# The First Lesson of Marriage 101: There Are No Soul Mates



## sargentodiaz (Nov 16, 2018)

​  *Being in my fourth, I can totally agree with these headlines. Marriage is hard. After the rose colored glasses turn purple, human beings are just too complicated to get along without a lot of compromises and disappointments.*

_Research shows that practically every dimension of life happiness is influenced by the quality of one’s marriage, while divorce is the second most stressful life event one can ever experience._
​ _Yet nearly half of all married couples are likely to divorce, and many couples report feeling unhappy in their relationships. Instructors of Northwestern University’s Marriage 101 class want to change that. The goal of their course is to help students have more fulfilling love relationships during their lives. In Marriage 101 popular books such as __Mating in Captivity__ and __For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage__ are interspersed with meaty academic studies. Students attend one lecture a week and then meet in smaller breakout groups to discuss the weekly topics, which range from infidelity to addiction, childrearing to sexuality in long-term relationships._
 *Maybe this is why so many modern coupleare shunning the “I dos” and just shacking up instead. Easy to pack up and go without all the legal complications.*
*More about this* @ https://getpocket.com/explore/item/...arriage-101-there-are-no-soul-mates-545334583 *thanks to my daily Pocket feed.*​


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## Keesha (Nov 16, 2018)

I’m sorry but I completely disagree. I believe we ALL have soulmates out there and more than one. My husband and I most certainly are soulmates as are some others who have ventured into my life. You even feel them at a soul level.


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## Sassycakes (Nov 16, 2018)

Keesha said:


> I’m sorry but I completely disagree. I believe we ALL have soulmates out there and more than one. My husband and I most certainly are soulmates as are some others who have ventured into my life. You even feel them at a soul level.



I have to agree with you Keesha. I believe my Husband and I are soulmates. We met in our teen years and it was love at first site. We just celebrated 52yrs of marriage and I pray we celebrate many many more.


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## ClassicRockr (Nov 16, 2018)

Without a doubt, wife and I are soul-mates!!


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## retiredtraveler (Nov 16, 2018)

*"...The First Lesson of Marriage 101: There Are No Soul Mates...".         *

I agree, and we've been married for 42 years. To me, and according to so many studies, the 'basic rules' of the marriage are not discussed before the wedding. One of the biggest reasons for divorce is money, or lack thereof. It's simply not discussed before marrying. Then, family planning is also not discussed (how may children, how will they be raised, etc.).  And to be honest, I don't know how to address the very large problem of infidelity being another major cause of divorce --- it's a complicated issue.
There needs to be more than classes that tell couples about the 'harsh realities' they will face. There needs to be a detailed contract.


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## Lara (Nov 16, 2018)

I believe in soul mates BUT I also believe that the two soul mates must be the kinds of people who have an innate awareness and appreciation for what they have (I think I've lost out on many soul mates that have crossed my path because of that...I just didn't get it at the time). Some of us don't recognize a good thing when we've got it. 

And soul mates must both have an innate healthy tolerance level.


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## Gary O' (Nov 16, 2018)

sargentodiaz said:


> ​  *Being in my fourth, I can totally agree with these headlines. Marriage is hard. After the rose colored glasses turn purple, human beings are just too complicated to get along without a lot of compromises and disappointments.*
> 
> _Research shows that practically every dimension of life happiness is influenced by the quality of one’s marriage, while divorce is the second most stressful life event one can ever experience._
> ​ _Yet nearly half of all married couples are likely to divorce, and many couples report feeling unhappy in their relationships. Instructors of Northwestern University’s Marriage 101 class want to change that. The goal of their course is to help students have more fulfilling love relationships during their lives. In Marriage 101 popular books such as __Mating in Captivity__ and __For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage__ are interspersed with meaty academic studies. Students attend one lecture a week and then meet in smaller breakout groups to discuss the weekly topics, which range from infidelity to addiction, childrearing to sexuality in long-term relationships._
> ...



*The First Lesson of Marriage 101: There Are No Soul Mates *

Au contraire

My lady is definitely my soul mate
Oh, I’ve got buddies, and too many friends, but she is my side kick, my confidant, my sharer of my life, and…well…you know

Sure, we have arguments, some rather wild, and even hurtful.
And we’ll go our separate ways, me in the shop, her in her spinning shed.

Then, after we come to what we already know, we come together, both stating how crappy life is, how nothing is worth doing, when we’re at odds.

Then we laugh, poking fun at ourselves, each other.

No, my friend, you are wrong….waaaaaay wrong


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## C'est Moi (Nov 16, 2018)

The FIRST lesson of Marriage 101 is RESPECT.   Marriages fail because people are selfish and don't take the time to honor and respect their partner.   Love is easy; marriage takes work.


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## gennie (Nov 16, 2018)

Successful marriages are not 50/50 but more like 60/60 so there is a little wiggle room left for stressful times.


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## Ken N Tx (Nov 16, 2018)

Keesha said:


> I’m sorry but I completely disagree. I believe we ALL have soulmates out there and more than one. My husband and I most certainly are soulmates as are some others who have ventured into my life. You even feel them at a soul level.





Sassycakes said:


> I have to agree with you Keesha. I believe my Husband and I are soulmates. We met in our teen years and it was love at first site. We just celebrated 52yrs of marriage and I pray we celebrate many many more.





Lara said:


> I believe in soul mates BUT I also believe that the two soul mates must be the kinds of people who have an innate awareness and appreciation for what they have (I think I've lost out on many soul mates that have crossed my path because of that...I just didn't get it at the time). Some of us don't recognize a good thing when we've got it.
> 
> And soul mates must both have an innate healthy tolerance level.


Ditto to all the above!!
Married 55 years..


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## Falcon (Nov 16, 2018)

Gennie,  I  LUV  that  expression,  "Wiggle Room" !   Sounds so sexy.


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## Ronni (Nov 16, 2018)

There are many definitions of "soulmate" and I think whether or not you believe in the concept depends on how you define the term.  I think it's way overused, and also used incorrectly, and has resulted in either losing its significance or becoming hackneyed and trite.

I'm exposed to many young people through my close association with my teen grandkids, their friends, and also via some of my friends' grandchildren.  My own granddaughter recently broke up with "the love of her life" and is devastated because he's her "soulmate" and her "best friend" and they shared a "perfect love" and they finish each other's sentences and share a brain and she will never ever find anyone else.  She's 15. However for the past several days she has been blowing up my phone waxing enthusiastic over her newest crush.  I'm not belittling her feelings, just giving you an example of the kind of thing I hear frequently from the many young people I associate with.  

We are bombarded on a daily basis via every bit of media we involve ourselves in with idealized relationship models.  They vary in concept and content (everything from human/vampire romances to senior citizen love triangles to everything else in between) but most if not all end with that "perfect love" scenario.  I am neither cynical nor jaded, but I AM a realist, and have come to feel strongly about how intimate/romantic relationships are modeled for this current generation.  I think it has a tendency to set them up for disappointment because it raises their expectations of what to expect in their own relationships to an unrealistic degree.  If that "soulmate" quality isn't present, can't be made to be present, can't be portrayed as such, then they're not with the love of their life.  

I do believe that there can be an immediate and unexpected emotional/spiritual connection with someone you've just met. That doesn't guarantee that they will become your soulmate, but it's a good foundation for pursuing the potential. 

I personally think soulmates don't just randomly happen, they are made.  I think that two people who are reasonably compatible and both committed to making the relationship the best it can be, who are growing together instead of apart, who prioritize their own personal emotional and mental health as well as the health of the relationship, and who are generous spirited enough to willingly compromise on things about which they disagree, will become soulmates over time.

<steps off soapbox> :lol:


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## Keesha (Nov 16, 2018)

sargentodiaz said:


> ​  *Being in my fourth, I can totally agree with these headlines. Marriage is hard. After the rose colored glasses turn purple, human beings are just too complicated to get along without a lot of compromises and disappointments.*
> 
> 
> *Maybe this is why so many modern coupleare shunning the “I dos” and just shacking up instead. Easy to pack up and go without all the legal complications.*
> ​



I have never actually been married. I’m ‘shacking up’ but that doesn’t make it easy to pack up and go without all the legal complications. It can and does have legal complications and is just as difficult as the  ones who have the icence. 
I just made sure my names on the mortgage. :laugh:


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## DaveA (Nov 16, 2018)

Never even heard of "soul mates" until these recent years.  I met a girl in 1953. She had just turned 17, three weeks before and I was 19  She became my "girlfriend".  Did that make her my "soul mate"?  We were engaged in 1955 and married in '56. Friends and lovers but "soul mates"???  Never heard of it. 

And as far as planning went, one year later (to the month), she was working as a receptionist at a local radio station, our first child was due later in the month, I was discharged from the service and looking for a job.  If anyone needs an example of bad or no planning, this was it.  It surely wasn't the "planning" that we held out as an example for our kids.

Nevertheless, we're still walking along, hand in hand, 65 years after we met.  Soulmates?  I have no idea but it's been a wonderful lifetime.


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## SeaBreeze (Nov 22, 2018)

C'est Moi said:


> The FIRST lesson of Marriage 101 is RESPECT.   Marriages fail because people are selfish and don't take the time to honor and respect their partner.   Love is easy; marriage takes work.



Agree.


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