How do you cope living with rude family?

Murrmurr said:
Except when it does you more harm than good. Sometimes it hurts to cook and clean. Sometimes you can only do it in spits and spurts, and sometimes you can't do it at all. People should be forgiving of that.
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Sorry, you're right of course.
Correction:
The exercise of cooking and cleaning up IF YOU ARE UP TO IT MAY do you good and your body MAY thank you for it.
 

Murrmurr said:
Except when it does you more harm than good. Sometimes it hurts to cook and clean. Sometimes you can only do it in spits and spurts, and sometimes you can't do it at all. People should be forgiving of that.
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The problem is that younger people do not understand the condition and mind of older people. I see that in Yoga practice, the younger Yoga teachers(as wonderful as they are as people) simply can't picture an elder Yogi's physical limitations. That's why I prefer older Yoga teachers. That said, maybe it's time for the OP to give up a no-win situation and take care of her needs, on her terms.
 

John cycling said:
Hi Dina. Welcome to the forum! I hope you enjoy it here. 🤗


Maybe surprise her by preparing dinner before she gets home.


Perhaps you could drive him the next time, or else leave him at home.
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I buy dinner whenever I can. I don't cook because even if I didn't live with them, my DIL would be the one cooking. She's a good cook and knows what the boys like better than I do.

And why would I drive me son? He wouldn't want me to drive him anyway. I prefer to run errands with my son because that way he can help me carry heavy things.
 
Teacher Terry said:
Why not rent your own studio apartment? Families need their own space and relationships are better when parents don’t live with adult children.
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It's very normal for senior parents to live with their adult children. Also I have never lived alone and have no interest in living alone at my age. Families are supposed to help each other.
 
Murrmurr said:
100%

And nothing you can say will enlighten them, or give them that understanding. I suppose it's just beyond their scope. And that's forgivable, but it is very unfortunate.
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My husband was a kick in the head. As young people, we were tooling both our grandmothers around to all the touristy spots. At regular intervals he would stop the car, turn around and say, "Okay, who's got to go to the bathroom?" They both did every time.
 
DebraMae said:
Unless you are physically or mentally disabled move out and find your own place. Even in the best of situations this never is a good option. If you cannot support yourself, then shut the heck up and make do, being thankful that your family is able and willing to help support you. Stop stirring the pot, it serves no purpose and may do long-term damage to relationships...
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Wow, that's rude. I am very thankful to my son for doing what he is supposed to do. Children are supposed to take care of their senior parents. I took care of him for 18 years now it's my turn to be taken care of. And I'm not "stirring the pot". My DIL knew what she was getting herself into. I have always been close with my son.
 
DinaMartinez said:
Hello everyone,

I have been living with my son and his wife and teenage grandsons for the past 2 years now. Its not been a good experience for me.

My DIL is very passive aggressive and jealous of the bond I have with my son. Unfortunately, my son doesn’t stand up to her like he should.


She is always making indirect snarky comments about me “not doing anything”. Im 77 and doing the best I can.

She complains to my son (loud enough so that I can hear) about how I never cook or clean up after myself and expect to be waited on.

The other day she came home from work and I was sitting in the living room with one of my grandsons. She asked if we ate dinner and before we could answer she mumbled “of course not, the maid just arrived”. I told my son about this comment when he got home and he laughed

She also gets bothered when I have my son take me out to run errands because she says that it’s “funny” how that I can’t drive myself around when he’s got a weekend off. He thinks thats funny, too. I can drive myself, I just prefer to spend time with my son.

I really wish I could say something to her but I know that would just cause trouble so I just bite my tongue

My daughter now lives in a different state and I really don’t want to uproot my life at 77. I have asked my granddaughter if I could move in with her, even offering to pay the majority of her rent. But she says her place is too small and she’s doesn’t want to share a bed

I’m stuck.
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In my opinion, I think you should be thankful that both your son and his wife have accepted your living in their home with them and their family. From the way you speak, it appears you favor your son and don't appreciate the woman he is married to. Remember, she is part of the reason you are allowed to stay there.

My husband's father had a major stroke in his late seventies, which left him half paralyzed, could not speak and could not take care of himself in any way at all, completely bedridden.

My mother in law was also suffering with pains from a broken hip and was using a walker and wheelchair. To avoid having to put them in a nursing home, we welcomed them into our home. They had the main floor due to wheelchairs, etc., and we moved into the basement. My husband and I came upstairs every day to care for his father who was bedridden, completely care for him and feed him, etc.

My mother in law, although she was suffering with her own pains and had trouble moving around, did her best to help in little ways, like doing what she physically was capable of doing to help her husband.....which was a big help to both of us, who were still working, opposite shifts, only way we handled things so well.

In my opinion, especially if you can drive and do your own errands and shopping, should be doing it on your own to not impose on them too much. You appear to be using that as an excuse to spend more time with your son, and disregarding his wife. Remember, he's a grown man with a family of his own and a wife loving enough to let you stay in their home.

You are wrong and being selfish. You are showing no respect for your son's wife, and therefore causing a lot on unnecessary stress and tension on him and their marriage.

I think, if you truly love your son, regardless of how jealous you are of his wife, you should move out. Stop thinking of yourself, stop breaking up a family and a marriage. Since you do nothing, and use an excuse that she can cook better, I would show you the door ASAP.

They have already sacrificed their privacy and family life to accommodate you and you are rudely spitting in their faces. Shame on you. You're independent enough to move out and let them enjoy their lives together, their marriage and their family. Hope you have enough character to do the right thing.

Wishing the best for your son, his wife and his family.
 
Aneeda72 said:
It’s normal depending on the culture you live in.
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Exactly.
Knight said:
Without knowing if you have any health or physical limitations commenting is limited to comparison.
My wife is 80 years old. She cooks everyday, cleans, walks 2 miles each time at least 5 times a week.

Your son is caught in the middle but shouldn't be. Marriages work when couples support each other. It's nice you have their home to live in but IMO you are a guest that according to what you describe as being 77 as an excuse to offer no help.

I will repeat my post begins with.
Quote
"Without knowing if you have any health or physical limitations"
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I use a cane to get around. It makes no sense for me to cook or clean when my DIL would be responsible for those things even if I wasn't there.
 
DinaMartinez said:
I buy dinner whenever I can. I don't cook because even if I didn't live with them, my DIL would be the one cooking. She's a good cook and knows what the boys like better than I do.

And why would I drive me son? He wouldn't want me to drive him anyway. I prefer to run errands with my son because that way he can help me carry heavy things.
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Nonsense, you can run your own errands. When you get to their house, your son, his wife or their children would help you with heavy things. You're not fooling anyone.
 
By your responses to the members, Dina it seems to me that you are very set in your ways and not very willing to accomodate the family members you are living with. It does not work well that way. You appear unsatisfied and it seems that your son is put in a difficult situation trying to please you as well as his own family. Give your daughter-in-law a break. She consented to open her home to you while she is taking care of her family and household and perhaps a job as well. Why not participate in the chores?
Perhaps treat your daughter-in-law to something special like pedicure/manicure, day at the spa, lunch out with her, a cleaning service, a special gift?
Treat the family to something special: order a pizza, Chinese food, do an activity together outside the house.
It seems to me that you are concentrating too much on your own desires and need. If your culture guides you to live with family, then you need to adjust to them and their lifestyle. It would not be right to impose your ways on them.
This is just my opinion. I wish you luck.
 
DinaMartinez said:
Wow, that's rude. I am very thankful to my son for doing what he is supposed to do. Children are supposed to take care of their senior parents. I took care of him for 18 years now it's my turn to be taken care of. And I'm not "stirring the pot". My DIL knew what she was getting herself into. I have always been close with my son.
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DebraMae is anything but rude. She is trying to help you, as we all are. Your daughter-in-law was your son's choice and should be respected as such.
How do you suppose you will be remembered?
 
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DinaMartinez said:
Wow, that's rude. I am very thankful to my son for doing what he is supposed to do. Children are supposed to take care of their senior parents. I took care of him for 18 years now it's my turn to be taken care of. And I'm not "stirring the pot". My DIL knew what she was getting herself into. I have always been close with my son.
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It's unusual these days, especially in "western culture", for kids to take care of their parents.

You may not be stirring the pot, but it is obvious your DIL is not happy with you there. If you stay, there is a real risk that you will become a wedge between your son and his wife, that it will grow larger over time, and that it will destroy their marriage. It's likely your DIL thought she knew what she was getting into, but the reality is not what she expected.

It sounds like she feels put-upon, and you don't think she should. But what you believe she should feel is irrelevant. Right or wrong, she feels what she feels...burdened...and that isn't likely to change. It's very likely to get worse.

Speaking for myself, I would never do anything to make my DIL unhappy. I get that you're not literally doing something so as to make her unhappy, but you living there is doing that. My feelings about living alone would not be more important than my DIL's feelings ...about anything. Or my son's marriage and peace in his home. Their happiness comes first.
 
DinaMartinez said:
Exactly.

I use a cane to get around. It makes no sense for me to cook or clean when my DIL would be responsible for those things even if I wasn't there.
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A lot of people use canes, stop making excuses. My husband used to use two canes, and he did most of the cooking, grilling, and cleaning the dishes afterwards. Your son's wife has a big heart to let you stay there, you're taking advantage.....shameful.
 

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