DIL in self imposed lockdown....still

S

Serenity

New Member
Location
Michigan
My DIL is immunocompromised and hasn't been to a restaurant in four years. She and my son basically go nowhere and do nothing except go do docs. My 80th birthday is coming up and my husband, daughter and myself will be going out to a nice restaurant for a nice dinner. This restaurant has widely spaced tables and high ceilings with fans.

Of course, I wanted my son there as it is the BIG one. He and his wife have declined stating that they don't go to restaurants because of covid. In the past couple years I know she hasn't been to an indoor restaurant, but I thought he had. I said "so you won't come even for your mother's 80th". He said, "that's right". I guess I never really got how someone can go to such extremes.

I cannot live that way. They have no friends due to this bizarre thinking. Not like I'm asking them to go out every night for food and drinks to the local pub. Just asking them to join us for maybe a couple hours for my BD. She thinks the risk is too high. I say she would say that if it was 0%. Sorry for venting..
 

Is she medically diagnosed as immunocompromised or just scared? We tend to hit restaurants in the early afternoon. Usually we are all alone in most of them as we just don't like crowds.
 
Serenity said:
My DIL is immunocompromised and hasn't been to a restaurant in four years. She and my son basically go nowhere and do nothing except go do docs. My 80th birthday is coming up and my husband, daughter and myself will be going out to a nice restaurant for a nice dinner. This restaurant has widely spaced tables and high ceilings with fans.

Of course, I wanted my son there as it is the BIG one. He and his wife have declined stating that they don't go to restaurants because of covid. In the past couple years I know she hasn't been to an indoor restaurant, but I thought he had. I said "so you won't come even for your mother's 80th". He said, "that's right". I guess I never really got how someone can go to such extremes.

I cannot live that way. They have no friends due to this bizarre thinking. Not like I'm asking them to go out every night for food and drinks to the local pub. Just asking them to join us for maybe a couple hours for my BD. She thinks the risk is too high. I say she would say that if it was 0%. Sorry for venting..
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My suggestion is that you have the birthday bash at the restaurant, perhaps use the mobile phone to include them in the cutting of the cake and take them some cake the next day. Your son is protecting his wife out of love for her, not out of lack of love for you.
 
The issue isnt whether you agree with their thinking. It is pretty extreme and I dont either

BUT they have the right to make their own decisions and I agree with Warrigal - they are, in their view, protecting themselves, not punishing you.

You have the right to go, they have the right to decline any invitation.

Whether you like it or agree with it or not.

I would try to find a way to include them - go out, enjoy yourselves, skype them in at some point, take photos for them, take them some cake next day etc
Pushing them to come when they don't want to isnt going to work anyway.
 
Warrigal said:
My suggestion is that you have the birthday bash at the restaurant, perhaps use the mobile phone to include them in the cutting of the cake and take them some cake the next day. Your son is protecting his wife out of love for her, not out of lack of love for you.
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People go out of their way to protect their loved one, especially a husband or wife.
We don’t know what torment others go through and it’s always best to give a wide girth to extended family etc.

You can show your support by filming the cutting of the cake and maybe even the singing ( if it’s not too bad ) Me being a smart Alec. NOT!!! 😅lol
 
January said:
The issue isnt whether you agree with their thinking. It is pretty extreme and I dont either

BUT they have the right to make their own decisions and I agree with Warrigal - they are, in their view, protecting themselves, not punishing you.

You have the right to go, they have the right to decline any invitation.

Whether you like it or agree with it or not.

I would try to find a way to include them - go out, enjoy yourselves, skype them in at some point, take photos for them, take them some cake next day etc
Pushing them to come when they don't want to isnt going to work anyway.
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Good post.
Extending yourself so you are part of the solution , not part of the problem, is far more mature
 
I can understand OP feeling disappointed at this and she is entitled to feel however she feels - but if they are going nowhere then it isnt really a snub at her, they aren't going anywhere else either

Sure, OP can not video or zoom them in and not take any photos for them or try to include them at all, - but who is this going to hurt? Is alienating them going to achieve anything?
 
Here's a confession...I kind of liked the Covid shutdown for several reasons, one of them being that it got me out of those obligatory social/family functions.

I say this because I wonder if the son and his family are using covid fear as a handy excuse to not go anywhere. Maybe the greatest joy in their lives is sitting at home doing nothing.
 
Remember the Covid shutdown, driving across a big city sharing 6 lanes with only a couple of cars, no 18 Wheelers Mid-day.
The Bars had outdoor seating and heated tents. Ya picked up your food at a tent by the restaurant. Only line was the food pickups.
Dang masks made me sneeze. The stabs seemed to work.
 
Serenity said:
My DIL is immunocompromised and hasn't been to a restaurant in four years. She and my son basically go nowhere and do nothing except go do docs. My 80th birthday is coming up and my husband, daughter and myself will be going out to a nice restaurant for a nice dinner. This restaurant has widely spaced tables and high ceilings with fans.
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I thought defining
immunocompromised
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would help me in offering an opinion.
What does it mean to be immune compromised?


Immunocompromisation is a way to describe a weak immune system. When your immune system is weakened, your body can't fight off viruses, bacteria, or fungi very well. This can lead to serious infections and can pose a major health risk. Jul 13, 2023

Restaurants could easily cause a severe health issue in your DIL.

As suggested pictures or skype might be a way to include them. My guess is your DIL would like to live to be 80 or longer without compromising her health.
 
What kind of life though? Never going anywhere or doing anything? She is in her early 50's. Many years until she is 80 and she always says she wishes she was dead. Covid did a number on so many. Many who will never recover not so much from Covid itself but the fear of it.
 
Meanderer said:
I think you should honor their wishes, and enjoy your celebration with your husband and daughter. It's not worth the damage you may cause.
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Absolutely agree. Why should these people be forced to do something they're not comfortable with? It's a little controlling to try to guilt them into attending an event they're not comfortable attending. I don't know about your area, but Covid is back strong in mine... some restaurants, theaters, etc. are mandating masks again. I'd feel horrible if someone I guilted into attending an event actually ended up sick or worse!
 
Serenity said:
My DIL is immunocompromised and hasn't been to a restaurant in four years. She and my son basically go nowhere and do nothing except go do docs.
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You must be very happy that your son puts his wife 1st. since that what a good marriage is about. For him her known health condition should & does take precedence over your want to celebrate your birthday with him present.

People look for ways to define love. I think your son displays that by his devotion to his wife & her real needs.
 
CallMeKate said:
Absolutely agree. Why should these people be forced to do something they're not comfortable with? It's a little controlling to try to guilt them into attending an event they're not comfortable attending. I don't know about your area, but Covid is back strong in mine... some restaurants, theaters, etc. are mandating masks again. I'd feel horrible if someone I guilted into attending an event actually ended up sick or worse!
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Last Christmas Hubby and I were uninvited to Christmas lunch because the hostess feared Covid. We have been celebrating Christmas with them (Hubby's brother and family) for many years. However, there are some members of the family who have serious health concerns, not to mention a new baby.

I graciously agreed that that was the best thing to do but I did feel rather hurt and let down, especially for Hubby. However, many years ago Hubby and I attended a Marriage Encounter weekend and one of the takeaways was the idea that love is not a noun, it is a verb. Feelings rise and fall and they are simply spontaneous hormonal reactions to certain stimuli. What counts is how we deal with them.

I decided to put my hurt feelings behind me and seek positive ways to reach out to my sister in law who would have been just as disappointed as I was. In no way was I going to let resentment fester and destroy our relationship, so I rang her on Christmas Day and we exchanged Christmas greetings and hope for a better time next year.

Disappointment is a difficult emotion and can feel like betrayal, but it is not. It is simply our own response to being denied something our heart has been wishing for. We must not let disappointment take root in our mind because once that happens it will grow there like a noxious weed in the rose garden. It will keep coming back and destroy relationships.
 
Serenity said:
What kind of life though? Never going anywhere or doing anything? She is in her early 50's. Many years until she is 80 and she always says she wishes she was dead. Covid did a number on so many. Many who will never recover not so much from Covid itself but the fear of it.
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But that is their choice.

Staying home all the time doesn't seem much of a life to me either - but I like going out and doing things, maybe they don't or have at least adjusted to not doing so.

the question isnt about who is right - regardless of how wrong you or anyone thinks they are, it is their decision and pushing them to change it wont achieve anything.
 
Serenity said:
My DIL is immunocompromised and hasn't been to a restaurant in four years. She and my son basically go nowhere and do nothing except go do docs. My 80th birthday is coming up and my husband, daughter and myself will be going out to a nice restaurant for a nice dinner. This restaurant has widely spaced tables and high ceilings with fans.

Of course, I wanted my son there as it is the BIG one. He and his wife have declined stating that they don't go to restaurants because of covid. In the past couple years I know she hasn't been to an indoor restaurant, but I thought he had. I said "so you won't come even for your mother's 80th". He said, "that's right". I guess I never really got how someone can go to such extremes.

I cannot live that way. They have no friends due to this bizarre thinking. Not like I'm asking them to go out every night for food and drinks to the local pub. Just asking them to join us for maybe a couple hours for my BD. She thinks the risk is too high. I say she would say that if it was 0%. Sorry for venting..
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It's a pity but I do understand both sides.
I had to be very brave to begin going anywhere again as I was terrified of getting sick again. I do go out but still very limited compared to pre-covid. The whole thing has affected many people very profoundly, we really were all very very frightened. I am only just coming out of the deepest depression.
So it is hard for you and them.

One point is I believe my immune system is stronger now, by mixing with others. Staying home may mean they eventually can never come out safely. Just my view.
 


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