# Helpful People Melt Away



## debodun (Jul 16, 2020)

How is it when you're undergoing bereavement, illness or other tough time people often say "If there's anything you need or I can do for you, just call." Then when you do, they are full of excuses why they can't help?

I asked an acquaintance that question and she said it's because it's a knee-jerk response for the circumstances, like the first thing you ask a person you know and meet, or that phones you, "How are you?" when you really aren't that interested in their condition. People that say to let them know if you need help don't expect you will actually take them up on it. It's bad form.


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## 911 (Jul 16, 2020)

I heard George Carlin talk about this one time. He said he met an old friend on the street who asked him, “How are you doing?” George said he went into this long winded explanation of what was going on with him (all made up, of course) and soon the guy was looking at his watch.

When George was done talking, the guy says, “Sorry to hear that, but I have to run. Call me and we can talk about it.”

Some people really are sincere when they tell a person if there’s anything that you need, just call me, but like your friend said, most are just being patronizing.


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## Gaer (Jul 16, 2020)

A man told me that a few days after my husband died.  I took him up on it,  I said, "Actually, I have four railroad ties in the back of the pick up. I have to get them off the truck bed!  I can pull on them if you could help  push them out with your foot.  Could you please help me do that?"  
"Sure"
He jumped on the truck bed and pushed as I pulled them.  It only took a couple minutes.
He jumped off the truck.
I said, "Oh, You don't know how much that helps me.  I didn't know how I'd get them off by myself!  Thank you  so much!"
He held out the palm of his hand.  "Fifty bucks!"

911 is right.  Any sympathy is just being patronizing.


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## Aunt Marg (Jul 16, 2020)

I can't tell you how many times over the course of my lifetime that I have extended myself to others, and it's always been 100% genuine.

No excuses, no nothing, I mean what I say.


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## RadishRose (Jul 16, 2020)

Gaer said:


> A man told me that a few days after my husband died.  I took him up on it,  I said, "Actually, I have four railroad ties in the back of the pick up. I have to get them off the truck bed!  I can pull on them if you could help  push them out with your foot.  Could you please help me do that?"
> "Sure"
> He jumped on the truck bed and pushed as I pulled them.  It only took a couple minutes.
> He jumped off the truck.
> ...


I hope you said "bill me".


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## Gaer (Jul 16, 2020)

RadishRose said:


> I hope you said "bill me".


No, I was in intense grief at the time and wasn't functioning normally.  I paid him.  But, he lost my respect.


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## peramangkelder (Jul 16, 2020)

We have a 'thing' in Australia called RUOK? https://www.ruok.org.au/what-were-about
On 10th September 2020 you are supposed to contact people and ask RUOK?
I have found over the years few people are really interested unless there is something in it for them


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## Kadee (Jul 16, 2020)

A friend of mine told me this many years ago the older you get the more you realise  
how very true the statement is.

Ive been lucky having a couple of really close friends for years that I could rely on at a moments notice


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## Ceege (Jul 16, 2020)

I found that I got more genuine sympathy from strangers than from the people I know.  A lot of my friends fell to the wayside over the years when my husband was just too weak to do more than stay home.  I got sympathy cards from my daughter-in-law's relatives who live in other states.  I got one card from a friend who lives close by.

Business people I had to call to settle my husband's affairs always took time out at the end of the conversation to ask if I was o.k. and tell me they were sorry for my loss.  The folks at my bank were very nice also.  But those I would have listed as friends just weren't that interested anymore.  The old "fair weather friends" title really fits sometimes.

I was raised to be very responsible and independent.  That ended up getting me through this as well as I did.  I know I can count on my son and daughter-in-law, but I also know I can count on myself.  They say we can be our own worst enemy, sometimes.  But, we can also be our own best friend.


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## StarSong (Jul 17, 2020)

Gaer said:


> A man told me that a few days after my husband died.  I took him up on it,  I said, "Actually, I have four railroad ties in the back of the pick up. I have to get them off the truck bed!  I can pull on them if you could help  push them out with your foot.  Could you please help me do that?"
> "Sure"
> He jumped on the truck bed and pushed as I pulled them.  It only took a couple minutes.
> He jumped off the truck.
> ...


That's outrageous.  Hope you dropped this guy like a bad habit.  You need people like this in your life like you need the flu.  

Friends and family have been very supportive the few times I've been in need, but I was careful to not take advantage, nor to drone on and on about my misery. 

There's a difference between acquaintances who'll gladly lend a hand for a few minutes and close relationships that can weather greater need. Bottom line, everyone's got to paddle our own canoes. Once in a while you can reach over and lend someone an oar.


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## hollydolly (Jul 17, 2020)

I just want to say..when I offer help to anyone, it's a genuine offer, and I will go out of my way to help them until they start taking advantage. Too many people equate kindness with weakness sadly.

However, all that said, if any of you ever need my help in any way, I'll be only to pleased to do what I can.. 

@Gaer ...what a horrible story.. what a complete user that guy was. Karma will be upon him one day..


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## Ronni (Jul 17, 2020)

Because I’m very aware of this insincerity, when I offer to help someone, I always add “This isn’t a social offer. I mean what I say.” And I make sure they understand that.

Occasionally I’m taken up on my offer and I always respond positively.

And I do things that way because insincerity is a HUGE pet peeve!!  I hate when it’s done to me so I make sure to never do it to anyone else.


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## Lashann (Jul 17, 2020)

debodun said:


> How is it when you're undergoing bereavement, illness or other tough time people often say "If there's anything you need or I can do for you, just call." Then when you do, they are full of excuses why they can't help?



I'm sorry you had to experience that Deb.

We went through a really difficult time in the last year or so and it was a real eye opener as to who our "friends" really were.

A counsellor friend of mine once told me that it can be difficult as seniors to find true friendship as so many our age are fighting really tough battles daily, of their own, such as health problems, family issues, financial struggles etc.  Oddly enough there was one (much older) couple that did extend an unexpected by much appreciated hand of friendship to us when we needed it.  Later when we had a chance to get to know them a lot better it was learned that they not only had experienced many serious personal/family problems for years, but were still willing to reach out and help someone else in need.  I do believe there are indeed some who are angels among us.


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## debodun (Jul 17, 2020)

I needed a few things fixed around the house like putting a brace on a front porch railing and sanding a door frame - probably very simple for someone that knows what they're doing and has the tools. There's a handyman in my church that has has a property management business and I dropped a few strong hints to him. All I got from him was a Mona Lisa smile. After a while, I finally asked him directly and he said in essence " I don't talk business on Sunday. Even so, If I do it for you, then everyone in the church will expect the same thing." All I can surmise is that he thought that because we attend the same church I expected he'd do the work for nothing. We never actually touched on that topic, but I guess that was his way of saying "Not interested." Maybe he just takes big jobs. I know some contractors I've talked with say they have a minimum price for work they accept (i.e. if the job isn't worth at least $5000 - sayonara).


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## Pepper (Jul 17, 2020)

Gaer said:


> I said, "Oh, You don't know how much that helps me.  I didn't know how I'd get them off by myself! Thank you  so much!"
> *He held out the palm of his hand.  "Fifty bucks!"*


When I read that I thought "It's a joke."  I've never heard of such chutzpah before.  So sorry it happened to you.


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## Pepper (Jul 17, 2020)

hollydolly said:


> However, all that said, if any of you ever need my help in any way, I'll be only to pleased to do what I can..


I believe you would. ❤


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## StarSong (Jul 17, 2020)

debodun said:


> I needed a few things fixed around the house like putting a brace on a front porch railing and sanding a door frame - probably very simple for someone that knows what they're doing and has the tools. There's a handyman in my church that has has a property management business and I dropped a few strong hints to him. All I got from him was a Mona Lisa smile. After a while, I finally asked him directly and he said in essence " I don't talk business on Sunday. Even so, If I do it for you, then everyone in the church will expect the same thing." All I can surmise is that he thought that because we attend the same church I expected he'd do the work for nothing. We never actually touched on that topic, but I guess that was his way of saying "Not interested." Maybe he just takes big jobs. I know some contractors I've talked with say they have a minimum price for work they accept (i.e. if the job isn't worth at least $5000 - sayonara).


He probably had several experiences with church members wanting him to work for free or cheap.  "Church member discount" type of thing.  

You could have responded with, "I understand not wanting to talk business on Sunday. If you have a card, perhaps we can talk business another day. There's some work I'd like to have done and would prefer to hire someone I know and whose work I've seen."


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## bowmore (Jul 17, 2020)

Both my wife and I were widowed, so we know a lot of what others are going through. Two of our neighbors were widowed, and we stepped up togive them moral and physical support. We are just paying forward what others had done for us.


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## bowmore (Jul 18, 2020)

At a neighbor's birthday party, I met a lady who had cancer, and she mentioned her husband loved to fly, but had Parkinson's and could not get a license. I told her I was a pilot, and would be happy to take him up.  The look on her face and her tears really moved me.
I met him, and we went flying together.
In the interim, unfortunately, his wife had passed away, and he needed comfort, and a place to go where he could escape his ground bound problems. Well, neither of us would see 70 again, but a late in life friendship was forged. Together, we flew over 250 hours of Angel Flight missions, and at one point were awarded a "Joined at the Hip" certificate from Angel Flight. We continued flying these missions until his disease got to a point where he was grounded. We are still very close.
My wife remarked how unusual it was to find a real friendship at our ages.


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## Ruthanne (Jul 18, 2020)

I am to the point where I don't believe anything people say.  They say they are there for you and then they are not.  I've learned the hard way.


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## Aunt Marg (Jul 18, 2020)

Ruthanne said:


> I am to the point where I don't believe anything people say.  They say they are there for you and then they are not.  I've learned the hard way.


It's unfortunate that you and I aren't neighbours IRL, Ruthanne, because I would show you what real people stand for and are made of.


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## MarciKS (Jul 18, 2020)

Ruthanne said:


> I am to the point where I don't believe anything people say.  They say they are there for you and then they are not.  I've learned the hard way.


Same here. Or they pretend to be something they're not. I don't like people who are mean or fake.


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## Ruthanne (Jul 19, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> Same here. Or they pretend to be something they're not. I don't like people who are mean or fake.


I don't know who would like someone who is mean or fake.  Those are not admirable qualities


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## Lashann (Jul 19, 2020)

hollydolly said:


> Too many people equate kindness with weakness sadly.



I agree because IMO it takes more strength to be kind - especially in times like these.


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## Liberty (Jul 19, 2020)

There are "stand up" people and there are not. Thank God I've been permitted to stand up for some that really needed it.  Its a wonderful blessing for both...the "healer gets healed".


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## MarciKS (Jul 20, 2020)

Lashann said:


> I agree because IMO it takes more strength to be kind - especially in times like these.


Being kind when people are s****y to you isn't easy at all. If I was one to speak my mind more nobody would like me at all. Ever. *Grins*


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## StarSong (Jul 21, 2020)

Here's the thing about helpful people melting away.  It's their job to melt away so the bereaved can move back ahead with their lives.    

I have sometimes needed people to be there for me, and enough folks showed up that I got pulled through.  
I have also known people who needed someone and sometimes I've been that person. With the exception of immediate family, the ones I've helped and the ones who've helped me have never been the same people. The universe evens things out for us. 

Some people get huge inheritances, others nothing. Some have masses of close relatives living nearby, others are estranged from their families. Some accumulate friends like flies to honey, others can't seem to figure out how to maintain a single friendship. Some are unlucky in employment, others have long-term jobs that fulfill them. 

In life, nobody gets it all and virtually nobody gets completely shut out.

When acquaintances make offers to help during a time of difficulty or bereavement, they're nearly always sincere about lending a short-term hand.  But they're not offering long-term support.  More like if you ask, "Gee if you could bring me something to eat on Thursday that would be great - I can't seem to get it together with food right now."  They'll be there on Thursday with a meal.  Not every Thursday, mind you, but yes on that one Thursday. 

If I'd asked my younger neighbors to go grocery shopping for me in late March, they would have done so joyfully and willingly. However, If I gave them a list every week over the past 4 months, they'd be making excuses and avoiding avoid me like the plague.


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## MarciKS (Jul 21, 2020)

StarSong said:


> Here's the thing about helpful people melting away.  It's their job to melt away so the bereaved can move back ahead with their lives.
> 
> I have sometimes needed people to be there for me, and enough folks showed up that I got pulled through.
> I have also known people who needed someone and sometimes I've been that person. With the exception of immediate family, the ones I've helped and the ones who've helped me have never been the same people. The universe evens things out for us.
> ...


*Maybe. If my neighbor would've needed my help with grocery getting...even though I don't like her...I still would help her with it. I wouldn't want to see her go out for groceries & get sick because no one would help her. But that's just me. Sometimes when you help people you can form friendships. *


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## MarciKS (Jul 21, 2020)

911 said:


> I heard George Carlin talk about this one time. He said he met an old friend on the street who asked him, “How are you doing?” George said he went into this long winded explanation of what was going on with him (all made up, of course) and soon the guy was looking at his watch.
> 
> When George was done talking, the guy says, “Sorry to hear that, but I have to run. Call me and we can talk about it.”
> 
> Some people really are sincere when they tell a person if there’s anything that you need, just call me, but like your friend said, most are just being patronizing.


I get that a lot. I usually just say doing ok now. Nobody gives a crap. They're all fine. I'm fine. Short & sweet. Pretense of caring. Hate that.


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## StarSong (Jul 21, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> *Maybe. If my neighbor would've needed my help with grocery getting...even though I don't like her...I still would help her with it. I wouldn't want to see her go out for groceries & get sick because no one would help her. But that's just me. Sometimes when you help people you can form friendships. *


I'm able bodied with no underlying heath issues, but in my 60s.  Many local stores do grocery deliveries within 48 hours. 
My point was that if I asked that of a neighbor I'd be over the line of what's appropriate or necessary.


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## MarciKS (Jul 21, 2020)

StarSong said:


> I'm able bodied with no underlying heath issues, but in my 60s.  Many local stores do grocery deliveries within 48 hours.
> My point was that if I asked that of a neighbor I'd be over the line of what's appropriate or necessary.


Why?


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## Gary O' (Jul 21, 2020)

debodun said:


> How is it when you're undergoing bereavement, illness or other tough time people often say "If there's anything you need or I can do for you, just call." Then when you do, they are full of excuses why they can't help?


I have yet to pay attention to kind offers, no matter the circumstance

I do thank them, but don't remember whatever kind gesture anyway.
Guess I don't log that kinda crap, to nail some poor soul later on, outa the blue

Don't recall ever saying  *'If there's anything you need or I can do....'*

My lady takes up the slack in that dept

Guess I'm delivering 55 gallons of water to an ol' gal in an off grid cabin a few miles up the path tomorrow

Guess I'm the counterbalance to those that offer then renege 

I don't offer
I just do what's offered by my lady


Guess,  the pendulum  swings both ways.... 




debodun said:


> How is it when you're undergoing bereavement



Note to self......funerals...wakes.....*are traps!*
Say nothing
Look sad
Get the hell out!!


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## StarSong (Jul 22, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> Why?


Because I can do it for myself.  Asking someone for help shopping once or twice is fine.  Every week for four months or more would be extremely inappropriate - at least the way I was brought up.


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## MarciKS (Jul 22, 2020)

StarSong said:


> Because I can do it for myself.  Asking someone for help shopping once or twice is fine.  Every week for four months or more would be extremely inappropriate - at least the way I was brought up.


*My neighbor is capable too but I'd still hate to see her have to chance it. I offered to help her but she wasn't interested. Maybe she feels the same way. I don't know.*


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## LindaB (Jul 22, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> I can't tell you how many times over the course of my lifetime that I have extended myself to others, and it's always been 100% genuine.
> 
> No excuses, no nothing, I mean what I say.


Me, too. I don't it out there if I don't intend to follow through.


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## Aunt Marg (Jul 22, 2020)

LindaB said:


> Me, too. I don't it out there if I don't intend to follow through.


Well said, Linda.

My mom and dad taught us kids to never offer, and not to make promises to others, if you have no intentions on living up to, or following through with your promise.

So to this day I like my word to count, so when I say I'm going to do something or help someone, I do it, I'm there.


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## Pinky (Jul 22, 2020)

.. then there are people who take advantage, and push their limits.
I offered to help a couple, _once_ .. and they really went too far with what they asked me to do.
After a few favours, I told them I couldn't help them every time they asked, and they were very rude - so, I never called them back again.


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## Aunt Marg (Jul 22, 2020)

Pinky said:


> .. then there are people who take advantage, and push their limits.
> I offered to help a couple, _once_ .. and they really went too far with what they asked me to do.
> After a few favours, I told them I couldn't help them every time they asked, and they were very rude - so, I never called them back again.


Unfortunately, there are those types, too.

You did exactly what I would have done.


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## debodun (Jul 22, 2020)

Aunt Marg said:


> My mom and dad taught us kids to never offer, and not to make promises to others, if you have no intentions on living up to, or following through with your promise.



I feel the same. About as far as I go is telling people that if they ever need to talk to someone, just pick up the phone, but make it at a reasonable time of day.


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## twinkles (Jul 22, 2020)

i have a friend that she will ask you what time you go to bed -my daughter goes to bed at 8 and i go at8.30----thats the time she will call - 8.30


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## JaniceM (Jul 22, 2020)

MarciKS said:


> *Maybe. If my neighbor would've needed my help with grocery getting...even though I don't like her...I still would help her with it. I wouldn't want to see her go out for groceries & get sick because no one would help her. But that's just me. Sometimes when you help people you can form friendships. *



or if you lived in this neighborhood, helping people = getting taken advantage of.


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## Pinky (Jul 22, 2020)

twinkles said:


> i have a friend that she will ask you what time you go to bed -my daughter goes to bed at 8 and i go at8.30----thats the time she will call - 8.30


We have a friend who does the same thing. He has no concept of time.


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## MarciKS (Jul 22, 2020)

JaniceM said:


> or if you lived in this neighborhood, helping people = getting taken advantage of.


Trust me I understand that side of it too.


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