# 81-yr-old man has sex with a shrub!



## Ralphy1 (Jul 31, 2015)

He was caught naked in his yard by a neighbor who videoed the the act and then had him busted.  This took place in a town in CT and it makes one wonder what he did in the winter.  One also wonders if it was consensual...


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

The poor Bushes are STILL getting in trouble!


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## Warrigal (Jul 31, 2015)

Shoudda gone to Spec Savers :lofl:


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## Ralphy1 (Jul 31, 2015)

Hoping the video shows up on YouTube...nthego:


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

I guess he isn't going to be getting any wood for a while ...


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## Ken N Tx (Jul 31, 2015)

I hope he wore protection!!!..


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## Ralphy1 (Jul 31, 2015)

He probably had sprayed the shrub for diseases before indulging his desire for it...


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## Grumpy Ol' Man (Jul 31, 2015)

With the thread "75 is long enough to live?" still active, having sex with your lawn shrubs at 81 may validate that suggestion!

He had probably just listened to a tirade on Faux Noise about how all regulations having to do with clean air and water were "gubmint overreach".  When the commentator said, "If you're a Great American, screw the environment!"  He took it literally!

Many people talk to their plants.  Some may even lightly stroke their leaves.  Only a few take their "love" of plants to the point of consummating that love in public.

"Well, after mistaking a bottle of ****** for my blood pressure medicine I could either plow the garden or trim the hedge.  I chose the hedge!"


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## Warrigal (Jul 31, 2015)




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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

In jail he'll pick up the nickname "Lord Rubashrub"


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## Ralphy1 (Jul 31, 2015)

They have gardens in some prisons for rehab purposes, so he might fall in love again...


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

Let's hope he doesn't branch out ...


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## Ralphy1 (Jul 31, 2015)

No problem, there are so many attractive shrubs that he might have a harem...


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

Maybe his relationships will flower ...


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## Pappy (Jul 31, 2015)

I heard he found a beautiful "yew."


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## Ralphy1 (Jul 31, 2015)

Yes, and at least he won't be nagged about calling or writing more often...


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

No, he would just shrub it off anyway ...


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## Ralphy1 (Jul 31, 2015)

Hmm, well what about foreplay, perhaps a stiff watering...


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## Ken N Tx (Jul 31, 2015)

What else was he suppose to do for the next 4 hours???


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

Root around?


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## Ralphy1 (Jul 31, 2015)

Perhaps his hands were tired from too much trimming...


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## imp (Jul 31, 2015)

Fortunate then, no watermelon patch was around. The elderly often have difficulty getting back on their feet from a prone position.    imp


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2015)

Love has bloomed!


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2015)

He got to the root of the problem, eh Phil?


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2015)

What an uplifting conversation this has turned out to be, for some of you at least......


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

I suppose he could also be charged with stalking ...


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## WhatInThe (Jul 31, 2015)

SifuPhil said:


> No, he would just shrub it off anyway ...



LOL

Everyone needs to stop beating around 'the' bush, we know what this thread is about.


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

I wonder if, on their anniversary, he'll give his shrub an annual ring.


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2015)

Or perhaps some watered down drinks to help it get in the mood? Is this the beginning of a new phenomenon, the hortisexual? Lol.


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

"Horton Hears A Bloom"

Horton the Hortisexual
Wandered from his room
And why did Horton wander?
Well, he thought he heard a Bloom


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## WhatInThe (Jul 31, 2015)

I thought the bush was the one that is supposed to plant their seed.


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2015)

WhatInThe, HaHaHaHa. Perhaps this is not a straight bush.


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

Oh, culm, culm, now!


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## WhatInThe (Jul 31, 2015)

Better leaf this thread alone before someone gets in trouble.


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

You node it!


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2015)

Horton cont'd

Horton aspiring hortisexual,
fearing his point ineffectual,
made his bush swoon,
by offering to moon,
In a manner completely respectful.


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

Horton Pt. III

Do you like green leaves and bush?
Yes, I like green leaves and bush.
Do you like them in the rain?
In the rain and on the plain.
Try them, try them, you will see!
And then we'll try a poplar tree!


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## AZ Jim (Jul 31, 2015)

This smacks of the true meaning of "beating around the bush"!


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)




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## Sunny (Jul 31, 2015)

Sheesh, these Republicans are getting weirder and weirder!


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## Meanderer (Jul 31, 2015)




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## oakapple (Jul 31, 2015)

Hopefully this guy will be falling off the twig soon.


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2015)

Oakapple, good one! Lol.


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2015)

Phil, one of your green children???


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## Cookie (Jul 31, 2015)

I see there is now an offsprig!


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## imp (Jul 31, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Or perhaps some watered down drinks to help it get in the mood? Is this the beginning of a new phenomenon, the hortisexual? Lol.



Careful, I find that offensive!    imp


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## imp (Jul 31, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> WhatInThe, HaHaHaHa. Perhaps this is not a *straight* bush.



Use, again, of a term offensive to an entire large group of folks. See how easy it is to go astray?    imp


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## WhatInThe (Jul 31, 2015)

This is turning into a thorny issue.


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2015)

You bet, WhatInThe, some of us are definitely barking up the wrong tree! (bush.) lol.


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## Pappy (Jul 31, 2015)

Tangled with the wrong bush....


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## Cookie (Jul 31, 2015)

imp said:


> Use, again, of a term offensive to an entire large group of folks. See how easy it is to go astray?    imp



Here's a bush that needs to be pruned back.


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Phil, one of your green children???



Yes, one of many. Did I show you our nursery?


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## Falcon (Jul 31, 2015)

Hey,  "Any port in a storm" !


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## SifuPhil (Jul 31, 2015)

Falcon said:


> Hey,  "Any port in a storm" !



Or, obviously for this guy, "any shrub on the lawn".


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2015)

I dunno, Phil, I seem to be having difficulty keeping on board with all these new developments....


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2015)

Also, one must guard against becoming a stick-in-the-mud.


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## Falcon (Jul 31, 2015)

He thought he saw a beaver in there.


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## QuickSilver (Jul 31, 2015)

WTF???  please... explain to me HOW one has sex with  a plant...  Doesn't it scratch?


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## imp (Jul 31, 2015)

QuickSilver said:


> WTF???  please... explain to me HOW one has sex with  a plant...  Doesn't it scratch?



You would use a pussy-willow!   imp


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2015)

Perhaps that's the appeal? S&M organics????


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## mitchezz (Jul 31, 2015)

You are all so cruel. I am sure by now he is quite forlawn.


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## Falcon (Jul 31, 2015)

HMMMMMM.  Wonder if Home Depot's garden shop is still open.


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## QuickSilver (Jul 31, 2015)

Unless it's an ALoe plant... seems to me lubrication would be lacking.


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## Falcon (Jul 31, 2015)

There's always WD-40.


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## Pappy (Jul 31, 2015)

He heard that the bushes were covered in Miracle-Gro.


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2015)

Pappy, hahahahaha!


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## Underock1 (Jul 31, 2015)

SifuPhil said:


> View attachment 19982




:applause2:


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## Debby (Aug 1, 2015)

Grumpy Ol' Man said:


> With the thread "75 is long enough to live?" still active, having sex with your lawn shrubs at 81 may validate that suggestion!
> 
> He had probably just listened to a tirade on Faux Noise about how all regulations having to do with clean air and water were "gubmint overreach".  When the commentator said, "If you're a Great American, screw the environment!"  He took it literally!
> 
> ...




Your comment is so funny, first chuckle of the day!  Thanks Grumpy.


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## QuickSilver (Aug 1, 2015)

WEll....  I'd much rather old fools screw trees than animals...  It just crossed my FB page about an old man in Birmingham Alabama caught having sex with a pig in a Walmart bathroom.   Sick and disgusting..


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## SifuPhil (Aug 1, 2015)

It _is _sick and disgusting! 

Everyone knows that sex with a pig is MUCH better at Target!


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## Sunny (Aug 1, 2015)

I just have to add that this is the funniest thread I have ever seen, anywhere!


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## Shirley (Aug 1, 2015)

I'm wondering how he got a live pig into Walmart and into the bathroom.


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## QuickSilver (Aug 1, 2015)

Shirley said:


> I'm wondering how he got a live pig into Walmart and into the bathroom.



According to the article.. surveillance cameras caught him sneaking in the loading dock carrying the pig..   Here's the story.

http://now8news.com/alabama-man-caught-having-sex-with-pig-in-walmart-bathroom/


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## Shalimar (Aug 1, 2015)

A whole new dimension to the word pork....


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## Pappy (Aug 1, 2015)

Never tell a pig a secret.........they'll squeal on you every time. Bada boom.


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## AZ Jim (Aug 1, 2015)

Shirley said:


> I'm wondering how he got a live pig into Walmart and into the bathroom.



I'll give ya a hint, she had only two legs and was named Irene.


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## Shirley (Aug 1, 2015)

Ohhhhhhh! I think I know her. :badgirl:


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## AZ Jim (Aug 1, 2015)

Shirley said:


> Ohhhhhhh! I think I know her. :badgirl:



If she owes ya any money, she just picked up $5 at Walmart.


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## ndynt (Aug 1, 2015)

Grumpy Ol' Man said:


> With the thread "75 is long enough to live?" still active, having sex with your lawn shrubs at 81 may validate that suggestion!"


This thread really brought out a lot of humor, you all are really funny...and to think I almost passed it by.   Now tell me what thread is the "75 long enough"?  Missed that one and search does not turn it up.


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## AZ Jim (Aug 1, 2015)

The real problem was the shrub was under age.


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## Pappy (Aug 1, 2015)

AZ Jim said:


> I'll give ya a hint, she had only two legs and was named Irene.




I remember her. I went out on a limb for her.


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## SifuPhil (Aug 1, 2015)

AZ Jim said:


> The real problem was the shrub was under age.



(A) Candy in the (B) flower of her youth.


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## AZ Jim (Aug 1, 2015)

And after it he mutters the immortal phrase...."Was it good for you,  honey?"


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## Falcon (Aug 1, 2015)

She:  If he only knew I was faking it.


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## Grumpy Ol' Man (Aug 1, 2015)

QuickSilver said:


> According to the article.. surveillance cameras caught him sneaking in the loading dock carrying the pig..   Here's the story.
> 
> http://now8news.com/alabama-man-caught-having-sex-with-pig-in-walmart-bathroom/



Customers had heard "loud squealing" coming from the restroom.  Yet, nothing was investigated until the young boy went in to use the restroom and caught someone porking a pig.  Imagine this kid's "interesting" stories he tries to tell to classmates when school is back in session.  Or, the teacher asks "Johnny, what did you do for excitement this summer?"  "Well, Teach.  I walked in to this restroom at WalMart....."
The WalMart employee runs into the restroom, breaks down the stall door, grabs the pig, and knocks the "pig porker" unconscious.  Then he calls the police.  I never remember any scenes like this with our old west heroes like the Lone Ranger, Roy Rogers, etc.  Guess they should have looked in the WalMart restrooms of the Old West to find the bad guys.
Once the "pigperpetrator" is locked up, the cops try to take the pig back to the guy's wife.  "Here's your husband's girl friend.  We're just gonna drop her off here for you to bathe, feed, and put a ribbon on her tail."  The wife refuses to turn her pig pen into a pig pen.  Can't really blame her.  After all, those WalMart restrooms aren't always the cleanest........ 
The offender is charged with cruelty to animals.  The WalMart employee "rescued" the pig.  I don't see where anyone interviewed the pig to find out if the squeals were simply snorts of satisfaction... oinks of orgasm.


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## Pappy (Aug 1, 2015)

I hope poor Johnny didn't have to do a show and tell for school.


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## mitchezz (Aug 1, 2015)

Is this a joke?

If it's true I can't see anything funny about it at all. Sounds like the pig may have been abused for some time. Disgusting.


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## Warrigal (Aug 1, 2015)

Relax mitchezz, it's not true. The pig story that is. 
Don't know about the shrubbery violation, but I have my suspicions about that too.



> This story was widely circulating on Facebook in the last couple of days with users not realizing it was from a fake news source.
> 
> Unlike many fake news sites, _Now 8 News_ doesn’t really denote the true nature of its content anywhere on the web page, and since crazier things have happened, you get a pass if you were one of the ones who shared it.
> 
> ...


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## mitchezz (Aug 1, 2015)

Thanks DW, I'm glad it's just a case of me falling for a story........I really felt awful for that little pig!


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## Warrigal (Aug 1, 2015)

It would appear that the crazy old man in the hedge is true though. And completely starkers to boot.


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## chic (Aug 2, 2015)

mitchezz said:


> Thanks DW, I'm glad it's just a case of me falling for a story........I really felt awful for that little pig!



What about the poor shrub? It's been prickling ever since.


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## Grumpy Ol' Man (Aug 2, 2015)

Dame Warrigal said:


> Relax mitchezz, it's not true. The pig story that is.
> Don't know about the shrubbery violation, but I have my suspicions about that too.


I 

What a relief.  I can now go cook my bacon for breakfast, knowing the pig it came from was not deflowered in a WalMart bathroom.  Today is already brighter!!


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## Pappy (Aug 2, 2015)

The next day, he went looking for a "hot" bush and made the mistake on turning down this road.


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## QuickSilver (Aug 2, 2015)

Unfortunately sex with pigs, dog.. cats and even chickens happens all the time and is a horrific form of animal abuse....  I can post pictures of dogs with their anuses and vaginas ripped wide open and their intestines hanging out of their hind ends..  Want to see them?   So... if the PIG and walmart story is not true... and that may be the case...  DO NOT think that animal rape. ie beastiality does not happen all the time..   In fact.. it is legal in Denmark.. where dogs are tied up so they cannot move or fight back while men perform sodomy...

I would hate that a false story make you think that things like this do not happen. and that you can "relax"  because it is seen all the time at the shelter.


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## Warrigal (Aug 2, 2015)

It appears that you are absolutely correct QuickSilver. It only to a very rudimentary Google search to find this link. Don't look if it will upset you.



Spoiler



http://news.vin.com/vinnews.aspx?articleId=35718

This is the bit that is most astonishing:_****** contact with animals is banned throughout most of the United States except: Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, Kentucky, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Texas, Vermont, Washington, D.C., West Virginia and Wyoming, according to a listing compiled in 2014 by Michigan State University's Animal Legal & Historical Center.  
_​_"Regardless of the philosophical platform from which one views the activity, bestiality is criminally sanctioned in a majority of states," the Animal Legal & Historical Center said. "Even if a state does not specifically proscribe the activity, it may be covered under other aspects of a state’s sex crimes code or even a broader animal cruelty law."_

Apparently when sodomy laws were taken off the statutes, as a side effect, so was bestiality.


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## QuickSilver (Aug 2, 2015)

I have seen too much.. and will not look at the pics... DW...  but thank you for posting them.  Too many times jokes are made about bestiality.. seems some folks find it funny...  but it is horrific and it IS RAPE...  an animal cannot consent to sex with a human... and the physical damage forced on these poor souls is disgusting..


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## Ken N Tx (Aug 2, 2015)

ndynt said:


> This thread really brought out a lot of humor, you all are really funny...and to think I almost passed it by.   Now tell me what thread is the "75 long enough"?  Missed that one and search does not turn it up.



CLICK HERE


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## Warrigal (Aug 2, 2015)

QuickSilver said:


> I have seen too much.. and will not look at the pics... DW...  but thank you for posting them.  Too many times jokes are made about bestiality.. seems some folks find it funny...  but it is horrific and it IS RAPE...  an animal cannot consent to sex with a human... and the physical damage forced on these poor souls is disgusting..



 There are no pictures except for one that is not too distressing.


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## mitchezz (Aug 2, 2015)

It's easy to make a joke without taking into account what is actually at stake. I have laughed at jokes about Kiwis and sheep but I won't be anymore now that I've given it some serious thought.

Will just have to go back to laughing about their sixy accents.


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## QuickSilver (Aug 2, 2015)

Sorry I brought a funny thread into serious territory...  Let's just stick to talking about sex with trees and shrubs...


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## Warrigal (Aug 2, 2015)

Don't apologise QS. I had no idea of the extent of this problem.


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## QuickSilver (Aug 2, 2015)

Dame Warrigal said:


> Don't apologise QS. I had no idea of the extent of this problem.



Yes..   I have personally sponsored a chocolate Lab who was found wondering in the street limping and in terrible pain..  The vet figured out the problem immediately when she looked at his bottom..  He had been routinely anally raped and was torn and bruised.  His tail was broken way up at the top as that was where the POS held him to sodomize him...  He had to have surgery to repair his rectum and had to have his tail amputated up at the very top vertebrae..to ease pressure on his spinal cord causing him to dribble urine.     He was finally adopted by a loving family and now lives a very happy life in Florida..  HE was on of the lucky ones to survive this torture.


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## ndynt (Aug 2, 2015)

Ken N Tx said:


> CLICK HERE


Thank you so much Ken.   I really enjoyed reading it...


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## chic (Aug 3, 2015)

QuickSilver said:


> Yes.. I have personally sponsored a chocolate Lab who was found wondering in the street limping and in terrible pain.. The vet figured out the problem immediately when she looked at his bottom.. He had been routinely anally raped and was torn and bruised. His tail was broken way up at the top as that was where the POS held him to sodomize him... He had to have surgery to repair his rectum and had to have his tail amputated up at the very top vertebrae..to ease pressure on his spinal cord causing him to dribble urine. He was finally adopted by a loving family and now lives a very happy life in Florida.. HE was on of the lucky ones to survive this torture.



OMG what a disturbing story. I'm so relieved to learn the dog is now enjoying a loving life in his forever home.


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