# Dreading Sunday with "sniper" step-daughter :(



## Colleen (Nov 9, 2019)

My 45 year old step-daughter is coming on Sunday with her husband for dinner, but I'm dreading it. She tolerates me because of her Dad, who she never knew until we moved here 5 years ago. Anyway, she has a subtle way of sniping at me and last Sunday was very difficult for me to keep my mouth shut so I don't make waves. 

I'm just venting. Maybe it will help to say it to someone here that's not involved. My husband doesn't catch her digs. He's either outside or doesn't hear her because he's hard of hearing.

She's a very over-bearing person and a real know-it-all (just like her mother), so she's hard to even like. Guess I need to just keep my mouth shut. It's only a day...right?


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## Lvstotrvl (Nov 9, 2019)

There is no way you should have to put up with that kind of treatment in your own home! Is there anyway you can get her alone & tell her to knock it off or this will be the last time she’ll be invited to your home? I don’t mean to sound like a witch but this is just wrong!!


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## Llynn (Nov 9, 2019)

Usually the only thing that works with people like her is all out confrontation. It would be good to get your husband aligned with you first because one possible outcome would for her to try to split him away from you (which may be her objective anyway).

I always show respect to people I meet and have no tolerance for clowns who won't show me respect in turn no matter their family connection. You will either have one fantastic memorable  donnybrook with her or you will have to endure a multitude of frustrating encounters. 

I vote for the donnybrook...They can be so much fun.


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## AnnieA (Nov 9, 2019)

@Colleen   Sometimes with that kind of person and in the complex family situation you're in, you just have to consider the source.  That's one thing I've learned working in heathcare where you're exposed to all kinds and you can't confront or escape.   If you can get to that level of detachment, that sort of person sometimes even becomes a source of amusement ...they're working so hard, you aren't biting, and it begins to get funny.


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## jerry old (Nov 9, 2019)

A society that has accepted innuendos, clever insinuations, double ententes leaves one searching for a squelch, but anger slows
 cognition.
 Repartee:   Our 'polite society' will drive us nuts. There is a time for crude.
I fear my examples would not be appropriate


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## Catlady (Nov 9, 2019)

Are you required to invite her?  Every Sunday!

You have three options:  
1.  Confront her in front of your husband and her husband, so that she can't put words in your mouth when retelling.
2.  Put up with it and let your BP go sky high and your self-esteem go real low.
3.  Don't invite her anymore and if your husband complains tell him to meet her at a restaurant without you.


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## Colleen (Nov 9, 2019)

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. 

I'm not a mean-spirited person and I avoid confrontation at all costs. I don't even "fight" with my husband because, after all, we have to live together...right???

I know you didn't ask for any details, but let me give you a little background. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm being too sensitive...IDK.

We moved here to AZ in 2014. It was what my husband wanted to do, so that's what we did. His kids lived, at that time, in CA. I was happy that they were 350 miles away so we only saw them once a month. Right after we moved here, Jennifer (the "sniper") announced they were selling their house in CA and moving here. I asked her if she was sure that's what they wanted to do...meaning her and her husband, because he's not a person to be out of his comfort zone. He was born and raised there and didn't want to come here but she forced the situation, so they sold their home; she moved here; he stayed there for the past 3 1/2 years and used any excuse to delay his move. It's a complicated situation. He finally came the end of October.

Last Saturday (the 2nd) was my husband's birthday. They said they couldn't come because they were going to Las Vegas (we're only 100 miles away) to Ikea, so David and I had steaks on the grill and I baked him a birthday cake. She never phoned or texted her dad. He waited all day to hear from her.

They came on Sunday and while David was outside with her dog, I asked why she didn't call her dad on his birthday. She said, "Well, we were coming today. Besides, I never know who's phone I should be calling." I thought...really?...that's your excuse? Come to find out...they didn't go to Vegas to Ikea. So, we played Chicken Foot and usually we take a break about half way through and have a dessert of some kind that I've made, so I asked if they wanted some birthday cake. She said, "no thanks. We're on the Keto diet". I thought...why would you start a diet at this time of the year??? So, we played on and I ended up winning, which is unusual, because she usually wins. She said, "Well...you won again." She gets all snippy if she ends up losing a round and makes comments about me "blocking" her moves. 

Her dad asked what they were going to get at Ikea and said I had just gotten a new dresser (not from Ikea) and would she like to see it? She made a comment...what, you're getting rid of some more furniture??? We had downsized when we moved here to AZ 5 years ago. She looked at it and said, "Kinda small, isn't it?" She picks at everything. She even has the nerve to ask me if I'm ever going to put anything up on one of my kitchen walls. That's really funny because she lives in a pig pen. I won't go over there unless I absolutely have no choice. She was raised like that with her mother and doesn't think any thing of it, but yet, she's always finding fault with everything I do or say.

There's a ton of things more, but you get the idea. She's always right...about EVERYTHING....and you can't give any advice or opinion because she doesn't want any. 

I dread tomorrow


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## Colleen (Nov 9, 2019)

PVC said:


> Are you required to invite her?  Every Sunday!
> 
> You have three options:
> 1.  Confront her in front of your husband and her husband, so that she can't put words in your mouth when retelling.
> ...




I don't invite them every Sunday. My husband expects them to be here every freakin' Sunday! I cook every Sunday. I put up with her every Sunday for my husband's sake. He has always put his kids ahead of us. It goes a long way back when he left his (drunken) ex and the kids to be with me. He's always felt guilty and they are still first in his life.


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## Catlady (Nov 9, 2019)

Colleen said:


> I don't invite them every Sunday. My husband expects them to be here every freakin' Sunday! I cook every Sunday. I put up with her every Sunday for my husband's sake. He has always put his kids ahead of us. It goes a long way back when he left his (drunken) ex and the kids to be with me. He's always felt guilty and they are still first in his life.


After I divorced at 24 I never found the kind of guy I wanted, so I stayed single.  I am soooo glad it worked out this way.   I was bound to find a guy with a ready-made family and I didn't want  all those complications of stepchildren and ex-wife.  It sounds like you do everything your husband's way, including moving to Arizona which you said you hated.  I think you need to be more assertive with him about your wants and needs.  You didn't ''marry him'', you both married each other and marriages are all about compromises.

And if worse comes to worse and he leaves you, believe me, being single has LOTS of pros, one of them is that you get to live your life ''your way''.


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## SeaBreeze (Nov 9, 2019)

Colleen said:


> My 45 year old step-daughter is coming on Sunday with her husband for dinner, but I'm dreading it. She tolerates me because of her Dad, who she never knew until we moved here 5 years ago. Anyway, she has a subtle way of sniping at me and last Sunday was very difficult for me to keep my mouth shut so I don't make waves.
> 
> I'm just venting. Maybe it will help to say it to someone here that's not involved. My husband doesn't catch her digs. He's either outside or doesn't hear her because he's hard of hearing.
> 
> She's a very over-bearing person and a real know-it-all (just like her mother), so she's hard to even like. Guess I need to just keep my mouth shut. It's only a day...right?



I know they type of person you mean, but as you say it's only temporary and you already know what to expect, so you won't be surprised.  Don't take her sniping too personally...and just consider the source.  You can get away from her in a short period of time, but she has to live with herself.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 9, 2019)

Any way the Sunday dinners can be limited to every two weeks instead? Even if not possible, I'd say kill her with kindness outwardly, but when your husband isn't in the room, give her the side-eye whenever she gets snippy and say something designed to shut her down. How about "My goodness, are we a bit cranky today?" Life's too short to put up with disagreeable people.

And be grateful that it's only a few hours!


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## Knight (Nov 9, 2019)

Colleen said:


> I don't invite them every Sunday. My husband expects them to be here every freakin' Sunday! I cook every Sunday. I put up with her every Sunday for my husband's sake. He has always put his kids ahead of us. It goes a long way back when he left his (drunken) ex and the kids to be with me. He's always felt guilty and they are still first in his life.




Read this line in your post to yourself a few times. Let it sink in. 

Quote
"He has always put his kids ahead of us. " 

Is the resentment really about the daughter or just an extension of resentment knowing you come after his kids? 

Then think about these words of wisdom from PVC

Quote
"You didn't ''marry him'', you both married each other and marriages are all about compromises.


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## 911 (Nov 9, 2019)

I’ll tell you what——You two are oil and water. The pair of you need to come to an agreement to stay out of each other’s way. 
OTOH, the only way you two will be tolerant of one another is if you learn to be tolerant of one another. Get it? 
Good Luck!


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## Colleen (Nov 9, 2019)

Knight said:


> Read this line in your post to yourself a few times. Let it sink in.
> 
> Quote
> "He has always put his kids ahead of us. "
> ...



Yes...after 22 years, I'm positive I harbor some resentments of my own that he cares more about his "kids" (50/47/45) than he does me. I also have lost a lot respect for him after a couple years ago he told me that I have been the biggest disappointment of his life. Nice, eh?? I can't tell you how much that hurt. I've done everything for him. I took care of him at home for 8 months when he was seriously injured 6 years ago. 

I could have let him go to a rehab hospital but since I had been a nurse, I figured I could take better care of him. It took a toll on me. It was tough and I wouldn't do it again. I've given up everything that I cherished when we've moved several times just because he didn't want to take it with us. I've had to all the bills, banking, decisions on his pension, etc., etc., etc....so for him to say such a cruel thing to me, after all I've done for him, has killed all my feelings for him. I've told him how I feel. It's a "marriage" of convenience for both of us. 

I wish I could have been as smart as PVC years ago and stayed single, but I didn't. The truth is...he thought I was a different person than what he thought and visa versa. 

I've posted this before, but I was ready to leave him 2 years ago, but, financially I can't do it. I've made my bed......


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## Lc jones (Nov 9, 2019)

I couldn’t and wouldn’t tolerate it every weekend. My health would suffer as I avoid conflict like the plague and internally I would be destroyed. Once or twice a year for holiday but that’s it.


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## Catlady (Nov 9, 2019)

Colleen said:


> I've posted this before, but I was ready to leave him 2 years ago, but, *financially I can't do it. I've made my bed*......



I don't know how old you are, Colleen, but that above is fatalistic.  After being married ten years you're entitled to something, you've been married 22 years.  Even if you get nothing, you were a nurse, you should be able to make enough to live on.   It's obvious that you no longer love your husband and it's obvious he no longer loves you since your feelings matter little to him.  If a good financial life is more important to you than a life of self-respect then I have nothing else to say.  You may have ''made your bed'' 22 years ago, but you still have the power to unmake that bed for the remaining years of your life.


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## Pepper (Nov 9, 2019)

Colleen, did your husband's ex-wife remarry, or enter into another relationship?  Is she happy?


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 9, 2019)

With the background you've just given, here's my two cents worth...he invites them every Sunday? Fine. Find yourself something to do _away_ from home every Sunday. He can cook for them or he can take them out to eat. Just decline with polite thanks to be a part of it.

His kids were 28, 25 and 23 when he married you? WTH? It's not like they were 8, 5 and 3 or even 18, 15 and 13. He's still feeling guilty? Mmhmm. It's apparent that his daughter has that all figured out, has picked up on his disdain for you, and is milking it for all its worth.

You've done your part for 22 years. You get to call the shots. I hope you can find a way to call the shots in your favor and start living a life that you like. What he wants is the_ last _thing that would concern me one. single. iota.


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## Sassycakes (Nov 9, 2019)

*I feel sorry for all you are going through. What has me confused though is why didn't she know her Dad ?
Did he stop seeing her after he left his wife ? Did he marry right away after his divorce ? Could she hold it against you that she never saw him ? He might defend her because he feels guilty about not seeing her for so long. I hope things work out much better for you.*


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## Catlady (Nov 9, 2019)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> Find yourself something to do _away_ from home every Sunday. He can cook for them or he can take them out to eat. Just decline with polite thanks to be a part of it.
> 
> It's apparent that his daughter has that all figured out, has picked up on his disdain for you, and is milking it for all its worth.


I was going to suggest that she leave the house on Sundays and let him host the daughter.  BUT, what if the daughter does something to spite Colleen?  She could damage something on purpose or steal something etc etc.  I wouldn't trust her in my house when I'm gone.

I fully agree on the second paragraph!


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 9, 2019)

I guess I'd lock up my jewelry before leaving for a pleasant Sunday afternoon on my own!


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## Colleen (Nov 9, 2019)

PVC said:


> I don't know how old you are, Colleen, but that above is fatalistic.  After being married ten years you're entitled to something, you've been married 22 years.  Even if you get nothing, you were a nurse, you should be able to make enough to live on.   It's obvious that you no longer love your husband and it's obvious he no longer loves you since your feelings matter little to him.  If a good financial life is more important to you than a life of self-respect then I have nothing else to say.  You may have ''made your bed'' 22 years ago, but you still have the power to unmake that bed for the remaining years of your life.




Well said...thank you  Where were you 22 years ago when I could have used some good advice?? BTW...I'm 73.


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## Colleen (Nov 9, 2019)

Pepper said:


> Colleen, did your husband's ex-wife remarry, or enter into another relationship?  Is she happy?



No, she never remarried. She's a miserable person. She's a drinker and very negative. David's job always took him out of town for the week. They had a farm but when he came home, she'd be passed out on the couch. The house was a mess and the animals hadn't been taken care of. After 10 years, he had enough. She hates both of us, even though she never wanted or loved David and has never forgiven us. Thank God she lives in PA and we live in AZ.


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## Catlady (Nov 9, 2019)

Colleen said:


> Well said...thank you  Where were you 22 years ago when I could have used some good advice?? BTW...I'm 73.


I'm 77.  Back 22 years ago I was still making mistakes and still am.  I have a feeling that even if we meet someone who gives us good advice, we won't listen to them because ''we know it all''.  We really don't learn until we do it our way.


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## Colleen (Nov 9, 2019)

Sassycakes said:


> *I feel sorry for all you are going through. What has me confused though is why didn't she know her Dad ?
> Did he stop seeing her after he left his wife ? Did he marry right away after his divorce ? Could she hold it against you that she never saw him ? He might defend her because he feels guilty about not seeing her for so long. I hope things work out much better for you.*



The reason Jennifer never knew her dad was because her mother wouldn't let her come with her brother's on weekends when they were young. Her mother always took her horseback riding or something. Jennifer was told awful lies about her dad so she grew up being afraid of him and didn't want to be around him. No, he didn't remarry until we did in '97. I met him in 1975 right after Jennifer was born. He lived in PA and was working in MI where I was raised. He left his wife and kids about 8 months after that and lived with his mother. He left the farm, land, and house to his ex. Unfortunately, he had a stupid lawyer that didn't specify any money from the sale of the property or animals would be in trust for the kids. David assumed his ex would use it for the kids. Wrong. She drank it all up. I moved to PA about a year later, got a good job, and we lived together for a couple years. It was the same merry-go-round back then. He was gone all week and home Friday night. He picked up the 2 boys and they stayed the weekend until he left Sunday afternoon. That was every weekend. Then his ex would call at 2 or 3 in the morning and want him to come rescue her because she was stuck in a ditch somewhere. She was drunk and he'd go help her. This went on for a couple years and then I moved out. I couldn't take it any more. We both moved on with our lives and when his ex packed up and took the kids to CA (where she had family), he followed because he didn't trust her to take care of them. So, I never saw him again until 1997. Kids were grown. He was getting ready to retire. Everything was pretty good.....until we moved here in 2014. I thought we'd have our retirement years together but he looks forward to his kids every weekend. It's the same old merry-go-round but with older children.


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## Colleen (Nov 9, 2019)

PVC said:


> I'm 77.  Back 22 years ago I was still making mistakes and still am.  I have a feeling that even if we meet someone who gives us good advice, we won't listen to them because ''we know it all''.  We really don't learn until we do it our way.



Yes...unfortunately...that's very true.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 10, 2019)

In case you're thinking you're "too old" to leave and make another (better) life for yourself, I say this: you're too old NOT to. You won't be younger in a week, a month, a year. The sooner you make a plan (or, as my daddy used to say "hatch a plot"), the sooner you can live in peace and the longer you'll have to enjoy that peace.

If you're in good health and have kept up your nursing license, you can supplement your income with nursing gigs. The demand is high for private duty nurses, and it pays well. If you're in good health but haven't kept up your license, you can go back to school and pick up what you need to get it back. This is not to say that you should work full time, just that you _can_ work here and there as your pocketbook dictates. Heck, it wouldn't surprise me if a good divorce attorney can ask for and get an order for him to pay for the classes you need.

Arizona is a community property state. You're entitled to half the marital assets. Half. You won't be leaving with nothing. In addition, since you've been married for more than 10 years, if his SS is more than yours, yours will be recalculated so that you'll get the difference between what you get and what his amounts to. For instance, if your SS is $1500/month and his is $2000/month, after a divorce, yours will be $2000/month, and the amount he gets won't be affected. (Forgive me, I don't do numbers so just chose some nice round numbers, but you get the idea.) I believe that you can also ask for half his retirement if he gets a pension, but since I'm not an attorney and never played one on TV, a pension benefit is something for an attorney to sort out.

Please don't just dismiss out of hand the possibility of leaving because the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Do your due diligence and then make a decision about whether you'll be better off with him or without him. This I can tell you without a doubt: your mental health will be far better off without him. What good is physical health if you're emotionally so distressed that you can't enjoy it?

Okay, now I'm going to go face the East for a moment of silent prayer on your behalf. Then I'm going to sit on the patio with my second cup of coffee.

One more thing: just for sh!ts and giggles, why not prepare today's dinner so that it's not keto-friendly, not gluten-free, not whatever is the dietary trend-of-the-moment and either make something that _you_ really like or something that's so disagreeable to her than she won't want to eat it at all? (Yes, I'm a beeyotch that way! LOL)

Okay, I lied about one more thing   Here's another thing. My 73-year-old sister is quite well off; she's a "retired" nurse but all the years since she retired, she's worked one day a month solely for the purpose of keeping her license active in case she ever needed it. She recently became a widow and told me that she's glad she kept her license so that she'll "have something to do and to look forward to."

Oops. Another thing! You haven't said whether you still have family and if you do, where they are. Might you want to move to be closer to them? Just a reminder that if you have family still in Michigan, don't forget how brutal the winters are. I'm a Yooper, and when I get really homesick and want to be where most of my brothers and sisters are, I have to do a reality check to remember how unforgiving, how long, and how truly nasty winter can be.


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## Lc jones (Nov 10, 2019)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> In case you're thinking you're "too old" to leave and make another (better) life for yourself, I say this: you're too old NOT to. You won't be younger in a week, a month, a year. The sooner you make a plan (or, as my daddy used to say "hatch a plot"), the sooner you can live in peace and the longer you'll have to enjoy that peace.
> 
> If you're in good health and have kept up your nursing license, you can supplement your income with nursing gigs. The demand is high for private duty nurses, and it pays well. If you're in good health but haven't kept up your license, you can go back to school and pick up what you need to get it back. This is not to say that you should work full time, just that you _can_ work here and there as your pocketbook dictates. Heck, it wouldn't surprise me if a good divorce attorney can ask for and get an order for him to pay for the classes you need.
> 
> ...


I like the idea about making a meal that she does not like LOL!


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## AnnieA (Nov 10, 2019)

Colleen said:


> ... I also have lost a lot respect for him after a couple years ago he told me that I have been the biggest disappointment of his life. Nice, eh?? I can't tell you how much that hurt. I've done everything for him.  ...
> 
> ...I've posted this before, but I was ready to leave him 2 years ago, but, financially I can't do it. I've made my bed......





Colleen said:


> ...I'm not a mean-spirited person and I avoid confrontation at all costs. I don't even "fight" with my husband because, after all, we have to live together...right???



You don't have to leave to set boundaries.   You're sounding in full-on doormat mode right now, and I'm guessing from the tone of what you've posted that this has gone on long enough that you meet clinical depression criteria.  You're a nurse ...there are plenty of depression evaluation tools online to help you determine this.

If I'm reading this right and you are depressed, see a doctor, work on getting your brain neurotransmitters back in balance, and also see a counselor to learn how to live strong in the situation you're in.  If you're not clinically depressed, go straight to a therapist.   From what you've posted, I doubt your husband will go along with counseling, but that's okay.  You can do a lot on your own. You learn how to respond/not respond from a place of inner strength and once you start responding that way, people respect it.  You'll also have an objective, encouraging therapist supporting you as you grow stronger.


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## StarSong (Nov 10, 2019)

Colleen said:


> Thanks for the encouragement, everyone.
> 
> I'm not a mean-spirited person and I avoid confrontation at all costs. I don't even "fight" with my husband because, after all, we have to live together...right???
> 
> ...



In reading this a few things popped out at me, Colleen.  Given your relationship with your husband and his daughter, why are you calling her out about not phoning her father on his birthday?  Not your concern. 

What do you care if they went to IKEA or not? Again, not your concern if they show up for his birthday. That's between them. Let it stay between them. Not your circus not your monkeys.

So what if they're starting a diet this time of the year? Would you be equally judge-y if one of your friends said she was going on a diet ahead of the holidays so her weight didn't get out of control?

Why are you defensive about your dresser? You could have shrugged and said, "Maybe it is small. We don't need as many different types of clothing now that we're retired."

My point is that your responses and reactions are helping to keep the pot boiling with her. As others have said, if she plugs you in then do something else on Sundays. Go to the movies and take a long walk, set up a date with a GF, join a book group that meets on Sundays, find a church or organization that appeals, and let your husband know that you're going to let him enjoy some time with his daughter. No drama. Let them have their relationship.

I'd have zero tolerance for staying in a marriage where I didn't feel valued or loved, and didn't value or love my partner. At this point you might want to honestly consider whether you're a victim or a volunteer.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 10, 2019)

Sometimes we have the notion that if we do "just this one more thing" that it's going to make a difference. It doesn't, but we feel like we have to try.


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## Sassycakes (Nov 10, 2019)

Colleen said:


> The reason Jennifer never knew her dad was because her mother wouldn't let her come with her brother's on weekends when they were young. Her mother always took her horseback riding or something. Jennifer was told awful lies about her dad so she grew up being afraid of him and didn't want to be around him. No, he didn't remarry until we did in '97. I met him in 1975 right after Jennifer was born. He lived in PA and was working in MI where I was raised. He left his wife and kids about 8 months after that and lived with his mother. He left the farm, land, and house to his ex. Unfortunately, he had a stupid lawyer that didn't specify any money from the sale of the property or animals would be in trust for the kids. David assumed his ex would use it for the kids. Wrong. She drank it all up. I moved to PA about a year later, got a good job, and we lived together for a couple years. It was the same merry-go-round back then. He was gone all week and home Friday night. He picked up the 2 boys and they stayed the weekend until he left Sunday afternoon. That was every weekend. Then his ex would call at 2 or 3 in the morning and want him to come rescue her because she was stuck in a ditch somewhere. She was drunk and he'd go help her. This went on for a couple years and then I moved out. I couldn't take it any more. We both moved on with our lives and when his ex packed up and took the kids to CA (where she had family), he followed because he didn't trust her to take care of them. So, I never saw him again until 1997. Kids were grown. He was getting ready to retire. Everything was pretty good.....until we moved here in 2014. I thought we'd have our retirement years together but he looks forward to his kids every weekend. It's the same old merry-go-round but with older children.



It's really a shame that she was allowed to raise the children. Your husband should have been giving  the kids they would have been much better off. God only knows the lies the Mother told her daughter about your husband.


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## Colleen (Nov 10, 2019)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> In case you're thinking you're "too old" to leave and make another (better) life for yourself, I say this: you're too old NOT to. You won't be younger in a week, a month, a year. The sooner you make a plan (or, as my daddy used to say "hatch a plot"), the sooner you can live in peace and the longer you'll have to enjoy that peace.
> 
> If you're in good health and have kept up your nursing license, you can supplement your income with nursing gigs. The demand is high for private duty nurses, and it pays well. If you're in good health but haven't kept up your license, you can go back to school and pick up what you need to get it back. This is not to say that you should work full time, just that you _can_ work here and there as your pocketbook dictates. Heck, it wouldn't surprise me if a good divorce attorney can ask for and get an order for him to pay for the classes you need.
> 
> ...




WOW!!! Great information! Thanks. I didn't realize that I could qualify for the difference between his SS and mine. I DID know I was entitled to 1/2 his pension. Two years ago, I told him I was leaving and he asked me how I'd manage financially. I told him about his pension and he blew his stack and said he'd kill himself first before I got 1/2. That's not the reason I haven't left. I know he'd never do anything like that. He was just shocked and furious.

I did not keep up my nursing license. Actually...I hated nursing. It's what my parents wanted me to do. I was 18...what did I know?? Later in life I found a career that I loved and I was good at it.

Today's dinner is a sort-of-celebration for his son, who turns 50 on the 17th. I'm not fussing...just steaks and baked potatoes on the grill. We offered to take him to whatever restaurant he wanted but he's a very simple guy and doesn't like a lot of expense and fussing. Next weekend, Jennifer and her husband are taking him to Las Vegas. They have an aunt that lives in Henderson and gets a lot of free tickets to shows, etc. because she's a resident.

My family in MI is gone...for the most part. I have a couple cousins but we're not close any more. They all have kids and grandkids but I don't even know them. I would go back during the summer for visits but I wouldn't live there again. I'd probably stay here in AZ but I relocate to a different area...NOT Phoenix!!


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 10, 2019)

Oh, my. Steak and baked potatoes. Is that keto-friendly so that his daughter can eat it? 

Heck, you don't have to be a nurse. Maybe just choose something that you'd like to do where you could pick and choose when you'd work, and do that if you need more income.

Oh, and grounds for a divorce? Emotional abuse is what you've been living with. You don't have to.


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## Colleen (Nov 10, 2019)

StarSong said:


> In reading this a few things popped out at me, Colleen.  Given your relationship with your husband and his daughter, why are you calling her out about not phoning her father on his birthday?  Not your concern.
> 
> What do you care if they went to IKEA or not? Again, not your concern if they show up for his birthday. That's between them. Let it stay between them. Not your circus not your monkeys.
> 
> ...




Wow! You're way off base on your conclusions, missy. I'm not even going to defend myself to you because you're ridiculous!


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## AnnieA (Nov 10, 2019)

Colleen said:


> Wow! You're way off base on your conclusions, missy. I'm not even going to defend myself to you because you're ridiculous!



She made some good points.  Those are the sorts of things you'd learn in counseling if you would give it a try.


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## StarSong (Nov 10, 2019)

Colleen said:


> Wow! You're way off base on your conclusions, missy. I'm not even going to defend myself to you because you're ridiculous!


I offer my sincere apologies.  I didn't mean to offend.  I was trying to point out that you could extricate yourself from a lot of the aggravation with your step-daughter-in-law by not involving yourself in what goes on between her and her father.   

As for your relationship with your husband, it just seems to me that you'll either have to put up with what you've described on these threads as a marriage of convenience in which all feelings for your husband have been killed, or leave. Not suggesting for a moment that either would be easy.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 10, 2019)

They may be "good points" but may also not be good points in her case. She's the one who knows what applies to her and what doesn't. I don't think we should be making judgments or deciding for her what she "needs" to do. What Colleen probably wants and needs from us is _support and encouragement_ to do what she feels is in her best interests. And a place to rant.

How often have any of us just ranted here without really wanting anything except a place to vent? I know I have!

Unfortunately, our "tone of voice" doesn't come through on a computer screen. Emojis help, but even then...KWIM?

ETA: Here I am again with my "one more thing" and that is that sometimes we find ourselves between the devil and the deep blue sea, a six-of-one/half-a-dozen of the other situation. Pros. Cons. And no crystal ball to point us in the best direction.


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## Catlady (Nov 10, 2019)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> How often have any of us just ranted here without really wanting anything except a place to vent? I know I have!



I was in a forum once where the Original Poster (OP) asked for a solution to his problem.  Lots of posters offered a solution, but the OP kept finding fault with each.  One very wise poster said that most OPs had already decided what to do about their problem BEFORE they posted, they just wanted to see who or how many agreed with them. 

 I doubt that Colleen will do anything about her situation.  I think she just wants to vent about it and stay put because it's much easier than making the changes that will improve her life, either leaving him or  demanding respect and risking him asking for a divorce and her losing her lifestyle.


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## Judycat (Nov 10, 2019)

I lived the same way with my husband for 31 years, but from the beginning I made it clear as long as he was married to me, in my eyes, the ex-family came second. I didn't care how he felt about it. He was welcome to visit and entertain them, just not in my house. Ex-wife thought she could drop in any old time, as did the rest of her family. I put a stop to that right away. He had a daughter. She came to visit and stay over occasionally but she preferred to stay with her mom and grandma. I felt like a heel at first demanding my way, but you know I got respect. Anyway the problem was my husband. He thought I should get along with everyone in his life all the time, whereas he spent only a few hours a day at home. Screw that. He didn't know what he was talking about. He just liked throwing his imaginary weight around. I put up with him until he died.  I will never marry again that's for sure, even if the guy is a billionaire. My experience, marriage is a raw deal for women.


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## Catlady (Nov 10, 2019)

Judycat said:


> I felt like a heel at first demanding my way, but you know I got respect.


I don't know why you stayed, but at least you got respect.  I can't believe anyone would want to be a doormat and get stomped on for life.


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## toffee (Nov 10, 2019)

please do not allow this person with the know all ways bully u in your own house - she knows you keep quite -so she will continue with the snide remarks and so on …..married to her dad or not you dont take it ' your a adult so put her straight while she visits you ' once you have told her it will stop ' and dont get upset just be firm and in front of both men -then you can sit and have a enjoyable meal ,


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## jet (Nov 10, 2019)

get rid of,i did my ex wife,after 30 yrs,enjoyed life since


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 10, 2019)

PVC, he isn't going to ask for a divorce. Remember, he doesn't want to let her have half his pension! I don't think she's made up her mind; I think she's trying to decide. It could be that he's made her feel obligated to stay and convinced her that she's so dependent upon his income that she can't leave.

At any rate, today it's steak and baked potatoes on the grill. Steak is okay, but baked potatoes aren't keto-friendly  Never mind that it's his son's birthday dinner, not his daughter's.


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## Catlady (Nov 10, 2019)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> PVC, he isn't going to ask for a divorce. *Remember, he doesn't want to let her have half his pension!* I don't think she's made up her mind; I think she's trying to decide.


Good point, I forgot about the pension!   She's safe, unless he murders her to get her out of the way (I know, I watch too many Columbo).

BUT, she wanted to leave him two years ago and didn't.  He's been treating her this way for 22 years and moved to Arizona in 2014 even though she hates it here.  I don't blame her for hating Phoenix, though, with the 110 summer temps and the Haboobs at least once a year.  She has admitted she does everything his way and that he said she was a mistake.  How much more and how much longer will she take it?  She's already 73, is she hoping he'll drop dead?  If she is, she better check his will, she may not be in there at all, but she should get half of everything (I hope).

Re my snide remark about her waiting for him to die.  A friend told me that her father in law was a womanizer and his wife knew about it but refused to leave him.  She said she did not want another woman getting HIS half.  He died at 59 from a heart attack and she lost her morbidly obese weight, bought a brand new wardrobe, and met a man who loved everything she loved and they had a grand old time until he died at 73.  Putting up with the chronic cheater is not what I would do, but it worked for her.


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## Judycat (Nov 10, 2019)

My husband did and said a lot of dumb things, but he wasn't a drunk or a wife beater, he didn't cheat or gamble. He was a dumbass. I didn't find that to be grounds for divorce. A lot of people are dumbasses, doesn't mean you just write them off. Just the way I feel.


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## Catlady (Nov 10, 2019)

Judycat said:


> My husband did and said a lot of dumb things, but *he wasn't a drunk or a wife beater, he didn't cheat or gamble. He was a dumbass*. I didn't find that to be grounds for divorce. A lot of people are dumbasses, doesn't mean you just write them off. Just the way I feel.


I agree, but dumbasses would never pass in my book, either.  Two things I would require in a marriage, *chemistry and respect*, nothing less.   It's a good thing I never found that ''special guy'' I was looking for after my divorce, I don't think I was made for marriage.  I'm glad you were able to make it work with him, there is much worse out there than a "dumbass".


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 10, 2019)

I couldn't have been married to a dumbass. I don't suffer fools gladly; therefore, a dumbass wouldn't have made it past (maybe not even to) a first date.


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## Judycat (Nov 10, 2019)




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## Keesha (Nov 10, 2019)

StarSong said:


> In reading this a few things popped out at me, Colleen.  Given your relationship with your husband and his daughter, why are you calling her out about not phoning her father on his birthday?  Not your concern.
> 
> What do you care if they went to IKEA or not? Again, not your concern if they show up for his birthday. That's between them. Let it stay between them. Not your circus not your monkeys.
> 
> ...


Great post, as usual  Starsong.


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## Lc jones (Nov 11, 2019)

Colleen said:


> Yes...unfortunately...that's very true.


Hi Colleen, how did the dinner go? Or should I ask?


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## WhatInThe (Nov 11, 2019)

Dealing with very resentful family for decades at this point.  And yes they will take shots and let their version of zingers fly at any opportunity. They are the obsessed ones. They talk about family dinners unsolicited year round eagerly waiting or dreading the next one months in advance.

For what ever reason they let you live in their head 24/7 and it all comes out in a "safe" environment because they're hiding/using the 'I'm family" get out of jail free card. They tend to have a different version of events which is probably why they become obsessed because they're still trying to figure it out.

Maybe let some zingers fly of your own bringing it front and center-it will either get too intense and people will leave and not come back or boundaries will be set. I hate confrontation and it shouldn't come to that but sometimes that's the only thing bullies understand and that sniping is a form of bullying.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 15, 2019)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> In addition, since you've been married for more than 10 years, if his SS is more than yours, yours will be recalculated so that you'll get the difference between what you get and what his amounts to. For instance, if your SS is $1500/month and his is $2000/month, after a divorce, yours will be $2000/month, and the amount he gets won't be affected. (Forgive me, I don't do numbers so just chose some nice round numbers, but you get the idea.)


I stand corrected! In the case of divorce after having been married at least 10 years, you're entitled to 50% of his SS. Therefore, your SS would need to be LESS THAN 50% of his SS. You would get the difference between what you get and what it would take to get to 50% of his.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 24, 2019)

I think of Colleen every Sunday and check this thread to see if she's posted again. She probably got tired of us piling on with un-asked-for advice when she stated that she was just venting.


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## Lc jones (Nov 24, 2019)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> I think of Colleen every Sunday and check this thread to see if she's posted again. She probably got tired of us piling on with un-asked-for advice when she stated that she was just venting.


I bet you are right


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## Catlady (Nov 24, 2019)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> I think of Colleen every Sunday and check this thread to see if she's posted again. She probably got tired of us piling on with un-asked-for advice when she stated that she was just venting.


Yeah, I'm dying to know how things are working out, has she put her foot down and claimed her territory/home?  Hope things are better for her.

I think it's a good idea for posters to state they're just venting, otherwise we can't blame responders to assume they're looking for solution ideas.


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## Lc jones (Nov 24, 2019)

PVC said:


> Yeah, I'm dying to know how things are working out, has she put her foot down and claimed her territory/home?  Hope things are better for her.
> 
> I think it's a good idea for posters to state they're just venting, otherwise we can't blame responders to assume they're looking for solution ideas.


Yes I agree I’m always trying to find solutions to problems for people I guess it comes from being a counselor for so many years.


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## Packerjohn (Nov 24, 2019)

This is a tough one but I figure that you are at your home which makes you the boss.  The step-daughter is your guest.  She should have some manners & behave herself.  Be sure to get your husband on your side regarding this problem, after all he married you & this daughter has grown up & left home years ago.  He is suppose to be loyal to you.  The daughter is only a guest.  Don't let her push you around, no matter how big she is or thinks she is.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 24, 2019)

PVC said:


> Yeah, I'm dying to know how things are working out, has she put her foot down and claimed her territory/home?  Hope things are better for her.
> 
> I think it's a good idea for posters to state they're just venting, otherwise we can't blame responders to assume they're looking for solution ideas.


She _did_ say she was venting!


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## Catlady (Nov 24, 2019)

GeorgiaXplant said:


> She _did_ say she was venting!


Oh, darn, my apologies!  She did say it =  "I'm just venting. Maybe it will help to say it to someone here that's not involved. " 

 I guess us posters just have this imperative desire to try to fix things, I know I would never let that crap go beyond the second time.


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## Lewkat (Nov 24, 2019)

Colleen with all you have written, I cannot fathom why you are still in this relationship.  You are the "biggest disappointment in his life?"  Well, that would have been "sayonara baby" for me.  I too, am an R.N. and I know I could get a job anywhere and be able to live independently today.  Totally puzzled by this.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Nov 24, 2019)

Lewkat said:


> I too, am an R.N. and I know I could get a job anywhere and be able to live independently today.  Totally puzzled by this.


Lewkat, Colleen didn't like nursing and pursued another career. It's not likely that she'd sign back up to do something she didn't like.


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