# Why I'm Terrified of Santa Claus



## SifuPhil (Nov 29, 2015)

As far back as I can remember I've been terrified of Santa Claus.

I mean, here's this 400-pound bearded guy in a red suit, black jack-boots and a bondage belt chasing after you going "HO-HO-HO!". You notice how he wears gloves, so that no fingerprints or DNA are left behind at the scene of the crime?

And WHY does he have to break into your house on Christmas Eve? Why can't he just ring the doorbell like anyone else, or even leave the loot on the front porch?

Now yes, I enjoyed getting toys and stuff as much as anyone else. But what was the price you paid for that stuff? Santa WATCHED YOU ALL YEAR!!! He knew when you were sleeping and he knew when you were awake! This guy was a full-time stalker!

And if he watched me all the time, that means he was watching as I took a bath or changed my clothes in gym class at school - a pervert!

My older brother once told me that he had received coal in his stocking for being a bad boy one day. ONE DAY! What kind of sicko would treat a child like that?!?

I had many a nightmare of waking up and finding him standing over my bed, leering at me, his voice rumbling "Have you been GOOD, Philip?"

I always understood the implicit good=get toys and bad=get nothing, but what was his criteria? It was never spelled out anywhere that I could find. Was "good" feeding the cat and picking up my clothes? What if I forgot to do either = was that "bad"? What was his measuring stick?

And only EIGHT tiny reindeer to pull his bulk plus all those heavy sacks around the world? That's animal abuse, plain and simple!

No, I'll never understand why people love Santa Claus.


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## Shalimar (Nov 29, 2015)

HaHaHaHaHaHa. Looking forward to a bent Xmas Philly?


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## jujube (Nov 29, 2015)

In other words, you're _Santaclaus_trophobic.


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## SeaBreeze (Nov 29, 2015)

I remember my mother making sit on Santa's lap once at a public gathering, I started crying until I could go back to my mother, which was pretty quickly.  I was scared of that Santa Claus too.


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## fureverywhere (Nov 29, 2015)

Phil, just for a chuckle you'd enjoy " Hohoho, (Who'd Be a Turkey at Christmas?) by Elton John, of course there are more demented ones...but just a little cocktail celebration where they get so bombed that the Claus is cooking in the fireplace. Delightful tune.


My youngest used to be so scared of the mall Santa. All I had to do was say Santa is walking in the mall. She didn't leave my side for a second.


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## Falcon (Nov 29, 2015)

And let's not forget all those fake Santas.!  There are almost as many of them as Elvis impersonators.

Do Santas EVER leave the building?   I'm really beginning to lose faith.


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## Shalimar (Nov 29, 2015)

HaHaHaHaHa.


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## fureverywhere (Nov 29, 2015)

Something else that's always been a favorite. "The Santa Land Diaries" by David Sedaris. A young man takes a job as a mall elf and hilarity ensues.


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## SifuPhil (Nov 29, 2015)

They even made a SONG about this guy - that's like making a song about Son of Sam!


You better watch out
						You better not cry
						Better not pout
						I'm telling you why
						Santa Claus is coming to town

(In other words, the authorities KNOW he's coming to town, and their best advice is that you better not pout or cry? Lovely.

						He's making a list
						And checking it twice
						Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice
						Santa Claus is coming to town

Okay, so he's OCD as well, and notice they don't tell you how he'll find out if you're naughty or nice ...

						He sees you when you're sleeping
						He knows when you're awake
						He knows if you've been bad or good
						So be good for goodness sake!

So once again, instead of putting multiple restraining orders on this maniac they just tell you to be "good"!


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## Pappy (Nov 30, 2015)

Ann, to top it off. One of Santas reindeer, name withheld until further investigation, ran over Grandma. There will only be seven reindeer this year, charges pending.


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## fureverywhere (Nov 30, 2015)

So once again, instead of putting multiple restraining orders on this maniac they just tell you to be "good"! 

It might be time to say something, does Homeland Security know about this guy?


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## Shalimar (Nov 30, 2015)

I am concerned about the alias--does anyone know who this guy really is? What is his end game? What is in the big red bag anyway? He says it's toys, how do we know?


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## fureverywhere (Nov 30, 2015)

But from what I understand there are still more of them at large. Now how are they going to ID the "real" one? There might be cells of them all over


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## Pappy (Nov 30, 2015)

You are right, fur. They are everywhere and word has it that they will strike Dec. 24th.


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## fureverywhere (Nov 30, 2015)

Here we go...ground troops to the North Pole, but there will be cookies.


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## oakapple (Nov 30, 2015)

We call him Father Christmas here,  and originally he was pictured in a green velvet robe, which was fur trimmed, but now he looks like your Santa ( the Coca Cola ad one). I think that most children are both excited and a bit scared that he will be coming into their room with toys on Christmas Eve, and a bit worried that if they have been naughty there may not be any!I once found our eldest daughter hanging around on the landing at around 6 a.m.she  didn't want to go downstairs in case " he hadn't  left her anything" and I felt a bit guilty , I must have said recently that she was naughty ( she was only 5) so I gave her a hug and said that of course  he would have left her toys and to go and look.We always said that Father Christmas saved time by leaving presents downstairs, so they didn't worry about him coming into their room.:christmas1:

You must have had an early and traumatic Santa encounter Phil!


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## SifuPhil (Nov 30, 2015)

Pappy said:


> Ann, to top it off. One of Santas reindeer, name withheld until further investigation, ran over Grandma. There will only be seven reindeer this year, charges pending.



But do we have extradition treaties with the North Pole?


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## SifuPhil (Nov 30, 2015)

fureverywhere said:


> So once again, instead of putting multiple restraining orders on this maniac they just tell you to be "good"!
> 
> It might be time to say something, does Homeland Security know about this guy?



I think they claimed he was not a "creditable threat at this time", but that might change in a few weeks.


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## SifuPhil (Nov 30, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> I am concerned about the alias--does anyone know who this guy really is? What is his end game? What is in the big red bag anyway? He says it's toys, how do we know?



It's an ugly affair, true. Scuttlebutt says his real name is James Moriarty. His end game - world domination? Global enslavement of children? Production of a Master Race of elves? 

I shudder to think about what's in the bag ... :cower:


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## SifuPhil (Nov 30, 2015)

fureverywhere said:


> But from what I understand there are still more of them at large. Now how are they going to ID the "real" one? There might be cells of them all over



I guess those would be "red cells" ...


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## SifuPhil (Nov 30, 2015)

fureverywhere said:


> Here we go...ground troops to the North Pole, but there will be cookies.



Read my lips ... "No shiny black boots on the ground".


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## SifuPhil (Nov 30, 2015)

oakapple said:


> We call him Father Christmas here,  and originally he was pictured in a green velvet robe, which was fur trimmed, but now he looks like your Santa ( the Coca Cola ad one).



Obviously an attempt to cull favor with children ("Father") and a poor camouflage job.




> You must have had an early and traumatic Santa encounter Phil!



Every year ... every bloody year.


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## Cookie (Nov 30, 2015)

Agree, the whole idea of some old guy called Santa in his red suit, beard and boots is a bit bizarre, like some kind of space alien.  Then there's the reindeer and sleigh thing, kind of makes you wonder what people have been drinking (or smoking).  Do kids really need this fantasy? I think not.


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## fureverywhere (Nov 30, 2015)

Aye it's a splinter cell!!!!


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## NancyNGA (Nov 30, 2015)

And I saw mommy *kissing* Santa Clause.   How traumatic is that! :eewwk:


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## jujube (Nov 30, 2015)

Have you seen the book, "Santa's Twin" by Dean Koontz (the horror genre writer).  It's a great favorite at our house.  It's about Santa's evil twin brother "Bob", who overpowers Santa, locks him up and then heads out in the sleigh to do mischief and mayhem on Christmas eve.  

An excerpt:

_He prowls the downstairs -- wicked, mean--
looking to cause yet one more bad scene.
When he sees the presents under the tree,
he says, "Time for a gift-swapping spree!
I'll take out all the really good stuff,
then box up dead fish, cat poop, and fluff.

"In the morning these kiddies will find
coffee grounds, peach pits, orange rinds,
old stones, mud pies, and rotton potatoes, 
hairballs, dead fish, and spoiled tomatoes.
Instead of nice sweaters, games, and toys,
they'll get slimy sticky stuff that annoys."_

But, fear not, all is well.  He's foiled by two brave little girls whose house he is trashing.  They tie him up, free Santa and they all head out to undo Bob's wickedness. In

In the spirit of Christmas I must add that Bob, to his credit, repents of his evil ways.  

It was a great favorite of my granddaughter, who still wanted it read to her into her teens.


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## fureverywhere (Nov 30, 2015)

See I was a smart kid...even at an early age. All these guys in Santa Wear. Some were old, some younger, different ethnic groups...even as Santa's helpers there was something fishy there. And I knew all the toys were really in my Mom's closet. So Santa? Nah just a photo op for the grown ups.


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## Butterfly (Nov 30, 2015)

When I was very small, I used to worry that Santa wouldn't able to come because we had no fireplace, and hence no chimney


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## Pappy (Dec 1, 2015)

Looks like Santa might be doing some time in the big house.


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## Shalimar (Dec 1, 2015)

I know it's risky, but I have decided to go undercover as a Xmas elf. Will keep you apprised of all developments..


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## SifuPhil (Dec 1, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> I know it's risky, but I have decided to go undercover as a Xmas elf. Will keep you apprised of all developments..



Well, at least you're the right height.

OOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! BAD PHIL!!!!!!!! SLAP MY HAND!!!  :cower:


I, on the other hand, could pass as a tall, distinguished Santa with a Sean Connery accent ...

"*Merry Chrishmash, all!*"


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## Shalimar (Dec 1, 2015)

More like a xmas ogre, Philly. As for the remark concerning my petite stature--bad things come in small packages--be forewarned......


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## Cookie (Dec 1, 2015)

Be careful, Shali, it looks like some kind of weird cult to me!  Don't lose contact with the real world.


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## Shalimar (Dec 1, 2015)

Hmmm. Cookie, perhaps this is my chance to take over Xmas! Hahahahahahahaha! Then the world! Short people unite, this is for you!


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## fureverywhere (Dec 1, 2015)

Perfect plan, Callie as a faux reindeer, not only can he pull the sleigh on his own but we can put a tracker in his harness. He could be the Sargent Stubby of the North Pole Conflict.


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## Sassycakes (Dec 1, 2015)

Picture of a Nude Santa and Mrs Claus /Adults only




Make sure there are no kids in the room!!!




Adults only





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For crying out loud.  Act your age.  There is no Santa !


Sometimes I just can't believe you!!!


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## fureverywhere (Dec 1, 2015)




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## Pappy (Dec 1, 2015)

:crying::lofl:


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## SifuPhil (Dec 1, 2015)

Shalimar said:


> Hmmm. Cookie, perhaps this is my chance to take over Xmas! Hahahahahahahaha! Then the world! Short people unite, this is for you!



Yeah, but first you'll need transportation ...


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## fureverywhere (Dec 1, 2015)

Too  tall to be a dwarf yet my kids tower over me, and just about everyone else, 5'4 is there hope for us????


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## Butterfly (Dec 1, 2015)

fureverywhere said:


> Too  tall to be a dwarf yet my kids tower over me, and just about everyone else, 5'4 is there hope for us????



I'm 5'3" or 5'4" too.  Know what you mean about just about everyone towering over me (at least everyone over about 11 years old).


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## Sassycakes (Dec 2, 2015)

fureverywhere said:


> Too  tall to be a dwarf yet my kids tower over me, and just about everyone else, 5'4 is there hope for us????




I wish there was hope for us. I'm 5'1 and the only grandchild I am taller then is my 5yr old granddaughter. 
One of my Grandson's is already 6'4.


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## fureverywhere (Dec 2, 2015)

Yes it's funny when I try to hug my son or brother, if they don't lean down I come to about waist high.


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## Shalimar (Dec 2, 2015)

Discovered I have now shrunk to 5'1."


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## fureverywhere (Dec 2, 2015)

Hey we're fun sized!


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