# My companion prioritizes her friends over me...



## Domichou (Jan 27, 2019)

I am 58 years old, single (divorced) and quite happy with my life. For several years, I have been seeing a lady. I love her and she said that she loves me. Yet, she spends too much time with her friends during the week-end, which truly annoys me. Please note that I am note a jealous man, who try to isolate his companion. I don't want to make her feel bad for spending time with friends. Yet, if she loves me as she claims, I think shat she should spend as much time as possible with me. When we are together she seems to be happy. 

To recap, I do not like the fact that she says that she loves me but do not want to spend more time with me. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she did not say anything and was not too happy. I have not seen her two week-ends in a row because she was busy entertaining a friend visiting our town. I am considering not to see her again and move on with my life despite the fact that I really like her. What would you do in this situation? Thanks for your input. John


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## Aunt Bea (Jan 27, 2019)

I don't mean to sound cold or blunt but I think that it's time to propose or move on.

Good luck and welcome to SF!


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## Keesha (Jan 27, 2019)

I’m with Aunt Bea. 
If she is giving you the silent treatment I’d say there’s something up?
This is either the end or a new beginning.


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## RadishRose (Jan 27, 2019)

Oh dear. Well since you asked, dump her!


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## moviequeen1 (Jan 27, 2019)

John,your situation sounds like a 'red flag' warning to me
if she continues to see her friends and not spending quality time with you,let her go and move on Sue


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## Pinky (Jan 29, 2019)

If I were in love, I would want to spend as much time as I could, with my man. I hope
this tells you what you need to hear.


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## ClassicRockr (Jan 29, 2019)

Two words...…...move on! 

My wife and I had so much in common that we couldn't wait to see each other on the weekends. Heck, when she went on a cruise with her two sisters, she called me from the ship while on the water and I called her at the motel they stayed at after the cruise. When she got back from the cruise, I moved in with her and her mom. A year later, we were married. During that entire year, before our marriage, she was wearing an engagement ring and loved it. 

Been together almost 19 years now and still say "I love you" each morning before she goes to work and again before we go to sleep. 

That is the kind of relationship YOU want!


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## C'est Moi (Jan 29, 2019)

Aunt Bea said:


> I don't mean to sound cold or blunt but I think that it's time to propose or move on.
> 
> Good luck and welcome to SF!



Agree.   OP, you say you have "been together for years", so maybe the bloom is off the rose.   Also, if she was entertaining friends from out of town, seems like you should be a bit more understanding.   Why weren't you included in the activities with the friends?   

Relationships need nurturing; have you been doing your part to keep the romance alive or just sulking because she's wanting to be around other people?


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## Falcon (Jan 29, 2019)

You  DO  need  help.  You're  asking  relative  strangers  for  advice  regarding your  lovelife !


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## Linda (Jan 29, 2019)

Your lady friend needs a man who has a lot of buddies he likes to spend week ends with them.  Fishing, watching ballgames, working on cars, going to car races, or whatever.  I know a couple like that and they get along fine.  It wouldn't be for me, but it works for some couples.  You need to get a gal who wants to spend time with YOU on the week ends.  I don't think proposing would help, I'd guess she'd still want to hang out with her pals.  I don't believe marriage changes people.


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## ClassicRockr (Jan 30, 2019)

Linda said:


> Your lady friend needs a man who has a lot of buddies he likes to spend week ends with them.  Fishing, watching ballgames, working on cars, going to car races, or whatever.  I know a couple like that and they get along fine.  It wouldn't be for me, but it works for some couples.  You need to get a gal who wants to spend time with YOU on the week ends.  I don't think proposing would help, I'd guess she'd still want to hang out with her pals.  I don't believe marriage changes people.



Can be VERY true!


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## Ronni (Jan 30, 2019)

Falcon said:


> You  DO  need  help.  You're  asking  relative  strangers  for  advice  regarding your  lovelife !



I don't think this is fair.  Objective opinions, completely without bias, are often hugely helpful in gaining insight into a personal situation, offering views and perspectives that are difficult or impossible to obtain personally or from friends.  

John, I am somewhat like your lady friend.  I have a very full social life with a lot of friends, family and extended family I interact with.  I am also engaged to a wonderful man who doesn't have as full a social life as I do, though we are similarly focused on family.  Therefore I have more demands on my time outside of work than he does.  This is something we talked bout early on in the relationship, this disparity in our time outside of work.  While I wanted to spend a lot of time with him, I also wasn't prepared to give up all my friends so that we could spend all our time together.  He had NO interest in me doing that for him, realizing that it would just ultimately lead to resentment.  However, once we became serious and even before we decided to get married, I included him in the many social functions that I felt I needed to attend, or wanted to attend.   Of course this only worked because *I* was willing to include him, and *he* was willing to come. He has enjoyed tremendously the upswing in his social life as a result, and I've really enjoyed having a companion to go to all these things with.  

I made the transition from a "ME" perspective to an "US" one over time.  It was kinda weird at first because I've been single for close to 20 years.  Weird for him too because he's been single for a bit longer than me.  But operating in our lives as a couple, rather than two people each operating singly has allowed us to spend the majority of our time outside of work together, and been a lot of fun!!!  We still do some things separately and that won't change even after I move in. I think it's healthy to have a balance of mutual and divergent interests and activities.

Perhaps you need to suggest to your lady friend that this becomes the next step in your relationship, operating as a couple rather than separately.


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## fmdog44 (Jan 30, 2019)

I would not mind here doing what she want as long as it cuts both ways. Seeing someone 5 of 7 days should be enough. Her idea of love is different than yours.  Bottom line choose what makes you happier, part time or no time.


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## Butterfly (Jan 30, 2019)

I, for one, think it is healthy for both partners to maintain a circle of friends of their own and spend some time with them, otherwise your world becomes very small; but I think it is important to balance time with friends and time with partner.


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## Gary O' (Jan 31, 2019)

Dear Abby


Domichou said:


> I am 58 years old, single (divorced) and quite happy with my life. For several years, I have been seeing a lady. I love her and she said that she loves me. Yet, she spends too much time with her friends during the week-end, which truly annoys me. Please note that I am note a jealous man, who try to isolate his companion. I don't want to make her feel bad for spending time with friends. Yet, if she loves me as she claims, I think shat she should spend as much time as possible with me. When we are together she seems to be happy.
> 
> To recap, I do not like the fact that she says that she loves me but do not want to spend more time with me. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she did not say anything and was not too happy. I have not seen her two week-ends in a row because she was busy entertaining a friend visiting our town. I am considering not to see her again and move on with my life despite the fact that I really like her. What would you do in this situation? Thanks for your input. John



'Dear John'

'nough said


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## Domichou (Jan 31, 2019)

Falcon said:


> You  DO  need  help.  You're  asking  relative  strangers  for  advice  regarding your  lovelife !



You are without any doubts the one who deserves help for posting nasty comments without even trying to understand my post.


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## DaveA (Jan 31, 2019)

Ronni -You offer many good points in your various posts but in this instance, I somewhat disagree.

"Objective opinions, completely without bias, are often hugely helpful in gaining insight into a personal situation, offering views and perspectives that are difficult or impossible to obtain personally or from friends."

You are correct that objective opinions are helpful but I read post after post, describing how a wife, children, and/or a husband,are the source of all of the family problems.  If we don't hear their viewpoint, from their mouths (or posts)  how can we honestly make a good judgement.  Do you think that any of the above mentioned would describe their actions as described by the partner who is asking for advice?

We can all offer advice, if we so choose, and there's no harm in it, but it is not "truly objective" unless we hear from both of the folks involved and of course that never happens unless they both post on the same. forum.


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## fuzzybuddy (Feb 3, 2019)

I do have a question for you, Domichou. If this woman, who professes to be in love with you, is seeing friends without including you; *why?*


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## Domichou (Feb 20, 2019)

Thanks a lot all of you for your support and input. I well know it is a “little pathetic” to share this kind of personal relations on a forum but one cannot be a “superman” all the time. If you are interested here are the recent developments. I told her it was “cruel” to claim she loved me and stay one month with no contact. She said I did not call her either; It is true, but she told me before that she would be busy entertaining a friend for the next two weekends. To make along story short, she added that she loved me because we had done and been through a lot together, she gave me her friendship. She realizes that what she has given is all she can give, and it does not seem to be enough for me. I answered that I was expressing my feeling and my frustration regarding the incoherence between what she claimed (to love me) and the way she treats me. She replied that it was best if we go our separate ways because it was not working out for both of us and that she loved me only as a friend and had never promised more than that. I ended the conversation telling her she had chosen her friends over me, I respected her decision to dumb me, will miss all the great time we had together and wished her good luck for the rest of her life. End of the story. I am left alone, upset, discouraged and sad. But, c’est la vie!


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## RadishRose (Feb 20, 2019)

Sorry you're so sad. I hope it passes soon. Meanwhile stay close to friends and family if you can.


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## Domichou (Feb 20, 2019)

Thanks. No family, two or 3 friends. She was my main relation despite my frustration not to spend more time together. Will try to move on. It is only the second day since we "broke up"...


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## hollydolly (Feb 20, 2019)

Domichou, don't be discouraged or sad.. You might want to go and cheer yourself up and join a 'dating site ''.. like Buzz50 ...lots of single people on there looking for  a 'friend''


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## Colleen (Feb 28, 2019)

Domichou said:


> Thanks a lot all of you for your support and input. I well know it is a “little pathetic” to share this kind of personal relations on a forum but one cannot be a “superman” all the time. If you are interested here are the recent developments. I told her it was “cruel” to claim she loved me and stay one month with no contact. She said I did not call her either; It is true, but she told me before that she would be busy entertaining a friend for the next two weekends. To make along story short, she added that she loved me because we had done and been through a lot together, she gave me her friendship. She realizes that what she has given is all she can give, and it does not seem to be enough for me. I answered that I was expressing my feeling and my frustration regarding the incoherence between what she claimed (to love me) and the way she treats me. She replied that it was best if we go our separate ways because it was not working out for both of us and that she loved me only as a friend and had never promised more than that. I ended the conversation telling her she had chosen her friends over me, I respected her decision to dumb me, will miss all the great time we had together and wished her good luck for the rest of her life. End of the story. I am left alone, upset, discouraged and sad. But, c’est la vie!



I wish you well and hope you find someone that will be a true companion to you and you'll share your interests together.

I understand your sadness and feelings of rejection. I've been through it many times in my 72 years and after 21 years of marriage, I find myself in the same situation again. 

Believe me, I know what it's like to take a backseat to other people that are more important to your partner/husband/wife. When my husband and I met in 1975, he was unhappily married and had 3 small children. We lived a few hundred miles away from each other so we only saw each other maybe once a month. I didn't have a very good relationship with my parents, who I lived with, so when he asked me to move to his state, I jumped at the opportunity. I was fortunate enough to land a very good job and we lived together. He worked out of state all week and was only home on short weekends. The problem was his 3 kids. We were nothing but babysitters every weekend so his ex could go out and get drunk and then call him to come rescue her from whatever she had gotten herself into...and he did. After almost 3 years of this, I moved out and that was that. His ex took the kids to CA (where her family was) and he soon followed. I didn't see him or have contact with him until 1997. His kids were grown, we got married, and had a somewhat happy life for the next 12/13 years. We settled in PA, where he had other family and I had family in MI. His kids came from CA at least 2x a year, usually at Christmas or during the summer. They went home and we had friends and activities and I was very happy there.

Then in 2012, he had an accident that shattered his left ankle. Lots of surgeries and infections and antibiotics and stomach problems later, he decided we were moving to Arizona because he couldn't stand the winters any more. I didn't want to sell my house, but we did and we've been in AZ ever since. Then 2 of his 3 kids moved here from CA "to be close to their dad". Now, it's back to the same thing as when they were children. They're here every Sunday, I cook, they leave. Do they spend time with their dad other than that? No. It is so different here. I don't have any friends. We live out in the middle of nowhere. He goes and does what he wants, which is trapshooting mostly, and I'm stuck here every day. 

My point is.....he cares about his "kids" (they are 45 & 49!!) more than he cares about me. Last year, I asked him if we could go back "home" to PA. He told me to go ahead and go. Financially, I can't afford to leave. So we're still babysitting every weekend.

Be glad you're done with her. I'm married to a very selfish man that has always had his way on everything and everyone else has always come first. You deserve better treatment.


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## WhatInThe (Mar 1, 2019)

Move on or accept she wants you only to be 'part' of her life. Literally and figuratively.

Sometimes just having a close friend or companion is nothing but a box to be checked off to say they have one, not necessarily want a companion. She can talk about her companion to her married friends. Alot of men just want a women on their arm out in public. They don't care about marriage etc just want someone on their arm for appearances sake.


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## Catlady (Mar 12, 2019)

C'est Moi said:


> Why weren't you included in the activities with the friends?



That was my first thought, and it's a very big RED FLAG.  It sounds like she prefers the company of her friends.  If she's treating him like that so that he'll finally propose, why doesn't she tell him how she feels?  I think that marriage is not important when you don't want children, but some people want that commitment.  Tell her how you feel, talk it out, and if she won't discuss it or change her attitude, go and find someone more suitable to your expectations.

P.S.  I just read the rest of the thread, sorry it ended, but obviously she was not willing to give you more than she already was and you wanted more.  You can't change people, so hopefully you will meet someone who makes you her priority (but not her whole life, for balance).


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## Falcon (Mar 12, 2019)

Domichou said:


> You are without any doubts the one who deserves help for posting nasty comments without even trying to understand my post.



Well,  I checked  your  profile.  Nothing  on it.


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## Catlady (Mar 12, 2019)

Falcon said:


> Well,  I checked  your  profile.  Nothing  on it.



Falcon, he's a new poster.  I was here for many months before I filled out my profile.  Let's try to be helpful here, he was just asking for opinions about his relationship.  I for one am glad it ended, now he'll be able to find someone who will be willing to be a 50/50 couple.  Good luck, Domichou!


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## Linda (Mar 13, 2019)

How are you doing now Domichou?


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