s pain. If I could  make it out of the pit, so can they. Even should we return there from time to time. Until they can believe again, I will hold their hope for them. I will also sit in the pit with them, share their suffering. We can weep together until they are ready to take my hand and begin to climb


It's admirable what you do.  They know that you know.  It helps immensely to be truly understood.  That kind of understanding is hard to come by.

When I was trying to climb out of my holes I saw it as being in the toilet with steep slippery sides.  I kept getting part way up, losing my grip and sliding back into the poop, breathing it in and swallowing it.  

When I worked for Childrens Services I saw lots of kids who were badly abused.  They needed so much help, and the state kept cutting the funds that would have helped them.  Two of my clients, a gal and her baby, were being abused by her husband.  She was hardly more than a teenager.  So one day on company time I picked her up at her house, bought her a bus ticket to BC with my own money where her parents were and helped her escape.  (I didn't have much money.  The job paid very little) Her mother contacted me and thanked me.  Her mom sent me the cost of the ticket.  I never asked her to do that.  Her parents had been so worried about her.  I never told anyone at Childrens Services what I had done.


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## Shalimar (Oct 24, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> It's admirable what you do.  They know that you know.  It helps immensely to be truly understood.  That kind of understanding is hard to come by.
> 
> When I was trying to climb out of my holes I saw it as being in the toilet with steep slippery sides.  I kept getting part way up, losing my grip and sliding back into the poop, breathing it in and swallowing it.
> 
> When I worked for Childrens Services I saw lots of kids who were badly abused.  They needed so much help, and the state kept cutting the funds that would have helped them.  Two of my clients, a gal and her baby, were being abused by her husband.  She was hardly more than a teenager.  So one day on company time I picked her up at her house, bought her a bus ticket to BC with my own money where her parents were and helped her escape.  (I didn't have much money.  The job paid very little) Her mother contacted me and thanked me.  Her mom sent me the cost of the ticket.  I never asked her to do that.  Her parents had been so worried about her.  I never told anyone at Childrens Services what I had done.


Thanks for your kind words. What you did for that mother and baby was the stuff of angels. Bless you


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## Phoenix (Oct 24, 2020)

Shalimar said:


> Thanks for your kind words. What you did for that mother and baby was the stuff of angels. Bless you


Thank you.  I could have lost my job.  But sometimes one has to do what's right, no matter the personal cost.


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## Damaged Goods (Oct 24, 2020)

The good old days can't hurt me.  I was healthier, more care free, and the first death in the immediate family (maternal grandfather) didn't occur until I was in my 30s.

Damn straight I love the good old days


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## Ruthanne (Oct 25, 2020)

I love the good old days when I was a child with the holidays and they were very very nice because we had a big family and celebrated everything all the time.

But times change and we have to roll with the times I guess and we can never go back to the times of old
 except in our memories and in our memories they live there forever.

So we make new memories and hopefully they will be memorable too.


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## Ruthanne (Oct 25, 2020)

Shalimar said:


> Sometimes leaving home after finishing school does not preclude carrying the past with you. Childhood trauma will do that. Often, all the adult accomplishments, travelling etc simply aren’t enough to wash the pain away. For some, even therapy can have limited success.


And that's why a person has to treasure all the resources that they can find outside of therapy.  There are many of them if people just look and find them. And of course many of these resources are within ourselves if we just look.


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## Mr. Ed (Oct 25, 2020)

I don't yearn for days gone past, however, memories of the past are looked upon favorably. My family moved often due to father's profession for that I am grateful to experience different communities and new friends.


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## Mr. Ed (Oct 25, 2020)

fmdog44 said:


> It was "acceptable" under certain circumstances to hit your spouse and kids. Police and governments in general went unchecked. The number of schools in the country was grossly under what it should have been. Bigotry was alive and flourishing. A woman's right to not be sexually harrassed at work was non-existent. The foods in supermarkets went largely unregulated for safety. Truth in labeling for medicines and food went unchecked.
> A workers right to appeal company's decision to terminate for no reason did not exist. Unions were corrupt. Chemical pollution of water bodies was not monitored. Littering was everywhere. Quality in American products was a joke. I'm sure I left some things out about life back when but it should be enough to make one rethink living 50-70 years ago was better than today.


But it was the good ole days, what else is there to say. Ignorance is bliss to the child with hopes and aspirations of becoming an adult.


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## Mr. Ed (Oct 25, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> As my dad always said, there were no good old days.  But there are people I miss.


Your dad was a wise man


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## Phoenix (Oct 25, 2020)

Mr. Ed said:


> Your dad was a wise man


Yes, he was.  Dad was from a family of loggers.  When Dad was 15 the donkey, a big machine that pulled over the huge trees, pulled one over onto his father and killed him.  It was Oct. 1929.  Dad had to quit school to support his mother.  There were no jobs for women here on the west coast where he lived.  The family was dirt poor - which meant they lived in a house with a dirt floor.  Dad had rheumatic fever that damaged his heart when he was very young.  There were a lot of things that happened that were hard to deal with.  There were no doctors.  So anyone who thinks it was better back when....


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## 911 (Oct 25, 2020)

Phoenix said:


> Yes, he was.  Dad was from a family of loggers.  When Dad was 15 the donkey, a big machine that pulled over the huge trees, pulled one over onto his father and killed him.  It was Oct. 1929.  Dad had to quit school to support his mother.  There were no jobs for women here on the west coast where he lived.  The family was dirt poor - which meant they lived in a house with a dirt floor.  Dad had rheumatic fever that damaged his heart when he was very young.  There were a lot of things that happened that were hard to deal with.  There were no doctors.  So anyone who thinks it was better back when....


We had a Trooper of 33 y/o and was just standing and talking with another Trooper before going on patrol. Suddenly, he stopped talking and his eyes got real big and he fell over dead. The Coroner initially ruled a heart attack, but because he was so young, an autopsy was performed and they found that the walls of his heart were heavily scarred and the heart had become enlarged. After doing a family investigation, the Coroner found that the Trooper had rheumatic fever as a child. It happened just that quick. It was quite a shock to all of us.


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## Pinky (Oct 25, 2020)

911 said:


> We had a Trooper of 33 y/o and was just standing and talking with another Trooper before going on patrol. Suddenly, he stopped talking and his eyes got real big and he fell over dead. The Coroner initially ruled a heart attack, but because he was so young, an autopsy was performed and they found that the walls of his heart were heavily scarred and the heart had become enlarged. After doing a family investigation, the Coroner found that the Trooper had rheumatic fever as a child. It happened just that quick. It was quite a shock to all of us.


My brother-in-law died the same way .. just dropped dead after shopping at Costco, while they were putting groceries in the car trunk.

He was in his 70's and had heart bypass surgery .. was in cardiac ward for a long time. He suddenly felt cold, and just dropped. Doctor said he was probably gone before he even hit the ground .. it was that quick.


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## Phoenix (Oct 25, 2020)

911 said:


> We had a Trooper of 33 y/o and was just standing and talking with another Trooper before going on patrol. Suddenly, he stopped talking and his eyes got real big and he fell over dead. The Coroner initially ruled a heart attack, but because he was so young, an autopsy was performed and they found that the walls of his heart were heavily scarred and the heart had become enlarged. After doing a family investigation, the Coroner found that the Trooper had rheumatic fever as a child. It happened just that quick. It was quite a shock to all of us.


That is a terrible shock.  It is/was a horrible disease.  My dad was from a family where even the guys lived to be in their upper 80s and 90s.  Dad died two weeks short of 70.  My sister had rheumatic fever when she was a kid.  She said it was the only time when she was thin.  She nearly died at that time.  She lived to be 64 and died from cancer.  They could not give her the treatment that would work best because it would further damage her heart.

Pinky, I'm sorry about your brother-in-law.


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## oldman (Oct 25, 2020)

I have read several sad stories throughout this thread. I appreciate those of you that have shared your stories, but at the same time, I am also glad that I don’t have any sad stories to share. It must have been terrible for you to have to endure the emotional and physical pain.

Now, I will always wonder if any of the many kids that I hung around with while growing up had also suffered any abuse. As a kid, I never paid attention to anything like that. I wasn’t even aware of any of my friend’s parents being drinkers, let alone an abuser. If there were, they did a great job of hiding it.


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## Pepper (Oct 25, 2020)

I never knew of this stuff until I was in college.  Then I met kids my age whose parents were alcoholic and/or were cruel to them in some way.  I guess I was blissfully sheltered.


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## Phoenix (Oct 25, 2020)

Ruthanne said:


> I love the good old days when I was a child with the holidays and they were very very nice because we had a big family and celebrated everything all the time.
> 
> But times change and we have to roll with the times I guess and we can never go back to the times of old
> except in our memories and in our memories they live there forever.
> ...


With my mom, her memories of some of the good things in her past did not live forever.  She would look at a picture of when she and her brother went to Hawaii, something Dad was never willing to do because he feared flying.  So after he died, her brother Leo went with her.  As she looked up at the picture, she said, "I know we went.  There's the picture, but I don't remember any of it."  It was sad.  As we age, due to illness and medication, we often lose some of ourselves and the memories go away.


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