# Siblings - Are you close or estranged or neutral?



## Cookie (Mar 5, 2015)

How do you get along with your siblings?  Is it better as you got older or is it still the same old stuff?


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## Catraoine (Mar 5, 2015)

I don't have any but my husband does and he has no contact with them whatsoever.  Life is so much more peaceful.


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## tnthomas (Mar 5, 2015)

Brother and I are 8 years apart in age(he the older); it's always good when we get together but we just aren't close.


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## DoItMyself (Mar 5, 2015)

I have almost no contact with my only sibling (a sister) and I prefer to keep it that way.

She chose a path of drugs, and sponged money from my parents for years (even when they were elderly).  When I took over my dad's finances last year after my mother passed I put a stop to it.  She had a fit when her handouts stopped, but I can't and won't abide an able bodied adult who continues to live off elderly parents.

My sister is able bodied and just 52 years old.  She has had ample opportunity, including an offer from me to pay for any level of education that she wanted, but she chose (and continues to choose) a lifestyle that shirks personal responsibility.  I've also offered to pay for any and all rehab that she feels she needs, but again she prefers to continue down the self destructive path.

You can't help every puppy in the pound.


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## Butterfly (Mar 5, 2015)

My sis and I get along all right now, after being estranged for many years.  We are just very different people.


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## Ameriscot (Mar 6, 2015)

My relationships with my 3 siblings have gotten much better as we got older. All 3 have visited here in Scotland. I visit for a month every year and we've taken a lot of holidays together.


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## Kitties (Mar 6, 2015)

I haven't spoken to my oldest brother (11 years older than me) in over 30 years. When I was a kid he was a bit of this older wonder to me.

My other brother who is 2 years older than me lives on the opposite coast. I can say as we have gotten older we are much less close. In a lot of ways I find it difficult to talk to him either via e mail or on the phone.


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## Laurie (Mar 6, 2015)

Totally estranged.

Haven't spoken to my sister for  40 years, or my brother for fifty.

Thoroughly unpleasant people who I certainly wouldn't choose as friends.


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## Warrigal (Mar 6, 2015)

I don't know how to interpret 'close'. My little sister lives 500 miles away in Queensland and we don't talk on the phone all that often but I love her deeply. I would sacrifice much to help her out if she needed me. Is that closeness?


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## QuickSilver (Mar 6, 2015)

I haven't seen my male sibling (notice I won't say "brother)  in 11 years.   AND I may add...  never will again..  hopefully.


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## Ralphy1 (Mar 6, 2015)

I am surprised by the the number of responses about estrangement.  I have three older sisters and we were all pretty close over the years when time and circumstance allowed.  Now two are in facilities for dementia and the youngest one, who I was closest to, I speak to once a week...


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## Vivjen (Mar 6, 2015)

Close? One lives 400 miles away, the other 12000 miles away.
but I do see them every so often; they are my siblings, am am the eldest, so I will always be there for them if they need me...and when I see my brother, it is as if we had never been apart!


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## Ken N Tx (Mar 6, 2015)

I am the last of 5...

I had lost contact, due to moves by both of us, and tried to contact (over 30 years!) my youngest brother to no avail. We have a very common last name and searching the web did not help.

One day out of the blue his daughter contacted me, after an extensive search, and informed me that he was dying and wanted info on where our parents where buried. He wanted his ashes to be buried with them. I got to speak with him shortly, because he was too weak to talk, and he passed away about 4 hours later..

That experience brought my niece and nephews back into our family!!


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## Ameriscot (Mar 6, 2015)

How sad for you, Ken.  I find it very sad the number of you who are estranged from your sibling(s).  

My siblings and I have 12 years between the oldest and youngest.  I'm second. Two girls then two boys.  My sister and I always had issues but now we are close even though we are so different in many ways.  We argue a bit but we always talk.  We often Skype and it usually lasts about 1 1/2 hours.  We (hubby and I) stay with my brother and sister when we visit family - normally two weeks at each one's house.  My son doesn't really have room.  The other brother lives in another state, and my hubby, sister and I will be going to visit him this Sept. and do the historic tourist stuff in New England. 

Our parents are both gone, as are most of the other relatives who are a generation ahead of us. Only one left is an aunt.  

My husband is the oldest of five and he is close to two of them.  One died and the other is a total asshole.


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## Pappy (Mar 6, 2015)

I have 3 half brothers and one half sister. We really don't keep in close touch. I try to visit my brother up north at least once a year.


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## LogicsHere (Mar 6, 2015)

I have one sister and she calls pretty much every day.  The only problem is it's always about her lack of money and her indirectly nagging at me to give her mine or our mothers. I'm annoyed because I've given her 1/5th of my retirement money in the last 6 years. and still she can't manage her bills thanks to her lazy 28 year old daughter whose bills I am actually paying.  And while I would miss her if she stopped calling, there are times I wish I didn't have a sister that was such a money pit.  Thanks to her I haven't put any money in my own savings for that period of time . . . I've worked only to support her family and I think it's grossly unfair. Yet, I couldn't have let her live out on the street either.  Does anyone want to adopt her?


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## QuickSilver (Mar 6, 2015)

I have learned... money makes people do very bad things... even to family.  I always believed my male sibling to be a fairly good person.. however, when my father died he never told me..  and my father was dead and buried two weeks before an insurance company contacted me to tell me... I never got the closure I deserved.  My male sibling also worked diligently, at the end of my fathers life, to convince him to make HIM his sole heir, cutting me completely off without a penny.     

Very sad... and what's even sadder is that the money really was nothing to me... Not a huge amount.. it was the betrayal of trust that I will never forgive..One always thinks of family as people who stick together even when the chips are down.. However, I've learned.. not when money is involved. Family loyalty flies out the window.


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## Ameriscot (Mar 6, 2015)

That's so sad, QS.  What a betrayal.  I'd be outraged!  

My mom died first and when my dad died his inheritance was split equally between the four of us.


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## rkunsaw (Mar 6, 2015)

I have one sister and one brother. I'm not close to either of them, especially my brother. I'm closer to my sister's kids, my nephew and niece, than I am my own daughter but seldom see them except on facebook.

My wife has two daughters and a son still living. We keep in touch with them but the distance keeps us from visiting very often.


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## QuickSilver (Mar 6, 2015)

Well.. it originally was... BUT much can be done to "poison the well" so to speak... especially if the person is old and an alcoholic as my father was.  My male sibling saw and opportunity and took it.   I'm sure that will be the only money he will have as he has never been one to manage money well..  So Bless his slimy little soul...  BUT I sure would have loved to see my dad one last time and gone to his hospital bed before he died.   I never will have that chance now.  THAT is the sad part.. not the money.  May he choke on every last penny.


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## Jackie22 (Mar 6, 2015)

I have one brother and we are close, I know I can depend on him if I ever need help, he was the first person I called when my husband died.


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## Bullie76 (Mar 6, 2015)

My brother passed away in 2005. We were fairly close. His family lived about 150 miles away and we would all spend time together.


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## Debby (Mar 6, 2015)

LogicsHere said:


> I have one sister and she calls pretty much every day.  The only problem is it's always about her lack of money and her indirectly nagging at me to give her mine or our mothers. I'm annoyed because I've given her 1/5th of my retirement money in the last 6 years. and still she can't manage her bills thanks to her lazy 28 year old daughter whose bills I am actually paying.  And while I would miss her if she stopped calling, there are times I wish I didn't have a sister that was such a money pit.  Thanks to her I haven't put any money in my own savings for that period of time . . . I've worked only to support her family and I think it's grossly unfair. Yet, I couldn't have let her live out on the street either.  Does anyone want to adopt her?




Sounds like an emotional 'rock and a hard place' for you LogicsHere.  It's going to be a struggle for you to decide what to do I'm sure.

I'm totally estranged from my sister (over 30 years since we last spoke).  My mom still dutifully makes a point of contacting her once a month or something, but my understanding from my mom is that it's always a tough experience because my sister still has the same chip on her shoulder that she had when she was a teen.  So I don't miss the contact at all.


PS:  LogicsHere, if you really want to adopt her out, don't tell folks she 'ain't housebroke'    Good luck figuring out what to do.


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## Ameriscot (Mar 6, 2015)

QuickSilver said:


> Well.. it originally was... BUT much can be done to "poison the well" so to speak... especially if the person is old and an alcoholic as my father was.  My male sibling saw and opportunity and took it.   I'm sure that will be the only money he will have as he has never been one to manage money well..  So Bless his slimy little soul...  BUT I sure would have loved to see my dad one last time and gone to his hospital bed before he died.   I never will have that chance now.  THAT is the sad part.. not the money.  May he choke on every last penny.



It's unforgivable that you didn't get to say goodbye to your dad.


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## QuickSilver (Mar 6, 2015)

Ameriscot said:


> It's unforgivable that you didn't get to say goodbye to your dad.



yes... I can forgive the money... but never that.


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## Cookie (Mar 6, 2015)

I have one older sister, who lives on the other side of the country.  After no contact for about 20 years, we began to communicate on the phone after my parents died.  We are very different in nature, life experiences and circumstances -- She and her husband are very well off and can afford to do things I can't, so we really don't have much in common and there are still issues floating around from childhood. Also there were problems during the settling of my parents estate which left some bad feelings. So in spite of efforts to maintain contact on both our parts, our relationship is rather stiff, we really can't speak openly about anything and there are still unresolved resentments in the background.


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## Glinda (Mar 6, 2015)

I have one older brother and two younger.  I'm close to both the younger ones.  None of us are close to the older one, though we do trade occasional emails and phone calls.  We've all learned the hard way that he can't be trusted.


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## Temperance (Mar 6, 2015)

Estranged from older brother since 1997.  Lost my mother due to cancer and have always felt I lost my brother due to greed.


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## avrp (Mar 6, 2015)

I have 9 siblings, living all over the country. I don't live close to any of them. I stay in contact with all five of my sisters...we are close. My brothers...the boys, well they just aren't much for talking or keeping in touch. I initiate contact through email and get a two sentence reply lol. 
One of my sisters is difficult. We have been estranged a few times but have always managed to come back to each other. She lives across the country. She was just dx with advanced colon cancer. I want to see her before she she looks death warmed over. That phrase may sound cruel but the one and only time I saw a person like that, I was physically ill for a week and I had never even met the guy. He was a relative of a co-worker. 
Anyway, since both our parents are gone, my siblings have become even closer.


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## AZ Jim (Mar 6, 2015)

My brother and I have a arms distance relationship.  Telephone about once a month.


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## Josiah (Mar 6, 2015)

From all the stories I've heard, I have mixed feelings about my only child status.


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## Cookie (Mar 6, 2015)

http://www.education.com/reference/article/influences-sibling-relationships/

I think it's sad that so many of us have had difficulties with brothers and sisters and my theory is that our parents just didn't have the tools that parents have today to teach kids how to interact with each other.  I often wonder if reading about and knowing about sibling relationships and birth order helps at all with dealing with and improving adult sibling relationships.  Or is it better to just let go and let be.  

Josiah, my son is an only child and hasn't had to deal with sibling rivalry and has always had a good time with friends and family alike, so I agree, there is something to be said for being an only child.


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## QuickSilver (Mar 6, 2015)

I wondering if it really isn't the norm.. after all, our siblings may share part of our DNA but they are completely different from us.. not unlike the person next door or the guy on the street.  Also, if there is a big age gap..( My sibling is 12 years younger)  there is less in common.  He and I didn't grow up together and he was only six when I left home.  So he didn't have any particular loyalty to me.  Although I certainly wish he had some basic human compassion... sadly he does not.

My own two sons are only 2 years apart and they aren't particularly close.  They seldom talk by phone and only see each other because they both come to see me.  I fear that when I am gone, they will never see one another... One thing I have made sure of.. all assets will be fairly divided to avoid fights over money.. but I cannot make them be closer than they are.  It is what it is.


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## Ameriscot (Mar 6, 2015)

Josiah09 said:


> From all the stories I've heard, I have mixed feelings about my only child status.



When I was a kid I wished I was an only child.  But now I'm very glad for my siblings - all of them.

My husband only had one child - a daughter.  She now has a son who is nearly 3 and both she and her husband say he will remain an only child.  They have absolutely no desire for a second.  So I guess she didn't feel deprived being an only child.


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## Cookie (Mar 6, 2015)

I used to wish for another one or two, especially a brother. My sister was a bit too old to play with me, so I became friends with my cousins.


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## AprilT (Mar 6, 2015)

I was very close to all but one of my siblings, I would have given my life for any of them.  They left me with the one sibling that I am not very close to though he and I love each other and do care and are supportive of each other, we are extremely different in the way we live and view the world so though we communicate, I like that we live far apart from one another, I would strangle him if we were in the same vicinity.  He was the baby of the family and he milked it then and still tries, I was the only one not having it and that irks him as much as his entitlement mentality irks me.  grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

But, for the most part, my siblings and I enjoyed each other's company very much, no arguing at holiday gatherings, when I lived in the same state, we often spent weekends together.  My sisters were my heros.  Don't get me wrong, we had our differences at times, but, there was never a time when we weren't there for each other.  I miss them and I know no other people could ever love and understand me the way they did. There's a huge empty spot in my heart soul without them in my life.


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 6, 2015)

Neutral, of my three older siblings, only one has lived long enough to become a senior.  My sister and I exchange birthday and Christmas cards, call each other a couple of times a year, send an email if something of note happened, but visit each other rarely.  We never lived close together, but our lifestyles are different, even if she lived near, we wouldn't be everyday buddies.  All of us got along well as young kids, no fighting or hatred.


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## Falcon (Mar 6, 2015)

My only sibling, a sister (2 years older), passed away several years ago, but we always got along just fine. She had her friends and I had mine...and we often intermingled.


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## Debby (Mar 6, 2015)

I think what this thread shows is that you can pick your friends, but you don't pick your relatives (and sometimes you go through life feeling like you've been stuck with them).  Sometimes you're lucky and your brothers/sisters are your best friends and other times there is absolutely nothing there.  Oh well....find a good friend is all I can say.


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## Cookie (Mar 6, 2015)

Debby said:


> I think what this thread shows is that you can pick your friends, but you don't pick your relatives (and sometimes you go through life feeling like you've been stuck with them).  Sometimes you're lucky and your brothers/sisters are your best friends and other times there is absolutely nothing there.  Oh well....find a good friend is all I can say.



Absolutely true, Debbie. It really blows apart the concepts and expectations of 'family' for many of us. I consider those who have good relationships with siblings very lucky indeed.


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## QuickSilver (Mar 6, 2015)

Debby said:


> I think what this thread shows is that you can pick your friends, but you don't pick your relatives (and sometimes you go through life feeling like you've been stuck with them).  Sometimes you're lucky and your brothers/sisters are your best friends and other times there is absolutely nothing there.  Oh well....find a good friend is all I can say.



So much truth in that...   When my late husband died, I was supported and comforted a million times more by my fellow nurse friends than any of my family.  I got the feeling my family was "uncomfortable" with being around me..  almost like widowhood was catching...  and not only that.. never wanted me to talk about out or show emotion, and expected me to keep a "stiff upper lip"     My friends were different.. and wonderful, they allowed me to do what I had to do and say what I had to say without judgment.


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## Mrs. Robinson (Mar 6, 2015)

There are 5 of us-I am the fourth-born. My brother is the oldest,followed by 4 girls. My brother and oldest sister are 11 and 13 years older than me-16 and 18 years older than my younger sister. Our parents really spread us out lol. 

My brother and I are very,very close and have been since our Dad passed away in 1984. He and my SIL come to visit frequently (they live about 3 hours drive away) My younger sister and I are very,very close and her husband and mine are as well-he is the brother that my husband "adopted" since one of his has passed and the other he is not the least bit close to. In fact,they are looking to buy a place here near us within the next year. 

As for my other two sisters,we are close but one shows dogs and that`s her life and it doesn`t even leave her much time to spend with her husband-nevermind her siblings. And my oldest sis is very,very involved in The Tea Party and has no time for family either now. We still get together once or twice a year but it`s not like it used to be.

 Back in December,my brother`s wife was very,very ill and in intensive care. The doctors said there was no hope so we all immediately traveled from our respective homes and gathered there. We spent most of the day in a waiting room/lounge just talking and catching up and keeping my brother occupied (his wife was not conscious). We actually had a blast that day. Thankfully,my SIL survived so I can always keep that day in my memory bank as a great day with my siblings.


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## Victor (Mar 6, 2015)

My sister is older than her, has no drug problem, is a college graduate and still will not get a real job--and gets angry if it is mentioned.
She takes thousands from my aged mother.


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## jujube (Mar 6, 2015)

I get along very well with all my sisters.  Two of them I am very close to....we're highly involved in each other's lives, even though one of them lives so far away that any farther and we'd fall into our respective oceans.   The other three I love dearly but don't have a lot in common with.  The two I'm close to, however, aren't overly fond of each other and that leaves me in the middle, unfortunately.


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## MarciKS (Apr 25, 2021)

Given the definition of estranged I can say that me and the baby brother are estranged.


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