How do I leave my husband???

Colleen

Colleen

Senior Member
Location
Pennsylvania
We've been married 21 years. He's 77, I'm 71. We're both in excellent health...no issues at all (thank God) right now but I know the day will come for that.

My husband has always depended on me for EVERYTHING!. He wants me to make all decisions in every area of our lives and I've done that for 21 years. I've made some mistakes in those decisions...I'm only human. It would take me too long to tell you what all those decisions were and I'm sure you don't want to be bored reading about them, so, suffice it to say....I'm exhausted and I resent him tremendously for it. His whole life has been that way...letting, and expecting, other people to make decisions for him.

I've also let him move me around the country from house to house that we've never paid off...and never will. When he does make a decision...there's no common sense to it and I'm too tired to even argue about it. We moved to AZ 4 years ago (his decision), and it's beautiful here and the weather is great, BUT there's nothing here. We live 20 miles from town, which has nothing to offer but hotels and fast-food restaurants (I-40 and Route 66 run through here). There's no shopping places except Wal-Mart but I haven't been in one in 5 years or so. There's nothing for us to do here. I've become a recluse. He hangs around the house all day...every day. We go to town once a week to get groceries...that's the extent of my socializing. The only people we see are his 2 grown kids on Sunday's. They moved from CA to be closer to him.

He's also said some very hurtful things to me the last 4 years, but the one that really soured me on him was when he said, "You're the biggest disappointment of my life." After everything I've done for him, especially when I nursed him at home when he was badly injured in a fall, instead of sending him to a rehab center. My mother was verbally abusive to me and my father and when he said that to me, it reminded me of what my mother use to say to me.

I want to go back to PA. I know very well what the weather is like but weather isn't everything. I want to go alone. I want to live the rest of my life making decisions for myself. I feel stuck, though. I only have a small SS to live on and no car. I do know there is subsidized housing there and they have buses for seniors that they ride for free.

I'm not sure how to go about making the break. Do I see an attorney? Would he have to pay me since he has pension and SS?? It boggles my mind when I think about it.

Any advice???
 

It sounds like you are going to be leaving most everything behind when you move, if you have no vehicle. I am assuming that right now, you are living on a combination of your SS and his SS and pension, and you should be able to file on his SS and have more than just what your own income from SS is, and possibly part of the retirement pension as well.
You can just move out and then start the divorce proceedings later.

There should be some kind of a senior legal service for low income people, and since you yourself are low income, I think that would be a good place to start.
Look online for low income or senior legal help, call them, and see what they can advise. It might be easier for you to stay in the same state until you get the divorce at least started; but you should be able to move elsewhere if you need to have a different address.

Possibly a share-house might work for you temporarily.
This is where someone rents out a bedroom of their house, with rights to use the kitchen, and usually the rest of the house, and you might not even need furniture for this.
You pay the homeowner, and they pay all of the utilities, so you would not have to deal with deposits and all of the things you need to actually rent a house or apartment.
You can look in your local paper and on craigslist for a place like this, and that would give you a base to work from while you sorted out everything you need to do to get moved and get a divorce.
 
Absolutely solid advice follows. Paul Simon has it 100% correct:

The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
So I repeat myself, at the risk of being rude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, fifty ways to leave your lover
Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free

Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free
She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said, I appreciate that, then would you please explain about the fifty ways
She said, why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe, in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, fifty ways to leave your lover
Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free
 

Happyflowerlady said:
It sounds like you are going to be leaving most everything behind when you move, if you have no vehicle. I am assuming that right now, you are living on a combination of your SS and his SS and pension, and you should be able to file on his SS and have more than just what your own income from SS is, and possibly part of the retirement pension as well.
You can just move out and then start the divorce proceedings later.

There should be some kind of a senior legal service for low income people, and since you yourself are low income, I think that would be a good place to start.
Look online for low income or senior legal help, call them, and see what they can advise. It might be easier for you to stay in the same state until you get the divorce at least started; but you should be able to move elsewhere if you need to have a different address.

Possibly a share-house might work for you temporarily.
This is where someone rents out a bedroom of their house, with rights to use the kitchen, and usually the rest of the house, and you might not even need furniture for this.
You pay the homeowner, and they pay all of the utilities, so you would not have to deal with deposits and all of the things you need to actually rent a house or apartment.
You can look in your local paper and on craigslist for a place like this, and that would give you a base to work from while you sorted out everything you need to do to get moved and get a divorce.
Click to expand...

Thanks...good advice. I've been checking the area I want to go back to and have found some phone numbers to call. I wasn't sure where to start, but I think this is good information to start with :)
 
treeguy64 said:
Absolutely solid advice follows. Paul Simon has it 100% correct:

The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
So I repeat myself, at the risk of being rude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, fifty ways to leave your lover
Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free

Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free
She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said, I appreciate that, then would you please explain about the fifty ways
She said, why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe, in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, fifty ways to leave your lover
Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free
Click to expand...

Haha...in my younger days...that's exactly what I did do. Harder to do once you hit 70's :(
 
Colleen, do you have children who can help you? Since he has adult children in the area, don't let him "guilt" you into staying on the basis that he needs you to take care of him. His children can do that.

I have nothing to add to the advice you've received from previous posters except to second the advice to seek legal counsel.
 
Hi Colleen, chat with someone on the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-787-3224 to talk to an Advocate. They can tell you what to do first and where to find a shelter for abused women in PA and other resources.

Or go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline Website: http://www.thehotline.org
Computers can be monitored and impossible to completely clear. If you think your computer will be compromised, you can call 800-799-7233

Remember that "violence" doesn't necessarily mean only physical abuse. He's a user, controller, and emotional abuser.

Is the house in your name or both names? If it's just your name then you can tell HIM to leave and you can live in the house for a year until the divorce is final, then call a realtor to help you sell it, and move to PA using the profit. Buy a car with the profit. Pull a u-haul behind you with whatever you can't bear to leave behind.

Drive to a shelter in PA (some shelters are specifically for abused women) and ask them to help you find the resources available for your situation. The Hotline I gave you above can help you with that.

If he doesn't leave, and you feel you're in danger, you can call the police and get a restraining order.

Why PA? Do you have family or friends there?
 
jujube said:
Colleen, do you have children who can help you? Since he has adult children in the area, don't let him "guilt" you into staying on the basis that he needs you to take care of him. His children can do that.

I have nothing to add to the advice you've received from previous posters except to second the advice to seek legal counsel.
Click to expand...

Legal counsel is my top priority since finances will be a major issue with me. However, I felt better when I found out I would be eligible for Section 8 housing and free transportation among other benefits. I need to get my ducks in a row :)
 
Lara said:
Hi Colleen, chat with someone on this Hotline website. Or you can call 800-787-3224 to talk to an Advocate. They can tell you what to do first and where to find a shelter for women in PA and other resources.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org
Computers can be monitored and impossible to completely clear. If you think your computer will be compromised, you can call 800-799-7233

Remember that "violence" doesn't necessarily mean only physical abuse. He's a user, controller, and emotional abuser.

Is the house in your name or both names? If it's just your name then you can tell HIM to leave and you can live in the house for a year until the divorce is final, then call a realtor to help you sell it, and move to PA using the profit. Buy a car with the profit. Pull a u-haul behind you with whatever you can't bear to leave behind.

Drive to a shelter in PA (some shelters are specifically for abused women) and ask them to help you find the resources available for your situation. The Hotline I gave you above can help you with that.

If he doesn't leave, you can call the police and get a restraining order.

Why PA? Do you have family or friends there?
Click to expand...

Thanks so much for the info. I will make note of it.

The house is both our names and that's something I would need to ask an attorney. The car is in my name but it's new and I wouldn't be able to afford the payments.

Why PA?....I lived there from 1975-1997. Then we moved back in 2008 and lived there for another 6 years. It feels more like my home than my hometown I was raised in, which I left in 1975 to go to PA. I have friends in PA and I know what the town offers in housing, senior activities, shopping areas, etc. It's actually more affordable than here in AZ.
 
I understand. I used to live in PA too and, it's funny, I feel that out of all the places I've ever lived (many), Bucks County is where I feel most at home. But now it would be too far from my family.

When you talk to the Advocate on the hotline she may steer you to where you might qualify for free legal counsel considering your situation. Most attorneys offer a free 15 minute phone conversation for quick questions and answers. Ask first.

I was going to tell you what to do about the car but I'll refrain because I'm not a divorce lawyer
 
RadishRose said:
Colleen, 21 years is a long time. At our age, you may be surprised at how you may feel after the dust settles and you're alone.

I seem to recall you and your son are somewhat estranged, that he was never helpful to you. https://www.seniorforums.com/showthread.php/35839-Flowers-from-my-son-that-went-in-the-garbage-

That's so sad and I just hope you don't find yourself afraid and totally alone if you do leave. I wish you the best.

You deserve to be happy.
Click to expand...

Yes, it is sad that my son has chosen to not be a son to me, but that's his choice. He'll have to deal with that at some time in his life. In the meantime, I need to get on my own before it's too late and I'm too old or sick or whatever to enjoy what's left of my life. I'm not looking forward to the confrontation with him to tell him my decision. I've put it off for a long time. He's not a bad man. He's let me have anything I want. I could have taken all his money and run a long time ago like other women before me have done, but that's not me. I've always come out on the short end of the stick in other relationships. I'm just tired of living with someone that has no clue about anything and doesn't want to have a clue. I see why other women before me have left him or kicked him out. I'm sure they were tired of having to make every decision, too.
 
Colleen, I applaud your strength. While not downplaying the difficulties incurred, I do believe that in the long run you will be much happier without an emotional albatross around your neck. He is an abusive perennial child who is dragging you down. I have a

client in her late seventies who divorced her husband of over fifty years over similar concerns. After a period of adjustment, she is happier than she has been since her teens. She is finally free to live an authentic life. Thinner, fitter, taking free classes at a nearby college. She has become a peer counselor to others facing major life changes.
 
Colleen, what about leaving him but not AZ at this time?
I know you want a clean break but it may be easier to handle legal and other issues when you are not across the country but maybe in a better part of the state. I mean where there is more to do and access to things while you make a thought out plan.
Maybe move to PA in a year?
Just a thought.
 
Colleen, I agree with Happyflowerlady that you need to seek legal advice on your particular situation. Sorry, I have no advice for you except to follow your heart and leave as soon as you can after thinking it all out, getting legal advice and making sure you'll be able to live out the rest of your life independently and not be burdened financially.

Best of luck to you, I would want to get away also. Here's a site with a number where you might be able to get free or low cost legal advice, if they can't help perhaps they can direct you to someone in your area who can. Website here.

Working in collaboration with the Arizona Senior Citizens Law Project, the Area Agency provides legal assistance to low-income seniors age 60 and older. In addition, our own in-house staff attorney can provide legal information and referral services to clients and legal assistance to staff.

Clients can meet with a licensed attorney, have documents reviewed, receive information and referral or advocacy services and be assured of confidentiality. If clients require further legal representation, the Agency’s staff attorney refers them to the Arizona Senior Citizens Law Project or to private attorneys with expertise in the specific legal area.

By working together, the Agency’s staff attorney and the Arizona Senior Citizen Law Project have enhanced the cost-effectiveness of legal services, improved client service and built a successful partnership.

Contact Us Today

Please call the Senior HELP LINE at 602-264-HELP to find out more about available legal assistance.
Click to expand...
 
Colleen said:
Thanks so much for the info. I will make note of it.

The house is both our names and that's something I would need to ask an attorney. The car is in my name but it's new and I wouldn't be able to afford the payments.

Why PA?....I lived there from 1975-1997. Then we moved back in 2008 and lived there for another 6 years. It feels more like my home than my hometown I was raised in, which I left in 1975 to go to PA. I have friends in PA and I know what the town offers in housing, senior activities, shopping areas, etc. It's actually more affordable than here in AZ.
Click to expand...

According to the internet, Arizona is a community property state (as is New Mexico where I live):

"Arizona is a community property state and community property law controls the division of all assets of your marital estate. ... Unless the presumption of community property can be overcome, all property acquired during the marriage is to be divided equally upon divorce of the parties.

[h=3]What is Community Property Law in Arizona and Why Does it Matter ...[/h]www.jaburgwilk.com/.../what-exactly-is-community-property-law-in-arizona-and-why-..."
 
Butterfly said:
According to the internet, Arizona is a community property state (as is New Mexico where I live):

"Arizona is a community property state and community property law controls the division of all assets of your marital estate. ... Unless the presumption of community property can be overcome, all property acquired during the marriage is to be divided equally upon divorce of the parties.

What is Community Property Law in Arizona and Why Does it Matter ...

www.jaburgwilk.com/.../what-exactly-is-community-property-law-in-arizona-and-why-..."
Click to expand...

I was just reading about that on the senior law site for Mohave County where I live.
 
I have a different view to to add. I hate seeing people split up after so long together. I wish you guys could get counseling or something, apologize to each other and focus on why you to came together to begin with. One of you or both will be devastated after this happens. This is a late time in life to begin starting over.
 


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