# When do you just give up and leave



## Patty (Mar 5, 2017)

I never thought I would write this but here I am. After surviving 4th stage cancer being given 6 months to live, I had my son tell me today how he hates living here, how I am to blame, how now even his 7 year old son wants to leave here.  All because I finally told my son to get off his hand and get a job that I want my life back.  Now I am selfish, hated, but not hated enough they stuck me with their 4 year old daughter his wife does not want too much trouble.  I am in tears, and all my savings are gone due to them.  They blew through 150k of my retirement due to their stupidity and legal fees.  Any way I want them gone it seems as if their true feeling finally came out.  All my son and wife do is fight her screaming at him and kids.

So what do u do?  I am broke sill working at my age when all I want is an efficiency apt. And left as lone.  To me it's a game called take away.  We take live away unless u do as we say.  I have reverse morale I could just walk away from it all.


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## Warrigal (Mar 5, 2017)

Patty, before you do anything that will leave you in a bad financial position going forward, may I suggest that you contact a family counsellor and a financial advisor. I do agree that you need to find some resolution of your situation.


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## Patty (Mar 5, 2017)

I'm already in a bad financial situation.  I have 15k left, now working full time with only SS if I have to quit.  Which at least is 3k a month.


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## oldman (Mar 5, 2017)

I'm sorry for your situation. I don't want to sound judgmental, but it appears to me that your son & dil are ungrateful. I don't know what the legal situation was that you referred to, but maybe it was at that point when you spent your money to help them out of a jam is when the wheels started coming off the cart. 

I agree with Warrigal that you should seek some outside help in your area. Possibly an attorney or a consultant at your local area Agency On Aging Center may be able to give you some guidance.


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## Patty (Mar 5, 2017)

Today my son said he wished he could leave, yet 4 days ago he want to divorce his wife, now he says my 7 year old grandson wants to leave here. And now no one will text me.  I never should have allowed them back but I was trying to be a good mom who loves her child.  Today hurt all because I said I'm going to church like it or not and I and taking back charge of my life.


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## Buckeye (Mar 5, 2017)

God bless your heart, Patty.  I can't add to what Warrigal and oldman advised in any meaningful way.  Just know that if you seek help you will find it.


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 5, 2017)

Patty, first let me say that I'm very happy to know that you've survived your serious health issue, that's wonderful.  It sounds like you're a very loving and giving mother who unfortunately was taken advantage of by your son and his wife.  Sorry you're in this situation, very sad for sure.

I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do, and I have no experience in a matter like this to give any first hand advice, so I'll just say what comes to me.  You were absolutely right and not selfish at all to make demands of your son to get a job and take care of himself and his wife and child.  You've proven your selflessness just by putting so much of your hard earned retirement savings, time and emotional support into trying to help them.

I doesn't seem like you'll ever be reimbursed by them which is really a shame, in my opinion.  So, thinking about leaving and giving up does make some sense to me.  When do you start to face the reality and start thinking about what's best for you and _your _future?  When do you see to it that the little you have left is not depleted and gone unappreciated by your son and his family, leaving you in the 'poor house'.  So in this case I start to think that you should take this opportunity to make some changes that _you _can live with.

There's no doubt in my mind that you are a good Mom, you've done more than your best to help out and make things work for your son and his family.  They seem to want to drain you until they can get no more and you don't deserve that.  Maybe you should seek some kind of professional counseling about this, I don't know.  I know you're hurting right now, and that is understandable.  My heart goes out to you, and I'm glad you're thinking about this now instead of letting things get further out of control.  Hugs....lots of us do care and hope you can move forward by putting yourself first for now.


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## RadishRose (Mar 5, 2017)

Patty I can only echo what everyone else has already said.

I urge you to speak with a trained counselor about leaving. I think you feel that taking your life back is the best thing to do, but maybe you're afraid of feeling guilty once you do it. Many of us mothers feel "guilty" about some things we should not feel guilty about at all.

I wish you the best resolution possible for you. After what you've done and been through, it's about YOU now.


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## Debby (Mar 5, 2017)

I'm with everyone else here Patty.  Dump them, get them out of your life, run do not walk!  There is absolutely no reason that you need to keep toxic people in your life that I can think of.  And don't feel guilty about this breakdown, it sounds like it's all on them and they don't deserve you.

And I can't give you any advice on your financial situation, wish I could........maybe when you get rid of the freeloaders, you will discover some friend who is a real friend and the two of you can share a little two bedroom apartment or something or maybe if you can even find a little studio apartment of your own (I think you deserve some privacy after all this BS that you've put up with), but almost anything is better it sounds like.


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## Grumpy Ol' Man (Mar 5, 2017)

A retired police officer and his wife lived across the street.  One morning, the retired officer didn't wake up.  Was a shock and totally unexpected.  His widow began working two jobs in an attempt to keep the home and move her life forward.  She allowed a deadbeat son to move into the basement.  The first week, he tore the transmission out of his car.  Began driving her deceased husband's truck.  Within a few months has destroyed it.  Shortly thereafter, totaled her car.  She then had to lease a car to drive back and forth to work.
He never worked a day.  In his mid-30's, his "back hurt".  So, he sat in the basement playing video games all day.  His dog ruined the carpet upstairs and down.  Instead of kicking the deadbeat out, she finally lost the house.  Couldn't make the mortgage payments while supporting the deadbeat son.  Now is renting a small house in a depressed part of town.

So many times a family becomes the "enabler".  A child will make the parent(s) feel everything is their fault and that it is the parent(s) responsibility to provide for them.  They believe they are entitled to mooch off the parent(s).  In the meantime, a parent suffers physical and emotional damage due to the stress factor.  No society is going to allow a family to starve.  There are a number of social service organizations that will assist truly needy families.  

Your community should have an organization that will provide free or low cost legal advice re family issues.  Contact an emergency shelter or similar facility.  They should be able to get you in contact with legal assistance to execute paperwork for eviction.  Make certain local law enforcement is aware of the situation BEFORE the son is serve with the papers.  You will be called names.  You will be told how pathetic of a parent you are for tossing your own out the door.  You will be doing your son and his family a favor by forcing them to begin finding a means of supporting themselves.  The longer you are the enabler, the more difficult it will be for them to begin taking responsibility for their own actions.

More tears are shed over family than any other thing.  Wish I were there to hug and hold as you move through one of the most difficult things you will ever experience.


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## Wren (Mar 6, 2017)

Nothing I can add to what has already been said Patty, but my heart goes out to you and I hope you manage to find some peace of mind and a happier life for yourself soon


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## OneEyedDiva (Mar 14, 2017)

Grumpy Ol' Man said:


> A retired police officer and his wife lived across the street.  One morning, the retired officer didn't wake up.  Was a shock and totally unexpected.  His widow began working two jobs in an attempt to keep the home and move her life forward.  She allowed a deadbeat son to move into the basement.  The first week, he tore the transmission out of his car.  Began driving her deceased husband's truck.  Within a few months has destroyed it.  Shortly thereafter, totaled her car.  She then had to lease a car to drive back and forth to work.
> He never worked a day.  In his mid-30's, his "back hurt".  So, he sat in the basement playing video games all day.  His dog ruined the carpet upstairs and down.  Instead of kicking the deadbeat out, she finally lost the house.  Couldn't make the mortgage payments while supporting the deadbeat son.  Now is renting a small house in a depressed part of town.
> 
> So many times a family becomes the "enabler".  A child will make the parent(s) feel everything is their fault and that it is the parent(s) responsibility to provide for them.  They believe they are entitled to mooch off the parent(s).  In the meantime, a parent suffers physical and emotional damage due to the stress factor.  No society is going to allow a family to starve.  There are a number of social service organizations that will assist truly needy families.
> ...


Great answer Grumpy ol' Man!! You have spoken the truth and given very sage advice! I have been an enabler and in doing so lost some of my retirement savings but not all.  I would never let it get that far and I am no longer an enabler. I stopped at the most dire time of the person's "need". That was a wake up call for him and SO freeing for me! 

You have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about Patty. You will be aiding in their growth as human beings to require them to get out on their own. Struggles often build character.  And you will be doing wonders for your own health and well being. I have zero tolerance for ungrateful people, I don’t care if they are immediate family, other relatives or friends. Your obligation to your son ended when he became an adult. Now it’s time for him to act like one. I agree with all…I know it’s hard for a mother (grandmother) to let go emotionally but you will be better off without them in your life.  I have a saying..if someone is gets upset with me because I did the right thing….They’ll get over it and if they don’t…Oh Well !


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## Vega_Lyra (Mar 15, 2017)

Good intentions don’t always get good results
Adult children often take advantage of us.
 :disillusionment:


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## boaterboi (Mar 15, 2017)

Patty said:


> I'm already in a bad financial situation.  I have 15k left, now working full time with only SS if I have to quit.  Which at least is 3k a month.



3K a month is pretty good. I think you should retire and get your efficiency apartment and live for yourself. Just my two cents.


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## Butterfly (Mar 15, 2017)

I completely agree with all here.  They are adults, and you have no obligation to beggar yourself because of them.  Get them out of there, CHANGE THE LOCKS. grit your teeth and move on.  Do NOT negotiate with them -- they'll say it's all your fault and they'll do better.  It isn't, and they won't.  Be prepared for them to use the grandchildren as leverage to make you feel guilty.  They are not your responsibility, either.  Get a restraining order if you have to, and keep your teeth gritted and stay strong and focused.  YOU have a right to a decent life, too.


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## Iodine (Mar 21, 2017)

I'm so sorry to hear what's happened to you Patty and I can imagine how hurt you are.  I can't add anything to what's already been said.  There's a lot of good advise here and it won't be easy to follow but please do.  Also please keep in touch with us here and let us know how it's going.


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## terry123 (Apr 5, 2017)

Agree with Butterfly. Do change the locks.  Find yourself a little condo or apt and don't feel bad. Remember "when people show you who they are, believe them".


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## debbie in seattle (Apr 5, 2017)

Hello, my name is Debbie and I too, am an enabler (to our oldest daughter).    Long story short, once we cut her off financially, she cut us out of her life.   There is a hole in my heart that will always be there, I wonder each and every day if she is ok, but it is what it is.   She owes me $150,000.00 which I will never see.


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## Linda (Apr 5, 2017)

Patty, one thing I might add here is, if you every come into a large amount of money DON'T let you son and DIL know.  They will just try to think of ways to get it away from you.  I hope you are able to get them out of your life and hopefully, someday they will change and come back and appreciate you.  With them living some place other than with you.  I hope the same for Debbie in Seattle too.  It hurts so much when  you have an estranged child but sometimes they do wake up, change and come back to you.  I've seen it happen.


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## Victor Meldrew (Apr 7, 2017)

You might think about talking to the police about the money they blew through.

Maybe you have a case for exploitation of the elderly, a crime in most if not all states.

Throw the little jerks in jail and then force them to work to pay you back.

If they hang their under lips and cry, just look at them and say "Tough love, sonny".


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## Victor Meldrew (Apr 7, 2017)

debbie in seattle said:


> Hello, my name is Debbie and I too, am an enabler (to our oldest daughter).    Long story short, once we cut her off financially, she cut us out of her life.   There is a hole in my heart that will always be there, I wonder each and every day if she is ok, but it is what it is.   She owes me $150,000.00 which I will never see.



That sounds really tough.

Makes me sick hearing about selfish kids treating their parents that way.


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## WhatInThe (Apr 8, 2017)

Without pestering, preaching or lecturing let them know money along with their employment, contributions or responsibility shift are an issue. Don't let the issue/s die. They will write you off as someone who doesn't care or has a lot of money. Start showing them some of the consequences of a poor financial situation. The trick is soft persistence.


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## nitelite (Apr 9, 2017)

Patty, It's the new generation of grown kids today. The majority of them are ungrateful and extremely disrespectful to their parents. STOP giving to them today and START making a life for yourself without them. They are not going to change so you have to change. Good luck!  -- There are many online support groups for your situation. Search for "estranged adult children", there is a lot of information there that might be helpful to you.


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