Heartbroken - opinions or advice?

V

Vicky

New Member
It’s been 8-yrs since the death of my spouse. I had a 4-yr relationship with a man, but never considered him anything more than a friend, which I ended recently. Since my husband’s death, I never thought I was capable of love again. Then, another aggressive, fun loving, dominate man walked into my life. I asked him for help and at the end of the night, he gave me the most tender kiss I ever felt. It was love at 1st sight for me. Since that point, we were together frequently over the 4-months.

Sex was wonderful especially at my age. However, he found faults in everything I do. I am not the typical feminine person, more like tomboy due to having to do chores myself for so many yrs. No one to lean on. So I believe he sees me too much like a guy. He tells me I have control issues, yet he is the one who has to be doing the asking, pleasing, deciding, giving, etc. Anytime I suggest something, he says “no”.

I want him as a boyfriend, but he says he can’t offer more than a friendship. A best friend type relationship. I finally ended it, because I thought this is what he wanted with all his “no” responses, and his huge desire for alone time. My insecurities stop me from being just a friend. I need reassurance of his affection. I need to know he loves me as much as I love him.

So my question is: Would you have accepted a friendship only, from this man? Or insisted on a boyfriend relationship? I wonder if I did the right thing? It sure does hurt and I miss him tremendously. My new sensations for affection and touch is overwhelming me. Any advice?
 

Sounds like he wants a friends with benefits relationship. Since you have emotional wants and he has physical wants I say it's best to stay apart. You are going to be emotionally invested always hoping for more from him, so will end up constantly frustrated and hurt.

Now that you know you can open your heart find someone on the same page as yourself, that's someone looking for full relationship.
 

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No, I would not want a friendship with a domineering, controlling, and verbally abusive man ("finds fault in everything I do")... no way! You described a classic user and I have a serious problem with being used. Forgive me for suggesting this, but a few of things you mentioned sound as if he may be married and didn't tell you... could that be the case? (Mostly the "can't offer more than friendship....")
 
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Vicky said:
It’s been 8-yrs since the death of my spouse. I had a 4-yr relationship with a man, but never considered him anything more than a friend, which I ended recently. Since my husband’s death, I never thought I was capable of love again. Then, another aggressive, fun loving, dominate man walked into my life. I asked him for help and at the end of the night, he gave me the most tender kiss I ever felt. It was love at 1st sight for me. Since that point, we were together frequently over the 4-months.

Sex was wonderful especially at my age. However, he found faults in everything I do. I am not the typical feminine person, more like tomboy due to having to do chores myself for so many yrs. No one to lean on. So I believe he sees me too much like a guy. He tells me I have control issues, yet he is the one who has to be doing the asking, pleasing, deciding, giving, etc. Anytime I suggest something, he says “no”.

I want him as a boyfriend, but he says he can’t offer more than a friendship. A best friend type relationship. I finally ended it, because I thought this is what he wanted with all his “no” responses, and his huge desire for alone time. My insecurities stop me from being just a friend. I need reassurance of his affection. I need to know he loves me as much as I love him.

So my question is: Would you have accepted a friendship only, from this man? Or insisted on a boyfriend relationship? I wonder if I did the right thing? It sure does hurt and I miss him tremendously. My new sensations for affection and touch is overwhelming me. Any advice?
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You did the right thing. There's someone out there that you won't have to question.
 
We are only getting one side of the story here. How much of the negatives are coming from a place of hurt?

Something doesn't feel right here. Surely you mean more to him? Once or twice booty calls, and then he walks away and shuts you out would be one thing. But you said that you ended things.

Was he asking for a mother or a nurse? Taking money and expensive gifts? Moving in for free rent? Doesn't sound like any of that.

"Only friendship?" Hmm, married or committed to somebody else? What about other baggage that he can't shed? Alimony and child support that leave him unable to pull his weight in a long term pairing? Dangerous career or one that has him on the move (military)? Health issues that leave him feeling unworthy?

The insecurities you have feel telling to me. What would he have to do to provide the emotional assurances you require? It almost sounds like a wedding ring and a pre-nup wouldn't be enough.

How does he feel? Hurting almost as badly as you? Are the two of you communicating about this?


My big nose is telling me that some honesty and communication from both sides might be the key. Pare the story down to the key facts without so much emotion and possible paths may suggest themselves.
 
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I absolutely agree with what you did, he was not for you. Stay away from him as hard as it may be.

Sounds like you have a lot to offer, move on and go out and start meeting new people. Find a good man who feels as you feel.

Best of luck
 
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Telling you that you are the one with control issues is pure projection. You don't put down someone you really care about. I'm very sorry about what you have gone through here, but I do think you are best rid of him. Completely.
 
C50 said:
Sounds like he wants a friends with benefits relationship. Since you have emotional wants and he has physical wants I say it's best to stay apart. You are going to be emotionally invested always hoping for more from him, so will end up constantly frustrated and hurt.

Now that you know you can open your heart find someone one the same page as yourself, that's someone looking for full relationship.
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It's hard to give advice to people when they have not done the inner work. They have to understand that they need to heal first and have a glass overflow before accepting anyone into their lives. If not, this is a very good example of the result. But I do feel for her as it appears that she is emotionally drained and is reaching out for answers. However, the answer comes down to doing the inner work and not considering being in any relationship until there is a glass overflow (self-control and EQ)
 
Timewise 60+ said:
I absolutely agree with what you did, he was not for you. Stay away from him as hard as it may be.

I think your initial attraction was based on your loneliness following the loss of your husband. It is common for people who have been married for a long time to become very lonely and needy following the loss of a spouse. These initial attractions seldom work out.
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No, this wasn't the first relationship after the death of her husband... she's already had a 4 year relationship before meeting this new guy... and then said she fell for him BECAUSE he was aggressive & dominating.. among other things... but this relationship was very short lived... at just 4 months... she says she LOVES him... and wants him to change to someone who LOVES her.. well he clearly doesn't so... after 4 months she needs to chalk it up to experience and walk away...
 
dilettante said:
I'm clearly of the minority opinion here, perhaps colored by my own recent experience. If the guy is such a monster though why even ask for an opinion?

Look around, things are pretty grim out there.
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I think deep down she is aware and is looking for validation. However, if one is not emotionally healed, they will accept another person with the exact same behavior.
 
hollydolly said:
No, this wasn't the first relationship after the death of her husband... she's already had a 4 year relationship before meeting this new guy... and then said she fell for him BECAUSE he was aggressive & dominating.. among other things... but this relationship was very short lived... at just 4 months... she says she LOVES him... and wants him to change to someone who LOVES her.. well he clearly doesn't so... after 4 months she needs to chalk it up to experience and walk away...
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Holly....take a breath, and move on...
 
Did she really mean that he was "aggressive and dominating" though? Perhaps she misspoke and was trying to say the guy was "assertive, fun loving, and masculine" - as opposed to a risk averse, humorless, beta male.

If the meaning inferred in the subsequent posts above were true she'd have no reason to want to be around him anyway. I'd completely agree with 🐝the swarm 🐝that she's better off avoiding abuse just because it might seem better than... committing to the lonely spinsterhood ahead of her considering her pattern of discarding men who won't bend to her whim.

Eight years seems like a generous interval to grow past the abandonment issues that can arise from the loss of a spouse. But if that's still with her then maybe she isn't ready for a new relationship.

If the guy didn't stand his ground in the face of temptation why would she respect him or desire his company anyway? It sounds like a basis for trusting his fidelity if that's the issue.

As she painted him here he doesn't sound abusive, cold and uncaring, or a wimp with no conviction.

Paco Dennis said:
An idea is to get a pet. Get one that is affectionate. Maybe take a few steps back from this relationship for awhile.
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Maybe that's what she thinks she wants: a pet with benefits?
 
dilettante said:
Did she really mean that he was "aggressive and dominating" though? Perhaps she misspoke and was trying to say the guy was "assertive, fun loving, and masculine" - as opposed to a risk averse, humorless, beta male.

If the meaning inferred in the subsequent posts above were true she'd have no reason to want to be around him anyway. I'd completely agree with 🐝the swarm 🐝that she's better off avoiding abuse just because it might seem better than... committing to the lonely spinsterhood ahead of her considering her pattern of discarding men who won't bend to her whim.

Eight years seems like a generous interval to grow past the abandonment issues that can arise from the loss of a spouse. But if that's still with her then maybe she isn't ready for a new relationship.

If the guy didn't stand his ground in the face of temptation why would she respect him or desire his company anyway? It sounds like a basis for trusting his fidelity if that's the issue.

As she painted him here he doesn't sound abusive, cold and uncaring, or a wimp with no conviction.


Maybe that's what she thinks she wants: a pet with benefits?
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Did you miss the part where she said he finds fault with everything she does??? That certainly is not a healthy, loving relationship.
 

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