# Grandparents Apart



## grahamg (Jan 13, 2017)

Grandparents are at the heart of children’s lives 


www.grandparentsapart.co.uk/pressreports/inmyview.htm


In My View -Sunday Post
By Jimmy Deuchars 
Head of Grandparents Apart UK


DEPUTY PRIME Minister Nick Clegg revealed plans last week for grandparents to get stronger rights to step in and help children when parents break-up.
He said it was “crazy” that the wider family did not feel they could intervene in such situations, and the UK Government is setting up a Childhood and Families Ministerial Task Force.


It’s difficult to express the importance of grandparents to a child’s life. They are the biggest carers of children in this country — but for too long, they haven’t had a role to play as far as the law is concerned. When social services turn at their doorstep at 2 am, asking if they can take in their grandkids due to some problem or other, very few will refuse. When there are troubles in a household, for example a parent is unable to look after their kids due to a drug problem, grandparents are often first in line to step in and help out.


We can prevent children from going into care, and provide a warm home and stable environment. Children can either grow up to be thugs or good citizens and much of that comes down to what happens to them in childhood.


When parents spilt up, and children are involved, it’s not the role of grandparents to take sides. The role is to mediate and act in the best interests of the children.
Today’s grandparents tend to be younger and fitter than in previous generations. Of course, people are living longer so there are more years to spend with one another. I only knew one of my grandparents, and even then it was only for a short period. I feel like I missed out.


It may surprise some people to learn that I don’t believe in automatic legal rights for grandparents. However, courts and social services do need to give grandparents more consideration than at present when making assessments about children’s lives. They cannot underestimate the loving and supporting role grandparents can play.
I’ve seen some ridiculous situations, like one judge preventing someone who he admitted was a “loving, caring grandmother” from seeing her grandchildren because of animosity between her and her daughter.


I have six grandchildren myself, ranging in age from 18 to three. They are my treat and my wife Margaret and I see them as often as we can. Having grandchildren is pure love, pure innocence. It gives us a second trip around. We get all the enjoyment of children, but without so much responsibility!


When a grandparent loses touch with their grandchildren, it is absolutely heartbreaking. They are left feeling confused and vulnerable. It’s like a bereavement, but without any closure. I know myself how easy it can happen. My daughter died of breast cancer, leaving two young children behind.


After a few years, their dad met a new woman and moved down south with the kids. His new partner didn’t want anything to do with us and we were gradually cut out of our grandkids’ lives to the point where we had to hire a lawyer. Thankfully, everything was sorted in the end but we’ll never forget the pain and hurt.


I know of so many similar devastating tales. There was one woman who lost her daughter to a brain tumour. In the aftermath of her death, emotions were running high and she fell out with the paternal family, resulting in her losing contact with her grandkids. She contacted our charity and we helped arrange a mediation session, which resulted in a terrific reconciliation. But not everyone gets such a happy ending. I know of one woman who fell out with her daughter, was banned from seeing her five grandchildren, and later found out they were being ill-treated in a dreadful abuse case.


Many others spend the final years of their lives heartbroken at being unable to see their flesh and blood grow up, and share in their experiences.
But I don’t believe courts are the best place to resolve family problems. Mediation is more preferable. And while I will always champion the cause of grandparents, it’s important they accept that children belong to parents. Many conflicts arise because grandparents don’t know when to back away. They may think they know better due to their experience, but things change. Modern parents are more educated and pick up things from antenatal classes. Modern methods of bringing up children may clash with those of previous generations.


But parents must be able to raise their own children, without interference.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jan 23, 2017)

Yes we are. I had read one time that spending time with grandparents could help deter young people form crime. I also read that the younger generation actually wants our input about money management. I think it's very sad and cruel to keep grandchildren from seeing grandparents under normal circumstances. The only good reason would be if they live far apart and neither parents or grandparents can afford to travel.


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## grahamg (Jan 23, 2017)

*Glad for your input*



OneEyedDiva said:


> Yes we are. I had read one time that spending time with grandparents could help deter young people form crime. I also read that the younger generation actually wants our input about money management. I think it's very sad and cruel to keep grandchildren from seeing grandparents under normal circumstances. The only good reason would be if they live far apart and neither parents or grandparents can afford to travel.



I am very glad for your input, as I felt this thread had no legs here, although a similar thread "elsewhere" has generated comment like yours and some controversy around whatever "A child's best interests" might mean.

It is possible another thread here covering a particular grandparents experiences has garnered all the interest, (and has some very insightful posts) but I hope this discussiuon proves fruitful too. 

So, you agree with Jimmy Deuchars that grandparents are at the heart of our grandchildren's lives .

Your comment "under normal circumstances" (its very sad and cruel to keep grandchildren from seeing grandparents) covers a multitude of sins of course. Where there is "harm" or likely to be harm to the grandchildren I think we would all agree is one of those circumstances.   

However, the grey area surrounds assessments of the child's best interests, and believe me please there are literally no end to the permutations possible when "professionals" involved in family law start to intrude into children's lives and decree whatever they feel are their best interests. I've found a former "professional" elsehwere who has the temerity to claim the family law system in the UK works 99.9% of the time. 

No reasonable human being in my view could make such a statement and only a professional blinkered by their own infallability could think it possible to resolve matters the that degree of satisfaction. *BUT *they will never be held to account whilst the family law remains fixed upon a notion that cannot be defined or ultimately known, such as the best interests of the child and all its ramifications.


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## Kitties (Jan 24, 2017)

Is that why I'm so messed up. I never had a grandparent. The only one I had was my stepfather's mother. She was nice to us. My mother hated and demonized her. I think grandparents can give that unconditional love. Something I don't think I've ever felt.

I have at work even inappropriately, but kindly, opened my big mouth and told some families they were lucky to have had a grandparent. I never did.


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## grahamg (Jan 24, 2017)

*Not everyone who loves us can tell us perhaps......*



Kitties said:


> Is that why I'm so messed up. I never had a grandparent. The only one I had was my stepfather's mother. She was nice to us. My mother hated and demonized her. I think grandparents can give that unconditional love. Something I don't think I've ever felt.
> 
> I have at work even inappropriately, but kindly, opened my big mouth and told some families they were lucky to have had a grandparent. I never did.



Not sure I can answer your question, even though I know at times in my life I've felt as you do.

Two people who undoubtedly loved me, both of whom have now passed on, were my own parents. My father would never mention a word like love really, and my mother who favoured me in many ways amongst her seven children (maybe because I've been vulnerable in my life as she often was) couldn't tell you she loved you unfortunately.

However, we should be sympathetic towards parents like mine I feel, because not only could they not tell us children they loved us (though looking back they showed it so many times by putting up with our foolishness etc.) *BUT *they couldn't tell each other they felt love either, though neither of them ever wanted anyone else The thread is about grandparents and I had four good ones, though only one who really tried to get to know me well because he lived longest as was a "very deep" and formidable character, but I'm glad your stepfather's mother was a good one.


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## Wilberforce (Jan 24, 2017)

Kitties, I didn't have Grandparents either, well  I had a Grandad who lived 300 miles away that died when I was 7. w
e did see him but I only vaguely remember him. The others had died. I was a very late baby to my parents so Grandparents were extremely old when I arrived and died shortly there after.

My Mother was a sort of surrogate Grandmother to most of the neighbors as she was a generation older than most so there were always kids at her house.

I used to be a volunteer Grandparent. I got sort of adopted by 2 families that didn't have one . The two children in question are grown up now with children of their own but we still have contact.

I longed for a Grandparent when I was growing up so I understand how important they are in a childs life.


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