# Did I make a mistake trying to help a senior friend?



## caringfriend (Aug 23, 2020)

I am  friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing. 

She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.  

My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her. Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired! 

I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure.  And startled by the response.


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## Pepper (Aug 23, 2020)

I'm guessing the sister thought you were scamming your friend and suggesting you be in the will, am I right?

Forget about it.  Not worth worrying about, you were trying to be a friend and it didn't work out.


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## caringfriend (Aug 23, 2020)

I don't know what the sister was thinking but for sure I wasn't suggesting I be in the will. Thanks Pepper! I am going to move on from this. No way am I a scammer. Just the opposite. I was trying to protect my friend!


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## Pepper (Aug 23, 2020)

I believe you.  Welcome.


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## caringfriend (Aug 23, 2020)

Pepper said:


> I believe you.  Welcome.


Thank you Pepper.


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## Sassycakes (Aug 23, 2020)

*I think that was a horrible way for her to act towards you.  She should realize how good you were to her and that you never asked for anything. Sometimes people can be really cruel.*


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## Aneeda72 (Aug 23, 2020)

I think you gave a normal response from a caring person and your friend probably presented what you said wrong.  I bet your friend misses your help.

My half sister and I reconnected after about 40 years or so.  One time my half sister mentioned she and her husband were well off, and she would leave me some money in her will.  . Her husband said, hush.  I told them both, please leave everything to your daughter.

I don’t want anything from you guys but to know you both.


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## Ruthanne (Aug 23, 2020)




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## JaniceM (Aug 23, 2020)

caringfriend said:


> I am  friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing. She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.  My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her. Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired! I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure.  And startled by the response.


Not meaning to go off topic, but feel the need to add this:
Most people believe as a will is a legal document, especially if it's prepared by an attorney, that it will be followed.  
Not necessarily.
Anyone who plans a will should insist on an executor bond-  regardless of who they choose as the executor.  Otherwise, the beneficiaries you chose and what you state you are leaving to them may end up with nothing.


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## Keesha (Aug 23, 2020)




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## Keesha (Aug 23, 2020)

caringfriend said:


> I don't know what the sister was thinking but for sure I wasn't suggesting I be in the will. Thanks Pepper! I am going to move on from this. No way am I a scammer. Just the opposite. I was trying to protect my friend!


Been there done that. 
There’s a saying for this. 
No good deed goes unpunished.


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## applecruncher (Aug 23, 2020)

Please use paragraphs, a wall of text is hard to read.

Sorry this happened. Try to move on and put it behind you.


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## caringfriend (Aug 23, 2020)

Sassycakes said:


> *I think that was a horrible way for her to act towards you.  She should realize how good you were to her and that you never asked for anything. Sometimes people can be really cruel.*


Thank you Sassycakes.  I was devasted at first but it is getting better.


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## caringfriend (Aug 23, 2020)

Keesha said:


> View attachment 119371


Thank you!


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## caringfriend (Aug 23, 2020)

applecruncher said:


> Please use paragraphs, a wall of text is hard to read.
> 
> Sorry this happened. Try to move on and put it behind you.


I will definitely try for sure. No problem! Thanks for letting me know.


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## caringfriend (Aug 23, 2020)

applecruncher said:


> Please use paragraphs, a wall of text is hard to read.
> 
> Sorry this happened. Try to move on and put it behind you.



Thank you Apple.


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## applecruncher (Aug 23, 2020)

caringfriend said:


> Thank you Apple.


You're welcome.
I can understand why you're hurt.  Sometimes people suspect an ulterior motive when there is none.  It's happened to me and I just had to lick my wounds and shake it off.


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## Marie5656 (Aug 23, 2020)

*Welcome to the forum. Sorry you had a bad experience with your friend's sister. I think you were doing the right thing in trying t be helpful to her.

Maybe, after some time has passed you can reach out to your friend again? And rekindle the friendship?*


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## Butterfly (Aug 23, 2020)

caringfriend said:


> I am  friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing. She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.  My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her. Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired! I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure.  And startled by the response.



Just curious about why you thought if your friend had a will it would protect her from harm?  Wills don't do anything until the maker of the will is dead.


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## Ellen Marie (Aug 23, 2020)

Well, at least you got her thinking.... that's important.    For you, forgive and move on.


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## caringfriend (Aug 23, 2020)

Ellen Marie said:


> Well, at least you got her thinking.... that's important.    For you, forgive and move on.





Marie5656 said:


> *Welcome to the forum. Sorry you had a bad experience with your friend's sister. I think you were doing the right thing in trying t be helpful to her.
> 
> Maybe, after some time has passed you can reach out to your friend again? And rekindle the friendship?*


Thank you Ellen Marie.


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## SeaBreeze (Aug 23, 2020)

caringfriend said:


> She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.
> 
> My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her.
> 
> Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired! I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure. And startled by the response.



Welcome @caringfriend.  I'm sure your intentions were good, but I don't understand about mentioning a will when she said she was fearful of her sister dying and nobody would take care of her.  I think I would have just asked if she had any other relatives or close friends who might help her out if that happens.  Or perhaps suggest she get into an assisted living home before something like that occurs, so she would have some care and security.

I think a red flag went up when she talked about your asking about her will.  These days there are a lot of scammers, and if the sister didn't know you well, she naturally would be suspicious, perhaps you were trying to have her leave some money to you in her will.  I can't really blame her sister, I'd do the same and want to watch out for people who might be getting close to her for shifty reasons.

You didn't do anything wrong perhaps other than talking about her will.  You should recognize though that the reaction you received was not that startling or unexpected.  I'd just forget about it, you can't change what happened, sorry you can no longer be friends with her, but you should move on.


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## win231 (Aug 23, 2020)

When I was 50, I ran into a former friend of my mom's.  She was around 60.  She told me she was moving into an apartment with a friend of hers - a guy who was 92 & they were both not in shape to move & her friend's nephew was supposed to help them move, but he had to go into the hospital for hip replacement surgery.
Since I was between jobs & had free time, I said I would help.  Her friend was a pack rat, so moving him wasn't easy.  He had stacks of boxes of stuff from years ago when he was a prisoner at Auschwitz.
The move took five days.  A few weeks later, I called to ask how the nephew was doing - how the surgery went.  The nephew answered the phone.  I said, "Hi.  How are you doing?"
He said, "Who the hell are you?"
I said, "I helped your uncle & her friend move into their apartment."
He said, "Well, now that you helped, you don't need to call again."
I said, "I just called to say hi & ask how you're doing.....what the hell is your problem?"
He said, "Take a hint....don't call again."
I said, "What a prize you are.....F you."

Later, I spoke to my mom's friend & the uncle.  They both told me the nephew has always been an a--hole & the reason he didn't want me to talk to his uncle was because he thought that since I didn't want to be paid for moving them,  I wanted money left to me in his will, since he was 92.

Sometimes, people think everyone else is like them....


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## Aneeda72 (Aug 24, 2020)

win231 said:


> When I was 50, I ran into a former friend of my mom's.  She was around 60.  She told me she was moving into an apartment with a friend of hers - a guy who was 92 & they were both not in shape to move & her friend's nephew was supposed to help them move, but he had to go into the hospital for hip replacement surgery.
> Since I was between jobs & had free time, I said I would help.  Her friend was a pack rat, so moving him wasn't easy.  He had stacks of boxes of stuff from years ago when he was a prisoner at Auschwitz.
> The move took five days.  A few weeks later, I called to ask how the nephew was doing - how the surgery went.  The nephew answered the phone.  I said, "Hi.  How are you doing?"
> He said, "Who the hell are you?"
> ...


I am a bit confused, how could he have boxes of stuff from Auschwitz as a prisoner?  That would be impossible, my step-father was among the troops that first arrived there and freed the camp.  As I understand it from the very little he said, and history, the prisoners barely had their lives, let alone “boxes of stuff”.

Could he have been a guard?  They would have had ”boxes of stuff”.  Just curious, you probably don’t know.


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## Aunt Bea (Aug 24, 2020)

It all sounds like nonsense to me!

How can a sister that lives several hours away ban her adult sister from seeing anyone?

If the relationship is important to you keep the lines of communication open and ask your friend to contact you when she would like to visit.

IMO when your friend mentioned her concerns over what would happen to her if her sister died.  I think that she was doing a little _phishing_ to see if you would speak up and offer to take over her sister's duties.

Good luck to both of you!


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## win231 (Aug 24, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> I am a bit confused, how could he have boxes of stuff from Auschwitz as a prisoner?  That would be impossible, my step-father was among the troops that first arrived there and freed the camp.  As I understand it from the very little he said, and history, the prisoners barely had their lives, let alone “boxes of stuff”.
> 
> Could he have been a guard?  They would have had ”boxes of stuff”.  Just curious, you probably don’t know.


I should have made it clearer.  He probably had access to boxes of stuff that were stored before he became a prisoner, or during the time he was out.  The boxes had everything you could think of - hundred of match books, napkins from restaurants in Germany, etc.

I know he was a prisoner, not a guard because he had a number tattooed on his arm.  And he was Jewish.


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## Aneeda72 (Aug 24, 2020)

win231 said:


> I should have made it clearer.  He probably had access to boxes of stuff that were stored before he became a prisoner, or during the time he was out.  The boxes had everything you could think of - hundred of match books, napkins from restaurants in Germany, etc.
> 
> I know he was a prisoner, not a guard because he had a number tattooed on his arm.  And he was Jewish.


Thanks, just curious


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## RadishRose (Aug 24, 2020)

caringfriend said:


> "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will.


To answer the OP-
 In my opinion yes, because I don't know what making a will has to do with the passing of her caretaker.


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## GeorgiaXplant (Aug 24, 2020)

The only "mistake" you made was forgetting that people are suspicious of friends and family and their motives and doubly suspicious of strangers and their motives.


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## hollydolly (Aug 24, 2020)




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## Aneeda72 (Aug 24, 2020)

RadishRose said:


> To answer the OP-
> In my opinion yes, because I don't know what making a will has to do with the passing of her caretaker.


Because she would need money to hire someone to take care of her needs.  Therefore, the sister needed to make arrangements for her care.  The OP was doing things for her and had assumed a slight caretaker role.  In that role, the conversation about the Will was valid.


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## Judycat (Aug 24, 2020)

Ah I gave up on people a while ago. Next time tell the person to talk to her sister, or whatever family member, about it and don't agree to do it for her. You want to stay out of the middle. What you were doing was good, but you put more effort into it than I would have. People are weird. That's why there are lawyers.


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## toffee (Aug 24, 2020)

i would write to the older lady -explain about what you said ' and how your feeling ' with no bad intensions meant 
etc etc ..good luck ..

always best to never mention wills in a conversation 'seems the sis maybe afraid your coming to close ' people can be odd ....


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## Giantsfan1954 (Aug 24, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> I am a bit confused, how could he have boxes of stuff from Auschwitz as a prisoner?  That would be impossible, my step-father was among the troops that first arrived there and freed the camp.  As I understand it from the very little he said, and history, the prisoners barely had their lives, let alone “boxes of stuff”.
> 
> Could he have been a guard?  They would have had ”boxes of stuff”.  Just curious, you probably don’t know.


What difference does it make?


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## Giantsfan1954 (Aug 24, 2020)

toffee said:


> i would write to the older lady -explain about what you said ' and how your feeling ' with no bad intensions meant
> etc etc ..good luck ..
> 
> always best to never mention wills in a conversation 'seems the sis maybe afraid your coming to close ' people can be odd ....


It’s also a possibility that something got changed in the retelling of the story... Remember the old telephone game?


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## Aneeda72 (Aug 24, 2020)

Giantsfan1954 said:


> What difference does it make?


What difference does what make? I believe I said that I was CURIOUS, as to where the stuff came from, what other answer would you like?


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## caringfriend (Aug 24, 2020)

Aunt Bea said:


> It all sounds like nonsense to me!
> 
> How can a sister that lives several hours away ban her adult sister from seeing anyone?
> 
> ...



Thanks Aunt Bea.


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## caringfriend (Aug 24, 2020)

applecruncher said:


> You're welcome.
> I can understand why you're hurt.  Sometimes people suspect an ulterior motive when there is none.  It's happened to me and I just had to lick my wounds and shake it off.


Yeah, I was shocked.


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## caringfriend (Aug 24, 2020)

Giantsfan1954 said:


> It’s also a possibility that something got changed in the retelling of the story... Remember the old telephone game?


haha, i think something did!


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## RadishRose (Aug 24, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> Because she would need money to hire someone to take care of her needs.  Therefore, the sister needed to make arrangements for her care.  The OP was doing things for her and had assumed a slight caretaker role.  In that role, the conversation about the Will was valid.


oh, I had it backwards. She meant the sister should make a will.


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## caringfriend (Aug 24, 2020)

win231 said:


> When I was 50, I ran into a former friend of my mom's.  She was around 60.  She told me she was moving into an apartment with a friend of hers - a guy who was 92 & they were both not in shape to move & her friend's nephew was supposed to help them move, but he had to go into the hospital for hip replacement surgery.
> Since I was between jobs & had free time, I said I would help.  Her friend was a pack rat, so moving him wasn't easy.  He had stacks of boxes of stuff from years ago when he was a prisoner at Auschwitz.
> The move took five days.  A few weeks later, I called to ask how the nephew was doing - how the surgery went.  The nephew answered the phone.  I said, "Hi.  How are you doing?"
> He said, "Who the hell are you?"
> ...



it's shocking to be met with such abrupt conversation.


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## JaniceM (Aug 24, 2020)

Aunt Bea said:


> It all sounds like nonsense to me!
> 
> How can a sister that lives several hours away ban her adult sister from seeing anyone?
> 
> ...


Oh you'd be surprised at the degrees of power individuals can sometimes have even at a distance.  
It sounds to me the sister has motives that aren't in the elderly lady's best interest.
I'd advise the OP to contact whatever agency in her area deals with elder abuse and have them check into it.


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## Sunny (Aug 24, 2020)

I think the problem here was the word "Will."  What would have made more sense is "Living Will."  She was worried about her own care, if the sister was gone, maybe about extreme medical treatment measures keeping her alive, with no one to represent her, etc.  That's what a living will does.  An actual will would be irrelevant in this case, it seems to me.

I also wondered, as Aunt Bea did, how the sister could ban her from seeing anyway.  It sounds as if this woman is more than a little confused. Maybe she shouldn't be living independently, but that shouldn't be your problem.

You did the best you could, and she was lucky to have you for a friend.


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## SeaBreeze (Aug 24, 2020)

@caringfriend, I'm curious as to how long you've been friends with this 85 year old lady, and are you a senior citizen yourself?  Those two things may also have had some bearing as to why the woman's sister was suspicious.


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## Butterfly (Aug 24, 2020)

Aneeda72 said:


> I am a bit confused, how could he have boxes of stuff from Auschwitz as a prisoner?  That would be impossible, my step-father was among the troops that first arrived there and freed the camp.  As I understand it from the very little he said, and history, the prisoners barely had their lives, let alone “boxes of stuff”.
> 
> Could he have been a guard?  They would have had ”boxes of stuff”.  Just curious, you probably don’t know.



Yup, they had the clothes on their backs.  Some didn't even have clothes.


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## Butterfly (Aug 25, 2020)

toffee said:


> i would write to the older lady -explain about what you said ' and how your feeling ' with no bad intensions meant
> etc etc ..good luck ..
> 
> always best to never mention wills in a conversation 'seems the sis maybe afraid your coming to close ' people can be odd ....



I would not get further involved.  It might look like you are protesting too much.  Sometimes the best solution is to just walk away.


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## JB in SC (Aug 27, 2020)

In today's climate of elder fraud, I'd steer clear of any "personal" advice. Families are very suspicious of strangers inserting themselves into the lives of elderly relatives....no matter how innocent it may be.


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## win231 (Aug 27, 2020)

Another similar experience:
Back in my teens, I had a piano teacher.  She was Russian & her husband was Romanian.  When they got up into their 80's & stopped driving, I often socialized with them - taking them out to breakfast on weekends, helping her care for her cats, errands, etc.  Her husband considered himself a chef & a connoisseur of watches & jewelry & he had a little business on the side, selling them.
He liked to show me his expensive diamond rings & other jewelry & say, "I want you to have this when I die." I knew he was trying to show his appreciation, so i said nothing, even though I wasn't interested.  His wife would give him a dirty look.
Later, after his funeral, I'd call his wife to ask how she was doing & if she needed help with anything - errands, cat care (she had 10 cats).  She would say, "No," & hang up.  Obviously, she was afraid I would ask for the jewelry her husband wanted me to have.  I just stopped calling her.


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## MarciKS (Aug 27, 2020)

JB in SC said:


> In today's climate of elder fraud, I'd steer clear of any "personal" advice. Families are very suspicious of strangers inserting themselves into the lives of elderly relatives....no matter how innocent it may be.


It's kinda sad if you can't be friends with someone because someone else might think you're after their money.


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## fancicoffee13 (Sep 15, 2020)

caringfriend said:


> I am  friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing.
> 
> She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.
> 
> ...


You were doing the best you could, plus, you weren't real sure how to respond.  I would say, just let it go and chalk it all up to experience.


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## fancicoffee13 (Sep 15, 2020)

win231 said:


> Another similar experience:
> Back in my teens, I had a piano teacher.  She was Russian & her husband was Romanian.  When they got up into their 80's & stopped driving, I often socialized with them - taking them out to breakfast on weekends, helping her care for her cats, errands, etc.  Her husband considered himself a chef & a connoisseur of watches & jewelry & he had a little business on the side, selling them.
> He liked to show me his expensive diamond rings & other jewelry & say, "I want you to have this when I die." I knew he was trying to show his appreciation, so i said nothing, even though I wasn't interested.  His wife would give him a dirty look.
> Later, after his funeral, I'd call his wife to ask how she was doing & if she needed help with anything - errands, cat care (she had 10 cats).  She would say, "No," & hang up.  Obviously, she was afraid I would ask for the jewelry her husband wanted me to have.  I just stopped calling her.


Good choice.


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## win231 (Sep 17, 2020)

My sister is also like that - always seeing bad intent in everyone.  She probably absorbed that trait from our mother.
During our mother's last couple of years, a friend came to visit her.  When I told my sister about the friend's visit, she said, "She knows mom is old & she came to sniff around & see what she can get."
I reminded my sister that the friend was married to a successful businessman & they live in a nice house & have expensive new cars.  My sister's reply?  "I don't care, they're after whatever they can get."


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## fancicoffee13 (Sep 17, 2020)

win231 said:


> My sister is also like that - always seeing bad intent in everyone.  She probably absorbed that trait from our mother.
> During our mother's last couple of years, a friend came to visit her.  When I told my sister about the friend's visit, she said, "She knows mom is old & she came to sniff around & see what she can get."
> I reminded my sister that the friend was married to a successful businessman & they live in a nice house & have expensive new cars.  My sister's reply?  "I don't care, they're after whatever they can get."


That's negative thinking alright.  Just be positive towards them anyway.  Maybe somewhere down the line, they will begin to see it.


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## Spring (Sep 18, 2020)

Greetings Caring Friend,

If the relationship was sincerely heartfelt - I suggest you wait a reasonable amount of time (you decide what is reasonable for you) then send the lady a card. You might simply ask how she is doing these days, let her know she is missed and include your phone number after your signature.

Then let it rest – you may be pleasantly surprised with a call to lunch.


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## RadishRose (Sep 19, 2020)

Spring said:


> Greetings Caring Friend,
> 
> If the relationship was sincerely heartfelt - I suggest you wait a reasonable amount of time (you decide what is reasonable for you) then send the lady a card. You might simply ask how she is doing these days, let her know she is missed and include your phone number after your signature.
> 
> Then let it rest – you may be pleasantly surprised with a call to lunch.


Hi @Spring- Welcome to the Forum!


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## FastTrax (Sep 19, 2020)

caringfriend said:


> I am  friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing.
> 
> She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.
> 
> ...



I feel your anguish. From personal experience I have learned the hard way about hearing hard luck stories and when you have done what have done then give by what you're being told is your best advice given the situation and then it is presumed to have backfired then consider the source and that there are always two sides to every story and then there is the truth. Since the daughter was so alarmed and truly concerned for her mother one would think she would confront you directly if for no other reason then to hear what you have to say. This is not advice, just my personal opinion. Enjoy your weekend and GOD Bless.


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## Chrise (Oct 8, 2020)

caringfriend said:


> I am  friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing.
> 
> She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.
> 
> ...


That happens, if just a few years younger or of sound mind people. assume the worse, just be careful. Your ok.


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## Liberty (Oct 9, 2020)

Chrise said:


> That happens, if just a few years younger or of sound mind people. assume the worse, just be careful. Your ok.


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## hellomimi (Oct 9, 2020)

win231 said:


> My sister is also like that - always seeing bad intent in everyone.  She probably absorbed that trait from our mother.
> During our mother's last couple of years, a friend came to visit her.  When I told my sister about the friend's visit, she said, "She knows mom is old & she came to sniff around & see what she can get."
> I reminded my sister that the friend was married to a successful businessman & they live in a nice house & have expensive new cars.  My sister's reply?  "I don't care, they're after whatever they can get."


I used to know someone like that and I felt she needed a friend so bad but she was draining me with her toxicity. I had to un-entangle although I keep sending her positive vibes hoping she allows it to flow within her. I felt bad that I failed but I can't make anyone happy. I can only show them what it's like but can't make them live it.


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## Phoenix (Oct 9, 2020)

caringfriend said:


> I am  friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing.
> 
> She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.
> 
> ...


One thing to keep in mind is that at 85 your friend might easily get confused.  My mom at that age did.  There were a number of reasons, one was her medications.  She took everything the doctor recommended without questioning it.  She took at least six different meds per day.  Does your friend have a hearing problem?  There are so many things that could factor in.  She probably didn't mean to be cruel.  Her sister could be messed up.   Also something to remember is that the chemistry in a person's brain can change and the person you knew no longer exists the way she did before.  I don't think there is "one" right answer to the situation.  I'd say go with your gut.  Take it slowly.  The answer will come to you.


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## Ferocious (Oct 9, 2020)

*Did I make a mistake trying to help a senior friend?*

*Being the 'Knight in Shining Armour' that I am, I helped a disabled lady older than myself across the road, she then battered me with her brolly, telling me, "It's just taken me an hour to get across that road, and you, you silly sod just brought me back."   *


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## Morningglory (Nov 5, 2020)

caringfriend said:


> I am  friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing.
> 
> 
> caringfriend said:
> ...


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## fancicoffee13 (Nov 6, 2020)

I am so sorry this happened.  Be very careful when helping the elderly.  Listen an awful lot, and watch your words even though your heart is in the right place.


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