How do you cope living with rude family?

D

DinaMartinez

New Member
Hello everyone,

I have been living with my son and his wife and teenage grandsons for the past 2 years now. Its not been a good experience for me.

My DIL is very passive aggressive and jealous of the bond I have with my son. Unfortunately, my son doesn’t stand up to her like he should.


She is always making indirect snarky comments about me “not doing anything”. Im 77 and doing the best I can.

She complains to my son (loud enough so that I can hear) about how I never cook or clean up after myself and expect to be waited on.

The other day she came home from work and I was sitting in the living room with one of my grandsons. She asked if we ate dinner and before we could answer she mumbled “of course not, the maid just arrived”. I told my son about this comment when he got home and he laughed

She also gets bothered when I have my son take me out to run errands because she says that it’s “funny” how that I can’t drive myself around when he’s got a weekend off. He thinks thats funny, too. I can drive myself, I just prefer to spend time with my son.

I really wish I could say something to her but I know that would just cause trouble so I just bite my tongue

My daughter now lives in a different state and I really don’t want to uproot my life at 77. I have asked my granddaughter if I could move in with her, even offering to pay the majority of her rent. But she says her place is too small and she’s doesn’t want to share a bed

I’m stuck.
 

@DinaMartinez , what you have described is literally a classic textbook example of a live-in parent situation. I'm sure it's very upsetting for you, but it is also a strain on your son and his wife's marriage. I witnessed this firsthand, my grandmother (maternal) lived with us, as a child I loved having my grandmother living with us, but my dad didn't. Eventually my parents divorced, my grandmother became a nanny for some well-to-do family. If you could afford a place of your own you would be free from the tense situation that probably cannot be resolved.
 

Unless you are physically or mentally disabled move out and find your own place. Even in the best of situations this never is a good option. If you cannot support yourself, then make do, being thankful that your family is able and willing to help support you. Stop stirring the pot, it serves no purpose and may do long-term damage to relationships...
 
DinaMartinez said:
She is always making indirect snarky comments about me “not doing anything”. Im 77 and doing the best I can.
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Without knowing if you have any health or physical limitations commenting is limited to comparison.
My wife is 80 years old. She cooks everyday, cleans, walks 2 miles each time at least 5 times a week.

Your son is caught in the middle but shouldn't be. Marriages work when couples support each other. It's nice you have their home to live in but IMO you are a guest that according to what you describe as being 77 as an excuse to offer no help.

I will repeat my post begins with.
Quote
"Without knowing if you have any health or physical limitations"
 
I would do my best to avoid taking sides or expressing opinions about members of the family.

Stay as independent as possible including running your own errands, your son needs his down time and family time too.

If you are physically and financially able to live independently start looking for an apartment and get you name on the waiting lists for any subsidized senior apartments that you may qualify for.

Good luck and welcome!
 
Hi Dina. Welcome to the forum! I hope you enjoy it here. 🤗

DinaMartinez said:
The other day she came home from work and I was sitting in the living room with one of my grandsons. She asked if we ate dinner and before we could answer she mumbled “of course not, the maid just arrived”. I told my son about this comment when he got home and he laughed.
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Maybe surprise her by preparing dinner before she gets home.

DinaMartinez said:
She also gets bothered when I have my son take me out to run errands because she says that it’s “funny” how that I can’t drive myself around when he’s got a weekend off. He thinks that's funny, too. I can drive myself, I just prefer to spend time with my son.
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Perhaps you could drive him the next time, or else leave him at home.
 
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Well, Dina, you have two choices. #1, stay put, and keep your mouth shut. You are going to have to live with the D.I.L., whom you don't like. #2, if you feel so upset by your D.I.L., move out.
But, that's just a smoke screen, you and your D.I.L. are fighting over your son's/ her husband's affection. You want him to throw her out, and she wants him to throw you out.
 
In my case both sets of in-laws are rude people. I am tired of dealing with it and in no way will I live with either family. I don't even want to go to family events like holidays and birthdays anymore. They are so upsetting for me and it takes a while to find peace again afterward. This poster has helped me feel a little better knowing I'm not the only one dealing with this.
 
Try and get your own place, even if you have to get on a subsidized waiting list. You said you can drive, I don't know if that means you do. But if you don't, most towns have a low charge van for disabled (who get priority) and seniors for door to door transport.

I grew up in a hell house, I'll never live with any conflict.
 
I think a lot of us have an age number in our heads that means we don't have to do any work anymore. I remember that my grandmother had a number like that at which point she quit living alone and moved in with my mom and dad. In her case the number was 90.

If you're in good health then 77 is too early to come to a complete stop. You should be able to straighten the house, dust, swiffer and do some laundry every morning while the family is out and have dinner ready when everyone gets home.

Then you can spend time with your son, grandchildren and even her while everyone sits together and enjoys the meal you cooked.
 
DinaMartinez said:
about how I never cook or clean up after myself and expect to be waited on.
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See, here's the part I have a problem with... *after myself.* So it sounds as if she doesn't even ask you to clean the house or cook or anything else... just clean up after yourself. Not getting why you wouldn't automatically do that. And if you are physically disabled to where you can't do that, there's probably a better place to live where you could be assisted.

A question I have is.... well why *didn't* you and your grandsons already have dinner that time you mentioned? They're teenagers and should be able to do or at least help with meal prep and light housework.

You may also want to feel a little gratitude that your son and his wife even agreed to have you move in with their family.
 
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I agree with the majority; you need to get out of there.

If I were in your shoes, my son's happiness and peace in his home would be a priority. I'd look for a cheap apartment or senior living community, and I wouldn't let my son talk me out of it. In fact, I'd do everything possible to make him feel okay about it, like it's what I want to do, not something I have to do because of his wife's attitude. And she does have a bad attitude, but if you tell your son you're looking for a place, keep her out of the equation...don't even mention her.

Anyway, if you can go online, look up "low-income housing agencies" and "subsidized senior living communities" in your area.

They all have waiting lists, but if you put on the applications that you are a "displaced senior" it will move you to the short-list. And don't say you live with someone, just say you have occasional access to a shower, a bed, and some meals at your son's home, but nothing permanent. That gets you on the urgent short-list. Being a military veteran does, too.
 
I don't think the wife has a bad attitude at all. The OP sounds as if she does expect to be her son's priority and implys she does not contribute. The man should be able to spend the weekend with his family rather than with a mother who is trying to take him away from them on the weekend. She implys she drives herself during the week. There is no reason for a power struggle like this other than jealousy IMO.

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.". This verse is often interpreted as signifying a man's commitment to his wife upon marriage, leaving behind his parents to form a new family unit with his spouse. Genesis 2:24
 
katlupe said:
Find the number for your local office for the aging. They would give you resources to be able to get out of there. If you don't leave you are going to be miserable forever. Good luck!
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more to the point, and it has to be said, not trying to upset the OP... but Dina.. if you don't leave, you're going to be the cause of serious marital problems between your son and his wife, which will cause at the very least resentfulness in the adults which is being clearly demonstrated by the wife..already, and will adversely affect their children for the rest of their lives .

You're his mother.. but he has a wife now who has to come first. None of us mothers like it when our kids put someone else in front of us.. but we have to accept it.. it's the way life.. is.. You will find if you move out you're bound to then have a better relationship with your d-i-l.. and if not, at least you will still have your son who , and you won't have to endure any more sarcasm from your D-I-L

You need to give your son and his wife their own space....
 
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DebraMae said:
I don't think the wife has a bad attitude at all.
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I do. I was in a relationship with a lady when I moved in with my parents to take care of them. Dad had a bad stroke and mom simply didn't have enough physical strength to care for him. Plus she had mobility issues. Anyway, my lady sometimes came to spend the night with me, and one morning, after my mom put her coffee cup in the sink, my GF asked me why she didn't at least rinse it out. She never said anything to my mom but she asked me questions like that pretty often.

It's because she didn't feel like it. Mom had taken care of her family for decades, with very little help, and she was done with it. And she knew I was ok with that.

DebraMae said:
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.". This verse is often interpreted as signifying a man's commitment to his wife upon marriage, leaving behind his parents to form a new family unit with his spouse. Genesis 2:24
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(y)

But if he chooses to care for an aging parent, his wife should not only accept it with love and grace, she should be his helper.
 

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