# By Invitation Only. Formalities Please. Casual No Longer Good Enough



## WhatInThe (Apr 25, 2018)

Family member's senior best friend/companion for well over a decade always treated as a spouse at family birthdays, occasions, meals etc now wants their own individual invitation to them and is miffed the rest of the rest of the family doesn't call/contact them in between events. They're looking for something that is simply not there.

To be honest the person is uppity, and does not handle different opinions or methods too well but were always accepted and/or assumed they would be the plus one. Apparently that's not good enough anymore. Do others want to hang out with them;no. 

Apparently they haven't mellowed with age to say the least.


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## Shalimar (Apr 25, 2018)

My goodness, someone is not ageing well. WhatInThe, sounds like a cheap attempt at control, perhaps this person feels less relevant as they grow older, and they are trying to get your family to pick up the slack. I know how amazed I was when an 

aunt who was an outlier in my life for decades, suddenly expected me to take her out for outings when she became homebound. The relationship was not there. It seems the plus one is not a particularly pleasant person, neither was my aunt. Old age does not automatically entitle you to special treatment.


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## Robusta (Apr 25, 2018)

My sisters daughter suddenly started that crap.   We have about 5 dates in the family that we have always gotten together. Some date back two hundred years.  As long as I have been alive there have been no invitations issued.  You just knew as part of the family that you were expected. Last Memorial Day my niece didn't show mind you she is 27 and had never missed.  No one had asked her!


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## Aunt Bea (Apr 25, 2018)

IMO the family member's best friend is a plus one and should not receive an invitation unless they are specifically being invited to the event.

In Robusta's example, I would not attend unless I was invited by the person hosting the annual get-together. Not a formal invitation but a phone call or an email as a reminder of the date and some instruction on what to bring, time, etc...


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## Butterfly (Apr 26, 2018)

Some people look for reasons to be offended.


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## WhatInThe (May 1, 2018)

Robusta said:


> My sisters daughter suddenly started that crap.   We have about 5 dates in the family that we have always gotten together. Some date back two hundred years.  As long as I have been alive there have been no invitations issued.  You just knew as part of the family that you were expected. Last Memorial Day my niece didn't show mind you she is 27 and had never missed.  No one had asked her!



That's how this goes. Who ever is holding or arranging the event, dinner, party etc spreads the word by mouth/phone etc. Almost like a phone tree with people calling other family and friends to give them details. And never did a table setting have to be put out at the last minute or extra chair or larger table have to be ordered at a restaurant because this person showed up. They were always accounted for. At those events they are treated like family.

To be honest there are already issues including they are a hoarder, their own family has all but ignored/banished them over the last decade or so. They must always win an argument and carried a grudge for a year over a alcohol fueled "debate" during a holiday dinner. They get upset if they think you are talking about them. You can jokingly tell them we always talk behind your back you can see the steam and anger coming out of their ears. It really bothers them they can't control or don't know another's opinion. They were not directly insulted or called a name yet you might as well have called them a witch in a public square during the 1700s.


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## WhatInThe (Jun 9, 2018)

The person in the OP is still seeking special attention. After they expressed they were not going to various events, gatherings etc without a direct invitation they are mad a several people for not calling them at the last minute asking one last time did they change their mind about attending. This after not talking to anyone involved for over a week and refusing other last minute invitations to other events, gatherings etc.


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## hollydolly (Jun 9, 2018)

WhatInThe said:


> The person in the OP is still seeking special attention. After they expressed they were not going to various events, gatherings etc without a direct invitation they are mad a several people for not calling them at the last minute asking one last time did they change their mind about attending. This after not talking to anyone involved for over a week and refusing other last minute invitations to other events, gatherings etc.




How sad that this person has suddenly taken this route after all these years. ..and to think of all the people who live _alone _who would love to have an open invitation to family gatherings... but some people just have to have all the attention


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## Shalimar (Jun 9, 2018)

WhatInThe said:


> The person in the OP is still seeking special attention. After they expressed they were not going to various events, gatherings etc without a direct invitation they are mad a several people for not calling them at the last minute asking one last time did they change their mind about attending. This after not talking to anyone involved for over a week and refusing other last minute invitations to other events, gatherings etc.


I am wondering if this person’s shift in behaviour is truly about invitations? Seems to me that may be just a smokescreen, an opportunity to complain, to vent deep seated anger about who knows what? A temper looking for a tantrum?


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## Giantsfan1954 (Jun 9, 2018)

Wondering if this could be the beginnings of dementia? 
There are frequently personality changes in the beginning that leave others baffled. 
If this person has always been a PITA then just disregard.


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## maplebeez (Jul 31, 2018)

Our family's twenty & thirty somethings ignore or toss mailed invitations, respond to email/texted invites if they might show up, no response to a email/text invite means they're not coming & all of their other plans for social activities with friends are made on Facebook.


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## Keesha (Jul 31, 2018)

A temper looking for a tantrum. Oh I’ve never heard it put that way. 
That is  a great saying. I think I will scoop that one thank you. 



It could be early signs of Dementia or just plain spiteful.


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## maplebeez (Jul 31, 2018)

Then there are people like my sister's BFF who uses that tired "My (adult) boys are away & I'm here by myself," excuse, which gets my sister to bring her along to family get-together's. And from the moment she walks in she complains about everything from the way the home is decorated, to the food then calls our relatives are "snooty."  I understand why her boys are always away!


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## WhatInThe (Nov 15, 2018)

*Round II-vent alert*

After not seeing or talking anyone from the family for over 6 months except for one they again get upset because we mention T day dinner this week. Screamed they needed more advanced noticed and got into a diatribe about not getting personal invitations, berating our family, boasting about hers(the same distant relatives that might only see them a few times a decade or call a few times a year) They even had other people put on the phone to scream at them and called back saying they weren't through yet. 

To top it off their hoarding came back on them. Their home was condemned and now is in their last chance to clean it up & out. Also after years of complaining about untreated health issues people going over to help them have found  things like unemptied cups of urine along with complaints they can't get out of bed. I even told them with all that's going on in their life many assumed they weren't going to make it.-Keep in mind they already declined several other holidays and events over the last year along with not seeing or treating people in family like poop. They screamed that was their decision to make which we acknowledged but they still found out. It's that expectation of a personalized invitation after 20 years like nothing even happened over the last year.

This is the very tip of the iceberg as well. Facing legal eviction with notices and multiple government agencies has not sped them up either. They micro manage everything going on in their home. Every single scrap of paper wether a magazine or post-it must be read by them even though it was found at the bottom of dirt/dust pile that's been there for years. 

Personally I judge or value people on what they do year round, not what they do or don't do for a holiday or special event. This is the most frustrating thing because family including myself has answered their calls throughout the year with no associated holiday. They don't seem to pick up on that. Who's there year round/ 24-7, not just the holidays.


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