How would you deal with a friend who won't listen that you don't need help.

Lilac

Lilac

Well-known Member
Location
Flyover Country
Any ideas on telling a longtime friend that I don't need help cooking when she has been invited to dinners/parties in the kitchen? I've tried to tell her to go & relax with the others, but she won't. She will sit in the kitchen until she can find something to do & just jump in or tell me how it could be done. I believe she thinks she is being helpful.

My husband doesn't realize how much I'm beginning not liking inviting her & her husband. At Christmas, they were told to come over only with their appetites. Nope, wasn't going to happen according to the husband. He said she is "bringing something special." I said again, just them & their appetites. He just replied, "Well you know her" & laughed.

I made sure everything was done that could be except for salad dressing, slicing the roast & asparagus. I was in the kitchen & she walked in asking if she could help. I said no just go & have a seat & relax. When I turned around, she not only showed up with wine to drink at dinner, but with another dessert. At the last minute I had to pull out dessert plates & more forks.

She interjected herself by getting everyone drinks after I asked my daughter to do it. Then she asked what dressing they wanted on salads & decided where everyone would sit. We always sit next to who we want to at the table! Needless to say clearing the table & serving dessert headed the same way. I don't think my husband realized I was at my proverbial wits end that day, but the kid did.

Sorry for being long winded. But most of all, thanks for letting me vent on this! But if anyone has any good suggestions, please tell me.
 

Lilac said:
Any ideas on telling a longtime friend that I don't need help cooking when she has been invited to dinners/parties in the kitchen? I've tried to tell her to go & relax with the others, but she won't. She will sit in the kitchen until she can find something to do & just jump in or tell me how it could be done. I believe she thinks she is being helpful.

My husband doesn't realize how much I'm beginning not liking inviting her & her husband. At Christmas, they were told to come over only with their appetites. Nope, wasn't going to happen according to the husband. He said she is "bringing something special." I said again, just them & their appetites. He just replied, "Well you know her" & laughed.

I made sure everything was done that could be except for salad dressing, slicing the roast & asparagus. I was in the kitchen & she walked in asking if she could help. I said no just go & have a seat & relax. When I turned around, she not only showed up with wine to drink at dinner, but with another dessert. At the last minute I had to pull out dessert plates & more forks.

She interjected herself by getting everyone drinks after I asked my daughter to do it. Then she asked what dressing they wanted on salads & decided where everyone would sit. We always sit next to who we want to at the table! Needless to say clearing the table & serving dessert headed the same way. I don't think my husband realized I was at my proverbial wits end that day, but the kid did.

Sorry for being long winded. But most of all, thanks for letting me vent on this! But if anyone has any good suggestions, please tell me.
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It all depends on how much her actions bother you. Perhaps it's time to stop inviting her. You may have to become aggressive with her, tell her "everyone can apply they own dressing", and tell your guests "please sit wherever you like!".
 
You will love this, my next door neighbor called my son and told him he needed to come over and cover my outdoor faucets before the coming cold front. My goodness, I am not be able to do a lot of physical work but I bought new covers about a month ago. I still now know what needs to be done and if I can't do I can call my son myself.

I went out a couple of days ago and put the new ones on.
 

@Lilac, it appears she isn't going to respond to your polite hints. You may just have to, as @Pinky noted, either stop inviting her or thank her for her intentions but tell her that you'd like to run your event the way you want to and that she should step away and join the other guests. Maybe it wouldn't be comfortable to say that, but it doesn't appear that she wants to take any polite hints.

@Blessed, that's just bizarre. Called your son? Geez.
 
I’d call her over and tell her how you feel. She probably really thinks she’s helping. I used to do stuff like this all the time wondering why my friend/ relative was so upset.

The conversation will be really uncomfortable but then she’ll really know. Some people, myself, included think you aren’t asking for help out of kindness. Lots of women complain about other women who don’t offer to help.

Have the conversation. It will take courage but you are being honest with her and yourself and your friend will probably appreciate your honesty in the long run.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
I’d call her over and tell her how you feel. She probably really thinks she’s helping. I used to do stuff like this all the time wondering why my friend/ relative was so upset.

The conversation will be really uncomfortable but then she’ll really know. Some people, myself, included think you aren’t asking for help out of kindness. Lots of women complain about other women who don’t offer to help.

Have the conversation. It will take courage but you are being honest with her and yourself and your friend will probably appreciate your honesty in the long run.
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Start that conversation by asking her, "Do you have control issues?" It's important to wait for her answer because it will tell you where you need to take the rest of the conversation.
 
I wouldn't really mind someone wanting to help in the food prep... I'd most likely welcome it. Same with a guest wanting to bring a dessert. But telling my guests where to sit and taking over the drinks when I'd asked someone else to do it... well those things I'd have a problem with. I'm not sure what I'd do about it, though, because I don't see myself confronting her about it. Maybe I'd just announce that everyone gets to choose where to sit before she steamrolled my plans.
 
I like to help out a lot at dinners because I get bored and I know that the host is really working hard. We had house guests for a number of days and a LOT of food was prepared and consumed. But the wife of friend was constantly buzzing around the kitchen. She was really short too so always behind or to the side of me w/out me realizing it. I almost ran her over a few times. She was always helping and making suggestions which really stressed my attention span. And after a couple days she was gone!
 
If she brings dessert or anything else again, just say that you have one already and put it in the fridge for tomorrow. Maybe just saying that you have everything under control and really appreciate not having anyone in the kitchen. If she still insists, be firm and say that it’s making you uncomfortable. If she still insists, your husband may have to talk to her husband. Last resort, no invitation if it’s wrecking your evening.
 
Maybe she's an introvert so would rather be busy than deal with a bunch of people, having a task may be her refuge, or maybe she truly likes to help. Regardless, if you're hosting a party you should try and make her a part of things, it's a simple thing to save a little job for her, save you some stress.
 
Murrmurr said:
Start that conversation by asking her, "Do you have control issues?" It's important to wait for her answer because it will tell you where you need to take the rest of the conversation.
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I wouldn’t start out being defensive.
If the friend ‘really’ was trying to help then it was UNintentional.

I ‘d start by asking why she feels the need to bring things when she’s asked not to and go from there. I bet the friend truly doesn’t realize how much it upsets her.

Intention makes a difference. I sincerely don’t think she meant to upset anyone. Some people don’t think things all the way through. It doesn’t make them evil.
 
@Pinky & @Devi, you both are right that politeness isn't working & time to be direct that I really meant to go & join the others & not stay in the kitchen. If her feelings get hurt, they just get hurt.

@Murrmurr I believe you are right on track about control issues. You got me thinking about a few things I've been told. She's talked in passing about being a teacher/counselor for the kids of our troops on a base in Europe & butting heads with some of the command staff about how she would run things. I don't believe it went over as well as she said it did. At her get-togethers, she was very rigid on how they went. Since it's was her thing, I just went with the flow.

@Beezer, an arc-n-spark from a taser would diffenately get someones attention if you were trying to get your point across to them, LOL.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
I’d call her over and tell her how you feel. She probably really thinks she’s helping. I used to do stuff like this all the time wondering why my friend/ relative was so upset.

The conversation will be really uncomfortable but then she’ll really know. Some people, myself, included think you aren’t asking for help out of kindness. Lots of women complain about other women who don’t offer to help.

Have the conversation. It will take courage but you are being honest with her and yourself and your friend will probably appreciate your honesty in the long run.
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Agreed. Talk to her at a time other than your event. Let her know that in your home, you like for guests to leave the work and delegation up to you. Be clear that her unsolicited help is actually spoiling your pleasure in hosting. Tell her until she either gets the message and changes her behavior or gets offended and doesn't come back. I'd do that rather than stop inviting her without communicating.
 


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