How would you deal with a friend who won't listen that you don't need help.

Fit4Life said:
My take..., if we try to understand "why" people (including us), act and behave a particular way as much as we dislike that behavior, we would not get too worked up and try our best to grant grace by sometimes, swallowing our saliva and saving tongue muscle (staying silent). We should also understand, that the universe only boomerang who and what we are.
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If we were all qualified to assess mental health issues such as Compulsive Controlling Behavior, that could work.

Lilac just wants to enjoy hosting her dinner parties without this lady hijacking them to satisfy a compulsion to control the environment and appear as though she is better at doing parties than Lilac.
 

Teacher Terry said:
The method you describe causes internal angst and is unhealthy. It’s called being a door mat. Most of us have done too much of that during our lives especially women. It allows people to keep treating you badly.

We teach people how to treat us. There’s no point in going to the effort of entertaining if someone is going to suck the joy out of it.
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I think you missed my point. Btw, I am a business health consultant. Here's the thing...if someone projects in a negative light that is affecting other people around them, to include you. There are 2 choices; 1. pull the person aside and speak to them in love as one never know the "why" for the said behavior. 2. Swallow your saliva and save tongue muscle. At the end of the day, if one act out of emotions, the situation can escalate and what good is that. Life is too short to allow people to add stress to one's life. You either come up with a positive way to "help" that person or walk away. I am all for EQ! Be well and thanks for your response.
 
Murrmurr said:
If we were all qualified to assess mental health issues such as Compulsive Controlling Behavior, that could work.

Lilac just wants to enjoy hosting her dinner parties without this lady hijacking them to satisfy a compulsion to control the environment and appear as though she is better at doing parties than Lilac.
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We always talk about young people in today's society, but yet as grown adults especially when we are 50+, we cannot seem to control ourselves at best.
 

Fit4Life said:
I think you missed my point. Btw, I am a business health consultant. Here's the thing...if someone projects in a negative light that is affecting other people around them, to include you. There are 2 choices; 1. pull the person aside and speak to them in love as one never know the "why" for the said behavior. 2. Swallow your saliva and save tongue muscle. At the end of the day, if one act out of emotions, the situation can escalate and what good is that. Life is too short to allow people to add stress to one's life. You either come up with a positive way to "help" that person or walk away. I am all for EQ! Be well and thanks for your response.
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Personally when I’m going to be around difficult people I ground and bubble myself in advance so their negativity doesn’t affect me. Talking to people is always a good approach and I think the OP intends to do that. I used to be a therapist so that colors my perspective as women tend to set aside their own boundaries for others in an effort to be nice often at great personal expense.

Welcome to the forum! If you haven’t already done an introduction post it would be great if you did.
 
David777 said:
@Murrmurr is correct and I'll add a bit more. Many people develop poor interpersonal communication skills early in life that may plague them later as adults in corporate work worlds. In her case, it may have been due to being around like others siblings or friends that within casual conversation, continually interrupt each other that tends to result in unbalanced conversations between speaking and listening often with louder voices.

In doing so, they tend to be poorly aware of other person's non verbal queues in voice tone and facial expressions because they instead focus on listening to slight breaks in others speaking to start speaking again themselves instead of listening carefully to meaning of whatever the others are saying.

Within their own verbal minds they are simultaneously considering what they will be saying next versus listening for meaning. This becomes apparent when they are asked to try to paraphrase what other parties just said and they instead realize they cannot beyond merely repeating a few of the last words spoken.

Confronting such persons directly in ways other members suggested may be unproductive because such does not clearly address what they are doing in a way they will understand enough to want to change beyond narrowly just avoiding your specific situation.
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Bingo! If a person do not realize they have a problem how can they accept when someone is trying to help. A person must get to that place "first", only then they will be able to receive. How can one get to that place? If someone really have the tools (EQ) to speak to that individual, then that's the first step towards being aware. But it must be done in love and much patience must be granted for both parties.
 
Fit4Life said:
Bingo! If a person do not realize they have a problem how can they accept when someone is trying to help. A person must get to that place "first", only then they will be able to receive. How can one get to that place? If someone really have the tools (EQ) to speak to that individual, then that's the first step towards being aware. But it must be done in love and much patience must be granted for both parties.
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Seems clear to me, if you've read the entire thread, that she's tried to tell the person over and over and has been ignored every time, her concerns brushed aside every time while this person butts in where she's not wanted and told not to be. To me, there's no eternally-ongoing social requirement to keep trying to understand. I mean, how much is enough?
 
Devi said:
Seems clear to me, if you've read the entire thread, that she's tried to tell the person over and over and has been ignored every time, her concerns brushed aside every time while this person butts in where she's not wanted and told not to be. To me, there's no eternally-ongoing social requirement to keep trying to understand. I mean, how much is enough?
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I did read the entire thread...and this is what I do as a consultant. I listen/read and respond. You be well and be encourage.
 
Devi said:
It's a matter of "if it works". Not what one studied. Geez.
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You totally missed my point from my first message. But I'm not here to argue and go back and forth with anyone. I'm here to offer suggestion out of love and keep things moving in a positive way. I have no time for negative vibes. But you be well and all the best.
 
Murrmurr said:
Start that conversation by asking her, "Do you have control issues?" It's important to wait for her answer because it will tell you where you need to take the rest of the conversation.
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I don't think that is a good idea to start the conversation with that question. That question is negative and all that does it put the other person on defense. That conversation will get no where.

Perhaps, an invite to coffee/tea/lunch and gradually open up the conversation starting with asking her..."what do you think about the event" and hear how she response. Then the host, should say to her nice and gently that her sole intent was to host "herself" as it gives her pleasure to do so. When other people help without her asking, it changes her "original" idea of why she was hosting in the first place. She can say, it was her way of "giving back" and she would prefer if the friend allow her to do so. Then ask the friend, "what do you think?". It's all about the approach.
 
Murrmurr said:
Lilac has already done that. Nothing changed, and it didn't lesson Lilac's stress and anxiety.

The why is irrelevant - Lilac isn't a mental health therapist.
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Okay, understood. I had offer another suggestion if you can find it....more like taking her out to coffee/tea/lunch. Well that's it for me on this topic. You all be well and remain safe!
 
Fit4Life said:
I don't think that is a good idea to start the conversation with that question. That question is negative and all that does it put the other person on defense. That conversation will get no where.

Perhaps, an invite to coffee/tea/lunch and gradually open up the conversation starting with asking her..."what do you think about the event" and hear how she response. Then the host, should say to her nice and gently that her sole intent was to host "herself" as it gives her pleasure to do so. When other people help without her asking, it changes her "original" idea of why she was hosting in the first place. She can say, it was her way of "giving back" and she would prefer if the friend allow her to do so. Then ask the friend, "what do you think?". It's all about the approach.
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I was a mental health nurse for 9 years. Opening a conversation with that question will either make the lady defensive or not, and that will determine whether Lilac would be wasting her breath or not.

"If a person do not realize they have a problem how can they accept when someone is trying to help. A person must get to that place "first", only then they will be able to receive." .... To my point re: the Q "Do you have control issues?"
 
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To let it be known I usually volunteer to cook, clear plates, clean up, or wash dishes, etc when we go to parties and dinners especially when there are more than 4 guests. Hosting is a lot of work and if I can do something constructive I will.

The last event we were at the couple hosting dinner eat a steady diet of smoothies and take out. I helped the guy cook the chicken on the bbq for instance. (He kept dipping the 1/2 cooked chicken back in the raw chicken marinade! How you can be a 71 yo from Alabama and not know how to grill chicken is beyond me, btw.) Later I scraped plates and loaded the dishwasher.

So we had 3 couple over for dinner this past Saturday, including the couple that were hosts last time. They immediately volunteered to bring candies for desert. Well ok. It's just candies but my wife was planning on making strawberry shortcake w whipped cream.

I guess since I helped out at her dinner she was very forceful about helping us clear plates, loading the dw, etc. So we had oysters and shrimp for appetizers and then it took me about 15 minutes to carve some roast chicken, finish the fried rice, and put the salad out. I finished loading the DW and ran it while we were eating the entree.

The second the last mouthful of dinner was swallowed she was up clearing dishes and unfortunately she opened the DW door not realizing it was running. We had a fair amount of water on the floor and of course the DW had to be restarted on a new cycle. And then she immediately brought out the candies to the dining room table, not realizing there was an entire other dessert my wife had made.

It took me a couple minutes to clean up the mess, whip the cream and assemble the shortcakes. So anyway it ended up ok but she turned it into a chitshow for a while. I presume they were in a hurry to leave, but it was just 8pm. And the candies were very fancy, but they left what wasn't eaten - we don't need to eat any more sugar!!!

That's my rant!
 
Lilac said:
Any ideas on telling a longtime friend that I don't need help cooking when she has been invited to dinners/parties in the kitchen? I've tried to tell her to go & relax with the others, but she won't. She will sit in the kitchen until she can find something to do & just jump in or tell me how it could be done. I believe she thinks she is being helpful.

My husband doesn't realize how much I'm beginning not liking inviting her & her husband. At Christmas, they were told to come over only with their appetites. Nope, wasn't going to happen according to the husband. He said she is "bringing something special." I said again, just them & their appetites. He just replied, "Well you know her" & laughed.

I made sure everything was done that could be except for salad dressing, slicing the roast & asparagus. I was in the kitchen & she walked in asking if she could help. I said no just go & have a seat & relax. When I turned around, she not only showed up with wine to drink at dinner, but with another dessert. At the last minute I had to pull out dessert plates & more forks.

She interjected herself by getting everyone drinks after I asked my daughter to do it. Then she asked what dressing they wanted on salads & decided where everyone would sit. We always sit next to who we want to at the table! Needless to say clearing the table & serving dessert headed the same way. I don't think my husband realized I was at my proverbial wits end that day, but the kid did.

Sorry for being long winded. But most of all, thanks for letting me vent on this! But if anyone has any good suggestions, please tell me.
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Either don't invite her or accept she has a strong need to do something and begin by asking her what she would like to do. I doubt that she needs food but she does need you to accept her as she is, and maybe even appreciate her as she is.

Being sure there is something for her to do is like giving a child a paintbrush and a bucket of water to help paint the house. It is harmless and makes the child feel important.
 
When I’m doing something that I enjoy and don’t need or want help, I speak up. I just tell them, ‘Please don’t do that. Please don’t take this personal, but I enjoy what I’m doing and really don’t want any help now, but if I run into a stumbling block, you will be the first I ask.”

I can remember only ever having to do or say that once.
 
Tthe impression I get from the original post is that this lady wants to run the show her way. Not help, but run the show. She seems to be on her version of what we used to call a “power trip”.
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