# My son decided not to have kids.



## davidclay123 (Aug 24, 2017)

Hi y'all,
My son has been married for 4 years. He said he's living a happy life with his wife now and I'm happy for him. He said having a child would end his happiness between him and his wife. I got upset and we had a fight. I apologized because that's his choice.
All I ever want is a grandchild. Has anyone been in the same situation?


----------



## Falcon (Aug 24, 2017)

I have grand kids, see them often and we all get along just fine.

If I never had any, it wouldn't bother me at all.  What's all the concern about grand kids anyway ?


----------



## helenbacque (Aug 24, 2017)

Be grateful that your son and his wife made this decision BEFORE they had children.  Unfortunately, some people don't make it until after and there is nothing sadder than a child who is unwanted.


----------



## Ruth n Jersey (Aug 24, 2017)

My Son doesn't intend to have children either. What is strange about it is the fact that when we have a family gathering the little ones seek him out and he is great with them. But it is his choice. My daughter has given me two Grandsons and I see them often but if she had chosen not to have children I would accept that as well. After raising my own kids I can't honestly say I was yearning for Grandchildren. Of course now that they are here, I can't imagine my life without them.


----------



## applecruncher (Aug 24, 2017)

davidclay123 said:


> Hi y'all,
> My son has been married for 4 years. He said he's living a happy life with his wife now and I'm happy for him. He said having a child would end his happiness between him and his wife. I got upset and we had a fight. I apologized because that's his choice.
> *All I ever want is a grandchild*. Has anyone been in the same situation?



(bolded) That's a pretty strong statement.

If your son and his wife don't want children then they shouldn't have them.  It's not about you and what you want.

Consider looking into the Foster Grandparent program.


----------



## terry123 (Aug 24, 2017)

Falcon said:


> I have grand kids, see them often and we all get along just fine.
> 
> If I never had any, it wouldn't bother me at all.  What's all the concern about grand kids anyway ?


  Its the same here Falcon!


----------



## debbie in seattle (Aug 25, 2017)

We have two daughters, no kids.    Their life choices, not ours, they're adults.    That being said, we'd love to have grandchildren, but it's not in the books.


----------



## CeeCee (Aug 25, 2017)

I would have loved a granddaughter but it wasn't meant to be.  I have a daughter and a son who have given me 
 5 wonderful grandsons and I'm very happy but if they chose not to have kids...that would have been fine with me also.

My children's happiness has always been more important than what I want.


----------



## Lara (Aug 25, 2017)

I have 4 children in their 30's and none of them have children. When they ask me if I want grandchildren I always say, "I would love to have grandchildren but I'm also perfectly okay if they choose not to have children. Here's why I say that...

The reason I'm perfectly okay without grandchildren is because it's a tough world we live in now and tough to raise children in. It's getting worse. I think about what the world will be like in 2047 when they will be age 30 themselves. I know we can't live our lives in fear, and I don't think I am, but I'm being realistic I think when I say either way would be fine with me. Their choice.


----------



## Falcon (Aug 25, 2017)

Good reasoning  Lara.    My thoughts also.   Let others  pump 'em out.

  Nobody can blame me.


----------



## SeaBreeze (Aug 25, 2017)

I agree with Applecruncher, it's a very personal decision between your son and his wife, and they shouldn't be criticized for it.  Too many people have children only to neglect them, or divorce and make the child's life miserable with fighting and back and forth custody battles.  I admire your son and daughter for making a decision that they agree is best, it's selfish to put your own wants above theirs, especially when it's something as precious and significant as a human life.  Respectfully, I say drop the subject and don't give them any grief over it at all in the future.


----------



## Wren (Aug 25, 2017)

Many couples these days chose not to have a family, it's a lifelong commitment and a huge responsibility not everybody wants in their life, also, considering the state of the world, a lot don't want to bring a child into it 

It is sad for the prospective grandparents but, ultimately, it's better to choose not to have a family than bow to outside pressure and have kids to make somebody else happy ...


----------



## fuzzybuddy (Aug 25, 2017)

I don't have kids. My two brothers have kids. And some of those kids do not have happy stories to tell. I asked my mom & dad about grandkids. They could never tell me what it was about grand children that made them so happy.


----------



## DaveA (Aug 25, 2017)

I agree with those who say that we shouldn't pressure our kids to have children of their own.  I will say, though, that kids who have enjoyed a happy childhood, seem to naturally tend to follow with a family providing that their mate has had the same experience while growing up.

Some folks hit 65, retire, and head for some remote retirement village, leaving their adult kids to shift for themselves and the day to day family ties are severed, except for electronic communication.  For these folks, having grandkids or not would seem less important. Through choice, they have their senior friends and community centers rather than school plays and sports activities to follow.  

Ultimately, it's the parents who best know if a family will be to their liking, and as some folks have mentioned, the lifetime responsibility for their well-being.

For my wife and I, our family IS our social life - -all 4 generations of it.  We haven't too many more years left but I like to think that the close knit group that we are today, will continue on with future generations.


----------



## Trade (Aug 25, 2017)

You have to just lay back and let your kids run their own lives. Because they are going to anyway.


----------



## Grumpy Ol' Man (Aug 25, 2017)

We have some very close friend who are DINKS... (*D*ouble *I*ncome, *N*o *K*ids).  One couple both taught at the college level and were a "second home" to many, many kids over the years.  The other couple owns a realty business, but the wife still teaches at the high school level.  Both couples are extremely generous in supporting 'Big Brothers, Big Sisters', etc.  They are happy with the life they have chosen.  And... it is/was their choice.

The national news, this past week, had a story about a 90 year old widower.  He had done well, financially, but was now alone.  He contracted to have a large swimming pool constructed in his backyard for the neighborhood kids.  Most days, there would be from 10 to 20 kids having a great time in his pool... with him sitting there watching and interacting with them.  He gave the kids something.  The kids gave him something.  

Kids from the neighborhood.  Kids from church.  Kids from foster homes.  Kids from homeless shelters.  There should be opportunities to "adopt" your own grandkids.  Our kids have blessed us with grandkids.  The oldest has two with her husband.  The middle girl could not have children so they adopted three.  The youngest married a "ready-made' family of three boys.  Whether the "natural born", the adopted, or the step grandkids we see not one iota of difference.  

Our one son-in-law is adopted.  A family of relatives on his mother's side never felt he was "equal" to the "blood" kids.  At Christmas time, he would see cousins and siblings get gifts from that family.  He got none from them.  To this day, that still remains a sad memory in his mind.  There are so many children out there who would give back more love than you could ever offer them.  Go find some of them and have them call you "Gramps".  You might be surprised how quickly that empty spot could be filled with laughter and love.


----------



## Uncontrolable (Aug 25, 2017)

davidclay123 said:


> Hi y'all,
> My son has been married for 4 years. He said he's living a happy life with his wife now and I'm happy for him. He said having a child would end his happiness between him and his wife. I got upset and we had a fight. I apologized because that's his choice.
> All I ever want is a grandchild. Has anyone been in the same situation?



There is a reason not to have kid now days.  Our grandchildren are going to be faced with some pretty severe global warming effects.  One way to reduce that probability is to stop having children.


----------



## Trade (Aug 25, 2017)




----------



## Lethe200 (Aug 27, 2017)

Nope, but I've been in your son's shoes. And still am, after 43 yrs of marriage.

Different reasons for being DINKs, perhaps:
- This is a very expensive area to live in. But the schools vary tremendously by city. Some are good, most are poor. This means you need to pay for private school unless you want your kids to be semi-illiterate. I saw the difference 35 yrs ago between my neighbor's son and my niece when they were the same age, about 9. The boy [public school, rated "very good"] could barely spell his own name, printed all his writing, and randomly scattered capital letters in his sentences. My niece [private school] wrote a book of poetry which her father self-published, which I still have - beautiful, elegant, thoughtful poems. All were correctly spelled and the meter was flawlessly executed. Quite a contrast! Yet I don't think she was any brighter than he was, to be honest. 

- We simply didn't make enough $$$ for afford a large enough apt or home, and pay for private school(s). Our career choices were to have a good work/life balance, not to work long hours to afford basic necessities (and let's face it, with kids there's a LOT MORE necessities, even if you're not being extravagant).

- I have never cared for babies at all. I like kids when they're around 7 or 8, but even then most of them I don't warm up to. One of the very few I liked as a toddler was my brother who is 14 yrs younger. We enjoyed a great relationship and still do. But overall, I have no desire for children and my DH was fine with my decision, which I established up-front at the very beginning of our relationship.

- We could not have taken early retirement if we'd had children. We now enjoy a very good lifestyle with a higher income than we did when working, in addition to less overhead (no mortgage, etc.) and a lower tax level. We have comprehensive retiree medical insurance and our own LTCi policies, so have no fears for our old age, unlike every other member of my family. My nieces/nephews are very concerned about their respective parents' old age, and rightfully so. They are all doing well financially, but in _*no*_ scenario do they have the kind of discretionary income that could support even one parent in skilled care for more than a year, if even that.


----------

