# She...



## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

It's too dark, my love. There's no moon and the clouds are hiding the stars. Land is hiding and the seawater is making my eyes sore. 

Yet... I can hear your voice calling my name... Is it my mind torturing me to the very end? Is it one more wishful thought before I sink for the last time? Is insanity part of my being, now? 

Is there a reason for me to keep struggling against the waves?

God... I'm so tired....


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## Warrigal (Jul 29, 2021)

It's after 3.00 am. Go to bed, put on some soft music and concentrate on sleep. Things always look better in daylight.


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Warrigal said:


> It's after 3.00 am. Go to bed, put on some soft music and concentrate on sleep. Things always look better in daylight.


My sleeping pattern has been severely disturbed. I don't have "sleeping patterns" (though I tried hard to normalize my sleep). So it's insomnia for a few days and then being lethargic for some. In general, I try to be up when there's "company" around. Being alone drives me into panic attacks.


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## Murrmurr (Jul 29, 2021)

Do you think you can accept that you're not alone? Can you accept the idea of unseen companions?


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Do you think you can accept that you're not alone? Can you accept the idea of unseen companions?


My IQ is in the single digits. Could you clarify my "not being alone" and the "unseen companions"?


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## Murrmurr (Jul 29, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> My IQ is in the single digits. Could you clarify my "not being alone" and the "unseen companions"?


I was thinking of the people you chat with here.


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> I was thinking of the people you chat with here.


Definitely! The "welcome party" the community members threw for me today/tonight was beyond any expectation. And I do believe that some truly care (unseen companions?). But, still, they are not "She..."


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 29, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> My IQ is in the single digits. Could you clarify my "not being alone" and the "unseen companions"?


Your IQ is not in the single digits.


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## Warrigal (Jul 29, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> My sleeping pattern has been severely disturbed. I don't have "sleeping patterns" (though I tried hard to normalize my sleep). So it's insomnia for a few days and then being lethargic for some. In general, I try to be up when there's "company" around. Being alone drives me into panic attacks.


I am currently in lockdown in Sydney. My sleeping patterns are also quite disturbed but I take naps in the day to compensate for wakeful hours in the night. Stop making excuses and start looking for answers.

I have lived with a man suffering from severe depression and panic attacks for ten years. He even attempted suicide. I know how stubborn and destructive the negative thought patterns can be. He was helped through this time by a patient local doctor, visits to a psychologist and some medication from a psychiatrist. Eventually the black dog was routed. Exercise is an essential therapy and so is understanding how to deal with negative thoughts. You are clearly having suicidal thoughts and I strongly recommend that you seek help.


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## John cycling (Jul 29, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Could you clarify my "not being alone" and the "unseen companions"?



Your wife.  Your love.  Anyone in the world you would like to talk and share your time with.
In your dreams and thoughts, you can be with whomever you wish to be with, you can travel anywhere, and do anything.
I understand it's not the same thing now as you wish for, but perhaps this can help you to get there, to where you wish to be.


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Your IQ is not in the single digits.


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

John cycling said:


> Your wife.  Anyone in the world you would like to talk and share your time with.
> In your dreams and thoughts, you can be with whomever you wish to be with, you can travel anywhere, and do anything.



I don't want to live in my dreams and thoughts. I cannot say "I love you" and hear it back in my dreams and thoughts. I cannot share a piece of classical music I enjoyed with someone in my dreams and thoughts.

To clear something out: When my wife left there was no love lost. It was more like like two people caring for each other and living in the same house. But there was no romance whatsoever.


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Warrigal said:


> I am currently in lockdown in Sydney. My sleeping patterns are also quite disturbed but I take naps in the day to compensate for wakeful hours in the night. Stop making excuses and start looking for answers.
> 
> I have lived with a man suffering from severe depression and panic attacks for ten years. He even attempted suicide. I know how stubborn and destructive the negative thought patterns can be. He was helped through this time by a patient local doctor, visits to a psychologist and some medication from a psychologist. Eventually the black dog was routed. Exercise is an essential therapy and so is understanding how to deal with negative thoughts. You are clearly having suicidal thoughts and I strongly recommend that you seek help.



I'm not making excuses for anything. I sleep when I feel like sleeping. 

I haven't attempted suicide... yet. I am contemplating it, yes. But it's a pure logical debate. Pure math. When the cost of a process (financial/mental/emotional/physical) is more than the benefit of the process itself, it makes sense for the process to be terminated. Your husband had reasons to NOT attempt suicide. I don't.


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## Warrigal (Jul 29, 2021)

Get a dog. Then you will have a reason to go on living.


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Warrigal said:


> Get a dog. Then you will have a reason to go on living.



Do you want to justify to me why "going on living" is so important?
What would be the loss if I ... stopped living?

(I have already explained why I don't want to get a dog)


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## Warrigal (Jul 29, 2021)

Life is a precious gift. Don't throw it away.

I am ignoring that nonsense about maths. 
I have a degree in mathematics and nowhere does it have any relevance here.
I do think you may have a BEx (Bachelor of Excuses).

Maybe you don't want a dog but you do need one. 
You will have a live animal to feed and water, something to love that will love you back,  a reason to venture out of the house, not to mention a chick magnet.


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## Shalimar (Jul 29, 2021)

I know a little about despair. It has been my oldest companion for most of my life. Complex Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder can do that. Attempted suicide also when I dissociated. Yet, here I am. I am so grateful I survived. Why?

Because there is life and hope beyond pain. I reached out, people answered, not always in the ways I thought I needed most, but I was no longer trapped in the frozen hell of isolation. Healing is ongoing, but joy and peace are possible. One day at a time. I found medication helped until I could hold my head above water once again.


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Life is a precious gift? Says who? The children of Aleppo? Or those of Nigeria?
I could tell you are a math person. Do you also play chess?
No comment on BEx... (though it _was_ witty)

Please don't make me get a dog. It would kill me. Whenever my wife left for the States (monthly holiday) I was stressing for a month what would happen to Lucy if something happened to me. And... I don't want to worry of losing another "child" again... It would push me over the edge. And... I don't care about the "chick magnet" thing.... Whenever I walked Lucy my full attention was on her. Where she stepped. What she picked up from the ground. If her poop was OK. I didn't care about other dogs or their parents....


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## Warrigal (Jul 29, 2021)

OK. No dog. How about a budgie?


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> I know a little about despair. It has been my oldest companion for most of my life. Complex Post Traumatic Stress
> Disorder can do that. Attempted suicide also when I dissociated. Yet, here I am. I am so grateful I survived. Why?
> 
> Because there is life and hope beyond pain. I reached out, people answered, not always in the ways I thought I needed most, but I was no longer trapped in the frozen hell of isolation. Healing is ongoing, but joy and peace are possible. One day at a time. I found medication helped until I could hold my head above water once again.



I don't want to sound like the "bad guy"... Especially after that wonderful "welcoming party" you all threw for me. But there comes a point that going it alone makes no sense whatsoever. There's no joy in it. There's only endless pain and suffering. 

I reached out myself. Numerous times. I registered on a lot of forums and dating sites. Disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. In one of the forums I found love. It was an earthquake. The perfect storm. She is 40. I'm 58. In a physical condition that didn't secure any future at all. She wants to live, have children, study. I couldn't offer any of those. It had to end. New depths of depression. New tears. And the road to the end continued. Alone again. 

I registered to SF as a last effort, not to go insane... I don't have many hopes. But I haven't given up entirely. I don't know what's next...

Thank you for trying so hard to keep me afloat. I am so grateful that strangers are putting all this effort on my survival....


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Warrigal said:


> OK. No dog. How about a budgie?



Auntie... I love you because you don't give up!
I'll think about it...


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## Shalimar (Jul 29, 2021)

I too am an empath, with all the positives and negatives  which come with that. Here‘s the thing, we have the capacity to touch souls in a way not given to many, because we can feel another’s emotions. Yes, we must guard against burn 

out, but we can truly make a difference in people‘s lives, often just by listening or offering support. I have been privileged to do that more than once. That has given,  and  continues to provide me a reason to get up every morning 

and face the dragons I keep in boxes, it provides, most of the time, an effective antidote to the Uber sensitivity which is the hallmark of all true empaths. Perhaps this might be a candle in the dark for you also. Death is not the only way out of the pit.


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## Warrigal (Jul 29, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Auntie... I love you because you don't give up!
> I'll think about it...


Good. My next suggestion was going to be a ferret.

By the way, how are you liking some human interaction thus far?

PS Listen to Shalimar. She knows what she is talking about.


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

In a number of forums I would lose myself in trying to help other people, forgetting my situation. Their pain was becoming more important than mine. 

I hear what you say, so loud and clear! Death may not be the only way out of the pit.....


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## Shalimar (Jul 29, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> In a number of forums I would lose myself in trying to help other people, forgetting my situation. Their pain was becoming more important than mine.
> 
> I hear what you say, so loud and clear! Death may not be the only way out of the pit.....


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Warrigal said:


> Good. My next suggestion was going to be a ferret.
> 
> By the way, how are you liking some human interaction thus far?
> 
> PS Listen to Shalimar. She knows what she is talking about.


I LOVE the human interaction with the people of this community so far.
I don't want to say names because it wouldn't be fair to all the rest.
Shalimar........... no comment....


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Shalimar said:


>



I.am.grateful......


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## Warrigal (Jul 29, 2021)

Good. Now go to sleep. Auntie says.


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## Jeff_RN/Paramedic (Jul 29, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> It's too dark, my love. There's no moon and the clouds are hiding the stars. Land is hiding and the seawater is making my eyes sore.
> 
> Yet... I can hear your voice calling my name... Is it my mind torturing me to the very end? Is it one more wishful thought before I sink for the last time? Is insanity part of my being, now?
> 
> ...


CAKCy, should we be worried about you????? Seriously.


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Jeff_RN/Paramedic said:


> CAKCy, should we be worried about you????? Seriously.


Not yet. 
1. I'm too coward to do anything
2. The community here pampered me well tonight. It made me think.
3. @Gary O' scared the s*** out of me.


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Warrigal said:


> Good. Now go to sleep. Auntie says.



I will. I will... As soon as the bright lights are off and the music stops. 
Let me enjoy the illusion of a few happy moments.
I haven't had those in a while...


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## Jeff_RN/Paramedic (Jul 29, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Not yet.
> 1. I'm too coward to do anything
> 2. The community here pampered me well tonight. It made me think.
> 3. @Gary O' scared the s*** out of me.


Ok. Good.  I was starting to feel like I was on the job again.
Stay well.


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## CAKCy (Jul 29, 2021)

Jeff_RN/Paramedic said:


> Ok. Good.  I was starting to feel like I was on the job again.
> Stay well.



Thank you man! I really appreciated the concern. Sleep well...no reason to worry...


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> I don't want to live in my dreams and thoughts. I cannot say "I love you" and hear it back in my dreams and thoughts. I cannot share a piece of classical music I enjoyed with someone in my dreams and thoughts.
> 
> To clear something out: When my wife left there was no love lost. It was more like like two people caring for each other and living in the same house. But there was no romance whatsoever.


What do you mean by romance?  There is no romance in my marriage, and my husband and I are in a very bad place right now.  But if I threw up in the kitchen, he would clean it up.

If you mean sex, there was no sex at all, in your marriage, sex has very little to do, IMO, with the long run of marriage.  It is the caring, sharing, and living together that matters.  And that is the hard part.  Saying “I love you” is often a false statement, meaningless statement-a lesson I have learned very many times.

This will sound harsh and is not meant to be.  If you need to hear those words, “I love you”, a parrot can be taught to say them.  But a parrot will not clean the toilet, a wife will, a friend will, a parrot won’t.

Do you consider yourself to be a needy person?  Therapy would help that as well.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> I'm not making excuses for anything. I sleep when I feel like sleeping.
> 
> I haven't attempted suicide... yet. I am contemplating it, yes. But it's a pure logical debate. Pure math. When the cost of a process (financial/mental/emotional/physical) is more than the benefit of the process itself, it makes sense for the process to be terminated. Your husband had reasons to NOT attempt suicide. I don't.


You obviously do have reasons to not attempt suicide, obvious because you have NOT attempted suicide.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> My sleeping pattern has been severely disturbed. I don't have "sleeping patterns" (though I tried hard to normalize my sleep). So it's insomnia for a few days and then being lethargic for some. In general, I try to be up when there's "company" around. Being alone drives me into panic attacks.


Do you live in a house or some sort of community, like an apartment?


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 30, 2021)

Warrigal said:


> Life is a precious gift. Don't throw it away.
> 
> I am ignoring that nonsense about maths.
> I have a degree in mathematics and nowhere does it have any relevance here.
> ...


I agree.  Bachelor of Excuses, my husband has one of those.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 30, 2021)

Warrigal said:


> OK. No dog. How about a budgie?


Again I agree, a parrot


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## OneEyedDiva (Jul 30, 2021)

Warrigal said:


> I am currently in lockdown in Sydney. My sleeping patterns are also quite disturbed but I take naps in the day to compensate for wakeful hours in the night. Stop making excuses and start looking for answers.
> 
> I have lived with a man suffering from severe depression and panic attacks for ten years. He even attempted suicide. I know how stubborn and destructive the negative thought patterns can be. He was helped through this time by a patient local doctor, visits to a psychologist and some medication from a psychiatrist. Eventually the black dog was routed. Exercise is an essential therapy and so is understanding how to deal with negative thoughts. You are clearly having suicidal thoughts and I strongly recommend that you seek help.


Excellent account of one who knows how it feels, has been through the fire and come out on the other side *because* he sought and got help. And excellent advice Warrigal.
CAKCy...please do the same. I know it's hard. I have two grandchildren who suffer from depression. Both had suicidal thoughts.  Both were transferred to residential programs after a couple of days in the hospital....two different times for each. From going to group therapy sessions, my granddaughter realized how blessed she really is. But sometimes the depression comes back so she continues with therapy. My grandson is also in therapy and his recent acceptance of Islam seems to be helping his state of mind. There is no shame in seeking help. 

Question..you mentioned "company". Who's the company and how often do they visit? Your original post in this thread is beautifully written albeit sad.


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> What do you mean by romance?  There is no romance in my marriage, and my husband and I are in a very bad place right now.  But if I threw up in the kitchen, he would clean it up.
> 
> If you mean sex, there was no sex at all, in your marriage, sex has very little to do, IMO, with the long run of marriage.  It is the caring, sharing, and living together that matters.  And that is the hard part.  Saying “I love you” is often a false statement, meaningless statement-a lesson I have learned very many times.
> 
> ...



That's how it was between my wife and myself. Caring, sharing and living together. I envy the couples that hold hands or (why not) say "I love you" to each other and have sex (in any form physically possible) after decades of marriage.

Does that make me a needy person? If it does... so be it.


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> You obviously do have reasons to not attempt suicide, obvious because you have NOT attempted suicide.



In many cases my only reason was my cowardice...


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Do you live in a house or some sort of community, like an apartment?



I live in a single bedroom apartment on my own. Last time I left the apartment was more than a month ago to go to the supermarket and the pharmacy. Now, I can't do even that.


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I agree.  Bachelor of Excuses, my husband has one of those.



You (and auntie @Warrigal) may believe that I have a BEx. It's OK. Everybody has the right to their opinion. That doesn't make their opinion a fact, though.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> I live in a single bedroom apartment on my own. Last time I left the apartment was more than a month ago to go to the supermarket and the pharmacy. Now, I can't do even that.


My son with DS has problems going on vacation unless it is with his group home.  It is common for people with DS to become very attached to their homes and room mates.

Your mental illness is increasing at an alarming level, IMO.  You might need inpatient treatment before it is too late.  It can, of course, become too late.  You said you are 58.  Does you income come from work at home or SSI disability?  You don’t have to answer, of course.

Since you live in an apartment you are NOT alone.  The sounds of life are all around you.  You are only alone in you mind.  IMO.


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Again I agree, a parrot



@Warrigal's budgie and your parrot are not suggested for the same reason. The budgie was for healing. Your parrot is because you have labeled me as "needy". Don't rush to label people. You may be wrong.


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

OneEyedDiva said:


> Excellent account of one who knows how it feels, has been through the fire and come out on the other side *because* he sought and got help. And excellent advice Warrigal.
> CAKCy...please do the same. I know it's hard. I have two grandchildren who suffer from depression. Both had suicidal thoughts.  Both were transferred to residential programs after a couple of days in the hospital....two different times for each. From going to group therapy sessions, my granddaughter realized how blessed she really is. But sometimes the depression comes back so she continues with therapy. My grandson is also in therapy and his recent acceptance of Islam seems to be helping his state of mind. There is no shame in seeking help.
> 
> Question..you mentioned "company". Who's the company and how often do they visit? Your original post in this thread is beautifully written albeit sad.



By "company" I meant people like you, all of you. I don't have people visiting irl. A couple of friends call to see if I'm still alive every few days. I have two brothers. Haven't talked to one of them for years. The other one went through his own mental problems and lately we started a sort of infrequent communication.

I have asked @Warrigal and I ask you the same question:



> Do you want to justify to me why "going on living" is so important?
> What would be the loss if I ... stopped living?



Her answer was "Life is a precious gift. Don't throw it away.". What's the criterion for something to be a "precious gift"? Just because it's there, because it exists? People die every day in the thousands. Nobody, other than very few, knows them Nobody, other than very few, cares. Despite what @Warrigal says the logic is there: When the cost of a process (financial/mental/emotional/physical) is higher than the benefits of it, the process should be terminated. "Precious gift" or no "Precious gift".

I'm not ...not seeking help because of shame. I don't care too much about what others think of me. I don't do it because I don't see the reason to do it.

No comment about religion. Every person have their own support system and the right to have it.

Thank you for your kind words about my original post. I know I'm not a writer. I just like to let pressure escape every now and then...


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> Your mental illness is increasing at an alarming level, IMO.  You might need inpatient treatment before it is too late.  It can, of course, become too late.



Actually IMO the clarity in me is increasing. I can now see the purpose and non-purpose of things. And I'm able to distinguish between what's precious and what is not. One has to remember that all that glitters is not gold.



> You said you are 58.  Does you income come from work at home or SSI disability?  You don’t have to answer, of course.


I don't have any income. I have some savings that theoretically could last for another 20 months. If my expiration doesn't come before that, I will deal with it then.



> Since you live in an apartment you are NOT alone.  The sounds of life are all around you.  You are only alone in you mind.  IMO.



I could turn the radio on to hear the "sounds of life". Of course one can claim that I'm only alone in my mind. Who am I to tell one that one is wrong?


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

I opened my eyes and said "good morning"...
Not even echo was kind enough to respond...
Where are you?


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Actually IMO the clarity in me is increasing. I can now see the purpose and non-purpose of things. And I'm able to distinguish between what's precious and what is not. One has to remember that all that glitters is not gold.
> 
> 
> I don't have any income. I have some savings that theoretically could last for another 20 months. If my expiration doesn't come before that, I will deal with it then.
> ...


I am not talking about the clarity of your mind, I have no way to judge that and wouldn’t judge it in any event.  I am not a doctor, but I have experience with mentally ill teenagers.  You said you can not leave the apartment now but could leave a month ago.  You have not mentioned being physically bed ridden.  If you were, you would have aids in your house to care for you.

Agoraphobia-an anxiety disorder.  A person with this mental disability may avoid leaving their home for days, months, or years.  People with moderate to severe mental health issues qualify for social security disability and Medicare.  Another reason for you to obtain therapy, a diagnosis, and HELP.  Real help not a bunch of old folks (no insult meant to anyone) giving suggestions that you will not follow.  But you enjoy the attention which we are willing to give.


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> I opened my eyes and said "good morning"...
> Not even echo was kind enough to respond...
> Where are you?


There are plenty of talk shows that open with the words good morning or you can teach a parrot to say good morning


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## Pepper (Jul 30, 2021)

*Do you want to justify to me why "going on living" is so important?
What would be the loss if I ... stopped living?*

I've been there.  I agree "going on living" is not important if there are factors that make life not worth living.  There were times upon wake up I was so disappointed I didn't die in my sleep was how I began my day.  I was convinced my living only made things worse for people.  I thought of the different ways how to do it.  I always have enough pills on hand to end it if I must.

But...............I'm not depressed anymore.  In my case, my son had a son and I love my grandson So Much that my heart opened again.  My goal is to live as long as I can, that he will always remember me.  I'd love to see him graduate from college, etc.  He's three years old.

I don't like it, the loneliness truly hurts at times, but it's no reason for me to die yet.    Yes, I felt like you.  I know what you're saying, I understand.  I wouldn't try the life is a gift thing because I'm not sure it's true.  Our lives are in our own hands and it's up to the individual.  I wouldn't convince you to live if you really don't want to; I just would urge you to start ignoring the pain if you can.  Also, and I am being serious............try pot.  That's the gift, IMO.


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## Alligatorob (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Do you want to justify to me why "going on living" is so important?
> What would be the loss if I ... stopped living?


That is a legitimate question, one worthy of consideration.  I am not one to just say "every life matters". I think it is a very personal decision, only one you can make.

That said, I think perhaps you have already made the decision, at least for now.  The very fact you are posting and interacting here seems to me to be an indication you are coming down on or leaning towards the going on living side.  

I hope that is true, and hope that path gets easier for you!


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## Aneeda72 (Jul 30, 2021)

Pepper said:


> *Do you want to justify to me why "going on living" is so important?
> What would be the loss if I ... stopped living?*
> 
> I've been there.  I agree "going on living" is not important if there are factors that make life not worth living.  There were times upon wake up I was so disappointed I didn't die in my sleep was how I began my day.  I was convinced my living only made things worse for people.  I thought of the different ways how to do it.  I always have enough pills on hand to end it if I must.
> ...


I would like to try pot for a great many reasons  keep forgetting to ask doctor for a card .

 I so agree.  During the worst of times my favorite son would always come to mind and I’d realize how much he needed me.  And now, my youngest great granddaughter, who is 3 as well, such a joy.


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> But you enjoy the attention which we are willing to give.



I enjoy the company and the chat.
The attention? That's not my aim...


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> There are plenty of talk shows that open with the words good morning or you can teach a parrot to say good morning



Are  you selling parrots, by any chance?


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Pepper said:


> *Do you want to justify to me why "going on living" is so important?
> What would be the loss if I ... stopped living?*
> 
> I've been there.  I agree "going on living" is not important if there are factors that make life not worth living.  There were times upon wake up I was so disappointed I didn't die in my sleep was how I began my day.  I was convinced my living only made things worse for people.  I thought of the different ways how to do it.  I always have enough pills on hand to end it if I must.
> ...



I have a feeling you may be the only one who doesn't think of me as a loser, whining, useless, worthless, self-pitying POS. I guess it takes one to know one!


Key words... You have a son and he had a son.... These are reasons enough for someone to go on living.

1. It's hard to get pot.
2. I'm on benzos... considering mixing them with alcohol. I read it's a "good" mix...


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Alligatorob said:


> That is a legitimate question, one worthy of consideration.  I am not one to just say "every life matters". I think it is a very personal decision, only one you can make.
> 
> That said, I think perhaps you have already made the decision, at least for now.  The very fact you are posting and interacting here seems to me to be an indication you are coming down on or leaning towards the going on living side.
> 
> I hope that is true, and hope that path gets easier for you!



You are right! The title of my introduction thread is self-explanatory. I thought I should give it another try. I'm not sure it will be any more successful than the previous ones but... hell... why not?


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Aneeda72 said:


> I would like to try pot for a great many reasons  keep forgetting to ask doctor for a card .
> 
> I so agree.  During the worst of times my favorite son would always come to mind and I’d realize how much he needed me.  And now, my youngest great granddaughter, who is 3 as well, such a joy.



There's your reasons! 
(You really have a "favorite" son???)


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## Alligatorob (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> I thought I should give it another try. I'm not sure it will be any more successful than the previous ones but... hell... why not?


I like it!  You are right, you have nothing to lose, and I hope it works out for you.


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Alligatorob said:


> I like it!  You are right, you have nothing to lose, and I hope it works out for you.



Thank you!
I hope so too.


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## Shalimar (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> I opened my eyes and said "good morning"...
> Not even echo was kind enough to respond...
> Where are you?





CAKCy said:


> I have a feeling you may be the only one who doesn't think of me as a loser, whining, useless, worthless, self-pitying POS. I guess it takes one to know one!
> 
> 
> Key words... You have a son and he had a son.... These are reasons enough for someone to go on living.
> ...


Hello, CA. I don’t consider you any of those things. You are honest about your pain, that is courageous, if others wish to put a negative spin on that, that is about them, not you. All too often, people want a quick fix, an answer to  other people’s pain, while  often unable to cure their own. Wouldn’t it be lovely if healing was merely ticking off things on a

list? Healing, like life, is painful, messy, full of angst. There is no magic answer, we are all individuals. Labelling is also  not helpful to the person suffering depression. Depression is not character based, but an illness. Your willingness to

be open and vulnerable on this site, speaks to your strength and honesty. You have earned my respect. In my experience, effectively dealing with despair has had more to do with learning a new way to “be,” rather than completing a list of actions. Western society is very geared toward

action, not always wisely. This empath has found connection, even online connection, to be one of the most crucial elements in my healing journey. It can make the pain bearable, once one realises they are not alone in the pit. That people care. Sometimes that knowledge is sufficient, a touch stone to keep one grounded, until we can believe hope

possible. Someone once told me that they would be honoured to hold my hope for me until I was ready and able to do so myself.


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Hello, CA. I don’t consider you any of those things. You are honest about your pain, that is courageous, if others wish to put a negative spin on that, that is about them, not you. All too often, people want a quick fix, an answer to  other people’s pain, while  often unable to cure their own. Wouldn’t it be lovely if healing was merely ticking off things on a
> 
> list? Healing, like life, is painful, messy, full of angst. There is no magic answer, we are all individuals. Labelling is also  not helpful to the person suffering depression. Depression is not character based, but an illness. Your willingness to
> 
> ...



Good morning my Lady!

My mistake... I should've left you, and a couple of others, out of my generalization.

Your words are wise. I always told my wife (from FL, USA) that you people have a list for everything and think that if you follow the items on the list correctly things will be OK. It doesn't work that way. Especially with spirits unwilling to be herded, to be categorized, to belong to a stereotype.



> This empath has found connection, even online connection, to be one of the most crucial elements in my healing journey. It can make the pain bearable, once one realises they are not alone in the pit. That people care. Sometimes that knowledge is sufficient, a touch stone to keep one grounded, until we can believe hope
> possible.







> Someone once told me that they would be honoured to hold my hope for me until I was ready and able to do so myself.



That someone loves/loved you beyond words...

P.S.: Do you have a twin sister? (I know you are in a relationship and yes this is unashamed flirting. I have no other way to express my admiration to how rare a person you are. I apologize to you and to your fortunate significant other and I promise it won't happen again.)


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## Shalimar (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Good morning my Lady!
> 
> My mistake... I should've left you, and a couple of others, out of my generalization.
> 
> ...


Good morning to you also. No apology warranted. Your compliment is graciously received. Regrettably, I am an only child.


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Good morning to you also. No apology warranted. Your compliment is graciously received. Regrettably, I am an only child.


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## Shalimar (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


>


All is not lost. I am a good and loyal friend.


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Thank You!


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## Shalimar (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Thank You!


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Shalimar said:


>



Got the message: Keep them apart!!!


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## helenbacque (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> It's too dark, my love. There's no moon and the clouds are hiding the stars. Land is hiding and the seawater is making my eyes sore.
> 
> Yet... I can hear your voice calling my name... Is it my mind torturing me to the very end? Is it one more wishful thought before I sink for the last time? Is insanity part of my being, now?
> 
> ...



Don't be tempted by Sirens*

*  https://www.worldhistory.org/Siren/


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## Pepper (Jul 30, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> 1.* I have a feeling you may be the only one who doesn't think of me as a loser, whining, useless, worthless, self-pitying POS.*
> 
> 2. I'm on benzos... considering mixing them with alcohol. I read it's a "good" mix...


1.   Where'd you get that idea?   Just kidding.  We're all that.  It's just a matter of degree.

2.  I wouldn't recommend the mixture.  Don't play around.  If you mean to do "It", you don't play roulette.  It's not a game to play.  Chances are you'll wake up with a tube in your throat and stomach and brain damage ALIVE.  Imagine how much worse life would be.  If you think it can't get worse, you're wrong.


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

helenbacque said:


> Don't be tempted by Sirens*
> 
> *  https://www.worldhistory.org/Siren/


Falling in love with a Siren! Wouldn't that be something!

(I'm Greek btw  )


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## CAKCy (Jul 30, 2021)

Pepper said:


> 1.   Where'd you get that idea?   Just kidding.  We're all that.  It's just a matter of degree.
> 
> 2.  I wouldn't recommend the mixture.  Don't play around.  If you mean to do "It", you don't play roulette.  It's not a game to play.  Chances are you'll wake up with a tube in your throat and stomach and brain damage ALIVE.  Imagine how much worse life would be.  If you think it can't get worse, you're wrong.


1. No, really... It feels like it's a crime for someone to be depressed or feel lonely. And if one doesn't follow the court order for community service one will do time! I was asked questions which I answered as truthfully and honestly as I could and then I was accused of being selfish, of thinking that I'm the only one going through this and various others.

2. No... I didn't mean "It". Reading on the Internet (which is always right) there is a consensus that some alcohol while on benzos works as an upper. I'm not going to try it yet since I'm still collecting information. I'll keep you posted


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## CAKCy (Jul 31, 2021)

Maybe you are as unreal as I am.
I still long for your unreal companionship...


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## Pepper (Jul 31, 2021)

Why worry when Nothing Is Real?


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## CAKCy (Jul 31, 2021)

Pepper said:


> Why worry when Nothing Is Real?



Not sure if I should talk to you after your transformation into a dragon!
Dragons _are_ real!


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

pfft, you all are pigments of my hallucination!


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## CAKCy (Jul 31, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> pfft, you all are pigments of my hallucination!


Good morning my Lady,

you hardly slept or is that a reply from within your dream???


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

Good morning CA. I sleep in segments. Lol. Will you join me in indulging in some fresh homemade cinnamon buns? the aroma is marvellous. My cat Sassafras says hello also.


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## CAKCy (Jul 31, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Good morning CA. I sleep in segments. Lol. Will you join me in indulging in some fresh homemade cinnamon buns? the aroma is marvellous.



Only if you don't give any to @Jeff_RN/Paramedic!
He had all the donuts by himself yesterday!


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## CAKCy (Jul 31, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> My cat Sassafras says hello also.


What a coincidence!
I had 6 cats and they were all named Sassafras!!!
Such a common name....


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## CAKCy (Jul 31, 2021)

Hey... @Pepper dragon.... where have you gone?


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Hey... @Pepper dragon.... where have you gone?


strawberry fields of course


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Only if you don't give any to @Jeff_RN/Paramedic!
> He had all the donuts by himself yesterday!


Sigh, we both know they weren’t doughnuts, but grisly trophies from the purple alien genocide.


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> What a coincidence!
> I had 6 cats and they were all named Sassafras!!!
> Such a common name....


Hahaha. Were they all pale peach/ sandy coloured, with opalescent eyes, and the build of a Siamese? One of my friends rescued him from the parking lot of the apt building where he lives. Cat was immaculate, couldn’t have been there long. I shall try to find him a friend to play with. Indoor cats require stimulation.


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## CAKCy (Jul 31, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Sigh, we both know they weren’t doughnuts, but grisly trophies from the purple alien genocide.



Isn't it a bit early for THC?


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Isn't it a bit early for THC?


Yes, but not for a vivid imagination. That is with me 24/7.


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## CAKCy (Jul 31, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Hahaha. Were they all pale peach/ sandy coloured, with opalescent eyes, and the build of a Siamese? One of my friends rescued him from the parking lot of the apt building where he lives. Cat was immaculate, couldn’t have been there long. I shall try to find him a friend to play with. Indoor cats require stimulation.



Wow! How did you know?????
Your empathy has no limits!!!!


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## CAKCy (Jul 31, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Yes, but not for a vivid imagination. That is with me 24/7.


Nah... you are just bragging now....


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Wow! How did you know?????
> Your empathy has no limits!!!!


They call me a witch. I deny it of course……


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## CAKCy (Jul 31, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> They call me a witch. I deny it of course……



Denying it won't change a fact...


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Nah... you are just bragging now....


Nope, poets gots imagination. We see faces in trees, clouds, oak trees resemble broccoli….a spark of childhood  resides in us all, the wonder never fades. The universal pattern communicates with us in the space between words, and our struggle, and our joy, is to endeavour to reply.


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## CAKCy (Jul 31, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Nope, poets gots imagination. We see faces in trees, clouds, oak trees resemble broccoli….a spark of childhood  resides in us all, the wonder never fades. The universal pattern communicates with us in the space between words, and our struggle, and our joy, is to endeavour to reply.


Silence...
And pure respect...
Lots of it!


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> Silence...
> And pure respect...
> Lots of it!


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## Jeff_RN/Paramedic (Jul 31, 2021)

Good day all.......about noon here and I finally got my chores/tasks/work/duties/ completed just as the heat index spikes to about 105.
I'm about ready for a sit-down in the AC.


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

Hi fuzzy


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## Jeff_RN/Paramedic (Jul 31, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Hi fuzzy


Howdy and hope you're having an interesting day.......
I was just thinking...... I live near, and drive through, a small town here that's named Shalimar.


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

Thank you, I am having a nice relaxing day. That is so cool that you have a town nearby named Shalimar.


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## Jeff_RN/Paramedic (Jul 31, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Thank you, I am having a nice relaxing day. That is so cool that you have a town nearby named Shalimar.


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

Thanks for the pic. I love water.


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## Jeff_RN/Paramedic (Jul 31, 2021)

Shalimar said:


> Thanks for the pic. I love water.


Your namesake is right on the water under the beautiful Florida sunshine..........as a mermaid, I thought you might have been named after the place.


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

Jeff_RN/Paramedic said:


> Your namesake is right on the water under the beautiful Florida sunshine..........as a mermaid, I thought you might have been named after the place.


Would be cool  if I was. Shalimar comes from my favourite French perfume by the same name,


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## Pecos (Jul 31, 2021)

Jeff_RN/Paramedic said:


> View attachment 176417


Good evening folks. That is a pretty little place. I read that the population is pretty small and it is considered to be a highly desired place to live. Its location inside that larger Bay looks pretty well sheltered. Furthermore with a name like Shalimar, I might have to put it on my "must visit" list. @Shalimar


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## Jeff_RN/Paramedic (Jul 31, 2021)

Pecos said:


> Good evening folks. That is a pretty little place. I read that the population is pretty small and it is considered to be a highly desired place to live. Its location inside that larger Bay looks pretty well sheltered. Furthermore with a name like Shalimar, I might have to put it on my "must visit" list. @Shalimar


Nothing much there as it's a quick drive through but you're down on the water most everywhere you go in that area so it's a nice place to visit.
But if you come during tourist season, pack a lot of patience with you.......it's no different than most other tourist areas.


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## Pecos (Jul 31, 2021)

Jeff_RN/Paramedic said:


> Nothing much there as it's a quick drive through but you're down on the water most everywhere you go in that area so it's a nice place to visit.
> But if you come during tourist season, pack a lot of patience with you.......it's no different than most other tourist areas.


I would well imagine. I have been down in that surrounding general area and was was pretty busy. I think I will also pass on visiting there during hurricane season. We get plenty of that kind of excitement here in South Carolina. We are inland, but we get all the evacuees from the coast, and life gets very interesting.


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## Shalimar (Jul 31, 2021)

Pecos said:


> Good evening folks. That is a pretty little place. I read that the population is pretty small and it is considered to be a highly desired place to live. Its location inside that larger Bay looks pretty well sheltered. Furthermore with a name like Shalimar, I might have to put it on my "must visit" list. @Shalimar


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## Tish (Aug 1, 2021)

I feel for you and your heartbreak, but just remember she would have wanted you to continue on.
I won't lie to you, It's hard to adjust to life going on when a part of your heart died with her, but go on you must.
It's going to take time and a huge effort on your behalf, the lonely nights will get better and far between, the pain never goes away completely, you just learn to live with it and slowly you will adjust to life without her.


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## CAKCy (Aug 1, 2021)

Thank you so much for your beautiful words. 
One little clarification, if I may... 
It's not a heartbreak... It's a heart longing.....


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## CAKCy (Aug 1, 2021)

The beach was empty. Miles and miles away from civilization. Or... "civilization"... The sun was setting, making the sky look like I took some psychedelic drug. The sand was smooth being caressed by the sea over and over again. Even my footprints were not real any more. I wrote your name and a heart next to it. Walked a few steps away. Sat down and watched the water going over the writing...

The sand was smooth...

I knew I had to leave...


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## Shalimar (Aug 1, 2021)




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## CAKCy (Aug 2, 2021)

Shalimar said:


>



I'm sorry for your disappointment, my Lady.
Elusive dreams become obsessions.
Obsessions are actively, and most often rapidly, consuming one's existence.
Self-preservation mechanisms, no matter how much pain they cause, are the only way out...


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## Shalimar (Aug 2, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> I'm sorry for your disappointment, my Lady.
> Elusive dreams become obsessions.
> Obsessions are actively, and most often rapidly, consuming one's existence.
> Self-preservation mechanisms, no matter how much pain they cause, are the only way out...


Understood, my friend, no disappointment here. Only grief for the pain you bear.


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## Shalimar (Aug 2, 2021)

I, too, have recently walked away from something.  I whole heartedly believed it  was genuine, only to discover it was merely a tainted, shameful illusion. One cannot control the toxic delusions of others, but one can embrace self respect, fold their tent, and silently disappear, dignity intact.


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## CAKCy (Aug 3, 2021)

She would sit under a tree. Sketching. He would hid behind another and watch her. Day after day. A hostage to how beautiful a person she was....

When he, finally, found the courage to talk to her... she was startled... She got up... picked up her drawing book and her pencil and started walking away...

"Please forgive me!" he yelled after her... "I never meant to scare you..."

She kept walking. Faster... Like a fawn running from a predator...

"I never meant to scare you..." he whispered to no one...

He went back the following day...

Her tree was there...

She wasn't...


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## Murrmurr (Aug 3, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> I'm sorry for your disappointment, my Lady.
> Elusive dreams become obsessions.
> Obsessions are actively, and most often rapidly, consuming one's existence.
> *Self-preservation mechanisms, no matter how much pain they cause, are the only way out...*


Nooo...hurting others because you're hurting is not a way out. It only makes you feel worse, doesn't it?


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## CAKCy (Aug 3, 2021)

Murrmurr said:


> Nooo...hurting others because you're hurting is not a way out. It only makes you feel worse, doesn't it?


I should make it clearer... It should read "Self-preservation mechanisms, no matter how much pain they cause TO ME, are the only way out..."

I wouldn't even think of hurting someone just because I hurt. I spent my life hurting because of the pain of others. Being an empath is a curse...


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## CAKCy (Aug 7, 2021)

I met Love in the Kingdom of Denmark. I knew she was seeing right through me.
"You know..." she said. "...to be or not to be" is _not_ a question!
She smiled warmly at me, turned around and walked away....
I was devastated but glad at the same that I did meet her...
I walked the other way unable to stop the tears from rolling...


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## Warrigal (Aug 7, 2021)

An excerpt of a poem I learnt at school

Yet each man kills the thing he loves
    By each let this be heard.
Some do it with a bitter look,
    Some with a flattering word.
The coward does it with a kiss,
    The brave man with a sword!

from The Ballad of Reading Gaol by Oscar Wilde.


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## CAKCy (Sep 4, 2021)




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## CAKCy (Sep 5, 2021)




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## Shero (Sep 6, 2021)




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## CAKCy (Sep 6, 2021)

@Shero 

Thank you!
For the present...
...and the tears....

She may be the face I can’t forget
A trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or
The price I have to pay

She may be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She may be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven
Or a hell

She may be the mirror of my dream
A smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell

She who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and proud
No-one’s allowed to see them
When they cry

She may be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I remember
'Till the day I die

She may be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I’m alive
The one I’ll care for
Through the rough and rainy years

Me, I’ll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I’ve got to be
The meaning of my life is she

She, she


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## Shero (Sep 6, 2021)

Love is a free flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes, it stays for life; other times it stays for a day, a month, a year or years. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it.


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## CAKCy (Sep 6, 2021)

Shero said:


> Love is a free flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes, it stays for life; other times it stays for a day, a month, a year or years. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it.



... you had to twist the knife in the wound, didn't you?


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## Shero (Sep 6, 2021)

CAKCy said:


> ... you had to twist the knife in the wound, didn't you?


Non non mon ami, I was hoping to dress the wound


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## CAKCy (Sep 6, 2021)

Shero said:


> Non non mon ami, I was hoping to dress the wound



I know my friend...
No worries...


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## CAKCy (Sep 6, 2021)

@Shero 

I want to thank you again... I didn't know the song.
I heard it many times since you gifted it to me with the same exact emotions....

Thank you!


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## CAKCy (Sep 9, 2021)




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## CAKCy (Sep 9, 2021)

The Universe conspiring to fill the vacuum with more vacuum
the emptiness with more emptiness
the abyss with more abyss
The falling has no end but the end....


----------

