Nathan
SF VIP
- Location
- High Desert- Calif.
Why does it hurt so much when we get ghosted? A psychologist explains
When we act, it is likely and appropriate that we would think about how our actions affect others. For example, we think, “What does X think about what I just said?” Still, our thinking about others’ thoughts can also get more complex. We can widen our scope of inquiry by focusing on what someone thinks about the way we feel about someone else (e.g., “What does Y think I feel about X, considering what I just said?” or “What does Y think X feels about me, considering what I just said?”).
These are not necessarily negative or maladaptive thoughts.
Quite to the contrary, these are complex ways of thinking — employed by the most socially skilled among us — to help us develop and maintain social connections. Although important, this way of thinking is not inborn; it is a sophisticated and critical skill we hone over our lifetimes.
As toddlers, we don’t consider our effects on other people. We make demands, cry and throw tantrums in an egocentric way, wanting only to satisfy our own needs and not caring about anyone else. It is only as we learn more about the world, when we develop something called “theory of mind” between the ages of about three to five, that we begin to recognize that other people have thoughts and feelings, and that our actions might affect them. By definition, the theory of mind is an ability to understand that both you and others have mental states and that others’ mental states might be different from your own and even different from what is reality. More here.
When we act, it is likely and appropriate that we would think about how our actions affect others. For example, we think, “What does X think about what I just said?” Still, our thinking about others’ thoughts can also get more complex. We can widen our scope of inquiry by focusing on what someone thinks about the way we feel about someone else (e.g., “What does Y think I feel about X, considering what I just said?” or “What does Y think X feels about me, considering what I just said?”).
These are not necessarily negative or maladaptive thoughts.
Quite to the contrary, these are complex ways of thinking — employed by the most socially skilled among us — to help us develop and maintain social connections. Although important, this way of thinking is not inborn; it is a sophisticated and critical skill we hone over our lifetimes.
As toddlers, we don’t consider our effects on other people. We make demands, cry and throw tantrums in an egocentric way, wanting only to satisfy our own needs and not caring about anyone else. It is only as we learn more about the world, when we develop something called “theory of mind” between the ages of about three to five, that we begin to recognize that other people have thoughts and feelings, and that our actions might affect them. By definition, the theory of mind is an ability to understand that both you and others have mental states and that others’ mental states might be different from your own and even different from what is reality. More here.
