# Forgiveness for your sake



## Ruthanne (Jul 30, 2016)

I have struggled with forgiveness a lot in my life.  When I was much younger I held onto my grudges and it did not make me a happy person that's for sure.  I have been trying more and more over the years to be forgiving because I know it is better for my health and attitude among other things.  Here is some of what I have researched on forgiveness:

*Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness*

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.
By Mayo Clinic Staff

Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Perhaps your mother criticized your parenting skills, your colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness or even vengeance.

But if you don't practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

*What is forgiveness?*


Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, more positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

*What are the benefits of forgiving someone?*


Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for happiness, health and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:


Healthier relationships
Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
Less anxiety, stress and hostility
Lower blood pressure
Fewer symptoms of depression
Stronger immune system
Improved heart health
Higher self-esteem


*Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?*


When you're hurt by someone you love and trust, you might become angry, sad or confused. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.


*What are the effects of holding a grudge?*


If you're unforgiving, you might:


Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present
Become depressed or anxious
Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs
Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others


*How do I reach a state of forgiveness?*


Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To begin, you might:


Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
Actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you, when you're ready
Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life

As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?  See this link: http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=2


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## Debby (Jul 30, 2016)

I had that experience of forgiving someone regarding my dad Ruthanne.  When I was about nine, one day he was just gone.  My mom told me in the beginning that he was on a holiday, but then he didn't come back from it.  I can remember being very afraid because my 'daddy wasn't there to protect me'  even though he'd been pretty much a wash out as a father up till the time he left.  Probably because he was an alcoholic and his booze and parties were more important to him.  Kids sure see things differently don't they?  

Anyway as I hit my teens and older and then had my first baby, I harboured a grudge and anger that we'd been dumped.  But there came a point where I suddenly realized that the truth really was that he should never have been a father in the first place.  Just not one of his gifts you know and from that point on, my hurt feelings began to heal.  He married my mom because it was the expected thing to do in that circumstance and we were all the collateral damage for trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Unfortunately for him, he died before I came to that new understanding so I was never able to tell him that I wasn't angry any more.


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## Carla (Jul 30, 2016)

Good article, Ruthanne. I remember my grandfather and grandmother used to sit and talk about things that happened years ago, things that were said and done to them. Not much fun being around them. My other grandparents were more positive yet I being young, couldn't figure out why I liked them better. My parents were divoriced over 30 yrs and while my Dad remarried (happily) my Mother harbored bad feelings till she died. She used to complain and complain like it happened yesterday. It upset me a lot, finally one day I had to just tell her to stop. I wonder if some of us are more prone to this type of behavior and why? I may not always forgive right away but I am able to let things go or get over it and move on. Life is short. If we can let go of grudges, we can be happier and even live longer!


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## Underock1 (Jul 30, 2016)

Its all in my tag line. People are what life has made them. Blaming them for their actions is like cursing the clouds when it rains. Hate is like drinking poison and waiting for your enemy to die. The most destructive line on the planet is "I don't get mad. I get even". You can be sure that you won't be "even" for very long. Live in the past and have regrets. Live in the future and worry. Live in the present and be happy.ld: 

....or you can just go pour yourself a gin and tonic, which I am about to do.:woohoo:


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## Underock1 (Jul 30, 2016)

Debby said:


> I had that experience of forgiving someone regarding my dad Ruthanne.  When I was about nine, one day he was just gone.  My mom told me in the beginning that he was on a holiday, but then he didn't come back from it.  I can remember being very afraid because my 'daddy wasn't there to protect me'  even though he'd been pretty much a wash out as a father up till the time he left.  Probably because he was an alcoholic and his booze and parties were more important to him.  Kids sure see things differently don't they?
> 
> Anyway as I hit my teens and older and then had my first baby, I harboured a grudge and anger that we'd been dumped.  But there came a point where I suddenly realized that the truth really was that he should never have been a father in the first place.  Just not one of his gifts you know and from that point on, my hurt feelings began to heal.  He married my mom because it was the expected thing to do in that circumstance and we were all the collateral damage for trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
> 
> Unfortunately for him, he died before I came to that new understanding so I was never able to tell him that I wasn't angry any more.



We do get a better perspective on things as we get older, don't we? In the end, we are all just trying to struggle through with whatever we have to work with. Sorry to say that all men are definitely _not _created equal.


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## tnthomas (Jul 30, 2016)

Ruthanne said:


> What happens if I can't forgive someone?  See this link: http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=2



Great article, Ruthanne!


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## Loosey (Jul 31, 2016)

I agree with all of the above, and it's a reminder everyone can use from time to time.

Forgiveness is more a gift to the forgiver than the forgiven.

Also, viewing the world through a negative lens hurts no one so much as the viewer.  We can't always control what happens to us, but we can control how we react.

Aren't we a wise bunch?


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## Capt Lightning (Jul 31, 2016)

I do not believe in forgiving unless the person who has hurt you is genuinely sorry for their actions.   Otherwise, you have simply let them get away with it.


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## Debby (Jul 31, 2016)

Underock1 said:


> Its all in my tag line. People are what life has made them. Blaming them for their actions is like cursing the clouds when it rains. Hate is like drinking poison and waiting for your enemy to die. The most destructive line on the planet is "I don't get mad. I get even". You can be sure that you won't be "even" for very long. Live in the past and have regrets. Live in the future and worry. Live in the present and be happy.ld:
> 
> ....or you can just go pour yourself a gin and tonic, which I am about to do.:woohoo:




I like what you said!

I can understand that you say what you did Captain, but my experience is that we forgive for our own peace of mind.  My mom is still 'angry' about my father, who he was, what he did or didn't do and you can still rile her up about him 50 years later.  On the other hand, I'm over it.  I'm not mad, I understand that he was doing something in life that he just wasn't suited for and wasn't strong enough to manage it.


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## Cookie (Jul 31, 2016)

Rather than the word 'forgive' I prefer the words 'to let go'.  Ideally I want to understand why they did what they did and have a dialogue, but that is usually impossible, the worse the deed, the less likely the perpetrator will admit to any wrongdoing, or usually gets angry and attacks if it is mentioned.  Most people who have hurt us with a sharp word or wrong deed will usually feel sorry and be approachable.  

We do want to believe that the abuser was weak and damaged and acted out of some kind of desperation.  We want to know their history to find out their motives, but it could be the work of a person with a personality disorder, a sociopath -- be it a relative, a co-worker, a boss or a partner. 

Best to be armed with knowledge of how to recognize the signs of a sociopath and be wise to their game, and avoid them at all costs of possible. We don't need to forgive them, we just need to understand what they are and stay away.  

See below:  Profile of a sociopath 

http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

[url]http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/sociopath-psychopath-difference
[/URL]


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2016)

Excellent article Cookie.


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## Cookie (Jul 31, 2016)

Thanks, Shalimar, 

I just added another site, re differences betw sociopaths and psychopaths.  This is an area of personal interest to me.


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## Ruthanne (Jul 31, 2016)

Capt Lightning said:


> I do not believe in forgiving unless the person who has hurt you is genuinely sorry for their actions.   Otherwise, you have simply let them get away with it.


If you read the article you will see that forgiveness is not for the one being forgiven but for you to have peace of mind again.


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## Ruthanne (Jul 31, 2016)

Cookie said:


> Rather than the word 'forgive' I prefer the words 'to let go'.  Ideally I want to understand why they did what they did and have a dialogue, but that is usually impossible, the worse the deed, the less likely the perpetrator will admit to any wrongdoing, or usually gets angry and attacks if it is mentioned.  Most people who have hurt us with a sharp word or wrong deed will usually feel sorry and be approachable.
> 
> We do want to believe that the abuser was weak and damaged and acted out of some kind of desperation.  We want to know their history to find out their motives, but it could be the work of a person with a personality disorder, a sociopath -- be it a relative, a co-worker, a boss or a partner.
> 
> ...


If you read the article you will see that forgiveness is not for the benefit of the wrong-doer but for the benefit of the one done wrong. You can even forgive a sociopath but that will most likely take time.  Holding onto bitter feelings towards anyone only hurts you.

I have heard of a mother who's son was killed by a man who went to prison for it.  The mother forgave the man for killing her son and even after awhile visited the man and tried to get the man closer to Jesus Christ.


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## Ruthanne (Jul 31, 2016)

As it says in the article that forgiveness gives many benefits to the one who forgives and even this:

"As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding."

This is something you can work toward if you cannot forgive right now....it can be a goal for somewhere in the future.


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## Ruthanne (Jul 31, 2016)

Carla said:


> Good article, Ruthanne. I remember my grandfather and grandmother used to sit and talk about things that happened years ago, things that were said and done to them. Not much fun being around them. My other grandparents were more positive yet I being young, couldn't figure out why I liked them better. My parents were divoriced over 30 yrs and while my Dad remarried (happily) my Mother harbored bad feelings till she died. She used to complain and complain like it happened yesterday. It upset me a lot, finally one day I had to just tell her to stop. I wonder if some of us are more prone to this type of behavior and why? I may not always forgive right away but I am able to let things go or get over it and move on. Life is short. If we can let go of grudges, we can be happier and even live longer!


Yes, it is hard to listen to those who are judging and blaming over and over again for sure.  My mom and dad did this but my dad even more so.  I am thankful that in their later years they became more mellow and understanding.  I think some of us learn to constantly judge and blame and it comes from different sources that we learn it.   I had a class where we learned to try and stop judging which is a very hard thing to do for most of us.  But it made me conscious of judging and helped me to start doing it less.  I still have gone backwards at times and fallen into it again but it's something I can always start working on again if I fall back.


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## Ruthanne (Jul 31, 2016)

Loosey said:


> I agree with all of the above, and it's a reminder everyone can use from time to time.
> 
> Forgiveness is more a gift to the forgiver than the forgiven.
> 
> ...


Exactly!!  :love_heart:


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## Ruthanne (Jul 31, 2016)

Underock1 said:


> Its all in my tag line. People are what life has made them. Blaming them for their actions is like cursing the clouds when it rains. Hate is like drinking poison and waiting for your enemy to die. The most destructive line on the planet is "I don't get mad. I get even". You can be sure that you won't be "even" for very long. Live in the past and have regrets. Live in the future and worry. Live in the present and be happy.ld:
> 
> ....or you can just go pour yourself a gin and tonic, which I am about to do.:woohoo:


Hey underock, I like how you think!  Very wise words!


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## Ruthanne (Jul 31, 2016)

Debby said:


> I had that experience of forgiving someone regarding my dad Ruthanne.  When I was about nine, one day he was just gone.  My mom told me in the beginning that he was on a holiday, but then he didn't come back from it.  I can remember being very afraid because my 'daddy wasn't there to protect me'  even though he'd been pretty much a wash out as a father up till the time he left.  Probably because he was an alcoholic and his booze and parties were more important to him.  Kids sure see things differently don't they?
> 
> Anyway as I hit my teens and older and then had my first baby, I harboured a grudge and anger that we'd been dumped.  But there came a point where I suddenly realized that the truth really was that he should never have been a father in the first place.  Just not one of his gifts you know and from that point on, my hurt feelings began to heal.  He married my mom because it was the expected thing to do in that circumstance and we were all the collateral damage for trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
> 
> Unfortunately for him, he died before I came to that new understanding so I was never able to tell him that I wasn't angry any more.


I'm so sorry about your dad Debby.  That was a very bitter pill to swallow.  But after going through that eventually you learned to heal your wounds and that is great!  Looking at things from another viewpoint can bring us new feelings of relief.


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## Ruthanne (Jul 31, 2016)

As forgiveness is for the one forgiving only-one does not have to have anything to do with the one who offended them.  But forgiving makes the forgiver not have to hold onto bitterness and anger.  I am trying to do this.  I have had some very bad experiences in my life as a child, teenager, adult, and older adult. 

I had a lot of anger I was holding onto and thought it was justified.  And maybe it was!  But I started looking for joy and happiness after awhile, too, and found that forgiveness had something to do with it.


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## SeaBreeze (Jul 31, 2016)

Ruthanne, you've been through so much, very sad.  I really hope your future is brighter and happier for you, you deserve it.


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## Ruthanne (Jul 31, 2016)

SeaBreeze said:


> Ruthanne, you've been through so much, very sad.  I really hope your future is brighter and happier for you, you deserve it.


:thanks:so much SB.  I guess that is something I should believe, that I deserve it.  I am going to hold onto that.


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## Cookie (Jul 31, 2016)

Ruthanne, I understand where your coming from, I've read your article  and many like it about forgiveness. And I agree that forgiveness is a  healing process for the victim's benefit.  As I stated in my post, I prefer the phrase 'let go'.  Let go of the pain, the hatred, the anger and the bad memories and thoughts.  However, its not that easy, as you probably know and can take some time and therapy and understanding.  You've had some very traumatic events and I feel for you.  

There are many healing therapies out there that can help, spiritual healers in particular - I've done meditation, chanting, shiatzu massage, yoga, art therapy in particular I found very effective, even physio therapy, some practitioners practice a very subtle form of therapy that deals with the trauma hidden in the tissues of the body.  You will find a way to make it happen. I send healing energy to you.


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## Ruthanne (Jul 31, 2016)

Cookie said:


> Ruthanne, I understand where your coming from, I've read your article  and many like it about forgiveness. And I agree that forgiveness is a  healing process for the victim's benefit.  As I stated in my post, I prefer the phrase 'let go'.  Let go of the pain, the hatred, the anger and the bad memories and thoughts.  However, its not that easy, as you probably know and can take some time and therapy and understanding.  You've had some very traumatic events and I feel for you.
> 
> There are many healing therapies out there that can help, spiritual healers in particular - I've done meditation, chanting, shiatzu massage, yoga, art therapy in particular I found very effective, even physio therapy, some practitioners practice a very subtle form of therapy that deals with the trauma hidden in the tissues of the body.  You will find a way to make it happen. I send healing energy to you.


No, it isn't always easy.  Some things are easier than others but the big things are harder, yes.  I have been through some therapy several times but the therapists betrayed me, too.  I just didn't have good luck with it.  You are right about forgiving taking time and not everyone is in the position to forgive and needs to take some steps to get there.  Time has done some healing for me and the saying is true about time healing, too.  I found movies to be catharctic when they were about what I have been through.  I have done meditation and have been doing some more recently along with creative visualization to deal with feelings at times.  I like self help strategies that I can read about and think they have done a lot of good for me.  Also, my educational background helped me to work out a lot of things, too, we were told to apply the principles of Psychology to ourselves, or to someone we know and I chose both but mainly myself and did a some healing that way.  When I turn 60 next year I am going to try to take the free classes offered at the college downtown for those over 60.  Maybe I will take Yoga and see what else is offered as well.  All I will have to pay for is the books.  I have found education to be a good way to heal, too.  I don't know if total healing ever happens because there is some damage that does not seem to go away and shows up in the form of a kind of tourette's and ptsd, and depression.  Today seems to be a good day, though, and I just take it one day at a time.  Thanks for your thoughtful post.


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## Underock1 (Jul 31, 2016)

Debby said:


> I like what you said!



  Thanks, Debbie. Not sure if its the bit of wisdom from Buddha or the idea of the gin and tonic that you like, but both work.


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## Ruthanne (Jul 31, 2016)

This is important for me to add:  I'm sorry if anyone got the impression that I am pushing a quick fix forgiveness that is instantaneous but that is not at all what the article says and not at all what I mean either.  I know many have had traumatic things happen in their lives and things that are hard to process and I know it from experience.  I had some real anger to vent for a long time and some people did not understand that so it came down to being my own best friend and allowing myself to have all the feelings I have no matter what they were.  I had to allow myself to be human despite my grade school Catholic upbringing, despite that I was also taught a woman does not get angry or she is a b****, or that I was being "unpleasant".  No one can put a time length on how long it takes to heal, to process painful and "unapproved of" feelings, to stop looking over their shoulder all the time, to feel people may want to hurt them, to let out all the tears that may fill the ocean, and to get to a new understanding of self.  I feel we are never the same again but if we live one day at a time and appreciate the good days and try to make it through the rough ones by using things we have been taught or discovered somehow we can have a more peaceful journey and find some joy.


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## Capt Lightning (Aug 1, 2016)

Ruthanne said:


> If you read the article you will see that forgiveness is not for the one being forgiven but for you to have peace of mind again.



Forgiveness without remorse would give me no peace of mind whatsoever.


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## Ruthanne (Aug 1, 2016)

Capt Lightning said:


> Forgiveness without remorse would give me no peace of mind whatsoever.


I understand.


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## Debby (Aug 1, 2016)

Ruthanne said:


> Yes, it is hard to listen to those who are judging and blaming over and over again for sure.  My mom and dad did this but my dad even more so.  I am thankful that in their later years they became more mellow and understanding.  I think some of us learn to constantly judge and blame and it comes from different sources that we learn it.   I had a class where we learned to try and stop judging which is a very hard thing to do for most of us.  But it made me conscious of judging and helped me to start doing it less.  I still have gone backwards at times and fallen into it again but it's something I can always start working on again if I fall back.




I think your comment about learning to blame and not forgive is very insightful Ruthanne.  We learn so many of our negative behaviours from others, but when you look at how kids interact when they're very little (before the indoctrination really takes root), they frequently could give some of the grownups a lesson on getting along.

You're also right, the 'forgiveness' or 'letting it go' can often take years to accomplish but it's so worthwhile for your own peace of mind.


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## Brookswood (Aug 1, 2016)

I think many people confuse forgiveness with accepting and even approving the bad actions of others.  

Certainly, being bitter does no good.  There is an old saying that is still true:  *Being bitter is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.  *

But forgiveness does not mean one has to passively accept injustice, and allow it to be continued.   Like many I have forgiven certain people who did terrible things to me.   Life goes on.  But, I do not allow these people to be in a position to injure me again.


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## Debby (Aug 2, 2016)

I think you're also making a good point Brookswood.  Forgiving someone for a past hurt doesn't mean they get free pass to hurt you again.  They might be forgiven, but if they ever want trust again, it has to be earned back.


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## Ruthanne (Aug 2, 2016)

Debby said:


> I think your comment about learning to blame and not forgive is very insightful Ruthanne.  We learn so many of our negative behaviours from others, but when you look at how kids interact when they're very little (before the indoctrination really takes root), they frequently could give some of the grownups a lesson on getting along.
> 
> You're also right, the 'forgiveness' or 'letting it go' can often take years to accomplish but it's so worthwhile for your own peace of mind.


I remember being a child and having unconditional love for everyone, it was great!  Yes, we can learn a lot from children.  



Brookswood said:


> I think many people confuse forgiveness with accepting and even approving the bad actions of others.
> 
> Certainly, being bitter does no good.  There is an old saying that is still true:  *Being bitter is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.  *
> 
> But forgiveness does not mean one has to passively accept injustice, and allow it to be continued.   Like many I have forgiven certain people who did terrible things to me.   Life goes on.  But, I do not allow these people to be in a position to injure me again.


That's so true.



Debby said:


> I think you're also making a good point Brookswood.  Forgiving someone for a past hurt doesn't mean they get free pass to hurt you again.  They might be forgiven, but if they ever want trust again, it has to be earned back.


Yes, I agree.


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