# Do you ever think you could have been a better parent to your children?



## Ruth n Jersey (Mar 14, 2016)

I have 2 wonderful,married children who lead good lives. I am close to both of them. My problem is their relationship to each other. Never speak during the year, and at holiday time they just tolerate each other. They have different personalities, one is very laid back and quiet. The other, more out spoken and opinionated. Unfortunately,while they were growing up, the strong willed one knew just how to push my buttons, and me not having any patience, would ask the other one to do what needed to be done and pull up the slack.. In other words, the squeaky wheel got the grease. I think this caused animosity between them well into their adulthood. I treated them equally in every other way.They knew I loved them both. This was my fault, and I have even told them so, and to blame me and not each other.I think it is so deep rooted they can't get passed it. They constantly pick at each other even over the smallest thing. I wish I had been more strict . Always giving in made the situation worse and spoiled the one even more so.  The strong willed one has given me 2 Grand kids and is a better parent than I ever was. I so wish I could do it over and make them understand how precious having a sibling is. I always feel so torn. I can't make them love each other but at least respect each other.


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## fureverywhere (Mar 14, 2016)

Breaking it down...
The eldest was a clone of me, same hair and same skin tone...a whiter shade of pale,
Daughter II a Scorpio, same mami but olive skin dark hair and attitude...far as you could see it.
Middle girl in her sister's shadow, tell me how that turns out for ya'll.
Younger boy and Jew-fro n' pale skin, personable and paranoid, poor boy.
The last a clone of her brother, but intellectually 6-8 years. Sucks to be me.


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## FazeFour (Mar 15, 2016)

My sons are 40 and 42. They fought some when they were kids, the usual stuff. After they married and began having children, they enjoyed many years of being close. They got together at least once a week for family game night - them, their spouses, and kids playing various board games - spent holidays together, went to movies as a group.

Then the oldest son went to Iraq, and just over a year later, to Afghanistan. The experiences changed him. He became critical of his brother; Why did he have so many kids?! Why does he still work in retail? Why can't he save more money? etc.

They only see each other on some holidays and celebrations now, but very few. They never argue, however they both say they can't stand each other. It breaks my heart, but I don't interfere. I did talk to each of them, then had to leave it be. I hope they will become close again someday.


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## Ameriscot (Mar 15, 2016)

My two boys live in different states and haven't seen each other in years.  They are 42 and 44.  I was 19 when the first was born and yes I could have been a better mother since I was far too young and so was their father. 

My oldest joined the army right out of high school.  He went to Iraq twice.


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## vickyNightowl (Mar 15, 2016)

When my son moved out almost 5 years ago,my daughter had a hard time,we all did but he was her partner in crime.she missed him terribly.
It was the worst for me to see her cry.

My son though always made the effort to call her and visit all the time and after all this time they seek each other out.they have their moments,the young one can be a little shit but I don't get involved or take sides.they sort it out and I hope they are always close.

I don't know what else I coulld have done different,one does the best they knoww how to at the time.


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## BlunderWoman (Mar 15, 2016)

Ruth n Jersey said:


> I have 2 wonderful,married children who lead good lives. I am close to both of them. My problem is their relationship to each other. Never speak during the year, and at holiday time they just tolerate each other. They have different personalities, one is very laid back and quiet. The other, more out spoken and opinionated. Unfortunately,while they were growing up, the strong willed one knew just how to push my buttons, and me not having any patience, would ask the other one to do what needed to be done and pull up the slack.. In other words, the squeaky wheel got the grease. I think this caused animosity between them well into their adulthood. I treated them equally in every other way.They knew I loved them both. This was my fault, and I have even told them so, and to blame me and not each other.I think it is so deep rooted they can't get passed it. They constantly pick at each other even over the smallest thing. I wish I had been more strict . Always giving in made the situation worse and spoiled the one even more so.  The strong willed one has given me 2 Grand kids and is a better parent than I ever was. I so wish I could do it over and make them understand how precious having a sibling is. I always feel so torn. I can't make them love each other but at least respect each other.


I've done a million things wrong with my kids. Let me pull out the regret list....oh wait ..I can't find the end of the list it's so long. The good news is you are still alive and they are still alive. I suggest getting a pen and paper and write down the very best advice you can give them to perhaps make them understand the importance of it to you and your hopes for it also being important to them. Then mail it to them. After they have had a chance to read it give them a call and do your best. That's all you can do. If it was never your intention to harm your seemingly weaker child, then forgive yourself. If you apologized for mistakes made on your part then forgive yourself because there aren't any do overs and we all make mistakes in different ways. At some point the seemingly weaker child could have chosen to take up for herself. 
I had 2 older sisters. One was very protective of me and the other extremely dominant and jealous of me. We had no parental influence over these kinds of issues because our father was usually not there ( military) and the step mom really didn't give a flip she didn't like any of us LOL. So.. the one older dominant sister dominated the heck out of me and bossed me around until I was around twelve. I was twelve the first time I stood up to her. She slapped me. I totally kicked her butt much to my own surprise and hers. Years later at a very large Thanksgiving with all the nieces and nephews around. My niece asked " So which one of you is one that no one should mess with." Both of my sisters grinned and pointed at me. My niece was stunned she said "Oh my gosh. She's so sweet and little. That's crazy! All you ever had to do was bonk her on her little head!Even you Aunt X ? You were military!" My sister said " Well why don't you go over and bonk her on her little head and see what happens to you?" Then my sisters laughed. Yeah my family had aggression issues for sure. My point being that at some point a child will either stand up and fight or they won't.
I would like to add that if the 'stronger' one is narcissistic or toxic you may as the mother love that child too much to notice the traits. IF that be the situation then one really cant blame the 'weaker' one for distancing herself. If the 'stronger' one continues to bully her sibling ( sometimes people never do break these set patterns in relationships) then I wouldn't really blame the 'weaker' one for being distant to avoid toxic behavior...IF that's the case.


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## Phoenix (May 11, 2016)

The best thing I did for my kids was to not have any.  I'm just not a mothering type.  So if the urge hits me, I cuddle my cat and dog.  My first mother-in-law should have followed my lead and not had any.


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## jujube (May 11, 2016)

I'm so glad I only had one.  When we were first married, my late husband and I planned on six kids.  Then it was four.  Then we thought two was a great number.  The good Lord saw fit to give us one.   I have two sisters who are civil to each other but that's about it.  It causes problems because I'm always right in the middle between the two of them.


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## suze (Jun 5, 2016)

hi Ruth n Jersey,
i too have some regrets about parenting my two boys.  I wasn't nearly as maternal as I expected to be--as I was with my grandbabies.  My parents were super strict.  Five minutes late equaled being grounded.  I vowed not to be like that and may have gone too far the other way, and not expected enough of them.  I think there are days when we all wish for a redo!

suze


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## Phoenix (Jun 6, 2016)

I think it's impossible to be the "perfect" parent.  It's a noble, but unrealistic goal.


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## suze (Jun 6, 2016)

Phoenix, I think you're right.  I think it's part of the 50's family sitcoms syndrome.  They sure did make it look easy didn't they? I know that in my early twenties, when I had my kids, I thought that the unconditional love I would get from my kids would fill me up, and make me into a whole person.  It took me a lot of years to get that straight in my mind.  I guess there's some guilt attached to that...

suze


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## Phoenix (Jun 6, 2016)

Yes, the happily-ever-after stuff on it all being so fulfilling in the 50s sitcoms were misleading.  I watched how it was for my older sister, sister-in-law and my aunts.  I realized they were harried a lot.  I chose not to do the kid thing.  I realize I missed some things, but for me it was the right choice.  It takes a while to realize that to be whole we have to do that for ourselves, that no one else, not even a loving spouse or sweetheart can do it for us.  It's called growing up.  Let the guilt go if you can.  It's counterproductive to your well-being.


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## suze (Jun 6, 2016)

Thanks Phoenix,
i know that guilt is a very negative thing that doesn't do us any good, but I guess it's something that I've felt at several times in my life, and it certainly hasn't improved any situation.  I'm striving to live  in the present and that discourages dwelling on past incidents where most of the guilt lives.

suze


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## Phoenix (Jun 6, 2016)

suze said:


> Thanks Phoenix,
> i know that guilt is a very negative thing that doesn't do us any good, but I guess it's something that I've felt at several times in my life, and it certainly hasn't improved any situation.  I'm striving to live  in the present and that discourages dwelling on past incidents where most of the guilt lives.
> 
> suze



Me too.  I'm working on living in the moment and letting go of the mistakes.  It can be difficult.


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## Shalimar (Jun 6, 2016)

I brought myself up, so parenting was an interesting experience. Could I have done better? Of course, but I raised my son with unconditional love and support, taught him a sense of morality, to be comfortable in his own skin, to love Mother Earth and all who inhabit it. I think I was a "good enough" mother. He is self confident, and far more emotionally healthy than I will ever be.


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## Phoenix (Jun 6, 2016)

Shalimar said:


> I brought myself up, so parenting was an interesting experience. Could I have done better? Of course, but I raised my son with unconditional love and support, taught him a sense of morality, to be comfortable in his own skin, to love Mother Earth and all who inhabit it. I think I was a "good enough" mother. He is self confident, and far more emotionally healthy than I will ever be.



From what I've learned about you, I'm sure you were/are a good mom.


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## Shalimar (Jun 6, 2016)

Thank you for your kind words Phoenix.


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## Phoenix (Jun 6, 2016)

You mentioned how awful your childhood was.  If you ever want to talk about it, I'm willing to listen.


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## suze (Jun 6, 2016)

Hi Shalimar, 
I'd say I'm sorry about your childhood, but it sounds like you've done just fine.   Your son sounds wonderful.  Kudos to you!


Suze


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## fishfulthinking (Jun 9, 2016)

I think as many mothers must think, we all feel we could have done parenting differently and wish we could have given our children the perfect lives and have them all turn out perfect... for whatever "perfect" might mean.
But each kid comes with it's own uniqueness, age, birth order, peers, personalities etc.  And each of these is compounded by each and every situation our kids land in.
Do I ever think I could have done better, honestly no.  Given what life dealt me I did the best I could with my girls.  Do I ever wish better for them of course I do, I wish life was easier for them but it just wasn't the pony ride of the dream world.  
I taught my girls right from wrong, compassion, strength, open mindedness, and love of self.  Both grew up in very different situations, oldest had both parents in her life until she was 17.  Youngest only until she was 13.  When the big divorce came, the oldest suffered the most and left home shortly there after.  She travelled an extremely rocky path, but in the end after over a decade of "experience" I have to say she has turned into an amazing, strong and beautiful woman.  She is a fantastic mother and step mother, and she has wonderful children and is due to marry her current and most awesome man next year.  Youngest had to learn early to go out and get a job to get what extra's she may want in life because I could not pay for a lot as a single mother.  She still lives with me, and is due to marry her intended this summer.  She has put herself through school and is very successful.  Sadly this recession has forced her and her man to remain living with us as this recession has robbed him of his livelihood.  But they are survivors and as family we are all helping each other.
My daughters have a mutual respect for each other, they are both very opinionated and on quite opposite ends of many spectrums.  But in the end I know they have a deep love for each other.  
No regrets honestly


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## Shalimar (Jun 9, 2016)

Thanks Suze!


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## senile1 (Jun 9, 2016)

I grew up in the streets of a large city, primarily raised my self. I got into trouble, went to schools for bad boys; but I survived. Never intended to have children, but stuff happens. I promised my children would never live as I did growing up, and they didn't. I brought my children up to respect other's and with the knowledge, you and only you; can you ever truly depend. My children are in their late 30's with families of their own and very successful. Could I have done better, I would be remiss to say I could not have done some things better. The one thing though, I am positive my children will never give up on themselves and/ or their families; for this I take pride. Eight months ago I suffered 2 congestive heart failures, in a span of 3 months, I lost my hearing in my right ear and was left with vertigo. All from a virus contracted whilst on vacation. 3 weeks ago I  started some light running and weight lifting, with prospects of returning to work as soon as I have a procedure performed on my right ear and a hearing device is installed. I expect no less from my children. If this sounds bad, I do not apologize, for one should love their children enough to prepare them for life as best they can, and I can , at least, but lead by example.


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## suze (Jun 9, 2016)

Thanks Fishfulthinking,
My life with my kids was similar to yours.  Some time married, some time a single parent.
As I read your answer I thought of my favorite poets famous quote: "I did what I knew how to do.  Now that I know better I do better."  Dr. Maya Angelou.

Suze


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## suze (Jun 9, 2016)

Very inspirational senile1.  Your children are very fortunate to have you!  I hope your health continues to improve every day!

suze


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## ClubMike (Jun 11, 2016)

I have 6 kids ranging from 30 to 40 years old. They all have their own personalities however they are still pretty close. They all still hang out at holidays and most of them visit with each other on a weekly basis. 2 of my kids moved away from the family area however are still in contact. There lives just took them in different directions.

I think back on how I managed raising 6 kids and sure I could have done a much better job. they got raised old school, do your chores and do not back talk or else. For the most part everyone did there stuff and when they did not I was there to put them back on the path. 

I cherish the moments we have now together as a family, it is actually rare to get all of us in one spot at one time but it happens every so often and when it does it is a grand time. Now I get to watch them deal with their kids and I sit back and snicker. 

I look at things like this, "I did the best job at the time with what I had to work with." 

With that said, I wish I would have read them more bedtime stories.


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## suze (Jun 11, 2016)

Xmas day is my favorite day of the year because we are all together: everyone is happy and the kids are excited.  Who could ask for anything more?


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## Goldfynche (Jun 11, 2016)

My two, now 39 and 40, are both fine, decent adults. So I guess I(we) must have done something right. I know that the parents are their children's greatest influence. But they do follow other instincts and paths on their own.


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## suze (Jun 11, 2016)

Thanks Goldfynche


I appreciate your feedback.  I think I can be too hard on myself because I don't hold my late parents accountable for the way I "turned out", so I guess I should do the same with myself.  This forum has helped me see parent/child relationships from different angles.  That's good stuff!

suze


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## Cookie (Jun 11, 2016)

Surely we have all been the best parents we could be.  Unfortunately wisdom is usually in hindsight, that's the thing about being young, we don't know what we don't know when we don't know it, but we learn from experience.


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## suze (Jun 11, 2016)

thank you Cookie.  I do feel that wisdom comes with age.  I'm trying to keep my mind sharp so I can I impart that wisdom when asked to younger friends and relatives.  Since being in this forum I feel as if I've gotten such wise and caring opinions that it has become an important part of my daily routine.

suze


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## senile1 (Jun 11, 2016)

ClubMike said:


> I have 6 kids ranging from 30 to 40 years old. They all have their own personalities however they are still pretty close. They all still hang out at holidays and most of them visit with each other on a weekly basis. 2 of my kids moved away from the family area however are still in contact. There lives just took them in different directions.
> 
> I think back on how I managed raising 6 kids and sure I could have done a much better job. they got raised old school, do your chores and do not back talk or else. For the most part everyone did there stuff and when they did not I was there to put them back on the path.
> 
> ...






Hindsight is always 20/20 my friend, sounds like you had your hands full, and have done a wonderful  job. I would say your children were very lucky to have a parent such as you.


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## senile1 (Jun 11, 2016)

Cookie said:


> Surely we have all been the best parents we could be.  Unfortunately wisdom is usually in hindsight, that's the thing about being young, we don't know what we don't know when we don't know it, but we learn from experience.




Funny thing, children do not come with manuals, so parents but do that which they can.


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## senile1 (Jun 11, 2016)

Women have for the most part,have been the parent to raised  their children by themselves and do a great job. I must say, tis what has made me so proud of my son. His partner left about seven years ago with a 2 year old boy, and never looked back. Today, my grandson is a happy and well behaved young man, a little mischievous, but that's his job. They came to visit recently, and nine year olds are nothing, if not a bundle of energy. lol.


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## suze (Jun 11, 2016)

Senile1
I have a nine year old grand baby and that's a great age. They grow so fast!  I always say it seems like kindergarten, fifth grade, 8th grade and gone!  I love them at all stages.  Don't we all?

suze


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## Bevie (Jun 26, 2016)

I have four children and not one of them likes the other three. It is so sad. A couple of them won't even visit if the other is there. Where did I go wrong? I guess I was always working or tired and never expressed how important family is. They see their siblings' faults but not their own. When I have my 80th birthday I would like for all of them to be there but I don't think that will happen. They are all good people and good parents to their children.


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## Aunt Marg (May 31, 2021)

I remember one of the first Mother's Day cards I got from my kids saying that I was the best mom in the world. I cried.

Having been raised old-school myself, I was strict but fair with my children. When I said "_no_", I meant no, and my kids learned that early on, and when a spanking was due, my kids got one, but all-in-all I gave as much love and care that I could.

But, gosh... whenever I reflect on the baby/toddler days/years I still wonder in amazement how I managed some days. Seemed most days came and went leaving me wondering, _what happened_. Mornings were a mix of me scrambling to put coffee on, get dressed and washed, have a quick cigarette, then dart down to the nursery and nearby bedrooms to take care of business.

Down with the crib railings, change diapers, hoist warm little bodies from cribs, dart out of baby room with two little tykes (one under each arm wearing only rubber bums), down the hall, into the kitchen, and into their highchairs. With everyone seated, time for breakfast. Was always a whirlwind of excitement in the mornings, then somewhat tapering off (if you can call it that) as the day progressed.

Cooking, dishes, diapers (washing, drying, folding, changing), laundry, shopping, housework, bottles, baby food, baby formula, phew... one kid pulling at my pant-leg whining for something, another throwing a temper-tantrum on the floor, another wanting to go outside to play, and another in need of a trip to the bathroom to use the potty.

I can't believe I managed to hold it together as well as I did, though my mom was a saviour when it came to dropping by to help whenever she could (and when needed), and I capitalized on her help every chance I could.

I got good at yelling and clapping my hands together sharply to get my gangs attention, and somehow mealtimes came and went, everyone was fed, watered, and kept clean and dry, with bedtime being the crowning glory for me.

With baby bottoms padded well for the night, skinny little legs poking out through elastic leg-holes of rubber pants, and older ones tucked in, a short bedtime story was read, followed by a kiss goodnight, and nite-nite to all. Dead on my feet, I laboured to finish off the day... tidy the kitchen (wash and dry dishes, leftovers put away in fridge)... bring diapers in from outside (clothesline), fold, stack, run a hot bath for myself, flop into bed and pass-out when my head hit the pillow.

We did more than good Ruth (hugs to you). No matter what areas we look back on in retrospect and say to ourselves, _I could have done this differently, or I could have done that differently, or I was weak in this area, or weak in that area, or I could have done better._

Motherhood is no walk in the park and definitely not for sissies, but we're survivors, so are are our children, and at the end of the day the ways and means in which you and I went about doing things may not have been in keeping with those of Miss Manners or Martha Stewart, but all-in-all we have much to be proud of!


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## Lewkat (May 31, 2021)

Yes, I think so, but my son disagrees.  I am the greatest in his eyes.  And, he's the best son ever.


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## fmdog44 (May 31, 2021)

Everyone knows that could have done better. It's called being a person.


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## Gary O' (May 31, 2021)

Do you ever think you could have been a better parent to your children?​
I think *'for better or worse' *shouldn't just be applied to marriage vows

Everbod does their best when raising kids

I know my folks did

Our kids know we did

Coulda done better
Coulda done worse

As heavy as the past history may be, the baggage down the path is light


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## Aunt Marg (Jun 1, 2021)

View attachment 167481View attachment 167482


Gary O' said:


> Do you ever think you could have been a better parent to your children?​
> I think *'for better or worse' *shouldn't just be applied to marriage vows
> 
> Everbod does their best when raising kids
> ...


I love your closing words, Gary, "_As heavy as the past history may be, the baggage down the path is light_".

I am totally there.


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## katlupe (Jun 1, 2021)

I wish I hadn't had my son at such a young age. Sometimes I think that is what caused him to be disabled. I was an unwed mother and I wish I had stayed unwed and just put all my efforts into raising him by myself.


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## helenbacque (Jun 1, 2021)

I doubt there are many who have not thought this at times.


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## asp3 (Jun 1, 2021)

There are lots of things I could have done to be a better parent throughout my sons times with us.  Some of them came from learning things and gaining perspectives I didn't have before.  Others were from being a selfish person myself but justifying my actions (or inactions) based on my desires.

Regarding my sons relationship with each other I'm not bothered by the fact they are not close.  They are two very different people and don't really have a lot in common now.  Interestingly enough they actually introduced my wife and I.  We each had a child before we met and our kids became friends in school and then wanted to start playing with each other outside of school or after school day care.  My wife and I met when she invited my son to the movies and then invited me along too.  She was totally uninterested in a relationship when we met, but when she found out we were of like minds on many topics she took an interest in me and we solidified our interest in each other 28 years ago last week when we took the kids on a Memorial Day weekend trip to the mountains.

Anyway the kids were ecstatic when we were first together to have a best friend as a step brother.  However over time as they changed and problems with the one son took time from the other resentments built and eventually the didn't really have that close a friendship by high school.


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## Murrmurr (Jun 1, 2021)

katlupe said:


> I wish I hadn't had my son at such a young age. Sometimes I think that is what caused him to be disabled. I was an unwed mother and I wish I had stayed unwed and just put all my efforts into raising him by myself.


When my kids were really little, their mom left us, so I was as involved with them as a mother would be (or as close to it as I could get, from my male perspective). All the while they were kids I was constantly comparing my parenting to other parents, both moms and dads, and most of the time it felt like they were all doing a better job of it than me.

That was a mistake. I shouldn't have been measuring myself against other parents. Nobody should.


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## drifter (Jun 1, 2021)

Parenting doesn't come with a rule book to read and follow and figure things out a head of time out. Most of us did the best 
we could with the maturity and mental andphysical resources available to us. With hindsight i think I could have been a better 
parent but not possible. I watched my son and my daughter raise their families. They experienced similiar as myself. Children's
personalties vary. We can not predict the outcome ahead of time and whatever we might have change if we could do it over 
woud note any good as to the outcome except to sooth our own mind. It has always been that way and about all any of us can 
say or could have said is "God help us, we hardly know what we're doing sometime."


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## Murrmurr (Jun 1, 2021)

All 3 of my kids turned out to be good, kind people, and all 3 have nice families and are happy. I can't be sure if that's because of me or people they knew along the way, like teachers and coaches and military officers, but that's okay - the who-did-whats don't matter. I'm just very grateful.


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## Mr. Ed (Jun 1, 2021)

naaa


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## Sassycakes (Jun 14, 2021)

*I think I did the best I could raising my 2 children. In my eyes, their needs always came first, but I guess they should be asked this question not me.*


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## grahamg (Jun 15, 2021)

drifter said:


> Parenting doesn't come with a rule book to read and follow and figure things out a head of time out. Most of us did the best
> we could with the maturity and mental andphysical resources available to us. With hindsight i think I could have been a better
> parent but not possible. I watched my son and my daughter raise their families. They experienced similiar as myself. Children's
> personalties vary. We can not predict the outcome ahead of time and whatever we might have change if we could do it over
> ...


The comment you made about "Parenting doesn't come with a rule book to read and follow,....." always makes me think about the essential truth that no close loving relationship with your child (or spouse) could ever be dependent upon whatever anyone else, or any third party might say. 
If you were to change your behaviour, or certainly regulate your relationship on the basis of a book etc. you have already foregone  a close relationship because "each side of the equation" HAVE to think for themselves or else it isn't a loving interaction at all is it.


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## Ladybj (Jun 15, 2021)

There was always room for improvement.  However, my kids and I are very close (they are all grown) - they love themselves some mom and I love myself some them.  I feel I did a pretty good job raising my kids.  Two of my kids (son and daughter) call me their best friend.  Once they reached adulthood they made their own decisions.  Now if you ask them if they feel they could have been better kids/adults...????


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