Humor - Doctors

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Beware of your Doctor uttering these phrases !




  1. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
  2. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
  3. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
  4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
  5. ...and could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
  6. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
  7. Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint. However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.
  8. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
 
Medical Exams
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's
going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began
to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
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2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope
on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
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3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive
internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
Â
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that
he was having trouble with one of his medications.
Which one?' I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told
me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
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5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband
was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR
Â
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning
and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's
your breakfast this morning?'
It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste. Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil
packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit,
Â
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange
clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed
on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair
had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that
read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short
note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to
mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
Â
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover
my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said... 'I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing
so hard... 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I
wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
 
Kevin had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.
Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
 

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