# My Sister Is Exhibiting Signs of Dementia



## OneEyedDiva (May 20, 2021)

I first noticed it a couple of years ago when she got confused driving routes that she used often in the past. Her daughter and our niece noticed things also, maybe before I did. My sister is very close with her children, particularly her son who had an apartment in the house they bought together. Her daughter and SIL moved about an hour and a half away a few years ago. Her children are well educated, loving and caring. My nieces and I noticed that she tends to get more confused and agitated. She remembers events from the past pretty well but her short term memory is shot. Recently while we were at dinner at her son’s, she asked him the same question about 5 times within 25 minutes. Each time, he responded the same way.

It seems to one of our nieces and I that her son doesn’t want to deal with it. I know how it is to be in denial about dementia in a parent; I went through it with my mother. In November I had a long talk with her daughter about her mom’s progression. My sister got mad at me because I wouldn’t come for Thanksgiving dinner (due to COVID I wasn't comfortable yet with gatherings). I had told her to have a nice dinner and enjoy who was there. She said she wouldn’t because I wasn’t coming and hung up on me. My nieces said they experienced similar things. So I sent her daughter an article about dementia which featured it's stages and asked her to share it with her brother. I thought perhaps one of them could talk with her doctor, explain what they’ve noticed and perhaps the doctor could give her something to delay the progression. 

More recently our oldest niece said that my sister should have a medical POA when I said that her children may have limited or no access to my sister’s medical information. I suggested that she mention it to my sister’s daughter. She said she would but a few days later she texted me that she decided not to. I texted her back that I understood. My niece said her brother is having some stressful times trying to deal with their mother. I told her that it’s only going to get worse if she doesn’t get some help. I’m hoping that will be the catalyst for them being more proactive.


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## Aunt Bea (May 20, 2021)

Hopefully, you will be able to talk to your sister about planning for the future and knowing what to expect as the disease progresses.

If she can stay six months to a year ahead of the disease progression she should be able to live independently while still making plans to move into a more structured living situation at some point in the future.

This link may help to come up with some talking points or ideas for all of you to consider.

https://www.alz.org/help-support/i-have-alz/know-what-to-expect/if_you_live_alone

Best wishes to you and your family as you work through this together.


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## Keesha (May 20, 2021)

Dealing with loved ones with dementia is difficult. It’s good that you are there offering help. There’s a LOT to learn. I wish I knew about dementia before I had to deal with my parents but I did my best. I wish you the best OneEyedDiva. You are a good sister.


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## SeaBreeze (May 20, 2021)

Wishing the best for your sister and your family Diva, it must be very hard to have a loved one with dementia.  I worry about it myself, my aunt died many years ago with Alzheimers, she was in a nursing home. I hope she can get some medication to help slow the progression.  She's blessed to have you doing what you can to help her during this difficult time.  Hugs.


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## CinnamonSugar (May 20, 2021)

I’m so sorry you and your family are having to go through this, Diva.  Has she seen an MD and been diagnosed?   There are meds that can help slow the progression


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## Don M. (May 20, 2021)

My Sister and Brother-in-law have both succumbed to dementia.  The symptoms first began to appear about 5 years ago, and the cousins, and I tried to talk them into seeking help....which they refused to do. They have no children, and the Brother-in-law has a nearby sister who bore the brunt of trying to get them some help....to no avail.   

They were convinced that they were OK, and everyone else was having problems....and they continued to decline.  As time passed they got to the point where they were even having issues with hygiene, and getting notices about unpaid monthly bills, etc., and finally, about 2 years ago they finally agreed that they needed help.  I flew to Denver in late 2019, and it was really a sad situation.   

They are in good shape, financially, and we found them a real nice care facility to move into, and that place is taking good care of them.  However, their minds are gone, and they have NO sense of reality.  The biggest issue we've wondered about is What drove both of them to the brink simultaneously.  We had their house investigated for any environmental issues....Radon, etc., but no one has been able to come up with an answer.  

Had they listened to others when the problems first began, they might have been able to get some help....but now, it's just too late.  I call them about once a month, and it is rare that they even remember who I am. 

Dementia is a curse.


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## Pecos (May 20, 2021)

I am very sorry for what you are having to deal with. My youngest brother's wife had dementia which led to Alzheimer's. He took care of her until the final few weeks when he just could not handle it any more. They fought it together for about seven years before she died. It was very tough on him and was probably one of the reasons that led to his death earlier this year at the age of 71.

My observation is that this cannot be ignored and that active planning needs to start. It may remain mild for a long time or progress very quickly as it did in the case of one of my neighbors.

To the extent that you can, stay on their case about this, but avoid taking on the task yourself.


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## OneEyedDiva (May 21, 2021)

Aunt Bea said:


> Hopefully, you will be able to talk to your sister about planning for the future and knowing what to expect as the disease progresses.
> 
> If she can stay six months to a year ahead of the disease progression she should be able to live independently while still making plans to move into a more structured living situation at some point in the future.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much Aunt Bea. One of the issues here is how stubborn my sister is. And she always thinks she knows best. She's gotten dismissive too. If she doesn't want to talk about something, she cuts the conversation or as she did re the Thanksgiving dinner...hangs up on a person. I appreciate you providing this link. I will certainly read it and share it with her children.  

My sister and I didn't meet each other until 1998. We became close fairly quickly but I still feel I don't want to overstep with certain things. She has an S.O. and they treat each other like husband and wife. She also has a very close relationship with one of our nieces who I mentioned in the OP...so much so that she and our niece have similar fashion and decorating tastes. She has much closer relationships with these loved ones. You are a wise woman so I know you know what "my first mind" and gut feelings are all about. My first mind has been telling me to stay out of this or at least stay in the background while trying to help.


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## OneEyedDiva (May 21, 2021)

@Keesha @SeaBreeze @CinnamonSugar @Pecos  Thank you so much for your concern and support. 
Pecos I absolutely agree with your assessment of the situation. I'll reach out to my nephew and niece this weekend.

@CinnamonSugar  I know there are meds that can help.  I read up on dementia as well as experienced it when my mother had it. Then I had to educate my husband about it when my co-wife was afflicted with it. It took him a while to realize her thought processes would never be the same. May the three of them Rest in Paradise. This is why I want her children to get proactive with her care.

@win231 _"The symptoms first began to appear about 5 years ago, and the cousins, and I tried to talk them into seeking help....which they refused to do." _ I'm afraid this is what's going to happen with my sister. She's a very proud woman who's been on committees and boards of several organizations. Everything in her world needs to go as she says it should. She gets offended if she thinks her loved ones are insinuating she doesn't know what she's doing or how to take care of herself (or others). I've witnessed it.


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## CinnamonSugar (May 21, 2021)

Such a catch 22 situation for you and your family.  You and your sister are in my thoughts and prayers


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## mellowyellow (May 21, 2021)

Such a distressing subject and when you get to my age (76), it’s hard to tell the difference between normal age-related short-term memory loss and first signs of dementia. It’s a bit scary.


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## Packerjohn (May 21, 2021)

Sorry to read your story.  My brother-in-law had dementia and his wife had Alzhemizer's.  Both are gone now but it sure taught me a lot about this disease.  You have to have the "Patience of Job" to deal with the situation.  Yes, they remember things 40 years ago but not what happened or was said 5 minutes ago.  This compares to peeling an onion.  First, the outside or more recent events are forgotten but as the disease progresses, more and more of the memory is gone.  I am 75 and my memory is excellent.  Many would say, "Thank God for that."  Best of luck.  It will be a up hill battle.  Sorry.


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## OneEyedDiva (May 23, 2021)

mellowyellow said:


> Such a distressing subject and when you get to my age (76), it’s hard to tell the difference between normal age-related short-term memory loss and first signs of dementia. It’s a bit scary.


I understand Mellow! This may help you and hopefully ease your fears.
https://www.verywellhealth.com/is-it-forgetfulness-or-alzheimers-98574
Thank you @Packerjohn. I'm glad to know you don't have any memory problems.  May your brother and SIL RIP.


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## AnnieA (May 23, 2021)

So sorry to see this, Diva.  You are very wise in how you're cautiously  navigating through this with family members at various points along the five stages of grief.  Prayers that her partner and children can get close enough to the same page to get her evaluated to see if she's a candidate for medications helpful for certain types of dementia.


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## OneEyedDiva (May 23, 2021)

I talked with her daughter today and she said she and her brother have had conversations about how to proceed. He's in the process of checking some things out. Haven't talked with him yet but I sent them the excellent link @Aunt Bea  provided. I feel better knowing that they are monitoring her more closely and making themselves more aware that steps need to be taken. Thank you for your input @AnnieA.


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## Pecos (May 23, 2021)

OneEyedDiva said:


> I talked with her daughter today and she said she and her brother have had conversations about how to proceed. He's in the process of checking some things out. Haven't talked with him yet but I sent them the excellent link @Aunt Bea  provided. I feel better knowing that they are monitoring her more closely and making themselves more aware that steps need to be taken. Thank you for your input @AnnieA.


That is good news.


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## mellowyellow (May 23, 2021)

OneEyedDiva said:


> I understand Mellow! This may help you and hopefully ease your fears.
> https://www.verywellhealth.com/is-it-forgetfulness-or-alzheimers-98574
> Thank you @Packerjohn. I'm glad to know you don't have any memory problems.  May your brother and SIL RIP.


Thank you One Eye, I thought the information in the link was worth repeating.
*Forgetfulness of Normal Aging and Alzheimer's*​*Normal Aging*


Memory improves with cueing and context
Vocabulary and relationship understanding remains intact
Able to remember the order of things and who said what
Aware that a memory problem exists (subjective cognitive impairment)
Functioning remains good despite forgetfulness
Making a not-so-great decision occasionally
Forgetting to make a monthly payment
Being uncertain about what day it is but being able to recall it later
Difficulty with newer or less familiar tasks, such as the settings on a new appliance
Trouble finding a new place when driving
*Alzheimer's Disease*


Recent memory poor, and cueing and context don't help
Can't remember the order of things and who said what
Repetitiveness becomes obvious; memory intrusions occur
Unaware that a memory problem exists
Day-to-day functioning declines along with memory
Frequently demonstrating poor judgment and decision-making
Not being able to handle paying bills regularly
Often being disoriented to time and place
Difficulty with familiar tasks, such as making coffee every day
Getting lost on your way home from your daily job


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## Gaer (May 23, 2021)

Diva, this has to be so hard on you!  You have some wonderful advise here from friends.  I wish I could help but know nothing about the disease.
You are such a wonderful lady and I'm just sorry you are going to have to endure watching her get worse.  Stay strong!


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## OneEyedDiva (May 23, 2021)

Gaer said:


> Diva, this has to be so hard on you!  You have some wonderful advise here from friends.  I wish I could help but know nothing about the disease.
> You are such a wonderful lady and I'm just sorry you are going to have to endure watching her get worse.  Stay strong!


Thank you so much Gaer. I went through this with my mother for four years before she passed. For three of those years she was in a nursing home but I visited her daily, most times twice a day. They get worse in the evening ("sundowning") It's a heartbreaking thing but we loved ones do what we have to do when the time comes for as long as it takes. It feels like we've lost them even before they pass away. I empathize with anyone who has or is going through this.

@mellowyellow  Good thinking posting the article in it's entirety! Thank you.


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## StarSong (May 25, 2021)

Diva, I'm so sorry about your family's situation.  My mother had vascular dementia and my father-in-law suffered from Alzheimer's.  My husband and I were the ones who shepherded them through those years, so I understand your pain.  

I noticed that both of them remained who they always were, only more so.  It was as if their lifelong personalities became more concentrated because the ability - and perhaps inclination - to alter behavior to comport with social expectations was dramatically reduced.  

If your sister was strongly opinionated, quick to flare, stubborn, dismissive, or extremely independent, prepare yourself for a magnification of those traits.   

Her doctor will eventually diagnose her cognitive losses, but that's probably a ways off. Until that happens she will legally remain in control of her assets (my FIL was scammed out of tens of thousands of dollars by phone scammers), her living situation, and so forth. 

I wish your sister, your family, and you the best. This is not an easy pathway for anyone involved.


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## fuzzybuddy (Jun 3, 2021)

OneEyedDiva said:


> I first noticed it a couple of years ago when she got confused driving routes that she used often in the past. Her daughter and our niece noticed things also, maybe before I did. My sister is very close with her children, particularly her son who had an apartment in the house they bought together. Her daughter and SIL moved about an hour and a half away a few years ago. Her children are well educated, loving and caring. My nieces and I noticed that she tends to get more confused and agitated. She remembers events from the past pretty well but her short term memory is shot. Recently while we were at dinner at her son’s, she asked him the same question about 5 times within 25 minutes. Each time, he responded the same way.
> 
> It seems to one of our nieces and I that her son doesn’t want to deal with it. I know how it is to be in denial about dementia in a parent; I went through it with my mother. In November I had a long talk with her daughter about her mom’s progression. My sister got mad at me because I wouldn’t come for Thanksgiving dinner (due to COVID I wasn't comfortable yet with gatherings). I had told her to have a nice dinner and enjoy who was there. She said she wouldn’t because I wasn’t coming and hung up on me. My nieces said they experienced similar things. So I sent her daughter an article about dementia which featured it's stages and asked her to share it with her brother. I thought perhaps one of them could talk with her doctor, explain what they’ve noticed and perhaps the doctor could give her something to delay the progression.
> 
> More recently our oldest niece said that my sister should have a medical POA when I said that her children may have limited or no access to my sister’s medical information. I suggested that she mention it to my sister’s daughter. She said she would but a few days later she texted me that she decided not to. I texted her back that I understood. My niece said her brother is having some stressful times trying to deal with their mother. I told her that it’s only going to get worse if she doesn’t get some help. I’m hoping that will be the catalyst for them being more proactive.


Your sister could be suffering from any number of a  illnesses, which produce symptoms of confusion, etc. Some  illnesses are extremely treatable, others are not. Without a definitive diagnosis, there is no way to know the proper treatment. Have your sister seen by a neurologist.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jul 3, 2021)

StarSong said:


> Diva, I'm so sorry about your family's situation.  My mother had vascular dementia and my father-in-law suffered from Alzheimer's.  My husband and I were the ones who shepherded them through those years, so I understand your pain.
> 
> I noticed that both of them remained who they always were, only more so.  It was as if their lifelong personalities became more concentrated because the ability - and perhaps inclination - to alter behavior to comport with social expectations was dramatically reduced.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much Star. My mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia as well. Some of the traits you mentioned match my sister's personality. She's tough but very sensitive at the same time. The last couple of times we had conversations (within the last two weeks), she seemed clear as a bell. It was as if the demential isn't even present. I can imagine presenting that way could cause confusion for her children, especially since they were not familiar with how dementia works. I thank you again for your well wishes for my family and me


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## OneEyedDiva (Jul 3, 2021)

fuzzybuddy said:


> Your sister could be suffering from any number of a  illnesses, which produce symptoms of confusion, etc. Some  illnesses are extremely treatable, others are not. Without a definitive diagnosis, there is no way to know the proper treatment. Have your sister seen by a neurologist.


Good points Fuzzbuddy. Thank you.


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## OneEyedDiva (Jan 26, 2022)

Update: My sister was finally able to see a neurologist. He ordered testing: EEG, CT and MRI. We don't know what the scans showed yet and I'm hoping their consult will be soon. It's taken this long to get to this point due to my sister forgetting appointments with her PCP (referring doctor) and scheduling.


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## Devi (Jan 26, 2022)

Just a side note from The Alzheimer's Association website:
https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/what-is-dementia#causes

While most changes in the brain that cause dementia are permanent and worsen over time, thinking and memory problems caused by the following conditions may improve when the condition is treated or addressed:​
Depression.
Medication side effects.
Excess use of alcohol.
Thyroid problems.
*Vitamin deficiencies.*
Re the last, I've suggested that vitamin deficiencies (and consumption of non-organic pesticide/herbicide-laden food) can cause problems with thinking, among other things, as one ages. Turns out the Azheimer's Association says that (about vitamin deficiencies) as well.

And, sorry this is happening @OneEyedDiva.


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## PamfromTx (Jan 26, 2022)




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## officerripley (Jan 26, 2022)

Diva, hoping for the best for your sister and you.


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## Alligatorob (Jan 26, 2022)

Hope things work out for your sister. 

Alzheimer's is an awful thing, and one many of us live in fear of...


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## Robert59 (Feb 3, 2022)

My girlfriend has bi-polar and now dementia her doctor from Medicare says. She had aunts and uncles that had dementia. But her parents never had it we know of. Her father died at 74 and mother died at 76. Her family doctor will not treat her for Dementia because he thinks she doesn't have it.


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## OneEyedDiva (Mar 28, 2022)

I finally got word of what my sister's definitive diagnosis is according to her neurologist. She has vascular dementia, which is what my mother had (we did not have the same mother). From what I understand from my niece's text, the doctor started her on baby aspirin and wants her BP checked twice a day. I don't know if he prescribed anything other than aspirin. She is to see him again in April.

@Devi  Thank you so much for your concern and empathy. 
@fuzzybuddy @Pecos @StarSong


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## StarSong (Mar 28, 2022)

OneEyedDiva said:


> I finally got word of what my sister's definitive diagnosis is according to her neurologist. She has vascular dementia, which is what my mother had (we did not have the same mother). From what I understand from my niece's text, the doctor started her on baby aspirin and wants her BP checked twice a day. I don't know if he prescribed anything other than aspirin. She is to see him again in April.
> 
> @Devi  Thank you so much for your concern and empathy.
> @fuzzybuddy @Pecos @StarSong


My prayer for your family is plenty of patience and love.  You will need both.


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## OneEyedDiva (Mar 28, 2022)

StarSong said:


> My prayer for your family is plenty of patience and love.  You will need both.


Your prayers are definitely appreciated. StarSong. How very sweet and kind of you


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## Pecos (Mar 28, 2022)

OneEyedDiva said:


> I finally got word of what my sister's definitive diagnosis is according to her neurologist. She has vascular dementia, which is what my mother had (we did not have the same mother). From what I understand from my niece's text, the doctor started her on baby aspirin and wants her BP checked twice a day. I don't know if he prescribed anything other than aspirin. She is to see him again in April.
> 
> @Devi  Thank you so much for your concern and empathy.
> @fuzzybuddy @Pecos @StarSong


MDS,
You and your family have my prayers.


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## Pinky (Mar 28, 2022)

@OneEyedDiva 
How sad it must be for you to see your sister succumb to dementia. It takes a lot of patience and love for the family to deal with it.


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## Tish (Mar 28, 2022)

I'm so sorry Diva, my love and prayers are with you.


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## hawkdon (Mar 28, 2022)

Diva, so sad to hear this, my prayers for you and yours.....


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## Jules (Mar 28, 2022)

It’s so difficult to watch a loved one slowly decline.


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## CinnamonSugar (Mar 28, 2022)

@OneEyedDiva, I’m so sorry you received this news.  Sending prayers and wishes for the best care and peace for you, your sister and your whole family.


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## officerripley (Mar 28, 2022)

Hopes and best wishes, wishing for the best.


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## Ruth n Jersey (Mar 28, 2022)

So sorry to hear this, my thoughts are with all of you.


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## RadishRose (Apr 1, 2022)

OneEyedDiva said:


> I finally got word of what my sister's definitive diagnosis is according to her neurologist. She has vascular dementia, which is what my mother had (we did not have the same mother). From what I understand from my niece's text, the doctor started her on baby aspirin and wants her BP checked twice a day. I don't know if he prescribed anything other than aspirin. She is to see him again in April.
> 
> @Devi  Thank you so much for your concern and empathy.
> @fuzzybuddy @Pecos @StarSong


I'm sorry to hear this Diva, my prayers for her and for you too, to be strong


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## Kika (Apr 1, 2022)

So sorry for what your sister and the entire family will have to endure as time goes on.
I wish all of you strength.


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## dseag2 (Apr 1, 2022)

Diva, you have gone through so much over the past couple of years.  I admire you so much for your amazing strength.  You are in my thoughts.


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## Alligatorob (Apr 1, 2022)

Hard to add much to what others have said, just know I am thinking of you, and your sister.


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## SeaBreeze (Apr 1, 2022)

Diva, wishing the best for your sister, sorry to hear the diagnosis.  It must be very upsetting for you and everyone in your family.  You will be in my thoughts....hugs.


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## JonSR77 (Apr 2, 2022)

so sorry you are dealing with this. My mother is 94 and has dementia.  It is all so very very hard to deal with.

Ideally, it would make sense if everyone could get into family counseling together. Of course, that can be very hard to get done. I tried to do it with my mother. She stubbornly refused.

I spoke with an expert on mental health and she said that it is very very common that people become stubborn and don't want to take help. And that it can be, not at all easy to make any inroads.

The only thing I could suggest is to see if you know anyone that she does respect...and see if you could get that person to speak with her.

Oh, say, she respects her minister. Maybe give him a call and see if he will speak with her a bit.

Again, so sorry that you are dealing with this.

Take care...

P.S. Near the end, I was driving with my father. My father goes, "Oh...I almost hit that tree!" I looked at him and said, "Dad...that was NOT a tree!"

Driving while mentally impaired is an EXTREMELY dangerous thing to do.


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## Don M. (Apr 2, 2022)

Dementia is a Curse!  I have a Sister/Brother-in-law in Denver who started showing signs of "cognitive decline" 5 or 6 years ago.  The cousins and the BIL's family all suggested that they seek help, but they refused....they said everyone else were the one's having "trouble".  A couple of years ago, they got so bad that their hygiene and dietary routines were failing, and they Finally agreed to be moved to a nice care facility.  To this day, no one knows what caused them Both to decline at the same time.  House inspections, etc., failed to show any issues like Radon or Asbestos, etc.

Yesterday was Sisters 78th birthday, and I called to wish her Happy Birthday.  She didn't remember that she has a brother, or who I am.  She could barely speak coherently, or answer a simple "how are you" question.  After several minutes of mostly silence, on her part, I had to end the call.  She is mentally "gone".


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## StarSong (Apr 2, 2022)

Don M. said:


> Dementia is a Curse!  I have a Sister/Brother-in-law in Denver who started showing signs of "cognitive decline" 5 or 6 years ago.  The cousins and the BIL's family all suggested that they seek help, but they refused....they said everyone else were the one's having "trouble".  A couple of years ago, they got so bad that their hygiene and dietary routines were failing, and they Finally agreed to be moved to a nice care facility.  To this day, no one knows what caused them Both to decline at the same time.  House inspections, etc., failed to show any issues like Radon or Asbestos, etc.
> 
> Yesterday was Sisters 78th birthday, and I called to wish her Happy Birthday.  She didn't remember that she has a brother, or who I am.  She could barely speak coherently, or answer a simple "how are you" question.  After several minutes of mostly silence, on her part, I had to end the call.  She is mentally "gone".


My sympathies, @Don M.  What a heartbreaking situation.


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## OneEyedDiva (Apr 3, 2022)

dseag2 said:


> Diva, you have gone through so much over the past couple of years.  I admire you so much for your amazing strength.  You are in my thoughts.


Thank you so much dear friend It means a lot to me.


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## OneEyedDiva (Apr 3, 2022)

Don M. said:


> Dementia is a Curse!  I have a Sister/Brother-in-law in Denver who started showing signs of "cognitive decline" 5 or 6 years ago.  The cousins and the BIL's family all suggested that they seek help, but they refused....they said everyone else were the one's having "trouble".  A couple of years ago, they got so bad that their hygiene and dietary routines were failing, and they Finally agreed to be moved to a nice care facility.  To this day, no one knows what caused them Both to decline at the same time.  House inspections, etc., failed to show any issues like Radon or Asbestos, etc.
> 
> Yesterday was Sisters 78th birthday, and I called to wish her Happy Birthday.  She didn't remember that she has a brother, or who I am.  She could barely speak coherently, or answer a simple "how are you" question.  After several minutes of mostly silence, on her part, I had to end the call.  She is mentally "gone".


This is so sad Don! I'm so sorry you are going through this. I understand how it is..went through it with my mother. May you and your family have the strength to endure what will come.

@JonSR77 My heart goes out to you as well. It's not easy and certainly not for the faint of heart. Thank you for the advice. We're letting her children handle things. My other nieces and I think it's best. She is very close with her children and they'll do right by her.


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## OneEyedDiva (Apr 3, 2022)

Thank you all again so much for your thoughts, prayers, encouraging words and well wishes. All are and will continue to be greatly appreciated.


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