# Life after Emails.



## Diwundrin (Dec 14, 2013)

This may have done the rounds a few times but still raises a smile.


*As we progress into 2014   1  , I want to thank you all for your educational 
E-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little 
chance of recovery.*



*I can no longer open a bathroom door *without using a paper towel, 
Nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying 
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

*I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread *because I can only imagine 
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

*I have trouble shaking hands *with someone who has been driving 
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

*Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because* I can only 
imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.

*I can't touch any woman's handbag *for fear she has placed it on 
the floor of a public toilet.

*I must send my special thanks *for the email about rat poo in the glue on   

envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with 
every envelope that needs sealing.

*ALSO, *now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

*I can't have a drink in a bar* because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub 
full of ice with my kidneys gone.

*I can't eat at KFC *because their chickens are actually horrible mutant 
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

*I can't use cancer-causing deodorants *even though I smell like a 
water buffalo on a hot day.

*Thanks to you *I have learned that my prayers only get answered 
If I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

*Because of your concern , *I no longer drink Coca Cola because 
It can remove toilet stains.

*I no longer buy *fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, 
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

*I no longer use Cling Wrap *in the microwave because it causes 
seven different types of cancer.

*And thanks for letting me know *I can't boil a cup of water 
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring 
me for life.

*I no longer go to the cinema *because I could be pricked with a 
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

*I no longer go to shopping centers *because someone will drug 
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And *I no longer answer the phone because *someone will ask 
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to 
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and  Uzbekistan ..

*Thanks to you *I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a 
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant 
death when it bites my butt.

*And thanks to your great advice *I can't ever pick up a 
coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed 
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

*I can't do any gardening *because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the 
violin spider and my hand will fall off.

*If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in 
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land 
on your head at 5:00 tomorrow afternoon, and the 
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you 
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it 
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's 
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's 
beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from  Argentina , after a lengthy study, 
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity 
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because 
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..* 

*NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY*


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## JustBonee (Dec 14, 2013)

Just can't imagine all the things we will learn in the new year!!! ..


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## Pappy (Dec 14, 2013)

Good one Di.:clap:

Now just wrap yourself in a blanket, stay home and to hell with everything else.


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## Ozarkgal (Dec 14, 2013)

Good one Di..here are few things I learned that I really didn't want to:

I can't use aluminum foil anymore because it causes Alzheimer. (Learned this too late, I fear..now what were those other things?..oh yeah...)

I can't eat fish anymore because it is grown in cess pools in China. (I'll just have to brush my teeth with the toilet water tooth brush.)

I can't use Roundup anymore because it will cause my tits to fall off.( I now have to let my precious few cleared acres revert to deep, dark forest.)

I can't get out of my car in a parking lot to remove a flyer someone has placed on the windshield, because they will jump in my car with my purse and drive off. (Joke's on them..I need a new car and I never carry cash.)

I can't give a server in a restaurant my credit card to run the bill with, because they will steal the numbers. (Hope they have fun using up the last $7.00 that I have left before the limit is maxed out.)


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## Jillaroo (Dec 14, 2013)

_OMG it doesn't leave me much to do _:goodone::lofl::lofl:


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## Pappy (Dec 14, 2013)

I'm sure glad that I got the warning to not place plastic grocery bag over my head. Or on my hot plate which tells me do not place hand on burner could cause burns.

This one saved my life. Do not drink mouthwash as it could make you ill. :dunno:

I can't stop for any naked lady thumbing a ride as her boyfriend will jump out of the woods and shoot me between my eyes.

If they ever make Palmetto Bugs a protected species, I'm in trouble.  hwell:


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## drifter (Dec 14, 2013)

This never made it to my mail box so I haven't seen it. Mind if I borrow it from yours. I might use a few of those on my blog.


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## Diwundrin (Dec 14, 2013)

Ozarkgal said:


> Good one Di..here are few things I learned that I really didn't want to:
> 
> I can't use aluminum foil anymore because it causes Alzheimer. (Learned this too late, I fear..now what were those other things?..oh yeah...)
> 
> ...



:lofl:


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## babyboomer (Dec 14, 2013)

This kind of emails give me joy. As to nice friends I can't  say to go and "get fu***ed"


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