# Do You Want to be Cared for by Your Family



## Jules (Jul 30, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> _Just my opinion_, but we should take care of our own elders. Some people say they can't because of their career, but I wish taking care of our own elders would become the expected custom (again).


This came up in What are you Doing Today.  It seems to deserve it’s own discussion. 

Sure we’d all like to be fit enough to live in our own home until the end but realistically that may not happen.  Would you move in with your family?  Would you expect them to care for you?

Caring for your family was the custom 50+ years ago.  At least the woman in the house was expected to do it. 

Frankly, I don’t want to be cared for in the home of any of either of our families’.  I would rather end up in a care place, hopefully having gone from moderate assistance to all-care, if need be. 

Right now we don’t live near family.  Depending who goes first, I would move close to my family, definitely not in with them.


----------



## DebraMae (Jul 30, 2022)

No, Jules.  I would not want to be taken care of by family either.  I am hoping for massive heart attack or stroke, seriously.  At this age and with all I have seen I think that would be the best option.  And I do have a DNR.


----------



## Patricia (Jul 30, 2022)

DebraMae said:


> No, Jules.  I would not want to be taken care of by family either.  I am hoping for massive heart attack or stroke, seriously.  At this age and with all I have seen I think that would be the best option.  And I do have a DNR.


What is a DNR?


----------



## DebraMae (Jul 30, 2022)

Patricia said:


> What is a DNR?


Do not resuscitate.  I am even thinking of having that tattooed on my chest.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

Jules said:


> This came up in What are you Doing Today.  It seems to deserve it’s own discussion.
> 
> Sure we’d all like to be fit enough to live in our own home until the end but realistically that may not happen.  Would you move in with your family?  Would you expect them to care for you?
> 
> ...


I wouldn't mind it. My sister always says she'll take care of me in my old age. She still says it even though I'm married now. She says she'll "babysit me" while Michelle works.

I've worked at state-run senior care homes, and they're atrocious. If you can afford 3 or 4 thousand bucks a month for a nice one, you'll get a nice one. If you can't, your screwed unless you have family who are happy (or at least willing) to care for you.


----------



## Ruthanne (Jul 30, 2022)

Patricia said:


> What is a DNR?


Do Not Resuscitate


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

Jules said:


> Caring for your family was the custom 50+ years ago.  *At least the woman in the house was expected to do it*.


But the old woman (or man) being cared for minded the children while the carer did the usual chores. It was give & take unless one of them was an invalid.


----------



## RadishRose (Jul 30, 2022)

Not cared for, but near enough to visit now and then.


----------



## Aunt Bea (Jul 30, 2022)

No worries about my family stepping up to take care of me.

I prefer life in a facility with some regulatory oversight surrounded by paid professionals that have no baggage or agenda.

My hope is that I can get out of this world with little more than a brief stay in a local hospice.


----------



## Paco Dennis (Jul 30, 2022)

If I am seriously ill, Misa takes care of, as I do for her. My middle aged children live 4 hours away with their own lives and families. I would not want to burden them with watching me die. When it is my time...I am hoping for some kind of assisted suicide. I really do not want to go to a home.


----------



## Aunt Bea (Jul 30, 2022)

Paco Dennis said:


> I am hoping for some kind of assisted suicide. I really do not want to go to a home.


That was my hope too.

I’m not optimistic that it will become an option in my lifetime now that Roe v. Wade has been overturned.


----------



## DebraMae (Jul 30, 2022)

Aunt Bea said:


> No worries about my family stepping up to take care of me.
> 
> I prefer life in a facility with some regulatory oversight surrounded by paid professionals that have no baggage or agenda.
> 
> My hope is that I can get out of this world with little more than a brief stay in a local hospice.


Me too.


----------



## DebraMae (Jul 30, 2022)

Paco Dennis said:


> If I am seriously ill, Misa takes care of, as I do for her. My middle aged children live 4 hours away with their own lives and families. I would not want to burden them with watching me die. When it is my time...I am hoping for some kind of assisted suicide. I really do not want to go to a home.


I believe it is Oregon who now offers this to non-residents.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

Aunt Bea said:


> That was my hope too.
> 
> I’m not optimistic that it will become an option in my lifetime now that Roe v. Wade has been overturned.


It could, because it can be considered a completely different issue, and a protected right.


----------



## Alligatorob (Jul 30, 2022)

Jules said:


> Do You Want to be Cared for by Your Family


No!

A final vacation to Oregon sounds better!


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

DebraMae said:


> I believe it is Oregon who now offers this to non-residents.


Do you have to be terminally ill? Calif allows it but you have to be terminally ill, and even though old-age is terminal, it isn't classified as an illness.


----------



## hollydolly (Jul 30, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> But the old woman (or man) being cared for minded the children while the carer did the usual chores. It was give & take unless one of them was an invalid.


however the ''carer''  who would have been a young wife with children.. now can't afford not to work, so to care for an elderly family member would mean giving up work. The elder relative one would suppose, being unable to care for themselves would therefore not be in any position to care for children while the parents worked...  ...


----------



## Happy Heart (Jul 30, 2022)

Paco Dennis said:


> If I am seriously ill, Misa takes care of, as I do for her. My middle aged children live 4 hours away with their own lives and families. I would not want to burden them with watching me die. When it is my time...I am hoping for some kind of assisted suicide. I really do not want to go to a home.


Be careful what you ask for.  I have read that if insurance companies decide you have spent too much of their money   it is time for your last exit since it is legal in many places now.  Why bother them with medical care when you have another option!


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> however the ''carer''  who would have been a young wife with children.. now can't afford not to work, so to care for an elderly family member would mean giving up work. The elder relative one would suppose, being unable to care for themselves would therefore not be in any position to care for children while the parents worked...  ...


We were talking about 50+ years ago, when not many women worked outside the home.


----------



## DebraMae (Jul 30, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Do you have to be terminally ill? Calif allows it but you have to be terminally ill, and even though old-age is terminal, it isn't classified as an illness.


Yes, I think it is required that two doctors confirm that.  It has been a while since I read it.
https://www.npr.org/2022/03/30/1089647368/oregon-physician-assisted-death-state-residents


----------



## Paco Dennis (Jul 30, 2022)

Happy Heart said:


> Be careful what you ask for.  I have read that if insurance companies decide you have spent too much of their money   it is time for your last exit since it is legal in many places now.  Why bother them with medical care when you have another option!


I only have Medicare A&B. No insurance companies. Are there really places in the states that offer assisted suicide?


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> however the ''carer''  who would have been a young wife with children.. now can't afford not to work, so to care for an elderly family member would mean giving up work. The elder relative one would suppose, being unable to care for themselves would therefore not be in any position to care for children while the parents worked...  ...


In your normal, average household, parents give up their hopes and dreams when children come along. Some take a break from college, or pass up a great-paying job that requires moving away from familiar schools, or too many hours away from family. Decent parents make sacrifices for their children, and 60-80 years later, it's a decent thing when their children do. too.

I know not all families are decent. Fewer are now than ever, I think. I'm just saying "I wish" we could go back to this custom. It would greatly benefit society in general, imo.


----------



## hollydolly (Jul 30, 2022)

Alligatorob said:


> No!
> 
> A final vacation to Oregon sounds better!


It's about time we had dozens more ''Oregons'' !! We have been fighting for this in the UK for donkey's years.. There's no such facility in the UK.. it means a cost of £10k, and a visit to a Swiss death clinic ( Dignitas non profit organisation)..but to qualify for that you must be physical able to fly, and have sufficient movement as to be able to administer the poison yourself. .. ( this is a stipulation)... ..and altho' friends and relatives are encouraged to be with the dying person, they face being arrested on their return for assisting.. and 14 years prison...,

It's just the most appalling situation for those with critical or terminal  illness who no longer wish to extend their lives

https://www.dignityindying.org.uk/why-we-need-change/dignitas/


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

Paco Dennis said:


> I only have Medicare A&B. No insurance companies. Are there really places in the states that offer assisted suicide?


There are, but I think 100% of them require you to have a terminal illness.


----------



## hollydolly (Jul 30, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> In your normal, average household, parents give up their hopes and dreams when children come along. Some take a break from college, or pass up a great-paying job that requires moving away from familiar schools, or too many hours away from family. Decent parents make sacrifices for their children, and 60-80 years later, it's a decent thing when their children do. too.
> 
> I know not all families are decent. Fewer are now than ever, I think. I'm just saying "I wish" we could go back to this custom. It would greatly benefit society in general, imo.


60-80 years later.. no-one foresaw  back in the 40's and 50's..the cost of living being such that both parents would have no option but to work just to put food on the table and a roof over their heads... it's quite untenable in this modern world for the average family to give up paid employment to care for someone else..


----------



## Uptosnuff (Jul 30, 2022)

DebraMae said:


> Do not resuscitate.  I am even thinking of having that tattooed on my chest.


Like in Doc Martin?


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> 60-80 years later.. no-one foresaw  back in the 40's and 50's..the cost of living being such that both parents would have no option but to work just to put food on the table and a roof over their heads... it's quite untenable in this modern world for the average family to give up paid employment to care for someone else..


When state and local governments can waste billions on housing and old-folks homes that either never materialize or are under-staffed, under-supplied, poorly maintained pits of despair, I think we could make this happen.


----------



## hollydolly (Jul 30, 2022)

Uptosnuff said:


> Like in Doc Martin?


this is a thing in the UK..I know this.. People do have DNR tattooed on their chest....


----------



## DebraMae (Jul 30, 2022)

Uptosnuff said:


> Like in Doc Martin?


I love Doc Martin.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> this is a thing in the UK..I know this.. People do have DNR tattooed on their chest....


Some of them are really pretty. (ones I've seen on ladies)


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

DebraMae said:


> I love Doc Martin.


Me too! But isn't this like season 20, or so? After the 10th, it got kind of boring and too silly.


----------



## hollydolly (Jul 30, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> Me too! But isn't this like season 20, or so? After the 10th, it got kind of boring and too silly.


that's what happens. The writers run out of credible stories and everything becomes silly and unbelivable


----------



## DebraMae (Jul 30, 2022)




----------



## Blessed (Jul 30, 2022)

I would still watch it if it was on, I loved it.  Loved the characters, the scenery the actors.  I started watching it just after my husband died.  The moment the opening music came on all the stress would just leave my body.  For a short while each week I was somewhere else.


----------



## Buckeye (Jul 30, 2022)

The absolute last thing I want is to be a burden to my only son.  When I can't take care of myself, he has been instructed to have me delivered to the cheapest nursing home, and never ever pay me a visit.  I don't want his last memory of me to be some drooling, senile, incapacitated old coot laying in a soiled bed.


----------



## Patricia (Jul 30, 2022)

Jules said:


> This came up in What are you Doing Today.  It seems to deserve it’s own discussion.
> 
> Sure we’d all like to be fit enough to live in our own home until the end but realistically that may not happen.  Would you move in with your family?  Would you expect them to care for you?
> 
> ...





Jules said:


> This came up in What are you Doing Today.  It seems to deserve it’s own discussion.
> 
> Sure we’d all like to be fit enough to live in our own home until the end but realistically that may not happen.  Would you move in with your family?  Would you expect them to care for you?
> 
> ...


When I read about the Amish get together to add to the back of the house for elderly, I wondered how people moved in the direction of dropping family members off at the other places. I realize there are times a health condition would require more than what could be offered by a family member, and people have unique situations that won't support the Amish approach. Your question is what would I want? and at one time I would have considered that a no brainer. I think the answer depends on the feelings of those doing the caretaking. I wouldn't want to be somewhere that I was seen as a burden. I took my dad in, so glad I had that time with him, and it would seem natural to me to take in family. Whether a family member wanted me there would be the question I would have to answer to know the answer to your question, and then go from there. I think my generation is still from the old school somewhat, and the newer have been subjected to so much advice, learning what to do from a book or what is promoted, that they can be excused for possibly going basic instincts. As for what I think now, I've lived my life for the most part, so I to think the younger family members to do what is best for them. Without a doubt, I relax if all is well for them, so that's what matters the most. In other words, I'm more concerned how they would be affected than myself. What I thought then compared to my concerns now about where I would go leaves me in limbo. What I think today could be swayed by something I don't know or haven't considered. I must play what to do it by ear.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

Buckeye said:


> The absolute last thing I want is to be a burden to my only son.  When I can't take care of myself, he has been instructed to have me delivered to the cheapest nursing home, and never ever pay me a visit.  I don't want his last memory of me to be some drooling, senile, incapacitated old coot laying in a soiled bed.


I gave my kids the same exact instructions. But I'll just off myself when the time comes, and they know it; I told them. I will know when it's the right time for that.


----------



## Em in Ohio (Jul 30, 2022)

DebraMae said:


> Do not resuscitate.  I am even thinking of having that tattooed on my chest.


I'm all for DNR orders.  I was in a park for a canoe trip and wrote DNR on my arm in permanent marker, in case I drowned.  My paddle buddy asked, "Why did you write Department of Natural Resources on yourself!"  Yep, same acronym and it took me a while to figure out what he was asking!


----------



## dko1951 (Jul 30, 2022)

DebraMae said:


> I believe it is Oregon who now offers this to non-residents.


Last  time I checked, about 8 yrs ago, it cost $5,000 for the poke.


----------



## Em in Ohio (Jul 30, 2022)

For me, I'd like advice on how to best off myself when I feel it's time.  Having worked in nursing homes, no way. As to moving in with my daughter, no way - I can't even get her to give me a routine wellness call now, although she is getting slightly more attentive since my Covid-19.  Yes, I wish we were like the Walton family, but those days are long gone. Goodnight, all!


----------



## C50 (Jul 30, 2022)

I absolutly do not want any one taking care of me, and I mean anyone!  I just want it to end on my terms.  I have done enough care taking in my life to realize the harsh realities of all that's necessary,  and the terrible shame those needing the care experience.  None of that for this bag of bones.


----------



## MarciKS (Jul 30, 2022)

Paco Dennis said:


> I only have Medicare A&B. No insurance companies. Are there really places in the states that offer assisted suicide?


*Physician-assisted suicide is legal in ten US states and the District of Columbia*. It is an option given to individuals by law in Colorado, the District of Columbia, Hawaii, Maine, New Jersey, New Mexico, Oregon, Vermont and Washington. It is an option given to individuals in Montana and California via court decision. 

Otherwise I think you have to leave the country. Someone posted a video about it in one of the threads and the spouse had gone with the husband to be by his side despite the possibility of being jailed for assisiting in his suicide I believe.


----------



## Murrmurr (Jul 30, 2022)

Em in Ohio said:


> For me, I'd like advice on how to best off myself when I feel it's time.  ..Goodnight, all!


There is information online. Skip the ones posted by medical clinics, though. They mostly talk about legalities, not formulas.


----------



## Judycat (Jul 30, 2022)

Em in Ohio said:


> For me, I'd like advice on how to best off myself when I feel it's time.  Having worked in nursing homes, no way. As to moving in with my daughter, no way - I can't even get her to give me a routine wellness call now, although she is getting slightly more attentive since my Covid-19.  Yes, I wish we were like the Walton family, but those days are long gone. Goodnight, all!


I have imagined myself stepping in front of a truck loaded with logs.


----------



## Em in Ohio (Jul 30, 2022)

Seriously, I find it absurd that most people don't think twice about putting a beloved pet "to sleep" rather than see it suffer. Yet, we let our elderly suffer - only prolonging their dying, not sustaining any reasonable quality of life.  Lots of money to be made by stretching out our deaths.  This is cruelty beyond belief.  If there are countries where you can decide it is your time without a terminal diagnosis signed in triplicate, I'll stop saving for a used car and set money aside for air fare!


----------



## dko1951 (Jul 30, 2022)

Judycat said:


> I have imagined myself stepping in front of a truck loaded with logs.


Too messy and involves another person that will live with that memory. Try a solo approach. Then it's just your friends and family feeling guilty.


----------



## Judycat (Jul 30, 2022)

dko1951 said:


> Too messy and involves another person that will live with that memory. Try a solo approach. Then it's just your friends and family feeling guilty.


Nope. Log truck it is.


----------



## Happy Heart (Jul 30, 2022)

dko1951 said:


> Last  time I checked, about 8 yrs ago, it cost $5,000 for the poke.


Today, it is two pills according to my nurse neighbor.


----------



## MountainRa (Jul 30, 2022)

I am currently caring for my 88 year old mom in my home. There’s both negative and positive aspects to the situation but overall it is working fairly well.
However, I do not want either one of my children, as wonderful as they are, to have to take me into their home .
I want to think that I will take the necessary steps when I feel my life has run it’s course.


----------



## hollydolly (Jul 30, 2022)

Blessed said:


> I would still watch it if it was on, I loved it.  Loved the characters, the scenery the actors.  I started watching it just after my husband died.  The moment the opening music came on all the stress would just leave my body.  For a short while each week I was somewhere else.


Last episode ever was filmed yesterday... after 18 years...

https://metro.co.uk/2022/07/29/mart...s-on-itvs-doc-martin-after-18-years-17090971/


----------



## Don M. (Jul 30, 2022)

Our kids and grandkids live fairly close, but I would Never want to burden them with having to care for us.  We maintain a LTC policy that should give us a reasonable amount of care.  Hell, IMO, would be bedridden with a terminal illness, and being kept alive by "machines".  Among our documents is a DNR, and the kids are on board with our wishes.


----------



## Patricia (Jul 30, 2022)

hollydolly said:


> 60-80 years later.. no-one foresaw  back in the 40's and 50's..the cost of living being such that both parents would have no option but to work just to put food on the table and a roof over their heads... it's quite untenable in this modern world for the average family to give up paid employment to care for someone else..


Times have changed. Like Edmund Burke said in some way, be careful not to lose what is good with change. I'm trying to remember the exact period of time I started hearing about the advice that children are better off at day care learning from their peers. I think it was Maria Shriver that suggested to throw away the book. At a later date, someone I know was told it's not good to move in a parent in cause could affect his relationship with his third wife. Wives tend to come and go these days, so something to think about how someone will feel in the long haul. There was a period of time people started receiving more advice about how to go about life. All I know from taking my family member in is that I am so thankful for the time we had together. It's true that both people work more now, but everyone questions why there are so many cultural problems that didn't exist in the past too. Seniors can be cared for in a home where two people work, just as they could at any other location. That way, there is oversight too. Married women who don't work outside the home are now often made to feel in such a way that they don't measure up, so I guess some of what to do at any period of time can be like a fad. The generation before the ladies doing the same were often highly esteemed. Something else to think about is how many people take antidepressants? When change is good, it seems like there wouldn't be such a need for those drugs on the level that's being reported. All I'm suggesting is to consider the changes that have taken place in society and are they good or bad. There is a book to read, but I need to look for the title, that goes into how advice is given in such a way to cover the whole instead of individual. I think people should make decisions based on individual circumstance. If your read my previous post, I said I'm playing by ear and don't have the answer.


----------



## Em in Ohio (Jul 30, 2022)

Happy Heart said:


> Today, it is two pills according to my nurse neighbor.


Does she have any?  (-;


----------



## Patricia (Jul 30, 2022)

Don M. said:


> Our kids and grandkids live fairly close, but I would Never want to burden them with having to care for us.  We maintain a LTC policy that should give us a reasonable amount of care.  Hell, IMO, would be bedridden with a terminal illness, and being kept alive by "machines".  Among our documents is a DNR, and the kids are on board with our wishes.


You probably don't think it was a burden to take care of your children, so it might not be a burden to them.


----------



## C50 (Jul 30, 2022)

Em in Ohio said:


> Seriously, I find it absurd that most people don't think twice about putting a beloved pet "to sleep" rather than see it suffer. Yet, we let our elderly suffer - only prolonging their dying, not sustaining any reasonable quality of life.  Lots of money to be made by stretching out our deaths.  This is cruelty beyond belief.  If there are countries where you can decide it is your time without a terminal diagnosis signed in triplicate, I'll stop saving for a used car and set money aside for air fare!


I agree.


----------



## dseag2 (Jul 30, 2022)

I have no family.  I am an only child, and both of my parents are deceased.  I don't expect my partner's sister and her family to take care of me.  I am a realist.  My partner is 8 years younger and may outlive me.  He was absolutely there for me when I went through severe depression, but I don't expect him to replace my adult diapers.  I'm trying to save as much money as possible for some type of facility.


----------



## dseag2 (Jul 30, 2022)

Murrmurr said:


> I wouldn't mind it. My sister always says she'll take care of me in my old age. She still says it even though I'm married now. She says she'll "babysit me" while Michelle works.
> 
> I've worked at state-run senior care homes, and they're atrocious. If you can afford 3 or 4 thousand bucks a month for a nice one, you'll get a nice one. If you can't, your screwed unless you have family who are happy (or at least willing) to care for you.


3 or 4 thousand bucks?  My mother's assisted living facility cost $7,000 per month.  Fortunately the sale of her house in her 55+ community paid for it until she passed away.


----------



## Patricia (Jul 30, 2022)

Buckeye said:


> The absolute last thing I want is to be a burden to my only son.  When I can't take care of myself, he has been instructed to have me delivered to the cheapest nursing home, and never ever pay me a visit.  I don't want his last memory of me to be some drooling, senile, incapacitated old coot laying in a soiled bed.





dseag2 said:


> I have no family.  I am an only child, and both of my parents are deceased.  I don't expect my partner's sister and her family to take care of me.  I am a realist.  My partner is 8 years younger and may outlive me.  He was absolutely there for me when I went through severe depression, but I don't expect him to replace my adult diapers.  I'm trying to save as much money as possible for some type of facility.


I've been surprised to read how so many people think of such extreme care, such as changing diapers, when posting. My dad moved in with me and, although he could have lived alone, my mother passed away and he was sad. Also, every so often he had nightmare and jumped from the bed, which was a danger for him. My grandfather did the same in his older age. My grandfather was cared for by family until he passed away. Both lived with family for years without any need for intense care. Both lived quite some time after their spouses died. Considering it is said spouses often follow each other in death, I tried to make sure my dad wasn't lonely and knew he was loved. I understand what you are saying about not having family other than a spouse. My experiences are of those who no longer had their spouse when they moved in with family.


----------



## Pepper (Jul 31, 2022)

I would have cared for my mother no matter what.  However, I have no expectations of that for me.  If I have the guts and the physical strength, it would be suicide before any facility.  I've got it all planned out.


----------



## Bella (Jul 31, 2022)

Some people are fortunate to have children or family willing to care for them in their old age. However, having children and/or family is no guarantee that they will _want_ to do that. Others have no one. Depending on others to care for you in old age or adhere to your wishes about end-of-life care is dicey. People can promise you anything, but when push comes to shove, and it eventually will, you might be at their mercy.

Having your wishes documented in writing is paramount. Even then, you can't be assured that it will be adhered to. If you don't wish for family to care for you or you have no one, you're in better shape if you can afford a decent facility. Money simply buys better care. If not, you're screwed. A state run nursing facility is absolutely abysmal, and how you're cared for is completely out of your control. Not to mention, if you don't have family, or at least someone who cares about your well-being to look in on you, you're doubly screwed. People who believe otherwise are deluded.

If you want to go to a facility/nursing home, do your homework!

* A Comprehensive Guide to State Regulations for Assisted Living* > https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/assisted-living-violations

*Federal and State Nursing Home & Assisted Living Regulations Transparency, Safety and Living Resources for All 50 States* > https://www.seniorliving.org/nursing-homes/state-federal-regulations/

I live in the real world and have no illusions. I have no intention of being at anyone's mercy ever. I'm well aware that the only person I can truly count on is me. When the time comes where I can no longer care for myself, I'll end it my way. No muss, no fuss. Adif'inos.



Bella


----------



## Timewise 60+ (Jul 31, 2022)

My wife and I did care for one of our parents as they aged.  

My mother had COPD and over a period of twelve years she slowly lost her health to this terminal disease.  She was a smoker for over 20+ years (she quit at 55) which she acknowledged smoking was the cause of her COPD.  When she started needing help, she moved to a place near us that allowed her to have her own apartment where she could get multiple levels of support in her apartment as she needed it.  We visited her very often, took her out to eat or to see a play or concert.  During our visits we sometimes, helped her determine what added support or help she needed.  She also knew we were minutes away and that we would come whenever she needed us.    In time, she had to have a qualified provider with her 24-7.  One evening she passed in her sleep.  The provider called us at 3am to advise us she had passed.   I feel I was blessed to have had that time with her during her last few years of her life. RIP mom...

My father-in-law moved into the same place where my mom had stayed.  He liked all the services they offered and the fact that we were close by.  He had no health issues; he was just getting old and could not do things he used to do.  We pretty much did the same things with him; we did with my mom.  He only lasted a few years, he died in a hospital following a fall he took in his bathroom.  He was almost 101 when he died, he was a special guy!  He was raised on a farm where he went on to get a college degree in Petroleum Engineering.   He then joined the Army Air Corp where he was trained as a B 17 Pilot.  

Accordingly, my wife and I have provided for ourselves so that we and/or our kids will have the instructions and funding to see we are taken care of in our old age.  My oldest son has been briefed and his brother and sister know he will lead the effort with their full support.  RIP Chris...


----------



## StillLearning (Jul 31, 2022)

My beliefs: If we are put here on earth to learn lessons, what type of lessons would a person learn in a nursing home?  

How long does the average person stay in a nursing home? Medicare pays for 3 months I believe.


----------



## StillLearning (Jul 31, 2022)

Patricia said:


> Times have changed. Like Edmund Burke said in some way, be careful not to lose what is good with change. I'm trying to remember the exact period of time I started hearing about the advice that children are better off at day care learning from their peers. I think it was Maria Shriver that suggested to throw away the book. At a later date, someone I know was told it's not good to move in a parent in cause could affect his relationship with his third wife. Wives tend to come and go these days, so something to think about how someone will feel in the long haul. There was a period of time people started receiving more advice about how to go about life. All I know from taking my family member in is that I am so thankful for the time we had together. It's true that both people work more now, but everyone questions why there are so many cultural problems that didn't exist in the past too. Seniors can be cared for in a home where two people work, just as they could at any other location. That way, there is oversight too. Married women who don't work outside the home are now often made to feel in such a way that they don't measure up, so I guess some of what to do at any period of time can be like a fad. The generation before the ladies doing the same were often highly esteemed. Something else to think about is how many people take antidepressants? When change is good, it seems like there wouldn't be such a need for those drugs on the level that's being reported. All I'm suggesting is to consider the changes that have taken place in society and are they good or bad. There is a book to read, but I need to look for the title, that goes into how advice is given in such a way to cover the whole instead of individual. I think people should make decisions based on individual circumstance. If your read my previous post, I said I'm playing by ear and don't have the answer.


If you remember the book, please let us know.


----------



## Patricia (Jul 31, 2022)

StillLearning said:


> If you remember the book, please let us know.


Dr. Breggin Ithica NY  His books


----------



## J-Kat (Jul 31, 2022)

My parents are deceased.  I had two brothers, one deceased and the other is 91 and in an assisted living facility in another city.  I have no children.  I have nieces and nephews but none live nearby and I have no expectation or desire that they be available to take care of me.  I have a wonderful neighbor who is happy to take me to medical appointments if needed (like my recent cataract surgery) which is not often.  I was a medical social worker for all of my career.  I saw it all and then some.  I vowed I would prepare for my “golden years” and not end up in a situation not of my own making and I have tried to do that. I have long term care insurance.  I have a decent income and savings.  So I have some options.


----------



## officerripley (Jul 31, 2022)

I've heard so much about what a rip-off long term care insurance can be; maybe it's just here in my state or this part of it, IDK, but after the big expose they had in our state capitol's paper, with a lot of companies, it's a complete waste of money: as soon as people go to collect, the company throws up every excuse to not pay or files bankruptcy, etc.


----------



## oldman (Jul 31, 2022)

I like the idea of assisted living.


----------



## Remy (Jul 31, 2022)

If I don't laugh I'll cry. And hell to the no! I had enough of their effing care growing up. Bleep family.


----------



## OneEyedDiva (Jul 31, 2022)

My son lives with me now and I told him if he's smart, he'll stay here even after I'm gone. I would hope that should the day come that I need to be cared for, he will be able to find a good home health aid and nurse if he is still working. If the State Health Benefits program keeps Aetna, then 35 hours a week of at home care would be covered by my plan for an unlimited time. But I have no doubt that my son, my honorary daughter and maybe even a couple of my grandchildren would make sure I'm taken care of as long as they are able.


----------



## dseag2 (Jul 31, 2022)

Patricia said:


> I've been surprised to read how so many people think of such extreme care, such as changing diapers, when posting. My dad moved in with me and, although he could have lived alone, my mother passed away and he was sad. Also, every so often he had nightmare and jumped from the bed, which was a danger for him. My grandfather did the same in his older age. My grandfather was cared for by family until he passed away. Both lived with family for years without any need for intense care. Both lived quite some time after their spouses died. Considering it is said spouses often follow each other in death, I tried to make sure my dad wasn't lonely and knew he was loved. I understand what you are saying about not having family other than a spouse. My experiences are of those who no longer had their spouse when they moved in with family.


This is actually good to hear.  My mother had adult diapers for the last few years of her life, so that is my only point of reference.  I hope to remain self-sufficient for as long as possible.


----------



## Leann (Jul 31, 2022)

This touches such a deep chord for me and perhaps one day I will share my experiences concerning caring for my parents. But suffice it to say that I have extensive knowledge of what it's like to be a caregiver to my folks. I did it out of love and because neither wanted to ever be placed in a care facility. However, it has completely shaped how I feel if I am in the the need for care.

If caring for me means taking me to a doctor's appointment or picking up a prescription for me, then I would be okay with asking for help. But if my needs become more extensive then I can't and won't ask family or friends to upend their lives to take care of me. I have insurance to help with paying for this type of care should I need it.


----------



## Gardenlover (Jul 31, 2022)

Aunt Bea said:


> ... My hope is that I can get out of this world with little more than a brief stay in a local hospice.


My hope as well.


----------



## Timewise 60+ (Aug 1, 2022)

After being a caregiver for both my mother and father-in-law there is one thing, I learned relevant to many who posted here.   

You probably will not 'go out' the way you want to.  

It may come slowly or with a sudden illness that leaves you unable to care for yourself. Therefore, do not assume you will have control or have a quick death, it frequently does not go that way.  Have a plan to take care of yourself in case you cannot take care of yourself.  Let others who you can trust know about your plans and promise to follow your wishes.   A good Trust lawyer can help you set something up to provide funding and direction to your caregivers.  They also will help to make sure your wishes are being followed.  Of course, this also, comes at a cost.


----------



## Lethe200 (Aug 1, 2022)

My widowed MIL had rosy visions of living with us until "she felt she was ready to go into a nursing home."

The problem was multi-fold:
- All her friends and family had either died, were already in facilities, or lived out of state/country.

- She had always depended on other people to make friends; when by herself she honestly didn't know how to BE a friend, so she declined every offer of friendship, with a smile and a nod. She wanted friends, but if THEY didn't make 100% of the effort, she never took the initiative. Even her own family, when she visited them on a month's long stay, would get tired of having to do all the entertaining. She was always willing to agree to any activity, but otherwise was completely passive.

- We lived a very incompatible lifestyle vs hers. Ours is chaotic and non-routine; we like it that way. Our lifestyle literally terrified her.

- She had mild dementia and the isolation she imposed on herself was making it worse. Taking her to senior centers 2x/wk and phone calls to friends/family just wasn't enough. She was content but not really happy or mentally stimulated.

When her dementia got worse it stressed my Spouse terrifically. He's an only child but had no idea how to put up with an aging, mentally challenged adult. Since he had already suffered a stroke at age 50 I wasn't pleased about his BP soaring when he was trying to figure out how she let $10K disappear in a year's time out of her checking account, when she was rarely traveling and had few expenses anyway.

I finally put my foot down and we investigated seniorcare facilities. Found a wonderful place where Asst. Lvg was exactly right for her, with future Memory Care capability if needed. The casual, everyday, routine social interaction was EXACTLY what she needed. Almost no one there even realized she had any dementia at all! She was incredibly happy, and to this day (five yrs after her death) we still contribute to this non-profit facility.

My Spouse has no family here at all; the closest relative is in GA. I have family here but my niece/nephew are already sandwiched between pre-teen kids and aging parents/in-laws. No way would we burden friends or family with our aging needs.

Financial planning will allow us a very comfortable old age, so that we can afford the help we may live long enough to need.


----------



## Jules (Aug 1, 2022)

Timewise 60+ said:


> After being a caregiver for both my mother and father-in-law there is one thing, I learned relevant to many who posted here.
> 
> You probably will not 'go out' the way you want to.
> 
> It may come slowly or with a sudden illness that leaves you unable to care for yourself. Therefore, do not assume you will have control or have a quick death, it frequently does not go that way.  Have a plan to take care of yourself in case you cannot take care of yourself.  Let others who you can trust know about your plans and promise to follow your wishes.   A good Trust lawyer can help you set something up to provide funding and direction to your caregivers.  They also will help to make sure your wishes are being followed.  Of course, this also, comes at a cost.


This is what I fear.  I won’t get the chance to go on my own terms or very quickly - no muss, no fuss.


----------



## officerripley (Aug 1, 2022)

Timewise 60+ said:


> After being a caregiver for both my mother and father-in-law there is one thing, I learned relevant to many who posted here.
> 
> You probably will not 'go out' the way you want to.
> 
> It may come slowly or with a sudden illness that leaves you unable to care for yourself. Therefore, do not assume you will have control or have a quick death, it frequently does not go that way.  Have a plan to take care of yourself in case you cannot take care of yourself.  Let others who you can trust know about your plans and promise to follow your wishes.   A good Trust lawyer can help you set something up to provide funding and direction to your caregivers.  They also will help to make sure your wishes are being followed.  Of course, this also, comes at a cost.


I agree. Kind of the same here; over a 10 year period, I was primary caregiver for 5 elderly parents and only one "went out" the way she wanted to (well, almost, she'd rather it'd been my sister instead of me caring for her), dying in her own home.


----------



## Timewise 60+ (Aug 1, 2022)

Jules said:


> This is what I fear.  I won’t get the chance to go on my own terms or very quickly - no muss, no fuss.


Jules, I share your concern, all I can say is try to plan accordingly...


----------



## DaveA (Aug 7, 2022)

You mean in the same way that I have cared for them.  You bet.  We have cared for family, young and old, over the years.  Some have passed, others continue on, hopefully, to old age.

We live among family and always have. We  live in the home where I was born back in 1933, as did my parents and grandparents .  My folks and grandparents died in this house and hopefully my wife and I will as well .  In fact she cared for my mom back in the mid 60's (with visits from a nurse) and would comb my mother's hair every day to make her feel better about herself. She died at home after a long illness.  Dad passed within a few months, from a sudden heart attack.

We gave this house and property to our youngest daughter with a life lease to live out our days here, That was back in 1995 and the best move we ever made.  Now the six of us share the old homestead. Daughter, SIL, and 2 - 20 year old grandkids.  We have no idea how it's going to end for us but I expect and hope for, the same level of help and caring.


----------



## Been There (Aug 27, 2022)

I don’t have a family. It’s just me and my faithful companion, Jax. Jax was named after Jacksonville, Florida. My last Naval Station I was assigned to.


----------



## 911 (Aug 28, 2022)

I have a policy for LTD when I get so old that I have to be tended to. I think it covers up to $2500 per day for a few years or something like that. I have to get out the policy and read over it again. That doesn't sound right.


----------



## deaver (Aug 28, 2022)

no family left to care for me..I also have a modified DNR/DNI posted on the fridge door and in my med records at all my care facilities. But I dont think I want to go out laying on my back suffocating because I cant breathe. I am thinking of other ways.


----------



## Teacher Terry (Aug 28, 2022)

My youngest son said he would live with me if I can’t live alone. Him and I have lived together many times and get along well. If I can’t physically care for myself then I will not burden him. Obviously if I get dementia it’s off to a home. I helped care for both my parents but neither lived with me.


----------

