# Should I try to get my husband's driver's license taken away?



## WheatenLover (Sep 8, 2021)

Please help me figure this out. I want to do the right thing or just stick my head in the sand. My kids are pressuring me to get my husband's license taken away. We are all worried that DH will kill or injure himself or someone else. So far, DH has not had any accidents that injured anything except his car, a rental car, and a few other cars -- over the course of his life.

My husband, from whom I am separated, probably needs to have his driver's license taken away. He drives over curves and gets flat tires pretty frequently. He sometimes drifts into the oncoming lane without noticing it. His foot slipped off the brake, for the first time I knew about it, and the car went forward and knocked over a handicapped sign.

The kids and I have noticed for several years that damage has been done to my husband's car. Sometimes he blames it on happening in a parking lot when he was not present. The kids want him off the road so their father doesn't injure or kill anyone, including himself. They also want me to never ride with him again. I go somewhere with him once a week (but never leave the car because I have cancer). If I did not do this, he would see anyone else he knows. He is very lonely.

My husband has had 6 strokes. Because of that, he can barely walk. His stride length is about an inch.  He also a brain disorder similar to Parkinson's  Disease. His cerebral cortex is shrinking. He falls several times a week, all of a sudden. He will use a cane once in awhile, refuses all other aids. He also has Diabetes type 2, for which he has made zero lifestyle changes. He is on a lot of meds from his regular doctor and from his neurologist. He has that disease where one has to use a CPAP machine. He refuses to use a CPAP. So this is untreated. He takes a lot of naps. He has smoked for 50+ years, about 1.5 packs a day.

All of the above has been going on since 2012.

To reach a bathroom, his bedroom, or the car, he has to go up and down stairs. He falls on the stairs, too. He will not move into a one-story apartment with no stairs, that is in town, where he can get services.  He won't tell me why. I am 99% sure it is because he wouldn't have room for his 1500 books, and his law office. His law practice has dwindled to nothing and his books are his passion. He used to have 50,000 books. If he moved to town, he couldn't ride the bus because he can't walk to a bus stop. I think Uber is available one or two days a week. Taxi service has to come from a town about 40 miles away.

Here's where the problem gets complicated. My husband lives in the country. There are no public transportation, Uber, or taxi options. Instacart, Walmart home delivery of groceries, and Door Dash, etc. do not deliver to where he lives. It will be a cold day in hell before he buys food from a meal service. He does not know how to cook and likely can't stand long enough to do it anyway.

My husband has no friends (except for me --our kids are adults and none will have anything to do with him). Three of the four kids live in California which is across the country from us. The other one, our daughter, lives with me and refuses to have anything to do with her father (no different than my sons in CA).

I cannot provide transportation to my husband because I can't drive because of ongoing cancer treatment and the side effects from that.

My 2 questions are:

Do you think that my husband is in condition to drive a car? He goes out every day for at minimum a 20 mile round trip.

If you think his doctor should arrange to take his license away, how would you balance safety of him and others, against the fact that he will be stuck at home and unable to get to anywhere he wants or needs to go. No food. No Barnes & Noble, No restaurants.  He will think his life has been totally ruined, and he'd be close to right.

Do not assume that my  husband will be willing to help himself. Do not assume my husband will tell the truth, and the whole truth, if the doc or the dept of transportation asks him questions. If you do assume any of this, you will be 100% wrong to have done so.

And don't assume that my husband is addicted to alcohol or drugs, that he screws around on me, or that he hits me or anyone else. That he does not do. He is a narcissist, that's all.  Do not assume he will stop driving if he gets his licensed revoked. Be glad if this happens that I can outrun him!


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## mellowyellow (Sep 8, 2021)

I agree with you, he will think his life has been totally ruined and it will be.  Awful decision for you, I personally wouldn't do it.


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## ohioboy (Sep 8, 2021)

His license can't be suspended/revoked except by Due Process of law. That basically means court intervention or some rule/regulation of the Dept. of Motor vehicles that can be invoked, which, if possible, would take statements/affidavits etc.


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## Wren (Sep 8, 2021)

I would discuss it with his doctor and let him make the decision


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## CAKCy (Sep 8, 2021)

1. He is not in a condition to drive a car. He is going to injure or kill somebody or himself if he continues.
2. It will totally ruin his life both psychologically and physically since he won't be able to cover for his mental and physical needs.

Very difficult dilemma without a correct decision.

You said you are separated from him yet you seem to still care for him.
At the very end you say that he is not a monster. Just a narcissist (which is a trait that many people have).
Furthermore you say that you ride with him somewhere once a week (which tells me that there's still some sort of relationship between the two of you).

I'm not sure what the reasons of your separation are and I don't really need to know.
My suggestion (for both of you) would be an agreement to get back together provided he gives up his license willingly and moves with you in your(?) town apartment. It solves many problems without creating new ones that cannot be overcome.


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## Lara (Sep 8, 2021)

He doesn't care about anyone but himself according to your post.
Let go.
You're not separated. You're just living close by and traveling to and from.
Let go.
Tell him if he doesn't want your help then he's on his own.
Let go.
He's too proud, too stubborn, too selfish to change anything according to your post
Let go.
Tell him when he's ready to embrace what you tell him to do then he can call you, but otherwise
Let go.
At that point, call the many professional not-for-profit organizations out there that can help him at no charge.
Then Let go. Just pray for him because that's all that's left for you to do.


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## win231 (Sep 8, 2021)

I was in the same situation with my dad - when he got to be around 83, he started hitting flower pots, signs & cars.  I knew one day it would be a pedestrian.  His wife stopped driving when she was around 40.
I started driving them everywhere every day for the last couple of years of their lives.  Your husband definitely needs a driver, or else this can happen:  (10 people killed, 70 injured)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_Monica_Farmers_Market_crash


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## WheatenLover (Sep 8, 2021)

ohioboy said:


> His license can't be suspended/revoked except by Due Process of law. That basically means court intervention or some rule/regulation of the Dept. of Motor vehicles that can be invoked, which, if possible, would take statements/affidavits etc.


An MD can report him. But no one has done so.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 8, 2021)

win231 said:


> I was in the same situation with my dad - when he got to be around 83, he started hitting flower pots, signs & cars.  I knew one day it would be a pedestrian.  His wife stopped driving when she was around 40.
> I started driving them everywhere every day for the last couple of years of their lives.  Your husband definitely needs a driver, or else this can happen:  (10 people killed, 70 injured)
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_Monica_Farmers_Market_crash


He can't afford a driver. My daughter, who lives with me, hates him and refuses to help him in any way. I haven't driven since I got cancer because the chemo, surgery, and radiation have too many side effects to make it a safe option. 

I am real strict about driving. I look at the cars around me and pretend the drivers are people I dearly love. As a direct result of that, no road rage or getting angry or impatient. And I've never been stopped by the police, and have had only one accident when someone ran a red light and hit my car. I try real hard not to hurt anyone with my car.


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## senior chef (Sep 8, 2021)

If I was in your situation I'd be asking myself, "What if he killed a young mother and 3 children in a head-on crash ?" And, if that happened how would I feel ? To my way of thinking, nothing else matters. Not his feelings. Not his beloved books. Not his independance.


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## Aunt Bea (Sep 8, 2021)

It feels like something else is going on.

If your sons live out of state and your daughter has nothing to do with him it seems like they would have no direct knowledge of his ability to drive.

I would stop riding with him if I felt that his driving was dangerous.

The DMV guidelines vary from state to state so I would check the DMV website and follow the procedures outlined for your area.

Good luck to you and your family.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 8, 2021)

Lara said:


> You're not separated. You're just living close by and traveling to and from.
> Let go.
> 
> At that point, call the many professional not-for-profit organizations out there that can help him at no charge.
> Then Let go. Just pray for him because that's all that's left for you to do.


No, we are separated. My plans were messed up. I was going to move to a state in which I have friends and family, where there is no snow, and buy a house. Then Covid happened and I got cancer.

The only reason I go 1.5 miles down the street to a fast food restaurant, to eat with him in the car, is that I am literally the only person who will talk to him. I feel sorry for him. I know he is lonely. I also know he is not willing to do anything about it.

Pretty much, he wants me to move back in and take care of everything. Right now he can't do a lot of things because of his illnesses. No big change -- he never did any of those things (re house and yard) to begin with.

Besides all that, I just feel badly/guilty about being the only person there for him (in my minimal way) because he is so lonely, and so disabled and sick. I cannot imagine living in a world in which I had no friends to talk to. Having me and the kids seemed to fill his social tank. Now he just has me. 

For 40 years, I was a Christian. Now I am an Agnostic/Atheist. I still think a lot of things in the Bible are important. Among them is "Love one another as I have loved you". (May be paraphrased). Nowhere does it says make sure to wait until one of the people loves you first. Nor does it say that this command is only talking about loving people who are just like you. 

Nor does it precisely define how Jesus loved us. In the OT, in Hebrews if I remember correctly, we are instructed to be hospitable to strangers, because some of them might be angels. I think this love stuff is connected somehow to the NT -- but I no longer recall how I worked that out.

The big thing here is that I think that people are social creatures and are not meant to live their lives alone. So it seems to me that with my husband literally only being willing to have me spend time with him (since the triplets moved to CA and hate him), it would be unloving to leave him alone even though he is not interested in loving others as Jesus has loved him.

Frankly, I do not think my husband knows what love is, and I don't think he loves me (although he thinks he does). He is in this marriage for himself. Also since two of my kids are autistic, I think my husband is too. Once he asked me if I thought he was autistic too, and when I said yes, he refused to talk about it any longer. Which led to me thinking that he can't help being autistic or mentally ill (narcissism), so he should be treated in a loving manner since this was not his fault. Sometimes I think, even though in general people think I am very practical and have plenty of common sense, that maybe I am just smart but not in those ways.

But I do think that Jesus commandment is very important, whether or not one is a Christian.

OTOH, my kids think that I was an abused wife (by his narcissism) and am just programmed by him over the years to serve him. This despite the fact that the decisions I've made throughout our long marriage have to do with doing what was best for my kids, and trying to reason with my husband with provable facts, and lack of money. 

Also I made plenty of mistakes in my life, despite thinking things through very carefully, that had deleterious effects upon my life. The pre-Covid plan to leave him was the first time I had the means via an inheritance to do so. I actually invited him to move with me, and he refused, saying that if I did that I would ruin his life. I was going to do it anyway. Time I stood up for myself and did something I had wanted to do for 30 years. My plan was to stop focusing on my mistakes since they were in the past, and move forward. These were big mistakes that changed the course of my life for the worse.


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## terry123 (Sep 8, 2021)

Since you cannot let go, you need to move back in and drive him everywhere.  Just my opinion of course.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 8, 2021)

senior chef said:


> If I was in your situation I'd be asking myself, "What if he killed a young mother and 3 children in a head-on crash ?" And, if that happened how would I feel ? To my way of thinking, nothing else matters. Not his feelings. Not his beloved books. Not his independance.


The only problem with that is he will do nothing to help himself. He will instead blame me for ruining his life (a refrain I have only heard a couple of times). He will be more angry than at any other time, and he will very likely continue to drive. 

The first time was when he had to declare bankruptcy because he had 20 unpaid credit cards with limits up to $20,000, he lost a job which put our house into foreclosure. This was because we owed less than we paid for it. I was not on the mortgage or on any other asset because he wouldn't let me be. I didn't know about the credit cards. The only way I found out about our financial situation was he went out of town with his laptop and I would only give him the password if he agreed I could take over the finances. I am an accountant and something was really wrong at his income level compared to our lifestyle.

The second time was when we moved to another state, and 8 years later, I did not have the money to pay both the office rent and the house rent. He wanted me to pay the office rent and just get evicted from our rental house. I couldn't do that, so he agreed to move the office to our home. The next day he signed a 3 year lease on the office, and got evicted.

He blamed me for both situations in their entirety even though I could prove with FACTS (numbers don't lie when backed up with bank statements) that I had nothing to do with it and had been frugal the entire time. 

Times 3 & 4 were when I decided to move out of state and when I moved out of the house 8.5 months ago to prevent my cancer-ridden self from catching Covid from him, and to prevent me from getting sick since I could not clean and he refused to.

In that 8.5 months, his house was never cleaned, and it is now full of mice on all three floors. Mice carry disease. He won't hire an exterminator and he won't hire a maid -- and he wouldn't do so even though I offered to pay for it. I rescinded the offers in April, and he is unwilling to pay for it out of his own funds because then he'd have to stop eating in restaurants twice a day (which he has done for 35 years), not buy books, and not spend money on Brooks Bros. clothes. He was always a clotheshorse.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 8, 2021)

terry123 said:


> Since you cannot let go, you need to move back in and drive him everywhere.  Just my opinion of course.


I can't. I have an aggressive cancer, for which I have undergone treatment for a year, so far. I cannot drive due to side effects of treatment. He hasn't cleaned the house ever, and since I was to sick to do so until I had the strength to move (from house to car to my house and from car), the total time the house hasn't been cleaned is about a year. It is full of mice, it is filthy, and he is unable to take care of me if I move back in. Not that he would, by the way. He has never taken care of me when I needed help.


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## terry123 (Sep 8, 2021)

Then just let go and take care of yourself.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 8, 2021)

Aunt Bea said:


> It feels like something else is going on.
> 
> If your sons live out of state and your daughter has nothing to do with him it seems like they would have no direct knowledge of his ability to drive.
> 
> ...


Son #1 moved to CA in early November last year. He was supposed to move in with me, and had bought everything he needed and moved it into the house. But he was in love with his boyfriend and moved out. They had been boyfriends online for 2 years and were very close to one another. But they had never met. So I paid for the boyfriend to visit for a couple of weeks (in an Airbnb they both stayed in).  Then they stayed in my rental house for another week, and with my daughter for a few days, and then went to  CA. I was not around them because of the cancer/Covid problem.

Son #2 moved out of my house in March, and joined his brother (son #3) who had already moved out. The idea after #1 moved to CA, was that #2 and #3 would split the week with me (one at a time) and their father. But they both moved in with me. Son #3 was spending all his time sleeping, using his medical marijuana constantly, and watching tv all night. Twice he had to go to the ER at his request because he OD'd on the edible marijuana. Son #2 had his days and nights reversed. They both spent a lot of  $$ on door dash and never cleaned up after themselves. Then they surprised me by moving my daughter in. All 3 of them said I would have to evict them under the law (they were right).

Then Son #3, who is bipolar, went off his meds and refused therapy. He became very hateful toward my daughter and me -- cussing and accusing us of things that did not happen -- which when I said that, he said I was a lying abuser. So he moved out into a hotel.

Son #2 listened to everything Son #3 said (no surprise, the boys are triplets) and moved in with his brother and paid for the hotel and everything else.

Son #3 (untreated bipolar) self-medicated with pot and alcohol. He was very verbally abusive to  Son #2. Finally Son #2 decided to move to CA.

When that happened Son #3 called his brothers and told them that all 3 had only 3 years more to live because they had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Then he went to the ER and demanded to be diagnosed with it, to no avail. It did not matter that I had been a teetotaler for 7 years before I got pregnant with them, and for 16 years thereafter. He said I was an alcoholic.

Son #3 moved to CA to be with his brothers, even though they both told him not to come. He showed up last week without warning. So far Son #2 refuses to see him because he continues to be extremely verbally abusive. Son #1 said he would immediately call the police if Son #3 showed up at his home.

My daughter, whom I would not have chosen to live with (she hates cleaning) stayed and she has been very helpful. She drives me to my appointments and takes full care of my dog. She runs all our errands. She even does housework. She is a full-time graduate student studying for a MS in data analytics and works as a graduate student in the data analytics field in exchange for her tuition. She is going part-time because the dog and I, cooking meals, cleaning, and driving take up pretty much all of her time. She has really come through for me, and I am very proud of her.

Edited to add: While living at my house, Son #3 also frequently threw things at my daughter and me, threw away some of my belongings, etc. It was like he was having extreme tantrums and it scared both of us.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 8, 2021)

terry123 said:


> Then just let go and take care of yourself.


I can't figure out why I can't. I mean, if I look at the facts of my time being married to him (not that it is all his fault -- I have never been perfect), then he really doesn't deserve me to try to keep him from being lonely -- although seeing him for an hour once a week is not exactly a lot, I do talk to him on the phone several times a week, too.

OTOH, I have this love one another thing going. And I can't reconcile that with leaving him with no one to talk to and see.

And then there's him, wanting me to move back in, which would be the worst thing for someone in my condition. That isn't loving to me. But loving one another does not mean one has to wait to be loved first. No one wants to be friends with him, mostly because he doesn't want to be friends with them. I think, frankly, it is because no one is good enough for him, except for me and he used to get a lot of work out me.

*I realize I am all screwed up about this. And I don't know why.* There is not one person who knows my husband who thinks I should worry about him. And yet, before covid and cancer, I was looking at houses in another state with firm plans to happily move there with my dog and any of my kids who wanted to move there too. I was looking forward to being with my family and friends. And to being without my husband. I was also looking forward to being able to live like I want to, and to figure out how to get back to my real self who existed before I was consumed by being a wife, mother, and problem solver, housekeeper, etc. for my family.

And I was ecstatic about moving back home, to a place I should have never moved from because I was so happy there. I had a job that I loved so much I felt guilty for being paid for it. I had tons of friends and family. I had everything I ever wanted, with plans for the future. I've been back on visits over the 12 years (once the kids were old enough to take care of themselves), and it was like finally being back home.


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## Warrigal (Sep 8, 2021)

WheatenLover said:


> My daughter, whom I would not have chosen to live with (she hates cleaning) stayed and she has been very helpful. She drives me to my appointments and takes full care of my dog. She runs all our errands. She even does housework. She is a full-time graduate student studying for a MS in data analytics and works as a graduate student in the data analytics field in exchange for her tuition. She is going part-time because the dog and I, cooking meals, cleaning, and driving take up pretty much all of her time. She has really come through for me, and I am very proud of her.


You certainly have a lot to contend with but an attentive daughter is indeed a blessing.
Give her a hug from an old woman in Australia. 
Have a couple for yourself too


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## WheatenLover (Sep 8, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> 1. He is not in a condition to drive a car. He is going to injure or kill somebody or himself if he continues.
> 2. It will totally ruin his life both psychologically and physically since he won't be able to cover for his mental and physical needs.
> 
> Very difficult dilemma without a correct decision.
> ...


He doesn't have simply the traits, he has the whole enchilada. I didn't believe my kids for years, and I spent countless hours researching it. Still, I had trouble believing it. Finally came around to agreeing with them because I think they are right.

I feel sorry him because he has no friends except for me. No one likes him and he doesn't like them either. I don't know why. He is perfectly friendly when someone is a client and is paying him the big bucks. Otherwise, no.

He keeps telling me he is very lonely. So I decided to spend an hour a week with him, and to talk to him on the phone several times a week. This in the spirit of loving one another as Jesus loves us. Even though I am an agnostic/atheist, I still think this is a good rule of life.

He can't live here. I have a 2-bedroom house. He does not clean up after himself or do anything else having to do with housework. He never has, but now he can't. I can't. And my daughter can't take care of him too. She would have to drive him, and clean up after him, cook meals to his standards, do his laundry, and find someone to get him up when he falls, keep him from feeding the dog his food (dog still has 5 lbs to lose), and when he is incontinent, clean up everything his bowels anoint. 

A couple of weeks a plumber came to his house to fix the toilet. The plumber actually cleaned the bathroom. It had not been cleaned for a year or more. 

My husband does not throw things in the trash. He throws them on the floor. His house is full of mice because of his filthy habits. 

I cannot live like that. I like a tidy house, kept clean, and organized. This is very important to me. I cannot return to being his slave, basically.

Also my daughter will move out if he moves in, and I don't blame her. He won't move in, though. He's already told me that, although I didn't ask him to. He is the first person I've ever met who will do absolutely nothing to help himself. He is unsafe in the house he lives in, and refuses to move to an apartment that has no stairs, in town.

His behavior ruled by whatever makes him so stubborn. He has _never_ taken my advice on anything except when forced to do so by outside forces beyond his control (bankruptcy, foreclosure). I think it is because I am a female, and he has clearly defined roles for women. 

By the way, he was not like this when he was courting me. There were red flags, but being both stupid and in love, I didn't notice them. 

I can stop seeing him and talking to him. I am afraid he will kill himself "by accident". He frequently falls. He refuses to keep his *charged* cell phone with him so he can call for help. He refuses to wear one of those things that he could press a button and help would be contacted. He could lie there for days and starve to death. Or break his neck.

This is a man who has repeatedly told me over 3+ decades that he wants every available measure taken to keep him alive if he is ever hospitalized. He would rather be in a coma for years, still having the hope he would come out of it. No DNRs for him. So I don't think he has a death wish. In fact, he told me that the last time I saw him. I can't figure it out. His quality of life seems to be very poor and it will never get better.

And I hate being a person who says no to every solution. I can't talk to him about this because he will get mad and refuse to discuss whatever it is. The only thing I haven't tried to discuss with him is losing his license. He will get extremely mad, refuse to discuss it, and I do not know what else. All the other problems he has, that have good solutions, he refuses to do, and he won't tell me how he reached those decisions.

I have 35 years of living with him. How can I not care about someone I've lived with for more than half my life? My kids don't understand this. He thinks he was a wonderful #1 father. The kids recall that he was rarely home and worked 7 days a week _by choice_. When they were 5 and 6, the whole family was around the dinner table. My husband was only home for dinner on major holidays. I asked the kids to tell us what their favorite presents were. They said, in unison, Daddy being home for dinner. I thought hearing that would make him think. But it had no effect on him, except for a big smile.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 8, 2021)

Warrigal said:


> You certainly have a lot to contend with but an attentive daughter is indeed a blessing.
> Give her a hug from an old woman in Australia.
> Have a couple for yourself too


Thank you!


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## CAKCy (Sep 8, 2021)

WheatenLover said:


> He doesn't have simply the traits, he has the whole enchilada. I didn't believe my kids for years, and I spent countless hours researching it. Still, I had trouble believing it. Finally came around to agreeing with them because I think they are right.
> 
> I feel sorry him because he has no friends except for me. No one likes him and he doesn't like them either. I don't know why. He is perfectly friendly when someone is a client and is paying him the big bucks. Otherwise, no.
> 
> ...



As hard as it sounds you don't have many options and you are not responsible for his behavior. I've been in depression for the last 14-15 years and never did much to get out of it. My wife finally found the courage to overcome her guilt (and whatever she felt, if she did, for me) and left me to go back to the States. I was left alone in a condition very similar to your husband's. But I understand why she left and why it's right for her not to come back ever.

If you can overcome the guilt and manage to live in a blissful ignorance about him and his condition then going ahead with your pre-covid plans is your only logical option.

(Could he afford a live-in help?)


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## caroln (Sep 8, 2021)

Have you considered talking to him about moving to retirement housing?  My sister was a manager at a senior apartment complex where one building was independent living and the other was for people no longer able to take care of themselves without help.  They had various activities a person could join, areas for social gathering, and a van to take people shopping.  It would keep him from being lonely and he wouldn't have to drive.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 8, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> (Could he afford a live-in help?)


No, unfortunately not. And if he could, he wouldn't let them in the house. I suggested getting a home health aide, and he refused that, too. Actually, I was hoping that Medicare would cover it, but it is a waste of time for me to check on that.

Oh, and my pre-covid plans are not going to work. I have at least a year before I recover from the side effects of cancer treatment. 

Plus, to add insult to injury, my son now has control of my inheritance. This son is the one everyone who knows him completely, 100%, trusts. So did my mother. She talked to him, and so did I about him inheriting my share of her estate. He agreed to do it, knowing the plan was for me to buy a house, invest money for profit (which I am good at if I have money), and fund my retirement after I separated from my husband. 

The bank account was in my son's name but I had access to it. He had access to it, too, with his debit card. In late March, he asked me to give him the password and user name to the bank account. We would both be on it, but he wanted to be more involved and learn how to handle the account, etc. 

Once I gave it to him, he immediately changed the password. That is how he funded my bipolar son's living in a hotel from that point forward. He moved into the hotel with his brother right before he conned me into giving him the user/name and password.

He has promised to pay my bills since my social security is $150 less than my rent. He did not actually do that for several months. Then he made me give him my user name and password for other bills - my husband's life insurance, the dog's insurance, and utilities. Else he would not pay for those things. So far, he is doing that, but it made a big problem since I had set up auto payments using his debit card. But then he got a new debit card with a new number and didn't tell me.

He has faithfully paid all bills concerning the dog. That surprised me because the dog had surgery and 3 visits to the emergency vet. Those e-vet visits were around $500 each, and I don't remember what the surgery cost. But that's because my daughter handled those transactions, and I have chemo brain. That is like having big senior moments because chemo passes through the blood/brain barrier. It should resolve over time, and I can already see progress toward that goal.

He also promised to pay for my clothes and food and other things. To make sure, I called him and went over each cart (Chewy and Walmart) because he likes to approve my purchases.

Now, my mother and I had decided that we would put my part of the inheritance into a trust for me. But she was too sick and died a week later without that being done. She was real worried that my husband would get ahold of the money and spend it rapidly. She had esophageal cancer and uterine cancer that had suddenly metastized after the 5-year all clear. We took her to that famous cancer center in Houston. She had 6 months to live, but she died 2 weeks later, after getting rapidly worse.

So the trust thing didn't work out. Now my bipolar son has moved to California to be with his brothers - who do not want him there. He is just after the money my other son has control over. His mental illness is not treated except by his use of medical marijuana and alcohol. He is violent (verbally and by throwing things) and is just not having rational thoughts about anything.

My friends and husband cannot believe that Stephen took the money because every single person he knows, including me, thought he was literally 100% trustworthy. And he was, until that happened. He took the money so he could fund his new life. He is autistic, and refuses to get treatment or help for adults who have autism. He has never had a job. 

I just hope he doesn't run through the money because I need a lot of it in order to frugally support myself. My husband is not going to give me any alimony or money. He needs his all for himself. He runs through money like water, no matter how much or little he has.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 8, 2021)

caroln said:


> Have you considered talking to him about moving to retirement housing?  My sister was a manager at a senior apartment complex where one building was independent living and the other was for people no longer able to take care of themselves without help.  They had various activities a person could join, areas for social gathering, and a van to take people shopping.  It would keep him from being lonely and he wouldn't have to drive.


Yes, I have. He refuses to consider it. I told him his health is getting worse as it is not curable. I said that he needs to have a plan in place for when he is no longer able to live in that house. He made no reply and refuses to discuss it.

Since he has been falling a lot lately, I suggest a walker (wide, not made of aluminum) one of the members here has, and which helped her not to fall. He refused to let me buy it for him, because he will never use it. Then he quit talking about it with me.

He has always been an ignore problems and they will go away guy. He has always expected his ship to come in and had plans for that, but the ship never arrived. 

Mostly I don't talk about him to my friends IRL because this all sounds unbelievable to me. I have never met anyone who is like my husband in these odd ways.


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## Alligatorob (Sep 8, 2021)

You are in a tough situation, but it sounds to me like letting him continue to drive is putting him and, more importantly, innocent others at risk.  I think you should do what you can to stop him from driving.

However I am also not sure how much control you have, or how much this is your responsibility.  Sounds like you may need to cut off things with him.  Only you can know the right answer, and I know you are trying.  Best of luck with it.


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## Verisure (Sep 8, 2021)

Aunt Bea said:


> ........ The DMV guidelines vary from state to state so I would check the DMV website and follow the procedures outlined for your area. .......


WheatenLover! Aunt Bea is on to something! 
Contact whoever is in a position to have your husband take a new driver's test. Both the written and the road test. You can probably arrange it discreetly. *"Dear Sir, we are now giving the elderly refresher courses in driver's education but we first need to assess your skills to see whether or not you are eligible..."* or something like that. Then it's up to the authorities to see if the test results are sufficient.


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## Knight (Sep 8, 2021)

You obviously aren't capable of taking the direct action needed to help him & protect him & the general public. 

You have cancer & are getting treatments regularly. There should be a hospital administrator you could ask to talk to. The administrator should be able to point you to or arrange for you to get the problem you describe resolved. 

Getting help from an outside source is taking the action you know is needed.


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## GAlady (Sep 8, 2021)

ohioboy said:


> His license can't be suspended/revoked except by Due Process of law. That basically means court intervention or some rule/regulation of the Dept. of Motor vehicles that can be invoked, which, if possible, would take statements/affidavits etc.


Get the police to check up on him until he makes a mistake enough for a ticket.  Due process will follow.  That is what I had to do to get my Dad out of his car.


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## RadishRose (Sep 8, 2021)

The DMV or his auto insurance company may request an independent medical exam (IME) to continue driving privileges. This may be depending on what state he's in.


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## Verisure (Sep 8, 2021)

GAlady said:


> Get the police to check up on him until he makes a mistake enough for a ticket.  Due process will follow.  That is what I had to do to get my Dad out of his car.


That's a bit strong. If you start out with the police he'll be under suspicion from the get-go.  I think he should be tested by unbiased sources first. You just have to devise a way to get him tested without making any accusations. The DMV ought to be the best people to carry out such tests. Simple written and road test just like we all did once upon a time. If they think he's OK then he's probably .... OK!


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## Verisure (Sep 8, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> The DMV or his auto insurance company may request an independent medical exam (IME) to continue driving privileges. This may be depending on what state he's in.


Now you're talkin'!


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## Nathan (Sep 8, 2021)

@WheatenLover ,  You certainly have a lot on your plate, may God grant you the strength to endure.

Addressing the main issue:   maybe get his car keys and either hide them or take the car and hide it somewhere.


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## Verisure (Sep 8, 2021)

Nathan said:


> @WheatenLover ,  You certainly have a lot on your plate, may God grant you the strength to endure.
> 
> Addressing the main issue:  * maybe get his car keys and either hide them or take the car and hide it somewhere.*


Yeah, that'll calm him down for sure and make him a happier driver.


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## Aneeda72 (Sep 8, 2021)

I do not have time now to read this thread and re-read it to the extent I want.  But I have read some.  I’ve read enough.  I almost thought you were talking about my husband.  @WheatenLover .  I rarely suggest anyone read my thread concerning my husband but you might want to or not, whatever.

Anyway, you got an inheritance, you got away, you have money.

*Run, that’s my advice, my opinion, run.  Further advice stay, away from this guy.  You are trapped in the “I have loved this person for 30 years, I have children with this person, I owe this person, this person is mentally ill, I can’t leave this person, I must care for this person.”  It’s a trap!!  I’ve been trapped for over 50 years.  I have no money, no way to leave.

But you have managed to leave for whatever reason.  END IT!  My opinion is end it.  Now stay away.  See a psychiatrist or a psychologist to gain the strength to get a divorce.*


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## Don M. (Sep 8, 2021)

Visit your States DMV web site.  Most states have provisions for testing unsafe elderly drivers, and you can request such a test anonymously.


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## Nathan (Sep 8, 2021)

Verisure said:


> Yeah, that'll calm him down for sure and make him a happier driver.


Perhaps *not*, but it will get his attention AND keep him off the streets and maybe save somebody's life.


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## feywon (Sep 8, 2021)

Sometimes we have to get our priorities straight.  While i've gone the extra mile for exes too, my
kids came first and because i was a single Mom for much of their childhoods, i learned the hard but necessary lesson that if we don't take good care of ourselves we can't take care of others either. Considering how much your daughter has stepped up for you it is hard not to think the kids have good reason to have disassociated from their Dad and to want you to do so also.  If a job or substance (your use of it) was causing this must havoc in your life and distress for your children--you'd realize you needed to make changes, right?  Sometimes we get addicted to both to other people and to our own self-image.  We want to be kind and take care of anyone we've ever loved--but we have to face the fact that we are not responsible for the situations others get themselves into--they are!!! And if they won't accept reasonable life-improving suggestions, you have to let them muddle thru their own mess. 

Don't know where you live but most states have senior center networks. NM is considered one of the poorest states, yet even my small town (approx 800 residents) has a senior center that serves it and smaller nearby communities, also has a dialysis center. Of course that's probably why we're ranked as poor because taxes actually get spent on things that help people. You have to talk to his doctor, who may not even realize he's still driving, and to DMV in your county. 

*STRESS* is the biggest mitigator of all disease processes, it makes healing, even with best of treatment more difficult. You have to take care of you, or he's going to be all alone and in deep trouble anyway. If talking to him about it in that context doesn't move him to make the needed adjustments, for your sake and your children's i hope you can find the emotional courage to walk away from him. He is clearly as destructive to your life as any substance addiction can be.

As i was writing all that, a question occurred to me:  What would he do if his car simply could not run anymore?  Does he have a way to get another?  (Money and means?)  Such a turn of events might make him realize that moving into assisted living or checking with state agencies (sometimes they can arrange part time care givers/drivers on a sliding scale fee basis that might be less than upkeep on a vehicle) might be a smarter thing to do. (Some of the guys might be able to guess what i'd have done by now if he'd have to make changes if something happens to current car in a way that he couldn't replace it due to insurance $$.  ) 

i'm not going to tell you what i'd do despite my natural helping instincts. You're not me, what works for me (setting my priorities, letting the other person know i have to withdraw from doing things for/with them, and setting a deadline for that withdrawal unless they take verifiable actions toward resolving their difficulties and sticking to it) probably wouldn't work you as evidenced by your responses to the good suggestions you've received. 

My daughter actually had a talk with me (and she was 16 at the time) similar to some of the things i said in previous paragraphs to you, when several weeks after we moved my last husband to his own apartment (yes, DD and i actually transported his furniture and belongings for him) i was still getting up at 5 a.m. to drive him to his 6 a.m. shift at his job tho it was an easy walk from his new place.) i had health issues myself at the time and was working full time too.  So i get it, i do.  i hope you will find a way to prioritize your own well-being.


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## Verisure (Sep 8, 2021)

Nathan said:


> Perhaps *not*, but it will get his attention AND keep him off the streets and maybe save somebody's life.


Have you ever seen a cockfight? I've only seen the preparation in Thailand. It's not for me. Anyway, the owner holds the head of his entry and forcefully blows water into its face just to get the bird angry. Hiding his keys? I don't know if that's a good idea.


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## GAlady (Sep 8, 2021)

Verisure said:


> That's a bit strong. If you start out with the police he'll be under suspicion from the get-go.  I think he should be tested by unbiased sources first. You just have to devise a way to get him tested without making any accusations. The DMV ought to be the best people to carry out such tests. Simple written and road test just like we all did once upon a time. If they think he's OK then he's probably .... OK!


Only talk to police that I know and he knows.


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## Verisure (Sep 8, 2021)

GAlady said:


> Only talk to police that I know and he knows.


Sit with him at the pub and get him drunk first?


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## caroln (Sep 8, 2021)

What suddenly occurred to me (and I don't know if I'm correct) is if he gets into a serious accident and gets sued, you may be liable as well since you are married to him.  I wouldn't take the risk.  Either make sure he quits driving or legally sever your financial ties.  After reading your posts, I think it's time look out for number 1.  Past time.

Also, feywon suggested disabling his car.  That sounds like a good idea.


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## Pepper (Sep 8, 2021)

caroln said:


> *What suddenly occurred to me (and I don't know if I'm correct) is if he gets into a serious accident and gets sued, you may be liable as well since you are married to him. * I wouldn't take the risk.  Either make sure he quits driving or legally sever your financial ties.  After reading your posts, I think it's time look out for number 1.  Past time.


You are Not Correct.  However, if she owns or co-owns car, that's a different story.


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## Verisure (Sep 8, 2021)

Pepper said:


> You are Not Correct.  However, if she owns or co-owns car, that's a different story.


You mean if she owns the car she is responsible for who uses it?


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## Pepper (Sep 8, 2021)

Verisure said:


> You mean if she owns the car she is responsible for who uses it?


Yes, of course.


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## Verisure (Sep 8, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Yes, of course.


I didn't know it is "of course".


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## caroln (Sep 8, 2021)

Pepper said:


> You are Not Correct.  However, if she owns or co-owns car, that's a different story.


I stand corrected!  I was thinking about my daughter who, when she was getting a divorce, had to go to court to sever financial ties so she wasn't responsible for his credit card purchases, etc.


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## Pepper (Sep 8, 2021)

Verisure said:


> I didn't know it is "of course".


Maybe not in Sweden.................


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## Verisure (Sep 8, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Maybe not in Sweden.................


Probably not.


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## Verisure (Sep 8, 2021)

Almost certainly not.


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## Jules (Sep 8, 2021)

The title was about getting your husband’s driver’s license taken away.  *Yes*.  If he seriously insures or kills someone, how would you feel?

You said you’re separated, is that a legal separation?  If not, as Caroln suggested, you may have financial obligations that could affect you later.



WheatenLover said:


> An MD can report him. But no one has done so.


Go talk to his doctor.  They probably have no idea that he is driving or anything else in his personal life.  Take along some photos of that banged up car.  They may not even talk to you since unless he’s with you.  



senior chef said:


> If I was in your situation I'd be asking myself, "What if he killed a young mother and 3 children in a head-on crash ?" And, if that happened how would I feel ? To my way of thinking, nothing else matters. Not his feelings. Not his beloved books. Not his independance.


This is exactly what you should be asking yourself.

If the doctor doesn’t want to remove his license at least have them notify the drivers’ testing office.  

Don’t delay.  

If he loses his license and still drives, then have something disconnected in the engine.  Just warn any local mechanics not to go there to fix it.


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## Giants fan1954 (Sep 8, 2021)

Sounds like there's a lot more going on there than just a Mr.Magoo issue.
I'd start with his insurance company, call and ask if there's any recourse from that end, then I'd move onto DMV, pictures of the bashed up car maybe helpful...if you have any financial liability in this matter my first step would be to remove myself.


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## OneEyedDiva (Sep 8, 2021)

Once someone is killed, then it's too late to say "I wish......" From your post it sounds like he's a danger once he gets behind the wheel. Even small damage to a car takes time and a lot of money to get it fixed. So the most minor fender bender winds up being a big inconvenience for someone else. At worst, severely injuring or killing someone becomes an eternal heartbreak for not one but two families (maybe more, according to who's in the vehicles).

Asking someone to give up driving is a very hard thing to do because almost always, one will find vehement resistance. But if it will save a life, it will have been worth it. Perhaps you and your children can get together and try to gently broach the subject (these days people can "meet" via Zoom, Facetime and other methods). In too many instances, the barn door gets shut after the horse escapes. Actions are taken to correct known problematic issues with drivers, roads, etc. *after* there's been a tragic death. I hope you and your family can convince your husband that it's time to stay off the roads and find a viable alternative.


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## Lara (Sep 8, 2021)

WheatenLover said:


> ...I was going to move to a state in which I have friends and family, where there is no snow, and buy a house. Then Covid happened and I got cancer.
> ... I just feel badly/guilty about being the only person there for him (in my minimal way) because he is so lonely, and so disabled and sick. I cannot imagine living in a world in which I had no friends to talk to. Having me and the kids seemed to fill his social tank. Now he just has me.
> ...I still think a lot of things in the Bible are important. Among them is "Love one another as I have loved you". (May be paraphrased). Nowhere does it says make sure to wait until one of the people loves you first. Nor does it say that this command is only talking about loving people who are just like you.
> 
> ...


There is a lot to read in this thread! A lot of members are concerned about you.
I will only address what you directed toward me in a post...

Yes, God wants us to love everyone as he loves us but remember, like an earthly father, even God allows for us his children, to experience natural consequences, not as a punishment but as teachable lessons. Without that you are enabling your husband to continue on his path of self-destruction where everyone hates him because he has no feelings for anyone, because he's selfish, feels entitled, can hurt others without a care, is proud, stubborn, selfish, and most importantly...has never shown love to one soul. His natural consequence is to be alone.
God does not want us to be a door mat!

Sychopaths have no feelings for others and never feel sorry about anything. They don't know love. I'm not saying your husband is that diagnosis as I'm not a professional but he needs to see a professional. God does not want you to put yourself in harms way in order to "love others who aren't like you". In fact, He says, if they won't listen, walk away. You are not trained to take this kind of person under your wing.

You said, people are meant to be social creatures and you feel sorry for him and guilty not to be there...Hon, he is not a social creature.

If he indeed has another type personality disorder...I think you mentioned autism...again, that's for the professionals. He will certainly get that analysis for free when he hits someone with his car and kills them....and will have plenty of time in jail to be away from all the people he hates. They will deliver his meals that he refuses to eat, and he'll have a bed that I'm sure he won't like.

Seriously, you've done all you can and God now wants you to be safe, and secure as you go through a most difficult time yourself. You're not safe in your husbands car. And according to your children he has abused you emotionally (I don't think they mentioned physically but they are both just as bad for you.)


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## Knight (Sep 8, 2021)

The main focus is on driving. From what I read he has  health & mental issues that should be part of the overall help he needs.  Getting his drivers license taken away while a good 1st. step doesn't address his  overall needs.

Wheatenlover did mention removing his license wouldn't stop him from driving. Taking away the car would also be needed.  And as another poster said if not legally separated she could be liable for whatever might happen.

IMO seeking help from medical professionals as a start point would the way to go. Addressing both his physical & mental needs should be enough to trigger removing his drivers license.  How to get the car away so he won't drive might be the tricky part.


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## Gemma (Sep 8, 2021)

What State are you from @WheatenLover?

In PA, we can write to our State licensing agency.  Family members can notify the SLA of their concerns.  (e.g. PennDOT) Writing a detailed letter regarding your observations and the driver's specific medical impairments.

You can also get ahold of The Office of Aging.  Someone can come out and evaluate him.  If he would refuse to let them in for that, that person would call the police to help with entry to do their job.


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## ohioboy (Sep 8, 2021)

Pepper said:


> You are Not Correct.  However, if she owns or co-owns car, that's a different story.


Correct. If you own or have "custody and control" of a car, and you let a person drive it, as the OP describes, that is generally known as "Wrongful/negligent entrustment".


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## Nathan (Sep 8, 2021)

Pepper said:


> You are Not Correct.  However, if she owns or co-owns car, that's a different story.


In states that regard marital assets as community property- if he gets sued it's going to hit her pocket book too, unless she did a legal separation where a document is filed with the court declaring the separation, which entails also severing their financial responsibilities.
Example:  When my ex-wife and I divorced a _legal separation_ automatically went into effect. She decided to be vindictive and dump me off our auto insurance policy...without telling me. Before I continue I should point out that her doing that was contempt of court and a violation of the Standard Family Law Restraining order(Calif).      When I discovered what she did, I told her that if I had gotten in an auto accident, she would be sharing the burden of any judgement coming our way.   She was not too bright, especially since she worked at the Marshal's Office, in the civil division.  <shrugs>


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## Pepper (Sep 8, 2021)

Which ex-wife was that, @Nathan?  One, Two, or................Threeeeeeeee?


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## win231 (Sep 8, 2021)

Nathan said:


> In states that regard marital assets as community property- if he gets sued it's going to hit her pocket book too, unless she did a legal separation where a document is filed with the court declaring the separation, which entails also severing their financial responsibilities.
> Example:  When my ex-wife and I divorced a _legal separation_ automatically went into effect. She decided to be vindictive and dump me off our auto insurance policy...without telling me. Before I continue I should point out that her doing that was contempt of court and a violation of the Standard Family Law Restraining order(Calif).      When I discovered what she did, I told her that if I had gotten in an auto accident, she would be sharing the burden of any judgement coming our way.   She was not too bright, especially since she worked at the Marshal's Office, in the civil division.  <shrugs>


Your ex wife dumped you off your auto insurance policy without telling you?
If that's the worst thing she did, consider yourself lucky.


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## Tish (Sep 8, 2021)

caroln said:


> Have you considered talking to him about moving to retirement housing?  My sister was a manager at a senior apartment complex where one building was independent living and the other was for people no longer able to take care of themselves without help.  They had various activities a person could join, areas for social gathering, and a van to take people shopping.  It would keep him from being lonely and he wouldn't have to drive.


I agree with caroln!
It's worth a try to suggest this.


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## Nathan (Sep 8, 2021)

win231 said:


> Your ex wife dumped you off your auto insurance policy without telling you?
> If that's the worst thing she did, consider yourself lucky.


Nope, not the worst thing, just one of the_ first_ things....


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## Tom 86 (Sep 8, 2021)

First, talk with his Dr. & tell him everything you posted here, even take your kids for their backup.  He can make out a form that he can send to the police or if this will come in, Dr's have a way to ask for their driver's licence to check something.  Then they keep it.

  If not of this works then talk to your sheriff or police in your area.  Explain what you have said here.  They can go & take his licence also.
Seen this happen to my wife Grandfather & a couple of other friends older parents.


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## ohioboy (Sep 8, 2021)

Tom 86 said:


> If not of this works then talk to your sheriff or police in your area.  Explain what you have said here.  They can go & take his licence also.



Have to disagree with that, the 4th Amendment protects people, not places, meaning that would be an unreasonable siezure, he must be aforded DP.


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## mellowyellow (Sep 8, 2021)

I don’t think people realize the consequences of having your driving licence taken away - your last link to independence has gone.


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## Lara (Sep 8, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> I don’t think people realize the consequences of having your driving licence taken away - your last link to independence has gone.


Cars are killing machines used by unqualified drivers....especially if they don't care about others.
It's not exactly your last link to independence if you live somewhere where you can drive a golf cart.


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## Jules (Sep 8, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> I don’t think people realize the consequences of having your driving licence taken away - your last link to independence has gone.


If you’re not capable of driving safely, no one else should be exposed to you behind the wheel. 

I rarely drive, never at night.  I walk or can take a bus or taxi.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 9, 2021)

ohioboy said:


> Correct. If you own or have "custody and control" of a car, and you let a person drive it, as the OP describes, that is generally known as "Wrongful/negligent entrustment".


I do not have custody and control of any car except my own. My daughter drives it, as I think it is unsafe for me to drive while undergoing the side effects of chemo and radiation treatment.  I have not been able to drive at night for many decades. I know why, and it affects many people, so i'll try to find the website and add to this post after dinner. It has to do with headlights.


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## Tom 86 (Sep 9, 2021)

I also quit driving at night.  The headlights coming at me looked like a big white ball of light, so I could not see the road or other cars.  I know my limits on driving.  If I have to go out at night, which is very seldom, I have friends that can take me.

I also know the day is coming soon where I won't be able to drive anymore.  So I'll gladly give up my license before I hurt someone.


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## Daytona Al (Sep 9, 2021)

Nothing worse can happen to your husband than to kill a child in an accident. Having said that, it's really not your place to make this decision, since you are separated. It sounds like he may be having some mental health problems and is afraid of losing control. Is there any way to get him to a good geriatric counselor before something terrible happens?


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## Daytona Al (Sep 9, 2021)

Tom 86 said:


> I also quit driving at night.  The headlights coming at me looked like a big white ball of light, so I could not see the road or other cars.  I know my limits on driving.  If I have to go out at night, which is very seldom, I have friends that can take me.
> 
> I also know the day is coming soon where I won't be able to drive anymore.  So I'll gladly give up my license before I hurt someone.


There's always Uber in most places.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 9, 2021)

I have not had my name on any assets since I married my husband 33 years ago, until I bought a car in 2019. Even then, he offered to get it registered in PA in his name, ostensibly to save me the trip and the hassle. I had bought the car in Georgia. Of course, there was no way I was going to do that.

I have given a lot of thought to all of your advice. First, I am going to talk with his physician (who is also my physician). He may be required to report my husband to PennDOT as a medically impaired driver. My husband also has a neurologist and an ophthalmologist. I can't tell from PennDOT's list of mental and physical criteria whether or not my husband meets their standards for taking away his driver's license. These physicians must know, however. In as bad shape as he is in, medically, I cannot fathom that any right-thinking person would let him drive.

Second, since my husband refuses to do anything to improve his situation, which I have asked him to do for years, he must bear the consequences of losing his license. These improvements include moving to a one-story apartment, using a walker, using medical alert buttons to contact help when he falls, keeping his cell phone with him, fully charged, and so forth. 

Essentially, what will have happened is what I warned him about:  Suddenly being unable to function on his own, instead of preparing for that eventuality.

None of this is my fault, and it is not my responsibility to try to work around his refusal to help himself. In PA, there is no legal process or court order required to be separated. All a couple has to do is to stop cohabiting with one another. We are separated. I do want to get divorced, but I am waiting until my cancer treatment, and recovery from it, are done. That will be another very stressful time, as my husband will not be cooperative in any way.

Thank you all so very much for your help. I have no one else, except for you all, with whom I felt comfortable talking to about this. This is where I get into trouble with decision-making -- trying to figure out what to do without consulting anyone except myself. This despite the fact that I told my own children as they reached adulthood to consult a variety of people to get different points of view before making important decisions. Unless, of course, they were comfortable with the decision they were had decided upon. Comfortable is the wrong word -- in my mind, I call it a knowing. It's kind of airy fairy, I guess, but when that happens, I don't screw up. 

You all are really great, and I am so appreciative of the time and thoughtfulness you have put into advising me.


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## Gemma (Sep 9, 2021)

WheatenLover said:


> I have given a lot of thought to all of your advice. First, I am going to talk with his physician (who is also my physician). He may be required to report my husband to PennDOT as a medically impaired driver. My husband also has a neurologist and an ophthalmologist. I can't tell from PennDOT's list of mental and physical criteria whether or not my husband meets their standards for taking away his driver's license. These physicians must know, however. In as bad shape as he is in, medically, I cannot fathom that any right-thinking person would let him drive.


Here is a good read for you regarding PennDOT...
PennDOT - Reporting of Medical Conditions

Yes, do talk to your physician about this situation and let him follow the proper protocol to get your husband reported to PennDOT.   IMHO, he shouldn't be behind the wheel.


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## ohioboy (Sep 9, 2021)

Gemma said:


> Here is a good read for you regarding PennDOT...
> PennDOT - Reporting of Medical Conditions
> 
> Yes, do talk to your physician about this situation and let him follow the proper protocol to get your husband reported to PennDOT.   IMHO, he shouldn't be behind the wheel.


Good link, that's DP.


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## Alligatorob (Sep 9, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> I don’t think people realize the consequences of having your driving licence taken away - your last link to independence has gone.


Absolutely!  Not something to be taken lightly.  But then neither are the lives of innocent people on the road.  Its a really hard decision.

Had a neighbor lady a few years ago, she was still driving at age 95, and should not have been.  After several accidents, none serious fortunately, her son took her car.  She called the sheriff and reported him for car theft.  That went no where the Sheriff seemed happy with the son's decision.  However it lead to irreparable damage being done to her relationship with the son, she never forgave him.  The son did see to it that she had a ride when and where ever she wanted, but that made little difference.  I think he did the right thing, but it must have been hard...


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## Daytona Al (Sep 9, 2021)

WheatenLover said:


> I have not had my name on any assets since I married my husband 33 years ago, until I bought a car in 2019. Even then, he offered to get it registered in PA in his name, ostensibly to save me the trip and the hassle. I had bought the car in Georgia. Of course, there was no way I was going to do that.
> 
> I have given a lot of thought to all of your advice. First, I am going to talk with his physician (who is also my physician). He may be required to report my husband to PennDOT as a medically impaired driver. My husband also has a neurologist and an ophthalmologist. I can't tell from PennDOT's list of mental and physical criteria whether or not my husband meets their standards for taking away his driver's license. These physicians must know, however. In as bad shape as he is in, medically, I cannot fathom that any right-thinking person would let him drive.
> 
> ...


One other thought. Be sure that you are not legally liable for any damage that your husband may cause. You've probably already thought of this or maybe someone else has suggested. I don't know the laws of PA, but you apparently know them well. Good luck with  difficult situation.


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## win231 (Sep 9, 2021)

WheatenLover said:


> He can't afford a driver. My daughter, who lives with me, hates him and refuses to help him in any way. I haven't driven since I got cancer because the chemo, surgery, and radiation have too many side effects to make it a safe option.
> 
> I am real strict about driving. I look at the cars around me and pretend the drivers are people I dearly love. As a direct result of that, no road rage or getting angry or impatient. And I've never been stopped by the police, and have had only one accident when someone ran a red light and hit my car. I try real hard not to hurt anyone with my car.


Like all 4 of my mom's kids, I also hated my mom - for good reason.  But I felt sorry for my dad & they knew I couldn't afford to quit my job to chauffeur them, so they paid me.   I also didn't want to face what would happen in the future when she forced him to drive - which she would & often did.
My mom was very difficult to deal with; she hired 9 drivers before I got the "Job."  They all quit after 1 or 2 days; they couldn't stand her.
One woman quit without even telling her; she phoned me & said, _"I quit after I drove her to lunch; I can't stand another minute; I almost left her at the restaurant.   I don't even want to be paid for the day; just let her know I won't be back."  _ I had to LOL.


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## Lara (Sep 10, 2021)

Just a reminder...you are still married when you're separated. Be totally aware of your benefits and liabilities of being married to him. Apparently there are zero benefits. Understand the whole scope of it.

Call the American Cancer Society and talk to someone who can help you navigate this path you're now taking...with no help from your husband who is more of a vampire. Sorry to be so blunt but he is sucking the life out of you. Btw, is he you're only "friend"? Is that why you are continuing to be with him regularly?

You just can't have this at this time while battling cancer. Who is driving you to your Chemo appointments right now?

You need loving support. Can your children help you? You mentioned they hate their father, have wanted you to leave him, and are upset with you for staying with him. Are they willing to take you in? Or guide you through a move closer to them? Would they give you love and support if you left this "husband" of yours?

You have mentioned a few times that you have turned your back on God. Satan loves that news. It's totally up to you but I personally think you need God back in your life. if you agree...Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 10, 2021)

Lara said:


> Just a reminder...you are still married when you're separated. Be totally aware of your benefits and liabilities of being married to him. Apparently there are zero benefits. Understand the whole scope of it.
> 
> Call the American Cancer Society and talk to someone who can help you navigate this path you're now taking...with no help from your husband who is more of a vampire. Sorry to be so blunt but he is sucking the life out of you. Btw, is he you're only "friend"? Is that why you are continuing to be with him regularly?
> 
> ...


My daughter lives with me. She is a graduate student, getting her MS in Data Analytics. She drives me to my appointments, takes care of our dog, and everything else, pretty much. The things I do around here are but a shadow of what I could do before. My sons live in California.

I've had 7 months of weekly chemo, minus a few weeks when I was too sick to risk having it, and surgery. I am nearly done with radiation now. Most of my medical problems are due to side effects from chemo, which I hope to be completely recovered from by the end of May.

Here is a picture of my lovely daughter. What amazes me is how she can completely change the way she looks with makeup and different hairstyles. I said how about if I post 4 or 5 photos of you on Senior Forums and ask how many different people are pictured. She replied, Mom in some of those I am 17 or younger. You can post this one. I know I am bragging, but I can't help it. I am so proud of her!

The other picture I am posting is that of my triplets plus my daughter when they were quite young. BTW, I refer to my boys as triplets for brevity's sake. They found out they were triplets when they were in the first grade when their teacher referred to them as "the triplets". Of course they knew they were born on the same day, but I worked at treating them as individuals and didn't want them to be lumped in one label. They  were so annoyed when they came home and told me about it. They told the teacher they were not triplets. They were each themselves.

The oldest one is 45 minutes older than his brothers, who are one minute apart. He immediately claimed his rightful position as the oldest, ie., the boss of everyone else. What a pain that was! His brothers were not fans of that attitude.

As far as the liabilities of being separated, but not divorced, I plan to consult with my lawyer soon about that. I don't want to dig a bigger hole for myself. I hope it's nothing bad because to say my husband will be unhappy if I divorce him is the tip of the iceberg. I'm not hinting that he will be violent, because he isn't. And right now, he couldn't be -- he would fall before any violence was completed.

I have plenty of friends and family who are supportive of me. It's just that I don't spend a lot of time talking about my husband because I live in a small place full of gossipy people. Total strangers will find out my last name, via introductions, and say, oh, your husband is the one who .... He has done a lot of amazing good for people as part of  his job, at which he is excellent. No one is all bad, and I don't want to paint him that way.

As far as being a Christian goes, I don't believe, for myself,  that is the only path one can take.

PS My daughter experiment with the little V in her eyebrow. I liked it, but she didn't, so she doesn't have it any more.


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## feywon (Sep 10, 2021)

@WheatenLover said in part "I refer to my boys as triplets for brevity's sake. They found out they were triplets when they were in the first grade when their teacher referred to them as "the triplets". Of course they knew they were born on the same day, but I worked at treating them as individuals and didn't want them to be lumped in one label."
Lots of respect for doing that, i did it with my boys, mirror image(different hand dominance, hair swirls in opposite direction on the crown of their head) twins born less than 5 minutes apart. The hardest thing was getting relatives and teachers to do the same. Many people did not realize till they saw the boys together. Had one neighbor in an Apt complex when they were 4-5 yrs old who thought i had 1 hyperactive boy who couldn't make up his mind about what clothes to wear, because i always dressed them different. 

From their infancy when relatives gifted matching clothes i'd take photos of them dressed in the clothes as a 'thank you' but mention that the photo is probably the last time they will wear the identical clothes at same time.   One of my BILs and his wife caught on immediately and would send same style overalls but in very different colors. My MIL had visited when they were just 2 months old and while i don't recall talking to her about it i think she figured it out by how i dressed them on daily basis.


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## RadishRose (Sep 10, 2021)

What adorable children you have!
Your daughter is a real beauty.


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## Knight (Sep 10, 2021)

Off topic but if you have Netflix & your daughter is into makeup then maybe the Show   Glow Up would interest her.


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## Lara (Sep 10, 2021)

Wow Wheaton Lover, I'm proud of your daughter too and I'm not even her mother!...not because of how pretty she is on the outside, which she absolutely is, but because she is beautiful on the inside too. She is there for you!!

And I'm surprised to hear that your husband has a good side that people appreciated. I had not idea. Great to hear!

And by all means, it's your choice for the path you choose. I was very clear to say totally your choice in my post when you had shared your path change. All's well. And Be Well....take care. Have a good day today


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## Nathan (Sep 10, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Which ex-wife was that, @Nathan?  One, Two, or................Threeeeeeeee?


I suspect that you regard my multiple divorces as amusing.   That would be # 2.


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## Pepper (Sep 10, 2021)

Nathan said:


> I suspect that you regard my multiple divorces as amusing.   That would be # 2.


Not amusing.  Energetic!


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## WheatenLover (Sep 10, 2021)

feywon said:


> @WheatenLover said in part "I refer to my boys as triplets for brevity's sake. They found out they were triplets when they were in the first grade when their teacher referred to them as "the triplets". Of course they knew they were born on the same day, but I worked at treating them as individuals and didn't want them to be lumped in one label."
> Lots of respect for doing that, i did it with my boys, mirror image(different hand dominance, hair swirls in opposite direction on the crown of their head) twins born less than 5 minutes apart. The hardest thing was getting relatives and teachers to do the same. Many people did not realize till they saw the boys together. Had one neighbor in an Apt complex when they were 4-5 yrs old who thought i had 1 hyperactive boy who couldn't make up his mind about what clothes to wear, because i always dressed them different.
> 
> From their infancy when relatives gifted matching clothes i'd take photos of them dressed in the clothes as a 'thank you' but mention that the photo is probably the last time they will wear the identical clothes at same time.   One of my BILs and his wife caught on immediately and would send same style overalls but in very different colors. My MIL had visited when they were just 2 months old and while i don't recall talking to her about it i think she figured it out by how i dressed them on daily basis.


My boys are not identical, but nearly everyone thought they were. People would think I had identical quads, too, because my daughter was soon as tall as the boys were. I'd tell them nope, one of them doesn't have a penis. (I got such a kick out of saying that!) I was a stickler for using correct terms for body parts. So what did the boys say (they were young)... That's true, we waited for her penis to grow and it never did!

We had problems in public places. People would crowd us, hollering questions ... not just a few folks, upwards of 40 or 50. This, even before my daughter was born and the quad people took over as she grew taller. It was alarming. We started taking friends with us so we could separate the kids, because it drove me nuts with anxiety. People got so close in these crowds that I was afraid someone would either transmit a disease to them or grab one of them (because I had plenty of kids and they didn't have any).

Plus, even when the kids were old enough to understand the questions, people would ask me which one was smart, which one was athletic, etc. The answer was they all are!

We lived next door to our neighbors, who had 4 grown kids -- twins and 2 others that were a year older or younger than the twins. Another next door neighbor's house had a small fire started by lightning. Of course, the adults went outside, including me. The next door neighbors with 4 kids then asked me if I was running a daycare center! We had been living there for 6 years by that time. The kids were always outside, even on weekends. Who runs a 24=hour daycare center for the same kids, year after year??? That was the first time (and the last) that these neighbors spoke to me. I got that question a lot in grocery stores, too. Along with why do you have your kids on leashes. Well, smart guy or gal, it's so they won't suddenly jump in front of a moving car and get killed. I was lucky because even without "leashes" my kids always behaved exceedingly well in public. It was because I told them if they didn't, we would leave. Yes, even with a full cart left behind.

When they were in undergrad, all 4 of my kids were sitting at a table in the cafeteria. This guy (a friend of each of theirs, separately) came up to the table and said, "I didn't know you all knew each other!" Boy was he surprised to find out they were siblings. My kids got such a kick out of that.

Okay, enough of my making a short story long!


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## WheatenLover (Sep 10, 2021)

Lara said:


> And I'm surprised to hear that your husband has a good side that people appreciated. I had not idea. Great to hear!


Yes, they were his clients, and he did very well by them. He is absolutely a fantastic member of his profession. His results over decades prove that. Often, he did what others in his profession thought was impossible ... with integrity, hard work, ingenuity, and for the benefit of society.

Mostly, people are not either good or bad. I wish my children would see that. Instead, I am accused of defending people who have done something bad (even decades in the past), despite their being mostly good people. And I am not talking bad like serial killers or sex offenders ...just bad like voting in favor of a war long ago, so they are forever tainted by that. I am sure that people, in general, are not either "horrible people" or saints in the making, including everyone I know, including me.


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## charry (Sep 10, 2021)

A Very diffilcult decision for you , and your not married to him anymore, but your children are asking for your help and advise....
But I really  would not get Involved to be honest.....
Has he not got a partner “ ?


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## WheatenLover (Sep 10, 2021)

RadishRose said:


> What adorable children you have!
> Your daughter is a real beauty.


Thank you! I want to post a couple more pictures of her, if and when she'll let me. While I was at it, I asked her not to come on these forums to read my posts, and she agreed. She actually has little interest in "senior" forums. Too busy on TikTok. She doesn't always look like a math nerd (as she calls herself). She is definitely not a one-trick pony. I still can't believe this is the girl I raised, who hated math all the way through high school!


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## WheatenLover (Sep 10, 2021)

charry said:


> A Very diffilcult decision for you , and your not married to him anymore, but your children are asking for your help and advise....
> But I really  would not get Involved to be honest.....
> Has he not got a partner “ ?


We are married, but separated since last December. He has not got a partner either way. Both of us are not ones cheat on our spouse, whether we are separated or not. And this is another good thing about my husband, he is not one to stray, flirt, or anything else that fits into that category. And I am not one to be jealous if he did flirt.

Just as an aside, i do not care what other people do when they are separated. This is their business, and it does not effect my opinion of them. Certainly I've had many friends who handled that kind of situation differently than we do. Just a matter of timing before the divorce. In general, I don't think either position is wrong. I don't even know why I take the position I do -- it's just the way I am *about myself*.

Anyway, I am involved because I don't want him to hurt someone, or kill them, in a car wreck. And in my life with him, he has shown very little inclination to engage in foresight. Hence, why he won't move into a town where some transportation is available, use a walker, not climb steps, and other ways to prevent falls. Not Lyft or Uber though, although I heard about someone local who drives for Uber once a week. 

I have literally provided 99.99% of the foresight in this marriage, all of which (I am not kidding) has been ignored. It can't have been easy for him as the anti-foresight person, to live with someone who has it and gets maximally frustrated when it is not met with agreement. It seems so obvious to me, but not to him. On big issues that effect my family, I hope for the best, and plan for the worst if I have any control over it at all.


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## charry (Sep 10, 2021)

Ok  WL......it’s your call......you have to do what you think is best......
Have you spoken to your husband about this .....?


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## feywon (Sep 10, 2021)

WheatenLover said:


> My boys are not identical, but nearly everyone thought they were. People would think I had identical quads, too, because my daughter was soon as tall as the boys were. I'd tell them nope, one of them doesn't have a penis. (I got such a kick out of saying that!) I was a stickler for using correct terms for body parts. So what did the boys say (they were young)... That's true, we waited for her penis to grow and it never did!
> 
> We had problems in public places. People would crowd us, hollering questions ... not just a few folks, upwards of 40 or 50. This, even before my daughter was born and the quad people took over as she grew taller. It was alarming. We started taking friends with us so we could separate the kids, because it drove me nuts with anxiety. People got so close in these crowds that I was afraid someone would either transmit a disease to them or grab one of them (because I had plenty of kids and they didn't have any).
> 
> ...


Ok, we had very similar parenting styles. Mine was modeled more after my Dad's than Mom. He was much more consistent and sensible. I also used correct terms for body parts, would leave wherever if they weren't behaving.  They learned very quickly i didn't make idle threats, 1 calm but firm warning about unacceptable behavior and they'd straighten right up, it seemed to shock observers and sometimes elderly folks would compliment me on their behavior.  I make a point of doing the same and while i always thank anyone who holds a door for me in public places, i'm a bit mor enthusiastic about it when it's clearly a minor. My kids always held store doors for people, but few acknowledged with so much as a nod -- usually elderly people and pregnant women.


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## Nathan (Sep 10, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Not amusing.  Energetic!


I was expecting "glutton-for-punishment".


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## feywon (Sep 10, 2021)

Nathan said:


> I suspect that you regard my multiple divorces as amusing.   That would be # 2.


Well i've had failed marriages too. (Tho #1 died before i could afford to pay for divorce, and he refused to. ) The 2 divorces  that followed were enough!  While hindsight has brought me a humorous perspective on my own experiences, i empathize with others who've been down that road.


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## Warrigal (Sep 10, 2021)

WheatenLover said:


> We are married, but separated since last December. He has not got a partner either way. Both of us are not ones cheat on our spouse, whether we are separated or not. And this is another good thing about my husband, he is not one to stray, flirt, or anything else that fits into that category. And I am not one to be jealous if he did flirt.
> 
> Just as an aside, i do not care what other people do when they are separated. This is their business, and it does not effect my opinion of them. Certainly I've had many friends who handled that kind of situation differently than we do. Just a matter of timing before the divorce. In general, I don't think either position is wrong. I don't even know why I take the position I do -- it's just the way I am *about myself*.
> 
> ...


Wheaten Lover, you sound to me very much like my daughter who, while she is now separated from her husband, still cares about his welfare. In her words -"Mum, he is not a bad person, just a sh*tty husband". 

I can offer you no advice but know that I admire your integrity and concern for the needs of other family members. Just remember to care for yourself as well.


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## Shero (Sep 10, 2021)

Hello WheatenLover, you appear to me a kind and compassionate person and I admire your regard for your husband although separated. But the time for your own self care is due.

You have to think of getting well and you also have to think of your lovely daughter and sons and their grief should they lose you to something that can be avoided. I believe in your heart you know what you must do, so do it. Bonne chance!


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## ohioboy (Sep 10, 2021)

Shero said:


> Bonne chance!


Bonus nachos.


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## MarciKS (Sep 10, 2021)

WheatenLover said:


> An MD can report him. But no one has done so.


If you're that concerned about his safety and the safety of other innocent people...call the police yourself and report it. That way they can keep an eye on him and take care of it. Instead of expecting the doctor to do it. If he can't live alone without a vehicle then perhaps calling the dept of aging and see if there are any options to get him placed somewhere safer. Good luck. And don't ride with him.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 11, 2021)

I have already decided to talk to his doctor so he can report it.

I have mentioned it to my husband as an inevitable event that will occur, due to his poor health.  He refuses to make a plan that will solve some of his problems. He has never had foresight. And I mean never, since I married him and probably before, but I didn't notice while we were dating..


Warrigal said:


> Wheaten Lover, you sound to me very much like my daughter who, while she is now separated from her husband, still cares about his welfare. In her words -"Mum, he is not a bad person, just a sh*tty husband".
> 
> I can offer you no advice but know that I admire your integrity and concern for the needs of other family members. Just remember to care for yourself as well.


Few are 100% bad. He is a narcissist. He is a really good at charming person when he wants something from someone, such as clients who pay him money. Right now he is back to be charming to me when we talk on the phone -- but I know that scam already.

I got myself into this, though. A couple of days after I arrived, with the marriage date set for two days later, he told me he decided to send me home. I had moved 1400 miles away from home to a place I didn't want to live. I had quit my job - the only job I ever had that I loved (to this day)  My replacement had been hired. I had sold my car and given away the contents of my household, except for my clothing. I had been accepted to grad school in the new location, I had flown my two cats to the city, and now they would be in the bowels of an airplane again. If I went back home, I would have to live with my mother, who was very abusive and just plain mean. Very controlling. If I didn't do everything she said, with very short time limits, she would kick me out.

So I spent a day re-packing my clothing and asked for a plane ticket. I had no money because I had just paid off my undergrad loans so I would not bring prior debt into the marriage. He said he had changed his mind. So I married him. I didn't see any way out. After 5 years of infertility treatment, and while setting my life up to divorce him, we decided to try IVF. There was a tiny chance I could get pregnant with one try, but I desperately wanted a child and figured this would be my last chance. The chance of me getting pregnant and having a life birth on the first try, according to the doctor, was .075%.  Not a big risk unless you are me, as you shall see.

I ended up pregnant with triplets, and there was no way I could divorce, go home, work, and take care of 3 extremely premature babies. So I was stuck. After that, even though my husband helped some with the babies (except when he was at work which was a lot, and not at night because he need sleep to work, and not during daily racquetball and working out because to work he had to be in prime physical condition.

Things deteriorated from there. My parents were divorced, and I did not want to put my kids in daycare while I struggled to support them. My husband would not have paid alimony or child support. And he would have gotten away with it, just as he gets away with not paying taxes. He bankrupted on the first taxes and huge bills I didn't know about, and he just doesn't pay them now and that is why I file married, separately, because I have no control over the situation. I rarely had income over $5K since I was a stay at home mom.

When the boys were close to a year old, I noticed my abdomen was getting larger and thought it was a tumor. I called a physician friend of mine and asked her to refer me to an oncologist. She asked the symptoms and said I was pregnant. A singleton pregnancy is a lot different from a triplet pregnancy, so I had no idea. I told my husband and he said there was no way. I concurred, but asked him to get a pregnancy test anyway. He was pissed -- didn't want to waste $10. But he did it and I was pregnant. Neither of us remembered how that happened. He called our obstetrician and said it was an emergency to find out how far along I was. We could just see the newspaper story about a pair of highly educated professionals who didn't find out the wife was pregnant until she gave birth! Turned out I was 15 weeks along. 

Mind you, I was huge during my triplet pregnancy even though I only gained 22 lbs. I was hospitalized for a long time, and had to wear 2 hospital gowns because one would not nearly cover me. I had horrible severe morning sickness the whole time, and finally the nurses had to give me a shot before each meal so I could keep food down. My friends would sneak in high calorie foods after my meals so I could gain weight. That plan did not work out. I had a liver disease related to the pregnancy which caused intense itching over most of my body 24/7, which was like being tortured for real. It disappeared immediately after I gave birth. I supposedly had gestational diabetes, but none of the 5 finger sticks I did each day showed any increase of blood sugar - it was always 80-100, no matter what I ate.

Back to baby #4. I nicknamed the fetus Tumor Surprise. I was freaked out about how I was going to handle another baby. She is my lovely daughter. Also my doctors had told me I didn't have to use birth control because there was zero chance I could get pregnant naturally. So not only do we not recall the event that led to my having a daughter, we didn't even use birth control for it. Yet another rare event, unless you are me.

I am trying to stop beating myself up over my poor decisions. There is no point and it doesn't change a thing. I have a new philosophy of living in the now, which is working pretty well. Certainly it is better than ruminating over how stupid I have been.


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## Warrigal (Sep 11, 2021)

You aren't stupid, Wheaton Lover. Always believe in yourself. 
Start looking after yourself. I don't know your age but you have a future.
As you build that future make sure that you look after yourself.

What your husband chooses to do is probably out of your control.
Remember the Serenity Prayer and remind yourself often of the wisdom contained therein.
It doesn't matter whether you are a believer in God or not.
Just believe in yourself. Always.




image share


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## Butterfly (Sep 11, 2021)

WheatenLover said:


> I do not have custody and control of any car except my own. My daughter drives it, as I think it is unsafe for me to drive while undergoing the side effects of chemo and radiation treatment.  I have not been able to drive at night for many decades. I know why, and it affects many people, so i'll try to find the website and add to this post after dinner. It has to do with headlights.



WheatenLover, if your name is on the title of the car he is driving, get it taken off.  And I hope you have a valid legal separation.  Just "being separated" doesn't protect you from liability.


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## Nathan (Sep 11, 2021)

feywon said:


> Well i've had failed marriages too. (Tho #1 died before i could afford to pay for divorce, and he refused to. ) The 2 divorces  that followed were enough!  While hindsight has brought me a humorous perspective on my own experiences, i empathize with others who've been down that road.


For years I regarded my divorces as "failures", but I grew out of the judgemental mindset.  They were certainly _lessons learned,_ but each relationship played a part in leading me down the path of life. I've often thought "gosh if I had just...done/not done this or that...." my life undoubtedly would have been different. But, I like where I am.


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## Tom 86 (Sep 11, 2021)

ohioboy said:


> Good link, that's DP.


This is great information.  If you read it closely since you are not legally divorced.  If he has an accident & hurts or kills someone then they can come after your assets.  Best to get divorced as soon as you can.


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## Kaila (Sep 11, 2021)

Butterfly said:


> WheatenLover, if your name is on the title of the car he is driving, get it taken off.


Yes, probably.

But if your name is the only one on the title, @WheatenLover 
then you could sell it.

If both names are on it, neither one cannot sell it, from what I understand.

I know it is *not* fully your responsibility,
but I am wishing and hoping that _someone can remove the car, itself, at some point,
from his premises and his possession.  
As you described him and his patterns, I assume he will drive it, even after his license is revoked, and that could still terribly harm others.  The car needs to be taken away, not just the license, imo.

It sounds like you have made many very good decisions, @WheatenLover   especially back in post 72....and in other posts of yours, too.
And it's very nice how you have thanked people here, for their ideas, advice , and support._


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## Kaila (Sep 11, 2021)

Btw, it is not for the money, that I brought up to try to sell the car he is driving. (It's to get the car away from him)

And if it does get sold, it is up to any of you, as to what that money gets put toward.  Perhaps he would let someone sell it, if he then got the money to use for rides or for something else.

My  reason for mentioning possibly selling that car, is only to have it taken away from anyplace that he could drive it, because he is not a safe driver to be on the road.

His license being taken away, by notifying the doctors, who should notify the State, is an excellent step, but does not keep him from driving the car, if it is available and he still has a key, afterwards.


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## Gaer (Sep 11, 2021)

None of my business, but if I were pressed to answer, I'd say, Let him keep whatever dignity of manhood he has left.
No matter his age or condition, he is a man and deserved of the honor and respect of being a man.
But, You know best what to do.  I don't.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 11, 2021)

WheatenLover said:


> I have already decided to talk to his doctor so he can report it.
> 
> I have mentioned it to my husband as an inevitable event that will occur, due to his poor health.  He refuses to make a plan that will solve some of his problems. He has never had foresight. And I mean never, since I married him and probably before, but I didn't notice while we were dating..
> 
> ...






WheatenLover said:


> Back to baby #4. I nicknamed the fetus Tumor Surprise. I was freaked out about how I was going to handle another baby. She is my lovely daughter. Also my doctors had told me I didn't have to use birth control because there was zero chance I could get pregnant naturally. So not only do we not recall the event that led to my having a daughter, we didn't even use birth control for it. Yet another rare event, unless you are me.
> 
> I am trying to stop beating myself up over my poor decisions. There is no point and it doesn't change a thing. I have a new philosophy of living in the now, which is working pretty well. Certainly it is better than ruminating over how stupid I have been.





Butterfly said:


> WheatenLover, if your name is on the title of the car he is driving, get it taken off.  And I hope you have a valid legal separation.  Just "being separated" doesn't protect you from liability.


Nothing has been in my name during my entire marriage, except for the car I bought when my mother died, and her 2004 Honda CRV.


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## WheatenLover (Sep 11, 2021)

Kaila said:


> Btw, it is not for the money, that I brought up to try to sell the car he is driving. (It's to get the car away from him)
> 
> And if it does get sold, it is up to any of you, as to what that money gets put toward.  Perhaps he would let someone sell it, if he then got the money to use for rides or for something else.
> 
> ...


He owns his car, all by himself. It is a 2009 car with 280,000 miles on it. Lincoln. I can't sell it since I'm not on the title.

I cannot go to his house. It hasn't been cleaned since I got cancer a year ago. It is infested with mice. He won't hire a maid, which I suggested he do before he gets the house exterminated. They will have to use a tent over the house to do it, he said. He won't hire an exterminator either. His house is a huge health hazard for me. My daughter won't go there because she hates him. My friends won't go there, citing the health hazard.

He has one set of keys. They are usually on him. After that, it's anybody's guess. I have spent plenty of time looking for keys in the past. I will not go over there now. I moved out for a reason -- my health. It was a joyous day. Prior to getting cancer, I was going to move to another state far away. Then Covid came, so I quit going to that city to look at houses.


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## Kaila (Sep 11, 2021)

Okay, I agree you should not go there, and no one else, either.
Just do what you can, and nothing more. 

And, Give your doggie some pats from us.


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## old medic (Sep 12, 2021)

Unfortunately taking his license may not stop him.... pull the fuel pump and or ignition fuse from the car and its dead in the water.
If your on a hill also pull the brake fuse... wont be able to put it in neutral and roll. 
Cars disabled to him, But usable in seconds by those with the secret.


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## Kaila (Sep 12, 2021)

I somewhat agree, but the Title is in his name only,
and the vehicle is on his property too, in his possession, so trying to have someone tamper with it, is likely *not* a good idea.
(and not possible for the OP or other family)

Trying to find a simpler and less combative way to influence him to concede it, at some point, later on, by some "deal" that he feels/agrees is his best option at that point, might be the goal.

I also agree with @Gaer   's posted sentiments and viewpoint above, if only the results were not so terrible for others,  who get hurt forever, and the innocent lives effected, such as those I have seen ruined, by going in that direction.

Perhaps, the idea I had, of the hope that he might cooperate, *later on,* when he sees his new limited options, might better address the point she raised, as well.


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## Knight (Sep 12, 2021)

Haven't read where his age was mentioned. Separated & with a daughter that hates him combined with the obvious mental issues & health only able to walk in inch increments. 

Yet you show the kind of compassion & caring that isn't often found in your situation. I think you know what has to take place but IMO you feel guilty about taking the necessary action. Get over that and set yourself free from the ongoing worry.


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