# Trip of a lifetime with parents has gone sour!



## Werdna (Jun 1, 2021)

Hello everyone,

I'm looking for an outside perspective. I have long had a minimal relationship with my parents; nothing massive has taken place, but we just have very different perspectives on the world. We have different politics, values, likes and dislikes and we have learned to keep a list of things that are off the table. I often feel like I am walking on eggshells but accept that this is all part and parcel of making an important relationship work.

Some context; they live in the country around 5 hours away, I live in London with my partner. They are in their late 70's, I'm in my early 40's. There are no grandchildren involved. I am the only child of my Mum and Dad but they each have sons and daughters from previous marriages, none of which I, or in fairness, they are particularly close to.

My Mum has always been talking about wanting to go to New York, they have never been outside of Europe. My partner is actually from there and his Mum lives there, so there is a nice connection. In 2019, I booked and paid for a trip there for last year for us all, I thought it would be the trip of a lifetime. My Mum seemed really happy about the trip, or so I thought. Covid since hit of course and the trip hasn't happened, but now with vaccinations, we are hopefully able to think about going in 2022.

A month or so ago my Dad told me that Mum and he couldn't do this trip as they couldn't face long haul travel with their mobility and various health concerns. They go to Greece on a package holiday and Spain with the caravan each year, although not in 2020 for obvious reasons, they are going later in 2021. I explained that I understood but we could fit the trip around their abilities and that it wouldn't be any more onerous than the holidays they go on each year.

The window to rebook opened and I asked my Dad whether they definitely didn't want to go, not going was not a problem as the airline would reassign the tickets to my partner and myself to use for another trip, but that if they can manage the trip to Greece or Spain, this wouldn't be any more challenging for them physically.

This is where things seem to have turned sour; I didn't hear from my Dad for an unusually long time. I called at the weekend and he was immediately very stand-offish, and claimed my Mum wasn't in to talk to me. My Mum very rarely leaves the house on her own, in fact I have never heard of it in the last 5 years.

I asked what I was doing with the tickets, as once I had made the name changes there was no way back, and I was essentially told that I had no right to make any comparisons with the holidays to Spain or Greece they go on and that we 'shouldn't be having this conversation' (when I suggested we could fit the trip around their needs and abilities, and it would be with my partner's Mum who is in her early 80's). The impression I got was that it is extremely offensive to draw any comparisons with what they do at the moment vs. this trip.

In fairness, I did then say that I wish I hadn't booked the trip, which probably didn't help, and my Dad then hung up on me which is the first time that has happened. 

I am left scratching my head how things have ended up here. I booked what I had hoped would be a trip of a lifetime, after my Mum mentioned it several times over some years, tried to make assurances we would fit the trip around their pace, and it has blown up in my face. I am just really confused how what was intended to be a memorable holiday has now ended up in them seemingly taking huge offence.

Looking at it from their perspective, I do appreciate that there is a loss of control when someone else books a holiday, which they may be uncomfortable with at their age. They may also worry that the holiday would be more taxing than what it really would be.

The part I am most struggling with though is the fact that I have unwittingly caused this upset (and it is genuinely unintentional, I thought they would really enjoy the trip) and my Dad didn't tell me. Instead they sat on the matter and stewed, which resulted in his outburst where he put the 'phone down on me.

The money side of things is not a consideration. As it happens, there was no problem reassigning the tickets, but even if that couldn't happen, I wouldn't care. I was more concerned with this apparent lifelong dream of my Mum's going unfulfilled but I am now starting to think that I misunderstood them terribly and they never actually wanted to go in the first place.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 1, 2021)

Hi, Werdna.

In my opinion, your parents don't feel up to the trip. How a trip to NY compares to their excursions to Greece and Spain does not matter. To them, the NY trip feels more like a challenge than a dream at this point. Everything you said after "Looking at it from their perspective," is correct.

My advice is to enjoy your trips. Tell your parents you apologize if you made them feel pressured or offended, and that you certainly didn't intend to, and then let it go.


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## Werdna (Jun 1, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Hi, Werdna.
> 
> In my opinion, your parents don't feel up to the trip. How a trip to NY compares to their excursions to Greece and Spain does not matter. To them, the NY trip feels more like a challenge than a dream at this point. Everything you said after "Looking at it from their perspective," is correct.
> 
> My advice is to enjoy your trips. Tell your parents you apologize if you made them feel pressured or offended, and that you certainly didn't intend to, and then let it go.



Thanks for the quick reply, and yes it seems this is the best approach. I still don't understand what has materially changed since they were so happy to go on the trip, but I have to accept that it's their view that matters not mine with this particular issue.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 1, 2021)

Werdna said:


> Thanks for the quick reply, and yes it seems this is the best approach. I still don't understand what has materially changed since they were so happy to go on the trip, but I have to accept that it's their view that matters not mine with this particular issue.


I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you'll probably know exactly what changed for them in about 25-30 years.


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## Werdna (Jun 1, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you'll probably know exactly what changed for them in about 25-30 years.


I'm sure, but that doesn't help me understand them today does it!


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## Murrmurr (Jun 1, 2021)

Werdna said:


> I'm sure, but that doesn't help me understand them today does it!


Yikes!

No, I suppose not, but let it go and all will be well.


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## Keesha (Jun 1, 2021)

Werdna said:


> Thanks for the quick reply, and yes it seems this is the best approach. I still don't understand what has materially changed since they were so happy to go on the trip, but I have to accept that it's their view that matters not mine with this particular issue.


I agree with Murrmurr. Although they are your parents and you seem to have good intentions, you may wish to consider diminished mental capacity. Parents behaviour can change suddenly if they don’t want you knowing how much they are slipping away in their cognitive functioning and they ‘might’ try to hide it by withdrawing.

They may have changed their mind due to Covid.

They may be worried about it permanently changing your relationship if things don’t go well like a health emergency.

Who knows? 

You might never figure this out but I sincerely think you should do your best to let this go. It must be really disappointing to you but I’d try my best to focus on other things. 
Maybe pick some friends to go with you or sell the tickets.

I know this is difficult but try not to take this personally.


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## Werdna (Jun 1, 2021)

Keesha said:


> I agree with Murrmurr. Although they are your parents and you seem to have good intentions, you may wish to consider diminished mental capacity. Parents behaviour can change suddenly if they don’t want you knowing how much they are slipping away in their cognitive functioning and they ‘might’ try to hide it by withdrawing.
> 
> They may have changed their mind due to Covid.
> 
> ...


 
Thanks, yes I did think of this. I get the feeling that something might have worsened health-wise and they haven't told me. It's a shame but I will move on after reading the numerous opinions here, I just needed an outsider to offer some perspective. We can use the tickets to see my partner's Mum in NJ and his sister in Arizona so there's no problem there, maybe I just feel sad that my Mum may never get to see NY as she wanted to, but that is her call of course.


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## Tish (Jun 1, 2021)

Hi, Werdna.

It seems like a total misunderstanding, don't take his rejection too hard.
IMHO I think because they are a bit concerned about the pandemic or something else.
Go enjoy your trip with a clear conscience.


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## Keesha (Jun 1, 2021)

I think it’s a healthier attitude / mindset for ‘you.’ You can’t change them.


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## Pinky (Jun 1, 2021)

My daughter has been wanting to take me on a trip to Hawaii for some time now. I keep telling her that I don't feel up to taking such a trip, but she continues to persist. I have travelled a fair bit, and am done with long flights (I'm 73). I also don't do well in the heat, and no longer can do a lot of walking. I know her heart is in a good place, as she knows Hawaii has been on my bucket list for decades.

You are a good daughter. I'm sure your parents appreciate your generous offer, but it sounds like they don't want to go on this trip.

Yes .. let it go.


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## hollydolly (Jun 1, 2021)

Welcome...

In the country 5 hours from London?... they must be in Devon or cornwall presuming they're further South west  and not north


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## Werdna (Jun 1, 2021)

Pinky said:


> My daughter has been wanting to take me on a trip to Hawaii for some time now. I keep telling her that I don't feel up to taking such a trip, but she continues to persist. I have travelled a fair bit, and am done with long flights (I'm 73). I also don't do well in the heat, and no longer can do a lot of walking. I know her heart is in a good place, as she knows Hawaii has been on my bucket list for decades.
> 
> You are a good daughter. I'm sure your parents appreciate your generous offer, but it sounds like they don't want to go on this trip.
> 
> Yes .. let it go.


Fair enough. I’m a son by the way, not that it makes any difference!


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## Werdna (Jun 1, 2021)

hollydolly said:


> Welcome...
> 
> In the country 5 hours from London?... they must be in Devon or cornwall presuming they're further South west  and not north


 
Correct, they are in Devon.


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## Pinky (Jun 1, 2021)

Werdna said:


> Fair enough. I’m a son by the way, not that it makes any difference!


My apologies .. could not tell by your name.

You are a good son


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## Keesha (Jun 1, 2021)

Werdna said:


> Fair enough. I’m a son by the way, not that it makes any difference!


You are a good son. It’s a very generous offer and I’m sure they appreciate  it regardless .


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## helenbacque (Jun 1, 2021)

Old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished."  Cynical but often true.

And welcome to the forum.  Enjoy.


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## Tish (Jun 1, 2021)




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## Giantsfan1954 (Jun 1, 2021)

This could be a blessing in disguise.
NYC is an absolute train wreck at this time, between the Covid closures, the inability to fill jobs because of the extended unemployment and the 81% rise in crime due to the bail reform, anything less than murder or rape and the criminals walk.
I wouldn’t subject my elderly parents to that place right now and I was born there!


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