# How would you handle this? Do you think I'm doing the right thing?



## Ruth n Jersey (Oct 12, 2018)

A little background. Dear friends are now in a nursing home. They came to our home for family gatherings,holidays etc. In later years they had financial problems and health issues,one began to drink. Some people say their problems were due to poor choices. I don't past judgement and am not so sure how I would have ended up if I had been in their shoes. 

In later years we weren't invited to their home. I never minded. We had a great time when they visited. They had to move to a mobile home for financial reasons. The little family they had deserted them. 

Soon after they entered a nursing home which was right from the hospital, with no time to go back to their home, my friend called and asked if we would go and get a few valuables and items she really wanted. Photo albums,etc. 

Hubby and I went to their home. When we entered it was a hoarders home. We had no idea. Trash,food, clothing all over. The smell was over powering. There were many unopened boxes of items she bought. I guess she also was a compulsive buyer. 

She told us to take whatever we wanted. Most items were destroyed by cats they had and smelled of cat urine. I took a few items for myself and told her what I took. She was happy about that. She made no mention of what the place was like. I didn't either. 

Here is my problem. We also took a few things which I sold online. The first time I visited her I gave her the money. About $100.00. I kept nothing and told her it came from her items I had sold. She actually wanted me to keep the money but I didn't.

As the weeks went on we had phone conversations and because she has internet access, she told me she has been buying  stuff on Amazon. 

She soon will be on medicaid and probably won't have the smart phone for much longer. They only give them $45.00 a month spending money. All the rest goes to the nursing home and medical expenses.. 

She says she might as well buy now because soon she won't be able to. I now have about $200.00 more from items I sold. I have decided to not give it to her but spend it on her for items she might enjoy later on. Just last month I bought her fresh cherries that she loves. I don't want to tell her it is her money because she might want it now. She has a habit of gifting people money and even sent various organizations money.

Some family members say I should give it to her because it is hers to do with what she likes. A few tell me to keep the money for myself. This I refuse to do. 

What would you do? Am I doing the right thing?


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## Shalimar (Oct 12, 2018)

Absolutely you are doing the right thing, Ruth. Hoarding is a mental illness, and just like any other addiction, any money she has will go toward feeding it. Kind of you to go to the trouble of helping her. :love_heart:


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## hollydolly (Oct 12, 2018)

I agree with Shalimar, I would do exactly what you're doing now. You sound like a very honest caring friend.


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## Aunt Bea (Oct 12, 2018)

I would keep a detailed record of the money you have raised, what was sold, etc...

I would also be honest with the woman, offer to hold the money to buy things that she decides that she needs and keep the receipts.  If she chooses to take it all now I would give it to her and write up a little receipt for her to sign for your own protection.

This could turn sour quickly and end up under the heading of no good deed goes unpunished.

Good luck to you both.


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## Keesha (Oct 12, 2018)

I remember you telling us about this earlier and I think you are a caring, compassion person. You did a smart thing in the best of ‘their’ interests and not your own. Can’t fault that Ruth.


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## Keesha (Oct 12, 2018)

Yes, then there’s the famous ‘no good deed goes unpunished.’
Always keep records and protect yourself.


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## Trade (Oct 12, 2018)

You're a better person that I am. I think that after I saw the inside of their home I would have just opted out.


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## SeaBreeze (Oct 12, 2018)

Ruth n Jersey said:


> She told us to take whatever we wanted. Most items were destroyed by cats they had and smelled of cat urine. I took a few items for myself and told her what I took. She was happy about that. She made no mention of what the place was like. I didn't either.
> 
> Here is my problem. We also took a few things which I sold online. The first time I visited her I gave her the money. About $100.00. I kept nothing and told her it came from her items I had sold. She actually wanted me to keep the money but I didn't.
> 
> ...



Ruth, I think you are doing the right thing and actually are very kind to go above and beyond what's needed in helping out your friend. She already said that you should take whatever you wanted and she was happy you did.  You could have just sold the things as your own and kept the money, but you didn't, you're a special lady.

She already told you the first time to keep the money, but you insisted that she take it.  It's good of you to do all this to begin with, and if you do insist on her benefiting from the money made, you shouldn't enable her in her hoarding, that's for sure.  And if she would tend to throw the money out the window or give it to others, then it's really no value to all your effort so far.

The family members are wrong in my opinion, it's _not _her money, she told you to take the things you wanted so it's your money.  It's very generous of you to refuse to keep it yourself.  What you're doing is very smart and thoughtful.....we should all have friends like you. :love_heart:


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## Shalimar (Oct 12, 2018)

SeaBreeze said:


> Ruth, I think you are doing the right thing and actually are very kind to go above and beyond what's needed in helping out your friend. She already said that you should take whatever you wanted and she was happy you did.  You could have just sold the things as your own and kept the money, but you didn't, you're a special lady.
> 
> She already told you the first time to keep the money, but you insisted that she take it.  It's good of you to do all this to begin with, and if you do insist on her benefiting from the money made, you shouldn't enable her in her hoarding, that's for sure.  And if she would tend to throw the money out the window or give it to others, then it's really no value to all your effort so far.
> 
> The family members are wrong in my opinion, it's _not _her money, she told you to take the things you wanted so it's your money.  It's very generous of you to refuse to keep it yourself.  What you're doing is very smart and thoughtful.....we should all have friends like you. :love_heart:


Qft.


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## Sassycakes (Oct 13, 2018)

Ruth I think your friend is very lucky to have a friend like you in their life. Not  many people do. I believe you are doing the right thing by not giving her anymore money and occasionally bring her something she likes ,just like what you are doing with the cherries.


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## RadishRose (Oct 13, 2018)

Honestly, I would stop selling her things altogether.  

You're a great friend, Ruth.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Oct 13, 2018)

Actually RadishRose,I don't have to much left, the things that didn't sell I donated. I was more concerned about the money I did get so far and if I was doing the right thing.    





RadishRose said:


> Honestly, I would stop selling her things altogether.
> 
> You're a great friend, Ruth.


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## RadishRose (Oct 13, 2018)

Ruth n Jersey said:


> Actually RadishRose,I don't have to much left, the things that didn't sell I donated. I was more concerned about the money I did get so far and if I was doing the right thing.



Then, I agree, you're doing the right thing! :love_heart:


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## Trade (Oct 13, 2018)

Ruth n Jersey said:


> I was more concerned about the money I did get so far and if I was doing the right thing.



I would not keep the money. It just wouldn't feel right to me. If your friend wastes it, so be it.


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## Gary O' (Oct 13, 2018)

Ruth n Jersey said:


> She soon will be on medicaid and probably won't have the smart phone for much longer. _*They only give them $45.00 a month spending money*_. All the rest goes to the nursing home and medical expenses..



As _*dear friends*_, I'd consider hanging on to the proceeds until she was in that position.


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## hearlady (Oct 14, 2018)

I think you're doing the right thing Ruth.


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## Ronni (Oct 14, 2018)

Hoarding is a mental illness/addiction.  

Because it is, I'd be thinking with that first, and the friendship second.  Not enabling the addict is one of the most basic tenets, so selling her stuff and giving her the proceeds is doing just that.  

I've dealt with the serious addiction issues of one of my children, for 15+ years, and I am more grateful than I can say that he's in recovery currently, for 3+ years now, just for today.  So my take of this issue is entirely from the perspective of the loved one of an addict.  I didn't cause his addiction, can't change it, can't cure it.  So it is with all addictions.  Until the addict chooses recovery, they will find a way to do what they are addicted to regardless of the help, advice, direction, coercion or enforcement of their loved ones.  It's just a fact.  

Personally, I would opt out of that entire situation, taking nothing from your friend, and giving her nothing except your friendship.  And THAT is based on another basic tenet....loving detachment from any and all issues and problems surrounding the addict.  

Sorry.......I guess I'm preaching.  I don't mean to sound like that.  Just a lotta water under the bridge on this subject.


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## jujube (Oct 14, 2018)

I'll join the school of thought that Ruth is doing exactly the right thing.


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## Linda (Oct 14, 2018)

Ruth, I agree with how you are handling this whole situation.

Just to satisfy my own curiosity, what has happened to her house?  Is it still just sitting there going to rot?  What's become of her cats?  I sure feel sorry for her but probably she's going to be better off living in a facility.   You are a good friend.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Oct 14, 2018)

Linda, the day my friends hubby was  admitted to the hospital the ASPCA was notified and they were able to get into the mobile home and get the cats. My friends now have an appointed lawyer who is helping them get state aid to remain in the nursing home they live in now. 
Recently they were informed it would cost almost ten thousand to make the place livable so they could sell it. Obviously they don't have that kind of money. They were advised to stop paying the rent which they were way behind in anyway and the mobile home park has taken it over. Even though they lost much of their belonging it was a relief for them. 

When I visit them they seem happy and less stressed than I have seen them in years.

Thanks Linda and to all of you. Your input was important to me.


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## Linda (Oct 15, 2018)

Thanks for answering my questions Ruth.  I feel you and your friends have some closure on this situation now.


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