# What would you do?



## debbie in seattle (Mar 2, 2017)

Need some opinions on this, thanks in advance.   

We are going to visit one of our kids in Az and thought we'd drive down to see my sis and husband who winter in south Texas.   To get there, it will consist of driving 600 miles a day and spending the money on hotels, gas and food  etc to get there.   Then we turn around and do the same back to our daughters place.    I got an email from my sis that the day we're supposed to arrive,  they are going to Mexico and could we a) come and day earlier or b) if not, they'll leave their place opened and we can wait for them to get home.   We'd have to change our hotel ressies and just sit in their place until they showed up.    Also, on Thursday night they have volunteered to cook at the every Thursday night burger/hot dog get together.    I'm hurt over that one, we're there 3 1/2 days only.    Haven't seen them in 3 years.      What would you do?


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## Shalimar (Mar 2, 2017)

Sadly, I think your sister is telling you everything you need to know regarding where you rank on her hierarchy of importance. I think I would make my excuses, forgo that trip, and spend time with your daughter.


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## Wren (Mar 2, 2017)

Personally, I wouldn't go, I'd spend the time and money saved on relaxing, enjoying your holiday and focus on having a fabulous time with your daughter ...


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 2, 2017)

I agree with Shalimar about just visiting your daughter and enjoying yourself.  I don't know how long your sister knew about this Mexico trip, but it's seems like a last minute email to me, very inconsiderate.  Also, if they can't cancel their hot dog get together, it sounds like this visit will be more hassle, expense and aggravation than it's worth for you.  I know you're disappointed, but maybe you can just encourage her to come and visit you when she's not so busy.  I would just have an easy going trip to Arizona to see your girl and have fun.


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## Ina (Mar 2, 2017)

Hello Debbie, Sometimes things just don't work out.  I can understand that you might be upset about the situation.  I would decide that maybe my sister was having some issues in her life at this time, and  I wouldn't let it hurt me.  

If you love your sister, then I'd be pretty sure that she loves you as well.  I would give her some space for awhile, and maybe suggest that when she gets some time, she could visit you.

Use the money you that would have spent on the trip to your sister's place to add a little extra zing to your visit to your children.


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## Aunt Bea (Mar 2, 2017)

I wouldn't go out of my way to make it work, you've made a genuine effort to reach out to your sister and that's what matters.

Don't read anything into it, enjoy your vacation and the time with your daughter.


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## Warrigal (Mar 2, 2017)

Yes, let your sister know that it isn't going to work out this time and just visit your daughter.
Perhaps another trip some time in the future just to see her or make it a little tour there and back so that you really enjoy the break.


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## RadishRose (Mar 2, 2017)

I wouldn't go.  

Hope it works out for you!


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## Kitties (Mar 3, 2017)

Make sure you are very nice to your sister no matter what your decision.


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## Debby (Mar 3, 2017)

I'm in agreement with folks here.  Just accept it, don't let it tear you up because that would only tear open a new and larger wound. Enjoy the visit with your daughter and don't waste time driving to your sisters because you'll just sit there and fume which will make the whole thing far worse.

I think sometimes we create our own mental anguish by expecting things of people that are just beyond their ability or not part of their lifestyle.  Expect nothing, you'll seldom have hurt feelings and when someone 'blesses you', it's like a gift for you to appreciate and enjoy.


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## nvtribefan (Mar 3, 2017)

Did you check with your sister prior to making your own travel plans to see if she had previous plans?  If not, change your reservations.  It's easier to change hotel reservations than flights to Mexico.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Mar 3, 2017)

I wouldn't go. I have noticed this happening more and more. We use to bend over backwards when friends and relatives visited and we still do because I think it is the right thing to do and I was brought up that way. I have actually gone with a family member to a doctors appointment that could have easily been changed,grocery shopping,the pediatrician,and one time a family member spent half the day watering his lawn. One thing that drives me nuts is to have the TV set on while company is around. I had my hubby move the TV set to our sitting room for that reason. The hubby would turn it on and that was the end of conversation. Today most folks can record what they want to watch anyway.


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## debbie in seattle (Mar 3, 2017)

nvtribefan said:


> Did you check with your sister prior to making your own travel plans to see if she had previous plans?  If not, change your reservations.  It's easier to change hotel reservations than flights to Mexico.



Yes, the dates have been set for at least 3 months and she knew.


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 3, 2017)

debbie in seattle said:


> Yes, the dates have been set for at least 3 months and she knew.



That would settle it in my mind Debbie, just eliminate her part of your trip and remain on good terms with her.  Maybe a future visit together where she would travel to see you would be nice.  What does your daughter say?  I think she'd probably agree with the folks here.


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## Falcon (Mar 3, 2017)

KISS    Visit your daughter.  Your sister is too full of travel problems.


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## debbie in seattle (Mar 3, 2017)

Thanks everyone, what can I say to her so as to not start a big war?     I know what I'd like to say, but that'd be the end of our relationship.     She is the only family I have left besides my daughter and husband.


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## Butterfly (Mar 3, 2017)

I agree with cancelling the visit to your sis.

As to what to say, I'd just say it doesn't look like it is going to work out this this time and you won't be coming, and leave it there.  You don't owe her a complicated, emotional explanation.

Clearly, she doesn't care as much about your feelings as you do about hers.  IMHO, if they really cared about your visit, they'd alter their schedule to accommodate your visit, first off because they cared about spending time with you, and secondly, because you would be spending quite a bit of time, money and effort to come see her.


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## Kitties (Mar 3, 2017)

Actually it doesn't really sound like she has much interest in seeing you. E mail her and let her know, be nice and make sure she understands the problem is with you.


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## jujube (Mar 3, 2017)

I'm with the "skip the sis" school of thought.


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## RadishRose (Mar 3, 2017)

If telling the truth results in a big war and loss of the relationship and these results are not what you want to happen, I wouldn't be above telling a lie as to why you're not going.

Which is more important?

I tend to feel that, at this stage of our lives it might be better to tell the lie, spare the feelings and keep the relationship if you want it. It's not impossible but people our age don't change easily.

Say there is car trouble, some one feels too ill for the long trip-anything. Tell no one. I know it's dishonest but when you said "big war" it just feels like you already know what will happen if you're truthful and you don't want to lose her.


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## nvtribefan (Mar 3, 2017)

debbie in seattle said:


> Yes, the dates have been set for at least 3 months and she knew.



Well, if she agreed to your plans, then changed hers, I would just skip the visit to her this time.


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## Debby (Mar 3, 2017)

I would just say something like, "you know sis, it seems that we just got our plans a little out of kilter here, so why don't you just enjoy the holiday you planned and we'll enjoy the extra time with 'daughter' and maybe in a couple months we'll try it again".  You can add, "maybe second time is a charm and then we can have a nice unhurried visit".  

That way you have given her an out, but you are the one extending the olive branch so you come out of this smelling like a rose, and who knows, maybe some degree of personal guilt over this mix up will start percolating in her and she might even offer to be the one to make the trip to see you!  

Sometimes being the bigger person is a pain at the moment, but down the road, when you look back on it, you can feel good about how you handled an awkward situation.  

Anyway, that's what I would do.  Whatever your decision, hope it works out to your satisfaction.


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## debbie in seattle (Mar 4, 2017)

I sent her a 'chatty' email and in the middle of it all, said it looked as if they were really busy during our visit and after talking it over, decided to postpone our visit to another time so that we could enjoy our time together when they weren't so busy.    Haven't heard back.  :hurt:


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## Aunt Bea (Mar 4, 2017)

debbie in seattle said:


> I sent her a 'chatty' email and in the middle of it all, said it looked as if they were really busy during our visit and after talking it over, decided to postpone our visit to another time so that we could enjoy our time together when they weren't so busy.    Haven't heard back.  :hurt:



Sounds like an honest, diplomatic way to handle it!!!


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## Debby (Mar 4, 2017)

debbie in seattle said:


> I sent her a 'chatty' email and in the middle of it all, said it looked as if they were really busy during our visit and after talking it over, decided to postpone our visit to another time so that we could enjoy our time together when they weren't so busy.    Haven't heard back.  :hurt:




Sounds like you took the high road and good for you!


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## Butterfly (Mar 4, 2017)

debbie in seattle said:


> I sent her a 'chatty' email and in the middle of it all, said it looked as if they were really busy during our visit and after talking it over, decided to postpone our visit to another time so that we could enjoy our time together when they weren't so busy.    Haven't heard back.  :hurt:



Good for you!  Sounds like you handled it perfectly!


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 4, 2017)

debbie in seattle said:


> I sent her a 'chatty' email and in the middle of it all, said it looked as if they were really busy during our visit and after talking it over, decided to postpone our visit to another time so that we could enjoy our time together when they weren't so busy.    Haven't heard back.  :hurt:



Sounds good Debbie, you kept it real and pretty simple.  She should reply and say that although she'd like to see you, that's a good idea....or she'll try to convince you to sit in her empty house and come to the hot dog fest with them.   Hopefully it's not the latter, if it is, stick to your guns because she's being selfish and inconsiderate in that case.


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## debbie in seattle (Mar 5, 2017)

Sis responded.......she said for such a short visit with them, always thought it was stupid (yes, she said stupid) to drive such a distance.    Her last sentence was "perhaps our paths will cross again someday."     She doesn't get we were ONLY doing all this to visit HER.     Sad.


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## Debby (Mar 5, 2017)

I can't help but feel that you're more committed to your sister relationship than she is Debbie.  Maybe it's time for you to transition to a different kind of relationship, cards, letters, emails, but save on the gas?


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## SeaBreeze (Mar 5, 2017)

debbie in seattle said:


> Sis responded.......she said for such a short visit with them, always thought it was stupid (yes, she said stupid) to drive such a distance.    Her last sentence was "perhaps our paths will cross again someday."     She doesn't get we were ONLY doing all this to visit HER.     Sad.



Well at least she didn't insist on your coming so that's good.  I'm sorry this visit didn't blossom Debbie, but I have to agree with Debby, it looks like you're more dedicated to nourishing the relationship than she is.  It sounds more than like she doesn't care either way, but that she might even prefer the cancellation of plans.  Hugs...don't think about it too much, just cherish the time with your daughter and have fun.


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## Shalimar (Mar 5, 2017)

SeaBreeze said:


> Well at least she didn't insist on your coming so that's good.  I'm sorry this visit didn't blossom Debbie, but I have to agree with Debby, it looks like you're more dedicated to nourishing the relationship than she is.  It sounds more than like she doesn't care either way, but that she might even prefer the cancellation of plans.  Hugs...don't think about it too much, just cherish the time with your daughter and have fun.


Qft.


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## Iodine (Mar 21, 2017)

I think what you told her was fine.  She sounds a little rude to me.  Does she ever visit you?  Can you invite her to your place or can you and she meet up somewhere for a few days together?  Its sad it's like this but she needs to put forth some effort too.


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## nitelite (Apr 9, 2017)

Don't waste your time. Let your sister visit you if she wants your company. Spend the time with your daughter and enjoy yourself.


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## Wayne (May 3, 2017)

easy one here fool to go, you were nicely told not to, move on


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## Falcon (May 3, 2017)

Nitelite  hit the nail on the head !  That's exactly what I would have said;

Instead of all this dilly-dallying around.


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