Who should I name in my will?

Colleen

Colleen

Senior Member
Location
Pennsylvania
As many of you know, my husband died unexpectedly in October. We were planning to make our final arrangements and have a will made after the first of the year (2024). However, that didn't happen. I've had so many decisions to make in the last couple months that I've felt overwhelmed at times and just didn't have the energy to tackle one more thing like getting my final arrangements settled and getting a will made. Now, it's been on my mind a lot lately and I need to get this done.

My problem is with a will and who I should put in it. I've had a rocky relationship with my only son. He's 47, not married (as far as I know), and lives 40 miles from me here in PA. I haven't seen him since hubby and I moved to AZ in 2014. He never calls or texts. The last time I got a text from him was when I let him know that my husband had died.

Then there's hubby's 3 kids. His oldest son lives in AZ in the town we lived in. He doesn't call me or text either. I don't have any contact with his middle son. He cut his dad out of his life years ago because his wife didn't like us. His daughter and her husband drive for FedEx and they're on the road all the time so I don't really have much contact with them. Their home base is also AZ. She and I have "tolerated" each other all these years for her dad's sake but now that he's gone, I'm sure that relationship will eventually end.

I have (1) remaining cousin in MI that I still have contact with. We haven't seen each other in years but we keep in touch on FB. I have good friends that hubby and I had when we lived in another town. They were our neighbors and we've (I've) known them since 2008. They visited us when we moved back to PA from AZ and they've been to my house a couple times since hubby passed.

Other then that, I don't have anyone to put in a will. I was an only child so no siblings.

What would you do? Who would you designate as a beneficiary on your bank accounts? I have no idea.
 

Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here knowing it most likely won't be a popular answer... but I've read your post and have concluded that what I'd personally do is name one or several places like food banks, homeless shelters, a church, library, arts center, etc. instead of people who've had nothing to do with me, related or not. I really don't know about things like this, but would an estate attorney be able to carry out your wishes as far as bank accounts, etc.? If this isn't even something that can be done, I reserve the right to delete my response. :giggle:

Edited to add: I've heard of people setting up scholarships as well... that would go on for years. Or hospice/hospital gifts, etc.
 
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First, I am sorry to see that your husband has passed. Best wishes to you as you pick up the pieces. You had a really good question! This will require some thought on your part. Traditionally, it is customary for you to leave your estate to your children. In this case, I might suggest that you leave both your and your husband's children a token amount each. That way, it would make it harder for them to contest the will. (Find a good senior estate lawyer to help you word it properly) One caution - if you name an attorney as executor - they will charge your estate for every little thing they do.

As for friends - I have a couple of gals that I know (and have been good friends over the years) who have a LOT less than I do. I would love to share something with them but a gift of cash could make them ineligible for some benefits. If that doesn't matter to the people you know, of course you could name them as a beneficiary.

Otherwise, it is YOUR money so you can leave it to whomever you wish - including local charities or even your town (I recently read that someone left their entire estate to their town - interesting) Think about what is around you that would really put funds to good use - a library, a school, a food bank, endow a scholarship, ... the list is long. As for your bank accounts. Most places will let you add a TOD (Transfer On Death - person or other entity) to your account. Do something that makes YOU happy!
 
Would your husband have wanted his children to inherit some of the estate? If he still quietly cared about them, he might have done this anyway. If so, I’d share it equally among them and your son and set some aside for other special things you care about. Basically after everything is paid out, 80% would be divided amongst the four of them and you can designate the last 20% be divided amongst things you care about.

If you don’t want the proportions to be equal, pick your own percentages.
 
I'm just going to reiterate what you've said so you can think about this some more....because it's not my place to decide.

Your husbands kids: Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds as if your husband's 3 kids have no love for you nor for your husband when he was alive, nor you for them.

Your son: You have a "rocky relationship with your son" but at least you have a relationship of some degree? It's been almost a decade since he has texted you after your husband died...if you ever needed him to take care of you, would he move closer to you or move you closer to him so he could help you? If yes then you might want to leave him something.

Meanwhile, see if you can cultivate a closer relationship with your son. The world is getting a lot more complicated as you know. AI is accelerating the timeline for this. There will someday be no middle class...maybe not in our lifetime but likely in your son's. I'm sure he would appreciate some financial help since it's going to be hard to stay alive. Food will be unaffordable as well as a roof over his head.

Your friends: You said you "would love to share with your friends" because they have a lot less than you. You said "Love". By all means, if that is where your joy lies then then consider sharing with them. But I'm not telling you what to do. Just helping you think through what you already said.

The somewhat rich are about to become billionaires and eventually trillionaires if they have stocks in certain AI tech stocks. So, I hate to speculate but they are the ones who are going to be able to share enough with charities to make a significant difference for them. Just guessing. But it's time to think about that. However giving is biblical so I can't suggest not to give what you can within reason, however small. Especially if you believe the charity is using at least 95% of your gift and 5% for ads and office stuff. Just be very mindful when choosing.
 
CallMeKate said:
Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here knowing it most likely won't be a popular answer... but I've read your post and have concluded that what I'd personally do is name one or several places like food banks, homeless shelters, a church, library, arts center, etc. instead of people who've had nothing to do with me, related or not. I really don't know about things like this, but would an estate attorney be able to carry out your wishes as far as bank accounts, etc.? If this isn't even something that can be done, I reserve the right to delete my response. :giggle:

Edited to add: I've heard of people setting up scholarships for pet projects, as well, that would go on for years. Or .hospice/hospital gifts, etc.
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I agree. I would at least keep this as an option.
 
Well, I have the opposite problem. Two wonderful adult grandsons, two great brothers who have multiple children, and good relationships with all of them. What I don't have is anything to leave them except for a few worn out Harley Davidson tee shirts and possibly some unpaid medical bills.

I follow (on FB) a couple of dog rescue organizations here in central florida. They are both no kill, volunteer groups, one specializes in Shih Tzus and the other in Poodles, but they both take in other breeds. Please consider finding similar organizations in your area and share your estate with them.

Poodle and Pooch

Shih Tzu Rescue
 
In your situation I would leave the money to your good friends that need it. You haven’t heard from your son or seen him in 10 years so I wouldn’t leave him or your step kids anything. You should leave them all a dollar so they can’t contest the will and claim you forgot them.
 
Lara said:
I'm just going to reiterate what you've said so you can think about this some more....because it's not my place to decide.

Your husbands kids: Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds as if your husband's 3 kids have no love for you nor for your husband when he was alive, nor you for them.

Your son: You have a "rocky relationship with your son" but at least you have a relationship of some degree? It's been almost a decade since he has texted you after your husband died...if you ever needed him to take care of you, would he move closer to you or move you closer to him so he could help you? If yes then you might want to leave him something.

Meanwhile, see if you can cultivate a closer relationship with your son. The world is getting a lot more complicated as you know. AI is accelerating the timeline for this. There will someday be no middle class...maybe not in our lifetime but likely in your son's. I'm sure he would appreciate some financial help since it's going to be hard to stay alive. Food will be unaffordable as well as a roof over his head.

Your friends: You said you "would love to share with your friends" because they have a lot less than you. You said "Love". By all means, if that is where your joy lies then then consider sharing with them. But I'm not telling you what to do. Just helping you think through what you already said.

The somewhat rich are about to become billionaires and eventually trillionaires if they have stocks in certain AI tech stocks. So, I hate to speculate but they are the ones who are going to be able to share enough with charities to make a significant difference for them. Just guessing. But it's time to think about that. However giving is biblical so I can't suggest not to give what you can within reason, however small. Especially if you believe the charity is using at least 95% of your gift and 5% for ads and office stuff. Just be very mindful when choosing.
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What a well thought out response Lara
 
I’m in a very similar situation. My husband died January 8th. We don’t have any siblings, children, or close family members or friends to leave anything too. So, we made a list of our favorite organizations and designated a % that we want to give to each organization. We also requested that any non perishable food be distributed to the food pantries around our town (I think we have three).

I’m so sorry about the loss of your husband. I never in a million years thought there would be so much paperwork and phone calls involved in settling a deceased spouse’s affairs. I’m sure you experienced the same thing. It’s exhausting.
 
Colleen said:
I've had a rocky relationship with my only son. He's 47, not married (as far as I know), and lives 40 miles from me here in PA. I haven't seen him since hubby and I moved to AZ in 2014. He never calls or texts. The last time I got a text from him was when I let him know that my husband had died.
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Not to butt in on your family's relationships, but... :ROFLMAO:

If there is any way to repair this one isn't now the time?

I know this isn't of the same scope at all, but I've been wavering for 3 years trying to swallow some pride and take a risk at getting in touch with a former friend and repairing that lost friendship:

Here is an example of how something silly can do a lot of damage. I knew this guy since college days. He stood up with me at my wedding. I built a new home not far from him and I still live in the same town.

But there was a week long fishing trip to the lakes not far from Wawa, Ontario. It was rough because there was a lot of discomfort sleeping on rock, every day was hot brutal sun, the giant mosquitos provided the only shade, we barely got one nibble on a line, and he nearly capsized our canoe within 40 feet of two adult moose with a calf. And then we had that long, long, long ride home. Plus he put one of my music cassettes in wrong and the dash player ate it.

Once we got back we've never spoken again more than just once, at a high school event we both had kids in.

Looking back on lost time I am kicking myself. But then there is the future to consider as well.
 
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CallMeKate said:
Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here knowing it most likely won't be a popular answer... but I've read your post and have concluded that what I'd personally do is name one or several places like food banks, homeless shelters, a church, library, arts center, etc. instead of people who've had nothing to do with me, related or not. I really don't know about things like this, but would an estate attorney be able to carry out your wishes as far as bank accounts, etc.? If this isn't even something that can be done, I reserve the right to delete my response. :giggle:

Edited to add: I've heard of people setting up scholarships as well... that would go on for years. Or hospice/hospital gifts, etc.
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I don't think you answer is unpopular at all. I think it is a great solution.
 
I have heard that if you leave something such as a token gift to immediate family they will be unable to claim that they were not included in your will. For example a former colleague is leaving 50 cents and half a roll of toilet paper to his ex, the mother of his children.
 
Teacher Terry said:
In your situation I would leave the money to your good friends that need it. You haven’t heard from your son or seen him in 10 years so I wouldn’t leave him or your step kids anything. You should leave them all a dollar so they can’t contest the will and claim you forgot them.
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I totally agree with Teacher Terry. If your friends are low income this would be a gift, surely this would not affect their income. But you may have different rules there. You might like to consider giving them something while you are still here. IMOH your children do not sound like they deserve anything. Can you not word something in your will that states if any one disputes it then they are written out completely. Finally charities, if you are a pet mum then animal charities are very deserving. Good luck.
 

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