# Blonde Funnies.



## Michael.

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## That Guy

- - - Updated - - -


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## FishWisher

I love that blonde with the big, black nose! She's beautiful - and no doubt smart as a whip!


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## Pricklypear

I love blonde jokes.  I also love those male bashing jokes, but I'll spare you.  

 * A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her
to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,
..."HELLLLOOOO!!!
You need to roll up the windows."
*


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## Michael.

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## That Guy

FishWisher said:


> I love that blonde with the big, black nose! She's beautiful - and no doubt smart as a whip!



Yeah, she's my kinda girl.


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## SeaBreeze

A *blonde*, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The *blonde* said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the *blonde* came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the *blonde* answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the *blonde* added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

- - - Updated - - -

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the 
neighbor's dog that's been in the backyard barking for hours. 
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough!" 
She goes downstairs. 

The blonde finally comes back to bed and her husband says, 
"The dog is still barking, what were you doing?" 

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard .... let's see how THEY like it! 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 

Lisa & Judy were doing carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. 
Lisa who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail 
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. 

Judy asked, 'Why are you throwing nails away?' 
Lisa explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the
head on the wrong end so I throw them away.' 
Judy got upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for
the other side of the house!' 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  

A blonde goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. 
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' 

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying 
my mother had passed away.' 

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the 
day to relax & rest.? 

'Thanks, but I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing
that here.' 

A couple of hours later the boss decides to check on her. He sees the blonde
crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now, he asks. 

'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!


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## That Guy




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## Michael.

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## That Guy




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## SeaBreeze

*"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. 

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. 

Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot."

*


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## That Guy

SeaBreeze said:


> *"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
> 
> Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
> 
> Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot."
> 
> *



Beautiful!


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## That Guy




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## Ozarkgal

*A Few More Blonde Jokes*



The Puppies:

 Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?" 
This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."  
The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."  
"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.   After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.  
Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing."
"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.  
After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"
.................................................................................................................

Tracks in the Forest:


Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
...............................................................................................

Not All Blondes are Women:

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"
----------------------------------------

A Geography and Astrology Lesson:


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"


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## That Guy




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## Anne

Blonde at School 

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" 
"Very good," said her mother. 
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" 
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. 
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" 
"Very good," said her mother. 
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" 
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." 
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" 
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. 
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother. 
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" 

"No, it's because you're 25."
​


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## That Guy




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## Pappy

Anne: Do you have a way to clean coffee off of my IPad screen? I have to steal your blonde joke. Thanks for the laugh......Pappy


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## That Guy




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## Michael.

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## Michael.

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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone 

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" 


"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. 


"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!" 

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## That Guy




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## Michael.

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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: 
Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. 


The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.


To which the blonde replied: 
Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday.

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## Ozarkgal

A buxom blonde and her husband were showering together when the door bell rang.  The blonde jumped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her and ran downstairs to answer the door.  Her husband's best friend stood there with his eyes popping out when she opened the door in her skimpy towel..."Wow" !!, he exclaimed as he stared toward her buxom bosom..."I'll give you $500 if you'll just drop that towel for a minute." 

Thinking how she could use a good shopping trip, the blonde quickly glanced around and thought what would be the harm?  She dropped the towel as her husband's best friend took in an eyeful. She then wrapped the towel back around her, held out her hand and the friend placed three crisp $100 bills in it.  He told her to tell her husband he'd stopped by.

 The blonde then rejoined her husband upstairs, and he asked her who was at the door. "Oh, it was only Ron. He said to tell you he just wanted to stop by, he'll catch you later."

"Hmm, did he say anything about the $300 he owes me?" asked her husband.


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## That Guy




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## Anne

Pappy said:


> Anne: Do you have a way to clean coffee off of my IPad screen? I have to steal your blonde joke. Thanks for the laugh......Pappy




Glad you liked it, pappy!!  I'm getting a kick out of your siggies, too!!


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## Anne

A blind man wandered into a Female Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat behind the bar 2) The bouncer is a blonde girl 3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb., blonde woman with a black belt in karate 4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter 5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? 
The blind man thinks about it, then shakes his head and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
------------------------------
A blond decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Walmart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.


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## jeffery 53

*Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.*​*




*​*Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.*​*I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."*​


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## jeffery 53




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## Michael.

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## That Guy




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## jeffery 53

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door and, sure enough, finds him in the arms of a redhead. The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and aims it at her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up. You're next, you bastard."


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## That Guy




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## jeffery 53




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## That Guy




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## jeffery 53

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."


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## That Guy




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## jeffery 53




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## That Guy




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## jeffery 53

*Hanging Blonde* 

A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself. 

A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists. 

"What are you doing." they ask her. 

So she replies "Hanging myself." 

The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck." 

The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."


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## That Guy




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## Michael.

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## jeffery 53

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."


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## Ozarkgal

Jeffrey and Michael...thanks for the good chuckles today!


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## Pappy

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk ask her if she wanted it cut in 6 or 12 pieces.

Oh 6 pieces please. I could never eat 12.


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## rkunsaw

Two blondes were in a bar buying drinks for everyone, celebrating in a big way. The bartender asked what the happy occasion was. They said the just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time. How quick did you get done,asked the bartender. It only took seven months said one of the blondes.Seven months! said the bartender.That doesn't seem fast at all. Oh yeah said the other blonde, it said right on the box* three to five years!*


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## Michael.

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## Jillaroo

_Some great jokes there _


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## terra




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## Michael.

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On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, 
crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.


When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 


'It's Lent'. 


In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?


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## SeaBreeze

*Blonde's Year in Review*

*January

 Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight..

 February

 Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......
 Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won’t fit in printer !!!

March

 Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April

 Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May

 Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
 water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June

 Tried to go water skiing.......couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

 July

 Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
 the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August

 Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

 The capital of California is "C".....isn’t it???

 October

 Hate M & M’s.....they are so hard to peel.

 November

 Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

 December

 Couldn’t call 911 . "duh".....there’s no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!    *


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## Jillaroo

_Wild Blonde_

There was a Blonde driving really wildly, swurving and
speeding 
until a police officer pulled her over and said, "You want to
tell
me why you were driving so foolishly"? The Blonde looks up
at
the officer and says, "Sorry officer but there was a tree right
in
front of me so I was trying to get away from it but it kept
coming up in front of me"! The officer starts to smile as he 
says, "Uh mam, thats your air freshener".


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## Jillaroo

_*Day Off*_

A blonde was at work and asked her boss if she could have the day off. Her
boss agreed since it was almost Christmas. The blonde crossed the street
and saw a sign. She continued walking but every time before she would turn
she would lift her shirt up and flash the cars that went by. She continued
doing so every time she turned. 

Then she saw her boss drive by and once
again she flashed the car. Her boss got so distracted by this thathe drove
right into a telephone pole and had to go to the hospital. A couple of
days later the blonde came to visit. Her boss asked, "why did you flash me
when I drove by?" The blonde answered, "Because there was a sign that
said flash your headlights before you turn."


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## Jillaroo

*MOM DIED*

Judi (a blonde) goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked
sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early
this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed
away." 

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young
girl, "Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly
busy. You should just take the day off to relax and rest." Judi
very calmly states, "No. I'd be better off here. I need to keep
my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." 

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need
anything, just let me know." A few hours pass and the boss
decides to check on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her
crying hysterically. 

He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going
to be okay? What's wrong?" 

Judi breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from
my sister. She said that her mom died too!"


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## Jillaroo

*Sally Was Painting Her Lounge Room One Hot Day*

Sally was painting her living room one hot day.
"Why", her friend asked her, "are you wearing two jackets?".

"Because," said the blonde, "The directions on the can said to put on two coats."


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## Jillaroo

*Why Does A Blonde Keep Empty Beer Bottles In The Fridge*

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
They're there for those who don't drink.


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## Pappy

A blonde walks into a shoe store to try on a pair of shoes. After trying on a pair she complained that they were a bit tight. "Try pulling the tongue out," suggests the sales clerk.  "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," responds the blonde.



(boy, did my spell check go zonkers on this one)


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## Ozarkgal

Square boobs..what a concept!


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## Michael.

.

A blonde guy was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. 

He wanted to see the Capitol building. 

Unfortunately, he couldn't find it, so he asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" 

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." He thanked the officer and the officer drove off. 

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, our blonde fellow is still waiting at the same bus stop. 

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" 

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 47th bus just went by!" 

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## Jillaroo

_Sure was dumb_


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## Michael.

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Instant Barbeques

*A blonde went into her local hardware store and bought two instant barbeques - 
the ones with the pictures of succulent foods on the lid. 


The next day, she returned one of these to the customer service desk at the store 
complaining that there was no food inside! 


The assistant patiently told her that these were just barbeque trays 
and that the food was not supplied with them. 


"Oh dear" said the blonde, 
"I'd better take the other one out of the freezer then"!
.*​


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## Pappy

Q. Why do blondes have TGIF written on them.

A. Toes go in first.


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## Archer

That Guy said:


>



I don't...


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## jeffery 53




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## Michael.

.
Blonde outing to order some food





.
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=l38blGqVeHc
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## Michael.

.

In Florida there was a swimming contest. 

The contestants were a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. 

The second race was the Breast Stroke. 

The order of finish was: 

The brunette came in first, the redhead second... 

But wait... Where was the blonde??? 

She was still racing! 

When she got to the finish line, she said, "THEY CHEATED!!" 

The Judge said "how??" 

The dumb blonde screamed, "THEY USED THEIR ARMS!"
.


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