# Is it selfish of me to want to receive cards or gifts for my birthday and Mother’s Day?



## MLynn (May 10, 2021)

I have two sons and two daughters, their spouses and 10 grandchildren.  I have been very involved in all their lives and never forget a birthday present or Christmas gift.  In fact in years past I grew flower baskets and gave them to my kids on Mother’s Day.  My hurt is I seldom receive anything on my birthday or mother’s day.  This year my 41 year old daughter bought her sister/sister-in-law surprise Mother’s Day gifts, I saw on Facebook.  My oldest son (43) got flower baskets for all the women in his life excluding me.  My children are very caring thoughtful people I don’t think they have a clue how hurt I am.  Should I be?


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## MrPants (May 10, 2021)

I'd be upset too. Your kids should know what kind of person you are and that you appreciate a card or gift when appropriate. Some people don't care much about that stuff but others do and there's nothing wrong with that. They should be recognized but their children on mother's day and birthdays.
You say your kids are caring and thoughtful people. Their actions toward you don't indicate that to me.

It's kind of an odd situation though. If you came out and told them and they started showering you with gifts and cards after that .... would that not maybe feel a little hollow? I don't know. Tough situation.
Sorry your Mother's Day wasn't what you had hoped


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## SeaBreeze (May 10, 2021)

MLynn said:


> I have two sons and two daughters, their spouses and 10 grandchildren.  I have been very involved in all their lives and never forget a birthday present or Christmas gift.  In fact in years past I grew flower baskets and gave them to my kids on Mother’s Day.  My hurt is I seldom receive anything on my birthday or mother’s day.  This year my 41 year old daughter bought her sister/sister-in-law surprise Mother’s Day gifts, I saw on Facebook.  My oldest son (43) got flower baskets for all the women in his life excluding me.  My children are very caring thoughtful people I don’t think they have a clue how hurt I am.  Should I be?


I don't blame you for feeling hurt, I would feel that way too.  Since this seems to be ongoing, have you ever told your sons or your daughters how you feel about this?  If so, what was their response?  By the way, welcome to the forum, and a late Happy Mother's Day to you!


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## Keesha (May 10, 2021)

You have every right to be upset. You should be acknowledged as their mother and what better way to do that than Mother’s Day. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It must feel horrible. Since I’m not a human mom, I’ll leave this for others to comment on.
Welcome to our site. I hope you enjoy your stay.


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## Keesha (May 10, 2021)

I goofed


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## Keesha (May 10, 2021)

Happy Mother’s Day


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## jujube (May 10, 2021)

Yes, you have every right to be upset. I'd be upset, too.


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## MLynn (May 10, 2021)

MrPants said:


> I'd be upset too. Your kids should know what kind of person you are and that you appreciate a card or gift when appropriate. Some people don't care much about that stuff but others do and there's nothing wrong with that. They should be recognized but their children on mother's day and birthdays.
> You say your kids are caring and thoughtful people. Their actions toward you don't indicate that to me.
> 
> It's kind of an odd situation though. If you came out and told them and they started showering you with gifts and cards after that .... would that not maybe feel a little hollow? I don't know. Tough situation.
> Sorry your Mother's Day wasn't what you had hoped


You are correct, I wouldn’t like it much if they started showering me with gifts, so I’ll keep quiet.


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## MLynn (May 10, 2021)

Thank you Keesha!


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## Keesha (May 10, 2021)

MLynn said:


> Thank you Keesha!


You’re most welcome.
I agree with MrPants. If you talked with them and they started showering you with gifts, it could make things more uncomfortable. You could  ask your daughter what gifts she bought but then you’d have to be prepared for the answer. Perhaps showing interest in getting gifts might help some. Maybe your kids don’t think you want anything from them or maybe they think you don’t like getting gifts. Sometimes opening that can of worms makes things worse, sometimes it opens up communication and helps. Only you’d know this.


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## Jules (May 10, 2021)

MLynn said:


> so I’ll keep quiet.



That’s not going to solve your hurt.  Ask them nicely why you’ve been left out of their thoughts.  Maybe they think you don’t want anything.


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## Pecos (May 10, 2021)

I ask my adult children to not give me anything at all other than a phone call, a card, or a text. We have too much stuff already, their taste is not that great, and I would prefer that they save for their retirement.
But I do enjoy some kind of acknowledgement.


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## Keesha (May 11, 2021)

Pecos said:


> I ask my adult children to not give me anything at all other than a phone call, a card, or a text. We have too much stuff already, their taste is not that great, and I would prefer that they save for their retirement.
> But I do enjoy some kind of acknowledgement.


Their taste is not that great? 
Good enough! Lol That’s actually funny but what a great attitude to have.


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## terry123 (May 11, 2021)

I would be hurt also.  But I think I would start not remembering their special events.  Maybe a card but no gifts anymore for their birthdays or holidays.  If asked I would just say I was following their lead.  Welcome to the board.


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## Aunt Bea (May 11, 2021)

It's completely normal to feel disappointed. 

I wouldn't mention it but I agree with @terry123 that maybe it's time to cut back and focus your attention on the grandchildren or on your close friends.


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## Gary O' (May 11, 2021)

MLynn said:


> My children are very caring thoughtful people I don’t think they have a clue how hurt I am. Should I be?


Durn tootin' you should be.



MrPants said:


> It's kind of an odd situation though. If you came out and told them and they started showering you with gifts and cards after that .... would that not maybe feel a little hollow?


Yeah, that hardly ever heals things



MLynn said:


> This year my 41 year old daughter bought her sister/sister-in-law surprise Mother’s Day gifts, I saw on Facebook. My oldest son (43) got flower baskets for all the women in his life


Might I suggest you graciously comment on how lovely those gifts for the other mothers were......


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## Gary O' (May 11, 2021)

MLynn said:


> I have two sons and two daughters, their spouses and 10 grandchildren. I have been very involved in all their lives and never forget a birthday present or Christmas gift. In fact in years past I grew flower baskets and gave them to my kids on Mother’s Day. My hurt is I seldom receive anything on my birthday or mother’s day.


Not to beat this to death, but;



Pecos said:


> I ask my adult children to not give me anything at all other than a phone call, a card, or a text. *We have too much stuff already,* their taste is not that great, and I would prefer that they save for their retirement.
> But I do enjoy some kind of acknowledgement.


That's where I'm at.
I pretty much* HATE *other people's taste
And, yeah, 'too much stuff'
Call me, text me, send me something to eat

Now...back to the issue;
Do they, in any way, acknowledge you're existence on the holidays?
Not doing* THAT* is gross negligence. 

But

If they do, then you should be happy with that 

If it were me, I'd send 'em a card on the holidays and birthdays

In it, I'd just say* 'I'M STILL ALIVE, YOU INGRATES'*
and giggle my hind end off

But

That's me


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## Judycat (May 11, 2021)

Children tend to take us moms for granted unless we actively let them know what it is we want. I would have commented,  "Where's my flower basket Sonny?"   You are his mom after all. No use suffering alone. My youngest son would have said, I didn't think you wanted one. You could still do that by the way. Be direct and don't go on about how it hurt you.


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## Ronni (May 11, 2021)

Looks like I’m the odd man out here but that’s not unusual for me.  

I won’t deny I enjoy when I get a phone call, card or gift for Mother’s Day, birthday etc, but it’s not something I’m focused on. I don’t feel slighted or ignored if it doesn’t happen, or wonder why this child or that didn’t call etc. I just don’t think about it. 

We’re a very close family. I have 5 kids, 4 of whom live close by with their families, and we’re always getting together for birthdays, seasonal events, “just because” type gatherings etc. My oldest lives across the country in CA with his wife and kids and we call, FaceTime etc frequently and at least before Covid he would fly me out to visit with them a couple times a year, take me on vacations with them etc. Because of that closeness with all the kids and grands I’ve just never felt any need for extra attention on any specific day. 

It would make me feel uncomfortable to think that my kids are paying me those special tributes out of some sense of obligation or a “now I’m supposed to” attitude rather than genuine feelings of love and affection. I so much prefer the authentic closeness I feel with them on a regular basis when we get together, or randomly chat during the course of our day.  I’ll take that over any artificially or commercially generated reason for them to let me know they’re thinking of me.


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## Morningglory (May 11, 2021)

MLynn said:


> I have two sons and two daughters, their spouses and 10 grandchildren.  I have been very involved in all their lives and never forget a birthday present or Christmas gift.  In fact in years past I grew flower baskets and gave them to my kids on Mother’s Day.  My hurt is I seldom receive anything on my birthday or mother’s day.  This year my 41 year old daughter bought her sister/sister-in-law surprise Mother’s Day gifts, I saw on Facebook.  My oldest son (43) got flower baskets for all the women in his life excluding me.  My children are very caring thoughtful people I don’t think they have a clue how hurt I am.  Should I be?


YesI feel your pain 4 children 1 deceased  got bday flowers from 1daughter no Mother's Day


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## Morningglory (May 11, 2021)

Did get phone call on Mothers day


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## grahamg (May 11, 2021)

MLynn said:


> I have two sons and two daughters, their spouses and 10 grandchildren.  I have been very involved in all their lives and never forget a birthday present or Christmas gift.  In fact in years past I grew flower baskets and gave them to my kids on Mother’s Day.  My hurt is I seldom receive anything on my birthday or mother’s day.  This year my 41 year old daughter bought her sister/sister-in-law surprise Mother’s Day gifts, I saw on Facebook.  My oldest son (43) got flower baskets for all the women in his life excluding me.  My children are very caring thoughtful people I don’t think they have a clue how hurt I am.  Should I be?


I'm with you on this one too but am scratching my head as to whether I always remembered my own mothers birthday by giving a card and/or gift(?)


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## mellowyellow (May 12, 2021)

Mother's day and your birthday must be painful MLynne, so sorry that is happening to you, my only suggestion would be to back off until someone has the sensitivity to ask you "is there something wrong?"  And then tell them why.


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## katlupe (May 12, 2021)

No, it is not selfish to want your children to remember you, their mother. I kind of know the feeling since my adult son is disabled and does not even know when mother's day or my birthday is. I know he does not do it on purpose, but I did feel hurt when he first stopped remembering me on those days. He lives close by and comes here almost daily, so he could at least say Happy Mother's Day or something, but just does not know what day it is. I don't mention it to him and now I have grown used to it so I don't feel hurt anymore. In your situation I would stop sending them gifts and cards and see if they notice. The fact that they do for others on Mother's Day and not their own mother is puzzling as to why.

Welcome to our forum! Glad to have you here.


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## Aneeda72 (May 12, 2021)

My husband has NEVER give me a Mother’s Day gift or card. He even refuses to say Happy Mother Days since our last child left home.  He says “I am not his mother”.  Of course, he has only ever bought any presents for any holiday or my BD at the insistence of the children when they were younger.  He’s always been a jerk.

After decades of this behavior, 4 years ago, I decided to stop doing things for him as well on holidays.  But my children always get me Mother’s Day stuff, BD, and Xmas.  I would follow @Judycat advice.


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## officerripley (May 12, 2021)

A co-worker who just adores her 2 sons--and I hear they are truly great guys--told me that she never got even birthday or Mother's Day *cards*, let alone gifts from either until they got married so she knew darn well it was their wives getting them to do it.


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## Sassycakes (May 12, 2021)

*It might sound like I am crazy, but I really don't enjoy getting gifts. A card or a phone call is what I love.My 3 grandchildren called me and so did my daughter. My son's ex-wife called me. The only one that didn't wish me a Happy Mother's day was my son. His girlfriend doesn't like the fact that I am still in touch with my son's ex-wife and has made my dumb son ignore me, or she will get mad at him. My son is being stupid.*


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## AprilSun (May 12, 2021)

No, you're not feeling selfish. You're probably feeling left out. I know I would if my kids treated me this way.


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## Jules (May 12, 2021)

Gary O' said:


> That's where I'm at.
> I pretty much* HATE *other people's taste
> And, yeah, 'too much stuff'
> *Call me, text me, *send me something to eat


That’s all I want for any occasion. It took a while to drill it into their heads.  

OP, did they all mistakenly get the impression that you don’t want anything?


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## OneEyedDiva (May 12, 2021)

I don't blame you for feeling hurt considering the circumstances you've described. Omitting you from the gift giving...particularly on Mother's Day is unfathomable to me. I'd be one to express my feelings about the matter.


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## MLynn (May 13, 2021)

Jules said:


> That’s all I want for any occasion. It took a while to drill it into their heads.
> 
> OP, did they all mistakenly get the impression that you don’t want anything?


I’m wondering that also....I also have to much stuff and am always giving stuff away.  But I never have to many plants.


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## Mr. Ed (May 13, 2021)

I guess my question is do you think you deserve special treatment, on what merit? Actually, life is good without expectations.


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## Jules (May 13, 2021)

Mr. Ed said:


> I guess my question is do you think you deserve special treatment, on what merit? Actually, life is good without expectations.


Why shouldn’t a mother deserve some attention on special occasions?  Did you read the original post?


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## Mr. Ed (May 13, 2021)

got flower baskets for all the women in his life excluding me. My children are very caring, thoughtful people I don’t think they have a clue how hurt I am. Should I be?


Can't control the actions of other people. I'm sorry that your family is insensitive for what you do for them. Ultimately, you decide if it is worthwhile to address these things to them but prepare yourself for the consequences. 

From what you shared with us your situation certainly doesn't seem fair to you.


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## MLynn (May 13, 2021)

Mr. Ed said:


> I guess my question is do you think you deserve special treatment, on what merit? Actually, life is good without expectations.


Thank you for asking that question, it’s very thought provoking. Yes and No is the answer.  I think I’m a pretty good mom, but I’m an exceptional grandma. I partnered with my kids to help them raise their kids.  There isn’t much I wouldn’t or haven’t done for my kids and grandkids.  On the other hand everything that I have done I was happy to do.  So maybe you’re right if I didn't have expectations I wouldn’t have hurt feelings.


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## caroln (May 16, 2021)

MLynn said:


> Thank you for asking that question, it’s very thought provoking. Yes and No is the answer.  I think I’m a pretty good mom, but I’m an exceptional grandma. I partnered with my kids to help them raise their kids.  There isn’t much I wouldn’t or haven’t done for my kids and grandkids.  On the other hand everything that I have done I was happy to do.  So maybe you’re right if I didn't have expectations I wouldn’t have hurt feelings.


What's wrong with having the expectation of your children showing you how much they care about you by sending a card or flowers on Mother's Day or your birthday?  You raised them, help out with the grandkids, etc.  You do a lot, and I think expecting them to honor you at least twice a year isn't too much to ask.  Don't become a doormat by expecting nothing from your children.


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## grahamg (May 16, 2021)

caroln said:


> What's wrong with having the expectation of your children showing you how much they care about you by sending a card or flowers on Mother's Day or your birthday?  You raised them, help out with the grandkids, etc.  You do a lot, and I think expecting them to honor you at least twice a year isn't too much to ask.  Don't become a doormat by expecting nothing from your children.


Well, well, well, where have you been all my life, (or at least almost every discussion, or "dust up" about decent parents and grandparents, what promotes their involvement and what precludes it!)?


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## Verisure (May 16, 2021)

MLynn said:


> *I have two sons and two daughters, their spouses and 10 grandchildren. I have been very involved in all their lives and never forget a birthday present or Christmas gift. In fact in years past I grew flower baskets and gave them to my kids on Mother’s Day. My hurt is I seldom receive anything on my birthday or mother’s day. This year my 41 year old daughter bought her sister/sister-in-law surprise Mother’s Day gifts, I saw on Facebook. My oldest son (43) got flower baskets for all the women in his life excluding me. My children are very caring thoughtful people I don’t think they have a clue how hurt I am. Should I be?* Is it selfish of me to want to receive cards or gifts for my birthday and Mother’s Day?​


Yes. If you do something nice for someone it isn't *nice *at all if you expect something in return.


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## grahamg (May 16, 2021)

Verisure said:


> Yes. If you do something nice for someone it isn't *nice *at all if you expect something in return.


There are saints around, no doubt about that, and I accept what you're saying about not expecting something back when you give someone a present, but this is a bit different don't you think than being treated in the way described in the OP by those you love, and have done all you could for all their lives?


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## Keesha (May 17, 2021)

Verisure said:


> Yes. If you do something nice for someone it isn't *nice *at all if you expect something in return.


Are you a mother?


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## Keesha (May 17, 2021)

grahamg said:


> There are saints around, no doubt about that, and I accept what you're saying about not expecting something back when you give someone a present, but this is a bit different don't you think than being treated in the way described in the OP by those you love, and have done all you could for all their lives?


That’ a man grahamg. That’s exactly right.
This isn’t some ordinary person expecting a gift for doing a good deed. It’s a mom who goes all out for her kids who don’t even acknowledge her on Mother’s Day OR her birthday. Giving birth and raising them isn’t in the category of ‘doing something nice.’


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## Verisure (May 17, 2021)

Keesha said:


> Are you a mother?


I am a human. A humanitarian. A loving husband. A loving father. I *"give"* for *those reasons*. BTW, my wife (a generous woman) feels the same way.


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## Keesha (May 17, 2021)

Verisure said:


> I am a human. A humanitarian. A loving husband. A loving father. I *"give"* for *those reasons*.


Yes and as a human I can appreciate that and agree with you but she’s a mother who gave birth to these children. She’s asking if it’s ok to ‘want’ to get gifts for ‘Mother’s Day’. It’s not like her kids don’t acknowledge mother’s  day. They do. They buy other mother’s gifts but not their own. They don’t even acknowledge her birthday. 
In my opinion she has every right to feel disappointed. She has every right to feel whatever way she choices to feel and nobody can take that away from her.


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## Verisure (May 17, 2021)

Keesha said:


> Yes and as a human I can appreciate that and agree with you but she’s a mother who gave birth to these children. She’s asking if it’s ok to ‘want’ to get gifts for ‘Mother’s Day’. It’s not like her kids don’t acknowledge mother’s  day. They do. They buy other mother’s gifts but not their own. They don’t even acknowledge her birthday.
> In my opinion she has every right to feel disappointed. She has every right to feel whatever way she choices to feel and nobody can take that away from her.


1). *It is ok "to want"* gifts for Mother's Day. I *want* a large house with a swimming pool and fruit trees in a garden on the Black Sea.
2). *It is not a "right"* to feel disappointed. It is not my *right* to be dismayed over not having a large house with a swimming pool and fruit trees in a garden on the Black Sea. 

We all have to accept life as it is. No one owes us anything. To see my children with smiles upon their faces is all the "payment" I require for any sacrifices I have endured for their benefit. My only purpose in life is to do whatever I can for my wife and my children. Each of them must fulfill their own _*heart-felt*_ obligations, whatever those might be. 

The OP has made a few statements that we are expected to take on faith alone. It isn't very prudent of us to take sides based upon those expectations.


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## grahamg (May 17, 2021)

Verisure said:


> I am a human. A humanitarian. A loving husband. A loving father. I *"give"* for *those reasons*. BTW, my wife (a generous woman) feels the same way.


Both of you are saints then, (or getting pretty close to it!).

Those of us who do expect something back for loving our children you must find pretty despicable, though there may be cause for you to consider just how other's minds might work.

I chose to have a child, (she was planned, and her mother was my then wife). Both of us loved our child, and I'd suggest our love for our partners had something to do with the reasons why we were able to show the love we did, (I believe it was for me anyhow, and I doubt I could have loved anyone else's child in the same way, or even another child by a different mother perhaps, as I only ever wanted one child).

Why should I say I expect something back, (ironically I dont get anything at all back, but that's s different story for a different thread)?

It seems to me the reasons why most parents choose to have children are because of our own needs. Maybe our need to be loved, certainly a drive to pass our genes on comes into it, (though the urge to do so probably sits in our subconscious somewhere). Therefore most if not all, had some selfish interest in having children I'd suggest, (you're exempt of course from any thought you did anything for your own benefit). I used to think I would give my right arm for my daughter if it would help her, so some level of commitment there you might agree, so why do I think she's wrong not acknowledging me or allowing me contact with her? Well, to the age of twelve she might tell me she hated me, followed by "Keep coming daddy", and this I did of course, and I put aside all the stupid obstacles placed in my way by my ex., etc.

If you want to encourage parents, particularly fathers to try to look after their children post divorce (or separation from the other parent), I dont think telling them they should be saints and expect nothing in return will work. Even those of us who did succeed in seeing our child for ten or so years regularly cannot try to convince those men/dads to put their life and emotions into their child, "because it is one of the most wonderful experiences you can have", when it is doomed to failure, partly because we are not supported by those in authority who, like you, consider parents should not expect anything back.

Does that help you see another side to this?


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## Keesha (May 17, 2021)

Verisure said:


> 1). *It is ok "to want"* gifts for Mother's Day. I *want* a large house with a swimming pool and fruit trees in a garden on the Black Sea.
> 2). *It is not a "right"* to feel disappointed. It is not my *right* to be dismayed over not having a large house with a swimming pool and fruit trees in a garden on the Black Sea.
> 
> We all have to accept life as it is. No one owes us anything. To see my children with smiles upon their faces is all the "payment" I require for any sacrifices I have endured for their benefit. My only purpose in life is to do whatever I can for my wife and my children. Each of them must fulfill their own _*heart-felt*_ obligations, whatever those might be.
> ...


I’ll stick to my original post. She has a right to feel disappointed. Everyone on earth has a right to feel disappointed. She doesn’t need your approval or permission.

For the saint like qualities you suggest you possess ,  you sure seem to want to argue a lot. 
I’m done.


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## Ruthanne (May 17, 2021)

Keesha said:


> I’ll stick to my original post. She has a right to feel disappointed. Everyone on earth has a right to feel disappointed. She doesn’t need your approval or permission.
> 
> For the saint like qualities you suggest you possess ,  you sure seem to want to argue a lot.
> I’m done.


I agree.


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## caroln (May 17, 2021)

_Verisure said:  To see my children with smiles upon their faces is all the "payment" I require for any sacrifices I have endured for their benefit._

To that I answer:

*Mother's Day* is a celebration honoring the *mother* of the family or individual, as well as motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of *mothers* in society.  (Wikipedia)

 In 1905Anna Jarvis conceived of *Mother's Day* as a way of honoring the sacrifices *mothers* made for their children.  (History.com)

Is the whole world wrong to think that honoring your mother _one day a year_ is too much to ask? It's not asking for payment for things we do for our children. It's a matter of the children showing respect and recognition for everything that a mother does. (And fathers)


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## Verisure (May 17, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Both of you are saints then, (or getting pretty close to it!).
> 
> *Those of us who do expect something back for loving our children you must find pretty despicable*, though* there may be cause for you to consider just how other's minds might work*.
> 
> ...


You’ve started on the wrong foot. I didn’t say that I give no consideration *“to just how other’s minds might work.”* So, why would you assume I find you(pl.) *“despicable”*?

You say yourself that you *“don’t get anything at all back”*. There you are. 

Hmm. Those *“obstacles placed in the way by the ex., etc.”* may not all be worth circumnavigating. It depends upon what they are and how they affect our children. Don’t you think so?



grahamg said:


> If you want to encourage parents, particularly fathers to try to look after their children post divorce (or separation from the other parent), *I dont think telling them they should be saints and expect nothing in return will work*. Even those of us who did succeed in seeing our child for ten or so years regularly cannot try to convince those men/dads to put their life and emotions into their child, "because it is one of the most wonderful experiences you can have", when it is doomed to failure, partly* because we are not supported by those in authority who, like you, consider parents should not expect anything back.*



What is the goal here? The one that will not work?

Again, you illude to some obscure notion you have on what I think and what it means. Have you read something between the lines about me being in agreement with authorities? 

*** The focus of this thread, by way of the OP’s intro, is the *“hurt”*. But rather than lifting her up out of her pain the majority are playing a virtual blame game and extolling _Ouch!_ and _Golly!_ and _How awful!_ and _Such thankless people!_ How is that helping her? No one seems to notice that the other half of the equation (with their own version) is absent. Is it the idea that there is no other side of the story? But that’s an entirely different subject that we don’t need to discuss. Are we are here to lend good advice to the OP? Yes or no?

THE BOTTOM LINE: It is what it is. Enjoy the happy and endure the sad. I am encouraging the OP to be *open-minded* and to do some *soul-searching*. If you can't change it (or if trying will make it worse) then ......... brace up.


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## Verisure (May 17, 2021)

Keesha said:


> I’ll stick to my original post. She has a right to feel disappointed. Everyone on earth has a right to feel disappointed. She doesn’t need your approval or permission. For the saint like qualities you suggest you possess ,  *you sure seem to want to argue a lot.*
> I’m done.


Stating your case is not a sign of wanting to argue unless there is no logic to your argument.


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## Pepper (May 17, 2021)

Wasn't Mother's Day invented by Hallmark?  The cards my son sent to me, though appreciated as one had a dancing cat, were too expensive and a waste of money IMO.

Every day he behaves towards me like it's Mother's Day, sans the cards.  Mother's Day is BS.  At least that's what I used to tell my own mother!  Like my son, I gave my  every day.  Didn't want society telling me it's time to spend more money to be considered 'good.'

It's how one is treated every day, not one day in the calendar year.


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## grahamg (May 17, 2021)

Verisure said:


> You’ve started on the wrong foot. Break
> What is the goal here? The one that will not work? Break
> Again, you illude to some obscure notion you have on what I think and what it means. Have you read something between the lines about me,....? break
> THE BOTTOM LINE: It is what it is. Enjoy the happy and endure the sad. I am encouraging the OP to be *open-minded* and to do some *soul-searching*. If you can't change it (or if trying will make it worse) then ......... brace up.


Leaving my situation to one side, (in order to avoid taking the thread offtopic).
You ask "What is your goal here"? I think I've answered this by putting forward my thoughts on why some of us might choose to plan having children, and thats a goal isnt it. I could add that I hoped to help create a happy person who treats others well, ("if that's all your interested in"?). You seem very certain you know what works better than others might do, if you don't mind my saying, and you're wrong if you think my goals were not achieved.
I still disagree with you that the OP should do some soul searching for this reason. 
It is so easy for you to assume you understand whether a parent needs to soul search, and using your ideology where no one can expect anything from their child it follows you never assume the child needs to soul search themselves, or would ever want to see anyone in authority telling a child it is wrong to treat a loving patent badly. Am I in error assuming or guessing I understand your attitude is in line with those in authority, (in a world where the paramount consideration is always the child's interests?)


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## Pepper (May 17, 2021)

I'm just catching up to this thread.  Mlynn, can't you just talk to them?  Say you would feel so good if you were sent stuff on Mother's Day.  Wouldn't they do as you asked?  Surely that's not chiding or aggressive.  Just tell them.


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## caroln (May 17, 2021)

Pepper said:


> *Wasn't Mother's Day invented by Hallmark? * The cards my son sent to me, though appreciated as one had a dancing cat, were too expensive and a waste of money IMO.
> 
> Every day he behaves towards me like it's Mother's Day, sans the cards.  Mother's Day is BS.  At least that's what I used to tell my own mother!  Like my son, I gave my  every day.  Didn't want society telling me it's time to spend more money to be considered 'good.'
> 
> It's how one is treated every day, not one day in the calendar year.


No.
The official *Mother's Day* holiday arose in the 1900s as a result of the efforts of *Anna Jarvis*, daughter of *Ann* Reeves *Jarvis*. Following her *mother's* 1905 death, *Anna Jarvis* conceived of *Mother's Day* as a way of honoring the sacrifices *mothers* made for their children.


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## AnnieA (May 17, 2021)

Agreeing with @Jules and @Pepper .   Communicate with them.   I'd do it based on this year's actions alone and communicate with them individually ...don't make it a "them vs me" but  "you and me" with each child.    Don't let it fester, but also don't cash in the stamps from previous birthdays or Mothers Days.


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## Verisure (May 17, 2021)

grahamg said:


> Leaving my situation to one side, (in order to avoid taking the thread offtopic).
> You ask "What is your goal here"? I think I've answered this by putting forward my thoughts on why some of us might choose to plan having children, and thats a goal isnt it. I could add that I hoped to help create a happy person who treats others well, ("if that's all your interested in"?). *You seem very certain you know what works better than others might do*, if you don't mind my saying, and you're wrong if you think my goals were not achieved.
> I still disagree with you that the OP should do some soul searching for this reason.
> It is so easy for you to assume you understand whether a parent needs to soul search, and using your ideology where no one can expect anything from their child it follows you never assume the child needs to soul search themselves, or would ever want to see anyone in authority telling a child it is wrong to treat a loving patent badly. Am I in error assuming or guessing I understand your attitude is in line with those in authority, (in a world where the paramount consideration is always the child's interests?)


Is that what you see?


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## Serenity4321 (May 17, 2021)

MLynn said:


> I have two sons and two daughters, their spouses and 10 grandchildren.  I have been very involved in all their lives and never forget a birthday present or Christmas gift.  In fact in years past I grew flower baskets and gave them to my kids on Mother’s Day.  My hurt is I seldom receive anything on my birthday or mother’s day.  This year my 41 year old daughter bought her sister/sister-in-law surprise Mother’s Day gifts, I saw on Facebook.  My oldest son (43) got flower baskets for all the women in his life excluding me.  My children are very caring thoughtful people I don’t think they have a clue how hurt I am.  Should I be?


No of course you are not selfish or wrong...but you are hurting yourself with the hurt,  which I hate to see anyone do. If it were me I would say to the kids._.hey where is my birthday present or Mother's Day present..half kidding (but not really)_


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## Serenity4321 (May 17, 2021)

MrPants said:


> I'd be upset too. Your kids should know what kind of person you are and that you appreciate a card or gift when appropriate. Some people don't care much about that stuff but others do and there's nothing wrong with that. They should be recognized but their children on mother's day and birthdays.
> You say your kids are caring and thoughtful people. Their actions toward you don't indicate that to me.
> 
> It's kind of an odd situation though. If you came out and told them and they started showering you with gifts and cards after that .... would that not maybe feel a little hollow? I don't know. Tough situation.
> Sorry your Mother's Day wasn't what you had hoped


I say it would be fine if she were then showered with gifts. It is what she deserves..


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## Serenity4321 (May 17, 2021)

MLynn said:


> You are correct, I wouldn’t like it much if they started showering me with gifts, so I’ll keep quiet.


I don't know...seems to me you should say something instead of continuing to be hurt. Of course it is your call, but .....


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## Serenity4321 (May 17, 2021)

terry123 said:


> I would be hurt also.  But I think I would start not remembering their special events.  Maybe a card but no gifts anymore for their birthdays or holidays.  If asked I would just say I was following their lead.  Welcome to the board.


Sorry but I disagree...maybe it would make a point but not in the way a Mom or grandmother 'should'


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## Serenity4321 (May 17, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> My husband has NEVER give me a Mother’s Day gift or card. He even refuses to say Happy Mother Days since our last child left home.  He says “I am not his mother”.  Of course, he has only ever bought any presents for any holiday or my BD at the insistence of the children when they were younger.  He’s always been a jerk.
> 
> After decades of this behavior, 4 years ago, I decided to stop doing things for him as well on holidays.  But my children always get me Mother’s Day stuff, BD, and Xmas.  I would follow @Judycat advice.


LOL reminds me of my late husband..he used to say I am not his mother so he did not need to do anything for me on Mothers Day until I reminded him he is not my father but I still acknowledge Fathers Day..then he started paying attention on Mothers Day


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## Serenity4321 (May 17, 2021)

Mr. Ed said:


> I guess my question is do you think you deserve special treatment, on what merit? Actually, life is good without expectations.


Interesting comment..I bet you did not mean for it to come across as harsh or uncaring? I don't think wanting a Happy B-Day wish  or Happy Mothers Day is 'special treatment'


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## Serenity4321 (May 17, 2021)

MLynn said:


> I’m wondering that also....I also have to much stuff and am always giving stuff away.  But I never have to many plants.


That makes the most sense to me..that they just think you do not want anything...I would ask...


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## Serenity4321 (May 17, 2021)

MLynn said:


> Thank you for asking that question, it’s very thought provoking. Yes and No is the answer.  I think I’m a pretty good mom, but I’m an exceptional grandma. I partnered with my kids to help them raise their kids.  There isn’t much I wouldn’t or haven’t done for my kids and grandkids.  On the other hand everything that I have done I was happy to do.  So maybe you’re right if I didn't have expectations I wouldn’t have hurt feelings.


Kudos to you for answering in such a thoughtful nonjudgemental way..


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## Pepper (May 17, 2021)

caroln said:


> No.
> The official *Mother's Day* holiday arose in the 1900s as a result of the efforts of *Anna Jarvis*, daughter of *Ann* Reeves *Jarvis*. Following her *mother's* 1905 death, *Anna Jarvis* conceived of *Mother's Day* as a way of honoring the sacrifices *mothers* made for their children.


I should have said LOL.  I was just kidding re: Hallmark.


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## Gaer (May 17, 2021)

When you are hurt, it's a great opportunity for soul growth.
You  don't want their gifts out of pity for you.
Be strong inside and rise above it.
You don't want them to feel bad.  They may not even be aware of their callousness.
Affect all your interactions with them in a positive way.  Bring happiness into every communication with them.
There is enough sadness and hurt feelings in the world.  You can't control their actions but you can control yours.
as always, IMO


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## Mr. Ed (May 17, 2021)

Keesha said:


> She has a right to feel disappointed. Everyone on earth has a right to feel disappointed. She doesn’t need your approval or permission.


Everybody has the right to think and feel as they choose, it's called free will.  We fall short in assuming some kind of reward or recognition for being ourselves. People cannot pre-meditate who they are, nor can they falsify behavior indefinitely, their true-self always comes out.  

It is human nature to be recognized for doing good. Reward for good behavior is how we learned right from wrong. The reward system works to a degree with the exception of expectation.


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## grahamg (May 17, 2021)

Verisure said:


> Is that what you see?


"Verisure" of yourself, (nothing wrong with that, my father and brother have/had big ego's too, but as my father acknowledged "It wouldn't do if everyone were the same"  ).


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## Mr. Ed (May 17, 2021)

There is a difference between emotional thinking and facts. Emotions are feelings, black and white facts of truth or mistruths. Deciding what you do or what you think is motivated by hard and soft reasoning, feelings of desire and want or decisions based on fact.


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## Jules (May 17, 2021)

The OP wasn’t asking for special treatment.  She just wanted the same treatment as others in the family.  She was left out.  IMO, she had every right to feel hurt.


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## Keesha (May 17, 2021)

Verisure said:


> Stating your case is not a sign of wanting to argue unless there is no logic to your argument


There is no logic to your argument. You are basically stating that another human being has no right to be disappointed.


Mr. Ed said:


> Everybody has the right to think and feel as they choose, it's called free will.  We fall short in assuming some kind of reward or recognition for being ourselves. People cannot pre-meditate who they are, nor can they falsify behavior indefinitely, their true-self always comes out.
> 
> It is human nature to be recognized for doing good. Reward for good behavior is how we learned right from wrong. The reward system works to a degree with the exception of expectation.


Agree completely but I don’t think MLynn had such an expectation.  She was merely asking if it was ok for her to be disappointed. Basically she’s asking ‘us’ if she’s allowed to feel disappointed or is that being selfish. Even that graciousness with which she replied to our posts was exceptional humble; not from a place of bitterness or resentment.

I don’t think she’s looking for a ‘reward’ for mothering her children as much as a gracious acknowledgment. There’s a difference.


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## Verisure (May 17, 2021)

Jules said:


> The OP wasn’t asking for special treatment.  *She just wanted the same treatment as others in the family*. * She was left out.*  IMO, she had every right to feel hurt.


The question still remains whether she has been contributing *the same* as others in the family. There are two sides to every story and the fact that she's been _"left out"_ while all others have been _left in_ makes me wonder if there is more to this story.  It is good to express sympathy but something else is needed if the problem is to be solved. *Hurt *stems from consequences. Should she be consoled for the moment or/and offered courage and advice to remedy the problem? So far the thread isn't offering much by way of solving the problem and no one has asked her if she already knows what lies at the bottom of her dilemma. I think she does.


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## grahamg (May 17, 2021)

The above is written mainly as joke, though there is "many a true word spoken in jest" as we know, (+ reposted from another thread).

If we consider just the first line: "For as long as I live I will always be your parent first and your friend second" this has ramifications doesn't it. If as parents we "ALL" think this way ultimately, (unless we deliberately abandoned our children), from the man or woman who did everything wishing or expecting for nothing in return and did everything perfectly in that regard, to those less than perfect parents who did feel entitled to at least a token gesture of recognition, (when others have striven to take their role perhaps), and that the good we did during their upbringing should be more widely acknowledged, respected and supported too.


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## grahamg (May 17, 2021)

Mr. Ed said:
I guess my question is do you think you deserve special treatment, on what merit? Actually, life is good without expectations.


MLynn said:


> Thank you for asking that question, it’s very thought provoking. Yes and No is the answer.  I think I’m a pretty good mom, but I’m an exceptional grandma. I partnered with my kids to help them raise their kids.  There isn’t much I wouldn’t or haven’t done for my kids and grandkids.  On the other hand everything that I have done I was happy to do.  So maybe you’re right if I didn't have expectations I wouldn’t have hurt feelings.


In my fathers rights campaigning days I attended a meeting held at Westminster, in a room close to the House of Commons, our UK seat of government, and some members of parliament from all political parties were present, members of the press etc.
A woman was chosen to speak on behalf of grandparents, or at least to give her own story about the way one of her three daughters had ostracised her after she had had a child. This woman said she wasn't just a good mother but a very good mother, and I for one didn't need to hear "the other side of the story" to believe it were true. What then could possibly have gone wrong? My only guess is that the daughter felt a little bit inadequate as a mother compared to her own wonderful mum, and this had something to do with it, (at the same time the daughter or new mother chose to get back in touch with her father so yet another complication but at least she didn't have to compare her mothering abilities with him).

One last point, "if (someone) didn't have expectations (they) wouldn't have hurt feelings",......, maybe so, just like those who didn't care in the first place, and did everything they did for show, hence its not always wrong to have hurt feelings, (or wrong at all, I'd say is a majority view here).


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