# Has anyone ever tried to censor what you were saying?



## Ronni (Jun 9, 2020)

My 30+ years of marriage with my ex-husband was extremely dysfunctional.  He was highly abusive, domineering, controlling, a misogynist. I've posted about that before.  I'm so glad I escaped when I did, though it's taken me years of therapy to get beyond the worst of it and I still carry mental scars. Things still sometimes surface, some memory, a trigger, something that re-engages the PTSD that even now, 15 years out, still blindsides me on occasion.

Having a conversation with a friend the other day, and she said something about concern for her step-daughter and the man she's with, who just shuts the daughter down when the girl brings up certain topics. 

This really triggered me.  I was flooded with memories of the way my ex would censor my conversation with others, whether they were friends, family, my own children.  He had strong feelings about what was seemly, what should be discussed inside and outside of the home, what was appropriate to say and what was not. Partly it was about appearances, partly it was about his perceived lack of loyalty from me, who knows what else. 

For example, if the conversation even began to head in the direction of our financial status (we were poor so much of the time becuase he'd get fired or quit frequently) ) he would shut that down, change the subject, redirect the conversation. He would viciously pinch me under the table, stomp on my foot, do something to shut me up, and then pretend concern if I involuntarily reacted "Oh honey, is your stomach acting up again?  Should we leave?" And then when we did, he'd scream and yell at me for even attempting to bring up a forbidden subject. 

Often I was surprised at what he considered forbidden subjects, though I quickly learned to steer clear of the subjects that I knew were off limits.  I didn't want any more bruises! 

I wonder if the fact that I have become so talkative over the years is a direct result of having been shut down and kept quiet for so long?


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## Sassycakes (Jun 9, 2020)

*If I have to say something or want to say something I do it, no matter what others may think. I have to be me.*


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## RadishRose (Jun 9, 2020)

No, I've never experienced anything like that.


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## Keesha (Jun 9, 2020)

Tried? Yes!


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## gennie (Jun 9, 2020)

My ex.  It's one of the reasons he is an ex.


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## DaveA (Jun 12, 2020)

I don't think so but then I've always tried to temper comments to my loved ones so as to cause them as little concern as possible.  Even with unavoidable problems, you have a choice of whether to blurt out whatever is on your mind or try to frame it in a less contentious manner.  Life is made up of choices and if you only consider yourself, you may be  an unpleasant person.

With strangers, if the occasion arises, I may be a bit more blunt.


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## Ronni (Jun 12, 2020)

DaveA said:


> I don't think so but then I've always tried to temper comments to my loved ones so as to cause them as little concern as possible.  Even with unavoidable problems, you have a choice of whether to blurt out whatever is on your mind or try to frame it in a less contentious manner.  Life is made up of choices and if you only consider yourself, you may be  an unpleasant person.



Well, yes.  But this assumes you're dealing with a rational, reasonably emotionally healthy individual with few personality problems and a reasonably healthy dose of self esteem.  

If that's not what you're dealing with, then add in a cup each of arrogance and domination, a box of control and a hefty helping of intimidation, combine it with a pound of narcissism and large wedge of entitlement, mix together well and you have ... well, you have my ex.


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## hellomimi (Jun 12, 2020)

gennie said:


> My ex.  It's one of the reasons he is an ex.


That's a good one.


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## gennie (Jun 12, 2020)

Ronni said:


> Well, yes.  But this assumes you're dealing with a rational, reasonably emotionally healthy individual with few personality problems and a reasonably healthy dose of self esteem.
> 
> If that's not what you're dealing with, then add in a cup each of arrogance and domination, a box of control and a hefty helping of intimidation, combine it with a pound of narcissism and large wedge of entitlement, mix together well and you have ... well, you have my ex.



Were you my ex's second wife?  or maybe third?


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## Duster (Jun 12, 2020)

Yes, with my social justice warrior sister in law.  We had been on a cruise in the Caribbean to a beautiful, underdeveloped island by the name of St.Vincent.  The majority of inhabitants of this island are survivors of a slave ship wreck during a hurricane: 

In 1635, a Dutch ship sank off St. Vincent and its cargo of West African slaves liberated themselves and ran ashore. Together with escaped slaves from neighbouring islands, they merged with our island's Amerindian inhabitants and a new ethnic group, known as Black Caribs or Garifuna, was born.

Anyway, they are very proud of their history and the fact that they have been free men since the 1600's.  

I was trying to tell their story and my sister in law kept interrupting and cutting me off every time I said African.  I kept starting my story back where I left it, she kept cutting off for about 5 minutes. I wanted to smack her, but resisted.  When she finally shut up, she found out I wasn't saying anything negative about anyone, only relaying their history, which was unique for the time and place.


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## Duster (Jun 12, 2020)

Note to abuse survivors:  Under no circumstances watch the new movie, "The Invisible Man". 
Spoiler Alert: It is about a mentally and physically abusive man who uses technology to become invisible, fake his death, and terrify his wife.
I didn't know it was a horror film and was bamboozled into watching it the other night.  I'm still having nightmares about it.  
Whoever made this film must be a sadist. It upsets me just telling you about it. Yes, it was THAT BAD.  
Mental and physical torture are not entertainment, in anyone's world!


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## Capt Lightning (Jun 17, 2020)

Censorship (or at least extreme disapproval) came mainly from my mother.  It was always a case of "You can't say / write / do that. What would people think of your parents?  They'd think that we didn't bring you up properly"
Never a case of "What would they think of you - always what would they think of ME ?"


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## JaniceM (Jun 17, 2020)

Capt Lightning said:


> Censorship (or at least extreme disapproval) came mainly from my mother.  It was always a case of "You can't say / write / do that. What would people think of your parents?  They'd think that we didn't bring you up properly"
> Never a case of "What would they think of you - always what would they think of ME ?"


Sounds like some Narcissistic tendencies...  I had one of those, too.


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## Em in Ohio (Jun 17, 2020)

DaveA said:


> I don't think so but then I've always tried to temper comments to my loved ones so as to cause them as little concern as possible.  Even with unavoidable problems, you have a choice of whether to blurt out whatever is on your mind or try to frame it in a less contentious manner.  Life is made up of choices and if you only consider yourself, you may be  an unpleasant person.
> 
> With strangers, if the occasion arises, I may be a bit more blunt.


I frequently bite my lip, but just until I can compose myself and compose what I wish to say in a calm, rational way.  But like Ronni, I was consistently stifled by a narcissist.  It took me a while to learn to talk again, once I was free and able to socialize.


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## peppermint (Jun 17, 2020)

I say what I want and do what I want...I'm lucky to have my husband for almost 55 years...We say what we want to each other, even though sometimes we disagree...No Big Deal....We know each other for more then 55 years and still together....I'm more of a talker...
He just listens, but only if he disagrees....especially when the kids were young...I was easier with the kids, hubby most of the time would
go what I said...But sometimes he would sit one of the kids and tell them what they did or whatever they didn't do....
They are all grown and have their own kids....
(If anyone here has a Father or Husband, it's Father's Day on Sunday) Our kids
are coming for a barbeque....We also don't hug and we distance...I sad...but we love all....We mostly are a loving family...But
because hubby and I are older and they don't want to get us sick...So all is good....So we do have a very big yard with a pool
and a Gazebo and many tables and chairs....this is the second time we had a barbeque this summer.... Be Well, everyone....


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## gennie (Jun 18, 2020)

Duster said:


> Note to abuse survivors:  Under no circumstances watch the new movie, "The Invisible Man".
> Spoiler Alert: It is about a mentally and physically abusive man who uses technology to become invisible, fake his death, and terrify his wife.
> I didn't know it was a horror film and was bamboozled into watching it the other night.  I'm still having nightmares about it.
> Whoever made this film must be a sadist. It upsets me just telling you about it. Yes, it was THAT BAD.
> *Mental and physical torture are not entertainment, in anyone's world!*


Unfortunately, there are some for whom it is.  There actually are those who get their jollies by abusing others.  You are fortunate to have never known any.


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## Ruthanne (Jun 18, 2020)

Sorry, never felt censored by anyone but I may have censored myself at times to keep the peace.


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## Ronni (Jun 19, 2020)

Ruthanne said:


> Sorry, never felt censored by anyone but I may have censored myself at times to keep the peace.


I think we all do that to some degree @Ruthanne.  Tact, politeness, good manners all sometimes call for either not saying anything, or re-framing what we would LIKE to say.   

Of course, then there are people like my sweet son-in-law William.  He has an absolute heart of gold, and doesn't have a mean or controlling bone in his body, but the entire family will sometimes roll their eyes at the stuff that occasionally flies out of his mouth!!!  OMG!!  We are fond of telling him repeatedly that he needs to ENGAGE HIS BRAIN before opening his mouth and speaking!


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## Capt Lightning (Jun 22, 2020)

JaniceM said:


> Sounds like some Narcissistic tendencies...  I had one of those, too.


No, not Narcissistic - I think my mother was just insecure and afraid of criticism.


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## Lakeland living (Jun 22, 2020)

Been a long time now, but yes several tried....


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## 911 (Jul 1, 2020)

Sounds more like controlling. A lot of men like to control their SO. This can cause her to become an introvert. I was asked to do a welfare check on a young lady who had only been married, I believe 8 or 9 months. The family hadn’t heard from her in a few months and when they would call her, he would answer and tell them that she wasn’t able to come to the phone.

As a cop, our powers are very limited in this type of situation. So, what we do is to take another a Trooper with us and have the husband/BF go outside with the other Trooper while I speak with the young lady alone. I asked her if she was OK. She only nodded ‘yes.’ I asked her to stand up and raise her arms, no bruises. I asked her to raise her dress to the top of her knees and turn around, no bruises.

I asked her if she had any bruises that I could not see. She nodded ‘yes.’ I asked her where. She spoke for the first time and said, “On my back.” I asked her how she got them. She didn’t want to tell me, but she said he hit her with the iron because she didn’t iron his shirt right. I asked her if she would show me the bruise. She did. It was big and black/blue/ yellow. Very ugly.

We arrested him. She didn’t want to sign the complaint. I told that she didn’t have to. The state would sign it. Months later, he got a suspended sentence provided he attended counseling, which he had to prove to his probation officer. Last I knew, they were doing much better.

Evidently, the story that I got was that his mom and dad divorced when he was 14. He lived with his mother. She got a boyfriend who molested him. He said he told his mom and she slapped the crap out of him for lying. He had a very bad young life. The counseling did him a lot of good. Sometimes things work out the way we hope they do. Other times, they don’t.


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## DaveA (Jul 1, 2020)

Sassycakes said:


> *If I have to say something or want to say something I do it, no matter what others may think. I have to be me.*



Well, I do as well, Sassycakes, but if my wife over hears me I have to work hard to "weasel" out of my previous comments.  Been "weaseling for 64 years and it's still working.


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## WhatInThe (Jul 2, 2020)

Many are like a politicians and celebrity pr teams always trying to control the narrative. That's why some always talk fast and loud. Their fear of losing control of it motivates them to speak up not necessarily in a courteous fashion. Also if a narcissists I was reading always try to control the amount of information you give them even if indirectly because they will try to spin it.


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## toffee (Jul 2, 2020)

i remember my sons wife doing it to him in front of people ' made me fume ;;;;;
so when they seperated for a short while - she begged him to come back ,
well i have to say it did the trick -she stopped it '


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## OneEyedDiva (Jul 19, 2020)

My late husband, but nothing serious. I've had to censor him too. Sometimes he had no filter and fabricated things about me right in front of me. He did it jokingly but people who didn't know him (or me) well didn't realize they were jokes.


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