How would you deal with a friend who won't listen that you don't need help.

I will have a talk, but I would prefer to do it in person rather than on the phone. I don't want to call & bring it up out of the blue, but I know the right time will come to tell her to come & just be a guest. If she doesn't see it that way, then it would be her choice not to come. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but it needs to be explained.

I appreciate everyone's response & their thought on it. It also started me thinking about my other guests/family & how they may feel about being told what to do by someone who isn't their host.
 

Confronting a person isn't easy, especially when they think they are helping. You could print what you posted, give her a copy. It could go two ways.
1. As a long time friend she accepts your attempt to gently tell her to just relax & enjoy getting together is most important.
2. Or she gets offended and your long time friendship cools. Until she realizes you were relying on the friendship to be able to be the host you want to be.
 
Several people have suggested that you talk honestly to her about the issue. I'll add perhaps you should do so before the next dinner. Maybe she'll take offense and un-invite herself. But hopefully she will appreciate your honesty and respect your wishes.
 

PeppermintPatty said:
I wouldn’t start out being defensive.
If the friend ‘really’ was trying to help then it was UNintentional.

I ‘d start by asking why she feels the need to bring things when she’s asked not to and go from there. I bet the friend truly doesn’t realize how much it upsets her.

Intention makes a difference. I sincerely don’t think she meant to upset anyone. Some people don’t think things all the way through. It doesn’t make them evil.
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Evil? Of course not. People with control issues usually don't realize they have control issues because most people just stay out of their way....they don't want to seem rude; they don't want to upset the person or cause a scene.

When this lady takes over Lilac's parties, she isn't being mean, but she isn't actually trying to be helpful, either; she's taking charge. It's a compulsive behavior, and it's the one thing the lady can't control. Not unless someone helps her recognize the issue.

The lady needs to understand the difference between helping and taking charge, and that taking charge is not appreciated. It's inconsiderate. She ruins people's parties....people like Lilac, who plan and organize and look forward to being the hostess of their event. It was Lilac's time to shine, but instead that lady made her all stressed out, watchful, unable to relax and enjoy her own dinner party.

Compulsive Controlling Behavior sends out the message that everybody else does everything wrong. People with that problem have no regard for other people's feelings, but they don't realize it.

They have to be told their behavior is hurtful. And thoughtless. @Lilac can tell her she knows the hurt and stress and thoughtlessness is not intentional, but she needs to know it's definitely all that.
 
Murrmurr said:
Evil? Of course not. People with control issues usually don't realize they have control issues because most people just stay out of their way....they don't want to seem rude; they don't want to upset the person or cause a scene.

When this lady takes over Lilac's parties, she isn't being mean, but she isn't actually trying to be helpful, either; she's taking charge. It's a compulsive behavior, and it's the one thing the lady can't control. Not unless someone helps her recognize the issue.

The lady needs to understand the difference between helping and taking charge, and that taking charge is not appreciated. It's inconsiderate. She ruins people's parties....people like Lilac, who plan and organize and look forward to being the hostess of their event. It was Lilac's time to shine, but instead that lady made her all stressed out, watchful, unable to relax and enjoy her own dinner party.

Compulsive Controlling Behavior sends out the message that everybody else does everything wrong. People with that problem have no regard for other people's feelings, but they don't realize it.

They have to be told their behavior is hurtful. And thoughtless. @Lilac can tell her she knows the hurt and stress and thoughtlessness is not intentional, but she needs to know it's definitely all that.
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Which is why I said she should talk to her.
This is something I did years ago also. It would have been really helpful if someone told me..I didn’t look at it as a control issue. To me, it was about being as helpful as I could possibly be.

I know that in my extended family the woman who never offered to help got gossiped about. It was only later that I realized that I got gossiped about all the time. Still do. I’d get gossiped about no matter how I handled it.

For myself, it wasn’t about getting all the attention. I hated getting attention . For me it truly was about trying to help and not once did anyone say anything to me.

In hindsight I think it’s somewhat cowardly to not say anything. This is one of those situations where the rest of the group will continually gossip about the person rather than tell them. People LIKE to gossip too. Let’s not forget THAT part.
 
If talking to her does not help, I think I would assign her jobs to do that would keep her out of my way. Since you know she is going to bring a dessert in advance tell her which one to make. In the kitchen give her something to make that will keep her busy. Tell everyone to sit where they want before she gets in there (keeping her working in the kitchen).
 
Tell her that you think have a little Attention Deficit Disorder sometimes so any little distraction in the kitchen could ruin or delay the meal and it makes you uncomfortable. I'm not suggesting you lie but we all have a little ADD as we age. You're just stretching the truth.

As far as her bringing her own food, you'll have to be blunt and say, "you're invited but NOT if you insist on bringing food". Ask her if there's some reason she doesn't want to eat YOUR food.
 
@Murrmurr is correct and I'll add a bit more. Many people develop poor interpersonal communication skills early in life that may plague them later as adults in corporate work worlds. In her case, it may have been due to being around like others siblings or friends that within casual conversation, continually interrupt each other that tends to result in unbalanced conversations between speaking and listening often with louder voices.

In doing so, they tend to be poorly aware of other person's non verbal queues in voice tone and facial expressions because they instead focus on listening to slight breaks in others speaking to start speaking again themselves instead of listening carefully to meaning of whatever the others are saying.

Within their own verbal minds they are simultaneously considering what they will be saying next versus listening for meaning. This becomes apparent when they are asked to try to paraphrase what other parties just said and they instead realize they cannot beyond merely repeating a few of the last words spoken.

Confronting such persons directly in ways other members suggested may be unproductive because such does not clearly address what they are doing in a way they will understand enough to want to change beyond narrowly just avoiding your specific situation.
 
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.........and some people never come up for air when they start speaking, and the only way it becomes a real conversation forces the listener to break into, or overtalk, the speaker. Some just never shut up once they start. They are pontificating. That's not a genuine conversation. In a genuine conversation it is give and take, not praying for the other to pause so one may break in.

The pontificator is best left to themselves............but sometimes they can't be. Am describing a close friend. It is a great annoyance.
 
Write a letter explaining how you ‘really’ feel. If you don’t then you’ll forever feel resentment. Have the talk, for your mental well being. It will help clear the air.

With our family if my mom or dad made a meal, we were expected to clean up and we did. With the in-laws, we were expected to clean up, which we did.

In home economics we were taught that if we were invited anywhere for dinner, not to show up empty handed and to always offer to help clean up unless specifically asked not to.

Your neighbour didn’t abide with your requests.
 
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hearlady said:
I think a conversation is on order. It doesn't sound like she's an awful person, just wants to help.
I would hate for you or her to lose a friendship over this.
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This is what i was thinking also. Families have different traditions, and for a lot of years it was pretty much expected that all of the women would help out the hostess with the meal and cleaning up afterward.
On holidays like thanksgiving, where there were often a lot of guests, bringing extra food and helping out were considered a sign of caring .
Your friend may have grown up in a family that habitually did this, and expects that this is how any meal invitation should work.

I think that having a talk with her and explaining that you do not expect, or want , help in the kitchen, should help with the situation. You will then understand why she feels compelled to help, and she will understand that you are someone who does not want the help.
If she does this to everyone, she has probably felt that people are not happy with her, and does not understand why; so she might think that she has to try even harder to help out.

It sounds like you are almost at the point of ending the friendship, @Lilac, so you have nothing to lose by inviting her over and having a conversation about this , and at least trying to work it out agreeably.
 
Happyflowerlady said:
This is what i was thinking also. Families have different traditions, and for a lot of years it was pretty much expected that all of the women would help out the hostess with the meal and cleaning up afterward.
On holidays like thanksgiving, where there were often a lot of guests, bringing extra food and helping out were considered a sign of caring .
Your friend may have grown up in a family that habitually did this, and expects that this is how any meal invitation should work.

I think that having a talk with her and explaining that you do not expect, or want , help in the kitchen, should help with the situation. You will then understand why she feels compelled to help, and she will understand that you are someone who does not want the help.
If she does this to everyone, she has probably felt that people are not happy with her, and does not understand why; so she might think that she has to try even harder to help out.

It sounds like you are almost at the point of ending the friendship, @Lilac, so you have nothing to lose by inviting her over and having a conversation about this , and at least trying to work it out agreeably.
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I guess I come from the perspective of someone who always offers to help. I'll always help with cleanup too.
However, if a friend told me she would rather I join the conversation and leave the hosting to her and her designees I would gladly honor her wishes. Then I'd enjoy myself and not worry about it.
 
What a different take I have compared to most of you.

She brings a bottle of wine or a dessert and that's something to get upset about? Really? She practically begs you to help and you keep refusing and just get yourself worked up letting resentment ruin your day?

I kind of feel Lilac is the one with control issues. I've hosted many many dinners and cookouts and couldn't imagine being upset over such stuff. You must really dislike this woman to carry such resentment.
 
I agree with you about being happy about someone offering help or bringing food, @C50 ! I love it when someone brings food and/or offers to help out with the prep and cleanup afterward.
However, it is pretty obvious that this is not how it is working out with Lilac’s friendship ; so in order to save the friendship, she is going to have to make a firm stand that SHE is not one of the people who appreciates helpers.
 
Pepper said:
.........and some people never come up for air when they start speaking, and the only way it becomes a real conversation forces the listener to break into, or overtalk, the speaker. Some just never shut up once they start. They are pontificating. That's not a genuine conversation. In a genuine conversation it is give and take, not praying for the other to pause so one may break in.

The pontificator is best left to themselves............but sometimes they can't be. Am describing a close friend. It is a great annoyance.
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TRUE! And people with control issues are almost always manipulative, too. And again, the friend isn't really intentionally mean, it's just how she is.

So if Lilac does have a conversation with this friend, she has to Stay On Point. Let the lady talk, but when she starts meandering, and she will, @Lilac needs to interject; repeat the main point, and then wrap it up by reiterating for the last time what needs to happen.
 
Maybe I haven't explained it properly. This has been on going for the last couple years & each time its gone further. This time she was telling my other guests what to do. That was something that took me back & calling her out at a holiday wasn't the time to do so. If it made me uncomfortable, I believe the others may have been as well.

At home I was taught to respect your host & follow the rules of their house. In Home Ec, we were taught when your invited for dinner/party, you ask if you can bring or do anything & follow the hosts lead. If you do bring something, it's a gift for the host to be enjoyed at a later time. You ask if they need anything when you arrive & again follow their lead. They have their game plan & I'm going to stay out of their way & let them do their thing. Just like I let her do her thing at her parties.

I agree with the others who said I need to have a talk with her, but I feel it needs to be in person rather than a note or a call. And as @OneEyedDiva said, before the next party.

@Murrmurr I still think the nail on the head about control. She refuses help at her parties. Your glass is refilled whether you want more or not. She has several wines to go with her foods, but if your not a drinker she doesn't have an option. She is a real good cook & I enjoy her food, but I know what to expect & go with the flow there.

I haven't seen her husband tell her no & I don't think her family may have either. She has told me, as well as our mutual friends, she prides herself on how she was raised to be a lady & was taught proper ettiquette by her Grandmother. But that's not what I've seen. Over the years at the get togethers we all have, I'm realizing that I've been the only one that has let her help.

It's one thing when it's a big family holiday & everyone is assigned a dish to bring. It's something that has been repeated over the years & the ground rules are well known to everyone. New members arrive & learn the routine & so it continues.

A mix of family/friends can be different, especially when everyone doesn't know each other very well or even at all. These have always been small with 10 guests or less so it's very manageable for us. I want my guests come to enjoy themselves & relax, not to work. I also make sure that food issues are addressed & no one will have a problem. I have several family members & a friend who have epi-pen allergies. When I have them, I make will make something seperately for them so it's not contaminated.

If it's a potluck or a carry-in, then a dish is welcome. I'm not against help that is help. I have a game plan that I follow & it all works out. I'm not going to go into anyone house & just do what I want. I respect other peoples wishes in thier house as I would like them in mine.

I don't want to loose her friendship, but there's has to be a come to understanding talk. I hope her feelings won't be hurt, but it needs to be done.
 
I have to ask ... does she ever invite you around to her place for a meal?
And if so ... how does she behave then and treat her own guests?
Does she expect her guests to help, thinking it makes it a more friendly and homey atmopshere?
Or does she just like to be in charge wherever she is.

That's the solution. Stop inviting her around to your place and get an invite to hers.
 
C50 said:
What a different take I have compared to most of you.

She brings a bottle of wine or a dessert and that's something to get upset about? Really? She practically begs you to help and you keep refusing and just get yourself worked up letting resentment ruin your day?

I kind of feel Lilac is the one with control issues. I've hosted many many dinners and cookouts and couldn't imagine being upset over such stuff. You must really dislike this woman to carry such resentment.
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The woman is completely taking over and taking charge in someone’s else’s house. She is a guest and is acting like the host. This is not being helpful.

When someone says don’t bring anything then you respect their wishes or you can bring a bottle of wine for the host to enjoy on another day. Many people have the appropriate wine paired with their meal. This is a dinner party and not a potluck.
 
I live in a condo and have become friends with 4 women in the building. Every few months we rotate having dinner. The host tells everyone what they are serving for the main meal and then the other 4 bring salad, appetizers, bread and dessert. Because 5 people can’t clean up in our smaller kitchens usually one other person helps the host get the dishes to the sink, etc.

I have been to and thrown dinner parties as the Op describes also. I have never seen anyone act like that bossy guest that was described. When I had my house I would sometimes invite 25 people in the summer so we could enjoy being outside. People would always volunteer to bring things and I was fine with it. The host gets to set the type of party she is having. I actually prefer the way my friends and I are doing it now.
 
Murrmurr said:
TRUE! And people with control issues are almost always manipulative, too. And again, the friend isn't really intentionally mean, it's just how she is.

So if Lilac does have a conversation with this friend, she has to Stay On Point. Let the lady talk, but when she starts meandering, and she will, @Lilac needs to interject; repeat the main point, and then wrap it up by reiterating for the last time what needs to happen.
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My take..., if we try to understand "why" people (including us), act and behave a particular way as much as we dislike that behavior, we would not get too worked up and try our best to grant grace by sometimes, swallowing our saliva and saving tongue muscle (staying silent). We should also understand, that the universe only boomerang who and what we are.
 
Fit4Life said:
My take..., if we try to understand "why" people (including us), act and behave a particular way as much as we dislike that behavior, we would not get too worked up and try our best to grant grace by sometimes, swallowing our saliva and saving tongue muscle (staying silent). We should also understand, that the universe only boomerang who and what we are.
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The method you describe causes internal angst and is unhealthy. It’s called being a door mat. Most of us have done too much of that during our lives especially women. It allows people to keep treating you badly.

We teach people how to treat us. There’s no point in going to the effort of entertaining if someone is going to suck the joy out of it.
 


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