# Conversations with friend, etc. Who talks more?



## Victor (Jun 20, 2022)

When you talk to your friends, who tends to dominate the
conversation, or talks more, you or them? Honestly, do you? And is it about yourself
or just things that come up? Trivia or stuff that matters?   
Do you feel like telling your friend some things but you really don't care about listening to them go on because it is boring
or annoying?  I discovered that my old friends have nothing much new, or we have little in common and they
are private, or they repeat themselves over and over.       I will *not* be getting new friends
at my age, no, so it's the same old stuff. I think that when they are listening, it does NOT always mean 
they are interested! Maybe it is politeness, being nice, patronizing.


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## oldman (Jun 20, 2022)

I dislike speaking on the phone, so I don't have much to say because I don't want the call going on and on. I let the other person do the talking. I answer questions in short retorts. I am a good listener.


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## Lee (Jun 20, 2022)

I have one friend that calls me, she definitely has a lot more to say than I do.

But for the most part I think my conversations balance out.


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## Em in Ohio (Jun 20, 2022)

I'm the good listener.  I dislike phone conversations, so I wait for people to call me.  The main caller does 90% of the talking, generally about her, her family, and the trials and tribulations they endure.  If in person, she will pull up photos on her phone.  I give 'appropriate' feedback, but not much.  Once in a while, I will just say, "Wait.  I have something I want to tell you before I forget."  That's how I eek out perhaps 10%.  But, it works for us.


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## Jules (Jun 20, 2022)

My very sociable friend basically only wants me to say hello & goodbye.  She fills in the rest of the hour.  Sometimes my husband will laugh if he’s heard me trying to get a word in edgewise.  It’s a good thing she has a great sense of humour so I’m amused.


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## Jan14 (Jun 20, 2022)

What I don’t like is when someone goes on and on about their life, then just when you draw a breath to speak, they have to _go!  Leaves you feeling kind of empty!_


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## Gary O' (Jun 20, 2022)

Conversations with friend, etc. Who talks more?​
I'm a good listener
In person, we'll sit
I'll listen
Sip something 

On the phone?
I love the iPhone
I can lay it down
Do whatever I'm doing
While they're ranting...raving.... complaining.....repeating.....whatever


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## Leann (Jun 20, 2022)

I much prefer to listen and ask questions than talk about myself. I don't care much for talking on the phone or using FaceTime. I'd rather sit with you in person where I can hear the inflection in your voice, hear your laughter, watch your gestures, etc.


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## Pepper (Jun 20, 2022)

Jules said:


> My very sociable friend basically only wants me to say hello & goodbye.  She fills in the rest of the hour.  Sometimes my husband will laugh if he’s heard me trying to get a word in edgewise.  It’s a good thing she has a great sense of humour so I’m amused.


She's my friend too!


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## Tish (Jun 20, 2022)

That depends on how long it has been since we spoke last and on who asks what's been happening first.


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## Alligatorob (Jun 20, 2022)

Victor said:


> When you talk to your friends, who tends to dominate the
> conversation, or talks more, you or them?


I'd like to think I am a good listener, but I know I can dominate sometimes.  I practice listening, when I can remember to.


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## StarSong (Jun 20, 2022)

It evens out with my friends.  We do more texting than telephone convos these days.


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## Gary O' (Jun 20, 2022)

StarSong said:


> It evens out with my friends. We do more texting than telephone convos these days.


Whoa.....texting

Anybody texts me, my only reply is *'call me'*
My first right finger has that down pretty good

That tiny keyboard is the nemesis to my thumb like fingers


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## Victor (Jun 20, 2022)

I have a motto---when in doubt, don't reach out.
Before talking, do you think: is she interested? Does he care?  Can they help?


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## Mizmo (Jun 20, 2022)

I have a friend  of about 25 yrs who  lives in another city  and when she calls  she first  asks... how are you.
 I fill her in with whatever is going on in the present for about one minute max then she talks nonstop with everything that she has done.... like dinner at the senior centre and all that happened there, her hydro bill , what she bought at the charity shop, how much she was admired by a gentleman on the street car on the way back from her friend's house, all of her health problems, etc., etc., etc.
 You get the drift.

I try to interject now and again to  comment and make conversation  like about the hydro bill  but I am told "well let me finish" or suddenly dead silence and I say are you there and she says well you interrupted and so on and so on...no real catchup conversation.

So I am at the point now where I just don't want to pick up the phone anymore when I see her number .
I have other things bothering me which I would like to chat about but just don't get the chance and after almost an hour I am very happy to hang up. Been that way for years and I have less patience now but I know one of these days I am just going to blow my stack as they say.

Feels kinda good getting that off my chest


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## Bella (Jun 20, 2022)

It depends on whom I'm talking to, and it depends on what's been going on in our lives. Sometimes I dominate the conversation, and sometimes they do but on the whole, I try to give equal time to whomever I'm speaking with. We actually have a back and forth conversation where one person talks and the other listens. Those are the best conversations. We share both light and serious things. Then we commiserate. Sometimes we laugh and cry during the same conversation. Then there are times I'm willing to just listen to a friend who's having problems and needs to vent. Sometimes I do too, and I appreciate being able to do that.

Then there are the others. Yes, there are a few people who are basically disinterested and a couple who are always distracted when we speak. I keep it short if I sense they're not interested. The ones who are always distracted really aren't present in the “conversation” and I find it _beyond_ annoying. If they are distracted doing other things and can't be present when we're speaking, I'd just rather not have a conversation. I mean what's the point of talking to someone who really isn't listening/paying attention to what you're saying? 

One friend, in particular, is like this and because of it I've had enough and have called her a lot less. If I bring up something from a previous conversation, she has no recollection of it. No wonder she can't remember anything, because she doesn't pay attention to begin with. I've called her on it more than once, but she swears her silence is because she was “listening”. No, she can't respond because her attention is diverted because she's concentrating on something else. I gave up because I'm sick of it. Fuggedaboutit. I'd rather talk to myself. She calls me every once in a while and I wonder why she even bothers. I mean, what's the point? She really doesn't listen. So, these days when she calls, I'm off quickly. Gotta go! Take care, bye-bye. It's a lot less frustrating to cut it short.

Thanks for letting me get that out. (@Mizmo )

I get the not finding new friend's thing. It's difficult to cultivate new friendships at this age. That's why we put up with the nonsense from people we already know, even when their behavior disappoints or annoys us.

Bella


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## Lewkat (Jun 20, 2022)

I too loathe the telephone and rarely make personal calls.  When someone calls me, I feel compelled to make innocuous small talk and it irks me no end.  Person to person is my preference in getting a conversation under way.  I find it hard to believe that, as a teenager, I practically had a phone glued to my ear all the time.  The irony of it all.


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## Aunt Bea (Jun 20, 2022)

StarSong said:


> It evens out with my friends.  We do more texting than telephone convos these days.


Another vote for texting.

I didn’t like it at first, but now I enjoy the fact that I can complete a thought or offer an opinion without being talked over or shouted down.


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## Alligatorob (Jun 20, 2022)

Gary O' said:


> Anybody texts me, my only reply is *'call me'*


That's about the limit of my texting as well...


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## Gaer (Jun 20, 2022)

Lee said:


> I have one friend that calls me, she definitely has a lot more to say than I do.
> 
> But for the most part I think my conversations balance out.


@Lee:  Love your new avatar!  You're so pretty!


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## Gaer (Jun 20, 2022)

People don't seem to connect soul to soul .  it's just small talk, but I guess that's O.K.


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## Lee (Jun 20, 2022)

Gaer said:


> @Lee:  Love your new avatar!  You're so pretty!


Thank you Gaer, have been using that avatar for awhile, taken about a year ago, the pic shows my hair dark, go figure, hair is actually a silver grey now . Time for a new picture. And soon.

And may I return the compliment.....you are not only pretty, I see so much wisdom in your expressive features.


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## Liberty (Jun 20, 2022)

Mizmo said:


> I have a friend  of about 25 yrs who  lives in another city  and when she calls  she first  asks... how are you.
> I fill her in with whatever is going on in the present for about one minute max then she talks nonstop with everything that she has done.... like dinner at the senior centre and all that happened there, her hydro bill , what she bought at the charity shop, how much she was admired by a gentleman on the street car on the way back from her friend's house, all of her health problems, etc., etc., etc.
> You get the drift.
> 
> ...


Sounds like a male friend of ours...he could light one sentence on top of another and won't even stop talking when I try to interject a comment.  Its like a compulsion with him and one other female friend.
What I do is work on some mindless house chores when talking to them, like watering plants, dusting, or doing dishes.  Gets something done at least.


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## Llynn (Jun 20, 2022)

I have an old school chum who calls me several times a month. He is no more hard of hearing than I am but I think the connection between his ears and brain is broken. After the "hi how are you" conversation stage he immediately swings into his dialogue, mostly things I have heard many times before. 

He simply gives me no chance to comment or respond. Several times during his rambling I have directly asked "do you ever listen" and he just keeps motoring on completely untroubled by my remark. I often put the phone down and go do something else while he continues our one-sided chat. When I come back some time later, it is obvious he hasn't even noticed.

I cut him slack because he really is unwell and lonely. Eventually he will say "I guess I better let you go" and I grab that opportunity to say goodbye. Until his next call.


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## Packerjohn (Jun 20, 2022)

Hey Victor, you and I sure got something in common.  I do "stuff" while at home.  Right now I'm on my way to Skagway, Alaska.  I have much going on in my life.  Others, that I know, sit at home.  When I visit them they often tell me the same stories that they told me the last time I visited.  I often feel that they are getting dementia.  

Basically, I have much to say that is new.  Others just keep repeating the same ole' stories.  I wouldn't want their lives because maybe their lives are just boring.  Maybe they wouldn't want my life either:  gas costs to much, it's a long way from home, you could have an accident, where do you sleep or maybe those Americans will shoot you because they all carry guns!  Just kidding on that last one.  Maybe they think that but they never tell me that right to my face.  LOL


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## dseag2 (Jun 20, 2022)

I have a friend that I call regularly.  She is a former employee who is older and divorced, with grown children and grandkids.  I call to check up on her because she is an Empath who is easily affected by what is going on in the world.  We both talk equally, but I make sure I am quiet when she is talking because I want to make sure I hear the points she is making and understand anything she might be going through.


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## Been There (Jun 20, 2022)

I have no family and very few friends. You could count the number of phone calls a month that I get on one hand, not counting robocalls. 
My life has been military and traveling the globe. How do you make friends when you live a cloistered life? I was never allowed to talk about my work. Yeah, my bosses called it work.


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## dseag2 (Jun 20, 2022)

Been There said:


> I have no family and very few friends. You could count the number of phone calls a month that I get on one hand, not counting robocalls.
> My life has been military and traveling the globe. How do you make friends when you live a cloistered life? I was never allowed to talk about my work. Yeah, my bosses called it work.


I have no family either, because I am an only child and my parents have passed away.  With that said, you can feel free to share your thoughts in this forum and perhaps receive support and gain a few friends along the way.  We all have our outlets.


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## AnnieA (Jun 20, 2022)

I have long conversations with my best girl and best guy friend.  Can go a month or several without talking, but when we do catch up, we talk for hours.  It's very give and take with my guy friend and is sometimes more lopsided with my girlfriend depending on what's going on in our lives ...think that's because we're very emotionally in tune so can share more easily ...and we do share Everything!!!  There are three other girlfriends I have long catch-up calls with from time to time and those conversations are more give and take as well.


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## SeaBreeze (Jun 20, 2022)

I listen more than I talk, rarely if ever dominate a conversation.  I don't like talking on the phone either and never got into texting a conversation with anyone.


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## Been There (Jun 20, 2022)

dseag2 said:


> I have no family either, because I am an only child and my parents have passed away.  With that said, you can feel free to share your thoughts in this forum and perhaps receive support and gain a few friends along the way.  We all have our outlets.


I was orphaned at 9 years old when my mom and dad died. My paternal grandparents raised me and did a great job, or at least, I think they did. No brothers, no sisters and I had a couple of uncles, aunts and cousins at one time, but as I grew up, they either relocated and didn't keep in touch, didn't want to bother with us because my grandfather was a hard working farmer and whenever he needed help, no one wanted to help, but when my grandpa and grandma died, they all showed up for the reading of the will. 

When they first walked into the attorneys office, they came smiling and cheerful and telling me how sorry they were that they didn't keep in touch and a whole bunch of other malarkey until I finally told them all to FO! They didn't leave that office as happy as they did when they arrived. Each one of them had their name read and instead of telling them what they would receive, my grandparents left them a little note thanking them for deserting them when they were needed most. They got nothing. Everything, including that beautiful farm either went to me, the church or other charities. Who would have suspected that they were millionaires a few times over? Even my grandpa's brother showed up at the ripe old age of 91 and said from the start of the reading of the will that he was sorry for not being there for us, but he was struck down with MD at the age of 63 and was no good to anyone. The last thing he said was I expect nothing and I want nothing. I came here today just to see everyone for probably the last time. Him, I forgave. 

If I sound bitter it's because I am. Not for me, but for my grandparents. My grandma said to me one time that families should be able to count on each other in times of need, but the bunch in this family only ever thought of themselves. When it comes time for the reading of the will, they may learn a valuable lesson, or maybe they won't, but it will only be because they don't care. My uncle was going to have the will probated, but his lawyer told him to forget it. I don't know why. 

And, now you know my story. I am alone because I prefer it that way.


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## dseag2 (Jun 20, 2022)

Been There said:


> I was orphaned at 9 years old when my mom and dad died. My paternal grandparents raised me and did a great job, or at least, I think they did. No brothers, no sisters and I had a couple of uncles, aunts and cousins at one time, but as I grew up, they either relocated and didn't keep in touch, didn't want to bother with us because my grandfather was a hard working farmer and whenever he needed help, no one wanted to help, but when my grandpa and grandma died, they all showed up for the reading of the will.
> 
> When they first walked into the attorneys office, they came smiling and cheerful and telling me how sorry they were that they didn't keep in touch and a whole bunch of other malarkey until I finally told them all to FO! They didn't leave that office as happy as they did when they arrived. Each one of them had their name read and instead of telling them what they would receive, my grandparents left them a little note thanking them for deserting them when they were needed most. They got nothing. Everything, including that beautiful farm either went to me, the church or other charities. Who would have suspected that they were millionaires a few times over? Even my grandpa's brother showed up at the ripe old age of 91 and said from the start of the reading of the will that he was sorry for not being there for us, but he was struck down with MD at the age of 63 and was no good to anyone. The last thing he said was I expect nothing and I want nothing. I came here today just to see everyone for probably the last time. Him, I forgave.
> 
> ...


Thank you for explaining your situation.  Many of us on SF have shared what made us who we are these days (myself included), so I appreciate your honesty.  My grandmother said to me, as I was sitting on her lap, that I would go off to the Vietnam war and be killed. So, I guess we have all tolerated crazy relatives and we must all choose to move beyond it.

It is cathartic for all of us, so I appreciate you sharing.


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## StarSong (Jun 21, 2022)

For the past couple of years I've had a standing weekly zoom date with a group of 8 friends who now all live far apart and are in 3 different time zones.  

Usually 5-6 of us are able to participate in any given zoom session.  We chat for about 2 hours, making sure each gets a chance to talk about what's happening in her life.  There's no pressure for everyone to show up or to stay for the full time.  Our conversations meander to every imaginable topic, as conversations among friends are wont to do.

It's been a lovely silver lining of the pandemic and a connection we're unlikely to halt anytime soon.


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## Della (Jun 21, 2022)

My husband calls his best friend from schooldays once a year on the man's birthday. He talks for about an hour each time and I never hear his voice stop.  Afterward, I'll ask questions about the man's wife, his job, his grandchildren and hubs will say, "Hmm, he didn't say."  

 Some people just don't know the difference between a dialogue and a monologue and haven't gotten the idea that a conversation should go back and forth like a tennis match.  I always wonder what's happening at the other end of that birthday call.

He comes home most days and starts telling me about his day while I fix dinner, while I eat dinner and while I do the dishes, ending his last sentence as he walks away, never asking how my day went.  

This is why I love this message board.


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## spectratg (Jun 21, 2022)

When I am with some or all of my daughters and their spouses, and my grandchildren, I don't usually say too much but rather just sit or stand and listen to all the happy chatter!  It is music to my ears!  At some level I hope that my wife in heaven is hearing it all through me.


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## oldman (Jun 21, 2022)

Been There said:


> I was orphaned at 9 years old when my mom and dad died. My paternal grandparents raised me and did a great job, or at least, I think they did. No brothers, no sisters and I had a couple of uncles, aunts and cousins at one time, but as I grew up, they either relocated and didn't keep in touch, didn't want to bother with us because my grandfather was a hard working farmer and whenever he needed help, no one wanted to help, but when my grandpa and grandma died, they all showed up for the reading of the will.
> 
> When they first walked into the attorneys office, they came smiling and cheerful and telling me how sorry they were that they didn't keep in touch and a whole bunch of other malarkey until I finally told them all to FO! They didn't leave that office as happy as they did when they arrived. Each one of them had their name read and instead of telling them what they would receive, my grandparents left them a little note thanking them for deserting them when they were needed most. They got nothing. Everything, including that beautiful farm either went to me, the church or other charities. Who would have suspected that they were millionaires a few times over? Even my grandpa's brother showed up at the ripe old age of 91 and said from the start of the reading of the will that he was sorry for not being there for us, but he was struck down with MD at the age of 63 and was no good to anyone. The last thing he said was I expect nothing and I want nothing. I came here today just to see everyone for probably the last time. Him, I forgave.
> 
> ...


Aren’t you lonely? Don’t you date? Who owns your grandparents farm? What do you do to pass the time? Sorry for all the questions, but your life sounds more like that of a hermit. Maybe you just don’t have any trust in people and that’s why you prefer to be alone. Thinking about your life, I could see that happening. What was your job in the military?


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## Been There (Jun 22, 2022)

oldman said:


> Aren’t you lonely? Don’t you date? Who owns your grandparents farm? What do you do to pass the time? Sorry for all the questions, but your life sounds more like that of a hermit. Maybe you just don’t have any trust in people and that’s why you prefer to be alone. Thinking about your life, I could see that happening. What was your job in the military?


Am I lonely? No, not really.
Do I date? Sometimes, but whenever I do ask a woman out, they ask a lot of questions about my background. I understand people want to know who you are. I guess they want to make sure they aren't dating a serial killer. I don't like answering a lot of questions about my past. Very painful.
Passing the time? I exercise a lot and am involved in a club online where we play games that require a lot of strategy. We sign on at 8 p.m. and usually finish around midnight.
I am not a hermit. I do get out and about. Trust is a big issue for me. I speak to my neighbors if I see them out and I have a few friends that I go to ball games with and then there is Wednesday night poker night.
I was a Marine aviator. My squadron was the Death Rattlers out of MCAS MIramar, CA. I belonged to the 3rd Marine Aircraft Wing (MAW). After 6 years there, I was re-stationed to MCAS Beaufort, SC. for another 7 years until given a Training position and retirement.
My last five years before retirement was spent working in the Pentagon.

I haven't been just sitting around, but now I am a relic of the old Marine Corps. Fought a lot of wars with very little to show for it.
Please no more questions about the military. You may not like the answers.


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## oldman (Jun 22, 2022)

Thank you for your service. I won’t ask about your flying while in the Marines. I went to college before I enlisted into the Corps, but did not take any ROTC while in college, so between that and being told that I was too tall to fly, I wasn’t offered to go to flight school. But I do recognize that you did have a stellar career in the Marines, so thank you.

If you want to talk sometime or just pass e-mails back and forth, I would be happy to be your friend. I flew commercial for 33 years. Starting with Air Wisconsin and then was recruited by United. I retired as a Senior Captain. My home airport was Dulles (IAD) in Washington, close to where you are living now. I think you said you lived in Alexandria?

Stay well.


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## WheatenLover (Jun 22, 2022)

Been There said:


> I have no family and very few friends. You could count the number of phone calls a month that I get on one hand, not counting robocalls.
> My life has been military and traveling the globe. How do you make friends when you live a cloistered life? I was never allowed to talk about my work. Yeah, my bosses called it work.


How to make friends? Join a group. Not a joiner, then I have no other ideas. My best friend here was my dog's trainer, and we just hit it off. As she's lived here for over 30 years and trained dogs for much of that time, she knows a lot of people. I have made many "friendly acquaintances" through her. My other best friend here was the guy next door. A tree fell across the road and he was putting out flares or something, and I went to talk to him. We hit it off. I rent a house from him now. Our friendship has always been platonic, of course, as I am married. He is single and older than I am, and my husband doesn't care who I'm friends with, as long as he doesn't have to be their friend, too.

The friendly acquaintances are really nice people. I just don't have much in common with them, although I do enjoy spending time with them, usually as part of a large group.

My dad was in the military. So many people have lifelong friends from childhood, and didn't go to 12 different schools through high school. I have a difficult time getting attached to friends -- all those years of moving around took that out of me. I can move anywhere and not worry about missing my friends. I don't tell them that, of course. Because I should miss them, I'd think. This doesn't mean that I'm not sad to leave them while I'm still living where they are, though.

I have a large and very close family on my dad's side, but I don't know them very well because I've rarely seen them. I do like them a lot though. My sister and I have considered moving to where most of them live. I like them, but they have a lifelong history, and I don't see how I would fit in if I inserted myself into their lives. All of the aunts, uncles, and grandparents have passed away, and really, I barely know my cousins.

I do miss my parents, if wishing they were still alive is missing someone. My siblings, who are alive, not so much. My sister is The Gatekeeper and frequently refuses to give me info I want or need about our mother or her family. My brother is still mad at me for not moving to Georgia while I was pregnant so my kids would be born in the South; and in fact, for moving away at all. My half-sister is part of my dad's family, but she doesn't have a relationship with them, to speak of. That is not her fault. She wasn't raised with frequent contact with our extended family because her parents just didn't pay much attention to them.


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## Been There (Jun 23, 2022)

I have a few male friends here in my housing development that we play golf together and have one night a week for poker night, which isn't high stakes, just get together drink and eat a little and bat the bull mostly.

Women on the other hand have been difficult establishing a relationship with them. They ask a lot of questions, some very personal, which I sometimes consider being a bit intrusive. Why is having to know my background so important? Can't they just take me at face value as to who I am now? I dated one women for almost two years and fell in love with her, but when she asked me "that" question, I was turned off. She wanted to now my financial status and I him halled around it and never did answer her. I didn't think it was really any of her business at that time. Had I asked her to marry me, then I would have exposed myself to her, but she all but demanded that she knew my net worth. I live in Alexandria, Virginia in a $500,000+ home. Shouldn't that have given her some idea that I wasn't broke and I wouldn't be asking her for a loan anytime soon? Other than her being nosey, I thought she was the "one." I think she also had trust issues. She told me a story about a man she fell in love with, until he asked her for a $200,000 loan. I think she did the right thing by dumping him. 

I'm only in my 60's, so I have time to maybe find the women that I want to settle down with. I have a picture of myself in my dress uniform hanging in the hallway leading into the dining room. When a women sees that picture, it seems to provoke a lot of questions, so maybe I need to take it down. First question always is, "Oh, I see you have wings on your uniform. Were you a fly boy?" That term is passe` and has been for sometime. Calling a Naval, Air Force or Marine pilot a fly boy is almost insulting. 

I see you live in Pennsylvania, which is not too far from me. If you ever get down here and play golf, let me know you are coming and maybe we can get together for a round. Your life seems pretty close to mine. As far as I am concerned, I have no relatives. What the few that were my relatives did to my grandparents divided us. You just don't treat your relatives as they did. Loyalty is a thing of the past within families. In today's world, it seems to be all about me. I have two cousins that are brothers and they can't even get along. The one brother shot the other one a few years back because he was trying to make out with his wife. Can you imagine that going on between two brothers? He didn't kill him. I think he shot him in the stomach area and did do maybe a year in the county jail. Some family, huh?


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## oldman (Jun 23, 2022)

Been There said:


> I have a few male friends here in my housing development that we play golf together and have one night a week for poker night, which isn't high stakes, just get together drink and eat a little and bat the bull mostly.
> 
> Women on the other hand have been difficult establishing a relationship with them. They ask a lot of questions, some very personal, which I sometimes consider being a bit intrusive. Why is having to know my background so important? Can't they just take me at face value as to who I am now? I dated one women for almost two years and fell in love with her, but when she asked me "that" question, I was turned off. She wanted to now my financial status and I him halled around it and never did answer her. I didn't think it was really any of her business at that time. Had I asked her to marry me, then I would have exposed myself to her, but she all but demanded that she knew my net worth. I live in Alexandria, Virginia in a $500,000+ home. Shouldn't that have given her some idea that I wasn't broke and I wouldn't be asking her for a loan anytime soon? Other than her being nosey, I thought she was the "one." I think she also had trust issues. She told me a story about a man she fell in love with, until he asked her for a $200,000 loan. I think she did the right thing by dumping him.
> 
> ...


Seriously, I think you have real trust issues with people. I am no psychologist, but I think you may need to speak with someone.


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## StarSong (Jun 23, 2022)

Last night was my zoom night.  As it happened, only four of us could attend.  I paid attention to whether anyone dominated the conversation or seemed to talk much more than anyone else.  Nobody did.  It was a fairly even split.


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## Victor (Jun 23, 2022)

When you live alone as I do, you tend to talk more about yourself, if you are silent the rest of the day.
These message boards are no solution, only a small respite. I have a married friend who listens to what I say
and she is content to stay home, wont meet me, and another will only talk or visit on his schedule. He won't answer the phone ever. Loves to talk loudly, nothing very personal and political rants. But he listens to me complain about my problems. Although this doesn't help me, at all. Anyway, I don't have much in common with them.


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## dseag2 (Jun 23, 2022)

StarSong said:


> Last night was my zoom night.  As it happened, only four of us could attend.  I paid attention to whether anyone dominated the conversation or seemed to talk much more than anyone else.  Nobody did.  It was a fairly even split.


I have pretty frequent Zoom calls with my previous work colleagues, who are also good friends.  Most were retired early, like I was, due to Covid and the company needing to downsize.  Some are still with the company and make me appreciate the fact that I am no longer there.  

It is such a great experience catching up.  Very cathartic.  Glad you have this as a way to keep in touch with friends!


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## officerripley (Jun 23, 2022)

After the Covid lockdown hit and a bookclub that I belonged to went to Zoom meetings, I discovered that I can't stand Zoom meetings. No matter how well run the group was with face-to-face meetings, they usually don't go as well when done on Zoom, even in spite of the group leader's best efforts; it seems that the Zoom meetings mostly consist of people inadvertently (usually) talking over the top of each other or else everyone staring awkardly and silently at everyone else, so it's one extreme or the other.


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## Been There (Jun 24, 2022)

oldman said:


> Seriously, I think you have real trust issues with people. I am no psychologist, but I think you may need to speak with someone.


Been there and done that as they say. A fellow that plays cards with us on Wednesday night wants me to meet his divorced daughter of 8 months. She is 4 years younger than me and has two children who are both grown. I told him I would think about it. Yesterday, I decided to have dinner with her just for the company and we'll see where it goes from there. My friend told me that his daughter has been complaining that she has been very lonely since the divorce, so maybe we will have a lot to talk about. I called her and introduced myself to her and she told me that if her dad thinks I'm ok then yes, she accepted my invitation to go out for dinner. I'm looking forward to it.


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## StarSong (Jun 24, 2022)

officerripley said:


> After the Covid lockdown hit and a bookclub that I belonged to went to Zoom meetings, I discovered that I can't stand Zoom meetings. No matter how well run the group was with face-to-face meetings, they usually don't go as well when done on Zoom, even in spite of the group leader's best efforts; it seems that the Zoom meetings mostly consist of people inadvertently (usually) talking over the top of each other or else everyone staring awkardly and silently at everyone else, so it's one extreme or the other.


It does take a while to figure out zoom timing.  Also, smaller groups work better.  Early in the lockdown period I was on a 70th birthday zoom with at least 25 people.  Absolute chaos and no fun for anyone other than the celebrant.  While I was happy for him, I learned that crowded zooms don't work.  

My group has been at it for over two years so we have a pretty good rhythm.  Also, when someone interrupts with a burning share, we let her finish her thought, but then another person will say, "circling back to where we were, Kathy, what was it you were saying about shopping for a new car?" and we pick it back up.  No one's feathers get ruffled.


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## officerripley (Jun 24, 2022)

StarSong said:


> It does take a while to figure out zoom timing.  Also, smaller groups work better.  Early in the lockdown period I was on a 70th birthday zoom with at least 25 people.  Absolute chaos and no fun for anyone other than the celebrant.  While I was happy for him, I learned that crowded zooms don't work.
> 
> My group has been at it for over two years so we have a pretty good rhythm.  Also, when someone interrupts with a burning share, we let her finish her thought, but then another person will say, "circling back to where we were, Kathy, what was it you were saying about shopping for a new car?" and we pick it back up.  No one's feathers get ruffled.


It seems as if Zoom get-togethers are probably like face-to-face book clubs (and a lot of other things for that matter) in that everything works better if the people involved were already friends (or at least pretty friend_ly_) before the zoom meetings or whatever are even started for the first time.


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## StarSong (Jun 24, 2022)

officerripley said:


> It seems as if Zoom get-togethers are probably like face-to-face book clubs (and a lot of other things for that matter) in that everything works better if the people involved were already friends (or at least pretty friend_ly_) before the zoom meetings or whatever are even started for the first time.


That makes sense.  Other than the birthday event I mentioned, my zooms have all been with close family or friend groups that were established long ago.  Zoom helps us remain connected.


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## officerripley (Jun 24, 2022)

StarSong said:


> That makes sense.  Other than the birthday event I mentioned, my zooms have all been with close family or friend groups that were established long ago.  Zoom helps us remain connected.


Yeah, for some reason the way people interact has always fascinated me (guess because I'm not good at it myself, sigh). So a few years back, I did an informal survey about face2face bookclubs. I guess maybe I picked bookclubs since you keep hearing "get out and participate in stuff that interests you" and since reading is about the only thing that interests me, I choose bookclubs, ha. Anyway, I asked people IRL and on about 3 different online sites (not this one) some questions about their face2face bookclubs: how structured or casual the meetings were, how successful (i.e., how few conflicts they had, how much fun the members had at meetings, how long the group lasted, how motivated the members were to show up every time unless they were very sick, etc.) the clubs were. And the clubs ranged from very structured--one group was a bunch of retired grade & high school teachers who got after members if they hadn't read the book and who didn't allow any kind of chitchat about anything other than the book, not even a comment about the weather, etc.--to groups who, as one member put it, "we only talk about the book for the first 5 minutes and spend the rest of the time drinking wine, snacking and chitchatting." And the one and only thing that was there with all the successful groups? All or most (usually all) of the members were good friends before anybody even thought about starting the bookclub. So since, this has also been my experience with the face2face bookclubs I've been in, my advice about it is: don't join a bookclub where you aren't already friends with at least one member and expect to make friends; ain't gonna happen.


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## timoc (Jun 24, 2022)

Conversations with friend, etc. Who talks more?​
It's a good idea to carry a crocodile clip in your pocket, just in case you can't get a word in edgewise.


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## Moon Rat (Jun 24, 2022)

StarSong said:


> It does take a while to figure out zoom timing.  Also, smaller groups work better.  Early in the lockdown period I was on a 70th birthday zoom with at least 25 people.  Absolute chaos and no fun for anyone other than the celebrant.  While I was happy for him, I learned that crowded zooms don't work.
> 
> My group has been at it for over two years so we have a pretty good rhythm.  Also, when someone interrupts with a burning share, we let her finish her thought, but then another person will say, "circling back to where we were, Kathy, what was it you were saying about shopping for a new car?" and we pick it back up.  No one's feathers get ruffled.


I never thought about connecting with my only son who lives so far away. I wonder if he would be interested in getting together maybe once a month just to catch up instead of sending emails? I am going to mention this to him.


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## StarSong (Jun 24, 2022)

@officerripley, your post couldn't be more timely!  I've been invited to join a book club that's usually hosted by a friend of 35+ years.  Through my friend's children's weddings and other celebrations, I've come to know and like at least one of her friends who's a regular club member.  My first meeting will be in August. 

I've never belonged to a book club, but as you said, I do love to read. Plus my friend and I tend to enjoy many of the same books. So I'll give it a whirl.

Knowing my friend, this club probably falls under the heading of "we only talk about the book for the first 5 minutes and spend the rest of the time drinking wine, snacking and chitchatting." That'd be more than fine with me - I'm pretty good at socializing and see no downside to cultivating additional relationships.

DH is very supportive of my friendships. Unlike me, he's active on FB and Instagram and usually develops his own friendships with my friends that way. (No need to tell me that I married a gem. I already know!)


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## dobielvr (Jun 24, 2022)

I have this one lady friend I speak with may be once a month.  I've known her for a long time. 
I'll ask her how she's doing and off she goes. She tells me things I've heard before about her family repeatedly.
She's very private, I still don't know her age.  Not that it matters..

So, the other day when I finally had a chance to speak, I said "well, let me tell you what I've been doing" and shortly after that she says she wants to get off the phone and have some dinner. 

Hey, wait a minute I'm talking over here!!  

I didn't say that  ^^^^^^^


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## Jeni (Jun 24, 2022)

my Bf and i take turns with who dominates the conversation ..... depending on who has more items to talk about.... family / plans etc


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## officerripley (Jun 24, 2022)

A couple of the other volunteers at a place I volunteered at were like that. I foolishly tried making friends with one and the other I mistakenly thought was trying to make friends with me but discovered they weren't interested in that at all; they just wanted me to listen to them vent and go on about stuff going on with them; so as long as I just stood there nodding and saying "Really?" or "Wow" once in a while they were fine with that. Which I did since I liked both (especially one) and would've like being friends but you can't force people into liking you (not to the point of friendship anyway).


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