# A bit of a quandry



## Fern (Mar 9, 2014)

Do I set a few rules when family, 2 adults, 2 g/kids,  come to stay or do I like always, say nothing?. 
I have always believed that when you stay with someone you fit in ,you don't just do your own thing. I'm referring mainly to meal times, we have always had breakfast together but the g/kids sleep late, a common occurence,  consequently breakfast can last up till lunchtime, then there's the kids playing with cell phones while eating, that really bugs me, but when something is said it goes in one ear and out the other.
By the time they are ready to go back home I always feel as though a tornado has come through the place.
Their mother doesn't like to upset her kids, 17 & 13 years old, so she lets them virtually please themselves.
 How would others handle this.  Should I say something by setting a few rules and risk getting offside with the mother, or grin and bear it like always.  
They don't come to stay very often, they live some hours away.


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## That Guy (Mar 9, 2014)

Set the rules, of course.  Stand your ground and be strong.  If they don't like it . . . so sorry and see ya next time...  (All done with love and a smile)


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 9, 2014)

My older sister visited me with my grandnephews, they rarely come as they live in another state completely.  The kids were 7 and 9.  They were completely in control of what they were going to eat, regardless of what I had prepared, say for breakfast.  One wanted this, the other wanted that, and my sister ran around like a chicken without a head trying to please them.

They also each had a digital game player, which they played with at the table all the time, despite my sister's requests for them to eat and put them down.  My house was upside down when they left, they were out of control and worked as a team.  They even went into my bedroom walk-in closet, and started looking through boxes on the floor, etc.  I was constantly getting short with them, and giving them orders to calm down, don't do that, don't kick each other, don't fight at the top of the stairs, etc.

I specifically told them in the beginning that my dog had a bad back, and they needed to be gentle with him.  Within the first hour, one of them was behind the dog pushing down on his back as he was trying to walk away.  Since they don't come over much, and haven't come over since, I would grit my teeth and bear it.

Honestly, you can't change every day behaviors when they come to visit you.  You can't make rules, when there are no rules to follow in their home.  If you attempt to make any rules, I guarantee that they won't be honored, and you probably will upset the mother.  You'll be even more frustrated, because on top of the tornado coming through, you'll also have to live with having tried to set limits and failed.

Take some deep breaths and grin and bear it is my advice.


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## That Guy (Mar 9, 2014)

I disagree with grinning and bearing it.  Doesn't have to be an all out battle but, a guest should follow the routine of the house.  I won't stand for bratty kids.  No way.  No how!


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## Warrigal (Mar 9, 2014)

I would speak up at the beginning of the visit.

I would start by saying that "I'm getting old now and I have difficulty coping with some things now that didn't bother me when I was younger." Then I would spell out a few things that you would like them to observe while they stay with you. Finish by asking then if they think they can accommodate your request for those considerations. Keep the list short and remind them gently if they are not complying. For example, "Do you remember our discussion earlier when I asked you to ... or not to ... ?

When all else fails, say that you have a headache and need some quite time then send them outside for at least an hour.
How could their parents object to such a reasonable request for consideration?


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## Gael (Mar 10, 2014)

Fern said:


> Do I set a few rules when family, 2 adults, 2 g/kids,  come to stay or do I like always, say nothing?.
> I have always believed that when you stay with someone you fit in ,you don't just do your own thing. I'm referring mainly to meal times, we have always had breakfast together but the g/kids sleep late, a common occurence,  consequently breakfast can last up till lunchtime, then there's the kids playing with cell phones while eating, that really bugs me, but when something is said it goes in one ear and out the other.
> By the time they are ready to go back home I always feel as though a tornado has come through the place.
> Their mother doesn't like to upset her kids, 17 & 13 years old, so she lets them virtually please themselves.
> ...



Rule of thumb: Your house, your rules.

If they are enjoying your hospitality then they are obliged to not act like it's a B&B. Well, even a B&B has set times for breakfast.:what:

Seriously, those kids are the way they are thanks to permissive parenting. You aren't obligated to add to it. It actually would be beneficial for them to learn some sense of boundaries for a change. 

I blame the parents for these scenarios. Kids can be taught from an early age and if you let them rule the roost then it's your own fault.


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## Vivjen (Mar 10, 2014)

I mention house rules when anybody comes to stay!
only a couple; just important to me.

I don't do breakfast, so that is help yourself.

No phones at dinner time...enough for me.


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## Happyflowerlady (Mar 10, 2014)

I can understand the frustration here, and can also see both sides of the discussion. I think what you do depends on several things. 
It IS your house, and you DO have the right to set whatever house rules that you want in your home. However; if the kids are undisciplined teenagers, and used to doing as they please, they are not apt to change into respectful behavior, and follow the rules, like SeaBreeze pointed out.
If you object about the children's behavior to the parents, and try to enforce the house rules, then they may just decide to leave; so it is important to decide how much you are willing to put up with to have them visit you, as well as how long they are staying at your house. Also, it sounds like the parents are not going to be much help with keeping the children in line.

If they are only going to visit for a few days; and the visit is important to you; then it might be worth just putting up with the behavior. If they are staying more then a few days, then I think you need to decide what house rules are the most important, and nicely explain those rules, maybe over dinner that night, after the arrival has settled down. 
Since the parents don't control the kids' behavior, then you should expect to have to enforce the house rules yourself. Hopefully, they will listen to you better than they do to their parents.


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## Bee (Mar 10, 2014)

If it was my family and didn't come to stay very often and live some hours away then I would just put up with it because I would be only too pleased to see them and have them stay.................................if they lived permanently with me then that would be another matter.


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## Gael (Mar 10, 2014)

I think the obvious question here for you Fern is are you willing to compromise your own needs in order to accomodate the behaviour being shown.

I made my thoughts very clear but ultimately it's your call and only you can decide if it's worth it.

I think it's a disservice to children to indulge inconsiderate behaviour and it's what leads to it in the first place. But that's just me.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Mar 10, 2014)

Make up a basket for phones and place it at your dining room entrance....


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## Pam (Mar 10, 2014)

Bee said:


> If it was my family and didn't come to stay very often and live some hours away then I would just put up with it because I would be only too pleased to see them and have them stay.................................if they lived permanently with me then that would be another matter.



I'm with you on this. Normal routine goes out the window for short visits. Long term would be different.

As an aside, I can remember sleeping late when I was a teenager and my sons doing the same. Some things never change.


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## SifuPhil (Mar 10, 2014)

I spent too many years running martial arts schools where there is a definite protocol observed to let my home be any different, kids or no.

I agree with the others here that say that although you might not change their behavior permanently by demanding they behave, you're doing them a favor by exposing them to what the REAL world will expect of them in a very short while. You don't let a wild animal out into public and expect it to get along - you expect it to run into all sorts of troubles.

I also agree with JS that the problem lies with the parents, and since they aren't willing to do anything it's up to you (unfortunately). Kids NEED to know there are boundaries, and you may be the first to teach them. They always challenge authority, always test it, and the more people give in the more they're going to attempt to get away with.

Just my own opinion, from a father of two ...


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## Gael (Mar 10, 2014)

SifuPhil said:


> I spent too many years running martial arts schools where there is a definite protocol observed to let my home be any different, kids or no.
> 
> I agree with the others here that say that although you might not change their behavior permanently by demanding they behave, you're doing them a favor by exposing them to what the REAL world will expect of them in a very short while. You don't let a wild animal out into public and expect it to get along - you expect it to run into all sorts of troubles.
> 
> ...



Well said!:thanks:


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## Jillaroo (Mar 10, 2014)

_I agree with just sayin, if they are in your home they follow your rules, no ifs or buts and show some respect to their elders._


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## Fern (Mar 10, 2014)

Thanks everyone for your replies, I guess I needed a bit of reassurance,  and that bugs me,  to follow through with what I have always believed  in and stuck by. Yes kids do need boundaries, I believe they are the  better for having them. Their mother knows our standards, she did make a  comment on them the last time they were here, but it's not what the  kids want.!! as has been said, they need to be taught what the real  world is about. 
There has been quite a lot of trouble over the years  with such a big difference in the parenting styles of the last 30 odd  years, so nowadays I tend to back away, I don't want any more rows.
   It's going to be a short visit, about 5 days, when it comes to behaviour at the table, I'll be standing my ground. 

Thanks everyone, much appreciated.


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## Vivjen (Mar 10, 2014)

Way to go Fern......stop the one that bugs you the most.....the rest will be easier to bear...


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## Fern (Mar 10, 2014)

Thanks Vivjen, I feel easier all ready.


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## Warrigal (Mar 10, 2014)

Fern said:


> Thanks everyone for your replies, I guess I needed a bit of reassurance,  and that bugs me,  to follow through with what I have always believed  in and stuck by. Yes kids do need boundaries, I believe they are the  better for having them. Their mother knows our standards, she did make a  comment on them the last time they were here, but it's not what the  kids want.!! as has been said, they need to be taught what the real  world is about.
> There has been quite a lot of trouble over the years  with such a big difference in the parenting styles of the last 30 odd  years, so nowadays I tend to back away, I don't want any more rows.
> It's going to be a short visit, about 5 days, when it comes to behaviour at the table, I'll be standing my ground.
> 
> Thanks everyone, much appreciated.


That's the shot. Pick the battle that you most want to win, then make sure that you win. 
Lesser issues are probably better ignored, at least for now.


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## Denise1952 (Mar 10, 2014)

Fern said:


> Do I set a few rules when family, 2 adults, 2 g/kids,  come to stay or do I like always, say nothing?.
> I have always believed that when you stay with someone you fit in ,you don't just do your own thing. I'm referring mainly to meal times, we have always had breakfast together but the g/kids sleep late, a common occurence,  consequently breakfast can last up till lunchtime, then there's the kids playing with cell phones while eating, that really bugs me, but when something is said it goes in one ear and out the other.
> By the time they are ready to go back home I always feel as though a tornado has come through the place.
> Their mother doesn't like to upset her kids, 17 & 13 years old, so she lets them virtually please themselves.
> ...



All I can think of is "to thine own self be true". I guess why that came to me is because what is acceptable for you and what is not?  In our family, no one was ever supposed to make any waves, never talk about anything serious.  Serious issues seemed to be swept under the rug.  This sounds like the usual at your house, it's always been that way, but you don't like it, but trying to change it might be even more horrible.  I mean horrible might be too strong a word, just yackin here.

I bet there are some folks on this forum that have put their foot down, after a long time of letting things go by.  I bet they can tell you if it is a good idea to do or not.  I'm looking forward to seeing some responses since I think this is not to far from what an average American family is like when they get together.  I know it's nothing like the Donna Reed Show.


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## SifuPhil (Mar 10, 2014)

I think there's going to be a different dynamic for everyone, so what works for one might not necessarily work for another. 

On general theory I suppose it would be good to draw the line, but there are also times to retreat and re-trench. As Warri said, you have to pick your battles. 

I grew up in a home that was pretty close to _The Donna Reed Show_, so I can't offer any experience from MY upbringing, but as I mentioned I have two boys that I helped raise and there's never been a problem where they didn't listen to me or their mother - they might have moaned and groaned and put up a fight but that's what being a parent is all about. 

We disciplined with love.


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## Gael (Mar 11, 2014)

Fern said:


> Thanks everyone for your replies, I guess I needed a bit of reassurance,  and that bugs me,  to follow through with what I have always believed  in and stuck by. Yes kids do need boundaries, I believe they are the  better for having them. Their mother knows our standards, she did make a  comment on them the last time they were here, but it's not what the  kids want.!! as has been said, they need to be taught what the real  world is about.
> There has been quite a lot of trouble over the years  with such a big difference in the parenting styles of the last 30 odd  years, so nowadays I tend to back away, I don't want any more rows.
> It's going to be a short visit, about 5 days, when it comes to behaviour at the table, I'll be standing my ground.
> 
> Thanks everyone, much appreciated.



That the mother made a comment and the kids didn't want it, says it all.
Obviously, you posting this issue showed that you were struggling with it and the feedback here seems to have given you the perspective you were searching for.

Sometimes even in the most outrageous situations, we say.."is it me"?


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## Fern (Mar 11, 2014)

When my kids were growing up they knew exactly where they stood when it came to having boundaries. If I had my time over again I would still have the same. 


> That the mother made a comment and the kids didn't want it, says it all.
> Obviously, you posting this issue showed that you were struggling with  it and the feedback here seems to have given you the perspective you  were searching for.
> 
> Sometimes even in the most outrageous situations, we say.."is it me"?


Yes I have been struggling with it , after having 'come out' of nervous depression & jaundice, (I was given the wrong tablet by my doctor,) it's taken it's toll and where I once had the energy to handle  & cope with lifes hassles, these days ,as has been said, I'll pick my battles 
It's important to me that there is a good standard of behaviour in the house or even out of it and I do know if things got too hectic I surely would have something to say, regardless.
The old saying, 'your home is your castle' stays true.


> Serious issues seemed to be swept under the rug.  This sounds like the  usual at your house, it's always been that way, but you don't like it,  but trying to change it might be even more horrible.


No, I have never been one for sweeping things under the carpet, if there was  an issue to be discussed it was, and to-day if it was serious enough, the same thing would apply.


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## Gael (Mar 11, 2014)

Fern said:


> When my kids were growing up they knew exactly where they stood when it came to having boundaries. If I had my time over again I would still have the same.
> 
> Yes I have been struggling with it , after having 'come out' of nervous depression & jaundice, (I was given the wrong tablet by my doctor,) it's taken it's toll and where I once had the energy to handle  & cope with lifes hassles, these days ,as has been said, I'll pick my battles
> It's important to me that there is a good standard of behaviour in the house or even out of it and I do know if things got too hectic I surely would have something to say, regardless.
> ...



Good for you, sounds like you're making your mind up. And considering the recent things you've been through, you certainly don't need any added stresses in your life.


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## Mirabilis (Mar 18, 2014)

My nephew loves me and he enjoys coming to see us but, my cave = my rules.  I can be flexible but there are certain things that are not allowed and he knows that.  Yes it bothers his mother when I say no but he still listens to me and he still begs to come visit.  Kids are always pushing boundaries and I think the consequence of raising kids with no manners is just that:  wherever you go, you will get a lecture on how to behave.  When in Rome...


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## Fern (Mar 18, 2014)

The biggest majority of kids are far happier and feel more secure when there are boundaries in place.


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## Vivjen (Mar 18, 2014)

Quite right Fern....and I say that with feeling; 3 days looking after my 2grandchildren (boys) aged 4 and 2 starting very early Thursday!


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## Gael (Mar 19, 2014)

Vivjen said:


> Quite right Fern....and I say that with feeling; 3 days looking after my 2grandchildren (boys) aged 4 and 2 starting very early Thursday!



Fresh from the battlefield!:shark:


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## Lynda (May 28, 2014)

Personally, I would set them up in a hotel/motel.  Surly teenagers can stay there if they don't want to be sociable.  You can share places.  Meet at the hotel pool sometimes, your house sometimes, or at venues you choose.  I just downsized simply because I don't want any "in-house" visitiors. It's easy for me to say, I don't have room.  I have "blow-up" mattresses they can put in the living or dining rooms, but no one wants to do that.  Jeez, I really am an old woman.  I just don't have the patience for the rudeness.  Why do people want to stay at your place?  Because it doesn't cost them anything.  If they really want to visit because they want to visit with you, let them stay in a hotel.  I've lived in Phoenix, Las Vegas, Houston, and now in Florida.  Many seemed to think I ran a B&B.  When I want to go somewhere, I stay in a hotel.  It's more fun for everyone that way.

This site is remarkable.  I am just letting it all hang out. WooHoo!


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## Kaya (May 28, 2014)

Your house...your rules. Stay firm.


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## LindaV (May 28, 2014)

When my and my younger sisters' kids were about 7 and 8 she would come visit and her kids were wild. They just about drove me crazy. She visited often. One time I almost got evicted from my apartment because of the noise. I told her the kids had to behave or she had to stay in a motel if she came to visit. I didn't see or hear from her for over a year. She called me one day asking for a visit. I said yes if the kids behaved. She said it was really the kids wanted to come, they missed my daughter. You know what? They not only came to visit but they were very well behaved, did what I said, and we all had a nice time. Pure luck or did the kids really want someone to tell them to sit down, be quiet, not run in the house, etc?


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## hollydolly (May 28, 2014)

Gael said:


> I think the obvious question here for you Fern is are you willing to compromise your own needs in order to accomodate the behaviour being shown.
> 
> I made my thoughts very clear but ultimately it's your call and only you can decide if it's worth it.
> 
> I think it's a disservice to children to indulge inconsiderate behaviour and it's what leads to it in the first place. But that's just me.



Not just you gael, I agree totally.

With respect all this nonsense about upsetting kids if you don't set rules and allowing them to behave badly because that's what they do in their own homes... is just that..absolute nonsense.

This is Ferns homes, she sets the rules on how visitors behave in her home. If these kids behaved like that at school or in any strangers home they'd soon be disciplined...so for them to take advantage because it's a relative..and more so the mother to allow them to be uncontrolled, is totally unacceptable in my view. 

Mamby pambying to children is the thin end of the wedge..if they can't follow rules and regulations to a degree and respect other peoples' homes and polite requests they will grow to be adults that do whatever they please despite the consequences.


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## hollydolly (May 28, 2014)

Lynda said:


> Personally, I would set them up in a hotel/motel.  Surly teenagers can stay there if they don't want to be sociable.  You can share places.  Meet at the hotel pool sometimes, your house sometimes, or at venues you choose.  I just downsized simply because I don't want any "in-house" visitiors. It's easy for me to say, I don't have room.  I have "blow-up" mattresses they can put in the living or dining rooms, but no one wants to do that.  Jeez, I really am an old woman.  I just don't have the patience for the rudeness.  Why do people want to stay at your place?  Because it doesn't cost them anything.  If they really want to visit because they want to visit with you, let them stay in a hotel.  I've lived in Phoenix, Las Vegas, Houston, and now in Florida.  Many seemed to think I ran a B&B.  When I want to go somewhere, I stay in a hotel.  It's more fun for everyone that way.
> 
> This site is remarkable.  I am just letting it all hang out. WooHoo!



lol good for you...


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## hollydolly (May 28, 2014)

Mrs. Robinson said:


> Make up a basket for phones and place it at your dining room entrance....



Ha ha...very good


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## i_am_Lois (May 29, 2014)

Mom is doing her children no favor by being so overly tolerant of their (poor) behavior.
What is she afraid of? Children need rules. They need to learn respect for others & their property.
If they don't learn these basic things now, they will grow up to become (in the eyes of others) self absorbed, crude, offensive individuals.
I am positive they have been exposed to some rules while in school. I'm sure they're not allowed to use their electronic toys.
So set a good example to your daughter, Fern. Show her that setting reasonable limits with children is actually being a good parent.


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## Lynda (May 29, 2014)

My personal belief is that kids want guidance.  The often act out when it is not in their lives.  I think you have hit the head on the nail.  Good for you!


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## JustBonee (May 29, 2014)

Like Lois and Lynda said, to show love for children, set some rules and stick to them!   Everyone benefits.


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