# The jokes only thread....



## Pappy

*Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in? " he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya. "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband? "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery. "Oh, God no! " cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me... "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. "Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim? "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly? "Well, no Brenda, no. "No? "Fact is, he got out three times to pee. "*


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## Ken N Tx

Pappy said:


> *Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in? " he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya. "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband? "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery. "Oh, God no! " cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me... "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. "Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim? "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly? "Well, no Brenda, no. "No? "Fact is, he got out three times to pee. "*


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## Furryanimal

*COINCIDENCE*

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. 

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" 

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. 

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." 

"Of course," replies the second man. 

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" 

"Dublin," comes the reply. 

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." 

"Of course," replies the second man. 

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" 

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." 

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" 

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. 

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."


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## Pappy

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you. "She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde. " The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde? "


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## Furryanimal

So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. 
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief. 
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure." 
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?" 
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger." 
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?" 
Cop: "More important, sir." 
Chief: "A major politician?" 
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important." 
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?" 
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."


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## Furryanimal

[h=3]Over Sixties One-liners[/h]1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?' 
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it. 
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21 you can't remember who sent you this list?


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## Pappy

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom? Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white? "


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## Ken N Tx

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.


He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”


She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”


“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”


She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”


The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”


“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”


The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”


“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”


The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”


LOL! Keep smiling! <3  ENJOY!!


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## Ken N Tx

Husband takes the wife to a Club.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"


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## Pappy

[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*Two Mexican detectives were investigating the death of Juan Gonzalez.*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*"How do you think he was killed ?", asks one detective.*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*The other detective replies, "with a golf gun".*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*"A golf gun, what on earth is a golf gun ?"*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*"I'm not sure but it sure made a hole in Juan".*[/FONT][/FONT]


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## Furryanimal

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

 The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. 
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."


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## Pappy

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! "They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said... "Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down! "


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## Lord Elpus

I just had an argument with a one-legged bloke who was wearing a camouflage jacket.
He's just gone to ground somewhere around here-but I'm not bothered.

...he can hide - but he can't run.


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## Pappy

[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*1. Two guys were discussing current trends on sex, marriage and family values.*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife till after we were married, did you ?*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*Jim replied, "I'm not sure what was her maiden name ?"*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*2. A very bright little boy ask his mother, "mom were did my intelligence come from ?*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*His mother replied, "you must have gotten it from your father, I still have mine."*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*3. "Mr. Clark I have reviewed this case very carefully", the divorce judge said, " and I have decided to give your wife $800.00 per week."*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*"that's very kind of you Your Honor", replied Mr. Clark, "I'll try and send her a few bucks also."*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*4. A doctor examining a man that had been rushed to the emergency room called the wife aside and said, "ma'am I'm sorry but I don't like the looks of your husband".*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*The wife replied, "me either but he's a good provider and great with our children".*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*5. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "can you tell me how long it will take to fly from New York to Dallas ?"*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*The busy ticket agent replies, "just a minute."*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*The blonde says, "thank you" and hangs up.*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*6. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the death of Juan Gonzalez.*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*"How do you think he was killed ?", asks one detective.*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*The other detective replies, "with a golf gun".*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*"A golf gun, what on earth is a golf gun ?"*[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*"I'm not sure but it sure made a hole in Juan".*[/FONT][/FONT]


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## Lord Elpus

Ok-a Star Wars quiz...who became famous for saying from ethereal stance "Luke-update The Force"...

...that's right...._Adobe Wan Kenobi_...WELL done!


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## RadishRose




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## Lord Elpus

Did you hear about the confused cat?

It had a poo,then buried itself!


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## Furryanimal

Who Is The Real Boss? The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn’t respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, “I am the boss”. One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said “your wife wants her sign back”


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## Furryanimal

[FONT=q_serif]Apologies to American members....There is the taxi driver story about the American that he was driving around London.
The american wanted to know about all the landmarks. Each time the driver told him about something the reply was that we have that sort of building bigger and said they were always taller and quickly built.
After a while the driver went past Buckingham Palace, the guy says what’s that big building. the driver replied, I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday.
That soon shut his boasting up…..


[/FONT][FONT=q_serif][/FONT]


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## Furryanimal




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## Lord Elpus

Ah-that reminds me of a joke I heard in about 1835AD,when I were butter lad;

"Watson,I've been eating immodium all week".

..."No sh1t,Sherlock!"


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## Pappy




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## Lord Elpus

I was at the counter in Starbucks yesterday, when the serving-wench loudly informed me I was pretentious and should ''Get a life''.

...I was so shocked at her impudence I _very_ nearly dropped my sucrose-free Austrian goats-milk double-semi-decaf soy milk extra-hot Cappuccino with the dash of Madagascar cinnamon and half tablespoon of caramel-latte-frappa tall-soy carmel Hazelnut machiato!!

PRETENTIOUS?  _MOI???_   HMMPH!

WHAT a cheek.


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## hollydolly

LOL>..^^^^^ :rofl:


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## Pappy

:lol1:


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## Furryanimal

I have no idea what a polynomial function is.


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## Pappy

Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school! "As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear! " The 4-year-old gives a fearful look. The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'! " The 4-year-old agrees with reservation. They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast? "The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios! "He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking. Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast? "The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma... But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios! "


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## RadishRose

Furryanimal said:


> View attachment 58931
> I have no idea what a polynomial function is.



In mathematics, a *polynomial* is an expression consisting of variables (also called indeterminates) and coefficients, that involves only the operations of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and non-negative integer exponents of variables. An example of a polynomial of a single indeterminate, _x_, is _x_[SUP]2[/SUP] − 4_x_ + 7. An example in three variables is _x_[SUP]3[/SUP] + 2_xyz_[SUP]2[/SUP] − _yz_ + 1. 
Polynomials appear in many areas of mathematics and science. For example, they are used to form polynomial equations, which encode a wide range of problems, from elementary word problems to complicated problems in the sciences; they are used to define *polynomial functions*, which appear in settings ranging from basic chemistry and physics to economics and social science; they are used in calculus and numerical analysis to approximate other functions. In advanced mathematics, polynomials are used to construct polynomial rings and algebraic varieties, central concepts in algebra and algebraic geometry. 

Got it!?  layful:


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## Lord Elpus

Yeah.  Wot Radish said!


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## Pappy




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## Lord Elpus

My sister walked into my bedroom yesterday, looked at me, then said "Y'know,for a man of 64 years,you're SO childish!"

...well,I wasn't having THAT. 

...so I banned her from my fort!


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## Sassycakes

Since it is almost Thanksgiving I thought you might enjoy cooking your Turkey Like I cook Mine.

Step 1: Go buy a turkey 
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD 
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven 
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey 
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens 
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink 
Step 7: Turn oven the on 
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky 
Step 9: Turk the bastey 
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get 
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer 
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey 
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours 
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey 
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey 
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick 
Step 17: Turk the carvey 
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch 
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey 
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out​


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## CindyLouWho

Hysterical, that's a good one! ....


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## Lord Elpus

Why did the chicken cross the road?

....it was trying to get a signal on it's iPhone 4.


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## Pappy

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself."Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly! "


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## Lord Elpus

I buried my cat today.
...he isn't dead-I just REALLY enjoy p*ssing him off...


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## Ken N Tx

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.


They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."


The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.


They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."


The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"


He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."


With age comes wisdom.


-----


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## Aunt Bea

Ken N Tx said:


> With age comes wisdom.-----



and a good night's sleep.


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## Pappy

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender. Brunette: "I'll have a B and C. "Bartender:"What is a B and C? ". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke. "Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T. "Bartender: "What's a G and T? "Redhead: "Gin and tonic. "Blonde: "I'll have a 15. "Bartender: "What's a 15? "Blonde: "7 and 7"


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## Sassycakes

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying."What’s wrong, Sam?" they asked."You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."​


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## IKE

A man calls his boss and says, "I feel sick to day and I won't be in".

His boss says, "when I'm feeling under the weather having sex with my wife always makes me feel better, try that".

A couple of hours later the employee calls back and says, "You're right I feel much better now and by the way you have a really nice home".


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## Sassycakes

I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
 I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my granddaughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been,
 it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 
"Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?
“You are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly, "All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. 
You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently 
pondering this new information.
 "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa."
"Exactly," I replied.


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## Lord Elpus

"_What do we want?_"

"*A cure for impatience!*".

"_When do we want it?_"

".....are you taking the p1ss?"


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## Lord Elpus

I have a friend who combines being a professional architect with being a part-time  actor.

He REALLY knows how to make an entrance!

[Ai thenkyoh]


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## Sassycakes

A man was speaking to God.
"God, why did you  make women so beautiful?" he asked.
God said: "I did that to make you love them".
Then the man asked: "Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?"
God said: "I did that to make you love them".
The man then asked: "But God, why did you make women so stupid?".
God said: "I did that to make them love you !"


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## Pappy

The teacher was conducting a class in nutrition and asked the class to name four qualities of mother's milk. Little Johnny pipes up and says, "I know teacher! "Number One: It's fresh. Number Two: It's nutritious. Number Three: I't served at just the right temperature. And Number Four: It comes in a cool container!"


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## C'est Moi

I'll just leave this here.


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## Pappy

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300. " "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking. " "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth. " "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike! "


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes

A husband walks into  Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his  wife.
*Quote :**He is shown several  possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the  sheerer, the higher the price.
**Quote :**Naturally, he opts  for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
**Quote :**He presents it to  his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model  it for him.
**Quote :**Upstairs the wife  thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so  sheer that it might as well be  nothing.
**Quote :**I won't put it on,  but I'll do the modelling naked, return it  tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for  myself.'
**Quote :**She appears naked on  the balcony and strikes a pose.
**Quote :**The husband says,  'Good Grief! You'd think for  $500, they'd at least iron it!'........................................................*


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## Pappy




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## Furryanimal




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## Sassycakes

Pappy said:


> View attachment 59974


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## Sassycakes




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## Pappy

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity. "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife. " "One Sunday morning," he continued,"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"


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## Lord Elpus

A local charity asked if I could come up with an idea to help them raise money to research cures for Dermititis.

....they weren't at all happy when I suggested scratchcards....


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## Pappy

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor. " He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working. " The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway. "


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.            

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. 
 Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?               

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."         

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital 
and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and 
a tummy tuck. 
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!  Since she had so much more time to live, 
she figured she might as well make the most of it.                     

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.     

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,  "I thought you said I had 
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path 
of the ambulance?"           



(You'll love this)      





God replied: "I didn't recognize you."​​


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?A bulletproof one,” he said. 
"I'm Married ." 
​


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## fmdog44

Schizophrenia ain't so bad, it beats dining alone.


----------



## Ken N Tx

The Divorce Judge said "Mr Jones I am going to give your wife $500 a week, what do you feel about that?"
Mr Jones replied " that is very generous of you Judge, and if I get a few bucks, I will chip in too!!"


----------



## Pappy

Young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices " attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price! " The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, ya'll just go and give it a try, why don'cha! " The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shop- keeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky swamp water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too! "


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk,
 "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. 
Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . .
 The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home,
 brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier 
to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing 
in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . 
The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Furryanimal

Four men have been going fishing for many years. 
This year, Ron's girlfriend put her foot down and told him he wasn't going. Bitterly disappointed, he phoned and told the others that he couldn't go.Two days later, the others arrived at the camping site, only to find Ron sitting there with a tent already set up. "Ron, how did you talk your girlfriend into letting you go?" 
"Well, yesterday evening, after my girlfriend finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Grey," she dragged me into the bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am!


----------



## Ken N Tx

As a Senior prank, the high school students released 3 pigs into the school. One their sides where painted the numbers 1,2,4..The janitors are still looking for #3...


----------



## Pappy

A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply couldn't afford any more children. They looked around and found an excellent Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then they found out she was going to have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named them Juan and Amal. The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a very amicable relationships. One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son. She said to her husband, "He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this of our other son, too. "He replied, "But dear, they are twins. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal! "


----------



## fmdog44

We are given toes for one reason only, to run in to furniture legs.


----------



## Lord Elpus

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I


----------



## Pappy

Excuse me officer, said the drunk leaning against the street light, is this my house?
The officer replied, no, this is a street lamp.
But officer, it must be my house....cause there’s a light on upstairs.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Wren




----------



## Sassycakes

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.
“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.
“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.
“Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”​​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

A man visits the local council for a job interview. During his interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."


After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."


Upon hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and says "Sorry to hear that... Okay then. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on starting at 10 am every day."


The man says: "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, I'll come at a normal hour, I want to do my part."
 "You misunderstand." Says the interviewer. "This is a government job, For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."


----------



## Sassycakes

Remove my nighty


Wife:-remove my nighty.
Husband:-OK,


Wife:-remove my panty,
Husband:-OK. 


Wife:-remove my bra,
Husband:-OK.
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
Wife:-Don’t ever wear my cloths again.​​


----------



## Lord Elpus

Duck walks into a bar...

"Got any bread?'

"No"

"Got any bread?

"NO"

Got any bread?"

"NO! NOW GET OUT BEFORE I SHOOT YOU!"

...three days pass...

duck walks into a bar

"Got a shotgun?"

"Eh? No!"

"Great....got any bread?"


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## guyrunningaround

*Thanks fer posting great jokes.


*Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could.
 Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down
 to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.

I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Four Husbands are at the lobby waiting for the nurse to tell them about the babies their wives gave birth to. 
The nurse walks up to the first man and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to twins! 
The man says: That's odd, because I work at a restaurant called 2 cities. 
The nurse walks up to the second man and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to triplets! 
The man says: That's weird because I work at a factory called 3 continents. 
The nurse walks up to the third guy and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to Quadruplets! 
The man says: Thats very odd, because I work at the four seasons hotel! The fourth man starts crying. 
One of the men says: What's wrong? The fourth man responds: I work at 7up.​


----------



## Furryanimal

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said."
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"


----------



## Butterfly

furryanimal said:


> a russian couple was walking down the street in st. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "i think it's raining," he said to his wife.
> "no, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "no, i'm sure it was just rain, he said."
> well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask comrade rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
> as the official approached, the man said, "tell us, comrade rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
> "it's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "i know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "rudolph the red knows rain, dear!"



aaargh!


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.


Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."


My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.


Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.


----------



## Pappy

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD! "Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! "A passenger in Coach piped up, "That's nothing... You should see the back of mine! "


----------



## Furryanimal

Our daughter took the afternoon off from her job at the funeral home to visit her daughter in preschool. When one of the kids asked what she did for a living, my granddaughter answered for her: "She sells underground furniture."


----------



## Sassycakes

Son In Law Joke                                                        
Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire.When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office.“So tell me,” said Sam, sitting the young man down. “What are your plans for the future?”“Well”, said the Groom. “I plan on studying Holy works all of my life.”“And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day?” questioned Sam.“I am sure The Lord will provide.” Answered the young man.“And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?”“The Lord will provide” answered the young man again.“How did it go?” asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking.“It went great” Sam replied. “I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Lord!”​


----------



## Furryanimal

My new years resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I'm gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.
_- Greg Tamblyn_


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? "~~~The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing. "


----------



## Lord Elpus

After YEARS of being scared of my garden fence...


...this morning,I finally got over it...


----------



## Sassycakes

Lord Elpus said:


> After YEARS of being scared of my garden fence...
> 
> 
> ...this morning,I finally got over it...


----------



## Ken N Tx

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.


"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"


Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."


He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"


Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.


She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."


The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:


Are - my - test - results - back?"


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Lord Elpus

How can you tell if a person is vegan?

They'll tell you-usually within _seconds _of saying 'Hello"'


----------



## Pappy

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor! "So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?! "The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train? "


----------



## Sassycakes

Pappy said:


> A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor! "So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?! "The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train? "



:lol1::lol1::lol1:


----------



## Lord Elpus

I went to a drive-through MacDonald's today,for the very first time.

...didn't do too bad,actually. Got sworn at by a cleaner and bumped two tables-but otherwise,ok.


----------



## Pappy

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has
 been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"


The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the
 plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.


As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: "That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.


Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. The man again explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.


As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a
 question of the little old lady: "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"


She answered, "The teeth."


----------



## Lord Elpus

I went to a local kleptomaniacs self-help meeting last night.

...I had to stand,as all the seats had been taken...


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer*








An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
They reply:

“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”
​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

A married couple are driving down the
highway, going 55 mph when the wife looks
over at her husband and tells him she
wants a divorce.​​He says nothing, but speeds up to 60 mph.
Since he is taking the news so well, she
decides to tell him that she has been
having an affair with his best friend,
saying “he’s a better lover than you.”
He speeds up to 70 mph.​​“I want the house as well.”​​75 mph.​​“I’m taking the kids.”
80 mph.​​“I want the bank account, and all the credit cards};
85 mph.​​“You’re taking this so well” she
exclaimsl “Isn”i there anything you want?”​​“I’ve got all I need” he replies.
“What’s that?”

​​“The airbag. “
​


----------



## Lord Elpus

A duck walks into a bar...

"Got any bread?'

''No"

"Got any bread?"

"NO"

"Got any bread?"

"NO! I've got a shotgun behind this bar,so F*CK OFF!"

a week passes...

A duck walks into a bar...

"Got any cartridges?"

"No"

"Good...got any bread?"


----------



## Pappy

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree. " With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall. "


----------



## Sassycakes

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel named Alfred
With two huge camel humps.

He fell in love and married a beautiful
Female camel named Marie, who had one perfect camel hump
And beautiful lips.

As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby boy camel,
Born with no humps.

They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy
They finally decided on......
Are you ready for this


Humpfree !​
​


----------



## Sassycakes

A woman visits her husband in Prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"


​


----------



## mjmay

[FONT=&quot]A wife got so mad at her husband,
she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said "so, you want me to stay?"[/FONT]


----------



## mjmay

[FONT=&quot]Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Saint Peter said, "You may also pass through the pearly gates."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The man replied, "These are Carol's." [/FONT]


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

_

Four catholic ladies are discussing their sons.
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




__The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."_

_The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."_

_The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."_

_The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"_

_She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God_​
​


----------



## Pappy

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? 
Where do they all go? 
Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and
lives an extremely ordered and complex life. Penguins are extremely committed 
to their family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate 
contact with their offspring throughout the remainder of their life. 
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and their social 
circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using only their vestigial wings and beaks, 
until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
After packing the ice back in the hole, the male penguins then gather in a circle 
around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." 
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? 
It's so easy to fool OLD people!
I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!! 
Oh, quit whining; I fell for it, too...


----------



## Geezerette

Why is it still #2? Because it's real hard nosed & the #1 is a real softy.


----------



## Sassycakes

Pappy said:


> Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
> Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
> Where do they all go?
> Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and
> lives an extremely ordered and complex life. Penguins are extremely committed
> to their family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate
> contact with their offspring throughout the remainder of their life.
> If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and their social
> circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using only their vestigial wings and beaks,
> until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
> After packing the ice back in the hole, the male penguins then gather in a circle
> around the fresh grave and sing:
> "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
> "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
> You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
> It's so easy to fool OLD people!
> I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!
> Oh, quit whining; I fell for it, too...


----------



## Sassycakes

​New Technology

A woman is pregnant and goes to the hospital with her husband. Once there, the

doctors tell her about new technology 

that will give some of her pain to the baby's father.She and the husband are up for it,

 and when she starts to give birth, 

20% of the pain is transferred to the husband.He feels nothing, so he figures he might

 as well take as much of his wife's

 pain away as possible.The wife gives birth painlessly, and she and her husband go 

home with their new baby.

And the mailman is passed out on the porch.​


​


----------



## Lord Elpus

...got hit in the back of his head by a flying stork,did he,Sassycakes?....

I realised today just how much this planet hates me.

...I peeled a banana...and it was empty!


----------



## Sassycakes

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”​


----------



## Pappy

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene " that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop " on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible! " I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"


----------



## Don M.

The Pastor started of his Children Sermon with a question...."Who knows what a Resurrection is"?

A young boy stood up and said...."If you have one lasting more than 4 hours, call your doctor immediately".

The Pastor is still laughing.


----------



## Pappy

*Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
      Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
      Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
      Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why did ya' not tell me the dog was Catholic?*


----------



## Furryanimal

What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.





*11*

​Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."


----------



## Sassycakes

A Girls first time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, 
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, 
but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. 
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause 
you as little pain as possible. 
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout 
your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at 
you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but 
you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill 
but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, 
you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, 
with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. 
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

Sassycakes said:


> A Girls first time
> 
> As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
> but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
> He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience,
> but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.
> He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.
> He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.
> His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
> You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause
> you as little pain as possible.
> As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout
> your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at
> you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but
> you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill
> but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
> After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you,
> you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you,
> with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
> You smile and thank your dentist.
> After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.



Whew.....I had to take a cold shower after I read this. k:


----------



## Pappy

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.  She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.


Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
 Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."


About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate.  You don't suppose she took it, do you?"


He said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."  He sat down and wrote:


Dear Mother:
 I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate.  But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.


Love,
 your son.


Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:


Dear Son:
 I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.  But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.


 Love,
 Mom.


----------



## Don M.

An actual Tweet from Chicago.....

I thought my Vasectomy would keep my wife from becoming pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.


----------



## Sassycakes

Don M. said:


> An actual Tweet from Chicago.....
> 
> I thought my Vasectomy would keep my wife from becoming pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Lord Elpus

She said to me "Puggy,I've been a NAUGHTY girl. I should be _punished_!"


....so I loaded Windows 10 onto her laptop...


----------



## Lord Elpus

Y'know,the desire to sing 'The lion sleeps tonight' is only _ever_ a whim away.......

[...I'll get me coat....]


----------



## Lord Elpus

I just got told off,because apparently, my dog chased some woman on a bike.

I told her I don't believe her,because my dog doesn't OWN a bike!


----------



## Lord Elpus

ok...sorry....I'll shut up now....sorry....


----------



## Pappy

First one in the bathtub is the ring leader.

I started out on a shoe string and worked my way up...until I got my face slapped.

If you ain’t the lead sled dog...the scenery never changes.


Enough......:stop1:


----------



## Sassycakes

When my younger brother and his wife celebrated their first anniversary, 
they invited the rest of the family to join them for dinner. The conversation focused on the newlyweds and how they happened to meet. Caught up in the romance of the story, one by one the men related how we had met our wives. Eventually everyone had told his story except for my youngest brother. 
All eyes were on him when he said, "Oh, Cindy and I met in college. 
We were matched up by a computer according to compatibility."
"That's the whole story?" my wife asked incredulously. 
"Oh, no," he replied with a grin. "They've fixed the computer since then."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## fmdog44

A guy gets a ticket to the Super Bowl but it is in the nosebleed section. He spots a seat down near the 50 yard line and rushes down to get it. "Wow what a seat" he says to the elderly man next to him. "It is my wife's seat but she died" the old man replied. "Why would you not ask a friend to come with you today?" asked the man. "They are all at the funeral" said the old man.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

A Question Of Marriage Guidance

Vicky, young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, 'I'm looking for a husband. 
Can you please help me to find a suitable one?' 
The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, 
'What are your requirements, please?' 
'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty, 
knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. 
Willing accompany me the whole day at home 
during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories 
when I need 
companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.' 
The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 
'I understand. You need a television.'


----------



## Sassycakes

My One And Only
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, 
at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?' 
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".' 
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.' 
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. 
This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'


----------



## Furryanimal

*The Tramp's Holiday*

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.

"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.

"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.

Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...

3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...

... and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.

Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...

up and up...

below him the ship grew smaller...

on and on...

past a solitary albatross...

and still higher...

till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...

and on still further...

/ till the ocean grew dim...

and the earth itself...

began to shrink...

past our moon...

and on...

and Mars...

and on...

higher, and higher...

through the asteroid belt...

and on and on towards the diving board...

past the outer planets, until...

on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...

he reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain...

and then...

.' '.
. .
. .
he jumped.
.
.
.
.
:
Slowly at first,
:
but speeding up,
:
:
:
faster, and faster,
:
speeding past Pluto,
:
and the other outer planets,
.
.
.
.
.

.

.

.

.


through the asteroid belt,

past Mars,

and the moon,

faster,

and faster,

faster - ever faster,

and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,

faster, and faster,

past the albatross,

double-back somersault,

and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL.........

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping...

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.

"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...

I'm a just poor tramp...

so you must understand...

I've been through many a hard ship in my life."


----------



## RadishRose

:getit::holymoly:


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
Not All Seniors Are Senile...​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. ~~~When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War... Could you help me? " "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. ~~~The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. ~~~When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me! " he cried, "I'm on a disability pension. "


----------



## Ken N Tx

A Cowboy from Sweetwater , Texas walked into a bank in New York City
and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was
going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to
borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank
officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the
loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Cowboy
produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the Cowboy from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for
a $5,000 loan. 

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it. 

Two weeks later, the
Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn &
Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and
multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the
world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around
Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I
park my car in a private underground garage for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Furryanimal

 [h=1]Six Times[/h]Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, then said, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!" With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
 


----------



## Ken N Tx

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is 4 little animals." The teacher asked, "And what 4 little animals would that be Sugar?" The little girl said, "a mink on my back","a Jaguar in my garage," "a tiger in my bed," "And, a Jackass to pay for it all."


----------



## Ken N Tx

Subject: Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
on the stove,
I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm
married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my 
hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. "Father's date of birth?" she asked. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I have a daughter who turned two a couple days before the same date." 
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."

​​
​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look so much like my late son." 

He answered, "That's okay." 

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." 

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." 

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. 

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. 

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!" 

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

​


----------



## Sassycakes

OOPs.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

A wife asks her Husband if he had ever seen a twenty dollars  all crumpled up.
"No" said her husband. 
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse 
and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and 
pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. 
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, 
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled 
out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" 
"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied: 
"Go look in the garage."


----------



## Sassycakes

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. 
The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. 
As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, 
and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. 
The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. 
But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling 
that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. 
It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. 
Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that 
right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something 
inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the 
note and opened it. The note said *
“HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. 

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. 
We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish man says, “Well last week my wife and I had sex too. 
I rubbed her body all over with chicken 
schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 25 minutes.

The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. 
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 6 hours at the end.
The Jewishman and Frenchman were stunned.
They replied, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?”
 The Italian man answered

“I wiped my hands on the drapes.”


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Pappy said:


> View attachment 62053


----------



## Sassycakes

Sorry, but I need to vent....
Yesterday I experienced the WORST customer service at a store here in town. I don’t want to mention the name of 
the store because I’m not in the habit of publicly trashing people or businesses; even if they DO deserve it.
Two days ago I bought something from this store & I paid cash for it. 
I took it home and found out it didn’t work. So yesterday, less than 24 hours later I took it 
back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me “NO”, even 
though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a FREE replacement instead but again she said “NO”. 
Then I asked to see the manager and he said "Sorry but we can't give you your money back."


That is the last time I'll buy a Lottery ticket from that store again !
​


----------



## Sassycakes

Husband and wife –* BEFORE MARRIAGE:
*

 Husband – Aaah! …At last! I can hardly wait!
 Wife – Do you want me to leave?
 Husband – No! Don’t even think about it.
 Wife – Do you love me?
 Husband – Of course! Always have and always will!
 Wife – Have you ever cheated on me?
 Husband – No! Why are you even asking?
 Wife – Will you kiss me?
 Husband – Every chance I get!
 Wife – Will you hit me?
 Husband – Hell no! Are you crazy?!
 Wife – Can I trust you?
 Husband – Yes.
 Wife – Darling!


*Now Read the above conversation BACKWARDS to know what happens After Marriage !!!!*


----------



## Ken N Tx

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. 

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. 

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. 


Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator. 


Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter. 


Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized 


Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. 


Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there? 


Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.


----------



## Ken N Tx

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever 
done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked."Well, I can think of 
one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in 
South Dakota, I came upon a gang of 
high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed 
them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the 
largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked 
his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I 
yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer 
to me!" 

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" 

"Just a couple minutes ago."


----------



## Pappy

After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR. "The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here! "


----------



## Sassycakes

Pappy said:


> After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR. "The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here! "


----------



## Sassycakes

Three Ladies In A Sauna
 ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
 THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND 
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. THAT WAS MY PAGER, SHE SAID.
 I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM. A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM 
TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE.
 I HAVE A MICR OCHIP IN MY HAND.
 THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW - TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO 
SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT 
TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING 
FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID .... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!'
​


----------



## RadishRose

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


----------



## Sassycakes

RadishRose said:


> Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
> 
> A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
> 
> Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
> 
> A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
> 
> A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx

*Grandma and Grandpa were visiting 
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of ****** in 
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked 
about using one of the pills. 

The son said, "I don't think you should 
take one Dad; they're very strong 
and very expensive." 

"How much?" asked Grandpa. 

"$10. a pill," Answered the son. 

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to 
try one, and before we leave in the 
morning, I'll put the money 
under the pillow." 

Later the next morning, the son found 
$110 under the pillow. He called 
**Grandpa and said, "I told** 
you each pill was 
$10, not $110. 

"I know," said Grandpa. "The 
hundred is from 
Grandma!" 
*​


*


Reply 


Reply With Quote 

​    
*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## RadishRose

O.m.g.


----------



## Sassycakes

Pappy said:


> View attachment 62569




Pappy you make me smile everyday.


----------



## Sassycakes

A teenage boy seemed placid as the doctor approached his hospital bed... to give him an evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, watching every move. 
The doctor walked over and introduced himself to the boy.
The boy looked right through the doctor and started screaming, "I can't see! 
I can't see!"
The doctor had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness in his entire career! 
He turned to the mother and asked, "My goodness, how long has this been going on?"
Without hesitation she replied, "Ever since you stepped between him and the television set."


----------



## Ken N Tx

Monday humor,,, 


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine 
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. 
Perplexed, he ordered his driver to stop & he got out
to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man 
replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, you come with me to my house and I'll feed 
you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They 
are over there eating grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second  poor man he stated, "You may 
come with us also."

The other man pitifully said, "I also have a wife and six 
children with me!

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer replied.

They all climbed into the limo, no easy task even for a 
sizable limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the 
lawyer and said, “You are too kind, thanks for taking 
all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "You'll really love my place, the 
grass is almost a foot tall."


----------



## Sassycakes

Vicky, a young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, 'I'm looking for a husband. 
 Can you please help me to find a suitable one?' 
The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, 
'What are your requirements, please?' 
'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty, 
knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing.  Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out.  Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.' 





The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I understand. You need a television.


----------



## Sassycakes

'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George complains to his mate, Tony.
'Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily.
'But what if my wife finds out?' frowns George.
'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.'
So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will bring us closer together.'
'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.


----------



## Seeker

I WOKE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (AS I OFTEN DO). 
I noticed a strange individual who looked like a burglar with a knife in his hand, sneaking through my next door neighbor’s back garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave in the veggie patch and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said.
”What?” she said.
"THAT B*STARD NEXT DOOR HAS STILL GOT MY SHOVEL"


----------



## Pappy

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S ". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'? "The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving. "Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go! "


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.



As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled



out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart.  It's Sue. I'm on the train".  Yes, I know it's the six thirty and 
not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.  No, honey, not with that Kevin 
from the accounting office.  It was with the boss.  No sweetheart, you're the only 
one in my life.  Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"  Fifteen minutes later, she was 
still talking loudly.   When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned 
over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.


----------



## Ken N Tx

Joe and Tom were out walking home from work one 
afternoon. 

"****," Joe said, "as soon as I get 
home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!" 

"What's the rush?" Tom asked.

Joe replied "The **** elastic in the legs is killing me!"


----------



## Nihil

Pappy said:


> There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S ". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'? "The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving. "Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go! "



This is one of my favorite movie scenes.


----------



## Nihil

It's such a famous joke, one only needs to tell the punchline.

"No, the potato goes in the front."


----------



## Sassycakes

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. 
So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. 
Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, 
I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. 
Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. 
The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. 
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”


----------



## Sassycakes

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
   Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
 The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.   
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"​


----------



## Ken N Tx

_​_The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came 
running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! 
I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly 
but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started 
jumping up and down along with her. She said, 
'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.' 

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from 
all the jumping up and down, told me that she was 
pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so 
I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier 
for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more' I asked, What do 
you mean there's more. She said, 'Well, we are 
not having just one baby.. We are going to 
have TWINS! ' Amazed at how she could know so 
soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she 
knew. She said 'Well, that was the easy part. 
I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home 
pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came 
out positive!


----------



## Ken N Tx

LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"He slams the door and returns to bed. 

"Who was that?" asked his wife. 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. 

"Did you help him?" she asks. 

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" 

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. 

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" 

"Yes," comes back the answer. 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.. 

"Where are you?" asks the husband. 

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.


----------



## Sassycakes

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. 
The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. 
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! 
I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. 
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation 
to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. 
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. 
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9.”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “U’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 
“Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”
The principal and Harry both agree. 
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief. 
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” 
Harry: “Pants.”
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a 
great deal of heat and excitement?”
Harry:“Firetruck.”
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; 
I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”


----------



## Furryanimal

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.


----------



## Sassycakes

OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. 
She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying 
a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. 
To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot 
of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, 
but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a
 little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. 
Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.

The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle 
of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.

The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. 
He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. 
When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. 
Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, 
to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her,
 "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond,
 but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"​

​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as lovers. 
The first woman says, “My husband works as a marriage counselor. 
He always buys me flowers 
and candy before we make love. I like that.”
The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps
 me around sometimes. I kind of like that.”
The third woman just shakes her head and says
“My husband is a sales man. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great 
it’s going to be when I get it!”


----------



## Pappy

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.


A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.


It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.


She let out a very loud scream.


The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.


He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.


His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.


The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.


About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.


The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.


But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.


The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.


The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.


The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.


By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...


They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!


The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.


Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.


The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.


Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).


Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.


A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.


And that's when he shot her.


----------



## Ken N Tx

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine 
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. 
Perplexed, he ordered his driver to stop & he got out
to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man 
replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, you come with me to my house and I'll feed 
you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They 
are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may 
come with us also."
The other man pitifully said, "I also have a wife and six 
children with me!
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer replied.
They all climbed into the limo, no easy task even for a 
sizable limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the 
lawyer and said, “You are too kind, thanks for taking 
all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "You'll really love my place, the 
grass is almost a foot tall."


----------



## Nihil

Ken N Tx said:


> Joe and Tom were out walking home from work one
> afternoon.
> 
> "****," Joe said, "as soon as I get
> home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"
> 
> "What's the rush?" Tom asked.
> 
> Joe replied "The **** elastic in the legs is killing me!"



My GF and I are still laughing at this.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.

 "Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is."

 "Why not?" demanded Jenny.

 "Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up."

 Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

 "Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people."

 "Why not?" demanded Jenny.

 "Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."

 "Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?"

 "Darling," her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."

 The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."

 So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"

 Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 135 pounds." "Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?"

 Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"    
 


​*

​*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

*A man tells apriest:** "Father, I want to make a confession.During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."*
*
Priest:** "Bless you, my son. That's not a sin; don’t you realize you savedhis life?”*
*
Man:** "ButI charged him rent."*
*
Priest:** "Well, that wasn't very nice, but you still helped your fellowman."*
*
Man:  ** "Father, do I have to tell him the war isover?"*


----------



## win231

*A lawyer parkshis BMW & opens the door when a car comes along, hits the door & ripsit off its hinges.

A policeman arrives & finds the lawyer really angry, screaming about the damage to his precious car. The cop says: "Youlawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick. You're so worried about yourprecious car, you didn't even notice that your left arm was tornoff."  *
*
The lawyerlooks down at the bloody stump where his arm was & says: "Oh, myGod….where's my Rolex?" *


----------



## win231

*Threerough-looking bikers walk into a diner where an old man is having breakfast.
One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes.
Thesecond biker spits into his coffee.
Thethird biker dumps his whole plate on the floor.
Without saying a word, the old guy pays his bill & leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?” says one bikerto the waitress.
“Not much of a driver,either,” says the waitress. “He justbacked his truck over three motorcycles.”*


----------



## Don M.

When I was young, I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to get into medical school.  One of the questions required rearranging the letters "PNEIS" into the name of an important body part that is most useful when erect.

Those who entered "SPINE" are doctors today....the rest of us are swapping jokes on the Internet.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman is waiting for a bus.  She's wearing a tight mini skirt.

The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to make the step but she still couldn't.  Again, she reached back & unzipped her dress a little more & again, was unable to make the step.

A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.  She turned around & slapped him across the face.
_
"How dare you touch my body!" _she yelled_.  "I don't even know who you are!"
_
The man smiled & said, "Well ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."


----------



## win231

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist.  The waiting room was filled with patients.  As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo Wrestler.  He gave her his name.

In a loud voice, the receptionist said, _"Yes, I have your name here.  You're here to see the doctor about impotence, right?"

_All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.

In an equally-loud voice, he replied, "NO. I'M HERE TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE SURGERY.  BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"


----------



## Lord Elpus

I was busily sorting goods for delivery in the warehouse,whizzing to-and-fro on the forktruck,wrapping the more fragile stuff,ensuring the boxes were securely taped,etc.
Once all the loads were ready for delivery,I asked the boss where he wanted the roll of bubble-wrap and he said to pop it in his office.
Took just over three hours-but I managed to burst every single bubble!


----------



## win231

A man went to the police station to report that his wife was missing.
Husband:   "My wife is missing.  She went shopping yesterday & hasn't come home."

Officer:   "What is her height?"

Husband:   "Gee, I'm not sure.  Maybe a little over 5 feet tall."

Officer:   "Weight?"

Husband:   "Don't know.  Not slim; not really fat."

Officer:   "Color of eyes?"

Husband:  "Never really noticed."

Officer:   "Color of hair?"

Husband:   "Changes a couple of times a year.  Maybe Brown."

Officer:   "What was she wearing?"

Husband:  "Could have been shorts.  Maybe a skirt.  I don't remember exactly."

Officer:  "What kind of car did she leave in?"

Husband:  "She left in my truck."

Officer:  "What kind of truck was it?"

Husband:  "Brand new Ford F-150 King Ranch 4X4 with Ecoboost 5.0 Liter V8 with special-order manual transmission.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed.  Custom leather seats & floor mats.  Trailer Package with Gold Hitch.  DVD with Navigation.  21-channel CB radio, six cup holders & 4 power outlets.  Custom wheels with Off-Road Michelin Tires.  Wife put a small scratch on the door."  At this point, the husband started choking up.

Officer:  "Don't worry, buddy.  We'll find your truck."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

A drunk walks into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, walks over to her & kisses her.

She jumps up & slaps him across the face.

"I'm sorry," he says.  I thought you were my wife.  You look just like her."

"Get away from me, you drunken slob," she yells.

"Wow!" he says.  "You even sound like her."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.  The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
 "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

 "They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he replies.

 "Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. They continue shopping....

 A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband says, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."


----------



## win231

A group of tourists were about to go on a hike.  The Park Ranger was warning them about the dangers posed by Grizzly Bears.

 He said, "Problems can occur when people unexpectedly stumble across bears. We advise hikers to wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn bears of their presence.  And always be alert when 
you know bears are in the area, especially if you see bear droppings."

 One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"

 "Easy," replied the ranger.  "They're the ones with the tiny bells in them."


----------



## win231

Grandpa & Grandma were visiting their kids overnight.  Grandpa found a bottle of ****** in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked his son about trying one pill.

 The son said, "I don't think that's a good idea, Grandpa...they're very strong & very expensive....they cost $10.00 per pill."

"I don't care," says Grandpa. "I'd still like to try one. Before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa & said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The other $100.00 is from Grandma."


----------



## win231

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.  I can't stand to see a man crying."

 "This is the worst day of my life," I say.  "I'm a complete failure.   I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.   When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't 
have any insurance.   I left my wallet in the cab I took home.   I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me.   So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.   I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!  But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?"


----------



## win231

A guy is watching a football game on TV & he doesn’t like to be bothered.  His wife tries to do the laundry but the washer isn’t working.  She tells her husband “Honey, the washer is not working.”
He says, “Do I look like the Maytag  Man?”

She calls a repairman.  After the repairman fixes the washer, the wife wants to go shopping but the car won’t start.

 She says to her husband, “Honey, the car won’t start.”

He says, “Do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?”

She tries to call a mechanic, but there is no dial tone on the phone.

She says, “Honey, the phone is dead.”

He says: “Do I look like AT&T?”

She calls a tow truck from the neighbor’s phone.  The wife is gone for several hours & by the time she returns home with the car, the football game is over.  Her husband says “Did you get the car fixed?”
The wife says, “Yes, but after the mechanic fixed it, I realized I forgot my purse so I couldn’t pay him.  Instead of money, he said I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him.”

The husband says, “Did he like the cake?”

The wife says, “Do I look like Betty Crocker?”


----------



## win231

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London.  One took a window seat & the other sat next to him in the middle seat.  Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.
 After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes & was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up & get a coke."

 "Don't get up," said the American. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."

 As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe & spat in it several times. When the American returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd like a 
coke too."

Again, the American obligingly went to get it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up his other shoe & spat in it several times.

 When the American returned, they all sat back & enjoyed the flight.  As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?"  he asked.

"How long must this go on - this fighting between our nations?

 This hatred?

This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"


----------



## win231

The Best Divorce Letter ever!

 My Dear husband: 
 I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. 
 I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it and the last 2 weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw. Last week, you came home &  you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.  You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching TV.   You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.  Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.  Whatever the case, I'm gone. 
 Your Ex-Wife.
P.S. - Don't try to find me. Your brother & I are moving to 
 New Zealand together! Have a great life!

REPLY: 
 Dear Ex-wife:  Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. 
 I watch TV so much because it drowns out your constant whining & bitching.   I DID notice when you got your hair done last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy.  Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.....and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have confused me  with my brother because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.  About the new nightie:  I turned away from you because the $300.00 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed  $300.00 from me that morning.  After all this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone.  Everything happens for a reason, I guess.  I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care. 
 Signed, Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free! 
 P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.  I hope that's not a problem.


----------



## win231

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.  She noticed that the man sitting across from her was staring & smiling at her.

 She moved to another seat.

The same man smiled at her even more, so she moved again.

 Now the man started chuckling.  She moved to another seat.   Then the man burst out laughing.

 After she moved for the 4th time, she complained to the driver & he called the police & they arrested the man for harassment.

When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, she sat down under a sign that said, "The Doublemint Twins are Coming," so I smiled.

Then she moved & sat under a sign that said, "Try Logan's Liniment To Reduce Swelling," & I had to smile.

Then she moved again & sat under a sign for a deodorant ad that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick," & I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time & sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident," I just lost it."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

( A ) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
( B ) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 12 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
( C ) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Furryanimal

*Dirty Birds

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## win231

A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband  was not in their bed. She gets up to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in  deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his  eye & takes a sip of his coffee.

What's the matter, dear?" she asks.

The husband says, "I was just thinking about when we  first met 20 years ago & started dating. You were only 16. Do youremember?"

The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring &  sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied.

The husband asks, "Do you remember when your father  caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved  the shotgun in my face & said, "Either you marry my daughter or I'll  send you to prison for 20 years?"

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek & says, "I  would have gotten out today."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, 
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"


----------



## Sassycakes

Pappy said:


> Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
> Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
> Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
> So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
> "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
> Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
> "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
> So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
> Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
> Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
> "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
> To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"



:lol1::lol1::lol1:


----------



## win231

An  accused murderer’s defense attorney was questioning a pathologist who performed  the autopsy on his client’s victim.
Lawyer:  “Doctor, Before performing the autopsy, did  you check the victim for a pulse?”
Pathologist:  “No.”
Lawyer:  “Did you check the victim’s respiration?”
Pathologist:  “No.”
Lawyer:  “Did you check the victim’s blood pressure?”
Pathologist:  “No.”
Lawyer:  “So, doctor, you never really established  that the victim was dead, did you?”
Pathologist:   “Well, his brain was in a jar next to the  table, but I suppose he could still be out there practicing law.”


----------



## win231

A woman rubbed a lamp & a genie came out.  "Do I get three wishes?" she asked.

"No," says the genie.  "I'm a one-wish genie. What'll it be?"

The woman says: "See this map?  I want these  countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace."

The genie says: "They've been at war for years.   I'm not _that  _good.   Pick something else."

The woman says: "Well, I'd like to find a good man.  One who's considerate, loves kids, helps with the housework &  doesn't watch sports all day."

"Okay," the genie says with a sigh.  "Let me see that map again."


----------



## Ken N Tx

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of fun that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”

​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

A neighbor comes to Mr Myer and says, “Your dog bit my mother in law!” Mr Myer is horrified and apologizes, adding sadly, 
“You’ll probably be wanting financial recompense, won’t you?”“Absolutely not!” smiles the neighbor, But
“I’d love to buy the  dog.
----------------------------------------------

Who doesn't love waking up, looking at the person sleeping next to you and starting 
the day with a long, loving kiss? Apparently the airline had a 
 different take on these things.
______________________________________________________



The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am. - “What are you doing out so late, sir?” 
asks the police officer.-“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man. - 
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
The man sighs, “my wife.”


----------



## Ken N Tx

[FONT=&quot]A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13... 13... 13... 13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14... 14... 14... 14.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

A man boarded an airplane & took his seat.  As he settled in, he glanced up & saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding.  He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.  Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.  Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled & said, "Business.  The annual sex education convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard.  Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for sex education!  Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded.  "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really!" he said.  "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian  who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.  We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable & blushed.  "I'm sorry," she said.  "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you.  I don't even know your name."

"Tonto Goldstein," he replied.  "But my friends call me Bubba."


----------



## Sassycakes

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. 
Fearful that she might not be able to paint anymore, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. 
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so 
thankful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work 
included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. 
When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to showcase her works of art in the doctor's 
office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 
"What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on
the wall?" 

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a urologist.'"


----------



## Furryanimal

Chinese conjuror in the middle of his act, and there's a power failure, so asks everyone to raise their arms.

lighting is restored "How did you do that?"
"Old English saying, many hands make light work"


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

An attorney  arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for  his client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.   His last-minute plea for clemency to the  Governor had failed & he was feeling worn out & depressed.   As soon as he  arrived home, his wife started yelling at him: 
 _"It's midnight....What have you been doing all night?   Where the hell have you been?   Dinner is cold & I'm not reheating it!"_

Too tired to argue with her, he poured himself a drink & went to take a  shower.   His wife followed him to the  bathroom, continuing to yell at him.  While  he was in the shower, the phone rang.  It  was her husband's office & she was given a message for her husband - that  his client, James Wright would not be hanged tonight.   Finally realizing what a terrible day her  husband must have had, she decided to go into the bathroom to give him the good  news.  When she opened the bathroom door,  her husband had just stepped out of the shower & was drying himself  off.
 
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around & screamed, _*"Dammit woman....don't you ever stop?"*_


----------



## win231

A  redneck family is visiting a big city for the first time.  The father and son are in the hotel lobby  when they spot an elevator.

"What's  that, Paw?" the boy asked.

"I  ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life," replied the father.

Seconds  later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator.  She presses the button with her cane, waits  for the doors to open and gets in.

The  father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

They  hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.

The  father looks at his son and says, "Go get your Ma!"


----------



## Pappy

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.


He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.


The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.


As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.


After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.


He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."


----------



## Sassycakes

Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. 
But it wasn’t until I got home that I read the label. 
"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. 
"I can’t believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing wild in the yard!" 
"See?" he said. "You’re smarter already."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 
A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and he finds, there is an additional member
 of the family, a 29 months toddler. Furious he demands an explanation: 
He says, how could you have done this to me! Did you cheat on me with one of my friends, 
was it Josh, was it Nathan, or was it John? 
His wife with a daring look says, your friends! Your friends! Don’t you think I have my own friends too?


----------



## Sassycakes

Mick was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge ,so he sent Mary to the Hardware Store .Then in
the Hardware Store Mary saw a beautiful Teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe to finish 
serving a customer.When Joe was finished,Mary Asked,” How much for the Teapot?”. Joe Replied
That’s Silver and it costs £100 !”. “ My goodness,that’s a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Mick had sent her to buy and Joe went to 
backroom to find a hinge .From The backroom Joe yelled ,” Mary,you wanna screw for that hinge ?”. 
To which Mary replied,” No ,But I Will For That   “ TEAPOT”.​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

The Tearful Bride... A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him. "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding. "No, mother," you don't understand. "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price! "Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate! " says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars. "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket. "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for? "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska! "


----------



## win231

A woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents.
After dinner, the father takes him into the study to chat with him.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"Well, that's admirable," said the father.  "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study, and God will provide for us," he replied.

"And, how will you buy her a nice engagement ring that she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies, and God will provide," he says.

"And children?  How will you support children," asks the father.

"Don't worry, sir.  God will provide," he says.

Later, the mother asked the husband, "Well, is he a nice guy?"

The husband says, "Well, he's a Democrat, he has no job, no plans & he thinks I'm God."


----------



## Furryanimal

[h=2]Instruction About Church[/h]A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,_ "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"_
Annie replied,_ "Because people are sleeping."_


----------



## Furryanimal

[h=1]Polish Hunters[/h]Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home


----------



## win231

My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one  big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. OK, it was  a pizza.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

Remember Rodney Dangerfield?

I  still get no respect.  Yesterday, I  showed up at my girlfriend's house with six condoms; she took four of them  & left.

My  girlfriend called me & said, “Come on over; nobody’s home.” When I got  there, nobody was home.

I  was an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, cats covered me up.

My  mother had morning sickness..._after_ I was born.

My  parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster & a radio.

WhenI was five, I was kidnapped. To prove they really had me, the kidnappers sent  my parents a piece of my finger. My parents asked for more proof.

Once  when I was lost, I asked a policeman to help me find my parents.  I asked him, “Do you  think  we’ll ever find them?”  He said, “I don’t know, kid. There’s so many places they  can hide.”

I  went to see my doctor. I said, “Doctor, every time I look in the mirror, I feel  like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

I  called the doctor & told him I swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills.  He told me to have a few drinks & get some rest.

I  tell ya, I don't get any respect.  The  other day my wife said she wants to have sex in the back  seat of our car. She wants me to drive.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ruthanne




----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Dakota. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor  and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and I'm  going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over  here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New  York and  if you don't let me get that  duck,  I'll sue you and take everything  you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle  disputes around here.  We settle small  disagreements like this with 'The Kick.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is 'The Kick?'"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occured on my land,  I get to go first.  I kick you and then you kick me and so on until  someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about it & decided that he could easily take  the old codger, so he agreed.  The old farmer  slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.  He was wearing heavy, steel-toed workboots.  He kicked the attorney in the  groin, dropping him to his knees, causing him to vomit, and fall face first  into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very  slowly managed to get to his feet.  Wiping  his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now  it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the  duck."


----------



## win231

A wife says to her husband, "Are you hungry for breakfast?"

"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."

A few hours later, she asks, "Do you want to have lunch now?"

"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."

Five hours later, she asks, "Well, how about dinner?"

"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."

She says, "Get the hell off me....I'm starving."


----------



## Sassycakes

win231 said:


> A wife says to herhusband, "Are you hungry for breakfast?"
> 
> "No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
> 
> A few hours later, she asks, "Do you want to have lunch now?"
> 
> "No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
> 
> Five hours later, she asks, "Well, how about dinner?"
> 
> "No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
> 
> She says, "Get the hell off me....I'm starving."



:lol1:


----------



## win231

So.....a guy walks up to the pharmacy counter & asks, "Do you have ******?"

"Yes," says the pharmacist.

"Does it work?" asks the guy.

"Yes," says the pharmacist.

"Can I get it over the counter?" asks the guy.

The pharmacist says, "Well, maybe....if you take two."


----------



## Sassycakes

Joe pilled up a stool in his favorite bar and announced, 
“My wife, Lorry, must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” The bartender asked.
“Last week, Joe explained, “I had to take a couple of day's off from work. 
Lorry was so happy to have me around that every time the milkman 
and the mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway, 
waving her arms and hollering, “My old man’s home! My old man’s home!”


----------



## win231

A man asked his wife to pack for him for a weekend  fishing trip. She gladly obliged with clothes, toiletries, all the fishing gear  he asked for - rods, reels, tackle box.

At the last moment, he said, "Please pack my new silk pajamas, would you?"

This made her somewhat suspicious but she did as he asked.

When he returned, looking very refreshed,  she asked if he caught a lot of fish.

"Oh, yes," he said.   "Three walleyes, four or five bass, it was  great......but, you know.....you forgot to pack my new silk pajamas."

"No I didn't," she said. "They're in your tackle box."


----------



## win231

Once upon a time, a powerful  Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three men applied for the  job: a Japanese, a Chinese & a Jewish samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!"  commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai steps forward, opens a tiny box releasing a fly, draws his  samurai sword, & _Swoosh_....the fly falls to the floor, neatly  divided into two pieces.

"Wow, what an impressive feat of skill," says the Emperor. "OK,  Number two, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai opens a tiny box, releasing a fly, draws his samurai sword,& _Swoosh, Swoosh......_ the fly falls to the floor neatly divided into  four pieces.

"That's what I call tremendous skill," says the Emperor.  "Number  three, how in the world are you going to top that?"

The Jewish samurai opens a tiny box, releasing a fly, draws his samurai sword, & _Swoosh....._BUT the fly is still buzzing around.

In disappointment, the Emperor says, "What kind of skill is that? The fly  isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmed," replies the Jewish samurai.  "Dead is easy. _I circumcised him_."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, who is deaf, has cheated  him out of $10,000,000.00.

When the  Godfather confronts Guido about the missing $10 million, he brings his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather  tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him.”

Guido is scared and signs back, "OK.  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer says, "He said you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Blonde Buckaroo

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. 
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. 
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. 
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try 
and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled 
in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves 
as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is 
battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness




when to her great fortune.. .the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse..


----------



## Sassycakes

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard 
when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through 
his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell 
three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, 
he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying 
on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban 
sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" 
The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from 
that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" 
The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get 
two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized 
what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever.
" The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, 
but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife 
who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life.
" The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up 
in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. 
I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" 
The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" 
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. 
Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, 
I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for 
the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie 
asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five."

The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"


----------



## Pappy

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you please around here? " Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,.... "My lawyer. "


----------



## Sassycakes

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother 
and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to 
another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with 
profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? 
Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, 
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, 
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. 
For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" 
The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, 
"My wife's first husband."


----------



## win231

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

At his next appointment, the doctor said, "So, Morris, you're really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful," Morris replied.

To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris.  I said, "You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!"


----------



## Ken N Tx

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport , President Trump
strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where
they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white
horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the
thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth
shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is so atrocious
that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their
noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but, the two Heads of State do their best
to ignore the incident. The Queen politely turns to President Trump and
says: "Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets...I am sure you
understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded: "Your Majesty,
do not give the matter another thought...Until you mentioned it, I thought
it was one of the horses.”


----------



## Pappy

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, One was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. ~~~First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause. Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked "Has anyone got a frigging match? "


----------



## Sassycakes

A jealous wife suspected her husband of being unfaithful ,
so when they were both invited to a fancy- dress party she feigned 
a headache and told him to go on his own .So he went in his spacesuit 
costume and an hour later she followed on in her own masked outfit .
When she got there she spied her husband chatting up every female 
at the party,so after a while she propositioned him herself to see 
what the response would be.Lo and behold ,he had her outside quicker 
than you could say Jack Robinson and screwed her against the tree.
Not long after she left and the next morning at breakfast was 
ready to confront him with his supposed unfaithfulness.
” How was the party?”.she asked .” Not really my scene “, he replied 
“ I Went Up To The Den To Play Poker With The Boy’s 
And Lent My Costume To “ FREDDIE PARKER”.


----------



## Sassycakes

My sister Tina was telling her husband Ken, 
about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. 
The show gave a national award to heroic people who 
put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they 
hardly knew. Ken replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”

__________________________________________________________


I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. 
“This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” 
the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … 
“Heck,” he continued, “you have a better 
chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”


----------



## win231

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a  busy boulevard.  Suddenly, the light turned yellow,  just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have  beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as  she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into  the face of a very serious police officer.  The officer ordered her to exit her  car with her hands up.   He took her to the police station where she was  searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.   She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was  waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.   You see, I pulled up behind  your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of  you, and cussing a blue streak at him.  "I noticed the 'Choose Life'  license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me  to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem  on the trunk.   Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.  She noticed that the man sitting across from her was staring & smiling at her.

She moved to another seat.

The same man smiled at her even more, so she moved again.

Now the man started chuckling.   She moved to another seat.  Then the man burst out laughing.

After she moved for the 4th time, she complained to the driver & he called the police & they arrested the man for harassment.

When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, she sat down under a sign that said, _"The Doublemint Twins are Coming,"_ so I smiled.

Then she moved & sat under a sign that said, _"Try Logan's Liniment To Reduce Swelling,"_ & I had to smile.

Then she moved again & sat under a sign for a deodorant ad that said, _"William's Big Stick Did The Trick,"_  & I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time & sat under a sign that said, _"Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident,"........_I just lost it."


----------



## Pappy

The Arkansas D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. 


The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.


The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. 


The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.


They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"


----------



## Sassycakes

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint 
the seat on our toilet. 
Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. 
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before 
she returned. 
She came in and undressed to take a shower. 
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she 
tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy 
paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. 
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the 
hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study 
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, 
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."


----------



## Sassycakes

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says, "Get gas and free sex here".

So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.

"Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier
.
"Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied.

"Nope! Sorry play again".

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked: "This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex!"

He screamed.

"Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!"​​


----------



## Pappy

WHAT MARRIED MAN THINKS 


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.


She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.


She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him. 


He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.


She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...


'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.


The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.


The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.


The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.


'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'


'I remember that too' she replies softly.


He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...


"I would have been released today..!!!"
&#55357;&#56834;&#55357;&#56834;&#55357;&#56834;
&#55357;&#56861;&#55357;&#56861;&#55357;&#56834;&#55357;&#56834;&#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56833;


----------



## Ken N Tx

[FONT=&quot]A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to  the stranger "What would you like to discuss?""Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?""OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?""Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea.

""Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]


----------



## win231




----------



## Pappy

date:
Do you know the history of today's date? 
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.


This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.


The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.


The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.


----------



## win231

Pappy said:


> date:
> Do you know the history of today's date?
> Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
> 
> 
> This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
> 
> 
> The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
> 
> 
> The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.



Interesting trivia:  Here in CA, Hellman's is called "Best Foods."  A cooking show reviewed it & the chef said "Best Foods Mayonnaise is known as Hellman's, east of the Rockies."  I looked closely at the bottle & it says that.


----------



## Sassycakes

Brunette Smarts

A brunette who can't stand blondes is walking in the forest when all of a sudden she sees a magic lamp on the ground. Thinking to herself,
"It always works in the movies," and so proceeds to pick up and rub the lamp. A genie immediately emerges from the spout and says,"I will grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, all the blondes in the world will receive double the amount you receive. 
Do you understand?" "Yes I understand," says the brunette, "and for my first wish, I want you to give my an incredibly handsome man." 
"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 incredibly handsome men?" 
asks the genie. The brunette replies yes and so an incredibly handsome man pops up beside her. 
"For my second wish," says the pleased brunette, "I want you to give me 1 million dollars." 
"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 million dollars?" said the genie. 
The brunette replies yes and a large pile of money pops up on her other side. 
Growing even more excited the brunette says calmly, "Lastly - you see that stick over there? 
I want you to beat me half to death with it."


----------



## Pappy

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"


THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."


A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.


THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.


THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.


THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.


THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"


THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.


THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:


1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## win231

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet.  When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

"I'd love a cold beer right now," he told the genie.

Poof.   A cold beer appeared.

Then the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."

Poof.   He was on an island with gorgeous women swarming all over him.

The man said, "Oh, man, this is the life. I wish I never had to work again."

Poof. He was back at his desk in his government office.


----------



## win231

An accused murderer’s defense attorney was questioning a pathologist who performed the autopsy on his client’s victim.

Lawyer:  “Doctor, Before performing the autopsy, did you check the victim for a pulse?”

Pathologist:  “No.”

Lawyer:  “Did you check the victim’s respiration?”

Pathologist:  “No.”

Lawyer:  “Did you check the victim’s blood pressure?”

Pathologist:  “No.”

Lawyer:  “So, doctor, you never really established that the victim was dead, did you?”

Pathologist:   “Well, his brain was in a jar next to the table, but I suppose he could still be out there practicing law.”


----------



## win231

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London.   One took a window seat & the other sat next to him in the middle seat.  Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes & was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up & get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the American. "I'm in the aisle seat.  I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe & spat in it several times.  When the American returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd like a coke too."

Again, the American obligingly went to get it.   While he was gone, the other Arab picked up his other shoe & spat in it several times.

When the American returned, they all sat back & enjoyed the flight.   As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.

"How long must this go on - this fighting between our nations?

 This hatred?

 This animosity?

 This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"


----------



## Pappy

THIS IS A MUST READ.......BRILLIANT &#55358;&#56611;&#55358;&#56611;&#55358;&#56611;&#55358;&#56611;&#55358;&#56611;


Weight Loss Program. 
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.


The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..


She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."


Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".


Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.


Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.


"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."


The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."


He lost 33 lbs that week.


----------



## Sassycakes

Kids are Smart

 The Principal of an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on ****** morality.
“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, she said, ​​“ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?” 
A girl in the back of the class rises her hand and says, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”​​**************************************************  ***********************************

​A teacher in a kindergarten school was asking the little kids to tell her the uses of light.
Bernard said: We use it to see in the evening when the sun sets.
Gerard said: It is useful so that we can read in the evening.
Luc said: We need it for TV and radio etc.​​When all kids said what they thought; little timid Isabelle raised her hand.
- Yes, Isabelle, what else we use the light for?
- We eat it. Said Isabelle
- What do you mean, honey?
- I don't know. But I heard my mother saying to my father last night:
"Switch the light off and put it in my mouth.”
**************************************************  **********

​“Why don’t you smile?” the teacher asked little Peter. “I didn’t have any breakfast,”
 little Peter replied. “You poor dear,” said the teacher. “But to return to our 
geography lesson, little Peter: Where is the Canadian border?” “in bed with Mom – 
that’s why I didn’t have breakfast!”​

**************************************************  *********************
​​An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. 
The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these 
are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.
Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"
Officer says "yes". 
Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

I called the Psychic Hotline Network for a reading.

The lady said, "I see a really big phone bill in your future."


----------



## Furryanimal

5​*This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.​*​​​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Furryanimal

Hot Grandpa

Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher.

Teacher: "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"

Johnny: "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandpa got burnt yesterday."

Teacher: "Was he burned very bad?"

Johnny: "Yes Mam, they don't muck around at these crematoriums you know."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence? " He said, "Damn if I know. " She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son,sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence? " "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know. " The father jumped up in the back,pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it! "


----------



## win231

A 5-year-old girl is taking care of her mother who is sick.  She makes a cup of tea for her.
After her mother drinks it, she says, "Thank you.  That was great, honey.  Where did you learn to make tea?"
The child says, "I watched the teacher make it in school.  I couldn't find the tea strainer, so I used the fly swatter."
Noticing the worried look on her mother's face, she said, "Oh, don't worry mom.  I didn't use the _new _one; I used the _old _one."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered. 
A lady stood up and came forward. 
She said, ‘I have a reason to thank the Lord.’ 
‘Two months ago, my husband, John, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.’ 
‘The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.’ 
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor John experienced. 
She continued, ‘John was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain.’ 
‘We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.’ 
‘They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of John's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.’ 
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on John. 
She continued, ‘Now, John is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.’ 
All the men sighed with relief. 
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. 
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. 
He said, ‘I'm John and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum'.


----------



## win231

A 6-year-old asked her mother, "How did I get here?"

"God sent you," she replied.

"Did God send you too?" asked the child.

"Yes, dear" replied the mother.

"What about Grandma & Grandpa?" asked the child.

"He sent them also," replied the mother.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, he did," the mother replied patiently.

"No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here," said the child.  "No sex in this family for 200 years!"


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Dear Tide
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, 
as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my sixties I find it even better! 
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new pretty white blouse. 
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, 
and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow 
I ended up with the old geezer's blood on my new pretty white blouse! I grabbed my bottle 
of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
 In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that
 the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and my attorney called and said that I was no
 longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! I thank you, 
once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to take my meds and write to the Hefty bag people.


----------



## Sassycakes

Experimental pills
A middle age woman walks into her sex therapists office and tells her that 
her husband 
is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. 
The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells 
the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell
 her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that
 the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist 
what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn’t 
know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes 
in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would 
happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead 
and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist 
that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband 
the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn’t know; it’s an experimental drug and 
she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the
 therapists office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband’s morning coffee.
 A week later, a boy walks into the therapist’s office and says: "Are you the idiot who
 gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
 "Well, moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my butt hurts, and dads sittin' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."


----------



## win231

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
 Husband:   "My wife is missing.  She went shopping yesterday and has not come home."

 Sergeant:   "What is her height?"

 Husband:   "Gee, I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall."

Sergeant:   "Weight?"

 Husband:    "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."

 Sergeant:    "Color of eyes?"

Husband:    "Never noticed."

Sergeant:    "Color of hair?"

Husband:   "Changes a couple times a year.  Maybe dark brown."

Sergeant:  "What was she wearing?"

Husband:   "Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly."

Sergeant:   "What kind of car did she leave in?"

Husband:   "She left in my truck."

Sergeant:   "What kind of truck was it?"

 Husband:   "Brand new Ford F-150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Custom leather seats and Heavy Duty floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch.  DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets.  Custom alloy wheels and off-road Michelin tires. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door."  

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant:   "Don't worry buddy.  We'll find your truck."


----------



## win231

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. They continue shopping.

 A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband says, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."


----------



## win231

"A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.  As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding.  He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.  She took the seat right beside his.  Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

 She turned, smiled and said, "Business.  The Annual Sex Education Convention in Chicago."

'Wow,' he thought.  Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!  Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."  

"Really!"  he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.  We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you.  I don't even know your name."  

"Tonto Goldstein,” he replied.  “But my friends call me Bubba."


----------



## win231

The Best Divorce Letter ever!

My Dear husband: 

 I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
 I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & 
 I have nothing to show for it and the last 2 weeks have ...
 been hell.
 Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today 
 which was the last straw. Last week, you came home & 
 you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked 
 your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. 
 You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching 
 TV.  You don't tell me you love me anymore; you 
 don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. 
 Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; 
 whatever the case, I'm gone. 
 Your Ex-Wife.
 P.S. - Don't try to find me. Your brother & I are moving to 
 New Zealand together! Have a great life!

REPLY: 
 Dear Ex-wife:
 Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It's 
 true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good 
 woman is a far cry from what you've been. 
 I watch TV so much because it drowns out your constant 
 whining & bitching.  I DID notice when you got your hair done last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy.' 
 Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say 
 something nice, I didn't comment.....and when you cooked my 
 favorite meal, you must have confused me  with my brother  
 because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years. 
 About the new nightie:  I turned away from you because the $300.00 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed  $300.00 from me that morning. 
 After all this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. 
 My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care. 
 Signed, Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free! 
 P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was 
 born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

Field Trip Woes: A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, 
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about 
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would 
with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting
 outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.  Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys
 up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, 
she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. 
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
 'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
​


----------



## Seeker

This is what marriage is really all about
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.". As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.


The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything".


As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you're waiting for?".


She answered . . .


(This is great)


"THE TEETH"


----------



## Pappy

The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief. One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children. "Well, my son," the chief replied, "When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see. "For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say - you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising. "And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say - you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over. "So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping? "


----------



## Ken N Tx

On the first day, he sadly packed his
                      belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

                      On the second day, he had the movers come and
                      collect his things.

                      On the third day, he sat down for the last
                      time at their beautiful dining-room table, by
                      candle-light. He put on some soft background
                      music, and cooked a pound of shrimp to go with
                      a jar of caviar, and a bottle of champagne. He
                      left another pound of shrimp he bought uncooked.

                      When he'd finished his meal, he went into
                      every room and deposited a handful of raw
                      shrimp into the hollow centre of all the
                      curtain rods.

                      He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

                      On the fourth day, his ex-wife came back with
                      her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

                      Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

                      They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and
                      airing-out the place. Vents were checked for
                      dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

                      Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
                      Exterminators were brought in to set off gas
                      canisters, during which time the two had to
                      move out for a few days, and in the end they
                      even paid to replace the expensive wool
                      carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped
                      coming over to visit.

                      Repairmen refused to work in the house. The
                      maid refused to make her weekly cleaning visits.

                      Finally, they couldn't take the stench any
                      longer, and decided they had to move, but a
                      month later - even though they'd cut
                      their price in half - they couldn't find a
                      buyer for such a stinky house.

                      Word got out, and eventually even the local
                      realtors refused to return their calls.

                      Finally, unable to wait any longer for a
                      purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of
                      money from the bank to purchase a new place.

                      Then the ex-husband called the woman and asked
                      how things were going. She told him the saga
                      of the rotting house. He listened politely and
                      said that he missed his old home terribly and
                      would be willing to reduce his divorce
                      settlement in exchange for having the house.

                      Knowing he could have no idea how bad the
                      smell really was, she agreed on a price that
                      was only 1/10th of what the house had been
                      worth ... But only if he would sign the papers
                      that very day.

                      He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers
                      delivered the completed paperwork.

                      A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood
                      smiling as they watched the moving company
                      pack everything to take to their new home.

                      And just to spite the ex-husband, they even
                      took the curtain rods!









​


----------



## RadishRose

[h=1]Redneck Love Poem[/h]
Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half brother.”

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, “There’s trouble still...

You cain’t marry Will, my gal,
And please don’t tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo’
I know is yo’ half brother.”

But Mama knew and said, “My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
*You ain’t no kin to Pappy!*”


----------



## Sassycakes

~ Marriage Counseling ~ 

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling. 
When asked what the problem was, the wife started listing every problem they had ever had in 
the years they had been married. On and on and on . . . . neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, 
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. 

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around
 the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately 
as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. 
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. 
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 
"This is what your wife needs, at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" 
The Husband said 
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Prison or Work                        
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the                        majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT                        WORK.........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three                        meals a day.
AT WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal                        and you have to pay for it.
IN                        PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT                        WORK.........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and                        unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.........You must                        carry around a security card and unlock and open all the                        door yourself.
IN                        PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT                        WORK..........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own                        toilet.
AT WORK.........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your                        family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.........You cannot                        even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no                        work required.
AT                        WORK.........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through                        bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time wanting to get                        out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK........They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited                        time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get firedif you get caught.​


----------



## Sassycakes

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. 
The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the 
day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. 
The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, 
and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely 
for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, 
but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. 
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Pappy said:


> View attachment 66897


----------



## Sassycakes

Questions asked by an attorney in court !

Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes. 
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
    A: I went to Europe, Sir. 
    Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?​ ​ Q: Did he kill you?​ Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?​ Q: How many times have you committed suicide?​ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?​


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

A Crime Scene

There's been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman's spouse.
He'd just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He'd never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
''Who could have done this terrible thing?''
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
''Just look at the clues,'' replied Sargeant Miller.




''It looks like the work of a cereal killer.'


----------



## RadishRose

*Q. How much money does a pirate pay for corn?
A. A buccaneer.*


----------



## Seeker




----------



## RadishRose

Seeker said:


> View attachment 71937


omg!


----------



## Furryanimal

*Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible.

“Very well, Mr Jones,” says the pilot. “If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free.” So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it’s a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every single bit of acrobatics in his repertoire and doing a loop at the end. Jones says nothing. After they land, the pilot turns to Jones in disbelief.

“Mr Jones, I’ve been doing this for 20 years and no-one’s ever been able to hold back from screaming. Tell me, was there ever a point in the flight where you wanted to say something?”

“Aye,” Jones replies. “When Berwyn fell out.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

The wife receives a fax from her husband one day stating the following: "Dear wife. Since you are already 44 now, you cannot satisfy me completely anymore. So I am sending you this fax to tell you that I am at the Hotel Rivera with my 18 year old secretary and girlfriend now and will be back later on tonight, before 12am definitely."
As the husband arrives back home, just before 12am he finds a note from his wife.
"Dear husband. I thank you for your letter and your consideration in letting me know. But I do have to remind you, that you yourself are also 44 years of age. Therefore you also cannot satisfy me completely anymore. Therefore I am at the Beachfront Hotel now, with my boyfriend and Tennis instructor, who is also 18. But I won't be back before the morning, because - as I would like to remind you - 18 go more times into 44 than 44 into 18!"


----------



## Sassycakes

When God created​
Adam and Eve, He said:
 I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it, please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded and said those things did not matter to her.
Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.
He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...
Well, he would not stop showing off.
God and Eve watched the man, crazy with happiness and Eve asked God:
What is the other gift? '
God answered:


,..... a brain ... and it is for you Eve !​


----------



## Furryanimal

*A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains...*
A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains with his pet newt when he comes across a pub. He enters the pub and sees that there is a sign that says dogs are allowed in.

"Can I bring my pet newt inside?" The man asks the bartender.

"Hmm, I suppose so." The bartender says, slightly sceptical.

The man leaves and enters again with the biggest newt the bartender had ever seen. It was almost a meter long and the bartender was shocked silent.

"This is my newt: Tiny." The man tells the bartender.

"Tiny? But it's massive!" The bartender says in shock.

"He's called Tiny because he's my newt."


----------



## Ken N Tx

> *Riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control
> and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
> 
> Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the
> road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful
> woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed
> she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.
> 
> "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the
> car to get a closer look.
> 
> She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage
> that nasty scrape on your head.”
> 
> "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will
> like me doing that!"
> 
> "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you
> have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
> 
> Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of
> shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't
> like this."
> 
> We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after
> a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,
> "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset
> so I'd better go now."
> 
> "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She
> won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
> "Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."*


----------



## treeguy64

Pappy said:


> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in? " he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya. "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband? "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery. "Oh, God no! " cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me... "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. "Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim? "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly? "Well, no Brenda, no. "No? "Fact is, he got out three times to pee. "*[/FONT][/FONT]


The only beer I drink. I even have a Guinness bottle opener on my wall. That being said, I average one beer every month and a half, or so.


----------



## Pappy

I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos. ~~~The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the "capsule " until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave. ~~~On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time. ~~~Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gentler military officers we were, told her "No problem. Just send down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke' them ourselves. " ~~~Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she whispered, "You can DO that? " :"


----------



## Marie5656

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. 

 One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.  All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. 

 The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 
 "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me." 

 The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me." 

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000." 

 The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?  ” 

 "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence." 

 "Done!" replies the government official. 

 And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked

Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box. ​


----------



## Pappy

I'm posting this with a heavy heart...

As much as I love my antiques and collecting them, it takes up too much of my time and I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics such as cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be getting rid of my entire collection to anyone interested. 

Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only please and don't insult me with lowball offers.

Thanks for reading and understanding...

1. Dustpan and brush

2. Sponges

3. Dusters

4. Mop and bucket

5. Window cleaner

6. Vacuum

7. Dishwashing liquid

8. Laundry detergent

9. Fabric softener

10. Laundry baskets

11. Toilet brush

12. Cleaning sprays

13. Scrubbing brushes


----------



## Seeker

*I'd like to apologize in advance for what you are about to read.  This is long but if you want a good laugh you gotta read……I do not know the author but I found it very funny.


What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a coward in front of your older brother's friends. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of crap in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The crap / water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your butthole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours. You're broken. Your butthole's broken. Your spirit's broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## AZ Jim

Man goes into a bar and orders three double whiskeys.  The bartender tells the man to slow it down or he'll end up passed out.  He asks the man why he wants to drink so much so fast.  The man replies that he has the worst headache of his life.  The barkeep said he had a much better cure and that he used to have the same problem.  He went on to say when he gets a headache like that, he goes home and his wife gives him oral sex and he gets immediate relief.  He tells the man that he should try it too.  The customer replies that he would love to and asks "is your wife home now"?


----------



## win231

A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf. They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up so they complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.

The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them.”

The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”


----------



## win231

A teenager walks into a pharmacy & tells the pharmacist: "I need a dozen condoms. My girlfriend's parents are leaving town tonight, & we're gonna bang our brains out.
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"

The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."

His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."

The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."


----------



## jet

An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a sperm sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a sperm sample."

 The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, "Well, doc, it's like this... first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

 The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, "You asked your neighbor???"

 The old man replies, "Yep, not one of us could get the jar open."


----------



## Sassycakes

What religion is your Bra ?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."


"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.


"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"


"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."


Relieved, the man asked about the types to which the saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"


Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.


The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."


_BONUS_ Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Furryanimal

*
A Red Indian chief had three squaws, or wives. One of them was his favourite and she knew it. Everybody in the tribe slept on a buffalo hide, but the no. 1 wife told the chief she wanted a hippopotamus hide. He thought so much of her that he managed to obtain one, so she happily slept on that every night.

A few months later it became clear that all three squaws were pregnant. The chief hoped he would get three sons [It was a male-dominated society. It wasn't very PC either, as you may have noticed.] Eventually, one evening one of the other two squaws gave birth....and it was a boy. Everyone was very pleased. The next day the other no.2 squaw gave birth, and it was twin boys. Huge celebrations. Everybody was waiting to see what the no. 1 squaw would provide.

And two days later, she produced...triplets. Three little boys. The chief was ecstatic.

Which proves that the squaw on the hippopotamus equals the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.*


----------



## Pappy

First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.

When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."


----------



## pp1228

A Priest  dies and is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionable in dark sunglasses, leather jacket and jeans.

God to the Guy: Who are you.......?

Guy: 
I am a superfast express bus driver.........!!!!

God: 
Take the Gold robe and enter kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest: Who are you....?

Priest: 
I am a priest and spent 40 years preaching good to people.

God: 
"Take this cotton Robe and enter the heaven..........!!!

Priest: 
God how come that foul mouth rash bus driver gets a Gold and I spent all my life preaching good get cotton ........!!!!

God: 
Results, my son results...........

While you preached People slept, when he drove People really prayed.........

It's performance, not position that counts!!!!


----------



## Sassycakes

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".
"Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day 
on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"


----------



## Sassycakes

A Blonde Wife

My wife opened her first checking account and went out purchasing things for the house.
After a couple weeks the bank called her and told her she was out of funds.
In total shock, my wife exclaimed, "How can I be out of money when I've got all these checks left?"


----------



## Sassycakes

The boyfriend calls his girlfriend and says, "Hi, hon, are you good with your heart transplant tomorrow?"
"Oh, I'm a bit frightened, but confident," she answers.
"You know, I love you, and I'm sure everything is gonna be fine," he adds.
"I love you too!" she says and hangs up.
After a successful surgery, she wakes up and when she sees her father beside her, she inquires, "Where's my boyfriend?"
"Whose heart do you think is in your body now?" asks her dad.
"NOOOO!!!" she exclaims.

"Calm down," said her father, "this was just to test your new heart. He just went to the restroom..."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

You laid on my naked body and applied your mouth to me without guilt or humiliation. You drove me near crazy while you drained me. Today when I awoke, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail. Only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears marks of your ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you. Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you...Flippin mosquito!!!!


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."


----------



## Sassycakes

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and.......

The coffin stops


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## mike4lorie

I know we are aways from Christmas But wanted to share this with you, as it is one of my favorites...

Three drunks are standing at St. Peter's gates on Christmas Eve. St Peters looks at the three of them and tells them he wants them to show him something that symbolizes Christmas if they want to be granted in the gates...

First Drunk stands up and holds up a set of keys, and St. Peter says and what is that? The drunk replies, those would be the bells of Christmas... St Peter allows him the gates...

The second drunk holds up Sheets, and St Peters says and what would that be, and the drunk replies that would be the music sheets of Christmas... St Peter opens the gates for him...

The third drunk is fumbling in his pockets, and eventually pulls out a pair of women's panties... St. Peter says and what are they... 

The drunk replies they would be Carol's


----------



## mike4lorie

The Internet What’s that? 

“C’ mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought. “Ok,” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?” “Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained. “OK, here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her. My mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type, How is Gertrude doing this morning?


----------



## mike4lorie

Speeding Ticket Joke 

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

My 9yr old Granddaughter sent me these today in an email.

Grandkid: "Does beer make you smarter?"
Grandparent: “No, but it made Budweiser.”

My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was
through his stomach.
That’s why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram.

What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?
I don't know. My 17 aunts and uncles won’t answer my question.

Grandma has been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her inside.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

The Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete..
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your
feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste
it.
Women reading this will be finished now.

v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.


----------



## Sassycakes

I was in in the public restroom and I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other:
Stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: (surprised and embarrassed) "Doing fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Heyyy listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall
        who keeps answering all my questions!


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## win231

It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus. She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.

Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.

A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step. She turned around & went ballistic on the guy & screamed: _"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"_

The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."


----------



## Sassycakes

*My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 *
*to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm 
always willing to help out friends and family. I told her 
to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. 
Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin 
was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that 
the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend 
out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday 
. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 
because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her 
to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from 
Jail It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. *
*My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Driving Home from the Pub

Paddy, the famous Irishman, was driving home after downing a few pints at the local pub. He turned a corner and much to his horror he saw a tree smack dab in the middle of the road. 
He swerved to avoid it, and almost too late, realized that there was yet another tree directly in his new path. 
He swerved again and discovered that his drive home had turned into a terrifying slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. 
Moments later he heard the sound of a police siren and brought his car to a stop. 
Officer O'Brien approaches Paddy's car and asked him what on earth he was doing drivin' so erratically and Paddy started to tell his story of the terrifying trees in the road. 
Suddenly Officer O'Brien stopped him mid sentence.

"Oh Fer Pete's sake, Paddy, that's yer air freshener hanging there!!"


----------



## jerry old

You reckon  cows worry about being on someone's table?
Not iff'in they read Emily Post,  they'd be a'sitting in a chair,


----------



## Sassycakes

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Y-E-E-E-H-A-A-A-H!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Y-E-E-E-H-A-A-A-H!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

Every night, after dinner Harry took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.  He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened.

His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her and then said, "Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home?  Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss?  He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night Harry took off again after dinner.  About midnight he arrived home in his usual condition.  His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it and opened the door to let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It’s pretty late dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?"

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

Visiting hour at Rhode Island Hospital are from 5 – 7 pm after he comes out of his coma.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Ken N Tx

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"
"And so, here we are!" BOOM!!!!


----------



## Sassycakes

*A lawyer who works in Seattle gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately *
*fly out of the state for a short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his 
wife he is going. The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone.
After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! 
The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is the emergency of which 
he must take care.
So, he tells the maid to go and get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman.
She protests! The lawyer explains that under Washington State law it is legal to kill your 
adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it.
She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears a scream, the sound of two gun shots,
 some loud thumps and finally, two splashes.
The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, “Did you kill them?”
“Yes,” she replies.
The lawyer questions her again, “What did you do with the bodies?”
“I threw them in the pool,” she responds.*
*There is a brief pause from the lawyer.  He asks her, “Did you say the POOL?”
“Yes! I threw them in the pool!” she says.
Then he askes her...*
*“Uh, is this 555-8234?”*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn,
he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments.
“What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded.
Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties,*

*
and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Four Catholic ladies are having coffee  together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says  smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in  silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She  replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper..... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."*


----------



## Sassycakes

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up,"

like the Bishop said: "4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"


----------



## Sassycakes

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...
"HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows"


----------



## win231

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.


----------



## win231




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*  PARKING TICKET: My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. *
*When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. 
We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving 
a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued 
writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing 
another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket 
and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, 
the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us 
and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Political stickers. 
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. *
*It's so important at our age!!*


----------



## Sassycakes

* A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. *
*When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook*

*And that's how the fight started !*


----------



## Liberty

*A teacher in a  highly rated Christian school ask her 4th grade class " who was the most important person in the Bible?".  Silence.  

So, she primed the pump by saying "here is a $10 bill for anyone that can tell me who the most important person in the Bible was.  2 hands rose, she picked the first one - "Moses", said the boy.  Sorry, wrong.  She picked the 2nd one "David"?" , no sorry. 

Then, in the back of the room a hand rose...it was the lone Jewish boy student.  She called on him and he said "Jesus".  OMG, she almost started to cry.  Here was this  Jewish boy in a Christian school and he "alone" had got it right. 

She dismissed the class and ask him to stay.  She gave him the $10 bucks and said "how did you know this", to which he replied " well, I thought it was Abraham, but hey,
business is business"!*


----------



## Sassycakes

*On a train a woman is reading a book. *
*The man sitting next to her says, 
“Hi, couldn’t help but notice the book you’re reading.”
“Yes, it’s about finding ****** satisfaction.  It’s interesting.
Did you know that, statistically, American Indians and Polish men are the best lovers?
By the way, my name is Jill.
What’s yours?”*
*“Flying Cloud Kowalski.  Nice to meet you.”*


----------



## win231

People are shocked when they find out I'm not a good electrician.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## fmdog44

I grew in a town so small we did not even have a town drunk so we had to alternate!


----------



## win231

A new study concluded that silicone breast implants do not cause any health problems.
Not true.  They cause severe eye strain in men.


----------



## win231

A lawyer makes out a will for an elderly lady, and she pays him with a crisp new $100 bill.
Later on, the lawyer discovers that the new $100 bill is actually two $100 bills stuck together.
His dilemma: Should he tell his partner?


----------



## win231

A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf. They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up so they complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.
The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them.”
The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,
he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.*
*"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm too young." said Tom.
"If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen.
You can choose on your own"
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring,
but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen."
Tom replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........
then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm."
he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on.
Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed.
 And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.*
*The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Pete's sake!!!
Wake up ... you're ' crappin ' all over the bed!"*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. *
*The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them
he's 6 feet 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 feet 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."*
*The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Many years ago when I was 23, I got married to a widow. *
*This widow had a grown up daughter.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they got married too.
This made my Dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother too because she was my father's wife!
After a few years I became father of a baby boy complicating the matter further. *
*My son became the brother-in-law of my father!*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## TravelinMan

So Caesar walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "I want a manrtinus".  The bartender says, "Do you mean a martini?"  Caesar answers, "If I had wanted more than one I would have ordered it!"


----------



## win231

A guy bought a new truck.  He had to take it back to the dealer because the radio wouldn't work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.  He showed the customer how it works.
"Nelson," the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie," he continued, and the song, "On The Road Again" started to play.
Then he said, "Ray Charles," and in an instant, "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
The customer drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time he said, "Beethoven," he'd get beautiful classical music, and if he said "Beatles," he'd get one of their songs.
Then, one day, a woman ran a red light and almost smashed into his truck, but luckily he swerved in time to avoid her.  He was angry & yelled, "Crazy B----!"
 The radio replied, "Hillary or Pelosi?"


----------



## Sassycakes

*My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. *
*The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, 
she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, 
"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."*
*The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."*


----------



## Ken N Tx

Phyllis Dillerisms...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:
Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'
He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller


----------



## Sassycakes

*Two cannibals ,a father and son,were elected by the tribe
to go out and get something to eat.They walked deep into the jungle
and waited by a path .Before long ,along Came this little old man.
The son said.” Ooh,dad,there’s one “. “ No”, Said the father .”
There’s not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs.We’ll just wait”.
Well ,a little while later,along Came this really fat man.
The son said “ Hey ,dad ,he’s plenty big enough “. “ No”, the father said.
” We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one.We’ll just wait”.
About an hour later ,here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.The son said ,
” Now there’s nothing wrong with that one,dad.Let’s eat her “.
“ No”, said the father.We’ll not eat her either”. “ Why not ?”. asked the son.”

BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO TAKE HER BACK ALIVE AND EAT YOUR MOTHER”.*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*
 A blonde city girl named Amy marries a
Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,
the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a
while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy takes him down
to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the
nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming
he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm
dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be
bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its
stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the
nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.*
*(It's nice to see a blonde winning...once in awhile.)*


----------



## Sassycakes

* Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,*
* "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. 
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different*

*Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Oldguy

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob, a redneck, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."


----------



## Sassycakes

**
*

                            Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what!!
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they 
both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the 
fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' 
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked. 
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said. 
'Okay,' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. 
He said to the little girl, 
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' 
She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
*
*You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*


----------



## Morgan62

Girl enters an elevator (lift)
Sees a smartly dressed handsome boy and decides to  chat him up
Girl: T.G.I.F
Boy: (with smirk) S.H.I.T
Girl: (annoyed) T.G.I.F. !!!
Boy: (still wearing the smirk) S.H.I.T
Girl: (Fuming) Thank Goodness It's Friday !!!!
Boy: (Greening) Sorry Honey It's Thursday


----------



## win231

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.  He yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
 2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 250 - pound blonde woman.
 4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter
 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


----------



## win231

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.  When he wakes up the next morning & looks in the mirror, he sees that he has a black eye.  Then he sees a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the table.  And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sees his clothing on the bed clean and pressed.  He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.  So is the rest of the house.  Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.  I love you, darling!" 
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son......What happened last night?" 
"Well, you came home at 3 am, drunk and out of your mind.  You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway.  You got that black eye when you ran into the door. 
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?  I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" 
His son replies, "Oh THAT!  Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!" 
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99.  Hot Breakfast: $4.20.  Two Aspirins:  $.38.  Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!


----------



## Ken N Tx

Sassycakes said:


> *View attachment 77636*


----------



## toffee

A woman, shortly before Christmas, told her husband that she would like something able to go from 0 to 100 in more or less 4 seconds ... It goes without saying that she wanted a new car. The husband was a bit of a cheapskate. So for Christmas, the woman recieved a scale!

 source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/christmasgiftjokes.html


----------



## toffee

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

 source: http://www.jokes4us.com/blondejokes/dumbblondejokes.html


----------



## Pappy

A Kentucky State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 8 miles south of Richmond, Kentucky. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Lexington to do a show for the Childrens Hospital. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from London got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in.                                                                                                   The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”


----------



## norman

A Duck, a Skunk and a Deer went to out to eat at a restaurant, when it came time to pay, the skunk did not have_ scent,_ the deer did not have a _buck_ so they put the meal on the_ Ducks Bill._


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so
I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts
God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own
perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven!
Would you explain that to me?


"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."*


----------



## win231

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, & tells his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs & gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks mad, but fetches another beer & slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer & a few minutes later, says, _"Quick, get me another beer...it's going to start any minute."_
Now, his wife is really furious. She yells at him: _"Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer & sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken fat slob, & furthermore......"_
The man sighs & says, "It's started."


----------



## win231

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $25.00."
The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot!  I do not need an over-priced tie.  I need water!  I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the little old man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.  I will show you that I love my fellow man anyway.  If you continue over that hill to the east for about a mile, you will find a lovely restaurant.  It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.  Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said: "You little bastard!  Your brother won't let me in without a tie."


----------



## win231

An elderly woman was visiting her daughter. One morning she came out of the guest room and asked her daughter if she could see the morning paper.
Her daughter said, “Mom, this is the 21st century here is my I-pad.”
Mom just looks at her and says, “OK.” She took the I-pad and walked into the guest room, slammed the I-pad down hard on the dresser, picks it up and looks at the daughter and says, “Yep, worked fine. Fly didn’t know what hit it.”


Why do women gain weight after marriage?
A single woman comes home, sees what’s in the fridge, & goes to bed.
A married woman sees what’s in bed & goes to the fridge.


A husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a skilled guy on the dance floor breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. 
The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." 
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!”


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## win231

An accused murderer’s defense attorney was questioning a pathologist who performed the autopsy on his client’s victim.
Lawyer: “Doctor, Before performing the autopsy, did you check the victim for a pulse?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s respiration?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s blood pressure?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, doctor, you never really established that the victim was dead, did you?”
Pathologist: “Well, his brain was in a jar next to the table, but I suppose he could still be out there practicing law.”


----------



## win231

Anna Nicole Smith was testifying in the inheritance trial after her husband’s death:
Judge: “Mrs. Smith, how old are you?”
Anna: “I’m 34.”
Judge: “How old was your husband when he died?”
Anna: “97.”
Judge: “Well, Mrs. Smith, when did you realize you were in love with this man who was 63 years older than you?”
Anna: “At that very moment when he said those three wonderful words that every woman wants to hear from a man.”
Judge: “You mean _I love you_?”
 Anna: “No; _I can’t breathe_.”


----------



## win231

One night during a thunderstorm, I brought our dog in the house.
When my wife came into the bedroom & saw the dog curled up on the floor, she said “He can’t stay in the house all night.”
I said, “It’s raining & there is thunder & lightning; he can’t stay outside.”
She said, “What about all the fur on the carpet?”
I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll vacuum tomorrow.”
She said, “What about the fleas?”
I said, “They’ll get used to you just like I did.”


----------



## win231

"A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.  As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding.  He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.  Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.  Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" 
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sex Education Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." 
"Really!" he said. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.  We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you.  I don't even know your name." 
"Tonto Goldstein,” he replied. “But my friends call me Bubba."


----------



## win231

Grandpa & Grandma were visiting their kids overnight. Grandpa found a bottle of ****** in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked his son about trying one pill.
The son said, "I don't think that's a good idea, Grandpa...they're very strong & very expensive....they cost $10.00 per pill."
"I don't care," says Grandpa. "I'd still like to try one. Before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa & said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. The other $100.00 is from Grandma."


----------



## win231

A thief has been stealing wheels off of police cars.
Police have been working tirelessly to catch him.


----------



## win231

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.  I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?"


----------



## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




----------



## win231

I have a friend who lives in China.  I asked him what it's like living there.
He said, "I can't complain."


----------



## win231

A Manager of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning against a wall.
He asks the clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk explained, "Well, he came in this morning to get something for his cough. We're out of cough syrup so I gave him a bottle of laxative & suggested he drink the whole thing."
"You idiot!" yells the Manager. "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Of course you can," says the clerk. "Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"


----------



## Pappy

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing


----------



## norman

win231 said:


> I have a friend who lives in China.  I asked him what it's like living there.
> He said, "I can't complain."


 He got that rite, they don't allow any complains.  lol


----------



## Sassycakes

*Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his*
*father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler.
She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. 
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called 
the teacher to see how it went. She said, "I think I broke his gambling habit". 
The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, 
so I pulled down my pants and won his money." "DAMN!" said the father. "What's wrong?", 
the teacher asked. Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 *
*he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*                                    Honesty is the best policy*
*At dinner with friends and family, Johnny was asked to say the prayer.
"But I don't know how to pray", he replied.
"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc...", said his father.
"Okay", the boy said.*
*"*Dear Lord, thank you for the visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work. AMEN!*"*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

So.....I'm going to a funeral.  As I drive into the cemetery, my GPS says, "You have reached your final destination."


----------



## Sassycakes

*When my younger brother and his wife celebrated their first anniversary, *
*they invited the rest of the family to join them for dinner. 
The conversation focused on the newlyweds and how they happened to meet.  
Caught up in the romance of the story, one by one the men related how 
we had met our wives. Eventually everyone had told his story except for my youngest brother.

All eyes were on him when he said, "Oh, Cindy and I met in college. 
We were matched up by a computer according to compatibility."

"That's the whole story?" my wife asked incredulously.
*
*"Oh, no," he replied with a grin. "They've fixed the computer since then."*


----------



## norman

Johnny's class had been good so the teacher brought donuts.  Johnny was offered a donut and he said, I don't want a G_D DAMN MOTHER FU_K'N donut.  His teacher said young man I am calling your mom.  Mom came in and the teacher said to his mom, listen to this.      Johnny here is your donut and Johnny said I told you I don't want a G_D DAMN MOTHER FU__K'N donut.  Teacher looked at his mom...... Johnny's mom said, FU_K  THE LITTLE MOTHER FUC__ER don't give him one.    ( I tried to clean it up}


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Liberty

Blond Valley girl is so happy...she tells everyone she knows and some people she doesn't know 
that she got this gorgeous "new car".  So she  tells her newly engaged to  boyfriend "I got this gorgeous new car."
He asks her "what kind of car did you get, dear"?
She says "BLUE".  The engagement didn't last long.


----------



## Kris148

*How did the bunny rob a snowman?

He took out his hair dryer and said: Give me that carrot! *


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## Kris148




----------



## Pappy

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you? "Of course I do. It is the Bible. " the lady replies! "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? " he asked. "Oh, Jonah... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. " she replied. "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale? " he asked. "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him. " said the lady. "What if he isn't in heaven? " the man asked sarcastically. "Then YOU can ask him. " replied the lady!"


----------



## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




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## win231

A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.  She gets up to look for him.  She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.  He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.  She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye & takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks.
The husband says, "I was just thinking about when we first met 20 years ago & started dating.  You were only 16.  Do you remember?"
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring & sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied.
The husband asks, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face & said, "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to prison for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek & says, "I would have gotten out today."


----------



## win231

A Frenchman, a German & an Irishman walk into a bar & each orders whiskey.
The drinks arrive & there's a fly in each one.
The Frenchman says, _"Mon Dieu! I cannot drink this!"_
The German flicks the fly out & gulps the drink down.
The Irishman grabs the fly, turns it upside down & yells, _"Spit it out!"_


----------



## win231

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat & the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes & was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up & get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the American. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe & spat in it several times. When the American returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd like a coke too."
Again, the American obligingly went to get it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up his other shoe & spat in it several times.
When the American returned, they all sat back & enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened.
_"Why does it have to be this way?"_ he asked.
_"How long must this go on - this fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"_


----------



## win231

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's ****** harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.99 per minute.


----------



## Sassycakes

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. 
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. 
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, 
I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. 
Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. 
The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. 

“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”


----------



## Kris148

Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together. The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one. At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly: “Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”

Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”

Earl: "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!"


----------



## win231

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. They continue shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."


----------



## win231

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.  Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”


----------



## win231

A husband went to the police department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband:   My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant:   What is her height?
Husband:   Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:   Weight?
Husband:   Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:   Color of eyes?
Husband:   Never noticed.
Sergeant:   Color of hair?
Husband:   Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant:   What was she wearing?
Husband:   Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant:   What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:   She went in my truck.
Sergeant:   What kind of truck was it?
Husband:   Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets.  Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins.  Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.  At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant:  Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.


----------



## Pappy

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”


----------



## Kris148

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."


----------



## Kris148

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.


----------



## Sassycakes

*Shirley and Sophie are elderly widows. 
One day they see a new, nice looking guy come into the 
indoor swimming pool of a building with them.
Sophie says, "Shirley you know I'm shy. Can you go over to 
the other side of the pool and try to get to know about that guy."
Shirley goes over to the other side and asks the guy "Are you single?"
"Yes, but I've been in prison."
"Why?"
"I strangled my third wife."
"What about your second wife?"
"I got in a fight with her and she fell out the window."
"And your first wife?"
"I shot her."
Then Shirley calls to the other side to Sophie and says "Yoo hoo, he's single!"*


----------



## win231

A woman consulted her doctor to ask for his help in reviving her husband's libido. “He just doesn’t care about sex anymore,” she said.
"I suggest ******," said the doctor.
"Not a chance," said the woman. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Just drop it into his coffee," said the doctor. "He won't even taste it. Give it a try & call me in a week to let me know how things went."
A week later, she called the doctor & said, "It was just terrible.....terrible, I tell you! I slipped it into his coffee just as you suggested & the effect was immediate! With one swoop of his arm he sent cups & tablecloth flying, he ripped my clothes off & took me then & there, right on the table! It was an absolute nightmare!"
"What do you mean?" asked the doctor. Wasn't the sex good?"
"Oh, yes, doctor. It was the best I've had in 25 years. But we're not allowed in Starbucks again."


----------



## win231

A woman walked into a bar in Austin & saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. She asked the cowboy if it was true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned & said, "Why sure, little lady! Why don't ya come on out to the bunk house & let me prove it to ya?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100.00 bill. 
Blushing, he said, "Well thank ya, ma'am.....I'm real flattered.  Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, "Take the money & buy yourself some boots that fit."


----------



## win231

An old farmer went into town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
"That's my pet rooster, Chucky. Whever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The farmer went around the corner & stuffed the bird in his pants. He bought a ticket, entered the theater & sat down next to two old widows, Mildred & Marge. The movie started & the rooster began to squirm. The farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out.
"Hey Marge," whispered Mildred. I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants & he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."
"You're right," said Mildred. "But this one's eatin' my popcorn."


----------



## win231

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.  His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed & he was feeling worn out & depressed.  As soon as he arrived home, his wife started yelling at him: _"It's midnight....What have you been doing all night......? Where the hell have you been.....? Dinner is cold & I'm not reheating it....!" _
Too tired to argue with her, he poured himself a drink & went to take a shower.  His wife followed him to the bathroom, continuing to yell at him.  While he was in the shower, the phone rang.  It was her husband's office & she was given a message for her husband - that his client, James Wright would not be hanged tonight.  Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go into the bathroom to give him the good news.  When she opened the bathroom door, her husband had just stepped out of the shower & was drying himself off. 
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around & screamed, _"Dammit woman....don't you ever stop?"_


----------



## Pepper

win, that was surprisingly hilarious, thx


----------



## win231

A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash and it's a bad one.  Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, "So you're a priest. That's interesting; I'm a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace."

The priest replies, "Oh, yes, I agree. It's a miracle that we survived and are here together."

"And here's another miracle," says the rabbi. "My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break.  Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune," he says, handing the bottle to the priest.

The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.

"Aren't you going to have any?" asks the priest.

"Not right now," says the rabbi. "I think I'll wait until after the police make their report."


----------



## win231

A group of tourists were about to go on a hike.  The Park Ranger was warning them about the dangers posed by Grizzly Bears.
He said, "Problems can occur when people unexpectedly stumble across bears.  We advise hikers to wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn bears of their presence.  And always be alert when you know bears are in the area, especially if you see bear droppings."
One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"
"Easy," replied the ranger. "They're the ones with the tiny bells in them."


----------



## win231

It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus.  She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg.  She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.
Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.
A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.
She turned around & slapped him across the face & screamed: "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."


----------



## Sassycakes

*What’s in a name ?*
*A psychiatrist was conducting a Group Therapy Session with five young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.   “ I  am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children."

To the first mother, he said: "Mary, you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum: "Ann, your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names of Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, "Joyce: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: of Brandy and Sherry. You have even called your cat: Whisky."

He then turned to the fourth Mum: "June: Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne, and Poppy."*

*At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up from her seat, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about, grab Fanny and Willy, we're leaving..."*


----------



## Kris148




----------



## Kris148

*A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family." *


----------



## Kris148

*A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here." *


----------



## Kris148

Sassycakes said:


> *What’s in a name ?*
> *A psychiatrist was conducting a Group Therapy Session with five young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.   “ I  am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children."
> 
> To the first mother, he said: "Mary, you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
> 
> He turned to the second Mum: "Ann, your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names of Penny, Goldie and Frank.
> 
> He turned to the third Mum, "Joyce: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: of Brandy and Sherry. You have even called your cat: Whisky."
> 
> He then turned to the fourth Mum: "June: Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne, and Poppy."*
> 
> *At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up from her seat, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about, grab Fanny and Willy, we're leaving..."*


Rude but funny


----------



## win231

A 4th grader asked her mother, "How did I get here?"
"God sent you," replied her mother.
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma & Grandpa," asked the child.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here," said the child. "No sex in this family for 200 years!"


----------



## win231

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.  After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?” 
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto. 
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does that tell you, Tonto?” 
“It tell me you dumb.  It means someone stole our tent.”


----------



## win231

We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull.  We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.  I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow,  I had the Vet come have a look at him.  He said the bull was very healthy.  He gave me some pills to feed him once per day.  They really worked! The bull started to service all of my cows within two days.  He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight.  He's like a machine!" I don't know what the hell was in those pills, but they kind of taste like peppermint.


----------



## win231

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist. The waiting room was filled with patients.  As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.  In an equally loud voice, he replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION.  BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”


----------



## win231

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. His mother phoned to ask how he was. A nurse said, “No change yet.”

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects


----------



## Sassycakes

*Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at 
an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at
a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about 
all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said...
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. 
The 'school-crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign... 

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up! So Farmer John called and called and called everyday for three weeks. 
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good! Can I put up my own sign?" 
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just 
about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. 
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided 
to give Farmer John a call. 
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did! And not one chicken has been killed since then. 
I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, 
"I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... 
it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers." 
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw 
dropped the moment he saw the sign! It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood...

NUDIST COLONY....
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS!*


----------



## Pappy

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


----------



## Sassycakes

Never Mess with a Woman !

 It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain...


----------



## win231

A drunk walks into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, walks over to her & kisses her.
She jumps up & slaps him across the face.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I thought you were my wife. You look just like her.”
“Get away from me, you drunken slob,” she yells.
"Wow," he says.  "You even sound like her."


----------



## StarSong

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin
was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.


After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”


The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”


The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.


The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?”


The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.”


----------



## Kris148

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”

 “That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.” 

“WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”


----------



## Kris148

“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob. 

“Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.” “So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated. 

“Oh it’s really terrible”, said the man starting up again, “why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.” 

“How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his check book. “Well,” said the man breaking down once more “they are my tenants.”


----------



## Sassycakes

*Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail,
only to find that they are to be executed in the morning,
though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has
any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty
power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens
They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law
and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves;
beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says,
"Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree
in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute
nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"*


----------



## win231

There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door.  Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady.  So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no God!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am hungry.  Please provide for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

"Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"
The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no God.  I bought those groceries!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"


----------



## win231

A teenager walks into a pharmacy & tells the pharmacist: "I need a dozen condoms.  My girlfriend's parents are leaving town tonight, & we're gonna bang our brains out."
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"
The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."
His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."
 The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."


----------



## win231

A man asked his wife to pack for him for a weekend fishing trip.  She gladly obliged with clothes, toiletries, all the fishing gear he asked for - rods, reels, tackle box.  At the last moment, he said, "Please pack my new silk pajamas, would you?"
This made her somewhat suspicious but she did as he asked.
When he returned, looking very refreshed, she asked if he caught a lot of fish.
"Oh, yes," he said.  "Three walleyes, four or five bass, it was great......but, you know.....you forgot to pack my new silk pajamas."
"No I didn't," she said. "They're in your tackle box."


----------



## win231

Bob works hard at the plant & spends two nights each week bowling & plays golf every Saturday.  His wife wants to reward him for working so hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them & says, "Hi, Bob, how ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled & asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, the waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual & brings over a Budweiser.  His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable & says, "How did she know you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.  I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to the table, sits in Bob's lap, throws her arms around him & says, "Hi Bobby.  Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse & storms out of the club.  Bob follows & sees her getting into a cab.  Before she slams the door, he jumps in beside her.  Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife doesn't believe him.  She is screaming at him, calling him every four-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around & says, _"Gee Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."_


----------



## Sassycakes

*A  man was observing a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. *
*As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, 
"No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly,
 "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. 
It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. 
When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, 
"There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then
 we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began 
to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering 
there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, 
"Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you 
can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped 
the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient 
you were with little Monica," he began.*
*The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy*


----------



## Kris148

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. "Oh my, I am so sorry," she says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can't believe his luck. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."


----------



## Kris148

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."


----------



## Kris148

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"


----------



## Sassycakes

*When God created
Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded, and said those things did not matter to her.
Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.
He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and
bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...
Well, he would not stop showing off.
God and Eve watched the man crazy with happiness and Eve asked God:
What is the other gift? '
God answered:
Eve,..... a brain ... and it is for you ...!
Share with those women who u want to give a smile ..... and open-minded men !!*


----------



## win231

Sassycakes said:


> View attachment 79387
> 
> *When God created
> Adam and Eve, He said:
> I only have two gifts:
> One is the art of peeing standing ...
> And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
> ME!, ME!, ME!,
> I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!
> Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
> Eve nodded, and said those things did not matter to her.
> Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.
> He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and
> bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...
> Well, he would not stop showing off.
> God and Eve watched the man crazy with happiness and Eve asked God:
> What is the other gift? '
> God answered:
> Eve,..... a brain ... and it is for you ...!
> Share with those women who u want to give a smile ..... and open-minded men !!*


Cute.  And, the first thing Adam said to Eve:  "You better stay back.  I don't know how big this thing's gonna get."


----------



## Pappy

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Just like they did every day. Abe turned to Sol and asked, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven? " Solomon thought about it for a minute and replied, "I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me --if there is baseball in heaven. " They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on. One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol.... " Sol responded, "Abe! Is that you? " "Yes it is Sol," whispered the spirit of Abe. Sol, still amazed, asked, "So, is there baseball in heaven? " "Well," Abe said, "I got good news and I got bad news. " "Gimme the good news first," said Sol. Abe said, "Well... there is baseball in heaven. " Sol said, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!? " Abe sighed and whispered, "You're pitching on Friday. "


----------



## Kris148

These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy.
Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."


----------



## Pappy

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.


----------



## Sassycakes

*One Way To Save Money 
A man named Marty called his son.
“Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset
you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you
can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.”
“But dad how can that be “the son asked “you have been
married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along?
What happened suddenly?” “Son, I have made up my mind,
and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.”
“OK” the son responded “but promise me you won’t do anything
until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask
all of the siblings to fly in also.”Alright” said the father
hanging up “you have my word. “Well” said Marty, turning to his wife
“I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.” *


----------



## Sassycakes

*A man and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. *
*He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” 
Then stormed off to work.
By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends 
and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked.
“I was in bed,” she replied.
“What were you doing in bed this late?”*
*“Getting a second opinion.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  Adam and Eve *
*Existence was so tranquil 
and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve, 
like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate 
day when Adam showed up one hour late for supper. 
By the time Adam finally came home Eve was a nervous wreck, 
and her imagination was working overtime. “Honey, what happened? 
Why are you home so late?” Questioned Eve. “Oh I’m sorry! 
Adam responded with a wave of his hand, “I just lost track of the time.”
Now Eve didn’t have a Mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears, 
after all it was just her and her Husband and despite Adam’s 
convincing act her overactive imagination could not be calmed. 
That night after two hours of restlessly turning in her bed, 
enough was enough. “WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!” 
Hollered Adam jumping out of bed. “YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHAT I’M DOING”
 Screamed Eve right back, “NOW YOU BETTER LAY STILL RIGHT NOW, *
*AND LET ME FINISH COUNTING THOSE RIBS!*


----------



## win231

A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf. They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up.  They complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.
The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them.”
The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”


----------



## win231

While shopping, I saw a woman wearing a white blouse & on the front of it in big black letters it said: “All men are liars.”
I said to her: “You are absolutely gorgeous.”


----------



## win231

Husband to wife: “Honey, I had a wonderful dream last night.”
Wife: “Was it about me?”
Husband: “Yes. I dreamed that I tied you up.”
Wife: “Ooooh, how kinky, was I in bed?”
Husband: “Yes!”
Wife: “What were you doing?”
Husband: “Cindy Crawford.”

Wife coming home: “Honey, did you miss me?”
Husband: “Yes, with the bullets I’ve tried so far.”
Wife: “Maybe you need a bigger gun.”


----------



## Sassycakes

*Terrible Insult
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door
by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the
druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the
phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown
to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my
side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so
I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the
house with both house and car keys inside. I had to
break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store,
I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there
was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing
off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels
against the cash register drawer to make change,
and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my
hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone
was still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head
on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger
back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up,
and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -
she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.*
*and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!"*


----------



## Marie5656

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents '
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
 With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND Forget it.


----------



## Sassycakes

A beautiful blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.. 
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs:
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. 
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter. "I'll TAKE one!"
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her. "Just follow the instructions!"
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions
and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, . . .Nothing 
happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. 
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says. 
'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says. "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. 
The blonde welcomes him in and says. "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. 
The damn frog just SITS there!"
The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:
"LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!"


----------



## win231

Two hours into my first day of work as a Walmart greeter, a mean, nasty woman walks in with her two kids. She is constantly yelling & swearing at them.
I said, "Good morning, ma'am. Welcome to Walmart. Nice kids. Are they twins?"
The mother answered, "Hell no...they ain't twins. They're nine & seven. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?"
"No," I answered. "I'm not blind or stupid. I just didn't think someone would sleep with you twice."


----------



## Sassycakes

*The Execution Joke
Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned
to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right
to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman
what he wanted. “Give me some good French wine and French bread,” he requested.
So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian’s turn.
Give me a big plate of pasta,” said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it,
and then they executed him.
Now it was the Jew’s turn. “I want a big bowl of strawberries, ”
said the Jew. “Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!” “So, I’ll wait…”*


----------



## Sassycakes

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, 
someone screamed out, “wow, how did you do that.” I would tell you”, 
answered the magician predictably, “but then I’d have to kill you.” 
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out “can you tell my mother in law?”


----------



## Pappy

A Kentucky State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 8 miles south of Richmond, Kentucky. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Lexington to do a show for the Childrens Hospital. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from London got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in.                                                                                                   The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”


----------



## Aunt Bea

This made me smile.

This kid wanted to train his dog and his dad told him that there were lots of good dog training videos on YouTube.


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Sassycakes

*Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they*
*are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says,
"Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm
granting you six months to go back to Earth and be
anyone you want."The first nun says, "I want-a to be
Sophia Loren" and <poof!> she's gone.The second says,
"I want-a to be Madonna" and <poof!> she's gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but
that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and
hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts
laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No, Sister,*
*this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'!*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed,
and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”,
said her good friend Mary, “maybe you should go see a psychic?
One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made
her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”
So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in
a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a*
*calm voice. “Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,”
was her reply. “Can you ask him if he’s happy?”
Suzie hesistanly asked. “He’s putting his hand to his mouth
like he wants to smoke” said the psychic.*
*“Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar.
Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar.
I guess they don’t have cigars up there.
Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?”
Questioned Suzie urgently. “Hmm”, said the psychic.
“I can’t seem to get that question across to him.
But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause,
“he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Eddy was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child and the *
*fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last. Since Eddy was a soon to be 
billionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with. 
Eddy approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy, 
but I’m soon gonna be a billionaire! Do you wanna come home with me?” 
“Sure thing” Sandra replied, “I would love to come home with you.” *

*And that’s the story how Sandra became Eddie’s Stepmother.*


----------



## mike4lorie

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against

the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.



The egg, looking quite a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over

and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"


----------



## mike4lorie

A blonde orders a beer.....



The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's boobs and
splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.





Each
time the blonde calls for another

beer
this happens.

So after the third beer, a guy decides to
help the bartender out.



The next time the bartender hit her
boobs, the man jumps up and
starts to lick her breasts.

She decks him!



He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez,
lady... Why do you let the
bartender do it and not me?'



“Helloooo!",
says the blonde”...

“He has a

licker license!”


----------



## mike4lorie

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: 

Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

'JESUS SAVES.' 

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest
until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50


----------



## mike4lorie

Newfi Jokes...

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two newfies were sitting on a bench talking, and one says to the other, "Which do ya tink is furder away. . . Florida, or the moon?"

The other turns and says  "jezz, bye, dat's easy.  Can you see Florida?????"


CAR 
TROUBLE

A newfie pushes his BMW into a gas station.  He tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

The newfie asks, "What's da story?"

The mechanic replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

The newfie asks, "'ow often do I got to do dat?"


SPEEDING TICKET

 A police officer stops a newfie for speeding and asks him  if he could see his license.

He replies in a huff, "Lard t'underin' Jaysus, bye, I wish you guys'd git your acts togedder!

Jiss yesterday you took away me license an' now today you expect me to show it to ya!"


THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A newfie goes into the doctor's office in Ontario and says that his body hurts wherever he touches it.


"Impossible!", says the doctor.  "Show me."

The newfie  took his finger, pushed on his left shoulder and screamed, then he pushed his elbow and screamed even more.
He pushed his knee and screamed and then pushed his ankle and screamed.  Everywhere he touched made him scream.


The doctor said, "You're not from Ontario, are you?


"No", he replied, "I'm actually from Newfoundland."


"I thought so", said the doctor.  "Your finger is broken."


IN A VACUUM


A newfie was playing Trivial Pursuit one night ... It was his turn.  He rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature.
       His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"  He thought for a time and
then asked, "Is it on, or off?"


and FINALLY, 
THE NEWFIE JOKE TO END ALL NEWFIE JOKES . . .


A guy was visiting his newfie friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked him what their names were. 

The newfie replied that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

His friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

"Dat's easy", answered the newfie.  "Dey're watch dogs!"


I'd Like To Add Another Newfie Joke

A policeman in Ontario pulls over a Newfie for speeding, and while he's writing out the ticket a fly was bothering the Cop, so the Newfie says, "Dat's a circle fly, sir."

The policeman asks, "what's a circle fly?"

Newfie replies, "dem are da flies you find in da barn, circlin' around a 'orses ass."

The policeman asks, "are you calling me a horses ass?"

"Oh no, sir . . .  I would never say a t'ing like dat . . . but you can't fool dem flies, sir."


----------



## mike4lorie

One for the Ladies...

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0 


Dear Tech Support, 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance Â– particularly, in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. 


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NHL 5.0 , CFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. 


Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. 

What can I do? 


Signed, Desperate 

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><> 

Dear Desperate: 

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html " and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. 

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. 



Good Luck, Tech Support


----------



## Pappy

There is no way you can't laugh at this one! 
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?"


----------



## Sassycakes

*Once Upon a Time......
There lived a king who had a beautiful daughter, his beautiful princess. But there was a problem. *
*Everything the princess touched would melt.No matter what; metal, wood,plastic - 
anything she touched would melt:
Because of this, men were afraid of her and no one would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king. "If your daughter touches one thing that does not
 melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an 
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. 
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess
 touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the 
substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, 
it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess. 
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. 
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt....
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
 And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
What was the object in the princes pants
They were M&M's.......*
*(get your mind out of the gutter) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand..*


----------



## win231

“What starting salary are you looking for?” the head of human resources asked the newly-graduated engineer at the end of a job interview.

The applicant says, “Well, sir, I was thinking about $200,000.00 depending on the benefits package.”

“Okay," the H.R. director says. “How about three months vacation, 75 paid holidays, full medical & dental & a new Porsche for your company car?”

The applicant gasps & says, “Wow! are you kidding?”

“Yeah," he replies, “But you started it.”


----------



## Pappy

There are several cowmen sitting around in the sale barn waiting for the lightweight calves to run through. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the cowboys picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - "Hello?"
 W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the salebarn?"
 H - "Yep."
 W - "Great! I am at the mall a couple of miles from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
 H - "What's the price?"
 W - "Only $1,900.00."
 H - "Well, OK, i guess go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
 W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2014 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
 H-"What price did he quote you?"
 W - "Only $110,000..."
 H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
 W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
 H - "What?"
 W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, the horse barn, the vineyard, and the fifty acre lake."
 H - "How much are they asking?"
 W - "Only $2.5 million - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
 H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $2.3 million. OK?"
 W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
 H - "Bye...I love u too..."

The cowboy hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


----------



## win231

Three friends from the local congregation were asked:  "When you're in your casket & friends & congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Arte said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader & a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher & servant of God who made a difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I would like them to say, look, he's moving."


----------



## win231

For years, two heroic statues--one male & one female faced each other in a city park.
One day, an angel came down from heaven & said, "You've been such exemplary statues, I'm going to give you a special gift.  I'm going to bring you to life for 30 minutes.  During that time, you can do anything you want."
With a clap of hands, the angel brought them to life.
The two statues dashed into the bushes & there was a lot of giggling, laughter & shaking of branches.  15 minutes later, they emerged from the bushes with grins on their faces.
"You still have 15 more minutes," said the angel with a wink.
Grinning even more, the female statue turned to the male statue & said, "Great!  Only this time, YOU hold the pigeon down & I'll poop on its head."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Lvstotrvl




----------



## Lvstotrvl




----------



## george-alfred

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.


----------



## Lvstotrvl




----------



## win231

An elderly driver is cruising down the freeway when he gets a call from his wife.  She says, "Be careful, honey.  I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77."
"Hell," he says.  "It's not just one car....there's a whole bunch of them."


----------



## win231

A doctor & a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked for advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then asked the lawyer, "How do you handle the situation when you're asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send a bill for the advice," replied the lawyer.
The next morning, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill for $50.00.
That afternoon, he received a bill for $100.00 from the lawyer.


----------



## win231

Things people actually said in court:
Attorney:   "Are you sexually active?"
Witness:    "No, I just lie there."

Attorney:   "Is your appearance here pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to your attorney?"
Witness:    "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Attorney:   "All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you attend?"
Witness:    "Oral."


----------



## win231

A lawyer charged his client $500.00 for legal services.  The client paid him with crisp, new $100.00 bills.
After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two of the bills had stuck together, so he was overpaid $100.00.
The ethical dilemma for the lawyer:  Should he tell his partner?


----------



## win231

A housekeeper worked for a married couple.  She asked the wife for a raise.
"Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
Housekeeper:  "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise.  The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife:  "Who said you iron better than me?"
Housekeeper:   "Your husband said so."
Wife:   "Oh."
Housekeeper:   "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
Wife:  "Nonsense.  Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Housekeeper:   "Your husband did."
Wife:   "Oh."
Housekeeper:   "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
Housekeeper:   "No.  The gardener did."
She got the raise.


----------



## Pappy

A 60 year old man asks his doctor "Do you think I'll live to be 100"?
"Do you drink or smoke"?
"No"
"Lay in the sun all day or carouse in clubs all night"
"No"
"Engage in wild sex"?
"No"
"Stand by the railroad tracks all day, or play with model trains"?
"No"
"Then why do you give a crap"!


----------



## win231

An accountant dies & goes to heaven.  When he reaches the pearly gates, he's amazed to see a happy crowd waving banners & chanting his name.
He says to St. Peter, "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome."
"Well," says St. Peter, "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are, living to the age of 123 & still looking so young."
The man looks even more confused & replies, "What do you mean - 123 years old?  I'm only 40."
 "Impossible," says St. Peter.  "We've seen your time sheets."


----------



## win231

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours & wakes up with a terrible sunburn.
He is admitted to the hospital with second-degree burns.  The doctor orders IV fluids, a sedative & a ****** pill every 4 hours.
The nurse asks, "Doctor, what good will ****** do for him?"
"It will keep the sheets off his legs.


----------



## win231

A manager of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning against a wall.
He asks the clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk explained, "Well, he came in this morning to get something for his cough. We're out of cough syrup so I gave him a bottle of laxative & suggested he drink the whole thing."
"You idiot!" yells the manager. "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Of course you can," says the clerk. "Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"


----------



## Sassycakes

*The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.*
*When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a... well... unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man..."
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes, yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."
"Yes, yes!"*



*"Would you help me move the refrigerator?*


----------



## win231

My ex wife was a very religious cook.
Every dish was a burnt offering or a bloody sacrifice.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache,*
* cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. 
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. 
You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you
 insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.*
*"I did. You're back at work on Monday."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE TO THIS GROUP WHICH I LOVE ❤ SO MUCH! *
*MY HUSBAND SAYS I AM IN THIS GROUP EVERY 20 SECONDS AND HE 
CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND HE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE 
BETWEEN HIM OR THE GROUP. SO I'M GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A 
COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HIS BAGS AND CALL HIM AN UBER!
*
*I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.....*


----------



## Pappy

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelery store in
a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. 
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know, said the old man, 
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'


----------



## Sassycakes

*Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life. *
*When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her:
He said. “Welcome, Elsa. Do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied. “I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once 
in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain 
of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. 
While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” The midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great.” The husband replied. “But I think we have to call for an ambulance.*
* Our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off.” *


----------



## Ruthanne




----------



## Pappy




----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## mike4lorie




----------



## Sassycakes

*Redneck Vasectomy..

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
1...2....3...4...5..
. At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.*
*This procedure also works in Tennessee, Indiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Wayne County, Iowa.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again. She decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you, don't bother coming after me” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. 
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom, she could see him walking towards the dresser and pick up the note... 
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone ; - "she's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. 
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like". 
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. 
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with 
rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote; *
*"I can see your feet. We're out of bread. back in 5 min."*


----------



## Ruthanne




----------



## Sassycakes

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation:
They were determined to make this a real vacation, by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking
straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said. "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father." Nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said. "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father." And started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied. "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.


----------



## Nautilus

An 88 year old man walks in to St. Mary's Catholic church and says to the priest, "I have something to confess."  
The priest replies, "Come over to the confessional and I'll hear your confession."
"I spent the entire night having sex with two 20 year old girls," the old man said.
"That's a serious sin, my son.  Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do an act of contrition," the priest replied.
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not catholic."
"Not catholic? Then why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"


----------



## win231

A guy sticks his head in a barber shop & asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop & says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door & asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop & says, "About an hour."
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the door & asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop & says, "About three hours."
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop & says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy & see where he goes."
An hour later, Bill comes back to the shop & the barber asks, "Where did he go when he left here?"
Bill says, "Your house."


----------



## Furryanimal

Anniversary Celebration 
As they were preparing to cut the cake at their 75th anniversary celebration, the old man nuzzled the old woman's ear and whispered, "Darling, there's a question I've been wanting to ask you all these years. Our eleventh child never did look very much like his siblings. Did he have a different father?"
Lowering her eyes, and hesitating for a moment, the old woman murmured, "Yes, he did dear."
The old man stood there, unable to speak for a moment, until he finally asked, "Who? Who is it?"
"You, dear!" she admitted.


----------



## win231

John was sitting outside his local pub, enjoying a pint of vodka when a nun appears & starts decrying the evils of drink.
_"You should be ashamed of yourself, young man! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" _she says.
John asks, "How do you know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so," replies the nun.
"But have you ever had a drink yourself?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Of course I have never had a drink."
"Then you can't be sure that what you're saying is right. I'll tell you what. Let me buy you a drink. After you've tried it, if you still believe it is evil I will give up drinking for life."
"I'm a nun. What will people think if they see me drinking?"
"I'll get the bartender to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The nun reluctantly agrees, so John walks up to the bartender, lowers his voice & says, "Another pint for me & a triple vodka on the rocks & could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Ah," says the bartender. "That nun again?"


----------



## Pappy

It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.


----------



## Nautilus

Lord Elpus said:


> Roses are red
> Violets are blue
> I'm schizophrenic
> And so am I


You have quoted Oscar Levant


----------



## Pappy

The garbage men were just about to leave the street when a girl came running out of the house carrying some cardboard boxes.'Am I too late for the garbage?' she called.'No,' replied one of the men, 'jump right in!'


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

I saw a woman wearing a blouse that said "Guess" on it.
At the time, I didn't know that "Guess" was a designer brand name, so I said, "Implants?"
Wow...she got really mad!


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

* Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden hedge **after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home. 
When they got to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, 
gave her a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much 
he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented 
his wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised that he 
fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he' d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Dave thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked why she was crying. 
She said, 'This is the worst day of my life. First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle.  *
*Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement.  And now, you come home drunk!'*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*The End is Near!*

*A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

*
*“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”*


----------



## Pecos

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather.

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


----------



## Furryanimal

– A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, “How did you get such a huge orange head?” The guy says, “Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I’ll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire…what is your first wish?’ I said, I’d like all the money I could ever spend.’ The genie went Poof!’, and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?’ I said, I’d like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.’ The genie went Poof!’, and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?’…and I think this is where I went wrong…I said, I’d like a huge orange head.'”


----------



## Sassycakes

George had taken his wife to the theater, but half way through the fist act he was busting for a leak. 
Then at interval he had a difficult time pushing through the crowd trying to find the Gents down one passage and around the next until he was somewhere backstage. 
He was desperate, and when he discovered a fountain, surrounded by foliage, the effect of the tinkling water was the last straw. 
Nobody was about so he took out his willy and pissed into the fountain. It was a great relief.
He took some time finding his way back to his seat and when he sat next to his wife again he whispered, "Have I missed much of this second act?" 
"Missed it?" she said. "You were the star."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*My friend got herself a puppy. It’s so incredibly cute and playful! Unfortunately her husband is allergic so it really doesn’t work out.
If you’re interested, please send a message. His name is Marcel, he’s 54 years old
and he weighs 216 pounds.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.

You don’t need make-up, Jane.

Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!

You need plastic surgery !*

*And that's how the fight started !*


----------



## win231

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of friends late one night.
In the bedroom was a huge brass gong with a mallet.
"Hey, what's with that gong," one of his friends asked.
"That's not a gong; it's a talking clock," replied the drunk.
"How does it work?" the friend asked.
The drunk picked up the mallet & hit the gong as hard as he could.  The noise was ear shattering.
The three of them stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall yelled:  "Hey, you idiot!  It's three o'clock in the morning!"


----------



## win231

A Marine stationed overseas received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home.
It read:  Dear Ricky:
I can no longer continue our relationship.  The distance between us is just too great.  I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone & it's not fair to either of us.  I'm sorry.
Love, Becky.
P.S.  Please return the picture of me that I sent you.

The Marine collected 30 photos of his fellow Marine's girlfriends, aunts & sisters & also included the photo of Becky.  He sent them all to Becky, along with this letter:
Dear Becky:
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are.  Please take your picture from the stack & send the rest back to me.
Take care,
Ricky


----------



## win231

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the police station when they saw pictures of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the kids pointed to a picture & asked if it was really a photo of a wanted person.
"Yes, it is," replied the policeman.  "We're trying very hard to capture him."
Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


----------



## Sassycakes

*A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”*
*
Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”

Girl : No
*
*Psychiatrist: “Yes, that’s why you need a husband.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right*


----------



## win231

Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Honk if you love peace & quiet.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Get a new car for your spouse.  It'll be a great trade.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak.


----------



## Furryanimal

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”


----------



## win231

Two women are chatting over lunch.
One asks, "What would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?"
The other replies: "I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog & call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."


----------



## win231

A guy goes to the supermarket & notices an attractive woman waving at him.  She says, "hello."
She looks familiar but he can't remember where he knows her from.
He asks, "Do you know me?"
She relies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now, he thinks back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife & says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching?"
"No," she says.  "I'm your son's teacher."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

I thought this was funny today,after I got 3 emails that were spam.

*Whenever I feel depressed in life.. I open my E-Mail spam inbox
I find:*
** 10 banks are giving me easy loans.
* I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.
* 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.
* 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.
* Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall.
* 3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.*
** And Approx 40-50 mails from different girls who are feeling lonely and want to meet me.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE.*
*It means, ‘Without Information Fighting Every time’
WIFE says: No, it means ‘With Idiot for Ever’
Happy New Year 2020
*
*And that's how the fight started !*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A friend asks his friend 4 a cigarette. His friend says *
*I think u made a New Yr resolution 2 quit smoking. 
Da man says. I am in da process of quitting. Right now 
I am in da middle of phase 1. What's phase 1? *
*I've quit buying*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.*
*What's bothering you so, dear? inquired Farther O'Grady.
Oh, father, I've got terrible news. Replied Mary.
Well what is it, Mary? Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.
Oh, Mary said the father, that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?
Well, yes he did father, replied Mary.
What did he ask, Mary?*



*Mary replied, He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'*


----------



## Lvstotrvl




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*A Beautiful young lady went to a dance and she had a low-cut strapless gown on. *
*Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. 
All night she noticed a young man staring at her. 
In her embarrassment she held up the airplane and said,.. “Oh you like my airplane huh?”

^
^
^
^*
*The young man smiled mischievously. “No ma’am… I was just admiring the landing field.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A married man was visiting his “girlfriend”,
When she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love
to see your handsome face.” James replied, “My wife loves this beard.
I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!” “Oh please?”
the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice… “Really, I can’t,”
he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!” The girlfriend asked once more,
he sighed and finally gave in. That night James crawled into bed next
to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward
felt his face and said,“Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!” *


----------



## Catlady

A blonde is having computer problems and calls a tech.  He tells her to do something with the mouse on the left side of the screen.  She asks him, "Your left or my left?"


----------



## Lvstotrvl




----------



## Lvstotrvl




----------



## Catlady




----------



## Catlady




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Catlady




----------



## Lvstotrvl




----------



## Lvstotrvl




----------



## RadishRose

Catlady said:


> View attachment 86943


----------



## Catlady




----------



## win231

Whoever said "Out of sight, out of mind" never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.


----------



## Catlady




----------



## Lvstotrvl




----------



## Catlady




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

AND NOW FOR "DUMMIES OF THE DAY":
9-1-1 Calls
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.............
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn.....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No, I'm a Methodist
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.


----------



## Sassycakes

A Blonde Lady failed the written Driving Test 4 times.
At the Fifth attempt, she was determined to pass:
But the test had the same question. "You are driving at 100 mph. 
On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road you see an Old Man 
and a Young Man. What will you hit?
The Woman walked up to the Examiner and said. "I've answered this question 
all four ways, Wall, Cliff's, Old Man and Young Man, yet I failed all Four times. How is this possible?
What am I supposed to hit?"
The Examiner replied. "The Brakes!"


----------



## Sassycakes

*The Ex-wife*
*Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. 
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads
for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
 After along period of silence she finally speaks:
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time 
you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. 
Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says. "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!." She screams. "I didn't know you were married before!"*
*"I wasn't."*


----------



## win231

A lawyer is questioning a witness during a trial.
He says, "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."
The witness replies, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."


----------



## win231

An accused murderer’s defense attorney was questioning a pathologist who performed the autopsy.
Lawyer: “Doctor, Before performing the autopsy, did you check the victim for a pulse?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s respiration?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s blood pressure?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, doctor, you never really established that the victim was dead, did you?”
Pathologist: “Well, his brain was in a jar next to the table, but I suppose he could still be out there practicing law.”


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Ken N Tx

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."


----------



## Pappy

This is what all of us 70 to 90+ year OLDs have to look forward to!!

This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there had small apartments but they all ate at a central cafeteria One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room but found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time.
He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs, and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first stair step, so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know all the facts.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy

So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over. "Eh, what you doing? How come you're throwing away all those nails? " he asked. "Because they're upside down," the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, "You Idiot, save them for the ceiling! "


----------



## Sassycakes

*Can people really be this dumb ?*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## win231

At the supermarket, I saw a woman wearing a white blouse.  In big, black letters, it said on it:  _"Men are the worst liars."_
I said to her, _"You are absolutely gorgeous."_


----------



## Ken N Tx

Sassycakes said:


> *Can people really be this dumb ?*


And they walk among us!!!!!


----------



## Sassycakes

*Wife- Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.*
*Husband-  You don’t need make-up, Jane.
Wife-  Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
Husband- You need plastic surgery.*


*And that my friends is how the fight started !*


----------



## win231

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confession booth, sits down, but doesn't say anything.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the guy just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds on the wall three times.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."


----------



## win231

A Priest is driving down the highway & gets stopped for speeding.
The officer smells alcohol on the Priest's breath & sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.  He asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the Priest.
The cop says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The Priest looks at the bottle & says, "Good Lord!  He's done it again!"


----------



## win231

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway.  Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window & says, "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton. They're asking for 10 million dollars ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline & set them on fire.  We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much have you collected, so far?"
"About a gallon."


----------



## Pappy

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this. " He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny? " The truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times. "


----------



## TravelinMan

_People who live in glass houses.........might as well answer the door.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory......You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot......but I always found them.

I am a man of my word......and that word is "unreliable".

I like to go into the body shop and yell......"I've already got one!"

Big families are like waterbed stores:.......They used to be everywhere and now they’re just weird. 

It's not that I am afraid to die......I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that is 40,000 pieces........When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.”  

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests in a restaurant.......because the customer is always right.

The robe is a lazy man's.......tuxedo.

I found there is only one way to look thin:......hang out with fat people.

I'd hate to be a giraffe......with a sore throat.

When someone close to you dies......move seats.

If God had wanted us to fly......he would have given us tickets!

When you go to the mind reader......do you get half price?

How do you know when fish goes bad?......It smells like fish either way.

Bad taste is simply saying the truth......before it should be said._


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*Good news: Your wife is pregnant, yay!*
*Bad news: She’s expecting triplets.
Terrible news: You’ve had vasectomy…
------------------------------------------------------

Good news: Your wife won’t talk to you.
Bad news: She wants a divorce.
Terrible news: She’s a Lawyer

-------------------------------------------------



Why does psychoanalysis work quicker with men than with women?
Because when it's time to return to one’s childhood,
the man is already there.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------*
*
Sugar, can you lend me 15 dollars? I want to buy a case of beer.
No darling. I wanted to buy myself some make-up because I want to look pretty for you.
Sugar, that’s exactly why I wanted to buy those beers.*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. They continue shopping....
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
 Her husband says, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."


----------



## Yosh

Two men were walking down the street, one with a German Shepard and the other with a Dachshund. They passed a bar and the man with the German Shepard said, "Let's get a beer". The other man said, "They won't serve us with these dogs", and the man with the German Shepard said, "Watch this". He put on a pair of dark glasses and walked into the bar with his German Shepherd. The bartender said, "You can't be in here with a dog. Get out.", and the man with the German Shepherd said, "This is my seeing eye dog". The bartender said, "Well, okay then. What will you have?"

The man with the Dachshund saw this and thought, "Oh well. I'll give it a try" so he put on a pair of sun glasses and went into the bar with his Dachshund. Again the bartender said, "You can't bring a dog in here. Please get out". The man said, "but this is my seeing eye dog". The bartender looked at the dog and said, "but that is a Dachshund". The man said incredulously, "They gave me a Dachshund?!"


----------



## Catlady

I love you from the bottom of my heart, there's two other people in the upper part.


----------



## Gardenlover

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see

How do you make Holy Water? You burn the hell out of it.


----------



## pleinmont

*If men gave birth

The world would be under populated.
No family greater than one child.
As the labour was unendurable and unrepeatable.

If men gave birth
Tales of courage and suffering bravely borne
Would pale the faces of the uninitiated.
The Victoria Cross in the face of such fortitude, commonplace.

If men gave birth
In the clubs and pubs through out the land,
Stretch marks would be revealed and measured
To the admiring gaze of the cognoscenti.

If men gave birth
Eighteen years of paternity leave a right
Generous Allowances, benefits and tax breaks
To be expected by the paternal heroes.

If men gave birth
Who would raise the precious offspring?
The fathers worn out by being enceinte for nine months.
The answer is obvious, the answer is plain, WOMEN.
 RJG
 *​


----------



## Sassycakes

*There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept *
* confessing to adultery:
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said. "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said. *
*"I don’t know what you’re laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."*


----------



## win231

A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf.
They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up so they complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.
The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them."
The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”


----------



## win231

A married woman is cheating on her husband but she doesn’t know that her 6 yr-old son is hiding in the closet watching.
Suddenly the front door opens & the wife says: “Oh, no, my husband came home early; you better hide in the closet.” Just as the boyfriend closes the closet door, he hears a little voice next to him: “It’s dark in here.”
The boyfriend sees the little boy next to him & says: “Shhhh...your father is out there & if he sees me, he’ll kill me.”
The kid says: “It’s dark in here.”
The boyfriend says: “Look, I’ll give you $10.00, just be quiet.”
The kid says a little louder: “It’s dark in here.”
The boyfriend says: “Here’s $50.00, just be quiet.” The kid says “OK” & takes the money. Later, the boyfriend runs out the back door.
The next day, the father is about to go shopping & his kid says: “Daddy, I want to go with you.” At the store, the kid sees a bicycle he really wants & says: “Daddy, can I have that bicycle?”
The father says: “I’m sorry, son, it cost $50.00 & I can’t afford it, maybe we’ll get it for Christmas.
The kid takes the $50.00 out of his pocket & says: “Here’s $50.00, daddy; buy the bike.
The father says: “Where did you get that money?”
The kid says: “I can’t tell you.”
The father says: “You better tell me!”
The kid says: “No, I’ll never, ever tell you!”
The father takes the kid to a church next door & tells the priest: “I want to know where my son got $50.00.”
The priest takes the kid into the confession booth & slides the door shut,
The kid looks up at the priest & says: “It’s dark in here.”
The priest says: _“Don’t you start that shit again!”_


----------



## jerry old

Sassycakes: post on Pillsbury Dough boy way cute.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Oldguy

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house…………. and left it there all night.


----------



## Sassycakes

*A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.*
*
The Mormon was seated next to the Irishman on a flight from London to
the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.*
*The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*Second Opinion!*
*EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor seen me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?", and, with a bit of an attitude, he said, "and just how, may I ask, did a Bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."*
*IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION *!!


----------



## win231

Recently a _"Husband Super Store"_ opened where women could choose a husband from among many men. The store was laid out in five floors with the men increasing in positive attributes with each higher floor.
There were only two rules:
1. Once a door was opened, the woman HAD to choose a man from that floor.
2. If a woman went up a floor, she couldn't go back down except to leave the store & never return.
A couple of women went to the store to find husbands.
On the first floor, the door had a sign that read: _"These men have jobs & love kids."_

After reading the sign, the women said, "Well, that's OK but I wonder what's further up."
Second Floor - The sign read: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids & are extremely good looking." “Hmmmmm," said the ladies. "But I wonder what's further up."
Third Floor - The sign read: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking & help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women. "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so up they went.
Fourth Floor - this door had a sign that read: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework & are very romantic."

"Oh, mercy me," they cried. "Just think what must be awaiting us on the next floor!!" So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth Floor - the sign on that door said: _"This floor is empty & exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is on your left. Goodbye."_


----------



## Sassycakes

*A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”*
*His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”*
*Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook…”*


----------



## Ken N Tx

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.


----------



## Sassycakes

*Confession 
A man walks into confession and says "Father, forgive me because I have sinned." "Oh? What have you done?" asks the priest "I'm a doctor and I slept with one of my patients." replies the doctor The priest replies "My son, it's not very good, but you're forgiven. You are not the first doctor to sleep with a patient. I've heard different confessions about it." 
"Yes, but I am a veterinarian."*


----------



## Pappy

After a "moment of intimacy", my wife slapped me on the back and said "Whoo!  There's my Superman"



I said "You call me Superman because I'm your man of steel?"



She said "no"



"Is it because I can leap tall buildings in a single bound?"

"no"

"Am I more powerful than a locomotive?"

"Only when you don't shower"

"Then why am I your Superman?"

"Because you're faster than a speeding bullet."


----------



## win231




----------



## win231

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'


----------



## Pinky

win231 said:


> An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
> He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
> After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
> The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
> In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
> 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
> 
> 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
> 
> 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
> 
> 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
> 
> 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
> 
> 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
> 
> Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
> 
> The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'


I'm only laughing because I'm a brunette   I think you may in trouble!


----------



## Lvstotrvl




----------



## Buckeye

This is not a joke but I didn't know were else to ask - my lovely, blonde, SO has been sitting alone for about an hour, trying to figure out why she only has 3 sisters, and her brother has 4.  What should I do?


----------



## jerry old

I only have five fingers on my hand, how am I supposed to figure it out.
maybe, drawn an outline with my hand, then put my hand, oh never mind,
I prefer ignorance
Oh yea, Im blond, ease off, were jjust as smart an other folks


----------



## Sassycakes

*Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan, Lancashire,*
*along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.Vicky described him clearly and in detail,
 'He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.Pauline interrupts her protesting, 
'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, *
*and is horrid to your children.Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'*


----------



## Aunt Bea

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
“Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man groaned but didn’t budge.
The usher became more impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
“All right buddy what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.
“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
“The balcony.”
,


----------



## Sassycakes

*Subject: What a coincidence !*
*A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said
"How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, 
" It is a special day for me. I am celebrating."
 "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.
While they toasted, the farmer asked,
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, 
and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant," she replied.
"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is incredible," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," he said.*
*The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence.*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling." He says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead, but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it." He says. "Because I've been having an affair with your best friend and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house." He says insistently. Up to 60mph.
"I want the car, too." He continues..
65 mph
"And." He says. "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cars and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." She says.
"Oh, really?" He inquires. "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag!"*


----------



## Ken N Tx

Global Facts About Sex
At Any Given Moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading Senior Forums

You hang in there, Sunshine .....


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## Pappy

A chicken walks into a library and up to the desk.



"Buk", says the chicken.  So the librarian gives him a book.  The chicken leaves with the book.  He returns five minutes later.  "Buk," he says.  So the librarian gives him another book.  This goes on about eight more times, until finally the librarian leaves the library and goes outside.  In behind the library is a pond.  The chicken is standing on the edge of the pond throwing the books, one at a time, to a frog out on a lilypad.  The chicken is saying "Buk, Buk", as he throws each book.  The frog throws the books behind him and says "reddit, reddit".


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## win231

For decades, two statues, one male & one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"Since you've been such exemplary statues, I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes & during that time, you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

They immediately dashed for the bushes with grins on their faces. There was lots of giggling & shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, they emerged from the bushes with smiles on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking.

The female statue turned to the male statue & said, "Great! Only this time, _you _hold the pigeon down & _I'll_ poop on its head."


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## Catlady

One poster on a forum posted this below, they were discussing how to keep gray hair shiny and without yellow streaks.  LOL

"Women would compliment my wife's "highlights" or GRAY hair streaks and they'd ask her "Who colors your hair?" My wife says "My husband." They ask "Oh, is he a Hair stylist?" She says "No, just married to him". Some get the "Joke" and some don't."


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## Sassycakes

*There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control **they have over their wives,
while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, 
what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on 
her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. *
*“She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”*


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## win231

Three guys frequent a Chinese restaurant. They constantly give the poor waiter a hard time – demanding water & tea refills every few minutes, hardly spending any money, making a big mess at the table, making fun of the waiter’s Chinese accent & never leaving a tip.
The waiter never complains.
Finally, after many such visits, one of the jerks says to the waiter: “We feel bad about how we’ve been treating you, so from now on we’re going to respect you & today, we’re even going to leave you a big tip.
“Ah, wonderful,” says the waiter. “Now I can stop pissing in your tea.”


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## Pappy

A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's first wish was to get out of the pit. **POOF** He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world. **POOF** The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, etc. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to sing along: 'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...'


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## Sassycakes

*A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.'
They are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case,
please send the bill to my brother-in-law."*


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## Sassycakes

* A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.*
*"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
 I've been trying to do **that for years!"*


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## Sassycakes




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## win231

While driving through an intersection, I saw the flash of a traffic camera.

I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit even though I knew I was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

I thought this was funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.


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## Pappy

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.


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## Sassycakes

*A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."*
*The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. *
*He's the one shaving you."*


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## Sassycakes




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## Pappy

Groan..... There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S ". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'? "The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving. "Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go! "


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## toffee




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## Sassycakes

* A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
“Wow, thank you.”, said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest
to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. *
*“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up.”,
said the priest. “Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? 
After all I was a priest, went to church every day,
and preached God’s word.” * * **


*“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept.
When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!” *


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## RubyK

Can You Hear Me??????

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?” She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”


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## RubyK

Heaven Joke

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God,  I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the  ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.


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## toffee

Ken N Tx said:


> View attachment 58062


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## Sassycakes

*A woman and her husband interrupted their holiday to go to the dentist: *
*"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Anesthetic because I'm in a big hurry.
" The woman said.
"Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." 
The dentist was quite impressed.
"You're certainly a courageous woman. " He said. "Which tooth is it?" *
*The woman turned to her husband and said. "Show him your tooth, dear.".....*.


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## Pappy

A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's first wish was to get out of the pit. **POOF** He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world. **POOF** The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, etc. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to sing along: 'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...'


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## oldman

Maybe this one has already been posted:

Sheriff: So, your report states that you arrested a cleaning woman for shooting a man who walked on her freshly mopped floor. Is that correct?

Deputy: Yes, Sir, that is correct.

Sheriff: The report also states that it took you 20 minutes before you arrested her. Is that correct?

Deputy: Yes, Sir, that is correct.

Sheriff: Well, just one question. Why did it take you 20 minutes to arrest her?

Deputy: Because the floor was still wet.


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## RubyK

~ How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

~ How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

~How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

~What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

~ What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

~What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

~ What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

~ What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko..

~What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk..

~ What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

~Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

~ Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

~ What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

~ Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

~ How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer


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## RubyK

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”


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## Ken N Tx




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## Pappy

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,



'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' 



My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'



We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'



We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR



'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 

'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' 



I looked at her and said, 

'Go over and ask him if  every time was with the same old cow.' 



My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.


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## Sassycakes

*A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was, and he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister in in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too." The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question, he would go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Johnny: "9" Principal: "6 x 6" Johnny: "36" And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour, he told the teacher, "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right." The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree. Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?" Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I dont have?" the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering, Johnny says, "pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.*


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## Aunt Bea




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## Pappy




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## Autumn72

Pappy said:


> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*1. Two guys were discussing current trends on sex, marriage and family values.*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife till after we were married, did you ?*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*Jim replied, "I'm not sure what was her maiden name ?"*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
> [/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*2. A very bright little boy ask his mother, "mom were did my intelligence come from ?*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*His mother replied, "you must have gotten it from your father, I still have mine."*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
> [/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*3. "Mr. Clark I have reviewed this case very carefully", the divorce judge said, " and I have decided to give your wife $800.00 per week."*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*"that's very kind of you Your Honor", replied Mr. Clark, "I'll try and send her a few bucks also."*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
> [/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*4. A doctor examining a man that had been rushed to the emergency room called the wife aside and said, "ma'am I'm sorry but I don't like the looks of your husband".*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*The wife replied, "me either but he's a good provider and great with our children".*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
> [/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*5. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "can you tell me how long it will take to fly from New York to Dallas ?"*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*The busy ticket agent replies, "just a minute."*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*The blonde says, "thank you" and hangs up.*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
> [/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*6. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the death of Juan Gonzalez.*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*"How do you think he was killed ?", asks one detective.*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*The other detective replies, "with a golf gun".*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*"A golf gun, what on earth is a golf gun ?"*[/FONT][/FONT]
> [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]*"I'm not sure but it sure made a hole in Juan".*[/FONT][/FONT]


Number 4, is my mother test her soul.


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes

*Memorial stone!*

*Sam died. His Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats!" 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			



*


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## Furryanimal

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the effing potatoes!"

(cleaned up a bit!)


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## Pappy

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? "~~~The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing. "


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## Ken N Tx

Pappy said:


> Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? "~~~The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing. "


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## Pappy




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## Furryanimal




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## Sassycakes

*A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, **the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over and asks the man why he didn’t stop at the stop sign.
“It’s the same thing,” the lawyer stated, “I don’t believe there is a difference 
between stop and slow down.”
“Allow me to prove it to you,” the policeman said. He asks the lawyer to step 
out of his car and suddenly starts hitting him with his baton.
After a lot of pain that the lawyer endured, the policeman asked him, *
*“Now do you  want me to stop, or slow down?”*


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## Sassycakes

*A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune.
So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me!"
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said!..
"You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and your are going to Chicago, Illinois!"
She sat back down and thought about it.*
*
She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and you are going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle!"
The nun said to herself. "I I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."
She sat down again. From nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said! "This is incredible. I've got to try it again!"
Back to the machine. *
*She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said........
"You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind!"
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong!
"I never broke wind in public a day in my life!"
Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself.....
"This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again!"
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!"*


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## Gardenlover




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## win231

PEOPLE WHO ARE STOCKPILING TOILET PAPER SHOULD ALSO STOCKPILE CONDOMS
SO THEY DON'T MAKE MORE STUPID PEOPLE.


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## Pappy




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## Gardenlover




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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes




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## Gardenlover

Humor helps - especially mine.


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## Gardenlover

Humor helps - especially mine.


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## Gardenlover

Humor helps - especially mine.


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## Sassycakes




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## Furryanimal

A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.

He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."

"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

"TWO!" Everybody braces for impending doom.

"Here it comes... THR..."

He is interrupted by a man in the saloon, "Wait! It was just a joke mister. Your horse is right out back... By the way, what'd you do in '71?"

The cowboy looks him dead in the eye and says, "I had to walk home."


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes

*When my wife and I got married,*
*we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most 
like to have sex with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other 
wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). 
For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. *
*So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.*


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## Sassycakes

*Two Irishmen Paddy and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house:*
*At full time Paddy gets up to go home, but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.
"Stay the night here Paddy." Says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."
When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone.
Mick says. "What the Heck happened to you?"*
*Paddy replies. "I went home for my pajamas."*


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## Furryanimal

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were good friends. Larry was a nice, law abiding, charitable crustacean. Sam was on most days a dirt bag bivalve. Well, Sam gets his and winds up way downstairs. A few years later Larry passes on and arrives at the Pearly Gates. Because he was such a good guy, not only is he given the standard equipment - wings, halo, harp -, he's granted one wish. He decides he'd like most of all to see his old friend, Sam, again. Hey presto, he's in hell where he meets Sam who is running a disco. They spend the day together, then Larry goes back to heaven. When he arrives at the Gates, St Pete asks him, "Larry, haven't you forgotten something?" Larry answers, "Oh goodness, I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco."


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## Sassycakes

*Tyler and his wife Kallie go to Las Vegas. They get to their room and they find a *
*card for a prostitute. Kallie cannot believe it and wants to see if the prostitute 
will really come. Tyler calls the number on the card and says "Can you come to 
Trump Hotel, room 1445?"
An hour later they hear a knock on the door and Kallie hides in the bathroom. 
A woman comes in and says "Hi. My name is Destiny."
Tyler asks her "How much do you charge?"
The prostitute replies "$500 per hour."
Tyler says "I was thinking more around $25" and the prostitute looks at him disguised and walks out.*
*Later Tyler and Kallie are at the bar getting drinks and Destiny walks up to Tyler and
says "See, that's what $25 gets you!"*


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## win231

I drove by the fire station yesterday.
They had a big public-awareness sign outside that read: _"Are Your House Numbers Visible?"_
I thought, "Who the hell cares? Why don't they just stop at the house that's on fire?"


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## win231

A minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight.  After the plane was airborne, the flight attendants started taking orders for drinks.

The hillbilly asked for a whiskey & soda which was brought & placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
"He replied in disgust: _"I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."_

The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant & said, _"Hell, me too! I didn't know we had a choice."_


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## Sassycakes

*(The maid has just asked for a raise)*
*
Mrs. Smith: "Why do you think you deserve a raise?"
Maid: "I have three reasons. The first is that I cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith: "Who told you that?"
Maid: "Your husband did. The second reason is that I clean better than you do."
Mrs. Smith: "Who told you that?"
Maid: "Your husband did. The final reason is that I am better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith: "I suppose my husband said that too?!"
Maid: "No, the gardener."*
*Mrs. Smith: "How much do you want?"*


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## Sassycakes

*A man and his wife have been having some problems in bed so one day the woman tells her husband,
"Maybe you should get some pills to help you out." He agrees.*
*When he gets home from work she asks him if he got the pills.
He replies, "Yeah, here you go," and with this he throws her
a bottle of diet pills.
*
*And that is how the fight started.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Thomas was out of work with the flu for a couple of weeks. *
*When he gets back to work his friend Joe asks him, 
"Hey, are you doing okay?"
Thomas replies, "It was the best!"
Joe replies, "What? Weren't you sick?"
"My wife truly loves me," Thomas explains, *
*"Every time a delivery guy or the mailman came to the door she would run to the door yelling,
'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"*


----------



## win231

Three rough-looking bikers walk into a diner where an old man is having breakfast. One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits into his coffee. The third biker dumps his whole plate on the floor.
Without saying a word, the old guy pays his bill & leaves.
"Not much of a man, was he?” says one biker to the waitress.
“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”


----------



## Sassycakes

*A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those Headaches *
*I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
 “No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
 His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. 
He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,…
 “I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.
 It Worked! The headaches are all gone.” The husband replies,
 “Well, that is wonderful.” His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t 
been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. 
Why don’t you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything 
for that?” The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment, 
The husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and 
carries her into the bedroom.
 He Puts her on The bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
 He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later 
and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before. 
His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!” The husband says, 
“Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back Into the bathroom, 
comes back and round two was even better than The First time. 
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says,
 “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With That, He goes back in the bathroom. 
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, 
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,  
“She’s not my Wife. She’s Not my wife. She’s not my wife"
*
*
*
*

*
*His funeral services will be held on Friday.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*   A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?’*
*The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ...... 
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. 
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did. 
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. 
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.’ 
'And here I am.' 
*
*Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!!!*


----------



## Sassycakes

*    A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.*
*"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."*
*"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom.*


----------



## Em in Ohio

Sassycakes said:


> View attachment 58585


What creative genius thought these up?  Brilliant!


----------



## Sassycakes

*A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.*
*“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”
“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered.
 Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra,
her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! 
For five years I have not seen any man!”
“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.*
*“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  One day a boy asked his father, “Dad, what is between moms legs?” The father reply, “The door to heaven!”*
*“Then what is between yours?” – the boy asked. The father said, “The key to the door!” Then the boy said, *
*“I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.”*


----------



## Pappy

Do you fart in bed ?

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## In The Sticks

All of us who are stuck at home should call random numbers in India and ask them about their extended car warranty


----------



## Ken N Tx

In The Sticks said:


> All of us who are stuck at home should call random numbers in India and ask them about their extended car warranty


Do not disturb them!!! I got only 2 robo calls in 3 weeks!!!


----------



## Pappy

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle " attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price! "The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one! "Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either! "


----------



## Em in Ohio

Pappy said:


> Do you fart in bed ?
> 
> If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
> 
> Every morning
> 
> she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”


Oh My!  /-;   (I hope this is not a mental picture that will stick in my head!)


----------



## Sassycakes

*A Chinese saw Steven Spielberg in hotel Ambassador, as he was a fan of Steven, *
*he asked for his autograph. 
Instead, Steven gave a slap and said, “you bombed our Pearl Harbor.”
Heart broken, the Chinese said, “it was the Japanese, not us.”
Steven said, “Japanese, Chinese, Bhutanese, your all the same.”
Angry, the Chinese slapped Steven and said, “You sank the Titanic, 
my fore fathers were in the ship.”
Surprised, Steven replied, “It was not me, it was the iceberg.” *
*The Chinese said, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, your all the same.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*8 things you’ll never hear a man say:*
*
8) Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!
5) While I’m up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn’t that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let’s watch Melrose Place.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.

8 things you’ll never hear a woman say:

8) What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.
6) Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being ‘just friends’.
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to    
get there.
2) I don’t care if it’s on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
1) Don't dirty your T-shirt wiping that up. Use my blouse*


----------



## In The Sticks

Wife: Do you drink beer?
Husband: Yes

Wife: How many beers a day?
Husband: Usually about three

Wife: How much do you pay per beer?
Husband: $5.00 which includes a tip

Wife: And how long have you been drinking?
Husband: About 20 years, I suppose

Wife: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.  In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Husband: Correct

Wife: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Husband: Correct

Wife: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?


Husband: Do you drink beer?
Wife: No.

Husband: Where is your airplane?


----------



## win231

Wife to husband:  "Can I ask just one question?"
Husband:  "Yes, but no more than one.  And anyway, you've just used up that limit."
Wife:  "Damn!  Can I ask just one more?"
Husband:  "OK, but again - you already have."


----------



## Pappy

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelery store in

a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. 

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There was only $25 in your account.'

'I know, said the old man, 

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'


----------



## Furryanimal

*A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City,… Where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch… You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor,.. But you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband… On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord. She then goes to the second floor,… The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. She thinks for a while, and then goes to the third floor,… The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with the housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay,… But she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Floor 6 – You are visitor no. 43,630,912 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day! Source: https://www.mr-funny.com Source: https://www.mr-funny.com*


----------



## Ken N Tx

Pappy said:


> A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelery store in
> 
> a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
> 
> He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
> 
> The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
> 
> At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
> 
> 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
> 
> The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
> 
> The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
> 
> The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
> 
> On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There was only $25 in your account.'
> 
> 'I know, said the old man,
> 
> 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'


----------



## win231

A man asked his wife to pack for him for a weekend fishing trip. She gladly obliged with clothes, toiletries, all the fishing gear he asked for - rods, reels, tackle box.
At the last moment, he said, "Please pack my new silk pajamas, would you?"
This made her somewhat suspicious but she did as he asked.
When he returned, looking very refreshed, she asked if he caught a lot of fish.
"Oh, yes," he said. "Three walleyes, four or five bass, it was great......but, you know.....you forgot to pack my new silk pajamas."
"No I didn't," she said. "They're in your tackle box."


----------



## Sassycakes

*A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his*
*ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house.
The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window.
Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but
no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window
he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor.
Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to
apologize for breaking his window and the vase.
The man inside the house says, “No, don’t apologize, I am a genie
and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have
rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three
wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would
like to keep one for myself.”
He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and
said, “I wish for a million dollars.”
The genie waves his hand and said, “A million dollars, it’s yours,
it has been deposited into your bank account.”
He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, “I wish for a
condominium in Hawaii.”
The genie waves his hand and says, “A condominium in Hawaii, it’s
yours.” The genie continues, “Now it is my turn.” He thinks for
awhile and says, “You know its been 10,000 years since I have had
a woman, could I make love to your wife?”
The man thinks for a while and says, “Honey, he gave us a million
dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is
make love to him.”
She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.
After making passionate love, the woman says, “I can’t believe
that my husband let you do this to me.”



The genie says, “And I can’t believe that your husband still*
*believes in genies.”*


----------



## Pappy

Time for a easter joke



So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.



I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.



I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "



Then it hits me, I can fix this.



I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.



As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !



He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.



The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"



I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.



I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story


----------



## win231

A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
"Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
She got the raise.


----------



## mike4lorie

Subject: It's Canadian classic folk!!!!!

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA, and I'm driving the f------ SALT TRUCK......."


----------



## mike4lorie

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm horribly sick!"

The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?"

"No, I drove here."


----------



## mike4lorie

Todd and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Todd's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." Todd's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......", then the electric power goes out. Todd's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don' know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in Todd's voice, like all the men who are married to blondes exhibit, Todd says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.


----------



## mike4lorie

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.


----------



## Pappy

Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.



"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.



"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."



"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."



Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.



At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.



"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"



Olaf just waves and walks off.



"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"



She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx

Pappy said:


> View attachment 99204


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young *
*lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner 
dress into pajamas and slippers, 
fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV then her 
doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at *
*her and gasped, “I’m two hours late… and you’re still not ready!?”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A little girl was asking her teacher.*
*Girl: “Can my mom get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your mom?”
Girl: “She’s 40!”
Teacher: Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can my sister get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your sister?”
Girl: “She’s 18.”
Teacher: “Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can I get pregnant?
Teacher: “How old are you?”
Girl: “I’m 12.”
Teacher: “No you cannot get pregnant.”
A lil boy sitting behind the lil girl said, “I told you we have nothing to worry about.”*
*The teacher fainted.*


----------



## Pappy

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."


----------



## Sassycakes

*"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. *
*It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. 
They take her into the living room, get out several other books, 
and explain all they think she should know about ****** attraction, 
affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile 
contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks. 
"Not really," the little girl says. *
*"Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

The Hypochondriac

Danny was an extremely nervous patient whose imagination afflicted him with all kinds of misfortunes that never materialised. One afternoon he staggered into the house. He was bent forwards. He tottered to a chair and, still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it.

'Jenny,' he gasped, 'it's happened at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn't straighten up. I can't lift my head.'

When the doctor had arrived and looked at Danny, Jenny inquired, 'Is there any hope, doc?'

'Well,' the GP replied, 'it would help a great deal if he would undo the third buttonhole of his waistcoat from the top button of his trousers.'


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. *
*Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested. The next week, 
John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” 
he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! *
*He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend. “I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy




----------



## MickaC




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

* She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car *
*and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." 
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some Help.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up,
driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
He got off of his cycle and asked, if she needs help?*
*She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick.*
*I've locked my keys in the car. *
*I must get home. 
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, Sure.
"He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You God, 
for sending me such a very nice man."
The Biker heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man.
I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God!*
*You even sent me a Professional!"*


----------



## Liberty




----------



## Sassycakes

*  An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed, *
*"Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me."
The grandson smiles weakly and replies, "But Grandpa, I really don’t like guns. 
How about leaving me your ROLEX watch instead?"
Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice, "Shuddup an lissin. 
Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, 
lotsa money, a biga home, and maybe a couple of bambinos."
After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues, "Somma day you gonna 
comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda *
*you gonna do then...pointa to your watch and say 'Time's up?"*


----------



## mike4lorie

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?' 


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms.
Brooks, he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.


Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' 

Harry: '9..' 

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' 

Harry: '36.' 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rdgrade'

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'

The principal and Harry both agree. 

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' 

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..' 


Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! 


Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief..... 


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' 


Harry: 'Pants.' 


By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open... 

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' 

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.' 

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question......


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.' 

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, 

" Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself ..."


----------



## mike4lorie

If you think the world went crazy over toilet paper... Wait to see what happens when 300 million people want a haircut...

Commercials in 2030 will be like: Were YOU or someone you know overly exposed to Hand Sanitizer, Lysol, Bleech during the 2020 Coronavirus pandemic? If so you may be eligible for compensation...

This quarantine has made me realize I have no hobbies besides going out to eat and spending

Gonna ask my Grandpa if that offer of knocking me into next year is still on the table...

Found $20 in the park... Asked myself what Jesus would do... So I turned it into wine...


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

A drunk walks into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, walks over to her & kisses her.
She jumps up & slaps him across the face.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I thought you were my wife. You look just like her.”
“Get away from me, you drunken slob,” she yells.
“Wow,” he says. “You even sound like her.”


----------



## Sassycakes

*My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs*
* that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy 
with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading 
this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that 
I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the 
Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter 
on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty 
about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity 
to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a 
math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that 
while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, 
one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. 
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. 
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, 
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although
with one small difference - 
18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. *
*Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow..*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

The Hypochondriac

Danny was an extremely nervous patient whose imagination afflicted him with all kinds of misfortunes that never materialised. One afternoon he staggered into the house. He was bent forwards. He tottered to a chair and, still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it.

'Jenny,' he gasped, 'it's happened at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn't straighten up. I can't lift my head.'

When the doctor had arrived and looked at Danny, Jenny inquired, 'Is there any hope, doc?'

'Well,' the GP replied, 'it would help a great deal if he would undo the third buttonhole of his waistcoat from the top button of his trousers.'


----------



## Pappy

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."


----------



## Sassycakes

*Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday *
*morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
What's bothering you so, dear? inquired Farther O'Grady.
Oh, father, I've got terrible news. Replied Mary.
Well what is it, Mary? Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.
Oh, Mary said the father, that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?
Well, yes he did father, replied Mary.
What did he ask, Mary?*
*Mary replied, He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'*


----------



## Sassycakes

* A  lawyer’s name was Strange. When he died his friend asked the tombstone *
*maker to write, “Here lies Strange, an honest person, and a lawyer.”
The tombstone maker warned that this statement can be very confusing, 
as anyone who passes by grave would think that three men were buried 
in a single grave. However, he suggested another statement,
 “Here lies a person who was not only honest but also a good lawyer."*
*This way, whenever people walk by his grave and read it, they will say, “That’s strange!”*


----------



## oldman

*The Following is sad, but TRUE!

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007*

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls
into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's
shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack
hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called
in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark
shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they
arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both
expelled even though Johnny started it and Mark was just defending himself.


Scenario 3:


Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts
other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and
given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still
and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He
becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money
from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his
Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up
normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.
Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is
told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad
goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.


Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to
school

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal
out on the smoking dock.

2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled
from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and
weapons.

 Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English
and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper
articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement
for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state
school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core
curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario 7:

 Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the
Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a
red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2007 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all
called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his
parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers
are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes
his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort
him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes
on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a ****** predator
and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5
years of therapy.


----------



## Mister E

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"


----------



## jerry old

oldman said:


> *The Following is sad, but TRUE!
> 
> HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007*
> 
> Scenario 1:
> 
> Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls
> into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
> 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's
> shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
> 
> 2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack
> hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called
> in for traumatized students and teachers.
> 
> 
> Scenario 2:
> 
> Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
> 
> 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark
> shake hands and end up buddies.
> 
> 2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they
> arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both
> expelled even though Johnny started it and Mark was just defending himself.
> 
> 
> Scenario 3:
> 
> 
> Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts
> other students.
> 
> 1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and
> given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still
> and does not disrupt class again.
> 
> 2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He
> becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money
> from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
> 
> 
> Scenario 4:
> Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his
> Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
> 
> 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up
> normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
> 
> 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.
> Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is
> told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad
> goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
> 
> 
> Scenario 5:
> 
> Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to
> school
> 
> 1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal
> out on the smoking dock.
> 
> 2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled
> from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and
> weapons.
> 
> Scenario 6:
> 
> Pedro fails high school English.
> 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English
> and goes to college.
> 
> 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper
> articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement
> for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state
> school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core
> curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
> living because he cannot speak English.
> 
> 
> Scenario 7:
> 
> Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the
> Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a
> red ant bed.
> 
> 1957 - Ants die.
> 
> 2007 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all
> called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his
> parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers
> are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never
> allowed to fly again.
> 
> Scenario 8:
> 
> Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes
> his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort
> him.
> 
> 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes
> on playing.
> 2007 - Mary is accused of being a ****** predator
> and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5
> years of therapy.


----------



## Pappy

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it’s a Rooster.”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh...

”Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”


----------



## Mister E

jerry old...
Sadly that sounds about right ...what a world we live in


----------



## Sassycakes

*A Failure to Communicate
A father shows up at his daughter’s home
and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags.
“What’s wrong?” he asks. “I texted my wife that I was coming
home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when
I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy!
I’m leaving!” “Now, calm down,” says his father-in-law.
“There must be a simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened
” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple
explanation, and there is,” he says.

“She never got your text.”*


----------



## Mister E




----------



## Sassycakes

*Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
-
Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
-
Patient: What condition?
****************************************
*
Doctor: “Do you do sports?”*
*Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”*
***************************************************

Mr. Smith: “Doctor, do you remember the strengthening *
*solution you prescribed me yesterday?”

Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”

Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”*
********************************************************************

Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?*
*Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?*
*Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.“*


----------



## Ken N Tx

What would YOU DO? A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude alsoThe husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money".
"HE paid for the Porsche I gave you".
"HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat..
"HE paid for your Football season tickets.."
"HE paid for our house at the lake."
"HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4."
"HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues."
"And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month."

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."


----------



## Sassycakes

*
A Middle aged couple needed a new home.
They finally built Their dream home,
but the contractor had a concern:
the placement of an atrium window
for the walk-in shower.
"I'm afraid your neighbors might have a good view
of you au naturel," he said.
The middle-aged wife put him at ease.

"Don't worry," she said. "They'll only look once."*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:
"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE


----------



## Sassycakes

*It must have been a blonde!!*
*In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural-born citizen of at least 35 years of age. 
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair it was of the requirement to be a natural-born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. *
*The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural- born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## jerry old

Hellfire and damnation, Pappy- there's barely enough hell to go around...
We need to conserve the hell    words..


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## RadishRose

Suzy Lee done fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy bout it all, she told her pappy so.


Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal" you’ll have to find another. I’d just as soon yo maw don’t know, but Joe is yo half-brother.


So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But, after telling pappy this he said "There’s trouble still".


You can’t marry Will, my gal, and please don’t tell yo mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother"


But Mama knew and said "Honey chile, do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain’t no kin to pappy!"


----------



## Sassycakes

*One Way To Save Money *
*A man named Marty called his son.
 “Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset 
you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can
 do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.” 
“But dad how can that be “the son asked “you have been married 
for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened 
suddenly?” “Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you 
to try to convince me out of it.” “OK” the son responded “but promise 
me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, 
and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.”Alright”
 said the father hanging up “you have my word. “Well” said Marty, 
turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have *
*to pay for the tickets.”*


----------



## win231

A minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendants started taking orders for drinks.
The hillbilly asked for a whiskey & soda which was brought & placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust: _"I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."_
The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant & said, _"Hell, me too! I didn't know we had a choice_*."*


----------



## win231

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.  His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed & he was feeling worn out & depressed.

As soon as he arrived home, his wife started yelling at him: _"It's midnight.  What have you been doing all night?  Where the hell have you been? Dinner is cold & I'm not reheating it!" _

Too tired to argue with her, he poured himself a drink & went to take a shower.

His wife followed him to the bathroom, continuing to yell at him.

While he was in the shower, the phone rang.  It was her husband's office & she was given a message for her husband - that his client, James Wright would not be hanged tonight.  Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go into the bathroom to give him the good news.
When she opened the bathroom door, her husband had just stepped out of the shower & was drying himself off.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around & screamed, _"Dammit woman....don't you ever stop?"_


----------



## win231

There was an elderly lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, _"Praise the Lord!"_
Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door.  Over time, he became irritated at the lady.  So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her_, "There is no God!"_

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, _"Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am hungry. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"_
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

_"Praise the Lord!" _she cried out._ "He has provided groceries for me!" _
The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted,_ "There is no God.  I bought those groceries!"_
The lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, _"Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"_


----------



## Pappy

Three strings walk into a bar. The first string says confidently, "I've got the first round, boys," and strides up to the bar. Bartender says, "Are you a string?" String says, "Yeah." Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." String returns to his buddies, red-faced. "Looks like we aren't getting drinks after all, boys."

String #2 steps up and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He glides up, drops a twenty on the bar and shouts, "Three whiskeys for me and my buddies, friend!" Bartender looks him up and down, takes his twenty, and says, "Are you a string?" String #2 stands there dumbstruck, unable to even form even the simplest of replies. Bartender says, "Listen, pal, like I told your friend over there, we don't serve strings. Now, beat it."

"Well," says String #2 to his buddies, "That's that. It's over. Let's just go."

But just then, String #3 has an idea. He ties himself up in a big knot, frays the ends of himself with his pocketknife, and sidles up to the bar. "I'd like three whiskeys, please." Bartender looks at him and says, "Are you a string?"

"No" he says to the bartender, "I'm a frayed knot."


URL: https://able2know.org/topic/84440-1


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says,*

*“Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.”

The new man asked, “What happened?”
*
*“One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, *
*so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents 
what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ”Look at it this way:
I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work 
force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”
”I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny.
”Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.
”Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle 
of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. 
He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had 
taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. 
When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check 
if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, 
but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. 
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ”OH!! Now I understand the government! Congress is fast asleep,nobody cares about the people and** The President is screwing the work force people, and the future is full of sh*t!”*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy




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## MickaC




----------



## Lewkat

Pappy said:


> Three strings walk into a bar. The first string says confidently, "I've got the first round, boys," and strides up to the bar. Bartender says, "Are you a string?" String says, "Yeah." Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." String returns to his buddies, red-faced. "Looks like we aren't getting drinks after all, boys."
> 
> String #2 steps up and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He glides up, drops a twenty on the bar and shouts, "Three whiskeys for me and my buddies, friend!" Bartender looks him up and down, takes his twenty, and says, "Are you a string?" String #2 stands there dumbstruck, unable to even form even the simplest of replies. Bartender says, "Listen, pal, like I told your friend over there, we don't serve strings. Now, beat it."
> 
> "Well," says String #2 to his buddies, "That's that. It's over. Let's just go."
> 
> But just then, String #3 has an idea. He ties himself up in a big knot, frays the ends of himself with his pocketknife, and sidles up to the bar. "I'd like three whiskeys, please." Bartender looks at him and says, "Are you a string?"
> 
> "No" he says to the bartender, "I'm a frayed knot."
> 
> 
> URL: https://able2know.org/topic/84440-1


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

*One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
 Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.*
*Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with ****** assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."*
*"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.



Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.



'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'



They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.



After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.



The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!



'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'



'No,' she replies. .. ....



(get ready)



'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)


----------



## Mister E

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp


----------



## Ken N Tx

Mister E said:


> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
> 
> But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
> 
> making beer.. Always something more important to me.
> 
> Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
> 
> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
> 
> scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
> 
> the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
> 
> I handed her a toothbrush.
> 
> I said, "When you finish cutting the
> 
> grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
> 
> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp


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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes

*   A Loving Husband**
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, “Maggie — put your hat and coat on, lassie.”*
*
She replied, “Aw, Jock, that’s nice, are you taking me tae the pub with you?”*
*
“ Nae,” Jock replied.
“ I’m turning the heat off while I’m out.”*


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## Sassycakes




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## RadishRose




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




----------



## win231

A farmer had five female pigs.  Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair & sell them.  At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs & split everything 50/50.  The farmers lived 60 miles apart.  So they agreed to drive 30 miles each & meet at a field where they let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5:00am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, drove the 30 miles & met the other farmer in the field.  While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant.  If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud.  So he hosed them off, loaded them into the station wagon again & proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed.  He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside & tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon & one of them is honking the horn."


----------



## Ken N Tx

win231 said:


> A farmer had five female pigs.  Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair & sell them.  At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
> 
> After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs & split everything 50/50.  The farmers lived 60 miles apart.  So they agreed to drive 30 miles each & meet at a field where they let the pigs mate.
> 
> The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5:00am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, drove the 30 miles & met the other farmer in the field.  While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
> The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant.  If they're in the mud, they're not."
> 
> The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud.  So he hosed them off, loaded them into the station wagon again & proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for a week.
> 
> One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed.  He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside & tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
> 
> "Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon & one of them is honking the horn."


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Pappy

First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.



The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary

medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a

doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything

involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.



The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but

eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.



When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## MarciKS

What do you call a dr. with a head cold?

*Mucus* Welby


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*“With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”
“No”, said her husband.*
*She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked:“Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?”
No I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.*
*
“Now” she said:
“Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”“No way” he said becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:
“Good go look in the garage !*


----------



## Sassycakes

* Farmer and 3 Daughters*
*There once was a farmer who had three daughters who 
were all going out on their first dates on the same night.
The farmer being protective of his daughters,
decides to meet their suiters at the front door with a shotgun.
The first date comes to the door and the father opens up and the lad says:
"Hi my name's Joe,
I'm here for Flow.
We're going to the show.
Is she ready to go?"
The father looks the guy over and sends the kids off on their date.
Next lad arrives:
"My name's Eddie,
I'm here for Betty.
We're going to get some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The father felt this guy was okay too so off the kids went.
The final young man arrives and rings the bell and the farmer opens up. 
The boy started off:
Hi, my name's Chuck-"*
*And the farmer shoots him.*


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## Sassycakes

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune 
with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight
 and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big 
dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very 
expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. 
Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. 
The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out,
 but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, 
but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe 
what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." 
The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says 
" You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"


----------



## LindaB

Ken N Tx said:


> A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
> 
> 
> He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
> 
> 
> She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
> 
> 
> “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
> 
> 
> She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
> 1) You have to be single and
> 2) You must be Catholic.”
> 
> 
> The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
> 
> 
> “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
> 
> 
> The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
> 
> 
> “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
> 
> 
> “Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
> 
> 
> The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
> 
> 
> LOL! Keep smiling! <3  ENJOY!!


Now THAT'S funny!


----------



## LindaB

Pappy said:


> Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school! "As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear! " The 4-year-old gives a fearful look. The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'! " The 4-year-old agrees with reservation. They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast? "The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios! "He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking. Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast? "The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma... But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios! "


That one made me laugh out loud!


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## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*A Farmer and His Mule



*
*        An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.  From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

* A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness*
* and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. 
After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there 
was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or 
early 80's model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. 
"Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find,
 and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, *
*"but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*If you come from an Italian family like I do, I think you can relate to it and laugh.We still have one and my Hubby is Irish !*


----------



## win231

A woman gets a call rom her cousin, asking for $300.00 to help her pay her rent.

Just before sending her the money, her aunt called & said, "Your cousin is lying.  She wants $300.00 to bail her boyfriend out of jail so they can both be under the same roof for his birthday."

She decided to give her cousin the money, anyway.  A couple of hours later, she got a call from jail.  It was her cousin crying, screaming and asking why she gave her counterfeit money.

She replied, "Well....so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday."


----------



## win231

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale - only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back; we can't afford them," demands the wife. 
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband says,"So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."


----------



## win231

Just a suggestion, guys:
If your wife asks you, "Am I fat?"
Do not answer, "No, dear.  You're just easier to see."


----------



## MickaC




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


----------



## Sassycakes

*My Husband just sent me this joke because I am Italian*
*
A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information.

But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell.
*
*"How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*So I sent him this because he is Irish !*
* 
Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.

Irish saying – There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women: young men, old men, and middle aged men.

Irish diplomacy – the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet

What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? — A bachelor

Irish Blessing – As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

You can’t kiss an Irish girl unexpectedly. You can only kiss her sooner than she thought you would

The Irish way – Now don’t be talking about yourself while you’re here. We’ll surely be doing that after you leave.
*
*What do you call an Irishman who sits outside all night? Paddy O’ Furniture*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, *
*and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”, 
said her good friend Mary, “maybe you should go see a psychic? 
One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her 
feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.” 
So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room 
with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice. 
“Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,” was her reply. 
“Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie asked. 
“He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke” 
said the psychic. “Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. 
Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar. 
I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he 
is or how I could get one to him?” Questioned Suzie urgently. 
“Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across 
to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, *
*“he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”*


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## win231

A woman rubbed a lamp & a genie came out.
“Do I get three wishes?” she asked.
“No,” says the genie. “I’m a one-wish genie. What’ll it be?”
The woman says: “See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace.”
The genie says: “They’ve been at war for years. I’m not _that_ good. Pick something else.”
The woman says: “Well, I’d like to find a good man. One who’s considerate, loves kids, helps with the housework & doesn’t watch sports all day.” “Okay,” the genie says with a sigh, “Let me see that map again.”


----------



## win231

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, who is deaf, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. When the Godfather confronts Guido about the missing $10 million, he brings his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him.”

Guido is scared and signs back, "OK. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## win231

It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus.  She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg.  She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.

Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.

A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.

She turned around & slapped him across the face & screamed: _"How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!"_

The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## MsFox

*What does the mother cow say to her calf that is still frocking around as dark nears?




It is pasture bedtime!*


----------



## MsFox

A cowboy went into a rural Arizona saloon that still had a hitching post. He had a beer. He left and discovered someone had stolen his horse. He walked back in the saloon, fast drew his colt, twirled it around and shot a hole in the ceiling and said, “Whichever one of you coyotes that stole my horse, best return it.” Silence. “Ok, I am going to sit down have one more beer and if my horse isn’t returned, I will do what I did in Laredo, Texas and I HATE doing what I did in Laredo, but I will do what I must,” He said with one hand on his holstered Colt.

He finished his beer and went out and saw his horse hitched. As he mounted, the bartender came out and said. ”Hey cowboy, just curious, what happened in Laredo?” The cowboy shrugged and said, “I had to walk home.”


----------



## MsFox

Bill and Sue were at the country fair. Sue wanted to go on an antique open cockpit airplane ride. She said it is ONLY ten dollars. Bill said no because ten dollars is ten dollars. They argued and the pilot got upset at their bickering and said if they could both take the ride and say NOT ONE WORD, then the ride was free. If they said one word or even made a sound, it was ten dollars.

The pilot did all kinds of tricks, determined to collect his ten dollars. Bill got dizzy and fell out when they were flying upside down. They landed and the pilot said, “Well the ride is free. Hey, where is Bill.” Sue says, “Oh he fell out on the upside-down thing. He has dizzy spells when on his head.” “What,” the pilot gasp. “Why on earth did you not say something when he started getting dizzy?” “Because as Bill said, ten dollars is ten dollars,” Sue replied.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy

Well COVID-19 has finally affected me financially. I’m needing to make some extra money on the side to compliment my full-time gig.



So...

 I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys. I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs.  Discretion is % guaranteed!!



I am more than willing and able to demonstrate any items for you. Ask for yours anytime! 

I have everything listed below.



 - Walkers

 - Wheelchairs

 - Oxygen tanks

 - Canes

 - Disposable Diapers

 - Denture Glue

    and lots more!


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Ken N Tx

Pappy said:


> Well COVID-19 has finally affected me financially. I’m needing to make some extra money on the side to compliment my full-time gig.
> 
> 
> 
> So...
> 
> I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys. I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs.  Discretion is % guaranteed!!
> 
> 
> 
> I am more than willing and able to demonstrate any items for you. Ask for yours anytime!
> 
> I have everything listed below.
> 
> 
> 
> - Walkers
> 
> - Wheelchairs
> 
> - Oxygen tanks
> 
> - Canes
> 
> - Disposable Diapers
> 
> - Denture Glue
> 
> and lots more!


----------



## MsFox

Pappy said:


> Well COVID-19 has finally affected me financially. I’m needing to make some extra money on the side to compliment my full-time gig.
> 
> 
> 
> So...
> 
> I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys. I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs.  Discretion is % guaranteed!!
> 
> 
> 
> I am more than willing and able to demonstrate any items for you. Ask for yours anytime!
> 
> I have everything listed below.
> 
> 
> 
> - Walkers
> 
> - Wheelchairs
> 
> - Oxygen tanks
> 
> - Canes
> 
> - Disposable Diapers
> 
> - Denture Glue
> 
> and lots more!



Do you offer dental implants for dentures? I need a few more because I am tired of the glue.


----------



## MsFox

Lewkat said:


> View attachment 107462


Good one!!!


----------



## Sassycakes

*This guy’s wife gets a cat and he hates it. So one day, while his wife is gone to work, the guy puts the cat in the back seat of the car, drives a few blocks, and lets the cat out. When he gets home, the cat’s sitting there on the front porch.

So the next day, the guy waits until his wife leaves for work again, then throws the cat in the car, drives a mile away from the house, and tosses the cat out. When he gets home, the cat’s sitting there again on the front porch.*
*
Well, the guy’s furious. So he waits until the next day, then throws the cat in the car and drives as far and fast as he can, making all the turns and doubling back he can to throw off the cat. He dumps out the cat and heads home, but realizes he can’t figure out where he is.

So that afternoon, his wife comes home and answers the ringing phone. It’s her husband. He asks, “Is the cat there?”

She says, “Yes.”
*
*The guy says, “I’m lost. Put the cat on the phone.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought*
*that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God

(wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants).
A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh, " Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno" Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should
have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece *
*of cake for you? lol! lol! lol!*


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## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river...*
*... her thimble fell l into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family .
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked
The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.*
*That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”**
*
*A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of
life is four little animals, just like my Grandma always says”. *

*The teacher asked, “Really?! And what four little animals would that be?”
*
*Smiling, the little girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for it all.*
*
**The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.**


----------



## Sassycakes

*A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation *
*and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever 
the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.


After 6 children, this started to get expensive, & the congregation decided to 
hold another meeting, to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of 
yelling & inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional 
children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair, 
and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as
 He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain's also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers" *
*The entire congregation said, "Amen."*


----------



## Pappy

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. 



The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.



The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."



The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."



So the King continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky.



The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.



Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.



The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."



So the King hired the donkey.



And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. 



The practice is unbroken to this date.


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## MickaC




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Ken N Tx

MickaC said:


> View attachment 108305


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy

TOOLS EXPLAINED



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



 WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'



DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



 HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



 OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.



 TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



 HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



 BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.



 TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.



 PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



 STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.



 UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.



ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench".  Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers.  Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.



  SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


----------



## Sassycakes

*Just for Blondes

A man is sitting on his porch when he notices two blondes working down the road. They both have shovels. One of them digs a hole and the other immediately fills it in. The man watches them for a few hours and finally approaches them, "You guys look like you're working hard. But I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish."
*
*One of the blondes replies, "Well there's usually three of us, but the one that plants the trees is sick."*

*************************************************************************************
*

Two blondes are hanging out and one of them pulls out a make up mirror. She is stunned saying "There's a face in there. She looks so familiar."
*
*Her friend grabs the mirror, looks in it, and says "You're such an idiot. That's me!"*
*************************************************************************************
*
Three blondes come to a river but can't figure out how to get across. One blonde says, "God, make me a fish so I can swim across the river." So she becomes a fish and swims across the river.

The next blonde woman says, "God, give me a canoe so I can make it across this river." A canoe pops up in the river and she makes it across.
*
*The final blonde says, "God, make me smarter so I can make it across." Poof! She turns into a man and crosses the bridge.*


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*A little old Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.*
*"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband Jacob know as soon as I get home," said the little old Amish lady.
"That's fine," said the officer.
"Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the little old Amish lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, what exactly did he say?" said the husband.
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"*
*"I'm not sure," said the little old Amish lady, "something about the emergency brake...."*


----------



## peramangkelder

Pappy said:


> TOOLS EXPLAINED
> 
> 
> 
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
> 
> 
> 
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'
> 
> 
> 
> DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
> 
> 
> 
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
> 
> 
> 
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
> 
> 
> 
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
> 
> 
> 
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
> 
> 
> 
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
> 
> 
> 
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
> 
> 
> 
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
> 
> 
> 
> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
> 
> 
> 
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
> 
> 
> 
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> 
> 
> 
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
> 
> 
> 
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
> 
> 
> 
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
> 
> 
> 
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
> 
> 
> 
> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
> 
> 
> 
> ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench".  Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers.  Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
> 
> 
> 
> SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


@Pappy I read this to myself and cracked up laughing then I re-read it to my husband who was (and still is) a mechanic all his working life and we both cracked up laughing so much we had tears in our eyes.
Huz could relate to everything on your list of tools
Thank you for making us laugh so much


----------



## Pappy

peramangkelder said:


> @Pappy I read this to myself and cracked up laughing then I re-read it to my husband who was (and still is) a mechanic all his working life and we both cracked up laughing so much we had tears in our eyes.
> Huz could relate to everything on your list of tools
> Thank you for making us laugh so much



‘My pleasure.... Thank you.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Ken N Tx

Lewkat said:


> View attachment 109210


LOL


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pecos

The world is now Vegas.
Everybody is losing money.
It is acceptable to drink at all hours.
And no one has any idea what day it is.


----------



## Sassycakes

*A lady had a son, and she named him "Butt Itches". A few years later he had his first day of school. The teacher went around the room asking everyone to state their name...when it came round to "Butt Itches". The teacher asked "What is your name?" He replied "Butt Itches". At first she thought this was a joke so she decided asked again. "What Is your name?" He replied with the same answer, "...Butt Itches". The Teacher, who was now furious, asked once more and added, "If you don't tell me your name I'm going to spank you and send you to the principal." And again he replied with the same answer, "Butt Itches". The teacher spanked him and took him to the principal. Where he was asked three times what his name was, and all three times the reply was still, "Butt Itches". Then the principal also became furious and spanked Butt Itches, but the principal spanked Butt Itches too hard and he died. At the funeral his mom said, 
"Oh, my poor Butt Itches". And the preacher said "Well, scratch it. *


----------



## peramangkelder

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain.

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY!!) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

There, I told you so - and there's nothing you can do about it.

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.


----------



## mike4lorie

> *This is what all of us 70 - 80 year-olds, and those yet-to-be have to look forward to!!*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria.
> 
> One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so another guy's wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
> 
> An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.
> 
> She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
> 
> When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
> 
> I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband:  My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant:  What is her height?
Husband:  Gee, I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:  Weight?
Husband:  Don't know.  Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:  Color of eyes?
Husband:  Never noticed.
Sergeant:  Color of hair?
Husband:  Changes a couple times a year.  Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant:  What was she wearing?
Husband:  Could have been a skirt or shorts.  I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant:  What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:  She went in my truck.
Sergeant:  What kind of truck was it?
Husband:  Brand new Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed.  Custom leather seats and  floor mats.  Trailer package with gold hitch.  DVD with navigation,  21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets.  Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.  At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant:  Don't worry buddy.  We'll find your truck.


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*Best Pick up Lines comebacks*
*
Man – Haven’t I seen you someplace before? 
Woman – Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore. 
Man – Can I buy you a drink? 
Woman – I think I’d rather have the money! 
Man – Will you go out with me this Saturday? 
Woman –  Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend. 
Man –  Is this seat empty? 
Woman –  Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. 
Man –  So what do you do for a living? *
*Woman –  I’m a female impersonator.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Adam and Eve Joke *
*Existence was so tranquil and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve, 
like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate day when Adam 
showed up one hour late for supper. By the time Adam finally came home 
Eve was a nervous wreck, and her imagination was working overtime.
“Honey, what happened? Why are you home so late?” Questioned Eve. 
“Oh I’m sorry! Adam responded with a wave of his hand, 
“I just lost track of the time.” 
Now Eve didn’t have a Mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears, after all it was just her and her Husband and despite Adam’s convincing act  her overactive 
imagination could not be calmed. That night after two hours of restlessly 
turning in her bed, enough was enough. 
“WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!” Hollered Adam jumping out of bed. 
“YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHAT I’M DOING” Screamed Eve right back, 
“NOW YOU BETTER LAY STILL RIGHT NOW, AND LET ME FINISH *
*COUNTING THOSE RIBS*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A lady was walking down the street when she was a approached by a lady beggar **asking for money. The lady took a $20 bill out of her purse, and asked 
“if I give you this money will you spend it on chocolate.” “Don’t be ridiculous” 
the beggar replied “does it look like I have nothing better to spend money on?” 
“How about shopping?” she asked. “No,” the beggar said, “don’t you understand I need money just to stay alive.” “Will you spend it on your hair?” the lady asked. Annoyed the beggar replied,
“No, I just need money for food, and shelter. “In that case” the lady said 
“I don’t want to just give you money I would like you to eat out with me 
and my husband tonight.” “Why?” The beggar asked. “Well, ”the lady said 
“I think it’s important for him to see what a lady looks *
*like after she gives up chocolate, shopping, and hair appointments.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:
*
*"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" *

*"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. *
*The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, 
"What does this remind you of?"
The guy replied, "A naked woman."
Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and 
asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, 
"A naked woman on a bed."
This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot. 
The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert."
The guy replied, "I'm not the pervert here. *
*You're the one who keeps showing me all of those naughty pictures."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. *
*He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the 
hospital to undergo some tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, 
and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We have the results 
back from your tests and we have found you have an extremely nasty 
STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." replied the doctor.
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.*
*The doctor replied, "Well no, but, it's the only food we can slide under the door."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A man kept going to the eye doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem.*
*The doctor said, "Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can't drink tea."
The patient protested, "But, Doc, I love tea." The doctor replied, 
"Well, okay, as long as you take the spoon out.*
**************************************************************************************
*A man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later, the man complained to the doctor that the suppositories hadn't produced the desired results.*
*"Have you been taking them regularly?" asked the doctor.*
*"What do you think I've been doing," replied the man, "shoving them up my butt?"
*******************************************************************************


*One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.*
*The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"*
*The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*A: I have the perfect son.*
*B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?*

*A: He will be six months old next week.

*********************************************************** *



*Two men are talking and one says to the other, 
“My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, 
has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms 
of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this *
*menopause will be listed as the cause on your death on your Death
certificate.”

***********************************************************************


----------



## MickaC




----------



## win231

A lawyer makes out a will for a client.  She pays him with a crisp new $100 bill.
Later on, the lawyer discovers that the new $100 bill is actually two $100 bills stuck together.
His dilemma: Should he tell his partner?

A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf. They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up so they complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.
The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them.”
The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”


----------



## win231

A teenager walks into a pharmacy & tells the pharmacist: "I need a dozen condoms. My girlfriend's parents are leaving town tonight, & we're gonna bang our brains out."
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"
The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."
His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."
The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."


----------



## Furryanimal




----------



## Furryanimal

https://56packardman.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/2030-compensation.png


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.  His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.  The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.  But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.  His mother says:  "Billy, are you all right?  You've been in here for a while…

Billy says:  "I'm fine, mommy…i just haven't gone 'doody' yet."

Mother says:  "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes.  But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says: "works for ketchup."


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## win231

A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
"Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
She got the raise.


----------



## win231

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist.  The waiting room was filled with patients.   As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.

In an equally loud voice, he  replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION.  BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*A naked beautiful woman got into a taxi*
*"Why do you keep looking back at me instead of the road. 
Have you never seen a naked woman before?" She angrily said

"No, I have seen many naked women. I am just checking to see where you *
*could possibly kept the money that you will have to pay me soon"*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. *
*Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman,
"I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?" 
“Sure!" replies Jim. How could he refuses such a sexy offer. 
Let's go!" At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk 
asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles.
"Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!"
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling 
on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies,
*
*"That's me before my operation!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, *
*light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. 
The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns 
to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. 
Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything 
that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. *

*The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy




----------



## MickaC




----------



## MickaC




----------



## toffee

*Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? *
_Too many cheetahs_

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.


----------



## toffee

My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

A Czechoslovakian and an American go into the woods to hunt. After three days of no word the police are called in. They find a torn-up camp and find two bears that look very well fed. After both bears are shot they are examined. The American is found in the female so the police take a quick guess that the Chek is in the male….


----------



## toffee

What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? Go straight for the juggler.
Why don't koalas count as bears? They don't have the right koalafications.
A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advise citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals.
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”


----------



## Furryanimal

Not so much jokes but fun...: In California you can’t legally buy a mousetrap without having what?
Answer: A hunting license

Trivia Question: It is illegal to do what in the French vineyards?
Answer: Land a flying saucer

Trivia Question: Coprastastaphobia is the fear of what?
Answer: Constipation

Trivia Question: In Texas it’s illegal to swear in front of what?
Answer: A corpse

Trivia Question: In Georgia, it’s illegal to eat what with a fork?
Answer: Fried chicken

Trivia Question: The first hockey pucks used in early outdoor hockey games were made of what?
Answer: Frozen cow dung

Trivia Question: In Minnesota it is illegal to tease what type of animal?
Answer: Skunks


----------



## peramangkelder

MickaC said:


> View attachment 111524


I can so relate to that having broken both little toes at least twice each


----------



## peramangkelder




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy

He was a zoologist by trade, studying animals.  He was tracking down the details about a species of Dolphins that was reported to live forever.  After researching them all over the world, he finally found one source of data on them.  It was an elderly man, a coal miner by trade who lived in Germany and had seen them when he served in the German Navy in the Pacific.



There was a small island in the south Pacific, the only place they were known to exist.  The Dolphins lived in a small salt water lake in the middle of the island.  The people there wanted no contact with outsiders, so they built a wall around the island to keep themselves isolated.  They had only one gate, opened only for fishing boats.  The miner had seen the island from his wartime ship, where he observed the gate.  During the day, the entrance was secured by armed guards, and at night they had two lions chained at the gates.  The only way in was to wait until the lions slept at night, then they could quietly sneak past them.



So they waited until late at night.  Slowly and carefully they tiptoed in without making a sound.  Everything went well until the very last man in the party dropped a flashlight right in front of one of the lions.  The lions awoke roaring, spotlights came on and the place was flooded by guards.  The Captain of the guard announced, ”You’re all under arrest.”



The leader of the expedition asked him, “What are the charges?”



The Captain said, “Crossing state lions — with a miner — for immortal porpoises”...


----------



## StarSong

Furryanimal said:


> In California you can’t legally buy a mousetrap without having what?
> Answer: A hunting license


Not true, but if it were it would be funny.  
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trapping-license/


----------



## Furryanimal

StarSong said:


> Not true, but if it were it would be funny.
> https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trapping-license/


Fake Trivia..


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs to learn about thoroughbred horses and their care.  



When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.



Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.



As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.   Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."



"No, ma'am," he replied.   "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

I don't usually pass on news like this. I know how busy you all are but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about...so pass on this sad, sad news. . . There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. 

They'd put his left leg in and.. .well, you know the rest


----------



## Sassycakes

* A Navy Admiral was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be playfully chasing his girlfriend through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying. Neither of them were wearing anything.*
*
One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform".

The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read:

"A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged.*

*The Admiral was acquitted, no charges!
*******************************************************************


*The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in **the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. *
*Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.*


----------



## win231

A man took his 5-year-old son to a horse auction with him.
The kid watched with interest as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up & down the horse's legs and rump and chest.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Before I buy horses, I have to make sure they are healthy and in good shape."
The kid, looking worried, said: "Dad......I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


----------



## Pappy

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please”.



Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.



He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.



As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.



After a while he stands on his back paws to push the stop button, then the butcher follows him off.



The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing at the dog.



The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”



The owner responds: “Genius… no way! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

* A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a*
*long-time resident who looks 100 years old. 
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. 
The old-timer says,

“Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe 
that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, 
had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I 
ate in all the best restaurants of France.”

The new man asked, “What happened?”*

*“One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!”
***************************************************************



*A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. *
*The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. 
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” 
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly 
and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can 
of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. 
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.*

*The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the *
*hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the 
comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. 
The little boy says,

“Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”*

*The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

*******************************************************************


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## MickaC




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*Two old men are sitting on a park bench. One says, "So how's your wife?"*

*The other man replies, "I think she's dead."

"You THINK she's dead?"*

*"Well, the sex is about the same but the dishes are piling up."*
********************************************************************************************

*Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club.*
*"We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith.*


*"Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."

***************************************************************** 
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.*
*As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."*

*He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"*


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), “I have an idea … it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot. Funeral is on Thursday at Noon ——-The coffin will be closed.


----------



## Pappy

The Kansas  Department of Transportation (KDOT) found over 450 dead crows on I-35 this past  week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.



A veterinary epidemiologist  examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the  problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).



The  cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it  was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.  By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been  killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.



KDOT  then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for  the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The  Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they  always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all  the lookout crows could shout "Cah","Cah" not a single one could shout  "Truck"!!!


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

Ten infamous bank robbers were on the run, breaking into banks, and stealing all the money.  Five of these bank robbers were old men and five were old women.  The men and women were married and were all grandparents. The group of women called themselves "the Nannies".  After a city-wide search, the police was able to nab them all and bring them all into the station -- handcuffed.  After they were handcuffed they were frisked and everything was taken out of their pockets and they were all put in jail.



Just before they left for the day, the police chief said, "nice job, boys.  You really came through.  But are you sure you frisked them well and collected all the money they stole?"



The head of the group of policemen said, "Yes, sir.  We cleaned out every crook and nanny."


----------



## mike4lorie

> YOU HAVE TO LOVE A  GOOD NURSE
> A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally  got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what  was making him so uncomfortable. Taped  firmly across  his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the  kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape  in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon,  from the nurse in the Ford Focus you gave a speeding ticket to last week."
> Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Furryanimal

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Furryanimal

*Q. Why did the kid cross the road by the playground? 
A. To get to the other slide.*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Ruthanne




----------



## win231

A couple in their 80's walks into a sex therapist's office.

"What can I do for you?" asks the doctor.

The man says, "We want you to watch us while we have sex."

The doctor is impressed that an elderly couple is having sex & he agrees.

After the couple finishes, the doctor says, "Well, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have sex."

He thanks them for coming in, wishes them good luck, charges them $50.00 & says "Goodbye."

The next week, the couple returns & asks the doctor to watch again.  The doctor is a bit puzzled, but he agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row - the couple makes an appointment, has sex with no problems, pays the doctor, then they leave.

Finally, after 3 months, the doctor says, "I have to ask....just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.  She's married & we can't go to her house.  I'm married & we can't go to my house.  The Holiday Inn charges $100.00.  The Hilton charges $200.00.  We do it here for $50.00 & I get $43.00 back from Medicare."


----------



## mike4lorie

> *The After Life*
> 
> A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
> After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion...Marion". "Is that you, Dave?" "Yes, I've come back as we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?"
> "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times.
> 
> Then I have lunch (you'd be proud of me for eating lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again, then it's more sex until late at night.
> 
> I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again." "Oh, Dave are you in Heaven?" "No, I'm a rabbit in Saskatchewan."
Click to expand...


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Camper6

The man hears a knock on the door.

He answers and a guy says "I'm soliciting votes for a new mayorality candidate"
So the man says "Why? What's wrong with the one we have".

The guy says : "Well haven't you heard?  He built his driveway with municipal funds".
The man says "Well I'm going to vote for him anyway".
The guy says: "Why"?
The man says: "Because he already has his driveway".


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## win231

A husband & wife are driving down a country road when their car gets stuck in a muddy patch.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out, they saw a farmer approaching them driving some oxen.
The farmer stopped & offered to pull their car out of the mud for $50.00.  They agreed & minutes later, the car was free.
The farmer says to the couple, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."


----------



## win231

It was entertainment night at the old folks' home.  Tonight's entertainment was_ "Claude, The Amazing Hypnotist."_
He said, "Most hypnotists bring two or three audience members up to the stage, but I'm going to hypnotize *all* of you.
He pulled a pocket watch from his coat & said, "I want all of you to keep your eye on this antique watch.  It's a very special watch & it has been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch back & forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch....Watch the watch.....Watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized.
Suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers & fell to the floor, breaking into several pieces.
_"Shit,"_ said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the old folks' home.


----------



## win231

A woman is looking at a sweater in a store.
"This is a little overpriced, isn't it?" she says to the saleslady.
"Not really, Madam," the saleslady replies.  "The wool comes from a rare breed of sheep found only in the highest mountain of Tibet.  It's a beautiful yarn."
"Yes," replies the woman.  "And you tell it so well."


----------



## win231

An admiral is standing on the deck of his battleship when the enemy is spotted on the horizon.
"Fetch me my red shirt," says the admiral to a nearby sailor.  "If  I'm wounded while fighting the enemy, I don't want the men to see that I'm bleeding."
"Excuse me sir," said the sailor.  "But it's not only one ship.  There are fifteen."
"In that case," replies the admiral.  "Forget the shirt.  Fetch me my brown trousers."


----------



## Pappy

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. 



One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. 



The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri." 



"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."


----------



## Sassycakes

*A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. *
*The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found 
absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, 
and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your 
insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." *
*"I know," said the man, "but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone."*

***************************************************************************
*

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were 
getting ready to go out on dates. The first 
beau came to the door and said, '
'I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty.
 We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.


The second beau came to the door and said, 
''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take 
her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."


The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer.
 ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

*
*The farmer shot Chu**ck.*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*The King's daughter>>>*


*Once upon a time there lived a King.
The King had a beautiful daughter, the Princess..
But there was a problem. Everything the princess 
touched would melt. No matter what. Metal. Wood. 
Stone. Anything she touched would melt. 
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? 
He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that 
does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his 
daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. 
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He, too, was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess, 
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. 
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.


Question: What was in the Prince's pants?



M&M's, of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.


What were you thinking??*






*I WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!*


----------



## win231

A man called a lawyer & asked, "How much would you charge to answer three questions?"
Lawyer: "Four hundred dollars."
Man:  "That's a lot of money, isn't it?"
Lawyer, "I guess so.  What's your third question?"


----------



## Pappy

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.


----------



## Pappy

A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”

“Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”


----------



## Sassycakes

*HusbanD <> WifE ??????????*
*Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...go on.
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? You need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it in the dark.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Yeah! that's good.
Wife: Right! Now go to sleep.
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself.*
*Now, what were you expecting???????*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*A Crime Scene*
*
There's been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman's spouse.
He'd just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He'd never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
''Who could have done this terrible thing?''
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
''Just look at the clues,'' replied Sargent Miller.

*
*''It looks like the work of a cereal killer.'*


----------



## win231

A boss asked his employee:  "Do you believe there is life after death?"
"Certainly not," says the employee.  "There's no proof of it."
"Well, there is now," says the boss.  "After you left early yesterday to go to your brother's funeral, he came here looking for you."


----------



## win231

A man asked his wife to pack for him for a weekend fishing trip.  She gladly obliged - she packed clothes, rods, reels, tackle box, etc.
At the last minute, he said, "Please pack my new silk pajamas."
This made her a bit suspicious, but she did as he asked.
When he returned, looking very refreshed, she asked him if he caught a lot of fish.
"Oh, yes," he said.  "Three Walleyes & four Bass.  It was great.  But, you forgot to pack my new silk pajamas."
"No, I didn't," she said.  "They're in your tackle box."


----------



## win231

A wife says to her husband, "Are you hungry for breakfast?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
A few hours later, she asks, "Do you want to have lunch now?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
Five hours later, she asks, "Well, how about dinner?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
She says, "Get the hell off me....I'm starving."


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

A frog is outgrowing his lily pad and decides to make some home improvements. He doesn't have the money, so he hops to the bank to borrow some. 



At the bank, he takes a seat at loan officer Patricia Black's desk and explains his dilemma. 



"I want to upgrade my lily pad, maybe add another window, but I don't have the cash. Can you lend me the money?" 



"Maybe. What can you offer as collateral?" 



"Well," says the frog. "All I have is this paperweight. You shake it up, and it snows on the little village. Cute, huh?" 



"Hmm . . . I'll have to speak to my manager." She enters her manager's office. 



"Mr. Bitterby, I've got a frog at my desk who wants to borrow money for lily pad improvements. But all he can offer for collateral is this glass paperweight." 



Mr. Bitterby takes the paperweight, hefts it in his hand, looks at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan."


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## RadishRose

I always thought orthopedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected.


----------



## Sassycakes

*A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp*
*
with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and

understand each other better.

Two buses were hired, one for the mothers -in-law and

the other for the daughters-in- law.

Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was

involved in an accident and all the passengers

died on the spot.

The daughters in law (women being women)

shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by

one daughter in law who wailed uncontrollably

for what they perceived to be her loss.

Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but

why are you crying so hard,

I didn't realize u were so close to your mother-in-law?"

To which she replied, "No we are not close at all,

she missed the bus!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Roses are red*
*
Nuts are brown

Skirts go up

Pants go down

Body to body Skin to skin

When its stiff

Stick it in

The Longer its in

The Stronger it gets

It goes in dry And comes out wet

It comes out dripping And starts to sag

Its not what you think......You naughty person

Its a Teabag







*


----------



## win231

A woman walks into a bar in Texas & sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.  He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen.
She asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned & said, "Sure is, lady!  Why don't you come on out to the bunk house & let me prove it to ya?"
After spending the night with him, she handed him a $100.00 bill.
"Well, thank you Ma'am.  I'm real flattered.  Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered," she replied.  "Buy yourself some boots that fit."


----------



## win231

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed that the man sitting across from her was staring & smiling at her.
She moved to another seat.
The same man smiled at her even more, so she moved again.
Now the man started chuckling. She moved to another seat. Then the man burst out laughing.
After she moved for the 4th time, she complained to the driver & he called the police & they arrested the man for harassment.
When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"
The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, she sat down under a sign that said, _"The Doublemint Twins are Coming,"_ so I smiled.
Then she moved & sat under a sign that said, _"Try Logan's Liniment To Reduce Swelling,"_ & I had to smile.
Then she moved again & sat under a sign for a deodorant ad that said, _"William's Big Stick Did The Trick,"_ & I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time & sat under a sign that said, _"Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident,"........_I just lost it."


----------



## Pappy

While in his late teens, a young warrior was named King of his village. He proved to be an excellent King and on his 1st anniversary his subjects delivered a beautiful throne to his hut. On each subsequent anniversary they delivered another throne. It became over crowded in his hut so he started to put them in the attic. On the 30th anniversary here came another throne which he placed in the attic. As he sat on his original throne the ceiling fell in crushing him to death. The moral of the story is---- People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!...


----------



## MickaC




----------



## macgeek

If a cannibal eats a clown, does it taste funny?


----------



## Sassycakes

​





*Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering

in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.

The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later,


the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says,

"Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right,"

she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must


wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*An elderly couple was at home watching  TV.*
*

Phil had the remote and was  switching back and forth between a fishing channel 
and the porn  channel.


Sally became more and more annoyed and finally  said: "For god's sake Phil, Leave it on the  porn channel.
*
* You know how to  fish!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:*
*
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
*
*WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE Off !*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

* A Drunk Blonde
*
*A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says 
to the barman, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini 
for my heartburn.” The barman mixes her drink and
 puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, 
she calls him over and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini 
for my heartburn.” He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway 
and sets it down in front of her. A few minutes later, she waves
 him over again and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” 
The barman looks her up and down and says, “First off, it’s bartender, 
not barfender. Second off, it’s martini, not marhini. And third, you don’t have*
*heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Wife/Mistress*
*

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress

were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the

same cruise, then later question each one on the others behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip

in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of

the passenger he knew was his mistress.

"She flirt with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating

mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
*
*"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.    Rodney Dangerfield*
* 
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase ****** arousal, *
*particularly in women. Chief  among these is the Mercedes-Benz380SL."   *
* Lynn Lavner*
* 
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."     Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."  
George Burns*
 
*"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."    *
*Sharon Stone*

 
*"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. 
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-**bleep**." Jack Nicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." 
Robin Williams


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"    Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in 
front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women 
are too judgmental, where, of  course, men are just grateful." Robert DeNiro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic
 reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"   Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men   magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. 
Just show me somebody naked!"  Jerry Seinfeld*


*"See, the problem is that God gives men a  brain and a p**is and only enough blood to run one at a time." *
*   Robin Williams*
* 
"It's been so long since I've had sex; I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."  
Steve Martin

“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being
 spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."   Elmo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."  Oscar Wilde

“It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting-married."   George Burns*
*=========================================================*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Dear Tide*
*

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! 
I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always 
told me it was the best. Now that I am in my sixties 
I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, 
I spilled some red wine on my new pretty white blouse. 
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle 
me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming 
a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow 
I ended up with the old geezer's blood on my new pretty white
blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, 
and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! 
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by 
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative 
and my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered 
a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! 
I thank you, once again, 
for having a great product. *


*Well, gotta go, have to take my meds and write to the Hefty bag people.*


----------



## Sassycakes

* A young Irish boy said to his grandfather.*
*"Make a frog noise for me Grandad."
"No, son, I don't feel like making a frog
noise right now"
"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise."
"No, I don't want to."
"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise.
"Why is it so important to you that
I make a frog noise?"
The boy answered, "Because **Mom says when you croak we can have this house"*


----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## Marie5656

A SCAMMER CALLED TO TELL ME MY WINDOWS HAS A VIRUS.
I said, ‘Oh no, I have 18 windows in my house, how do I know which one has the virus and is it curable?’.
I then asked, ‘How sick will the window or windows get from the virus?’
He asked me if I knew what a computer was.
I replied, ‘Is that what the kids call TV's now?’
The idiot tried to explain what a computer was.
I then asked, ’How do I cure the virus in the windows, do all 18 windows in the house have a virus or is it just one of them?’
HE HUNG UP...................


----------



## Sassycakes

A man, celebrating his 25th anniversary, looked at his wife and said, 
"Honey, 25 years ago, I lived in a one-room apartment, watched a 15-inch 
black-and-white TV, and drove a rusty old car. But, every night, 
I slept with a gorgeous blonde. You're ageing now, and I figure 
you're not keeping up your appearance like you did all those years ago, 
and I'm not too happy about it."

His wife looked back at him and said, "It's true that I'm not what I used to be. 
But, sleep with a gorgeous blonde tonight, and I'll see that, once again, you're 
living in a one-room apartment, watching a 15-inch, black-and-white TV, 
and driving a rusty, old car."






​


----------



## Sassycakes

OOOPs !


----------



## Sassycakes

“So Mss. Burn,” said the judge, “you wish me to grant you a divorce. 
On what grounds?” “Two acres,” she said. The judge glared. 
“I mean do you have a grudge?”
“Yes sir,” she replied. “Fits two cars.”
 “Madam what I mean is -- does he beat you up?”
“Never. I get up half an our before him to do aerobics.” 
Shaking is head, the judge said,
“I just can’t understand why you want a divorce!” 
“Because,” the woman complained,
“We just don’t communicate!”


----------



## Sassycakes

*Once upon a time there was*
*A female brain cell which,
By mistake, happened
To end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously
Because it was all empty

'Hello?'
She cried, but no answer.

'Is there anyone here?'
She cried a little louder,
But still no answer.

Now the female brain cell
Started to feel alone and scared.
So she yelled at the top
Of her voice,

'HELLO,
IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'

Then she heard a faint voice
From far, far away....





'We're down here.'

*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Men only hear what they want to hear.*
*
Joe  asked a Chinese girl for her phone number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

Joe  said, "Wow!"
*
*But her friend ruined it and told me, "She means 666-3629."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. 
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a 
well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder 
of the proverb. 
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their 
insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 
first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic* *!*
*2.*
*Strike while the

bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before 

Daylight Saving Time..
4.
Never underestimate the power of

termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but

how?
6.
Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.
7.
No news is

impossible.
8.
A miss is as good as a

Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new

math.
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.
11.
Love all, trust

me.
12.
The pen is mightier than the

pigs.
13.
An idle mind is

the best way to relax.
14.
Where there's smoke there's

pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.
16.
A penny saved is

not much.
17.
Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.
19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

you have to blow your nose.
20.
There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.
23.
You get out of something only what you

see in the picture on the box.
24.
When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.
25.
A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26.
Better late than

pregnant.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*THE MOODS OF A WOMAN:*
*
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse,
she'll break open his head and then be his nurse.
But when he's well and can get out of bed she'll
pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind,
crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind;
she'll call him a king, then make him  a clown,
raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
She'll run away from him and never come back but
if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, she'll kiss you
one minute, then turn up her nose. She'll win you in
range, enchant you in silk, she'll be stronger than
brandy, milder than milk. At times she'll be vengeful,
merry and sad, she'll hate you like poison,
and love you like mad.*





*THE MOODS OF A MAN: *
*

Tired, horny.                                                  *


----------



## Sassycakes

*Male or Female*
*
Is it Male or Female? You might not have known this,

but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples...

FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in,

but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off;

it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right

buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc

if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES
Tires are male, because they go bald easily

and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere,

you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft,

squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being

looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the

same old lines for picking up people.

HOURGLASS
An hourglass is female because, over time,

all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years,
they've hardly changed at all, and are

occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male,

but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
*
*always know which buttons to push, but
he just keeps trying...*


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

* An attorney went into a bar for a Martini*
*and found himself beside a scruffy-looking
drunk who kept mumbling and studying something
in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk
held the tiny object up to the light, slurring,
"Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it
between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks
like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled
between his thumb and fingers, then examined it
closely by sniffing and licking it.
"Yeah, it does look like plastic and
feel like rubber, has no significant smell
or taste, I sure don't know what it is.
Where did you get it?"*


*The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.  I'm just saying let's remove *
*    all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. 

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. 
    Others move out of the way much faster now.  

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.  
    If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.  

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers.  
    Now they drink like their fathers.  

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone 
    you've just met?  That's common sense leaving your body.  

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" 
    gets thrown all around in the courtroom.  

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. 
    That makes about 1,500 days in a row.  

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and 
    renamed it the Jim.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.  

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers...  
    If you find one, what's your plan?  

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid.  *
*      Politicians just abuse the privilege.*


----------



## MarkinPhx

Why did the farmer start listening to punk rock ?????




He got tired of Hall and Oates.


----------



## win231

Three guys frequent a Chinese restaurant.  They constantly give the poor waiter a hard time – demanding water & tea refills every few minutes, hardly spending any money, making a big mess at the table, making fun of the waiter’s Chinese accent & never leaving a tip.
The waiter never complains.
Finally, after many such visits, one of the jerks says to the waiter: “We feel bad about how we’ve been treating you, so from now on we’re going to respect you & today, we’re even going to leave you a big tip."
“Ah, wonderful,” says the waiter.  “Now I can stop pissing in your tea.”


----------



## Pappy




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait*
*to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian
 baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college 
so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, 
“What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year *
*or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.*
*Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse.
When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now.*
*You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*Family Finances

A couple was having a discussion about family finances.

Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money,

the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear,
*
*if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Experiencing Depression*
*
A business man's wife was experiencing depression.

She began to mope around and be sad, lifeless--
no light in her eyes--no spring in her step--joyless.

It became so bad that this "man of the world"

did what any sophisticated person would do.

He made an appointment with the psychiatrist.

On the appointed day, they went to the psychiatrist's office,

sat down with him and began to talk. It wasn't long before

the wise doctor realized what the problem was.

So, without saying a word, he simply stood,

walked over in front of the woman's chair,

signaled her to stand, took her by the hands,
looked at her in the eyes for a long time,

then gathered her into his arms and gave

her a big, warm hug. You could see the change come
*
*over the woman. Her face softened, her eyes lit up,

she immediately relaxed. Her whole face glowed.*
*
Stepping back, the doctor said to the husband,

"See, that's all she needs." With that, the man said,

"Okay, I'll bring her in Tuesdays and Thursdays each week,
*
*but I have to play golf on the other afternoons."*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the House." *
*He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. 
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know 
that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare 
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, 
I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then you're going to draw me a bath 
so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's 
going to dress me and comb my hair?"



*
*His wife replied, "The funeral director"!*


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## Sassycakes

*Colonel Patrick Miller was arrested for running after a woman *
*through a hotel lobby, both of them entirely naked. Brought up on charges, 
he got off on a technicality. As his lawyer pointed out, it is not necessary 
for an officer to be in uniform provided *
*he is properly attired for the sport in which he is engaged.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she*
*asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me
to get together with my dear departed husband?
He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
"John Smith," replies the woman.
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot
of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we
can identify people by their last words.
Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes!
I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with
another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."



"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Male Fairy Tale*
*
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess 

Will you marry me? The Princess said NO...

and so the Prince lived happily ever after 

and rode motorcycles and became a Marine and made 

love to skinny big breasted woman and hunted and 

raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women 

half his age and drank whiskey beer and patron tequila 

and never paid child support or alimony and ate what 

he wanted and screwed cheerleaders and kept his house 

and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work

and all his friends and family thought he was friggen 

cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and 
*
*left the toilet seat up....................The end*


----------



## win231

I try to avoid clichés like the plague.


----------



## win231

I wouldn't mind being the last man on earth, just to see if all those women were telling me the truth.


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” John tells his friend Bob. “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” Bob suggests. “But what if my wife finds out?”*
*“Heck, this a new age we live in John. Go ahead and tell her about it!” So Bob goes home and says, 
“Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.” “Forget it,” says his wife.
*
*“I’ve tried that _ _ it’s never worked.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*                           Man's view on Marriage*
*1..Twice a week, we go to nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
   good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays I go on
   Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds, hers is in Ontario and mine is in
   Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
   Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the        kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
   maker.. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to
   sit-down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
   in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
   off .
9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, " Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."
10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right; I just didn't know her first name was*
*    Always.*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

*Definitions of Children*

*AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.*
*PRENATA
When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

*
*
*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, 
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. 
I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two 
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green 
twice a week for the last two months."This time the priest asks, 
"Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread a part.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; 
"No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.



At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.



The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were 

back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.



But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.



Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

**
*
 When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park 
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to 
me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, 
fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite 
brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and
 my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?*
*"She said, "I can't remember where I live!*


----------



## Sassycakes

*I know this is true because I'm a Philly Girl !*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

A Man lived in Apartments and one evening he opened the window to see if it was raining.

He opened his hand and a Glass Eye fell into it from above!.

He looked up and saw a very attractive looking young Woman.

He.. " Is this yours? ".

She.. " Yes, it is,  thank you so much for catching it ".

He.. " I will bring it up to you ".

He goes up to her Apartment and she is very profuse with her thanks and says ," Would you like to join me for Dinner, I have plenty ".

He says.. " Thank you, yes, I would be delighted ".

After Dinner, she says, " I like you very much, would you like to stop the night with me? ".

He, noticing how Beautiful she was, with a gorgeous figure, says " Yes please... Do you always invite strangers in for the night? ".

She looks coy and replies...

" Only those who catch my Eye ".


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

A group of tourists were about to go on a hike.  The Park Ranger was warning them about the dangers posed by Grizzly Bears.
He said, "Problems can occur when people unexpectedly stumble across bears. We advise hikers to wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn bears of their presence.  And always be alert when you know bears are in the area, especially if you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked, "How do we identify bear droppings?"

"Easy," replied the ranger.  "They're the ones with the tiny bells in them."


----------



## peramangkelder




----------



## peramangkelder




----------



## Pappy

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you…don’t bother coming after me”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I’m coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.

She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread; be back in five minutes.”


----------



## MickaC




----------



## RB-TX

*The Difference Between Man and Woman! *

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.


----------



## Sassycakes

*GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOUR*
*

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. 


She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, 
got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. 


She found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. 
She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this." 


She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP. 


Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. 


A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. 
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. 


She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys 
in my car. I must get home.


Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" 


He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in 
less than a minute the car was open. 


She hugged the man and through tears said 
"Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man." 


The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. 
I just got out of PRISON yesterday,
I was in prison for car theft." 


The woman hugged the man again sobbing, 
"Oh, thank you God!
You even sent me a Professional!" 


Is GOD Good or What!?

_________________*
***************************************************


----------



## Sassycakes

*A local bakery decided to hire a part-time *
*counter person and ended up with a local co-ed 
who could work evenings and weekends. 
She had one eccentric characteristic 
(which was unknown when she was hired) 
in that she wore short skirts and no underwear. 
Needless to say she was a real beauty and had a 
figure to die for. The bakery has a small storefront 
so it was necessary to have the various products 
on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the 
uppermost items. The item that had previously 
been least popular but was fast becoming the 
most popular with gentlemen in particular was 
raisin bread, which was kept on the uppermost 
shelf. One day an elderly gentleman came in 
and ordered a loaf of bread.


The young lady without thinking scurried up the 
ladder and then realized she had not asked the 
gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted so 
she nodded and asked, "Raisin?" "No", he replied *
*"but it is beginning to twitch just a little.*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after  *

*His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.  

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"  

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  

My husband passed away last night."  

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.  

Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"  

She says, "That he did, Father."  

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "  

She says, He said,  *

*'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Wife: I found Aladin’s lamp today.*
*

Husband: Wow, what did you ask for darling?


Wife: I asked him to increase your brain power by ten times.


Husband: Oh… love you so much.. Did he do that?

*
*Wife: He laughed and said multiplication doesn’t work with zero.*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*  Ex-Wife!*
*
George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new

wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was

standing nearby watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks,

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married

I think it's time you quit golfing.
Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart."

George gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong"?

George says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife" she screams! "I didn't know you were married before!!!"
*
*George retorts, "I wasn't..."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that *
*most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, 
so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, 
"I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides 
to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, 
"I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands 
him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." 
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to 
get home from work, and greets him with, 
"I know the whole truth." The father promptly 
hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, 
"I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops 
the mail, opens his arms, and says, *
*"Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again.

Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. 
Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, 
"Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex 
during the day before the Sabbath.

There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, 
"My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."

Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, 
"My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."

Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, 
"So how is the new husband?"

"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful famil*y."


----------



## Sassycakes

*A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.*
*
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. 
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. 
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. 
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially 
nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; 
it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him."
Have sex with him whenever he wants to

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, 
I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
*
*"He said you're going to die," she replied.*


----------



## Furryanimal

*Doris’s husband died, very unexpectedly. A few weeks after the funeral, her next door neighbour was asking her what happened. “ Oh, Bert and me decided to have some carrots from the garden with our roast dinner, and whilst he was out in the garden, he had a fatal heart attack.” “ My goodness,” replied her neighbour,, “ Whatever did you do?” “ Well,” says Doris,,, “ I opened a tin of peas instead*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  Baby Photographer *
*
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. 
On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and
 said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby 
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps 
a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too - you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions 
and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
 but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.
 People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. 
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
 Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.*
* It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip of the beer and a small voice say's "Nice Tie!!". 



The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. A little puzzled he takes another sip, and again the voice says "Nice shirt Too!!!". 



Now the man calls the bartender back and complains that everytime he takes a sip of beer he hears a small voice. 



The bartender says "Oh never mind that! That's just the peanuts, they're complimentary!!


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

Oh boy......

Two Rangers stopped a guy for speeding on the state highway in Waxahachie, Texas. As they were writing up the ticket, one Ranger turned to the other and said, "How do you spell Waxahachie? "~~~The other one replied, "I don't know. "~~~So the first one said, "Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it wrong it will get dismissed. "~~~The second Ranger said, "Why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Waco? "


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*Things you should know about Marriage*
*
It was the first night of the newlyweds in their bridal suite and the young husband 
was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride
 was sitting patiently in bed waiting. “Aren’t you coming to bed darling?” 
she said sexily.”Not in your life!” he replied. 
“My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and 
I’m not going to miss it for anything!”

******************************************************************************


On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?” 
She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”

******************************************************************************


A couple were married for 67 years. The husband was asked if 
in all those years he had ever thought of divorce. 
“Heavens no,” he replied. “Murder yes, but never divorce.”

***************************************************************************


 Well, I do hope that the bride and groom enjoy their honeymoon. 
I assume that’s where they’re going anyway. 
When I asked the groom what he was doing after the wedding he *
*said he was going to Bangor for two weeks…*


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## Sassycakes




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## Furryanimal




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## Furryanimal




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## Furryanimal




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## MickaC




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## Pappy

GROAN........



A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools " together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!! "Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice. Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!! "The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice. The voice came once more, "FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!! "She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord? " The voice replied, "NO you idiot!...this is the Ice-Rink Manager. "


----------



## RB-TX

*Faithless and helpful *

_A couple on their25'th anniversary: _ 

He: Thank you, Dear, for 25 years of faithful companionship.

She:  Something has been bothering me, and I need to make a confession to you.
I have not been 100% faithful.  Actually, there were 3 occasions.

He, completely devastated: Tell me why.  Haven't I given you everything - a beautiful 
home, a luxurious life style, prestige in the community?  Tell me about the first one.

She: Remember when you wanted to buy this house and the bank said you didn't make 
enough money for the loan?  Well - I visited the bank president and we got the house.

He: Well, you did it so we would have a nice place to live, so I forgive you.  What was 
the second time?

She: Remember when the top job of sales manager was open and you wanted that job 
but the CEO had someone else in mind? Well, I had a meeting with the CEO and you 
got the job.

He: You did it so we could have enough money to live comfortably, so I forgive you. 
When was the third time?

She: Remember when you wanted to be president of the country club and needed
31 more votes to get elected? Well, - - - -  - -


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## Lewkat

View attachment 123218


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## RB-TX

*LISTEN CAREFULLY

Did you know that on the Canary Island, there are NO canaries?*
And it the same thing on the Virgin Islands.

You mean no virgins?

No Man, I said, "The SAME Thing."  NO canaries!


----------



## Sassycakes

*Two friends were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.*
*One man said fondly; “ I dreamed I was on vacation.” 
It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.
“I also had a great dream,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”
His buddy looked over and exhorted, “You had a dream you had two women, and you didn’t call me? “Oh, I did,” said the other, 
“but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Information about Men*
*1. Men are like .......Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm   they are.
2. Men are like .......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change  them.
3. Men are like .......Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
4. Men are like .Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
5. Men are like Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
6. Men are like ........Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
7. Men are like ........Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
8. Men are like .......Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
9. Men are like .....Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
10. Men are like Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
11. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  A blonde asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?"*
*"Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."
*
*The blonde said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."*
**********************************************************************************

*How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?*
*You give them a shampoo that says "rinse, wash, and repeat."
*
*******************************************************************
*A blonde was driving along the highway and approached a service **station with a sign that read, "Clean Restrooms."
So she did.
*
**********************************************************


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## MickaC




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## Sassycakes

*A lovey dovey couple are sitting on a bench in the park and she says, 
“My ear hurts me…” He kisses it gently and asks, “Is it better now, my darling?”
 “It’s all gone,” giggles the girl, “but now I have a pain here,” and she points to her neck. 
The boykisses it tenderly and asks, “Better now, sweet pea?” “It’s all healed, my love! 
But now I have a very bad pain here,” she replies and points to her clavicle. “Excuse me,”  
politely interrupts an old man from a neighboring bench, “this is really impressive! *
*Do you heal hemorrhoids as well?”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A guy comes to work very sick and asks his boss for advice. *
*The boss says, "You know, if it were me, I'd just go home and 
let my wife really take care of me in all aspects, if you know what I mean. Now go and do just that, Roger, you look pretty bad." - 
The guy gratefully leaves and comes back the next day, looking much better. - 
"So, how was it?" asks the boss, "Everything alright?" - "Yes," replies the guy, *
*"I feel much better, thank you. By the way, you have really nice furniture!"*


----------



## Pappy

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw

Because he's just......

.

.

.

.

... a commontator


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## MickaC




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## MickaC




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## Pappy




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## Sassycakes

*Two old ladies

Fanny and Mary, two small and elderly ladies living in a retirement community in Florida are sitting on a porch and enjoying some cold ice tea after a game of bingo. They've been gossiping for a while, when suddenly Fanny asks:

'Mary, dear, you and your Frank have been happy in marriage, right?'

Mary smiled and nods, her eyes get misty at the memories.

'Ah, yes. God bless his soul, Frank was a wonderful husband and father.'

Fanny nods to herself, starts fidgeting with her glass, and then asks in a much quieter voice"

'Dear, have you and Frank...have the two of you ever have mutual orgasm?' the old lady blushes while asking, and Mary looks at her thoughtfully, clearly thinking back to her marriage.
*
*'You know, Fannie...I think we had State Farm'*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.*

*The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. 
When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. 
She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. 
This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question.
 She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought 
"nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid."

The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. 
The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. 
"Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed."

Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? 
I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." 
Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room."

Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. 
The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" 
And the groom said "Every time I tried to have sex with her, 
she just told me I wasn't clean enough."

The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. 
He waited for hours and hours. Right near the end of his shift, the man 
finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. 
"There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?"

"I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying *
*"We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."*


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## Sassycakes




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## MickaC




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## MickaC




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## Pappy

View attachment 125208View attachment 125208


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## Sassycakes




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## Furryanimal

*Drawing God*



A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


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## MickaC




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## Sassycakes

*Jack said to his friend Bob:  “I’m ready for a vacation. *
*But this year I’m going to do it a little differently. 
The last few years I’ve taken your advice about where to go. 
Three years ago you told me to go to Hawaii. 
I went to Hawaii and my wife got pregnant. 
Then two years ago you told me to go to Italy, and my wife got pregnant again. 
Last year you suggested Spain, and guess what? My wife got pregnant again!” 
Bob asked: “So what are you going to do differently this year?” Jack replied: *
*“This year I’m taking my wife with me*


----------



## Sassycakes

*What Happens to IRS Cheaters In Afterlife*

*Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. 
God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, 
the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, 
ugly woman for the next five years.
A few days later, as Tony’s walking in the park with his stupid, 
hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely 
drop dead gorgeous woman. “John, what happened?” Tony asks.
“I have no idea,” John replies. “I was told I have five years of 
amazing sex to look forward to. 
The only thing I don’t understand is why she always yells *
*‘Damn income taxes!’ whenever we have sex.”*


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## Lewkat




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## MickaC




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## Pappy

A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 pounds, I really need 20 pounds."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 pounds, just lend me 10 pounds!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 pounds. Lend me 5 pounds please if you will."

I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."


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## MickaC




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## Sassycakes

*The small business owner was confused about paying an invoice, *
*so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. 
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University 
and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, 
how much would you take off?” The secretary thought for a moment, *
*then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A bill collector came knocking at the door of a woman who had fallen behind on her bills. *
*“All right, lady,” the bill collector said. “How about the next installment on that couch?” *
*The woman shrugged. “I guess that’s better than having to give you money. *


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes

*These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, “I can’t let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.” Dejected, he turned and walked away.*
*
The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, “Can’t let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.” The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.
*
*The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, “Come on, Fanny, he’s not going to let us in either.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...*
*Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn’t think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, “I think we should get married!”

“Wait,” his girlfriend said, taken aback, “are you serious?”

“I think I am,” he said.

“You’re proposing to me here on the couch?” she asked.

“Yes, I guess I am,” he said.

“That’s not much of a proposal,” the girlfriend said. “I think you can do better.”
*
*“I thought so, too,” the young man said. “But your sister already said No "*


----------



## Sassycakes

*There were 3 men in a brothel. One going up the stairs, one in going down the stairs, and one in a room. What were their nationalities?*
*
The man going up the stairs was Russian.

The man going down the stairs was Finnish.
*
*And the man in the room, Himalayan.*


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## Pappy




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## MickaC




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## MickaC




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## MickaC




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## RB-TX

*Lawyer Joke 

A man who was spoiling for a fight walked into a bar and shouted, "All lawyers are a**holes."

A guy at the end of the bar said, "You better take that back because I resent it!"

First guy: "Why do you resent it, are you a lawyer?"

Second guy: "No, I'm not a lawyer, I'm an a**hole."*


----------



## Pappy

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.  "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor,  "when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I  walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my  wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my  mistake."  "What did you do?" asks the doctor.  "Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!


----------



## Sassycakes

*I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!*

*The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!

How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!

You really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math…it's easy as pi!

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

What did the hamburger name it's baby? Patty!

Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!

One lung said to another…we be-lung together!

Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

I used to go fishing with Skrillex. But he kept dropping the bass!

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii!

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee!

Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!

My girlfriend thought I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti… You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!*

*Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!*


----------



## Sassycakes

* A woman with a toothache goes to visit her dentist. The dentist tells her the tooth will have to be pulled, she says, "Oh, no! I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth pulled."

The dentist replies, "Well, make up your mind. I'll have to adjust the chair."*


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## MickaC




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes

*A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. *
*After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings 
as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse 
to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper 
and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.
*
*"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"


And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"*

*"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband ... the mail man "*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A man sits in a bar, reading a newspaper. Suddenly he is tapped on his shoulder by another man: *
*"Excuse me sir, but do you know Mrs. Appleblossom?"

The man folds up his newspaper, coughs slightly and replies: "just a moment sir", 
after which he takes out a little black notebook. "A, A, A... [finding the name in the book] 
yes, actually I do know Mrs. Appleblossom.".

He puts the notebook back into his inside pocket picks up the newspaper and continues reading. 
The other man taps his shoulder again: "Excuse me sir, but have you been to bed with Mrs. Appleblossom?"

The first gent puts the newspaper down again, finds his notebook and checks: "B, B, B... 
ahh, yes, I have been to bed with Mrs. Appleblossom"

He starts putting the notebook away when he once again is tapped on the shoulder: 
"Excuse me sir, but I am Mr. Appleblossom, and I am very disappointed"
*
*"D, D, D... ahh... yes sir, so was I!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? *
*If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... 
It is about time you became informed:

A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!*
*F ... Fake*


----------



## Pappy

The Hypochondriac

Danny was an extremely nervous patient whose imagination afflicted him with all kinds of misfortunes that never materialised. One afternoon he staggered into the house. He was bent forwards. He tottered to a chair and, still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it.

'Jenny,' he gasped, 'it's happened at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn't straighten up. I can't lift my head.'

When the doctor had arrived and looked at Danny, Jenny inquired, 'Is there any hope, doc?'

'Well,' the GP replied, 'it would help a great deal if he would undo the third buttonhole of his waistcoat from the top button of his trousers.'


----------



## Lewkat

A man phones his local church and says, "I want to speak to the Head Hog."  The secretary chafed at the pastor being addressed so disrespectfully and said so.  The caller once again, ignoring her, said, "let me speak to the Head Hog."  By now the secretary, fully annoyed asked him what he wished to speak to the pastor about.  The man said he wanted to tell the Hog that he wished to donate $75,000.00 to the church.  With that the secretary responded, hold on sir, "the big fat pig" just came in.


----------



## Sassycakes

* Little Johnny asks his father: "Where does the wind come from?" - *
*"I don't know." - "Why do dogs bark?" - "I don't know." - 
"Why is the earth round?" - "I don't know." - 
"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?" - *
*"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."*

****************************************************************************************



*  A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, “Grandpa, what do you call it when there are **two people on top of each other in bed?” - The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, “That’s intercourse, my boy.” - 
“OK,” nods Mikey and off he goes. - He comes back after five minutes and says, 
“Grandpa, that’s not right. I’ve just spoken to mom and she said that it’s
 not called intercourse but a bunk bed!”
************************************************************************
*



 A man and his wife are getting ready for a gala event. The wife gets into her dress and asks her husband, *
*"Does this make my butt look too big, Derek?" - The husband sighs and says, "Sweetie, do you promise that
 you won’t get angry, no matter what I say?" - The wife gulps and says, "Of course, Derek, I promise, *
* I won’t get angry." - The husband looks her over from all sides and says, "I slept with your cousin."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*S**omethings I've learned*
*
1.Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his
*
*15. Sadly, all men are created equal*


----------



## Sassycakes

* Men vs. women:to please a woman you must,*
*-love her
-kiss her
-hug her
-listen to her
-adore her
-talk to her
-be there for her
-walk with her
-shop with her
-satisfy her
-cry with her
-hold her

To satisfy a man a women must
-have sex with him
-give him food and a beer*
*-let him watch his tv*


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pinky

A man from the city had a dog that could walk on top of the water. 

He took it to the country on a hunting trip and hired a guide and went shooting ducks. 

He shot a duck some distance from shore and the dog trotted out on top of the water and brought it back to shore.  He shot another one and the performance was repeated. 

The guide didn’t say a word.  The hunter from the city asked if he didn’t see something unusual about the dog.  The guide said, “Yes, your dog can’t swim.”


----------



## Pappy

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools " together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!! "Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice. Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!! "The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice. The voice came once more, "FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!! "She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord? " The voice replied, "NO you idiot!...this is the Ice-Rink Manager. "


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## Lewkat




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## Sassycakes

*                                                 Dating Advice*
*A guy says to his pal, “I know you love your little daughter, my friend. 
So how will you handle it when she gets older and wants to date?”

His friend replies, “I’ll pull her date aside and whisper in his ear, 
‘That’s my sweet little girl you’re taking out tonight and I love her 
more than life itself. If you’re even remotely considering kissing her, 
touching her, or being in any way physically affectionate with her, *
*I just want you to remember this one thing: 
I don’t mind going back to prison.’”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*After 45 years at the company and ready to retire, 
the boss walked into the office *
*on his last day of work. He didn't notice his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His long-time assistant walked up to him and said, “This morning when you left your house, 
did you close your garage door?”

The boss said he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. 

Later, as he checked himself in the office mirror before his final lunch in the company cafeteria, 
he noticed his fly was open, so he zipped it up. Then he understood his assistant's question 
about his 'garage door.'

He headed out, paused by her desk, smiled, and asked, “When my garage door was open, 
did you see my stretch limo parked in there?”
*
*“No,” she said, “I didn't. All I saw was a rusty Olds with two flat tires.”*


----------



## win231

"A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. She took the seat right beside his.  Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" 
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sex Education Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." 
"Really!" he said. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." 
"Tonto Goldstein,” he replied.  “But my friends call me Bubba."


----------



## Sassycakes

*A doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. *
*Until we get in contact with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs."   "Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient.   
"Not really. But it's the only thing we can shove in under the door."*
**********************************************************************************


*Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you **stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”*
************************************************************************

*You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!*


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.



 The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.

“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.

“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.



The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.

“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.

“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.

“I want a root beer float,” said the second piggy.

“I want water, lots and lots of water,” exclaimed the third little piggy.



“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have you only ordered water?”



You’re gonna hate me for this…

I mean really hate me.



Hold on to your seat…

J

The third piggy says—



“Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home.’”


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

*Man with an ostrich*

*A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. 
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ 
and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’ ‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ 
and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke’
The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same’
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘Same,’ says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact 
change in your pocket every time?

‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and 
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in 
my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars 
or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It’s brilliant!”

That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount 
of money is always there,’ says the man.

The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’

The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a 
big butt & long legs who agrees with everything I say’*

*MORAL OF THE STORY: Men are brilliant until they think about a woman*


----------



## Sassycakes

*"Walking the Dog" *
*This young girl about 7 year old had a dog which she took for a walk everyday after school.
Well, one day her dog was in heat, so her father told her that she couldn't walk the dog for a week or so because it wasn't feeling well.
His daughter became very upset and cried for most of the night.
The next day the father came up with a plan. He put some gasoline on the dogs rear end to hide the smell from the male dogs.
Well when the girl got home she was happy to find that she could now walk her dog again.
About an hour later, the girl returned without the dog.
The father asked, "What on earth has happened to the dog?"*
*The girl replies, "Well she ran out of gas a few blocks back, and is being pushed home by another dog."*


----------



## RadishRose

*What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?*

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.


----------



## Pappy

I'm posting this with a heavy heart...



As much as I love my antiques and collecting them, it takes up too much of my time and I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics such as cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be getting rid of my entire collection to anyone interested. 



Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only please and don't insult me with lowball offers.



Thanks for reading and understanding...



1. Dustpan and brush



2. Sponges



3. Dusters



4. Mop and bucket



5. Window cleaner



6. Vacuum



7. Dishwashing liquid



8. Laundry detergent



9. Fabric softener



10. Laundry baskets



11. Toilet brush



12. Cleaning sprays



13. Scrubbing brushes


----------



## Sassycakes

*Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.*
*
 "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.

"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
*
*"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A man wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their wedding anniversary.*
*So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, 
she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all 
the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes 
shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"

His wife replied, "I just love. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, 
but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
*
*The blonde replied, "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"*


----------



## Sassycakes

* A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.*
*
"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry,
 I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
*
*"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*Edward was married for just one year. One day, he received a letter from some kidnappers. *
*The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100, we will kidnap your wife."
Edward wrote back, " See? friend, I am afraid I can't give you my promise?*
*$100 is too much for me? I hope you will keep your promise intact."

************************************************************************   *

*A US guy came to India. He met an annoying Bengali, who asked too many questions. *
*He asked the American whether he has a son.
The American: Nope
Bengali fellow: "I am so sorry, but, is your wife is impregnable?"
The American: "Well, um, that's not exactly the word,"
Bengali Fellow: "I mean, she is inconceivable?"
The American: "Um, not quite --"
Bengali fellow said I think she is what unbearable?"*
*The American fellow jumped, "Well, exactly, that's pretty much sums it up.
*************************************************************************** *


*Brutus asked his grandfather, "Grandpa, how did you become so rich?"
Grandpa: "Well, son, it was 1928 - the time of the Great Depression. I was lost in the financial crisis. I invested $10 in buying some chocolates. I sold them for $50. Again, the next day I bought apples pricing $40. *
*I again sold them at a profit. I had made up roughly $40 in one week. In the meanwhile, my wife's father died and left us 100 million dollars."*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. ~~~She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions. " ~~~She says, "Why all the clocks in the window? "~~~And he says, "And what should I have in my window? "


----------



## Sassycakes

*  One day a farmer wakes up to go check on his cheese cow. 
He walks up and finds her dead in the grass. The man is so upset 
he kills himself. Then his wife wakes up. She finds her husband dead 
and goes to the lake and kills herself. Next the first son wakes up 
and notices everybody is dead. He goes down to the river and sees a mermaid. 
She swims up to him and says, "Having a bad day, huh? I'll tell you what. 
If you make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back to life. 
But if you don't, I will kill you." He tries to do it, but doesn't make it. She kills him. 
Then the second son wakes up and after seeing his dead parents, also goes to the river where 
he sees his dead brother. The same mermaid swims up and tells him what she told his brother. 
He asks, "If I make love to you 20 times, what will you do?" She tells him, "If you are able to 
perform 20 times in a row, I will bring everyone back and make you the richest man alive." 
He then asks, "Well if I do it 20 times in a row, what's stopping you from dying? *
*That's what happened to the cow."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in **holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" 
asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" 
Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.
" Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, 
"You're sure you want a nephew?" *
*"Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor." "Well, congratulations, you're holding him."*


----------



## Sassycakes

* Three men were in a hospital visiting room, waiting for their pregnant wives who were in labour at the labour room. Minutes later, a nurse came and asked, who is Mr Timi that works with 3 crowns milk? Mr. Timi said: It’s me! *
*The nurse said: congratulations sir, your wife has just given birth to triplets.
The nurse went in, came out again, and asked: Who is Mr Dan that works with 7 up bottling company?
 Mr Dan said: It’s me! The nurse said: congratulation sir! 
Your wife has just delivered 7 babies. As the nurse went inside, *
*the third man who works with 33 lager beer fainted!*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Furryanimal

A well-heeled gentleman walks into a pet store in London looking to buy a dog. “Something unique,” he tells the shop owner.

“Come this way,” says the shopkeep, and leads the man to the back of the store and to a small, mangy-looking dog in a cage.

“What’s this?” The man asks.

“That, my dear sir, is a Rarie. Only a handful are known to exist.”

“I said I was looking for something unique, not a street mutt.”

“Ah,” says the shopkeep, “but the Rarie has a special talent. He’s a talking dog.”

“A talking dog?” the man asks dubiously. “Have him say something then.”

“Oh, he can’t talk yet; he’s just a pup. But take him home, care for him well, and by the time he’s an adult he’ll start talking.”

“Interesting,” says the man. “How much?”

“Five thousand pounds.”

So the man pays the shopkeep and takes the dog home.

As per the shop owner’s instructions, he brushes the dog daily, feeds him a rich diet, and allows him to sleep in his bed.

After one year the dog has grown to an impressive size, but has not uttered a word.

So the man waits another year. “Come on boy,” the man encourages. “Say something.”

But the dog just lets out a huff and walks away. This goes on year after year.

After five years the man is exasperated. He calls the shop and demands his money back. The shopkeep informs him there are no refunds.

The man slams down the phone, eyes the sleeping dog, and says, “Well then I’ll be rid of you once and for all.”

He drives the dog to the mountains, parks atop the highest peak, and drags him by the collar to the edge of a cliff. He’s about to hurl the dog over the side when he hears a voice.

“‘Allo,” says the dog. “What’s all this then?”

“I’ve had you for five years and you haven’t said a word,” says the man in a deranged voice. “So I’m going to tip you over the edge of this cliff.”

“You’re going to do what?” asks the dog. “Tip me over this cliff?!?”

“That’s right,” says the man.

The dog looks down over the precipice. “My, that’s a long way to tip a Rarie.”


----------



## Pappy

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and

announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.


----------



## Sassycakes

*HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????*
*

 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, 
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.*


----------



## mike4lorie

The Last Kiss...



> Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers, were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
> 
> George a Marine and their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin’?
> 
> She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!
> 
> While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?”
> 
> So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
> 
> After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”
> 
> "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.”
> 
> 
> It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed...


----------



## mike4lorie

> The company Pfizer, which just announced the vaccine against Covid-19 soon, is the same company that created ******.  Therefore, we can fully rely on the announced vaccine, because if Pfizer was able to raise the dead, they will much more easily cure the living.
> 
> ...but Trump is fuming mad because he believes that Pfizer deliberately delayed their announcement until after the election.  However, Pfizer responded by telling him the company is about erections not elections.
Click to expand...


----------



## mike4lorie

Number 8 Cracked me up!


> Why We Love Children
> 
> 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
> "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
> "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
> "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
> "You know, explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
> 
> 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad"
> "What?"
> "I'm thirsty.  Can you bring drink of water?"
> "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
> Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad.."
> "WHAT?"
> "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
> I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
> Five minutes later.. "Daaaa-aaaad....."
> "WHAT!"
> "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
> 
> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
> The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'
> 
> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
> 
> 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
> The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
> 
> 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
> I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
> "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
> 
> 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
> His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
> The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
> "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
> "Yes," he answered.
> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
> The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
> The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
> After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.
> 
> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
> The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
> One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'"
> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
> 
> 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
> The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
> She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
> 
> 10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
> The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


----------



## Sassycakes

*While on a date a women goes to the bathroom*
*
Man: Uh... wrong way that's the men's room

Woman: Oh my GOD! this is so embarrassing!

Man: It's not a big deal.

Woman: I guess not, but you know what they say, old habits die hard.
*
*Man: ...............*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. *
*I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.*
**************************************************************************************
*A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, *
*light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. 
The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, 
"Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, 
"I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. *
*The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
****************************************************************************
 Two men are talking and one says to the other, *
*“My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, 
has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?” *
*The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”
************************************************************************** 

T**hree old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. 
Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." *
*The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"*


----------



## MarkinPhx




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*At a party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest- a large, *
*oversexed woman making advances to her husband. She tried to ignore 
it until they disappeared into a bedroom together. Immediately she rushed into the room, 
pulled the two apart and yelled: “Look, lady! *
*My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t install them!”

**************************************************************
Three men were fishing and one man says, "I think I caught something” so he reels it in. *
*it was a magic lamp. A genie popped out of it and said "I’ll grant you 3 wishes one each" 
the first guy said 'I want to be 2 times as smart as I am now' so the genie snapped his 
fingers and he started saying all this shakes beer stuff that he's never heard before. 
The second guy says 'alright, I want to be 3 times as smart as I am now.' 
so the genie snaps his fingers and he starts saying all this world war two stuff 
that he's never heard before. Then the third guy says "I want 
be ten times as smart as I am now” the genie says 'no you don’t’ the guy says 
'yeah, I do’ the genie gives in and snaps his fingers an turns him into a girl.

*****************************************************************************

*Who’s the world’s best salesman?*
*A married man who can make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her*
*underwear in his car.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A** man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher: 
“Are you a gambling man?” The butcher says “Yes”, so the man said: 
“I bet you fifty bucks that you can’t reach up and touch that meat 
hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.” 
“But I thought you were a gambling man” the man retorts. “Yes I am,” says the butcher “but the steaks are too high.”
**********************************************************************************
*Louise was away from home on Thanksgiving Day for the first time and **she was missing her home and family desperately. Louise decided to *
*cook a turkey herself, just like her Mum used to, so that she could feel closer to her family.

Louise returned home for the celebrations and recounted her experience to her Mum saying, 
'Mum. it was so difficult to eat the turkey.'

'Why was that, dear' asked Mum in a concerned way, 'was it not cooked properly?'

'How would I know?' responded Louise, 'it wouldn't sit still.*
*********************************************************************

A minister is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying **to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and *
*the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the minister moves closer 
to the boy's position, and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the minister smiles benevolently *
*and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy

Adam, an elderly man was seated in the doctor's waiting room. When he was called in to see the doctor, Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room.

After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement. 'That must be a miracle doctor in there.' he exclaimed. 'What treatment did he give you? What's his secret?'

Adam stared at Paul and said, 'Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analysed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.'


----------



## Sassycakes

*A**s a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, *
*reading: “5 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, 
and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and 
sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks 
at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. 
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the
butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. 
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the 
He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the 
garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. 
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? 
This dog’s a genius!” The owner responds, *
*“Genius, my ass… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!” *


----------



## Pappy

It’s Friday!!! 

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*What body part grows 10 times its size when stimulated?*

*The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
*
*One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework, And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed." *


----------



## Pappy




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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*A woman  was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after*
*work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of
a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful,
sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous
that the woman could not help but stare. The man noticed that he was the
object of the woman’s rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.
Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered
in her ear. “I’ll do anything,” he whispered in a deep, soft
“Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized,
for fifty dollars. There’s just one condition…” Trembling with anticipation,
the woman asked him the condition. The man said, “You have to tell me what you
want me to do in just three words.” The women gazed into his hypnotic
considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty
She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear…
*
*
*
*
*
**
*Clean My House*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A married man was visiting his “girlfriend”, When she requested that he shave his beard. *
*“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” 
James replied, “My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. 
She would kill me!!” “Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, 
in a sexy little voice… “Really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!” 
The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in. 
That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while 
she was sleeping. 
The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and 
“Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here
*
*
*
*
*
*

My husband will be home soon!” *


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## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




----------



## win231

It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus. She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.

Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.

A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.

She turned around & slapped him across the face & screamed: "How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."


----------



## Furryanimal




----------



## Pappy

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure."She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."


----------



## win231

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful much-younger gal at his side.  He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25.00 in your account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"


----------



## win231

A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
 "Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
 Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
 Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
 Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
 Wife: "Oh."
 Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
 Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
 Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
 Wife: "Oh."
 Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
 Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
 Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
 She got the raise.


----------



## Sassycakes




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## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*Boy: The principal is so dumb!*
*
Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...
*
*Boy: Good! *Walks away**


----------



## Sassycakes

* A mother takes her three sons to enroll in school. The teacher asks.
Teacher: What are your son’s names?
Lady: This boy’s name is Leroy, this other boy’s name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son’s name.
Teacher: Isn’t it confusing having all three boy’s named the same?
Lady: Oh no, you see when it’s time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it’s time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for dinner and they all come a runnin.
Teacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy?
Lady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name.*


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## Sassycakes




----------



## RB-TX

Sassycakes said:


> View attachment 137957


GROAN - - Funny though.  Thanks


----------



## Lewkat




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## hollydolly




----------



## Pappy

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.



A Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Beretta Pistol:
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with

a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must

have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber

pistol with me, I would not be here today!



Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus


----------



## Furryanimal

My friend Jack Hughes went to France, but whenever he introduced himself to people they got all defensive.”



“During an interview recently the journalist asked if I minded her using a recorder. I said that was fine, and then she started playing Three Blind Mice.”


----------



## hollydolly

J'accuse....


----------



## Sassycakes

*Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.*


*During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.*


*
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made


arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years,

Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community,

and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact, had done much of the work
himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop

which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
*
*_________________*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck*
*
After 6 children, this started to get expensive, & the congregation decided to hold another meeting, to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling & inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair, and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
*
*In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain's also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers" The entire congregation said, "Amen."[/ISPOILER]*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Why God Created Eve*
*

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.



9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.



8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.



7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.



6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.



5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.



4. As the Keeper of the Garden, since he didn't have metal sheds or greenhouses, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.



3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.



2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"



And the #1 reason why God created Eve:


*
*1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than that!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a *
*song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer 
says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."

When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly miss dialed and got an auto repair shop instead.

"Hello," the mechanic answers.

"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.

The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."

"Oh, is that a record?" she says.
*
*"No," he says, "but it's better than average.*


----------



## win231

A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf. They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up so they complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.
The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them.”
The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”


----------



## win231

Three guys frequent a Chinese restaurant. They constantly give the poor waiter a hard time – demanding water & tea refills every few minutes, hardly spending any money, making a big mess at the table, making fun of the waiter’s Chinese accent & never leaving a tip.
The waiter never complains. 
Finally, after many such visits, one of the jerks says to the waiter: “We feel bad about how we’ve been treating you, so from now on we’re going to respect you & today, we’re even going to leave you a big tip.
“Ah, wonderful,” says the waiter. “Now I can stop pissing in your tea.”


----------



## win231

Three psychiatrists are talking about their jobs.
One says: "People are always coming to us with their problems, but we have no one to go to with our own problems. Since we are all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?"
The first psychiatrist says: "I'm a compulsive shopper & I'm deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can."
The second psychiatrist says: "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently write false prescriptions for my patients so I can get the drugs."
The third psychiatrist says: "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."


----------



## win231

A teenager walks into a pharmacy & tells the pharmacist: "I need a dozen condoms. My girlfriend's parents are leaving town tonight, & we're gonna bang our brains out."
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"
The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."
His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."
The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."


----------



## RB-TX

Sassycakes said:


> *Why God Created Eve*
> 
> 
> *10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
> 
> 
> 
> 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
> 
> 
> 
> 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
> 
> 
> 
> 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.
> 
> 
> 
> 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
> 
> 
> 
> 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
> 
> 
> 
> 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, since he didn't have metal sheds or greenhouses, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
> 
> 
> 
> 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
> 
> 
> 
> 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
> 
> 
> 
> And the #1 reason why God created Eve:*
> 
> 
> 
> *1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than that!"*



Eve was near perfect - - then God put a  mouth on her and ruined the whole thing.
(Drop the knife - this was not from me, I read it someplace.)


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## Lewkat




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## Pappy

Think about it......

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe."


----------



## Pappy

It's 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Sue.  Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby tells him that they'll probably go to the park or to the cinema. Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes," he replies. "Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"


----------



## Chris P Bacon

Husband takes the wife to a Club. 
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works. 
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." 
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"


----------



## Furryanimal

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


----------



## Sassycakes

*1. Husband was talking to his friend and said *
*I divorced my wife on the 1st night.
Friend: Why?
Husband, I saw the label on her panties, “Tested OK by Mafatlal & Sons.”

2. Husband: Bill my wife is very scared of water.
Bill: How did you know?
Husband: Twice when I got home I saw her having a bath with the security guard.

3. The Nurse was taking a blood sample from Joe. She held his finger and squeezed for the blood. So Joe laughed.
Nurse: Why did you laugh?
Joe: After this, it is the urine test right?

4. Husband & wife having dinner together.
Wife: Darling, tell me something that would make me both happy & sad.
Husband: Your Boobs are better than your sister’s!

5. On the first night of the marriage the husband gives the wife $500. and says 
“I have never done this for free.”
The wife returns $200. and says “I have not charged more than this *
*before'*


----------



## Sassycakes

* Four Catholic Men And A Catholic Woman*
*Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the 
Catholic men tells his friends, “My son is a priest when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24″ waist, and 34” hips. *
*When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh – My – God.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

* Girl's First Time February 18, 2013, 10:35 am*
*As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, **but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. 
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; 
pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. 
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.*
*You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

* During a blind date, as a man and a woman were filling each other *
*in on their pasts, the man said, "A genie once gave me the option of
having more sex or better memory".
"And which did you choose ?"The woman asked 
And the man replied **I don't remember".*


----------



## Sassycakes

Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. 
One moron says, "Hey, let's have a picnic over there under that tree." 
The other moron says," No, no, let's have it in the middle of the road." 
They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. 
Not long afterward a car 
came speeding towards them, swerved off the road, and ran into the tree. 
One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."


----------



## Chris P Bacon

Two things I learned from online dating ...​ 
*Geography and disappointment!*


----------



## Sassycakes

*What do you call a hippie's wife? A Mississippi!

What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick? Put it on my bill!

I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!

Where did the computer go dancing? The disc-o!

What do bees do if they need a ride? Wait at the buzz stop!

What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!

What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain? Hi Cliff!

What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos? A chipmunk!

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!*


----------



## Sassycakes

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates.
St. Peter comes and asks the first one, "What is your contribution
in earth to enter Heaven?" "I am a pediatrician and have brought
thousands of Lord's babies into the world."
St Peter replies, "Good enough to enter the gates."
The same question is asked of the second doctor. He says,
"I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries
three times a year to cure the poor."
St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question,
blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."
St. Peter thinks for quite some time and says,
"Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."


----------



## Sassycakes

*After an accident, three dead souls find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to Christmas*

*The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties. 
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"*
_*Answer... "They're Carol's.*_


----------



## Sassycakes

*Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying.*
*1st Child: Why are you crying?
2nd Child: I came here for a blood test.
1st Child: So? Are you afraid?
2nd Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the first one started crying profusely.
The second one was astonished.
2nd Child: Why are you crying now?*
*1st Child: I came for a urine test! *


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

CAN ADMINS OF THIS PAGE DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES.

SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR ****** FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK WON'T TURN OFF.


----------



## Sassycakes

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the 
'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. 
She can't possibly be mine!!

'Nonsense,' the doctor said'. 

'Even though you and your wife both have black 
one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'????? ?'This can't be, 
our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? ' 

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. 
We only made love once or twice every few months.' 

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently 

'It's rust.'











​​










​














​









































​​​​


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## Sassycakes

*Since I am a Philly Girl , Take my word for it that it's true.   *


----------



## Sassycakes

*A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.*
*They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell, and fell to the sidewalk below. 
Two guys were walking past.
One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."


The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. 
He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, 
trips and falls to the sidewalk below.
The same two guys walk by.
The first asks, "Do you know him?"
The second guy responds, *
*"No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."*


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Furryanimal

A married man is shopping in a mall for a christmas present for
his wife because he had forgotten to buy it until the day
arrived. He walks into a pet store to get a unique and unusual
present for his wife. He looks through the categories of
animals, but can’t find anything, so he asks an assistant if
there is anything unique in the store because he needs to find
something quick. The assistant thinks for awhile then says,”yes,
we have a parrot that can sing christmas carols.” The man
becomes ecstatic about this and asks the assistant to show him
the parrot. As he is shown the parrot, the assistant tells him
that the parrot’s name is Chet and the parrot will only sing if
you warm up his feet with a match. So the assistant pulls out a
match and lights it, he then puts it under the parrots foot.
This causes the parrot to sing “Jingle bells”, and the man say,”
Wow, i’ve never seen anything like this.” The man then asks if
the parrot can sing anything else. The assistant puts the match
under Chet’s left foot. Chet then sings “silent night”. The man
is amazed and buys Chet. He takes Chet home and shows his wife
everything that it can do, and she’s amazed. The wife asks what
would happen if they put the match between Chet’s legs. He
replies,” I don’t know, lets try it.” Without saying more they
light a match and put it between Chet’s legs. Then Chet clears
his throat and starts singing, Chet’s nuts roasting on an open
fire…………..


----------



## Furryanimal

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?​ 
It’s Christmas,Eve.


----------



## Furryanimal

A guy was driving down a country lane when he felt a bump. He stopped and having got out of the car realised he had hit a rabbit. Moments later another car pulled up and a man got out walked over to ask what had happened. The first guy told him he had run over a rabbit. The second gent said he was a vet and would take a look. The vet declared. “That's not a rabbit, it's a hare and I have something that should help". The vet proceeds to administer ointment onto the hare. Moments later it jumps up runs 10 yards turns and waves at them, runs another 10 yards turns and waves at them and it does this until out of sight. The first guy said. “Wow that was amazing, what's in that ointment”

Wait for it………

The vet says. “Hare restorer with permanent wave",


----------



## Sassycakes

*Andrew went to buy a birthday gift for his wife.*
*Every kin and kith was invited over that night, *
*to celebrate her fortieth birthday. Andrew wanted something special for his wife, so he went to see some cute little music boxes. A blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, 
he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. Later, 
at dinner, among the huge gathering, 
he gave the gift to his wife and asked her to open it.
When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, *
*She Ain't What She earlier was!" And that was how the fight started.*


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## Sassycakes

*Andrew was laying down carpet in some woman's home. *
*As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. 
He looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. 
He decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it 
into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and 
commented on what a nice job he had done.
"Andrew, The carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes; *
*I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, by the way, have you seen my cell phone?*


----------



## Sassycakes

*One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. *
*As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, 
his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so 
drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Bob continues between hungover gasps, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ´units´ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn I am sorry I missed that."
*
*"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name was guessed four or five times."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,*
*"Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain
the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons.
When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!
" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' **balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.*
*They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should **go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the *
*most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able 
to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever, and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of 
God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a 
commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, *
*"but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."*


----------



## Sassycakes

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the darkroom, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"


----------



## Sassycakes

*Dad! I am in love with our Neighbor John's daughter, Emily.*
*Dad: Son, I have to tell you something. Emily is actually your sister. Don't tell mom.

*few weeks pass by*

Son: Dad! I am in love with our neighbor David's daughter, Jessica.

Dad: Don't tell mom, but Jessica is your daughter, too.

*few years pass by*

Son: Dad! I am in love with your friend Tom's daughter, Miranda.

Dad: Son, I know this may come as a shock, too, but Miranda is your sister.

**The son gets furious and finally decides to tell his mom**

Son: MOM! I told Dad about Miranda, Emily, and Jessica are in love with me, but he told me they're my sisters!
*
*Mom: Love all you the girls you want! He is not your Dad!*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, 
a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, 
single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it.
The woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?"*
* And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Because you're really freaking ugly."*


----------



## Sassycakes

* Sister Teresa is walking down to breakfast when she meets another nun walking up."Good morning, Sister Assumpta!" says Sister Teresa. "Good morning, Sister Teresa!" *
*says the other. "Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning?"



Puzzled, Sister Teresa continues on her way to the refectory. "Good morning, Sister Pieta!" 
she says to the nun serving porridge. "Good morning, Sister Teresa!" says the other. 
"Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning?"

Now the tiniest bit miffed, Sister Teresa goes and eats her porridge, then as she is returning her bowl and spoon for washing she notices the Mother Superior. "Good morning, Reverend Mother!" 
she says, trying not to wince in anticipation. Sure enough, the Mother Superior asks the same as the other two, and Sister Teresa is on the verge of tears. "Why is everyone asking me that? 
Have I been rude? Do I look bad-tempered?" she wails.
*
*"Oh no, dear!" says the Mother Superior. "It's just that you've got the Bishop's slippers on."*


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## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle " attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price! "The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one! "Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either! "


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

*The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research *
*and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of 
milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. 
They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. 


However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. 
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, 
she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. 
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
*
*The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."    *


----------



## horseless carriage

Did you know that the Brit speak colloquial term for a truck is a lorry? Think about it because it's an industry that I have worked in most of my life. So when I asked my wife if there was anything special that she might like for Christmas she answered that she would love some lorry oil. I thought that it was a result, I've got plenty of access to that. It was only after she had unwrapped the five gallon drum that I learned it was spelt L'Oréal.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

Men and Women recording things in their diaries:
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
The conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed,  but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing".
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him and not to worry about it.
He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say,  'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He affair with someone else. My life is a disaster. Fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thought were somewhere else. 

Husband's Diary

A one-foot putt … who the hell misses a one-foot putt


----------



## Sassycakes

*The new NILE Virus (Type C) -----   I thought you would want to know about this *
*the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, 
and others cannot take care of this one.

It appears to target those who were born prior to 1950.


Virus Symptoms

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. 

2. Causes you to send an email that offends some people.

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. 

7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. 

8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE

9. Causes you to Let ‘Spell Check’ Cause you a lot of email FOPAS.

10. Causes constant butt dials due to uncontrolled farts. 

This virus is called the C-NILE virus!

A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately, as we age, it gets worse.

And if you can't admit to doing any of the above, you've obviously caught the other strain - the D-NILE virus.*

*Doctors say that lots of naps and a daily dose of Dr. Jack Daniels liquid medicine might help.*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## horseless carriage

Your mother was right. See what happens when you swallow your chewing gum!


Sassycakes said:


> *The new NILE Virus (Type C) -----   I thought you would want to know about this *
> *the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee,
> and others cannot take care of this one.
> 
> It appears to target those who were born prior to 1950.
> 
> 
> Virus Symptoms
> 
> 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
> 
> 2. Causes you to send an email that offends some people.
> 
> 3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person.
> 
> 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
> 
> 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
> 
> 6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished.
> 
> 7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.
> 
> 8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE
> 
> 9. Causes you to Let ‘Spell Check’ Cause you a lot of email FOPAS.
> 
> 10. Causes constant butt dials due to uncontrolled farts.
> 
> This virus is called the C-NILE virus!
> 
> A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately, as we age, it gets worse.
> 
> And if you can't admit to doing any of the above, you've obviously caught the other strain - the D-NILE virus.*
> 
> *Doctors say that lots of naps and a daily dose of Dr. Jack Daniels liquid medicine might help.*


----------



## horseless carriage

Sassycakes the above post proves that I'm infected with the C-Nile virus. How I quoted your post and mixed it with a pictorial joke that I had posted previously, I've no idea.


----------



## Tish

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius,but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-hoo and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.hoo-hoo? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who- ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.


----------



## Tish

A traumatized man shares his story...

"Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.   On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.

"I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day".

By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.  

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.  

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'   There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.  

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.  

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. 

It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.

And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she lept at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.  

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.  

Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience.   I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.  

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.  

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter and not succeeding.  

Somehow I lived through it all.  

A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.  

I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.


----------



## horseless carriage

The bikini line wax sounds like a true story Tish. I remember one night when my wife needed some of that Deep Heat menthol cream massaged into a painful area on the lower part of her back. She put her back out laughing at me. Moral of the tale, don't scratch the nuts with Deep Heat under the finger nails. I thought that the crown jewels had caught fire.


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## horseless carriage




----------



## Sassycakes

*A Greek and an Irishman*
*
  A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. 
With a flourish of finality, he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
*
*The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says**“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.

“So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”

No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

“Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs. Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”

“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs. Murphy.

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”

“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs. Murphy,*
*It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.

Don’t spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.*



*What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds!!*


*Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?*

*What is the difference between a s**mart blonde and a UFO?*
*There have been sightings of UFOs.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*   A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

   Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: 
“Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed.
 Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. 
The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, *
*and got so high that we fu**d without a condom.”*


----------



## RB-TX

It was a large occult meeting - the auditorium was nearly full.

The MC spoke into the mic, "Everyone who believes in ghosts, please stand."  Almost everyone stood.

MC: "Everyone who has seen a ghost, remain standing."
About half sat down.

MC: "Everyone who has touched a ghost, remain standing."
Only three people remained standing.

MC: "Anyone who has has sex with a ghost, remain standing."
Only one man, 95 year old George Densal, was standing.

MC: "Please come up on stage and tell the audience how it was that you happened to have sex with a GHOST."

George: "GHOST!, forget it, I thought you said, GOATS!"


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*One day a farmer wakes up to go check on his cheese cow. He walks up and finds her dead in the grass.*
* The man is so upset he kills himself. Then his wife wakes up. She finds her husband dead and goes to the lake and kills herself. Next, the first son wakes up and notices everybody is dead. He goes down to the river and sees a mermaid. She swims up to him and says, "Having a bad day, huh? I'll tell you what. If you make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back to life. But if you don't, 
I will kill you." He tries to do it but doesn't make it. She kills him. Then the second son wakes up and after seeing his dead parents, also goes to the river where he sees his dead brother. The same mermaid swims up and tells him what she told his brother. He asks, "If I make love to you 20 times, what will you do?" She tells him, 
"If you are able to perform 20 times in a row, I will bring everyone back and make you the richest man alive.
"He then said, *
_*"Well if I do it 20 times in a row, what's stopping you from dying? That's what happened to the cow."*_


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” 
The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. 
I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!”
 He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? 
Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, 
the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. 
Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”


----------



## StarSong

@Sassycakes, my response would have been, "Sure, but I don't have a million dollars"


----------



## Furryanimal

What do visitors to the International Space Station have to do before boarding? A. Pay the parking meteor.


----------



## Pappy

Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space? To find Pluto.

2. I am throwing a party in space, can you help me planet?

3. Why didn’t the sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees!

4. Where do keyboards go to have dinner? The space bar.

5. Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend? Because she needed some space.

6. Why can’t you tell anyone about space? Because it’s too out of this world!

7. Why couldn’t the astronaut put the helmet on her head? Because she didn’t have enough space.


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

*One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. 
"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?"
She continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me **there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!*"


----------



## Sassycakes

*Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Susan said unhappily,*
*“Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?”*
*The woman gave her an angry look. “Susan, how dare you talk about your father like that"!*


----------



## Dana

*The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.*

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister: Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.

Putin: Well, these are just minor issues.

Prime Minister: Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't even taken off yet!!!


----------



## Sassycakes

*Jim meets a very attractive woman at a bar*
* Named Stacey
 They had some drinks and were having a 
 very good time.
 After awhile Stacey asked Jim if he would
 Like to go home with her 
 “Sure!” replies Jim. “Let’s go!” 

At Stacey’shouse, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey’sdesk and asks, “Is this your brother?”
“No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. “Is it your
husband?” Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!”
“Then, it must be your boyfriend!” 
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says,
“No, silly!” “Then, who is it?” 
Stacey replies,*
*“That’s me before my operation!”*


----------



## Sassycakes

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on his wife's movements. The husband demanded more than just a written report -- he wanted a video of his wife's activities.

        A week later, the detective returned with a tape and sat down to watch it with the husband. As the taped played, he saw his wife meeting another man. He saw the two of them laughing in the park. 
      He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them          having a playful fight in the street.
        He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

      When the tape ended, the distraught husband said: "I can't believe            this!"What's not to believe?" asked the detective. "It's right up there         on the screen. The camera never lies."

      The husband replied: "What it means is, I can't believe my wife is so          much fun!"


----------



## Hapiguy

Little Bobby had been to a birthday party, and knowing his weakness, his mother looked him straight in the eye and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake?"

"No" replied Bobby, "I only asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it and she gave me two more pieces just of her own accord."


----------



## tbeltrans

Did you know that females are stronger than males...

It takes 6 men to carry a guy to his grave, and only one woman to send him there!

Tony


----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## Sassycakes

*The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. *
*Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, 
"Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have 
during the day before the Sabbath.

There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, 
"My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."

Finally, they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, 
"My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So let's do it."

Finally, on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, 
"So how is the new husband?"
*
*"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.*
*
When the wife comes to the office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than the bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'.

That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' 

On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'.

So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex anymore."
*
*The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?*


----------



## JonDouglas

I continue to be disappointed that a group of squids is not called a squad.


----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

An American was touring Mexico. After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?” The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!” The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish. But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!” The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!” The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter and said, “These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!” * * * * * * The waiter replied, “Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.”


----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## JonDouglas

The local hospital ER admitted a man today who had inserted 25 small, plastic horses in his bottom.  Doctors describe his condition as stable.


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Dana

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”
The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”
“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t know what to do.

And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, “your honor, wait!”
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.

“She also stole a can of peas!”


----------



## Pappy

Thought you all might get a kick out of this:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." 
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## JonDouglas

My wife yelled down the stairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across  you body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and is stabbing it?"

Being quite concerned, I shouted back, "No . . . !"

She answered, "How about now?"


----------



## Hapiguy

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed

him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Sassycakes

*1:Joe said I divorced my wife on the 1st night.*
*Friend: Why?*
*Joe: I saw the label on her panties, “Tested OK by William and Sons.”
********************************************************



2.Joe: Yeah my wife is very scared of water.*
*Friend: How did you know?
Joe: Twice when I got home I saw her having a bath with the security guard.
*************************************************************


*3. The Nurse was taking a blood sample from John. She held his finger and squeezed for the blood. *
*So John laughed.
Nurse: Why did you laugh?
John: After this, it is the urine test right?

****************************************************



*4. Husband & wife having dinner together.*
*Wife: Darling, tell me something that would make me both happy & sad.*
*Husband: Your nipples are better than your sister’s!
***************************************************************


5. On the first night of the marriage the husband gives the wife $500. and **“I have never done this for free.”*
*The wife returns $200 and says “I have not charged more than this before.”
*******************************************************************


----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## Pappy




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## Hapiguy




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## Hapiguy




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## Hapiguy




----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## Hapiguy

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a b...job.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don’t forget the coffee!”


----------



## Sassycakes

* HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????*

*These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with a male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?*
*WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.*


----------



## Hapiguy

When her husband returned from his doctors appointment, she asked “What did the doctor say?’

"The doctor said I am on the verge of a heart attack and any activity at all will surely kill me instantly.”

After discussion they decided that since sex was a primary concern they should surely not sleep together and the stairway up to the 2nd floor bedroom was also concerning. 

So it was decided the he would sleep downstairs and she would sleep upstairs.

This seemed to be working out fine, but by the 5th night he couldn’t hold out without sex any longer.  

So in the middle of the night he started to make his way slowly up the stairway.  When he got to the landing he bumped into his wife….

They were both startled of course and she said “Were do you think you’re going?”

He said "I was coming up to die…and where were you going…

She said “I was coming down to kill you”

_Don't you love stories that have a __happy ending. _


----------



## JonDouglas

Recommendation from artists in France on the cover design for the UK"s post-brexit passport:


----------



## Hapiguy




----------



## JonDouglas

I certainly hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal because ElonGate would really be drawn out.


----------



## Hapiguy

The wife greeted her husband as usual every evening at the door of their 12th floor apartment.  She knew right off this particular evening that he must have had an extremely hard day as Saul was furious.

When he calmed down enough to explain he roared “I have finally heard enough bragging from that elevator operator”.

“Every night he brags that he has had every woman in this apartment building except one”. 

She said, “It must be that snooty Mrs. McGinty on the 23rd floor."


----------



## win231

For decades, two statues, one male & one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"Since you've been such exemplary statues, I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes & during that time, you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

They immediately dashed for the bushes with grins on their faces. There was lots of giggling & shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, they emerged from the bushes with smiles on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking.

The female statue turned to the male statue & said, "Great! Only this time, _you _hold the pigeon down & _I'll_ poop on its head."


----------



## win231

It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus.  She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.

Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.

A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.

She turned around, slapped him across the face & screamed: _"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"_

The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."


----------



## Hapiguy

Result of home schooling.....

Little boy....."Grandpa can we go to McDonald's and get something to eat?"

Grandpa says "Sure if you can spell McDonald's."

Little boy....."How about we go to KFC?"


----------



## Pappy

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig. "The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago. "


----------



## Hapiguy

Perfect for Covid time shopping ?


----------



## Hapiguy

Two dogs were chasing another dog when one turned to the other and said "Ain't that a bitch"

Other dog said......"Sure as heck better be"


----------



## Sassycakes

*And That's how the Fight Started!*

*A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. *
*He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, *
*"You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have       collapsed by now."
*********************************************************



A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. *
*The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. 
"Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated. 
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's *
*time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"*


----------



## Pappy

Amazing
In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.. Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.


----------



## Hapiguy

Pappy said:


> Amazing
> In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .
> On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
> The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
> Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
> Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.. Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
> Probably wasn't the same elephant.



At first I thought this was going to be a shaggy-dog story...you threw me a curve...it's a Groaner


----------



## Pappy

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”


----------



## JonDouglas

Last night I had a nightmare, I dreamed I was a muffler and woke up exhauted!


----------



## JonDouglas

I assume you knew that Darth Vader's spinster sister, Ella, passed away.  Her life was full of ups and downs.

Also, stories like that work on so many levels.


----------



## Hapiguy

@JonDouglas.   They are called a Lexiphiles.    

I'm not needling you but why don't you create a new thread sew people that like them can enjoy them.


----------



## JonDouglas

Hapiguy said:


> @JonDouglas.   They are called a Lexiphiles.
> 
> I'm not needling you but why don't you create a new thread sew people that like them can enjoy them.


Actually, I was struggling to come up with paraprosdokians but where there is a will, I want to be in it.


----------



## Sassycakes

*It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."*
*
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, 
so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, 
we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave 
me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was 
a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. 
"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. 
"I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor 
apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. 
I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
*
*"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.*
*
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,
" he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, 
and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
*
*Three days later, she became his stepmother*


----------



## Sassycakes

*This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep the dog, a dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for the dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!*

*Now read without the word dog.*


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Glowworm

A German walks up to the hotel bar.

"Two glasses of sherry please."

Barman

"Dry?"

German

"No, aren't you listening? I said two!"


----------



## Glowworm

A guy says to his friend "My wife's credit card was stolen last year but I haven't reported it to the police."

"Why not?" His friend asks.

"Because the person who stole it uses it less than she did."


----------



## Glowworm

I don't have problems posting blonde jokes because as you can see from my picture I'm blonde too.

A blonde driver was pulled over by a blonde traffic cop. The cop asked to see her drivers license. The blonde digs around in her purse, pulls out a make up mirror, looks at it and hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, returns it and says.

"Sorry about that. If I'd known you were a cop too I wouldn't have pulled you over."


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Glowworm

There had been a lot of thefts at a building site. The site manager told the foreman that next time something disappeared he must search everyone before they went home. Next evening the foreman had all the men lined up.

"Right, take your coats off all of you."

The site manager asked the foreman.

"What's disappeared now?"

"A wheelbarrow!"


----------



## JonDouglas

A nutritionist is invited to speak in the local nursing home. The topic of her presentation: Foods to avoid eating. Halfway into her presentation, she says: “If you eat these types of foods it will negatively impact your overall health, not only your physical health but especially your emotional well-being.” She turns to the audience and says, “Can someone give me an example of a type of food you should avoid eating at all costs?” An elderly man, about 90, seated in the rear of the room, raises his hand and says, “Wedding cake!”


----------



## Keesha




----------



## JonDouglas




----------



## JonDouglas

> *A man goes to a counselor, worried about his wife temper.
> 
> The counselor asks, "What's the problem?
> 
> The man says, "I don't know what to do.
> 
> Every day my wife loses her temper for no reason. It scares me."
> 
> The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that.
> 
> When it seems your wife is getting angry, take a double shot of  Jack Daniel's bourbon and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish,  but don't swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down."
> 
> Two weeks later, he goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.
> 
> He tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea.
> 
> Every time my wife started to get angry,
> 
> I swished the Jack Daniels and she would start to calm down. It was amazing!
> 
> What is it about Jack Daniels that makes it work like that?
> 
> The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing.
> 
> Keeping your mouth shut is the trick.*


----------



## JonDouglas

*A Flow Chart For Seniors Who Cannot Remember What To Do:*

*



*


----------



## Pappy

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"


----------



## Sassycakes

*Kind Lawyer & Poor Family*

*One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home,…

when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road

“Why are doing that?” the lawyer asked.

“I don’t have any money for food” the man replied.

“Oh, then you must come with me”.

“But, Sir, I have a wife and five children.”

“They are all welcome”.

So the family got in the lawyer’s car and he sped off towards his mansion.

“You’re so kind to help so many people” the wife gushed during the journey.

“It’s fine”. said the lawyer.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*
*“I haven’t cut my grass in weeks”.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.*
*
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,…

because it was “just the cutest thing!”

My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know… 

* * * * * * * * * * *
*
*“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”*


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

*Marriage… in different directions…*
*
Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don’t even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I’m not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

* * * * *
*
*Now after the marriage you can read it from below to up !!!!*


----------



## win231

A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.  She gets up to look for him.  She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.  He appears to be in deep thought,  just staring at the wall.  She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye & takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks.
The husband says, "I was just thinking about when we first met 20 years ago & started dating.  You were only 16.  Do you remember?"
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring & sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied.
The husband asks, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face & said, "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to prison for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek & says, "I would have gotten out today."


----------



## win231

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist.  The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.
In an equally loud voice, he  replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT SEX CHANGE SURGERY.  BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”


----------



## Pappy




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Jondalar7

What is the difference between a G spot and a golf ball?
.
,
,
,
.















A man will search for a golf ball!


----------



## Pappy




----------



## horseless carriage

In order to kick start the economy and the hospitality trade in particular, pubs are to reopen. But to gain entry I have to get an app on my phone. Fat lot of good that is, the flex won't stretch from my house to the pub.


----------



## ohioboy

Three men were fishing in a boat. To begin the story, one man was blind, one man was deaf and the other, lame.

As they were fishing one man said, "Hey, there is someone walking on water coming towards us". The figure approached the boat and said, "I am the Lord, I know your handicaps and will cure you all".

The Lord turned to the blind man and said "My son, you are blind". Then tapped him on the head and said, "Open your eyes, you can see now". The man opened his eyes in disbelief and started crying and thanked the Lord.

The Lord said to the deaf man, "You my son can not hear". The Lord tapped the man on the head and said, "You can now hear my voice". The man started crying and thanked the Lord.

As the Lord approached the lame man he said, "My son, you can not walk, I will cure you". As the Lord was about to tap the man on the head, the man yelled out, "Don't touch me, I'm on Disability".


----------



## Glowworm

Two snails were walking (if that's what snails do) along a piece of paper. Suddenly one of the snails rushed off as fast as he could. When his friend finally caught up with him he asked "Why on earth did you do that?" The other snail replied "Well I came to a bit where it said 'Tear along the dotted line'."


----------



## Glowworm

Two men are in a grocery store shopping. They get to the Oriental Spices section. One of them takes a can off the shelf, looks at it and says "Wow, this stuff must be really smelly." His friend asks why he thought that. "Well look here. It says 'Pierce lid with pin and push off'."


----------



## Pappy

An American was touring Mexico. After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?” The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!” The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish. But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!” The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!” The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter and said, “These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!” * * * * * * The waiter replied, “Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.”


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful much-younger gal at his side.  He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25.00 in your account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"


----------



## win231

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. They continue shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband says, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."


----------



## win231

A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
 "Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
 Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
 Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
 Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
 Wife: "Oh."
 Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
 Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
 Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
 Wife: "Oh."
 Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
 Now, the wife is really furious & asks, _"Did my husband say that, too?"_
 Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
 She got the raise.


----------



## win231

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.  His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed & he was feeling worn out & depressed.  As soon as he arrived home, his wife started yelling at him: _"It's midnight....What have you been doing all night......? Where the hell have you been? Dinner is cold & I'm not reheating it!"_
Too tired to argue with her, he poured himself a drink & went to take a shower.  His wife followed him to the bathroom, continuing to yell at him.
While he was in the shower, the phone rang.  It was her husband's office & she was given a message for her husband - that his client, James Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go into the bathroom to give him the good news.  When she opened the bathroom door, her husband had just stepped out of the shower & was drying himself off.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around & screamed,_ "Dammit woman....don't you ever stop?"_


----------



## win231

Grandpa & Grandma were visiting their kids overnight. Grandpa found a bottle of ****** in his son's medicine cabine  He asked his son about trying one pill.
The son said, "I don't think that's a good idea, Grandpa...they're very strong & very expensive....they cost $10.00 per pill."
"I don't care," says Grandpa. "I'd still like to try one.  Before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.  He called Grandpa & said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. The other $100.00 is from Grandma."


----------



## Sassycakes

*As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze*
*you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed 
still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference,
so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation,
and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally, I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone,
I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, 
making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you*



*.................. you bloody mosquito.*


----------



## RB-TX

Preacher Joke

A new preacher was assigned to a country church in west Texas cattle country.  His first Sunday on the job,  just as he unlocked the church doors, there came a horrendous thunder storm; a real gully washer and trash mover. The preacher thought that surely no one is going to show up in this rain, but to his surprise one wet cowboy came riding up on his horse.   He went into the church where the new preacher was waiting and  hoping for the rain to stop. 

       The cowboy and the preacher chatted for a while and the rain continued even harder and no one else showed up.  The preacher said to the cowboy that he didn't think anyone else was coming,   so they might as well go home.  The cowboy shuffled his feet a     bit and finally said, "I don't know anything about preachin, but       I know if I loaded a wagon full of hay to feed the herd, and        only one cow showed up to eat, I sure as heck would feed it."

       The preacher thought about what the cowboy said, and realized he had a point.  He told the cowboy to take a seat in a pew.  He then went to the pulpit and started the service he had planned.    He sang the songs planned for the choir; he said a couple prayers; and he took the collection plate to the cowboy who put in a dollar.  Then he preached a sermon as if he had a full congregation filling every seat in every pew.  His sermon went on for well over an hour.

       When he was done, he walked to the door of the church to bless the cowboy as he was leaving.  He shook hands with the cowboy and said, "I feel real good about today.  I really think I did the right thing, don't you?"

       The cowboy said, "I don't know anything about preachin, but if I took a wagon full of hay out to feed the herd, and only one cow showed up, I sure as hell wouldn't dump to whole load!"   

       I think this falls in the category of, 'You can't win every        time'.


----------



## ohioboy

I had a dream one night that I ate a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up my pillow was gone.


----------



## JonDouglas

I left my HS girlfriend because she had this obsession with counting.

After all these  years, I wonder what she's up to now.


----------



## Glowworm

A man went into a pub - this is pre Covid - walked up to the bar and ordered a beer. Then he ordered a round for everyone else and for the barman too. When it was time to pay he told the barman he had no money. The barman got angry and threw him out.

Next evening he returns. Same story - he walked up to the bar and ordered a beer. Then he ordered a round for everyone else and for the barman too. When it was time to pay he told the barman he had no money. The barman got angry and threw him out again.

Third evening same story - he walked up to the bar and ordered a beer. Then he ordered a round for everyone else. The barman says "And I suppose you'll order one for me too?" 

The guy replies "No way, one beer and you get violent!"


----------



## win231

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.  I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.  I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.  When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.  I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me.  So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.  I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?"


----------



## SetWave

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don't serve minors.”


----------



## SetWave

Joe Biden, The Pope and a horse walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"


----------



## JonDouglas

There once was a lady quite fat
Who had triplets: Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
but hell in the feeding,
as there was no tit for Tat.


----------



## Pappy

Theater tickets for seniors 
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat.”

The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to
call the manager.”

Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment, he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?”

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
        "The balcony."


----------



## Sassycakes

*John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.*
*
Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it.

After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.

Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.

At their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.

The conversation turns to the secrets of a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.

Mary answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."

*


----------



## Sassycakes

*The police came to Jack's front door tonight holding a picture of His wife.*
*
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, Jack answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
*
*Jack  said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."*


----------



## ohioboy

Sassycakes said:


> *John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.*
> 
> *Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.
> 
> At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it.
> 
> After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.
> 
> Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.
> 
> At their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.
> 
> The conversation turns to the secrets of a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.
> 
> Mary answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."*



Anonymous poet:  

Frankie and Johnny (in part)

Frankie and Johnnie were lovers,
O, my Gawd, how they could love,
They swore to be true to each other,
As true as the stars above;
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

The Sheriff took Frankie to the gallows,
Hung her until she died,
They hung her for killing Johnnie,
And the undertaker waited outside;
She killed her man, 'cause he done her wrong.


----------



## JonDouglas

Question:  What's the difference between a lobster with a breast implant and an old Greyhound bus station?
Answer: One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station.


----------



## ohioboy

Geography teacher to student:

"Use the word Isthmus in a sentence".

Student: "Is mus be my lucky day".


----------



## ohioboy

What's the difference between a Northern girl and a Southern girl when it comes to men and having sex?

Northern girl: "You can".

Southern girl: "You ALL can".


----------



## ohioboy

What happened to the midget hooker?

She got short changed.


----------



## ohioboy

I was walking down a country road and passed a field with a cute sheep. I said "Hi little sheep". It said "Hi Daaaaaaaad".

???


----------



## ohioboy

I woke up from my operation and said "Doc what did you do to me"?

"As you asked, I gave you a frontal lobotomy".

"No doc, I said I wanted a bottle in front of me."


----------



## ohioboy

Knock knock?


----------



## WillieAnderson1937

ohioboy said:


> Knock knock?


come in


----------



## WillieAnderson1937

MickaC said:


> View attachment 152968


Hohohohohohohobhoahahahahahhohoahoa hahahaha


----------



## ohioboy

You are supposed to say "Who's there".


----------



## WillieAnderson1937

ohioboy said:


> You are supposed to say "Who's there".


no


----------



## win231

Three psychiatrists are talking about their jobs.
One says: "People are always coming to us with their problems, but we have no one to go to with our own problems.  Since we are all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?"
The first psychiatrist says: "I'm a compulsive shopper & I'm deeply in debt, so I over bill patients as often as I can."
The second psychiatrist says: "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently write false prescriptions for my patients so I can get the drugs."
The third psychiatrist says: "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."


----------



## win231

A teenager walks into a pharmacy & tells the pharmacist: "I need a dozen condoms.  My girlfriend's parents are leaving town tonight, & we're gonna bang our brains out."
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"
The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."
His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."
The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."


----------



## JonDouglas

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Perfectly normal. Those are just contractions.”


----------



## Gary O'

Had to pass this one forward (not sure it its already been posted);

*60TH Birthday Treat

*​
Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 60th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.



She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"



The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.



She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."



"But I didn't use them."



'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."



"But I didn't go to any of those shows."



"Well, we have them, and you could have."



No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.



After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.



The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"



"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."



"But I didn't!"



"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


----------



## Pappy

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Joey standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and had small United States flags mounted on both sides of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Joey.”

“Good morning Father,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Father, what is this?”

The pastor said, “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Joey’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30


----------



## Pappy

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport 
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. 

She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the OPP with carrying weapons of maths instruction. 

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Premier said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns"; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle." 

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Trudeau said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." 

Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any Prime Minister


----------



## JonDouglas

Apparently yelling “Get a load of this guy!” at people coming to the Sperm Bank is a fireable offense.


----------



## Sassycakes

Do you drink beer?

 Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: What color is your Ferrari?


----------



## Sassycakes

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birth

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.


On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. 
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.


‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way 
to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under 
bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out,
 ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. 
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.


----------



## Sassycakes

*I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.



So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car, and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room, and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we? I didn’t respond.



After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal… Some shopping, cleaning, and cooking. After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, Mommy, where is my washcloth?

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.


Never going back to that doctor again…Never.*


----------



## ohioboy

Patient to Gyno: Doctor when you examine me, do you use two fingers or one?

Gyno: Just one, why?

Patient: Could you start using two, I need a second opinion.


----------



## JonDouglas

On hearing that her 99-year-old grandfather had died , Susan went to her 98-year-old grandmother's house she asked her grandmother how he died. "well, he had a heart attack during our Sunday morning sex," said granny. Susan was somewhat aghast to hear that her grandparents were risking their lives making love at that age. "We did it to the church bells," said granny." Nice and slow, in on the ding out on the dong."

Granny paused and wiped her tears away.

"He'd be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come by."


----------



## Sassycakes

*This morning I was sitting on a  bench next to a homeless man,  I asked him how he ended up this way.*
*
He said:  “Up until last week, I still had it all!!!  A cook, my clothes were washed  & pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school …

 ”Life was good “What happened? I asked : Drugs?  Alcohol?  Divorce?”
*
*“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said.  “No, no … I got out of prison.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said.

My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.” Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks …. so how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.” The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”
*
*The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:”Had Graeme circumcised.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

* Walking down the street, a man hears a voice:*
*
“Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.”

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.

The astonished man continued walking to the crosswalk.

The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
*
*“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “Where the hell were you when I got married last week?”*


----------



## Feelslikefar

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.​





I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.


----------



## Furryanimal

More a musing than a joke..

The existence of the common cold implies that there are uncommon, rare, epic, legendary and premium colds.....​


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

**
*
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice:

“Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.”

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.

The astonished man continued walking to the crosswalk.

The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.


*
*“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “Where the hell were you when I got married last week?”*


----------



## SetWave




----------



## Furryanimal

A burglar was moving quietly in a dark house one night when he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He froze immediately, and after a minute of holding perfectly still, he began to wonder whether he had only imagined the voice. He opened a drawer and began removing silverware, and again he heard the voice: "Jesus is watching you." Again he froze in the darkness, and as soon as he began moving again, he heard the voice a third time: "Jesus is watching you." Looking around, he saw no other person, but finally noticed a parrot in a cage, in the moonlight near the window. "Hey, parrot," he said softly. "Was that you saying 'Jesus is watching you'?" 
The parrot said, "Yep." The man said, "Well, you're a very smart parrot. What's your name?" The parrot replied, "Clarence." At this the man began laughing. "'Clarence'? 'Clarence'? What idiot would name a parrot 'Clarence'?" 

The parrot replied, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiler 'Jesus'."


----------



## RnR




----------



## Furryanimal

A termite walks into a bar and says "Where's the bar tender?"


----------



## Sassycakes

*A man and his wife check into a hotel.*
*The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed. Suddenly a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room and throws her onto the floor.

Irritated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager.

The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
*
*“Look, lie here on the bed — you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”*

*So he lies down next to the wife.*
*Just then the husband walks in."What are you doing here?*
*"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?" the manager says*


----------



## JonDouglas

Apologies if posted previously.


----------



## Furryanimal

Logical conclusion... 

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found 
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that 
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. 

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American 
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an 
advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the 
British". 

One week later, the Irish Department of Agriculture reported the following: 
"After digging as deep as 30 feet near Ballyhaunis, Co Mayo, Mick O'Connor, 
a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely feck all. 
Mick has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone 
wireless."


----------



## Pappy

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old 
Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin . 

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. 
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image 
staring back at him. 

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.' 

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the 
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in 
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go 
there and look at it. 

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. 

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the 
mirror. 

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch 
he's running around with.'


----------



## JonDouglas

Professor:  Why haven't you studied?
Student:  I have super powers.
Professor:  What kind of super powers do you have?
Student: Hindsight.
Professor:  That's not going to help you on the upcoming test.
Student:  Yes, I see that now.


----------



## JonDouglas

FYI:  Humans are deuterostomes, meaning when they develop in the womb, the anus is the first to form.  This means at one point in their development, they are nothing more than an asshole.  Some never develop beyond this state.


----------



## Glowworm

Paddy says to Murphy:

Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?"

Murphy answers:

"You daft bugger. If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat!"


----------



## Glowworm

The Real Boss

When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be the Boss. The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be Boss. The Legs argued that since they took the Man wherever he wanted to go, they should be the Boss. 

The Stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be the boss. The Eyes said that without them, Man would be helpless, so they should be Boss. Then the Asshole applied for the Job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the Asshole got mad and closed up.

After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and were unable to see. They all finally conceded and made the Asshole Boss.

Moral of the story? You don't have to be a Brain to be Boss…just an Asshole.


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

*When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. *
*I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

*
*The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me 

The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. *
*I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf*


----------



## Glowworm

A man was out walking his dog when they came to a park banch with a sign that read "Wet paint" so the dog did.


----------



## Glowworm

A man was out walking when he saw a blind man with his guide dog. Suddenly the dog stopped, lifted iits leg and peed all over the blind man's trousers. The blind man put his hand in his pocket, took out a dog biscuit and gave it to the dog.

The man was amazed and walked over to the blind man. "You must really love your dog. He pees all over you and you give him a biscuit. That's true love."

The blind man replies "Love? I only gave him a biscuit so I know where his head is so I can kick him in the ass."


----------



## Glowworm

What do you call a woman with only one leg? 

Eileen


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## JonDouglas

With so many sporting events being cancelled, ABC is going to televise the World Origami Championship.
.
.
.
It's on Paperview.


----------



## JonDouglas

"I think the religious message of Easter has been lost to commercialism," said the Arch Bishop of Cadbury


----------



## MickaC




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Furryanimal

A man enters an elevator, and the operator asks him what floor he wants.​The man says "Eighteenth floor." After arriving, the doors open and the operator says "We are here, my son."
The man says "Thanks, but why did you call me your son?"
The operator replies "Because I have brought you up."


----------



## Mr. Ed




----------



## ohioboy

Tough girl: Go to Hell

Other girl: Been there, saw your daddy selling ice water.


----------



## Glowworm

A little boy was plaing in the closet in his parent's bedroom when he saw his father come into the bedroom with the next door neighbour's wife and indulge in some extra curricular activity. Later that day he told his mother what he'd seen.

When his father came home later that evening she screamed at him "I'm leaving you, you unfaithful swine." He asked her what she meant and she said "Go on Jimmy, tell your daddy what you saw."

Little Jimmy said "Well daddy I was in the closet when you came in with Mrs. Smith. You kissed and cuddled and then you both took your clothes off and got into bed and then you started doing what mommy did with the mailman last week."


----------



## ohioboy

Someone asked me if I talk to my wife during Sex. I said "Yea if I'm near a phone."


----------



## Glowworm

An elderly man presented his wife with a sable coat for her seventieth birthday. "Oh darling it's beautiful, but how on earth did you get the money to buy such an expensive gift?"

"Well my dear it's quite simple. Every time we had sex I put a dollar into a special bank account."

His wife replied. "Oh, if only I'd given you all my business!"


----------



## Glowworm

Someone asked me if I ever smoke during sex. I said "No but I do get hot and steamy."


----------



## ohioboy

Glowworm said:


> Someone asked me if I ever smoke during sex. I said "No but I do get hot and steamy."


I'll be right over!


----------



## Glowworm

ohioboy said:


> I'll be right over!


Sorry, those days are long gone


----------



## ohioboy

Glowworm said:


> Sorry, those days are long gone


Party pooper.


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Glowworm

I wheeled myself into the courtroom. My lawyer walked over to me and said "I don't really think there's any point in going on, you'll never win this case." I asked him why.

"Because you haven't got a leg to stand on!"


----------



## Glowworm

I asked for new prosthetic legs for Christmas because they're good stocking fillers


----------



## Glowworm

An amputee kept putting off telling his fiancée that he only had one leg. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage. 

"Honey, I have a confession to make." 

"What is it, dear?"

Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.

"Wow!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."


----------



## Glowworm

What's the worst present you can give someone who's colour blind?

A Rubik's cube


----------



## JonDouglas

A husband takes his wife to a dance.  There's a guy on the dance floor moonwalking, brake dancing, back flipping and spinning like a dervish.  

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy?  40 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

The husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating."


----------



## Pappy

Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair. 
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!" 
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."


----------



## RnR

*Why???*
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why did someone put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Why do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Why did we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why, when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why do some push the elevator button more than once to make it arrive faster?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !





If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?


----------



## RnR




----------



## ohioboy

Man in bar:
"Bartender, this man sitting next to me is playing with himself".

Bartender:
"Ah, don't pay any attention to him."

Man:
"I can't help it, he's using my hand"!


----------



## RB-TX

*Did you hear about the young newlywed couple who didn't know the difference between Vaseline and putty?

BIG Problem:*
V V V V V V V
*All their windows fell out.*


----------



## Furryanimal




----------



## OneEyedDiva




----------



## Patch

Farmers along Interstate 70, as it runs through Missouri, began to notice lots of dead crows on or close to the highway.  They called Missouri Department of Wildlife to investigate.  Officials arrived and agreed the number of dead crows was more than any could imagine.  However, they had no answer, other than the crows appeared to be roadkill.  The Department of Wildlife called in a ornithological behaviorist... i.e. bird psychologist... from the University in Rolla, Missouri.  Within a couple of hours, the gentleman had the answer.  He reported the solution to the Department of Wildlife, thus....

All the crows are being hit by trucks.  None are being hit by cars.  Crows are scavengers.  As the murder of crows ("murder" is the correct name for a flock of crows) ascend on a roadkill, one crow will be seen sitting on a nearby fencepost.  That lone crow is a sentry, supposed to warn the murder of approaching vehicles.  The problem is a crow cannot say "Truck!"  All a crow can scream is "Caw!  Caw!  Caw!"


----------



## OneEyedDiva

Lawd...sometimes I feel I need to learn how to do this.


----------



## OneEyedDiva




----------



## OneEyedDiva




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## MickaC

Watching 10" of snow melt that we got from Sunday to Wednesday.....This is middle of April, right.....in CANADA.


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

*A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his neck. 

“What happened?” “I was playing golf with my wife when she sliced her ball out of
 bounds and into a cow pasture. We went looking for it and, after a while I noticed 
one of the cows had something white near its tail. I walked over, lifted up its tail, 
and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt! 
And that’s when things went horribly wrong.” *
*“What happened?” asks the doctor. “I lifted its tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, honey! This looks like yours!'”*


----------



## Patch

Tagging @MarciKS since she may recognize some of the landmarks I reference.

South Central Kansas there is a traffic circle just north of the small town of Florence.  It's at the intersection of Highway 77 and 50.  Used to be a stop for Highway 77 and not 50.  Lots of fatal crashes.  Much better since the traffic circle was installed.

I was overseeing a project about 20 miles southwest of the intersection a few years ago.  Would pass through that area very early mornings, usually just as the sun was coming up.  Quite often would see a Marion County Deputy Sheriff sitting in the parking lot of a convenience store on the southwest corner of the intersection.

One morning, as I passed through the traffic circle, the deputy pulled in behind me.  He was riding right on my tail!  No red lights to pull me over.  Just following so close I could barely see is headlights in my rear view mirror.  All of a sudden a pheasant flew out of the road ditch.  The pheasant didn't get airborne quick enough and caught the front of my truck, right near the top of the grille.  The impact sent that poor rooster pheasant flying up over my windshield and cab of the truck.  WHAM!!!  The pheasant hit right in the center of the deputy's windshield!  It was light enough I could see the damaged windshield in my mirror.  

Red lights came on.  No one around, but the deputy even turned on his siren.  I hit my blinker and four-way flashers and pulled off on the shoulder.  Hadn't been speeding.  No idea why I was being stopped.  The deputy asked for my license and registration.  I immediately handed those to him and he returned to his patrol car.  As I sat there, I was remaining calm since I had done nothing wrong.  

The deputy walked back to my driver's window and handed me a traffic citation!!!  He muttered a terse "Good day!" and left.  I wondered what I had done wrong, with only the incident of the pheasant being any connection between the officer and me.  When I began reading the ticket, it was obvious the infraction for which I had been cited.   "Flipping a police officer the bird!"


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

* 
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.*
*
The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do-it-yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she 
‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel !*


----------



## Sassycakes

* A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.*
*Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 

"How will I know if they are pregnant?" 

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.  Both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, 

"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

James Bond... Bond, James Bond...is talking to Q one day.
Now pay attention, 007. Here is your new watch. Now with this watch you can see things that otherwise couldn't be seen.
Later that night James is on a date with a beautiful woman. He looks at his watch and says:  Oh, I see you aren't wearing any knickers.
She looks shocked and says: I most certainly AM wearing knickers!
James looks at his watch, puzzled. He smiles, adjusts it and says:  Must be an hour fast.


----------



## win231

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.   She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times.  So, I called my cousin and told her
to come and get the money.   A couple of hours later, I get a call from Jail.   It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.
My response: "So you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday."


----------



## win231

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.   The light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof; started blowing her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.   She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.  You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the _'Choose Life' _license plate holder, the_ 'What Would Jesus Do'_ bumper sticker, the _'Follow Me to Sunday School'_ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.   Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## ohioboy

What do you call a Cow masturbating?

 Beef strokinoff.


----------



## ohioboy

I applied for a job at the fish and tackle shop for the position of Senior baiter.
The man said that position was filled, but the job for Master baiter was still open.

So I took the job.


----------



## win231

A man bought a Ferrari and took it out on the interstate late that night for a test drive. To see what she could do, he decided to open her up. As the needle went past 100 mph, he suddenly saw flashing lights behind him. Thinking that a police car couldn’t keep up with a Ferrari, he rapidly sped up to 110, then 120 and finally to 130 with the flashing lights still behind him.
Finally, he came to his senses and pulled over.
After a minute or two a big grumpy police officer came up to the car and after taking his licence and registration, said “I’ve had a really tough shift and this is my last pull-over.  I don’t want any more paper work tonight, so if you can give me an excuse for your excessive speed that I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.”
The man said “Well, last week my wife ran off with a police officer, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
The cop replies,"Have a good day, sir, but slow down."


----------



## win231

A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
 "Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
 Housekeeper:  "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
 Wife:  "Who said you iron better than me?"
 Housekeeper:  "Your husband said so."
 Wife:  "Oh."
 Housekeeper:  "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
 Wife:  "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
 Housekeeper:  "Your husband did."
 Wife:  "Oh."
 Housekeeper:  "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
 Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
 Housekeeper:  "No. The gardener did."
 She got the raise.


----------



## win231

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband:   "My wife is missing.  She went shopping yesterday and has not come home."
Sergeant:   "What is her height?"
Husband:   "Gee, I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall."
Sergeant:   "Weight?"
Husband:    "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sergeant:    "Color of eyes?"
Husband:    "Never noticed."
Sergeant:    "Color of hair?"
Husband:   "Changes a couple times a year.  Maybe dark brown."
Sergeant:  "What was she wearing?"
Husband:   "Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly."
Sergeant:   "What kind of car did she leave in?"
Husband:   "She left in my truck."
Sergeant:   "What kind of truck was it?"
Husband:   "Brand new Ford F-150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Custom leather seats and Heavy Duty floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch.  DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets.  Custom alloy wheels and off-road Michelin tires. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door."
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant:   "Don't worry buddy.  We'll find your truck."


----------



## Pappy

And then there is this:
  The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.  After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry.  The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves.  The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures.  So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church.  Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning.  They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy!  They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church.  Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue.  They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.  They haven’t seen a squirrel since.


----------



## win231

A woman rubbed a lamp & a genie came out. “Do I get three wishes?” she asked.
“No,” says the genie. “I’m a one-wish genie. What’ll it be?”
The woman says: “See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace.”
The genie says: “They’ve been at war for years. I’m not _that_ good. Pick something else.”
The woman says: “Well, I’d like to find a good man. One who’s considerate, loves kids, helps with the housework & doesn’t watch sports all day.” “Okay,” the genie says with a sigh, “Let me see that map again.”


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink. 
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. 
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering. 
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.. 
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. 
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'Why aren't you eating? What is it you are waiting for?
She answered, 

'THE TEETH'.


----------



## Dana




----------



## Pappy

Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen? “There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred, and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please.“
They pay 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.”


----------



## Sassycakes

*Over the centuries mothers have given their children plenty of good advice;*
*here are some examples which Will and Guy find quite amusing.
 COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: I don't care what you've done 
Christopher.  You could have written.
 MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? 
 Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling? 
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card
 inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove 
GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. 
Do you know anything about this Goldie? 
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: But, Albert, 
it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair?  
Styling gel, mousse, something...? 
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb,
 Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: Humpty, If I've told you once, 
I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No*


----------



## ohioboy

Why does Euell Gibbons have purple underwear?

Because he has Grape Nuts!


----------



## OneEyedDiva




----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*Bob was walking down the street one day when He was accosted by a dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. After Bob pulled out his wallet and took out ten dollars, Bob asked,” If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”*
*
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” Bob asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man responded. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” Bob asked.

“Are you NUTS!” the homeless man replied. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” Bob said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was shocked by this, as he was not expecting it.

“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?” he asked.
*
*Bob replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing, and hunting.”*


----------



## Pappy

Hello Father...
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses. 

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them ......They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.' 
------------------------------ ------------------------------
A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me?
Ah, that's a sign of good taste!!


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

*Read This, It’s Funny!*
*Boy: Hell yeah!
Girl: Do you want to break up with Me?
Boy: No Way!
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Any Chance I can!
Girl: Will you cheat on me?
Boy: Not even a million years!
Girl: Will you protect me away from bad guys?
Boy: I will
Girl: Will you slap me?
Boy: Shut up! Are you crazy?!
Girl: Will you marry me?
Boy: Yeah!*
*READ IT BACKWARDS*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day:*
*Sid asks Al. “Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?”
Al replies. “I don’t know of any. Let’s ask our waiter if he knows.”
When the waiter arrives, Al asks. “Are there any Mexican Jews?”

The waiter says.
“I don’t know senior. I ask the cook.”
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says.
“No senior, cook say no Mexican Jews.”
Al isn’t satisfied and asks. “Are you absolutely sure?”
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with
“Gringos” replies. “I check again, senior!”

He goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says.
“I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

The waiter returns and says.
“Senior, the head cook Tomas say there is no Mexican Jews.”
“Are you certain?” Al asks again. “I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”
“SENIOR, I ask EVERYONE.” Replies the exasperated waiter.
“All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.”

*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. *
*The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found 
absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, 
and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your 
insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." *
*"I know," said the man, "but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*One night, a kid's grandparents were about to die. At night, the boy prayed "God please let my grandparents die in peace." The next day he found out his grandparents died with peace. The next day the boy wanted a bike, and his dad wouldn't buy it for him. So night time came around and he prayed "God, let my father die" and the father was at the door listening to the kid pray. the father went to work, came home, and said to his wife "honey, I've had the worst day ever". his wife replied You think your day was bad ! I've had the worst day ever? The mailman just dropped dead on our doorstep!*


----------



## Pappy

So stan retired from the coal mines after 35 yrs,,a few months pass there's a knock at the door,stans wife Joan answers the door theres 2 policemen standing there,come in said Joan what can I do for you ? We're here to speak with stan where is he,joan said hes right at the bottom of the garden pottering around in his shed,,why do you want to speak to stan asks Joan? The policemen said theres alot of items missing from the coal mines like brand new boxes of boots,donkey jackets,,helmets pickaxes etc,,joan said my stan is a honest man he wouldn't take stuff like that,,the policeman said ok we will walk down to the  garden shed then,oh no said joan dont walk,,go down on the conveyer belt..


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## Sassycakes

*One day a friend asked  Fred,*
*
“Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”   

Fred replied, 

“Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”   

His friend thinks for a moment and says, 

“I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”   

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, 

“Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”   

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, 

“Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”   
*
*T**he friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”  *
*
Fred replied, 
*
*“My father can't stand her.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink.*
* As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

she turned to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”
He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on Harleys.  My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy’s Harley, then as a little boy, I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley.  I’ve been riding a Harley ever since.  So yes, I guess I am a real biker.”*
*
She said, “I’m a lesbian.  I spend my whole day thinking about women.  As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women.”*

* Then she got up and left*
 *The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”
*
*Then he replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian! *


----------



## Sassycakes

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home...  And left it there all night. You gotta love Frank!


----------



## Sassycakes

*Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.   However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services.   He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.   “One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout.   “No, five pounds!” he’d say, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.   This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.    “One  and fifty pounds!”    He’d yell back, “no, five pounds!”    One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.   As the couple neared the hooker’s corner, Prince Charles realized she’d bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings.    As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.   Sure enough, there she stood.    He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.    Then, the hooker yelled; “See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A mother was cleaning her ten-year-old son's bedroom one day when she found an adult bondage magazine under his mattress. She was mortified. She put the dirty magazine back under the mattress, thinking that she would show her husband when he got home from work. A few hours later when he got home, she led him to their son's bedroom, pulled out the magazine, and showed it to him. He opened the magazine, slowly flicked through the pages - his eyes wide. He handed the magazine back to her without a word. So she asked him, "What the heck should we do?" The dad paused, cleared his throat, and said, "I'm no expert, but I don't think you should spank him!" ------------------------------ *


----------



## Sassycakes

*While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together... *
*
... I realized, after all this time, that I had never taken my son out for a drink.   

So off we went to our local bar, which was only two blocks from the house.   

I got him a Guinness.  

He didn’t like it, so I drank it.   

Then I got him a Killian’s.  

He didn’t like that either, so I drank it.   
*
*Losing hope, I ordered him a Harp Lager.  

Nope, he didn’t like that either.  *
*
I drank it.   

I thought maybe he’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s.  

Nope, no cigar!   

In desperation, I had him try that 25-year-old Glenfiddich -- The bar’s finest scotch.   

He wouldn’t even smell it.  

What could I do but drink it?  

By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink,...


*
*I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Keesha

THIS one was taken off the net


----------



## Sassycakes

**
*
The Blonde Save The Day?


It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars, 
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?”

Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”

Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?

Is it:
A – Robin
B – Sparrow
C – Cuckoo
D – Thrush

Remember Barbara – its worth $1 million dollars.”

“I think I know who it… I’m not 100%… no, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.”

Regis: “Yes. Who, Barbara, do you want to phone?”

Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”

(ringing)

Maggie (a blonde): “Hello…”

Regis: “Hello Maggie, it's Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to get to a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and only 1 correct answer. You have 30 seconds to reply — fire away Barbara.”

Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build its own nest?
Is it:
A- Robin
B- Sparrow
C- Cuckoo
D- Thrush

Maggie: “Oh gees, Barbara that’s simple…It’s a cuckoo.”

Barbara: “You think?”

Maggie: “I’m sure.”

Barbara: “Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)

Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”

Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with c-cuckoo”

Regis: “Is that your final answer?”

Barbara: “It is.”

Regis: “Are you confident?”

Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”

Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said c-cuckoo…you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara!”

That night Barbara called round to Maggie and brought her down to a local bar for a celebratory drink and, as they were sipping their champagne, Barbara turned to Maggie and asked: “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?”
*
*Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock!”*


----------



## OneEyedDiva




----------



## OneEyedDiva

And right after the last election:  

@Pecos


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Chris21E




----------



## Pappy

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."


----------



## OneEyedDiva




----------



## Sassycakes

D*uring the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.*
*
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows." 

"When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' 
and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. 

On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, 
the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says,... 

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, 
serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God 
your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom swallows hard, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes." 

He then leans toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal?!"

The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers, 
*
*The bride made me a better offer she gave me $300.00 dollars.*


----------



## Pappy

Groan......
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner? " "Absolutely," the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning. " The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00. "


----------



## OneEyedDiva

I was nearly in tears as I read this. The person who posted it on Facebook captioned it *"The lady sure can't spell but she can cook her a*s off." 
*


----------



## Pappy

One sunshiny day Mrs Snake was going to clean out her pit. All the little snakes were hissing around in the pit. She said go outside and hiss so I can clean. They hiss around a while and come back saying Mama we need to come in the pit and hiss. She said I’ve about got this pit all cleaned up. Go over to Mrs Potts pit and hiss. They go over and say Mrs Potts can we come in your pit and hiss. She said no I’ve been cleaning my pit all day. Go home and hiss in your own pit. They went home and said Mama , Mrs Potts said we can’t hiss in her pit. Mrs  Snake said Well the very idea. I can remember when the Potts didn’t have a pit to hiss in.


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Chris P Bacon

A  gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the  bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make  the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give  it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill.  Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe  that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually  had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So,  in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to  make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he  stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and  see if the gorilla notices anything."

So  he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The  gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini.  After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."


----------



## Sassycakes

*When Forrest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.   
*
*St. Peter said, “Welcome, Forrest. We’ve heard a lot about you.”   

He continued, “Unfortunately, it’s getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.”   

“Okay,” said Forrest. “I hope it’s not too hard. I’ve already been through a test. My momma used to say, ‘Life is like a final exam. It’s hard.'”   

“Yes, Forrest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are.”    

Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?” 

How many seconds are in a year? 

What is God’s first name?   

“Well, sir,” said Forrest, “The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Today and Tomorrow.”   

St. Peter looked surprised and said, “Well, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.”   

“The next question,” said Forrest, “How many seconds are in a year? Twelve.”   

“Twelve?” said St. Peter, surprised and confused.   

“Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...”   

St. Peter interrupted him. “I see what you mean. I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.”   

“And the last question,” said Forrest, “What is God’s first name? It’s Andy.”   

“Andy?” said St. Peter, in shock. “How did you come up with ‘Andy’?”   

“I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.”   

Forrest broke into song,.. 

“Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”   

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said,... 
*
*“Run, Forrest, Run!”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line…‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'” The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line, over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress”. The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter… and the director was steaming! “You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!” The actor, quite bewildered, asked, “What happened, did I forget my line?” he asked. “No!” the director screamed….“You forgot the rose!”*


----------



## Furryanimal

If i’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… guardian of the galaxy?


----------



## win231

A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf. They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up so they complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.
The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them.”
The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”


----------



## RnR




----------



## Chris P Bacon

Went for a walk with my new girlfriendand we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"

I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.

She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19."

Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.

She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*Competition at the retirement home*
*An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.

Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.

One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.

"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's." "What are you doing there?"

"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."
*
*"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"*




*"Parkinson's."*


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## RadishRose

Doctor says to his patient: “Your liver results are back. And frankly,    they’re very surprising considering that I only allowed you one glass of wine per week.”
-
The patient shrugs: “Do you really think you are the only doctor I am going to?”


----------



## Sassycakes

*On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.*
*One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”
The man said, “Beat it, kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been telling me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done….”
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

*



























​


----------



## Sassycakes

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink.
 As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”
He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on Harleys.  
My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my dad’s Harley, 
then as a little boy, I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley.  
I’ve been riding a Harley ever since.  So yes, I guess I am a real biker.”

 She said, “I’m a lesbian.  I spend my whole day thinking about women.  
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, 
watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women.”

 Then she got up and left.

 The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next 
to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”



He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.


----------



## Sassycakes

A man walks into a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman,

“If I can show you something you have never seen before, will you give me a free drink?”   

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time, says, “Sure, impress me and I’ll give you a free tab for the night!”   

So the man puts down the box and opens it. He then pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar, and then a little man as well.   

The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing!   

The barman was blown away by this and tells the man he can drink all night for free as agreed. 

The barman then asks, “Where did you find the little man?”   

“Well,” says the man, “I found this magic lamp.”   

The man digs into the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp. 

“I rubbed it and a genie appeared. The genie granted me one wish, and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness.”   

“Wow,” says the barman.   

The man then says, “As you gave me free drinks, I’m going to let you have the lamp. Be careful what you wish for though.”   

So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish.   

Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere! 

The ducks are making one heck of a raucous, crapping all over the customers and bar.  

The barman shouts at the man saying, “I wished for a million bucks! Not a million ducks!”   

To this the man replies,... 

“And you think that I wished for a 12-inch Pianist?!”


----------



## Sassycakes

A middle-aged man decided that it was time to change his lifestyle, so he moved into a nudist colony, but he decided not to tell his family where he had gone as he knew that they wouldn’t understand, especially his elderly grandmother who was really old fashioned and prudish.
However, not long after he joined the nudist colony, he received a letter from his grandmother, asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
The man was far too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, so he cut a photograph of himself in half, but accidentally sent her the bottom half of the picture by mistake.
He was really worried when he realized that he had sent the wrong half, but then he remembered how bad his grandmother’s eyesight was and hoped she wouldn’t notice what he had sent.
A few weeks later, he received another letter from his grandmother.
The letter said, “Thank you for the picture. You should change your hairstyle though, it makes your nose look too short”.


----------



## Sassycakes

*A mother was driving home from the shops when she decided *
*to stop by at her son and daughter-in-law’s house.
She knocked on the door, there was no answer. 
She tried the door, which was unlocked, so she decided to walk in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law, lying on the couch, 
totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of scented candles 
filled the room.
“What on earth are you doing?” she asked her daughter-in-law.
“I’m waiting for Robbie to come home from work”, the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you are lying there naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress”, her daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“Robbie loves me to wear this dress”, she explained. “Every time he sees me like this, he instantly becomes aroused and ravages me for hours”.
The mother-in-law blushed and left.
She had obviously been doing some thinking on the drive home, because when she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home from work.
He walked in and did a double-take, seeing her lying there so provocatively.
“What on earth are you doing Hilda?” he asked.
“This is my love dress”, she whispered sensually.*
*“Your love dress needs ironing”, her husband said. “What’s for dinner?*”


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. *
*
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman 

boarding the plane. 

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. 

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. 

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, 
“Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled, and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs 
of America Convention in Boston.”

He swallowed hard. 

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, 
and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal 
experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.” 

“Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best.” 

“I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. 
I don’t even know your name.”
*
*“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Karen.
 Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this, or they would have to get another organist.
Then one of the ladies approached Karen very discreetly about the problem and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
But she warned Karen not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn’t be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the priest climbed into the pulpit and said,


“Dew to thircumstanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haf a thermon tewday.


----------



## Sassycakes

*Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the 
When he bent down under the table to pick them up, 
he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, 
hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. 
Bob’s wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. 
She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.’
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral **costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.*
*Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons 
and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m. 
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 – they went to the 
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife:
‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’
With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you $500?’
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes, in fact, he did give me $500.’
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 
‘He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.*
*He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.*’


----------



## Sassycakes

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
 The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’  Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.  She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?’


The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

 So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

 After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

 ‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’
‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”
“Now, how about that drink?’


----------



## Chris P Bacon

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.

Next it was Dave's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"


----------



## Chris P Bacon

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN recently. 

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" 

The survey was a huge failure. 

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. 

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. 

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. 

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. 

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. 

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. 

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


----------



## JonDouglas

Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says, "I gotta admit I'm scared out here in the woods!"
The other replies, "You think you're scared; I gotta walk back alone"!!!


----------



## Sassycakes

*A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “What is the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would 
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister 
if she would sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with  Leonardo DiCaprio for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!”
The boy pondered for a while, then went back to his dad who asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?”
The boy replied, “No sir,” and tells his father the replies he’d been given.*
*The father replied, "Well, son, surely it’s obvious: Potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two Sluts.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.   *
*
“May I help you?” she asked.   

“I want to see Penny,” the man replied.   

“Sir, Penny is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?,” said the madam.   

“No. I must see Penny,” was the man’s reply.   

Just then, Penny appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.   

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Penny, and they went upstairs.   

After an hour, the man calmly left.   

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Penny.   

Penny explained that no-one had ever come back two nights in a row – too expensive – and there were no discounts.  

The price was still $1,000.   

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Penny and they went upstairs.   

After an hour, he left.   

The following night the man was there again.   

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Penny and they went upstairs.   

After their romp, Penny questioned the man. 

“No-one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.   

The man replied, “South Carolina.”   

“Really?” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”   

“I know,” the man said. 

“Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney.” 

“She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”   

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 

1. Death 

2. Taxes 
*
*3. Being screwed by a lawyer*


----------



## Furryanimal

Couple go into expensive restaurant. 

Maitre De "we are extremely busy, can you wait for half an hour?"

Couple "that's ok"

Maitre De " Thanks, these are the plates for table two and four."


----------



## horseless carriage

Furryanimal said:


> Couple go into expensive restaurant.
> 
> Maitre De "we are extremely busy, can you wait for half an hour?"
> 
> Couple "that's ok"
> 
> Maitre De " Thanks, these are the plates for table two and four."


And talking of ambiguity:


----------



## Sassycakes

*A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused, and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card unopened and laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red “A” under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. “Was it the nuns that did it?”, the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, “No.” “Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?” Again the boy shook his head and said, “No.” “The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?” “Nope,” said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy, they nailed to the ‘plus sign,’ I just knew they meant business.
*


----------



## Lewkat




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## Sassycakes

A woman is in hospital having an operation when she has a vision of God. 

She asks God how long she has left to live, and God tells her she has 30 years left.

Upon waking from surgery, the woman considers the next 30 years and decides to make some changes. 

So she books herself a tummy tuck, facelift, liposuction, fillers. 

You name it, she had it done.

After being released from the hospital, and feeling glamorous, the woman struts across the road, and is hit by a car, and dies.

In front of God, she asks him why he told her she had 30 years left to live when that was clearly not true.

God shrugs his shoulders and says, 

"Well, I didn’t recognize you."


----------



## Sassycakes

* Although they had been in remarkably good health, an 85 year old couple died in a car crash.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion complete with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, and Jacuzzi.
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “You’re in Heaven.”
Next, they went out back to survey the golf course behind the home.
They could go golfing every day and every week the course would magically change to a new one so they’d never get bored.
The old man asked, “How much is the greens fee?”
Peter replied, “This is heaven. You play for free.”
Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet?” Peter replied with some exasperation. “This is heaven. It is free!”
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol dishes?” the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, “That’s the best part! You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.
It’s OK. This is Heaven.”
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, threw down his hat, and stomped on it while shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down and asked him what was wrong.
The old man glared at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

*


----------



## win231

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, who is deaf, has cheated him out of $5,000,000.00.  When the Godfather confronts Guido about the missing $5 million, he brings his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, _"Ask him where the money is."_

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, _“Where's the money?”_

Guido signs back, _"I don't know what you're talking about."_

The lawyer tells the Godfather, _"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."_

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, _"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"_

The lawyer signs to Guido, _“He'll kill you if you don't tell him.”_

Guido is scared and signs back, _"OK. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."_

The Godfather asks the lawyer, _"What did he say?"_

The lawyer replies,_ "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."_


----------



## win231

There was a knock on my door this past Sunday morning.
I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the hell out of me, I've never gotten this far before."


----------



## win231

A man asked his wife to pack for him for a weekend fishing trip. She gladly obliged with clothes, toiletries, all the fishing gear he asked for - rods, reels, tackle box. At the last moment, he said, "Please pack my new silk pajamas, would you?"

This made her somewhat suspicious but she did as he asked.

When he returned, looking very refreshed, she asked if he caught a lot of fish.

"Oh, yes," he said. "Three walleyes, four or five bass, it was great......but, you know.....you forgot to pack my new silk pajamas."

"No I didn't," she said. "They're in your tackle box."


----------



## win231

A guy walks into a pharmacy & asks the clerk, "Do you have ******?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Does it work?" asks the guy.
"Yes," he answered.
"Can I get it over the counter?" he asks.
"Well, maybe.....if you take two."


----------



## MickaC




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued: "Have you any grounds?" Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" It's made of concrete. "I don' think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" No, we have a carport, and not need one. "I mean what are your relations like?" All my relations still in Poland . " Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. "Does your wife beat you up?" No, I'm always up before her each morning. "Is your wife a nagger?" No, she white. "Why do you want this divorce?" She going to kill me. "What makes you think that?" I got proof. "What kind of proof?" She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: POLISH REMOVER*


----------



## Sassycakes

* Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.*
*The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."

The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."

The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."
The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"*
*He proudly replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."*


----------



## OneEyedDiva

*Demon Tomato.*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Chris P Bacon

Two elderly ladies meet at the drug store after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Harold died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a potato for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of baked beans instead."


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Chris P Bacon

It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore...​





*I just bought a TV & it said "Built in Antenna". I don't even know where that is.*


----------



## jet

My friend who has a bit of a stutter was telling us about his Nanna...

By the end of it we were all singing 'Hey Jude!'


----------



## Sassycakes

*After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization”, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.*
*
Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise, I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go.

If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the exam.”
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, 
and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers:

* * * * *

“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 25-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
*
*The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have is neither legal nor logical.”*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,*​
*“I want to open a freakin’ checking account.”
To which the lady replied,
“I beg your pardon, what did you say?”
“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin’ checking account right now.”
“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked,
“What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man says,
“I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see sir,” the manager said,
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”*


----------



## Pappy

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals", he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot Bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice from heaven asked,  "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well", said the Voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Liberty




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## Liberty




----------



## Liberty




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## Pappy

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.



A Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Beretta Pistol:
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with

a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must

have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber

pistol with me, I would not be here today!



Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus


----------



## Liberty

Pappy said:


> Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.
> 
> 
> 
> A Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Beretta Pistol:
> This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with
> 
> a small pistol against a fierce predator.
> What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
> 
> Here's her story in her own words:
> "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must
> 
> have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber
> 
> pistol with me, I would not be here today!
> 
> 
> 
> Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus


Pappy...reminds me of the Texas divorcee discussing her situation...she says "well I keep missing my ex-husband but my aim sure is getting better."


----------



## Sassycakes

*
A dying man lie in bed with his wife beside him*​*As he lay, he turned and looked to his wife and said "My dear wife, I must make a confession"

"There is no need." She said

"No" the man replied. "I must tell you before I die."

"If you must." She said.

"I slept with not only you but your mother, your best friend, her best friend, our daughter, and many other women." He told her.

His wife, not angered by this, turned to him and said.

"I know. Now just rest and let the poison do its work."*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

* The Prescription
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, 
looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, 
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." 
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. 
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. 
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had  a prescription"*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Paco Dennis

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH ****ING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”


----------



## Liberty




----------



## Liberty




----------



## Liberty




----------



## Liberty




----------



## Liberty




----------



## Liberty




----------



## Sassycakes

*A married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.*
*"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.
"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."
"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!" 
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.*
*His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

* Fred had not been feeling well so he went to see his doctor.*
*The doctor did some tests and walked back into the room.*
*"Fred, I have some bad news for you, and I really don't know how to tell you. I've rerun all the tests and double checked the results. You are going to die of cancer. There is no cure for what you have. You have about 6 to 8 weeks to live."
"Well Doc, I am glad you told me straight out though. Now I can get all my personal affairs in order."
The doctor felt badly about Fred and the next day was at the gym when he heard two guys talking. "Did you hear about Fred?" "Yeah, I heard that he is dying of AIDS!"
This really upset the doctor and he rushed over to a telephone to call Fred.
"Hello Fred? Did you understand what I told you yesterday?"
"Of course Doc. I am dying of cancer and have 6 to 8 weeks to live."
"But I just heard two of your friends say you were dying of AIDS."*
*"Yeah Doc, I know. You see, after I am gone, I don't want anyone screwing my wife!"*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

Grandma writes:
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love ya all,
Grandma


----------



## JonDouglas

A police motorcycle rider stops a driver for shooting through a red light. 

The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the policeman, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! 

So the policeman calmly tells him of the red light infringement. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, ****** orientation, etc., 

in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence lawyer asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" 

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir." 

"Aggressive and hostile?" 

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.


----------



## MickaC




----------



## JustBonee

Not  a joke really ,  but  something   funny that happened to me this morning ...   

I heard a song on the radio,  and took my iPhone over  and put voice recognition ON. ... got the song title and put my phone down.
Later,  after taking a shower,  came back out to the living room and picked up my phone.

The Voice Recognition was still on..  I got this message:

*"I heard something that sounded like a dog"   .....       *  .... it  must have picked up Lil'Bear yawning after his nap.


----------



## MickaC

View attachment 175231


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. "I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, nonsmoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner,  24 years old, in great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smonker,   and a steak lover. It's $500,000." "Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!" "Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."


----------



## Sassycakes

*"Boy, I'm scared,"  John said to one of his friends.*

*"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."

"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."*

*"Easy for you to say."

"You like her that much?" the friend asks.*
*
"It's not that," declared John.
.
.
.
.
*
*"He didn't sign his name!*


----------



## Sassycakes

*NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.*
*The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. 
'A million dollars,' he answered, 'because I want to donate it to M.I.T.'

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. 
'I want to give a million to my family,' he explained, 'and leave the other million for the advancement of medical 

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, 'Three million dollars.'

'Why so much more than the others?' asked the interviewer.
*
*The lawyer replied, 'If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars.'*


----------



## RB-TX

Sassycakes said:


> *NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.*
> *The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
> 'A million dollars,' he answered, 'because I want to donate it to M.I.T.'
> 
> The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million.
> 'I want to give a million to my family,' he explained, 'and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
> 
> The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, 'Three million dollars.'
> 
> 'Why so much more than the others?' asked the interviewer.*
> 
> *The lawyer replied, 'If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars.'*


Scene:  Cop standing beside a car, writing a speeding ticket to the lady driver.

Lady:  But officer, I thought police didn't give tickets to attractive females.

Officer: We don't.  Sign here please,


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## MickaC




----------



## OneEyedDiva

I can't remember if got these from this forum or if they're posted here already...if so forgive me.
*Some new puns to make you smile:*
Venison for dinner again?  Oh, deer!
How does Moses make tea?  Hebrews it.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a typo.

I changed my I-pod's name to Titanic; it's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went; then it dawned on me.
The girl said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns; it was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A Thesaurus.
I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery, because I kneaded the dough.
Velcro.......what a rip-off!
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.


----------



## OneEyedDiva




----------



## Sassycakes

*A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, "What are you staring at?"*
*"A spider," he replies.
"I don't see anything," she says.
"Oh, it must have fallen on your head," he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming...*
*The man says, "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"And that my friends is how the fight started.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."*
*Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"*

*Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."*


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Pappy

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;

“ You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side

You know what?”

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

”I think you’re bad luck.”


----------



## Pappy

Peter Marshall: True or false...there are more psychiatrists in Beverly Hills than plumbers.
Paul Lynde: When my toilet's backed up, I don't care who fixes it

Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body—what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor calls it 'the Big One.' What is it?
Paul Lynde: They both look the same to me

Peter Marshall: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a Geisha House, now how did he spent his time in the Geisha House?
Paul Lynde: Negotiating for peace.

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity!

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo.

Peter Marshall: Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
Paul Lynde: Loneliness.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Paul Lynde: I don’t have a third choice…?

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: Oh, Paul, what would we ever do without you?
Paul Lynde: Replace me with Charles Nelson Reilly.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. 

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. 

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri." 

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."


----------



## Pappy

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000. 
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. 
The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em', which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's penis and began to work back. 'Dear Lord,' The medical officer suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your balls?' 
The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'Afghanistan.'


----------



## Pappy

This was surreal.... Today I was travelling on Mill St on my way home behind an ambulance. Oddly I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened it, there was a human toe packed a bag on ice. Crap, that's a serious mistake I thought, so I called the Hospital and they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?

The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck."

Please don’t Ban me, I don’t get out much!


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy

Don’t know if this is true … but definitely made me laugh 
Sex __ The hard way!

Women's Anger can change the history of Mankind.

US Astronaut Neil Armstrong was the 1st man to walk on the Moon, on 20th July, 1969, 52 years ago.

As Commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, when Neil Armstrong set foot on the Moon, his 1st words were:

"One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind!"

That was televised all over the world, and millions heard it.

But just as he re-entered the Lunar Lander, he made the enigmatic remark:

"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky!" 

Many people at NASA wondered who that casual remark was directed at.

Upon checking, it was found that there was no Mr Gorsky in either the Soviet or the US Space Programs.

Over the years, Neil Armstrong was repeatedly asked the background to that remark about Mr Gorsky.

In response, Armstrong only smiled but never gave any explanation.

Finally, on July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, a reporter once again asked Neil Armstrong, the 26-year-old question, about Mr Gorsky.

By this time, Mr. Gorsky had passed away, so Neil Armstrong felt able to answer the question.

In 1938, when Neil Armstrong, as a kid in a small mid-western town, was playing Baseball with a friend in his parents' backyard, they hit the Ball into their neighbours' backyard, below their bedroom window.

Neil Armstrong went to fetch the ball & heard the neighbour's wife Mrs. Gorsky, yelling at Mr Gorsky:

"Sex! You Want Sex?!?
You'll get Sex when the kid next door walks on the Moon!!!"

Neil Armstrong's family have subsequently verified this story as truth.

Women!!!  In their anger, can change the history of mankind.


----------



## Sassycakes

HEAVEN AND HELL
HEAVEN IS
The police are British
The chefs Italian
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss

HELL is where:  
The police are German
The chefs are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
and it's all organized by the Italians!!


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy




----------



## RB-TX

Sassycakes said:


> HEAVEN AND HELL
> HEAVEN IS
> The police are British
> The chefs Italian
> The mechanics are German
> The lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss
> 
> HELL is where:
> The police are German
> The chefs are British
> The mechanics are French
> The lovers are Swiss
> and it's all organized by the Italians!!



********************


A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.



> Over      a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall,      along with the Temple of Apollo.”
> 
> 
> 
> “Well,      it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter      Solstices.”
> 
> 
> 
> “But      it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
> 
> 
> 
> “Granted,      but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”
> 
> 
> 
> Knowing      that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out      with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who      invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”
> 
> 
> 
> “True      enough, but it was the Irish who got women      involved."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


----------



## Sassycakes

*A senior couple goes to the doctor. The doctor first visits the husband:*
*- Everything seems to be fine. Are you having problems?
- Well, nothing special but when I make love with my wife, the first time, there are no problems at all. But, the second time I feel very sweaty and this annoys me.
After having visited the wife, the doctor asks her a question:
- To me, everything is ok but your husband says when you are having sex, that the first time there are no problems while the second time he gets very sweaty. Do you know the reason for that?*

*- Sure, doctor. The first time is in January. The second is in August.*


----------



## Pappy

The devil is in the details….

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”


----------



## MarkinPhx

The cast of ‘Friends’ got stuck at sea in a boat. Luckily they were safe.
Because: Lisa Kudrow


----------



## Sassycakes

*                    Divorce Proceedings*
* A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. 
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you 
to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," 
the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," 
he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the *
*apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A husband and wife are in bed watching  "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire". *
*The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." > Her husband asks, 
"Is that your final answer?" > She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend."*
*And that is how the fight started*!


----------



## Sassycakes

*The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children. *
*"You all have obsessions," he told them. To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating.
 Why you've even named your daughter Candy." The second, he said, was obsessed with money.
 "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother *
*arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."*


----------



## JonDouglas

Sometimes when you cry, nobody sees your tears.

Sometimes when you're hurting, nobody sees your pain.

Sometimes when you're sad, nobody sees your sorrow.

BUT FART JUST ONE TIME . . . . . .


----------



## Sassycakes

*A woman comes home and tells her husband,*
*
“Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”

“No more headaches?”

the husband asks, “What happened?”

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,…

“I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.

It Worked! The headaches are all gone.”

The husband replies,

“Well, that is wonderful.”

His wife then says,

“You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don’t you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”

The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment,

The husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says,

“Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He goes into The Bathroom and comes back.

A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”

The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.”

He goes back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,

“Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

With That, He goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him, and there, in the Bathroom,

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“She’s not my Wife.

She’s Not my wife.

She’s not my wife…”

* * * * *
*
*His funeral services will be held on Friday.*


----------



## Pappy

Jack fears his wife of 52 years, Irene, isn’t hearing as well as she used to, but is not sure how to raise it, given her sensitivity over getting older.  The family doctor gives him the best way to at least confirm she is going deaf.  “Stand about 10 metres away, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to eight metres, six metres, and so on until you get a response.”  That evening, Irene is in the kitchen cooking dinner, so Jack positions himself by the TV and in a normal tone asks, “What’s for dinner, darling?”  No response.  So he moves to the dining room table: “Irene, what’s for dinner?”  Nothing.  So, he comes right to the kitchen door, and says conversationally, “Darling, what’s for dinner?”  Still nothing.  Saddened but determined, he moves right up behind her.  “Irene, what’s for dinner?”  “For God’s sake, Jack, for the FOURTH time, CHICKEN!”


----------



## MickaC




----------



## OscarW

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines' brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"


----------



## Sassycakes

*After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. “Father’s date of birth?” she asked. When I told her, she said, “Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son’s birth?”

“No, I hadn’t thought about it,” I responded, “but now that you mention it, I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date.”


*
*After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, “Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, **they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. *
*"They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose, and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "The Plane doesn't leave until tomorrow afternoon."*


----------



## Sassycakes

* Two friends, both married, decide to have fun on a Saturday night. They go to a night bar to find a prostitute. After having negotiated the price and split the check, the first one goes into the*
*room with the woman. Once he is out, the friend asks him: - Tell me, how it was?
- Not bad but my wife is better.
Ten minutes after, the second man leaves the room and the friend asks him:
- So...?*
*- You were right. Your wife is better.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*An elderly priest talks to his assistant:*
*- Mark, do you know that yesterday somebody stole my bike? I don't know what to do about it.
- Father, I would suggest that you do this: during Sunday Mass you speak of the Ten Commandments, and when you arrive at that "do not steal", raise your voice strongly. I will watch people and the one who gets the most upset is probably the man who stole The bike.
So Sunday came and the priest went over the ten commandments, but when he got to the one that forbids stealing he didn't raise his voice, as Mark expected. After mass, the assistant approaches the priest and asks him:
- But father, why, while you were saying not to steal, did you not shout, how did we agree?*
*- You know Mark, there was no need. When I got to the one "do not commit adultery", I remembered where I left my bicycle.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*The whole hospital was amusingly surprised when a 70-year-old man became the father of a kid, with a 20-year-old girl.*
*The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow, saying: "This is amazing. How did you do it at your age?"
The 70-year-old answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The next year, the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said: "You're amazing. How do you do it?" He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."
Again, the third consecutive year, his wife gave birth to another kid.
The nurse then said: "Well, well, well!!! You certainly are quite a man!"
Now, the old man said, "You've got to keep that old motor running"*
*The nurse said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."  *


----------



## Sassycakes

*Lincoln, a young man, wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Lucy something nice for their fifth wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone and he explains all the features on the phone.
The next day, Lucy goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's Lincoln: "Hi honey", he says "how do you like your new phone?"
And she replies: "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though".
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?" asked Lucy.  *


----------



## Pappy

A CEO texts his wife:
First text: Honey, my Secretary and I are on our way to Aruba. I am leaving you.
Second text:  I’m gonna talk to our accountant and our lawyer, I’m taking the house and Porche.
Third text: I cheated on you with your roomate in college. She was much better in bed than you.
Fourth text: OMG plane having engine trouble, may have to bail out
Wife texts back:
First text: Honey, the accountant and I are already on our way to Hawaii. 
Second text: Honey, he has two brothers, one is your plane’s mechanic and the other repairs your plane’s  parachutes
Third text: Happy landings lovebirds!


----------



## Sassycakes

I was at the checkout of a local Wally World.
The cashier rang up $46.64 charges.
I gave her a fifty dollar bill.  She gave me back $46.64.
I gave the money back to her and told her that she
had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated
and knew what she was doing, and she returned the money,
again.  I gave her the money back -- same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.
~They Walk Among Us!
I walked into a Starbacks with a
buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.
I handed it to the girl and she looked over at
a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'
"They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said,
"so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free lattes, and I walked out the door.
~They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends,
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"
~They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate
agent which direction was north; because, he explained,
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East,
and has for sometime; she shook her head and said,
"Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."
~They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked
what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open
24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
~They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
~They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed
that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought two cases.
The cashier multiplied two times 10%
and gave us a 20% discount.
~They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
so I went to the lost luggage office and
told the woman, there, that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry, because,
she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.
"Now, she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the
airport, 3rd in line to land."
~They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza place, I observed
a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him
if he would like it cut into four pieces or six.
He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into four pieces . . .
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces."
Yep . . .
~They Walk Among Us!
Bless their hearts! ..............













​



oops


----------



## Chris P Bacon

What do you call facts that aren't true?

Think about it ....

A little more, maybe ...

Give up?

Lies! Lies are facts presented as true whn in fact they are not true at all.


Sassycakes said:


> I was at the checkout of a local Wally World.
> The cashier rang up $46.64 charges.
> I gave her a fifty dollar bill.  She gave me back $46.64.
> I gave the money back to her and told her that she
> had made a mistake in MY favor.
> She became indignant and informed me she was educated
> and knew what she was doing, and she returned the money,
> again.  I gave her the money back -- same scenario!
> I departed the store with the $46.64.
> ~They Walk Among Us!
> I walked into a Starbacks with a
> buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.
> I handed it to the girl and she looked over at
> a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'
> "They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said,
> "so I guess they're both free."
> She handed me my free lattes, and I walked out the door.
> ~They Walk Among Us!
> One day I was walking down the beach with some friends,
> when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
> Someone looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"
> ~They Walk Among Us!
> While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate
> agent which direction was north; because, he explained,
> he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
> She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
> When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East,
> and has for sometime; she shook her head and said,
> "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."
> ~They Walk Among Us!!
> I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
> One day I got a call from an individual who asked
> what hours the call center was open.
> I told him, "The number you dialed is open
> 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
> He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
> Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
> ~They Walk Among Us!
> My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
> designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
> She keeps it in the trunk.
> ~They Walk Among Us!
> My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed
> that the cases were discounted 10%.
> Since it was a big party, we bought two cases.
> The cashier multiplied two times 10%
> and gave us a 20% discount.
> ~They Walk Among Us!
> I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
> so I went to the lost luggage office and
> told the woman, there, that my bags never showed up.
> She smiled and told me not to worry, because,
> she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.
> "Now, she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
> So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the
> airport, 3rd in line to land."
> ~They Walk Among Us!
> While working at a pizza place, I observed
> a man ordering a small pizza to go.
> He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him
> if he would like it cut into four pieces or six.
> He thought about it for some time before responding.
> "Just cut it into four pieces . . .
> I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces."
> Yep . . .
> ~They Walk Among Us!
> Bless their hearts! ..............
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ​
> 
> 
> 
> oops


I wish there were a vaccine for stupidity and obstinacy. Maybe in time but sadly now would seem to be the best time! But yes, bless their misinformed and stubborn little hearts!


----------



## Sassycakes

*A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird but there are no laws preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing. The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway? So he tells his clerk, “If that guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.” Sure enough, the next day the same man is back. He buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. “Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies, “Your house.” *


----------



## Pappy

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all,wow that's awesome said Tom, but whats the bad news , 
you're pitching on Tuesday."


----------



## Sassycakes

*Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.’After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 – they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife:‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.’Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you $500?’Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes, in fact, he did give me $500.’Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, ‘He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back*


----------



## Sassycakes

* A middle-aged man decided that it was time to change his lifestyle, so he moved into a nudist colony, but he decided not to tell his family where he had gone as he knew that they wouldn’t understand, especially his elderly grandmother who was really old fashioned and prudish. However, not long after he joined the nudist colony, he received a letter from his grandmother, asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. The man was far too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, so he cut a photograph of himself in half, but accidentally sent her the bottom half of the picture by mistake. He was really worried when he realized that he had sent the wrong half, but then he remembered how bad his grandmother’s eyesight was and hoped she wouldn’t notice what he had sent. A few weeks later, he received another letter from his grandmother. The letter said, “Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style though, it makes your nose look too short”. *


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Oldguy




----------



## horseless carriage

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.
An indignant fellow came up and said,
"Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."
She replied, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old... this hat is brand new."


----------



## Sassycakes

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend. “My goodness, Mary!” he says. “How have you been?” “Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband Robert and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.” “I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.” Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways. Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Mary’s husband, Robert. “I’m so glad I found you!” he exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for Mary, years ago? Well, Mary and I now have two sets of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found out she’s pregnant with quadruplets!” Robert then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome. “Oh my, Robert!” says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thankyou gift.” “Oh no, it’s not a thank you,” says Robert,… “It’s so you can blow out that damn candle.”


----------



## Sassycakes

*There were two Catholic Boys, Timothy Murphy, and Antonio Secola, 
whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year 
Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world; but, it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, 
Archbishop and finally Cardinal was meteoric, to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die, and the College of 
Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white* s*moke rose from the chimney, and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, 
Catholic, Protestant, and secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated, 
because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the* *bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, 
"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. 
"Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." 
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor,and respect each  other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know how to screw, mother,*
*" the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna."*


----------



## horseless carriage

Sassycakes, that has to be the most contrived joke ever. Still funny though. (Pope Secola)

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"


----------



## Pappy

A woman and her 7 year old son were inside a taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.
The boy asked; “Mommy, what are all those women doing?”
His mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work.”
The taxi driver turned around and said, “Why don’t you tell him the truth? Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money."
The boy’s eyes got wide and he asked, “Mommy is that true?” His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied, “Yes.!!”
After a few minutes, the boy asked, “Mommy, what happens to the babies those women have?”
She replied, “ *Most of them become taxi drivers*.”


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## Pappy

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. 
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished...Naturally, (since he was her husband.)
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. 
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much ?"
"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening...
 but you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.


----------



## Marie5656

She’s a keeper!!!!
This happened at a New York Airport.
This airline gate agent deserves an award for how she handled a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded flight was canceled. A
single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first who were in front of you; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain...


----------



## Sassycakes

Ten husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”


----------



## Sassycakes

Two engineering students ran into each other when going across campus. One of them noticed that the other one was riding a brand new bicycle. He waved him over and asked, “Hey, where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Carol gave it to me.” “Carol gave it to you?!? I knew she was into you, but this is just ridiculous!” “Well,” the other engineering student said, “yesterday I was walking along, minding my own business when beautiful Carol rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes until she was stark naked, and said, ‘Take what you want!’” So I took the bike and left! The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”


----------



## Furryanimal

A Dinner Speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head Table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false Teeth. Turning to the Man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The Man said, "No problem." He reached into his Pocket and pulled out a pair of false Teeth. "Try these," he said. The Speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The Man then said, "I have another pair - try these." The Speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The Man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them." The Speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his Meal and gave his speech.

After the Dinner meeting was over, the Speaker went over to thank the Man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your Office? I've been looking for a good Dentist."

The Man replied, "I'm not a Dentist. I'm an Undertaker."


----------



## Sassycakes

A re*tired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.*​*The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.”
>The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”*


----------



## carouselsilver




----------



## MickaC




----------



## RB-TX

carouselsilver said:


> View attachment 182052


To end the arguments

A school bus driver got fed up with all the arguments and spats over race relations, that the students on his bus were constantly having.

One day he reached the end of his rope and stopped the bus in a remote location.  He told all the kids to get off the bus.  When everyone was outside standing in a group by the side of the road, he talked to them.

He told them he was tired of all the arguing and fighting over race, and that beginning right now, that no one was white and no one was black, that everyone was GREEN.  He said to look at their own skin and at their friends.  Everyone agreed that everyone was green,

"Okay", the bus driver said, "Now get get back on the bus, and all you _dark green_ kids sit in the back."


----------



## Pappy

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!


----------



## CAKCy

Pappy said:


> ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
> Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
> Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
> A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
> The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
> Am I wrong?
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
> The directions said that:
> a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
> a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
> a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
> Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
> I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
> Note:
> If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
> one note of caution:
> There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
> A three second burst would be considered conservative!
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
> · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
> · My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
> · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
> · I had no control over the drooling.
> · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
> · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
> I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
> PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
> If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!



Good thing he didn't buy an AR-15.....


----------



## Sassycakes

​A farmer’s wife is tending to his prized donkey when it rears its hind legs and kicks her right in the head, knocking the life out of her in an instant.

The funeral took place a few days later, and the farmer’s friends consoled him one by one.

As this was happening, the pastor looked on and saw the farmer shaking his head “no” to all the ladies, but he was nodding his head “yes” to all the men.

The pastor asks him: “Why were you shaking your head no to your wife’s friend but nodding your head yes as your friends walked past?”

“It’s simple.” The farmer stated. “The women asked if I needed anything, and I said no.”

“Alright, so what about the men?” The pastor asks.

“They asked if they could borrow the donkey.”







​


----------



## Sassycakes

*Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!*
*Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"

father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"*

*The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."*


----------



## RB-TX

Sassycakes said:


> *Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!*
> *Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
> 
> Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
> 
> Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
> 
> father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
> I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
> Sandra is actually your sister.
> "The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
> 
> Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
> 
> Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
> 
> Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
> 
> Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
> This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad,
> he went straight to his mother crying.
> 
> Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"*
> 
> *The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."*



I've decided not to be pessimistic. It probably wouldn't work anyway.


**
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Carol listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men.
"Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
"Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
**


----------



## Sassycakes

A Hillbilly gets married, and on his wedding night, he calls his father for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before.
"We're in the bedroom pa what do we do now?".
Thinking that nature would take its course the father said"take her clothes off and then you both get into bed".
The Hillbilly calls his dad five minutes later she's nekid and we're in bed what do I do now?".
Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box,his dad asks"did you take your clothes off too?".
"No" his son replies
"Well take off your clothes and get into bed with her ".
The son calls back a few minutes later and says "we're both nekid and in bed what do we do now?".
The father's patience is quickly running out and he growls"just stick the hardest thing on your body where she pee's!".
The son calls back a minute later"okay pa I've got my head in the toilet


----------



## ohioboy

Q: What has 75 balls and screws you?

A: Bingo


----------



## CAKCy

All married men died.
The crowd is standing before St. Peter. 
He yells: 
"All of you, who used to be afraid of your wives when you were alive, move to my left. The rest, remain here..."
The entire crowd except one man moved to the left...
St. Peter sees the lone man standing there, walks closer to him and says:
"Hey there!
"Hello!" the man responds...
"Are you ok?"
"Sure!" 
"Ummm... did you hear what I said before?"
"I sure did!"
"What did I say? Could you repeat it, please?"
"You said that all men who used to be afraid of their wives should move yonder."
"Annnd... Why are _you _still standing here?"
"Oh, I'm sorry... My wife told me to stand here and not move an inch!"


----------



## CAKCy

Sassycakes said:


> Ten husbands, Still a Virgin
> A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
> “What?” said the puzzled groom.
> “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
> “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
> Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
> Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
> Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
> Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
> Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
> Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
> Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
> Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
> Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
> “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
> “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”



I didn't really get the "stamp collector" line....


----------



## Sassycakes

*There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her  feel pretty, he would make it so that every time **someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size. So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size. Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger. Then she's walking down the street 
and a man from India bumps into her and says, *
*"Oh my god! A thousand apologies*


----------



## charry

What do they put on top of Irish Ladders.......?

STOP SIGNS ....


----------



## Lewkat

Pappy said:


> A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you. "She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde. " The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde? "


Buying air?


----------



## Sassycakes

*Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate **Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy 
and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, 
you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven." So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says, "Yes." "Well," says Ford, 
"You have some major design flaws in your invention:
 1) There is too much front end protusion 
2) It chatters at high speeds 
3) The rear end wobbles too much 
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust." 
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on". So Adam goes to the celestial 
computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. 
The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, 
"It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer,
 more men are riding my invention than yours."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  The last patient and philosophy of marriage*
*A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”

“I accept, thanks!” She answers. He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking. Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.
*
*The doctor looks worried, gets up, and says: “My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”*


----------



## Pappy

A down-and-out guy looking for work applied at a zoo. The zoo didn’t have any openings, but the keeper offered the guy an unusual position. It seems that the zoo’s star gorilla had died suddenly, and since it was the main attraction, the zoo didn’t want to release the information until a new gorilla had been procured. So the zoo offered the guy a temporary job as a gorilla, in a costume, of course, just until they could get a replacement animal.
The man spent a full day getting used to his costume, and learning how to act and how to move like a gorilla. “The most important thing,” his trainers said, “is that you must never, ever break character. Nobody can ever know that you aren’t the real gorilla.”
In the enclosure, the guy was fantastic. He mimicked the gorilla so well that nobody suspected a thing. One day, he swung a little too high and went over the wall, landing in the lion’s enclosure. With the large ferocious beast stalking him and licking its chops, our gorilla-guy frantically searched for an escape. He ran, and of course the lion immediately gave chase.
Around and around they went, with the lion gaining ground, and finally, the desperate gorilla, fearing for his life, decided to break character. So he shouted, “Help, HELP!”
Immediately behind him, he heard the lion growl: “Shut up! Do you wanna get us both fired?!”


----------



## Sassycakes

*There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she 
told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell 
you about those young boys.He is going to try to kiss you, you are going
 to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, 
you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , 
you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. 
But most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you 
and have his way with you.
You are going to like that, but don't let him do that, 
it will disgrace the family. With that bit of advice, the granddaughter 
went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. 
But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family.
When he tried I turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced his family!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  A couple gets married, and the girl's mother lives downstairs.*
*The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest! I can't make love to him, it's disgusting!"
The mother says to her, "He's your husband, you do what he wants you to. Now go back upstairs."
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants.
This sends her running back down to her mother. "Momma, Momma! It's terrible! He has hair all over his legs!"
The mother tells the girl, "Look, he is your husband, you are his wife. You go back upstairs and do what he wants."
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing.
She goes crying back down the stairs. "Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half!"*
*"You stay here," says the mother. "I'll go upstairs!"*


----------



## win231

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
_"What do you think you're doing?"_ asks the wife.
_"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans,"_ he replies.
_"Put them back, we can't afford them,"_ demands the wife. They continue shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it in their cart.
_"What do you think you're doing?"_ asks the husband.
_"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," _replies the wife.
Her husband says,_ "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."_


----------



## win231

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelery store with a beautiful much-younger gal at his side.  He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25.00 in your account."
"I know," said the old man. _"But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"_


----------



## Sassycakes

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"


----------



## Sassycakes

*A man shopping in a supermarket took his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. *
*The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?" "Yes," replied the man. 
"Well, where is it? asked the cashier. "I left him home," he answered. 
"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. 
That's the rules." The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier. "Yes," he said, 
"but I left him home." "Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell
 you the food. That's the rules." The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Put your hand in here."
 The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?" The man replied, *
*"I'd like to purchase three rolls of toilet paper please!" *


----------



## Sassycakes

*During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t).*
*
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg, and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. 

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually, the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap, and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
*
*At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday!*”


----------



## win231

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?*"*


----------



## horseless carriage

Sassycakes said:


> *"It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!"*


I'm going to steal that line, it's hilarious.


----------



## Sassycakes

*A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.*
*
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed, the next patient also appears half dead.

"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"

"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed, the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. 

"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
*
*"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Do you have a vagina?*
*A woman home alone, answers a knock on the door to a man who just stood there and asked, "Do you have a vagina?" 
She slams the door in disgust and tells her husband that night when he got home from work. 
The next morning she answers a knock on the door. It's the same man and he asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?"
Once again she slams the door. 
She immediately gets on the phone and rings her husband at work. 
He tells her he will take the day off tomorrow just in case the man shows up a third time. 
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both make for the door. 
The husband whispers to his wife, "Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy I want you to tell him yes to his question because I want to see where he's going with this." 
She nods, a yes to her husband, and opens the door. 
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there. He asks, "Do you have a vagina?" 
"Yes I do." says the lady. 
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. *
*
They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. 

After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey.

How about if we sleep together tonight. 

No strings attached. 

It'll just be one night of fun." 

The woman doctor agrees to it. 

So they go back to her place, and he goes into the bedroom.

She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.

She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. 

Finally, she goes into the bedroom, and they have sex for an hour or so. 

Afterward, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" 

"Yeah, how did you know?" The man says,

"I tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." 

"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. 

"You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" 

"Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised. 

"How did you know?" 
*
*The woman answers, "Because I slept through most of it and didn't feel a thing."*


----------



## Pappy

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds
With
OneStone !!


----------



## Pappy




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Tom 86

Blonde Jokes


1. WHY DOES IT TAKE LONGER TO BUILD A BLONDE SNOWMAN AS OPPOSED TO A
REGULAR ONE?
(YOU HAVE TO HOLLOW OUT THE HEAD.)

2. WHY WON'T THEY HIRE BLONDES AS PHARMACISTS?
(THEY KEEP BREAKING THE PRESCRIPTION BOTTLES IN THE TYPEWRITERS.)

3. HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT GOT AN AM RADIO?
(IT TOOK HER A MONTH TO REALIZE SHE COULD PLAY IT IN THE
AFTERNOON.)

4. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLONDE ICE HOCKEY TEAM?
(THEY DROWNED DURING SPRING TRAINING.)

5. WHY DID THE BLONDE SCALE THE CHAIN-LINK FENCE?
(TO SEE WHAT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE)

6. HOW DID THE BLONDE BURN HER NOSE?
(BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES.)

7. WHY DO BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN?
(THEY'RE EASIER TO AMUSE.)

8. WHAT DO YOU CALL 20 BLONDES IN A FREEZER?
(FROSTED FLAKES.)

9. WHY CAN'T BLONDES PUT IN LIGHT BULBS?
(THEY KEEP BREAKING THEM WITH THEIR HAMMERS.)

10. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT SHOT AN ARROW INTO THE AIR?
(SHE MISSED.)

11. WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN A BLONDE BLOWS INTO ANOTHER BLONDE'S EAR?
(DATA TRANSFER.)

12. WHY DID THE BLONDE RESOLVE TO HAVE ONLY THREE CHILDREN?
(BECAUSE SHE READ THAT ONE CHILD OUT OF EVERY FOUR IS BORN
CHINESE.)

13. WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT MAKE-UP ON HER FOREHEAD?
(SHE WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT SHE WAS ABLE TO MAKE UP HER
MIND.)

14. WHY DID THE BLONDE ASK HER FRIENDS TO SAVE THEIR BURNED-OUT LIGHT
BULBS?
(SHE NEEDED THEM FOR THE DARKROOM SHE WAS BUILDING.)

15. WHY ARE ASIANS SO SMART?
(NO BLONDES.)

16. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST ADVANTAGE TO MARRYING BLONDE?
(YOU GET TO PARK IN THE HANDICAPPED ZONE)

A BETTER BLONDE JOKE:
A GROUP OF BLONDES IN A CLASS AT TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY WERE GIVEN THE
ASSIGNMENT TO MEASURE THE HEIGHT OF A FLAGPOLE.
SO THEY WENT OUT TO THE FLAGPOLE WITH LADDERS AND TAPE MEASURES, BUT
THEY FELL OFF THE LADDERS AND DROPPED THE TAPE MEASURES AND PENCILS-THE
WHOLE THING WAS JUST A MESS.

AN ENGINEERING STUDENT COMES ALONG AND SEES WHAT THEY'RE TRYING TO DO.

HE WALKS OVER, PULLS THE FLAGPOLE OUT OF THE GROUND, LAYS IT FLAT,
MEASURES IT FROM END TO END, AND THEN GIVES THE MEASUREMENT TO ONE OF
THE BLONDES AND WALKS AWAY.

AFTER THE ENGINEER HAD GONE, ONE BLONDE TURNED TO ANOTHER AND LAUGHED:
"ISN'T THAT JUST LIKE A DUMB ENGINEER? WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE HEIGHT AND
HE GIVES US THE LENGTH"!


----------



## Tom 86

Think YOU'RE having a bad day???

  In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients

  in the same bed always died on Sunday morning

at about 11:00 a.m. This puzzled the doctors and

some even thought it had something to do with

the supernatural.

  No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths

  occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so

  a worldwide team of experts was assembled to

  investigate the cause of the incidents.

   The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before

  11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously

  waited outside the ward to see for themselves what

the terrible phenomenon was all about.

  Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books,

  and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

  Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson,

  the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and

unplugged the life support system so he could use the

vacuum cleaner.

   Having a Bad Day????

   The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon

  Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.

  At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved

animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers

and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

 Still think you are having a Bad Day????

   A woman came home to find her husband in the

  kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,

with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the

electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she

whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his

arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had

  been happily listening to his Walkman.


  STILL think you're having Bad Day????

   Two animal rights defenders were protesting the

  cruelty of ending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn,

Germany.

  Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose

and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

  What? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage

  on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to

Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb,

  he opened it and was blown to bits.

  There now, feeling better????


----------



## Tom 86

> Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
> 
> It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
> Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
> 
> After that, and for insurance purposes, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
> 
> Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
> 
> You probably did not know the true history of this word.
> 
> Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.


----------



## Tom 86

Once there was a man who loved baked beans. He would eat up to 5 and sometimes 6 plates at a time, but that always be followed with smelly, loud, stinky gas.

One day he met a beautiful lady and decided to talk to her. They started seeing each other.

Since he did not want her to smell his nasty gas after eating beans, he made the sacrifice and stopped eating them. One year later they were married.

On his birthday, the next year, he was coming home from work, when suddenly his car broke down.

He called his wife to tell her what had happened, and also to let her know that he would be home a little late. She said she understood, but to hurry, because she had a surprise for him.

On his way, he saw a diner and smelled baked beans cooking inside. Since he had to walk 6 miles to get home, he figured that by the time he got there all the smelly gas would be gone.

He went in and ate 7 bowls of baked beans. On his way back home, he was farting nasty and smelly
gas.

Finally, he got home and on the door, his wife had hung a blindfold for him to wear, so he wouldn't peek.

She sat him at the table when all of a sudden the phone rang. She made him promise he wouldn't peek until she got back.

Unfortunately, his gas came back and he couldn't hold it in any longer. Since she was taking so long, he decided to let it go.

He picked up his leg and let it rip. It smelled so bad, he had to get a napkin and fan so she wouldn't smell it.

He wanted to fart again, so he once again picked up his leg, but this time it was so loud and smelly, that it shook the windows and killed the flowers.

After a couple of more farts, his wife finally got off the phone, so he stopped.

When she took the blindfold off to his surprise, there were 12 guests seated at the table.


----------



## Tom 86

THE DILLARD'S THIEF In San Antonio, Texas.

   This is too funny! This could only be true, you can't make this stuff

  up.

  Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed
  down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no
  flies, no smell.

  What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.

  "Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already grabbed her
  shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag,
  and then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's
  bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former
  feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it.

  They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their
  goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left
  Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while
  they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

  They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed
  over to Luby's Cafeteria.

  After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table,
  they had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the
  trunk.

  BUT not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a
  red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that,
  and then hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride.

  She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine? "
finally sputtered Ellen.

  "The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly
  a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting
  the red-gingham thief.

  Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed
  Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following
  her gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the
  Dillard's bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly
  pushing her tray toward the cashier.

  Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register,
  the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an
  an empty chair and began to eat.

  After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually
  lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure.

  Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt
  audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered
  into the bag.

  Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise.

The noise grew.

  The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and
  clutching her upper chest.

  The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble
  and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich
  maneuver.

  A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who
  remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the
  ambulance arrived.

  In a matter of minutes, the curly-haired woman emerged from the crowd,
  still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney.

  Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance,
  while a third scooped up her belongings.

  The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind
  the ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.

  My mom always taught me if it doesn't belong to you don't touch it,
  guess she didn't have a wise mom as I do. Serves her right, God does take care of those who do bad things!

  ARE YOU LAUGHING????


----------



## Sassycakes

*Paddy got down on one knee and said to Caitlin, “Sweetheart, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something.*
*
“I’m not rich like Mick. I’m not a professional athlete Like  Danny. I’m not a famous surgeon like Martin. But I do love you, and I want to marry you.”
*
*Caitlin replied, “Oh, Paddy, I love you too! What was that you said about Mick?*”


----------



## Sassycakes

*A married couple goes to a nightclub. There’s a man on the dance floor giving it all the moves – moonwalking, backflipping, everything.*
*
The wife says to her husband, “Do you know that man proposed to me 25 years ago, and I turned him down.”
*
*Her husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*                             Insurance matters *
*
A fire burned down the  Murphy’s barn.

While Farmer Murphy was out surveying the wreckage, Mrs. Murphy called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, which was the amount of insurance on the barn.

“We don’t actually give you the money,” the insurance company official explained. “We replace the item that was insured.”
*
*Mrs. Murphy exclaimed, “Goodness! In that case, please cancel the policy I have on my husband.”*


----------



## Tom 86

Birthday; Honey- - - 

Two old guys were chatting.....One said to the other:  
  "My 70th birthday was yesterday.  The wife gave me an SUV".
Another guy responded: "Wow, Imagine, an SUV!! What a great gift!"
First guy:  "Yup!!  Socks, Underwear, and ******!"


----------



## Tom 86

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what ! !

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' 
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked. 
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said. 
'Okay,' and she showed him. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! 
You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Tom 86

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,  "that the medication you prescribed has  to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
-----------------------------------------

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"   "Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me ..
your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for
------------------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

--------------------------------------------
How old would you be
if you didn't know how old you are?
----------------------------------------------

When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------

You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.

----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------

Old age is when former classmates are so gray
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A WELL PLANNED LIFE????

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,
Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,
"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the 
difference!"


----------



## Tom 86

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94
year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up
the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year
old is sitting at the k itchen table having tea listening to her sister!
s. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as
soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am
I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
__________________________________ _____
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in
the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week
to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends
for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her
friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just
one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through . The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to
the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred
turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"


----------



## fmdog44

Hubby says to wife "make some coffee!" Wife says, "why should I always make the coffee?" "Because you're a woman?" The wife says "That's not what the bible says." She goes and gets her bible, puts it on the table in front of him and points to the word, "Hebrew".


----------



## Tom 86

Married 10 Times


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. "

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..... God, I miss him!"

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"


----------



## Tom 86

Consider This...

The fact of the day... 
The country with the most post offices is India with over 152,792, compared with just over 38,000 in the United States.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. 
A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 
People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more. 
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ... even your heart! 
Only 7% of the population are lefties. 
40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 
Babies are born without knee caps They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old. 
The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 
The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 
The average housefly lives for one month. 
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 
A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. 
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. 
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. 
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. 
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? 
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 
A bus station is where a bus stops
A train station is where a train stops
On my desk, I have a workstation..... 
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 
Atheism is a non prophet organization. 
The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live. 
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? 
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 
I must always remember that I am unique... Just like everyone else. 
I think everyone has a photographic memory: it's just that some of us are out of the film 
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. 
I don't have a solution but I admire your problem.


----------



## Tom 86

Proverbs: ADVERSITY - That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.
AMBITION - The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.
BAILOUTS - From each according to his ability, to each according to his lack thereof.
BLOGGING - Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.
CLUELESSNESS - There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.
DEFEAT -For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.
DELUSIONS - There is no greater joy than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality.
ECONOMICS -The science of explaining tomorrow why the predictions you made yesterday didn't come true today.
EFFORT -Hard work never killed anybody, but it is illegal in some places.
GOVERNMENT - If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions.
IDIOCY - Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
INCOMPETENCE - When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.
INDECISION - The mark of the leader is the ability to make decisions. The mark of the survivor is knowing when not to.
INSIGHT - When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The smart left a long time ago.


----------



## Tom 86

Twelve Days of Halloween

On the first day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the second day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the third day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the fourth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the fifth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
5 SCARY SPOOKS! 4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS;
2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the sixth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
6 GOBLINS GOBBLING; 5 SCARY SPOOKS! 4 SKELETONS;
3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!
On the seventh day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
7 PUMPKINS GLOWING; 6 GOBLINS GOBBLING; 5 SCARY SPOOKS!
4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the eighth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
8 MONSTERS SHRIEKING; 7 PUMPKINS GLOWING; 6 GOBLINS GOBBLING;
5 SCARY SPOOKS! 4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the ninth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
9 GHOSTS A--BOOING; 8 MONSTERS SHRIEKING; 7 PUMPKINS GLOWING;
6 GOBLINS GOBBLING; 5 SCARY SPOOKS! 4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS;
2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the tenth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
10 GHOULS A-GROANING; 9 GHOSTS A--BOOING; 8 MONSTERS SHRIEKING;
7 PUMPKINS GLOWING; 6 GOBLINS GOBBLING; 5 SCARY SPOOKS!
4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the eleventh day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
11 MASKS A-LEERING; 10 GHOULS A-GROANING; 9 GHOSTS A--BOOING;
8 MONSTERS SHRIEKING; 7 PUMPKINS GLOWING; 6 GOBLINS GOBBLING;
5 SCARY SPOOKS! 4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS; 2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!

On the twelfth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
12 BATS A-FLYING. 11 MASKS A-LEERING; 10 GHOULS A-GROANING;
9 GHOSTS A--BOOING; 8 MONSTERS SHRIEKING; 7 PUMPKINS GLOWING;
6 GOBLINS GOBBLING; 5 SCARY SPOOKS! 4 SKELETONS; 3 BLACK CATS;
2 TRICK-OR-TREATERS; AND AN OWL IN A DEAD TREE!


----------



## Tom 86

Barn Out Back - 9 Things to think about




1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their seat to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually...

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Dang right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course, it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the dang floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest dang thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?


----------



## Tom 86

An American is having breakfast one morning, coffee, croissants, bread, butter, and jam, when a Frenchman, chewing bubble gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform
them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on
his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers recycle them, transform them into
jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in
France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."


----------



## Tom 86

two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a  last night on the town.  after a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. these two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them.  they won't know the difference." the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead!"

"dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"

"well, she  never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."


 his friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

"a witch, why the hell would you say that?"

  "well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a  little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."


----------



## Tom 86

A businessman leaves his wife the following letter on the dining room
table:

"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that  I have certain needs
that you with your 54 years can no longer supply.  I am very happy with
you and I  value you as a good wife.

Therefore after reading this letter, I hope  that you will not
wrongly  interpret the fact that I will be  spending the evening with my 
18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.  Please don't be 
disturbed  - I shall  be  back home before  midnight."

When the man came home, he  found the following letter on the dining
room table:

"My Dear Husband I received your letter and thank you for your
honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 
54  years old.  At the same time I  would like to inform you 
that while you read this,  I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, 
who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and  with your excellent knowledge of
Math,  you will understand that we are in the same situation, although 
with one  small difference.  18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes 
into 18.

Therefore, I  will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow


----------



## Tom 86

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and 
took their drink order.


"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. 

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. 

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. 

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for 
dinner. 

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. 

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. 

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. 

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the 
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy. 

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. 

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy. 

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but 
why have you only ordered  beer all evening?" 


You're gonna LOVE me for this....




The third piggy says - 

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"


----------



## Tom 86

> THE HILLBILLY LOVE POEM
> 
> 
> SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
> SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
> SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
> SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
> 
> PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
> YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
> I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
> BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
> 
> SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
> AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
> BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
> HE SAID, THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
> 
> YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
> AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
> BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
> I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
> 
> BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
> JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY
> MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
> YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.​


----------



## Tom 86

I Love Grandmas 



     Here's a quote from someone who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC 

     "There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.   
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?" 

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II, my second husband died in Korea, one of my sons died in Vietnam, a Grandson died in Desert Storm, all so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up you're a** and open it."


----------



## RB-TX

Tom 86 said:


> I Love Grandmas
> 
> 
> 
> Here's a quote from someone who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC
> 
> "There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
> The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
> 
> The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II, my second husband died in Korea, one of my sons died in Vietnam, a Grandson died in Desert Storm, all so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up you're a** and open it."



*A MISUNDERSTANDING
*
A young carry-out guy at a grocery store was helping a lady by carrying several bags of groceries to her car.  While walking through the parking lot, the lady remarked to the man, "You know, Hon, I have an itchy-pussy."   Probably, she was talking about her pet Siamese cat that has an irritating skin disease. But the young man didn't interrupt it that way because he said, "Just point to it, Lady.  I can't tell one Japanese car from another."


----------



## Tom 86

in case you didn't already know this little tidbit of wonderful trivia...............
on july 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
his first words after stepping on the moon,
"that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.
but, just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut.
however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'good luck, Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
on July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about Mr.Gorsky, and
this time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had just died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.
here is the answer to
"who was Mr. Gorsky?":
in 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
his friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by their bedroom window.
his neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
as he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky,
"sex! you want sex?! you'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
it broke the place up.
Neil Armstrong's family confirmed that
this is a true story.


----------



## Tom 86

The North vs. The South




The North has Bloomingdale’s.
                     The South has Dollar General.


The North has coffee houses.
                     The South has Waffle Houses.


The North has dating services.
                     The South has family reunions.


The North has switchblade knives.
                     The South has .45s.


The North has double last names.
                     The South has double first names.


The North has Indy car races.
                     The South has stock car races.


The North has Cream of Wheat.
                     The South has grits.


The North has green salads.
                     The South has collard greens.


The North has lobster.
                     The South has crawfish.


The North has the rust belt.
                     The South has the Bible Belt.


Tips For Northerners Moving South


If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.


Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.


Remember, "ya’ll" is singular, "all y’all" is plural, and "all y’all’s" is plural possessive.


Get used to hearing "You ain’t from round here, are ya?"


Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.


Don’t be worried about not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either.


The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective "big’ol" truck or "big’ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.


The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.


Be advised that "He needed killin’" is a valid defense here.


If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y’all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.


If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.


Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.


In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.


AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain’t gonna call ‘em biscuits.


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Tom 86

WARNING: ONLY Read This, Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD. 

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.  You see, the previous evening I had prepared & consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili.  Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.   

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, & even after two cups of coffee (& all of you know what I mean), nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'.  Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract,  I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder & lightning.   

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint & supplies to refinish the den.  Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.  I selected a cart & began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.  It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.   

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.   I'm referring to that  'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go'  pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time......The thing is, this pain was different.  The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.   

In a mad rush for freedom, they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, & before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. 

There I stood, alone in the paint & stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.   I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.   

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, & I began to move up the aisle & out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner & asked if I needed any help. 
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?    Here's what I mean,  & I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. 

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't.  I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, & apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses & running, was to stand there blinking  & waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.  This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh......BIG mistake!!!!! 

Here's the thing.  When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',  if you know what I mean.  With each new guffaw, an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.  Some were so loud & echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store & firing off a shotgun. 

Suddenly things were no longer funny.  'It' was coming, & I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal explosion took place. 

Luck was on my side.  Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.  One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.  He made a gagging sound, & disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.   

Once finished & I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me & said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.  It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.   The manager's going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought   to take care of the problem.' 

  My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.  The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose &, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.   I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises & asked none too kindly not to return.   
Home again without the supplies I needed, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. 
The next day I went shopping at Lowe's. I can't say any more about that because we are in court over the whole matter. 

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the whole store.


----------



## Tom 86

THE ELECTRIC FENCE & LAWN MOWER


If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one
you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but "he tells it like it is" without cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod and drove
it 7 1/2 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I  knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
way. -------- It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all!!

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of
an upside-down cow on fire on the cover.


Time stood still.


The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned
back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point, I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by
International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point, I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

"Damn!," I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think, "Oh
God, please die .... Pleeeeaze die." But nooooo, it settles into the
rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller
cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe
in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

 Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

 1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
 cheek (not the left, just the right).

 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
 as you might think.

 4 - My left eye will not open.

 5 - My right eye will not close.

 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
 little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
 it was better than new after that.

 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple-check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT  gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Paco Dennis

If you lose something in an old-age home, don't stop until you've searched every nook and *granny*.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86

Colonoscopy Journal . . .

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.  A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring, and patient manner.  I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.  Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.  Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.  The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.  MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.  I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.  There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.  After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.  The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.  I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurting.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic, I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily, I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.  At first, I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.  Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.  There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.  'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.  'Haha,' I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.  I have no idea.

Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen!  Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'..  and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.  Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over and that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


----------



## win231

It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus.  She's wearing a tight mini skirt.  The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.
Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.
A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.
She turned around, slapped him across the face & screamed: _"How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!"_
The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."


----------



## Marie5656

Any friends here of Polish background will enjoy this one.


----------



## Sassycakes

*Three men went to Las Vegas and after losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends*
* decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters. *
*So the first man went up to their father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.*


----------



## win231

A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.  She gets up to look for him.  She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.  He appears to be in deep thought,  just staring at the wall.  She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye & takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks.
The husband says, "I was just thinking about when we first met 20 years ago & started dating.  You were only 16.  Do you remember?"
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring & sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied.
The husband asks, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face & said, "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to prison for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek & says, "I would have gotten out today."


----------



## Tom 86

A week after their marriage, the redneck went to the doctor’s office.

“You ain’t gonna believe this, Doc,” said the husband. “My whacker’s turnin’ blue.”

“That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.”

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck’s really is blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, “Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?”

“Yep, sure am,” she replied brightly.

“And what kind of jelly are you using with it?”

“Grape.”


----------



## Tom 86

Now,  this is the truth!

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE  


NICKNAMES 
·          If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah. 
·          If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. 

EATING OUT 
·          When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. 
·          When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 

MONEY 
·          A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. 
·          A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. 

BATHROOMS 
·          A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel 
·          The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items. 

ARGUMENTS 
·          A woman has the last word in any argument.. 
·          Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 

FUTURE 
·          A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 
·          A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 

SUCCESS 
·          A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
·          A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 

MARRIAGE 
·          A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 
·          A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. 

DRESSING UP 
·          A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail. 
·          A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals. 

NATURAL 
·          Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. 
·          Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 

OFFSPRING 
  Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. 
·          A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.


----------



## Tom 86

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!


----------



## Sassycakes

* A man comes home...*
*To find his wife sitting seductively on the couch in sexy lingerie. She looks at him coyly and asks, "Have you ever seen a dollar all crumpled up?"*
*
The man replies, "No..."

His wife reaches near her breast and pulls out a crumpled-up $1 bill. She then asks him, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"Not that I'm aware of." Says the man with a puzzled look on his face.

His wife pulls a $50 bill out of her garter, crumples it up, and throws it at his feet.

She then asks him, "Have you ever seen *fifty thousand dollars* all crumpled up?

"I'm certain that's something I've never seen." Her husband says with confidence.
*
*His wife says, "Go look in the garage, I wrecked the car"*


----------



## win231

A teenager walks into a pharmacy & tells the pharmacist: "I need a dozen condoms.  My girlfriend's parents are leaving town tonight, & we're gonna bang our brains out."
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"
The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."
His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."
The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."


----------



## win231

“What starting salary are you looking for?” the head of human resources asked the newly-graduated engineer at the end of a job interview.
The applicant says, “Well, sir, I was thinking about $200,000.00 depending on the benefits package.”
“Okay, the H.R. director says. “How about three months vacation, 75 paid holidays, full medical & dental & a new Porsche for your company car?” The applicant gasps & says, “Wow!” are you kidding?”
“Yeah, he replies, “But you started it.”


----------



## win231

A guy is watching a football game on TV & he doesn’t like to be bothered.  His wife tries to do the laundry but the washer isn’t working.
She tells her husband _“Honey, the washer is not working.”_
He says _“Do I look like the Maytag Man?”_
She calls a repairman.  After the repairman fixes the washer, the wife wants to go shopping but the car won’t start.
She says to her husband _“Honey, the car won’t start.”_
He says _“Do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?_”
She tries to call a mechanic but there is no dial tone on the phone.
She says _“Honey, the phone is dead.”_
He says: _“Do I look like AT&T?”_
She calls a tow truck from the neighbor’s phone. The wife is gone for several hours & by the time she returns home with the car, the football game is over.
Her husband says “_Did you get the car fixed?”_
The wife says _“Yes, but after the mechanic fixed it, I realized I forgot my purse so I couldn’t pay him.  Instead of money, he said I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him.”_
The husband says _“Did he like the cake?”_
The wife says _“Do I look like Betty Crocker?”_


----------



## win231

A guy walks into a pharmacy & asks the clerk, "Do you have ******?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Does it work?" asks the guy.
"Yes," he answered.
"Can I get it over the counter?" he asks.
"Well, maybe.....if you take two."


----------



## win231

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.  Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $25.00."
The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK,_"_ said the little old man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I love my fellow man anyway. If you continue over that hill to the east for about a mile, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.  Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.  Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said: _"You little bastard! Your brother won't let me in without a tie."_


----------



## win231

A wife says to her husband, "Are you hungry for breakfast?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
A few hours later, she asks, "Do you want to have lunch now?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
Five hours later, she asks, "Well, how about dinner?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
She says,_ "Get the hell off me....I'm starving."_


----------



## Sassycakes

"*What Is This Father "
	

	
	
		
		

		
			









*
*A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.*
*Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… “Go get your Mother.”*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Tom 86

MY FIRST TIME....

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret. 
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I. 
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do. 
Her skin was so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine. 
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands-on were her breast. 
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart. 
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came. 
At last, it's finished
It's all over now
Its my first time ever


At milking a cow... 





  NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS AND GET BACK TO WORK..


----------



## Tom 86

Snake warning!!!


Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes
(Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous.  Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.  Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of
potted plants.  During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass
the snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.  About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.  He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still, and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.  Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake.  She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.  They were about to arrest them all when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.  The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by neighbors who called in the fire department.  The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the power and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed!  Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.  The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## win231

A group of tourists were about to go on a hike.  The Park Ranger was warning them about the dangers posed by Grizzly Bears.
He said, "Problems can occur when people unexpectedly stumble across bears. We advise hikers to wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn bears of their presence.  And always be alert when you know bears are in the area, especially if you see bear droppings."
One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"
"Easy," replied the ranger.  "They're the ones with the tiny bells in them."


----------



## Tom 86

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

 A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar
 , and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
 corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks 
the biggest, meanest, biker in the face, and says: "I went by your
 grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine-looking woman!"

 The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
 confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at  the drop
 of a hat.

 The drunk leans on the table again and says:
 "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

 The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker
 still says nothing.

 The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell
 you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

 At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the
 shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................





 "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.


----------



## Tom 86

THE LAWYER..

  A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck
came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's
door of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed  911, and it
wasn't more than 5 minutes before a  policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body
the shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are
so focused on your possessions that you neglect the  most important
things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing?  It got ripped off when the truck hit you."

My God!" screamed the lawyer.

 (scroll down)









"WHERE'S MY ROLEX?"


----------



## jerry old

This is not a joke:
Tonight PBS on 'Secrets of the Dead,' the episode is titled: The untold story of prehistoric women.
Now, let the jokes begin...
(Your spouse cannot be used as an example.)


----------



## Sassycakes

*A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.*
*
The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have 
never sold bottom deodorant. 

The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the 
that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, 
and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that 
they don't stock or sell such an item, smiles at the blonde and says, 
"One moment please, I will get the Pharmacist." 

The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"

"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde. 

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." 

"But I always get it here," says the blonde. 

"Do you have the container it comes in?" 

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it." 

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, 
who looks at it and says to the woman, 
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant". 

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out *
*loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  A man is having marital problems, so decides to see a therapist.*
*
The man says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper with me for no reason."

"It's getting worse," he says. "I tell her that other women I work with don't act crazy the way she does, but she doesn't listen!"

The therapist thinks for a moment, then says, "I think I have an answer for your problem." 

"When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth." 

"Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the man goes back to the therapist looking fresh and reborn.

The man says, "You know, that was a brilliant idea!" 

"Every time my wife started berating me, I swished with water." 

"I swished and swished, and after a few minutes she calmed right down!" 

"How does a glass of water do that?!"

The therapist says, "The water itself does nothing,"... 
*
*"It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what !!
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.*

*He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' 
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked. 
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said. 
'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! *
*You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*


----------



## Pappy

63 and pregnant
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"


----------



## Ruthanne




----------



## OneEyedDiva

*Things My Mother Taught Me*
~My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
~My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
~My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
~My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."

~My mother taught me FORESIGHT- "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
~My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
~My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
~My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

~My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
~My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
~My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
~My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

~My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
~My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like a two year old!"
~My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

*"Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee" (Exodus 20:12)...*


----------



## Furryanimal




----------



## Sassycakes

Naughty Mom!​Son- Mom..
Mom- yes... 

S- Y my cousin named diamond ?

M- Coz ur aunt loves diamond.

S- And what about me ?

M- enough questions Dicky..!!


----------



## win231

An old man says to his doctor: “I wish you could lower my sex drive.”
The doctor says: “How old are you?”
The man says: “97.”
The doctor says: “It’s all in your head.”
The man says: “I know, doc; I want you to _lower_ it.”


----------



## Sassycakes

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"


----------



## OneEyedDiva

I'm going to post this in parts because it's long. And that's how the fight started Part 1:
This is how the fights got started and why ICU is filled to the brim. A little humor for you

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
_And that's when the fight started..._

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
_And that's when the fight started..._

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?!"
_And then the fight started._


----------



## win231

A Frenchman, a German & an Irishman walk into a bar & each orders whiskey.
The drinks arrive & there's a fly in each one.
The Frenchman says, "Mon Dieu! I cannot drink this!"
The German flicks the fly out & gulps the drink down.
The Irishman grabs the fly, turns it upside down & yells, _"Spit it out!"_


----------



## Sassycakes

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."


----------



## Tom 86

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunken people too.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband..
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy

Marie was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Boudreaux, you need to go out and fix da outhouse!"
Boudreaux replies, "Dere ain't nuthin wrong wid da outhouse."
Marie yells back, "Yes dere is; now git out dere and fix it."
So.......Boudreaux mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Marie dere ain't nuthin wrong wid dis outhouse cher! "
Marie replies, "Stick yur head in da hole!"
Boudreaux yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in dat hole!"
Marie says, "Ya have to stick yur head in da hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Boudreaux sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,"Marie - Dere ain't nuthin wrong with dis outhouse!"
Marie hollers back, "Now take your head out of da hole!"
Boudreaux proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, "Marie - Help! My beard is stuck in da cracks in da toilet seat!"
To which Marie replies, "Hurts, don't it?"
Join This Group If you Love To Laugh: Laugh Of The Day


----------



## Gary O'

This came across my screen this morn

gave me a chuckle


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Sassycakes

*There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, 
I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.

Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to 
satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and 
seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town.

When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest 
about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing 
finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, 
your wife fell three times this week."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*At the marriage retreat, Amy and John were told to individually **write a sentence using the words sex and love.

Amy wrote: “When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another and respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of sex with one another.”
*
*And John wrote: “I love sex.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

It was high time that Paddy got married.
So, his parents called a marriage broker in Dublin and ask him to find a good wife for their son:
The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions about Paddy and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law.
They give him a long list of requirements.
The marriage broker takes a long time looking here, there, and everywhere and finally visits the family again with a prospective bride proposal.
He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found.
He says: “She’s just the right age for your son. She keeps a neat home, she is a good Catholic and knows the prayers by heart. She is a wonderful cook, she loves children, wants a large family, and to crown it all, she’s gorgeous.”
After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.
But Paddy still has some lingering doubts and asks casually:
“Is she also good in bed?”
The marriage broker answers:
“Well, some say yes and some say no.”


----------



## Sassycakes

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
The women were asked,
“How many of you love your husband?”
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked,
“When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, a few yesterdays, and some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husbands –
“I love you, Sweetheart.”
Next, the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, 
you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. 
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?. ……..


----------



## Furryanimal

The secret to a long life​A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.


----------



## squatting dog




----------



## Sassycakes

*An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in*
*a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’

Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.’

The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’

The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’

‘We throw them away, of course!’

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
*
*‘We don’t. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’*


----------



## win231

Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, “Where are all the monkeys?”
“It’s mating season, so they’re all inside,” the zookeeper explains.
“Do you think they’d come out for peanuts,” the visitor asks?
The zookeeper asks “Would you?”


----------



## Sassycakes

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell, they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up. The husband then turns to his wife and say's to his wife,

Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."


----------



## Sassycakes

*It snowed last night...*
*8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - The TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:*
*There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.*


----------



## Sassycakes

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitts' sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal, however, that the sister was not as skilled with a blade as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh, causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to
be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with… a Misdeweiner!


----------



## Sassycakes

* Kissing the Blarney Stone*
*A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, 
constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible Its too hot, 
It's too cold and the accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone, the guide said.

Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.

We can't be here tomorrow, the nasty woman shouted. We have some other boring tours to go on. 
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone.

Well now, the guide said, it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone,
 you'll have the same good fortune.

And I suppose you've kissed the stone, the woman scoffed.
*
*No, ma'am, the irritated guide said, but I've sat on it.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*He started it!*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying.*
*1st Child: Why are you crying?
2nd Child: I came here for a blood test.
1st Child: So? Are you afraid?
2nd Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the first one started crying profusely.
The second one was astonished.
2nd Child: Why are you crying now?*
*1st Child: I came for a urine test!    *


----------



## Sassycakes

Steven was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother said, "Well dear..." "The stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too", she replied.
Somewhat irritated, but peaceful, he asked, "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?"
His mother replied, "Well darling, the stork brought them too!"
After a week Steven submitted his report, on which was written: 'This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth 
in my family for generations


----------



## Sassycakes

Three friends, an architect, an artist and an Italian engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with your wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The Italian engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" But, how? Asked other two.
Engineer: "If you have a wife and a mistress, both of them assume you are spending time with the other woman. You can go to the lab and get some work done."


----------



## Sassycakes

Italian Casanova
An Italian was driving his sports car along the Amalfi coast when he saw a beautiful girl hitchhiking. He stopped the car and offered the girl a ride. He went in ‘Casanova-mode’ and leaned over to pull the girl close.
She didn’t object so he took it a step further. He drove to his house and took the girl to his bedroom where they made passionate love. After an hour he rolled on his back.
He look over to the girl and asked: (in Italian voice) “you finish?”. The girl giggled and said no.
The guy couldn’t believe what he heard. He was a superb lover, so he leaned over her and started making love to her again. He used all his creativity and after 2 hours he was exhausted.
He rolled off the girl panting and asked her again: “you finish?”. The girl giggled again and said no.
The Italian went nuts. He, the greatest lover couldn’t make a girl orgasm? He started round 3. After 3
hours of working through all the positions of the Kamasutra the Italian rolled of the girl, heavily breathing and sweating. He asked her again: “you finish?”. The girl giggled and said: “No, I’m Swedish”.


----------



## Sassycakes

Honeymoons Three couples went to a hotel for their Honeymoons. They were served by a guy named Bill.
The first man was married to a nurse. "Nurses are cute." Bill thought to himself. 
The second man was married to a phone operator. "Phone operators have sexy voices." 
Bill thought to himself. The third man was married to a teacher. "Teachers are too formal and strict.
 poor guy." Bill thought to himself. After their honeymoons were over, Bill got a call from the first man. 
"NEVER MARRY A NURSE! ALL I HEARD LAST NIGHT WAS 'THAT'S UNSANITARY. 
THAT'S UNSANITARY'!" he screamed into the phone. A little later, 
Bill got a call from the second man. "DON'T MARRY A PHONE OPERATOR!
ALL SHE SAID WAS 'YOUR THREE MINUTES ARE UP!" the man raged. 
After a few more minutes, Bill got a call from the last man. 
"Remember to marry a teacher, Bill. She kept saying 
'we're going to do this over and over again until we get it right."


----------



## Pappy

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were all having their lunch break in the break room.

Suddenly, a stately lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry walked in.
She grandly said, “I am Gina the Great. I’m so pleased with the way you’ve looked after my aunt that I’m going to grant you one wish each!”
Then she waved of her hand. There was a puff of smoke and the room was suddenly full of flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did indeed have the power to grant wishes.
The nurses quickly discussed among themselves who should ask for the first wish.
Eventually the nursing assistant wished first. She said, “I wish I was on a beautiful tropical island, with single, handsome young men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.”
There was another puff of smoke and the nursing assistant disappeared.
The floor nurse was next to make her wish. She said, “I wish I was rich and retired, and spending my days in my own cosy, warm cabin at a ski resort with beautiful, well-groomed men feeding me wine and chocolates.”
There was yet another puff of smoke and the floor nurse too was gone.
The lady asked the charge nurse, “Now, what is the final wish?”
The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”


----------



## Tom 86

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."


----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Ken N Tx

Curtis & Leroy bought a mule for $100. 

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. 

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can! We don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" 

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said,"We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898." The farmer said, 

"Didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.


----------



## win231

A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
 "Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
 Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
 Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
 Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
 Wife: "Oh."
 Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
 Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
 Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
 Wife: "Oh."
 Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
 Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
 Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
 She got the raise.


----------



## Sassycakes

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."


----------



## Sassycakes

*A beautiful young lady went to a dance and she had a low-cut strapless gown on.*
*
Around her neck, she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.

All night she noticed a young man staring at her.

In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said,..

“Oh, you like my airplane huh?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*
*The young man smiled mischievously.

“No ma’am… I was just admiring the landing field.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A lady who was pregnant with triplets was walking down the street one night and got robbed. 
She refused to give the robber any money so she was shot 3 times in the stomach. 
Miraculously she and all three children survived. She eventually gave birth to two females and one male.

14 years later, her first daughter came up to the lady crying and freaking out. 
“Mom-mom I was peeing and a bullet came out.” The lady calmed her daughter down and explain to her what happened.

A week later her second daughter came up to the lady freaking out. ” mom- mom I had my first period 
and a bullet came out” she calmed her daughter down and explain what happened.

A week after and her son come up to her crying and freaking out. The lady says. *
*“Let me guess… You were peeing and a bullet came out” “No” said the boy ” I was playing with myself and I shot the dog”*


----------



## Mizmo

Naughty or not ..it's up to you...


----------



## Sassycakes

*4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms because their wives are having babies.*
*
A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the 3M Company.”

The nurse tells the third guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the four seasons hotel.”

The last man is freaking out and banging his head against the wall.

The nurse asks him, “What’s wrong? 
Are you okay?”
*
*He replies, “No, I’m screwed! I work for 7UP.”*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Tom 86

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

 A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and
 orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
 corner table. He gets  up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks
 the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your
 grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

 The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
 confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at  the drop
 of a hat.

 The drunk leans on the table again and says:
 "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

 The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker
 still says nothing.

 The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell
 you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

 At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the
 shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................





 "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.


----------



## Tom 86

Little Boy


Upon seeing his father nude for the first time, the little boy says, 'Daddy, how come you're so big down there and I'm so small?'

Father: 'When you grow up, you'll be big, too.'

Boy: 'Is everybody like us?'

Father: 'No, your little sister and your mother are different from us.'

Boy: 'How are they different?'

Father: 'Did you ever see a peach cut in half with the pit taken out?'

Boy: 'Yes.'

Father: 'Well, that's what your little sister looks like.'

Boy: 'What does Mommy look like?'

Father: 'Did you ever see a horse collar with the horse taken out?'


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Paco Dennis

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?"
 The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish.
 The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.
 “What just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch _pianist_?"


----------



## Sassycakes

*Three pregnant women visited a hospital to check the gender of their babies. While chatting in the waiting room, one lady said she’s sure hers is a boy because she was on the bottom during sex.
 The second one went ahead to say that hers will be a girl because she was on top. 
The third one, a blonde remarked ‘‘can’t wait to see my puppies!’’ boy oh boy*


----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Tom 86

Colonoscopy - Written by Dave Barry
So here's the story.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothe s and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. Now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'


----------



## Tom 86

A young couple moved into a new house. 
The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside.
"That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better soap powder. 
Her husband looked on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.
A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"
The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
And so it is with life… What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.
So don’t be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity or unfulfilled desires.
"Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."


----------



## Paco Dennis

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" 
Man: "Yes!" 
Reporter: "Name?" 
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." 
Reporter: "Sex?" 
Man: "Three to five times a week." 
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" 
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." 
Reporter: "Holy cow!" 
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." 
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" 
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." 
Reporter: "Oh dear!"  
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."


----------



## Tom 86

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia  hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee.  You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee  license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee  duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?
“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”


----------



## Marie5656

I have had enough !!!! I'll never help anyone again....... EVER!!!
Either I'm too kindhearted or I'm too stupid...
Yesterday it was so cold, and my heart ran away with me once again. I took a snowman in out of pity. I felt so bad for him, he trembled with cold, poor thing.
But this morning, he had just vanished without a word, not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him. The last straw was when I realized he had peed all over the living room floor. That's the thank you get for being good to people.
Copy and paste to spread some holiday humor!


----------



## win231

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful much-younger gal at his side.  He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said _"There was only $25.00 in your account."_
"I know," said the old man. _"But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"_


----------



## Bretrick

"I keep shouting out Broccoli and Cauliflower."
"I think I might have Florets"


----------



## Bretrick

Just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took the mother in law to the airport


----------



## win231

An accused murderer’s defense attorney was questioning a pathologist who performed the autopsy on his client’s victim.
Lawyer: “Doctor, Before performing the autopsy, did you check the victim for a pulse?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s respiration?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s blood pressure?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, doctor, you never really established that the victim was dead, did you?”
Pathologist: “Well, his brain was in a jar next to the table, but I suppose he could still be out there practicing law.”


----------



## win231

A ventriloquist is doing his show with his dummy on his lap.
He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a blonde woman jumps up & yells: “Hey, what gives you the right to stereotype blondes & what does hair color have to do with my intelligence?”
Just as the ventriloquist starts to apologize, she yells: _“Stay out of this, mister. I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee.”_


Then there was that blonde who bought an AM radio & it took her a month to realize she could use it at night.


----------



## win231

A drunk walks into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, walks over to her & kisses her.
She jumps up & slaps him across the face.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I thought you were my wife. You look just like her.”
_“Get away from me, you drunken slob,_” she yells.
_“Wow,”_ he says. _“You even sound like her.” _


----------



## win231

A woman rubbed a lamp & a genie came out. “Do I get three wishes?” she asked.
“No,” says the genie. “I’m a one-wish genie. What’ll it be?”
The woman says: “See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace.”
The genie says: “They’ve been at war for years.  I’m not _that_ good. Pick something else.”
The woman says: “Well, I’d like to find a good man.  One who’s considerate, loves kids, helps with the housework & doesn’t watch sports all day.” “Okay,” the genie says with a sigh, “Let me see that map again.”


----------



## win231

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt that said _“Guess_” on it.
I don't understand why she got so angry when I said, _“Implants?”_


----------



## win231

Overheard at the supermarket:
"My son was thrown out of school today for having sex with a girl in his class.
 I told him, "Son, that's three schools this year. You better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


----------



## win231

"A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.  As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding.  She took the seat next to his.  Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business.  The Annual Sex Education Convention in Chicago."
"Wow," he thought.  "Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!  Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really!" he said.  "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.  We have, however, found that the best lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you.  I don't even know your name."
_"Tonto Goldstein,”_ he replied. _“But my friends call me Bubba."_


----------



## Sassycakes

*A woman calls her butler into her bedroom, "Charles," she says.*
*"Yes, madam?" answers the butler.
"Charles, take off my dress."
"Yes, madam," he says, and removes the dress.
"Charles, take off my bra."
"Yes, madam," he says, and he takes off her bra.
"Now, Charles, take off my shoes and stockings."
"Yes, madam," he says as he removes her shoes and stockings.*
*"Now," says the woman, "take off my panties. And I'm warning you, Charles: you're going to lose your job if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again."*


----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'*
*His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world  was that?' The old man replied
 it's fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's 
got and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'*
*The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.*


----------



## Tom 86

Blonde Jokes


1. WHY DOES IT TAKE LONGER TO BUILD A BLONDE SNOWMAN AS OPPOSED TO A
REGULAR ONE?
(YOU HAVE TO HOLLOW OUT THE HEAD.)

2. WHY WON'T THEY HIRE BLONDES AS PHARMACISTS?
(THEY KEEP BREAKING THE PRESCRIPTION BOTTLES IN THE TYPEWRITERS.)

3. HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT GOT AN AM RADIO?
(IT TOOK HER A MONTH TO REALIZE SHE COULD PLAY IT IN THE
AFTERNOON.)

4. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLONDE ICE HOCKEY TEAM?
(THEY DROWNED DURING SPRING TRAINING.)

5. WHY DID THE BLONDE SCALE THE CHAIN-LINK FENCE?
(TO SEE WHAT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE)

6. HOW DID THE BLONDE BURN HER NOSE?
(BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES.)

7. WHY DO BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN?
(THEY'RE EASIER TO AMUSE.)

8. WHAT DO YOU CALL 20 BLONDES IN A FREEZER?
(FROSTED FLAKES.)

9. WHY CAN'T BLONDES PUT IN LIGHT BULBS?
(THEY KEEP BREAKING THEM WITH THEIR HAMMERS.)

10. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT SHOT AN ARROW INTO THE AIR?
(SHE MISSED.)

11. WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN A BLONDE BLOWS INTO ANOTHER BLONDE'S EAR?
(DATA TRANSFER.)

12. WHY DID THE BLONDE RESOLVE TO HAVE ONLY THREE CHILDREN?
(BECAUSE SHE READ THAT ONE CHILD OUT OF EVERY FOUR IS BORN
CHINESE.)

13. WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT MAKE-UP ON HER FOREHEAD?
(SHE WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT SHE WAS ABLE TO MAKE UP HER
MIND.)

14. WHY DID THE BLONDE ASK HER FRIENDS TO SAVE THEIR BURNED-OUT LIGHT
BULBS?
(SHE NEEDED THEM FOR THE DARKROOM SHE WAS BUILDING.)

15. WHY ARE ASIANS SO SMART?
(NO BLONDES.)

16. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST ADVANTAGE TO MARRYING BLONDE?
(YOU GET TO PARK IN THE HANDICAPPED ZONE)

A BETTER BLONDE JOKE:
A GROUP OF BLONDES IN A CLASS AT TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY WERE GIVEN THE
ASSIGNMENT TO MEASURE THE HEIGHT OF A FLAGPOLE.
SO THEY WENT OUT TO THE FLAGPOLE WITH LADDERS AND TAPE MEASURES, BUT
THEY FELL OFF THE LADDERS AND DROPPED THE TAPE MEASURES AND PENCILS-THE
WHOLE THING WAS JUST A MESS.

AN ENGINEERING STUDENT COMES ALONG AND SEES WHAT THEY'RE TRYING TO DO.

HE WALKS OVER, PULLS THE FLAGPOLE OUT OF THE GROUND, LAYS IT FLAT,
MEASURES IT FROM END TO END, AND THEN GIVES THE MEASUREMENT TO ONE OF
THE BLONDES AND WALKS AWAY.

AFTER THE ENGINEER HAD GONE, ONE BLONDE TURNED TO ANOTHER AND LAUGHED:
"ISN'T THAT JUST LIKE A DUMB ENGINEER? WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE HEIGHT AND
HE GIVES US THE LENGTH"!


----------



## Tom 86

Consider This...

Fact of the day... 
The country with the most post offices is India with over 152,792, compared with just over 38,000 in the United States.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton. 
A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 
People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more. 
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ... even your heart! 
Only 7% of the population are lefties. 
40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 
Babies are born without knee caps They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old. 
The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 
The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 
The average housefly lives for one month. 
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 
A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. 
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. 
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. 
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. 
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? 
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 
A bus station is where a bus stops
A train station is where a train stops
On my desk I have a work station..... 
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 
Atheism is a nonprophet organization. 
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? 
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 
I must always remember that I am unique... Just like everyone else. 
I think everyone has a photographic memory: its just that some of us are out of film 
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. 
I don't have a solution but I admire your problem.


----------



## Tom 86

A businessman leaves his wife the following letter on the dining room
table:

"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that  I have certain needs
that you with  your 54 years can no longer supply.  I am very happy with
you  and I  value you as a good wife.

Therefore after reading this letter, I hope  that you will not
wrongly  interpret the fact that I will be  spending the evening with my 
18 year  old  secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.  Please don't be 
desturbed  - I shall  be  back home before  midnight."

When the man came home, he  found the following letter on the dining
room table:

"My Dear Husband I received  your letter and thank you for your
honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are 
also 54  years  old.  At the same time I  would like to inform you that 
while you read   this,  I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, 
who, like  your  secretary, is also 18 years  old.

As a successful businessman and  with your excellent knowledge of
Math,  you  will understand that we are in the same situation, although 
with one  small  difference.  18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes 
into 18.

Therefore, I  will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Tom 86




----------



## Sassycakes

*An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.*
*
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers shaves and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."

Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him,*
*turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?" *


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

A drunk naked woman jumped into a taxi and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old driver answered, “Let me tell you something, lady I wasn’t staring at you as you think.”

The drunk woman responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at me, then what are you doing darling?”

He paused a moment, then told her… “Well, M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am thinking to myself, “Where in the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?”


----------



## Sassycakes

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband told me not to call his employer until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, “Would you like me to call the funeral home now?”

With a puzzled look, the nurse quickly said, “Ma’am, he’s not that sick!”


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, who is deaf, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.  When the Godfather confronts Guido about the missing $10 million, he brings his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is.
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him.”
Guido is scared and signs back, "OK. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."


----------



## Bretrick

This is how I got banned from Target

The cashier told me, "Strip down facing me"
By the time I realised they meant the debit card it was too late.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## win231

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?"


----------



## win231

My wife was screaming at me: _“Leave! Get out of this house!”_

As I was walking out of the door, she yelled, _“I hope you die a slow and painful death!”_

I turned around & replied, “So now you want me to stay?”


----------



## win231

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair & sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs & split everything 50/50. The farmers lived 60 miles apart. So they agreed to drive 30 miles each & meet at a field where they let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5:00am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, drove the 30 miles & met the other farmer in the field.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the station wagon again & proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for a week.
One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside & tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon & one of them is honking the horn."


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Sassycakes

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.​*He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And did you bring something home for me?"

"Something, did I forget?" she asks.

"The Italian girl I asked for," he replies jokingly.

"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."*


----------



## Furryanimal




----------



## Sassycakes

*An out-of-breath 7-year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, *
*who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the 
universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”

He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age but thought 
if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. 
He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all 
the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon 
her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, 
as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. *
*His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*One day a boy asked his father, “Dad, what is between mom's legs?” The father reply, “The door to heaven!”*
*“Then what is between yours?” – the boy asked. The father said, “The key to the door!” Then the boy said, *
*“I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.*


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## win231

A man took his 5-year-old son to a horse auction with him. The kid watched with interest as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up & down the horse's legs and chest.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Before I buy horses, I have to make sure they are healthy and in good shape."
The kid, looking worried, said: "Dad......I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


----------



## dseag2

You're on a roll, Win!  Have you been saving these up for this thread?


----------



## win231

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.  After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?” 
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto. 
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does that tell you, Tonto?” 
“You dumber than rocks.  It means someone stole our tent.”


----------



## win231

Everything has a gender:
ZIPLOCK BAGS:    Male, Because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
SHOES:    Male, because they're usually unpolished with their tongues hanging out.
PHOTOCOPIERS:    Female, because once turned off, they take a while to warm up.
TIRES:    Male, because they go bald & are often overinflated.
SPONGES:    Female, because they're soft, squeezable & retain water.
THE SUBWAY:    Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
AN HOURGLASS:    Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS:    Male, because they haven't evolved much but they're handy to have around.
A REMOTE CONTROL:    Female, because it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, & while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on trying.


----------



## dseag2

Sorry in advance to any blondes out there...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."


----------



## win231

A Manager of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning against a wall.
He asks the clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk explained, "Well, he came in this morning to get something for his cough. We're out of cough syrup so I gave him a bottle of laxative & suggested he drink the whole thing."
You idiot!" yells the Manager. "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Of course you can," says the clerk. "Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"


----------



## win231

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London.  One took a window seat & the other sat next to him in the middle seat.  Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes & was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up & get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the American. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe & spat in it several times. When the American returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd like a coke too."
Again, the American obligingly went to get it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up his other shoe & spat in it several times.
When the American returned, they all sat back & enjoyed the flight.  As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened.
_"Why does it have to be this way?"_ he asked.
_"How long must this go on - this fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"_


----------



## win231

John was sitting outside his local pub, enjoying a pint of vodka when a nun appears & starts decrying the evils of drink.
_"You should be ashamed of yourself, young man!  Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" _she says.
John asks, "How do you know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so," replies the nun.
"But have you ever had a drink yourself?"
"Don't be ridiculous.  Of course I have never had a drink."
"Then you can't be sure that what you're saying is right.  I'll tell you what.  Let me buy you a drink.  After you've tried it, if you still believe it is evil I will give up drinking for life."
"I'm a nun.  What will people think if they see me drinking?"
"I'll get the bartender to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The nun reluctantly agrees, so John walks up to the bartender, lowers his voice & says, "Another pint for me & a triple vodka on the rocks & could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Ah," says the bartender. "That nun again?"


----------



## dseag2

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"


----------



## win231

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.  She noticed that the man sitting across from her was staring & smiling at her.
She moved to another seat.
The same man smiled at her even more, so she moved again.
Now the man started chuckling.  She moved to another seat.  Then the man burst out laughing.
After she moved for the 4th time, she complained to the driver & he called the police & they arrested the man for harassment.
When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"
The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, she sat down under a sign that said, _"The Doublemint Twins are Coming,"_ so I smiled.
Then she moved & sat under a sign that said, _"Try Logan's Liniment To Reduce Swelling,"_ & I had to smile.
Then she moved again & sat under a sign for a deodorant ad that said, _"William's Big Stick Did The Trick,"_ & I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time & sat under a sign that said, _"Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident,"........_I just lost it."


----------



## win231

For decades, two statues, one male & one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"Since you've been such exemplary statues, I'm going to give you a special gift.  I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes & during that time, you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
They immediately dashed for the bushes with grins on their faces.  There was lots of giggling & shaking of branches.  Fifteen minutes later, they emerged from the bushes with smiles on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking.
The female statue turned to the male statue & said, "Great! Only this time, _you _hold the pigeon down & _I'll_ poop on its head."


----------



## win231

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband:   My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant:   What is her height?
Husband:   Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:   Weight?
Husband:   Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:   Color of eyes?
Husband:   Never noticed.
Sergeant:   Color of hair?
Husband:   Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant:   What was she wearing?
Husband:   Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant:   What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:   She went in my truck.
Sergeant:   What kind of truck was it?
Husband:   Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant:   Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.


----------



## win231

*The Best Divorce Letter ever!*
My Dear husband:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years &
I have nothing to show for it and the last 2 weeks have
been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today
which was the last straw. Last week, you came home &
you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked
your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching
your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you
don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Wife.
P.S. - _Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to
New Zealand together! Have a great life!_

*REPLY:*
Dear Ex-wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good
woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining. I DID notice when you got a hairdo last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'
Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say
something nice, I didn't comment.....and when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER
because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.
About the new nightie:
I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it,
& I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed
$300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when
I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2
tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you
always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar
from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. _I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem._


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy

A Christmas Story
> 
>  When four of Santa's elves
>  got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
>  as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel
>  the Christmas pressure.
>  Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her
>  Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even
>  more.
>  He went to harness the reindeer,
>  he found that three of them were about to give birth
>  and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven
>  knows where.
>  When he began to load the sleigh,
>  one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the
>  ground and all the toys were scattered.
>  Frustrated, Santa went in the
>  house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.
>  In his frustration, he
>  accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke
>  into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the
>  kitchen floor.
>  He went to get the broom and
>  found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of
>  the broom.
>  Just thenthe doorbell rang, and
>  an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open,
>  and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
>  tree.
>  The angel said very cheerfully,
>  'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
>  lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where
>  would you like me to stick it?'
>  And so began the tradition of the
>  little angel on top of the Christmas tree.  Not a lot
>  of people know
>  this.


----------



## Sassycakes

*No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.*
*
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts 
and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old 
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. 
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. 
There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said We've got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.


The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money 
and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?


Sally said "No"

Jerry said She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile



The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......


*
*The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We're outta here!*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Geezer Garage

A blond is busy cooking and turns around to find the stove engulfed in flames.
She immediately calls the fire dept., and and starts screaming fire, fire. The fireman says, lady calm down, where are you. The blond replys in the kitchen. No says the fireman, how no we get there. Duh! firetruck, says the blond.


----------



## Tom 86

THE DACHSHUND

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.  

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.  

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghani dog.  

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.There was nothing left of his dog at all.  

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."  

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog."


----------



## Tom 86

*A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills ... 

The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it! He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" 

"Well ... you pay ten dollars ... and IF you pass three tests you get all the money!!!" 

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up! "What are the three tests?" 

"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules." So the man give him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar ... "OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do ... 

FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila ... the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE ... and you CAN'T make a face while doing it ... 

SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth ... You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS ... 

THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse ... You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her." 

The man is stunned ... "I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is ..."

The man has a few drinks... then a few more... Finally ... he asks, "WHERRRRE'S ZAAAT TEQUIIIILA?!" 

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp ...Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face ... 

Next ... he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up ... The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside ... 

They hear the pit bull barking ... the guy screaming ... the pit bull yelping... and then SILENCE . 

Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar ... with his shirt ripped ... and large, bloody scratches all over his body ... 

"NOW ........" he says ...... 

"WHERE'S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH???!"*


----------



## Tom 86

The government did a survey on the nations greatest psychologists to see exactly how good they were. 

They were each given 200 drug addicts, 1 sheet of paper, and a pencil. After a few hours they were called back in and asked how they did. Many had made no progress when one stood up and stated he had gotten 50 to stop drugs immediately. In disbelief he was asked how. 

Simple he stated, on one side of the paper I drew a circle and said this is your brain. On the other side I drew a very small circle and said this is your brain on drugs. Immediately 50 stopped using drugs. 

At this time another psychologist stood up and said that's nothing, I got all 200 of my addicts to drop their habits immediately. Then he was asked how. Simple he said, on one side of the paper I drew a circle and said this is your brain. Then on the other side, I drew a really big circle and said this is your butt hole when you go to prison.


----------



## Tom 86

*Fisherman Hubby 

One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.

'What terrible weather today honey,' he said to her.

'Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!'*


----------



## Tom 86

A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.

When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

The child looked up and said, 'Whatcha doin'?'

'Why, the same thing you're doing', replied the uncle.

'Ma's gonna be mad', said the boy. 'The pot's on this side'.


----------



## Tom 86

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,  "that the medication you prescribed has  to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
-----------------------------------------

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"   "Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me ..
your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for
------------------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

--------------------------------------------
How old would you be
if you didn't know how old you are?
----------------------------------------------

When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------

You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.

----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------

Old age is when former classmates are so gray
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A WELL PLANNED LIFE????

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,
Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,
"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the 
difference!"


----------



## Tom 86

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and 
took their drink order.


"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. 

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. 

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. 

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for 
dinner. 

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. 

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. 

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. 

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the 
table  and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy. 

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. 

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy. 

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but 
why have you only ordered  beer all evening?" 


You're gonna LOVE me for this....




The third piggy says - 

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"


----------



## Tom 86

Message
It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum. All the patients were standing out in the courtyard and singing, "Ave Maria", and singing it beautifully.





Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.





A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor. "I am a retired choir director", he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."





"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.





"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"





"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call them the Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam. But I said it was too long and, anyway, none of them were from Siam. Then, another thought The Pencil Leads was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."





"Well," the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"





"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor.


They all


             agreed to


                             call themselves"...


are


you


ready


for


this?...























"THE MORON TAPANAPPLE CHOIR"


----------



## Tom 86

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle, he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins ......


----------



## win231

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed & he was feeling worn out & depressed.  As soon as he arrived home, his wife started yelling at him: _"It's midnight....What have you been doing all night......? Where the hell have you been.....? Dinner is cold & I'm not reheating it....!" _
Too tired to argue with her, he poured himself a drink & went to take a shower. His wife followed him to the bathroom, continuing to yell at him. While he was in the shower, the phone rang. It was her husband's office & she was given a message for her husband - that his client, James Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go into the bathroom to give him the good news. When she opened the bathroom door, her husband had just stepped out of the shower & was drying himself off. 
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around & screamed, _"Dammit woman....don't you ever stop?"_


----------



## Sassycakes

*A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a rolling bed by the nurse and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room, the nurse leaves the young girl behind the surgery room door to go in and check whether everything is ready.*
*A young man wearing a white coat approaches takes the sheet away and starts examining the patient's naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.
When a third man starts examining her body so close yet again, the girl grows impatient and says, "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"*
*The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders. "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to see a gynecologist. The doctor took one good look at this woman, and his professionalism was a thing of the past. Right away, he told her to undress.*
*After she has disrobed, he began to stroke her thigh. As he did, he said to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she said. "You are checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "Correct." said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," said the woman. "You are checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replied the doctor. He then gradually proceeded to have ****** intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I'm doing now?"*
*"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*custody battle
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy,
but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge
that since she had brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children,
so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: 
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine,
 and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me
or to the machine?





DON'T LAUGH . . . HE WON!*


----------



## win231

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.
In an equally loud voice, he replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT SEX CHANGE SURGERY.  BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”


----------



## win231

An 86-year-old man was having his annual checkup.  He bragged to the doctor: "Hey, doc. I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. How 'bout that?"
The doctor thought for a moment & said, "Let me tell you a story.  I knew a guy who was a skilled hunter but one day he left home in a hurry & accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his rifle.  Later that day, he came face-to-face with a huge Grizzly Bear.  He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear & squeezed the handle.  And the bear immediately fell to the ground & died.
"That's impossible," said the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," said the doctor.


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Bretrick

A man walks into a Zoo. The only animal there was a dog.
It was a Shitzu


----------



## Paco Dennis

Misa sent me this web page of 100 Dark Humor jokes this morning....I laughed at these in the first 25...

_"A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”_"

https://parade.com/1295709/marynliles/dark-humor-jokes/


----------



## RadishRose




----------



## Sassycakes

*The sailor came home from a secret two-year mission only to find his wife with a newborn baby.*
*
Furious, he was determined to track down the father to exact revenge.

“Was it my friend Sam”, he demanded.

“No !” his weeping wife replied.

“Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked.

“NO !!!” she said even more upset.

“Well which one of my no good friends did this then?” he asked.
*
*“Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she yelled!*


----------



## Sassycakes

* A talk about Sex
*
*A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, “At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.”
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.
When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went, and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said.
“Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,” his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.

The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, “I heard my husband had to make a speech last night.
How did it go?”
His mate said smiling, ‘Oh, it was excellent!
Your husband is clearly very experienced!.”*
*The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, “Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick.”*


----------



## katlupe




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Tom 86

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle, he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins ......


----------



## Tom 86

*Twenty Differences between Fishing and Sex

 #20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

 #19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

 #18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

 #17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you
          once in a while.

 #16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

  #15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't
            have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

 #14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with
            long ago.

 #13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

 #12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel
 guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

 #11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object
           if you Fish with someone else.

 #10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by
           yourself.

 #9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are
         really an undercover cop.

 #8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy
        Fishing stuff.

 #7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell
         Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting
         sued for Fishing harassment.

 #6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

 #5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to
        subscribe to the Playboy channel.

 #4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your
        life.

 #3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest
         in it.

 #2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy
         your favorite activity.

 #1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last
        week!  Is Fishing all you ever think about?!*


----------



## Tom 86

MY FIRST TIME....

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret. 
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I. 
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do. 
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine. 
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast. 
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart. 
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came. 
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever



At milking a cow... 



  NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS AND GET BACK TO WORK..


----------



## Tom 86

Snake warning!!!


Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes
(Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous.  Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.  Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of
potted plants.  During  a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass
snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and  the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.  About th at time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the  behind.  He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and  fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and  loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in  the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.  Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in betwee n the cushions, where  she felt the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and fainted, the  snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake.  She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that  a drunken fight had occurred.  They were about to arrest them all,   when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little  green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one  of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.  He missed the snake  and hit the leg of the end table.  The table fell over, the lamp on  it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through  he window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by neighbors who called in the fire department.  The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wi res and put out the power and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed!  Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house  was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and  all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.  The wife asked her husband if he thought  they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her


----------



## Tom 86

Proud To Be White 

Someone finally said it. 

How many are actually paying attention to this? 

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, 

Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc. 

And then there are just Americans. 

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. 

You Call me "White boy," "Cracker," "Honkey," 

"Whitey," "Caveman" .. and that's OK. 

But when I call you, ******, Kike, Towel head, Sand-******, 

camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ... you call me a racist 

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, 

so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live? 

You have the United ***** College Fund. You have Martin Luther King 

Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You 

have Yom Hashoah You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi You have the NAACP. 

You have BET. 


If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) . we'd be racists. 

If we had a White Pride Day .. you would call us racists. 

If we had White History Month . we'd be racists. 

If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" OUR lives .. 

we'd be racists. 

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of 

Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. 

Wonder who pays for that? 

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships 

.... you know we'd be racists. There are over 60 openly proclaimed 

Black Colleges in the US , yet if there were "White colleges" .

THAT would be a racist college. 

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching 

for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, 

you would call us racists. 

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're 

not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride . 

you call us racists. 


You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer 

shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running 

from the law and posing a threat to society . you call him a racist. 

I am proud. 

But, you call me a racist. 

Why is it that only whites can be racists? 

There is nothing improper about this e-mail. 

Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on.


----------



## Tom 86

The Lone Ranger 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Lone Ranger was captured by an enemy Indian war party. The chief proclaims "So you are the great Lone Ranger. I will execute you in three days but before I do, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone ranger says "I'd like to speak to my horse"

The chief nods, and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear.
Silver then gallops off and returns an hour later with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. 
The blonde enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night there. Next morning the Indian chief
admits he is impressed "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I am still going to kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought before him and he again whispers in his ear. Silver gallops across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
That evening, to the chief's surprise, Silver returns with a brunette even more beautiful than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night with him.

The following morning the chief is again impressed "You are indeed a brave man of many talents, with a very clever horse, but tomorrow you die. What is your last request?" the Lone Ranger says
"I want to speak to my horse.................alone" The chief is curious, but agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they are alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye, and says loudly "Listen very carefully you deaf old dumb ass horse......................

.............. For the last time........Bring possee !!!"


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Furryanimal




----------



## win231

An old farmer went into town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
"That's my pet rooster, Chucky.  Whever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The farmer went around the corner & stuffed the bird in his pants.  He bought a ticket, entered the theater & sat down next to two old widows, Mildred & Marge. The movie started & the rooster began to squirm. The farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out.
"Hey Marge," whispered Mildred. I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants & he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."
"You're right," said Mildred. "But this one's eatin' my popcorn."


----------



## Greenie

Don't  wash your hair in the shower!!!

It's  so good to finally get a health warning that is  useful!!!

INVOLVES  THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU  SHOWER WITH IT


WARNING  TO US ALL!!!

I  don't know WHY I didn't figure this out  sooner!


I  use shampoo in the shower!

When  I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and  printed very

clearly  on the shampoo label is this  warning,

"FOR  EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No  wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well!  I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start  showering

with  Dawn dish washing soap instead.


----------



## Tom 86

A woman goes into a bar and sees a handsome cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

She can't stop staring because the cowboy has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks him if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy winks and says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" 

The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. 

The next day she walks into the bar and hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing, he says, "I'm flattered, ma'am, nobody has ever paid me for my services before,"

To this the woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit!"


----------



## Tom 86

COWBOYS 

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down
next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real
cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking
colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences,
pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning
my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and
feeding my  dogs, so I  guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.  As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found
out I'm a lesbian."


----------



## Tom 86

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the Univ. of Alabama and I need some help.  If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"  The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Alabama women.
  __________________________________________________________________

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  that night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter.  "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
  __________________________________________

Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Alabama was overhead saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama."  When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
   _________________________________________________________________

The young Alabama man came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"  Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"  The young Alabamian answered.  "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
   ____________________________________________________

NEWS FLASH- Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Alabama students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.  Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.  The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
 _______________________________________

 An Alabama State Trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.  The  trooper asked "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
   ____________________________________________

An Alabama man had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.  Ten he got back in the car to wait.  A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.  He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, " I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back!  I never did understand it either."


----------



## Tom 86

WAL MART AND THE RETIRED

Mr. and Mrs.  Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband
go with her to Wal Mart, but he gets bored with all the shopping 
trips.
He prefers to get in and  get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.
Here's a letter sent to the  Mrs.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has  been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior  and may ban
both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on  our
video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr Fenton  are
listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was  shopping in
Wal Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and  randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July  2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute  intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading  to the
restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in  an official
tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what  happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag  of
M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET  FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the  camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll  bring pillows from the
bedding department.

8. September 23: When a  clerk asks if they can help him, he begins
to cry and asks, 'Why can't you  people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security  camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10:  While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows  where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store  suspiciously loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12.  December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look" using  different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when  people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal  position and screams "NO ! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"

And last,  but not least ....

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the  door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in  here!"

Regards,
Wal Mart


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Paco Dennis

Dark................


----------



## Furryanimal

Hell Freezes Over-this is a supposedly genuine answer in a University of Washington exam..
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell Breaks Loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell Freezes Over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Tasha during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Tasha kept shouting "Oh, my God!"

The student received the only "A" in the class


----------



## win231

_A man tells a priest:_ "Father, I want to make a confession. During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

_Priest:_ "Bless you, my son. That's not a sin; don’t you realize you saved his life?”

_Man:_ "But I charged him rent."

_Priest:_ "Well, that wasn't very nice, but you still helped your fellow man."

_Man: _ "Father, do I have to tell him the war is over?"


----------



## win231

A married woman is cheating on her husband but she doesn’t know that her 6 yr-old son is hiding in the closet, watching. 

Suddenly the front door opens & the wife says: _“Oh, no, my husband came home early; you better hide in the closet.”_  He grabs his clothes & runs into the closet.  Just as he closes the closet door, he hears a little voice next to him: _“It’s dark in here.”_

The boyfriend says: _“Shhhh...your father is out there & if he sees me, he’ll kill me.”_

The kid says: _“It’s dark in here.” _

The boyfriend says: _“Look, I’ll give you $10.00, just be quiet.”
_
The kid says a little louder:_ “It’s dark in here.” _

The boyfriend says: _“Here’s $50.00, just be quiet.”_ The kid says “OK” & takes the money. Later, the boyfriend runs out the back door.

The next day, the father is about to go shopping & his kid says: “Daddy, I want to go with you.” At the store, the kid sees a bicycle he really wants & says: _“Daddy, can I have that bicycle?”_

The father says: “I’m sorry, son, it cost $50.00 & I can’t afford it, maybe we’ll get it for Christmas.

The kid takes the $50.00 out of his pocket & says:_ “Here’s $50.00, daddy; buy the bike."
_
The father says:_ “Where did you get that money?”_

The kid says: _“I can’t tell you.”_

The father says: _“You better tell me!”_

The kid says: _“No, I’ll never, ever tell you!”_

The father takes the kid to a church next door & tells the priest: “I want to know where my son got $50.00.”

The priest takes the kid into the confession booth & slides the door shut.

The kid says: _“It’s dark in here.”_

The priest says: _“Don’t you start that crap again!”_


----------



## Paco Dennis

The perfect crime was committed last night.
Someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. Police say they have nothing to go on.


----------



## Sassycakes

*Honeymoon*
*A man and a woman get married and are on their honeymoon.
The woman walks out of the bathroom in a robe, the man says take off
your robe we're married now. The woman says ok and takes off her robe.
Then the man asks if he can take a picture of her and she asks why and the
man says "So I can carry you with me."
A few hours later the man comes out of the bathroom in a robe.
The woman says take off your robe were married now.
The man says ok and takes off his robe. The woman asks if she can take a picture
and the man askes why and the woman says*
*"So I can have it enlarged!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet *
*with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 
3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. 
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" 
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, 
but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" 
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. 
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." 
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." 
The Godfather pulls out a 9-millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, 
cocks the trigger, and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, 
"OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" 
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, *
*"He says...go to hell... ...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger *


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Geezer Garage

A horse walks into a bar, and says to the bartender, make me a Manhattan up. The bartender comes back with the horses drink, looks at him and says, why the long face. Mike


----------



## Sassycakes

*Life After Marriage*
*Daniel and Jessica, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon. 
When they got back, Jessica immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 
'How was the honeymoon, dearest?' 'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. 
So romantic...' Then Jessica burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we 
returned home Daniel started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never 
heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come to get me and take me home.... 
Please Ma.' 'Calm down, Jessica!,' said her mother, 
'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?' Still sobbing, Jessica whispered, *

*'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Paul, an accomplished juggler was driving to his next performance in Baltimore when he is stopped by the Highway** patrol. 'What are these
matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?' enquires the cop.
'I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act,' announces
Paul amiably. 'Oh yeah?' says the doubtful cop. 'Let's see you do it then.'
Sighing, Paul the juggler climbs out of his motor and starts juggling the
blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch.*
*'Wow,' says the driver to his wife. 'I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now.'*


----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Patch

Going out to eat at an upscale restaurant, we noticed our waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.  Curiosity got the best of us so I asked him the reason for the spoon.  The waiter said corporate had hired an efficiency consultant to find ways employees could save the company money.

"The consultant found spoons are the most dropped piece of silverware by diners.  Spoons are dropped on the floor approximately 17% more often than the other items of silver.  If we have a replacement spoon in our shirt pocket, we don't have to walk back to the kitchen and return with a clean spoon.  Saves lots of employee costs over time."

A little later, we noticed the same waiter had a string hanging from his pants zipper.  So, still curious, I inquired about the string.  

"The same consultant suggested all male waiters tie a string to the end of their male genitalia.  When we have to use the restroom, we can pull it out with the string... never touching it.  Therefore, we don't have to take time to wash our hands before returning to the restaurant floor.  Saves substantial employee time."

I had to ask, "If you don't touch it by using the string to remove it from you pants, how do you return it inside the pants without touching it?"

"We use the spoon!"


----------



## Sassycakes

*A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"*
*"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."

*
*"Not if you're going to watch TV, there ain't," she replied.*


----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Sassycakes

*This girl walks into the doctor's office to get her breasts checked and the doctor sees a big 'S' on her body. "What is that from?" the doctor queries.*
*"My lover goes to Stanford and even when he is making love he wears his Stanford sweatshirt."
Soon after, another girl walks in to get her breasts checked and the doctor notices a big 'Y' on her body. "What's that from?" he asked. "My lover goes to Yale and he loves it so much that he wears his sweatshirt even when we make love."
Another girl walks in and a big 'M' is on her chest. "Let me guess, your lover goes to Michigan," the doctor said.*
*The third girl replied, "No, but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."*


----------



## Patch

My doctor gave me one year to live.  I shot him.  The judge gave me 15 years.  Problem solved!!

What do you call a cheap circumcision?  A rip off!

My wife is really upset that I have no sense of direction.  She packed up her stuff and right.  

I was digging in my back yard and found a chest full of gold coins.  Was going to head into the house and tell my wife.  Then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

What's the difference between having a Lamborghini and a dead body in your garage.  I don't have a Lamborghini in mine.


----------



## Gary O'

Been around---but it's a new year



I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.


----------



## Sachet

By now, I figure Bon Novi must be at least 3/4 of the way there.


----------



## Sachet

Sachet said:


> By now, I figure Bon Novi must be at least 3/4 of the way there.


*Jovi


----------



## Sassycakes

*The Perfect Man *
*A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. 
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan" 
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right 
all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that 
to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds 
over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could 
have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera 
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. 
He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." 
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. 
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them . 
with. 
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out
But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." 
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. 
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake, 
and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer 
her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, 
shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. 
No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. 
How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Ryan. *
*He died. I'm going to marry his widow next week."*


----------



## Paco Dennis

A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?" The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away." "Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?" "No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."


----------



## OneEyedDiva




----------



## jerry old

Really cute post Diva


----------



## Gardenlover

Never trust atoms. 


They make up everything.


----------



## OneEyedDiva




----------



## OneEyedDiva




----------



## Sassycakes

*Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.*
*One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, 
and continued smoking.
First Lady: What's that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore 
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely 
(she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.*
*Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel*


----------



## Sassycakes

* “Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone, “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”*
*“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed, “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”*
*“Oh crap!” the physician roared, “That means we’ve all got it!”*


----------



## Paco Dennis

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you use to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”


----------



## Sassycakes

*Mick phoned his wife and said,*
*“Colleen, I’m just setting off from work; do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?”

His question was met with stony silence. *
*She may still regret letting him name the kids.*


----------



## dseag2

Sassycakes said:


> *Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.*
> *One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette,
> and continued smoking.
> First Lady: What's that?
> Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
> First Lady: Where did you get it?
> Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore.
> The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore
> and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
> The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely
> (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.*
> *Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel*


@Sassycakes, your irreverent jokes are absolutely the best!


----------



## Chris P Bacon

I joined all of my watches together and made them into a belt.
It seemed like a good idea at the moment but as it turns out,
it was really just a waist of time! (Your laugh or groan goes here.)


----------



## Paco Dennis

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses throws his staff down, throws his arms up and the sea parts, it was beautiful. So Jesus says to Moses "it's been a long time since I've walked on the water let me see if I still have it in me". Jesus walks out onto the water and sinks, he comes back up discouraged but Moses tells him it's been a long time and to give it another go. Jesus walks back out onto the waters and sinks again he comes back up and says "I know what the problem is last time I did this I didn't have these damn holes in my feet".


----------



## Sassycakes

*A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. 
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. 
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. 
After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A Blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic.*
*
All of a sudden there's a loud bang. 
The pilot announces over the intercom 
“I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. 
We'll be delayed 45 minutes.”

Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks 
on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.

Shortly thereafter, there is a third bang and the pilot announces 
that they'll be delayed 3 hours.

The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, *
*“Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.”*


----------



## bowmore

Sassycakes said:


> *Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.*
> *One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette,
> and continued smoking.
> First Lady: What's that?
> Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
> First Lady: Where did you get it?
> Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore.
> The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore
> and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
> The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely
> (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.*
> *Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel*


True story: Some time after I told my wife that joke and she groaned, I went to the drugstore, bought a small pack of condoms, downloaded a picture of a camel and pasted it on the package, and showed it to my wife.


----------



## Sassycakes

*Men are like...*
*Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Government Bonds. They take way too long to mature.
Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Weather. Nothing can be done to change either.*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## MickaC




----------



## Sassycakes

*                              BIOLOGY EXAM:*
*This is straight from Scotland.  Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is the perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.*


*He got an A+.*


----------



## Chris P Bacon

Recent surveys have shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy!


----------



## Sassycakes

_*Annoyed by the professor of anatomy*_
_*who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group 
of female students decided that the next time he started 
to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. 
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class 
the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture,
 he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." 
The girls looked at one another, arose, and started for the door. 
"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't *_
*leave till tomorrow afternoon.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day.
 She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 
3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, 
you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
*
*"Nah, you're ugly"*


----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Sassycakes

*This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.*
*A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground, and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!”*


----------



## Furryanimal

Little Tommy and Grandpa were sitting on the sofa watching TV when Tommy abruptly said “Grandpa can you make a sound like a Frog”? Grandpa, confused asked Tommy what he meant. Tommy repeated the question and again Grandpa asked him why. Then Tommy told Grandpa that last night I heard Mommy tell Daddy that when you finally croak we’ll all be rich!!


----------



## Paco Dennis

A tree walks into a bar. Bartender says, “I think you’d better leave.” The tree doesn't leave so the bartender says, "You must take me for a sap!" Tree says, "Stop your barking and pour me a logger."


----------



## Chris P Bacon

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.​ 
When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.


----------



## Chris P Bacon

5 years ago, I messaged a random person on Facebook, asking for a date.
Today, I asked them to marry me. They said no both times.


----------



## Furryanimal




----------



## Paco Dennis

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a                gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the  doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The  doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart  murmur. Be careful.'"..ooh!


----------



## Furryanimal

I've just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi. 
It's brilliant and great value for money, as it came with Aldi King's horses and Aldi King's men


----------



## Chris P Bacon

I found a used football in a second hand store...​ 
I picked it up and took it to the counter.

"How much is this?" I asked

"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"

"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.

So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.

"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".

"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".

He looked up and said "Sorry. Inflation".


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## win231

It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus. She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.
Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.
A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.
She turned around & slapped him across the face & screamed: _"How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!"_
The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."


----------



## Sassycakes

*  For a moment, I had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'*
*This Valentines Day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"*
*Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."*


----------



## Furryanimal

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.


----------



## Sassycakes

* John** asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.*
*“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.


She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”

Then John totally Frustrated finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
*

*“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
*
*John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”*


----------



## Chris P Bacon

I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"                                    
Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."


----------



## Chris P Bacon

I asked my grand-daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. 
She told me that newspapers are old school. 
She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. 
That fly didn’t stand a chance!


----------



## JonSR77

Question:  "Why do bagpipers walk while they play?"

Answer:  "They are trying to get away from the noise."


----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Bretrick

Silly Dad joke?​I got hit in the head with a can of Coke.
Don't worry, it did not hurt because it was a soft drink


----------



## Bretrick

Simple joke time​Daughter to Mother
"Mum, did you want a Daughter or a Son"?
Mum to Daughter
"I wanted a back rub"


----------



## Sassycakes

Mr Sine and Miss Cosine go on their honeymoon..​Mr Sine and Miss Cosine get married and head for their honeymoon to a seaside destination. So they're chilling by the beach, and sipping on their drinks, and things get naughty soon. During a lovemaking session on the beach, Sine whispers into Cosine's ear, "It's a good thing I'm not on top, or we'd both be


----------



## Chris P Bacon

President Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Putin.

"Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19-year-old and 21-year-old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Putin.

The driver replies, "That I'm president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig."


----------



## Sassycakes

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, 
  Ker-plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the ever-so-polite bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, 
 and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, 
and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but, by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, 
"Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold,
 you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."


----------



## Sassycakes

* A criminal lawyer tells the defendant, “I have some good news and some bad news.”*
*“What’s the bad news?” asks the defendant.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”*
*“Your cholesterol is 130.”*


----------



## JonSR77

Sassycakes said:


> One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell,
> Ker-plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.
> "Oh, please excuse me!" said the ever-so-polite bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see."
> "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too,
> and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
> "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
> So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears,
> and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.
> Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but, by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?"
> And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said,
> "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold,
> you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."



If folks like lawyer jokes...this is a decent collection:

http://www.iciclesoftware.com/LawJokes/IcicleLawJokes.html#QandA

here's one from that collection:


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.


----------



## JonSR77

Sassycakes said:


> * A criminal lawyer tells the defendant, “I have some good news and some bad news.”*
> *“What’s the bad news?” asks the defendant.
> “The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
> “What’s the good news?”*
> *“Your cholesterol is 130.”*



Good one!


----------



## JonSR77

This one is a good set of stand-up, from Soprano's actor Frank Santorelli (he played Georgie, the bartender at the Bada Bing)


Frank Santorelli - Godfathers of Comedy


----------



## Sassycakes

Sassycakes said:


> * A criminal lawyer tells the defendant, “I have some good news and some bad news.”*
> *“What’s the bad news?” asks the defendant.
> “The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
> “What’s the good news?”*
> *“Your cholesterol is 130.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.*
*One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth.
The girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

Why, that’s awfully nice of them.
I think I’ll get some for myself, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry.”
‎*


----------



## JonSR77

Maria Bamford Hates to Cook, but Loves Paula Deen...


----------



## JonSR77

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

In Flames and Inflamed …
A man was sent to hell for his sins.
As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment,
he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.
“What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that
lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”


----------



## Sassycakes

A couple of newlyweds were on their honeymoon and moments before the passionate lovemaking commenced, the wife says to the husband, "Please, be gentle, I'm still a virgin."​
*The husband was shocked and replied, "How's this possible? You've been married *three* times before!"
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, *god*, I miss him!"
*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterward, she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."


----------



## JonSR77

A guy is in a hotel bar.

A gorgeous woman walks up to him, clearly a "lady of the evening."

She whispers in his ear, "I will do anything you want, ANYTHING, for only $200, if you can just say it in three words."

The man pauses, thinks a moment and says, "Paint my house..."


----------



## Sassycakes

*A man is in court. The judge says, "on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"*​*"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point, a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point, the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next-door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!*


----------



## Sassycakes

*              Boob Hanging Out *
*A blonde was walking down the street. 
A policeman was walking the opposite way. "Hmmm," he wondered, 
"It looks as if that lady's right breast is hanging out of her bikini top." 
As he got closer, he realized it was. He approached her. He said, "Ma'am, do you understand your *
*right breast is hanging out of your bikini?" She replied, "Oh crap, I left the baby on the bus!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*The National Poetry Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu”*
*
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He confidently stepped to the microphone and said:

“Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu.”

The crowd went crazy. No way could the redneck top this, they thought.

The redneck, with sweat, rolled down his face, made his way to the microphone and said:

“A friend and I a hunting went,
We spied three maidens in a tent,
They being three, we being two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”
*
*The redneck went to the finals.*


----------



## Furryanimal

I find as I get older I only need 3 shops in my life, Specsavers, Boots and Greggs. My life is all specs and drugs and sausage rolls


----------



## charry




----------



## Sassycakes

*                             A naughty child*
*A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York.
At last one man could stand it no longer.
"Hey kid," he shouted.*
*"Why don't you go outside and play*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  Little Johnny and his ball.*
*Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, 
the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs 
and my ball got away and into your closet, 
and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took
 off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed,
 and the lady next door got on top of the daddy and started...". 
The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. 
You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him 
everything you just told me." Couple of hours later the father
 arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and 
child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across
 the face shouting "I'm leaving you...
 Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.
" Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. 
"Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball 
upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, 
and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady 
next door and you both started hugging and kissing and 
the lady next door took off your clothes and you took 
off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both 
got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of
 you and started doing the same thing mom did with*
* Uncle Joe last summer."*


----------



## charry




----------



## charry




----------



## Pappy




----------



## squatting dog




----------



## charry




----------



## Sassycakes

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, 
but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, 
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to his office, he regretted what he had promised, deciding that 
the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for the rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment 
I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check 
for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!


----------



## Sassycakes

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She also tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud, "What about extreme ****** exhaustion?"  The entire class has all it can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to stifle its laughter and snickering.  When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with your other hand then."


----------



## squatting dog

Sassycakes said:


> A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She also tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud, "What about extreme ****** exhaustion?"  The entire class has all it can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to stifle its laughter and snickering.  When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with your other hand then."


----------



## squatting dog




----------



## Sassycakes

*A** guy loses his job, all his money has gone, all hope is lost and he’s walking miserably towards the dole line, wondering if there’s anybody who could help him. Suddenly there’s thunder and lightning and a scary, blood-covered demon appears in front of him.

He walks over to the man and in a rasping voice whispers in his ear, “I have heard your pleas. I’m ready to give you a million bucks. But you have to agree to give me your wife.”
*
*“OK,” says the guy, “now where’s the catch?”*


----------



## Sassycakes

A Child Didn't Attend School​*Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"*


----------



## Pappy

An oldie.

Two men walk into their local unemployment office after both being laid-off. The first man approaches the counter and is greeted by a friendly staff member.
"I'd like to collect unemployment payments please" he says."Not a problem sir," the teller asks "What was your last profession?""I made panty hose" he responds."Ok, the staffer says, "your check will be $300. Next!"The first man steps away from the counter eyeing his check. His friend steps up, "I'd like to collect unemployment payments please""Alright sir," the teller asks " and what was your last profession?""Diesel Fitter" he remarks."Right, that's a specialty occupation, your check will be $800"The first man overhears this and jumps in, "Hey! How come I get 300 stinkin' bucks and he gets 800"The teller say professionally "Sir, this man had a special skill""Special Skill my butt! I sew the two halves of the panty hose together and give them to him."The staffer looks betrayed and asks the second man, "Sir you said you were a Diesel Fitter.""I am!" he says, "He gives me the panty hose, I put em on me head and say "Deez'll Fit 'er!"


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*Dirty Old Man Joke* 
*An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
*
*The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word, or two?'
*


----------



## Sassycakes

*                      Anniversary Party*
*Ole and Lena were celebrating their twenty-fifth anniversary. After the guests left, Lena looked at Ole and punched him real hard in the shoulder. “That’s for twenty-five years of bad sex.”
*
*Ole thinks about it and then reaches over and Punches Lena hard in her shoulder, “That’s for knowing the difference!”*


----------



## JonSR77

Chuch Norris Jokes...

some examples:

Chuck Norris Jokes​
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light


https://parade.com/968666/parade/chuck-norris-jokes/


----------



## Sassycakes

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of these things.


----------



## Bretrick

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said... "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."


----------



## Bretrick

A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3:00 am.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us push the car? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too, you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing"


----------



## Bretrick

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.
He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and said , "To draw out all his money "


----------



## Bretrick

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Intrigued and impressed, the woman asked for his business card; three weeks later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.


----------



## Bretrick

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day on a motorcycle...
The guards, especially Officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. No matter what they did, they could never find what she was smuggling.
Dogs sniffed and couldn’t find anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep and even disassembling the motorcycle didn’t give a clue as to what she was smuggling.
Many years later, on his last day at the job, Officer Johnson saw the old lady crossing, so he decided to ask her.
He approached her and said, "I know you are smuggling something. I’m retiring today and I beg you to tell me what you are smuggling. I will not charge you.”
The old lady, with compassion, asked "Are you seriously saying you are not going to charge me with anything if I tell you?"
He replied "No I certainly won’t charge you with anything so what are you smuggling?"

"Motorcycles", she said.


----------



## Bretrick

A man and a woman went for a walk
She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"
I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knOW when the ewe is ready for sex?"
I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.
My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"
I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."

After the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.
She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19."

Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.

She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."


----------



## Sassycakes

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch TV, there ain't," she replied.


----------



## Chris P Bacon

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."


----------



## win231

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."


----------



## Bretrick

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." 
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. 
The priest said, "You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word. 
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!"


----------



## Bretrick

My wife Denise and I walked past a new swanky restaurant in town last night.
Denise said, “Did you smell that food, it smells absolutely incredible.”
I thought, What the heck, I will treat her.
So we walked past it again.


----------



## Bretrick

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’

‘Don’t worry,’ John said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, ‘Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?
”Yes, I do.’ Said Keith.

‘Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’

‘Well, um, yes!,’ Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’

‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’

Keith’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.’ Why do you ask?’

‘She just died and left me everything.’


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Marie5656




----------



## Sassycakes

*An old woman is sitting on her porch when a genie appears*
*"You get one wish" She is straight to the point. 
 The woman thinks about it but she is content with her life. 
Just that moment her cat strolls by. With a mischievous smile, she 
tells the genie she wants her cat turned into a handsome man. 
"Done," the genie says and vanishes. And true to her word instead of a cat 
there is a really good looking man standing on the porch
The woman gives him an appreciative look and he smiles, *
*leans in and whispers in her ear "I bet you wish now you haven't had me neutered."*


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## squatting dog




----------



## RadishRose

Scientists recently discovered a new dinosaur that was very intelligent​
They named it Thesaurus


----------



## RadishRose

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.​
Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.

Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?

Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.


----------



## RadishRose

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.​
Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.


----------



## Sassycakes

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he
appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third
 consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again. Where are you from?"
he handed Natalie the money and up to the room, they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."


----------



## JonSR77

75 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

and here's one:

*"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."*

https://quotes.thefamouspeople.com/rodney-dangerfield-2736.php


----------



## Pinky

Jon, you post the best jokes! Love Rodney Dangerfield!

"A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."


----------



## JonSR77

Pinky said:


> Jon, you post the best jokes! Love Rodney Dangerfield!
> 
> "A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."


My friend Jim submitted some jokes to Rodney.  Rodney loved them, but his wife did not like them at all, so Rodney took a pass.

He did an ENORMOUS amount to help other comedians. And was incredibly respected.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Paco Dennis

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.​

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more.
The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine. I just quit drinking."


----------



## Sassycakes

*An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money*…
*The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said,
“I would like to withdraw $500.”
The female teller told her,
“For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her,
“These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent.
But she returned the card to the teller and said,
“Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down, and said to the old lady,
“My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked,
“How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*

  Little Johnny and his family often traveled to visit his grandmother for meals during the holiday season 
and special events Easter Sunday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.


One day, Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do” his mother insisted.
“We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained.*
_*“But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook."*_


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## JonSR77

One-liners by Abraham Lincoln...

https://thelogcabinsage.com/lincolns-shorts-10-one-liners-by-abraham-lincoln/


----------



## Mizmo

....Irish giggle


----------



## Ken N Tx




----------



## JonSR77

Ken N Tx said:


> View attachment 216669


Good one!  Thanks


----------



## JonSR77

I used to live next to this very tough guy.  Ex- military, ex-police and even ex-bounty hunter.  When I was living there he was a corporate security guy.  He loved to bust my chops.  But, by the way, a very very nice guy.  Completely devoted to his mom.  Lived with his mom.  Devotion to his mother, like from a different generation.  Incredible bond of love.

Anyway, he used to bust my chops.

One day, he said to me, "Jon, if you are driving somewhere...take a car...."


----------



## Bretrick

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes!' he replied. 'She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!'


----------



## Sassycakes

*A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to *
*celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, 
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. 
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt 
an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below 
us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"*
*Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"*


----------



## JonSR77

Some Henny Youngman One-Liners...

includes:

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/henny-youngman-quotes


----------



## Sassycakes

*Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100-year-old twins.*
*
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
*
*With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY - BOTH OF US?"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.*

*The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not you cannot have any cyanide!"


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now **You never said you had a prescription."*


----------



## Mizmo

oldie
INNER PEACE


----------



## JonSR77

You are in a room with Hitler, Stalin and a Politician.  You have a gun with only two bullets.  What do you do?

Answer:  Shoot the politician twice.


----------



## JonSR77

Ok, who wants to hear the world's worst Abraham Lincoln joke?

ready?

So, after President Lincoln was shot, the manager of the Ford's Theater, came up to the First Lady, Mrs. Lincoln and asked, "Ma'am....aside from THAT...uh, um...well, what did ya think of the play? 

++++++++++++++++

Personally, I thought it would have been amazing, if Lincoln's last words were an incredible practical joke and he just uttered..."Mary did it...it was her...that gal just hated my guts..."

or, if, you know...Mary WAS actually the one who hired Booth.  "You leave your dirty disgusting boots everywhere!  I hate you!  You'll see, Mr. Tall Man, Mr. Big Shot, I know people...."


----------



## Victor

There was a robbery at the art museum. The burglar got away with the Monet but could not make his van gogh


----------



## Sassycakes

* Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight. *
*When Grandpa found a bottle of ****** in his grandson's medicine cabinet, 
he asked about using one of the pills. The grandson said, "I don't think you should take one. 
They're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," he replied. 
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, 
I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, 
the grandson found $110 under his pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. *
*"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma*!"


----------



## Sassycakes

*  A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.*
*His young son said, I have no naughty books!

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, When I was your age, I didn't have such books!

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, Oh, you are truly father and son!
*
*The machine quickly hit her.*


----------



## Pappy

Bert age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them & wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen & said to his wife, " Notice anything different about me?".
Margaret, age 75, looked him over.
" NOPE ".
Frustrated, Bert stormed into the bathroom, undressed & walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, " Notice anything different now? ".
Margaret looked up & said in her best deadpan, " Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow ".
Furious, Bert yelled, " And do you know  why it's hanging down, Margaret?".
" Nope. Not a clue ", she replied.
" It's hanging down, because It's looking at my new boots!!!".
Without missing a beat Margaret replied,
" SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT, BERT!
SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT!!.


----------



## Sassycakes

*
Wife was too skinny

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*BABY’S FIRST DOCTOR VISIT

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight,
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed
or bottle-fed. ‘Breast-fed, ‘ she replied.. ‘

Well, ‘strip down to your waist’, the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘ No wonder this
The baby is underweight.

You don’t have any milk. ‘

I know, she said, ‘I’m his Granny, But I’m glad I came’.*


----------



## win231

Four guys are in a hospital waiting room.  Their wives are having babies.
A nurse says to the first guy, "_Congratulations.  You have twins."_  The guy says, _"What a coincidence.  I work for the Minnesota Twins."_
The nurse says to the second guy, _"Congratulations.  You have triplets."_  The guy says, _"What a coincidence.  I work for the 3M Company."_
The nurse says to the third guy,_ "Congratulations.  You have quadruplets."  The guy says, "What a coincidence.  I work for the 4 Seasons Hotel."_
The last guy is freaking out & banging his head against the wall. The nurse asks him, _"What's wrong; are you OK?"_
The guy says, _No.  I work for 7-11." _


----------



## Sassycakes

*                A guy dials home from work. A strange woman answers.*
*The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid.” answered the woman.
“We don’t have a maid!”
“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
“Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just
figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you
like to make $50,000?”
“Sure, what do I have to do?”
“Get the shotgun out of the hall closet, go upstairs and shoot
that unfaithful witch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps followed
by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the
bodies?”
“Throw them in the swimming pool!”
“What pool?”*
*“Uh…is this 555-4821?*


----------



## Sassycakes

* One day a boy asked his father, “Dad, what is between mom's legs?” The father replies, “The door to heaven!”
“Then what is between yours?” – the boy asked. The father said, “The key to the door!” Then the boy said, “I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.”*


----------



## Sassycakes

*  One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.*
*‘Thump Thump Thump’
He turns around, and to his horror, he sees a coffin on the street moving towards him.
‘Thump Thump’
Thinking he's had FAR too much to drink he keeps walking.
‘Thump Thump Thump’
Now it's gaining on him, so he decides to run for it. He gets to his door panicking trying to get the key in the lock as the coffin is coming, eventually, he gets the door open closes & bolts it behind him, and collapses on the sofa.
A few seconds later, and
CRASH
The coffin has burst its way through the front door knocking it off its hinges. Terrified he dodges around the coffin and runs up the stairs, thinking there's no way the coffin can follow him there. Then he hears
‘Thump Thump Thump Thump’
The coffin is slowly hopping up the stairs, relentless in its pursuit.
The man runs into the bathroom and locks the door behind him.
The next thing he hears is CRASH
The coffin comes through the door knocking it off its hinges and
it slowly moves towards him, the coffin lid now creaking open and shut as it approaches. In desperation the man grabs the first thing he sees which is a can of Gillette shaving foam and throws it at the coffin, the coffin keeps coming.
Then he grabs a bar of Imperial Leather Soap and throws that too, The coffin keeps coming.
Finally, just before it reaches him, he grabs a bottle of Veno's cough medicine and throws it at the coffin &
*
*The coffin stopped!*


----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Bretrick

"Doctor, I can't get the song 'What's New Pussycat?' out of my head."

"Hmmm.....that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Oh? Is that common?"

"It's Not Unusual...."


----------



## Sassycakes

A man goes to confess after 25 years​*So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down, and notices a couple of playboy nude calendars on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner, and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Garden Of Eden*
*
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

“Lord, I have a problem!”*

“*What’s the problem, Eve?”*
*
“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But… he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Well… you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring… So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. But remember, it’s our little secret… You know,*
*Woman to Woman*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband in bed with the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

Later, that day …

“That was fun,” says the brunette.

“We should do it again sometime.”
*
*“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Sassycakes

Screw me Twice, Shame on Me …
Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients? 
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity 
of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. “What a joke!” he said.
 “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” 
Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”


A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior
 partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. 
“The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” Eventually,
 the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior 
partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponents business card with them.”


  An attorney was working late one night in his office when suddenly, 
Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it 
so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients 
will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous 
amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, 
the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all your friends.” 
The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pink Biz




----------



## win231

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Mizmo

A BANK LOAN TO A SCOTSMAN

A Scotsman (wearing his kilt and a bonnet) walks into offices of private bankers Coutts & Co in the Strand, London (Bankers to the Royal Family since 1820) and asks to speak to the manager.

He informs him that he is going abroad on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager tells him that Coutts & Co would only be delighted to meet his requirements, but that he should understand that since he is not a client of the Bank, it would need some modest security for the loan.

So, the Scotsman opens his sporran, takes out the keys and documents of a brand-new Ferrari parked in front of the bank, and hands them to the manager saying “Will this do?” He also produces the car’s log book and after a phone call, everything checks out fine.

The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan; the cashier hands out £5,000 while the bank’s porter drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage for safe keeping.

Over lunch the manager tells his colleagues the amusing little story of how a simple-minded Scot from North of the Border secured a loan for £5,000 offering a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral and they all enjoy a good chuckle as they sip their Port.

Two weeks later, the Scotsman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The manager says, "Sir, we have been more than happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are just a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are in fact a wealthy property investor. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000 from us? 

The Scotsman replies:
"Where else in London can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be still there when I return?"


----------



## Sassycakes

*Soon after a couple turns in for the night,*
*the wife becomes aware that her husband*
*touching her in an unusual way. Not having had much physical contact with him for a while, she decides just to relax and enjoy herself. He runs his hands along her shoulders, then along her side, across her abdomen, down her leg, then up the inside of her leg. By this time, she is squirming with pleasure. He soon reaches down between her thighs… then abruptly stops and turns over. “Honey, why did you stop? I was just getting started.” “I found the remote,” he says.*


----------



## Lara




----------



## Sassycakes

* Divorced virgin*
*A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married five times?”

“Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
*
*“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Sassycakes

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, 
but the customer service rep told me that since the 
account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. 
The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: 
“If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” 
she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”
***********************************************************************

On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought 
it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. He suddenly grew indignant.
 “Why should I pay someone to shovel?” he demanded. “I can get my son to do it. He’s only 70!” 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, 
I asked, “How’s your love life?” “I don’t know,” he 
“I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted,
 “Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.” His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.”
=================================================


----------



## Sassycakes

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day

It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”


So, on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, “Do you have any Rye bread?”

She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you
He said, “I want 5 loaves.”

She said, “My goodness, like some?”
 5 loaves … By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, 
.
It'll be hard> The 80 yr old said "I can't believe everyone knew this but Me!


----------



## Sassycakes

2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...
The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nun's cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"

"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.

So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.

"What size do you need" asked the clerk.

The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"


----------



## Sassycakes

Three women, trapped on a deserted island, decided to race each other, swimming around the island.

The brunette comes in first, taking only 30mins to swim around the island. The redhead comes in second with 45mins. Once they caught their breath, they became increasingly concerned if something happened to the blonde as she was nowhere to be seen.

Finally after 6hours, the blonde finally completes her round, completely exhausted. “I don’t want to be a sore loser, but the both of you cheated on the race. We were supposed to be swimming breast stroke, but I saw the both of you using your arms!”


----------



## Sassycakes

The wife receives a fax from her husband one day stating the following: "Dear wife. Since you are already 44 now, you cannot satisfy me completely anymore. So I am sending you this fax to tell you that I am at the Hotel Rivera with my 18-year-old secretary and girlfriend now and will be back later on tonight, before 12am definitely."
As the husband arrives back home, just before 12am he finds a note from his wife.


"Dear husband. I thank you for your letter and your consideration in letting me know. 

But I do have to remind you, that you yourself are also 44 years of age. 
Therefore you also cannot satisfy me completely anymore. Therefore I am at the 
Beachfront Hotel now, with my boyfriend and Tennis instructor, who is also 18. 
But I won't be back before the morning, because - as I would like to remind you - 
18 go more times into 44 than 44 into 18!"


----------



## Sassycakes

What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?

STRESS is when wife is pregnant.
TENSION is when girlfriend is pregnant.
PANIC is when both are pregnant.


----------



## Pappy

Cinderella was now 75 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
Fairy Godmother replied: “Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish:
“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear said: “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”
The Fairy Godmother replied: “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And long-forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.,the Fairy Godmother again spoke:

“You have one more wish, what will you have?”
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful – the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen – so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!”
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath:
“I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”


----------



## Paco Dennis

This is a tough issue for humor but it's their job.  ( Onion channel )


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Pappy

****THE TOILET SEAT****

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. 
Finally,  I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to  take care of another matter before she returned.  
She came home  and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat  on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the  not-quite-dry  epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. 

About  that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and  pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid  the toilet seat bolts. 
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) 

Judy  tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor,  I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed.”


----------



## OneEyedDiva

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and 
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced 
triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
 __________________________________________________________

 A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the 
Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on 
the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.
___________________________________________________________

A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did 
a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
_________________________________________________________

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been 
learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a 
Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
 One child blurted out, 'Aces!'


----------



## Mizmo

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - 

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.

And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

The wife comes home one day wearing a brand new diamond tennis bracelet.​*The hu**sband asked where she got it from. She tells him she won a raffle at work and then asks him to get a hot bath ready for her.
Not thinking too much about it, the husband gets her bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home with a mink coat on. Again the husband asked where she got it from. She again says she won it in a raffle at work.
Again asked the husband to get a hot bath ready for her.
The husband again gets the bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home in a brand new car, and yet again claims she won it in a raffle at work.
Without hesitation, the husband goes and gets his wife a hot bath ready. When she entered the bathroom, she sees the tub only has an inch or two of water in it.
The wife asked the husband why it was almost empty, and the husband says that he doesn't want her to get her raffle ticket wet.*


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Paco Dennis

Pepe Le Pew Cancellation​


Joke right!? Geeez


----------



## Sassycakes

*SEX AFTER DEATH!!!*
*A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back as we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, and I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple of more times. 
Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.  
After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over  again."
"Oh, Frank! Are you in  Heaven?"*
*"No -- I'm a f^%$#%g rabbit somewhere in Scotland"*


----------



## Sassycakes

Ooops !


----------



## Sassycakes

*There were three nuns at the pearly gates with St. Peter.

St. Peter tells the nuns, "since you've all dedicated your lives to God, we will let you go back and live as anyone you'd like to."*
*
The first nun says, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa", and Peter says, "No problem."

The second nun says, "I'd like to return as Princess Diana", and Peter says, "Sure thing."

The third nun says, "I'd like to be Sarah Pippilini." St. Peter says, "I'm sorry sister but I don't know who that is." The nun holds up a newspaper and points to the headline.
*
*St. Peter laughs and says, "No, no sister that doesn't say 'Sarah Pippilini'; it says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days."*


----------



## Pappy

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store & bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again, she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady.
"Yes?" she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
GUESS WHAT SHE SAID …HA HA HA HA
The blonde turned around and replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Angela!"


----------



## MarkinPhx

Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole.He said they all look like that and I should have left him in my garden.


----------



## MarkinPhx

𝐈 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐞𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐢𝐬𝐭.
𝐍𝐨𝐰 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐫𝐮𝐢𝐧𝐬.


----------



## Pappy

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."


----------



## win231

A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
 "Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
 Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
 Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
 Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
 Wife: "Oh."
 Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
 Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
 Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
 Wife: "Oh."
 Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
 Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
 Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
 She got the raise.


----------



## Right Now




----------



## Bretrick

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing on him, he looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer and then he tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him, reaching towards him with its left paw and raising the right paw to strike.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped 
The bear froze 
The forest was silent 

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky 
"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident .... Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
"Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light - "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now but perhaps you could make the Bear a Christian?"
a pause,
"Very well," said the voice 
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed

And the bear dropped his right arm 
brought both paws together 
bowed his head & spoke 

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive.”


----------



## Sassycakes

* An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her Father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?"

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes 
Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... 
(takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."

"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.*
*Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"*


----------



## dseag2

Paco Dennis said:


> This is a tough issue for humor but it's their job.  ( Onion channel )


----------



## Right Now




----------



## win231

A businessman walks into a bank in London and asks for the loan officer.  He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.00.  The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so he hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs $300,000.00
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” he says, “and I have all the necessary papers & the title.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.  After the customer leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their employees enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $300,000.00  Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000.00 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.  Two weeks later, the customer returns, repays the $5,000.00 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire.  Why would you borrow $5,000.00?"
The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?"


----------



## Sassycakes

*                                Word joke*
*A man had 4 sons and named them Bronson, Kenneth, Conrad, and Dominic.
One day, they decided to ask their father if his choice of names meant anything.*
*He replied, "Only the first three letters of each."*


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Sassycakes

*A man, shocked by how his buddy was dressed, asked him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?"
The friend replied, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*                                           Chinese sex.*

*A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. 
Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, 
dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker 
and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, 
the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, 
climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker, and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, 
she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath *
*of fresh air, dives under the bed… and finds four Chinese men.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*                                    Father and Son
DAD: “Ok, so after every question I ask you, you must say ketchup and rubber buns”.

KID: Gotcha.

DAD: What did you buy at the store?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What did you have for dinner?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What do you do when an old lady crosses the street?*

*KID: Ketchup and rub……. HEY!*


----------



## Sassycakes

*                                   Curiosity in a Toilet*
*
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. 
But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, 
aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies' room, 
but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll 
were four buttons marked: ‘WW’, ‘WA’, ‘PP’ and ‘ATR’.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded 
what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW 
button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. 
He thought “Wow, these gals really have it nice.” So a little more boldly he 
pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and 
dried it comfortably. “Aha” he thought, “no wonder these women take so long in the 
bathroom with these kinds of services.” So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. 
A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
 “Man, this is great,” he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse 
to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the lady's 
room on the plane. The nurse explained, “Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the *
*Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your p+++s  is under your pillow.*”


----------



## Sassycakes

*John and his wife were working in their garden one day when John looks over at his wife and says, “Your ass is getting really big. I bet your ass is bigger than the barbecue.” With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom. “Yes, I was right, your ass is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!”*

*The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed John was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances toward his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”*


----------



## Pappy

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious..
He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained..
'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy.
'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says:
'Yep, diesel fitter.'


----------



## Sassycakes

*Billy Bob and Luther are talking one day.*
*"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. 
I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
*
_*Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."*_


----------



## Sassycakes

*An elderly couple is going to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. *
*"How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. 
"I'm eating well, and still in control I'm of my bowels and bladder. 
In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good rns Lord tuthe light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement and goes into 
the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. 
"I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and
 I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, 
the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" *
*"Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."*


----------



## win231

A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde "You paid for economy class and you will have to sit in the back."
The blonde replies, _"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."_
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and she won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, _"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."_
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, _"You say she is a blonde?  I'll handle this.  I'm married to a blonde.  I speak blonde."_
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, i'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, _"First class isn't going to Toronto."_


----------



## MarkinPhx

A man from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*My friend just sent me this and it cracked me up. She said she saw it on Facebook.*
*
 A little boy goes to his father and asks, 
" Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, 
" well son, I guess one day you will need to find 
out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in an 
online chat room. Then I set up a date via E-mail
with your Mom, and we met at a Cyber Cafe
We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. 
There your mother agreed to download from my hard drive. 
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither 
one of us had used a firewall, 
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months *
*later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, " You've got male!"*


----------



## Patricia

Sassycakes said:


> *My friend just sent me this and it cracked me up. She said she saw it on Facebook.*
> 
> *A little boy goes to his father and asks,
> " Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers,
> " well son, I guess one day you will need to find
> out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in an
> online chat room. Then I set up a date via E-mail
> with your Mom, and we met at a Cyber Cafe
> We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other.
> There your mother agreed to download from my hard drive.
> As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither
> one of us had used a firewall,
> and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months *
> *later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, " You've got male!"*







Sassycakes said:


> So amazing that someone came up with this.


----------



## Patricia

Sassycakes said:


> *Billy Bob and Luther are talking one day.*
> *"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!
> 
> The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.
> I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
> 
> Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
> 
> Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
> 
> Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"*
> 
> _*Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."*_


The last line surprised me.


----------



## Furryanimal

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.​Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.
Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.
After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.
Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.
Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.
The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."


----------



## kburra

My wife accused me of being too nosey, well that's what it said in her diary!


----------



## Lawrence00

Law Breaker


----------



## Sassycakes

*  A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. 
The man asked to be stronger than any other man. 
He was given the strength to crush boulders.

He asked for the world's fastest sports car and a Ferrari 
appeared in front of him. 

He then asked to be smarter than *
*any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Wife: I found Aladin’s lamp today*

*Husband: Wow, what did you ask for darling?

Wife: I asked him to increase your brain power by ten times.

Husband: Oh… love you so much.. Did he do that?
*
*Wife: He laughed and said multiplication doesn’t work with zero*.


----------



## Bella

*Let Me Think For a Second ~

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. 

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." 

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." 

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup!"*


----------



## win231

John was sitting outside his local pub, enjoying a pint of vodka when a nun appears & starts decrying the evils of drink.
_"You should be ashamed of yourself, young man! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" _she says.
John asks, "How do you know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so," replies the nun.
"But have you ever had a drink yourself?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Of course I have never had a drink."
"Then you can't be sure that what you're saying is right. I'll tell you what. Let me buy you a drink. After you've tried it, if you still believe it is evil I will give up drinking for life."
"I'm a nun. What will people think if they see me drinking?"
"I'll get the bartender to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The nun reluctantly agrees, so John walks up to the bartender, lowers his voice & says, "Another pint for me & a triple vodka on the rocks & could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Ah," says the bartender. "That nun again?"


----------



## Sassycakes

When God created Adam and Eve, He said to them:
I have two gifts to give you - one is to pee standing up and...
Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming:
M E..! M E..! I want it, please Lord... please... please... please...
This would make life a lot easier!
Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her.
So God gave Adam the gift.
Adam was amazed, screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, peeing on every tree.
He ran along the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand.
He lit a fire and played fireman..
God and Eve stared at the mad man with happiness until Eve asked God:
and... what is the other present?
And God answered:
A Brain Eve ... The brain is yours...
And that is why women are smarter than Men


----------



## Bella

*Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching TV. 

On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death etc. 

“Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to put an end to it.” 

“No problem hon,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.*


----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Pappy

One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious"?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket."
"For reading a book"? she replies.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.
"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with ****** assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece!!


----------



## win231

A cop pulls a lady over for speeding.
He says, "What's your name, ma'am?"
She says, "Frida."
He says, "What's your last name?"
She says "Gomam," & drives off.


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## RB-TX

win231 said:


> A cop pulls a lady over for speeding.
> He says, "What's your name, ma'am?"
> She says, "Frida."
> He says, "What's your last name?"
> She says "Gomam," & drives off.


I guess I'm a bit slow today, b/c I don't see he joke


----------



## Pinky

RB-TX said:


> I guess I'm a bit slow today, b/c I don't see he joke


Frida Gomam .. Free to go, Ma'am.


----------



## Bella

*ROMANCE, SENIOR-STYLE

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*Mom was trying to get her son to get out of bed and get ready for school.*
* "I am not going to school!" the son responded defiantly.

"Why not?" Mom wanted to know.

‎"Well, first of all, I hate school and second of all .. the kid all hate me!!" was the answer.‎

‎"Son, that's not a good reason.. you will have to get up and ready for school!" Mom replied.‎

"Well, give me two good reasons why I should," the son said.
*
*"Well," Mom said quietly, "First of all you are 52 years old, and second of all...You are the Principal*


----------



## Sassycakes

*A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.*
*
Eventually, the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.

*
*The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"*


----------



## MrPants




----------



## Pappy

The Black Bra
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ And we were passionate all nite...
The mistress:
'Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had a great night.'
Then I had to share my story:
'When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”'


----------



## MrPants

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times'


----------



## win231

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed that the man sitting across from her was staring & smiling at her.
She moved to another seat.
The same man smiled at her even more, so she moved again.
Now the man started chuckling.  She moved to another seat.  Then the man burst out laughing.
After she moved for the 4th time, she complained to the driver & he called the police & they arrested the man for harassment.
When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man, _"What do you have to say for yourself?"_
The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, she sat down under a sign that said, _"The Doublemint Twins are Coming,"_ so I smiled.
Then she moved & sat under a sign that said, _"Try Logan's Liniment To Reduce Swelling,"_ & I had to smile.
Then she moved again & sat under a sign for a deodorant ad that said, _"William's Big Stick Did The Trick,"_ & I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time & sat under a sign that said, _"Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident,"........_I just lost it."


----------



## Furryanimal

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
I'm terrified of elevators so I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes? Probably not, they haven't had a gig yet.


----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## horseless carriage

Paco Dennis said:


>


And there was me thinking that love was nil in tennis terms.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## win231

Johnny was in college at 17 years old & he received an "F" on his paper.
He went up to the professor & asked him if he understood the subject he was teaching.
The professor said, "Of course I understand the subject; I'm a professor."
Johnny says, "OK. Let me ask you a question. If you answer it correctly, I will accept my grade. But if you get it wrong, you have to give me an "A."
The professor says, "You're on."
Johnny says, "What is legal, but not logical, what is logical, but not legal, & what is neither legal nor logical?"
The professor says, "Ya know, I can't answer that question, so I'll give you an "A," but you have to give me the answer."
Johnny says, "Sir, you're 63 years old & you married a 30 year old, which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 17-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
And the fact that you gave your wife's lover an "A" when he should have failed, is neither legal nor logical."


----------



## Furryanimal

Just got fired from my job at Google Maps. Apparently I was terrible at drawing the boundaries between countries.​They said I was borderline incompetent.


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Furryanimal

.* The award for the funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe* has gone to West Midlands comedian Masai Graham. It goes: “I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.”


----------



## Bella




----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## win231

Ya know why pigs don't sunbathe?
They're bacon in the sun.


----------



## Sassycakes

A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________



Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"

Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a crap".
_______________________________________________________________





Johnny asks his grandpa, "do you still have sex with granny?"

Grandpa says, "Yes, but only oral."

Johnny asks, "What is oral?"

Grandpa says, "I say screw you, she says screw you, too."


----------



## i'myourpal

> Sassycakes said:
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 58585
> 
> 
> 
> This was good and very creative.
Click to expand...


----------



## Paco Dennis

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...​...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Keith.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well, she just died and left me everything."


----------



## win231

"Do you have a drinking problem?"
"No, I pretty much have it figured out."

"How do you know when you've had too much?"
"I run out."

"What's your favorite beer?"
"An open one."

"Have you ever been to an AA meeting?"
"AA is for quitters."


----------



## Bella

Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Saudi Arabian were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a loud beeping sound.

The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager,” he said, “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.

When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The Saudi Arabian felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Saudi Arabian finally said “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax.”


----------



## Sassycakes

*A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill.*
*
The young boy says: “I’ll be darned.”

A local pastor heard him and said:


You should not say that.

Next time your wheel falls off say:

‘Praise the Lord.’”

So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill.

The young boy says:


“Praise the Lord.”

The wheel stops rolling, turns around, rolls back up the hill, and puts itself back on the wagon.

The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims:
*
*“I’ll be darned!”*


----------



## mike4lorie

_This joke may be old for some, but for those of you who haven't seen it before........._


A woman wrote to tech support, and their reply is a stroke of genius

This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both family happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her. She is simply looking for an answer to her questions. How do you maintain a relationship? How do you bring back the excitement of the first date? She wrote a letter to tech support to find her answers. She sent the letter as a joke and only remembered about it when she suddenly received an email notification with a response.


Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate




Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter the command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.


In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!


----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Sassycakes

*  Nude beach*
*
A mother and father take their 6-year-old son to a family nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, ‘The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.

‘The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, ‘The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.’

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother.
*
*‘Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets’*


----------



## Sassycakes

*My wife is having an affair
*
*
A blond guy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the Plummer the other day I
found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

The blond guy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends look at him with utter amazement.

“No, I’m serious.
The other day when I got home I found a jockey under our bed*


----------



## win231

I got in trouble in 3rd grade elementary school.
I was making ugly faces at a girl on the playground.
A teacher saw me & said, "My father told me if I made faces like that, my face would stay that way."
I said, "Well, you can't say he didn't warn you."


----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## Sassycakes

I have been going crazy for days to think of this joke. I finally found it today. Of course, you might have to be Catholic to laugh.


My son asked, "What's God's name?" I replied, "Howard." Frowning, he said, "How do you know His name's Howard?" I smiled, "Well, people always say..."
"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."


----------



## Sassycakes

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.


----------



## Sassycakes




----------



## Bella

A man enters a tavern and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring him another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look buddy, I'll bring ya martinis all night long, but ya gotta tell me why you keep looking inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.'' " When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."


----------



## Beezer

Q: How was the limbo invented?

A: A Scotsman trying to get into a pay toilet.


----------



## Beezer

Guy walks into a bar...

He orders a grasshopper, finishes his drink and on his way walking home he spots a real grasshopper on the side walk. The guy says to the grasshopper, "Hey! Do you know there's a drink named after you?" The grasshopper replies...

"Really? There's a drink called Irving?"


----------



## ElCastor

Here is a quick one I read on a mens room wall in Yellowstone:
Here I sit broken-hearted. Ran a mile and only farted.


----------



## Greenie

Written on the back of a toilet door at a roadhouse in Queensland, Australia --------------------

 In 6 days God created all the world and the things in it,  on the 7th day he rested, --------------- but on the 8th day, he created his most wonderfull creation of all ———————— a Harley-Davidson motorcycle.

Then some wit wrote beneath that comment ———————————

Yeh, and on the 9th and 10th day, ———————   he was still trying to start the ‘bloody effin’ thing.


----------



## Beezer

Q: What's 40 feet long and has 14 teeth?

A: The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.


----------



## Sassycakes

*Wife: “How would you describe me?”*
*Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”*
*Husband: “I’m just kidding!”*


----------



## win231

Taking a dog named _*"Shark" *_to the beach is a bad idea.


----------



## Sassycakes

8-year-old Arthur went to his father to ask him something.​*- Dad, what’s the name of that thing where one person lies on top of another?
Arthur’s father was shocked by the question, but he decided to tell him:
- My son, I don’t know how I should explain this to you. It’s called se—
- Wait, dad, I’ve remembered it! It’s a bunk bed!*


----------



## Sassycakes

A plumber​is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber makes eye contact with the lady at the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!


----------



## Sassycakes

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy​*who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose, and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve*
*10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"*
*1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than that."*


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## win231

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist.  The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.
In an equally loud voice, he  replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION.  BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

*                                Two Statues *
*Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years.
An angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life.
You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”
The statues came to life and smiled at each other.
They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”*
*Giggling, the female statue said, “Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on its head!”*


----------



## Sassycakes

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## Sassycakes

*Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.*
*But the law allows only one wife.    
_____________________________________________________________

      A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door, she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”*
*He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”*


----------



## win231

A guy was on trial for murder. His defense attorney was questioning the pathologist who performed the autopsy on the victim.
Lawyer: “Doctor, Before performing the autopsy, did you check the victim for a pulse?”
Pathologist: “No, but.......”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s respiration?”
Pathologist: “No, but why........”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s blood pressure?”
Pathologist: “No, but why......”
Lawyer: “So, doctor, you never really established that the victim was dead, did you?”
Pathologist: “Well, his brain was in a jar next to the table, but I suppose he could still be out there practicing law.”


----------



## Frank Smith




----------



## Frank Smith

*A young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom I know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his dad said, "shut up and take this 50 dollars". so the next day he saw the mailman and said I know the whole truth the mailman said " then come and give your real father a big hug.*


----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Jace

After the music teacher heard the student sing..he told him he should be a tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away!


----------



## OneEyedDiva




----------



## OneEyedDiva




----------



## Sassycakes

*Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates.*
*Since they’ve all led exemplary lives, he lets each say any woman’s name and she’ll go back to Earth for six months as that person.

“Sophia Loren,” says the first nun - and poof, she disappears.

“Madonna,” says the second nun, and she disappears, too.

“Sara Piplini,” says the third nun. “Who’s that?” asks St. Peter.

The nun hands him a newspaper clipping.
*
*He reads and says, “I’m sorry, sister, but you’ve got it all wrong. It’s the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in six months.”*


----------



## Mizmo

A couple is at the airport in Phoenix, Arizona awaiting their flight dressed in heavy boots, long parka, scarf, mittens, and ready to head home to the Canadian winter. An older American couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress.

The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from?"

He replies, "How would I know?"

She answers, "You could go ask them."

He says, "I really don't care. You want to know, you ask them."

So she walks over to them and asks, ”Excuse me. I’m noticing the way you're dressed and wonder where you're from?"

The Canadian farmer replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

She returns to her husband who asks, "So, where are they from?" 

She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English!"

____________________________


----------



## Sassycakes

*Two brothers are terrible troublemakers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail.

Out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other.

Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?" The boy just sits there and doesn't answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?"
The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer.

The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?"

To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs, and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!*
*
*


----------



## Furryanimal

Bagpiper for the Homeless
A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the Oklahoma back country.

As he was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost; and being a typical man didn't stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew. The funeral guy had evidently gone, as the diggers were eating lunch and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

He felt badly about this. He apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place.

He started to play and the workers gathered around.

He played out his heart and soul for this homeless man.

As he played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep.

He played like he'd never played before. Then he finished and started for his car.

As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say:

"Man that was really moving, I ain't never seen nothin' like that before."

"And I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


----------



## Sassycakes

*Woman and the Farmer*​*A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!’ ‘What a coincidence the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’… This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’*
*‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’ ‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’*
*‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’ ‘I used a different cock,’ he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence!*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*    John Snow.*
*John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. 
A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. 
She likes him, so she goes and introduces herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?

John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,
*
*-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...*


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Sassycakes

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.​*“Where did you get such a rocking bike?” asked the first.

The second engineer replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, ‘Take what you want.'”

The first engineer nodded approvingly “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit!”*


----------



## Furryanimal

A man with suspected Corona virus is lying in a hospital bed with a face mask on waiting to be seen.

A trainee nurse comes to give the man a bed bath.

The man asks “Are my testicles black?"

The nurse replies “I'm here to give you a bed bath"

The man asks again slightly more agitated this time “Ok, but can you look to see if my testicles are black?”

The nurse replies “Sir I'm only supposed to give you a bed bath upper body and feet"

The man rather breathless this time manages to ask one more time, “Please, are my testicles black?”

The nurse looks at the man in sympathy and not wanting the man’s heart rate to increase or cause any more undue stress lifts up the man's gown, takes the mans member in one hand and his testicles in the other, leans in to inspect and says, “No your testicles are not black”

The man sits up in his bed removes his face mask and says to the nurse 
"LISTENCAREFULLY.Are my test results back?"


----------



## win231

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
_But, hell, enough about me.....how are *you *feeling?"_


----------



## win231

Three rough-looking bikers walk into a diner where an old man is having breakfast.
One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes.
The second biker spits into his coffee.
The third biker dumps his whole plate on the floor.
Without saying a word, the old guy pays his bill & leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?” says one biker to the waitress.
“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”


----------



## Pappy




----------



## OneEyedDiva

Furryanimal said:


> A man with suspected Corona virus is lying in a hospital bed with a face mask on waiting to be seen.
> 
> A trainee nurse comes to give the man a bed bath.
> 
> The man asks “Are my testicles black?"
> 
> The nurse replies “I'm here to give you a bed bath"
> 
> The man asks again slightly more agitated this time “Ok, but can you look to see if my testicles are black?”
> 
> The nurse replies “Sir I'm only supposed to give you a bed bath upper body and feet"
> 
> The man rather breathless this time manages to ask one more time, “Please, are my testicles black?”
> 
> The nurse looks at the man in sympathy and not wanting the man’s heart rate to increase or cause any more undue stress lifts up the man's gown, takes the mans member in one hand and his testicles in the other, leans in to inspect and says, “No your testicles are not black”
> 
> The man sits up in his bed removes his face mask and says to the nurse
> "LISTENCAREFULLY.Are my test results back?"


ROFLM*O!


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*What’s the secret to a happy marriage?*​*Find a woman who can cook and clean. A woman who’s an animal in bed. A woman with lots of money. Make sure these three women never meet.*


----------



## Farrah Nuff

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.*​*After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”

“I accept, thanks!” She answers. He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking. Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.

The doctor looks worried, gets up, and says: “My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”*


----------



## Sassycakes

· 
*"A young couple moved into a new house.*
*The next morning while they were eating breakfast, 
the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside.
"That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly. 
Perhaps she needs better soap powder.
Her husband looked on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.
A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash 
on the line and said to her husband, 
Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"
The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
And so it is with life… 
What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.
So don’t be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity, or unfulfilled desires.*
*Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."*


----------



## Furryanimal

A man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks to start with.
First is to clear the exotic fish pond of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, since lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them in with the lions.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The old lion says "Absolutely brilliant.
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."


----------



## Furryanimal

A man run’s over a cat and knocks on the door where the owner lives. He takes his wallet out and says, ‘I would like to replace your cat.’ The elderly woman replies. ‘That’s all very well but how are you at catching mice?’


----------



## Pappy

If you know how to speak Japanese and I have offended you, I apologize cause I don’t know what it says.


----------



## Farrah Nuff

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it has an ear infection. The vet cleans the dog's ear and treats it with anti-biotic drops. He then says to the woman "That's fine now, but you are going to need to treat both ears with hair-removal cream every month from now on to prevent the infection recurring." 

On the way home, she stops off at the chemist and asks the pharmacist for some hair-removal cream. The pharmacist hands over the cream and says "If you are using this under your arms, then avoid using deodorant for 2 days." The woman says "Oh, it's not for under my arms." "Well" says the pharmacist "If you are going to use it on your legs, don't shave for 5 days." "But it's not for my legs either" says the woman "It's for my Schnauzer." "Well in that case" says the pharmacist "Don't ride your bike for a week."


----------



## Pappy

Groan.....
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969. " The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back. "


----------



## Mizmo

> *Father 'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.*
> 
> *He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.*
> 
> 
> *The conversation went like this:* * "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”*
> 
> *"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter ?"*
> 
> *Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the Good Father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites !”*
> 
> *There was dead silence on the line for a long moment………*
> *Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Mizmo




----------



## Greenie

The Great Dane with the Dodgy Gut


Title says it all really.

When I was a little sproglet, we had a lovely lump of a Great Dane that was about twice my height. Beautiful, lovely, friendly, soft, gentle creature. Unfortunately he had an inherited stomach problem - basically it meant that things would fly through him, and he had an absolutely enormous appetite, which lead to a propensity to eat whatever he could find. To this day, I sleep in late - purely because as a child you never wanted to be the first one up because of the sheer mountains of dog dump that would confront you downstairs.

Memorable passages include:

1. The entire 4kg tub of margarine he snaffled. This greased him through, and for days was fixed in a squat, ejecting a never-ending stream of arse gravy.

2. When I couldn't find my favourite pair of yellow socks. My mum swore she'd washed them and they were in the clean laundry basket. Three days later I found them, still neatly folded - and in the middle of a gently steaming pile of dog's egg.

But, by far the most memorable:
3. When he managed to nick the remains of a Sunday roast. Unfortunately, the bits of elasticated string from the roast were still on the plate. A day or so later, he was wandering around the house with about 6 inches of the elastic hanging out of his bumhole. My dad decides to help out, and grabs the end to tug it out. It's well wedged up the gut, so my dad pulls hard. The end of the greasy elastic slips out of his fingers, and the whole thing snaps back at the hound's ringpiece. I have never, ever, seen an animal move so fast or yelp so loud. He didn't come back for hours, and wouldn't go near my dad for weeks.


----------



## win231

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelery store with a beautiful much-younger gal at his side.  He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25.00 in your account."
"I know," said the old man. _"But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"_


----------



## OneEyedDiva

I can't remember if I posted this already. If I did, forgive me.


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*                 Giving your cat a bath.*
*We all know that cats are generally not into taking a bath outside of their own tongue so below is a guide to use.*

*1. Open the lid and seat of the toilet and add some soap to the bowl.*
*2. Get the cat and drop them inside and quickly close the lid.
3. You will hear some howling and splashing, the cat loves this and wants to vocalize in the best way they know how to keep it up.
4. After a few minutes give it a flush and add some more soap so they can get extra clean. The cat will go crazy for this and will meow, howl and splash even more in appreciation.
5. Allow the washing to continue for at least 5 more minutes.
6. After the 5 minutes are up flush the toilet a few times making sure to allow the tank to completely refill in between for maximum rinsing action. Your cat will ABSOLUTELY go crazy for this.
7. Once your cat is thoroughly washed and rinsed it's time to dry them off. This is very simple as the cat will want to help you out by basically drying themselves because they are so happy they got such good bathing. So just open the lid and allow them to run out, just be sure to stand to the side so they have a free path to run about the house.

And that is it you will have a happy, clean cat and you will just love how easy it is.



Sincerely,*

*Your friend the dog.*


----------



## down2earth

Furryanimal said:


> A man with suspected Corona virus is lying in a hospital bed with a face mask on waiting to be seen.
> 
> A trainee nurse comes to give the man a bed bath.
> 
> The man asks “Are my testicles black?"
> 
> The nurse replies “I'm here to give you a bed bath"
> 
> The man asks again slightly more agitated this time “Ok, but can you look to see if my testicles are black?”
> 
> The nurse replies “Sir I'm only supposed to give you a bed bath upper body and feet"
> 
> The man rather breathless this time manages to ask one more time, “Please, are my testicles black?”
> 
> The nurse looks at the man in sympathy and not wanting the man’s heart rate to increase or cause any more undue stress lifts up the man's gown, takes the mans member in one hand and his testicles in the other, leans in to inspect and says, “No your testicles are not black”
> 
> The man sits up in his bed removes his face mask and says to the nurse
> "LISTENCAREFULLY.Are my test results back?"


----------



## Ken N Tx

This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw $10.”
The teller told her “For withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM."
The old lady asked why. The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She told her “You have $1,300,000.00 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her "Any amount up to $3000.“
The lady said, "Well please let me have $3000 now.” The teller kindly handed her $3000.
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2,990 back into her account.
The moral of this story is....Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.


----------



## Gardenlover

What's a polar bears favorite sandwich?

A brrrrrger.

What do polar bears order from Taco Bell?

Brrrrrritoes.


----------



## down2earth

Pappy said:


> *Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in? " he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya. "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband? "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery. "Oh, God no! " cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me... "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. "Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim? "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly? "Well, no Brenda, no. "No? "Fact is, he got out three times to pee. "*


----------



## Lewkat




----------



## down2earth

My neighbor is a* blind gynecologist*. I asked him, "how is it possible that you know what you're doing?"
He replied, "*I read lips*".


----------



## down2earth

Sassycakes said:


> View attachment 58585


Good one. Very clever!


----------



## Sassycakes

*I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.*
*" She said, "What's that got to do with anything?" *
*    I said, "That means it's pasture bedtime."*


----------



## Disgustedman

Sassycakes said:


> ·
> *"A young couple moved into a new house.*
> *The next morning while they were eating breakfast,
> the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside.
> "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly.
> Perhaps she needs better soap powder.
> Her husband looked on, remaining silent.
> Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.
> A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash
> on the line and said to her husband,
> Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"
> The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
> And so it is with life…
> What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.
> So don’t be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity, or unfulfilled desires.*
> *Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."*


Hey, this was for jokes, not morals.

Did you know nothing starts with "N" and ends with "G"?


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Pappy




----------



## Nemo2

_Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says, "I gotta admit I'm really scared out here."

The other replies, “You’re scared? I gotta walk back..._


----------



## Nemo2

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

----------------------------------------------------

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.

----------------------------------------------------

I renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

----------------------------------------------------

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

----------------------------------------------------

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

----------------------------------------------------

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

----------------------------------------------------

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

----------------------------------------------------

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

----------------------------------------------------

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

----------------------------------------------------

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

----------------------------------------------------

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

----------------------------------------------------

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

----------------------------------------------------

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.

----------------------------------------------------

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

----------------------------------------------------

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need.”

----------------------------------------------------

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, but it let out a little whine.


----------



## Nemo2




----------



## papa tiger

Joe heard The Legend that his father, grandfather and
great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake.
"If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Joe and Brian arrived at the lake,
they rented a boat and began paddling.
When the got to the middle of the lake,
Joe stepped off of the side of the boat...
and damn near drowned.
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.
When Joe arrived back at the family farm,
he asked his grandmother for an explanation.
"Grandma, why can I not walk on water like the Legend of my father,
and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands,
looked into his eyes, and explained,
"That's because your father, grandfather and
great-grandfather were born in January...
you were born in July, dear."


----------



## papa tiger

If ya got the time to  watch the  unwatched.  The whole thing is actually there.   Just click on it.   Yep its got some ****** tension.

The Big Bang Theory Unaired Pilot Scene 5 - YouTube


----------



## Lara

haha...you papa tigers are all alike


----------



## papa tiger

Lil Johnny applys for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and
is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Lil Johnny a pop quiz,
asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were
heading towards each other on the same track?"
Lil Johnny replies: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever brakes off?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and
use the manual lever down there", answers Lil Johnny.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Lil Johnny answers, "I'd run back up here and
use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone is busy?"
"In that case," Lil Johnny argued, "I'd run to the street level and
use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," says LIl Johnny, " I will run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."


----------



## win231

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment, grinning from ear to ear.
Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that, for a 50-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an 18 year old."
"Oh, yeah?" asked her husband.  "What did he say about your 50-year-old ass?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."


----------



## Sassycakes

*Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, call out other men's names. Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. "Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me $10 million when he died."

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care where your money came from."*


----------



## Sassycakes

*I am made of either latex or rubber. You wear me for protection every time you feel not so comfortable with what you are dipping yourself into. You use your fingers to get me on and pull me off. What am I?


Gloves.*


----------



## Sassycakes

*The doctor and bus driver were both madly in love with the same young woman, Sarah.*
*The  bus driver had to take a long trip which would last a week before he left why did he 
leave Sarah 7 apples

An apple a day keeps the doctor away!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


What is at least 6 inches long, goes into the mouth, and is even better with vibrating?


A toothbrush.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Is there anything in common between a pregnant woman and a burned cake?

*
*You should’ve taken it out earlier.*


----------



## papa tiger

*NASA TO SEND 3 ASTRONAUTS TO SPACE, 2 YEAR MISSION*.

NASA allows each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The first astronaut decides to take his wife,
the second decides to take books and learn how to speak German, 
and the third astronaut decides to take 200 lbs. of cigarettes.

Two years later the space shuttle lands and
there is a large crowd waiting to welcome them home.
The first to step forward is the astronaut and his wife,
each have a baby in their arms.

Next, out steps the second astronaut speaking fluent German.
They gave their speeches / thank yours and get a rousing applause.

Then finally Lil Johnny steps out,  the third astronaut has a cigarette in his mouth.
Well, Lil Johnny walks up to the Mic on the podium and
asks the crowd, "Has anyone got a light?"


----------



## papa tiger

Lil Johnny tells his wife, " am going to start smoking Pot!"
Mrs. Lil Johnnys says, "If you start Doing that **** I'm gonna leave you."
Lil Johnny replies, "That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!"


----------



## Knight

A man & woman were enjoying sex when the woman heard her husbands car pull into the drive way. She panicked & said   quick get in the closet.

He did and when in there he heard a young boys voice.  The boy said wow it sure is dark in here. The man said be quiet. The boy said I sure could use a new baseball. The man said here's $10.00 buy yourself one & be quiet.

A couple of weeks pass & the man & woman are back at it again. Same thing woman hears her husband.  Back into the closet  Same boys voice saying  wow it sure is dark in here. Same request to be quiet. This time the boy says I need a new glove to go with the new ball. The man say's here's $25.00 for a glove now please be quiet. 

A few days later the woman sees her son with the new ball & glove & asks where he got them. The boy explains that the man in the closet gave him money to buy them. The mother said that was wrong of him and that he should go down to the church to ask for forgiveness.


He did. When he got into the confessional booth he said wow it sure is dark in here..

The priest said  Don't start that again.


----------



## papa tiger

I'm left watching as everyone else around me seems to have it figured out.

*With each passing year, it gets harder and harder, lonelier and lonelier.*

I must be doing something wrong. There must be some fundamental part of me that IS wrong because everyone else is having sex. Animals do it. Most of the population does it. Hell, the kids I used to babysit are closer to having sex than I am at this point.

What is it about me that is so unappealing to the opposite sex? Surely, there are plenty of people who are more insecure than me, shyer than me, and weigh more/less than me that are having sex. With each passing year, I stack more and more things on that list of what I must be doing wrong. And it must be me, right?

After so many years, I can't tell anymore if my insecurities and uncertainties are a direct result of being a virgin or vice-versa. They're all so tangled I can't tell where one ends and the other begins. But having gone my entire adult life without someone wanting me? Desiring me? Needing me? It's damn near paralyzing some days.
Why should it be so difficult for a 32 year old Virgin?  Why all the insecurity and frustration of loneliness? I don't lay there at night thinking why can't I get fulfilling sex, a great relationship with him and a marriage / family + future.  What's wrong?


----------



## Pappy




----------



## papa tiger

Judy is bored with driving her BMW. It lacks individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office has one. She fancies something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. So she goes to a local car dealer and spies a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It's wonderfully restored and she just loves its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she's tearing down the Tree lined road enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long hair flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there's a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasts to a stop. She gets out and lifts the hood and concludes after a few minutes that she doesn't have a clue of what's wrong. Luckily she has her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait She sees a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?
Judy replies, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a kitten again.
"Thank goodness," she says, "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked The Blond asks, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"


----------



## papa tiger

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."  The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.  "And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.  "What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."


----------



## Pappy




----------



## papa tiger

Lil Johnny says,  "Dad I made a girl cry today but I didn't mean to"
"What happened this time." "This Stuff Happens"
"Well she said she likes me a lot",
and then I said, " that's nice" and
then she said "don't you like me?"
"Then I Thought a Bit, thinking about what you said to Mom."
So then i said, " listen your like one of those floating turds
that no matter how many times I flush you just wont go away"


----------



## papa tiger

*THOUGHTS OF THE FRIDAY*

"Capitalism is an exceptional belief that the activities of the most vile scum, driven by the most base motives, will somehow be for the benefit of everyone" (c) John Maynard Keynes


----------



## Llynn




----------



## win231

A guy is watching a football game on TV & he doesn’t like to be bothered. His wife tries to do the laundry but the washer isn’t working.
She tells her husband “Honey, the washer is not working.”
He says “Do I look like the Maytag Man?”
She calls a repairman. After the repairman fixes the washer, the wife wants to go shopping but the car won’t start.
She says to her husband “Honey, the car won’t start.”
He says “Do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?”
She tries to call a mechanic but there is no dial tone on the phone.
She says “Honey, the phone is dead.”
He says: “Do I look like AT&T?”
She calls a tow truck from the neighbor’s phone.
The wife is gone for several hours & by the time she returns home with the car, the football game is over.
Her husband says “Did you get the car fixed?”
The wife says “Yes, but after the mechanic fixed it, I realized I forgot my purse so I couldn’t pay him.  Instead of money, he said I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him.”
The husband says “Did he like the cake?”
The wife says, “Do I look like Betty Crocker?”


----------



## win231

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, who is deaf, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. When the Godfather confronts Guido about the missing $10 million, he brings his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him.”

Guido is scared and signs back, "OK. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."


----------



## Pappy




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## Pappy




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## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*Six-year-old kid checking out his mother’s ID card. Sex: F He laughs… 
Mom: What’s so funny about it? *
*Kid: I can’t believe you’re that terrible at sex that you failed at it.
The husband died laughing!!

*


----------



## papa tiger

_So Lil Johnny a private finishes his basic training and now is in AIT. (Advanced Infantry Training)
On the morning his platoon is preparing for war games and he falls into formation but his sergeant notices that he has forgotten his rifle. After chewing him out the Sergeant hands Lil Johnny a stick and tolls him when he see an enemy soldier on the battlefield to point his stick and yell out ”Bangity-bang bang”. Then he tolls Lil Johnny if he is close up with an enemy soldier to point the stick; thrust it forward and yell out “Stabity-stab stab.
Well needless to say that private Lil Johnny is amazed that after encountering dozens of enemy troops every one of them fell to the ground when he followed the sergeants instructions.
Lil Johnny is amazed that he is the last man standing on the field when all of a sudden from over the hill a lone soldier came walking towards him. Lil Johnny raises his stick and yells out “Bangity- bang bang” but nothing happens. He takes careful aim the next time but to no avail. The soldier just keeps walking toward him.
Lil Johnny then lowers his stick and thrusts it toward the soldier who is now only feet away from him.
He yells at the top of his lungs “Sabity-stab stab” But the enemy soldier just walks up to him and kicks him in the shins dropping Lil Johnny to the ground and then proceeds to just walk over him.
So, Lil Johnny now dazed and confused looks at the enemy soldier as he walks away and asks “who are you”?
The enemy soldier turns to look back at Lil Johnny, sighs, and quietly says “Tankity- tank tank._


----------



## iksentrik

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade..."


----------



## Sassycakes

*THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER *​*Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years.", he replies. The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow larger over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" -He lived... and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.*​


----------



## Sassycakes

*   A navy and army soldier walk into the toilet*
*They both take a piss into the urinal. As they exit, the army man goes toward the sinks to wash his hands, while the navy man goes straight for the door.
The army man says: "In the army, they taught us to wash our hands after peeing!"*
*to which the navy man replies: "In the navy, they taught us not to pee all over our hands!"*


----------



## Furryanimal

Please be advised that all persons planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation shelter, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. 

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that current legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act & Money Laundering Regulations. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.


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## papa tiger

Lil Johnny tells me that when he asks his wife where she'd like to go on vacation,
she says being his wife is like a vacation.
When I commented that was a nice thing to say,
Lil Johnny replies, "Well, actually, what she said is,  "You were the 'last resort."


----------



## iksentrik

DON'T MESS WITH A SENIOR

A senior lady headed to the bank to make a withdrawal. She handed her bank card to a bank cashier and said, “I would like to withdraw $10."

The cashier told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why …

The cashier returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter.

There is a line of customers behind you.”

The lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the cashier and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The cashier was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and told her, "You have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?"

The lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The cashier told her any amount up to $3,000.

“Well, please let me have $3,000 now”, the lady said.

The cashier then angrily went back to the vault retrieved stacks of $20’s and $10’s and spent the next ten minutes counting out $3,000.

“Is there anything else I can do for you today?” the teller asked sternly.

The lady put $10 in her purse and said, “Yes, I’d like to deposit $2,990 into my account.”


----------



## Pappy




----------



## Sassycakes

*A wife sent her husband a romantic text message... *
*She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are 
send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. 
If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. 
I love you”. *
*Her husband texted back: ” I’m on the toilet, please advise.”*


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## Sassycakes

*A pirate walks into the doctor’s office:*
*
Pirate: Doc you got to help, me ship’s steering wheel got stuck to me crotch.

Doctor: So, what’s the problem?
*
*Pirate: Doc…it’s driving me nuts!*


----------



## win231

An elderly blind man walks into a bar & orders whiskey.
He says to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The woman next to him says "Since you're blind, before you tell that joke, I should warn you about a few things:
I'm a 6 ft. tall blonde woman & I'm a professional fighter.
The bartender is a blonde girl & she has a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde man & he's 6'6".
The man sitting next to me is blonde & he's a professional bodybuilder.
The lady to your right is blonde & she's a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously.  Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man shakes his head & says, _"Not a chance.  I'm not going to waste my whole morning explaining it over & over."_


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## squatting dog




----------



## win231

A Blonde woman is speeding down the highway in her new sports car.  A female officer, also Blonde, pulls her over & asks to see her license.
The driver starts looking for her license & after some time, asks the officer:  "What does a driver's license look like?"
The officer says, "It's square shaped & has your picture on it."
The driver pulls out a compact mirror & hands it to the officer & says, "I think I found it."
The officer looks at the mirror & says, "I'm sorry.  I didn't realize you were an officer too," & lets her go.


----------



## Furryanimal

The optimist says, “the glass is half-full”
The pessimist says, “the glass is half-empty”
The engineer says, “the glass is twice as big as it needs to be”


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## Pappy




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## papa tiger

Murphy's Slaw:
If cabbage can go rotten, it will.


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## papa tiger

Lil Johnny is looking at greeting cards at a stationery store.
After a while the clerk gets curious and asks him,
"What are you looking for Lil Johnny ?"
" A Birthday greeting, get well message, anniversary or congratulations to your friend?"
Lil Johnny  thinks a bit on it, shakes his head and answers,  "No."
"How may I help you Lil Johnny," asks the Clerk?
"Got anything in the line of blank report cards," asks Lil Johnny!


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## papa tiger

Lil Johnny's out walking and he meets a dirty and shabby-looking homeless man
who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
Lil Johnny checks his Wallet, extracts ten dollars and asks,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replies.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Lil Johnny then asks him.
"No, I don't gamble," the poor man said.
"I need everything I can beg just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Lil Johnny says.
"Are you NUTS!" replies the filthy man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a loose woman instead of food?" Lil Johnnys then asks him .
"I can get a great disease for ten lousy bucks?" exclaims the Derelict!
"Well," says Lil Johnny, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The Panhandler is amazed. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing this?
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting, Lil Johnny !"
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like
after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."


----------



## papa tiger

A frog Hops into the bank. He goes to the only open teller Hops up and
sees that her name tag is Paddy. The frog Crokes, "I really need a loan!
I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving!
I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!"
Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and
asks him if he has any collateral. He hops up, holds out a small glass elephant.
Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure but
she feels so sorry for the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager.
Sir, "Paddy begins, "there is a frog out there who desperately needs a loan.
He's out of work, he's married and the Tadpoles who are at home are starving.
He needs some money so he can provide for them but
all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"
Well, the manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little and
replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"


----------



## papa tiger

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would
make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and
that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor.
She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey
for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.


----------



## papa tiger

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’


----------



## papa tiger

Our teacher asks what my favorite animal is and I say, "Fried chicken."
She says I'm not very funny but she can't have been right, everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth & I did.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
So I tells my dad what happened and 
he says my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, so my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
So I tells him what happened, and he laughed, too. 
Then he tells me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asks me
what my favorite live animal is.
I tells her it's Chicken. She asks me why, 
so I tells her it's because they become fried Chicken..
She sends me back to the principal's office.
He laughs again and tells me not to do it again.
I don't understand.  My parents taught me to be honest but
 my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asks us to tell her 
what famous person we admire most.
So, I tells her, "Colonel Sanders." 
You know where I am now don't you?....


----------



## Pappy




----------



## papa tiger

A skimpily dressed Hottie, a slick Chicagoan & a Simple Iowan
are walking casually down a street,
talking amongst themselves in their friendly manner.
The Wiccan Hotties cheesy smile.
The Greasy Chicagoan's tricky attitude and
The Iowa Farmers witty jokes / sarcasm and
they spot a tornado headed straight for them.
The Hottie In her Mini, spike heels and Halter top
reaches her arms frantically into the air,
"O Lord and Lady, she screams.
The hard Chicagoan falls down to his knees pleading,
"O Jesus help me, Jesus be with me & Am begging for mercy!"
The Iowan turns and runs to the Electric Pole and
grabs ahold of the ground tied cable,
yelling Yea-ha & Yahoo & "Oh Boy !" .....


----------



## papa tiger

Reminds me of Duct tape in TP's spot.


----------



## Ruthanne




----------



## Pappy




----------



## papa tiger

Once there was an old rich man who was afraid of dying and leaving all his wealth behind on earth. So, he took up the matter with God. He pleaded day and night to be able to take all his earthly possessions with him. Finally, God conceded. He said the man could take as much as he could fit in one suitcase. The old man immediately went out, bought a huge suitcase, sold all he owned and filled the suitcase with gold bars. Shortly after that, the old man died. Awkwardly dragging the big, heavy suitcase, he approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stopped him, asked him to open his luggage, and then told him he couldn't bring his gold bars into Heaven. The man was irate. "You don't understand," he said. "I got permission directly from God himself for this. He told me whatever I could fit into one suitcase, I could bring with me."St. Peter, shrugged his shoulders and simply said, "Fine with me. But we've already got plenty of pavement here."
Works only on Jan. 2, 2023


----------



## Paco Dennis




----------



## papa tiger

Best new years yet!   .....


----------



## papa tiger

A woman and Lil Johnny are involved in a car accident,
Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, This totally Hot Chick says,
"Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left
but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from God that
we should meet and be really good friends."
So; Lil Johnny thinking there may be a bright side to this,
replied, "I agree with you completely."
Lil Johnny then hands the Hottie a Bottle and says,
"Look at this, here's another miracle, its not broken.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Lets toast this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the awesomely fab hot Chick and
she nods her head in agreement takes a huge swig from the bottle and
then hands it back to the Lil Johnny. Lil Johnny thinks
on that a bit and says, "lets call Uber and
go to your place while the wreckers tow this junk."


----------



## Ruthanne




----------



## Sassycakes

*Talking Baby*
*

A Baby started talking as soon as he was born
The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?"
"Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!"
"Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?"
"Yes, I am!" says the doctor.
"Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery."
"You're very welcome," says the doctor.
The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?"
Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!"*
*The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. "How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn't it?"*


----------



## papa tiger

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"  Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.."  Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."  Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ...
 I'm married to his damn widow...


----------



## papa tiger

Lil Johnny is a newlywed and he wants to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's Lil Johnny, "Hi Sweetheart," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand."
"What's that, baby?" asks her Husband, Lil Johnny
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?" ..........
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




..........


----------



## Barefootgirl

Give it to me! Give it to me!" Monica yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, 
but Jeff was keeping the umbrella.


----------



## papa tiger

The owner in a lumber yard is interviewing people for a job in his lumber yard.
He has several applicants that day and none of them are particularly noteworthy
until Lil Johnny a blind man walks in. Obviously confused the owner says " um,
Lil Johnny how do you propose you can work in my lumber yard if you can't see?"
Well;  Lil Johnny replies, " Sir I can smell the different types of lumber easily!"
The owner doesn't believe this at all and has an employee bring
in some lumber for Lil Johnny to smell. The blind lil Johnny takes a sniff of the lumber,
asks it be flipped over and takes another sniff of the lumber and says "
that's a 2x6x10 of eastern white pine". The owner thinks to himself,
" okay that was just a lucky guess" and has someone bring in a different type of lumber.
So;  Lil Johnny sniffs it twice and replies " that's a 1x6X10 of western red cedar."
The owner's jaw drops. The owner then decides to mess with the blind Lil Johnny and
brings in His Secretary. Lil Johnny takes a sniff and says, " ugh"
then he asks that it be turned around and he takes another sniff and says,
" whew!!".  So Lil Johnny a Blind Man thinks for a minute and finally replies,
"You're messing with me, that's a Crapper door off a tuna boat!"


----------



## papa tiger

Lil Johnny enters the gameshow to win a million dollars..
The gameshow requires guessing the unknown using your five senses.
In round one, Lil Johonny sticks his hand into a covered box and
guesses what was inside by feel. Without hesitation he knows
it's seaweed and tinfoil. In round two, He is paired and has to guess
his partner's word or phrase in a game of charades. Luckily his partner is a Mime.
"What a lovely day to ride a carriage full of penguins", is the classic phrase.
In round three, by using his hearing alone, determine what object
was being dropped on the ground. Once again, Lil Johnny's keen senses
does not betrayed him and the distinct sound of hummus on concrete.
In round four, as you'd expect for a taste test, He is blindfolded and
tastes a prepared meal with bonus points for specificity.
Little could they have known that Lil Johnny was once a desperate student and
that peanut butter with rice on an ice cream cone was a familiar breakfast.
Lastly round five was smell... And where everything went horribly wrong.
The round started as normal. He had to guess three smells.
First smell. Diet sprite mixed with apricot marmalade.
Easy. Second smell. A walnut chewed by an otter and
spit out into a bowl of captain crunch. Child's play.
The last odor, well, Lil Johnny doesn't have a clue at first.
He has never experienced it before.
So; Lil Johnny starts to panic, his heart pounding,
panicking he notices a twitch in his arm. Wait.
He can't feel it or his left leg. Lil Johnny collapses to the ground and
utters four words, "I smell burnt Melba Toast", before passing out.
Lil Johnny wakes up in a hospital with a million dollars and congratulations.
Lil Johnny had a stroke of good luck. ......


----------



## Furryanimal

*On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death *


----------



## papa tiger

WELL; Lil Johnny, a Father of three is on his Deathbed
His Lil Wife Joan is there with him carrying for him.
So, Lil Johnny knows he is near his last breaths,
he struggles with each breath to say a word,
asks his Lil Wife Joan: "Shall - we - let - John - take - over - the -Family - business?" Coughs and choking sounds.
Lil Johnny's Wife Lil Joan says, "Jimmy's better in business, lets ask John to help run it." Well, Lil Johnny wheezes and coughs.
"OK," says Lil Johnny, " Lets - let - Jimmy - run - our - families - business - but hacks and coughs and hacks -should -we - let - the - F150 - go - to -Jack." cough, hack, cough & coughs and hacks. Lil Johnnys Lil Woman Joan replies, "But* John *is better at maintaining it." Let's let John have it." "OK," says Lil Johnny more wheezes and coughing and struggling with each word, " should -- we -- let -- Jack -- have -- our -- Ford -- Mustang?"
Lil Johnnys wife Joan answers, "Can he share it with Jimmy?"
Lil Johnny is caught up in a coughing spasm for many minutes but still has some game in him so after some more coughs, So
Well after resting for some minutes Lil Johnny last words were to Lil Wife Joan,
"What --- -----should ------ --I ---- ---- leave ---------- ------- for ------------- -------------- --------- Jack ?"


----------



## papa tiger

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. 
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the Blond wife stared at the woman’s lined face, 
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself – and to stop her mind racing.
She simply had to know.  She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked:
“Will I be acquitted?”


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## papa tiger

*On New Year's Eve Past, Marilyn
stands up in the local pub and
says that it's time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, every husband
should stand next to the one person
who makes his life worth living.
As the clock strikes 12,
the bartender gets rushed.
It's was sort of embarrassing!*


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## papa tiger

The Blond drives into a Mini Mall in a Volkswagen Beetle.
She gets out of the Car looking hot in her miniskirt, spike heels and halter top.
Popps open the rear hood, removes the Oil cap and her sunglasses and peers in.
proceeds to get water from the Windshield Washer Island
with her big gulp cup and pours it into the Oil filler
Soon a loud cracking sound comes from the motor of the VW.
All of us Guys from the Mart area collect around her at the car and she says,
"I saw an engine overheat on the dash and was putting water in the radiator."
As the oil leaks out of the motor onto the ground pooling around her Heels
All us guys can see are her gorgeous legs and most of us offer to take her home.
Her boyfriend came by later with the tow truck
it was his car and he had loaned it to her.
All of us standing there, well, We all wondered if their relationship lasted…


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## papa tiger

A couple of drinking’ Blonds, who are airplane mechanics,
are in the hanger at LAX; it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, “Have you got anything to drink?”
“Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel—that’ll really give you a buzz.”
So they do, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinking Blonds can.
The following morning, one of them wakes up and she knows
her head will explode if she gets up. But it doesn’t.
She gets up and feels good, in fact she feels great—no hangover!
The phone rings, it’s her Blond girlfriend.  She says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
She said, “I feel great!!”
And the Blond says, “I feel great too!! You don’t have a hangover?”
And she says “No—that jet fuel is great stuff—no hangover—we ought to do this more often.”
“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing....”
“What’s that?” “Did you fart yet?” “What?” “Did you fart yet?” “No...”
“Well, don’t, ’I just landed, I’m in Atlanta!!”


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## papa tiger

A group of Blonds walking toward the neighborhood bar,
when they come across a badly mangled dead body.
As they get closer, they see it's a Brunette.
A short distance up the road, they see another mangled Brunette
in the ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe.
They rush to her, cradled her bruised bleeding head and
ask her what had happened. "Well," She whispers,
"I was walking down this road, all Brunette to the teeth when I came across
this other Brunette in a Mini and Halter top. I looked her right in the eye and shouted,
"You're dressed just like me you Cheap Brunette piece of trash!"
"She shouted in my face, " Well Cheep-0, Your nothing but a Piece of trash too!"
"That's when the 18 wheeler over there
all jackknifed hit us standing in the middle of the road!"
Well; Then those Blonds See the truck there.
They rush to the Young Blond Driver,
give him Resuscitations and multiple mouth to mouth CPR saving a life.


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## papa tiger

The Blond is in the check out at Sam's 
with 2- 20 lb. bags of dog food in her cart.
Her Preacher sees her and says 
"Sister I didn't know you had a dog".
Well the Blond says " I don't, 
this is for my husband, he loves it".
Her Preacher says, " you've got to stop feeding
 that to him, it's gonna kill him".
The Blond thinks about that and says,
"he's been eating it for years".
About a month later the Blond sees her the preacher.
"I need to arrange a funeral." 
He says " it's your husband isn't it"!
"Yes it's for him," the frustrated Blond replies.
"I told you that dog food would kill him."
Then the Blond thinks and says,
 "That's not what killed him."
"He was laying in the road licking his Arss and a car hits him!"


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## Sassycakes

*      A  Guy walked up to a beautiful woman in  a bar and asked her: “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” “That depends on how personal it is.” she replied. “Okay,” he said, “How many men have you slept with?” “I’m certainly not going to tell you that! That’s my business!” she replied. “Sorry,” he said.
 “I didn’t realize you make a living off it.”*


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## papa tiger

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops the Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the LEO asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood,
thinks he might just give the biker a break and writes him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The LEO then asks, What's your last name?" The Biker than says,
"I used to have a last name but lost it." Well, the LEO thinks that he has a nut case on his hands
but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree,
so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor,
so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through School, got my degree,
so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry,
so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD,
so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out
about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,
so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'


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## papa tiger

The really Hot dressed Blond is hard up for money,
So, She stands at the corner with a sign,
Can work for $100 ! so she walked around with
her Sign, back and forth Blond, hot & dressed to kill,
well, She has it all together & intends to find a job paying up.
She entices Lil Johnny, 'the man' who says I will give you work.
"I need my Porch Painted white & all you do is paint it.
Here is a bucket of paint, brush and rag" So he goes on.
Later Lil Johnny gets back, parks his F150 in the Alley
behind his House & walks into the Kitchen, chuckles and
tells his brunette wife Who is Pouring Wine,
fixing Steaks & Baked Potatoes,
what he has paid to paint the front porch.
"Lil Johnny, the porch covers half of the house!
You're getting it done really cheap!"
Three hours later, the blonde is at the side door,
dressed in Hot pants, halter top and 6" heals,
wanting her $100 while giving the brush back to Lil Johnny!
Lil Johnny, The Man, gives her the Cash, $$$, then asks,
"how did you paint it so quickly?"
"It takes time, but it was easy." the Wet Sweaty Blond replies.
The Blond so very Hot, skimpily dressed with her 6" heals,
Swings her head, blond hair waving free says,
"Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."


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## papa tiger

So We're at Mamas & Papas grocery.
So, we get meat, coffee, Eggs, Bacon, Broccoli,
all the usual stuff, TP, Pet food, Treats etc. finally  
I bought a head of lettuce, go thru the self checkout
bag all the stuff up, load it in Turbos and take it all home.    
We're inside putting all of the Stuff away when I get to 
the head of lettuce, All the leaves are brown.


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## Nemo2

papa tiger said:


> So We're at Mamas & Papas grocery.
> So, we get meat, coffee, Eggs, Bacon, Broccoli,
> all the usual stuff, TP, Pet food, Treats etc. finally
> I bought a head of lettuce, go thru the self checkout
> bag all the stuff up, load it in Turbos and take it all home.
> We're inside putting all of the Stuff away when I get to
> the head of lettuce, All the leaves are brown.


And I'll bet the sky was gray.  Did you get down on your knees?


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## Gardenlover

If Apple makes a car, will it have windows?


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